In this episode of the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast, Joe talks about his recent trip to Alaska, and how much he's getting paid to go fishing in the wilds of the Alaskan tundra. He also talks about how he's going to go to Alaska with his friend Ari Shafir, and what it's like to fly across the frozen tributary of the Bering Sea to do so. And he talks about a new invention he's been working on for a while, and why he thinks it's a good idea to give it a go. Also, he explains why he doesn't want to get married until he's 40 years old, because he's too old to have a serious relationship with his wife, and because he doesn t want her to know that he's gay. And he also explains why it's time for him to get a dog. This episode is brought to you by Hover, a website that allows you to register and manage your domain names online. Go get 10% off your first purchase using the promo code: JOGANEXPERIENCY. at checkout, and you get a discount code of your choice! You can also get 20% off any purchase of $99 or more, and a free shipping when you enter the JORGANEXCLUSIVE offer code JORANEX at checkout. . J.Rogan is a stand-up comedy show that's coming up in June 14th and 15th, June 26th and 27th, at the Burton Cummings Theatre in Winnipeg, Winnipeg, Canada. J.O.R. JORR.K.E. JORN is coming up on June 14, and 26th, in Anchorage, Alaska, AKA AKA, Alaska. I'm at the Bear 2 Pub & Grill in Anchorage AKA. JOB ROGAN is coming to the Bear2 Theatre in June 26, AK, AK. and they're going to do a fishing trip in Alaska on June 27, AK! JOB is going to fly out to Alaska on the 28th, AKAN AKAN, AK AKAN! I hope you enjoy this episode. -JOBJOB is a show, JOB! JOBJORN - JOBAN EXPERIY! -ROGAN EPISODE - I'm JOB JOB'S PODCAST and JOBRAN EXCUSSION
00:01:36.000I won't tell you what the domains are because if I have some controversial domain out there and you're like, who is writing this crazy shit?
00:02:13.000Well, it's because if you wanted, you know, people to not know that DickPartyInMyMouth.com was your website, I think that would make sense.
00:02:20.000Goddamn, I want to know what yours is.
00:03:45.000Like, you go up there and you never look at nature the same.
00:03:48.000You see animals that you didn't know exist.
00:03:50.000Yeah, my friends who've been there, like my hunter friends that have been there, they say it's like, you have to go there.
00:03:55.000You have to go there once in your life just to see this unexplored...
00:03:58.000Literally, you might go somewhere where a human's never been.
00:04:03.000Like, it's possible to do that still in Alaska.
00:04:05.000Like, if you really want to get crazy and take a plane and fly two hours out and just land somewhere, it's very likely no one's ever been there.
00:07:23.000We sell foods and supplements and fitness equipment and exercise DVDs, all stuff that we approve, that we enjoy, stuff that I feel is beneficial for fitness, for your strength and conditioning, for your mental clarity,
00:07:39.000for even new mood, which actually boosts your mood, elevates your serotonin levels, healthy and natural.
00:07:46.000But you're not supposed to take it if you're on SSRIs, because SSRIs essentially do a chemical version of the same idea.
00:08:54.000I find it's pretty obvious when I take it.
00:08:58.0005-HTP I first found out about because of Neil Brennan who told me he was taking like fucking ridiculous amounts of it and he was going off and I don't know if he does it anymore because I think he's on some other stuff too and so you're not supposed to do both of them at the same time but it's interesting stuff look into it though like always if you're interested in taking any sort of supplement that boosts this or jacks up that or any of that stuff look into it because there's controversy behind it you know But I can tell you that everything that we have on Onnit is something
00:09:28.000that either I use, or I would use, or I buy, or something that I feel is beneficial.
00:09:56.000And two, because it makes it more bioavailable.
00:09:58.000I still have to, you know, I believe him, but I still have to look into it myself.
00:10:02.000I've heard so many people say great things about the benefits of kale shakes, but I also heard what you talked about that one time about the bacteria, like fungal growth, similar to what he was talking about.
00:12:40.000She had a secret, and the secret was that she's a fake paraplegic.
00:12:43.000She went around in a wheelchair pretending to have a spinal cord injury, fooling everyone.
00:12:49.000You think you know weird people in your life, and then you read about these randoms that it's like, that's beyond anything the craziest, weirdest people I know could comprehend.
00:14:09.000I said when you have sex with like a really, really like A girl that's just so good in bed, I go, all I want to do, I go, I want to enjoy it, but I just want to say, like, which uncle do I have to thank for this?
00:15:08.000She goes, oh, and we start talking, and the next thing you know, her grandfather molested her and all this stuff, and she became a prostitute.
00:15:48.000And having a drink and she said – I said, I'm looking for a place in New York, like a room to rent just because I go back and forth from LA to New York.
00:15:56.000She goes, why don't you come live with me?
