The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #261

00:00:01.000 Thanks, buddy.

00:00:02.000 Bye.

00:00:02.000 Did we start again?

00:00:03.000 Did we do the ads again?

00:00:05.000 Listen, folks.

00:00:07.000 I'm a retard.

00:00:08.000 I'm a little tech friend.

00:00:12.000 My technologically enhanced friend.

00:00:14.000 Yeah.

00:00:14.000 I don't know how the fuck to do this.

00:00:16.000 I'm just winging this shit, son.

00:00:18.000 It's the best.

00:00:18.000 Just guessing and flipping cues.

00:00:20.000 You were able to fade the song out?

00:00:22.000 Yeah, I did a good job with that.

00:00:23.000 Let me make sure that if I switch to this view that people still hear it.

00:00:30.000 People still hear it.

00:00:31.000 Beautiful.

00:00:32.000 Whoa.

00:00:34.000 I'm a retard bro.

00:00:36.000 You just don't know the system.

00:00:37.000 I'm a retarded person.

00:00:39.000 Trust me.

00:00:40.000 I got in an argument with someone in the middle of the argument.

00:00:43.000 They go, what's seven times 40?

00:00:45.000 And I'm like, I don't fucking know.

00:00:48.000 We're upset at each other.

00:00:49.000 I can't do math.

00:00:51.000 The fuck you asked me to do math?

00:00:52.000 What kind of tricks is that?

00:00:53.000 Are you trying to make me think I'm stupid?

00:00:55.000 What does that have to do with it?

00:00:55.000 Well, it's like, mission accomplished.

00:00:57.000 I don't know.

00:00:58.000 It's a lot of numbers.

00:00:59.000 I'm dumb with numbers, dude.

00:01:00.000 I'm really dumb with numbers.

00:01:01.000 Yeah.

00:01:02.000 Yeah, I have to really force myself.

00:01:04.000 Because when I was a kid, I just had really bad times in math.

00:01:08.000 I thought it was so boring.

00:01:10.000 I had a terrible attitude about it.

00:01:11.000 I never had anybody who was an enthusiastic math teacher.

00:01:14.000 And my teachers were not terrible, terrible teachers.

00:01:18.000 They just were bored.

00:01:19.000 They just were uninspired.

00:01:21.000 They weren't really into...

00:01:22.000 I remember one time there was a documentary on...

00:01:25.000 About Lake Erie.

00:01:27.000 There was this one crazy science professor in our class.

00:01:30.000 Science teacher, I guess.

00:01:31.000 Mr. Holman.

00:01:32.000 And he was always, like, late with the facts.

00:01:34.000 Oh, really?

00:01:35.000 Yeah.

00:01:35.000 He was always, like, you know, some shit that was true, like, a while ago.

00:01:38.000 Yeah.

00:01:39.000 He would not be, like, kept up to it.

00:01:41.000 So this thing was about...

00:01:43.000 He just kept saying...

00:01:44.000 Yeah.

00:01:45.000 It was about Lake Erie.

00:01:46.000 He was like, the world's not round.

00:01:47.000 It's oval.

00:01:48.000 He was insisting that Lake Erie was a dying lake.

00:01:52.000 And I said...

00:01:52.000 Oh, really?

00:01:53.000 Yeah.

00:01:54.000 Well, you know, a dead lake, because Lake Erie really has been...

00:01:57.000 Is it going to dry up?

00:01:58.000 No, really badly polluted.

00:02:00.000 Oh, so there's no life in it.

00:02:02.000 Yeah, I think Lake Erie had to make a big comeback, but they cleaned it up.

00:02:08.000 And there was a whole documentary that was on PBS really recently, like the night before.

00:02:13.000 And me and another kid in the class were talking about the documentary.

00:02:16.000 I was like, we just saw something on PBS that said it's making this comeback to show all these fishermen.

00:02:21.000 - Yeah, that's PBS.

00:02:23.000 - Yes, exactly. - When it's some guy who went to school 40 years ago. - But he didn't even listen to us.

00:02:28.000 He dismissed it.

00:02:29.000 He didn't want to talk about it.

00:02:31.000 He didn't acknowledge that maybe there was possibly some new data that he had been teaching some shit that somebody figured out in 1980 or something.

00:02:42.000 Back then, you weren't really on top of shit.

00:02:47.000 You weren't really on top of what the fuck is going on in the news.

00:02:50.000 If you're freeballing on stage in front of the class telling people, and that's why Lake Erie is a dead lake.

00:02:56.000 Yeah.

00:02:57.000 And then some kid goes, no, it's not dead.

00:02:59.000 There was a whole documentary on TV, man.

00:03:03.000 And he said, fuck you?

00:03:04.000 No way.

00:03:04.000 He didn't listen.

00:03:05.000 He didn't even want to acknowledge it.

00:03:07.000 Whereas if you said that to me, if I was saying, obviously I'm not a fucking teacher.

00:03:14.000 But if you, for whatever reason, were talking to me about that, and you brought up that PBS ran a whole documentary on it, I would have to go, ooh, I didn't see that.

00:03:26.000 I would have to go, oh, wow, is this new stuff?

00:03:29.000 Maybe there's some improvements.

00:03:30.000 Well, that's good news.

00:03:32.000 It's good news that science can actually clean up the ocean and the rivers and the lakes as well as fuck them up.

00:03:37.000 You're happily surprised to hear it.

00:03:38.000 Yeah, it's nice.

00:03:38.000 Well, it is beautiful that they have made some pretty significant, they have had some pretty significant results in cleaning up some types of spills.

00:03:48.000 Really?

00:03:48.000 They've come up with new types of bacteria that actually eat oil and can help clean up places like the Gulf and situations like that.

00:03:58.000 Yeah.

00:03:58.000 You know what I heard about that pile of plastic that you always talk about?

00:04:02.000 Yeah.

00:04:03.000 When they say, how big is it?

00:04:04.000 Like twice the size of Texas?

00:04:05.000 Right.

00:04:05.000 They said that's such a humongously gross exaggeration.

00:04:09.000 Really?

00:04:09.000 It's less than one one-hundredth of the size of Texas.

00:04:12.000 Really?

00:04:12.000 And they said that kind of exaggeration discredits the actual problem that's there.

00:04:16.000 because it makes people write off everything.

00:04:18.000 It's humongous.

00:04:19.000 But Texas is massive.

00:04:22.000 Right, right.

00:04:23.000 So they're just being like typical liberals?

00:04:26.000 Yeah.

00:04:27.000 Anyone wants to make sure everyone knows about it.

00:04:30.000 It's like, I held my breath for 10 seconds.

00:04:32.000 Oh, that's a long time.

00:04:33.000 Somebody else wants to be like, I held my breath for 5 minutes.

00:04:35.000 And you're like, no you didn't.

00:04:36.000 You went too far.

00:04:38.000 Well, you can do that.

00:04:39.000 There was a guy, that David Blaine guy, I think holds the world record.

00:04:43.000 Held his breath for five minutes?

00:04:44.000 Oh, more than that.

00:04:45.000 What?

00:04:45.000 Yeah, more than that.

00:04:46.000 I think he did something crazy, like 13 or 14 minutes.

00:04:49.000 Really?

00:04:50.000 Yeah.

00:04:51.000 He's got the world record, I'm pretty sure.

00:04:53.000 I'm crazy.

00:04:54.000 I know that sounds crazy.

00:04:55.000 You think he trains?

00:04:55.000 13 or 14 minutes.

00:04:56.000 Sounds so stupid.

00:04:57.000 Look that up.

00:04:57.000 You know where I'm getting this from?

00:04:58.000 Brian Callen.

00:04:59.000 Oh, really?

00:05:00.000 Fucking love Brian Callen.

00:05:01.000 And he had a hawk on his shoulder the whole time.

00:05:03.000 Brian Callen's a beautiful person.

00:05:06.000 Fucking love that dude.

00:05:08.000 It might be true, though.

00:05:09.000 Because David Blaine...

00:05:10.000 David Blaine, call him a magician.

00:05:13.000 Call him whatever the fuck you want to do.

00:05:14.000 I will call David Blaine a bad motherfucker.

00:05:16.000 Okay, because I couldn't stand in that ice for three days.

00:05:18.000 Which one's David Blaine, the new one or the old one?

00:05:20.000 He's the crazy guy that would hang out in a box and just fucking live his life.

00:05:27.000 No, did he?

00:05:29.000 Did he do something like that?

00:05:30.000 Somebody did that.

00:05:30.000 David Copperfield was the old one.

00:05:32.000 Oh yeah, that's the type of guy that would make the Statue of Liberty disappear.

00:05:35.000 He would also abduct somebody in Aruba for fucking however long.

00:05:41.000 Breath world record.

00:05:42.000 13 or 14. That'd be nuts.

00:05:44.000 I couldn't do it for 30 seconds.

00:05:46.000 Yeah, I'm not that good at holding my breath.

00:05:48.000 I'm going to try it right now.

00:05:50.000 You know what, Brian?

00:05:51.000 That was one of the greatest things anybody's ever said.

00:05:54.000 Okay, 17 and a...

00:05:56.000 Oh, my God!

00:05:58.000 17 and a half minutes?

00:05:59.000 No, no, no.

00:05:59.000 17 minutes, four and a half seconds.

00:06:03.000 Holy shit!

00:06:05.000 That's how long he did it for?

00:06:06.000 Yes!

00:06:07.000 Oh, my God!

00:06:10.000 This is insane, man.

00:06:12.000 How the fuck did he do that?

00:06:15.000 That's not just kind of crazy.

00:06:18.000 Think of how long the time is between a sitcom scene starting and then they go to commercial.

00:06:26.000 How many is that?

00:06:27.000 How many minutes is that?

00:06:28.000 Is that seven minutes or something like that?

00:06:31.000 Two of those.

00:06:33.000 Dude, plus some.

00:06:36.000 That's a long time.

00:06:37.000 Think of like an episode of Friends.

00:06:39.000 Like two of those things that held the fucking crazy of Marshall.

00:06:42.000 Oh my god.

00:06:43.000 All before they go to commercial.

00:06:45.000 Think of that.

00:06:46.000 He's held his breath through that whole thing.

00:06:49.000 And then some.

00:06:50.000 Two of those.

00:06:51.000 Yes.

00:06:52.000 Wow.

00:06:53.000 That was just 40 seconds.

00:06:54.000 That seemed like forever.

00:06:55.000 Yeah, he's a weird guy, man.

00:06:58.000 Yeah, he goes all the way through the first break and the second break.

00:07:01.000 If that guy was a fighter, he would be a scary guy.

00:07:04.000 David Blaine?

00:07:05.000 Yeah.

00:07:05.000 You ever see black people react to him?

00:07:06.000 No.

00:07:07.000 It's hilarious.

00:07:08.000 What do they do?

00:07:09.000 Black people still have a weird thing about magic.

00:07:12.000 And they react like, no!

00:07:14.000 No!

00:07:15.000 They push each other and shove and run away because they have that weird thing and they just can't say it's a trick.

00:07:21.000 They feel strange about it.

00:07:23.000 It's hilarious.

00:07:24.000 Wow.

00:07:24.000 They're scared of his magic?

00:07:26.000 They're scared of magic in general.

00:07:28.000 Really?

00:07:29.000 Yeah.

00:07:29.000 That's a racist thing to say.

00:07:31.000 It's a racial observation.

00:07:33.000 I grew up with elders teaching me that black people are scared of magic.

00:07:37.000 I watched, by the way, a Jewish horror movie the other day.

00:07:41.000 What was it?

00:07:42.000 It's this new movie...

00:07:44.000 No, this new movie, the...

00:07:46.000 What the fuck is it called?

00:07:50.000 The Possession or some shit like that.

00:07:51.000 About the Dybbuk box?

00:07:52.000 Yes.

00:07:53.000 You saw that?

00:07:54.000 I think I auditioned for it.

00:07:55.000 Did you really?

00:07:57.000 I was like, really?

00:07:58.000 I took a movie about this?

00:07:59.000 It was fucking good, man.

00:08:01.000 About them holing up an evil spirit inside a box?

00:08:04.000 It was a good horror movie.

00:08:06.000 Really?

00:08:06.000 Yeah, it was no Apocalypse Now, but it was a fun horror movie.

00:08:09.000 I enjoyed the shit out of it.

00:08:11.000 The dude from The Watchmen that looks like Brad Garrett, but he's not Brad Garrett.

00:08:16.000 Here's what I gotta start doing.

00:08:18.000 Yeah, I know that guy.

00:08:19.000 Here's what I gotta start doing.

00:08:20.000 I gotta start going to movies and saying this is just supposed to be dumb fun.

00:08:23.000 That's all this is supposed to be.

00:08:25.000 Right.

00:08:25.000 Like Expendables or whatever.

00:08:27.000 That's all I'm down for.

00:08:28.000 I'm down for like the Avengers and werewolf movies.

00:08:30.000 Just like let's root for the good guys and don't worry about it.

00:08:33.000 And I'll fuck around and see a Twilight movie with Mrs. Rogan if I get crazy.

00:08:38.000 Really?

00:08:38.000 Just to find out what the fuck is going on.

00:08:42.000 I'm going to go see Fifty Shades of Grey too, just to find out what the fuck is going on with the culture.

00:08:46.000 That's a sex book, right?

00:08:47.000 Yeah.

00:08:48.000 There's something going on with us, man.

00:08:49.000 Well, here's what it is.

00:08:50.000 We're not getting our rocks off.

00:08:51.000 Yeah.

00:08:52.000 Girls want the porn just like we want it, but theirs is not what we want.

00:08:55.000 There's a romance porn.

00:08:56.000 There's a different kind of porn.

00:08:58.000 There's a vampire who will risk everything just to be with them.

00:09:01.000 You know, guys.

00:09:02.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:09:04.000 Some will turn down their special power.

00:09:06.000 I've had conversations with a bunch of different people about this.

00:09:10.000 But every girl's like, I want that kind of love too.

00:09:13.000 It's like, well, you don't get that.

00:09:14.000 You don't get that kind of love.

00:09:15.000 That's not real.

00:09:16.000 There's no vampires.

00:09:17.000 There's no vampires.

00:09:18.000 Nobody's giving up their power.

00:09:19.000 What are you...

00:09:19.000 Isn't that nuts?

00:09:20.000 Somebody told me this the other day too.

00:09:21.000 It's like, wait, so that kid has been around?

00:09:24.000 Who told me this?

00:09:25.000 That guy has been around for 2,000 years and he's in love with a 16-year-old?

00:09:28.000 Exactly, that was me.

00:09:30.000 Oh, that's who it was.

00:09:32.000 I said he was a fucking pervert, man.

00:09:34.000 He was a piece of shit.

00:09:35.000 A thousand-year-old dude hanging out with a 17-year-old girl.

00:09:38.000 That's crazy.

00:09:39.000 That was me, I know.

00:09:40.000 Yeah, it's like ridiculous.

00:09:42.000 That's so stupid.

00:09:43.000 It's such a stupid idea that he would still be in high school.

00:09:46.000 And he's going to give up his power?

00:09:48.000 Yeah, he's got to pretend he's in high school.

00:09:49.000 For a six!

00:09:50.000 Well, I'm still in high school.

00:09:51.000 What, you can't pretend you're 18, you're out of school?

00:09:54.000 You can't pretend that.

00:09:55.000 You look like you're 25. You can't just wander through the streets.

00:09:59.000 You gotta show up at school every day like everybody else.

00:10:01.000 Put a little gray in your hair and go to a bar and hang out at night with regular people who are into regular things.

00:10:06.000 Shave your head, stupid.

00:10:08.000 What do they get your references about the count?

00:10:09.000 Yeah, you don't have to tell people you're 17. You look like you're 25. Go, just go, go.

00:10:15.000 Leave school.

00:10:16.000 You can graduate this year.

00:10:17.000 What kind of nonsense is that?

00:10:19.000 He's going to keep enrolling in school?

00:10:21.000 Is the truant officer going to stop a vampire from running around?

00:10:24.000 It's a whole family of vampires that only eat deer.

00:10:27.000 What?

00:10:28.000 The fuck are you saying?

00:10:29.000 You've got nice people vampires that run around eating deers?

00:10:32.000 In those movies, let me ask you a question.

00:10:34.000 In those movies, do they already know everything that's being taught?

00:10:38.000 In school?

00:10:39.000 Yeah, they must know everything.

00:10:42.000 Make that guy sit there.

00:10:43.000 That's like some sort of a crazy torture.

00:10:46.000 Yeah.

00:10:47.000 Like Chinese water torture.

00:10:48.000 One water drips on you, it's no big deal.

00:10:50.000 But if water keeps dripping on you for a hundred hours, you might lose your fucking marbles.

00:10:55.000 Like Groundhog Day.

00:10:56.000 Yeah, you might go crazy.

00:10:57.000 By the year.

00:10:59.000 Yeah, what the fuck?

00:11:00.000 Yeah, what do you transfer schools every two years?

00:11:02.000 Fucking vampire that doesn't bite you.

00:11:04.000 What are you talking about?

00:11:06.000 I want my cake and I want to eat it too.

00:11:09.000 I want that kind of love.

00:11:10.000 I want to be a stay-at-home mom and have a career.

00:11:13.000 This is why I respect you.

00:11:14.000 That sounds like a crazy person.

00:11:15.000 This is why you're not equals.

00:11:16.000 I want to fly and be a person.

00:11:18.000 Well, you better get a plane, bitch, because you can't do that shit with your body.

00:11:21.000 You can't really fly.

00:11:22.000 That's crazy.

00:11:23.000 How can you want that?

00:11:24.000 What do we want?

00:11:26.000 Blowjob.

00:11:27.000 Release.

00:11:28.000 Yeah, that's it.

00:11:29.000 The release from the junkie of the penis that wants to explode squirty stuff out.

00:11:35.000 Yeah.

00:11:36.000 Those movies ruin it for all of us.

00:11:38.000 They ruin it for all of us.

00:11:39.000 What, porn movies?

00:11:40.000 No, not porn.

00:11:41.000 The girl porn movies.

00:11:42.000 Yeah, the girl porn movies.

00:11:43.000 When they don't know, but they're like, I sort of expect something better now.

00:11:46.000 Well, you know, they're just responding to a lack of romance.

00:11:50.000 You know, there's a lot of people that don't find anybody who's really into them.

00:11:53.000 You know, it's fucking hard to find someone who just, well, you're exactly what they're looking for and they're exactly what you're looking for.

00:12:01.000 Because a lot of times it's just one.

00:12:03.000 One of those is there.

00:12:05.000 Like the guy's into the girl or the girl's into the guy or, you know, someone's annoying.

00:12:09.000 Whatever the fuck it is.

00:12:10.000 No one's exactly what anybody's looking for.

00:12:12.000 No, that's so not true, dude.

00:12:14.000 I know people, it's rare as fuck.

00:12:16.000 And nothing.

00:12:16.000 Not even like, I wish they put their socks away more.

00:12:18.000 I wish they were a little more.

00:12:20.000 Nothing.

00:12:20.000 Okay, that's a crazy person worrying about socks.

00:12:22.000 What are you doing?

00:12:23.000 I'm just saying.

00:12:24.000 It's a crazy example.

00:12:26.000 We get to the bottom of Mr. Shafia's problem.

00:12:30.000 Here, he's trying already to sabotage with clothing.

00:12:34.000 Nothing has to do with behavior.

00:12:36.000 It's all clothing now.

00:12:38.000 He's trying for anything.

00:12:39.000 That sounds like that guy, the Donald Duck.

00:12:41.000 Remember the old cartoon with the Donald Duck scientist?

00:12:43.000 When he was talking about the road rage that happens?

00:12:46.000 Remember that one?

00:12:48.000 Yes.

00:12:48.000 The driver gets in the car and he just turns into this thing.

00:12:51.000 Yes.

00:12:52.000 Yeah, he's like a scientist duck.

00:12:53.000 A scientist duck.

00:12:55.000 That's right.

00:12:55.000 You sounded just like that.

00:12:56.000 I haven't thought about that guy in a long time.

00:12:58.000 Now I can never do that voice again.

00:13:00.000 It's lost.

00:13:01.000 Why?

00:13:01.000 You won't be able to reproduce it?

00:13:03.000 I can only do like a couple of voices, like confidently.

00:13:06.000 And I have to be around them all the time.

00:13:08.000 Like Joey Diaz, I'm around Joey Diaz all the time.

00:13:10.000 So I can do Joey Diaz easy.

00:13:13.000 But other ones like that, I had them for a while and then they're gone.

00:13:16.000 You know?

00:13:17.000 Yeah.

00:13:18.000 Like Arnold's easy.

00:13:19.000 You can do Arnold's easy.

00:13:20.000 Arnold.

00:13:21.000 Arnold's easy is the only guy you can do with just noises.

00:13:23.000 You can do just like...

00:13:27.000 It's so dumb.

00:13:28.000 That's the impression.

00:13:29.000 I've never seen that not work on stage.

00:13:31.000 Yeah, it's so dumb.

00:13:33.000 It's so dumb.

00:13:34.000 It's a noise, but it's that guy.

00:13:36.000 Yeah.

00:13:37.000 Whereas, I don't think that's the...

00:13:38.000 I can't think of any...

00:13:40.000 Maybe Stallone, I guess, is like...

00:13:43.000 There's like a little bit of a noise.

00:13:46.000 Not as much.

00:13:47.000 Yeah.

00:13:48.000 There's so many movies where he was yelling, where you're like, what the fuck is yelling like that for?

00:13:53.000 And a normal person would be like, ah!

00:13:56.000 And he's like...

00:13:57.000 The most bizarre...

00:14:01.000 Did you see the remake of...

00:14:03.000 Conan?

00:14:05.000 No, not Conan.

00:14:06.000 Where's the sweet spot?

00:14:07.000 Dude, wherever your fucking beautiful face is.

00:14:09.000 The remake of...

00:14:10.000 That's the sweet spot right there.

00:14:11.000 Total Recall.

00:14:12.000 No.

00:14:13.000 Just out of respect.

00:14:14.000 I already got shit from Joey Diaz for seeing the new version of The Mechanic.

00:14:19.000 Really?

00:14:19.000 Joey Dears almost stabbed me.

00:14:21.000 Really?

00:14:22.000 Yeah.

00:14:23.000 I was like, I don't have respect for Charles Bronson, dog.

00:14:25.000 You go to that fucking piece of shit.

00:14:27.000 That fucking Jason Statham, that little pansy.

00:14:29.000 He's gonna play Charles Bronson's character, cocksucker.

00:14:33.000 He went crazy.

00:14:34.000 Was it good?

00:14:34.000 No, I didn't see that fucking movie.

00:14:36.000 It was very good.

00:14:37.000 I bet.

00:14:38.000 It was very good.

00:14:38.000 Statham is one of the coolest guys.

00:14:40.000 I love Statham, and I love that dude who I don't remember his name, but he was in that movie...

00:14:47.000 The vampire movie about Alaska.

00:14:50.000 Vampire movie?

00:14:51.000 Oh, it's all night long?

00:14:52.000 Yeah, what the fuck is it?

00:14:54.000 30 days of night or something like that?

00:14:56.000 60 days of night?

00:14:57.000 90 days of night?

00:14:58.000 120 days?

00:14:59.000 I don't know what the fuck it was.

00:15:01.000 The vampire...

00:15:02.000 Whatever the fucking...

00:15:03.000 Somebody on Twitter was screaming at me, I'm sure, right now.

00:15:06.000 You idiot!

00:15:07.000 You fucking moron!

00:15:09.000 How are you, the one who gets to talk?

00:15:11.000 Charles and Mac has produced it for over six months!

00:15:15.000 But he was a badass in that fucking movie, that vampire, 30 Days of Night.

00:15:20.000 30 Days of Night.

00:15:21.000 You got him the first guest.

00:15:21.000 Yeah, that movie, I gotta find out this dude's name now because he was so fucking good in that movie.

00:15:28.000 It was like chilling because it's such a stupid premise.

00:15:32.000 That you're in a vampire.

00:15:33.000 It's sort of cool.

00:15:34.000 Vampires would go with this more night.

00:15:36.000 But these were legit.

00:15:37.000 I'm sorry.

00:15:38.000 Hold on a second.

00:15:38.000 These were legit what?

00:15:39.000 Vampires?

00:15:40.000 These were legit vampires.

00:15:41.000 This is one of the last movies.

00:15:42.000 Oh yeah, where they're badass.

00:15:42.000 30 Days of Night where they were fucking terrifying legit vampires.

00:15:47.000 They were awesome.

00:15:49.000 Why couldn't they find those people?

00:15:50.000 Why couldn't they go door to door?

00:15:53.000 They didn't want to.

00:15:54.000 They weren't really into looking that hard.

00:15:56.000 Oh yeah.

00:15:56.000 They had to hide away and go from place to place.

00:15:59.000 His name is Danny Houston?

00:16:00.000 Is that the homeboy's name?

00:16:01.000 That's one of them.

00:16:02.000 This guy played the vampire.

00:16:04.000 Oh, really?

00:16:05.000 Yeah, this guy was one of the guys in that movie that was awesome, but he wasn't the guy that I was thinking about.

00:16:11.000 There's a guy who played the vampire familiar.

00:16:17.000 He played the person that was hoping they were going to turn him into a vampire.

00:16:23.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:16:24.000 That guy never works out for him, right?

00:16:26.000 Oh, yeah, it never works out.

00:16:27.000 That guy always gets jacked.

00:16:28.000 Double-crossed?

00:16:28.000 Yeah.

00:16:29.000 Well, he's always kind of a piece of shit, you know?

00:16:33.000 Yeah.

00:16:34.000 There's always something wrong with him.

00:16:36.000 The familiar.

00:16:37.000 But he's such a good weasel, you know?

00:16:39.000 And in this movie, he had, like, rotten teeth, and he was all fucked up looking.

00:16:44.000 Really?

00:16:44.000 Yeah, it was awesome.

00:16:45.000 He was great.

00:16:46.000 They didn't allow him to have a...

00:16:47.000 They always kill those guys.

00:16:49.000 Yeah.

00:16:50.000 They did it in the Hunger Games, too.

00:16:51.000 Oh, yeah, you gotta kill those guys.

00:16:53.000 Gotta kill them eventually.

00:16:54.000 You can't let those guys fucking go on.

00:16:56.000 Ben Foster, that's his name.

00:16:57.000 Ben Foster?

00:16:58.000 Yeah, he's from Boston.

00:17:00.000 Holla at your boy.

00:17:00.000 He's a bad motherfucker.

00:17:02.000 That dude is a bad motherfucker.

00:17:05.000 Keep an eye on that dude as far as, like...

00:17:07.000 Like watching a guy who can really pull off someone fucked up in a movie.

00:17:11.000 Holy shit is he good.

00:17:12.000 He was the familiar?

00:17:13.000 He was the familiar.

00:17:14.000 He was so good in it.

00:17:16.000 It was like, this is a silly role.

00:17:17.000 I mean, you got to pretend they're going to turn me into a vampire.

00:17:20.000 It seems so stupid.

00:17:22.000 But he did it so creepy and so fucked up that he looked like a guy who had been so shell-shocked.

00:17:28.000 Before they put him in this prison, he was so shell-shocked.

00:17:32.000 Because he had seen like just vampires just gutting people everywhere he went.

00:17:36.000 And they were going to turn him into a vampire and eventually they just, spoiler alert, eventually they fucking eat his face.

00:17:42.000 And it's pretty intense.

00:17:43.000 But you buy it.

00:17:46.000 His acting, the rawness of it all.

00:17:50.000 Do they get him fast or do they like slow?

00:17:51.000 Oh, they fuck you up, man.

00:17:53.000 These are scary vampires.

00:17:54.000 They don't wait.

00:17:55.000 They do that fucking shit with their blood spraying.

00:17:58.000 Like a wolf would eat your face.

00:18:00.000 You know, a wolf wouldn't eat your face like a panther would eat your face.

00:18:03.000 If you're turning someone into another vampire, can you just drink a little of their blood and stop?

00:18:06.000 Yeah, so you have to drink a little.

00:18:08.000 Supposedly.

00:18:09.000 They all make their own rules now.

00:18:10.000 Vampires can go outside in the day.

00:18:12.000 Oh, yeah.

00:18:13.000 Blade started with that shit.

00:18:14.000 Remember that they put sunscreen on that dude?

00:18:17.000 On Black Blade?

00:18:18.000 Black Blade.

00:18:19.000 They put sunscreen on the other dude.

00:18:21.000 Oh, so he could walk with him.

00:18:22.000 What is the handsome fella?

00:18:24.000 It doesn't work that much anymore.

00:18:26.000 He was in that movie.

00:18:27.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:18:27.000 He was in Two Girls, a Pizza Place, and Two Girls, a Guy, and a Pizza Place.

00:18:31.000 Was he in that one, too?

00:18:31.000 Yeah.

00:18:32.000 Devastatingly.

00:18:33.000 Steven Dorff?

00:18:34.000 Is that him?

00:18:34.000 Yeah.

00:18:34.000 That guy.

00:18:35.000 Oh, that guy.

00:18:35.000 That guy was out.

00:18:37.000 Handsome fellow, Steven Dorff.

00:18:38.000 And he was...

00:18:39.000 He's got a beautiful face.

00:18:41.000 But anyway, all he had to do was put this sunscreen on, and he was okay.

00:18:45.000 He was protected from the fucking sun.

00:18:48.000 Really?

00:18:48.000 That's nonsense!

00:18:49.000 And the vampires couldn't figure that out?

00:18:50.000 Yeah, come on, man.

00:18:51.000 Vampires would go outside and...

00:18:54.000 Ah!

00:18:54.000 Fucking burst into flame.

00:18:56.000 Also, sunscreen lasts like 45 minutes.

00:18:57.000 Yeah, come on, man.

00:18:58.000 You're going to put some fucking sunscreen on and you're not going to burst into flames.

00:19:01.000 You're treating me like I'm an asshole.

00:19:03.000 Do you know the sunscreen companies just revolted against, like, America had to make them put legit stuff on their bottles?

00:19:08.000 Why?

00:19:09.000 What were they doing?

00:19:09.000 Just lying about the SPF? Saying waterproof.

00:19:12.000 SPFs were ranges.

00:19:13.000 Yeah.

00:19:14.000 If it's waterproof, it's paint.

00:19:17.000 It's paint?

00:19:18.000 Yeah, it's paint.

00:19:19.000 You're going to paint your fucking head.

00:19:20.000 But it's like, no, no, it's not waterproof.

00:19:22.000 It'll come off in the water.

00:19:23.000 Putting words like sport on there to make you think, oh, I can just have this on for hours.

00:19:27.000 You're making people get skin cancer.

00:19:29.000 I developed some real problems with sensitive eyes because of sunscreens.

00:19:34.000 Really?

