The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #352

00:00:02.000 Hey!

00:00:02.000 Whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:00:03.000 Meow!

00:00:03.000 Whoa, we forgot where you were.

00:00:05.000 Yeah, I did.

00:00:05.000 Yeah, this is the original spot.

00:00:09.000 And in the original spot, now known as Death Squad East.

00:00:14.000 Death Squad East has cats.

00:00:16.000 And for some reason, Brian has decided that Dasquad West is a primate beast.

00:00:23.000 It's all monkeys and scary things.

00:00:26.000 Live ones too, right?

00:00:27.000 Well, the studio itself definitely has a different feel.

00:00:30.000 You know, with the werewolf when you walk into the place.

00:00:32.000 That's an extraordinary feel.

00:00:33.000 That thing's awesome.

00:00:34.000 It is awesome.

00:00:34.000 It's the coolest thing I've ever bought in my life.

00:00:36.000 Powerful Pat McGee.

00:00:38.000 The guy from Pat McGee Special Effects, he makes them.

00:00:41.000 You can order one, and you can order one.

00:00:42.000 Before you got married, your house would have at least seven of those in there.

00:00:45.000 Yeah, it would definitely have.

00:00:47.000 It's so different.

00:00:48.000 When you live with a chick, man, they start moving your shit around, putting pictures of your kids on the wall.

00:00:52.000 I used to have chimps up all over my house.

00:00:55.000 If you went over my house when I was a single man back in the day, I used to have pictures of chimps everywhere.

00:01:00.000 And sculptures, too?

00:01:01.000 Yeah.

00:01:01.000 Weird sculptures.

00:01:02.000 Weird shit.

00:01:03.000 Yeah.

00:01:04.000 Literally, you'd walk around his whole entire house and there'd be a monkey or a chimp every five steps.

00:01:08.000 There'd be a different picture.

00:01:09.000 Really?

00:01:10.000 One eating a tiger, one eating sex.

00:01:11.000 No, there's no chimps eating tigers, but I got them chasing after chickens.

00:01:15.000 For how long were you rocking that, though?

00:01:17.000 Oh, man, I've been obsessed with chimpanzees since I was a baby.

00:01:21.000 So even like teenager style, you were doing it?

00:01:23.000 Oh, yeah, I've always been obsessed with apes.

00:01:26.000 Obsessed with them.

00:01:27.000 I find them fucking fascinating.

00:01:29.000 My production company's name is Talking Monkey Incorporated.

00:01:32.000 That was in like 1988. And that was a line I stole from a movie with...

00:01:42.000 What the fuck was that dude's name?

00:01:45.000 I forget his name.

00:01:49.000 Wait, you don't believe that.

00:01:50.000 Mark Harmon?

00:01:51.000 The thing that was his?

00:01:52.000 He had a funny movie, like a summertime movie.

00:01:55.000 Mark Harmon, okay.

00:01:56.000 It was like summer school or some shit like that.

00:01:58.000 He was like the teacher in summer school.

00:01:59.000 And he said to a guy, if you lose one more brain cell, you'd be a talking monkey.

00:02:05.000 And I remember that all of a sudden put in my head the idea of a talking monkey.

00:02:10.000 Like, how stupid would a person have to be?

00:02:12.000 If we really did evolve, how far back would we have to go until we became a talking monkey?

00:02:17.000 You know what I mean?

00:02:18.000 What is that?

00:02:19.000 And so that became, I mean, that was my initial obsession, but that's why I named my company Talking Monkey Incorporated.

00:02:27.000 I can see how an obsession with monkeys develops.

00:02:29.000 They're so fascinating, man.

00:02:30.000 If they didn't exist, we would be tripping the fuck out.

00:02:33.000 If someone showed you, if there was no chimpanzees, and all of a sudden we found chimpanzees somewhere, we'd be like, holy shit, look at them, they're looking at you, they're thinking, oh my god, they're using tools, holy fuck, look at this, this is like a window back in time!

00:02:48.000 This is like the fucking sensory deprivation tank in altered states!

00:02:52.000 We can see our past.

00:02:53.000 I mean, you literally can see your past.

00:02:55.000 Yeah.

00:02:56.000 I mean, somehow or another.

00:02:57.000 I don't understand evolution scientifically.

00:03:00.000 Behaviorally.

00:03:01.000 When I talk like this, people said, well, you really don't understand how evolution works.

00:03:05.000 Okay, I appreciate that, but I think you can reasonably extrapolate that if people exist, and then there was some early people.

00:03:13.000 There was like, you know, homo whatever.

00:03:15.000 There was like a bunch of different homos.

00:03:18.000 Yeah, lots of homos, yeah.

00:03:19.000 Homo Australopithecus.

00:03:23.000 There was that one too.

00:03:25.000 Our direct ancestors that they believe.

00:03:28.000 It's like, somehow or another, we had to be more primitive.

00:03:31.000 It wasn't like we just started out close to a human.

00:03:34.000 There were some steps along the way, you fuck.

00:03:37.000 And I think it's not unreasonable to look at chimpanzees and say, even though that's not our step along the way, it's from a different branch of the same tree, the same primate tree, I think you can reasonably extrapolate that there's something very similar to the way they are that we probably were, you know, at least we can put it together.

00:03:52.000 Them and orangutans and bonobos, we can mix them all together and try to figure out what the fuck we were like.

00:03:57.000 There's different models that have to come along before humans.

00:04:01.000 Fuck yeah, there has to be.

00:04:02.000 There's a C class, and there's an E class, and then there's an S class, you know?

00:04:05.000 You know what?

00:04:05.000 Fuck commercials for this podcast.

00:04:08.000 I don't feel like doing any commercials.

00:04:10.000 This is like a podcast that came out of nowhere.

00:04:12.000 We didn't even see this coming, Tommy Buns.

00:04:14.000 We put it together last minute.

00:04:16.000 So, no commercials.

00:04:18.000 Suck it.

00:04:19.000 Suck it, please.

00:04:20.000 Move on.

00:04:21.000 And let's just get going.

00:04:23.000 Brian Redman working the mic, rocking the discs, turning the tables.

00:04:29.000 The Joe Rogan experience.

00:04:32.000 Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.

00:04:39.000 Ladies and gentlemen, Tommy Buns.

00:04:41.000 Now this podcast may be the first podcast that Sirius ever plays where you get the full podcast.

00:04:47.000 Oh, Sirius?

00:04:48.000 They don't have to edit it because we don't have a commercial in it.

00:04:51.000 Oh, that's great.

00:04:52.000 So what people don't know is that I'm financially irresponsible and...

00:04:58.000 I'm not that good at advertising shit.

00:05:00.000 And a lot of times when we do our podcast, the advertisements may take as long as 20 minutes.

00:05:05.000 Because somewhere in the advertisements, you know, Brian Callum might bring up some crazy fucking book that he read, and all of a sudden we're on this wild journey, or Duncan Trussell blows your mind with a certain thought in the middle of a commercial talking about something, and now you're off on a tangent.

00:05:21.000 But a lot of that shit never makes it to Sirius Satellite Radio.

00:05:25.000 I even think, isn't the show only like an hour long too?

00:05:27.000 Like they just edit it down to an hour or something?

00:05:29.000 Probably.

00:05:29.000 I don't know.

00:05:30.000 But it's awesome that they put us on there.

00:05:32.000 I'm happy to be on there because it's Opie and Anthony who are my friends.

00:05:36.000 It's a good group of humans.

00:05:38.000 They're good guys.

00:05:39.000 Jim Norton's a great guy.

00:05:40.000 I love being associated with those guys.

00:05:43.000 Those guys, I'm down for them.

00:05:45.000 Everybody seems like a good crew, man.

00:05:47.000 They're great guys, man.

00:05:48.000 Anthony's a beautiful human being.

00:05:50.000 Opie is a fucking awesome guy.

00:05:52.000 They're awesome.

00:05:53.000 Jim Norton is one of my favorite humans ever.

00:05:57.000 So it's like all of them together.

00:05:58.000 We have some great conversations.

00:06:01.000 They're not dumb guys by any stretch of the imagination.

00:06:03.000 Even though I disagree with some of them ideologically.

00:06:07.000 Sometimes I disagree with Anthony.

00:06:08.000 He's real strong, right-wing, Republican.

00:06:11.000 But he's also, I believe in a lot of things that he believes in.

00:06:15.000 There's a lot of shit that I believe in, especially the gun control issue.

00:06:18.000 You know, I mean, he's a bit extreme, you know?

00:06:21.000 He's a crazy gun nut, and he has guns all over the place.

00:06:24.000 He loves guns, huh?

00:06:25.000 That's all I see.

00:06:27.000 I honestly believe that when you see these shooting victims and all these different things, this is not a gun issue.

00:06:34.000 It's a mental health issue.

00:06:36.000 It's the ability to do that that should be so alien from our society.

00:06:41.000 And I liken it to a group of close friends, okay?

00:06:45.000 And this is obviously an exaggeration.

00:06:47.000 It's really hard to do when you're talking about a giant society of people that are never going to get to meet each other.

00:06:51.000 But, in a group of close friends, like us, the people in this room, okay?

00:06:55.000 Let's pretend that we were all on a deserted island.

00:06:59.000 What are the odds that one of us would become a suicide bomber?

00:07:02.000 Okay, pretty fucking small, right?

00:07:05.000 Pretty fucking small.

00:07:06.000 How does someone become a suicide bomber?

00:07:09.000 How does someone become a guy who could drop a bomb off at a marathon finishing line?

00:07:14.000 How does someone do that?

00:07:16.000 What the fuck happens to that guy that lets you do that?

00:07:20.000 Because the reality is that there's a lot of shit that can kill people in this world, including cars.

00:07:26.000 And everyone has cars.

00:07:28.000 And if you wanted to kill far more people than this guy did at the marathon, you could run over people in your car.

00:07:34.000 The reason he did it this way is because he wanted to not be accountable for it.

00:07:38.000 He thought he could get away with it.

00:07:40.000 Sure.

00:07:40.000 If this is the, you know, if you buy the official story, Alex Jones, if you buy the official story, ladies and gentlemen!

00:07:47.000 But if you, you know, you look at this guy, like who they're claiming this guy is that was the older brother, they think he might have committed three murders as well.

00:07:57.000 Three murders outside of this?

00:07:58.000 Yeah, and one night, three people were murdered, and one of them was a close friend and training partner of this guy.

00:08:06.000 And the bodies, cash was left there, and the bodies were covered with marijuana.

00:08:11.000 Wow.

00:08:11.000 Yeah, and this guy was very religious, apparently, and he had become more and more religious in the past few years.

00:08:19.000 Now again...

00:08:20.000 Settle down, tinfoil people.

00:08:22.000 This is if you buy the official story.

00:08:24.000 I don't know who the fuck this dude was.

00:08:25.000 I'm just reading what I'm getting out of.

00:08:29.000 Essentially, almost all news sources seem to be agreeing with these stories.

00:08:35.000 That this guy was super religious.

00:08:37.000 Well, he got kind of radicalized a couple years ago.

00:08:40.000 He went back to Russia for six months.

00:08:43.000 And they say that's when he came back and radicalized.

00:08:47.000 Again, that's the official story.

00:08:49.000 Alex Jones will tell you, this is a false flag event, Tommy.

00:08:53.000 What they're doing, they're trying to take away your guns.

00:08:56.000 Well, supposedly he listened to Alex Jones.

00:08:58.000 He was a fan of InfoWars.

00:09:00.000 That's so ridiculous.

00:09:01.000 Well, maybe he was a fan of InfoWars the way I'm a fan of Sean Hannity.

00:09:05.000 Like, oh, listen, just because it's fucking hilarity.

00:09:08.000 It's funny to watch people twist the narrative like that.

00:09:10.000 It's funny to watch people that are just so blatantly right-wing that they'll just never admit Ever that anyone on the left has any idea.

00:09:21.000 Any even compliment is said with a smirk that's soon to follow some disparaging remark about who they are.

00:09:29.000 It's never like, Obama's a brilliant man.

00:09:31.000 Even if it's an idea that they were behind, there's still a spin on it.

00:09:37.000 It's a fucking game.

00:09:39.000 They're in a team, and they strategize to get that team to win.

00:09:42.000 And they do it within the rules, but they know they're full of shit.

00:09:45.000 Like, as they're doing it, you can hear their voice.

00:09:47.000 They know they're full of shit.

00:09:49.000 But the game is so screwy.

00:09:51.000 It's one of those games that doesn't make any sense, like baseball.

00:09:54.000 Why the fuck do they dress like that?

00:09:56.000 Look how you're dressed.

00:09:57.000 Look at those stupid fucking tights.

00:10:00.000 And what is that outfit?

00:10:02.000 What is that?

00:10:02.000 You don't like those socks?

00:10:03.000 They've always dressed like that, goddammit.

00:10:05.000 They're stuck.

00:10:06.000 They're stuck with a stupid outfit back from when people didn't have newspapers.

00:10:10.000 That's when they made that dumbass outfit.

00:10:13.000 That outfit's retarded.

00:10:14.000 It is a retarded outfit.

00:10:16.000 It's ridiculous.

00:10:16.000 It's stupid as fuck.

00:10:18.000 It puts me in tears to watch that game.

00:10:21.000 Well, it's a fun game to play.

00:10:23.000 I'm sure.

00:10:24.000 But getting stuck in that old shit like that, that's the only reason why politicians are able to get away with the way they communicate today.

00:10:32.000 I can't imagine being a person who is into politics, like really into it, and not be cynical and not be...

00:10:41.000 It's so disheartening to follow politics.

00:10:44.000 To me, it just...

00:10:45.000 It absolutely kills the soul.

00:10:47.000 You know what, man?

00:10:48.000 I recognize it as I become an older man.

00:10:51.000 I recognize it for what it is.

00:10:53.000 It's an act.

00:10:54.000 Right.

00:10:55.000 And you know why?

00:10:56.000 I know because I do an act, too.

00:10:58.000 I know what an act is like.

00:10:59.000 I know when I'm doing stand-up.

00:11:00.000 When I have stand-up, I'm going to, you know, if I want to do my best.

00:11:05.000 What I do is I ad-lib quite a bit, but I also have some key components that I have broken down into pretty specific ways of saying it.

00:11:14.000 Right.

00:11:14.000 Because that's the best way.

00:11:15.000 It has the most response.

00:11:16.000 But I'm trying to tell jokes.

00:11:18.000 When you hear a person give a speech and they have that weird sort of artificial quality to the way they're talking, we should reject that.

00:11:28.000 Yes.

00:11:29.000 I completely agree with you.

00:11:30.000 We shouldn't let them do that.

00:11:31.000 Yeah.

00:11:32.000 We should be like, just talk like a normal person.

00:11:34.000 Yeah.

00:11:35.000 What are you doing about the budget?

00:11:38.000 The budget is an important priority of this administration.

00:11:44.000 It's something we think about every day.

00:11:48.000 Who the fuck are you?

00:11:49.000 Yeah, what are you saying?

00:11:50.000 If your guy was talking to you like that, you'd be like, stop!

00:11:53.000 Stop, asshole!

00:11:54.000 You know who else does that exact speech, too?

00:11:56.000 That type of language comes from the corporate world.

00:12:00.000 If you talk to a guy and you're like, I had a bad experience at your offices, he'd be like...

00:12:06.000 You know, every time a customer comes into one of our establishments, we want them to have opportunity.

00:12:12.000 We want them to have choices.

00:12:14.000 And you're like, what the fuck are you talking about?

00:12:17.000 That's corporate.

00:12:18.000 That's not how humans can stop.

00:12:20.000 Exactly.

00:12:21.000 Exactly.

00:12:22.000 You can hear the training video.

00:12:24.000 You get that sometimes when you go, now when they go, do you want to sign up for the special extra warranty?

00:12:30.000 You go, I don't know.

00:12:31.000 They go, well, you know, when I had my computer a couple years ago, I knocked a bottle of Coke over.

00:12:37.000 I love Coke.

00:12:38.000 And it left a thing, and because of the warranty, they took care of it.

00:12:42.000 You're like, that's a training speech.

00:12:45.000 They tell you to make a personal story up.

00:12:48.000 And you're like, I know you're saying that to me right now.

00:12:50.000 It's so corny and fake.

00:12:51.000 That didn't happen to you.

00:12:52.000 You know that feeling when someone's lying to you, that when you're looking at them and they're just straight bullshitting you, and they won't even look you in the eye, they're looking down, looking around, and panicking as they bullshit you.

00:13:04.000 Sure.

00:13:05.000 The worst is if you know somebody that can do, when you know they're lying and they're not panicking, you're like, oh, you're a crazy person.

00:13:12.000 You're a fucking sociopath, man.

00:13:14.000 Yeah, that's a weird moment when you're talking to a guy and you're like, I'm not sure what realm you're playing this game in.

00:13:19.000 I'm not wearing a hat right now.

00:13:20.000 You know what I mean?

00:13:21.000 I'm not wearing a hat.

00:13:22.000 And you're like, see it on your head.

00:13:25.000 I'm not wearing one, man.

00:13:26.000 Especially if they get stuck in a bad situation.

00:13:30.000 Yeah.

00:13:31.000 They get stuck in where they did something douchey.

00:13:35.000 You know.

00:13:36.000 Yep.

00:13:37.000 You're like, wow.

00:13:39.000 Crazy people are so strange.

00:13:41.000 It's so weird to run into someone who just doesn't see things.

00:13:45.000 It is, man.

00:13:46.000 Like, you see the world, and they see a gigantic galactic conspiracy.

00:13:52.000 Did I ever tell you about this comedian, whoever may name us, who came up to me and just started showing me pictures on his iPhones?

00:13:57.000 He's like, look at this.

00:13:58.000 And I'm looking at it.

00:13:59.000 It's pictures of clouds.

00:14:00.000 Yeah.

00:14:00.000 Right?

00:14:00.000 I'm like, I'm thinking, okay, it's beautiful clouds.

00:14:03.000 He goes, look at that.

00:14:04.000 Look at that.

00:14:05.000 And we just keep doing this.

00:14:06.000 He shows me like 10 of these.

00:14:08.000 And he's an older guy, so I'm trying to be considerate.

00:14:10.000 I'm like, yeah, yeah, wow, pretty cool.

00:14:12.000 And he goes, you know, I've been seeing them for years.

00:14:15.000 I go, what are they?

00:14:16.000 He goes, they're alien craft.

00:14:18.000 He goes, these are UFOs.

00:14:21.000 They've been coming in various forms.

00:14:23.000 I see them.

00:14:24.000 I've been taking pictures of them.

00:14:25.000 It's incredible that You know, no one's paying attention to this.

00:14:28.000 This is a very strange thing.

00:14:29.000 And I'm like, am I in a sketch?

00:14:31.000 I'm like, is he fucking with me?

00:14:32.000 Because, you know, he's kind of a silly guy.

00:14:34.000 I'm like, if he's fucking with me, this would be kind of...

00:14:36.000 And then I realized, oh, oh, wait a minute.

00:14:38.000 I'm dealing with someone who's got a screw loose.

00:14:41.000 There's a screw.

00:14:42.000 It's not where it's supposed to be.

00:14:44.000 He's not 100% crazy.

00:14:45.000 Like, he's very functional for the most part.

00:14:47.000 I enjoy talking to him.

00:14:49.000 He's a nice guy.

00:14:50.000 But when it gets to...

00:14:51.000 He'll pull out his fucking iPhone.

00:14:53.000 You gotta run.

00:14:54.000 You gotta get out of there.

00:14:55.000 Because you're gonna be looking at pictures of clouds.

00:14:57.000 And he's gonna tell you about spacecrafts that have been contacting him.

00:15:01.000 Yeah.

00:15:02.000 And it's...

00:15:02.000 But other than that, he's normal.

00:15:03.000 Do you like cheeseburgers?

00:15:04.000 I like cheeseburgers.

00:15:05.000 Yeah.

00:15:05.000 You wanna get fries?

00:15:06.000 Yeah, can you pass me a salt, please?

00:15:07.000 Sure.

00:15:07.000 So what's going on, man?

00:15:08.000 How's the road treating you?

00:15:10.000 Like, you have a conversation with a guy.

00:15:11.000 Yeah, sure.

00:15:11.000 I know a guy like that, and you think he's just being kind of a storyteller.

00:15:19.000 He starts telling stories, and you're like, there's a lot of exaggerations in these stories.

00:15:23.000 And then you're like, you know, he kind of rambles on and on.

00:15:27.000 And then he switches topics real fast to a whole new story.

00:15:32.000 But it's about something like, he's like, you know, I got shot six times.

00:15:36.000 And you're like, what?

00:15:37.000 He's like, yeah.

00:15:38.000 So I was over.

00:15:39.000 I was in South Carolina.

00:15:42.000 I was going past Columbia.

00:15:43.000 And it's a new story that starts.

00:15:45.000 And you're like, yeah.

00:15:46.000 And then this guy held me.

00:15:47.000 And then we were up in the trees.

00:15:49.000 And then this guy pulled out a 9mm.

00:15:51.000 And he has everything.

00:15:52.000 And you're like, I thought we were talking about fishing or something.

00:15:56.000 And then he goes back to when I took a hot air balloon.

00:16:03.000 I bought a hot air balloon company.

00:16:04.000 A number of years ago, and I took this money that I got from this investment in mines, and I bought this company that takes hot air balloons up in the air.

00:16:13.000 It cost me like a quarter million to get the startup going.

00:16:14.000 You're like, what?

00:16:15.000 You make $10 an hour.

00:16:16.000 What are you talking about right now, man?

00:16:18.000 It's just story after story.

00:16:20.000 And then I start kind of like, I don't know what to believe, and then part of it's fun to believe.

