The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #300

00:00:05.000 This fucking podcast was brought to you by me leaving the laptop volume on.

00:00:13.000 This podcast updated URL for audible.com.

00:00:17.000 If you go to audible.com forward slash Joe, you will know what I'm about to talk about, ladies and gentlemen.

00:00:23.000 What am I about to talk about?

00:00:24.000 You know what I didn't do the other day?

00:00:26.000 The last time my dumbass did the podcast, And did an audible ad.

00:00:33.000 I forgot to say the URL. I thought I did.

00:00:37.000 I think I said it at the end, but I didn't say it at the beginning.

00:00:40.000 Since Audible is a very nice customer and I think they have a great product, we're going to do it again.

00:00:49.000 Audible.com slash Joe.

00:00:51.000 You get Audible free for 30 days and you get a free audio book.

00:00:56.000 It's pretty fucking badass.

00:00:58.000 I've been reading this book called Sex at Dawn.

00:01:02.000 And it's Duncan Trussell turned me on to it, this guy, Dr. Christopher Ryan.

00:01:06.000 We're going to get him in on the podcast.

00:01:08.000 Really, really interesting stuff about how monkeys used to fuck Joe Diaz and how it turned us into people.

00:01:15.000 Fascinating.

00:01:16.000 Edumacate yourself, ladies and gentlemen, and do it through audible.com.

00:01:20.000 The beautiful thing about Audible is that not only do they have a fuckload of audio books that you can listen to, But they also have a thing called Whisper Sync for the Amazon Kindle Fire.

00:01:32.000 And it's amazing.

00:01:34.000 What it is is you read the book, say if you're reading it on the Kindle, and then you get in your car, it syncs up to your phone, so it plays you the audio version read by professional actors.

00:01:44.000 Incredible.

00:01:44.000 It syncs up to where you left off.

00:01:46.000 So if you leave off the beginning of page 34, boom, that's where it picks up in your car.

00:01:50.000 That's crazy.

00:01:51.000 It's awesome.

00:01:52.000 It makes commuting so much better.

00:01:54.000 As does podcasting.

00:01:56.000 And you listen, we hear that from you people all the time, and we appreciate the fuck out of it.

00:02:01.000 We really, really do.

00:02:02.000 I think Jamie's about to lock the door and he shouldn't.

00:02:07.000 But the Audible.com sponsorship is, for me, it's a great one because Audible has done a lot to support comedians.

00:02:15.000 There's a lot of comedy shows and comedy CDs and stuff that's on Audible.

00:02:19.000 And back in the day, Audible, when the internet was really young, Audible was taking a lot of chances with comedians.

00:02:25.000 And I know they had Steve Marmel and a couple other guys.

00:02:28.000 They did weekly shows that they uploaded to Audible.

00:02:32.000 All the new stuff of the week.

00:02:33.000 They tried to do five or ten minutes of new stand-up each week.

00:02:37.000 And it was a lot of pressure to do to come up with that kind of material that you'd want recorded.

00:02:42.000 Audible is pretty badass.

00:02:43.000 I like that.

00:02:44.000 Audible.com forward slash Joe.

00:02:45.000 Go there.

00:02:46.000 You get 30 days for free and you get a free audio book.

00:02:50.000 You fuckers.

00:02:51.000 You fuckers.

00:02:53.000 We're also brought to you, as always, by Onnit.com.

00:02:56.000 Onnit.com, makers of supplements, fitness equipment, and even food.

00:03:03.000 You don't have to lock it yet, man.

00:03:04.000 He's not done.

00:03:05.000 He's got to fix something.

00:03:08.000 If you go to Onnit, you will see all the various new things that we sell.

00:03:13.000 We have medicine balls now, and wall balls, these balls you throw up against the wall, and these things called steel bells.

00:03:21.000 They're really awkward and heavy, and you pick them up and fucking slam them and throw them.

00:03:25.000 Battle ropes.

00:03:27.000 Kettlebells and all the stuff that we sell is the type of fitness equipment that you're seeing if you're watching any shows where you see UFC countdown shows where guys have to do these brutal strength and conditioning workouts.

00:03:43.000 There's a lot of guys who don't like doing this stuff.

00:03:45.000 A lot of guys just like to do their martial arts workouts and that's it.

00:03:50.000 But the guys who are doing strength and conditioning, they have a significant advantage.

00:03:55.000 And that advantage is this stuff is fucking brutal, but it puts your body in incredible shape for work.

00:04:01.000 If you can get through a kettlebell workout like the Keith Weber kettlebell workouts that we sell on it, those are the ones that we had talked about for a long-ass time before we had ever gotten them to sell.

00:04:13.000 They were so good, I just kept talking about it.

00:04:15.000 It wasn't that I was...

00:04:19.000 I'm just completely being honest.

00:04:21.000 His kettlebell DVD beats my ass.

00:04:24.000 It's called the Extreme Kettlebell Cardio Workout.

00:04:28.000 It's fucking wicked.

00:04:30.000 I mean, it's the best cardio kettlebell workout I've ever done.

00:04:33.000 It's a motherfucking heart attack with a 35-pound kettlebell.

00:04:36.000 For real.

00:04:37.000 It's a heart attack.

00:04:38.000 It's badass.

00:04:39.000 I love it.

00:04:39.000 That's on OnIt.com.

00:04:41.000 Along with AlphaBrain, ShroomTech, all the various supplements, all of them are explained on Onnit.com, if you don't know what the fuck we're talking about, and if you use the code name ROGAN. You save 10% off any and all of those supplements.

00:04:54.000 You dirty bitches.

00:04:56.000 Joey motherfucking Diaz is here, ladies and gentlemen.

00:04:58.000 And this is our 300th episode.

00:05:03.000 Praise Shiva.

00:05:04.000 Praise Odin.

00:05:06.000 The gods have aligned and brought us to 300 fucking episodes.

00:05:10.000 Red band, high five.

00:05:12.000 We did it.

00:05:13.000 Here we are.

00:05:14.000 And we're here with the baddest motherfucker in the history of the universe.

00:05:16.000 Joey, go.

00:05:17.000 Marco Diaz.

00:05:18.000 Bam!

00:05:19.000 Motherfuckers!

00:05:28.000 Yeah!

00:05:29.000 I got one thing to say.

00:05:31.000 First of all, I got a bunch of things to say.

00:05:33.000 I want to say, Skullcandy, thanks for sending us these awesome headphones.

00:05:36.000 But Skullcandy, why do you have a fucking button that shuts them off?

00:05:39.000 Because if I'm DJing...

00:05:41.000 This button is silly.

00:05:42.000 That's a silly bitch of a button.

00:05:44.000 Well, it's just because we constantly, accidentally hit it and we think something more insane is broke.

00:05:50.000 And so then we're trying to...

00:05:51.000 Fix something that doesn't...

00:05:53.000 Yeah, the podcast was delayed by a solid 20 seconds because I was scrambling to try to figure out how to fix that shit.

00:05:58.000 Last night a DJ saved my life Joey Coco Diaz will be joining me and our pal Douglas Stanhope who will also be on the podcast this Saturday afternoon and Joey Coco Diaz will be joining me and Doug Stanhope and Honey Honey Band Friday at the end of the world.

00:06:20.000 Basically sold out.

00:06:21.000 There's like single tickets left that are scattered around the room.

00:06:24.000 People coming in from all over the world.

00:06:26.000 We're very excited, and we're hoping that if we have a good show, the world won't actually end.

00:06:31.000 Yeah.

00:06:31.000 I think we can keep it together.

00:06:32.000 I think we can keep this simulation together, Joe Diaz.

00:06:35.000 What do you think?

00:06:36.000 I hope so, brother.

00:06:37.000 I hope so.

00:06:38.000 I don't want it to end.

00:06:39.000 It's too much fun.

00:06:40.000 Fuck no, but a lot of things have been happening, so, you know, a lot of weird shit happened this year, so maybe they're not to something, but I don't think it's going to end.

00:06:49.000 I think it's just changed how we're living.

00:06:51.000 There's something that we were talking about before the show where there's a page that shows all the various...

00:06:59.000 I retweeted it.

00:07:00.000 It shows all these school shootings and what drugs the young kids were on.

00:07:06.000 Whether it was 14-year-olds on Prozac, whether it's Paxil, Zoloft, I mean, it's incredible.

00:07:16.000 If you look at the history of school shootings from, you know, I mean, it goes all the way back to 1992. Kids that were on drugs that were in the 1990s, they were putting people on different meds and Some of these kids wind up being school shooters.

00:07:36.000 Does that mean the kid wasn't already fucked up and wasn't already really troubled to begin with and maybe the fucking drugs kept him from doing something even more horrible earlier?

00:07:44.000 I don't know.

00:07:45.000 But you gotta look at this.

00:07:47.000 This thing is crazy.

00:07:48.000 It's like 2008, school shooting, Paxil withdrawal.

00:07:52.000 Prozac withdrawal, rather.

00:07:54.000 2008, Prozac and Paxil.

00:07:58.000 Zoloft.

00:07:59.000 Med for depression.

00:08:00.000 Med for depression.

00:08:01.000 Med for depression withdrawal.

00:08:05.000 Antidepressant.

00:08:05.000 Zoloft.

00:08:06.000 Antidepressant.

00:08:07.000 Antidepressant.

00:08:08.000 And this is like, each school shooting, each one of these kids is on one of these fucking things.

00:08:14.000 SSRIs, meds for depression, antidepressant.

00:08:17.000 I mean, I'm reading off, like, virtually every school shooting.

00:08:21.000 I mean, this is a fucking crazy situation if every one of those shooters is on psych meds.

00:08:28.000 Does that mean that the psych meds are causing it?

00:08:31.000 No.

00:08:32.000 No, that doesn't mean that.

00:08:33.000 What it does mean is that you're dealing with some very fucked up people, which we know by the results.

00:08:39.000 But that...

00:08:41.000 That connection should at least be investigated.

00:08:45.000 We need to understand what the fuck is going on.

00:08:47.000 Even if it's only a small percentage of the population who have these psychotic episodes, how many people have very similar thoughts and don't act?

00:08:55.000 How many people have extreme feelings of detachment and don't report it?

00:08:59.000 Does that map show the people that are not on anything also?

00:09:03.000 Like, no prescription medicine?

00:09:04.000 No, this one is just all of the different school shootings that were connected to kids on drugs.

00:09:11.000 Let's Google that, though.

00:09:12.000 That's a really good point.

00:09:13.000 Yeah, because what if it was like, you know, 90% not on something?

00:09:16.000 Yeah, well, I don't think so, because there would have to be too many shootings.

00:09:20.000 There's so many in the Prozac ones.

00:09:22.000 It's like, come on, how many have there been?

00:09:24.000 There's so many in the antidepressant one.

00:09:27.000 School shootings from kids not on antidepressants.

00:09:30.000 Joey, did you have a lot of people in your school growing up that brought guns?

00:09:34.000 Or did you ever have any?

00:09:35.000 No.

00:09:35.000 That didn't exist, right?

00:09:36.000 This is just something.

00:09:37.000 I was just thinking about Joe's age.

00:09:39.000 Because I wanted to ask Joe a question.

00:09:41.000 When you were in the 8th, 7th, and 6th grade, if a kid went to the meds office to take meds in the daytime, we all thought he was fucking crazy.

00:09:51.000 We all thought he was crazy when I was a kid.

00:09:53.000 I never heard of all these pills till lately.

00:09:56.000 Me personally, when a parent tells me that their kid's on something, I want to smack the parent.

00:10:01.000 But again, it's none of my business how you raise your child.

00:10:04.000 I have my own problems.

00:10:05.000 But you're giving these, like I told Joe, you're giving these kids pills, and it really is because you're not...

00:10:12.000 You're not working on parenting.

00:10:14.000 You're cutting yourself short.

00:10:15.000 Whatever the fuck it is, your kid needs attention.

00:10:18.000 Somebody told me that with children, you have to put the time in now, or if not, you have to put the time in later.

00:10:23.000 When he had his daughters, both his daughters, he was very involved.

00:10:28.000 You know, we sit and talk like men on this podcast.

00:10:30.000 After the situation on Friday, I read everybody.

00:10:33.000 I didn't say anything on Twitter or Facebook.

00:10:35.000 I'm not one of those people who's going to talk shit because I don't know what the fuck's going on.

00:10:39.000 I wasn't there.

00:10:40.000 But I will tell you where I was.

00:10:41.000 Between the ages of seven and ten, my mother was married to a very violent man.

00:10:47.000 Not towards me or my mother, but he was very violent.

00:10:50.000 I.e., I seen him shoot somebody in the leg when I was eight.

00:10:53.000 Shoot!

00:10:54.000 Not hear about it, not because somebody told me.

00:10:57.000 I seen him throw two wicked beatings on people, and I seen him stab a few people.

00:11:01.000 His weapon of choice was having a knife.

00:11:03.000 Do you know when I was eight, Joe, my mother had the big house with the bedrooms, but she made my bedroom the attic, and I was very scared of sleeping up there.

00:11:12.000 And I would throw a tantrum like any other child who's eight or seven.

00:11:15.000 You have children.

00:11:15.000 We're scared.

00:11:16.000 We heard the boogeyman.

00:11:17.000 Do you know this guy used to give me a gun with a silencer?

00:11:21.000 When you were eight?

00:11:22.000 Eight.

00:11:22.000 Give me a gun with a silence.

00:11:23.000 He said, there ain't no spirits.

00:11:24.000 If you see a spirit, you shoot him.

00:11:26.000 And I put the thing down next to him, and I go to bed.

00:11:28.000 And he come up in the morning before my mother come up, and he go, give me the gun back.

00:11:32.000 And I give him the gun with the fucking silence, and he go downstairs.

00:11:35.000 This is Juan Tuerro now.

00:11:37.000 I've been ashamed to tell this story, but I have to admit it.

00:11:39.000 Why?

00:11:40.000 You ever see me fucking...

00:11:41.000 You ever see me with a weapon and a knife?

00:11:43.000 A gun is crazy.

00:11:44.000 You, Redman?

00:11:44.000 No.

00:11:45.000 Have I ever taken a weapon out of my car?

00:11:46.000 Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, though.

00:11:48.000 Wasn't there a Jay Moore situation?

00:11:49.000 Yeah.

00:11:50.000 Yeah, but I didn't have a gun.

00:11:52.000 You told him you had a gun.

00:11:53.000 No, I had a gun three doors away as protection, but I didn't have it on me.

00:11:58.000 I still have that gun.

00:11:59.000 But what happened in that?

00:12:00.000 No, it doesn't matter what I'm talking about.

00:12:02.000 But it does matter.

00:12:03.000 No, no, no.

00:12:04.000 What I'm talking about here is that you've never ever seen me, you know, I never snapped.

00:12:10.000 One had a 007 knife, which your generation remembers.

00:12:13.000 I remember those.

00:12:14.000 It was like a buck knife.

00:12:15.000 Like a buck knife with a fucking wooden handle that actually said 007. Yeah, 007. That was what he carried in his fucking painter's pants.

00:12:23.000 In the 70s, when you wore painter's pants, it didn't mean that you were a painter.

00:12:27.000 It means you were packing fucking a knife that would stab your fucking throat off.

00:12:31.000 Well, if you're in Arizona and you see a gentleman with a fanny pack on, there's a gun in that thing, most likely.

00:12:36.000 Especially if he's got his shirt tucked into his pants.

00:12:39.000 I was raised around weapons from that age?

00:12:42.000 I was raised around...

00:12:43.000 Drugs.

00:12:44.000 And at 15, whatever, I had a bad situation that happened in my house.

00:12:48.000 And I was still connected with weapons or whatever.

00:12:51.000 You know what?

00:12:51.000 It never gave me the urge to take a weapon and shoot somebody or whatever.

00:12:54.000 As angry as I was at the world.

00:12:57.000 But I guarantee if I had thrown some kind of drug on me at the age of 12 or 13, I would have possibly been able to do something like that.

00:13:06.000 So there's different variables here, Joe.

00:13:08.000 I was raised around weapons.

00:13:09.000 So for them to say it's a weapon's fault breaks my fucking heart.

00:13:13.000 That's not fair.

00:13:14.000 I was raised around weapons and I'm unstable.

00:13:16.000 We've all agreed on that situation in the fucking room.

00:13:20.000 So when I hear that shit, it breaks my heart.

00:13:23.000 So, do you think that it's possible?

00:13:25.000 Like, you've been in altered states of consciousness where you went on benders and you weren't in the right frame of mind.

00:13:30.000 You know, could you imagine that some of these people could be on something that really sort of disconnects them with the normal everyday feelings that we all have?

00:13:42.000 I mean, we don't understand what the real developmental effects of a lot of these things are.

00:13:47.000 We have vague ideas of whether or not it's quote-unquote helping people.

00:13:51.000 But there's not a lot known about the long-term effects of raising young people on these types of medications.

00:13:58.000 There hasn't been hundreds of years of research done on it.

00:14:01.000 You know, there hasn't been a lot of anecdotal evidence that's been studied and carefully reviewed.

00:14:06.000 There's a lot of people pushing shit on kids just to calm them the fuck down.

00:14:10.000 And they're not exactly sure what the repercussions are going to be when that guy turns 25. At 18, we're not stable.

00:14:15.000 We weren't stable, Joe.

00:14:16.000 I wasn't stable.

00:14:16.000 I know you weren't.

00:14:17.000 I know I definitely weren't.

00:14:18.000 I got super lucky, man.

00:14:20.000 I could have gone down some really bad roads, but I found martial arts at a really early age.

00:14:26.000 So by the time I was 15, I was completely obsessed with martial arts.

00:14:30.000 That's all I did with my time.

00:14:31.000 And I watched all these kids around me thrashing around trying to find their place in the world and not having anything that tests them or defines them.

00:14:41.000 And I realized very early on that I was really lucky to find the martial arts.

00:14:46.000 And even though martial arts consumed me To the point where I paid very little attention to school work.

00:14:51.000 I didn't give a fuck about school work, dude.

00:14:53.000 I didn't give a fuck.

00:14:54.000 I had nightmares that I was going to fail and have to go back because in my nightmares I was trying to figure out whether I'd go back at all, whether I'd just tell them to go fuck themselves.

00:15:02.000 I thought about telling them to go fuck themselves when I was 16 because I heard that you can quit school when you were 16. I'm like, what am I getting out of this that I can't get out of books?

00:15:10.000 This is not...

00:15:11.000 I guess socially am I getting something out of it?

00:15:13.000 I was trying to analyze it myself.

00:15:15.000 But I barely paid attention.

00:15:17.000 All I gave a fuck was training.

00:15:18.000 That's all I cared about.

00:15:19.000 I quit.

00:15:20.000 Did you quit?

00:15:21.000 What year was it?

00:15:21.000 My senior year.

00:15:22.000 You just said fuck it.

00:15:23.000 I had to quit.

00:15:24.000 I needed to make a living.

00:15:25.000 And then I ended up going back in January and I felt really bad about quitting.

00:15:30.000 Did you get a GED or a diploma?

00:15:32.000 There was two political genres in my hometown.

00:15:36.000 So the one political genre was the one that pushed me.

00:15:39.000 The other political genre wanted me to fuck out of there.

00:15:41.000 So by the time I got back in, the other political genre was in and they said I missed graduating by a credit.

00:15:47.000 I had no reason to walk down and get a graduate anyway, because I had no family there.

00:15:51.000 So I didn't give a fuck about a diploma or shaking somebody's hand.

00:15:53.000 But it was important to me to get a diploma that was a credit short.

00:15:57.000 And they tried to give me like a credit for football, but they said it wasn't counting.

00:16:01.000 So I ended up having to go to summer school.

00:16:02.000 I told them to suck my dick, and I got a GED in Colorado.

00:16:05.000 And then went to fucking school anyway.

00:16:08.000 You know, it didn't really matter.

00:16:09.000 I got accepted into a college anyway, so it really didn't fucking matter to me.

00:16:14.000 Yeah, if you can get into a community college and show good grades, then you can get into a better college.

00:16:19.000 But at that age, I thought that quitting high school was the beginning of the end.

00:16:22.000 At that age, I really thought I was going to end up.

00:16:24.000 I did too.

00:16:25.000 Well, I went to college.

00:16:27.000 The whole reason I went to college was so that people didn't think I was a loser.

00:16:31.000 The whole reason.

00:16:32.000 100%.

00:16:32.000 So that I could say, I'm going to college.

00:16:35.000 I had no business there.

00:16:37.000 Because again, that was when I was 18 and all I was thinking about was competing.

00:16:41.000 That's all I was doing.

00:16:42.000 I was obsessed.

00:16:43.000 I was not good at doing a bunch of different things.

00:16:47.000 If I had a girlfriend, one of my problems was my first girlfriend in high school, when she first started banging, I cease and desist at all other activities.

00:16:56.000 We all do.

00:16:57.000 Everything, yeah.

00:16:58.000 We all do.

00:16:58.000 Yeah, but nothing.

00:16:59.000 I didn't do anything else.

00:17:00.000 I was just, I was obsessed and hanging around with this girl.

00:17:02.000 Why do you think I got left back in the seventh grade for?

00:17:04.000 Because I fucking, I'm that stupid?

00:17:06.000 No, the fucking monkey drove me fucking nuts.

00:17:09.000 The monkey.

00:17:10.000 I know.

00:17:10.000 I'm sorry to interrupt you.

00:17:12.000 Go ahead.

00:17:12.000 So what happened?

00:17:13.000 Did you quit everything?

00:17:14.000 Karate!

00:17:14.000 I quit talking no.

00:17:15.000 I quit talking no for months.

00:17:17.000 For months I didn't train.

00:17:18.000 And then I finally, I don't know whether I got tired of fucking her or I just came to my senses.

00:17:23.000 I got back there and started training again.

00:17:25.000 And then I became obsessed with that again and not as much her.

00:17:28.000 Was that your first love?

00:17:29.000 That same broad?

00:17:30.000 Yeah.

00:17:31.000 Yeah, definitely.

00:17:32.000 That was my first love too.

00:17:33.000 The one that fucked me up completely.

00:17:35.000 Well, I had two at the same time during that period of time.

00:17:39.000 Sort of an on and off situation, when one of them wouldn't work out, then the other one would somehow or another magically wind up being single at the same time.

00:17:48.000 For a couple years, it went back and forth.

00:17:50.000 But one was way closer to one than the other.

00:17:53.000 One was actually really cool.

00:17:54.000 She was pretty smart, interesting.

00:17:56.000 She had a single mom.

00:17:58.000 She was interesting.

00:17:59.000 She was smart.

00:18:02.000 She went on to be like, she works for the government or some shit like that.

00:18:07.000 She did some computer work for the government.

00:18:10.000 I forget we were in our early twenties and she was explaining to me what she does.

00:18:14.000 It's very, very, you know, very interesting to be in touch with someone from the time you knew them when you were 14. You're just fingering each other and jerking each other off to, like, all of a sudden she works for the government.

00:18:26.000 You know, a grown-up human being.

00:18:28.000 It's like, all right, I guess we're real live adults now.

00:18:31.000 Dog, the one I was in love with, I used to go roller skiing with her and shit on the weekends, and we'd hold hands.

00:18:36.000 But she wouldn't give me the pussy.

00:18:38.000 She'd just let me dry hump in a debt.

00:18:39.000 And I would dry hump in a earth, wind, and fire every fucking afternoon.

00:18:43.000 But she was in love with Donny Osmond.

00:18:44.000 Remember Donny Osmond had a show with Marita on Friday nights?

00:18:47.000 I was going to fuck Donny Osmond, dog.

00:18:49.000 That was my competition.

00:18:51.000 Then when she realized she couldn't have Donny Osmond, she let me give her a little tap, and it set me off, dog.

00:18:56.000 It's amazing that I never got this girl pregnant.

00:18:59.000 We didn't use any birth control.

00:19:02.000 We were just pulling out.

00:19:03.000 I was like, you know, 15 or 16 or something like that.

00:19:07.000 And we fucked all day.

00:19:08.000 We fucked every day.

00:19:10.000 If there was some ovulation, we were fucking while she was ovulating.

00:19:13.000 What do you think that is?

00:19:14.000 Because there's a lot of times where it's like that.

00:19:16.000 It's luck.

00:19:16.000 You get lucky.

00:19:17.000 You got lucky.

00:19:19.000 Were you eating pussy and ass and everything at that age, Joe Rogan?

00:19:21.000 Were you eating pussy like, savagely?

00:19:23.000 Not ass.

00:19:24.000 No, I wasn't eating ass.

00:19:26.000 First of all, back then, it wasn't the same.

00:19:29.000 Because ass was like hairy.

00:19:31.000 If you went down on a girl, there was fucking hair everywhere.

00:19:35.000 Nobody did anything about it.

00:19:36.000 They didn't trim it.

00:19:37.000 They just let it go.

00:19:38.000 It was bananas.

00:19:41.000 Dude, I dated a girl when I was in my really early 20s, and I took her pants off, and I was just shocked.

00:19:47.000 I was flabbergasted.

00:19:48.000 I was like, how could you just leave it like that?

00:19:51.000 She was Italian, and it was ridiculous.

00:19:53.000 It was asshole to pussy all the way up to the size of the thighs.

00:19:59.000 It was just chaos.

00:20:00.000 It was unbelievable chaos.

00:20:02.000 In between that pussy and that asshole, it's a little wang.

00:20:05.000 It smells like a garlic hot dog or some shit.

00:20:09.000 Why is that repulsive?

00:20:11.000 I love it.

00:20:12.000 But what is it about like asshole hair and all that stuff that's gross?

00:20:15.000 What is it about that?

00:20:16.000 But it is.

00:20:18.000 Girls shave their legs, you know, so you're used to girls not having hair at all.

00:20:21.000 I never thought it was disgusting when you're eating that pussy and it's swampy and there's hair and shit all over your fucking face, I'm telling you.

00:20:28.000 Someone said that women started shaving their legs during World War II because that's when they were running out of pantyhose.

00:20:36.000 Does that make any sense?

00:20:37.000 Yeah, kinda.

00:20:39.000 That doesn't make any sense to me.

00:20:40.000 When do women start shaving their legs?

00:20:42.000 As soon as they realize that men would fuck them harder if they didn't have hair on their legs.

00:20:45.000 Right?

00:20:46.000 Yeah.

00:20:47.000 I guess.

00:20:48.000 Yeah, I don't mind a little ripe pussy, but the worst is there's so many things going on, like yeast infections and things like that.

00:20:56.000 What kind of girls are you dating, son?

00:20:58.000 You know where yeast infections come from?

00:21:00.000 One of the big reasons?

00:21:02.000 From ass to vagina?

00:21:03.000 Yeah.

00:21:04.000 There's a little of that.

00:21:05.000 And that's actually even more dangerous because that's like E. coli.

00:21:08.000 You can have real problems.

00:21:10.000 You can die.

00:21:11.000 You can have septic pussy and rot out from the inside.

00:21:14.000 What I was going to say is it's from other dudes shooting loads into the same hole.

00:21:18.000 Really?

00:21:19.000 Yeah, it's nature letting you know she's a skank.

00:21:22.000 It does happen with some girls.

00:21:24.000 For whatever reason, it's like a warning sign that those loads are battling to the death in there.

00:21:30.000 And as they're battling to the death in there, she gets some sort of a weird bacterial infection.

00:21:35.000 Men can get yeast infections also, I found out.

00:21:38.000 I was Googling it to see if I had one once.

00:21:43.000 And then it's like, oh, you could just use Dr. Scholl's, you know, if you're a guy.

00:21:47.000 So, like, you could use, like, foot spray on it to kill it if you're a guy, but don't do it if you're a girl because you have to spray it inside you.

00:21:53.000 Let me tell you something, guys.

00:21:54.000 I have fucked women from every aspect of life.

00:21:56.000 What I'm saying is, like, bars, Coke fucking haunts.

00:22:00.000 Coke haunts.

00:22:01.000 You know, airplanes.

00:22:02.000 You know, we've gotten our dick sucked.

00:22:04.000 There's comedians after clubs and fucked them with no condoms.

00:22:08.000 I'll tell you what.

00:22:08.000 I've never gotten a disease.

00:22:10.000 You know who I got diseases from?

00:22:12.000 College girls.

00:22:13.000 Those are the filthiest little motherfuckers out there.

00:22:16.000 Those little keg-going dirty fucks that get fucked and they don't remember all that shit.

00:22:22.000 Them filthy fucks.

00:22:23.000 Those are the filthy motherfuckers.

00:22:25.000 I got that chlamydia shit where you had that yogurt coming out of your throat.

00:22:29.000 And then I gave it to the chick.

00:22:30.000 I had that now.

00:22:31.000 I mean, I'm fucking 50. I had it when I was 28. I caught it from a waitress at the broker, a joker.

00:22:37.000 I was a comic there.

00:22:39.000 I was the house emcee on Tuesdays.

00:22:40.000 Where is it?

00:22:41.000 In Boulder.

00:22:42.000 That's why I started comedy.

00:22:43.000 It's called The Broker?

00:22:43.000 The Broker Inn.

00:22:44.000 They used to have The Broker, Joker.

00:22:47.000 And on Wednesday nights, Tuesday nights, it was sponsored by, what was the other beer in the 90s beside Heineken?

00:22:54.000 Coors?

00:22:54.000 That was Germany.

00:22:55.000 No, no.

00:22:55.000 Bex?

00:22:56.000 Bex.

00:22:57.000 It was Bex Comedy Night.

00:22:58.000 So the Bex would give me a deuce.

00:23:00.000 Bex fell off.

00:23:01.000 Yeah, they were done.

00:23:02.000 What happened with Bex?

00:23:03.000 Fuck, they made me the house MC. Fuck those cocksuckers, right?

00:23:08.000 And I banged her in the fucking, and I banged her first for like a year.

00:23:12.000 I was in love with this college chick.

00:23:14.000 I kept getting itches.

00:23:15.000 This chick had more fucking diseases.

00:23:17.000 One day I go to eat that little monkey, and you can see like where the chlamydia leaked out of her monkey, and it dried, and whatever.

00:23:23.000 It was like paint after you paint it, and the fucking monkey just dries on the wall and shit like that.