00:15:57.000And I'm like, I don't want to share a room with you.
00:17:25.000That kind of money, that's a weird reality, you know, when you have, like, trillions of dollars.
00:17:31.000Like, there's people who are, like, I think as far as private wealth is concerned, like, what we know and you see, like, the richest man in the world.
00:21:20.000I'm not telling you who he is, but he left and I never saw him again that night.
00:21:25.000And we heard a story, he ended up like in the bus station, he was buying crack, he was in a bus station, but he's been fired from every radio station.
00:23:49.000I mean, these guys to this day that I'll never forget, you know, and these are a couple of guys I still work for that tried to fuck me, and they didn't get away with fucking me, but I know the fact that they tried to, and it's like, come on, man.
00:23:59.000You know, lies about how many tickets are sold and you find out, or, you know, there's clubs that, there's a famous story of a guy on stage at a club, and he makes everybody in the club count off a number.
00:24:14.000I'm like, well, first of all, what a douchebag he is to use his stage time to find out if he's getting fucked financially.
00:24:22.000But the fucking, it was 200 seats under what he thought it was.
00:24:27.000Like, he looked out and he's like, this is not 300 fucking seats, man.
00:26:36.000It's a seafood restaurant in Florida, and the guy brings in the big, big names, and Drew Carey just did it recently, and this guy knows how to market.
00:26:48.000He's in this little island in Florida called Marco Island, and he packs this seafood place, and he sells everyone a dinner, and he's moving up near Naples to a 650-seat location that possibly, if they move the chairs right, they can put 1,100 in.
00:27:08.000Because there was a comic who got in trouble recently, like, got in trouble down there, and the cops were after him, and he stood by him.
00:27:15.000And the other night, I got in a bit of an altercation at his club, and I thought he wasn't there, and I called him the next day to kind of say...
00:28:33.000They're expected to be wild and crazy, but I know a band, which were main Stone Temple Pilots, and they were hired for a birthday party of a friend of mine, Dana White.
00:28:42.000And I was there while that Scott guy, the lead guy, was throwing a fucking temper tantrum in the back about the show has to start in X amount of minutes or they're fucking leaving and fuck this and fuck that.
00:31:39.000He just walked around going, you got drugs, you got drugs, you got drugs.
00:31:44.000I hung out with that dude from Friday last night, the big guy that looks like Ving Rhames but one of his eyes is like silver and stuff like that.
00:32:48.000These doctors who went to the same university I went to and we started talking and they came back the next night and they were talking to me and something came up about drugs and they were like, oh, you really don't do cocaine?
00:34:27.000They work – I'll go buy them a round and say goodnight.
00:34:30.000So I go in to buy them a round of drinks and the bartender kind of loses it, this chick, that it's 1.30 and she's like, ah, last call or whatever.
00:34:40.000And I said, I just want to get them a drink.
00:34:41.000And she – they said, I thought you'd stay open until 2. It's always open until 2. She started yelling at them, and she was being really cunty to every single person.
00:34:52.000And I like to think I'm good with people.
00:34:54.000So I went around the bar and called her to the side to be nice to her and say, hey, I know you might be having a bad night, that kind of thing.
00:35:16.000And then it just started to get more and more heated where she just was like, Berating me like just and it wasn't it wasn't like this Daniel Tosh like ha ha ha I'm joking kind of thing it was she was just being a cunt to me and I went like this at the end she goes so do you want your limes now and I go no I don't I don't want the limes I don't want anything from you I go because you're a horrible person I go – and I don't say that to anyone.
00:36:31.000And so I'm out in the parking lot, and all of a sudden two guys that work in the back of the kitchen come running out at me, and they come like running at me.
00:36:40.000And I know there were cops in the parking lot.
00:38:00.000I mean – Well, that sounds like a coke move, and you are in Florida.
00:38:06.000I mean, to talk some shit and make up a story about you being an MMA fighter, what if the guy was like, who do you fight for?
00:38:12.000I was doing anything to save myself from fighting, because I was like, I do not want to fight these two guys, because my thing is, I never want to go to jail.
00:38:48.000And he's a funny guy and he was on Last Comic Standing and he's got a show on MTV. But Jeff, they were at some bar after the show and they stole a jersey, like framed jersey off the wall.
00:40:01.000It was something like Tony, if you know Tony's comedy, it's very sarcastic, very dry, very like, almost like Jeffrey Ross, The Burn, because that's what he does for a living, he writes for it.
00:40:13.000And he said something like, he was having like a weird set, and then Tony said something like, you know, like, I know I'm a great comedian, so fuck you, or something like that, like sarcastic.
00:40:23.000And Jeff started like tweeting things like, Tony, your ego this, or something like that.
