The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #330

00:00:03.000 Oh, sweet bitches.

00:00:04.000 Here we go again.

00:00:06.000 This episode of the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by Audible.com.

00:00:11.000 If you go to Audible.com forward slash Joe, you will get one free audiobook and you can try Audible free for 30 days.

00:00:21.000 It's a badass service.

00:00:23.000 It's one of the coolest ways to spend time Whether it's in traffic or, you know, stuck on a train somewhere in a plane or whenever you're just forced to just sit there.

00:00:35.000 It makes that time so much better to have a good audio book.

00:00:41.000 I've been a fan of audiobooks forever.

00:00:44.000 And Audible is taken to the next level with this thing they have called WhisperSync.

00:00:48.000 And this is an application they developed for the Kindle Fire HD. And what it is, is when you're reading a book, you read a book on the Kindle, and say like you get to page 10 and you fall asleep, when you get up in the morning and get in your car, Your car will start playing an audio version of the book right where you left off.

00:01:08.000 It's such a cool move.

00:01:09.000 I'm a huge, huge fan of that.

00:01:11.000 And Brian is pulling up hooker books, which I don't think you should be reading.

00:01:16.000 Why?

00:01:16.000 Because those books are boring as fuck.

00:01:17.000 Dude, a hooker book read to you?

00:01:19.000 Are you kidding me?

00:01:20.000 Ew.

00:01:21.000 By some old bitch whose mouth is all like sandpaper from a million dicks been in there?

00:01:27.000 Xaviander Hollander.

00:01:29.000 Oh, I think she's, like, Xavier Hollander.

00:01:31.000 She was, like, when I was in, like, high school, she was, like, one of those first, like, B-movie freaks that would, like, do, like, Showtime, 2 o'clock in the morning movies.

00:01:42.000 Oh, really?

00:01:43.000 Yeah, they have these terrible, like, Cinemax movies.

00:01:46.000 Do you remember?

00:01:46.000 Emmanuel 99. Yeah, there was a bunch of those.

00:01:49.000 Like, she would always, like, oh my god, I can't believe this is happening, like, find herself in a fucking closet with some dude fingering her.

00:01:54.000 What's cool is you can play samples on Audible, so you can get a sample of the narration, too.

00:01:59.000 So we can listen to a little bit of this happy guide to hooker's sex process.

00:02:03.000 Alright, let's see what we got.

00:02:04.000 Have mind-blowing sex.

00:02:06.000 And if you follow the advice herein...

00:02:08.000 Dude, that's not a hooker.

00:02:10.000 That's the operator.

00:02:12.000 She's terrible.

00:02:13.000 Come on.

00:02:15.000 Please dial six.

00:02:16.000 Yeah, please stick my mouth on your penis.

00:02:20.000 You will not find advice in here about how to attract and seduce a mate.

00:02:25.000 Oh.

00:02:26.000 That bitch has no soul.

00:02:27.000 That is a woman who's made entirely out of mayonnaise.

00:02:30.000 Yo, so you could get any audiobook.

00:02:32.000 Do you have an audiobook?

00:02:33.000 No, I don't have an audiobook.

00:02:34.000 Oh, I got my audiobook.

00:02:36.000 I don't know if they have it on there.

00:02:36.000 Did you read it?

00:02:37.000 Yeah, I read my own audiobook.

00:02:38.000 What is the name of the book?

00:02:40.000 Fresh Off the Boat.

00:02:41.000 Fresh Off the Boat.

00:02:42.000 Let's see.

00:02:42.000 Pull it up, Brian.

00:02:46.000 Let's see if they have some hooker reading it.

00:02:49.000 Oh shit, that's me.

00:02:51.000 But you didn't read it.

00:02:52.000 Did you read it?

00:02:53.000 You read it?

00:02:53.000 Oh, you did read it.

00:02:55.000 Well, they wouldn't have it with somebody else.

00:02:57.000 That would be insulting.

00:02:58.000 Could you imagine if they did a...

00:02:59.000 That dude just sucks at reading his own book.

00:03:01.000 I asked for William Hung.

00:03:03.000 I was like, that motherfucker from American Idol should read the book.

00:03:08.000 What happened to that dude?

00:03:09.000 Should we tell the waiter?

00:03:10.000 We should send these back.

00:03:14.000 You're better at talking sex than that chick.

00:03:17.000 Was that weird reading your own book?

00:03:19.000 Was that like a long process or was it kind of like, oh, it's kind of cool.

00:03:22.000 I get to read this whole book through.

00:03:24.000 No, it was weird, but I'm reading.

00:03:26.000 It was cool because I had only read my book twice when I edited it.

00:03:30.000 So reading the audio was the third time I read the book.

00:03:32.000 I was like, oh, this is a dope book.

00:03:35.000 It was funny, but it is weird to hear your own voice.

00:03:37.000 It takes like a half day to be like, that's my fucking voice.

00:03:40.000 You get used to that shit.

00:03:41.000 Yeah.

00:03:41.000 So go to audible.com forward slash Joe and you can pick up that book by Eddie Huang.

00:03:45.000 How do you say it?

00:03:46.000 H-U-A-N-G. Yeah.

00:03:47.000 Eddie Huang.

00:03:48.000 Yep.

00:03:48.000 Eddie Huang.

00:03:50.000 Fresh Off the Boat, a memoir.

00:03:51.000 So go.

00:03:52.000 Do it.

00:03:53.000 It's free.

00:03:53.000 How do you go wrong?

00:03:54.000 And you can't go wrong with Audible.

00:03:55.000 They're cool.

00:03:55.000 And they're our sponsor.

00:03:57.000 We're also sponsored by Onnit.com.

00:03:58.000 That's O-N-N-I-T. Go and get yourself some kettlebells, bitch.

00:04:03.000 And become a more manly-fied version of yourself.

00:04:06.000 We got everything you need.

00:04:08.000 Between supplements, strength and conditioning equipment, we got exercise DVDs, blenders for making kale shakes.

00:04:16.000 We just try to sell you the coolest shit we could possibly find when it comes to...

00:04:19.000 Health, fitness, and wellness.

00:04:21.000 And if you use the code name ROGAN, you will save yourself 10% off any supplements.

00:04:25.000 Alright?

00:04:26.000 You dirty bitches?

00:04:28.000 Eddie Huang is here.

00:04:29.000 Let's get the party going.

00:04:31.000 Isn't it phonetic, the way Chinese to spelling?

00:04:35.000 The way you say your name, Huang, you picked an interesting way.

00:04:39.000 H-U-A-N-G. A-N-G. Yeah, it should just be like W-O-N-G. Yeah, it should be.

00:04:45.000 Yeah, no, the Cantonese way is W-O-N-G, and then the silly Mandarin people spelled it H-U-A-N-G. Silly Mandarin people.

00:04:51.000 Because it does not sound like Huang.

00:04:53.000 Yeah, it's tricky, though, when you're going from characters.

00:04:56.000 Hit it, Brian.

00:04:57.000 Play the music.

00:05:10.000 Powerful Eddie Wong is in the building.

00:05:13.000 That's H-U-A-N-G. What's up, motherfuckers?

00:05:16.000 For people searching W-O-N-G. Like us, silly, uninformed Americans.

00:05:22.000 It is funny that they have to change those characters And translate your name into English and put it into a sound and different people have disputes on how you should do that.

00:05:34.000 It's fucking crazy because it's like taking a photo and being like, how's that photo sound?

00:05:38.000 Huang.

00:05:39.000 Right.

00:05:39.000 You know, like, it's pretty impossible.

00:05:41.000 Yeah, well, the way you said that, it's like taking a photo, because the way you guys look at, like, language, the Chinese characters, it's totally different.

00:05:50.000 It's a different way of looking at the whole world.

00:05:51.000 Yeah.

00:05:52.000 That's a mindfuck and a half right there.

00:05:54.000 It's kind of Caveman's tease, because it's like, alright, I want to say this, I'm going to draw it out, you know?

00:05:59.000 Kind of.

00:05:59.000 But it's cool.

00:06:00.000 It's very, like, it's an artistic fucking language.

00:06:03.000 Yeah.

00:06:03.000 I definitely like it a lot.

00:06:04.000 Well, it looks good on people when you tattoo it, too.

00:06:07.000 Yes, yes.

00:06:08.000 But the funniest shit is white boy Asian tattoos.

00:06:11.000 I remember seeing one dude, he's like, hey, what's this say?

00:06:13.000 I'm like, motherfucker, that says energy on your arm.

00:06:16.000 You're like a Red Bull ad, bitch.

00:06:19.000 You wrote energy on your arm.

00:06:21.000 But that's what I am, man.

00:06:22.000 I'm all about energy.

00:06:23.000 Fuckin' good energy.

00:06:24.000 I'm all about positivity and chi.

00:06:27.000 I'm all about putting out my consciousness to the universe, the Chinese tattoos.

00:06:31.000 Yeah, man.

00:06:32.000 They say that the Egyptian language of hieroglyphs is an even bigger mindfuck because they see everything in these symbols.

00:06:42.000 The way Americans and people who read English language, the way we look at sentences, it's completely different than if you tried to read hieroglyphics.

00:06:56.000 Yeah, I mean, I don't read hieroglyphics, but I heard that shit is mad hard.

00:06:59.000 They needed the stone for it, the Rosetta Stone.

00:07:02.000 Yeah, they did.

00:07:03.000 Like, yeah, hieroglyphics is some shit.

00:07:05.000 That's even more caveman than Mandarin Chinese.

00:07:08.000 Like, Chinese is almost like refined hieroglyphics, but it still makes no sense.

00:07:13.000 Well, the fascinating thing about the hieroglyphics is that they depict all of the pharaohs, and they depict them from, you know, this whatever dynasty the...

00:07:25.000 You know the last pharaohs existed in to what gets into like fiction they think like 30,000 years like then they live in like hundreds years long and they're fucking 10 feet tall it gets like real wacky like that shit gets like super super old you know the stories got like more and more screwy before anybody bothered to write them down so it makes you wonder like man how long has that hieroglyphs writing actually been around you know?

00:07:49.000 Yo man salad tossing Yoshi He did give me the heads up.

00:07:53.000 He was like, Joe Rogan reads a lot of books, motherfucker.

00:07:56.000 Joe Rogan is a smart motherfucker.

00:07:59.000 Well, I'm just fascinated by weird shit, like the Egyptian culture.

00:08:03.000 Yeah, no, the Egyptian culture, that's the cradle.

00:08:05.000 I mean, that's where everybody came from.

00:08:07.000 Supposedly, yeah.

00:08:08.000 I mean, the only issue is that there's some new shit that they've been finding that's even older than that.

00:08:15.000 The real question when it gets to something like Egypt or anywhere, we've got some really, really old shit, is what happens if you find shit that's way older?

00:08:26.000 And what do you do then?

00:08:27.000 You can't say that Egypt was the oldest really advanced culture when you find Gobekli Tepe, which is in Turkey, which is 14,000 years old.

00:08:37.000 It's so much earlier than Egypt.

00:08:39.000 But not earlier than Africa in general, like the out of Africa theory, right?

00:08:43.000 Well, Gobekli Tepe is, right now, the oldest known complex structure that a human has ever built.

00:08:51.000 And they know that it's at least 14,000 years old.

00:08:54.000 That's fucking crazy.

00:08:55.000 Yeah, not only that, they know that it existed for thousands of years before it was intentionally covered.

00:09:00.000 And they've only, I think as of right now, they've only uncovered like 5% of the entire structure.

00:09:07.000 And it's enormous.

00:09:08.000 And there's a series of circles and stones.

00:09:11.000 But they've done like a – whatever they do with radio waves or whatever they do to map out what's going on under the surface.

00:09:18.000 And they've determined that it's massive.

00:09:19.000 That's awesome.

00:09:20.000 Yeah.

00:09:20.000 14,000 years ago.

00:09:21.000 So that's even older than Egypt.

00:09:25.000 That's insane.

00:09:26.000 Yeah.

00:09:26.000 That something was happening in Turkey before that.

00:09:29.000 Something huge.

00:09:30.000 Not just something.

00:09:31.000 People were able to – 14-foot stone columns that have been cut and moved.

00:09:35.000 Hundreds of tons of stone.

00:09:37.000 I mean these are like – this is advanced construction.

00:09:39.000 It doesn't dispel out of Africa though, right?

00:09:41.000 It doesn't necessarily, no.

00:09:43.000 No, because 14,000 years ago it still ain't shit.

00:09:45.000 I mean we're talking about human beings coming out of Africa and migrating.

00:09:49.000 It's like millions.

00:09:50.000 Yeah.

00:09:51.000 It's like what is a human?

00:09:52.000 It gets to – is it – which different Australopithecus?

00:09:59.000 At what point in time do you decide it's an early human?

00:10:01.000 Because at one point in time, it's like fucking amoeba.

00:10:04.000 And it goes from amoeba to being a lower primate and to being a higher primate.

00:10:09.000 When is that?

00:10:10.000 That's true.

00:10:10.000 It's all how you frame it.

00:10:12.000 Yeah, because you wouldn't want to hang out with an Australopithecus guy.

00:10:16.000 Those fucking idiots.

00:10:17.000 They're going to be like a monkey man eating his own shit and fucking trying to kill your cat.

00:10:22.000 That's not a human.

00:10:24.000 It would be like almost a human.

00:10:26.000 Yeah.

00:10:26.000 You know, but I think civilization in Mesopotamia was, like, super advanced.

00:10:34.000 They know, like, 6,000 years ago.

00:10:35.000 And Turkey, now being 14,000 years.

00:10:38.000 Still, it could go back to, like, 30,000 years, and that ain't shit in terms of, like, the history of the Earth.

00:10:44.000 And that would be insane for us to think that 30,000 years ago they had, like, complex cities.

00:10:49.000 But it's super possible.

00:10:50.000 Yo, I was talking to someone this week at TED, too.

00:10:53.000 She was a cosmologist, and she was telling me that Life can survive on Mars and that people you can actually, if you're willing to commit, they will take you to Mars and you can be part of the first...

00:11:04.000 If someone was saying, Joe, I could put you on a space shuttle, you could go to Mars and you could be part of the first colony and you could basically be the fucking Genghis Khan of Mars, would you do it?

00:11:14.000 No, it's stupid because Mars is just like a shitty apartment on Earth.

00:11:19.000 That's what it's like.

00:11:20.000 It's like a shitty apartment that you can't get out of.

00:11:23.000 Once you get there, that's where you're stuck.

00:11:25.000 You can't go outside because there's no oxygen.

00:11:26.000 You've got to terraform, put a dome over it, and there's no atmosphere.

00:11:29.000 No, she thinks that life can survive out there without that shit.

00:11:32.000 Well, she's not.

00:11:32.000 There's parts of Mars that she believes can sustain life.

00:11:36.000 No, she's silly.

00:11:37.000 That's not correct.

00:11:38.000 But hypothetically, let's say it's correct.

00:11:41.000 Okay, hypothetically, let's say it was correct.

00:11:43.000 You could be the Don Dada of a planet.

00:11:45.000 But dude, it would have to be a very small area, because most of Mars doesn't have...

00:11:49.000 Is there possible that the atmosphere would vary that much, where one part would be sustainable?

00:11:54.000 It's all alien to me.

00:11:55.000 Are you sure she wasn't talking about terraforming?

00:11:57.000 No, she was talking about Mars.

00:11:59.000 She said life can sustain on Mars.

00:12:01.000 Right.

00:12:01.000 That's what she was telling me.

00:12:02.000 But as it is.

00:12:02.000 And then she showed me a meteorite.

00:12:04.000 I was like, okay.

00:12:05.000 I kind of got fucked up by the show and tell because the show and tell kind of fucking threw me off.

00:12:09.000 I was like, damn, you got a rock from there?

00:12:12.000 Terraforming means when you go to an inhospitable climate and you set up machines like in the movie Alien, right?

00:12:19.000 Yeah.

00:12:19.000 I don't see how there's any other way to live on Mars other than that.

00:12:22.000 I don't think that atmosphere is thick enough to sustain life.

00:12:24.000 And that would be so scary if those machines broke one day or something.

00:12:27.000 Everyone died at once.

00:12:29.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:12:30.000 And died slow of asphyxiation when the air slowly gets eaten up by you.

00:12:34.000 Yeah, if someone told me you could go to Mars and there's everything you need and it's terraforming and Con Ed was in charge, I would never fucking go.

00:12:41.000 Listen, man, even if it was...

00:12:42.000 You don't have Con Ed in LA, obviously, but in New York, Con Ed fucks everything up.

00:12:47.000 We have the same thing.

00:12:51.000 Who's your electricity dude that fucks shit up?

00:12:54.000 Edison.

00:12:55.000 L.A. was famous for the brownouts back in the day where they just started shutting power off and basically they didn't have to do it.

00:13:03.000 It was all a greed thing.

00:13:05.000 Somehow or another they were making a fuckload of money doing that.

00:13:08.000 I don't remember what the scam was but people I believe lost their job and even went to jail for that shit.

00:13:13.000 Those brownouts.

00:13:15.000 Yeah, no, but Mars, I was thinking.

00:13:17.000 Fuck that.

00:13:18.000 Man, I don't want to go to Mars.

00:13:19.000 She said, you can go, but you can never come back.

00:13:22.000 I was like, hell no.

00:13:22.000 Okay, let me ask you this.

00:13:23.000 Would you go to the desert?

