The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #253

00:00:02.000 Finally.

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00:00:14.000 And mostly we started carrying battle ropes and kettle bells.

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00:02:19.000 All right, ladies and gentlemen.

00:02:20.000 Buckle the fuck in.

00:02:22.000 Andrew Dice Clay is here, ladies and gentlemen.

00:02:23.000 Cue the music, Brian.

00:02:25.000 Let's make it official.

00:02:26.000 The Joe Rogan Podcast.

00:02:27.000 Check it out.

00:02:27.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:02:30.000 Train by day.

00:02:31.000 Joe Rogan Podcast by night.

00:02:32.000 All day.

00:02:35.000 Ladies and gentlemen, we have with us not just...

00:02:40.000 Eleanor Kerrigan.

00:02:41.000 Not just Max Silverstein, but Andrew Dice Clay as well.

00:02:45.000 This is a fucking phenomenal show.

00:02:47.000 You know, you're so strong and everything.

00:02:49.000 In the meantime, I can't get the coffee to come out of my cup.

00:02:53.000 There's something wrong with the lid.

00:02:54.000 You gotta pull the lid back.

00:02:56.000 Let me help you with your little look.

00:02:57.000 Oh, really?

00:02:58.000 I thought that was it right there.

00:02:59.000 Is that it?

00:02:59.000 I've been trying to drink it.

00:03:00.000 Is it a faulty one?

00:03:02.000 Oh, I didn't see it.

00:03:03.000 Oh, you gotta lift it.

00:03:04.000 Well, I'm not gonna do it.

00:03:05.000 You do it with your fingers.

00:03:06.000 Yeah, can't everybody just be Starbucks?

00:03:08.000 Just feel.

00:03:09.000 It's like this.

00:03:10.000 I can't do it.

00:03:10.000 Look, look, look.

00:03:11.000 Gorgeous isn't everything.

00:03:12.000 Sometimes you have to think, pumpkin.

00:03:14.000 That was pretty easy.

00:03:15.000 That's sad.

00:03:17.000 She just did it for you.

00:03:19.000 Now you know why I got around.

00:03:20.000 One of the things that I enjoy about being around you, man, is that life is theater 24-7.

00:03:26.000 I don't know what you'd say.

00:03:27.000 Public theater.

00:03:28.000 Public theater.

00:03:29.000 In the dressing room, you're a fun fucking dude to be around.

00:03:35.000 You know what?

00:03:36.000 And I've learned that about you.

00:03:37.000 I've really learned that about you.

00:03:39.000 Because we didn't know each other that well, and now we've become what I would call friends.

00:03:43.000 Oh, absolutely.

00:03:43.000 You're like a new friend.

00:03:45.000 I'd be honored.

00:03:45.000 We text.

00:03:46.000 Yeah, we text.

00:03:47.000 Constant text.

00:03:48.000 Because we do it in all caps?

00:03:50.000 And what's funny is...

00:03:51.000 No, no, I have to do it that way or else I can't see what I'm doing.

00:03:55.000 So it's not like, you know how they say when you text?

00:03:57.000 Oh, you can make the font larger.

00:03:59.000 That's what I've had to do.

00:04:00.000 I don't use that kind of phone.

00:04:03.000 Oh, you don't use an iPhone?

00:04:04.000 No.

00:04:04.000 How dare you?

00:04:05.000 I use Commando.

00:04:06.000 He uses a typewriter.

00:04:07.000 It's harder.

00:04:09.000 Commando, you could talk 300 feet under the water with it.

00:04:11.000 Oh, is it one of those Verizon ones, one of those crazy ones?

00:04:14.000 So you got one for a disaster?

00:04:16.000 Well, let's say you're having a fight with a guy, right?

00:04:19.000 Right, right.

00:04:20.000 And you're on the beach.

00:04:21.000 Okay.

00:04:22.000 So now I run into the water, I go underneath, I could call the cops and say, I've got a problem over here.

00:04:28.000 I mean, why the fuck are they making phones to talk underwater?

00:04:32.000 But I got it.

00:04:33.000 Yeah, I thought about going that way.

00:04:35.000 I tried it in my pool.

00:04:37.000 It's like, I think of, what kind of car do you like to drive?

00:04:40.000 Do you like to drive a sports car, or do you want to drive like a military Humvee?

00:04:44.000 I mean, you've got two different ways of looking at things.

00:04:46.000 One is, I'm going to just assume that these roads are going to be like this, and that I can get around on them pretty easy, and just...

00:04:52.000 And it's fun.

00:04:53.000 Or, I can pretend that the shit could hit the fan at every moment...

00:04:57.000 And all of a sudden, I'm driving through the fucking desert trying to find rats to eat to stay alive.

00:05:02.000 I like an industrial car.

00:05:03.000 I like that thought.

00:05:04.000 I agree with you, yeah.

00:05:06.000 You like that?

00:05:06.000 I like trucks.

00:05:08.000 I do them all with the metal all around them.

00:05:11.000 Just like things solid.

00:05:11.000 Big fucking machines.

00:05:12.000 Stay back.

00:05:13.000 Back up.

00:05:14.000 I gotta challenge it, too.

00:05:16.000 But that, to me, is an industrial sports car.

00:05:18.000 Do you have one of the new ones?

00:05:19.000 Yeah.

00:05:19.000 With the black stripe on the front.

00:05:21.000 They nailed that car.

00:05:23.000 They really, like, replicated a 70s muscle car.

00:05:26.000 They really nailed it.

00:05:27.000 Yeah, but you know what they gotta do?

00:05:29.000 Listen, Dodge, do me a favor here.

00:05:31.000 Yeah, talk closer.

00:05:31.000 Make, like, the convertible version.

00:05:35.000 Nothing will be cooler than that in convertible.

00:05:37.000 Yeah, I think you're right.

00:05:39.000 Where the fuck is the guy that's going to do this already?

00:05:44.000 Yeah, that's kind of silly.

00:05:45.000 Why does it take 10 years?

00:05:46.000 I mean, Camaro does it.

00:05:47.000 It's a fucking challenger.

00:05:49.000 I want the top down.

00:05:50.000 Yeah, what the fuck, Dodge?

00:05:52.000 Really, what is that?

00:05:53.000 They don't have a sunroof?

00:05:54.000 No.

00:05:54.000 Well, they got a sunroof.

00:05:56.000 A sunroof is not right.

00:05:57.000 Every time you open a sunroof, you want to close it because the sun's now beating on you through this little fucking hole.

00:06:04.000 Either want it open or not open.

00:06:06.000 Eleanor, I'm talking.

00:06:07.000 When I'm done talking, you start.

00:06:09.000 I just asked a question.

00:06:12.000 Ask it when I'm done.

00:06:13.000 24-7.

00:06:15.000 No, you've got to know how to talk.

00:06:17.000 Keep them in line.

00:06:19.000 The 427 Corvette is the best American car available now.

00:06:23.000 Have you seen that now?

00:06:24.000 See, but to me, that's too small.

00:06:26.000 I like a big muscle car.

00:06:27.000 Do you?

00:06:28.000 They finally took the Z06 suspension and Z06 engine and they put it in a convertible.

00:06:36.000 The Z06 was the fucking race car.

00:06:38.000 And that was, they took a regular Corvette, and then the Z06 was 505 horsepower, and fucking racing suspension, big, fat, fucking, almost slick tires.

00:06:46.000 It's the craziest car ever.

00:06:48.000 And now they're making it as a convertible, which is the first time they've ever offered that kind of power.

00:06:52.000 Jeff Abraham, the publicist, my publicist, he's got, he's got that.

00:06:57.000 Corvettes are ridiculous.

00:06:58.000 They're ridiculous cars.

00:06:58.000 They're cool to be in, but then it's getting out of it.

00:07:01.000 That's the hard part.

00:07:02.000 Well, it's also a plastic car.

00:07:05.000 Because everything on me is broken.

00:07:07.000 Everything?

00:07:07.000 Everything.

00:07:08.000 From disintegrating feet to ripped shoulders.

00:07:11.000 Now can I talk?

00:07:12.000 You don't have disintegrating feet, Andrew.

00:07:15.000 Well, in a way, they're disintegrating.

00:07:17.000 Well, I think mother time or father time, whatever the fuck it is.

00:07:21.000 Oh, no.

00:07:21.000 When I close my fist and I got to open my hand, wait.

00:07:26.000 It snaps open.

00:07:27.000 You are wearing gloves, though.

00:07:29.000 No, no.

00:07:30.000 It's even worse when there were no gloves on.

00:07:32.000 Really?

00:07:32.000 Yeah, like the joints get stiff and then they got to like pop open.

00:07:36.000 Did you really start wearing gloves?

00:07:37.000 If you jerk off your hands like this for three hours.

00:07:41.000 Did you really start wearing gloves because too many people were shaking your hands?

00:07:44.000 You were worried about getting sick?

00:07:46.000 I don't mind shaking hands, I just can't take sweaty hands.

00:07:50.000 You know what I mean?

00:07:51.000 So I invented a way to shake hands without actually touching skin to skin.

00:07:56.000 It's smart.

00:07:57.000 No, because, you know, a lot of people today, I mean, look how people are dressed.

00:08:00.000 How sloppy they are.

00:08:01.000 Yeah.

00:08:02.000 With the jeans that they look like they're going to take half a shit out of their pants as they're walking down the street with the flip-flops.

00:08:08.000 I'm glad you're with me.

00:08:09.000 So picture about their hygiene with their hands.

00:08:11.000 Yeah.

00:08:11.000 They probably got their fingers and their ass crack half the time.

00:08:15.000 I don't want to shake it.

00:08:15.000 Scratch them and then use the keyboard, right?

00:08:17.000 So, yeah, but you know what I'm talking about.

00:08:19.000 I know you know what I'm talking about.

00:08:20.000 Oh, I know what you're talking about.

00:08:21.000 Because you shake a lot of hands, too.

00:08:22.000 Yeah.

00:08:23.000 Well, So you're with me in the disdain of people who wear their fucking pants buckled around their dick.

00:08:28.000 It's sickening.

00:08:29.000 There is a problem with that, folks.

00:08:31.000 That is just stupid.

00:08:33.000 And people have said, man, you're so wrong, dude.

00:08:35.000 You're just talking shit about style.

00:08:38.000 You're being silly.

00:08:39.000 It's nothing sexy about it.

00:08:41.000 It's not style.

00:08:42.000 That is crazy.

00:08:44.000 When I see your pants...

00:08:45.000 It's not lazy.

00:08:46.000 It's insanity.

00:08:47.000 No, when I see a girl or a guy walking around like they took a dump in their pants, it's the last person I want to talk to.

00:08:54.000 Yeah, they are waddling.

00:08:55.000 There's something about it that just shows that all you have to do is get one charismatic person to do something and then every asshole wants to follow him.

00:09:03.000 So it must have been just one probably badass black dude out of prison who sagged his pants and kept sagging his pants.

00:09:11.000 And then all of a sudden all these fucking dorks want to copy that guy.

00:09:14.000 And it's become like this thing.

00:09:16.000 And the belt buckle where they back...

00:09:18.000 They literally are buckling their belt over their dick.

00:09:20.000 Like, you silly fuck.

00:09:22.000 You can't even walk.

00:09:23.000 What are you, hobbling yourself?

00:09:24.000 That's like...

00:09:25.000 This is way worse than anybody can make fun of a woman doing by wearing high heels.

00:09:30.000 Like, at least a woman in high heels can kind of kick her shoes off if she has to run.

00:09:33.000 You know what I mean?

00:09:34.000 Those things aren't hard to get off.

00:09:35.000 But if you're...

00:09:37.000 Wearing your fucking belt buckled around your dick.

00:09:39.000 If somebody wants to beat your ass, you really don't have a whole lot of options.

00:09:43.000 You're going to get your fucking ass kicked unless you want to fight naked.

00:09:46.000 And by the time you get those pants off, that dude's going to beat the shit out of you.

00:09:50.000 You can't even walk.

00:09:51.000 You're tied up.

00:09:52.000 You're lassoed.

00:09:55.000 Joey.

00:09:56.000 Joey J. Yeah, yeah.

00:09:58.000 My nickname for you is Joey J. Thank you, sir.

00:10:00.000 And we don't talk about what the J means.

00:10:02.000 By the way, I need to get a pair of sunglasses like those.

00:10:04.000 The violence.

00:10:05.000 They're prescription, though.

00:10:06.000 They're badass, though.

00:10:08.000 Yeah.

00:10:08.000 Can you get it?

00:10:09.000 Those are I-don't-give-a-fuck sunglasses.

00:10:10.000 And I don't.

00:10:11.000 I know you don't.

00:10:12.000 I don't.

00:10:12.000 I know you don't.

00:10:13.000 I don't.

00:10:13.000 That's why you got those glasses are perfect for you.

00:10:17.000 Joey fucking J. It's like he's Spider-Man.

00:10:18.000 We'll have to get him glasses.

00:10:20.000 Let me just say, we went to see Dice in Vegas, and it is one of the rare times that I ever, Get a chance to go to see a show.

00:10:27.000 You actually said you haven't sat down and watched a comedy show in years.

00:10:30.000 Well, it had been about a year, and the last time was Norton before that.

00:10:33.000 Maybe I caught Louis C.K. too at the improv.

00:10:36.000 But, you know, to go out on purpose, we're going to go to see Dice tonight.

00:10:40.000 We're going to go see a show.

00:10:41.000 Like on purpose.

00:10:42.000 Yeah, and me, and Norton, and Bobby Kelly, and Anthony Cumia, and Sam Roberts, and oh my God, did we have a good fucking time.

00:10:51.000 It was so fun.

00:10:53.000 First of all, your act was fucking great.

00:10:55.000 It was hilarious.

00:10:57.000 You know, it was just perfect old-school dice.

00:11:00.000 And I think Anthony said, he goes, it's beautiful.

00:11:03.000 He's like, it's still dice, but it's new.

00:11:06.000 It's like the same old dice, but it's new stuff.

00:11:08.000 Yeah, it's fresh material.

00:11:09.000 Well, we haven't gotten to talking about the special yet, but...

00:11:13.000 My whole idea was, alright, I want to give them all this new generation stuff, technology, all the way to the fucking pigs, how they walk around with their pussies out today.

00:11:23.000 I wanted to give them all that newer stuff, but yet I wanted to put some of the classic dice stuff that the newer fans don't know and pepper that into the act.

00:11:33.000 So that's why I think you enjoyed it because you weren't watching somebody that all of a sudden is about politics.

00:11:39.000 You come to see somebody like myself or you.

00:11:42.000 We're a certain brand, so people expect that.

00:11:45.000 And that's what I like doing.

00:11:47.000 You know what I mean?

00:11:49.000 All these comics today that are going through bullshit about one little thing they might have said on stage and then it's a media event.

00:11:57.000 It's like...

00:11:59.000 The one thing I will let the media know is when my special airs, I'm not thinking of them.

00:12:05.000 I'm thinking of the people that really want to laugh from my brand of humor.

00:12:09.000 I don't care how I say it.

00:12:11.000 I don't give a fuck what I say to them.

00:12:14.000 And I'm not apologizing for a fucking word out of my mouth.

00:12:17.000 And I love that.

00:12:19.000 Not only do I love that, I think it's one of the most important things in comedy is that there's someone like you that says that because...

00:12:26.000 From my personal opinion as a stand-up comedy fan, as a connoisseur of stand-up, I never thought you got the credit that you deserved amongst comedians because there was a lot of backlash about your material where they were saying like, oh, it's sexist, oh, it's homophobic.

00:12:42.000 It is a legitimate style of comedy.

00:12:46.000 You're saying ridiculous shit and it's fucking hilarious.

00:12:49.000 And if you can't recognize that as an art form, that's your ignorant problem.

00:12:55.000 It's not that the material is...

00:12:56.000 That's the funny shit to say.

00:12:59.000 Yeah, it's fucked up.

00:13:00.000 Yeah, he's saying something ridiculous.

00:13:01.000 Of course it's not medically sound advice.

00:13:03.000 I've had people walking out of a show.

00:13:06.000 You know, because in Vegas sometimes they comp certain people's high rollers, whatever.

00:13:11.000 So people have walked out that they didn't like that I said the word fag.

00:13:15.000 They go, he calls gay people fag.

00:13:19.000 And it's like, what's the fucking difference?

00:13:21.000 It's the point I'm making.

00:13:22.000 You know what I mean?

00:13:24.000 You're not making a hurtful point.

00:13:26.000 You know, these are just different words to say they have an alternative sex style.

00:13:31.000 I don't give a fuck what they do.

00:13:33.000 I don't care if they want to suck dick all the way to the fucking bus station.

00:13:37.000 That's their choice.

00:13:38.000 But if I'm doing a bit, fag is the word I use.

00:13:41.000 It works better for me than the word gay or queer or...

00:13:46.000 Or alternative fucking lifestyle.

00:13:48.000 They suck dick on each other.

00:13:50.000 And that's okay by me.

00:13:52.000 I don't want to suck dick.

00:13:53.000 And if I did, I'm telling you right now, I'd have a hundred cocks laying on my face right now.

00:13:59.000 If you really wanted it.

00:14:00.000 If I wanted, because that's how I am about girls.

00:14:03.000 You know what I mean?

00:14:04.000 I like pussy.

00:14:05.000 It's who I am.

00:14:06.000 You know, so if I'm saying a word like fag, I'm saying it because that's the word that works best in the act.

00:14:12.000 Dom Herrera had the best line ever about being gay.

00:14:14.000 He goes, Joe, I wish I was gay just so I could come out.

00:14:18.000 That's how little I give a fuck.

00:14:22.000 Is that fucking quintessential Don Rivera?

00:14:24.000 It's so perfect.

00:14:25.000 Oh, he's such a silly man.

00:14:27.000 Yeah, who fucking cares?

00:14:28.000 Yeah, I mean, it's a style of comedy, and I always love...

00:14:30.000 This whole thing about comics, like, being on trot...

00:14:33.000 You know, I went through it.

00:14:35.000 It's crazy.

00:14:35.000 And I went through it in a big fucking way.

00:14:37.000 I mean, this guy...

00:14:38.000 But you went through it in a time where there wasn't that many people doing it, and you sticking to your guns and keeping your character the way you've always kept it...

00:14:46.000 Yeah, putting me in a psychiatrist, yeah.

00:14:48.000 But that's besides the point.

00:14:49.000 Did it?

00:14:50.000 No.

00:14:51.000 No.

00:14:51.000 No, but almost, you know.

00:14:52.000 No, I've done the therapy.

00:14:54.000 Actually, when my career took off, I went to a therapist in New York to see how to handle my family because they got so, you know, because it happened so quick, you know, from the clubs to the arena thing that, you know, my parents and my whole family was so excited.

00:15:12.000 It's all they talk about.

00:15:14.000 So I would be like, look, I know what I'm doing, but let's talk about other things.

00:15:18.000 You know, I didn't want it to be 24-7 about me.

00:15:21.000 You know, when I'm on stage, when I'm working on projects, I do think constantly of what I'm doing.

00:15:26.000 But when it's downtime, like when we came back, I just got done shooting a...

00:15:30.000 Half the Woody Allen movie that I'm doing.

00:15:32.000 And so the other night Max is, you know, we're sitting outside in the front porch and he goes, we're sitting with my wife Valerie and he goes, let's put on the, you know, the video camera what we filmed.

00:15:42.000 And I said, you know what, now's not the time.

00:15:44.000 I need a few days just to be myself now.

00:15:48.000 I don't want to just stay on the movie and watch everything and see me more.

00:15:52.000 It's like, you know, just staying grounded is the most important thing.

00:15:55.000 Well, to me, that's the whole thing with fame.

00:15:57.000 That's why a lot of these guys go nuts because it's 24-7 of them.

00:16:01.000 Right.

00:16:02.000 So it's going to drive you nuts if you're not grounded.

00:16:04.000 Like, I won't even live in the hills.

00:16:06.000 I need to see people.

00:16:08.000 I need to be, like, more on the street, like if I was in Brooklyn.

00:16:11.000 Right.

00:16:11.000 Because when you isolate yourself...

00:16:15.000 You know, it just makes you just think of you.

00:16:17.000 And like, yeah, look at my house, look at my yard, but I don't see any people.

00:16:21.000 And that's no good for me.

00:16:23.000 I gotta always feel people.

00:16:25.000 And that's also where you come up with material, because I hate most people.

00:16:31.000 So you're around people because you hate most people.

00:16:35.000 Well, I like...

00:16:36.000 Yeah, I hate...

00:16:38.000 You know what I mean about when you get in traffic and you just make a move and they look at you like they own the fucking street.

00:16:45.000 You know, if you're at Starbucks and you take too long to order a fucking coffee...

00:16:50.000 They're looking at you like, doesn't he know the fucking menu that I want to fucking club him to death?

00:16:54.000 You know what I mean?

00:16:55.000 Like, give me the 30 cents.

00:16:57.000 Why do I feel panicked?

00:16:58.000 Right.

00:16:59.000 You know, even at an airport, why do you have to feel panicked to put your fucking shoes in a basket that somebody's looking like, doesn't he know the routine?

00:17:07.000 Hey, why do I got to rush every fucking move?

00:17:09.000 Right, right.

00:17:10.000 You know, but that's where material comes from.

00:17:11.000 And then on stage, I blow it out comedically.

00:17:14.000 But in real life, like I said, you want to club their head through their fucking feet.

00:17:18.000 Right.

00:17:20.000 But you like being around them.

00:17:21.000 You gotta be around them.

00:17:22.000 You gotta be around them to live life.

00:17:25.000 Yeah.

00:17:25.000 You know what I mean?

00:17:26.000 You definitely need a certain amount of it, but I definitely need decompression, too.

00:17:29.000 You know, when I light a cigarette at Starbucks and I'm sitting outside and they start fucking coughing.

00:17:34.000 Oh, yeah.

00:17:35.000 That's my favorite.

00:17:35.000 They start coughing and I go, you ever get up in LA about six in the morning where you can't see the fucking sky because the fucking dirty smog is...

00:17:45.000 Two feet above your fucking head.

00:17:46.000 It's true.

00:17:47.000 But my cigarette's the one knocking you out.

00:17:49.000 Go fuck yourselves.

00:17:51.000 Outside.

00:17:51.000 Fuck you.

00:17:52.000 Anybody that don't like my cigarette, fuck you and the horse you fucking rode in on.

00:17:57.000 The only time I really...

00:17:59.000 You know what I mean?

00:17:59.000 I don't know.

00:17:59.000 They're with me enough.

00:18:00.000 They see this shit.

00:18:01.000 It's true.

00:18:02.000 He does get the looks.

00:18:03.000 It's great.

00:18:03.000 The cigarette is like lighting.

00:18:05.000 You would have think he took out a knife.

00:18:06.000 What do you think about these laws they're passing where you can't smoke outside in certain places?

00:18:12.000 Well, you know what?

00:18:12.000 I think it's ridiculous.

00:18:13.000 I'll tell you how I feel about the fucking law right now.

00:18:15.000 I don't know why I got in this mood.

00:18:18.000 The other night, like I told you, I just got dumb.

00:18:20.000 I was in San Francisco doing the Woody Allen movie, which actually Louis C.K. is in also.

00:18:25.000 What is the movie?

00:18:25.000 Tell us about the movie.

00:18:26.000 I can't.

00:18:27.000 He doesn't like it.

00:18:28.000 It's a heavy role.

00:18:29.000 It's the heaviest dramatic role I've ever played in my life.

00:18:34.000 And, you know, doing scenes with Cate Blanchett.

00:18:38.000 Like, you're standing there going, I can't believe I'm even working with this person.

00:18:42.000 Like, how the fuck did this happen?

00:18:44.000 They kicked me out.

00:18:46.000 I got banned from every studio there was.

00:18:48.000 You know, I made sure to just destroy my career.

00:18:52.000 But you didn't.

00:18:53.000 You didn't.

00:18:53.000 You never did.

00:18:54.000 Because you were always funny.

00:18:56.000 You never really destroyed it.

00:18:57.000 You were always funny.

00:18:58.000 You just went through this weird hiatus where people didn't appreciate you as much.

00:19:02.000 Well, it was a hiatus to bring my kids up, and who doesn't like that?

00:19:05.000 Fuck them, because they're not parents.

00:19:08.000 But the thing is, talking about the smoking, with the night we got done, me and Max, we were staying at the Four Seasons, went to this four-star restaurant to celebrate, had some champagne-type stuff, and at the end of the meal, I just lit up a cigarette...

00:19:24.000 In the middle of this restaurant.

00:19:27.000 And Max is looking at me going, Dad, we're in a restaurant.

00:19:29.000 I go, it's alright.

00:19:30.000 Don't worry.

00:19:30.000 There's hardly any people.

00:19:32.000 And then the waiter comes over after a few minutes.

00:19:34.000 I go, can you do me a favor?

00:19:36.000 Get me an ashtray?

00:19:37.000 And he's looking.

00:19:38.000 He goes, oh, you can't smoke in here.

00:19:40.000 I'm done with it.

00:19:41.000 Should I put it on the floor or get a glass of water?

00:19:44.000 You know what I mean?

00:19:45.000 Yeah, and it just felt good to have a cigarette in a restaurant again.

00:19:48.000 Well, as a non-smoker, I gotta tell you, that shit's disgusting.

00:19:52.000 Not in a restaurant, but outside.

00:19:52.000 In a restaurant, it's fucking completely disgusting.

00:19:55.000 Outside, I couldn't hear less.

00:19:56.000 Yeah, but it was a big restaurant.

00:19:58.000 Yeah.

00:19:58.000 Well, outside, I wouldn't like it if there was like 10 people blowing smoke in front of my kids.

00:20:02.000 But, you know, I mean, it depends on where you're at.

00:20:05.000 The only place I light up now and then is in a mall.

00:20:09.000 You know what I mean?

00:20:10.000 Because I don't feel they should have that law, and I'm diced, and people know I smoke, so they should just leave me the fuck alone.

00:20:17.000 Well, with all these new laws that are being passed, that's probably terrorism.

00:20:20.000 They could probably taser you.

00:20:22.000 I don't like it inside.

00:20:24.000 You know, out of all this shit about yesterday's podcast, the thing that I've been getting the most shit about is tasering.

00:20:29.000 I said that some guy runs in the field, and fucking cops are trying to chase him.

00:20:32.000 I'm like, the cop could blow his fucking knee out.

00:20:35.000 You could blow a disc trying to tackle some dude.

00:20:37.000 I'm like, if you think it's not a big deal to tackle a dude who's trying to get away from you, you never really tackle a dude who's trying to get away from you.

00:20:43.000 Yeah, and not knowing if that dude has weapons on him.

00:20:46.000 Sure, you can break parts of your body.

00:20:47.000 And tasering looks fun.

00:20:49.000 I saw it in Hangover.

00:20:50.000 If you want to run out on a field and fuck with a game in front of two million people and all the assholes, you know, yeah.

00:20:57.000 I think you should be tased and raised.

00:20:59.000 And it's a safe way to take somebody down if you're a cop.

00:21:02.000 Sorry, dickhead.

00:21:03.000 Sorry, dickhead.

00:21:04.000 Fuck him, too.

00:21:05.000 Fuck him, too.

00:21:06.000 When somebody's trying to break into his house and a cop tases him, he'll be thanking his fucking ass.

00:21:10.000 Exactly.

00:21:11.000 I don't know who said it, but fuck that.

00:21:13.000 Silly criminal.

00:21:14.000 Silly criminal.

00:21:15.000 Everybody looking, let's point a finger, oh, the cop did this, or this one thing.

00:21:20.000 Yeah, you be in those neighborhoods and want to have to get home to your kids that night.

00:21:24.000 You do what you got to do.

00:21:26.000 That's it.

00:21:26.000 Well, I think a lot of them have a massive...

00:21:28.000 So it's a lot better than shooting somebody.

00:21:30.000 Yeah, I think a lot of them have massive amounts of pressure built up that we can't even understand.