00:23:29.000 I didn't go to the doctor either.

00:23:32.000 That time I got chlamydia.

00:23:33.000 I didn't know until years later.

00:23:34.000 I asked somebody, what happened to chlamydia?

00:23:36.000 Because nobody died.

00:23:37.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:23:37.000 I didn't go to the doctor in those days.

00:23:39.000 I was 28. I was too busy slinging dick.

00:23:41.000 What do they do for you?

00:23:42.000 They give you a shot?

00:23:43.000 Does your body fight it off if you don't get a shot?

00:23:46.000 For chlamydia?

00:23:46.000 Yeah.

00:23:47.000 I don't know.

00:23:47.000 I think that's something if you get a doctor.

00:23:49.000 I didn't go to the doctor.

00:23:50.000 I didn't find out until years later when I was embarrassed and I had somebody coked up.

00:23:54.000 I said, listen.

00:23:55.000 When you get that little white yogurt that comes out of your pussy and just dries mid-level.

00:23:59.000 What is that?

00:24:00.000 It's chlamydia or some shit like that.

00:24:02.000 See, I thought because it had the word clit in it, you couldn't get it.

00:24:06.000 No, no.

00:24:06.000 You're a filthy fuck.

00:24:08.000 I think she's got a Korean roommate that gave me something to do.

00:24:11.000 That's Ohio suburbs 14-year-old science.

00:24:15.000 It's like penis...

00:24:17.000 Dribbles or something like that.

00:24:18.000 You can't, like, if you have a vagina, you couldn't get that.

00:24:20.000 Oh, I get it.

00:24:20.000 You know what I mean?

00:24:21.000 Chlamydia, because it has cladoris in it.

00:24:23.000 The Korean roommate, that when she went to New York, gave me something, too.

00:24:27.000 That wasn't a venereal disease.

00:24:29.000 I was like a rash.

00:24:30.000 I just scratched my fucking skin off my nutsack.

00:24:32.000 And what'd you do about that?

00:24:33.000 At that time, I had to go to the pharmacy.

00:24:35.000 And he goes, dog, you need help.

00:24:37.000 You went to a pharmacy and pulled your dick out?

00:24:38.000 No, I showed him my nutsack.

00:24:40.000 I was friends with the fucking guy.

00:24:41.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:24:42.000 You know, we do.

00:24:43.000 My CVS is completely different than yours.

00:24:46.000 What neighborhood was this in?

00:24:47.000 This is in Boulder.

00:24:48.000 Okay.

00:24:49.000 This is in North Boulder, by the hospital.

00:24:51.000 So you go ahead and listen to the dog.

00:24:52.000 No, I knew you were the doctor.

00:24:54.000 Take a look at my nuts.

00:24:55.000 I knew the dude.

00:24:56.000 I knew he snorted below, so I would bring him a rock from time to time, and he'd give me free medical advice.

00:25:00.000 Okay.

00:25:00.000 So fuck it.

00:25:01.000 That was it.

00:25:01.000 So you showed him your balls.

00:25:03.000 And he said, you gotta go to the doctor and get a cream.

00:25:05.000 So I went to the doctor in Boulder, and I told him the truth, and I got it from...

00:25:09.000 What did he say it was?

00:25:11.000 Some skin disease, something in like the ringworm cousin.

00:25:15.000 Whoa, you got pussy ringworm?

00:25:17.000 Yeah, but I had ringworm when I was a kid from playing in the weeds in Jersey, too.

00:25:21.000 What a dirty bitch.

00:25:22.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:25:22.000 Pussy ringworm?

00:25:23.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:25:23.000 That's unprecedented.

00:25:26.000 That's a dark, dark girl.

00:25:27.000 You've got this fucking itch in your nutsack that won't go the fuck away.

00:25:30.000 You ripped that motherfucker apart, Doug.

00:25:33.000 Yeah, I know a lot about ringworm because of jiu-jitsu.

00:25:36.000 If you're getting ringworm, here's one thing you don't want to do.

00:25:39.000 Don't use antibacterial soap.

00:25:41.000 You've got to be real careful about that shit.

00:25:43.000 When you use antibacterial soap, it's okay if you're going to do operations on people and shit, but the issue with antibacterial soap is it kills all the good bacteria in your body, too.

00:25:53.000 There's a company called Defense Soap, and they make this soap that has all natural oils, like tea tree oil, eucalyptus oil, all natural oils that keep the bad shit from growing but help the healthy shit.

00:26:08.000 It promotes good flora, good skin flora.

00:26:12.000 It's like Cacapuncha for your fucking skin.

00:26:15.000 Cacapuncha?

00:26:16.000 The juice you fucking drink.

00:26:17.000 The Cacapuncha.

00:26:18.000 It puts everything back in.

00:26:22.000 The probiotics back into the system.

00:26:23.000 Yeah, that's a probiotic.

00:26:25.000 Acidophilus, that's another probiotic.

00:26:27.000 Actually, like sauerkraut, you can get certain types of sauerkraut.

00:26:31.000 Like for vegans, for people who don't want to eat animal products, they can get probiotics that way.

00:26:35.000 But you know, they're just, it's like, what size animal are you not allowed to eat?

00:26:39.000 Because at a certain point in time, you're eating some fucking living fungus.

00:26:41.000 You're eating some little microbes there that are running around.

00:26:45.000 I guess they can't cry.

00:26:47.000 Since they can't cry, you're allowed to eat them.

00:26:49.000 Are you allowed to eat ants if you're a vegan?

00:26:51.000 Can you have chocolate-covered ants?

00:26:53.000 Probably not.

00:26:54.000 Living thing.

00:26:56.000 Ants, no.

00:26:57.000 Microbes, yes.

00:26:58.000 You're allowed to eat the microbes.

00:27:00.000 You're going to eat living things.

00:27:01.000 If you're going to have probiotics, you've got to eat something that's alive.

00:27:04.000 It just can't complain, so you just fucking eat it.

00:27:07.000 Do you know they sell bugs now at Abercrombie?

00:27:10.000 Or no, Urban Outfitters.

00:27:11.000 You know, the clothing store?

00:27:12.000 They have, like, chocolate-covered bugs that you can buy.

00:27:14.000 Like, you know how you're waiting to check out and they have, like, all that shit that they want you to buy at the last second, you know?

00:27:19.000 So that's because they figure they've made you retarded from that spray that they're spraying in that place to keep it stinky.

00:27:24.000 Oh, no, you're thinking Abercrombie.

00:27:25.000 No, no, Urban Outfitters.

00:27:26.000 Yeah, Urban Outfitters.

00:27:28.000 It's different.

00:27:28.000 Like, Abercrombie's the one where the music's super loud, and it has, like, this stupid cologne smell everywhere.

00:27:33.000 There's shaved gay guys all over the wall.

00:27:34.000 Yeah.

00:27:35.000 They're, like, hugging girls, and they all have perfect hair, and it smells so bad.

00:27:40.000 Like, that place is ridiculous.

00:27:41.000 You ever go to Abercrombie and Fitch?

00:27:42.000 Anybody ever rope you in?

00:27:44.000 See, that's what happens when you have daughters.

00:27:45.000 Someone needs to go into Abercrombie, and it's like going into the skunk house.

00:27:49.000 That's what it's like.

00:27:49.000 It's like, you know, someone's got to clean up the skunk shit.

00:27:52.000 I'll do it.

00:27:52.000 Alright, I'll do it.

00:27:53.000 Like, you're going into an area where you know you can only last a certain amount of time.

00:27:58.000 Okay?

00:27:58.000 If you go into the Gap or whatever, go in to buy a pair of Levi's, you can sit down in that store for an hour and read a book if you had to.

00:28:05.000 But you go into that Abercrombie& Fitch, that motherfucker is toxic gas.

00:28:09.000 It's all stinky smells.

00:28:11.000 And it's a stinky smell.

00:28:13.000 It's not a good smell.

00:28:13.000 Are you serious?

00:28:14.000 Yeah, it's terrible.

00:28:15.000 It's like Glendale 24-Hour Fitness locker room.

00:28:19.000 Is that how they do it?

00:28:20.000 Is that how they fucking do it?

00:28:22.000 Is that how they want to do it?

00:28:23.000 Yeah, they do it on purpose.

00:28:25.000 I asked this girl who was working there.

00:28:26.000 I go, why do you keep spraying that stuff?

00:28:28.000 She goes, they make us.

00:28:29.000 They make us every, like, on the hour.

00:28:30.000 You have to walk around and spray this shit.

00:28:32.000 Whoever owns that store is a moron.

00:28:37.000 The advantages of being 2X. You don't have to go to those places?

00:28:40.000 No.

00:28:41.000 They don't have my size in any of those fucking places.

00:28:42.000 So where do you go?

00:28:43.000 I have pants, but I can't fit shirts.

00:28:46.000 You go to a special store?

00:28:47.000 You know what, bro?

00:28:48.000 You don't know what you're buying anymore.

00:28:52.000 Until you buy, you like something, you buy, you try it on.

00:28:55.000 Sometimes I get a pair of pants and they're 42 and they fucking fit.

00:28:59.000 Sometimes 42 don't go around my leg.

00:29:01.000 It depends whether it's a European cut or it's an American cut.

00:29:05.000 I bought clothes when I go to Tennessee, everything fucking fits.

00:29:08.000 In Tennessee, they make the clothes smaller.

00:29:11.000 So do you follow what I'm saying?

00:29:12.000 In Tennessee, I fit in a 1X. Oh, really?

00:29:16.000 That's interesting.

00:29:17.000 Because there's a lot of big people in Tennessee.

00:29:19.000 Bigger people in Tennessee.

00:29:20.000 We need to make double X a little bit bigger.

00:29:24.000 So when you go to...

00:29:24.000 My mom don't like thinking she double X. I'm not double X. Like Macy's.

00:29:30.000 Okay, when you go to Macy's here and you see a 2X, you'll put it on and you're like, ah, it's breathing.

00:29:36.000 I go to Houston and get that same 2X. It's a fucking 3X. Right.

00:29:41.000 So it's very weird.

00:29:42.000 That's interesting.

00:29:43.000 The marketing across the country.

00:29:44.000 Houston has the biggest people, doesn't it?

00:29:47.000 Houston was the fattest.

00:29:48.000 It's between Houston and Dallas.

00:29:50.000 But listen, how can you fucking be skinny in a town where the breakfast is those fucking hot dogs in a bun?

00:29:57.000 You can't lose.

00:29:58.000 Because I could have...

00:29:59.000 Listen, as a stoner, I don't give a fuck what type of fitness you're in.

00:30:02.000 You've got to stop over there once a week.

00:30:04.000 I'll tell you what, when you go to Texas and you fucking sit down and they serve you a 24-ounce steak, and you're like, God damn it, fuck it, I'm in Texas.

00:30:10.000 Let's just do this.

00:30:11.000 It seems like what you're supposed to be doing there.

00:30:13.000 When you're looking over at the dude next to you with his giant belt buckle and cowboy hat, he gives you the nod as he's cutting into the meat.

00:30:19.000 Do you know what was the deadliest place we ever went to as a restaurant?

00:30:22.000 Brian, remember when we went to Houston and after that night we all went to that fucking place with the old guy and we sat at the table like this and they brought us Greek food and they brought us the Greek peat.

00:30:33.000 The place is great.

00:30:34.000 Let's get it out of the fucking way.

00:30:35.000 BB's?

00:30:36.000 Was that the name of it?

00:30:38.000 No.

00:30:38.000 No, no, no.

00:30:39.000 It's a Greek place.

00:30:40.000 In fact, I just got an invite to his birthday.

00:30:42.000 What was the name of the place?

00:30:43.000 The kid was a comic.

00:30:45.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:30:45.000 He used to come by the laugh shop.

00:30:46.000 Beevers.

00:30:48.000 Beevers.

00:30:49.000 Beevers.

00:30:49.000 Not what I said.

00:30:50.000 Beebies.

00:30:51.000 I think Beebies is a girl's clothing store.

00:30:53.000 Oh, yeah.

00:30:53.000 Beebies.

00:30:54.000 But the fucking guy in the daytime used to insult people.

00:30:57.000 They had a waiter that used to insult people.

00:30:59.000 He was grilling.

00:31:00.000 And he would give you the weight, the fucking thing.

00:31:02.000 And he'd come up to you like five minutes later.

00:31:03.000 What do you want for breakfast?

00:31:05.000 I don't know you.

00:31:05.000 These, that, these, that.

00:31:07.000 Make up your mind.

00:31:08.000 You fucking yell at people.

00:31:10.000 The people liked it.

00:31:11.000 They had old school waitresses there too, right?

00:31:13.000 Old school.

00:31:14.000 They were 100 apiece.

00:31:16.000 If you were younger than 80, do not apply, dog.

00:31:19.000 They would make them up.

00:31:20.000 No plastic surgery like that hag we see in the baseball commercial.

00:31:24.000 These were women that were 80, dog.

00:31:26.000 And the best about Greeks is they're like Jews, but even better.

00:31:30.000 They don't accuse nobody of stealing or nothing, but let's just...

00:31:33.000 Let's not fuck.

00:31:34.000 Why doubt it?

00:31:35.000 Let's just put my mother behind the register.

00:31:37.000 Right, right.

00:31:38.000 They always have the cook's mother behind.

00:31:39.000 Why take the chance?

00:31:41.000 Right.

00:31:41.000 And that bitch will not go home.

00:31:43.000 Am I lying, though?

00:31:44.000 You go out the pool.

00:31:45.000 You go before pool at 7, she's there.

00:31:47.000 And after pool, she's still there.

00:31:49.000 She's sleeping.

00:31:50.000 Right.

00:31:50.000 Against the thing, you got to ring the bell.

00:31:52.000 And she goes, oh, I'm nice to see you.

00:31:53.000 Little reading glasses.

00:31:54.000 Yeah, little reading glasses on.

00:31:56.000 Them bitches will put their Greek mothers there.

00:31:58.000 Those motherfuckers are their 12-hour shifts.

00:32:00.000 Yeah, that was that place.

00:32:01.000 That place was very much like that.

00:32:03.000 That place flooded, I think.

00:32:04.000 Did it really?

00:32:05.000 It flooded, but closed down.

00:32:06.000 He had a couple of those places.

00:32:08.000 He had like two or three of those fucking restaurants.

00:32:09.000 Well, that one crazy flood.

00:32:11.000 There was one of the girls who was a waitress at the laugh stop sent me a photo of where that old hotel where we used to stay at used to be.

00:32:18.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:32:19.000 What was that parkway?

00:32:20.000 The Allen Parkway?

00:32:21.000 Allen Park Inn.

00:32:21.000 Is that what it is?

00:32:22.000 Yeah, the Allen Park Inn.

00:32:23.000 The Allen Park Inn was so flooded It was like the entire highway was an ocean.

00:32:31.000 It was like a big river.

00:32:33.000 It was crazy.

00:32:34.000 I don't know how it happened, how it got so flooded.

00:32:37.000 I don't know what the fuck happens that a city can get that flooded.

00:32:40.000 But that place was gone.

00:32:41.000 That place was a staple.

00:32:44.000 For, like, stand-up comics and crazy stories on the road.

00:32:47.000 I had this crackhead dude just insisting that I knew where Eddie was.

00:32:51.000 This was, like, pre-Eddie Bravo, you know?

00:32:53.000 Like, I was there, and I'm walking around, and the guy goes, come on, man, you know where Eddie is?

00:32:58.000 Where's Eddie?

00:32:59.000 And I was like, dude, I do not know Eddie.

00:33:01.000 Come on, man.

00:33:01.000 Where Eddie?

00:33:02.000 Where Eddie at, man?

00:33:03.000 Come on, man.

00:33:05.000 Like, crazy and shaking and shit.

00:33:07.000 And just, this dude had to find this guy.

00:33:09.000 And he was just walking around, knocking on doors.

00:33:11.000 Like, trying to find the guy who sells the crack.

00:33:14.000 That was the only hotel that you go back to.

00:33:17.000 You go back to your hotel room, piss, comb your hair a little bit, get a beer, and just sit in front of your hotel room at 2 in the morning.

00:33:24.000 Within 15 minutes, somebody would walk by.

00:33:31.000 I'll tell you what, though.

00:33:32.000 Here's another thing about that place.

00:33:34.000 If you went down to the Allen Park Inn and a girl was willing to go back there with you...

00:33:39.000 Yeah, she's sucking your dick.

00:33:39.000 It's over.

00:33:40.000 She's not going to play games, okay?

00:33:43.000 You're taking her to one of the dingiest, creepiest spots on Earth.

00:33:46.000 She DTF, alright?

00:33:50.000 She's like looking for a spot just as much as you are.

00:33:53.000 You're going to take this guy...

00:33:54.000 Come on, man.

00:33:54.000 Where's Eddie at, man?

00:33:55.000 Don't worry about him.

00:33:56.000 This door is an inch thick of solid cardboard.

00:33:59.000 There's no way he's going to get to us while we're naked.

00:34:01.000 I was just thinking about that meal the other night.

00:34:04.000 How big that meal was.

00:34:05.000 That meal in Houston.

00:34:06.000 And how we were done at one point.

00:34:08.000 We were like, we're done.

00:34:09.000 We had eight people at the table.

00:34:11.000 Your friends were there from Dallas.

00:34:13.000 What's his name?

00:34:13.000 The nice kid.

00:34:14.000 The young kid.

00:34:15.000 Horse Flesh Wick.

00:34:15.000 Yeah.

00:34:16.000 They were all there.

00:34:17.000 And we were ready to go.

00:34:18.000 That was the first Rogan Board Circle Jerk.

00:34:20.000 Yeah, and they all put, they came out and put those cheese, those Greek pizzas down.

00:34:24.000 And what's that flaming cheese?

00:34:26.000 Flaming cheese.

00:34:27.000 Yes.

00:34:27.000 What's it called?

00:34:30.000 Stakaskutos!

00:34:32.000 Stakaskutos!

00:34:35.000 With the malata's juice!

00:34:37.000 Yeah, they had those dolomites.

00:34:39.000 It's not dolomites.

00:34:41.000 That's the fucking...

00:34:41.000 That's the pimp.

00:34:42.000 Dolomites, the pimp.

00:34:43.000 What are those things?

00:34:44.000 The leaves?

00:34:46.000 The grape leaves?

00:34:47.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:34:48.000 Stuffed grape leaves?

00:34:49.000 Oh!

00:34:50.000 It was the best apricotis food ever.

00:34:53.000 Oh, those are fucking...

00:34:55.000 I mean, when are you ever more hungry, though, than after two shows?

00:34:59.000 When we do two shows on a Friday or Saturday night, we eat, like, unbelievable amounts of food.

00:35:04.000 And if you don't eat, you go back to your room and eat your fucking stomach.

00:35:08.000 It's horrible how fucking hungry you are.

00:35:11.000 You gotta get something, even like a protein something.

00:35:14.000 Anything will work, and you go to fucking sleep.

00:35:17.000 What wears you out more than doing two shows?

00:35:20.000 Does anything wear you out?

00:35:20.000 Like when you have to do two headliner shows?

00:35:22.000 Have you been doing that lately?

00:35:23.000 Yeah, they mentally wear me the fuck out.

00:35:26.000 Yeah, right?

00:35:26.000 It's a lot of talking.

00:35:28.000 What are you doing, an hour?

00:35:29.000 You doing an hour each show?

00:35:30.000 Fifty.

00:35:31.000 Fifty?

00:35:31.000 You know, even when you do sets around town, if you do like three sets on one night, it's fifteen fucking minutes a set.

00:35:37.000 Right, right, right.

00:35:37.000 You know, but a third set, you're like, it's amazing how sometimes a set flies by, and sometimes a set takes a long time, but it really does fly by.

00:35:46.000 It's just amazing comedy.

00:35:48.000 The whole mechanics of it is getting weirder and weirder, but I love it more now than ever.

00:35:53.000 Don't you feel like the more you do it, the better it gets, but the more out of your hands it is?

00:35:58.000 It's like, oh, this fucking crazy thing's got a life of its own.

00:36:00.000 Just keep doing it.

00:36:01.000 Keep doing it.

00:36:03.000 Keep getting up there.

00:36:04.000 You're right.

00:36:04.000 You're talking.

00:36:05.000 There's so much shit going on that you...

00:36:08.000 I don't know.

00:36:09.000 Comedy is a lot of fun lately.

00:36:10.000 I've been having a lot of fucking fun with it.

00:36:12.000 Late shows.

00:36:14.000 It's the best job ever, man.

00:36:16.000 It's the best job ever.

00:36:17.000 For us, it's the best job ever.

00:36:20.000 I even miss getting on planes.

00:36:21.000 The last three weeks I've been home, I miss getting on fucking planes.

00:36:25.000 You?

00:36:27.000 Even a little flight from Burbank to San Jose.

00:36:30.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:36:30.000 Like on a Thursday night.

00:36:32.000 I was pulling those Thursday nights.

00:36:33.000 I love that shit, guys.

00:36:34.000 There's an adventure to our job that is one of the things that's real exciting about it.

00:36:40.000 Like our last trip to Austin.

00:36:41.000 There's a lot of adventure to our job.

00:36:43.000 There always is.

00:36:44.000 There's an adventure for me tomorrow night doing my first black room.

00:36:47.000 I don't know how to do it.

00:36:49.000 What's a tip, Joey?

00:36:51.000 Here's a tip.

00:36:52.000 Be able to run as soon as you get off stage.

00:36:54.000 That's important.

00:36:55.000 Have a nice exit strategy.

00:36:57.000 And start off strong.

00:36:59.000 Start off strong.

00:37:00.000 You have to start off strong, but you also have to be relaxed.

00:37:03.000 If you stutter, they will attack.

00:37:06.000 Yeah.

00:37:06.000 They will go after you.

00:37:07.000 Silly and goofy.

00:37:08.000 They like that, don't they?

00:37:09.000 They'll like that, but you also have to be smooth with your words.

00:37:12.000 You have to be well prepared.

00:37:13.000 They appreciate, like for real, black crowds are more likely to appreciate good showmanship.

00:37:22.000 Oh, really?

00:37:22.000 And someone who's a really good entertainer.

00:37:25.000 But they're also more critical.

00:37:28.000 So they will come down on you if you start stuttering.

00:37:30.000 If you start stuttering, white people will give you a chance to recover.

00:37:33.000 Black people, not so much.

00:37:34.000 Wow.

00:37:36.000 I pay, motherfucker.

00:37:38.000 I pay to see you.

00:37:40.000 I started in the black room, but the biggest bombing that I never got back on the black stage was in the black room.

00:37:46.000 Not to interrupt you or to get this off the subject, but we're talking about black people, famous black people and drugs.

00:37:54.000 I guarantee you, I will bet each of you a hundred bucks, and I'm no genius because I don't know much about the pill world, but I guarantee you, Cat Williams' problem all started with Adderall.

00:38:07.000 You think so?

00:38:08.000 Because after you don't do Adderall, I was watching something on Discovery where a guy went from Adderall to Speed.

00:38:16.000 To meth.

00:38:18.000 Because he felt that, wait a second, if I'm doing this, what will speed do?

00:38:22.000 He was like an accountant.

00:38:23.000 He was like a fucking, you know, I've never fucked with Adderalls.

00:38:26.000 I just hear what people are saying, that you can write better, you write a ton better, you do all this shit better.

00:38:32.000 So, dog, I've already been around the block with things that make things better.

00:38:35.000 So, I don't need to, you know what I'm saying?

00:38:37.000 Adderall reminded me of cocaine immediately.

00:38:39.000 That's what I'm saying.

00:38:40.000 Like, I felt like I had drips in my mouth.

00:38:41.000 I could see a person doing Adderall and doing two bumps and just losing it.

00:38:46.000 I have a friend, and I believe he's on the Adderall, and he's been acting very erratic lately.

00:38:52.000 More and more, like, over the last, like, six, seven months.

00:38:56.000 I don't see him that often.

00:38:57.000 I see him, you know, every few months or so.

00:38:59.000 He's starting to get a little bonkers.

00:39:02.000 You're talking about our one friend?

00:39:03.000 I'm talking about a friend.

00:39:04.000 I'll tell you who it is when the show's over and we stop recording, we go outside and stand behind a car.

00:39:09.000 It's just, uh...

00:39:09.000 Because our one friend's off it.

00:39:10.000 No, no, no.

00:39:11.000 I talked to him the other day.

00:39:12.000 Um, I don't know which friend you're talking about.

00:39:14.000 Uh...

00:39:15.000 Up north, we just saw him in...

00:39:18.000 No, no, that guy, you're right.

00:39:21.000 Yeah, that guy is off it.

00:39:23.000 That guy is a way smarter dude than the dude I'm talking about.

00:39:27.000 The dude I'm talking about is much dumber, and he's got a fucking problem.

00:39:31.000 So the...

00:39:32.000 I guarantee that...

00:39:37.000 It has something.

00:39:39.000 It's in the mix.

00:39:39.000 But why do you think that Cat is doing Adderall in the first place?

00:39:41.000 Because maybe it's not Adderall, but it's something.

00:39:45.000 I think it's cocaine and mental.

00:39:47.000 But it's something he's mixing with that gentleman.

00:39:49.000 It's something that started with it.

00:39:52.000 Dog, let me get this going, and now he's smoking crack with it.

00:39:55.000 Right.

00:39:55.000 You know, I tell you guys, once you start doing it, and if you listen to the stories, these people start doing it with everything else.

00:40:00.000 It don't matter.

00:40:01.000 The chick in Florida that was drinking and doing the fucking pills and shooting pool and talking loud that day.

00:40:07.000 Maybe he's just trying to come up with a new hour.

00:40:10.000 Dude is just going to go off until he's got a whole new hour.

00:40:14.000 No, I've seen the tape from Oakland.

00:40:15.000 I've seen the one where he came out with the bunny rabbit ears on his head and just shook his head for 35 fucking minutes or whatever.

00:40:21.000 Yeah.

00:40:22.000 And I love that one, but I'm telling you guys.

00:40:24.000 That these pills and this over-the-counter shit, or not over-the-counter, this, uh, what do you call it?

00:40:29.000 Pharmaceutical, these Oxycontins and all this shit.

00:40:32.000 Opiates, yeah.

00:40:32.000 It's just killing motherfuckers.

00:40:34.000 This Adderall, all this shit.

00:40:36.000 Just smoke fucking joints.

00:40:38.000 That, whatever happened to just smoking a fucking pipe?

00:40:40.000 I don't understand why no one's beat him back, though.

00:40:43.000 Like, how many...

00:40:43.000 How many people has he hit, but you don't hear them beating his ass?

00:40:46.000 He's not a big guy.

00:40:47.000 Have you seen what happens when he hits people?

00:40:49.000 Like, nothing.

00:40:50.000 Right.

00:40:51.000 He's like getting swatted by a four-year-old.

00:40:53.000 Like, he punched the Walmart guy in the face.

00:40:55.000 The guy didn't even flinch.

00:40:57.000 The guy didn't go down.

00:40:58.000 The guy didn't put his hands up.

00:40:59.000 The target guy?

00:41:00.000 The target guy, whatever it was.

00:41:01.000 He punched that guy in the face.

00:41:02.000 It was like nothing.

00:41:03.000 The guy was like, that was nothing.

00:41:06.000 Like, you didn't do anything to me.

00:41:07.000 Well, that dude was obviously just scared of black people, I think.

00:41:09.000 Was he by himself?

00:41:10.000 Yeah, because I was a young white kid.

00:41:12.000 Was he by himself at Target?

00:41:13.000 Uh, Sacramento.

00:41:14.000 Was he by himself at the time?

00:41:15.000 Yes, he was by himself.

00:41:16.000 Did you see the video?

00:41:18.000 I see the video.

00:41:19.000 Pull the video up.

00:41:19.000 No, no, I saw it.

00:41:20.000 What time did it happen in the afternoon?

00:41:23.000 That's a good question.

00:41:23.000 I guarantee this motherfucker didn't sleep in the microphone.

00:41:26.000 Just cranking it all day.

00:41:27.000 I guarantee he didn't sleep in the microphone.

00:41:28.000 And do you think that's what gives him, that's why he's so, like, short-tempered?

00:41:34.000 Brian, are you running snowflakes in the background, you motherfucker?

00:41:36.000 Fuck yeah.

00:41:36.000 Why didn't you tell me?

00:41:37.000 You know, when you don't sleep, hey, dog, when you don't fucking sleep, You don't sleep for two nights and see how agitated you are.

00:41:44.000 Oh, I've been there, man.

00:41:45.000 Why the fuck are you talking to me like that, boy?

00:41:47.000 You know, you get fucking agitated.

00:41:49.000 It's confusing.

00:41:50.000 There's a word for that.

00:41:51.000 You become something.

00:41:52.000 Delirious.

00:41:53.000 Delirious, yeah.

00:41:54.000 So, I watched that Target one, and that's what I'm thinking about.

00:41:57.000 He's up the night before.

00:41:59.000 You know how many times I've done something?

00:42:00.000 I did coke all night, and by 11 o'clock, I was paranoid all night.

00:42:05.000 Look, he's just talking to this fucking guy.

00:42:07.000 The guy's got his left hand up.

00:42:08.000 Oh, just stole on him.

00:42:14.000 He just kind of looks at his phone.

00:42:16.000 He stole on him and then he backed up.

00:42:18.000 You know how many times by 11 o'clock in the morning, in my mind, I was fine.

00:42:23.000 I was fine.

00:42:24.000 I'm fine.

00:42:25.000 They can't tell I was doing blow all night.

00:42:27.000 I'll take a shower and put gel in my hair, and I'll go out there.

00:42:30.000 They can't tell.

00:42:31.000 But in your mind, as you're walking, you're having your own fucking conversation in your mind.

00:42:35.000 What's coming out of your fucking head is amazing.

00:42:37.000 This guy doesn't know.

00:42:38.000 He can't tell.

00:42:39.000 That's why he walks into those places banged up like that, like fucking before.

00:42:44.000 That's a horrible situation, man.

00:42:46.000 So do you think that's coke?

00:42:47.000 What is that?

00:42:48.000 I don't know.

