The Joe Rogan Experience - October 21, 2022


Joe Rogan Experience #1886 - Robert Kelly


Episode Stats

Length

3 hours and 5 minutes

Words per Minute

189.58253

Word Count

35,196

Sentence Count

4,200

Misogynist Sentences

79

Hate Speech Sentences

55


Summary

In this episode of The Joe Rogan Experience, the comedian and podcaster talks about how important it is to have reading glasses. And why you should get them, especially if you can't see your phone without them. Joe also talks about a cool pair of reading glasses he got from a guy in the East Village named Anthony Aiden and why you need to get them. Also, it's a good thing Joe doesn't have good eyesight, because he doesn't need them either, because if he did, he'd probably need them for something he needs to see a lot of other things, like a mirror or something like that, but he's not going to be able to see anything without them, which is why he needs them. And you should probably get them too, because they're pretty cool, too! Joe also gives us some tips on what to look for in a good pair of eyeglasses, like reading glasses, and how to get the perfect pair you're looking for, so that you don't have to pay the price you should be paying for them. You know, like $200 worth of eyewear that's perfect for your eyesight and you can see better than you should have them. If you're not already got them, then you should definitely get them! Joe talks about them, but they're worth the price of admission, because you can get them for free, right? and they're cool, right here. Joe gives us a discount code: Joesrjrjanspond and we'll give you $10 and you get 10% off your first purchase of a pair of new pairs of glasses, plus a free shipping, plus we'll send you an extra $10, and you'll get 20% off of your first pair of pairs, plus they'll get an ad-free shipping when you sign up for free shipping and shipping starts next week, and they'll ship you a $25, plus you get a free copy of the ad-only version of the podcasting app, and it'll get you an ad on the next episode of the podcast, and the shipping address, so you'll be getting $10% off the first week of the next month, plus shipping starts in two weeks, they'll receive $5, plus an additional $10 gets you get $5 of shipping starts after you get the ad, and I'll get a shipping discount, plus I'll also get a discount on your first week's ad, plus the shipping starts starts next month!