00:19:34.000 Because I had to use sunscreen so much on Fear Factor.

00:19:38.000 When I did Fear Factor...

00:19:39.000 Because you're outside all the time.

00:19:40.000 When I first started doing it, I was like a retard.

00:19:42.000 I didn't wear sunscreen.

00:19:43.000 The first couple of days that I ever worked it, I was just outside just getting cooked.

00:19:48.000 And I got really fucking burnt.

00:19:51.000 So I was like, alright, I gotta wear sunscreen.

00:19:52.000 So I was wearing sunscreen like three and four days a week standing outside while this shit drips in your eyes whenever you get any kind of sweat.

00:20:02.000 Yeah, and it stinks.

00:20:03.000 Yeah.

00:20:03.000 And a lot of times it's a sweaty day.

00:20:06.000 It's really possible for a little bit of the chemical to get moisture and it just drips into the corners of your eyes.

00:20:13.000 Then it would sting like a motherfucker.

00:20:14.000 Sometimes I would go on stage at the store and I forgot that I had sunscreen on my forehead so it would sweat.

00:20:21.000 And then while I was on stage sweating it would drip into my eyes and it would be horrific, man.

00:20:26.000 It would be like my eyes are getting burned.

00:20:28.000 Like I was getting chemical burns in my eyes.

00:20:30.000 And because of that I've had problems like swimming doesn't feel the same way in the ocean anymore.

00:20:35.000 It's much more painful than it used to be.

00:20:38.000 Swimming in the ocean is like, wow, this fucking stings.

00:20:42.000 Where swimming in fresh water is like no problem at all.

00:20:44.000 And that to me, the fact that the salt stings, it's like, man, it feels like there might have been some damage there or something.

00:20:51.000 Also, when you're swimming in and it comes up, then it runs into your face a lot more too, into your eyes.

00:20:55.000 Well, it's just the fact that it gets in your eyes.

00:20:57.000 So what does it do to you now?

00:20:58.000 What are your eyes like?

00:20:59.000 They sting.

00:21:00.000 They sting if I get in the salt water.

00:21:02.000 More so?

00:21:03.000 Yeah, more so than when I was younger.

00:21:05.000 Yeah, I'm pretty sure it has something to do with being burned a few times.

00:21:09.000 At least three times it was really painful where I got really burned.

00:21:13.000 Like legitimately it hurt?

00:21:15.000 Oh yeah, like on stage, it's crying.

00:21:17.000 I'm crying.

00:21:18.000 Yeah, you don't react to pain that well too.

00:21:20.000 My eyes sting.

00:21:20.000 Whoa, my pussy?

00:21:21.000 No, no, the other way.

00:21:22.000 I mean, you don't ever react to me.

00:21:26.000 I was like, what's up, bro?

00:21:27.000 I got so upset.

00:21:29.000 Relax.

00:21:29.000 What's up, bro?

00:21:29.000 Am I a pussy?

00:21:30.000 No.

00:21:31.000 I would expect if you were in high school with me, you would have been one of those kids that came in.

00:21:34.000 Just hand over a flame.

00:21:36.000 No, I never did.

00:21:37.000 I don't want pain.

00:21:39.000 But I've been pretty good at shutting it out.

00:21:43.000 Like getting tattooed, you have to shut it out.

00:21:45.000 Yeah, a little bit.

00:21:46.000 But it's not that hard, man.

00:21:47.000 I almost fainted.

00:21:48.000 Oh my god, really?

00:21:49.000 It didn't even hurt.

00:21:50.000 It just pinchy.

00:21:51.000 I was with Bella.

00:21:52.000 Remember Bella?

00:21:53.000 Bella Julia.

00:21:54.000 Uh-huh, sure.

00:21:55.000 Yeah, we went to get them.

00:21:56.000 And she got one, and I got one.

00:21:58.000 You got a way harder spot than I do.

00:22:00.000 I guess.

00:22:01.000 No way.

00:22:02.000 The sleeve?

00:22:03.000 Yeah, I'm telling you.

00:22:04.000 That side area is brutal.

00:22:07.000 It's just fat.

00:22:07.000 It's one of the most sensitive areas.

00:22:09.000 I don't know why.

00:22:10.000 It's supposed to be super sensitive.

00:22:11.000 Especially, like, the ribs.

00:22:13.000 Apparently, if you get tattooed on the ribs...

00:22:15.000 Because that bone is right underneath.

00:22:17.000 Motherfucker!

00:22:18.000 You feel, like, rattling your rib cage with pain.

00:22:20.000 Just...

00:22:22.000 Really?

00:22:23.000 It's like right over the bone.

00:22:24.000 You're like, oh Jesus!

00:22:26.000 That's how I've heard it described.

00:22:27.000 There's just a few spots when I was getting my left sleeve.

00:22:30.000 My right sleeve is only probably like 60% right now.

00:22:32.000 I've got to go to Aaron Della Vadova at Guru Tattoo in San Diego.

00:22:36.000 Holler at your boy.

00:22:37.000 I want to finish this Musashi one.

00:22:39.000 What's it called?

00:22:40.000 What was it, Monkey?

00:22:42.000 I have a t-shirt from them.

00:22:43.000 Oh, that's right.

00:22:45.000 Honky Kong.

00:22:45.000 That's what it is.

00:22:46.000 Yeah.

00:22:47.000 They have a lot of great artists.

00:22:48.000 San Diego is such a fucking cool town.

00:22:50.000 That's a good place to go and start a cult.

00:22:53.000 Maybe we should start our colony in San Diego.

00:22:55.000 It's not too far from LA. I think that was the first place I got laid on the road.

00:22:59.000 Whoa.

00:22:59.000 Congratulations.

00:22:59.000 I think that might have been that place.

00:23:01.000 Powerful Shafir.

00:23:02.000 Yeah.

00:23:03.000 That's a nice place to get laid.

00:23:04.000 La Jolla?

00:23:05.000 Ooh.

00:23:06.000 Yeah.

00:23:06.000 How beautiful is La Jolla?

00:23:07.000 You had to coach me through it.

00:23:08.000 I didn't know how to read the signs.

00:23:10.000 Yeah.

00:23:11.000 It was me, you, and Ingram or something down there or something.

00:23:14.000 I think Ingram was on.

00:23:16.000 I don't know.

00:23:16.000 It was outside.

00:23:17.000 The show was still going on.

00:23:18.000 Right.

00:23:19.000 Some girl said something to me like, oh, you're really funny and then went outside to smoke.

00:23:22.000 That's when I was still smoking.

00:23:24.000 And you're like, did you go get her number?

00:23:25.000 I was like, no, could I? And you're like, yes.

00:23:27.000 I was like, really?

00:23:28.000 Yeah, you were on the hunt and that girl came up and totally made the first move on you.

00:23:32.000 Yeah, I couldn't read it.

00:23:33.000 Yeah, and you went on stage and you talked about not having a girlfriend.

00:23:36.000 You were like all green lights ahead.

00:23:39.000 You were dirty as fuck.

00:23:40.000 Dirty as fuck.

00:23:41.000 Damn it.

00:23:42.000 But you killed.

00:23:43.000 And that's what's important.

00:23:44.000 You killed.

00:23:45.000 You were the fucking man for whatever it was, 20 minutes.

00:23:48.000 You were the man.

00:23:49.000 She's like, oh my god, I love him.

00:23:51.000 She's thinking about that.

00:23:52.000 You were like, go use your smoking for good for once.

00:23:54.000 Yeah.

00:23:55.000 And go out there.

00:23:56.000 Yeah, go get some, son.

00:23:57.000 I was so nervous, too.

00:23:58.000 I was like, okay.

00:23:59.000 And I went and talked.

00:24:00.000 I was like, you want to hang out?

00:24:05.000 And she was like, yeah, sure.

00:24:07.000 Isn't it weird how you get more comfortable meeting new people?

00:24:10.000 It's any experience.

00:24:11.000 I used to get nervous when I would go to a bank teller.

00:24:14.000 This is, by the way...

00:24:15.000 When you were what, like 17, 18?

00:24:16.000 Oh, yeah, like I was 18, when I already fought in martial arts tournaments.

00:24:21.000 I mean, I got scared of that, too, but I would be tongue-tied and nervous when I was going to talk to the teller.

00:24:27.000 Just a new person.

00:24:28.000 Maybe that.

00:24:29.000 Maybe a person of authority.

00:24:31.000 I just would get weird talking to people.

00:24:34.000 When I went for long periods of time, just training and not talking to people too much, I got real weird social anxiety shit for a while.

00:24:43.000 Really?

00:24:43.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:24:44.000 I got real weird.

00:24:45.000 I can't imagine that.

00:24:46.000 No, for sure.

00:24:47.000 What if somebody introduced you to somebody?

00:24:48.000 Well, I was very...

00:24:50.000 I mean, I was still pretty confident in myself.

00:24:53.000 Yeah.

00:24:53.000 You know, like, unreasonably confident in myself because of my martial arts stuff.

00:24:57.000 But I was still, like, really weird with people socially.

00:25:01.000 Like, I would get nervous talking to them, you know?

00:25:03.000 Anybody.

00:25:04.000 Yeah, I mean, look, I didn't grow up feeling like the most appreciated person, so a lot of times when I was around someone new, I would think they were going to judge me, and oh, how long before this guy starts picking on me?

00:25:18.000 How long before this person starts picking on me?

00:25:20.000 How long before he finds out that I'm supposed to be picked on?

00:25:22.000 That I'm a loser, yeah.

00:25:23.000 And when you feel like that, as a young person growing up, it's super easy to have yourself fall into those situations.

00:25:30.000 So I would get like super...

00:25:32.000 I could imagine it now.

00:25:34.000 Like now when I go to the bank, I look forward to saying hi to the lady.

00:25:38.000 You know, I look forward to going, hello, how you doing?

00:25:40.000 Everything good?

00:25:40.000 What's up?

00:25:41.000 You know, I think that there's like...

00:25:43.000 Did you hear that earthquake yesterday?

00:25:43.000 Yeah.

00:25:43.000 You get into a little discussion with people.

00:25:45.000 I learned that from Diaz.

00:25:45.000 It's nice if you can do that.

00:25:47.000 You know, if you find someone who really will have a nice little, quick little nice conversation with you.

00:25:51.000 And you both feel good.

00:25:52.000 Everybody feels good.

00:25:53.000 Or you can just be that selfish, senseless asshole.

00:25:57.000 Just, can I help you?

00:25:58.000 What do you need?

00:25:59.000 Yeah.

00:25:59.000 Write it down.

00:26:00.000 That's not it.

00:26:01.000 You're a robot.

00:26:02.000 Just interact with people all day.

00:26:04.000 Maybe it would be fun.

00:26:05.000 If Joey Diaz worked at a fucking post office box place, it would be a fun place to go.

00:26:10.000 I'm friends with all the post office people.

00:26:11.000 They told me once how to do it, like separate stuff, and I do it every time.

00:26:13.000 They'll stop and come over like, oh, you got another shipment?

00:26:17.000 You know, Eddie Bravo used to work at UPS. He used to sort boxes.

00:26:22.000 He would stand next to these runways, and the boxes would come at him, and he would grab the boxes and have to chuck them into different places that correspond to different...

00:26:32.000 Like LaVorne and Shirley?

00:26:33.000 Like different area codes, or zip codes, rather.

00:26:35.000 Is it zip codes?

00:26:36.000 No.

00:26:37.000 Yeah.

00:26:37.000 Zip codes is the end of a letter.

00:26:39.000 Yeah, so he had to put them into different places.

00:26:42.000 What did you say?

00:26:42.000 What show?

00:26:43.000 Laverne and Shirley.

00:26:44.000 Did they do that?

00:26:44.000 With the bottles where they had to...

00:26:46.000 Oh, that's right.

00:26:46.000 They had to do that with the brewery.

00:26:48.000 What was it called?

00:26:50.000 It wasn't past, was it?

00:26:51.000 No, no.

00:26:51.000 It was a fake one, right?

00:26:52.000 Schatz?

00:26:53.000 Schatz Brewery?

00:26:54.000 Schlotzky's?

00:26:55.000 No, that's a real one.

00:26:56.000 What the fuck is it, man?

00:26:56.000 I don't know.

00:26:57.000 I don't remember.

00:26:58.000 That was a great show, though, when we were kids.

00:27:01.000 Laverne and Shirley was decent.

00:27:01.000 It was really hard to watch now.

00:27:04.000 Answer me this.

00:27:05.000 What show is good to watch now?

00:27:06.000 Why is it that there were so many good female comedians from that era?

00:27:10.000 Like Carol Burnett and Laverne Shirley.

00:27:15.000 They were like real legit shows that people wanted to watch.

00:27:19.000 Mary Tyler Moore.

00:27:20.000 I think it was maybe because of this.

00:27:22.000 I'm going to offer something that will probably get me in trouble.

00:27:24.000 But I think it's because in those days, Hollywood, the people in charge of choosing, hadn't yet said we've got to find prettier people.

00:27:32.000 The management system hadn't come in and promoted people from within to get like, well, who do you have to choose from now?

00:27:38.000 A bunch of people they've told us these are who you have to choose from.

00:27:40.000 You don't get like the people who are just naturally talented to rise through the ranks anymore.

00:27:44.000 If you look at Saturday Night Live now, most of those people are better looking now than when it started.

00:27:48.000 Right.

00:27:48.000 You know, like everything has sort of changed.

00:27:50.000 And you're going to get prettier people to look at, which is nice, but you're also not going to necessarily get the funniest or most talented, most creative person that way.

00:27:58.000 Right.

00:27:59.000 You know?

00:27:59.000 And also Carol Burnett allowed everybody else to shine.

00:28:02.000 Right.

00:28:02.000 Yes.

00:28:03.000 Yes, and they had a super talented crew.

00:28:05.000 Is that thing falling apart on you, man?

00:28:07.000 You keep fucking with it.

00:28:08.000 I know.

00:28:08.000 I'm trying to get to the right spot.

00:28:09.000 Don't touch it.

00:28:10.000 Don't touch it.

00:28:11.000 Just leave it alone.

00:28:12.000 Yeah, Carol Burnett had a super talented crew.

00:28:15.000 It's just hard for us to recognize now, because if you tried to watch the Carol Burnett show right now, I don't know if you'd really, truly enjoy it.

00:28:21.000 I think I should go watch some of those shows, because some of those, like In Living Color, you can't watch at all now.

00:28:26.000 Certain shows you cannot watch.

00:28:27.000 Lenny Bruce, if that's who you're looking at.

00:28:29.000 Yeah, I was going to point to that Lenny Bruce poster that I have on my wall.

00:28:33.000 Look, I give it up to Lenny Bruce.

00:28:35.000 I think we all have to.

00:28:36.000 That was the originator.

00:28:37.000 That was the first guy.

00:28:38.000 If it wasn't for that guy, it would have taken a lot longer to get to this.

00:28:42.000 For what you and I do, that guy is so super important.

00:28:46.000 But if you try to watch his stuff today, it's odd.

00:28:49.000 It's very strange.

00:28:51.000 There's one where he's on stage for over an hour reading legal documents.

00:28:57.000 Just trying shit?

00:28:58.000 No, just talking about the points of his case.

00:29:01.000 He went crazy because he was getting charged with obscenity.

00:29:04.000 And so he would go on stage and read his fucking case.

00:29:08.000 He was the first one to suffer from that, from thinking how famous he was, he should be talking about it.

00:29:12.000 Oh yeah, he fucking fell apart because of it.

00:29:14.000 And his world was a whole world.

00:29:16.000 The court cases, and then on top of that, the heroin, he was severely depressed, I'm sure, because of a lot of it.

00:29:24.000 All those guys that got arrested for saying things, even the two live crew, we owe them.

00:29:29.000 We owe them.

00:29:30.000 Because if it wasn't for people who broke down the door with obscenity, even though I don't, I mean, put your dips on my dick and sick my asshole too.

00:29:39.000 I mean, look, love it or hate it, it's a form of art.

00:29:44.000 It's a ridiculous form of art.

00:29:46.000 It's like, why should you tell them not to say that?

00:29:49.000 That's what we believe in, that they should be allowed to say that.

00:29:51.000 Who cares what it is?

00:29:51.000 If they like it, what's it to you?

00:29:54.000 As long as they're not playing it in your face, and I don't think you should be playing Beethoven in anybody's face either.

00:30:00.000 At some point, we bat out on the Christians a little too much.

00:30:03.000 A little too much.

00:30:04.000 We're like, hey, how about there's going to be some cursing on television, so just research what you're going to watch and police your kids on your own.

00:30:09.000 Florida's so gangster.

00:30:10.000 We all want this.

00:30:11.000 Florida's got a lot of really strange laws.

00:30:15.000 Some people like them, but some people think that they're really nuts.

00:30:21.000 Florida has a really large community of conservative people.

00:30:25.000 So they have some pretty strict laws when it comes to pornography and things like that.

00:30:29.000 Oh, really?

00:30:29.000 Yeah, so when they have someone, like, say this guy, remember that dude who went to jail for obscenity?

00:30:35.000 Max Hardcore?

00:30:36.000 He does, like, really intense shit.

00:30:39.000 Like, really intense, like, shameful, horrible things to people.

00:30:44.000 Just, like, pissing in her asshole, and then they drink it with a straw.

00:30:47.000 Oh, my.

00:30:48.000 Yeah, like, intense stuff.

00:30:50.000 It's weekend stuff.

00:30:51.000 Intense, intense stuff.

00:30:52.000 Pissing in your mouth while he's got a hard-on somehow or another.

00:30:56.000 And then he forces her head down and he pisses in her mouth some more and she's gagging and throwing up piss.

00:31:01.000 Yeah, so what they did with this guy is they decided to make a case out of him.

00:31:05.000 So they sent his stuff to Florida.

00:31:07.000 Yeah.

00:31:08.000 And then they sent it to some place that has very strict pornography laws.

00:31:12.000 And so that place is like, okay, well now we'll prosecute them based on our perception of what's upsetting.

00:31:18.000 Yeah, different perceptions.

00:31:18.000 Yeah, that's where it gets crazy.

00:31:20.000 And that's Florida.

00:31:21.000 Didn't they run the meth where people just go from spot to spot to spot in Florida?

00:31:25.000 It's not meth, but it's OxyContin's.

00:31:28.000 Yeah.

00:31:29.000 Still do.

00:31:29.000 You can just get a certain amount out of every single city.

00:31:31.000 Yeah, and they're trying to stop or slow the tide on the amount of prescriptions that they give out, but the fact is there's so many people that already have them.

00:31:39.000 There's so many people that are addicted to that stuff, and if they all stop cold turkey, they're all going to die.

00:31:44.000 So you've got to figure out how to get these people off this zombie drug that you guys have been making billions off.

00:31:49.000 Good luck.

00:31:50.000 Good luck, you fucking assholes.

00:31:51.000 You crazy assholes that have made all your money.

00:31:55.000 Enjoy your yacht.

00:31:56.000 You've enslaved a population.

00:31:58.000 You've enslaved a population with vampire dust.

00:32:00.000 You've turned people into zombies.

00:32:02.000 You know what they'll say?

00:32:03.000 What do they say?

00:32:03.000 They'll say, well, I just don't think about it.

00:32:06.000 They're going to stand right beside Mitt Romney and say, we did build it.

00:32:09.000 We did build it.

00:32:11.000 Yeah.

00:32:12.000 Everybody got mad at me because I got mad at Obama for that expression that he used.

00:32:16.000 What expression?

00:32:16.000 Where he said, you didn't build that.

00:32:19.000 You didn't build the infrastructure.

00:32:22.000 He was talking about the reason why we have...

00:32:26.000 Such a great society that people are able to create jobs and start their own businesses is because there's this infrastructure and you need to contribute to that.

00:32:33.000 You didn't build that.

00:32:35.000 You didn't build that infrastructure.

00:32:37.000 Who didn't build it?

00:32:38.000 Mitt Romney.

00:32:39.000 The people that have the businesses.

00:32:40.000 Oh, yeah.

00:32:40.000 He's saying that you didn't build it on your own.

00:32:42.000 Yeah.

00:32:42.000 But, you know, what I got upset about, and me and Brian Callum were talking about it, and I should clarify because enough people tweeted me and commented on the message board.

00:32:51.000 What I don't like about that is because that is a defeatist attitude.

00:32:58.000 You're telling someone something they didn't do.

00:33:02.000 That's not how a leader should be communicating with people in my really unsubstantial and completely irrefutable position.

00:33:13.000 I mean, who am I to tell you?

00:33:15.000 Here's what I think.

00:33:16.000 What do you mean how a leader should act?

00:33:19.000 Those are things and terms that we grew up on, but what do you mean?

00:33:23.000 Why shouldn't he hang out in his underwear and say whatever he wants?

00:33:26.000 I'm not saying that I don't, you know, I have any credibility on this subject, but I think that when you're talking to a group of people, this is just my opinion, can't say that any more times, and if you're the leader of 300 million people and you're talking in negatives, then you're putting out negative.

00:33:42.000 You're putting out negative energy.

00:33:43.000 You're scolding people.

00:33:45.000 You're, in a sense, you're saying that someone's wrong.

00:33:48.000 When you say you didn't build that...

00:33:51.000 He said that about Mitt Romney?

00:33:52.000 No, he said that about people that don't think that they should pay more in taxes, people that don't think they should contribute more, which I, by the way, even though I'm...

00:34:00.000 I have a mixture of ideas that I have about a lot of things that I believe that are very liberal as far as social issues and a lot of things that I believe that are pretty conservative and people would be kind of surprised.

00:34:13.000 Because I just think there's a reality to human nature that a lot of liberal people I think don't want to accept.

00:34:20.000 They want to pretend that people are a little less predictable than they actually are.

00:34:26.000 Yeah.

00:34:28.000 Humans are humans.

00:34:30.000 We act like whatever type of species we are.

00:34:32.000 Until we accept that, all these conversations we have are just flavored by bullshit.

00:34:38.000 That's why political conversations never work.

00:34:40.000 That's why political speeches never work.

00:34:42.000 Because they never see the other side.

00:34:43.000 They never realize that we want different things.

00:34:45.000 When you see a guy like Mitt Romney or a guy like Barack Obama, who's by the way a really good speaker.

00:34:49.000 He's way better than I would be if I had to do that thing.

00:34:51.000 I'd get crazy emotional.

00:34:52.000 I'd probably cry like a bitch.

00:34:54.000 I had the real responsibility of guiding 300 million people.

00:34:58.000 He handles it admirably.

00:35:00.000 I mean, it's amazing.

00:35:00.000 But they all do it in a fake way.

00:35:03.000 They all do what?

00:35:04.000 We are the type of country that prevails.

00:35:09.000 We are not the type of country It's like, come on, man.

00:35:15.000 You're not talking to me as a human being.

00:35:19.000 And these grandiose ways of using tone and separating speech is, to me, it's a lot like stand-up comedy.

00:35:28.000 Pausing for applause.

00:35:29.000 Yeah, when I hear them get applause, it's like you hear them raise their voice at the end.

00:35:34.000 It's not because of the message, it's because of the way you delivered it.

00:35:37.000 Yeah, you use some theatrical type of voice.

00:35:39.000 Bullshit, that's cheap.

00:35:40.000 You see a comic doing that, and you're like, come on.

00:35:42.000 You can't finish your set and go like this.

00:35:43.000 Give it up for me.

00:35:45.000 Some guys do, though.

00:35:46.000 You've seen it.

00:35:47.000 How gross is that?

00:35:48.000 Remember there was one guy that used to come around and would tell the audience that this always gets a standing ovation.

00:35:54.000 This is my last bit.

00:35:55.000 This always gets a standing ovation.

00:35:56.000 And he would go and do his last bit.

00:35:58.000 Just letting him know you should be getting a standing ovation at the end of this.

00:36:00.000 And he would tell people to stand the fuck up.

00:36:02.000 Stand the fuck up.

00:36:03.000 Stand the fuck up.

00:36:05.000 It's supposed to just happen.

00:36:08.000 People are so crazy.

00:36:09.000 They're so greedy.

00:36:11.000 They want it now!

00:36:13.000 It's mine!

00:36:14.000 It's mine!

00:36:14.000 It's my precious!

00:36:16.000 That's why the Golem works so well.

00:36:18.000 Because everyone's like, yeah, I see that.

00:36:19.000 Oh, precious, precious, precious.

00:36:22.000 Mmm.

00:36:24.000 Me wants it.

00:36:25.000 It's become almost a hacky reference in comedy because it works so well.

00:36:29.000 Oh, because it is...

00:36:30.000 It's like, yeah, having that much desire for something, that's the extreme.

00:36:33.000 The creepiest possible aspect of people is when you're running into them in the midst of an addiction.

00:36:38.000 Green monster.

00:36:39.000 Yeah.

00:36:40.000 When you see someone who wants something so bad, something, something, give it to us!

00:36:44.000 Give it to us!

00:36:46.000 You know, that thing where...

00:36:48.000 I've seen it with coke.

00:36:49.000 I've seen it with people that wanted coke.

00:36:52.000 But they just want to get back to where they were in the first 20 minutes of their fucking coke trip.

00:36:56.000 Well, they're not thinking.

00:36:57.000 They just know they want it.

00:36:59.000 But it's weird to see that glassy-eyed lockdown on that chemical.

00:37:06.000 They want that chemical so bad.

00:37:08.000 I was with Tebow yesterday, two days ago, yesterday.

00:37:12.000 I don't care when it happened, man.

00:37:13.000 I saw some guy crossing the street, but he's walking with sweatpants, no t-shirt, and socks on, walking down La Brea, crossing Hollywood Boulevard.

00:37:22.000 On the other side of the street, I was like, Tebow, what drug is that?

00:37:25.000 He goes, I think meth.

00:37:27.000 Looks meth-y to me.

00:37:28.000 Kind of meth-y.

00:37:28.000 Yeah.

00:37:29.000 A little on the meth-y side.

00:37:30.000 Jesus Christ.

00:37:32.000 I was like, he seems calm.

00:37:33.000 He's like, oh no, he's just waiting for something to get in his way.

00:37:34.000 That's why I have no respect for cops that decide, by the way, not are forced to act, but decide it's time to raid medical marijuana dispensaries.

00:37:44.000 Go clean up the meth labs, you fuck.

00:37:47.000 You know where people are actually...

00:37:49.000 Going in and parking their car and paying for it with their credit card.

00:37:52.000 You know what's happening.

00:37:54.000 You know what's worse.

00:37:54.000 You assholes.

00:37:55.000 Whoever it is at the top, I know you're trying to protect your cops, but really, come on, man.

00:38:01.000 You need to get drones.

00:38:02.000 And I usually don't say that, but that's what the cops need, to deal with the meth.

00:38:05.000 Oh, yeah.

00:38:06.000 Just drones.

00:38:07.000 What's going to happen with it?

00:38:08.000 Nothing's going to happen with this.

00:38:09.000 Leave the weed alone.

00:38:09.000 How about weed pays for drones to go after the meth?

00:38:12.000 But the city council stuff for LA, that's not going to pass, right?

00:38:15.000 No, it's not going to pass.

00:38:16.000 The mayor's never going to sign off on it.

00:38:17.000 No, they can go fuck themselves.

00:38:18.000 The idea is ridiculous.

00:38:20.000 You know how much money they would lose?

00:38:21.000 They would lose billions of dollars in revenue and taxes.

00:38:24.000 It's ridiculous.

00:38:25.000 Those companies are just as much of a legitimate business as someone selling cucumbers.

00:38:29.000 But here's the problem, though.

00:38:30.000 Yeah, but I agree with you.

00:38:31.000 But six out of seven city councilmen or whatever said, yeah, let's get rid of it.

00:38:37.000 Yeah, those guys are bitches.

00:38:39.000 Are they in the pocket of people?

00:38:40.000 Is that what it is?

00:38:41.000 Of course they are!

00:38:41.000 Of course!

00:38:43.000 This is a big issue, man.

00:38:45.000 If this could make...

00:38:46.000 Look, imagine you could wipe out, just for a goof, say that you could wipe out all of the medical marijuana dispensers in this state.

00:38:55.000 So the only way a patient could get pot was to illegally grow it.

00:38:59.000 If that was the case...

00:39:01.000 People like grandmas and shit.

00:39:03.000 They would illegally grow it.

00:39:05.000 Or they would just go to the pills.

00:39:07.000 It's very possible you get a lot of people to the pills.

00:39:09.000 Yeah, a lot of people take it for pain relief, man.

00:39:12.000 A lot of people that have had back injuries and some really crazy shit.

00:39:16.000 I will tell you the only story I heard where it's like story evidence, whatever that word is.

00:39:21.000 We were on that Monsters of Comedy tour.

00:39:23.000 That shit he won with Tripoli and all those guys.

00:39:25.000 And this guy, we'll see.

00:39:26.000 He's like an army guy.

00:39:28.000 He's like, I'm not touching that stuff.

00:39:29.000 He got a little annoyed that he smoked around him.

00:39:31.000 Within two weeks, he was like, all right, let me have some.

00:39:33.000 But we always shoved him in the back with a luggage and stuff.

00:39:36.000 And his back was like, fuck, I'm hurt.

00:39:38.000 It hurt, whatever.

00:39:38.000 He said, dude, my back feels good.

00:39:41.000 When he finally started smoking, he was like, I feel better.

00:39:43.000 Well, part of the problem with back pain, and this has been proven, is it's stress-related.

00:39:49.000 That a lot of times when people have, like, really stressful lives...

00:39:53.000 Oh, really?

00:39:53.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:39:54.000 Yeah, there's a guy, I think his name is John Sarno.

00:39:57.000 I think that's his name.

00:39:58.000 He's a doctor from New York, and he's, like, got this idea that...

00:40:04.000 I think his name is Sarno.

00:40:05.000 I should look this up.

00:40:07.000 But that it's psychosomatic.

00:40:09.000 And Eddie Bravo actually found that his back problems are psychosomatic.

00:40:13.000 He could, like, see if he was stressed?

00:40:14.000 Well, he said that he was just so tense in the way he was thinking, and he changed the way he was thinking.

00:40:19.000 And when he changed the way he was thinking, literally his back problems went away.

00:40:22.000 There's an old fable in the Old Testament that somebody, some guy was trying to help a king, he couldn't get his shoe off or something.

00:40:29.000 He had, like, armor on with a shoe, and he couldn't get it off, and the king had to, like, calm him down.

00:40:34.000 Or the Jew had to calm this king down.

00:40:36.000 Hmm.

00:40:37.000 And then once that happened, then his swelling went down on his foot, and he was able to get the shoe off.

00:40:42.000 Huh.

00:40:43.000 Yeah.

00:40:43.000 You fucked that front thing up again, man.

00:40:45.000 Fucked it up good, man.

