The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #301

00:00:04.000 The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by Audible.com.

00:00:08.000 This episode is at least once a month, Audible.

00:00:11.000 Sometimes twice is a sponsor of this podcast.

00:00:14.000 What is Audible?

00:00:15.000 Audible.com is a fantastic resource for audiobooks.

00:00:20.000 If you go to Audible.com forward slash Joe, that's Audible.com forward slash Joe.

00:00:25.000 You can try Audible free for 30 days and get a free audiobook.

00:00:30.000 And one of the cool things that Audible has if you're a junkie, if you're into technology like I am, I'm a tech junkie, they have a thing called WhisperSync.

00:00:40.000 It works with the Amazon Kindle Fire, and what it does is it's really badass.

00:00:46.000 Say if you're reading books on the Kindle, and you read a certain page and you go to sleep, you bookmark it, and then when you get in your car, an audio version of that same book plays.

00:00:58.000 Really cool shit.

00:01:00.000 So if you do a lot of traveling, if you're stuck commuting, whatever, audible.com is an awesome resource, and they're a cool sponsor.

00:01:07.000 It's an excellent company, and you've got some great books.

00:01:10.000 The one I'm listening slash reading to, I'm doing both, is Christopher Ryan's Sex at Dawn.

00:01:16.000 We're working on getting him here.

00:01:18.000 He's going to be in here in January.

00:01:20.000 Fascinating dude who wrote a book about primates and sex.

00:01:23.000 Very interesting, fascinating shit.

00:01:26.000 Speaking of primates and sex, our other sponsor is Onnit.com.

00:01:29.000 That's O-N-N-I-T. What does that have to do with primates and sex?

00:01:32.000 You're a primate, and Onnit.com will help your sex.

00:01:35.000 I've been using a lot of Onnit products lately.

00:01:37.000 Onnit.com is going to start selling boner pills.

00:01:39.000 Are they really?

00:01:40.000 Well, we're going to start selling some sort of a testosterone booster.

00:01:43.000 There's certain things that actually work for natural testosterone boosting.

00:01:47.000 I've been testing all the ones that you can buy at the convenience stores lately, and my new favorite one is the Super Sex Pack or something like that.

00:01:56.000 It comes with one Magnum condom and a pill for men and a pill for women, though.

00:02:00.000 I've never seen a woman pill, so I took it, and the woman took it, and she said it worked.

00:02:07.000 What would that be that would have women?

00:02:09.000 Well, that was an episode of Sex and the City, wasn't it?

00:02:12.000 Like, they were taking Viagra?

00:02:14.000 Oh, the girls were taking Viagra?

00:02:16.000 Yeah, I think Viagra works on chicks, too.

00:02:17.000 Doesn't it?

00:02:18.000 They say so.

00:02:19.000 Oh, wow.

00:02:19.000 They say.

00:02:20.000 Check it out, though.

00:02:21.000 It's great.

00:02:21.000 It's only $7, and you get two pills and a...

00:02:23.000 It's Viagra.

00:02:24.000 The crazy thing is, it's Viagra.

00:02:26.000 For seven bucks, you could get Viagra.

00:02:28.000 You could get the condom.

00:02:29.000 You know, it's the weird loopholes that you're buying in as a sex pack at a...

00:02:34.000 At a drugstore.

00:02:34.000 I just use oysters.

00:02:36.000 Does that work?

00:02:37.000 Zinc?

00:02:37.000 Oh no, I just get a bucket of them and stick my dick.

00:02:42.000 How does your dick get in the bucket correctly?

00:02:44.000 I don't know.

00:02:45.000 It's so fat, it's a perfect fit.

00:02:47.000 Wow, imagine?

00:02:48.000 Bucket dick.

00:02:49.000 Bucket full of oysters.

00:02:51.000 The only way to get your nut off.

00:02:52.000 Sandwich bag.

00:02:54.000 The latest products at Onnit.com, we have those Blendtec blenders you can use to make Kale smoothies.

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00:03:04.000 All kinds of good shit.

00:03:05.000 These buffalo jerky bars.

00:03:07.000 We're basically just trying to sell you the best shit available.

00:03:10.000 The best shit for health and fitness.

00:03:12.000 All things that Doug Stanhope doesn't give a fuck about.

00:03:15.000 That's all we sell.

00:03:17.000 Including kettlebells and battle ropes.

00:03:20.000 If you use the code name Rogan you can save 10% off any and all supplements.

00:03:25.000 Alright Brian.

00:03:26.000 Cut to the bullshit.

00:03:27.000 Let's get a nice quick commercial in today.

00:03:30.000 What was that?

00:03:31.000 What are you preparing for?

00:03:32.000 I was getting a blade slinger.

00:03:37.000 Oh, there you go.

00:03:39.000 Maybe?

00:03:40.000 Alright, this thing isn't working.

00:03:41.000 You wanna sing the song?

00:03:43.000 It doesn't work?

00:03:45.000 What's wrong with it?

00:03:45.000 I don't know.

00:03:47.000 Is the computer frozen?

00:03:49.000 No, the sound's just not coming out for some reason.

00:03:52.000 Oh, but we've got to fix that because I want to play Bill Burr's Chuck Berry, John Lennon thing.

00:03:58.000 It's one of the funniest fucking things I've ever heard.

00:04:01.000 Cool.

00:04:02.000 Do we have to restart the computer?

00:04:04.000 No.

00:04:04.000 I think we just have to figure out why this isn't.

00:04:07.000 We have a new setup here.

00:04:09.000 Oh, look at that.

00:04:11.000 That's why there's two monkeys behind the boards now.

00:04:15.000 Joe Rogan Podcast.

00:04:16.000 Check it out.

00:04:17.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:04:23.000 We're here, bitches.

00:04:25.000 We're here, alright?

00:04:27.000 Fuck the end of the world.

00:04:28.000 The shit did not materialize.

00:04:30.000 The Mayans are a bust.

00:04:32.000 They will go down in history like the Y2K cocksuckers, that May 11th guy, all these assholes that called the end.

00:04:40.000 Nope.

00:04:40.000 Sorry.

00:04:41.000 You gotta continue suffering, stupid.

00:04:44.000 Continue being confused.

00:04:45.000 Continue living your life with no answers.

00:04:48.000 That is the answer.

00:04:49.000 The answer is there's no fucking answer.

00:04:51.000 You're supposed to be terrified.

00:04:52.000 Yeah, Red Band, when you're back in your seat, search wiki deaths 2012. See who died on...

00:05:01.000 12, 21, 12. For them it was, oh shit, this is right.

00:05:06.000 Yeah, for them.

00:05:07.000 My chest is seizing up.

00:05:09.000 Maybe we were one of those in a parallel continuum.

00:05:11.000 And in this life, we somehow or another got through.

00:05:14.000 And that's the path we followed.

00:05:15.000 But maybe in another life, we all did.

00:05:18.000 Maybe it's true.

00:05:19.000 Maybe it is.

00:05:20.000 Maybe the end of the world did happen.

00:05:22.000 But we can't remember it.

00:05:23.000 Because we didn't really truly experience it because we moved on to the next...

00:05:26.000 And now we don't have to pay our taxes.

00:05:29.000 That would be the shit, huh?

00:05:30.000 If you woke up one day and all of a sudden the whole tax system and the whole monetary system made sense.

00:05:35.000 It's like it had been fixed.

00:05:37.000 Oh, it's all fixed now.

00:05:38.000 Oh, okay.

00:05:40.000 Wouldn't that be beautiful?

00:05:41.000 Be nice.

00:05:42.000 You think with all these smart motherfuckers we have running this world that that would be possible?

00:05:45.000 If you let the right people control it.

00:05:48.000 You know?

00:05:48.000 Is that possible?

00:05:50.000 Sorry, please hold.

00:05:50.000 What are you doing?

00:05:51.000 Getting out cash?

00:05:52.000 Yeah, I gotta pay that guy.

00:05:53.000 I shouldn't say that guy.

00:05:55.000 He's coming back.

00:05:56.000 Oh, don't worry about it.

00:05:58.000 We got that.

00:05:58.000 Don't worry.

00:05:59.000 We got that.

00:05:59.000 Dude, we got a company stack of cash.

00:06:02.000 Don't worry about it.

00:06:03.000 What are you doing, you son of a bitch?

00:06:04.000 Well, you're so rich you probably forget that 10 bucks that guy's had a shitload of money.

00:06:10.000 Tell him I don't.

00:06:12.000 He's a gambling addict and he just ran over here with cigarettes for me so he can play more scratch tickets.

00:06:17.000 He's hoping you notice.

00:06:20.000 And Stan Hope.

00:06:22.000 Good morning!

00:06:23.000 That's how you always look at it.

00:06:25.000 Last night was awesome.

00:06:26.000 That was one of the most fun times I've ever had as a comedian.

00:06:29.000 Yeah, I just wish we fucked around with it a little more.

00:06:32.000 Yeah?

00:06:33.000 Yeah.

00:06:33.000 Like, what way?

00:06:34.000 I don't know.

00:06:34.000 Like, something goofy.

00:06:35.000 Like, we're all together.

00:06:36.000 We should be doing something goofy at the end.

00:06:38.000 Like, the fucking blue collar guys.

00:06:40.000 You know, sit around and tell stories.

00:06:42.000 Like, something that makes it more than just, alright, here's three guys in a row.

00:06:47.000 Christmas song.

00:06:47.000 I didn't...

00:06:48.000 But we stood around and took pictures with everybody for hours.

00:06:51.000 You were out there forever.

00:06:53.000 I purposely didn't stand near you because I didn't want to create that, no, just you, situation.

00:06:59.000 Oh, yeah, that's ugly.

00:07:01.000 Yeah.

00:07:01.000 So I just worked the lobby.

00:07:03.000 You Hefner'd it.

00:07:05.000 Well, that's how it usually is.

00:07:06.000 We usually have little packets of people.

00:07:08.000 Brian will have his little packet of people taking pictures, and Joey will have his.

00:07:11.000 But Joey will inevitably disappear.

00:07:14.000 I'll be right back.

00:07:15.000 I'll be right back, dawg.

00:07:18.000 Vanish.

00:07:19.000 And he's always got some story.

00:07:20.000 I thought you were going to meet me in the garage.

00:07:25.000 Bitch, you were on the fucking highway.

00:07:29.000 Joey's the best vanisher ever.

00:07:31.000 Because he'd just have this look in his eyes.

00:07:33.000 He goes, okay, it's over.

00:07:34.000 Hedberg was the best.

00:07:35.000 He would disappear from a closed room.

00:07:39.000 A sealed room.

00:07:40.000 And somehow Hedberg's gone.

00:07:41.000 I remember we were in St. Cloud once.

00:07:44.000 We...

00:07:45.000 Did a one-nighter and then we went to the bar.

00:07:47.000 We go to the 24-hour restaurant.

00:07:49.000 I go, you get a booth.

00:07:51.000 It's like 2 in the morning.

00:07:52.000 And I said, you get a booth and I'm just going to use a pay phone.

00:07:56.000 This is how long ago it was.

00:07:57.000 And I call this girl that I had met.

00:08:00.000 And he goes, okay.

00:08:01.000 And he goes in.

00:08:02.000 I look all over the restaurant.

00:08:04.000 I go, assume he's in the men's room.

00:08:06.000 I get a menu.

00:08:07.000 I'm sitting there waiting.

00:08:09.000 He had left because he thought, oh, you said you were calling a girl, man.

00:08:12.000 I don't want to be a third wheel.

00:08:15.000 Well, you could have said so.

00:08:16.000 I was sitting around in a fucking restaurant for an hour waiting.

00:08:19.000 Well, he was probably just psyched.

00:08:21.000 It was like a perfect opportunity to go do Smack.

00:08:23.000 No, this is the pre-Smack Day.

00:08:25.000 Oh, really?

00:08:26.000 If we're doing a one-nighter in St. Cloud together.

00:08:28.000 When did the Smack Day start?

00:08:31.000 The first time you ever mentioned it to me was, you knew by his act.

00:08:37.000 He'd have his jokes and then the asides.

00:08:40.000 So he goes, you ever have something that's good but then you do something better and it ruins a good thing?

00:08:46.000 Like you like to smoke pot and then someone sprinkles some heroin in your pot and regular pot's no good anymore?

00:08:53.000 So I knew he didn't just write that.

00:08:58.000 See, that's why I want smoked pot with strangers.

00:09:00.000 Some creepy asshole sprinkle some heroin in it because you think he's being goofy.

00:09:03.000 And then, boom.

00:09:05.000 Do-do [...]-do.

00:09:09.000 Have you ever had anything like addiction?

00:09:13.000 No.

00:09:15.000 No.

00:09:15.000 Definitely, I've never even touched anything that I heard was addictive.

00:09:20.000 I mean, alcohol's addictive, but it seems to be addictive for certain people only.

00:09:24.000 You know, for me, it's not at all.

00:09:26.000 But I've seen people that, you know, one drink and they're gone.

00:09:29.000 They just, the switch goes off and they're fucked.

00:09:31.000 But that seems to be very, very variable.

00:09:34.000 But, like...

00:09:35.000 Heroin, never thought about it.

00:09:37.000 Coke, never thought about anything.

00:09:39.000 Amphetamines, all that shit never appealed to me.

00:09:41.000 But, I mean, anything where you go, ah, shit, I couldn't live without it.

00:09:45.000 Like, sugar?

00:09:46.000 No.

00:09:47.000 No.

00:09:48.000 I mean, staples of life, water and food.

00:09:50.000 Other than that, I could live without almost everything, you know?

00:09:55.000 Yeah.

00:09:55.000 Yeah, I mean, I think that's a weird connection that people have to certain things, whether it's sugar or coffee or cigarettes or...

00:10:02.000 There's these weird connections that people have.

00:10:04.000 They seek normalcy in repetitive things and reoccurring themes in their life, and they just get connected to it.

00:10:12.000 There's people that'll lose their fucking mind if a bar they go to closes down.

00:10:16.000 They'll lose their fucking mind like it's the end of the world.

00:10:19.000 They don't know what the fuck to do.

00:10:20.000 The bar's going under.

00:10:21.000 If I still lived here, I'd be like that about the coaching horses.

00:10:25.000 It was so sad.

00:10:27.000 Classic.

00:10:27.000 That place is fucking classic.

00:10:29.000 That place was in a vortex, too.

00:10:31.000 That's the place where Cowan was out in the front of the Coaching Horses and he ran into an ex-girlfriend that he had who had turned into a streetwalker.

00:10:40.000 Wow!

00:10:40.000 Yeah.

00:10:41.000 That was deep.

00:10:43.000 That was fucking deep.

00:10:45.000 I had that happen, uh, oh god, what was his name?

00:10:48.000 It was Josh something.

00:10:49.000 He was a comic.

00:10:50.000 and he was playing Vegas and it's like 5 or 6 in the morning now and there's a hooker at the bar And she says, do you want me to go up to your room and dance?

00:11:00.000 And he says, well, what are you going to do?

00:11:03.000 I mean, are you going to dance?

00:11:04.000 I'm not paying you that much money to dance.

00:11:07.000 And she goes, well, are you a cop?

00:11:10.000 And he goes, no, I'm a comic.

00:11:11.000 She goes, really?

00:11:12.000 Do you know Doug Stanhope?

00:11:13.000 It was a girl, an old friend of mine's ex-wife, who I ended up banging after they broke up once.

00:11:22.000 It was horrible, and now she's a hooker.

00:11:25.000 Wow.

00:11:26.000 I was reading a story about a woman who was an Olympian.

00:11:29.000 She was a two-time Olympian, I think, for track and field.

00:11:32.000 Yeah.

00:11:33.000 And she was 40 years old and she just decided to become a hooker.

00:11:36.000 Susie Favor Hamilton.

00:11:38.000 Is that her name?

00:11:38.000 Yeah, that's her name.

00:11:39.000 She's a gold medal.

00:11:42.000 I guess she was a big deal in the 2000 Olympics and now she's...

00:11:46.000 She's a hooker.

00:11:46.000 She was a hooker.

00:11:47.000 She was, yeah.

00:11:48.000 Apparently, I think they're trying to say that it's antidepressants that turned her into a hooker.

00:11:52.000 She blamed depression.

00:11:54.000 I don't know if she blamed the actual medication.

00:11:57.000 I think she was saying that people were blaming Zoloft.

00:12:03.000 See?

00:12:04.000 O-F-L-O-T. You ever hear that song from Ween, Zoloft, the song?

00:12:09.000 No.

00:12:09.000 It sounds like you're on Zoloft when you're listening to it.

00:12:12.000 What does Zoloft feel like?

00:12:13.000 It's like very dreamy and nephoric, I think, if I remember.

00:12:17.000 Really?

00:12:17.000 Yeah.

00:12:18.000 Well, I mean, if you put it up your butt.

00:12:19.000 Well, isn't that the thing about it is it's supposed to get, it's supposed to, like, relieve you of any of the worries of life?

00:12:27.000 Like, it takes all that shit away?

00:12:29.000 Yeah.

00:12:29.000 I got really anxious.

00:12:30.000 I wasn't prescribed it, but my dad was.

00:12:34.000 And when he died, I started taking him, and I just got vague anxiety.

00:12:40.000 It gives you an anxiety.

00:12:42.000 If you don't need a medication, you don't know what it...

00:12:46.000 Yeah, she took Zoloft, and once she started taking Zoloft, that allowed her to pursue...

00:12:52.000 So Zoloft is the new Spanish fly!

00:12:56.000 Well, you know, that was the thing with McAfee in Belize.

00:13:00.000 What he was supposedly doing, he claims that it was all a ruse, and that it was all like, he's a prankster, and he wasn't really cooking up bath salts, and he didn't really have a forum name, even though he had a forum name, it wasn't even his name.

00:13:13.000 It was like, I forget the...

00:13:16.000 Stuffmonger, something like that was the forum name.

00:13:18.000 So it wasn't like he was John McAfee reporting a lie from Belize.

00:13:23.000 He was just some dude.

00:13:24.000 Wrote incredibly detailed articles on extractions of MDPV, which apparently...

00:13:32.000 Makes people super-duper sexual.

00:13:34.000 I read some stuff after I talked to you.

00:13:36.000 I haven't listened to the podcast with him yet, but I read a couple of articles talking about him.

00:13:41.000 Did you get those?

00:13:42.000 I sent you links, right?

00:13:43.000 Did I send you links?

00:13:44.000 Yeah, you sent me links, but I haven't had time yet.

00:13:46.000 It's ridiculous.

00:13:47.000 I mean, it's really a hilarious, hilarious story.

00:13:49.000 But this MDPV apparently just makes you want to scratch your dick off.

00:13:53.000 It makes you just completely like...

00:13:56.000 Just a little, just a crazed, rabid fuck monkey.

00:13:59.000 Apparently it's just, it's a constant thing while you're on it.

00:14:01.000 Even if you're not horny anymore, you're like rubbing your dick raw.

00:14:05.000 Like, I don't get it.

00:14:06.000 Well, yeah, no, I've done that with a lot of, uh...

00:14:08.000 A lot of drugs that do that to you?

00:14:09.000 Stimulants, yeah.

00:14:10.000 Yeah, I've heard that.

00:14:11.000 I've heard, like, with some people, like, smoke and crack.

00:14:13.000 Like, my friend Johnny, who had a crack problem, used to say, I just like to smoke crack and go beat off.

00:14:18.000 This was back in the day when they had peep shows.

00:14:21.000 Like, he would go to, uh, this was like Times Square, like, when it was really Times Square.

00:14:25.000 And he would go down to the peat booths when he was smoking crack.

00:14:28.000 And he would just stay in one of those things and keep putting dollars, feeding dollars in the thing, and smoking crack.

00:14:33.000 And he would beat off, and the girl would finger herself in front of him and shit.

00:14:38.000 I used to do that all the time in my youth.

00:14:41.000 It's very dark.

00:14:42.000 Not the crack smoking, but yeah, go to smud shops and jerk off.

00:14:46.000 The one Sex World in Minneapolis would have the live girls in the booth and you'd go in there.

00:14:51.000 What do you do to them?

00:14:52.000 You ask them to do stuff for you?

00:14:53.000 They're sitting there on a bed of dildos and they'll do whatever you like.

00:14:59.000 I went to the Lusty Lady in Seattle once with Dave Fulton.

00:15:02.000 We did a gig and we went to just goofing off.

00:15:06.000 Alright, let's go in here and goof off and then I'll sneak into a booth and jerk off.

00:15:10.000 And we ran into James Inman.

00:15:12.000 Just randomly.

00:15:13.000 Hey, Inman!

00:15:14.000 That's funny.

00:15:16.000 He's not from Minneapolis, right?

00:15:17.000 Where's he from?

00:15:18.000 Is he Kansas City?

00:15:20.000 That was Seattle.

00:15:21.000 But he's back in Kansas City now.

00:15:24.000 He's a fucking insane person.

00:15:25.000 Kansas City's a fun town.

00:15:27.000 I haven't been in that place in a long time.

00:15:28.000 I've got to get back there.

00:15:29.000 That's a fun place.

00:15:30.000 Yeah, I had a lot of fun there.

00:15:33.000 I think that's where I get herpes.

00:15:35.000 I'm pretty sure.

00:15:37.000 There's some weird chick that look like Uma Thurman.

00:15:40.000 Yeah, those are going to give you herpes.

00:15:43.000 Extra long toes, you freak bitch.

00:15:46.000 Just doing with your extra long toes and your herpes.

00:15:48.000 Extra long toes.

00:15:50.000 Yeah, people from Kansas City is like a humble town.

00:15:54.000 They can't really brag too much.

00:15:56.000 It's Kansas City.

00:15:56.000 It's not New York.

00:15:57.000 It's not Chicago.

00:15:58.000 There's no debate anymore.

00:16:00.000 It's just Kansas City.

00:16:00.000 It's all good.

00:16:01.000 You can kind of judge a town by their sports fans.

00:16:07.000 Yeah, they have shitty teams, but they still support them.

00:16:11.000 Like Chicago and the Bears, right?

00:16:12.000 Or Chicago and the White Sox for the longest time.

00:16:15.000 Yeah, but they've had some winning teams.

00:16:17.000 They're kind of dicks.

00:16:18.000 But Green Bay, for years of futility, but that stadium was sold out every time and they're the happiest, nicest people.

00:16:26.000 You're not going to get a lot of stories out of Green Bay.

00:16:28.000 You're not going to get herpes in Green Bay.

00:16:30.000 Yeah, isn't that a funny thing about the Midwest?

00:16:32.000 Like how fucking nice a lot of the people are there?

00:16:34.000 I mean, obviously it's a generalization, but I think the overall tone of the people just seems to be really fucking nice.

00:16:40.000 Yeah, Minnesota, Wisconsin.

00:16:42.000 You're going to get your douchebags everywhere.

00:16:44.000 People will tell you about somewhere being nice.

00:16:47.000 Like, I went there and some guy punched me in the fucking face and...

00:16:51.000 Look, that can happen anyway.

00:16:53.000 Yeah, it's probably you.

00:16:53.000 Could be you, and that shit can happen anywhere.

00:16:56.000 You can always run into random people.

00:16:58.000 You can't judge a town based on one or two incidences that you have.

00:17:01.000 But your overall sense, like when you're in places like Wisconsin, they're fucking nice as shit, man.

00:17:07.000 They're super nice.

00:17:09.000 Everywhere you go, people are really reasonable, down-to-earth, easy to talk to.

00:17:15.000 Yeah, it's better.

00:17:16.000 It's better than being in New York and being all fucking pleased with yourself.

00:17:19.000 Yeah.

00:17:19.000 You know, I'm a New Yorker.

00:17:20.000 I'm a New Yorker, you know?

00:17:21.000 Nothing fazes me.

00:17:23.000 I'm a New Yorker.

00:17:23.000 That is one of the grossest statements ever.

00:17:26.000 That I'm a New Yorker, I've seen it all, I'm a New Yorker, nothing fazes me.

00:17:31.000 Shut it.

00:17:32.000 Yeah, Hurricane Sandy, there was a lot of schadenfreude in that.

00:17:36.000 I haven't had power for two weeks!

00:17:39.000 This is New York!

00:17:40.000 It's the greatest city in the world!

00:17:42.000 We should have power!

00:17:45.000 No.

00:17:45.000 It doesn't work that way, stupid.

00:17:47.000 It's just another fucking city.

00:17:49.000 It just so happens that it's a really famous one.

00:17:52.000 But all the rules of cities apply.

00:17:54.000 And when cities get fucking drowned in water, it takes a long time to turn shit back on and dry everything off.

00:18:00.000 Crazy fucks.

00:18:01.000 That place is going to go.

00:18:03.000 If that happens again and again and again, which it very well could...

00:18:07.000 We had this guy who was talking about climate change.

00:18:10.000 Was it Shane Smith that was telling us this?

00:18:12.000 I think it was Shane Smith, because he's usually pretty doom and gloom.

00:18:16.000 In my backpack, can you get me a stir in the front pack?

00:18:20.000 He was telling us that these 100-year storms, like Sandy, they're going to happen three times a year.

00:18:26.000 That's the reality of climate change.

00:18:28.000 Three times a year, you're going to have Hurricane Sandys.

00:18:31.000 Fuck the East Coast.

00:18:33.000 I'm in the desert, baby.

00:18:35.000 You're in a good spot.

00:18:37.000 You'll probably be tropical in the next hundred years.

00:18:40.000 You'll probably be in a fucking rainforest.

00:18:42.000 Yeah, when I'm 145, I don't think that day is coming.

00:18:46.000 It's going to be really hot.

00:18:47.000 You never know, man.

00:18:47.000 They might find some plant in the Amazon that keeps you alive forever.

00:18:50.000 And then, next thing you know, global warming, overpopulation.

00:18:53.000 Bisbee is the shit.

00:18:55.000 That's the move.

00:18:56.000 How often do you take jaunts into Mexico?

00:18:59.000 Almost never, no.

00:19:01.000 But it's seven miles away, right?

00:19:03.000 Yeah, but the town on the other side is like nothing there.

00:19:06.000 The only reason you ever go over to that town is to get prescription drugs.

00:19:10.000 And they don't have a...

00:19:10.000 They have Xanax.

00:19:12.000 That's it?

00:19:13.000 Yeah, if I needed Xanax or Viagra, that would be the reason I went to...

00:19:17.000 And I have a script for it now, so...

00:19:18.000 Now, when you do that and you go over there and you get it, how hard is it to bring it back?

00:19:23.000 You can bring up to...

00:19:24.000 They'll allow you to bring up to 30 pills...

00:19:30.000 Really?

00:19:30.000 And sometimes they'll give you shit.

00:19:31.000 Like, you know you need a prescription for this, and you go, oh, I have one.

00:19:35.000 And one time I brought my prescription bottle, which had expired, and I go, yeah, I get it right here.

00:19:40.000 And he goes, this is expired.

00:19:41.000 You know you have, but I know their policy is 30 pills of any type of pill.

00:19:45.000 You can buy five different types of pills, but as long as there's no more than 30, they'll let you go.

00:19:52.000 So the guy's trying to give me attitude, but I know that...

00:19:54.000 I go, so are you saying I can't take these across?

00:19:57.000 I didn't say that!

00:20:00.000 But normally you don't have any problems, but I have a prescription now and I don't take them often enough that I have to go get the fake refill across the border.

00:20:10.000 Yeah, the unnecessary asshole security slash cop guy, that is a really unfortunate aspect of our society.

00:20:17.000 The unnecessary asshole.

00:20:18.000 When you're just like, we could just talk.

00:20:20.000 Everything could be fine.

00:20:21.000 You know, you could just tell me what I can and can't do by the rules.

00:20:25.000 Well, that's the society we live in.

00:20:27.000 Look at, like, Kitchen Nightmares or Bar Rescue.

00:20:31.000 Yeah.

00:20:32.000 Okay, if you want to help the guy fix his restaurant or bar, you could just do it normally, but no one's going to watch.

00:20:38.000 So you have to be a fucking dildo.

00:20:40.000 You've got to be Radom.

00:20:41.000 You have to be Gordon Ramsay, Simon Cowell, asshole.

00:20:45.000 Yeah.

00:20:46.000 Just to get people to watch, because otherwise, who'd care?

00:20:49.000 Yeah, isn't that funny?

00:20:50.000 What a weird aspect of society.

00:20:52.000 The douchebag that thinks he's allowed to be a douchebag because he's being real or it's a part of the job or fucking toughen up or this is America.

00:21:03.000 We have to keep you safe.

00:21:05.000 I need to know what you're bringing across.

00:21:07.000 We have rules.

00:21:09.000 Those Xanax could kill babies.

00:21:11.000 If a baby ate all of those Xanax.

00:21:16.000 Fucking Officer Cunty McFuckface.

00:21:20.000 Douchebags!

00:21:21.000 But not all of them.

00:21:22.000 That's the problem.

00:21:23.000 Some of them are cool.

00:21:24.000 Is the clanking of my ice just in my head?

00:21:26.000 No, it's beautiful.

00:21:27.000 Sounds beautiful.

00:21:29.000 Sounds romantic.

00:21:30.000 It's no carrot.

00:21:31.000 Let's you know.

00:21:32.000 Yeah, Brian had a podcast.

00:21:34.000 Some chick insisted on eating carrots.

00:21:35.000 Eliza Schlesinger.

00:21:37.000 Oh, nothing makes me more enraged than mouse sounds.