00:42:49.000 They're saying it's crack.

00:42:50.000 I don't fucking know.

00:42:51.000 Could be that, right?

00:42:52.000 It could be that, but you gotta stop and smoke that every 20 minutes.

00:42:55.000 Every 20 minutes?

00:42:56.000 Sure.

00:42:56.000 You gotta pipe on you.

00:42:57.000 You gotta have a little torch on you.

00:42:58.000 You know, you gotta have shit on you.

00:43:00.000 So I don't know what the fuck it is these people are talking about.

00:43:02.000 When you smoke crack, you gotta smoke every 20 minutes.

00:43:05.000 Who was that really hot chick from Baywatch way back in the day?

00:43:09.000 She had dark hair and she got arrested.

00:43:11.000 Well, with the crack pipe in Michigan.

00:43:12.000 She was fucking around with Don Johnson, wasn't she?

00:43:14.000 And she looked like hell.

00:43:16.000 And she was so pretty.

00:43:18.000 She was in basketball with me, I think.

00:43:20.000 She was in basketball.

00:43:21.000 What the hell was that process?

00:43:22.000 I forget what her fucking name was.

00:43:25.000 Yasmin...

00:43:25.000 Yasmin Bleeth.

00:43:27.000 She was so pretty.

00:43:28.000 And then all of a sudden there was this picture of her.

00:43:30.000 She was like the first...

00:43:32.000 Like, really famous chick to just absolutely fall apart in a drug photo.

00:43:36.000 I mean, look at that.

00:43:38.000 That's insane.

00:43:40.000 That bitch had been up for a year.

00:43:42.000 Look at her.

00:43:44.000 She was, at one point in time, like, she was stupid hot.

00:43:48.000 Yeah, I wonder what she looks like now.

00:43:50.000 Oh, poor kid.

00:43:51.000 I thought I saw on a show, like, playing an attorney, but I don't think it was her.

00:43:55.000 Yeah, I'm sure she's got...

00:43:57.000 So that's what I'm thinking.

00:43:58.000 If you smoke crack, but after you smoke crack for 10 hours, you just go into a zone, too, that you don't need it anymore.

00:44:06.000 You're like, fuck it!

00:44:07.000 Really?

00:44:07.000 I don't need this shit for You know, I don't fucking know, Joe, but you know what, man?

00:44:15.000 When you're 12, you're not ready as a young man.

00:44:18.000 Even with these kids, you're not ready at 18. How are you going to give somebody fucking all these pills at 12 years old?

00:44:23.000 Because they have ADD. I had ADD at 12. So did fucking you.

00:44:27.000 So did Red Band.

00:44:29.000 Yeah, that's what makes for interesting people.

00:44:33.000 You need ADD to be interesting.

00:44:35.000 Your parents came to you and said, you need to study hard.

00:44:37.000 You know what?

00:44:37.000 From now on at 3, I'm going to pick you up.

00:44:39.000 I'm going to take you to the library.

00:44:40.000 I'm going to read for an hour and you're going to study.

00:44:42.000 Now they just give you Adderall or whatever the fuck they give you for your ADD. Now they just replace their fucking attention with a fucking pill.

00:44:50.000 You know, there's so many things.

00:44:51.000 Parenting is very hard.

00:44:53.000 And there's so many things that you think replaces parenting, but it really doesn't, bro.

00:44:57.000 There's nothing like your kid coming home at 3 and you being there.

00:45:00.000 You know that?

00:45:01.000 Let me tell you, you come home at 3 and there was nobody fucking there.

00:45:03.000 Me too, my whole life.

00:45:06.000 Me too.

00:45:07.000 You know, once you come home at 3 and there's a $10 bill and a thing and a steak, you cook it or take the 10 and go eat, motherfucker.

00:45:13.000 You know?

00:45:14.000 In our generation, you could walk around.

00:45:17.000 The neighbor's mother was there if you cut yourself.

00:45:19.000 Today, these fucking kids, I mean, what do you do, man?

00:45:22.000 It's different times.

00:45:24.000 Well, it's also...

00:45:24.000 Some people just get a bad roll of the dice.

00:45:28.000 We were talking about this yesterday, that you could get a real bad roll of the dice and be in a terrible family.

00:45:34.000 Unfortunately, your mother's a junkie, your father's a murderer.

00:45:37.000 It's a fucking nightmare.

00:45:38.000 It's a fucking nightmare, man.

00:45:39.000 What can you do?

00:45:40.000 You know what, man?

00:45:42.000 I've seen a lot of those kids, they learn from that.

00:45:44.000 They don't put the blame on it 50%, 40% maybe.

00:45:48.000 How many times have you seen an attorney and you've talked to him and he's an attorney because his mother stabbed the father or something.

00:45:55.000 He had a motivation behind it.

00:45:59.000 I just always thought I grew up with a lot of psychological problems.

00:46:03.000 And I'm like, I didn't want to go shoot none of my fucking classmates.

00:46:06.000 I didn't want to go do a lot of fun.

00:46:08.000 I wanted to shoot my stepfather.

00:46:09.000 That was it.

00:46:10.000 Yeah, well, you know, Joey, I don't know what the fuck that kid's life was like.

00:46:15.000 It would be really important for us, I think, as a society, to try to figure out what it took to turn a person into a school shooter.

00:46:26.000 Not two handguns and a rifle?

00:46:28.000 I don't even want to know.

00:46:29.000 I don't know.

00:46:30.000 I'm asking you guys.

00:46:31.000 A lot of guns.

00:46:32.000 There was more than one gun.

00:46:33.000 Really?

00:46:33.000 Yeah, and if you stop and think about the Columbine shootings, we know those kids were bullied, those kids were tortured.

00:46:40.000 That's an important point, too, because I think some people do not really understand how important it is that their kids don't bully people, and they don't understand how devastating that could be on a young kid's psyche, especially if the kid's coming from an unstable house, as it is,

00:46:55.000 and then you're coming from a house where everything's in turmoil, and people yelling at you, and you're going to school, and people are pushing you around and hitting you.

00:47:02.000 It's like, your life is hell.

00:47:03.000 Like, that is why people will commit suicide.

00:47:05.000 You are creating, their life can be a hell.

00:47:07.000 Or, it could be just the opposite.

00:47:11.000 You can go to school, and that same kid says, what's up, dude?

00:47:14.000 What are you doing?

00:47:14.000 He gives you a big hug.

00:47:15.000 Now you're happy.

00:47:17.000 Something is creating that bully.

00:47:20.000 And it's not just human nature.

00:47:21.000 There's some shit that's going on in that kid's life that he's trying to express.

00:47:26.000 And he's trying to express on other people.

00:47:28.000 I saw, when I was a kid, a lot of people that would go around and beat people up.

00:47:33.000 And to a man...

00:47:35.000 Every one of them got beat up at home.

00:47:37.000 Every one of them.

00:47:39.000 I had a friend, my friend Kenny, he used to love to get in fights.

00:47:42.000 Kenny would just walk up to someone and start a fight.

00:47:46.000 Like, come on, bitch, let's go.

00:47:47.000 And the guy would be like, what?

00:47:48.000 Like, put up your fucking hands, we're going right now.

00:47:51.000 The guy would be like, what the fuck are you talking about?

00:47:52.000 And he would just start swinging.

00:47:53.000 He was crazy.

00:47:54.000 You know why?

00:47:55.000 Because he got the fuck beat out of him as a kid.

00:47:57.000 I didn't have that.

00:47:58.000 I did not get beat up as a kid.

00:48:01.000 And I'm very fortunate for that.

00:48:02.000 So, like, when I see kids that lash out like that, or kids that want to beat people up, kids that have a different sort of anger inside of them, they have a really irrational, self-destructive, sort of violence-inducing anger, a lot of that comes from being physically abused.

00:48:19.000 Like, it changes the wiring of a child's brain.

00:48:23.000 It changes the way a child My dad was a piece of shit, but one thing my dad was, he was fiercely protective of me.

00:48:38.000 Fiercely.

00:48:38.000 Like, my cousin did something to me when I was a little kid.

00:48:41.000 My dad picked my cousin up by his hair.

00:48:44.000 I'll never forget it.

00:48:45.000 My cousin was like 12 or 13 and I was probably like 5. He picked him up by his hair and beat the shit out of him.

00:48:51.000 Picked him in the air by his...

00:48:53.000 I'll never forget the screaming that kid was making while he was getting lifted into the air by his hair.

00:48:59.000 So I saw a lot of violence, but it didn't get turned on me.

00:49:03.000 Yet.

00:49:04.000 You know, my parents got divorced when I was five.

00:49:06.000 So I never...

00:49:07.000 I didn't...

00:49:08.000 I didn't...

00:49:08.000 You know, when they split up, I saw him be violent with my mother.

00:49:12.000 I saw him be violent with a lot of other people.

00:49:14.000 I saw him be violent with my cousin, like when I told you he pulled his hair, but he never did anything to me.

00:49:18.000 So I missed that part.

00:49:20.000 I didn't get beat up.

00:49:21.000 So because I didn't get beat up, my mom was a very, very sweet person.

00:49:24.000 She was never violent in any way, shape, or form.

00:49:26.000 She never even yelled.

00:49:27.000 She barely raised her voice.

00:49:28.000 My mother was a very, very kind person, and still is.

00:49:32.000 So I missed that part.

00:49:35.000 But I got to see its work in a lot of friends.

00:49:37.000 You know, you get to know.

00:49:39.000 That's one of the things that's really weird about growing up.

00:49:42.000 Is you're growing up and you realize how many people come from fucked up families?

00:49:47.000 How many people's families are fucked up?

00:49:49.000 And it's like almost everybody, almost everybody I knew had something going on.

00:49:53.000 Either the dad was an alcoholic, and they were trying to figure out how to not get him to drive, or the mother fucking has a gambling problem and disappears at night and doesn't come home until the morning, or...

00:50:05.000 There was always fucking something.

00:50:07.000 There's always something.

00:50:08.000 It's amazing our society works as well as it does.

00:50:11.000 It's amazing we're as together as we really are.

00:50:14.000 If you really stop and think about what a shit job people did in raising human beings.

00:50:20.000 Did you see that news thing with Cat Williams in it talking about how he's quitting stand-up comedy and he's crying and stuff?

00:50:29.000 It was like a news report.

00:50:30.000 Really?

00:50:31.000 Yeah, check this out.

00:50:32.000 He talked about quitting stand-up comedy and crying?

00:50:34.000 This is after all this shit?

00:50:35.000 Yeah, this is December 4th, I think.

00:50:38.000 New tonight's stand-up comic Cat Williams has had a controversial visit to Seattle the past few days, and tonight he's telling us his side of the story.

00:50:46.000 Como 4 caught up with Williams as he was ejected from a South Lake Union hotel around 7 p.m.

00:50:51.000 On Sunday, Williams was arrested after an altercation at a nearby restaurant.

00:50:55.000 We're good to go.

00:51:27.000 I'm just going to go ahead and announce my retirement from stand-up.

00:51:30.000 I'm kind of done.

00:51:36.000 I've already discussed it with my kids.

00:51:38.000 I wasn't really going to do it on Seattle Street.

00:51:40.000 I was going to go to Los Angeles and do it in the offices of ICM or Live Nation.

00:51:45.000 Matt Williams has proven to be unpredictable, so we're going to watch and see how this all plays out.

00:51:51.000 Wow.

00:51:52.000 Did you see that he looked like that recently?

00:51:54.000 Wow.

00:51:54.000 You didn't see that one, did you?

00:51:55.000 No.

00:51:56.000 So that's something there.

00:51:57.000 I love the guy.

00:51:58.000 He's a guy I love.

00:51:59.000 We all fucking dug the first special, cracked me up.

00:52:02.000 I knew him when he fucking was cat in a hat.

00:52:04.000 He'd come to the store on Sunday nights, bro, let me get a spot up in this motherfucker.

00:52:09.000 You know, and I'd try to put him up there and argue with Mitzi, the whole fucking deal.

00:52:13.000 So, to see this, you gotta, what is that?

00:52:16.000 Wow.

00:52:16.000 That's drugs.

00:52:17.000 Now, somebody wrote a book about them.

00:52:18.000 I'm pretty sure that's drugs.

00:52:19.000 Somebody wrote a book about them saying what happened, the allegations.

00:52:22.000 I don't know.

00:52:22.000 I've never seen them smoke crack.

00:52:25.000 That seems like a drug issue.

00:52:28.000 Well, it's either a drug issue or it's a mental health issue.

00:52:30.000 But there was something.

00:52:33.000 Disconnected there, right?

00:52:34.000 Yeah, I mean, if it's a mental health issue and he does drugs of any kind, it could set him off into a weird spiral.

00:52:41.000 Powerful Dr. Redband.

00:52:43.000 Next, after Oprah.

00:52:45.000 Fuck Dr. Oz.

00:52:46.000 Dr. Redband can read off cue cards, too, you fuck.

00:52:51.000 That's amazing.

00:52:52.000 Our society, instead of the after-school special, it's Dr. fucking Oz.

00:52:57.000 Or it's Maury Povich.

00:52:58.000 You are not the father!

00:53:01.000 That is fucked up, because sometimes I watch KTLA in the morning to see where there's traffic, and when I get home, the TV's still on.

00:53:09.000 And it's one of those shows.

00:53:10.000 And I'll make a sandwich listening to, like, you know.

00:53:13.000 So this guy took a test.

00:53:15.000 He is not the father.

00:53:16.000 And the guy will do this pre-planned out dance.

00:53:19.000 Oh, my God.

00:53:19.000 Like, those dudes break down.

00:53:20.000 I told you, bitch!

00:53:22.000 I told you I came on your titties!

00:53:24.000 Those shows are so fucking fake.

00:53:26.000 I know so many people that were like, all right, we need you to come do this show.

00:53:29.000 You're going to play boyfriend and girlfriend, and you're going to get in a fight.

00:53:32.000 There was a dude who used to work at Governor's.

00:53:34.000 In Long Island.

00:53:35.000 And he used to be involved in those shows.

00:53:37.000 And what they would do is they don't tell you to fake it.

00:53:42.000 But what they do is they call you up and they say, our show is looking for a guy who is having an affair with his brother's wife.

00:53:49.000 He goes, that's crazy.

00:53:51.000 I'm having an affair with my brother's wife.

00:53:53.000 He doesn't even have a brother.

00:53:55.000 Next thing you know, he's on camera.

00:53:56.000 So whatever it was, that was the game.

00:53:58.000 They would call you up and say, we're looking for a guy who spent his life in an Asian gang, but he's a white guy.

00:54:04.000 I spent my life in an Asian gang, and I was a white guy.

00:54:07.000 And they'll just make up nonsense.

00:54:09.000 Like, a lot of those shows, it's 100% nonsense.

00:54:13.000 It's just entertainment.

00:54:14.000 But you know what's crazy, going back to that family thing you said?

00:54:19.000 In my house, I grew up in a fucked up house, but there was a lot of love.

00:54:22.000 And a lot of love came from my mom.

00:54:23.000 Even my stepdad was a good guy to an extreme.

00:54:26.000 Then I meet people who have no reason to be fucked up.

00:54:29.000 Like the people I meet are like cunning, like people with two faces, backstabbing motherfuckers, are people who come from perfect households.

00:54:38.000 They're spoiled.

00:54:39.000 Who you think the parents did the work but really didn't.

00:54:43.000 And they're like cunning and they're two-faced and they do shit to people and they think they're cute.

00:54:47.000 I would always figure out these people have no reason to be cocksuckers like me.

00:54:52.000 Like that's how I would look at myself.

00:54:53.000 I came from a fucked up house so I understand.

00:54:55.000 I give myself a breather.

00:54:57.000 But this guy had two nice fucking parents that were both attorneys.

00:55:00.000 This guy's the biggest piece of shit out of all of them.

00:55:09.000 We're good to go.

00:55:22.000 People need to understand what struggle's about.

00:55:26.000 They need to understand what labor is about.

00:55:29.000 They need to understand what effort is about.

00:55:32.000 How you can get over something that's difficult and it builds character.

00:55:36.000 And if that never happens to you, you don't have any character.

00:55:39.000 So while you're trying to make something happen for yourself, you know, you're trying to do it any way you can.

00:55:44.000 And the way you've been getting by your whole life is probably bullshitting people.

00:55:48.000 Bullshitting your parents.

00:55:49.000 You know, the people that work for your parents probably listen to you because you're rich and they let you slide.

00:55:54.000 And they don't develop the character.

00:55:56.000 They never have an opportunity to actually develop character.

00:55:59.000 So that's why.

00:56:01.000 They're not struggling and they're not being sneaky because they're desperado.

00:56:05.000 They're being sneaky because they're weak.

00:56:08.000 The instinct in man is to try to get out of work.

00:56:11.000 The instinct in man is to try to, did you do it?

00:56:13.000 Yeah, I did it.

00:56:14.000 Even if you didn't.

00:56:15.000 The instinct is not to man up and go, listen, I'm going to be honest with you, I didn't do it.

00:56:19.000 I fucked off.

00:56:20.000 I went out with my friends, we got drunk, and I forgot all about it, and I woke up late.

00:56:24.000 I'm so sorry.

00:56:25.000 I don't know what to tell you, but that's what happened.

00:56:27.000 It's obviously a huge error, but What am I going to do now?

00:56:30.000 Nobody wants to do that, so you bullshit.

00:56:33.000 Oh, the car totally wouldn't work.

00:56:35.000 We called the police.

00:56:36.000 We thought there was a bomb.

00:56:37.000 You'll say all kinds of crazy shit to get out of work.

00:56:40.000 Especially if you have a weak character.

00:56:43.000 That's amazing.

00:56:44.000 I've been locked up with kids that had no reason.

00:56:47.000 Did we freeze up or something?

00:56:48.000 I've been locked up with kids that I've seen their visitation on a Saturday.

00:56:53.000 And I've said to myself, what did you do, bro?

00:56:57.000 Those are your fucking parents here?

00:56:59.000 What the fuck did you...

00:57:00.000 How can you do this with tonight's family?

00:57:02.000 The whole family would show up.

00:57:04.000 The sister, the brother...

00:57:05.000 Well, you know about Michael Douglas' son, right?

00:57:07.000 They got beat the fuck up up in Pittsburgh or something like that.

00:57:10.000 They broke his leg and his fingers.

00:57:12.000 They broke his femur.

00:57:14.000 It's fucking hard to break someone's femur.

00:57:17.000 I mean, you gotta hold their leg down and stomp on it, you know?

00:57:21.000 And this guy's fucked up.

00:57:22.000 I mean, his leg's in a plate now.

00:57:24.000 His fingers are jacked.

00:57:25.000 It's because he...

00:57:27.000 Somehow or another, it was revealed.

00:57:29.000 That when he got a shorter sentence, it was because he gave up a bunch of other drugs.

00:57:33.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:57:33.000 His own lawyer fucked him, or someone fucked him.

00:57:36.000 Someone fucked him.

00:57:36.000 But he fucked himself, that dude.

00:57:38.000 Yeah.

00:57:39.000 He did something.

00:57:39.000 That's Michael Douglas' son.

00:57:41.000 I mean, Michael Douglas has been famous for a long fucking time.

00:57:43.000 Do you remember when he used to come to the comedy store?

00:57:45.000 No, that's not the same son.

00:57:46.000 That's not the same son that used to come to the comedy store, all fucked up at night.

00:57:49.000 No, that's the brother.

00:57:51.000 That's the brother.

00:57:52.000 Somebody from his family used to come up to the store at night.

00:57:54.000 That's Michael Douglas' brother.

00:57:56.000 Now, then this kid went to New York and was dealing in Methodism.

00:58:00.000 Look, all those fucking famous father kids like that.

00:58:05.000 Yeah.

00:58:06.000 It's not good.

00:58:07.000 And once they found that, you know, that's the only way they get attention.

00:58:10.000 Stallone's kid overdosed?

00:58:11.000 Did he really overdose?

00:58:12.000 Wasn't that what it was?

00:58:13.000 It was accidental.

00:58:14.000 But he had a drug problem, right?

00:58:15.000 No.

00:58:16.000 Really?

00:58:17.000 Sage?

00:58:17.000 Stallone's done?

00:58:18.000 Yeah, no.

00:58:18.000 I don't think so.

00:58:19.000 That's what they said at first.

00:58:20.000 That's what I heard.

00:58:21.000 I should Google that.

00:58:23.000 Well, you know, I mean, uh...

00:58:26.000 By the way, you gotta check out notthefather.tumblr.com and it's just all these gif animations from You're Not The Father episodes.

00:58:38.000 Yeah, it says possible drug overdose.

00:58:40.000 Dies from pill overdose, yeah.

00:58:44.000 Yeah.

00:58:45.000 You know what?

00:58:49.000 Yeah, they're saying an overdose, man.

00:58:52.000 Really?

00:58:52.000 Yeah, that's what most of these sites are saying.

00:59:00.000 Yeah.

00:59:00.000 Whatever.

00:59:01.000 I mean, I don't think you have to release it, so they might just be speculating.

00:59:04.000 I don't think Sylvester Stallone would have to release Why His Son Died.

00:59:07.000 That's got to be fucking devastating, man.

00:59:09.000 That's devastating to you.

00:59:10.000 Well, these guys, like, you know, a guy like Stallone, first of all, he's not with the wife anymore, that kid.

00:59:15.000 He hasn't been in forever.

00:59:16.000 He hasn't been in forever.

00:59:17.000 And then on top of that, he's probably doing these movies where he's in Thailand for six months and this place for six months.

00:59:23.000 You know, he's doing Rambo and shit and flying all over the place.

00:59:26.000 It must be fucking really hard to also be a father.

00:59:30.000 A lot of those dudes become drug addicts though.

00:59:32.000 It is true.

00:59:34.000 It's a lot of them, right?

00:59:36.000 They were telling me that one of those Thousand Oaks High School, the big thing was heroin up there.

00:59:42.000 I bet.

00:59:43.000 I'm one of the high schools up there.

00:59:44.000 I bet Oxys.

00:59:45.000 When I was a fucking kid, we smoked, they sold joints at school.

00:59:49.000 Some people sold little hits of fucking Microdot acid, you know, two dollars a piece, but fucking heroin, you gotta go to the city, that shit.

00:59:56.000 Coke?

00:59:57.000 Yeah, not really, not in high school.

01:00:00.000 You know, it was reefer and little pills and those sheets of paper that were acid.

01:00:04.000 Yeah.

01:00:04.000 That's it.

01:00:05.000 Valiums, all that shit.

01:00:06.000 You had to go over the fucking bridge.

01:00:08.000 You know, you had to go to Washington Square Park and something to get the party started in those fucking days.

01:00:12.000 I think those Thousand Oaks kids, first of all, you're like way out in the suburbs too.

01:00:16.000 And all it takes is one freak bitch to convert the whole fucking batch of them.

01:00:20.000 All you need to do is have one kid that's down to do some H, down to do some H, bro.

01:00:26.000 You know, some one Puerto Rican kid that's like a year older than everybody that's been held back.

01:00:30.000 One, but fucking heroin, bro.

01:00:33.000 Yeah.

01:00:33.000 You can see he's drinking a bottle of Boone's Farm you stole from your uncle's place or something like that.

01:00:38.000 The strawberry shit that you puke out and you go, I'll never drink that thing again.

01:00:42.000 The fucking heroin that's smoking out of a straw with aluminum foil.

01:00:46.000 I've never even seen that type of shit.

01:00:49.000 That's disgusting!

01:00:50.000 That's gross.

01:00:51.000 It's gross, and that's like some proven stupid shit for decades.

01:00:56.000 It's not like something new.

01:00:57.000 What?

01:00:58.000 Heroin!

01:00:59.000 It's not like nobody's had problems with it yet.

01:01:02.000 It's not like bath salts, you know what I mean?

01:01:03.000 Like, dude, I'm telling you, man, bath salts are amazing.

01:01:05.000 Nothing even happens.

01:01:07.000 Just do it, dude.

01:01:07.000 Don't worry about it.

01:01:08.000 Some shit I sent Stanhope.

01:01:10.000 Stanhope didn't know that we had McAfee on the podcast and we were going over it and I told him about the whole bath salts thing.

01:01:20.000 He didn't know about that either.

01:01:21.000 So then I went back and I said, I'll send you some links.

01:01:23.000 You gotta read some of this stuff.

01:01:25.000 So I went back and read some of it myself.

01:01:28.000 One of the things that McAfee said, he did an interview for one of these Radar Online or something like that about bat salts, about how awesome bat salts are.

01:01:39.000 Are you serious?

01:01:39.000 Yeah.

01:01:40.000 Yeah, but bat salts are the finest drug ever conceived.

01:01:44.000 That's what he said.

01:01:45.000 Wow.

01:01:46.000 Yeah, he's now in the United States, right?

01:01:48.000 He's in California, probably.

01:01:49.000 He confessed that he's a huge fan of MDPV, better known as basalts, and worked for a year trying to purify psychoactive drugs from compounds commercially available over the internet.

01:02:03.000 Apparently, he says this is all bullshit now.

01:02:06.000 Yeah, right.

01:02:07.000 Of course.

01:02:08.000 Sir.

01:02:09.000 Okay, this is not an interview.

01:02:10.000 This is all based on articles online, stuff that he wrote on that drug form.

01:02:16.000 Oh, okay.

01:02:18.000 It's hilarious.

01:02:20.000 I don't care anymore.

01:02:21.000 Stanhope had no idea, though.

01:02:22.000 He didn't know that the whole story was just bananas.

01:02:25.000 You know what?

01:02:25.000 I lied.

01:02:26.000 There was PCP when I was in high school.

01:02:28.000 Oh, yeah.

01:02:28.000 In Jersey, there was what I call THC Crystal, which is really PCP. It was really just watered down fucking PCP. That shit was good, though.

01:02:38.000 That shit was good.

01:02:39.000 I liked it.

01:02:40.000 I'll tell you about my boxing coach.

01:02:41.000 When I was in Boston, my boxing coach got his finger bitten off when he was on PCP. Somebody bit his finger off, and they took his toe off because his finger was gone.

01:02:53.000 It's like from the first knuckle, like the knuckle to the second, like the first stub, this part right here, was still there.

01:03:00.000 The rest of it was missing.

01:03:02.000 So what they did was they took his, not his big toe, but the second toe.

01:03:06.000 They removed that toe and they created a finger.

01:03:10.000 They put the bones back in and screwed it in place.

01:03:13.000 But you couldn't get it to work, so he had it permanently curved so that he could be able to throw his right hook.

01:03:20.000 So he didn't want to have a finger like that where he couldn't box anymore.

01:03:25.000 Because that's the only option.

01:03:26.000 The option was you could have it fully straight or you could have it permanently curved.

01:03:29.000 So he took it permanently curved so he could throw it.

01:03:32.000 I want to be able to throw my right hook.

01:03:34.000 What am I going to do without the right hook?

01:03:35.000 That's my shot.

01:03:36.000 I got a fucking left of the body.

01:03:37.000 I'm stepping with the right hook.

01:03:39.000 That's goodnight.

01:03:40.000 I'm not taking away goodnight.

01:03:42.000 So he kept the finger.

01:03:44.000 I'm not taking away good night.

01:03:46.000 And so I was teaching him Taekwondo when he was teaching me boxing.

01:03:52.000 And he would be shuffling around with that fucking four-toed foot.

01:03:56.000 Three toes and nothing.

01:03:58.000 A big gapper.

01:03:59.000 A big floppy gapper between these toes over here and the big toe.

01:04:04.000 One was missing.

01:04:06.000 And he's just trying to shuffle around and throw that fucking creepy hybrid right hook.

01:04:12.000 Part of it was a toe.

01:04:14.000 So when you were shaking his hand, you were shaking a little bit of a toe.

01:04:16.000 A little bit of toe was in his hand.

01:04:18.000 Your hand always smelled like feet.

01:04:19.000 Yeah, always.

01:04:20.000 It was a thicker finger, you know?

01:04:22.000 It was like a mason.

01:04:24.000 In 83, I had this gig running numbers from like 10 to 2 in the afternoon on 118th and 3rd for these Puerto Ricans I ain't grown up with.

01:04:32.000 I had nothing.

01:04:33.000 I had no job.

01:04:34.000 I had no direction.

01:04:35.000 So I went to them like a man.

01:04:36.000 I go, I just need a little help.

01:04:37.000 And they were just throwing me like $1.20 a day just to go in and eat their food and tell stories and shit.

01:04:42.000 And they tell me, walk around the block, go get this.

01:04:45.000 And one day I went over and they're like, no, we're not doing it here today.

01:04:47.000 We're doing it up in Brooklyn.

01:04:48.000 If you want to go up there, go up there, but it's a short day.

01:04:50.000 Because when they switch tracks, the numbers fuck up.

01:04:53.000 So I'm walking and I'm going to get a bag of a reefer.

01:04:56.000 In those days, Harlem had really good tie stick.

01:04:59.000 And I'm walking to get this bag of reefer and this chick comes out to me, Joe Rogan, cute.

01:05:04.000 And I'm not really checking around.

01:05:05.000 She goes, do you want to go partners on some whatever she called it?

01:05:09.000 Jonestown.

01:05:10.000 Whatever.

01:05:11.000 And I'm like, yeah, I'll go partners.

01:05:11.000 Some cute girl just comes up to you.

01:05:13.000 Comes up to me with glasses.

01:05:14.000 Black girl.

01:05:15.000 10.30 in the morning comes up to me and says, you want to go partners on some Jonestown?

01:05:20.000 Because what you do is they had a bag of dope for 20 bucks, which is reefer.

01:05:24.000 And then for like three bucks, you got a tray.

01:05:26.000 That's what they call them, trays.

01:05:28.000 So she goes, let's go partners on two trays and we'll split it with a spleef or whatever the fuck you say.

01:05:33.000 Wow.

01:05:34.000 So basically you take the reefer, you put it in the paper, and then you take the tray and you sprinkle the dust in the joint, you roll it, and you bang it out.

01:05:41.000 We start smoking this motherfucker.

01:05:43.000 And in the middle of it, she tells me that she's pregnant.

01:05:45.000 What?

01:05:46.000 This bitch just...