00:13:25.000 Would you go to the middle of the Sahara where there ain't shit and it's dangerous and you could die out there for no reason?

00:13:30.000 I would go to see it, but never to go stay forever.

00:13:33.000 Hell no.

00:13:34.000 But that's Mars.

00:13:34.000 Mars is just like going out into the Mojave.

00:13:37.000 There ain't shit out there.

00:13:38.000 You know what she said, though?

00:13:40.000 She said mad people from her classes and the other professors she knows Wanted to go.

00:13:45.000 They were all wanting to sign up to go to Mars.

00:13:47.000 You gotta be an egotistical motherfucker to be like, I want to be the first one on this bullshit planet.

00:13:53.000 Well, some people are silly.

00:13:54.000 That's a silly thing to do.

00:13:55.000 To go to another planet where you can't get back.

00:13:57.000 Fuck that.

00:13:59.000 Especially if Lance Bass is going.

00:14:00.000 Isn't he the one that's out in space and shit?

00:14:02.000 The Backstreet Boys or NSYNC dude in space?

00:14:04.000 Is he out in space?

00:14:06.000 He's tried?

00:14:06.000 He's trying.

00:14:07.000 He was one of the first ones.

00:14:08.000 Oh, he has done it, right?

00:14:10.000 He did it with the Russian cosmonauts, right?

00:14:12.000 I think so, yeah.

00:14:13.000 If they were like, you gotta go to Mars and Lance Bass is there, I would not fucking go.

00:14:17.000 That would be horrible.

00:14:19.000 Lance Bass gives good foot massages.

00:14:20.000 Oh, really?

00:14:21.000 He's cool to hang out with.

00:14:22.000 Oh, you got a foot massage from Lance Bass?

00:14:24.000 I said, maybe.

00:14:25.000 Maybe.

00:14:26.000 I'm just saying.

00:14:27.000 I think we're onto something.

00:14:27.000 It could be something better than going by yourself to Mars.

00:14:31.000 Maybe Lance Bass is a hell of a conversationalist.

00:14:34.000 And halfway through the six-month trip, you're like, this guy's starting to fucking grow on me.

00:14:38.000 He's like the White Lloyd from Entourage.

00:14:41.000 I never watched Hontor.

00:14:42.000 They kinda got like the same hair.

00:14:43.000 It was a horrible show.

00:14:45.000 I only watched it once.

00:14:46.000 I just watched to see what happened to the Asian dude.

00:14:48.000 And I don't know if it was a fair representative of the show.

00:14:50.000 I only watched it once and I was like okay what the fuck's going on here?

00:14:54.000 What are they watching?

00:14:55.000 Wasn't the Asian dude gay?

00:14:56.000 He was mad gay.

00:14:57.000 He was so funny.

00:15:00.000 He ate a lot of Kung Pao.

00:15:04.000 Would you go to Mars?

00:15:06.000 Would you?

00:15:07.000 If you knew it was dope, if you knew it was like Alaska in the summer, just beautiful, green...

00:15:12.000 Like they have the Bush Company?

00:15:13.000 I would go, you know?

00:15:15.000 No, if I could go to Mars and come back, hell yeah I would go.

00:15:18.000 If you could go and come back.

00:15:19.000 What if you could go and come back but it was only a 90% chance of success?

00:15:23.000 Success meaning life coming back?

00:15:26.000 Yeah, like 10% possibility that there might be a fucking solar flare while you're in the middle of the flight back and everybody in the plane gets cooked.

00:15:34.000 No, I wouldn't need 100%.

00:15:35.000 I won't even get laser eye surgery.

00:15:40.000 200%.

00:15:40.000 My brothers all got laser eye surgery.

00:15:42.000 I was like, you Chinese, you should not be fucking with your eyes.

00:15:46.000 You already fucked up and now you're going to introduce this new element of surgery?

00:15:50.000 Hell no.

00:15:51.000 Well, they supposedly had it down pretty good.

00:15:54.000 What level would you be willing to do it?

00:15:56.000 Like, 200%?

00:15:58.000 200%.

00:15:58.000 Yeah.

00:15:59.000 I don't think that's...

00:15:59.000 How could they do that?

00:16:01.000 It doesn't even make any sense.

00:16:02.000 Like, there's a 200% shit.

00:16:03.000 No, it would need to be 100% that I would come back.

00:16:05.000 100%.

00:16:05.000 But even if...

00:16:06.000 Because I love Earth.

00:16:07.000 Earth is some shit.

00:16:07.000 Air flight's not 100%, you know?

00:16:09.000 Come from New York to LA. You might as well.

00:16:12.000 Look...

00:16:12.000 Yeah.

00:16:12.000 Alright, if it was at 97%, I would go.

00:16:15.000 I'll deal with a 3%, like, plus minus.

00:16:18.000 I would imagine that if people keep going the way we're going now, in a thousand years from now, getting to Mars would be just like going to New York.

00:16:25.000 Oh, that would be awesome.

00:16:26.000 If we don't blow each other up in a thousand years, just imagine what we've done in 200 years.

00:16:30.000 In a thousand years, there'll be plane flights to Mars.

00:16:32.000 That would be dope.

00:16:33.000 It'd be so fast, like...

00:16:35.000 Five hours later, you're on Mars.

00:16:37.000 Did you say your percent was 7%?

00:16:40.000 97. Oh, 97. Yeah.

00:16:42.000 I would love to go.

00:16:43.000 I would love to go.

00:16:44.000 I just want to see that shit.

00:16:47.000 If you had a choice between going to another planet or going back in time.

00:16:51.000 Ooh.

00:16:53.000 That's a good call.

00:16:54.000 Because going back in time, you kind of know what you could see.

00:16:57.000 Yeah.

00:16:58.000 But, man, going back in time...

00:17:01.000 Well, I would probably...

00:17:04.000 You know, I would want to go to Mars because going back in time, the other times we've had, it's like less amenable.

00:17:09.000 Do you know what I mean?

00:17:10.000 Like, there's more diseases.

00:17:12.000 Right.

00:17:12.000 You don't get killed as easily.

00:17:14.000 Like, you get shanked.

00:17:15.000 You know, when you die back in the day, you get shanked.

00:17:17.000 Right.

00:17:18.000 It's not like a bullet in the head.

00:17:19.000 You could die easily now.

00:17:21.000 I would rather go to the future than go backwards.

00:17:24.000 For safety's sake.

00:17:26.000 Not just safety's sake, but I want to see the next shit.

00:17:29.000 Right.

00:17:29.000 There's not really...

00:17:30.000 I'm not like Woody Allen where there's a period in time where I would love to be a 1920s Paris.

00:17:35.000 Woody Allen!

00:17:36.000 You know, I would love to be a 1930s Italian.

00:17:39.000 You know, like, hell no, man.

00:17:40.000 Like, motherfuckers didn't have AC. Well, I'm with you.

00:17:44.000 I would way rather see the future, like a peak at the future than a peak at the past.

00:17:48.000 But if I had to choose between going to Mars or going to the past, I'd take the past without a doubt.

00:17:53.000 I would love to see how people lived thousands of years ago.

00:17:56.000 Yeah, man, to just peek in on Genghis Khan.

00:17:58.000 Oh, hell yeah.

00:17:59.000 But yo, you would get fucked up so heavy going to see Genghis Khan.

00:18:03.000 Like, that's...

00:18:04.000 I thought about it.

00:18:05.000 I would ride with Genghis Khan.

00:18:06.000 I'd be, motherfucker, I ride for you.

00:18:08.000 Just pull up in a tank.

00:18:09.000 Yeah.

00:18:09.000 Pull up in a tank, light these motherfuckers on fire with machine guns.

00:18:13.000 They won't know what's going on, and you would be the king.

00:18:15.000 You'd be like, Genghis, you have to suck my dick in front of everybody.

00:18:18.000 Oh, see, I want to go back in time with a fucking, like, iPad...

00:18:21.000 And be with Genghis Khan and just be like, yo, you're the original Rough Rider.

00:18:25.000 You're like DMX before DMX, motherfucker.

00:18:27.000 You're the fucking chinky-eyed DMX. I want to film this shit and make a Rough Riders video with all you Mongolians on horses and fucking crossbows and shit.

00:18:35.000 He would make you eat your own calves.

00:18:36.000 That's what he would do.

00:18:37.000 Saw your calf off and make you cook it and eat it.

00:18:40.000 He would rob me from my iPad and throw me in a pot.

00:18:43.000 You know, like, yeah.

00:18:45.000 Chilling with Genghis Khan would suck, dude.

00:18:48.000 He would either fuck my mom and be like, I want to genetically duplicate myself and your mom, or chop me up and put me in a pot.

00:18:56.000 I've been listening to Dan Carlin.

00:18:58.000 He would Mongolian barbecue my ass.

00:19:00.000 Dan Carlin was our guest on Monday, and he has a podcast called Hardcore History, and right now it's all about the Mongols.

00:19:10.000 That's all he's been talking about.

00:19:11.000 I love the Mongols.

00:19:12.000 It's like the illest civilization ever.

00:19:14.000 Great barbecue.

00:19:17.000 Listen, man, their style is like meat over fire, because that's what you do when you're raping and killing people.

00:19:23.000 It's that baby corn that Mongolians have.

00:19:26.000 It's so amazing.

00:19:27.000 Baby corns.

00:19:29.000 What is it about baby corn that's so much more exciting than regular corn?

00:19:32.000 That Mongolian produce, that fucking baby corn.

00:19:35.000 The story of the Mongols and how much they accomplished and they took over countries and then they would force the people in that country to go with them to war and they would become soldiers.

00:19:49.000 They would invade Poland and steal Polish people.

00:19:52.000 They made French people fight against other Europeans.

00:19:55.000 They go, bitch, you're coming with us and you're going to be us now.

00:19:59.000 What are you going to do?

00:20:00.000 Are you going to fight for us or are you going to die right now?

00:20:02.000 I'll fight.

00:20:03.000 And they just start fighting other people.

00:20:05.000 They incorporate them into their army.

00:20:07.000 They had crazy strategies.

00:20:08.000 Everyone joined their crew.

00:20:10.000 Everyone joined their crew.

00:20:11.000 He was basically Drogo from Game of Thrones in real life.

00:20:15.000 But even more fucked up, because after you would conquer, like, the people that were left, they would say, okay, congratulations, we won, there's no one left to kill, so you're free to go.

00:20:25.000 And then three miles later, they'd fucking run them down and hack them to bits.

00:20:29.000 Oh, wow.

00:20:30.000 Oh, dude!

00:20:31.000 This Dan Carlin guy, he's a trip, man.

00:20:34.000 He's a serious historian, and especially this whole period that he's going over right now.

00:20:39.000 It's fucking great to live in 1200 years.

00:20:44.000 You know?

00:20:44.000 Yeah.

00:20:45.000 Jesus Christ.

00:20:46.000 The nutty shit that that guy was going through.

00:20:50.000 They said that some insane percentage of the population of that area has his DNA. Oh, he's the most duplicated man in the world.

00:20:58.000 Ever.

00:20:59.000 Ever.

00:21:00.000 Like, if there's one person...

00:21:01.000 I love myself.

00:21:03.000 I'm not an egotistical dude, but I do kind of like myself.

00:21:05.000 If I could be any other man, though, it would be Genghis Khan, no doubt.

00:21:08.000 Like, I wouldn't think twice.

00:21:10.000 Genghis Khan is the hardest motherfucker ever.

00:21:13.000 He got a lot of pussy.

00:21:13.000 But you wouldn't want to be so mean.

00:21:15.000 He was so mean.

00:21:17.000 Would you want to be that mean?

00:21:19.000 If you went back in time like that though, you couldn't be that mean.

00:21:23.000 You'd be like, God, why are we torturing everybody?

00:21:26.000 But that's so much pussy, Joe.

00:21:27.000 I mean, that was tons of pussy.

00:21:29.000 Well, it was constant.

00:21:30.000 It was constant pussy.

00:21:32.000 Yeah, they would steal each other's wives and shit back then.

00:21:36.000 We were like chimps with swords.

00:21:41.000 That's what human beings were like.

00:21:42.000 If you could give chimps a bunch of swords, they would do terrible, horrible shit.

00:21:47.000 We don't think about human beings as being capable of doing terrible, horrible shit.

00:21:51.000 But even today, if you look at some of the accounts of what's going on in North Korea, like those North Korean slave camps.

00:21:58.000 Syria?

00:21:58.000 Oh man, it's bad.

00:22:00.000 There's parts of the world.

00:22:01.000 There's always going to be parts of the world where it's terrible.

00:22:04.000 And people are capable in those parts of the world of doing shit that you only read about in history books.

00:22:09.000 Yeah.

00:22:10.000 Do you see Dennis Rodman going to North Korea?

00:22:12.000 Yes!

00:22:13.000 Insane.

00:22:13.000 Yes, I tweeted that today.

00:22:14.000 Is he out of his fucking mind?

00:22:16.000 I don't know, man.

00:22:17.000 They're not going to like him in North Korea.

00:22:18.000 I don't think he understands what North Korea is.

00:22:21.000 He's going over there to do some sort of a Harlem Globetrotters thing.

00:22:24.000 Oh, yeah.

00:22:24.000 I don't know, man.

00:22:25.000 Americans can't really wrap their head around how fucked up North Korea is.

00:22:30.000 Right?

00:22:31.000 It's fucked up.

00:22:32.000 It's Nazi Germany.

00:22:33.000 Yeah.

00:22:34.000 Just like Nazi Germany.

00:22:35.000 I was gonna say, you're walking into like Hitler's country.

00:22:39.000 It's crazy.

00:22:40.000 It's crazy.

00:22:41.000 The whole country is- Anyone trying to leave, they kill at the border.

00:22:44.000 Oh yeah.

00:22:44.000 And there's so many slaves.

00:22:46.000 They have so many slaves and they have these slave colonies where they're making these people work for like half a bowl of rice a day.

00:22:53.000 They're starving to death.

00:22:54.000 They keep them just barely above starving.

00:22:56.000 They beat them to death constantly.

00:22:58.000 They feed them to dogs.

00:23:00.000 Like people that have escaped, who have told stories- The human rights violations that we're hearing from North Korea, like all that shit about going to Iraq, you know, because we're going over there to fucking protect lives and enforce democracy.

00:23:13.000 If we really wanted to protect lives, we would be in North Korea right now.

00:23:17.000 We would be in North Korea, we'd be in Syria.

00:23:18.000 Yeah, you're right.

00:23:19.000 That place, especially North Korea, I'm more familiar with that than I am with what's going on in Syria.

00:23:24.000 But North Korea is a crazy mess right now.

00:23:27.000 No, absolutely.

00:23:28.000 Our country is not a country that's out there benevolently...

00:23:33.000 It's just really to protect the business interests at hand.

00:23:37.000 Which movie did you want to win the Oscar?

00:23:40.000 I'm curious.

00:23:41.000 I don't give a fuck about the Oscars.

00:23:42.000 I think that awards for art are some of the dumbest things.

00:23:46.000 It is.

00:23:46.000 To judge art.

00:23:48.000 I'm interested though, just because I'm like, will they pick the right one this year?

00:23:52.000 I'm only curious to see if one day they'll do the right thing.

00:23:55.000 Django was the best shit out.

00:23:57.000 Django was the hardest movie out this year.

00:23:59.000 It should have won.

00:24:00.000 Yeah.

00:24:00.000 That was a great movie.

00:24:01.000 And even though it was three hours, it never lost my attention.

00:24:03.000 No.

00:24:03.000 That movie kept me going the whole time.

00:24:05.000 And like to do Argo, right, you're just basically recreating some shit to happen.

00:24:09.000 What?

00:24:09.000 I don't believe it.

00:24:10.000 But see, both of those movies, the problem with those movies is they're based on real events and they add a bunch of bullshit to them.

00:24:16.000 And it's not real.

00:24:17.000 Yeah.

00:24:17.000 They add a bunch of bullshit to them.

00:24:19.000 And when you add a bunch of bullshit, like the woman that was responsible for everything in Zero Dark Thirty that made the whole thing happen, you're going to go kill him for me.

00:24:27.000 That bitch didn't exist.

00:24:28.000 No.

00:24:28.000 She's not a real human.

00:24:29.000 Yeah.

00:24:30.000 You can't do that.

00:24:31.000 Yeah.

00:24:31.000 It's like you can't just add people to historical movies.

00:24:34.000 That's crazy.

00:24:35.000 Plus, if someone was going to find Bin Laden, it wouldn't be a ginger.

00:24:39.000 It might be.

00:24:40.000 They're good at finding dicks!

00:24:41.000 Oh!

00:24:44.000 Yeah, I mean, look, the lady was a great actor.

00:24:47.000 The movie was very well done, but I call shenanigans.

00:24:50.000 You can't just create a fucking fictional character that figures it all out.

00:24:54.000 And there was no George Bush.

00:24:55.000 Like, you're going to do the whole fucking movie with no dumbass George Bush fucking it up?

00:24:59.000 The whole thing was weird.

00:25:00.000 It was weird.

00:25:01.000 It was a weird movie, man.

00:25:02.000 It was a very weird movie.

00:25:03.000 But I remember watching Django and I was like, if this shit doesn't win the Oscars, it's bullshit.

00:25:07.000 It is bullshit.

00:25:11.000 It's bullshit.

00:25:12.000 It's ridiculous.

00:25:13.000 Look, Titanic was not a good movie.