00:21:41.000 While she had a little dog with her.

00:21:43.000 A little dog in her lap eating carrots.

00:21:45.000 Like, okay, bitch.

00:21:46.000 Somebody needs to fuck you proper.

00:21:49.000 Set you straight.

00:21:51.000 Not that I really believe that.

00:21:55.000 Man, I think last night's buzz is hitting back in now.

00:21:59.000 I feel pretty fucked up right now.

00:22:01.000 I bet.

00:22:01.000 Last night was fun, man.

00:22:02.000 That whole show, first of all, it was an interesting twist.

00:22:07.000 Having Honey Honey, having a band open for us, it made the whole thing feel like a totally different Yeah.

00:22:15.000 So that worked well?

00:22:16.000 I know most times when you mix music with comedy, it always seems to be annoying.

00:22:21.000 Yeah, but you know something that we were talking about last night?

00:22:26.000 Me and Eddie were...

00:22:27.000 Some shows and some crowds That might be the case.

00:22:32.000 You might not mix to have music with Kani.

00:22:34.000 I've traveled with a couple of guys.

00:22:37.000 Mishka Shabali, who I fucking love, and he's a solo at Guitar, and a lot of songs have fit my crowd.

00:22:42.000 Drinking, you know, hardcore...

00:22:46.000 Yeah, like Bukowski-esque songs.

00:22:48.000 Right, right.

00:22:49.000 And the Matoid, who's just this weird guy from Finland that was really crazy, but it didn't work touring.

00:22:56.000 Like, all right, one night, last night was perfect because it was a hyped show.

00:23:00.000 Everyone's there.

00:23:01.000 They know what's going on.

00:23:02.000 They know that it's going to be music and comedy.

00:23:04.000 But when we were touring, you'd show up in whatever fuckville, Tennessee, and they're like, that guy's not funny.

00:23:12.000 He's not supposed to be funny.

00:23:14.000 It's music.

00:23:15.000 Yeah, some people.

00:23:17.000 It hasn't been promoted enough that you know what to expect.

00:23:22.000 Yeah, as long as it's good.

00:23:23.000 I mean, some people are just so fucking tight-minded.

00:23:26.000 They're so closed-minded when it comes to what they want to see and what they don't want to see.

00:23:30.000 But it's what they're trained to expect.

00:23:32.000 Exactly.

00:23:33.000 So when Mishka would have songs that are vaguely funny, then they think he's supposed to be Henry Phillips, and they're like, well, he's not supposed to.

00:23:42.000 If he happens to be funny in the song, that's part of it.

00:23:45.000 But it's not his job.

00:23:48.000 But you're the only one you trust to go out and tell the audience.

00:23:51.000 And as the headliner, you can't open up and go, okay, I'm going to open the show and then close the show later on, but I have to explain to you fucking nitwits what's about to happen.

00:24:01.000 Yeah.

00:24:01.000 Well, the crowds that we attract, though, that doesn't seem to be a problem at all.

00:24:06.000 Last night, obviously, was a hype show, and it was sort of a big event.

00:24:09.000 So I don't know if it's indicative of how to work every time, but it would seem to be so smooth.

00:24:14.000 Yeah, a theater show is different than the shit I was doing, where you're playing some goofy rock and roll bars out of a van.

00:24:22.000 Yeah, there's good things and bad things about theater shows.

00:24:25.000 It's really interesting.

00:24:26.000 We did a show Thursday night at the Improv.

00:24:29.000 And these people came up to me and they said this is the first time they had seen me in a comedy club.

00:24:32.000 They saw me in Austin, they saw me somewhere else.

00:24:35.000 I've only seen you in these big places.

00:24:37.000 The guy was like, it's way better in a small place.

00:24:39.000 Oh, it's all right.

00:24:40.000 It really is.

00:24:41.000 If the money were all the same, I'd do 75 seaters.

00:24:45.000 Really?

00:24:46.000 75, you think?

00:24:47.000 A fucking Velveeta room in Austin.

00:24:49.000 I would love...

00:24:50.000 Is that 70?

00:24:51.000 I think it's 65, 70 people.

00:24:54.000 But it's so closed and intimate.

00:24:58.000 You feel like the life of the party rather than a paid dancing monkey.

00:25:04.000 The other side of it is there's something crazy about doing...

00:25:08.000 It's a different sort of a show.

00:25:10.000 But when you do a crowd like last night, where it's, whatever it is, 2,000 screaming fucking people throwing bananas, there's something about that, too.

00:25:18.000 I felt so removed.

00:25:20.000 You couldn't see anyone.

00:25:22.000 Even leaning in, it was hard to see a face.

00:25:25.000 It's certainly a different experience.

00:25:28.000 The big theaters are a way different experience.

00:25:32.000 In the UK we were doing all theatres, most of them we had no business playing.

00:25:37.000 We're not going to sell out a 2000 seater in Sunderland, England, but someone thought it was a great idea.

00:25:44.000 But a few of them, like Wolverhampton, still my favorite city in the UK. Go Wolverhampton Wolves.

00:25:51.000 Yes, that's my team, just because the show is so great.

00:25:53.000 It was like a small Beatles thing getting from the back door into the van, where they're slapping on the side of the van afterwards.

00:26:01.000 This is crazy.

00:26:02.000 Wow.

00:26:05.000 Wolverhampton?

00:26:05.000 Wolverhampton.

00:26:06.000 Wow.

00:26:06.000 And we knew it was going to be great because everyone goes, oh, you're going to Wolverhampton?

00:26:10.000 Oh, good luck there!

00:26:13.000 That's going to be our place.

00:26:15.000 If you hate it, we like it.

00:26:18.000 Isn't it funny like that?

00:26:19.000 Fucking Detroit is always great shows.

00:26:23.000 It's got such a bad rep, but they're fucking greatest fans.

00:26:26.000 There's one thing, though, that people do.

00:26:28.000 There's something they love about being in a giant group of people experiencing the same thing at the same time.

00:26:33.000 If you go to see a band, I've seen bands in intimate settings, and it's pretty badass, but I've also seen them in front of thousands of people, and there's something crazy electric about that.

00:26:46.000 It's good to have them both.

00:26:47.000 It's good to have big, giant, crazy crowds, but it's also good to just show up someplace and do a 1 a.m.

00:26:55.000 spot at the store.

00:26:56.000 Well, it's nice when you can go out afterwards and take a lot of pictures, but you spent probably twice as long taking pictures as you did on stage.

00:27:04.000 Yeah, probably.

00:27:05.000 When you said we're going out front, I'm like, you're fucking kidding me.

00:27:08.000 You're going to go shake 1,700 hands?

00:27:11.000 I don't even know what the...

00:27:12.000 I figure if they want to wait in line and they paid to see me, I'll hang out.

00:27:17.000 Yeah, I never thought to do the make a line situation.

00:27:21.000 I just go out in absolute chaos after a show, even if it's like 300 people.

00:27:26.000 So it's everyone like, can I get a picture this way?

00:27:30.000 I don't know what camera I'm looking at.

00:27:33.000 Well, that was how I always did it.

00:27:36.000 But Live Nation just took over.

00:27:38.000 And started making lines.

00:27:40.000 That's what it was.

00:27:40.000 Because I would just go out.

00:27:41.000 And they would go, okay, are you going to go out and do that again?

00:27:44.000 And then I'd go, yeah, probably.

00:27:46.000 And they're like, okay, can we set up a line?

00:27:48.000 And I said, okay, go ahead, set up a line.

00:27:49.000 And they usually have that one guy that knows how to use every single phone camera.

00:27:53.000 He's like, yeah, I know this.

00:27:54.000 Yeah, I know this.

00:27:55.000 Yeah, that's the problem is people in their fucking droids.

00:27:58.000 They have no idea how to use their...

00:27:59.000 Oh, it didn't...

00:28:00.000 But what's the...

00:28:01.000 You give a droid to someone who's never used a droid and they look at that shit and like, what the fuck?

00:28:06.000 Which one's the can?

00:28:07.000 Because they can't have the exact same icons in the exact same place.

00:28:10.000 So, like, the camera button's bigger and it's on the left-hand side.

00:28:13.000 You're like, what the fuck is this?

00:28:15.000 Where's the flash?

00:28:15.000 You know flash here?

00:28:16.000 I still do that just trying to dial my phone.

00:28:19.000 Like, which one?

00:28:21.000 Contacts?

00:28:21.000 Or logs?

00:28:22.000 Somebody got there a droid.

00:28:23.000 Is that what that is?

00:28:24.000 Droid.

00:28:25.000 That's the big screen one.

00:28:27.000 Yeah.

00:28:28.000 Great for online, man.

00:28:29.000 No, I think he's got a...

00:28:30.000 What is that?

00:28:31.000 Which one is that?

00:28:32.000 The Razor?

00:28:34.000 It was the biggest one.

00:28:37.000 That's the S3. And I still, like, that's the biggest one I could get.

00:28:41.000 And I only get it because I was forced into a world where I have to text.

00:28:46.000 And it's still not big enough for my thumbs.

00:28:48.000 There's a typo in every fucking word because my thumbs are fat.

00:28:52.000 How long have you been doing it?

00:28:54.000 I've had this, like, About a year?

00:28:56.000 See, you're so behind the curve.

00:28:57.000 A little over a year.

00:28:58.000 Brian and I have been typing on those fucking things for years and years and years.

00:29:01.000 So we're like...

00:29:02.000 We just get used to it.

00:29:03.000 Do it while you're driving in a rainstorm.

00:29:06.000 No, no.

00:29:06.000 I don't fuck with my phone while I'm driving.

00:29:10.000 And you should be there, ladies and gentlemen.

00:29:11.000 I forget that's a law here.

00:29:12.000 Yeah, it should be a law.

00:29:13.000 Don't fucking text while you're driving.

00:29:15.000 Oh, no, not texting.

00:29:16.000 Just talking on the phone.

00:29:17.000 Even that.

00:29:18.000 These fucking people cover half their face.

00:29:19.000 Get a little plug.

00:29:21.000 Stick it in your ear, stupid.

00:29:22.000 These people are ridiculous.

00:29:23.000 They're holding their left hand up to their car window and driving, and they literally can't see the whole left side.

00:29:31.000 I believe it's been proven that it's not the actual holding the phone that causes the accident.

00:29:36.000 It's because you're paying attention to the conversation, so the fucking earpiece, it's all bullshit.

00:29:42.000 It is, but you are in a disadvantage if you can only hold the steering wheel with one hand.

00:29:47.000 Yeah.

00:29:47.000 If that's the only way you can do it.

00:29:48.000 And if you're holding the phone up to your ear, you have to throw the phone down and grab it.

00:29:52.000 That takes too much time.

00:29:53.000 That's a fact.

00:29:54.000 It's not safe.

00:29:55.000 And it's one thing you're holding a drink.

00:29:57.000 If I'm holding a coffee and I see an accident, I'll let that fucking coffee go.

00:30:00.000 You're not going to throw your phone down and grab the stand.

00:30:02.000 That's why I walk everywhere.

00:30:05.000 My analogy made no sense.

00:30:07.000 Maybe you wouldn't drop your coffee either.

00:30:09.000 You'd probably just crash.

00:30:10.000 My analogy didn't make any sense at all.

00:30:12.000 Probably easier to drop your phone than your coffee.

00:30:14.000 Scientific studies with Doug and Joe.

00:30:16.000 We'll be back after.

00:30:18.000 We're going to go start an accident with coffee and a phone.

00:30:21.000 That's one thing.

00:30:22.000 And someone out there do this because I have all these great ideas that are going to die in my brain.

00:30:28.000 But someone go out and take an 80-year-old sober guy On a course, an obstacle, not obstacle course, but a driving course, and put them next to a spry 25-year-old, twice the legal driving limit.

00:30:43.000 And see who drives better in a controlled...

00:30:49.000 Yeah.

00:30:49.000 It's a good idea.

00:30:51.000 I'd love that.

00:30:52.000 That YouTube clip would get a lot of fucking hits and a lot of controversy.

00:30:56.000 There's a real problem with us allowing old people to continue to drive, like, well, well, well into dementia.

00:31:02.000 Yeah.

00:31:02.000 You know, because there's no one who gets in there and stops them.

00:31:04.000 I mean, how many times have we heard about that Santa Monica one when that dude hit the gas and ran over all those people, and another one happened recently where a guy knocked some people over.

00:31:12.000 We called the cops, which, like, it killed me to have to call the cops on a drunk driver.

00:31:18.000 But we were following someone from Bisbee to Tucson on a two-lane.

00:31:23.000 Over the line and then into the breakdown lane, over the line.

00:31:27.000 And I go, if I don't call the cops and this person swerves into oncoming traffic, how much of a dick am I going to feel like?

00:31:34.000 So I called the cops and they didn't get there before.

00:31:37.000 There's a border checkpoint we have to go through to get from our house to the Tucson airport.

00:31:42.000 And when we got to the...

00:31:45.000 Checkpoint.

00:31:45.000 It was like an 89-year-old woman.

00:31:48.000 Just a hunchback most elderly woman.

00:31:52.000 So she wasn't even drunk?

00:31:53.000 No, no.

00:31:54.000 It was just fucking old.

00:31:56.000 Oh my god.

00:31:56.000 It was terrifying.

00:31:57.000 And was she in one of those really old cars?

00:31:59.000 It's like real loose?

00:32:01.000 No, no, no.

00:32:02.000 She had a normal car.

00:32:03.000 Really?

00:32:04.000 Yeah.

00:32:05.000 Old cars?

00:32:06.000 Have you ever tried to drive like a really old, like shitty fucking Oldsmobile?

00:32:09.000 You remember the one I bought at the van show?

00:32:11.000 That was terrifying.

00:32:13.000 I had to go to Fresno to pick it up.

00:32:15.000 It was a 1980 Dodge Aspen that had the roof cut off and painted lime green with a big white racing stripe.

00:32:24.000 I bought this on purpose to fuck with Rogan because he had just got this $120,000 Porsche.

00:32:29.000 So I parked it right next.

00:32:30.000 We had parking spaces side-by-side on the Man Show lot.

00:32:35.000 So I bought the biggest piece of shit I could find on eBay, the loudest, ugliest, stupidest car, and had the prop department make up a bumper sticker that said, I'm with Rogan with an arrow towards your car.

00:32:46.000 And I still have that bumper sticker on my refrigerator now.

00:32:51.000 I remember that.

00:32:52.000 But it was terrifying.

00:32:53.000 The speed limit should go by the quality of your vehicle.

00:32:57.000 It shouldn't just be a blanket thing.

00:32:59.000 Abso-fucking-lutely.

00:33:00.000 Yeah, there's old cars with drum brakes and shit.

00:33:02.000 Those things are really sketchy.

00:33:05.000 You know who has one?

00:33:06.000 Bill Burr.

00:33:07.000 Bill Burr has a really old Ford, I think it's a Ford, pickup truck.

00:33:12.000 Like a 1950-something pickup truck where it's a manual transmission where you shift it on the stalk.

00:33:21.000 You know, it's like, so you're pulling a lever that's attached to the steering wheel?

00:33:24.000 It's craziness!

00:33:26.000 And he loves it.

00:33:27.000 The joy and sparkle in his eyes.

00:33:30.000 You know, it's like, I go, no navigation system?

00:33:32.000 Fucking no navigation system.

00:33:34.000 No nothing.

00:33:35.000 He's like, it does everything.

00:33:36.000 The radio works.

00:33:37.000 It's just this old engine.

00:33:38.000 He's like, you can work on it.

00:33:39.000 Look at it, you open it up.

00:33:40.000 I can work on that.

00:33:41.000 I'm like...

00:33:42.000 Fucking Bill Burr.

00:33:43.000 Just talking to him.

00:33:45.000 Just about whatever.

00:33:46.000 I don't even remember what we were talking about.

00:33:49.000 But right before I went on stage and just everyone in the green room is just dying laughing.

00:33:55.000 And he's just talking casually about whatever.

00:33:58.000 And then I'm like, I've got to go on stage after this.

00:34:01.000 And nothing in my act is as funny as just him kibitzing.

00:34:06.000 Yeah, he's such an awesome dude, too.

00:34:09.000 Yeah.

00:34:09.000 He, like, didn't want to hang.

00:34:11.000 He's like, oh, I don't want to, you know...

00:34:12.000 Bingo went out and got him.

00:34:13.000 Yeah, he's so silly.

00:34:14.000 Like, he was leaving and he...

00:34:15.000 I don't want to impose.

00:34:16.000 Like, get the fuck out of here.

00:34:17.000 Come hang out with us, man.

00:34:18.000 What are you talking about?

00:34:19.000 What, you want us to be completely overrun by industry and no one fun in the green room?

00:34:23.000 Yeah.

00:34:24.000 It was a weird green room.

00:34:25.000 And Doug and I were talking about this.

00:34:27.000 I think we talked about this before the podcast started.

00:34:29.000 We didn't know fucking half the people in there.

00:34:31.000 It was weird.

00:34:31.000 It's like all these industry people.

00:34:34.000 I thought they were all your people.

00:34:36.000 Joey Diaz talked me out of even going.

00:34:38.000 He's like, dog, you don't want to go down there.

00:34:39.000 And I thought it was like, alright, there's some creepy sex shit going on.

00:34:42.000 Well, Stanhope scared off most of them from the after party by bringing in strangers.

00:34:46.000 Stanhope just went out and grabbed some strangers.

00:34:48.000 They had this giant spread of food that you know is going to go straight in the trash.

00:34:53.000 Jeff Wills assured me it goes to the homeless people.

00:34:55.000 I'm like, yeah.

00:34:56.000 I'm sure that's what you're thinking about while you're counting the beans at the end of the night is, oh, make sure the cold cuts get to the homeless.

00:35:02.000 Right.

00:35:03.000 Just drop them off in the corner of Skid Row.

00:35:06.000 Flop.

00:35:06.000 Yeah, and there's three cases of beer, and it's just...

00:35:11.000 Us in the industry, so I've just got people out of your line.

00:35:14.000 I go, he'll be down here eventually.

00:35:16.000 Come drink free beer.

00:35:17.000 So Stan Hill grabbed a bunch of people, brought him down to the after party and smoked out all the industry people.

00:35:23.000 Eventually, like, I'm uncomfortable here.

00:35:26.000 Trying to talk about my pending deals.

00:35:28.000 Let me flee.

00:35:30.000 Fuck him.

00:35:30.000 Really, I didn't know most of the people that were back there.

00:35:33.000 It was like my manager and my agent.

00:35:44.000 I was talking to the guys from Impractical Jokers.

00:35:51.000 I don't know if you've seen it.

00:35:52.000 What is that?

00:35:53.000 It's like a prank show on TruTV which is a fucking awful network.

00:35:57.000 It's the only good thing on the network.

00:35:59.000 But it's like, it's genuinely funny.

00:36:02.000 They're four friends and they just, they prank, they pull pranks on people, but the idea is to, oh, we're going to make our friend go do this.

00:36:09.000 And then they, like, so it's really the prank is, they're fucking with each other.

00:36:13.000 It's really funny.

00:36:14.000 A soft, genuinely funny prank.

00:36:18.000 And I was talking to them because they have some problems with the network that make the man show look fucking like we owned it.

00:36:25.000 Really?

00:36:25.000 Yeah.

00:36:26.000 And I'm like, you got to get a guy like fucking Rogan's guy.

00:36:29.000 We called him the cleaner.

00:36:30.000 I couldn't think of his name.

00:36:32.000 Sussman.

00:36:32.000 Yeah, you need someone to call.

00:36:34.000 Like the network telling them what to do on their off time.

00:36:36.000 Oh my god.

00:36:38.000 Really?

00:36:38.000 They tell them what to do on their off time?

00:36:40.000 Yeah.

00:36:41.000 Like what?

00:36:42.000 Like they were going to do a gig in Iowa.

00:36:45.000 They had like five shows booked in Iowa just on their own.

00:36:49.000 Couldn't let them use the Impractical Joker's name.

00:36:53.000 Then they told them they couldn't even do the gig because they wanted them to be focused on the show even though they're not taping.

00:36:59.000 It was like crazy.

00:37:00.000 Do you remember when we first sat down to do the Man Show, one of their first ideas was that we film the beginning of it in Iraq.

00:37:09.000 That would go over and do the man show in Iraq.

00:37:11.000 Oh, I don't remember that.

00:37:13.000 And I go, are you- Oh, that was their idea?

00:37:16.000 That was Stone Stanley's idea.

00:37:17.000 And I go, are you out of your fucking mind?

00:37:21.000 I go, you want to go to a war zone and have girls jump up and down on trampolines.

00:37:26.000 And I go, what are you doing?

00:37:27.000 Are you endorsing this invasion of this country that makes no fucking sense, that's supposed to be connected to 9-11 but isn't really in any way, shape, or form?

00:37:34.000 Is that what we're doing?

00:37:36.000 And they sat there and looked at me like they didn't know what to say.

00:37:38.000 I go, what the fuck are you talking about?

00:37:40.000 That was like the beginning of the end with those guys.

00:37:42.000 I do remember when we were going to get O.J. Simpson on to do an Andy Rooney spot at the end of every show.

00:37:48.000 Yes!

00:37:49.000 And just announce him as Heisman Trophy winner, O.J. Simpson, and then he just bitches about ATM fees or something?

00:37:55.000 What is it?

00:37:57.000 Man, I paid my money.

00:37:59.000 You're getting money from me anyway.

00:38:02.000 But Stone Stanley had some connection to them where he's like, no, that's no possible way.

00:38:08.000 Yeah.

00:38:09.000 Off the table.

00:38:09.000 You know, that should have never happened.

00:38:12.000 We fucked up, man.

00:38:14.000 That was an interesting lesson, but what happened was, first of all, if anybody does the history of the show, I was doing Fear Factor at the same time, so my time was very limited.

00:38:24.000 I was fucked.

00:38:25.000 And the other thing was, they kind of bullshitted us.

00:38:28.000 They told me, when they were setting it up for me, they were like, listen, you can do whatever the fuck you want.

00:38:34.000 Like, if you guys get sued, that would be good for us.

00:38:37.000 It'd be good publicity.

00:38:38.000 I go, what about nudity?

00:38:40.000 Can we blur it out?

00:38:40.000 Absolutely.

00:38:41.000 Nudity will blur it out.

00:38:43.000 Swears?

00:38:43.000 We'll just beep it out.

00:38:44.000 Do whatever the fuck you want to do.

00:38:45.000 Is Stone Stanley the production company, not the network?

00:38:47.000 No.

00:38:48.000 Stone Stanley literally said to me...

00:38:50.000 If we get sued, it would be great.

00:38:52.000 It would be great publicity.

00:38:53.000 I was like, this is perfect.

00:38:55.000 And then I'm saying, you do it with Stanhope?

00:38:56.000 And then yes, if Stanhope's what you want, I go, the only way I'm doing it is with Stanhope.

00:39:00.000 Okay, good, we're in.

00:39:01.000 And then once we got in, oh my god, it was just, they lied to us.

00:39:06.000 It was like the network had these really silly ideas.

00:39:11.000 It was so complicated.

00:39:14.000 Compartmentalized that you have, you know, the network saying one thing, then you have the Stone Stanley saying another thing, and then there's the lawyers, and then there's standards and practices, so you couldn't get a cohesive answer.

00:39:26.000 One person might be genuinely saying, yeah, you can do whatever you want.

00:39:29.000 Hang on, Dunce Hellberg, our lawyer, says you can't do that.

00:39:33.000 But it was the idea that the most...

00:39:35.000 The thing that I didn't expect the most was these people who aren't funny in any way, shape, or form telling you what is and isn't funny and telling you sketches that are and aren't funny.

00:39:47.000 And you're like, what are you even saying?

00:39:50.000 When did you become an expert on what's funny?

00:39:52.000 You have no idea what it would take to put something down, write it down on paper, conceptualize it in a way that the audience is going to absorb it, go on stage and kill.

00:40:01.000 You don't understand what that is.

00:40:02.000 I know what that is.

00:40:03.000 That's my job.

00:40:04.000 That's your job.

00:40:05.000 I don't want to talk too much about the impractical Joker story.

00:40:09.000 I don't know how much I'm talking out of school.

00:40:13.000 The fucking head of the network, Mark Juris, this douche, will make them fucking write out possible improv things they might say under these circumstances.

00:40:23.000 Okay, we approve the gag, so what jokes might you say to someone?

00:40:28.000 And then he'll approve things that might or might not be said.

00:40:32.000 So he improves possible improvs?

00:40:34.000 They guys are like fucking almost in tears on the phone and go, I don't know how to do this.

00:40:38.000 I go, I don't know what to tell you.

00:40:40.000 See, that is someone who's a douchebag, who doesn't understand the creative process in any way, shape, or form.

00:40:46.000 If you're out there and you work with someone creative, there's one way, only one way you can get the most out of that person.

00:40:52.000 Leave him alone.

00:40:53.000 That's it.

00:40:54.000 Leave them alone.

00:40:55.000 Let them come up with their own shit.

00:40:56.000 That's it.

00:40:57.000 It's the only way it's going to work.

00:40:58.000 If you start meddling, you're not going to make it better.

00:41:01.000 You're not.

00:41:01.000 You're not going to fucking straighten out the plot lines.

00:41:04.000 You're not.

00:41:05.000 You're not.

00:41:05.000 If they're funny, they're going to figure out how to do it.

00:41:08.000 If they work on it hard, if they care about it, they'll make it good.

00:41:11.000 If they can't, they suck.

00:41:13.000 And you're not going to fix that.

00:41:15.000 You're not going to fix suck, and you're not going to make funny funnier.

00:41:17.000 You're just not.

00:41:18.000 Yeah, me and Bill were talking about that.

00:41:21.000 We're getting to a level where, you know what, I can just do stand-up.

00:41:24.000 I don't need to be on TV. I can make enough money now as a stand-up where fuck you.

00:41:31.000 Yeah, I feel like that with everything except the UFC. The UFC, they're like a family to me, like Dana.

00:41:37.000 Yeah, but that's not a gig where they go, okay, you have to do this and this and this.

00:41:41.000 No, no.

00:41:42.000 I mean, it's the easiest gig of all time for me, because I'm this fanatical fan.

00:41:47.000 But as far as anything else, I don't give a fuck.

00:41:52.000 I've been offered movies before, and I'm like, eh, I don't want to do that.

00:41:56.000 What, am I going to go to New Orleans for a month?

00:41:58.000 The fuck am I going to go?

00:41:59.000 Yeah, set a trailer.

00:42:00.000 Yeah, I have no desire.

00:42:02.000 If the level of fame that I had two years ago was all I could ever get to, I'm good with that.

00:42:09.000 I'm not even famous.

00:42:11.000 I'm uncomfortable with the amount of fame I have.

00:42:13.000 Well, you're unquestionably famous.

00:42:15.000 But I mean, walk down the street famous.

00:42:18.000 That's better, because you're famous amongst stand-up comedy fans.

00:42:20.000 Exactly.

00:42:20.000 I'm perfect.

00:42:21.000 There's an elite group of human beings that are in this one category that I consider funny, and there's not that many of them.

00:42:30.000 It's really kind of amazing if you stop and think about it.

00:42:32.000 If you think about how many people are actually on the planet...

00:42:35.000 Hang on, I just got a text.

00:42:36.000 I just want to make sure it wasn't Q listening from Impractical Jokers going, you're gonna get us fired, man!

00:42:42.000 What the fuck, man?

00:42:42.000 True TV pays my mortgage, man!

00:42:45.000 What else is on True TV? All the fakest shows in the world.

00:42:49.000 Fakest shit hardcore pawn is completely fucking fake set up.

00:42:55.000 Mystery diners was one they would run it where they'd watch a bad employee.

00:43:01.000 It's like slap you in the face insultingly.

00:43:05.000 Poorly staged.

00:43:06.000 Wow.

00:43:07.000 They'll have a bad employee, and we think he's stealing, and now we have video for him.

00:43:11.000 We set up hidden cameras, and we see him stealing things.

00:43:14.000 Wow.

00:43:16.000 We watched one where the guy, oh, him and his friends are carrying a keg out the back.

00:43:21.000 Well, when they're going out the door from the inside shot, the keg is not tapped, but on the other side of the door, the keg is tapped.

00:43:30.000 Ha!

00:43:31.000 So we called up, and we go, yeah, I need to talk to that employee, Jed, whatever the guy's name was.

00:43:38.000 Yeah, we saw the show, I think, because he was serving underage people.

00:43:43.000 And we go, yeah, I think he served my underage daughter, and I'm going to take legal action.

00:43:49.000 And the fucking manager had to tell me outright, no, that show's completely staged.

00:43:53.000 Yeah, no, those are hired actors.

00:43:57.000 That's funny.

00:43:57.000 Do you remember...

00:43:59.000 Bingo, can I get another one of these?

00:44:01.000 Yes.

00:44:01.000 Of course you can.

00:44:02.000 Thank you, my love.

00:44:03.000 Do you remember Governors on Long Island?

00:44:06.000 Yes.

00:44:06.000 There was a dude who worked at Governors.

00:44:08.000 He was a wicked cool guy who was a doorman who also doubled.

00:44:13.000 They would fly him out and he would do various talk shows.

00:44:18.000 They had a deal where they would call him up and they'd go, hey, we're looking for a guy who is in love and is having an affair with his brother's wife.

00:44:27.000 And he'd be like, what the fuck do you know?