01:05:47.000 And then she shows me her little belly.

01:05:49.000 She's like, yeah, but I'm hooked on these trays and shit.

01:05:51.000 Oh, my God.

01:05:51.000 I didn't fuck her or nothing.

01:05:52.000 Like, I don't remember what.

01:05:53.000 But I remember we hung out, like, from 12 to, like, 9 o'clock that night just talking shit.

01:05:58.000 I remember taking the bus going, God damn.

01:06:02.000 I just smoked fucking Jonestown with a pregnant fucking black chick.

01:06:06.000 That's when they would give the names of that shit whenever the tragedy had just happened.

01:06:10.000 Remember, what was the black basketball player from the Celtics?

01:06:13.000 He was a rookie.

01:06:14.000 He did coke and he died.

01:06:16.000 Glenn Bias.

01:06:17.000 I remember like the next day, you go over to Harlem and go, who's got the blood?

01:06:20.000 I got the shit that killed Bias, motherfucker.

01:06:23.000 They always did that.

01:06:25.000 That was always it.

01:06:27.000 Do you remember when weed was always government weed?

01:06:29.000 It was always the government.

01:06:30.000 I got the government weed.

01:06:33.000 What was it called?

01:06:35.000 Like M13 or something?

01:06:36.000 Yeah, the dudes had like a name for it.

01:06:37.000 Yeah, this is MG17, man.

01:06:39.000 There's only like 10 people in the country that are allowed to get this.

01:06:41.000 They get this from the government.

01:06:43.000 Yeah, the government weed was like the best weed for the longest time.

01:06:47.000 Like, if you got a hold of some government weed, that was like some serious shit.

01:06:50.000 Isn't that hilarious?

01:06:52.000 That's how far weed has come, you know?

01:06:55.000 There's a lot of goddamn weed snobs out there, and they need to relax.

01:06:59.000 Let it go.

01:07:00.000 You know what else?

01:07:01.000 People that want to tell them, you never had our weed.

01:07:05.000 Please shut the fuck up.

01:07:06.000 Just please.

01:07:07.000 Please.

01:07:08.000 There is no stronger weed anywhere now.

01:07:10.000 It's pretty much a saturation.

01:07:12.000 The shit that we got in Austin, remember that shit we got in Austin, Texas?

01:07:16.000 Oh my Jesus.

01:07:17.000 Oh my Jesus.

01:07:18.000 And you know what the strongest shit I've gotten all year from?

01:07:20.000 Seattle.

01:07:21.000 Seattle, when they made it legal, they just took shit to the net.

01:07:24.000 The voodoo chicken and moot hooked me up when I was there.

01:07:28.000 They gave me this joint that was like a direct...

01:07:32.000 remember those old-school operators?

01:07:34.000 You know, they would pick up the phone.

01:07:35.000 Operator.

01:07:35.000 It was right to God.

01:07:37.000 Just went right to him.

01:07:38.000 Just smoked that weed in.

01:07:40.000 Before I went on stage, I remember sitting in the back room, just feeling so vulnerable, but so alive and in tune to everything.

01:07:50.000 And me and Sam Tripoli.

01:07:52.000 Sam Tripoli was baked out of his fucking mind.

01:07:54.000 I mean, it was dangerous.

01:07:57.000 Like, wow, this might be too high to talk.

01:07:59.000 This might be too high to talk.

01:08:00.000 I'm going to tell you something.

01:08:01.000 Seattle, Oregon, and Colorado have always had some that strong.

01:08:06.000 And if you look at fucking Oregon, it runs through Northern California, the whole Reno area there.

01:08:12.000 But you got that rain that affects people, affects all that weed.

01:08:16.000 Oh, yeah.

01:08:16.000 Because that's outdoor weed.

01:08:17.000 Yeah.

01:08:18.000 Now you add some altitude to that, which there is some.

01:08:21.000 It's a little altitude, 2,000 feet up in Mount Rainier, whatever the fuck those mountains are, no geology major, whatever the fuck it is.

01:08:28.000 Colorado, same thing.

01:08:29.000 Yeah.

01:08:29.000 The higher that weed got, the higher you got up into that fucking mountain, that weed just got fucking stronger.

01:08:35.000 Really?

01:08:35.000 Yeah, dog, in the wintertime.

01:08:37.000 There's something to that weed.

01:08:39.000 I smoked some deadly fucking weed in Colorado 20 years ago.

01:08:43.000 I don't care what the fuck anybody tells me.

01:08:45.000 Forget 28%.

01:08:46.000 This shit was off the fucking charts.

01:08:48.000 The shit they're growing now.

01:08:49.000 The shit they're growing out here now, in a year, we're going to have 45% weed.

01:08:55.000 Just clean shit that you smoke and you're done.

01:08:57.000 Done.

01:08:59.000 Do you think that there's going to be any repercussions to these states making it legal?

01:09:03.000 Obama said right now that they're not going to go after people, but that doesn't mean anything, because they said they were only going to go after people that violated both state and federal law when it came to marijuana, but I don't think that was necessarily the case.

01:09:15.000 I think the DEA just went after people that their operation was too big.

01:09:19.000 I think that was a lot of it.

01:09:20.000 What do you think they're going to do here?

01:09:22.000 Between you and I, what does the federal government do?

01:09:24.000 They shut shit down.

01:09:26.000 Yeah.

01:09:26.000 So eventually one morning we're going to wake up, we're going to turn the news on, there's going to be a bunch of fucking people on the street and they're going to raid, you know, they're going to take all the resources of one day and raid 20 fucking stores and lock up and confiscate and hit the big ones and hit them where it hurts in the fucking pocket.

01:09:43.000 I think they're going to cut out funding or something to the states.

01:09:45.000 I think they're just going to fuck the state up where the state's going to be like...

01:09:48.000 I don't think the state needs funding.

01:09:50.000 The government is not going to have egg on their face, even though whatever they're doing in Colorado...

01:09:54.000 With the marijuana, with the medical marijuana situation is fucking beautiful.

01:09:58.000 I think if Colorado just went full, like, fucking legal marijuana and took that money and taxed it heavily, look, if you're going to allow people to sell weed, why not charge 20% taxes?

01:10:10.000 I think that's really reasonable.

01:10:11.000 Yeah, 20% taxes on everything you sell.

01:10:14.000 Let's just do that.

01:10:15.000 Then that money goes straight to the schools, straight to the cops, straight to the teachers.

01:10:20.000 I mean, let's be honest, how much markup is on weed as it is right now?

01:10:23.000 Imagine it being legal where everyone can grow it.

01:10:26.000 Weed's going to be like fucking grass.

01:10:27.000 Exactly.

01:10:28.000 Everyone's going to give a shit.

01:10:29.000 It's going to be like lettuce.

01:10:30.000 You go to a supermarket, you buy a head of lettuce for like three bucks or whatever.

01:10:33.000 You know how long it takes to grow a fucking head of lettuce?

01:10:35.000 It's amazing you can get one for three dollars.

01:10:37.000 You can get a nutritious piece of vegetable that's a long fucking time to grow and you get it for three bucks.

01:10:42.000 That's what it would be like for weed.

01:10:44.000 Because when you go up to Santa Barbara and you see those strawberry patches where they just go on and on and on, that would be weed.

01:10:51.000 It would all be there.

01:10:52.000 Then they'll have to have armed guards because high school kids would be sneaking in and stealing your fucking weed.

01:10:57.000 It's not going to be like strawberries.

01:10:57.000 They probably wouldn't even care.

01:10:58.000 They're probably going to be like, hey, take whatever you want.

01:11:01.000 We got a lot of it.

01:11:02.000 It's like that scene in Scarface where the guy whips the coke off the ground and fucking licks it.

01:11:07.000 It was just on the floor.

01:11:08.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:11:08.000 It was just on the fucking floor.

01:11:10.000 People don't understand that you're going to have...

01:11:12.000 If you made legal weed, and you're going to...

01:11:15.000 Anytime you have people that are smoking weed, you're going to have examples of people that are wasting their lives smoking weed.

01:11:22.000 You're going to have those examples.

01:11:23.000 There's no doubt about it.

01:11:24.000 You're going to have kids that are lazy, that just smoke weed and watch video games, and they used to be good students, but they're not anymore.

01:11:30.000 But you're also going to have a lot of other people.

01:11:32.000 And this is what pisses me off the most.

01:11:35.000 When you see all these news reports about weed and all these problems that people are having with weed, they don't talk about the positive benefits of it.

01:11:44.000 Just psychologically.

01:11:46.000 We all know the difference between people that we hang out with that smoke weed and that don't smoke weed.

01:11:52.000 There's a difference.

01:11:53.000 One of the differences is the people that don't smoke weed, there's a level of reality that they don't operate in.

01:11:59.000 You don't go there with them.

01:12:01.000 You don't have conversations with them in that level.

01:12:03.000 There's a place of vulnerability and respect to the great awe of it all that they don't really possess.

01:12:09.000 They have a lens in front of them that they don't ever take out and raw dog the universe.

01:12:16.000 When you get really high, it's like you're raw dog in the universe.

01:12:19.000 You're getting the whole experience in.

01:12:22.000 And one big, crazy, frightening, what you call paranoia, is reality.

01:12:27.000 You should be fucking paranoid.

01:12:29.000 And that marijuana rush, where it really sets all in and makes you really take in this experience in that freaky, crazy high way.

01:12:43.000 If you're hanging out with people that don't smoke weed, they don't go there.

01:12:46.000 They don't understand that talk.

01:12:47.000 They don't get that conversation.

01:12:48.000 You can tell the difference.

01:12:49.000 I don't judge people by that.

01:12:52.000 I know a lot of cool people that don't smoke weed.

01:12:53.000 I know a lot of great people that don't smoke weed, and I like them for that reason.

01:12:57.000 I like them for that reason, but I can see where the conversation ends at.

01:13:01.000 I have a friend who has a bad back but doesn't get high.

01:13:04.000 And I've been trying to explain to them, I understand your lung concerns and stuff.

01:13:10.000 There's a fucking tablet now you can take.

01:13:12.000 Now they have no more excuses.

01:13:14.000 If you have a tight back or whatever, they have a hash oil now that comes in a tablet that looks like a vitamin C tablet that you can travel with on a flight and they won't even fucking ask you.

01:13:23.000 So, and he's like, no, I'm scared, I'm whatever.

01:13:26.000 Okay.

01:13:27.000 Then keep going to the fucking chiropractor for the next year.

01:13:29.000 Give it a try.

01:13:30.000 I know I would if I had a fucking bad back.

01:13:32.000 I'd try anything if I had a fucking bad back at that point.

01:13:37.000 Yeah.

01:13:38.000 Yeah, there's some people that are in fucking serious pain.

01:13:42.000 And that's, I tell you man, I've heard a lot of things over the years.

01:13:45.000 Listen, I'm not going to, I could sit here and tell you.

01:13:47.000 I got mental illness, I got VD, I got an itch in my ass, I got foot fungus.

01:13:52.000 I can tell you all this shit that don't give anxiety, sleep apnea, all this shit that don't give it to you for.

01:13:56.000 I was smoking weed way before it came up for medical excuses.

01:13:59.000 Medical excuses?

01:14:01.000 Yeah, I was smoking weed to get fucked up and see the devil, plain and simple.

01:14:04.000 To see it the way it was every fucking day.

01:14:07.000 That's why I smoke weed.

01:14:09.000 But now, you know, now it's because of the medical thing out here and whatever, but do I see a difference in people?

01:14:15.000 Yeah, I understand what you're saying.

01:14:17.000 You can talk to them a little deeper.

01:14:18.000 You can actually even catch them.

01:14:20.000 Some people who don't smoke weed, you can't catch them on anything or even confront them on anything because they might have a fucking heart attack.

01:14:27.000 People who smoke weed get to a point where you might take them somewhere and they'll giggle at themselves.

01:14:32.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:14:33.000 There's an attitude.

01:14:35.000 Right.

01:14:35.000 Well, the people that can't laugh at themselves are really a pain in the ass to hang out with.

01:14:39.000 You gotta laugh at yourself.

01:14:41.000 Anybody who can't laugh at themselves is annoying.

01:14:44.000 Those are the most annoying humans.

01:14:46.000 You can't make fun of your own self at all.

01:14:48.000 You don't think...

01:14:49.000 What are you, perfect?

01:14:51.000 What kind of douchebag are you?

01:14:52.000 What are you, the messiah?

01:14:53.000 You motherfucker?

01:14:55.000 You know, one of the funniest things about Jesus...

01:14:57.000 You know, we were talking about people that we know that are going crazy Jesus lately...

01:15:01.000 One of the funniest things about Jesus is that if Jesus actually really did come back, nobody would fucking ever believe him.

01:15:08.000 Not a chance in hell.

01:15:09.000 There's not a chance in hell.

01:15:11.000 If that dude wearing sandals and robes and his beard, just like in the pictures, was walking down the street with holes in his hand and blood coming out of his hand, people would probably fucking arrest him.

01:15:21.000 They'd either shoot him or arrest him or get him on antidepressants.

01:15:25.000 Well, Jesus can't just show up to a party and say, I'm Jesus.

01:15:28.000 He's got to do something.

01:15:29.000 He's got to do something.

01:15:30.000 He's got to do a big fucking trick.

01:15:31.000 They would say this is the devil.

01:15:33.000 This is the devil trying to pretend he's Jesus.

01:15:34.000 He's got to set up like Gabe Rudiger against GSP and for Gabe Rudiger to take GSP down.

01:15:40.000 And fucking break his fucking shoulder.

01:15:42.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:15:42.000 Like something to that effect.

01:15:44.000 Something just fucking...

01:15:45.000 That's what Jesus did.

01:15:47.000 That's that ridiculous?

01:15:48.000 That would be a miracle?

01:15:50.000 That would be enough to convince?

01:15:52.000 It's like Joey Diaz going down to 185 and winning the fucking Olympics.

01:15:56.000 That's funny.

01:15:57.000 That wouldn't even work.

01:15:58.000 You'd have to fly.

01:15:59.000 You'd have to come back from the dead.

01:16:00.000 I mean, think about the shit that Jesus did.

01:16:02.000 He healed the sick.

01:16:03.000 Didn't he cure blind people?

01:16:05.000 Was that one of the ones?

01:16:06.000 Yeah.

01:16:06.000 Turned water into wine?

01:16:07.000 No, that was Moses who cut the ocean.

01:16:09.000 Did he turn water into wine?

01:16:10.000 He did, right?

01:16:11.000 Let me ask you something on the other side.

01:16:12.000 Can you imagine they drug tested comics?

01:16:15.000 We were talking about the other day.

01:16:18.000 Let's say you got a really bad comic and he kills three nights in a row like comics would get together.

01:16:22.000 Come here.

01:16:23.000 The guy's on weed.

01:16:23.000 The guy's on fucking something, though.

01:16:25.000 He's on testosterone.

01:16:26.000 We better check him out.

01:16:27.000 Well, we're all on performance enhancing supplements when it comes to comedy.

01:16:30.000 What?

01:16:31.000 Weed?

01:16:31.000 Weed and alpha brain together?

01:16:33.000 There's no doubt about it.

01:16:34.000 That's a goddamn performance in here.

01:16:35.000 Weed, for me, loosens me.

01:16:37.000 And an edible, to a certain degree.

01:16:39.000 Like, if I eat the edible at a certain time and I'm all wired up, I'll eat death on fucking stage.

01:16:45.000 Right.

01:16:45.000 But it comes to a point in time with an edible when I just get giggly as fuck.

01:16:49.000 And now you can't stop me at that point.

01:16:51.000 Yeah, that's like a comfortable level.

01:16:54.000 The scary skiing feeling when you're skiing through the universe on an edible.

01:17:00.000 Oh, I can't stop!

01:17:02.000 That's not good.

01:17:02.000 When you're stoned and it's dark at the comedy store.

01:17:06.000 That's it right there.

01:17:07.000 When you're stoned and it's fucking dark.

01:17:10.000 When you don't see nobody but the three people in front of you that you're talking to.

01:17:15.000 Stoned and dark.

01:17:16.000 And you think you're speaking in the dark.

01:17:18.000 You're just talking into the darkness.

01:17:19.000 There's laughter.

01:17:20.000 But you don't question it.

01:17:21.000 Because you're fucked up.

01:17:23.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:17:23.000 And that hollow echo feeling in the room.

01:17:26.000 That OR, man.

01:17:28.000 You want to talk about a historic room.

01:17:30.000 As far as comedy rooms...

01:17:32.000 That original room was one of the most historic rooms ever in the art form of comedy.

01:17:39.000 There was a weird feeling always just being on that stage.

01:17:43.000 That was always like, wow.

01:17:45.000 It doesn't matter how many years it did stand up.

01:17:48.000 When you're on stage in the original room, you're like, wow, this is a crazy old spot.

01:17:51.000 My breath just got taken away because I finally figured out how I could explain the OR to people because they'll get it.

01:17:59.000 When you go to a gym, the older the gym The more you can smell it.

01:18:04.000 And I don't mean armpit.

01:18:05.000 There's a different odor to a gym.

01:18:07.000 It's like when you go to a good jujitsu school, you can smell a little foot.

01:18:11.000 It's not overwhelming, but you can smell just a little foot in the air.

01:18:15.000 You're like, this is a good fucking gym.

01:18:18.000 It's just that perfect amount of foot.

01:18:19.000 It's not cheese.

01:18:21.000 It's just foot.

01:18:22.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:18:22.000 It's just foot.

01:18:23.000 Well, there's one thing that you do get from places that have a lot of experience, and that's like they have a weird vibe to them, like the Ice House.

01:18:31.000 Like, we were at the Ice House the other day after it was closed.

01:18:34.000 It was dark out, and we're standing in the back.

01:18:36.000 I was like, feel this room, man.

01:18:37.000 This room has got, like, a crazy vibration.

01:18:40.000 It sounds like total, like, hippie bullshit.

01:18:43.000 That sounds like...

01:18:45.000 Nonsense.

01:18:46.000 Like, objects do not have memory.

01:18:48.000 That's what Cara Santa Maria would tell you.

01:18:50.000 There's no evidence that objects have memory.

01:18:53.000 But there's a feel that places have.

01:18:55.000 Whether that's a self-imposed feel, you've maybe created it in your own imagination.

01:19:00.000 But when I stand in the back room of the ice house, I stand there, I just go, wow.

01:19:05.000 This is a crazy-ass room.

01:19:06.000 Like, Steve Martin motherfucking performed here.

01:19:09.000 You know what I mean?

01:19:10.000 I mean, I watched George Lopez kill there in the 90s.

01:19:15.000 Kill!

01:19:15.000 When George Lopez was on fire.

01:19:17.000 Like, the late 90s.

01:19:19.000 Before George Lopez had any TV shows, maybe he had a few things going on when he was just hitting it hard in the clubs every night.

01:19:26.000 I watched him destroy that ice house.

01:19:30.000 There's like a sign up there when George Lopez was at his prime there where he sold out like fucking 15 shows in a row there or something crazy like that, you know?

01:19:39.000 And that place has seen some shit.

01:19:42.000 No, but it's nothing like walking up the stairs into the original room.

01:19:46.000 Nothing like making that left up those stairs when you're walking straight and somebody goes, where?

01:19:50.000 There.

01:19:51.000 Right or wrong?

01:19:52.000 You know what I'm talking about?

01:19:53.000 Can you feel it, motherfuckers?

01:19:54.000 When you first go in there, you're like, which way?

01:19:56.000 Okay.

01:19:57.000 Move that curtain aside.

01:19:58.000 And you walk up those fucking stairs, and just that odor, it smells like a little bit of booze, a little bit like pussy, a little bit of sweat, bad comedy, good comedy, but it smells like...

01:20:11.000 It just smells like success.

01:20:12.000 It just smells like something.

01:20:14.000 Something is in the air that you gotta do your thing in there.

01:20:16.000 You really gotta do your thing in there.

01:20:18.000 And then when you sit in the back and you feel the lights would go off and on, and you'd hear that zzzz, zzzz, zzzz, zzzz, the lights.

01:20:28.000 It was just a weird little comedy thing.

01:20:30.000 You ever get to do, you hosted open mics there, right?

01:20:33.000 That was my job.

01:20:34.000 I hosted the open mic, but I was the 10 o'clock guy.

01:20:37.000 You know what's cool about that?

01:20:39.000 When the lights were on with all the different people's names.

01:20:41.000 Please, yeah.

01:20:42.000 You know, you get to see Sam Kinison and Neon.

01:20:45.000 That was one of my biggest scams of all time, hosting at the Comedy Store.

01:20:48.000 Why was it a scam?

01:20:49.000 Because I had a perfect deal.

01:20:52.000 I would fucking go up there.

01:20:55.000 Get 25 bucks to host.

01:20:56.000 I would do 20, 15 up front.

01:20:58.000 I would either call Rogan or Dice and tell them to come down because I was hosting and I'd put you up first.

01:21:03.000 You guys went up in an hour and I'd go home.

01:21:07.000 And Don Barris would close the show.

01:21:09.000 And that's the way it was.

01:21:10.000 I would go up there to do a set and bring up a fucking star and leave.

01:21:13.000 You know what the problem was though?

01:21:15.000 When we were there all the time, we were doing Comedy Store Comedy.

01:21:18.000 And then when we would go somewhere else, We would bring Comedy Store Comedy to them too, and there was a lot of places that could not handle it.

01:21:25.000 Remember when you got fucking kicked out of Dublin?

01:21:30.000 This is like fucking 97 or something like that.

01:21:33.000 We go and do a set at Dublin's.

01:21:35.000 And all of a sudden I hear yelling and whatnot.

01:21:39.000 Joey has got some chick in an ice house.

01:21:42.000 Like a freezer.

01:21:43.000 Like a giant in-room freezer.

01:21:44.000 And he's eating coke off her pussy.

01:21:46.000 And security comes in and tells him he's got to stop.

01:21:50.000 There's a camera in the fucking liquor.

01:21:51.000 There's a camera in there and they were watching it.

01:21:53.000 That place is closed now, right?

01:21:55.000 Yeah, it's closed.

01:21:56.000 I put the coke in my sock and the cops came.

01:21:59.000 And I'm standing in front of the fucking thing with the chick crying with her girlfriends.

01:22:03.000 I've never had that happen before.

01:22:05.000 And the guy with the long hair, remember that he stopped you that night?

01:22:09.000 This guy almost died and all this shit.

01:22:11.000 Because he was there with them.

01:22:13.000 I see the girl in the hallway and I'm like, let's go downstairs.

01:22:16.000 She's got a blow.

01:22:17.000 Alonzo Bowden's talking to me.

01:22:18.000 Yeah, didn't he say something stupid like, I almost fucking killed him?

01:22:21.000 Yeah, get the fuck out of here.

01:22:24.000 But the best is I'm sitting there.

01:22:25.000 Fuckin', I got the eight ball in my sock, cause I'm not giving that motherfucker up till the cops get there.

01:22:30.000 Fuck you.

01:22:31.000 I'm old school.

01:22:32.000 If the cops want to, nothing happens.

01:22:34.000 Where's the rest of the drugs?

01:22:35.000 They're downstairs.

01:22:35.000 Let me search you.

01:22:36.000 You can't search me.

01:22:37.000 You can't fuckin' search me.

01:22:39.000 You have no reason.

01:22:39.000 It's his word against mine.

01:22:41.000 Where's the tape?

01:22:42.000 You know, I would've held on to that coke, but the savior that night was Ralphie May.

01:22:46.000 He went to the All You Could Eat at the Japanese fuckin' place across the street.

01:22:50.000 What's the name of the Japanese place?

01:22:52.000 The Yagi's.

01:22:54.000 Is that place there anymore?

01:22:55.000 No.

01:22:56.000 It's a pink taco now.

01:22:58.000 Is it a pink taco now?

01:22:59.000 Yeah, it's a pink taco now.

01:23:00.000 Is it a taco place now?

01:23:01.000 It's a pink taco, that place from Vegas.

01:23:04.000 Do you know the pink tacos, that place in the Hard Rock in Vegas?

01:23:07.000 Good place.

01:23:07.000 They opened a taco.

01:23:11.000 It's a hot place, too.

01:23:13.000 It's where all the celebrities go to eat $20 tacos.

01:23:16.000 So what happened to the taco place up the corner?

01:23:19.000 The little one on the corner.

01:23:20.000 It's like $92 to get two tacos in there.

01:23:23.000 Not bad tacos, though.

01:23:25.000 Yeah, there was a lot of...

01:23:26.000 Benito's is the best.

01:23:27.000 Is Benito's good?

01:23:28.000 You like Benito's?

01:23:29.000 Benito's is fantastic, and it's 24 hours.

01:23:31.000 Is that on Beverly?

01:23:32.000 Is that where that is?

01:23:33.000 Ah, yeah.

01:23:34.000 We used to always go there after the improv.

01:23:35.000 That place is sensational.

01:23:37.000 That is legit.

01:23:38.000 What do you get over at Benito's?

01:23:40.000 Cane Asada, my friend.

01:23:41.000 Oh, shit.

01:23:42.000 With extra hot sauce.

01:23:43.000 Don't play games.

01:23:44.000 Oh, shit.

01:23:45.000 Get that Cane Asada with all the real fresh chopped cilantro and onions in that motherfucker, and they have pickled jalapenos there.

01:23:52.000 Take your chances with those bitches.

01:23:54.000 Yeah, and then throw some hot sauce on that fucker.

01:23:57.000 Googly boogly and shit.

01:23:58.000 And by the way, it's packed with drunks.

01:24:00.000 Packed with drunks.

01:24:01.000 You'll always find somebody you know there.

01:24:03.000 There's always somebody you know there.

01:24:04.000 Or a victim.

01:24:05.000 After a comedy show.

01:24:06.000 Or a victim.

01:24:07.000 You like tacos?

01:24:08.000 I'm gonna go over to my house.

01:24:09.000 Yeah, can we come too?

01:24:10.000 Yeah, let me make a left on the fucking corner.

01:24:11.000 Get the fuck out of here.

01:24:12.000 You guys don't do coke, do you?

01:24:13.000 Oh my god.

01:24:15.000 I don't do it either, but I just ask.

01:24:17.000 I mean, I don't do it.

01:24:17.000 I will.

01:24:17.000 I mean, if you have it, I will.

01:24:19.000 But the last place I went to, they had a bunch of cocaine.

01:24:21.000 I didn't like it.

01:24:22.000 I don't even remember what happened, but I got VD, and I didn't even know it until I gave it to Joey Diaz.

01:24:26.000 No, I got chlamydia, bitch.

01:24:28.000 Big fucking difference.

01:24:30.000 I've never seen the leakage out of my helmet.

01:24:32.000 I've seen it out of her fucking pussy.

01:24:33.000 That's where I've seen it.

01:24:34.000 How did you know you had it then?

01:24:35.000 Because I had itches.

01:24:36.000 I had a fucking burning sensation in the tube.

01:24:39.000 You had a burning temptation in the fucking tube.

01:24:42.000 This should be something that they sell you.

01:24:45.000 Have you made a critical error with your penis?

01:24:48.000 This should be something you could just slap on or kill 99.999% of it.

01:24:52.000 Shoot it in the tube.

01:24:53.000 Shoot it right in the hole.

01:24:54.000 Right in the piss hole.

01:24:55.000 And then wipe it on the outside and it kills almost everything.

01:24:58.000 Well, the foot spray says it kills 99% of all viruses.

01:25:02.000 And so what I did...

01:25:03.000 No, you didn't.

01:25:04.000 What I was going to do is spray it on my dick and then I was in the bathroom doing it and I looked over at the mouthwash And it's a 98% on it also, or 99%.

01:25:16.000 I'm like, it can't be the same percent.

01:25:18.000 You know, like that one thing has to be different.

01:25:20.000 What's the odds?

01:25:21.000 But I think that 1% is like AIDS or something.

01:25:23.000 I think it's probably just alcohol, right?

01:25:27.000 Is that what's killing everything?

01:25:28.000 So I think that number is the same, whether it's the mouthwash.

01:25:32.000 Is foot spray the same though as the mouthwash?

01:25:33.000 I don't know.

01:25:34.000 I don't know what kind of foot spray you're rocking.

01:25:36.000 Foot spray freezes your dick, so you can do it from a distance.

01:25:39.000 Don't do it really close up.

01:25:40.000 Because it comes out like freezing.

01:25:43.000 Like it could freeze something.

01:25:45.000 Have you ever seen that stuff that you use to clean off the spray that you use to clean off keyboards?

01:25:51.000 Yeah, same thing.

01:25:52.000 You know how it gets really, really cold?

01:25:53.000 That's the same thing.

01:25:54.000 I read somewhere that someone was addicted to that spray.

01:25:57.000 I used to do it in high school, but I wasn't addicted to it.

01:26:01.000 That's the worst.

01:26:02.000 What the fuck does it do?

01:26:04.000 It's just like, you know, nitrous oxide, like everyone did nitrous.

01:26:07.000 Whippets.

01:26:07.000 Yeah, Whippets.

01:26:08.000 It's like that, but it's like a shittier version of it.

01:26:11.000 And it just kind of makes you go wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.

01:26:12.000 I worked at a Newport Creamery, which is an ice cream place in Newton, Massachusetts.

01:26:17.000 And I never, I think I did Whippets once, but it didn't really work with me.

01:26:21.000 But the people that worked there, there was this one kid.

01:26:24.000 I'll just say his last name because he knows friends.

01:26:27.000 He knows people that I know now.

01:26:29.000 His name is Charles.

01:26:29.000 I don't know if he wants this information released.

01:26:32.000 But Charles was working there as I was working there.

01:26:34.000 And he would tell somebody, watch the grill real quick.

01:26:37.000 And he would run in the back.

01:26:38.000 And he was cooking while I was doing dishes.

01:26:40.000 And he would run in the back and grab the thing.

01:26:44.000 Do a whip it and then run back out to the grill.

01:26:47.000 Twist it out of his head.

01:26:49.000 The best is what they call nitrous hits.

01:26:51.000 What you do is you take a balloon and you fill the balloon up with nitrous bong hits.

01:26:55.000 You fill the balloon up and then you put it on the bong somehow.