00:40:45.000 Fucked it up good.

00:40:48.000 It's not your fault.

00:40:49.000 These arms suck.

00:40:50.000 I can't face you and turn...

00:40:51.000 Oh, that's clearly the way to do it.

00:40:53.000 Hmm.

00:40:53.000 But now...

00:40:54.000 So how do I... I'm just missing an angle.

00:40:56.000 Just right there's good.

00:40:57.000 good right there's good can you tighten it up right there so uh that jewish uh horror movie oh yeah the dybbuk box yeah well it's i think it's called the possession oh yeah yeah i said it just came out yeah it was wicked stupid yeah totally unbelievable yeah completely retarded you like dragged me to hell i was like this love dude this love i remember that child in a lot of ways I don't know if you've recognized that.

00:41:22.000 That time we were in San Jose and we were all going to go see a movie because it's so boring there.

00:41:27.000 It's like two blocks, it's okay.

00:41:29.000 Yep, yep.

00:41:29.000 And so we're all going to see a movie and you and Tom was like, let's go see Drag Me to Hell.

00:41:32.000 I was like, barf!

00:41:33.000 Let's go see Up!

00:41:34.000 And you guys were like, barf!

00:41:36.000 Wow, Up!

00:41:36.000 Oh my god, Drag Me to Hell was so much better than Up!

00:41:39.000 Me and Brian cried.

00:41:39.000 I sounded like a 14-year-old right here.

00:41:41.000 Me and Brian cried it up.

00:41:42.000 Did you really?

00:41:43.000 We were bawling.

00:41:44.000 Aww.

00:41:45.000 That's so sweet.

00:41:46.000 Yeah, I don't like getting depressed at the movies.

00:41:48.000 And Up did depress me.

00:41:50.000 When the old guy was in the house by himself, I'm like, I do not want to watch this.

00:41:53.000 That's gross.

00:41:54.000 You're watching someone rot away.

00:41:56.000 The first 15 minutes into that, you're like, that's just a beautiful short.

00:41:59.000 Him with the wife coming up.

00:42:03.000 Depressing as fuck.

00:42:04.000 I like when stuff touches me like that.

00:42:07.000 You don't like it?

00:42:08.000 I used to, and I gave up.

00:42:09.000 I gave up on that feeling.

00:42:12.000 Like, I don't need that.

00:42:13.000 I'm trying to manage as much positive thinking in my life as possible.

00:42:17.000 The last thing I want to do is watch a movie about some guy who's fucking shooting heroin and falling apart, and someone accidentally hits someone with a car because they're driving.

00:42:27.000 I don't want to see that.

00:42:29.000 I don't want to see it.

00:42:30.000 I don't care.

00:42:31.000 I don't need to see reality when I go to the fucking movies.

00:42:34.000 I want the Hulk.

00:42:35.000 Really?

00:42:36.000 Every time?

00:42:37.000 Yeah.

00:42:37.000 I would see...

00:42:38.000 Not even a back and forth?

00:42:40.000 What's that?

00:42:40.000 Not even a back and forth?

00:42:42.000 Fuck about some depressing movie.

00:42:43.000 I'm not going to the movies to get depressed.

00:42:45.000 I don't have time, man.

00:42:47.000 I've got a lot of different interests.

00:42:50.000 I'm really into a lot of different things that I don't get to do a lot, like play pool.

00:42:54.000 The last thing I want to do is take some time away from playing pool...

00:42:58.000 To watch some movie that wants to make me cry like a bitch about some shit that didn't even really happen.

00:43:05.000 I'm crying about some fake shit.

00:43:07.000 And you go to comedy too.

00:43:08.000 You go to Ali G movies and stuff like that.

00:43:10.000 Oh, for sure.

00:43:11.000 Yeah.

00:43:11.000 No, no, I love comedies.

00:43:13.000 Don't get me wrong.

00:43:14.000 Yeah, I wanted to go see the new Will Ferrell, Zach Galifianakis movie, but it was sold out like a motherfucker.

00:43:20.000 Really?

00:43:21.000 Yeah, we were 20 minutes before it, too.

00:43:22.000 I was like, oh shit, I got crazy.

00:43:25.000 I thought I could go see that movie.

00:43:26.000 That movie was going to be like number one.

00:43:27.000 Apparently, it's fucking...

00:43:28.000 When did it come out?

00:43:29.000 It just came out.

00:43:30.000 But I had a bunch of people say that when it went and saw it, it's just so ridiculous.

00:43:35.000 It's like from the moment it starts, it's a fucking crazy giggle fest because they're both so stupid funny.

00:43:42.000 Like Will Ferrell, I've seen him in movies.

00:43:44.000 He's got scenes in Anchorman that are so preposterous.

00:43:49.000 When the girl was starting to become famous and he was upset.

00:43:51.000 Yeah, you remember?

00:43:53.000 I mean, it's like, he's so funny.

00:43:55.000 It's so ridiculous that it's like, alright, it's funny.

00:43:57.000 Every movie that he's in, I've never seen a bad Will Ferrell movie.

00:44:00.000 I've never seen a Will Ferrell movie that didn't make me laugh.

00:44:03.000 Talladega Nights is one of my all-time favorite comedies.

00:44:06.000 I like Talladega Nights.

00:44:06.000 That's a fucking great movie.

00:44:07.000 When that girl stops fucking Will Ferrell because he loses and then starts fucking Philip Seymour Hoffman or whatever the guy's name is.

00:44:13.000 Yeah, Leslie Bibb.

00:44:15.000 Yeah, and everyone's like, wait, you're fucking the other guys.

00:44:16.000 Like, those are my kids now.

00:44:17.000 I appreciate you.

00:44:18.000 She was my...

00:44:19.000 Ex-girlfriend in Zookeeper.

00:44:22.000 Oh, really?

00:44:22.000 Yeah, she was the girl that I was trying to get from Kevin James.

00:44:26.000 Oh, nice.

00:44:27.000 Yeah, she's really nice.

00:44:29.000 She's super cool.

00:44:31.000 You know, you think about hanging with actors, that actors would be real actor-ish.

00:44:36.000 Leslie Bibb is cool as fuck, and she's totally like a guy.

00:44:40.000 Really?

00:44:40.000 Dude, we were on the way to...

00:44:43.000 She's really funny.

00:44:44.000 And she's nice.

00:44:45.000 She's nice to everybody.

00:44:46.000 She's nice to the PAs.

00:44:47.000 She's nice to the makeup ladies.

00:44:49.000 She's just nice.

00:44:50.000 But she's fucking really hilarious.

00:44:52.000 I don't know how much she would ever want anybody to know of this conversation, so I won't tell you anymore.

00:44:59.000 But she was cracking jokes about something, and I was like, I can't believe this is the chick from Talladega Nights.

00:45:04.000 Really?

00:45:04.000 Yeah, it was really funny.

00:45:05.000 She's really funny.

00:45:06.000 Steve Byrne, I've been getting called into audition for that Sullivan& Son a few times.

00:45:10.000 Sullivan and Son?

00:45:11.000 What is that?

00:45:11.000 Steve Byrne's show.

00:45:12.000 It's on TBS. Oh, yeah.

00:45:13.000 TBS has a lot of comedies now, right?

00:45:15.000 Yeah, they're really trying to go hard.

00:45:17.000 That's a recent thing, right?

00:45:18.000 Is that where Louie is?

00:45:20.000 No, he's at FX. FX, yeah, okay.

00:45:22.000 But his is on TBS. But anyway, at some point, I got called on three times for one same show.

00:45:28.000 It's like, Steve, thank you.

00:45:29.000 You clearly said something about me.

00:45:31.000 Yeah.

00:45:31.000 And he's like, I'd so much rather hang out with a comic than an actor.

00:45:35.000 Oh, yeah.

00:45:36.000 Even if it's just one line.

00:45:37.000 I'd rather be around one.

00:45:39.000 Normally I say that, but then I'm saying this Leslie Bibb chick.

00:45:41.000 She's cool.

00:45:42.000 Even though she's not a comic, she is a comic.

00:45:44.000 She might as well be a comic.

00:45:44.000 Yeah, and there's some annoying comics, too, that I wouldn't want to hang out with.

00:45:47.000 Of course!

00:45:48.000 I'm telling you, look, a lot of people that are actors in comedy, like Leslie Bibb, could easily have been a stand-up.

00:45:54.000 Yeah, they're cool enough.

00:45:56.000 Yeah, the same thing that Chelsea Handler can pull off.

00:46:00.000 Leslie Bibb can pull that off, too.

00:46:02.000 Chelsea Handler takes some shit, but I've always thought she was hardcore.

00:46:05.000 She's funny!

00:46:06.000 I thought she was the only girl that was talking about being a whore that was really a whore.

00:46:10.000 She's like, she ain't faking it.

00:46:12.000 She's always been nice to me.

00:46:14.000 Every time I've always seen her, she's always been nice to me.

00:46:16.000 I've never heard anybody say she's an asshole.

00:46:18.000 I don't know what it's like on her set or anything like that, but she's always nice.

00:46:23.000 She used to come into the store, like Jeff Scott used to get mad about it sometimes.

00:46:27.000 I think I wrote a review for her book.

00:46:29.000 I wrote a blur.

00:46:30.000 I remember that.

00:46:30.000 But she would come in, sit in her car, drink from a flask.

00:46:34.000 That go in and open the show and then take off for the night.

00:46:38.000 She was good.

00:46:39.000 I remember watching her in the back of the room going, wow, this chick is fucking...

00:46:43.000 She's hardcore.

00:46:44.000 She's legit hardcore.

00:46:46.000 She was really living it.

00:46:47.000 She was really getting drunk.

00:46:48.000 I'm not pretending I'm a whore for the sake of a joke.

00:46:50.000 She's funny.

00:46:51.000 She's cool.

00:46:52.000 Yeah, I think, you know, it's a way harder road for a chick to make it as a comedian, and even talk about anything, than it is for a dude.

00:47:02.000 Because a dude can get away with having an opinion about things.

00:47:05.000 You know, chicks it's harder to, or they just don't try.

00:47:07.000 Yeah.

00:47:08.000 It's also like you'll listen to a guy on stage with a conservative point of view for a little bit.

00:47:14.000 You know what I mean?

00:47:15.000 You'll listen for a little bit if the guy is a respectable person.

00:47:17.000 Even Christopher Hitchens was pretty conservative when it came to a lot of military issues.

00:47:23.000 Oh yeah.

00:47:23.000 And these are obviously very respected guys.

00:47:24.000 Super liberal atheists at the same time.

00:47:26.000 Yeah.

00:47:27.000 But if you had a woman that was on stage that was trying to get you to laugh and had opinions so completely polar opposite of your opinions as well.

00:47:36.000 You wouldn't be wanting to hear it.

00:47:37.000 You couldn't be talking about sucking dicks.

00:47:40.000 It's hard.

00:47:41.000 It's hard to do for them.

00:47:42.000 No, but like political opinions or fucking social opinions.

00:47:44.000 Shut your mouth, woman.

00:47:46.000 I think none of them just do it right.

00:47:48.000 You don't get to choose.

00:47:49.000 That's how guys think.

00:47:50.000 And I think it's way harder for a chick to have a political point of view.

00:47:53.000 That's why a lot of them become really snappy.

00:47:57.000 Like a dog that's going to yell that too much.

00:47:59.000 In their act.

00:48:00.000 Yeah.

00:48:00.000 They definitely get pushed into being characters more.

00:48:03.000 Yes.

00:48:03.000 Into being character acts.

00:48:04.000 Oh, yeah.

00:48:05.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:48:05.000 I agree with that.

00:48:06.000 Just like Roseanne did.

00:48:07.000 Just like Phyllis Diller did.

00:48:08.000 Just like all these people did.

00:48:09.000 It really hasn't stopped.

00:48:10.000 Roseanne was a monster.

00:48:11.000 Yeah.

00:48:11.000 You remember when Roseanne first came out, man?

00:48:14.000 I remember.

00:48:14.000 She was the first chick.

00:48:15.000 Her voice was too annoying for me at first.

00:48:16.000 Took me a couple years.

00:48:17.000 That I ever saw really kill.

00:48:19.000 Really?

00:48:19.000 She was the first chick I ever saw really kill.

00:48:20.000 You saw her work out?

00:48:21.000 You saw her deuce box?

00:48:22.000 No.

00:48:22.000 No, I don't think I ever saw her live.

00:48:24.000 I might have saw her once at the store live, and I can't remember.

00:48:28.000 But I've seen her specials.

00:48:30.000 I've seen her specials a bunch of times.

00:48:32.000 And I've tweeted back at her.

00:48:34.000 I think she admonished me for making a potty joke.

00:48:36.000 Oh, really?

00:48:37.000 Like a mommy.

00:48:38.000 As a joke?

00:48:39.000 I don't think so.

00:48:40.000 I think she was telling me to concentrate more on important issues.

00:48:43.000 Oh, really?

00:48:43.000 Yeah.

00:48:44.000 She was one of the first women to get her say.

00:48:47.000 She goes, we'll do it my way.

00:48:48.000 That's Roseanne Barr, bitch.

00:48:49.000 Better recognize.

00:48:50.000 She fired every showrunner she had.

00:48:52.000 You're all fired, one at a time.

00:48:54.000 Well, that's a weird thing that happens to people when they become the star of a show.

00:48:59.000 Yeah, it's my show.

00:49:00.000 Yeah, you can't tell Roseanne what to do.

00:49:03.000 And after that second year, it was like she was one of the biggest people in America.

00:49:07.000 She was huge.

00:49:08.000 Remember when she had a three-way marriage?

00:49:10.000 Her and Tom Arnold married Sandra Bernhardt or that other person.

00:49:13.000 Is that true?

00:49:14.000 Something like that.

00:49:15.000 It was like a three-way marriage.

00:49:16.000 Wow.

00:49:17.000 They're like, we're marrying her.

00:49:18.000 Can you imagine being married to another person?

00:49:21.000 Ugh.

00:49:22.000 What a drag.

00:49:23.000 What a crazy drag.

00:49:25.000 How about we all get divorced and just live together?

00:49:27.000 More responsibility.

00:49:27.000 Let's just make up our mind, honey, this marriage is a sham.

00:49:30.000 We're bringing another person in here.

00:49:31.000 Let's just get divorced and hang out together.

00:49:33.000 Can we do that?

00:49:34.000 You can't have a three-way marriage.

00:49:36.000 Why don't I have a ten-way marriage, you dumb fuck?

00:49:38.000 That way when you break up, you can't have any money.

00:49:40.000 How about that?

00:49:40.000 You don't get any of it.

00:49:41.000 All of it goes to other people.

00:49:44.000 They can't live off what you make.

00:49:46.000 You get nothing.

00:49:47.000 Yeah, you can't...

00:49:48.000 Could you imagine if you got divorced from nine people and you had to pay them all?

00:49:51.000 Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

00:49:54.000 Maybe like when you go to Tijuana and those little chick-a-kids come up to you.

00:49:57.000 It'll be like that.

00:49:58.000 With alimony all the time.

00:50:00.000 Yeah.

00:50:01.000 I mean, you've got to think of how stupid it is.

00:50:03.000 Like, I was having a conversation with somebody about the O.J. Simpson case the other day.

00:50:07.000 It came up.

00:50:08.000 They were talking about people getting super crazy because they have to pay so much in divorce.

00:50:14.000 Yeah.

00:50:15.000 And we broke it down.

00:50:16.000 I go, could you imagine if you had explained that to somebody?

00:50:18.000 That if they didn't understand the system.

00:50:21.000 It's like, yeah, well what happens is you sign this paper and then when you're not together anymore, even if they're fucking other people, you have to keep sending them money.

00:50:30.000 For like a long time.

00:50:31.000 For years and years and years.

00:50:32.000 And they, for whatever reason, never have to get their shit together.

00:50:35.000 You never have to.

00:50:35.000 No.

00:50:36.000 And everyone's like, you've got to do what you have to do.

00:50:38.000 You have to support them.

00:50:39.000 Why?

00:50:40.000 Isn't that crazy?

00:50:40.000 You know, I have a friend whose wife, if she got married to the man that she loves, she would lose all of her money.

00:50:47.000 All of her alimony.

00:50:48.000 So she won't marry him.

00:50:50.000 So this guy's like a bum, and they live together, and this guy has to pay them astronomical sums every month.

00:50:56.000 And he'll get a credit order or a court order to prove that she's living with a man.

00:51:03.000 And the guy would just move out for two weeks.

00:51:05.000 The inspector comes, and then he moves back in.

00:51:08.000 Here's the thing.

00:51:09.000 I understand that if you gave up your life and your career to raise a child for someone else, then you're in a worse place.

00:51:14.000 He has no kids.

00:51:16.000 But if you just marry someone, in what world of equality do you think, because you guys decided to break up, that one person should pay the other person?

00:51:24.000 In what equality world?

00:51:26.000 It's if you get married for more than 12 years.

00:51:28.000 Then you're under...

00:51:29.000 No, if you live together with five years in California...

00:51:32.000 No, no, no.

00:51:32.000 That's not what I'm saying.

00:51:33.000 If you're married for more than 12 years and you get divorced...

00:51:37.000 And you grow apart?

00:51:39.000 You have to pay them forever.

00:51:42.000 Because you grew in separate ways.

00:51:44.000 I mean, that is one of the nittiest things.

00:51:46.000 Every girl is not outraged by that.

00:51:47.000 It's a fucking cunt.

00:51:49.000 Every one of you.

00:51:50.000 Whenever you want equality, just know that that's a rule still and go fuck yourself.

00:51:54.000 There's no way that should still be around.

00:51:56.000 Stop and think about it for a second.

00:51:57.000 I got two words for you right now.

00:51:58.000 Tom Arnold.

00:52:00.000 Yeah, that's our payback.

00:52:02.000 It's not just girls.

00:52:03.000 It's not just girls.

00:52:04.000 That's right.

00:52:04.000 Guys have run that hustle, too.

00:52:06.000 And Britney Spears, dude.

00:52:07.000 Oh, that's right.

00:52:07.000 Kevin Federer in the house.

00:52:09.000 He's fat and he drives a Ferrari now.

00:52:10.000 But every guy was excited about that.

00:52:13.000 Black people were excited about OJ getting off.

00:52:15.000 Where we knew this was ridiculous, but finally won for us.

00:52:17.000 You just went deep with that, son.

00:52:19.000 It's a ridiculous law!

00:52:20.000 It's ridiculous!

00:52:21.000 Yeah, it's craziness.

00:52:22.000 It's crazy that you could be separated by years and years and years.

00:52:26.000 And even the same amount of time that you were actually together.

00:52:30.000 Like if you were together for 12 years and separated for 12 years.

00:52:33.000 No, no.

00:52:33.000 In perpetuity.

00:52:34.000 You've got to keep paying.

00:52:36.000 We got married, we're 18, now I'm 30?

00:52:39.000 And I have to pay forever?

00:52:40.000 She can't even find a man.

00:52:41.000 She can't find a man who loves her enough to take her away from the contract.

00:52:44.000 It comes from a time where they're tarnished goods, because they've already been married for so long.

00:52:47.000 Who would want them?

00:52:48.000 Well, it's not even that.

00:52:49.000 What the fuck is that?

00:52:50.000 It's not even that.

00:52:51.000 It's that she can't trust him.

00:52:52.000 What, I'm going to just trust you, I'm going to marry you, and you're going to stick around?

00:52:56.000 If I lose you, I lose all this money.

00:52:58.000 I mean, she gets a substantial...

00:52:59.000 It's so ridiculous!

00:53:02.000 Substantial amount of money every year.

00:53:03.000 It's a payday!

00:53:04.000 What the fuck are you talking about?

00:53:06.000 How much?

00:53:07.000 That comes from a crazy time!

00:53:08.000 How much does she get?

00:53:09.000 Oh, nothing.

00:53:11.000 Just about a million dollars.

00:53:13.000 A year.

00:53:15.000 Remember that Chris Rock bit.

00:53:16.000 It's okay to give him half of your money when you have two million dollars.

00:53:18.000 Try when you have 30,000.

00:53:19.000 Yeah.

00:53:20.000 Try giving up 15,000.

00:53:22.000 Even when you have two million dollars, it's like, it hurts your soul.

00:53:25.000 She didn't earn this.

00:53:26.000 It's so crazy that if you write something down on paper, another person...

00:53:31.000 And you have to keep paying them?

00:53:32.000 You have to keep paying them.

00:53:33.000 Like, why can't you live your life?

00:53:36.000 Like, that seems to be kind of strange.

00:53:38.000 Yeah.

00:53:38.000 That you're requiring me to live your life.

00:53:40.000 Yeah, what kind of fucking weird enabling system do we have here?

00:53:44.000 We're not responsible for yourself.

00:53:47.000 I'm not going to say it.

00:53:48.000 We're training them to be adults.

00:53:49.000 That's what we're training them to be.

00:53:50.000 I can't believe you said that.

00:53:53.000 I stopped myself.

00:53:54.000 I try to grow as a human.

00:53:56.000 I try to grow as a human.

00:53:57.000 But that's what you're training to be.

00:53:59.000 Fucking people unable to take care of themselves in any way.

00:54:02.000 It's ridiculous.

00:54:03.000 It's ridiculous.

00:54:03.000 Well, the whole idea is ridiculous.

00:54:04.000 You can get injured in an accident.

00:54:05.000 Women want to be protected when they're raising children and to be legal.

00:54:10.000 Like some guys are douchebags and they don't want to pay for their kids and they wouldn't want to pay alimony or child support.

00:54:17.000 I'm not saying that.

00:54:18.000 I'm just saying in cases, especially where there's no children, it seems a little weird that you could be separated from someone for, in my friend's case, 10 fucking years!

00:54:29.000 He's paying a substantial amount of money.

00:54:36.000 My friend is a real worker.

00:54:40.000 He works.

00:54:41.000 He's got his own business.

00:54:42.000 He's like, I mean, this motherfucker puts in some hours.

00:54:45.000 I'm telling too much.

00:54:46.000 He's also a wizard.

00:54:47.000 He lives in a cave.

00:54:49.000 And he drives a spaceship.

00:54:50.000 And he's Asian.

00:54:51.000 It's just a sad world when you see people destroyed by a weird, unequal legal system.

00:54:58.000 It's antiquated.

00:54:58.000 What the fuck is that?

00:54:59.000 It doesn't make any sense.

00:55:00.000 How can any?

00:55:00.000 How can anyone defend that kind of behavior?

00:55:02.000 It's just so crazy to think that someone who you don't want in your life anymore is still your financial responsibility.

00:55:09.000 How about the last two years was a living hell?

00:55:11.000 That doesn't buy you anything?

00:55:13.000 Any discounts?

00:55:14.000 We're talking about grown adults, man.

00:55:17.000 You would assume that you've done something with your life that's trade-worthy.

00:55:21.000 We hated each other.

00:55:21.000 We had to sleep next to each other for the last two years.

00:55:23.000 And it doesn't matter.

00:55:24.000 Yeah, no bed together.

00:55:26.000 She might insult you when you're at dinner.

00:55:28.000 I mean, make up your own horrifying scenario that it could have been.

00:55:31.000 And imagine you have to pay that person a million a year.

00:55:34.000 Ha ha!

00:55:36.000 It's craziness.

00:55:37.000 20 bucks.

00:55:38.000 That's what you get.

00:55:38.000 What you get when you get out of prison.

00:55:40.000 The whole idea behind paying people money is fucking crazy.

00:55:44.000 But the whole idea behind charity is beautiful.

00:55:47.000 And when people don't get charity from people, they want to get it from them.

00:55:51.000 You give it to me.

00:55:53.000 And it's a fucking horrible aspect of human nature that people want something that they don't deserve.

00:55:59.000 But we all want it.

00:55:59.000 After we get it for a while, we all want it.

00:56:02.000 Yeah, you all want to slip and fall and sue.

00:56:05.000 But in anything, even when you start getting spots at the comedy store, you start thinking, well, now I get them, I deserve them.

00:56:10.000 Everyone gets like this.

00:56:11.000 Yeah, it's hard to maintain humility and appreciation.

00:56:15.000 Those are two very hard aspects of the human experience to really maintain and hang on to.

00:56:22.000 It's hard to be a nice person.

00:56:23.000 I was talking to this guy in Toronto, this new comic, he was interviewing me for something, some web thing.

00:56:28.000 Powerful Toronto, coming soon, Massey Hall.

00:56:31.000 Are you going to be able to...

00:56:33.000 I'm also doing shows in Toronto, just for laughter.

00:56:36.000 I will probably be by there to hang out, at the very least.

00:56:39.000 At the very least.

00:56:40.000 So, legally, we can't say that R.S.F.E.A. will be performing.

00:56:44.000 But you know it's...

00:56:45.000 How are the sales of that show?

00:56:46.000 Oh, stellar.

00:56:48.000 Yeah, you're going to kill them.

00:56:49.000 It's almost sold out.

00:56:49.000 Really?

00:56:50.000 Yeah, it's almost sold out.

00:56:51.000 Look, Massey Hall is one of the fucking coolest places on earth.

00:56:55.000 Have you ever done it?

00:56:56.000 No.

00:56:57.000 Dude, the fucking Beatles did it and shit.

00:56:59.000 It's one of those places.

00:57:00.000 Oh, it's insanity.

00:57:01.000 I'm scared.

00:57:02.000 I'm scared just thinking about it now.

00:57:03.000 I'm getting tuned up.

00:57:05.000 Yeah, I'm so fired up for that show.

00:57:07.000 I'm fired up for this weekend, too.

00:57:08.000 I'm doing the Lobero Theater in Santa Barbara.

00:57:12.000 Santa Barbara is pretty fucking dope, dude.

00:57:15.000 Santa Barbara.

00:57:15.000 You ever go there?

00:57:16.000 I just went camping halfway there.

00:57:19.000 Dude, I'm telling you, it's so nice to go camping.

00:57:20.000 You gotta do it.

00:57:21.000 You're such a silly bitch.

00:57:22.000 It's so much fun.

00:57:23.000 You see fucking animals.

00:57:23.000 We got attacked by a skunk.

00:57:25.000 Yeah, that's not good.

00:57:26.000 It was so fun.

00:57:26.000 You say it like it's good.

00:57:27.000 It was so fun.

00:57:28.000 Skunks are not good, dude.

00:57:31.000 Only one guy had to walk through it.

00:57:32.000 It was so fun.

00:57:33.000 That's not real camping.

00:57:34.000 That's serial killer bait.

00:57:35.000 And then we went out into the wild.

00:57:37.000 Yeah, but that's no wild.

00:57:38.000 The wild that you can get to your car in LA is not real wild.

00:57:42.000 It's serial killer bait.

00:57:44.000 Where do you want to go?

00:57:44.000 You've got to go to Montana, son.

00:57:45.000 You've got to go somewhere legit.

00:57:47.000 Oh, we can't go there.

00:57:48.000 That's too involved.

00:57:49.000 We want to take mushrooms and drive somewhere.

00:57:51.000 Okay, but I'm telling you that you're just asking to get eaten.

00:57:54.000 That's what you're doing.

00:57:55.000 If you go to one of those creepy semi-wooded areas near cities.

00:57:59.000 There's families there.

00:58:00.000 Like Griffith Park.

00:58:02.000 Griffith Park is a good place to find a half-eaten body.

00:58:06.000 Griffith Park is different.

00:58:07.000 It's a good place to find a pit that people made when they cooked a homeless guy.

00:58:11.000 That's the kind of place where you find some shit like that.

00:58:15.000 It's not like the real woods.

00:58:17.000 It's not like Colorado.

00:58:19.000 It's not like walking through the trails in the Rockies.

00:58:22.000 It's the closest place where I can get away from everyone.

00:58:24.000 Yeah.

00:58:25.000 And that's so much fun sometimes.

00:58:27.000 To get away from everybody.

00:58:28.000 If I had a houseboat, I'd take it out sometimes.

00:58:30.000 Fuck yeah it is, but the problem is the places you're going, anybody you run into you're going to have to kill.

00:58:34.000 You're going to have to kill in a hand-to-hand fight because they're going to be trying to take your life.

00:58:38.000 You're going to have to Call back on those old school 10th Planet Jiu Jitsu skills.

00:58:42.000 Try to remember when my dad taught me about the Israeli army.

00:58:44.000 Yes.

00:58:44.000 What do I remember?

00:58:45.000 Kicking the balls for two people.

00:58:47.000 Dude, I'm so bummed out that you hurt your knees.

00:58:48.000 I really love the fact that you got into Jiu Jitsu.

00:58:51.000 Yeah, it was great.

00:58:51.000 You got proficient in it for a while.

00:58:52.000 I remember seeing you get a few taps.

00:58:54.000 And I was like, holy shit, Ari, what's happening, people?

00:58:57.000 I would tell anyone who's thinking of doing it, it's so invigorating when you get that.

00:59:02.000 It's sort of the same, but way better than it is.

00:59:04.000 Come back, man.

00:59:04.000 Why don't you come back again?

00:59:05.000 Why don't you just lift a little weight for a couple months, build your body up a little bit?

00:59:11.000 I'm about to go back now.

00:59:13.000 I had a pretty significant back injury where I popped it.

00:59:17.000 I miss it sometimes.

00:59:17.000 And then I tried to keep rolling.

00:59:20.000 I tried to just roll light and just use technique and I hurt it really bad.

00:59:24.000 I hurt it bad to the point where I was getting numbness in my hands.

00:59:27.000 Oh really?

00:59:28.000 I've had that.

00:59:28.000 It was intense.

00:59:29.000 Singling?

00:59:30.000 Yeah, it was intense.

00:59:31.000 And then I came back for a little and I got my black belt and then I heard it again.

00:59:34.000 And I was like, motherfucker.

00:59:36.000 I said, alright, I can't just rest this.

00:59:38.000 I gotta make this thing stronger.

00:59:39.000 I should say this because I don't think I got injured in jiu-jitsu.

00:59:41.000 I think I got injured from kettlebells.

00:59:43.000 So I will say to anyone who doesn't, be careful and don't bend past a certain level.

00:59:47.000 Well, honestly, I think before you even do kettlebells, For you, because you had been kind of sedentary, I think it would have been nice.

00:59:55.000 A little bit.

00:59:56.000 Trying to be your friend, brother.

00:59:58.000 You know, I love you.

00:59:59.000 That was growing on me.

01:00:02.000 You could have started off with perhaps like some bodyweight squats and some push-ups and like a real conservative sort of a build-up phase.

01:00:10.000 Because what happened to you has happened to people before.

01:00:13.000 You go too hard and you break.

01:00:15.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:00:16.000 You can fuck yourself up.

01:00:17.000 Kevin Pereira had the exact same problem.

01:00:19.000 Callan told me at some point, he's like, but honestly, dude, you're 36, you're 37. You can't, you can't.

