The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #373

00:00:03.000 Ha, ha, ha, ha!

00:00:07.000 Ha, ha, ha, ha!

00:00:14.000 What's wrong with you?

00:00:15.000 Dude, my monkey noise.

00:00:17.000 Have you started already?

00:00:18.000 Yeah, because I already had to start with you.

00:00:20.000 Oh, that's okay.

00:00:21.000 We just went live.

00:00:23.000 Hey, everybody.

00:00:24.000 What the fuck?

00:00:25.000 What's going on?

00:00:26.000 We understand, folks.

00:00:28.000 We hear your story.

00:00:29.000 We hear your plight that Ustream's been fucking up for you.

00:00:33.000 It's been, what is it called?

00:00:36.000 Buffering?

00:00:37.000 I just lost my mic.

00:00:38.000 You know what I've noticed though, Joe, is that a lot of it's different browsers.

00:00:43.000 So if it's fucking with you on one browser, try a different one because the Flash plugin alone has been just a cunny bitch.

00:00:49.000 Is that what it is?

00:00:50.000 Yeah.

00:00:50.000 Like on YouTube, I have problems on certain browsers where it does certain things and I change it around.

00:00:57.000 I've been noticing it's a lot of browser issues.

00:01:00.000 I'd use Chrome for the most part.

00:01:01.000 What do you use?

00:01:02.000 I use Safari.

00:01:03.000 I went back to Safari.

00:01:04.000 Why'd you go back to Safari?

00:01:05.000 Because it seems like it's usually the best when it comes to working with everything.

00:01:10.000 But Flash has been fucking with everything.

00:01:13.000 It didn't used to, right?

00:01:14.000 It didn't used to be the best one.

00:01:15.000 I don't think so, no.

00:01:16.000 But it's always been solid for me.

00:01:18.000 Chrome's good, but the problem with Chrome is that I... Just go crazy with extensions.

00:01:22.000 And next thing I know, it fucks things up.

00:01:24.000 Like Adblock Plus or whatever.

00:01:26.000 That shit fucks things up.

00:01:28.000 And then you forget that that might be the reason why.

00:01:30.000 I'm a safari type of motherfucker.

00:01:33.000 This episode, speaking of the web, is brought to you by Squarespace.

00:01:36.000 You go to squarespace.com forward slash Roke Joe.

00:01:42.000 What is my name?

00:01:44.000 Squarespace.com forward slash Joe.

00:01:47.000 If you go and check it out, you could design your own website, Joey Diaz.

00:01:51.000 I know you could pull it off.

00:01:53.000 It's not difficult.

00:01:53.000 I'm too stupid.

00:01:54.000 You say that, man, but I'm telling you with something like Squarespace, you could do it.

00:01:57.000 I could do it.

00:01:58.000 I'm not sure you're that much farther behind me.

00:02:02.000 You know, Brian does them while the show's going on.

00:02:05.000 He's whacking out websites.

00:02:07.000 You know what I'm saying, dork?

00:02:09.000 What's interesting about it is you can try it.

00:02:11.000 It's not interesting.

00:02:12.000 What's excellent about it is you can try it without actually paying for it first.

00:02:16.000 So you can go.

00:02:18.000 You sign up.

00:02:19.000 You don't have to give your credit card.

00:02:20.000 You don't have to do anything.

00:02:22.000 Just try it out.

00:02:23.000 Start building your website.

00:02:24.000 And then if you decide to purchase Squarespace, use the offer code JOE7 I have had many sponsors on this podcast,

00:02:49.000 and I can tell you this.

00:02:53.000 One sponsor that I've never had any negative feedback on, that's Squarespace.

00:02:58.000 No one's ever said anything bad about it.

00:03:00.000 People say bad about it.

00:03:02.000 People fucking find a way to complain about anything.

00:03:06.000 I'm not saying that their complaints aren't necessarily valid.

00:03:09.000 You know, I think sometimes people are correct.

00:03:12.000 They're overjudgmental, but oftentimes they are correct.

00:03:15.000 But Squarespace, 100%, not one person has said anything bad about it.

00:03:21.000 To me, yet.

00:03:21.000 Now watch.

00:03:22.000 I'll go on Twitter and they'll cunt it up for me.

00:03:24.000 Anyway, go to squarespace.com forward slash Joe.

00:03:27.000 Use the offer code Joe7 and save yourself.

00:03:31.000 10% off.

00:03:33.000 We're also brought to you by LegalZoom.

00:03:37.000 LegalZoom is a website where you can get a lot of shit done that ordinarily you would have to go to a lawyer for.

00:03:44.000 You can incorporate or you can form an LLC, which is limited legal...

00:03:51.000 I don't know what it means.

00:03:54.000 What does LLC mean exactly?

00:03:55.000 It's where you make a company so you could dump all your money into, and then once it fucks up, you run and start a new company.

00:04:01.000 Yeah, and you don't owe anybody any money or something?

00:04:04.000 Yeah.

00:04:04.000 Yeah, I've had people that have been fucked over like that.

00:04:09.000 You can do an LLC at LegalZoom for only $100.

00:04:12.000 So if you want to start fucking people off, it's only $99.

00:04:16.000 I don't know what happens.

00:04:18.000 You might want to also get a will at that time, which you can also do at LegalZoom.

00:04:21.000 That's another good idea.

00:04:22.000 When you start fucking people over, they get mad and they want to shoot you.

00:04:24.000 So you can make your own will for just $69.

00:04:27.000 You can also get living trusts, power of attorney, and more.

00:04:31.000 In the past 12 years or over, 2 million Americans have used LegalZoom and they've saved fuckloads of money.

00:04:37.000 It's a sweet setup.

00:04:39.000 And if you use the code ROGAN in the referral box, you'll save yourself some money.

00:04:44.000 Remember that LegalZoom is not a law firm.

00:04:47.000 They just provide self-help services at your specific direction.

00:04:52.000 And they can also connect you with an independent attorney.

00:04:55.000 Independent attorney?

00:04:56.000 No.

00:04:57.000 Attorney.

00:04:58.000 Fuckhead.

00:04:59.000 They can also connect you with an independent attorney if you need additional guidance.

00:05:04.000 So check it out.

00:05:05.000 LegalZoom.com.

00:05:07.000 Use the code name ROGAN. Boom.

00:05:08.000 Shocker.

00:05:09.000 Shocker.

00:05:10.000 Boom.

00:05:11.000 What was the other one I had to do?

00:05:13.000 Squarespace.

00:05:14.000 Oh, Stamps.com.

00:05:15.000 Stamps.com, which is appropriate because the new Death Squad shirts are on pre-order as of right now.

00:05:22.000 If you go to DeathSquad.tv, my favorite...

00:05:24.000 Of all the designs that Brian has created, I actually love this one.

00:05:27.000 It's fucking badass.

00:05:29.000 I love the cat on the last one.

00:05:31.000 He was my favorite cat, but this is a cool shirt.

00:05:33.000 I love the colors, too.

00:05:35.000 And it's a very high-quality shirt, as opposed to...

00:05:38.000 It's not that the other ones were low-quality, but the standard way you get a t-shirt when you have a big design, like that Desquad logo, is they take a vinyl...

00:05:47.000 I don't know if it's vinyl, whatever it is, but some sort of sticker.

00:05:50.000 It's like a thick...

00:05:51.000 The process is just a bunch of...

00:05:53.000 It feels like you have a plastic shield on.

00:05:54.000 So when you're working out, you feel like you almost have armor on.

00:05:58.000 Yeah.

00:05:58.000 It's very uncomfortable when you have a lot of colors.

00:06:00.000 When you get sweaty.

00:06:01.000 Yeah.

00:06:02.000 If you get sweaty, it gets weird.

00:06:04.000 So this process actually bleaches the shirt and then re-dyes the ink in it.

00:06:08.000 So it's actually just the cotton.

00:06:11.000 So you can't even feel the design.

00:06:13.000 So it's an upgrade from the last couple of shirts I did.

00:06:15.000 I wanted to have a little bit better quality.

00:06:17.000 Yeah, well, you know, he saw how my higher primate shirts be rocking it.

00:06:22.000 Like, damn, son, why are they so sweet?

00:06:25.000 Oh, you know, because of my man Mike Maxwell drawing me some funky chimps.

00:06:30.000 That's right.

00:06:31.000 So, yeah.

00:06:31.000 So these will be coming out really soon.

00:06:33.000 So jump on them now.

00:06:34.000 I mean, I see a shitload of these old ones every time I perform, including this past weekend when Joey Diaz and I were rocking the joint in Vegas.

00:06:44.000 Goddamn, son.

00:06:45.000 Fuck.

00:06:46.000 Goddamn.

00:06:46.000 We'll talk about that.

00:06:47.000 We'll talk about that.

00:06:48.000 We'll talk about the UFC and more.

00:06:50.000 Stamps.com and LegalSquarespace.zoom.

00:06:53.000 No.

00:06:54.000 That's not what I mean.

00:06:54.000 What?

00:06:55.000 I'm just kidding.

00:06:55.000 Is that a real question?

00:06:57.000 Stamps.com.

00:06:58.000 It's not really a real fuck-up.

00:06:59.000 Could you imagine if I was that far high?

00:07:01.000 Stamps.com.

00:07:02.000 If you click on it, they have that old-school-y microphone in the upper right-hand corner.

00:07:07.000 Well, if you click on that old-school-y microphone and enter in the code name JRE, which stands for the Joe Rogan Experience, You can save an ass load of money, including its $110 thing off.

00:07:21.000 You get a free scale, a digital scale, which you are not to use for marijuana, sir.

00:07:26.000 This is for sending packages, asshole.

00:07:30.000 Listen to me.

00:07:33.000 Do not send marijuana through the post office.

00:07:35.000 Use UPS, okay?

00:07:37.000 Because the post office, it's against the law.

00:07:40.000 They'll put you in a fucking cage, right?

00:07:42.000 I tell it once.

00:07:42.000 They'll break your shit in Hollywood and take the weed themselves.

00:07:45.000 They're fucking savages.

00:07:46.000 And you can't blame them.

00:07:47.000 If I was a mailman, I'd be ripping up envelopes too that get sent out.

00:07:51.000 Yeah.

00:07:51.000 The code's a sweet code.

00:07:53.000 You save a lot of money off of what they normally offer.

00:07:56.000 But even if you didn't have my code, it's a great deal.

00:07:57.000 You get this sweet digital scale.

00:07:59.000 And what you do is you print.

00:08:01.000 Say if you're selling anything, like Brian's selling those T-shirts.

00:08:03.000 You just make it yourself.

00:08:05.000 Have it printed up yourself.

00:08:06.000 And...

00:08:06.000 You just weigh the packages on a digital scale, you print up everything off of your computer, bam, hand it to the postman, done.

00:08:14.000 I used it today, actually.

00:08:16.000 I haven't used the mail in a long time, and I didn't have a stamp.

00:08:19.000 I'm like, fuck, I gotta go to the store, and I'm like, oh yeah, I have stamps.com.

00:08:22.000 And I just put the envelope in the printer, bam, just put it in the mailbox.

00:08:24.000 It's so easy, kid.

00:08:26.000 You can't go wrong.

00:08:29.000 Go to Stamps.com and use the code JRE and save yourself some money on an excellent service.

00:08:38.000 And I'm supposed to say something official.

00:08:40.000 They give you shit to say something official.

00:08:43.000 It's a $110 value.

00:08:44.000 Yeah.

00:08:45.000 What it is is a really good deal.

00:08:47.000 That's what I think about Stamps.com.

00:08:49.000 I think it just totally makes sense.

00:08:52.000 If you're smart, why would you want to go to the fucking post office?

00:08:55.000 Saves you time, Joe Rogan.

00:08:56.000 That's what I'm talking about, dog.

00:08:59.000 You don't have that many years left.

00:09:00.000 I don't have 20 minutes to go down there and wait for the fucking...

00:09:03.000 It's a nightmare going to the post office.

00:09:04.000 It could be a lot more than 20 minutes if you go to the wrong post office at the wrong time.

00:09:08.000 I've been there before where it took me an hour and 10 minutes just to get to the counter.

00:09:11.000 No, no.

00:09:11.000 Yes.

00:09:12.000 Yeah, there was a gang of people and they all had shit to weigh.

00:09:15.000 It was around Christmas.

00:09:17.000 I was an asshole.

00:09:18.000 I was like, whoa, this is bad.

00:09:19.000 I hate going to poker.

00:09:20.000 I got a box at the P.O. Box.

00:09:22.000 I go there and you got to get away the line.

00:09:24.000 And I forget to go and I get emails from people.

00:09:26.000 They sent my shit back.

00:09:27.000 Yeah, and I don't want to burden these fucking people either.

00:09:30.000 Who wants to be the 30th person in line that day?

00:09:32.000 Stacks of shit for them to send out and they're tired of doing your goddamn work for you.

00:09:36.000 Stamps.com just needs to get a passport thing, because that's the only reason I have to go to the post office now, when you have to do things like passports or shit like that.

00:09:45.000 That's just as annoying, because you're mixing passport people in with fucking regular mail people.

00:09:50.000 You mean like getting a new passport?

00:09:52.000 Is that what you mean?

00:09:53.000 Yeah, that's where I got my passport recently.

00:09:55.000 It was a pain in the ass.

00:09:57.000 At the post office?

00:09:58.000 Yeah.

00:09:58.000 That's interesting.

00:10:00.000 Yeah, why is that together?

00:10:01.000 That's like drugs, tobacco, and firearms.

00:10:04.000 You know when they do that?

00:10:07.000 Tobacco, alcohol, and firearms.

00:10:09.000 They're all together.

00:10:10.000 Like, what the fuck is...

00:10:12.000 Why are those three together?

00:10:14.000 That's ridiculous.

00:10:15.000 Passports and stamps.

00:10:16.000 Yeah.

00:10:17.000 So you can send a package or you.

00:10:19.000 Yeah.

00:10:20.000 Whatever you're sending through the air.

00:10:22.000 Let me ask you something, Joe Rogan.

00:10:23.000 Why would drugs, tobacco, and firearms show up to arrest you for tobacco?

00:10:28.000 Like if you weren't selling them with the stickers on them?

00:10:31.000 Is that it?

00:10:31.000 Or maybe you...

00:10:33.000 Well, you could sell stolen shit.

00:10:35.000 It could be that.

00:10:36.000 You could be, yeah, you could be like not having a tax stamp or something.

00:10:39.000 So like you're a company that's trying to sell it and not pay taxes on it.

00:10:43.000 People are crazy, man.

00:10:44.000 You always hear about people that are like running businesses for like a couple of years, gangster style, cash only, pay no taxes, and they just vanish.

00:10:52.000 It happens all the time.

00:10:54.000 You know, we had this lady yesterday from the OxyContin Express who was talking about those pain clinics in Florida.

00:11:01.000 And one of them was cash only.

00:11:03.000 They were there for two years.

00:11:05.000 They made $40 million.

00:11:07.000 And then they got arrested with the jail.

00:11:08.000 Now, what do the pain clinics do?

00:11:09.000 They hook you up with some Oxys, dog.

00:11:11.000 Oh, they give you the Oxys?

00:11:13.000 Yeah, if you're interested, go listen to it.

00:11:15.000 Because the whole story was fucking amazing.

00:11:18.000 We could talk about that on the podcast, too.

00:11:20.000 Did she give you any Oxys?

00:11:21.000 All day, dawg.

00:11:23.000 We just got all oxied out together.

00:11:25.000 It was beautiful.

00:11:27.000 We're also brought to you by Onnit.com, as always.

00:11:30.000 Can't say Onnit in a different way.

00:11:33.000 I've tried.

00:11:33.000 I've tried commercials in a different way.

00:11:35.000 I've tried.

00:11:36.000 If you've never heard this podcast before, Onnit is a company, in full disclosure, that I have a financial stake in.

00:11:43.000 And essentially we sell really just shit that I use.

00:11:46.000 Shit that Aubrey and I use.

00:11:48.000 Shit that people use if they're trying to get in shape.

00:11:50.000 It's like we sell a lot of kettlebells and we have these things called primal bells.

00:11:55.000 Kettlebells with this cool chimpanzee face we had sculpted into it.

00:11:58.000 It's pretty badass.

00:11:59.000 Medicine balls.

00:12:00.000 All types of things you need for strength and conditioning workouts.

00:12:04.000 The type of full body workouts that I think are the most beneficial as far as application in sports or in your everyday life.

00:12:12.000 Just picking up shit.

00:12:13.000 You don't pick up shit just by curling things.

00:12:15.000 If you're smart, you use your whole body.

00:12:17.000 And when you do exercises like kettlebells and steel maces and club bells, those are the type of strength and fitness pieces of equipment that sort of emphasize those style of workouts, the style of workouts where you use your whole body as one unit instead of really breaking things down to isolation exercises,

00:12:36.000 which people used to do back in the day.

00:12:38.000 And it's okay if you want to look all sexy.

00:12:42.000 You want to have some sexy biceps?

00:12:44.000 If that's your only goal, then go.

00:12:46.000 Go.

00:12:47.000 Go, you fucking sexy guido, you.

00:12:49.000 Do those curls.

00:12:51.000 Get the back of your triceps on one of those curling...

00:12:54.000 Remember those things, Joey Diaz?

00:12:55.000 Those preacher curls?

00:12:56.000 Everybody would do that.

00:12:57.000 Everybody wanted the big guns.

00:12:58.000 The preacher curl.

00:13:00.000 One of the least useful positions you ever find yourself in.

00:13:03.000 Double arm barred, hanging over a couch.

00:13:06.000 And you're doing curls.

00:13:08.000 Anyway, go to Onnit.com, use the code name ROGAN, and save yourself some shackles.

00:13:16.000 Joey Coco Diaz is here, and we're fixing to get busy, okay?

00:13:20.000 Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

00:13:24.000 Big dicks in your ass.

00:13:26.000 Back to your house.

00:13:28.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:13:30.000 Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.

00:13:35.000 Shaka shaka shaka bang, son.

00:13:38.000 We back.

00:13:39.000 We live.

00:13:41.000 We with Joe Diaz.

00:13:43.000 Joey gave me a pot candy and I got high holding it in my hand.

00:13:47.000 Okay?

00:13:48.000 I held it in my hand and I got nervous.

00:13:50.000 And that's the low end one.

00:13:50.000 These people have broken up into hybrid, sativa, and indica.

00:13:56.000 And that is, even Renazizi was saying he likes the chibachubra.

00:14:00.000 He likes the full boat one, the white label.

00:14:03.000 Really?

00:14:03.000 Renazizi goes deep.

00:14:04.000 Death.

00:14:05.000 Renazizi's up there on Long Island go in deep.

00:14:08.000 Those things there.

00:14:08.000 I've had them with coffee in the morning before a flight, and they fucking pick me up.

00:14:12.000 I don't drink energy drinks.

00:14:13.000 Because I did blow, but these things fucking picked me right up, so they're not bad.

00:14:17.000 I gave you the pain relief one, too.

00:14:19.000 Okay.

00:14:20.000 These guys are going deep.

00:14:21.000 If you do an energy drink, it makes you want to do blow?

00:14:25.000 No, no, no.

00:14:26.000 I did blow for all those years, so they don't work.

00:14:28.000 Oh, that's interesting.

00:14:29.000 I'd drink fucking Red Bull and go to sleep.

00:14:31.000 I'd drink coffee and go to sleep, to be honest.

00:14:33.000 Tate could do that, too.

00:14:34.000 I could drink a cup of coffee.

00:14:35.000 I used to be able to do that when I had sleep apnea.

00:14:37.000 I used to be able to just...

00:14:38.000 I could fucking just hit the crib right after a cup of coffee.

00:14:42.000 Yeah.

00:14:42.000 It's amazing.

00:14:43.000 Oh my god, I can drink two things at Starbucks and fucking pass out.

00:14:48.000 Get the fuck out of here.

00:14:50.000 Cuban coffee fucks me up.

00:14:51.000 That Persian coffee, is that what it is?

00:14:54.000 Yeah.

00:14:54.000 Greek coffee, there's some coffee that's fucking out there.

00:14:57.000 The caffeine is just outrageous.

00:15:00.000 Greek or one of those countries.

00:15:01.000 A lot of those coffees that people think are like really strong, it's like the taste of it, it's not necessarily the caffeine.

00:15:09.000 Like, you know, like espresso, everybody assumes espresso is like stronger than a cup of coffee.

00:15:13.000 Not really.

00:15:14.000 No, it's actually weaker.

00:15:15.000 It has less.

00:15:16.000 The lighter coffees are the ones with the more caffeine.

00:15:19.000 Like a dark, dark coffee, apparently a dark coffee doesn't have as much caffeine as like a lighter coffee oftentimes.

00:15:27.000 Like when you burn them more, I guess, to make it dark, maybe?

00:15:30.000 Does that make sense?

00:15:31.000 I don't know the whole thing about coffee.

00:15:33.000 What am I talking about over here?

00:15:34.000 But the first time I ever had Cuban coffee, I'm like, oh, this is like everything else Cubans do.

00:15:39.000 It's crazy.

00:15:40.000 You take coffee, you put a half a pound of sugar in it.

00:15:43.000 From the start, they mix it in there with a fucking wrench.

00:15:46.000 It is so sweet.

00:15:48.000 I couldn't believe how sweet it is.

00:15:50.000 We were working in Miami at the improv, and Joey's like, you gotta try Cuban coffee, dog.

00:15:54.000 Fuck all that Starbucks shit.

00:15:56.000 That's for girls.

00:15:58.000 Get over there.

00:16:03.000 That's funny.

00:16:04.000 It can't compete because it's a quarter.

00:16:05.000 It's $0.35 for a shot.

00:16:07.000 I know, $0.35 for a Cuban coffee.

00:16:08.000 $1.35 at the airport.

00:16:10.000 And if they give you the sugar mixed into it, you don't even feel guilty for putting that much sugar in it.

00:16:15.000 No, no, no.

00:16:15.000 You know, you're like, hey, this is what I asked for.

00:16:18.000 It's like a dessert.

00:16:18.000 I didn't know.

00:16:19.000 It's a dessert.

00:16:20.000 And this is a little pick-me-up, but people think there's more than there is, apparently.

00:16:24.000 What's the highest caffeine thing you could do?

00:16:27.000 Venti Starbucks.

00:16:28.000 I mean, you can get more to take pills and live.

00:16:32.000 Yeah, Mountain Dew.

00:16:33.000 Oh, I think no.

00:16:33.000 I don't think so.

00:16:34.000 There's a new Mountain Dew that they put a bunch of caffeine in a while ago.

00:16:37.000 Maybe they took it off the market by now.

00:16:39.000 That's the one that made me go to Cedar Cyanide for having a panic attack.

00:16:42.000 Come on.

00:16:43.000 Yeah, it was that exact same drink.

00:16:44.000 Mountain Dew made you go to the hospital?

00:16:46.000 That was the one where I pulled over on the side of the road and I sat on the curb with my phone out.

00:16:53.000 I had 9-1 and had one about to push enter.

00:16:57.000 Just because I felt like I was having a heart attack.

00:17:00.000 What do you feel, Brian?

00:17:01.000 It felt like your heart's going blblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblbl Yeah, but it was a big-ass one.

00:17:13.000 I mean, this was like a humongous...

00:17:16.000 Like a big goal?

00:17:17.000 Like a size of a C2O. Oh, okay.

00:17:19.000 That kind of thing.

00:17:20.000 What is that, like 18 ounces?

00:17:21.000 Yeah, and then...

00:17:22.000 I would say it's like 16 to 18, yeah.

00:17:24.000 Yeah.

00:17:25.000 But they checked me.

00:17:27.000 The ambulance checked me.

00:17:28.000 They're like, dude, your heart's going crazy.

00:17:29.000 We need to get you inside.

00:17:30.000 And then they put whatever that water in your blood is because they said I was dehydrated.

00:17:35.000 Oh, they gave you an IV trip?

00:17:36.000 Yeah, they gave me an IV trip, but it cost me like $3,000 for this fucking Mountain Dew.

00:17:41.000 That's incredible.

00:17:42.000 Isn't it amazing how much it costs for an ambulance to come and just look at you and touch you?

00:17:46.000 The ambulance alone was $900.

00:17:47.000 Yeah, don't sign the paperwork at the end.

00:17:49.000 Tell them, run out of there.

00:17:51.000 So when they charge you $900, is it for their time?

00:17:56.000 It's the service.

00:17:57.000 It's the most expensive limo in the world, man.

00:17:59.000 If I was rich, I'd be just using ambulances because you can go through lights.

00:18:03.000 What, just say you have a heart attack, say I'm just kidding, take me to the movies?

00:18:06.000 No, no, seriously, that's a good company.

00:18:07.000 You're a good company.

00:18:09.000 Yeah, you're brilliant.

00:18:10.000 You know what, that's like a felony.

00:18:12.000 Huh?

00:18:12.000 No.

00:18:13.000 It's a felony for calling an ambulance.

00:18:14.000 No, if you have an ambulance company and you go through all the right paperwork and you're like, you know, I need to be picked up.

00:18:19.000 Dude, if this wasn't a comedy podcast, just because what you said, you'd probably go to jail under the Patriot Act.

00:18:25.000 If this was like a crazy, right-wing...

00:18:29.000 That is brilliant.

00:18:30.000 Some fucking guy in Long Island right now was going, I'm going to open up an ambulance company and tell people I'm going to run through a red light.

00:18:38.000 Dog, trust me, that's brilliant.

00:18:40.000 And they'll do it until they get fucking pulled over one night and go...

00:18:42.000 What's going on here?

00:18:44.000 Oh, we're having a heart attack again.

00:18:46.000 No, no.

00:18:47.000 I thought if I had the lights, I could run through red lights.

00:18:49.000 And if you get pulled over, you're just in the backseat and go, all right, say that you're having a panic attack, and we'll just take you to the hospital.

00:18:55.000 Well, there was a guy when I lived in Newton, Massachusetts.

00:19:00.000 There was a guy who, which, by the way, I went back to recently, and I couldn't believe how small it was.

00:19:05.000 It was really weird.

00:19:06.000 It's weird when you go back home and you realize how small everything was.

00:19:09.000 You don't know what happened.

00:19:10.000 Especially like Boston area.

00:19:12.000 Those little towns were separated by these little two-lane roads.

00:19:17.000 It's really weird.

00:19:18.000 It's really weird to go back to it.

00:19:22.000 I forgot what we were talking about.

00:19:23.000 No, you went back home and you went to Newton.

00:19:26.000 I don't fucking know either.

00:19:28.000 What did you say just before that?

00:19:32.000 About the ambulance.

00:19:33.000 Oh, the guy...

00:19:34.000 That's what it was.

00:19:34.000 Sorry.

00:19:35.000 Sorry, folks.

00:19:35.000 A guy was using the ambulance.

00:19:39.000 Like, he wasn't going to an emergency.

00:19:41.000 He was just using it because he wanted to get home or whatever.

00:19:43.000 He wanted to do whatever the fuck he wanted to do.

00:19:44.000 He wanted to go through this light.

00:19:45.000 And he slammed in this woman and killed her.

00:19:48.000 And it was...

00:19:49.000 It was bad.

00:19:50.000 You know?

00:19:50.000 It was...

00:19:51.000 I mean, they wanted him dead.

00:19:52.000 I remember this.

00:19:53.000 Like, people were fucking really upset that someone died because someone abused a public thing like that.

00:20:00.000 You know, people...

00:20:02.000 You know, people expect that if an ambulance is coming through, it's risking safety because it's trying to save a life.

00:20:06.000 And this dick was just driving around.

00:20:08.000 Thought it was cute to run red lights.

00:20:11.000 Check this out.

00:20:12.000 Whoop, whoop, whoop.

00:20:13.000 You know, slammed into somebody.

00:20:14.000 I always pull over.

00:20:15.000 I see...

00:20:16.000 Today, a cop went...

00:20:17.000 About three cop cars went by me.

00:20:18.000 Me and maybe two other people pulled over.

00:20:20.000 That lady, they don't fucking pull over.

00:20:22.000 They don't fucking pull over.

00:20:24.000 It's scary.

00:20:25.000 Yeah, people are dickish, man.

00:20:26.000 They like to wait for other people to pull over so they can pull over and follow the ambulance and cut a path through.

00:20:32.000 I've seen people do that.

00:20:33.000 They don't do it at all out here.

00:20:35.000 I mean, Ohio, everybody in the whole fucking highway would pull over.

00:20:37.000 I just saw it today and I'm like, this is fucking rude.

00:20:40.000 California is some of the worst driving manners I've ever experienced in my life.

00:20:43.000 Ever, ever, ever, ever.

00:20:45.000 It's so rare, first of all, that anybody ever gets out of the fast lane.

00:20:49.000 It's amazing.

00:20:49.000 When you watch someone in the fast lane, and you watch someone pull up behind them, and you see them just sit there, and then the other person has to go around.

00:20:56.000 They look, and they know, and they know they're going slow.

00:20:59.000 They're going 60. Get out of the lane.

00:21:02.000 They don't want to get out of the lane.

00:21:03.000 It's my fucking lane.

00:21:05.000 It's my car.

00:21:06.000 It's my lane.

00:21:07.000 In the East Coast, you're dealing with these little two-lane roads.

00:21:10.000 Two lanes on each side.

00:21:12.000 So everybody who's going slow goes to the fucking right.

00:21:15.000 It's that simple.

00:21:15.000 You don't want the 90?

00:21:15.000 Move the fuck over.

00:21:16.000 Yeah, it's that simple.

00:21:17.000 That's it.

00:21:17.000 It's okay.

00:21:17.000 But California, it's like everything else.