00:44:29.000 I am in love and having an affair with my brother's wife.

00:44:32.000 And he would just fly down.

00:44:33.000 That's what I did with Jerry Springer.

00:44:35.000 You did it?

00:44:35.000 I did that too?

00:44:36.000 Springer, when it first started, like, yeah.

00:44:39.000 I did Springer, and then while I was there, the fucking...

00:44:43.000 Uh, producer guy, just fucking crazy guy.

00:44:46.000 I actually got sued by him later on.

00:44:48.000 Uh, he said, uh, he goes, okay, we're going over the script.

00:44:52.000 It's me and two strippers that are pretending to be strippers, probably.

00:44:56.000 And, uh, we're going over the, you know, rehearsing.

00:45:00.000 They flew me out for free.

00:45:01.000 It was like 1998 or something.

00:45:03.000 And, uh, He said, and by the way, don't talk to anyone in the hotel because 2020 is investigating us, or Dateline, and so if anyone comes up to you, and it was such a dick that the next morning I called my agent, I go, get me a number for 2020. And then it turned into this whole,

00:45:20.000 like, spy versus spy where I'm leaving the outline snuck out under my door so 2020 can come grab it and copy it and then put it back while I'm in the other room rehearsing.

00:45:30.000 It was fucking crazy.

00:45:33.000 Yeah, it was a whole...

00:45:35.000 The story's on my website somewhere in the archives.

00:45:38.000 Whatever happened to that really fucking funny show you did for Fox, that hidden camera show where you cooked a cat, where you brought a cat to a...

00:45:48.000 Was that...

00:45:49.000 I was trying to mail my...

00:45:50.000 Yeah, my ex-girlfriend says she wants your cat back, so I went to, like, mailing mailboxes, etc., to mail what looked like a dead cat in tinfoil.

00:46:01.000 Did they mail it for you?

00:46:02.000 I don't remember.

00:46:04.000 It was a montage of different places.

00:46:07.000 That show was fine.

00:46:08.000 I don't think anyone mailed it.

00:46:09.000 That was in the 90s, right?

00:46:10.000 We filmed it in 99 and it didn't air until 2001. They just shelved it.

00:46:16.000 But then they pulled it out as a summer replacement.

00:46:19.000 It was after 9-11 because they changed it from attack of the hidden cameras to invasion of the hidden cameras.

00:46:25.000 Because they thought attack...

00:46:29.000 Oh God.

00:46:32.000 Oh God, I hate everybody.

00:46:34.000 I fucking love Hidden Camera and none of it's good.

00:46:37.000 Yeah.

00:46:38.000 Except for that's why I love Impractical Jokers.

00:46:41.000 It's finally like after years of punk and you just want to leap through the TV and slap that fucking Ashton Kutcher in his cunt mouth.

00:46:49.000 Right in the cunt mouth, right?

00:46:50.000 Yeah.

00:46:51.000 We set up a fake valet.

00:46:53.000 What idiot is just going to give their keys to a random stranger?

00:46:57.000 Really?

00:46:57.000 You don't valet park your fucking car, Ashton Kutcher, you smarmy cunt.

00:47:02.000 Smarmy cunt.

00:47:03.000 And they were just so poor.

00:47:05.000 I fucking...

00:47:06.000 Candid Camera.

00:47:07.000 I want to get box sets of old Candid Camera because this shit makes me fucking cry laughing.

00:47:12.000 Yeah, Candid Camera was pretty fucking bad.

00:47:14.000 What is the deal with Hidden Camera though?

00:47:19.000 There's certain rules that exist now that I don't think existed before.

00:47:23.000 It was reasonable expectation of privacy.

00:47:25.000 Oh, I gotta fucking tell you a story off the air.

00:47:27.000 I have the injunction in my backpack of why I can't tell you on the air.

00:47:31.000 I got a story off the air.

00:47:32.000 Do you remember the fake Dr. Phil that we had for the man show?

00:47:35.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:47:35.000 That guy was fucking brilliant.

00:47:38.000 That was some funny shit.

00:47:40.000 He had an earpiece.

00:47:41.000 He just looked like Dr. Phil.

00:47:42.000 But I mean, he was a brilliant impression of Dr. Phil.

00:47:47.000 Those women really thought it was Dr. Phil.

00:47:49.000 But that was fucking awesome, dude.

00:47:51.000 That was like one of my favorite things we did.

00:47:53.000 That and when you stole the old man show midget.

00:47:57.000 Yeah.

00:47:58.000 When you romanced him.

00:47:59.000 Yeah, Arturo.

00:47:59.000 Oh, that was beautiful too.

00:48:01.000 I get the master tapes.

00:48:03.000 I want to put them on eBay.

00:48:05.000 Because they won't release our...

00:48:07.000 Our show ever.

00:48:09.000 Is that the case?

00:48:10.000 They won't release it?

00:48:11.000 No, they would have.

00:48:12.000 They've released every other one on box set DVDs.

00:48:15.000 I know.

00:48:15.000 I just want to eBay the tapes for charity.

00:48:19.000 That's not a bad idea.

00:48:20.000 You'd probably get sued, though.

00:48:22.000 Why?

00:48:22.000 I don't know.

00:48:23.000 Because somebody probably owns it if they ever wanted to sell it as a DVD. Why'd they give me the fucking tapes?

00:48:28.000 They probably fucked up.

00:48:29.000 They didn't think you'd go crazy and go on eBay.

00:48:32.000 They didn't understand what eBay was, probably.

00:48:34.000 They probably didn't have eBay back then.

00:48:35.000 I don't need another court problem right now.

00:48:37.000 Yeah, don't do it.

00:48:39.000 Me and Andy are flying to Florida for Christmas.

00:48:42.000 That's how we realized we'll be spending our Christmases, in court in Florida.

00:48:47.000 In court in Florida?

00:48:48.000 Yeah, we fly on Christmas Day.

00:48:49.000 Again, can't talk about it.

00:48:51.000 Oh, really?

00:48:52.000 Oh, is this that thing that you were talking about before?

00:48:55.000 Maybe.

00:48:55.000 Yeah.

00:48:56.000 Oh, someone's upset?

00:48:57.000 Yeah.

00:48:58.000 Shouldn't have been fucking kids, pal.

00:49:01.000 That's how it goes, right?

00:49:03.000 Son of a bitch.

00:49:06.000 I don't even know what we're talking about.

00:49:07.000 I'm just making things up, folks.

00:49:08.000 If this in any way coincidentally relates to the actual events of the case, it's strictly...

00:49:14.000 Don't worry.

00:49:15.000 After we're out of court, we'll be able to talk.

00:49:19.000 Oh, okay.

00:49:19.000 So after we're out of court, you could go...

00:49:20.000 Yeah, we're good.

00:49:21.000 So it could become part of your act.

00:49:23.000 20 minutes.

00:49:24.000 That's a problem.

00:49:25.000 Well, that's the problem when you have...

00:49:27.000 A great story, but it's with another comic, and it's pretty much his story.

00:49:32.000 Right.

00:49:32.000 Well, here's what you've got to do with that guy.

00:49:34.000 Don't fucking lay it out for him and say it in the perfect joke form.

00:49:38.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:49:39.000 He'll have his own take.

00:49:40.000 But he's been making jokes about it for years.

00:49:43.000 Let's get off because this is annoying the audience.

00:49:45.000 Not only that, we're already probably tripping on some fucking legal issues.

00:49:49.000 You can consult with Jay Moore, though, if you need help with that.

00:49:51.000 Wah, wah.

00:49:56.000 Speaking of fucking hilarious, I sent Doug this thing, and there's a video of Bill Burr talking about Yoko Ono and John Lennon, and it is one of the fucking funniest things I've ever seen.

00:50:10.000 Oh, you got a keyed up?

00:50:11.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:50:11.000 We're going to show it.

00:50:12.000 Because it's so perfect.

00:50:14.000 It was when John Lennon...

00:50:16.000 Had a chance to perform on a television show with Chuck Berry, and he brought Yoko Ono with him, and Bill Burr just breaks it down.

00:50:25.000 It's one of the fun...

00:50:26.000 You have to see it visually, folks, too, if you're listening to this on iTunes.

00:50:30.000 Do yourself a favor and just YouTube Bill Burr Yoko Ono and find the clip and watch it, because the look on Chuck Berry's face is fucking priceless.

00:50:41.000 I mean, it's priceless.

00:50:43.000 Chuck Berry...

00:50:45.000 Yoko Ono.

00:50:47.000 Is this the video?

00:50:48.000 Yeah.

00:50:50.000 I totally agree with them.

00:50:52.000 I think they're the greatest band of all time.

00:50:54.000 But I have to be honest with you.

00:50:55.000 John Lennon and Paul McCartney redefined Pussy Whipped.

00:51:01.000 You have to watch this fucking video.

00:51:03.000 It's...

00:51:04.000 John Lennon is singing with Chuck Berry.

00:51:06.000 Chuck Berry is probably one of the main reasons why John Lennon ever picked up a guitar.

00:51:11.000 Now he's on TV. He gets to play with his idol.

00:51:14.000 They're playing Chuck Berry's hit Memphis.

00:51:17.000 Okay?

00:51:18.000 John Lennon's got Yoko in his fucking band.

00:51:22.000 They're in the middle of singing this song on television.

00:51:25.000 And they're killing it.

00:51:26.000 It's going great.

00:51:27.000 Yoko's playing some stupid fucking drum.

00:51:30.000 And even though she has no fucking talent whatsoever, he's putting her in the fucking band just so she'll shut the fuck up and stop nagging him because he's too much of a fucking pussy to tell her that she has no talent.

00:51:44.000 Alright?

00:51:45.000 The only reason why you're here, Yoko, is because you're sucking my dick.

00:51:49.000 Alright?

00:51:50.000 No, you can't play the bongos.

00:51:52.000 But anyway, she's up there playing the bongos, right?

00:51:55.000 So John Lennon, Chuck Berry, two of the greats of all time, harmonizing, singing this hit from the 1950s.

00:52:01.000 That's what this moment's about.

00:52:03.000 And Yoko, in the middle of it, can't handle that she's not getting any shine.

00:52:06.000 She takes the fucking microphone out of the stand, starts playing the bongo, and as they're singing, you know, go, go, Johnny, go, whatever, she picks up the mic and I swear to God goes, some fucking crazy shit.

00:52:20.000 And you see Chuck Berry's eyes.

00:52:22.000 Fucking open as wide as they are and it's that fucking look.

00:52:27.000 Dude, you ever have like a buddy of yours and he's dating some fucking psycho but he's in love with her so you can't fucking say anything and you're just sitting there waiting for the fucking lightning bolt to hit your friend in the head where he finally realizes that he's dating a psycho cunt.

00:52:42.000 Chuck Berry had that look on his face.

00:52:44.000 Dude, I'm not even exaggerating.

00:52:47.000 That's what the fuck she did.

00:52:49.000 And Chuck Berry's like, what the fuck?

00:52:52.000 And it's kind of like, John, that's your woman.

00:52:55.000 Get her in line.

00:52:56.000 And John Lennon does not even fucking...

00:52:58.000 He doesn't even blink.

00:53:01.000 He just keeps playing.

00:53:03.000 And then she does it again later on in that song.

00:53:06.000 And then you look at all the other musicians and they just keep playing the song like Yoko isn't even fucking there.

00:53:12.000 And I actually get infuriated when I watch this video.

00:53:15.000 The fact that John didn't just stop playing in that moment.

00:53:19.000 And what he should have done was dressed her down right there.

00:53:22.000 You say, fine, you want to have a fucking moment?

00:53:23.000 This is your moment.

00:53:24.000 If you ever fucking do that again...

00:53:26.000 I will slap you so fucking hard in the head, your eyes are gonna look like mine.

00:53:29.000 You understand me?

00:53:30.000 You play that fucking bongo and you shut your face.

00:53:33.000 You look like that bitch who crawled out of the fucking well in ring.

00:53:35.000 You understand me?

00:53:36.000 I don't even know why I'm fucking you.

00:53:37.000 I could be fucking anybody.

00:53:39.000 You can't play the bongos.

00:53:40.000 You can't sing.

00:53:41.000 Shut your fucking face.

00:53:43.000 And then he just walks back up to the mic and just counts the band back in.

00:53:47.000 Right?

00:53:47.000 Isn't that what the fuck you should have done?

00:53:53.000 That's beautiful.

00:53:55.000 Bingo's here.

00:53:56.000 I told Rogue, and I go, anytime we get into a really strong riff together, I'm going to have Bingo lean into the mic and just go...

00:54:10.000 Oh, my God.

00:54:11.000 I went to a Yoko Ono art exhibit in Massachusetts once.

00:54:16.000 When I was living in Boston, they had something set up somewhere.

00:54:20.000 It was the most ridiculous shit.

00:54:23.000 I didn't know what to expect.

00:54:25.000 I was going there hoping that there would be something funny.

00:54:27.000 And I go there, and one of the art pieces was a block of wood with some nails in it, and there was a box of nails and a hammer.

00:54:40.000 That was the piece of art.

00:54:41.000 And she said that she was encouraging people to participate and they should pick up a nail and put it into the block of wood.

00:54:48.000 And that was the art.

00:54:50.000 Yeah.

00:54:51.000 This reminds me of when you went to the wine tasting.

00:54:54.000 Yeah.

00:54:54.000 What kind of super pussy did she have that kept him around?

00:54:57.000 What was going on there?

00:54:58.000 Asian.

00:54:59.000 Is that what it was?

00:55:00.000 I mean, was he just...

00:55:01.000 She's not even like hot Asian.

00:55:02.000 And it's hard to be not hot and Asian.

00:55:05.000 Yeah.

00:55:05.000 It's difficult.

00:55:06.000 She was gross.

00:55:08.000 She was weird.

00:55:09.000 It was a strange fucking, it's almost like she hypnotized him or something, you know?

00:55:15.000 Yeah, sometimes when you do hardcore hallucinogens with someone, maybe you see something in them that no one else can see, even if it's not really there.

00:55:24.000 Maybe it was, this bitch is not going anywhere.

00:55:28.000 Maybe it was one of those.

00:55:29.000 It was like, look, I need to make sure you're going to be around for a long time, you know?

00:55:34.000 Can we bank on this, you know?

00:55:36.000 I don't know, John.

00:55:37.000 I'm like the wind.

00:55:39.000 I go where my conscience takes me.

00:55:41.000 I don't know.

00:55:42.000 I've stayed with chicks because I thought there was another level to them that I'm not finding yet.

00:55:49.000 And you go, no, you're just a fucking empty shell of a human being.

00:55:52.000 It's not like you're not giving me more.

00:55:55.000 You're not secret.

00:55:56.000 So you were hoping there was more.

00:55:58.000 Yeah.

00:55:59.000 You were just deluding yourself.

00:56:00.000 You take that initial infatuation and you're like, oh...

00:56:06.000 I'm convinced that there's something more that you're not giving me.

00:56:10.000 I expect more from my heroes.

00:56:12.000 I just do.

00:56:14.000 It makes me sad.

00:56:15.000 You mean like firemen and shit?

00:56:16.000 No, like John Lennon.

00:56:19.000 I expect more.

00:56:20.000 I thought you meant me.

00:56:22.000 No, not you.

00:56:24.000 No, I mean, I'm very happy with that.

00:56:26.000 I thought you were saying that I let you down by staying with women that were fucking subpar.

00:56:31.000 No, you did an awesome job with everything so far.

00:56:36.000 My issues with John Lennon and Yoko Ono and the fucking block of wood with nails in it.

00:56:41.000 I remember just standing there, sitting there like, what kind of bullshit is this?

00:56:44.000 How is this art?

00:56:44.000 It's a box of nails and a fucking hammer.

00:56:47.000 That's good.

00:56:50.000 No chance.

00:56:53.000 Is that Dick Cavett?

00:56:55.000 Powerful Dick Cavett.

00:56:57.000 Little Esther.

00:57:14.000 I don't understand the fucking words she's saying.

00:57:18.000 We are water.

00:57:19.000 She's got a lot of money.

00:57:21.000 She needs to get her teeth fixed.

00:57:24.000 I wonder if she just starts going...

00:57:31.000 I love that, though.

00:57:32.000 I love...

00:57:33.000 Because I have horrible teeth, so I love seeing...

00:57:36.000 Back then, actors that have great teeth now had these fucking horrible, wrecked fucking mouths in the 60s and 70s.

00:57:44.000 Yeah, I miss that.

00:57:45.000 I love being in the UK. I can be ugly as shit, and I can be on TV. Like Jeremy Clarkson?

00:57:51.000 I don't know who that is.

00:57:52.000 The guy from Top Gear?

00:57:53.000 You never watch that show, Top Gear?

00:57:55.000 Oh, yeah, but is he the fatter, bigger one?

00:57:57.000 The big guy.

00:57:58.000 Yeah, I don't remember his mouth, but...

00:58:00.000 He's a funny fucking dude.

00:58:01.000 Is he?

00:58:01.000 He's funny, man.

00:58:02.000 He's very funny.

00:58:03.000 You don't give a fuck about cars, but the show's not really about cars.

00:58:06.000 Well, in the UK, you don't have the choice of giving a fuck, because they only have like nine channels, and you're stuck in a hotel all day, and you don't want to go out because there's nothing to eat.

00:58:15.000 And the fucking beers are overpriced and everyone's surly in the pub, so you watch TV. I watch music videos over there.

00:58:21.000 Someone is a little on the negative side today.

00:58:24.000 Do you feel this?

00:58:25.000 You ever heard the song Down With The Trumpets by Rizzle Kicks?

00:58:28.000 No.

00:58:29.000 That's a fucking...

00:58:30.000 I like it now.

00:58:31.000 Because I hated it so much and I watched the video so many times over five weeks in London that it became like...

00:58:38.000 Why do you torture yourself with those long tours like that?

00:58:41.000 Like five weeks?

00:58:42.000 Yeah.

00:58:43.000 Well, in the States, this year we went back old school and just put me and two other comics and Chaley, my road manager, and Bingo in a van and just went town to town.

00:58:53.000 And we had a fucking blast.

00:58:54.000 I heard the dude who's opening for you, who opened for you at the comedy store.

00:58:57.000 It's really funny.

00:58:58.000 Junior Stopka.

00:58:59.000 Oh, he's my new fucking guy.

00:59:02.000 Does he have anything online?

00:59:04.000 It's nothing quality.

00:59:06.000 There's no quality footage, but Junior Stopka.

00:59:10.000 S-T-O-P-K-A. Fucking wicked funny.

00:59:14.000 Nice guy.

00:59:16.000 T-O-P-K-A. P-K-A. There you go.

00:59:40.000 I like that.

00:59:45.000 Dude, I like that.

00:59:46.000 The internet.

00:59:48.000 That's alright.

00:59:49.000 That was pretty good, man.

00:59:51.000 It's called Rizzle Kicks, Down With The Trumpets.

00:59:54.000 And that became an obsession with you while you were living?

00:59:57.000 Yeah, the video bothered me, the kids bothered me.

01:00:01.000 Do you know the rules to snooker?

01:00:02.000 No, I don't.

01:00:03.000 I didn't get that deep.

01:00:04.000 I didn't watch darts either.

01:00:07.000 I've watched an hour and a half of snooker.

01:00:09.000 I did get into football over there.

01:00:12.000 You mean soccer?

01:00:13.000 Yes.

01:00:14.000 I know.

01:00:15.000 I have bits that I wrote over there and I still have to, when I'm doing them over here, stop myself from saying football and say soccer.

01:00:23.000 You know, those buzzwords?

01:00:25.000 It's like saying nigger over there if you call it soccer.

01:00:28.000 You'll get worse reaction from saying soccer about football on stage in the UK than any racial slur.

01:00:35.000 Really?

01:00:36.000 Soccer, huh?

01:00:37.000 It's fucking football, you fucking...

01:00:39.000 Whoa, whoa, easy.

01:00:41.000 That's all they have.

01:00:42.000 It's a smarter football, really.

01:00:43.000 Those guys don't get as much brain damage.

01:00:46.000 But the problem with American football, man, is those fucking helmets, apparently.

01:00:50.000 It's what everybody says.

01:00:51.000 If they took off the helmets, they wouldn't be slamming heads at each other.

01:00:54.000 Yeah, that's why when they say rugby is so much harder than football, no, they don't have a false sense of security like football players do.

01:01:00.000 Yeah, you're jarring your melon like that.

01:01:04.000 That's not good, even if your skull is protected from cracking.

01:01:07.000 It's the soft innards that are the issue.

01:01:09.000 Just the impact alone.

01:01:12.000 It's a weird sort of a thing, though, to tell people that you would be safer.

01:01:17.000 You know, you would actually be safer if you had a leather helmet on.

01:01:21.000 People don't want to hear that kind of shit.

01:01:23.000 That kind of weird logic, like, it would actually be better if drugs were legal.

01:01:26.000 People wouldn't do drugs.

01:01:27.000 Like, what?

01:01:28.000 The fuck are you saying?

01:01:30.000 If all drugs were legal, less people would be doing drugs.

01:01:34.000 I've never had more fun driving a car than when I was 16 and didn't have a license and my brother's girlfriend was going to let me drive a car illegally.

01:01:42.000 And now, I wish I had that thrill of sitting in traffic.

01:01:46.000 I shouldn't be doing this!

01:01:48.000 Do you remember the thrill of just piloting a car at all?

01:01:51.000 Just moving it around and turning and stopping?

01:01:54.000 It was so fun.

01:01:55.000 But when it was illegal, it was the most fun.

01:01:57.000 I don't have a license.

01:01:58.000 I'm driving illegally.

01:02:00.000 We realized my stepmother's Toyota Corolla wagon would turn on with a butter knife.

01:02:05.000 Like the key.

01:02:05.000 You didn't even need a key.

01:02:07.000 And they'd go out of town and we'd be driving all over.

01:02:09.000 A butter knife?

01:02:10.000 Yeah.

01:02:10.000 Just anything that would fit in that would turn like a screwdriver.

01:02:14.000 How the fuck did someone figure that out?

01:02:16.000 My brother was trying to figure out how to hotwire a car and realized they didn't need to.

01:02:21.000 Well, that was the thing.

01:02:22.000 They would break off on some cars.

01:02:23.000 They would break off the part where the key goes in and just stick a screwdriver in and just turn it on.

01:02:27.000 Like instantly.

01:02:28.000 It took like five seconds.

01:02:29.000 Didn't even have to do that.

01:02:30.000 There were some shit designs of cars, I guess.

01:02:33.000 Some of them, they fucking...

01:02:34.000 Now the push-button ones.

01:02:36.000 Now it's probably a pain in the dick.

01:02:37.000 Yeah.

01:02:37.000 If you want to really try to steal a car.

01:02:39.000 I get a push-button one.

01:02:40.000 I love the push-button.

01:02:41.000 Oh, it's beautiful.

01:02:42.000 Keep the key in your pocket.

01:02:43.000 Just get in there.

01:02:44.000 You don't have to think about shit.

01:02:45.000 Yeah.

01:02:45.000 Oh, if you live in Bisbee, you can keep the key right in the car.

01:02:48.000 What?

01:02:48.000 Probably shouldn't have said that.

01:02:51.000 What if random illegal aliens sneaking across the border by your fluorescent orange fucking house?

01:02:58.000 That's why you have insurance.

01:02:59.000 Oh, there you go.

01:03:00.000 Yeah, fuck them.

01:03:01.000 Fuck them.

01:03:02.000 Look at you.

01:03:02.000 You don't give a shit.

01:03:03.000 That's gangster.

01:03:04.000 Have you heard of gunjing before, Joe?

01:03:06.000 It's a calculated risk.

01:03:08.000 Gunjing?

01:03:09.000 Gunjing.

01:03:09.000 Do you know what gunjing is?

01:03:11.000 No, is that that fat Korean guy?

01:03:13.000 No, no.

01:03:13.000 It's when you take a dead lady and you and your friend, you suck on her pussy, and the other guy jumps on her stomach.

01:03:21.000 Shut the fuck up.

01:03:22.000 Just shut the fuck up.

01:03:24.000 Go to the hospital.

01:03:25.000 But I do remember on the man show, everything's censored, but they had no idea all the new...

01:03:32.000 Cleveland steamer.

01:03:34.000 So we'd throw all those in.

01:03:37.000 Because they have no idea what a dirty Sanchez is.

01:03:39.000 So just any vulgarity.

01:03:42.000 A dirty Sanchez.

01:03:43.000 Some girl told me that.

01:03:44.000 Yeah, well, you probably did it last night with your story.

01:03:49.000 Are you not allowed to say that anymore?

01:03:51.000 Can you say Cleveland steamer on TV? But as long as you just keep making up, through memes, new ways, new obscenities, you can just keep saying stuff because they'll never know.

01:04:04.000 It's so disappointing that the cuss word thing hasn't been worked out yet.

01:04:09.000 Just that alone deflates all your faith in humanity.

01:04:14.000 Just the idea that you've created the...

01:04:16.000 You've made a word dirty and now you can't say it.

01:04:20.000 Now it's over forever.

01:04:21.000 And you never get those words back.

01:04:23.000 Cunt never makes...

01:04:24.000 Just like, you know, see it on...

01:04:27.000 Whatever.

01:04:28.000 Desperate Housewives or any kind of show.

01:04:30.000 She's a cunt.

01:04:31.000 But there is the idea that if it were completely okay to say it, then we kind of lose because then you don't have any expletive when you really want to deliver a thought.

01:04:42.000 You're a fucking cunt.

01:04:43.000 And if cunt was an okay word to say, then what are you going to say to make someone upset when you want to hurt their feelings?

01:04:50.000 Eh.

01:04:50.000 Call him a fucking dummy.

01:04:52.000 I wouldn't miss it.

01:04:56.000 If cunt lost its impact, I'd be fine with dummy or fuckface or stupid head.

01:05:02.000 That actually makes it easier.

01:05:04.000 Then you'd have to go after them aesthetically.

01:05:07.000 You're unpleasing to the eye.

01:05:09.000 Yeah.

01:05:11.000 Yeah.

01:05:12.000 Well, just their personality sucks a fat dick.

01:05:16.000 You're boring.

01:05:17.000 You could never insult me more.

01:05:20.000 You're boring.

01:05:22.000 Oh, that's my biggest fear.

01:05:24.000 You tapped into it.

01:05:25.000 Shouldn't have said that either.

01:05:27.000 There was a dude once, I'll never forget this, I was watching one of those Jenny Jones shows, and there was a girl, and she was on with her mother, and her mother was upset because the girl was dressing trashy, and the girl was like, I don't give a fuck, like a beep, whatever, and your mother beep,

01:05:43.000 say, you know, I know I look good, I know I look good, and some guy got up, and he goes, The problem is it's all about your personality.

01:05:51.000 He goes, if you had some pizazz, maybe you would pull that off.

01:05:55.000 But your personality sucks.

01:05:57.000 And that make you look nasty.

01:06:01.000 I'll never forget him saying that.

01:06:03.000 He goes, your personality sucks.

01:06:06.000 And that made you look nasty.

01:06:07.000 And the place just fell out.

01:06:09.000 Because it's like black people have a certain way of saying things.

01:06:13.000 And they say things and they know how to phrase it that they know at the end of that sentence, everyone around them is going to go, OH SHIT! Oh, shit!

01:06:23.000 Because when he did it, it was like an actor.

01:06:25.000 He was in a movie.

01:06:26.000 He had the perfect line.

01:06:28.000 He practiced it for weeks.

01:06:29.000 Because your personality sucks.

01:06:31.000 And that made you look nasty.

01:06:33.000 And when he said nasty, he knew it was coming.

01:06:35.000 He knew it was coming.

01:06:36.000 Everybody behind him was like...

01:06:37.000 The whole crowd just went nuts.

01:06:40.000 And that girl was like, damn.

01:06:43.000 This motherfucker just dressed me down and called me out.

01:06:47.000 It was beautiful.

01:06:48.000 I played my first black room the other day, Doug.

01:06:51.000 It was a casino.

01:06:53.000 I was the only white comic.

01:06:56.000 I thought it was going to be a regular black club, but it was a bingo and a slot place.

01:07:00.000 It was just 60-year-olds and up, for the most part, in those little crickets or whatever, the little wheelchairs.

01:07:07.000 I go, you know, I'm a dirty fucking comic.

01:07:11.000 The MC was like, don't worry.

01:07:13.000 They love dirty material.

01:07:15.000 I'm like, And the whole thing got broadcast throughout the whole casino, so everyone in the casino could hear it.

01:07:20.000 Oh no!

01:07:20.000 And so the first person comes up and she's taking questions like, have you ever met Will Smith or something like that?

01:07:28.000 And they're just talking about it.

01:07:29.000 And then they're like, oh, and here's Brian Redband.

01:07:31.000 I come out and start talking and doing pussy jokes and cum jokes.

01:07:35.000 Man, that was the most horrible fucking set I've ever done in my life.

01:07:39.000 They didn't laugh at all?

01:07:41.000 There was little pockets where you could tell there was one or two people that were getting it.

01:07:46.000 Or at least enjoying the discomfort of the rest.

01:07:50.000 Much more likely.

01:07:51.000 Yeah, the staff told me they loved it.

01:07:52.000 They said they were cracking their ass off, but that was probably because they were laughing at me having to do all this in front of it.

01:07:57.000 And how did the old people, did anybody yell at you?

01:08:00.000 No, actually no one just said anything.