00:21:34.000 As a person who doesn't have to deal with violent crime on every fucking daily basis, we don't know what kind of build up those guys have.

00:21:40.000 And by the way, I think it should be fucking mandatory that they should actually learn how to fight.

00:21:44.000 You know, I've met dudes who are cops, and I met them in jujitsu class on their first day.

00:21:49.000 And I'm like, holy shit, son.

00:21:50.000 You're a white belt and you're a cop?

00:21:52.000 You better learn how to strangle some fucking people.

00:21:56.000 Someone might want to try to take your gun.

00:21:58.000 Do you know that?

00:21:59.000 That can happen.

00:22:00.000 You better learn how to fight, bitch.

00:22:01.000 Are you crazy?

00:22:02.000 You're going to go out there with a gun and a fucking target and you don't even know how to fight.

00:22:07.000 I don't know how much they teach them.

00:22:08.000 I don't know how much it's dedicated to hand-to-hand combat, but that should be your whole job.

00:22:13.000 Hand-to-hand combat and how to hold onto your gun.

00:22:16.000 That should be like all your training.

00:22:17.000 Joey, the violence.

00:22:19.000 It's true.

00:22:19.000 Listen, man.

00:22:22.000 I'm just aware.

00:22:23.000 I'm just aware that there's some crazy motherfuckers out there.

00:22:27.000 Let's talk about showbiz a little.

00:22:29.000 You just did the theater in, where were you just?

00:22:32.000 Denver, the Paramount Theater in Denver.

00:22:34.000 Yeah, it was fucking awesome.

00:22:35.000 And how was that for you?

00:22:36.000 Oh, it was tremendous.

00:22:37.000 Because I like interviewing you too.

00:22:38.000 Oh, it was amazing.

00:22:40.000 Thank you.

00:22:40.000 Because now you're doing these big theaters, which is all from everything you've been working on.

00:22:46.000 It's all from this podcast.

00:22:47.000 So people should know how great this podcast is and what you can do for yourself.

00:22:52.000 You know, because my whole thing has always been about accomplishment in life.

00:22:56.000 And look what you're doing now.

00:22:57.000 I mean, you know, five years ago, I think you were still in clubs.

00:23:00.000 Now you're doing these big theaters.

00:23:02.000 Just two years ago, I was mostly doing clubs.

00:23:04.000 And that's commendable.

00:23:05.000 I mean, you're doing two, three, four thousand theaters now.

00:23:08.000 And that's because it is, because you're putting the work in.

00:23:10.000 I'm proud of you.

00:23:11.000 Thank you, brother.

00:23:12.000 Thank you very much.

00:23:13.000 I mean, I had done some theaters in the past.

00:23:15.000 Besides breaking limbs on cops, in between you go and do concerts, and that's a good thing.

00:23:21.000 I just want to help the cops.

00:23:22.000 No, I know you don't.

00:23:23.000 I know a lot of cops in MMA. I know a lot of cops because of jujitsu.

00:23:28.000 When people shit on cops, I've always been one to defend cops.

00:23:32.000 That's a really, really hard job.

00:23:34.000 I've talked to people.

00:23:35.000 I've heard horror stories, guys that are on the job.

00:23:37.000 And they're not trying to be assholes, but if you lived a life where your job, all day, people were lying to you.

00:23:43.000 All day, people lying to you and trying to get away with shit.

00:23:46.000 That's like most of the time.

00:23:48.000 If you're talking to somebody, they're lying to you.

00:23:49.000 When I was growing up, there were three things.

00:23:51.000 I either wanted to be doing what I'm doing now, a cop or an attorney.

00:23:56.000 You know how I changed my mind on being a cop?

00:23:58.000 When I would take the train in Brooklyn every day into Manhattan, what pricks people were just to fucking take a seat.

00:24:05.000 How they would just knock you out of the fucking way.

00:24:07.000 I go, I don't want to protect these motherfuckers.

00:24:09.000 I want to kill them.

00:24:10.000 You know what I mean?

00:24:11.000 So that changed my mind on that.

00:24:13.000 You know, and the attorney, well, let's face it, my schooling just wasn't up to par.

00:24:18.000 But he's good at mitigating.

00:24:20.000 Yeah, I can dissect.

00:24:21.000 Like, he can dissect.

00:24:22.000 Don't fight with him.

00:24:24.000 It's horrible.

00:24:25.000 Yeah, no, I know how to break it down like an attorney.

00:24:28.000 Even when my kids, when they were really little, used to have, like, an argument.

00:24:31.000 I'd take them in the living room, and I'd sit them down, and I'd go, okay, we're gonna have the trial.

00:24:36.000 It was horrible.

00:24:37.000 Oh, remember with the bathroom rack?

00:24:40.000 The broken thing?

00:24:41.000 In my bathroom, in the house that I let...

00:24:44.000 Eleanor.

00:24:45.000 I'm Eleanor.

00:24:45.000 Ellery, stay at.

00:24:47.000 No, no, no.

00:24:48.000 Eleanor.

00:24:48.000 Valerie.

00:24:49.000 Eleanor.

00:24:49.000 All right.

00:24:50.000 Sometimes I call her Valinor and she's Ellery.

00:24:52.000 It gets fucked up.

00:24:53.000 So there was this towel rack in my bathroom.

00:24:57.000 And one day, you know, near the shower, I come in and it's broken.

00:25:01.000 So, you know, I go to Max, I go to Dylan, I go, well, who broke the rack?

00:25:04.000 Nobody's admitting it.

00:25:05.000 So now the trial has to happen.

00:25:08.000 You know, and I just break down where they were, what they were doing.

00:25:12.000 Dylan was like so mad.

00:25:13.000 It's still going on.

00:25:14.000 The trial's still going on.

00:25:16.000 It's eight years later.

00:25:17.000 I'm going to get to the bottom of it, and then the punishment will happen.

00:25:22.000 Because I'll break their towel rack.

00:25:24.000 But I like that Max is staying quiet about it.

00:25:26.000 He's not ratting on his brother and he's not saying he didn't.

00:25:30.000 Well listen, because it might be Max.

00:25:32.000 First of all, Max, he knows he's got a great roll of the dice.

00:25:35.000 Yeah.

00:25:36.000 Like, literally.

00:25:37.000 Literally.

00:25:37.000 You've got a great roll of the dice in life.

00:25:39.000 That's right.

00:25:39.000 I mean, your father is Andrew Dice Clay.

00:25:41.000 That's a fucking...

00:25:41.000 You're already on Awesome Street from the jump.

00:25:44.000 You know what I mean?

00:25:45.000 What does your dad do?

00:25:47.000 Oh, my dad?

00:25:47.000 Oh, nothing.

00:25:48.000 Just Andrew Dice Clay.

00:25:50.000 You might have heard of him.

00:25:51.000 No, but you can't put it that way because I always brought them up that I am dad.

00:25:57.000 Yeah, but you are.

00:25:58.000 No, look, you are.

00:25:59.000 And you are very humble and you're very normal.

00:26:00.000 But you're still Andrew motherfucking Dice Clay.

00:26:03.000 And when you grow up having Andrew Dice Clay as a dad, that's pretty sweet.

00:26:08.000 It's different.

00:26:09.000 That's not, you know, your dad.

00:26:11.000 But now they're preparing.

00:26:12.000 They're doing the special with me.

00:26:13.000 That's right.

00:26:14.000 Yeah, no.

00:26:15.000 Red Man.

00:26:15.000 I saw them do Red Man.

00:26:17.000 What?

00:26:17.000 Red Man?

00:26:18.000 They did your show in Vegas.

00:26:21.000 Well, that's the rehearsal.

00:26:22.000 By the way, how great is the Riviera?

00:26:25.000 Don't you love it?

00:26:26.000 It's a goddamn, like, it's like a cultural experience.

00:26:28.000 We love the showroom.

00:26:30.000 They haven't changed those pictures in the walls in forever.

00:26:32.000 They have these photos from the Riviera from the 50s, the 60s, the 70s, the 80s.

00:26:36.000 I mean, it's like a history lesson.

00:26:37.000 It's incredible.

00:26:38.000 What a great place.

00:26:40.000 That's why I like playing in those older hotels.

00:26:42.000 I love that place.

00:26:43.000 So much character there.

00:26:44.000 And the showroom still has that feel of like if you were in there.

00:26:48.000 They actually shot Casino in that hotel.

00:26:50.000 Did they really?

00:26:51.000 Yeah, the movie Casino.

00:26:51.000 A lot of it.

00:26:51.000 Oh, that's right.

00:26:52.000 You know, I stayed in the casino room when...

00:26:55.000 Sharipa?

00:26:56.000 Yeah, Steve Sharipa used to book it.

00:26:57.000 Yeah, because you used to stay upstairs in the two-bedroom.

00:26:59.000 I'll put you in the Sinatra room.

00:27:01.000 Yeah, the two-floor room.

00:27:02.000 Joey, I got you in the Sinatra room.

00:27:04.000 Sharipa.

00:27:06.000 Sharipa's the greatest.

00:27:06.000 He was the best.

00:27:07.000 What a fucking great guy.

00:27:09.000 He was running the Riviera.

00:27:10.000 He would do all the comedy from the Riviera.

00:27:12.000 He was so fun.

00:27:13.000 I would so look forward to hanging out with him.

00:27:15.000 But man, you do not fuck with that guy, man.

00:27:17.000 I've seen that guy snap on people.

00:27:19.000 Holy shit, with some asshole.

00:27:21.000 Threw his cigarette on the carpet.

00:27:23.000 And Sharipa, Sharipa's a big fucking guy.

00:27:26.000 He got him.

00:27:26.000 Hey, asshole!

00:27:29.000 Pick that fucking butt up!

00:27:31.000 You do this shit in your house in front of your mother?

00:27:33.000 You fucking piece of shit, pick it up!

00:27:35.000 Get the fuck out of here!

00:27:37.000 He's a giant fucking guy.

00:27:38.000 He's a giant guy and he brought it to 10 immediately.

00:27:41.000 You could not be an asshole around Sharipa.

00:27:44.000 I love people with a short fuse.

00:27:46.000 Well, you can tell Sharipa has seen some real live violence.

00:27:50.000 He kicks it up to a level that lets you know.

00:27:53.000 You know what I mean?

00:27:54.000 That's not a faker's level.

00:27:56.000 That's a level.

00:27:57.000 He's willing to take it to a dark place.

00:28:00.000 A dark place right quick.

00:28:02.000 I know...

00:28:02.000 I can always smell dudes who are just ready to take it to DEFCON 4. DEFCON 4. And Sherpa's one of those.

00:28:09.000 You know, I want to fuck with that guy.

00:28:10.000 That's no bullshit.

00:28:11.000 He's a great guy, though.

00:28:13.000 I never had a problem with him.

00:28:14.000 I always loved talking to him.

00:28:15.000 He's such a fun guy.

00:28:16.000 He's a hilarious guy.

00:28:18.000 He could have easily done stand-up.

00:28:19.000 Oh, he's doing it now.

00:28:20.000 He should be doing it.

00:28:21.000 He could have easily been doing it.

00:28:23.000 Some people start late.

00:28:24.000 You know, I had this great talk with Sherpa when he was on Sopranos.

00:28:28.000 Like...

00:28:29.000 You know, almost like the talk we had years ago, only about, like, why aren't you setting yourself up for, like, an ABC sitcom?

00:28:36.000 He was perfect for it.

00:28:37.000 Right.

00:28:37.000 Like, to play a father.

00:28:39.000 Yeah.

00:28:39.000 And now Eleanor's telling me, well, he's first doing it now.

00:28:42.000 Well, I mean...

00:28:43.000 Now?

00:28:44.000 Yeah, he's doing a lot of stuff.

00:28:46.000 Because I thought he was, you know, even though he played a gangster on Sopranos...

00:28:49.000 You could see he's not a gangster.

00:28:51.000 You could see he could be a regular, nice guy.

00:28:53.000 Well, the guy that he played was really demure.

00:28:57.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:28:58.000 He's a really good actor for playing that part like that.

00:29:01.000 I mean, Tom Green didn't do stand-up until I told him when we did Apprentice.

00:29:04.000 I go, so you're going to hit the road?

00:29:05.000 I figured he did stand-up.

00:29:06.000 He goes, I don't do stand-up.

00:29:08.000 I go, What the fuck are you doing on the show then?

00:29:10.000 You know what I mean?

00:29:11.000 What are you doing?

00:29:12.000 What are you trying for here?

00:29:14.000 And then he started the stand-up.

00:29:15.000 Right after that, he started and never came home.

00:29:17.000 People are scared of stand-up.

00:29:19.000 Some people don't like it.

00:29:19.000 Well, it's a scary art.

00:29:20.000 You know what I mean?

00:29:21.000 I've got to be honest.

00:29:22.000 I'm a week away from shooting this special.

00:29:24.000 And I know I know my shit down pat now, but you start thinking, do I really know it?

00:29:30.000 Yeah.

00:29:30.000 Because once you're out there, you're alone.

00:29:32.000 It's you in the audience, and that's what it's about.

00:29:34.000 Do you do one show or two shows when you film a special?

00:29:36.000 I'm going to tape two shows.

00:29:37.000 I really only wanted to do one, but Showtime wanted me to do the two because I'd rather have my back against the wall and have to come out swinging because I feel like I've been a fighter waiting in the cage to go fight.

00:29:48.000 You know what I mean?

00:29:49.000 This is two years in the making, this special.

00:29:51.000 Yeah.

00:29:52.000 And it is a New Year's Eve special.

00:29:54.000 And, you know, I should say where I'm doing it.

00:29:56.000 We're doing it in Chicago.

00:29:58.000 What's the theater?

00:29:59.000 The Arcada Theater.

00:30:00.000 The Arcada Theater.

00:30:01.000 It's on sale now.

00:30:02.000 A-R-C-A-D-A Theater.

00:30:03.000 And it's actually going to be my last special.

00:30:06.000 It's going to be cool.

00:30:07.000 And not because I'm an old man.

00:30:09.000 I'm going to tour.

00:30:10.000 And, you know, I got other plans for movies.

00:30:12.000 And I got a book coming out by...

00:30:15.000 Not this year.

00:30:17.000 Into the early part of next year.

00:30:19.000 There's a lot I gotta do.

00:30:21.000 I just want to really do one more special that I feel I really owe myself and fans and really just fucking bang them over the head with this shit.

00:30:31.000 And, you know, just go out and win it.

00:30:33.000 Can I make a prediction?

00:30:35.000 I'm going to make a prediction.

00:30:36.000 All right.

00:30:38.000 The special that you're doing, this upcoming special in Chicago at the Arcata Theater, will create the resurgence that will make it impossible for you to not do another special.

00:30:50.000 Because when people realize how funny what you're doing is, when people realize, when people are starting to remember how fucking funny and hilarious some of your shit was, and when we went to see that special, or whatever you did, what version of you did in Vegas, that version is going to kick people's dick right in the dirt.

00:31:10.000 That shit was fucking funny.

00:31:13.000 That's why I talk about my respect for you as a comic, because you're in that thing that I'm in.

00:31:18.000 The kind of comedy you do, whatever we call our genre, whatever the fuck it is.

00:31:22.000 Balls out.

00:31:23.000 Balls out.

00:31:24.000 When you say it to me, I believe you.

00:31:26.000 Oh, you know what I mean?

00:31:27.000 You heard me laughing.

00:31:28.000 We were dying.

00:31:29.000 I'm telling you, the things you're doing and what I'm doing, we've got to team up.

00:31:33.000 We've got to do some shows.

00:31:34.000 I would love to do some shows.

00:31:35.000 You know what I mean?

00:31:35.000 Just me and you.

00:31:37.000 When I was an open-miker, dude, I used to listen to your cassette.

00:31:40.000 Your cassette in my fucking car.

00:31:42.000 I would listen to it on the way to gigs.

00:31:43.000 And I told you, I'll never forget this guy, Mike Donovan.

00:31:46.000 In the back of the Comedy Connection in Boston, crying, laughing, tears coming down his eyes, crying, laughing, listening to your The Day the Laughter Died, doing your impression of doing Nixon in a girl's ass, and he's crying, laughing, and I'll never forget that.

00:32:04.000 I'll never forget that.

00:32:05.000 That was, to me, as an up-and-coming comedian, I was just starting on, and I was listening to this established Boston comedian just laughing.

00:32:13.000 He was going, ah!

00:32:16.000 He was fucking crying.

00:32:17.000 Tears were coming down his eyes.

00:32:19.000 It was so silly to him.

00:32:21.000 It was so great.

00:32:21.000 Well, the thing is, you have that effect, too, and that's why we'd be great together.

00:32:25.000 And it's funny.

00:32:25.000 Anytime I want to do shows with what we'd call headliner stars, it's always hard because of...

00:32:32.000 Like egos, who goes on after who, and I'm like, you know, just like we talked about fighting last time, that you'd be the only guy in comedy I wouldn't want to fight, because there's no way to walk away a winner in something like that.

00:32:42.000 Oh, I would fight him.

00:32:43.000 No, I wouldn't fight him.

00:32:44.000 I mean, if I had to, I mean, if you push the buttons.

00:32:48.000 Eleanor would be like a wild cat in the room.

00:32:49.000 But nobody's going home saying, I didn't get hurt.

00:32:53.000 You know what I mean?

00:32:53.000 So he's that guy.

00:32:55.000 So it would be the same thing if we were working together.

00:32:57.000 Like he would be the only guy that I'm going, you know what?

00:33:01.000 If he's got to close the show, let him close the show because he's a fucking animal.

00:33:06.000 You know what I mean?

00:33:07.000 You know, most comics can't go on after me.

00:33:10.000 That's true.

00:33:10.000 So I don't even know how it would work, but either way it would be fine by me.

00:33:13.000 I would do it any way and I would be honored.

00:33:15.000 It would be so fun.

00:33:16.000 Yeah, but I'm saying, I don't know if I want to go on after you.

00:33:19.000 Because you really, you know, when you get that first shot at the crowd, it's like you don't have the pressure to close the show.

00:33:26.000 That happened when I did a show with that fucking Bill Maher, this asshole.

00:33:32.000 That, you know, and I wanted to do the show.

00:33:35.000 This is the last time, you know, I did over, you know.

00:33:38.000 What happened?

00:33:38.000 300 arena shows, okay?

00:33:41.000 No, I'm going to tell you what happened.

00:33:43.000 I did over 300 arena shows, right?

00:33:45.000 This is before computers.

00:33:47.000 This is before hard ticket sales.

00:33:49.000 So, in 2000, when I was going back to the garden, you know, I was thinking, who could open that show for me?

00:33:56.000 And I saw a special from Bill Maul.

00:33:58.000 When he does his regular stand-up, he's a filthy, dirty pig like I am on stage, okay?

00:34:04.000 So I call Bill and I say, you know what?

00:34:07.000 You've always been great with me.

00:34:08.000 You know, when I come on your politically incorrect show, whether it was on MTV or ABC, whenever he did it, I would always do it and he was great.

00:34:17.000 So I said, so why don't you do, I went back to the garden in 2000, I said, why don't you do the garden with me?

00:34:22.000 And he goes, well, I'm not an opening act.

00:34:25.000 I go, I'm not calling you as an opening act.

00:34:27.000 I go, I'm calling, we'll co-headline.

00:34:30.000 Everything's equal.

00:34:31.000 And the bottom line, he was afraid to do it, I could tell.

00:34:35.000 And so we decide, I said, we'll go somewhere else in the country and see how it works.

00:34:39.000 So we pick Phoenix, the celebrity theater in Phoenix.

00:34:43.000 So I'm going to close the show, right?

00:34:44.000 Jim Norton's going to open it.

00:34:46.000 I'm going to go on at the end and Bill will go on after Norton.

00:34:50.000 So two days before the show, my agent calls me up and he's like, I got a call from his people saying he wants to close the show.

00:34:59.000 And I just said, you know what?

00:35:00.000 That's up to him.

00:35:01.000 I don't care.

00:35:02.000 I go, all these fucking guys are the same.

00:35:04.000 It's unbelievable.

00:35:05.000 I go, if he wants to go on after me, let him go on after me.

00:35:08.000 Good luck, bitch.

00:35:10.000 Well, no, I'm going to tell you what happened.

00:35:11.000 So the night of the show, you know...

00:35:14.000 I'm already on stage, you know, because Norton went up, and now, like I'm telling you, I feel no pressure to close the show.

00:35:20.000 So I do the kind of, I go fucking nuts.

00:35:24.000 And Bill actually shows up as I'm doing the show.

00:35:28.000 And he sees this crowd going fucking ballistic.

00:35:31.000 So now, it's time for him to go on.

00:35:34.000 And, you know, he sets up on the stage, he sets up on the stage a music stand with cardboard notes of his act.

00:35:44.000 So now he's brought on stage.

00:35:46.000 He's brought on stage.

00:35:47.000 I'm behind the curtain watching.

00:35:49.000 And he freezes.

00:35:51.000 I mean, really freezes.

00:35:53.000 He doesn't talk.

00:35:53.000 And I'm back there going, fucking say something!

00:35:56.000 You know, like I'm...

00:35:57.000 He gets booed off the stage in four fucking minutes.

00:36:02.000 Now he's in his dressing room doing whatever he's doing to relax himself.

00:36:06.000 So he had only gone on stage for four minutes?

00:36:09.000 Four minutes.

00:36:09.000 He comes off, but now the promoter comes.

00:36:11.000 He goes, I don't want to give money back.

00:36:12.000 We've got to get this guy back on stage.

00:36:14.000 So I go in the dressing room.

00:36:16.000 I'm talking to him as he's doing whatever he's doing.

00:36:20.000 And I said, Bill, you know, it's rock and roll comedy, man.

00:36:24.000 Just go out there.

00:36:25.000 And he starts going up the steps and he starts screaming, I'm a fucking monologist!

00:36:30.000 And I want to look at him and go, well, what the fuck am I? Because I'm in a leather room, not a monologist?

00:36:35.000 Yeah, right.

00:36:35.000 You know, so he goes on and maybe a third of the crowd is left, right?

00:36:43.000 And this asshole, after every joke, they're like, the audience is taking pot shots.

00:36:47.000 You fucking suck!

00:36:50.000 Asshole!

00:36:50.000 And then you see him run to the camera that he was filming at set to get the tape.

00:36:55.000 Because I would have loved to have that fucking tape.

00:36:58.000 And after the show, he's making all the excuses.

00:37:01.000 And I want to say, asshole, why on earth would you ever want to follow a guy that's done the fucking Rose Bowl?

00:37:10.000 You're not that kind of fucking performer.

00:37:13.000 But I let him off the hook because he was fucking frazzled and he was just trying to save face.

00:37:18.000 But he's a fucking douchebag.

00:37:21.000 That's a terrible ego move.

00:37:22.000 When I see him on his show with the Politically Incorrect, I look at him like, yeah, we really know who you are, don't we?

00:37:28.000 That's how I look at this guy.

00:37:30.000 Like, you got no fucking chops.

00:37:33.000 You just got no fucking chops.

00:37:35.000 But see, I would do a show with you knowing you're going in front of me, knowing you're going to fucking kill him, because that just brings me up.

00:37:43.000 Exactly.

00:37:43.000 Now I got to ride.

00:37:44.000 It's just like doing this movie, I'm up against Alec Baldwin, Cate Blanchett, Sally Hawkins.

00:37:51.000 These are fucking Academy nominees, Golden Globe winners.

00:37:55.000 And I'm going, you're just going to have to rise to the fucking occasion.

00:37:58.000 The better the actor, the better my work's gonna be.

00:38:01.000 The same thing with the better...

00:38:02.000 Like, Norton was probably the best opening act I ever had as a guy.

00:38:06.000 Excuse me.

00:38:06.000 I got you.

00:38:07.000 Because I will say, Eleanor, to me, is the best female stand-up in the country.

00:38:11.000 She just needs that exposure now.

00:38:13.000 But Norton would come on and fucking slay the crowd.

00:38:17.000 Yeah.

00:38:18.000 Every time, all fucking day long.

00:38:21.000 He's the only show I went to over the last four years to just sit and go to the show and watch him work.

00:38:27.000 And I sat through two shows and he was just great.

00:38:29.000 Yeah, I saw him in Austin.

00:38:31.000 He was fucking phenomenal.

00:38:32.000 Yeah, he's a great, great...

00:38:33.000 He's one of the great comics of today, you know what I mean?

00:38:36.000 Yes, definitely.

00:38:36.000 And again, it's the same sort of ridiculous fucking over-exaggerated, hilarious kind of stand-up comedy.

00:38:44.000 Very, very dirty, very out there...

00:38:47.000 But, you know, it's a fucking legitimate art form.

00:38:50.000 It really pisses me off when guys like you or guys like Norton or anybody who does something that's particularly dirty or crass, whatever, that it doesn't get as much respect.

00:39:00.000 It's so stupid.

00:39:01.000 They say it's easy to do.

00:39:03.000 Well, no, this is my point.

00:39:04.000 They're denying that it's hilarious.

00:39:06.000 They're trying to pretend like, well, the other way is harder to do, so it's better.

00:39:10.000 Well, that's not true.

00:39:11.000 Just because it's harder to make something clean and clever It doesn't mean it's better.

00:39:15.000 No, it's not better.

00:39:15.000 Because guess what?

00:39:16.000 The dirty stuff makes me laugh.

00:39:18.000 It doesn't mean I don't have intellectual interest.

00:39:20.000 Let me tell you...

00:39:20.000 When it comes to comedy, that shit is a legitimate fucking art form.

00:39:25.000 I was just at a...

00:39:26.000 You know, like I said, I've been going all over the country preparing the specials.

00:39:29.000 I was just at Governors.

00:39:30.000 And you know Governors.

00:39:31.000 You've been there.

00:39:33.000 Everybody's been there.

00:39:33.000 The best.

00:39:33.000 But everybody's been there.

00:39:35.000 Great club.

00:39:35.000 Oh, yeah.

00:39:35.000 So after the show, the owners, Mark and James, they say to me, we voted you tonight the biggest laughs that ever happened in this room.

00:39:43.000 So I don't care, dirty, clean, the biggest laughs that ever happened.

00:39:48.000 That's what they want.

00:39:48.000 And that's the bottom line, laughing.

00:39:50.000 And let me tell you something about dirty humor.

00:39:52.000 It's not so dirty when you're talking about everything that goes on in life in a comedic, cartoonish way.

00:39:58.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:39:59.000 I mean, Eleanor became great because she's facing the hardest crowds to face.

00:40:04.000 Right.

00:40:05.000 I would think your crowds are the other hardest crowds to face.

00:40:08.000 You have animal audiences, real people, blue-collar people coming to see you perform.

00:40:14.000 Hardcore.

00:40:15.000 Yeah, right?

00:40:16.000 Yeah, they're hardcore.

00:40:17.000 I mean, the first time she worked at Westbury with me, she got booed off.

00:40:20.000 Why do you always have to bring that?

00:40:21.000 No, because what I admired about it is she was really green.

00:40:25.000 You took a 15 minute intermission.

00:40:26.000 Shut up.

00:40:27.000 Shut your mouth.

00:40:27.000 You took a 15 minute intermission.

00:40:29.000 I am trying to say something nice about you.

00:40:32.000 Defend my honor.

00:40:33.000 Thank you.

00:40:34.000 I am defending.

00:40:34.000 But the fact that she was doing comedy three months and had the balls to face that fucking crowd was where I gave her the respect.

00:40:42.000 And now she goes out and she just slays the crowd because they've been the hardest crowds.

00:40:48.000 It's like basic training when you open for me.

00:40:51.000 Yeah, because they don't want you.

00:40:53.000 They don't want to hear you.

00:40:54.000 They want to hear him.

00:40:54.000 That's it.

00:40:55.000 Well, you know what's funny?

00:40:56.000 Because of the podcast, all the people that work with me on the road are all my friends from the podcast.

00:41:01.000 It's all Joey Diaz and Ari Shafir and Duncan Trussell and Brendan Walsh.