00:25:14.000 No.

00:25:15.000 It was not a good movie.

00:25:16.000 It won the Oscars.

00:25:17.000 You know what's good about Titanic?

00:25:20.000 Special effects were fucking incredible.

00:25:22.000 It was amazing.

00:25:23.000 It was a vehicle.

00:25:24.000 For showing what's possible cinematically with special effects in 19, whatever the fuck it was, 90-something.

00:25:30.000 Dare you talk bad about Leonardo.

00:25:31.000 But as far as like a script, it's like really obvious, you know?

00:25:36.000 It was hot trash.

00:25:37.000 More obvious than Avatar.

00:25:38.000 Avatar was like knocked for being obvious, but I thought Avatar was even more creative with like the crazy plants that you can plug into.

00:25:45.000 Yeah, and the screenplay was slightly better.

00:25:47.000 Yeah.

00:25:47.000 Like slightly better.

00:25:48.000 And also Avatar was actually like, in terms of special effects, even more progressive.

00:25:53.000 Yes, even more.

00:26:11.000 Avatar was on some shit That movie's insane.

00:26:14.000 The visual experience, especially if you go to IMAX 3D. Motherfucker, man.

00:26:19.000 Just when those dudes were popping out of their little sleep tanks and floating through the air, you're like, this movie is badass.

00:26:25.000 Yeah, I remember when I saw Up in 3D, and I was like, this is the worst use of 3D ever.

00:26:30.000 Like, it just made the Asian kid chubbier.

00:26:34.000 Yeah, there's some movies that don't really do a good job with it, but Avatar was stunning.

00:26:39.000 It was more than just a movie.

00:26:41.000 I mean, two best movies this year was fucking Django and Wreck-It Ralph.

00:26:45.000 Wreck-It Ralph was one of the best movies of the year.

00:26:47.000 I don't know what you're talking about.

00:26:48.000 I don't even know what you're talking about.

00:26:49.000 Oh, you gotta watch Wreck-It Ralph.

00:26:50.000 What is it?

00:26:51.000 Yo, you would love it.

00:26:51.000 I've never heard of it.

00:26:52.000 It's all your favorite characters from fucking video games in a video game world and it's an animated feature about all your favorite video game characters.

00:26:58.000 He might not like it because he's not that big into the video games.

00:27:01.000 Wait a minute.

00:27:01.000 This was a release in the film?

00:27:04.000 This is a Disney movie.

00:27:06.000 Sarah Silverman is in it.

00:27:08.000 John C. Rowley.

00:27:09.000 Hey!

00:27:10.000 Yeah.

00:27:11.000 Wow!

00:27:11.000 I've never even heard of it until just now.

00:27:13.000 Yeah.

00:27:14.000 Goddammit, there's too much to know.

00:27:15.000 Watch it with the chick that's the closest one to being your best chick in your stable.

00:27:21.000 That's the one you should watch it with.

00:27:23.000 Best chick in your stable.

00:27:23.000 I would recommend watching it with your kids.

00:27:25.000 They might like it.

00:27:27.000 You think so?

00:27:28.000 For real?

00:27:28.000 Yeah.

00:27:29.000 Wow, okay.

00:27:30.000 Wreck-It Ralph.

00:27:31.000 Wreck-It Ralph.

00:27:32.000 It's got car racing in it.

00:27:33.000 I haven't even heard of it before.

00:27:34.000 Oh, it's on iTunes right now.

00:27:35.000 That's crazy, man.

00:27:37.000 When something is badass and you haven't even heard of it before.

00:27:39.000 I mean, bison from Street Fighters.

00:27:41.000 Yeah, that's the best is when you're like, wait, that missed me and now I have something to do this weekend?

00:27:45.000 Fuck yeah.

00:27:45.000 Who were we talking to recently that never heard of Grizzly Man?

00:27:48.000 We're like, what?

00:27:50.000 I don't know.

00:27:51.000 Have you heard of it?

00:27:51.000 The documentary?

00:27:52.000 I have not.

00:27:52.000 God damn it, son.

00:27:54.000 How could we...

00:27:54.000 But I'm also Chinese.

00:27:56.000 When was this?

00:27:57.000 Grizzly Man?

00:27:58.000 Fairly recently.

00:27:59.000 Oh, I kind of miss certain cultural things.

00:28:01.000 Six years ago, maybe?

00:28:02.000 Something like that?

00:28:04.000 Grizzly Man is a movie about a dude who lived with the bears and got eaten by the bears.

00:28:10.000 Yeah, people told me about this, but I was like, I'm not interested.

00:28:12.000 It wasn't in the World Journal.

00:28:13.000 You need to smoke a joint and watch this and laugh.

00:28:17.000 He got eaten by a bear?

00:28:18.000 Laugh your dick off at this silly, silly bitch.

00:28:23.000 This guy might be the silliest bitch to ever go camping.

00:28:26.000 He was crazy and the bear ate him at the end of the movie.

00:28:29.000 It's fascinating because it's not meant to be funny.

00:28:33.000 It's a Werner Herzog film.

00:28:34.000 Oh, okay.

00:28:35.000 It's not meant to be funny, but it's just funny.

00:28:37.000 I mean, it's like the perfect Coen Brothers movie.

00:28:41.000 You know how Coen Brothers movies, it's like...

00:28:43.000 Yeah, dark and...

00:28:44.000 Yeah, accidentally funny almost.

00:28:45.000 It's like Fargo.

00:28:47.000 Fargo's a funny fucking movie.

00:28:49.000 Fargo's amazing.

00:28:50.000 But yeah, I didn't even understand Fargo until I was 20. When you're younger and watching, you're like, what is going on?

00:28:56.000 Why?

00:28:57.000 Why do they do this?

00:28:59.000 And then you're older, you're like, I fucking hate people.

00:29:03.000 I hate you.

00:29:04.000 Die.

00:29:04.000 All of you in the wood shit machine.

00:29:06.000 When you get used to people being bullshit artists, that's when the salesman and his fucking true coat become so much more entertaining.

00:29:14.000 When you run into one of those bullshit salesmen who's just trying so hard to sell you this shit.

00:29:18.000 Fucking bullshit that you spray in the bottom of your car.

00:29:21.000 You hit 19 and then you just want to see people die.

00:29:24.000 Then you want to see them die.

00:29:25.000 It's so unfortunate.

00:29:26.000 Why is that?

00:29:27.000 Not all of them, just the cunts of the world.

00:29:29.000 Just some of them.

00:29:29.000 Just the useless fucks clogging it up for everybody else.

00:29:33.000 Yup.

00:29:33.000 Yeah, but that movie, Grizzly Man, is a must.

00:29:37.000 I watched that.

00:29:37.000 It's a must.

00:29:38.000 Is there a must that you would like to recommend to people?

00:29:41.000 Do you have a must that you tell people, like you have to see this?

00:29:45.000 Man, I mean, this year was Wreck-It Ralph and Django, but before that, I mean, hmm.

00:29:50.000 It's been Grizzly Man since I saw it.

00:29:53.000 That's all I recommend to people.

00:29:55.000 No, those are my ones this year, but no, yeah, I don't have like a go-to must movie.

00:30:00.000 Can you imagine how big a grizzly bear is compared to that werewolf out there?

00:30:03.000 Yo, that werewolf would fuck me up.

00:30:06.000 It would fuck you up, but a grizzly would eat that werewolf.

00:30:09.000 A grizzly would be like, bitch, get the fuck over here.

00:30:11.000 Really, the grizzly is bigger than the werewolf?

00:30:12.000 That werewolf is big, man.

00:30:14.000 That werewolf is fucking big.

00:30:16.000 That's only like seven feet long.

00:30:18.000 Have you seen Spirited Away?

00:30:21.000 Why don't you tell me what that is?

00:30:22.000 Spirited Away is an animation, the Japanese animated film.

00:30:26.000 Yeah, and it's really, really trippy.

00:30:28.000 And it's a real cool animation to see while you're really stoned.

00:30:32.000 How old is this?

00:30:35.000 2001, I think.

00:30:36.000 Oh, okay.

00:30:37.000 I think I have seen that.

00:30:39.000 What's the guy's name?

00:30:43.000 Heyo Miyake or something?

00:30:45.000 Something like that?

00:30:46.000 It's a good movie.

00:30:48.000 I do believe I've seen that, now that I think about it.

00:30:50.000 I think I have.

00:30:51.000 It's with the little girl and the big cat and the weird faces and stuff.

00:30:55.000 It's really cool.

00:30:56.000 Yeah, I do think I've seen that.

00:30:58.000 Is that yours?

00:30:59.000 That's one of my...

00:31:00.000 That's one of my...

00:31:01.000 I have movies that I can watch over and over and over again.

00:31:04.000 That's one of them.

00:31:05.000 That's relaxing.

00:31:06.000 It can't get annoying because it's so relaxing and calm and cool.

00:31:10.000 That's the opposite of Grizzly, man.

00:31:12.000 I thought Tron was pretty cool, too.

00:31:14.000 The new Tron.

00:31:15.000 Did you really?

00:31:16.000 You would recommend that?

00:31:16.000 I wouldn't recommend it, but I think that year, that would have been in my handful of movies.

00:31:21.000 I just thought it was trippy to watch.

00:31:22.000 Well, I think to you, it represented the old days, the old Tron.

00:31:27.000 I was a huge Tron fan.

00:31:28.000 Yeah, if you're a Tron fan, I can see it, but it was a piece of shit.

00:31:31.000 Yeah, it was cool to watch.

00:31:33.000 The special effects were weird.

00:31:35.000 It's like it was so obvious it wasn't really a young him.

00:31:37.000 It was like they did something to his face and turned him into a young him.

00:31:40.000 That was creepy.

00:31:41.000 I mean, I guess the one film I recommend to everyone is Kill a Season.

00:31:44.000 Right?

00:31:45.000 Cameron's Kill a Season.

00:31:46.000 What is that?

00:31:47.000 Juel Santana's in it.

00:31:48.000 All the Dipset dudes are in it.

00:31:50.000 It's like the worst made film.

00:31:51.000 Who are the Dipset dudes?

00:31:52.000 Oh, you don't listen to the Dipset?

00:31:55.000 Oh, shit.

00:31:56.000 Am I alone in knowing what the dip set is?

00:31:59.000 Yo, y'all don't know the dip set?

00:32:00.000 Y'all don't know the dip set.

00:32:02.000 My grandfather's rolling over his grave.

00:32:04.000 I told you these fucking kids today.

00:32:06.000 Y'all don't know the dip set.

00:32:08.000 Did you just ask my grandson?

00:32:10.000 Y'all don't know the dip set.

00:32:11.000 Son of a...

00:32:12.000 Put your fucking pants up.

00:32:13.000 I just put you on to some shit, Joe.

00:32:15.000 What is it?

00:32:15.000 Because you need to get Diplomatic Immunity 1, Diplomatic Immunity 2, and then watch Killer Season.

00:32:20.000 What are we talking about?

00:32:22.000 Killa Season has Dominican women shitting cocaine out of their asses.

00:32:25.000 It's awesome.

00:32:26.000 Did you guys...

00:32:26.000 I was going to bring this up yesterday.

00:32:28.000 Did you guys hear about this guy who got arrested with a hundred bags of heroin up his ass?

00:32:34.000 No.

00:32:34.000 A hundred bags?

00:32:35.000 A hundred bags.

00:32:37.000 It was a traffic stop.

00:32:38.000 Is his asshole a sinkhole?

00:32:42.000 You have a sinkhole in your pants, sir.

00:32:44.000 It's a hundred bags of heroin, man.

00:32:46.000 That's insane.

00:32:47.000 Yeah, a hundred...

00:32:47.000 The man...

00:32:48.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:32:49.000 Oh, my.

00:32:50.000 Okay, I look, I look, this...

00:32:54.000 Killer Season?

00:32:55.000 No, no, this one.

00:32:56.000 Okay, this guy just had one.

00:32:58.000 Okay, the other guy had it in his ass.

00:33:01.000 One guy just had 200 bags.

00:33:03.000 I'm like, did someone just take it to the next level and go, 200 bags?

00:33:06.000 Oh, there we are, Hellrell and Jewels, right here.

00:33:09.000 This is from Killer Season.

00:33:11.000 I'm watching my bag every second right now.

00:33:13.000 And this is a movie?

00:33:14.000 Yes.

00:33:14.000 That new white shit is moving.

00:33:16.000 Yeah, new white shit is killing the block right now.

00:33:18.000 This is so amazing.

00:33:21.000 This is a terrible movie.

00:33:23.000 This movie is amazing, man.

00:33:25.000 You already know, my nigga.

00:33:28.000 You gotta watch this shit.

00:33:29.000 Stop it.

00:33:31.000 That's what it is.

00:33:33.000 That's clockwork.

00:33:35.000 Here you go, my nigga.

00:33:50.000 So this dude gets busted on the Palisades Parkway.

00:33:55.000 They pull him over in his 2005 Mitsubishi Lancer, and he's acting real weird.

00:34:02.000 And so they decide to bring him in.

00:34:06.000 So they bring him in and they open up his ass.

00:34:09.000 They just gave him a cavity check.

00:34:11.000 I mean, the guy didn't do anything wrong.

00:34:12.000 Yeah.

00:34:12.000 I mean, they pulled him over.

00:34:13.000 He just looked weird.

00:34:14.000 He was tweaking out on his own.

00:34:16.000 Something was going on with him, man.

00:34:17.000 He was pulled over.

00:34:18.000 I mean, routine traffic stop.

00:34:20.000 But they detected a smell of marijuana.

00:34:23.000 And that's where they...

00:34:26.000 That's where they got him.

00:34:27.000 And they brought him in because they smelled marijuana.

00:34:29.000 That's it.

00:34:30.000 And he had 100 bags of heroin up his ass.

00:34:33.000 And you can't put 100 bags of heroin up your ass while the cops are going from their car to your car.

00:34:38.000 You can't do that.

00:34:39.000 So he was driving around with those packed up his ass.

00:34:42.000 What an idiot.

00:34:43.000 Why would you drive around and smoke weed with 100 packs of heroin in your ass?

00:34:46.000 Well, I think he's just one of those guys.

00:34:49.000 That's his move.

00:34:51.000 Maybe it's like how Russian chicks would put Benoit balls in their pussy to tighten up their fuck muscle.

00:34:57.000 Maybe this dude was just like exercising his ass storage.

00:35:01.000 His starfish.

00:35:02.000 Yeah, he's just working out that starfish.

00:35:04.000 Or maybe he didn't trust his roommates.

00:35:05.000 Like, man, if I leave this 100 bags of heroin later, all these motherfuckers are going to sell it.

00:35:09.000 He went to the gym.

00:35:11.000 He's like, man, I can't fit it in my pocket.

00:35:14.000 I can't leave it in my dash.

00:35:18.000 Let's work out that starfish.

00:35:19.000 The glove box is full.

00:35:23.000 Maybe I just stuffed this up my ass.

00:35:25.000 Can I fit 100 bags?

00:35:27.000 Well, let's see.

00:35:29.000 Five?

00:35:31.000 Six?

00:35:32.000 Wow, am I really going to get 94 more bags?

00:35:35.000 Have you ever put anything up your ass, like a pill or anything ever?

00:35:39.000 No.

00:35:39.000 Washcloth?

00:35:41.000 Washcloth?

00:35:41.000 Yeah, finger in the end of a washcloth.

00:35:43.000 Oh, I've never done that.

00:35:44.000 Yeah, clean it out.

00:35:45.000 Make sure you get the inside.

00:35:46.000 Oh, wow.

00:35:47.000 That seemed like a good idea.

00:35:47.000 Inside the rim.

00:35:48.000 Oh, my God.

00:35:49.000 Like an ass manicure?

00:35:50.000 A little soap.

00:35:51.000 A little soap, a little polish.

00:35:53.000 Oh, interesting maneuver.

00:35:56.000 Yeah, I've never done that.

00:35:57.000 No, have you?

00:35:58.000 No, I've never even taken a thermometer.

00:36:00.000 A thermometer, yeah.

00:36:02.000 I had a doctor stick a finger up my ass once.

00:36:05.000 Yeah, I had to, like, when you're a kid, when you have a fever, they fucking put, like, Advil in your ass, I think.

00:36:09.000 Yeah, it's...

00:36:11.000 I've never been into the girl putting a finger in my ass.

00:36:14.000 No, no, no.

00:36:15.000 Never had that happen.

00:36:16.000 But they say it's amazing.

00:36:17.000 It's so...

00:36:18.000 I just...

00:36:19.000 I don't want to go there.

00:36:20.000 I'm not going to open that box.

00:36:21.000 It's supposed to be amazing, though.

00:36:22.000 It could be amazing.

00:36:23.000 It's supposed to be like a prostate massage thing, and you shoot like a fucking...

00:36:29.000 Broken fire hydrant.

00:36:31.000 Joe, I think you're pretty much saying that you've done it.

00:36:35.000 No.

00:36:36.000 I would admit it, man.

00:36:37.000 So the third sponsor of the podcast is Fingers in the Ass.

00:36:42.000 So guys, go to forward backslash Joe Rogan, fingeruptheass.com.

00:36:46.000 10% and get a pinky.

00:36:48.000 Don't ask for the...

00:36:49.000 Use the code name, don't ask for the third finger.

00:36:52.000 And you can save yourself 10% off embarrassment.