00:42:40.000Yeah, I've always, whenever I feel anger towards a comedian, I always try to look at myself and say, am I angry at them or am I angry at myself because I'm not doing what they're doing?
00:42:49.000Am I angry because I don't have the sitcom?
00:42:50.000Am I angry because I'm not doing that festival?
00:44:02.000It's like one of the things that comes up when you're developing an act and developing an audience.
00:44:07.000It's like when you first go on stage, like the first years, like the first 10 plus years of your comedy career, most likely the people have no idea who the fuck you are.
00:44:15.000And so you, although you might have your own shit that you would like to talk about, you gotta, like, get into their head first with some fairly neutral or homogenous or confidence-building stuff so that then you can take them into deeper waters once they already like you.
00:44:32.000So it will take, like, a lot longer to, like, get to it.
00:44:36.000You know, so there's, like, there's a benefit, like, as a comic to that, and that benefit is that you're learning how to craft material and you're learning how to Pull people in.
00:44:45.000You're learning how to not lose them with controversial stuff in the beginning that would work if you did it 15, 20 minutes in instead of your first bit.
00:44:53.000I think that a lot of times when you're seeing new and upcoming comedians, there's a lot of frustration going on.
00:45:58.000It's a part of, and you know what, the feel the sting of being recognized for being kind of a cunty bitch, you know, when something like that, that's good for your personality.
00:46:05.000You need to know that that type of behavior is loathsome.
00:46:08.000And then when people read shit like that, they lash back at you, because they know exactly what you're really doing.
00:46:13.000I had it, when I first started comedy and I was in New York, I got a lot of shit too early.
00:46:46.000His comic could be terrible, but if you write good lines for him in a sitcom, you could do it.
00:46:51.000I was funnier on news radio than I was in my real act.
00:46:54.000When I first started doing news radio in 94, I wasn't that good of a comedian.
00:46:58.000I don't know, I saw you, I always say this, I saw you, I think before I started doing stand-up, I saw you, Sarah Silverman, and I forget who it was, on Caroline's Comedy Hour.
00:47:10.000And it changed comedy for me because you guys were dirty.
00:47:14.000And I never saw dirty on TV. It was one of the first things that you could be dirty.
00:47:19.000And I couldn't believe the shit Sarah was saying.
00:47:21.000I couldn't believe what you were saying.
00:47:23.000And I was like, oh, I think I want to do this now.
00:47:26.000Like the fact that this is what I talk about.
00:48:41.000So my point is, when someone was giving you shit, if they were giving you shit saying that, you know, you shouldn't have got that so soon, stop it.
00:48:49.000If it's a sitcom, if that's what you're worried about...
00:48:51.000Also, you gotta know, I came up through the Comedy Cellar in New York with all the guys from Tough Crowd and that sense of humor of just shitting on each other.
00:51:50.000You know, I remember I was listening to Opie and Anthony, and they're talking about Louis C.K. and Bobby Kelly, or Jim Norton, were talking about how comics interact with each other, and no one could ever understand it.
00:52:00.000Jim Norton had a slice of pizza, and Louis C.K. just slapped the pizza out of his hand.
00:52:06.000It said something like, your mother's a cunt, and just walked away.
00:52:10.000And Norton just couldn't help but laugh.
00:54:29.000Maybe people fucking can't crack jokes at work.
00:54:33.000And there's people that are annoying about that shit, but there's a lot of funny that gets cut out of the workplace.
00:54:41.000Do you remember the water balloons at the comedy store, Joe?
00:54:46.000Let's not talk about that as if it actually happened.
00:54:49.000But wouldn't it be cool if somebody might have done that?
00:54:52.000If somebody might have launched water balloons with a catapult off the Comedy Store and flew them towards the Sky Bar where there was a bunch of assholes waiting in line to get in, it might have happened.
00:57:10.000We had this one where we'd be behind these trees.
00:57:13.000We'd be behind these trees, we'd throw the crab apples, and we'd kind of try to, once they stopped, we'd kind of show ourselves because we had such an amazing escape route, we wanted them to come after us.
00:57:24.000We'd run through this guy's backyard and he had a creek through his backyard, like I kind of lived near the woods, and he had a pipe, the creek went in a pipe that went under the road.
00:57:34.000So there was a fence around his yard and it was like a...
00:57:37.000If you open the fence, it closed itself.
00:57:39.000So we had a stick that would keep the fence open, the door.
00:57:43.000The last guy would kick the stick out so the gate would close if they were chasing you.
00:57:47.000We'd run down into the creek, through the pipe, and come up on the other side of the road and just watch him looking for us.
00:58:13.000He's just been waiting for some kid to throw a piece of fruit at his car so he can find an excuse to punch his teeth out and fuck his face.
00:58:20.000He's just got you pinned up against the opening of that tube, that cement tube.