00:41:06.000 I love Trussell.

00:41:07.000 He loves Duncan.

00:41:08.000 I love Duncan.

00:41:09.000 The fucking puppet.

00:41:10.000 The puppet, the little hobo.

00:41:11.000 How funny is that?

00:41:11.000 When he does that thing with the thing and they say like, Pink Floyd, wish you were here.

00:41:16.000 Yeah, with the fucking prayer.

00:41:17.000 Oh, that's genius.

00:41:17.000 One night he did it.

00:41:18.000 I wanted to fucking throw him such a beating because he didn't put his heart into it.

00:41:22.000 And I sat there through the whole fucking act waiting for the puppet to turn into the devil, whatever.

00:41:27.000 I hope Duncan's listening.

00:41:28.000 With the prayer and see people running from the showroom.

00:41:31.000 And he didn't do it the way I wanted.

00:41:33.000 And I was like, I fucking told you, do the fucking prayer.

00:41:38.000 We're talking.

00:41:38.000 I go, if I'm going to sit in a room and watch you, I want to see the fucking prayer.

00:41:42.000 I don't care.

00:41:43.000 I learned my whole act, Eleanor, going on stage at two in the morning, two in the fucking morning.

00:41:50.000 People are sleeping on their fucking table.

00:41:52.000 That's right.

00:41:53.000 And that's how you...

00:41:54.000 I even tell Max that.

00:41:55.000 I go, when you play these places like Marty's and there's five people...

00:41:59.000 Who gives a fuck about who's sitting there?

00:42:01.000 That's true.

00:42:01.000 I agree with that.

00:42:02.000 Just work your bits because if you can work the silence, the laughs are going to be easy.

00:42:07.000 Yeah.

00:42:07.000 Me and Kennison were on every night, back to back, between 1 and 2 in the morning.

00:42:12.000 We were the last two acts.

00:42:13.000 That's normally when I go on, too.

00:42:14.000 This is before you ever came out to LA. And the crowd, whoever was there, walked out knowing they saw something special.

00:42:21.000 You know, it wasn't just one after the other.

00:42:23.000 Well, my parents, who gives a fuck if they live a dog?

00:42:26.000 You know what I mean?

00:42:28.000 You know, doing a real fucking...

00:42:30.000 Like my son Max, when he's putting bits together.

00:42:33.000 You know, certain things when I do on stage are very like...

00:42:36.000 You know, out there, and it's just for the effect of making them laugh.

00:42:40.000 And other things, like when I talk about these new generation pigs and how they are, you know, the generation...

00:42:47.000 How you want them.

00:42:47.000 You know, years ago, like, I always knew what slobs women were in bed.

00:42:51.000 Right, Eleanor?

00:42:52.000 Yes.

00:42:52.000 Yeah, because...

00:42:53.000 That was weird.

00:42:54.000 Here she is.

00:42:54.000 You know, but...

00:42:55.000 Just put that right on me.

00:42:57.000 But, you know, 20 years ago, they didn't want to admit to the pigs that they are.

00:43:02.000 Today, they're so aggressive...

00:43:05.000 It's so much material to talk about on stage.

00:43:08.000 Like, when I get a friend calling me and going, so I went out with this girl, I wind up doing everything to her, that when I banged her ass, she looked at me and said, I used to be really good at this.

00:43:19.000 I'm thinking, what, taking a jiffy lube?

00:43:22.000 You know what I mean?

00:43:23.000 The guy is like, no, because a girl 20 years ago would never look back at you and say, I used to be good at this.

00:43:32.000 No, at anything.

00:43:34.000 They would just, if they even did that, they wouldn't even talk about it.

00:43:37.000 Today, they're almost giving you a fucking checklist of what they will and won't do, and you feel like the chick.

00:43:45.000 That the next day, after you've done everything to them, my friend's going, so I call the girl, you know, the call to say, how you doing today?

00:43:52.000 She's going, I'll call you back in a few, and it's been three fucking days.

00:43:56.000 Like, she did everything and couldn't care less about it.

00:43:59.000 That sounds It sounds like a dude who didn't fuck her correctly.

00:44:01.000 No, no.

00:44:02.000 Possibly.

00:44:02.000 Let me tell you something.

00:44:03.000 He missed something.

00:44:04.000 He didn't follow the GPS properly.

00:44:06.000 Let me tell you something.

00:44:07.000 I went to a fucking ton of them between Eleanor and Valerie.

00:44:11.000 You know, just one after the other.

00:44:13.000 We're not a ton.

00:44:13.000 Load after fucking load.

00:44:14.000 I'm not even doing material.

00:44:15.000 Oh, you mean in between us.

00:44:16.000 It just sounds like in between Eleanor and meeting my wife, it was a revolving door.

00:44:21.000 You know, that even Max nearly got to bang one of them.

00:44:25.000 That's true.

00:44:26.000 Which was ridiculous.

00:44:30.000 I set him up with some people.

00:44:32.000 It was good.

00:44:33.000 No, but what I'm saying is, so I saw what was out there.

00:44:37.000 And it's like...

00:44:39.000 You know, they really do that.

00:44:40.000 I don't care how good you are in bed.

00:44:42.000 A girl could just bang a guy and the next day forget it.

00:44:46.000 Like we used to do, have a one night stand.

00:44:48.000 That's how they look at it now.

00:44:50.000 It's definitely a different world.

00:44:51.000 It's a harder world.

00:44:53.000 Please.

00:44:53.000 It's a different world.

00:44:55.000 Please.

00:44:55.000 The age of information.

00:44:56.000 Because of the fact that they can get on their phone and watch someone take it in the ass.

00:44:58.000 They grew up on porn.

00:44:59.000 And you can't stop them.

00:45:00.000 You can't stop them.

00:45:01.000 They grew up on fucking porn.

00:45:03.000 Girls today at 19 feel if they didn't post a picture of their asshole lips on the internet, they're not as hip as their fucking girlfriends are.

00:45:11.000 It's true.

00:45:12.000 You know how they say being 40 years old?

00:45:16.000 Now I know what my new profile picture will be.

00:45:18.000 Being 40 years old is like the new 30. I think anybody who says that's an asshole.

00:45:22.000 No, but you know how they do that?

00:45:24.000 Like green is the new blue?

00:45:26.000 Yeah.

00:45:26.000 The asshole has become the new pussy.

00:45:30.000 It's the new fucking pussy.

00:45:31.000 It's like, come on, what happened to the pussy?

00:45:33.000 Because they blow it out of control.

00:45:35.000 Yeah.

00:45:36.000 I guess people don't want to get pregnant.

00:45:37.000 They blow it out of control, Joey.

00:45:38.000 They blow it out of...

00:45:39.000 What am I going to do?

00:45:40.000 They want to fuck and they don't want to get anybody pregnant.

00:45:42.000 Yeah, but that's disgusting.

00:45:43.000 I don't want to get pregnant.

00:45:44.000 It's too bad there's not an extra vagina.

00:45:46.000 It's like you have a baby making vagina and then, you know...

00:45:49.000 It's 2012. All you got to do is take that pill right after.

00:45:52.000 And then the asshole would just leave it alone.

00:45:54.000 But we wouldn't even leave it alone.

00:45:55.000 Morning after pill.

00:45:56.000 Oh, the morning after pill.

00:45:56.000 I have a thousand of those on my dresser.

00:45:58.000 Oh, how dare you.

00:45:59.000 Fucking Eleanor.

00:46:03.000 Fucking Eleanor's got a big date.

00:46:04.000 She's got a big date set in Vegas now.

00:46:09.000 Eleanor's going to be opening the show in Chicago.

00:46:11.000 We've got to talk about that.

00:46:13.000 I'm very excited about it.

00:46:15.000 And we have L.A. Rocks.

00:46:16.000 Yeah, the band's going to be opening up the show also in Chicago.

00:46:19.000 Max kicks that baritone down a couple of notches when he gets on the mic.

00:46:23.000 LA Rocks.

00:46:24.000 Kids got presents!

00:46:25.000 We just picked up the drum skin, right?

00:46:27.000 Just got the drum skin a few minutes ago.

00:46:29.000 The first official LA Rocks drum skin.

00:46:30.000 I think it's so cool that you have this show where you, you know, it's like you're traveling with family, you know, and I think that's a really important aspect of the road, and that's one of the things that's made it big for me, is that when I do these shows, like with Joey Diaz, or with Duncan Trussell, these guys are my family.

00:46:45.000 They're my friends.

00:46:46.000 We've been friends for a decade plus, and we always will be.

00:46:49.000 So when we go on the road together, it's just...

00:46:51.000 It's your family.

00:46:52.000 It's our It's no headaches.

00:46:54.000 It's no headaches.

00:46:56.000 But you know what I mean?

00:46:57.000 But you don't want to hassle.

00:46:58.000 I mean, how long do I know you now?

00:47:00.000 Oh my god, like almost 19 years.

00:47:03.000 Almost 20 years.

00:47:04.000 For the folks who don't know, Eleanor was the funniest waitress ever at the comedy store.

00:47:09.000 And everybody tried to talk to you.

00:47:10.000 I don't know if I tried to talk you into doing stand-up.

00:47:12.000 I'm sure I must have.

00:47:13.000 Joe, I was engaged to this fucking girl, right?

00:47:17.000 And I would tell her...

00:47:18.000 That's an awesome way to say it.

00:47:20.000 Do you know where he asked me to marry him?

00:47:22.000 In the fucking parking lot of the comedy store.

00:47:24.000 Oh, no.

00:47:24.000 You know why?

00:47:26.000 You know why?

00:47:26.000 This is what happens, right?

00:47:28.000 We break up.

00:47:28.000 We're broken up for six weeks, right?

00:47:30.000 Right.

00:47:31.000 Why?

00:47:31.000 Now I get the call because I was having all these fights at the comedy store for like about six, seven months.

00:47:39.000 I was under a lot of pressure from the ex-wife with the kids and everything going on.

00:47:44.000 Kids are fine.

00:47:45.000 We have a blast together.

00:47:45.000 If somebody fucked with me, I would get physical.

00:47:47.000 Oh.

00:47:48.000 You know, that was one time I was kicking this guy's head in the front of the store, the cops, it was crazy.

00:47:53.000 So now, fucking Dom Herrera...

00:47:57.000 Hey, hey, hey.

00:47:57.000 No, shut up.

00:47:58.000 See what I mean?

00:47:59.000 She goes, hey, hey, hey.

00:48:00.000 Yeah, you guys had like a confrontation.

00:48:01.000 No, no, but Dom has always been, you know, since the day I took off, it was always...

00:48:05.000 And I love Dom as a comic.

00:48:07.000 He's one of the great comics.

00:48:09.000 True.

00:48:09.000 But he would always bring up that I'm Jewish.

00:48:13.000 Like a Jew can't be good looking from Brooklyn and have a fucking attitude if he's not Italian, right?

00:48:19.000 So he would go on radio shows and say my last name.

00:48:22.000 Why are you bringing this up?

00:48:23.000 No, I'm telling you what happened.

00:48:24.000 But Eleanor's really great friends with Dom, which is fine.

00:48:28.000 As am I. But now one night, you know, I've had a couple things happen with Dom where he did this Jew thing and I'd have to get in his face and straighten him out.

00:48:36.000 But without violence, right?

00:48:37.000 Right.

00:48:38.000 So now a couple years goes by.

00:48:40.000 Now I'm on stage in the original room, just working on material on a Monday night.

00:48:44.000 I'm not on for more than 15 minutes.

00:48:47.000 And here comes Dom, and I want to make fun of him.

00:48:51.000 And he's going, when are you going to be done?

00:48:53.000 He's interrupting me now.

00:48:55.000 And you know what?

00:48:56.000 You don't interrupt somebody that's done what I've done.

00:48:58.000 We're not at the Comedy Factory outlet anymore.

00:49:00.000 You're not even in my fucking league.

00:49:02.000 You know what I mean?

00:49:04.000 I go, Dom, do yourself a favor.

00:49:06.000 Get out of the room.

00:49:06.000 I'm trying to help you here.

00:49:09.000 And he keeps going.

00:49:10.000 And I said, you know what?

00:49:11.000 You want me to come off stage?

00:49:12.000 I'm coming off the fucking stage.

00:49:14.000 And I come after him.

00:49:15.000 And I get him at the front booth at a comedy store.

00:49:18.000 And he makes the mistake of touching me.

00:49:21.000 And I slam him against the wall.

00:49:24.000 His head breaks a fucking one of the 8x10s on the wall.

00:49:28.000 And I'm going to bash his face.

00:49:30.000 But Ari jumps on me.

00:49:32.000 And Steve Renazizi jumps on me.

00:49:34.000 And Steve Simone jumps on me.

00:49:37.000 And then this fucking asshole wants to walk by me and go, I'm funnier than you.

00:49:41.000 So now I got to grab him by the back of his jacket.

00:49:44.000 I pull him back.

00:49:44.000 I'm like...

00:49:46.000 Why the fuck would you even put yourself in the same league with me?

00:49:49.000 You're a fucking club hack.

00:49:51.000 That's all you are.

00:49:53.000 I've played the biggest fucking places in the world.

00:49:55.000 Get the fuck out of this place.

00:49:57.000 I throw them down the steps, right?

00:49:59.000 Well, now I'm in the back and I'm actually angry at her because she has broken up about five fights at the comedy store.

00:50:06.000 But Steve Simone, let me finish.

00:50:08.000 Let me finish.

00:50:09.000 So Steve Simone, I go, where the fuck was Eleanor?

00:50:13.000 Because I can't lift my hands to anybody.

00:50:14.000 If he didn't touch me, I couldn't have done anything.

00:50:17.000 So she goes, she said, let them work it out themselves.

00:50:20.000 I did not!

00:50:21.000 I'm telling you what the fuck he said.

00:50:23.000 I'm telling you what the fuck happened.

00:50:24.000 So now, the next morning, me and Eleanor have the fight over this.

00:50:30.000 So, you know, she leaves, slams the door.

00:50:33.000 We're broken up.

00:50:33.000 Six weeks goes by.

00:50:35.000 Now she calls me and says, I'm moving to New York.

00:50:39.000 Okay?

00:50:40.000 So I'm actually going to pick up Dylan, who's doing Hebrew lessons.

00:50:45.000 And me and Max are talking about it.

00:50:46.000 And I go, all right, we can't let her leave.

00:50:48.000 So I go to the comedy store.

00:50:50.000 I said, so let's get married.

00:50:51.000 Let's just get married.

00:50:52.000 Forget the fight.

00:50:52.000 You know what I mean?

00:50:53.000 So we, you know, we do like an instant, you know, engagement.

00:50:57.000 You know, and...

00:50:59.000 And that's how we got engaged.

00:51:04.000 She's sticking up for Dom.

00:51:06.000 That's why I always mean that when you're going with a girl, every comic in the world was calling her.

00:51:11.000 That's not what it's about.

00:51:12.000 And I go, look, I'm your fucking guy.

00:51:14.000 I don't give a fuck about Dom.

00:51:16.000 He's a nice guy.

00:51:17.000 He's a good comic.

00:51:18.000 When it comes to anything between me and you, we're the couple.

00:51:21.000 I'm the one on top of you pummeling away every night.

00:51:24.000 You're going to bring that into it?

00:51:25.000 Not dumb.

00:51:26.000 You're not looking at a fucking facet down fucking face.

00:51:28.000 That has nothing to do.

00:51:29.000 It had a lot to do with it.

00:51:31.000 Ask Max.

00:51:32.000 Wait, time out.

00:51:32.000 Ask Max.

00:51:33.000 Why are you so hyper over this?

00:51:35.000 I'm not hyper.

00:51:35.000 No, I want to fight this out.

00:51:36.000 You have to let us fight this out because he started.

00:51:39.000 No, first of all, it has nothing to do with that.

00:51:41.000 I got a fucking special to talk about.

00:51:42.000 You are going through personal shit.

00:51:44.000 Yes.

00:51:45.000 And so it was affecting every night at the store.

00:51:48.000 Everything.

00:51:48.000 And so when I quit, I thought that would be better.

00:51:50.000 And then we did live together for a year, but it didn't work out.

00:51:53.000 Our engagement's fine.

00:51:54.000 I'm your sister-wife now.

00:51:55.000 No, she's the greatest girl in the world.

00:51:56.000 I love her.

00:51:57.000 I'm best friends with his wife.

00:51:58.000 Yeah, that's so bizarre.

00:51:59.000 He's one of the greatest guys in the world.

00:52:01.000 He was just literally...

00:52:02.000 And he truly is.

00:52:02.000 But you know that that's a bizarre scenario.

00:52:04.000 That I went out with him.

00:52:05.000 Absolutely.

00:52:05.000 Yeah, first of all, a complete...

00:52:06.000 My mother's still not over it.

00:52:07.000 But it's fine.

00:52:08.000 I'm kidding.

00:52:09.000 On Dice's part.

00:52:10.000 Yeah, it's ridiculous.

00:52:11.000 Because it's not easy to score the captain of the cheerleaders.

00:52:13.000 You want to know something?

00:52:14.000 I always thought Eleanor was a nice girl.

00:52:16.000 I never made moves towards her.

00:52:17.000 And when I actually started coming on to her, all she knew I was happily married with two kids.

00:52:23.000 You know, she actually...

00:52:25.000 Was babysitting my kids in Vegas when they were like...

00:52:28.000 I babysat once.

00:52:29.000 No, but how old were they at the time?

00:52:30.000 Dylan was how old?

00:52:31.000 Dylan was like two, I think.

00:52:32.000 Two?

00:52:33.000 I was like six.

00:52:33.000 So Max is six.

00:52:34.000 Yeah.

00:52:35.000 You know, so I mean, you know, I would do anything in the world, Felino.

00:52:38.000 We are family.

00:52:40.000 I do love family.

00:52:41.000 But that's how it came down.

00:52:43.000 So I was just aggravated that out of all the arguments and fights I was getting at in the comedy store, that she didn't come back me up on the Irera fight.

00:52:52.000 P.S. And nothing against Dom.

00:52:54.000 You know, because Dom did have the balls.

00:52:56.000 I got a lot of respect from him because after the fight, all of a sudden, here comes Dom into the kitchen, and I'm standing next to Eleanor now, and I'm coming down from the whole thing, and he goes, Dice, I want to talk to you.

00:53:08.000 And I'm like, Dom, it's the biggest mistake you can make coming near me now.

00:53:13.000 And he kept coming, and in my mind, I'm going, if this guy has the guts to get within arm's reach, I'm going to talk to him.

00:53:19.000 And then we talked it out for two hours, and we haven't talked since.

00:53:23.000 But anything, it's all good.

00:53:25.000 Listen, I love both of you, and I love Dom Arrera like a brother.

00:53:29.000 Dom can be a little hostile, though, on occasion, especially if he feels disrespected.

00:53:34.000 And let me tell you something, if Dom was a different way, we were on the same special with Rodney.

00:53:39.000 See, with Dom, I got a history with Dom, because when I used to do Philly as a struggling comic, I would always headline the Comedy Factory outlet.

00:53:47.000 And Dom is from Philly.

00:53:49.000 I was from Brooklyn.

00:53:50.000 So Clay Heary, who owned the club, would have booked Dom a lot of times to open the show for me.

00:53:55.000 So all the way from then to the Rodney special, and then I just blew up from the Rodney special, and he started right away with the, to me, anti-Semitic bullshit.

00:54:06.000 Because if he didn't, he would have been the perfect opening act for all those arenas.

00:54:11.000 Why did everybody assume that your accent was an Italian thing?

00:54:16.000 Because of my look.

00:54:18.000 You know what I mean?

00:54:19.000 When you think of a Jew, you think of Ari.

00:54:24.000 You know what I mean?

00:54:25.000 And Ari knows that.

00:54:27.000 You know what I mean?

00:54:28.000 If you are a decent-looking person with an attitude, immediately you're an Italian guy.

00:54:34.000 But what was hilarious is, like, what Italian do you know that wears a giant motorcycle jacket with the collar up?

00:54:40.000 Like, the whole thing is so cartoonish.

00:54:40.000 Well, it's more about the attitude.

00:54:42.000 I've always had a certain attitude.

00:54:44.000 Right, but it's more of a New York thing than it is an Italian thing, but for whatever reason...

00:54:50.000 But people think it in that way.

00:54:52.000 Yeah, Italians have clung on to that.

00:54:54.000 I would see arguments go on between two men about my mother being Italian.

00:55:02.000 And I would go, no, she's Jewish.

00:55:04.000 She's my mother.

00:55:05.000 I would know.

00:55:05.000 And they'd be like, dice.

00:55:06.000 And these are like gangster guys going, you don't know what you're talking about.

00:55:10.000 This is between me and him.

00:55:11.000 But it's my mother.

00:55:13.000 I know what my mother is.

00:55:15.000 Where was this?

00:55:16.000 This is in Brooklyn.

00:55:17.000 This was at a flea market that they turned a Sears department store into a flea market.

00:55:23.000 Ugh.

00:55:23.000 So I go there like every Saturday because I love to shop and buy cotton things and, you know, wristbands, sweatshirts, sweat socks.

00:55:35.000 I couldn't buy enough of them and it was all booths.

00:55:38.000 You know what I mean?

00:55:39.000 And I love going there.

00:55:40.000 And this is when I was doing like Nassau Coliseum.

00:55:43.000 So people would freak out that I'm there.

00:55:44.000 So all these fights would start.

00:55:46.000 Because the minute I'd be around guys, they would turn their attitudes on.

00:55:51.000 Right.

00:55:52.000 Like they had to like out dice dice.

00:55:54.000 It was crazy in Brooklyn for me.

00:55:56.000 But I love it.

00:55:57.000 Whenever you get around any young men looking to prove themselves and you're a famous.

00:56:01.000 These were 50 year olds.

00:56:03.000 I was 30. You know what I mean?

00:56:05.000 And going, Dice, you don't understand.

00:56:07.000 I know your mother for 25 years.

00:56:08.000 I go, but I know her since I was born.

00:56:11.000 I was bar mitzvahed.

00:56:12.000 They cut half my dick off when I was born.

00:56:14.000 I had a bris.

00:56:15.000 They wanted to claim you.

00:56:16.000 It was hysterical.

00:56:20.000 But it's not like you ever said that you were Italian.

00:56:26.000 It's not like anything you ever hid.

00:56:27.000 It's weird.

00:56:28.000 It's just for whatever reason, they claimed it for a little while.

00:56:31.000 Sure, but he's mocking a cadence in Brooklyn.

00:56:34.000 They're still claiming it in.

00:56:35.000 But you know, I grew up in a neighborhood.

00:56:36.000 It was all Jews and Italians.

00:56:38.000 That's what I grew up with.

00:56:39.000 But the thing that disturbs me is that living in New York, I know a lot of Jews who talk exactly the same way.

00:56:45.000 Exactly.

00:56:46.000 You want to know what's funny?

00:56:46.000 It's not a thing that only Italians talk.

00:56:49.000 You know what's funny, Redmond?

00:56:50.000 It was the Irish guys that I'd fight, that would put me in the hospital all the time.

00:56:57.000 And then that's what I wind up.

00:56:59.000 My ex-wife is Irish.

00:57:01.000 Fucking Eleanor is Irish.

00:57:04.000 I grew up with a lot of Irish dudes.

00:57:06.000 I had a friend who had his finger bitten off in a street fight when he was on PCP and he had his toe cut off to replace the finger and he had it permanently bent so he could keep throwing his right hook.

00:57:19.000 So he would shake your hand.

00:57:21.000 Well, he was on PCP. He might have cut his own finger off.

00:57:23.000 When you would shake your hand, his finger would be like tickling.

00:57:27.000 But he was a hell of a boxing coach.

00:57:29.000 Joe Lake.

00:57:29.000 Shout out to Joe Lake.

00:57:30.000 Joe Lake.

00:57:31.000 He's a great guy.

00:57:32.000 Joey.

00:57:32.000 I don't know who he is.

00:57:33.000 Tremendous guy.

00:57:34.000 Joey fucking L. I love the Irish.

00:57:40.000 Like, if you made a movie about my friend Joe Lake, who's a longshoreman, who was a professional boxer, a great boxing coach, trained a bunch of great boxers, and he was a fucking animal.

00:57:49.000 He was an animal.

00:57:50.000 Talking about fighting.

00:57:52.000 You don't know psychos like this.

00:57:55.000 No, no, I do.

00:57:56.000 Oh, I do.

00:57:56.000 My wife, Valerie.

00:57:58.000 What?

00:57:58.000 Did you just call her a psycho?

00:58:00.000 No, no, not psycho, but just to shout out, wear something sexy when you get to Vegas tomorrow, right?

00:58:05.000 Aw, Valerie.

00:58:06.000 She gave me a spray tan.

00:58:07.000 Well, this is what that was.

00:58:08.000 You know what that was?

00:58:08.000 That was to make sure that she's listening.

00:58:10.000 Did you listen to me?

00:58:11.000 No, she didn't listen to me.

00:58:13.000 When I said that thing to you, you didn't listen to me?

00:58:14.000 No, she likes really putting it together.

00:58:16.000 What were you doing?

00:58:17.000 And then we'll break it down.

00:58:18.000 She likes putting it together.

00:58:19.000 You know, the Mexican girls with the colors.

00:58:22.000 Oh, fuck it.

00:58:24.000 She's really beautiful, by the way.

00:58:26.000 I met her in Vegas.

00:58:27.000 Congrats, sir.

00:58:28.000 You've scored.

00:58:29.000 She's really beautiful.

00:58:30.000 I met her in Vegas, and I was just blown out of the water.

00:58:32.000 She's very cool.

00:58:33.000 Of course.

00:58:33.000 It's Dice Clay, bitch.

00:58:34.000 Thank you.

00:58:34.000 Respect.

00:58:35.000 Thank you.

00:58:36.000 I respect that compliment.

00:58:39.000 It's a good compliment.

00:58:40.000 But you didn't say anything dirty about her, like when you walked away?

00:58:42.000 No, no, no.

00:58:44.000 You deserve that, right?

00:58:45.000 You're a nice guy.

00:58:46.000 I think you respect.

00:58:46.000 You too, Joe, right?

00:58:48.000 Never, never.

00:58:49.000 You know, because I would never say nothing about yours unless she was beautiful.

00:58:52.000 I'm not that type of guy.

00:58:53.000 I don't think I ever met your girl.

00:58:55.000 No.

00:58:55.000 I keep her away from you.

00:58:56.000 Are you married?

00:58:57.000 He has to keep her away from her.

00:58:58.000 Well, I heard she's beautiful.

00:59:00.000 She's stunning.

00:59:01.000 She's a very nice person.

00:59:03.000 That's the most important thing, man.

00:59:04.000 I've been around pretty girls before that weren't nice.

00:59:07.000 Yeah, but they've got to have the substance.

00:59:09.000 My wife is sweet.

00:59:11.000 She's smart.

00:59:12.000 She backs up my career with that.

00:59:13.000 I'm doing everything I'm doing because she told me to go do it.

00:59:16.000 That's beautiful.

00:59:17.000 It's that simple for me.

00:59:18.000 In that case, relationships are always worth it.

00:59:20.000 So many of us settle for some sort of a weird combination of that and then an enemy that you live with.

00:59:27.000 That gets real weird.

00:59:29.000 Yeah, that's crazy.

00:59:29.000 People get real weird with that, man.

00:59:31.000 And a lot of times it's unease in your life.

00:59:33.000 Even though me and Eleanor broke up, we were never enemies.

00:59:36.000 Yeah.

00:59:36.000 All of it.

00:59:37.000 Even when we broke up, we stayed friends.

00:59:38.000 Yeah.

00:59:39.000 Obviously.

00:59:39.000 Yeah.

00:59:40.000 Obviously.

00:59:40.000 I think a lot of fighting between people that you started off getting along good.

00:59:44.000 You get animosity.

00:59:44.000 I just don't like when she interrupts me.