01:00:23.000 That's what's going to happen.

01:00:24.000 That's Callan.

01:00:26.000 That's right before he lifted his shirt and said something about 40-something and then pounded himself.

01:00:30.000 Fox News, messenger of doom.

01:00:32.000 If you were talking about how great your body was, he would have went that way with you.

01:00:35.000 Really?

01:00:35.000 He just loves being a talent.

01:00:37.000 But no, he is right in a lot of ways.

01:00:39.000 I mean, when you're older, for sure, the shit breaks more.

01:00:41.000 Especially if you're thinking the fact that you're 36. And on top of being 36, you're also like...

01:00:47.000 I'm 38 now.

01:00:48.000 You haven't been in the best of shape.

01:00:51.000 Right, right, right.

01:00:51.000 You got to that age, and on top of it, you were not eating well.

01:00:57.000 I just started eating healthy.

01:00:58.000 I'm going to Whole Foods.

01:00:59.000 I went in there once high.

01:01:01.000 Stoned.

01:01:02.000 Drove in there.

01:01:02.000 I was like, let me see.

01:01:03.000 And their salad bar was so fucking good and full of different flavors that I'm like, I can do this.

01:01:07.000 It truly makes a difference to eat healthy.

01:01:08.000 And people don't understand...

01:01:10.000 You don't know what you're depriving yourself out of.

01:01:12.000 It doesn't mean to be a vegetarian either.

01:01:16.000 It means getting a lot of nutrition.

01:01:19.000 It's weird though.

01:01:19.000 I just did it because it tasted okay.

01:01:21.000 But after like a month, like a solid month of doing it all the time, like eight, nine of those a day.

01:01:28.000 Not a day, a week.

01:01:30.000 After that, I could feel better.

01:01:32.000 I would feel more energy and better.

01:01:35.000 Yeah, of course.

01:01:36.000 It's like when you quit smoking, too.

01:01:38.000 I'm sure it must have been the same sort of a thing.

01:01:40.000 Man, I would like to say that.

01:01:41.000 I would like to say that, but it just hasn't.

01:01:43.000 You had a real pullback, huh?

01:01:44.000 It's always pulled you a little bit back.

01:01:46.000 Yeah, I'm better off at now.

01:01:47.000 The pot helps, because I get that feeling of smoking something, which would relieve that little feeling.

01:01:53.000 But for the longest time after that, it always pulled you, right?

01:01:56.000 Oh, yeah.

01:01:57.000 You just always wanted to get one.

01:01:58.000 And then when you see people smoking, you're like, I want to be part of this.

01:02:02.000 I want to be with you guys smoking right now.

01:02:03.000 It's so weird how it's so different for different people.

01:02:06.000 Some people quit smoking, and then they feel like they have so much energy, and they feel so much better, and they feel like they got out from under a rock, like something was weighing them down.

01:02:14.000 And then some people quit, and they never quite get over that pull.

01:02:17.000 They just keep trying.

01:02:18.000 Phew.

01:02:18.000 I had to accept.

01:02:19.000 You know how I say in AA that you're powerless over the drug?

01:02:22.000 Every time I'm like, I'll just have one or two a day, four a week.

01:02:24.000 It's like, no, I don't have power over this.

01:02:27.000 It'll be back at half a pack to a pack every day.

01:02:30.000 That's so scary.

01:02:31.000 It's so scary that they made it that way.

01:02:34.000 Oh, yeah.

01:02:35.000 The addictive stuff isn't what gets you the good feeling.

01:02:37.000 Hey, Mitt Romney, can we talk about this?

01:02:40.000 Hey, Barack Obama, can we talk about this poison that kills a half a million people a year here?

01:02:45.000 It kills like something nutty, like 5 million worldwide die every year from cigarettes.

01:02:50.000 Like, whoa!

01:02:52.000 Could you imagine if you came out with some new shit, like skin cream, and it was killing 5 million people worldwide a year?

01:02:58.000 How long before they would pull that shit off the market?

01:03:00.000 That's a fucking plague.

01:03:02.000 That's a plague.

01:03:02.000 That's a new AIDS. It's an old AIDS. It would be so many more people if we didn't have it, though.

01:03:07.000 Oh, thank God for cigarettes and AIDS. Think about cigarettes and AIDS. It really helps us out getting the freeway.

01:03:13.000 And still, the 405 is jammed.

01:03:15.000 With all these people dropping off from cigarettes.

01:03:17.000 There's something sad to me about an old lady smoking cigarettes.

01:03:20.000 And I know that's stupid and hypocritical.

01:03:22.000 But I want to feel like an old lady should have someone in her life who loves her enough to get her to quit smoking cigarettes.

01:03:27.000 To me, it's like, you did it.

01:03:28.000 You did it?

01:03:29.000 You made it?

01:03:30.000 You're old and you're still smoking?

01:03:31.000 You got through the maze.

01:03:31.000 You got through.

01:03:32.000 It's like she survived the Hunger Games.

01:03:34.000 There's some women that have that brassy, they know you don't want to fuck them, it's done, it's over.

01:03:39.000 They're okay with it.

01:03:40.000 And so they're a different thing.

01:03:42.000 It's not like a woman.

01:03:44.000 They become like this really old thing who can, well, I'll tell you what, when you were my age, sonny.

01:03:48.000 I've been undesirable for 28 years.

01:03:50.000 They get accustomed to it.

01:03:52.000 That must be so sad, though, for a chick.

01:03:54.000 Because really beautiful chicks are super powerful.

01:03:57.000 They have superpowers.

01:03:59.000 They go into a room and everybody loves them.

01:04:02.000 Oh yeah, absolutely.

01:04:03.000 I said this on Twitter, but I realized recently, it's like the only difference between someone who you look at as a crazy person and someone who you look at as cute or quirky is fuckability.

01:04:12.000 That's true.

01:04:13.000 That's the only difference.

01:04:14.000 Oh yeah, for sure.

01:04:15.000 Yeah, you look back and think about some of the girls that you dated.

01:04:18.000 And men too.

01:04:19.000 Flavor Flav was the same behavior then that he is now.

01:04:22.000 But because he was younger and more vibrant, you're like, oh, that guy's just a little weird.

01:04:28.000 Yeah, if you want to fuck them, they become way easier to hang out with when they're completely insane.

01:04:32.000 You justify their behavior, insane or terrible.

01:04:34.000 Well, don't you think at a certain point in your life when you meet a person, they're just your sex dispenser?

01:04:40.000 Yeah.

01:04:40.000 Part of it, you masturbate with them.

01:04:42.000 Yeah, you masturbate with them.

01:04:44.000 There's people that you have legitimate relationships with, but there's some people that you just fucking never click with.

01:04:49.000 Well, they're also sort of both.

01:04:50.000 On any level, they're both.

01:04:51.000 So I've apologized for girlfriends in my mind that have been rude to waitstaff, and later I'm like, yeah, she likes service done right, that's all.

01:04:58.000 But it's like, in your head, you're like, come on.

01:04:59.000 That's an asshole.

01:05:00.000 And you're ignoring it.

01:05:02.000 People, they grow up with that shit.

01:05:04.000 That's the problem.

01:05:05.000 We're so adaptable.

01:05:06.000 You know, if you look at all the different sort of like crazy cultures and what they condone and don't condone all over the world, and if you think about how similar human beings are genetically, like all over the world, the variation is so small, but yet...

01:05:21.000 The behavior patterns are so radically different between what's going on right now in Bahrain and what's going on right now in Beverly Hills.

01:05:32.000 The same era on Earth.

01:05:34.000 The apocalypse is going on in one place.

01:05:36.000 In another place, you're walking down the street in Bel Air and there's manicured lawns and everyone's friendly and it smells great.

01:05:44.000 There's flowers everywhere.

01:05:46.000 Birds are chirping.

01:05:46.000 You get in your convertible, you drive down to Starbucks, you sit there with your feet up on a chair.

01:05:50.000 How can there be war?

01:05:51.000 Everything's so great.

01:05:53.000 I remember it was you, me, Diaz, and I think Duncan might have been with us too.

01:06:00.000 It was one of the days after 9-11, before the plane started flying again.

01:06:04.000 Yeah.

01:06:05.000 And we were all sitting around like outside of a Starbucks or one of those coffee beans or something like that.

01:06:11.000 And we were sitting around just talking about how beautiful it was.

01:06:15.000 Like how could there be a war right now?

01:06:17.000 Where we're sitting right here in Southern California.

01:06:21.000 It's so far removed.

01:06:22.000 It was so far removed.

01:06:22.000 It was so beautiful.

01:06:23.000 There was no planes.

01:06:25.000 There was no planes flying around because it was 9-11.

01:06:27.000 So you never got to hear anything fly overhead.

01:06:30.000 And it was way quieter.

01:06:32.000 It was almost like we went back in time for a couple days.

01:06:35.000 It was weird, man.

01:06:36.000 You don't realize how often you hear fucking planes.

01:06:39.000 Especially if you're anywhere near the airport.

01:06:41.000 Those fucking things are giant engine time.

01:06:42.000 You're ignored after a while.

01:06:44.000 That's why whenever you shoot something, and the sound guy has to be playing, and you're like, what?

01:06:47.000 Oh, I didn't know.

01:06:48.000 Dude, all the time.

01:06:49.000 I'm a wizard of catching that shit.

01:06:50.000 Yeah, because you know it's going to ruin the shot.

01:06:52.000 Yeah, I'll stop people from doing things on Fear Factor.

01:06:54.000 They're like, hold on, hold on, hold on.

01:06:55.000 We got a plane, we got a plane, we got a plane.

01:06:57.000 But yeah, we were sitting around, and I remember we were thinking, like...

01:07:01.000 How could there be a war going on somewhere?

01:07:03.000 How could there be a place of such complete disarray that planes are flying into buildings and thousands of people are dying?

01:07:10.000 When you and me and Diaz are just sitting here high as fuck, drinking coffee and just kicking back, looking at the sun, looking at this perfect weather.

01:07:20.000 We're too connected with the whole world, man.

01:07:22.000 Yeah, sometimes it's like, there should be just village.

01:07:24.000 Like, we're just here now.

01:07:25.000 We shouldn't worry about what's happening over there, or a different planet, or a different, like, whatever.

01:07:28.000 It's like, it's not our star system.

01:07:29.000 We're just having a good time.

01:07:30.000 The problem is, then, other people form gangs, and they take over.

01:07:33.000 And they invade, just like that Mayan movie.

01:07:35.000 It's almost like, you know, when people say this, like Americans, those troops are fighting for our freedom.

01:07:40.000 They're not, but they are.

01:07:41.000 They're not fighting for our freedom.

01:07:42.000 But they are.

01:07:43.000 But they are.

01:07:44.000 Because someone always, throughout history, has become the baddest motherfuckers on the planet.

01:07:49.000 Someone.

01:07:49.000 Whether it was the Greeks or the Romans or the United States of America.

01:07:53.000 Somebody had to dictate what the fuck happens.

01:07:56.000 No one ever done it as well as the U.S. has done it.

01:07:59.000 But we've always had to do it.

01:08:01.000 There's been a guy in charge.

01:08:01.000 And so the argument is...

01:08:03.000 Look, if anybody's going to do it, it should be us.

01:08:05.000 Because let me tell you something, as far as the rest of the world goes, we're about as nice as you can get.

01:08:11.000 As far as how we treat our own, this is about as nice as we can get.

01:08:14.000 I know.

01:08:15.000 With this kind of power.

01:08:16.000 But then you think, we're the only ones that ever dropped the bomb.

01:08:19.000 We're the only ones that ever did that.

01:08:20.000 We don't trust anybody else with it.

01:08:22.000 The only person who has a loss on that is us.

01:08:24.000 And we have two.

01:08:25.000 We're 0-2.

01:08:26.000 What's fucked up is that we dropped two bombs.

01:08:28.000 We dropped the bomb, and then we're like, I quit!

01:08:31.000 I quit!

01:08:32.000 I can't hear you!

01:08:35.000 It was like those hack MCs that open up comedy clubs.

01:08:38.000 Y'all ready for Ari Shaffir?

01:08:40.000 I can't hear you!

01:08:44.000 Here's my new joke.

01:08:44.000 Are y'all ready for Ari Shafir?

01:08:46.000 Here's my new joke.

01:08:47.000 Tell me what you think of this.

01:08:48.000 Okay.

01:08:48.000 I'll just do it now.

01:08:49.000 I don't care.

01:08:50.000 Hey, you guys like impressions?

01:08:51.000 And you don't have everybody claps.

01:08:52.000 I'm going to go, no you don't.

01:08:53.000 No you don't.

01:08:54.000 Why'd you clap at that?

01:08:55.000 You know you don't want them.

01:08:56.000 You don't like them.

01:08:57.000 It's a good joke.

01:08:58.000 You're telling people what they like.

01:08:58.000 I love it.

01:09:00.000 Nobody likes impressions.

01:09:01.000 I do.

01:09:01.000 Everyone claps.

01:09:02.000 I'm like, alright.

01:09:03.000 Ari, you like different things than other people.

01:09:05.000 There's a man named Rich Little.

01:09:06.000 He made his whole career out of making impressions of other people.

01:09:08.000 In fucking 1830. How about Danny Gans?

01:09:10.000 Danny Gans, before he died, of pills, by the way.

01:09:12.000 No, of stress, for having to do impressions all day long, every day.

01:09:15.000 That ate away at his inside.

01:09:17.000 What are you saying?

01:09:18.000 Of pills, whatever it was.

01:09:19.000 Why was he taking the pills for?

01:09:20.000 Because he was in an awesome mood all the time.

01:09:22.000 Sweet, sweet art.

01:09:23.000 Like we said, Ari, you can get addicted to those terrible little pills.

01:09:26.000 Tice used to do a great bit about Danny Gans.

01:09:28.000 Did he?

01:09:29.000 Oh!

01:09:29.000 Fucking Danny Gans!

01:09:31.000 Only in Vegas.

01:09:32.000 As soon as he steps on the bus to leave Vegas.

01:09:34.000 When it leaves city limits.

01:09:35.000 Like Danny Gans is taking the bus away from Vegas.

01:09:36.000 As soon as everybody goes back there and spits in his face.

01:09:39.000 Isn't that funny?

01:09:40.000 Fuck you, Gans.

01:09:41.000 You have to be, like, people have to, like, qualify his success.

01:09:45.000 Yeah.

01:09:45.000 Well, it's Vegas.

01:09:46.000 Yeah.

01:09:46.000 Only in Vegas.

01:09:47.000 He's massive.

01:09:47.000 He makes millions a year.

01:09:48.000 Well, Rita Rudner, too.

01:09:49.000 She was one that was kind of struggling a little bit on the road.

01:09:52.000 Like, there was a bunch of...

01:09:54.000 Yeah, go to Vegas.

01:09:54.000 Margaret Smith was in that category of women.

01:09:56.000 It was, like, really funny women stand-up comics.

01:09:58.000 But at a certain point in time, you stopped hearing about them.

01:10:00.000 You know, Margaret Smith was hilarious.

01:10:02.000 And they went to Vegas.

01:10:03.000 Yeah.

01:10:03.000 She was in the Kinison era.

01:10:04.000 She didn't, but Rudner was from her era.

01:10:06.000 And Rudner carved out a huge career for herself in Vegas.

01:10:10.000 Every time I'm there, I see posters and billboards and shit.

01:10:13.000 She's always a popular act in Vegas.

01:10:16.000 Yeah, but also people can look forward to seeing her again.

01:10:19.000 That's why the comedy scene is shit in Vegas.

01:10:22.000 Because there's so many great shows at all times.

01:10:25.000 Why don't we go see a local guy?

01:10:26.000 We're seeing legends.

01:10:27.000 There's ten legends playing at any point right here.

01:10:29.000 What am I going to go see...

01:10:31.000 Yeah, you can go see Bill Cosby.

01:10:33.000 And if you're locals, you can get two for wands or comps.

01:10:35.000 Yeah, you can see Bill Cosby.

01:10:36.000 You can see Joe Rogan.

01:10:37.000 You can see fucking Seinfeld.

01:10:39.000 Damn, you just put me in with Seinfeld and Bill Cosby?

01:10:42.000 Holla.

01:10:42.000 You can see a lot of good comedy, man.

01:10:46.000 We were so looking forward to doing that show.

01:10:48.000 I took off weeks for that.

01:10:50.000 I took off weeks for that.

01:10:51.000 So sad.

01:10:52.000 I'm so excited.

01:10:53.000 We wound up bringing it to the Ice House.

01:10:56.000 Can I make an announcement?

01:10:57.000 Yeah, fuck yeah, bitch.

01:10:58.000 My CD is coming out.

01:11:00.000 Duh!

01:11:03.000 What's it called?

01:11:04.000 Revenge for the Holocaust.

01:11:05.000 Whoa, I like it.

01:11:06.000 Thank you.

01:11:07.000 That's a good name, dude.

01:11:08.000 Thank you.

01:11:08.000 That's beautiful.

01:11:09.000 Is it going to be on iTunes as well?

01:11:10.000 It's going to be on iTunes September 25th.

01:11:12.000 It goes on sale probably this weekend.

01:11:15.000 Dude, we're going to blow that fucking thing up.

01:11:18.000 It goes on sale today, like online.

01:11:20.000 You can buy it.

01:11:20.000 And then iTunes, when?

01:11:22.000 When's the iTunes?

01:11:22.000 No, no, no.

01:11:22.000 It's going up to iTunes today.

01:11:25.000 It'll probably be up there Friday.

01:11:26.000 Oh, okay.

01:11:26.000 Available for pre-sale.

01:11:27.000 But September 25th is the official first...

01:11:30.000 For sale.

01:11:31.000 But, here's what I'm doing.

01:11:32.000 But you can buy pre-sale.

01:11:33.000 What does that mean?

01:11:34.000 Start buying it, and then it comes out on the 25th.

01:11:36.000 Just give me it.

01:11:37.000 Yeah, I know.

01:11:37.000 I'll just give it to you.

01:11:39.000 Give it to me?

01:11:39.000 Yeah.

01:11:40.000 You were really happy with this one, too.

01:11:42.000 I'm really happy with it.

01:11:43.000 I'm really excited.

01:11:44.000 And the cover, my friend did the cover, and I fucking love it.

01:11:46.000 Oh, that's dope.

01:11:48.000 I like that.

01:11:51.000 Oh, I like that.

01:11:53.000 He's an evil Jew spider.

01:11:55.000 Yeah, going after a Hitler spy.

01:11:57.000 That's beautiful, dude.

01:11:58.000 But yeah, if you go to my website, I'm giving away four tracks.

01:12:01.000 That might be one of my favorite CD covers of all time.

01:12:03.000 It's pretty sweet, right?

01:12:03.000 I'm really happy with it.

01:12:04.000 I was really thinking, if I was just a non-comedian, like a kid who really was into comedy like I was at one point in time, if I ever found this in the CD aisle, like at the record store, I'd be like, oh, fuck yeah.

01:12:18.000 I got Ari Shaffir's new shit, Revenge for the Holocaust.

01:12:21.000 I would buy that just out of general principle.

01:12:23.000 Just out of like, hmm.

01:12:24.000 Yeah, if I knew that that was a stand-up comic, I had an uncle that used to do that, my uncle Vinny.

01:12:29.000 He's from the era of records, but he would take me to the record store and he goes, I would just sometimes buy...

01:12:34.000 Look through the album art?

01:12:35.000 Yeah, he'll buy a record just based on its album art.

01:12:38.000 I've done that before, too, and made horrendous mistakes.

01:12:41.000 Especially when it comes to fantasy art.

01:12:45.000 Swords and shit.

01:12:46.000 Iron Maiden stuff is so sweet, but their music is like...

01:12:48.000 I like Iron Maiden.

01:12:50.000 It's okay.

01:12:50.000 I can get into some Iron Maiden.

01:12:51.000 It ain't as cool as the art.

01:12:53.000 The what?

01:12:54.000 It ain't as cool as their artwork.

01:12:55.000 Their artwork is really badass.

01:12:55.000 Same as Grateful Dead.

01:12:56.000 It's like, their artwork is way better than Def Leppard.

01:12:59.000 Iron Maiden is that monster, right?

01:13:01.000 Yeah.

01:13:01.000 Eddie?

01:13:01.000 Coming bat out of hell.

01:13:02.000 Yeah.

01:13:03.000 Yeah.

01:13:03.000 Bat out of hell.

01:13:04.000 And you know what they do?

01:13:05.000 That I've never seen...

01:13:06.000 This is what they do.

01:13:06.000 They have a few tour shirts for the year.

01:13:07.000 They will never reproduce that art.

01:13:10.000 They're done selling that shirt forever after that.

01:13:12.000 We have a North American tour and it's done.

01:13:15.000 That doesn't make sense to me.

01:13:16.000 Keep selling.

01:13:16.000 People want to buy it.

01:13:17.000 Every year a new shirt.

01:13:18.000 And so now you have a 2010 shirt.

01:13:20.000 Someone else has a 2007 shirt.

01:13:21.000 You're all at fucking the same festival.

01:13:23.000 I get it.

01:13:23.000 But what if the 2007 shirt is awesome and I want to buy one?

01:13:26.000 I want to be able to buy the old shirts.

01:13:29.000 I feel like you should just keep selling them.

01:13:31.000 I feel like that too, but I like something about we were there and you had to be there to get it.

01:13:34.000 You know what I don't like about it?

01:13:35.000 You artificially control the supply.

01:13:37.000 You decide, we're only going to release 250 people.

01:13:40.000 Why?

01:13:41.000 If a thousand people want them, sell a thousand, you crazy fuck.

01:13:43.000 Why are you creating a mad clown?

01:13:45.000 Yeah, only get it live.

01:13:46.000 What about the people who can't see you live?

01:13:47.000 What if a million people want to buy your crazy fucking hat?

01:13:49.000 You're only going to sell 10 hats?

01:13:51.000 This is a limited edition run of 10 hats.

01:13:53.000 Sell all the hats!

01:13:55.000 Anyway, I'm giving away four tracks for free if you go to my website.

01:13:59.000 Beautiful.

01:13:59.000 AriTheGreat.com or AriShaffir.com.

01:14:01.000 Just go there.

01:14:02.000 I'm honestly really happy with it and I think if you listen to it, you'll be a fan.

01:14:06.000 So four tracks absolutely for free.

01:14:07.000 Get the fuck out of here.

01:14:07.000 Why are you pumping your own shit up like that?

01:14:09.000 I do like it.

01:14:10.000 I like it.

01:14:10.000 Let me do it for you.

01:14:11.000 Okay, help me out.

01:14:12.000 Ari Shaffir.

01:14:12.000 I've known Ari Shaffir for a long fucking time.

01:14:16.000 I made rookie mistakes.

01:14:32.000 Yeah, but you made some fucking great moments, too.

01:14:35.000 Rookie mistakes are fine.

01:14:37.000 The real problem is the lack of the great moments in with the rookie mistakes.

01:14:42.000 You would have hilarious bits, and then you would clunk one in there.

01:14:46.000 But everybody does that.

01:14:48.000 You just were trying to find the footing.

01:14:51.000 Trying to be too...

01:14:52.000 Too out there, too little, whatever it is.

01:14:54.000 Yeah, we feel yourself pushing a bit too hard.

01:14:57.000 But I've watched you transform into a real, legit headliner.

01:15:00.000 It's been fucking cool, especially over the last couple of years because of doing a lot of podcasts and doing a lot of internet-related stuff.

01:15:09.000 You got, especially, you got really famous for the racist stuff, the amazing racist stuff.

01:15:16.000 And then from that to seeing your stand-up, you put out...

01:15:21.000 No one ever came to see me from that, though.

01:15:24.000 Here or there.

01:15:25.000 But it's all podcast stuff now, right?

01:15:26.000 It's all people coming to see you from the podcast.

01:15:28.000 And then remembering that other stuff.

01:15:30.000 And saying, I also liked you when you did that stuff.

01:15:32.000 And it's people that have come to Vegas when we performed.

01:15:34.000 I've seen you perform before, too.

01:15:35.000 That's the best one.

01:15:36.000 You and I have done thousands of shows.

01:15:40.000 If you stop and think about all the fucking shows that we did, and all the different places, and all the different Friday nights where we did two shows, and Saturday nights where we did two shows, then we did a show on Sunday, and sometimes we did Thursday, too.

01:15:52.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:15:52.000 We did a lot.

01:15:53.000 We started at four-day weeks.

01:15:54.000 Yeah.

01:15:55.000 We went to three and two.

01:15:56.000 Yeah, we got too crazy.

01:15:58.000 That's not a comfortable way to do the road.

01:16:00.000 When you're doing the road that's four and five days out at a time, it's like, get me fucking home.

01:16:04.000 This is gross.

01:16:06.000 You've got to manage the uncomfort with the, like, what are you getting out of it?

01:16:10.000 I've had to do that, but then the problem is this.

01:16:12.000 It's like, I told you, I'll have like three weeks, and I'll have like a week off, then I'll have another three weeks.

01:16:15.000 I'm like, I need that week off.

01:16:16.000 But then DC Improv calls, and you're like, fuck, I gotta go there.

01:16:19.000 The crazy thing is even the week off, it's like, why not go on stage?

01:16:23.000 Well, that's what I would do at home.

01:16:24.000 Go to the comedy store and do it there.

01:16:25.000 We have the greatest job in the history of the world, and it's not an easy job.

01:16:29.000 It's hard to figure out how to get really good at it, but once you get good at it, then it becomes easy, and it's the most rewarding shit of all time.

01:16:36.000 We did the Ice House this past weekend.

01:16:38.000 We did two shows there, and it was Fucking sensational.

01:16:42.000 Fucking sensational.

01:16:43.000 Friday and Saturday.

01:16:44.000 Friday is always a little weird because people are tired.

01:16:47.000 And we do a late show.

01:16:48.000 It's like a 10.30 show on Friday.

01:16:49.000 So it doesn't really start until 11. And people have been working all day.

01:16:53.000 And then they start drinking.

01:16:54.000 It's hard to keep...

01:16:55.000 Friday at late is usually the worst show of the week.

01:16:57.000 It was still great.

01:16:58.000 Saturday was off the fucking chain.

01:17:00.000 Saturday was amazing.

01:17:02.000 Bob Fisher came on stage and brought up a bottle of champagne.

01:17:08.000 He's a sweetheart.

01:17:09.000 That's a long way from having to hide the fact that you're drinking on stage at the Tempe Impro.

01:17:13.000 I have to put it in a flask and say it's apple juice.

01:17:15.000 Isn't that the most ridiculous shit of all time?

01:17:18.000 Isn't that the most ridiculous shit literally of all time?

01:17:21.000 We've done some great shows.

01:17:22.000 We've had some great times.

01:17:23.000 We literally did that.

01:17:25.000 We brought a flask on stage.

01:17:27.000 You wouldn't let us drink?

01:17:28.000 They said it was a state law or something?

01:17:30.000 They made up a law.

01:17:31.000 Because Christians own the place.

01:17:32.000 They made up a law.

01:17:33.000 It's so stupid.

01:17:34.000 And I had to say it to the owner.

01:17:35.000 I said, listen, man.

01:17:36.000 I go, this place is filled with people that want to see us get crazy.

01:17:40.000 Okay?

01:17:40.000 We want to get crazy.

01:17:41.000 They wouldn't let us drink.

01:17:42.000 Yeah.

01:17:43.000 I go, I want to do a couple shots.

01:17:45.000 Yeah.

01:17:45.000 Like, come on, man.

01:17:45.000 I'm here to start a party.

01:17:46.000 I'm here to do a stand-up comedy show.

01:17:48.000 I like to have fun.

01:17:49.000 Let's have some fun.

01:17:50.000 I know what I'm doing, okay?

01:17:52.000 I'm not a child.

01:17:53.000 And they wouldn't serve it to the green room.

01:17:54.000 And then Red Band got a great idea.

01:17:56.000 And Rogan fucking funded it.

01:17:59.000 We got whiskey in a flask.

01:18:01.000 Oh no, we got about a bunch of bottles.

01:18:02.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:18:03.000 We put it in that back corner.

01:18:04.000 We got fucked up, man.

01:18:05.000 And then we just kept saying, can I have some more Coca-Cola?

01:18:07.000 Yeah, we just got blasted on Coca-Cola.

01:18:10.000 With mixers.

01:18:10.000 They couldn't figure out what was going on.

01:18:12.000 We were tipping the weights to have 100 bucks for Coca-Colas.

01:18:15.000 Yeah, but then somebody ratted you out.

01:18:17.000 Well, yeah, it was one of the waitresses.

01:18:18.000 One of the waitresses was, she was a familiar to the Demon King.

01:18:24.000 Tell me, what have they done down at the club?

01:18:27.000 This one wears alcohol on stage.

01:18:30.000 Nonsense!

01:18:31.000 He is not allowed!

01:18:33.000 Cannot be true!

01:18:35.000 Remember what he said to me?

01:18:36.000 He drinks alcohol on stage.

01:18:37.000 Remember when we got there?

01:18:38.000 A heretic.

01:18:39.000 We got there, and we were in the parking lot.

01:18:41.000 Joey Diaz is already inside.

01:18:42.000 Oh, yeah.

01:18:42.000 He gets mad at you.

01:18:43.000 Yeah, we're in the parking lot a couple minutes early.

01:18:44.000 We're like, let's smoke a joint.

01:18:45.000 Yeah.

01:18:46.000 Then we'll go in.

01:18:46.000 Yeah.

01:18:47.000 Diaz, start the show.

01:18:47.000 We'll be in in a couple minutes.

01:18:48.000 Dude's 15. The music wasn't even on.

01:18:50.000 I called, like, Dan wants to talk to you.

01:18:51.000 I was like, what?

01:18:52.000 Why?

01:18:52.000 He goes, what the fuck?

01:18:53.000 We had to delay the show for 30 minutes because of you.

01:18:55.000 People are standing in the rain.

01:18:56.000 I'm like, don't.

01:18:57.000 What minutes?

01:18:58.000 What are you talking about?

01:18:59.000 He would just make shit up.

01:19:00.000 It was the first time I ever talked back to a club owner.

01:19:02.000 He goes, well, you're not going on this show.

01:19:04.000 And I'm like, I am damn well going on this show.

01:19:06.000 This is the only reason I'm here.

01:19:08.000 I don't give a fuck about the money.

01:19:09.000 I'm going on this show.

01:19:10.000 You almost got that loud.

01:19:12.000 I didn't get that loud.

01:19:13.000 I said, Dan, I'm going on.

01:19:14.000 And then I got super worried.

01:19:15.000 You got really heartbeady.

01:19:17.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:19:18.000 Dan, I'm going on.

01:19:19.000 And then I go, dude, you're going on.

01:19:21.000 Stop it.