Transcript

00:00:01.000 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out!
00:00:03.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.
00:00:06.000 Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day!
00:00:14.000 I like them.
00:00:16.000 You like them?
00:00:17.000 They look good.
00:00:18.000 Yeah?
00:00:18.000 Yeah.
00:00:18.000 You like them?
00:00:19.000 Yeah, they look fucking great.
00:00:23.000 Dude, those look fucking tough.
00:00:25.000 Those are tough, dude.
00:00:27.000 Those fucking look good, dude.
00:00:29.000 You gotta get a pair of glasses, dude.
00:00:32.000 Do you need glasses?
00:00:33.000 I do for reading.
00:00:34.000 Those are what I can't see my phone without them.
00:00:37.000 Really?
00:00:37.000 Yeah, I can't fucking see my phone without these.
00:00:39.000 What power are those?
00:00:41.000 I believe one eye is different than the other.
00:00:43.000 It's just prescription.
00:00:45.000 One eye is different than the other, really?
00:00:46.000 Yeah, like one can see better or something like that.
00:00:48.000 Did you get injured?
00:00:49.000 No, I think they call reading glasses in England 45s because around 45 is when your eyes start going.
00:00:58.000 That's what happened to me.
00:00:59.000 That's probably exactly when it happened to me.
00:01:01.000 I remember doing the podcast and I couldn't read off a laptop.
00:01:05.000 I was actually doing a podcast with Neil deGrasse Tyson and I wanted to ask him about something and I pulled up the laptop and I was like, I can't even read this.
00:01:13.000 Yeah, out of nowhere.
00:01:14.000 I had perfect sight, perfect everything.
00:01:16.000 Yeah, it just falls off like a cliff.
00:01:18.000 45, boom.
00:01:19.000 Couldn't read.
00:01:19.000 But you know what?
00:01:19.000 There's a way to stop it in its tracks.
00:01:22.000 There's supplements that you could take.
00:01:24.000 There's a company called Pure Encapsulations, and they have a thing called Macular Support.
00:01:28.000 And I started taking Macular Support, and it stopped it.
00:01:32.000 Stopped it in its tracks.
00:01:34.000 Really?
00:01:34.000 Yeah, so now I can read my phone.
00:01:36.000 Like, it might have even actually got a little bit better.
00:01:37.000 So, like, I don't have a problem reading my phone, like, reading text messages and shit.
00:01:41.000 No problem.
00:01:42.000 But I prefer, like, if I'm reading an article, I'll read with glasses on.
00:01:45.000 Well, the thing that sucks, too, is that they don't make cool glasses for men.
00:01:52.000 Reading glasses.
00:01:53.000 Those are fucking cool.
00:01:54.000 Well, this is...
00:01:55.000 They have, like, a nice red tint to them.
00:01:57.000 This is from this guy in the East Village, my friend Anthony...
00:02:01.000 They look like they're from the East Village.
00:02:04.000 They do.
00:02:04.000 They look cool.
00:02:05.000 Yeah, this guy makes them.
00:02:07.000 This is like a Rolex.
00:02:09.000 There's 500 of these made.
00:02:11.000 This is 230-something of 500. Why doesn't he make more?
00:02:15.000 It's not him.
00:02:16.000 I can't read it.
00:02:17.000 Inside, Jean-Paul whoever.
00:02:20.000 Oh, so it's like a designer.
00:02:21.000 He's a...
00:02:22.000 What is it?
00:02:24.000 Optometrist?
00:02:25.000 Optometrist.
00:02:26.000 Hard word to fucking pull.
00:02:29.000 But...
00:02:30.000 He's cool as shit.
00:02:31.000 You walk in and he customizes everything.
00:02:34.000 He'll take this fancy glass frame and he'll be like, let's put this tint on it.
00:02:40.000 Let me do this.
00:02:41.000 And then you go in and he'll sand it down to fit your nose.
00:02:45.000 Ooh, that's nice.
00:02:46.000 So you can pick all these crazy frames and then he makes it yours, which is great.
00:02:52.000 I mean, it costs money, but I love shit like that.
00:02:55.000 It seems like it's worth it, though.
00:02:56.000 I love when people take something And make it unique and not everybody has it.
00:03:02.000 Customize.
00:03:03.000 I love people who customize shit like that.
00:03:05.000 Like this guy could just be, yep, here's your prescription, here's your Bausch and Loms or whatever, stupid glasses.
00:03:12.000 He's like, I'm getting the coolest frames on the planet.
00:03:16.000 That are, you know, he has one, he get this one with, uh, you'd look good in these too.
00:03:22.000 They have, uh, Thunderbirds, silver Thunderbird going down the side.
00:03:26.000 It's like Elvis would buy these glasses.
00:03:28.000 Like, you have to be, you have to be the motherfucker to wear these glasses.
00:03:34.000 And they're like 1600 bucks.
00:03:36.000 Are they online?
00:03:37.000 Can I see what they look like?
00:03:38.000 Um, yeah.
00:03:38.000 His, uh, his name's Anthony.
00:03:40.000 Shit.
00:03:41.000 I forget his name.
00:03:42.000 Yeah, he has a whole Instagram.
00:03:44.000 I can't.
00:03:44.000 No, not Anthony shit.
00:03:46.000 Where's my phone?
00:03:46.000 I can't.
00:03:47.000 Go grab your phone.
00:03:47.000 Go grab your phone.
00:03:48.000 I'll tell you.
00:03:49.000 I want to see these.
00:03:51.000 Because those are dope.
00:03:52.000 The ones you have...
00:03:52.000 I love the red tint.
00:03:53.000 There's something about rose-colored glasses.
00:03:56.000 You know, I remember one time I was like super high and I put on a pair of rose...
00:04:00.000 Anthony Aiden?
00:04:01.000 Anthony Aiden?
00:04:02.000 Sorry.
00:04:02.000 Yep, Anthony Aiden.
00:04:04.000 Is this him right here?
00:04:04.000 There he is.
00:04:05.000 Anthony Aiden Opticians.
00:04:07.000 Coolest guy ever.
00:04:08.000 East Village.
00:04:10.000 Where's the Thunderbird ones?
00:04:11.000 Thunderbirds, yeah.
00:04:11.000 Type in Thunderbird.
00:04:14.000 Here we go.
00:04:15.000 I wanted these glasses so bad I couldn't pull the trigger though.
00:04:18.000 Because I'm just not...
00:04:20.000 You know?
00:04:21.000 Zero results for Thunderbirds.
00:04:22.000 What about Thunderbird?
00:04:24.000 I got a picture of it.
00:04:27.000 No, nothing for birds?
00:04:29.000 Just go through the catalog and see if you can find it.
00:04:33.000 They look dope, though.
00:04:34.000 Page one of five.
00:04:36.000 Yeah, look at these glasses.
00:04:38.000 Yeah, okay.
00:04:40.000 There you go.
00:04:41.000 Now you're getting there.
00:04:42.000 Look at these.
00:04:42.000 Oh, yeah.
00:04:44.000 I don't know.
00:04:44.000 Maybe there's a Thunderbird on the side.
00:04:46.000 Maybe they have them, like, behind the case.
00:04:48.000 No, he only gets one pair in black, one pair in tortoiseshell, and they're $1,700 without prescription.
00:04:58.000 Wow.
00:04:59.000 And they're fucking nuts.
00:05:04.000 Those are my glasses right there.
00:05:06.000 The ones right there?
00:05:07.000 Those are the ones.
00:05:08.000 He made those and put them up on his site.
00:05:10.000 Very nice.
00:05:11.000 Yeah.
00:05:12.000 Here, let me see.
00:05:13.000 I got this picture of it.
00:05:15.000 But I love guys like this who just take something and make it better.
00:05:19.000 Oh yeah, for sure.
00:05:21.000 Yeah, it's cool.
00:05:23.000 Craftsmanship.
00:05:24.000 Exactly.
00:05:24.000 That's exactly the word.
00:05:26.000 Craftsmanship.
00:05:27.000 I'm a big fan of craftsmanship.
00:05:29.000 Me too.
00:05:30.000 I love when people make shit.
00:05:32.000 I love when people make art.
00:05:35.000 I love when people make tables, like this table, when I get this table done.
00:05:38.000 I love the fact that somebody carved this.
00:05:40.000 This is our friend Drew.
00:05:42.000 What is Drew's last name, Jamie?
00:05:45.000 Who did the table?
00:05:49.000 Drew Teague.
00:05:50.000 He's a bad motherfucker.
00:05:52.000 And he made us this table.
00:05:53.000 We had another one like this at the old studio, but it was a little bit too big.
00:05:56.000 It was enormous.
00:05:58.000 And so we had him construct this.
00:05:59.000 Well, you look at a table like this and you're like, yeah, I could do that.
00:06:02.000 And then you realize how hard...
00:06:04.000 I watch Wood stuff on Instagram all the time.
00:06:06.000 It's my favorite.
00:06:07.000 Just seeing some guy taking a tree and making it into something is nuts to me.
00:06:14.000 It's so satisfying, right?
00:06:16.000 Watching someone carve things out of wood and saw and hammer and nail and make it all precise.
00:06:20.000 Yeah, like there's so much that goes into it and this one dude is just sitting there and it was a tree.
00:06:27.000 It was in a forest and now it's in somebody's house and generations are going to eat off this thing and talk about fucking everything.
00:06:36.000 My table's from the 50s.
00:06:38.000 Yeah, we moved into my house up in Westchester.
00:06:42.000 They were like, you want to buy this furniture, 500 bucks, because the lady was dying or whatever.
00:06:47.000 And she lived in the house her whole life.
00:06:49.000 And I looked at it, I'm like, 100%, because it's mid-century modern furniture.
00:06:56.000 It's like the Danish...
00:06:58.000 We're making this furniture.
00:07:00.000 You know, Europe was making these amazing wood furniture, like Mad Men type of furniture, right?
00:07:06.000 And America started making them.
00:07:07.000 I was like, this is that stuff.
00:07:09.000 So we took it, and I found out the table's worth $2,800.
00:07:13.000 The chairs are worth, you know, $250 each.
00:07:16.000 The liquor cabinet's worth $4,000.
00:07:19.000 All the stuff we got was from the 50s when she got it.
00:07:23.000 And I'm sitting there going, this whole family grew up on this table.
00:07:27.000 And now, it's very important in my house that when I'm home, we have dinner.
00:07:32.000 Me and my wife and my son, we sit at the table and we have dinner.
00:07:36.000 And I talk.
00:07:38.000 Because that's the time...
00:07:41.000 We bond.
00:07:42.000 Find out about your day.
00:07:43.000 You need a break from your day.
00:07:46.000 Yeah.
00:07:46.000 Where, you know, you're doing all this shit and now you're going to sit here and just talk.
00:07:50.000 No iPads, no homework, no fucking Instagram, no bullshit.
00:07:55.000 Just sit down and talk.
00:07:56.000 And it's like, what was the best part?
00:07:57.000 What was the worst part of your day?
00:07:59.000 You know?
00:08:00.000 And, you know, this happened.
00:08:02.000 Recess, of course.
00:08:03.000 I'm like, no, fucking recess.
00:08:04.000 Don't got it.
00:08:05.000 Lunch, nope, don't count.
00:08:08.000 And we ship this table.
00:08:10.000 And then someone's going to buy this table in 50 years.
00:08:13.000 It's probably worth even more.
00:08:15.000 It's like you can't recreate a 1950s table.
00:08:19.000 You can make a copy of it, but it's not a 1950s.
00:08:23.000 There's something about an old thing that's like baked in memories and thoughts.
00:08:28.000 Yeah.
00:08:28.000 There's a scrape on the table.
00:08:30.000 That's from their kid.
00:08:31.000 I know it.
00:08:33.000 That their kid did some stupid shit.
00:08:35.000 And she goes, you scraped the table!
00:08:39.000 He's got to be like 60 now.
00:08:41.000 And if he came and saw it, he'd be like, dude, I did that.
00:08:45.000 When I was like seven, I just got a fork and I started screaming, you know what I mean?
00:08:49.000 There's a story behind that shit.
00:08:51.000 It's like a Rolex.
00:08:52.000 When you get a really nice watch, the craftsmanship that goes into that watch, fuck the watch.
00:08:58.000 Like, oh, I got a Rolex.
00:08:59.000 It's not about that.
00:09:00.000 There's like...
00:09:01.000 Engineering.
00:09:02.000 The engineering of it, and then when you scratch it for the first time, you get so bummed out.
00:09:07.000 But that's your scratch.
00:09:09.000 You know what I mean?
00:09:09.000 So the next guy that gets this watch, or my son when he gets it, that's my life.
00:09:14.000 This is a big market for those really old Rolexes.
00:09:17.000 I know.
00:09:18.000 People love those real old ones.
00:09:19.000 You can't get them.
00:09:20.000 Go to Bob's.
00:09:21.000 You know, Bob's watches.
00:09:22.000 Do you know what that is?
00:09:23.000 Yeah.
00:09:23.000 No, I know Bob's.
00:09:24.000 So you're a watch guy.
00:09:25.000 I like watches, yeah.
00:09:27.000 I'm a big fan of watches.
00:09:30.000 Yeah, me too.
00:09:30.000 I love them.
00:09:31.000 I go to Mayer's in Tampa, and I go to watches of Switzerland and New York.
00:09:37.000 What is Mayer's?
00:09:38.000 Mayer's is a big watch place in Tampa.
00:09:42.000 Just a watch collector's place?
00:09:44.000 No, they're just watches of Switzerland.
00:09:46.000 It's like an authorized Rolex dealer.
00:09:49.000 So you're just all about Rolexes?
00:09:51.000 No, I like German watches.
00:09:54.000 I like watches.
00:09:56.000 When I went to, when I toured with Louis in Europe this year, in Paris, I was like, I want to get a French watch.
00:10:02.000 I got this $400 watch called Lip.
00:10:05.000 It's just L-I-P. It's a nice watch.
00:10:09.000 It's a diver's watch.
00:10:11.000 It's $400, but it's gorgeous.
00:10:14.000 I like watches.
00:10:15.000 I have two Phoenix, the Garmin watches.
00:10:20.000 Hmm.
00:10:21.000 I love the Garmin watch because it lasts for 68 days.
00:10:24.000 Yeah, I've got one of those.
00:10:25.000 They're the best.
00:10:26.000 Like Apple watch, I got one of those, but it lasts 24 hours.
00:10:28.000 You got to recharge it.
00:10:29.000 They have a new one, the Ultra.
00:10:31.000 Looks good, yeah.
00:10:32.000 Lasts a couple of days.
00:10:32.000 Yeah.
00:10:33.000 But it's fat.
00:10:33.000 It's like a toaster.
00:10:34.000 It's still like two days.
00:10:35.000 Like the Garmin, it's 68 days.
00:10:38.000 Yeah.
00:10:38.000 If you set it right.
00:10:39.000 And also like, if you run the GPS, it's less.
00:10:42.000 But I mean, it has that option.
00:10:44.000 You could run GPS on it.
00:10:45.000 Like you could track your whereabouts and shit.
00:10:47.000 100%, yeah.
00:10:48.000 I love watches.
00:10:49.000 I love that whole...
00:10:51.000 I love knives.
00:10:53.000 Me too.
00:10:55.000 Do you get a Jack Law yet?
00:10:57.000 No.
00:10:57.000 What is that?
00:10:58.000 It's a bushcraft knife.
00:11:02.000 Bushcraft?
00:11:02.000 Yeah.
00:11:02.000 Are you learning bushcraft, Bobby?
00:11:05.000 Buddy, I'm telling you.
00:11:06.000 By the way, you should never take those glasses off.
00:11:08.000 Why?
00:11:09.000 They're perfect for you.
00:11:10.000 Aren't they?
00:11:11.000 They're perfect.
00:11:12.000 I gotta take them off at some point.
00:11:14.000 Every now and then.
00:11:15.000 Take them off when you fuck.
00:11:17.000 Dude, yeah.
00:11:18.000 Well then I guess I'm never gonna take him off.
00:11:20.000 15 years married.
00:11:22.000 Fucking goddammit.
00:11:26.000 Bushcraft.
00:11:27.000 Bushcraft, dude.
00:11:27.000 I love bushcraft.
00:11:28.000 What does that mean?
00:11:29.000 What does that word mean?
00:11:30.000 I mean, I don't...
00:11:31.000 It means like learning how to like live in the bush, right?
00:11:33.000 I'm not...
00:11:34.000 I don't...
00:11:35.000 I'm not a bushcrafter.
00:11:37.000 You never heard of me and Ari and Joe List, the bushcraft party boys?
00:11:41.000 No.
00:11:50.000 I've never heard of it.
00:11:51.000 What's the Bushcraft Party Boys?
00:11:52.000 What does that mean?
00:11:55.000 Bushcrafting is like when you go in the woods and you survive.
00:11:58.000 You make a shelter, you make a chair, you get all the stuff you need.
00:12:03.000 Do you know how to do all that shit?
00:12:04.000 Yeah, I know how to do it.
00:12:05.000 Can you start a fire?
00:12:06.000 Yeah, 100%.
00:12:07.000 With flint?
00:12:08.000 I haven't done flint, but I have a flint.
00:12:11.000 I do have a steel and flint, but I have a ferro rod.
00:12:16.000 It comes with a knife, like a bushcraft.
00:12:17.000 This guy, Jack Lohr, and Ray Mears is the guy who started it in England.
00:12:23.000 Bushcraft, big bushcraft guy, and they'll just go out in the woods.
00:12:27.000 Did it go out?
00:12:28.000 Yeah, thank you.
00:12:30.000 And they have these knives that you can pretty much do everything with.
00:12:34.000 Like, you just go in, you'll make a shell, everything with this knife you can do.
00:12:38.000 Is that you guys?
00:12:39.000 That's us.
00:12:40.000 That's the Bushcraft Party Boys.
00:12:41.000 Where were you guys?
00:12:41.000 That's beautiful.
00:12:42.000 So, dude, I'll tell you.
00:12:44.000 That's gorgeous.
00:12:44.000 Where is that?
00:12:45.000 That's beautiful.
00:12:45.000 That's in New York.
00:12:46.000 That's the Catskills.
00:12:47.000 Oh, that's a good place to get Lyme disease.
00:12:49.000 So we go up.
00:12:51.000 This is so crazy.
00:12:52.000 We go up.
00:12:53.000 Check this out.
00:12:54.000 We go up.
00:12:55.000 I find the spot where we're going to go hiking, right?
00:12:59.000 So we hike two miles up this road.
00:13:00.000 It's an old dirt road that they used to, you know, horse and buggy used to go up.
00:13:08.000 And you get to the top and there's an old hotel, but it's all just the, you know, the frame of it.
00:13:15.000 But it's creepy and beautiful and awesome.
00:13:18.000 You get to the top.
00:13:18.000 It's two hours up to the top.
00:13:20.000 Then you go down the other side and it's a regular trail.
00:13:23.000 And that's another two hours down to this lake.
00:13:26.000 I forget what lake it is.
00:13:27.000 Echo Lake.
00:13:28.000 And it's called Primitive Camping.
00:13:30.000 This is beautiful.
00:13:31.000 That lake is so pretty.
00:13:33.000 It's unbelievable.
00:13:34.000 And it's all beavers are in there.
00:13:36.000 You can see all the trees.
00:13:37.000 There's a photo of it.
00:13:38.000 Are there fish in that lake?
00:13:39.000 Yeah, there's fish.
00:13:40.000 There's everything.
00:13:40.000 Did you guys fish?
00:13:41.000 No, we didn't fish.
00:13:42.000 We're not fishing.
00:13:44.000 Dude, I brought filet mignons, Italian sausages.
00:13:47.000 Oh, nice.
00:13:47.000 Did you?
00:13:48.000 Yeah, I cooked everything.
00:13:49.000 Did you film that coyote?
00:13:50.000 No, no, no.
00:13:51.000 So we're out there and I'm the one who kind of knows about all this stuff.
00:13:55.000 So I told him about the bears.
00:13:57.000 So we get up there.
00:13:58.000 I'm like, you know, this is how you got to hang a bear bag.
00:14:01.000 You got to, you know, if you're going to take a shit, it's going to be 150 feet from the trail and water.
00:14:07.000 You got to dig it out.
00:14:09.000 You poop.
00:14:09.000 You know, you can't just shit.
00:14:11.000 Right.
00:14:11.000 You have to dig it out, poop, wipe, put that in the hole, take baby wipes.
00:14:15.000 You got to carry that out with you back in a Ziploc bag.
00:14:18.000 All this stuff.
00:14:19.000 Snakes.
00:14:19.000 There's huge rattlesnakes up in the Catskills.
00:14:24.000 Big, big rattlesnakes up there.
00:14:26.000 Yeah, you have to be very careful of rattlesnakes.
00:14:28.000 So is there a lot of black bears up there?
00:14:30.000 Is that what it is?
00:14:30.000 There's black bears up there.
00:14:31.000 I told them about that.
00:14:32.000 But, you know, they're going to stay away.
00:14:34.000 Just don't have food in your tent.
00:14:36.000 There's certain things, because we're primitive camping, there's nobody around.
00:14:39.000 There's nobody around for four hours.
00:14:41.000 How deep did you get in there?
00:14:42.000 How far did you walk in?
00:14:43.000 We walked four hours in.
00:14:44.000 So two hours up, two hours down the back.
00:14:46.000 Wow.
00:14:47.000 So if somebody gets hurt, it's going to be a problem.
00:14:50.000 So we were, I mean, I cooked up a storm.
00:14:52.000 I have this, it's called the firebox.
00:14:54.000 It's this little steel box that's flat and then it opens up.
00:14:58.000 I cooked everybody rice pilaf.
00:15:00.000 We had this sick meal.
00:15:01.000 Dude, look at you.
00:15:03.000 You guys have rain gear and everything?
00:15:05.000 Everything.
00:15:06.000 We had food, we had cigars, we had the fire.
00:15:10.000 How many days did you guys stay up there?
00:15:11.000 We did one day.
00:15:12.000 We went up for one night, packed up.
00:15:14.000 That's fucking beautiful.
00:15:15.000 So we get into, I went early because I'm old, so I get into my tent around 11.30.
00:15:19.000 Around 1.30 I hear them zipping up that tent, and they get in, and then as soon as they got in their tent, a pack of coyotes.
00:15:29.000 And I don't know if you've ever heard a pack of coyotes?
00:15:31.000 Oh yeah, sure.
00:15:32.000 I've never heard them.
00:15:33.000 I didn't understand the noise.
00:15:35.000 It sounds like something's being murdered.
00:15:37.000 Yeah.
00:15:38.000 I thought, ooh, something like that.
00:15:40.000 It's like...
00:15:41.000 Yeah.
00:15:43.000 It's the scariest fucking sound.
00:15:46.000 You know what they're doing when they do that?
00:15:47.000 They do roll call.
00:15:49.000 Is that what they're doing?
00:15:49.000 Yeah, they're making sure.
00:15:50.000 Either they kill something and they want to let everybody know that they killed something, so they let all the other coyotes know, or they're doing roll call.
00:15:57.000 And here's what's interesting.
00:15:58.000 When they do roll call, if one of the coyotes doesn't respond, that means the coyote probably got killed.
00:16:04.000 And when a coyote gets killed, the female coyotes in the pack produce more litter.
00:16:09.000 It's one of the reasons why coyotes are everywhere.
00:16:11.000 They're one of the most unusual animals in North America in that when their populations decrease, the female litters increase.
00:16:19.000 Like they make more babies and they spread their territory out.
00:16:23.000 Because they used to be limited to the West.
00:16:25.000 But then when in the 1800s and the 1900s, when people started shooting them and running them off, like when they extirpated the wolves, like wolves are, basically they were...
00:16:36.000 Did you just use the word extirpated?
00:16:38.000 Yeah.
00:16:39.000 Yeah.
00:16:39.000 I have no idea what that means.
00:16:40.000 When they removed the wolves...
00:16:41.000 Thank you for dumbing it down.
00:16:43.000 Yeah, when they removed all the wolves, they killed all the wolves in the West.
00:16:47.000 When they were doing that to the coyotes, it didn't work.
00:16:49.000 The coyotes just spread out.
00:16:51.000 And now there's coyotes in every city in America.
00:16:54.000 Yeah.
00:16:55.000 And they're wolves.
00:16:55.000 I just saw one that got hit on the West Side Highway.
00:16:58.000 Yeah, they're everywhere.
00:16:59.000 They're in Manhattan.
00:17:01.000 They're all over Central Park.
00:17:02.000 And people are like, no way.
00:17:04.000 Like, yeah, there's videos of them in the Bronx.
00:17:05.000 They're in my neighborhood.
00:17:06.000 Abandoned houses.
00:17:07.000 100%.
00:17:08.000 Yeah.
00:17:08.000 But we're four hours away from anything.
00:17:11.000 It's 1.30 in the morning.
00:17:12.000 It's me, Ari Shafir, and Joe List.
00:17:15.000 Not the...
00:17:16.000 Most robust humans.
00:17:18.000 Not the Navy SEAL team you're looking for, right?
00:17:20.000 You know, I'm huge, right?
00:17:23.000 Did you guys bring a firearm or anything?
00:17:25.000 I had my knife, my bushcraft knife.
00:17:29.000 Oh, there you go.
00:17:30.000 Ari had one.
00:17:31.000 I gave Joe List my broken buck knife that he didn't know was broken, and I had bear spray.
00:17:36.000 I took bear spray just in case.
00:17:37.000 Just in case.
00:17:38.000 And, I mean, they screamed.
00:17:40.000 Dude, it was terrifying.
00:17:42.000 Terrifying.
00:17:42.000 The noise is terrifying.
00:17:43.000 And then right when it stopped, Joe List went, What do we do about that?
00:17:51.000 That's awesome.
00:17:52.000 Then my pad, my sleeping pad broke.
00:17:56.000 It just pops.
00:17:57.000 Oh, you got one of those air pads?
00:17:59.000 No, it was just, dude, I'm huge at the time.
00:18:01.000 I'm fucking massive.
00:18:02.000 It wasn't my weight, you know what I mean?
00:18:04.000 It just popped it.
00:18:05.000 So I got to keep rolling around all night.
00:18:08.000 Ari keeps hearing me roll around trying to get my pad together, and he thinks I'm being attacked.
00:18:13.000 So Ari in the middle of the night, Bobby, what the fuck's happening?
00:18:16.000 Are you alright?
00:18:17.000 Are you alright?
00:18:17.000 I'm like, I'm fucking fine.
00:18:19.000 My pad's broken.
00:18:20.000 Shut the fuck up.
00:18:21.000 It was so crazy.
00:18:24.000 Yeah, it was great.
00:18:25.000 We've done it a couple times.
00:18:26.000 Oh, that's awesome.
00:18:27.000 We've gone out a couple times.
00:18:28.000 I got a whole show I'm shooting next summer, Comedy Camp.
00:18:34.000 Really?
00:18:34.000 Yeah, dude, I'm taking five comics up into the woods for five days.
00:18:39.000 No cell phones, no managers, no nothing.
00:18:42.000 If you bring no managers, that's hilarious.
00:18:44.000 Would your manager want to go?
00:18:45.000 Who's fucking manager would want to go there?
00:18:47.000 Well, some of these things that, you know, there's a hotel or you break or you go back to the thing or your agent's there.
00:18:53.000 Dude, I'm taking Jim Norton.
00:18:55.000 I'm taking Russell Peters, Beth Stelling.
00:18:58.000 I'm taking myself.
00:18:59.000 And there's one more comic we're going to pick.
00:19:01.000 We're going to the woods for five days.
00:19:04.000 That's amazing.
00:19:05.000 And we're going to do bushcrafting.
00:19:06.000 Like you're going to light the fire and you get patches on your sash like a Girl Scout.
00:19:12.000 And whoever raised money for charity, whoever wins, gives a certain amount of money to the charity.
00:19:18.000 You got to do a solo in the woods by yourself, set up your camp, set up your fire, do all that shit for comics.
00:19:26.000 You know the show alone, right?
00:19:28.000 It's one of my favorite shows ever.
00:19:30.000 It's a great show.
00:19:31.000 It's such a good show.
00:19:32.000 I had one of the guys who won on the podcast.
00:19:34.000 I saw it.
00:19:34.000 It was really, really interesting.
00:19:35.000 He's fascinating.
00:19:37.000 They all are.
00:19:38.000 This guy lived with the tribal people in Siberia.
00:19:42.000 Right.
00:19:43.000 He lived with reindeer herders, which is really amazing.
00:19:47.000 If I had another life, dude, I would go do that shit.
00:19:50.000 Yeah.
00:19:50.000 I would just let it go and just live.
00:19:56.000 Those guys are out there.
00:19:57.000 What a show concept.
00:19:59.000 Whoever stays the longest wins.
00:20:01.000 And you can always tell who's...
00:20:03.000 Who's gonna be kicked off or who's gonna leave first?
00:20:06.000 I miss my kid.
00:20:07.000 That guy, Jordan, who went out there, he was stealing.
00:20:10.000 He was stealing.
00:20:11.000 He had so much information.
00:20:14.000 It was like a rigged game.
00:20:16.000 Is that the guy who killed the moose?
00:20:18.000 Yeah.
00:20:18.000 He was so far ahead of everybody.
00:20:20.000 It's like he was stealing money.
00:20:22.000 It's like, you're not staying out there longer than that guy.
00:20:25.000 Well, yeah, but it's funny because the guys who have the kids and the wife that they love, they're gone.
00:20:30.000 Yeah.
00:20:31.000 They're just done.
00:20:31.000 It's hard.
00:20:33.000 It's hard, I get it, but it's like, it's three days in, and you're like, I miss my wife.
00:20:38.000 It's like, dude, shut up.
00:20:40.000 Just at least do 20 days, you know what I mean?
00:20:44.000 Jordan did, I think, 60. 60-something days.
00:20:46.000 I think the most is 80-something.
00:20:48.000 Wow.
00:20:49.000 And this guy, I think he had a shovel, a sharp shovel, and he just knew how to do it.
00:20:53.000 I forget his name.
00:20:54.000 I follow him on Instagram.
00:20:55.000 But that guy, he knows that fat...
00:20:58.000 Is the key to surviving.
00:20:59.000 Mm-hmm.
00:21:00.000 Well, remember a Wolverine ate his fat?
00:21:02.000 Ate his fat, yeah.
00:21:03.000 And so he had to kill the Wolverine.
00:21:04.000 That's great.
00:21:04.000 So he killed the Wolverine with a fucking axe.
00:21:06.000 Yeah.
00:21:07.000 That's some man shit.
00:21:08.000 That's hard shit.
00:21:09.000 That's some hardcore shit.
00:21:10.000 I ran into a badger when I was in...
00:21:13.000 Did I tell you about this, Jamie?
00:21:14.000 I didn't tell you.
00:21:15.000 I ran into a badger when I was in Utah in the mountains hunting a couple weeks ago.
00:21:20.000 Yeah.
00:21:20.000 And we stopped the truck.
00:21:23.000 The headlights were on.
00:21:24.000 This badger was in the middle of the road.
00:21:25.000 And I said, let me go get a fucking photo with this badger.
00:21:27.000 And as I walked up to it and started filming it, its hair went up and it started walking towards me.
00:21:32.000 Yeah.
00:21:32.000 This little thing.
00:21:33.000 Yeah.
00:21:34.000 And I'm like, oh, whoops, gotta go.
00:21:36.000 I fucking jumped back.
00:21:37.000 Did you see that video of the badger fighting a pack of lions?
00:21:40.000 I've seen that, yeah.
00:21:41.000 That's crazy.
00:21:42.000 No, it's amazing.
00:21:43.000 And it won.
00:21:44.000 Yeah, they're fucking terrifying animals.
00:21:46.000 They're so ferocious.
00:21:47.000 Let me find this.
00:21:49.000 I got this in here.
00:21:52.000 It's amazing that an animal that small, like a wolverine or a badger, that big animals are terrified of it.
00:22:00.000 Like, big predators are terrified of it.
00:22:01.000 Like, what the fuck?
00:22:03.000 What are they doing?
00:22:04.000 Let me find this.
00:22:05.000 But that show is so great, even that guy, because it's like, okay, fine.
00:22:09.000 I know the animals, the moose will kill you, Wolverine will kill you, but if you know what you're doing, you're the top of the food chain.
00:22:17.000 Yeah, if you know what you're doing.
00:22:19.000 If you know what you're doing, you're the top.
00:22:20.000 And that guy was pretty amazing.
00:22:22.000 Well, humans with weapons are always at the top of the food chain, but humans without weapons are at the bottom.
00:22:28.000 I mean, you can get killed by a rat.
00:22:30.000 You have very little shot at anything.
00:22:32.000 You're a fucking human with no weapon.
00:22:35.000 Right.
00:22:35.000 Got it in here somewhere.
00:22:37.000 I'm not going to fire.
00:22:38.000 Oh, there it is.
00:22:39.000 Here, I'll send it to you, Jamie.
00:22:44.000 Cigar is so good, dude.
00:22:45.000 They're good, right?
00:22:46.000 No, this is one of the most people who get a cigar.
00:22:49.000 Like, it's my cigar.
00:22:50.000 It's garbage.
00:22:51.000 I know.
00:22:52.000 Like, when Nick from Foundation Cigars sent these to me, I was very skeptical.
00:22:56.000 Yeah.
00:22:56.000 Very skeptical.
00:22:57.000 It's such a great cigar.
00:22:59.000 I mean, it's one of my favorites, and it's crazy you can't even get it.
00:23:03.000 Well, yeah, this is it right here.
00:23:05.000 So, give me some volume here.
00:23:07.000 So, this is, it's like just at the end of the day.
00:23:12.000 Hey, man.
00:23:16.000 Amen.
00:23:16.000 So I'm just walking up to it trying to film it.
00:23:21.000 Jesus.
00:23:22.000 And I'm like, nope, gotta go.
00:23:23.000 See ya.
00:23:24.000 Yeah, exactly.
00:23:27.000 I love it.
00:23:27.000 Anytime somebody sees an animal, we always talk to them like it's like a surfer.
00:23:31.000 Hey, what's up, dude?
00:23:32.000 What up, bro?
00:23:33.000 Hey, bro.
00:23:33.000 Hey, man.
00:23:34.000 You cool, dude?
00:23:34.000 Yeah, you're not cool?
00:23:35.000 Okay.
00:23:36.000 I'd never seen one in a while before.
00:23:38.000 That's wild.
00:23:38.000 They're just such an interesting looking, like a little pit bull covered in fur.
00:23:45.000 It's funny because I bought a tiny house I was telling you up in New Hampshire and I want to see animals so bad.
00:23:52.000 We go up in the summertime for two months.
00:23:55.000 You don't see anything up there?
00:23:57.000 I haven't seen it.
00:23:58.000 I saw a deer, but I know there's a bear.
00:24:01.000 I know there's a lot of bear.
00:24:02.000 I know there's a lot of meerkats and mountain lions and stuff like that, but I haven't seen them.
00:24:07.000 When you want to see them is when you don't see them.
00:24:09.000 There's moose up there, too.
00:24:11.000 Moose.
00:24:11.000 There's everything up there.
00:24:12.000 There was more animal sightings in Westchester on my ring cam than there was.
00:24:19.000 The deer.
00:24:19.000 Deer in Westchester are off the charts.
00:24:21.000 There's so many.
00:24:22.000 There's bear, too.
00:24:23.000 There's bear.
00:24:24.000 There's a bobcat.
00:24:25.000 Wow.
00:24:26.000 There's a bobcat, there's coyote everywhere.
00:24:29.000 They have a real bear problem in New Jersey.
00:24:33.000 You want to know about this?
00:24:34.000 This is kind of crazy.
00:24:35.000 The highest population of bears in the entire country is in New Jersey.
00:24:40.000 That's crazy.
00:24:41.000 There's more bears per capita in New Jersey.
00:24:44.000 Because you can't kill them.
00:24:45.000 Because you can't kill them now.
00:24:46.000 They used to be able to, until this new governor.
00:24:48.000 This new governor came along, let's stop the bear hunt.
00:24:52.000 They're teddy bears, and they're yogi, and they're our friends.
00:24:56.000 Did you see the video?
00:24:56.000 I posted the video on my Instagram yesterday of a hiker.
00:24:59.000 He's climbing up this mountain and the bear comes down the mountain and tries to eat him.
00:25:05.000 Yeah, I saw that.
00:25:05.000 He's kicking it.
00:25:05.000 And he's like screaming and the noises this guy makes.
00:25:09.000 Pull that up.
00:25:09.000 The noises this guy makes are so fucking primal.
00:25:13.000 He's like...
00:25:14.000 Because he's about to get...
00:25:17.000 Look at that thing.
00:25:24.000 That's a small bear, too.
00:25:26.000 He's lucky.
00:25:27.000 That's probably like a six-foot bear.
00:25:30.000 I can't fuck with him, though, dude, because you think you'd do something.
00:25:34.000 No, there's not much you can do.
00:25:36.000 It was really interesting.
00:25:37.000 Play it again because at the beginning of it, it comes right down at him.