00:59:47.000 You know, when I'm around other men.

00:59:48.000 You're interrupting him right now.

00:59:50.000 We're talking.

00:59:50.000 We're not interrupting.

00:59:51.000 It's called conversation.

00:59:52.000 I don't know.

00:59:53.000 This is how guys do it.

00:59:54.000 Oh, guys.

00:59:55.000 But girls, if you can't talk...

00:59:56.000 Yeah, why is it that that's okay with us, but people...

00:59:58.000 People listen to the podcast all the time and go, Dyson interrupt you constantly.

01:00:02.000 I'm like, you're never going to interrupt it once.

01:00:03.000 Not even once.

01:00:04.000 We're just talking.

01:00:05.000 Yeah, she goes to that high pitch.

01:00:07.000 I'll punch you right in the face.

01:00:08.000 When you're all talking at the same time, nobody can predict who's going to be talking or something comes in your head, you've got to say it.

01:00:15.000 You've got to go with the flow of a conversation, and that includes interrupting people.

01:00:19.000 We're not in a David Mamet movie.

01:00:20.000 It doesn't have to follow a fucking script.

01:00:21.000 No, I agree with you, but he's saying I can't talk to you because you two are men, and I'm...

01:00:25.000 Well, that's right.

01:00:27.000 You don't understand me.

01:00:29.000 I'll throw smoke in your face.

01:00:31.000 It doesn't bother me that much.

01:00:32.000 It bothers me only a little.

01:00:34.000 Oh, the smoke bothers you?

01:00:36.000 Girls, I can say whatever I want.

01:00:37.000 He does it, oddly.

01:00:39.000 Because I love them and I'm trying to get them to not...

01:00:41.000 I love him too, and we're trying to get him to stop him.

01:00:44.000 Well, you need Redman.

01:00:45.000 Listen, I love him.

01:00:46.000 He's a great friend.

01:00:47.000 If we do the road, that's where you break my balls with the cigarettes, because then you'll need me to be healthy.

01:00:51.000 Look, I've only hung out with you a few times, and I would sit down and have the conversation with you.

01:00:57.000 But I do love you.

01:00:59.000 You're a great guy.

01:01:00.000 I like being around you.

01:01:01.000 I love your act.

01:01:02.000 I respect you very much as an artist.

01:01:04.000 I think that poisoning your body with cigarettes is a stupid way to die.

01:01:08.000 Not only that, the way you die is ugly and slow.

01:01:11.000 Everybody's going to anyway?

01:01:12.000 You don't understand.

01:01:13.000 It's a different way, though.

01:01:14.000 It's an ugly, slow way.

01:01:14.000 Why did I start even smoking again?

01:01:16.000 I didn't smoke for ten four years.

01:01:17.000 Because he quit for ten years.

01:01:18.000 He made me quit, Joey.

01:01:19.000 Remember, I used to smoke.

01:01:20.000 When my father was on his last days, I lit up.

01:01:23.000 So I'm only smoking a year.

01:01:25.000 But that's no excuse.

01:01:25.000 It's not about an excuse.

01:01:26.000 It's just what happened.

01:01:27.000 I know, but I'm not letting you know.

01:01:28.000 I am going to quit again, but this is not the week it's happening.

01:01:31.000 Well, you know what?

01:01:32.000 A guy like you, yeah, you know what the fuck is best for you.

01:01:36.000 You're not a child.

01:01:36.000 Yeah, and I will quit.

01:01:37.000 So I would never tell you what to do or what not to do or give you advice.

01:01:39.000 But as a person who loves him, and Max as well, we want him to quit.

01:01:42.000 No, they're on me with it, but they also understand what I'm going through.

01:01:46.000 But also, you know, I gotta respect, Brian said something on the podcast the other day.

01:01:49.000 I said, why do you like to smoke?

01:01:51.000 And he...

01:01:52.000 I love cigarettes.

01:01:53.000 Pretty passionate about how great it feels and how much he loves it and how it's great after a meal.

01:01:58.000 And you know what?

01:01:58.000 I've got to respect that.

01:01:59.000 As a human being, he's got a right to make a choice.

01:02:02.000 It's immediate satisfaction.

01:02:03.000 Yeah, but I'm also smart enough.

01:02:04.000 That's why I did quit because I just didn't want to smoke anymore.

01:02:08.000 And I would hold an unlit cigarette.

01:02:10.000 I didn't care if people smoked around me.

01:02:11.000 I just got to wean myself off of it again.

01:02:14.000 And when I quit, I won't even wean it.

01:02:16.000 You know, I'll just quit.

01:02:18.000 And that'll be it.

01:02:19.000 I bet I would enjoy it.

01:02:20.000 I bet I would enjoy the nicotine rush.

01:02:22.000 Stephen King said it was one of his biggest cognitive benefits.

01:02:27.000 Interesting.

01:02:28.000 That smoking gave him rather cognitive benefits in that he recognized a big difference when he quit smoking.

01:02:33.000 He said his brain was firing slower.

01:02:36.000 His creativity wasn't as rampant.

01:02:38.000 Which, you know, I'm sure I would like it.

01:02:40.000 It's just not the moment, you know, for me right now.

01:02:42.000 I like cigars.

01:02:43.000 I enjoy cigars.

01:02:44.000 You see, and I hate cigars.

01:02:45.000 After a fat steak.

01:02:47.000 There's nothing like chilling with a cigar after a fat steak.

01:02:50.000 Me and Kevin James have murdered some fucking steaks.

01:02:53.000 I smoked some fat Cuban cigars before, and it's a pleasure.

01:02:57.000 And it's a real buzz, too.

01:02:59.000 It's a kind of weird, mellow high.

01:03:01.000 It's not a high where you're worried about driving a car or anything like that.

01:03:03.000 You have total control of your senses.

01:03:05.000 But it's like a...

01:03:07.000 It's a reason why people have been smoking cigars forever.

01:03:10.000 I take one hit off a cigar, I feel stoned.

01:03:13.000 Yeah, it makes you kind of stoned.

01:03:15.000 It does make you stoned.

01:03:17.000 It does make you high.

01:03:18.000 Well, you know, nicotine in its natural form, like in that form of tobacco that you get in a cigar, first of all, it's not as bad for you.

01:03:26.000 And second of all, it's used in shamanic rituals.

01:03:29.000 They use it in Peru and the Amazon and ayahuasca rituals.

01:03:32.000 The shamans will blow the tobacco smoke in your face in the middle of the psychedelic trip to create bigger and broader Psychedelic experiences, like to actually instigate them.

01:03:44.000 So it's got psychoactive compounds.

01:03:46.000 I'm not smoking cigars.

01:03:47.000 You know, we had a guy on the podcast.

01:03:49.000 It's funny how he knows so much about it, though.

01:03:51.000 We had a guy on the podcast named Rob Wolf, who is the author of The Paleo Solution, and he said that people chew nicotine gum, and it really helps their creativity.

01:03:59.000 So, like, nicotine itself is probably beneficial in a lot of ways, and almost like a caffeine.

01:04:04.000 Like, there's nothing really wrong with it.

01:04:05.000 The real problem is a delivery method that's been designed to make sure that you're addicted.

01:04:10.000 It's the paper.

01:04:11.000 Well, it's not just the paper.

01:04:12.000 It's the chemicals that's mixed into the tobacco that's designed.

01:04:15.000 If you've watched the movie The Insider, did you ever watch that movie?

01:04:18.000 Russell Crowe?

01:04:18.000 Fucking fantastic.

01:04:19.000 Unbelievable.

01:04:20.000 Really based on a real story and based on how the tobacco industry has somehow or another conned all these politicians into allowing them to do what they're doing, which is pumping thousands Of fucking different chemicals.

01:04:33.000 I think it's 590 actually.

01:04:35.000 590 different chemicals are approved in every cigarette.

01:04:38.000 And that's what makes it addictive.

01:04:39.000 It's not thousands but hundreds.

01:04:40.000 But that's an insane amount of number of chemicals.

01:04:42.000 You think you're getting a cigarette.

01:04:44.000 You're getting like this chemically soaked leaf that's dried out.

01:04:48.000 It's basically the cigarette burning is inconsequential.

01:04:51.000 It's a delivery method for all these chemicals.

01:04:53.000 And so you can call it a cigarette.

01:04:55.000 And it kind of is.

01:04:56.000 But it's also kind of not.

01:04:58.000 It's kind of a delivery method for all these 590 different chemicals.

01:05:01.000 And most of them designed to make you addicted.

01:05:04.000 I don't know why you're not a college professor.

01:05:07.000 You have all this information.

01:05:09.000 Yeah, but it's just stuff that I've read.

01:05:11.000 It's just stuff that I've read.

01:05:12.000 Look, I've done no research of my own.

01:05:14.000 But you've read it, and then you've also retained it.

01:05:16.000 Well, I only retain things that are important to me.

01:05:19.000 You can ask me things about things that aren't important to me, and they don't even go in there.

01:05:22.000 I have almost like a retard's brain.

01:05:25.000 Me too.

01:05:25.000 It's very, like, half-broken.

01:05:27.000 Like, things that I don't care about, I don't care.

01:05:30.000 I don't give a fuck.

01:05:31.000 I really don't care.

01:05:31.000 Especially once I started making money, I lost all my ability to care about shit I don't care about.

01:05:36.000 Like, you know, like, people will call me to get me to do things, and I'm just fucking, I don't answer the phone, I just disappear, I vanish.

01:05:42.000 Yeah, it's amazing.

01:05:43.000 I was trying to call him this week.

01:05:45.000 I'd shut my phone off and walk away for days.

01:05:46.000 And I could get a text.

01:05:47.000 Good for you.

01:05:48.000 No, but I'd get, like, a text.

01:05:49.000 I'd be, you know, let me just call him rather than with the texting.

01:05:52.000 And he never picks up.

01:05:53.000 No, that was because I was in my car.

01:05:55.000 I have a Porsche.

01:05:56.000 My Porsche is so loud.

01:05:58.000 It's a GT3. It's one of those racing cars.

01:06:00.000 So when you drive, it's like...

01:06:01.000 So that's what you hear.

01:06:05.000 They'll be like, hey, nice!

01:06:07.000 So you're doing a podcast.

01:06:10.000 It's a really juvenile, asinine car.

01:06:13.000 It's a total douchebag car.

01:06:14.000 If you look at the guy, you're like, what kind of douchebag needs to drive a car like this?

01:06:18.000 He asked me if I like the Porsche.

01:06:20.000 That's how I feel about the Challenger.

01:06:22.000 Oh, it's a fucking tremendous car.

01:06:23.000 Yeah, I love it.

01:06:24.000 It's a big cock.

01:06:25.000 A big American cock.

01:06:26.000 What car would get me excited?

01:06:27.000 It is.

01:06:28.000 It's a big American cock.

01:06:29.000 What car would get Eleanor excited?

01:06:32.000 Cadillac.

01:06:32.000 Oh, yeah.

01:06:33.000 You know that.

01:06:34.000 No, but the big Cadillac.

01:06:36.000 The Bromes.

01:06:37.000 Old school.

01:06:37.000 The ones from The Color of Money.

01:06:39.000 Paul Newman drove in The Color of Money.

01:06:41.000 I gave her one and she ruined it.

01:06:44.000 You shut your face.

01:06:44.000 I got one as a consolation prize when I left.

01:06:47.000 I got a 95 Fleetwood Brougham.

01:06:49.000 Wait a minute.

01:06:50.000 You got one as a consolation prize when you left Dice Enterprises?

01:06:53.000 Yeah, I gave it to her and figured she would be adult enough to know how to take care of it.

01:06:59.000 First of all, I would...

01:07:00.000 You know what I mean?

01:07:01.000 And she would just break it.

01:07:02.000 You broke it.

01:07:03.000 And you made me cry over it.

01:07:05.000 She broke the mirror off the side.

01:07:06.000 You did that because you couldn't back up properly.

01:07:08.000 Ha ha ha.

01:07:09.000 You were backing up in the Hollywood house.

01:07:11.000 This is the same argument for 10 years.

01:07:13.000 I didn't break the mirror.

01:07:14.000 I didn't break anything.

01:07:15.000 You were backing up in the driveway and you got it caught in the eye and you broke it off.

01:07:21.000 Max, the audience at home is not going to give a fuck about who crashed your old car.

01:07:28.000 No, no, but it was in mint condition, and she just fucking ruined it.

01:07:33.000 But they can fix that shit.

01:07:33.000 Like, she ruins everything.

01:07:35.000 You ruined it.

01:07:35.000 If that was my woman, I would say, listen, baby, we're rich.

01:07:38.000 Let's just fix this shit.

01:07:39.000 See?

01:07:40.000 No, but it was...

01:07:41.000 Jono's had to treat a woman.

01:07:42.000 No, no, but I gave it to her so she'd have something to drive away.

01:07:45.000 Okay.

01:07:46.000 By the way, those are very difficult to draw.

01:07:49.000 You know, that had a big trunk.

01:07:50.000 She was able to draw the boxes, you know, that pack up.

01:07:53.000 It's a big trunk.

01:07:54.000 I love when they roll in this stuff and then they roll it out.

01:07:58.000 That's the best part.

01:07:58.000 You're such an asshole.

01:07:59.000 He did film it.

01:08:00.000 He did film it, so he filmed me leaving.

01:08:03.000 Yeah, I filmed...

01:08:04.000 You know, Joe, how I film everything.

01:08:05.000 Oh, yeah, everything.

01:08:06.000 So I was like, I know we're breaking up, but I gotta get the shot.

01:08:10.000 I really enjoyed when I was working at the Comedy Store, when you would put on these little shows in the back, and it would be for your own amusement, and I was always like, what are we going to do with all this stuff?

01:08:20.000 Just for your own amusement, he would have like, okay, now you're going to come running through the door, fuck you, and you yell at him.

01:08:27.000 Ari on the skateboard?

01:08:28.000 I was shooting a TV show, and I would shoot it while they were open.

01:08:37.000 You know what I mean?

01:08:37.000 Because I couldn't afford a set.

01:08:39.000 But it was all handheld camera and it seemed like a lot of it was just spur of the moment.

01:08:43.000 Let me tell you, if you saw it, but it's not.

01:08:45.000 I'm really thinking about the episodes.

01:08:47.000 Okay.

01:08:48.000 So, you know, I wouldn't tell anybody what they were about.

01:08:50.000 I would say, this is what I need.

01:08:52.000 And sometimes, like, if we were in the comedy store kitchen, you know, there'd be a waitress that I didn't cast in the show.

01:09:00.000 So I would make her get out in the kitchen.

01:09:02.000 I'd say, you can't be in the shot.

01:09:04.000 She's like, but my dream.

01:09:05.000 Yeah, I don't care about your drinks.

01:09:07.000 I'm trying to get my shot here.

01:09:08.000 Like, Eleanor had a fist fight with Wheels in the kitchen one time, where Wheels is smacking her head against me.

01:09:14.000 Are you the only guy who employs Wheels these days?

01:09:16.000 I don't see Wheels doing stand-up.

01:09:17.000 He does his own thing.

01:09:18.000 I don't see him.

01:09:19.000 I never see him doing stand-up.

01:09:20.000 Go to his website.

01:09:22.000 He's in...

01:09:22.000 He's in Vegas now.

01:09:23.000 He's in Vegas and he's in the other place.

01:09:25.000 Who was responsible for that clip that he used to have where he claimed that he got his stardom and fame after he blew you off stage one night at a club?

01:09:34.000 Do you know that?

01:09:35.000 That's brilliant.

01:09:36.000 That's very wheelsy.

01:09:38.000 That's very wheelsy.

01:09:39.000 Wheels was sort of pushed into things years ago.

01:09:45.000 By other people.

01:09:46.000 It had nothing to do with him.

01:09:48.000 So someone else wrote that for him.

01:09:49.000 Well, no.

01:09:50.000 He was made to do that.

01:09:51.000 Wheels told me he was like a professional pool player.

01:09:54.000 Yeah, he is.

01:09:57.000 I don't believe that.

01:09:58.000 I'm on Joe's side on that.

01:09:59.000 We worked in San Diego.

01:10:01.000 I said, okay, I play a lot of pool too.

01:10:03.000 Joe's an amazing pool player.

01:10:04.000 I collect pool cues by famous makers.

01:10:07.000 I have a professional table in my house.

01:10:08.000 I play in tournaments.

01:10:09.000 I play a lot of pool.

01:10:11.000 Wills is on the screen.

01:10:15.000 Wills tells me that he plays professional pool.

01:10:18.000 So I said, well, let's fuck around.

01:10:19.000 Just play a dollar a game.

01:10:20.000 $25 later, I'm like, dude.

01:10:23.000 You can't play pool.

01:10:24.000 You can't fucking play pool.

01:10:25.000 He lied!

01:10:26.000 He can barely make a couple of balls.

01:10:29.000 But he's not a professional level pool player.

01:10:31.000 No, but he is a professional liar.

01:10:35.000 No, let me tell you something.

01:10:36.000 Didn't trick me 25 games in.

01:10:39.000 By the way, he still owes me that money.

01:10:41.000 Of course.

01:10:42.000 But that's wheels.

01:10:43.000 But he's a funny dude to be around.

01:10:47.000 He's one of the funniest guys I've ever hung out with.

01:10:49.000 And a good dude.

01:10:50.000 I don't mean anything bad, but it's a true story.

01:10:51.000 You can't fuck with me on the pool table.

01:10:53.000 You can't fuck with anybody.

01:10:54.000 You shouldn't lie about anything.

01:10:55.000 Well, that was the most ridiculous shit ever.

01:10:56.000 You can't say that you can play good pool.

01:10:58.000 When I went to Vegas the last few times, I would be like, Wheels, you want to hang out at night?

01:11:03.000 And he goes, I can't because of what I'm doing right now.

01:11:06.000 I go, what are you doing?

01:11:07.000 He goes, well, I'm doing the inspirational talks.

01:11:10.000 He was hired from some company.

01:11:13.000 He put on a suit and tie, five in the morning, he's getting dressed, and show up and do these inspirational talks and get paid for it.

01:11:21.000 And he was getting it from the Gary, what's that movie you love?

01:11:27.000 Oh, Glengarry Glen Ross.

01:11:29.000 Yeah.

01:11:29.000 That's where he'd get his monologues from.

01:11:31.000 So he'd steal the speech?

01:11:32.000 Yeah.

01:11:33.000 Oh my God.

01:11:33.000 He's a genius.

01:11:34.000 Oh my God.

01:11:35.000 And make a lot of money doing it.

01:11:37.000 How the fuck did anybody not know?

01:11:39.000 Then he's got his catering company.

01:11:42.000 He's got a catering company called The Cannoli Kings.

01:11:46.000 And I heard his catering is very good, by the way.

01:11:47.000 Which is gigantic in L.A. And then he'll just move to South Carolina for a year.

01:11:53.000 And then I call him up, I go, what's going on?

01:11:55.000 He goes, well, we're in Vegas.

01:11:56.000 I go, doing what?

01:11:56.000 He goes, we moved here.

01:11:58.000 And then he opens a comedy club, and then he becomes an inspirational speaker.

01:12:03.000 Next thing you know, you're walking down the street, and he's got one of those meat trucks that he started.

01:12:07.000 You know, he, you know, Wheels got a couple nicknames.

01:12:13.000 One of them is Wheels, one of them is Angles.

01:12:15.000 Look at the Canale Kings in the background.

01:12:15.000 Here, look, look what you're seeing.

01:12:17.000 Look at this.

01:12:18.000 Here he is.

01:12:20.000 Here he is.

01:12:20.000 Oh, shit!

01:12:21.000 The number one chef in the country.

01:12:25.000 Well, he is a good cook, though.

01:12:26.000 Self-proclaimed.

01:12:27.000 He brought some of his food to the comedy store and it's fucking banging.

01:12:30.000 It's just so funny.

01:12:32.000 He's such a character.

01:12:33.000 Look what he's doing.

01:12:33.000 He's such a character.

01:12:34.000 It's fucking...

01:12:35.000 But he's a very good cook.

01:12:36.000 He's a very good cook.

01:12:37.000 Whatever the fuck he brought to the comedy store, he brought a bunch of different...

01:12:40.000 I was cocktailing for him at one of the Cannoli King parties.

01:12:42.000 You shut your face.

01:12:44.000 And I was cocktailing and he goes, listen, I was screaming out.

01:12:49.000 I go, hey, Wheels, we need more whatever.

01:12:51.000 He goes, can you call me chef?

01:12:53.000 I can't call him a chef.

01:12:54.000 Yeah, she would work for him.

01:12:55.000 Can you call me a chef?

01:12:57.000 I'm like, wheels!

01:12:58.000 What's wrong with being wheels, man?

01:13:00.000 He would do these...

01:13:01.000 He goes, it's professional.

01:13:02.000 We're professional.

01:13:03.000 So what?

01:13:04.000 Joe, he would do these gigantic parties.

01:13:05.000 Technically, he was trying to be professional.

01:13:07.000 Yeah, but there's nothing wrong with wheels.

01:13:09.000 As a professional.

01:13:10.000 No, I agree.

01:13:11.000 No, he's great.

01:13:11.000 But not there.

01:13:12.000 They don't know he does comedy.

01:13:14.000 It's fun.

01:13:14.000 It's a little flavor.

01:13:15.000 We were working a party that he forgot the salad for.

01:13:18.000 It was fun.

01:13:19.000 He did this party for some black cigarette.

01:13:23.000 That was...

01:13:24.000 Newport.

01:13:26.000 Yeah, there's got to be 300 people.

01:13:27.000 Oh, black people cigarettes.

01:13:28.000 Yeah, but it was...

01:13:30.000 Newport are cool.

01:13:30.000 Like menthols.

01:13:31.000 Yeah.

01:13:31.000 My mom used to smoke cool.

01:13:32.000 It was African-Americans.

01:13:34.000 There wasn't one white person there.

01:13:36.000 Right.

01:13:37.000 And I show up with the camera.

01:13:39.000 Those black people are African-Americans.

01:13:39.000 Right.

01:13:40.000 You know, with the camera just for footage because I'm filming my show.

01:13:44.000 And Wheels is like yelling at me, you gotta leave.

01:13:47.000 You know, I'm getting paid a lot of money.

01:13:49.000 It was raining.

01:13:50.000 He was torturing people.

01:13:51.000 And I'm going, Wheels, how am I going to get my shot?

01:13:53.000 You know, if I don't show up at the party.

01:13:55.000 And I'm just filming us with him throwing me out of the party.

01:13:59.000 And she's waitressing.

01:14:00.000 Not really.

01:14:01.000 I was just rounding up black girls to surround him because he was taking pictures with them.

01:14:05.000 I didn't need your help.

01:14:06.000 Trust me.

01:14:07.000 No, but we...

01:14:07.000 Trust me.

01:14:08.000 The girls that were doing the show.

01:14:09.000 Don't fucking hit me.

01:14:10.000 The girls that were doing the show.

01:14:11.000 Why are you hitting?

01:14:12.000 You see, women are always like...

01:14:13.000 Because I'm violent.

01:14:13.000 Eleanor, I'm so glad you came.

01:14:15.000 It's making this conversation so much more interesting.

01:14:17.000 No, because she picks up her hands...

01:14:18.000 We're not allowed to hit back because it's fragile.

01:14:22.000 If I hit you, you can hit me back.

01:14:24.000 Look how she keeps putting her hands on me.

01:14:27.000 She knows I hate that.

01:14:28.000 Then hit me back.

01:14:29.000 Tell her, Joe.

01:14:30.000 Eleanor, please relax.

01:14:32.000 We've got to talk about Dice's special.

01:14:34.000 You know what?

01:14:34.000 I know he's like a 10th degree, but I happen to know karate, and I'll kick your ass with him.

01:14:39.000 If I have to use karate on you.

01:14:41.000 Joe came to see me wrestle.

01:14:43.000 I did.

01:14:43.000 I went to see a wrestler professionally.

01:14:44.000 He wouldn't go.

01:14:45.000 Yeah, but I got pissed off at that.

01:14:47.000 Tell him why.

01:14:48.000 No, because it could ruin, like, the, you know, like, parts.

01:14:51.000 Oh, break the bus area.

01:14:53.000 Yeah, you know what I mean?

01:14:54.000 He could break the bus.

01:14:55.000 And I'm like, anything to be on fucking TV, what's wrong with you?

01:14:59.000 Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

01:15:00.000 In Eleanor's defense, me and I, rather, a bunch of people from the comedy store and I went down and we had a great fucking time.

01:15:09.000 That's right.

01:15:09.000 We bought waitresses, comics.

01:15:11.000 Everybody.

01:15:11.000 We had a big group to support Eleanor and she was easy rider.

01:15:15.000 She played this motorcycle girl, boxer, sort of type wrestler chick who would crush pool balls in her hands.

01:15:22.000 Yeah, but she wants to do dramatic fucking roles.

01:15:24.000 And there she is.

01:15:25.000 Yeah, but she's having some fun.

01:15:26.000 Doing a tumble salt in the ring.

01:15:28.000 I think it's better for Eleanor.

01:15:30.000 I mean, I've known Eleanor forever.

01:15:31.000 I think it's better for her to not take herself seriously.

01:15:34.000 You can't take yourself serious.

01:15:35.000 But that's your charm.

01:15:37.000 Your charm is that you're so ridiculously silly.

01:15:39.000 And you're so over the top.

01:15:41.000 Eleanor and I used to do this thing.

01:15:42.000 I don't think we ever talked about it on the podcast.

01:15:44.000 Did we talk about it?

01:15:45.000 The quarters?

01:15:46.000 Ask her for change.

01:15:47.000 Yeah, Joe.

01:15:47.000 Every time I was just telling Red Band, when I go on stage, people are like, hey, can I record it?

01:15:51.000 I'm like...

01:15:51.000 Listen, I'm not going to finger myself for you.

01:15:53.000 It's not happening.

01:15:54.000 It was stupidest running gag.

01:15:57.000 I would say, this is what it was.

01:16:01.000 Dice, I'll explain.

01:16:02.000 You better listen to him.

01:16:03.000 Listen, I'll explain.

01:16:04.000 Dice, Dice, Dice.

01:16:05.000 You want me to do it?

01:16:05.000 Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice.

01:16:07.000 I'll explain.

01:16:08.000 It's wrong.

01:16:09.000 Her apron was on, and this is what we do.

01:16:12.000 B would go, hey, I want to get changed for a dollar for the meter.

01:16:18.000 Do you have change for a dollar?

01:16:19.000 And you go, hold on a second, let me get it.

01:16:21.000 And she would dig in her apron and go in this whole routine pretending to masturbate herself to climax.

01:16:28.000 And she didn't want anybody coming near her, people would try to rescue her.

01:16:30.000 It was fucking hilarious.

01:16:32.000 And what was hilarious about it was because it was, look, we did it for years.

01:16:37.000 It's funny.

01:16:37.000 But I'm waiting at home for this idiot.

01:16:39.000 It's comedy.

01:16:40.000 That tells me, you know, my shift is over at 11.30, but now it's 2 in the morning, and she comes walking in telling me that, you know...

01:16:49.000 Well, we never kept her late.

01:16:50.000 She was doing that during the show.

01:16:52.000 No, but this is the kind of shit she would do.

01:16:54.000 And she's helping comics with their personal fucking problems.

01:16:59.000 Then I'm like, I don't give a fuck if the guy falls off a cliff.

01:17:02.000 I'm waiting here.

01:17:04.000 I got a hard-on.

01:17:06.000 You know...

01:17:07.000 You know, which isn't that easy.

01:17:09.000 As a brother comedian, I appreciate that, but as someone who loves hilarious shit, and as someone who is also supportive of the fact that that's one of the reasons why she's a professional comedian now, because we all knew she was so fucking funny.

01:17:22.000 This was when she was just a waitress.

01:17:24.000 Of course she did, yeah.

01:17:25.000 We all knew.

01:17:26.000 We all knew.

01:17:27.000 No one doubted it.