01:00:47.000I guess I was probably a freshman in high school, so it was like 1981. Well, this guy had a Trans Am, like a fucking Burt Reynolds-style Trans Am.
01:03:11.000It was a known thing that the cops said, when you've got to go pick up Bob Corby, you've got to bring a lot of cops because he's that badass.
01:03:18.000Well, a couple years ago, I see on the front page of the newspaper, I'm sitting on a plane, FBI agents come to his house because he's dealing drugs and his wife blows away an FBI agent with a shotgun.
01:03:55.000Now, the argument was going to be like she ended up getting prison.
01:04:00.000Bob Corby didn't, so I'm probably dead when I go back to Pittsburgh for telling this, but she – the argument was when drug dealers raid like – Why are you telling this story if you're getting in trouble?
01:04:11.000Are you out of your fucking mind and you're telling it on this podcast?
01:04:13.000No, I mean, it was all over the newspaper.
01:06:18.000I'm eating and it's like 3 in the morning and This hooker flags me down and I thought like it was an emergency type thing, the way she was like wavy.
01:08:25.000If you told the story exactly the way you did it, you know, you had a Wendy's bag and you're a Jack in the Box or whatever the fuck it was.
01:09:53.000But it's really kind of crazy if you stop and think about the fact that drug stores and they have liquor and then there's bars and they have liquor and then there's supermarkets and they have liquor.
01:10:02.000If marijuana was as readily available as alcohol, it would be fucking bananas.
01:10:08.000Because literally, if you go down Ventura Boulevard in Studio City Every 20 feet you can buy alcohol.
01:10:15.000There's like a series of bars and restaurants.
01:10:22.000One time I was at a bachelor party and we left and we were on Lake George in New York and we had to get back to the house where we were all staying and there was like one bar in this town and all these guys piled in this minivan and we were supposed to have two like vans for all the guys but One of the vans had to leave to take a guy to the hospital from the bar.
01:10:42.000And we were leaving and this Australian buddy of mine that was there jumps on the roof of the car.
01:10:53.000And then there's like a whole bunch of guys in the van because it was really crowded.
01:10:58.000So he goes, ah, I'm getting on the roof.
01:10:59.000And I went, ah, me too, just fucking around.
01:11:01.000And the guy driving, good friend of mine, Sterling, fucking took off.
01:11:05.000And we're on the roof holding on to, like, the rain gutters.
01:11:09.000And he drives, it was seven miles, back to the thing, driving fucking fast.
01:11:16.000And I'm trying to punch, like, the window with my hand, like, open, slap it, going, slow the fuck, like, you're gonna kill us.
01:11:24.000Like, in my head I went, I'm dying because every turn we went around, I had to, like, redistribute my weight on the roof of the car or I was flying off.
01:13:21.000Yeah, you gotta be real careful about what kind of drunks you hang out with, because there's the drunks that try to top one-up each other and try to out-drunk.
01:14:08.000Yeah, that's a good way to die, right?
01:14:10.000Because you're filming the most hilarious video ever and your fat friend falls off the fucking hood of the car that's rolling towards you with no brakes on.
01:14:37.000That's a good spot for it, though, if you're going to do something fucking stupid.
01:14:40.000There's an area out in Palmdale where we used to do all the Fear Factor stunts because we would close off this giant stretch of road and we would set semis up on it and people would be on the semis trying to jump from truck to truck and shit like that.
01:15:12.000Yeah, I mean, he hit it hard, ba-boom, and it looked bad.
01:15:16.000Yeah, when I watched Wipeout, I'm like, how do they not fuck themselves up more?
01:15:20.000Like, how do they not have a concussion?
01:15:22.000Jackass is way scarier than Fear Factor.
01:15:25.000Some of the shit those guys did, like when Johnny Knoxville was a fucking, already a movie star, puts a blindfold on, he stands in front of a bull.
01:19:10.000He's a BMXer that he's hurt himself so many times that they wouldn't do surgery on his knee, this special surgery, but they had it in Canada and they didn't have it in the United States so he went to Canada to do it.
01:19:21.000The doctor could do it in Canada but by law he couldn't do it unless he was awake.
01:19:27.000He couldn't put him under for it and they had to bring whatever the, it was like an anterior cruciate ligament or something and it was made of I forget what they used.
01:21:05.000I think I saw the interview with him when he was talking about this.
01:21:07.000What fucking robot doctor, voodoo doctor was he going to?
01:21:10.000The dude who rented me the scooter this week had esophical cancer, had his whole esophagus removed, and they moved his esophagus, like, around to the side and back because he had acid reflux so bad, and he got esophical cancer.
01:21:23.000They did a procedure on him that had never been done before.
01:30:44.000So would I. I think it would be interesting.
01:30:46.000I think it would be interesting if there was an alternative currency that a bunch of people agreed to that was stable.