00:21:19.000 It's like such a wealth of lanes out here.

00:21:22.000 There's so many fucking lanes on the highway.

00:21:24.000 The people are like, we're just going to another lane.

00:21:27.000 We're going to have to go fast.

00:21:30.000 Why can't I move over?

00:21:34.000 Check this out.

00:21:35.000 Have you seen this?

00:21:35.000 Rethink your drink.

00:21:36.000 This shows how much sugar is in each different kind of drink I think it is.

00:21:40.000 Oh my god, look at Red Bull.

00:21:42.000 Holy fuck, is that real?

00:21:43.000 Or is that caffeine?

00:21:45.000 Caffeine.

00:21:46.000 That's sugar?

00:21:47.000 Oh yeah.

00:21:47.000 Oh my god, look how much sugar is in Red Bull.

00:21:51.000 That's insane.

00:21:52.000 It's the same as a small Mountain Dew though.

00:21:54.000 It is, right?

00:21:56.000 Oh my god.

00:21:56.000 That's not even a regular sized Mountain Dew it looks like.

00:21:58.000 And you know what?

00:21:59.000 Here's the other thing.

00:22:00.000 It'd be better if it was actually sugar in there.

00:22:02.000 Now, was there sugar in water?

00:22:03.000 Is that what that's saying?

00:22:03.000 Yeah, what is this saying about water?

00:22:05.000 Yeah, there's sugar in fucking water.

00:22:06.000 Bottled water.

00:22:07.000 How is that possible?

00:22:08.000 That's not true.

00:22:09.000 That's zero.

00:22:10.000 That shows zero, right?

00:22:11.000 So that's Kool-Aid?

00:22:12.000 No.

00:22:13.000 Is that water?

00:22:14.000 I think that's just a reflection.

00:22:15.000 Yeah, I think you're right.

00:22:16.000 Yeah.

00:22:18.000 Yeah.

00:22:19.000 Right?

00:22:19.000 Yeah.

00:22:20.000 It's trying to get you to drink water, obviously.

00:22:22.000 Yeah.

00:22:22.000 Or even that little packet of Kool-Aid.

00:22:25.000 That's ridiculous.

00:22:26.000 That's the same amount as a little...

00:22:27.000 Wait, chocolate milk.

00:22:29.000 That's crazy.

00:22:29.000 Yeah, there's a lot of sugar in our lives, folks.

00:22:32.000 We're kind of hooked on that.

00:22:34.000 Yeah, I'm trying not to drink coffee right now, and I've been drinking this Trenta-sized passion fruit iced tea every day.

00:22:41.000 It has no caffeine in it, but I don't get the sweetener in it, and I get Splenda.

00:22:46.000 Delicious.

00:22:47.000 Yeah, but it's got to give you brain cancer with that much Splenda, drinking that much Splenda.

00:22:50.000 Stevia.

00:22:51.000 Go with the Stevia.

00:22:52.000 Yeah, but Starbucks doesn't have Stevia for some reason.

00:22:54.000 We've got a little package here.

00:22:56.000 Take some of these home.

00:22:57.000 We've got a gang of them here.

00:22:58.000 Why don't you think Starbucks goes on Stevia too expensive?

00:23:02.000 I don't know.

00:23:02.000 Maybe they have a deal with Splenda to keep people from knowing about Stevia.

00:23:07.000 Suppressing knowledge, dog.

00:23:10.000 Suppressing that herbal goodness.

00:23:12.000 Stevia is delicious.

00:23:13.000 It took me a little while to get used to it, but knowing that it's an herbal sweetener and that it's like literally no strings attached.

00:23:21.000 It's just your body takes it in.

00:23:23.000 Am I telling the truth?

00:23:25.000 Does it seem to have any health side effects?

00:23:28.000 I think recently I heard some stuff.

00:23:29.000 And that's why people were telling me to go to something else, that other one that's like with an X or a Z or a Xavier.

00:23:36.000 Oh, Xylitol.

00:23:37.000 Xylitol.

00:23:38.000 Yeah, I've heard that as well.

00:23:40.000 Like some people like the Xylitol.

00:23:42.000 Well, there was a reason that people were saying something recently about Stevia.

00:23:45.000 Maybe I'm wrong.

00:23:45.000 Okay, well, let's Google it.

00:23:46.000 Google that.

00:23:47.000 What's wrong with Stevia?

00:23:48.000 What do you do, Joey?

00:23:49.000 Do you do straight Stevia?

00:23:50.000 I have a little Stevia at the house that Aubrey gave me.

00:23:53.000 I have the blue packages.

00:23:56.000 I like it because it's super strong, too.

00:23:58.000 I have sugar, too, which I don't use.

00:24:01.000 Every once in a while with a new coffee machine, I'll make a Cuban coffee.

00:24:04.000 But, ah, you know what's crazy, dog?

00:24:07.000 The biggest addiction I ever had was to Coca-Cola.

00:24:10.000 And with the Weight Watchers, I stopped drinking soda.

00:24:13.000 And it was like the toughest three months of my fucking life, guys.

00:24:17.000 Like, I thought it was worse than getting off the blow, not having, like, Chinese food or something with a Coke.

00:24:22.000 The other day, I went to some place to eat, and the guy goes, we're out of Diet Coke.

00:24:27.000 I said, you know what?

00:24:28.000 Give me a Coke.

00:24:29.000 It was fucking horrible.

00:24:31.000 It's too sugary.

00:24:32.000 Oh my God.

00:24:33.000 It's ridiculous.

00:24:34.000 Oh my fucking God, it was terrible.

00:24:36.000 Sweat this.

00:24:37.000 Stevia is used as a weight loss aid.

00:24:39.000 It's used for treating diabetes, high blood pressure, and heartburn, for lowering uric acid levels, and for preventing pregnancy.

00:24:50.000 Wow.

00:24:55.000 Yeah.

00:24:56.000 That doesn't seem like you could eat that all day.

00:25:00.000 It seems like if you ate that all day, you'd have some fucking issues.

00:25:04.000 I mean, maybe we should talk to Tate.

00:25:06.000 He could be our patient zero, because that dude's got Stevie in his system all day.

00:25:10.000 He just drinks those mugs of Bulletproof coffee.

00:25:13.000 I should give a plug to Tate, too, because Tate just started his own mobile coffee business.

00:25:20.000 He's doing a butter coffee truck.

00:25:24.000 And they, I guess they roll around.

00:25:27.000 It's called Rolling Butter.

00:25:28.000 It's rolling underscore butter on Twitter.

00:25:31.000 And he's got like a butter coffee truck.

00:25:33.000 All sorts of different flavors and shit.

00:25:35.000 He shows up at CrossFit events.

00:25:37.000 Those CrossFit guys are junkies for that butter coffee.

00:25:40.000 Like bulletproof coffee.

00:25:41.000 The MCT oil in it.

00:25:43.000 So Tate decided to set up a truck.

00:25:45.000 And just roll around.

00:25:46.000 He had his first event this week.

00:25:48.000 He needs to go to the Arnold Classic.

00:25:51.000 Oh, yeah, but the last thing you want to do is take a fucking truck all the way to Ohio.

00:25:56.000 Especially in March.

00:25:58.000 In March in Ohio, son, you might get fucked.

00:26:01.000 That shit might go ugly on you.

00:26:03.000 It could easily snow like a bitch in March, right?

00:26:06.000 Yeah.

00:26:06.000 Oh, yeah.

00:26:07.000 It's risky in March.

00:26:09.000 Remember that time back when you were making the videos where that one dude, he took his shirt off and you made a video about it?

00:26:16.000 He took his shirt off in the audience and was dancing around.

00:26:19.000 Remember that guy?

00:26:20.000 He was hammered.

00:26:21.000 And then he gave me a big hug and then he was so, I mean, ridiculously hammered.

00:26:26.000 And then after the show, we found him in the parking lot.

00:26:29.000 Blood all over his face.

00:26:31.000 No shirt on.

00:26:31.000 Somebody beat the shit out of him.

00:26:33.000 And it was like zero degrees out.

00:26:35.000 We're like, well, take care, buddy.

00:26:37.000 Get in the car.

00:26:39.000 That's a fucking normal Friday night for that dude, probably.

00:26:42.000 Totally.

00:26:45.000 As they're telling you the story, they're pulling a tooth out of their mouth.

00:26:48.000 Yeah, sometimes.

00:26:49.000 Like those guys?

00:26:50.000 Yeah.

00:26:50.000 They fucking hit me with a bat.

00:26:52.000 Oh, shit.

00:26:53.000 Oh, fuck.

00:26:53.000 And they fucking show it to you.

00:26:55.000 They hit me with a bat.

00:26:56.000 You got any ice on you?

00:26:57.000 An extra bat?

00:26:58.000 An extra jacket?

00:26:59.000 What the fuck, guy?

00:27:01.000 I'll tell you what.

00:27:02.000 That show Friday night that we did was...

00:27:06.000 That was a nice place.

00:27:07.000 I had never been there before.

00:27:08.000 The joint?

00:27:08.000 Yeah, that was great.

00:27:09.000 The joint.

00:27:10.000 Well, the audience was amazing.

00:27:13.000 You know, the audiences we've been getting lately are just off the charts.

00:27:16.000 They're so happy.

00:27:18.000 It's like such a friendly, happy group.

00:27:21.000 Like, overwhelmingly.

00:27:22.000 It's amazing.

00:27:22.000 I don't know how we ever pulled it off, but it's amazing.

00:27:25.000 And the joint was probably one of the best ones yet.

00:27:28.000 It was one of the best crowds ever.

00:27:29.000 It was amazing.

00:27:31.000 Everybody's so friendly.

00:27:32.000 That bar was great.

00:27:33.000 We had a blast at that bar.

00:27:33.000 Yeah, we had a great time.

00:27:35.000 Joey and I went to that center bar and we held court for like three hours.

00:27:39.000 Three hours.

00:27:40.000 Just hanging around talking to people.

00:27:43.000 Max Eberle got too drunk.

00:27:45.000 Did you see drunk Max Eberle?

00:27:48.000 Was he throwing Asians?

00:27:49.000 He tortured this little Asian Jersey girl.

00:27:54.000 She was half-Asian, half-Irish.

00:27:56.000 He was torturing her.

00:27:57.000 He'll torture your mom.

00:27:59.000 He don't give a fuck.

00:28:02.000 He's a great guy, though.

00:28:04.000 He'll zoom in on you.

00:28:05.000 It's over.

00:28:06.000 Yeah, we had an awesome time.

00:28:07.000 You know what?

00:28:09.000 There was a lot of good vibes.

00:28:11.000 Nice people.

00:28:12.000 I took the limo over to the fucking South Point.

00:28:14.000 Yeah, you did another show after that.

00:28:16.000 At 12.30.

00:28:16.000 Jay Davis was there.

00:28:18.000 Jason Rouse was there.

00:28:19.000 What is it like?

00:28:21.000 Bro, it was mind-boggling.

00:28:23.000 Really?

00:28:23.000 I'm thinking of doing the weekend there.

00:28:25.000 Really?

00:28:25.000 I'm going to call them in August and go, give me the 1230 at 1230. Wow, it was that good?

00:28:31.000 And here's what's going on.

00:28:32.000 That all these comics work.

00:28:34.000 Like Bobby Collins is there.

00:28:35.000 Right.

00:28:36.000 Bobby Collins did 10. Some other girl did 10. It was smooth.

00:28:39.000 Wow.

00:28:40.000 So there's like a bunch of real comics doing it.

00:28:42.000 Oh my God, there had to be 250 in there.

00:28:44.000 Peak 250 people at 1230. No shit.

00:28:46.000 All the locals.

00:28:48.000 Wow.

00:28:48.000 And this is what they were telling me.

00:28:49.000 Like, people coming back with drinks, like, people who can't...

00:28:52.000 Bro, let me tell you something.

00:28:53.000 I went over there, and there had to be 150 people from the joint show.

00:28:57.000 No shit.

00:28:58.000 That showed up with tickets for me to sign.

00:28:59.000 We told them you were going there.

00:29:01.000 And they were going, listen, man, this is fucking amazing.

00:29:04.000 I just got four cocktails for $17.

00:29:07.000 Didn't we announce it on stage?

00:29:09.000 You did.

00:29:10.000 You were drinking something.

00:29:11.000 Something was going on.

00:29:11.000 I didn't know.

00:29:12.000 I didn't know for sure.

00:29:13.000 People were like, hey, you're going to be at the South Point?

00:29:14.000 Yeah.

00:29:15.000 Went over there.

00:29:15.000 I see Jay Davies.

00:29:16.000 Seen a bunch of comics I hadn't seen.

00:29:18.000 Just hang out drinking.

00:29:19.000 Well, we should do that when we're in town.

00:29:21.000 Oh, yeah.

00:29:21.000 In between the big shows.

00:29:22.000 Every Friday they do it.

00:29:23.000 Every Friday.

00:29:24.000 1230. Why not, right?

00:29:25.000 I like a 1230 spot.

00:29:26.000 Elnor was asking if you guys were going to go stop by.

00:29:30.000 I guess they had a show at the other club at the Hard Rock the same night.

00:29:33.000 Vinyl.

00:29:34.000 At the other Hard Rock?

00:29:35.000 Oh, Eleanor and Dice did?

00:29:36.000 Yeah.

00:29:37.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

00:29:38.000 So they were in the same place as us?

00:29:40.000 Yeah, and they were seeing if you wanted to come before or after.

00:29:43.000 I think it was before.

00:29:44.000 Well, apparently his son was playing.

00:29:46.000 He wanted us to come watch his son's band after my show, but we got mobbed by people.

00:29:54.000 Justin was with us, so we had some friends.

00:29:57.000 He's there like every weekend, right?

00:29:59.000 I think so.

00:30:00.000 For a while?

00:30:00.000 Yeah.

00:30:00.000 Something like that?

00:30:02.000 It was amazing how many comics were there.

00:30:06.000 Like, a lot of guys came up and say hello, did Joe come?

00:30:09.000 A lot of guys I didn't recognize.

00:30:10.000 I didn't know their names.

00:30:12.000 Well, you know what?

00:30:13.000 If Vegas was, like, really smoothly run, there would be a real comedy scene there.

00:30:18.000 I mean, it doesn't make sense there wouldn't be.

00:30:20.000 You're dealing with all these tourists that are coming in from out of town on a regular basis.

00:30:36.000 We're good to go.

00:30:44.000 And, you know, there's people in town in Vegas that are always looking to do something.

00:30:49.000 I know the casinos would like to keep the shows in the casinos, and it's great to do the joint.

00:30:54.000 I mean, that was perfect for us.

00:30:56.000 But, like, for the local comics, there should be a few comedy clubs in Vegas.

00:31:01.000 It seems like you could have, like, a real local scene in Vegas.

00:31:05.000 I can't believe this.

00:31:06.000 This is how embarrassing this is, and I hate to say this because people are going to think I'm...

00:31:09.000 We walked past Brad Garrett's, and it's like, eh.

00:31:13.000 Like, we ain't going to Brad Garrett's.

00:31:14.000 Nobody goes to Brad Garrett's.

00:31:16.000 No, like, we're not going, because they don't, you know.

00:31:17.000 Well, Duncan, no, no, I shouldn't say that, because, uh, not Duncan.

00:31:20.000 Dom!

00:31:21.000 Dom does it.

00:31:22.000 He likes it.

00:31:23.000 Yeah, he likes it.

00:31:23.000 That's why, but it's like, they'll never call him.

00:31:24.000 Why don't we go?

00:31:25.000 It's because we're too dirty?

00:31:26.000 Is that what it is?

00:31:26.000 I don't know.

00:31:27.000 I think that he just likes a certain style, and, you know, I don't, I think Adam Hunter did it, and he liked it.

00:31:31.000 He asked me, and But, you know, when I see it, I'm like, ah, like I never even think of it.

00:31:36.000 I always assume that I'm too dirty.

00:31:37.000 And then the L.A. Comedy Club hit me up when I was in Vegas saying if we wanted to go over there late night and do a spot.

00:31:44.000 What's the L.A. Comedy Club?

00:31:45.000 It's at Bally's, I guess.

00:31:46.000 So there is a few comedy clubs.

00:31:47.000 Yeah, there's a little action.

00:31:48.000 But a lot of them have like, they have like Roseanne Barr there every night.

00:31:52.000 Right, every night.

00:31:52.000 Like the Last Factory has Roseanne Barr there.

00:31:54.000 Okay, let me ask you this.

00:31:56.000 How does that work?

00:31:57.000 How does someone do, like, the same town every night, like five, six nights a week for years and years and years?

00:32:03.000 Because in Vegas, everybody shows up on Monday.

00:32:04.000 Yeah, they have new people.

00:32:04.000 I know, they have new people, but how do you not go crazy?

00:32:07.000 Because it's fucking Vegas and it has the hottest shit going on all day.

00:32:10.000 It's like the best party, you know?

00:32:12.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:32:12.000 But let me tell you something, buddy.

00:32:13.000 Best food.

00:32:14.000 Sweetie pie.

00:32:15.000 If you lived there, it's very likely you might lose your mind.

00:32:18.000 Vegas has got, there's a void in that town.

00:32:21.000 You know, there's a lot of good people that live in Vegas and there's a lot of fun in Vegas, but there's this, the devil lives in Vegas.

00:32:28.000 You know he does.

00:32:29.000 We all know he does.

00:32:31.000 And if you lived there, if you were there, you lived there.

00:32:34.000 Ooh, I don't know, Brian.

00:32:36.000 I don't know.

00:32:36.000 The devil has the baddest bitches, Joe.

00:32:38.000 Listen, I'm 50 years old.

00:32:39.000 A lot of fun in Vegas, to tell you that.

00:32:40.000 Five, six years, I'm still alive.

00:32:42.000 I might want to go to Vegas.

00:32:43.000 You know, you get older.

00:32:44.000 Do you want to do Monday through Saturday?

00:32:46.000 First off, I wouldn't stay in the casino, Joe.

00:32:48.000 Of course.

00:32:48.000 I live 45 minutes out of there.

00:32:50.000 That would not be my life at all.

00:32:52.000 But, like, when I heard Roseanne Barr...

00:32:54.000 She's doing it?

00:32:54.000 Yeah.

00:32:55.000 She lives in Vegas now?

00:32:56.000 No, I guess she commutes or stays.

00:32:58.000 I don't know what the deal is.

00:32:58.000 One day a week?

00:32:59.000 No, she does the whole week for Jimmy Masada.

00:33:01.000 The whole week?

00:33:02.000 Yeah, Monday through she does the 8 o'clock show.

00:33:04.000 Then 10 o'clock a lineup comes in and they do it.

00:33:08.000 No shit.

00:33:09.000 Yeah.

00:33:10.000 So a lot of people, like that dude just changed it to ten.

00:33:12.000 You know, Bobby couldn't make it work.

00:33:14.000 It takes a certain comic to make it work.

00:33:17.000 The hotel has to get behind you.

00:33:18.000 Right.

00:33:19.000 You know, Vegas ain't what it used to be, dog.

00:33:21.000 It's not.

00:33:21.000 You know, I read an article that the UFC brings how much money per weekend when there's a Vegas or what?

00:33:26.000 I don't know.

00:33:26.000 $60 million.

00:33:27.000 Yeah, I would imagine.

00:33:28.000 And it's like, wow, yeah.

00:33:30.000 Yeah.

00:33:30.000 I see it.

00:33:31.000 I see the fucking concessions.

00:33:32.000 You know, the cheerleading competition from Ogallala, Nebraska.

00:33:36.000 Ain't gonna do that type of stuff.

00:33:37.000 This is the fucking UFC. Yeah, that's one of the reasons why it's so disgusting that it's illegal in New York.

00:33:42.000 Because they would make so much money from having a UFC there.

00:33:45.000 It would generate so much revenue.

00:33:47.000 For the city, it would be fantastic.

00:33:49.000 And the fact that these dirty unions have kept it out for that long, it's really kind of spectacular.

00:33:55.000 Can you imagine the UFC at Madison Square Garden?

00:33:56.000 Oh, my goodness!

00:33:56.000 Just close your fucking eyes for five fucking minutes.

00:33:59.000 Oh, my goodness.

00:33:59.000 We go to the Palms first.

00:34:00.000 We get a steak with lobster on it or some shit.

00:34:02.000 A lobster fucking bisque and a house salad.

00:34:05.000 We shoot over.

00:34:06.000 Are you fucking kidding me?

00:34:08.000 A wedge with grilled cheese and crumbles.

00:34:08.000 And you've got to remember that in New York, when we get out of that motherfucking UFC at 11 o'clock, because the UFC ends at 1 in New York.

00:34:14.000 So we'd be walking out of the garden at 1 fucking 30. It's like walking into your oyster.

00:34:20.000 Your oyster?

00:34:20.000 Of life.

00:34:21.000 You know how everything is open.

00:34:23.000 You get anything.

00:34:23.000 You get Chinese-Cuban.

00:34:24.000 You get Italian in the Bronx.

00:34:26.000 You get fucking scungillo salad.

00:34:27.000 You can get whatever the fuck you want at 1.30 in the morning.

00:34:30.000 We don't have to go get a steak.

00:34:31.000 We go to Chinatown.

00:34:32.000 We got spaghetti and clam sauce.

00:34:34.000 How many spots are there in L.A. where you can pull that off?

00:34:36.000 At 1 in the morning.

00:34:37.000 There's a few.

00:34:38.000 Name them.

00:34:39.000 The standard?

00:34:40.000 Dantana's.

00:34:41.000 Dantana's is open till two?

00:34:42.000 Dantana's is open till two, yeah.

00:34:43.000 They serve till two?

00:34:44.000 I believe they do.

00:34:45.000 That's amazing.

00:34:45.000 I'm pretty sure.

00:34:46.000 I got a steak there, I know, one night after the Comedy Store, really late.

00:34:48.000 And it was goddamn delicious.

00:34:50.000 Oh, it's delicious with the cider pasta.

00:34:51.000 Oh, so good, yeah.

00:34:52.000 Good googly moogly.

00:34:53.000 Dantana's is like one of those legit, old-school restaurants from the East Coast that exists in California somehow or another.

00:35:01.000 And there's very few places like that place.

00:35:03.000 I'm going to tell you whatever place exists in California.

00:35:05.000 Really?

00:35:06.000 It's on Santa Monica Boulevard.

00:35:07.000 It's sensational.

00:35:08.000 Oh my god, it's insane.

00:35:09.000 I just was at the spot a couple weeks ago, one of my favorite clubs in the country, the San Jose Improv.

00:35:14.000 Oh, I love that place.

00:35:15.000 It's down the block from the hotel.

00:35:17.000 Everything's easy.

00:35:18.000 Original Joe's.

00:35:18.000 But then you got motherfucking Original Joe's for lunch.

00:35:21.000 And you go in there, you get the house salad with the spaghetti meat.

00:35:24.000 I can't even eat the meatball and sausage no more.

00:35:26.000 It's so much.

00:35:27.000 I get so scared.

00:35:28.000 I just get the fucking regular ragu sauce now.

00:35:30.000 No bread, no butter, and the house salad.

00:35:33.000 They cook a fucking hell of a steak, too.

00:35:35.000 They got a char-boiled grill.

00:35:37.000 Charcoal grill.

00:35:38.000 They use real wood charcoal.

00:35:40.000 No, they don't fuck around.

00:35:40.000 Oh, so good.

00:35:40.000 And the waiters with those fucking things.

00:35:42.000 Tuxedos.

00:35:43.000 I've been eating the original Joe's since 80 motherfucking five in the Tenderloin.

00:35:46.000 Have you really?

00:35:47.000 Not that one.

00:35:48.000 The Tenderloin.

00:35:49.000 I've never been to that one.

00:35:50.000 Just as good?

00:35:51.000 They just burnt down.

00:35:52.000 They Jewish lightning.

00:35:53.000 Ha!

00:35:57.000 I did San Francisco last week.

00:35:59.000 I was in town.

00:36:01.000 Tremendous food town.

00:36:02.000 Another tremendous food town.

00:36:03.000 You love that one hill.

00:36:05.000 Every time we go, you take me to that hill to eat pasta.

00:36:07.000 We fucking go nuts.

00:36:09.000 You're like, no, we're going to this place.

00:36:10.000 Is that Calzone's?

00:36:12.000 Calzone's on Columbus?

00:36:13.000 Oh my god.

00:36:14.000 And we go there after shows too.

00:36:16.000 Yeah, and that's a legit place.

00:36:17.000 Yeah, that's a legit place.

00:36:19.000 Remember there was that other place down the street where I got that video of Tommy Buns?

00:36:23.000 He was dancing.

00:36:24.000 Segura was dancing some music.

00:36:26.000 And you came in.

00:36:26.000 It was you and me and Secura.

00:36:28.000 Remember that?

00:36:28.000 Yep.

00:36:29.000 What's that Asian place, too, that we go to?

00:36:30.000 Like the really creepy one?

00:36:32.000 Oh, yeah.

00:36:32.000 With Denny.

00:36:32.000 Yeah.

00:36:33.000 Well, it's in like a sketchy area where we went outside.

00:36:37.000 We had some Asian food after the show.

00:36:39.000 And as we left, we went outside the door.

00:36:41.000 And they had an aquarium drive by filled with strippers.

00:36:45.000 Oh, that's right.

00:36:45.000 Do you remember that?

00:36:46.000 We got a video of the hoe truck.

00:36:48.000 It's on YouTube somewhere.

00:36:50.000 This truck pulled up.

00:36:52.000 We're like, this is the craziest thing I've ever seen in my life.

00:36:55.000 And the cops would pull up beside him and hit the lights, tell everybody, sit down, sit down, because they're only allowed to dance when the truck's not moving.

00:37:03.000 Yeah.

00:37:03.000 So they had seat belts they'd have to wear.

00:37:05.000 So it's like a pole, and there's like some seats, like little tiny seats with seat bolts, and the fucking cop would pull up and hit the lights and go, sit down, sit down!

00:37:14.000 This girl's dancing on a pole in the back of a fucking seat.

00:37:18.000 And all I could think of was imagining life from their eyes.

00:37:22.000 You're naked, and you're just driving around like bait.

00:37:27.000 Like, they're chumming.

00:37:29.000 They're chumming the whole city to try to get them into this club.

00:37:32.000 And they're doing it by putting bait in a box.

00:37:36.000 Like, that's what people have been reduced to.

00:37:38.000 Like, a woman in the smallest amount of clothes legally possible, with ridiculous shoes that you know she can't run good in, and she's dancing around on a pole asking you to come with her.

00:37:52.000 It's crazy.

00:37:53.000 It's ridiculous.

00:37:55.000 A fucking fish tank full of chicks.

00:37:58.000 I went to the Playboy Mansion, and I got to see all his rare birds, and he's the largest collector of rare birds ever.

00:38:07.000 Really?

00:38:07.000 Yeah, and you walk in, I don't know if it's the number one, but maybe in California or whatever.

00:38:13.000 On his block.

00:38:13.000 Yeah, right.

00:38:14.000 But when you walk in, there's these birds there that don't even look like real birds.

00:38:17.000 I was thinking...

00:38:19.000 I haven't even seen that before in a book or a magazine or on TV. So when you saw it in person, it just seemed like it was fake.

00:38:26.000 It was so awesome.

00:38:27.000 He has the coolest animals, like monkeys, collections that I've ever seen.

00:38:31.000 He has these monkeys that look like old men that just come up and they have these beards and these mustaches and they look like samurais.

00:38:38.000 Did it freak you out that they're locked in a little cage?

00:38:41.000 No, because they're humongous cages.

00:38:44.000 It was like having a cage be the size of a football field.

00:38:48.000 How many acres does that dude have out there?

00:38:50.000 It was a lot because I got the full tour.

00:38:52.000 Most times you go to the Playboy Mansion, it's sectioned off and you're at the small Piece of it.

00:38:58.000 I was there with friends of the family.

00:39:00.000 The girl I was with, her mom was married to Hugh in the 70s.

00:39:03.000 And so she's just like, let me show you around.

00:39:05.000 So I got to go.

00:39:06.000 I don't even think I saw it all.

00:39:08.000 I mean, I walked for long periods of time on these paths where they would have these little benches, like blowjob stations, and then go for another mile down the path.

00:39:17.000 I would imagine that place would be expensive as fuck to keep up.

00:39:21.000 He had a staff of about 100, 200 people there, too.

00:39:24.000 All the time?

00:39:25.000 I don't know.

00:39:26.000 100?

00:39:27.000 200 people?

00:39:28.000 There's a lot of people.

00:39:28.000 Could you imagine you had to pay 100 people to run your house?

00:39:33.000 Yeah.

00:39:34.000 That's craziness.

00:39:36.000 Didn't Joan Rivers have some shit like that?

00:39:38.000 I don't know if Joan Rivers, but you know at the end of the day, that place, the comedy store, they should just pick those places up and put them together so people could see that for centuries when the world ends, is it?

00:39:49.000 Because that's one of the most interesting places in the world.

00:39:53.000 Fuck Disneyland with fucking rides and Mickey Mouse.

00:39:56.000 The mansion.

00:39:57.000 How many cocks were really sucked there?

00:39:59.000 How many dreams were broken there?

00:40:01.000 How many women left there going, I'm done?

00:40:03.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:40:04.000 Like, I just sucked 11 cocks.

00:40:06.000 I got crabs.

00:40:06.000 I got chlamydia.

00:40:07.000 I'm done.

00:40:08.000 And he didn't put me in the magazine.

00:40:10.000 You think of what really happened in there.

00:40:13.000 Because that's completely different than being on the East Coast.

00:40:15.000 That's a fucking den of broken dreams.

00:40:18.000 You know what was the coolest thing?