00:36:55.000 Yeah, because a girl, like, if she's like, You want me to put a second finger?

00:36:59.000 And you're like, yeah, yeah.

00:37:00.000 What about a third?

00:37:01.000 Okay, no.

00:37:02.000 No.

00:37:02.000 Third?

00:37:03.000 No, you're fucked up.

00:37:04.000 What's wrong with you?

00:37:04.000 You want three fingers?

00:37:05.000 You want to meet three fingers up his ass.

00:37:07.000 Oh, you need to get out.

00:37:09.000 You need a better man in your life.

00:37:12.000 Yo, can I take a piss break real quick?

00:37:13.000 My bad.

00:37:14.000 You've never had a girl try?

00:37:15.000 I've had a girl try.

00:37:17.000 A lot of them always try, like, jokingly.

00:37:19.000 You've never let it happen?

00:37:20.000 Oh, no, no, no.

00:37:21.000 Never.

00:37:22.000 That tickles and makes me feel gross.

00:37:24.000 I'm one of the people that believe or subscribe...

00:37:26.000 Into the thing that you're not allowed to look at it.

00:37:31.000 You're not allowed to see it.

00:37:32.000 You're not allowed to smell it.

00:37:32.000 You're not allowed to touch it.

00:37:33.000 I don't want anything around my asshole.

00:37:35.000 Nothing around your asshole.

00:37:36.000 I don't know why.

00:37:37.000 Hey man, whatever.

00:37:38.000 It's my dirty place.

00:37:38.000 It's good.

00:37:39.000 It's probably a mess.

00:37:40.000 I mean, I don't see you grooming.

00:37:43.000 I don't see you getting down there with a fucking mirror and a Bic 3 blade.

00:37:48.000 Who has time for that, Joe?

00:37:49.000 Polishing that area up nice.

00:37:51.000 Cleaning it up for company.

00:37:54.000 No?

00:37:55.000 No.

00:37:55.000 But meanwhile, if a girl's going 69 on you, her eyeballs are like fucking inches away from that dirty disaster of an asshole of yours.

00:38:03.000 Do you let girls eat your ass?

00:38:04.000 Do you let them toss your salad ever?

00:38:06.000 Have you ever had that?

00:38:07.000 I've never had that.

00:38:08.000 I've had girls get to the balls and the taint, but I've never had a girl just nom nom nom on your ass.

00:38:16.000 And you eat ass, right?

00:38:18.000 I've seen it in porn.

00:38:19.000 You've seen it in porn.

00:38:20.000 Look, there's certain things we can't discuss in this program.

00:38:23.000 Whether I eat my wife's ass is one of them.

00:38:25.000 No, I mean, in the prior.

00:38:28.000 That's even less likely to be brought up.

00:38:32.000 Chicks don't want to hear about that.

00:38:33.000 So, it was okay to eat ass before we were married.

00:38:35.000 I didn't even know you!

00:38:36.000 I didn't know you existed!

00:38:38.000 I ate a little ass before I knew you existed!

00:38:41.000 Whatever!

00:38:42.000 You couldn't have waited until it was the special one.

00:38:44.000 You couldn't have waited.

00:38:46.000 Eating ass is something that came later to me in life, like, you know, like, blue cheese.

00:38:49.000 Like, you don't like blue cheese most of your life, and then one day you're like, you know, this is really good.

00:38:53.000 Like, I didn't like eating ass.

00:38:54.000 Now I love eating a girl's ass.

00:38:55.000 It's one of my favorite things ever.

00:38:56.000 Well, like, how long ago did this start for you?

00:39:00.000 Like, when you started dating freaks?

00:39:02.000 No.

00:39:02.000 Because you went through the Brian Red Band.

00:39:04.000 You went into your Brian Red Band freak period a few years back.

00:39:08.000 Coincidentally, right when we started doing this podcast, Yeah, I think it was right around that time, maybe right before.

00:39:14.000 You got introduced into the world of girls with troubled childhoods, and then, boom, you were off to the races.

00:39:20.000 33 or 34 years.

00:39:22.000 You were off to the races.

00:39:23.000 And the problem is, when you deal with the world of uber-freak professional sex workers, essentially, that's what you're dealing with.

00:39:32.000 And then to try to go from that to some girl who was working on her accounting degree, Is there any hope?

00:39:40.000 Or are you kind of spoiled?

00:39:42.000 I'm spoiled, right?

00:39:43.000 Yeah, you're fucked.

00:39:44.000 Well, you know, look, man, let's be honest.

00:39:46.000 You're batting quite a bit over your head.

00:39:47.000 And that's hard to keep going in the regular world.

00:39:51.000 Because in the regular world, girls will eventually get mad at you.

00:39:54.000 In the porn world, they're just happy that they have a man.

00:39:57.000 They're happy that someone's there for them and someone loves them.

00:40:00.000 Someone doesn't just treat them as something to just come inside of.

00:40:03.000 So they want to be cuddled and taken care of.

00:40:07.000 Do you go back and watch Nickelodeon?

00:40:09.000 You don't go watch Nickelodeon.

00:40:11.000 Once you've seen all the other shit, you don't go watch Nickelodeon.

00:40:14.000 I loved Doug at the time, but I don't watch Doug anymore.

00:40:17.000 There's a style of super sexual woman that you're only going to get from a chick that's probably willing to do porn.

00:40:26.000 Like a girl who wants to have threesomes with you, a girl who wants to eat your ass while you're fucking another girl.

00:40:35.000 I'm just telling Brian that I see his future.

00:40:38.000 You're going to have to go gay, is what I'm trying to say.

00:40:40.000 It's not going to work out if you get rid of...

00:40:42.000 The final frontier for you, dude, is dudes.

00:40:44.000 For real, I think that if you just want to fuck, it's way more fun to just date a bunch of freaks.

00:40:54.000 I mean, if you're just trying to fuck...

00:40:57.000 The problem is, if you want to, like, really settle down and have a relationship, a lot of girls who have been involved in the adult industry, in quotes, they've had a fucked up past.

00:41:08.000 And you're dealing with, like, a deficit.

00:41:13.000 Do you think if a woman's a nympho and you date a nympho for, like, a year and a half, two years...

00:41:18.000 That you would then become a nympho because you have to be on her same...

00:41:23.000 It's like, you know...

00:41:24.000 No, I don't think so.

00:41:26.000 I think it's a theme park that you leave.

00:41:28.000 A theme park that you leave.

00:41:30.000 I like that.

00:41:31.000 That's a good way of looking at it.

00:41:32.000 Yeah, there's some girls...

00:41:33.000 There's some girls...

00:41:35.000 I dated a girl once that couldn't come.

00:41:37.000 She couldn't come.

00:41:38.000 Like, she never had orgasms.

00:41:39.000 But she wanted to fuck all the time.

00:41:41.000 It was craziness.

00:41:42.000 They want to keep trying.

00:41:44.000 No, she couldn't do it.

00:41:46.000 Everybody says, oh, you just didn't know how to make her cum.

00:41:49.000 She didn't even know how to make her cum.

00:41:51.000 Nobody knew how to make her cum.

00:41:53.000 Wait, she could never finger herself and make herself cum.

00:41:55.000 There was like one way where she could get herself to cum.

00:41:59.000 But it was really hard, and it didn't always work.

00:42:01.000 But it was like one position.

00:42:03.000 The whole thing was a real crazy sort of situation.

00:42:07.000 Because you knew that sex feels good for her, but you always felt guilty because she couldn't cum.

00:42:13.000 She'd get wet and shit, right?

00:42:14.000 Oh yeah, she loved to fuck.

00:42:16.000 That was the crazy thing.

00:42:17.000 It's like something was off, you know?

00:42:20.000 But she wanted to fuck all the time.

00:42:22.000 But if you date a girl who wants to fuck all the time and then you date a girl who doesn't want to fuck all the time, especially if you're used to it and you like it, you're like, um, hey, but you're awake and I'm awake and we're right here and we can just take our clothes off and fuck.

00:42:37.000 Why wouldn't we do that?

00:42:38.000 I don't want to.

00:42:39.000 Like, whoa, that doesn't even make sense to a dude.

00:42:41.000 No, that's a useless partner.

00:42:44.000 Yeah, to a dude, it's like, well, half the thing is we're supposed to be looking for as many opportunities as possible to fuck.

00:42:50.000 That's why we're boyfriend-girlfriend, right?

00:42:52.000 So what are we doing here?

00:42:53.000 You don't want to fuck?

00:42:55.000 Okay, you don't want to fuck, but there's nothing holding you back.

00:42:57.000 If you're not fucking, you're talking, and then you're in trouble.

00:43:00.000 But if nothing's holding you back, like, it's not like you have, like, I would love to fuck right now, but I have to go to work.

00:43:06.000 You know, I have to leave.

00:43:07.000 I'm late.

00:43:07.000 That's one thing.

00:43:08.000 Yeah.

00:43:08.000 But if it's like, oh, I'm not in the mood.

00:43:10.000 Yeah.

00:43:11.000 Okay, you gotta get rid of that bitch.

00:43:12.000 It's like the summer, there's nothing on HBO and we're not fucking, that's a problem.

00:43:15.000 Yeah, you gotta get rid of that bitch, right?

00:43:17.000 That's a real problem.

00:43:17.000 That's where probably gay dudes understand each other more better.

00:43:22.000 Like, they probably just give up the ass.

00:43:26.000 Gay dudes are so lucky.

00:43:27.000 Did I tell you the guy at Starbucks, we were talking about Grindr, he's gay.

00:43:31.000 The app?

00:43:31.000 Yeah, because you had the hat on?

00:43:32.000 Yeah, because I had the hat.

00:43:33.000 I wear this Grindr hat just for fun once in a while.

00:43:36.000 It's a bad idea.

00:43:36.000 But the guy goes, oh man, that's so funny you have the Grindr hat.

00:43:39.000 I use Grindr every day.

00:43:41.000 He's like, I've used it three times this weekend so far.

00:43:44.000 And I was like, what do you do?

00:43:44.000 And he goes, oh, it's just like, hey, there's a guy at Pavilions down the street, the grocery store.

00:43:49.000 He's down to fuck right now.

00:43:51.000 I could go with him.

00:43:52.000 We can go fuck in a car somewhere in the back alley or get a blowjob.

00:43:55.000 And then I come back to work.

00:43:57.000 Wow.

00:43:59.000 Yeah.

00:43:59.000 They're lucky!

00:44:00.000 Well, you can definitely look at it that way, but they're in the dick.

00:44:05.000 Yeah.

00:44:05.000 That's a fail.

00:44:06.000 Yeah.

00:44:07.000 It is a fail.

00:44:08.000 You know?

00:44:09.000 I mean, don't you think about that even when a girl's willing to fuck you?

00:44:12.000 Like, when you have sex with your girl, I always think, like, why do you like dick?

00:44:15.000 Like, what is going on here?

00:44:16.000 Why do you like dudes?

00:44:17.000 Like, why would you like a guy?

00:44:19.000 Like, I don't get it.

00:44:20.000 I don't understand the attraction to a man.

00:44:24.000 I don't ask.

00:44:25.000 I'm just glad they like this medium Asian dick.

00:44:29.000 I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with being a heterosexual woman.

00:44:36.000 All I'm saying is I don't understand it.

00:44:38.000 Just like you wouldn't understand being a gay dude either.

00:44:41.000 But if you were so afflicted with that predilection and that's what you enjoyed, yeah, I would imagine it's a freer life.

00:44:49.000 I just love that they love it.

00:44:51.000 It's great.

00:44:51.000 Like, I'm really glad you like this shit.

00:44:53.000 Because I got a lot of it.

00:44:56.000 There's a gay couple down the street from me, and they're trying to fit in.

00:45:01.000 I mean, they do fit in.

00:45:03.000 They're great neighbors.

00:45:04.000 But they're trying to fit in like a regular family.

00:45:08.000 Like, they adopted a kid, and they do all the same shit that regular families do.

00:45:13.000 Not that there's anything...

00:45:15.000 There is something unregular about two gay dudes, obviously.

00:45:19.000 But I think it's great.

00:45:20.000 It's totally great.

00:45:21.000 And the thing is, you shouldn't try to fit in.

00:45:24.000 You're Asian, you're black, you're gay, just be that.

00:45:27.000 You know what I mean?

00:45:27.000 It's great.

00:45:28.000 What I mean by trying to fit in, I shouldn't have probably said it that way, but what I meant was that they live like a normal family.

00:45:35.000 They're a gay married couple with a kid.

00:45:39.000 A lot of people have a hard time with that, man.

00:45:41.000 It's really interesting.

00:45:43.000 I think here, like, California is probably as loose as it gets with how people, like, view that.

00:45:48.000 I don't know what kind of grief they catch, but all the people that I know around them are, like, totally normal with it.

00:45:55.000 Yeah.

00:45:55.000 But, you know, it's like, if they wanted to, any one of those guys could just drive down to Santa Monica Boulevard, just enter into one of those clubs, just pull your cock out, and just...

00:46:09.000 Get the grinder on.

00:46:10.000 Get their slap happy on, right?

00:46:13.000 There's no place like that for dudes.

00:46:16.000 There's no place like that for guys where you could just guarantee that you could go and there'd be a bunch of horny chicks looking for dudes.

00:46:23.000 See, in New York there are places like Bob in the Lower East Side.

00:46:27.000 You go and there's always a fat chick waiting for you.

00:46:30.000 What is Bob?

00:46:31.000 Bob is like this 500 square foot hip-hop lounge situation in the Lower East Side.

00:46:37.000 They play all golden era hip-hop.

00:46:39.000 You go in, everyone's sweating, dancing, and you always get ass.

00:46:43.000 And OkCupid is amazing.

00:46:45.000 Like, I abuse OkCupid.

00:46:46.000 What is OkCupid?

00:46:47.000 OkCupid is like a website you go on and you can literally, people have boxes like, just looking to fuck.

00:46:53.000 So it's like Grindr for heterosexuals?

00:46:55.000 For any sexuals.

00:46:57.000 Like, you could have fucking three eyes and find some motherfucker with three eyes that wants to fuck.

00:47:00.000 Yeah, but they're also almost the same people.

00:47:02.000 If you go to Craigslist and just, like, look in your area, like, looking to fuck type girls, and there's, like, sometimes there's a picture.

00:47:08.000 There's never been one that I've gone, oh my god, yes, I need to fuck this girl.

00:47:13.000 Yo, I've had one on OkCupid.

00:47:16.000 I found a unicorn that was pretty good.

00:47:18.000 How was it?

00:47:19.000 Tell us what happened.

00:47:19.000 It was bad.

00:47:20.000 It was dope.

00:47:21.000 It was dope.

00:47:22.000 I ended up taking this unicorn to Vegas once.

00:47:24.000 It was good.

00:47:25.000 Wow.

00:47:26.000 It's a lot of fun.

00:47:27.000 Well, I think that they exist because I know that there's probably a lot of girls that are super hot that would love to freak a guy out, like that a guy couldn't believe how hot they are and they just want to fuck.

00:47:38.000 There's a lot of crazy bitches like that.

00:47:40.000 There's a lot of them.

00:47:41.000 Well, in New York, there's a lot of girls at work and they don't have time to go out and date and like meet dudes and pick them and they're like, you know what?

00:47:47.000 I just need to sit on something.

00:47:49.000 I need to sit on something.

00:47:50.000 They just need to get their dick on.

00:47:53.000 It's great.

00:47:53.000 It would be great.

00:47:55.000 It's fucking awesome.

00:47:56.000 You guys need that.

00:47:56.000 You have OkCupid out here.

00:47:58.000 I'm sure you have OkCupid here.

00:47:59.000 They have it in Boston.

00:48:00.000 Yeah.

00:48:01.000 Too many crazy bitches out here.

00:48:03.000 Too dangerous.

00:48:03.000 I got a positive singles dot com.

00:48:07.000 What is positive?

00:48:09.000 HIV positive?

00:48:10.000 Is that what that is?

00:48:11.000 Did you hear about that dude?

00:48:12.000 He was some Christian mingle and he was raping chicks?

00:48:17.000 No way.

00:48:18.000 Yeah, he was picking them up on Christian mingle and raping them.

00:48:21.000 Wow.

00:48:21.000 Yeah.

00:48:22.000 Wow.

00:48:23.000 There's dating sites for everything.

00:48:24.000 J-Date.

00:48:25.000 Yep.

00:48:25.000 Christian Mingle.

00:48:26.000 Yep.

00:48:27.000 I want to go on J-Date.

00:48:28.000 Jewish chicks love Asians.

00:48:29.000 Do you think so?

00:48:30.000 Oh, I know so.

00:48:31.000 How's that?

00:48:31.000 What is it?

00:48:32.000 A Chinese food thing?

00:48:32.000 What is it?

00:48:33.000 Yeah, like we serve them on Christmas.

00:48:37.000 Fuck, there's no dick or general toes.

00:48:39.000 Like, where do I go?

00:48:40.000 Chinese people.

00:48:42.000 Yes.

00:48:42.000 Jewish chicks.

00:48:44.000 Yes.

00:48:44.000 J-Date.

00:48:45.000 I think they all know how to fuck really well too.

00:48:47.000 Jewish girls do?

00:48:48.000 Yeah.

00:48:49.000 Really?

00:48:49.000 I've fucked awesome.

00:48:51.000 How many of you fucked?

00:48:52.000 Probably like five.

00:48:54.000 And they've all been awesome.