01:17:28.000 We knew you as a waitress, and you would be, like, the funniest person to hang around with backstage.

01:17:32.000 And it was ridiculous that you weren't on stage.

01:17:36.000 And you would, like, I would always go to Eleanor.

01:17:38.000 If anybody knew when on stage, is that kind of funny?

01:17:40.000 And she'd go, hack, and, like, walk away.

01:17:43.000 And I knew the guys had hacked.

01:17:44.000 Hey, watch this.

01:17:44.000 Watch it.

01:17:45.000 I knew.

01:17:45.000 Do Bruce Smianoff.

01:17:47.000 No, don't make me do it.

01:17:48.000 Just do one joke.

01:17:49.000 Just do it.

01:17:51.000 When Jews are ugly, we win prizes.

01:17:54.000 Do Dom.

01:17:57.000 I can't do Dom.

01:17:59.000 I can't think of one of Dom's.

01:18:00.000 My favorite Dom joke right now is that he adopted an Asian girl to help him with his iPhone.

01:18:05.000 No, but do it.

01:18:07.000 No, but she knows.

01:18:08.000 She's going back as soon as I get these apps down.

01:18:12.000 Dom's fucking hilarious.

01:18:14.000 But she knows every comic.

01:18:16.000 She knows their material.

01:18:17.000 That's also a problem.

01:18:17.000 Because doing my own material, I'm writing.

01:18:20.000 I'm like, is that my joke?

01:18:21.000 Or is that somebody else's?

01:18:22.000 Well, as long as you have that auditing in your own head.

01:18:25.000 You know, everybody is going to, especially in the beginning times.

01:18:28.000 Well, even watching Andrew.

01:18:29.000 I'm like, I don't want to watch.

01:18:29.000 You run the risk of maybe covering something.

01:18:32.000 No, we overlap a little.

01:18:33.000 Sometimes.

01:18:33.000 Oh, this is the best.

01:18:36.000 Holtzman.

01:18:36.000 With Holtzman.

01:18:37.000 That was the best.

01:18:37.000 This is back when the OJ thing was happening.

01:18:40.000 Right.

01:18:40.000 And I did this whole thing about Marsha Clark.

01:18:43.000 That once she realized this was a big TV shot for her, all of a sudden she'd come into the courtroom with the pumps and the skirt with the slit up the side, walking down the fucking aisle like, I want everybody to stare in this fucking ass and get in here for a while and build her TV career.

01:19:03.000 So Holtzman did something kind of similar to the old joke.

01:19:06.000 So I come over to him, and I know he's not a thief.

01:19:09.000 It was very similar.

01:19:09.000 You know what I mean?

01:19:10.000 Right.

01:19:10.000 And I go, you know, I do that joke.

01:19:13.000 And he goes, well, you know, Dice, we overlap.

01:19:15.000 And I just started fucking laughing.

01:19:18.000 He goes, hey, hey, hey.

01:19:18.000 When a guy says that to you, it's like, just do it.

01:19:22.000 It's too funny.

01:19:23.000 You know, like when you approach somebody about a joke that's similar, they'll get all defensive.

01:19:28.000 It becomes an argument.

01:19:29.000 Holtzman's like, well, you know we overlap.

01:19:31.000 And I'm like, what the fuck?

01:19:33.000 I just started laughing.

01:19:34.000 He's so funny.

01:19:35.000 He is hilarious.

01:19:36.000 But I agree with that kind of in a certain way.

01:19:38.000 Like, Brendan Walsh and I overlap on a fleshlight joke.

01:19:41.000 And I know he didn't read.

01:19:44.000 I know he wouldn't have seen my bit and then done a similar bit.

01:19:48.000 He's not that dude.

01:19:49.000 But he had a similar conclusion.

01:19:50.000 And I was like, well, that's the obvious thought, you know?

01:19:53.000 There you go, yeah.

01:19:55.000 If you're intelligent and you're thinking about it, there's a bunch of different ways to approach it.

01:19:57.000 That's one of them.

01:19:58.000 You thought of it, I thought of it.

01:19:59.000 His bit's different than my bit, even though it's based on the same premise.

01:20:02.000 I felt like that's overlapping.

01:20:05.000 It's no big deal.

01:20:06.000 We overlap a little, but I don't care.

01:20:07.000 Because it's her act.

01:20:08.000 Right, and it's what is your particular take on things.

01:20:11.000 I want to hear his take on it and someone else's take.

01:20:14.000 The only problem is when you hear him in a row.

01:20:16.000 The problem is when you hear him like that night in a row.

01:20:18.000 Like if he's middling and you're headlining and then he does the bit.

01:20:21.000 And then you really can't do the bit because it's kind of...

01:20:23.000 It's so similar, you'd have to bring it up.

01:20:26.000 Like, you'd go, hey, I want to cover the subject that's already been covered and beaten to death.

01:20:30.000 Right, exactly.

01:20:31.000 Yeah, I try to stay away from things.

01:20:33.000 Yeah, I would do it in a way, like, at the store where, like, I know what the other guy brought up, but let me tell you something, and then go into it.

01:20:38.000 At the store, yeah, at the store.

01:20:39.000 But, like, when you're on the road doing your show, you wouldn't want that.

01:20:42.000 You would never want a guy opening for you.

01:20:43.000 No, but like I said, she does, like, this thing about...

01:20:45.000 I don't want to say it, you know, with the...

01:20:50.000 Whisper it in the microphone.

01:20:51.000 With the glitter.

01:20:54.000 Oh, the old man.

01:20:57.000 Okay, it's the old man.

01:20:59.000 Go ahead, do it.

01:21:00.000 When the old man's like, you know, I fool around with older men.

01:21:02.000 I like older men, but when they come, nothing comes out.

01:21:04.000 It's like air.

01:21:05.000 It's like, you know, and then I'm like, but he does something similar or something like that.

01:21:10.000 And I say, it's like air.

01:21:11.000 And then you're like, well, shit, where did that go?

01:21:14.000 And then like two days later, I'm like, is that fucking glitter?

01:21:17.000 On my face?

01:21:18.000 And I'm like, oh, it's Old Man Rivers' balls on my face.

01:21:21.000 And that's it.

01:21:21.000 Something stupid like that.

01:21:23.000 Joe's just staring at me like, that's gross.

01:21:25.000 And my take is about, you know, when you get older and you jerk off, it's like a three-day process.

01:21:28.000 And then by, like, the third day, when it finally, whatever the fuck is in there comes out, it, like, just falls off the tip of your cock onto your balls.

01:21:36.000 You know, the best bit about that was Holtzman.

01:21:39.000 Holtzman had a bit about, yeah, it's like, it's old paint that's been in the basement too long.

01:21:45.000 He goes, it's not the same color that it used to be.

01:21:48.000 That's right.

01:21:49.000 He had a bit about Viagra.

01:21:51.000 Young girls have it.

01:21:52.000 Don't say it because I'm doing a Viagra bit.

01:21:54.000 Well, I don't want to say it also because I don't want him to not be able to do that bit.

01:21:58.000 Do you know where he lives now, by the way?

01:22:00.000 Do you know where Holtzman lives?

01:22:01.000 I don't know.

01:22:01.000 Where does he live?

01:22:02.000 I do.

01:22:02.000 Where?

01:22:03.000 Isn't it like Vietnam or something?

01:22:05.000 No, Marina Del Rey.

01:22:07.000 No, I heard he moved to Vietnam.

01:22:09.000 Right now?

01:22:09.000 Yeah, Holtzman.

01:22:10.000 When?

01:22:10.000 He just did someone's podcast like a week ago.

01:22:12.000 Really?

01:22:13.000 Yeah, I think he was on...

01:22:14.000 He sometimes does go to Thailand for two weeks.

01:22:16.000 Thailand, that's what it is.

01:22:17.000 He said he got a small hairless boy there, he said.

01:22:20.000 Oh!

01:22:21.000 He always jokes.

01:22:21.000 I mean, he's just a kid.

01:22:22.000 It's a joke.

01:22:23.000 He's kidding.

01:22:23.000 He's a great guy.

01:22:24.000 I love that guy.

01:22:25.000 Don't back up the joke.

01:22:26.000 Just say it.

01:22:27.000 It's okay.

01:22:27.000 That's what I mean.

01:22:28.000 Everybody's defensive about...

01:22:28.000 You looked at me like I was crazy.

01:22:30.000 No.

01:22:31.000 No.

01:22:33.000 So you both have a joke about old people coming terribly.

01:22:35.000 Something like that.

01:22:36.000 Well, it's been done.

01:22:38.000 It's been done a million times.

01:22:39.000 Yeah, but it makes sense to do it.

01:22:40.000 Yeah, it makes sense to do it.

01:22:41.000 And it's funny.

01:22:42.000 And it only happened because it was like an old man that I was picking on one night and I just went into it.

01:22:46.000 it and every once in a while I just bring it back how many great songs are written about the same subjects you know how many great sub songs you know cover uh you know really real similar ground you still fucking love them because they're great yeah you know and and in comedy there's certain things sex especially is the which is always going to be hilarious it just is and as long as it is let's extract as much of it out as we can you think we'd be overlapping a lot if we did shows I don't think so No, you do.

01:23:12.000 We have a different point of view, though.

01:23:13.000 No, I agree.

01:23:14.000 I just watched Joe a couple months ago at the Ice House, and I think it would be great.

01:23:18.000 I don't think it would overlap at all.

01:23:19.000 Listen, I mean, seeing your show was so fun, but you're so much more preposterous than me.

01:23:26.000 I try to be a little more realistic.

01:23:28.000 No, you actually have facts in your act.

01:23:29.000 I was sore that I could try to remember.

01:23:31.000 I don't want to be an agent of disinformation.

01:23:34.000 Yeah, see, that's my thing.

01:23:35.000 But your fucking act was so funny in describing how gays were created.

01:23:39.000 No, don't go into it.

01:23:40.000 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

01:23:41.000 I would not.

01:23:42.000 I would not.

01:23:42.000 But I just want to say that we were slapping the table.

01:23:45.000 We were fucking howling.

01:23:47.000 Me and Norton.

01:23:47.000 And we were looking over at each other laughing.

01:23:50.000 It was such a special moment.

01:23:52.000 Like, as comics, you know, as professional comics.

01:23:55.000 And I understand that.

01:23:55.000 Who have been comics for 20 plus years.

01:23:57.000 The both of us.

01:23:58.000 We were laughing together.

01:24:00.000 Like, you know, it was like, there's a brotherhood to this.

01:24:02.000 And that's the best compliment.

01:24:03.000 Yes, yes.

01:24:04.000 Because I don't get along with most comics.

01:24:06.000 I don't think you do either.

01:24:07.000 Yeah.

01:24:08.000 You know what I mean?

01:24:08.000 He actually does.

01:24:09.000 I get along with a lot of comics, man.

01:24:10.000 You know, I give you credit.

01:24:12.000 Just the ones that I don't get along with, it gets ugly.

01:24:13.000 No, I know that.

01:24:14.000 But I'm saying I just don't because I don't feel camaraderie.

01:24:18.000 So when I'm around the few that I do love, you know, and you're one of them now, obviously.

01:24:22.000 Oh, thank you, brother.

01:24:23.000 And, you know, Norton for years and Florentine.

01:24:27.000 Yeah, you have your crew.

01:24:27.000 I think in your defense, you got so fucking big, so quick, that it's real hard for you to relate to other people.

01:24:36.000 No, it's not about the comedy.

01:24:39.000 You know when somebody comes with me?

01:24:41.000 I mean comics.

01:24:42.000 Not about the comedy.

01:24:44.000 I'm in comics.

01:24:45.000 I'm saying you became so fucking huge so quick.

01:24:48.000 There's like this automatic resentment that's going to come with it with a lot of people.

01:24:53.000 You went from being a comic who was in with this steady stream of professional comics to becoming the biggest comic in the history of stand-up comedy inside a few years.

01:25:06.000 And it just went shit!

01:25:07.000 Boom!

01:25:08.000 And all of a sudden you're doing Mass Off Coliseum.

01:25:10.000 No, but it was 10 years.

01:25:11.000 I'm sure it was a long time and I'm sure it was hard work.

01:25:15.000 But what I'm saying is, but it also, the height hit so high that it was impossible for people to not get jealous.

01:25:23.000 I watched a lot of people get creepy jealous.

01:25:25.000 So why was I able to talk to you?

01:25:26.000 I'm not a jealous person.

01:25:28.000 See, that's the thing.

01:25:29.000 A lot of comics have that.

01:25:30.000 Listen, I am honored to be around people like you and honored to be around people like Dom Irera.

01:25:36.000 I don't care how long I've been doing comedy or how...

01:25:39.000 I'm confident that I know how to do it, but I am always honored to be friends with Doug Stanhope.

01:25:46.000 I love that I can call up, who I believe is one of the greatest comedians of all time.

01:25:50.000 I can call him up and we'll shoot the shit on the phone.

01:25:52.000 And we love it.

01:25:53.000 And Stan Hope said to me the other day, he goes, you know what?

01:25:55.000 I can quit comedy, but I can never quit comics.

01:25:58.000 He goes, I can never quit.

01:25:59.000 He goes, I fucking hang out with, I've tried to hang out with too many regular people.

01:26:03.000 I can't fucking do it.

01:26:04.000 Well, that is the fun part.

01:26:06.000 Because we're all twisted.

01:26:08.000 In all different ways.

01:26:09.000 Joey Diaz is different than you.

01:26:10.000 He's different than Duncan.

01:26:11.000 Even if I text you late at night, I know you're getting the text because you're up.

01:26:15.000 Yeah.

01:26:16.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:26:16.000 Yeah, you texted me at 4 in the morning.

01:26:18.000 Let me tell you something.

01:26:19.000 I call Wheels like 1.30 in the morning.

01:26:21.000 He goes, I gotta get some sleep because I gotta get up.

01:26:23.000 I'm like, you're a comic.

01:26:25.000 He's also a chef.

01:26:26.000 This is the daytime.

01:26:28.000 No, but I'm saying this is the daytime.

01:26:29.000 And a motivational speaker.

01:26:31.000 It is.

01:26:31.000 I agree.

01:26:31.000 You know what I mean?

01:26:32.000 To me, I love the night.

01:26:34.000 That's how I am.

01:26:35.000 I am exactly the same way.

01:26:36.000 That's when I do all my work.

01:26:37.000 I don't get anything done during the day.

01:26:39.000 My kids are up.

01:26:40.000 They want to play.

01:26:42.000 Something's going on.

01:26:43.000 There's noise.

01:26:44.000 I can't concentrate in my office.

01:26:45.000 So during the day...

01:26:46.000 I play with my kids.

01:26:47.000 I get my workouts in.

01:26:48.000 I do my bullshit.

01:26:49.000 But then when everyone's asleep, I do it after jujitsu.

01:26:52.000 So I like to write.

01:26:53.000 I don't even come home until 11. And then from 11 on, that's when I start to write.

01:26:58.000 So you're saying if I call at 3, you're picking up.

01:27:01.000 Oh, yeah.

01:27:01.000 That's when I call Opie and Anthony.

01:27:03.000 If I call Opie and Anthony, I only call when I'm awake.

01:27:06.000 I'm awake all night, which I need to do more often.

01:27:08.000 I fucking love those guys.

01:27:10.000 They're phenomenal.

01:27:11.000 And hanging out with Anthony when we were in Vegas.

01:27:13.000 How great is he?

01:27:14.000 He just really reinforced how great he is.

01:27:16.000 I always know he's a great guy, but I love the fact that we could all pal around in a social setting.

01:27:21.000 His Dice impression is insane.

01:27:21.000 Oh, he's a brilliant, brilliant impressionist.

01:27:23.000 Don't love the Dice impression.

01:27:24.000 A lot of people don't realize he does a lot of really good impressions.

01:27:26.000 He's another guy.

01:27:27.000 I always tell you, why aren't you doing stand-up?

01:27:29.000 Yeah.

01:27:29.000 Well, he sort of is when he does the...

01:27:31.000 Have you seen his fucking awesome show?

01:27:33.000 His show...

01:27:33.000 Let me just give him credit.

01:27:35.000 The reason why we're doing this podcast today is because of Anthony Cumia from the Opie and Anthony show.

01:27:40.000 Because Anthony Cumia started doing his own show called Live...

01:27:44.000 From the compound.

01:27:45.000 And live from the compound, which he does on Ustream, he does it in his house.

01:27:50.000 He has a fucking studio set up.

01:27:52.000 He spent like a quarter million dollars with fucking green screens and he could be like in front of the Coliseum in Rome.

01:27:59.000 He could be in space.

01:28:01.000 And he has a professional desk, and he used to do it with these chicks he was dating.

01:28:05.000 He would be running around with a machine gun and singing songs, playing air guitars, holding a fucking M16. He's crazy.

01:28:13.000 He's a beautiful person.

01:28:15.000 I fucking love him.

01:28:16.000 He's a gambling addict.

01:28:17.000 He's crazy.

01:28:18.000 He's nuts.

01:28:19.000 I love Anthony.

01:28:20.000 He loves to drink.

01:28:22.000 To me, he's a classic American character.

01:28:25.000 And I don't get to hang out with them enough.

01:28:28.000 So then all of a sudden we were in Vegas together and we had steaks.

01:28:31.000 We went to Kraft Steak and had the most ridiculous...

01:28:35.000 The fucking one thing about Vegas.

01:28:36.000 They know how to make a fucking steak.

01:28:38.000 Where's Kraft Steak?

01:28:38.000 Kraft Steak is in MGM. Oh, it's goddamn good.

01:28:41.000 Oh, Jesus!

01:28:43.000 The best, though, the best is nine.

01:28:46.000 Nine Steakhouse in the Palm.

01:28:47.000 You can't fuck with that place.

01:28:49.000 That's my favorite.

01:28:49.000 You get the grass-fed ribeye.

01:28:51.000 Do not pass go.

01:28:52.000 You want the grass-fed ribeye, medium-rare.

01:28:55.000 It will knock your dick into the dirt.

01:28:57.000 It's the most spectacular cut of meat available probably in the entire western part of the United States.

01:29:04.000 Where?

01:29:05.000 Nine Steakhouse.

01:29:05.000 Nine Steakhouse in Vegas.

01:29:07.000 In the Palms.

01:29:07.000 I never went there.

01:29:08.000 I go to STK a lot.

01:29:09.000 So we went to Crab Steak...

01:29:10.000 Yeah, I've been there too.

01:29:11.000 It's great.

01:29:12.000 We went to Kraft Steak.

01:29:13.000 We had a great meal.

01:29:14.000 We had some wine.

01:29:16.000 Anthony was like, he knows wine, so he picked out a good wine.

01:29:18.000 It was me and my buddy Steve, who I've known since I was like 15. It was all of us, this big group, who came to see you.

01:29:25.000 It was such a thrill.

01:29:26.000 It was so fun to just go see a show.

01:29:29.000 Why didn't I get to go check?

01:29:30.000 You were performing!

01:29:34.000 We had such a great time.

01:29:38.000 We walked in right when Max was playing.

01:29:40.000 We walked in while we were getting seated.

01:29:42.000 Max was having a guitar solo.

01:29:44.000 Or excuse me, a drum solo.

01:29:45.000 You know what?

01:29:47.000 You got to talk to him about that for a minute.

01:29:49.000 Drum solo was fucking spectacular.

01:29:51.000 Phenomenal.

01:29:51.000 That was some serious hand-eye coordination, son.

01:29:54.000 You went off.

01:29:54.000 That was like real shit.

01:29:56.000 You didn't have a half-assed drum solo.

01:29:58.000 You were fucking flying, man.

01:30:00.000 The kid was flying.

01:30:02.000 Unbelievable.

01:30:04.000 It's what he needs to hear now because, you know...

01:30:06.000 You wish I could do that shit.

01:30:08.000 Here, look.

01:30:08.000 There he is.

01:30:09.000 Look at him go off.

01:30:10.000 That was at the improv.

01:30:11.000 Did we get to hear it?

01:30:13.000 Improv lab.

01:30:13.000 Woo!

01:30:14.000 Jesus!

01:30:33.000 Dude, you're fucking going off!

01:30:36.000 Holy shit!

01:30:37.000 Look at this shit!

01:30:41.000 God damn! God damn man!

01:31:10.000 Holy shit, kid!

01:31:12.000 Holy shit! Holy shit!

01:31:21.000 Motherfucker!

01:31:23.000 Holy shit, dude!

01:31:36.000 Holy shit!

01:31:40.000 Look, you need to see that.

01:31:41.000 Someone please edit that and put that little part of this video on YouTube.

01:31:46.000 You have to see that.

01:31:47.000 It is on YouTube.

01:31:47.000 With him watching it in the corner.

01:31:49.000 Oh, with him watching it.

01:31:49.000 That's funny.

01:31:50.000 I see what you're saying.

01:31:52.000 He's walking around the house going, I think, you know, because don't forget it's showtime.

01:31:55.000 You know what I mean?

01:31:56.000 Right.

01:31:56.000 And this is the band's first shot ever.

01:31:59.000 Yeah.

01:31:59.000 You know, doing the song you saw called Outlaw.

01:32:02.000 Right.

01:32:02.000 And he's going, I don't know if the solo's there yet.

01:32:04.000 And I'm trying to explain.

01:32:05.000 Every night we sit outside the house.

01:32:07.000 And I go, Max, there is nothing you have to learn for this solo.

01:32:12.000 Because you have such chops.

01:32:14.000 You know, I started out as a drummer, but my ability doesn't come close to what he can do.

01:32:19.000 That was ridiculous.

01:32:20.000 So yeah, I get jealous of his feet, all the combinations.

01:32:23.000 You get jealous of his feet.

01:32:25.000 It's true.

01:32:25.000 He's a double bit.

01:32:26.000 Because he uses both his feet like his hand.

01:32:29.000 Do you drive a stick?

01:32:30.000 Do you have a stick shift?

01:32:31.000 It's automatic, right?

01:32:32.000 Yeah.

01:32:32.000 Yeah, automatic.

01:32:33.000 I feel like a guy who knows how to work the pedals like that would want a fucking stick shift.

01:32:37.000 No, no.

01:32:38.000 He's just amazing.

01:32:39.000 And like when I would tell people about him, you know, I'm the father.

01:32:42.000 So they think, well, how good can they really be?

01:32:45.000 And then you see that, which we call...

01:32:47.000 You gotta see it.

01:32:48.000 You gotta see it.

01:32:48.000 That's just like babysit.

01:32:49.000 Yeah.

01:32:50.000 You gotta listen.

01:32:50.000 I mean, you're listening to it, folks.

01:32:51.000 If you're hearing just the audio version of this podcast...

01:32:55.000 It's an iPhone camera, so the sound quality is not the best.

01:32:59.000 You have to see it.

01:33:00.000 If you see it, it's fucking preposterous.

01:33:01.000 Yeah, when he would show me, like, drum solos.

01:33:04.000 If you're in Chicago, you'll see him live.

01:33:06.000 Yeah, well, Max, how old are you?

01:33:08.000 The Arcata, right?

01:33:09.000 Yes, the Arcata Theater in Chicago.

01:33:12.000 Well, I'm going to be 22, and I actually started off only soloing when I first started playing the drums.

01:33:18.000 I didn't play with a band for like the first five, six years of drumming.

01:33:21.000 He's playing since he's 10. And how old are you now?

01:33:24.000 Going to be 22. You're going to be 22, so you've been playing the drums for 12 years.

01:33:27.000 Yeah.

01:33:28.000 Wow.

01:33:28.000 Dude, your fucking hands are ridiculously fast.

01:33:31.000 Ridiculous.

01:33:31.000 You should get involved in Wing Chun.

01:33:33.000 Yeah.

01:33:33.000 You should start kung fu-ing motherfuckers.

01:33:36.000 Think about all that fast speed?

01:33:37.000 He could probably be a hell of a boxer.

01:33:39.000 I believe it translates.

01:33:40.000 Number one, he can box.

01:33:42.000 I'm embarrassed to say.

01:33:43.000 He has beaten him a couple times.

01:33:45.000 No, by accident, he sort of knocked me out twice.

01:33:49.000 This is pretty funny at the Hollywood gym.

01:33:51.000 When I would teach them to box...

01:33:55.000 You know, I would say, you know, we've got that Hollywood gym, you know, that has the boxing ring.

01:33:59.000 So I would say, all right, no headshots at all.

01:34:02.000 So I would just protect my body and let them fight me, both kids.

01:34:05.000 So now and then Max would slip and he'd nail me right on the chin.

01:34:09.000 Once it happened in my backyard...

01:34:12.000 And I went right down because, you know, when you're hitting the chin, you see the stars and you go down.

01:34:16.000 I'm not expecting to get punched in the face by my friend.

01:34:19.000 Unless you're by my son.

01:34:20.000 By my friend.

01:34:21.000 Yeah, by my son.

01:34:21.000 And then he does it again at the gym, and I'm on the floor feeling like an asshole.

01:34:27.000 Because here I am, I'm the father, and my 14-year-old just knocked me out.

01:34:30.000 Well, you know, the reality is there's a lot of chicks that can knock you out if you don't know they're punching you.

01:34:35.000 If you don't know they're going to punch you, there's a great video of a chick headbutting a guy unconscious.

01:34:39.000 Some asshole at a bar says something stupid to her.

01:34:41.000 She grabs his shirt and goes, bang, knocks him completely unconscious.

01:34:45.000 And that does work.

01:34:46.000 That does work.

01:34:47.000 Let me tell you.

01:34:48.000 No, it was a fist.

01:34:49.000 He hit me with his fist.

01:34:50.000 Well, I'm saying a little girl can headbutt a big, giant dude.

01:34:53.000 What I'm saying is if you don't know it's coming and if you get hit in the jaw, you can get knocked out.

01:34:57.000 Yeah, that's it.

01:34:58.000 Even by a little girl's head.

01:34:59.000 Well, that's why boxers try to break the body down first, and then they go for the chin.

01:35:04.000 It's not about...

01:35:05.000 Because people, when they see a professional fight, they go, why aren't they just swinging it out?

01:35:09.000 They don't realize it's a skill.

01:35:11.000 It's a dance.

01:35:12.000 You'd be amazed at how hard it is to hit somebody.

01:35:14.000 Did you ever do actual boxing?

01:35:16.000 A kickbox.

01:35:16.000 I did a lot of boxing in the gym, but I had three kickboxing fights.

01:35:19.000 But you'd be amazed at how difficult it is to actually hit someone who knows how to box.

01:35:24.000 It's a dance.

01:35:25.000 It's a rhythm.

01:35:26.000 You've got to figure out how to fake them, how to get them to move, when to run in.

01:35:31.000 Because if you run in, like, if you watch the last UFC, Ryan Bader versus Lyoto Machida, Lyoto Machida is this badass karate guy, and he knocked Ryan Bader out because Bader charged him, and he just went, CRACK! Just caught him, charged him, and flattened him, knocked him out with one punch.

01:35:43.000 But that's the risk you take if you want to be aggressive.

01:35:46.000 It's so hard to hit someone who actually knows how to fight.

01:35:49.000 It's ridiculous.

01:35:50.000 That's true.

01:35:51.000 There's a lot of people...

01:35:52.000 Also, Peters is like that.

01:35:53.000 The thing that always bothers me is...

01:35:54.000 Peters knows how to fight.

01:35:55.000 He knows.

01:35:56.000 I love that.

01:35:56.000 He's a great guy, too.

01:35:57.000 If they want to know more about boxing, they should get in touch with me at Real Dice Clay.

01:36:03.000 On Twitter?

01:36:04.000 Is that my Twitter thing?

01:36:05.000 Yes, at TheRealDiceClay.

01:36:07.000 If you want to know about drumming, I'm at MaxDoesComedy.

01:36:12.000 And if you want to go out with Eleanor.

01:36:14.000 Max, did you get upset when you dropped your dad?

01:36:16.000 Eleanor Kerrigan.

01:36:17.000 I was nervous.