00:40:19.000 Was how many older Playmates were there?

00:40:22.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:40:23.000 They were the coolest girls in the world.

00:40:25.000 I was sitting in the game room, smoking weed on the...

00:40:27.000 I mean, I don't know if I should say that.

00:40:29.000 Easy!

00:40:30.000 Disrespect the mansion like that.

00:40:32.000 There's this room that the floor's made out of, like, a mattress.

00:40:37.000 So, like, you walk in, and some of your feet feel weird.

00:40:40.000 You're like, what the fuck?

00:40:40.000 Are you wearing shoes?

00:40:41.000 Yeah.

00:40:41.000 It's great to get staffed.

00:40:42.000 Right, I know.

00:40:43.000 Everybody's fucking to get staffed.

00:40:44.000 But the carpet just doesn't, it looks like carpet, but it's actually a mattress.

00:40:48.000 So you just sit down.

00:40:50.000 Anyways, but there was like these ladies that would come out of nowhere, and they were beautiful, like the most beautiful cougars ever.

00:40:55.000 How old?

00:40:55.000 I'd say 45, 48. How old?

00:40:58.000 Wow.

00:40:58.000 And they would just come up and like, hey guys, how's it going?

00:41:01.000 Mind if I join you?

00:41:02.000 And you're just like, that's the coolest chick, hot chick, huh?

00:41:04.000 Is that part of their occupation to sort of mingle?

00:41:09.000 Well, it was July 4th, so I think it was more of just like all the old people.

00:41:12.000 Everybody's family.

00:41:13.000 It was like a family.

00:41:15.000 Barbie Benton.

00:41:16.000 All those chicks were playing mates, bro.

00:41:18.000 Was she really?

00:41:19.000 Barbie Benton was a playin' man, I think.

00:41:20.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:41:21.000 Is she still doin' comedy?

00:41:22.000 No, Barbie Benton from the 70s.

00:41:25.000 Who's talking about?

00:41:25.000 The brunette when we were kids, the hot brunette.

00:41:27.000 Who am I thinkin' of?

00:41:29.000 Barbie with the vein in her tit from the comedy store that used to do that weed room on fuckin' Vermont, the hotel.

00:41:36.000 That's it.

00:41:36.000 Vein in her tit!

00:41:37.000 Barbie, yeah, yeah, what's her name?

00:41:39.000 Was she used to have the yellow car?

00:41:40.000 Is that what the yellow mess is?

00:41:42.000 She had fake tits, but they put the vein from her bicep right in her tit.

00:41:46.000 Instead of a tattoo, this bitch had a big ol' yolk vein.

00:41:50.000 Like, she had been doing fuckin' crunches.

00:41:52.000 Not crunches, but flies all after them on the peck machine.

00:41:55.000 Whatever the fuck it is.

00:41:58.000 I kept on thinking I was going to see Felicia Michaels.

00:42:00.000 It was like a bunch of people like Felicia Michaels coming up here.

00:42:03.000 Does Felicia go there?

00:42:05.000 No, I don't think she goes there.

00:42:06.000 I think she's been there for parties, like all of us.

00:42:09.000 How's she doing?

00:42:10.000 She doing stand-up?

00:42:10.000 Good, yeah.

00:42:11.000 She's doing whatever.

00:42:12.000 A lot of stand-up?

00:42:12.000 I don't know.

00:42:13.000 I don't know.

00:42:13.000 She was a funny chick, man.

00:42:15.000 Yeah, they were all, everybody's doing good, but that place is very interesting.

00:42:20.000 Like, I went there with a complete different, like, I did the comedy for Tom Likens Day years ago on Fridays.

00:42:25.000 Oh, yeah?

00:42:25.000 And I go and hang out, and some of it, I can't lie to you, it's not my cup of tea, you know, it's not...

00:42:29.000 Yeah.

00:42:30.000 You're either gonna suck my dick or you're not gonna walk around naked and talk to me like that.

00:42:33.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:42:34.000 I hear you.

00:42:35.000 Suck my dick.

00:42:35.000 I understand.

00:42:38.000 Where, you know, and they were just people, and you're looking at them and you feel bad, but they're having a great time.

00:42:43.000 And they have, like, people who come up there with the illusion that they're gonna meet Playmates.

00:42:48.000 Like, they had guys.

00:42:49.000 Yeah, they had cologne on and shit.

00:42:51.000 Polyester suits, three-piece, the shoes.

00:42:54.000 It's really, it was weird.

00:42:56.000 But when you look at that place, you go, what really went on in that?

00:43:00.000 Well, what's interesting to me is, if I think about it, the Playboy Mansion is that it's sort of like the last sort of house like that of a...

00:43:08.000 Ever.

00:43:09.000 It's not going to exist anymore.

00:43:10.000 I think it's going to be a museum because when I was walking through it, it felt very like I could see this being a museum.

00:43:15.000 Well, it should be, kind of.

00:43:16.000 Yeah, you can.

00:43:16.000 And it's not disrespectful at all.

00:43:18.000 I think that no one...

00:43:20.000 I mean, maybe someone could do something like that in the future where they could create like a whole destination...

00:43:26.000 But that's a destination.

00:43:27.000 It's not just a house.

00:43:28.000 It's not just a business.

00:43:29.000 It would be like, oh, there's the Strikeforce fights this weekend at the Playboy Mansion.

00:43:33.000 They had fights there.

00:43:34.000 We went to watch fights there.

00:43:36.000 They had more than one mixed martial arts event there.

00:43:41.000 I met Hefner's kids, though, and his sons, and I think they're going to take over.

00:43:46.000 I mean, they look like young versions of him.

00:43:48.000 I could see them just stepping in and being like fucking pimps.

00:43:52.000 Well, it makes sense.

00:43:54.000 He would groom them.

00:43:55.000 You know, why wouldn't he want to keep that business in the family?

00:43:57.000 It's an iconic name, you know?

00:43:59.000 It's like you can't go wrong with good management with that whole Playboy thing.

00:44:03.000 The crazy thing, when I lived in Boulder...

00:44:04.000 Just licensing those tattoos.

00:44:05.000 Yeah.

00:44:06.000 When I lived in Boulder, there was a girl in Boulder who...

00:44:08.000 There was a limo in Boulder at all times that said half number one on it.

00:44:13.000 And it was a white stretch limo and it had a black driver.

00:44:16.000 And the chick was blonde and her claim to fame was that she was Hef's daughter.

00:44:20.000 Really?

00:44:21.000 And she went to the University of Colorado and they drove her everywhere in a fucking limo.

00:44:24.000 Wow, a Hef one limo.

00:44:25.000 Half one limo.

00:44:27.000 Wow.

00:44:28.000 Look how much coke she did in that limo.

00:44:32.000 That's a thing.

00:44:32.000 I mean, how many people...

00:44:33.000 I know, like, James Caan was associated.

00:44:35.000 Like, I watched that movie.

00:44:36.000 It was on about a month ago.

00:44:38.000 That stupid movie, 21. What was that movie that the girl got killed?

00:44:42.000 Eric Roberts played the creepy boyfriend.

00:44:44.000 Oh, yeah.

00:44:44.000 No, no, no.

00:44:45.000 I'm sorry.

00:44:47.000 Come on.

00:44:48.000 Come on, guys.

00:44:49.000 What the fuck?

00:44:51.000 She was the playmate 1981. Sharon...

00:44:54.000 I know Eric Roberts played Killer.

00:44:59.000 They did two movies.

00:45:00.000 19 what?

00:45:00.000 19 what-ish?

00:45:01.000 She was the playmate in the 80s?

00:45:02.000 Yeah, Star 80. What the fuck is wrong with this?

00:45:04.000 Jesus Christ, George.

00:45:05.000 What the fuck is wrong with this?

00:45:06.000 I'm stupid.

00:45:07.000 Star 80 was a movie where Eric Roberts was creepy as fuck.

00:45:11.000 And he plays her boyfriend.

00:45:12.000 He discovers her in Canada, marries her.

00:45:15.000 She's like 15. Isn't it strange when you see a guy like Eric Roberts, that you see him, he starts out, Pope of Greenwich Village, he's in this fucking unbelievable movie with Mickey Rourke.

00:45:26.000 Still, to this day, holds up.

00:45:29.000 Then one day he's on Celebrity Rehab.

00:45:32.000 In between is some karate movies and shit.

00:45:36.000 For whatever reason, he vanishes and then has to come back.

00:45:40.000 No, that's his daughter that's blowing up right now.

00:45:42.000 Who's daughter?

00:45:43.000 The chick that was- Is an actress?

00:45:44.000 Yeah, the daughter was the daughter on- Star 80 right there.

00:45:48.000 Yeah, Star 80. Wow.

00:45:49.000 I don't even believe I've seen this movie.

00:45:52.000 Yeah.

00:45:52.000 He was creepy at the end.

00:45:54.000 He fucking gets these benches.

00:45:56.000 He was making weightlifting equipment.

00:45:57.000 But he also, his real business was he was making sex equipment.

00:46:01.000 He takes her over there.

00:46:02.000 He sits her down.

00:46:03.000 He fucking ties her.

00:46:05.000 He rips her legs up.

00:46:06.000 I mean, he just destroyed her, though.

00:46:07.000 Oh, no.

00:46:08.000 He was a creepy motherfucker.

00:46:09.000 And he shot himself.

00:46:10.000 Fuck him, you know?

00:46:11.000 In the movie?

00:46:12.000 Yeah, he shoots himself, too.

00:46:12.000 His character shot himself?

00:46:13.000 Two dudes.

00:46:14.000 They did two movies.

00:46:15.000 They did Star Rady with this broad, and they did a different one with the guy from General Hospital now, the older...

00:46:29.000 The dog, what he says, the monologue, what he says to Mickey Rourke when he goes, what happened here?

00:46:37.000 He goes, she left me.

00:46:38.000 He goes, what?

00:46:39.000 And he goes, what's wrong with you?

00:46:41.000 He goes, you're not the way.

00:46:41.000 Remember, he just breaks it down.

00:46:43.000 He goes, sometimes they try to embarrass you, and you've got to backhand them, and you look them in the face and tell them, you don't look at nobody.

00:46:49.000 You don't say goodnight to nobody.

00:46:50.000 That whole little monologue, look at that again.

00:46:53.000 Very interesting.

00:46:54.000 He was excellent.

00:46:54.000 Excellent.

00:46:55.000 Excellent.

00:46:55.000 He was a really, really good actor.

00:46:57.000 That's why it's weird when you see him one day in that crazy karate movie.

00:47:02.000 Remember that shit?

00:47:02.000 Yeah.

00:47:03.000 He played a karate master.

00:47:04.000 He just backfisted us, knocked him out.

00:47:06.000 That's what the saddest thing is.

00:47:07.000 You ready for this?

00:47:08.000 Okay.

00:47:08.000 I just saw the motherfucking audition about eight weeks ago.

00:47:11.000 Really?

00:47:12.000 Auditioning for what?

00:47:13.000 Auditioning for a co-star like me.

00:47:15.000 Wow.

00:47:16.000 That doesn't make any sense.

00:47:18.000 I don't understand.

00:47:19.000 How does a guy who's that talented...

00:47:20.000 And he was in that Sylvester Stallone movie recently.

00:47:25.000 He was in the first one.

00:47:27.000 What is the one with Randy Couture, The Expendables?

00:47:29.000 Yeah, was he?

00:47:30.000 Yeah, he was in that, wasn't he?

00:47:32.000 I don't know.

00:47:34.000 Was it?

00:47:34.000 Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

00:47:35.000 He was the bad guy.

00:47:36.000 He was fucking excellent.

00:47:37.000 Guy can act his ass off.

00:47:39.000 And his sister don't like him.

00:47:41.000 See, I know that when he was, when they were doing, you know who his daughter is?

00:47:44.000 The chick on Blow.

00:47:45.000 The little girl in Blow.

00:47:47.000 What's the movie Blow?

00:47:48.000 I don't remember that.

00:47:49.000 Well, that little girl, and then she went on to be a Disney star.

00:47:52.000 She's a Disney star.

00:47:53.000 Look her up, Red Man.

00:47:54.000 She's like some Disney chick.

00:47:55.000 But supposedly when they shoot at the fucking studios, they have security there.

00:48:00.000 He can't come on the set.

00:48:02.000 And she's Julia Roberts' niece.

00:48:04.000 So Julia Roberts really, like, fucking put security on her and stuff because they try to keep her away from him.

00:48:10.000 I don't know the whole story.

00:48:11.000 I'm just telling you what I heard secondhand when she shoots movies or TV shows.

00:48:16.000 There's something going on there.

00:48:17.000 I don't know exactly what the fuck the thing is.

00:48:19.000 She's really cute, the kid.

00:48:21.000 She was the cute girl in Blow that he tells he's going to meet her at the end, the whole thing.

00:48:25.000 Well, when he was on that celebrity rehab, it was very strange.

00:48:29.000 It just didn't make any sense that he was there.

00:48:31.000 Like, it seemed like he just needed a break.

00:48:33.000 Emma Roberts.

00:48:33.000 Didn't really, huh?

00:48:34.000 Emma Roberts?

00:48:36.000 Emma Roberts, yeah.

00:48:38.000 Emma Roberts.

00:48:39.000 She's real cute, right?

00:48:40.000 Young girl.

00:48:41.000 She's got to be 18. Whenever someone's going to rehab for weed, they really almost need a behavioral break.

00:48:48.000 You're going to rehab for life.

00:48:50.000 You're off the rails for everything.

00:48:53.000 If you're going to rehab for weed, you just need to go somewhere.

00:48:58.000 Do you think there's certain cases, though, that you could see going to rehab for weed?

00:49:03.000 Sure.

00:49:04.000 Ralphie Mae used to be at his prime where he'd be seriously smoking two pounds of weed a day or something.

00:49:10.000 Well, he's a perfect example.

00:49:12.000 And no disrespect to Ralphie, but look at him.

00:49:14.000 And so that's obviously a very impulsive person.

00:49:17.000 And that's where I think that it's probably...

00:49:20.000 You're not dealing with just the weed itself.

00:49:22.000 You're dealing with life in general.

00:49:25.000 Look, we're all impulsive.

00:49:27.000 Stand-up comedians are some of the most impulsive people.

00:49:30.000 There's something about the type of person that thinks to say some of the shit that we say, like the way your brain works.

00:49:38.000 It's almost like an instinct for us to just be wacky.

00:49:42.000 So when you get a guy that is a stand-up comedian and then you find out he's a gambling addict, it's never a shock.

00:49:49.000 It's never a shock when you find out they're blowing all their money betting on sports like it's Norm MacDonald or they're blowing all their money on coke.

00:49:58.000 Yeah, like you for years.

00:49:59.000 Yeah, or for me, how about I lock myself in my house and I play Quake for 12 hours a day?

00:50:03.000 I'm a fucking idiot, you know?

00:50:05.000 It's the same thing.

00:50:05.000 It's like we get impulsive.

00:50:07.000 We have this, like, almost uncontrollable desire.

00:50:10.000 I would be sitting around.

00:50:11.000 I would be sitting around doing something else, and all I could think of was getting back to my computer.

00:50:15.000 I'm like, I'm just going to get online and play some Quake, and everything will be okay.

00:50:19.000 Loading myself up with caffeine.

00:50:22.000 Why?

00:50:23.000 Because it's crazy.

00:50:23.000 It's part of being a comedian.

00:50:25.000 I kind of understand comedians being caught up in almost any nutty impulse like that.

00:50:33.000 But...

00:50:34.000 You know, marijuana, really?

00:50:35.000 You gonna go to rehab for that?

00:50:36.000 You're going to rehab for life, son.

00:50:38.000 That's what you're doing.

00:50:38.000 Life itself is just too slippery right now, and you need a break.

00:50:41.000 Which is understandable, you know?

00:50:44.000 I need to go to rehab for Jack Daniels, I think.

00:50:46.000 Do you really?

00:50:47.000 How often you been drinking?

00:50:48.000 No, I mean, not for drinking in general, but, like, I try not to drink Jack Daniels now, and it's like I miss it so much.

00:50:55.000 It's so hard not to do it.

00:50:56.000 I have never drank Jack Daniels my whole entire life, except for, like, the last, what, Seven months?

00:51:01.000 Coincidentally, the last year of your life, you've been ballin' out of control.

00:51:04.000 I know.

00:51:05.000 You're going out Leonard Skinner style, son.

00:51:08.000 You're listening to Sweet Home Alabama when your car drives off the cliff.

00:51:12.000 And what's the number seven meaning in the Jack Daniels?

00:51:15.000 Lucky seven or some shit like that?

00:51:17.000 I don't know.

00:51:18.000 It says like old number seven.

00:51:19.000 I don't know.

00:51:20.000 It's probably like their seventh version of it that they made, if I had to guess.

00:51:24.000 Let's find out.

00:51:25.000 Jack Daniels, old number seven.

00:51:27.000 Seven ingredients?

00:51:28.000 I gambled for about four months, and I knew it wasn't for me.

00:51:32.000 Yeah, I can't.

00:51:34.000 I can't.

00:51:34.000 Four or five months, and I was like, fuck you.

00:51:38.000 I don't trust myself.

00:51:39.000 I'm going to give my money to some fucking idiot at a diner Thursday at 5 o'clock over five fucking dudes shooting a hoop.

00:51:46.000 That is not happening the rest of my fucking life.

00:51:48.000 Or baseball, or fucking baskets, or anything.

00:51:52.000 I love going to Santa Anita Park in Pasadena.

00:51:56.000 I take $40 with me, I go, I get a hot dog, I get a powdered beer.

00:52:00.000 Once the $40 is gone, I get in my fucking car and I go home.

00:52:03.000 Did you just say a powdered beer?

00:52:04.000 What's a powdered beer?

00:52:05.000 The beer they sell you at those stadiums.

00:52:06.000 What do you think, they sell you a fucking draft beer?

00:52:08.000 It's powdered fucking beer!

00:52:10.000 That's why I get a fucking headache for three days.

00:52:12.000 You go to a football game or a UFC event, you drink three beers, wait till the fucking headache you get the next day.

00:52:18.000 You know, it's powdered fucking beer.

00:52:20.000 Yes, that was real.

00:52:21.000 How cool would that be, having powder beer?

00:52:23.000 It's powdered beer!

00:52:24.000 I'm telling you.

00:52:25.000 I ain't kidding you.

00:52:27.000 Yeah, this is a weird thing, this Jack Daniels thing, because apparently the Old No.

00:52:31.000 7 is the original recipe.

00:52:34.000 I don't get it.

00:52:36.000 Why would they call it Old No.

00:52:37.000 7?

00:52:38.000 It says Old No.

00:52:39.000 7, also known as Black Label.

00:52:41.000 This is the original Jack Daniels.

00:52:45.000 Oh, you know what it is?

00:52:46.000 Because there's a bunch of different Jacks.

00:52:47.000 One, two, three, four, five, six.

00:52:50.000 There's six different Jacks.

00:52:51.000 There's Silver Select, Green Label, Tennessee Honey, Single Barrel, Gentleman Jack, and Old No.

00:53:00.000 7. It's like six Chuck fucking Liddells.

00:53:03.000 Everybody there is tough.

00:53:04.000 There ain't one weakling in that fucking circle.

00:53:07.000 I don't fuck with none of those cocksuckers.

00:53:08.000 They'll fuck you up.

00:53:09.000 Can you believe that, bro?

00:53:10.000 I really have not drank Jack Daniels since New Year's of 1980. Well, we got a big bottle in the other room, boys.

00:53:16.000 I had some of it this weekend.

00:53:18.000 And who the fuck are you kidding?

00:53:20.000 It's delicious.

00:53:21.000 A Jack Daniels and a can of Coke?

00:53:22.000 You're fucking taking me for a ride.

00:53:24.000 I'll tell you, Joey Diaz, I do some of my best comedy sets when I have a little Jack Daniels in my system.

00:53:28.000 I'm not bullshit.

00:53:29.000 I can't even smell it.

00:53:30.000 I can't even fucking smell it, dog.

00:53:31.000 Vegas Friday night?

00:53:32.000 I had like three shots before I went on stage.

00:53:35.000 He brought the bottle back there.

00:53:36.000 I seen that there was light.

00:53:37.000 You motherfuckers are drinking those with Diet Cokes.

00:53:40.000 Listen, I could smell them in the air.

00:53:42.000 That crowd, though, was so fun.

00:53:44.000 Yeah, they were fun.

00:53:45.000 There was so much good stuff in the air at that show.

00:53:49.000 That was such a positive show, man.

00:53:50.000 It was a great show.

00:53:51.000 And the people that came out, listen, man, that UFC Expo, if I wouldn't have fucked up my ankle, I would have gone and walked around.

00:53:58.000 Yeah, you were limping a little bit.

00:53:59.000 Yeah, I'm good now.

00:54:00.000 The next day I was good.

00:54:01.000 Something that morning, I twisted it, something with these fucking Adidas.

00:54:04.000 I don't wear the high tops no more, and it fucking hurt.

00:54:06.000 But the next day I was fine.

00:54:08.000 But I would've gone, what a great little thing.

00:54:10.000 Yeah, it's a great little thing.

00:54:11.000 You get to go to a show, you get to meet, you can roll with people, you pay $10,000, you can roll with fucking Frank Mir.

00:54:17.000 They have seminars, they had all sorts of shit going on at the same time.

00:54:20.000 Yeah, man, it's cool as shit, man.

00:54:20.000 People were teaching things, yeah.

00:54:22.000 I think it's beautiful that the UFC does that.

00:54:25.000 When the fuck did the, when did you, when you were a kid, you didn't get to play football against anybody.

00:54:29.000 Yeah, and you never got to talk to anybody either.

00:54:31.000 No, this is it.

00:54:31.000 Do you do all these Q&As with Ronda Rousey and all that?

00:54:34.000 This is the experience, man.

00:54:35.000 It's a great fun.

00:54:36.000 After your Q&A, did you hang and talk to people or you went to eat?

00:54:39.000 As much as I could.

00:54:40.000 I was doing this thing for the 20-year anniversary of the UFC. There's a documentary they're doing.

00:54:46.000 So they had to rush me up to this studio that they had set up.

00:54:50.000 They interviewed me for like an hour before the weigh-ins.

00:54:53.000 Then we had to rush back.

00:54:55.000 Because I had to emcee the weigh-ins.

00:54:56.000 And they did the weigh-ins.

00:54:58.000 The fucking weigh-ins were in the arena.

00:54:59.000 It was insane.

00:55:01.000 The weigh-ins were in the Mandalay Bay Convention Center.

00:55:04.000 And it was fucking gigantic.

00:55:08.000 It was the event center, Mandalay Bay Event Center, where they usually do the UFC. So the weigh-ins were mobbed.

00:55:14.000 Yeah, I know.

00:55:15.000 It was like 10,000 people at the weigh-ins, and when Anderson Silva and Weidman got on stage, they went nuts.

00:55:22.000 Like, you could feel this crazy electricity in the air, you know, and there was all these Brazilians that were booing when Weidman came out, and all these people were cheering for Anderson, and you hear all these accolades, you know, you hear everybody calling him, including me, especially me, calling him the greatest fighter in the history of the sport.

00:55:40.000 How long was that kiss for?

00:55:41.000 Like, a couple minutes?

00:55:42.000 A second or two.

00:55:44.000 Anderson walked up to him, and Weidman walked up closer to Anderson, and then Anderson walked closer to him, and then they were face-to-face, and neither one of them budged, so they just touched faces.

00:55:56.000 And then Weidman, as they backed away, Weidman goes, I'm not scared of you, man.

00:56:00.000 I'm not scared of you.

00:56:01.000 And Anderson goes, tomorrow night.

00:56:03.000 I'll see you tomorrow night.

00:56:05.000 He goes, I'm not scared of you.

00:56:07.000 He wasn't scared of him, man.

00:56:09.000 He really wasn't.

00:56:10.000 And that was the difference on Saturday night.

00:56:13.000 He really wasn't scared of him.

00:56:14.000 He knocked him the fuck out.

00:56:16.000 It's crazy.

00:56:16.000 It was crazy to watch.

00:56:18.000 Anderson fucked around like he normally does.

00:56:21.000 More so than he normally does.

00:56:22.000 He humiliates guys with that.

00:56:24.000 It's a real tactic.

00:56:26.000 But you've got to absolutely know what your opponent can and can't do.

00:56:31.000 I mean, maybe he could have gotten away with that with a lesser guy or a guy who was easily befuddled.

00:56:36.000 But one of the things they did in Weidman's camp is they had people imitate that.

00:56:41.000 They had people taunt him.

00:56:43.000 They had people spar with him and pretend they were falling down and And dropping their hands and poking their face out and juking them and potshotting them and shit and doing all the stuff that Anderson always does.

00:56:53.000 Because he gets you in a defensive shell.

00:56:57.000 He gets you frozen up because he moves really fast.

00:57:00.000 And one of his tactics is he will taunt you a little bit and then blast on you.

00:57:05.000 He'll blast on you.

00:57:06.000 He can cover distance deceptively fast.

00:57:09.000 So he's really good at closing the distance and cracking dudes.

00:57:13.000 And sometimes he can knock them out, like the Vitor Belfer shot, or sometimes he just lights you up, like the first few exchanges with Chris Lieben.

00:57:21.000 You know, just lit him up, lit him up, lit him up again, before he eventually stopped him.

00:57:26.000 I mean, Anderson is a fucking tremendous talent, but that dropping of the hands, you leave yourself so vulnerable that even a tremendous talent like him Can get knocked the fuck out.

00:57:37.000 And that's one of the big lessons of Saturday night.

00:57:40.000 The big lesson is everybody's vulnerable.

00:57:44.000 Even the best guys are human beings.

00:57:47.000 And a human being is vulnerable.

00:57:49.000 The whole idea is to not get hit.

00:57:51.000 And it doesn't matter who the human being is.

00:57:53.000 If their skill level's really high, It doesn't prevent them from being damaged by a solid punch.

00:57:59.000 Everybody gets fucked up by a solid shot.

00:58:01.000 Everybody who gets kicked in the head goes to sleep.

00:58:04.000 You get wheel kicked in the head, you're going night-night.

00:58:06.000 It happens to everybody.

00:58:07.000 It happens to the best people in the world.

00:58:09.000 That was like a big lesson, Saturday night.

00:58:11.000 The auditorium, the arena just shut the fuck up, didn't it?

00:58:14.000 It was weird.

00:58:15.000 Because the room I was in stopped.

00:58:17.000 It was weird.

00:58:18.000 I'm fucking stopped.

00:58:19.000 Yeah.

00:58:19.000 I'm just stopped.

00:58:21.000 And it was, you know what?

00:58:23.000 It's good for everybody now.

00:58:24.000 Now they start from scratch again.

00:58:26.000 This is going to be interesting now.

00:58:27.000 Well, they're trying to set up the rematch for the word is online for the New Year show, which is December 28th, which would be madness!

00:58:41.000 Madness, Joey Diaz.

00:58:42.000 Do you know what kind of hype?

00:58:44.000 And I guarantee you, in a rematch, Anderson Silva is going to dot his I's and cross his T's.

00:58:50.000 Is this his first knockout, though?

00:58:51.000 He's never been knocked out.

00:58:52.000 Never.

00:58:52.000 His entire career.

00:58:53.000 That's how people usually get, though, after a knockout.

00:58:55.000 Yeah, you're right.

00:58:56.000 Absolutely.

00:58:58.000 They become vulnerable.

00:59:00.000 They become human beings.

00:59:00.000 And not only that, the reality is, if you get knocked out, it's easier if you get knocked out again.

00:59:06.000 And who knows what's happened in training?

00:59:09.000 I mean, who knows?

00:59:10.000 He's sparring with, like, really high-level guys in training on a regular basis.

00:59:14.000 You know, he's sparring with Machida, with Feijal.

00:59:18.000 Like, there's a lot of those black house guys that are fucking badass beasts.

00:59:23.000 You know, like, who knows who's tagging him in the gym, especially when he's doing long, hard rounds.

00:59:28.000 So everyone turns 38 at one point in their life.

00:59:31.000 And Anderson Silva's 38. So you have to think about that as well.

00:59:35.000 But you know what?

00:59:36.000 When I was growing up, I was 35. Dave Winfield's 35. But we both discussed this.

00:59:40.000 Look at our board.

00:59:41.000 It's 42. How about Bernard Hopkins?

00:59:45.000 It's 48. Anderson's got three.

00:59:46.000 That's who I was talking about.

00:59:48.000 I think Bernard...

00:59:50.000 Anderson's got three more good, good, good battles left.

00:59:53.000 And after that, you know what they are.

00:59:56.000 Even more if he fights smart.

00:59:57.000 Let me tell you something, man.

00:59:58.000 Before he got knocked out, he was looking lightning fast.

01:00:02.000 He was slamming leg kicks in.

01:00:04.000 He avoided being submitted.

01:00:05.000 He got back up to his feet.

01:00:06.000 He got out of a heel hook and got back up to his feet.

01:00:08.000 It's not like Anderson looked bad.

01:00:10.000 But what he did was, he does what he does.

01:00:13.000 That taunting thing.

01:00:14.000 I mean, when he knocks a guy out because of it, it's awesome and it looks great.

01:00:17.000 But when you get knocked out, man, it's like that NOS commercial.

01:00:21.000 You know that NOS commercial?

01:00:22.000 Where the guy does these flippy kicks and goes flying through the air.

01:00:26.000 And the other guy just blasts him on the chin.

01:00:27.000 And just caught him and boom.

01:00:29.000 Boom.

01:00:31.000 There's a reason why that's in a commercial.

01:00:34.000 That whole scene plays out in the commercial as like sweet justice.