00:48:55.000 They've all been crazy.

00:48:57.000 The head game, the Jewish head game is the best.

00:49:00.000 Yeah, some of them.

00:49:01.000 It's absolutely known.

00:49:03.000 Jewish girls give their best head.

00:49:04.000 Yeah.

00:49:05.000 When they do it.

00:49:06.000 Yeah.

00:49:07.000 Yes.

00:49:08.000 Then there's that old joke.

00:49:09.000 How do you stop a Jewish chick from blowing you?

00:49:13.000 I don't know.

00:49:13.000 Marrier.

00:49:14.000 Oh.

00:49:16.000 You don't know that show?

00:49:18.000 That's a good one.

00:49:19.000 Yeah, I think isn't it because like they are so – since they're young, they're always said you have to only have sex with Jewish people and you never are supposed to be with anyone outside of your race and I think that's why they're so crazy.

00:49:31.000 In bed, maybe?

00:49:32.000 Do you think so?

00:49:33.000 I'm just guessing.

00:49:34.000 I just think they're not as suppressed.

00:49:36.000 There's less suppression in that religion than there is sexually in Catholicism and a lot of other Christian religions.

00:49:44.000 It might be the Hitler costume I wear all the time.

00:49:46.000 Maybe that's it.

00:49:47.000 They want to hate-fuck you.

00:49:48.000 I just figured they thought there was money in the dick.

00:49:51.000 I'm trying to suck it out hard enough.

00:49:53.000 Half dollars.

00:49:55.000 What are you doing, fuckface?

00:50:00.000 It sounds like me.

00:50:01.000 It is you.

00:50:02.000 It's the feed.

00:50:04.000 The live feed.

00:50:05.000 Jamie's over there playing with himself.

00:50:06.000 Jamie.

00:50:07.000 Yeah, the first Jewish girl I dated, I was 21. That was the first girl that I fucked.

00:50:12.000 She was crazy, right?

00:50:13.000 Bitch was nuts.

00:50:14.000 She was great.

00:50:15.000 I was like, whoa.

00:50:16.000 But she was a woman.

00:50:17.000 I was 21, she was 25. She wasn't a guy?

00:50:20.000 That's a woman.

00:50:21.000 Oh, that's a cougar.

00:50:21.000 It wasn't a girl.

00:50:22.000 That's a cougar.

00:50:22.000 It was the first time I ever dated a woman as opposed to like every chick that I dated before I was 21 was like 19, 20, like my age.

00:50:30.000 They were like little kids.

00:50:31.000 You know, this girl was like, you know, college graduate, serious woman, had a career, you know, it was totally different.

00:50:38.000 Banging a chick like that's a completely different experience.

00:50:41.000 Like, they're not shy.

00:50:43.000 No, I've never gone older.

00:50:45.000 I've always gone younger.

00:50:46.000 I've never gone older.

00:50:47.000 That was the only time I ever did.

00:50:48.000 Maybe one other time.

00:50:50.000 One other time I dated a girl who was like a year older than me.

00:50:52.000 Which is acceptable.

00:50:54.000 I want to do a cougar once.

00:50:55.000 I just think...

00:50:56.000 I see some...

00:50:57.000 Because there's so many hot cougars here in Los Angeles.

00:50:59.000 Well, you've got to join a gym.

00:51:00.000 I like cougars.

00:51:00.000 Huh?

00:51:01.000 If you want to get a real cougar, you've got to join a gym.

00:51:03.000 Oh, I'm a teddy bear.

00:51:05.000 You ever see a teddy bear with muscles, Joe?

00:51:07.000 No, I'm saying if you want to really meet the ones that you actually want to fuck, you've got to meet the ones that are at the gym.

00:51:12.000 Because the ones that go to the gym are the ones that still have the plump asses, and they're like, 50. I've seen chicks with great asses that are 50. And you can't believe it.

00:51:20.000 It's like, God damn, why?

00:51:22.000 Because that bitch is addicted to spin class and she's in there huffing on the fucking...

00:51:26.000 Like that porn star Druna.

00:51:27.000 That girl Druna got the crazy milf ass.

00:51:30.000 Tighten up those fuck muscles.

00:51:31.000 Yeah.

00:51:32.000 I'm talking about girls that have their home gyms in Malibu.

00:51:34.000 They don't leave the house.

00:51:36.000 I come to death.

00:51:37.000 Those bitches are weak and they're gonna pass out on you.

00:51:39.000 They're gonna faint and fall and hit their fucking head on the marble, and then you're gonna get charged with murder.

00:51:45.000 Trust me.

00:51:45.000 Keep away from those bitches.

00:51:46.000 That doesn't sound good.

00:51:47.000 Keep away from those tired, tired, low blood sugar, Malibu bitches who never leave their house, walk around in their fucking slippers.

00:51:53.000 Just once, I'm saying.

00:51:54.000 Just once.

00:51:54.000 Bitch, put your shoes on and get the fuck out of the house.

00:51:56.000 Like a Pamela Anderson.

00:51:57.000 Yeah, you don't want that one because that one's lazy and that ass is gone.

00:52:01.000 That's a long gone ass, son.

00:52:03.000 She was a beautiful, beautiful young lady, but someone stole her ass when she hit about 43, 44. A goblin came into the house.

00:52:11.000 Yeah, now she just looks crazy.

00:52:13.000 She looks like Barbra Streisand now.

00:52:15.000 Isn't it weird how women, really beautiful women, if they get crazy with their looks, if they start shooting shit in their face, they go from being beautiful to being repulsive.

00:52:25.000 And it's not a lot of time.

00:52:26.000 And I don't know why they do it.

00:52:27.000 You know it's going to happen and they still do it.

00:52:30.000 Psychological shit.

00:52:31.000 It's like people that are anorexic and they can't help it.

00:52:35.000 They just keep losing weight.

00:52:36.000 Or big bodybuilder dudes.

00:52:39.000 I've met guys that are huge and they're scared to go outside.

00:52:43.000 They want to cover their body, their muscles up with big puffy sweaters and shit because they don't want people to know how small they are.

00:52:50.000 Wow.

00:52:51.000 Yeah, they get nutty.

00:52:53.000 Especially those competitive ones.

00:52:55.000 People who enter into bodybuilding competitions, they never feel like they're big enough.

00:52:59.000 It's dysmorphia.

00:53:00.000 Body image is some fucked up shit.

00:53:02.000 It's very fucked up.

00:53:02.000 Like race, body image, psychologically, you have no idea how much it fucking controls you.

00:53:07.000 We are lucky there's not a dick operation.

00:53:10.000 That you could do to your dick what a chick does to her tits?

00:53:12.000 There's actually a dick operation.

00:53:14.000 People do that shit.

00:53:15.000 Listen, man, I've researched it.

00:53:17.000 You could take a piece of your foot.

00:53:18.000 Why would you research it?

00:53:19.000 Fascinating.

00:53:20.000 You were looking into it.

00:53:21.000 I research almost everything.

00:53:22.000 I'm happy with my dick.

00:53:23.000 I'll tell you right now.

00:53:24.000 It's not the biggest dick in the world, but it's mine, and I like it.

00:53:27.000 I like medium dick.

00:53:28.000 It's great.

00:53:29.000 But this, like, the body dysmorphia that some women have, like, there was a woman that I knew many, many a year ago who had ridiculously large breasts, fake tits, and she wanted to get them bigger.

00:53:40.000 And all of her friends were like, you can't do that.

00:53:43.000 Stop it.

00:53:44.000 Like, you can't.

00:53:44.000 She goes, I just want them a little bigger.

00:53:46.000 Just a little bigger.

00:53:46.000 I mean, they were fucking huge.

00:53:49.000 They were crazy huge.

00:53:51.000 And when they're crazy huge, they don't look crazy good.

00:53:54.000 No.

00:53:54.000 They look crazy bad.

00:53:55.000 They look crazy.

00:53:57.000 They felt like a knee.

00:53:59.000 And girls getting breast reductions make no sense to me.

00:54:01.000 Like you're just giving money away.

00:54:03.000 Well, I think for some girls, I dated a girl who, yeah, before I met her, she had a breast reduction.

00:54:11.000 She had enormous tits.

00:54:12.000 And even when I met her, they were like D-cups.

00:54:14.000 I was like, oh my god, they were bigger than this.

00:54:16.000 Like, she had, like, back pains.

00:54:18.000 Like, she would get, like, pinched nerves and shit.

00:54:20.000 Like, they just can go numb.

00:54:21.000 But still, I feel like you have tits that big, like, things will happen for you.

00:54:26.000 You know, other things will take care of them for you.

00:54:28.000 Yeah, like, someone will cum on them.

00:54:29.000 That's it.

00:54:29.000 It's not like they become fucking beanstalks and take you to the mansion.

00:54:32.000 I guess if you have a herniated disc and I cum on your back, it doesn't help much.

00:54:36.000 It's not doing anybody any good.

00:54:38.000 It's not like you rub it in and it's a Vicks VapoRub.

00:54:41.000 It's gonna...

00:54:42.000 Heal the injury.

00:54:44.000 I've talked about this before, though.

00:54:45.000 I know somebody has that disease, I don't remember the name of it, where your tits are crazy big, like they're almost worms, like titusitis or something.

00:54:53.000 Like elephantitis of the tits?

00:54:54.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:54:55.000 And it's so big that if you look at her, she looks like she's really fat.

00:54:59.000 But then if she takes off her shirt and just holds up her tits, it's like, oh no, it's all just tit and body like sandwich.

00:55:05.000 So how big of her?

00:55:06.000 Would you say her tits are like twice a normal tit?

00:55:10.000 I would say each one of her tits was probably, I don't know, 24 inches long?

00:55:19.000 A 24 inch tit.

00:55:21.000 And probably each one weighed probably I'd say about 50 pounds.

00:55:24.000 Oh my god, the poor girl.

00:55:26.000 She had 100 pounds of tit.

00:55:27.000 She still has it too.

00:55:28.000 She has to get these like crazy bras made at Sears where they have to make the bra.

00:55:33.000 I'm telling you, we're lucky there's not a dick operation like that where you can get bigger dick.

00:55:40.000 Has anybody ever had a dick reduction?

00:55:41.000 Has anybody ever had a 24-inch dick and gone, listen, no girls can suck this.

00:55:45.000 I'm tired of this.

00:55:46.000 This is bullshit.

00:55:47.000 Cut me down to 10. I would never, man.

00:55:49.000 I could have a three-foot dick.

00:55:50.000 I would never cut that.

00:55:51.000 It's fucking Excalibur.

00:55:53.000 Don't touch Excalibur.

00:55:54.000 But who's going to fuck you?

00:55:55.000 You're going to have to have chicks that only fuck basketball players.

00:55:57.000 I mean, chicks don't know that you have a fucking three-foot baby arm.

00:56:01.000 You're going to have to only date chicks that fucked basketball players and had their babies.

00:56:06.000 Or Kim Kardashian.

00:56:07.000 So big, 12-pound babies came out of there.

00:56:09.000 No, it's not even Kim Kardashian because she hasn't had a kid yet.

00:56:12.000 You need a girl who's had a bunch of babies.

00:56:13.000 Oh, like the Octomom.

00:56:15.000 Your giant monster dick.

00:56:16.000 Just like a sinkhole.

00:56:17.000 Yeah, that's the only thing you could be happy with.

00:56:19.000 Because otherwise, what are you going to do with three-footed dick?

00:56:21.000 I'll tell you what you're going to do.

00:56:23.000 You're going to get frustrated.

00:56:24.000 Yo, if I have a three-foot dick though, I would just walk outside with that shit.

00:56:28.000 I'm tanning.

00:56:29.000 Would you just tan your dick?

00:56:30.000 But you would never be able to really use it.

00:56:33.000 You don't want a three-foot dick.

00:56:34.000 You can have girls just slide on top of it back and forth like snail trips.

00:56:38.000 If you had a three-foot dick, there would be girls that would just want to check it out.

00:56:41.000 I just want to sit on it a little bit.

00:56:43.000 And trust me, I know a couple girls could probably put three-foot dick inside of them.

00:56:47.000 Airtight.

00:56:48.000 They would break.

00:56:48.000 They would break just like that guy got fucked to death by the horse.

00:56:51.000 There's no way they would make it.

00:56:53.000 Dana could take three foot of dick.

00:56:56.000 Asakira could take three foot of dick.

00:56:57.000 She would break.

00:56:58.000 She would die.

00:56:59.000 She would die and you'd be sad.

00:57:00.000 Yeah, any of those girls that did Son of Dong, they could take it.

00:57:03.000 What is Son of Dong?

00:57:04.000 Oh my god.

00:57:04.000 Son of Dong is like the crazy, crazy giant fake dick with the giant like sploge geyser that some points are stood on.

00:57:12.000 Oh, those fake dicks.

00:57:12.000 Yeah, I've seen that.

00:57:13.000 Those are so weird where the guy still got his pants on.

00:57:14.000 It's like the Washington Monument shaped as a penis, yeah.

00:57:16.000 Yeah, what is that?

00:57:17.000 Because it looks so fake.

00:57:19.000 Yeah, it is fake.

00:57:20.000 What kind of weird porn is that when you're a giant fake dick?

00:57:22.000 I like watching it, though.

00:57:23.000 The art design and the set design is amazing.

00:57:26.000 You know, it's very creative.

00:57:27.000 The set design!

00:57:29.000 The set design with a big, stupid, fake rubber dick.

00:57:33.000 What is this stuff that you've been doing for Vice Magazine?

00:57:36.000 For vice.com?

00:57:38.000 I do this show called Fresh Off the Boat and we use food to get into culture and we meet all these weirdos.

00:57:43.000 Basically, the whole point of the show is to travel around the world, travel around the United States and find stories and people that other outlets don't want to talk about.

00:57:51.000 Right.

00:57:51.000 What kind of stories?

00:57:53.000 For instance, we went in the Bang Bus with Jada Stevens in Miami.

00:57:56.000 We ate Frida's and then we watched her work and we did that whole episode.

00:58:00.000 We went to go see her uncle.

00:58:01.000 You watched her do a Bang Bus porn?

00:58:03.000 Yeah.

00:58:03.000 We watched the whole thing.

00:58:05.000 So how do they do that?

00:58:06.000 You just drive somewhere?

00:58:08.000 They put her in the bus.

00:58:08.000 It was a reverse bus.

00:58:10.000 So they put her in the back of the bus.

00:58:11.000 They drive around and they pick up dudes off the street.

00:58:13.000 They just bang.

00:58:14.000 Here's a trailer.

00:58:15.000 What's a reverse bus?

00:58:17.000 The reverse bus is her going in doing that.

00:58:19.000 The bang bus normally is a dude driving around to find chicks on the street.

00:58:23.000 Oh, reverse bus is her looking for dudes.

00:58:26.000 Yeah, and then other shows we've done is, you know, we went to go, we didn't want to separate people from the slaughter because we want people to know you're eating food, you're eating animal protein.

00:58:36.000 An animal is slaughtered.

00:58:37.000 So the first episode we ever did was showing a white rabbit being slaughtered.

00:58:40.000 I saw that one.

00:58:41.000 Do you like it?

00:58:42.000 Yes.

00:58:43.000 We're like a pretty thoughtful food show and we try to challenge people.

00:58:46.000 We really want to challenge them.

00:58:48.000 We don't just give them candy.

00:58:49.000 It's not just Soma.

00:58:50.000 We really want them to think about the culture.

00:58:53.000 That they're engrossed in, the cultures that they're supporting, and things like that.

00:58:57.000 Was that the first time you ever killed an animal like that?

00:59:00.000 No, you know, we've killed animals.

00:59:03.000 I cook Chinese food.

00:59:04.000 So you're always cooking seafood.

00:59:05.000 You're always cooking live seafood.

00:59:07.000 And then I've seen chickens slaughtered.

00:59:09.000 I've never seen a cow slaughtered.

00:59:11.000 I've never seen a pig slaughtered.

00:59:12.000 But I've seen chickens, I've seen seafood, and I saw a rabbit.

00:59:15.000 Yeah, that rabbit was pretty intense.

00:59:17.000 Yeah, it was definitely intense.

00:59:19.000 Like, everybody there was pretty moving because you watch a life Leave the earth in front of you.

00:59:25.000 And funny shit was, I actually thought I died like a week ago in Houston.

00:59:29.000 It was really funny.

00:59:31.000 I ate this indica bubblegum hash.

00:59:33.000 They made this beef jerky out of indica bubblegum hash and high times gave it to me.

00:59:38.000 And so I'm eating it and I didn't remember to kind of dose it.

00:59:42.000 I ate it all.

00:59:43.000 I gave like a little piece to my homie.

00:59:45.000 I gave a little piece to my brother.

00:59:46.000 And I remember about 30 minutes after, I'm watching like House of Cards on Netflix by myself and I'm like, yo, oh my god, I think I just died.

00:59:56.000 And I went to my brother and I felt like I couldn't move.

00:59:59.000 I could like see shit and I couldn't hear shit.

01:00:01.000 And I went to my brother, I'm like, you gotta take me to the hospital.

01:00:04.000 You gotta take me to the hospital.

01:00:05.000 He's like, why do I gotta take you to the hospital, motherfucker?

01:00:08.000 And I was like, I think I just died.

01:00:10.000 He's like, what do you mean you think you just died?

01:00:11.000 You're just in front of me right now.

01:00:12.000 I'm like, so you can hear me.