00:25:43.000 Right down from the top and tries to bite him and then runs back at him.
00:25:49.000 He's lucky he had the high ground after that.
00:25:52.000 He kicks like a bitch, too.
00:25:53.000 He's lucky.
00:25:53.000 He's lucky that bear did just bite his foot off.
00:25:57.000 Poor guy, man.
00:25:59.000 Those noises.
00:26:01.000 Jesus Christ.
00:26:02.000 Those noises are so primal.
00:26:04.000 Poor dude.
00:26:05.000 Is that what you're calling them?
00:26:06.000 Yeah.
00:26:07.000 Primal?
00:26:08.000 That's...
00:26:08.000 You know, Anthony Cumia sent me a text message this morning.
00:26:12.000 He was like, that's like what you would...
00:26:14.000 Like caveman noises.
00:26:15.000 You'd expect a caveman.
00:26:16.000 Ah!
00:26:17.000 Ah!
00:26:18.000 That's what it sounds like.
00:26:19.000 It's like the fucking DNA of you.
00:26:23.000 Forget about your language.
00:26:24.000 Just noise.
00:26:27.000 Because you don't know.
00:26:28.000 I always think I know what I do.
00:26:31.000 Bear.
00:26:32.000 Bear.
00:26:32.000 You see the bear.
00:26:34.000 Back bear.
00:26:35.000 Like in my head.
00:26:36.000 But if that happened to me, I'd probably make the same.
00:26:38.000 100% I'd make that noise.
00:26:40.000 Probably a little higher pitched.
00:26:42.000 Well, 100% I'd have a gun, so I'd shoot that thing right in the fucking face 100%.
00:26:47.000 You can only kick them so many times.
00:26:50.000 If you have a gun on you, that's way better.
00:26:53.000 That situation is scary, because people get eaten by bears all the time.
00:26:58.000 It is a common occurrence.
00:27:00.000 But bear spray, I heard this, bear spray is less effective than regular mace.
00:27:06.000 Really?
00:27:08.000 Because we can go wash our eyes out.
00:27:11.000 Bears can't.
00:27:12.000 So they make it less powerful because they can't wipe their eyes off.
00:27:17.000 Is that true?
00:27:18.000 I didn't know that.
00:27:19.000 I mean, it's true because I said it.
00:27:21.000 I would have thought it would be more powerful.
00:27:22.000 They come in these big canisters.
00:27:24.000 No, it's less powerful because they can't go wipe their face off.
00:27:28.000 They can't go to a lake and just get their eyes out.
00:27:31.000 They make it less powerful.
00:27:33.000 Oh.
00:27:33.000 I mean, that's a fact for me.
00:27:35.000 Fuck that, then.
00:27:36.000 Then I would take Mace.
00:27:38.000 Yeah, I don't give a fuck if they're washing their eyes out.
00:27:40.000 I heard bears, but they don't.
00:27:42.000 Like a black bear.
00:27:43.000 A black bear, you become bigger.
00:27:46.000 A brown bear, you become smaller.
00:27:48.000 Right?
00:27:48.000 It depends.
00:27:49.000 That situation, that was a black bear.
00:27:50.000 And a polar bear, you just fucking say goodbye.
00:27:52.000 Yeah, polar bear, you're fucked.
00:27:53.000 Yeah.
00:27:53.000 Polar bears are different because they only eat meat.
00:27:56.000 Right.
00:27:56.000 So a black bear will eat berries and it'll eat leaves and grass and it'll also eat meat.
00:28:02.000 A grizzly bear, same thing.
00:28:03.000 Polar bear, there's no grass where it lives.
00:28:05.000 So all they do is eat meat.
00:28:07.000 They're the most predatory of all bears.
00:28:09.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:28:10.000 You ever heard of a short-faced bear?
00:28:11.000 No.
00:28:12.000 That was the bear that probably kept human beings from crossing the Bering Strait.
00:28:16.000 The Bering landmass during the Ice Age, when the continents were connected and you could walk from Asia to America, there was a bear called the short-faced bear that died off when all the megafauna died.
00:28:31.000 Somewhere around 12,000 years ago, there was a mass extinction of megafauna, and the short-faced bear was amongst them.
00:28:37.000 It was like twice the size of a polar bear.
00:28:39.000 Jesus Christ.
00:28:40.000 And it had long limbs.
00:28:41.000 So it's like a cat.
00:28:43.000 Find a photo of a short-faced bear in comparison to a person.
00:28:47.000 Holy shit.
00:28:48.000 Look at the fucking size of that thing.
00:28:51.000 I mean, could you imagine if you saw that thing running towards you?
00:28:56.000 That's it.
00:28:56.000 You're done.
00:28:57.000 But this is why I love man, because they found a way to take that down and make a coat out of it.
00:29:04.000 With a rock connected to a stick.
00:29:06.000 Yeah, they were like, listen, man.
00:29:08.000 Fucking look at that thing, man.
00:29:10.000 Just imagine being a primitive man with animal skins covering your dick, wandering through the forest trying to find a squirrel to feed your children.
00:29:18.000 Why don't they make a movie?
00:29:19.000 They made one movie a long time ago with a crazy bear.
00:29:22.000 I don't know if you remember it.
00:29:23.000 I forget the name of it.
00:29:24.000 There was, you know, some nuclear lake and the animals ate out of it and tadpoles were this big and there was a fucking bear like that just going around killing everybody.
00:29:36.000 What was it called?
00:29:37.000 It started with a P. It was scary as shit though.
00:29:42.000 Prophecy.
00:29:42.000 Oh, I remember that.
00:29:43.000 Remember this movie?
00:29:44.000 That was 1979?
00:29:47.000 Right.
00:29:47.000 Wow, I didn't know.
00:29:48.000 You know that's when Alien was?
00:29:49.000 The movie Alien?
00:29:50.000 That was 1979?
00:29:51.000 Really?
00:29:52.000 Yeah, I thought it was way later than that.
00:29:54.000 That's Prophecy.
00:29:54.000 Look at that fucking stupid thing.
00:29:57.000 That thing...
00:29:58.000 These people would just be in a tent and it just goes...
00:30:01.000 Oh my god, that's amazing.
00:30:03.000 Yeah, look at the car.
00:30:04.000 That's amazing.
00:30:05.000 Look at that.
00:30:07.000 Nice truck.
00:30:08.000 Look at that bear.
00:30:09.000 Is that a Defender?
00:30:10.000 That's an old Jeep, maybe?
00:30:13.000 That's a fucking...
00:30:14.000 That's hilarious.
00:30:16.000 Yeah, you'd think you would have like, oh, this is the movie?
00:30:23.000 Cool old cars.
00:30:25.000 Oh, look who's in it.
00:30:25.000 Oh my God.
00:30:26.000 What's her face from Rocky?
00:30:28.000 Doesn't that suck that she's, what's her face from Rocky?
00:30:30.000 That's who she is.
00:30:30.000 I know, but...
00:30:31.000 That's what's her face from Rocky.
00:30:32.000 It's Adrian.
00:30:33.000 Talia Shire?
00:30:34.000 That's, uh, what's his name's sister?
00:30:35.000 Who?
00:30:38.000 Pauly.
00:30:39.000 Pauly's sister.
00:30:40.000 She was hot.
00:30:41.000 The guy who directed The Godfather.
00:30:44.000 Oh, really?
00:30:46.000 Francis Ford Coppola.
00:30:47.000 That's his sister?
00:30:48.000 That's his sister.
00:30:49.000 She was hot and rocky.
00:30:51.000 Smoking.
00:30:51.000 When he took the glasses off of her, I was like, holy shit, she's hot.
00:30:55.000 How hot was she in Rocky III? When she got pretty.
00:30:58.000 When Rocky got pretty, too.
00:30:59.000 Remember, he was all handsome.
00:31:00.000 He had the suit on.
00:31:01.000 Shredded.
00:31:01.000 Yeah.
00:31:02.000 I got soft, Rock!
00:31:03.000 What?
00:31:04.000 When he got the robot, the gay robot?
00:31:07.000 Look at that.
00:31:08.000 It's the greatest robot ever.
00:31:09.000 Prophecy.
00:31:09.000 What the fuck?
00:31:10.000 That's the tadpole?
00:31:12.000 What is that?
00:31:12.000 That's a bear baby?
00:31:13.000 I think that's a baby bear.
00:31:14.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.
00:31:16.000 That's a wolf.
00:31:17.000 In the nuclear lake.
00:31:18.000 Yeah, the lake.
00:31:19.000 And the tadpole they take out is nuts.
00:31:21.000 Let me climb in this fucking nuclear lake and let this thing free.
00:31:24.000 Imagine, there's a lake filled with nuclear radiation that's turning a tadpole into that thing.
00:31:29.000 And this guy's like, let's climb on in with no hazmat suits.
00:31:33.000 Oh, we got a helicopter?
00:31:34.000 Let me bring this thing to safety.
00:31:37.000 He's cuddling that little baby.
00:31:39.000 Yeah, we'll bring it to safety.
00:31:40.000 And then the big bear comes looking for its baby.
00:31:42.000 Is that the story?
00:31:44.000 Yeah, I think that is the story.
00:31:45.000 And then what's her name from Rocky?
00:31:46.000 Yeah.
00:31:47.000 Fucking saves the day.
00:31:48.000 She's so pretty.
00:31:49.000 She was hot.
00:31:50.000 God, she's gorgeous.
00:31:51.000 Yeah.
00:31:51.000 That's like the best looking kind of Italian woman.
00:31:55.000 Those features.
00:31:57.000 Yeah.
00:31:57.000 Yeah.
00:31:58.000 What a stupid movie.
00:32:00.000 It's a dumb movie.
00:32:01.000 Stupid, but it's great.
00:32:03.000 There's some great dumb movies from those days.
00:32:05.000 They should make a new bear movie.
00:32:07.000 They should.
00:32:08.000 With one of those.
00:32:09.000 Yeah.
00:32:09.000 Or maybe a short-faced bear.
00:32:10.000 Like maybe someone brings one of those things back to life.
00:32:13.000 Right.
00:32:15.000 Well, they're trying to bring back woolly mammoths.
00:32:17.000 There's a lot of assholes that want to bring back everything.
00:32:19.000 Like, 90% of everything that ever lived is extinct.
00:32:22.000 I think it's more than 90%.
00:32:23.000 Things go extinct.
00:32:24.000 They're bad designs.
00:32:26.000 Fuck the dodo bird.
00:32:27.000 It's over.
00:32:27.000 Let it go.
00:32:28.000 Don't bring it back.
00:32:29.000 I want a dodo bird.
00:32:30.000 I want a pterodactyl.
00:32:31.000 I want a pterodactyl to eat all the fucking pigeons in New York.
00:32:35.000 There was a place on Earth where they thought that pterodactyls were still alive.
00:32:40.000 What the fuck?
00:32:41.000 Yeah, there was like one of them legend things where people were claiming to see enormous birds, bird-like creatures that had like 17-foot wingspans, and they were thinking that pterodactyls still existed.
00:32:53.000 It was like some tropical place.
00:32:55.000 Was it Tampa?
00:32:59.000 I'm telling you, Tampa's...
00:33:01.000 It's wild!
00:33:02.000 I stay at my friend, you know Mike Calta, right?
00:33:05.000 I stay at his house when I go down there, I play the Sidesplitters, right?
00:33:12.000 Speaking of Tampa, I just filmed my special down there, too.
00:33:14.000 Not to segue into that fucking club.
00:33:16.000 Special looks great.
00:33:17.000 Did you get it?
00:33:18.000 Yeah, I did.
00:33:18.000 And it's on Louis?
00:33:19.000 You're doing it on LouisCK.com?
00:33:21.000 LouisCK.com.
00:33:23.000 He actually, he's the best, dude.
00:33:25.000 He came to me.
00:33:26.000 I was opening for him in Europe, and he was like, do you have a special?
00:33:30.000 I was like, no, I can't.
00:33:32.000 Nobody will give me one.
00:33:33.000 There it is.
00:33:34.000 Kill Box.
00:33:34.000 Nobody will give me one.
00:33:35.000 And he's like, I'm shooting your special.
00:33:37.000 What club was this at?
00:33:39.000 We made this.
00:33:40.000 Because I told them, we sat down, I'm like, what do you want to do?
00:33:44.000 I was like, Elvis is 68 special.
00:33:47.000 His comeback special.
00:33:48.000 I want that look where 10 by 10 stage, 12 inches off the ground, surrounded by people.
00:33:56.000 I want it to be like the best, like the seller.
00:34:00.000 Sides, kill box.
00:34:02.000 You know that's a term that we use.
00:34:04.000 Dude, the place is a kill box.
00:34:06.000 The store, you know?
00:34:07.000 Kill box.
00:34:08.000 So we created this stage.
00:34:11.000 Coastal Creatives in St. Pete.
00:34:13.000 We went in there and they were like, you can do whatever you want.
00:34:16.000 They gave us comp launch.
00:34:17.000 So Louis got his whole team, his Emmy, Grammy award winning team that does all his specials and put them on me.
00:34:26.000 And he showed up.
00:34:28.000 And we shot this special.
00:34:29.000 I tried to get an outfit like Elvis, but nothing fit at the time.
00:34:33.000 So I could only get that jacket and I couldn't zip it.
00:34:35.000 But we shot this special, man.
00:34:38.000 So that was Anthony Giordano's crew.
00:34:40.000 The same people that do my stuff.
00:34:42.000 Is it?
00:34:42.000 Yeah, they do all my specials too.
00:34:44.000 They're the best.
00:34:45.000 Because I wrote this on a piece of paper.
00:34:47.000 I drew it.
00:34:48.000 Like, this is what I want.
00:34:49.000 And then you show up that day and you're like, holy shit.
00:34:53.000 Anthony, he's the director of the UFC. Is he?
00:34:58.000 Yes.
00:34:58.000 And he directed my first special for me in 2009. I don't know if it was him.
00:35:03.000 I know he does Louie's.
00:35:05.000 I think he was involved.
00:35:06.000 Brady was involved.
00:35:07.000 Leah.
00:35:08.000 Yeah, Brady.
00:35:08.000 Oh, Brady.
00:35:09.000 Okay, yeah.
00:35:09.000 That's the people.
00:35:11.000 Positive image.
00:35:11.000 Yeah.
00:35:12.000 I mean, everybody.
00:35:13.000 They're the best.
00:35:13.000 They're the best.
00:35:14.000 I couldn't believe that I went into this empty space.
00:35:17.000 You go in there and you can do whatever you want.
00:35:19.000 And I came back on show day.
00:35:22.000 And I walked in and they did it.
00:35:23.000 That's why I love show business.
00:35:25.000 That's why I love Hollywood.
00:35:27.000 That's the part I love.
00:35:28.000 People can make things happen.
00:35:29.000 It's like impossible to me.
00:35:31.000 Like in my head, I'm like, dude.
00:35:33.000 And then Louie comes in.
00:35:34.000 I step on stage.
00:35:35.000 I'm like...
00:35:37.000 Dude, I love it.
00:35:38.000 It's perfect.
00:35:39.000 Louie comes in because he's a genius.
00:35:41.000 And he goes, this is wrong.
00:35:43.000 That's wrong.
00:35:44.000 Put this over there.
00:35:44.000 Do this.
00:35:45.000 I need 50 more people over here.
00:35:47.000 I need 75. Put tickets, Bobby.
00:35:49.000 Go to your Instagram.
00:35:50.000 Sell more tickets.
00:35:51.000 I want to fill this in.
00:35:52.000 30 minutes.
00:35:53.000 And he made it 100% better.
00:35:56.000 Wow.
00:35:57.000 Because he just sees what he wants.
00:35:59.000 He changed camera views.
00:36:00.000 He did all this stuff.
00:36:02.000 And then by the time we shot, it was unbelievable.
00:36:05.000 And we did two shows.
00:36:09.000 A lady almost died.
00:36:11.000 What happened?
00:36:12.000 Dude, I go on stage.
00:36:14.000 I got Mike Calter's band, Pitbull Toddler.
00:36:17.000 Just a Florida, you know, a bunch of chubby dudes in t-shirts.
00:36:23.000 Drumming.
00:36:24.000 They're awesome.
00:36:24.000 They're just jamming, kicking ass.
00:36:27.000 And he's one of my best friends.
00:36:29.000 He's my best friend, Mike Calter.
00:36:31.000 And he goes, ladies and gentlemen, with his radio voice, give it up for Robert Kelly!
00:36:37.000 Camera goes down.
00:36:38.000 I walk out.
00:36:39.000 It's perfect.
00:36:41.000 I get on stage.
00:36:43.000 I'm like, this is great.
00:36:44.000 20 minutes in.
00:36:45.000 I'm like, in your head.
00:36:45.000 You know, you're filming specials.
00:36:47.000 I got it.
00:36:47.000 I'm in it.
00:36:48.000 I'm in it.
00:36:49.000 I'm in this.
00:36:50.000 And then I hear, help her.
00:36:53.000 And I was like, what the fuck?
00:36:54.000 Please help her!
00:36:57.000 Center stage, second row, this guy's wife just...
00:36:59.000 Caesar?
00:37:01.000 I don't know.
00:37:02.000 And I go, is she alright?
00:37:04.000 He goes, no, Bobby!
00:37:06.000 Now he's using my name, which is fucking nuts.
00:37:09.000 Bobby, help her!
00:37:10.000 Did you keep it in the special?
00:37:11.000 It's not in the special.
00:37:14.000 Dude, this is fucking nuts.
00:37:16.000 So, we're going to release it later.
00:37:19.000 Oh, no!
00:37:20.000 Did you get a release from her?
00:37:21.000 I'm going to talk to him.
00:37:22.000 So...
00:37:24.000 I go, here, give her my water.
00:37:26.000 So I give her my stage water.
00:37:27.000 And, I mean, tables, chairs are flipped, lights are on.
00:37:32.000 I'm off stage.
00:37:33.000 There's chairs on the stage I was just murdering on at my special.
00:37:37.000 And everybody knows, when you shoot a special, you have two shows.
00:37:40.000 The first one you get, the second one is just to have fun, right?
00:37:44.000 Right.
00:37:44.000 And I was doing it.
00:37:46.000 I'm off stage.
00:37:47.000 I immediately get a stress eye headache.
00:37:49.000 I'm like, my head's pounding.
00:37:51.000 I'm like, what the fuck?
00:37:53.000 I see they're dragging this lady out.
00:37:56.000 And Louie's right there.
00:37:57.000 And as soon as they drag her by Louie and she's past him, he goes, we're good.
00:38:02.000 We're good, man.
00:38:03.000 Let's go.
00:38:04.000 As soon as she was out the door, he was like, let's do it.
00:38:09.000 We're going to go.
00:38:10.000 So you take the chairs off the stage.
00:38:12.000 They take everything and they replace...
00:38:15.000 Were you in the middle of a bit?
00:38:16.000 Dude, the middle of it.
00:38:17.000 Did you start it from the beginning again?
00:38:19.000 I just started...
00:38:20.000 I started making fun of the situation.
00:38:23.000 Like your comic instincts take over.
00:38:24.000 I don't even know what I said.
00:38:25.000 It was like being in a fight.
00:38:26.000 Like you don't...
00:38:27.000 I didn't know what happened.
00:38:28.000 Right.
00:38:29.000 I was fucked, dude.
00:38:31.000 I went on...
00:38:31.000 I finished...
00:38:33.000 I killed...
00:38:33.000 You know, I did the rest, but you're in...
00:38:35.000 I got a headache.
00:38:37.000 Dude, it was nuts.
00:38:38.000 I go back in the dressing room I clear it out.
00:38:41.000 I'm like, what the fuck?
00:38:44.000 I was fucked in my head.
00:38:47.000 And Louis comes in.
00:38:48.000 He's like, dude, we're good.
00:38:50.000 We're good.
00:38:51.000 I'm like, no, we're not, dude.
00:38:52.000 I don't know what the hell.
00:38:53.000 I don't know.
00:38:55.000 I'm like holding my head.
00:38:56.000 And all of a sudden, he gives me this Martin Luther King speech pep talk.
00:39:02.000 He's like, Martin Luther King once said, didn't work.
00:39:07.000 Then he goes to JFK. Fucking didn't work.
00:39:10.000 Then he holds up a video of Tom Brady giving a speech and is like, you know, when I was there, they didn't want me.
00:39:18.000 I wasn't fast enough.
00:39:20.000 And that worked.
00:39:21.000 Tom Brady fucking worked.
00:39:24.000 I was like, fucking let's do this.
00:39:26.000 Oh, that's amazing.
00:39:27.000 And we went on to the next show and killed it and got it.
00:39:31.000 Thank God.
00:39:32.000 And she lived.
00:39:34.000 That's nice.
00:39:35.000 I came up to him, is she okay?
00:39:36.000 He goes, I don't fucking know.
00:39:37.000 I don't give a shit.
00:39:38.000 We have another show today.
00:39:41.000 She said, all right.
00:39:43.000 I was like, I don't give a shit.
00:39:45.000 We got another show.
00:39:46.000 We got another show.
00:39:48.000 I got to get this.
00:39:49.000 He paid for everything.
00:39:51.000 You know what I mean?
00:39:52.000 It's all on his dime.
00:39:53.000 He's like, we got this fucking show, dude.
00:39:55.000 I got to get you right, motherfucker.
00:39:57.000 So we went out, did it.
00:39:58.000 We got it.
00:39:59.000 And I love Tampa.
00:40:01.000 They're wild people.
00:40:02.000 Dude, Florida saved me during the pandemic.
00:40:05.000 That's why I was gonna do it in Boston, but I'm like, when that happened, I lost 55 shows in one night.
00:40:11.000 I had a theater tour going with Creeps With Kids.
00:40:13.000 Ron Bennington, Voss, Florentine, and me were doing this great theater thing that was sold out.
00:40:19.000 And it all went away in one night.
00:40:20.000 Like, I got a call from my agent, Matt Frost.
00:40:23.000 He's like, dude, it's all gone.
00:40:24.000 I'm like, what?
00:40:25.000 He goes, all your shows.
00:40:27.000 And it's like, dude, I'm not a...
00:40:28.000 You know, I'm a club guy, too, you know?
00:40:30.000 So this was...
00:40:31.000 I finally had a theater tour that was successful.
00:40:33.000 I was kind of crawling my way, and I finally had that, like, all right, let's do this.
00:40:39.000 This is great.
00:40:40.000 And it was gone.
00:40:42.000 So Florida...
00:40:43.000 Save my ass.
00:40:45.000 Because Sidesplitters, Varsanis, McCurdy's, you know, all these clubs down there, I could go down and fill the place up and do shows.
00:40:54.000 So I was like, I gotta go down there and do this.
00:40:56.000 And Mike Calter, you know, promoted the fuck out of it, so...
00:40:59.000 It was one of the only places where you could do shows.
00:41:01.000 It was one of the only places you could do shows, but you could do shows without the masks.
00:41:05.000 Yes.
00:41:06.000 Because, to be honest, dude, I'd rather not perform...
00:41:10.000 Then I need your mouth.
00:41:12.000 Yeah.
00:41:13.000 I need your mouth.
00:41:14.000 Yeah.
00:41:15.000 Because other than that, the eyebrow movement is the same as a great joke or you're offended.
00:41:20.000 You know what I mean?
00:41:21.000 Yeah.
00:41:24.000 I don't know if you hate me or love me.
00:41:27.000 It's the same Muppet shit.
00:41:29.000 Laughter through a mask is just very strange.
00:41:31.000 It was the worst.
00:41:32.000 I only did one show with people with masks on in the crowd.
00:41:35.000 Well, I did a few outside with Chappelle where they were supposed to have masks on, but people didn't really have masks on.
00:41:40.000 Most people were like, fuck it.
00:41:42.000 Because it was in Texas.
00:41:42.000 Yeah.
00:41:43.000 That was like peak pandemic.
00:41:45.000 Right.
00:41:45.000 But I did a show in Houston.
00:41:49.000 We did the improv in Houston when you were still allowed to do shows indoors.
00:41:53.000 And people had masks on.
00:41:55.000 It was very strange.
00:41:56.000 The special, dude?
00:41:59.000 Nobody gave a fuck.
00:42:00.000 We jammed them in there like sardines.
00:42:02.000 Nobody gave a shit to them.
00:42:03.000 When was this?
00:42:04.000 When did you film it?
00:42:04.000 We filmed it, I think, in March.
00:42:07.000 Yeah, March.
00:42:09.000 We went down there one night, rocked it out, and then Louis put it on his website, man, which is nuts.
00:42:16.000 It's great.
00:42:17.000 Because he's creating his own.
00:42:18.000 It's like, okay, I love that we don't have to ask.
00:42:21.000 I don't have to get a yes anymore.
00:42:23.000 It's like, all right, you don't like me, whatever the fuck reason, Netflix, whoever, it's fine.
00:42:28.000 I'm cool.
00:42:28.000 I don't hate, you know what I mean?
00:42:31.000 It's like, fuck them.
00:42:32.000 I don't have time for that shit.
00:42:34.000 Right.
00:42:35.000 And I just, I didn't, I couldn't afford to do it the way I wanted to do it.
00:42:39.000 I didn't, I know I could do it another way, but I wanted it to be special.
00:42:43.000 I believe that, you know, I wanted it to be special and I wanted, this was in my head.
00:42:47.000 That Elvis comeback special was always like, that's the baddest Elvis ever.
00:42:53.000 Granted, I was Elvis at the end of his career.
00:42:55.000 Not really at that time when he was peak.
00:42:58.000 And Louis, that's why I love him, man.
00:43:01.000 He was like, I got it.
00:43:03.000 Okay.
00:43:04.000 Okay.
00:43:05.000 I was like, great.
00:43:06.000 And he did it.
00:43:07.000 And he directed it.
00:43:08.000 Because at one point he was like, we're going to maybe do this.
00:43:10.000 I go, dude, I don't care if you're fucking using an iPhone.
00:43:12.000 As long as your eye is looking through that camera...
00:43:17.000 That's what I want, because I know what you know.
00:43:20.000 You're one of the best.
00:43:21.000 I had one of the best stand-up comics walking today.
00:43:25.000 Ever.
00:43:26.000 Ever, but alive right now.
00:43:29.000 Yes.
00:43:31.000 Directing your special.
00:43:32.000 Paying for it.
00:43:33.000 Paying for it.
00:43:34.000 Directing it.
00:43:34.000 Producing it.
00:43:35.000 Producing it.
00:43:36.000 Yeah.
00:43:36.000 Amazing.
00:43:37.000 I can't tell you how amazing that was.
00:43:40.000 And the pressure's on, too, because if you suck...
00:43:44.000 You know, he kind of wasted his money and his time.
00:43:46.000 And he put it on his website, which is nuts.
00:43:49.000 I mean, that's crazy because people covet, you know, when you get it, it's hard not to covet it because you're so afraid of losing it.
00:43:57.000 But he's just like, he's creating his own Netflix on his website.
00:44:01.000 The movie's there, his TV show's there, his specials are all there.
00:44:05.000 You can go there and pick what you want.
00:44:07.000 My special's there.
00:44:09.000 It's crazy that it's on there.
00:44:11.000 It's brilliant.
00:44:11.000 What he's doing is brilliant.
00:44:13.000 And it's a perfect answer to the problems that he faced after getting canceled.
00:44:16.000 I brought him to my club.
00:44:18.000 I bought a club in Austin.
00:44:20.000 And I brought him there right when we were about to pour cement.
00:44:23.000 And he was like, make the stage shorter.
00:44:25.000 Drop the ceiling down even lower.
00:44:27.000 Like, do this, do that.
00:44:28.000 I'm like, whatever he says.
00:44:29.000 Just do whatever he says.
00:44:30.000 Right.
00:44:31.000 I didn't even, I just said, what else do you think?
00:44:32.000 He's like, so all the ideas that he had, we implemented all of them.
00:44:36.000 They were perfect ideas.
00:44:37.000 The stage is a little too big in the small room.
00:44:39.000 We have a small room that's like 120 people.
00:44:41.000 He's like, why is the stage so big?
00:44:43.000 It should be smaller.
00:44:43.000 I'm like, you're right.
00:44:44.000 It should be smaller.
00:44:45.000 How much smaller?
00:44:45.000 He's like, cut it down here.
00:44:47.000 I'm like, let's do it.
00:44:48.000 He has an eye for things.
00:44:50.000 He's like, he shouldn't be doing comedy.
00:44:53.000 He should be curing fucking cancer.
00:44:56.000 You know what I mean?
00:44:57.000 Like his brain, if he puts it in a direction, he just does it.
00:45:01.000 It's like crazy.
00:45:02.000 He's really intelligent.
00:45:04.000 When you mix intelligence with humor, it's so powerful.
00:45:10.000 You have the same thing, dude.
00:45:11.000 I mean, I remember when I was coming, I don't know if you know this, but when I was coming up in Boston, I got a lot of shit for my comedy because that's when evening at the improv and comedy, you know, half hour, all that stuff.
00:45:26.000 And I remember people telling me, you have to clean it up.
00:45:29.000 You need seven minutes of clean material.
00:45:31.000 You need seven minutes of clean material.
00:45:32.000 Dude, you're too dirty.
00:45:33.000 You talk about stuff.
00:45:35.000 And I'm like, dude, I just got out of rehab.
00:45:37.000 I was in jail at 13. My life is about bullshit and banging.
00:45:43.000 I can't fucking read a newspaper.
00:45:46.000 I barely can read.
00:45:48.000 What do you want to read?
00:45:49.000 You want to write topical shit?
00:45:50.000 I don't have that.
00:45:53.000 I remember I saw you on MTV's Comedy Half Hour and you were talking about how much pressure you apply To, you know, you don't want to hurt, you know, how much do you,
00:46:08.000 how much to push a girl's, I mean, is there a thing, you know what I mean?
00:46:13.000 Oh, it was when a girl's like, I go, she's like kissing your lips and kissing your neck, but she's spending way too much time in this particular area.
00:46:23.000 You're trying to encourage this downward trajectory of her affection.
00:46:28.000 So you're like arching your back and you're putting your hand on your head, but you don't know how hard you can push her head before she gets mad.
00:46:35.000 It was fucking genius to me because every guy is busy because you don't want to be a fucking asshole, but it's like, dude, this is doing nothing.
00:46:45.000 My nipples, I don't like it.
00:46:47.000 What are you doing?
00:46:48.000 And I was like, that's it.
00:46:49.000 I go, that's what I want to do.
00:46:51.000 That's the fucking comedy.
00:46:53.000 That exists.
00:46:54.000 But we were stuck in a time where there was a transitionary period between Like doing sets for The Tonight Show, which made careers.
00:47:02.000 Like back then, Stephen Wright got on The Tonight Show, Richard Jenney, these guys got on The Tonight Show and it made their careers.
00:47:09.000 Everybody knew them from The Tonight Show.
00:47:11.000 But there was guys like you and me that were stuck in this, we were wild kids.
00:47:15.000 And we were like, early 20s?
00:47:18.000 And we were like, that's not what I think about.
00:47:20.000 And I remember there was a guy that I work with at Nick's Comedy Stop, and he was telling me this, you gotta clean it up, you gotta stop saying fuck, you gotta do this.
00:47:27.000 I go, but I go, but my favorite comics are like Dice Clay.
00:47:30.000 And he goes, so you're not Dice Clay.
00:47:32.000 I go, well, Dice Clay wasn't Dice Clay until he became Dice Clay.
00:47:37.000 That's what I want to do.
00:47:38.000 I don't want to do what you're doing.
00:47:40.000 Like, get it in your fucking head.
00:47:41.000 That's not what I want to do.
00:47:42.000 And he's like, well, you're going to work shit rooms.
00:47:44.000 And I'm like, okay, well, that's what I have to do then.
00:47:47.000 This is the comedy I want to do.
00:47:48.000 I wanted to do comedy like Kinison and Hicks.
00:47:52.000 That's what I wanted to do.
00:47:53.000 I wanted to do wild shit.
00:47:54.000 That was the shit I liked.
00:47:55.000 It was like being in a rock and roll band and someone tells you you have to play classical music.
00:47:59.000 No, I want ACDC. That's what I like.
00:48:02.000 I like Highway to Hell.
00:48:03.000 Well, it is more profitable.
00:48:06.000 Back then it was.
00:48:08.000 And even now.
00:48:09.000 No, not now.
00:48:10.000 Well, I mean, I think there is certain things you could do.
00:48:13.000 I mean, The Tonight Show and all that stuff, I get it.
00:48:14.000 But, you know, if you're...
00:48:16.000 You could make a little more money if you could...
00:48:20.000 Instagram will, you know, fucking flag your shit.
00:48:22.000 And if you're telling clean stuff, it can go to everywhere.
00:48:25.000 Even on Sirius Radio.
00:48:26.000 If you do a clean album, you'll make way more money.
00:48:30.000 Yeah, but YouTube, if you have a set, like Schultz or someone like that, that, you know, his set got banned from...
00:48:37.000 A streaming website.
00:48:39.000 One of the streamers.
00:48:40.000 That was good.
00:48:40.000 Nice catch.
00:48:41.000 And they said, look, you gotta edit this.
00:48:43.000 And he's like, I'm not editing it, so I'm gonna release it on my own website, then I'll just put it on YouTube.
00:48:48.000 YouTube's got like fucking 7 million views now in like a month.
00:48:50.000 Schiltz is the best.
00:48:51.000 Genius.
00:48:52.000 Did you see the shit he put up about Kanye today?
00:48:54.000 I didn't see it yet.
00:48:55.000 Pull up his Instagram.
00:48:57.000 He's the best.
00:48:58.000 This guy, he's losing his mind.
00:48:59.000 He's helped me a lot with this too.
00:49:01.000 He actually, I did his podcast, but he came up.
00:49:03.000 He goes, give me, I want your clip person.
00:49:06.000 I want to put me on a text thread with them.
00:49:08.000 I want to tell them exactly what.
00:49:09.000 He's another guy who doesn't covet.
00:49:11.000 He's just like, dude, I'm going to tell you what to do.
00:49:13.000 Do what I say and shit's going to happen.
00:49:15.000 And he is 100% right.
00:49:17.000 He figured it out.
00:49:19.000 And he shares that information if you want it.
00:49:22.000 And he's helped me out so much.
00:49:24.000 He's a great guy.
00:49:25.000 He's a great guy, man.
00:49:27.000 He's a funny motherfucker.
00:49:29.000 And he's on the path.
00:49:29.000 He's fucking focused.
00:49:31.000 He's on the path.
00:49:32.000 I had to type his entire name in to get his name to pop up.
00:49:35.000 He's shadowbanned.
00:49:37.000 Hold up.
00:49:38.000 Put it up for the beginning.
00:49:40.000 He's like a classic Hollywood star from back in the day to his looks.
00:49:44.000 You gopher-faced Deutschback.
00:49:46.000 This week, Kanye went on a media blitzkrieg.
00:49:49.000 He threw so many stones at the Jews, he's now an honorary general in the West Bank, which is soon to be the only bank that will accept him.
00:49:55.000 J.P. Morgan actually canceled his account, so the only transaction Kanye is going to have is when Caitlyn drops off the kids.
00:50:02.000 So what exactly did Ye say?
00:50:04.000 Well, hungry, hungry Hitler went on drink champs with the most bloated cheeks I've ever seen on a human.
00:50:09.000 The guy looks like a ninja turtle just had a root canal and proceeded to spout off more hate than a West Virginia water fountain.
00:50:15.000 He claimed George Floyd was killed by fentanyl.
00:50:18.000 Wrong.
00:50:19.000 Kanye, we have video evidence of a throat getting crushed and don't worry, Kim's not in it.
00:50:24.000 We blame the Jews for trying to silence him.
00:50:26.000 Yay, the only Jew that's ever kept your mouth shut was the dentist that wired your jaw.
00:50:31.000 I hear some people saying Kanye did bring up some very strong points.
00:50:35.000 Yes.
00:50:36.000 These points.
00:50:37.000 That's it!
00:50:38.000 Kanye isn't the free thinker he claims to be.
00:50:41.000 He just regurgitates the talking points of the latest pseudo-intellectual leech around him.
00:50:46.000 The only original thoughts Kanye's ever had are Amber, Kim, and Julia.
00:50:50.000 So, is Kanye insane?
00:50:52.000 Selfishly, I hope he is.
00:50:54.000 I'd rather believe this is the behavior of a guy battling bipolar disorder than accept I've been supporting a black skinhead for decades.
00:51:01.000 So my message to you, Chipmunk Cheeks, is simple.
00:51:04.000 Get better.
00:51:04.000 Better friends, better therapists, better perspective on the world, and better meds.
00:51:10.000 And good luck!
00:51:11.000 Because you're gonna need it.
00:51:15.000 That thing that he did, the America series that he did on Netflix, like that, those fast-paced...