01:00:37.000 Like justice to the guy who taunts.

01:00:40.000 And that's why the whole crowd was booing Anderson.

01:00:43.000 They were booing Anderson when Anderson got knocked out.

01:00:46.000 I mean...

01:00:47.000 That's weird.

01:00:49.000 But it's a natural reaction that they had.

01:00:52.000 No one told them that they had to boo, but there was a lot of people booing.

01:00:56.000 There was a tremendous amount of people booing the best fighter in history because he got caught.

01:01:01.000 And I think that is fascinating.

01:01:03.000 They felt he let them down because he got knocked out doing something stupid.

01:01:09.000 And they're like, yeah, what did you do, man?

01:01:12.000 Boo!

01:01:13.000 Meanwhile, what happened to him, man?

01:01:15.000 He just lost the title.

01:01:16.000 I mean, he made an ass load of money, but he just lost the title in devastating fashion.

01:01:22.000 And people have no empathy.

01:01:23.000 Like, boo!

01:01:26.000 Boo!

01:01:28.000 No.

01:01:28.000 People don't give a fuck.

01:01:30.000 People don't give a fuck.

01:01:30.000 That's one of the cold realities of life.

01:01:32.000 Yeah, that's...

01:01:33.000 That's one of the cold motherfucking realities of life, dog.

01:01:35.000 Yeah.

01:01:35.000 And once the envelope sails and the glamour's gone, the part...

01:01:39.000 Have you seen...

01:01:39.000 Unfortunately, though, that sucks, man.

01:01:41.000 That sucks.

01:01:42.000 No, it does, but that's...

01:01:43.000 Hey, man, I saw it with my mother.

01:01:44.000 I saw it with a thousand situations.

01:01:45.000 But you would never do that.

01:01:47.000 No, why would I? That's not my style.

01:01:49.000 If you were there in the audience and you saw Anderson go down, would you imagine booing him?

01:01:52.000 No, I was at home heartbroken.

01:01:54.000 I would never boo him.

01:01:55.000 He's still the fuck.

01:01:55.000 I know what happened.

01:01:57.000 Yeah, as a fan, you know, who the fuck told you to fuck around?

01:02:01.000 You know, I'm the same.

01:02:02.000 I don't even like fucking around when I'm walking around.

01:02:04.000 Brian, I don't even like fucking around when you're walking around.

01:02:07.000 Pay fucking attention.

01:02:08.000 You go to an airport and you put your shit online and the people in front of you, and you're like, pay fucking attention!

01:02:13.000 I don't like that shit.

01:02:14.000 But if you fucking do it and you pull it off, it's spectacular.

01:02:18.000 It's spectacular.

01:02:19.000 Like when Anderson fought Forrest Griffin.

01:02:21.000 Or when he fought fucking Damian Meyer.

01:02:23.000 If you live by the sword, you die by the fucking sword.

01:02:26.000 That's why it's called karma.

01:02:27.000 The fight before that, that's the first time I watched the fight I didn't want to end.

01:02:33.000 Even if fucking Frankie would have knocked Rafael out, Oliveira, I would have said, listen, let him go again.

01:02:39.000 Let him go six or seven rounds.

01:02:40.000 That was a great fight.

01:02:42.000 The fight before that was a great fight.

01:02:44.000 It was a great night of fights, bro.

01:02:45.000 It was a fantastic night of fights.

01:02:48.000 It was one of the most exciting nights of fights ever.

01:02:50.000 Every jiu-jitsu guy is lighting a fucking candle for Roger Gracie right now.

01:02:54.000 I don't know what happened there.

01:02:55.000 Yeah, it's over.

01:02:56.000 I don't expect that.

01:02:57.000 He couldn't, for whatever reason, his MMA game is nothing like his jiu-jitsu game.

01:03:02.000 His jiu-jitsu game is off the chain.

01:03:05.000 He should just go back to fighting in jiu-jitsu tournaments, man.

01:03:09.000 There were some great fucking fights.

01:03:11.000 How about Cub Swanson?

01:03:12.000 Oh, my God.

01:03:13.000 Goddamn.

01:03:14.000 Oh, my God.

01:03:14.000 That was insane.

01:03:15.000 That was the best that kid's ever looked.

01:03:17.000 What was the movie?

01:03:18.000 His accuracy was insane.

01:03:19.000 He tried a cartwheel kick.

01:03:20.000 No, no, no.

01:03:21.000 He went to do an uppercut.

01:03:22.000 Yeah.

01:03:23.000 And he went for him, or he faked, and he came up with an uppercut.

01:03:26.000 He did something very beautiful.

01:03:27.000 Yeah, he was doing a lot of sneaky shit like that.

01:03:30.000 Yeah, he did some beautiful shit.

01:03:30.000 He's really crafty.

01:03:32.000 He's very creative and unpredictable.

01:03:34.000 At least...

01:03:35.000 Fakes low and kicks high.

01:03:37.000 He does a lot of weird shit.

01:03:38.000 That's 155, brother?

01:03:39.000 No, he's 45. He's 145. That adds a complete difference.

01:03:43.000 Let's just put him up against a dude who wanted to fight Benson Henderson in Minneapolis.

01:03:48.000 Pettis?

01:03:49.000 Let's do it.

01:03:49.000 That's a fight right there.

01:03:51.000 That's a hell of a fight right there.

01:03:52.000 That would be a great fight.

01:03:52.000 That's a fight right there.

01:03:53.000 Well, I would like to see a rematch with him and Aldo.

01:03:55.000 Because he fought Aldo and got caught with a flying knee.

01:04:00.000 A double knee.

01:04:01.000 Maybe like 10 seconds into the fight.

01:04:03.000 It was very quick.

01:04:04.000 Aldo jumped up and nailed him on the forehead with a flying knee.

01:04:07.000 Cut him open.

01:04:08.000 I mean, it was nasty.

01:04:09.000 I mean, he didn't even get a chance to get into the fight.

01:04:11.000 He just got caught.

01:04:12.000 And I think that he's a way better fighter now than he was then.

01:04:15.000 I think it would be really interesting.

01:04:16.000 After watching him fight Seaver, like, goddamn, man, he lit Seaver up.

01:04:20.000 Those combinations are insane because he was so accurate.

01:04:25.000 Like, the last combination that he knocked him out with, he hit him with, like, three or four ridiculously accurate shots while, you know, there's a lot of chaos going on.

01:04:33.000 He's scrambling after him, and he's catching him on the jaw.

01:04:37.000 That was a great fight.

01:04:38.000 It was a lot of great fights, man.

01:04:40.000 A lot of great fights.

01:04:41.000 See, people didn't give Tim Kennedy enough credit for that fight.

01:04:45.000 No, Tim Kennedy even had his back.

01:04:47.000 He took him down, man.

01:04:48.000 I couldn't fucking believe it.

01:04:48.000 Had his back and was slamming him in the face.

01:04:50.000 I was like, what?

01:04:52.000 He's getting punched.

01:04:53.000 That's what's going on, man.

01:04:54.000 Jiu-Jitsu is one thing, but Jiu-Jitsu with punches to the face by a guy who's a black belt in Jiu-Jitsu changes the whole game.

01:05:00.000 He might be better than Tim Kennedy at straight Jiu-Jitsu if they had a regular Jiu-Jitsu match.

01:05:07.000 But Kennedy's got a good enough jujitsu that he can hang.

01:05:10.000 He can defend himself.

01:05:12.000 He's not scared to grapple with really high-level guys.

01:05:14.000 And he's strong as shit.

01:05:15.000 But Kennedy is also a boxer.

01:05:18.000 He can hit hard.

01:05:19.000 When he gets to the ground, he's got real mixed martial arts skills.

01:05:22.000 When he gets to the ground, he'll thump you with punches.

01:05:25.000 And so the guy like Hodger, he's not really quite a complete MMA fighter yet.

01:05:30.000 He's just this brilliant jiu-jitsu guy who's entering into MMA. And there's guys like Kennedy out there, as long as they're hitting you in the face, you're not going to submit them.

01:05:38.000 It's just a completely different ballgame.

01:05:40.000 You're all dizzy and shit, your face is puffy, and you can't see it out of your right eye.

01:05:45.000 I mean, that's the reality of getting punched in the face.

01:05:48.000 I don't like seeing it when guys are really good at jiu-jitsu, and I see them come to MMA and they're just getting fucked up.

01:05:54.000 It kind of bothers me because I feel like, you know, they're not ready yet.

01:05:58.000 If you're going to really enter into MMA, it has to be a long-term proposition.

01:06:03.000 And you should look at it as, like, what are your strengths?

01:06:06.000 Your strength is jiu-jitsu?

01:06:08.000 Okay, what's your weakness?

01:06:10.000 Your weakness is stand-up.

01:06:11.000 You've got to fix that.

01:06:13.000 You've got to fix that first.

01:06:14.000 You can't even think about getting in there unless you can fight in a kickboxing match.

01:06:18.000 Because you're going to be going right away to some of the highest level guys in the world because you're Hodrick Racing.

01:06:23.000 They take a guy like that and they don't move him along slow.

01:06:28.000 He's going to fight high level guys because of his name pretty quickly and because of his reputation in Jiu Jitsu.

01:06:34.000 Whereas the reality of his striking is he's only been striking a few years.

01:06:38.000 You need many years on the books before you go and strike with a guy like Lyoto Machida or something like that.

01:06:45.000 You just need a lot of years on the books.

01:06:47.000 You have to get him because he's going to light you up.

01:06:49.000 He's going to hit you.

01:06:50.000 He's going to pot shot you and he's going to crack you and you're not going to be able to stop him.

01:06:54.000 And he's going to hit you three or four times like that and he's going to knock you out.

01:06:58.000 It's a sneaky game.

01:06:59.000 The striking game.

01:07:00.000 Striking game is a different game.

01:07:02.000 Some guys can just adapt real quick.

01:07:04.000 Like, there's some Dan Henderson-type dudes that, like, almost right away, within a couple of years, they're dangerous as fuck.

01:07:10.000 But some dudes just never quite get the hang of it.

01:07:12.000 Roy Nelson got it real fucking quick.

01:07:14.000 Real quick.

01:07:14.000 That's the guy that picked it up.

01:07:15.000 Instantly.

01:07:15.000 And you see it.

01:07:16.000 You see when a jiu-jitsu guy is a real jiu-jitsu guy.

01:07:19.000 His striking is very slow sometimes.

01:07:21.000 Yeah.

01:07:21.000 And you're saying, wow, how is he in the fucking octagon?

01:07:25.000 But maybe they know something I don't.

01:07:27.000 Maybe you and Sosa know something I don't know.

01:07:31.000 Yeah.

01:07:32.000 Well, I think we're dealing with a new era of mixed martial artists.

01:07:35.000 Absolutely.

01:07:35.000 I don't think people are ever going to try.

01:07:37.000 There's that Aldo jump flying knee.

01:07:40.000 Watch this.

01:07:41.000 Ba-boom.

01:07:41.000 That's like the first exchange of the fight.

01:07:43.000 He double flying knees him in the face.

01:07:45.000 It was insane.

01:07:47.000 Cut him real bad over his eyebrow.

01:07:50.000 Yeah, look at that.

01:07:51.000 Yikes.

01:07:52.000 Face pussy.

01:07:53.000 Yeah, I mean, but that's one of those things.

01:07:54.000 Like I said, I mean, anybody who gets hit by that, that's the reality.

01:07:58.000 And we, you know, a lot of great guys don't get hit like that, but if they did, that's what would happen.

01:08:04.000 You know, you can't avoid that.

01:08:06.000 That was a big lesson.

01:08:07.000 It's an important lesson, Saturday night.

01:08:10.000 Important lesson for martial artists, because people like to think that because a guy's really good...

01:08:14.000 That he can somehow or another magically take punishment better?

01:08:17.000 Not really.

01:08:18.000 It's a fucking lesson for everybody.

01:08:20.000 That's a lesson for everything in life.

01:08:21.000 And karma's a motherfucker.

01:08:23.000 You see it in basketball sometimes, you'll see a team that's got a reputation to fast break.

01:08:30.000 And all of a sudden, this team that nobody's talking about, they fast break too.

01:08:34.000 They go in the finals and the coaches say, fast break them.

01:08:36.000 And the team that's been fast-breaking motherfuckers, they know how to execute, but they forget how to defend the fast break.

01:08:42.000 And they fucking lose.

01:08:43.000 It happens all the time in different types of sports and different situations, man.

01:08:47.000 The rematch is going to be absolutely fascinating.

01:08:50.000 Yeah, that's going to be fascinating to see what's going to happen there.

01:08:52.000 The rematch with Weidman and Anderson Silva will be the greatest rematch in the history of the UFC. No doubt about it.

01:08:59.000 And everybody's going to want to know if Weidman can do it again.

01:09:01.000 And everyone's going to want to know, how is Anderson going to recover?

01:09:05.000 That's going to be fascinating as fuck, man.

01:09:08.000 Woo!

01:09:09.000 That's going to be crazy.

01:09:11.000 I can't write out a guy like Anderson Silva.

01:09:14.000 I've been right there with you watching 17 fights and the three or two before that on YouTube, whatever, you can't write this guy off.

01:09:21.000 You cannot write him off.

01:09:24.000 However...

01:09:24.000 However, we've seen it with a lot of other fighters.

01:09:27.000 Age takes whatever, the money, the children, you know.

01:09:30.000 It's a new age.

01:09:31.000 I can't wait to see...

01:09:32.000 Today I saw a picture of this Gustafson against Jon Jones, the fucking whatever.

01:09:37.000 Look at that fight.

01:09:38.000 Those are two monsters.

01:09:40.000 That's two monsters.

01:09:41.000 Yeah.

01:09:42.000 Well, you know, and one of the things about a guy like Anderson, we're comparing him to a guy like Bernard Hopkins who's 10 years older than him.

01:09:48.000 Watch how Bernard fights.

01:09:50.000 Bernard Hopkins is a brilliant defensive fighter.

01:09:53.000 Brilliant.

01:09:53.000 You very rarely see Bernard Hopkins get clipped.

01:09:57.000 And when he gets clipped, his boxing is good enough that he knows how to go into a shell, he knows how to move, he knows how to give you angles, and he gets away with shit.

01:10:05.000 He's got a good chin, and he gets away with shit.

01:10:06.000 And one of the reasons why he's got a good chin is he hasn't taken a beating, ever.

01:10:10.000 He's never taken a beating his entire career.

01:10:13.000 Bernard Hopkins, he kept his skills past any of the fighters of his prime.

01:10:18.000 Think about his fight with Roy Jones Jr., Like him and Roy Jones Jr., they duked it out once, and Roy beat him.

01:10:24.000 But when they duked it out a second time, Bernard Hopkins basically just like boxed him.

01:10:28.000 Just boxed him up.

01:10:30.000 Because Bernard's skills hadn't deteriorated like Roy's reflexes.

01:10:35.000 Roy's skills were so reflex-based.

01:10:39.000 He was so speed and reflex-based.

01:10:41.000 In my opinion, he was the scariest boxer that you would ever have to compete against.

01:10:47.000 Mike Tyson was ferocious and terrifying, so I shouldn't say he was...

01:10:51.000 Man, he was close.

01:10:52.000 That was actually a line in a Nas song.

01:10:57.000 This is Welcome to the New World, the new Mike Tyson's Roy Jones.

01:11:01.000 That was because Roy Jones was just knocking everyone silly.

01:11:05.000 He didn't do it the same way that Tyson did.

01:11:06.000 He did it with just like speed and ridiculous combinations and insane accuracy.

01:11:12.000 He could just move in a way that other dudes couldn't move.

01:11:16.000 Like if you go back and watch like his highlight reels, god damn he was amazing.

01:11:21.000 But he fought like this weird style with your hands down, and he didn't throw a lot of jabs.

01:11:27.000 He threw like a leaping left hook, but he was so fast with it, he would just catch guys on the chin.

01:11:31.000 He would light him up with it.

01:11:33.000 He threw a lot of lead right hands.

01:11:34.000 He had like a different style, and his style was based on his ability to cover ground and his accuracy.

01:11:40.000 And as soon as he started getting older and started getting hit and slowed down, that style was like now actually a detriment.

01:11:48.000 And so he stopped being offensive.

01:11:50.000 Like, one of the most disheartening things about watching Roy Jones Jr. fight now is not that he's still fighting, it's that he's not hurting anybody.

01:11:58.000 Like, when you watch him fight, he has to be much more defensive.

01:12:02.000 He's been knocked out a few times now, so now it's like his boxing is almost like he's boxing, he's trying to win, but he's also trying to not get knocked out.

01:12:11.000 How old is he though?

01:12:12.000 I believe he's 40. He owes money, I think.

01:12:16.000 Yeah, he wants to get into MMA. That's why he was dead.

01:12:18.000 The word is, there was an article about some tax issues, and I would imagine that he thinks that there's some good money for him in MMA. And even at his age, all the fights that he's been in, the toll that that takes on your body, his boxing skills are so far and above the average MMA fighter that it would be kind of interesting.

01:12:39.000 Especially if you give a guy like Roy Jones Jr. little tiny gloves.

01:12:43.000 Think of how fast he is with regular gloves.

01:12:46.000 You know?

01:12:46.000 I mean, imagine.

01:12:48.000 Give Manny Pacquiao little MMA gloves and imagine how quick he's punching you in the face.

01:12:53.000 Can you even see it coming?

01:12:55.000 I mean, how do you even stop that?

01:12:57.000 There's like four ounces on them as opposed to, what is it, six or eight that he's wearing on a regular basis?

01:13:04.000 That's a big difference, man.

01:13:05.000 Those little tiny knuckle gloves, that's a big difference.

01:13:09.000 A guy like Manny Pacquiao got an MMA. Jesus.

01:13:13.000 Just teach him some butterfly guard, how to sprawl, how to get back to your feet.

01:13:19.000 Just work with him on that for a couple of years and set him loose.

01:13:22.000 How old is Manny now?

01:13:24.000 It's a good question.

01:13:26.000 He's in his 30s, right?

01:13:27.000 36, Manny Pacquiao.

01:13:31.000 How old is Manny Pacquiao?

01:13:33.000 Hey, don't be a dick.

01:13:35.000 I don't know how to say it right now.

01:13:37.000 Would you like me to search the web for how old is Nanny Pacquillo?

01:13:42.000 Pacquillo!

01:13:44.000 Pacquillo, what the fuck?

01:13:45.000 He was born December 17th.

01:13:47.000 He's 34. Oh, he's a young man.

01:13:50.000 No, he's not.

01:13:51.000 No, he's not.

01:13:51.000 Not in the world of boxing.

01:13:53.000 The world of boxing is a different world.

01:13:55.000 There's only a few Bernard Hopkins.

01:13:58.000 As a matter of fact, he's the only one that I can even think of.

01:14:01.000 There's no one else that's managed to keep their career going that deep into their 40s.

01:14:05.000 No one in the world of boxing.

01:14:06.000 But Manny Macchio is 34. What I'm saying is, he hasn't taken a lot of beats.

01:14:09.000 Yes, he has.

01:14:10.000 Yeah, he's been in some wars.

01:14:12.000 And that last knockout, that Juan Manuel Marquez knockout, that's a career changer.

01:14:17.000 That's a career changer.

01:14:18.000 Because he ran into a telephone pole right hand.

01:14:21.000 I mean, he literally ran into it.

01:14:23.000 So it was him moving forward really fast and Marquez catching him on the button.

01:14:28.000 And they had two wars before that where they dropped each other.

01:14:31.000 So those guys have gone through those fights.

01:14:35.000 And then the fight he lost with Bradley, that wasn't a war, but it was a tough fight, you know?

01:14:40.000 But if you go, like, back to, like, some of his fights before then, you know, he had been in some crazy fights.

01:14:47.000 I mean, even though he's still winning and looking spectacular, you know, there's some wild exchanges.

01:14:54.000 34. Yeah.

01:14:58.000 And, you know, who knows?

01:14:59.000 I mean, there was also, like, rampant speculation about I don't know if that's true or not.

01:15:06.000 And then there's always the question, when fighters do those things, it's like, are they going to continue to do them?

01:15:14.000 How are they going to regulate it?

01:15:17.000 When you hit really high peaks, like performance-enhancing drug peaks, the real issue is, if they are doing something illegal, how are they going to maintain that level?

01:15:27.000 And will they maintain that level?

01:15:29.000 It's an artificial level.

01:15:30.000 So it's like you're gonna go ups and downs, you gotta take time off in between doing it, and you gotta make sure you catch it right.

01:15:36.000 And sometimes they don't.

01:15:37.000 And when they don't, you know, you'll see like real inconsistencies in their performance.

01:15:41.000 You see them when they look absolutely sensational, and then you see them when they're in this like lull spot in between cycles.

01:15:48.000 Who's not doing drugs?

01:15:49.000 Can you please tell me?

01:15:50.000 It's a good question.

01:15:51.000 Who's not doing drugs?

01:15:53.000 It's a good question.

01:15:53.000 I think a lot of fighters aren't doing drugs.

01:15:55.000 I know BJ Penn I don't say I know, but I'm pretty sure.

01:15:58.000 I mean, I don't think he would lie about that.

01:16:00.000 That's part of, like, his whole honor with the whole fight game.

01:16:03.000 And John Fitch, I think, is another one.

01:16:05.000 I don't think John Fitch has ever done anything.

01:16:06.000 I personally talked to him about it, and he said he would never be able to live it himself if, you know, he knew that he got there because he was doing something.

01:16:13.000 He was using something.

01:16:15.000 That dude got really far with just like fucking grittiness and toughness and will, you know, without any enhancement to his body, artificial.

01:16:25.000 But there's a lot of folks out there that do do it.

01:16:28.000 I don't know how many.

01:16:30.000 You wouldn't know unless you're there with them.

01:16:32.000 It's all speculation because some guys just have sensational genetics.

01:16:35.000 Some guys are just unbelievably robust and they heal quick and they look great.

01:16:40.000 And you would swear that they're on something, but they're not on shit.

01:16:45.000 Which is part of the weird arguments because not everybody is born...

01:16:49.000 Everybody says it's an even playing field, but it's not.

01:16:52.000 If you're fighting Jon Jones, you're 5'2", there's no even playing field.

01:16:58.000 Oh, you both weigh 205?

01:16:59.000 Yeah, I should be fine.

01:17:01.000 If there's not an even playing field, you're crazy.

01:17:03.000 He has a super body.

01:17:04.000 You don't have a chance.

01:17:06.000 It's not even.

01:17:07.000 And there's nothing you can do, by the way.

01:17:08.000 You can take all the steroids in the world.

01:17:10.000 You're never going to beat Jon Jones.

01:17:11.000 He had the mechanical advantage of his frame and his athleticism.

01:17:15.000 The average guy is never going to be able to fuck with that.

01:17:18.000 But you figure like every actor over 50 right now in Hollywood is shooting fucking shit.

01:17:23.000 Musicians are on the tour doing their 60 and 70. They're shooting shit.

01:17:26.000 Well, most of the guys I think use the cream.

01:17:29.000 You see those cream ads, testosterone cream?

01:17:33.000 Now what about the spray that a friend said is going to be huge?

01:17:36.000 Is it a spray?

01:17:37.000 Yeah, an oral spray.

01:17:39.000 Is it good?

01:17:39.000 Yes, that's going to be the next one.

01:17:41.000 Yes, apparently the absorption rate is even better than rubbing it on your skin, the transdermal method.

01:17:49.000 It's better when you put it in your mouth.

01:17:51.000 You spray it.

01:17:52.000 You give yourself a shot in the morning with your mouthwash.

01:17:56.000 Do your mouthwash and then give yourself a shot of testosterone and you're off on your way.

01:18:00.000 Is that cream you have to rub all over your whole entire body?

01:18:03.000 You rub it on your upper arms and shoulders.

01:18:05.000 What if you just masturbated with it?

01:18:07.000 You could masturbate with it, I guess.

01:18:08.000 Would it help anything?

01:18:09.000 Maybe.

01:18:09.000 But what if you cleaned up and you accidentally cleaned up your test cream because you thought it was just jizz?

01:18:14.000 You'd waste some of your test cream.

01:18:16.000 Unless you're a dirty bastard and you just nut all over yourself and then pull your underwear over it and let it all cook.

01:18:21.000 Let it all stew inside your ball sack area.

01:18:24.000 I've been masturbating with monistat once a week now because it keeps your levels down.

01:18:30.000 Your levels of what?

01:18:31.000 AIDS? What levels do you have?

01:18:34.000 What is monostat, first of all?

01:18:36.000 Is that some shit women use for yeast infections?

01:18:39.000 Yeah, absolutely.

01:18:39.000 What is wrong with you, boy?

01:18:40.000 Because I found out that you can have, guys, have yeast infections, and that's why, like, if you have sex with a girl and she has a yeast infection, a lot of times you gave it to her because you don't have usually any symptoms.

01:18:50.000 So one of the things to get rid of that is put monostat on your dick, And around your balls and around that shit?

01:18:56.000 At least once a month.

01:18:58.000 He's like, every 20 minutes.

01:19:00.000 Here's the weirdest thing, Joe Rogan.

01:19:02.000 In 94 was an open mic comic.

01:19:04.000 I was getting divorced and I moved to New York.

01:19:06.000 And I would work in the city and I was on the coke and I had to send child support.

01:19:09.000 And I just couldn't make it all work.

01:19:11.000 So part of my angle every morning, I get a suit before I went to work in the city.

01:19:15.000 I go to Fort Lee A&P right there by the George Washington Bridge.

01:19:18.000 And they just finished stocking the shelves.

01:19:20.000 And I have a briefcase.

01:19:21.000 Like a bookcase, like I was a businessman going to the city.

01:19:24.000 And I'd put monistat in there, in the cases.

01:19:27.000 And monistat, and there was something else they liked.

01:19:30.000 Like not the little aspens, but the big aspens.

01:19:33.000 And I'd walk over the George Washington Bridge.

01:19:36.000 Take it to a bodega, and that's all they would buy from you is yeast infection medication.

01:19:41.000 That's what they tell you when you brought them shit.

01:19:43.000 They're like, keep bringing it.

01:19:45.000 That's the most important thing up in Spanish Harlem is that yeet minus that seven.

01:19:49.000 So I would walk it over the bridge.

01:19:51.000 I got like 60, 70 bucks in those days.

01:19:53.000 I was an open mic.

01:19:54.000 I didn't give a fuck.

01:19:54.000 I was just going over there just enough to have money to get a hot dog, a bag of weed, and do whatever.

01:19:59.000 That's how crazy they were.

01:20:00.000 The guys would say, Make sure it's a modest step.

01:20:03.000 Bring the modest step.

01:20:04.000 Isn't it amazing how much people identify with their genitals?

01:20:07.000 Because there's a thing that women hate, not more than anything.

01:20:12.000 There's a massive generalization that I have to stop myself.

01:20:15.000 But there's one thing that a lot of women really do not appreciate, and that's stinky pussy jokes.

01:20:22.000 You could talk about your stinky feet.

01:20:24.000 You could talk about a girl's stinky feet.

01:20:27.000 You can talk about a girl's breath.

01:20:28.000 You can talk about a girl's butt.

01:20:30.000 You can't talk about a girl's stinky pussy.

01:20:33.000 To them?

01:20:33.000 To them.

01:20:34.000 There's a lot of people that don't like when you talk about it even on stage.

01:20:38.000 Really?

01:20:38.000 Like, yes, yes, yes.

01:20:39.000 I've seen someone do a stinky pussy joke, and then I've seen women in the audience going, oh!

01:20:42.000 Oh, come on!

01:20:44.000 Just upset that you put that possibility out there.

01:20:48.000 I've never smelt a bad fucking pussy like what people talk about.

01:20:53.000 That's because he did a lot of coke.

01:20:54.000 No.

01:20:55.000 Your nose is now broke.

01:20:56.000 I'm gonna fucking against that.

01:20:58.000 If I pick up a chick at a bar and she's dirty, I'll make that chick take a shower.

01:21:02.000 It's not gonna help.

01:21:03.000 Oh yes it will.

01:21:04.000 It won't help a yeast infection.

01:21:06.000 No, no.

01:21:07.000 I'm lying.

01:21:08.000 I finger banged a girl in Idaho Falls, an American Indian.

01:21:12.000 I figured she had those Daisy Dukes on.

01:21:15.000 I was doing one of those triple one-nighters and I'm all horned up though.

01:21:18.000 I got like $32.

01:21:19.000 I got no blow.

01:21:20.000 I'm drinking Budweiser.

01:21:22.000 I'm fucking furious.

01:21:23.000 And I'm dancing with her and she's letting me touch her ass.

01:21:26.000 Joe Rogan, and I stick my hand in like this way, like four finger loo.

01:21:29.000 Oh my god!

01:21:32.000 And I had that fucking yogurt on my finger.

01:21:34.000 In your hand!

01:21:34.000 Look at the size of his hand!

01:21:36.000 And I was fingering it this way, you know, Bruce Lee, you know, I was fingering it this way.

01:21:40.000 Like Machiwara?

01:21:41.000 Like Machiwara style.

01:21:42.000 And I took it out.

01:21:44.000 Iron Palm.

01:21:44.000 I was dancing with it and I could smell my hand.

01:21:47.000 Oh no!

01:21:48.000 And that was it.

01:21:49.000 I remember I just fucking like, so I gotta go do something.

01:21:51.000 That's a sad moment.

01:21:53.000 You can't get it off.

01:21:53.000 Do you know that the smell of fish is actually from old cum, usually.

01:21:57.000 So if it's a really strong fish smell, that means there's cum inside of her.

01:22:01.000 That's funny because that's what my balls always smell like if I jerk off and don't wipe up.