00:16:26.000 And I start to think for a second, I'll stop and be like, are you an improvisational genius?

00:16:31.000 Are you like a brilliant improv guy right now?

00:16:33.000 Is that what's going on?

00:16:34.000 Am I getting played or something?

00:16:36.000 You're getting punked.

00:16:36.000 Yeah, but then there's something you see in the eyes where you're like, oh, I really think there's...

00:16:43.000 Maybe I'm talking to somebody who has a form of mental illness, and it's not the type that makes you go like, I don't know like maybe more scare or maybe like sillier like it's not he has all the intelligence and you can talk about like what should we eat now and you have a normal conversation about that and then it goes off into like 10 different storylines.

00:17:07.000 It's almost like it's not his fault.

00:17:09.000 Yeah, it's not.

00:17:10.000 It's not at that point.

00:17:11.000 I don't know how your brain works, man.

00:17:14.000 I don't.

00:17:15.000 I'm guessing.

00:17:16.000 I always guess.

00:17:17.000 When people act like, why the fuck did you do that?

00:17:20.000 I have to stop myself sometimes and go, I don't know how his brain works.

00:17:25.000 My brain would process the same scenario in a different way, but maybe his brain would handle some shit that I can't handle very well.

00:17:34.000 I don't know.

00:17:35.000 I don't know how you think.

00:17:36.000 But I know when I see someone who's just not...

00:17:39.000 We're not...

00:17:39.000 There's a missing connection there.

00:17:41.000 Like, I feel like this guy's like...

00:17:42.000 Yeah.

00:17:43.000 He's missing a whole piece.

00:17:44.000 Right.

00:17:44.000 Like, what's going on here?

00:17:45.000 Sometimes you can see it from the moment, right?

00:17:48.000 Like, there's some people who...

00:17:49.000 Oh, yeah.

00:17:50.000 Yeah.

00:17:50.000 At the moment, you're like...

00:17:51.000 But it's scarier when you have long, normal conversations before that, and then you're like, what?

00:17:58.000 Has this been there the whole time?

00:17:59.000 Yeah.

00:18:00.000 I've talked to people, and then 20 minutes into the conversation, you realize they're crazy.

00:18:06.000 Some people, it takes a little while.

00:18:08.000 Some people, it's like right away.

00:18:10.000 Those are the dangerous crazy.

00:18:11.000 Dangerous crazy have like sparks to them.

00:18:13.000 You just want to back away from them.

00:18:17.000 Dangerous crazy, they give off an odor.

00:18:19.000 You can't be dangerous crazy unless there's like a certain amount of danger to your odor.

00:18:23.000 You just feel weird.

00:18:25.000 You feel weird to be around.

00:18:25.000 Every dangerous dude I've ever known has this like intangible odor about them.

00:18:29.000 You know, you're just like, okay, let's get the fuck out of here.

00:18:33.000 You know, those dudes.

00:18:35.000 Smells like the cunt farm.

00:18:41.000 Yeah.

00:18:41.000 That's not dangerous.

00:18:42.000 Those are just silly people for the most part.

00:18:44.000 It's just fucked up.

00:18:45.000 I feel like that almost with super negative people, like people that it's not good for you to be around, you pick up on additional vibes from them.

00:18:56.000 Like just being around them.

00:18:58.000 Yeah, you don't know what it is, right?

00:18:59.000 It's not a smell.

00:19:00.000 It's not like they give off heat.

00:19:01.000 But if they leave, like, if you're just meeting them and they leave the room, and like, let's say you just brought somebody in, right when they leave, you're like, something's off with that guy.

00:19:12.000 Absolutely.

00:19:13.000 It's usually their eyes for me, because I always look people in the eyes for like a second.

00:19:17.000 You can see like the worriness or the friendliness.

00:19:19.000 Sometimes, yeah.

00:19:20.000 Or sometimes they just smell crazy.

00:19:23.000 I remember Brian Cowan had this chick once, and he brought her over.

00:19:28.000 And I mean, and I'm not bullshitting, within...

00:19:32.000 Three seconds of meeting her, I knew she was nuts.

00:19:35.000 Really?

00:19:35.000 Yeah, he brought her over and they introduced, you know, hey, this is Joe.

00:19:41.000 Joe, this is whatever her name was.

00:19:43.000 And I go, hi, nice to meet you.

00:19:45.000 She goes, hi.

00:19:46.000 And I go, come here for a second.

00:19:48.000 I go, that girl's fucking crazy.

00:19:50.000 I go, what are you doing?

00:19:51.000 He goes, what are you talking about?

00:19:52.000 I go, dude, that girl is fucking crazy.

00:19:55.000 I go, trust me, you got to get the fuck out of here.

00:19:58.000 That fast, you knew?

00:19:58.000 That fast!

00:19:59.000 I locked eyes with her, and it wasn't a nervousness.

00:20:03.000 People get nervous if they see people that have been on television sometimes.

00:20:06.000 But that goes away pretty quick once you start talking.

00:20:09.000 Usually they're weirded out, but you can see what the weirded out was.

00:20:12.000 This was like a crazy person.

00:20:18.000 I was like, what are you doing, Callan?

00:20:20.000 She wasn't bad looking.

00:20:21.000 She was a very attractive young lady.

00:20:23.000 But unfortunately, there was something wrong with her mind.

00:20:27.000 Years later, Brian was going into a bar, and he ran into her, and she was a streetwalker.

00:20:36.000 Wow.

00:20:37.000 A couple years later?

00:20:38.000 Yeah, it turned out she was cranked out on meth, and while he was with her, she was doing meth.

00:20:46.000 It took him a while to figure it out.

00:20:48.000 Like, exactly what the fuck was wrong with her, and he tried to fix her.

00:20:51.000 Oh, really?

00:20:52.000 He was doing that?

00:20:52.000 And then he gave up on that, and then, you know, he runs into her, and he's going to a bar, and she's a streetwalker.

00:20:58.000 He probably cut out the part where he slept with her again.

00:21:00.000 Just one last time.

00:21:03.000 Oh, my goodness.

00:21:05.000 You know he did.

00:21:06.000 Just one last time.

00:21:07.000 I had 20 bucks on me.

00:21:08.000 How recent are these scabs?

00:21:10.000 When's your last checkup?

00:21:12.000 I don't want to use a condom.

00:21:14.000 Come on, baby.

00:21:14.000 Not you.

00:21:15.000 Not you.

00:21:16.000 You're special to me.

00:21:17.000 You always use condoms.

00:21:18.000 Don't lie to me.

00:21:19.000 Every time.

00:21:20.000 Every time.

00:21:23.000 Yeah, she's a hooker, but she always uses condoms.

00:21:25.000 Don't worry, man.

00:21:26.000 She's a good girl, man.

00:21:27.000 Yeah, he said it was really super depressing.

00:21:29.000 But I smelled her.

00:21:30.000 I don't know what to describe it.

00:21:32.000 I mean, it would suck if I was wrong.

00:21:33.000 She was like the nicest person ever.

00:21:34.000 But I wasn't wrong.

00:21:36.000 That's exactly what I was warning him about.

00:21:37.000 Danger has a smell.

00:21:39.000 Danger has a smell.

00:21:39.000 It's a something.

00:21:40.000 It's a victorious...

00:21:47.000 Burt Kreischer and Joey Diaz, ladies and gentlemen, they are actually doing a podcast, a live podcast, which is the perfect spot for it right next door at the Ice House, and they're doing that at 8.30.

00:22:00.000 And is that going to be on Ustream or anything like that, or just on iTunes?

00:22:03.000 Yeah.

00:22:04.000 Just on iTunes, bitches.

00:22:06.000 Do you smell that?

00:22:06.000 You don't have to see it.

00:22:07.000 It smells crazy in here right now.

00:22:08.000 Yeah, it smells like...

00:22:09.000 Bert, did you...

00:22:10.000 What's that Victoria's Secrets perfume that all the strippers wear?

00:22:13.000 That's what I think crazy smells like.

00:22:14.000 Happy?

00:22:14.000 Yeah.

00:22:15.000 Bert doesn't wear cologne.

00:22:16.000 Is that what you're trying to say?

00:22:18.000 I saw a friend of mine's tweet the other day, like, oh, I gotta go shopping for cologne.

00:22:22.000 Ugh.

00:22:22.000 And I'm like, oh, no you don't.

00:22:24.000 No, you don't ever.

00:22:26.000 Watch out for puppies on the floor.

00:22:27.000 Powerful.

00:22:28.000 Is that your stripper dog?

00:22:29.000 Yeah.

00:22:30.000 Powerful Bird Kreischer.

00:22:31.000 You're just like those porn stars who just mind about their dogs.

00:22:37.000 Powerful Bird Kreischer.

00:22:40.000 Powerful Joey T. George St. Pierre podcast was fucking awesome.

00:22:44.000 Yeah, it was cool.

00:22:45.000 I wish he could have stayed longer than an hour.

00:22:49.000 You know, I mean, that's a long time for most people.

00:22:51.000 But he was super cool to talk to.

00:22:53.000 Really nice guy.

00:22:54.000 So what's the rap?

00:22:55.000 Is my mic on?

00:22:56.000 Yeah, it's on.

00:22:57.000 Does he really think he got abducted by aliens?

00:22:59.000 Yeah, he really thinks he got abducted by aliens.

00:23:01.000 Seriously?

00:23:02.000 Yeah, he thinks that it's possible that ever since he was a little boy, like he's been missing time, he misses time sometimes, and he thinks it's possible that they take him.

00:23:12.000 And he doesn't want to let that shit out.

00:23:13.000 He doesn't want to talk about it too much.

00:23:15.000 Because fucking Nick Diaz would get a hold of that fucking tariff.

00:23:18.000 Well, you know what, man?

00:23:19.000 He fights like a fucking alien.

00:23:22.000 Joe, did you read what it could be?

00:23:25.000 Somebody on your message board put a Wikipedia page where it said it could be five or six different things.

00:23:33.000 One thing, when we were talking about driving on the highway, that's actually a condition, like highway hypnotism.

00:23:38.000 Where you just get hypnotized by the highway, the constant motion.

00:23:44.000 Then it also said that some people say it's aliens, but I think you should just do the GoPro thing.

00:23:50.000 Just record yourself.

00:23:52.000 I tell you, what I saw in my eyeballs was not what was on this GoPro.

00:23:58.000 I tell you, I saw UFO, man.

00:24:01.000 I'm not fucking lying.

00:24:04.000 UFO, come down, man, and take me to another planet.

00:24:10.000 Fucking lying to you.

00:24:12.000 That's my best George St. Pierre.

00:24:13.000 It was pretty good at first.

00:24:14.000 Do you just roll with him when he says...

00:24:16.000 Are you like, that's cool, man?

00:24:17.000 Well, I don't know what the fuck's going on with him.

00:24:19.000 That might be true.

00:24:20.000 Imagine if it was true and I was mocking him.

00:24:23.000 You gotta deal with him and the aliens, man.

00:24:25.000 He had a really good point, man.

00:24:26.000 And it's a point I've heard before, but it's still a really good point.

00:24:29.000 He's like, imagine if you were a fish and you were in the ocean and you were living your life and all of a sudden...

00:24:36.000 A man come in with a hook and he pull you out of the water and you come back to tell your friend, like, look, I saw a person and there was a plane in the sky.

00:24:47.000 They'd be like, get the fuck out of here, you're crazy.

00:24:51.000 That was a really good point, too.

00:24:52.000 I was on the plane laughing hysterically.

00:24:55.000 Yeah, it's a very good point.

00:24:56.000 It's a very good point.

00:24:57.000 Yeah, it is.

00:24:58.000 Absolutely.

00:24:58.000 Because, look, the fact that we exist at all is insane.

00:25:03.000 People with cell phones, driving around in their cars, talking to another dude.

00:25:07.000 I do that all the time in my car.

00:25:09.000 I was talking to my friend Tommy.

00:25:10.000 He lives in Connecticut.

00:25:12.000 We're talking while I'm driving around.

00:25:14.000 Yeah.

00:25:14.000 And in real time.

00:25:15.000 Yeah.

00:25:16.000 And just taking it for granted.

00:25:17.000 Just completely taking it for granted.

00:25:19.000 We're crazy!

00:25:20.000 It's amazing.

00:25:20.000 Pulling fish out of the ocean with giant nets and shit.

00:25:24.000 And throwing all our shit water in there.

00:25:26.000 Get out of here.

00:25:27.000 Just dumping all our pollutants.

00:25:29.000 Apex predators.

00:25:30.000 We don't give a fuck.

00:25:31.000 We're gangster.

00:25:32.000 If there's water near us, it's no good.

00:25:34.000 Water in New York, there's no good water.

00:25:36.000 You can't drink any of that.

00:25:38.000 You can't grow fish in any of that.

00:25:39.000 All that water's polluted.

00:25:41.000 We're like, yeah, you know, it's the Hudson.

00:25:43.000 It's the way it is.

00:25:44.000 It's just the way it is.

00:25:45.000 These fucking animals just throwing glass and shit and piss and tampons and rubbers.

00:25:53.000 And bodies.

00:25:54.000 Bodies.

00:25:56.000 Fucking dead goldfish.

00:25:58.000 People from New York come over to the Jersey side on Sundays.

00:26:01.000 It's like a big day for them.

00:26:02.000 Like we're going to Jersey on fucking Sunday.

00:26:05.000 And they go over and they fish and they catch eel and they'll grill them.

00:26:08.000 What the fuck?

00:26:09.000 It's just an eel.

00:26:09.000 It's got meat on it.

00:26:10.000 Trust me, I eat an eel from the fucking Hudson.

00:26:12.000 That's why I ain't scared of nothing.

00:26:14.000 Cancer, they can suck my dick.

00:26:15.000 I eat an eel from the fucking Hudson.

00:26:17.000 Are you kidding me?

00:26:18.000 I remember we were in Jersey one time and me and Joe were on a bus headed to the UFC event and I showed him this pond and I said, look at cancer.

00:26:28.000 It was late cancer.

00:26:29.000 It was cancer.

00:26:30.000 This pond hadn't moved.

00:26:32.000 It had no movement.

00:26:33.000 It had a layer of this green algae, which really wasn't green.

00:26:36.000 That's just cancer, bro.

00:26:39.000 New Jersey, they've been dumping shit since the 70s.

00:26:43.000 Yeah.

00:26:43.000 Since the 60s, bro.

00:26:45.000 That's never going to be...

00:26:46.000 What's that word?

00:26:49.000 Reconcilable?

00:26:50.000 Reconcilable.

00:26:51.000 No, the other word, when you can't reverse it.

00:26:52.000 Irreconcilable.

00:26:53.000 You can never reverse those things.

00:26:57.000 That soil in New Jersey's gone.

00:26:59.000 We all took a shot of that girl.

00:27:01.000 That soil in New Jersey's gone.

00:27:05.000 You know, I remember when they built the Meadowlands.

00:27:07.000 I remember how many animals all of a sudden I had in my living room.

00:27:10.000 Because they tore all that down, that wildlife.

00:27:12.000 And next thing you know, I was seeing, I remember one night seeing a possum the size of a small pit bull that jumped on a fucking tree.

00:27:20.000 He jumped on a fucking tree.

00:27:22.000 He saw me.

00:27:23.000 He was like a possum, you know, like in Jersey.

00:27:25.000 They walk like a fucking ape, those things.

00:27:27.000 When you call the police in Jersey, I got a possum here, they shoot the fucking thing.

00:27:32.000 They shoot the fucking thing.

00:27:33.000 What does that tell you?

00:27:34.000 They don't shoot snakes.

00:27:35.000 They shoot the fucking possum.

00:27:37.000 Because they play dead.

00:27:38.000 And then when the cops leave, they fucking get up.

00:27:40.000 And they brush them.

00:27:41.000 You could run over a fucking car with them.

00:27:43.000 I would run over with bicycles and throw rocks at them.

00:27:46.000 They brush themselves off.

00:27:48.000 What a weird behavioral trait.

00:27:51.000 They play dead.

00:27:52.000 They fucking play dead.

00:27:53.000 That's where playing possum comes from.

00:27:54.000 Oh, I seen a fucking possum that looked at me one night at like 4 in the morning.

00:27:58.000 I looked at him.

00:27:59.000 I was like, what the fuck?

00:28:01.000 And he jumped on a tree and went...

00:28:04.000 He held onto the tree like a fucking ape in Africa.

00:28:09.000 And I was like, this is fucking mind-boggling.

00:28:12.000 I saw skunks that looked like fucking...

00:28:15.000 Like monsters.

00:28:17.000 You know, Meadowland...

00:28:18.000 What do you think those skunks...

00:28:19.000 Didn't they just...

00:28:20.000 We had this discussion on your show a year and a half ago about the Bronx.

00:28:24.000 They found a rat that was...

00:28:26.000 Just amazing.

00:28:27.000 Like it broke all records, the length of it, like two and a half feet.

00:28:30.000 Yeah, it was a type of, I think it's called a Zambian something rat.

00:28:33.000 Are you fucking kidding me?

00:28:34.000 It's not from America.

00:28:35.000 It's a pet.

00:28:36.000 Oh, how about...

00:28:37.000 And they've let, so many people have let these things go.

00:28:40.000 And like how Florida has the python problem, they have this rat problem.

00:28:44.000 It's an invasive species.

00:28:45.000 That's what it is.

00:28:46.000 We let go of one of those pythons in college.

00:28:48.000 Did you really?

00:28:48.000 Yeah, we're part of that.

00:28:49.000 Oh my god.

00:28:50.000 You went to school in Florida too.

00:28:52.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:28:53.000 Scariest fucking day of my life.

00:28:55.000 We're moving out of that apartment and I'm, you know, how you move out and you've got clothes everywhere and I'm just digging my hands in and my buddy comes in the room and he goes, oh, keep a lookout for my python!

00:29:04.000 No way.

00:29:04.000 And you're like, that's right.

00:29:05.000 We lost it in the middle of the year.

00:29:07.000 And it just was in our house.

00:29:10.000 Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

00:29:12.000 What do you mean we lost it?

00:29:14.000 Okay, we got broken into by these dudes.

00:29:17.000 And we had dogs.

00:29:18.000 Me and my buddy Hartley had dogs.

00:29:19.000 My buddy Cheese had a python.

00:29:20.000 He put both his dogs...

00:29:22.000 Cheese.

00:29:23.000 Cheese.

00:29:24.000 Cheese, we used to fucking torture this dude.

00:29:26.000 Really?

00:29:26.000 Fucking greased up his brakes and went mountain biking one time.

00:29:29.000 Oh my god.

00:29:31.000 But we forgot about it.

00:29:32.000 We greased his brakes up and he didn't go.

00:29:33.000 And then two weeks later we go and we forgot we had greased him.

00:29:35.000 She's died, man.

00:29:39.000 So, yeah, these guys broke into our house, and she put our dogs in our rooms, and they broke into the house, and they let the fucking snake out.

00:29:45.000 They fucking broke into the house, stole all her shit, and let her snake out.

00:29:48.000 So you're not totally responsible for it.

00:29:50.000 Somebody else let the snake out.

00:29:51.000 Yeah, I don't know.

00:29:53.000 Diaz, did you ever see a banana rat?

00:29:55.000 Wait a minute, how do you know they didn't just steal a snake?

00:29:58.000 Because she's like, I don't know if it's been in there or not.

00:30:00.000 The fucking lid was open.

00:30:01.000 They looked for it.

00:30:02.000 I don't know.

00:30:03.000 It probably ain't a loss.

00:30:04.000 What kind of assholes are allowed to buy snakes?

00:30:05.000 Any asshole like this.

00:30:06.000 Anyway.

00:30:07.000 Irresponsible.

00:30:08.000 Iquanas.

00:30:09.000 Savannah monitors.

00:30:10.000 I was into reptiles big time.

00:30:12.000 You got a pit bull.

00:30:13.000 I think that they should give.

00:30:14.000 You buy a pit bull, you need to take a GED. That's a prerequisite for it.

00:30:18.000 They're everywhere now.

00:30:19.000 They should definitely make you answer questions.

00:30:24.000 I've had them, and they're dangerous animals.

00:30:27.000 I'll go a step further and say I don't think single women in their 30s should be allowed to adopt dogs.

00:30:30.000 Why do you say that?

00:30:31.000 Because they have fucked up their life.

00:30:33.000 Now let's stop it there.

00:30:35.000 Let's cut it off there and not let them fuck up a dog too.

00:30:38.000 Have you ever seen a...

00:30:39.000 Look, I'm taking a stretch, and I know I'm saying something horrible.

00:30:42.000 Single women in their 30s?

00:30:42.000 Yes.

00:30:43.000 Like mid-30s, like 35, when they go, that's it, I'm comfortable with being single, now I'm going to get a rescue dog.

00:30:49.000 And then you go hiking, and that dog goes after your kids, because they don't...

00:30:52.000 Are you sure that they're really comfortable with being single?

00:30:56.000 It's probably hard to find a good dude, man.

00:30:58.000 Yeah, but have you never had those women that get the big dogs, and they're like, it's a rescue dog, this is my new project.

00:31:05.000 Yeah, I mean, they want some love.

00:31:06.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:31:08.000 And then they don't fucking discipline it, and they just let it go fucking bananas.

00:31:11.000 There's definitely people like that.

00:31:12.000 And you've got a psycho fucking dog.

00:31:13.000 And there's also, dogs get really protective of their owners, and if they sense that their owner might not be very dominant, maybe it doesn't have deep voice or something like that, the dog might be extra protective.

00:31:27.000 Was your pit bull dangerous?

00:31:28.000 Yeah.

00:31:29.000 I had pit bull encounters where one dog killed one of my other dogs.

00:31:35.000 What?

00:31:36.000 I came home in the middle of my living room.