01:19:21.000 That helps a lot.

01:19:22.000 Fuck out of here.

01:19:23.000 I was so nervous.

01:19:24.000 Well, at a certain point in time, what we would do the way we do...

01:19:27.000 I mean, the improvs are like some of the most professionally run clubs in the country.

01:19:30.000 But at a certain point in time, we would take over the room.

01:19:32.000 That's what we do for the night.

01:19:33.000 Well, we took over the room.

01:19:35.000 A lot of clubs you go to, even when Callan goes on the road, Callan doesn't do it the same way we do it.

01:19:39.000 What Callan does is he goes there and they have an opening act and a middle act that they book.

01:19:43.000 And he just shows up, he's the headliner.

01:19:45.000 That way he doesn't have to pay as much for people's airfare and all the other shit that I pay for.

01:19:49.000 But for me, I'm like, what are you doing?

01:19:52.000 You don't take over the room that way.

01:19:54.000 Then you have to deal with...

01:19:57.000 Yeah, then you're just a part of an act and you're a part of a comedy club experience.

01:20:00.000 Yeah, it's way more whole fucking night that way.

01:20:03.000 Yeah.

01:20:03.000 So what we would do is say, listen, we're going to provide the opening act, we're going to provide the middle act, and it's not up to them to say yes or no.

01:20:10.000 It's like, I've got a long, long, long reputation of bringing funny people on the road with me.

01:20:15.000 I always bring headliners on the road with me, so you know it's going to be a top-level act.

01:20:20.000 So don't worry about that.

01:20:21.000 And if it's a matter of whether or not you think my audience can't handle it, well, that's not your...

01:20:26.000 It's not up to you to decide.

01:20:28.000 Because you brought the whole audience.

01:20:29.000 Yeah, I brought the whole crowd.

01:20:30.000 That's the difference.

01:20:30.000 Usually they're dealing with people who, you might bring 20% of the audience, 10%, but I'm sure the rest of these people are happy.

01:20:35.000 So he tried to get crazy, but I was like, no, he can't get crazy.

01:20:39.000 We bought the room.

01:20:40.000 We essentially have a contract.

01:20:42.000 You can't just break the contract because you decide that a guy's late.

01:20:46.000 That's crazy.

01:20:46.000 He's really working for me.

01:20:48.000 I'm a private contractor.

01:20:49.000 I'm a subcontractor to this contract.

01:20:52.000 Don't make me fucking smack you, bitch.

01:20:54.000 Sit the fuck down, crazy asshole.

01:20:56.000 He was just a dude who liked to party.

01:20:58.000 And he would come to work the next day with a headache.

01:21:01.000 And he'd get just fucking grumpy as shit.

01:21:03.000 When I meet a dude like that, honestly, I mean, I love Danny Murr.

01:21:07.000 And I'm not talking about him in particular, because I really never had a problem with that dude.

01:21:11.000 He and I never had a problem.

01:21:13.000 He was upset at me once because I came into town to do a theater and I didn't do his club.

01:21:18.000 But the only reason why I did it is because this radio station promoted it.

01:21:21.000 To me, it was like this radio station had played my Voodoo Panani song.

01:21:26.000 It became the number one song in Phoenix.

01:21:27.000 Only in Phoenix.

01:21:28.000 They wanted you to do a thing.

01:21:29.000 Yeah, so they wanted me to come in and do a show for them.

01:21:31.000 Now, I couldn't say no.

01:21:32.000 It was like 1999. I couldn't say no.

01:21:36.000 It's like nobody ever offered to put me in a theater before.

01:21:39.000 Like, holy shit, this radio station's going to take a gamble.

01:21:40.000 Yeah, you're like, dude, no offense to the other club.

01:21:42.000 I'm sorry.

01:21:43.000 It's not against you.

01:21:44.000 Yeah, come on.

01:21:44.000 Just got to set an offer for something.

01:21:45.000 Dude, you know, recognize.

01:21:47.000 But when I see a dude who gets snippy and snappy like that, I get sad.

01:21:52.000 Because I know that that's just a person whose chemical system is just completely out of fucking whack.

01:21:56.000 Project.

01:21:57.000 Yeah, he's just not healthy.

01:21:58.000 How the fuck could we...

01:21:59.000 There's no way that guy's healthy.

01:22:01.000 That guy's a mess.

01:22:02.000 His whole system...

01:22:03.000 He was always tired.

01:22:06.000 When you see people and you know their shit's not flowing well, you just really...

01:22:10.000 Don't you see that now when you're eating healthy?

01:22:13.000 You feel how much different your body feels?

01:22:15.000 And of course, it would react the opposite way when you eat the opposite.

01:22:18.000 Coming on the road with you, probably that...

01:22:21.000 The comedy store and maybe my upbringing were probably the biggest influences on my stand-up.

01:22:26.000 Those three things.

01:22:28.000 Because seeing those big crowds and then being able to temper it with fucking shitty eight-person rooms at the store...

01:22:33.000 Well, something happened along the way within the last few years where people started recognizing you.

01:22:40.000 And they knew to expect you.

01:22:42.000 Whereas I used to bring you up and the real meatheads would be like, Where's Rogan?

01:22:48.000 Where's Rogan?

01:22:49.000 Bring Rogan up!

01:22:51.000 The real douchey dudes that I really got rid of almost all of them now.

01:22:55.000 But then a couple times, you'd find it just here a little by little.

01:22:58.000 A couple people were like, Ari, you going up tonight?

01:22:59.000 I was like, really?

01:23:01.000 You know me ahead of time?

01:23:02.000 Yeah, and I would see it on the forums and shit.

01:23:03.000 I hope Ari comes with him.

01:23:05.000 And then somewhere along the line, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ari Shaffir.

01:23:09.000 Yeah!

01:23:10.000 Yeah, they're all excited for it.

01:23:11.000 That's weird lately, man.

01:23:12.000 The Diaz ones that I've been recording.

01:23:15.000 Oh my gosh.

01:23:15.000 It's like everywhere they're trying to top themselves.

01:23:17.000 Yeah.

01:23:18.000 Because now it's become like some sort of a crazy competition.

01:23:20.000 Because in Denver they went fucking berserk.

01:23:23.000 They went berserk.

01:23:24.000 Winnipeg in 2010 was the first time I saw that on a large scale level.

01:23:28.000 Because I don't think you've ever played Winnipeg.

01:23:29.000 I've never been back.

01:23:30.000 It was my favorite show of 2010. It was crazy.

01:23:32.000 It was fun, man.

01:23:34.000 That was the only place I could do like that back then.

01:23:36.000 It was a two or three level place.

01:23:38.000 And they went so crazy while I was on.

01:23:40.000 Right when I walked on, as you were saying introduction notes, they'd start clapping.

01:23:45.000 Yeah.

01:23:46.000 Because they'd know who it is.

01:23:46.000 They'd say credits.

01:23:48.000 Yeah, I was, for whatever reason, man, my comedy took off in Canada before it ever did in America.

01:23:54.000 Like, I would do way better in theaters in Canada.

01:23:57.000 Remember when we would do, like, Calgary?

01:23:59.000 Yeah.

01:23:59.000 We'd have to do two shows.

01:24:00.000 Well, I did two shows recently.

01:24:02.000 Two shows at that fucking Jack Singer concert hall?

01:24:04.000 Yeah.

01:24:04.000 And we did a show where they sold out like an extra, I don't know how many seats, but they had to bring them on stage.

01:24:09.000 So we had people on the stage with us.

01:24:11.000 On the stage with us, yeah.

01:24:11.000 But it was like, they gave us the option of that or those people get refunded and they have to go home.

01:24:17.000 I was like, fuck that, man.

01:24:17.000 I was like, yeah, we can't let them go out.

01:24:19.000 I'm like, this is going to be a cool story.

01:24:20.000 Because these people had like babysitters and shit.

01:24:22.000 I mean, who knows what kind of...

01:24:23.000 They thought they could take the rafters out and they could sit behind us, but then they couldn't do that.

01:24:26.000 They couldn't do that.

01:24:26.000 It was at least 80 people.

01:24:28.000 It was a lot of people.

01:24:29.000 The stage was humongous.

01:24:29.000 We didn't need it all.

01:24:30.000 Yeah, it was fine.

01:24:30.000 If we don't need it all, then we're like, give some to them.

01:24:32.000 And it became fodder.

01:24:33.000 It became kind of funny.

01:24:35.000 You're standing next to someone who's in a chair who's just watching you.

01:24:38.000 You're trying to act out a hump out.

01:24:40.000 You're in some old lady's face.

01:24:41.000 You're like, so sorry about this, ma'am.

01:24:43.000 I've got to do this here.

01:24:44.000 You're looking at their drink going, that's delicious.

01:24:45.000 What is that?

01:24:46.000 That looks awesome.

01:24:47.000 Is that salted?

01:24:48.000 Oh, nice.

01:24:48.000 I did Doug Benson's interruption yesterday.

01:24:50.000 Did you like that?

01:24:51.000 No, not the interruption.

01:24:52.000 Doug loves movies.

01:24:53.000 And some guy in the front row was bringing out those purple, the grape twizzlers.

01:24:56.000 And I was like, oh.

01:24:57.000 And he gave me the sign of like, do you want one?

01:24:59.000 And I nodded.

01:25:00.000 And he threw one up to me.

01:25:01.000 It was awesome.

01:25:02.000 That's awesome.

01:25:03.000 Yeah, it was delicious.

01:25:05.000 It's one grape swizzler.

01:25:07.000 You can interact with people.

01:25:08.000 A solid piece of candy.

01:25:09.000 Yeah.

01:25:10.000 It's a good invention.

01:25:11.000 It doesn't taste anything like grape.

01:25:12.000 We were talking about this the other day.

01:25:13.000 Oh, no.

01:25:14.000 It tastes like purple.

01:25:14.000 We did that podcast.

01:25:16.000 We've accepted a fake grape taste for grape soda, grape gum.

01:25:21.000 It doesn't taste anything like a real grape.

01:25:22.000 But when you eat it, you go, oh, that's grape.

01:25:24.000 You accept it as being a fake grape.

01:25:28.000 You know, like cherry soda.

01:25:29.000 Yeah.

01:25:30.000 Unless you're getting some, like, legit deli cherry soda.

01:25:33.000 That's maraschino cherry juice.

01:25:34.000 That's what that is.

01:25:35.000 It's like candy cherry.

01:25:36.000 Yeah, it's not really cherries.

01:25:37.000 Yeah.

01:25:38.000 Cherry soda's pretty fucking good, though, isn't it?

01:25:40.000 Cherry Coke?

01:25:40.000 It's pretty rare.

01:25:42.000 You know, if you're really looking to wreck your fucking immune system, and you're eating, like, a pastrami sandwich with, you know, fucking Thousand Island dressing slopping off the sides of it, and you have a cherry Coke, oh, yeah.

01:25:52.000 It's delicious.

01:25:53.000 Give me craziness!

01:25:55.000 I want more sugar!

01:25:56.000 I love it too when they're like, well we don't have the grenadine, can we pour the juice in?

01:25:58.000 I was like, yeah, pour the juice in.

01:26:00.000 Oh my god, you go that deep?

01:26:01.000 Yeah.

01:26:02.000 One time at Denny's we were all eating there and I asked her for cherry, like put the cherry juice in.

01:26:06.000 She didn't know and she poured the thing out but it was all the peanuts had like leaked over in their sundae area.

01:26:12.000 And so there's pieces of peanuts floating in it and I was like, what is peanuts doing in here?

01:26:16.000 And then I realized what it was.

01:26:18.000 So she just poured the whole sundae area thing over to get the cherry juice out.

01:26:21.000 Wow.

01:26:22.000 Yeah.

01:26:23.000 Yeah, that's a little too much sugar for your system, son.

01:26:25.000 Not my system.

01:26:26.000 It's like...

01:26:27.000 Yeah.

01:26:29.000 It's so bad for you to drink that much sugar.

01:26:32.000 To eat that much sugar.

01:26:33.000 Yeah.

01:26:34.000 I keep reading shit about sugar, how bad it is.

01:26:36.000 I gotta try to wean off it.

01:26:37.000 Why does it taste so goddamn good, though?

01:26:39.000 Because when I haven't had it in a while, because I eat so much of it, when I haven't had it in a while, I get low blood sugar, because I'm used to it now.

01:26:45.000 You know what, dude?

01:26:45.000 You know what you can't fuck with?

01:26:47.000 Haagen-Dazs chocolate ice cream.

01:26:49.000 It's delicious.

01:26:49.000 Holy shit, it's good.

01:26:50.000 If you invest in a quality ice cream bar or chocolate bar sometimes, when you're like, let me just get Nestle's.

01:26:56.000 That's okay, but let me go above and beyond.

01:26:58.000 You're like, oh, this has done better.

01:27:00.000 No wonder it's a dollar extra.

01:27:02.000 Dark chocolate bar.

01:27:04.000 It's dark chocolate on the outside with chocolate on the inside.

01:27:07.000 You ever go to a real Häagen-Dazs place where they dip in the chocolate and let it melt right on there for you?

01:27:10.000 Fuck yes, son.

01:27:12.000 Those are awesome.

01:27:13.000 Yeah, and you don't know, by the way, none of you know what ice cream tastes like unless you smoke pot.

01:27:18.000 You think!

01:27:20.000 You think!

01:27:22.000 You think you know what a sundae tastes like?

01:27:25.000 Bitch, you're living in a dream.

01:27:27.000 You're sucking a dick through a roll of toilet paper.

01:27:32.000 You're not feeling it.

01:27:33.000 You're not feeling it.

01:27:34.000 You're not getting the full experience.

01:27:37.000 There is no better part of my depression than when I was taking some medication to let me have hyperphagia where I would never feel full.

01:27:43.000 I would get stoned and not feel full and just for an hour just eat syrup and whipped cream and just mow.

01:27:51.000 More and more.

01:27:52.000 Did you hit the wall?

01:27:53.000 It was so good.

01:27:54.000 I had to tell myself you're done.

01:27:55.000 But what did you feel like?

01:27:56.000 Did you feel exhausted from all the sugar?

01:27:59.000 No.

01:28:00.000 You would just get a little more weight down.

01:28:03.000 Dude, I would eat until there's nothing left to eat.

01:28:06.000 It was so good.

01:28:07.000 When you get high, you can finish off anything.

01:28:10.000 Wow, dude.

01:28:11.000 That seems, like, dangerous.

01:28:13.000 Oh, yeah.

01:28:13.000 To get so you can't get full...

01:28:14.000 Can't your stomach explode?

01:28:16.000 Can't you, like, eat too much and your stomach explodes?

01:28:17.000 They warn you.

01:28:18.000 I have to be like, okay, eight plates of spaghetti, probably that's enough, right?

01:28:21.000 Can it break?

01:28:22.000 I mean, your stomach can break, right?

01:28:23.000 I don't know.

01:28:24.000 Do those eater guys, those professional eaters...

01:28:25.000 You probably barf.

01:28:27.000 You throw up.

01:28:28.000 I guess.

01:28:28.000 It's like drinking a gallon of milk.

01:28:30.000 You can't do it because your body would make you throw it up.

01:28:32.000 Is that true?

01:28:32.000 That's the rumor.

01:28:33.000 Really?

01:28:34.000 Well, I guess there's not enough room.

01:28:35.000 Yeah, and you would want to drink...

01:28:36.000 Imagine if you could drink a gallon of milk, what your fucking stomach would look like.

01:28:40.000 It's really crazy.

01:28:41.000 Yeah.

01:28:42.000 I bet Joey Diaz could drink a gallon of milk.

01:28:44.000 We had, and me and David Taylor's talk show, we had Mark Hatch was going to come in and try.

01:28:47.000 Joey Diaz is a big guy.

01:28:49.000 I'd be willing to let him try.

01:28:50.000 He's not going to do it.

01:28:51.000 You don't think he could do it?

01:28:52.000 He doesn't want to be the human, like...

01:28:54.000 No, he wouldn't do it.

01:28:55.000 He wouldn't do it.

01:28:56.000 But if he wanted to do it, he could do it.

01:28:58.000 I think he couldn't.

01:28:59.000 You don't think he could do it?

01:29:00.000 No.

01:29:00.000 So it's a physiological thing.

01:29:02.000 No one can do it.

01:29:02.000 It's like you can't eat a piece of white bread or two pieces of white bread in a minute.

01:29:05.000 What about like a Tim Sylvia?

01:29:06.000 Like a giant dude?

01:29:07.000 I say no.

01:29:08.000 You don't think he can do it?

01:29:09.000 I even say Big Ben.

01:29:11.000 Big Ben Rothwell?

01:29:12.000 Yeah.

01:29:12.000 Really?

01:29:13.000 Yeah.

01:29:13.000 He couldn't drink it down in the middle.

01:29:14.000 Oh no, Nelson?

01:29:14.000 Who's the guy with the big fat stomach?

01:29:15.000 Roy Nelson?

01:29:15.000 Yeah.

01:29:16.000 You don't think he can drink it down in the middle?

01:29:17.000 I bet next time we see Roy Nelson, let's try to ask him.

01:29:19.000 Well, he'd be fighting, I guess.

01:29:20.000 Yeah, you can't ask him in the middle of that.

01:29:22.000 Or later.

01:29:23.000 You can't say, hey, this is a good fight.

01:29:24.000 Hey, can you drink it down in the middle?

01:29:26.000 Can you drink it down in the middle?

01:29:27.000 Just totally blow off the fact that I just fought to the death against Shane Carwin.

01:29:32.000 Now that you're not training anymore, can we interest you in filming you drinking?

01:29:36.000 If Nelson is out there, please film that.

01:29:38.000 Hey, good fight.

01:29:39.000 Listen, man, I have a podcast, and we're regularly number 40 on iTunes, and I'd be willing to actually put this online if you would drink a gallon of milk.

01:29:50.000 Do you think you can drink a gallon of milk?

01:29:54.000 I say can't do it.

01:29:55.000 Film the whole thing and watch them start barfing.

01:29:57.000 Well, I don't know, man.

01:29:59.000 You and I should be the ones to talk about that, actually, because we were there for the Opie and Anthony Big Bird Challenge.

01:30:04.000 How much do you think that guy drank?

01:30:05.000 Because he was in like the 70 shots.

01:30:07.000 A double shot.

01:30:08.000 Just one double shot every minute.

01:30:11.000 What's a double shot?

01:30:12.000 I don't know.

01:30:12.000 What is a double shot?

01:30:13.000 Is it that big?

01:30:14.000 How many ounces is that?

01:30:15.000 I don't know.

01:30:15.000 We'd have to find out the exact amounts.

01:30:16.000 He drank 70-something shots of eggnog.

01:30:20.000 I think that's a gallon, dude.

01:30:22.000 Maybe.

01:30:23.000 Why do you think that?

01:30:24.000 Just because?

01:30:24.000 I don't know.

01:30:25.000 I'm totally making it up.

01:30:26.000 It's not like 60 times 2. I'm completely making it up.

01:30:28.000 I don't have a fucking clue.

01:30:31.000 I would just think that if I bought a gallon of eggnog and I poured 70 people drinks from it, I would be shocked.

01:30:37.000 You'd be out of it.

01:30:38.000 I would be shocked at the economy of this gallon.

01:30:40.000 Yeah, you're right.

01:30:42.000 Yeah, he did it.

01:30:43.000 He did it.

01:30:44.000 He drank more than a gallon.

01:30:46.000 Pat from Woonaki.

01:30:47.000 Pat from Woonaki.

01:30:48.000 Because if you watch the video of Pat from Woonaki hurling...

01:30:52.000 I'm not going to play anything for you, but you were there live with me.

01:30:55.000 I was there live.

01:30:56.000 We were there in the studio.

01:30:57.000 So was Burr, so was Norton, so was Opie and Anthony.

01:31:00.000 Was Redman there too?

01:31:01.000 Redman was not there.

01:31:02.000 He was not there.

01:31:02.000 Holy shit, was it crazy.

01:31:04.000 Oh my...

01:31:04.000 And the smell!

01:31:06.000 And E-Rock was there.

01:31:07.000 They had a kid named Pat Duffy.

01:31:08.000 This is what happened, folks.

01:31:09.000 They had this nutty...

01:31:12.000 Eggnog drinking contest.

01:31:13.000 And Pat Fumunaki, who's a giant of a man.

01:31:15.000 He's an enormous, enormous fellow.

01:31:18.000 Another giant of a man.

01:31:19.000 Huge, enormous guy, this Pat Fumunaki.

01:31:21.000 And he's the current champ.

01:31:23.000 So he is keeping his fucking crown, okay?

01:31:25.000 By the way, he's diabetic.

01:31:26.000 so he has to immediately oh he's so crazy Oh, by the way.

01:31:37.000 By the way, that's why Opie Anthony is the most awesomest radio show in the history of radio.

01:31:43.000 I mean, that's just, who the fuck else would do that?

01:31:45.000 Well, Stern would do that, too.

01:31:47.000 So anyway, they have this fucking guy, Pat Fumunaki, who's, you know, he can only keep it in his system for a certain amount of time.

01:31:53.000 Otherwise, he has to get rid of it.

01:31:55.000 He's got to get rid of it because he could die literally from sugar overload.

01:31:59.000 And he has to go shoot himself in the stomach.

01:32:00.000 Yeah, he has to give himself a shot of insulin.

01:32:02.000 So there's a massive amount of shit going on here.

01:32:05.000 But he's still playing.

01:32:05.000 He didn't let that stop him.

01:32:06.000 He's still winning.

01:32:07.000 He's still a warrior.

01:32:08.000 So he says, I'm going to blow soon.

01:32:12.000 I'm going to blow soon.

01:32:13.000 And then somehow or another, I get this crazy idea where I say...

01:32:19.000 How about somebody leans over the garbage can and opens their mouth and he throws up in your mouth?

01:32:25.000 Directly into your mouth.

01:32:26.000 And I'm thinking, there's no way anybody...

01:32:29.000 I'm saying something ridiculous.

01:32:31.000 I'm saying something like when Red Band's on the podcast and he says, why don't you just eat your own poop?

01:32:35.000 He doesn't really mean...

01:32:36.000 He's trying to say something completely ridiculous for funny.

01:32:39.000 Okay, that's what I was trying to do.

01:32:41.000 I was thinking, just for a joke, why don't I say...

01:32:45.000 You say something as a joke, but they take you completely seriously.

01:32:48.000 Well, this Pat Duffy motherfucker said, I'm game.

01:32:51.000 This guy would do anything.

01:32:52.000 It silenced the room.

01:32:53.000 He would catch a bullet with his dick.

01:32:55.000 That's what I remember.

01:32:56.000 But him saying, I game, was like a...

01:32:57.000 We were like, what?

01:32:58.000 And then someone said...

01:32:59.000 I don't remember if they said what was happening.

01:33:01.000 Who named it the baby bird?

01:33:02.000 Somebody else.

01:33:03.000 Was it Norton?

01:33:04.000 It might have been Vinnie Brand.

01:33:05.000 It might have been Vinnie Brand.

01:33:06.000 Someone else was there.

01:33:07.000 Some other person was there.

01:33:08.000 And Bird was there.

01:33:09.000 Yeah.

01:33:10.000 Bird came in just because he watched it the year before.

01:33:13.000 And he said, I want to be a part of that one this year.

01:33:15.000 Those guys are so, like, no one will understand.

01:33:17.000 If you've ever done, like, a radio show that's been, like, rigid and stiff and the people are nuts, you'll never understand ONA. I bought a Baby Bird t-shirt.

01:33:27.000 I said, fuck it, one of the only shirts I'll buy.

01:33:29.000 Why not, man?

01:33:30.000 Here's another thing that happened on ONA. We convinced stalker Patty, who's this crazy lady who comes to the studio, who's like a 49-year-old virgin.

01:33:37.000 She's really nuts, too.

01:33:38.000 We convinced her that she was on drugs.

01:33:41.000 We took a...

01:33:42.000 Are you going to take a leak?

01:33:43.000 We don't.

01:33:44.000 We convinced her that she had taken a drug, that we had put a drug...

01:33:49.000 No, thanks, man.

01:33:50.000 I'm good.

01:33:50.000 And completely psychosomatic.

01:33:53.000 Started having massive hallucinations.

01:33:55.000 So Ari pulls his ball sack out.

01:33:59.000 Your cock and balls or just your balls?

01:34:00.000 Cock and balls.

01:34:01.000 Cock and balls.

01:34:02.000 Could be bomb.

01:34:03.000 She was sitting there.

01:34:05.000 We had her completely convinced with sound effects and shit that she was just tripping her balls off.

01:34:10.000 They had somebody put a rabbit suit on, run around the room once, and then run out.

01:34:15.000 Who was that?

01:34:16.000 I don't remember.

01:34:17.000 That was either Roland or E-Rock.

01:34:19.000 That was one of those two guys.

01:34:20.000 It might have been E-Rock.

01:34:21.000 It was good fun with a crazy person, but what you did to take it to the next level, so you pulled your cock and balls out, which you probably could never do now, because you did this before they got kicked off the air for that Condoleezza Rice thing.

01:34:32.000 Remember that homeless guy?

01:34:33.000 Oh yeah, that would be too rapey for them now.

01:34:34.000 Yeah, that homeless guy said a lot of crazy shit, like he wanted to rape Condoleezza Rice.

01:34:38.000 He didn't even say that.

01:34:40.000 What did he say?

01:34:41.000 He said he wants to love her hard.

01:34:43.000 He wants to love her until she loves it.

01:34:45.000 Oh, really?

01:34:45.000 Yeah.

01:34:46.000 It was innuendo for rape, possibly.

01:34:49.000 I hear girls like that.

01:34:52.000 They like it if they love it.

01:34:53.000 I hear it too when they say, I love when you do that.

01:34:56.000 They like that.

01:34:57.000 But that's not rape.

01:34:59.000 Yeah.

01:35:00.000 Is that what he said?

01:35:01.000 For real?

01:35:01.000 Something like that.

01:35:01.000 Yeah, it was just taken out of context.

01:35:03.000 I thought he said something way more fucked up than that.

01:35:05.000 I remember it being pretty racy.

01:35:07.000 And the queen too.

01:35:07.000 He was going to hold her down and make her love him.

01:35:09.000 The Queen.

01:35:10.000 The Queen of England.

01:35:11.000 That's a homeless guy.

01:35:12.000 He's a homeless guy.

01:35:12.000 Who cares what he says?

01:35:13.000 Yeah, I just think that's pretty funny.

01:35:16.000 Why would they suspend the show for that?

01:35:18.000 That's so silly.

01:35:18.000 Yeah, but you gave me a look.

01:35:19.000 I was sitting at the couch, and you gave me a look, and it was like, oh, am I welcome to do things here?

01:35:26.000 And those guys, Open Anthony, were so cool that I was like, because I knew I was only there hanging out with you, but I was like, I think they're okay if I play here.

01:35:34.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:35:34.000 And they totally were.

01:35:36.000 Oh, yeah.

01:35:36.000 Well, they're all about...

01:35:37.000 There's never like a level.

01:35:38.000 You're not...

01:35:39.000 That's a good point.

01:35:39.000 They never do that shit.

01:35:40.000 Yeah, that's a real good point.

01:35:42.000 Like, oh, you're a comic?

01:35:43.000 You're a friend of his?

01:35:43.000 Cool.

01:35:44.000 How are you?

01:35:44.000 Yeah.

01:35:45.000 And well, that's how some of their best guests come about.

01:35:47.000 And then they've made some of their best guests famous.

01:35:49.000 You know, when I first started going to New York, I couldn't get on their show, man.

01:35:54.000 Really?

01:35:54.000 I was in Jersey.

01:35:55.000 Yeah, I wasn't known enough.

01:35:57.000 Oh, they already had a show back then.

01:35:58.000 Yeah, they were doing the Afternoons.

01:36:00.000 Oh, really?

01:36:01.000 I would do Rascals, Rascals Comedy in Jersey.

01:36:05.000 I forget where it was.

01:36:06.000 Orange?

01:36:06.000 West Orange?

01:36:07.000 Yeah, West Orange.

01:36:09.000 Really nice club, but it's hard to get people to come in back then, because I was a nobody.

01:36:14.000 I was headlining, but I was on Hardball.

01:36:17.000 Nobody knew who the fuck I was.

01:36:18.000 So I would do a show, and it would be half-empty.

01:36:21.000 But if you got on Opie and Anthony, you'd pack that place.

01:36:23.000 They would always talk about Jay Moore.

01:36:25.000 Jay Moore did Opie and Anthony.

01:36:26.000 And it would just pack the fucking cloth.

01:36:28.000 Pack it.

01:36:29.000 So you just wanted in.

01:36:30.000 Yeah, I was like, well, if I could get there, God.

01:36:32.000 But I couldn't get on.

01:36:33.000 I didn't have enough clout.

01:36:35.000 So once I started doing it, it was like, ah, it was so fun.

01:36:38.000 They're nuts, man.

01:36:39.000 They've done some nutty fucking stunts.

01:36:41.000 But this guy leaned over a trash can and tilted his head back like he was getting his hair shampooed at a barber.

01:36:47.000 Pat from Munaki, all 300-plus pounds of him, this enormous man who has drank, I believe it was 74 shots.

01:36:55.000 And I'm being conservative.

01:36:57.000 He beat the last guy, then drank a couple more while the other guy got ready.

01:37:00.000 Oh, he kept going.

01:37:00.000 He beat his own record.

01:37:01.000 And he was like, yeah, that's what he did.

01:37:02.000 He went to beat his record, and then he goes, all right, it's time.

01:37:04.000 And then he's like, all right, that's about it.

01:37:06.000 That's all I got.

01:37:07.000 And so this guy actually did what I suggested, this Pat Duffy guy, did Lean Over the Barrel.

01:37:12.000 Because that was a height of fear factor.

01:37:14.000 So it was like a perfect fear factor thing.

01:37:16.000 Exactly.

01:37:17.000 And Pat from Wunaki did what can only be described as a comic book throw-up in this guy's mouth.

01:37:24.000 Like, nowhere in the world has anyone thrown up on a person the way he did it.

01:37:30.000 There's no way it's been done.

01:37:31.000 There's a still picture, and it looks like he is enveloping, like a spider, breaking down with its fluids.

01:37:36.000 I should also say that Pat from Wunaki also was a competitive eater.

01:37:40.000 Oh, was he really?

01:37:41.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:37:41.000 He didn't just win this eggnog challenge.

01:37:45.000 He's done...

01:37:46.000 One stop in the career.

01:37:47.000 The great career of one stop.

01:37:48.000 He's had a career in competitive eating where he's been fairly successful.

01:37:52.000 He's an extraordinary man when it comes to volume.

01:37:55.000 So he's got this...

01:37:56.000 Killing it.