01:22:06.000 It smells like fish.

01:22:08.000 This is what it smells like.

01:22:09.000 I just don't realize I'm pathetic.

01:22:11.000 I used to be lazy and even wipe up my own jizz.

01:22:14.000 I'd shoot at my pubes and pull my underwear out.

01:22:16.000 By the way, I've done that dozens of times in my life, too.

01:22:19.000 Not just once.

01:22:20.000 Fish balls.

01:22:20.000 I shoot, if I jerk off, I just shoot a load on my pubes.

01:22:24.000 I don't even bother cleaning it up.

01:22:25.000 I just pull my underwear up.

01:22:26.000 I do that.

01:22:26.000 Especially when I'm in the house.

01:22:27.000 I'm like, as long as it's covered, what do I give a fuck?

01:22:29.000 If I'm in the hotel by myself, I'll bang one out of the shorts.

01:22:32.000 I don't give a fuck.

01:22:33.000 Who cares?

01:22:33.000 I bang one out in the bed and laid on it.

01:22:35.000 I don't give a fuck.

01:22:35.000 It's my own fucking...

01:22:36.000 All day.

01:22:37.000 I don't know about it.

01:22:39.000 This is my little tropical helmet juice.

01:22:40.000 But that was the only time I really ever, like...

01:22:43.000 I dated a chick that one.

01:22:45.000 Before I started dating her, the chick was a little...

01:22:47.000 This was when I was like 19, 20. And I didn't know what to expect of a pussy that didn't smell like it.

01:22:52.000 She took care of it.

01:22:53.000 What happened?

01:22:54.000 No, that.

01:22:55.000 What?

01:22:55.000 She took care of it.

01:22:56.000 It was amazing.

01:22:56.000 No, that's good.

01:22:57.000 I would sniff it and everything and never sniff nothing.

01:23:00.000 It was delicious.

01:23:01.000 I knew a girl when I was young and had a problem.

01:23:04.000 Did you say something to her?

01:23:05.000 No, I did not.

01:23:06.000 I was too...

01:23:07.000 I couldn't.

01:23:08.000 I mean, it was back then when, you know, when you're in your teenage years and you're fooling around, you don't know what the hell you're doing.

01:23:13.000 The last thing you're going to do is start bringing things up.

01:23:15.000 Did you keep eating it though?

01:23:16.000 Oh, no, there was none of that.

01:23:18.000 No, there was none of that going on.

01:23:20.000 She didn't want you to do that.

01:23:21.000 She knew something was wrong.

01:23:23.000 But it was just like, it was one of those things where I bet, you know, she was a Catholic girl, and I bet her parents didn't talk to her about it.

01:23:28.000 I bet she had no idea, and I bet she thought that's just what they smelled like, you know?

01:23:32.000 And it was unfortunate, you know?

01:23:34.000 She figured it out later, though, later in life.

01:23:37.000 She called you up and told you?

01:23:38.000 No, no, no.

01:23:39.000 I hooked up with her later when I was in, like, in my 20s, like, once.

01:23:43.000 And I was like, oh, it's all cleaned up now.

01:23:46.000 Yeah.

01:23:47.000 Imagine if it still was a mess.

01:23:49.000 Longest running yeast infection ever.

01:23:52.000 No one ever talked to her.

01:23:53.000 It was just always this thing that was never discussed.

01:23:56.000 Do you ever prejudge a woman?

01:23:57.000 Do you judge a woman and go, that chick's pussy stinks?

01:24:01.000 Sometimes I look at a woman and I go, I guarantee her pussy smells fucking horrible.

01:24:05.000 You know, her ass.

01:24:06.000 I can look at a chicken and go, I gotta pee her ass most fucking bad.

01:24:08.000 Well, if you've seen a girl that's like a sloppy drunk with dirty feet, you gotta imagine there's something going on.

01:24:12.000 I always go by weight, usually.

01:24:14.000 Bigger girls have a worse smell?

01:24:15.000 Yeah, because they could be trying to clean their pussy for the last five years and it was the wrong crack.

01:24:20.000 Yeah, but I dated this Italian skinny chick that had a little wang to her monkey when I was a kid.

01:24:24.000 I mean, it didn't stop me from eating her.

01:24:25.000 A little wang to her monkey?

01:24:26.000 It didn't stop me from eating her.

01:24:28.000 She was skinny.

01:24:28.000 A slight wang.

01:24:29.000 She had to be like 90 pounds, but her pussy weighed 60. She was one of those chicks, and she was Italian, so it smelled like fucking, it was tremendous.

01:24:37.000 Like mozzarella?

01:24:38.000 Like mozzarella.

01:24:39.000 By the way, dog, when you're in the sea, down the block from that fucking Cuban joint you turned me on to, that Domingo's ain't bad, huh?

01:24:47.000 Is it?

01:24:48.000 I haven't been.

01:24:49.000 Yeah!

01:24:49.000 I got the meatball sandwich, I got the calamari salad.

01:24:51.000 Where is that?

01:24:52.000 Is it like a deli?

01:24:53.000 Yeah!

01:24:54.000 Right up the block from fucking...

01:24:56.000 On Ventura?

01:24:57.000 Yeah!

01:24:59.000 Domingo's.

01:24:59.000 I went there the other day.

01:25:00.000 A lot of good restaurants on that street.

01:25:02.000 I'll get restaurants.

01:25:03.000 Bro, somebody was telling me that's Aventura by my house, like studios, that's where I invented sushi.

01:25:07.000 Is that true?

01:25:08.000 No.

01:25:08.000 Fucking people are like, bro, that's where they invented sushi and shit.

01:25:11.000 They invented sushi in Japan.

01:25:13.000 I don't know.

01:25:14.000 You never know no more.

01:25:15.000 Let me tell you something.

01:25:17.000 You're Italian, right?

01:25:18.000 You've been Italian all your life.

01:25:19.000 When did you eat ciabatta bread?

01:25:20.000 A year ago.

01:25:21.000 I never.

01:25:22.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:25:22.000 You never ate ciabatta bread?

01:25:23.000 I never even heard of it.

01:25:24.000 There was never ciabatta bread.

01:25:26.000 There's shit that they invent now that even the fucking people going...

01:25:29.000 The Mexicans Taco Bell invents more shit than Spanish people.

01:25:33.000 Yeah, chalupas and galupas.

01:25:35.000 Even Mexicans are like, what the fuck are they talking about?

01:25:38.000 So you never know anymore.

01:25:39.000 I don't know whether they invent this.

01:25:39.000 She was invented on Van Nuys.

01:25:41.000 Yeah, what's Taco Bell doing commercials where they have chefs pretending that the flavor had to be just right?

01:25:48.000 Like, they have a shit.

01:25:49.000 Don't put anything online.

01:25:50.000 Don't get us to famed.

01:25:51.000 Put up any images.

01:25:53.000 But you know that commercial?

01:25:54.000 I thought you were going to throw it.

01:25:55.000 Oh, yeah, the little lady with the Mexican woman who...

01:25:57.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:25:58.000 And she's smelling vegetables?

01:25:59.000 Like, really?

01:26:00.000 I'm going to make sure the celery is fresh.

01:26:02.000 She's smelling the fucking vegetables with those fucking radiation shit.

01:26:06.000 Yeah, and who does that also is Domino's.

01:26:09.000 Like, have you had Domino's?

01:26:09.000 Yeah, yeah, Domino's.

01:26:12.000 It's frozen pizza crust with shitty sauce.

01:26:16.000 That's what it is.

01:26:16.000 Is Domino's frozen?

01:26:17.000 I don't think they're frozen.

01:26:18.000 I don't think anybody does that.

01:26:20.000 Olive Garden.

01:26:21.000 Olive Garden's food is frozen.

01:26:23.000 Is it?

01:26:23.000 I think so.

01:26:24.000 Oh, come on.

01:26:25.000 I think what the story is is that they get things almost like frozen food where they just kind of thaw it out on noodles.

01:26:33.000 That the whole thing's just frozen.

01:26:35.000 Get the fuck out of here.

01:26:36.000 You can't say that unless you know for sure.

01:26:37.000 We can get in trouble.

01:26:38.000 Stop your allegedly.

01:26:40.000 You gotta stop doing that, dude.

01:26:41.000 You're gonna get people sued.

01:26:42.000 Google it.

01:26:43.000 You can't just say that Olive Garden does that.

01:26:45.000 You're the one who's always talking about the fucking Olive Garden like it's so awesome.

01:26:49.000 Now you're turning on them.

01:26:50.000 This is a classic case of a relationship gone bad.

01:26:54.000 People get used to each other and then they turn on them.

01:26:56.000 At one time you were my love and now I hate you.

01:26:59.000 Ugh!

01:27:00.000 There's the truth behind their school.

01:27:02.000 Well, you read up on that and get back to us later, all right?

01:27:05.000 Read it up.

01:27:06.000 You can't be defaming a fine American institution.

01:27:10.000 Jesus Christ.

01:27:12.000 I said a legend.

01:27:13.000 How dare you?

01:27:14.000 Nah, but I know you're in that area.

01:27:16.000 That whole area is bomb.

01:27:18.000 Is it really bomb?

01:27:18.000 Versailles, I love that place.

01:27:20.000 That Cuban joint that we go to.

01:27:22.000 The fucking beans.

01:27:23.000 Everybody says that.

01:27:23.000 Chicken with garlic.

01:27:24.000 Garlic chicken with onions.

01:27:26.000 You like onions?

01:27:27.000 I love them.

01:27:27.000 They smother it with onions.

01:27:29.000 Cuban style.

01:27:30.000 That chicken is so goddamn good.

01:27:32.000 It's the best chicken in the world.

01:27:34.000 I love that chicken.

01:27:35.000 Yeah, that Domingo's is next to the baklava factory.

01:27:37.000 Okay.

01:27:38.000 I know exactly where it is.

01:27:39.000 You know exactly where it is.

01:27:39.000 Right in there.

01:27:40.000 And they fucking make...

01:27:42.000 I mean, I've been hearing it from Steve Simone, D'Agostino.

01:27:45.000 And then D'Agostino brought me a half a meatball sandwich.

01:27:48.000 I was going to taste this.

01:27:49.000 And I was like, yeah.

01:27:50.000 There's an episode of Anthony Bourdain's show where he goes to this spot in New York City that's been around since the 1800s with the same family, and they bring him over spaghetti with gravy and meatballs, and that's what they call it, gravy.

01:28:03.000 Gravy, yeah.

01:28:03.000 They call it gravy back then.

01:28:04.000 It's like old-style East Coast Italian, and you look at the spaghetti, it's yellow, and the sauce is red.

01:28:11.000 You look at that meatball, and you're like, oh my God.

01:28:14.000 That's red lead.

01:28:15.000 Lead?

01:28:15.000 That's what kills you, boy.

01:28:17.000 You gotta eat that at 5 and go for a walk.

01:28:20.000 Red lead.

01:28:21.000 Because it just tranquilizes you.

01:28:23.000 What do they put in that?

01:28:24.000 What do real guineas put in that sauce?

01:28:27.000 Let's get down to it.

01:28:28.000 Sausage, meat, sausage, meat, nothing healthy.

01:28:32.000 Like now, Italians, now, for the last 10 years, now, real Italians.

01:28:37.000 Because of their heart, they eat turkey.

01:28:38.000 Gotta put a little turkey in that motherfucker.

01:28:40.000 It tastes the same, dog.

01:28:41.000 Don't worry.

01:28:42.000 Turkey!

01:28:43.000 You already written on it, dog.

01:28:43.000 It tastes the same.

01:28:44.000 That shit started 10 years ago.

01:28:46.000 Yeah.

01:28:47.000 But you think about what red lead is.

01:28:48.000 They put the beef, the fucking...

01:28:50.000 Sunday sauce.

01:28:51.000 Yeah.

01:28:51.000 There's nothing healthy in there.

01:28:52.000 Yeah, they always had a sundae sauce.

01:28:54.000 And the sundae sauce would be just all kinds of shit.

01:28:57.000 Sausage and meatballs.

01:28:58.000 Why do you think you go to sleep after you eat it?

01:29:00.000 How many protein grams do you...

01:29:02.000 Your body assimilates, what, 30 grams?

01:29:04.000 I don't know, something like that.

01:29:05.000 Yeah, 30. You need 150 a day to build muscle.

01:29:07.000 That shit is 90. Your body cat crashes!

01:29:10.000 Like, your body crashes, though.

01:29:12.000 And the fat from the pork fat.

01:29:13.000 And the pork and the fucking bread.

01:29:15.000 That's the flavor.

01:29:15.000 The pork's the flavor.

01:29:16.000 That's the flavor, though.

01:29:17.000 Are they good for us?

01:29:18.000 Yeah.

01:29:18.000 Oh, my God.

01:29:18.000 Oh, you gotta have the pork.

01:29:20.000 The pork's the flavor.

01:29:20.000 Don't put too much with it.

01:29:21.000 Don't put too much onions.

01:29:23.000 I put one onion.

01:29:24.000 I put one onion.

01:29:26.000 That fucking scene makes me hungry every time.

01:29:28.000 Hungry every time.

01:29:29.000 When Pauly's slicing the garlic with the razor blade.

01:29:34.000 With a manicure.

01:29:34.000 Oh my goodness.

01:29:35.000 With a fucking manicure.

01:29:36.000 In jail.

01:29:37.000 In jail.

01:29:37.000 Flippers.

01:29:37.000 What do you got?

01:29:38.000 What do you got?

01:29:38.000 What do you got for us?

01:29:39.000 You got some bread?

01:29:40.000 Throw it over here.

01:29:40.000 You got some wine.

01:29:41.000 I got salami.

01:29:42.000 I got prosciutto.

01:29:44.000 I got prosciutto.

01:29:46.000 If that was really, I wonder if that was really how they lived in jail.

01:29:50.000 Yeah, they did.

01:29:50.000 They really, really did.

01:29:51.000 You could get anything in there.

01:29:53.000 That's amazing.

01:29:54.000 You know, I called.

01:29:54.000 I'm trying to do a special.

01:29:55.000 So I'm trying to figure out where to do, and it's between Houston and Denver.

01:29:59.000 But if I do it in Denver, I'm going to go close to where I did time.

01:30:02.000 At Camp George West.

01:30:04.000 It's a little camp right by Golden, Colorado, the House of Coors.

01:30:08.000 Dude, I think I'm going to do my next special in Denver.

01:30:10.000 Yeah, I think that's the place to go.

01:30:12.000 I think I'm going to do my next special at a comedy club.

01:30:14.000 Really?

01:30:15.000 Yeah.

01:30:15.000 I think I'm going to do my next one at the Comedy Works in Denver.

01:30:18.000 That's not a bad idea.

01:30:19.000 Yeah, I haven't talked to Wendy about it.

01:30:21.000 Take it back, old school.

01:30:22.000 It's one of my favorite places to be.

01:30:23.000 Yeah, yeah, I like those small things too.

01:30:25.000 That's the problem I'm having.

01:30:26.000 I want a comedy club, but I hear that some comedy clubs, you've got to give them 20 grand.

01:30:31.000 When you're saying you would do it near where you got arrested, where was that?

01:30:36.000 I got arrested in Boulder, so I could do the Fox Theater.

01:30:39.000 Boulder's great.

01:30:39.000 I could do a bunch of stuff in Boulder.

01:30:41.000 Do Boulder while school's in session?

01:30:42.000 Are you fucking kidding me?

01:30:44.000 We could go there anytime we want.

01:30:46.000 You tell me you want to book a show in Boulder, I'll book a show with you tomorrow in Boulder.

01:30:50.000 I'll book it, man.

01:30:50.000 I love it.

01:30:51.000 I've been trying to kidnap my wife and bring her back there forever.

01:30:54.000 Boulder is the shit.

01:30:56.000 That's the greatest town on earth.

01:30:59.000 I mean, it's right up there with Alaska, that Anchorage, Alaska, but Alaska gets too cold.

01:31:03.000 Boulder gets, like, towering.

01:31:05.000 How good was the fish up there?

01:31:06.000 It's incredible.

01:31:07.000 Did you get any halibut?

01:31:08.000 Did you eat any halibut?

01:31:09.000 No, yeah.

01:31:09.000 No, I think we had some halibut.

01:31:11.000 What were the fish you were catching?

01:31:12.000 Oh, I had some crab legs.

01:31:13.000 How good were they?

01:31:14.000 Oh, amazing.

01:31:15.000 It was amazing.

01:31:15.000 You're getting them fresh.

01:31:16.000 You're getting fresh Alaskan king crab legs.

01:31:18.000 Fuck Gelson's with that bullshit.

01:31:20.000 $82 and it gets here two days later.

01:31:23.000 What's really badass about Alaska is the people, though.

01:31:26.000 The people are just top-notch, man.

01:31:29.000 They were so fucking cool.

01:31:30.000 They couldn't have been cooler.

01:31:32.000 It's just like one of those places you're like, oh, I get it.

01:31:35.000 When you're just there for a day, you're just like, oh, man, people are different up here.

01:31:41.000 They're different because they've got to deal with an extreme climate, and they all bond together, you know?

01:31:47.000 Like, they were talking, one of the dudes that was working there was talking about Jewel, you know, because Jewel is from Alaska.

01:31:53.000 And apparently something happened once where she had to cancel a show.

01:31:57.000 And then when she came back, after she had canceled, there was, like, really low attendance.

01:32:02.000 Because people were disappointed in her.

01:32:03.000 They don't forgive you for stuff like that.

01:32:05.000 Like, they think, like, you're a part of a community, right?

01:32:09.000 And if you cancel something, especially if you don't have the best excuse ever, they get upset at you.

01:32:14.000 I thought I found that fascinating.

01:32:15.000 I don't know.

01:32:17.000 They said she's normal.

01:32:18.000 They said she's like a normal person.

01:32:19.000 She's out there.

01:32:21.000 Everybody knows where her house is.

01:32:22.000 Nobody fucks with her.

01:32:24.000 By the way, have you watched the Liberace movie?

01:32:26.000 No.

01:32:27.000 On HBO. I heard you were doing a bit about it on stage.

01:32:30.000 I heard it's good.

01:32:31.000 I didn't hear it.

01:32:31.000 I loved it.

01:32:32.000 I loved it.

01:32:32.000 Really?

01:32:33.000 For some people, for me, it's to see what I've seen growing up.

01:32:38.000 Creepy old fags trying to pick up young fucking guys and doing it.

01:32:42.000 And how he did it, Joe.

01:32:44.000 How he did it.

01:32:45.000 How he did it.

01:32:46.000 He had a lawyer.

01:32:48.000 He had his manager that would just write the people checks and you had to give them the jewelry back.

01:32:53.000 That's funny.

01:32:54.000 I'll tell you what he did.

01:32:55.000 Matt Damon's character, he made him get plastic surgery to look like him.

01:32:59.000 Watch the fucking movie.

01:33:00.000 That's hilarious.

01:33:01.000 Watch the fucking movie.

01:33:03.000 You're gonna die.

01:33:04.000 You're gonna die when he gets Matt Damon in side control with his dick in his mouth.

01:33:08.000 Oh my god.

01:33:08.000 He goes, look who's up.

01:33:09.000 Oh my god.

01:33:10.000 And he just swallows that fucking sword.

01:33:12.000 Listen to me.

01:33:13.000 Watch the movie.

01:33:13.000 Is it really that good?

01:33:15.000 Just watch the movie, Doug.

01:33:16.000 That sounds amazing.

01:33:17.000 It's probably going to be like Brokeback Mountain.

01:33:18.000 That sounds amazing.

01:33:20.000 It's not like Brokeback Mountain, but it's interesting to see.

01:33:22.000 You know, listen, man.

01:33:23.000 We've heard some fucked up shit living in Hollywood.

01:33:25.000 We've heard a lot of stories.

01:33:27.000 Yes.

01:33:27.000 But you've never heard of a motherfucker making another motherfucker do plastic surgery to look like him.

01:33:33.000 And then threw his ass out and gave him $75,000.

01:33:36.000 Wow.

01:33:37.000 So I found out the Olive Garden thing, I guess it used to be fresher.

01:33:40.000 Back in the day, they used to make noodles out in the open so everyone could see it and stuff, but the cut costs, they've kind of cut certain things down.

01:33:46.000 It's not frozen.

01:33:47.000 But a lot of people are saying, like, always say the sauces were always frozen.

01:33:51.000 Supposedly half the shit's frozen, half of it's not.

01:33:53.000 But just like every other restaurant, you don't get chicken, raw chicken every day.

01:33:57.000 Listen, if you want low prices, you gotta deal with that shit.

01:34:01.000 So this Liberace movie, it's called Behind the Candelabra.

01:34:05.000 And when did it come out?

01:34:06.000 It came out about two months ago, and I didn't watch it.

01:34:08.000 I didn't know what it was, and I got stuck watching it one night, and I'm like, what the fuck?

01:34:12.000 This is amazing.

01:34:13.000 He was a veterinarian, and how this guy picked him up.

01:34:16.000 He was a veterinarian?

01:34:18.000 How he got rid of the guy before him, like that he just got rid of him, and then he had a bunch of guys, and how he would just latch on to young guys and touch their leg.

01:34:27.000 It was just really...

01:34:28.000 You gotta just see the fucking...

01:34:30.000 Well, that's the thing with baller gay dudes.

01:34:32.000 Baller gay dudes.

01:34:33.000 Baller gay dudes, they get twinks.

01:34:35.000 These guys are real old school fags, bro.

01:34:37.000 He had a wig.

01:34:38.000 He had a wig.

01:34:39.000 He was sucking dick without his wig on.

01:34:42.000 Did he take his wig off in the movie?

01:34:43.000 Oh, yeah.

01:34:44.000 The first time Matt Damon sees me, he goes, ah, who's this?

01:34:46.000 And he goes, oh, that's the first time you saw me without a wig.

01:34:50.000 And it's fucking Michael Douglas.

01:34:51.000 Oh, my God.

01:34:52.000 Yeah, you got to just 20, 30 minutes.

01:34:55.000 I'm watching that tonight.

01:34:57.000 That's my favorite new movie, and I haven't even seen it.

01:35:02.000 That might be my favorite movie and I haven't even seen it.

01:35:05.000 You know, when I first got here in 98, the big thing was that book, You'll Never Work in This Town Again.

01:35:10.000 Remember that hooker wrote a book and she had Don Henley in the book and Charlie Sheen.

01:35:14.000 How rude.

01:35:14.000 Don Henley would get five hookers, tell them to bend over.

01:35:18.000 They weren't even allowed to pop their head open.

01:35:20.000 They were all in Downward Dog for hours.

01:35:23.000 Nobody in that group of hookers had carpal tunnel syndrome.

01:35:25.000 Do you understand me?

01:35:26.000 Right.

01:35:26.000 He would make five hookers come over, put them down.

01:35:28.000 I'm not trying to be cute.

01:35:30.000 He'd do coke and walk around with a robe and put his dick in him, pump him twice, take it out, walk over to the other hooker, pump it twice, then look at him and put on Hotel California and sit down.

01:35:41.000 Do two more lines of coke.

01:35:42.000 Put it up in the Hotel California.

01:35:46.000 That was before Viagra, too.

01:35:47.000 This is before Viagra, and this is...

01:35:50.000 But he asked him Liberace.

01:35:52.000 He's like, how do you do it?

01:35:55.000 How do you fucking do it?

01:35:57.000 How did you fuck me four times today?

01:36:00.000 So there's shit in there, too.

01:36:01.000 You can see Liberace does the poppers, and Matt Damon won't sniff the poppers.

01:36:06.000 Wow, this sounds like the best movie ever.

01:36:08.000 Now, does poppers make you get your dick hard?

01:36:11.000 I thought poppers was like a relaxing thing.

01:36:13.000 I'm not a popper type of guy, but in the gay community, I guess when you fuck another guy in the muffler, you hit him with a popper, and it keeps his dick hot.

01:36:19.000 I don't know.

01:36:20.000 So please don't quote me.

01:36:21.000 Don't quote me.

01:36:22.000 A popper.

01:36:22.000 I was never into popper.

01:36:24.000 What do they call it?

01:36:25.000 What's a little fucking thing, guys?

01:36:26.000 Emile nitrates.

01:36:28.000 What's the brand?

01:36:29.000 Locker room?

01:36:31.000 What is it?

01:36:31.000 Is there a brand?

01:36:32.000 Is there a brand of popper?

01:36:33.000 I don't know.

01:36:34.000 I've never taken it.

01:36:35.000 I don't even know what a popper is.

01:36:35.000 Brian's got one up his butt right now.

01:36:37.000 Brian's got him in his fucking house.

01:36:39.000 That's his middle name in Columbus.

01:36:40.000 Popper.

01:36:41.000 The fuck are you kidding?

01:36:43.000 This motherfucker was making sixth grade to sniff that shit.

01:36:47.000 It's Popper Speed?

01:36:49.000 No, it's this joint, it's this drink.

01:36:51.000 And what happened was, what time at the Miami Improv had a condo across the street from it, the old Miami Improv, and it belonged to one of the owners.

01:36:59.000 It was where he put his mistresses and shit as bitches.

01:37:02.000 But after he bought the club, he donated it to the club.

01:37:04.000 And it had the bed and the wall.

01:37:05.000 I must have fucked 80 women in there.

01:37:07.000 I used to tie them up up there.

01:37:09.000 I would tie them up and put coke rocks in their pussy and shit.

01:37:12.000 And they would all wake up tied up like Jesus and shit.

01:37:14.000 And if you get that bed, you could still see like eight ropes left on that.

01:37:18.000 I always had to get a new rope to tie them up.

01:37:20.000 But one time, I wasn't there.

01:37:22.000 And they called me.

01:37:23.000 They're like, where are you?

01:37:24.000 And I'm like, I'm in L.A., what's going on?

01:37:26.000 They're like, were you at the condo two weeks ago?

01:37:28.000 And I'm like, no.

01:37:28.000 And they're like, because whoever was there left a mess and they left a thousand poppers.

01:37:33.000 Oh, no.

01:37:33.000 And I go, you're like the type of mother.

01:37:34.000 I snort coke, dog.

01:37:36.000 Don't confuse me with doing fucking poppers.

01:37:38.000 And it was a little thing like this.

01:37:40.000 And you opened it and it had a locker in it.

01:37:42.000 It was like a locker room or something.

01:37:44.000 That's what it was called?

01:37:45.000 And you would sniff it and it would get you high for 60 seconds.

01:37:48.000 Get the fuck out of here.

01:37:50.000 That shit's supposed to give you, like, instant brain damage, too.

01:37:53.000 It's supposed to also give you AIDS, I think.

01:37:55.000 No, that was what...

01:37:56.000 Dewsberg was claiming that that was a part of, you know...

01:38:00.000 I shouldn't even...

01:38:01.000 That was the most controversial podcast we ever did.

01:38:04.000 Who?

01:38:04.000 The AIDS podcast.

01:38:06.000 We had this guy, Peter Dewsberg.

01:38:08.000 And Dewsberg is a professor at the University of California, Berkeley.

01:38:13.000 He's a biologist.

01:38:14.000 And he was the one that said that HIV doesn't cause AIDS. So we had this guy on and tried to have him explain it to us.

01:38:20.000 Of course, we're idiots, so we don't know if what he's saying is right or wrong.

01:38:24.000 He might be completely full of shit.

01:38:25.000 He might be making shit up.

01:38:26.000 We, you know, Brian and I have no idea.

01:38:28.000 And so I said, well, let me get Matt Staggs to see if he can get someone to debate him.

01:38:33.000 Nobody would debate the dude.

01:38:35.000 Everybody was telling me I was an asshole for having him on.

01:38:37.000 Okay, I don't know.

01:38:39.000 Are you sure that he's not right?

01:38:40.000 He's a goddamn biologist at the University of California, Berkeley, published biologist, who has all this peer-reviewed research on cancer that everybody respects, and he's saying crazy shit like HIV doesn't cause AIDS. The problem is, I'm an idiot, okay?

01:38:54.000 So when I go online and I try to read the arguments, like whether or not it does or doesn't, It seems to me that if more people are saying it does, then I would go with them.

01:39:02.000 Because they're scientists, right?

01:39:03.000 There's a few of these rogue guys like him that say it's just they're taking amyl nitrate and they're taking crystal meth and they're just crushing their immune system.

01:39:11.000 And that's why these guys are all getting sick.

01:39:13.000 And it's not HIV killing them.

01:39:15.000 It's partying that's killing them.

01:39:16.000 But then people say, oh, he's a homophobe for saying this, and it's a terrible thing he's doing, and it's an injustice, and blood is on his hands, and people are still dying of AIDS. So he's saying that people are getting HIV because they don't take care of themselves.

01:39:29.000 Exactly.

01:39:30.000 Here's what a copper bottle looks like.

01:39:32.000 This is an Iraqi horse.

01:39:33.000 So if anybody hears this and you know...

01:39:35.000 Rush, rush.

01:39:35.000 I'm sorry.

01:39:35.000 Oh, that's legal?

01:39:36.000 Iraqi horse.

01:39:37.000 Yeah, you can just buy him in the stores.

01:39:39.000 For what?

01:39:39.000 What's the use for?

01:39:41.000 What are you supposed to use it for?

01:39:42.000 Oh my god.

01:39:43.000 Wholesale gay poppers.

01:39:45.000 I told you.

01:39:45.000 That's legal?

01:39:46.000 Yeah.

01:39:46.000 Hold on, son.

01:39:48.000 Go back.

01:39:49.000 Uncle Joey's dropping knowledge on you motherfuckers today.

01:39:51.000 Don't promote these because these are probably killing people.