01:08:03.000 One of the ladies in the crickets or whatever they're called did leave and I don't know where she went.

01:08:09.000 Me and Becker played a bus once in our early days, in the early 90s.

01:08:13.000 In Minnesota there was a bus that would take people from Minneapolis to the Indian Casino like an hour and a half away.

01:08:20.000 They'd hire a comedian.

01:08:21.000 Did you just walk up and down the aisle with a cordless mic?

01:08:24.000 No.

01:08:24.000 And we dared each other.

01:08:25.000 We were both going to do it one time, and I was up first, and the bus, we see the people getting on, and they're elderly, not just old.

01:08:34.000 They're elderly.

01:08:36.000 And I'm like, even if I did clean material, it has no reference to them.

01:08:40.000 They wouldn't even understand what Columbia House Record and Tape Club is.

01:08:46.000 So I go, you have to do this.

01:08:48.000 I can't do this.

01:08:49.000 And I'm in a sheer panic.

01:08:51.000 Flop sweats just thinking about watching them go on the bus.

01:08:55.000 And he's like, no, you're going first.

01:08:57.000 Becker's a ball buster.

01:08:58.000 No, it's you!

01:08:59.000 It's your turn!

01:09:00.000 Good luck, buddy!

01:09:01.000 And I get on, and they give me the mic, and I look at Becker.

01:09:04.000 He's sitting in the stairwell of the bus, and I go, all right, I'm stealing your act.

01:09:10.000 Here, count.

01:09:11.000 I go, count.

01:09:13.000 I'll give you a dollar for every one of the jokes of yours I use, and I did Becker's act.

01:09:19.000 I used to sell doorbells door to door.

01:09:22.000 I ring the doorbell, they answer the door and go, oh, next house.

01:09:25.000 Fitzsimmons and I got a gig once when we were hired by a company.

01:09:29.000 They wanted comedians to just walk around this aquarium and make funny things and talk to people and be funny.

01:09:38.000 And we were like, well, what's the parameters?

01:09:40.000 Like, what should we do?

01:09:41.000 Like, well, you know, just be funny.

01:09:42.000 Go around and be funny.

01:09:44.000 So, Greg, this was in Greg's young, angry days.

01:09:47.000 Oh, they're still here.

01:09:49.000 I did his podcast a few weeks ago, and he was about to get into a fistfight with the owner of the place he rents his studio from.

01:09:57.000 Really?

01:09:57.000 As he's coming in, I'm like, hi!

01:09:58.000 And he's like, fuck you!

01:10:00.000 Yeah, you want to fucking go?

01:10:01.000 I'll fuck you!

01:10:02.000 What?

01:10:03.000 Greg Fitzsimmons?

01:10:03.000 And then walks right past me and goes, hey, like he didn't even recognize me.

01:10:06.000 He's just, I'm boiling mad.

01:10:09.000 Like, you don't see.

01:10:10.000 Wow!

01:10:11.000 That's crazy sauce.

01:10:13.000 But anyway, back to his earlier angry days.

01:10:16.000 He just, there was like, it was the opening of this aquarium or opening of an exhibit, I guess.

01:10:22.000 And so they had like food out there and people were walking around plates.

01:10:26.000 And Greg would just walk up to people and take food off their plates and eat it right in front of them.

01:10:30.000 That was what he thought was funny.

01:10:32.000 He's so nice.

01:10:33.000 He's a great guy.

01:10:34.000 He's a great guy.

01:10:35.000 He was trying to be funny.

01:10:37.000 He was trying to push the envelope.

01:10:38.000 He was trying to get a guy to go, what the fuck, man?

01:10:40.000 What are you doing?

01:10:41.000 But he did it to this guy.

01:10:42.000 This guy was so defeated.

01:10:44.000 The guy goes, you're an asshole.

01:10:46.000 And he did it like that.

01:10:47.000 You're an asshole.

01:10:50.000 And he just walked away.

01:10:51.000 And I go, hey man, you can't be taking food from people.

01:10:54.000 Is he into bondage?

01:10:56.000 He goes, I'm just trying to joke around.

01:10:57.000 I thought it would be fun to joke around.

01:10:58.000 Is he into bondage?

01:10:59.000 Does he like to be spanked and tight and stuff?

01:11:00.000 That's Duncan.

01:11:01.000 That's Duncan.

01:11:03.000 Duncan's into ballgags and shit.

01:11:06.000 He goes, I'm not into it!

01:11:08.000 I've experienced it!

01:11:10.000 I'm not into it, man!

01:11:12.000 Stop saying I'm into it!

01:11:14.000 That is not me!

01:11:15.000 I love it.

01:11:17.000 And then he told me that one time he said, I was joking, man.

01:11:20.000 You didn't know I was joking.

01:11:21.000 I'm like, dude, no you weren't.

01:11:22.000 About like ball gags and shit?

01:11:25.000 Wearing diapers and stuff.

01:11:26.000 Well, maybe.

01:11:27.000 Yeah, I'd draw the line.

01:11:28.000 I'm into that stuff too, but I'd draw the line at diapers.

01:11:31.000 Yeah, that seems a little silly.

01:11:32.000 That seems unnecessary too.

01:11:34.000 You gotta try it, Brian.

01:11:35.000 Trust me, man.

01:11:36.000 Trust me.

01:11:37.000 It's great.

01:11:37.000 Hey, everybody.

01:11:38.000 I'm wearing a diaper.

01:11:43.000 Duncan is another place on the spectrum that you wouldn't have known existed if it wasn't for Duncan.

01:11:48.000 You know, you wouldn't have known there's a Duncan Trussell out there.

01:11:50.000 I fucking love Duncan.

01:11:52.000 It's amazing.

01:11:53.000 You know, he just had a cancer surgery.

01:11:55.000 Oh, that's right.

01:11:56.000 How did that go?

01:11:57.000 He said he feels better than he's ever felt before.

01:12:00.000 He goes, turns out, having cancer makes you feel like shit.

01:12:04.000 They cut the cancer out, and now he feels great.

01:12:07.000 He had one of his nuts removed.

01:12:09.000 Now, is it okay?

01:12:10.000 Somebody told me it was infected or something.

01:12:12.000 He said he's shooting the biggest, most giant loads he's ever had in his life.

01:12:15.000 He said his dick is hard, like high school-style boners.

01:12:19.000 Apparently, his whole body was fucked because one of his balls had shut down, and it was going funky on him.

01:12:25.000 This was crazy.

01:12:26.000 Yeah, I just went through a ball thing right when that happened.

01:12:30.000 A ball thing?

01:12:30.000 Yeah, I did this crazy flight to get diamond status.

01:12:35.000 And I didn't know if it was flight related.

01:12:36.000 I flew from Tucson to Johannesburg to Amsterdam to Vegas back home through Salt Lake.

01:12:43.000 And just to get 23,000 miles in 72 hours.

01:12:49.000 And what happened to your balls?

01:12:49.000 On the last flight, I just started getting this fucking wicked ball paint in my left nut.

01:12:55.000 And then, by the second day, I could get it, it was okay, but if I got up to stand up, it would just almost floor me, like tears in my eyes.

01:13:09.000 Whoa!

01:13:10.000 Like someone twisting the fucking back, that back cord on your neck.

01:13:17.000 Holy shit.

01:13:18.000 I don't go to doctors unless it's necessary, but I did tweet about it.

01:13:24.000 That's how I get my medical advice.

01:13:25.000 I go on Twitter and go, hey, my ball really hurts.

01:13:28.000 Did you pull your groin?

01:13:30.000 The doctor that's always on O&A. Dr. Oz?

01:13:34.000 Yeah.

01:13:34.000 Wait, no.

01:13:35.000 No, Dr. Steve.

01:13:36.000 Dr. Steve, yeah.

01:13:36.000 Thank you.

01:13:37.000 Dr. Oz.

01:13:38.000 So he walked me through.

01:13:40.000 I thought you said Oprah.

01:13:41.000 It's almost definitely this.

01:13:43.000 So I had a friend who brought over some antibiotics that had been sitting in their cupboard.

01:13:49.000 So what did he say was almost definite?

01:13:52.000 I forget.

01:13:54.000 Epidemic.

01:13:55.000 It begins with an E. And it ends with an ITS. So you never went to a doctor?

01:13:59.000 You just talked to Dr. Steve?

01:14:01.000 Yeah.

01:14:01.000 I talked to Dr. Steve and found a lady in town that had some...

01:14:07.000 Some meds?

01:14:08.000 Stashed antibiotics.

01:14:09.000 I didn't take the full run, but...

01:14:11.000 We have to do that!

01:14:14.000 You're gonna cause AIDS. You're gonna cause super AIDS. Do you know the whole deal?

01:14:17.000 You know.

01:14:18.000 You're not dumb.

01:14:19.000 You know the whole deal behind that, right?

01:14:20.000 Like the antibiotics, the reason why you have to take the full dose?

01:14:23.000 Yeah.

01:14:23.000 Yeah, you create stronger strains of bacteria to the point where they can't be treated.

01:14:28.000 That's where MRSA comes from.

01:14:29.000 Yeah, well, it's in my balls, and I don't really fuck anymore, so I figure it's safe.

01:14:33.000 You say that, but it can get out.

01:14:34.000 They can creep out of your underwear in the middle of the night, crawl down near your ankles, and then fucking jump free when they're close to the ground.

01:14:42.000 You're walking through tall grass, like, it's time to make our move!

01:14:46.000 It's like a heartburn commercial.

01:14:47.000 Jump off and then they jump on a baby.

01:14:48.000 It's still living on my jockstrap because I said, well, make sure you're wearing something supportive.

01:14:52.000 I was wearing a jockstrap that I'm still wearing and haven't washed.

01:14:56.000 This is two and a half weeks later.

01:14:58.000 But when it was in full bloom, I couldn't push a piss.

01:15:02.000 I'd piss, but when I get to the end part.

01:15:05.000 So, yeah, I am wearing a filthy...

01:15:08.000 To this day?

01:15:09.000 Yeah.

01:15:10.000 Why?

01:15:11.000 In this chair.

01:15:12.000 Why?

01:15:13.000 To keep my balls close to them.

01:15:14.000 I'm scared.

01:15:15.000 You're scared to let them go?

01:15:17.000 Yeah, my balls hang so badly.

01:15:20.000 Do they hang bad?

01:15:21.000 Ridiculous.

01:15:22.000 Get some underwear just one size too tight.

01:15:24.000 I did that, but I still am wearing the jock strap just to be safe.

01:15:29.000 And you don't wash this thing?

01:15:30.000 I haven't because I didn't want to be without it for a laundry cycle.

01:15:34.000 You need to go to a doctor.

01:15:35.000 It's like my teddy bear now.

01:15:37.000 You need to go to Duncan's doctor.

01:15:38.000 It's like my pig pen blanket that I won't give up.

01:15:42.000 It's your gawky.

01:15:44.000 Oh, no.

01:15:45.000 Maybe you should just buy more of them, though.

01:15:47.000 Like, who's that guy that...

01:15:47.000 Yeah, I should.

01:15:48.000 I should do a lot of things.

01:15:49.000 I should listen to the fucking McAfee Rogan podcast.

01:15:53.000 I've been busy.

01:15:54.000 I've been dealing with fucking legal briefs.

01:15:57.000 Yeah, is this because you...

01:15:58.000 Well, you can't say.

01:15:59.000 Yeah, I'll talk, but after.

01:16:00.000 After, after.

01:16:01.000 Yeah, we'll have to discuss this because the whole thing is pretty fucking hilarious.

01:16:04.000 It is wicked fucking funny to hear it.

01:16:07.000 You're not involved, you don't do any more of that trolling for pedophile shit that you used to do?

01:16:12.000 No.

01:16:12.000 Baiting.org?

01:16:13.000 No, but it's mentioned in the legal brief.

01:16:15.000 Is it really?

01:16:16.000 Yeah, I'll show you.

01:16:16.000 Oh, this is like standard characteristics of Mr. Standover.

01:16:25.000 But in the end, as long as you can talk about it on stage, it's so worth it.

01:16:29.000 Whatever you have to pay.

01:16:31.000 There's footage that we need to get released.

01:16:33.000 It's on tape.

01:16:34.000 It's fucking complete Chris Hansen caught on tape.

01:16:38.000 Wow, that's hilarious.

01:16:40.000 That is hilarious.

01:16:42.000 That's funny.

01:16:44.000 Okay, we can't talk about this.

01:16:45.000 We're wasting our fucking time.

01:16:47.000 Yeah, do something you haven't planned.

01:16:49.000 I have to piss really, really bad.

01:16:50.000 Okay, you go ahead and piss really, really bad.

01:16:52.000 Go to break.

01:16:53.000 We're going to talk about school shootings.

01:16:55.000 We're going to cheer everybody up.

01:16:57.000 Go down first door on the right-hand side.

01:17:00.000 So, you know...

01:17:05.000 No, it's just like a skull.

01:17:07.000 There's these tests to do, like MDMA, Molly.

01:17:12.000 You could test the purity of it.

01:17:14.000 And I forget what it was.

01:17:15.000 It was like, if it turns blue, it's pretty good.

01:17:17.000 It's pretty pure.

01:17:18.000 If it turns purple, it's amazing.

01:17:20.000 If it starts smoking, it's almost 100% pure MDMA. So the stuff I did last night was smoking, and this rich billionaire guy who parties every day, He's just like, come to my mansion later.

01:17:33.000 We have a party every night.

01:17:35.000 It's crazy.

01:17:36.000 Wait a minute.

01:17:37.000 Hold on.

01:17:38.000 Slow down, you shitty storyteller.

01:17:39.000 Who is this rich billionaire?

01:17:40.000 Where are you when you're meeting this guy?

01:17:42.000 What's going on?

01:17:42.000 No, this is through another person.

01:17:44.000 Oh, through a secret person.

01:17:45.000 Yeah, secret person.

01:17:46.000 Okay, so secret person knows rich billionaire who likes to party.

01:17:49.000 Yeah.

01:17:49.000 Rich billionaire somehow or another gets secret person some...

01:17:53.000 Mali.

01:17:53.000 MDMA, which is a 100% pure one.

01:17:55.000 100% pure.

01:17:56.000 And is that the stuff that gives you no headaches?

01:17:58.000 Right, right.

01:18:00.000 It's pretty much ecstasy.

01:18:01.000 It's just pure ecstasy.

01:18:03.000 It has nothing else in it.

01:18:04.000 So you take this stuff.

01:18:05.000 So I take this stuff, and immediately I had to just close my eyes and fall to the ground.

01:18:10.000 Every single pore in my body felt like there was cum coming out of every single hole in my body.

01:18:16.000 Fucking amazing.

01:18:17.000 Really?

01:18:18.000 Yeah.

01:18:18.000 How much did you take?

01:18:19.000 How many pills?

01:18:21.000 Do you know I could dose?

01:18:22.000 Just the one.

01:18:23.000 Two each.

01:18:25.000 See, that's the problem with ecstasy.

01:18:27.000 It's the same thing, the problem that exists with medical marijuana.

01:18:30.000 It's like your dosage, like who the fuck knows what your dosages are?

01:18:34.000 Like if you buy a cookie, a medical marijuana cookie, you're really taking a crazy giant risk.

01:18:38.000 You really have no idea.

01:18:40.000 The way Redman described it is he has some kind of test, who knows what scientist gave him the information, but if you apply this whatever, To the ecstasy.

01:18:51.000 If it turns blue, it's good.

01:18:53.000 Yeah, he was just telling us that while you were peeing.

01:18:54.000 He was just telling us that.

01:18:55.000 Yeah.

01:18:56.000 Yeah, that's scientific as fuck.

01:18:57.000 That's like a mood ring.

01:18:59.000 A mood ring for heroin.

01:19:01.000 Yes.

01:19:01.000 But it's crazy because I thought your show was at a different theater last night.

01:19:05.000 So I was like, oh, it's at the Pantages Theater.

01:19:08.000 So I got the hotel right across the street from it.

01:19:10.000 And, of course, it was the wrong theater.

01:19:12.000 But it was just awesome how it worked out.

01:19:15.000 They were like...

01:19:16.000 Do you want a king-size bed?

01:19:17.000 I'm like, yeah, sure, king-size bed.

01:19:18.000 And they're like, are you here for business or pleasure?

01:19:20.000 I'm like, oh, we've got this show across the street and stuff like that.

01:19:24.000 She goes, oh, well, let me upgrade you from one entertainment to one.

01:19:27.000 Are you a performer?

01:19:27.000 He goes, I'm a comic.

01:19:28.000 And she goes, then let me upgrade you.

01:19:31.000 Yeah, and so we got like the pimp, like the Puff Daddy suite.

01:19:34.000 Yeah, you told us this already.

01:19:35.000 Rapper Suite?

01:19:36.000 Yeah, but I was off the air.

01:19:37.000 Oh, okay.

01:19:38.000 Sorry.

01:19:39.000 Yeah, that's funny that you thought it was the wrong place.

01:19:42.000 You're so fucked up.

01:19:44.000 Like, learn with theater.

01:19:45.000 It's a name.

01:19:45.000 It's a different name.

01:19:47.000 Right.

01:19:47.000 One starts with a B. Why did I think Pantages?

01:19:48.000 One starts with a W. I don't know, because it's been on my website for fucking six months.

01:19:52.000 Because you love the song Chucky's in Love by Ricky Lee Jones.

01:19:55.000 And that's where Chucky was, sitting behind us down at the Pantages.

01:19:59.000 Chucky's in love, yeah, yeah.

01:20:02.000 But apparently her voice is shot, and she has something called morgellons.

01:20:06.000 Do you know what morgellons is?

01:20:08.000 Hang on, let me get a pen.

01:20:09.000 Is it terminal?

01:20:11.000 No.

01:20:12.000 I need my death pool.

01:20:13.000 I've got to get my death pool picks ready for 2013. No, no, no.

01:20:16.000 Morgellons is what they think is a crazy person's disease.

01:20:18.000 They don't know what the fuck this is, but apparently it's fibers that are embedded in people's skin and you can pull them out.

01:20:25.000 Not only can you pull them out, but somehow or another they're related to nanotechnology and they actually vibrate with music.

01:20:33.000 Like, 8 out of 10 of them.

01:20:34.000 Has Jesse Ventura looked into this?

01:20:36.000 Yeah, a lot of people looked into this.

01:20:38.000 It sounds crazy, but it's actually...

01:20:39.000 Are you telling me there's fibers that react to music?

01:20:43.000 You're telling me that the Pentagon was hit by a plane and there's fibers in her arm?

01:20:49.000 As a former governor, why am I not allowed to just walk into the CIA and go through your files?

01:20:56.000 I'm a Navy SEAL. Why can't I go to Area 51?

01:21:00.000 Pull up pictures of Morgellons.

01:21:03.000 It's a skin disorder and these people get these horrible rashes on their skin and Morgellons disease.

01:21:13.000 Well, Joni Mitchell has it and some famous baseball player has it and if you look at the images it's like, do people have pictures of this shit?

01:21:20.000 It's really strange.

01:21:22.000 They're these tiny fibers and these people, They have like scabs on their skin and these fibers grow out of their scabs.

01:21:30.000 You see that shit?

01:21:31.000 Well, there's doctors that have like, you know, I mean they've done tests on these things and they don't know what the fuck they are and they think that it's related to nanotechnology and with nanofibers and clothing and all these different things that they can self-assemble somehow.

01:21:44.000 Under the right circumstances, they can self-assemble.

01:21:47.000 And when they do, the problem is these things are moving and dividing and growing inside someone's skin.

01:21:55.000 I hate when you're smart.

01:21:58.000 That's not smart, this is repeating shit that smart people have figured out.

01:22:02.000 I know, I hate that you remember all that shit.

01:22:05.000 I read a book about something smart, it's gone.

01:22:08.000 As soon as I shut the book, my fucking head is completely empty again.

01:22:12.000 I find that documentaries, for whatever reason, I can remember things more from documentaries than I can from books.

01:22:17.000 Exactly, and I've always used that argument about people who are fucking, oh, pick up a book every now and then.

01:22:23.000 I don't remember it.

01:22:25.000 Visual, you know, I see something on TV, it sticks in my head more.

01:22:30.000 It's a more engaging medium.

01:22:31.000 It's like what I was talking about last night when people talk to you about Game of Thrones.

01:22:34.000 Like, oh, you should read the book, or you should read the book, they're so much better.

01:22:37.000 I'm like, how the fuck could it be better?

01:22:38.000 I'm looking at naked people and dragons.

01:22:41.000 How could it be better if I'm reading?

01:22:43.000 You're telling me that's better?

01:22:44.000 You're full of shit.

01:22:45.000 You're full of shit.

01:22:46.000 It's not as engaging.

01:22:47.000 I do find that reading helps my creative process because it forces you to imagine.

01:22:53.000 And so it's better for writing if I read something.

01:22:56.000 I thoroughly agree.

01:22:57.000 I absolutely thoroughly agree.

01:22:58.000 What's the fucking great documentary guy?

01:23:01.000 One of Herzog?

01:23:02.000 No, no.

01:23:02.000 He's a British guy.

01:23:05.000 The age of fuck.

01:23:10.000 Campbell?

01:23:10.000 Joseph Campbell?

01:23:11.000 Hannigan, are you listening?

01:23:12.000 Text me.

01:23:14.000 What's it about?

01:23:15.000 The Age of Self.

01:23:17.000 That was a three-part series.

01:23:20.000 Fuck.

01:23:20.000 Is it Chris something?

01:23:24.000 Never mind.

01:23:25.000 Age of Self.

01:23:27.000 Century of Self.

01:23:29.000 BBC. Yeah, what's his name?

01:23:31.000 He's fucking brilliant.

01:23:36.000 Hold on a second.

01:23:37.000 I've got to find out.

01:23:38.000 It's a...

01:23:40.000 Was it a BBC show?

01:23:41.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:23:42.000 Century of Self, BBC. Is that his name?

01:23:46.000 What?

01:23:47.000 No.

01:23:47.000 It's not.

01:23:48.000 Adam Curtis?

01:23:49.000 Yeah, that's it.

01:23:49.000 Adam Curtis.

01:23:50.000 Adam Curtis.

01:23:51.000 That guy puts out some really good shit.

01:23:54.000 Does he?

01:23:55.000 Yeah.

01:23:55.000 There's so many guys out there now putting out some really good shit.

01:23:59.000 This is really, really interesting times.

01:24:03.000 Neil deGrasse Tyson is the first mainstream celebrity new scientist, and it's cool because he's black.

01:24:10.000 He's black and he's funny.

01:24:13.000 He's black, he's funny, he's relaxed.

01:24:15.000 He has to have an earpiece too, just like Dr. Phil.

01:24:18.000 No, no, he's a real fucking super genius.

01:24:22.000 He's cool as shit, man.

01:24:24.000 That guy's badass.

01:24:25.000 And again, Adam Curtis texted.

01:24:27.000 Bam.

01:24:28.000 Boom.

01:24:29.000 Perfection.

01:24:30.000 Say, hey Sussman, text me something.

01:24:33.000 Sussman?

01:24:34.000 He doesn't really text that much.

01:24:36.000 He's not really a texter.

01:24:37.000 I'm just pitting my manager against your manager.

01:24:39.000 Your manager wins in that circumstance.

01:24:42.000 But Google beat your manager.

01:24:44.000 Well, that's one thing where you try to put Red Band against Chaley.

01:24:47.000 I'll lay money on that.

01:24:50.000 What will you lay money on?

01:24:52.000 Jaylee, my guy.

01:24:53.000 I'm calling back to our last podcast.

01:24:56.000 Right, but doing what?

01:24:57.000 Doing what?

01:24:58.000 Whatever I was talking about, and you said, oh, fucking no, there's no way as good as Red Band.

01:25:03.000 Wait a minute, you think your podcast guy, whatever the fuck your guys is, is as good as this motherfucker?

01:25:08.000 All around, tour managing, podcasting, sound.

01:25:12.000 Listen, that's a slave.

01:25:14.000 You have a slave.

01:25:15.000 Brian's not a slave, he's a specialist.

01:25:17.000 No, this guy's a specialist.

01:25:19.000 He's a podcast master slash tech wizard slash silly bitch.

01:25:22.000 He does it.

01:25:23.000 See, he's actually entertaining.

01:25:24.000 He's on the show.

01:25:25.000 He helps the show out.

01:25:27.000 Your guy can suck it.

01:25:28.000 There's no way he's as good.

01:25:29.000 All right.

01:25:30.000 Your guy's not as good as Red Band.

01:25:32.000 You have to set up some kind of alert.

01:25:34.000 Red Band has 70,000 Twitter followers for a reason, because he's beautiful.

01:25:37.000 Look at him.

01:25:39.000 He's awesome.

01:25:41.000 Couldn't do without that motherfucker.

01:25:42.000 Don't you tell me your guy's as good as him.

01:25:44.000 You guys are a goddamn slave.

01:25:46.000 My guy couldn't open the show.

01:25:49.000 You guys are washing your car.

01:25:50.000 You guys are out there fixing your toilet.

01:25:52.000 This guy's a specialist.

01:25:53.000 He's an artist.

01:25:55.000 It's disrespectful to you right now.

01:25:57.000 I feel very disrespectful.

01:25:58.000 Well, I just want him to bet.

01:25:59.000 You started it.

01:26:00.000 I was not ever.

01:26:02.000 I just said he was the best rat manager.

01:26:04.000 Well, listen, we'll give all the money to the homeless porno stars or something.

01:26:09.000 Okay, we'll get all the money to Brian.

01:26:10.000 Yeah, Brian can do comedy.

01:26:13.000 The only problem with my tour manager is everyone hates me.

01:26:17.000 He dresses goofy like me when we go on the road.

01:26:19.000 We went and bought me and Junior Stopka and Carlos Valencia and Bingo and Chaley all on the road.

01:26:26.000 We stopped and we saw Pimp Original kings of comedy suit store.

01:26:31.000 Nice.

01:26:32.000 So I went in and we bought everybody, including Bingo.

01:26:35.000 Big long shoulders and everything.

01:26:37.000 Wide shoulders.

01:26:38.000 Yeah, we all got white except for Junior.

01:26:42.000 Because they're all built for fat people.

01:26:44.000 Right, right.

01:26:44.000 So the rest of us are small, so we had to get white with different I had pink, and Chaley got black, and Carlos got purple.

01:26:55.000 Junior's like six foot something.

01:26:56.000 He looks just like the Indian from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

01:26:59.000 He looks like a retarded Mitch Hedberg, like a misshapen head.

01:27:02.000 Mitch Hedberg, long stringy hair.

01:27:05.000 And she got aqua blue.

01:27:08.000 But Chaley, he'll dress like me in these ridiculous leisure suits, but somehow people take him seriously.

01:27:15.000 And I get a hate mail...

01:27:17.000 From him just going up to introduce the show.

01:27:19.000 Welcome to the show.

01:27:20.000 Turn off your cell phones.

01:27:21.000 We have a great show for you tonight.

01:27:23.000 And someone emailed me.

01:27:25.000 And that first guy with the fucking weird mustache, he fucking sucked.

01:27:29.000 He introduced the show.

01:27:31.000 Yeah, but people know when someone sucks, even when they're just introducing someone.

01:27:34.000 Okay?

01:27:35.000 Your guy can't fuck with him.

01:27:36.000 This guy gets standing ovations when he goes on stage.

01:27:38.000 How dare you?

01:27:39.000 How dare you pit your slave up against my master craftsman?

01:27:43.000 Oh no, my guy's the fucking...

01:27:45.000 How dare you, right?

01:27:46.000 How dare you?

01:27:47.000 My guy can play any bass in the game.

01:27:49.000 Yeah, go play in a fucking band, stupid.

01:27:51.000 Go play in your band.

01:27:52.000 Oh, he can do that, too.

01:27:53.000 How dare you play any bass?

01:27:54.000 He's in a band.

01:27:55.000 Yeah, my song I wrote, Olive Garden Butthole, has been remade five times.

01:27:59.000 Huge in Germany.

01:27:59.000 He gets paid.

01:28:00.000 It's almost as big as David Hasselhoff.

01:28:02.000 He fucking works security.

01:28:02.000 Yeah, that's good for him, man.

01:28:04.000 He's delivering newspapers, too.

01:28:05.000 That guy's a slave.

01:28:07.000 You got a slave.

01:28:08.000 You're taking a slave and you're putting him up against a specialist.

01:28:11.000 That's ridiculous.

01:28:12.000 Brian Redman's legit.

01:28:14.000 How dare you, sir?

01:28:15.000 How dare you?

01:28:16.000 He's mad.

01:28:16.000 Doug's just mad at me.

01:28:17.000 Well, he treats this guy like a slave.

01:28:20.000 I'm just promoting my guy.

01:28:22.000 He sends the guy out.

01:28:22.000 He sends the guy out to go fucking take gum off his tires and shit.

01:28:26.000 Hey, Death Squad, I hope that at Junior Stopka has 50,000 fucking Twitter followers by now.

01:28:32.000 Well, I don't even think...

01:28:33.000 I'm glad you heard about that organically.

01:28:36.000 Yes, totally organically.

01:28:37.000 Everybody was talking about it.

01:28:38.000 Apparently he fucking killed at the Comedy Store.

01:28:41.000 A lot of people saying this is this big guy, crazy hair, I guess.

01:28:45.000 Yeah, like Hedberg, but stringy Indian version.

01:28:48.000 I just started following him on Twitter.