01:36:18.000 I came over like, you know, are you okay?

01:36:20.000 I didn't mean to do it.

01:36:21.000 Are you sure you didn't mean to do it?

01:36:23.000 No, no.

01:36:24.000 Yeah, but it was funny.

01:36:25.000 There wasn't anything you were thinking about maybe that made you...

01:36:27.000 No, we have a great relationship.

01:36:29.000 You know.

01:36:31.000 Well, that means you probably got a good punch.

01:36:32.000 Look, if you hit the drums that hard, I bet you can generate some serious fucking speed.

01:36:36.000 I think my dad would have got back up and hit us.

01:36:39.000 Oh, you can't hit your kids.

01:36:41.000 That's ridiculous.

01:36:42.000 Joe, please.

01:36:43.000 I'm just handing you over to Rogan for all your fighting.

01:36:45.000 You can't do that.

01:36:46.000 I've actually been thinking about taking some Krav Maga.

01:36:49.000 Krav Maga's good.

01:36:50.000 It's interesting.

01:36:51.000 But there's a lot of benefits to taking one martial art over a combinatory system of martial arts.

01:36:59.000 A lot of people think the combinator systems like Krav Maga or something like that is good if you'd only do it every now and then.

01:37:04.000 You just want to learn some self-defense.

01:37:06.000 But I think there's a lot of time spent doing shit like street techniques and stuff like that.

01:37:11.000 That's what you want to know.

01:37:12.000 Not really coming up.

01:37:13.000 No, I don't think you do.

01:37:14.000 Oh, you don't want to know that?

01:37:15.000 No, you really want to be good at what works on trained killers.

01:37:19.000 Not people in the street with a fucking set of keys, because in a real-life situation, there's going to be a lot of craziness going on.

01:37:25.000 You've got to be able to execute from memory and from training.

01:37:29.000 And how much training do you really have taking someone's gun away?

01:37:32.000 I mean, maybe it's a good thing to know if you're in the Special Forces or something, and you've got to learn dealing with people with handguns all the time.

01:37:38.000 But the reality of self-defense is, most of the time when things happen, They happen, one, because one person's not confident, so the other person gets cocky, and two, because you're not aware of your environment and you don't have enough confidence in any one particular discipline, whether it's stand-up or the ground fighting or anything like that.

01:37:53.000 A lot of people want to fight and they don't know how to fight, and it scares the shit out of me.

01:37:57.000 I've been a martial artist my whole life.

01:37:58.000 The last thing I want to do is get in a fight with somebody.

01:38:00.000 Because I know there's some people that can do some crazy shit to your body.

01:38:03.000 I know them.

01:38:04.000 I know people who could...

01:38:06.000 You would be crazy to fight them.

01:38:08.000 But people start fights with them.

01:38:10.000 Because there's a lot of fucking morons out there.

01:38:13.000 But I want to...

01:38:14.000 For me, it's very important that I'm the one...

01:38:17.000 Who is capable of deciding where everything goes.

01:38:21.000 I don't like being in a position where I have to trust my health to some crazy asshole.

01:38:26.000 I don't like that.

01:38:27.000 I don't like to know that some guy can just own me anytime he wants to just jump all over me and I don't know what to do.

01:38:32.000 I can't even defend myself.

01:38:33.000 I can't live like that.

01:38:34.000 That would drive me crazy.

01:38:35.000 I know too many crazy people.

01:38:37.000 I grew up with too many complete fucking psychopaths to ever think that it's safe to not know how to defend yourself.

01:38:43.000 Yeah, I agree with that.

01:38:45.000 Yeah, it's like if you...

01:38:46.000 I know how to defend myself.

01:38:47.000 Eleanor's a good fighter.

01:38:48.000 Eleanor and I used to have mock wrestling matches in the back.

01:38:50.000 I've seen her and Valerie nearly beat up people at shows.

01:38:53.000 I believe.

01:38:54.000 Did you ever get some situations?

01:38:56.000 Well, just one girl.

01:38:58.000 We went out to this club and normally it's a Sunday night.

01:39:03.000 Remember this?

01:39:03.000 It was a Sunday night and it's usually dead.

01:39:05.000 Andrew's like, oh, I always go here.

01:39:07.000 It's usually like 100 people.

01:39:08.000 It's not that bad.

01:39:09.000 We get there.

01:39:09.000 There was some kind of dead mouse DJ thing going on.

01:39:12.000 Oh, okay.

01:39:12.000 There was like 1,500 people.

01:39:15.000 Yeah, it was a pack.

01:39:16.000 And I go, Andrew, we can't go in here.

01:39:18.000 He goes, no, we'll be fine.

01:39:19.000 We'll be fine.

01:39:20.000 Girls were throwing themselves at him like, hey, I know you!

01:39:23.000 And grabbing.

01:39:24.000 Stop with the jealousy.

01:39:25.000 Nice.

01:39:26.000 And me and Valerie had to take...

01:39:27.000 How's that feel?

01:39:27.000 That must be nice.

01:39:28.000 I took this girl down.

01:39:29.000 It always feels good, but you know...

01:39:31.000 How fast did I take that girl off you?

01:39:33.000 Yeah, but how good does it feel?

01:39:34.000 She does.

01:39:34.000 She does security when we go out.

01:39:36.000 Yeah, he gets crazy.

01:39:37.000 He goes crazy.

01:39:38.000 No, it feels good, but you know what?

01:39:42.000 It's nothing I'm looking for.

01:39:44.000 You know what I mean?

01:39:45.000 Of course.

01:39:45.000 No, I'm serious.

01:39:46.000 I believe you.

01:39:47.000 Even when I'm single, you know what I mean?

01:39:49.000 It's nothing that's ever thrilled me unless I'm out hunting.

01:39:53.000 I believe you, but strolling into a club filled with 1,500 people with those sunglasses on and a sleeveless shirt and they're throwing themselves at you?

01:40:01.000 Come on, son.

01:40:01.000 We were coming from a show.

01:40:02.000 You're in a goddamn movie.

01:40:03.000 You're in a goddamn movie.

01:40:04.000 That I appreciate.

01:40:06.000 Sometimes it does hit me in that way.

01:40:08.000 How does anybody get to live that life?

01:40:09.000 Stop and think about everything.

01:40:10.000 Really appreciate that.

01:40:11.000 You're a famous guy.

01:40:12.000 You go to clubs.

01:40:13.000 You go out.

01:40:14.000 Not that much.

01:40:15.000 I mostly do shows and hang out after shows.

01:40:18.000 It's hard to go places.

01:40:20.000 It's very rare that he does it as well.

01:40:23.000 Yeah, I don't do it, but you know what?

01:40:24.000 I like to dance with my wife sometimes.

01:40:26.000 That's true.

01:40:27.000 And I'm very focused on her when I go out because I see all the...

01:40:31.000 I'm watching the guys watching her.

01:40:33.000 But when you go out, you have a problem with people constantly wanting to get your attention to take photos.

01:40:38.000 They normally put me in one of those VIP booths.

01:40:42.000 She stands there with her arms out, like touching the booths, like she's just hanging out, and she won't let anybody...

01:40:48.000 And plus they'll put...

01:40:49.000 Big security guys.

01:40:50.000 This was funny when we went out Halloween, and we went to the same club, I think.

01:40:55.000 No, no.

01:40:57.000 Oh, yeah, but that was later, right?

01:40:58.000 Yeah, and they had...

01:41:00.000 I'm dancing with my wife on the dance floor, and you got these three giants, these three guys surrounding us so we can dance so people didn't bother me.

01:41:10.000 And you just have to ignore it and get into the person you're with.

01:41:13.000 And it's Halloween night.

01:41:13.000 People are wasted.

01:41:14.000 We went to this crazy place first.

01:41:16.000 There was what?

01:41:17.000 There was like 10,000 people at that first place.

01:41:18.000 Yeah, we saw a fight there.

01:41:20.000 Holy shit.

01:41:20.000 We saw a lot of fights there.

01:41:22.000 That's when I belted my friend.

01:41:23.000 Oh, you want to hear something?

01:41:24.000 It was a fetish ball.

01:41:25.000 It was a fetish ball.

01:41:26.000 That's right, Max.

01:41:27.000 And people thought he was dressed as Andrew Dice Clay.

01:41:30.000 And they were like, man, that's what I feel like.

01:41:32.000 You want to hear something funny where I had to hit somebody?

01:41:36.000 Yeah, you could tell.

01:41:37.000 I don't remember the name of the hotel or where we were.

01:41:40.000 Yeah, it was the South something, down near the M Hotel around there.

01:41:44.000 South Coast, maybe?

01:41:44.000 The South Coast?

01:41:45.000 I don't know.

01:41:46.000 But we were walking out, and we're walking fast, because people are recognizing him, A, thinking he's just dressed as nice.

01:41:52.000 And when people yell my name, I never look.

01:41:53.000 And then people thought he was nice.

01:41:54.000 It's like, I'm not him, I just keep going.

01:41:56.000 Right.

01:41:56.000 So all of a sudden, this guy, me and Valerie were in heels, so he was walking fast.

01:42:00.000 Yeah, they're like 30 feet behind me.

01:42:02.000 A little bit ahead of us.

01:42:03.000 So I hear this guy go, dice, dice!

01:42:06.000 And I'm like, oh shit, me and Valerie start speeding up.

01:42:09.000 And he comes over, and we recognize him.

01:42:12.000 They're yelling, no, like don't touch me.

01:42:14.000 He touched him like this, and he knocked him the fuck out.

01:42:17.000 It was his friend Brandon.

01:42:19.000 It's a friend of mine, but I didn't see him coming.

01:42:21.000 So you punched him in the face?

01:42:23.000 No, I didn't see him, and his hands grabbed my shoulder.

01:42:25.000 I was dying.

01:42:26.000 So I just react, and I hit him.

01:42:28.000 You know, because that's where the gloves are off.

01:42:30.000 Once you put your hands on me hard like that.

01:42:33.000 But he's my friend, but they're yelling no.

01:42:35.000 If he was yelling Andrew, I would have just looked.

01:42:36.000 Because I was like, it's Brad!

01:42:38.000 I didn't know it's my friend and I turn and he's going back and he's out on his feet, you know, because I do know how to hit, you know, in that way.

01:42:46.000 But so does Brandon, right?

01:42:48.000 Brandon's a martial artist.

01:42:49.000 Yeah, but I hit him with a side punch.

01:42:53.000 I didn't hit him.

01:42:53.000 I was turning to hit him again and that's when I saw who it was.

01:42:58.000 And I felt so bad.

01:42:59.000 And to this day, he won't admit that he was out.

01:43:02.000 It's just funny.

01:43:03.000 Oh, that's funny.

01:43:03.000 But I'm like holding his chin.

01:43:05.000 I'm like, you okay?

01:43:06.000 How do you yell my name?

01:43:08.000 You don't yell my name ever.

01:43:09.000 You don't say Dice.

01:43:10.000 You say Andrew.

01:43:12.000 Because it sounded like a drunk guy.

01:43:14.000 This is what I'm picking up.

01:43:15.000 Wait, Joe.

01:43:16.000 This is what I'm picking up.

01:43:17.000 I'm hearing a guy yell, Dice!

01:43:19.000 Dice!

01:43:20.000 And all of a sudden, I feel this.

01:43:21.000 Two hands grabbing me like that.

01:43:24.000 So I just fucking bang the guy.

01:43:26.000 And now I'm turning around to really finish him.

01:43:30.000 I'm sure you would react the same.

01:43:32.000 You gotta be careful just grabbing people.

01:43:34.000 You can't do that.

01:43:36.000 You never know.

01:43:37.000 If I feel someone grabbing me from behind, I feel like they're up to nefarious things.

01:43:41.000 Well, you grab me, I gotta do to me grabbing me from behind.

01:43:46.000 That's the one thing I don't have.

01:43:47.000 You're holding me in place.

01:43:49.000 What are your plans?

01:43:51.000 Sorry.

01:43:52.000 It's okay.

01:43:52.000 It's alright.

01:43:53.000 Yeah, it's crazy that someone would...

01:43:55.000 Why wouldn't he just touch you?

01:43:57.000 Hey, buddy!

01:43:58.000 You don't understand.

01:43:59.000 He was drinking, so we got excited when he saw me coming through the hotel.

01:44:03.000 They're 30 feet behind me.

01:44:05.000 Isn't that a fucking problem?

01:44:06.000 The drunks.

01:44:07.000 That is a problem.

01:44:08.000 People don't even realize they're being ridiculous.

01:44:10.000 That's why I drove people out of the shows.

01:44:11.000 They don't even realize it being ridiculous.

01:44:12.000 It's a terrible drug for socializing.

01:44:15.000 It's the best drug for socializing, but it requires character.

01:44:18.000 So many people don't have character and they go out and they drink and their real shitbag personality comes flying out.

01:44:24.000 Hey look, if you come over to me for a picture and you're not drunk and you're nice, I'll take a dozen of them.

01:44:30.000 What do you do though if you're on your way to somewhere and there's a river of people and you can't get through them?

01:44:35.000 Well, if it's nice people, I'll take the shots.

01:44:38.000 But if they're assholes, they put their hands on me.

01:44:41.000 I don't have a fuse.

01:44:43.000 I just don't have a fuse, and I won't deal with it.

01:44:45.000 He did something cool last Sunday at our show in Vegas.

01:44:49.000 He was coming up in the elevator, and he was kind of late.

01:44:52.000 And the guy was like, Hey, man, I saw you at Madison Square Garden.

01:44:54.000 This guy went to both shows at the Garden when I was there.

01:44:57.000 And he was nervous to even say it.

01:44:59.000 Wow.

01:45:01.000 During his show, at the end of it, he goes, who's the guy in the elevator?

01:45:05.000 And the guy was like, that was me.

01:45:06.000 And he took him on stage and took pictures with him.

01:45:08.000 Yeah, he took him on the stage.

01:45:08.000 I thought the guy was going to cry.

01:45:09.000 He was so excited.

01:45:11.000 And I picked out a Chinaman to take the pictures because I know they make the cameras.

01:45:15.000 You know what I mean?

01:45:16.000 Oh!

01:45:17.000 No, no.

01:45:18.000 But they do.

01:45:18.000 They know what they're doing with it.

01:45:20.000 And they were right in front of me.

01:45:21.000 And I actually dedicated my Asian-al bit to them because they were dead center.

01:45:27.000 That's beautiful.

01:45:28.000 I don't know why people...

01:45:29.000 They knew what they were getting.

01:45:30.000 You're coming to a dice show.

01:45:31.000 No, no, but they were cool about it, you know, and I gave them some suggestions for new phones.

01:45:38.000 But yes, I brought the guy up from the crowd because I was in a rush.

01:45:42.000 I was late for the show.

01:45:43.000 But he was nice.

01:45:44.000 So I'm going, who's the guy that was at the garden?

01:45:46.000 Stand up.

01:45:46.000 No, that's very cool.

01:45:47.000 Come on up.

01:45:48.000 Let's take a couple pictures.

01:45:49.000 And of course, I had fun with him, but...

01:45:51.000 We do our shows.

01:45:51.000 I felt bad that I had to blow him off when I was coming up the stairs.

01:45:56.000 We do our shows and then we hang out after the show and take pictures with everybody.

01:46:00.000 But if I'm on a rush to get somewhere, that's when it becomes a problem.

01:46:04.000 Like in Vegas, like after the UFCs, it becomes a real problem.

01:46:06.000 Because there'll be a thousand people waiting in line.

01:46:08.000 I'm like, folks, I can't.

01:46:09.000 I gotta go.

01:46:10.000 I'm meeting my friends.

01:46:11.000 And then they get the ones that...

01:46:12.000 And they get pissed off me.

01:46:13.000 Like, a guy wrote something about me on Facebook.

01:46:15.000 You know what?

01:46:16.000 But you can't concern yourself because...

01:46:20.000 I don't like to blow somebody off.

01:46:22.000 They're legitimately happy to see me.

01:46:24.000 There's a thousand people.

01:46:25.000 It's really fucking hard.

01:46:26.000 I'll blow them off.

01:46:27.000 Or even a hundred if you're in a rush.

01:46:28.000 When somebody goes, dice, will you take a picture?

01:46:30.000 And all of a sudden, their friend's standing.

01:46:32.000 I go, well, how long does it take to take?

01:46:33.000 Oh, it was on the filming by accident.

01:46:36.000 That's why I go, picture's over.

01:46:38.000 You know what I mean?

01:46:39.000 Get the fuck out of here.

01:46:40.000 You know what I mean?

01:46:41.000 Even if they're fans?

01:46:42.000 No, I don't give a fuck who they are.

01:46:44.000 If you want a picture, take a picture.

01:46:46.000 No, they do it on purpose with the filming.

01:46:49.000 So they have more time with you?

01:46:51.000 No, to get that little piece of fucking footage.

01:46:54.000 I can't take it with the phones no more.

01:46:56.000 Some creepy guy puts it online all the time.

01:46:59.000 Yeah, it's like, you know what?

01:47:00.000 Take the picture.

01:47:01.000 It's a nice moment.

01:47:02.000 I get it.

01:47:03.000 But don't start with being Scorsese and doing a fucking feature film with me.

01:47:07.000 The guy got mad at me.

01:47:08.000 He was like, you don't want to be up on YouTube?

01:47:11.000 I'm like, not by you, guy?

01:47:12.000 No.

01:47:12.000 Fucking asshole human beings.

01:47:14.000 He was just filming me and Valerie.

01:47:15.000 And he would put it up, this is Dice's wife.

01:47:18.000 Oh, Jesus.

01:47:18.000 Yeah, he's real creepy.

01:47:19.000 And he did it.

01:47:20.000 But you know what?

01:47:22.000 You're in the public eye.

01:47:23.000 I try to be as cool as I can with people.

01:47:25.000 But then you get the asshole when you're doing...

01:47:27.000 Like, I really refuse to do most meet and greets.

01:47:30.000 Because there's always going to be the guy that wants to put me in a headlock.

01:47:33.000 Yeah.

01:47:34.000 And he's always going to regret it.

01:47:36.000 And I don't care who it is.

01:47:37.000 Why do dudes like to do that?

01:47:39.000 Look, you're a guy like me.

01:47:42.000 You've got an attitude about yourself.

01:47:43.000 You've got a tough image about yourself.

01:47:45.000 So they want to challenge you in front of that chick.

01:47:48.000 If they get to meet you, instead of being cool and taking the picture, they want to out-macho you.

01:47:54.000 And I don't care who it is.

01:47:56.000 I don't care if he's fucking Godzilla.

01:47:58.000 You're going to pay the price for that.

01:48:00.000 Yeah.

01:48:00.000 And right in front of your chick.

01:48:01.000 I don't care if I embarrass you.

01:48:03.000 I don't care how big you are.

01:48:05.000 I have no fucking fear of it.

01:48:06.000 How many times have you been in fistfights because of that attitude?

01:48:09.000 I've had enough problems.

01:48:11.000 I've been sued enough.

01:48:13.000 But now that those things are past me, I can move on to the next group of fights.

01:48:18.000 It is hard to just...

01:48:21.000 See, I used to see you.

01:48:22.000 That's why I would laugh when I would see you, like, flipping out on people.

01:48:25.000 Because I'm going, thank God there's somebody else in the business that has no fucking patience for these assholes.

01:48:32.000 And this is a guy that'll follow people out and go home with them and argue with them.

01:48:37.000 I used to love that about you.

01:48:39.000 Because I didn't know you.

01:48:40.000 The way I came to know you.

01:48:42.000 I'm coming in the comedy store one night and I hear from the stage this guy just...

01:48:47.000 You were burying someone.

01:48:48.000 You weren't doing a bit.

01:48:49.000 You were on somebody that you just didn't...

01:48:52.000 It was Joe Rogan mean.

01:48:55.000 And I just loved it seeing somebody get fucking buried.

01:49:00.000 You know, because you weren't trying to be clever.

01:49:02.000 You weren't trying to be funny at that part.

01:49:04.000 You wanted to dismantle this person piece by fucking piece.

01:49:09.000 And I was just so happy and enjoyed it like I was hearing the funniest stuff ever.

01:49:15.000 And then when you were done, you got back into the act and you kept screaming about whatever you were, you know, your bits and about, you know, you know, fucking this chick and, you know.

01:49:24.000 And I enjoyed that too.

01:49:26.000 But to walk into a place and just see somebody so fucking angry.

01:49:32.000 And I never met you.

01:49:33.000 I never saw you on stage.

01:49:34.000 This was my first experience with you that I had to sit down and watch and just laugh.

01:49:40.000 Oh, thank you.

01:49:41.000 Going, this guy is just enjoying destroying this guy with his chick.

01:49:47.000 And I knew the guy deserved it.

01:49:49.000 Well, there were so many assholes at the comedy store.

01:49:51.000 Because he was like, fuck you, too.

01:49:52.000 That was his big comeback.

01:49:54.000 You're like, fuck me, too?

01:49:56.000 You want to tell me that outside, you motherfucker?

01:49:59.000 You want to be a big shot?

01:50:01.000 You went into the whole fucking thing, and I was like, oh, what a breath of fresh air.

01:50:05.000 There was no one that would monitor the room.

01:50:08.000 The comics were responsible.

01:50:11.000 And it's one of the reasons why we all became so strong.

01:50:13.000 Because you have no protection in there.

01:50:15.000 Me and Brent Ernst and Sam Tripoli, we did this gig together.

01:50:18.000 It's always good to have an Ernst around.

01:50:20.000 You know that.

01:50:20.000 We did this gig and Ernst gets off stage after Crush and he looks at me and goes, Comedy store, motherfucker!

01:50:27.000 And I was like, yeah, dude!

01:50:29.000 You know, it's like that was a gym for us.

01:50:32.000 Sure, it still is.

01:50:33.000 And there were so many...

01:50:35.000 Cunts.

01:50:35.000 That place is a magnet for douchebag guys.

01:50:38.000 They would come and yell out and try to disrupt the act.

01:50:43.000 And girls, they were doing it the other night.

01:50:45.000 Dina D'Armand thought it was okay to heckle them.

01:50:47.000 You know what I love with Ernst?

01:50:49.000 Who is he?

01:50:50.000 Joey?

01:50:51.000 His brother?

01:50:52.000 No.

01:50:53.000 No.

01:50:54.000 Oh, Tony, Tony, Tony, the roller skater.

01:50:56.000 Tony, the roller skater.

01:50:57.000 I love that bit!

01:50:58.000 I once went, I made Brett go on one night.

01:51:01.000 I go, you don't understand.

01:51:04.000 It's not when you actually start the roller skating part.

01:51:09.000 You have to explain to the audience who Tony really is.

01:51:13.000 You've got to get into his life more.

01:51:15.000 Just because you're on stage, you can't be afraid to expand on Tony's life before you actually show them what he does at the roller skating rink.

01:51:24.000 You've got to talk about his history, his family, his likes, his dislikes, what makes him happy.

01:51:31.000 He came a 45 minute bit.

01:51:32.000 So Brett goes on one night...

01:51:35.000 And gets into Tony's whole life that the crowd is like, because this is my type of humor, that people are looking like, who the fuck is this guy that he's talking?

01:51:43.000 And then he goes into the bit of Tony roller skating, but it was 20 minutes before he got to the actual roller skating.

01:51:50.000 It's a big payoff.

01:51:50.000 Before the music kicks in, before anything.

01:51:52.000 It's a great payoff, though.

01:51:54.000 It really is.

01:51:55.000 It's a great idea.

01:51:56.000 I mean, we all know every Tony in the world.

01:51:57.000 Brent Ernst is such a good guy.

01:51:59.000 We were working together at the improv, and he goes, hey, do you want me to not do that bit?

01:52:03.000 Like, I was like, why would I want you to not do that bit?

01:52:05.000 That's the best bit.

01:52:06.000 Yeah, he goes, because, I don't know, it's a real strong bit.

01:52:08.000 I mean, maybe you don't want to follow that.

01:52:09.000 It's like not bringing the puppet.

01:52:09.000 And I go, oh, please.

01:52:10.000 I go, I want you to be as funny as you can be.

01:52:13.000 I enjoy that.

01:52:13.000 Yeah, the bigger the better.

01:52:14.000 That's what it's about.

01:52:15.000 It's a weird thing where someone, for whatever reason, people want to equate.

01:52:19.000 What?

01:52:20.000 Filth.

01:52:21.000 People want to equate other people's success with somehow or another that it takes away from you.

01:52:26.000 And I think that's crazy.

01:52:27.000 Yeah, I agree.

01:52:28.000 It's a weird disease that people have where you want to be the only person funny on the show.

01:52:32.000 And you know and I know that there's a lot of comics that brings up guys on the road with them and they stack the deck.

01:52:37.000 They put terrible comedians up, which is really not just rude to their audience members.

01:52:42.000 It's rude, but it's also so cowardly.

01:52:46.000 I know guys who bring up guys, and these are national headliners who do big places, and they bring up guys who shouldn't be allowed to ever do comedy.

01:52:54.000 I mean, you watch this poor audience get assaulted with nonsense, with nonsense in the rhythm of a comic.

01:53:02.000 Well, see what I like to do, like when Norton was with me, a lot of times I would also have Steve Simone just working for me, you know, like road stuff.

01:53:10.000 So I remember when we were doing the Venetian, okay?

01:53:15.000 Simone wasn't booked as a comic.

01:53:17.000 You know, I had Norton to open for me, and Norton's strong.

01:53:20.000 So, you know, we're just backstage, and we're going to start the show.

01:53:23.000 And that's when I look at Simone, and I go, you're on deck.

01:53:26.000 He goes, what are you doing?

01:53:27.000 I go, go out and do your thing now.

01:53:29.000 Because I wouldn't want them thinking about the act that they have.

01:53:33.000 I just want them instantly to walk out and do that.

01:53:36.000 I did it to Max, too, when he was younger.

01:53:39.000 Because you know you've got the guy coming on before you that's going to kill.

01:53:43.000 So I like to take a newer guy to sort of train him in comedy and a guy that really has his shit together that I'm back there going, okay, you've got to amp up.

01:53:52.000 He's killing.

01:53:53.000 You know, like when Eleanor goes up, I know if the crowd is okay.

01:53:57.000 I know if they suck.

01:53:58.000 I know if they're great by the response she's getting because she's top-notch.

01:54:02.000 You know what I mean?

01:54:03.000 So when she goes out there, I know her stuff kills.

01:54:05.000 So if they're just ha-ha-ha, I'm like, all right, another shit crowd.

01:54:10.000 You know what I mean?

01:54:11.000 So you've got to really be able to know your audience before you get out there.

01:54:16.000 And the only way to do it is to have an unbelievably strong opener.

01:54:20.000 Yeah.

01:54:20.000 Because if you have somebody weak, you can't judge the crowd by them because they're new.

01:54:26.000 Right.

01:54:26.000 You know what I mean?

01:54:27.000 Yeah, having a strong open is very important.

01:54:29.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:54:31.000 That sets up the whole show.

01:54:32.000 The people that don't do that are so silly.

01:54:34.000 It's so dumb.

01:54:35.000 It's a weakness.

01:54:36.000 It doesn't make you look better.

01:54:37.000 It makes you look worse.

01:54:37.000 So she better be strong in Chicago, I'll tell you that.

01:54:39.000 I will be strong in Chicago.

01:54:40.000 We threw Brian on stage.

01:54:41.000 We threw Brian Redman on stage in the biggest crowd he'd ever seen.

01:54:45.000 Redman?

01:54:46.000 I thought it was Redman.

01:54:47.000 Well, you keep calling him that.

01:54:49.000 So why didn't you tell me his wrong name?

01:54:50.000 That's why we laugh at you when you say it.

01:54:52.000 Redman's a normal name.

01:54:53.000 No, Redman.

01:54:54.000 Redman.

01:54:55.000 No, no, I get it now, but I've been calling him Redman correctly.

01:54:58.000 It's whatever you want it to be.

01:55:00.000 No, no, I don't want it to be whatever.