00:31:38.000 One of my females killed my other female.

00:31:40.000 Oh my god!

00:31:41.000 Yeah, you can't have two female dogs together.

00:31:43.000 Female dogs, apparently, will always fight over dominance.

00:31:47.000 What?

00:31:48.000 Whereas a male and a female, they accept, like, who's the boss.

00:31:53.000 Usually the male just lets the female, like, thap!

00:31:55.000 Jesus, leave me alone.

00:31:56.000 And, like, female snapper jaws, and the male, like, sort of gives up.

00:32:00.000 But the females never give up.

00:32:03.000 They never give up the position.

00:32:04.000 They'll fight to the death.

00:32:06.000 They fight and then they give up and they figure out who wins and who loses.

00:32:10.000 But then the one who lost wants to go about it again.

00:32:13.000 And they did it a couple of times.

00:32:15.000 And I thought I had gotten them over it.

00:32:17.000 I separated them and I did all sorts of different things.

00:32:20.000 And then I started letting them be together again because I thought they had gotten over it.

00:32:24.000 Because I felt like maybe it was just some...

00:32:30.000 It's so normal for that breed to get into fights.

00:32:34.000 They're beautiful dogs with humans.

00:32:36.000 They're beautiful dogs with humans.

00:32:37.000 But with animals, they have this incredible kill drive.

00:32:42.000 It's like nothing I've ever seen.

00:32:43.000 My dog killed two cats.

00:32:45.000 He killed squirrels.

00:32:47.000 He killed anything dumb enough to get in his yard.

00:32:50.000 And he would kill lizards all day.

00:32:53.000 Like, we had these lizards that would run around.

00:32:54.000 And that was his video game.

00:32:56.000 He would just run around with his paws on the wall trying to get these lizards.

00:32:59.000 Just running around the perimeter of my house trying to get lizards.

00:33:02.000 And in hindsight, I look back and I'm like, what a crazy animal to have.

00:33:05.000 You've got a monster.

00:33:06.000 You've got a monster that loves to attack things.

00:33:09.000 But he was a very particular type of dog.

00:33:11.000 He was a hog dog.

00:33:14.000 From the Argentinian Mastiff.

00:33:15.000 No, no, no.

00:33:15.000 He was a pit bull.

00:33:16.000 Yeah, like the ones in Hawaii.

00:33:17.000 Well, he was from Hawaii.

00:33:18.000 Yeah.

00:33:18.000 He was from Hawaii.

00:33:19.000 And they breed them to be super animal aggressive.

00:33:23.000 Because they're breeding them for hog hunting.

00:33:25.000 And so they have longer ears.

00:33:27.000 And the ears pick up more of a scent.

00:33:29.000 And they're larger dogs.

00:33:30.000 He was crazy.

00:33:31.000 He was a beautiful dog, though.

00:33:32.000 He was awesome with people.

00:33:34.000 With people, he was the greatest thing ever.

00:33:35.000 He was awesome.

00:33:36.000 He was just an amazing buddy.

00:33:38.000 He was, like, super smart.

00:33:39.000 He always wanted to hang with you.

00:33:40.000 He always would be down to wrestle.

00:33:42.000 Like, I never felt in danger.

00:33:44.000 I used to do jiu-jitsu with him.

00:33:45.000 I'd take his back.

00:33:46.000 You know, I'd go, time to put the choker!

00:33:48.000 And he'd be like...

00:33:50.000 He would kiss me.

00:33:51.000 I love you too.

00:33:52.000 I would be choking him and he would kiss me.

00:33:54.000 He was a sweet, sweet, sweet dog with people.

00:33:57.000 But with animals.

00:33:59.000 So another dog came by?

00:34:00.000 He was not to be trusted.

00:34:02.000 It was the craziest thing.

00:34:03.000 It didn't have anything to do with socializing.

00:34:06.000 I socialized him with other dogs.

00:34:07.000 Right away he started fighting with other dogs.

00:34:09.000 One time he was a baby.

00:34:11.000 People yelled at me at a dog park when he was a baby.

00:34:14.000 He was like four months old.

00:34:15.000 He was trying to bite other dogs.

00:34:17.000 He was just gangster, like from the womb.

00:34:20.000 And I was a fool to try to control this animal as a pet.

00:34:23.000 You know, like my dog now, the big one, Johnny, he's the sweetest dog ever.

00:34:28.000 He's a sweetie.

00:34:30.000 Like my other dog that's a much smaller dog, the Shibu Inu Bulldog Mix, that dog tells him what's up.

00:34:36.000 And Johnny goes, alright, alright.

00:34:37.000 He's just like, relax, relax.

00:34:39.000 He just lets it all go by, you know.

00:34:41.000 So you think they're born with it, though?

00:34:43.000 Just like people?

00:34:43.000 It's how they're bred.

00:34:44.000 It's how they're bred.

00:34:45.000 Yeah, they encourage a certain type of animal aggression.

00:34:48.000 Aggression towards animals.

00:34:49.000 They encourage it.

00:34:50.000 They encourage fighting.

00:34:51.000 And it's been that way for thousands of years.

00:34:53.000 And the cruel aspect of the dog fighting, though, is what makes amazing dogs.

00:34:59.000 Because the ones that survived through that horrible ordeal, the genetics that were passed on, because the dogs that quit and the dogs that cowed and backed away from a fight were killed.

00:35:11.000 Right.

00:35:11.000 They were all killed.

00:35:12.000 That sounds horrible to us because we love our dogs.

00:35:15.000 Sure.

00:35:15.000 But they weren't looking at dogs like that.

00:35:18.000 They were looking at dogs as a way to make money.

00:35:20.000 And the way to make money...

00:35:21.000 I mean, you're talking about like this probably went on...

00:35:25.000 From maybe the turn of the century on.

00:35:27.000 I mean, it's probably something that's been going on even before that, if you could really get into the history of it.

00:35:31.000 But they bred dogs specifically for fighting.

00:35:35.000 They bred them specifically for that.

00:35:37.000 They had them on chains.

00:35:38.000 There's a dude that I know that was a famous pool player.

00:35:40.000 He used to keep 35 pit bulls.

00:35:43.000 He was this pro pool player.

00:35:44.000 35 pit bulls at his house.

00:35:46.000 They weren't his pets.

00:35:47.000 They were fighting dogs.

00:35:48.000 Crazy, man.

00:35:49.000 Yeah, craziness, man.

00:35:51.000 I think Big Boy from OutKast used to do that.

00:35:53.000 Dude, that's a big part of the culture for a lot of those guys.

00:35:56.000 He bred those dogs.

00:35:57.000 And he bred the bully ones that are stocky.

00:36:01.000 He bred those?

00:36:02.000 Oh, you never went to his website and looked at them?

00:36:04.000 They're expensive.

00:36:05.000 Do you know Big Boy's website well?

00:36:07.000 In the world of fighting dogs, this is where it gets really squirrely, because it's not like I'm trying to glorify this world and give it morals or anything like that, but the reality is in the fighting dog world, you're not supposed to sell the puppies.

00:36:21.000 They're called puppy peddlers, and they're looked down upon.

00:36:24.000 You're only supposed to let your dog breed with really respectable breeds, so you're going to make some crazy killer dog.

00:36:30.000 And men will loan out their dog, and you see the lineage written down, like Rough Riders, Bronco, and Saddle Stables, Sheila E. And that's the dog's precedence, and they all know the championship bloodlines.

00:36:46.000 It's totally illegal to have dogfighting, but the shit has been documented very thoroughly.

00:36:54.000 We're good to go.

00:37:14.000 It's been a part of human history forever, but it's like in the shadows, in the darkness of our world.

00:37:21.000 And we don't want to admit that in 2000 and whatever it was, 9 or whenever when he got busted.

00:37:27.000 What year was that?

00:37:29.000 2009?

00:37:33.000 Yeah, we never want to think that a guy who's capable of such great heights as being like this massively successful football player could also be capable of such an insane cruelty.

00:37:45.000 It's so insane.

00:37:45.000 I gotta tell you, I love dogs.

00:37:47.000 Like, I mean, you know, you guys all did me huge solid doing the fundraiser for the dog last week, and I love dogs.

00:37:54.000 But I also have a problem with people who don't let somebody like him serve his time and then get another shot.

00:38:05.000 Like, earning a living again.

00:38:06.000 Because a lot of people, rightfully, were critical of what he did.

00:38:10.000 Right.

00:38:11.000 But, you know, he lost his name.

00:38:13.000 He lost hundreds of millions of dollars.

00:38:16.000 Probably, right?

00:38:18.000 Absolutely.

00:38:19.000 His contract was about the biggest at the time.

00:38:21.000 He had crazy endorsements.

00:38:23.000 He went to prison, which is what...

00:38:25.000 The punishment was he did it.

00:38:27.000 He went to prison.

00:38:28.000 Yeah, he did his time.

00:38:28.000 And then a lot of people were really upset that he even has a chance to...

00:38:32.000 Make a living.

00:38:32.000 Right, but it's like he paid the...

00:38:35.000 Well, how undeniable is his fucking talent?

00:38:38.000 The NFL's like, you know what?

00:38:39.000 Come on back.

00:38:40.000 Come on back.

00:38:41.000 You know why?

00:38:42.000 Because if they don't do it, someone else is going to do it.

00:38:45.000 Someone's going to grab that guy.

00:38:46.000 It really wouldn't be any other way to play football.

00:38:49.000 I mean, that's kind of a...

00:38:50.000 I mean, there's the NFL and basically that's it.

00:38:52.000 That's it.

00:38:53.000 The B League is not really a league in football.

00:38:58.000 Black football, what is it?

00:39:00.000 Stadium.

00:39:00.000 Arena.

00:39:01.000 There's arena.

00:39:02.000 I played that for a day.

00:39:06.000 Those dudes.

00:39:08.000 I don't know if they drugged us.

00:39:09.000 I mean, it's just fucking brutal.

00:39:11.000 It's brutal.

00:39:12.000 It's like being in the yard.

00:39:13.000 Canadian football has some good athletes, for sure.

00:39:16.000 Good players.

00:39:16.000 But NFL is definitely the top of the line.

00:39:18.000 And he was a bad motherfucker.

00:39:20.000 Didn't Doug Flutie go to Canada first and play up there for a while before he came down to America?

00:39:24.000 He was the hero.

00:39:25.000 When I was in high school, Doug Flutie was like, I think I was in high school and he was in college.

00:39:30.000 He was the hero.

00:39:33.000 That's right.

00:39:34.000 And then there was the USFL. He was very famous in Boston.

00:39:37.000 He was, right?

00:39:38.000 Yeah, Flutie was super famous.

00:39:39.000 Have you seen the 30 for 30 who killed the USFL? Yes.

00:39:42.000 Fucking great.

00:39:44.000 Donald Trump ruined that shit.

00:39:46.000 Just ruined it.

00:39:47.000 He did.

00:39:48.000 All those are amazing.

00:39:50.000 That's the best programming ESPN or basically any cable network.

00:39:54.000 30 for 30. 30 for 30 documentaries.

00:39:56.000 What are they?

00:39:57.000 Stories that'll fucking kill you.

00:39:59.000 The concept came up last year.

00:40:02.000 It was the 30th anniversary.

00:40:03.000 Billy Corbin did the first one.

00:40:05.000 That was about the U, right?

00:40:06.000 Billy Corbin.

00:40:10.000 He's the guy who did...

00:40:12.000 Cocaine Cowboy.

00:40:13.000 He also did Broke.

00:40:15.000 Yeah, Broke.

00:40:15.000 He did fucking Broke, which is amazing.

00:40:18.000 He's a cool fucking guy, too.

00:40:19.000 He came down to the Fort Lauderdale Improv and hung out.

00:40:23.000 Yeah.

00:40:23.000 Cooking Cowboys is fucking amazing, too.

00:40:25.000 The U of M one, though.

00:40:26.000 The U? Yeah.

00:40:27.000 The U, when he shows all the fucking Michael Irvin and those guys in front of clubs, and he goes, the Miami Dolphins used to ask the college guys to get them into the clubs.

00:40:36.000 Yeah.

00:40:36.000 Oh, my God.

00:40:36.000 That's how insane it was.

00:40:37.000 If you watch the trailer to the U, you'll go like, fuck, this is the greatest thing.

00:40:41.000 What the fuck?

00:40:42.000 I went to Florida State.

00:40:43.000 We hated them, and I fucking saw it.

00:40:45.000 I was like, yeah!

00:40:45.000 It was a bunch of black gangsters with a white coat that told them, go out and be black gangsters, motherfuckers.

00:40:51.000 Whoa.

00:40:52.000 Whoa!

00:40:53.000 When does a white guy go?

00:40:55.000 The blacker the better.

00:40:56.000 The blacker the better.

00:40:58.000 I want you to bring it back.

00:40:59.000 I want high fives.

00:41:01.000 I want fucking chains out there.

00:41:02.000 High fives!

00:41:03.000 I want everything.

00:41:04.000 I want you to talk.

00:41:05.000 Fuck not celebrating.

00:41:06.000 I want everything.

00:41:07.000 I want you to fuck.

00:41:08.000 Fuckin' humiliate these motherfuckers!

00:41:10.000 And then the guy from Two Life Crew came on with his hoes.

00:41:13.000 He had a fuckin' VIP bag.

00:41:14.000 Uncle Luke!

00:41:15.000 And they would come out to sweep me at home.

00:41:17.000 Hit my dick, I'm hard.

00:41:19.000 And those bitches knew what time it was.

00:41:21.000 And that's all...

00:41:22.000 Listen, there's two things that drive black people to different levels.

00:41:25.000 That's when they hear Two Life Crew and when they go to Red Lobster.

00:41:29.000 Black people lose their minds at Red Lobster.

00:41:32.000 Fuck Popeyes on Tuesday.

00:41:34.000 You go to Sacramento Red Lobster on Friday at about 4.30 when they blow the whistle.

00:41:39.000 Beep, beep, beep, blow the whistle.

00:41:41.000 Them sisters, they weigh 300 with the heels.

00:41:44.000 What are you showing over there?

00:41:45.000 That's the trailer.

00:41:46.000 For what?

00:41:47.000 Yeah.

00:41:48.000 Oh, that's the documentary?

00:41:50.000 I don't know if that's the one for the U. Warren Sapp, he did Birth to Conquer with me.

00:41:56.000 Well, I gotta remember this and write this down.

00:41:58.000 Yeah, that motherfucker was giving out blood tests.

00:42:00.000 He was coming out positive and giving somebody else's.

00:42:03.000 This guy, they were smoking dope all the way to the NFL. Isn't it interesting that when you have football players and basketball players, they make rules on how they're allowed to celebrate.

00:42:14.000 Yeah.

00:42:14.000 Especially like the football thing.

00:42:16.000 Like you're not allowed to dance after you score a touchdown.

00:42:20.000 It's 100% because of black people.

00:42:22.000 Yeah, and they're like, dude, you blacked it up plenty, so let's dial it back.

00:42:26.000 It really is.

00:42:27.000 This is a white man probably in Georgia, probably quite old, with a cigar, with a white suit.

00:42:32.000 It's not a coincidence.

00:42:33.000 I love when people in the UFC go, well, the greatest trash talk is Chael Southern.

00:42:37.000 Listen, stupid.

00:42:39.000 There was a guy named Dexter the Molester.

00:42:41.000 Remember?

00:42:42.000 Dexter Manley?

00:42:42.000 No, no, no, no.

00:42:44.000 The defensive back.

00:42:45.000 The defensive back that used to fucking screw Glazy Glue all over himself.

00:42:49.000 Oh, oh, oh, oh.

00:42:50.000 I know who you're talking about.

00:42:51.000 You know who he is?

00:42:52.000 You know who he is?

00:42:52.000 The guy who used to stick him.

00:42:55.000 For the readers.

00:42:56.000 And he had a stutter.

00:42:57.000 He had a stutter.

00:42:58.000 What?

00:42:59.000 He'd been brunt up with balls on his shoulder.

00:43:01.000 Because he'd been sprayed with Lester.

00:43:03.000 Lester and Molester would get in your ass, dog.

00:43:05.000 And just be up on you.

00:43:07.000 What?

00:43:12.000 There's a rule.

00:43:13.000 I gotta touch you five feet from the line of scrimmage.

00:43:15.000 He was banging you right from the line.

00:43:17.000 He come right up on your spitter.

00:43:19.000 What now?

00:43:20.000 What?

00:43:21.000 What?

00:43:22.000 What was that guy's name, Tom?

00:43:23.000 Lester Hayes.

00:43:24.000 Lester Hayes.

00:43:25.000 Lester the Molester.

00:43:26.000 Lester the Molester.

00:43:27.000 Lester the Molester.

00:43:28.000 Defensive backs.

00:43:29.000 Listen, Ronnie Lott.

00:43:30.000 Tell Joe Rogan about Ronnie Lott.

00:43:32.000 They told him he couldn't play in the game.

00:43:33.000 So they cut his finger off during the game.

00:43:36.000 Who the fuck gets his finger cut off during the game?

00:43:38.000 He had caught his finger...

00:43:40.000 On a helmet.

00:43:41.000 He was like a cannonball.

00:43:42.000 A cannonball.

00:43:43.000 He would just run and just total disregard for body.

00:43:47.000 Right.

00:43:47.000 And this is before good helmets.

00:43:50.000 And he would just annihilate people.

00:43:53.000 Oh my god.

00:43:53.000 He was the assassin.

00:43:55.000 And he got his helmet caught.

00:43:57.000 His finger.

00:43:57.000 His finger caught in a helmet.

00:43:59.000 Pinky.

00:43:59.000 And they went to the locker room and they were like, all right, well, you know, we're going to need these.

00:44:05.000 You're going to have to put like five stitches or whatever, 20 stitches in your finger.

00:44:09.000 He was like, no, I want to go back out there.

00:44:10.000 And they were like, well, you'll...

00:44:11.000 We'd have to cut off your finger for you to go back out there.

00:44:13.000 He was like, do it.

00:44:14.000 Do it, though.

00:44:15.000 So just cut it off.

00:44:16.000 Half time!

00:44:17.000 Half time!

00:44:18.000 They could've fixed it?

00:44:19.000 They could've fixed it, but he wouldn't be able to play the rest of the game.

00:44:22.000 He could've played that day.

00:44:22.000 So he said, cut the fucking finger.

00:44:23.000 It was already halfway through the game.

00:44:23.000 It was like a playoff and shit.

00:44:25.000 How much of the finger?

00:44:26.000 Just like, so there's no, you don't see the nail.

00:44:29.000 Maybe that was an annoying part of his whole masturbation ritual, and he was secretly hoping to chew it away anyway.

00:44:35.000 I'll see you in 15 minutes.

00:44:36.000 Okay.

00:44:36.000 What am I coming in, Joey?

00:44:38.000 So right next door, you'll be able to get that on the Church of What's Happening Now, right?

00:44:43.000 Joey?

00:44:44.000 On iTunes, they'll be able to get yours with Bert, Church of What's Happening Now?

00:44:48.000 Yeah.

00:44:49.000 Yeah, it's on iTunes.

00:44:51.000 I was drunk.

00:44:51.000 One of the greatest storytellers the world has ever known.

00:44:54.000 What?

00:44:54.000 He called me when I was in New York and I was drunk.

00:44:56.000 I don't know what we're doing.

00:44:57.000 I didn't know if you were doing a stand-up show or a podcast.

00:44:59.000 Oh, you're doing a live podcast.

00:45:01.000 But then you're going to do our stand-up show.

00:45:02.000 Yeah, yeah, then I'm doing that, yeah.

00:45:04.000 But why'd you say, oh fuck?

00:45:05.000 I don't like live podcasts.

00:45:06.000 Well, it's an interesting one because it's a small room.

00:45:08.000 It's only like 50 people.

00:45:09.000 I'm just going to sit there and giggle my fucking ass off at Joey.

00:45:12.000 You know what he said to me today?

00:45:13.000 We're driving in the car and he goes, and we're talking about health.

00:45:16.000 And he goes, ah dog, I went to the doctor today.

00:45:18.000 I dropped my pants and the doctor looked up at me and he goes, hey, you know you've got toilet paper on your dick.

00:45:26.000 He said that.

00:45:28.000 Joey just passed through it and I was laughing so fucking hard I couldn't listen to the rest of the story.

00:45:33.000 I go, Joey, why was there toilet paper on the end of your dick?

00:45:36.000 He goes, I had to wipe the helmet before I went in there.

00:45:39.000 I had to dab the helmet.

00:45:41.000 I didn't notice a little piece of toilet paper hanging off the end of the day.

00:45:45.000 My dick sneezed a little.

00:45:46.000 You know the answer, as Joey Diaz.

00:45:48.000 Hey Joey, what's your first pee of the day smell like?

00:45:53.000 Like Listerine and gunpowder.

00:45:55.000 Like it got shot out of an alien's asshole.

00:45:59.000 It looks like...

00:46:00.000 You know how your piss looks when you take too many vitamins?

00:46:06.000 I've got an answer to that.

00:46:07.000 Oh my god.

00:46:09.000 Was it on your podcast that I was on that he said, you know, black people eat to talk?

00:46:16.000 Oh, yes!

00:46:19.000 Black people sleep to talk?

00:46:21.000 No, eat to talk.

00:46:22.000 No, it was resting.

00:46:23.000 The only reason black people rest is so they can talk.

00:46:25.000 Oh, rest to talk.

00:46:26.000 Rest to talk, yeah.

00:46:30.000 What the fuck does that even mean?

00:46:33.000 Why did you let him do that to your dad?

00:46:35.000 You were there.

00:46:36.000 No, I wasn't there.

00:46:37.000 Oh my god, it just happened so quickly.

00:46:38.000 Did your dad ask for them?

