The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #382

00:00:02.000 Hey, freaks.

00:00:04.000 What's happening?

00:00:05.000 Friends?

00:00:06.000 People offended by freak?

00:00:08.000 You too.

00:00:09.000 What the fuck's going on?

00:00:10.000 Don't say tranny.

00:00:11.000 You're not allowed to say that anymore.

00:00:14.000 That's a new one.

00:00:15.000 They removed tranny.

00:00:17.000 Tranny's bad now.

00:00:18.000 Even if you're saying that right now, it's very dangerous.

00:00:20.000 You removed to make a tranny also.

00:00:22.000 Oh, you son of a bitch.

00:00:23.000 You rearrange.

00:00:25.000 You're not supposed to say that anymore.

00:00:27.000 It's transgender.

00:00:28.000 You recycle.

00:00:29.000 Even if you love transgender people, you're not allowed to say that.

00:00:32.000 Even if you have nothing but love in your heart, tranny's out now.

00:00:36.000 It's offensive.

00:00:36.000 I'll never be able to embrace it.

00:00:38.000 I accept it, and I honor it, but it fucking eats at me.

00:00:44.000 My head can't wrap around it.

00:00:46.000 You know what you head can wrap around Greg Fitzsimmons?

00:00:49.000 Legalzoom.com!

00:00:50.000 Let me tell you, kid!

00:00:54.000 If you ever have had to do anything legal involving setting up a corporation, it's kind of a pain in the ass.

00:01:01.000 You've got to go to someone's office, you've got to pay some dude a lot of money.

00:01:04.000 Cost me a ton of money.

00:01:05.000 Well, you can do it on LegalZoom for $99.

00:01:08.000 They'll talk you through it.

00:01:10.000 If you run into troubles, they can connect you with an independent attorney.

00:01:13.000 If you need additional guidance, independent attorney.

00:01:16.000 So, If you get to one of those situations where you're like, you know what?

00:01:18.000 I think I might be fucked.

00:01:20.000 And you're looking at all you've created and you're like, I don't think this is legal.

00:01:23.000 I don't think I know what I'm doing.

00:01:24.000 Like, ah!

00:01:25.000 They'll hook you up.

00:01:26.000 And LegalZoom, they want to emphasize that it's not a law firm.

00:01:30.000 They provide self-help services at your specific direction.

00:01:33.000 But if you need things, like if you need to write a will or need to do something along those lines, you can do that online with LegalZoom.com.

00:01:42.000 With LegalZoom.com, and it makes it much easier than going somewhere.

00:01:46.000 I mean, this is where the world is coming.

00:01:48.000 Eventually you're going to be able to do everything on your fucking computer.

00:01:51.000 I mean, just like Stamps.com, this is the same kind of thing.

00:01:54.000 You're going to be able to do these things on your computer, and LegalZoom.com is an excellent example of that.

00:01:59.000 The past 12 years, over 2 million Americans.

00:02:02.000 Have used it, and they saved a ton of money.

00:02:04.000 It's an excellent service.

00:02:06.000 So go check them out.

00:02:09.000 Craigford Simmons.

00:02:10.000 And use the code name ROGAN in the referral box for even more savings.

00:02:14.000 Alright, my friends.

00:02:15.000 Boom, shalak, lock, boom.

00:02:18.000 Onnit.com, that's the other sponsor.

00:02:20.000 If you go to O-N-N-I-T and use the code name ROGAN, you will save 10% off any and all supplements.

00:02:25.000 That's Mike Dolce, and he knows a lot about food.

00:02:29.000 But apparently he thinks you can eat wheat.

00:02:31.000 I've got to talk to him about that.

00:02:32.000 I've got to find out if I'm wasting my time not eating wheat.

00:02:36.000 I'm all gluten-free right now, Greg Fitzsimmons.

00:02:38.000 I heard wheat is the shit.

00:02:39.000 That's the new thing.

00:02:40.000 It is the complete food source.

00:02:42.000 Really?

00:02:43.000 Yeah.

00:02:43.000 That's all you need?

00:02:45.000 That it's the best food source?

00:02:47.000 That is the best in terms of the amount of different nutrients and fiber.

00:02:53.000 There you go.