01:55:02.000 He loves you.

01:55:02.000 I want it to be what you need.

01:55:04.000 He'll change his name for you.

01:55:05.000 He's Redman now.

01:55:06.000 We're going to make it Redman.

01:55:07.000 Somebody find Redman on Twitter.

01:55:09.000 Joey J, my new buddy.

01:55:10.000 It's a rapper.

01:55:10.000 Double J. Double J Rogan.

01:55:13.000 Double J Rogan.

01:55:13.000 That's my new shit.

01:55:14.000 Double J. Juicy Joe.

01:55:16.000 On the road.

01:55:16.000 Double J, picture.

01:55:17.000 What, what, what?

01:55:20.000 You got right into it.

01:55:20.000 I think I need to get some sort of a diamond chain, some sort of platinum and diamond, two J's together.

01:55:25.000 Double J. Double J. It's a strong nickname for you.

01:55:27.000 And just take pictures like this.

01:55:28.000 Because I've been thinking about it on a constant basis.

01:55:31.000 Because every time I call you, I'm going, he's got to have a nickname now.

01:55:34.000 He's got to have one.

01:55:35.000 I've got to find out the middle name.

01:55:37.000 Everybody has nicknames.

01:55:38.000 But Double J is a cool name.

01:55:40.000 It's a good, but only by your friends.

01:55:42.000 Yeah.

01:55:42.000 Only by your friends.

01:55:43.000 Yeah, you don't let strangers call you that.

01:55:45.000 The crowd can't call you Double J? If it becomes that big, you'll have no choice.

01:55:48.000 I think it's too late.

01:55:49.000 I think you just started a revolution.

01:55:51.000 Oh, no.

01:55:51.000 No, Double J is a great name.

01:55:53.000 I'm going to call him Juicy for short.

01:55:54.000 Thanks, sweetie.

01:55:55.000 You know what I mean?

01:55:56.000 That's a cool name for you.

01:55:57.000 I like it.

01:55:58.000 The Dice Man coming to St. Charles, Illinois' Dice Clay Showtime Special at the Arcata Theater on Saturday, August 25th.

01:56:05.000 If you're in Chicago, you need to go and check this shit out.

01:56:08.000 If you're not in Chicago, you need to get on a fucking plane and go and check this shit out.

01:56:11.000 And if you go to OSHOWS.com or you can call the theater, the number for the theater is 630-962-7000.

01:56:22.000 I'll say it again.

01:56:23.000 630-962-7000.

01:56:27.000 That's not hard to remember, bitch.

01:56:29.000 Relax.

01:56:30.000 Damn.

01:56:30.000 What are you talking to?

01:56:31.000 The people are listening.

01:56:32.000 So this is your first special in 17 fucking years.

01:56:36.000 Wow.

01:56:36.000 Do you have a new name for it?

01:56:38.000 The special?

01:56:39.000 Yeah.

01:56:39.000 Have you named it yet?

01:56:40.000 Yeah, I have.

01:56:41.000 Did you?

01:56:43.000 Is it going to be a surprise?

01:56:44.000 No, it's exciting.

01:56:45.000 I'm glad.

01:56:45.000 You don't know the name of the special.

01:56:47.000 You're with me.

01:56:48.000 I know, but...

01:56:49.000 It's called Dice, Indestructible.

01:56:51.000 Indestructible.

01:56:52.000 You see, you change it back.

01:56:53.000 Change it back?

01:56:54.000 No, don't talk about other names.

01:56:55.000 Don't talk about other names.

01:56:56.000 There's no reason, because that's the name.

01:56:58.000 What if you had a Twitter contest to say what the name would be?

01:57:02.000 All right, so on the real Dice Clay, send me what you think, even though I'm going to use what I already know.

01:57:10.000 Then why would they do it?

01:57:11.000 And what are the options?

01:57:13.000 What if they come up with something good?

01:57:15.000 Well, let me hear.

01:57:16.000 Let me hear what they got to say.

01:57:17.000 Okay.

01:57:18.000 You know, last time I did your show...

01:57:19.000 Indestructible is pretty fucking good.

01:57:21.000 Indestructible, because I feel I've been through a lot.

01:57:23.000 I feel my fans have been through a lot.

01:57:25.000 Yeah.

01:57:25.000 You know, so I really...

01:57:27.000 And this show is such a rock and roll vibe.

01:57:30.000 You know, I really want to create what I would call, you know, the most exciting stand-up special I've ever done.

01:57:38.000 That's what I want to give people.

01:57:40.000 How hard was it for you to go through all that censorship stuff when MTV banned you because you were talking about feminine hygiene products?

01:57:49.000 It was so over the top and ridiculous.

01:57:51.000 You know what it was?

01:57:52.000 For the first 10 years when I was just doing the clubs around the country and honing my act and I would get write-ups from local papers, They would write me up in newspapers like The Hoodlum of Yuma, things like that.

01:58:06.000 It was all positive stuff, and then they'd write about the act.

01:58:11.000 The day after my HBO special aired, The Dice Man Cometh, the New York Times put the headline, The Demise of Western Civilization.

01:58:21.000 I think that's a compliment.

01:58:23.000 No, but they ripped the whole show apart.

01:58:25.000 And I wasn't prepared for it because as I was coming up as a comic, I wasn't thinking I want to be a controversial comic.

01:58:32.000 I wasn't even thinking.

01:58:33.000 I just did the act I wanted to do.

01:58:35.000 So it was almost like getting...

01:58:37.000 You know, a sucker punch.

01:58:39.000 I didn't see it coming.

01:58:40.000 So when all that media backlash happened, I was like, don't they get?

01:58:44.000 I'm just a comic.

01:58:45.000 I'm not running for office here.

01:58:46.000 I'm a comic.

01:58:47.000 Well, there was something that felt like you were being hateful.

01:58:51.000 Hateful towards gays or hateful towards foreigners.

01:58:54.000 There was moments where people were just really overreacting.

01:58:58.000 And I was like, How come that's okay in rap music or it's okay in a movie?

01:59:02.000 Well, no, that all came after it.

01:59:04.000 See, all that heavy rap, all the shows like South Park, all the controversial shows came after me.

01:59:11.000 So now that I survived all that, when I went through it...

01:59:14.000 Was that pre-2 Live Crew?

01:59:16.000 Was that pre-2 Live Crew at the same time?

01:59:18.000 It was around the same time, wasn't it?

01:59:19.000 Yeah, it was around the same time.

01:59:20.000 Because I remember you being connected to that in arguments about obscenity.

01:59:23.000 Oh, you know how many rap songs I'm in?

01:59:25.000 Yeah.

01:59:25.000 I mean, even the song by...

01:59:27.000 That one dance song.

01:59:29.000 EMF. Oh!

01:59:31.000 Did they ask for permission for that?

01:59:33.000 EMF. I let them sample me because they called my office and said they're writing a song about me.

01:59:40.000 They're defending me.

01:59:42.000 You know, so we allowed them to sample me.

01:59:45.000 Can you imagine that?

01:59:47.000 That's beautiful.

01:59:48.000 That's crazy.

01:59:49.000 They wanted me to present them.

01:59:50.000 They won for Best Song of the Year with MTV, and they wanted me to be the presenter, and still MTV wouldn't let me on at the time.

01:59:58.000 They still have...

01:59:58.000 Did they let it go now?

02:00:00.000 Yeah, they unbanned me last year when I did Entourage.

02:00:04.000 It's so stupid.

02:00:05.000 But in a way, I understand what happened, because when I went on MTV and did what I did, You know, it was at a time when nobody did that and there was no beeping.

02:00:14.000 You know, even my manager at the time, Sandy Gallen, called me up and said, I thought that was just on my television.

02:00:21.000 Like, he couldn't believe the language.

02:00:23.000 You know, and the banning for life was one of the greatest things that ever happened to me.

02:00:28.000 I went from doing one show at a 20,000-seat arena to three shows that weekend.

02:00:34.000 And I was like, I don't give a fuck.

02:00:36.000 I'm not a singer.

02:00:37.000 No.

02:00:38.000 Today is different.

02:00:39.000 Today you don't need them anymore.

02:00:40.000 They're not as important.

02:00:42.000 You doing The Tonight Show is not nearly as impactful as you do in a podcast.

02:00:47.000 That's something I'll never have to worry about.

02:00:49.000 If you did The Adam Carolla Show, it would have more impact than it would do The Tonight Show.

02:00:54.000 Another comic that won't put on any comics that'll shine.

02:00:58.000 Jay Leno's chandelier head?

02:01:00.000 He's a big, dumb fucker.

02:01:03.000 You know what?

02:01:04.000 I never did let him in either, but I don't have anything against him.

02:01:08.000 I think he's great at a show.

02:01:10.000 But Leno was always the type, like I talk about the comics I don't like, he was never a type to want to help his fellow comics.

02:01:18.000 So that's why when he brings a comic on, they don't become superstars.

02:01:22.000 Because number one, a lot of them don't even have the chops to be on a show like that yet.

02:01:26.000 So they'll do okay.

02:01:28.000 Well, doesn't he help Norton a lot?

02:01:30.000 Now.

02:01:31.000 Norton's an exception.

02:01:32.000 That's right now.

02:01:32.000 That's new.

02:01:33.000 You know, and he does a lot of on the street stuff.

02:01:35.000 And Norton became a star before he ever went on Leno.

02:01:38.000 But Leno doesn't look to, hey, sit down like Johnny would do.

02:01:41.000 I see what you're saying.

02:01:41.000 So he doesn't create stars.

02:01:43.000 He's not looking to.

02:01:46.000 This fucking guy only cares about him.

02:01:49.000 Trust me on that.

02:01:50.000 If you really stop and think about that, if you are a comic and you do have a show where you occasionally have comics on, wouldn't you want to promote all your friends?

02:01:56.000 You do it, and Chelsea Handler does it.

02:02:00.000 Leno knew me for years when I was struggling, and he was already a big comic.

02:02:05.000 He was already co-hosting Carson.

02:02:07.000 And when my career took off, he would badmouth me to newspapers, and I got hold of this fucking boulder head in the improv, and I said, trust me when I tell you this, next time I won't be talking to you.

02:02:19.000 You won't even see me coming if you ever open your fucking mouth again.

02:02:23.000 I love that expression.

02:02:23.000 And he goes with his stupid voice, you know, the high-pitched, I can't even do this asshole.

02:02:29.000 Yeah, he goes, we weren't expecting to become the stars that we...

02:02:35.000 And I go, let me tell you something.

02:02:36.000 Maybe you weren't expecting to become a big-time guy, but I knew exactly where the fuck I was going.

02:02:42.000 You know, and it's guys like that that I don't like because they really don't look to help even the guys they bring on.

02:02:48.000 It's just filling those five minutes like he's supposed to.

02:02:51.000 He's always been friendly to me when I've done the show.

02:02:54.000 I can't say anything bad about the guy.

02:02:55.000 He's a fucking hump.

02:02:57.000 It's okay.

02:02:58.000 I don't know.

02:03:00.000 When was the last time you did a Leno shot?

02:03:02.000 I did it like a year ago.

02:03:03.000 Maybe, yeah, when Fear Factor was back on.

02:03:05.000 I did it with Ron Paul.

02:03:06.000 Oh, wow.

02:03:07.000 But a guy like you who's had series, you know, after series, Fear Factor.

02:03:12.000 Yeah, but I don't want to go on.

02:03:14.000 Well, maybe that's where your friends are.

02:03:15.000 Yeah, I'm not asking to go on it.

02:03:17.000 I don't try to go on anything.

02:03:20.000 The last time I saw him, I was hosting this late night show with Judd Nelson for one day.

02:03:27.000 And all of a sudden, somebody comes over and he goes, Leno wants to say hello.

02:03:31.000 And this was after I had a fight with him years earlier.

02:03:33.000 So I go over to the set, you know, and he's standing on the stage.

02:03:36.000 No one's there.

02:03:37.000 And I'm just bullshitting with him.

02:03:39.000 I go, so when are we doing the show?

02:03:40.000 And he goes, we need to set it up.

02:03:41.000 And I go, well, let's set it up.

02:03:43.000 It's only been 20 years.

02:03:45.000 And he goes, no, we're going to do it.

02:03:47.000 And of course, it never happened.

02:03:48.000 I'm like, would this asshole want me to see him on his set?

02:03:52.000 Like, I get it.

02:03:53.000 You're hosting a fucking talk show that, to me, is old fucking hat.

02:03:57.000 You know what I mean?

02:03:58.000 And that's just how I feel about him.

02:03:59.000 When you don't help your fellow comics and you're in a position like Carson was years ago, when he'd bring a comic on, he would fucking...

02:04:08.000 He was so confident about who he was, right?

02:04:11.000 That's right.

02:04:12.000 He was just so confident that when he'd bring on a Rodney or a...

02:04:15.000 Or any new comic, you know.

02:04:17.000 He wanted you to shine.

02:04:18.000 If the guy shines, he'd go, come on over, sit down.

02:04:21.000 And he'd let him shine even more.

02:04:23.000 It wasn't like, oh, I'm giving him too much time away from...

02:04:26.000 You're on the show every night for 90 fucking minutes.

02:04:29.000 Give a guy five minutes to make it.

02:04:31.000 You know what I mean?

02:04:32.000 And that's where Leno and him are two different men.

02:04:36.000 Because, you know, Letterman does it.

02:04:37.000 He brings on the guys.

02:04:41.000 Kimmel does it.

02:04:42.000 They all do it.

02:04:43.000 I think there's a few guys that know, first of all, how few slots there are and how much competition there is.

02:04:51.000 And no one's more aware of that than Jay.

02:04:53.000 This guy's interested in buying his next old Volkswagen and making it look like a hot rod.

02:04:58.000 But I won't badmouth him because you're a friend of his, so I'm going to let it go.

02:05:02.000 Calm down.

02:05:03.000 He's always been nice to me on his show.

02:05:04.000 Exactly.

02:05:05.000 But I didn't grow up with him.

02:05:08.000 Believe me, I'll see him again.

02:05:09.000 I'll tell him how I feel.

02:05:10.000 Oh!

02:05:11.000 You're a fucking jerk-off.

02:05:13.000 I don't, you know.

02:05:13.000 Real fucking jerk-off.

02:05:15.000 I think it's weird that he doesn't have anything out there that you could buy.

02:05:18.000 He's a comic, but it's hard to buy a Jay Leno CD. It's not like he comes out with new material.

02:05:23.000 Well, he does his show on The Tonight Show.

02:05:25.000 He does that monologue, and he does his shows outside, but he recycles the same act for the most part.

02:05:30.000 Apparently, he doesn't want to do a special, but he goes, Why don't we do a special?

02:05:33.000 It costs me $300.

02:05:35.000 No, I can't do that act anymore.

02:05:37.000 You're a good friend.

02:05:37.000 You know what?

02:05:38.000 He's a good guy.

02:05:39.000 How about enjoying what you do?

02:05:41.000 But it's true.

02:05:41.000 What I'm saying is he doesn't put out material, which is odd.

02:05:46.000 And his reasoning for it is that it would cost him money because he couldn't do that act anymore.

02:05:50.000 He'd have to write a whole new act.

02:05:52.000 I thought that was really odd.

02:05:54.000 But he's known when he was young.

02:05:57.000 That's what I like about Seinfeld, because with all his fame and everything, he still gets out there and he does the stand-up.

02:06:03.000 And as far as the cleaner guys, I would have to say he's just...

02:06:08.000 Yeah, he's the best.

02:06:10.000 That stuff never makes me laugh as much as your kind of stuff.

02:06:13.000 I don't want...

02:06:15.000 I see observational stuff, and it's interesting, it's funny, but it's not ridiculous.

02:06:20.000 But I go from what's behind closed doors.

02:06:24.000 Not just that.

02:06:26.000 It's ridiculous.

02:06:28.000 Ridiculous is beautiful.

02:06:30.000 It's fun.

02:06:30.000 It's silly.

02:06:33.000 Your show is so silly.

02:06:34.000 It's so fun.

02:06:35.000 We had such a great fucking time.

02:06:37.000 There's so much shit that you're saying that we're howling.

02:06:41.000 It's just so ridiculous.

02:06:42.000 Well, like you brought up earlier with Norton when you were laughing at that one particular bit, I know the bit.

02:06:48.000 That's the stuff Norton goes crazy from because he knows there was absolutely no thought.

02:06:54.000 There were no facts.

02:06:56.000 But it flows great.

02:06:57.000 It's funny.

02:06:58.000 That to me is...

02:07:00.000 I love Jerry Seinfeld.

02:07:02.000 I think he's a great comedian.

02:07:03.000 I think he was great as an actor on that show.

02:07:05.000 But if I had a choice between seeing him or you, I'd always see you.

02:07:09.000 Well, I appreciate that, and I understand why, because I know the kind of guy you are, and I know that's why you would come see me, because you know I'm going to deliver what you need for your laughs.

02:07:19.000 Yeah, I appreciate it as a, you know, like, that form of stand-up comedy.

02:07:24.000 You're a real pioneer.

02:07:26.000 I'm sorry I didn't throw somebody out for you.

02:07:29.000 Throw somebody out.

02:07:29.000 You did.

02:07:30.000 You did throw somebody out that night.

02:07:31.000 Yeah, like within the first two minutes.

02:07:33.000 What happened?

02:07:34.000 Right to the right.

02:07:35.000 You're right.

02:07:36.000 You're lower right.

02:07:37.000 There was a drunk asshole and you're like, oh, this is not gonna work.

02:07:41.000 I can tell you right now, this is not gonna work.

02:07:43.000 Was it a Dice Mean moment?

02:07:45.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:07:45.000 The guy was hammered.

02:07:48.000 Because I had to yell at him first, and then he came out.

02:07:50.000 Remember, when he got up and walked out, he didn't know what the fuck was even happening.

02:07:55.000 He was so drunk.

02:07:56.000 Well, that's why I want him out.

02:07:57.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:07:57.000 You know what I mean?

02:07:58.000 Don't try to help me up there.

02:08:00.000 You couldn't have worked with that guy.

02:08:01.000 No, I couldn't.

02:08:01.000 There are certain guys that are just so hammered.

02:08:03.000 There's nowhere.

02:08:04.000 I thought I calmed him down.

02:08:06.000 And then I thought, you know, with the band coming out, that he would be cool.

02:08:10.000 And they think it's a joke when they say I'm going to throw you out.

02:08:12.000 I'll give them a chance.

02:08:14.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:08:14.000 You know, I'll always give him a chance.

02:08:16.000 Go sit in the corner.

02:08:17.000 What about the night I start going to the back of the theater?

02:08:18.000 Sit in the corner for 30 seconds.

02:08:20.000 What about when I start going to the back of the theater when the guy got me mad?

02:08:23.000 He walked out to go at a guy.

02:08:25.000 Yeah, I left the mic.

02:08:26.000 I went after him.

02:08:26.000 What are you doing?

02:08:28.000 Let us work security.

02:08:31.000 Why would you do that?

02:08:31.000 There was a guy in the back of the room, got on my nerves, and I'm going, get security out of this.

02:08:37.000 Get this guy out of here.

02:08:39.000 And nobody's coming.

02:08:39.000 So I go, look, I'll throw you out personally.

02:08:41.000 I don't care.

02:08:42.000 I don't know what you look like.

02:08:43.000 I don't know what, you know, I'm coming to get you.

02:08:45.000 And I just went towards the back.

02:08:48.000 And by the time I was nearly there, they had security pulling the guy out.

02:08:51.000 Yeah.

02:08:51.000 Oh, my God.

02:08:52.000 Oh, you want to hear the best?

02:08:55.000 Oh, this is great.

02:08:57.000 A couple of weeks ago, my governor's in Long Island.

02:09:00.000 And like, you know, now and then I get the real asshole.

02:09:02.000 And there's a guy with dark glasses like me and he's fucking drunk and being an asshole.

02:09:08.000 So I said, open your fucking mouth again and I'll throw you the fuck out of here.

02:09:11.000 Let's see what happens.

02:09:13.000 You know, and the guy's just yelling.

02:09:15.000 He don't even know what he's yelling.

02:09:16.000 So, you know, they got tough guys working at Governor's.

02:09:19.000 So they come to throw the guy out.

02:09:21.000 After the show, Don Jameson goes, you missed the greatest thing I ever saw at one of your shows.

02:09:28.000 I go, what happened?

02:09:29.000 He goes, you know the guy you threw out?

02:09:31.000 He was blind.

02:09:33.000 I go, what?

02:09:34.000 He goes, not only was he blind, he was fighting for the guys here.

02:09:38.000 Going, fucking dice!

02:09:40.000 I'll kick his fucking ass!

02:09:42.000 I'll dare him talk to me like that!

02:09:44.000 And these guys couldn't hold him down.

02:09:46.000 They said he had like retarded strength.

02:09:48.000 You know, and he's swinging his fucking stick at them.

02:09:52.000 He's swinging the stick.

02:09:53.000 I go, well, you know, it's not like he had a dog with him that I could know he's blind.

02:09:57.000 All I know is he was a drunk asshole and he got what was coming to him.

02:10:01.000 You know what I mean?

02:10:02.000 But, you know, I would have liked to see that at least to get it on film.

02:10:07.000 You know, that's a great YouTube piece.

02:10:09.000 They're filming anything.

02:10:11.000 Why didn't the guy take out his phone and film them fighting him so he could put it on YouTube?

02:10:15.000 He didn't even see them coming to throw him out.

02:10:17.000 We're eventually all going to have those Google Goggles on and you won't need a YouTube or an iPhone.

02:10:23.000 We're going to film everything you see through your eyes.

02:10:26.000 They're already working on it.

02:10:27.000 The chips are already going to get in?

02:10:28.000 Yeah, there's just no privacy anymore.

02:10:30.000 This Google Goggles is legit, man.

02:10:32.000 You put it on, it's got a little small lens in the corner.

02:10:35.000 It's like you're a fucking Terminator.

02:10:37.000 It's like you have this readout.

02:10:38.000 You could get navigation.

02:10:40.000 And every asshole is going to buy it.

02:10:43.000 You could take photos.

02:10:45.000 You're going to make video, you're going to be able to broadcast a video.

02:10:48.000 What happened to figuring shit out?

02:10:49.000 Wait, what happened to fun?

02:10:50.000 Well, what happened to progress and technological innovation?

02:10:53.000 It's going to keep going.

02:10:54.000 You're not going to stop it.

02:10:55.000 If you want a car, you've got to deal with the consequences that people want in time travel, okay?

02:10:59.000 Because it all comes from the same place.

02:11:01.000 It all comes from people figuring out amazing shit.

02:11:04.000 People figure out amazing shit, and they never stop.

02:11:06.000 They will never fucking stop, ever.

02:11:08.000 And Google Goggles is going to lead to Google Contact Lenses, which is going to lead to Google Neural Implants, which is going to lead to who knows what kind of fucking...

02:11:16.000 That's going to lead to my retirement.

02:11:18.000 I'm getting those kind of implants.

02:11:19.000 That's it.

02:11:20.000 Are you getting those?

02:11:21.000 Yeah, I'll see why not.

02:11:22.000 Get some tits.

02:11:22.000 Like Pamela's?

02:11:23.000 Before you die, what the fuck?

02:11:24.000 She always talks about it, you know what I mean?

02:11:28.000 She's a very nice girl.

02:11:29.000 What's she going to do?

02:11:30.000 Don't stuff your ass, though.

02:11:31.000 She's only...

02:11:32.000 Don't what?

02:11:33.000 Your ass.

02:11:34.000 Oh, I have an ass.

02:11:35.000 That's what I'm saying.

02:11:36.000 You don't understand her dimensions.

02:11:38.000 She's not built for big tits.

02:11:40.000 You don't know that.

02:11:41.000 She's got plenty.

02:11:42.000 Oh no, you're eight and a half feet wide.

02:11:45.000 You're eight and a half inches wide.

02:11:47.000 I am not eight and a half feet wide.

02:11:48.000 If you measure her width and her depth.

02:11:52.000 I'm telling you, look at her.

02:11:54.000 Have you seen what Kim Kardashian has done to her ass?

02:11:56.000 I don't pay any attention.

02:11:58.000 Apparently, there's a new video of it.

02:11:59.000 I don't like Armenians.

02:12:00.000 And some guy on YouTube said it looked like she was wearing a diaper filled with pudding.

02:12:05.000 She's got another ass job.

02:12:07.000 Wait, that's not real?

02:12:07.000 She's got her ass larger.

02:12:08.000 No, no doubt.

02:12:09.000 I don't know why she quit the film career.

02:12:10.000 She probably had a half a decent...

02:12:11.000 Well, she only had one shot at it.

02:12:13.000 I mean, I don't mind the reality show.

02:12:14.000 She wants more videos.

02:12:16.000 Yeah, I mean, that fucking movie she made, she was on the money.

02:12:19.000 Wouldn't it be great to watch her fuck one of those giant super athletes that she fucks?

02:12:23.000 No, I want her to stay away from the athlete.

02:12:24.000 Even the movie she did.

02:12:26.000 Let her play with Kanye.

02:12:27.000 Even that movie she did, like, nobody really talks about it enough.

02:12:31.000 You know what I mean?

02:12:32.000 Because she was a natural.

02:12:34.000 Great work.

02:12:34.000 Well, she's a natural attention whore.

02:12:36.000 No, but what I'm saying is, why quit cinema now that you got your TV show?

02:12:42.000 Well, she thinks that dad got her to the dance, but there's more money legitimately in commercials, like for Skechers, when you go to the airport, and you go to put your fucking wallet in the bin, and you look at Kim Kardashian's ass.

02:12:51.000 I would much rather see her suck on dick from morning, noon, and night.

02:12:54.000 I would, too.

02:12:55.000 Let me see the ass.

02:12:56.000 This is really strange.

02:12:59.000 Yeah, it's really strange.

02:13:00.000 Watch.

02:13:00.000 Look at her ass.

02:13:01.000 I mean, it doesn't even look real.

02:13:03.000 Like, watch.

02:13:03.000 Watch when they focus on it.

02:13:05.000 Like, what?

02:13:06.000 Hi, Kim.

02:13:07.000 Check it, check it, check it.

02:13:08.000 Here we go.

02:13:09.000 What's that?

02:13:09.000 What the fuck is that?

02:13:11.000 What the fuck is that?

02:13:12.000 She's wearing a diaper filled with pudding.

02:13:14.000 Joe, you're right.

02:13:15.000 I'm right.

02:13:15.000 Back it up a little bit, Brian.

02:13:16.000 Back it up a little bit just to show us my thing.

02:13:18.000 Can we do it in slow motion?

02:13:19.000 She's, listen, don't get me wrong.

02:13:21.000 I'm not hating.

02:13:22.000 Dude, this part is the boring part.

02:13:23.000 You want to get past this?

02:13:24.000 Yeah, let's go.

02:13:25.000 And you want to go to the other?

02:13:26.000 Hi, Kim.

02:13:27.000 Yeah, here.

02:13:28.000 Not this part.

02:13:30.000 From here on.

02:13:31.000 This is where it gets crazy.

02:13:32.000 Slow motion.

02:13:33.000 Look what's going on there.

02:13:34.000 What's that?

02:13:35.000 Ha ha!

02:13:35.000 That's not even real.

02:13:37.000 That is not real, man.

02:13:38.000 She's doing something crazy because it doesn't match her legs.

02:13:41.000 She looks like the penguin in that Batman movie.

02:13:44.000 Dude, it's not real because her upper body's not changing.

02:13:47.000 Her arms aren't changing.

02:13:49.000 She's stuffing her ass like a turkey.

02:13:51.000 It's just...

02:13:52.000 It's craziness.

02:13:53.000 It's absolute, complete madness.

02:13:54.000 Which, by the way, she had a beautiful body to begin with.

02:13:57.000 You know what it is?

02:13:57.000 They get so affected that they can't do enough, like when they blow out their lips like Betty Boop.

02:14:03.000 You know what I mean?