00:46:40.000 No, Joey cracked them open.

00:46:41.000 He's a grown-ass man if he wanted one.

00:46:42.000 He cracked them open and he goes, here you go, Mr. K. And just dumped some in my dad's hand.

00:46:46.000 And my dad goes, what is it?

00:46:47.000 And he goes, candy.

00:46:47.000 It's popcorn.

00:46:48.000 You'll like it.

00:46:49.000 My dad won't sit down.

00:46:50.000 My dad won't sit down.

00:46:51.000 I go, dad, there's marijuana in there.

00:46:53.000 And he goes, no, buddy.

00:46:54.000 It's good.

00:46:56.000 And I go, Dad.

00:46:57.000 And then Joey's laughing fucking hysterically.

00:47:00.000 I'm like, what are we going to do about this?

00:47:02.000 My sisters lost their fucking mind.

00:47:04.000 Everyone's like, oh my God.

00:47:05.000 And so, yeah.

00:47:06.000 But my dad was fine.

00:47:07.000 You can't do that.

00:47:08.000 The photos are amazing.

00:47:10.000 The photo is amazing.

00:47:11.000 You can't do that, right?

00:47:12.000 I don't agree with doing that at all.

00:47:14.000 I did it to my own dad.

00:47:15.000 Remember?

00:47:16.000 Yeah.

00:47:16.000 But that's your dad.

00:47:17.000 That's your dad.

00:47:19.000 Now, my dad would never say that he took it knowingly.

00:47:22.000 In my head, I'm like, there's no way Joey slipped it to him.

00:47:26.000 He must have said something.

00:47:28.000 Maybe your dad didn't know what the fuck Joey said.

00:47:32.000 And he's like, yeah, sure.

00:47:34.000 Sure, buddy.

00:47:35.000 Probably his brain blacked out.

00:47:36.000 You want to get high with me, mister?

00:47:37.000 Come on.

00:47:39.000 Mr. K. My dad's such a question.

00:47:41.000 Come on, cocksucker.

00:47:42.000 What are we doing?

00:47:43.000 We're playing games?

00:47:43.000 Are we going deep?

00:47:44.000 I'm going deep.

00:47:45.000 You going deep with me?

00:47:46.000 And your dad's like, I'll go deep with you.

00:47:47.000 I'll go deep, yeah.

00:47:49.000 That's exactly what happens.

00:47:52.000 A handful of pot cookies and he's wolfing down.

00:47:54.000 He heard two of seven words and one was like, cookie.

00:47:58.000 Yeah, I'm a cookie.

00:48:00.000 How many times is when someone's talking to you and you're not even paying attention because you're thinking about something else and you're giving them a small percentage and you're trying to figure something out and you go, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, what?

00:48:09.000 Or like taxi drivers, you know, you just hear the main words.

00:48:13.000 Many, many times I've been distracted.

00:48:14.000 My dad is the king of that, and I know when he's playing chess, I'll be like, what's up man?

00:48:19.000 He's like...

00:48:20.000 Yeah, I was doing shows.

00:48:24.000 Yeah, man.

00:48:25.000 And he's in front of the computer playing chess?

00:48:27.000 Yeah, and I can tell he's like, hold on a second, hold on a second.

00:48:29.000 I'm like, alright.

00:48:29.000 He's like, so, what's going on?

00:48:33.000 I could be like, I robbed a bank today.

00:48:34.000 And he's like, wow, wow.

00:48:37.000 That's neat, buddy.

00:48:38.000 I'm like, you know what the fuck I'm saying right now?

00:48:41.000 And I go, what is it?

00:48:42.000 Fucking Rook Tonight something?

00:48:43.000 And he's like...

00:48:44.000 Yeah, play chess.

00:48:45.000 I know, man!

00:48:46.000 Is this on the phone?

00:48:47.000 This is on the phone, yeah.

00:48:48.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

00:48:49.000 Call me back.

00:48:50.000 That's so fucking whack.

00:48:51.000 You know Travel Channel Green?

00:48:53.000 They said they would pay for us if we want to do an adventure.

00:48:56.000 If they can air it.

00:48:58.000 They're like, if you guys want to do anything, we'll fucking pay for it.

00:49:01.000 What do you mean?

00:49:02.000 I was sitting there.

00:49:03.000 We were talking.

00:49:03.000 We were just having dinner.

00:49:05.000 And they were asking questions.

00:49:07.000 They were just kind of getting hip to the podcast scene.

00:49:09.000 And they were asking questions about...

00:49:11.000 They're like, what is Death Squad?

00:49:12.000 And I was kind of...

00:49:13.000 Don't tell them.

00:49:14.000 It's really ridiculous to try to explain.

00:49:16.000 You got to go...

00:49:17.000 Yeah.

00:49:17.000 I was like, if you don't know, you don't know.

00:49:19.000 If you don't know, you don't know.

00:49:20.000 And then they were like...

00:49:20.000 So these are all your buddies?

00:49:22.000 And they're like, yeah.

00:49:23.000 Do you ever want to do anything with them?

00:49:25.000 Like...

00:49:25.000 And I jokingly said, I said, yeah, we kind of...

00:49:28.000 I just said this, because Duncan had said it one time.

00:49:31.000 I go, we kind of want to take dugout canoes into the rainforest and see if we can find ayahuasca.

00:49:35.000 With our dads?

00:49:36.000 No, just us.

00:49:37.000 Just us.

00:49:37.000 And so then...

00:49:38.000 So we were talking about dads.

00:49:39.000 No, no, no.

00:49:40.000 I don't know why.

00:49:41.000 You know what?

00:49:42.000 How'd you get there?

00:49:42.000 I have no fucking idea how my brain works.

00:49:44.000 This motherfucker just took us on an unrelated journey.

00:49:46.000 I was thinking we should do a show where we all take our dads and go do shit.

00:49:50.000 And then in my head I was like, oh, I have a better idea.

00:49:53.000 You know what's fucked up?

00:49:53.000 He was actually talking about people that do that very thing earlier on the podcast.

00:49:58.000 But in a very negative way.

00:49:59.000 In a very negative way.

00:50:00.000 It was about liars.

00:50:02.000 It was about how liars...

00:50:04.000 Not, not, not meaning that at all.

00:50:07.000 No, that's fine.

00:50:08.000 What he was talking about was about how, you know how some guys were going, so what do you guys want to go see the movies?

00:50:14.000 Wouldn't believe this, man, but I'm about to start a billion dollar a year business.

00:50:18.000 Yeah.

00:50:18.000 Kind of crazy, but we're taking this from the ground floor, and Tommy was like, but you You make $10 now?

00:50:24.000 What the fuck are you talking about, man?

00:50:25.000 Well, you know, once we get the startup money, which is basically guaranteed...

00:50:30.000 Yeah, I got a couple of investors.

00:50:31.000 I got an Italian investor, and I got one in Czech Republic.

00:50:34.000 And you're like, we were talking about what movie to go to see.

00:50:37.000 How the fuck did we get here?

00:50:38.000 Yeah.

00:50:38.000 That's what you kind of did.

00:50:39.000 I just did that.

00:50:40.000 You did that.

00:50:40.000 I did that actually almost exactly like that, too.

00:50:43.000 I was trying to think.

00:50:44.000 I was like, my dad doesn't want to be on TV. I was like, I don't know where he's going with this.

00:50:50.000 My brain does not.

00:50:52.000 He's like a normal guy.

00:50:54.000 He doesn't want to be on TV at all.

00:50:55.000 My dad will be on TV. You're saying that?

00:50:57.000 I think your dad would enjoy it.

00:50:58.000 My dad is hilarious.

00:50:59.000 Your dad is a fascinating guy.

00:51:01.000 My dad's a very nice guy.

00:51:03.000 He would be very polite and friendly with everybody.

00:51:06.000 My dad would love to do this.

00:51:08.000 Let's do a dad show then.

00:51:09.000 Let's take it back.

00:51:12.000 No, there's no way.

00:51:13.000 He would never do it.

00:51:14.000 No.

00:51:15.000 He has zero desire to be famous.

00:51:16.000 Can we cast a dad for you?

00:51:18.000 Yeah, you can give me like a black guy.

00:51:19.000 I want a black guy.

00:51:20.000 This is Joe's dad?

00:51:21.000 Yeah.

00:51:22.000 A black guy who's only a couple years older than me.

00:51:26.000 Do I have to go?

00:51:27.000 Like four years old?

00:51:28.000 Bernard Hopkins.

00:51:31.000 Like Bernard Hopkins plays my dad and no one even mentions it.

00:51:35.000 The whole time.

00:51:36.000 And Bernard Hopkins refuses to admit it's him playing it on the show and afterwards in every interview I don't know what the fuck you're talking about that's not me but it is him.

00:51:47.000 We take Bernard Hopkins, we go fishing with him, I call him dad.

00:51:50.000 But you have to listen to him at some point.

00:51:52.000 Would he have good stories to tell us?

00:51:52.000 I have to listen to him.

00:51:53.000 He tells me whatever, you know, I'm listening.

00:51:55.000 He's my dad.

00:51:56.000 It's like, and he has to bring back childhood memories?

00:51:58.000 It's like when Joe was a kid and he first learned how to ride a bike.

00:52:01.000 That's what I wanted to do.

00:52:02.000 Like, Joe, I remember when I took Joe to the Holiday Inn.

00:52:05.000 You remember that, Joe?

00:52:06.000 He started making some shit about me.

00:52:08.000 This motherfucker's lying in his bed playing with chimpanzee dolls.

00:52:12.000 Bernard Hopkins owns the right to the title, I am the machine.

00:52:16.000 What?

00:52:17.000 I know.

00:52:18.000 Maybe that might be it.

00:52:19.000 I'll be right.

00:52:20.000 I don't know.

00:52:21.000 Alright, I'm going to go to Joey Blackcast.

00:52:24.000 Get out of here, you fuck.

00:52:26.000 I'll be back.

00:52:26.000 You've tarnished your reputation indelibly.

00:52:29.000 Son of a word.

00:52:30.000 Later, brother.

00:52:30.000 We'll see you in a bit.

00:52:31.000 Burt Kreischer will be joining us tonight.

00:52:34.000 The sold-out Ice House Comedy Club show.

00:52:37.000 Along with this man that I'm talking to right now, Tom Segura.

00:52:40.000 That was so exactly what we...

00:52:42.000 And I wasn't thinking of him at all, but it was fucking perfect.

00:52:47.000 It was perfect.

00:52:48.000 Sort of, you know, but it wasn't...

00:52:50.000 No, he wasn't.

00:52:50.000 He's not a crazy person.

00:52:51.000 No.

00:52:52.000 But he does make me think what we were talking about, which is like...

00:52:56.000 A lot of times I go, how does fucking Bert's brain work?

00:53:00.000 I think that all the time.

00:53:01.000 Oh yeah.

00:53:01.000 How did he get there?

00:53:03.000 Which you do when you're sitting around.

00:53:05.000 He's not even high though.

00:53:06.000 He didn't even get high.

00:53:07.000 No.

00:53:08.000 So he's got no goddamn excuse.

00:53:09.000 He just showed up and I just didn't know where he was going with the dad thing.

00:53:13.000 I was like, hmm.

00:53:14.000 Dance on vacation?

00:53:16.000 Adventure?

00:53:17.000 Ayahuasca?

00:53:17.000 But somehow those things do connect in his brain.

00:53:20.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:53:21.000 I don't think so.

00:53:22.000 I think he was just waiting for an opportunity to talk about doing another thing together.

00:53:25.000 I think it was more of that.

00:53:27.000 I do want to go canoeing really bad.

00:53:30.000 Do you guys ever used to go canoeing?

00:53:32.000 Meanwhile, middle of the night, the fucking forest is on fire because Brian left behind one lit cigarette.

00:53:37.000 Yeah, I don't want to go canoeing with you.

00:53:39.000 We're going to die up there in a river.

00:53:40.000 Wait, what happened?

00:53:41.000 You spiked your dad?

00:53:44.000 You didn't finish that.

00:53:45.000 When did you do that to your dad?

00:53:46.000 Well, you told them you were doing it though, right?

00:53:48.000 Didn't you?

00:53:50.000 I mean, sure you did.

00:53:53.000 Well, you brought it up!

00:53:55.000 I just remembered.

00:53:57.000 Joe gave me this big bottle of pop soda that was made out of marijuana.

00:54:04.000 I had it in my fridge for a while and me and my fiancee at the time We were all recording ourselves because my dad was in town for the night.

00:54:13.000 And I think I put the camera down and then...

00:54:16.000 He's like, oh, I want to have some of this wine or champagne or whatever.

00:54:19.000 And I'm like, that's not champagne.

00:54:20.000 Okay, yeah, you can drink that.

00:54:22.000 And then I just let him drink it.

00:54:24.000 And then within a half hour or so, he just became so giggly and just laughing.

00:54:30.000 And it was really actually one of the coolest things ever.

00:54:33.000 Did he freak out at all?

00:54:34.000 No, not at all.

00:54:35.000 He was just almost like a happy drunk buzz.

00:54:38.000 Wow, that's great.

00:54:38.000 Where he was just kind of giggling and laughing.

00:54:40.000 Did you ever tell him what happened?

00:54:42.000 No.

00:54:42.000 Never?

00:54:42.000 He probably knows now.

00:54:43.000 But you should tell him because he would enjoy it.

00:54:46.000 Yeah.

00:54:46.000 You know?

00:54:47.000 I mean, maybe it'd be one of those things that he discovers late in life, like, wow, this makes life so much more enjoyable.

00:54:53.000 But you'd have to get it to him in that form, though.

00:54:55.000 Right.

00:54:55.000 That's the coolest form.

00:54:57.000 The edible form is the best form, I think.

00:55:00.000 The effects.

00:55:01.000 I like it the most.

00:55:02.000 Oh, shit.

00:55:02.000 Sorry.

00:55:03.000 As long as it's mild.

00:55:04.000 Yeah.

00:55:04.000 As long as it's not, like, super strong.

00:55:06.000 The effects are, like, really pleasant.

00:55:08.000 Super strong can break you.

00:55:10.000 Super strong is not good.

00:55:11.000 That's a terrible feeling.

00:55:12.000 It's like, oh, I'm just trying to relax and get through this day.

00:55:15.000 I don't need to be contemplating the fate of the fucking galaxy.

00:55:18.000 Do you liken super strong to psychedelic?

00:55:21.000 Is that what happens?

00:55:22.000 Yes, very much so.

00:55:24.000 In fact, in a lot of the ancient Hindu writings, a lot of what they talked about...

00:55:29.000 Really extreme psychedelic experiences that they talked about were all from eating hash.

00:55:36.000 Really?

00:55:36.000 Yeah.

00:55:37.000 Eating cannabis, if you eat enough of it, you can have an experience that is every bit as strong as mushrooms.

00:55:44.000 Really?

00:55:44.000 Yeah.

00:55:45.000 You just have to eat a lot of it.

00:55:46.000 I've been moved to tears a few times.

00:55:49.000 I've had experiences in the tank, eating pot, that...

00:55:54.000 Are like a fucking ride in a movie.

00:55:58.000 Like an experience that you wouldn't believe.

00:56:00.000 If you didn't see it with your own synapses, if you weren't going through it, it seems impossible.

00:56:07.000 It's all just eating pot.

00:56:08.000 Eating pot and getting into a tank.

00:56:10.000 A tank filled with water.

00:56:14.000 But you have to eat that, you gotta get to that critical level where you feel like you eat too much.

00:56:18.000 That's where you gotta get.

00:56:19.000 You gotta get to that feeling where you're like, I fucked up.

00:56:22.000 I fucked up.

00:56:23.000 And that's when you can close your eyes and see nutty shit.

00:56:26.000 Like, how much are you talking about?

00:56:27.000 Well, you see it in the dark.

00:56:29.000 See, that's when you see it.

00:56:30.000 Like, you don't see it if you open your eyes.

00:56:32.000 If you open your eyes, you're not gonna hallucinate.

00:56:34.000 It's not like it's gonna misinterpret visual cues and real information.

00:56:38.000 But what it will do is supercharge your imagination to the point where it can't deal with a blank slate.

00:56:44.000 Yeah.

00:56:44.000 So when you eat the pot, you either close your eyes.

00:56:48.000 I've had this happen on planes before, where I ate a cookie before I got to the airport, and then while I'm on the plane, you're tripping your balls off.

00:56:56.000 When you close your eyes, in the darkness of your closed eyes, that's when your imagination starts firing.

00:57:02.000 Yeah.

00:57:03.000 And you start seeing wild, crazy, neon colors, like, fucking.

00:57:09.000 You start seeing, like, computer cartoon, Fractal shows.

00:57:16.000 It becomes very, very bizarre.

00:57:18.000 And that's just closing your eyes on a plane.

00:57:20.000 Inside the tank, it almost opens up another realm of experience.

00:57:26.000 It's very strange because in the absence of light, all this stuff flying through your brain sort of manifests itself as visual information.

00:57:35.000 You don't just get the feeling like, oh, life's slipping away.

00:57:40.000 You get that feeling when your eyes are open, but everything looks normal.

00:57:44.000 Everything looks a little faker and everything looks kind of two-dimensional, a little closer than it should be, but it still looks normal.

00:57:51.000 But when you close your eyes, then you get The fucking color show.

00:57:55.000 You get this madness and craziness in front of you.

00:57:58.000 Yeah, I've had an absolute freaked out, oh my god, blowing my mind experiences eating it.

00:58:04.000 Yeah, you just have to eat it.

00:58:06.000 What's the most you've consumed?

00:58:09.000 Well, this is what I was going to say.

00:58:10.000 There was a friend who made pills.

00:58:11.000 He made THC pills.

00:58:14.000 And I forget how he did it.

00:58:17.000 I forget what his process was of extracting the THC and putting it into the pill form.

00:58:22.000 But he told us very specifically, only take one.

00:58:25.000 He said, do not take more than one.

00:58:27.000 I only took one.

00:58:29.000 I listened.

00:58:29.000 Eddie Bravo took two.

00:58:31.000 Because Eddie Bravo was one of those silly bitches like, man, I can't even get too high.

00:58:37.000 It's impossible.

00:58:38.000 If I'm too high, you can't.

00:58:39.000 And it was unbelievably strong.

00:58:43.000 Just one.

00:58:43.000 I was like, where is this dude traveling every day?

00:58:46.000 This dude is going to crazy town every day.

00:58:50.000 And that's something that a lot of people are overlooking about this whole medical marijuana movement.

00:58:55.000 Everyone's focusing on smoking pot.

00:58:58.000 We don't want people smoking pot.

00:59:00.000 Well, the eating pot is five times stronger.

00:59:04.000 Five.

00:59:04.000 It's five times more psychoactive when you eat it.

00:59:07.000 And you're getting guys just loading up these cookies, loading up these candies.

00:59:12.000 And you can eat three or four of them before you even know what the fuck's going on.

00:59:15.000 And then an hour and 20 minutes later, you're on your deathbed.

00:59:19.000 I mean, you're freaking the fuck out.

00:59:21.000 Like Yoshi.

00:59:23.000 Yeah, like Yoshi.

00:59:24.000 With the banana bread.

00:59:25.000 Joey Diaz actually had a funny story from a long time ago when Listerine Strips first came out, pot Listerine Strips.

00:59:30.000 And they used to have little containers just like them, and...

00:59:34.000 He had a whole one and his friends were like, can I have one?

00:59:38.000 And he takes it out and they had all melted together.

00:59:40.000 And there were like nine strips that had melted together.

00:59:43.000 And Joey Diaz was just like, I guess that's it.

00:59:45.000 And then gave it to him.

00:59:46.000 Oh my god!

00:59:48.000 And I guess the guy called the ambulance.

00:59:50.000 Of course he did.

00:59:50.000 It was just like ten times the amount of those.

00:59:53.000 Those are pretty strong.

00:59:54.000 Those are super strong.

00:59:56.000 I used to take one half of those breast strips.

00:59:58.000 It's really hard to find them now.

01:00:00.000 They don't have them anymore.

01:00:01.000 But I used to take one half of one and that's all it took.

01:00:04.000 One half of one.

01:00:06.000 You gave me that one time.

01:00:10.000 Jesus!

01:00:11.000 That was when we were headed to the East Coast.

01:00:13.000 We were on a red-eye.

01:00:15.000 I remember we both landed and you were like, that is the highest I've ever been in my life.

01:00:20.000 I go, right there on that plane?

01:00:21.000 You go, right there on that plane.

01:00:23.000 I go, what was that like?

01:00:24.000 You go, that was an adventure.

01:00:26.000 Yeah, it was.

01:00:27.000 And I also remember that I was by no means not high anymore when I said that.

01:00:33.000 And I felt like, like 11 hours later, I was like, still kind of feeling it right now.

01:00:38.000 Like, yeah, dude, that shit kicked my ass.

01:00:41.000 That was unbelievable.

01:00:42.000 And that was only a half.

01:00:43.000 I can't imagine taking more than that.

01:00:45.000 I actually started after that.

01:00:47.000 I realized that, like, for me to not have that feeling, a quarter.

01:00:53.000 Of a strip was better.

01:00:56.000 You know what I mean?

01:00:56.000 Like, I could function on a quarter.

01:00:59.000 Yeah.

01:00:59.000 Not on the half, man.

01:01:01.000 Yeah.

01:01:02.000 I hear you, man.

01:01:03.000 I don't like eating anymore.

01:01:04.000 I had one the other day, and I didn't think I felt it the whole night.

01:01:08.000 Like, I took it around 8 o'clock, around 11 or 12. I was like, alright, I guess that was just a shitty edible.

01:01:13.000 Then I couldn't go to bed, and it started, like, my heart started going crazy.

01:01:16.000 I was like, alright, now it's starting right now.