00:02:54.000 You see people that drink shots of wheatgrass.

00:02:57.000 That's true.

00:02:58.000 Yeah.

00:02:59.000 That is true.

00:03:00.000 Is that the same, though?

00:03:02.000 I don't know.

00:03:02.000 Is wheatgrass the same as wheat?

00:03:04.000 I don't think it is.

00:03:05.000 It sure doesn't fucking look like it.

00:03:07.000 Wheat's the brown shit that we have in Ohio that you chew on when you're thinking about things.

00:03:11.000 When you want to look like Uncle Barry Finn.

00:03:13.000 Right, right.

00:03:15.000 I don't know.

00:03:16.000 I'm trying gluten-free for a while.

00:03:18.000 See how it works.

00:03:19.000 So far, it works so good.

00:03:20.000 But Mike Dolce has got Ultimate Grocery Guide up there on it.

00:03:24.000 You can learn more about that.

00:03:25.000 Mike Dolce is a guy that a lot of the MMA fighters use for their nutrition, counseling.

00:03:32.000 He's a really smart guy when it comes to diet.

00:03:36.000 So I've got to ask him about this wheat thing, find out what's good or bad about it.

00:03:39.000 But mostly what we sell on Onnit is things that can enhance human performance.

00:03:44.000 All stuff like strength and conditioning equipment, supplements like hemp protein powder and things along those lines.

00:03:51.000 It's all just things that if you use them on a regular basis, they can enhance human performance.

00:03:58.000 Whether it's medicine balls or weighted vests or kettlebell cardio DVDs.

00:04:03.000 All the stuff that we sell, the idea is that it's going to enhance.

00:04:07.000 If you use it and you work out with it It'll enhance the way your body works.

00:04:11.000 If you take the supplements, it'll enhance the way your body functions.

00:04:14.000 I want big muscles.

00:04:16.000 You should get some.

00:04:16.000 I need some.

00:04:17.000 I need bigger muscles.

00:04:18.000 Are you ready?

00:04:19.000 Yeah.

00:04:19.000 Commit.

00:04:20.000 You've got to be sore all the time, though.

00:04:22.000 I've got a big mouth.

00:04:23.000 I need to start backing it up.

00:04:25.000 At almost 50, you're like, fuck it.

00:04:27.000 It's time to really knuckle up and get tough.

00:04:29.000 I'm not going to calm down.

00:04:31.000 I'm tired of being the guy with the sand kicked in his face.

00:04:34.000 O-N-N-I-T. Use the codename ROGAN. Save yourself 10% off any and all supplements.

00:04:40.000 Greg Fitzsimmons is in the fucking house, my friends.

00:04:43.000 Cue it, Brian.

00:04:44.000 Okay.

00:04:58.000 Sweet, sweet Greg Fitzsimmons, you beautiful savage, you.

00:05:02.000 Always good to see you, my friend.

00:05:03.000 What a hang this is going to be, baby.

00:05:06.000 Kicking back, got some Girl Scout cookies and your special coffee, what's it called?

00:05:11.000 It's called Bulletproof Coffee.

00:05:12.000 Oh man, that goes down smooth.

00:05:14.000 It's a Dave Asprey creation.

00:05:16.000 He invented creating coffee with grass-fed butter and MCT oil.

00:05:22.000 Medium triglyceride oil.

00:05:25.000 It gives you a caffeine high and it's a lip balm.

00:05:28.000 Yeah.

00:05:30.000 It keeps you greasy.

00:05:32.000 The idea with it is that because it has the caffeine blended in with the butter and the MCT oil, that it's more of a slow-release effect.

00:05:40.000 Right.

00:05:41.000 It takes your body a while to digest it as opposed to like coffee just go right in your bloodstream.

00:05:46.000 And you don't get the crash with this as much.

00:05:48.000 Exactly.

00:05:49.000 Exactly.

00:05:50.000 It's much less of a crash.

00:05:51.000 Isn't that how they do medicinal marijuana stuff is in the butter, right?

00:05:54.000 Yes.

00:05:55.000 I do not know.

00:05:56.000 I've never made anything or cooked anything.

00:05:58.000 I don't know the process, but I know there's something involved cooking it to activate the THC in an edible form.