01:37:57.000 Fucking...

01:37:58.000 This broken fire hydrant spew...

01:38:02.000 Coming out of his mouth where we're going, NO! We're screaming!

01:38:08.000 And it lasts.

01:38:10.000 It lasts way more than should be real.

01:38:13.000 It seems like it's photoshopped.

01:38:15.000 If we weren't there, and if it wasn't from a bunch of different angles and shitty cell phone footage, I think our version is up.

01:38:21.000 One of us had a cell phone that was recording it, but it's so crazy.

01:38:25.000 It's so crazy.

01:38:26.000 The volume is so insane.

01:38:29.000 It's so cartoonish.

01:38:31.000 It's so comic bookish.

01:38:32.000 It's just...

01:38:33.000 It's the Exorcist.

01:38:35.000 I mean, it's insane.

01:38:36.000 And then after we left, and there's barf everywhere, we were out of the studio ten minutes later, and we're like, Hey, Ron and Fez, enjoy this smell.

01:38:42.000 Yeah, no shit.

01:38:43.000 We just left it to them.

01:38:44.000 Yeah, and these giant, like, big garbage pails filled with throw-up.

01:38:49.000 And there's plastic all over the floor.

01:38:51.000 Stunk!

01:38:52.000 The air conditioner would come on, and the waft would hit you.

01:38:55.000 It was chaos.

01:38:57.000 It was pre-merger.

01:38:58.000 They had a lot more freedom back then.

01:39:01.000 And that was the regular radio version, right?

01:39:05.000 Yes, yes.

01:39:05.000 That was FM. That was K-Rock in New York.

01:39:09.000 God, that was awesome.

01:39:10.000 That was so much fun.

01:39:12.000 And then the rest of the day, we were in bliss.

01:39:14.000 We got to see something fucked up.

01:39:16.000 Yay!

01:39:17.000 We saw something fucked up!

01:39:19.000 It's the equivalent of when a girl blows you in the morning and the rest of the day you just feel good.

01:39:28.000 That's pretty hot.

01:39:29.000 It is.

01:39:30.000 It's close to it.

01:39:31.000 Yeah, we had achieved this moment of like, especially as comedians.

01:39:36.000 Yeah, comedians want to see fucked up things.

01:39:39.000 We want to see things that are ridiculous.

01:39:40.000 Because right after that we had that whole thing with Jamie Masada from The Laugh Factory, who just, by the way, Dom, I did his podcast over there, and he goes, while Jamie's there, he goes, Jamie, how come you don't put Ari on?

01:39:54.000 He's got a following.

01:39:54.000 I put them on.

01:39:55.000 I'm like, Jamie, it's cool if you don't.

01:39:56.000 But no, you know you don't.

01:39:58.000 I'm never here.

01:39:59.000 Wow.

01:39:59.000 That's hilarious.

01:40:00.000 Yeah, but he's like, okay, I'll put you on.

01:40:02.000 Now he's actively trying to get me in there.

01:40:04.000 That's beautiful.

01:40:05.000 Dom is completely in our side.

01:40:07.000 It's really nice of him to do that.

01:40:08.000 Dom's a good guy, man.

01:40:09.000 Yeah.

01:40:10.000 Dom quits drinking.

01:40:12.000 He quit drinking recently.

01:40:14.000 He's experienced this rejuvenation in the way he feels and about stand-up comedy.

01:40:19.000 Really?

01:40:19.000 Yeah, and doing the podcast a few times.

01:40:21.000 Stand-up is a lot of people coming out to see him from the podcast.

01:40:25.000 They come up to him afterwards.

01:40:26.000 That's right.

01:40:27.000 Yeah, the quitting the drinking thing is fucking giants, man.

01:40:31.000 Oh, yeah, you have mine.

01:40:32.000 He's a great guy.

01:40:33.000 He's an interesting dude, too.

01:40:34.000 And Donna Rare is like the most honest, don't give a fuck guy left on earth.

01:40:40.000 His famous line that I always quote is, I wish I was gay just so I could come out of the closet.

01:40:49.000 That's how little I give a fuck.

01:40:50.000 Anyway, if you go to my website, Ari the Great, Go there and get four free tracks for nothing.

01:41:01.000 Are you coming with me afterwards here to go see my studio?

01:41:04.000 Are you going to see it?

01:41:05.000 Yeah.

01:41:05.000 Let's go see that movie.

01:41:06.000 What movie?

01:41:07.000 The one you were talking about.

01:41:08.000 Oh, the Jewish movie?

01:41:09.000 No, the Will Ferrell movie.

01:41:11.000 Oh, yeah.

01:41:11.000 I would go see that.

01:41:12.000 Okay.

01:41:13.000 I might have to do some baby shit, though.

01:41:15.000 I've got little girls.

01:41:17.000 I might have to remember whether or not I committed to doing anything.

01:41:21.000 Okay, okay.

01:41:22.000 Sometimes I say, okay, we'll go do that later.

01:41:24.000 And I don't remember.

01:41:25.000 And then my wife has to go, you promised you would do that later.

01:41:28.000 They get mad.

01:41:29.000 You can't disappoint.

01:41:30.000 Did you hear that shit?

01:41:31.000 Oh, that was that.

01:41:31.000 That came through.

01:41:32.000 Yeah, they get a little shouty.

01:41:34.000 Because it means a lot to them.

01:41:35.000 That's the thing I'd be so worried about with kids.

01:41:37.000 You make an offhanded statement and they take it forever.

01:41:40.000 It doesn't matter.

01:41:41.000 You just make sure that you don't disappoint them.

01:41:45.000 It's more of a responsibility, but the reward of it is amazing.

01:41:49.000 It's hard to really wrap your head around.

01:41:51.000 I've been like you before.

01:41:52.000 I've been single and to be like, it's the last thing I want to fucking care.

01:41:56.000 Believe me.

01:41:57.000 I was like the voice of that before.

01:41:59.000 You just really don't understand what it's like until you have that experience.

01:42:02.000 I get that.

01:42:03.000 There is a whole different side of it.

01:42:05.000 And there are benefits that I can't understand.

01:42:06.000 And there's negatives that I can't understand either.

01:42:08.000 I can just sort of wrap my head around.

01:42:11.000 What was I going to say?

01:42:12.000 Fuck.

01:42:13.000 Oh, the decision to whether or not you should have a baby should be thought of before randomly some girl says, hey, I'm pregnant.

01:42:22.000 You should already be decided, can we have a baby now or not?

01:42:25.000 Not like, wow, maybe we should do this.

01:42:27.000 That's not the right time to think about it.

01:42:28.000 Yeah, the two-year-old was the one that we did on purpose.

01:42:34.000 It was planned out and everything.

01:42:36.000 I was happy for the other daughter as well.

01:42:39.000 I mean, super happy.

01:42:40.000 I remember when you told me about it as we were playing pool.

01:42:42.000 It was crazy, but super happy.

01:42:44.000 But planning for one is kind of a different thing.

01:42:46.000 Like, you're planning.

01:42:47.000 Yeah, how is it different?

01:42:48.000 And it sounds so gay.

01:42:49.000 We're trying to get pregnant.

01:42:50.000 You know, she's trying to get pregnant, stupid.

01:42:52.000 You're just fucking her.

01:42:53.000 Right.

01:42:54.000 You know, we're trying to get pregnant.

01:42:56.000 We're pregnant!

01:42:57.000 No, you're not!

01:42:57.000 You're not pregnant!

01:42:58.000 That's the trade-off.

01:42:58.000 Shut up, bitch.

01:42:59.000 We had to pay you alimony for fucking 40 years, but we get to say we are pregnant?

01:43:02.000 It's just some beta shit.

01:43:03.000 It's just some beta shit that men fall into once they get their wife pregnant.

01:43:06.000 They become just...

01:43:07.000 Your testosterone drops.

01:43:09.000 It's really scientifically proven.

01:43:10.000 Really?

01:43:10.000 Because you mimic their behavior, sort of?

01:43:13.000 Well, you become a nester.

01:43:14.000 You know, your testosterone drops when you're around babies, you're around your wife.

01:43:18.000 And it's also probably trying to calm you down to make you a little bit more patient.

01:43:22.000 Nature knows what the fuck it's doing.

01:43:23.000 I had a rabbi once in sixth grade, rabbi, not cracker, but anyway, he said the reason God makes babies cute is so we don't kill them.

01:43:31.000 I used to do that in my act.

01:43:32.000 Really?

01:43:33.000 Yeah, oxytocin.

01:43:35.000 What's oxytocin?

01:43:36.000 It's something that your brain produces when you see your babies.

01:43:39.000 And it's an incredible feeling of love and connection.

01:43:42.000 This incredible drug.

01:43:44.000 It's the same drug that's released in women when they're orgasm.

01:43:48.000 Really?

01:43:48.000 The joke in my accident.

01:43:49.000 And then it's to keep you from eating them when you get really hungry.

01:43:53.000 That's the reason why a baby produces oxytocin.

01:43:56.000 When you see them, you literally...

01:43:57.000 It produces that in you.

01:43:58.000 A drug.

01:43:59.000 Yep.

01:43:59.000 You literally get drugged.

01:44:01.000 I mean, it's all set up.

01:44:02.000 It's set up so that we keep breeding.

01:44:04.000 It's not an accident that when you're around a chick, your dick gets hard, you get all attracted to her.

01:44:11.000 Yeah.

01:44:12.000 Like this girl that has superpowers that you're talking about.

01:44:15.000 You're talking about like a beautiful girl who's like, she just thinks, she's got a superpower.

01:44:18.000 She can walk into a room and everybody wants to fuck her and so she's confused and she acts crazy but no one cares to tolerate anything because she's built like Tracy Lords.

01:44:26.000 I think there's something to also the chemicals on you.

01:44:29.000 There's this new girl that hangs out at the store.

01:44:31.000 She's this comic.

01:44:32.000 And everybody, yeah, everyone walks by her and she's not super gorgeous and she doesn't dress slutty or anything.

01:44:36.000 She's just dirty.

01:44:37.000 Yeah, she's just dirty.

01:44:38.000 She's a dirty girl.

01:44:39.000 And everybody walks by her and everyone's like, what's that girl's deal?

01:44:42.000 Like, I've heard a thousand comics ask.

01:44:44.000 And it's just, she's exuding something.

01:44:46.000 Some chemical.

01:44:47.000 Yeah, there's girls that are just sexy, man.

01:44:48.000 There's girls that are not that good looking, but they're fucking sexy.

01:44:50.000 They give you a look.

01:44:51.000 Something comes, I don't know what it is.

01:44:52.000 And by the way, sex with them is always way better than sex with a girl who's really pretty but not into it.

01:44:59.000 You want someone to be into it?

01:45:00.000 Yeah, it's weird what is sexy and what's not.

01:45:02.000 Even if you're chubby, once the guy's willing to fuck you, let it all out.

01:45:04.000 Don't worry about like, oh, you shouldn't look at this.

01:45:06.000 That's what I'm talking about.

01:45:07.000 Let it go.

01:45:08.000 Let it go, baby.

01:45:09.000 We're happier there.

01:45:10.000 If he throws up, he throws up.

01:45:11.000 Exactly, ain't gonna.

01:45:13.000 Yeah, the people used to love those porns where really fat guys would fuck girls.

01:45:17.000 I remember there was a magazine called Sluts and Slobs.

01:45:22.000 That's what people like looking at.

01:45:24.000 Hot girls getting fucked by slobs.

01:45:25.000 Yeah, it was one of my favorite all-time magazines.

01:45:28.000 Slobs is such a great word.

01:45:29.000 Because it was slobs, man.

01:45:31.000 You're a slob.

01:45:32.000 It was dudes with, like, spaghetti stains on tank tops and shit with big fat stomachs.

01:45:36.000 They were dressed as slobs, too?

01:45:38.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:45:39.000 Yeah, the whole fantasy was that these dudes were just slinging dick on these...

01:45:43.000 Like a bunch of Mike Blacks with ketchup.

01:45:45.000 Oh, Remorse and Mike Black.

01:45:46.000 Mike Black's a fairly handsome man.

01:45:48.000 We're talking about, like, really fucking sweaty guys.

01:45:50.000 Ugh.

01:45:54.000 Man.

01:45:54.000 Yeah, dude, we've had some good times on the road.

01:45:56.000 Some crazy shit.

01:45:57.000 Oh, fuck yeah.

01:45:57.000 Fuck yeah, dude.

01:45:58.000 Well, the camaraderie that comes from being a stand-up comedian, it's like, it's hard for a lot.

01:46:03.000 Like, we talk about comedy all the time.

01:46:05.000 We talk about the art form of comedy.

01:46:06.000 And a lot of times people are like, why could you guys talk about comedy too much?

01:46:10.000 Because you've got to understand that for us, it's like, it sounds so stupid, but it's almost like a sacred topic.

01:46:16.000 Yeah, but also there's things you can get from it, too, if you're listening.

01:46:18.000 Like, the way Greg Jackson talks about it, he always asks me questions about stand-up.

01:46:21.000 Yeah.

01:46:22.000 He's always like, so what do you do when you're not doing well?

01:46:24.000 What do you do when you are doing well?

01:46:25.000 Well, he's into mental games.

01:46:26.000 Yeah, but he sees the similarities between what he's trying to train and what we're doing in all the arts.

01:46:31.000 Well, there's a similarity in truth.

01:46:32.000 And if you don't hit the right notes in comedy, it's clunky and awkward.

01:46:36.000 One of the right steps on this.

01:46:37.000 Yeah, we all know that there's a bit that you've done, everybody's got a bit, that if you heard it today, you would cringe.

01:46:43.000 Because you know it's clunky.

01:46:44.000 You got into it bad.

01:46:45.000 Right.

01:46:45.000 That used to be an approach that I would use with martial arts techniques.

01:46:50.000 I had some bad approaches that I had when I was a blue belt or a green belt that I would use in a tournament that I would never use as a black belt.

01:46:58.000 They're terrible approaches.

01:46:59.000 They might work, but they're full of mistakes.

01:47:01.000 They're open.

01:47:02.000 You just attack.

01:47:04.000 You go wide open.

01:47:05.000 You can't do that.

01:47:06.000 You have to have feints and you have to have movement.

01:47:09.000 You have to learn what will throw a guy off and what doesn't throw a guy off.

01:47:14.000 And there's moments when you look back on the beginning jokes and it's like...

01:47:18.000 Just clunky, dog shit material.

01:47:22.000 Anyone that's listening can relate to that in something they've done, where they were bad at something and now they're better.

01:47:27.000 Hopefully.

01:47:27.000 Because if you're not, you're a bitch.

01:47:28.000 If you've lived your life and never got good at something, what the fuck are you?

01:47:32.000 Yeah, what have you done?

01:47:33.000 You're crazy.

01:47:34.000 You've missed out on what's...

01:47:35.000 Look...

01:47:36.000 It's hard to do shit.

01:47:37.000 It's difficult and it's scary.

01:47:39.000 But that's what friends are for.

01:47:40.000 Friends cushion all that shit.

01:47:43.000 One of the things that Randy Couture said, really kind of a cool thing that he said about fighting, he said that if you love your friends and love your family, they're going to love you if you win or lose.

01:47:52.000 You don't have to worry about that.

01:47:53.000 But that is something that people think about.

01:47:55.000 You base your worth and your value on winning and it becomes too much of a big deal to you.

01:48:00.000 It becomes like everything.

01:48:01.000 It becomes your whole life.

01:48:02.000 I heard this about kids recently.

01:48:04.000 That you shouldn't say good job when they get a good grade or something because that is unintentionally instilling in them that they are only successful in your eyes or good in their eyes when they're winning.

01:48:15.000 Do you want to create a team full of pussies or what?

01:48:18.000 What the fuck are you saying, Javier?

01:48:20.000 I'm hearing the baby books.

01:48:21.000 I think those baby books are written by cunts.

01:48:24.000 That's impossible.

01:48:25.000 Who knows?

01:48:26.000 Crazy fuckheads who don't know shit about raising...

01:48:30.000 I'm just talking shit.

01:48:31.000 That's crazy, yeah.

01:48:31.000 I think people like to be reinforced.

01:48:33.000 I think positive reinforcement for jobs well done is important.

01:48:36.000 But they said what you're supposed to do is job well tried.

01:48:39.000 If they're trying hard, that's what you're supposed to reward.

01:48:41.000 Nonsense.

01:48:41.000 Success.

01:48:42.000 That sounds like some socialist bullshit put into target by liberals designed to slow down the marathon.

01:48:48.000 Somebody doesn't want to see a sub-three-hour marathon.

01:48:51.000 Whatever.

01:48:51.000 Mile.

01:48:52.000 What's the...

01:48:53.000 I was trying to...

01:48:54.000 Four-minute mile.

01:48:54.000 Four-minute mile and a three-hour marathon.

01:48:56.000 I think they all run it at three minutes.

01:48:57.000 That Paul Ryan character.

01:48:59.000 No, they don't all run.

01:49:00.000 No, like the champions, I mean.

01:49:01.000 Yeah, the champions.

01:49:02.000 Like 220, 230.

01:49:03.000 That's why that Paul Ryan dude tried to sneak in that he ran a sub-three-hour marathon, and they called him on it.

01:49:09.000 He didn't?

01:49:09.000 Oh, no.

01:49:10.000 It was like 358.

01:49:12.000 It was more than four hours.

01:49:13.000 It was documented.

01:49:14.000 Why do the people lie?

01:49:15.000 All of them are so...

01:49:17.000 Are you going to vote this year?

01:49:18.000 No.

01:49:18.000 You're not going to?

01:49:19.000 I'm thinking of not voting.

01:49:20.000 You've said in the past you think it's all ridiculous.

01:49:22.000 If you really believe that, then there's no reason to waste your day.

01:49:26.000 Spend another day with your kids.

01:49:28.000 I think with the electoral college system that's in place, and anybody that's telling me that Obama is better than Mitt Romney, then Mitt Romney is the goddamn Holocaust.

01:49:35.000 If that's what you're telling me, if you're telling me that Mitt Romney is going to be worse than Obama, when you think about all the shit that's happened in this country to civil liberties over the last couple of years, whether people are aware of it or not, it's almost like this country is tightening up and getting ready for civil war.

01:49:50.000 They're getting scared that there's going to be civil unrest.

01:49:52.000 So they're putting all these things into place where they can spy on you and all these things in place that are fucking completely un-American and completely unconstitutional.

01:50:02.000 And then they went and re-read the Constitution, rewrote the Constitution.

01:50:05.000 They took out things like posse comatitis, I believe it is, the ability to use the military to stop civil unrest.

01:50:12.000 Oh, really?

01:50:13.000 The American military.

01:50:14.000 The police?

01:50:15.000 Yes.

01:50:16.000 The American military can now be used to stop civil unrest.

01:50:18.000 They can now arrest you for shit and they don't have to bring you to trial and they can hold you as long as they want.

01:50:23.000 You have no recourse.

01:50:25.000 And this is all for American citizens.

01:50:26.000 That's the stuff we set up.

01:50:27.000 Because someone's going to abuse that power.

01:50:30.000 Exactly.

01:50:30.000 No matter who it is.

01:50:31.000 And they say they will never use it.

01:50:33.000 And Obama's like, we'll never use this.

01:50:34.000 It doesn't matter.

01:50:35.000 It's written down now.

01:50:35.000 How about someone that's being born right now who grows up in 40 years to become the president?

01:50:39.000 You're saying he'll never use it?

01:50:41.000 There's a reason why we had all this shit set up a long time ago to make sure that you didn't involve church and state.

01:50:48.000 I think we've got to rewrite the Constitution.

01:50:49.000 Of course we do.

01:50:50.000 We've got to rewrite a brand new one.

01:50:51.000 Of course we do.

01:50:52.000 Because that stuff that happened 200 years ago has nothing to do with us.

01:50:54.000 You can't have a Constitution that was written before the internet.

01:50:56.000 That's nonsense.

01:50:57.000 Before electricity?

01:50:59.000 Yeah.

01:50:59.000 Well, you know, look, they knew the concepts of classic societies.

01:51:04.000 They knew the concepts of what was going to cause people to fall apart, what's going to cause people to give in to their id, what's going to cause people to be corrupt and to go wrong.

01:51:15.000 And so they prevented all that shit.

01:51:17.000 They prevented freedom of speech.

01:51:18.000 You've got to be able to say whatever the fuck you want to say.

01:51:20.000 You can't stop people from talking.

01:51:21.000 You've got to let people express themselves.

01:51:23.000 You've got to allow people to protest.

01:51:25.000 You have to allow people to organize.

01:51:27.000 You've got to let them be armed.

01:51:28.000 There's all these things they set in place because they knew.

01:51:30.000 Because they know, if you have all the arms, we have none, you're going to abuse that.

01:51:33.000 And that's something that liberal people don't want to accept.

01:51:36.000 The problem in this world is the gun problem.

01:51:38.000 No, the problem in this world is just crazy people.

01:51:40.000 Yeah, that's the thing.

01:51:41.000 You have to allow for that.

01:51:42.000 There will be people.

01:51:43.000 You might not, but some people will, and so then you have to defend yourself.

01:51:46.000 Well, we have to, if that's another sickness.

01:51:48.000 You're not going to have a lock in your door?

01:51:49.000 It's a sickness in society that we have to address.

01:51:52.000 Why are we creating sick people?

01:51:53.000 Why are we creating crazy people?

01:51:55.000 Why are we creating violent people?

01:51:56.000 And that can be resolved.

01:51:58.000 With time and education and some form of action, some form of social engineering, I believe that you're going to be able to at least cut significantly down on the amount of cunts and douchebags that are developed by civilization.

01:52:11.000 I think if we went from being barbarians to people that live in...

01:52:15.000 We live way more civilized now.

01:52:16.000 Way more civilized now.

01:52:17.000 It's not close.

01:52:18.000 Right.

01:52:18.000 It's not even close.

01:52:19.000 So if you just extrapolate 100 years into the future, you would assume that things would continue to get easier and easier and easier.

01:52:25.000 I've got to think that eventually we can...

01:52:27.000 But, you know, we're never going to be able to engineer out greed.

01:52:31.000 We're never going to be able to engineer out, if someone has complete and total control over an entire city, they will do something terrible.

01:52:38.000 That's human nature.

01:52:39.000 I just say that.

01:52:40.000 Hold on to their power.

01:52:41.000 It's like, hold on, why would you say you would never do that when so many people have done it?

01:52:44.000 You should say, I'm glad I don't have that power because I probably would abuse it.

01:52:47.000 Right, because if you look at what we've done as a human race, just in military means, or by military means, over the last decade, how much different is it really than what happened during the days of the barbarian hordes?

01:53:00.000 The numbers are probably more significant.

01:53:03.000 It seems more civilized on the surface, but they're more effective at killing people.

01:53:07.000 They can kill massive numbers of people.

01:53:09.000 A bunch of people just died the other day, I think it was in Yemen, where they shot a bunch of civilians with one of those fucking drones.

01:53:18.000 And they just killed 14 people, 14 civilians.

01:53:21.000 I mean, women and children, they're getting jacked constantly by these things.

01:53:25.000 There's thousands of people who've been killed by these drones.

01:53:28.000 Wow.

01:53:29.000 So they want to outlaw that because that just allows for error too easily and no one has to feel it?

01:53:35.000 Well, there's no significant voice to outlaw these things right now.

01:53:38.000 Really?

01:53:39.000 I've heard people say those.

01:53:40.000 That's one of the things I've heard about.

01:53:42.000 Yeah, not in this country, man.

01:53:43.000 You don't hear Mitt Romney saying it.

01:53:45.000 We're going to stop the drones.

01:53:46.000 We're going to stop those drone attacks.

01:53:47.000 No, no, no.

01:53:48.000 Picketer people will say it.

01:53:49.000 Those people don't have a say.

01:53:51.000 We don't have any say.

01:53:52.000 Silly picketer people.

01:53:53.000 P. Carboni's joke, I'll just say.

01:53:54.000 They're going to arrest those people.

01:53:55.000 He said, do you think President Bush, this is how long it was, he goes, do you think President Bush cares about us protesting the war?

01:54:01.000 He goes, I think he thinks about the protesters the way we feel about the WNBA. Like, sure, it's annoying, but let them feel like they're making a difference.

01:54:11.000 Oh my god, I can't believe you went down.

01:54:13.000 What was P. Carboni?

01:54:14.000 Retired from comedy.

01:54:15.000 Why did he retire?

01:54:17.000 It wasn't making him happy after a while.

01:54:19.000 He just wasn't making money at it.

01:54:21.000 And he was like, I gotta do something.

01:54:22.000 He didn't want to struggle for fucking 145 spots at the store.

01:54:25.000 A lot of guys get close.

01:54:26.000 That grind is hard, man.

01:54:27.000 Yeah.

01:54:27.000 The fucking, the grind when you're, especially a grind in LA. Yeah.

01:54:31.000 When you're like one of those up and coming comics, you don't even have like road gigs you can pick up for 50 bucks here and there.

01:54:36.000 You just want time.

01:54:37.000 Yeah.

01:54:37.000 You want to perform for free for someone.

01:54:38.000 Yeah.

01:54:38.000 I view it as, you know how when they're running and there's an explosion behind you or a tidal wave coming at you, or like the bridge is falling behind you, and people behind you are falling in, but you manage to make it off before it completely collapses?

01:54:51.000 That's how I view a stand-up comedy, where there's some funny people that just didn't get living enough to get them going and they fell off the bridge.

01:54:58.000 Yeah, it's like anything else.

01:55:00.000 We all sucked at it at the beginning.

01:55:02.000 The reason why you can equate stand-up comedy to martial arts is because it's two things that you have to look at really realistically in order to get better at them.

01:55:09.000 You've got to figure out how to fucking make your way through the maze.

01:55:12.000 And if you get somebody pregnant early, it's going to be a lot harder.

01:55:15.000 Fuck yeah, it is.

01:55:16.000 You know, you might have quit.

01:55:17.000 I almost definitely would have quit.

01:55:18.000 If I got somebody pregnant at 26, a year in...

01:55:21.000 Well, you think you would take some time off, for sure.

01:55:24.000 Who comes back after time off?

01:55:25.000 Who knows, man?

01:55:27.000 Dana Gould did.

01:55:28.000 Really?

01:55:28.000 Yeah, Dana Gould took a long time off.

01:55:30.000 He was writing for The Simpsons.

01:55:32.000 Yeah, but did he...

01:55:33.000 I think he was raising kids too.

01:55:35.000 I don't know.

01:55:36.000 I might have made that up.

01:55:36.000 Imagine if he's gay.

01:55:37.000 I'm just making sure.

01:55:39.000 He's got a family.

01:55:39.000 He's got a dog.

01:55:40.000 I think he's raising dogs.

01:55:40.000 I think he does have a family.

01:55:41.000 He did my Storyteller show once.

01:55:43.000 He was really cool.

01:55:44.000 He was one of those guys that was around in Boston.

01:55:46.000 He was ahead of me.

01:55:47.000 He was like a couple of years ahead of me.

01:55:49.000 I don't think he's come back.

01:55:50.000 He was already a professional.

01:55:51.000 No?

01:55:52.000 He comes back.

01:55:53.000 Like Mary Lynn comes back.

01:55:54.000 But once they give it up, you're never back in it.

01:55:56.000 They're not the same to you.

01:55:58.000 No, it's just like your heart's not in it.

01:56:00.000 Your performance isn't as good.

01:56:02.000 You can't do it once in a month.

01:56:03.000 The people like us that are real hardcore stand-up fanatics, we despise people that quit.

01:56:10.000 You quitting, pussy.

01:56:11.000 We try to be like, oh no, that's cool.

01:56:12.000 I'm glad you're happy.

01:56:13.000 You happy now?

01:56:14.000 You know we're looking at you like...

01:56:15.000 You're a pussy.

01:56:17.000 You're giving up the greatest drug in the world.

01:56:19.000 It's just you can't take the ride.

01:56:20.000 The ride is just too bumpy.

01:56:21.000 Not even you pussy, but just like, oh, you're not one of us anymore.

01:56:23.000 Yeah, how could you not be one of us?

01:56:25.000 So long.

01:56:27.000 Yeah, I've got to be careful when I'm around guys like Stand Hope.

01:56:30.000 What?

01:56:31.000 Because I want to start doing mushrooms in front of them.

01:56:33.000 You want to start doing mushrooms in front of them?

01:56:34.000 Yeah, you're around a guy like that.

01:56:35.000 You'll do mushrooms and drive home.

01:56:37.000 And drive home.

01:56:38.000 Yeah, that's a problem.

01:56:39.000 That's a problem.

01:56:40.000 I haven't had the training he has.

01:56:42.000 Yeah, one of our friends, which will go, let's say his name rhymes with Smetty Huavo, was on Crazy Mushroom Dose and he was driving home and the road in front of him turned into flower petals.

01:56:55.000 Oh my god, it's like as he was driving, it's just flowers were flying off of his wheels and flowers were in front of him.

01:57:03.000 Yeah, could you imagine?

01:57:04.000 I did it once.

01:57:04.000 It wasn't that bad.

01:57:05.000 But just once where I was driving.

01:57:06.000 I thought I was done because I was doing it in someone's apartment.

01:57:09.000 And I was like, alright, I'm good.

01:57:10.000 I'm going to go home.

01:57:11.000 It's been five hours.

01:57:12.000 And then I'm driving.

01:57:12.000 I was looking at a sign.

01:57:13.000 But it's like that picture behind you.

01:57:15.000 It has a lot of colors.

01:57:16.000 And it just started swimming when I was at a light.

01:57:18.000 Like everything started.

01:57:19.000 And I was like, aw, fuck.

01:57:22.000 I feel like mushrooms is too dangerous to drive on.

01:57:24.000 Oh, fuck yeah, it's too dangerous.

01:57:25.000 We don't do it, but mushrooms is...

01:57:27.000 Yeah, mushrooms are real...

01:57:29.000 It dissipates reality.

01:57:31.000 It gets reality to a place where you're like, I don't know if you can manage this.

01:57:35.000 You might be experiencing something that's absolutely not there at all.

01:57:40.000 Yeah.

01:57:40.000 Yeah, you could just drive over a fucking cliff, think you're on a water ride, you know?

01:57:45.000 Yeah, that's what I mean.

01:57:46.000 You never quite lose reality, but you sort of get close.

01:57:50.000 Like, you don't lose where you are 100%.

01:57:52.000 I'm going to Cap City, by the way.

01:57:53.000 When are you working there?

01:57:55.000 Two weeks.

01:57:55.000 The 14th, I think.

01:57:56.000 September 14th.

01:57:57.000 Let me see.

01:57:58.000 Nice.

01:57:59.000 September 14th.

01:58:00.000 That place is the shit.

01:58:01.000 What days are you there?