01:27:00.000 I can't remember how to do it.

01:27:01.000 So when you...

01:27:01.000 Inhale the bong, it's all nitrous air.

01:27:04.000 So you're getting pot air mixed with nitrous air when you hit it.

01:27:08.000 See, that's something only white people would come up with.

01:27:11.000 And then snow bong hits where you pack your bong full of snow in the wintertime.

01:27:14.000 You suck it through the snow.

01:27:16.000 I've seen that.

01:27:17.000 I've done it a thousand times.

01:27:19.000 In Colorado, I love it.

01:27:20.000 I love it.

01:27:21.000 I would get the fresh snow and pack in the bong.

01:27:24.000 Smoke, I love all that.

01:27:25.000 But now if I have a bong, I put ice in it too.

01:27:27.000 Well, we used to smoke bongs before we did the podcast, but the problem is you get too stony, you don't know what you're talking about.

01:27:33.000 It's like, if you're going to do bong hits and then do a podcast, you've got to take an hour or two before you talk, because you're not going to really have your fucking sea legs under you, as Dennis McKenna would say.

01:27:44.000 Is that joint still rocking, by the way?

01:27:46.000 Yeah, it's right over here.

01:27:48.000 You wouldn't...

01:27:49.000 You can't, you know...

01:27:51.000 Bongs are too strong.

01:27:54.000 Vaporizers, don't you find...

01:27:56.000 Don't you find vaporizers to be a different experience?

01:27:59.000 It doesn't seem to be the same experience as just smoking it.

01:28:03.000 I want to get one of those vape pens.

01:28:04.000 I have one at the house.

01:28:06.000 This guy had one last night that was mint chocolate.

01:28:10.000 I'm like, alright, these vape pens aren't the best.

01:28:12.000 Whatever, I don't care.

01:28:13.000 I took two hits off that, and it tasted so delicious.

01:28:15.000 It tasted like ice cream, and I was so fucking stoned off that thing.

01:28:20.000 Everyone has them now in L.A. Everyone has these pins that look like little...

01:28:23.000 In six months, that's going to be the thing.

01:28:24.000 That's the big thing, right?

01:28:25.000 And somebody's going to invent one that's going to fuck people up.

01:28:30.000 You know, that's the bottom line.

01:28:32.000 Somebody's really going to...

01:28:33.000 Like, the Eureka gets me high, but at night, I don't get high.

01:28:38.000 At night, I won't get high, and I've got to switch up the tubes a lot.

01:28:47.000 Let me ask you this, Joe Diaz.

01:28:50.000 If you were going to do anything with this room, what would you suggest being done here with this new studio?

01:28:58.000 Well, outside you have to have a mat out there.

01:29:00.000 A mat for jiu-jitsu?

01:29:01.000 Yes.

01:29:03.000 Absolutely.

01:29:04.000 Your office is in there.

01:29:05.000 Right.

01:29:06.000 That's your office.

01:29:07.000 You know, what's the waiting room?

01:29:09.000 In case people come by and there's an extra room.

01:29:13.000 There ain't no fucking extra people.

01:29:15.000 We had a couple people here the other day.

01:29:16.000 Dennis brought a posse with them.

01:29:17.000 Russell Peters comes here?

01:29:19.000 You're going to need that just for him.

01:29:20.000 Really?

01:29:20.000 Just for his ego.

01:29:21.000 Oh!

01:29:24.000 Well, where else can you put the pool table?

01:29:25.000 Just kidding, Russell.

01:29:26.000 I know I love you.

01:29:27.000 I would definitely have a Matt up here, though.

01:29:28.000 A lot of people are mad at Russell Peters because of that Mixmaster Mike interview.

01:29:32.000 I thought he added a lot to it.

01:29:34.000 He added a lot of DJ knowledge, you know, told us a lot of shit about needles.

01:29:38.000 Why are people such haters?

01:29:39.000 I talked to him about it a couple days ago.

01:29:41.000 What did he say?

01:29:42.000 He was bummed about it.

01:29:44.000 Because, you know, Twitter is so harsh.

01:29:46.000 You know what it is?

01:29:47.000 It's just a bunch of mean cunts.

01:29:49.000 Yeah.

01:29:49.000 I mean, most people, like, why not just listen to it and just take it in?

01:29:52.000 It was a goddamn three-hour conversation.

01:29:54.000 Mike told a lot of shit about working with the Beastie Boys.

01:29:57.000 Right.

01:29:57.000 Told a lot of shit about DJing, being in front of...

01:29:59.000 He said he was in front of 400,000 fucking people.

01:30:03.000 400,000 people in Germany.

01:30:04.000 By the way, his CD's out now.

01:30:06.000 His free CD's out.

01:30:07.000 Where do you get it?

01:30:08.000 I think it's MixMasterMike.com.

01:30:10.000 MixMasterMike.com.

01:30:11.000 I believe the I's are all ones.

01:30:14.000 Yeah.

01:30:14.000 I think it's one of those...

01:30:15.000 He's leet.

01:30:17.000 Remember that back in the video game days?

01:30:20.000 He'd be leet.

01:30:21.000 On his Twitter, yeah, I think it's one.

01:30:23.000 But his website's MixMasterMike.com using the regular spelling.

01:30:27.000 It's a free CD and it's really good.

01:30:29.000 It's a remix CD. And he's cool as fuck.

01:30:32.000 It was awesome having him on the podcast.

01:30:35.000 Even if Russell Peters did fuck up the interview.

01:30:36.000 Russell, you didn't.

01:30:38.000 You didn't.

01:30:39.000 Russell's a sweetie.

01:30:39.000 I don't know how anybody could not like Russell.

01:30:41.000 You're bipolar today.

01:30:43.000 No, I'm just playing.

01:30:45.000 I'm just joking.

01:30:46.000 Russell Polar.

01:30:48.000 Russell fucking Pete is a nice kid.

01:30:50.000 He's a really gentleman.

01:30:51.000 He's a great guy.

01:30:52.000 He takes a good cab.

01:30:53.000 A lot of good friends of mine.

01:30:54.000 He does.

01:30:54.000 He takes a good cab.

01:30:56.000 You know what I like?

01:30:57.000 I like when a guy hits big like he does and becomes more generous.

01:31:02.000 That's how he is.

01:31:04.000 You know something he did I didn't know about?

01:31:05.000 I found out the other day when Sam...

01:31:07.000 There was an HBO special.

01:31:10.000 They originally wanted to have Sam on the HBO special or the Comedy Central special, but then at the last second they're like, alright, we don't have enough money for you, Sam, to pay for you and to film it and all that stuff, so we're not going to have you on the special.

01:31:25.000 So Russell paid out of his own pocket, like paid for them to film it and put it on the special, and that really pumped up Sam Tripoli like five years ago or so.

01:31:34.000 That totally sounds like something he would do.

01:31:35.000 He's a perfect example of a guy who's got a lot of great things that are happening for him.

01:31:40.000 Like if you see Russell was showing me pictures on his phone, he's doing like 15,000 seat arenas.

01:31:47.000 And he's doing them on a regular basis.

01:31:49.000 And he's a perfect example of a guy who's just a fucking sweetheart of a guy, and people go to see him, they have a great experience, and they tell more people about him, and then they come and see him more, and then he's got swarms of people.

01:32:01.000 And it all happened, by the way, because they liked his stuff.

01:32:05.000 This didn't happen because he was on some fucking crazy sitcom, it didn't happen because he was in a great movie, It happened because he had YouTube clips.

01:32:12.000 People saw the YouTube clips and said, this guy is awesome.

01:32:15.000 And then it all grew from there.

01:32:17.000 He has one of the...

01:32:19.000 Russell Peters is one of the best internet success stories ever.

01:32:23.000 He really does.

01:32:24.000 As far as us, as far as comics that have gone from just putting out a video and then making it huge in big places, Russell's the fucking man.

01:32:33.000 And he's a sweetheart.

01:32:35.000 I've hung out with that guy in Vegas so many times.

01:32:37.000 He gave me this fucking watch.

01:32:38.000 Gave it to me.

01:32:39.000 He's a gentleman.

01:32:40.000 See this watch?

01:32:40.000 This is like a really nice watch.

01:32:42.000 It's a Breitling.

01:32:43.000 And all I did is I said, we were at a bar.

01:32:45.000 You were there.

01:32:46.000 I said, hey man.

01:32:46.000 It's like a $10,000 watch, right?

01:32:47.000 Or something crazy like that?

01:32:48.000 I don't know what it costs, but it's pretty...

01:32:50.000 You traded watches and he threw your watch away the next day because it smelled.

01:32:55.000 My watch, I would wear it at the gym.

01:32:57.000 Sorry, it had a leather band on it.

01:32:59.000 I'd be lifting weights with that watch.

01:33:01.000 You should have kept it.

01:33:01.000 That smell would have attracted powerful females.

01:33:05.000 Yeah, I looked at his watch and I go, that's a cool watch, man.

01:33:09.000 Just like that.

01:33:11.000 I just go, that's a cool watch.

01:33:12.000 And he goes, here, it's yours.

01:33:13.000 And I go, get the fuck out of here, man.

01:33:14.000 He's like, take it, take it, take it.

01:33:16.000 Grabs my hand, sticks it over my hand.

01:33:19.000 It's ridiculous.

01:33:20.000 Or Buck Angel.

01:33:21.000 It would attract Buck Angel.

01:33:24.000 My watch would attract Buck Angel.

01:33:26.000 How much do you want for the watch?

01:33:27.000 I need that.

01:33:28.000 That's the last piece to my puzzle.

01:33:29.000 If I put that watch on, I'll be fucking manly.

01:33:33.000 I wonder if girls who become boys still stink like dudes do.

01:33:38.000 Because dudes put out a certain fucking...

01:33:40.000 Pheromones.

01:33:40.000 Stinky dudes put out a certain odor that you don't get from stinky chicks.

01:33:44.000 When you're in the line...

01:33:46.000 At the airport when you're going through security, so you're forced to be like really close to people, and you get a whiff of a motherfucker.

01:33:52.000 It's very rarely a girl.

01:33:54.000 It's almost always a dude.

01:33:56.000 There's always a dude who's like, whoa, this motherfucker stinks!

01:34:00.000 That like heavy, rotten, underarm smell.

01:34:02.000 Butthole smell, too, sometimes.

01:34:04.000 Apparently, I found the answer to our question earlier about underarms.

01:34:08.000 And what it was, women started shaving their legs in, it was like the 1940s.

01:34:15.000 Or, like, 1915, rather.

01:34:18.000 There was a campaign for women to shave their underarm hair.

01:34:23.000 Because before 1915, women didn't shave their underarm hair.

01:34:27.000 They all went straight Madonna.

01:34:29.000 And there was a sustained, they were browbeaten into this In 1915, apparently.

01:34:35.000 I would like to find out what the campaigns looked like.

01:34:41.000 But it was in Harper's Bazaar, a magazine aimed at the upper crust.

01:34:45.000 The first ad featured a waist-up photograph of a young woman who appears to be dressed in a slip.

01:34:50.000 With a toga-like outfit covering one shoulder, her arms are arched over her head, revealing perfectly clear armpits.

01:34:58.000 The first part of the ad read, Summer dress and modern dancing combine to make necessary the removal of objectionable hair.

01:35:07.000 So that's what it is.

01:35:08.000 They just showed some women some unrealistic vision, much like we have seen in our lifetime with pussy, like we were talking about earlier.

01:35:16.000 When I was a kid, a girl would pull her pants down and you got what you got.

01:35:20.000 You got welcome to the jungle.

01:35:22.000 You got fucking craziness.

01:35:23.000 We didn't do anything with our pubes.

01:35:25.000 They didn't do anything with theirs.

01:35:26.000 And if a girl did shave her pussy, oh my god, it was like chaos.

01:35:30.000 I had a girl that broke up with her boyfriend, okay, and then we got back together again and we couldn't have sex.

01:35:37.000 She goes, we can't have sex.

01:35:38.000 I go, why?

01:35:39.000 She goes, we can't, I can't.

01:35:40.000 I go, why?

01:35:41.000 What's wrong?

01:35:41.000 She goes, I shaved myself down there for him.

01:35:45.000 She was embarrassed that her pussy hair hadn't grown back yet.

01:35:49.000 So I was like, it's alright.

01:35:51.000 It's no big deal.

01:35:53.000 You just don't have any pussy hair.

01:35:54.000 Come on.

01:35:55.000 What, I don't know that you had sex with this guy?

01:35:56.000 Settle the fuck down.

01:35:57.000 I can do two.

01:35:58.000 I can do the math.

01:35:59.000 I'm ashamed.

01:36:02.000 She was ashamed.

01:36:03.000 She was ashamed that she shaved off her pussy hair for this guy.

01:36:05.000 Isn't that hilarious?

01:36:06.000 She couldn't just say, yeah, that's my new thing.

01:36:09.000 You know, fuck pussy hair.

01:36:10.000 No, it was dirty.

01:36:11.000 It was dirty for her.

01:36:13.000 She had done a dirty, dirty thing.

01:36:14.000 She shaved her pussy.

01:36:15.000 Oh my god.

01:36:16.000 You know what I did for him?

01:36:17.000 What?

01:36:18.000 I shaved my pussy.

01:36:19.000 No you didn't!

01:36:20.000 Shut up!

01:36:22.000 Let me see.

01:36:23.000 They would pull their underwear down and then that girl would go immediately and tell all of her friends.

01:36:28.000 That dirty bitch is shaving her pussy.

01:36:31.000 Shut the fuck up.

01:36:32.000 Give me a cigarette.

01:36:33.000 I need a cigarette right now.

01:36:34.000 I can't believe this.

01:36:35.000 Oh my god, that whore.

01:36:37.000 That whore is shaving her pussy.

01:36:40.000 All these chicks in Boston would sit around smoking cigarettes, talk shit about if you should've shaved your pussy.

01:36:44.000 They found out a fucking whore.

01:36:46.000 Why don't you just put a sign and say, come fuck me?

01:36:48.000 Huh?

01:36:49.000 Huh?

01:36:52.000 Anti-arm hair ads began appearing in middle brow McCall's in 1917. Women's razors and depilatories?

01:37:02.000 What's depilatory?

01:37:03.000 I guess that pulls it out from the roots, right?

01:37:05.000 Those are those horrible ones.

01:37:07.000 You ever seen those things?

01:37:09.000 They look like fucking springs and they just wrap around your armpit hair and yank them out of the roots?

01:37:13.000 Yeah.

01:37:14.000 Yeah, fuck that.

01:37:15.000 Whoa, that's gay.

01:37:16.000 That's very gay.

01:37:18.000 That's very gay.

01:37:19.000 That's uncomfortable.

01:37:20.000 That's uncomfortably gay.

01:37:22.000 Woo!

01:37:23.000 Some about a dude that's too lean.

01:37:25.000 So Instagram, the president of Instagram...

01:37:27.000 Please tell me this.

01:37:28.000 Yes.

01:37:29.000 So originally what happened is Instagram supposedly had these new rules out saying, and in the rules it was deciphered that Instagram can sell your photos to a third party.

01:37:40.000 So say like you're an advertising company that's like, hey, I want to buy some photos of girls kissing balloons.

01:37:45.000 And then so that you could go in there and they could just buy your photos and make money off your photos.

01:37:51.000 Meaning they can turn a profit on your photos.

01:37:53.000 So you might be able to go to a store one day to buy Mountain Dew, and there's a picture of you laughing with a Mountain Dew in your hand that you put on your Instagram.

01:38:02.000 Exactly.

01:38:03.000 But Instagram, just within the last couple hours, the co-owner or president or something like that said that this is not the case.

01:38:11.000 This is just a mis...

01:38:13.000 People are taking this wrong.

01:38:15.000 We are not selling the photos.

01:38:17.000 You own the photos.

01:38:18.000 Blah, blah, blah.

01:38:19.000 But...

01:38:20.000 That seems kind of weird.

01:38:21.000 Why is it written down that way?

01:38:23.000 Unless they change the terms, there's still some question there.

01:38:29.000 I guess there's more developing about it, so we'll figure it out soon.

01:38:34.000 You have until January 16th where this new term kicks in.

01:38:38.000 If you delete your account, supposedly, and all your photos by that time, then they won't I have the photos.

01:38:45.000 It's probably some mad backlash.

01:38:47.000 That's what that probably was.

01:38:48.000 Yeah, it looks like it.

01:38:48.000 They got caught, pretty much.

01:38:50.000 But Instagram is now owned by Facebook, and Facebook also is going through the same kind of shit right now with this whole, like, do they own your property?

01:38:58.000 Can they, you know...

01:38:59.000 Well, I think it's really important.

01:39:00.000 I mean, if there's anything, any, like, function that groups like Anonymous serve, you know, that it's really important.

01:39:07.000 It's not just, like, political and governmental stuff, but shit like this.

01:39:11.000 To keep companies on their toes.

01:39:12.000 Like, hackers?

01:39:14.000 Like, just the threat of someone realizing that there's an imbalance and wanting to correct it.

01:39:19.000 You know?

01:39:20.000 That these really intelligent kids that are in Russia and shit from all sorts of places where you can't get them through a hundred proxies, they will come down on you, man.

01:39:29.000 They will come fuck you.

01:39:31.000 And, you know, I think Instagram probably recognized that.

01:39:34.000 I hope that's not what it was.

01:39:36.000 I hope that there really was a misunderstanding in the first place.

01:39:39.000 You never want to hear that a company is thinking about selling all your fucking pictures.

01:39:42.000 Well, you also have to think that a lot of times that this happens all the time.

01:39:46.000 You sign up for a website and you upload something to their computers.

01:39:51.000 They actually do pretty much own that.

01:39:54.000 If you look at it as basic as if you have your own website and it's a computer...

01:40:00.000 I think?

01:40:20.000 They can take all those computers and look at all your pictures and they own your pictures.

01:40:24.000 Right, but I think the real issue in this country is if you try to sell it.

01:40:27.000 But it's the idea that you also don't really think like, shit, every single text that I do back and forth between people on Facebook...

01:40:35.000 Or any photo that I have hidden in my inbox.

01:40:38.000 Or anything that I have private that no one can see except me.

01:40:42.000 All that can be seen by somebody.

01:40:45.000 And somebody can own that and take that.

01:40:47.000 So if you ever say or do anything, they pretty much...

01:40:51.000 Get to do whatever the fuck they want with it, except sell it, I guess is the big thing.

01:40:56.000 Yeah, I think the big thing, though, is to sell it, especially the using it for advertising.

01:41:00.000 So as long as they're not going to do that, they will escape the wrath of the fucking Legion.

01:41:04.000 Yeah, but what if it's something like, you know, how this guy is talking today about, like, you know, we are not going to sell your stuff, you know, you don't...

01:41:12.000 What if he's just also saying that as a backlash but in a way of like, yeah, we're not going to sell it.

01:41:17.000 We're going to get money to sponsor a company and then we're just going to give them your photos.

01:41:24.000 You know what I mean?

01:41:25.000 They're doing some kind of back snag away where they're getting paid for it But just not directly.

01:41:32.000 I guess that's possible.

01:41:33.000 But I think you also have to think of, what is this service worth and why am I getting it for free?

01:41:38.000 What am I giving them?

01:41:40.000 I'm giving them a bunch of users.

01:41:41.000 Well, a bunch of users ain't worth shit unless you can get something out of it.

01:41:45.000 So what is it worth?

01:41:46.000 Is it worth That they put a little ad in the corner of your picture when people go to look at me.

01:41:50.000 Where's the line that you draw?

01:41:52.000 Because we're basically getting this free service where we get to upload these photos.

01:41:56.000 And one of the things that you and I know about from doing this podcast is that bandwidth costs a lot of fucking money.

01:42:01.000 If you're like...

01:42:03.000 If you're a company like Instagram, they must be dealing in insane gigabytes to run their servers.

01:42:09.000 That's why I don't understand how Instagram even became big.

01:42:12.000 I know it's the filter thing.

01:42:13.000 Everyone wants to see the filters.

01:42:16.000 Filters are so big right now.

01:42:17.000 That's what it is.

01:42:17.000 It's girls pretending to look different than they look.

01:42:21.000 Superior companies like Flickr, who I've been using for a long time, where you pay a little bit, I think it's like 40 bucks a year, but you own everything.

01:42:29.000 You don't have to worry about this Instagram shit like that.

01:42:32.000 When it comes to filters, half the apps That you have on your phone just make filters and you just send it to Flickr.

01:42:38.000 The thing about Instagram, though, is it became a phone thing, whereas Flickr was like a computer thing.

01:42:44.000 Right.

01:42:45.000 Instagram became a way for people to communicate, like Twitter style.

01:42:49.000 Twitter style.

01:42:50.000 With a picture.

01:42:50.000 Right.

01:42:51.000 But I don't know why it became an entity on its own.

01:42:53.000 Like, why didn't they just use TwitPic?

01:42:55.000 Yeah, I don't get that.

01:42:56.000 Or any of the built-in Twitter pictures.

01:42:57.000 It's because of the filters, I think.

01:42:59.000 It's just the app.

01:43:00.000 Yeah, those tricky bitches.

01:43:01.000 They want to look like magenta, hued.

01:43:03.000 They want to look like they're living in a dream.

01:43:04.000 And there's only, what, eight different filters?

01:43:07.000 You get an app, there's one called 100 Cameras, where it has a hundred different apps.

01:43:15.000 Filters, you know?

01:43:16.000 And it's like 99 cents.

01:43:17.000 And it just sends it to your Twitter.

01:43:19.000 Your TwitPic or whatever.

01:43:21.000 Yeah, there's a bunch of them like that, right?

01:43:22.000 That like connect with it.

01:43:23.000 It's probably better than Instagram.

01:43:25.000 But I've got like 50,000 fucking people on my Instagram.

01:43:28.000 That's the problem.

01:43:28.000 At this point in time, how many of those are not on my Twitter?

01:43:31.000 Like I can't abandon them.

01:43:33.000 Yeah, unless everybody abandons it because of this new policy shit.

01:43:36.000 I mean, if it stays how it originally was where they do get to do whatever the fuck they want to and they will...

01:43:44.000 I probably will delete my account, because I only went on Instagram because everyone told me to, and it's like, oh, it's so popular, and I'm like, yeah, I don't get it.

01:43:50.000 You know, I can use TwitPic.

01:43:52.000 Remember Everlast told me I have to use it?

01:43:54.000 Yeah.

01:43:54.000 You came in and said that people have been mad that you don't use your Instagram.

01:43:58.000 I was like, really?

01:43:58.000 What's wrong with it?

01:43:59.000 I got to tweet a day almost about it.

01:44:00.000 Yeah, but you know what's going on now?

01:44:02.000 For whatever fucking reason, even though I've updated it, my iPhone does not want to connect with the fucking Instagram.

01:44:08.000 My iPhone is not interested in sending pictures through Instagram.

01:44:12.000 Really?

01:44:12.000 Because he's fucking smart.

01:44:13.000 He knew this whole fucking thing was going to happen.

01:44:16.000 You can't blame your fucking iPhone.

01:44:17.000 He's doing good.

01:44:18.000 I got a new iPhone and it's like, fuck you, bitch.

01:44:21.000 Every time I try to send pictures through iPhone.

01:44:23.000 I was trying to send this Instagram photo because I took a photo of Brad Pitt with Chanel No.

01:44:29.000 5. Brad Pitt's got a fucking men's cologne commercial.

01:44:34.000 Look at that.

01:44:35.000 I don't know.

01:44:36.000 But I was trying to put on Twitter or on Instagram that if you buy this stinky shit, I hope nobody fucks you for the rest of your life.

01:44:44.000 I was trying to put that out, which I thought would be nice and witty on my way home from the airport.

01:44:49.000 You're anti-cologne all the way.

01:44:51.000 It's fucking gross, man.

01:44:52.000 I do one little spray of Timberlake before I leave every day.

01:44:55.000 That's confusing as my animal knows.

01:44:57.000 I don't trust guys if they have cologne on.

01:44:59.000 Do you know that?

01:45:00.000 If I smell cologne on a guy, I... Yeah, but I put it mildly.

01:45:04.000 He has a good smell.

01:45:06.000 Timberlake, the fucking singer?

01:45:07.000 Yeah, here.

01:45:08.000 You probably can't even smell it.

01:45:09.000 I don't want to smell nobody.

01:45:10.000 I don't want to smell nobody.

01:45:11.000 Trust me, I'll fucking fart right on your legs.

01:45:13.000 Don't come over here.

01:45:14.000 Don't come over here, you fuck.

01:45:15.000 I don't want to smell no coffee.

01:45:16.000 Whatever, yeah.

01:45:17.000 Whatever you're stinking of, he's not...

01:45:19.000 Come on.

01:45:19.000 Don't do it to him.

01:45:20.000 No, you can't smell.

01:45:21.000 I can't smell.

01:45:21.000 Don't do it, Joey.

01:45:22.000 Don't do it.

01:45:23.000 Don't let him.

01:45:24.000 Don't let him.

01:45:25.000 Go away, cocksucker.

01:45:28.000 Go away, cocksucker.

01:45:30.000 Is that Mitzi Shore?

01:45:31.000 Go away, cocksucker.

01:45:33.000 I'll stab you with this coffee pick.

01:45:34.000 Is that Mitzi?

01:45:35.000 Who are you doing there?

01:45:36.000 Go away, cocksucker.

01:45:38.000 That's Joey Diaz and Mitzi Shore.

01:45:41.000 I'll tweet you guys this picture later after the show's over.

01:45:44.000 One of the problems it might be, when was the last time you reset your phone?

01:45:48.000 I did it.

01:45:48.000 I did it twice.

01:45:49.000 Oh, really?

01:45:49.000 Yeah, I did everything.

01:45:50.000 I disconnected.

01:45:51.000 I deleted Twitter.

01:45:52.000 I deleted Instagram.

01:45:53.000 I reinstalled both of them.

01:45:54.000 It won't work.

01:45:55.000 Have you put in your password lately on Instagram?

01:45:58.000 Maybe you have a wrong password in there?

01:46:00.000 No, no, it's all right.

01:46:00.000 Everything's right.

01:46:01.000 It just won't reach the server.

01:46:04.000 It logs on Instagram, won't reach the server.

01:46:06.000 Some wacky bullshit.

01:46:09.000 Are you on the Verizon network?

01:46:10.000 You know what it is?

01:46:11.000 It understands that I like my Samsung Galaxy S3 a little bit better.

01:46:15.000 My Samsung Galaxy S3 from Ting Mobile.

01:46:18.000 I like it a little better.

01:46:20.000 Do you really?

01:46:21.000 I like this wacky fucking phone.

01:46:22.000 How about that?

01:46:23.000 Huh?

01:46:23.000 That's crazy talk.

01:46:25.000 It's not crazy talk.

01:46:26.000 You don't like your iPhone, Doug?

01:46:27.000 I like the Samsung Galaxy S3 better.

01:46:29.000 I think that fucking big screen...

01:46:30.000 But how does that camera compare to the iPhone?

01:46:32.000 Badass.

01:46:33.000 Badass.

01:46:33.000 Oh, you like the Samsung better?

01:46:35.000 They're both awesome.

01:46:36.000 The Samsung Galaxy S3 has a sick camera.

01:46:38.000 I saw Red Band's fucking iPhone camera.

01:46:41.000 You should see the S3. That's a Showtime special.

01:46:42.000 You know what else it does?

01:46:43.000 You know what else the S3 does?

01:46:44.000 I can take a burst of photos.

01:46:46.000 You could jump up in the air and I'll take a burst of photos.

01:46:48.000 Up and down.

01:46:50.000 Takes like a shitload.

01:46:50.000 And this is on the Verizon network, correct?

01:46:52.000 I think you can get it on Verizon.

01:46:54.000 I know you can get it on Sprint.

01:46:55.000 We have it on Ting, which is on Sprint.

01:46:58.000 And I know you can get it on AT&T, too.

01:47:00.000 It's fucking wicked.

01:47:02.000 Those big screens are wicked.

01:47:03.000 It's good.

01:47:04.000 And like everything else, it doesn't.

01:47:05.000 It's good enough.

01:47:06.000 How much shit do you need?

01:47:07.000 How many apps do you need?

01:47:08.000 Goddammit.

01:47:08.000 Except Bladeslinger from Kerosene Games.

01:47:13.000 Coming out in January on the Android application.

01:47:16.000 I listened to some Pablo Francisco the other day.

01:47:19.000 What are you doing with this Brad Pitt commercial?

01:47:21.000 You really playing a Brad Pitt commercial, you fuck?

01:47:23.000 It's not a journey.

01:47:24.000 Every journey ends, but we go on.

01:47:26.000 I'd let him fuck me.

01:47:28.000 The world turns and we turn with it.

01:47:30.000 What?

01:47:30.000 You're too deep.

01:47:32.000 You're too deep.

01:47:32.000 Plans disappear.

01:47:33.000 Put it in my mouth.

01:47:34.000 Dreams take over.

01:47:37.000 But wherever I go, there you are.

01:47:41.000 I bet his kiss is salty.

01:47:43.000 My luck, my fate, my fortune.

01:47:48.000 Chanel No.

01:47:48.000 5. Whoa, no you didn't, Brad.

01:47:51.000 Brad, Brad, Brad, Brad.

01:47:54.000 There's not enough money in the world for that, Brad.

01:47:56.000 Who's your fucking agent?

01:47:57.000 You could have cut it off before you said Chanel No.

01:48:00.000 5. You would have been okay.

01:48:02.000 You would have been okay as long as you didn't mention the name.

01:48:04.000 Then why give that whole preamble?

01:48:05.000 Why give you the fucking ear beating if you're not going to say Chanel No.

01:48:08.000 5?

01:48:09.000 No, no, no.

01:48:12.000 He has to end it and let someone else, like Morgan Freeman, say Chanel No.

01:48:16.000 5. Someone else says Chanel No.

01:48:19.000 5. Someone unrelated to that really corny fucking speech.

01:48:22.000 It's not a walk.

01:48:24.000 Every walk ends, but we go on.

01:48:28.000 The stick flies and we chase after it.

01:48:31.000 Training disappears.