01:39:54.000 But if anybody knows anybody that's a biologist who wants a date, uh, date?

01:39:59.000 A date, date, date.

01:40:00.000 Want to fuck Peter Deuceburg.

01:40:03.000 Show him some AIDS. No.

01:40:06.000 Debate.

01:40:07.000 My apologies, Mr. Deuceburg, sir.

01:40:08.000 It's just a joke.

01:40:09.000 I'm a comedian.

01:40:10.000 If there's any other show, you'd probably really be mad at me right now, but those jokes happen often.

01:40:16.000 I wanted someone to debate him, but nobody wanted to have any piece of shit.

01:40:19.000 Because he was too intelligent?

01:40:20.000 No.

01:40:21.000 I think it's like a Holocaust denier.

01:40:23.000 If you debate a Holocaust denier, you're actually giving them some form of credit.

01:40:29.000 By even debating them, especially if a legit historian sits down with a Holocaust denier, it's such a preposterous idea that even to be connected with it is somehow or another promoting it.

01:40:40.000 And so it's so distasteful that nobody wants to talk to a Holocaust denier.

01:40:44.000 You don't even give them the time of day.

01:40:46.000 A Holocaust denier?

01:40:48.000 Yes.

01:40:48.000 A denier.

01:40:49.000 Someone who says the Holocaust didn't happen.

01:40:51.000 There's a lot of people like that out there, by the way.

01:40:53.000 There's a lot of crazy fucks that think that the concentration camps...

01:40:57.000 And I'm going to get some tweets now.

01:40:58.000 What you need to know is that they exaggerated the numbers and...

01:41:03.000 What I need to know is why are you concentrating on that?

01:41:05.000 Why are you even trying to doubt that aspect of history?

01:41:09.000 I mean, have you ever watched those videos where you see those poor fucking people being led to the concentration camps?

01:41:15.000 There's no doubt horrific shit went on.

01:41:18.000 You know, you trying to reduce the numbers.

01:41:21.000 It's actually four million, not six.

01:41:25.000 It's a horrible time in history.

01:41:27.000 Disgusting.

01:41:28.000 And you know what's really fucked up about the Holocaust?

01:41:30.000 It was so recent.

01:41:33.000 You know, when I was a little kid, I remember I was born in 1967. And when I was a little kid, I remember that we were, like, talking about World War II. I think?

01:42:06.000 That shit is so recent.

01:42:08.000 It's so goddamn recent.

01:42:10.000 Like, I can remember 1977. I don't remember a lot of things.

01:42:13.000 I remember my mother had a gold barracuda.

01:42:15.000 You know, I remember we lived in San Francisco.

01:42:19.000 I remember some shit.

01:42:21.000 I remember some shit from 1977. So that freaks me out that that recently people could have done that.

01:42:30.000 That that recently people could have just decided that all Jews are evil and we're going to kill them all.

01:42:35.000 How many people did Stalin kill?

01:42:37.000 How many people did Hitler kill?

01:42:42.000 Just 47. You ever see Hitler's artwork?

01:42:46.000 No.

01:42:47.000 Amazing.

01:42:48.000 He was a really talented artist.

01:42:51.000 He could have totally just been a famous artist.

01:42:53.000 First of all, how dare you?

01:42:55.000 You're never supposed to give credit at all to Hitler.

01:42:58.000 Someone in the UFC Q&A said if you could fight anyone in history, who would it be?

01:43:02.000 I said Hitler.

01:43:03.000 So I'll fuck Hitler up.

01:43:04.000 I'll kick the shit out of Hitler.

01:43:06.000 I'll bet the house that I'm going to win.

01:43:10.000 Come on, man.

01:43:10.000 They don't even have vitamins back then.

01:43:12.000 Who fucked that dude up with his stupid mustache?

01:43:14.000 Look at that.

01:43:15.000 That's pretty sweet, though.

01:43:16.000 He was a pretty good artist.

01:43:18.000 That is kind of amazing.

01:43:20.000 So Hitler was a good artist.

01:43:21.000 Well, you know who else I want?

01:43:23.000 Kevorkian.

01:43:24.000 We've shown this on the podcast before, remember?

01:43:27.000 Kevorkian was a creaky artist.

01:43:29.000 Did he die yet?

01:43:30.000 I do not know.

01:43:31.000 I think he did.

01:43:32.000 Remember for years you had him out of every other fucking week and now you don't hear nothing.

01:43:35.000 They put him in jail when he was an old man, you know?

01:43:38.000 The whole thing's kind of crazy.

01:43:40.000 You should be able to die when you want to die, man.

01:43:44.000 Especially if you're in fucking serious pain.

01:43:46.000 Like, why shouldn't he be able to die?

01:43:48.000 There's a new Hitler's Chicken.

01:43:50.000 Have you heard about that?

01:43:51.000 Hitler's Chicken?

01:43:51.000 Yeah, it's in Thailand.

01:43:53.000 It just opened up, and the KFC's going to assume, because it was an old KFC, and they actually...

01:43:58.000 Oh my god.

01:44:00.000 Hitler Fried Chicken in Thailand?

01:44:03.000 Oh my god, it's KFC and they just put Hitler's face on it?

01:44:07.000 Oh my god, that's so crazy.

01:44:13.000 Why can't you do that though?

01:44:14.000 Has enough time passed?

01:44:16.000 I bet you could sell Genghis Khan french fries.

01:44:18.000 I bet if you had Genghis Khan's fries, nobody would fuck with you.

01:44:22.000 I think it's because ovens are involved, you know, the ovens.

01:44:25.000 I didn't think of that.

01:44:28.000 How do you know they're not frying them?

01:44:29.000 Oh, that's true.

01:44:30.000 Yeah, they use like deep frying techniques.

01:44:32.000 Who gives a fuck?

01:44:33.000 It's chicken.

01:44:34.000 It's not a fucking human.

01:44:36.000 It's just...

01:44:36.000 It's not long enough ago.

01:44:39.000 But you could have Genghis Khan french fries.

01:44:41.000 You could have...

01:44:41.000 How about Caesar?

01:44:43.000 Little Caesar?

01:44:43.000 How about that?

01:44:44.000 Caesar was an evil cunt.

01:44:45.000 They were all evil cunts.

01:44:47.000 They're all responsible for the death of millions.

01:44:49.000 Now they're a cute little cartoon that's holding up a pizza.

01:44:51.000 Fucking Little Caesar.

01:44:52.000 You ever think of that?

01:44:53.000 Think of Little Caesar.

01:44:54.000 Caesar was...

01:44:55.000 There's never been a Caesar.

01:44:57.000 Julius Caesar, never been a Caesar, didn't have blood on his hands.

01:45:00.000 Romans were crazy.

01:45:01.000 They were fucking savages.

01:45:03.000 By the time the fall of the Roman Empire was going on, how many of those Caesars didn't have, like, a few deaths on their hands?

01:45:11.000 Quite a few.

01:45:13.000 What's up with that?

01:45:13.000 Is that the Hitler chicken?

01:45:15.000 It's a Hitler chicken.

01:45:16.000 That's fucking crazy.

01:45:18.000 Yeah.

01:45:18.000 Well, Hitler didn't walk like that.

01:45:20.000 It's a Nazi chicken, right?

01:45:21.000 Now, what does it say to that shit?

01:45:22.000 Just to go back to that fucking bottle you had, what does it say it does to you, the gay poppers?

01:45:27.000 Joey's still fascinated.

01:45:28.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:45:29.000 It's never left.

01:45:30.000 He's been pretending to care about Hitler.

01:45:31.000 I don't give a fuck about Hitler.

01:45:32.000 Fuck that motherfucker.

01:45:33.000 I'm thinking about getting...

01:45:34.000 Listen, I'm done with coke, but poppers are not out of the question.

01:45:37.000 No, no, no, no, I wouldn't.

01:45:38.000 I talked to my doctor.

01:45:40.000 Poppers are good for my heart.

01:45:41.000 That's why they sell them on the black market.

01:45:44.000 Turns out, Joe Rogan, gay dudes have a 10% healthier heart because of poppers.

01:45:49.000 So tell Thoosberg you can shove it up your ass.

01:45:52.000 The effects are, like, brief but intense.

01:45:55.000 The effects are a sudden surge of blood to the heart and the brain.

01:45:59.000 Oh, shit.

01:46:00.000 That doesn't sound good.

01:46:02.000 If you wanted to answer a really important question, take some poppers.

01:46:07.000 If you wanted to answer a really important question, will you marry me?

01:46:11.000 Hold on.

01:46:12.000 Water in the ass.

01:46:14.000 Or if you're on a game show?

01:46:18.000 Imagine if you're on a game show and you just throw a popper in your mouth.

01:46:22.000 Brian, you would get the worst advice ever.

01:46:25.000 Imagine some poor foolies in front of Drew Carey trying to guess the prices right.

01:46:31.000 And you're like, Brian Redman said I should do a popper right now.

01:46:35.000 It says that it's time slowing down.

01:46:37.000 It feels like it's time slowing down.

01:46:40.000 It also is a...

01:46:41.000 Heat flush sometimes, light-headiness, giddiness.

01:46:45.000 Someone's doing that on TV now.

01:46:46.000 It lasts two to five minutes.

01:46:49.000 Someone's going to do that on TV. Oh, by the way, speaking of drugs, you see the fucking Michael Jackson shit that was going on with this trial.

01:46:55.000 No.

01:46:56.000 They ain't giving this motherfucker money, though.

01:46:58.000 Who?

01:46:59.000 The worst thing they could have done with this trial was really open up the world to what this guy really was.

01:47:04.000 Did you see yesterday's article?

01:47:05.000 No, I haven't been following it at all.

01:47:07.000 Oh, no.

01:47:11.000 Like the skin was too damaged.

01:47:13.000 From just shooting himself in the ass?

01:47:15.000 Shooting himself.

01:47:16.000 Oh my god.

01:47:17.000 Oh god.

01:47:18.000 This guy was fucking out there.

01:47:21.000 And somebody, a doctor that I go to see, said to me, he goes, these people don't know what kind of worms they're gonna open up by doing this.

01:47:28.000 This guy had skeletons in the closet that go back 30 fucking years since off the wall.

01:47:36.000 Well, any guy who's, like, doing that much to his face, like, the craziness that he was doing, like, that famous picture of him where he had his nose, like, have, like, there was, like, a skin graft over his nose.

01:47:49.000 I think he was in court, right?

01:47:51.000 You remember that picture, Brian?

01:47:52.000 Yeah.

01:47:52.000 Pull that picture up.

01:47:54.000 See if you can find that picture.

01:47:55.000 There's a picture of Michael Jackson's nose.

01:47:57.000 Yeah, that's the old Michael Jackson that we used to love.

01:47:59.000 That's him drinking whiskey?

01:48:01.000 Vodka with two midgets.

01:48:02.000 Oh, my God.

01:48:03.000 Is that real?

01:48:04.000 Yeah, I think so.

01:48:05.000 You don't even know that that's real.

01:48:07.000 That's a goddamn sketch from the Man Show.

01:48:11.000 Drunk hipster, Michael Jackson.

01:48:13.000 No, that's a guy doing...

01:48:15.000 That was a Halloween costume.

01:48:16.000 This is the real Michael Jackson.

01:48:18.000 Two doves and a pair of underwear.

01:48:20.000 But go see if you can find the photo of his nose, because it's one of the weirdest things ever.

01:48:26.000 And I remember seeing that, saying, this is a strange exercise in culture that we're seeing in Michael Jackson.

01:48:32.000 Oh, God.

01:48:33.000 It just pulled it up and it freaked me out.

01:48:34.000 Yeah, because for every human being, you know, these are strange times.

01:48:40.000 Like, that's a skin graft over his nose or something.

01:48:43.000 Maybe it's tape?

01:48:44.000 It looks like the poster from Silence of the Lambs.

01:48:46.000 Is that a tape over his nose?

01:48:48.000 It's hard to tell what that is.

01:48:49.000 Is it a bandage?

01:48:50.000 It looks just like skin.

01:48:52.000 It's hard to tell if that's skin or some kind of...

01:48:54.000 Owl face.

01:48:55.000 ...adhesive or something like that, but he...

01:48:58.000 I remember looking at that image and thinking, wow, what has this guy done?

01:49:03.000 And then I remember thinking, what must the pressure be like...

01:49:08.000 When you're that guy, what must reality be like if you start off as a child, like super famous and loved by millions, you know?

01:49:19.000 You remember A, B, C? Hit sample as one, two, three.

01:49:24.000 I mean, he was huge way, way, way, way, way, way back before anybody knew how to handle it.

01:49:31.000 And he was huge as a baby.

01:49:34.000 Bro, and watch what this Justin Bieber is going to come out to me.

01:49:37.000 This Justin Bieber is going to make Michael Jackson look like a fucking puppet dog.

01:49:41.000 You think so?

01:49:42.000 He's going to be black in like seven years.

01:49:43.000 Yeah, he'll be black in seven years.

01:49:45.000 He seems fine right now.

01:49:46.000 He works out.

01:49:47.000 His skin gets darker.

01:49:48.000 He's trying to get some pussy.

01:49:49.000 Why are you hating on Justin?

01:49:51.000 I'm hating on him.

01:49:51.000 I'm just telling you what I see.

01:49:53.000 You can't do 90 fucking miles an hour in calabasas around white people.

01:49:57.000 I see a dude with a chrome car getting his dick sucked on the rug.

01:50:01.000 I see it fucking too.

01:50:02.000 I see it too.

01:50:02.000 Someone's hating.

01:50:03.000 Do you see his car around here ever?

01:50:04.000 No, I've never seen it.

01:50:05.000 That's on the 101. He apparently has a leopard print car now.

01:50:09.000 One of those Audi R10s or something like that.

01:50:11.000 R8s, R10s, whatever it is.

01:50:13.000 And it's got leopard print.

01:50:14.000 What happened to the laugh action?

01:50:17.000 I forget.

01:50:18.000 He banged somebody's car to laugh.

01:50:20.000 He hit a paparazzi.

01:50:21.000 That's what he did.

01:50:22.000 Well, someone died on the Pacific Coast Highway because they were trying to take a picture of him and paparazzis run across the street and got clipped.

01:50:29.000 He died while...

01:50:31.000 Look at that.

01:50:31.000 Look at his Audi.

01:50:32.000 Leopard print.

01:50:33.000 That's sexy.

01:50:34.000 That is so silly.

01:50:35.000 That's sexy as fuck.

01:50:36.000 That's so silly.

01:50:37.000 It's so silly that he would do that.

01:50:39.000 What an ugly look to that car.

01:50:40.000 That's the most badass car.

01:50:43.000 Everlast is one of those.

01:50:44.000 It's such a wicked looking car.

01:50:47.000 To cover that thing with leopard print.

01:50:50.000 But that's like, that's the silliest, I can do whatever the fuck I want move ever, you know?

01:50:55.000 He had a Karma Fisker that was chrome.

01:50:58.000 Did you ever see that thing?

01:50:59.000 That's just preposterous.

01:51:01.000 How dare you?

01:51:02.000 How dare you, young man?

01:51:04.000 Running around in a chrome car.

01:51:06.000 Telling you 10 years from now, he's gonna be on heroin, fucking transporting Mexican fucking people, doing a bunch of shit with a helicopter.

01:51:13.000 Seemally a good kid.

01:51:14.000 You met him?

01:51:14.000 Maybe he's gonna do some yoga.

01:51:15.000 Yeah, yeah, I met him at UFC. He's gonna seem very friendly.

01:51:18.000 Seem pretty down to earth considering who the fuck he is.

01:51:21.000 Just think of how crazy you would be if you were Justin Bieber.

01:51:25.000 Think of what you would have done if you had become Justin Bieber when you were 15 or whatever he is.

01:51:30.000 20 years old with $50 million.

01:51:32.000 Oh my god.

01:51:33.000 What are you acting like?

01:51:34.000 You go crazy.

01:51:35.000 What are you acting like?

01:51:35.000 What are you going to do?

01:51:36.000 The world is your oyster.

01:51:37.000 You think somebody comes to you and says, put your money away, you're going to listen to that person, you're going to go, fuck...

01:51:42.000 You.

01:51:44.000 Right in the face?

01:51:45.000 Bro, can you imagine you go to the standard and fucking just buy waitresses?

01:51:48.000 Like, dog, how much for you?

01:51:50.000 You'd be like that prince or the king in the Game of Thrones.

01:51:53.000 That's who you'd be like.

01:51:54.000 You'd be evil.

01:51:55.000 You know, the amount of power...

01:51:57.000 Like, that's not the amount of power that a person should ever attain.

01:52:01.000 And it's incredibly rare that a person ever does attain that type of wealth.

01:52:06.000 Like, you got Justin Bieber-type wealth...

01:52:09.000 And the fact that he's getting it when he's...

01:52:11.000 Am I boring you?

01:52:13.000 The fact that he gets it when he's 17 or whatever the hell he is?

01:52:16.000 How old was he when he got super famous?

01:52:17.000 Was he like 17?

01:52:20.000 Younger?

01:52:20.000 15?

01:52:21.000 15?

01:52:21.000 What is he now, like 19?

01:52:23.000 Something like that.

01:52:23.000 He's like a young man now.

01:52:24.000 We have this game that we play that was like, could you beat up so-and-so, so-and-so?

01:52:28.000 And we like, say it to like, you know, and I said, I could beat up Bieber.

01:52:32.000 Because not really thinking, I was like, yeah, he's a little kid.

01:52:35.000 I got old man fat strength.

01:52:36.000 I could just sit on him or something like that.

01:52:37.000 But then I saw him with his shirt off the other day on some website, and I was like, holy shit, that dude could probably destroy me.

01:52:44.000 He's fucking ripped.

01:52:45.000 He's a little boy now.

01:52:46.000 Fuck you up.

01:52:47.000 Plus, I think he's like a blue belt or something.

01:52:48.000 Do you think he could beat you up, Diaz?

01:52:50.000 Absolutely.

01:52:57.000 That's funny.

01:52:58.000 Is he a blue belt in jiu-jitsu?

01:52:59.000 Somebody told me that.

01:53:00.000 No, you know who is, too?

01:53:01.000 Michael Jackson's son.

01:53:02.000 He just got his blue belt.

01:53:04.000 Really?

01:53:05.000 Yeah, Gracie Torrance, I'm pretty sure.

01:53:06.000 So it's a legit blue belt.

01:53:08.000 Fucking Ustream, man.

01:53:09.000 Ustream keeps lagging out.

01:53:11.000 I don't know why Ustream keeps sucking it lately.

01:53:13.000 We gotta figure out what's going on with this.

01:53:15.000 But people are complaining like nuts.

01:53:17.000 Yeah, they complain in the mornings, too.

01:53:19.000 Shit's going on.

01:53:20.000 Too many commercials, this and this.

01:53:21.000 Well, that's not the problem we're having.

01:53:22.000 We're just having a problem with it cutting out like crazy.

01:53:25.000 But is it come...

01:53:28.000 What's that?

01:53:28.000 The app is good?

01:53:30.000 It's working?

01:53:31.000 But is it, when we upload it to Vimeo, do we get a clean?

01:53:34.000 Yeah, it's fine.

01:53:35.000 It's fine.

01:53:35.000 Okay, so watch the Vimeo.

01:53:37.000 Don't pay attention to us.

01:53:39.000 Why are you watching us right now anyway?

01:53:40.000 And the fact that it works on the iPad fine just goes to believe that it is more, again, a flash plug-in problem.

01:53:47.000 Hmm, that's interesting.

01:53:49.000 So maybe I should try it on another browser.

01:53:51.000 Alright, let me try it on another browser.

01:53:53.000 I'm going to shut this bitch off, and I'm going to try it.

01:53:55.000 You're on Chrome right there?

01:53:56.000 Yeah, I'm going to try it on Safari.

01:53:59.000 Where are you at this weekend, Joe Diaz?

01:54:01.000 I got a couple things this weekend.

01:54:03.000 A couple spots.

01:54:03.000 Nothing too fucking serious.

01:54:05.000 Next week I go to Philadelphia.

01:54:07.000 Yeah?

01:54:07.000 I go to fucking Helium.

01:54:09.000 Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, ready to rock.

01:54:11.000 Okay, like we were talking about, like, great clubs?

01:54:14.000 Yep.

01:54:14.000 It doesn't get any better than that.

01:54:16.000 Doesn't get any better than that club.

01:54:17.000 And Helium opened one in Buffalo.

01:54:18.000 I had to change that date, and I'm doing Portland in September also, so I'm pretty excited.

01:54:23.000 Oh, you're doing helium in Portland as well?

01:54:25.000 Oh, sweet baby, Jesus.

01:54:27.000 I'm pretty excited for Philly, though.

01:54:28.000 Heliums are the bomb, dude.

01:54:30.000 What am I, 12?

01:54:31.000 The bomb, bro.

01:54:32.000 And they're going to open another one, I think, in St. Louis.

01:54:34.000 I put it on Safari immediately, it lags out.

01:54:37.000 Really?

01:54:38.000 Immediately.

01:54:39.000 Yeah, I don't know what's going on.

01:54:40.000 You stream.

01:54:41.000 How old's Paris Jackson?

01:54:43.000 He looked like he's like 17 or something like that.

01:54:45.000 I mean the girl.

01:54:46.000 Oh.

01:54:47.000 I think she's like, she's in her teens, I think.

01:54:52.000 I'm not sure.

01:54:53.000 Is she 18 yet?

01:54:54.000 I feel bad about her.

01:54:55.000 I feel bad about all of them, man.

01:54:57.000 I mean, what a strange way to live your life.

01:54:59.000 Yeah, but she's cute.

01:54:59.000 To grow up that famous.

01:55:01.000 You know, what are you doing over there, Joey?

01:55:03.000 Are you reading your phone?

01:55:05.000 No, no, I'm sending back an email or something.

01:55:07.000 Send him back an email.

01:55:08.000 This is bad shit here, you know what I'm saying?

01:55:10.000 What?

01:55:11.000 Nothing, nothing.

01:55:12.000 I'm looking at this little...

01:55:12.000 You just lost us.

01:55:13.000 You left us and you started emailing people.

01:55:15.000 That's not how Joey Diaz is.

01:55:16.000 He ate a candy.

01:55:17.000 I don't know if anybody noticed this.

01:55:19.000 You heard some chewing while the show was going on?

01:55:21.000 That was a half a piece.

01:55:21.000 About an hour ago, he ate a candy and it's clearly kicked in.

01:55:25.000 No, it hasn't kicked in.

01:55:26.000 You have disassociated from this conversation.

01:55:29.000 This motherfucker won't kick until later on, you know what I mean.

01:55:32.000 So, um, this weekend is Philly?

01:55:34.000 Next weekend is Philly.

01:55:35.000 Who are you working with?

01:55:37.000 Solo.

01:55:37.000 And then the weekend after that, I'm with my man Dom Herrera up at the Ice House.

01:55:40.000 Yeah, I saw that.

01:55:41.000 You guys are co-headlining the weekend.

01:55:43.000 Yeah, co-headlining.

01:55:43.000 That's the weirdest fucking thing in the world.

01:55:44.000 That's a great idea.

01:55:45.000 Yeah, that's the weirdest thing.

01:55:46.000 That's what a great fucking show.

01:55:48.000 I hope I go to Lafayette Tuesday, do the podcast with him.

01:55:51.000 It's always good to see Dom.

01:55:52.000 Dom's good, man.

01:55:52.000 Learn how to be a fucking comic again.

01:55:54.000 You know, you work with Dom, you're like, that motherfucker does it all.

01:55:57.000 Yeah.

01:55:57.000 He's a real monologist.

01:55:59.000 That's a different type of savage there.

01:56:00.000 Well, you know what?

01:56:01.000 All the time I've known Dom Herrera, he's never faltered.

01:56:04.000 He's always loved being a comic.

01:56:07.000 Someone was talking about it, I think it was Bill Burr, saying he really loves the fact that Dom has been in it.

01:56:12.000 He was like a veteran when we all started, and yet he still has a lot of love for it.

01:56:18.000 Some guys, they fade off.

01:56:19.000 They get older, and they're just not funny anymore.

01:56:21.000 Dom hasn't lost a step.

01:56:23.000 He's hilarious.

01:56:24.000 No, he hasn't.

01:56:25.000 He's fucking hilarious, man.

01:56:26.000 I watched him do stand-up before he does the talk portion of it.

01:56:31.000 Right, right.

01:56:31.000 His stand-up is still...

01:56:32.000 I wonder if he's on tonight.

01:56:34.000 I was down there last night.

01:56:35.000 I did a spot down there last night.

01:56:36.000 And then on the way up, I had to follow Paul Rodriguez at the Laugh Factory.

01:56:40.000 How was that?

01:56:41.000 The Laugh, there was 30 people.

01:56:43.000 Wow.

01:56:43.000 But it was okay.

01:56:44.000 I did great.

01:56:45.000 Why was there only 30 people?

01:56:46.000 Monday night.

01:56:47.000 And then fucking I went up to the Ha Ha and I seen Damon for a little while in front of 12 people.

01:56:52.000 I watched Damon Wayans.

01:56:53.000 He's making a comeback.

01:56:54.000 He's gonna go on tour.

01:56:55.000 12 people?

01:56:56.000 12 people.

01:56:57.000 He always liked doing that though.

01:56:58.000 He loved it.

01:56:59.000 Damon is so old school.

01:57:01.000 He'd show up at 1230 at night with Keenan or somebody.

01:57:06.000 You know what I love about Damon?

01:57:08.000 I used to love watching Damon work shit out.

01:57:10.000 Because he'll, like, really work something out.

01:57:12.000 Like, he'll have an idea on stage that's just, like, a couple of words or a couple of, not a couple of words, but a couple of concepts, you know, and he'll, like, take them and just run with them.

01:57:21.000 And because he's got to make all these people laugh, like, the pressure of that will lead him, because he's a great writer, leads him to the best lines.

01:57:30.000 All the time.

01:57:30.000 I used to watch him work shit out on stage.

01:57:33.000 Like, he would write right, but he would also work shit out on stage.

01:57:36.000 Whereas, like, Mooney did a lot of writing.

01:57:39.000 Like, Mooney would come in there and, like, something would happen.

01:57:43.000 Like, you remember when that airplane crashed in Florida and crashed in the swamp?

01:57:48.000 And Mooney did a bit about old black ladies still clutching their purse.

01:57:51.000 You remember that?

01:57:52.000 They'd pull them out of the crocodile and they're still clutching their purse.

01:57:55.000 Like, he had that, like, written...

01:57:57.000 Like, within a couple of days of the plane crash.

01:58:01.000 And it was a written bit, you know?

01:58:03.000 So he would, like, capitalize.

01:58:06.000 He would always have a lot of new shit, but it would be, like, a written bit.

01:58:09.000 Whereas you could see Damon was, like, working it out while he was up there.

01:58:12.000 He would have an idea, and he would just flush it out while he was up there.

01:58:15.000 And so when it would hit him, like, the punchline would hit him, he would start cracking up.

01:58:20.000 Not like that fake cracking up shit that bad comedians do.

01:58:23.000 It's gross, right?

01:58:25.000 When you see people fake laughing...

01:58:27.000 You know, bitch, you laugh the exact same way every night when you tell that joke.

01:58:30.000 That's a fake laugh.

01:58:31.000 That's a fake laugh.

01:58:31.000 You know that fake laugh?

01:58:32.000 Ugh, it's gross.

01:58:34.000 But Damon would like, every now and then he'd like really make himself laugh.

01:58:38.000 You know, I've watched him do those late night sets at the store a bunch of times.

01:58:41.000 You know, it's funny, the other morning I was watching TV, I got up and Bruce Lee's Change the World was on, and Eddie Griffin came on.

01:58:47.000 I gotta tell you, a big smile came on my face.

01:58:50.000 Yeah?

01:58:50.000 Before I walked in here, Brian and I were talking about the comedy stories, telling me how the crew that hangs out there, and how it's changed, and blah blah blah, and blah blah blah.

01:58:59.000 You know, he's enthusiastic about it.

01:59:01.000 What Brian doesn't understand is I already went to fucking college there.

01:59:05.000 Do you know what I'm saying?

01:59:06.000 We did our fucking time.

01:59:08.000 It's not even about you or Carlo's name.

01:59:10.000 I don't give a fuck.

01:59:11.000 For me, I did my fucking time.

01:59:12.000 I did my eight years of spots and Sundays and following dice when you got...

01:59:17.000 You know what it's like to have two other sets and you go to do your set and fucking dice is going up?

01:59:22.000 As you pull up, you're like, oh, this is going to be great and awesome.

01:59:24.000 And they're like...

01:59:25.000 Dice is going up.

01:59:26.000 Like, when I was talking to you, I could still see us sitting by the back, and Mooney, how he would walk up to the check-up box.

01:59:32.000 I'm here, give him the light.

01:59:34.000 You know, and just all those little things.

01:59:36.000 That was my college.

01:59:37.000 That was my college, bro.

01:59:39.000 You don't go back to high school.

01:59:40.000 You don't go back to college.

01:59:41.000 You feel like a fucking moron.

01:59:42.000 And that's what it was.

01:59:43.000 The comedy store for me was law school.

01:59:45.000 It was six fucking years of hard fucking work, of snorting blow, of fucking eating pills, eating pussy, avoiding women.

01:59:55.000 You know, lying to bitches.

01:59:56.000 You know, trying to get a manager.

01:59:58.000 Trying to go up there and fucking get a couple drinks and a rock of Coke.

02:00:01.000 It was an adventure.

02:00:02.000 You know, he was saying that Robert Epivar were in there.

02:00:04.000 I remember the night I was so coked up.

02:00:06.000 Is he still there?