00:06:05.000 I think, though, that you can get high with it if you just eat it on its own.

00:06:10.000 Yeah.

00:06:10.000 I think you have to eat an assload of it.

00:06:13.000 I think it's no joke.

00:06:14.000 Right.

00:06:14.000 You have to have salads.

00:06:16.000 Right.

00:06:16.000 Then maybe you can catch a little bit of a buzz.

00:06:19.000 That's the new wheat, man.

00:06:20.000 Yeah.

00:06:21.000 Cannabis salads.

00:06:22.000 Did you hear about Sanjay Gupta on CNN? Fucking incredible.

00:06:27.000 I mean, first of all, props to CNN for airing this and this guy for coming out with this.

00:06:34.000 This is an incredibly controversial stance.

00:06:36.000 This guy, Sanjay Gupta, he went and over the last year, he was working on a documentary called Weed.

00:06:47.000 Before he started this project, he thought that marijuana was bad for you.

00:06:51.000 He thought marijuana was addictive.

00:06:53.000 He thought that marijuana was something that should be avoided.

00:06:57.000 And at the end of this project, he's writing this story apologizing.

00:07:01.000 He says, I apologize because I didn't look hard enough until now.

00:07:05.000 I didn't look far enough.

00:07:06.000 I didn't review papers from smaller labs in other countries.

00:07:09.000 Doing some remarkable research, and I was too dismissive of the loud chorus of legitimate patients whose symptoms improved on cannabis.

00:07:19.000 I think?

00:07:42.000 And use a high potential for abuse.

00:07:44.000 So he wrote this long article.

00:07:46.000 I don't want to keep reading it.

00:07:47.000 And he also admitted he was wrong.

00:07:49.000 As a doctor to go on camera and say I was wrong?

00:07:54.000 I wonder though.

00:07:55.000 This almost makes me wonder.

00:07:57.000 It almost seems like some sort of a shift in policy.

00:08:01.000 Because the reality of CNN and MSNBC and Fox News, these are giant companies.

00:08:10.000 They're huge companies.

00:08:11.000 They don't just say things.

00:08:12.000 They don't just say whatever the fuck they want to say.

00:08:14.000 None of that gets done.

00:08:15.000 It has to go through a bunch of people, and they have to decide, are we doing this?

00:08:20.000 What are we doing?

00:08:20.000 Are we going to print this?

00:08:21.000 Is this going to piss off Ted Turner?

00:08:23.000 Yeah.

00:08:24.000 Who's going to get upset by this?

00:08:25.000 Is this going to cost anybody money?

00:08:26.000 Are we okay with this?

00:08:27.000 Should we move in this direction?

00:08:30.000 And then they print a story like this.

00:08:32.000 Because I just got to think that something as big as CNN, like, they could have said, like, maybe in the 80s, if you tried to print the story, they would have been like, bitch, get the fuck out of here.

00:08:41.000 We're not putting this on the air.

00:08:42.000 Well, especially because Nancy Reagan had just declared the war on drugs.

00:08:46.000 Yes, exactly.

00:08:47.000 The just say no era.

00:08:49.000 That's when you and I started doing comedy.

00:08:50.000 It was like, what a beautiful, like...

00:08:52.000 The kickstart everybody had to their act.

00:08:55.000 Right.

00:08:55.000 There was always a drug war joke because it was so preposterous.

00:08:59.000 Kitty Dukakis drinking, rubbing alcohol and war on drugs.

00:09:03.000 Nobody remembers that story.

00:09:05.000 That was when Mike Dukakis was running for president.

00:09:09.000 He had a couple of blunders.

00:09:12.000 The tank thing.

00:09:13.000 The tank thing.

00:09:13.000 He got in a tank and put a soldier's outfit on and let them take pictures of him.

00:09:18.000 And everybody was like, what the fuck are you doing?

00:09:20.000 Because he was the wimpiest human being.

00:09:21.000 He was worse than Ross Perot.

00:09:23.000 Yeah.

00:09:24.000 They wanted to improve his image as a leader.

00:09:28.000 He looked like a snail.

00:09:31.000 Like this little wrinkly neck sticking out.

00:09:34.000 It was like pale white face.

00:09:36.000 And he was one of those guys.

00:09:38.000 He's like Ralph Nader.