01:58:02.000 The Friday, Saturday?

01:58:02.000 12th through the 15th.

01:58:04.000 Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

01:58:05.000 Son!

01:58:06.000 Four days, yeah.

01:58:07.000 Dude, four days?

01:58:08.000 Yeah.

01:58:08.000 The 12th through the 15th?

01:58:10.000 Holy shit.

01:58:11.000 Dude, you're a legit comic now.

01:58:13.000 You are.

01:58:14.000 You're a legit headliner.

01:58:14.000 I feel like I'm in places now.

01:58:15.000 You're a legit headliner.

01:58:16.000 It's pretty fucking cool, man.

01:58:17.000 You're headlining the Cap City Comedy Club in Austin, Texas.

01:58:20.000 That's legit as it gets, man.

01:58:22.000 As a stand-up comedian, that and the comedy works in Denver.

01:58:25.000 If you want to talk about the independent clubs that are super legit, Cap City is super legit.

01:58:30.000 You there, you're a real comic.

01:58:33.000 There's five rooms that I've put on my favorite five rooms for a long time.

01:58:39.000 The OR, the Comedy Store, Cap City, Denver Comedy Works, DC Improv, just because it was my first road room.

01:58:46.000 Well, as far as the vibe, Austin might have the best vibe in the history of the universe.

01:58:51.000 Yeah, it's so cool.

01:58:51.000 That's where we filmed that, what do we call it?

01:58:54.000 My butthole video?

01:58:56.000 Oh, yeah, when you had a problem.

01:58:57.000 What do we call it?

01:58:58.000 The Jew Clam, the Jew Clam video.

01:58:59.000 Your booty hole.

01:59:00.000 Yeah.

01:59:01.000 Problem.

01:59:03.000 Yeah, it's just awesome.

01:59:04.000 They're cool.

01:59:05.000 They're one of the cities that gets it.

01:59:06.000 They're smart enough to get it, but cool enough to be laid back about it.

01:59:09.000 Somebody fucked up in that club and painted over all the writing in the green room.

01:59:13.000 Some asshole decided there was too much writing on the wall.

01:59:15.000 You had like 30 years of history.

01:59:18.000 Who did that?

01:59:19.000 It was fun to look at, even if you don't know anybody.

01:59:21.000 Some dummy.

01:59:22.000 There was people that were dead that wrote on that wall.

01:59:24.000 A lot of them, including Hedberg.

01:59:26.000 Who painted over it?

01:59:28.000 Some silly bitch.

01:59:29.000 How dare you, you fuckheads.

01:59:31.000 That was historic.

01:59:32.000 It's not as historic as the Atlanta Punchline.

01:59:34.000 Because the Atlanta Punchline has that one thing that says, Quit trying to be Hicks.

01:59:40.000 You know if you write something on the wall, someone's going to write something shitty after it.

01:59:44.000 So many dudes try to be Hicks.

01:59:46.000 Hicks, as far as influencing comedians, Hicks influenced comedians the wrong way more than anybody.

01:59:54.000 Kaufman.

01:59:54.000 Kaufman was pretty bad.

01:59:56.000 Yeah, but they didn't go on stage and self-righteously preach to the crowd.

02:00:02.000 They didn't do that.

02:00:02.000 They didn't think they were better than you because they were trying something experimental.

02:00:05.000 Yeah.

02:00:05.000 Well, not only that.

02:00:06.000 There's some shit they just wrote in Popular Science Magazine five minutes ago and they're yelling at the crowd that they don't know it.

02:00:11.000 Because you're at home watching fucking Roseanne, you know, sitting in the couch.

02:00:18.000 And then they always do this.

02:00:18.000 They always say this.

02:00:19.000 Not a lot of times.

02:00:20.000 They'll be like, oh, too edgy for you?

02:00:21.000 And you're like, no, idiot.

02:00:23.000 No one laughed because it wasn't funny.

02:00:25.000 Just sucks, stupid.

02:00:26.000 Too edgy for you.

02:00:27.000 You fucking dubby.

02:00:29.000 Drop it and Bob on stage eight times in a row on purpose just for the sake of it.

02:00:33.000 Just get fucked.

02:00:35.000 Yeah.

02:00:36.000 That's just as fake as fake clean comedy.

02:00:39.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:00:39.000 I have no thoughts of that.

02:00:42.000 And part of it is sometimes people don't look at themselves that objectively, so they don't know what they're putting out there is so stupidly, offensively, dumb.

02:00:51.000 They don't know.

02:00:52.000 They don't even know.

02:00:53.000 They're just clunking it.

02:00:55.000 Clonk!

02:00:58.000 It's hard when you watch someone go on stage.

02:01:01.000 I worked in Vegas with this guy once.

02:01:03.000 He was supposed to do like 20 minutes.

02:01:05.000 He did 45. 45 minutes, and it was some of the worst fucking comedy I have ever seen in my life.

02:01:12.000 It was so bad that by the time I got on stage, I was like, there's nothing funny.

02:01:16.000 Nothing is funny.

02:01:17.000 You couldn't even believe in funny.

02:01:19.000 Yeah.

02:01:19.000 It's like when we hang out together, like we do gigs at the Ice House especially, like if we're all shooting the shit.

02:01:24.000 I get like that sometimes I'm in a bored mood, yeah, but when we're doing that, we're in a good mood.

02:01:27.000 Yeah, we're shooting the shit and then we go on stage.

02:01:29.000 And you're like, so many things are funny.

02:01:31.000 Yeah, there's some of the best shows ever.

02:01:32.000 There's funniness everywhere.

02:01:33.000 Yeah, but if you're working with someone who sucks it...

02:01:36.000 It's like if you're at a job with someone who's a douchebag.

02:01:39.000 There's a difference between being at a job with someone who's fun.

02:01:41.000 Like if you had to work with Joey Diaz all day, you'd be laughing.

02:01:43.000 I mean, once a month he'd yell at you.

02:01:45.000 But you gotta deal with that.

02:01:46.000 Mostly great.

02:01:47.000 He'll yell at me over fucking nonsense.

02:01:50.000 The one day that he came in, he was fucking screaming about ranch dressing.

02:01:54.000 Fucking ranch dressing!

02:01:56.000 Somebody gave him ranch dressing.

02:01:56.000 Well, he made a t-shirt about it.

02:01:58.000 He sold like a thousand fucking t-shirts.

02:02:01.000 It's blue cheese with wings or go fuck your mother was his famous line.

02:02:05.000 He just gets so mad about blue cheese.

02:02:09.000 Blue cheese, please.

02:02:12.000 That kind of guy.

02:02:13.000 To be able to hang out with people like that.

02:02:16.000 There's a lot of people that would never understand a guy like that.

02:02:19.000 But for a guy like us, another stand-up comic is like a buoy in the ocean.

02:02:25.000 You're gravitated towards him to save you.

02:02:27.000 I mentioned him on ONA. I mentioned Diaz because I was like, Diaz told me this thing once.

02:02:31.000 And they're like, oh yeah, Joey Diaz.

02:02:33.000 We haven't seen him in forever.

02:02:35.000 They're like, he's so good at telling stories.

02:02:36.000 And I'm like, yeah, he sure fucking is.

02:02:38.000 He sure is.

02:02:39.000 He's an unusual human.

02:02:41.000 It's so important to find those fucking people.

02:02:44.000 It's so hard.

02:02:45.000 It's one thing that I've developed a skill for.

02:02:48.000 I know how to wrangle people together.

02:02:49.000 I know how to wrangle a bunch of cool people together.

02:02:51.000 It's hard.

02:02:52.000 It's hard to find cool, interesting people.

02:02:54.000 It's hard to accumulate.

02:02:56.000 You've got to cut all the cunts out.

02:02:59.000 You've got to cut them all out.

02:03:00.000 It's like pruning a tree.

02:03:01.000 Yeah.

02:03:02.000 The problem is it's hard when the cunts are somehow related to the cool people.

02:03:08.000 And you're like, oh, that's your best friend?

02:03:09.000 A brother or a best friend.

02:03:11.000 And you're like, oh, so he comes with you?

02:03:12.000 But I don't want him.

02:03:12.000 I just want you.

02:03:13.000 And he's like snipey.

02:03:14.000 He says snipey shit.

02:03:17.000 Girlfriend, shitty parents, something like that.

02:03:19.000 And he's like, I don't want to hang with him at all.

02:03:24.000 You don't have to do the actual words.

02:03:27.000 There's a balance to this world, man.

02:03:29.000 People don't realize it.

02:03:31.000 Those cunty people.

02:03:33.000 Their cuntiness is directly proportionate to how happy they are.

02:03:36.000 I just walk away from them now.

02:03:37.000 I treat them as wild animals.

02:03:39.000 If there was a barking dog, I would cross the street before going in front of that yard.

02:03:44.000 I'm not going to get through to you.

02:03:46.000 What the fuck is this?

02:03:47.000 Do you have any interest?

02:03:49.000 I bought a ticket for you of Louis C.K. doing new stuff tonight at the Comedy Store Main Room.

02:03:56.000 Ooh, I might be into doing that.

02:03:58.000 I gotta see.

02:03:59.000 I gotta see.

02:03:59.000 We'll get off the podcast.

02:04:00.000 Okay.

02:04:03.000 It's at midnight.

02:04:04.000 At midnight?

02:04:04.000 Oh, wow.

02:04:05.000 That's pretty late.

02:04:06.000 Yeah.

02:04:07.000 Why is he doing a show at midnight?

02:04:07.000 Is he doing an early show, too?

02:04:09.000 Nope, just a late show.

02:04:09.000 Doors open at 11. I think there was already a show in there, and he goes, I don't want to sell it out late, so fuck it.

02:04:14.000 It's also new jokes.

02:04:16.000 It's so cool that he's doing that, man.

02:04:18.000 And he said, you can only buy tickets live and with cash so that nobody counterfeits anything.

02:04:24.000 Whoa.

02:04:26.000 So the door guys have to stay there and sell tickets in the cover book.

02:04:30.000 So that nobody counterfeits anything?

02:04:32.000 He's had to deal with, not counterfeiting, scalping.

02:04:34.000 Oh.

02:04:35.000 Yeah, he's had to deal with that a lot, I guess.

02:04:37.000 So he's trying to overcome that with the tickets.

02:04:39.000 So you have to actually wait in line to buy the tickets?

02:04:41.000 No, just walk up to the booth, get them.

02:04:43.000 Oh, but that means there's going to be a line, though.

02:04:45.000 That's annoying.

02:04:45.000 You can't use your credit card?

02:04:46.000 They put it online, and it was no more than a three-person line.

02:04:49.000 They were just whipping people through.

02:04:50.000 Really?

02:04:51.000 Yeah.

02:04:51.000 And there's an ATM right on the corner, right next to the main room.

02:04:54.000 There's an ATM there.

02:04:55.000 See, why aren't they just paying gold?

02:04:56.000 I don't know.

02:04:57.000 It's so weird.

02:04:57.000 It's like, do I have the cash on me?

02:04:59.000 I guess I do.

02:05:00.000 That sounds like he's going to get robbed.

02:05:02.000 Yeah.

02:05:03.000 What if someone's a gangster and they're in that neighborhood, they know there's a lot of cash now, son.

02:05:08.000 You gave up the goods.

02:05:09.000 Notice that gangster has become a black guy, or it used to be like a...

02:05:13.000 Italian.

02:05:14.000 Yeah.

02:05:14.000 Gangster.

02:05:15.000 Yeah.

02:05:15.000 They took it.

02:05:16.000 They did.

02:05:17.000 Another thing they've stolen.

02:05:18.000 Besides our wallets.

02:05:19.000 Whoa, Ari.

02:05:20.000 That was like...

02:05:21.000 Sounded too harsh.

02:05:22.000 That was you were acting.

02:05:23.000 Yeah.

02:05:24.000 Besides our wallets.

02:05:25.000 Insulting me.

02:05:25.000 I did this guy once, when I didn't know the line, we're talking about rookie mistakes and stuff, I didn't know the line of how you can be mean but say it in a smile.

02:05:33.000 I learned a lot from watching Don Barris, when he'd call these grandmothers filthy whores, but he'd do it with such a smile.

02:05:39.000 I don't know how we quite, he exudes this like, I'm clearly joking.

02:05:42.000 And these old ladies would love it.

02:05:44.000 They'd be howling in front of their granddaughter.

02:05:47.000 It was just great.

02:05:47.000 I could always see him do it.

02:05:49.000 Barris knows how to do it.

02:05:50.000 Well, he's an experienced performer.

02:05:52.000 And I would do it sometimes with black people.

02:05:53.000 I'd be like, what's up, black people?

02:05:54.000 But say in a friendly enough way that it was so cool.

02:05:56.000 I remember this one door guy one time saw this black lady in the front row and goes, what's up, you black bitch?

02:06:02.000 Oh, my God.

02:06:03.000 It queered the room for the entire night.

02:06:05.000 For the next five hours, everybody was having weird sets.

02:06:08.000 Wow.

02:06:09.000 Yeah, that can happen, man.

02:06:10.000 Well, people can be a little off because of something fucked up, someone says.

02:06:13.000 Yeah, so some guy came in one time with his girlfriend.

02:06:16.000 I was on stage at the store in the middle of the showroom.

02:06:18.000 It's fine to come in there.

02:06:19.000 And I was like, hey, what's up?

02:06:21.000 How are you?

02:06:21.000 Nice to see you with your whore.

02:06:22.000 And I was like, ugh.

02:06:24.000 And the guy's like, what the fuck's your problem?

02:06:25.000 And I had to like, damn it, now I'm stuck in this thing.

02:06:27.000 Yeah, you're just trying to come up with something funny to say.

02:06:30.000 You didn't mean to say it.

02:06:31.000 It sounded wrong.

02:06:33.000 Sometimes they come out and you're like, nope, that wasn't it.

02:06:35.000 That didn't sound, yeah.

02:06:36.000 Especially when you do like what you and I do.

02:06:39.000 It's like you go on stage, there's a lot of fucking around.

02:06:41.000 There's a lot of ad-libbing.

02:06:42.000 And that's how you come up with new material.

02:06:44.000 Yeah.

02:06:45.000 You know, to get like the bridges between subjects.

02:06:47.000 Like sometimes they're different every night.

02:06:49.000 Yeah.

02:06:49.000 You know, and in doing so.

02:06:50.000 So it keeps it loose and sounding natural and conversational.

02:06:53.000 Yeah.

02:06:53.000 Yeah, and sometimes in doing so, you also create these weird improvisational paths where you go on some completely new angle and you're like, oh my god, this is the new part to the bit.

02:07:01.000 This is important.

02:07:02.000 So it's important to me to be able to fuck around.

02:07:05.000 But sometimes, especially if you have a new subject, you're not exactly sure where you're going with it, you just take a stupid chance and you're like, oh no!

02:07:14.000 It's been like two minutes on a dark path and you're like, oh, there's a wolf around here that's going to eat me.

02:07:19.000 A wolf of boredom on the crowd.

02:07:20.000 You just get fucking stuck there.

02:07:23.000 Shit!

02:07:25.000 Stuck in a shit topic.

02:07:27.000 You ever start a topic and then you're in the middle of it and you want to bail?

02:07:30.000 You're like, no, no.

02:07:30.000 And you go, God, do I get out of this?

02:07:32.000 I told somebody that at the Laugh Factory the other day at doing one of their employee shows.

02:07:36.000 I started down a path and I was like, you know what, guys?

02:07:39.000 I don't want to do that.

02:07:40.000 I had this whole thing about this, but I'm going to talk about something else.

02:07:43.000 That's cool.

02:07:44.000 Wow.

02:07:45.000 That's funny.

02:07:47.000 I was already getting laughs.

02:07:48.000 I was already doing fine, but I was just like, nah.

02:07:50.000 That's funny.

02:07:51.000 Yeah, I guess it all depends on your level of enthusiasm.

02:07:54.000 Plus, I got 12 minutes there, and this is a seven-minute bit.

02:07:57.000 So it's like, do I want to commit this percentage of this time to this?

02:08:01.000 What made you decide to bail on it?

02:08:02.000 I wanted to work on something else.

02:08:04.000 Oh, okay.

02:08:05.000 And that was like, I could just do this right now, but it'd be just me just doing it.

02:08:08.000 Right, right, right, right.

02:08:09.000 And I need to work on this other thing.

02:08:11.000 You know, it's fresher, and that's my plan.

02:08:13.000 I need to develop things, you know?

02:08:15.000 Right.

02:08:16.000 Yeah, that's the way to go, man.

02:08:19.000 Do you spend a lot of time actually writing?

02:08:21.000 Not actually writing.

02:08:22.000 I'll write over notes, little notes.

02:08:25.000 Get in front of your computer and get high and just start writing.

02:08:28.000 And it just takes a while.

02:08:29.000 And don't try to write jokes.

02:08:31.000 Just try to write.

02:08:32.000 Just write.

02:08:33.000 Sometimes I write as stand-up and sometimes I write as if someone was reading a book.

02:08:37.000 Free conscience?

02:08:38.000 Yeah.

02:08:38.000 But there's things that come out in most writing.

02:08:40.000 That's what David Wayne said.

02:08:41.000 Just start writing.

02:08:41.000 Just start writing and then we'll see what happens.

02:08:43.000 Because there's things that come out when you're doing that.

02:08:46.000 Because it makes you put yourself in a place, right?

02:08:49.000 It comes out everywhere.

02:08:51.000 Comedy will come out when you're driving your car.

02:08:53.000 You'll have an idea and you'll have to write it down.

02:08:55.000 But when you actually force yourself to sit down and think about things, it's not always that it works.

02:09:00.000 But you actually put the time in.

02:09:01.000 Yeah, I got a new bit right now, man, that I am so fucking happy with.

02:09:05.000 Really?

02:09:06.000 Oh my god, it's destroying.

02:09:08.000 And it's something that I wrote.

02:09:09.000 I wrote on a plane.

02:09:10.000 And it came to me, it's one of the rare moments where it came to me with almost too much stuff.

02:09:17.000 There's too many punchlines.

02:09:18.000 It's just too killer.

02:09:20.000 There's just too much.

02:09:21.000 It's this subject that I'm really pissed off about.

02:09:24.000 And so it's like a ten minute subject.

02:09:27.000 And I just have to keep remembering it.

02:09:29.000 Oh, nice.

02:09:29.000 It's brand new.

02:09:30.000 But it's like, and there's this one!

02:09:32.000 Boom!

02:09:33.000 And then this one!

02:09:34.000 Bang!

02:09:34.000 It's like I've got this new, which to me is even more fun than a bit.

02:09:38.000 Because you're excited about it.

02:09:38.000 That's why they kill the most.

02:09:39.000 Because I really feel great about it.

02:09:41.000 There's no acting in me at all.

02:09:42.000 It's all pure emotion.

02:09:44.000 It's pure emotion.

02:09:44.000 And it's right.

02:09:47.000 It's on something.

02:09:48.000 Something that's got something to it.

02:09:52.000 something Bill Burr told him about writing new material.

02:09:54.000 And he was like, how do you write that long?

02:09:56.000 And he broke it down to like five minutes a month, which always embarrasses everybody.

02:09:59.000 But then he was like, where do you come up with stuff?

02:10:01.000 He goes, I don't know.

02:10:02.000 What do you care about?

02:10:03.000 And you're like, yeah, that's it.

02:10:05.000 Just what do you care about?

02:10:06.000 That's all it is.

02:10:07.000 What's on your mind?

02:10:08.000 What's going on?

02:10:09.000 You get traffic?

02:10:10.000 What do you care about lately?

02:10:12.000 Yeah.

02:10:12.000 The fucking line at this place, or bad foods you're supposed to eat, or not supposed to eat, or just whatever.

02:10:18.000 Right, and you've got to be paying enough attention to actually care about something.

02:10:22.000 Yeah, and that's what's interesting.

02:10:23.000 What's interesting is always where...

02:10:25.000 But it could just be about the way your sheets bunch up on you.

02:10:27.000 If that's what really makes you angry, or happy, or whatever, then that's what you care about.

02:10:31.000 That's okay.

02:10:31.000 Maybe.

02:10:32.000 Yeah, you have to be really interesting.

02:10:34.000 Yeah, you have to be really into that.

02:10:36.000 I'd way rather hear about comedy.

02:10:37.000 But like Jim Gaffigan can make bacon funny.

02:10:39.000 That's true.

02:10:40.000 For like a while.

02:10:40.000 Jim Gaffigan can make sheets funny too.

02:10:42.000 Yeah.

02:10:42.000 Yeah, no, for him, it's just not for me or for you.

02:10:45.000 Right.

02:10:46.000 It wouldn't work.

02:10:46.000 But yeah.

02:10:47.000 Yeah, it's what defines you, makes you interesting or not.

02:10:51.000 It's like, what kind of things are interesting to you?

02:10:52.000 These are the things that are on my mind.

02:10:53.000 That's what I'm talking about, son.

02:10:55.000 Stand-up comedy.

02:10:56.000 Ari Shafir, Cap City Comedy Club, this September what?

02:10:59.000 What are the days?

02:11:00.000 It's the 12th through the 15th.

02:11:03.000 Keep it together, motherfuckers.

02:11:05.000 Man.

02:11:05.000 It's a dark road out there, ladies and gentlemen.

02:11:07.000 But we're all on it.

02:11:08.000 It's not even dark.

02:11:09.000 It's actually pretty awesome.

02:11:10.000 If you lived in the 1500s.

02:11:12.000 Indianapolis, Corpus Christi, Dallas.

02:11:13.000 And somebody could transport you to today.

02:11:15.000 Portland.

02:11:16.000 You'd think you're living in a fucking dream.

02:11:17.000 Oh yeah, it'd be totally different.

02:11:18.000 High-dice, bitches.

02:11:20.000 Medicine.

02:11:20.000 How about just penicillin?

02:11:21.000 How about when you have sex with a dirty prostitute, you don't die?

02:11:24.000 Wouldn't that be sweet?

02:11:25.000 Wouldn't that be sweet if you just didn't die?

02:11:27.000 Yeah, one day you'll catch gonorrhea and instead of having to jab that thing in you...

02:11:32.000 Just go get gum.

02:11:33.000 Get gonorrhea gum.

02:11:35.000 They rave the wand over you like Star Trek?

02:11:37.000 It'll be an app on your cell phone.

02:11:39.000 You stick your cell phone near your dick and it'll cure it.

02:11:42.000 It'll zap it.

02:11:43.000 It's ridiculous.

02:11:44.000 We live in the best fucking time ever and everyone's depressed.

02:11:48.000 Why?

02:11:49.000 Because look at our future.

02:11:50.000 This fucking Mitt Romney guy.

02:11:51.000 He's going to win too.

02:11:52.000 White people are angry.

02:11:53.000 You think Mitt Romney's going to win?

02:11:54.000 That's how the play's supposed to play out.

02:11:56.000 You think so?

02:11:56.000 It doesn't matter.

02:11:57.000 Corporations win.

02:11:58.000 No matter who's in place.

02:11:59.000 That's the only reason why going is ridiculous.

02:12:02.000 Corporations win.

02:12:02.000 Corporations are winning.

02:12:03.000 What really matters, man, is state and local elections.

02:12:05.000 And your friends.

02:12:06.000 And people you care about.

02:12:08.000 And what you do for a living, you dirty, dirty bitches.

02:12:10.000 Enjoy yourselves.

02:12:11.000 Because you're not going to make a big difference in the fucking legal system.

02:12:13.000 Well, even if you do, you're still just a person.

02:12:15.000 Yeah, you're just one dude.

02:12:16.000 And you'll be dead and gone forever.

02:12:17.000 So enjoy it while you're here.

02:12:18.000 The only way we can make a difference is...

02:12:21.000 Talking about shit and having a new generation of people who don't grow up to become the cunts that the people that are running this country are.

02:12:27.000 That's the only way.

02:12:28.000 It's the only way.

02:12:29.000 So by this conversation, by this podcast alone, you can influence the youth, R Shafir, and set them in a good direction.

02:12:36.000 I should also influence you on Yom Kippur.

02:12:38.000 Please get my album, Revenge for the Holocaust.

02:12:41.000 What a perfect time to launch a comedy album with you as a spider with a star of David.

02:12:47.000 Juice fighter, fighting Hitler.

02:12:48.000 Killing Hitler.

02:12:48.000 And that's going to be available on iTunes and AriTheGreat.com.

02:12:53.000 Is that still your website or AriTheGreat.com?

02:12:55.000 They're both there, same site.

02:12:56.000 You go to the same thing?

02:12:57.000 Yeah.

02:12:57.000 I like AriTheGreat, though.

02:12:58.000 It's a cool thing to write.

02:12:59.000 But yeah, I'm sending you four MP3s.

02:13:02.000 Me?

02:13:02.000 Anybody who goes on my website and wants them.

02:13:05.000 Well, go to Ari Safir's website, AriTheGreat.com, and get yourself some fucking mp3s and some solid goddamn stand-up comedy for one of the best in the country.

02:13:12.000 I've seen them develop from a goddamn comedy face to a real professional.

02:13:16.000 Do you feel fatherly like that at all?

02:13:17.000 No, no.

02:13:18.000 I'm happy as a friend, though.

02:13:19.000 I think it's awesome as fuck.

02:13:20.000 I asked my rabbis about this.

02:13:21.000 When you come to Israel and then people start to get more religious, do you feel like you've accomplished something?

02:13:26.000 And he's like, yeah, you do.

02:13:28.000 He's like, you helped build something.

02:13:29.000 Well, I definitely am happy when I'm around comedians and I give them advice and they get better.

02:13:34.000 But not everybody listens.

02:13:36.000 You listen better than anybody that ever took on the road with me.

02:13:39.000 If I would tell you, I'm like, you got too many words in that, man.

02:13:42.000 You're right.

02:13:42.000 Fuck.

02:13:43.000 And you would just go sharpened up and think about it and redo things.

02:13:47.000 You know, people have told me things that I didn't want to hear, and some of them I fought, and some of them I listened to, and some of them were uncomfortable.

02:13:54.000 But ultimately, people, especially in the beginning, can point things out to you.

02:13:58.000 It's up to you whether or not you can see them and listen and accept it.

02:14:01.000 Somebody told me that.

02:14:01.000 I was looking down the whole time.

02:14:03.000 Mark Madison told me that.

02:14:05.000 I used to do that too.

02:14:05.000 Look up.

02:14:06.000 You're talking to the crowd.

02:14:07.000 I was like, oh yeah.

02:14:07.000 It helps.

02:14:08.000 Just little things.

02:14:08.000 I'm like, maybe you're right.

02:14:09.000 Instead of, fuck you.

02:14:10.000 You don't know what they're talking about.

02:14:11.000 I looked down way too much.

02:14:12.000 For a long time.

02:14:13.000 I did it for years.

02:14:14.000 Just think, what if it's not good or bad that you do that?

02:14:17.000 That you were wrong in the past?

02:14:19.000 What if it's just you can improve?

02:14:20.000 Just do it like that.

02:14:22.000 But you were really good at listening.

02:14:23.000 You were really good at changing, too.

02:14:25.000 Taking chances.

02:14:26.000 That's why you're still producing constant new material.

02:14:29.000 If there's anything that always bugs us about someone that we know, it's a guy who's got the same jokes for 10 years.

02:14:35.000 It's sad.

02:14:36.000 It's like, man, you don't have anything new to say?

02:14:38.000 You've got to have some new shit, man.

02:14:40.000 You've got to have some new shit.

02:14:43.000 Dice, that's the reason I shaved my beard.

02:14:44.000 Because Dice was the last straw.

02:14:46.000 He was like, shave your beard.

02:14:47.000 I was like, for your act.

02:14:48.000 And I was like, whoa.

02:14:49.000 And then I was like, instead of like, you're a doofus dice, like he always is, I was like, if Andrew Dice Clay, the legend of Andrew Dice Clay is telling me that it's good for my act, I'm like, hey, why?

02:14:58.000 And he goes, you're expressive and people can't see your expressions.

02:15:01.000 And I was like, it's gone.

02:15:03.000 It's gone.

02:15:03.000 I don't want to stop that.

02:15:04.000 But you look like a crazy dirtbag with a crazy beard, and I think that might be worth more.

02:15:08.000 That might be nice also.

02:15:09.000 That might be worth more.

02:15:10.000 You can see my expressions.

02:15:11.000 The whole beard moves.

02:15:12.000 Yeah, I don't think Dice gets that bearded, dirtbag look.

02:15:17.000 You definitely look younger.

02:15:18.000 Isn't it weird?

02:15:19.000 You look younger.

02:15:20.000 Everybody always says that when you shave your beard, you look younger, but you really do.

02:15:23.000 For whatever reason, it's more innocent.

02:15:24.000 Oh, babies are crying.

02:15:26.000 Shit's going on.

02:15:28.000 Alright, ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow we will join Freeway Ricky Ross, the real Rick Ross.

02:15:35.000 He's joining us again on the podcast.

02:15:39.000 That's the fake Rick Ross.

02:15:41.000 Yeah, you got the real one.

02:15:42.000 We got the real one.

02:15:43.000 The guy who this guy pretends to be.

02:15:46.000 The guy who went to jail for selling cocaine.

02:15:48.000 The guy whose cocaine sales funded the Conchas versus the Sandinistas in Nicaragua.

02:15:53.000 What?

02:15:54.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:15:55.000 That's the whole Ollie North thing.

02:15:57.000 They were funneling, they were selling drugs.

02:16:00.000 To raise money for it?

02:16:01.000 Uh-huh.

02:16:01.000 Like having a bake sale?

02:16:03.000 Exactly.

02:16:03.000 But with Coke?

02:16:04.000 With Coke.

02:16:04.000 So they would get the Coke.

02:16:06.000 Bravo, America!

02:16:07.000 Way to think outside the box.

02:16:08.000 They would get the coke to the poor communities.

02:16:11.000 Wow!

02:16:12.000 And everybody wins!

02:16:14.000 Everybody wins!

02:16:15.000 Oh!

02:16:16.000 Then we all go dancing.

02:16:18.000 So this guy got out of jail and there's a rapper that's got his name.

02:16:22.000 I mean, his name is Rick Ross.

02:16:23.000 Freeway Rick Ross.

02:16:24.000 He was known as being this huge...

02:16:26.000 I mean, I remember...

02:16:27.000 You can ask me if he killed anybody ever?

02:16:28.000 No.

02:16:29.000 You're never going to.

02:16:30.000 Disrespectful.

02:16:31.000 Okay.

02:16:31.000 I wouldn't do that.

02:16:32.000 The guy has been in the, you know, he was in the drug trade for years, got all over the news.

02:16:39.000 I mean, it was like a big deal.

02:16:40.000 It's like one of those things like when rappers call themselves Capone, you know, like Matt Capone.