01:00:14.000 You can see me.

01:00:15.000 I'm like jumping on your bed.

01:00:16.000 You can see this.

01:00:16.000 He's like, dude, you're not dead.

01:00:18.000 Go to sleep.

01:00:19.000 I was like, you have to take me to the hospital.

01:00:22.000 I feel like my spirit left my physical body.

01:00:24.000 And he's like, what the fuck?

01:00:26.000 Like, what are you talking about?

01:00:28.000 And so he takes me to the hospital in Houston.

01:00:30.000 We were there cooking for the All-Star Game.

01:00:32.000 And like Dwayne Wade...

01:00:33.000 And I'm in the hospital.

01:00:34.000 We check in and the doctor's like, what's wrong?

01:00:36.000 He's like, I think my spirit left my physical body.

01:00:40.000 And he's like, what the fuck did you do?

01:00:42.000 I was like, I ate indica bubblegum hash jerky.

01:00:44.000 And he's like, you need to chill the fuck out.

01:00:46.000 You need to just chill the fuck out because there's nothing anyone can do for you.

01:00:49.000 I was like, did I just die?

01:00:50.000 He's like, no, you didn't die.

01:00:51.000 You're just high as fuck.

01:00:52.000 And you're being a pussy.

01:00:54.000 The way he described it, indica bubblegum hash jerky.

01:00:57.000 Yeah.

01:00:58.000 That's very specific too.

01:01:00.000 Yeah, it's some chef shit.

01:01:03.000 Yeah.

01:01:04.000 We've talked about it a billion times on the podcast, but a lot of people don't know that when you eat marijuana, it's a totally different psychoactive experience.

01:01:12.000 Your body produces something.

01:01:13.000 It goes through your liver, and it produces something called a one-pass, and it makes this chemical called 11-hydroxymetabolite.

01:01:22.000 And it's four to five times more psychoactive than THC in a smokable form.

01:01:26.000 So it's not the same drug.

01:01:29.000 Can you die from that shit?

01:01:30.000 No, no, no, no, no, no.

01:01:31.000 Here's what you do, though.

01:01:32.000 The only way you're going to die from...

01:01:34.000 What's that?

01:01:35.000 Drink milk.

01:01:35.000 Why?

01:01:36.000 Just trust me.

01:01:37.000 You'll calm down within five minutes.

01:01:39.000 This is not scientific.

01:01:40.000 Do not listen to him.

01:01:42.000 You're going to throw up milk.

01:01:43.000 That would not be awesome.

01:01:45.000 Just need a little glass of milk.

01:01:46.000 Just a teeny glass.

01:01:46.000 Listen, that's not scientific, Brian.

01:01:48.000 You're talking nonsense.

01:01:49.000 Because I tweet the fuck out.

01:01:50.000 When you eat as much hash as that, you're fucked.

01:01:53.000 A glass of milk is not going to make you feel fine.

01:01:55.000 I eat every day, but I ate fucking all this fucking hash jerky and I never felt so bad.

01:02:01.000 I felt like I did heroin.

01:02:02.000 Yeah, it can get you really scary high.

01:02:04.000 You can get to the point where it's really uncomfortable.

01:02:07.000 And that shit is not fun.

01:02:09.000 But were you ever dumb enough to go to a hospital and tell people your spirit animal was broken?

01:02:13.000 No.

01:02:14.000 No, but I did think that I fucked up.

01:02:17.000 I went too far.

01:02:18.000 I've gone there before.

01:02:20.000 But I always liked that.

01:02:22.000 I like what it feels like when it's over.

01:02:24.000 Yeah, like me and weed are fighting because it's like I've loved this bitch for so long and I'm like, you really hurt me.

01:02:30.000 You really hurt me this time.

01:02:31.000 Don't do edibles.

01:02:32.000 Just don't do edibles.

01:02:33.000 Well, edibles are amazing, but it's all in the dosage.

01:02:37.000 It's very tricky.

01:02:38.000 I love edibles.

01:02:39.000 I prefer edibles.

01:02:40.000 Oh, really?

01:02:41.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:02:41.000 You're like a regular edible eater.

01:02:43.000 Yeah, I prefer it.

01:02:45.000 I think it's better for your body.

01:02:47.000 I think it's better for your body and I think the intensity of the experience, it lasts longer.

01:02:52.000 And to me, it's more introspective.

01:02:54.000 I learn more.

01:02:55.000 Oh, you definitely think of wild shit.

01:02:58.000 I was like...

01:02:59.000 I was saying, I felt like I was one of those Christian inspirational people because I'm in the car.

01:03:03.000 I'm like, Evan, you have to realize that every day you have to fight to stay alive because as soon as you stop, you will die.

01:03:08.000 I just died.

01:03:09.000 I swear to God, I just died watching House of Cards.

01:03:11.000 He's like, you did not die.

01:03:12.000 Shut the fuck up.

01:03:13.000 Just don't watch any more Kevin Spacey movies.

01:03:15.000 Did you ever see the 911 call where the cops stole some pot from some kids and made some pot brownies and then the cops called 911?

01:03:25.000 No.

01:03:26.000 That's awesome.

01:03:27.000 And that's the thing.

01:03:28.000 They thought they died.

01:03:29.000 They thought that time had stopped.

01:03:32.000 They were calling in 911 just shitting their pants thinking that this is the end.

01:03:38.000 No, I thought I heard like the universe's voice was like, Eddie, you've checked out.

01:03:43.000 Like, I really thought I died.

01:03:44.000 I was like, the game is over!

01:03:46.000 The game is over!

01:03:47.000 I heard the theme music, the game is over!

01:03:50.000 You can definitely eat too much pot, but then after it's over, you feel fine.

01:03:54.000 It's not even like getting drunk, you know?

01:03:56.000 That feeling that you get after you have a hangover, it's like, goddammit, I don't want to ever drink.

01:04:00.000 No, I ate so much, my head hurt for three days.

01:04:02.000 It took me a while to come back.

01:04:05.000 Three days.

01:04:07.000 You probably broke something just with anxiety.

01:04:09.000 Just the anxiety alone was probably so much stress that your brain was like...

01:04:15.000 The muscle in my brain fucking hurt.

01:04:18.000 So yeah, kids, don't eat that fucking bubblegum hash.

01:04:22.000 I find that edibles make food taste the best too.

01:04:25.000 Because I think smoking anything probably does.

01:04:28.000 Ruins your palate.

01:04:29.000 Yeah, it does.

01:04:29.000 Yeah, a little bit.

01:04:30.000 It does.

01:04:30.000 Yeah, and you have like options out here with edibles like that are fairly...

01:04:35.000 And they're delicious.

01:04:37.000 Yeah, but also you can actually like Pretty much rely on the dose with some of them, like candies.

01:04:44.000 Like Ari Shafia, I'll ask him, what is this candy?

01:04:47.000 He goes, it's like a half a breath strip.

01:04:49.000 Like, okay, got it.

01:04:50.000 But not always is.

01:04:51.000 Not always.

01:04:52.000 It's still not accurate.

01:04:53.000 You're right.

01:04:54.000 But some companies, like you get used to a company, and they got their shit together, and they can make it until the feds come and bust their door down and fucking take them away.

01:05:03.000 The problem with edibles is it's also how much you have in your stomach already, so that's a factor where, you know, when you smoke it, you don't have to deal with that.

01:05:09.000 That's where breast strips come in because it doesn't matter because it just goes into your bloodstream.

01:05:14.000 Crazy.

01:05:15.000 Holla!

01:05:15.000 Crazy.

01:05:16.000 We're sophisticated out here.

01:05:18.000 Crazy.

01:05:18.000 I'm the West Coast kid.

01:05:20.000 How hard is it getting good weed in New York?

01:05:22.000 Yo, I got a really good serve.

01:05:24.000 I have a serve that they come through and they always have seven to eight strands every time.

01:05:27.000 But before I met these dudes, life was miserable.

01:05:30.000 It was just like sour or haze or kush.

01:05:34.000 It's just hard to find someone that you actually want to know your phone number that's selling weed.

01:05:38.000 Yeah, and these dudes are dope.

01:05:40.000 They don't chill with you.

01:05:41.000 They don't fucking try to hang out and get to know you in and out.

01:05:44.000 Like, give me the best weed and I'll see you later and I'll call you next time.

01:05:47.000 So that's what you need.

01:05:48.000 But it does not touch California.

01:05:50.000 Like, California is on some shit.

01:05:53.000 It's crazy.

01:05:53.000 That's the best part out here.

01:05:55.000 I want a G-Pen so bad.

01:05:56.000 I got a G-Pen.

01:05:57.000 I'll hook you up.

01:05:58.000 Those dudes are awesome.

01:05:59.000 Oh, cool.

01:06:00.000 Yeah.

01:06:00.000 The G-Pen is the best way to smoke because the wax tastes so good.

01:06:04.000 It's like minty, fresh.

01:06:05.000 Yeah, the chocolate, mint, ice cream, hash.

01:06:08.000 Is G-Pen a new type of vaporizer or something?

01:06:11.000 There's a few of them.

01:06:11.000 I've got to get you one.

01:06:12.000 There's so many of them out there.

01:06:14.000 But have you had an eye dab?

01:06:15.000 Eye dab is the way to go in your home.

01:06:17.000 Like on the road, G-Pen, the best.

01:06:19.000 But iDabs are fucking crazy.

01:06:20.000 How do you spell it?

01:06:21.000 Just G-Pen?

01:06:23.000 Yeah, Granco Science.

01:06:24.000 My boy Chris.

01:06:25.000 He lives in LA. I'll hook you guys up.

01:06:27.000 He's the best.

01:06:27.000 Yeah, I've used a lot of them.

01:06:28.000 Like the Plume by Pax is not bad.

01:06:30.000 But the G-Pen is definitely my favorite so far.

01:06:34.000 Yeah, that's the one I use on the show all the time.

01:06:36.000 When we shoot on the West Coast.

01:06:37.000 Whenever we use the G-Pen.

01:06:39.000 Yeah, I want one so bad.

01:06:40.000 Yeah, they taste amazing.

01:06:41.000 Yeah, the scientists out here that are concocting different ways to take your weed...

01:06:46.000 They're doing it in pretty amazing ways.

01:06:48.000 They have honey now.

01:06:49.000 Well, I guess there's been some talk lately about what is the legality of hash and all these oils and stuff like that.

01:06:57.000 So they have this G-Pen vaporizer.

01:07:00.000 They sell it online.

01:07:01.000 Anybody could buy it online.

01:07:02.000 Because you could cook tobacco with it.

01:07:05.000 So now when you buy this, what do you do?

01:07:08.000 Do you stick weed in it somewhere?

01:07:10.000 You put the essential oil in there, and then you just heat it up.

01:07:13.000 You have to get that from a dispensary.

01:07:15.000 Yeah, but you live in LA, it's no problem.

01:07:17.000 Yeah, but how do you get it?

01:07:18.000 Don't tell us.

01:07:20.000 I know a guy who knows a guy.

01:07:21.000 He uses it for tobacco.

01:07:23.000 Do you have a hard time when you're on the road getting good weed when you're doing your show?

01:07:28.000 No, you know, fans, like people will just bring it.

01:07:31.000 Right.

01:07:31.000 You know, they'll know and they'll just bring it.

01:07:33.000 Like when I do book tours, there's always two or three people at every book event that bring me weed.

01:07:37.000 How many of them are cops?

01:07:39.000 Most of them are Asian children.

01:07:41.000 Children?

01:07:42.000 No, I'm kidding.

01:07:43.000 Usually just like Asian kids, you know, like, and they grew up like me and they're like, yo, I know how you are.

01:07:47.000 You need this shit.

01:07:48.000 You need this shit.

01:07:49.000 Those are the best people.

01:07:50.000 They bring me weed everywhere I go.

01:07:52.000 That's funny.

01:07:53.000 That's the best thing about being a publicly known person that smokes weed, people will hook you up.

01:07:58.000 Yeah, I agree.

01:07:59.000 Do you smoke pot with people that you meet?

01:08:01.000 Yeah, definitely.

01:08:02.000 People who know you from the show?

01:08:04.000 Yeah, I'll smoke with anyone because I'm not a dude that smokes weed and then can't function.

01:08:07.000 I'm a functional smoker.

01:08:08.000 I need weed to function.

01:08:10.000 Right, but do you trust their weed?

01:08:12.000 What if someone wants to lace you up with some craziness?

01:08:15.000 I've never been late.

01:08:15.000 Have you been late?

01:08:17.000 Me, no, but I know a person, yes.

01:08:19.000 One dude?

01:08:20.000 Yeah, I know one dude.

01:08:21.000 PCP. Somebody put PCP in his weed.

01:08:24.000 Well, damn.

01:08:25.000 Yeah, that's hardcore.

01:08:26.000 I've had a very bad situation.

01:08:29.000 I wasn't a fan or anything, but I had somebody give me weed once that was dipped in embalming fluid and that really ruined my whole night.

01:08:37.000 See, why would you do that to someone?

01:08:39.000 I feel like weed is such a friendly culture.

01:08:42.000 Why would you do that to somebody?

01:08:43.000 Because people are broken.

01:08:45.000 I mean, even though weed is a friendly culture, there's a certain amount of any culture that's going to be broken.

01:08:49.000 Yeah.

01:08:49.000 There's people that are just unavoidably fucked up.

01:08:52.000 So you won't smoke weed people give you on tour?

01:08:54.000 Yeah.

01:08:54.000 Not anymore.

01:08:55.000 Not after that.

01:08:56.000 Oh, wow.

01:08:56.000 When I found out that, and there was a guy, I've told a story before about a cop that was asking me for DMT in Cleveland, and I knew it was a cop.

01:09:05.000 It was the most obvious cop ever.

01:09:07.000 Some guy after a show by himself with a crew cut asking me for DMT. I was like, bitch, what are you talking about?

01:09:12.000 Are you really coming and asking me for illegal drugs?

01:09:15.000 Yeah.

01:09:15.000 DMT is a specific ask, too.

01:09:17.000 Yeah.

01:09:17.000 It's a very specific flavor that you're asking for.

01:09:20.000 Very specific.

01:09:22.000 The problem is, if every place was like California, yeah, I'd smoke with anybody.

01:09:25.000 But every place is not like California.

01:09:27.000 And there are places where it's super illegal.

01:09:31.000 Like, you get caught in Texas.

01:09:33.000 You know, like, Willie Nelson got arrested in Texas.

01:09:35.000 I mean, if you arrest Willie Nelson for pot, you're a fucking communist.

01:09:39.000 Yeah.

01:09:42.000 You're the enemy.

01:09:44.000 I mean, it's pretty decriminalized in America.

01:09:46.000 I think in the next 5 to 10, weed is going to be like California everywhere.

01:09:49.000 There's still so many people in jail, though.

01:09:51.000 There's so many people in jail because of it.

01:09:54.000 What do they do?

01:09:55.000 They grandfather those guys in and let everybody out?

01:09:57.000 I don't think so.

01:09:58.000 I don't think they're going to.

01:09:58.000 They should, but I don't think they will.

01:10:00.000 The law is in a lot of places.

01:10:03.000 Phoenix, it's real bad.

01:10:05.000 It's not good in Texas.

01:10:07.000 It's scary in a lot of places.

01:10:09.000 Yeah.

01:10:09.000 How many different cities have you gone to do your show?

01:10:12.000 We've done LA, San Fran, Miami, New York, Taiwan.

01:10:17.000 Yeah, five.

01:10:18.000 We did five.

01:10:19.000 How was Taiwan?

01:10:20.000 Taiwan was amazing, man.

01:10:21.000 Taiwan is the best.

01:10:23.000 Taiwan is the best.

01:10:24.000 Definitely.

01:10:25.000 Do you speak any forms of Chinese?

01:10:27.000 Yeah, I speak Mandarin Chinese.

01:10:29.000 Now, if you're around Cantonese people, what happens?

01:10:32.000 I can't understand what they're saying.

01:10:33.000 It sounds like they're playing Chinese through a guitar.

01:10:36.000 Whoa!

01:10:37.000 No, I got mad Cantonese homies, but no, I don't understand Cantonese, and they barely understand Mandarin.

01:10:42.000 It's tough.

01:10:43.000 Wow.

01:10:44.000 Yeah.

01:10:44.000 It's not just like north and south.

01:10:46.000 Like you got an accent.

01:10:46.000 It's like really some...

01:10:47.000 There's an extra tone.

01:10:48.000 There's another tone.

01:10:49.000 Can you read it?

01:10:50.000 I can read some things.

01:10:51.000 I know a few words.

01:10:52.000 I probably read on like a kindergarten level and I speak on like a fifth grade, sixth grade level.

01:10:56.000 But you speak on a fifth grade, sixth grade level just because you know some of it, not because it's across the board.

01:11:03.000 Oh, no, Cantonese?

01:11:05.000 No, I don't know shit about Cantonese, but the written is the same.

01:11:08.000 Right.

01:11:08.000 A written language is the same.

01:11:09.000 Oh, okay, so the written Cantonese is the same.

01:11:12.000 Yeah.

01:11:13.000 Oh, fascinating.

01:11:14.000 Yeah.

01:11:14.000 Huh.

01:11:14.000 So, but the way they say it is different, Cantonese and Mandarin.

01:11:18.000 So you can read all Cantonese, no problem.

01:11:20.000 Well, I think it's the same characters.