00:51:21.000 He developed a new kind of stand-up that you could do with no audience on Instagram, because he doesn't have to wait for the laughs, so he just hammers you, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.
00:51:31.000 Because when people were doing Zoom stand-up, it was terrible.
00:51:35.000 Because there's no laughter.
00:51:36.000 Because there's no audience.
00:51:37.000 I never did it.
00:51:37.000 So what he figured out how to do is get rapid fire punchlines so that when you're watching it on your phone, it's fucking genius.
00:51:45.000 Yeah.
00:51:45.000 So he starts it on his phone.
00:51:47.000 Remember, turn your phone sideways.
00:51:48.000 He does that.
00:51:48.000 That's great.
00:51:49.000 Amazing.
00:51:49.000 It annoyed me.
00:51:50.000 I texted him.
00:51:51.000 I go, dude, I fucking want to hit you with a shovel.
00:51:53.000 Because I literally was like, ugh, I got to turn it.
00:51:56.000 I got to watch it.
00:51:58.000 And then he takes that and does it to Netflix, and it was fucking genius.
00:52:03.000 It was a great move during the pandemic.
00:52:05.000 Yeah, it's guys like him who figured it out, and I love that.
00:52:08.000 That's why this thing with Louis, it's like, I can do this and get it out there, and people can go buy it, and we don't have to ask.
00:52:17.000 Yeah, you don't have to do anything.
00:52:19.000 That's the future, because these fucking people that were the gatekeepers, they don't know what they're doing.
00:52:25.000 They just don't.
00:52:27.000 They're executives.
00:52:28.000 They're not artists.
00:52:29.000 They're not comedians.
00:52:30.000 They're not funny.
00:52:31.000 So if they are funny, they've never done stand-up.
00:52:34.000 If they've done stand-up, they'd be doing stand-up.
00:52:35.000 That's not what they do.
00:52:36.000 So them telling you to do that is like me telling someone how to play football.
00:52:40.000 I don't play football.
00:52:41.000 I don't know what the fuck to tell you.
00:52:42.000 I can say what you should do, but I'm probably going to be wrong.
00:52:45.000 These guys, they just get in the way.
00:52:48.000 And so to have someone who does it like Louie or like Schultz or like someone like that, that's what we need.
00:52:54.000 That's the future.
00:52:55.000 Well, it's funny too because like Louie said to me, I was like, dude, I got this whole thing on weight.
00:52:59.000 He's like, I don't want that.
00:53:00.000 I want you to just kill.
00:53:02.000 Just, I want you to do a club set.
00:53:04.000 Like you're at a club and kill for an hour.
00:53:06.000 That's all I want out of you.
00:53:07.000 I go, I got that hour.
00:53:09.000 I got it.
00:53:10.000 It's like, so this is a, it's not like that theater where you do and the thing swoops in and you deliver the thing.
00:53:17.000 No, it looks great.
00:53:18.000 It looks perfect.
00:53:19.000 I loved it.
00:53:20.000 Yeah.
00:53:20.000 I love that this is a thing now, that people are just figuring that out.
00:53:25.000 You know, and Louis really is at the front of the line of that shit.
00:53:27.000 Louis and Schultz.
00:53:28.000 And Schultz, absolutely.
00:53:29.000 This is the future.
00:53:31.000 The future is not these fucking gatekeepers and executives.
00:53:34.000 All those people are, like, if you say some wild shit on a special, and then someone tries to bring it to a streaming service, And then the people start getting upset and protesting.
00:53:45.000 That's on them.
00:53:46.000 Who greenlit this?
00:53:47.000 Who said Bobby Kelly can say these things?
00:53:50.000 I get it from their perspective.
00:53:51.000 They've got mortgages and kids in private school.
00:53:54.000 I know what the fuck is going on, but that doesn't help us.
00:53:57.000 It doesn't help the people.
00:53:59.000 No!
00:53:59.000 Because you're not seeing stuff that you might think would be offensive, but you laugh at it, and that's our job.
00:54:04.000 Well, also, how many people are complaining versus how many people are enjoying it?
00:54:09.000 It's a lack of perspective because they're only paying attention to the people that are writing emails and making these fucking campaigns, and those people are losers for the most part.
00:54:20.000 The people that get upset at a comedian telling jokes to the point where they want to contact sponsors and contact banks, they don't have anything going on with their life, and their thing is to try to get some sort of a result out of their efforts, and their efforts are negative to cancel you.
00:54:36.000 If you don't like it, you don't have to listen.
00:54:38.000 If you don't like a Quentin Tarantino movie where Brad Pitt smashes a woman's face on a mantelpiece, don't watch it.
00:54:45.000 But that's the movie.
00:54:46.000 That's the art.
00:54:48.000 There's a lot of films that I don't like.
00:54:50.000 There's a lot of rap lyrics that I don't agree with.
00:54:53.000 But that's fine.
00:54:54.000 You don't have to listen.
00:54:55.000 You don't have to watch it.
00:54:57.000 But today's kids, these activist-minded kids, think that they have some sort of a civil, civic duty to try to remove you from the entertainment ecosphere.
00:55:10.000 Right.
00:55:10.000 And this is what they have to deal with if they're at Netflix or if they're at any of these places.
00:55:14.000 Well, they made comedy punk rock again.
00:55:16.000 Yes.
00:55:17.000 They made us punk, and it's like, you did the wrong thing.
00:55:20.000 Yeah.
00:55:21.000 You did the wrong thing, because now we're just going to go do it ourselves.
00:55:23.000 I remember we were trying to come up a name for the special, and I said, he's like, what do you got?
00:55:30.000 I was like, can we call it Remember AIDS? Because that's one of my jokes.
00:55:37.000 And he goes, yeah.
00:55:39.000 Yeah, if you want to call it that.
00:55:40.000 I go, you sure?
00:55:41.000 He goes, dude, yeah.
00:55:41.000 Fucking call it whatever you want.
00:55:43.000 That's beautiful.
00:55:44.000 You can call it fucking Dead Crack Babies.
00:55:45.000 I love his last special's name, Sari.
00:55:48.000 It was the greatest with it behind him.
00:55:50.000 The giant Sari behind him.
00:55:52.000 It was unbelievable.
00:55:53.000 It's amazing.
00:55:54.000 And I was like, dude, where is the Sari?
00:55:56.000 I want that.
00:55:57.000 He threw it out.
00:55:58.000 I was like, I would have put that.
00:55:59.000 He threw it out?
00:56:00.000 The giant Sari?
00:56:01.000 I was like, I would have put that on my land in New Hampshire.
00:56:04.000 I would have put it in the woods.
00:56:06.000 Just in the back, like hikers walking.
00:56:08.000 Get all rusty, covered with leaves and shit.
00:56:09.000 Could you imagine being a hiker, just walking through the woods?
00:56:12.000 I'm sorry for the Louis C.J. special.
00:56:14.000 That'd be fucking epic.
00:56:15.000 Holy shit.
00:56:15.000 Yeah.
00:56:16.000 Yeah, he's great.
00:56:17.000 The whole thing is, this whole thing that they pushed us into this corner, and now we're just doing, we're just helping each other.
00:56:25.000 Yeah.
00:56:25.000 Which is amazing to me.
00:56:26.000 It's like, alright, we don't need you anymore.
00:56:28.000 Well, it happened at the perfect time, because all these things sort of combined together.
00:56:31.000 And one of the things that happened was the internet.
00:56:34.000 And through the internet, we no longer are competing against each other.
00:56:38.000 So we're all now assets to each other.
00:56:41.000 Right.
00:56:41.000 Because, like, we do each other's podcasts.
00:56:44.000 We support each other's stand-up.
00:56:45.000 Like, if someone's got some cool shit, I put it up on my Instagram.
00:56:48.000 All that stuff just helps everybody.
00:56:51.000 Right.
00:56:52.000 And instead of, like, when I was coming up in the 90s, when you would get on a sitcom, I remember there was all this resentment from other people that I knew that had agents that sent them out for the same roles.
00:57:05.000 So we're all kind of the same age, and there's a guy who's a fucking character on a sitcom.
00:57:12.000 You're going up for it.
00:57:13.000 He's going up for it.
00:57:14.000 And if he gets it, you're like, fuck, that could have been me.
00:57:18.000 And you see him on the CBS promo smiling.
00:57:21.000 You're like, ah, that could have been me.
00:57:23.000 I remember when Kevin James got his sitcom and when he was, they were like playing these ads for the sitcom and I remember some comedians like, that's like fucking fuck that show and it's not.
00:57:35.000 I go, you're saying that because you wish it was you.
00:57:37.000 Like what are you talking about?
00:57:39.000 You don't think it's funny?
00:57:40.000 It's funny.
00:57:40.000 Watch it.
00:57:41.000 It's a funny show.
00:57:42.000 You're only upset because you feel like because someone else is successful, somehow or another it took something away from you.
00:57:48.000 But it doesn't change the fact that it's successful.
00:57:51.000 You're only damaging your own mind by thinking that way.
00:57:55.000 Well, success, they kind of mindfuck you with the success thing because you have the potential To have dreams come true, things you felt as a little kid, or places you wanted to go, or things you wanted to get,
00:58:10.000 or the life you wanted, is this potential that that could happen in this business, right?
00:58:16.000 Yeah.
00:58:17.000 If I was a painter, I mean, you're gonna paint, but in this business, you could become that thing that you dreamed about as a kid.
00:58:25.000 And there's a time when you have to realize, at least for me, Where I looked around one day and I'm trying to become this thing.
00:58:35.000 And I'm like, I'm successful right now.
00:58:38.000 I have a house.
00:58:40.000 I got a wife.
00:58:41.000 I got a son.
00:58:43.000 I have two cars.
00:58:45.000 One's a truck and one's a Honda CRV. But I have it.
00:58:49.000 I have all this stuff.
00:58:51.000 From talking shit.
00:58:52.000 From talking shit.
00:58:54.000 I did it.
00:58:55.000 I'm out.
00:58:57.000 Whatever else I have is gravy.
00:59:01.000 I have friends and Real friends.
00:59:05.000 And I'm like, I did it.
00:59:07.000 That's making it.
00:59:08.000 That's making it.
00:59:09.000 Yes.
00:59:09.000 And I can go on any stage and fucking make people laugh.
00:59:12.000 And you know what the opposite of that is?
00:59:14.000 There's people that are very successful.
00:59:16.000 They're very famous.
00:59:18.000 They have shows.
00:59:19.000 They have this.
00:59:20.000 They have that.
00:59:20.000 And no one likes them.
00:59:22.000 Yeah.
00:59:22.000 They're the opposite.
00:59:23.000 That's not making it.
00:59:24.000 It's not making it.
00:59:25.000 You think you're making it because on paper you're successful.
00:59:28.000 So you're always trying to compare your success to other people's success and you're always trying to stay ahead of them because it's the only thing you have.
00:59:35.000 That's it.
00:59:35.000 Because you don't have the friends and you don't have the family and you don't have love from your peers in just fun times, hanging out, talking shit.
00:59:43.000 You don't have gratitude.
00:59:44.000 Right.
00:59:45.000 You don't have gratitude.
00:59:46.000 Every day I wake up in the morning and I don't touch my phone.
00:59:49.000 First thing, I was touching my phone.
00:59:52.000 I don't touch it.
00:59:53.000 I sit on my bed and I think about what I'm grateful for.
00:59:57.000 It's usually my kid, my wife, my friends, my family.
01:00:01.000 And all of a sudden, I smile.
01:00:03.000 Every day, I start to smile.
01:00:05.000 That's awesome.
01:00:06.000 And then I go about my day.
01:00:08.000 Because if I wake up...
01:00:10.000 And I just go and I grab the wheel and I just start...
01:00:14.000 I fucking smash into shit.
01:00:16.000 Right.
01:00:16.000 You're on momentum then.
01:00:18.000 If I wake up and just take that five or ten minutes to just think about all the great shit that I'm grateful for, and it's not...
01:00:27.000 Any fame, it's not any...
01:00:29.000 It never goes there.
01:00:30.000 It always starts with my son.
01:00:32.000 And then it goes to my wife.
01:00:34.000 And things around, like us, things we're gonna do.
01:00:38.000 And I'm like, ugh.
01:00:39.000 And I just start to smile.
01:00:40.000 And then I'm good.
01:00:41.000 I'm good.
01:00:42.000 If I don't do that...
01:00:43.000 I'm yelling at somebody or I'm fucking angry and the anxiety sets in, the fear sets in.
01:00:48.000 Because anxiety and fear turn into anger for me.
01:00:52.000 And then all of a sudden I'm like, this fucking guy and this...
01:00:54.000 And then I'm like...
01:00:55.000 But I'm at the point now where I can be like...
01:00:57.000 Chill.
01:00:58.000 Go sit down.
01:01:00.000 Think about what you got.
01:01:01.000 It's great.
01:01:02.000 It's fantastic.
01:01:04.000 You know?
01:01:05.000 Yeah.
01:01:05.000 And now...
01:01:08.000 That's why I bought the tiny house.
01:01:10.000 In the middle of the pandemic, I'm not rich, dude.
01:01:13.000 I don't have a lot of money.
01:01:15.000 I mean, after this appearance, my special will sell millions of things and I'll be rich and we'll get cars together and I'll move to fucking Austin and I'll fucking play your club.
01:01:23.000 Get yourself a Chevelle.
01:01:24.000 I'd love a Chevelle.
01:01:25.000 Fucking favorite car.
01:01:27.000 Such a badass car.
01:01:29.000 But, you know, in the middle of it, I'm sitting there.
01:01:32.000 I told my wife, I'm like, okay, everything was taken away.
01:01:35.000 All the fame, all the shows, money.
01:01:38.000 I'm figuring out how to make money.
01:01:40.000 I got us.
01:01:41.000 Don't worry about it.
01:01:41.000 But we got each other.
01:01:44.000 I go, I'm waiting to buy land in the country and I'm waiting to get the lake house.
01:01:50.000 I'm waiting to become famous, to become a millionaire, to be happy.
01:01:55.000 No.
01:01:57.000 Let's just do it now.
01:01:58.000 Just be happy.
01:01:59.000 Let's go be happy right now.
01:02:01.000 I went and bought a tiny house from the tiny homes of Maine, this awesome couple in the fucking woods of Maine.
01:02:08.000 They build these amazing houses.
01:02:10.000 Is it like a prefab where they put together, do you get to design it online?
01:02:13.000 You design it.
01:02:14.000 We drove up there.
01:02:16.000 I met them.
01:02:16.000 They live on a 60- Do they have a website?
01:02:18.000 Yeah, tiny homes of Maine.
01:02:19.000 Go to tiny homes of Maine.
01:02:20.000 They have 68 acres.
01:02:22.000 They live on an old Christmas tree farm.
01:02:24.000 Oh, wow.
01:02:25.000 Dude, me and my wife and my son and my dog drove up there.
01:02:28.000 It was like eight hours.
01:02:29.000 We had to stop in Bangor for the night.
01:02:31.000 And we went up there.
01:02:32.000 They led us into their home.
01:02:34.000 They're past Bangor?
01:02:35.000 Yeah.
01:02:35.000 It's near Canada.
01:02:36.000 Oh, Jesus.
01:02:37.000 And we hung out with this couple.
01:02:39.000 They're the coolest couple ever.
01:02:41.000 There it is.
01:02:42.000 Tiny Homes of Maine.
01:02:44.000 Click on that one.
01:02:45.000 That's my house right there.
01:02:46.000 Which one?
01:02:46.000 The one to the right.
01:02:47.000 That's the one.
01:02:48.000 That's what I have.
01:02:50.000 Right there.
01:02:51.000 Oh, wow.
01:02:52.000 That's fucking cool.
01:02:53.000 Where the bed is is our living room.
01:02:55.000 That's Max is my son's loft.
01:02:59.000 That's where the kitchen table is, where the couch is.
01:03:02.000 And then you could take those stairs up to my sleeping loft.
01:03:05.000 And so the kitchen table folds out?
01:03:08.000 Well, it can, but we leave it out.
01:03:10.000 And then, yeah.
01:03:13.000 That's fucking great.
01:03:14.000 We have a full kitchen, full bathroom, shower.
01:03:16.000 Sounds like a giant camper.
01:03:18.000 Well, yeah, that's funny.
01:03:20.000 It is.
01:03:21.000 It is.
01:03:22.000 But you customize the whole thing.
01:03:24.000 Oh, that's fucking cool.
01:03:25.000 And we went up there.
01:03:26.000 We met with these people.
01:03:27.000 We hung out with them.
01:03:28.000 And we bought the house off them.
01:03:31.000 And it's not that expensive.
01:03:33.000 That's great.
01:03:34.000 And they take it out on wheels.
01:03:35.000 Well, we didn't.
01:03:36.000 Oh, you had it built out there?
01:03:38.000 No, they drove it down.
01:03:39.000 They drove it down from Maine.
01:03:41.000 Oh, so they drive it down in a giant truck and then they piece it together?
01:03:44.000 We had to buy the land first.
01:03:45.000 We went from their house to New Hampshire and I bought two and a half acres in the White Mountains of New Hampshire.
01:03:52.000 Wow.
01:03:52.000 But behind my land is 500 acres of forest.
01:03:55.000 Wow.
01:03:57.000 So we had my contract.
01:03:59.000 The guy bought the land off of Barry.
01:04:01.000 Such a great guy.
01:04:02.000 And he did all the land.
01:04:04.000 So we had a septic put in.
01:04:06.000 We dug a well.
01:04:07.000 That thing's hooked up.
01:04:10.000 Do you have solar power or anything up there?
01:04:12.000 Not yet.
01:04:12.000 We have power.
01:04:13.000 I have Wi-Fi.
01:04:15.000 I don't have cable.
01:04:16.000 There's no cable.
01:04:17.000 We have Wi-Fi because I do my podcasting up there.
01:04:19.000 So in the summer, June and July, we go up to New Hampshire.
01:04:23.000 And my kid goes to camp in New Hampshire.
01:04:26.000 And I go out of there.
01:04:28.000 So if I do get a gig, it's got to be a big gig, I'll leave there.
01:04:33.000 So this whole summer, two months, I was up in New Hampshire in the tiny house.
01:04:37.000 It was the best summer of our lives.
01:04:39.000 My kid was going to camp, but you go to camp in Westchester, you're at a college pool playing in dirt, kickball in a schoolyard.
01:04:49.000 You go up there, dude, he did a sleepover on an island.
01:04:52.000 He's canoeing.
01:04:53.000 He's hiking 4,000-foot mountains.
01:04:57.000 I gave him a pellet gun.
01:04:58.000 He's shooting a pellet gun.
01:04:59.000 I gave him a bow and arrow.
01:05:01.000 We're going to get our hunting license next year, me and him.
01:05:04.000 Really?
01:05:04.000 Yeah, dude.
01:05:05.000 It's like I... I love...
01:05:08.000 He walked out in the woods one day.
01:05:09.000 He woke up.
01:05:10.000 He had all camo.
01:05:11.000 And he was out in the woods with his bow and arrow just walking around.
01:05:14.000 And I was like, fucking thank you.
01:05:16.000 Thank you.
01:05:17.000 That's great.
01:05:18.000 And you don't need anything, dude.
01:05:21.000 You don't need anything.
01:05:22.000 One thing I learned when I went to L.A. Remember about pilot season?
01:05:24.000 Oh, yeah.
01:05:26.000 So anxiety-filled.
01:05:28.000 Everyone's freaking out.
01:05:29.000 It was three months.
01:05:30.000 You'd have to go to LA for pilot season because that's where they did all the casting.
01:05:34.000 Yeah, I remember that.
01:05:35.000 I first went in 93. It's terrifying.
01:05:38.000 It was so weird.
01:05:39.000 I remember I went out there.
01:05:40.000 I rented an apartment in West Hollywood, and there was one fork, one spoon, one knife, one plate, one bowl, one cup.
01:05:49.000 Was it one of those apartments like, what are they called?
01:05:53.000 Oakwoods?
01:05:54.000 Remember those?
01:05:55.000 You know they had those prefab places?
01:05:58.000 Yeah.
01:05:58.000 That's where I stayed when I first moved there.
01:06:00.000 Norton stayed there too and he had cockroaches.
01:06:02.000 Oh yeah, everything.
01:06:03.000 Coyotes.
01:06:04.000 This was a dude's apartment.
01:06:05.000 Oh.
01:06:06.000 Above a garage.
01:06:07.000 It's like an Airbnb.
01:06:08.000 Oh, okay.
01:06:09.000 And I realized that's all you need.
01:06:12.000 I need one fork.
01:06:13.000 Yeah.
01:06:14.000 I need one spoon.
01:06:15.000 I don't need...
01:06:16.000 Yeah, just wash it.
01:06:17.000 75. So when we got this, I was like, baby, we don't need it.
01:06:22.000 We don't need all the space.
01:06:24.000 We don't need all the shit.
01:06:26.000 I mean, you have to love your family.
01:06:28.000 If you get a tiny home, you can't love your son and like your wife because you're a murderer.
01:06:34.000 If you kind of like your wife, get a house.
01:06:37.000 Get a place he can hide.
01:06:40.000 Never even think about it.
01:06:43.000 I remember when I first moved to LA, it was in 94, and I got an apartment in North Hollywood, and it was a nice apartment with a loft, and I had a pool table in my apartment.
01:06:53.000 And I would come home to my apartment, and I'm like, this is crazy.
01:06:56.000 I can't believe I live here.
01:06:58.000 This is amazing.
01:06:59.000 And then after a while, I got used to it.
01:07:01.000 And then I remember sitting down on the floor of my apartment one day going, oh, okay.
01:07:06.000 It's just home.
01:07:07.000 You get used to everything.
01:07:09.000 And even if you're like, now I live in a really nice house, but it's just a house.
01:07:14.000 You get used to it.
01:07:17.000 It's just home.
01:07:19.000 Most things like that, like big, giant, crazy things, they're very overrated.
01:07:24.000 They're not worth the effort that it takes to acquire them, and you don't get the level of satisfaction out of having them that you think you would.
01:07:31.000 There's some things you're gonna enjoy in life like some things that I still enjoy I still enjoy cars like I still enjoy hot rods and I still enjoy I like I get a wild thrill out of driving them.
01:07:42.000 It just feels good.
01:07:43.000 It's like taking a drug It's fun, but most of those things that people try to acquire they just look good to other people because they're unattainable Because you see that big house on the hill, like, wow, who lives there?
01:07:57.000 The guy who lives there, that's just his fucking house.
01:07:59.000 That's it.
01:07:59.000 Once he gets in there and he's watching TV, it's just a fucking house.
01:08:02.000 Yeah.
01:08:02.000 You know, he's eating dinner.
01:08:03.000 It's just a house.
01:08:04.000 Yeah.
01:08:04.000 If you don't have good quality of life inside of that, like a wife that you love, children that are happy, if you don't have that, then you have nothing.
01:08:13.000 You have nonsense.
01:08:14.000 I would wake up every day while we were up in the tiny house, and I'd walk with the dog.
01:08:20.000 I'd just walk up the country roads every day.
01:08:23.000 I would walk up the streets with the dog and take a three-mile walk and come back.
01:08:30.000 And then I'd meditate for like 20 minutes out in front in the woods.
01:08:34.000 And then my kid would come out and sit with me.
01:08:37.000 It's like...
01:08:39.000 That's the shit you do.
01:08:40.000 Yeah.
01:08:40.000 Like five o'clock, I remember five o'clock would come around and we'd just jump in the truck and go fishing down the street.
01:08:46.000 Oh, that's awesome.
01:08:46.000 Until the sun went down.
01:08:48.000 And then we'd come back and we'd grill.
01:08:50.000 And then we'd start a fire.
01:08:51.000 We'd sit by the fire and have the shit scared out of us every five seconds.
01:08:56.000 Because you'd think...
01:08:57.000 You'd think.
01:08:58.000 Well, the thing is, when you're in, like at my house in Westchester, if you hear something in the woods...
01:09:05.000 It's probably, you know, a Jewish guy.
01:09:07.000 There's a Jewish temple behind my house.
01:09:09.000 You know what I mean?
01:09:09.000 It's a neighbor or something.
01:09:11.000 It's maybe a squirrel.
01:09:12.000 When you're up there, if you hear something, it's something.
01:09:15.000 Like, it's not nothing.
01:09:16.000 Like, you have to...
01:09:17.000 Yeah.
01:09:18.000 You kind of gotta be ready, because it could be something.
01:09:22.000 It could be a bear.
01:09:23.000 It could be a deer.
01:09:24.000 It could be a bear.
01:09:25.000 It could be fucking anything.
01:09:26.000 So it is...
01:09:27.000 Like no matter how much I want to man up and be like, it's good.
01:09:30.000 We're good.
01:09:32.000 You know, I have that flashlight and you're like this every five seconds looking for eyes.
01:09:36.000 But there's something about that.
01:09:38.000 There's something about that fear of...
01:09:41.000 It's exciting.
01:09:41.000 Dude, there's something about the world.
01:09:43.000 I'm in the woods, man.
01:09:44.000 I am petrified in the woods.
01:09:48.000 I'm petrified.
01:09:49.000 I'm petrified like when me and Ari went out to the woods and we went camping.
01:09:52.000 I did it with Paul Verzi one.
01:09:54.000 That was the funniest thing ever, though.
01:09:55.000 I took Paul Verzi up in the woods.
01:09:59.000 How did he handle it?
01:10:01.000 Verzi's the best, dude.
01:10:03.000 Dude, he shows up with fucking camo Nikes.
01:10:06.000 He's like, these are good, right?
01:10:07.000 I'm like...
01:10:10.000 Dude, just because they're camo.
01:10:14.000 No, you're going to lose them.
01:10:16.000 These are hiking Nikes.
01:10:18.000 I'm like, no, no, no.
01:10:19.000 And then I go, dude, okay.
01:10:21.000 So I prepared his backpack and my backpack for a night up in the woods.
01:10:25.000 I go, okay, I'm explaining everything.
01:10:28.000 I go, okay, here's your poop bag.
01:10:29.000 He goes, what?
01:10:30.000 What?
01:10:31.000 I go, you poop bag.
01:10:32.000 You gotta trowel.
01:10:33.000 He goes, what do you mean?
01:10:35.000 I go, when you have to poop, you can't just shit in the woods, dude.
01:10:39.000 You can't.
01:10:40.000 You gotta dig a hole, shit in the hole.
01:10:42.000 I explained him the whole thing.
01:10:43.000 He's like, alright, dude.
01:10:45.000 Okay.
01:10:46.000 So we're driving up there and he's just off in the distance.
01:10:48.000 And he's like, I'm like, what's up?
01:10:49.000 He's like, listen, here's the deal.
01:10:52.000 I got it.
01:10:52.000 I gotta figure it out.
01:10:53.000 Because I can't shit in the woods.
01:10:55.000 We're gonna go to Dunkin' Donuts right now.
01:10:56.000 We're gonna get two...
01:10:58.000 Sausage egg sandwiches each.
01:11:00.000 We're gonna get a large coffee each, iced coffee.
01:11:03.000 We're gonna truck it down, suck it all down.
01:11:05.000 That's gonna push all the shit out of us.
01:11:07.000 We're gonna shit at Dunkin' Donuts and then we'll be good for the night.
01:11:10.000 We'll come home tomorrow and be good.
01:11:11.000 I was like, all right, dude.
01:11:13.000 So I go to Dunkin' Donuts, we get the sandwiches, we eat it, drink it, and we both shit.
01:11:20.000 In Dunkin' Donuts.
01:11:21.000 Dude, it worked.
01:11:22.000 It fucking worked.
01:11:23.000 It has a plan.
01:11:24.000 We shit at Dunkin' Donuts.
01:11:25.000 We didn't have to shit all night.
01:11:27.000 Then halfway up the mountain, I go, you got your blanket?
01:11:33.000 Where's your blanket?
01:11:33.000 Because I didn't see it on his bed.
01:11:34.000 He goes, I left it at the truck.
01:11:36.000 And I was like, fuck.
01:11:38.000 He's like, am I fucked?
01:11:40.000 I go, dude, it's like an hour back.
01:11:42.000 I go, you're fine.
01:11:43.000 But I knew, people don't understand, camping is not comfortable.
01:11:49.000 It's not.
01:11:51.000 All the gear you can get, you're not going to be comfortable.
01:11:53.000 Unless you're car camping at a KOA or something.
01:11:56.000 You get cots and whatever.
01:11:59.000 I was like, you'll be fine.
01:12:01.000 And I knew it was going to drop to like 60-something.
01:12:05.000 So we got all the way up there.
01:12:08.000 I got my Japanese saw and he's cutting the wood and we're getting all the stuff.
01:12:12.000 And we found a little site and we're cooking sausages on steaks.
01:12:16.000 He made a vampire spear for some reason.
01:12:20.000 I don't know.
01:12:21.000 He's like, dude, just in case.
01:12:22.000 A vampire spear?
01:12:24.000 It's a spear.
01:12:24.000 Like a stake through the heart type deal?
01:12:26.000 Like he sharpened it and everything?
01:12:29.000 Dude, he made a vampire.
01:12:30.000 He was serious?
01:12:31.000 That was the only weapon he brought?
01:12:33.000 That's it.
01:12:34.000 He's like, dude, in case somebody comes, I'll fucking, like a vampire, I'll stick him to the heart.
01:12:38.000 Oh, boy.
01:12:39.000 Was he serious or was he fucking wrong?
01:12:40.000 100% serious.
01:12:42.000 Vampires, dude.
01:12:43.000 You know what I mean?
01:12:44.000 100%.
01:12:44.000 Dude, you stick them right to the hut, you know?
01:12:46.000 Good.
01:12:48.000 But you didn't understand when the sun and everything's up, it's great.
01:12:52.000 It's awesome.
01:12:53.000 It's the woods.
01:12:53.000 It's beautiful.
01:12:54.000 But when the sun goes away and it's dark, something happens.
01:13:00.000 And I am.
01:13:03.000 I'm still frightened.
01:13:04.000 You get scared, dude.
01:13:05.000 Yeah, it's scary.
01:13:06.000 You don't know what's going on.
01:13:07.000 It's natural instincts.
01:13:08.000 It's a weird feeling when that sun goes away and you have that little flashlight and you have the light of the fire and there's nobody around for a long time.
01:13:19.000 And if you do hear somebody, it's weird.
01:13:23.000 It's a weird thing.
01:13:25.000 We got up there and we hung out and you'd hear coyotes in the distance and you'd hear stuff in the bushes and stuff walking towards you.
01:13:35.000 It was great just to see him panic, you know?
01:13:38.000 And I had to kind of keep my shit together.
01:13:40.000 Then we went to bed, and he had no blanket, and it dropped to like 65, which is fucking awful.
01:13:48.000 Did he have clothes that he could double up and triple up?
01:13:51.000 I woke up the next morning, He had my little solo tent, my little ultralight tent, and I was in my hammock.
01:13:59.000 I had a really nice hammock.
01:14:00.000 Our mechanic is awesome hammocks.
01:14:02.000 And I woke up and he comes out of the tent.
01:14:05.000 He had all his clothes on.
01:14:07.000 So he had shorts on his head.
01:14:09.000 He had shorts and stuff.
01:14:11.000 He had socks on his hands.
01:14:14.000 He just took all his stuff and put it on because it was so fucking cold.
01:14:20.000 And we both snore, so I would wake him up and then he would wake me up.
01:14:24.000 Oh no.
01:14:25.000 All night, dude.
01:14:25.000 It was fucking, it was epic.
01:14:27.000 Going with him was one of my funnest times ever because he was so like, what the fuck?
01:14:31.000 He woke up the next day and I did shit all over.
01:14:33.000 Dude, it was freezing out last night.
01:14:35.000 He goes, I almost, he was going to jump on the hammock with me.
01:14:37.000 He was like, dude, I'm just going.
01:14:38.000 Oh boy.
01:14:38.000 Yeah.
01:14:39.000 I want to do a solo trip by myself, but my wife won't let me do it.
01:14:42.000 That's sketchy.
01:14:43.000 Why?
01:14:44.000 If you get injured.
01:14:45.000 Yeah, I guess.
01:14:47.000 Break an ankle?
01:14:47.000 You're fucked.
01:14:48.000 I'm fucked.
01:14:49.000 Crawl for miles.
01:14:50.000 You know, you got the new iPhone SOS. Yeah.
01:14:54.000 You know, where you can call somebody, but I just think that I'm so afraid of it, Joe.
01:14:59.000 I'm so afraid of going out in the woods by myself that I just want to do it.
01:15:05.000 Hmm.
01:15:05.000 I just want to...
01:15:06.000 I have a lot of friends who do solo hunting trips.
01:15:09.000 Can I say that a lot?
01:15:10.000 Yeah.
01:15:11.000 They go with a large pack on their back and they go out deep, deep, deep into the woods and they'll spend a week out there hunting by themselves.
01:15:24.000 And if they get an animal, they pack it out on their back.
01:15:27.000 They're bow hunting too.
01:15:28.000 There's something about that where it's like, I wish I could go back 10 years and learn how to do that.
01:15:34.000 You learn now.
01:15:35.000 You're alive now.
01:15:37.000 You don't have to go back.
01:15:38.000 I hate when people say that.
01:15:39.000 I wish I did it when I was younger.
01:15:41.000 Yeah, but you didn't.
01:15:42.000 So you're alive right now, and when you're 80, you'll go, oh, I wish I did it when I was 50. No, you're absolutely right.
01:15:48.000 I mean...
01:15:50.000 I am going to take a hunting course next year when we get up there, me and my son, because he wants to hunt.
01:15:55.000 Do they have courses up there?
01:15:56.000 Yeah, you can take a course.
01:15:58.000 I think it's a three-day course.
01:15:59.000 Oh, that's great.
01:16:00.000 You can jump in.
01:16:01.000 So we're going to take that.
01:16:02.000 It's just, like, who's the guy that I saw you and Callan go out with?
01:16:07.000 Steve Rinella.
01:16:08.000 Yeah.
01:16:08.000 I love his show.
01:16:09.000 Oh, he's great.
01:16:10.000 I love him.
01:16:11.000 I love it.
01:16:11.000 And I see him just go out there, you know, by himself with a backpack and just sleep on the ground.
01:16:20.000 Yeah.
01:16:21.000 Like, no tent.
01:16:22.000 Just fucking curl up on the ground.
01:16:24.000 Mm-hmm.
01:16:24.000 It's like, you know, like, the fact that we did that not too long ago.
01:16:29.000 You know, when you think about it, what, 150 years ago, people were doing that, like nothing.
01:16:36.000 It was normal.
01:16:36.000 It was normal.
01:16:37.000 It's normal for Steve.
01:16:38.000 Steve Rinell, when we went mule deer hunting a couple years back in Nevada, and he fucking slept on the ground.
01:16:45.000 He just lays out a sleeping bag on the ground because it was summer because it was pretty warm out where we went.
01:16:52.000 And, you know, just fucking climbed to the sleeping bag, fucking goes to sleep on the ground.
01:16:57.000 It's right there.
01:16:58.000 No tent, no nothing.
01:16:59.000 It's fucking crazy.
01:17:00.000 I love it.
01:17:01.000 I'm a big fan of westerns.
01:17:02.000 Yeah.
01:17:03.000 And they would just, you know, pull over, light a fire, have some coffee.
01:17:06.000 Just lie down.
01:17:07.000 And just lie down.
01:17:08.000 Yeah.
01:17:09.000 The pillow was their saddle.
01:17:11.000 And the thing is, when that fire goes out and you look up at the stars, like, oh, it's so peaceful.
01:17:17.000 It puts it all into perspective.
01:17:18.000 I love going to the woods.