02:14:04.000 They do that whole, you know, with the fucking lips.

02:14:06.000 Yeah, that's sad.

02:14:07.000 None of it works.

02:14:08.000 The lips don't work.

02:14:10.000 Especially for a young girl.

02:14:11.000 Somebody that doesn't need the shit.

02:14:12.000 But tits work.

02:14:13.000 It does work.

02:14:14.000 Yeah, but she doesn't have the frame as a supporter.

02:14:16.000 You sound like my brother.

02:14:16.000 You shouldn't do it.

02:14:17.000 You should get the tits.

02:14:18.000 She does not have the frame.

02:14:21.000 I probably would have already done it.

02:14:22.000 I do.

02:14:22.000 I should have done it.

02:14:23.000 I do have the frame.

02:14:24.000 If I was a girl, I'd probably have giant tits.

02:14:25.000 I'd probably have 38 double Ds.

02:14:27.000 Dude, I'm going to put crutches.

02:14:28.000 I'm going to put crutches under them.

02:14:30.000 I'm going to put crutches under them.

02:14:31.000 I wouldn't even think of work.

02:14:32.000 That's how big.

02:14:33.000 Put little crutches in front of me and I'll walk like that.

02:14:36.000 Wheelers?

02:14:36.000 Put some wheels on them?

02:14:37.000 Yeah, she always talks about it.

02:14:38.000 I love it.

02:14:39.000 But that's not right.

02:14:39.000 Here's the 300. Go snap them on.

02:14:41.000 300. Breasts are somewhat acceptable.

02:14:46.000 Every man would prefer natural breasts.

02:14:49.000 Breasts are somewhat acceptable, but the ass is wrong.

02:14:52.000 It's wrong.

02:14:53.000 I have a big ass, so I don't care.

02:14:55.000 Especially when a woman can have really nice legs just by working out.

02:14:59.000 That's what we like.

02:14:59.000 I don't know about you, but this is what I buy.

02:15:01.000 I do work out with kettlebells, by the way.

02:15:02.000 Do you know what I mean?

02:15:03.000 Check out this ass.

02:15:04.000 Katy Perry, the other day at one of those water parks, she lost her bottoms.

02:15:08.000 She has big boobies.

02:15:11.000 Where?

02:15:11.000 Here, let me get to it.

02:15:12.000 Right here.

02:15:17.000 She has big boobies, too.

02:15:21.000 Come on.

02:15:24.000 Oh, that's Photoshop, son.

02:15:26.000 No, it's not.

02:15:27.000 There's a lot of them.

02:15:28.000 Are you sure?

02:15:28.000 Yeah, there's a lot of photos.

02:15:30.000 There's people just taking photos.

02:15:31.000 I would pull her right out of that pool and lick it.

02:15:35.000 You know what?

02:15:36.000 This is where we think the same way, Joe.

02:15:38.000 I think that, but first of all, I don't buy that that just happened and she's out swimming with a bunch of fucking civilians.

02:15:44.000 I thought it was a suntan ad.

02:15:44.000 This is all it's about.

02:15:45.000 This is a publicity stunt.

02:15:45.000 It looks like the little girl for the suntan ad.

02:15:47.000 They did it on purpose.

02:15:48.000 They're trying to get more people to go see her movie.

02:15:50.000 The box office returns probably weren't what they expected.

02:15:53.000 So let's find out more about Katie.

02:15:55.000 Now that we've seen her ass, this is her movie.

02:15:57.000 Oh, God.

02:15:57.000 I'm not buying it, goddammit!

02:15:59.000 I'm not buying it either.

02:16:00.000 I love all of you, but I have to go.

02:16:01.000 You know, I don't buy it, but I enjoy it.

02:16:03.000 I do too.

02:16:03.000 She's got a fantastic ass.

02:16:05.000 If I had an ass like that, I'd want the world to see it.

02:16:06.000 Dip your dick in and move on.

02:16:08.000 I'll show everybody.

02:16:10.000 You know what I mean?

02:16:11.000 Ustream.

02:16:12.000 Can I show my butt?

02:16:13.000 You just showed...

02:16:14.000 You can show an ass.

02:16:16.000 What was that?

02:16:17.000 Valerie has a picture of my ass on her Facebook.

02:16:19.000 Was that to get fucking Russell Crowe?

02:16:21.000 Because she's not with him.

02:16:23.000 This is the new guy dipping his dick in and crow.

02:16:26.000 You know what I mean?

02:16:27.000 All these filthy fucking slobs out there.

02:16:31.000 His wife gave me a spray tan.

02:16:33.000 She has a company called Beauty is Pain.

02:16:36.000 Are you enjoying it?

02:16:37.000 And she took a picture of me and put it on Facebook.

02:16:40.000 Yeah, my wife does all the hair and makeup.

02:16:43.000 It's on Facebook and Beauty is Pain.

02:16:45.000 She's unbelievable, but she's just practicing.

02:16:47.000 So she got the spray tan machine.

02:16:49.000 And I'm so white that it looks hilarious.

02:16:51.000 So she paints you orange?

02:16:52.000 Yeah, no, but what you did, she put a tent in the backyard the other day.

02:16:55.000 Red Van will find it.

02:16:56.000 She put a tent.

02:16:57.000 Don't you shut up!

02:16:58.000 You shut up!

02:16:59.000 I'm trying to promote Valerie!

02:17:01.000 Oh, come on, please.

02:17:02.000 Do you believe what I got to go through?

02:17:03.000 Next time, no girls.

02:17:04.000 I'm nice enough to put her on your show.

02:17:06.000 Yeah, no girls.

02:17:07.000 And she just has zero respect for men.

02:17:10.000 They got to know when to talk.

02:17:11.000 I do know when to talk.

02:17:12.000 When somebody's being an asshole.

02:17:14.000 So, you know, I came home on Saturday with Max and...

02:17:19.000 So she had like a barbecue with a spray tanning party.

02:17:22.000 But I wasn't allowed to film a look because they like got to get undressed.

02:17:26.000 And Miss Panties comes out, you know, just in her panties.

02:17:30.000 I'm not shy.

02:17:31.000 And I'm like, I can't film this.

02:17:33.000 You know, I can't, you know, I need the footage here.

02:17:36.000 You know what I mean?

02:17:36.000 Right, right, right.

02:17:37.000 Because, you know, that's like the one thing Eleanor's got going on.

02:17:41.000 You know, the back...

02:17:43.000 She got a big ass?

02:17:44.000 There's a guy on Twitter that says that Kim Kardashian actually got an x-ray of her ass to show and prove that it's real.

02:17:50.000 I thought she did that.

02:17:51.000 His name is Ryan...

02:17:52.000 Well, you know what?

02:17:53.000 Then she's just eating too much ranch dressing.

02:17:55.000 I'll say it again.

02:17:56.000 Ryan, I mostly.

02:17:57.000 No, there's no way.

02:17:58.000 There's my wife.

02:17:59.000 There's Eleanor.

02:18:00.000 How's there a picture?

02:18:02.000 Valerie did.

02:18:03.000 Where'd the picture come from?

02:18:04.000 It's on your wife's Twitter.

02:18:07.000 Eleanor, you have a fine dumper.

02:18:08.000 Yeah, you see what I mean?

02:18:11.000 Is there more?

02:18:13.000 There's another one.

02:18:14.000 Don't look at it.

02:18:15.000 Oh my God, Valerie.

02:18:17.000 Is there any more?

02:18:18.000 You're so full of shit.

02:18:19.000 You told us about it.

02:18:20.000 You knew he was going to search for it.

02:18:22.000 I thought there was only one.

02:18:22.000 Girls are so goddamn predictable.

02:18:23.000 Wait, I thought there was only one.

02:18:24.000 Oh, I can't believe you're seeing my nice body in a photographic form.

02:18:27.000 I don't care.

02:18:29.000 I told you it was online and now you're looking at it?

02:18:31.000 That's crazy.

02:18:31.000 I thought she only had one up there.

02:18:33.000 I don't care.

02:18:34.000 I took the picture for her.

02:18:36.000 You told us.

02:18:36.000 You do care.

02:18:37.000 Because I want to promote her stuff.

02:18:39.000 Just say what the fucking Facebook is.

02:18:41.000 Beauty is pain!

02:18:42.000 You wanted everybody to see your ass.

02:18:43.000 That's it?

02:18:43.000 Just beauty is pain?

02:18:44.000 Right?

02:18:45.000 Beauty is pain.

02:18:46.000 Right there, look.

02:18:47.000 Oh, okay.

02:18:47.000 You wanted everyone to see your ass.

02:18:49.000 And what's the PGW about them?

02:18:51.000 Isn't that a code?

02:18:52.000 The show's a code.

02:18:56.000 Do you like the Olive Garden?

02:18:57.000 I have to go.

02:18:58.000 Next time there'll be no girls.

02:19:01.000 Bullshit!

02:19:02.000 Why no girls?

02:19:02.000 I'm not really a girl.

02:19:03.000 Dice is not allowed to come with girls.

02:19:05.000 There's too much animosity, too much history between you guys, too much crossover where you don't realize it's a podcast.

02:19:10.000 You're both talking at the same time.

02:19:12.000 It's too crazy.

02:19:12.000 I'm trying to promote a special.

02:19:14.000 I'm going to come on by myself.

02:19:15.000 That's going to help you.

02:19:16.000 I'm going to come on by myself.

02:19:17.000 See how you're just overlapping?

02:19:18.000 Oh, you will.

02:19:19.000 You're just overlapping.

02:19:21.000 You're just overlapping.

02:19:22.000 Guess who's fired?

02:19:23.000 Guess who's fired?

02:19:25.000 Now you're fired.

02:19:26.000 The Dice Man coming to St. Charles, Illinois.

02:19:28.000 Andrew Dice Clay Showtime Special.

02:19:30.000 The Arcada Theater on Saturday.

02:19:33.000 Don't steal my employees, man.

02:19:34.000 Saturday, August 25th, the Arcata Theater.

02:19:38.000 Go to OSHOWS.com or call the theater at 630-962-7000.

02:19:47.000 You want to be there.

02:19:47.000 You want to be there for history.

02:19:48.000 He says this is his last special.

02:19:50.000 I say bullshit because if it was anything like what I saw in Vegas, people are going to fucking demand you produce more of that.

02:19:56.000 But it's not that I'm not retiring or anything.

02:19:57.000 More specials, sir!

02:19:58.000 More specials!

02:19:59.000 I plan on touring a lot.

02:20:00.000 That's what I really want to do.

02:20:02.000 Well, listen, that's what I want to see, man.

02:20:03.000 It was a fucking awesome time seeing you in Vegas, I was just going to say.

02:20:07.000 I love that there's guys like you out there.

02:20:10.000 It's so important to me as a person who loves stand-up comedy.

02:20:14.000 And even if I never did stand-up again in my whole life, I'm a fucking fan of it.

02:20:18.000 I love it.

02:20:19.000 And going to see you live was really fun.

02:20:21.000 I agree.

02:20:22.000 And don't think I didn't love that you guys were there.

02:20:24.000 I know, sure.

02:20:25.000 Because when your fellow comics come to see you, you know, it's like exciting.

02:20:29.000 So you know that show was for you and the guys.

02:20:33.000 Yeah, we loved it.

02:20:33.000 You know, that performance was about you and the guys.

02:20:35.000 I couldn't care less if everybody else left the room.

02:20:38.000 It fires me up creatively when I go see a show.

02:20:42.000 Like the last time I saw a show before yours was Norton's.

02:20:44.000 And it just gets me so fired up to perform and to write.

02:20:49.000 You know, and I think that we really, comics really feed off other comics and we get inspired by other comics.

02:20:54.000 So to really be able to sit down and have a, to watch a real show was really a lot of time.

02:20:58.000 A lot of fun, man.

02:20:59.000 I just want to say thank you.

02:21:00.000 And thanks to Eleanor for interrupting.

02:21:02.000 Thank you.

02:21:03.000 Everybody knows we were kidding.

02:21:04.000 Why do you say it like that?

02:21:05.000 Just kidding.

02:21:06.000 Come on.

02:21:06.000 Everybody knows we were kidding.

02:21:08.000 Yes, we love each other.

02:21:09.000 We all love each other.

02:21:11.000 And Eleanor really is.

02:21:12.000 I mean, I don't know how much better you got, but when I saw you in Irvine, which was more than two years ago.

02:21:16.000 It's got to be.

02:21:16.000 Yeah, because I'm almost, well, February will be six years.

02:21:19.000 Yeah, I was really blown away.

02:21:21.000 I mean, you were really professional already.

02:21:22.000 Thank you.

02:21:22.000 But you know what it was?

02:21:23.000 It's like you saw so much shit comedy.

02:21:25.000 None of the best.

02:21:26.000 You saw so many old, dying road hacks that would do the same act for decade after decade and do Nixon jokes and shit.

02:21:35.000 You'd be like, buddy, it's 2000!

02:21:38.000 It's 2000!

02:21:39.000 And people were doing jokes about Ford.

02:21:41.000 Nobody knows who Ford is, but it was back when Eleanor was working there.

02:21:44.000 I was waiting to tell you that.

02:21:45.000 And, you know, it's awesome that you're doing comedy because it was beautiful to watch you on stage that night.

02:21:49.000 I was like, finally, you know?

02:21:50.000 You nailed it.

02:21:51.000 Thank you a million times.

02:21:52.000 She is phenomenal.

02:21:53.000 Without Andrew's help.

02:21:55.000 That's bullshit.

02:21:56.000 She always wanted to do comedy, and she's great at it.

02:21:59.000 You've got to do it yourself.

02:22:00.000 Every night before she goes on, we pound each other, and I open the curtain for her.

02:22:06.000 I never miss a show, no matter what's going on.

02:22:09.000 It's true.

02:22:12.000 Have like the feeling that I know my open is going out and killing.

02:22:16.000 Right.

02:22:16.000 And it's just somebody that happens to be family to me.

02:22:19.000 Right.

02:22:19.000 You know what I mean?

02:22:20.000 And then of course with Max.

02:22:21.000 And now we have the LA Rocks.

02:22:22.000 Now we got LA Rocks and my boys are just fucking slamming it.

02:22:26.000 I've been trying to tell all my comedian friends that hate the road.

02:22:29.000 I'm like, you gotta go out with other friends.

02:22:30.000 You gotta go out with your boys.

02:22:32.000 It's the only way to do it.

02:22:33.000 You're wasting your time.

02:22:34.000 If you go out and you work with some local headliner who wants to blow you off the stage.

02:22:38.000 You'll kill yourself.

02:22:38.000 Yeah, and they step on your material on purpose.

02:22:41.000 I mean, it happens to a lot of my friends.

02:22:42.000 They'll do gigs, and a guy will see their act the first night, and the second night they bring up the same subjects on purpose.

02:22:47.000 They try to kill their best bits.

02:22:49.000 What?

02:22:49.000 Yeah, because they want to have a better set than you.

02:22:50.000 He knows.

02:22:51.000 He's got a dummy.

02:22:52.000 Yeah, you're right.

02:22:52.000 He's from Brooklyn.

02:22:54.000 I'm very spoiled being with Andrew.

02:22:56.000 I'm treated very well in that.

02:22:57.000 Of course.

02:22:58.000 He lets me do my own thing.

02:23:00.000 And the crowds know who you are.

02:23:02.000 I always tell her.

02:23:02.000 Just feel, just really think up there is what he always says.

02:23:06.000 I never give her a time.

02:23:07.000 I just say, when you peek, Yeah.

02:23:09.000 Just get off.

02:23:09.000 Listen, I'm going to say it right now.

02:23:10.000 You guys both together need a podcast.

02:23:12.000 You know how fucking easy it would be?

02:23:13.000 This is all you need.

02:23:14.000 This is all you need.

02:23:15.000 An iPhone.

02:23:17.000 Say what?

02:23:17.000 You're on a plane.

02:23:19.000 Listen, listen.

02:23:19.000 You're on a plane.

02:23:20.000 You are in a restaurant.

02:23:22.000 You're in your hotel room.

02:23:24.000 Wherever you are, you're having an argument.

02:23:26.000 Turn on your iPhone.

02:23:27.000 Turn on your fucking iPhone and record the argument and then just put Dice vs.

02:23:31.000 Eleanor and put it on iTunes.

02:23:33.000 And anytime you guys get in an argument, you record Dice vs.

02:23:36.000 Eleanor and have it a fucking long-running gag of real arguments.

02:23:41.000 You can't fake your arguments.

02:23:42.000 Oh, we have some good ones.

02:23:44.000 That would be fucking hilarious.

02:23:44.000 Because even today, she's going to get yelled at for just talking at the same time, like not letting somebody finish.

02:23:50.000 Well, Brian Callen, Chris D'Elia, and Will Sasso have this 10-minute podcast.

02:23:54.000 Oh, I love it.

02:23:54.000 It's a great idea.

02:23:55.000 It's only 10 minutes.

02:23:55.000 So with you guys, you'd never know what kind of an argument you're into.

02:23:58.000 It might be a half an hour.

02:23:59.000 It might be the podcast might be...

02:24:01.000 Yeah, but that's not fun for me.

02:24:01.000 She annoys me.

02:24:02.000 You annoy me.

02:24:03.000 But it's fun for us.

02:24:04.000 No, but you annoy me.

02:24:06.000 You jump at me for no reason.

02:24:08.000 But I'm your boss.

02:24:08.000 Dice versus...

02:24:09.000 I'm your boss.

02:24:10.000 That's not a way to treat an employee.

02:24:12.000 I am your boss.

02:24:13.000 Right, Max.

02:24:13.000 You do not treat an employee like that.

02:24:15.000 You are the boss, yeah.

02:24:15.000 That's right.

02:24:16.000 I'm the boss.

02:24:16.000 But you don't let him treat you like shit?

02:24:18.000 How come my son knows when to talk and when not to talk?

02:24:21.000 Dice versus Eleanor on Twitter.

02:24:22.000 You just go and go and go.

02:24:24.000 I do go and go and go.

02:24:25.000 And then it's the thread of the brother.

02:24:26.000 I'll tell my brothers.

02:24:28.000 I'll tell my brothers.

02:24:30.000 Forget Eleanor, you're going to be quiet for a moment here.

02:24:32.000 Thanks, Dice.

02:24:33.000 Thanks for doing the show.

02:24:34.000 I really appreciate it.

02:24:34.000 You're welcome, Joe.

02:24:35.000 As a longtime fan, it's an honor to be your friend.

02:24:37.000 It's an honor to have you on the podcast.

02:24:39.000 And I feel the same exact way about you.

02:24:40.000 And we would love to have full death squad support of the Dice Man come at the St. Charles, Illinois.

02:24:45.000 Go out there, folks.

02:24:46.000 Buy those tickets.

02:24:46.000 I'm telling you from the bottom of my heart, as a comic...

02:24:49.000 Who's been a comic for almost 25 years.

02:24:51.000 That was a great fucking show.

02:24:53.000 And me and Jim Norton, two long-time professionals, and Bobby Kelly, long-time professional, we fucking howled.

02:25:00.000 We had a great time.

02:25:01.000 Love fucking Bobby Kelly.

02:25:03.000 Love him.

02:25:03.000 He's a great guy.

02:25:04.000 You're going to love it.

02:25:05.000 Go out and see it.

02:25:06.000 Go to OShows.com.

02:25:08.000 Go to the Arcada Theater and the showtimes are at 7 and 9.30 p.m.

02:25:13.000 So go buy some tickets, you dirty bitches, and support the man.

02:25:16.000 Thank you, sir.

02:25:17.000 Thank you, Joe.

02:25:17.000 Thanks to OnIt.com for supporting our podcast.

02:25:20.000 Thanks to Alienware for sponsoring us and giving us these badass fucking computers.

02:25:25.000 And most important, not sponsoring us, rather, providing us with computers.

02:25:28.000 You know what?

02:25:29.000 I'll use one if they give me one.

02:25:30.000 Well, I'll get you one.

02:25:31.000 I'll get you one.

02:25:32.000 I'll use that.

02:25:32.000 They would love to have you use them.

02:25:36.000 This is what's important to me.

02:25:37.000 They sponsor a lot of fighters.

02:25:38.000 I was looking at that.

02:25:39.000 I love the little face.

02:25:41.000 Yeah, me too.

02:25:42.000 Is that a ladybug?

02:25:43.000 No, it's an alien.

02:25:44.000 Oh, it's an alien.

02:25:45.000 Oh, no, because it looks like an alien bug.

02:25:49.000 You should make a DICE model that's a ladybug.

02:25:53.000 It's a great computer if you like to play games.

02:25:55.000 It looks good.

02:25:56.000 If you want to play games, it's literally like a desktop gaming computer that you can carry around with you.

02:26:02.000 Which most laptops, they don't have the horsepower to deliver high-speed graphics.

02:26:08.000 So when you play games on them, they look shitty and clunky.

02:26:10.000 But you could go to MySpace and everything, too?

02:26:12.000 Hell yeah!

02:26:14.000 Email?

02:26:14.000 Yeah, you can go to Friendster.

02:26:16.000 You can do whatever you gotta do.

02:26:19.000 Just log in.

02:26:20.000 You've got mail.

02:26:21.000 Yeah, you can go check out your AOL mail.

02:26:25.000 Yeah, you can do whatever you want with it.

02:26:26.000 It's a real computer.

02:26:27.000 I mean, it's Windows.

02:26:28.000 It's a great computer.

02:26:29.000 I gotta look at that.

02:26:30.000 And as far, like I said, as far as gaming computers, they're top of the food chain.

02:26:33.000 Redband, you have one?

02:26:34.000 They gave you one?

02:26:35.000 Yeah, he's got a 3D one.

02:26:36.000 So, what's the guy's name?

02:26:38.000 Well, the guy I deal with, his name is Cody from Alienware.

02:26:41.000 Cody, listen.

02:26:42.000 Brian Butler from Sucker Punch Entertainment.

02:26:44.000 Yeah, I need like three of them.

02:26:45.000 Three of them?

02:26:46.000 Inappropriate.

02:26:47.000 Listen.

02:26:47.000 No, no, because I'm going to use them.

02:26:49.000 I'm going to show a lot of people it.

02:26:50.000 Maybe if you start a podcast or something, they'll hook you up with three.

02:26:53.000 It's going to be hard to get three out of them.

02:26:55.000 Yeah, but they probably got them in the trunk.

02:26:57.000 You know what I mean?

02:26:58.000 Maybe.

02:26:59.000 I don't know.

02:26:59.000 You know what I mean?

02:27:00.000 Thanks to Onnit.com.

02:27:01.000 If you're interested in any supplements, go to Onnit.com and check out what we've got to offer.

02:27:05.000 Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Take Immune, Bone Strong, a new bone density supplement.

02:27:11.000 What, Joe Rogan?

02:27:12.000 Yes, did you know that certain substances have been shown to increase The fucking strength of your bones, son.

02:27:16.000 Go get yourself some kettlebells.

02:27:18.000 The guy you know with the kettlebells, I'll take a couple of them.

02:27:21.000 That's me.

02:27:22.000 I sell them.

02:27:23.000 Oh, you sell them.

02:27:23.000 They're your brand?

02:27:25.000 Well, we sell them on Onnit.

02:27:27.000 I'm a part owner on Onnit.com.

02:27:29.000 Double J Kettle Bowl.

02:27:31.000 Kettleballs?

02:27:31.000 Kettle Bowl.

02:27:32.000 No, but it's Kettlebell.

02:27:34.000 Kettle Bowl.

02:27:35.000 Yeah, but you could have the Double J Kettle Bowls.

02:27:38.000 I don't think you'd want to hear that.

02:27:41.000 You know, and you give it, like, the look.

02:27:42.000 Brian, you silly, silly, silly bitch.

02:27:45.000 Onnit.com, for supplements, use the code name ROGA. Try out the new HempForce protein powder to answer questions.

02:27:50.000 No, HempForce will not make you test positive.

02:27:53.000 For THC. You can take hemp force.

02:27:56.000 It has no psychoactive substance in it whatsoever.

02:27:58.000 But it does have maca, which makes your dick hard, and raw cocoa, which is a powerful antioxidant, and it's sweetened by stevia.

02:28:06.000 So it's only one gram of sugar per serving, and it fucking tastes delicious, and it's really easy to digest.

02:28:12.000 It's not cheap stuff.

02:28:14.000 It's expensive.

02:28:15.000 But it's the highest quality stuff that we could sell.

02:28:17.000 Can I ask you something about that?

02:28:19.000 Sure.

02:28:20.000 It doesn't have, like, that stuff in it that you shouldn't have?

02:28:25.000 No, there's no artificial sweeteners in it.

02:28:27.000 It's only sweetened by stevia, which is actually just a plant extract.

02:28:30.000 But what about, like, the ephedera stuff and all that?

02:28:32.000 No, no, no, none of that.

02:28:33.000 None of that.

02:28:33.000 I would try that, then.

02:28:35.000 Well, it is the best plant-based protein powder you can buy, and it's the most easily digestible protein powder.

02:28:41.000 It doesn't give you any bloating.

02:28:42.000 I love whey protein powder.

02:28:44.000 I love, like, muscle milk and those things.

02:28:46.000 They're delicious.

02:28:46.000 But, they make me fart, man.

02:28:48.000 They give you a bloated feeling sometimes.

02:28:51.000 It's not the same clean feeling that I get when I eat hemp protein powder.

02:28:55.000 I think it's one of the most easily digestible.

02:28:57.000 But, if you're interested in any of this stuff, go to Onnit.com for supplements.

02:29:00.000 Use the code name ROGAN. Save yourself 10% off.

02:29:03.000 For battle ropes and kettle bells, that code name does not work because we sell them as cheap as is humanly possible.

02:29:09.000 They're the best quality athletic and sports equipment things that are available.

02:29:13.000 And that's all we're ever going to sell.

02:29:14.000 If we sell it, it's the best shit that we can get.

02:29:17.000 It's stuff that we would use ourselves.

02:29:19.000 And with the supplements, there's a 30-day, or excuse me, for first order of 30 pills, 100% money-back guarantee.

02:29:26.000 You don't even have to bring back the supplements.

02:29:27.000 You just say, I didn't like AlphaBrain.

02:29:29.000 That's it.

02:29:30.000 You're done.

02:29:30.000 You're going to like it because it's fucking awesome.

02:29:32.000 Go to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T.

02:29:34.000 All right, you dirty freaks.

02:29:36.000 Tomorrow, the great Everlast will join us, and I'm going to do a nighttime podcast with Brian's best friend, Duncan Trussell.

02:29:41.000 We'll see you dirty bitches soon.

02:29:43.000 And don't forget Death Squad Friday at the Ice House.

02:29:45.000 Oh, yeah, that's right.

02:29:46.000 Super Show, Ridiculously Stacked, Greg Fitzsimmons, Dom Irera, who else?

02:29:51.000 Joey Diaz!

02:29:52.000 Joey motherfucking Diaz!

02:29:53.000 Tony Hinchcliffe!

02:29:54.000 Tony Hinchcliffe!

02:29:55.000 And maybe a special guest.

02:29:56.000 And maybe a special guest.

02:29:57.000 And me, bitches.

02:29:58.000 So, Friday night.

02:30:00.000 We're in top form.

02:30:01.000 These shows have been fucking spectacular.

02:30:03.000 Never had better Ice House Chronicles podcast.

02:30:06.000 Never had better shows.

02:30:07.000 We're having the time of our fucking lives here in Pasadena.

02:30:09.000 And it's mostly because of you guys.

02:30:11.000 I mean, we have to show up.

02:30:12.000 But if you guys didn't send us so many positive tweets, and if there wasn't such an awesome group of human beings that meets us at every city all over the world, it wouldn't be nearly as fun.

02:30:20.000 So thank you all.

02:30:21.000 We appreciate the fuck out of you.

02:30:22.000 And we'll see you soon.

The Joe Rogan Experience - August 15, 2012

Joe Rogan Experience #253 - Andrew Dice Clay

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