01:30:51.000If you could find a way to circumvent the financial system, that would be a way to defeat it, to define one that we all agreed on, that everybody got together and said, you know what?
01:31:17.000I mean, the amount of money that would be lost if there was a valid alternative to the dollar or the ruble or whatever the fuck you're using.
01:31:26.000Nationwide or global currency that we all agreed to that was established and was really strong, that would fuck everything, man.
01:31:35.000All this global power grab would be in the toilet.
01:31:38.000And third world countries would know when everybody has the same value on their dollar, when the dollar is the same value, which I've looked into this and thought about it, and it's really confusing, and I don't know enough about currencies.
01:31:55.000Like would the value of – because you can trade internationally then and there's no one able to monitor it and there's no embargoes on – there wouldn't – it wouldn't be able to be taxed.
01:32:16.000It really becomes a matter of government over bureaucracy.
01:32:19.000You can use it now to buy pizza and stuff.
01:32:22.000The real problem is bureaucracy gets to a point where you start creating jobs that aren't necessary, and then you say, oh, we created X amount of jobs this quarter.
01:32:41.000They might slash things if there's funding, but if there's money, they would like to keep jobs going and create new jobs in government and create new laws so that new jobs are in place.
01:32:52.000That's one of the big arguments in not making pot legal, because you would lose a lot of people that are in the business of locking people up for pot.
01:32:59.000And arresting pot dealers and then all of a sudden the pharmaceutical company is going to lose money.
01:33:04.000What, are they going to let people go as well?
01:33:07.000It's a weird financial situation where the resources and the impact of the control of the resources shifts.
01:33:16.000And so that's like a financial decision.
01:33:18.000And that's one of the real problems with making anything that's that popular illegal while it's illegal.
01:33:23.000It's like financially it creates a real issue.
01:33:26.000Well, I also saw that a lot of the reason the pot hasn't become legal yet is because The regulation isn't in place yet.
01:33:35.000They haven't been able to create the bureaucracy around it.
01:33:37.000And a lot of times they've done things – like if you look around the world, the lack of regulation has created fucking – like you look at what happened in the Soviet Union when it dismantled.
01:33:48.000And they sold off the gas companies, the electric companies, and the Russian mafia just became like – Billionaires overnight.
01:33:57.000People were able to buy the electric company or buy – Well, I think there was a lot more to collapse the Soviet Union than that.
01:34:04.000Well, no, no, but what I'm saying is they had two different currencies in Russia at that time or the Soviet Union.
01:34:40.000Because let's – Once the growers are already established.
01:34:42.000Because let's say – let's say the growers are established but let's say – Big corporations come in and get involved, like the tobacco corporations.
01:34:51.000What if they, with all their money, buy up all the pot, the pot fields, everything?
01:34:57.000There is no way of actually – it would be like opening the floodgates right away, and it's like, what's going to happen?
01:35:05.000Well, I don't understand what you're saying.
01:35:07.000Why would that stop the people who are already growing from growing?
01:35:09.000Well, when we had that proposition to vote to make pot legal, I was trying to read about it, and I'm not even a big pot smoker, but I was like, come on, we've got to fucking legalize this shit.
01:35:18.000I like how you did that with like a – I acted it out.
01:35:22.000Well, the referendum vote was like, let's vote to make it legal.
01:35:27.000And then I started reading in a lot of the local Venice newspapers and stuff, and they were saying that a lot of the people in Humboldt and Mendocino County and all that were growers and stuff were against it because they were worried that they would get pushed out.
01:36:13.000The reason why the growers don't want it is because a bunch of other people are going to start growing and then the prices are going to go down.
01:36:18.000But who would ultimately make the money on marijuana?
01:36:34.000If you see what they've done, who the fuck would have ever thought they'd be able to do what they've done with corn?
01:36:38.000Who the fuck would have been able to believe that they would be willing to, that politicians would be willing to accept, I don't know what the fuck they're getting paid, I don't know how the fuck they're passing these laws.
01:36:48.000Like the Monsanto Protection Act, all these different laws that allow genetically modified foods to be in your supermarkets without labels.
01:36:56.000Because it's not clearly established whether or not they're 100% safe.
01:37:12.000It's the same way the defense corporation – But they target, like a lobby group or a special interest group or a PAC will – it's not even that they have the resources to just spend so much money.
01:37:26.000What they do is they will – it's almost like mafia technique.
01:37:30.000Like they'll go to a congressman and say, hey, you're running against this guy.
01:39:12.000He wants 300,000 bitcoins or whatever the fucking equivalent is.
01:39:16.000Well, if you look at it, I mean, it's been going on on, like, games like I don't play, but, like, World of Warcraft and that stuff.
01:39:21.000Those people, they had a whole South Park episode about it, about, like, where they have the little kids working, playing the video games so that they can acquire these coins or whatever it was, whatever the value on the game.