01:01:17.000 It's like 1 in the morning.

01:01:19.000 How long did it take to kick in?

01:01:21.000 Four or five hours almost.

01:01:22.000 You gotta go to the doctor.

01:01:24.000 You got some blockage somewhere, son.

01:01:26.000 That doesn't even make sense.

01:01:27.000 Four or five hours.

01:01:28.000 Yeah, that doesn't make sense.

01:01:29.000 You just defied logic.

01:01:30.000 You defied science.

01:01:31.000 You broke medicine.

01:01:32.000 Yeah.

01:01:33.000 I couldn't go to sleep, though, for, like, hours.

01:01:35.000 Wow.

01:01:35.000 Yeah.

01:01:36.000 Maybe it just took you a while to realize you were high.

01:01:38.000 Or were you, like, caffeined up?

01:01:40.000 Maybe it was having a hard time getting in there?

01:01:41.000 Yeah, I think I had too much other food in my stomach, maybe, and it just took a while to digest it.

01:01:46.000 That's another possibility.

01:01:47.000 If you ate something heavy, right?

01:01:49.000 If that's behind it, does that happen?

01:01:51.000 Does it work like that?

01:01:51.000 I think so.

01:01:52.000 Totally, right?

01:01:53.000 Yeah, it was like busy.

01:01:55.000 Your body has to break it down and it doesn't get to it.

01:01:57.000 We're totally unscientific when it comes to understanding of the digestive system.

01:02:01.000 And you know what I'm saying?

01:02:02.000 The juices break it down.

01:02:03.000 The brain juices break it down.

01:02:07.000 Yeah, I don't think we were right about that.

01:02:09.000 But yeah, I think if anybody should be concerned about experiences, it's the eating it.

01:02:13.000 Because I don't want anybody to have bad trips, man.

01:02:16.000 Bad trips steer people away from weed.

01:02:18.000 And you don't get anything out of those bad edible trips either.

01:02:22.000 Because they usually come when you don't expect them.

01:02:24.000 Like, they come when you're trying to go to a movie, have a pot cookie with your friends, go to a movie, and giggle.

01:02:29.000 And the pot cookie, way too fucking strong!

01:02:32.000 And everybody just wants to go home.

01:02:34.000 You just gotta get out of there.

01:02:35.000 Everybody wants to leave.

01:02:36.000 Well, panic is never a good time.

01:02:38.000 And that's what it is.

01:02:39.000 You are in, like, you have super anxiety going.

01:02:42.000 At least I do.

01:02:43.000 And that's not like, That's not fun, man.

01:02:45.000 You don't go.

01:02:45.000 That was really cool the way I panicked for my life for a few hours, you know, just from sitting there.

01:02:50.000 When I was in full panic mode, okay, from taking this one pill, when Eddie Bravo had taken two, I was in full panic mode and I was talking to this dude.

01:03:00.000 And the dude I was talking to was a very high-level jujitsu guy who also apparently was a rapist.

01:03:08.000 And while I was talking to him, I'm so high.

01:03:11.000 I mean, I'm just...

01:03:12.000 I'm so high.

01:03:13.000 I really shouldn't be talking to anybody.

01:03:14.000 But while I'm talking to this guy, I'm like, man, this guy is a fucking killer.

01:03:18.000 Like, he's got this just feel about him.

01:03:22.000 Like, he feels super dangerous.

01:03:24.000 You know, he's like a really high-level jiu-jitsu guy, but he also feels like, wow, like, if you were alone in the woods with this guy, you know, and you'd gone for a few days without food, he might fucking eat you.

01:03:35.000 And then...

01:03:36.000 Later after that had happened, it turned out that he was a rapist.

01:03:39.000 He got arrested.

01:03:40.000 But he didn't get arrested right away.

01:03:42.000 He fleed.

01:03:44.000 And the way they caught him was he started doing jiu-jitsu again.

01:03:48.000 He couldn't stop doing jiu-jitsu.

01:03:51.000 And he started doing jiu-jitsu at a new gym.

01:03:53.000 And he didn't realize how obvious it is that he's like a super high-level guy.

01:03:58.000 There's not that many high-level guys.

01:03:59.000 I mean, there are quite a few.

01:04:01.000 But I mean...

01:04:03.000 Maybe there's hundreds, but the people in the jiu-jitsu world are pretty much aware of a guy that's that high level.

01:04:08.000 And this guy was just tapping everybody, including their best black belts.

01:04:12.000 And everybody's like, okay, what the fuck?

01:04:14.000 Who is this dude?

01:04:15.000 And he says he's from Brazil, and so someone's got a picture of him or something.

01:04:19.000 And they went, oh my god, that's that guy.

01:04:20.000 And he's wanted for rape.

01:04:22.000 He couldn't go on the lam and not do jiu-jitsu.

01:04:26.000 That's incredible.

01:04:27.000 It's amazing.

01:04:27.000 Yeah.

01:04:28.000 Maybe they would have got him anyway.

01:04:30.000 I don't know.

01:04:31.000 There's two things I've got to have.

01:04:32.000 It's jujitsu and raping people.

01:04:35.000 I've got to be able to do both of those things to be a happy guy.

01:04:39.000 Yeah, he gave off this weird, dangerous energy.

01:04:42.000 Especially when you're that cranked out on the wrong side of the pot rainbow.

01:04:48.000 I was in a never world.

01:04:50.000 I was in the world of fairies and elves and dwarves and monsters.

01:04:54.000 Dragons in the night.

01:04:56.000 Well, that's the thing.

01:04:56.000 If you're having that type of experience on the trip, and you've eaten too much, and you happen to be in a not cool environment, like if you're in an already dangerous situation, oh my God.

01:05:08.000 Yeah.

01:05:09.000 Hostility.

01:05:09.000 Somebody get us home.

01:05:10.000 Please, God, get us home right now.

01:05:12.000 Get us out of here.

01:05:13.000 Yeah.

01:05:14.000 Yeah, there's bad spots in the world.

01:05:16.000 Imagine eating a pot cookie and going to Karachi.

01:05:19.000 Being in the middle of Pakistan.

01:05:21.000 Watching people pull up with mopeds and gun people down.

01:05:24.000 Did you see that on Vice?

01:05:25.000 The dangerous border one?

01:05:26.000 Yeah.

01:05:27.000 It's fantastic.

01:05:27.000 Amazing.

01:05:28.000 What an amazing, amazing access.

01:05:30.000 We had Shane in here.

01:05:31.000 He was telling us about Karachi and how insane it is.

01:05:34.000 That looks insane.

01:05:36.000 Millions of people all in this one giant city.

01:05:38.000 I think it's 20 million there, right?

01:05:40.000 Yeah, something crazy.

01:05:40.000 That's a lot of people.

01:05:41.000 And crimes just running amok.

01:05:43.000 And then they hate their neighbors so much.

01:05:47.000 And they are hated so much.

01:05:49.000 Dude, it's so crazy.

01:05:50.000 The way he described it to me, he's like, it literally is like the scariest place on Earth.

01:05:56.000 Like, you can't believe it exists.

01:05:57.000 It's like the apocalypse in a city, and it's there right now, and nobody's talking about it.

01:06:03.000 Nobody even thinks about it.

01:06:05.000 When you talk about dangerous places, people talk about, like, Detroit.

01:06:09.000 Detroit is not nearly as dangerous as Karachi.

01:06:12.000 Have you had Kumail on?

01:06:13.000 Have you ever had him on the show?

01:06:14.000 Kumail Nanjiani?

01:06:15.000 No, who's that?

01:06:16.000 He's a comic from Pakistan, from Karachi.

01:06:20.000 Oh, really?

01:06:20.000 Yeah.

01:06:21.000 Whoa.

01:06:21.000 He's a really good comic.

01:06:23.000 Where's he from?

01:06:24.000 In America?

01:06:26.000 Does he live in L.A.? He lives in L.A. He came over when he was 19. How do you say his name again?

01:06:31.000 Kumail Nanjiani.

01:06:34.000 He's a really, really good comic.

01:06:35.000 Like, really good.

01:06:36.000 We had him on a mom's cast a long time ago, right?

01:06:39.000 A long time ago.

01:06:39.000 I mean, he's very successful.

01:06:41.000 Like, he does very well.

01:06:42.000 Yeah?

01:06:43.000 I mean, he just did an hour special.

01:06:44.000 He's acting in, like, all kinds.

01:06:47.000 Like, he does really well.

01:06:48.000 Oh, wow.

01:06:48.000 And he's, like, he's a super, really, like, the thing that I was obsessed with when I had him on was that he didn't, like, he grew up there, and he didn't, like, watch stand-up growing up.

01:07:03.000 And he came into college at 19, and he's so good at it that I'm like, yeah, but I still understand how you're good at it.

01:07:10.000 Because, like, how has your sense of humor developed?

01:07:14.000 You started at, like, basically 19, like, being exposed to this at all.

01:07:19.000 And he's, like...

01:07:21.000 Exceptionally good at it.

01:07:22.000 So you see like he just has such a command of doing stand-up, like everything.

01:07:29.000 Like really insightful, smart, really good writer, performer, so funny.

01:07:34.000 And I just am fascinated at his whole background, his whole story.

01:07:39.000 Yeah, that is interesting because there are cultures that do not have stand-up comedy, right?

01:07:44.000 Yeah, he definitely didn't have it.

01:07:45.000 They all have some sort of public gathering where someone gets to talk.

01:07:51.000 But for entertainment, I mean, how many places have...

01:07:53.000 It's just breaking out in some parts of the world now.

01:07:56.000 I know in a lot of Spanish-speaking countries, there are clubs now and a stand-up show, even for television, but they don't have the basically 80, 100-year history that we have of it coming from the Catskills and it being...

01:08:14.000 Like, a thing that has different genres.

01:08:16.000 You know what I mean?

01:08:17.000 It's newer.

01:08:18.000 Well, it was invented here.

01:08:19.000 It was most certainly invented here.

01:08:21.000 But there's a lot of confusion or a lot of questioning as far as who invented it.

01:08:26.000 I mean, who the fuck invented it?

01:08:27.000 Is there anyone who is like...

01:08:31.000 Yeah.

01:08:50.000 And they would all steal each other's material and shit.

01:08:53.000 They were like people in show business, almost like you would think of a contract studio person from like the 1940s and 50s.

01:08:59.000 You know, you think of those people that had contracts with the studio and did all those studio movies.

01:09:03.000 Well, these guys kind of were that.

01:09:05.000 They were like, it was a different kind of comedy.

01:09:08.000 And then Lenny Bruce came along, and all of a sudden he starts talking about real shit.

01:09:12.000 And all of a sudden he starts breaking down our use of language, and why do we have to say this, and talking about real scenarios in the home, and like, whoa, that was the birth.

01:09:23.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:09:24.000 Like, if you go over to my house, there's all these Lenny Bruce posters everywhere.

01:09:27.000 It's not like I listen to Lenny Bruce a lot.

01:09:30.000 I mean, I certainly have.

01:09:31.000 It's not like it even holds up to this day, because it really doesn't.

01:09:34.000 It's really hard to laugh at Lenny Bruce's stuff.

01:09:36.000 It's hard to put yourself into that mindset of the people that lived during the 1950s and the 1960s.

01:09:41.000 But if you could, if you could go back in time, you would be blown away.

01:09:47.000 I'm sure of it.

01:09:48.000 I'm sure his...

01:09:50.000 Point of view was probably so incredibly unique at the time.

01:09:54.000 And his insight, you know, his jokes, some of his jokes today are great jokes.

01:10:00.000 He had this joke about homosexuality being illegal.

01:10:04.000 So what they do is they arrest you and they put you in jail with a bunch of men who want to have sex with you.

01:10:08.000 Yeah.

01:10:09.000 You know, it's a good joke.

01:10:11.000 Yeah.

01:10:12.000 I mean, it's funny in 2013, and he probably told that in the 50s.

01:10:17.000 It's crazy.

01:10:17.000 Where people were like, what?

01:10:18.000 It never hurt anything like that.

01:10:20.000 The fuck did he just say?

01:10:21.000 Yeah.

01:10:22.000 I mean, Lenny Bruce went to jail for it.

01:10:25.000 He went to jail for using bad words.

01:10:28.000 People don't understand that that is in this past century.

01:10:32.000 People have been locked into cages for saying naughty words.

01:10:37.000 Not even threatening.

01:10:38.000 Not like saying, I'm going to blow up this plane.

01:10:41.000 Not words like that.

01:10:43.000 But a word like fuck or a word like shit or tits or something like that.

01:10:47.000 They locked him in cages.

01:10:48.000 You're going to jail now.

01:10:49.000 They drained his money, ruined his career.

01:10:52.000 Jesus.

01:10:52.000 Yeah, that and the smack.

01:10:54.000 That's the other thing we need to learn from a guy like Lenny.

01:10:56.000 Stay away from the smack, my friend.

01:10:58.000 It seems like nobody gets through the smack okay.

01:11:02.000 Nobody does.

01:11:03.000 There's no recovery from that.

01:11:04.000 I had a buddy who had a hard time kicking it.

01:11:06.000 He, in a pill form, he hurt his back.

01:11:10.000 And the doctors immediately, of course, gave him heroin.

01:11:13.000 That's what the OxyContin says.

01:11:15.000 They gave him OxyContin.

01:11:17.000 And he was like, dude, he goes, it was magical.

01:11:19.000 He goes, it cured all the pain.

01:11:22.000 He goes, I didn't, it wasn't even that fucked up when he was on.

01:11:25.000 He goes, I was just, he goes, it just stopped the pain.

01:11:29.000 You know?

01:11:31.000 But then, coming off of it, he had to take some other drug.

01:11:35.000 It's my friend Tommy Jr., if he's listening right now.

01:11:37.000 Powerful Tommy Jr. And they just give them to you, man.

01:11:42.000 When you get hurt, like, I know guys who were junkies and went to the doctor and, you know, they give them pain medication.

01:11:48.000 And, you know, that's a dangerous trip.

01:11:50.000 Like, you're getting high.

01:11:52.000 Like, mark it down, because here it comes.

01:11:54.000 You know, do you like being sober?

01:11:56.000 You like keeping your shit together?

01:11:57.000 Don't take that.

01:11:59.000 That's no bueno.

01:12:00.000 You know?

01:12:01.000 You take that pill too, the painkillers with a beer?

01:12:03.000 Yeah.

01:12:04.000 Ooh, that's a whole other ballgame.

01:12:06.000 Most people do.

01:12:07.000 Yeah.

01:12:08.000 It's like super common.

01:12:09.000 Yeah, of course.

01:12:10.000 You're not supposed to, right?

01:12:11.000 No.

01:12:12.000 Isn't Xanax a really bad one to take with alcohol?

01:12:15.000 Yeah.

01:12:15.000 I saw a lady do it on a plane.

01:12:17.000 She was laughing about it.

01:12:19.000 Yeah.

01:12:19.000 She's getting high.

01:12:20.000 She's getting high.

01:12:21.000 Just a glass of wine in my Xanax and I'm good to go.

01:12:25.000 Yeah.

01:12:25.000 And she was like laughing.

01:12:26.000 Ha ha!

01:12:27.000 She puts her fucking goggles on.

01:12:28.000 Ha ha!

01:12:30.000 See you later.

01:12:31.000 Just drooling on the chair.

01:12:33.000 Yeah, she was letting everybody know she was abusing drugs.

01:12:36.000 Yeah, that's because she was getting high for sure.

01:12:37.000 But if I let them know, if I said, listen, I took a pot cookie an hour before this flight, I'm out of my fucking head right now, kids.

01:12:43.000 We're going to go back to the gate, guys.

01:12:44.000 Yeah, we're going to turn this thing around and land it in the desert.

01:12:46.000 Get this fucking criminal off.

01:12:48.000 Get this pot monster off of our plane.

01:12:49.000 You asshole.

01:12:50.000 What were you thinking about?

01:12:51.000 I was thinking about fingering girls in high school.

01:12:54.000 What was that all about?

01:12:56.000 Ah, just having that flashback.

01:12:58.000 The excitement.

01:13:00.000 The first time we touched a moist vagina, like, holy shit, I'm in there!

01:13:03.000 I'm in there!

01:13:04.000 And girls that would grab your dick, and some girls wouldn't.

01:13:07.000 Did you have those girls that everyone would pass around during movies, like when they had the projectors out, and then she'd be like, oh, we got the finger!

01:13:13.000 Some girls, yeah.

01:13:14.000 There were some girls that would just let dudes finger them.

01:13:17.000 Yeah.

01:13:18.000 That's a good thing.

01:13:19.000 That's just a balance.

01:13:20.000 Sometimes you need your pussy fingers.

01:13:21.000 It's a balance to this universe.

01:13:23.000 And it's not necessarily a good thing that those girls are so needy that they're doing that.

01:13:27.000 But there's a cause and effect.

01:13:28.000 And it's not her fault.

01:13:30.000 That's what people have to realize.

01:13:31.000 Whenever girls do really overreaching things to get attention, it's because they didn't get enough attention.

01:13:37.000 It's really that simple.

01:13:38.000 Or they got the wrong kind of attention.

01:13:39.000 They got fucked up.

01:13:41.000 And it's not their fault, man.

01:13:42.000 And that's something that takes a long time to figure out.

01:13:44.000 You don't realize that for a while.

01:13:46.000 Yeah, man.

01:13:46.000 I mean, people just sort of judge people by what they see.

01:13:49.000 And that's one of the more interesting things about having children is you start judging people by how they became that thing.

01:13:55.000 How did you get to be this angry, really deceptive, shitty, selfish person who's ruining lives and stealing from people?

01:14:05.000 How does a person get to be a murderer?

01:14:07.000 How does a person get to be a robber who breaks into people's houses when you know they're not going to be around?

01:14:11.000 How do you get to be that person?

01:14:13.000 Well, a bunch of shit has to go wrong.

01:14:15.000 There's a bunch of people who have to fail you.

01:14:17.000 You started off nothing but potential.

01:14:20.000 That's what a person is.

01:14:21.000 Nothing but potential.

01:14:23.000 And that is the number one thing that we don't pay attention to.

01:14:26.000 And it's the number one thing that's fucking up this world.

01:14:29.000 Is that people are raised by people that don't have any idea how to raise the most complex thing ever.

01:14:36.000 A developing human being.

01:14:38.000 It's the most complex thing we know of.

01:14:39.000 It's a thing that literally can create an atomic bomb that can blow up the fucking world.

01:14:44.000 That's how powerful the human mind is.

01:14:47.000 And you're leaving it to assholes.

01:14:50.000 You're leaving it to a bunch of people that have no idea how to raise a person correctly and weren't raised correctly themselves.

01:14:56.000 So I have all sorts of baggage that they're carrying into this relationship between mother and daughter and father and son.

01:15:03.000 You know...

01:15:05.000 Most people have no idea how the fuck they got into the place they're at right now.

01:15:11.000 They live their life on momentum.

01:15:13.000 And raising a human when you're stuck on momentum and screaming at people in traffic and calling your wife a cunt and kicking your dog.

01:15:21.000 And now you got a baby.

01:15:22.000 This guy has a baby.

01:15:24.000 Now what happens?

01:15:25.000 Now this baby's fucked and he's being raised by a shithead.

01:15:29.000 And that's most of what's going on in the world.

01:15:33.000 Most of the problems is a lack of compassion.

01:15:36.000 And a lack of compassion from birth to adulthood.

01:15:41.000 And it's so common.

01:15:43.000 And it's not being addressed.

01:15:44.000 Nobody talks about it.

01:15:45.000 Everybody wants to talk about oil.

01:15:47.000 Everybody wants to talk about oil.

01:15:48.000 What do we do when we run out of oil?

01:15:49.000 What will we do when peak oil becomes a problem in this country?

01:15:52.000 When will we step up and learn?

01:15:54.000 But nobody looks at the number one commodity that humans have to offer.

01:15:57.000 That's humans.

01:15:59.000 Our best commodity is humans.

01:16:01.000 And the more potential that you can have in that commodity, the better the world would be for everybody.

01:16:09.000 But the problem is that the people that have billions of dollars are a bunch of cunts.

01:16:12.000 And they want to hold on to that money with their greasy, old, moisturizing cream...

01:16:24.000 Yeah.

01:16:27.000 Yeah.

01:16:36.000 That's the extreme form of the wrong parts of the competitive aspects of capitalism.

01:16:44.000 Did you see Queen of Versailles?

01:16:46.000 No.

01:16:46.000 What is that?

01:16:47.000 Oh my god.

01:16:48.000 What is it?

01:16:49.000 It's a documentary.

01:16:49.000 It's so fucking funny.

01:16:51.000 You're not the first person to say it.

01:16:52.000 What is it about?

01:16:53.000 It's about the guy who, he started, it's the world's biggest time shareholder company.

01:17:01.000 Westgate, I think it's called, or it was called something like that.

01:17:03.000 I think it's Westgate.

01:17:04.000 Anyways, a few years ago, he went about building the largest home in the United States.

01:17:12.000 It was 90,000 square feet, I think.

01:17:15.000 90,000 square feet.

01:17:17.000 And it was modeled after Versailles, the palace in France.

01:17:21.000 And he just so happened to be doing this, and the documentary crew was filming him, you know, for this purpose.

01:17:29.000 And it happened in 08 when the market crashed.

01:17:32.000 They had a lion?

01:17:35.000 Oh my God, he has a throne.

01:17:40.000 I'm a 43-year-old mother of eight.

01:17:45.000 I thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world.

01:17:47.000 It took me a while to fall in love with him.

01:17:50.000 Whoa.

01:17:51.000 We have a great relationship.

01:17:53.000 There's 30 years between us.

01:17:54.000 But he doesn't need Viagra.