01:17:20.000 When I go hunting every year, whenever I come back, I tell my wife, like, I need to do this more often.
01:17:25.000 And it's not even just about killing an animal and eating it.
01:17:28.000 It's really about the reset.
01:17:30.000 Like going out there and being alone and being away from civilization completely and seeing wild animals and hearing them and stalking them and going up the mountains.
01:17:42.000 It's just everything about it requires all of your focus.
01:17:47.000 And it also...
01:17:49.000 It's like a good reset for my mind.
01:17:52.000 It makes me miss my family.
01:17:53.000 It makes me miss my friends.
01:17:55.000 It makes me very appreciative of things.
01:17:57.000 It just puts it all into perspective.
01:18:00.000 There's no cell phone service up there, so you're not checking your social media.
01:18:03.000 You're not doing shit.
01:18:04.000 All you're doing is just up there being one with nature.
01:18:10.000 Being a part of nature.
01:18:12.000 Yeah, it's...
01:18:15.000 And to know, you have to know about the things you're in.
01:18:18.000 You have to know about nature.
01:18:19.000 You have to know about trees.
01:18:20.000 You have to know about plants.
01:18:22.000 You have to know about the animals.
01:18:23.000 And it's a long learning curve.
01:18:25.000 You know, when I first went hunting with Ronella was 2012, so it was 10 years ago, that video with me and Callan.
01:18:32.000 And I didn't know jack shit.
01:18:34.000 I mean, I'd been fishing a few times, but what had happened was I'd seen a bunch of PETA videos and I was like, okay, I'm either going to become a vegetarian or I'm going to become a hunter.
01:18:45.000 Because I don't want to be a part of this factory farming thing.
01:18:48.000 It's just horrific.
01:18:49.000 And so we went and I shot that deer right there, that skull that's on the table.
01:18:55.000 That's the reason why it's there.
01:18:57.000 That was the first animal that I killed and ate.
01:18:59.000 I ate it all in like three months.
01:19:01.000 And I was like, I can't wait to go back.
01:19:03.000 That's what I want to do now.
01:19:04.000 I just want to eat wild animals.
01:19:06.000 And just go out there and get my own food and just the reset alone and Callan and I had the best time because he got two comics and a bunch of these like hard-nosed fucking you know like hard camping hunters And Callan's taking a shit and we put like a silver flag in it.
01:19:26.000 We put a flag in his shit.
01:19:27.000 I took a picture of him and he's like sitting there squatting.
01:19:30.000 We had a fucking blast.
01:19:31.000 We were just crying, laughing.
01:19:34.000 Yeah.
01:19:35.000 Because Callan, if like he has a captive audience, he's one of the funniest motherfuckers alive.
01:19:40.000 He really is.
01:19:40.000 And he had this character that he did called the Ravine Comer.
01:19:46.000 So he would go to a ravine and pretend like he's coming in the ravine.
01:19:52.000 And like, I'm not doing it justice.
01:19:55.000 We were fucking tears.
01:19:57.000 We were butchering a deer while Callum's pretending to jack off into a ravine.
01:20:03.000 He's pulling his pants down so we're only seeing his butt.
01:20:06.000 And he's like pretending to jack off into this ravine.
01:20:09.000 He created this character.
01:20:10.000 Oh my god, it was so fun.
01:20:12.000 Even in that show, he was fucking killing it.
01:20:14.000 Oh my god, and so much of it we left out.
01:20:16.000 We have to leave out the Ravine Comer.
01:20:18.000 The Ravine Comer never...
01:20:19.000 That's not the name of the episode?
01:20:21.000 It should have been.
01:20:22.000 It never made the cut.
01:20:24.000 We had so much fun.
01:20:25.000 But it was also beautiful.
01:20:27.000 I remember we were eating over a fire.
01:20:33.000 I think one scene actually did make it in because when I went to shoot that deer, I had to crawl to a position and lay the rifle down on a rock to get a good spot, and I crawled right over a cactus.
01:20:46.000 So I had cactus thorns all over my legs.
01:20:49.000 So I had my pants down by the fire.
01:20:52.000 I think there's a video of it online, of Callan with needle-nose pliers Pulling cactus thorns out of my ass and legs while we're eating this meat over a fire.
01:21:06.000 That's a friend.
01:21:07.000 Oh, that's a friend.
01:21:08.000 But when we were there eating that meat over the fire, it was so...
01:21:15.000 Satisfying and the meat was so good because it was so fresh and was like, you know We just put salt on it like maybe salt and a little pepper and we're just frying, you know But we're grilling it over this fire and I remember thinking I want to do this for the rest of my life Yeah, like this is the most fun the most the food was so delicious and it was so satisfying and if you've never had wild game before Like,
01:21:38.000 people have this idea, like, gamey, tastes badly.
01:21:41.000 No, no, no, no, no.
01:21:41.000 That's nonsense.
01:21:42.000 That's just, the only time wild meat is gamey is when people prepare it wrong.
01:21:47.000 When they let it go bad, or that it gets dirty, or the glands of the animal, when they're in the rut, when they're mating.
01:21:54.000 Yeah.
01:21:55.000 They have a tarsal gland that's a gland on their leg.
01:21:57.000 And if you puncture that gland and the scent gets on the meat, it tastes like shit.
01:22:02.000 But that's just a lack of proper preparation.
01:22:05.000 You just have to be careful and treat it with respect.
01:22:07.000 The meat is delicious.
01:22:09.000 I feel like everybody should know how to hunt.
01:22:13.000 Because if stuff does go south...
01:22:16.000 I remember in New York with the blackout.
01:22:19.000 I don't know if you remember that back in wherever the fuck it was.
01:22:22.000 I remember...
01:22:24.000 It turned...
01:22:27.000 So wild when that sun went down.
01:22:30.000 There was no lights.
01:22:31.000 Quick.
01:22:32.000 A day.
01:22:33.000 I told my wife, I go, there's no electricity.
01:22:36.000 All the delis were giving out their ice cream.
01:22:39.000 It was all, you know, and everybody was having a good time.
01:22:41.000 I go, where are you?
01:22:42.000 She goes, I'm down having margaritas in Soho.
01:22:45.000 I'm going, get your ass on the highway and walk home right now.
01:22:49.000 Wow.
01:22:49.000 There was people, regular people directing traffic because people were almost getting killed because there was no streetlights.
01:22:55.000 People trying to get out of the city.
01:22:57.000 So, you know, there's not enough cops.
01:22:59.000 I go walk up the West Side Highway, get home.
01:23:01.000 The big high-rises, people, there was no lights.
01:23:04.000 You couldn't, like, people had to walk in these dark hallways, 40 flights.
01:23:09.000 No elevators.
01:23:11.000 So people were, like, staying on the bottom floor with flashlights to help people up to their apartments.
01:23:18.000 Wow.
01:23:18.000 Wow.
01:23:19.000 And I remember we took a walk one block.
01:23:21.000 We were on 43rd between 10th and 11th.
01:23:23.000 We walked up to 9th and we turned around because it was chaos.
01:23:27.000 You know who didn't give a fuck?
01:23:29.000 Who?
01:23:29.000 Homeless people.
01:23:30.000 Look at that.
01:23:31.000 Is that what it was like?
01:23:32.000 Yeah.
01:23:32.000 Look at that.
01:23:33.000 Wow.
01:23:33.000 That's one day, a few hours without electricity in Manhattan.
01:23:37.000 And it turned crazy.
01:23:40.000 What about the people that were stuck on the trains?
01:23:42.000 Yeah, dude.
01:23:43.000 They had to walk out through the subway.
01:23:44.000 Oh!
01:23:45.000 Walk out through those tunnels with all those fucking rats.
01:23:47.000 Yeah, they had to walk out through the...
01:23:49.000 Bro.
01:23:49.000 And there's actually buildings in New York.
01:23:52.000 I don't know if you know this.
01:23:53.000 There's townhouses.
01:23:54.000 They look like townhouses, but they're empty.
01:23:56.000 They're actually subway escape routes.
01:23:59.000 There are vents for the subway.
01:24:01.000 It looks like a brownstone, but inside is a vent for the subway.
01:24:04.000 And if people get stuck in the subway, they actually come out through that brownstone.
01:24:09.000 Look at all those people walking out through the subways.
01:24:12.000 How long did the blackout last for?
01:24:14.000 One night.
01:24:15.000 That's it?
01:24:16.000 We walked up to 9th Ave.
01:24:17.000 There was barrels on fire.
01:24:19.000 A homeless guy came up and grabbed the girl's ass, like stuck his hand in her twat.
01:24:27.000 It was like...
01:24:29.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.
01:24:30.000 And we turned around and went back to the house and just sat in the house.
01:24:33.000 I stayed up all night.
01:24:36.000 Wow.
01:24:36.000 And that's one night?
01:24:37.000 That's one night and the city went chaos.
01:24:41.000 Look at all those people walking on the bridge.
01:24:42.000 Holy fucking shit.
01:24:44.000 Holy fucking shit.
01:24:46.000 Look at all those people on that bridge.
01:24:48.000 Is that crazy?
01:24:49.000 That's scary.
01:24:50.000 That's wild.
01:24:50.000 That frightens me.
01:24:51.000 That's wild.
01:24:52.000 Well, that's a zombie movie, right?
01:24:54.000 That's how it goes down.
01:24:55.000 Look at that cool motherfucker with a saxophone up.
01:24:57.000 That dude probably got all the pussy.
01:25:00.000 We got all that pandemic pussy.
01:25:02.000 I mean, that means shit right now.
01:25:06.000 It's shit.
01:25:07.000 The sun went down.
01:25:09.000 New York City was just like being in New Hampshire.
01:25:11.000 We had a power outage out here.
01:25:13.000 Was it a year and a half ago, Jamie?
01:25:17.000 February of 21. And it was weird.
01:25:21.000 It was weird because it snowed.
01:25:24.000 And so no one out here knows how to drive in the snow at all.
01:25:27.000 And then the roads iced over because they don't have plows.
01:25:30.000 So it was like freezing rain and then, you know, worst conditions ever.
01:25:35.000 Freezing rain first, then snow.
01:25:37.000 So you have a layer of ice over the roads and then you have snow on top of that.
01:25:41.000 And just people sliding off, crashing into each other.
01:25:44.000 No one knew what the fuck to do.
01:25:46.000 They all have SUVs, four-wheel drive, they don't know how to use it.
01:25:48.000 Well, they have SUVs with street tires on them.
01:25:51.000 They have like a Cayenne.
01:25:52.000 You know, a Porsche Cayenne with those fat ones.
01:25:54.000 It's like fucking sports car tires.
01:25:55.000 They're terrible.
01:25:56.000 I have a 1995 Land Cruiser that I had built for the apocalypse.
01:26:00.000 I'm coming to your house.
01:26:02.000 I have tons of meat.
01:26:05.000 Literally.
01:26:06.000 I have commercial freezers filled with meat.
01:26:08.000 I have three commercial freezers here filled with meat.
01:26:11.000 I'm not fucking around.
01:26:11.000 I keep wild meat.
01:26:14.000 I give a lot of it to my friends and I cook a lot of it.
01:26:17.000 But when the shit goes down, the real problem is not meat, it's bullets.
01:26:22.000 Like how many bullets do you have?
01:26:25.000 Like if you have a box of bullets?
01:26:27.000 What's that, a hundred bullets?
01:26:29.000 You know how quick a hundred bullets goes when you're hunting?
01:26:32.000 Are you trying to find meat?
01:26:33.000 How good a shot are you?
01:26:34.000 Do you know about the wind?
01:26:37.000 Do you know about keeping away from...
01:26:38.000 You have to have scent.
01:26:40.000 You have to have a wind catcher or a wind detector.
01:26:46.000 So what it is is like talcum powder and you have a little bottle.
01:26:49.000 When you hunt, you squeeze this bottle in the air and a mist of smoke, like talcum powder, goes in the air and then it drifts, which way the wind goes.
01:26:58.000 It's a wind detector.
01:26:59.000 So you know you have to be on the right side of the wind.
01:27:02.000 If you are above the deer and the wind is blowing down towards them, they're gonna run away.
01:27:08.000 From hundreds of yards away.
01:27:09.000 So you have to plan the wind correctly.
01:27:11.000 So as you're walking in, you gotta...
01:27:12.000 Like, it's not easy.
01:27:14.000 The idea that, oh yeah, I got a gun, I'll be fine.
01:27:18.000 You're not going to be fine.
01:27:19.000 First of all, the animals are going to figure out real quick that they're being hunted.
01:27:22.000 So they're going to disappear, and they're going to go nocturnal.
01:27:24.000 And you're not going to find them.
01:27:26.000 Plus, people don't know that you think that if something goes down, you just go kill a deer.
01:27:30.000 It's like, no.
01:27:31.000 You're going to kill a squirrel.
01:27:32.000 Kill a small animal and eat that unless you know how to gut that deer and get that meat prepared.
01:27:40.000 Yeah, and if it's hot out, the deer's good for one day.
01:27:43.000 One day.
01:27:44.000 Yeah.
01:27:44.000 So you've got to know how to smoke it or whatever you do to it to keep it.
01:27:47.000 Right.
01:27:48.000 You're going to have to jerk it.
01:27:49.000 You're going to have to take it and cut it.
01:27:50.000 You have to jerk it off.
01:27:51.000 You have to jerk off the deer.
01:27:53.000 You're going to make it slice it into thin pieces and you're going to have to dry it out.
01:27:57.000 Yeah.
01:27:57.000 And even then it's not going to last forever.
01:27:59.000 You have to salt it.
01:28:00.000 We're fucked.
01:28:00.000 There's a lot of stuff you have to do.
01:28:01.000 We're fucked.
01:28:01.000 We're fucked.
01:28:02.000 Not all of us.
01:28:03.000 You're not fucked.
01:28:04.000 I'm still kind of fucked, because then the real problem is not animals and food.
01:28:09.000 The real problem is people that don't have animals or food.
01:28:11.000 That's the real problem, is the other people that are around you.
01:28:15.000 Yeah.
01:28:15.000 Like, if you're in a highly populated area and it runs out of food, it doesn't matter what you have.
01:28:20.000 Like, your main problem now is other people that are desperate.
01:28:24.000 Right.
01:28:24.000 And you can only give them so much.
01:28:26.000 Like, you can't give them everything you have.
01:28:27.000 So even if you want to help out, the only way...
01:28:29.000 You've got to have a community, and then everyone in the community has to chip in.
01:28:33.000 And you have to know that you can counter each other so you become an asset to each other and not like a competitor.
01:28:38.000 Right.
01:28:39.000 It's like that Walking Dead shit.
01:28:41.000 Yes, exactly.
01:28:42.000 The zombies weren't the problem.
01:28:43.000 The problem was other people.
01:28:45.000 Yeah, that's right.
01:28:45.000 And that's fucking real.
01:28:46.000 Like in Manhattan, if like, if Manhattan gets hit with a nuke, you know, and then the power goes out, and then all the people in Westchester and all the people in Connecticut are the only ones that survive, Ooh.
01:28:58.000 I saw that episode with, what's her name?
01:29:02.000 Tulsi Gabbard.
01:29:03.000 I love her, by the way.
01:29:03.000 She scares the fuck out of me.
01:29:05.000 That commercial?
01:29:06.000 Well, the talking about Russia, that sort of explanation of how quickly things can go badly and how we're contributing to that by funneling money and funneling arms over to Ukraine.
01:29:18.000 As much as you think of what Russia has done as horrific, we're on the verge of nuclear war right now.
01:29:26.000 Yeah.
01:29:26.000 And there's a lot of people that are profiting off of that.
01:29:30.000 Unfortunately, there's a whole industry of arms manufacturers who are accelerating that.
01:29:35.000 That would suck if my special becomes a hit and then the fucking bomb hits.
01:29:40.000 And you know, no Americans can even travel over to Russia.
01:29:42.000 It's fucking dangerous.
01:29:43.000 Brittany Griner is over there, you know, rotting in a fucking cell.
01:29:47.000 They gave her nine years for having a marijuana vape pen on her.
01:29:52.000 Meanwhile, like in America, we have Russian fighters that fight in the UFC all the time.
01:29:56.000 They're 100% safe.
01:29:58.000 They come over here, they fight.
01:29:59.000 Pyotr Jan from Russia is fighting for the title.
01:30:01.000 He's fighting this weekend.
01:30:03.000 We have plenty of Russians come over here.
01:30:05.000 They get treated fine.
01:30:07.000 But if you're an American, you go over to Russia, you're fucked.
01:30:10.000 Yeah.
01:30:10.000 Not good.
01:30:11.000 It sucks because we were kind of cool with them for a minute.
01:30:14.000 Yes!
01:30:14.000 Forever!
01:30:15.000 Right?
01:30:15.000 Yes!
01:30:16.000 Dude, Roy Jones Jr. became a fucking Russian citizen.
01:30:20.000 He did.
01:30:20.000 How?
01:30:21.000 He's friends with Putin.
01:30:22.000 Because, you know, they love him for his boxing.
01:30:25.000 He had some fights over there and, you know, would go over there.
01:30:28.000 And so they gave him Russian citizenship.
01:30:29.000 He got a Russian passport.
01:30:31.000 Yeah, we were cool with them for a while.
01:30:33.000 They were fucking wearing our jeans and shit.
01:30:35.000 Oh, yeah.
01:30:36.000 It was great.
01:30:37.000 Loving us.
01:30:37.000 I remember, was it?
01:30:38.000 It was fun.
01:30:38.000 Noam from the Comedy Cell, the owner.
01:30:40.000 You know him?
01:30:41.000 Mm-hmm.
01:30:42.000 Love him.
01:30:43.000 One of my good friends.
01:30:44.000 He's a genius, too.
01:30:46.000 He's a lawyer.
01:30:47.000 He's a master musician.
01:30:48.000 He owns one of the best clubs in the country.
01:30:51.000 And he would go over there.
01:30:52.000 His band would play.
01:30:54.000 His band would go to Russia and do shows, which was fucking great.
01:30:58.000 Yeah, he'd just go over there and do shows.
01:30:59.000 His friend Andy or something has business over there, so they'd just all go over there, his whole band, do shows for a week, and then come back.
01:31:06.000 During the fucking invasion, Louis was scheduled to do shows in Ukraine.
01:31:10.000 Yeah.
01:31:10.000 And I texted him, I'm like, what are you doing?
01:31:12.000 He's like, I'm over here hiding in a bomb shelter.
01:31:15.000 I'm like, no, I'm not going.
01:31:16.000 He's like, I'm getting the fuck out of here.
01:31:18.000 He was a day from doing it, though.
01:31:20.000 He was gonna do the show, period, even though they were invading Ukraine.
01:31:23.000 He would've been fucked.
01:31:25.000 Wouldn't be good.
01:31:26.000 Now?
01:31:26.000 No.
01:31:27.000 Did you ever do any of the USO tours?
01:31:29.000 No, I didn't.
01:31:29.000 Never?
01:31:30.000 No.
01:31:30.000 I thought you would have done those.
01:31:31.000 Yeah, I was scared of getting blown up.
01:31:33.000 I went over there.
01:31:34.000 Did you?
01:31:34.000 How was it?
01:31:35.000 Quinn.
01:31:35.000 I went with Dane and Quinn.
01:31:38.000 I went with Quinn the first time.
01:31:39.000 When I went with Quinn, it was right when the war started.
01:31:44.000 It was scary, man.
01:31:46.000 I mean, it was scary.
01:31:47.000 I can imagine.
01:31:48.000 We landed in...
01:31:49.000 We were doing two shows a day.
01:31:51.000 So you'd fly in on a Chinook.
01:31:55.000 A helicopter?
01:31:56.000 Yeah.
01:31:56.000 We were doing helicopters in...
01:31:59.000 I remember we flew in and we were at the palaces.
01:32:03.000 He had 36 palaces or something, and they didn't bomb any of them.
01:32:09.000 They sent one rocket through his bedroom window just to let them know what they could do because they used all those palaces as camps, as bases, because they're already fortified.
01:32:20.000 So they didn't have to make a base.
01:32:21.000 They just used it.
01:32:22.000 So I stayed at Uday's palace.
01:32:25.000 I took a shit on Saddam's gold toilet.
01:32:28.000 Did you really?
01:32:29.000 Yeah, I got a picture of me taking a shit on his gold toilet.
01:32:32.000 Where's that picture?
01:32:33.000 Ah, I think it's on my MySpace.
01:32:36.000 Remember MySpace?
01:32:37.000 What happened to Tom?
01:32:39.000 Tom fucking cashed out.
01:32:41.000 Tom made it.
01:32:42.000 But where is he?
01:32:43.000 I don't know, but he's a hero.
01:32:44.000 Tom never fucked with us.
01:32:46.000 He never edited anything.
01:32:47.000 He was your first friend?
01:32:49.000 Yeah, he was your friend.
01:32:51.000 He was sitting there sideways.
01:32:52.000 He never canceled anybody's account for misinformation.
01:32:55.000 Love, Tom.
01:32:57.000 Imagine going back to that time and thinking what the internet would become.
01:33:01.000 No one would have ever imagined.
01:33:03.000 No one would have ever imagined.
01:33:04.000 I mean, me and you were kind of, you were doing it, I was doing it, websites, videos, but it was so new.
01:33:14.000 No one had even an inkling of what it would become.
01:33:19.000 You know, it was so strange because all it was was like, you know, you had to find out about a cool website and you would go there.
01:33:26.000 You weren't even using search engines.
01:33:28.000 You would find out about a website from your friend.
01:33:31.000 Like, hey, you ever heard of the Style Project?
01:33:33.000 Go there.
01:33:34.000 You go there and you see, like, people getting eaten by animals and shit and bullet wounds and stuff and wild, crazy shit.
01:33:39.000 Yeah, you had JoeRogan.net.
01:33:41.000 Yeah.
01:33:42.000 And you used to write blogs.
01:33:43.000 I had to buy.com.
01:33:44.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:33:45.000 Yeah, there was a real estate guy.
01:33:47.000 Where was he?
01:33:48.000 I think he was in Idaho.
01:33:51.000 I forget.
01:33:52.000 I think he's in Iowa.
01:33:53.000 Iowa.
01:33:54.000 No.
01:33:54.000 Idaho?
01:33:55.000 Idaho.
01:33:56.000 And that's water and this is coffee.
01:33:59.000 There's water in there right there.
01:34:01.000 Thanks.
01:34:01.000 But yeah, I had to buy JoeRogan.com.
01:34:03.000 I remember you had it.
01:34:05.000 I invented social media.
01:34:08.000 How'd you do that?
01:34:12.000 Fucking great response.
01:34:14.000 How'd you do that?
01:34:16.000 Fucking perfect.
01:34:17.000 Not questioning it at all.
01:34:21.000 I had, remember guestbooks?
01:34:23.000 No.
01:34:24.000 Okay, there was a website.
01:34:25.000 You could just sign up, it was a guestbook.
01:34:27.000 So, your fans could come and leave comments.
01:34:31.000 And you could read them and reply to them.
01:34:34.000 Oh.
01:34:34.000 It's just a guestbook, almost like at a funeral or a wedding.
01:34:36.000 What year was this?
01:34:38.000 Oh, Jesus, man.
01:34:39.000 This had to be 97, maybe 2000. No, it had to be before then.
01:34:45.000 Right when I got to New York.
01:34:48.000 And it was like, you know, you could leave a comment, and they'd leave a comment, and so what happened was is I had this thing, and all these fans would come and leave comments.
01:34:58.000 Hey, I saw you here, blah, blah, blah.
01:34:59.000 Oh, thanks for coming.
01:35:01.000 And I turned this guest book was supposed to be for funerals and weddings.
01:35:06.000 I used it for comedy.
01:35:08.000 And then Norton, Keith Robinson, Billy Burr, Dane, they signed on as, you know, other people.
01:35:18.000 And started to fuck with you.
01:35:21.000 Norton was Mr. AIDS. And he said, Robert Kelly's comedy is as funny as child rape with half the laughs.
01:35:38.000 I mean, it was nuts.
01:35:40.000 It was crazy.
01:35:42.000 And then, I remember, I knew who people were, but they didn't know who they were.
01:35:48.000 And they started fighting each other.
01:35:50.000 So I remember Burr would come on and say stuff about...
01:35:54.000 Burr was, I think, Dave or Chris...
01:35:58.000 And Keith Robinson was KWR superstar or something like that.
01:36:03.000 Dane was, I don't know, fucking to the top or some shit, right?
01:36:07.000 And they started fighting each other and it was, dude, they were taking like days to go out and write like articles about each other and they were smashing each other.
01:36:18.000 It was fucking brutal.
01:36:20.000 I'm talking thousands of people are going to this every day just to read these fucked up comments that comics were saying about each other as aliases.
01:36:33.000 All of a sudden I get a thing in the mail you have to stop.
01:36:37.000 It's from the FBI. What?
01:36:39.000 Child Services or something.
01:36:41.000 It had a logo of these little kids just like sad, you know?
01:36:47.000 And it was kind of like blurred out and had like three little kids just sad.
01:36:52.000 You have to take all the swears, your language, you've been reported and you're going to be fined $5,000 and jail time and I had to go, I panicked.
01:37:04.000 I went through and I had to take all the fucks out and the swears.
01:37:07.000 I took all the swears and stuff out and then I got another letter.
01:37:11.000 It's like, it's not enough, the things that are being said, and I shut it down.
01:37:16.000 Was this serious?
01:37:17.000 It really was the FBI? A year later, I'm on tour with Dane, and I'm like, dude, remember that site, man, that fucking thing with the, I'm so sad that it's gone.
01:37:28.000 Remember how fun that was?
01:37:30.000 He goes, oh, that was me.
01:37:32.000 It was him.
01:37:33.000 Pretending to be the FBI. He goes, dude, I couldn't take it anymore.
01:37:36.000 What?
01:37:37.000 I was spending two nights in a row, all night, trying to write.
01:37:41.000 I couldn't do it.
01:37:42.000 I was like, what?
01:37:44.000 I just created social media!
01:37:48.000 It was the hottest thing in the world.
01:37:50.000 And he couldn't handle it, so he killed the whole thing.
01:37:53.000 He killed it.
01:37:53.000 It's like when a kid's losing at a video game and he unplugs the box.
01:37:56.000 Dude, he unplugged the box, Joe.
01:37:58.000 Oh my God.
01:37:59.000 Dude, it was nuts.
01:38:00.000 And he didn't even tell anybody.
01:38:01.000 Dude, he didn't tell me.
01:38:02.000 And I was like...
01:38:04.000 Nefarious.
01:38:05.000 Dude, it was nuts.
01:38:06.000 That's kind of nefarious.
01:38:07.000 That he pretended to be the FBI? Child services?
01:38:11.000 Dude, it had a logo, a phone number.
01:38:13.000 I remember calling the number, going, can I please talk to somebody?
01:38:17.000 Like, there was a number.
01:38:18.000 What happens when you call the number?
01:38:19.000 I don't know, it left a voicemail.
01:38:20.000 What's this bullshit?
01:38:22.000 Wow.
01:38:23.000 But that was like the first...
01:38:24.000 I mean, I got petrified that I was going to get sued.
01:38:27.000 What a crazy way to handle the situation.
01:38:29.000 Instead of just getting out and not reading it, he decides to kill the whole thing.
01:38:34.000 He's killed.
01:38:35.000 I was like, why did you tell me?
01:38:37.000 It would have been hilarious is after I douched it.
01:38:40.000 He was like, dude, that was me, you fucking idiot.
01:38:42.000 But a year later, he tells you?
01:38:44.000 Yeah, weird.
01:38:45.000 Weird.
01:38:46.000 That's so weird.
01:38:47.000 Yeah.
01:38:47.000 That's very bizarre behavior.
01:38:49.000 Yeah.
01:38:50.000 I remember we used to have websites.
01:38:52.000 I had crazy websites when they first.
01:38:54.000 Remember websites were a thing?
01:38:55.000 I had a website.
01:38:57.000 I want to put it back up just for like a couple months.
01:39:00.000 I walked out.
01:39:02.000 Me.
01:39:03.000 I walked out on the top.
01:39:05.000 Like me as a person walked out and I grabbed the mic and I went and it just went and all the balls sprinkled around and then there was a ball in the middle that was my face but when you touched it it was liquid.
01:39:19.000 Really?
01:39:20.000 Dude, I had the best fucking websites.
01:39:22.000 Who designed it for you?
01:39:23.000 I have this guy, Kurt Iverson.
01:39:25.000 He's just this genius dude.
01:39:28.000 He was from Kansas City.
01:39:30.000 And he did my websites, but he was just a genius.
01:39:34.000 He would go out and just, I would say, this is what I want, and then he would just create it.
01:39:38.000 Where do you think this goes?
01:39:40.000 Like, we're looking back on the 90s on websites like, wow, remember that?
01:39:45.000 And now everyone is just deeply involved in social media and very few people put any time into their website now.
01:39:50.000 Yeah.
01:39:51.000 Where do you think this goes?
01:39:52.000 You think it goes to like augmented reality or virtual reality?
01:39:55.000 I think VR. You think like the Metaverse, that kind of shit?
01:39:58.000 Have you used the VR yet, the Quest?
01:40:00.000 Yeah, I have.
01:40:01.000 When Zuckerberg was here, he showed me the new version of Meta, which is out now.
01:40:05.000 It's the new version of Oculus.
01:40:08.000 It's incredible.
01:40:09.000 One of the more interesting things was that you could tour places, like you can go to the Louvre in Paris, and you're walking around.
01:40:16.000 And so like you could just like go to there and then it's like there's people around you moving around because they filmed it while there was a crowd there.
01:40:23.000 Yeah.
01:40:24.000 So it doesn't feel exactly like you're there, but it's pretty fucking close.
01:40:29.000 You can go to a comedy show.
01:40:30.000 I went to a comedy show.
01:40:32.000 I sat in the front row and I turned around and there was people next to me and the comic looked at me and went like this.
01:40:38.000 Wow.
01:40:38.000 I was like, what's up?
01:40:39.000 And I saw a comedy show on Quest, on Oculus.
01:40:43.000 Wow.
01:40:44.000 And, I mean, it was crazy.
01:40:46.000 That's going to happen.
01:40:47.000 You could put a camera here, and people could sit in on this podcast with us.
01:40:52.000 Well, they're doing virtual reality UFCs.
01:40:56.000 Yeah.
01:40:56.000 They're going to do that.
01:40:57.000 Or you're going to be, like, inside the fucking octagon.
01:41:00.000 Yeah.
01:41:01.000 Which is crazy.
01:41:02.000 Like you're gonna be like right there watching.
01:41:04.000 You could probably sit wherever you want.
01:41:06.000 I bet you could probably sit in the crowd or you could probably be watching from the octagon itself.
01:41:11.000 I love it.
01:41:12.000 I love technology.
01:41:13.000 I'm a big fan.
01:41:14.000 I love gadgets.
01:41:15.000 I love new shit and I love that you can do that.
01:41:21.000 Number one, it's too big.
01:41:23.000 They've got to make it smaller.
01:41:24.000 They've got to make it...
01:41:25.000 Because you put that on, you can only have it on for a certain amount of time.
01:41:28.000 Number two, it's got to be cheaper.
01:41:31.000 I mean, the new Oculus that Facebook is doing is $1,700.
01:41:38.000 It's like, dude...
01:41:40.000 It's a computer.
01:41:41.000 You've got to make that $200 somehow and smaller so that the average...
01:41:45.000 But it's scary to me because...
01:41:47.000 During the pandemic, I was going to movies with friends.
01:41:51.000 We'd all put our Oculus on, and we'd meet at the movie theater.
01:41:55.000 Really?
01:41:56.000 Dude.
01:41:56.000 What movies?
01:41:57.000 We watched Caddyshack one night.
01:42:00.000 Like, my friend plugged it into his computer, and we went in, and we sat down in the movie theater, all of us, eight of us, in the movie theater, watching Caddyshack, and it was my little avatar that I made, and I was looking over.
01:42:13.000 We were throwing popcorn at each other.
01:42:15.000 We're getting drinks, throwing stuff.
01:42:17.000 I remember it got really fucked up for me because other people could come in too because it's open to the universe.
01:42:24.000 And I remember a chick sat next to me.
01:42:27.000 This chick with a mohawk sat next to me.
01:42:31.000 And she was like, hi.
01:42:32.000 And I was like, hey.
01:42:33.000 And we waved.
01:42:34.000 And I was like, I got like, oh, I felt like I was cheating.
01:42:37.000 Yeah.
01:42:38.000 That's probably a dude.
01:42:40.000 100% it was some fucking dude from Minneapolis.
01:42:46.000 But I still had that emotion.
01:42:49.000 Right, like it's a real person.
01:42:50.000 A hot chick sat next to me at the movie theater.
01:42:52.000 Now wait until it gets to the point where that person can touch you and you feel it.
01:42:56.000 Is this the movie screen?
01:42:58.000 Wow.
01:42:59.000 You can pick what theater you want.
01:43:01.000 So you walk in, you sit down, and you watch the movie just like you're in a movie theater.
01:43:05.000 Just like you're in a theater.
01:43:06.000 Are you talking to each other while this is happening?
01:43:09.000 Yeah, you can talk.
01:43:09.000 Wow.
01:43:09.000 You can't verbally...
01:43:11.000 I can't forget.
01:43:12.000 I remember you could write stuff and it would come up or something in the chat or something like that.
01:43:16.000 But yeah, dude, we were in the theater.
01:43:18.000 Look at that.
01:43:18.000 This is incredible.
01:43:19.000 Experience 3D movies together.
01:43:21.000 Play your favorite PC games together.
01:43:23.000 Wow.
01:43:24.000 Can you do first-person shooters, Jamie?
01:43:26.000 You can, but they're not good yet.
01:43:28.000 Look at that.
01:43:30.000 They're not good?
01:43:30.000 No, they're not good yet, because we're used to playing Call of Duty and, you know, all that stuff.
01:43:36.000 They don't have that?
01:43:37.000 They have it, but it's a version of it, and it's not good yet.
01:43:41.000 There was a time where they were talking about doing these multi-directional treadmills.
01:43:48.000 Have you ever seen those things where you wear like a- Am I having a stroke or did a star just shoot across the ceiling?
01:43:53.000 Yeah, a star.
01:43:54.000 I was like, shit.
01:43:55.000 I'm going to stroke on- Yeah, everybody freaks out about that.
01:43:57.000 Yeah, I'm sorry.
01:43:58.000 I should probably tell people.
01:43:59.000 The best game they have for it.
01:44:00.000 What is this one?
01:44:01.000 So you move with your feet by moving your hands like that?
01:44:04.000 Yeah, they go like locomotion or something.
01:44:05.000 Oh, that looks stupid.
01:44:06.000 No, but they do have foot things now.
01:44:08.000 They do have a thing that you put on your shoes and you just walk.
01:44:12.000 Oh.
01:44:13.000 So they do have it.