01:39:34.000Because that happens in video games all the time where people try to acquire these coins Well, it's a legit service.
01:39:40.000People will pay people in foreign countries, like third world countries, will play games all night with your character.
01:39:49.000Like you give them your character for a few months and you come back and your character is like a master wizard.
01:39:53.000Because these are like fucking total super nerd games.
01:39:56.000It's not like you're playing checkers or chess or even, you know.
01:40:00.000I used to do that with my friends on Madden.
01:40:02.000When they would leave, when we all lived together down at the beach, they would leave.
01:40:05.000I would play as their team and just hurt their players.
01:40:23.000And the wife would always get bummed out when she had to take care of the baby because the husband could play the game and she was like complaining.
01:40:28.000She's got a fucking newborn and she doesn't want it because she wants to get back to her character in the game.
01:44:47.000If you're in an argument with an idiot, it's very difficult to tell who's who.
01:44:51.000I probably fucked up that in paraphrasing it.
01:44:55.000That is a situation where if you're in a situation where someone's aggressive to you and you're aggressive back to them, and then someone walks in on it, it looks like you're always in fights.
01:45:04.000And you could be a guy that just defends yourself all the time, but it looks like you're always in fights.
01:45:08.000Especially if there's YouTube clips of it.
01:45:10.000Where there's smoke, there's fire, and you know...
01:45:12.000Yeah, I mean, I've always felt like I've never been one to start shit with people.
01:45:18.000I don't like starting shit with people.
01:45:19.000But I also not really enjoy people getting off on me and saying shitty things to me just because they want to be cunty.
01:45:27.000So when you stand your ground or when you're aggro back or insulting back...
01:46:03.000It's so common where you get one pretty girl who just dominates a business establishment.
01:46:07.000That's the saddest thing when you go to visit a buddy at work and you realize that this is one hot chick that's sort of like putting her spray around the room and all these dolts that your buddy works with are tripping over themselves trying to please this girl and white knighting it at every turn and you know I think you're just out of line with the way you talk around women.
01:46:23.000You know those cocksuckers and like oh you son of a bitch look what you're doing here you're throwing yourself on the sword.
01:47:08.000If you're a dude out there, okay, and you're an unattractive guy, and you're working at a fucking kitchen at a bar, you know, you're flipping burgers, no one wants to fuck you, alright?
01:47:18.000And you know that no one wants to fuck you, and that shit gets depressing, and you're willing to play the long game.
01:47:23.000And befriend a lot of really cunty chicks hoping that when they're 40 and it all falls apart for them, they'll go with the guy who actually really loved them.
01:47:30.000Once they get over this looks thing or whatever, and so there's a lot of poor saps out there that get sucked into, which is essentially a deal with a drug dealer that never gives you the drugs.
01:47:41.000It's like, man, I got that cocaine, but dog, I can't give you none.
01:49:00.000If you're really open-minded with sex and there's a screening process and the guys who come through are polite, I really don't know which one is worse.
01:49:06.000Cleaning toilets or letting a guy put a condom on you on top of you.
01:50:04.000He's like, there was a dead, naked girl on the counter, and this guy was huffing and puffing and sweating.
01:50:10.000And he was back there with this dead, naked girl, and they heard something funny, and they were there because someone in their family had died, and they had to go through the funeral arrangements.
01:50:21.000And he believes they just about stumbled upon a guy who had fucked a dead female corpse.
01:50:40.000Yeah, there's videos of guys fucking dead bodies.
01:50:42.000There's a video that a guy put online.
01:50:44.000It was him and his boyfriend and he killed his boyfriend and then he like fucked him and cut him up and put it all online and ate some of his body.
01:50:55.000Gunjing is an act where you take a person that's been buried recently and you get them from under the ground and you put your lips around their vagina and you have somebody else jump up and down on their stomach.
01:53:14.000This girl that we know down in Australia, she told my friend that she woke up one night, she hooked up with this dude, she wakes up, he's standing over her jerking off, and he's got his toe in her pussy.
01:53:31.000He's out there walking around, a bunch of cat shit on the floor and stuff.
01:53:34.000He's stuffing it right up some chick's pussy.
01:53:36.000He should at the very least have some alcohol wipes and really do a good job of cleaning your toe off before you shove it in some chick's clam.
01:53:46.000You know what I've always wanted to try?
01:53:49.000Have you seen those pills that they sell at CVS and they're for kids where they're like these little pills and you put them in a glass of water and they make this humongous dinosaur or something?
01:53:58.000I've always wanted to put it in one of those girls' vaginas and see what happens.
01:54:06.000When girls find things up their pussy, when they find things that are stuffed in their pussy and they've been up there for a while, sometimes they can get really sick.