01:11:21.000 I'm pretty sure it's the same characters.

01:11:23.000 So how the fuck is it a different language?

01:11:25.000 It's another tone.

01:11:26.000 They have another tone when they speak it.

01:11:28.000 Oh my god, that's weird.

01:11:30.000 That's insanity.

01:11:31.000 What does it sound like?

01:11:32.000 What's the difference?

01:11:33.000 Can you tell me the difference?

01:11:34.000 Can you give me a sentence?

01:11:36.000 They say stuff, it's just bouncier.

01:11:39.000 It sounds bouncier.

01:11:40.000 Without being racist and making fun of it, it just sounds to me bouncier.

01:11:44.000 I think you're allowed to make fun.

01:11:45.000 You're Chinese.

01:11:46.000 You could let it slide.

01:11:48.000 No, it's like, I'm not even saying words, but I'm just imitating the sound.

01:11:56.000 They're super bouncy that way.

01:11:58.000 But it's different than Mandarin in what way?

01:12:01.000 See, what's confusing to me is...

01:12:02.000 There's like a fifth tone.

01:12:04.000 Oh, wow.

01:12:04.000 Yeah.

01:12:05.000 But the characters are the same.

01:12:07.000 Mm-hmm.

01:12:07.000 But they have a different sound for the characters?

01:12:10.000 Is that what it is?

01:12:11.000 Yeah, which is kind of crazy.

01:12:13.000 Wow.

01:12:13.000 So, like, one person would say Shu, they would have a totally different noise for it.

01:12:20.000 Yeah.

01:12:20.000 But if you wrote it down, you both saw Shu.

01:12:23.000 Yeah.

01:12:23.000 Whoa, you're blowing my mind.

01:12:25.000 Yeah.

01:12:26.000 Whoa.

01:12:26.000 How many people are on each?

01:12:28.000 I will check this and make sure.

01:12:29.000 I mean, we could check this and make sure, but I'm almost positive that it is...

01:12:33.000 I'm pretty positive it is the same language.

01:12:35.000 How many people are on each?

01:12:37.000 Like, I mean, there's...

01:12:39.000 Oh, there's much more speaking Mandarin.

01:12:40.000 There's much more speaking Mandarin than Cantonese.

01:12:42.000 How much more?

01:12:43.000 Cantonese is just like the southeast of China and Hong Kong.

01:12:46.000 Wow.

01:12:47.000 How the fuck does that ever happen?

01:12:50.000 You know?

01:12:51.000 They just lost the war.

01:12:52.000 Is that what it is?

01:12:53.000 Some Mongol type shit?

01:12:54.000 Yeah.

01:12:56.000 Wow.

01:12:58.000 The whole idea of a billion people on a continent is a fucking trip, man.

01:13:03.000 Yeah.

01:13:04.000 There wasn't even a billion people on the whole planet just a little while ago.

01:13:11.000 Yeah, man.

01:13:11.000 We are way too good at making babies and that's why they try to limit it.

01:13:15.000 Yeah, my friend Duncan actually had a funny thing that he said yesterday that some people believe that this is such an amazing time to be alive, that so many souls are trying to reincarnate to this time.

01:13:28.000 That's why there's so many people on the planet.

01:13:30.000 Yeah.

01:13:31.000 Okay, so they say here, written Cantonese is the most highly developed written form of all Chinese varieties apart from standard Mandarin and classical.

01:13:39.000 Standard written Chinese is based on Mandarin, but when spoken word for word as Cantonese, it sounds unnatural.

01:13:44.000 Because its expressions are ungrammatical and unidiomatic in Cantonese.

01:13:49.000 So Cantonese speakers have developed their own written scripts, sometimes creating new characters for words that either do not exist or have been lost in standard Chinese.

01:13:57.000 But basically it's based on the same language.

01:13:59.000 Wow.

01:14:00.000 It's just more refined.

01:14:01.000 That'd be weird trying to speak English and just speak it differently.

01:14:05.000 Yeah.

01:14:06.000 But using the same words.

01:14:08.000 Yeah.

01:14:09.000 Yeah, what the fuck, man?

01:14:14.000 So what is it like working with the Vice guys?

01:14:16.000 We fucking love them.

01:14:17.000 Yo, I love Vice, man.

01:14:19.000 Vice is the fucking best.

01:14:20.000 I've worked with so many people and Vice just lets you do your thing.

01:14:23.000 Yeah.

01:14:24.000 And that's the best part.

01:14:26.000 I just went through a whole week.

01:14:27.000 I was at TED, I'm a TED fellow this year, and I went through a whole week of people telling me what to do, where to be, and it was like being at a fucking Scientology summer camp.

01:14:35.000 It was horrible.

01:14:36.000 Yeah, tell me what the fuck happened.

01:14:38.000 They told you that you can't leave?

01:14:41.000 Yeah, like before you go, they're like, you need to participate in TED, you need to be there.

01:14:44.000 I'm like, alright, cool.

01:14:45.000 I figure like minds are reasonable.

01:14:48.000 If you have to do something in LA, you can go do something in LA. I gave them like four or five days of my time.

01:14:55.000 I was there every single, 13 hours, like every day they have 13 hours of fucking activities they have mapped out for you.

01:15:00.000 Some days like 15, 16 hours, right?

01:15:03.000 If you go to their after events, And I'm like, that's way too much fucking human interaction.

01:15:08.000 Five days.

01:15:08.000 Yeah.

01:15:09.000 Explain this.

01:15:09.000 So you go there and you're going to go and do your own TED speech, right?

01:15:14.000 Yeah.

01:15:14.000 So you do your own TED speech.

01:15:16.000 What is the other stuff they have for you?

01:15:17.000 They want you to be available for like networking, cocktail events, like attendees want to talk to you.

01:15:24.000 You need to be available.

01:15:25.000 And I was like, look, I've done a lot.

01:15:27.000 Like I put people on.

01:15:29.000 Like, I put them in touch with ad agency people.

01:15:31.000 I put them in touch with other people to do business with, other artists.

01:15:34.000 I was introducing everyone.

01:15:35.000 And I thought I was good.

01:15:37.000 So I went yesterday to go do DVD Asa.

01:15:39.000 I went up and met up Cho.

01:15:40.000 I met up Asa.

01:15:41.000 And I went and now they called me today on the way over here.

01:15:44.000 And they were like, we're taking your TED fellowship away.

01:15:47.000 I was like, why are you taking the TED fellowship?

01:15:49.000 Like, because you went to LA. I was like, you're in Long Beach.

01:15:53.000 I just went to LA for the afternoon to do the fucking podcast.

01:15:56.000 You're fucking crazy.

01:15:57.000 And they're like, you took this spot from somebody who would have gone to every talk and been in everything.

01:16:02.000 I was like, yo, the other people weren't there for everything, but you're also just crazy.

01:16:05.000 Like you're fucking crazy.

01:16:07.000 You're crazy.

01:16:07.000 They're not paying you.

01:16:08.000 No, they don't pay.

01:16:10.000 That's insane.

01:16:10.000 You go to do it for the love and they want you for seven days.

01:16:14.000 12 to 15 hours a day.

01:16:15.000 What?

01:16:16.000 And you can't just leave to go do something, some work that you have to do.

01:16:19.000 That's fucked up.

01:16:20.000 What is it where people fuck up everything?

01:16:24.000 Even something as amazing as TED. Because TED, I remember the first TED talk that I ever saw on the internet a couple years ago.

01:16:32.000 We have a whole TED thread on my message board about great TED episodes.

01:16:37.000 Yeah, like the one, how to be happy is great.

01:16:39.000 Oh, there's so many of them.

01:16:40.000 Graham Hancock just gave one on the war on consciousness about ayahuasca and his own problems with kicking cannabis.

01:16:49.000 He had like a crazy weed habit where he's high all day, every day for like decades.

01:16:54.000 And then it was a crutch for him.

01:16:56.000 It was like a real problem.

01:16:58.000 Great TED talk about it though.

01:16:59.000 There's so much good stuff.

01:17:00.000 But then you hear shit like this and you're like...

01:17:03.000 Even they suck.

01:17:05.000 Someone finds a way to fuck up even something as amazing as Ted.

01:17:09.000 Yeah, the speakers are great.

01:17:10.000 I can't say a damn bad thing.

01:17:12.000 Every single one of the fellows is inspirational, amazing, doing great work.

01:17:16.000 The thing is something gets so good and people feel the power that they have and then they impose rules and that's how society got created in the beginning.

01:17:24.000 Somebody got so liked and got so much power that they could force you to do things that were entirely unnatural and inhuman.

01:17:30.000 That's so ridiculous too to think that a guy like you who's as busy as you could give up that much time and be angry if you vary from their schedule at all.

01:17:41.000 Sounds like there's more to it.

01:17:42.000 I think Ted's a racist.

01:17:44.000 I mean they're culturally kind of crazy too because other people missed and they kind of picked on me for it.

01:17:49.000 But even before I got out here, I was like, yo, my birthday is Friday.

01:17:52.000 You want me to stay till Saturday.

01:17:53.000 Can I at least have my girl stay with me?

01:17:56.000 And I'll just use the room.

01:17:57.000 They're like, oh, we can't because you have a roommate at Ted.

01:18:00.000 So you're like 30, 40-year-old people staying with a roommate.

01:18:03.000 I was like, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

01:18:05.000 They make you room with people.

01:18:07.000 Wait a minute.

01:18:07.000 How can they do that?

01:18:08.000 How can they tell you who to sleep with?

01:18:10.000 Yeah, they were, yes!

01:18:11.000 And they were like, You have to ruin.

01:18:13.000 It's part of the TED experience.

01:18:14.000 And I was like, this is a cult.

01:18:16.000 At this point, you have crossed the threshold.

01:18:17.000 You are now fucking Scientology.

01:18:19.000 Yes.

01:18:19.000 Wait a minute.

01:18:20.000 That's crazy shit.

01:18:21.000 So they assign you.

01:18:22.000 They say, you know what?

01:18:24.000 We think that Eddie would grow if he lived with Sasha for a week.

01:18:29.000 Yeah.

01:18:29.000 So some crazy fuck who's, Sasha Shulgin, who's in there cooking up crystal meth and whatever the fuck he's doing, you would have to stay with that guy.

01:18:38.000 Yes.

01:18:39.000 I mean, luckily, they put me with this dude, Safwat, who was amazing.

01:18:42.000 Cool cat.

01:18:43.000 Oh, of course.

01:18:43.000 Sasha, Safwat.

01:18:44.000 Yeah, you were really...

01:18:45.000 To be able to pull the name of the dude out is amazing.

01:18:49.000 His name was Safwat, and I stayed with him, but I was like, I'm 30. I haven't stayed in a hotel with people in a minute.

01:18:54.000 How big is the hotel?

01:18:56.000 It's a small shitty hotel.

01:18:57.000 It's the Hyatt Regency.

01:18:58.000 It looks like a fucking airport hotel in Long Beach.

01:18:59.000 So you're like in the bed next to this guy?

01:19:02.000 Yeah.

01:19:02.000 So you had to hear each other snore?

01:19:03.000 Yeah.

01:19:04.000 Oh, dude.

01:19:05.000 Get the fuck out of here.

01:19:05.000 What the fuck is that?

01:19:06.000 And they also hold this shit at Long Beach and it's like next to like across the street literally you have back-to-back Outback, P.F. Changs, and like Subway.

01:19:16.000 It's ridiculous.

01:19:17.000 The whole thing is just weird.

01:19:18.000 I was like, I'll pay for my own room.

01:19:20.000 They're like, no, you're not allowed.

01:19:21.000 I was like...

01:19:22.000 You're not allowed to pay for your own room.

01:19:25.000 Yeah.

01:19:25.000 They're crazy.

01:19:26.000 They just want to control you.

01:19:28.000 That is amazing.

01:19:29.000 So I still love the talks, I love all the speakers, but that organization is fucked.

01:19:33.000 That's hilarious that they think that they could have that kind of influence over you.

01:19:36.000 It's part of the TED experience, Eddie.

01:19:38.000 It is part of the TED experience.

01:19:40.000 Eddie, it's part of the TED experience.

01:19:41.000 I can't believe that no one's talked about this before because this seems like straight up Boy Scouts.

01:19:46.000 Yeah.

01:19:47.000 You know what is the thing is most people, they need TED. They need TED to put you on.

01:19:51.000 They want to co-sign.

01:19:52.000 And most people, it's like, if you do something for me, I won't say anything about you, but...

01:19:55.000 I mean, I think, Joe, you're the same way.

01:19:57.000 I don't give a fuck what you do for me.

01:19:59.000 If you're a fucking weirdo and you're about to start some new cult conference religion, I'm going to say something.

01:20:05.000 I'm not going to follow your rules.

01:20:06.000 I would write a book about this.

01:20:09.000 If they actually tried to get me to do what they wanted me to do for four, five, six, seven days, whatever it was, and not pay you.

01:20:16.000 They send packets, too, to be like, this is how to network with billionaires.

01:20:20.000 Wow.

01:20:21.000 How to network with billionaires.

01:20:23.000 How to go to a network and talk to people and talk to potential people who could collaborate and work with you.

01:20:29.000 They're like, don't just go ask them for money.

01:20:31.000 And I'm like, this is crazy.

01:20:32.000 Oh my god.

01:20:33.000 Common sense shit is wild.

01:20:34.000 Don't just go ask them for money.

01:20:36.000 And it's in the packets.

01:20:37.000 Yeah.

01:20:37.000 And you're a grown ass man and they pick you.

01:20:39.000 You're obviously intelligent if you're getting picked for 10. And they're like, today when it rains, you should pack a punch.

01:20:45.000 It's wild.

01:20:46.000 See what that is?

01:20:47.000 Okay, what that is is exactly the opposite of the vehicle that got them there.

01:20:52.000 The vehicle that got them there is the internet.

01:20:55.000 What got them there is the fact that the freedom of the internet allows people to exchange interesting conversations like that.

01:21:01.000 Hey, you got to listen to this.

01:21:02.000 You got to watch this.

01:21:02.000 This lady gave the speech on monkeys.

01:21:04.000 It was amazing, whatever.

01:21:07.000 What they did is the exact opposite of that.

01:21:09.000 And that's why even though Obama's focusing on gun control, the most important debate that Americans will face in the next five years is internet freedom.

01:21:16.000 Internet freedom is the most important debate we will face and we are so fucking blind to it because the lobbyists are doing it under our noses.

01:21:24.000 Yeah, you surely...

01:21:25.000 You should have the right and ability to put your own website up and control your own content and express yourself in any way, shape, form you choose.

01:21:35.000 And the benefits of that have been staggering to our culture over the last couple of years.

01:21:40.000 Just over the last 10. And the idea that corporations might have the ability to step in And stop that or regulate that or restrict that or censor you.

01:21:52.000 If in anything that you do in somehow or another – if anything you do in somehow or another one way or a form costs them money and they decide that this is something that has to be stopped.

01:22:03.000 They're going to be able to do that unless we do something.

01:22:06.000 And once somebody realizes they have their hand on the faucet and they have the ability to turn it on and turn it off, people get crazy.

01:22:12.000 You've seen that study about...

01:22:13.000 Just like TED, like these TED people.

01:22:14.000 Yeah.

01:22:15.000 But people have power.

01:22:16.000 Yeah, they do this shit where they invite these people to go talk and they actually don't put up everybody's talks.

01:22:21.000 Until this year, they used to pick and choose and cherry pick the talks they'd put up and you would go there for a week, 15 hours a day, do all their shit, and then imagine if they didn't put up your talk.

01:22:32.000 But what if your talk sucks?

01:22:34.000 If your talk sucked, I feel like it should just go suck on the internet.

01:22:37.000 It'll go hide in a corner on the internet.

01:22:39.000 Right, but maybe if yes and no.

01:22:42.000 Because say if you had a comedy conference and you had all these comedians do sets, but some of them were just dog shit.

01:22:51.000 Would you want that set to represent your company?

01:22:54.000 No.

01:22:56.000 You wouldn't do it.

01:22:57.000 I wouldn't.

01:22:59.000 If I did, though, invite someone and they stayed for a week, And I didn't pay them, I would be like, the least I owe you is the opportunity that quite possibly there's three people on the planet Earth that enjoy yourself.

01:23:09.000 You know what I mean?

01:23:10.000 Yeah, that's one point.

01:23:11.000 Yeah, that's a point.

01:23:12.000 But I know what you're saying to protect the brand.

01:23:14.000 It makes a little sense, but for the most part, most people's talks are fucking good.

01:23:18.000 Yeah, they're there for a reason.

01:23:19.000 It's probably really different.

01:23:20.000 They're not going to get an open mic or a TED talker.

01:23:23.000 Yeah, it's not a bringer show.

01:23:25.000 But they give opportunities to a lot of weird people.

01:23:28.000 I mean, it's absolutely possible.

01:23:29.000 There must be.

01:23:30.000 I bet if we just ask, I bet we're ignorant to it, but if we just say, show me the TED Talks that suck a fat dick, they're going to say, okay, Twitter.

01:23:38.000 Twitter people, please, show me the TED Talks that suck a fat dick.

01:23:41.000 I mean, everyone wants to see the Sarah Silverman TED Talk that was never let out.

01:23:45.000 She gave a Sarah Silverman?

01:23:47.000 No, they never let it out because she made fun of TED. See, I would have fucking wanted to watch that immediately.

01:23:52.000 Really?