01:28:49.000 I advise you to do the same.

01:28:51.000 We're only at 1,134 fucking followers.

01:28:54.000 I think by the end of this show we can at least get him up to 2,000.

01:28:57.000 I'm not asking for a crazy amount.

01:28:59.000 That's a reasonable request, ladies and gentlemen.

01:29:01.000 Go follow him.

01:29:02.000 It's Junior Stopka, S-T-O-P-K. And the fucking dude looks funny.

01:29:08.000 P.K.A. Stop like stop sign and K.A. You know what?

01:29:11.000 I repeated what you did earlier.

01:29:12.000 You didn't add the A earlier and I asked you if there was an A and you said yeah.

01:29:16.000 And then I did the same fucking thing.

01:29:18.000 See?

01:29:18.000 That's what I'm good at.

01:29:19.000 I'm good at repeating shit.

01:29:21.000 I'm stupid.

01:29:22.000 It's a fucking ruse, ladies and gentlemen.

01:29:24.000 But there's a picture of Junior Sopka and his Twitter file and he's smoking a cigarette and his hair He's long and pulled behind his ears.

01:29:31.000 Two shitty choices in life.

01:29:33.000 He really has no choice what to do with his hair.

01:29:36.000 You see his hair and you go, that's just going to lay like that no matter what.

01:29:41.000 Unless he's got a giant crazy perm.

01:29:43.000 Unless he's got something like...

01:29:45.000 Eddie Bravo spiky thing going on?

01:29:47.000 Maybe you could do that.

01:29:48.000 Do you know Possum Man?

01:29:50.000 No.

01:29:50.000 But he looks kind of like Possum Man for you hardcore Hedberg fans.

01:29:56.000 What is Possum Man?

01:29:57.000 Is that Junior's top guy right there?

01:29:58.000 That's Junior, yeah.

01:30:00.000 Whoa, that's a face and a half right there, son.

01:30:02.000 Holy shit.

01:30:02.000 Is he part Korean?

01:30:04.000 Is he part Korean or part Frisbee?

01:30:07.000 No, he's just straight up retarded.

01:30:10.000 He's great.

01:30:11.000 He is so fucking good.

01:30:13.000 Where'd you pick him up?

01:30:14.000 Chicago.

01:30:15.000 Did you work for Ritter ever?

01:30:17.000 No.

01:30:18.000 One of the things I was saying, I did a bunch of interviews yesterday because my new special just came out and I had to do a bunch of these things.

01:30:25.000 But one of the things I was saying was that a real network, like Desk Squad, we actually have a network.

01:30:33.000 And it's not official, but it's not like...

01:30:36.000 It's not written down in a contract form or anything, but what it is is there's a network of people that are really funny, and they're all connected with each other.

01:30:45.000 And if I tell you about Duncan Trussell, it's because Duncan Trussell's hilarious.

01:30:48.000 If I say, hey, go listen to Bill Burr, I'm not steering you wrong.

01:30:52.000 I'm telling you about really hilarious shit, and that's what I heard about this Junior Stavka kid.

01:30:57.000 I'm like, Doug Stanhope's taking him on the road with him.

01:30:59.000 We're good to go.

01:31:09.000 I love that.

01:31:10.000 I love that that is a real network.

01:31:13.000 Comics are getting support from all these others.

01:31:17.000 You're greenlighting them.

01:31:19.000 You're like, this kid's greenlit.

01:31:21.000 We took him on the road for his first legitimate road trip.

01:31:26.000 To watch with new eyes what you used to be so excited about and you're so bored with.

01:31:33.000 I'm not bored with it.

01:31:35.000 No, I'm saying just the minutiae of him getting a free drink in a bar, that kind of thing.

01:31:43.000 Bingo had to show him how to use a roller bag because he couldn't figure out the button part of it to make the handle go down.

01:31:51.000 He went to a military website to learn how to fold clothes properly to put...

01:31:58.000 Wow.

01:31:58.000 To pack...

01:31:59.000 Can we play some of his shit online?

01:32:01.000 Yeah, I've never found anything where the audio is any good.

01:32:08.000 That's Brian being silly.

01:32:10.000 Is that the real sound?

01:32:11.000 He's got two YouTube things open.

01:32:15.000 Do you got another YouTube thing open?

01:32:17.000 Yeah, he's got Rizzle Kicks.

01:32:18.000 What are you listening to?

01:32:20.000 That was the Rizzle Kicks.

01:32:21.000 Please cancel that.

01:32:22.000 That's killing our bandwidth, son.

01:32:25.000 I see a lady reverse-following me.

01:32:34.000 She's in front of me.

01:32:40.000 Oh, this sounds such...

01:32:41.000 Yeah, there's nothing good on YouTube.

01:32:43.000 Well, you know, that was me until I put out my first CD. I didn't have anything good out there, you know?

01:32:49.000 It's funny that we, you and I, we never would really think of...

01:32:52.000 You don't want to think of that somehow or another we're from a different era, but we really are.

01:32:57.000 Oh, fuck yeah.

01:32:57.000 We came up in the era of no internet.

01:32:59.000 Yeah, we had to send a VHS tape to a club to get booked.

01:33:03.000 It's hard to really wrap my head...

01:33:04.000 Sitting here in this office that we're renting out just to do the internet, you know, with Brian and our...

01:33:12.000 You know, and everybody attached to this, our whole lives, completely different just because of the internet.

01:33:17.000 Is it Jim?

01:33:18.000 This guy right here?

01:33:18.000 That's Jamie.

01:33:19.000 Jamie, alright.

01:33:20.000 Well, you go, it's Brian and I, and then you motion to him.

01:33:23.000 I'm waiting for someone to say his name, so I don't call him that guy.

01:33:26.000 I didn't even mean him.

01:33:26.000 I meant, like, all the people that were there in the beginning of this whole craziness.

01:33:29.000 It's like, it's all because of...

01:33:31.000 I need to back up just for...

01:33:34.000 Oh, what was the giggle?

01:33:35.000 Yeah, the giggle was that that wasn't Hennigan that...

01:33:39.000 Texted me.

01:33:40.000 I can't put Hennigan against Sussman anymore.

01:33:43.000 I just assumed some guy that has my number You can't put Hennigan against Sussman, because Hennigan would probably crack under pressure, and Sussman's got fucking antifreeze in his veins.

01:33:53.000 Trust me.

01:33:54.000 Yeah, but...

01:33:54.000 Fertilizer.

01:33:55.000 That's the reason why you call Sussman the cleaner.

01:33:57.000 Sussman has other clients.

01:33:58.000 Brian works solely for me.

01:34:00.000 You know how many clients he's got?

01:34:01.000 How many?

01:34:01.000 One.

01:34:02.000 Really?

01:34:02.000 Yeah.

01:34:02.000 You have the same deal?

01:34:03.000 No, he's got one other client.

01:34:05.000 Oh.

01:34:05.000 No shit.

01:34:06.000 Yeah.

01:34:07.000 It's like another guy who's a director, and he's pretty low maintenance, but it's three people in the entire agency.

01:34:12.000 All right, good.

01:34:13.000 Beautiful.

01:34:14.000 Yeah, they don't fuck around.

01:34:16.000 Sussman's the cleaner.

01:34:17.000 But he was fucking strong on the Mad Show.

01:34:20.000 He's wrong about a lot of shit, too, though.

01:34:22.000 He told me not to have the Fleshlight sponsor the podcast.

01:34:24.000 Oh, yeah.

01:34:25.000 He doesn't like me talking about this.

01:34:26.000 Yeah, Brian talked me into doing that Oslo DVD. What was wrong with the Oslo DVD? I didn't like it.

01:34:33.000 It was fucking brand new material.

01:34:34.000 If I did that same material nine, six months later, even, it would have been a fucking great deal.

01:34:41.000 Yeah, honestly, that wasn't one of my favorites of yours.

01:34:43.000 No, I hated it.

01:34:44.000 But, you know, and I worry sometimes when someone puts out something that, like, man, like, maybe, like, they're losing enthusiasm or their health's not good, but then you came back before turning the gun on themselves.

01:34:55.000 Holy shit, was that good.

01:34:56.000 In my car, listening, clapping.

01:35:00.000 And laughing while I'm driving.

01:35:02.000 That's what we did when we listened to your fucking Jamie Kilstein podcast.

01:35:06.000 We were in the van with Junior and we were jumping out of our fucking van seats like fucking unruly children going to a special school.

01:35:14.000 Well, you never even saw the Jamie Kilstein delusion videotape that this kid, Brandon, aka the mischief maker on YouTube, put out.

01:35:22.000 Kielstein went on his podcast after.

01:35:24.000 Oh yeah, I did see that on YouTube.

01:35:26.000 That was fucking crazy.

01:35:28.000 And that was sad.

01:35:29.000 There's two parts too.

01:35:30.000 Yeah, I can't watch the rest of it.

01:35:33.000 It's just sad.

01:35:33.000 It ran its course.

01:35:35.000 Yes, it ran its course.

01:35:36.000 And he was talking about it recently on a stage.

01:35:40.000 And he said that he was on a news channel.

01:35:43.000 The way he described the situation was that he was on a news station and that he was saying that rape is bad.

01:35:50.000 And that he got all this hate from the internet.

01:35:54.000 I was like, wow, you talk about painting a fucking biased picture of what actually happened.

01:36:02.000 You know, the idea to me, this is going to drive me crazy to the end of time.

01:36:06.000 One of the things I loved about Bill Burr, there was a video that I saw of Paul Provenza's show, The Green Room.

01:36:12.000 And Bill Burr was on there with Liz Winstead and they were debating back and forth about the whole Tracy Morgan thing.

01:36:19.000 And he's like, what was this, the best stenographer in the history of the world?

01:36:23.000 This fucking guy remembers exactly what he says after a whole hour set?

01:36:27.000 He can tell you exactly the word for word what this guy said and the context in which he said it?

01:36:32.000 Get the fuck out of here.

01:36:33.000 And I was like, thank you!

01:36:35.000 That was on The Green Room?

01:36:37.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:36:37.000 And I so love that Bill did that.

01:36:40.000 But the other thing that drives me crazy about this whole shit, like the Tracy Morgan thing that relates to this, is that everybody wants to pretend that the...

01:36:52.000 There's not an art form in saying unbelievably ridiculous shit that you don't really mean.

01:36:57.000 It's a fucking art form.

01:36:58.000 It's just like N.W.A. talking about shooting cops.

01:37:01.000 They're not really shooting cops.

01:37:03.000 They used to be in a fucking band where they did disco.

01:37:06.000 This is an art form.

01:37:08.000 This is what they're trying to sell.

01:37:11.000 With a guy like Tracy Morgan or a guy like Brian Holtzman or Dice.

01:37:15.000 Have you had Holtzman on?

01:37:17.000 No, we gotta locate him.

01:37:19.000 Apparently he's a meter mate or something.

01:37:22.000 Yeah, but you said he was just out since the fucking Newtown shooting.

01:37:27.000 Talking about it at the Comedy Store?

01:37:28.000 I didn't say that.

01:37:29.000 No, I didn't say that.

01:37:30.000 I thought you were saying he was like, those kids were bad.

01:37:32.000 No, no, that was Susan Smith.

01:37:34.000 He was talking about the woman who drowned.

01:37:35.000 I thought he was out doing...

01:37:38.000 Oh, he would!

01:37:39.000 I'm sure he has.

01:37:40.000 They banned him from the Comedy Store after 9-11 for like a week because they knew he'd say the bad, bad thing.

01:37:45.000 He was saying the bad, bad things.

01:37:48.000 The Susan Smith thing, that was the woman who drowned her kids.

01:37:52.000 Yeah, yeah, I remember.

01:37:52.000 No, that wasn't.

01:37:53.000 I heard a half a conversation.

01:37:56.000 Oh, okay.

01:37:56.000 And I assumed when you said, and he's up there on stage saying these are bad, bad kids anyway.

01:38:01.000 I get it.

01:38:01.000 I assumed.

01:38:02.000 People like Liz Winstead in that video, that shit infuriates me.

01:38:05.000 The idea that you're going to pretend that this is a statement of his opinions and not a ridiculous over-the-top...

01:38:12.000 She created The Daily Show.

01:38:14.000 She's a very intelligent woman.

01:38:15.000 I know, but what's her roots?

01:38:17.000 She's a stand-up.

01:38:18.000 She started out as a stand-up.

01:38:19.000 It's like Chelsea Handler.

01:38:20.000 Where did she come from?

01:38:21.000 Chelsea Handler is, again, she's a good comic, man.

01:38:24.000 She was a very good comic.

01:38:25.000 But I never heard of her ever as a comic.

01:38:27.000 Oh, I knew her.

01:38:28.000 I knew her from the store.

01:38:29.000 I always respected her as a comic.

01:38:31.000 I think she'd be great to get hammered with.

01:38:34.000 Yeah!

01:38:34.000 She's a badass bitch, man.

01:38:36.000 She's a badass bitch.

01:38:37.000 She's legit.

01:38:38.000 And so is Liz Winstead.

01:38:39.000 She's legit, too.

01:38:40.000 I mean, she's really brilliant.

01:38:41.000 But she also has a lot of brilliant people.

01:38:44.000 She's incredibly rigid and stubborn in her ideas.

01:38:47.000 And this idea that, you know...

01:38:50.000 Look...

01:38:51.000 There's a weird idea that if you're in somehow or another making fun of anything gay or somehow or another making fun of anything that has to do with women that you somehow or another, especially coming from the point of view of a white male, which is like we are judged as always being The most fucked up in our beliefs,

01:39:10.000 the least deserving of any slack.

01:39:14.000 You know, the white male is like the real problem in this society.

01:39:17.000 So when a white male is making fun of gays or women, all of a sudden you are anti-gay or all of a sudden you're anti-women.

01:39:26.000 It's completely ridiculous.

01:39:29.000 And I can see the fact that a lot of people feel like there's some back work to be made up when it comes to the gay community, like there's some damage that needs to be covered, because it must absolutely suck to be gay and have to deal with all these fucking people that have an issue with what your natural desires are,

01:39:47.000 with a bunch of other people that have the same natural desires are.

01:39:50.000 With the same natural desires.

01:39:52.000 It's so stupid.

01:39:53.000 So I can see this wanting to protect and defend them.

01:39:56.000 But you can't pretend that someone just fucking around is being serious.

01:40:01.000 Because then you ruin the whole point you're making.

01:40:03.000 Because the whole point you're making, you're making about real people in real life.

01:40:07.000 When Tracy Morgan is like, my son was gay, I stabbed that little nigga.

01:40:11.000 He's not being serious.

01:40:13.000 You're confusing an art form with real life, with the real statements of real life.

01:40:19.000 Well, he is serious in the fact that his child would be a nigger.

01:40:24.000 I mean, technically.

01:40:26.000 He doesn't use the R. Don't you understand?

01:40:28.000 Well, maybe he's from Boston.

01:40:35.000 No, I said nigga, not nigga.

01:40:38.000 The idea that a comic would, you know, would step up and try to say, like, a guy joking around with hecklers about rape is supporting rape culture.

01:40:49.000 Yeah, I know.

01:40:50.000 God damn it!

01:40:52.000 Yeah, there's stuff that will never not make me fucking recoil.

01:40:56.000 Boil with chimpanzee rage.

01:41:00.000 Just fucking wild, dick-biting rage.

01:41:05.000 Ha ha ha!

01:41:06.000 That's the real rage, not human rage.

01:41:08.000 You have a lot less rage.

01:41:10.000 I was watching you last night.

01:41:13.000 I go, Joe has this whole human aspect to him now.

01:41:17.000 I think it might have been when you uttered the word, well, now I'm a father.

01:41:21.000 And you didn't go, normally a comic says, now I'm a father.

01:41:26.000 You go, oh, I never want to hear you again.

01:41:28.000 Right, right.

01:41:29.000 Louis C.K. made that okay.

01:41:33.000 To not go down that...

01:41:35.000 Babies are like little drunk people!

01:41:37.000 I would have never gone that road anyway.

01:41:39.000 I always felt like...

01:41:42.000 For a minute I wasn't afraid of you.

01:41:46.000 You just seemed nicer.

01:41:48.000 I've always been nice, man.

01:41:50.000 I've developed in a very fucked up way.

01:41:53.000 If I look back at my own life, the time when I was in high school, the most important time, all I was doing was fighting.

01:42:03.000 My entire high school life, all throughout my 20s, until 22 years old, the early 20s, All I did was martial arts.

01:42:13.000 That's all I did.

01:42:13.000 So I was just wired for this really crazy reality.

01:42:18.000 It took a long time for me to let that go.

01:42:22.000 It took a long time to come off of DEFCON 4. Let's bring it to 3. I could never do that because physically there's no amount of training in the world.

01:42:36.000 But I would try to get smarter and learn a lot of things so I could repeat things.

01:42:41.000 But I can't do it anymore.

01:42:43.000 Now I read a book.

01:42:44.000 It's fucking gone.

01:42:46.000 We've got to get you some Alpha Brain.

01:42:47.000 Yeah, you gave me some before.

01:42:49.000 Take it with your vodka.

01:42:50.000 It worked as good as that fucking I'm up in it or whatever you're promoting.

01:42:54.000 I'm upping it?

01:42:55.000 What is it?

01:42:55.000 Onnit.

01:42:56.000 It's the same thing.

01:42:57.000 Alpha Brain is from Onnit.

01:42:58.000 Okay.

01:42:59.000 Does it work with you?

01:43:00.000 It's a battle.

01:43:03.000 My dick and my brain are having a battle for who can be the tortoise in the race.

01:43:08.000 Who can be the tortoise?

01:43:10.000 Just take 20 of them, all together, one shot.

01:43:13.000 You're gonna take them home with me.

01:43:13.000 The first time I did your podcast, we fucking promoted your fleshlight.

01:43:17.000 I'm like, I'm going home with one of these.

01:43:18.000 Nope.

01:43:19.000 No, Jill Rogan.

01:43:20.000 No, no, no.

01:43:21.000 Nothing in my fucking stocking but coal.

01:43:23.000 I'm sorry.

01:43:23.000 I should have brought...

01:43:24.000 If you just reminded me, I have a box of them.

01:43:27.000 I'll bring them into you, too.

01:43:27.000 Listen, if it's anything like Bingo's vagina, the fleshlight will just sit there and grow hair because it's unused.

01:43:37.000 Have you completely given up on intercourse?

01:43:40.000 Yeah, pretty much.

01:43:40.000 Unless we're doing a lot of drugs.

01:43:44.000 Drugs still bring out some horny in me.

01:43:46.000 Yeah, like the scratchy horny?

01:43:48.000 No, just like, oh, I feel an urge, so I might as well capitalize while I... And then, yeah, it's seconds and it's over.

01:43:56.000 We tried to fuck once in Oregon, I remember.

01:43:59.000 It was so stupid and pathetic, we just burst into fucking laughter and rolled over.

01:44:04.000 Like, alright.

01:44:06.000 Let's just ride this out.

01:44:07.000 Wow.

01:44:08.000 That's amazing.

01:44:09.000 But again, if you talked to a younger me and said, yeah, I remember you saying it.

01:44:16.000 Oh, the day I don't want to fuck anymore is the day I'm dead.

01:44:19.000 That's me.

01:44:19.000 Today.

01:44:20.000 I'm still the same way.

01:44:22.000 In my 30s, even then it was still kind of fun if someone wanted to fuck you on the road and they're hot and it was quick and easy.

01:44:33.000 You should go to a ball doctor.

01:44:34.000 But that was more about ego than actual...

01:44:37.000 Right.

01:44:38.000 But I don't...

01:44:38.000 Again, I don't miss it.

01:44:40.000 The road pussy was like keeping score.

01:44:42.000 It's like, yes!

01:44:43.000 Successful!

01:44:44.000 It's like fucking Red Man today showing pictures.

01:44:47.000 Easy!

01:44:48.000 Easy!

01:44:49.000 What happens off the podcast stays off the podcast.

01:44:53.000 Omerta.

01:44:54.000 I didn't say about last night.

01:44:56.000 I meant from another time.

01:44:58.000 Another age, era, before cell phones.

01:45:00.000 There's a drawing on his phone.

01:45:02.000 Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

01:45:05.000 Look, at the end of the day, it's not an essential value.

01:45:10.000 You don't need to fuck.

01:45:11.000 And a lot of it is absolutely pointless.

01:45:13.000 And a lot of it is winning.

01:45:15.000 It's a fucking...

01:45:16.000 Yeah, it's a score thing, sure.

01:45:19.000 And it's also like a reinforcement, knowing that people find you attractive and still want to fuck you.

01:45:24.000 People offer me drugs on the road.

01:45:27.000 It's because they love you.

01:45:28.000 Even if you're...

01:45:30.000 Hey, you want to smoke a joint?

01:45:32.000 I go, I don't smoke, but the day people stop asking, I'm going to...

01:45:36.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:45:38.000 The day people stop wanting to fuck you.

01:45:40.000 That's that sad thing where MILFs are dropping hints.

01:45:43.000 Well, we don't, you know, we don't have to stay here.

01:45:46.000 We could get out of here.

01:45:48.000 I mean, I'm just saying.

01:45:48.000 The worst is when chicks that you would never fuck in a million years, but they're your age, so you should be fucking them.

01:45:57.000 And you're like, I feel really bad that I just realized that I should be fucking someone like you.

01:46:05.000 Have you ever run into one of your old girlfriends and she's like 45 now?

01:46:09.000 Oh, it's terrible.

01:46:10.000 It's the fucking worst.

01:46:13.000 That have lived a normal Massachusetts life.

01:46:17.000 They're the lunch lady now.

01:46:19.000 That's the fucking lunch lady.

01:46:20.000 Shovel and snow makes you age three times as fast.

01:46:25.000 I just got divorced.

01:46:27.000 I got married when I was 20 years old to a girl I knew for two weeks that was my secretary in fraud telemarketing.

01:46:34.000 And it was a drunken goof Vegas, you know, hey, let's go get married.

01:46:37.000 And so now I just got divorced finally, because I know it's on paper out there.

01:46:43.000 Did you have to pay her anything?

01:46:44.000 No, no.

01:46:45.000 She's, I think, married to another guy.

01:46:47.000 She was a psychotic.

01:46:49.000 She was, like, really a pathological liar, fucking crazy.

01:46:53.000 But she was great in bed.

01:46:54.000 But she was, like, 12 years older than me.

01:46:57.000 Was she great in bed?

01:46:57.000 No, no.

01:46:58.000 No?

01:46:59.000 No, she was, like, evil crazy.

01:47:01.000 Oh.

01:47:02.000 No, she might have shot up Sandy Hook.

01:47:04.000 Whoa.

01:47:06.000 But the point is she was 11 years older than me and not really attractive at that point.

01:47:13.000 So now that means I was married to a 57-year-old woman.

01:47:19.000 Like if I saw her, I'd be like, that's my wife.

01:47:22.000 I wish I could have seen her to go, I'm married to her!

01:47:26.000 I remember before I ever met you, I saw photos of you.

01:47:30.000 I think that before I ever met you, people were telling me you were really funny, and I saw a picture of you at the Houston Laugh Stop, and you had long, sexy hair.

01:47:40.000 Long, beautiful hair.

01:47:43.000 And I was like, look at this asshole with his long hair.

01:47:46.000 Are you telling me this guy's funny?

01:47:48.000 Everybody's like, tell him this.

01:47:49.000 Doug Stanhope guy's really funny.

01:47:52.000 You said something once, and I repeat it all the time in the podcast.

01:47:55.000 We had a conversation, and you were a little lit up while we were talking on the phone, and you said, I could give up comedy, but I couldn't give up comics.

01:48:01.000 Yeah, no, I fucking say that sober, too.

01:48:04.000 I miss comics so much.

01:48:06.000 It's just such an ease about being around them.

01:48:09.000 That's why the fucking industry in the green room was such a vulture.

01:48:14.000 You just fucking leech off of...

01:48:17.000 Is that you?

01:48:18.000 Oh, yeah.

01:48:18.000 That was 1995. God, that doesn't even look like you.

01:48:24.000 I bought that suit at a thrift store for the finals of the San Francisco Comedy Competition.

01:48:29.000 That's not even your fucking head.

01:48:31.000 That's my face.

01:48:32.000 That's weird.

01:48:33.000 That's like when you see Charlize Theron.

01:48:37.000 No, not Charlize Theron.

01:48:39.000 Who's the other chick?

01:48:41.000 Yeah, Charlize Theron in Sleeping Beauty when they make her look like she's 20 again.

01:48:47.000 Oh.

01:48:49.000 We're just looking at pictures of Doug Smith.

01:48:51.000 There you go.

01:48:52.000 Okay.

01:48:52.000 Look at this album coming.

01:48:53.000 Unfortunately, Google spoke.

01:48:54.000 This is great.

01:48:56.000 I think the first time I saw you, though, was at that little place.

01:49:00.000 The Union.

01:49:00.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:49:02.000 And my mother was performing.

01:49:05.000 That was that little place that was on Sunset, right?

01:49:07.000 I was horrified, yeah.

01:49:08.000 It was beside the place that was cool.

01:49:10.000 Yeah.

01:49:10.000 That Jay Davis ran.

01:49:12.000 Yeah.

01:49:13.000 I forget the name of that place.

01:49:14.000 Jay Davis is a fucking hoofer.

01:49:18.000 Yeah.

01:49:18.000 You're talking about a dude who puts in the hours.

01:49:20.000 He's a late-aged Josh D. Donato, if I can throw him.

01:49:24.000 Go to a fucking...

01:49:26.000 Who actually started Largo and then when it became cool, fucking cool people took it away from them and go, alright, thanks for throwing all those flyers on cars for three months.

01:49:36.000 We've got to move on to Greener Pastures, son.

01:49:40.000 Yeah, that place, that little small tiny place, that was the first time.

01:49:43.000 That's where I met Renee, my latter day wife.

01:49:49.000 The Nancy to my Sid.

01:49:51.000 The Wanda to my Bukowski.

01:49:53.000 I still like her.

01:49:56.000 She hasn't talked to me in years.

01:49:57.000 She wasn't a bad person.

01:49:59.000 She had a couple of issues.

01:50:00.000 She wasn't a bad person.

01:50:02.000 I liked her because she liked Ween.

01:50:05.000 Yes.

01:50:06.000 I always thought Ween was Weezer until like a week ago.

01:50:10.000 I love that Hashpipe song.

01:50:16.000 I thought it was Weezer.

01:50:19.000 Hang on, here's Yoko to sing Ween.

01:50:27.000 Spina bifida?

01:50:31.000 Spinal meningitis got me down.

01:50:34.000 How is Yoko?

01:50:37.000 Spinal meningitis got me down.

01:50:39.000 I got roped into when we started the man show there's a club called the 321 in Memphis and Ween was playing the same night I was playing and they did a Ween after party without Ween's knowledge.

01:50:55.000 So they had me go over and introduce the band in front of Ween, and the host of the Mad Show, Doug Stanhope, they're like, the fucking new Mad Show sucks!

01:51:06.000 They're yelling at me, and I'm like, I'm just here to introduce, hey ladies and gentlemen, welcome out, Ween.

01:51:11.000 And one of the band members came to the club afterwards for this pseudo-after party.

01:51:16.000 Renee was so shit-faced, she pissed the couch and went into fucking rehab the next day.

01:51:22.000 That's my ween story.

01:51:23.000 Yeah, that would be unfortunate.

01:51:27.000 The last thing you want to do is go on stage in front of a bunch of people after you just replaced some people on another show.

01:51:35.000 Replacing people.

01:51:36.000 If we just had the Doug and Joe show...

01:51:41.000 Back then it would have sucked anyway.

01:51:42.000 It wouldn't have worked anyway.

01:51:43.000 Now, just in that amount of time, which is ten years, I guess that is a lot of time.

01:51:49.000 Look, if we wanted to do something, what we could do now is we could just produce it ourselves.

01:51:53.000 Just release it entirely on the internet.

01:51:56.000 Exactly.

01:51:57.000 That's completely possible.

01:51:58.000 I'm out of my record contract.

01:52:00.000 Now I can do fucking DVDs, Louis C.K. style.

01:52:03.000 Oh, really?

01:52:04.000 Fucking Louis C.K. Hey, fucking return a call, cunt!

01:52:09.000 What's the matter?

01:52:10.000 I'll tell you off the air.

01:52:11.000 He's kind of busy, that guy.

01:52:12.000 Yeah.

01:52:13.000 He's too busy, I think.

01:52:15.000 You stop and think about what he does, editing, writing, producing, and performing in his own show, and writing an hour of new comedy every year.

01:52:22.000 Did I tell you when I did the part for him?

01:52:24.000 No.

01:52:25.000 When I did the thing on Louis...

01:52:28.000 He called me and he said, hey, do you do any acting?

01:52:32.000 And I said, no, I suck at it.

01:52:33.000 I was very open.

01:52:34.000 I suck at acting.

01:52:36.000 Again, just knowing that...

01:52:37.000 I'm glad the TV with my face is not where I can see it in this studio.

01:52:42.000 Because that just...

01:52:44.000 Just seeing me in the monitor on the mansion, I fucking...

01:52:46.000 I see my head.

01:52:47.000 I freeze up.

01:52:50.000 I said, I suck at it.

01:52:52.000 He goes, yeah, but would you want to?

01:52:54.000 Yeah.

01:52:56.000 And I said, I'll try it.