01:17:56.000 At least there is that option if he does.

01:17:58.000 Like, I don't know if 10 years from now.

01:18:03.000 We never sought out to build the biggest house in America.

01:18:06.000 It just kind of happened.

01:18:07.000 It's bigger than the White House.

01:18:09.000 Two tennis courts.

01:18:10.000 30 bathrooms.

01:18:11.000 Full-size baseball field.

01:18:12.000 10 kitchens.

01:18:13.000 Antique furniture.

01:18:13.000 90,000 square feet.

01:18:15.000 Oh my God!

01:18:16.000 No, that's not my room.

01:18:17.000 That's my closet.

01:18:19.000 No way!

01:18:20.000 Nothing's really normal about this life.

01:18:24.000 We're in line to do a billion dollars in sales for the year.

01:18:28.000 We're on top of the world.

01:18:31.000 And it came to a screeching halt.

01:18:33.000 The market fell over 700 points.

01:18:36.000 I would say it's touch and go right now.

01:18:39.000 We don't talk about financial problems.

01:18:41.000 I guess I'll have to watch the movie to find out what's going on in my life.

01:18:48.000 Everything changes.

01:18:49.000 This is almost like a riches to rags story.

01:18:52.000 She knows we need to cut back, but she's still compulsive.

01:18:56.000 What home is it now?

01:18:58.000 Well, if I could afford a watch, I would tell you.

01:19:03.000 Bankers are like vultures.

01:19:04.000 Our big problem is Vegas.

01:19:07.000 Our lenders have made it very clear that he'll have more money than he knows what to do with.

01:19:10.000 He can go back to building his house if he turns over this building.

01:19:13.000 Go for my dead body.

01:19:17.000 You can buy the palace that timeshare mogul David Siegel already wants to sell.

01:19:21.000 Just think of the bright side.

01:19:22.000 You might not have to clean this house.

01:19:26.000 The American dream is raising way up above what you started with and that is what she has done.

01:19:32.000 When you're down is when you find out who your true friends are.

01:19:35.000 You get strength from your marriage?

01:19:39.000 No.

01:19:40.000 I'm in this fantasy world, you know.

01:19:43.000 It's phenomenal.

01:19:44.000 Oh my god.

01:19:46.000 She is completely oblivious to how she...

01:19:49.000 How she comes off?

01:19:51.000 Well, when they start having to make cutbacks, their cutbacks are things like, we're not flying private, we're flying, you know, commercial.

01:19:58.000 And she picks up one of her kids, they land, and she picks up her kid at the airport, and she's like, What do you think of flying commercial?

01:20:06.000 Was that crazy?

01:20:07.000 And the kid's like, I don't even know what you're talking about.

01:20:09.000 They're just planes, right?

01:20:10.000 She's like, yeah, commercial.

01:20:12.000 They go to rent a car to visit her friend at the airport, and they're at Hertz.

01:20:17.000 And then she's like, so will the driver meet me out front, or how does this work?

01:20:21.000 And he's like, this is Hertz.

01:20:22.000 Rent a car?

01:20:23.000 And she's like, what is that?

01:20:25.000 There's no driver?

01:20:26.000 And he's like...

01:20:27.000 No, you're the driver.

01:20:28.000 You're renting a car right now.

01:20:29.000 She's like, okay, I just, I don't know.

01:20:31.000 All right.

01:20:32.000 Whoa.

01:20:34.000 That's pretty funny.

01:20:34.000 That removed from society where she's living in such a fantasy world.

01:20:39.000 How much money did a homeboy lose?

01:20:41.000 I mean, nine figures, for sure.

01:20:43.000 Nine figures.

01:20:44.000 For sure.

01:20:45.000 Yeah.

01:20:45.000 But he's been...

01:20:47.000 That's like $100 million.

01:20:48.000 Yeah, so over $100 million, for sure, of personal wealth.

01:20:51.000 Stop and think about that.

01:20:52.000 Nine figures.

01:20:54.000 Yeah.

01:20:55.000 Okay.

01:20:56.000 Yeah, he lost a substantial amount of money.

01:20:59.000 Oh, my God.

01:21:00.000 And then...

01:21:01.000 Basically, what happened was his business is a luxury business, but it's a luxury for the middle class.

01:21:10.000 So timeshares are something where it's like, if you have a good job, you can more than pay your bills, you can afford to do something like, let's go to Disney World this year, or let's go to Vegas.

01:21:20.000 But they sell you on, well, you can afford to do this.

01:21:23.000 And it's people who have that extra money, some disposable income, but not super wealthy.

01:21:28.000 So what does it mean when you have a timeshare?

01:21:30.000 Does it mean you have this month and I have that month?

01:21:33.000 It's exactly like that.

01:21:34.000 It's like you get to come to this awesome timeshare, whichever, let's say you like Vegas.

01:21:39.000 You have the timeshare in Vegas.

01:21:41.000 And two weeks out of every year, maybe...

01:21:43.000 You get to pick your month.

01:21:44.000 If you pay more or sometime during the year, let's say every July, you get your Vegas place.

01:21:49.000 It's yours, and it's fully furnished, and it's awesome.

01:21:51.000 But other people have the keys to it.

01:21:53.000 Yes.

01:21:54.000 Who are the other people, though?

01:21:55.000 People who, like you, signed up for this service.

01:21:58.000 They're not like your friends.

01:21:59.000 You can't pick them.

01:22:00.000 No, it's total strangers.

01:22:02.000 But there is a property manager that's on site that holds the keys for you, and then you have to go through him.

01:22:10.000 Oh, I see.

01:22:11.000 You're basically...

01:22:12.000 It's in a hotel, then.

01:22:13.000 It is.

01:22:13.000 You're paying to go back to the same place and be like, this is my shit.

01:22:17.000 But, you know, it's not really.

01:22:19.000 And you don't keep a TV there, and you don't keep a stereo there.

01:22:22.000 I mean, it's probably, I'm sure, furnished with all that stuff, though.

01:22:25.000 But what happened was...

01:22:26.000 It's probably, for a lot of people, more comfortable than going to a hotel.

01:22:29.000 Definitely.

01:22:29.000 And probably better, like, if you can eat healthy food.

01:22:31.000 My families do it all the time.

01:22:32.000 That's the thing, is that...

01:22:33.000 Go to a supermarket and shop like you're at home.

01:22:35.000 And you can get a way higher end place than you would...

01:22:39.000 If you were renting the equivalent at a hotel, you're not going to get a three bedroom suite like you're going to get at your timeshare.

01:22:45.000 Right, right, right.

01:22:46.000 How much do you have to pay a year?

01:22:48.000 I don't know.

01:22:49.000 It's not that much.

01:22:50.000 It's probably...

01:22:53.000 The one I went to, because I actually got suckered in doing one of those.

01:22:56.000 You did it?

01:22:57.000 You had a timeshare?

01:22:58.000 When I was 18, my stupid roommate, he was like, hey, I want a vacation.

01:23:02.000 And I'm like, oh, that's so perfect that Brian did.

01:23:04.000 And then so we went to Florida.

01:23:06.000 He's like, all we have to do is find a way to Florida, and then we have five days in the Bahamas.

01:23:11.000 And I'm like, fuck yeah.

01:23:12.000 So we get there, and we had to fly, like spend our own money to fly to Florida, or we could have drove there.

01:23:17.000 And then we get there, and then the first day we checked in to this hotel.

01:23:21.000 It was all paid for.

01:23:22.000 I was like, this is sweet.

01:23:24.000 He was like, all right, well, we've got to go to this condo thing.

01:23:27.000 We have to just do this little thing for a couple hours.

01:23:29.000 Seminar.

01:23:29.000 Oh, my God.

01:23:30.000 And he totally did not tell me that we had to do this every day, like for two hours.

01:23:35.000 Every day?

01:23:35.000 Yeah, except for the last two days.

01:23:37.000 How many days were you there for?

01:23:39.000 I think five days.

01:23:40.000 What?

01:23:41.000 So every day, they just went to a new level of trying to...

01:23:43.000 And every day, I would say the same thing.

01:23:45.000 I'm like, I'm 18. I was like, do you really think I can do this?

01:23:50.000 How'd you even get me here?

01:23:52.000 So every day, what were they saying to you?

01:23:53.000 They would show us the condas, which they were all amazing, but they would walk us around.

01:23:57.000 And then the next day, we'd go to a different part of...

01:24:00.000 At the time, it was Florida.

01:24:02.000 What happened is the last two days, it was in Bahamas.

01:24:04.000 He didn't tell me that either.

01:24:05.000 He's just like, five days in the Bahamas.

01:24:07.000 It was in Pompano, Florida the whole time.

01:24:09.000 So he just went to all these different condo places in Pompano.

01:24:14.000 And they were like, this is the so-and-so place.

01:24:17.000 So it was in the Bahamas?

01:24:18.000 Not the first three days.

01:24:20.000 The last two days.

01:24:21.000 The last two days, they fly you to the Bahamas?

01:24:23.000 You take a boat cruise thing over to the Bahamas.

01:24:26.000 How long does that take?

01:24:27.000 Like three hours.

01:24:29.000 You can get to the Bahamas on a boat in three hours?

01:24:31.000 Yeah, I think so.

01:24:32.000 Wow.

01:24:33.000 Yeah.

01:24:33.000 And so then, but what sucked is like every day they tried to get you to sign this contract.

01:24:39.000 And it was like fucking like hardcore.

01:24:40.000 Like they were like, no, you need to sit down here and talk, you know?

01:24:43.000 And I'm like, look, I don't...

01:24:44.000 Were these young guys?

01:24:46.000 Who were the guys that were trying to talk to me?

01:24:47.000 No, these were older people, you know?

01:24:49.000 It's like, what were they saying to you?

01:24:50.000 They were like, do you understand?

01:24:52.000 You're at the perfect age.

01:24:53.000 I'm sure you're a credit.

01:24:55.000 This would be a good investment in your life because you can rent this out, sub-rent it out, and you will always have this really cool place in the Pompano's or whatever.

01:25:04.000 Also telling you if you don't use it for the weeks that you get it, you could rent it out.

01:25:08.000 You could rent it out to other people and make a profit from it.

01:25:10.000 Actually, it's going to cost you this, but you could rent it.

01:25:12.000 Right, exactly.

01:25:13.000 I want to say it was probably...

01:25:16.000 Something like you paid once a huge chunk of money.

01:25:20.000 I want to say it was something ridiculous like $10,000.

01:25:23.000 And then every year you pay a maintenance fee or something like that that's like $200.

01:25:28.000 I want to say it's something like that.

01:25:29.000 So it's a top-heavy sort of thing.

01:25:31.000 Yeah, definitely top-heavy.

01:25:33.000 And they were saying, look, we have the best financial...

01:25:37.000 We are friends with the people at the bank.

01:25:39.000 We will get you the best rate that we can get you for 20 years to divide that 10,000 out to probably 30,000 after finance charges.

01:25:49.000 It's a scam.

01:25:51.000 Right.

01:25:55.000 It's one of those scams that's been around for a long time though, the high pressure marketing scam.

01:26:01.000 It's like a legit scam.

01:26:03.000 You're allowed to do that.

01:26:05.000 That kind of high pressure shit, if you're socially awkward or weird, you could really crack people with that.

01:26:12.000 I was just getting really pissed.

01:26:14.000 We had to pay for all the tax of all the hotels that we stayed at.

01:26:19.000 At the end, they were like, you owe $800 in taxes.

01:26:24.000 Back then, Ohio days, we both had to pay $400 or something like that.

01:26:29.000 That was a shitload of money.

01:26:31.000 That drained my bank account.

01:26:32.000 I only had $300, so my roommate gave me the extra $100.

01:26:37.000 And then I never paid him back because I was like, look, dude, that was bullshit.

01:26:40.000 I'm sorry that you did not tell me any of this.

01:26:42.000 You said we had a free vacation.

01:26:43.000 I'm sorry, but you made me spend an extra blah, blah amount of money.

01:26:48.000 And so we stopped talking ever since then.

01:26:50.000 And then we became enemies for a long time.

01:26:53.000 Just because over $100.

01:26:55.000 Isn't it funny how something like that go wrong?

01:26:57.000 You can just decide that that person's your enemy.

01:27:00.000 You fucked me out of $100.

01:27:02.000 It's just bullshit, man.

01:27:03.000 It was like...

01:27:04.000 It's definitely bullshit.

01:27:05.000 It's not a vacation.

01:27:25.000 Stay in the cheapest place possible.

01:27:26.000 I bet you we ended up spending more money.

01:27:29.000 You might have.

01:27:30.000 Between the two of you?

01:27:31.000 Have you both got a two-bedroom, a hotel room?

01:27:33.000 That's another thing.

01:27:34.000 The hotels were just like...

01:27:35.000 That was one thing I said.

01:27:37.000 It's three and a half or above hotel.

01:27:39.000 It was very borderline.

01:27:41.000 It was like Courtyard at the Marriott.

01:27:43.000 You know what I mean?

01:27:44.000 I've got to tell you.

01:27:45.000 One thing about...

01:27:47.000 I think it happens the older you get, too.

01:27:49.000 I will not compromise...

01:27:51.000 On certain shit, like certain...

01:27:53.000 Toilet paper?

01:27:54.000 Well, like, just certain, like, hey, man, do you want to go see this shit and backpack with, like, eight people, but we'll see something awesome.

01:28:00.000 Like, nah, man, I don't want to do that.

01:28:02.000 Like, if I... I'm not saying I have to have four seasons.

01:28:06.000 I can't afford to do that.

01:28:10.000 I'm basically not going to take a trip if I can't do it at least at a level that I'm comfortable with.

01:28:15.000 You know what though, man?

01:28:16.000 I agree with you most of the time, but I went on that show Meat Eater and we went camping for five nights in the Missouri Breaks.

01:28:25.000 But that's a trip you want to do that.

01:28:28.000 You want that experience.

01:28:29.000 If that experience were presented to me, I would consider that for what it is.

01:28:33.000 But I met a dude who was like, yeah, I've been to the Bahamas.

01:28:36.000 I went on a mail boat, bringing mail over, and slept with basically the mail carrier and the letters.

01:28:44.000 And I was like, nah, dude.

01:28:45.000 I don't want to do that.

01:28:46.000 The problem with that is, though, I'm the same way.

01:28:48.000 I'm kind of grumpy the older I get.

01:28:51.000 Of course.

01:28:51.000 But, you know, I went on this trip to Joshua Tree where we stayed in this, like, little RV. And I was so against it.

01:28:57.000 I'm like, look, you know, I want to go to Joshua Tree, but I don't want to stay in some shitty RV in the middle of some campground.

01:29:01.000 Like, why can't we just stay somewhere?

01:29:03.000 And I was being a bitch about the whole thing until we got there.

01:29:06.000 And it ended up being the coolest adventure ever.

01:29:08.000 Like, I would never have done it.

01:29:11.000 This girl I know wants me to go camping with her.

01:29:14.000 I'm doing the same thing.

01:29:15.000 I know if I go, I might have a great fucking time.

01:29:18.000 You'll probably have a great time.

01:29:20.000 I'm just being grumpy.

01:29:21.000 That's again a specific experience, I think, though, too.

01:29:24.000 It has the group...

01:29:27.000 Like, the croup experience in mind going into it is going something like that.

01:29:31.000 If somebody goes, hey man, do you want to go to Paris right now?

01:29:34.000 And you're like, okay.

01:29:35.000 And they're like, now we're going to stay at this place.

01:29:38.000 Well, you won't have your own room or bathroom, but if you get the key from the front desk, I'd be like, you know, I'll wait on Paris for a little while so that I can, you know, stay in my own room or something.

01:29:47.000 You know what I mean?

01:29:47.000 Like, I'm not...

01:29:48.000 I don't want to exactly...

01:29:50.000 And the lack of sleep you're going to get.

01:29:52.000 Sleep is what I'm going to do.

01:29:53.000 Because you know he's snoring.

01:29:54.000 And you know you're snoring.

01:29:55.000 He's going to wake you up.

01:29:56.000 It's going to be a goddamn disaster.

01:29:58.000 Last time I slept with a dude, it was my friend Gary.

01:30:00.000 He was coming to LA. Please cut that into a ringtone.

01:30:04.000 Last time I slept with a dude, he came to stay with me and he didn't have enough money for a hotel.

01:30:13.000 He was out here doing some shit from New York.

01:30:16.000 He's a comic as well.

01:30:17.000 You know Gary Valentine?

01:30:18.000 Yeah, of course.

01:30:20.000 Kevin's brother.

01:30:21.000 And this motherfucker.

01:30:23.000 I never heard anybody snore like this before.

01:30:26.000 It's crazy!

01:30:27.000 It's crazy, right?

01:30:27.000 It was crazy.

01:30:28.000 In the middle of the night, I had a geppo and go, are you fucking kidding me?

01:30:31.000 But this is when we were kids.

01:30:32.000 We were both in our early 20s.

01:30:35.000 It's like in the early 90s.

01:30:36.000 A couple years ago, I stayed at the West Palm Beach.

01:30:39.000 It was a condo.

01:30:40.000 And I was down there, and my buddy Chuck came to town.

01:30:43.000 Chuck's 6'5", like 290. Big, big dude.

01:30:46.000 And he was like, yo, can I crash?

01:30:49.000 The condo has like a...

01:30:52.000 Whatever, bedroom and living room.

01:30:54.000 I was like, yeah, he goes, lays in the bed, and like before I even can sit down, I hear him like not just snoring, but he also grinds his teeth.

01:31:06.000 Oh my god.

01:31:07.000 And it sounded like a monster was doing it.

01:31:09.000 He's like such an enormous person.

01:31:11.000 I laid on the couch in that condo with my noise-canceling headphones.

01:31:18.000 A shirt over my eyes and a mouth guard in my mouth so that I didn't snore.

01:31:23.000 And he came out and he was like, what the fuck are you doing?

01:31:26.000 I'm like, it's you, man.

01:31:27.000 You came to visit and now you've ruined my night.

01:31:30.000 That's what happened.

01:31:31.000 Fuck that.

01:31:33.000 Yeah, snoring is gross.

01:31:34.000 The grinding thing is the worst.

01:31:36.000 It's scary sounding.

01:31:38.000 Oh, it is.

01:31:40.000 Why do people do that?

01:31:41.000 They say it's stress or whatever.

01:31:42.000 I don't know.

01:31:42.000 I'm a clincher.

01:31:43.000 Like, the dentist said, like, no, that's actually okay.

01:31:45.000 You clinch.

01:31:46.000 That's why you have really strong...

01:31:47.000 Many of my teeth are cracked from weightlifting.

01:31:50.000 What?

01:31:51.000 Yeah.

01:31:52.000 Really?

01:31:52.000 Your teeth are cracked from that?

01:31:55.000 Yeah.

01:31:55.000 You must be throwing up some serious weight, man.

01:31:57.000 I'm a very strong person.

01:31:58.000 Yeah.

01:31:59.000 Tommy James.

01:32:01.000 My man.

01:32:03.000 But yeah, he told me to wear a mouth guard when I lift weights.

01:32:05.000 No shit.

01:32:06.000 Yeah.

01:32:07.000 It's probably years of hitting the bag as well.

01:32:11.000 I don't hit the bag with a mouthpiece on.

01:32:13.000 When you bite down, when you're really digging into something, you actually lose a lot of power if you don't bite down.

01:32:20.000 It's really strange.

01:32:21.000 I don't understand it.

01:32:22.000 Really?

01:32:23.000 Yeah.

01:32:24.000 Yeah, it doesn't seem like you can hit as hard when your mouth is open.

01:32:26.000 It's like your whole body needs to work together as you explode out on impact.

01:32:33.000 And when your mouth is open a little, I think there's a lack of power to that.

01:32:38.000 It's kind of strange.

01:32:39.000 But it's very difficult to get a full amount of power and explosive energy when you have your mouth open.

01:32:46.000 They actually did tests on it, and I think it was the basis of one of those mouth guards they had.

01:32:51.000 They had this power guard where they proved that if you bit down on it, it would actually increase the amount of weight you could lift.

01:32:59.000 Really?

01:32:59.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:33:01.000 Like they aligned your jaw in a certain way that increased the amount of power that your body had.

01:33:07.000 I don't understand that.

01:33:08.000 I don't know why that would be the case.

01:33:10.000 But for some reason, you can't hit as hard when your mouth's open.

01:33:13.000 That's really interesting.

01:33:15.000 I know breathing can affect how you...

01:33:19.000 Yeah.

01:33:20.000 Holding your breath versus breathing related to a lot of physical things makes a huge difference.

01:33:25.000 Huge difference, yeah.

01:33:26.000 And being able to sustain an in and out breath versus holding your breath.

01:33:32.000 That's one of the biggest issues in jujitsu.

01:33:35.000 Is breathing?

01:33:35.000 Is learning how to breathe right.

01:33:36.000 And that's why the best guys are all really into yoga.

01:33:40.000 Yeah.

01:33:41.000 And pranayama and learning breathing techniques and stuff like that.

01:33:44.000 Yeah.

01:33:44.000 Because if you can control your breath, and your diaphragm is a muscle that you can control much like you can control your arms or your legs.

01:33:54.000 Yeah.

01:33:54.000 And there's certain guys, like there's this dude Hicks and Gracie.

01:33:57.000 He's like the greatest jiu-jitsu guy ever.

01:33:59.000 Yeah.

01:33:59.000 And he does all this crazy yoga shit with his stomach where he sucks his stomach in.

01:34:03.000 It's really freaky to watch, man.

01:34:05.000 But the guy has like...

01:34:07.000 Absolute control of his breathing.

01:34:09.000 That's incredible.

01:34:10.000 And because of that, I mean, not just because of that, because he's also incredibly talented.