01:44:13.000 It's just not everybody has it.
01:44:15.000 So they are getting close to where you'll put the gloves on.
01:44:18.000 So now when you go to Oculus, remember you had to use those little thumb things?
01:44:22.000 Mm-hmm.
01:44:22.000 Now it scans your hands.
01:44:25.000 And you don't have to use those things.
01:44:26.000 You can just use your hands.
01:44:28.000 Your hand...
01:44:29.000 It's nuts to me.
01:44:31.000 Your hand comes up in front of your face.
01:44:33.000 And it's your hand.
01:44:34.000 It turns...
01:44:35.000 Are you holding anything in your hand?
01:44:36.000 Nothing.
01:44:36.000 Wow.
01:44:37.000 Nothing.
01:44:37.000 He didn't describe this to us, but I read it in their article.
01:44:40.000 They asked Zuckerberg, what else do you have that's cool that's coming?
01:44:44.000 And he said EKG might be what it's called.
01:44:47.000 They have sensors for the wrist.
01:44:49.000 It looks probably like this strap from my whoop strap.
01:44:51.000 And it's reading...
01:44:53.000 The way your wrist moves.
01:44:54.000 So the way they have it working right now is you put on the sunglasses and you can do a little typing motion.
01:45:00.000 But they have it so that you can play video games with it and move your hand like a joystick.
01:45:05.000 But he said they have it developed to the point in testing right now where you don't even really have to move your fingers.
01:45:11.000 You can just sort of think about it and it'll start doing it for you.
01:45:14.000 You can play a whole game without even moving.
01:45:16.000 So you'll attach something to your feet and then something to your hands And then you'll be able to take your gun and explode it.
01:45:24.000 And then change parts.
01:45:26.000 Make it into a different gun.
01:45:28.000 And then bring it back.
01:45:31.000 And fucking start shooting people.
01:45:34.000 What I had seen was there was a thing where you were in a small circular treadmill.
01:45:40.000 But you're attached at the waist.
01:45:43.000 Yeah.
01:45:43.000 So the treadmill moves in any direction, and you move it with your feet.
01:45:50.000 You know those treadmills where they're self-propelled?
01:45:54.000 It's not working on a machine.
01:45:55.000 It's like your foot is making the wheel spin.
01:45:58.000 Well, it's that, but it's circular.
01:46:00.000 So you move in any direction, and you're carrying like a plastic gun, and then you have the virtual reality headset, and you're running around like you're in a real first-person shooter, but you're stationary.
01:46:10.000 But it's like you're strapped.
01:46:14.000 Is that like a concept?
01:46:17.000 It's not, but I don't believe that anyone's got it to the point where it's like good.
01:46:23.000 Right.
01:46:23.000 It's not there yet.
01:46:24.000 That would be perfect.
01:46:25.000 Like that kind of setup, if you had that kind of setup where you have a small treadmill and there was like a railing around it.
01:46:32.000 Here's a video of five different versions of it.
01:46:34.000 There's one where you can sit down.
01:46:36.000 Oh, that's ridiculous.
01:46:37.000 Yeah, that's the foot thing.
01:46:38.000 So you're just moving your feet around as you're sitting.
01:46:42.000 So that's the one I'm talking about.
01:46:43.000 That's the one.
01:46:44.000 So it's like this circular thing.
01:46:46.000 So you can kind of go and it's called the Virtualizer.
01:46:49.000 That's what it is.
01:46:50.000 And so you go in Virtualizer Elite 2. And so you move around, and so as you're moving, you're actually getting a workout, which is pretty fucking cool too.
01:47:01.000 Because like, you know Dance Dance Revolution?
01:47:03.000 Yeah.
01:47:04.000 Fucking kids lost shitloads of weight and got in great shape because they got addicted to that game.
01:47:09.000 And so it's like rewarding because the game is fun, but you're actually getting a benefit out of it.
01:47:14.000 So if you have this, this virtualizer, a different one, so this one is different, but it's the same kind of deal.
01:47:22.000 Like, you're actually using your legs to move around, and when you're doing this, you have a haptic feedback suit on, so if you get shot, you feel it, and look at that guy's running.
01:47:32.000 He's actually running.
01:47:33.000 So you're getting a good fucking workout.
01:47:35.000 Yeah, the problem is that most guys who game are like, you know, 400 pounds.
01:47:39.000 Right, but you could lose weight like this.
01:47:41.000 The same thing with the Dance Dance Revolution thing.
01:47:44.000 Like, a lot of people started out fat, but, you know, in Dance Dance Revolution, you have to move your feet really fast to get a good score.
01:47:50.000 And so, if you're doing this, and the faster you run, the faster you actually move in the game, that's fucking amazing.
01:47:56.000 Well, they have boxing on it, which is...
01:47:59.000 Dude, if you do that, it kills you.
01:48:01.000 Oh, it does, yeah.
01:48:02.000 And they have workout videos, too.
01:48:03.000 Yeah.
01:48:04.000 They have workouts you can go on the Oculus.
01:48:05.000 The only thing is, is that thing is just so heavy on you.
01:48:09.000 It's less heavy.
01:48:10.000 The new one's less heavy.
01:48:11.000 Once they make it smaller where it's less heavy, you'll be able to go to the gym and work out with a trainer in your living room.
01:48:18.000 Virtually.
01:48:18.000 Virtually.
01:48:19.000 I mean, did you try the porn?
01:48:21.000 No.
01:48:22.000 Listen to me, man.
01:48:23.000 I'm listening.
01:48:24.000 I will never go back to it because it's too...
01:48:28.000 Too much.
01:48:29.000 I was at the Comedy Connection in Rhode Island and they had the thing.
01:48:33.000 He goes, put this on.
01:48:35.000 And it was a porn.
01:48:37.000 And I'm sitting there.
01:48:38.000 It's after the show.
01:48:39.000 I'm at the bar.
01:48:39.000 All the waitresses and bartenders and the other comics are over there.
01:48:42.000 I'm sitting in a chair.
01:48:44.000 And I put this on and this girl comes up.
01:48:47.000 She's like, hey baby.
01:48:48.000 But she's right there looking in my eyes.
01:48:52.000 And I'm looking around at her kitchen.
01:48:57.000 And then all of a sudden you look down and you get these muscle legs.
01:49:02.000 You look fantastic.
01:49:04.000 And then she starts talking to you.
01:49:06.000 And she started doing stuff to me.
01:49:09.000 And I started moving.
01:49:12.000 You started humping.
01:49:13.000 Air humping.
01:49:14.000 I was like, get these off me.
01:49:16.000 I was literally just like, it's crazy.
01:49:20.000 And what's going to happen is the next level is going to be some sort of a neural interface where you're going to feel touch.
01:49:28.000 I mean, whether it's 10 years from now or 20 years from now, that's coming.
01:49:32.000 What you're going to do next, I think, with these things is you can customize it.
01:49:38.000 You can customize it.
01:49:39.000 So if there's a porn star you like, like I'm friends with Bailey J. You know who Bailey J is?
01:49:44.000 Oh, yeah.
01:49:46.000 She's trans, right?
01:49:47.000 Trans, yeah.
01:49:47.000 Her husband, Matt, is a good friend of mine.
01:49:50.000 I love them both.
01:49:52.000 But He was talking to me about it.
01:49:55.000 He goes, the next stage in porn is virtual, where you could hire Bailey or any porn star you want, and you'll go and do the porn.
01:50:08.000 But it's yours.
01:50:10.000 And it's virtual, so you keep it.
01:50:12.000 So you can go back.
01:50:14.000 So you go actually have sex with her.
01:50:15.000 Yeah.
01:50:16.000 And film it.
01:50:17.000 Film it.
01:50:17.000 You know what I mean?
01:50:18.000 Whoa.
01:50:19.000 And you'll have that porn forever where you can just put it on and have sex with whatever porn star you want virtually in your living room.
01:50:28.000 You can relive that moment over and over again.
01:50:31.000 Wow.
01:50:31.000 Yeah, virtual porn is nuts because you can see...
01:50:36.000 The person there, you're there.
01:50:37.000 They're looking in your eyes.
01:50:39.000 Right.
01:50:39.000 Like if you watch regular porn, you're just a fly on the wall observing it, you know?
01:50:44.000 But when they look, when a smoking hot chick is looking at you and going, baby, baby, what do you want me to do?
01:50:52.000 You start talking back.
01:50:54.000 You go, I want you to...
01:50:56.000 And it's like...
01:50:56.000 You took it off immediately.
01:50:58.000 I took it off immediately, dude.
01:51:00.000 I won't go back because it's...
01:51:01.000 That's the matrix.
01:51:02.000 It's the matrix.
01:51:03.000 I mean, The Matrix, it's funny, when that movie came out, we're like, oh, this is fun, because it'll never happen.
01:51:10.000 We're there.
01:51:11.000 We're pretty close.
01:51:13.000 We're like at the door.
01:51:14.000 We're reaching for the doorknob to The Matrix.
01:51:17.000 Yeah.
01:51:18.000 We're ready to open up the door and step into it.
01:51:20.000 And some people are probably further ahead than others.
01:51:23.000 And then, again, these neural interfaces, like Neuralink, When things like that, when they start doing that and they can send signals directly to your brain, whoa.
01:51:32.000 I was thinking of this and I decided to Google before I asked you, have you heard of AI porn yet?
01:51:37.000 Because I imagine using all this AI technology we're seeing online right now, they have to have been working on this.
01:51:43.000 And it turns out they are.
01:51:44.000 Of course.
01:51:44.000 And this is what...
01:51:45.000 It comes up on Google.
01:51:46.000 They look pretty good.
01:51:47.000 The thing about it is, like, you could say this is, like, non-exploitation porn, too, right?
01:51:52.000 Because it's not an actual human that got raised by shitty parents.
01:51:56.000 You know?
01:51:57.000 It's like, you don't have to feel bad.
01:51:58.000 Because the problem with porn is when some girl's like...
01:52:03.000 When she's gagging and her fucking mascara's running, you're like, what happened to you?
01:52:07.000 That's the problem.
01:52:08.000 The problem is you want to think she's just a free spirit and she's very healthy and she just enjoys sex and she gets off on it, but the reality of that sort of public display of sexuality is oftentimes it stems from abuse.
01:52:25.000 Yeah.
01:52:26.000 Unfortunate.
01:52:26.000 I mean, this is...
01:52:27.000 It's loud.
01:52:29.000 If you Google porn now, if you're doing a little porn, they always have this type of stuff.
01:52:34.000 It fucking aggravates me because it's so loud.
01:52:37.000 Like the commercial.
01:52:42.000 They have commercials before porn now.
01:52:44.000 You have to sit through it for six seconds.
01:52:45.000 And it's always ten decibels louder than the actual porn you're going to watch.
01:52:50.000 Right.
01:52:50.000 Just like old commercials.
01:52:51.000 Yeah.
01:52:52.000 Remember when TV shows would come on and then the commercial would come on and wake you up.
01:52:55.000 Yeah, so you'll be in your hotel room trying to get some whatever, some, you know, best friend's mom porn, and all of a sudden it's, you want that big boy?
01:53:04.000 You want that car?
01:53:05.000 And you're like, ah!
01:53:06.000 Lower the volume.
01:53:07.000 Yeah, you're going to lower it down.
01:53:09.000 But they have that virtual porn.
01:53:10.000 That's going to be, I mean, it's sad because we're not going to leave our houses, man.
01:53:14.000 We're not going to go anywhere.
01:53:17.000 You're not going to go to New York City.
01:53:18.000 To your tiny house in the woods.
01:53:20.000 Yeah.
01:53:20.000 You just walk the woods.
01:53:22.000 Go on a trail.
01:53:23.000 You know, go in the woods.
01:53:24.000 You're going to go to anywhere you want to go.
01:53:26.000 You'll be able to go and just walk around.
01:53:28.000 Virtually.
01:53:28.000 You know what it is?
01:53:29.000 It's going to be WALL-E. Remember WALL-E? Yeah.
01:53:31.000 With just fat people?
01:53:33.000 Yeah.
01:53:33.000 Yeah.
01:53:34.000 Or Ready Player One.
01:53:35.000 Yeah, that was a fucking great movie.
01:53:37.000 Great fucking movie, yeah.
01:53:38.000 Are they doing it too?
01:53:40.000 You said you read the book, right?
01:53:41.000 The book I read, yes.
01:53:43.000 I mean, the movie and the book for the first one were not the same thing, so I don't know.
01:53:48.000 Two would just be a different story too.
01:53:49.000 It'd be great though, like even my special, if that was...
01:53:55.000 If we did virtually, if we put a virtual camera, I think the setup is weird.
01:54:00.000 You have to put it in a front row seat and it has to, I don't know, it has to go up in a certain way and then you have to join these videos together.
01:54:08.000 You have to put them together, the way you put it together.
01:54:10.000 But think about that.
01:54:11.000 If you could go, if you're all over the world, if you could go and go to my special live the night we taped it, I could have sold tickets to the special worldwide.
01:54:21.000 Like, you're filming your next special.
01:54:23.000 Come see it.
01:54:24.000 You don't have to be where it is.
01:54:26.000 Right.
01:54:26.000 All over the world.
01:54:27.000 Come sit front row at my special for 50 bucks.
01:54:30.000 You can be at the special.
01:54:31.000 And everybody around the world puts their goggles on, is front row at your special live.
01:54:37.000 That's amazing.
01:54:38.000 That's fucking nuts.
01:54:40.000 They have it where you're going to be able to go to football, basketball.
01:54:43.000 You'll buy a season ticket to a game and you're sitting there at the game watching it live from the 50 yard line.
01:54:54.000 That would be great.
01:54:55.000 That would be great.
01:54:56.000 That'd be great.
01:54:56.000 Again, like the UFC thing that they're doing.
01:54:57.000 Yeah, UFC. Which they're already doing.
01:54:59.000 When is the first one supposed to happen?
01:55:01.000 I was trying to find the video I saw of it.
01:55:03.000 It's like with UFC Fight Pass.
01:55:06.000 Mm-hmm.
01:55:07.000 So is it one of the smaller productions?
01:55:09.000 Because UFC Fight Pass has a bunch of like farm sort of leagues where guys start out and then they wind up making it to the UFC afterwards?
01:55:18.000 Yeah.
01:55:19.000 LFA. Yeah, LFA. LFA is one of them.
01:55:21.000 That's a big one.
01:55:22.000 So they just did it.
01:55:23.000 Oh, they did it already.
01:55:25.000 I mean, that's what it says.
01:55:26.000 It was on the 14th.
01:55:27.000 Did they have like a video preview of what it looks like?
01:55:31.000 Yeah, between that, games, porn, entertainment, movies, all that, they're setting us up for the Matrix.
01:55:38.000 Yeah.
01:55:39.000 It's just a slow burn.
01:55:41.000 And it's gonna be fucking weird as shit, dude.
01:55:45.000 Oh, wow.
01:55:48.000 This is the person's view.
01:55:49.000 You can see their hands.
01:55:50.000 So that's like my seat.
01:55:52.000 That's like my seat when I do commentary, right there.
01:55:54.000 That's crazy.
01:55:55.000 It seems like it does change a little bit, and I don't know, you probably don't have control over that from my experience watching other streams, but maybe, they might have changed that now, too.
01:56:05.000 It might not change views.
01:56:06.000 I mean, that's awesome, but there's nothing like being there.
01:56:10.000 No, there's...
01:56:11.000 You're getting the commentators in the air, which you don't get live.
01:56:14.000 Busted, he's bloody, but he's still very much in this fight.
01:56:21.000 What is that?
01:56:22.000 That's the mini that popped up.
01:56:23.000 This is literally off of someone's helmet.
01:56:28.000 This is pretty fucking good.
01:56:30.000 This is pretty fucking good.
01:56:31.000 Oh, he's got the choke.
01:56:36.000 Can't help but commentate?
01:56:37.000 Yeah, he's got it.
01:56:40.000 He's turning the wrong way.
01:56:42.000 He got it.
01:56:43.000 There is a new lens that Canon has developed that I've seen some content made, and I tested it with the Oculus to see what it looked like.
01:56:50.000 It looks like stuff is right in front of you and you can reach out and touch it.
01:56:52.000 It's very strange how well it looks.
01:56:55.000 But the way you make that, it has to be an 8K, and it's a very intensive computer process right now to get that done.
01:57:01.000 So it's very short content.
01:57:02.000 You can watch it with that.
01:57:04.000 Is it because it's too much data?
01:57:07.000 Yeah, it's 8K for each eye.
01:57:09.000 And the way that that's done is it's a split.
01:57:13.000 The lens, instead of being one camera, it's splitting two and making one file.
01:57:18.000 I'm not even explaining it very well.
01:57:21.000 So that color correction doesn't get fucked up and everything looks exactly the same from the same source.
01:57:26.000 It's very hard to match two things up.
01:57:28.000 This is fast.
01:57:29.000 It's fast.
01:57:29.000 I talked to my grandfather, who's a hundred, and I go, what's the greatest piece of technology you've ever seen?
01:57:35.000 And he said, the radio.
01:57:38.000 Fucked him up.
01:57:39.000 The radio fucked him up.
01:57:40.000 Fucked him up.
01:57:41.000 He goes, I couldn't believe a voice was coming out of a box from somewhere else.
01:57:48.000 And now, to think about this shit.
01:57:50.000 Do you remember the story of Orson Welles, the War of the Worlds?
01:57:54.000 Yeah.
01:57:55.000 Yeah.
01:57:55.000 Orson Welles played, he read from H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds.
01:58:00.000 It's H.G. Wells, right?
01:58:01.000 The book?
01:58:02.000 He read the story on the air and they read it like it was news reports.
01:58:09.000 Yeah.
01:58:09.000 Like that were being attacked by Mars.
01:58:12.000 Yeah.
01:58:12.000 And people started freaking the fuck out.
01:58:16.000 Because if you didn't tune in in time to hear that this is just like fucking, this is a performance, people thought when they tuned into the radio, We're being attacked by aliens.
01:58:26.000 Yes.
01:58:27.000 So what year was that with the war the 19 what?
01:58:32.000 So 1930 Halloween 1938 the infamous war of worlds radio broadcast was a magnificent fluke Orson Welles and his colleagues scrambled to pull together the show and ended up writing pop culture history.
01:58:45.000 So this was 1938 Yeah, so it was the H.G. Wells classic, The War of the Worlds.
01:58:52.000 But I believe they added things to it, like they made it seem like there was legitimate news broadcasts, and it caused a nationwide hysteria.
01:59:03.000 And he was 23 years old when he did it.
01:59:05.000 Oh, by the next morning, 23-year-old Wells face and name were on the front page newspapers coast to coast along with headlines about the mass panic his CBS broadcast had allegedly inspired.
01:59:20.000 I think people killed themselves.
01:59:22.000 What?
01:59:23.000 Yeah.
01:59:23.000 Jesus.
01:59:24.000 I think, see if there was a suicide.
01:59:27.000 I think at least one, it might have been just a report of a suicide, like sensationalism, because journalism was very hard to fucking vet back then.
01:59:35.000 I wonder if that's true, because I do remember saying that people killed them, or reading that people killed themselves.
01:59:45.000 There was a lawsuit in 1960 about it.
01:59:47.000 Dude, I had this guy on the other day, Ryan Graves.
01:59:50.000 He was an advanced fighter pilot for the Navy.
01:59:53.000 And in 2014, they updated all of their radar systems and they started seeing UFOs everywhere.
02:00:01.000 So all over the East Coast and the ocean, when they would travel out the ocean to run these training missions, they started seeing these objects that defied physics.
02:00:12.000 These objects are like 25 feet wide.
02:00:14.000 They were hovering, totally stationary, with 130 mile an hour winds, which he said just doesn't make any sense how they could do that.
02:00:23.000 It wasn't drifting back and forth.
02:00:24.000 It was just completely stationary.
02:00:26.000 And then they would move off at close to the speed of sound.
02:00:29.000 They would fly in formation.
02:00:30.000 They would go in and out of the ocean.
02:00:33.000 And he said, people had reported these things before.
02:00:36.000 He goes, but once they updated their radar systems, they were finding these things on their radar every single flight almost.
02:00:42.000 He said 90% of the missions they did, they encountered these things.
02:00:45.000 He said, they just didn't know they were there before.
02:00:48.000 But why?
02:00:49.000 Like, I believe in aliens.
02:00:51.000 I believe there's other life.
02:00:52.000 I believe in all that shit.
02:00:54.000 But why don't they...
02:00:55.000 I don't understand.
02:00:57.000 Why don't they say hi?
02:00:59.000 Well, we don't know what the fuck they are.
02:01:01.000 We don't know if they're drones.
02:01:03.000 Is this some China shit?
02:01:04.000 It could be.
02:01:05.000 We don't know if it's from another country.
02:01:07.000 We don't know if it's our stuff, that they don't have information.
02:01:10.000 Look, if a ship just came down right now in Austin, would you go and check it out, or would you go the fuck home?
02:01:16.000 Go the fuck home.
02:01:17.000 Go the fuck home.
02:01:18.000 I'm not going to be the first guy that gets eaten.
02:01:20.000 Look, imagine how when I go to the woods looking for an elk, they're going looking for a fat person.
02:01:26.000 I'm not going to be that guy.
02:01:27.000 No.
02:01:28.000 I'm not going to be that first guy that gets eaten.
02:01:30.000 You're not going to be the people on top of the building in Independence Day, and then they just blast it out?
02:01:35.000 I'm out, too.
02:01:35.000 Yeah, they're looking for dummies.
02:01:37.000 I'm going right up into the woods.
02:01:39.000 Yeah.
02:01:39.000 Going to my tiny house.
02:01:40.000 Fuck that.
02:01:41.000 Hopefully we're the last people they find.
02:01:42.000 If they're here to help us, you'll find out about it eventually.
02:01:45.000 You don't want to be one of the first guys to get scooped up like Richard Dreyfuss in Close Encounters of the First Kind.
02:01:52.000 That fucking movie, that was wild shit, man.
02:01:56.000 I remember that movie, like all of a sudden people started like seeing things in the sky.
02:02:00.000 They pretended they saw things.
02:02:01.000 Well, everything that science fiction, it seems like it's coming true.
02:02:04.000 Like if you look at Star Trek, we have better technology now.
02:02:08.000 Way better.
02:02:08.000 Than they had then.
02:02:09.000 They didn't even have the internet.
02:02:10.000 They had walkie-talkies.
02:02:11.000 They didn't even have cell phones.
02:02:13.000 It was Kirk out.
02:02:14.000 They didn't hang up.
02:02:15.000 They had a stupid flip phone.
02:02:17.000 Meanwhile, they could transport to another planet.
02:02:19.000 They had David Tell's phone.
02:02:21.000 I love him.
02:02:22.000 He has a flip phone.
02:02:23.000 He does.
02:02:24.000 He's the best.
02:02:25.000 He's the best.
02:02:26.000 Yeah.
02:02:26.000 Yeah, they didn't anticipate the internet.
02:02:29.000 I mean, that was the big mind blower.
02:02:31.000 So if they wanted to take you, you wouldn't go?
02:02:33.000 No chance.
02:02:33.000 Fuck you.
02:02:34.000 So if they were like, Joe, we're big fans of your podcast.
02:02:38.000 We've been listening.
02:02:38.000 Good.
02:02:39.000 Be a guest.
02:02:40.000 Come sit right there.
02:02:41.000 You'd have him in here?
02:02:42.000 100%.
02:02:42.000 How great would that episode be?
02:02:43.000 That would be insane.
02:02:44.000 I would 100% have an alien on the podcast.
02:02:47.000 If you're hearing me, I think I already have had one on.
02:02:50.000 What?
02:02:51.000 Elon.
02:02:51.000 He's been on three times.
02:02:52.000 You think he's an alien?
02:02:53.000 Yeah.
02:02:54.000 Yeah, he's not one of us.
02:02:57.000 You think he's from another planet?
02:02:58.000 He's either one of us from the future, or he's from another planet.
02:03:03.000 You see him blink sideways or something?
02:03:05.000 There's just something about him.
02:03:06.000 He's too smart.
02:03:08.000 I liken our friendship to the intellectual equivalent of a boy and his dog.
02:03:13.000 What?
02:03:15.000 When I talk to him, I'm like, we're not the same thing.
02:03:18.000 He's so advanced.
02:03:19.000 He's running like four different world-changing industries simultaneously.
02:03:24.000 I mean, who the fuck else is running like an electric car business along with an internet satellite high-speed data business along with a revolutionary rocket business that could not just shoot rockets into space but have the rockets land.
02:03:40.000 They come back and land.
02:03:42.000 No one's been able to do that before.
02:03:44.000 This motherfucker's doing that while he's doing three other things.
02:03:46.000 And the boring...
02:03:47.000 Yeah, oh, and he's digging tunnels under cities and shooting cars through them to fix traffic.
02:03:51.000 Yeah.
02:03:52.000 He's running all these things simultaneously while he's making kids.
02:03:56.000 While he's making, like, nine kids.
02:03:57.000 Do you ever think that you're back from Massachusetts, that you'd be hanging out with a guy like that?
02:04:02.000 No.
02:04:03.000 Is it crazy?
02:04:03.000 Dude, I barely could imagine being a professional comic.
02:04:07.000 That was the goal.
02:04:08.000 When we were kids, the goal was, I mean, I started out with Fitzsimmons, and we did open mics together, we traveled together, and I remember we always would talk about the goal was to be a professional.
02:04:18.000 Imagine if we didn't have a job.
02:04:20.000 Imagine.
02:04:21.000 Because Greg back then was working for catering companies, so he would do catering.
02:04:25.000 You know, he'd like serve food for people.
02:04:27.000 And then he would go and do the open mic nights and shit like that.
02:04:30.000 And I was driving limos.
02:04:32.000 And in the beginning, I was teaching martial arts.
02:04:35.000 But I got to a point where I realized I could not teach the same way.
02:04:41.000 I was not fully invested in it.
02:04:43.000 And it felt wrong to me.
02:04:47.000 I wasn't giving them my all.
02:04:48.000 Yeah.
02:04:49.000 Because it was very important to me.
02:04:50.000 Because it was important to me as a kid when I had instructors that were really good.
02:04:55.000 So then when I started running a school and I realized that I wasn't all in anymore, I had to stop.
02:05:01.000 So I had to stop fighting, I had to stop teaching, and I had to really concentrate on comedy.
02:05:06.000 One of the things that this guy said to me, it was kind of a rude thing to say, but I knew he was right.
02:05:11.000 When we were like six months in, this kid, fucking Jonathan, I forget his last name, but he was one of the guys that I started out with.
02:05:19.000 And we were all open micers, and we were all just talking about comedy and this and that.
02:05:23.000 And he said to me, he goes, yeah, he goes, you started out really good.
02:05:26.000 He goes, but it seems like somewhere along the line you just started kind of coasting.
02:05:31.000 And I was like, ugh.
02:05:33.000 And I couldn't say anything.
02:05:34.000 I couldn't go, fuck you.
02:05:35.000 I was like, oh my god, he's right.
02:05:37.000 And I remember thinking that.
02:05:38.000 He's right.
02:05:39.000 He wasn't being mean.
02:05:41.000 He was just being honest.
02:05:42.000 And it hurt because it was accurate.
02:05:44.000 And he wasn't trying to be a dick either.
02:05:47.000 He was just telling me.
02:05:48.000 And I remember thinking, oh man, he's right.
02:05:52.000 And I immediately said, I have to quit.
02:05:55.000 I have to quit fighting.
02:05:56.000 I have to quit teaching.
02:05:57.000 I have to quit.
02:05:58.000 I've got to be all in on this comedy thing.
02:05:59.000 Yeah.
02:05:59.000 Comedy, you have to be married.
02:06:01.000 It has to be your lover.
02:06:02.000 You've got to be all in.
02:06:03.000 I remember you gave me the best advice ever.
02:06:05.000 You remember the first gig we ever did together?
02:06:07.000 What did I say?
02:06:08.000 Aku Aku.
02:06:08.000 Remember that?
02:06:09.000 Oh, yeah.
02:06:10.000 Dick Daugherty.
02:06:10.000 Comedy Hut.
02:06:11.000 The Comedy Hut.
02:06:12.000 Remember that?
02:06:12.000 Yeah.
02:06:13.000 It was in Cambridge.
02:06:14.000 What did I say?
02:06:15.000 I saw you do that comedy, the MTV thing, and you were my guy.
02:06:21.000 You are the guy that was like, that's comedy to me.
02:06:24.000 All this other seven-minute bullshit and evening, it was just garbage to me.
02:06:30.000 So I finally, Dick Doherty, you were coming to town.
02:06:33.000 And I was like, Dick, I want to work with Joe.
02:06:35.000 Please, please, please.
02:06:35.000 And he put me on the show with you.
02:06:36.000 And I ran up to you.
02:06:38.000 After the first show, and I was like, hey man, and you were so cool.
02:06:42.000 And I was like, hey man, can you please give me advice?
02:06:45.000 Like, what do I do?
02:06:46.000 Like, just give me a little advice.
02:06:47.000 And you're like, yeah, no fucking advice.
02:06:49.000 Don't take any advice from any comic ever.
02:06:51.000 Ever.
02:06:52.000 Just get on stage.
02:06:54.000 That's all you have to do.
02:06:55.000 Get on stage and become who you're going to become.
02:06:58.000 This business will shit you out or you'll be a comic.
02:07:00.000 And you'll figure out who you're supposed to be by getting on stage.
02:07:04.000 If I tell you what to do, you're going to be fucked.
02:07:07.000 Don't listen to anybody.
02:07:08.000 Just do stand-up.
02:07:10.000 That's all you told me.
02:07:11.000 And I was like, that was it.
02:07:13.000 Pretty solid advice.
02:07:14.000 Best advice I ever got.
02:07:15.000 I mean, really.
02:07:16.000 Best advice I ever got.
02:07:18.000 Well, I think I would revise that.
02:07:20.000 I would say people can give you advice.
02:07:22.000 They can give you advice on, like, economy of words.
02:07:25.000 They can give you advice on how to develop timing and how to not present your jokes.
02:07:32.000 Sure.
02:07:32.000 How to just kind of be yourself on stage.
02:07:34.000 As you get better, sure.
02:07:35.000 But as a young comic, just getting on, getting on stage was the key.
02:07:41.000 I think back then I was 24 or 25. You might have been 25. I think I was 23 or something.
02:07:47.000 Yeah.
02:07:47.000 How old are you now?
02:07:48.000 52. Yeah.
02:07:49.000 Okay.
02:07:49.000 Well, I'm 55. Okay.
02:07:51.000 So I was three years old.
02:07:51.000 Yeah.
02:07:52.000 Yeah.
02:07:52.000 So we were just kind of figuring it out.
02:07:55.000 And I was just becoming a pro back then.
02:07:58.000 That was when I was already living in New York and going back and forth to Boston.
02:08:03.000 Yeah.
02:08:03.000 And I was just legitimately becoming a headliner.
02:08:07.000 Yeah.
02:08:08.000 Yeah, you would go up and...
02:08:09.000 I mean, I remember we did it, the show, and I did great.
02:08:14.000 I thought I did great.
02:08:15.000 And you went up and you were like, what's up?
02:08:17.000 You had this, I don't know, intense...
02:08:20.000 It was over.
02:08:22.000 It was a different show.
02:08:23.000 I remember you just went up and you murdered at a Chinese restaurant in Cambridge.
02:08:28.000 Those are the best.
02:08:29.000 Those are the best days.
02:08:30.000 I loved those days.
02:08:31.000 Those days were fun.
02:08:33.000 No responsibility, no money.
02:08:35.000 No money.
02:08:35.000 No money.
02:08:36.000 It wasn't about money.
02:08:37.000 It wasn't about anything.
02:08:39.000 It was about getting on stage and getting laughs.
02:08:42.000 You're trying to become a professional.
02:08:43.000 The Kaloons, I remember that.
02:08:45.000 I mean my squad was Billy, Patrice, Dane, Gullman, Bob Marley.
02:08:53.000 Yeah, Bob Marley, the king of Maine.
02:08:55.000 The best.
02:08:56.000 He's the king.
02:08:56.000 You go to Maine, he sells out fucking multiple shows in theaters every night.
02:09:02.000 Yeah.
02:09:02.000 He's a killer.
02:09:03.000 And he's one of those guys who was in LA, got all the deals, and then sent him out.
02:09:08.000 I'm going to be happy.
02:09:10.000 I'm going to be happy.
02:09:11.000 Sold all his homes, bought a house in Maine, and then he just tours Maine, and he's one of the nicest guys.
02:09:16.000 He still tours occasionally other places.
02:09:18.000 Still one of the funniest guys.
02:09:20.000 Oh, he's fucking hilarious.
02:09:21.000 I was doing a show at Just for Laughs, and he rolled in at the end.
02:09:25.000 We were all killing.
02:09:26.000 3,000 people at that big gala.
02:09:28.000 He rolled in with a baseball hat.
02:09:30.000 You know, because we're all, you know, got our nice shirt.
02:09:33.000 Everybody's all dressed up for the gala.
02:09:35.000 He rolls in with a baseball hat and a stupid t-shirt.
02:09:38.000 Rolls in.
02:09:41.000 Doesn't swear.
02:09:42.000 Doesn't talk.
02:09:43.000 No dirty.
02:09:44.000 Just murders.
02:09:45.000 Just having fun.
02:09:46.000 Yeah.
02:09:46.000 I first met him.
02:09:48.000 I was doing a show in Bangor, Maine, and he did a guest set.
02:09:51.000 Yeah.
02:09:52.000 That was the first time I met him.
02:09:53.000 He's living in Maine.
02:09:54.000 I was like, who's this kid?
02:09:55.000 Some local kid wants to do a guest set?
02:09:57.000 So funny.
02:09:57.000 Fucking funny as shit.
02:09:59.000 Real fun and had all this local Maine humor and they were dying.
02:10:02.000 Yeah.
02:10:02.000 They loved it.
02:10:03.000 Yeah.
02:10:03.000 He was funny, man.
02:10:05.000 Still is.
02:10:05.000 Yeah, still is.
02:10:06.000 But occasionally we'll see him like at the Comedy Works in Denver.
02:10:09.000 He'll be on the schedule.
02:10:11.000 He gets out there.
02:10:12.000 He does get out there, yeah.
02:10:13.000 But he does.
02:10:14.000 He tours around.
02:10:14.000 I love him.
02:10:15.000 I love the idea of him just saying, forget about making it whatever that is.
02:10:22.000 Yeah.
02:10:22.000 I'm going to just have- Just be a normal person.
02:10:25.000 And do comedy.