01:54:15.000Girls have died from tampons being stuck up their pussy.
01:54:18.000I mean, if you're going to nerf their pussy, you don't keep it in there.
01:54:21.000What if you leave a chunk of it in there?
01:56:24.000Let's sleep with it inside, just to see what it would feel like, and then if you want to move, that's fine.
01:56:28.000The most disappointing thing is when a girl says, okay, and you're like, oh, she's just as fucking stupid as I am.
01:56:33.000You're supposed to be the one who's sensible here.
01:56:35.000You're supposed to pull us out of this predicament.
01:56:37.000It took me a long time to realize that if you just go when you're trying to hook up with a girl and you go, fine, I don't want to, and you go to sleep, all of a sudden they wake you up, they're like, come on, let's fuck.
01:57:51.000It's like finding your audience in comedy.
01:57:54.000You don't want to do, like, Brian was talking about doing some shows this weekend with a bunch of old people in the audience and You know, that's an uncomfortable feeling when it's not your audience.
01:58:55.000I've had three club owners in the last two years tell me You're too edgy, and you're too offensive on stage, and you're gonna have to calm it down for the next show.
01:59:06.000They'll call me in my room, and I'm like, I'm in the taxi, I'm on my way to the airport, and they're like, what?
01:59:28.000They all end up apologizing and they try to keep you because they've got like, one time it happened here in LA and I just sold out crowd.
01:59:34.000You can't tell a guy not to do his act.
01:59:37.000If you don't like that act, you can not hire him again, but there's no way you can tell him how to do his act.
01:59:42.000So that's why I go fuck off and I just leave.
01:59:44.000Yeah, it's just, you can say, I don't think you're funny, you can fire him, you can ask for another comic to come in and replace him, but if you're gonna allow him to go on stage, you're not a producer.
02:01:32.000One, the guy's already doing the kind of material that a headliner does or this particular headliner does.
02:01:38.000Two, if you're clean and you have to follow some guy who's talking about fishing tampons out of chicks, a lot of times headliners will blow gaskets.
02:01:48.000I've seen more censorship from headliners In comedy clubs, and including guys who are not big names, they just happen to be the guy last.
02:01:58.000And it was just like you say, like for the most part when you go to a comedy club, if you see a guy who's an unknown name, he's not an unknown name just to you.
02:02:58.000And those are two instances that happen all the time.
02:03:01.000And what I mean by stepping on your shit, folks who don't know stand-up, like say if Eddie Ift had a joke about going to Jamba Juice, and it was like a signature bit about going to Jamba Juice, I might, if I want to fuck with him, if I was the middle act, I might go on stage and just make up my own joke about Jamba Juice that I wasn't doing the night before,
02:03:18.000but I'll do it and it'll be clearly like I just slapped it together, but what I'm doing is trying to take the wind out of the sails of his Jamba Juice joke.
02:04:45.000Your issue right now, Brian, as we talked about this before the show, is that he's like known in a lot of places, but you don't do that many shows for people who don't know you.
02:04:55.000So people who know you, they know you're this silly bitch and you're ridiculous and you're always buying boner pills.
02:04:59.000So they want to hear this ridiculous shit out of you.
02:05:02.000But for people who don't know you, they're like, why is this guy talking about coming on the ceiling?
02:06:06.000And when I see someone that's, like, just sending it in or phoning it in, I'm like, and especially if they're doing it, and they're doing it because they already have a devoted audience, I'm like, do you understand what an amazing position you're in?
02:06:17.000Yeah, how lucky you are, and you're cheating them.
02:06:19.000Like, did you see, you saw the crazy Cat Williams shit, where he's, obviously there's an issue there, I don't know what the fuck it is, but do you know how many people, I mean, me, huge Cat Williams fan, I would be so sad if I went to see him, and that went down.
02:06:32.000When he yells at someone in the audience and then leaves, and that's his whole set.
02:06:35.000Because I remember his fucking specials where I thought the guy was brilliant.
02:06:56.000Well, you're still struggling in America.
02:06:57.000It started to happen for me really quickly, and I'm glad it didn't because I would have been one of those assholes probably that just phones it in.
02:07:05.000But what happened was I struggled for so long that now I value it so much more.
02:07:09.000Yeah, but you're a hard worker anyway.
02:07:11.000I mean, you're into CrossFit, and you're always...
02:07:16.000You're not like a lazy guy who doesn't get shit done.
02:07:18.000You just fucked up and you got famous in Australia.
02:07:22.000Colin Quinn said to me one time, I was taking a cab from the cellar uptown to the comic strip or something and I shared a cab with Colin and it was after Saturday Night Live and he had done all this stuff and I went, Colin, what are you doing?
02:07:34.000We're all young kids, Flying around to the clubs and Collin was a couple generations older.