01:34:15.000 He has a wealth of knowledge of Jiu Jitsu.

01:34:18.000 He's a master.

01:34:20.000 He's a true master.

01:34:21.000 And on top of that, he's also a yogi.

01:34:25.000 That breathing shit is super important, coordinating your breath.

01:34:30.000 With striking as well, not just with Jiu Jitsu.

01:34:32.000 When you kick the bag, when you kick a person, you breathe out as you strike.

01:34:38.000 And that's why a lot of the karate and even in Muay Thai, they not like the same thing, they kiai.

01:34:48.000 They yell out when they hit things.

01:34:52.000 And Thai guys do that a lot in training.

01:34:54.000 You hear them like, yeah, yeah!

01:34:57.000 When you go to see Thai fights, they yell out.

01:34:59.000 The audience or the trainers yell out.

01:35:02.000 They yell out.

01:35:05.000 It's like you're tightening up as you're delivering the shot.

01:35:10.000 Also, to protect you a little bit if you get hit yourself.

01:35:12.000 I know a lot of the heavy...

01:35:15.000 Bench press guys.

01:35:16.000 Yeah.

01:35:16.000 If they're trying to rep out on heavy weight, it's always one in and one out.

01:35:20.000 Yeah.

01:35:20.000 So it's supposed to go, like, take one breath in and push it out with one breath, you know?

01:35:25.000 Yeah.

01:35:25.000 And they try to do, like, 225, like, 30 fucking times.

01:35:29.000 That shit is, like, all, you know, it's better than going, you hold your breath and you're out.

01:35:35.000 It totally fucks up the rhythm of it.

01:35:37.000 You know what's crazy to do, what's really hard to do, that I enjoy doing, I enjoy it as an exercise, is a minute in, a minute out.

01:35:45.000 Really?

01:35:45.000 Yeah.

01:35:46.000 I take a one minute breath in, a slow one minute breath in, and then a slow one minute breath out.

01:35:54.000 And it's very hard to not freak out and just start, in the middle of it.

01:35:58.000 It's very hard.

01:35:59.000 I do it in like 30 seconds, but I do it a lot.

01:36:01.000 I do it in the tank.

01:36:02.000 And that's how I start my tank sessions.

01:36:05.000 I start my tank sessions by completely controlling my breathing.

01:36:08.000 Have you always been able to do that?

01:36:09.000 No, I had to build up to it.

01:36:12.000 Your buddy, what was it?

01:36:13.000 Denny, right?

01:36:14.000 Powerful Denny?

01:36:15.000 Yeah, powerful Denny.

01:36:16.000 He said he does yoga like every morning.

01:36:18.000 Oh yeah, Denny's a bad motherfucker.

01:36:19.000 Denny's a world champion in jiu-jitsu.

01:36:21.000 I've known Denny since he was a young kid.

01:36:23.000 He's a great guy.

01:36:24.000 He's awesome.

01:36:24.000 Denny Propagos.

01:36:25.000 He runs 10th Planet Jiu Jitsu in San Francisco.

01:36:29.000 He's a young man, but he's also a master.

01:36:31.000 He's a developing master as he's getting better.

01:36:34.000 But he's really into yoga right now.

01:36:38.000 Yoga and meditation.

01:36:39.000 He had a few back issues, and he actually gave me some pointers.

01:36:44.000 Because I had a bulging disc in my back that's actually been getting better.

01:36:49.000 Yeah.

01:36:49.000 Denny went through some back issues himself, and he did a very strict regimen of yoga.

01:36:56.000 It was like a type of tension.

01:36:59.000 It's like a spinal decompression.

01:37:01.000 It's literally like pulling your neck while there's cord.

01:37:04.000 And he did this very disciplined over a course of five or six weeks or something like that and fixed his issue.

01:37:11.000 Denny has that quality, too.

01:37:12.000 You know, we were talking about how you can sense bad energy and, like, dangerous?

01:37:17.000 Denny, to me, has, like, just being around in a few moments, you sense, like, a type of balance.

01:37:24.000 I get the feeling from him that I do from a lot of people who are very disciplined.

01:37:28.000 There's a certain intensity to them, but there's also a certain amount...

01:37:31.000 You can feel their control at work.

01:37:35.000 They're such disciplined characters.

01:37:37.000 A lot of times, really good athletes, there's that energy that they bring into a room.

01:37:42.000 I know these guys that do triathlons and stuff.

01:37:46.000 They have this...

01:37:47.000 It's like a quiet intensity to them.

01:37:49.000 You meet them and you can feel their presence.

01:37:53.000 Their discipline comes through just when they speak to you.

01:37:57.000 Yeah, absolutely.

01:37:58.000 And they're the best type of people to be around.

01:38:00.000 The best type of people to be around.

01:38:02.000 Good influence.

01:38:02.000 People that have control.

01:38:04.000 Inspirational influence.

01:38:05.000 I agree.

01:38:06.000 I agree.

01:38:06.000 And Denny's definitely inspirational.

01:38:09.000 I love the fact that I've seen him as a young man.

01:38:14.000 I met him when he was very young.

01:38:15.000 I think he was like 17 or 18. And he was always a cool kid.

01:38:18.000 Even back then, he was great.

01:38:20.000 But to see him evolve and develop and become the man he is now...

01:38:24.000 I love seeing that, man.

01:38:25.000 I love seeing people progress.

01:38:28.000 I love seeing people get it together.

01:38:30.000 Like I was telling Tony Hinchcliffe the other day, I had him on the podcast.

01:38:34.000 And I was like, I love the fact that in the time I've known you, you became a really good comedian.

01:38:39.000 Sure.

01:38:40.000 I love that.

01:38:41.000 I love that.

01:38:42.000 I didn't know a guy.

01:38:42.000 He started out, and then I meet him a couple years later, and he's a great comedian.

01:38:46.000 Oh, look at this!

01:38:47.000 We got one right there.

01:38:47.000 It's pretty awesome.

01:38:48.000 It's fucking amazing.

01:38:49.000 He's great.

01:38:49.000 I love Tony, man.

01:38:51.000 He's hilarious.

01:38:52.000 So funny.

01:38:53.000 He's a total natural.

01:38:54.000 Yeah.

01:38:55.000 And the best comics are the ones that can't even help themselves.

01:38:58.000 Like, if a joke is in the room to be said, he just jumps on it.

01:39:02.000 He dives on it like a fucking grenade.

01:39:04.000 Yeah, absolutely.

01:39:05.000 I love that feeling with comics.

01:39:06.000 Yeah!

01:39:06.000 I love the, um, and I love seeing, like, I have so many friends who I started out with who I'm, like, proud of just watching them as my friends.

01:39:14.000 Yeah, absolutely.

01:39:15.000 You know, like, I brought, uh, you met Matt Fullstron.

01:39:18.000 Yeah!

01:39:19.000 I love that dude.

01:39:20.000 I mean, he can't help himself either.

01:39:22.000 What a great personality that guy has.

01:39:24.000 Matt Full Charge is the best.

01:39:26.000 When you're around him, he's got a legit smile, and then all of a sudden you're smiling, and he's a great guy.

01:39:33.000 There's certain guys like that, we only talked a little bit, but I could tell right away, he's awesome.

01:39:37.000 He's awesome.

01:39:39.000 He had the week off, and I asked him to come with to do the shows that I did.

01:39:44.000 To do Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday.

01:39:45.000 And he fucking brought the house down every set.

01:39:49.000 It was awesome.

01:39:49.000 Really?

01:39:49.000 Yeah.

01:39:50.000 He killed.

01:39:50.000 I would imagine he'd be really funny.

01:39:53.000 Anybody that came to the shows, Friday night and all the weekend, thank you very much.

01:39:57.000 You guys were awesome.

01:39:58.000 San Jose was the shit.

01:39:59.000 That was the shit.

01:40:00.000 Northern California might be the best place on earth.

01:40:03.000 It's awesome.

01:40:03.000 It really might be.

01:40:04.000 I mean, the weather's not the best.

01:40:06.000 It's not the best.

01:40:07.000 But as far as human beings, as far as intelligence, vibing with human beings, I think I vibe better with Northern California people than anybody on the planet.

01:40:15.000 Really?

01:40:15.000 I really do.

01:40:16.000 I have some friends that live up there, and whenever I go to hang with them, I always feel like, God damn it, why don't I live in Northern California?

01:40:22.000 It's awesome.

01:40:22.000 It's better.

01:40:23.000 Yeah.

01:40:23.000 You know, the weather sucks a fat dick, though.

01:40:26.000 Unless, you know, that's only a negative if you don't enjoy sucking fat dicks.

01:40:30.000 But if you enjoy sucking fat dicks, I'm just talking from my own personal perspective.

01:40:34.000 I'm not trying to be sexist nor homophobic.

01:40:36.000 Some of them are too big to really get in your mouth right.

01:40:39.000 Especially if it's like a demon dick or a big giant warthog.

01:40:42.000 The only ones that mouth fuck you.

01:40:43.000 That's not beyond the realm of possibility.

01:40:45.000 I watch a chimp fuck a frog.

01:40:47.000 You know, ever watch a chimp fuck a frog's face?

01:40:50.000 Um, no.

01:40:52.000 There's a video of it.

01:40:53.000 There's a video of it online.

01:40:54.000 Have you seen it?

01:40:54.000 See if you pull it up, Jamie.

01:40:56.000 I have seen pornos where I see the girl really struggle to get a guy's soft dick into her mouth, and I'm like, that's a big dick right there.

01:41:04.000 She's really struggling with his limp.

01:41:07.000 She's like...

01:41:08.000 Plus her mouth is all dry.

01:41:10.000 Wow, that's really fucking stretching out her mouth.

01:41:12.000 When you're on all that meth, it's tough to generate saliva.

01:41:16.000 Yeah, they have dry blowjobs that take too long.

01:41:19.000 Dry blowjobs take too long.

01:41:20.000 That's...

01:41:21.000 Oh, are we about to see this?

01:41:22.000 So this chimp rapes a frog.

01:41:24.000 He makes this frog suck him off.

01:41:26.000 So, because we know this exists, because we know that this chimp takes this frog and picks it up and puts it on his little chimp cock and fucks it, because we know that exists, I don't think it's that preposterous to propose that in an alternate world there could be a giant boar that makes you suck his cock.

01:41:44.000 Wow.

01:41:44.000 All he wants to do is hold a person down and fuck his face.

01:41:46.000 He's raping that mouth right now.

01:41:47.000 Yeah, he fucks it.

01:41:48.000 Yeah.

01:41:48.000 He fucks that frog.

01:41:49.000 And then Fleshlight was born.

01:41:50.000 Look at him.

01:41:51.000 And by the way, this is not the only time this has happened.

01:41:53.000 There's another video of a chimp fucking a frog.

01:41:55.000 Apparently when chimps get frogs, they fuck them.

01:41:58.000 That guy's beaten off using that frog.

01:42:01.000 This is some shit we never saw in Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom.

01:42:05.000 They would have edited this out.

01:42:07.000 We need the internet to give us this information.

01:42:09.000 Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom would have you believe that chimps are cute friends to be taken with on rides in semis, on sitcoms.

01:42:17.000 This is what they are.

01:42:19.000 Chimp is busted.

01:42:19.000 I respect this chimp.

01:42:20.000 They're murderous frog rapers.

01:42:22.000 To be fair, I bet it does feel pretty decent.

01:42:24.000 Don't you feel better about your own impulsive nature when you see that?

01:42:28.000 I would try a snake, though.

01:42:30.000 Cut off the head and fuck the snake.

01:42:32.000 Not a bad idea, but the hole.

01:42:33.000 You need a hole.

01:42:34.000 Frogs have a nice big hole.

01:42:36.000 You know, if you can keep them from clamping down on your cock and balls.

01:42:39.000 And I think that maybe chimps probably have a much more leathery cock skin.

01:42:43.000 I think that was the whole idea in the beginning.

01:42:46.000 You know, we had more leathery cock skin, and then that's why the head retracted, you have the sensitive tip, and that's what makes you shoot.

01:42:52.000 But the average cock back in the day was probably a lot tougher than the cocks of today.

01:42:57.000 These fucking dicks today, they can't take...

01:43:00.000 Branches snapping into them or rubbing up against gravel while you fucking try to climb up the rocks at the beach.

01:43:05.000 No, these cocks today are weak.

01:43:07.000 Yeah, because you would fuck winches and you wouldn't wash it off.

01:43:12.000 Winches?

01:43:13.000 Is that what they used to be called?

01:43:14.000 Winch.

01:43:15.000 Not a winch.

01:43:15.000 Winches?

01:43:16.000 You don't fuck a winch.

01:43:16.000 A winch is a thing you put on the back of a truck to pull a log out of a ditch.

01:43:20.000 That's a winch.

01:43:21.000 A winch is, I think, because I got in trouble for saying winches on Fear Factor.

01:43:27.000 Why?

01:43:27.000 Were they black ones?

01:43:28.000 No, I was trying to motivate a girl, and she was on an all-girls fear factor, and there was these other girls that were saying, don't do it, don't do it, because she was scared, and so they were trying to make her more scared, and I said, hey, I go, listen, listen to me, don't listen to those catty wenches.

01:43:43.000 Wow.

01:43:44.000 So what would a wench be today?

01:43:46.000 Like a hoe?

01:43:47.000 Yes.

01:43:47.000 Apparently, what they said, the reason why I got in trouble is because apparently a wench is like a prostitute.

01:43:53.000 I mean, we're talking medieval time, folks.

01:43:56.000 Okay?

01:43:56.000 Is that what it really means?

01:43:58.000 Doesn't it mean what it means in a cultural context?

01:44:01.000 In a cultural context where I grew up in Boston, a wench was a chick like, ah, he's a fucking wench.

01:44:07.000 It's like she was kind of a bitch.

01:44:09.000 She was like a little bitch.

01:44:10.000 Yeah.

01:44:10.000 I don't think they've had wenches in Ohio.

01:44:12.000 And so a catty wench would not be a prostitute.

01:44:15.000 It would be a chick that talks too fucking much and is trying to damage a young lady's confidence in completing a challenge for $50,000.

01:44:23.000 Wench.

01:44:24.000 Catty wench.

01:44:25.000 But people get all upset.

01:44:27.000 Or they got all upset.

01:44:28.000 And this was back in the day.

01:44:30.000 This is a fear factor like season two or something like that.

01:44:33.000 It's not like today.

01:44:34.000 If you said anything like that today, you'd probably get arrested.

01:44:38.000 You know, somebody tweeted that Ari said on his recent podcast, Punch Drunk, that he doesn't believe half the stories I say.

01:44:45.000 Half the stories you say?

01:44:47.000 Yeah.

01:44:47.000 And I'm like, how would I make that shit up?

01:44:52.000 It's merely because you're a little awkward.

01:44:55.000 Right.

01:44:56.000 A little.

01:44:57.000 But, yeah.

01:44:59.000 And you've been known to tell a story a bit on the exaggerating side.

01:45:05.000 To make it more exciting, maybe.

01:45:07.000 Occasionally.

01:45:08.000 But it doesn't mean that the meme is still real.

01:45:10.000 You're not a liar.

01:45:11.000 I really think you just need to follow me around to these massage parlors and stuff if they don't believe me.

01:45:16.000 Yeah, you also live an extraordinary life sexually that I'm sure he's not really able to deal with now.

01:45:23.000 I just hate that.

01:45:23.000 Because he knew you back in the day when you were kind of a zero.

01:45:27.000 I just hate that shit.

01:45:28.000 Now you're a hero.

01:45:29.000 I hate that shit.

01:45:30.000 I hate when, you know, stuff like that though.

01:45:32.000 Like, hey, if you really don't believe my stories, why don't you ask me?

01:45:36.000 Here's really what I think.

01:45:38.000 Why care?

01:45:39.000 Why does he care and why do you care?

01:45:41.000 You guys are friends.

01:45:42.000 What is that about?

01:45:43.000 It's an energy distraction.

01:45:47.000 It's not something to focus on for him or for you.

01:45:49.000 He shouldn't have focused on it.

01:45:50.000 You shouldn't have focused on it.

01:45:52.000 Sometimes you're on a podcast and you're ranting.

01:45:56.000 And he wants to keep it real.

01:45:57.000 And that's really what he thinks.

01:45:59.000 There's that too.

01:46:00.000 But it's unnecessary.

01:46:02.000 When you do that, especially with a friend, you put out a certain amount of energy.

01:46:07.000 You put out a certain thing.

01:46:08.000 You put it out there.

01:46:09.000 And then, okay, well then that has to be responded to.

01:46:12.000 Like it's being responded to now.

01:46:14.000 And he probably didn't even think about that when he did it.

01:46:16.000 But if he just said it, or if he just thought it, and then didn't say it, he'd be way better off.

01:46:21.000 Or if he wanted to talk to you about it, Just say, hey man, I just want to tell you.

01:46:27.000 Sometimes you tell stories and I think they're fucking...

01:46:29.000 I don't trust them.

01:46:31.000 Right.

01:46:31.000 And then I would say, what story, Ari?

01:46:34.000 Yeah.

01:46:35.000 But, you know, you do tell a squirrely story on occasion.

01:46:39.000 Tell me one.

01:46:40.000 I can't remember.

01:46:40.000 Because I could have people that were involved in the story there.

01:46:44.000 No, no, no, no.

01:46:44.000 Listen.

01:46:45.000 Okay, well, that's even more ridiculous because you're saying you've never exaggerated or told the story a little squirrely.

01:46:50.000 I would have to have an example.

01:46:52.000 You dunked in high school?

01:46:54.000 No, never did it.

01:46:55.000 I'm saying, as an example, I would probably be prone to saying something like, yeah, that girl was fucking hot, man.

01:47:03.000 She was an LA-10.

01:47:04.000 When maybe she was a 7 or 8. Nothing wrong with that.

01:47:08.000 Nothing wrong with that.

01:47:09.000 Slight exaggerations.

01:47:10.000 I appreciate it when someone tells me the truth.

01:47:13.000 Like, Ari would tell me the truth.

01:47:14.000 I'd go, what did she look like?

01:47:15.000 He'd go, LA6. Maybe.

01:47:18.000 Right.

01:47:19.000 Maybe.

01:47:19.000 Right.

01:47:21.000 He wouldn't say, oh, she was a 10. She's the greatest piece of ass ever.

01:47:25.000 You know, everybody appreciates that more than they appreciate exaggeration.

01:47:29.000 Because exaggeration, although I enjoy it, like Joey Diaz-style exaggeration is the greatest fucking thing on earth.

01:47:35.000 Absolutely.

01:47:35.000 I mean, so in a way, it's hypocritical to say you don't enjoy exaggeration.

01:47:38.000 It's just saying you don't enjoy...

01:47:40.000 But, you know, Joey also tells a very honest story as well with the crazy exaggerations that you know are for comedic effect.

01:47:47.000 I mean, it's like part of the fun of it all.

01:47:49.000 But that's also part of, like, each of these people's nature.

01:47:53.000 Yeah.

01:47:54.000 Like, Ari is a guy who, he's not like, oh, I'm gonna add all this little spice to the story.

01:47:59.000 He doesn't like it when you do it either, man.

01:48:01.000 He's very specific.

01:48:02.000 Yeah.

01:48:03.000 He doesn't want you to bullshit him.

01:48:04.000 Because he's not a bullshitter.

01:48:05.000 But that's his own trip, too.

01:48:07.000 You know, his own trip is that he's very, like, focused and ambitious now.

01:48:10.000 And he doesn't want to hear any nonsense.

01:48:12.000 You know?

01:48:12.000 And that's because he's on a great groove right now.

01:48:15.000 He doesn't want anything getting hijacked.

01:48:17.000 Yeah.

01:48:18.000 Whether it's his time hijacked with a fake story or someone giving him a fake impression of what happened.

01:48:24.000 Another guy who you've witnessed make a huge crazy leap.

01:48:28.000 Dude, we were with Ari when Ari was first starting at the store.

01:48:32.000 I think when Ari came to the store, I hate that I don't know this, but I don't know if he started out.

01:48:36.000 I think he started out his first sets in DC, right?

01:48:40.000 I don't know.

01:48:41.000 I don't know.

01:48:41.000 I think.

01:48:42.000 But then when he came over to DC Improv, right?

01:48:45.000 Because I remember him having a hard time for them taking him seriously.

01:48:49.000 Did you say Baltimore?

01:48:50.000 I thought he was from Baltimore, Maryland.

01:48:52.000 No, he's from Washington, D.C. It's close enough.

01:48:55.000 He's close, but he's not from Baltimore.

01:48:56.000 No, he's from Washington, D.C. He's from Maryland.

01:49:00.000 I mean, D.C. and Maryland, they're right next to each other.

01:49:03.000 And Virginia's right there, too.

01:49:05.000 Anyway, point being, he came over here when he was fairly new to comedy.

01:49:10.000 But he was a really smart dude.

01:49:12.000 He was always a smart dude.

01:49:13.000 We became friends immediately.

01:49:15.000 He was a young kid hanging out at the comedy store.

01:49:18.000 I remember at first, he was like...

01:49:22.000 Everybody's weird around people that are already successful when you're an amateur.

01:49:26.000 You can't believe you're allowed to even talk to them.

01:49:28.000 You get weird.

01:49:29.000 But then once you get past that weirdness, you realize, oh, that's just Tommy Lawrence.

01:49:36.000 What's his name?

01:49:37.000 What's the fucking guy from In Living Color?

01:49:39.000 Tommy Davis.

01:49:42.000 Confusing with Joey Lawrence for some reason.

01:49:44.000 Because the first time I saw Joey Lawrence was one of the first celebrities I ever saw.

01:49:47.000 I was on the set of News Radio and Joey Lawrence had his show right next to our show.