02:10:26.000 Well, some people that were just so normal that the whole idea of sort of prostituting yourself for Hollywood just felt so gross to them.
02:10:35.000 They just couldn't take it for very long.
02:10:37.000 Yeah.
02:10:38.000 And they wound up Balin.
02:10:39.000 Yeah.
02:10:41.000 We all were tricked into thinking that the only way to be a professional comic was to get on television.
02:10:47.000 That was all anybody wanted you to do.
02:10:50.000 That was the holy grail, was to become Roseanne Barr, or to become Jerry Seinfeld, to have your own sitcom.
02:10:57.000 That was the thing.
02:10:57.000 So we all went out there, and you got integrated into this weird fucking system.
02:11:03.000 It just felt so...
02:11:05.000 The opposite of what we got in it to do.
02:11:08.000 What we got in it to do is to become Sam Kinison.
02:11:10.000 We got in it to become, like, those comics that we would want to go pay to see.
02:11:14.000 Yeah, I would always get fucked up going to LA, too, because I was...
02:11:18.000 You know, I've been skinny and fat my whole life.
02:11:21.000 And I would always be on one of my fats when I had to go to LA. And I felt like shit.
02:11:27.000 Because everybody's...
02:11:28.000 You know, I always just felt fucked up when I went out there.
02:11:31.000 Like, I was just not...
02:11:35.000 What I was supposed to be.
02:11:36.000 You know what I mean?
02:11:37.000 Because I felt like, you know, like you're supposed to look a certain way.
02:11:42.000 You're supposed to be a certain way physically.
02:11:44.000 Yeah.
02:11:45.000 And that's not what comedy, you know.
02:11:47.000 No.
02:11:48.000 Comedy, you can be whatever the fuck you want.
02:11:50.000 That's why I love Louie's special when I saw he had stains on his shirt on one of his specials.
02:11:55.000 I was like, he's just funny.
02:11:58.000 Yeah.
02:11:58.000 Well, he went back to that, right?
02:12:00.000 Remember when he was wearing suits for a while?
02:12:01.000 When?
02:12:02.000 Oh, yeah.
02:12:02.000 He wore a suit for like 2018, the special 2018. Yeah.
02:12:07.000 He wore a suit.
02:12:07.000 It was a great special, too.
02:12:08.000 It's a fucking great special.
02:12:10.000 And I remember talking to him at the store.
02:12:11.000 He's like, yeah, I like going on stage with suits.
02:12:13.000 I wear suits now.
02:12:14.000 You do suits now, right?
02:12:15.000 I occasionally do suits.
02:12:16.000 I started doing suits when I started doing shows with Chappelle.
02:12:19.000 Because Dave and I were doing these arenas.
02:12:21.000 And then one day I showed up with a suit.
02:12:24.000 He goes, Oh, we wearing suits now?
02:12:26.000 And then he started wearing suits.
02:12:28.000 He would wear suits occasionally.
02:12:29.000 And then I got David August to make me some custom suits when we were...
02:12:34.000 I'd done a few before with suits on.
02:12:37.000 But then we were doing the MGM. I did the arena.
02:12:42.000 And I did it with Brian Simpson, who's fucking brilliant.
02:12:45.000 Tony Hinchcliffe, who's fucking hysterical.
02:12:47.000 And this kid, Hans Kim, who's this up-and-coming kid who's a murderer.
02:12:50.000 He's so good.
02:12:52.000 He's fucking funny.
02:12:54.000 And you'll see him tonight.
02:12:55.000 You coming tonight?
02:12:55.000 We're doing a show tonight?
02:12:56.000 Yeah.
02:12:56.000 You'll see him tonight.
02:12:57.000 And Brian's on tonight, too.
02:12:59.000 Oh, great.
02:12:59.000 And so we were doing this.
02:13:01.000 It was a big deal.
02:13:02.000 We're going to headline the MGM Grand Arena.
02:13:03.000 I'm like, I'm getting everybody's suits.
02:13:05.000 So I got a custom tailor, came down, fitted everybody for suits.
02:13:09.000 And we all wore these fucking reservoir dog suits.
02:13:12.000 And we went up.
02:13:13.000 And I'm like, this is the shit.
02:13:15.000 It's fucking it was just exciting to like we got there got to the arena Spark up a joint put on the fucking music.
02:13:23.000 I brought like a big old bluetooth You know a speaker thing we crank up some fucking great tunes and we all fucking put our suits on we're ready to go to work.
02:13:32.000 We're fucking professionals I have a whole closet full of suits of different sizes.
02:13:38.000 My fifth fat, my fourth fat, my sixth fat.
02:13:41.000 Well, you look good, man.
02:13:43.000 You look like you're losing weight.
02:13:44.000 Yeah, I lost 70 pounds.
02:13:46.000 That's incredible.
02:13:46.000 I got the gastric sleeve surgery.
02:13:50.000 Do they reverse that?
02:13:51.000 Can they reverse that or is that like for life?
02:13:53.000 Well, there's three.
02:13:56.000 Dude, I was 350 pounds.
02:13:58.000 I believe you said it best.
02:14:01.000 I saw the one with you and Louie and Joe.
02:14:05.000 And you were like, Bobby ate himself into a shape.
02:14:12.000 Well, when I first met you, you were young and thin and good-looking.
02:14:15.000 I was gorgeous, but I remember I've met you twice.
02:14:17.000 That was so funny, too.
02:14:19.000 It was such a perfect description.
02:14:22.000 I met you at UFC 100, and you came out of the back.
02:14:27.000 You looked at me and go, what happened to you?
02:14:31.000 I was like, hey Joe, how you doing?
02:14:34.000 No, it's been an addiction for me since I was a kid.
02:14:38.000 It was my first addiction when I was a kid, was food.
02:14:42.000 I remember when my mom, I had an abusive stepdad for a while, five years.
02:14:49.000 And I had nobody.
02:14:51.000 And I remember I found food.
02:14:53.000 I would wake up in the morning and say goodbye to my mom in sixth grade, go out the front door, go around the back, crawl into the basement.
02:15:02.000 And in the corner of the basement, I had a little pillow and a blanket.
02:15:05.000 And I would just sit there all day.
02:15:07.000 And I would eat.
02:15:08.000 So you'd pretend you were going to school?
02:15:10.000 I'd pretend I was going to school because I was just so afraid.
02:15:12.000 I had no friends.
02:15:13.000 I had nobody and I was in a major depression and I didn't know it.
02:15:16.000 And I would sleep in the basement and I remember I would just eat food like, you know, Suzy Q's and ringdings and it just made me feel almost like a friend, you know?
02:15:29.000 You know, I just had a problem and I... I remember I got real big.
02:15:37.000 And then my sixth grade teacher, actually, Mr. DiPersio, got me into running.
02:15:43.000 It was like all of a sudden he became my dad.
02:15:46.000 You know, he kind of took me under his wing.
02:15:48.000 And we were at the Olympics.
02:15:50.000 Remember the sixth grade Olympics?
02:15:53.000 And it was just a horseshit thing.
02:15:54.000 But I remember we had to do the 440 all the way around the track.
02:15:58.000 And I remember he came up to me and goes, Kelly, you got to win.
02:16:00.000 I want you to win.
02:16:02.000 And I remember I was like, I'll win.
02:16:04.000 I'll fucking...
02:16:04.000 I just wanted somebody to fucking believe in me.
02:16:08.000 You know what I mean?
02:16:08.000 Yeah.
02:16:09.000 And I remember I was racing against this skinny black kid, fast as lightning.
02:16:13.000 And I remember we were running and I fucking won.
02:16:16.000 I remember I beat him.
02:16:18.000 Everything I had and I won.
02:16:20.000 And I just felt fantastic.
02:16:21.000 I started jogging.
02:16:22.000 I started doing marathons.
02:16:24.000 Wow.
02:16:26.000 But...
02:16:27.000 Then I got into drugs after that.
02:16:29.000 I found drugs very shortly after that in seventh grade.
02:16:35.000 And then I, of course, went to jail.
02:16:38.000 I think I went to jail the first time at 13. Jesus.
02:16:41.000 Yeah, that was terrible.
02:16:42.000 What did you go to jail for?
02:16:43.000 I'm on robbery, assault, and battery, and malicious destruction, trespassing, and breaking probation.
02:16:48.000 Holy shit!
02:16:49.000 Breaking probation at 13?
02:16:51.000 You were on probation?
02:16:52.000 I was on probation at 12. Oh my god, for what?
02:16:56.000 I robbed a canteen truck.
02:16:59.000 Of cigarettes and fucking, I think, Twinkies.
02:17:03.000 Wow.
02:17:04.000 So I got on probation for that.
02:17:05.000 And then, yeah, it was terrible.
02:17:07.000 The first, I remember that we went to jail at 13. Yeah.
02:17:11.000 My bail was, I think, 10 bucks.
02:17:15.000 And my mother didn't pay it.
02:17:18.000 Because the judge said, she said, what do I do?
02:17:20.000 And he was like, let him go through the system.
02:17:25.000 Let him go.
02:17:26.000 And my mother listened to him.
02:17:29.000 Oh my God.
02:17:29.000 Yeah, it was bad because I remember I was in the jail cell, Somerville Courthouse.
02:17:34.000 The jail cell's downstairs.
02:17:36.000 The regular prisoners and the juvies stay downstairs.
02:17:38.000 So I had my own jail cell.
02:17:40.000 And I remember, I was looking at it like, pay the fucking money.
02:17:45.000 Because all my friends' moms paid.
02:17:48.000 And they got out.
02:17:50.000 They got out and I went, they take you downstairs and she came down.
02:17:55.000 And I just, I walked up to her and I was just crying.
02:17:58.000 And she was like, Bobby, she's crying.
02:18:00.000 I'm so sorry.
02:18:02.000 You know, blah, blah, blah.
02:18:03.000 And I just turned around and started doing push-ups.
02:18:06.000 And then they came and got me and they throw you in the van.
02:18:10.000 The regular prisoners would be in the back of the van and the juvies are in the front behind the drivers on a bench.
02:18:15.000 And I just remember the real prisoners just, hey, little bitch.
02:18:18.000 You know, just, I was shitting my pants.
02:18:21.000 And they take you up to Danvers State Hospital.
02:18:24.000 Danvers State gave, there's a, the morgue, they gave to the detention, the juvenile detention.
02:18:33.000 So you go up there, it's called intake.
02:18:35.000 And you get up there and there's a bunch of other kids.
02:18:39.000 They strip search you and you got to get naked and do jumping jacks.
02:18:42.000 I'm 13. You got to bend over.
02:18:44.000 It was embarrassing.
02:18:44.000 It was terrible.
02:18:45.000 You go into this room and there's all these other kids of all nationalities just in this room watching this one TV. I remember they came in with a box of deli sandwiches.
02:18:56.000 And chocolate milk.
02:18:57.000 And everybody ran over and grabbed, and you grab a sandwich, and they had these purple onions on top, these wet onions, because I think they were old sandwiches that they would donate to the Juvies.
02:19:08.000 And they all took them and threw it on the ceiling.
02:19:10.000 And I looked up on the ceiling, and it was just years of onions on the ceiling.
02:19:15.000 It was fucking...
02:19:17.000 Terrifying.
02:19:17.000 And then the kid comes up.
02:19:19.000 He's like, hey man, when they call you out, ask them where you're going.
02:19:24.000 And if they don't tell you, it's somewhere bad.
02:19:26.000 If they tell you, it's somewhere good.
02:19:29.000 So they're like, Kelly, I went out.
02:19:30.000 They start shackling me.
02:19:32.000 And they handcuffed me.
02:19:33.000 And I'm like, where am I going?
02:19:34.000 And he just looked at me and he shook his head.
02:19:36.000 And they shackled me to two other 18-year-olds.
02:19:40.000 I was 13. And they took me to the Charlestown Y. So the Charlestown Y, the bottom floor was the Y, but the top floor was a juvenile lockup.
02:19:50.000 So you had to go through the gym, go upstairs, and they take you into this room.
02:19:55.000 And again, I got strip searched.
02:19:57.000 I had to get naked.
02:19:58.000 You go, and then you have to take a shower.
02:20:00.000 I was 13. I had a little pecker.
02:20:02.000 I think I had like, you know, four pubes.
02:20:04.000 And I'm showering with these 18-year-olds next to me.
02:20:07.000 I was scared shit.
02:20:10.000 That night, some kid got a pencil in his eye from another kid.
02:20:15.000 And then you go into this room with just bunk beds.
02:20:19.000 Steel bunk beds filled in the room and the highway I don't remember the Charlestown Y the highway with 93 was right there So it's just cars like as close as me and you were just whipping by on the highway all night long and Yeah, I went to jail and they from there you just go to another jail another jail I think it was till I was 15 I was going in and out of juvie jails and foster homes and Jesus Christ.
02:20:45.000 Because once you're in, you're in.
02:20:47.000 So if your mom had just paid that 10 bucks, you would have never been in?
02:20:50.000 I'd probably be dead.
02:20:52.000 Really?
02:20:52.000 I'd probably be in jail, jail.
02:20:53.000 Real jail.
02:20:54.000 That saved me.
02:20:56.000 And, you know, there's that thing where it's like, I don't know if you've heard that thing where, you know, you don't know, is it good or bad?
02:21:02.000 I don't know yet.
02:21:04.000 You don't know if something's good or bad yet.
02:21:06.000 You gotta wait.
02:21:07.000 You know, you think something's terrible, right?
02:21:10.000 But you don't know.
02:21:11.000 It could be good.
02:21:12.000 You just don't know yet.
02:21:13.000 It feels like shit, and it felt like shit.
02:21:16.000 But if she didn't do that, I wouldn't have got sober.
02:21:18.000 I got sober at 15, right?
02:21:20.000 I went to a place called the Road Back.
02:21:22.000 I got arrested again, upstate New York.
02:21:25.000 They shipped me back to Boston because I was a ward of the state.
02:21:28.000 You're owned by Massachusetts.
02:21:31.000 So they shipped me back down.
02:21:32.000 I went back to jail.
02:21:34.000 And then I finally realized, like, look, drugs and alcohol, it's not people, places, and things.
02:21:40.000 It's my drinking.
02:21:41.000 It's my drugs.
02:21:43.000 I go, I need to go somewhere.
02:21:44.000 What drugs?
02:21:45.000 Everything.
02:21:46.000 I did everything.
02:21:47.000 Anything you put in front of me.
02:21:48.000 I wasn't doing drugs because I like drugs.
02:21:51.000 I was doing drugs because I didn't want to be alone anymore.
02:21:53.000 I didn't want to go back to that basement by myself.
02:21:57.000 You know what I mean?
02:21:58.000 I didn't want to be that anymore.
02:22:00.000 That was terrifying to me.
02:22:02.000 So, if I had to do drugs or I had to drink...
02:22:05.000 I would do whatever the fuck it took to have friends, you know, to have a group of people to belong, because I didn't have anybody.
02:22:14.000 So these kids, you know, I got to the point where we would move around.
02:22:19.000 Like, I'd get out of the jail, I'd go to a foster home, and then I would go home from there, and my parents were somewhere else.
02:22:26.000 Like, they were in Spencerport, New York.
02:22:28.000 They were in Ben Salem, Pennsylvania.
02:22:32.000 And what I would do is I'd go on the first day of school, and I would get into trouble, go to detention, because those are my kids.
02:22:39.000 So I'd get in trouble, go to detention, and I'd always have weed.
02:22:43.000 I'd always have a couple joints.
02:22:45.000 And as soon as I got to detention, I'd lean over to the toughest-looking kid.
02:22:48.000 I'd be like, you want to smoke some weed?
02:22:50.000 Friends.
02:22:51.000 Immediate friends.
02:22:52.000 Yeah, sure.
02:22:53.000 We'd smoke weed and those are my guys.
02:22:55.000 And then I'd hang up with them for the duration until in Bent Salem I wound up running away and getting arrested again.
02:23:03.000 And then in, what was it?
02:23:05.000 Spencerport, New York was the last time.
02:23:07.000 I got drunk.
02:23:08.000 We fucking stole gumball machines.
02:23:11.000 I went to jail for gumball machines.
02:23:13.000 It was stupid.
02:23:15.000 It was terrible because, you know, I mean, I drank a half a bottle of scotch I drank a bunch of beers and we did whippets.
02:23:24.000 And they were like, I want these gumball machines.
02:23:27.000 So I just took them and smashed them.
02:23:29.000 And the cops came.
02:23:30.000 I remember I was running from the cops down the railroad tracks.
02:23:33.000 I hopped the fence.
02:23:35.000 And as soon as I hopped the fence, there was a shotgun right in my face.
02:23:38.000 And the guy made me get down the cop.
02:23:40.000 He's like, freeze, get down the ground.
02:23:41.000 And he goes, if he moves, shoot him.
02:23:44.000 I was like, it was gum.
02:23:46.000 Oh my God.
02:23:47.000 They took me to jail up there.
02:23:49.000 And that was the worst jail ever.
02:23:51.000 Rochester, New York was the worst jail I've ever been in.
02:23:53.000 And, you know, they put me in a room.
02:23:56.000 And that was the first time I literally asked for help.
02:23:59.000 I was just like, help me.
02:24:02.000 Please, just help me.
02:24:03.000 I'm done.
02:24:04.000 I know it's drugs.
02:24:06.000 I know it's alcohol.
02:24:07.000 Please help me get help.
02:24:09.000 I need it.
02:24:10.000 I just gave up.
02:24:12.000 I gave up.
02:24:13.000 The first time I was like, this is it.
02:24:16.000 And then I went to jail to Boston.
02:24:20.000 They flew me on a plane.
02:24:21.000 Remember I was smoking on the plane?
02:24:23.000 Wow.
02:24:24.000 I asked the flight attendant, can you give me a light?
02:24:25.000 She just got me a light and I lit up on the fucking plane.
02:24:28.000 Because you could smoke on planes.
02:24:29.000 Smoke on planes.
02:24:30.000 I was 15. Wow.
02:24:31.000 And right when I got off the plane, there was two state troopers waiting for me, and they handcuffed me, took me to jail.
02:24:37.000 And then I met this guy in NFI Shelter Care, was this Yitzhak.
02:24:45.000 His name is Yitzhak.
02:24:46.000 He developed this system for juveniles that it was called open door setting, normalization.
02:24:55.000 There was no locks on the doors at NFI. There was no, you know, guards, really.
02:25:00.000 They had people there at night, but you could run.
02:25:03.000 You could leave.
02:25:04.000 Walk right out the fucking door.
02:25:06.000 But they incentivized you.
02:25:08.000 30 days, you got steak.
02:25:11.000 60 days without a run, lobster dinners.
02:25:14.000 They gave you responsibility as a kid.
02:25:17.000 And we all kind of formed together to kind of keep each other in check to receive these benefits.
02:25:25.000 And they gave you, you know, help.
02:25:27.000 You know, they talked to you.
02:25:29.000 Instead of these other places, you just went in and did your time.
02:25:32.000 This place was all on you.
02:25:34.000 We had school.
02:25:36.000 They took us to the beach.
02:25:38.000 I remember they took all these juvies.
02:25:40.000 We'd load up in a van and go to Gloucester, a wing-a-chic peach, and we'd just sit on the beach and have fun.
02:25:47.000 They gave you these incentivized things to not leave.
02:25:51.000 And then the guy came up to me.
02:25:53.000 He's like, you can go to rehab.
02:25:54.000 We got you set up.
02:25:55.000 You can go to six months, co-ed, or you can go to a year, all boys.
02:26:01.000 And I was like, what do I do?
02:26:03.000 He's like, knowing you, you're all boys.
02:26:06.000 If you go with his girls, you'll fuck up.
02:26:08.000 You'll fuck up.
02:26:09.000 You'll try to bang the chicks.
02:26:11.000 You'll try to have sex.
02:26:12.000 And you'll fuck it up.
02:26:13.000 So I did.
02:26:14.000 I listened.
02:26:15.000 I was like, okay.
02:26:16.000 And I went to the road back.
02:26:18.000 It was a house.
02:26:19.000 Again, normalization.
02:26:20.000 No bars.
02:26:21.000 No nothing.
02:26:22.000 I showed up.
02:26:23.000 And I was sitting in this room.
02:26:25.000 This guy, Tom Tompkins, used to be, had a lot of money.
02:26:29.000 His wife was a famous opera singer.
02:26:32.000 He was in show business.
02:26:34.000 And he lost it all from alcoholism and drugs.
02:26:37.000 So he started this house called The Road Back.
02:26:41.000 And I remember I was sitting there, petrified, and all of a sudden, he comes down, there's all the staff, and there's this one kid fucking being, fuck this place, I don't want to fucking be here, fuck this, I want the fuck out, screaming and yelling, and he came down the stairs,
02:26:57.000 old dude, gray beard, psoriasis, he had a misty cigarette, you know, those little slim and sassy, just smoking it, and he came down, He goes, where's this fucking fuck up?
02:27:10.000 Where's this cocksucker that wants to leave?
02:27:13.000 The kid's like, me.
02:27:14.000 He's like, you want to fucking leave?
02:27:15.000 You want to get the fuck out of here?
02:27:17.000 Get the fuck out.
02:27:18.000 There's the door, you fucking pussy.
02:27:20.000 One of the counselors, the new counselors, was like, hey, maybe we shouldn't.
02:27:23.000 He goes, fuck you, you're fired.
02:27:25.000 Get the fuck out.
02:27:28.000 He goes, you want to go?
02:27:29.000 Fucking leave.
02:27:30.000 There's the fucking door.
02:27:31.000 Okay?
02:27:31.000 I'm trying to save your life, you little fuckhead.
02:27:34.000 I'm trying to save your life.
02:27:36.000 If you want to fucking live, stay here and shut the fuck up.
02:27:40.000 If you want to leave, get the fuck out.
02:27:42.000 But I care about you and I don't want you to fucking die.
02:27:46.000 And the kid starts crying.
02:27:49.000 And he's like, yeah, okay.
02:27:51.000 Are you staying or leaving?
02:27:52.000 He goes, I'm going to stay.
02:27:52.000 He goes, great.
02:27:53.000 I'm glad you're staying because you're going to save your life now.
02:27:57.000 And then he goes, where's Kelly?
02:27:59.000 I'm like, right here?
02:28:00.000 And he goes, meet me upstairs.
02:28:02.000 And I went upstairs.
02:28:04.000 The sweetest human being I've ever met.
02:28:07.000 I mean, he just saved my life, this guy.
02:28:11.000 He was the best person I've ever met in my life.
02:28:14.000 He used to take us to his house to build entertainment systems.
02:28:20.000 And he would fucking give us Elio's pizzas.
02:28:23.000 And little cakes and shit.
02:28:25.000 I thought he was trying to fuck me.
02:28:27.000 You know what I mean?
02:28:29.000 Because every once in a while, these kids would just take off in the van.
02:28:33.000 I'm like, Kelly, come on, let's go.
02:28:34.000 I'm like, I gotta fucking suck this guy's dick now.
02:28:37.000 Fuck!
02:28:38.000 Fuck!
02:28:39.000 I'm gonna have to blow this old guy in his house for cakes and pizza?
02:28:45.000 You know what I mean?
02:28:47.000 But he didn't.
02:28:48.000 He was just fucking wanted us to get better.
02:28:52.000 I remember he gave me all, he would give us old clothes.
02:28:55.000 He had cashmere sweaters.
02:28:56.000 I didn't even know what the fuck that was.
02:28:58.000 He had all these clothes from when he was rich that he would give us.
02:29:02.000 Because we had no clothes.
02:29:03.000 We had no money.
02:29:03.000 We had nothing.
02:29:05.000 So you'd go on to AA meetings.
02:29:07.000 So a year, 14 months of my life, I was in this place.
02:29:11.000 Where I was going to meetings, I was going to groups, and I was learning about my addiction.
02:29:19.000 Learning about...
02:29:21.000 What the fuck was my problem?
02:29:23.000 Learning to love myself.
02:29:25.000 Learning to care about myself.
02:29:27.000 And I remember when I got out, I was petrified.
02:29:32.000 The first day out, 14 months later, I haven't seen my family for over a year.
02:29:38.000 And I got out and I asked the guy, I go, what do I do?
02:29:42.000 He goes, go to a meeting far enough away where you can't walk home.
02:29:48.000 Get a ride there, but don't get a ride home.
02:29:51.000 So I did that, and I went to a meeting, a young people's meeting, and they dropped me off, I got the meeting, and I kept asking people right away, can you give me a ride?
02:30:01.000 No.
02:30:02.000 Can you give me a ride?
02:30:02.000 No.
02:30:03.000 All of a sudden, this dude, Mark Caesar, long-haired dude, sleeves, chains, rock and roll dude, walks in.
02:30:09.000 I remember him from coming to do meetings at the place.
02:30:13.000 I go, can you give me a ride?
02:30:14.000 And he was like, fucking sure, no fuck, come on, let's go.
02:30:17.000 He went over to the piano, started playing all these chicks around him, I was like, what the fuck?
02:30:23.000 Then we went to a Bickford's and we talked about spirituality.
02:30:27.000 We talked about program all night till like two in the morning with these hot chicks and ham and he was this rock dude from Berkeley and he became my friend, you know, and we wound up going to meetings every night and I got sober and I got my shit together and And he's still my friend to this day.
02:30:47.000 He's still one of the funniest guys I've ever met.
02:30:49.000 We used to go to AA dances, dude.
02:30:51.000 In like church basements on Fridays and Saturdays.
02:30:54.000 And just go down and, you know, always close on Stairway to Heaven and you get some chick two months out of rehab.
02:31:01.000 She's still fucking shaking and you just...
02:31:04.000 Dance, you know what I mean?
02:31:05.000 Yeah.
02:31:06.000 Yeah, it was I mean it saved my life that place and the NFI shelter care Giving me the responsibility and the respect as a human being to make a choice and then this road back You know Tom Tompkins this where he used to call me content because if you fell a bunch of little cunts would fall out of your head Because all I thought about was chicks You know what I mean?
02:31:27.000 Yeah.
02:31:28.000 Yeah, I remember there was this girl in the program.
02:31:30.000 This is saddest shit ever.
02:31:31.000 This is when I first saw comedy, too.
02:31:35.000 This chick, this blonde chick, she had beautiful hay hair, just gorgeous in the meetings.
02:31:40.000 And I could never talk to her.
02:31:41.000 We just would say hi, and we had this thing.
02:31:44.000 I get out, they have this thing called IKIPA. It's called the International Conference of Young People in AA, where thousands of young people in AA would converge on one town, and it was Boston.
02:31:57.000 The year I got out, it was Boston, at the Park Plaza Hotel, right?
02:32:02.000 So it's all young people trying to get sober.
02:32:06.000 And I remember we all got hotel rooms and I went there and they did a sobriety count, dude.
02:32:12.000 Thousands of people in the room all the way down to one day.
02:32:17.000 It was like fucking, you know, 60 years.
02:32:20.000 You know, all these people had these 20, 30, 10...
02:32:24.000 A week down to one day and there was like this one girl that had one day and the place just...
02:32:30.000 It was erupting.
02:32:33.000 And I remember I saw that girl from the rehab and I went up to her and I was like, oh my god, what's going on?
02:32:40.000 I was like, I can finally be, you know, talk to you.
02:32:43.000 And she was like, yeah, yeah, we should hang out.
02:32:45.000 And I was like, yeah, definitely, we'll hang out later.
02:32:47.000 There's a comedy show if you want to go.
02:32:50.000 And she's like, yeah, sure, meet me later.
02:32:53.000 And I remember I gave her this red balloon.
02:32:56.000 I was like, here, this is for you.
02:32:57.000 Because I didn't know how to pick up chicks anymore.
02:32:59.000 Like, I cleaned the slate.
02:33:01.000 Like, when I was drinking, I could pick up girls.
02:33:03.000 When I became sober, I was fucked.
02:33:05.000 You know, I started talking about one day at a time.
02:33:07.000 And, you know, you just got to accept life on life's terms, you know?
02:33:12.000 Right.
02:33:12.000 So, chicks don't want to hear that shit, right?
02:33:14.000 So, I remember I gave her the balloon.
02:33:16.000 And then I saw her walking with the balloon.
02:33:18.000 And I followed her.
02:33:19.000 And she went in an elevator with some dude, and I remember I went up, I saw the floor, and I went up to the floor.
02:33:25.000 I wanted to go to the comedy show.
02:33:27.000 It was starting.
02:33:27.000 So I went down the hallway, and the balloon was in front of a door.
02:33:31.000 And I walked up to the door and I just heard her getting blasted out by some dude.
02:33:35.000 So sad.
02:33:36.000 I took the balloon.
02:33:37.000 I just walked back down the hallway.
02:33:40.000 And I remember I went to the comedy show and I sat up front and there was these two guys there and they were fucking, man.
02:33:49.000 I was just like, oh my God.
02:33:51.000 This is nuts.
02:33:53.000 I was dying laughing.
02:33:55.000 How old were you?
02:33:56.000 I had to be like 17. 17. I was probably 16 or 17. And I remember I reached up.
02:34:07.000 The guy said, thank you, goodnight.
02:34:09.000 And I reached up and the guy reached down and touched my hand.
02:34:12.000 And I was like, he fucking touched me.
02:34:15.000 That's why I always take a picture.
02:34:17.000 I'll always shake somebody's hand after a show.
02:34:20.000 You know what I mean?
02:34:22.000 I'll always do that.
02:34:23.000 Because that fucking affected me so much.
02:34:28.000 Seeing that show took me out of that shit.
02:34:31.000 I was just holding a red balloon about to kill myself and drink again.
02:34:36.000 And that show lit my world up.
02:34:40.000 And I went to a meeting after that.
02:34:42.000 I was fucking great.
02:34:43.000 I was solid after that.
02:34:45.000 Wow.
02:34:45.000 And when did you go on stage first?
02:34:48.000 I went on stage...
02:34:49.000 Were you thinking about it after that show?
02:34:50.000 I was thinking about it constantly.
02:34:52.000 Before that show or only after that show?
02:34:54.000 After that show.
02:34:55.000 I actually went to school.
02:34:57.000 I was in high school.
02:35:00.000 I went back to high school and then I got a scholarship to Bunker Hill Community College for art.
02:35:12.000 I was going to be an art teacher.
02:35:14.000 So I went, you know, my art teacher in high school was just awesome, the two of them.
02:35:19.000 And again, my whole life I always thought somebody was trying to fuck me.
02:35:22.000 You know, it was this hot chick and this old gay guy and I was like, ah, they want to fuck me.
02:35:25.000 You know what I mean?
02:35:26.000 Because they'll come to lunch with us.
02:35:27.000 I'm like, I've got to blow them with these people and fucking eat her out somewhere on a Cadillac.
02:35:33.000 But they were just nice, you know?
02:35:34.000 Because I was abused my whole life.
02:35:36.000 I was just fucked by people my whole life.
02:35:39.000 They got me the scholarship, and I went to Bunk Hill Community College for fine art, and I was taking all the shit.
02:35:45.000 And then I did an acting class, and they had a talent show.
02:35:52.000 And I remember me and this kid, Aldo Benny, were in the acting class together.
02:35:56.000 And I was like, let's do sketch comedy.
02:35:59.000 Let's do sketches and improv.
02:36:01.000 Because a friend of mine did improv.
02:36:02.000 We can do this.
02:36:03.000 And we had these other two guys in there.
02:36:05.000 And then he was like, I have a friend who happened to be Dane.
02:36:09.000 He could do it too.
02:36:10.000 So he came in, auditioned.
02:36:11.000 I remember auditioning Dane.
02:36:13.000 I gave his start, by the way.
02:36:14.000 And he came in audition.
02:36:16.000 I was like, fuck, he's great.
02:36:17.000 And we went and did this talent show.
02:36:19.000 We did sketches, two sketches and an improv.
02:36:23.000 And I remember we did the first sketch and we fucking killed.
02:36:27.000 I remember getting the first laugh.
02:36:29.000 Like the place erupted.
02:36:31.000 And we had to go behind the curtain.
02:36:32.000 I'm like, what the fuck is this?
02:36:34.000 What the fuck was that?
02:36:38.000 Like, they're still fucking laughing.
02:36:40.000 And we had to go back out and we did the thing.
02:36:42.000 And I went back.
02:36:43.000 I remember saying, I'm doing this.
02:36:45.000 I was like, I'm doing this.
02:36:47.000 We're doing this.
02:36:48.000 Fuck this.
02:36:49.000 I quit school.
02:36:50.000 Quit school.
02:36:51.000 I started booking that group like at comedy shows.
02:36:55.000 I started calling clubs and places and be like, we're a group, and we started doing this improv shit.
02:37:00.000 You know, we'd go in and do sketches, and it was the worst improv ever, too.
02:37:04.000 It was like, if something worked, we'd just do it the next week, because nobody fucking knew.
02:37:08.000 But that's how I got started, man.
02:37:10.000 Wow.
02:37:11.000 Yeah.
02:37:11.000 What year was this?
02:37:13.000 Oh, this had to be...
02:37:15.000 I don't know.
02:37:16.000 I don't know.
02:37:17.000 I don't fucking know.
02:37:18.000 I had to be 20-something, so it was early 90s.
02:37:21.000 Early 90s.
02:37:23.000 So that was right when I met you was when you were with Al.
02:37:26.000 Yeah.
02:37:26.000 Because it was Al and the Monkees.
02:37:27.000 Yeah.
02:37:29.000 Al and the Monkees.
02:37:29.000 Yeah.
02:37:30.000 The worst improv group ever, but the funniest motherfuckers around.
02:37:33.000 The comics hated us.
02:37:35.000 What comics hated you?
02:37:37.000 Because we would go in and fucking murder.
02:37:39.000 Who hated you?
02:37:40.000 Everybody.
02:37:41.000 I didn't hate you.
02:37:42.000 No, no, you.
02:37:42.000 You weren't there.
02:37:43.000 You were doing your thing, but other...
02:37:46.000 You mean like at open mic nights?
02:37:48.000 No, like at the clubs, the stand-ups, because they would have to follow us on a show, and we would go up and just shred it as a group.
02:37:58.000 You know?
02:37:58.000 And they didn't like that?
02:37:59.000 Remember the BCN Comedy Riot?
02:38:02.000 Sure.
02:38:02.000 Okay.
02:38:03.000 So we were killing it.
02:38:05.000 We're fucking murdering it.
02:38:06.000 All of a sudden we get in the BCN Comedy Riot, the first comedy improv group, sketch group to ever get in.
02:38:12.000 It was all stand-ups.
02:38:13.000 It was the biggest comedy competition in the world at that time.
02:38:17.000 Okay?
02:38:18.000 Amateur comedy competition.
02:38:20.000 So we got in it as a group.
02:38:22.000 And I remember we went in to BCN. Remember how big BCN was?
02:38:28.000 Mark Parenta.
02:38:29.000 Sure.
02:38:29.000 Okay?
02:38:31.000 He brought us in.
02:38:33.000 And we went in to BCN. And we were on the radio.
02:38:36.000 Because he loved us.