02:00:07.000 He's still there.

02:00:07.000 Last night was amazing.

02:00:08.000 I remember the night we were going to light him on fire.

02:00:10.000 They had him locked in the bathroom.

02:00:12.000 People were throwing paper towels and they were on fire.

02:00:14.000 You know, I mean, this is...

02:00:15.000 That's fucked up, man.

02:00:16.000 You know, I mean, it's just...

02:00:17.000 It's just...

02:00:19.000 I still remember Corey Cuomo calling me and going, did you threaten him?

02:00:22.000 I'm going, Corey, I'm in Miami.

02:00:24.000 I've been here for three weeks.

02:00:25.000 That's how fucking crazy he is, okay?

02:00:28.000 That's how fucking crazy Robert Epivar is.

02:00:30.000 Like, I avoided him after that, where he accused me of doing something, and I was out of town.

02:00:34.000 The best is him and Don Barris.

02:00:37.000 They still feud?

02:00:39.000 That's so crazy.

02:00:41.000 That's been going on for decades.

02:00:43.000 And the Chinese guy, don't you do this to Robert Epivar?

02:00:46.000 No, no, he does that to indicate Nazis.

02:00:49.000 Nazis, right.

02:00:50.000 That's a finger, the Hitler mustache finger.

02:00:52.000 Don was on stage last night, and he just runs in.

02:00:55.000 In the room, there was maybe 30, 40 people in the room, and just goes, Nazi!

02:00:59.000 He's a Nazi on stage!

02:01:01.000 And so all the managers have to get Robert out of there using lasers and paper towels.

02:01:06.000 Right, but Robert is still an institution.

02:01:08.000 In the institution?

02:01:09.000 He's an institution.

02:01:10.000 He's a part of the store.

02:01:12.000 Yeah, absolutely.

02:01:13.000 And he still goes up every night.

02:01:14.000 I say hi to him every night.

02:01:15.000 I'm nice to him.

02:01:16.000 I never do anything.

02:01:17.000 I'm always the nice guy.

02:01:18.000 But all the other guys always throw menus at him.

02:01:20.000 Me and him have always been cool.

02:01:22.000 I've always been really nice to that guy.

02:01:24.000 I never had a beef with him until he accused me of threatening him when I was out of town.

02:01:28.000 I didn't understand that.

02:01:30.000 I was sitting on the stairs.

02:01:31.000 He's crazy.

02:01:32.000 I was sitting on the stairs the night they were throwing paper towels and lighting them on fire.

02:01:36.000 And he's in there like, oh, what's the smell?

02:01:38.000 It's fucking fire!

02:01:39.000 Run out of there, you fuck!

02:01:40.000 Well, it was really dangerous with him because you remember, especially in the winter, he would insulate himself with plastic bags.

02:01:45.000 Yeah, he still does that, I think.

02:01:47.000 He had these plastic bags that were stuffed inside of his clothes to keep them warm because he would walk home.

02:01:53.000 And he would be in downtown.

02:01:55.000 So he'd walk to downtown.

02:01:57.000 Like, when he would leave the comedy store, he would walk like five miles.

02:02:00.000 That was no joke.

02:02:02.000 Like, he did that all the time.

02:02:04.000 He still does that, and he goes to the grocery store after every show every night.

02:02:09.000 He gets the exact same thing, like a banana and a sandwich, and Don Barris does the exact same thing.

02:02:16.000 He follows him and just videotapes him.

02:02:19.000 That's so fucked up, man.

02:02:22.000 That's one of those things that the store had, was those long-running gags.

02:02:27.000 Do you remember when Brian Callen still does it with Don Barris?

02:02:30.000 Every time Brian Callen and Don Barris sees each other, Brian pretends that Don Barris is forcing him to suck his cock.

02:02:38.000 And so he fights it off for a while, and they put on a show.

02:02:41.000 And then finally, Brian Callen will put his lips right on Barris' cock.

02:02:47.000 And Barrows would be humping his face.

02:02:50.000 It's so fucking...

02:02:51.000 And they'd go for it.

02:02:52.000 It's so uncomfortable to watch.

02:02:54.000 Who is that?

02:02:55.000 This is Robert from two nights ago.

02:02:57.000 There's a girl on stage with no clothes on.

02:03:01.000 Yeah, she never wears underwear.

02:03:03.000 She always brags about fucking Ron Jeremy.

02:03:05.000 Hey, should you tell us on stage?

02:03:08.000 Yeah, it's totally fine.

02:03:09.000 But she's been just going on stage and showing her vagina to him and stuff like that.

02:03:15.000 She shows it to Robert?

02:03:16.000 Yeah, and it's getting him real nervous.

02:03:17.000 By the way, how durable is that jacket and pants?

02:03:22.000 That jacket and pants is 100 years old.

02:03:24.000 This motherfucker's been wearing that same jacket and pants every day for a long time.

02:03:28.000 Those are some strong threads.

02:03:31.000 I think you might have a few of them, though.

02:03:33.000 So this girl, she goes on stage all the time?

02:03:35.000 Yeah, all the girls, this is from last night.

02:03:38.000 There's Mary Jane and Eleanor and stuff like that.

02:03:42.000 Eleanor's there?

02:03:43.000 Oh yeah, she's there every night.

02:03:44.000 Is she really?

02:03:44.000 Yeah.

02:03:45.000 But it's cool because all these girls are on the Ding Dong show and stuff like that.

02:03:50.000 It's a fun time.

02:03:51.000 Eleanor is very funny, man.

02:03:53.000 She's a very funny stand-up now.

02:03:54.000 It's interesting.

02:03:55.000 We always kind of knew she was a funny person when she was working at the store.

02:04:00.000 Are these all stand-ups, these girls?

02:04:02.000 Yeah.

02:04:03.000 That's a schizophrenic surfer.

02:04:04.000 He's schizophrenic.

02:04:06.000 I used to do open mics with him in Ha Ha Cafe.

02:04:10.000 Why are you talking about the boy when I'm asking about the girls?

02:04:13.000 How dare you?

02:04:14.000 There's all these girls in their underwear, and he's like, yeah, that guy surfs.

02:04:16.000 Yeah, there's Mary Jane, there's Dawn's girlfriend.

02:04:18.000 So these girls are all stand-up comedians?

02:04:21.000 So is there like a community down there of girl stand-ups?

02:04:23.000 Oh yeah, and what's cool is that me and Tony Hinchcliffe's podcast have two girl stand-ups that started on the show, and they've never done stand-up comedy before, and every week we give them one minute.

02:04:36.000 That's awesome.

02:04:36.000 Yeah.

02:04:37.000 Yeah, stand-up comedy, it needs more chicks.

02:04:39.000 There's not enough funny chicks in this world.

02:04:42.000 I don't know.

02:04:42.000 When things are going bad like they are now, that's when more funny ones will arise.

02:04:46.000 There's more funny crazy bitches that are working some office shop somewhere.

02:04:49.000 Jerry Lewis sizzled those bitches, didn't he?

02:04:50.000 Jerry Lewis did?

02:04:51.000 Did he?

02:04:52.000 Again, he went off a month ago.

02:04:54.000 What did he do?

02:04:55.000 He doesn't think women are funny, right?

02:04:57.000 Not at all.

02:04:57.000 I can't stand them talking to me.

02:04:59.000 I don't think they're funny.

02:05:00.000 I laugh.

02:05:00.000 There's plenty of funny women.

02:05:02.000 That's a silly thing to say.

02:05:04.000 There's funny people.

02:05:05.000 If someone's funny, they're funny.

02:05:07.000 The idea that you would say that they're not funny because they're a chick, tell me Morgan Murphy's not funny?

02:05:11.000 That bitch is hilarious.

02:05:13.000 She's hilarious.

02:05:14.000 Sarah Silverman's not funny?

02:05:15.000 Sarah Silverman is fucking hilarious.

02:05:17.000 This girl right here, this is Katie Menzel, the girl whose mom was married to Hugh Hefner, right here.

02:05:23.000 This girl right here, though, her name is Jessica Shores, and she has a music video that she just put out a month ago that already has 1.2 million hits.

02:05:34.000 Just her dancing around with her.

02:05:35.000 Yeah, if you look at it though, you'll laugh your ass off.

02:05:38.000 Why would I laugh my ass off?

02:05:40.000 No, I don't.

02:05:41.000 No, I won't laugh my ass off.

02:05:43.000 I can't believe you're still talking about it.

02:05:45.000 You would in a laugh about it way.

02:05:48.000 Nah, no thanks.

02:05:49.000 Been there.

02:05:50.000 I've been there.

02:05:51.000 I've done that.

02:05:52.000 Stop trying to make me sad.

02:05:54.000 You never get a hankling to go back there when you drive by?

02:05:57.000 You ever wish you could just pull in and do a set?

02:05:59.000 No, not at all.

02:06:00.000 No?

02:06:00.000 You still, uh, you doing the improv?

02:06:03.000 Have you been there lately?

02:06:04.000 No.

02:06:05.000 Just got a text from Rita.

02:06:06.000 I gotta text her back.

02:06:07.000 The improv is, uh, that bar freaks me out.

02:06:11.000 Oh, the Persian bar in Glendale?

02:06:12.000 The new bar?

02:06:13.000 I'm like, what is this recessed lighting with the fucking lamps built into the wall and shit?

02:06:18.000 I'm like, what are you guys doing?

02:06:19.000 I'm so glad you said that.

02:06:21.000 I was like, you need a corner that you can suck a pussy in.

02:06:25.000 There's no hidden corners here.

02:06:27.000 It doesn't feel like a comedy club at all with white booths.

02:06:30.000 Like, where are we?

02:06:31.000 Are we in Miami in 1998?

02:06:32.000 It feels like a hotel room or a hotel bar.

02:06:36.000 Yeah, it feels like a road gig.

02:06:37.000 It feels like a gig you would do if you were in western Massachusetts where they had the bar.

02:06:42.000 The club still is great once you get inside.

02:06:44.000 The actual setup is pretty fucking perfect.

02:06:47.000 And the way they have it now with the bar over there, it does have less noise.

02:06:50.000 Because people have to leave and go down that hall and then take a right and then take a left.

02:06:55.000 So it's probably quieter for them that way.

02:06:58.000 It just seems weird.

02:06:59.000 I guess that annex though wasn't making any money.

02:07:03.000 Oh, so they got rid of the annex?

02:07:04.000 The annex doesn't exist anymore.

02:07:06.000 That's where the bar is now.

02:07:07.000 They're also renting out the front part of it to a hamburger place.

02:07:11.000 What kind of hamburger is it going to be?

02:07:12.000 The Unami Burger?

02:07:15.000 I've had those before.

02:07:17.000 The weirdest thing is that the murals, if you've ever been to the Hollywood Improv, they used to have these big drawings or paintings.

02:07:24.000 They painted over them.

02:07:25.000 Yeah, and there's this new mural.

02:07:27.000 There's a new one?

02:07:28.000 Yeah, and it's huge.

02:07:29.000 And it's just a bunch of comics.

02:07:31.000 And you sit there and you're trying to figure out who's who.

02:07:33.000 Everyone does not look like who they are.

02:07:35.000 It looks really like who.

02:07:36.000 Do you have a picture of it?

02:07:37.000 The only picture I have is there's only one microphone on this mural.

02:07:41.000 And there's only one person standing in front of the microphone.

02:07:44.000 And this is like a simulation theory.

02:07:45.000 But that one thing is a fucking dolphin for some reason.

02:07:49.000 For no reason at all.

02:07:51.000 A dolphin in front of the microphone.

02:07:53.000 Yeah.

02:07:53.000 And then you can kind of see a couple of the comics here.

02:07:55.000 I can't tell.

02:07:57.000 I know who that is.

02:07:58.000 It's by the puppets.

02:07:59.000 That's the only photo of it?

02:08:00.000 That's the only photo I have.

02:08:01.000 I can see if I can find it.

02:08:02.000 So that's like only a partial of the mural.

02:08:05.000 Yeah, part of it.

02:08:05.000 But why a dolphin?

02:08:06.000 It's weird.

02:08:07.000 Dolphin with sunglasses, too.

02:08:10.000 Yeah, I don't know, man.

02:08:12.000 There's no rhyme or reason.

02:08:14.000 There's no logic to why they would take down those other paintings.

02:08:17.000 Those paintings were old as fuck.

02:08:18.000 It was like a part of history.

02:08:20.000 I think here's a news story about it.

02:08:25.000 The new mural.

02:08:26.000 Oh, God.

02:08:28.000 There's a story in the news?

02:08:32.000 See, look at that mural.

02:08:41.000 There's the dolphin.

02:08:44.000 Look at it, you can't...

02:08:50.000 Robin Williams.

02:08:52.000 You'll sit here and look at it, and you can't even figure out half of it.

02:08:56.000 It's just a terrible piece of artwork.

02:08:59.000 I don't want to say it's terrible.

02:09:00.000 Shut up.

02:09:01.000 Say it.

02:09:01.000 His style does not look like the people at all.

02:09:04.000 If you look at Jeff Ross, it looks like Jeff Ross with special needs or something.

02:09:11.000 Look at that.

02:09:12.000 That is weird.

02:09:12.000 They have the unknown comic with the paper bag over his head?

02:09:14.000 Yeah.

02:09:15.000 Thank God.

02:09:16.000 So now the entrance that's over here, where the...

02:09:18.000 What the fuck kind of mural is that?

02:09:21.000 Yeah, and there's so many...

02:09:22.000 Like, there was somebody there that...

02:09:23.000 I forget who it was.

02:09:25.000 George Carlin's pretty obvious.

02:09:27.000 Yeah, well, some of the people look really obvious.

02:09:29.000 Jay Leno's pretty obvious.

02:09:30.000 But let's see if I can get it.

02:09:33.000 I don't want to make fun of it, but it's...

02:09:34.000 Just shut it off.

02:09:35.000 Let's be nice.

02:09:36.000 Yeah, okay.

02:09:37.000 Doesn't matter.

02:09:38.000 That's what the comics are saying.

02:09:39.000 It's kind of weird going over there now because people are like, what's up with this bar?

02:09:42.000 And it was this crazy mural.

02:09:45.000 Somebody fucked up.

02:09:46.000 Somebody got crazy and they forgot that things are nice when they stay the same.

02:09:49.000 Yep.

02:09:50.000 They forgot.

02:09:51.000 At the end of the day, who gives a fuck about a fucking mural?

02:09:53.000 That's what I'm saying, dog.

02:09:54.000 I come all over here to talk about a fucking mural.

02:09:58.000 Jesus Christ, Joe Diaz.

02:10:00.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:10:00.000 Who gives a fuck about some fucking ugly-ass mural?

02:10:03.000 That's what I'm saying.

02:10:04.000 That's what I'm saying, dog.

02:10:05.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:10:06.000 Mm-hmm.

02:10:07.000 Like a motherfucker.

02:10:09.000 What movies you see lately?

02:10:11.000 Anything good?

02:10:11.000 I saw Despicables, Despicable Me too.

02:10:14.000 It was a good movie.

02:10:16.000 Those movies always, they're better than real fucking movies.

02:10:18.000 All those kid movies.

02:10:19.000 It's a good fucking movie.

02:10:21.000 It was a good movie.

02:10:22.000 I watch cartoons now.

02:10:23.000 Fuck television.

02:10:24.000 Fuck all that family guy.

02:10:26.000 I'm watching Spongebob.

02:10:27.000 That's the shit.

02:10:28.000 Motherfucker lives in a pineapple.

02:10:29.000 It's true.

02:10:30.000 Under the sea.

02:10:31.000 It's true.

02:10:31.000 Was it good because of the 3D, or did you like the first one?

02:10:35.000 It was great.

02:10:36.000 The first one's not bad either.

02:10:37.000 They're good movies.

02:10:38.000 I love all that shit.

02:10:39.000 It's like, I mean, obviously I went for my kids, but it's a legitimately good movie.

02:10:44.000 But that's where they put their fucking screen.

02:10:45.000 That's where they put their creativity in, their kid shit.

02:10:47.000 And the adult shit, you sit there, my friend said he went to see The End of the World last night, and this guy's a white dude that's very geeky, and he went to see the Kevin Hart thing, he said The End of the World he had to walk out of.

02:10:58.000 Really?

02:10:59.000 The Kevin Hart thing was okay.

02:11:00.000 It was just too big to do stand-up at the garden, he felt like.

02:11:03.000 It was just too big to tape there.

02:11:05.000 He goes, at the end, he watched the credits, and he goes, there was 30 fucking cameramen.

02:11:10.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:11:10.000 It was a dirty camera, man.

02:11:12.000 So it just didn't feel intimate enough?

02:11:13.000 It didn't feel intimate enough.

02:11:15.000 When you're doing those fucking places, you don't feel intimate enough.

02:11:19.000 Yeah.

02:11:20.000 You know, there's a certain level, like 1800 or something, after that, it's all downhill after that.

02:11:25.000 For a guy that rants, it's downhill.

02:11:27.000 Yeah.

02:11:27.000 For a guy who's very slow, like when we've seen a guy in Jersey, a slow pace, that's great.

02:11:32.000 But a guy who steps on his own lines...

02:11:35.000 I just don't like it.

02:11:37.000 You're absolutely right.

02:11:38.000 That is the issue.

02:11:38.000 When people are laughing, you can't hear what they're saying.

02:11:41.000 I don't like $1,800 or above.

02:11:43.000 You know what?

02:11:43.000 It's nice money.

02:11:44.000 Yeah, we have a good time, but I don't feel good when I walk off the set.

02:11:47.000 I don't feel like I did nothing.

02:11:49.000 I'm just struggling to talk slow.

02:11:51.000 My patois is off.

02:11:52.000 My timing is off.

02:11:55.000 That's why I don't know where I want to shoot a special.

02:11:57.000 I like to shoot it at somewhere where it's fucking small.

02:12:00.000 I don't want to do theaters.

02:12:01.000 I don't want people to come see me.

02:12:03.000 Fuck.

02:12:03.000 Atlanta punchline.

02:12:04.000 I honestly, Atlanta punchline is a great idea.

02:12:06.000 That's one of my faves.

02:12:06.000 That's a great idea.

02:12:07.000 I honestly think 300 is the threshold for things getting different.

02:12:11.000 270. Yeah.

02:12:13.000 270. 270 is nice.

02:12:15.000 350 gets a little kinky.

02:12:16.000 Gets a little kinky, right?

02:12:18.000 Even Cobbs is tremendous.

02:12:20.000 It's big though.

02:12:21.000 But it's too big.

02:12:22.000 Cobbs is tremendous.

02:12:22.000 And then when you have the little thing on top, that's a little fucked up too.

02:12:26.000 Yeah, it's on top and in the back too.

02:12:28.000 It goes way back and above.

02:12:30.000 You don't feel much of a connection with those people.

02:12:32.000 It's the perfect place.

02:12:34.000 American Comedy Co.

02:12:35.000 That's not bad either.

02:12:37.000 But there's a lot of pillars in that spot.

02:12:39.000 But I don't want to shoot in California.

02:12:40.000 That's the problem.

02:12:41.000 We do shit here.

02:12:42.000 We want to go somewhere to fucking light up a stage like Grand Funk Railroad.

02:12:46.000 We're an American band.

02:12:48.000 We're coming to your town.

02:12:49.000 We'll help you party down.

02:12:51.000 We're an American fucking band.

02:12:53.000 Are you kidding me?

02:12:55.000 That's a jam, dog.

02:12:57.000 Listen to that.

02:12:58.000 We'll help you party down.

02:12:59.000 That's it.

02:13:00.000 We'll bring Chibos, reefer, papers.

02:13:03.000 Yeah.

02:13:04.000 No, that's it.

02:13:05.000 So I want to go somewhere.

02:13:06.000 When you do a set in LA, it's fun.

02:13:08.000 It's great.

02:13:08.000 But they can see us anytime.

02:13:11.000 That's true.

02:13:11.000 If I was Louis C.K., yeah, I'd do the Orpheum and jump up and down.

02:13:15.000 If I was fucking, you know, a Kevin Hart, I'd do fucking whatever, stand-up live downtown, whatever that's...

02:13:21.000 But I'm not.

02:13:22.000 Right.

02:13:23.000 And I'm never gonna...

02:13:24.000 I don't want to do that kind of stand-up.

02:13:26.000 I'd rather keep it smaller.

02:13:27.000 That's why I do good.

02:13:28.000 When I got a rant and shit in a big theater, I lose it.

02:13:31.000 Well, it's also a matter of how much money do you really need?

02:13:34.000 Because if you start getting into the 8,000 and 10,000 seats...

02:13:38.000 It's one thing if you're doing it because the demand is really high and you don't want anybody to not be able to go because, you know, the shows will be all sold out.

02:13:45.000 But you can make a lot of money just doing clubs.

02:13:48.000 I mean, how much money does a comic need to exist in this life?

02:13:51.000 You know, if you're living like a normal person, you can do clubs.

02:13:57.000 You can make plenty of money, you know?

02:13:59.000 But the show will be more like you.

02:14:02.000 I can go see you in a hundred seats and you could be screaming and yelling at the top of your lungs and rant.

02:14:08.000 I'll know every word that comes out of your mouth.

02:14:10.000 There'll be no questions.

02:14:11.000 What did he say?

02:14:12.000 I couldn't hear.

02:14:13.000 There'll be none of that.

02:14:14.000 But when you get into those 2,000 and 3,000 seat places, there are moments, and I noticed that when we watched that guy in Jersey, there was a few moments where I didn't know what he had said.

02:14:24.000 Because he was ranting as they were laughing, and I was like, oh, this is interesting.

02:14:29.000 Very interesting.

02:14:30.000 It gets really confusing.

02:14:30.000 And I'll tell you what, theater dynamics were great for a 2,400 seat theater.

02:14:35.000 The dynamics of Chicago were tremendous.

02:14:38.000 I ranted there, and it came up perfectly.

02:14:40.000 But that's a very few and far between.

02:14:43.000 That place is magical.

02:14:46.000 Magical.

02:14:46.000 I would also consider shooting a special if it wasn't so big in the place we did in Pittsburgh.

02:14:51.000 That was a great place too.

02:14:53.000 That was the Carnegie Library Hall.

02:14:54.000 Oh my god, that was the ceiling.

02:14:57.000 That was amazing.

02:14:58.000 It used to be an old library.

02:14:59.000 Yeah, it was an old library.

02:15:00.000 There's so many places.

02:15:01.000 If I could find a good old fucking joint like 400, 600 seats in Houston.

02:15:06.000 You should just do it at Helium, man.

02:15:08.000 I want to do a brick.

02:15:09.000 Do it at either Helium.

02:15:10.000 Portland?

02:15:10.000 Do it in Portland.

02:15:11.000 They'll go fucking crazy.

02:15:13.000 I want to do a brick fucking wall.

02:15:15.000 I want a brick wall.

02:15:16.000 Right, only a brick wall.

02:15:17.000 Brick wall.

02:15:18.000 What does Portland have?

02:15:19.000 I don't know.

02:15:19.000 We can put this up.

02:15:20.000 Not Giggles.

02:15:21.000 I'm saying Giggles.

02:15:22.000 Giggles.

02:15:22.000 Helium.

02:15:23.000 Giggles is the comedy club that I used to do.

02:15:25.000 In Boston.

02:15:26.000 In Boston, yeah.

02:15:27.000 And Giggles was also in Seattle, a place that was run by the Vietnam vet that I would take a draw from him on Thursday, and by Saturday he'd forget.

02:15:34.000 He was in Vietnam.

02:15:35.000 Then I'd call him Monday and ask him, who was there next week?

02:15:38.000 And he'd go, when was the last time you worked a club?

02:15:40.000 Oh, that was hilarious.

02:15:41.000 Three years ago.

02:15:42.000 I'll see you Friday.

02:15:44.000 He forgot that bad?

02:15:46.000 He forgot everything.

02:15:46.000 Once I learned, I would get the waitresses on the side, and I'd go, come here, find out who's the feature act next week.

02:15:52.000 I'd call him Monday, 9-0-1.

02:15:54.000 Hey, what's up, buddy?

02:15:56.000 Joe Diaz, who's featuring this week?

02:15:58.000 When was the last time you were at my club?

02:16:00.000 Ooh, a year ago.

02:16:01.000 And you had to be fucking spotless clean.

02:16:05.000 But he wouldn't show up to see the headliner.

02:16:07.000 And there was a curtain on the stage, and you could see this jaguar pull up.

02:16:11.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

02:16:12.000 So as soon as the Jaguar pulled up, I did my clean stuff.

02:16:14.000 As soon as he went in, he'd only come in for one minute.

02:16:16.000 And I'd just bomb for two minutes.

02:16:18.000 He'd only come in, look at the back, and then he'd go in.

02:16:21.000 One night, this is hysterical.

02:16:22.000 This is how much, this is how who boxed this guy was.

02:16:25.000 I forget that guy's name.

02:16:27.000 He's a track coach in Seattle.

02:16:28.000 Very good guy.

02:16:29.000 Was on HBO. He's just a college track coach.

02:16:32.000 He doesn't travel as much.

02:16:34.000 He was headlining.

02:16:35.000 He's a great comic and a great monologist.

02:16:37.000 He's completely clean.

02:16:40.000 This motherfucker gets off stage and the owner of the club goes up and he goes, let me tell you something.

02:16:44.000 I went in there three minutes ago and you were being dirty.

02:16:47.000 Don't ever do that in my club.

02:16:48.000 And he's like...

02:16:49.000 Me?

02:16:51.000 And finally comes up to me and goes, I was just about to rat you out, but I remember he's a Vietnam vet and he got hit with a missile or something.

02:16:58.000 That's his right.

02:16:59.000 And then he sold it.

02:17:00.000 He sold the club to a Mormon.

02:17:02.000 A Mormon, that's right.

02:17:04.000 Yes!

02:17:04.000 We talked about the Mormon on an interview and the Mormon got mad at us and then he offered me a week up there.

02:17:11.000 Yes!

02:17:11.000 Now it's done.

02:17:12.000 Yeah.

02:17:12.000 It's done.

02:17:13.000 Yeah, he got mad because he had sent somebody home or said someone couldn't work there or something.

02:17:18.000 James Zimmon or Stan Holt.

02:17:21.000 Stan Holt.

02:17:21.000 One of those guys.

02:17:22.000 Someone had problems with him.

02:17:25.000 And so I just wanted to put the word out.

02:17:27.000 So I can't work.

02:17:28.000 Wise guys in Mormonville.

02:17:30.000 He was in Wise Guys in Salt Lake.

02:17:31.000 He left and he bought giggles.

02:17:33.000 Ah, so I never did that club.

02:17:35.000 I think I'd heard about it, but I was like, you have to be clean.

02:17:40.000 But then he let Bobby Slayton work there.

02:17:42.000 That was what he did.

02:17:43.000 He called up and he goes, no, no, no, I don't allow clean.

02:17:45.000 But Bobby Slayton worked there, and he was saying something like, this is not my cup of tea.

02:17:50.000 He said it when he was bringing up the show or something like that.

02:17:54.000 This is not my type of show.

02:17:56.000 I just want to say that.

02:17:57.000 He, like, introduced the show that way, and someone was offended.

02:18:00.000 It was either Schimmel or it was Bobby Slayton.

02:18:03.000 One of those guys.

02:18:05.000 Fucking games.

02:18:05.000 I don't remember it, though.

02:18:06.000 Thursday night was...

02:18:09.000 The capital of Washington.

02:18:11.000 That was a Seattle gig?

02:18:13.000 And Friday and Saturday were giggles in the U District.

02:18:16.000 Do you know what's fucking fantastic?

02:18:18.000 Parlor Live in Bellevue.

02:18:20.000 Have you done that place yet?

02:18:21.000 Bro, listen.

02:18:22.000 Ivan Salivari called me today.

02:18:23.000 Number one, you gotta call Ivan.

02:18:25.000 Okay.

02:18:25.000 Because when you go to the UFC, this guy up there made you a tank.

02:18:30.000 For you to go under with a bong under the fucking water.

02:18:33.000 Like the guy made you with a fucking video projector that you see shit, something.

02:18:41.000 That's number one.

02:18:42.000 Number two, Ivan called me today to tell me that he's got a cop buddy and the cop buddy looked into my warrant.

02:18:48.000 They're crazy.

02:18:49.000 Like, they're fucking crazy.

02:18:51.000 They're trying to get the warrant resolved?

02:18:52.000 It's a non-extradition warrant.

02:18:54.000 They won't hunt me down anywhere.

02:18:55.000 But if I get caught in Seattle, they're gonna arrest me.

02:18:58.000 And they're gonna keep me in there because it's an expired warrant.

02:19:02.000 He was telling me, Ivan, the whole story tonight.

02:19:04.000 I go, Ivan, do me a favor.

02:19:05.000 Get me a fucking attorney.

02:19:07.000 And let's just do this.

02:19:08.000 Pick me an attorney.

02:19:09.000 Because I don't know no Seattle attorneys.

02:19:10.000 Get a fucking attorney.

02:19:11.000 I'll send them a retainer.

02:19:13.000 Let's get this warrant over with.

02:19:14.000 I'm not going to turn myself in.

02:19:15.000 Right.

02:19:16.000 So what do they say?

02:19:16.000 I don't know.

02:19:18.000 He's going to call me back tomorrow.

02:19:19.000 I'm going to write a check and send it.

02:19:21.000 You know how many letters I get?

02:19:22.000 Like, please get Uncle Joey to come with you to Seattle.

02:19:25.000 Oh, please.

02:19:25.000 I got to go up there.

02:19:26.000 So I'm going to fucking do this and get this over with.

02:19:29.000 I'm going to send Ivan, the attorney, the money.