01:48:34.000 Instincts take over.

01:48:35.000 Do not change this channel.

01:48:37.000 But wherever I fetch...

01:48:39.000 There you are.

01:48:40.000 My wag.

01:48:42.000 My treat.

01:48:44.000 My belly rub.

01:48:47.000 Canel number five.

01:48:50.000 That's a joke, ladies and gentlemen.

01:48:51.000 That was a joke one.

01:48:52.000 Meanwhile, by the way, less pretentious than the Brad Pitt one.

01:48:59.000 It was, wasn't it?

01:49:01.000 Wasn't it less pretentious?

01:49:02.000 Let's go back to the Brad Pitt one and let's examine this because this is one of the most preposterous commercials I've seen since the baby Just For Men commercial where the baby drives a Porsche.

01:49:13.000 Every journey ends, but we go on.

01:49:16.000 The world turns and we turn with it.

01:49:20.000 Plans disappear.

01:49:22.000 Dreams take over.

01:49:25.000 But wherever I go, there you are.

01:49:31.000 My luck, my fate, my fortune.

01:49:36.000 Chanel No.

01:49:37.000 5. I guess there's more of them.

01:49:42.000 We gotta find more of them because I'll never listen to a word that motherfucker says ever again.

01:49:48.000 Unless they gave all of that money to pregnant babies in Africa.

01:49:54.000 Unless 100% of that money went to the pregnant babies.

01:49:59.000 What's that?

01:50:01.000 No, just that commercial.

01:50:03.000 I just saw the picture of him with Chanel No.

01:50:05.000 5 and I just was going to tweet something silly about it.

01:50:08.000 But I didn't know that there was a whole goddamn advertising campaign that has the most preposterous ads ever.

01:50:13.000 But we go on.

01:50:15.000 The world turns.

01:50:18.000 It's not a journey.

01:50:19.000 Every journey ends.

01:50:21.000 But we go on.

01:50:23.000 The world turns and we turn with it.

01:50:27.000 Plans disappear.

01:50:28.000 Dreams take over.

01:50:31.000 But wherever I go, there you are.

01:50:36.000 My luck.

01:50:37.000 My fate.

01:50:39.000 My fortune.

01:50:43.000 There's not enough pussy in the world to get me to talk like that, ever.

01:50:47.000 I just want you to know.

01:50:48.000 There's not enough money.

01:50:49.000 You couldn't stack it high enough.

01:50:51.000 I'd be like, stop it.

01:50:53.000 I can't say that.

01:50:54.000 That's why it doesn't make anything.

01:50:56.000 This is the chick from Avatar.

01:50:58.000 They got her in a basement.

01:51:00.000 They just brought her over.

01:51:02.000 They're going to suck his dick.

01:51:03.000 The big blue bitch with the crazy ass.

01:51:05.000 Oh, you think I'm kidding?

01:51:07.000 She's going to suck his fucking yank tonight?

01:51:09.000 What are you, fucking nuts?

01:51:11.000 Wherever I go, you're good.

01:51:14.000 The world turns and we turn with it.

01:51:16.000 What?

01:51:17.000 Why did you write that down?

01:51:19.000 Why did you even write that down?

01:51:20.000 Me?

01:51:20.000 No, the guy who wrote it.

01:51:21.000 The world turns and you turn with it.

01:51:23.000 What?

01:51:24.000 Come on, stop it.

01:51:25.000 You breathe in, you breathe out.

01:51:27.000 You step left, you step right.

01:51:28.000 You open the door, then you shut it.

01:51:30.000 You get in your car, you drive, then you hit the brakes.

01:51:32.000 Like, who fucking wrote this?

01:51:35.000 That is like some of the most preposterous, silly horse shit I've ever heard.

01:51:39.000 And it's not coming out of a struggling actor, okay?

01:51:41.000 If you're a struggling actor and, you know, and someone comes up to you and they give you a break and it's to do this crazy corny Chanel No.

01:51:48.000 5 commercial, that wasn't a struggling actor.

01:51:51.000 That's a motherfucking multimillionaire.

01:51:53.000 We need to find out where that money went.

01:51:54.000 It might go to pregnant babies.

01:51:55.000 If it goes to pregnant, starving babies with AIDS... We'll let him slide.

01:51:59.000 He just paid a fucking village off, though.

01:52:01.000 Did he buy a village?

01:52:01.000 I wonder.

01:52:02.000 I just asked you, what do you think you got for that?

01:52:03.000 10 mil?

01:52:05.000 You'd have to give him something like that, right?

01:52:07.000 He's goddamn Brad Pitt.

01:52:09.000 If I was Brad Pitt's agent, I mean, he's Brad motherfucking Pitt.

01:52:12.000 Now, supposedly he has big commercials overseas, like...

01:52:16.000 Oh yeah, they do them in Japan and shit.

01:52:18.000 A lot of American celebrities feel like you're not supposed to do a commercial.

01:52:24.000 Because if you do a commercial, if you're a movie star...

01:52:28.000 What are you watching?

01:52:30.000 What is this?

01:52:33.000 Brad's hit a Japanese commercial.

01:52:35.000 Oh my god, he's pushing a car.

01:52:38.000 He's dressed up like a goofball.

01:52:42.000 Yeah, he's dressed up weird.

01:52:44.000 Like Jim Carrey style, almost.

01:52:46.000 Yeah, and he's moving like Charlie Chaplin.

01:52:54.000 Yeah, what kind of character is this?

01:52:57.000 See, that's fine.

01:52:58.000 That's just him moving around and taking a picture.

01:53:00.000 I don't have any problem with that.

01:53:01.000 I got a problem when you're staring at the camera, talking about the world turns, and you turn with it.

01:53:09.000 I touch my tongue to yours, and we bound together.

01:53:17.000 Joey Diaz.

01:53:18.000 Yeah.

01:53:19.000 That's not Joey Diaz.

01:53:21.000 That looks like Joey Diaz fucked big pussy in Japan.

01:53:33.000 See, these are great because he's not talking English.

01:53:36.000 He doesn't say anything.

01:53:37.000 He's just playing a character.

01:53:39.000 These might as well be...

01:53:40.000 I mean, he might as well be in a movie.

01:53:42.000 Look, he...

01:53:43.000 I mean, he's very clever about the way he did this.

01:53:45.000 Like, the first one, he's clearly acting.

01:53:48.000 He's got a weird, crazy, cookie, yellow outfit on.

01:53:51.000 And in this one, he's playing a role.

01:53:54.000 And he's pretending to pick this giant fucking sumo guy up.

01:53:58.000 That shit is impossible, I want you to know.

01:54:00.000 Because Joey Diaz is not as big as that guy, but I'm probably stronger than Brad Pitt, and I tried to pick Joey up once when he was seated, and it was no dice.

01:54:08.000 I went double underhooks on Joey's back, and I got a gable grip.

01:54:12.000 It wasn't happening, man.

01:54:14.000 Even the big guy from Pride couldn't pick me up over his head.

01:54:18.000 Really?

01:54:19.000 Bob Sapp?

01:54:20.000 Bob Sapp.

01:54:20.000 It was one of the most uncomfortable things for everybody.

01:54:23.000 How high did he get you up there?

01:54:25.000 He was having a hard time.

01:54:26.000 I was really, like, top-heavy or something.

01:54:30.000 Did you see this commercial, Joe?

01:54:32.000 Bob was never...

01:54:33.000 For years, people would push computers on me or whatnot, cell phones, all that stuff.

01:54:37.000 My friend said, listen, go to GoDaddy.com.

01:54:39.000 I went over to GoDaddy.com.

01:54:40.000 I didn't know about computers.

01:54:42.000 I didn't know about social networks.

01:54:43.000 I knew nothing.

01:54:44.000 I went to GoDaddy.

01:54:45.000 They had a web builder.

01:54:46.000 One, two, three, boom.

01:54:48.000 Step by step, they're with you right away.

01:54:50.000 Once you do it, poof, within minutes, your webpage is up.

01:54:53.000 I didn't have that online presence.

01:54:55.000 People would have had a call here like it was still 1969. But ever since I got GoDaddy, I got PayPal, I take Visa online, they got the open table, not to mention my Yelp reviews are great.

01:55:05.000 Frank's Pizza is number one.

01:55:07.000 Go to Frank's.

01:55:07.000 The service is exceptional.

01:55:09.000 Frank's delivery system is always on time and the pizza is always warm.

01:55:12.000 If you want to build your empire like me, start with GoDaddy.com.

01:55:16.000 GoDaddy, what's happening?

01:55:17.000 Nothing.

01:55:18.000 I'm just calling you to see what's cracking.

01:55:19.000 Have a good day.

01:55:23.000 That's beautiful.

01:55:25.000 How much of that did you write?

01:55:26.000 80% of it?

01:55:27.000 Come on, Doug.

01:55:28.000 Yeah.

01:55:28.000 And you had no idea what you were talking about.

01:55:30.000 No, I had no idea.

01:55:31.000 Did they just give you like a rough thing?

01:55:33.000 When I got there that morning, they said, do you know the points for this thing?

01:55:36.000 And I go, no, I didn't get the thing.

01:55:37.000 And they go, these are the points you got to say.

01:55:39.000 And it was in between like shooting.

01:55:41.000 Uh-huh.

01:55:41.000 Like it was in between shooting.

01:55:43.000 Like in between, like they came over and go, ready?

01:55:45.000 Right.

01:55:45.000 Let's pick it up from the other thing.

01:55:46.000 I had to go back and...

01:55:48.000 Pick up PayPal, pick up that, the tanning booth.

01:55:52.000 Like, that was just fucking quick, man.

01:55:53.000 That was fucking crazy that morning.

01:55:55.000 That was quick.

01:55:56.000 Yeah, that seems like a great utilization of you.

01:56:01.000 Just give him the points and let him rant a little bit.

01:56:04.000 Why fuck him?

01:56:04.000 I didn't curse.

01:56:05.000 He ain't Brad Pitt.

01:56:06.000 He doesn't have to say, breathe in and breathe out.

01:56:10.000 The world turns and you turn with it.

01:56:13.000 That's the first time I ever saw Brad Pitt in a commercial or am I hallucinating?

01:56:16.000 No, I think he's sold down the river.

01:56:20.000 How many kids he got?

01:56:22.000 He's got a lot of kids.

01:56:23.000 He's got a lot of houses.

01:56:24.000 And he's done a lot of shit movies lately, and Angelina's been pulling all the weight.

01:56:28.000 When was the last time Brad was in a big hit?

01:56:29.000 Moneyball.

01:56:30.000 Was that a big hit?

01:56:31.000 Yeah.

01:56:32.000 Was it?

01:56:32.000 The baseball movie?

01:56:33.000 I didn't see that.

01:56:34.000 Yeah.

01:56:34.000 Okay, so I'm wrong.

01:56:35.000 So how much money do you think he made from that?

01:56:37.000 Enough for 80 kids in Taipan?

01:56:39.000 You've got to give him 20 just to talk to him.

01:56:41.000 20?

01:56:42.000 Is this what they get for a movie?

01:56:43.000 Gotta give him 20 just to talk to him.

01:56:45.000 Maybe that's not enough.

01:56:47.000 The way they're ballin' Gucci clothes for little babies and shit.

01:56:52.000 Listen, 20 million a movie does three a year.

01:56:55.000 That's 60. She does the same.

01:56:57.000 That's a buck 20. Ten of these.

01:56:59.000 That's some fucking cash, dog.

01:57:01.000 They ain't fucking around.

01:57:02.000 I wonder how much they're giving him for the movies.

01:57:05.000 20?

01:57:05.000 For commercials.

01:57:08.000 Fuck.

01:57:08.000 For a whole campaign, he's going to shoot five or six of them.

01:57:11.000 Clothes, cologne.

01:57:13.000 If he got together with his silly black and white commercial and they overlapped it with Stephen Dorff's silly black and white commercial.

01:57:20.000 CGI'd them together.

01:57:21.000 If they just spliced it back and forth, you went from one douchey statement to the other.

01:57:25.000 I think that would be...

01:57:26.000 Listen, Mischief Maker, we know you're out there.

01:57:29.000 We're calling you.

01:57:31.000 We're setting the freak flag up over the Rogan compound.

01:57:35.000 We need you to put together the possibly douchiest commercials of all time together.

01:57:40.000 The song Kiss Me in the background.

01:57:42.000 Yes!

01:57:43.000 Listen, man, we don't want to fuck with your artistic integrity by giving you a suggestion that you haven't...

01:57:48.000 But Brandon, you know what to do.

01:57:50.000 You know to do the right thing.

01:57:51.000 Go make that video.

01:57:52.000 This fucking guy was very good at money board jobs.

01:57:55.000 I bet he's a great actor.

01:57:56.000 He was great in an interview with a vampire.

01:57:58.000 I loved him in that.

01:57:59.000 I loved him in a lot of movies.

01:58:00.000 He was great in Fight Club.

01:58:01.000 I'm just bullshitting, but I just wish he didn't do that fucking commercial.

01:58:04.000 I mean, that just seems like so whorish.

01:58:07.000 You know, I should talk.

01:58:09.000 I did Fear Factor for six years, then I went back and did it again.

01:58:13.000 But even I wouldn't do that Chanel commercial.

01:58:16.000 Sure you would.

01:58:17.000 I think so.

01:58:18.000 No, no, no.

01:58:20.000 How you doing?

01:58:21.000 I'm Joe Rogan from the UFC. You should smell really stinky.

01:58:27.000 This is the new UFC Chanel edition.

01:58:29.000 First of all, I could never do it because it's been widely...

01:58:31.000 I've said it a hundred times in the podcast that I hate all that stuff.

01:58:35.000 I don't like any form of cologne.

01:58:37.000 I wear deodorant because if I don't, I smell really bad.

01:58:41.000 I smell like meat.

01:58:43.000 Sicilian.

01:58:44.000 Like old meat.

01:58:45.000 You smell Sicilian.

01:58:46.000 My underarms.

01:58:47.000 And I'm not willing to shave my underarms.

01:58:50.000 Arugula.

01:58:51.000 Plus, you know what, folks?

01:58:52.000 I get through life.

01:58:53.000 I exude a lot of energy.

01:58:55.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:58:56.000 I don't half-ass things.

01:58:57.000 So I'm putting forth effort all day.

01:59:00.000 And when you're putting forth effort all day, you're out grinding and sweating and shit is going down inside your body.

01:59:06.000 And when it comes out of your armpits, it smells horrible.

01:59:10.000 So I wear a little deodorant.

01:59:11.000 So if you smell me and you're like, what a hypocrite.

01:59:13.000 He's wearing some fucking cologne.

01:59:14.000 I'm not.

01:59:15.000 That's just Old Spice.

01:59:16.000 That's what I prefer.

01:59:17.000 Old Spice Sport.

01:59:18.000 Not antiperspirant because I'm not trying to stop sweating.

01:59:21.000 I like sweating.

01:59:22.000 I'm not going to bullshit you.

01:59:23.000 I do have a little baby CK1 at the house.

01:59:28.000 Whatever the fuck it is.

01:59:29.000 Whatever the fuck it is.

01:59:30.000 Just in case I got reefer on me and I got a suit on or something.

01:59:34.000 And I don't want, you know, I'll put a little dab on my neck.

01:59:37.000 What is this one?

01:59:37.000 What is this commercial?

01:59:39.000 What the fuck is going on here?

01:59:42.000 What is this for?

01:59:47.000 What is this for?

02:00:00.000 Oh, this is the thing you did with Dean Cain?

02:00:04.000 This is the latest one.

02:00:05.000 This is the one for this year called The Dog Who Saved the Holidays.

02:00:10.000 Gary Valentine.

02:00:17.000 Michael Gross.

02:00:18.000 I'm shaking in my craw.

02:00:20.000 Shelly Long.

02:00:21.000 I got a date with a fuse box.

02:00:24.000 Peyton List is Eve.

02:00:25.000 Lighten up a bit.

02:00:26.000 And Joey Lawrence.

02:00:28.000 Hey, that's me.

02:00:28.000 As Zeus.

02:00:29.000 I think I'm going to need a little backup on this one.

02:00:32.000 Did you get top billing on this shit?

02:00:34.000 Unless you get the top billing on this.

02:00:37.000 Yeah, what is that?

02:00:37.000 You can't even get top billing or Shelly Long?

02:00:39.000 You fucking believe this shit in this day and age?

02:00:42.000 What the fuck, man?

02:00:43.000 This fucking day and age is what I need.

02:00:44.000 With some respect, did you get billing at all?

02:00:45.000 Did they even mention your name?

02:00:47.000 Oh, that's my fucking...

02:00:47.000 Yeah, I get like...

02:00:48.000 They treat me like a fucking Puerto Rican in the sport.

02:00:51.000 Fuck.

02:00:52.000 Did you like working with Dean Cain?

02:00:54.000 Yeah, I did like five fucking movies.

02:00:56.000 Five of those things.

02:00:57.000 Did you hang out with Michael Gross and molest Joey Lawrence?

02:01:00.000 No, I didn't bother nobody.

02:01:02.000 Michael Gross is one of those guys that's been in a bunch of movies and he's a really good actor.

02:01:06.000 And then you see him in that and you go, oh, that's what that guy's name is.

02:01:09.000 I've seen that guy in a bunch of things.

02:01:10.000 That guy's good.

02:01:12.000 You know what I watched today, man?

02:01:13.000 I started recording it here on the studio.

02:01:16.000 Some Walker, Texas Ranger.

02:01:18.000 Oh my goodness, it's fucking good.

02:01:21.000 Good shit.

02:01:21.000 It's so funny.

02:01:23.000 I want to play a little bit of it for you, because it's so ridiculous.

02:01:26.000 I recorded it on the DVR. I forgot how good that show is.

02:01:29.000 That show is like, might as well be a comic book that was written in 1950. You know what I mean?

02:01:36.000 Where he'd walk up on people.

02:01:37.000 Everything!

02:01:39.000 Oh, his sidekick was horrendously bad.

02:01:42.000 He gets in a fight in this bad guy's office, and the two bad guys' henchmen tried to close in on him, and he's in a little crows environment, but he's throwing mad karate kicks and shit.

02:01:51.000 Chuck Norris don't play games.

02:01:52.000 He's throwing wheel kicks and shit.

02:01:53.000 I mean, right off the bat, he just throws wheel kicks with cowboy boots on and shit.

02:01:57.000 Anyway, knocks this guy out, and then goes up to him, grabs him, and starts questioning him, and the acting that came out of this meathead that was lying down on the ground It might be the worst acting ever recorded on film and put on television.

02:02:09.000 I mean, it's beautiful.

02:02:12.000 It's a great show.

02:02:13.000 Those shows, like, you watch those shows and you wonder what they were really doing.

02:02:19.000 What's going on?

02:02:21.000 Joey, what's that show, what's your character's name in that Nickelodeon show?

02:02:24.000 Joey Lasagna?

02:02:25.000 What are you pulling up?

02:02:26.000 Meatballs.

02:02:27.000 Joey Meatballs.

02:02:28.000 Not Joey Meatballs, Meatball King.

02:02:30.000 Meatball King.

02:02:31.000 It's so funny seeing Joey now out in public and people come up like, can you sign this for my daughter?

02:02:37.000 And you're like, what the fuck is that?

02:02:38.000 And then you realize that he's known for this character called Joey Meatballs.

02:02:43.000 And what show is this on?

02:02:45.000 Kicking It.

02:02:46.000 Yeah, Kicking It.

02:02:46.000 What is Kicking It?

02:02:47.000 It's a show on Disney XD. Now, what if these people ever see you on stage or listen to one of these fucking podcasts?

02:02:54.000 No, no.

02:02:54.000 The funny thing is that these Kicking It's...

02:02:58.000 The funny thing is that all these shows, to advertise them, they're put on there by the networks.

02:03:05.000 Nickelodeon knows that if they're going to put out a trailer on a commercial, it's a lot cheaper to put the trailer on on YouTube.

02:03:10.000 The kids will know that they're coming up and they'll hit it.

02:03:12.000 There's thousands of hits on these trailers for kicking it, right?

02:03:16.000 You go to the trailer that I'm on and you've got to see what it says.

02:03:19.000 If you ain't high by 2 o'clock, go fuck your mother.

02:03:22.000 Lucy Snorbush, I wanna eat your pussy on Quaaludes.

02:03:26.000 You gotta see, like, the one for, like, uh...

02:03:30.000 Pull up the comments, Brian.

02:03:32.000 What is this one?

02:03:34.000 Glad to see you came to your senses.

02:03:37.000 Got my money?

02:03:38.000 What is this?

02:03:40.000 You got my ghost.

02:03:41.000 This is kicking it.

02:03:45.000 Jerry, shouldn't you be making a delivery?

02:03:48.000 I'm done with delivery.

02:03:50.000 When I took a job with you, I didn't know what kind of person you were.

02:03:53.000 But I do now.

02:03:55.000 What are you doing here with...

02:03:56.000 Goat Boy?

02:03:58.000 Goat Boy's a friend of mine.

02:04:00.000 In fact, he's got lots of friends.

02:04:02.000 Some you might even know.

02:04:04.000 Stop.

02:04:04.000 Stop before I get retarded.

02:04:06.000 Yeah, that might turn me down.

02:04:10.000 That's worse than Walker, Texas Ranger.

02:04:12.000 Listen, we're going to have to compare.

02:04:14.000 We're going to have to compare that to Walker, Texas Ranger, because I'm telling you, they're pretty damn clear.

02:04:25.000 You cocksucker.

02:04:28.000 I owe you one cocksucker.

02:04:31.000 Yeah.

02:04:34.000 That was not good.

02:04:35.000 That was so funny.

02:04:36.000 That was not good.

02:04:37.000 Can you imagine if he was really, like, fighting with these kids?

02:04:40.000 No, you know what the worst thing is?

02:04:42.000 When you first come to Hollywood and you meet somebody like that, that's somebody that's been in one of these really horrible shows and they make you watch it.

02:04:50.000 All the time they're real, you try to go to their house.

02:04:53.000 Have you ever had that happen?

02:04:54.000 Oh, please.

02:04:55.000 Oh, it's the worst, man.

02:04:57.000 It's embarrassing.

02:04:57.000 When people email you shit still.

02:05:00.000 I still get shit.

02:05:02.000 On Facebook and Twitter, watch my reel and tell me what you think.

02:05:05.000 Why would you ask a guy like me?

02:05:07.000 At 5 in the morning, he was fucking stoned.

02:05:12.000 You going back to Columbus for the holidays?

02:05:17.000 No, but I'm going back in March with Joe Rogan and...

02:05:22.000 Look at this shit.

02:05:23.000 Look at this shit, Joey.

02:05:24.000 Turn around and look at this.

02:05:25.000 Turn around.

02:05:28.000 We can't show this on TV because we know the rights for it.

02:05:31.000 That's Adam Ferreira.

02:05:31.000 It's Chuck Norris.

02:05:33.000 I mean, it's hilarious.

02:05:36.000 Watch this one dude, though.

02:05:37.000 This is my favorite.

02:05:38.000 After he smashes this guy, now the big guy grabs him.

02:05:42.000 Now watch this move.

02:05:43.000 Kick off the wall.

02:05:44.000 Boom!

02:05:45.000 Throw him down.

02:05:45.000 Now check this Anderson Silva-like elbow.

02:05:48.000 Now watch this acting.

02:05:50.000 This is the worst acting ever.

02:05:51.000 I'm going to ask you again.

02:05:52.000 Do you know this girl?

02:05:53.000 I don't know.

02:05:54.000 I told you what I told the other guys.

02:05:56.000 What guys?

02:05:57.000 They didn't give their names.

02:05:59.000 If you told them something, you're not telling me.

02:06:02.000 I'll be back.

02:06:02.000 Chuck is excellent.

02:06:04.000 How bad is the goon?

02:06:05.000 And he's just out.

02:06:06.000 He's just out again.

02:06:08.000 And then there's some kids that he has to hug.

02:06:11.000 That's what he does.

02:06:12.000 Saves the world and hugs some kids.

02:06:14.000 Fucking show's great.

02:06:15.000 Especially when you're as high as the national deficit.

02:06:19.000 Let me tell you something.

02:06:20.000 The other day I was cleaning out my fucking room and I found a package for 18 wheels of justice.

02:06:27.000 That was another show, right?

02:06:28.000 The first show I ever shot.

02:06:30.000 That was Lorenzo Lamas, right?

02:06:32.000 Yeah, so one of those fucking actors down in whatever.

02:06:35.000 I forgot all about it.

02:06:37.000 18 Wheels of Justice was the first booking.

02:06:40.000 I remember before I went in, they told me the lady's a fucking old lady.

02:06:44.000 She'll torture you.

02:06:45.000 I went in there and booked a bookie roll where I had to smack a playmate in the ass as she walks out of the room.

02:06:52.000 18 Wheels of Justice.

02:06:53.000 It was in 2000. Yeah.

02:06:56.000 I shot one of those episodes in San Diego.

02:06:59.000 I remember they gave me 60 bucks.

02:07:00.000 For per diem, oh my god.

02:07:02.000 I didn't eat nothing.

02:07:03.000 I saved it to do a grammar blow.

02:07:05.000 It wasn't Lorenzo Ross.

02:07:07.000 No, it was some other handsome white dude.

02:07:08.000 Lucky Venuse?

02:07:10.000 Is that his name?

02:07:10.000 Oh my god.

02:07:11.000 See what else he shot since then.

02:07:13.000 Who's Lucky Venuse?

02:07:13.000 He's fucking working in the Tampa Revival Group right now.

02:07:17.000 Reviving fucking Godspell or whatever.

02:07:19.000 This guy was the head guy in the show, and they don't even have a photo of him on IMDb.

02:07:27.000 Is this it?

02:07:28.000 That's G. Gordon Liddy, man.

02:07:30.000 Oh, they blew up a house.

02:07:34.000 Yeah, that's it.

02:07:37.000 There you go.

02:07:42.000 Oh God, that looked like the worst show of all time.

02:07:45.000 That's 18 Wheels of Justice.

02:07:46.000 And you know what network that was, guys?

02:07:49.000 What?

02:07:50.000 Spike, which was T-N-N at the time.

02:07:52.000 Oh, that's right.

02:07:53.000 It was the Nashville Network.

02:07:54.000 Guys, that was when they tried to do original programming.

02:07:57.000 That was it.

02:07:58.000 That was her.

02:07:59.000 Yep.

02:08:01.000 That's a good idea.

02:08:04.000 If you have a show called the Nashville Network and you're like, listen, this is what we got.

02:08:08.000 We got a lot of truckers.

02:08:10.000 A lot of truckers watch.

02:08:11.000 How about a trucker superhero?

02:08:12.000 How about a trucker superhero that is just an ordinary guy, just backed into extraordinary circumstances, and he's forced to, you know, man up and pull himself up by his bootstraps and become a reluctant hero.

02:08:24.000 I mean, I think it's basically BJ the bear but no chimp.

02:08:28.000 One of the best shows of all time, BJ and the Bear.

02:08:32.000 Remember back when BJ and the Bear was on and we thought chimps were like these little cute things that you could hug before they started eating people's faces and biting their dicks off and shit?

02:08:39.000 You never heard about that when we were kids.

02:08:41.000 You never heard about a chimp biting people's faces off.

02:08:43.000 Maybe they're on Adderall, too.

02:08:46.000 That's the fucking problem.

02:08:47.000 Well, wasn't that one lady that lived in Connecticut that had the pet chimp, she was feeding that fucking chimp Xanax.

02:08:54.000 She was feeding it Xanax, and it was drinking wine.

02:08:58.000 Yeah.

02:08:58.000 The bitch was taking Xanax.

02:09:00.000 So she would, hey, the chimp wants Xanax, too.

02:09:02.000 Give him a fucking Xanax.

02:09:04.000 Give him a Xanax, or he's going to eat your face.

02:09:06.000 Give him a fucking Xanax.

02:09:07.000 That probably is why he ate that chick's face.

02:09:09.000 He was probably coming down from Xanax's.

02:09:12.000 He's all Xanaxed up.

02:09:13.000 He's all Xanaxed out, red man.

02:09:19.000 Poor chimp.

02:09:20.000 Did you eat an edible today, Joey?

02:09:22.000 Something happened.

02:09:22.000 No, what?

02:09:23.000 He kicked in about ten minutes ago.

02:09:24.000 Yeah.

02:09:24.000 Joey hit the wall.

02:09:25.000 We were called the Eddie Bravo post one hour wall.

02:09:28.000 What?

02:09:30.000 Why?

02:09:30.000 What happened?

02:09:31.000 I didn't hit no fucking wall.

02:09:32.000 Eddie Bravo goes guns blazing for the first hour of podcast.

02:09:35.000 No, no, no.

02:09:35.000 And then in like an hour and he goes, so what?

02:09:38.000 Anything?

02:09:39.000 No, no, no.

02:09:40.000 I'm waiting on you fucking guys.

02:09:41.000 I'm a counter-striker.

02:09:43.000 Eddie Bravo, ladies and gentlemen, for Eddie Bravo fans, which of course we all are Eddie Bravo fans.

02:09:48.000 Eddie's the shit.

02:09:48.000 He's got his own podcast that he just started doing called Eddie Bravo Radio.

02:09:53.000 And if you are down with chemtrails, that is the podcast for you.

02:09:56.000 That's right.

02:09:57.000 If you want to hear more about Philip Corso and UFOs and jiu-jitsu and MMA and crop circles and chemtrails and music.

02:10:07.000 And music.

02:10:08.000 Kiss.

02:10:09.000 Powerful.

02:10:10.000 Kiss.

02:10:11.000 Knowledge.

02:10:11.000 Eddie Bravo.

02:10:12.000 Smoke Serpent.

02:10:14.000 And he does it with Alder and Zach and Rob.

02:10:17.000 All these guys that we train jiu-jitsu with.

02:10:20.000 I don't know if he's going to do it with them every episode or if he's just doing it like that for now, but Eddie Bravo Radio, if you're down.

02:10:26.000 And if you're not, don't get cunty.

02:10:28.000 Okay?

02:10:29.000 Shut the fuck down.

02:10:30.000 That's my brother.