00:09:41.000 In that he doesn't give a fuck that his suit isn't from Brooks Brothers and Will Taylor.

00:09:45.000 It's like, asshole, you're running for president.

00:09:48.000 You actually have to take the time to get a decent suit.

00:09:52.000 There's the picture.

00:09:54.000 Oh my god, look at him.

00:09:56.000 Look at that shit.

00:09:58.000 Who told you to do that?

00:10:00.000 He's got like a full helmet on and shit.

00:10:02.000 What does he do now?

00:10:02.000 I haven't heard anything about him in a long time.

00:10:04.000 He's probably a professor.

00:10:06.000 It's a good question.

00:10:07.000 Oh my God, can you imagine if that was your teacher in school?

00:10:10.000 Well, he's obviously a brilliant man.

00:10:12.000 You know, I think the idea of running for president, it must be so fucking incredibly stressful.

00:10:20.000 I mean, that you see a woman just completely lose it and start drinking rubbing alcohol.

00:10:26.000 I mean, she needs to get tanked up so bad and there's nothing in the house.

00:10:31.000 She's drinking aftershave.

00:10:32.000 Betty Ford.

00:10:36.000 Fuck, man.

00:10:36.000 They were all drunks.

00:10:37.000 Imagine the pressure of the White House.

00:10:40.000 Just wrap your head around the pressure of making all the decisions.

00:10:43.000 The pressure of being the guy everywhere you go.

00:10:45.000 There's fucking security everywhere around you.

00:10:48.000 Bulletproof cars and getting on jets and flying to other countries.

00:10:52.000 And you're like the center of the representation of the conflict in the world.

00:10:58.000 Like, fuck!

00:10:59.000 Not only that, people are talking about those fishermen that go out In Alaska, and it's the most dangerous job.

00:11:07.000 How about this?

00:11:08.000 How about this statistic?

00:11:09.000 I looked this up.

00:11:10.000 I counted, maybe I counted wrong, but I think 10% of presidents have been killed in office or died in office.

00:11:18.000 So what other job would have a 10% chance of you dying in four years?

00:11:23.000 Not in the life of the job.

00:11:26.000 So, you know, you got that hanging over your head.

00:11:29.000 The two best ones ever assassinated.

00:11:32.000 Right.

00:11:33.000 Lincoln, Kennedy.

00:11:34.000 I mean, those are the heroes.

00:11:36.000 Those are the James Deans of presidents.

00:11:38.000 Right.

00:11:38.000 You know, if you look back at, like, who's the bad motherfuckers?

00:11:42.000 Those are the guys that got killed in office.

00:11:43.000 Yeah.

00:11:44.000 Those are the ones we miss.

00:11:45.000 Those are the ones that they thought was the one.

00:11:47.000 They were going to do it.

00:11:48.000 They were going to fix it.

00:11:49.000 Well, and on the other side, Reagan was that guy, and they tried to kill him.

00:11:52.000 Well, Reagan was a totally different animal.

00:11:56.000 It's interesting how Reagan, over time, has become something that's much more acceptable to like.

00:12:04.000 Absolutely.

00:12:05.000 Well, time always whitewashes.

00:12:06.000 I mean, Henry Kissinger, the guy, he can't leave the country because he would be arrested as a war criminal in, I forget how many countries it is, but this motherfucker, Kissinger ordered illegal bombings in Cambodia.

00:12:20.000 Right.

00:12:21.000 I mean, you're talking about genocide.

00:12:24.000 If you are flat out bombing, carpet bombing a population that you're not at war with, that's a fucking war crime.

00:12:33.000 And now, I just saw him on Colbert last night.

00:12:39.000 They did a sketch with Kissinger and it's like, no!

00:12:42.000 It's not funny.

00:12:43.000 It's not okay.

00:12:43.000 He's a fucked up human being.

00:12:46.000 I had no idea that he'd done that.

00:12:48.000 I don't have any knowledge of 1970s politics.

00:12:52.000 I know almost nothing.

00:12:54.000 I know a little bit about the campaign that Hunter Thompson covered for fear and loathing on the campaign trail.

00:13:01.000 Oh, right.

00:13:02.000 Which was great.

00:13:03.000 Yeah.