02:19:32.000 I think the guy's name is Savage.

02:19:34.000 The lawyer's name is Savage?

02:19:36.000 Yeah, something Savage.

02:19:37.000 Oh my god, that's hilarious.

02:19:39.000 And we're gonna fucking go up there and get it out, and then I can probably go up there with you next month.

02:19:42.000 I'm there July 26th with Tom Segura.

02:19:46.000 Where am I in jail?

02:19:47.000 No, that's two weeks.

02:19:48.000 Yeah, it's two weeks.

02:19:50.000 I'm there.

02:19:51.000 And you're gonna get to see Jill Himitsu in Seattle and shit.

02:19:54.000 That's right.

02:19:55.000 My girl.

02:19:56.000 Jill's awesome.

02:19:56.000 She is awesome, isn't she?

02:19:58.000 She's a darling.

02:19:59.000 Darling.

02:20:00.000 The Moore Theater.

02:20:01.000 That's what I'm doing.

02:20:02.000 I'm going to do it with me and Segura.

02:20:04.000 Seattle's a fucking badass town.

02:20:06.000 We had a good time up there when I was looking for Bigfoot, too.

02:20:09.000 That's a good little time.

02:20:10.000 We were up there squatching.

02:20:11.000 That's a place I disrespected, but not really.

02:20:13.000 Why'd you disrespect it?

02:20:14.000 I lived up there with that fucking filthy animal.

02:20:17.000 I was finding aluminum falls in her ass.

02:20:19.000 I ended up choking her out.

02:20:20.000 She stabbed me.

02:20:21.000 You know how it looks.

02:20:23.000 Have you disrespected Seattle because of that?

02:20:26.000 You know, and that's why, like, bro, right now, I love to get out of here, and I love, you know, bro, there's only one place for me to go, and that's Colorado.

02:20:33.000 Yeah.

02:20:33.000 That's it.

02:20:34.000 But I felt like I disrespected, like, I would have to walk around Colorado with my head down.

02:20:36.000 You disrespected Colorado?

02:20:37.000 You know when you were a kid?

02:20:38.000 Why?

02:20:39.000 Because I fucked up there, dog.

02:20:40.000 So what?

02:20:41.000 So what, man?

02:20:41.000 That's a long time ago, man.

02:20:43.000 You're a different human now.

02:20:45.000 There's a thing in Colorado.

02:20:47.000 It's Lord's country.

02:20:48.000 That's a God's country, bro.

02:20:49.000 When you're driving in Colorado and you're breathing that air, you're in fucking God's living room.

02:20:53.000 I don't know what the fuck to describe it.

02:20:55.000 To me, one of the things about Boulder is just that you're at the base of those mountains.

02:20:58.000 You leave Boulder, you drive 10 minutes, welcome to the woods.

02:21:03.000 Like, literally.

02:21:04.000 You are 10 minutes out of Boulder, you are in the woods.

02:21:08.000 And the beauty of that place is so stunning that it affects people.

02:21:14.000 It affects people.

02:21:15.000 It's like living around the most insane artwork all the time.

02:21:18.000 I really do believe that.

02:21:19.000 I think that's one of the reasons why the people are so healthy there.

02:21:22.000 I think the view, like, it's not just that the air is clean, which it is, but it's also, like, the view of those mountains, like, enriches you.

02:21:28.000 I really believe that.

02:21:29.000 I think there's something to places like that, especially because it's a college town, so there's, like, intelligent people there, intelligent, cool people at the base of a mountain, this insane view.

02:21:39.000 Listen, dawg, let's buy some land and let's do this.

02:21:42.000 Let's start a farm.

02:21:44.000 Start a fucking colony up there.

02:21:45.000 I want my daughter to be raised there.

02:21:47.000 Why not?

02:21:47.000 Let's do it.

02:21:48.000 You want to go?

02:21:48.000 I want to go?

02:21:49.000 Callan wants to go?

02:21:50.000 Brian will force him to go?

02:21:52.000 That's pussy shit.

02:21:53.000 Snow ain't gonna do nothing for you.

02:21:54.000 Brian will import chicks.

02:21:55.000 Hurricanes and fucking McCain, all that shit kills you.

02:21:58.000 Brian will box them up in birdcages from the mansion, ship them off Southwest.

02:22:03.000 You know what, man?

02:22:04.000 That's how I redeem myself, by shooting my special in Denver.

02:22:06.000 Why not?

02:22:08.000 Listen, we could go back-to-back.

02:22:11.000 Go to prison, go say hello to those motherfuckers.

02:22:14.000 No.

02:22:14.000 Back-to-back specials.

02:22:16.000 You do one week, I do another the next week.

02:22:19.000 We'll do two weeks in Denver.

02:22:21.000 We could even film a documentary.

02:22:23.000 Two weeks in Denver.

02:22:25.000 I'll open for you when you do your special.

02:22:27.000 You open for me when I do mine.

02:22:29.000 I can't figure a way for you to bring me up on stage somewhere.

02:22:31.000 I'll do it.

02:22:32.000 Fuck yeah, dude.

02:22:32.000 You tell me.

02:22:33.000 I'll do it.

02:22:34.000 I'll be happy to do it.

02:22:34.000 Even if I just come in just to bring you up, I'd be happy to do it.

02:22:38.000 Now, let me ask you this.

02:22:38.000 What's the next legit UFC? You brought me up every special I ever did except the I'm Gonna Be Dead Someday.

02:22:44.000 That was McGuire.

02:22:46.000 That was Houston.

02:22:47.000 That was Houston.

02:22:48.000 Every single thing I've done since then, you brought me up.

02:22:51.000 Now, what's the next big UFC fight, though?

02:22:53.000 It's Brazil.

02:22:54.000 Brazil?

02:22:55.000 Yeah, that's...

02:22:57.000 Well, no, there's Seattle.

02:22:59.000 Demetrius Johnson, John Moraga.

02:23:01.000 That's on Fox.

02:23:02.000 You need to come back to Japan.

02:23:02.000 That's coming up soon.

02:23:04.000 Yeah, the UFC's been going to Japan, dude, but they do the FX or Fuel shows there, and I haven't been doing those.

02:23:10.000 But I'm doing the first Fox Sports 1. That's a Boston card.

02:23:14.000 I'm going to do that.

02:23:15.000 I'm going to be at the show, but I'm not going to be at the fight.

02:23:17.000 I'm going to be at the show, though.

02:23:19.000 Yeah, with two shows.

02:23:19.000 Sold out.

02:23:20.000 Two shows.

02:23:20.000 Boom.

02:23:21.000 Boom.

02:23:21.000 Son.

02:23:22.000 Socket.

02:23:22.000 You got to get to Alaska, Joe Diaz.

02:23:24.000 The next day, I'm going to Sandhose.

02:23:25.000 You got to listen to me.

02:23:26.000 This summer, before the time is up, before it gets cold there, go.

02:23:31.000 Go to Anchor, Alaska.

02:23:31.000 Where'd you go?

02:23:32.000 You did comedy in Anchorage?

02:23:33.000 Yeah, I did some fucking Beartooth Lodge or something like that.

02:23:37.000 What was the name of the place I did?

02:23:39.000 I think it was Beartooth Theater.

02:23:41.000 It's a theater.

02:23:42.000 They show movies there and they have a comedy show.

02:23:45.000 It was fucking fantastic.

02:23:46.000 What's the name of the city?

02:23:47.000 You went to Anchorage.

02:23:48.000 You didn't go to Choco Charlie's?

02:23:50.000 No.

02:23:51.000 I went to this Beartooth Theater, whatever the fuck it is.

02:23:54.000 It was amazing.

02:23:55.000 They have their own beer there.

02:23:58.000 They grow their own weed.

02:24:00.000 It's not powder.

02:24:01.000 It's like they brew their own beer.

02:24:03.000 It's amazing.

02:24:04.000 Let me make sure I'm saying the name right.

02:24:05.000 Beartooth Lodge.

02:24:07.000 Yeah, that's right.

02:24:08.000 Is it?

02:24:09.000 Yeah.

02:24:10.000 Yeah, it was amazing, man.

02:24:12.000 It's one of those places where, as you're up there, you would think before you went there, you'd be like, who the fuck would live in Alaska?

02:24:21.000 Like, my friend Eric Crisp of Sugar Tree Cues, he used to live in Alaska.

02:24:27.000 He's a cue maker, badass cue maker.

02:24:28.000 Makes pool cues, like the best pool cues.

02:24:31.000 And he was...

02:24:32.000 At one point in time, he did like...

02:24:35.000 He was working, I think he lived at a base there when he was in the military, or he lived there when he was in the military, and he always talks about going back there.

02:24:41.000 And I go, why the fuck would you go to Alaska, man?

02:24:45.000 Are you crazy?

02:24:46.000 I was thinking about how cold it is and all the stories that I've heard.

02:24:49.000 But then you get there and you're like...

02:24:50.000 I see it.

02:24:51.000 I get it.

02:24:52.000 Same thing happened to me.

02:24:53.000 I get it.

02:24:54.000 I get it.

02:24:55.000 It's weird.

02:24:55.000 We go outside at 2 o'clock in the morning, it's blight out.

02:24:58.000 That's crazy.

02:24:58.000 2.30 in the morning.

02:25:00.000 We did our show.

02:25:01.000 We took pictures after the show.

02:25:02.000 We hung out.

02:25:03.000 I would just want to go party all night.

02:25:05.000 Oh, yeah.

02:25:06.000 I'm sure people do.

02:25:07.000 And by the way, that myth of no pretty girls there?

02:25:10.000 Myth.

02:25:10.000 Okay?

02:25:11.000 The myth of 10 to 1 men?

02:25:13.000 Myth.

02:25:13.000 It's more than half of the population of Anchorage's girls.

02:25:17.000 And there's a lot of hot ones.

02:25:19.000 And they're like rugged hot.

02:25:21.000 What's the strip club in Anchorage?

02:25:22.000 They don't bruise up.

02:25:25.000 I don't know.

02:25:26.000 I don't know.

02:25:26.000 We didn't go to any strip club.

02:25:27.000 Did you hear about it?

02:25:28.000 No.

02:25:28.000 What we did basically was we fished all day.

02:25:31.000 We rented an outfitter and went for 10 hours at a stretch.

02:25:36.000 So we did two long days.

02:25:38.000 The first day we did 10 hours.

02:25:40.000 The second day we actually called it quits like a little early so that we could get ready for the show because we were exhausted.

02:25:46.000 No, I'm not saying you went to strip clubs.

02:25:47.000 We didn't do anything.

02:25:48.000 People were saying you got to go to a strip club.

02:25:50.000 Anywhere we go.

02:25:51.000 And their strip club there is huge because women come from all over.

02:25:55.000 That was the myth in the 90s and early 2000s that there's a ratio of 10 to 1 men.

02:26:01.000 So if women go up there, they have a season, a fishing season, they'd make fucking 20 fucking thousand a night shaking their ass.

02:26:09.000 Yeah, there's another season in late July when the silver salmon are running, like towards the end of the month.

02:26:17.000 Apparently that's another big time when people come up.

02:26:20.000 And then there's also people that come up for like the various hunting seasons.

02:26:23.000 Like moose season starts in September.

02:26:25.000 People come up for that.

02:26:26.000 But god damn that place is majestic.

02:26:29.000 It's majestic.

02:26:29.000 You see eagles.

02:26:30.000 You just see eagles everywhere.

02:26:32.000 We saw five moose.

02:26:33.000 We were there for two days.

02:26:34.000 We saw five moose.

02:26:35.000 And there's just something about the place.

02:26:37.000 It just makes you, it's just like humble.

02:26:39.000 You know, it makes you, it humbles you.

02:26:41.000 Because it's just, it's, when you're flying over, you look down, your jaw just drops.

02:26:45.000 Yeah, you fucking...

02:26:45.000 Because it goes on forever.

02:26:47.000 And then forever, you see nothing.

02:26:50.000 You just see mountains and trees and mountains and trees and mountains and trees and mountains and trees.

02:26:54.000 And then, okay, we're starting our descent into Anchorage.

02:26:57.000 And you slowly start scooting into Anchorage.

02:27:00.000 And by you get there, when you get there, you're like, these people are gangster as fuck.

02:27:05.000 Like, you think about how far they're living from the real world.

02:27:08.000 Like, they're up there on some weird little patch of land that they decide to clear out some trees and start some fires.

02:27:15.000 And there's fucking half a million of them up there.

02:27:18.000 There's like 300,000 people living in there.

02:27:20.000 And there's only like, I think the whole state only has like double that or something like that.

02:27:24.000 I think there's only like 600,000 people in the whole state.

02:27:26.000 But Anchorage has got like 300,000 people.

02:27:29.000 You could live there, man.

02:27:30.000 I'm telling you.

02:27:31.000 That's four hours away before we even start the party.

02:27:33.000 Yeah.

02:27:33.000 That's fucking...

02:27:34.000 You get to Seattle and two.

02:27:36.000 Fucking Alaska.

02:27:37.000 You can get to Seattle from Alaska, too.

02:27:39.000 That's great.

02:27:40.000 What am I going to eat salmon the rest of my fucking life?

02:27:41.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:27:42.000 What the fuck?

02:27:43.000 I got to get to other places.

02:27:44.000 If you could live anywhere outside of L.A. Now, I know now that you have your little daughter, I'm sure you're probably thinking, I don't want her growing up in California.

02:27:52.000 That's one of the things that I thought of immediately when my first daughter was born.

02:27:56.000 San Diego is so beautiful.

02:27:57.000 It's too close to Mexico, son.

02:27:58.000 If you could go to another state, which one would it be?

02:28:02.000 Colorado.

02:28:03.000 It would be Colorado?

02:28:04.000 Why not?

02:28:05.000 Yeah.

02:28:06.000 I can't figure it out.

02:28:07.000 What about Seattle?

02:28:07.000 Would you do that if you could get back?

02:28:09.000 Fuck no, man.

02:28:09.000 Fuck that shit.

02:28:11.000 How come?

02:28:12.000 I'm fucking living in Seattle from September to fucking December.

02:28:14.000 Too crazy.

02:28:15.000 You go up there.

02:28:15.000 Too dark.

02:28:16.000 You go up there.

02:28:16.000 I love these people.

02:28:18.000 Seattle's cool.

02:28:19.000 Yeah, Seattle's cool.

02:28:20.000 Go up there in September and wait till you see two fucking weeks of nonstop fucking rain and the gutters and you can't go nowhere.

02:28:26.000 And all you want to do is wake up, look around.

02:28:28.000 You know, when you wake up here, you go to pee in the sun.

02:28:31.000 It creeps through your fucking windows.

02:28:32.000 What do you do when you wake up for two weeks and it's fucking gray?

02:28:35.000 And then it's gray in November, and it gets a little sunny for three days, then it's rainy again for three weeks.

02:28:40.000 Relax, people.

02:28:41.000 Relax, people.

02:28:42.000 You're in no danger.

02:28:43.000 Everybody wants to be a fucking authority.

02:28:45.000 You're in no danger.

02:28:45.000 We all go there for two days, and all of a sudden we got the place pegged down.

02:28:48.000 Lived there for six fucking months.

02:28:50.000 Seattle's great, and the people are great, and it's great to do comedy there.

02:28:53.000 It wasn't for fucking me.

02:28:54.000 That long stretch from September to December with rain?

02:28:57.000 Oh, be there.

02:28:58.000 Fuck you.

02:28:59.000 There's more to life than fucking waking up to fucking rain, my friend.

02:29:03.000 It's like living in Buffalo, New York.

02:29:05.000 What is that called?

02:29:07.000 The protractor?

02:29:08.000 Put the protractor to Buffalo and put the protractor to fucking Seattle.

02:29:12.000 It's in the same missile.

02:29:14.000 The same missile could take out Buffalo and then shoot and take out fucking Seattle.

02:29:18.000 They got the same suicide fucking rates.

02:29:20.000 You know, you go to fucking Buffalo, dog.

02:29:23.000 It's a tough live.

02:29:24.000 I love it.

02:29:25.000 I love it, but it's a tough live.

02:29:27.000 I think it's hard to fuck around with California, Joe.

02:29:28.000 Everybody goes to Seattle in July and go, yeah, it's nice.

02:29:31.000 Seattle's gorgeous in the summer.

02:29:32.000 The only problem with California is there's too many people.

02:29:35.000 Yeah, but if you go to Santa Barbara, you don't think that.

02:29:37.000 Maybe.

02:29:38.000 You might be right.

02:29:39.000 That might be the move.

02:29:39.000 Santa Barbara might be the move.

02:29:41.000 Someone needs to do a helium in Santa Barbara.

02:29:43.000 Do you know how badass that would be?

02:29:45.000 That theater that we did was perfect.

02:29:47.000 We don't need no heliums in Santa Barbara.

02:29:48.000 That theater we did for 600 seats in Santa Barbara was fucking gorgeous.

02:29:52.000 Yeah.

02:29:53.000 When do you want to do it again?

02:29:54.000 Say the word.

02:29:54.000 December.

02:29:55.000 December?

02:29:55.000 The week before Christmas.

02:29:58.000 I love it.

02:29:59.000 Because we still got to do...

02:30:00.000 We're doing Vegas.

02:30:01.000 We can't do 29th.

02:30:02.000 We'll do Vegas December 27th.

02:30:04.000 We can't, but we still got to do an End of the World somewhere.

02:30:07.000 Really?

02:30:08.000 Yeah, we still got to do an End of the World.

02:30:09.000 They offered us the Wilbur Theater again.

02:30:10.000 Do it.

02:30:11.000 You want to do that?

02:30:11.000 Wilbur's in Boston?

02:30:12.000 No, here.

02:30:13.000 Wiltern, rather.

02:30:14.000 We're doing the Wilbur.

02:30:15.000 We have to do the Wiltern the day before Christmas.

02:30:17.000 That's the end of the world, the 23rd.

02:30:19.000 Yeah?

02:30:20.000 Yeah, because...

02:30:21.000 Nobody wants to go out on Christmas Eve.

02:30:23.000 No, no, no.

02:30:24.000 Two days before Christmas.

02:30:25.000 Really?

02:30:26.000 Or December 20th.

02:30:27.000 People are shopping and shit.

02:30:28.000 December 20th.

02:30:29.000 But last time we did it, December 21st.

02:30:31.000 Right, so what's the difference?

02:30:33.000 December 21st.

02:30:33.000 You should do it Halloween.

02:30:34.000 Alright, what should we call it if we don't call it?

02:30:37.000 Is Stan Hope and Honey Honey again?

02:30:38.000 Everybody.

02:30:39.000 Same show?

02:30:39.000 Everybody.

02:30:40.000 What should we call it?

02:30:42.000 It's not the end of the world, though.

02:30:43.000 The end of the world, part two.

02:30:45.000 The beginning of the new world?

02:30:46.000 Beginning of the new world.

02:30:47.000 Riders of the Purple Sage.

02:30:49.000 We should do it in Denver.

02:30:50.000 I'll do whatever the fuck you want.

02:30:52.000 If you want, we should do a Let's Move to Denver, bitch.

02:30:55.000 Let's do that.

02:30:56.000 Let's do a Let's Move to Denver, bitch show.

02:30:59.000 How about a Boulder show?

02:31:00.000 Do Let's Move to Boulder, bitch?

02:31:01.000 Let's do it.

02:31:02.000 I think I should do definitely a monthly show in Vegas.

02:31:07.000 Like, every month you guys should do it.

02:31:08.000 I don't know about that, man.

02:31:10.000 I enjoy going in every few months and rocking it.

02:31:13.000 I'll tell you, The Joint, that's my new favorite place.

02:31:16.000 The Joint at the Hard Rock.

02:31:17.000 First of all, everybody works there.

02:31:18.000 It was cool as fuck.

02:31:19.000 Cool as fuck.

02:31:19.000 It was dynamite.

02:31:21.000 It really was dynamite.

02:31:21.000 So dynamite.

02:31:22.000 Great vibe.

02:31:23.000 And that crowd could have been better, Joey Diaz.

02:31:25.000 They were amazing.

02:31:26.000 We had so much fun.

02:31:27.000 Amazing.

02:31:27.000 So much fun.

02:31:28.000 And the people afterward, that was like...

02:31:29.000 They weren't stoners.

02:31:30.000 We just hung out at the bar.

02:31:31.000 We didn't go out to smoke one time.

02:31:33.000 I didn't go out to smoke at all.

02:31:34.000 I was fucking stoned on that edible.

02:31:36.000 I was just talking.

02:31:36.000 We ate the Goomies.

02:31:38.000 We ate the Goomies on the plane.

02:31:39.000 On the plane.

02:31:40.000 I was fucked up at 9.30.

02:31:42.000 Yeah.

02:31:42.000 By four, I was fucked up in that hotel room.

02:31:44.000 I had three Goomies before I went on stage.

02:31:47.000 Goomy Bears.

02:31:49.000 Yeah.

02:31:50.000 Ivan Saliver.

02:31:51.000 And I would love to go to Seattle on a regular basis.

02:31:54.000 I wish I could get you in.

02:31:55.000 And all that shit.

02:31:56.000 But I can't risk going to fucking jail for something that happened 18 fucking years ago that nobody, nothing bad happened.

02:32:02.000 Nothing.

02:32:02.000 Yeah, that seems a bit silly.

02:32:04.000 I didn't go to fucking, I didn't go to anger management.

02:32:06.000 The judge threw me out of the fucking state for two years.

02:32:12.000 Really?

02:32:12.000 That's how it was?

02:32:13.000 And that was it.

02:32:15.000 You gotta go, dog.

02:32:17.000 What are you doing next weekend, Joe?

02:32:20.000 Are you out of town?

02:32:22.000 Yes.

02:32:23.000 Yeah, I got family shit going on.

02:32:26.000 I don't have a gig booked out of town, at least, until Seattle.

02:32:33.000 But I got some other shit cooking.

02:32:34.000 I'm trying to finish up this TV show, too.

02:32:37.000 It's more difficult than I thought it was going to be.

02:32:40.000 It's more difficult time-wise than I thought it was going to be, and it's more difficult as far as getting it right.

02:32:45.000 It's a lot of work.

02:32:46.000 We're putting together kind of a crazy show, but Ari's in it, and Duncan's in it, too.

02:32:50.000 And there's a lot of interviews that they're doing when I'm not there.

02:32:52.000 Like I said, Duncan to interview some scientists and Ari goes and interviews some other scientists and all these other crazy people involved in all these different disciplines.

02:33:01.000 It's kind of interesting.

02:33:04.000 We're only hoping it comes out right.

02:33:05.000 It's a big experiment right now.

02:33:07.000 I can see Ari with a scientist.

02:33:09.000 So do you like gummy bears?

02:33:10.000 No, Ari's very intelligent, man.

02:33:13.000 He's very good at interviewing people and talking to people.

02:33:16.000 We had him talk to some...

02:33:18.000 Some crazy religious guy and we went to the Global Future 2045 conference in New York.

02:33:24.000 What a bunch of fucking intelligent super freaks that place was filled with.

02:33:28.000 It was so fascinating.

02:33:30.000 All these people with robots that looked just like them and there were people with bionic hands and like the cutting edge of life extension science.

02:33:38.000 We had Ari interviewing some religious guy.

02:33:41.000 It was really weird.

02:33:42.000 There was these religious guys and they were all like telling people that, you know, Not to concentrate on technology and not to be persuaded by technology, but the beauty of a rose cannot be defined by science.

02:33:55.000 Who should know why a seed becomes a flower, and that flower becomes a beautiful part of your life?

02:34:02.000 It was like this weird resistance, sort of.

02:34:06.000 It's weird trying to incorporate their religion into the idea of the future.

02:34:10.000 And you're like, listen, bitch, you're getting left behind.

02:34:12.000 You're getting left behind.

02:34:13.000 You're dressed like a wizard, and you're getting left behind.

02:34:16.000 No matter what you do, you've got crazy beads around your neck, and you think they're important, and you're fucked.

02:34:21.000 Okay?

02:34:21.000 Because your style of living, you can't rock it.

02:34:24.000 You can't be reading 6,000-year-old books and saying they had it right.

02:34:30.000 They were on to it.

02:34:31.000 These global future 2045 people with microchips in their head, they don't know what the fuck they're doing.

02:34:37.000 Joey Diaz, I lost ya.

02:34:39.000 We gotta get out of here anyways.

02:34:40.000 We do.

02:34:41.000 Hey, can I pimp a show?

02:34:42.000 Yeah.

02:34:43.000 Next weekend at Comic-Con 2013, we're having a midnight show there Friday and Saturday night.

02:34:48.000 It's with me, Sarah Tiana, Mike Black, Yoshi, Benji, and a couple of special guests that I can't say.

02:34:55.000 Excellent club, too.

02:34:56.000 It's a fun spot.

02:34:57.000 Yeah, AmericanComedyCo.com.

02:34:59.000 Good spot to go and get your free con.

02:35:02.000 When is the Comic Con?

02:35:05.000 Next weekend, Friday and Saturday, midnight shows.

02:35:08.000 So the 20th and 21st, okay.

02:35:10.000 Yeah, and if you want to see me and Segura, we're at the Moore Theater in Seattle on July 26th.

02:35:16.000 The Boston Wilbur Theater on August 18th with Joey Diaz and Ari Shafir and me.

02:35:24.000 Suck upon it!

02:35:27.000 Sold out.

02:35:27.000 Both shows.

02:35:28.000 Suck it.

02:35:28.000 July 18th.

02:35:29.000 And then Milwaukee, we're doing, what is that there?

02:35:32.000 We're doing the Paps or something in Milwaukee?

02:35:34.000 Paps.

02:35:35.000 Is that what we're doing?

02:35:35.000 Yeah, August 30th.

02:35:37.000 And that's you and me?

02:35:38.000 Great beer.

02:35:39.000 You and me.

02:35:41.000 Oh yeah.

02:35:42.000 And then fucking I'm doing Philadelphia the 18th to the 20th.

02:35:47.000 And then the following week I'm with my main man, Dom Herrera, Dead Squad.

02:35:51.000 Yeah, well, Brian and I actually talked about this yesterday.

02:35:53.000 We eventually got to put together a real serious Death Squad page with all the different guys where you could click on the link.

02:36:01.000 You'd have a picture of you next to a picture of Duncan next to a picture of everybody who's in there.

02:36:05.000 You could one-stop shop, go there, press a button, and you know how to...

02:36:10.000 Perfect.

02:36:11.000 She has a counter with all her shows on it right here.

02:36:14.000 Beautiful.

02:36:14.000 Jill does this.

02:36:15.000 Powerful Jill.

02:36:16.000 She's awesome.

02:36:17.000 All right.

02:36:17.000 Thank you to everybody tuning into the podcast.

02:36:20.000 Thanks to Squarespace.com.

02:36:23.000 Go to Squarespace.com forward slash Joe to sign up and use the code word Joe and the number 7 to get your...

02:36:32.000 See, I made a website, Joey.

02:36:33.000 I'm doing a fucking commercial, dude.

02:36:35.000 To get 10% off your first purchase.

02:36:38.000 We're also brought to you by Stamps.com.

02:36:41.000 If you go to Stamps.com...

02:36:43.000 Use the code JRE to save yourself some cash.

02:36:48.000 And what was the other one?

02:36:50.000 LegalZoom.

02:36:51.000 Ah, yes.

02:36:52.000 LegalZoom.

02:36:53.000 LegalZoom, which is the latest of our podcast sponsors.

02:37:00.000 If you go to LegalZoom.com and use the code Rogan, you can save yourself some money.

02:37:07.000 LegalZoom is...

02:37:10.000 Not a...

02:37:13.000 Yeah, I'm trying to read the exact thing you're supposed to read.

02:37:15.000 LegalZoom is not a law firm.

02:37:16.000 They provide self-help services at your specific direction.

02:37:19.000 And if you're really nice, they rub your balls while you masturbate.

02:37:22.000 No, I made that part up.

02:37:24.000 Listen, that's not true.

02:37:26.000 This is a comedy podcast.

02:37:27.000 You fuck.

02:37:28.000 Legal Zoom.

02:37:29.000 Go there.

02:37:30.000 Get your freak on.

02:37:31.000 Onnit.com is our last sponsor.

02:37:33.000 O-N-N-I-T. Use the codename ROGEN. Save 10% off any and all supplements.

02:37:37.000 We will most likely be here tomorrow.

02:37:39.000 I just have to figure out what time I can get off of work.

02:37:44.000 I'm trying real hard to get these podcasts out again.

02:37:49.000 Joe Diaz.

02:37:50.000 You can catch him in the church of what's happening now.

02:37:53.000 How many days a week are you doing that now?

02:37:54.000 Two.

02:37:54.000 Two!

02:37:55.000 Monday is 6 a.m.

02:37:56.000 Wednesday is in the afternoon.

02:37:57.000 I can't wake up early no more.

02:37:59.000 I got too much shit.

02:37:59.000 Monday, 6 a.m.

02:38:01.000 Do you understand that?

02:38:02.000 We're fucking around you, stream cocksucker.

02:38:03.000 He's not even playing games.

02:38:05.000 6 a.m.

02:38:06.000 And he does it on the regular.

02:38:07.000 All right.

02:38:08.000 Thank you, everybody.

02:38:09.000 Thanks, everybody who came out to Vegas.

02:38:11.000 Thanks, everybody who comes out to all these shows.

02:38:13.000 You guys are the shit.

02:38:13.000 We love the fuck out of you.

02:38:14.000 And we'll see you soon.

02:38:15.000 Big kiss!

02:38:27.000 Mm-mm.

The Joe Rogan Experience - July 09, 2013

Joe Rogan Experience #373 - Joey "CoCo" Diaz

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