02:09:42.000Like, out of nowhere, like, oh, this is actual comedy.
02:09:45.000But before that, I was just listening to the nonsense.
02:09:48.000It was like somebody who just, like, structures sentence and said it in a certain way, and I'm supposed to think it's hilarious.
02:09:53.000I'm such a fan of comedy that I like when I'm listening to that stuff, and there's a comic I don't like, and all of a sudden, I get them, and I start liking them.
02:10:02.000Like a comic that I would see in the club and I'm like, oh, I didn't like that and it might have been five years ago.
02:10:06.000And all of a sudden I hear something new and I'm like, oh, they've gotten funny.
02:11:14.000Well, then, you know, I met him a couple months later at the comedy store with you and I got to see him and then I was like, alright, I see what he's doing here.
02:11:45.000And when you see a guy like that just completely ad-libbing, one of the best shows I've ever seen, best sets.
02:11:51.000You know when you see a show and it's a late show, And there's many comics that have been up, and it seems like the room's dead.
02:11:59.000And then one guy comes in and just with magic, just runs around the room.
02:12:04.000Brody Stevens took his shirt off and started swinging it over his head while he was screaming for everybody to wake up, the show's not over, and there was like some music playing, and he got on stage and he had drumsticks.
02:13:00.000The guys are the most fun and the guys are actually still appreciated.
02:13:03.000There's a weird thing that happens when Somebody's been doing stand-up for a long time, and then all of a sudden they decide that, oh, I fucking hate it.
02:15:53.000That's why you've got to live in Canada.
02:15:54.000When you had David Lee Roth on, I listened to that episode, when you were talking to David Lee Roth, and he was talking about going to Japan.
02:16:42.000Yeah, this is probably totally old school.
02:16:44.000So one day we're going to get to a point where there'll be some virtual place where we all meet to do a podcast, and all we're doing is sitting in front of our fucking laptop slapping a headgear on.
02:19:28.000The other people were all with them, they're all aligned together, they're all training together, and you see this one guy just get cut in half.
02:19:35.000Was he wearing like a brighter swimsuit or anything different than the other?
02:20:38.000Speaking of which, I saw the other day, and I was on Marco Island, Florida.
02:20:42.000I saw a stingray fly out of the water, like five feet out of the water, and then back And that's how that woman died on the boat in Key West or something.
02:32:29.000Were you totally, completely convinced that they were going to be able to keep the things away from you?
02:32:34.000Well, they put you in the cage, and the top of the cage is open to the boat, so you can climb out of the cage and into the boat, so it's almost like you're in a steel cage aquarium.
02:32:45.000But you gotta put on a wetsuit and snorkel and everything and they either run an oxygen thing down to you or you wear a snorkel and you go up and down.
02:32:54.000Hold your breath, go down, and watch for a while.
02:32:57.000But you wait for four hours for the sharks to show up.
02:33:01.000They put fish oil in the water because it's illegal to put chum in the water.
02:35:57.000They're the ones, like, when guys were getting shot down in World War II and their planes were, like, out in the middle of the ocean.
02:36:03.000They're responsible for a lot of deaths because they'll clean up, like, a fucking whole shipwreck.
02:36:08.000You know, they're the ones that, uh...
02:36:13.000The great whites are the ones that are right here, right off of fucking L.A. Yeah, they've caught whale sharks before, but whale sharks aren't the same thing.
02:40:24.000Yeah, you know how the zombies collapse on a body and it's just all of them just in a mass trying to rip this body apart and pulling chunks out?
02:41:33.000I don't know if they behead him first, but then these vultures come and just pick away at his body, and it's a series of photos showing you the beginning to the end, and it's just a skeleton.
02:41:45.000Have you ever seen one of those Tibetan sky funerals?
02:43:55.000Yeah, well, when you watch that show, like those autopsy shows, where they have to exhume bodies, a lot of times they're doing it, and the person's a fucking year plus in the hole, and their body's still there, you know, because you formaldehyde the shit out of it, and...
02:44:08.000Well, the funeral, too, the open casket funeral, I don't think there's anything creepier.
02:45:28.000And they cut them at, like, the wrists and the ankles, I think, and just let the wrists and, like, legs hang.
02:45:34.000And so all the blood drips, and the floor is like a graded floor that just catches all the blood underneath, you know, and there's drains underneath.
02:45:43.000So he walks in the room and sees them.
02:45:47.000Just sees his body and just fucking loses it and runs off.
02:46:01.000Some states require that a body be buried, cremated, embalmed, or refrigerated within a certain amount of time.
02:46:07.000So what happens, though, is that funeral homes will rip you off.
02:46:12.000And that if you say that you want to get the body cremated, if they get a hold of it before, you know what I mean, someone's body gets brought to a funeral home, if that happens, a lot of times they try to sell you on embalming the person before cremation.