01:49:52.000 He had his Mercedes there and he had his leg outside the car and he's singing along to his own song.

01:49:59.000 And I was like...

01:50:01.000 I showed up and I was kind of starstruck.

01:50:03.000 I was like, holy shit, that's Joey Lawrence.

01:50:05.000 That's Joey Lawrence singing his own music by his own car.

01:50:09.000 Tommy Davidson was another one.

01:50:11.000 I remember first talking to Tommy Davidson at the comedy store.

01:50:13.000 Tommy Davidson was like, hey man, what's going on, man?

01:50:15.000 He didn't know who the fuck I was.

01:50:17.000 I was nobody.

01:50:19.000 When I first came to the store, I might have been a paid regular, but I might not have even been a paid regular yet.

01:50:24.000 And then I realized, oh, Tommy Davis is just a comic, you know?

01:50:27.000 Like, we're all just comics.

01:50:28.000 Sure.

01:50:28.000 And then I always tried to be the same way with guys, young guys.

01:50:33.000 Like, young guys coming up.

01:50:34.000 I always tried to make sure I let them all know, like, we're all just the same fucking thing.

01:50:39.000 Just because that's Tim Allen.

01:50:40.000 Just because you see George Carlin over there.

01:50:42.000 He's a comic.

01:50:43.000 They're comics.

01:50:43.000 Everybody's cool here.

01:50:44.000 You know, this is a cool environment.

01:50:45.000 Yeah.

01:50:46.000 And Ari was like one of the first guys that I saw go from being like, you know, like an open miker to like a fucking legit headliner, like a real headliner who comes up with an hour's worth of new shit every year.

01:50:58.000 It's pretty crazy.

01:50:59.000 He's a bad motherfucker.

01:51:00.000 Yeah.

01:51:00.000 He was great at your thing for your dog.

01:51:03.000 He was killing us both, man.

01:51:04.000 Yeah, it was really funny.

01:51:06.000 We were in the back just fucking howling.

01:51:07.000 It's so important to have good comedy, man.

01:51:10.000 Without good comedy, our life would not be nearly as interesting, man.

01:51:14.000 It wouldn't be as interesting to perform because you'd be looking around at all this other stuff and you wouldn't be enjoying yourself.

01:51:20.000 It wouldn't be as interesting to watch.

01:51:23.000 Of course, your fucking clock is not right, Brian.

01:51:26.000 Of course not.

01:51:26.000 The thing meows, but it's an hour behind you, fuck.

01:51:30.000 Looking at your clock, I'm like, why do I have to pee so bad?

01:51:32.000 I haven't even been sitting here that long.

01:51:35.000 I'm going to take a piss.

01:51:37.000 And don't let him talk about anything too silly when I'm gone.

01:51:39.000 Okay.

01:51:40.000 Hey, no silliness, Brian.

01:51:44.000 So, Tommy, we should talk about your podcast.

01:51:46.000 You just...

01:51:47.000 You just...

01:51:51.000 Alright, let's talk about something really silly.

01:51:53.000 Okay.

01:51:54.000 Oh my god, I got the silliest thing.

01:51:56.000 Poop update?

01:51:57.000 May 2nd I'm in Toronto and I'm doing this show at the Underground Comedy Club and then May 17th I'm in Portland and At the Fun House Lounge.

01:52:07.000 And we added a second show at 10.30.

01:52:10.000 How silly is that?

01:52:11.000 All right.

01:52:12.000 I'm going to be in May 3rd.

01:52:13.000 I'm going to be in Sacramento.

01:52:14.000 And then May 4th, I'm going to be in Sacramento.

01:52:16.000 And May 5th, I'm going to be at Cobbs in San Francisco.

01:52:18.000 And I'm bringing Sam Tripoli and Tony Hinchcliffe.

01:52:21.000 Oh, this is silly.

01:52:22.000 And you know what?

01:52:23.000 I was wondering...

01:52:24.000 Because you've been doing some shows with your lovely wife, Christina Pajewski.

01:52:29.000 Pajewski, yes.

01:52:29.000 And how did that go?

01:52:31.000 Do you see a future of you guys doing on the road a lot now?

01:52:34.000 That's what we're doing the 17th and 18th.

01:52:36.000 It has to be great.

01:52:37.000 We're doing Portland and Seattle.

01:52:39.000 Bro, together.

01:52:40.000 Yeah, man.

01:52:40.000 That's awesome.

01:52:41.000 Yeah, dude.

01:52:42.000 It's going to be awesome.

01:52:43.000 See, this is a silly conversation.

01:52:45.000 And your dog Theo is now better.

01:52:47.000 Theo's coming with us.

01:52:48.000 Are you really?

01:52:49.000 Yes, absolutely.

01:52:50.000 And he's doing much better.

01:52:52.000 Thanks again for doing the show, man.

01:52:54.000 It was awesome for you.

01:52:55.000 Yeah, that was really cool, man.

01:52:56.000 Actually, I met somebody from a bunch of people from Cartoon Network because of that.

01:53:00.000 Really?

01:53:00.000 Yeah.

01:53:01.000 What do you mean?

01:53:01.000 They were at the show?

01:53:02.000 They were at the show and they were like, oh, you were great.

01:53:04.000 And I'm going to go check out Cartoon Network Studios pretty soon.

01:53:07.000 And Maybe possibly pitch an idea to them.

01:53:10.000 That's a good idea, buddy.

01:53:11.000 Me and Joey Diaz's cats, maybe.

01:53:13.000 Oh!

01:53:15.000 I've got to talk to you about doing some shows that I think you would find fun and entertaining.

01:53:25.000 What are those?

01:53:27.000 No, dude, I don't believe in rabbits that talk.

01:53:30.000 Dude, rabbits that talk have been featured in many cartoons.

01:53:32.000 That's the stupidest shit I've ever heard.

01:53:34.000 You believe ducks, but you don't believe rabbits.

01:53:36.000 No.

01:53:36.000 That's silly.

01:53:37.000 Rabbits don't talk.

01:53:38.000 They eat carrots.

01:53:39.000 Actually, I was really stoned, and I was reading about Who Framed Roger Rabbit, and how they edited out all these, like, the artist, like, you know, there's a scene where Jessica Rabbit pops out of the taxi, and you can see her vagina, and there's a few other scenes where, like, a baby looks up a dress, and there's drool coming out of the baby's mouth.

01:53:55.000 What's that guy's name?

01:53:56.000 Really?

01:53:57.000 Really?

01:53:58.000 Robert Fleischer?

01:53:59.000 No, the actor that's opposite Jessica Rabbit.

01:54:04.000 You know what I'm talking about?

01:54:06.000 Bob...

01:54:06.000 No.

01:54:08.000 Haskins?

01:54:10.000 Bob Hoskins.

01:54:11.000 Yeah, you're right.

01:54:11.000 Hoskins.

01:54:12.000 So then I found out that the only version that you can find that part in the movie is on a Laserdisc version, and there's only one version of that Laserdisc, and so I went on eBay and bought it for $4.

01:54:21.000 Do you have a laser player?

01:54:22.000 I do, in Ohio.

01:54:24.000 Do you have to go back to Ohio to get it?

01:54:25.000 Yeah, to get it just so I can see her vagina.

01:54:28.000 How do you buy a laser player?

01:54:29.000 Because it's not like turntables.

01:54:31.000 They still have turntables.

01:54:32.000 Right.

01:54:32.000 No, it's like literally the ones that are out there are the only ones that exist.

01:54:36.000 What's cool about the one I got is I got this really high tech like five disc changer slash laser disc player and I was like, this is like the best.

01:54:44.000 It was on clearance for some reason and then like two months later a DVD came out.

01:54:48.000 I was like, oh, goodbye.

01:54:48.000 Isn't it kind of fucked up that the real sound people, the sound freaks, say that music played over a record sounds the best?

01:54:57.000 Yes.

01:54:57.000 LaserDisc is better than DVD, but yet everyone went crazy on DVDs.

01:55:00.000 Is it way better?

01:55:01.000 Is it better than Blu-ray, though?

01:55:02.000 No, it's not better than Blu-ray.

01:55:03.000 Then suck it!

01:55:04.000 There's no argument there.

01:55:06.000 Suck!

01:55:06.000 Unless you have a laptop made by Apple who can't work out a deal with Sony.

01:55:11.000 I feel so weak when I see a fucking PC user whip out his Bluetooth or Blu-ray.

01:55:16.000 Bluetooth?

01:55:17.000 The Blu-ray players are in all the PC laptops?

01:55:20.000 Yeah, a lot of PC laptops have Blu-ray players.

01:55:22.000 Don't you Apple fanboy on me, you fuck!

01:55:23.000 I'm just saying, none of the laptops today have DVD players in them.

01:55:27.000 Because that's Blu-rays.

01:55:28.000 The only ones that don't are Apple ones.

01:55:30.000 Well, they're actually taking them out of most laptops nowadays.

01:55:33.000 You take them out?

01:55:34.000 Wait, why would you take them out?

01:55:35.000 Why would I take them out?

01:55:36.000 You take them out?

01:55:37.000 Is that what you said?

01:55:37.000 No, no, no.

01:55:38.000 Modern laptops, like PC laptops.

01:55:40.000 I'm not up on that, but I did, when I was at my friend, the Google friend's house, I did see the Google laptop with the Chrome operating system.

01:55:47.000 I got to play with that.

01:55:48.000 Touchscreen laptop.

01:55:50.000 Yeah, but it's all non-local.

01:55:52.000 Everything's like stored in the cloud.

01:55:54.000 That's a horrible idea.

01:55:54.000 Ugh.

01:55:55.000 That's what supposedly the next Xbox is supposed to be, where you don't buy games.

01:55:59.000 All your games are on a cloud.

01:56:00.000 So you can only play if you have an internet connection, which drives me fucking crazy.

01:56:04.000 Can you imagine sitting there going, I just want to play video games.

01:56:06.000 There's a storm.

01:56:07.000 What the fuck?

01:56:09.000 That's ridiculous.

01:56:10.000 You should be able to play if you're camping.

01:56:11.000 If you're camping, you set up a generator.

01:56:13.000 You shouldn't have to hook a fucking internet connection to it through your cell phone.

01:56:17.000 No.

01:56:19.000 Imagine camping and you can't get away from your Xbox.

01:56:21.000 I'm such a second generation guy for that too.

01:56:24.000 I like people to buy that first one that needs all the work and then come through in the second.

01:56:30.000 Not me, my friend.

01:56:31.000 Yeah, I know.

01:56:31.000 You get everything.

01:56:33.000 I love your dedication to seeing the Jessica Rabbit snatch.

01:56:36.000 One of the...

01:56:57.000 Oh wow.

01:56:58.000 Dude, wait till you see this show.

01:57:00.000 This show, I'm getting to do so much cool shit, and most of it I can't talk about because I can't give away any secrets or any of the things that we found out.

01:57:06.000 But it's so much fun.

01:57:08.000 It's been really interesting because I'm getting to talk to all these experts.

01:57:12.000 I'm getting to talk to all these interesting, intelligent people and crazy people, too.

01:57:18.000 It's been a couple of months so far, or a couple of weeks, rather.

01:57:22.000 And in a couple of weeks, I've had so much fun, man.

01:57:24.000 I believe 100% in the simulation theory.

01:57:27.000 It's getting worse and worse and worse.

01:57:28.000 Why do you say that?

01:57:29.000 Like last night, I've been having problems with my website, so I call a dream host who serves it, and it's like 5 in the morning.

01:57:36.000 This girl lives in California.

01:57:38.000 She works from her house, and she's just helping me out.

01:57:41.000 And she wants to get your freak on?

01:57:43.000 Well, it's kind of funny you said that.

01:57:44.000 So I was watching this movie, Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie.

01:57:50.000 Ain't nobody got time for that.

01:57:51.000 Huh?

01:57:51.000 Nobody's got time for that.

01:57:52.000 And so in the movie, they're in this mall.

01:57:56.000 And I always find places that have closed down interesting.

01:57:58.000 This whole mall is actually a real mall that's in Palm Springs and whatever.

01:58:02.000 So I'm researching this mall while I'm on hold trying to get to talk to this girl.

01:58:06.000 And I found out there's all these pictures of this big Marilyn Monroe statue where they took two parts of Marilyn Monroe and put it in front of this mall.

01:58:14.000 Somehow it came up with Google search.

01:58:15.000 And I'm just looking at this crazy Marilyn Monroe thing.

01:58:18.000 And then so I'm talking to this girl and the next day today I noticed that she follows me on Twitter or somebody from DreamHosts follows me on Twitter who's a girl and she writes me.

01:58:29.000 She's like, you got somebody on your side.

01:58:30.000 I'm helping you out right now.

01:58:31.000 I'm checking in and trying to help your website out.

01:58:33.000 So is her.

01:58:34.000 Direct message.

01:58:35.000 So I go through her photos because I'm going to see what she looks like.

01:58:38.000 One, she's a pretty Asian.

01:58:40.000 I'm like, wow.

01:58:40.000 So you started following her after she was following you?

01:58:42.000 Following me, right.

01:58:42.000 So I went through and I'm like, wow, she's a pretty Asian girl.

01:58:45.000 Like the fourth photo is her in front of that fucking Marilyn Monroe statue.

01:58:50.000 Never seen it my whole entire life.

01:58:52.000 And now this girl that's helping me out, this Asian girl that's helping me out on DreamHost.

01:58:55.000 Will you guys get shrimp therapy together?

01:58:58.000 In the next picture, if you backed up one further, you would see her fingering herself with a desk quad t-shirt on.

01:59:03.000 That's right, yeah.

01:59:04.000 The whole time.

01:59:05.000 I hope so.

01:59:06.000 This whole time that she's actually the one that hacked my computer.

01:59:09.000 Have you seen the pictures of Ronda Rousey with the Death Squad t-shirt on?

01:59:12.000 Yeah.

01:59:12.000 No.

01:59:12.000 This is the fucking coolest thing ever, man.

01:59:14.000 That's very cool.

01:59:15.000 Seeing Ronda Rousey giving the thumbs up, the baddest chick on the planet.

01:59:19.000 Yeah.

01:59:19.000 But by the way, there's a lot of badass chicks on the planet.

01:59:22.000 There's a gang of them, man.

01:59:24.000 There's some skillful women out there.

01:59:26.000 There's so many of them.

01:59:27.000 This new fight that they have, the new episode of The Ultimate Fighter, With this girl Kat Zingano and Ronda Rousey together.

01:59:36.000 Look at that.

01:59:37.000 That's awesome.

01:59:37.000 She's so happy to be wearing it.

01:59:38.000 You know what?

01:59:38.000 She's so nice, man.

01:59:40.000 She wants to come on the podcast again, too.

01:59:41.000 She's going to be on somewhere after the beginning of May.

01:59:46.000 And look how badass she is.

01:59:47.000 She has a fucking bed in her kitchen.

01:59:50.000 That's the way to do it.

01:59:51.000 Yeah, well, you know, she probably lives in a studio.

01:59:54.000 I mean, this is probably the same place.

01:59:57.000 She's one of those chicks that probably wants to keep it real, too.

01:59:59.000 I think, well, I don't want to say where she lives, but she's awesome.

02:00:03.000 She'll be back here again.

02:00:04.000 But she's fighting Kat Zingano, and they're going to coach against each other on The Ultimate Fighter.

02:00:09.000 And Kat Zingano just beat Misha Tate, who's another beautiful, dangerous girl.

02:00:15.000 And Kat Zingano, too.

02:00:16.000 They're all, like, Pretty girls that can beat the fuck out of you.

02:00:19.000 It's really kind of scary.

02:00:20.000 But this Zingano chick is a beast, man.

02:00:23.000 She's so badass.

02:00:26.000 Her and Misha Tate fought, and the combination that she finished her with, dude, pull it up.

02:00:32.000 Kat Zingano versus Misha Tate.

02:00:34.000 The female fight, dude, I was watching it at my friend Aubrey's place.

02:00:38.000 Mm-hmm.

02:00:39.000 We're good to go.

02:00:58.000 It was chaos.

02:00:59.000 These girls were going off on each other, dude.

02:01:02.000 I mean, it seriously might have been one of the most entertaining fights I've ever seen in my life.

02:01:06.000 That's awesome.

02:01:06.000 You've got to see the finish.

02:01:08.000 Just look up the finish.

02:01:09.000 The whole fight was great.

02:01:11.000 And, you know, Misha Tate came really close to getting her in a heel hook.

02:01:14.000 There was, like, dominant grappling exchanges.

02:01:17.000 And, yeah, you don't want to watch all this stuff.

02:01:19.000 No, it's...

02:01:21.000 Although the actual fight parts are cut off YouTube, but I think they have, like, highlights right here.

02:01:25.000 Oh, yeah.

02:01:25.000 This is...

02:01:26.000 So they're showing you the highlight...

02:01:30.000 You don't have to play all this stuff because I hope it doesn't get us pulled off of YouTube or something like that.

02:01:36.000 But I probably won't.

02:01:38.000 I mean, I don't imagine it would.

02:01:39.000 Here, I'll just do picture and picture.

02:01:40.000 Did you just show the video?

02:01:41.000 Yeah, they beat the fuck out of each other, man.

02:01:44.000 It was nasty.

02:01:45.000 I mean, it was like such a tightly, tightly contested fight.

02:01:48.000 And really, Misha Tate was probably getting the better of it on the scorecards.

02:01:53.000 But the end of it...

02:01:54.000 Zingano hits her with that elbow and drops her, and referee Kim Winslow stops the fight.

02:01:58.000 She's a badass, man.

02:02:00.000 You remember the flying knee this week?

02:02:01.000 This is what excites me.

02:02:03.000 It's not that they're girls anymore.

02:02:05.000 It's now they're really highly skilled fighters.

02:02:09.000 They're not just women.

02:02:11.000 It's not just like, hey, girls can do it too.

02:02:13.000 It's like, no, these chicks are badass.

02:02:16.000 They're not half-assing it.

02:02:17.000 They're all going for it.

02:02:18.000 Sure.

02:02:18.000 And now that Ronda Rousey has become so famous, it's like this is going to open the door to so many female athletes that have never even considered it before.

02:02:26.000 You start looking at it and you go, you know what?

02:02:27.000 I always wanted to kick a bitch's ass.

02:02:29.000 Yeah.

02:02:31.000 Strap them on.

02:02:32.000 It's going to happen.

02:02:33.000 The show starts in 15 minutes.

02:02:35.000 Indeed it does, Brian.

02:02:36.000 And we would know much better if you had a fucking clock that was more accurate.

02:02:41.000 Oh, shit.

02:02:41.000 Silly bitch.

02:02:42.000 How dare you, you silly bitch.

02:02:46.000 Powerful kitty cat clock.

02:02:48.000 Tommy Segura.

02:02:49.000 Yo.

02:02:49.000 You are the champ.

02:02:50.000 Thanks for having me.

02:02:51.000 You're one of the greatest humans I've ever met on my planet.

02:02:53.000 Thanks, buddy.

02:02:53.000 You're a sweetheart, too, buddy.

02:02:55.000 I'm honored to be your friend.

02:02:56.000 Me, too, man.

02:02:57.000 You guys are the best.

02:02:57.000 I love coming on your show.

02:02:58.000 It's a lot of fun.

02:02:59.000 Well, we love you, too, as well, my friend.

02:03:01.000 And together, we are stronger.

02:03:04.000 We are.

02:03:04.000 We're like Genghis Khan.

02:03:06.000 We take one arrow, okay?

02:03:08.000 And you bring it in front of his troop and snap it.

02:03:09.000 Then you take a bundle of arrows.

02:03:12.000 And he couldn't snap it.

02:03:13.000 Yeah.

02:03:13.000 Just to let the troops know, together we are strong.

02:03:16.000 Together we are strong.

02:03:17.000 But divided, we are weak.

02:03:19.000 That's true.

02:03:21.000 And I talked about this with you, and I talked about it with Christina a lot.

02:03:24.000 It was such a cool thing to have all of you, just as friends, come out and do our fundraiser for the dog.

02:03:31.000 It was just such a cool feeling for us to have all this support of you guys as friends just wanting to do it.

02:03:37.000 And then the crowd that night was just...

02:03:39.000 They were magic.

02:03:40.000 They're magic.

02:03:41.000 We love you guys, man.

02:03:42.000 It was awesome, man.

02:03:43.000 I couldn't love you any more than I do.

02:03:44.000 You're awesome.

02:03:45.000 We appreciate it.

02:03:46.000 We really appreciate it.

02:03:47.000 And we appreciate you too, man.

02:03:49.000 Look, we're all lucky.

02:03:50.000 We're all lucky bitches.

02:03:51.000 We're all lucky that we know each other and we've got a good group of people.

02:03:55.000 We're going to keep this party rolling, freaks.

02:03:56.000 Since there was no commercial coming in, there's none coming out.

02:04:01.000 Sockets!

02:04:02.000 Holla at your boy!

02:04:03.000 Holla!

02:04:05.000 Jihad.

02:04:06.000 Hare Krishna.

02:04:07.000 God bless Duncan Trussell.

02:04:08.000 We love the fuck out of you all.

02:04:10.000 We all are one.

02:04:11.000 Together.

02:04:12.000 One for all.

02:04:12.000 Something like Robin Hood said.

02:04:14.000 Peace to the gods.

02:04:15.000 I'm Segura.com.

02:04:16.000 We love the shit out of you guys.

02:04:17.000 We'll see you Monday with Amy Schumer.

02:04:18.000 Powerful Amy Schumer.

02:04:20.000 See ya.

02:04:21.000 Love ya.

02:04:33.000 Thank you.

The Joe Rogan Experience - April 24, 2013

Joe Rogan Experience #352 - Tom Segura

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