01:23:53.000 And the thing is, if you're confident in yourself, you can laugh at yourself.

01:23:56.000 They don't know how to laugh at themselves.

01:23:57.000 She made fun of Ted in what way?

01:23:59.000 Like during her talk.

01:24:00.000 It's like the mythology of it.

01:24:01.000 I didn't see the talk, obviously, but there's a Sarah Silverman TED talk they never let out.

01:24:06.000 Wow.

01:24:07.000 We need to get Sarah Silverman on this podcast.

01:24:09.000 Yeah, I need to run into her somewhere.

01:24:11.000 I can make it happen.

01:24:12.000 Okay, make it happen.

01:24:14.000 I've never heard anything bad about Ted before.

01:24:17.000 So that's why this is such a shock.

01:24:19.000 It is weird though.

01:24:20.000 You meet the donors and stuff and they can't tell Asian people apart.

01:24:23.000 They can't tell African people apart.

01:24:25.000 And it's just, it's weird, man.

01:24:27.000 Like they're nice and everybody means well.

01:24:29.000 Did they call you David Cho?

01:24:32.000 No, they just mistake you for other fellows because so many of them are Asian.

01:24:37.000 Really?

01:24:38.000 That's funny.

01:24:38.000 Yeah.

01:24:39.000 How many different people do it every year?

01:24:42.000 Every year they pick like 20 fellows, and then they pick a bunch of other people for the main stage.

01:24:46.000 So, yeah.

01:24:47.000 I mean, no, it is an ill organization.

01:24:49.000 I still, even though they booted me today, I love the speakers, I love the talks, and I want it to continue.

01:24:55.000 But I hope that they at least, you know, they could say, I suck, and that's fine.

01:24:59.000 They could be like, Eddie's a shithead, he went to LA, he did the fucking podcast, and he sucks.

01:25:03.000 But I hope they just change rules for future people.

01:25:05.000 Listen, you didn't do anything wrong.

01:25:07.000 They're crazy.

01:25:07.000 And all they represent is a distribution method for the greatest minds on earth.

01:25:13.000 That's all they represent.

01:25:14.000 It's not that they are the greatest minds on earth.

01:25:17.000 It's just there are so many interesting people today.

01:25:19.000 We live in an amazing time.

01:25:21.000 And just when you good something like TED, whatever TED stands for… It became synonymous on the internet with fascinating talks.

01:25:29.000 Boom, and then it's off.

01:25:31.000 But if you wanted to, you could do the Eddie Wong's fascinating motherfuckers on Vice and do the exact same thing.

01:25:39.000 Yes, I think there's a lot of room for that because conferences – like I would love to hear more people from downtown LA, downtown New York talking and doing these ideas because they don't find those dudes.

01:25:49.000 They find academics.

01:25:50.000 They find people playing ancient instruments.

01:25:52.000 They find people that are working nature things.

01:25:55.000 And they have their kind of like cultural sect, you know?

01:25:58.000 But there is a lot of room to find genius in other places.

01:26:01.000 Genius is everywhere.

01:26:01.000 You know this.

01:26:02.000 Yeah.

01:26:02.000 You travel around the world, you find genius anywhere.

01:26:04.000 So there's room for conferences that like look under different cultures because they're kind of looking under the same stones all the time.

01:26:11.000 Right.

01:26:11.000 And they're going to run out of bugs.

01:26:13.000 Yeah.

01:26:13.000 And I'm one of the first times they've stepped out to be like, all right, there's this dude.

01:26:18.000 He's Chinese.

01:26:18.000 He's into hip hop.

01:26:19.000 He lives in downtown New York.

01:26:20.000 He used to sell drugs.

01:26:21.000 He now has a restaurant.

01:26:23.000 I think I was the only...

01:26:25.000 Working chef that was a Ted Fellow.

01:26:27.000 So I was one of their choices that was really out there, but it just didn't work out.

01:26:31.000 It didn't work out because you're not willing to be a fucking slave and sleep in a hotel room with a stranger for a week.

01:26:36.000 Yeah.

01:26:37.000 That's insane.

01:26:37.000 They had me.

01:26:38.000 I rehearsed for two days.

01:26:39.000 I fucking did the talk.

01:26:40.000 I did everything I'm supposed to do and then I was like, I'm going to just peace out for like a half day and they bugged.

01:26:44.000 Wow.

01:26:45.000 You know, that's crazy.

01:26:47.000 And the fact that they don't pay you, it's crazy.

01:26:49.000 You guys need to do a Vice show exposing Ted, how loony Ted is.

01:26:53.000 I told Vice that.

01:26:54.000 What did Vice say?

01:26:54.000 I told them that before I got booted.

01:26:56.000 I sent them an email like, yo, you got to see this shit.

01:26:58.000 It's like the beginnings of Scientology.

01:27:00.000 Wow.

01:27:02.000 It is so true that once people have a position of power and influence and people want to be a part of them, people go corrupt.

01:27:10.000 What is the threshold at which something becomes a religion?

01:27:16.000 It's kind of insane.

01:27:17.000 It's so easy to start a cult today.

01:27:20.000 Yeah.

01:27:20.000 There's so many people looking to jump on board.

01:27:22.000 You know, all the people that would have 100 years ago become Catholics, now they're like, man, popes just won't stop fucking kids.

01:27:29.000 I can't do this.

01:27:30.000 I need a new cult.

01:27:32.000 I don't know why people still believe in these.

01:27:34.000 Like, you look at what these people are doing.

01:27:36.000 Like, what's happening in the Catholic Church is insane.

01:27:39.000 Fucking popes resigning.

01:27:41.000 This is the first time it's gotten so hot that the Pope's like, I'm out of here.

01:27:44.000 He's asked for immunity from the Italian government, from prosecution, because he's responsible for shielding pedophiles.

01:27:52.000 He personally, and a lot of people don't know this, the Pope personally.

01:27:57.000 Responsible for taking pedophiles and shifting them away to another place where they molested more kids.

01:28:02.000 And what would you expect?

01:28:04.000 These people aren't allowed to have sex.

01:28:06.000 It's natural to want to have sex.

01:28:07.000 It's natural to want to go to LA and do podcasts.

01:28:10.000 You know, soon they'd be like, you cannot come to TED and have sex without condoms.

01:28:13.000 I'd be like, fuck that.

01:28:14.000 Could you imagine?

01:28:15.000 There is no unprotected sex.

01:28:17.000 There is no raw dogging at TED. Legal.

01:28:19.000 No ass-fucking while you're here.

01:28:21.000 Oh, man.

01:28:22.000 That would be a mutiny.

01:28:22.000 While you're a TED Fellow.

01:28:23.000 There would be a mutiny.

01:28:24.000 I wonder if they would have like – you could slowly start imposing behavior standards on Fellows.

01:28:30.000 If you want to call it like a TED Fellow or whatever new organization you want to start.

01:28:34.000 They do shit like you should have a standing – you should give a standing ovation when this person comes.

01:28:38.000 You should do this and that.

01:28:39.000 It's crazy.

01:28:40.000 Yeah.

01:28:41.000 Wait a minute, wait a minute.

01:28:42.000 Fake standing ovations?

01:28:44.000 Yeah, and they were also saying like, you know, when the founder comes, Chris Anderson comes, like, you don't have to give him a standing ovation.

01:28:49.000 Like, you know, it's nice if you want to, but he doesn't actually need you to do it.

01:28:53.000 I'm like, The fact that you needed to give me this fake halfway disclaimer is so fucking strange.

01:28:58.000 Wow, that's so bizarre.

01:29:00.000 They tell you who to and not to give standing ovations to.

01:29:04.000 Who's a must?

01:29:05.000 You have to apply to go to TED, to attend, and then once you're accepted, you pay $8,000.

01:29:11.000 What?

01:29:12.000 That's a mindfuck.

01:29:13.000 Wait a minute.

01:29:14.000 You had to pay?

01:29:15.000 No, hell no I didn't pay.

01:29:16.000 But the people who do it, they apply.

01:29:18.000 Okay, so the people that attend, the strict audience members you're saying.

01:29:22.000 You gotta want to be so down so bad to do that.

01:29:25.000 To go through an application process and then fucking pay.

01:29:27.000 That's a lot of money.

01:29:28.000 How many people are going?

01:29:29.000 How many people go?

01:29:30.000 I don't know.

01:29:31.000 I think like 2,000?

01:29:32.000 3,000?

01:29:33.000 Whoa!

01:29:34.000 Holy shit!

01:29:35.000 Yeah, that's a lot of money they make.

01:29:37.000 Holy shit.

01:29:38.000 Yeah.

01:29:39.000 That's a lot of money.

01:29:40.000 Yeah.

01:29:40.000 They make off of you.

01:29:42.000 Yeah.

01:29:42.000 2,000 people paying $8,000 is how much?

01:29:45.000 Uh, six.

01:29:47.000 360,000?

01:29:48.000 No, 16. What is it?

01:29:50.000 160,000?

01:29:51.000 No.

01:29:52.000 Oh, is that what it is?

01:29:52.000 It's gotta be more.

01:29:53.000 No, it's way more than that.

01:29:54.000 It's like 16 million, I think.

01:29:56.000 What?

01:29:56.000 Yeah.

01:29:57.000 2,000 times.

01:29:59.000 Is it 16 million?

01:30:01.000 2,000 times 8,000.

01:30:02.000 Jamie, you don't know shit about your numbers.

01:30:04.000 And I didn't even bother counting.

01:30:06.000 I listened to you.

01:30:06.000 Ask a Asian.

01:30:07.000 Always.

01:30:08.000 I'm asking Asians from now on.

01:30:09.000 Pretty sure it's 16 million in my hand.

01:30:11.000 Jamie, you silly bitch.

01:30:14.000 What is it, Brian?

01:30:15.000 There's a calculator built into a lack, right?

01:30:17.000 Hey, what's the number?

01:30:18.000 What's the number?

01:30:19.000 2,000 times 8,000.

01:30:21.000 It's got to be 16 million.

01:30:23.000 What's 2,000 times 8,000?

01:30:30.000 This might answer your question.

01:30:32.000 It is 1.6 million I think.

01:30:36.000 Oh.

01:30:36.000 1.6 million.

01:30:37.000 Okay.

01:30:37.000 I was one off.

01:30:38.000 I was excited.

01:30:39.000 Okay.

01:30:40.000 That makes sense.

01:30:40.000 That's still a lot of bread.

01:30:41.000 So they made 1.6 million.

01:30:43.000 Oh, no.

01:30:43.000 It's 16 million.

01:30:44.000 Yeah, 16 million.

01:30:45.000 Okay.

01:30:45.000 All right.

01:30:46.000 The human calculator was fast.

01:30:48.000 Very nice.

01:30:49.000 So they made 16 million, which is even crazier.

01:30:52.000 And they did this in this time where you were there and no one got paid.

01:30:57.000 We didn't get paid.

01:30:57.000 Nobody got paid.

01:30:59.000 Wow.

01:31:00.000 Yup.

01:31:00.000 We are suckers, dude.

01:31:02.000 We're suckers.

01:31:03.000 And they're always telling you, like, you're gonna get exposure.

01:31:05.000 I was like, no lie, more people listen to the Joe Rogan experience.

01:31:08.000 I'm sorry.

01:31:08.000 That's true, Ted.

01:31:09.000 Suck it.

01:31:10.000 Yeah.

01:31:11.000 Ted, we got you beat by like a million.

01:31:13.000 Yup.

01:31:14.000 But that's still nuts, man.

01:31:16.000 That's a lot of money.

01:31:17.000 We're not making that money.

01:31:18.000 We need to make that money.

01:31:19.000 You guys should.

01:31:19.000 We need to get 8,000 people to give up $10 million each.

01:31:22.000 I know how to do it.

01:31:24.000 I'm going to just raise the bar and only get really stupid rich people.

01:31:27.000 I don't want to go after poor people because I think that's rude.

01:31:31.000 So a million.

01:31:32.000 You got a bolt soon?

01:31:33.000 Yeah, my bad, Joe.

01:31:34.000 No, that's all right.

01:31:35.000 What are you doing next?

01:31:35.000 What do you got going on?

01:31:36.000 I got a meeting.

01:31:37.000 You know LA meetings.

01:31:39.000 I got to go to NBC shit.

01:31:40.000 Bullshit.

01:31:41.000 Bullshit.

01:31:42.000 My bad.

01:31:43.000 It's a weak excuse.

01:31:43.000 What are you going to do next?

01:31:44.000 You got another show you're working on after the Vice show?

01:31:47.000 Yeah.

01:31:48.000 You tell us.

01:31:48.000 Give us a sneak peek.

01:31:49.000 Is it going to be on NBC? We're optioning the book.

01:31:52.000 Really?

01:31:52.000 The book is going to become a sitcom.

01:31:54.000 The Margaret Cho moratorium has been lifted.

01:31:58.000 The Margaret Cho moratorium on Asian television has been lifted.

01:32:02.000 We want to do a sitcom from the books.

01:32:05.000 Oh, that's fascinating.

01:32:06.000 Like Chelsea Lately.

01:32:07.000 Yeah.

01:32:07.000 I have not seen that, but all I know is my dad's dream was to be Al Bundy and hopefully someone can play Al Bundy like my dad.

01:32:15.000 Wow.

01:32:15.000 You gotta lock Bobby Lee up to a long term deal right now?

01:32:19.000 Be a part of your movie?

01:32:21.000 Or your show?

01:32:22.000 I was kinda hoping Ron Artest would go yellow face.

01:32:25.000 I wonder if he can do it.

01:32:26.000 What can they do with CGI? Think about what they did to what's his name in Tron.

01:32:30.000 Can they do that with an American actor?

01:32:33.000 Could they do that?

01:32:34.000 For my family, there's five people.

01:32:35.000 I kind of want to just get the Michigan Fab Five together and yellow face.

01:32:39.000 Go yellow face.

01:32:41.000 Just tape.

01:32:42.000 It's funny.

01:32:43.000 What was that?

01:32:43.000 Because networks are like, which Asian actor would you want?

01:32:45.000 I'm like, I don't know.

01:32:46.000 Just get the Fab Five to go yellow face.

01:32:48.000 There was a Chinese investigator that they used to do.

01:32:55.000 Charlie Chan.

01:32:56.000 And in the movie, it was a white guy that played Charlie Chan.

01:33:00.000 Do you know that?

01:33:01.000 No.

01:33:01.000 The original Charlie Chan.

01:33:03.000 Yeah, the original Charlie Chan was some old dude.

01:33:08.000 Hold on a second.

01:33:10.000 Charlie Chan was like this wise, old school detective.

01:33:18.000 But yeah, it was played by Warner Oland.

01:33:22.000 He wasn't Chinese at all.

01:33:23.000 Look at him.

01:33:25.000 Yeah, no, a lot of people went yellowface back in the day.

01:33:27.000 I mean, that's hilarious.

01:33:29.000 Yeah.

01:33:29.000 When did they start, you gotta leave, but when did they start adding Asian actors to roles, like allowing Asians to play roles?

01:33:36.000 It was probably Gremlins 1. Oh, big trouble, little China.

01:33:43.000 You know, like, no white people want to be around this gremlin.

01:33:46.000 Wow.

01:33:47.000 Yeah.

01:33:47.000 But yo, thank you for having me, man.

01:33:49.000 Dude, next time, come back again.

01:33:51.000 Come back and stay all day.

01:33:53.000 You're in the house, brother.

01:33:54.000 Thank you.

01:33:54.000 And please go buy Eddie's book.

01:33:56.000 It is called Fresh Off the Boat.

01:33:58.000 It is available on audible.com.

01:34:00.000 You can go to audible.com forward slash Joe and you can get that book for free if you'd like.

01:34:06.000 And you also get a 30-day free...

01:34:09.000 Hey, we've got to take a picture of you before you leave.

01:34:11.000 We've got a 30-day free membership to Audible.com, and it's one of our sponsors.

01:34:16.000 Audible.com.

01:34:26.000 We'll be back Sunday night with Dr. Stephen Greer.

01:34:31.000 He is that super smart dude who claims that he speaks to aliens.

01:34:36.000 He's the guy from the Disclosure Project.

01:34:38.000 He's not a loon.

01:34:40.000 This is going to be very fascinating, but it's going to be late.

01:34:42.000 It'll be 8 o'clock California time.

01:34:50.000 We're good to go.

01:35:03.000 And the Palace Theatre in Columbus on Saturday.

01:35:07.000 And then we will see you back here in Cyberspace Sunday night for the crazy Stephen Greer UFO Revelation Podcast.

01:35:17.000 My dick is hard just thinking about this.

01:35:19.000 Although that's probably not what Mr. Greer wants to hear.

01:35:23.000 Him being a distinguished gentleman of science, you don't want to hear someone's dick is hard to meet you, but it is.

01:35:30.000 So deal with that.

01:35:31.000 Alright.

01:35:31.000 We love the shit out of you guys.

01:35:33.000 And we couldn't be happier with everything.

01:35:35.000 So we'll see you soon.

01:35:37.000 Hopefully.

01:35:38.000 Keep it together, bitches.

01:35:40.000 Love yourself as you would love other people.

01:35:42.000 And them too.

01:35:43.000 And that.

01:35:44.000 And this.

01:35:45.000 And the other thing.

01:35:46.000 Get it together!

The Joe Rogan Experience - February 27, 2013

Joe Rogan Experience #330 - Eddie Huang

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