02:10:31.000 Do you remember this website, Joey?

02:10:32.000 Joey Diaz.

02:10:34.000 Yes, I do.

02:10:37.000 Yeah, Joey Diaz here.

02:10:39.000 Wayback Machine.

02:10:40.000 Where'd you find that?

02:10:41.000 Look, you got an Ice House banner.

02:10:43.000 Latino Comedy.

02:10:45.000 There was a chick on there that sent me a message on there.

02:10:48.000 I want to see if it's still on there.

02:10:50.000 Don't show it online.

02:10:52.000 Oh, you remembered me, Joey!

02:10:54.000 Is that online still, this thing?

02:10:56.000 Yeah, it's in the internet archives.

02:10:58.000 Here's a picture of Pablo from back in the day that you probably forgot about.

02:11:01.000 That's what I was just saying, that I was listening to Pablo on the way over here.

02:11:05.000 It was on Jamie Foxx's thing, The Foxhole, the same one where he's interviewing Quentin Tarantino.

02:11:12.000 And I was listening to Pablo.

02:11:16.000 Pablo is so fucking entertaining.

02:11:19.000 That dude did nothing but Jackie Chan, like, like, Jackie Chan, like, trailer, like, jokes.

02:11:25.000 You know, like, he's the nicest guy in the world.

02:11:29.000 You know, like, I'm so nice, why do you have to fight me?

02:11:31.000 Like, and it was, he just did nothing but that for ten minutes, and I'm just laughing like, like, a fool in my car, giggling on the way up here.

02:11:41.000 What are you doing, Brian?

02:11:41.000 You're distracting the shit out of him with all this.

02:11:44.000 I don't fucking know what.

02:11:46.000 You're staring at magic tricks.

02:11:47.000 Nah, nah.

02:11:48.000 Yeah, you're definitely on an edible.

02:11:51.000 I got stolen as fuck from the...

02:11:53.000 Bro, I haven't been smoking weed from the solid sense.

02:11:57.000 From the solid sense?

02:11:58.000 What does that mean?

02:11:58.000 I've been smoking the vapors.

02:11:59.000 Oh, yeah.

02:12:01.000 That vaporizer is very good, but it's not as good as smoking weed.

02:12:04.000 No, no, no, no.

02:12:04.000 That's what I'm saying.

02:12:05.000 It's pretty good.

02:12:06.000 It gets you going in the morning, but...

02:12:08.000 I think it's the right amount before you go on stage.

02:12:10.000 Yeah, yeah, it's the right amount.

02:12:11.000 You have to switch up the capsules because you're used to it, so you've got to have a sativa.

02:12:16.000 And I've got to do that when I smoke weed anyway.

02:12:18.000 I do the same thing.

02:12:19.000 Yeah, you always mix it up.

02:12:20.000 Smoke the same weed the whole fucking day.

02:12:21.000 I can't believe it.

02:12:22.000 We're different like that, though.

02:12:23.000 I don't mind smoking the same weed all the time.

02:12:25.000 I can smoke the same weed for like six months.

02:12:27.000 No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

02:12:28.000 I never understood how somebody bought a pound of weed.

02:12:31.000 Every time you went on, you got the same fucking weed.

02:12:33.000 You're killing me, that guy.

02:12:34.000 Switch this bitch up.

02:12:36.000 I think you and I do very different things with the weed.

02:12:38.000 No, no, no, no.

02:12:39.000 Even if you smoke it, like some mornings you want to smoke a, excuse me, a sativa.

02:12:44.000 Some mornings, you know, you want the sativas.

02:12:47.000 I love sativas.

02:12:47.000 But how high are you getting?

02:12:49.000 Are you getting like stupid high?

02:12:50.000 In the mornings?

02:12:51.000 No, no, no, not like I used to, no.

02:12:54.000 So when you were switching to money.

02:12:56.000 Listen, bro, when I was waking up and smoking Matzo G at 4.45 in the a.m., By 5.30, you're drooling.

02:13:04.000 That Indica, uh, uh, uh, Sativa fucking grind together.

02:13:09.000 I had to get out, jump in a pool.

02:13:11.000 You gotta do something.

02:13:12.000 You gotta do something.

02:13:12.000 You gotta get on a bicycle.

02:13:14.000 It's like that shit that Lance Armstrong, AAMB, what were they shooting in their legs?

02:13:18.000 They gotta get up at 3 in the fucking morning and pedal their fucking thing.

02:13:21.000 Yeah, EPO. Same thing.

02:13:22.000 I was getting that type of reaction from the weed, which I love.

02:13:25.000 I love getting high and having the sudden nerves to go hit the bag for 30 minutes or throw kicks.

02:13:31.000 I like that, where 15 minutes in, you're like, oh my god, I'm 15 minutes in.

02:13:36.000 Right.

02:13:37.000 Are you fucking kidding me?

02:13:39.000 Yeah, it feels good to move your body around.

02:13:41.000 Well, the thing that comes with weed, especially if you get that full body high, a lot of deep indicas, you get that real sensitivity to all of your body, all the different aspects of your body, all the different muscle fibers and shit you feel moving around and shit,

02:13:59.000 stretching.

02:13:59.000 I've done everything pretty much.

02:14:01.000 I've tried pretty much.

02:14:03.000 I want to live in Colorado.

02:14:04.000 You know, climbing a wall and everything.

02:14:07.000 The easiest two things I've done high, which I really enjoy, number one on the list is yoga.

02:14:13.000 Yoga's amazing.

02:14:14.000 It's amazing, really high to the gills.

02:14:16.000 On an edible, it's better because you get more energy in your lungs to hold the poses and shit like that, especially if you eat like a cookie.

02:14:24.000 But who's going to go to 6 a.m.

02:14:26.000 yoga?

02:14:26.000 You've got to go up at 3.30 to eat a fucking edible.

02:14:28.000 You're a savage.

02:14:29.000 You know what they say the best thing with yoga is?

02:14:32.000 The real aficionados?

02:14:34.000 Eating hashish.

02:14:35.000 Hashish, yeah.

02:14:36.000 A little hash cookie or something.

02:14:37.000 Yeah, eat hashish, and then an hour and 20 minutes later, you do the yoga.

02:14:41.000 When they've When Bruce Lee died, what was in his system?

02:14:44.000 THC or Hashish?

02:14:45.000 Neither one.

02:14:46.000 I mean, I'm sure he had some stuff in his system, but he died from a cerebral...

02:14:50.000 No, no, I understand.

02:14:50.000 No, no.

02:14:51.000 I have nothing with the cause.

02:14:52.000 He died from the fucking Yakuza and the fucking Chinese.

02:14:56.000 Yeah, because they killed him.

02:14:57.000 He stopped making money, but...

02:14:58.000 You think so?

02:14:59.000 Yeah.

02:14:59.000 Once he went over to Warner Brothers, how are they going to cleanse their money?

02:15:02.000 Is that like the conspiracy theory?

02:15:04.000 Is that the main theory?

02:15:05.000 Look, he made three movies over there.

02:15:06.000 He made four movies over there.

02:15:08.000 Right.

02:15:08.000 Then he came over, he went to do Enter the Dragon, then he went back to release the movie, and he died or something.

02:15:14.000 So you think they whacked him?

02:15:15.000 I don't know what happened, but I know those movies have made gazillions, like, they look at all these people, oh, they made this movie for this.

02:15:21.000 What do you think it costs to make Fist of Fury in the Philippines?

02:15:24.000 Fifty bucks.

02:15:25.000 How many millions do you think they've made?

02:15:27.000 It's probably a lot.

02:15:28.000 Millions.

02:15:29.000 You know what's crazy?

02:15:30.000 Millions and millions.

02:15:33.000 What was the producer on those movies he did, Ren Ren Chow?

02:15:36.000 I don't know.

02:15:36.000 Raymond Chow was the producer on all those movies.

02:15:40.000 After 1973, I want you to look at how many movies...

02:15:45.000 Do you know where that picture was from?

02:15:47.000 Yeah.

02:15:48.000 Do you know where I do?

02:15:49.000 Do you know where it's from, Joey?

02:15:50.000 Where?

02:15:50.000 Oh, that's from Florida.

02:15:51.000 Austin, motherfucking Texas.

02:15:53.000 That one place that we always stay at.

02:15:55.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:15:55.000 Straight from that other place.

02:15:56.000 If you look and see after Bruce Lee died...

02:15:59.000 In 73, how many movies Raymond Chow produced in the U.S.? Take a look.

02:16:03.000 How many?

02:16:04.000 Take a fucking look.

02:16:05.000 Don't ask me.

02:16:06.000 Well, there was a big market for those Bruce Lai movies.

02:16:08.000 No, this was not Bruce Lai.

02:16:09.000 He directed Death Hunt with Charles Bronson.

02:16:11.000 How the fuck is Raymond Chow a director on a Charles Bronson movie, a producer?

02:16:16.000 Go ahead.

02:16:17.000 I don't know.

02:16:17.000 How was it?

02:16:18.000 Go ahead.

02:16:18.000 I don't know.

02:16:18.000 You tell me.

02:16:19.000 Is that a conspiracy?

02:16:20.000 I don't know what's going on here.

02:16:20.000 You tell me.

02:16:21.000 Raymond Chow had his own fucking company.

02:16:23.000 Which is called whatever movies.

02:16:25.000 The movies that fucking did.

02:16:27.000 Joey Diaz is the...

02:16:28.000 No, I'm not.

02:16:30.000 I'm not nothing.

02:16:31.000 I'm a nobody.

02:16:31.000 I'm just telling you speculation.

02:16:33.000 He's the Alex Jones of the Chinese come-through movies.

02:16:36.000 See, what you motherfuckers forget...

02:16:36.000 What you motherfuckers forget that you guys were here for the cell phone.

02:16:39.000 You guys were here for this.

02:16:40.000 I was here for...

02:16:41.000 United States government killed Bruce Lee.

02:16:43.000 I was here for...

02:16:43.000 No, it wasn't no fucking government.

02:16:45.000 I was here for the Bruce Lee invasion.

02:16:47.000 A lot of people were here for the Beatles invasion, not me.

02:16:49.000 I was here for the Bruce...

02:16:50.000 I was here when everybody was walking around with Chinese shoes.

02:16:53.000 Raymond Chow with known CFI titles.

02:16:55.000 No.

02:16:56.000 Raymond Chow...

02:16:57.000 He's executive producer of like every single movie in the world.

02:17:00.000 Okay, after 73 or before 73?

02:17:03.000 United States only.

02:17:03.000 Let's look at all those movies and how many of those movies do you think he got to fuck white girls in?

02:17:09.000 How many where they brought white chicks to him and he just had mad white chick orgies?

02:17:15.000 Now, before 73, he was Enter the Dragon.

02:17:17.000 What else?

02:17:19.000 Look at all those goddamn movies.

02:17:21.000 That's the craziest shit I've ever seen in my life.

02:17:23.000 That guy directed 100 fucking movies.

02:17:26.000 What are the actual numbers, Brian?

02:17:28.000 How many movies did he actually direct?

02:17:30.000 Does it say?

02:17:31.000 160 he produced.

02:17:33.000 Holy shit.

02:17:36.000 But you could, like, be produced in a couple different movies at a time.

02:17:39.000 You can't really...

02:17:39.000 Can you really...

02:17:40.000 Oh, slow down again!

02:17:41.000 Look at that.

02:17:42.000 He produced...

02:17:43.000 Keep going slowly, slowly.

02:17:45.000 Slowly, you fuck...

02:17:48.000 All right, but keep going up.

02:17:50.000 Keep going up.

02:17:51.000 Up, up, up.

02:17:52.000 The other way.

02:17:53.000 The other way.

02:17:54.000 Up, up, up.

02:17:55.000 Slow down.

02:17:56.000 The big brawl.

02:17:58.000 Game of Death 2. Oh, that was the worst one ever.

02:18:01.000 Cannonball Run!

02:18:02.000 Look at these movies this motherfucker did.

02:18:04.000 He did Cannonball Run.

02:18:06.000 Look at this shit.

02:18:07.000 Breakthrough.

02:18:07.000 Look at this.

02:18:07.000 Keep going.

02:18:08.000 Keep going.

02:18:09.000 What's Breakthrough?

02:18:10.000 Who the fuck knows?

02:18:13.000 Cannonball Run 2. He did the Cannonball Run 1 and 2. Oh, wow.

02:18:22.000 That motherfucker.

02:18:24.000 Police Story 2?

02:18:25.000 He did everything.

02:18:26.000 Above the Law.

02:18:27.000 A lot of Chinese movies, huh?

02:18:29.000 Yeah, that's where the...

02:18:32.000 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 and Once Upon a Time in China.

02:18:35.000 He just muscled himself into those movies.

02:18:38.000 They just bring them to him.

02:18:40.000 Would you mind being in this?

02:18:42.000 Look at this.

02:18:42.000 Sunwaku, everything.

02:18:44.000 Is he single?

02:18:46.000 Brian, you gotta stop with that dumb fake gay voice.

02:18:50.000 That's ruining your internet rep.

02:18:51.000 It's not a gay voice.

02:18:52.000 You're doing so well and then you do that and everybody goes, God damn it.

02:18:56.000 Stop it.

02:18:57.000 You know what it is.

02:18:57.000 It's a vegan voice.

02:18:58.000 Oh, how dare you.

02:19:01.000 How dare you?

02:19:03.000 Shit, Joey Diaz.

02:19:06.000 So what's next, Joey?

02:19:08.000 You know me, baby.

02:19:09.000 You know what's fucking next?

02:19:10.000 Friday night.

02:19:11.000 Friday night.

02:19:11.000 The 21st, 8 o'clock.

02:19:13.000 We'll turn motherfucking theater.

02:19:15.000 I'm eating the first edible like at 1 o'clock in the afternoon.

02:19:18.000 I'm timing it all perfectly.

02:19:20.000 I'm doing MGMH at 4. What's MGMH? I don't know.

02:19:24.000 Mixed with fucking mushrooms, bath salts, bazookas.

02:19:28.000 I'm doing everything.

02:19:29.000 We want to extend a formal invitation to John McAfee.

02:19:32.000 If you are free in the United States, we have two tickets for you for the Wilton Theater.

02:19:36.000 You'll sit right next to Brian Redman and his date for the evening.

02:19:40.000 What are you bringing, Brian?

02:19:41.000 No bath salts at the Wilton Theater.

02:19:44.000 Please, folks, it's the end of the world.

02:19:46.000 We can go bath salt-free for one night.

02:19:48.000 Shall we keep it together?

02:19:51.000 Joe Diaz, Doug Stanhope, Honey Honey, and me.

02:19:55.000 And Doug Stanhope will be on the podcast on Saturday, the day after the end of the world.

02:19:59.000 If there is a world to return to, we will do the Doug Stanhope podcast Saturday afternoon.

02:20:05.000 You dirty fucks.

02:20:06.000 Alright, folks?

02:20:08.000 Oh, my special's out.

02:20:10.000 It's out right now.

02:20:12.000 So if you're inclined, if you go to JoeRogan.net, it's called Live from the Tabernacle.

02:20:17.000 I think it's my best one yet.

02:20:19.000 Is it going to be on iTunes also so I can just download it through iTunes?

02:20:22.000 Maybe eventually.

02:20:23.000 But right now it's just through my website for probably the longest time.

02:20:26.000 Maybe like a year or two.

02:20:28.000 Maybe for the rest of my life.

02:20:29.000 But it's an unprotected file so you can just move it on to like a computer and stream it.

02:20:33.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:20:33.000 What is it called?

02:20:34.000 DRM Free?

02:20:35.000 Yeah, DRM Free.

02:20:36.000 Is that what it's called?

02:20:36.000 Yeah, no.

02:20:36.000 It's the same way Louis C.K. did it.

02:20:38.000 I completely stole everything he did.

02:20:40.000 Right.

02:20:41.000 And if you have an Apple TV, all you do is you open it up in iTunes, and on the top right-hand button, you can send it to your Apple TV. Yeah, you can stream it.

02:20:48.000 There's a lot of ways you can stream it, though.

02:20:50.000 Yeah, there's all sorts of ways you can watch it on your television.

02:20:52.000 I'm not the most technologically inclined, but we tried to make it as easy as possible.

02:20:57.000 And the feedback has been amazing, so thank you very much.

02:21:01.000 I'm real excited that so many people decided to download it.

02:21:03.000 Congratulations, Doug.

02:21:04.000 Thanks, man.

02:21:04.000 I'm very happy.

02:21:06.000 I think what Louis did was really important for us, for stand-up comedians.

02:21:11.000 His idea was perfect.

02:21:13.000 It was brilliant.

02:21:14.000 The amount of money was the right amount of money.

02:21:15.000 Five bucks.

02:21:16.000 He could have made it ten.

02:21:18.000 Probably the same amount of people would buy it.

02:21:19.000 But five is really honest.

02:21:22.000 You're getting a recording of the live performance.

02:21:24.000 You're not getting the live performance itself.

02:21:25.000 You're getting the recording.

02:21:26.000 It's worth five bucks.

02:21:27.000 You know the best thing that you're doing also is the ability to send it as a gift.

02:21:32.000 So like I've already sent it to a few people.

02:21:34.000 You just put their email address and then you pretty much buy it and then just send it to them.

02:21:37.000 They get download instructions so like you can send it to your friends or families.

02:21:41.000 Yeah, we wanted to have it set up like that.

02:21:43.000 We wanted to have it so that you could send it to people if you dug it.

02:21:47.000 People love sending people.

02:21:49.000 A lot of people send me music.

02:21:51.000 That's how we found out about Honey Honey.

02:21:53.000 I constantly hear about new bands.

02:21:55.000 That's how I found out about...

02:21:57.000 uh...

02:21:57.000 roadkill ghost choir somebody sent it to me i i love that and uh...

02:22:01.000 people love doing that with comics too and so if you want to send mine you can do that there's uh...

02:22:04.000 there's uh...

02:22:05.000 you can you can gift it and um...

02:22:07.000 joe when he when's the next thing that uh...

02:22:09.000 people can see you when what's the next uh...

02:22:11.000 january seventeenth at the irvine improv after the birth of my fucking daughter in the next couple weeks so i'm just at home chilling writing Kickboxing, lifting weights.

02:22:21.000 I'm trying to do everything.

02:22:22.000 What day is January 17th?

02:22:23.000 It's a Thursday night.

02:22:24.000 Thursday night.

02:22:25.000 So that's the next time.

02:22:26.000 And when are you going to release something live?

02:22:28.000 I have no fucking idea.

02:22:29.000 Let's do that.

02:22:30.000 Can I produce that?

02:22:31.000 Sure.

02:22:32.000 How about we'll do that?

02:22:32.000 How about the next thing that I do through Talking Monkey Incorporated?

02:22:36.000 We'll just produce your shit and release it the same way.

02:22:38.000 Done.

02:22:39.000 On your webpage?

02:22:40.000 Yeah, or yours or whatever.

02:22:41.000 We'll make it set yours up the same way.

02:22:43.000 No, no, I'd love to email it to you.

02:22:43.000 Same fucking thing.

02:22:44.000 Okay, let's do it.

02:22:45.000 Join EatBalls.com.

02:22:46.000 Let's do it.

02:22:46.000 Yeah, we'll put together a time where we can record you at some club.

02:22:53.000 And I think for you, what would really be badass, one of the cool ways to do it with you, is to take you from the fucking green room, like one camera, from the green room all the way out to the stage, follow you through the whole thing.

02:23:08.000 Just one crazy wild fucking take.

02:23:10.000 And then you sneak out the back door.

02:23:12.000 Do four shows.

02:23:13.000 Do four shows.

02:23:14.000 Pick the one you like the best.

02:23:16.000 Release the hounds.

02:23:17.000 I get these emails from people all the time.

02:23:20.000 When is Joey Cocodia going to have some kind of comedy special?

02:23:23.000 As long as you're on, let's do it.

02:23:24.000 I always want to do when we're talking monkey, dead squad, motherfucking records in full effect.

02:23:29.000 Hey, and we're going to be at the improv Thursday.

02:23:32.000 Thursday night.

02:23:32.000 We're going to be there Thursday night.

02:23:33.000 I'm going to be at the improv tonight with Ari at the Storyteller Show with Greg Fitzsimmons and a couple people.

02:23:38.000 Come on by and see Greg Thursday night.

02:23:41.000 Five bucks.

02:23:42.000 Five bucks.

02:23:43.000 Goes to charity.

02:23:45.000 And it's really fun.

02:23:46.000 That's a really fun time.

02:23:48.000 And Thursday night we're there where you were 8 o'clock, correct?

02:23:50.000 Yeah, 8 o'clock Thursday Improv.com.

02:23:52.000 It's the Hollywood Improv.

02:23:53.000 On the 17th of January in Irvine.

02:23:55.000 By that time you'll have your first check.

02:23:57.000 Everything will be real for you.

02:23:58.000 Hopefully, or the aliens will have landed and money will be worthless.

02:24:02.000 Fuck Apocalyptos.

02:24:03.000 Fuck Mel Gibson.

02:24:05.000 Fuck millions.

02:24:06.000 Brian and I are already wearing our NASA outfits.

02:24:08.000 That's right.

02:24:09.000 Because we are volunteering for Volunteer NASA. Because there will be a volunteer NASA in the future, just like volunteer fire department.

02:24:16.000 I'm just doing it because I want to trick Kara Santa Maria to think about it.

02:24:19.000 You're smart.

02:24:21.000 Good move.

02:24:22.000 I like what you're doing.

02:24:23.000 I think it'll work.

02:24:25.000 You know what I think?

02:24:26.000 Yeah, I think as long as you make the effort to try to trick her, she'll just play along.

02:24:29.000 And then you're golden.

02:24:30.000 And then it's like your whole life is like a fantasy role-playing game.

02:24:33.000 That's kind of cool.

02:24:33.000 You pretend you're the super scientist in NASA. And even though you're just leaving our house, you're telling me you have to go to the moon.

02:24:38.000 Dude, that's a great idea.

02:24:40.000 I'll print out like fake NASA documents and I would carry them around all the time on a clipboard.

02:24:44.000 It reminds me of a Robin Harris bit.

02:24:46.000 Robin Harris is one of the lost comics that nobody ever talks about.

02:24:49.000 And D.L. Hughley sort of was influenced by him quite a lot, especially early in D.L.'s career.

02:24:55.000 You two?

02:24:56.000 Robin Harris is really, really funny.

02:24:57.000 But one of the things he had a great joke about, he said, Man, everybody ain't no pretty woman.

02:25:02.000 He goes, pity woman man, too much work.

02:25:05.000 He goes, ugly woman, you can tell her anything.

02:25:07.000 Bitch, I'm going to the moon.

02:25:10.000 You better be careful.

02:25:12.000 I don't want nothing to happen to you up there.

02:25:15.000 And he was, like, so, like, casual in his delivery and, like, relaxed.

02:25:21.000 And he just made you smile just looking at him up there.

02:25:24.000 He was Sweet Dick Willie and do the right fucking thing.

02:25:27.000 And he was tremendous.

02:25:28.000 Who else would have a character named Sweet Dick Willie?

02:25:33.000 Yeah.

02:25:35.000 Ugly woman, you tell her anything.

02:25:36.000 Bitch, I'm going to the moon.

02:25:40.000 I'll never forget listening to that, man.

02:25:42.000 Yeah, I think there's a special called Bebe's Kids.

02:25:44.000 Bebe's Kids.

02:25:45.000 Yeah, I think you could...

02:25:47.000 I don't know if you could watch it, but you could definitely listen to it.

02:25:49.000 I used to listen to that shit on cassette, okay?

02:25:52.000 I had that thing on fucking cassette.

02:25:54.000 I used to listen to that in my Volkswagen Corrado.

02:25:57.000 I would drive around and listen to...

02:26:00.000 Joey Diaz, you're yawning.

02:26:02.000 I'm always yawning, brother.

02:26:03.000 What's the matter, man?

02:26:04.000 You not getting asleep?

02:26:05.000 Are you nervous?

02:26:05.000 No, I was up at fucking...

02:26:09.000 4.30.

02:26:10.000 Are you up with the sun and gone with the wind?

02:26:12.000 Yeah.

02:26:13.000 I went to bed early last night and got up early.

02:26:15.000 Yeah?

02:26:16.000 Just, uh, yeah.

02:26:17.000 You're always up, man.

02:26:18.000 I text you at 6 o'clock in the morning and you text me back.

02:26:20.000 Yeah, I was ready to rock at 6. I sent you a text.

02:26:23.000 You know about fucking 8 o'clock this morning, going to the kitchen, making a protein shake, and fucking going, wow, it's 8 o'clock and I've already done 30 fucking things.

02:26:34.000 That's Robin Harris right there.

02:26:36.000 Yeah, right there.

02:26:36.000 Like, I didn't leave the house, but I had already done 30 fucking things in the house.

02:26:40.000 Showered, breakfast, protein shake, emails, phone calls, the whole fucking deal.

02:26:48.000 Have you thought about moving to the suburbs where all people raise their babies?

02:26:53.000 Are you going to stay in the hood?

02:26:56.000 No, I'm alright.

02:26:57.000 I'm alright where I'm at.

02:26:58.000 You like where you're at?

02:26:59.000 Yeah, I'm going to stay there for a few months.

02:27:00.000 You thought about moving to Nashville too, huh?

02:27:02.000 I thought about a lot of fucking things.

02:27:04.000 Talk to Honey Honey, you'll move there.

02:27:05.000 They love it there.

02:27:06.000 I know.

02:27:06.000 A lot of people love it there.

02:27:07.000 Except everyone's armed.

02:27:09.000 They say that's the problem.

02:27:10.000 Everybody knows somebody that's been shot.

02:27:12.000 Well, she shot him and then he shot her back.

02:27:16.000 Everybody's fucking on.

02:27:17.000 But you know what?

02:27:18.000 I don't run in no circles.

02:27:20.000 Have you ever seen the Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia?

02:27:24.000 I heard about it.

02:27:25.000 I'm getting you that for Christmas.

02:27:26.000 Yes.

02:27:26.000 I'm going to have to get you that for Christmas.

02:27:28.000 I don't run in no circles, so I'm not worried.

02:27:29.000 You know, weapons, when I did carry a weapon when I was 27, I thought I was a coke dealer and I carried the Miami Vice with the upside-down piece with the two clips with 16 and the fuck 14. How old were you?

02:27:42.000 I was probably 27 when I thought I was Don Johnson.

02:27:45.000 And you were just walking around with a gun for how long?

02:27:47.000 It's just at night.

02:27:48.000 At night I get paranoid looking out windows fucking.

02:27:50.000 And then at night, like if I had to go pick up $80 from you, I'd put the gun on.

02:27:54.000 Like, whoa.

02:27:55.000 Really?

02:27:55.000 You know, and just not that I wouldn't show it to you, but I'd have it on me just in case.

02:27:59.000 And it was just weird that things would happen around me when I had that gun.

02:28:03.000 And then one day I stopped wearing the gun and those things disappeared.

02:28:07.000 So I've heard people say that before.

02:28:09.000 Yeah, they're a magnet, brother.

02:28:10.000 You really think?

02:28:11.000 Fuck yeah.

02:28:12.000 Fuck yeah.

02:28:13.000 Do you think it's the mindset that you have while you're carrying it that makes you a magnet for problems?

02:28:18.000 You know what?

02:28:19.000 When I carried a gun was the only time somebody opened their jacket to me one time and let me know they had a gun or somebody they were with.

02:28:27.000 You know, one time it happened in El Paso, but that shit's gonna happen in El Paso when you're by and blow at 4 in the morning with somebody's wife, you know.

02:28:35.000 I would imagine that'd be a shame.

02:28:36.000 Yeah, so, just like knives, I've seen people get stabbed and got into fights when they have a knife on me.

02:28:43.000 What the fuck am I gonna carry a knife on me fucking for?

02:28:45.000 For what?

02:28:46.000 You know when you carry a knife?

02:28:47.000 You know who gets cut when you carry a knife?

02:28:48.000 You do.

02:28:49.000 You dumb motherfucker.

02:28:51.000 That's who gets caught when you stab somebody and shit you're not used to.

02:28:54.000 Even when you train with fucking knives, you'll cut your hands.

02:28:57.000 Yeah.

02:28:57.000 If they don't have the guards at the end because the shit slips off.

02:29:01.000 That's the first thing.

02:29:02.000 If you don't know how to use a knife, you should not fuck with one.

02:29:06.000 You're only going to hurt your fucking hands.

02:29:07.000 You really are.

02:29:08.000 Yeah, how many people really know how to use a knife?

02:29:11.000 Not many.

02:29:11.000 They think they watch fucking Boys in the Hood and all of a sudden they fucking go out and buy a Switchblade.

02:29:16.000 You have no idea, my friend.

02:29:18.000 You have no idea when your knife hits a bone and it twists and it pops out.

02:29:23.000 I've seen people with knives get the shit knocked out of them for pulling out a fucking knife or something.

02:29:28.000 One time at Port Authority in New York, I seen something go down.

02:29:32.000 You know when you catch a tail end or something?

02:29:34.000 And that's what had happened.

02:29:36.000 This guy pulled out a knife, went to stab a dude with a leather jacket on.

02:29:39.000 You're in no danger, stupid.

02:29:42.000 You're in no danger.

02:29:43.000 Like, he hit him in the elbow, the guy caught it.

02:29:45.000 And this guy just knocked the fuck out of him.

02:29:48.000 Broke his fucking lip.

02:29:50.000 It was beautiful.

02:29:51.000 So you're saying if you live in a dangerous area, get some chain mail.

02:29:54.000 Get yourself a nice coat of armor.

02:29:57.000 Get a nice leather jacket.

02:29:58.000 But who's going to wear that when it's 150 fucking degrees in Atlanta?

02:30:01.000 How are you going to do that in Atlanta, New York, Miami?

02:30:04.000 Listen, stay the fuck in.

02:30:06.000 Mind your goddamn business.

02:30:07.000 Even when you carried new chucks as a kid, you met other motherfuckers with new chucks.

02:30:11.000 I never carried nunchucks as a kid.

02:30:13.000 You passed that.