01:52:57.000 I'm just telling you up front, I stink at acting.

01:53:00.000 And so we read through the part via Skype, and he said, okay, we read through it once, do this different, try this, get familiar with the material, and we'll do this again in a couple of days.

01:53:12.000 And I said, okay.

01:53:14.000 And then I'm walking around my backyard.

01:53:16.000 I'm doing the lines to my dogs, to Bingo, reading, just trying to get it fucking right.

01:53:23.000 And he didn't call back.

01:53:26.000 So then it's like two weeks later and I'm like, that motherfucker.

01:53:29.000 I told him I suck at acting and you don't even have the decency to call me back and say we went another direction.

01:53:35.000 Right.

01:53:36.000 But then I'm about to do Stern.

01:53:38.000 I'm playing New York, so I'm going to do Stern.

01:53:40.000 So my idea was I'm going to go on Stern.

01:53:43.000 I have these lines memorized.

01:53:45.000 So what I'm going to do is I'm going to insinuate them verbatim into conversation with Stern.

01:53:52.000 Insert them.

01:53:52.000 So months later, when you've booked someone else to play this part, it's going to look like you stole the entire script from my Howard Stern appearance.

01:54:03.000 And then he called and said, oh, I'm sorry, I was busy.

01:54:05.000 You get the part.

01:54:07.000 I want to do the stirring thing.

01:54:10.000 Yeah, no, I think he's almost too busy.

01:54:13.000 I love the fact that he's so inspirational with all the different shit that he's doing.

01:54:18.000 But at a certain point in time, you look at the pace that he's putting.

01:54:22.000 I'm just doing the math, and I'm not that good at math.

01:54:25.000 But when I do the math, I go, this doesn't seem like a lot of time for fun there.

01:54:29.000 Like, this seems like a crazy pace.

01:54:32.000 Like, doing a show, recording a show, editing it, producing it, and then doing a whole hour of stand-up every year.

01:54:39.000 Like, wow.

01:54:40.000 Yeah, no, he called me about something.

01:54:42.000 That's why I'm saying, hey, fucking Louie, call me back.

01:54:45.000 Or email me back because I don't know what you fucking check anymore.

01:54:48.000 But he called me about something and I've been trying to follow up on it.

01:54:51.000 Oh, okay.

01:54:52.000 I'm not like, hey, I want to talk, man.

01:54:54.000 Now that you're big and famous, let's chat.

01:54:57.000 I'm not that guy.

01:54:58.000 I'm just saying.

01:54:58.000 Why don't you stay in my house?

01:54:59.000 You don't need to go to a hotel.

01:55:00.000 He's the guy that emails you from a different email address every fucking time.

01:55:04.000 I don't know which one to contact you back at.

01:55:07.000 Oh, that's funny.

01:55:08.000 Yeah.

01:55:09.000 Isn't it funny?

01:55:10.000 The pressures of stardom.

01:55:11.000 And then you also have the thing, well, maybe he's telling me to fuck off again, just like I did the first time when I got the part, but he was busy.

01:55:18.000 I don't think it's that.

01:55:19.000 I gotta fuck, I gotta get it.

01:55:20.000 The new CD is so fucking ready.

01:55:24.000 I've got to get something out.

01:55:26.000 Like, when you're doing the material too long, you know if you don't keep doing it, you're going to forget all the nuances of it.

01:55:32.000 When did you release Before Turning the Gun on Himself?

01:55:35.000 That's a year and a half ago.

01:55:38.000 But we taped it July of 10, I guess it is now.

01:55:44.000 Oh, 11?

01:55:45.000 Yeah, July of 11, and then it didn't get released.

01:55:49.000 It released digitally in March of this year, but then Showtime picked it up, so they could only do digital online audio release until Showtime aired it in August, and then they had a 90-day window before we could sell the actual DVD,

01:56:06.000 which is a fucking 8-track tape now.

01:56:09.000 Yeah, I was excited when I saw it on Showtime.

01:56:11.000 I didn't know you were doing it that way.

01:56:12.000 I thought you were just doing it as a CD. I'd rather.

01:56:16.000 I don't like to see myself, but DVDs sell more.

01:56:19.000 What was your deal that you had?

01:56:23.000 You were locked into a deal?

01:56:25.000 Like a long-term deal?

01:56:26.000 Roadrunner had a four record.

01:56:28.000 Why the fuck did you sign that?

01:56:30.000 Because of upfront money.

01:56:32.000 Oh.

01:56:35.000 Yeah, I would never sign like a four or a three.

01:56:38.000 Everything I've ever done is one.

01:56:40.000 Yeah, it seemed like...

01:56:41.000 That's a douchey move, man.

01:56:43.000 Sign you to a four?

01:56:44.000 But they let us out of it.

01:56:46.000 Oh, they let you out of it.

01:56:47.000 Oh, that's cool.

01:56:48.000 Yeah, that's like years.

01:56:50.000 Everything's digital now.

01:56:51.000 Yeah.

01:56:52.000 But again, I'm so backlogged.

01:56:55.000 This material, I'm going to have to go back.

01:56:58.000 I've done so much that I'm going to have to relearn because I have a fucking good chunk now.

01:57:04.000 Yeah, I saw.

01:57:06.000 I saw everything that I saw.

01:57:07.000 I mean, I only watched a certain amount because I was trying to concentrate on my own shit, but everything I saw was completely new.

01:57:13.000 Oh, yeah.

01:57:13.000 A lot of that shit, that'll be on the next one.

01:57:16.000 I have a backlog of other shit.

01:57:19.000 So how much do you have ready for the night?

01:57:20.000 Do you do like an hour, an hour and ten?

01:57:23.000 What I did last night, I had to shave down.

01:57:25.000 I tried to do 40, and I evidently did 50, but that was like cutting out a whole lot of detail.

01:57:33.000 I think we both did the same.

01:57:34.000 I think I did 49, and I think Joey did 30, and then Honey Honey did like 20. It was a long ass show, but it was awesome.

01:57:40.000 That crowd, man, they're amazing.

01:57:43.000 They were like with us.

01:57:44.000 Yeah, Death Squad.

01:57:45.000 We're going to have to, because the Stanhope Sausage Army is like a revolutionary fucking group compared to Death Squad.

01:57:54.000 So I think we might just have to have a branch.

01:57:56.000 You missed what Ben said then, if you didn't see Honey, Honey.

01:58:00.000 Yeah, what did he say?

01:58:01.000 Ben, they were in the middle of playing, and they played this, first of all, they played Angel of Death, which is like one of my favorite songs they do.

01:58:07.000 It's amazing.

01:58:08.000 And then he said, it's so crazy that since we did the podcast, we will go to these places and perform and do these really deep, emotional songs.

01:58:18.000 And you hear, Death Squad!

01:58:21.000 I see almost one Death Squad t-shirt per show at my show.

01:58:26.000 Oh yeah, all day, man.

01:58:28.000 That's cool.

01:58:29.000 They're out there.

01:58:30.000 Well, we talk about, I don't know how it happened.

01:58:34.000 It sort of happened organically.

01:58:36.000 I don't know how we got this amazing following, but they're like the nicest fucking human beings in the world.

01:58:41.000 They're like super enthusiastic.

01:58:43.000 They're super cool.

01:58:44.000 They're everywhere.

01:58:45.000 It's really weird.

01:58:46.000 And it's growing.

01:58:48.000 And the crazy thing is you get these like-minded people that come to these shows.

01:58:53.000 That's one of the more interesting things about it is these people that come to these shows...

01:58:56.000 They're like really friendly, open-minded people who are like...

01:59:00.000 And it all comes from the podcast.

01:59:02.000 All of it.

01:59:02.000 100% of it.

01:59:03.000 I mean, a lot of them were friends of my stand-up before, but this movement all comes from the podcast.

01:59:09.000 But when you realize that kind of power when you get those people together on an anonymous level...

01:59:16.000 I fucking love anonymous so much.

01:59:19.000 Yeah.

01:59:19.000 Where you can actually fucking do some...

01:59:22.000 And not change.

01:59:22.000 Yeah.

01:59:23.000 And not...

01:59:24.000 Let's go to the polls or pick a thing.

01:59:26.000 No, let's do something weird and funny.

01:59:29.000 Let's fuck with it on a creative level that is actually art.

01:59:33.000 Well, in Anonymous' case, you've got to be really careful.

01:59:37.000 If you're a company and you're doing something shady, they'll take you down.

01:59:40.000 They'll go into your infrastructure.

01:59:42.000 They'll figure out a way to hack into your system.

01:59:44.000 That's why you have to do it creatively.

01:59:47.000 I'm an armchair revolutionary at this point.

01:59:50.000 At any point, really.

01:59:52.000 Well, no, I'm not getting fucking tear-gassed at the WTO riots.

01:59:56.000 It's not my thing.

01:59:57.000 I don't run quick.

01:59:59.000 I'm easily winded.

02:00:02.000 But you can do funny shit.

02:00:05.000 I've seen what my fucking fanbase will do when that guy was stealing my shit online, and they just decimated him.

02:00:13.000 Yeah, there was a guy, for folks who don't know the story, somebody sent...

02:00:17.000 Troy Holm was his name, H-O-L-M. Somebody put it up on my message board when Doug found out about it, but there was some character that was taking all of Doug's rants and bits and putting them on a blog!

02:00:32.000 Verbatim!

02:00:33.000 Like taking exact transcripts of CDs or blog updates and then Promoting it on his Twitter.

02:00:40.000 Come read my tales of real life perversion and drugs.

02:00:45.000 He's trying to make himself into some fucking worse.

02:00:50.000 Like a fucking half-ass Tucker Max.

02:00:53.000 And that's a quarter of an ass.

02:00:54.000 Because that guy is the worst piece of shit in the fucking world.

02:00:57.000 Oh, do this, Death Squad!

02:00:59.000 Fucking referendum!

02:01:01.000 Any time you're in an airport or a bookstore and you see a fucking Tucker Max book, take another book and put it in front of the stack because they always front load his books just so no one ever sees the book in the airport.

02:01:14.000 What's wrong with Tucker Max?

02:01:16.000 You know he's a Joe Francis from Girls Gone Wild type of douche.

02:01:20.000 You don't have to do any research.

02:01:22.000 You know immediately he's that kind of fuck that just gets off on people hating him.

02:01:27.000 All you have to do nowadays to be famous is to be easily hated.

02:01:32.000 That's what all those reality shows are about.

02:01:35.000 They just put a dick on the reality.

02:01:36.000 Are you going to watch American Chopper?

02:01:39.000 Do you want to watch people weld for 30 minutes?

02:01:41.000 No.

02:01:42.000 But if someone's going to be an asshole to someone else, and that's creating this influx of people who are like, I want to be an asshole so I can be famous.

02:01:50.000 I want to be a fucking Paris Hilton Kardashian asshole.

02:01:56.000 Anyway.

02:01:56.000 You know what I find fascinating?

02:01:58.000 When people learn.

02:01:59.000 When they try that, and then they learn.

02:02:01.000 And what I really saw that was with Camille Grammer, who was Kelsey Grammer's ex-wife.

02:02:06.000 All right.

02:02:07.000 And it was, you know, she's on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

02:02:11.000 And one of the things, like, you know, they would have each character go out and say who they are.

02:02:15.000 And it's like, you know, I'm finally stepping out of my husband's shadow.

02:02:19.000 And for what?

02:02:20.000 For being a cunt.

02:02:22.000 And that's what she was.

02:02:23.000 For one season, she was a cunt.

02:02:24.000 She was a ruthless cunt.

02:02:26.000 And the backlash, the fucking repercussion, the blowback, was so intense that she completely switched it up on the next season.

02:02:36.000 She's like, I'm done with this.

02:02:38.000 I don't give a fuck what you do.

02:02:40.000 I'm a sweetie.

02:02:41.000 I'll give you a hug.

02:02:42.000 I'll send you on your way.

02:02:43.000 She didn't want any more negative attention anymore.

02:02:46.000 It's like the first season, all she was doing was talking shit.

02:02:49.000 She was married to her husband, and she was riding on motorcycles with other guys, like her friends that were struggling actors.

02:02:57.000 I'm like looking at this like this is disgusting.

02:03:00.000 You have to have people in the industry that work on these shows.

02:03:05.000 Any fucking dirt you can email me anonymously about the fucking reality shows and how exactly they're staged.

02:03:13.000 They're all staged now.

02:03:14.000 I mean, the one that they did at the Comedy Store, when Ari did it, Duncan, God bless him, quit his fucking job.

02:03:21.000 They wanted him to be in on the reality show at the Comedy Store, and rather than be on television, Duncan quit his job answering phones.

02:03:31.000 For real.

02:03:32.000 He's like, done.

02:03:33.000 Duncan has to be making a decent living on the road now.

02:03:35.000 Oh, he is now.

02:03:37.000 Yeah, it's really recent.

02:03:38.000 It's over the last year or so.

02:03:40.000 It's crazy.

02:03:41.000 And that's, again, the podcast, introducing people to his podcast and his podcast taking off.

02:03:47.000 Yeah, it's amazing.

02:03:48.000 He makes a living now selling his posters and t-shirts and then doing gigs.

02:03:53.000 Like, fuck, we gotta get posters.

02:03:56.000 You need to reprint that one, Doug.

02:03:57.000 That's one of my favorite posters.

02:03:59.000 The one where it's all made out of heroin needles and drugs.

02:04:03.000 All right.

02:04:04.000 Oh, my default photo on Twitter.

02:04:07.000 Do you have that original poster?

02:04:08.000 No, that's an old one.

02:04:10.000 If you got any copies of it, I would love to get it to put it up in here.

02:04:14.000 I have one.

02:04:16.000 I don't know if I have that one.

02:04:18.000 No, I just have that one.

02:04:19.000 Do you use it?

02:04:20.000 Oh yeah, it's my favorite poster.

02:04:22.000 For what?

02:04:23.000 A washboard?

02:04:25.000 Jerking off on, so I was thinking.

02:04:26.000 If you can get us a copy of it though, man, I would love to put it up in here because Ari just gave me one of his posters.

02:04:32.000 I'm going to have it framed and put up in here.

02:04:34.000 I know a lot of comics used to do it, but I get head shots, but no one has head shots anymore.

02:04:39.000 They don't exist anymore.

02:04:40.000 I want to do that for my house.

02:04:43.000 Get a comic's headshots and put them on the wall like the old ones.

02:04:46.000 I got really old ones from the Warner Brothers days from 1999. I'll get you one of those.

02:04:51.000 No, no.

02:04:51.000 Oh, of you?

02:04:52.000 Yes.

02:04:52.000 Yeah, fuck yeah.

02:04:53.000 I would love to get everybody's oldest headshots that they have.

02:04:56.000 The most embarrassing ones.

02:04:58.000 I don't know.

02:04:58.000 I don't have them anymore, but I had some ones where I had a leather jacket on, like a tank top.

02:05:02.000 I got some bad ones.

02:05:04.000 Really bad.

02:05:05.000 I have one of me standing in a swimming pool in a suit up to my chest with a wicked Billy Ray Cyrus mullet holding a glass of wine with sunglasses on.

02:05:15.000 That sounds good.

02:05:15.000 Because I thought it's crazy!

02:05:18.000 Two years into the business.

02:05:20.000 You know, here's the hack one that everybody tries.

02:05:23.000 The standing with the mugshot with your name on it.

02:05:26.000 Oh, okay.

02:05:27.000 Oh, God.

02:05:28.000 I tried that one.

02:05:29.000 I tried that one.

02:05:30.000 I tried that one.

02:05:31.000 I couldn't do it.

02:05:31.000 It was just so pathetic.

02:05:33.000 You know Louis C.K.'s one that he had for like 15 years was one of those pictures from when he was like 16 or 17 You get in a strip from sitting in a booth, you put quarters in, and you get a strip of four pictures.

02:05:49.000 For 15 years, I might be exaggerating, but forever, until he was a fucking grown man, he used that as his headshot.

02:05:58.000 Wow, that's funny.

02:06:02.000 Headshots were a funny thing, like Mike Donovan.

02:06:04.000 Do you remember Mike Donovan?

02:06:05.000 Did you know Mike Donovan at all?

02:06:07.000 Too common a name to say no.

02:06:09.000 Really hilarious Boston comedian.

02:06:11.000 But one of the things he said, he goes, any comics that's worth his fucking salt doesn't have a headshot.

02:06:17.000 That's what he always said.

02:06:18.000 Yeah, that's the guy that ruins you as an open mic.

02:06:22.000 You go, oh, I can be unprofessional too without an act.

02:06:26.000 Yeah, he wanted you to be unprofessional.

02:06:28.000 He didn't give a fuck.

02:06:29.000 But he was hilarious.

02:06:30.000 I mean, he was right in certain ways in which you should really be concentrating on is your act.

02:06:34.000 Well, that's why Dane Cook...

02:06:37.000 The hatred of Dane Cook hurt so many comics because they would eschew MySpace based solely on their dislike for Dane Cook, whereas social networking, that's why comedy clubs have comment cards, is to get direct access to the audience.

02:06:54.000 But you don't want to go on MySpace and do a good thing for your career because that's so Dane Cook.

02:07:00.000 Well, fucking get past the Dane Cook and look at how the thing works.

02:07:03.000 There are guys, they do eschew the social media.

02:07:07.000 Bill Burr didn't have Twitter until we signed up for him.

02:07:11.000 Cops are here.

02:07:13.000 Audio issues, take two.

02:07:16.000 Bill Burr.

02:07:18.000 Bingo, right on time with the fucking vodka and grapefruit juice.

02:07:23.000 Perfect.

02:07:24.000 Yeah, I'm a bit liquored up.

02:07:25.000 Yeah, I am as well.

02:07:26.000 I love having this studio though, man.

02:07:28.000 This is fucking great.

02:07:29.000 This is fucking so exciting to have our own space.

02:07:31.000 I was so disappointed when I went to your house.

02:07:34.000 Have I said this before?

02:07:36.000 No, what?

02:07:37.000 That's so normal?

02:07:38.000 No, when you had it in your house, and it was like, it was like, there's boxes of clothes and shit.

02:07:44.000 Like, you always go so far out to make everything.

02:07:47.000 I thought you'd have this, and you're like...

02:07:50.000 Set up.

02:07:50.000 Yeah.

02:07:51.000 Yeah.

02:07:51.000 And we're sitting on a couch like public access TV. Yeah.

02:07:55.000 Both trying to look into the camera but talk to each other.

02:07:57.000 I didn't know how to do it.

02:07:59.000 It took a while to figure out how to do it right.

02:08:01.000 At first I figured out, well, let's just put a little coffee table and some microphones on it and a couch.

02:08:07.000 That would be comfortable.

02:08:08.000 But couches aren't that comfortable, it turns out.

02:08:10.000 No, not to talk to each other.

02:08:11.000 No, couches suck.

02:08:12.000 Office chairs are where it's at, like a good, solid leather office chair.

02:08:15.000 Yeah, and this.

02:08:16.000 And this.

02:08:17.000 Yeah.

02:08:17.000 This oak table.

02:08:19.000 People like wood.

02:08:20.000 Wood feels good.

02:08:21.000 It feels good to put your hands on it.

02:08:22.000 You did it the opposite of how I do it.

02:08:24.000 I would have the whole setup and then not know how to do it.

02:08:30.000 Hello?

02:08:31.000 Well, that's exactly how I would do it if it wasn't for him.

02:08:33.000 That's why he's better than your guy.

02:08:35.000 I'm not talking about the electronics.

02:08:36.000 I'd have someone else do that.

02:08:38.000 I just wouldn't.

02:08:39.000 I'd stutter and go, yeah, this is the...

02:08:43.000 We did that at first.

02:08:45.000 Go back and, if anybody wants to, if you're a fan of this podcast and you're listening, go back and watch episode one.

02:08:50.000 If you have any illusions of how great we are at this, you can see the exact fucking evolution of this sort of thing for us.

02:08:59.000 We were terrible.

02:09:00.000 This is exactly what we want to do at the house.

02:09:02.000 We got the small-time equipment, but we tested it.

02:09:07.000 Sounds great.

02:09:08.000 And we have a thing between the dining room and the kitchen is a table, this shape.

02:09:13.000 Well listen, I got a great solution for you.

02:09:15.000 I know exactly the way to do this.

02:09:17.000 How about this?

02:09:17.000 How about we'll pick up the equipment, we'll order everything for you, we'll have it installed in your house.

02:09:24.000 No, we have the equipment.

02:09:25.000 You got everything.

02:09:25.000 We have the equipment to do it right.

02:09:27.000 We tested it, we did a fake podcast, absolutely shit-faced.

02:09:31.000 Do you have an account to upload it?

02:09:32.000 We have the account.

02:09:34.000 Okay, so you have everything.

02:09:35.000 Yeah, all I need to do is fucking man up and get on a mic.

02:09:39.000 That's it?

02:09:40.000 Yeah.

02:09:40.000 So you're ready?

02:09:41.000 Yeah.

02:09:41.000 Oh, what I was going to say is that we'll set it up for you and put you on Death Squad.

02:09:45.000 Put you on Brian's network.

02:09:48.000 We can do that, too.

02:09:49.000 Well, if you do that, you're going to get way more listeners and viewers, for sure.

02:09:54.000 People are going to know about it.

02:09:55.000 It'll be something.

02:09:57.000 And it'll be awesome.

02:09:58.000 And right now, he's got Kevin Pereira on, who's fucking hilarious.

02:10:01.000 And you and Kevin Pereira would be amazing, if you want to do it that way.

02:10:05.000 It would be easy to promote it.

02:10:07.000 Join Death Squad.

02:10:08.000 Join in.

02:10:09.000 Join us.

02:10:11.000 Join us.

02:10:12.000 Join us.

02:10:12.000 See, I think of Death Squad as anonymous.

02:10:14.000 I don't know how it actually works into actual...

02:10:16.000 Well, listen.

02:10:17.000 This is how it works.

02:10:19.000 The way it works is...

02:10:20.000 I call my fans a sausage army.

02:10:22.000 I call your fans Death Squad.

02:10:24.000 Yeah, it is.

02:10:25.000 We're going to have to succumb to your corporate takeover.

02:10:29.000 Well, we're all the same.

02:10:30.000 It's all the same.

02:10:31.000 See, there's Death Squad, which is...

02:10:34.000 Brian and Joey and Ari and Eddie Bravo and Tate Fletcher.

02:10:37.000 That is Death Squad.

02:10:38.000 That is all of us.

02:10:39.000 That is Duncan.

02:10:40.000 That is you.

02:10:40.000 You're included.

02:10:41.000 Anybody.

02:10:41.000 Death Squad.

02:10:42.000 Honey, honey.

02:10:42.000 Anybody who comes on the podcast.

02:10:43.000 Burt Kreischer is going to mention his name.

02:10:45.000 Powerful Burt Kreischer is unquestionably Death Squad.

02:10:48.000 Except Jamie Kielstein got thrown out.

02:10:50.000 Yeah, he got thrown out.

02:10:51.000 He can make his way back, but he's got to eat meat.

02:10:53.000 Suck my dick.

02:10:54.000 And something happened along the line.

02:10:55.000 You have to start at Sausage Army, Jamie.

02:10:57.000 Something happened along the line.

02:10:59.000 It's meat-related.

02:11:00.000 You're going to have to succumb.

02:11:02.000 Anyway, Brian started the DeathSquad.tv website, and the DeathSquad podcast was sort of like an extension, a branch, and then everyone has their own little branches, you know what I'm saying?

02:11:11.000 Like Ari's got the Skeptic Tank, that's a branch of the DeathSquad network, and it's like we're all...

02:11:17.000 It's all together.

02:11:18.000 I mean, whatever it means.

02:11:19.000 The word is a weird word.

02:11:20.000 It's more like an approval of a group of friends.

02:11:22.000 It's a noise you make with your mouth that means all of us.

02:11:25.000 What we all agree with.

02:11:26.000 And it's something that will come back to haunt you in a court of law.

02:11:30.000 Death Squad.

02:11:30.000 Well, if you called this Death Squad and you're claiming you're not a terrorist organization.

02:11:36.000 It's like a digital mitzvah.

02:11:37.000 I have death in so many of my...

02:11:40.000 I'm gonna be dead someday.

02:11:41.000 It was your first.

02:11:42.000 I have death as a theme in almost all my CDs.

02:11:48.000 Before turning the gun on himself.

02:11:50.000 Die laughing before turning the gun on himself.

02:11:53.000 I didn't even notice.

02:11:54.000 Live from Oslo.

02:11:56.000 That's why I didn't...

02:11:57.000 Listen, I have...

02:11:59.000 The title is the best part of getting the great title for a CD, and that's why that one is a shitty title, because I knew it was a shitty DVD. Well, Lie from the Tabernacle is my last one, and I just didn't know what to call it.

02:12:10.000 I had no idea what to call it.

02:12:12.000 I sat down, and I had no fucking answers.

02:12:14.000 Oh, you should have called me.

02:12:15.000 Yeah, called me.

02:12:16.000 Why, though?

02:12:17.000 I mean, Lie from the Tabernacle.

02:12:18.000 Jack and Dino.

02:12:19.000 I like Lie from the Tabernacle.

02:12:20.000 Where is it?

02:12:21.000 It was at the Tabernacle in Atlanta.

02:12:23.000 It's on JoeRogan.net.

02:12:24.000 I assume it's from fucking Salt Lake City.

02:12:27.000 The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, stupid.

02:12:30.000 See, I'm gonna call it wallet chains and water bottles.

02:12:33.000 Wallet chains and water bottles?

02:12:34.000 See how the more cocktails I have...

02:12:36.000 The more cocktails I have, the more likely I am to call Joe Rogan stupid.

02:12:42.000 Shit gets crazy.

02:12:44.000 I'm fucking two drinks away from fucking Taekwondo.

02:12:50.000 Did you see that photo that was on the cover of the New York Post?

02:12:52.000 The guy got thrown into the train tracks?

02:12:55.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:12:57.000 This man is about to die, and they see the guy trying to climb out as the train's coming.

02:13:01.000 Did you see that shit?

02:13:02.000 I didn't see the unedited.

02:13:04.000 To me, it was more evidence.

02:13:06.000 Avoid conflict at all costs.

02:13:09.000 Everybody that wants a mouth off to people in public, and want to fucking puff your chest out and flare your ego, No, that's why you go on Facebook and say something awful.

02:13:19.000 Go on YouTube.

02:13:20.000 Comment on someone's video.

02:13:22.000 Tell them to die in a fire.

02:13:23.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:13:23.000 Oh, you're a big man behind the keyboard.

02:13:26.000 Yeah, because I don't want to get pushed under a subway, stupid.

02:13:30.000 That's when you're supposed to be a big man.

02:13:31.000 That's called evolution, fuckface.

02:13:34.000 You're a big man when you have a gun.

02:13:35.000 That's why I get a gun.

02:13:37.000 Because you would have punched the shit out of me when I'm fucking weak.

02:13:41.000 Really, it's amazing.

02:13:42.000 You should really be applauding that someone's figured out how to not have to do squats and eat bison meat for ten years.

02:13:50.000 Look at that.

02:13:50.000 That's it.

02:13:51.000 Pushed onto a subway track.

02:13:52.000 This man is about to die.

02:13:53.000 That is a fucked up picture.

02:13:55.000 I wanted to say, Jake LaMotta, in all his fog...

02:14:03.000 Remember when you trained me to fight Tonya Harding?

02:14:07.000 Yes, yes.

02:14:07.000 And you actually tried to train me.

02:14:09.000 Yeah, a little bit.

02:14:09.000 And you laughed hysterically at my complete, absolute ignorance of physical dexterity.

02:14:17.000 She wouldn't sign the boxing gloves that I fought her with because she said, oh, people will just put this on eBay.

02:14:24.000 People being me.

02:14:25.000 Right.

02:14:26.000 Wait, I'm the one asking.

02:14:27.000 So you're saying people will put it on eBay.

02:14:29.000 So those boxing gloves have been hanging up in my house forever, and Jake LaMotta, in all his fog, signed them for me.

02:14:37.000 So fuck you, Tonya Harden.

02:14:38.000 You're not signing my boxing gloves, but now they're signed by Jake LaMotta.

02:14:42.000 Now they're worth a hundred times more.

02:14:45.000 You're pals with Jake LaMotta.

02:14:46.000 Does he live in Bisbee?

02:14:48.000 Yeah, there's no pal.

02:14:49.000 He doesn't know who I am.

02:14:51.000 He's come to my show.

02:14:52.000 We went to his show.

02:14:55.000 We played poker at his house in my house.

02:14:57.000 He has no idea who I am.

02:15:00.000 He's that gone.

02:15:01.000 And if you're on the stanhopecelebritydeathpool.com and you're thinking about Jake LaMotta thinking you're the first person to think of it, no.

02:15:11.000 Bingo already has him and Joey Diaz.

02:15:14.000 You're not supposed to say that.

02:15:16.000 Why?

02:15:17.000 I had fucking Ron Shock, and I feel bad about it.

02:15:20.000 Ron Shock was...

02:15:21.000 Is Ron gone?

02:15:22.000 Yeah, he died.

02:15:23.000 Well, you win.

02:15:24.000 But this is what happened.

02:15:28.000 For full disclosure, I had my list.

02:15:31.000 Every New Year's, me and Joby and Bingo, Joby started this.

02:15:37.000 Like, Death Pool, he started doing it for us.