02:38:38.000 The first round, he was like, I love these Al and the Monkees.
02:38:40.000 These Al and the Monkees.
02:38:41.000 He brought us in.
02:38:42.000 We fucking killed on BCN. And this was actually a case where he did want to fuck us.
02:38:48.000 By the way.
02:38:49.000 Mark, yeah.
02:38:49.000 That was actually...
02:38:51.000 My instincts were right on that one.
02:38:54.000 Well, he got in trouble for that, right?
02:38:56.000 Oh, yeah.
02:38:57.000 Yeah.
02:38:58.000 Didn't he get kicked off the air for that?
02:38:59.000 Like, lost his job?
02:39:00.000 Yeah, he was gone by then, but I think he was in D.C., and then he...
02:39:04.000 Yeah, I think he was giving kids Sony Playstations.
02:39:08.000 Which is...
02:39:09.000 I mean, that's...
02:39:10.000 Solid deal.
02:39:11.000 Solid deal, man.
02:39:12.000 I mean, it's not an Atari.
02:39:15.000 You know what I mean?
02:39:17.000 Yeah, but I remember we won that competition, and the winners got to play the BCN Comedy Riot.
02:39:26.000 I mean, the BCN Rock of Boston.
02:39:30.000 It's always been at the Paradise, which is 600 people.
02:39:33.000 It's great.
02:39:34.000 They switched it that year to the Garden.
02:39:37.000 But we're so cocky and we're so fucking full of ourselves that we're like, yeah, we'll do it.
02:39:44.000 Let's go.
02:39:44.000 We didn't even think about it.
02:39:46.000 We don't understand it.
02:39:47.000 You know, we're doing sketch comedy and improv.
02:39:49.000 There's 14,000 people showing up.
02:39:53.000 Oh, my God.
02:39:54.000 We just show up at the garden.
02:39:56.000 We're hanging with the spin doctors.
02:39:58.000 Our dressing room is the girls' bathroom.
02:40:01.000 So all the girls have to come to our bathroom to pee, and that's our dressing room.
02:40:06.000 What?
02:40:07.000 Fish was the headliner.
02:40:09.000 They put us in between Fish.
02:40:11.000 No, the spin doctors went up.
02:40:14.000 Little Miss, Little Miss, can't be wrong.
02:40:15.000 At the heat of that.
02:40:18.000 And right before Fish, which is fucking nuts.
02:40:22.000 We were going up to do sketches and improv.
02:40:25.000 How much time did you guys do?
02:40:27.000 We had to do 15 minutes, and they brought us out in front of 14,000 people.
02:40:31.000 We all had, ugh, I think it was Dane's idea, we all had different colored shirts.
02:40:35.000 So we looked like, you know, a boy band.
02:40:39.000 And we all squatted down, and then when they announced us, we jumped up and spun to the crowd.
02:40:47.000 We just went, what's up?
02:40:49.000 Dude, it went bad so fast.
02:40:53.000 Billy Burr was actually in the crowd.
02:40:54.000 He went to see the show.
02:40:56.000 He was there.
02:40:57.000 It was terrible.
02:40:59.000 It went bad so fast.
02:41:00.000 I remember we were doing a skit and I remember there was one dude in the front, keep going!
02:41:07.000 Keep going!
02:41:08.000 He was like, I love it!
02:41:10.000 And we had to do an improv.
02:41:12.000 We did a sketch.
02:41:13.000 It bombed.
02:41:15.000 It bombed.
02:41:15.000 You could hear rustling.
02:41:17.000 Just nuts.
02:41:18.000 It was so bad.
02:41:19.000 I wound up taking my shirt off.
02:41:21.000 I was in shape at that time.
02:41:23.000 And I was like, listen, people, we know you didn't come here to see comedy.
02:41:28.000 You came here to see the spin doctors.
02:41:30.000 Wah!
02:41:31.000 You want to see fish!
02:41:34.000 We're going to leave in a second, but give us three things that piss you off for our improv.
02:41:40.000 Just fucking shoes and lighters started coming to the States.
02:41:43.000 They started singing, hey, goodbye, just grew and grew and grew.
02:41:51.000 We had to walk off stage, go to the back, people were staring at us.
02:41:56.000 I just sat there devastated.
02:41:59.000 It was so bad.
02:42:00.000 Is that your first time bombing?
02:42:01.000 Dude, it was my first time bombing, but my first time epically bombing.
02:42:06.000 In front of 14,000 people.
02:42:07.000 The comedy world knew before we knew that we bombed.
02:42:12.000 You know what I mean?
02:42:13.000 Like, we were the motherfuckers.
02:42:15.000 And we were that in a second.
02:42:19.000 I mean, Al and Dane left me.
02:42:21.000 They were supposed to pick me up up front.
02:42:23.000 I'm standing up front waiting for them to pick me out.
02:42:25.000 As the concert lets out, I'm by a payphone going, where the fuck are you guys?
02:42:29.000 They're like, oh, we went home.
02:42:31.000 They left me.
02:42:32.000 I'd have my uncle to come pick me up.
02:42:34.000 People just walking by pointing at me like, there he is.
02:42:37.000 That's him.
02:42:38.000 Yeah, it was terrifying.
02:42:39.000 It was deadly.
02:42:40.000 I thought my career was over.
02:42:42.000 Wow.
02:42:42.000 Done.
02:42:42.000 Before it began.
02:42:43.000 Before it began.
02:42:44.000 That's what I said.
02:42:45.000 I was like, fuck this group shit.
02:42:46.000 How much time had you been doing stand-up for back then?
02:42:49.000 Like a year.
02:42:49.000 A year and a half, maybe?
02:42:50.000 So when I met you and you were with Al and the Monkees, that was around that time.
02:42:56.000 It's probably after that, and we started doing stand-up.
02:43:00.000 We were like, we all got to do stand-up.
02:43:01.000 We all got to go on our own, do some stand-up.
02:43:04.000 Well, what you guys were doing when I met you is you would do sketches, and then you would each do like five minutes of stand-up.
02:43:10.000 That's what we started doing after.
02:43:11.000 Yeah.
02:43:12.000 So that we would open with ten minutes or five minutes each, and then do sketches.
02:43:16.000 Yeah.
02:43:18.000 Because we had to just go.
02:43:19.000 You were doing sketches first and stand-up last when I worked with you.
02:43:23.000 Maybe.
02:43:23.000 Yeah, maybe we did.
02:43:24.000 I remember because I remember Dane would always go over his time.
02:43:27.000 Because he was supposed to do like...
02:43:28.000 I remember, you know, he was supposed to do X amount of minutes.
02:43:31.000 I remember what it was.
02:43:32.000 But I remember, when is this motherfucker getting off stage?
02:43:34.000 Yeah.
02:43:34.000 Because I was headlining.
02:43:35.000 Yeah.
02:43:36.000 Yeah.
02:43:36.000 Yeah, I remember that.
02:43:37.000 I don't remember people not liking you guys, though.
02:43:40.000 No, they liked us in small groups, but not out of 14,000 people.
02:43:44.000 No, but I mean comics.
02:43:45.000 I mean, I don't remember comics not liking you.
02:43:47.000 I don't remember that.
02:43:48.000 Yeah, they kind of just didn't like the fact that we would come in as a group.
02:43:52.000 Do you remember Cato and Morin?
02:43:54.000 Who's that?
02:43:55.000 They were a group two.
02:43:57.000 Steve Cato and...
02:43:58.000 Chris Zito, right?
02:44:00.000 No?
02:44:00.000 No, no, no.
02:44:00.000 He was a different guy.
02:44:01.000 Zito was a different guy on his own who went on to be like a radio DJ. Yeah, yeah.
02:44:06.000 He's in Springfield.
02:44:07.000 Good guy.
02:44:07.000 Yeah.
02:44:07.000 Yeah.
02:44:08.000 Yeah.
02:44:09.000 Cato and Morin were like two guys.
02:44:11.000 Like one guy.
02:44:13.000 There was like a smaller guy and a big guy.
02:44:16.000 Yeah.
02:44:17.000 And they were a comedy group too.
02:44:18.000 I do remember them, vaguely.
02:44:20.000 I do.
02:44:20.000 I remember they got a lot of shit.
02:44:21.000 Yep.
02:44:22.000 And I think they branched off.
02:44:25.000 I think Morin went on his own.
02:44:27.000 Yeah.
02:44:28.000 Yeah.
02:44:29.000 You remember Fat Johnny and the Round guy?
02:44:31.000 Funniest, funniest, they were the funniest people ever.
02:44:35.000 That was a great group.
02:44:36.000 The two of them together, they would rap and shit.
02:44:38.000 They would kill.
02:44:40.000 I used to do Boston Comedy Club.
02:44:42.000 I think my first show there, I was the last one to move out of New York.
02:44:46.000 Because I went and did acting for like two years.
02:44:48.000 Red Johnny and the Round Guy.
02:44:49.000 Red Johnny and the Round Guy.
02:44:50.000 That's right.
02:44:51.000 So I quit comedy.
02:44:54.000 After Dane kind of made it, I remember the group broke up because I think Dane came one day and he was like, I have a show on the night of an Owl and the Monkeys show.
02:45:03.000 And we were like, yeah, but it's Owl and the Monkeys.
02:45:06.000 And he was getting paid more for his single show than he was...
02:45:09.000 We were getting paid for the whole show.
02:45:11.000 So I was like, alright, fuck it, we're done.
02:45:14.000 And I went and just did acting.
02:45:16.000 I was like, I went, I met my acting teacher, Peter Kelly.
02:45:19.000 I did like a couple movies and some off-Broadway, an off-Broadway play in Boston.
02:45:23.000 I just got into acting.
02:45:24.000 For how long?
02:45:25.000 Almost two years.
02:45:27.000 Really?
02:45:27.000 Yeah.
02:45:27.000 Billy, Dane, and Patrice, and Gary, they were all kicking it at Nick's and all that stuff.
02:45:35.000 And I was just acting for around a year and a half, almost two years.
02:45:39.000 I just went into acting.
02:45:41.000 And how'd you get back into comedy?
02:45:43.000 It's a disease.
02:45:44.000 It was like a thing.
02:45:46.000 It's like a parasite that's just in you.
02:45:48.000 And I just was like, fuck.
02:45:50.000 Fuck.
02:45:50.000 And I just went to Knicks one night.
02:45:52.000 I was like, I gotta get back.
02:45:54.000 I can't.
02:45:54.000 I gotta do this.
02:45:56.000 And I went in.
02:45:57.000 They were all on stage.
02:45:58.000 They were getting up.
02:45:59.000 They were regulars at Knicks on the open mics.
02:46:01.000 A Knoxie show.
02:46:03.000 Yeah.
02:46:03.000 Kevin Knox had a Wednesday night.
02:46:05.000 People, you know.
02:46:05.000 And I remember I couldn't get up.
02:46:07.000 Couldn't get on.
02:46:09.000 Like, I just, I had to earn my dues.
02:46:11.000 I was a year and a half behind everybody.
02:46:13.000 So I remember just sitting there.
02:46:15.000 Night after night.
02:46:16.000 Just not getting on.
02:46:18.000 And all these other assholes getting on.
02:46:19.000 I was like, fuck.
02:46:20.000 And then I was going to quit again.
02:46:22.000 I was talking to Dan.
02:46:24.000 I'm like, I'm done.
02:46:24.000 I'm out.
02:46:25.000 Fuck this.
02:46:26.000 They're letting her on or him on and I can't get on?
02:46:30.000 And he was like, dude, just hang in there.
02:46:32.000 That Noxie walks up literally during that conversation.
02:46:34.000 Want to do five?
02:46:35.000 I was like, yeah, because you're on next.
02:46:38.000 I was like, great.
02:46:39.000 Noxy went up, wow, boom, blah, through, wow, fucking 10,000 beers.
02:46:44.000 Then he goes, give it up for Robert Kelly.
02:46:46.000 I went up, killed it, just out of pure, just murdered.
02:46:50.000 He's like, come back next Wednesday.
02:46:51.000 And I was just in.
02:46:52.000 I was back in.
02:46:53.000 Yeah, Noxy was the best.
02:46:55.000 He was great.
02:46:56.000 The best.
02:46:56.000 He was such a good comic for young comics.
02:47:00.000 Well, he's just a nice guy.
02:47:01.000 Nice guy.
02:47:01.000 Billy Martin, another great guy.
02:47:03.000 You know Billy?
02:47:04.000 Sure.
02:47:04.000 Love Billy.
02:47:05.000 He went on to write for Bill Maher, right?
02:47:07.000 Executive producer of Bill Maher, yeah.
02:47:09.000 He's still around?
02:47:10.000 Yeah, still on the show.
02:47:12.000 No shit.
02:47:12.000 I believe so.
02:47:13.000 Yeah.
02:47:13.000 He had the Wednesday night at the Colunes.
02:47:16.000 He would put me up every Wednesday.
02:47:18.000 He hated what I did.
02:47:19.000 He came up to me and goes, I hate your comedy.
02:47:23.000 But you kill.
02:47:24.000 So good for you.
02:47:25.000 What?
02:47:26.000 He said that.
02:47:26.000 What?
02:47:27.000 Because I would go up and kill.
02:47:29.000 But dude, I was a lot of confidence.
02:47:32.000 And a lot of...
02:47:33.000 You know what I mean?
02:47:34.000 I was kind of sucky, too.
02:47:37.000 I used to have this thing that I did where I would go up and I was like, what's up?
02:47:41.000 How you doing?
02:47:41.000 All right.
02:47:42.000 Is that your chick?
02:47:46.000 Do you ever remember me doing that?
02:47:48.000 Kinda.
02:47:49.000 I don't know.
02:47:50.000 I mean, I always remember liking you.
02:47:52.000 Yeah, dude.
02:47:53.000 Yeah, I mean, yeah, I loved you too.
02:47:55.000 I mean, it was great.
02:47:57.000 I was so sad that you lived in New York.
02:47:59.000 But yeah, I started doing stand-up then and from then I flourished.
02:48:03.000 Do you remember the time I got my ass beat?
02:48:07.000 Remember the time we did that bar?
02:48:10.000 We did some shit bar in New Hampshire or something.
02:48:12.000 I don't know where it was.
02:48:13.000 It was just a bar.
02:48:15.000 And you were headlining.
02:48:16.000 I was on the show.
02:48:19.000 And you got beat up?
02:48:20.000 I don't remember this at all.
02:48:22.000 What happened?
02:48:23.000 That's why I never would fight a wrestler in my life.
02:48:27.000 What happened?
02:48:29.000 Dude, wrestlers are just a different strength.
02:48:35.000 So it's like different, you know what I mean?
02:48:37.000 Like...
02:48:38.000 This kid was there at the show.
02:48:41.000 I think you left.
02:48:42.000 I think you left.
02:48:43.000 You had to go do something.
02:48:44.000 I must have.
02:48:45.000 And we all went back.
02:48:45.000 Because I don't remember this at all.
02:48:47.000 We did the show.
02:48:47.000 It was awesome.
02:48:48.000 You were headlining and we hung out.
02:48:50.000 And then I think I left.
02:48:51.000 I went to this party at this girl's house with all my friends and this kid, this little guy.
02:48:56.000 He was this little guy.
02:48:57.000 And he kept fucking with me.
02:48:59.000 He was like, yeah, what's up, man?
02:49:01.000 What's up?
02:49:02.000 And he kept getting in my face.
02:49:04.000 And I was like, dude, get the fuck.
02:49:05.000 Finally, he was just like, get out of my face, dude.
02:49:07.000 Stop.
02:49:08.000 Stop.
02:49:08.000 Get the fuck out.
02:49:09.000 I'm serious.
02:49:11.000 And then, you know, I think I was like, fuck it.
02:49:16.000 Let's go outside.
02:49:18.000 It was snow.
02:49:19.000 The sidewalks were all ice.
02:49:20.000 I was in cowboy boots.
02:49:23.000 Remember?
02:49:23.000 Remember back in the 90s?
02:49:25.000 With the little silver tips?
02:49:27.000 Yes.
02:49:28.000 I had cowboy boots with tight jeans.
02:49:30.000 Oh, no.
02:49:31.000 Dude, I went outside and I remember I had mace.
02:49:35.000 Look, I know you're a real fighter and I know there's a code, but in Boston, Fuckin' sucker punch, whatever you gotta do to win.
02:49:46.000 Fuck you.
02:49:48.000 I was the king of sucker punches back when I was a juvenile.
02:49:53.000 There's no rules.
02:49:56.000 But there was something, because I was sober now, I had this mace and he's coming out and I just dropped the mace in the snow.
02:50:03.000 I was like, I can't do this.
02:50:05.000 Bad move.
02:50:06.000 He came out and just threw me around.
02:50:12.000 My legs were slipping because I was on my boots and I was trying to grab it and my feet kept slipping.
02:50:18.000 And I remember he picked me up.
02:50:19.000 He headbutted me, came up like that, headbutted me in the face.
02:50:23.000 And then my ankle tore because I slipped on my boots.
02:50:27.000 And then he just picked me up and slammed me to the ground like a fucking ragdoll.
02:50:31.000 And my friend was like, he's had enough.
02:50:34.000 And I remember I got my ass beat and I was so fucking sad.
02:50:39.000 I had to go to the hospital.
02:50:41.000 They had to cut my boot off because it was so swollen.
02:50:45.000 I was so sad because I just got the boots.
02:50:47.000 And yeah, it was terrible.
02:50:49.000 Hate that.
02:50:50.000 Fucking hate that.
02:50:51.000 After a show.
02:50:52.000 I remember there was a chick there that I was trying to hook up with.
02:50:55.000 She never called me again.
02:50:56.000 Of course.
02:50:57.000 Getting your ass kicked is a motherfucker.
02:50:59.000 Yeah, it's not fun.
02:51:00.000 Have you ever gotten your ass kicked?
02:51:01.000 Sure.
02:51:02.000 Really?
02:51:03.000 In fight fights.
02:51:04.000 No, in life fights.
02:51:06.000 I didn't get much fights in life.
02:51:08.000 I avoided that because I was fighting.
02:51:11.000 From the time I was 15 to the time I was 21, I was traveling around the country fighting in martial arts tournaments.
02:51:18.000 So I never got in street fights.
02:51:19.000 I got beat up so much.
02:51:21.000 Yeah, I got in like a couple in high school.
02:51:23.000 One time in high school this dude grabbed me in a headlock and threw me to the ground and he was gonna punch me in the face and decided not to.
02:51:30.000 Yeah.
02:51:31.000 I was helpless and that's when I started wrestling.
02:51:34.000 I was like fuck I gotta learn how to wrestle.
02:51:36.000 Yeah.
02:51:36.000 I remember just like I'm just so lucky this guy didn't just beat my face into a pulp.
02:51:40.000 Like I didn't know how to wrestle.
02:51:42.000 Like he got in my face and I didn't know what to do and I was like confused.
02:51:46.000 And I remember he got me in a headlock and just threw me to the ground and then didn't punch me in the face.
02:51:52.000 Like, was gonna punch me in the face, but didn't.
02:51:54.000 And I was just like, it's okay.
02:51:57.000 And I got up and then I remember avoiding him around the school.
02:51:59.000 Like, I'd see him.
02:52:00.000 And I was like, where is he?
02:52:01.000 I gotta go the other way.
02:52:03.000 And I remember like, I hate this.
02:52:05.000 And that's when I started doing martial arts.
02:52:07.000 Because I was like, I gotta learn how to fight.
02:52:09.000 That's why I put my kid, Maximus, in jiu-jitsu.
02:52:11.000 Mmm, it's perfect for kids.
02:52:13.000 I put him Matt Serra, I called Matt.
02:52:14.000 Oh, that's awesome.
02:52:15.000 I go, he hooked me up with Igor Gracie.
02:52:17.000 Oh, perfect.
02:52:18.000 And he's been there for over a year now.
02:52:20.000 Yeah, it's so important for kids to learn how to defend themselves.
02:52:24.000 It'll let you avoid fights.
02:52:27.000 I remember one time I was in Fenway Park, like that area, like Kenmore Square, and I was walking down the street and these fucking kids, I forget if it was two or three kids, I think it was two kids,
02:52:43.000 and they were just street kids, like shitty kids.
02:52:47.000 And he's like, hey man, Could I borrow some money?
02:52:51.000 And I go, I don't have any money.
02:52:52.000 He goes, come on, man.
02:52:53.000 I know you got some fucking money.
02:52:54.000 And I go, no, I don't have any money.
02:52:57.000 You know?
02:52:57.000 And he goes, man, I'll just fucking take your money.
02:52:59.000 I go, okay.
02:53:01.000 And I keep walking.
02:53:02.000 He goes, where the fuck are you going?
02:53:03.000 And I got to the door of the Taekwondo Academy where I was teaching.
02:53:07.000 And I go, I'm going up here to teach a class.
02:53:11.000 I go, do you want to come up?
02:53:14.000 And we were like looking at each other.
02:53:16.000 And he's like, you're teaching the class?
02:53:18.000 I go, yeah.
02:53:19.000 And that's when he understood why I was so confident.
02:53:22.000 Because I was trying to figure out, do I kick this guy's head off of his fucking shoulders?
02:53:26.000 Or do I just calmly walk up to the door and go, I'm going up here to teach a class.
02:53:31.000 It was one of the more interesting moments in my life.
02:53:34.000 Because it was a moment where having confidence and really knowing how to fight.
02:53:39.000 And by that time, I was like 17. I had knocked a bunch of people out by then.
02:53:43.000 I was used to it.
02:53:44.000 I didn't know how to do it.
02:53:47.000 Remember just that confidence kept like it was confusing for him.
02:53:51.000 Yeah, and he's like man.
02:53:52.000 I know you got some money Oh, no, I don't have any money for you.
02:53:55.000 And then when we got to the door It was like perfect timing like right when they were starting to escalate shit and in the door the door was a logo of a guy Flying through the air kicking another guy in the head.
02:54:07.000 Yeah, that was the Jehan Kim Taekwondo Institute and I took karate for a while.
02:54:12.000 I took Kempo.
02:54:14.000 Yeah.
02:54:14.000 Elvis karate.
02:54:16.000 Ed Parker.
02:54:17.000 Come on, man.
02:54:18.000 Come on, man.
02:54:19.000 That's my favorite version of Elvis.
02:54:21.000 Pilled up doing karate.
02:54:22.000 With the gi?
02:54:22.000 Come on, man.
02:54:23.000 With the gi with a giant collared shirt under the gi.
02:54:26.000 Under the gi?
02:54:27.000 Yeah.
02:54:28.000 I took it for a while, but I split my gi.
02:54:31.000 I got fat again.
02:54:36.000 My first girlfriend, when we met, we were both in shape.
02:54:41.000 I was taking karate.
02:54:43.000 She took karate with me.
02:54:44.000 We would go and do karate.
02:54:46.000 But like any relationship, you start getting lazy.
02:54:49.000 We started going to the all-you-can-eat Italian buffet across the street on Root Run.
02:54:53.000 And then I remember one time I went in with like sauce stains on my gi.
02:54:56.000 And then I quit when I split my gi.
02:55:00.000 I went down to do a stupid split, you know, at the beginning when you're stretching and shit.
02:55:04.000 And my gi just ripped.
02:55:06.000 And I just never went back.
02:55:08.000 Ever.
02:55:09.000 I was like, I gotta go.
02:55:11.000 Are you doing anything now to work out while you're losing weight?
02:55:14.000 I'm working out six days a week.
02:55:17.000 Wow.
02:55:18.000 The thing with the operation, and it's not for everybody.
02:55:21.000 There's the gastric bypass where they fucking rearrange your shit.
02:55:25.000 There's the sleeve.
02:55:28.000 No, the band.
02:55:33.000 Which is they put a band over it.
02:55:34.000 I think Ralphie got that Twice.
02:55:37.000 And then the sleeve is the least invasive.
02:55:40.000 It's laparoscopic.
02:55:43.000 And they just make your stomach smaller.
02:55:45.000 So it goes from whatever it was into the size of a banana.
02:55:49.000 And I just, I had to do it.
02:55:52.000 I looked at it like this.
02:55:54.000 37 years ago I went to rehab.
02:55:56.000 I went to the road back.
02:55:57.000 And I took myself out of the game for 14 months to get my life back.
02:56:05.000 I got to work.
02:56:06.000 I got a life.
02:56:07.000 I can't just leave for however long.
02:56:10.000 But my stomach can.
02:56:12.000 You know what I mean?
02:56:13.000 My stomach can go to rehab.
02:56:15.000 Like my insides.
02:56:16.000 It took me like three years to make the decision because I want to do it.
02:56:20.000 I want to be a man.
02:56:21.000 I can do this.
02:56:22.000 I can get this fucking done.
02:56:24.000 You know, I go on things and you hear people just fucking do it.
02:56:28.000 Just do it.
02:56:29.000 But I couldn't.
02:56:31.000 I couldn't do it.
02:56:32.000 I was 350 pounds.
02:56:34.000 I was bigger than any heavyweight champion of the world.
02:56:37.000 I was bigger than any linebacker on any team.
02:56:40.000 I was 5'8".
02:56:42.000 You know?
02:56:43.000 I'm 51 at the time.
02:56:44.000 I got this beautiful son I'm in love with.
02:56:47.000 I got my wife I love.
02:56:48.000 I'm finally enjoying life.
02:56:51.000 And I'm gonna...
02:56:52.000 My son's gonna not have a dad because of pizza.
02:56:56.000 You know?
02:56:57.000 Man.
02:56:58.000 And I'm like, I'm gonna fuck his life up, because I can't stop stuffing my face, because whatever the addiction is, because I turned off the other addictions, and now I'm addicted to this, and I needed help.
02:57:16.000 And then I'm a member of this cigar club, Cigar Republic.
02:57:21.000 Shout out to those guys.
02:57:22.000 They fucking love you, by the way.
02:57:24.000 It's all men.
02:57:25.000 It's all these guys.
02:57:26.000 It's 24 hours.
02:57:27.000 You get a thing.
02:57:27.000 You go up.
02:57:28.000 It's a lounge.
02:57:29.000 It's awesome.
02:57:30.000 Just a bunch of fucking men.
02:57:33.000 And we smoke cigars, talk shit, watch games, whatever.
02:57:37.000 One of the guys in there is this dude, Arpan, and he's...
02:57:41.000 I wound up talking to him, and he's a surgeon.
02:57:42.000 He does these operations.
02:57:44.000 Three years ago, I started talking to him.
02:57:46.000 And I was like, you know, I'm going to do it.
02:57:50.000 I'm going to get it done, and maybe we'll talk.
02:57:51.000 We kept doing that, and I couldn't do it, dude.
02:57:53.000 I couldn't get it.
02:57:54.000 And I'm like, I'm going to die.
02:57:56.000 I had sleep apnea.
02:57:59.000 My feet would tangle in.
02:58:02.000 My heart rate was up.
02:58:03.000 I was going to be gone.
02:58:05.000 I was going to stroke out.
02:58:06.000 It was just...
02:58:07.000 Either I do it or I don't.
02:58:08.000 And finally, I talked to him and I'm like, what do I got to do?
02:58:11.000 And he's like, you have to lose this weight.
02:58:14.000 You can't just get the surgery.
02:58:15.000 You have to lose weight.
02:58:18.000 You have to get your BMI down.
02:58:19.000 You have to see a nutritionist.
02:58:20.000 You have to see a dietician.
02:58:22.000 You have to change the way you're eating before you do the surgery.
02:58:25.000 You have to start this first.
02:58:28.000 I was like, great.
02:58:28.000 We planned it out.
02:58:30.000 I was like, I can do it at this time.
02:58:32.000 And...
02:58:34.000 I got my BMI down and I went in for the surgery and the night of the surgery I was walking.
02:58:41.000 He's like, you gotta walk tonight and tomorrow and every day you have to walk.
02:58:46.000 The night I can only walk the hall once.
02:58:49.000 I went home the next day.
02:58:50.000 I could walk down my driveway and walk back up.
02:58:53.000 The next day I walked down the driveway, walked down the block, I came back.
02:58:57.000 The next day I walked up and down the block.
02:58:59.000 The day after that I walked around the block.
02:59:01.000 I just kept going, walking and walking and walking.
02:59:05.000 Because I knew the key to life is exercise.
02:59:09.000 It's the fountain of youth.
02:59:12.000 And I would be on the road with Louie, and he would exercise every day.
02:59:16.000 I would see these people.
02:59:18.000 It's the fountain of youth.
02:59:20.000 I just gotta move.
02:59:21.000 I don't have to, you know, do all this other shit.
02:59:24.000 I don't have to get a trainer.
02:59:26.000 I don't have to do all...
02:59:27.000 I just have to move.
02:59:29.000 Just move.
02:59:30.000 Yeah.
02:59:31.000 And so that's all I did.
02:59:33.000 But the operation allowed me to not, my addiction couldn't take over.
02:59:39.000 If I eat too much, I get sick.
02:59:41.000 So it allowed me the moments of clarity to understand, I'm not hungry right now, but I'm hungry, you know?
02:59:49.000 There's also a thing in your stomach, this isn't theory, this isn't, you know, this is a theory, there's ghrelin cells in your stomach that tell you you're hungry.
03:00:00.000 So when you remove, in theory, when you remove, and I want to get male, I'm just saying, when you remove that stomach, those cells go with it, so you have less of those cells, yeah?
03:00:12.000 So that helps you, you know?
03:00:14.000 It helps you not feel that hunger when you're not hungry.
03:00:18.000 Well, it seems like also you change your pattern.
03:00:20.000 And once you develop a new pattern, you could really, that pattern, if you stick with it and you get momentum, that pattern can become your new way of thinking, your new way of life.
03:00:31.000 That's how it is whenever I get really serious and start doing something like very serious, it becomes my new thing.
03:00:38.000 And then it becomes easier to do because it's just a part of the day.
03:00:42.000 Like this is what I do now.
03:00:43.000 And then I kind of get obsessed about like staying on that pattern.
03:00:46.000 Yeah, I mean, that's the thing I couldn't get to.
03:00:49.000 That's the thing I couldn't get to.
03:00:51.000 But now, I lift weights now, because you gotta lift weights.
03:00:57.000 Your phone's listening to you.
03:00:59.000 What?
03:01:00.000 Yeah, your Siri just kicked on that bitch.
03:01:05.000 Yeah, it's, you know, it's been, I think, four months and my whole life has changed.
03:01:11.000 That's amazing.
03:01:11.000 Sleep apnea is gone.
03:01:13.000 Heart rate, resting heart rate's like 58, 52 sometimes.
03:01:17.000 I walk every day.
03:01:19.000 I lift weights three or four times a week.
03:01:23.000 My pain is gone.
03:01:24.000 My aches and pains are gone.
03:01:25.000 That's fucking awesome.
03:01:27.000 Everything's gone.
03:01:28.000 Beautiful.
03:01:28.000 I had a pain in the back of my ear that if you touched it, it was like somebody stabbing me.
03:01:32.000 It's gone.
03:01:34.000 Nobody knew what it was.
03:01:35.000 It's gone.
03:01:36.000 It was weight-related.
03:01:38.000 It was...
03:01:39.000 I couldn't...
03:01:40.000 Probably pushing down on a nerve.
03:01:41.000 All that inflammation.
03:01:43.000 Something...
03:01:43.000 Yeah, it's all gone.
03:01:45.000 And I'm like...
03:01:46.000 I learned how to slow down.
03:01:49.000 I learned how to, like, eat the right foods.
03:01:52.000 I learned how to, like, move.
03:01:54.000 Just move.
03:01:55.000 Even if it's a mile, just walking.
03:01:58.000 And my whole demeanor changed.
03:02:00.000 Those were two days I didn't work out and I was fucking grumpy and pissed.
03:02:04.000 Yeah, that's me.
03:02:05.000 And I went like this.
03:02:06.000 I didn't move today.
03:02:08.000 Yeah.
03:02:08.000 And I went and I just jumped on the treadmill for a half hour.
03:02:11.000 And my fucking day lit up.
03:02:13.000 Yeah.
03:02:14.000 I was like...
03:02:15.000 Your endorphins kick in.
03:02:16.000 Your anxiety goes away.
03:02:18.000 Anxiety, I'm less ornery, I'm less angry, and I can do flying as a fat fuck.
03:02:29.000 Hard.
03:02:30.000 You develop fat tricks.
03:02:32.000 I have a bunch of fat tricks.
03:02:35.000 I remember dropping your ear pod on the plane in mid-flight.
03:02:40.000 It was devastating.
03:02:42.000 Because you couldn't get it.
03:02:44.000 So I would just kick it over to the skinny guy next to me.
03:02:47.000 And I'd be like, dude, can you get that for me?
03:02:50.000 Oh yeah, sure.
03:02:51.000 You know what I mean?
03:02:52.000 Seatbelt, I would have to use my stomach as a third hand.
03:02:55.000 I'd put the seatbelt under my stomach to hold it and then click it to get it on.
03:03:02.000 I used to get sneakers without laces, slip-ons.
03:03:06.000 You ever see a fat guy, the shoelaces are always tied to the left or to the right because we can't get it in the middle.
03:03:13.000 Putting my socks on was a nightmare.
03:03:16.000 I had to grab my foot and drag it up to the bed and hold it there.
03:03:20.000 And I'd be out of breath putting a sock on.
03:03:24.000 Jesus.
03:03:24.000 But the funny thing is that you learn to live with it.
03:03:27.000 Your body's fucking amazing.
03:03:30.000 Think about it.
03:03:30.000 I was walking around with 12 babies.
03:03:34.000 I was carrying 12 babies all the time.
03:03:37.000 And my body learned how to just fucking do everything I was doing.
03:03:42.000 Get on the plane.
03:03:44.000 I would put my hand...
03:03:46.000 I'd fly with a sweatshirt and put my hand in the sweatshirt so I would hold it.
03:03:52.000 Because I was so big, I had to hold my tits.
03:03:55.000 So I didn't hit the person next to me.
03:03:56.000 Because I remember one flight, I was holding it with my hands, I fell asleep, and I just whacked the chick next to me.
03:04:01.000 So I would have to hold my arm in my sleeve to fly.
03:04:07.000 It was, I mean, talk about anxiety.
03:04:10.000 Talk about feeling like shit all the time in the back of your head that you didn't even know.
03:04:15.000 And now, you know, flying is, I fucking love it.
03:04:20.000 I love it.
03:04:21.000 I love, you know, getting dressed, taking a shit.
03:04:23.000 Dude, I can wash my balls.
03:04:26.000 Dude, I'm not kidding.
03:04:28.000 Like, from behind.
03:04:30.000 Like, I remember I opened the bathroom door and I was scrubbing my nuts.
03:04:34.000 I'm like, Dawn, look.
03:04:36.000 I can scrub my nuts.
03:04:37.000 I was like holding my nuts like a dome in my picture.
03:04:40.000 Like, look!
03:04:40.000 I can hold my nuts.
03:04:42.000 She was like, good for you, honey.
03:04:43.000 That's great.
03:04:43.000 You're doing good.
03:04:45.000 That's awesome.
03:04:46.000 She's like, fucking idiot.
03:04:47.000 That's hilarious.
03:04:48.000 Yeah.
03:04:48.000 It's crazy, but I feel this is it.
03:04:52.000 I'm not going back.
03:04:54.000 Beautiful.
03:04:55.000 Yeah, I'm not going back.
03:04:56.000 So I'm in the middle of Sober October.
03:04:57.000 I've got to end this podcast because I'm in the middle of Sober October.
03:05:00.000 I've got to go home and do a workout.
03:05:02.000 We have to work out seven days a week.
03:05:04.000 360, or 30, 30 days, 31 days.
03:05:07.000 100 push-ups a day.
03:05:08.000 Yeah, 100 push-ups a day.
03:05:09.000 I'm also doing 100 bodyweight squats and burn 500 calories in the workout.
03:05:14.000 That's great.
03:05:14.000 So I've got to do it before the show.
03:05:16.000 Yeah.
03:05:16.000 And I've got to do some ads.
03:05:17.000 So I've got to wrap this up.
03:05:19.000 Hi, brother.
03:05:19.000 Dude, it's been fucking awesome catching up with you.
03:05:21.000 Good to be on, man.
03:05:21.000 It was a lot of fun.
03:05:22.000 Good to see you too, brother.
03:05:23.000 Great to see you doing well.
03:05:25.000 Thanks for letting me promote the special.
03:05:26.000 It's called Kill Box.
03:05:27.000 It's on louisck.com.
03:05:29.000 You can go check it out right now.
03:05:31.000 Look how fat I was.
03:05:32.000 Yeah.
03:05:34.000 That's fucking awesome, brother.
03:05:35.000 Thanks, brother.
03:05:36.000 And we're going to do a show tonight.
03:05:37.000 So we're going to have some fun.
03:05:38.000 All right.
03:05:39.000 That's it.
03:05:39.000 Bye, everybody.