02:16:44.000 Is he the one that was on Time Magazine with like drugs?

02:16:47.000 I don't think so.

02:16:47.000 Like holding him up?

02:16:48.000 That's when the government was like, go after that guy.

02:16:50.000 I don't think so.

02:16:51.000 Oh.

02:16:51.000 I don't think that's the case.

02:16:53.000 He was trying to stay as low-key as possible, but he got busted.

02:16:58.000 But the story is just insane.

02:17:01.000 He's got a rapper.

02:17:02.000 He's out.

02:17:03.000 He's out and free, and there's a rapper out there.

02:17:05.000 With his name.

02:17:06.000 Yeah, and so he's trying to sue the rapper.

02:17:07.000 Not just the same name.

02:17:08.000 It's my personality you're taking.

02:17:10.000 Yeah.

02:17:10.000 Well, not only was it even crazier, the rapper used to be a corrections officer.

02:17:15.000 Oh, really?

02:17:16.000 Yeah.

02:17:17.000 He was a prison guard, which is really nutty.

02:17:20.000 Wow.

02:17:20.000 Yeah, the whole thing is crazy.

02:17:22.000 He's building his albums like the greatest thing of all time.

02:17:24.000 He's on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine.

02:17:26.000 Look around right there, right behind you.

02:17:27.000 Look at that Rolling Stone.

02:17:28.000 You see that Rolling Stone?

02:17:30.000 That's him, man.

02:17:31.000 I bought that Rolling Stone just for the real Rick Ross, because to talk about it...

02:17:35.000 He's got tattoos of Abraham Lincoln from the Dollarville, from the Five, and George Washington from the One.

02:17:41.000 Yeah, that's a new thing that black dudes are doing, is they're covering their whole bodies with tattoos.

02:17:45.000 Tripoli says it, and I agree.

02:17:46.000 Black dudes look better in tats.

02:17:48.000 But this is a weird thing.

02:17:49.000 It goes with the skin better.

02:17:50.000 The rapper thing where they cover everything, and they cover their face.

02:17:53.000 Down at the back of his palm.

02:17:55.000 All tatted up.

02:17:56.000 It's got a weed leaf on it.

02:17:57.000 But that didn't exist before.

02:17:59.000 Isn't that weird?

02:17:59.000 You go back to the Superfly days.

02:18:01.000 It's because they have to keep outdoing each other.

02:18:03.000 Hmm.

02:18:03.000 I did a joke that never was able to work, but it's like every fucking grandmother has a tattoo now.

02:18:08.000 It's not a big deal.

02:18:09.000 So now what we're going to have to do is go to the next stage, which is what the ear things, you know, the ear things they push out?

02:18:13.000 Yeah.

02:18:14.000 And so then that's going to become blasé, and then we're going to have to do the plates that the African people had in their necks.

02:18:18.000 We're going to see that in our lifetime, so we're going to have the plates.

02:18:21.000 Black dudes are like, especially famous dudes, are doing a lot of face tattoos.

02:18:24.000 Yeah.

02:18:25.000 A lot of stars and shit.

02:18:27.000 I like it.

02:18:28.000 It's like, fuck it.

02:18:29.000 I'm not going to have a regular job.

02:18:30.000 One dude got an ice cream cone on his face.

02:18:32.000 Yeah, I remember that.

02:18:33.000 Who's that guy?

02:18:34.000 Some rapper.

02:18:35.000 Yeah.

02:18:35.000 It's not a white thing.

02:18:36.000 No.

02:18:37.000 Well, you could.

02:18:38.000 You could.

02:18:39.000 There was a guy, a bodybuilder that I saw at the airport that had a whole face tattoo.

02:18:44.000 He had a Tyson thing.

02:18:45.000 One of those New Zealand Tyson tattoo things.

02:18:48.000 Seguri did a great joke about it.

02:18:50.000 He was like, if you've got a face tattoo...

02:18:52.000 Because you want no interaction with any other human forever.

02:18:56.000 Something along those lines.

02:18:57.000 Something along those lines.

02:18:58.000 Yeah, it's obvious.

02:18:59.000 You want to scare everyone you come in contact with.

02:19:02.000 Yeah.

02:19:04.000 Yeah, isn't it weird?

02:19:05.000 We have certain spots in our body that mean certain things.

02:19:08.000 If you start tattooing your face...

02:19:10.000 We've all agreed.

02:19:10.000 No.

02:19:11.000 No.

02:19:12.000 You're getting nutty, son.

02:19:14.000 But over here on the wrist, that's okay.

02:19:16.000 Oh, that's nothing.

02:19:17.000 That's cute.

02:19:18.000 The ankle is cute.

02:19:19.000 It's sweet.

02:19:20.000 You know, the chain link around the bicep?

02:19:24.000 Yeah, that one.

02:19:25.000 Chain link, you can't get in these ribs.

02:19:27.000 Yo, bro, that shit's solid steel, dog.

02:19:30.000 Yeah, barbed wire.

02:19:31.000 Solid steel, dog.

02:19:34.000 AriTheGreat.com, you dirty bitches.

02:19:36.000 Follow Ari on Twitter, Ari Shafir, with two Fs.

02:19:38.000 That's A-R-I-S-H-A-F-F-I-R, dude.

02:19:44.000 Thank you.

02:19:44.000 Good luck with the CD. Thanks.

02:19:45.000 I got like 10 weeks on the road coming up.

02:19:47.000 Check my website for all of them.

02:19:48.000 When are you leaving?

02:19:49.000 When are you leaving for the road?

02:19:50.000 I got a wedding this weekend, but the next one is the 12th or the 14th.

02:19:53.000 Are you gone weeks at a time?

02:19:55.000 Are you going to do that thing?

02:19:56.000 I'm doing it once.

02:19:57.000 I'm doing Toronto and then straight to Indianapolis.

02:20:00.000 That's a 10-day run, but the rest of them are all back for a day or two.

02:20:02.000 See if you can come in right before Toronto.

02:20:04.000 Are you going to be here at all?

02:20:06.000 Yeah, right before Toronto.

02:20:07.000 I got three days before that.

02:20:08.000 Let's do that.

02:20:08.000 Let's do another one.

02:20:09.000 Let's do another podcast because that's right before.

02:20:11.000 And by the way, I'll have my studio up and running by then.

02:20:14.000 Okay.

02:20:14.000 At least the beginnings of it.

02:20:16.000 Any input you got on Twitter, anybody who knows anything about building a studio because I got a dope-ass office space now.

02:20:23.000 I'm ready to fucking...

02:20:24.000 I want to see it.

02:20:25.000 Oh, it's going to be killer, dude.

02:20:26.000 It's awesome.

02:20:26.000 Maybe that's Tuesday after Punch Drunk.

02:20:29.000 I can't wait to have like a, it's going to be like a Ravenite social club sort of a thing.

02:20:32.000 What do you mean?

02:20:33.000 The way you said it, like have loungy places and have beers and a fridge.

02:20:37.000 I'm going to have a pool table there, a couch, big screen TV. I'm going to have a real cool spot.

02:20:44.000 And then I'm going to have the studio, like where everybody sits down, as comfortable as possible.

02:20:49.000 I think we've figured it out now.

02:20:51.000 I think in doing the Ice House studio and doing this studio and doing Duncan's setup and doing my old setup, we know what you need.

02:20:59.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:21:00.000 It's like the way they brought Todd Glass in to tell him how to build helium or different clubs.

02:21:03.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:21:04.000 It's like, no, I know what's necessary.

02:21:05.000 Please trust me.

02:21:06.000 I've been through it.

02:21:08.000 Comfort.

02:21:09.000 Good sound.

02:21:10.000 And you can't have loungy chairs.

02:21:13.000 You've got to have office chairs.

02:21:14.000 Yeah, too far back.

02:21:15.000 These are the kind of chairs.

02:21:16.000 And these microphones are real good, but the better ones are these other ones that I've got here.

02:21:23.000 Shores.

02:21:24.000 Shores are less directional.

02:21:26.000 This has too much of a sweet spot.

02:21:28.000 And then there's another one that Don Imus uses.

02:21:31.000 This thing right here?

02:21:34.000 I'm going to try these next.

02:21:35.000 And these are the ones we have at the Ice House.

02:21:37.000 But I'm also going to try...

02:21:38.000 There's ones that I saw on the Don Imich show.

02:21:41.000 I forget the names of them.

02:21:42.000 But they are supposed to be the best for that kind of shit for radio.

02:21:46.000 And you don't have to put a windscreen over them.

02:21:48.000 And maybe you get a clearer sound.

02:21:50.000 Some people don't like the windscreen because it's like it gives you a little bit of a filtered sound.

02:21:54.000 Like Kevin Smith.

02:21:55.000 He takes the windscreen off when he came over here.

02:21:57.000 And he doesn't get that other...

02:21:58.000 No, he knows how to do it.

02:21:59.000 He knows how to manage it, but he just feels like it's really him that way.

02:22:02.000 Otherwise, this is like a muted...

02:22:03.000 I don't like the headphones sometimes.

02:22:05.000 Why is that?

02:22:06.000 Well, one, they hurt my ears when I have my glasses on.

02:22:08.000 So do you hear a difference between this and this?

02:22:11.000 Is there a difference?

02:22:12.000 Yeah, there's a total difference.

02:22:13.000 Yeah, there's a difference.

02:22:13.000 That sounds better, actually.

02:22:15.000 Sounds clear.

02:22:15.000 God damn it, these fucking stupid condoms.

02:22:18.000 You know why I got these?

02:22:19.000 Say Pete Piper, Pats of Piper, whatever.

02:22:21.000 Say something like that.

02:22:22.000 With a lot of P's or T's in it.

02:22:23.000 Peter Piper packed to pickled peppers.

02:22:25.000 Yeah, it sounds better.

02:22:26.000 It's a little pop, but not much.

02:22:28.000 But it sounds like a real person, right?

02:22:29.000 The mic you use on stage doesn't have windscreens.

02:22:32.000 Sometimes they do.

02:22:33.000 But those aren't good.

02:22:35.000 Yeah, this sucks.

02:22:36.000 Windscreens suck.

02:22:38.000 Maren told you to get something?

02:22:39.000 He probably told you to get the second best thing.

02:22:41.000 Probably held back whatever the first best thing was.

02:22:44.000 Oh, no.

02:22:44.000 He was very, very nice about it.

02:22:46.000 I want no part of this.

02:22:48.000 He was very forthcoming.

02:22:49.000 I'm kidding.

02:22:49.000 Maren and I have friends now.

02:22:51.000 I saw him.

02:22:51.000 I gave him a hug.

02:22:53.000 Me and Bert saw him last night at the UCB. Bert said it.

02:22:56.000 He goes, if Marc Maron is the nicest person there, something's wrong.

02:23:00.000 There's an attitude going on.

02:23:01.000 Yeah, everybody says that about the UCB. I don't go there.

02:23:04.000 I don't know how much perceived.

02:23:05.000 I've been there before.

02:23:06.000 But I remember reading something somewhere where it was like a forum blog or something like that, or a forum post where someone said, why is Joe Rogan at the UCB? Oh yeah, we did that once.

02:23:17.000 That's so weird.

02:23:19.000 Matt put it together and it was just like a good show.

02:23:21.000 That's not what I mean.

02:23:22.000 It's so weird that there's a type.

02:23:24.000 When they know about this type goes here and that type goes there.

02:23:27.000 Dude, there's a lot of overlap.

02:23:28.000 Bordy Stevens is everywhere.

02:23:29.000 It's so silly.

02:23:31.000 It's just so silly.

02:23:32.000 You know?

02:23:33.000 Yeah.

02:23:34.000 Like, people were surprised.

02:23:35.000 Ian Edwards really broke it down to me.

02:23:36.000 Yeah?

02:23:37.000 I met him, I was opening for Pauly, doing that sketch movie.

02:23:41.000 That hurts, just hearing it.

02:23:43.000 Yeah.

02:23:43.000 Take your condom off after service.

02:23:45.000 To feel dirty.

02:23:46.000 That comics, Natural Born Comics, whatever that video was.

02:23:49.000 Take that thing off.

02:23:50.000 Oh, I'll take the condom off.

02:23:51.000 Yeah.

02:23:52.000 Oh, that's better.

02:23:53.000 And you can see where you have to talk into, too.

02:23:56.000 But I saw him, and he did the Orlando Improv and the Miami Improv.

02:23:59.000 Mainstream clubs.

02:24:00.000 And he was very funny at those clubs.

02:24:02.000 And then I heard he was going to the UCB on their big alternative night.

02:24:04.000 And I was like, really?

02:24:05.000 You're performing there?

02:24:06.000 He goes, I do all the time.

02:24:07.000 I didn't know he'd come from New York.

02:24:08.000 He'd been there forever.

02:24:09.000 And I'm like, what kind of material did he do in front of those people?

02:24:12.000 And he stopped and he goes, dude, crowds is crowds.

02:24:15.000 It's true.

02:24:16.000 They don't care.

02:24:17.000 And I was like, whoa.

02:24:18.000 For the most part.

02:24:19.000 But you know what?

02:24:19.000 A lot of people, they do get a little elitist if they get used to going to that kind of a place.

02:24:25.000 Yeah, but there's also crowds don't know.

02:24:28.000 If they figure if you're there, you're supposed to be there.

02:24:29.000 And they'll be like, cool, we'll laugh.

02:24:31.000 They don't really give a shit.

02:24:33.000 Yeah, I don't know why anybody would restrict themselves to one type of comedy.

02:24:36.000 I've always been a fan.

02:24:39.000 I mean, I think anybody who knows this podcast knows that I'm a fan of some pretty crazy science and extraordinary ideas when it comes to quantum physics and the nature of the universe and nature of reality.

02:24:50.000 I like a lot of pretty heady, twisted up, deep shit about just the very nature of matter itself.

02:24:57.000 But I love stupid comedy.

02:24:59.000 It's It's fun.

02:25:00.000 Yeah, sure.

02:25:01.000 It's fun.

02:25:02.000 My first MC week for this guy, Brett Leak.

02:25:05.000 Do you remember him?

02:25:05.000 Brett Leak.

02:25:06.000 I remember the name.

02:25:07.000 He had muscular dystrophy and then it got worse and worse.

02:25:10.000 He was a killer observational comic.

02:25:12.000 Oh, really?

02:25:12.000 Did Tonight Show probably 10, 15 times.

02:25:14.000 But he said it was him and then some lady who did relationship comedy in the middle and then me being filthy MCing.

02:25:21.000 And he goes, I like a different kind of show.

02:25:23.000 Yeah.

02:25:23.000 It's a DC improv.

02:25:24.000 And he goes, I like three different people so nobody overlaps.

02:25:27.000 Yeah.

02:25:27.000 Yeah, I agree, man.

02:25:28.000 I'm not into the same kind of comedy all the time.

02:25:31.000 I like a Mitch Hedberg.

02:25:32.000 He was like squeaky clean.

02:25:34.000 Hedberg?

02:25:35.000 Yeah, squeaky clean.

02:25:36.000 Yeah, I guess he was, huh?

02:25:36.000 And then I like Joey Diaz.

02:25:37.000 Was Hedberg really clean?

02:25:39.000 Yeah, I guess he was.

02:25:39.000 And I like Joey Diaz talking about pinching a foil out of some girl's asshole.

02:25:43.000 Yeah.

02:25:43.000 He's bagging her in the ass and he felt foil at the tip of his dick.

02:25:46.000 So he reached in with his fingers, pulled it out, pulled it out of his desk and put his dick back in.

02:25:50.000 Yeah.

02:25:51.000 He's just the craziest motherfucker of all time.

02:25:54.000 Every time I'm with him, I just have this big smile.

02:25:56.000 Like, I can't believe this guy's my friend.

02:25:58.000 He gets you going.

02:25:59.000 Oh, this is what Bert said.

02:25:59.000 So he's meeting him for coffee?

02:26:01.000 Right.

02:26:01.000 And he goes, other people come up.

02:26:03.000 And he goes, I think he just sits there all day long and has people come meet him.

02:26:07.000 And just throughout the day, he just sits like an old Italian guy.

02:26:09.000 Who was it that he met?

02:26:11.000 Bert Kreischer.

02:26:11.000 Met who?

02:26:12.000 Joey Diaz.

02:26:13.000 Oh, where?

02:26:14.000 In the valley somewhere, in NoHo.

02:26:16.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

02:26:17.000 No, Joey can't sit still for very long.

02:26:19.000 He's got shit to do.

02:26:20.000 Maybe.

02:26:20.000 He might have done it for a few hours.

02:26:21.000 But he takes his phone calls, and he fucking, not texts.

02:26:23.000 He doesn't text, but he calls.

02:26:24.000 He wants you doing okay.

02:26:25.000 The one-minute phone calls he's a king of.

02:26:26.000 He's a legit businessman, though.

02:26:28.000 You've got to think about that now.

02:26:29.000 Joey's got real money.

02:26:31.000 He's doing great on the road.

02:26:32.000 Joey is killing them on the road.

02:26:34.000 He convinced me to put that last Storyteller show online.

02:26:37.000 Just put two dollars, just throw it up.

02:26:40.000 It's beautiful.

02:26:40.000 Why not?

02:26:41.000 It's beautiful.

02:26:42.000 Seeing him get to number one on iTunes was fucking incredible.

02:26:45.000 He sold like 35-40,000 copies of that CD just for himself.

02:26:50.000 Yeah.

02:26:50.000 And by the way, he's selling these testicle testaments.

02:26:52.000 He's selling these other things on iTunes, which are fucking fantastic.

02:26:56.000 He does a new hour and a half to two hours of story on something every month.

02:26:59.000 And they're fucking tremendous.

02:27:00.000 And they're great if you're in your car and you're driving to work or something like that.

02:27:03.000 Oh, God.

02:27:04.000 Slap one of those on.

02:27:05.000 You'll just have a big stupid smile on your face.

02:27:07.000 It's half hilarious and half really deep shit.

02:27:09.000 Yeah.

02:27:10.000 He's awesome.

02:27:11.000 Listen, we're lucky, man.

02:27:12.000 We're lucky we know a lot of comedians.

02:27:14.000 Yeah.

02:27:14.000 We are, for sure.

02:27:16.000 Where are you at this weekend?

02:27:18.000 I'm at a wedding.

02:27:19.000 Oh, poor pastor.

02:27:20.000 Cape Cod.

02:27:20.000 I'm at the comedy store in the factory on Friday.

02:27:22.000 Cape Cod, Massachusetts?

02:27:24.000 Uh-huh.

02:27:24.000 Somebody made you go across the country for their stupid fucking voodoo ceremony?

02:27:28.000 Yeah, I know the bride and the groom, but yeah, I felt bad about it.

02:27:31.000 Oh, Jesus!

02:27:31.000 Are you going to bring breast strips?

02:27:33.000 No, I'm going to bring marijuana.

02:27:34.000 A lot of marijuana?

02:27:35.000 Yeah.

02:27:35.000 I told them, too.

02:27:36.000 I was like, you know I've got to be on drugs on there.

02:27:38.000 Absolutely.

02:27:39.000 They knew it?

02:27:39.000 It's casual.

02:27:40.000 They knew you were going to be high?

02:27:41.000 Yeah.

02:27:42.000 You're going to have an edible?

02:27:44.000 Probably.

02:27:44.000 Not super strong.

02:27:45.000 I don't want to get bonkers.

02:27:47.000 You don't want to get social anxiety?

02:27:48.000 But I don't want to fucking, yeah, have the social anxiety.

02:27:51.000 No, if I don't go on something, I'll have it.

02:27:52.000 Yeah, you want to be high enough where it's cute.

02:27:54.000 I can relax.

02:27:55.000 Yeah.

02:27:56.000 Be like, aw, this is sweet.

02:27:58.000 They're getting married.

02:27:59.000 Maybe I'll cry when they say they're...

02:28:00.000 I'm a romantic.

02:28:01.000 Even though I'm believing that shit, I'm still like, something tugs at me when I see it.

02:28:04.000 Once in your life, you'll find out.

02:28:08.000 Yeah, no, you are, man.

02:28:09.000 You're a sweetie.

02:28:10.000 I've seen you with chicks, too.

02:28:11.000 You're a very affectionate guy.

02:28:13.000 I know.

02:28:13.000 A lot of people would think that Ari Shafir's got a cold heart.

02:28:15.000 I'm not an old dick.

02:28:16.000 It's not.

02:28:17.000 He's just been patted around a few times, and he's a little bruised on the outside, deep inside.

02:28:22.000 Somebody asked me this recently.

02:28:23.000 They're like, who hurt you?

02:28:24.000 And I'm like, all of them!

02:28:27.000 Every one of them.

02:28:28.000 Is that what you want to hear?

02:28:29.000 They all made me who I am.

02:28:31.000 Okay, write that down and say that on stage.

02:28:33.000 That's very important.

02:28:34.000 You need to write that down.

02:28:35.000 Somebody remind me.

02:28:36.000 That's a bit.

02:28:37.000 Yeah.

02:28:37.000 We'll get off this fucking podcast.

02:28:40.000 I carry notebooks now.

02:28:40.000 Write that down.

02:28:41.000 Write that down.

02:28:42.000 All of them.

02:28:43.000 Who hurt you?

02:28:44.000 All of them.

02:28:45.000 Are you happy?

02:28:46.000 All of them.

02:28:47.000 All right, you fucking dirty freaks.

02:28:49.000 Tomorrow, the real Rick Ross and Brian Redband will return as well.

02:28:52.000 Revenge for the Holocaust, September 25th.

02:28:55.000 Buy that shit.

02:28:56.000 You know what to do, you freaks.

02:28:57.000 What is it?

02:28:58.000 How much is it?

02:28:59.000 $7.99.

02:28:59.000 Jesus Christ, ladies and gentlemen.

02:29:01.000 On iTunes.

02:29:02.000 Go buy that shit.

02:29:04.000 And that's it.

02:29:06.000 The fucking show's over, you freaks.

02:29:08.000 Thanks, man.

02:29:08.000 Oh, thank you, man.

02:29:10.000 Always good time, man.

02:29:11.000 Thanks to Ting.com for opening us up.

02:29:13.000 Ting.

02:29:14.000 Yeah, sorry, Ting.

02:29:15.000 We kind of fucked you.

02:29:15.000 I will tell you this.

02:29:16.000 I'll help make it up.

02:29:17.000 I will give serious thought to Ting.

02:29:19.000 I'm done with my fucking Verizon contract now, and I was waiting for the new iPhone to come out, but if I can get one of those Samsungs before they go off the market, Yeah, get this before Apple fucks them.

02:29:28.000 Because they're going to.

02:29:30.000 This thing is the shit, man.

02:29:32.000 It's really huge.

02:29:34.000 I'm enjoying the size.

02:29:35.000 But it's thinner than the iPhone.

02:29:39.000 Yeah, it's definitely thinner.

02:29:41.000 It's definitely thinner this way.

02:29:43.000 It's just wider.

02:29:44.000 I don't know anything about it, like battery life or anything yet.

02:29:47.000 You just got it.

02:29:48.000 Yeah, I'm totally talking out of my ass.

02:29:50.000 Right now, I'm just like...

02:29:51.000 I've done nothing.

02:29:54.000 Go take your piss, son.

02:29:55.000 I haven't done nothing where I could tell you that this is an awesome device.

02:29:59.000 But it looks dope as fuck.

02:30:01.000 Alright, folks.

02:30:02.000 So go to rogan.ting.com and when you go there and you sign up, you'll get a $50 credit towards a new device.

02:30:10.000 And...

02:30:11.000 Like I said, we're only supporting things on this show that we 100% believe in.

02:30:16.000 Whether it's going to deathsquad.tv and buying t-shirts to support Brian Redman and the podcast network.

02:30:25.000 Whether it's to go to ting.com and support them.

02:30:29.000 Ting is a company and we believe in their philosophy and we're behind it.

02:30:35.000 Onnit.com, we're behind them, 100%.

02:30:38.000 I'm a part owner in Onnit because I love the philosophy behind the organization, and I love what the idea of selling things that I buy and things that I absolutely 100% enjoy and benefit from, like Alpha Brain and Shroom Tech and New Mood and Hemp Force Protein Powder, which is my favorite protein powder on Earth, and kettlebells and battle robes, which you know I do all day because I'm manly as fuck.

02:31:03.000 So go to Onnit.com.

02:31:05.000 That's O-N-N-I-T. And if you use the code name ROGAN, you will get 10% off any and all supplements.

02:31:12.000 And that's it.

02:31:13.000 So go to deskwad.tv.

02:31:15.000 Go buy yourself some fucking shirts.

02:31:17.000 Go to hireprimate.com if you want.

02:31:19.000 Hire-primate.com.

02:31:21.000 That's my t-shirt company.

02:31:22.000 And I have a bunch of different t-shirts, including a Joey Diaz.

02:31:26.000 If you're not high by 2 in the morning or 2 in the afternoon, go fuck yourself t-shirt.

02:31:29.000 That's available at Onnit.

02:31:31.000 We just restocked.

02:31:32.000 And that money, of course, goes to a big part of it, to the great one, Joe Diaz.

02:31:36.000 So your support, Joe Diaz.

02:31:37.000 Can we get a Worst of the Whites t-shirt?

02:31:39.000 Worst of the whites?

02:31:40.000 Yeah, that's for you.

02:31:40.000 That should be.

02:31:42.000 Who would you say?

02:31:42.000 The Italians were the worst of the whites?

02:31:44.000 No, no, no.

02:31:44.000 Persians?

02:31:45.000 Armenians, Persians.

02:31:46.000 Armenians, the worst of the whites.

02:31:47.000 I don't think you want to make that in a t-shirt form.

02:31:49.000 Armenians will fuck you up, man.

02:31:51.000 I love Armenians, man.

02:31:52.000 They will fuck you up.

02:31:53.000 Those are wild people.

02:31:55.000 Yeah, you need a better saying.

02:31:57.000 Yeah, but for you, yeah, we definitely should put out an Ari Shaffir t-shirt.

02:32:00.000 What it should be if you could have an Ari Shaffir t-shirt.

02:32:02.000 You must have said something fucked up.

02:32:04.000 You know what?

02:32:04.000 People contact us on Twitter.

02:32:06.000 Tell us the most fucked up thing.

02:32:07.000 Because sometimes people put things like in message board posts, in quotes, or on Twitter, in quotes.

02:32:11.000 And you're like, whoa.

02:32:12.000 What was the context of that?

02:32:13.000 I write people.

02:32:14.000 What was the context?

02:32:14.000 What was that about?

02:32:15.000 We appreciate the fuck out of it.

02:32:18.000 I say this all the time, but I only say it because it's 100% true.

02:32:23.000 The thing that I'm most blown away by is the amount of fucking cool people that we meet at these shows.

02:32:31.000 It's amazing.

02:32:33.000 I don't understand it.

02:32:35.000 I don't know how it all happened, but I do know that we're truly, truly thankful.

02:32:42.000 Yeah, you've got a lot of cool people.

02:32:43.000 I want to say humbled by it, but it is the word.

02:32:46.000 It's like, whoa.

02:32:48.000 Everywhere we go, everybody says the same thing.

02:32:50.000 These are the nicest crowds, the most generous crowds.

02:32:52.000 They always tip well.

02:32:53.000 They drink well and tip well.

02:32:55.000 Look, we're happy as fuck that we're connecting with you guys like that.

02:32:58.000 And then every message that I get where people say, hey man, because of you, I started drinking kale shakes in the morning.

02:33:03.000 I lost 50 pounds.

02:33:05.000 I'm working out for the first time.

02:33:06.000 Sometimes it's just overcoming the drive to not change.

02:33:10.000 Yes.

02:33:10.000 And once you overcome it, you're like, oh, what was I resisting?

02:33:12.000 Yeah, what am I resisting?

02:33:13.000 And it's also having people in this conversation, they tune in and they're a part of it.

02:33:18.000 Even though they're not saying anything, they might be saying something in their car.

02:33:21.000 They're like, yeah, fucking that fucking bitch.

02:33:24.000 That guy's an asshole!

02:33:25.000 There's a lot of people who live in a town of 2,000 and there's four cool people there.

02:33:28.000 And they tune into this and say, oh, fine, someone else is out there like this.

02:33:31.000 We recognize that this is an important part of your life.

02:33:34.000 This fucking show will always remain free.

02:33:36.000 This show will always remain completely uncensored.

02:33:39.000 If I tell you something, it's because I believe it, even if I'm wrong.

02:33:43.000 I believe that shit.

02:33:45.000 Go to the Lobero Theater this Saturday night, or this Friday night in Santa Barbara.

02:33:49.000 Duncan Trussell just added to the show.

02:33:51.000 We are so not fucking around.

02:33:53.000 That is the Lobero Theater in Santa Barbara.

02:33:57.000 Someone's calling me?

02:33:58.000 Who the fuck?

02:33:58.000 Who the fuck is calling me?

02:34:00.000 Bob Fisher from the Ice House.

02:34:01.000 Powerful Ice House.

02:34:03.000 So that's it, folks.

02:34:05.000 We will see you tomorrow from the Ice House, ironically, with the real Rick Ross.

02:34:10.000 Onnit.com, use the codename Rogan.

02:34:11.000 And by the way, you guys, the way you give back to us is by coming to our shows.

02:34:14.000 Yeah, listen, we love that.

02:34:15.000 That's the biggest payback we can ever get.

02:34:16.000 And, by the way, quite honestly, that's a nice absolute benefit.

02:34:21.000 The biggest benefit for True is knowing that people are enjoying it.

02:34:24.000 When I run into people, even that don't come to my shows, if I run into them at the mall or something like that, and they're like, dude, I'm a huge podcast fan, that makes me feel fucking great.

02:34:32.000 If I'm doing something and you're enjoying it, I'm happy.

02:34:35.000 Yeah.

02:34:36.000 That's how I believe life should be.

02:34:37.000 Alright, you fucking freaks?

02:34:39.000 This show's over.

02:34:40.000 Peace, love, and mushrooms.

02:34:41.000 Peace, love, mushrooms.

02:34:43.000 Go fuck yourself.

02:34:46.000 I don't even have any...

02:34:47.000 We're bad at going out, right?

02:34:49.000 I don't even have any controversial...

02:34:53.000 I don't have any controversial sponsors anymore.

02:34:56.000 I just want to end these things.

02:34:57.000 Invade Argentina.

02:34:59.000 Argentina's filled with nice people.

02:35:01.000 The fuck, man?

02:35:02.000 I don't know.

02:35:02.000 I'm trying to say something.

02:35:03.000 Listen, you freaks.

02:35:03.000 We love you.

02:35:04.000 We love the shit out of you.

02:35:05.000 Alright?

The Joe Rogan Experience - September 06, 2012

Joe Rogan Experience #261 - Ari Shaffir

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