02:15:41.000 And then it's such a pain in the ass to keep track of.

02:15:44.000 Like, okay, we have 38 people in our pool, and we have money on it.

02:15:49.000 But you have 38 people picking 20 celebrities.

02:15:54.000 So every day someone dies, Joby has to go through who had what, he's had a pain in the ass.

02:15:59.000 So he decided to make this website that does all that for us.

02:16:03.000 That's what stand-up celebrity death pool is.

02:16:06.000 So New Year's Eve is that's when we break out our picks.

02:16:12.000 And we all sit there like, ta-da!

02:16:13.000 Who'd you find?

02:16:14.000 Who'd you find?

02:16:14.000 And another girl, Melissa, holding in our town.

02:16:18.000 And we were too drunk to do it New Year's Eve, so New Year's morning I wake up and Vince Fluke, as a comic, emailed me, Hey, you know Ron Shock has cancer and we want to do a benefit.

02:16:32.000 And so you immediately put him on your pool.

02:16:33.000 And I'm like, we haven't released our picks yet.

02:16:36.000 Oh, you son of a bitch.

02:16:38.000 So do you feel guilty about this?

02:16:39.000 What kind of cancer?

02:16:39.000 No, I did send him some money and I promoted all of his shit.

02:16:44.000 But death pool is death pool.

02:16:46.000 It didn't affect the outcome of Ron Shock's death.

02:16:49.000 But I immediately...

02:16:51.000 I took the Iron Sheik out.

02:16:53.000 I put Ron Shock in and now I'm...

02:16:59.000 Nine days away from fucking first place.

02:17:01.000 Bingo's in third place out of 38. How much do you get for this?

02:17:05.000 It's 50 bucks a piece.

02:17:07.000 I'll get $900 for first.

02:17:08.000 Holy shit.

02:17:10.000 When is it over?

02:17:12.000 People are like, we thought we'd be in your death pool.

02:17:14.000 I'm going to set up a fucking open illegal gambling fucking operator.

02:17:18.000 No, if you want to gamble on your own, you do that.

02:17:21.000 But you can't be in our death pool.

02:17:23.000 Yeah, how dare you?

02:17:23.000 How dare you strangers?

02:17:24.000 Yeah, you make up your own league, we just do all the fucking book work, which is why we were going to stop doing it, because it's that much of a pain in the ass.

02:17:31.000 By the way, how beautiful would it be if this country was so free that you could have a death pool on DougStanhope.com and you could take a little taste.

02:17:40.000 How about that?

02:17:41.000 A $12 billion industry?

02:17:43.000 Hey, we need to create jobs while all the fucking illegal gambling is going to fucking UK, Caribbean, Costa Rica.

02:17:52.000 Yeah, those countries are doing fine!

02:17:55.000 Yeah, you fucks.

02:17:56.000 But they're fucking illegal gambling, and they're getting the $12 billion.

02:18:01.000 Gambling is the one main one.

02:18:03.000 Prostitution, you have the fucking Jesus, and the fucking drugs, and...

02:18:08.000 Gambling!

02:18:10.000 Gambling.

02:18:11.000 Everyone's doing it every...

02:18:12.000 Meanwhile, it's available, too.

02:18:13.000 It's just like drugs.

02:18:14.000 You can go to the fucking corner store, and you can play scratch tickets.

02:18:16.000 You can gamble on something.

02:18:18.000 Yeah, fucking...

02:18:20.000 It's like swear words that, okay, there's kind of a benefit.

02:18:25.000 There's a benefit in drugs being illegal because it's a black market fucking...

02:18:30.000 Okay, I don't have skills.

02:18:32.000 I can't get a job.

02:18:33.000 I have three kids.

02:18:35.000 Oh, I can sell pot.

02:18:37.000 You know what really drives me crazy?

02:18:40.000 Sports gambling.

02:18:41.000 The fact that sports gambling cannot be regulated.

02:18:43.000 They can't figure out a way to just say, listen, if you're an American citizen, you have to do it in American soil.

02:18:48.000 Just gamble on it.

02:18:49.000 Let's cut out all the fucking Belize and Costa Rica shit.

02:18:53.000 Look, you want to keep the economy strong?

02:18:56.000 Let's have it inside America.

02:18:57.000 Let's have legal gambling on illegal American servers that are on American soil.

02:19:02.000 The taxes go to us.

02:19:03.000 Just like government gambling lotto.

02:19:06.000 Scratch tickets only with a chance to win.

02:19:09.000 And by the way, it makes it more fun.

02:19:12.000 If you're watching a fucking football game and you have money on it, it becomes more exciting.

02:19:17.000 Even it's only ten bucks!

02:19:19.000 I bet on every football game...

02:19:21.000 On Sunday and Monday night, and now Thursday, and occasionally Saturday and Tuesday if the stadium collapses.

02:19:28.000 It's the only thing that I miss about working for the UFC is I don't gamble in the fights.

02:19:32.000 Really?

02:19:32.000 No!

02:19:33.000 Well, you could call me.

02:19:35.000 I could.

02:19:35.000 I have before.

02:19:36.000 I hooked up Ari Shafir.

02:19:40.000 Ari Shafir was in Vegas, and Glover Teixeira was fighting.

02:19:44.000 He was one of the best 205-pounders in the world.

02:19:46.000 Nobody's ever heard of him.

02:19:47.000 First time in the UFC. I go, bet that.

02:19:49.000 Bet the house on this motherfucker.

02:19:51.000 I go, bet the house.

02:19:53.000 I don't tell you that.

02:19:54.000 I go, listen, this guy's a savage.

02:19:56.000 I mean, he's straight out of fucking Babylon.

02:19:59.000 Bet the house.

02:20:00.000 Bet everything.

02:20:01.000 What happened to Joey Diaz's fucking great YouTube?

02:20:04.000 UFC pics?

02:20:05.000 Yeah.

02:20:06.000 He's busy.

02:20:07.000 Joey Diaz is too busy.

02:20:08.000 He's too busy.

02:20:08.000 The Church of What's Happening Now, his podcast is almost always in the top ten of iTunes comedy charts now.

02:20:15.000 He's crushing it.

02:20:16.000 Joey Diaz can't go.

02:20:17.000 I mean, you saw what happened when he went on stage last night.

02:20:19.000 He can't go anywhere.

02:20:21.000 Everywhere he goes, he's selling out.

02:20:22.000 Every club he goes, he's selling out.

02:20:24.000 And the club owners, these fucking cocksuckers, they don't want to recognize it, man.

02:20:28.000 They're trying to lowball him and give him shitty money.

02:20:31.000 He's selling out on like Tuesdays and Thursday nights.

02:20:34.000 And they're trying to bring him in on a weekend.

02:20:35.000 I get a whole series of fucking alternative venues.

02:20:37.000 Listen, we're going to do that.

02:20:39.000 I'm going to produce his...

02:20:41.000 He needs to have something in a physical form out there, in a video form.

02:20:45.000 And he needs a DVD. And so we're going to produce it.

02:20:49.000 Yeah, that's Christine Levine, who's like the...

02:20:53.000 She played my party, and the cops, the first time in seven years, were called to my house.

02:20:58.000 And we have live music in the backyard, but we live in a small neighborhood where everyone has to listen to everything we do, including up-tempo conversations people hear.

02:21:08.000 And she went on stage.

02:21:10.000 Within eight minutes, the police were there because of the language.

02:21:13.000 People finally called the cops.

02:21:15.000 She's fucking brilliant.

02:21:16.000 Well, you have a stage in your backyard?

02:21:18.000 Yeah.

02:21:20.000 That quickie says yeah.

02:21:22.000 Everybody does.

02:21:23.000 I have to fucking try to create some semblance of...

02:21:28.000 No, no, you don't.

02:21:29.000 You don't have to live in Bisbee.

02:21:31.000 I love Bisbee.

02:21:31.000 You can go back to Venice, that house with the flag on the front.

02:21:34.000 It's right there.

02:21:35.000 It's ready for you.

02:21:36.000 The one where the homeless people stab each other.

02:21:39.000 I said I do this podcast today because it's Saturday.

02:21:40.000 I know there's no traffic.

02:21:42.000 The idea of traffic.

02:21:44.000 If I fly into Chicago, I will land at fucking 1130 at night So I hate traffic more.

02:21:53.000 It just makes me crazy.

02:21:54.000 I don't have that option because I'm just too busy.

02:21:57.000 Well, you have to live here.

02:21:58.000 Yeah, but the one thing that I wouldn't give up about L.A. is all the people that I know that live in L.A. I mean, if I had to live, like I did when I lived in Colorado, I lived away from everybody, but I saw everybody when I went on the road, so it wasn't so bad.

02:22:10.000 Absence makes the heart grow.

02:22:12.000 When someone I know comes to Bisbee, I feel like I've fallen in love again.

02:22:18.000 Who comes to Bisbee?

02:22:20.000 Fucking Rouse and Henry Phillips.

02:22:22.000 We'll come.

02:22:23.000 We'll come.

02:22:24.000 Next time we do a podcast, let's do it.

02:22:25.000 No, don't come.

02:22:27.000 You would hate it.

02:22:27.000 I would hate it.

02:22:28.000 You would fucking hate it.

02:22:29.000 Why would you think I would hate it?

02:22:30.000 Because you don't like to relax.

02:22:31.000 I do like to relax.

02:22:32.000 You're wrong.

02:22:33.000 I do.

02:22:33.000 Really?

02:22:34.000 Yeah.

02:22:34.000 I can imagine you being so fucking bored there.

02:22:37.000 No, no.

02:22:38.000 Listen, I like to relax.

02:22:39.000 I do.

02:22:40.000 I just like to sit around fat in pajama pants.

02:22:42.000 I don't mind doing that.

02:22:43.000 What would make you think that I don't like to relax?

02:22:45.000 Because you like to do stuff.

02:22:47.000 Yeah, but when I'm done, I like to relax.

02:22:49.000 I do like to relax.

02:22:49.000 But there's no doing stuff to get done from.

02:22:53.000 But in my regular life, though, I like that.

02:22:56.000 You could never do nothing.

02:22:59.000 I would challenge you.

02:23:01.000 To see how long you can do nothing like I do nothing.

02:23:04.000 I can sit in the same pair of pajama pants on the same couch watching the shittiest television shows and doing absolutely nothing.

02:23:14.000 For how long?

02:23:15.000 How many days?

02:23:19.000 I found myself...

02:23:21.000 Well, we were on the road once where Brendan Walsh and I realized we hadn't showered in seven days.

02:23:30.000 What?!

02:23:30.000 So we go, we should really shower, and then we made it to the 8th.

02:23:34.000 Oh my god.

02:23:35.000 How bad do you guys smell?

02:23:37.000 You don't smell bad if you don't exert energy.

02:23:40.000 That's not true.

02:23:42.000 You think you don't smell bad.

02:23:43.000 You change your socks.

02:23:44.000 You change your socks.

02:23:46.000 Yeah, but then your feet still stink.

02:23:47.000 Olfactory senses.

02:23:48.000 But the new socks cover it up.

02:23:50.000 No, they don't.

02:23:51.000 Yes, they do.

02:23:51.000 No, you need baby powder.

02:23:55.000 Olfactory senses.

02:23:56.000 You need baby powder because you sweat because you're exerting energy by going to the store, maybe.

02:24:02.000 Going to the store.

02:24:03.000 Walking to your hotel room.

02:24:05.000 All factory senses apparently only detect changes in smell.

02:24:09.000 That's how people live in shitty areas like we drive through Pennsylvania.

02:24:13.000 Hoarders.

02:24:14.000 Hoarders.

02:24:14.000 People that live in like cow towns.

02:24:16.000 There's dead cats around your pillow.

02:24:17.000 Yeah.

02:24:18.000 They don't smell it.

02:24:19.000 Yeah.

02:24:19.000 People that go to cow towns and you know, how the fuck do people live here?

02:24:23.000 The people that live there, they don't smell it.

02:24:25.000 Because your nose detects changes in smell.

02:24:28.000 It's really weird like that.

02:24:29.000 Yeah.

02:24:30.000 That's how homeless people go.

02:24:31.000 What do you mean?

02:24:32.000 I can't get a ride.

02:24:33.000 I'm stinking up your car.

02:24:34.000 Yeah, I can only sit around for a few hours.

02:24:37.000 I unfortunately have a furnace that I have to throw wood into.

02:24:42.000 I gotta keep moving.

02:24:44.000 This is who I am.

02:24:45.000 You have a furnace?

02:24:46.000 Inside me.

02:24:47.000 Inside my soul.

02:24:48.000 Oh, okay.

02:24:49.000 It's a metaphor for a cum.

02:24:51.000 It's a metaphor for an angel cum.

02:24:54.000 Picture Joe Rogan living off the grid.

02:24:57.000 I would like to.

02:24:58.000 Look, I tried to do that.

02:24:59.000 When I lived in Colorado, I pretty much lived off the grid.

02:25:02.000 The house that I was at was like eight miles down a dirt road in the woods.

02:25:06.000 No, I mean off the grid, like Bisbee off the grid, where there's a whole community that's off the grid, solar.

02:25:12.000 This be solar?

02:25:13.000 A lot of it is solar?

02:25:14.000 No, they have a whole community off the grid.

02:25:16.000 They don't have electric bills.

02:25:18.000 It's all solar.

02:25:19.000 Yeah, no, I have no bills.

02:25:21.000 I'm setting that up at my house.

02:25:22.000 I'm setting that up at my house in California.

02:25:24.000 You know what?

02:25:25.000 I think we're ridiculous to not do that if you have the availability.

02:25:28.000 Like, why would you want to be dependent?

02:25:29.000 I don't have the people.

02:25:31.000 That's the Occupy thing, where they go, no, we want to work!

02:25:35.000 I have so many things I want to spend money on in Bisbee, and there's people that know how to do it.

02:25:42.000 And I can stand on a ladder waving cash, and, well, yeah, I can think about it, and I'll maybe put a thing together to see how much, and then never hear from them again.

02:25:53.000 I want a new fucking bathroom!

02:25:55.000 My bathroom's ugly as shit!

02:25:57.000 Can't get anybody to work on it?

02:25:59.000 Bisbee's just devoid of contractors?

02:26:02.000 Unemployment is the fucking major, or disability is the major income there.

02:26:09.000 Isn't it funny how people become addicted to like aid?

02:26:14.000 That's a strange thing with people.

02:26:15.000 Like this welfare state.

02:26:17.000 Wait, before I get fucking Bisbee turned on me, there's a lot of people that just work enough to live.

02:26:23.000 They don't want to work.

02:26:24.000 Right.

02:26:24.000 And they don't have big bills.

02:26:26.000 Almost everyone watches TV on the internet on a laptop and don't pay for it.

02:26:32.000 So yeah, they'll download shit.

02:26:34.000 They just don't want to work.

02:26:35.000 Right.

02:26:36.000 I understand that.

02:26:37.000 I'm completely behind it.

02:26:38.000 Well, it's an artist community, right?

02:26:41.000 Is that the idea?

02:26:42.000 Half artist, half cunts that can't work a real job.

02:26:45.000 Half artist, half rednecks?

02:26:47.000 Balance.

02:26:48.000 How'd that happen?

02:26:49.000 It's the only small town I could ever live in that I've found.

02:26:52.000 Have you found anybody that's moved into that town because they're crazy Doug Stanhope fans?

02:26:57.000 One guy moved there.

02:26:58.000 Do you remember that guy?

02:26:59.000 I knew it!

02:27:00.000 One guy, but he wasn't bothersome.

02:27:03.000 I didn't know.

02:27:04.000 He said, I moved here because you talked about it on the internet.

02:27:06.000 But he lives in Old Bisbee.

02:27:09.000 Well, that's different.

02:27:10.000 I mean, look, if you told me one of the reasons why I moved to Boulder is someone told me about Boulder, how beautiful Boulder is.

02:27:17.000 And then I went there and I'm like, holy fuck, they were right.

02:27:20.000 There's nothing wrong with accepting correct information.

02:27:22.000 You're talking about how great you love Bisbee.

02:27:24.000 There's no money there.

02:27:25.000 Yeah, but that resonates with some people.

02:27:28.000 That's what they're looking for.

02:27:29.000 They're looking for a relaxed, sort of a sleepy...

02:27:31.000 But you can't make a living there.

02:27:33.000 Right.

02:27:33.000 Unless you want to work in the deli at Safeway.

02:27:36.000 Evelyn cannot keep fucking anyone at the deli.

02:27:40.000 Safeway?

02:27:41.000 Because Safeway...

02:27:42.000 Evelyn?

02:27:42.000 Evelyn at the deli at Safeway?

02:27:43.000 Neighbor Dave's wife.

02:27:44.000 Oh, Neighbor Dave.

02:27:45.000 Neighbor Dave's wife, she's a deli manager.

02:27:48.000 Nobody wants to be the deli person at Safeway?

02:27:50.000 No, because all the positions pay the same, and the deli is where you lose a finger.

02:27:54.000 It's a hard job.

02:27:56.000 They're like, fuck it, I'll be a bagger.

02:27:58.000 Oh, okay.

02:27:59.000 Well, that does make sense.

02:28:00.000 Yes.

02:28:00.000 So there's that one of my favorite bits on turning before...

02:28:04.000 Fucking referendum number two, Death Squad.

02:28:06.000 Yeah?

02:28:07.000 Yes, get Safeway to change their fucking wage.

02:28:10.000 All right, no, that won't work.

02:28:11.000 You're going to get some crazy Death Squad character moving to fucking Bisbee to be the...

02:28:15.000 No, someone's just going to keep...

02:28:18.000 I just want to tell you, you know, you brought it up on the Joe Rogan podcast, and then I knew that I was meant to be the daily person at Bisbee in the Safeway.

02:28:27.000 There was something that was missing in my life.

02:28:28.000 I didn't even know what it said until you said that.

02:28:30.000 It was like a light went off in my head, man.

02:28:31.000 I just want to tell you, I really love you, and I really want to get your face tattooed on my body somewhere.

02:28:36.000 We've had some, oh wait, we had those people show up for football.

02:28:40.000 They were trying to find my house, because I put my address.

02:28:44.000 Hey, get a pen, people.

02:28:46.000 No!

02:28:47.000 Stop it!

02:28:48.000 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona.

02:28:51.000 Bingo is covering our eyes.

02:28:52.000 Bingo!

02:28:53.000 No!

02:28:53.000 You live with a woman, sir.

02:28:55.000 You live with a woman.

02:28:55.000 You need to take care of her.

02:28:56.000 No, but I have people send shit to Bingo because I do this all the time and Bingo's so retarded that packages will show up.

02:29:03.000 Hang on.

02:29:04.000 There you go.

02:29:04.000 That's people calling.

02:29:05.000 Why don't you just put your phone online, you fuck?

02:29:07.000 Hang on.

02:29:07.000 Who is this?

02:29:08.000 It's a thing called speakerphone.

02:29:10.000 Are you listening, Chaley?

02:29:14.000 I'm on the Joe Rogan podcast and we're just re-upping the you versus Red Band who's the better fucking tour manager slash webcast guy.

02:29:30.000 See?

02:29:31.000 My fucking guy is prescient!

02:29:33.000 Top that!

02:29:34.000 I told you already, bitch.

02:29:35.000 You got a slave.

02:29:36.000 I have a master craftsman.

02:29:38.000 You got a slave.

02:29:38.000 I'm going to call you back.

02:29:39.000 If I text Brian, he calls me back.

02:29:42.000 Like an hour later, he goes, what's up?

02:29:44.000 That's someone with talent.

02:29:45.000 I don't have to call my guy.

02:29:47.000 I speak his name like Beetlejuice, and he calls into the show.

02:29:51.000 Yeah, because he's got no talent.

02:29:52.000 He's Because he's scared.

02:29:54.000 Brian's out there having threesomes with porn stars and he comes back and tells me about it, okay?

02:29:58.000 I'll take my guy over yours, alright?

02:30:00.000 I'll take my guy over yours all day.

02:30:02.000 How about that?

02:30:06.000 Not that there's anything wrong with your guy.

02:30:08.000 I'm not saying there's anything wrong you got.

02:30:10.000 I find Red Ben even more adorable than you.

02:30:13.000 Look, thank you.

02:30:14.000 I don't know what to say about that because my competitive instincts get fueled.

02:30:19.000 You must not be correct.

02:30:21.000 It's impossible.

02:30:23.000 You must be wrong.

02:30:25.000 I'll go along with you no matter what.

02:30:28.000 What were we talking about before?

02:30:31.000 Probably blowjobs and bad teeth.

02:30:34.000 Oh, those people came to your house to watch?

02:30:36.000 Oh, yeah.

02:30:37.000 Someone was driving around trying to find my house and it was during football and they went to a local store in Old Bisbee and said, hey, do you know where Doug Stanhope lives?

02:30:49.000 And it's the wife of the guy that's always at football.

02:30:54.000 They just happened to go into that store and She's like, there's a guy looking around.

02:31:01.000 So she calls?

02:31:01.000 You're doing the hand up to the face?

02:31:03.000 Oh yeah, sorry.

02:31:04.000 I did the imaginary phone hand motion.

02:31:07.000 And I go, yeah, fuck it.

02:31:10.000 It's football.

02:31:11.000 Anyone can come over during football.

02:31:13.000 So you let anybody come over your house?

02:31:14.000 For football.

02:31:15.000 For football.

02:31:16.000 That makes sense.

02:31:16.000 If I'm in town for football.

02:31:19.000 So let's review what we learned.

02:31:21.000 You're fucking looking like De Niro again, and I'm not even tripping.

02:31:23.000 I'm looking like De Niro again?

02:31:25.000 Yes.

02:31:25.000 I was Mark Babbitt.

02:31:26.000 I'm De Niro.

02:31:26.000 I'm Joe Rogan.

02:31:27.000 Okay?

02:31:28.000 I am who I am.

02:31:28.000 Last time when I was tripping, you fucking look like De Niro.

02:31:32.000 In which one?

02:31:33.000 In Cape Fear or in Raging Bull?

02:31:34.000 I don't know.

02:31:35.000 But last night it was seriously Mark Babbitt because the shading of your head made you look like you had bald guy hair in the back.

02:31:42.000 I was thinking about your bad teeth thing.

02:31:47.000 You have a thing about bad teeth.

02:31:49.000 I hate to smile.

02:31:50.000 I'm miserable.

02:31:51.000 I have to give this one person props.

02:31:54.000 There's this girl who's a ring card girl for Bellator.

02:31:57.000 Look at that.

02:31:58.000 Oh, wow.

02:31:59.000 Oh, yeah, exactly.

02:32:00.000 Like, come on, man.

02:32:01.000 That doesn't make you want to fuck again?

02:32:03.000 Look at that.

02:32:04.000 Look at that picture.

02:32:04.000 Her name is Jade Bryce, but anyway, she's got, like, a gap between her teeth, but she's so hot, it doesn't matter.

02:32:09.000 Well, that's Belladonna.

02:32:11.000 No, no, no, no, no.

02:32:12.000 It's a good gap.

02:32:13.000 Yeah, but her gap is filled with, like, shitty covered dicks that came right out of butts, right in her mouth.

02:32:19.000 This girl's a little bit cleaner.

02:32:21.000 It's a little cleaner situation.

02:32:23.000 Belladonna?

02:32:23.000 Than this Jade Bryce girl.

02:32:26.000 Well, Belladonna is dirtier than this girl.

02:32:27.000 We've always had very different tastes in women.

02:32:29.000 Well, is Belladonna dirty?

02:32:30.000 She's a little dirty, right?

02:32:32.000 Not that it's bad.

02:32:32.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:32:33.000 No, I like her.

02:32:34.000 She seems real.

02:32:35.000 This other girl, this Jade Bryce chick, is just simply a girl who holds up ring cards.

02:32:39.000 She's not getting ass-to-mouthed all day.

02:32:43.000 It's a different sort of a situation.

02:32:44.000 What's wrong with...

02:32:45.000 I don't know why you have to compare that girl to this girl.

02:32:47.000 I'm talking to you about one girl, and you've got to bring up another girl that you'd go.

02:32:50.000 It's like, this is confusing.

02:32:52.000 I'm trying to give some girl some props, and she doesn't get to fix her teeth, but she's got a ridiculous ass.

02:32:57.000 Look at that ass, Brian.

02:32:58.000 Can I get a witness?

02:32:59.000 Yeah, that's a nice ass.

02:33:00.000 That's about as good as it gets.

02:33:01.000 No, I don't like that ass.

02:33:03.000 What?

02:33:04.000 You don't like that ass right there?

02:33:05.000 No, it's a giant ass.

02:33:06.000 Shut the fuck up, goddammit.

02:33:08.000 That's where babies come from.

02:33:10.000 That's an alpha female.

02:33:11.000 If babies don't come out of the ass, that's why you fuck them in it.

02:33:13.000 No, no, no.

02:33:14.000 That's while that fat is there to protect the cells or something.

02:33:18.000 Let the eggs grow substantial qualities.

02:33:19.000 You must have a big dick because an ass like that means I'm only getting half of mine in it because the other half of the ass is going to hold me up.

02:33:26.000 It's like an anaconda with a metal pipe shoved through it.

02:33:29.000 That's what it's like.

02:33:32.000 Stuffed fat and...

02:33:33.000 Tied off like a ham.

02:33:35.000 That's what my dick's tied off like a ham.

02:33:39.000 With white string.

02:33:41.000 Okay?

02:33:42.000 That's what my cock's like, goddammit.

02:33:44.000 We're all different, Doug Stanhope.

02:33:46.000 Don't hate me for actually liking pussy.

02:33:48.000 Jesus Christ.

02:33:50.000 I like pussy.

02:33:52.000 I've always had a different idea of what fucking beautiful is.

02:33:57.000 Yeah, well, listen, it's all subjective.

02:33:59.000 Beauty's in the eye of the beholder.

02:34:00.000 Yeah.

02:34:01.000 For real.

02:34:02.000 I mean, there's a lot of dudes.

02:34:03.000 There's websites dedicated to guys who love, like, really overweight women.

02:34:07.000 They love, like, rolls of fat.

02:34:09.000 And I think a lot of that also has to do with what you were first introduced to when you were becoming sexual.

02:34:15.000 Like, if you have a girlfriend, if you start dating...

02:34:17.000 I'm not even talking sexual.

02:34:19.000 Attractive.

02:34:20.000 Okay.

02:34:20.000 Literally attractive.

02:34:22.000 Like, this attracts...

02:34:23.000 Like, you're stunning.

02:34:25.000 There's something about you that I want to keep looking at.

02:34:27.000 Right.

02:34:28.000 As far as porn goes, jacking off, yes, that probably ruined a lot of my sex drive, is I was so into porn, and it's never like that.

02:34:37.000 It's never perfectly cleaned, trimmed, sanitized, chlorine-smelling.

02:34:43.000 Unless you're partying with Brian.

02:34:45.000 That's right.

02:34:47.000 When you're doing the Molly that smokes, then you don't care what it smells like.

02:34:51.000 He wins over your guy once again, okay?

02:34:54.000 Just one.

02:34:55.000 One more time, goddammit!

02:34:57.000 No, I know what you're talking about.

02:34:59.000 I had a girl, when I first started dating, when I was in high school, had very unusual feet.

02:35:04.000 She had weird feet.

02:35:07.000 They were kind of like...

02:35:08.000 Are we talking jerking off or just what you...

02:35:11.000 What you're sexually attracted to.

02:35:12.000 ...stops and makes you...

02:35:13.000 Honey, honey.

02:35:15.000 That girl, I think, is fucking phenomenally beautiful.

02:35:19.000 Oh, yeah.

02:35:19.000 Because she's engaging, she's attracting.

02:35:21.000 You see her...

02:35:22.000 You see a...

02:35:23.000 Like, I see a commercial with a supermodel, and I look at her going, how boring would she be?

02:35:30.000 Yeah.

02:35:30.000 Like, she wouldn't want to eat a thing.

02:35:32.000 Like, all the things that race through your head, and she would be so...

02:35:36.000 That's...

02:35:36.000 No, how dare you?

02:35:39.000 That's my earliest headshot.

02:35:41.000 I was 20 years old.

02:35:43.000 Put up a link.

02:35:43.000 Come to the Olive Garden.

02:35:46.000 How do you say a link to that?

02:35:50.000 As a fan of the show, I get really upset when you're doing stuff that only us are enjoying.

02:35:58.000 Well, Redband will put that on his Twitter, R-E-D-B-A-N, and you can see it.

02:36:02.000 That is my 20...

02:36:03.000 I was 21 years old.

02:36:05.000 I was an open-miker.

02:36:06.000 That was my headshot.

02:36:07.000 I had a nice head of hair.

02:36:08.000 It was really nice.

02:36:10.000 You were worried about the hair.

02:36:11.000 You got me on fucking Rogaine for a minute.

02:36:14.000 I should have shaved my head a long time ago.

02:36:18.000 When I first started doing it, it was so freeing.

02:36:22.000 It feels good.

02:36:23.000 Your scar is not nearly as bad.

02:36:25.000 We have our friend Billy Bad, who's like...

02:36:28.000 He's the Jill Drogen of Alaska.

02:36:30.000 But...

02:36:31.000 He is.

02:36:32.000 He's the best guy in the world.

02:36:35.000 He's you.

02:36:36.000 He's the you of Alaska.

02:36:39.000 Without the funny.

02:36:40.000 He's just cool.