02:30:14.000 That was a great time.

02:30:15.000 I had a knife for a while.

02:30:16.000 I had one of those 007 knives.

02:30:17.000 When nunchucks hit, everybody you looked at, instead of having tattoos, they had bruises.

02:30:21.000 When everybody carried nunchucks, everybody had bruises at the back of their elbows.

02:30:25.000 People really carried nunchucks around?

02:30:26.000 Oh, my God.

02:30:27.000 In the fucking mid-70s, when Bruce Lee came out like this.

02:30:31.000 I think he took the Chinese connection.

02:30:34.000 When he took those nunchucks, it was done.

02:30:37.000 Then there was another movie that came out called Corrado the Hong Kong Cat that is not documented, that I've been hunting for fucking years.

02:30:44.000 Because his new chucks had copper on their corners.

02:30:47.000 So this motherfucker took...

02:30:49.000 Bruce Lee took two brooms.

02:30:52.000 You took a hole.

02:30:53.000 You drilled it.

02:30:54.000 And you put eye hooks.

02:30:55.000 And you took two chains.

02:30:56.000 Those were new chucks.

02:30:57.000 Not Hong Kong Cat.

02:30:58.000 He took it to a different motherfucking level.

02:31:00.000 He took two new chucks like this.

02:31:02.000 Drilled them, but instead of putting just the thing in, he put metal caps with an eye, and then he put an eye hook into that.

02:31:09.000 Not to mention, the bottom, he'd go to the hardware store, to the plumbing supply, and put caps on the bottom.

02:31:15.000 Copper caps and crazy glue them on there.

02:31:17.000 So when you got hit in the head, when you got hit in the head with copper instead of fucking wood, that's what Hong Kong did.

02:31:23.000 He added a whole different dimension to the nunchuck world over there.

02:31:26.000 Nunchucks made me realize about the differences in woods.

02:31:30.000 That's how I found out about different kinds of woods.

02:31:32.000 From nunchucks.

02:31:33.000 Because you would go to buy them on those catalogs.

02:31:35.000 They would have like cocobolo.

02:31:37.000 You wanted cocobolo woodchucks.

02:31:38.000 A very dark, dense wood.

02:31:40.000 Very heavy.

02:31:41.000 You're like, oh, those would make some badass nunchucks.

02:31:43.000 That's how I found out about cocobolo and oak.

02:31:46.000 Like what the harder woods were.

02:31:48.000 It was like what they were making nunchucks out of.

02:31:50.000 Oak was the harder one.

02:31:51.000 Bocobolo.

02:31:52.000 Cocobolo's pretty hard.

02:31:52.000 Those are the hard ones.

02:31:53.000 Because oak were hard, but...

02:31:55.000 If you could get real ebony, that's really hard too.

02:31:58.000 That's really hard.

02:31:58.000 Really heavy.

02:32:00.000 The dark woods, mostly, are usually the harder woods.

02:32:05.000 Ebony is an extremely heavy, dense wood.

02:32:08.000 That's why they use it a lot.

02:32:09.000 A lot of people like it for pool cues.

02:32:11.000 They make them out of ebony because it's so dense and heavy.

02:32:14.000 It's just tough to get an ebony pool cue that's a lightweight one.

02:32:19.000 You know what's crazy, though?

02:32:20.000 I've seen growing up, I've seen a thousand white kids with new chucks.

02:32:25.000 Black people love new chucks.

02:32:27.000 There's some Bruce Lee man.

02:32:28.000 There you go, right there.

02:32:29.000 But way before this, the Chinese connection was where he took them to a...

02:32:34.000 Look at this.

02:32:34.000 By this time here, motherfuckers...

02:32:37.000 Once he took it from the bottom...

02:32:38.000 Put the sound so you can hear it.

02:32:40.000 Because the sound is crazy.

02:32:44.000 Doesn't have sound.

02:32:45.000 The video doesn't have sound.

02:32:46.000 Right there.

02:32:46.000 That was July of 73. This fucking country lost their minds.

02:32:51.000 Oh, they lost their minds.

02:32:52.000 They lost their black people at the movie theater.

02:32:55.000 Lost their fucking minds.

02:32:56.000 I was living in an apartment, and the superintendent was in an apartment.

02:32:59.000 Go the other way.

02:32:59.000 For Chinese Connection, New Chuck.

02:33:01.000 Right there.

02:33:01.000 Is that it?

02:33:03.000 I was living in this apartment, and the superintendent, whatever it was, yeah, I guess it was the superintendent, the guy who takes care of the building, his family, he had a son that was like my age, and that's how I found out about Bruce Lee.

02:33:15.000 They're like, you don't know about Bruce Lee?

02:33:16.000 I was like, what's Bruce Lee?

02:33:17.000 And I went over to their house, they were showing me these Bruce Lee posters, like, whoa, he had like a poster, like Enter the Dragon, you know, with the fucking cuts on him with the blood.

02:33:24.000 I was like, what is this?

02:33:25.000 And then I think they took me to see a movie.

02:33:28.000 You know, you didn't have VCRs back then, so you had to actually go to the movies.

02:33:31.000 I'm pretty sure they took me to see the first Bruce Lee movie I ever saw, and I was like, whoa!

02:33:38.000 This is Chinese Connection.

02:33:40.000 This is like a really good together reel.

02:33:43.000 I remember being in the fourth grade at Sacred Heart School for Boys watching Happy Days on a Tuesday fucking night and all of a sudden right there seeing the trailer for The Chinese Connection and Joe Rogan losing my fucking mind.

02:33:57.000 That was a badass.

02:33:58.000 That was his best movie.

02:33:59.000 Yeah, there was no character like this.

02:34:02.000 Who's that guy?

02:34:03.000 What's his name, Joe Rogan?

02:34:03.000 Samuel Hung.

02:34:04.000 Samuel Hung.

02:34:05.000 Look at this shit.

02:34:06.000 I think that's Samuel Hung.

02:34:07.000 Yeah, that's Samuel Hung.

02:34:10.000 Yeah.

02:34:10.000 Look at Chuck Norris.

02:34:11.000 There's Chuck Norris and him duking it out.

02:34:13.000 Chuck Norris, a lot of people don't know.

02:34:15.000 You see him when he's like 60 years old in Walker, Texas Ranger, and you don't know the history.

02:34:19.000 Chuck Norris was like a real kickboxing champion.

02:34:22.000 Like one of the first.

02:34:24.000 A karate tournament champion?

02:34:26.000 Right there.

02:34:26.000 When I first saw that scene, that destroyed America.

02:34:30.000 That was it.

02:34:31.000 After that, America never recovered from that.

02:34:33.000 People were eating Chinese food.

02:34:35.000 Kids were going to Chinatown.

02:34:37.000 You know, it completely opened up a new door, bro.

02:34:40.000 Instead of going to the fucking roller skating on Saturdays, we were going to Chinatown.

02:34:45.000 To eat their food.

02:34:46.000 Remember when people started wearing Chinese slippers?

02:34:48.000 I wore them when my mother thought I was crazy.

02:34:50.000 I used to wear sandals and fucking incense in the house.

02:34:54.000 Right there.

02:34:54.000 That's just amazing.

02:34:56.000 The Chinese Connection is just a tremendous fucking movie if you've never seen it.

02:35:00.000 He's raw.

02:35:01.000 And you know who he's on the phone with the whole time, Joe Rogan?

02:35:04.000 And after this, we gotta go.

02:35:05.000 Who?

02:35:06.000 She can't top this.

02:35:07.000 When he shot The Chinese Connection the whole time, he was on the phone with Steve motherfucking McQueen.

02:35:12.000 Yeah.

02:35:12.000 The whole time, he's like, what do I do?

02:35:14.000 I'm just a Chinese.

02:35:15.000 What the fuck do I do?

02:35:17.000 That's who gave me the idea to hang motherfuckers.

02:35:20.000 In the Chinese connection, he killed the motherfuckers and he hung them.

02:35:24.000 Didn't he take lessons, Steve McQueen?

02:35:27.000 Yeah, and James Coburn.

02:35:30.000 Oh, please.

02:35:31.000 Didn't you do a movie with James Coburn?

02:35:32.000 You did something with James Coburn?

02:35:34.000 What did you do with him?

02:35:35.000 Oh, I did a couple things with him.

02:35:37.000 I did Arliss, an episode of Arliss, and I did American Gun with him.

02:35:42.000 What's American Gun?

02:35:43.000 American Gun is a movie about a kid who, he's a father.

02:35:48.000 His daughter gets shot by a gun and he does the background of a gun.

02:35:52.000 When's the next UFC you're coming to, man?

02:35:55.000 Come to one of these.

02:35:56.000 Well, I can't go to December 29th, and then maybe one of the ones in January.

02:35:59.000 Can you go to February?

02:36:00.000 I miss them too, dawg.

02:36:01.000 Can you go to February 4th?

02:36:02.000 No.

02:36:03.000 You can't go to that one?

02:36:05.000 Aldo vs.

02:36:06.000 Frankie Edgar.

02:36:07.000 Please, don't fucking remind me.

02:36:08.000 And Alistair Overeem vs.

02:36:10.000 Bigfoot Silva.

02:36:11.000 Please, don't fucking remind me.

02:36:12.000 Don't break my heart.

02:36:13.000 Oh, shit, son.

02:36:14.000 Las Vegas.

02:36:15.000 Oh, Joey, go to that one, because that's also the one we have the gig on Friday night.

02:36:20.000 The gig on Friday night.

02:36:20.000 At Mandalay Bay.

02:36:21.000 I know that this guy booked me in.

02:36:23.000 That one's good, Gitas.

02:36:26.000 I just want to go to the fucking UFC, dawg.

02:36:28.000 Well, come on, man.

02:36:29.000 Let's do it.

02:36:29.000 Are you booked?

02:36:30.000 I think I'm booked for the Irvine one.

02:36:32.000 But are you booked for that February weekend?

02:36:34.000 I don't know.

02:36:35.000 I gotta look.

02:36:36.000 It's either the week of February or the week before that I'm booked.

02:36:40.000 All you motherfuckers have careers now.

02:36:42.000 This is very disappointing.

02:36:43.000 We have no fucking careers, dawg.

02:36:44.000 Ari Shafir is booked every goddamn weekend.

02:36:45.000 He was supposed to come with me to Ohio.

02:36:47.000 Remember that, Brian?

02:36:48.000 We advertise him?

02:36:49.000 Oh, sorry.

02:36:49.000 I got booked somewhere.

02:36:51.000 Oh, he's booked?

02:36:51.000 I got booked at Governor's.

02:36:52.000 Yeah, he's just taking bookings over this, the motherfucker.

02:36:55.000 He's going money.

02:36:56.000 No, no, no.

02:36:57.000 He's taking money.

02:36:57.000 Yeah, he needs to call his agent up and tell him he's already booked.

02:37:01.000 We told the people on the internet, Ari Shafir, you'd be coming to Columbus, Ohio.

02:37:05.000 We need to fucking go to the governor's and whatever, whatever.

02:37:10.000 Mumble, mumble, mumble.

02:37:11.000 Find the weed.

02:37:12.000 Mumble, mumble, mumble.

02:37:14.000 Powerful R. Shafir just released his second recording, whatever it is, DVD, CD. That was my old house, man.

02:37:22.000 Remember that, Joey Diaz?

02:37:23.000 Yeah.

02:37:24.000 That was the early weed smoking days.

02:37:26.000 That was like the first year of me smoking weed.

02:37:28.000 That was my full gaming rig set up.

02:37:30.000 See all that shit in the background?

02:37:32.000 Yeah.

02:37:32.000 I built that computer behind Joey's head.

02:37:34.000 I put that motherfucker together myself.

02:37:36.000 Did you?

02:37:36.000 Yep.

02:37:37.000 I built that thing from scratch.

02:37:39.000 Motherboard, add hard drives, the whole deal.

02:37:41.000 That's why I used to do that shit back then.

02:37:42.000 I used to make my own gaming computers.

02:37:44.000 Because if you made them, you could like, you know, you understood like, it's really not very hard.

02:37:49.000 It's really pretty easy.

02:37:51.000 You just, you follow instructions.

02:37:52.000 You know, all you have to do is just put the stuff in the right place and set the jumpers.

02:37:56.000 Remember that, Brian?

02:37:56.000 Remember setting jumpers?

02:37:57.000 Yeah.

02:37:58.000 That was the most annoying shit ever.

02:37:59.000 Yeah, we used to have tweezers, and we used to have to pull these little plastic things out and stick them in the right slots.

02:38:06.000 They had to be in the right slots for various reasons, right?

02:38:09.000 Yeah.

02:38:10.000 Because it was like, certain things had to be on different frequencies, and they, you know...

02:38:17.000 And then you had to flash your bios.

02:38:19.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

02:38:21.000 What the fuck, Joe Diaz?

02:38:22.000 You never did nothing like that, huh?

02:38:23.000 No, I know nothing about this.

02:38:25.000 He just got a website from GoDaddy.

02:38:27.000 I have a hard time changing a fucking flat tire.

02:38:29.000 When are you doing...

02:38:30.000 Are you doing the church of What's Happening Now on Ustream at all?

02:38:33.000 No, I'm still on with the other guys.

02:38:35.000 Stick cam?

02:38:36.000 What do you want?

02:38:36.000 Stick cam?

02:38:37.000 Stick cam.

02:38:38.000 But I'm going to start doing a show live with them on Wednesdays from the Nerdist Studios.

02:38:43.000 Oh, beautiful.

02:38:44.000 So Wednesdays.

02:38:44.000 At the comic book store, right?

02:38:46.000 Wednesday day.

02:38:47.000 No, in the morning at 6 a.m.

02:38:48.000 But they have a comic book store.

02:38:49.000 Isn't that where they have it set up?

02:38:51.000 I hear the fucking stand-up is off the chain.

02:38:53.000 Why don't you get a fucking night there, Red Band?

02:38:55.000 At the...

02:38:56.000 Nerdist Studios.

02:38:57.000 I had the fucking one night there.

02:38:58.000 Where?

02:38:59.000 At the Nerdist place?

02:39:00.000 Really?

02:39:00.000 There's fucking 200 people watching comics.

02:39:02.000 They tell me you can't even get parking spots down there.

02:39:04.000 Wow.

02:39:05.000 Because of the Nerdist Studios.

02:39:06.000 Well, you know...

02:39:07.000 It's at the comic book store Meltdown, right?

02:39:09.000 Oh, yeah.

02:39:09.000 I used to go there before Nerdist was there.

02:39:12.000 It's small though.

02:39:13.000 200 people?

02:39:14.000 But they have a back room.

02:39:15.000 Right.

02:39:17.000 Let's do a show next week after the end of the world at the Ice House.

02:39:20.000 Let's do something for the end of the year.

02:39:22.000 Next Wednesday?

02:39:22.000 We good?

02:39:22.000 Is that Christmas or something?

02:39:24.000 Next Wednesday?

02:39:25.000 Is it Christmas?

02:39:26.000 No, it's the 26th.

02:39:27.000 I'll be out of town 26th.

02:39:29.000 What is next Wednesday?

02:39:30.000 Is it the 26th?

02:39:31.000 Yeah.

02:39:32.000 I have a show in Brea with Doug Benson, I believe.

02:39:36.000 Yeah, it is the 26th.

02:39:38.000 Okay.

02:39:39.000 Yeah, we can't do a show the day after Christmas.

02:39:40.000 We could do that Friday, though.

02:39:42.000 That Friday, that Friday, that Friday.

02:39:43.000 Nope, I'm gone.

02:39:45.000 Where are you?

02:39:45.000 I'm in Vegas.

02:39:47.000 Is this casino like a...

02:39:51.000 What about Thursday?

02:39:52.000 Thursday.

02:39:52.000 We got Thursday.

02:39:54.000 I don't know.

02:39:55.000 Let's do a powerful desk watch show Thursday night.

02:40:01.000 Either way, folks, we'll figure it out.

02:40:03.000 We'll do one on Wednesday or Thursday.

02:40:04.000 We love you, motherfuckers.

02:40:05.000 Merry Christmas.

02:40:07.000 I love you guys.

02:40:07.000 Thank you for the great year.

02:40:09.000 Thank you for all the love, you fucking savages.

02:40:12.000 We love the fuck out of all of you.

02:40:13.000 You have an Irvine show that night?

02:40:15.000 Yeah, the 26th, I'm with Doug Benson and Irvine Improv.

02:40:18.000 And the 27th, which is Thursday, what do you got?

02:40:20.000 Nothing.

02:40:20.000 Oh, so Thursday's good for you.

02:40:22.000 Thursday's good for you?

02:40:23.000 Thursday or Friday.

02:40:24.000 I already have Friday.

02:40:26.000 I got Friday.

02:40:26.000 Friday's Vegas.

02:40:28.000 So are you doing the show that Friday in Vegas?

02:40:31.000 Not that weekend, man.

02:40:32.000 Waiting until February.

02:40:34.000 February rolls around.

02:40:35.000 Got a lot of things happening, man.

02:40:36.000 First week of February, if there is a world left, we're going to do the Mandalay Bay Convention Center.

02:40:42.000 We'll do it in the big room where they do the weigh-ins.

02:40:44.000 So it's like 3,000 people.

02:40:46.000 Come on, man.

02:40:47.000 I need me some Joe ideas in that show.

02:40:49.000 You doing it?

02:40:50.000 You committed?

02:40:51.000 Motherfucker, commit.

02:40:52.000 Who could possibly tell you to do something other than what you want to do?

02:40:56.000 Would you have a calendar on your phone?

02:40:58.000 Make some shit happen.

02:41:01.000 Let me match numbers at least.

02:41:03.000 I'll be at the San Manuel Casino tomorrow.

02:41:05.000 Oh, come on, man.

02:41:06.000 That's a black show.

02:41:07.000 Is that...

02:41:08.000 Keep it together.

02:41:10.000 Where's Sam Manuel?

02:41:11.000 Keep it together.

02:41:11.000 It's fuckin' far, dawg!

02:41:13.000 Where's Sam Manuel?

02:41:14.000 You gotta leave like a 4 in the afternoon.

02:41:15.000 Is that like West Palm's?

02:41:17.000 No, you gotta go early, like 3 and shit.

02:41:19.000 That's like 7 hours.

02:41:20.000 No way.

02:41:21.000 It's where the drug mules stop to drop off their stool.

02:41:25.000 There's a special meeting room in the bathroom at that casino.

02:41:29.000 Come on, man, listen.

02:41:33.000 Been out here in Nashville for a while, and a lot of pretty girls.

02:41:36.000 Love y'all.

02:41:38.000 Ed Parker taught me some karate.

02:41:43.000 Always been a big believer in the arts.

02:41:45.000 Oh, this doesn't look that bad.

02:41:48.000 It's not, it doesn't look like that.

02:41:50.000 You know, what's important is that they show this old Indian dude.

02:41:53.000 I feel protected.

02:41:55.000 Why don't you guys show me some hot bitches that are also going to this casino?

02:41:58.000 Why are you showing me an old Indian?

02:42:00.000 Yeah, there has to be a hot bitch right here, right?

02:42:01.000 You don't have to show me a dreamcatcher.

02:42:03.000 This ain't a fucking Stephen King book, okay?

02:42:05.000 Show me some hot bitches.

02:42:07.000 I get it.

02:42:07.000 It's an Indian casino.

02:42:08.000 I got it.

02:42:10.000 I get it.

02:42:11.000 You're not advertising the correct way.

02:42:13.000 Old Indians rarely get people to go visit them.

02:42:15.000 It's a hot bitch.

02:42:16.000 Where you got?

02:42:17.000 That girl in the corner?

02:42:18.000 She's in a corner.

02:42:19.000 Fucking hysterical.

02:42:20.000 You can barely find her.

02:42:21.000 Cold Hard Cash.

02:42:23.000 Those places are interesting.

02:42:27.000 We used to go to a lot of those Indian casinos back in the day when mixed martial arts was illegal in California.

02:42:34.000 Eddie Bravo and I, we used to drive out to see the King of the Cages and shit.

02:42:38.000 We used to go out.

02:42:39.000 They were always in these...

02:42:40.000 Oh, they have it.

02:42:40.000 Look, that's funny.

02:42:41.000 Right when you said it, pulled up King of the Cages.

02:42:43.000 Perfect.

02:42:44.000 Look at that guy.

02:42:44.000 Yeah.

02:42:45.000 Well, King of the Cages is a good...

02:42:47.000 I think that's Tony Lopez.

02:42:49.000 King of the Cages is a good...

02:42:51.000 What's the date?

02:42:52.000 January 3rd.

02:42:53.000 No, that's not...

02:42:54.000 Go back to King of the Cages.

02:42:55.000 It was December 19th.

02:42:56.000 December 20th.

02:42:57.000 Wait.

02:42:58.000 Is that tomorrow?

02:42:59.000 What is that?

02:43:00.000 Did that just...

02:43:01.000 I'm gonna be there the same time as King of Cage!

02:43:03.000 Yeah!

02:43:03.000 Oh my god, you're fucked, dude.

02:43:06.000 It's Thursday.

02:43:09.000 No, no, that's Thursday.

02:43:10.000 No, Wednesday.

02:43:11.000 December 20th.

02:43:12.000 It said Wednesday.

02:43:13.000 December 19th.

02:43:15.000 December 19th.

02:43:16.000 Oh, no, that's the weigh-in.

02:43:17.000 Oh, it's weigh-in.

02:43:19.000 Oh, okay.

02:43:19.000 You lucked out there.

02:43:20.000 Oh, man.

02:43:21.000 Well, if you're going to King Cage, you want to see the comedy silence of me in a black room.

02:43:25.000 Today's the 18th.

02:43:26.000 So the weigh-in is Wednesday.

02:43:29.000 The fight is Thursday.

02:43:30.000 So when are you going to be there?

02:43:31.000 You're going to be there Wednesday?

02:43:32.000 So you're going to be there when they're grumpy.

02:43:34.000 You're going to be there when they're cutting weight and all their teams are getting amped up and staring each other down.

02:43:38.000 Going down, bitch!

02:43:40.000 Going down, bitch!

02:43:41.000 Mike Epps is going to be there.

02:43:42.000 A lot of good fighters there, though.

02:43:44.000 Mike Epps is there January 17th.

02:43:45.000 He can't help you.

02:43:46.000 He can't help me two days.

02:43:47.000 No, it's like that fucking Lil Wayne video.

02:43:50.000 You know he can't save you.

02:43:51.000 You know he can't save you?

02:43:54.000 He can't save you.

02:43:55.000 Oh, look, the Ohio players.

02:43:56.000 In the real world, he can't save you.

02:44:01.000 Brian, I wish you luck in your quest to make black people laugh.

02:44:05.000 I suggest you not do any of your racist jokes.

02:44:07.000 No, I will not do.

02:44:08.000 I only have one black joke.

02:44:09.000 It's barely racist.

02:44:10.000 It's barely racist.

02:44:11.000 I'm on your side, but I suggest you dance around that.

02:44:14.000 And start strong.

02:44:15.000 You've got to start strong.

02:44:16.000 No slurring.

02:44:17.000 No slurring.

02:44:18.000 No smoking weed before that.

02:44:19.000 No probi-joe.

02:44:20.000 Maybe a little bit of that probi-joe.

02:44:21.000 You need to get yourself a doctor.

02:44:22.000 I know.

02:44:23.000 Powerful Joe Diaz.

02:44:25.000 Thank you very much for joining us, man.

02:44:26.000 Love you, brother.

02:44:27.000 I love the fucking shit out of you.

02:44:28.000 You're the best.

02:44:29.000 You know we do it right.

02:44:30.000 And we're going to have a good goddamn time this Friday at the end of the world show.

02:44:33.000 Thank you to audible.com.

02:44:35.000 Go to audible.com forward slash Joe.

02:44:38.000 Get yourself 30 days free and one free audio book.

02:44:42.000 It's an amazing service.

02:44:46.000 I almost said surface.

02:44:47.000 Then I realized what I was saying as I was saying it.

02:44:50.000 It's an amazing service.

02:44:52.000 I use it.

02:44:53.000 I've used it for a while and the book I'm reading from it right now is called Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan who will be on the podcast soon.

02:45:01.000 We're going back and forth.

02:45:02.000 About this right now.

02:45:03.000 But I got a lot of people booked already, bitches.

02:45:06.000 Shit is blowing up.

02:45:07.000 I'm hooking you up with some fresh guests.

02:45:10.000 Talk to Tom Green.

02:45:11.000 He wants to come back on.

02:45:12.000 Powerful Tom Green.

02:45:13.000 I want Tom Green on.

02:45:15.000 I was really impressed with Tom Green's special.

02:45:18.000 I watched four comedy specials in a row, which I don't usually do.

02:45:22.000 Tom Green was the one that made me laugh.

02:45:23.000 I thought that was really awesome.

02:45:25.000 Tom Green has only been doing stand-up for five years, I think.

02:45:28.000 He hasn't really been doing it that long.

02:45:29.000 We had him on the podcast last night.

02:45:32.000 He was saying that he sold his whole entire studio.

02:45:35.000 He had a TV studio in his house.

02:45:37.000 He sold the whole thing and just got rid of all his stuff.

02:45:40.000 That's not there in his house anymore.

02:45:42.000 He's now just thinking about coming back and doing a podcast now again.

02:45:46.000 But he's just been focused on comedy.

02:45:48.000 Yeah, well, you can tell.

02:45:50.000 You can tell.

02:45:50.000 If you see his last special, it was really good.

02:45:52.000 I think he did it from Australia.

02:45:54.000 I want to say he did it from Australia.

02:45:55.000 I might not be right about that, though.

02:45:57.000 But whatever it was, it was really good.

02:45:59.000 I mean, Tom's a great guy.

02:46:01.000 I would love to have him on.

02:46:03.000 So that's it.

02:46:04.000 Doug Stanhope will be joining us, you dirty bitches, on Saturday.

02:46:08.000 That's...

02:46:09.000 Depending on whether or not Saturday actually exists.

02:46:13.000 But we got a lot of cool guests coming up, including Steve Volk, the author of Fringeology.

02:46:23.000 Steve Ranello is going to be on in January.

02:46:26.000 We're going to get to talk about my hunting trip with him.

02:46:29.000 Successful.

02:46:29.000 That's right.

02:46:30.000 Brody, enjoy it!

02:46:33.000 Successful hunter!

02:46:35.000 Got meat!

02:46:38.000 Positive energy!

02:46:39.000 Go see Brody Stevens anytime you can, and when you see him, give him a fucking hug for all of us, because we love the shit out of him.

02:46:45.000 We've got to get Brian Holtzman on this podcast, too.

02:46:47.000 Can you make contact with him, Brian?

02:46:49.000 I haven't seen him in a while.

02:46:50.000 We're going to find him, folks.

02:46:52.000 We're going to bring him to you.

02:46:53.000 All right, follow MadFlavor on Twitter.

02:46:55.000 That is Joey Diaz's handle.

02:46:56.000 I know it's not Joey Diaz.

02:46:58.000 I know it's confusing, but if you put in Joey Diaz in the search engine, MadFlavor's the first one that shows up.

02:47:04.000 You can do it, you fucks.

02:47:05.000 Keep it together.

02:47:07.000 Thank you to Onnit.com.

02:47:08.000 Use the code name ROGAT. That's O-N-N-I-T.com.

02:47:12.000 Use the code name ROGAT and save yourself.

02:47:13.000 Have you seen this show yet?

02:47:15.000 The Tim Ferriss' new show?

02:47:16.000 Oh, Tim Ferriss was on Meat Eater as well.

02:47:18.000 Yeah, he's a meat eater.

02:47:19.000 And look, he's on there wearing a Desquad shirt.

02:47:21.000 Oh, that's awesome!

02:47:23.000 He went on the Meat Eater wearing a Desquad shirt!

02:47:25.000 That is the shit!

02:47:27.000 What a cool guy Tim Ferriss is.

02:47:30.000 I love that guy.

02:47:31.000 Check out the Sportsman channel.

02:47:34.000 Him, if I could get him, Cara Maria, and Dave Asprey in the room all at one time, I really think that I could be smarter.

02:47:42.000 I will rise.

02:47:43.000 And Dennis McKenna, all of them together, talking together, I will absorb their energy and become smarter.

02:47:49.000 Tim Ferriss is cool as fuck.

02:47:50.000 Thank you, Tim.

02:47:51.000 Yeah, thanks, Tim.

02:47:51.000 Yeah, and we'll have him on again, fucking for sure, without a doubt.

02:47:55.000 Alright, folks, this is the last episode in the 300-episode series.

02:48:01.000 Thanks for playing along, yeah.

02:48:02.000 Yeah, 300th episode.

02:48:04.000 Syndication!

02:48:05.000 Bitches.

02:48:05.000 Yeah, we hit syndication.

02:48:07.000 We're, you know, listen.

02:48:08.000 We're too busy for this.

02:48:10.000 We didn't start this thing off thinking it would ever become what it is now.

02:48:13.000 We, you know, we just started it off for a goof.

02:48:15.000 And three years later, here we are.

02:48:17.000 And we've had a great fucking time.

02:48:19.000 We appreciate all you people that say nice things about it, that enjoy it, and say that it enhances your life.

02:48:24.000 And it enhances ours, too.

02:48:26.000 We would never get to have, even though we have cool friends like Joey Diaz and, you know, Doug Stanhope and all these people...

02:48:33.000 It's really hard to get all these people to sit down and talk with you for three hours at a time like this unless you're broadcasting it.

02:48:39.000 Just the fact that it's going out to all you actually benefits us just as much as it benefits you.

02:48:44.000 We're all in this together, you fucks.

02:48:46.000 Keep it together and we'll see you on Saturday or we'll see you Friday at the end of the World Show.

02:48:52.000 We'll see you Thursday.

02:48:52.000 Oh, we'll see you Thursday at the Improv.

02:48:54.000 Oh, we might see you tonight.

02:48:55.000 I don't know what the fuck you're doing.

02:48:56.000 I might run into you out there out in the wild.

02:49:05.000 For reasons I can't fully explain myself.

The Joe Rogan Experience - December 18, 2012

Joe Rogan Experience #300 - Joey Diaz

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