02:36:41.000 The coolest, nicest.

02:36:43.000 But he did the same thing you did.

02:36:45.000 But he has this Charlie Brown Frankenstein scar that goes in a triangle pattern around his head.

02:36:53.000 And now he's shaved his head.

02:36:55.000 He got to the age, you're like, fuck it.

02:36:57.000 It was the last I don't give a fuck left.

02:37:00.000 I didn't have any I-don't-give-a-fucks left.

02:37:03.000 So shaving my head was the last I-don't-give-a-fuck.

02:37:05.000 And when it happened, as soon as I did it, I was like, ah, that was it.

02:37:10.000 Jesus.

02:37:11.000 And your scar, to me, because like...

02:37:12.000 The only...

02:37:13.000 Go ahead.

02:37:14.000 You would talk about that for years, about like your scar.

02:37:16.000 Like, I wish I could shave my head, but I don't want to because of the scar.

02:37:18.000 It must have been like three or four years.

02:37:20.000 And once you shaved, it was like Brody Stevens' scar on his face that he always talks about and that I never see.

02:37:25.000 It was like Brody Stevens' crazy, where you're like, alright, I'm crazy, alright, now it's out.

02:37:30.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:37:31.000 It was like fucking Charlie Sheen going, yeah, I fucked hookers.

02:37:35.000 I'm in court.

02:37:36.000 Yeah, I made them dress up like cheerleaders.

02:37:38.000 Okay, once you stop denying it, no one cares.

02:37:41.000 Yeah, once it's out there, it's out there.

02:37:44.000 And until it's out there, it's always something you wonder.

02:37:47.000 I fucking hate the baldness is considered a disease on some levels.

02:37:51.000 Where, like, kids with cancer, and we're going to shave our head to give them hair.

02:37:56.000 Like, wait, I don't have fucking hair.

02:37:58.000 So I'm supposed to be as embarrassed as a child?

02:38:01.000 Like, I'm some kind of ghoul to a child?

02:38:04.000 That's funny.

02:38:05.000 Yeah, I know.

02:38:07.000 Fucking some healthcare will cover baldness.

02:38:10.000 Like, what?

02:38:11.000 I'm supposed to feel bad?

02:38:13.000 I don't give a fuck.

02:38:13.000 I know, right?

02:38:14.000 It's a weird thing.

02:38:16.000 Well, you know what a part of it is?

02:38:18.000 It's like a lack of control thing.

02:38:20.000 If you don't have control over something, like eyebrows are important to people.

02:38:24.000 You know why they're important to people?

02:38:25.000 Because if they fell off, you'd be like, where's my fucking eyebrows?

02:38:30.000 But if you shaved my eyebrow, my life wouldn't change at all.

02:38:34.000 Except for the fact that people would realize I don't have eyebrows anymore.

02:38:38.000 They have no fucking purpose.

02:38:39.000 And they wouldn't want to talk about it.

02:38:41.000 I would just sharpie them in like a Mexican gangbanger chick.

02:38:45.000 A chica!

02:38:46.000 Come on, bitch!

02:38:47.000 I'll stab you!

02:38:48.000 I'll cut you!

02:38:50.000 The internet will change how we feel about honesty across the board.

02:38:55.000 I think it already has, hasn't it?

02:38:57.000 Well, to the point where now you will be open about things because someone's going to say it about you on Facebook.

02:39:04.000 Oh, the guy next to me has the fucking weirdest eyebrows.

02:39:08.000 And he's going to be, I'm going to hit on the chick in the cubicle next to me.

02:39:12.000 Oh wait, she's talking about me.

02:39:14.000 I'm the only one with no eyebrows.

02:39:16.000 And then these people will be open about stuff.

02:39:18.000 That whole level of politeness that has nothing to do with civility.

02:39:22.000 It's not being rude.

02:39:23.000 Oh, you have a flipper arm.

02:39:26.000 What's that like?

02:39:28.000 Yeah, it's just actually asking a question.

02:39:31.000 Of course, you're different.

02:39:33.000 People are going to be intrigued.

02:39:35.000 Yeah.

02:39:35.000 Like, did you remember, I don't know if you paid attention at all, but the Olympics, that guy that was running who had fake legs?

02:39:40.000 Yeah.

02:39:41.000 He was really running really fast.

02:39:42.000 So you're like these prosthetic, like, springy legs.

02:39:45.000 Yeah, but steroids are illegal.

02:39:47.000 Right.

02:39:48.000 Bionic man, fine.

02:39:51.000 We had this guy on the podcast, Daniel Wilson.

02:39:54.000 He's a robotics expert.

02:39:56.000 He's written some books on robotics.

02:39:57.000 And he was talking to us.

02:39:59.000 He goes, how long before the first guy cuts his legs off and puts bionic legs on?

02:40:04.000 And when he said it, my whole body just went...

02:40:06.000 Why didn't I think of that first?

02:40:08.000 No, that's not what I thought of.

02:40:10.000 I thought of the actual guy lying there with a tube down his throat, shutting him off while they're sawing his fucking legs off.

02:40:18.000 And I was terrified.

02:40:19.000 I literally, like, cuddled up with myself, like, thinking about, I know someone one day is going to cut off their perfectly good legs for some fucking bionic legs.

02:40:29.000 Or even if it's not to win a medal, it's just to have bionic legs.

02:40:32.000 Oh, recognition.

02:40:34.000 Ego is the biggest motherfucker.

02:40:36.000 Not even if it's recognition, just the ability.

02:40:38.000 How about if somebody...

02:40:39.000 Okay, listen.

02:40:39.000 How fast do you need to run in a world full of cars?

02:40:42.000 Listen, let me ask you this.

02:40:43.000 If they came out with fucking legs, and these bionic legs allowed you to jump over buildings, literally allowed you to go Incredible Hulk style, And just leap like a fucking airplane and fly through space.

02:40:56.000 Why wouldn't you want to do that?

02:40:58.000 But you would have to sit there while they saw your hip off and try to cut your bleeding off at the fucking arteries around your legs.

02:41:06.000 The femoral artery.

02:41:08.000 If they cut that with a knife, it sprays out and you bleed out.

02:41:12.000 I understand.

02:41:12.000 One of the worst ways to die is getting shot in the thigh.

02:41:16.000 You get shot in the thigh, it blows out your artery.

02:41:19.000 You're dead.

02:41:20.000 That's how that got from the Redskins.

02:41:23.000 Someone just died getting shot in the fucking thigh.

02:41:27.000 Yeah, getting shot in the thigh, car accidents.

02:41:29.000 You don't have to back off like we're saying Sandy Hook because it wasn't overly publicized.

02:41:34.000 Yeah, if it was overly publicized, we apologize.

02:41:37.000 Somebody had something they put on Twitter that was so fucking poignant when that Sandy Hook thing was going on.

02:41:42.000 They said, 20 kids die in Connecticut, and it is a national outrage.

02:41:49.000 But 150,000 die from starvation?

02:41:52.000 No.

02:41:52.000 That's the one I retweeted.

02:41:54.000 They wrote, 1,000 die from drone strikes.

02:41:56.000 Oh, maybe that's the one I retweeted.

02:41:59.000 Well, I bet there was a lot of those.

02:42:01.000 I mean, it wasn't one person who made that obvious conclusion of the hypocrisy of the way we look at things.

02:42:06.000 We have a really crazy way of looking at things.

02:42:09.000 Look, there's a lot of innocent children that have died.

02:42:12.000 Let me ask you this.

02:42:13.000 As a father now, which I try to avoid that thought, Not nearly as much as the idea that Joey Diaz is a father, which I actually did the calculations of today out front waiting for you to show up.

02:42:28.000 It's like, okay, got Joey Diaz in the death pool, but he's about to be a father.

02:42:33.000 That's going to give him more reason to live.

02:42:35.000 And I'm like a prognosticator at the horse track.

02:42:42.000 He's good on a wet track, but...

02:42:46.000 That's funny.

02:42:47.000 But you, as a father, did you feel anything about Sandy Hook?

02:42:54.000 I felt two things.

02:42:55.000 One thing I felt is for the actual kid who did that.

02:42:58.000 Emotionally?

02:42:59.000 Yes.

02:43:00.000 I'm talking emotionally.

02:43:01.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:43:02.000 I felt in two situations.

02:43:06.000 One, I felt for the actual child that became that fucking monster that's gunning down children And, you know, his mother and whoever else he killed, his teachers.

02:43:15.000 I felt for that guy because you don't get to the point where you're showing up at a school and just shooting children unless you're in horrific pain.

02:43:24.000 I don't know what was going on with him psychologically and there's a lot of people that they really shy away from.

02:43:31.000 I'm not having any empathy towards someone who does horrific things, but everyone who does horrific things does horrific things because they're in pain.

02:43:38.000 There's no other way to do it.

02:43:39.000 There's no other reason to lash out.

02:43:42.000 There's no way that guy did that for the reason I would want to kill a lot of people.

02:43:48.000 Mine is completely out of logical, sheer focused anger.

02:43:53.000 You don't shoot a bunch of children.

02:43:56.000 Real eugenics, like the idea of eugenics, like just weeding out all the people that want to kill people, weeding out all the people who are sociopaths, weeding out all the people who are psychopaths, which is what you do in any other natural ecosystem, whether it's with animals.

02:44:08.000 If you have a bunch of animals and you have some goats running and one goat keeps killing the baby goats, you shoot that goat and then you don't have that problem anymore.

02:44:17.000 But with human beings, this is like this ethical consideration of who this person is.

02:44:21.000 It makes no sense.

02:44:23.000 It does make no sense.

02:44:24.000 There does need to be some sort of a pragmatic, like removing people like that from the population.

02:44:33.000 But also we have to realize what takes a baby.

02:44:36.000 When you have children, one of the things about having children that changed me...

02:44:39.000 Is just the realization...

02:44:41.000 Doug Stanley made me smoke a cigarette last night.

02:44:44.000 Are you serious?

02:44:44.000 Oh, that's right!

02:44:45.000 I took two hits off the goddamn cigarette.

02:44:47.000 He choked like I did on his weed.

02:44:49.000 Ugh, it's so gross.

02:44:51.000 But it did give me a...

02:44:52.000 I was totally head-rushing.

02:44:54.000 But having a child, when you have a baby, one of the things you realize is the massive responsibility that you have because this is a bundle of potential.

02:45:04.000 That this child could turn out completely fucked up or completely beautiful and amazing.

02:45:11.000 And I don't mean beautiful looking.

02:45:12.000 I mean the way they behave, the way they communicate with people, that people are going to be enriched and their life is going to be better because they come in contact with this human being.

02:45:21.000 But did not the parents of the Sandy Hook shooter have the same expectations of that child?

02:45:27.000 Of course they did.

02:45:28.000 But that's the hubris of parents thinking that because you're bright, you have control over your child.

02:45:38.000 You can have the best intentions.

02:45:40.000 This is what Todd, I did Todd Glass's podcast, and this whole conversation spiraled out of control because he wasn't understanding what I'm saying.

02:45:50.000 Because you're a parent doesn't mean that you have any control over what your child's going to become.

02:45:57.000 Well, I don't think it's an either-or situation.

02:46:00.000 I think that's the real problem, is that just because some people have this idea that you have this bundle of potential, this child that's essentially a blank slate in front of you, and you would like them to be a productive citizen, that doesn't mean that the people who create a Sandy Hook person have those same intentions in mind.

02:46:21.000 Right.

02:46:24.000 Right.

02:46:25.000 Right.

02:46:39.000 Essentially a bundle of potential and neurons, which is a baby, and turn it into a full-functioning human being.

02:46:44.000 It's a massive responsibility.

02:46:46.000 And people don't look at it like the massive responsibility that it is.

02:46:50.000 But what you're saying is you still think you have control if you have a kid that's fucked up.

02:46:54.000 No, I do not.

02:46:55.000 No, I do not.

02:46:56.000 I do not.

02:46:56.000 Because I know that, first of all...

02:46:58.000 The Patton Oswalt bit, I fucking love from it.

02:47:01.000 He had a bit about...

02:47:04.000 Kids always rebel against their parents, so I'm going to be the worst parent in the world.

02:47:08.000 I'm going to be the biggest douche.

02:47:10.000 I'm going to have Phil Collins' No Jacket Required album framed on the mantelpiece just so my kids are cool.

02:47:17.000 They don't always rebel.

02:47:18.000 I know people don't rebel against their parents.

02:47:20.000 It made me think of that bit.

02:47:22.000 I think human beings rebel against someone who tells them what to do.

02:47:25.000 And the only time a person tells a kid what to do where it makes sense is where the kid is explained to them in a way that alleviates all of their concerns that you're trying to control them.

02:47:44.000 All their concerns that you're insensitive to their own individual rights.

02:47:49.000 If they're like you.

02:47:49.000 Not if they're like you.

02:47:50.000 If they're a bundle of potential...

02:47:51.000 No, I'm saying if they are like you, then you can explain this.

02:47:54.000 But if they reject that and they have their own act...

02:47:56.000 Well, that's what you don't understand.

02:47:57.000 They don't reject that from the start because children, they don't really have a set of morals and you can explain to them as time goes on what is wrong or right about certain situations.

02:48:07.000 They will absorb a certain amount of it and you can continue to provide good examples.

02:48:13.000 The real issue is that raising a kid is not as simple as people like to pretend it is.

02:48:20.000 It's a massive amount of work.

02:48:22.000 Fuck you, Joe Rogan.

02:48:23.000 Sorry, I just wanted to throw in some kind of...

02:48:25.000 It's just a massive...

02:48:27.000 Something to keep the listener engaged.

02:48:29.000 Oh, this is going somewhere.

02:48:31.000 Fuck you!

02:48:33.000 Look, what a kid is, it's like having a PhD thesis and you're giving it to any retard and say, hey, fill this out, figure it out.

02:48:45.000 And you don't tell them what to do.

02:48:46.000 You're like, fill this out.

02:48:47.000 Some people are just naturally...

02:48:50.000 We're going to write some incredible thesis.

02:48:52.000 They're going to have some new points that haven't been considered by science.

02:48:55.000 And some kids are going to shoot up sand.

02:48:57.000 And some people are going to wipe their ass with it, and they're going to put sand in it, and they're going to throw it in the ocean.

02:49:04.000 The amount of...

02:49:06.000 Room for error and the amount of possibility in raising a child is so monumental that most people are going to get it wrong, just like most people are going to get wrong their own objective perceptions of themselves.

02:49:19.000 How many people really see themselves the way the other people around them see it?

02:49:23.000 I feel like the only listeners now are the same people who listen to Art Bell.

02:49:30.000 You're wrong.

02:49:31.000 I'm telling you.

02:49:32.000 Right now, I feel...

02:49:33.000 People at work.

02:49:33.000 There's people that have kids, Doug Stanhope.

02:49:36.000 No, I just feel like right now we've delved into fucking Up All Night.

02:49:40.000 No, we haven't because what we're talking about is some really important shit.

02:49:43.000 What we're talking about is what...

02:49:44.000 That's why people tune out.

02:49:46.000 But it's fascinating.

02:49:48.000 What is it that makes a person a psycho?

02:49:50.000 What is it that makes a person awesome?

02:49:52.000 I mean, look, you and I both had very different childhoods, but we essentially found our own path.

02:49:59.000 Instead of being guided.

02:50:00.000 That's what I was going to say.

02:50:03.000 I'm basing a lot of this on Intervention is one of our favorite shows.

02:50:08.000 And Hoarders does the same thing to an extent where they start out with the problem and then they coast into a montage of their childhood.

02:50:16.000 And they try to, at least if not pinpoint...

02:50:20.000 Allude to, well, then their parents got divorced.

02:50:24.000 And she missed her father.

02:50:26.000 Or then she was touched by an uncle.

02:50:29.000 But they try to find something in the childhood that's responsible with no science whatsoever.

02:50:36.000 Right.

02:50:36.000 That is responsible for why now they're fucking shitting in a dumpster and a fucking crack bitch.

02:50:41.000 And when you say science, that's really important because it's purely anecdotal evidence.

02:50:45.000 Exactly.

02:50:45.000 You would have to take two people, make them live...

02:50:48.000 It's as bad as fucking astrology.

02:50:49.000 It is.

02:50:50.000 It absolutely is.

02:50:51.000 And that's a very good point, the way you just said that.

02:50:53.000 I really would love to fucking meet Dr. Drew face to face.

02:50:57.000 I would love to set that up because that was one of my favorite bits about turning the gun on himself as well.

02:51:03.000 It's like, you fucking nailed it.

02:51:04.000 Like, what is your cure?

02:51:06.000 And it's God.

02:51:07.000 It is.

02:51:07.000 It's a higher power.

02:51:08.000 That's all they have.

02:51:09.000 It's the biggest breach of separation of church and state is where people get a DUI and they're forced to go to AA for two or six weeks where they have to pretend to believe in God.

02:51:20.000 You motherfuckers.

02:51:23.000 It's absolutely, again, enraging.

02:51:27.000 Yes.

02:51:27.000 Not on the language, fuck is a bad word level, but still.

02:51:31.000 But here's the thing, is they always try to blame the parents.

02:51:35.000 My parents were great.

02:51:36.000 I'm a fuck-up.

02:51:38.000 Hold up, stop.

02:51:39.000 Stop it.

02:51:40.000 Stop it.

02:51:41.000 You're not a fuck-up.

02:51:42.000 In the eyes of all of those types of shows, I would be seen as some pathetic...

02:51:48.000 No, no, no, no, no.

02:51:49.000 You wouldn't.

02:51:50.000 Oh, you're gonna die.

02:51:51.000 Only if they're misinformed.

02:51:52.000 You know what that's like?

02:51:53.000 The eyes of that show is like if someone gets brought in and the person...

02:51:57.000 It happens to be a person who has asthma and you don't have a doctor present to say, well, what causes asthma?

02:52:04.000 Okay?

02:52:04.000 If you were on a show and they were saying, well, there's something wrong with this, Doug Stanhope.

02:52:08.000 Doug Stanhope likes a drink.

02:52:09.000 He drinks almost every day.

02:52:10.000 I would have to step in because I would say, well, you understand comics.

02:52:13.000 See, I'm an expert on comics.

02:52:15.000 This is a comic.

02:52:16.000 This is how it works.

02:52:17.000 And you don't get comics like that unless you get all the other shit as well.

02:52:20.000 Okay?

02:52:20.000 Are we cool?

02:52:21.000 All right, good.

02:52:22.000 Now go back to judging fucking mailroom workers and...

02:52:25.000 Fucking insurance salesman.

02:52:27.000 Because when it comes to comics, that's where I'm an expert.

02:52:30.000 So you're not a fuck-up.

02:52:31.000 You're not a fuck-up because you put out a good solid hour every year and a half, and there's only one way to fucking do that, okay?

02:52:37.000 It's to do it Doug Stanhope style.

02:52:39.000 The way you're doing it is the exact correct way to do it.

02:52:42.000 And if you took those assholes and you said, hey, listen, I want to take We take time away from working at LA Fitness and being the guy who recruits new people to be personal trainers.

02:52:53.000 What I want you to do is put together an hour of solid, subversive stand-up material where you really analyze society's woes and break it down in a way that's not just going to be poignant, but it's also going to elicit a reaction out of people.

02:53:06.000 It's going to make them laugh.

02:53:07.000 Belly laugh, howl.

02:53:08.000 I want you to take points to the point where you think it's uncomfortable and socially unacceptable and go about a hundred yards past that into some horrible place where you long for the moment where you thought that he was out of line in the beginning, which was four minutes ago.

02:53:24.000 That guy can't do that.

02:53:26.000 So that guy would be a fuck-up if he tried to do your job.

02:53:28.000 Oh, you turn the forklift in the wrong direction and hit some cans.

02:53:34.000 You need to be on intervention.

02:53:38.000 Stan, I hope you missed three tags in that hour.

02:53:42.000 We've got seven minutes to go before our recording turns into a pumpkin.

02:53:45.000 We've hit the three-hour mark.

02:53:46.000 You're the shit, man.

02:53:47.000 I wish you lived here, but I don't.

02:53:49.000 Because every time you come back here, it's like Christmas.

02:53:51.000 Exactly.

02:53:51.000 When someone shows up in Bisbee, I hug them.

02:53:54.000 Listen, this show that we did last night...

02:53:56.000 Bingo said the other day, I'm ready to get out of...

02:53:59.000 We were off work for two weeks, and she's like, I'm ready to get out of town.

02:54:02.000 Let's go on the road.

02:54:03.000 I go, we're going to be on the road for a fucking one night for the Rogan thing, and we're going to be...

02:54:08.000 I can't wait to get back home.

02:54:11.000 Right now, you can't wait already?

02:54:12.000 I'm always fucking greener pastures, man.

02:54:14.000 Everything I'm not in is better.

02:54:17.000 That's what makes you a comic, man.

02:54:18.000 That's what people don't understand.

02:54:19.000 I don't understand.

02:54:20.000 We all have our own place in this crazy spectrum of life.

02:54:23.000 Your place is right there.

02:54:25.000 Oh, let me plug Super Bowl and Bisbee.

02:54:29.000 You have to fucking get your own place.

02:54:31.000 I already have fucking the houses are full, but you can stay at the Shady Dell.

02:54:37.000 Well, you're going to, first of all, let's just plug the fact that you're going to let people come to your house and watch the game.

02:54:41.000 Yes.

02:54:41.000 Okay.

02:54:42.000 Listen, we're putting this on the internet.

02:54:44.000 One million people will listen to this.

02:54:46.000 They're coming from everywhere.

02:54:47.000 I live so far away, I can't get you to come to my house, much less a crazy person.

02:54:55.000 You say can't, that's incorrect.

02:54:56.000 The correct is haven't gotten me.

02:54:59.000 I will.

02:54:59.000 The point is, I live so far away, crazy people have to be really fucking crazy.

02:55:04.000 And those are the ones you've got to worry about, and they're coming.

02:55:07.000 The point is, no, we have a show.

02:55:09.000 Listen to this lineup.

02:55:10.000 They're coming on donkeys.

02:55:11.000 Fucking Andy Andrist.

02:55:13.000 Christine Levine, Sean Rouse, JT Haberset, Fucking someone I'm forgetting and I'm hosting is Friday.

02:55:22.000 Stopka.

02:55:22.000 Junior Stopka!

02:55:24.000 Oh, beautiful.

02:55:25.000 How many followers does he have?

02:55:26.000 Let's check right now.

02:55:27.000 When you said that, I was just about to check.

02:55:30.000 Hold on one second.

02:55:31.000 Go with...

02:55:32.000 All at the Bisbee Royale.

02:55:35.000 Fucking Best Bar in Bisbee.

02:55:37.000 Brand new.

02:55:38.000 Where is Junior Stopka?

02:55:39.000 What the fuck?

02:55:40.000 I just followed him.

02:55:41.000 At Junior Stopka.

02:55:42.000 Okay, hold on.

02:55:43.000 So that's Friday night.

02:55:44.000 The show is at the Bisbee Royale.

02:55:46.000 Friday night...

02:55:48.000 Fucking six of my favorite fucking comics in the world.

02:55:51.000 1,350.

02:55:53.000 We really got them over 100. People listen to this shit later.

02:55:56.000 You weak ass bitches.

02:55:58.000 But there's more than...

02:55:59.000 I don't know though.

02:55:59.000 There's thousands of them that are listening to right now.

02:56:02.000 Who listens to fucking podcasts live?

02:56:05.000 A lot of people.

02:56:05.000 I listen to shit in a car.

02:56:06.000 The hardcore freaks.

02:56:07.000 Alright.

02:56:08.000 The hardcore freaks.

02:56:09.000 Well, we have 53. At Junior Stopka.

02:56:11.000 And they're really upset.

02:56:12.000 They're really upset by your video quality.

02:56:14.000 Well, they're probably all in fucking Iceland or New Zealand and they're not going to see Junior Stopka anyway.

02:56:19.000 Or Alaska.

02:56:20.000 They will.

02:56:21.000 They will.

02:56:22.000 They're traveling.

02:56:23.000 They're going to come to your house.

02:56:24.000 If you want to come to Doug Stanhope's house for Super Bowl, the address is...

02:56:29.000 212 Van Dyke Street.

02:56:32.000 Like Dick Van Dyke.

02:56:34.000 Bisbee...

02:56:38.000 AZ 85603. Put it in your GPS. Put it in your GPS. But you're not staying there.

02:56:44.000 Take your meds.

02:56:45.000 Come for the party.

02:56:46.000 Take your meds.

02:56:47.000 If you're coming, let me know.

02:56:48.000 Because my brother flies out from Rhode Island to do barbecue for people.

02:56:52.000 He expects 80 people.

02:56:53.000 If we're going to have fucking 150...

02:56:56.000 Yeah, let him know.

02:56:57.000 Or don't eat.

02:56:58.000 If your hands are sweaty, wipe them off before you shake his hand.

02:57:01.000 Here's the deal.

02:57:01.000 Friday night is the comedy show.

02:57:04.000 That's a strong fucking lineup.

02:57:06.000 That's a strong lineup.

02:57:07.000 Saturday will be local musicians at my house.

02:57:12.000 And Sunday is the game.

02:57:13.000 Are you performing Friday night as well?

02:57:15.000 I'm hosting.

02:57:16.000 You're not going to do a long set?

02:57:18.000 No, you don't fucking host.

02:57:19.000 Son of a bitch!

02:57:20.000 You don't shit what you eat or sleep?

02:57:24.000 That's nonsense.

02:57:25.000 You need to do a goddamn set.

02:57:26.000 I've done it twice.

02:57:29.000 When you have to see a town of 6,000 people and someone doesn't look at you in the eye, they look at you and then look down.

02:57:38.000 Maybe they're just looking down, but in your head you're going, they saw my show and they hate me.

02:57:43.000 Doug Stanhope, you have a mission.

02:57:45.000 The mission is to convert that town to the cult of Stanhope.

02:57:47.000 That's why you don't work cruise ships.

02:57:49.000 The Stanhope Sausage Factory, what is it?

02:57:51.000 The Sausage Crew?

02:57:51.000 No, we're fucking...

02:57:52.000 Sausage Army is Death Squad now!

02:57:55.000 We're just a branch.

02:57:56.000 It's a branch of Death Squad.

02:57:57.000 We've been overtaken by Death Squad.

02:57:59.000 Powerful Death Squad wins again, ladies and gentlemen.

02:58:02.000 The Doug Stanhope experience can be found at DougStanhope.com.

02:58:06.000 You can follow Doug on Twitter, DougStanhope, at DougStanhope on Twitter.

02:58:11.000 Thank you.

02:58:12.000 Thank you, Doug.

02:58:13.000 Stand up.

02:58:13.000 Thanks to audible.com for being there for us, you dirty fucks.

02:58:17.000 Chaley fucking crushes Red Band!

02:58:20.000 I don't know what you're saying.

02:58:21.000 Hannigan and Sussman.

02:58:23.000 That's a fucking...

02:58:24.000 That's the Junior Del Santos fucking...

02:58:27.000 Cain Velasquez.

02:58:28.000 That's next weekend, you dirty bitches.

02:58:29.000 I'm gonna be watching.

02:58:31.000 It's over.

02:58:31.000 From Florida.

02:58:32.000 While I'm fighting, of course.

02:58:33.000 Are you gonna be in Florida?

02:58:34.000 Oh, your court hearing.

02:58:35.000 That's right.

02:58:36.000 If you get free, come to Vegas.

02:58:38.000 I'll hook you up.

02:58:40.000 Thanks to...

02:58:41.000 Look, thanks to everybody that came last night.

02:58:43.000 I think I speak for Doug.

02:58:44.000 Oh, Chaley's coming to the Super Bowl!

02:58:46.000 Are you coming to the Super Bowl?

02:58:48.000 He's got shit to do.

02:58:49.000 Lost!

02:58:50.000 We had...

02:58:51.000 Last night, for real, was probably the greatest night of our comedy.

02:58:55.000 We'll do it again in Vegas.

02:58:56.000 We're going to do it again.

02:58:57.000 We're going to do it again in bigger places.

02:58:59.000 We'll do it again in Vegas.

02:59:01.000 We'll do it again in LA. We'll do it again in as many places as we can.

02:59:04.000 Last night was amazing.

02:59:05.000 I don't know what to say other than the shit that I say over and over again.

02:59:09.000 I just couldn't be happier.

02:59:10.000 I don't know how it all happened, but I'm happy as fuck.

02:59:13.000 Thanks to audible.com.

02:59:15.000 Go to audible.com forward slash Joe.

02:59:17.000 Get 30 free days and one free audio book.

02:59:21.000 It is a great service and they are a great supporter of the podcast.

02:59:24.000 Go to...

02:59:25.000 Onnit.com.

02:59:26.000 That's O-N-N-I-T. Use the code name ROGAN and you can save yourself 10% off any and all supplements.

02:59:33.000 And one of the things that I always like to stress about Onnit is that Onnit has a 100% money-back guarantee on all supplements for the first 90 days.

02:59:42.000 Are we running out of time?

02:59:43.000 Yeah, we have like seconds then.

02:59:44.000 Suck it!

02:59:45.000 Bingo took all the super brain to cure her mental illness.

02:59:48.000 See you soon, fuckfaces!

02:59:50.000 I love the shit out of ya!

03:00:01.000 Thank you.

The Joe Rogan Experience - December 22, 2012

Joe Rogan Experience #301 - Doug Stanhope

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