00:13:03.000 It's about my extent.

00:13:05.000 My knowledge of 1970s politics.

00:13:09.000 Yeah.

00:13:09.000 I've never looked into it that much, unfortunately.

00:13:11.000 1970s period is...

00:13:12.000 I must have been molested because I got nothing on those 10 years.

00:13:17.000 Well, we were kids.

00:13:19.000 We're about the same age.

00:13:20.000 I'm 45. 47. I'll be 46 soon.

00:13:23.000 Both of you getting fucked in the ass by a neighbor.

00:13:26.000 Right.

00:13:27.000 We blacked it out.

00:13:28.000 Is that what you're saying?

00:13:29.000 Is that what you're saying?

00:13:30.000 No.

00:13:31.000 I think disco fucked me in the ass, so I just blocked out the 70s.

00:13:35.000 Did you remember when you were really young going to dance clubs and trying to meet girls?

00:13:40.000 The palace in Revere.

00:13:42.000 Oh my god.

00:13:42.000 Wasn't that your place?

00:13:43.000 Well, it was everybody's place.

00:13:45.000 If somebody wanted to go somewhere and try to meet a girl.

00:13:48.000 Yeah.

00:13:48.000 But those were so ridiculous.

00:13:51.000 I only went a couple times to those places with my friends, and I always remember being like, what the fuck are we doing?

00:13:56.000 Like, what kind of a crazy way to meet human beings is this?

00:13:59.000 Did you ever try country?

00:14:00.000 That was even worse, where you'd go like, wait, you're supposed to square dance?

00:14:04.000 No.

00:14:04.000 Dude, do you remember the time we went to North Carolina?

00:14:08.000 Were you with me at Charlie Goodnight's?

00:14:09.000 We went next door to that bar.

00:14:11.000 Oh, I know that bar.

00:14:12.000 There's a bar, and they are all singing along to a song you never fucking heard in your life.

00:14:19.000 It's got my dog in the porch in the house.

00:14:24.000 And they're singing this shit, and they're going all round.

00:14:28.000 They're dancing together.

00:14:30.000 Is it that step dancing that they all did together?

00:14:31.000 It wasn't that.

00:14:32.000 They did that.

00:14:32.000 They definitely did that too.

00:14:34.000 But this was another thing.

00:14:35.000 This is just a song that Brian and I had never fucking heard of.

00:14:38.000 But apparently it sold like a hundred million albums in the South.

00:14:43.000 So we're in the South and this is like, it comes on, they're like, woo!

00:14:47.000 It was like, I'm like, we're in another country!

00:14:50.000 When you're going to a place where they're country fans, that is a whole other country.

00:14:55.000 That's the people who know who won NASCAR. Did you hear Dale did it again?

00:14:59.000 Did you hear he did it again?

00:15:01.000 And then there's fucking everybody that lives in that area.

00:15:05.000 I mean, that's a different part of the world.

00:15:06.000 There's songs that they love that you have never fucking heard of.

00:15:11.000 And they'll be like, you ain't heard of Clint Friven?

00:15:14.000 No!

00:15:14.000 Clint Friven?

00:15:15.000 Clint Friven sold 14 million albums!

00:15:17.000 Right!

00:15:17.000 And you're like, what?

00:15:18.000 Who the fuck is Clint Friven?

00:15:20.000 And you realize, like, Pearl Jam sold 1 million.

00:15:22.000 And they are just as ridiculous as, like, uber-goth guys.

00:15:26.000 Because you know how, like, uber-goth guys, they're, like, wearing, like, black makeup and, you know, they're, like, really, like, completely, like, posing in this bizarre thing that they're doing.

00:15:36.000 What are you doing with a fucking cowboy hat shithead with a turquoise belt buckle and slippery ass boots?

00:15:43.000 Those things are dumb.

00:15:44.000 What century are you living in?

00:15:46.000 What are you doing here?

00:15:47.000 And it's like people that maybe they love Halloween and they want to go around all year.

00:15:51.000 You know, I'm a cowboy.

00:15:52.000 Got my dog on the porch.

00:15:55.000 What if the music doesn't even sell that well?

00:15:57.000 It's just that they're so dumb, they keep on losing their CDs, they have to keep on buying them over and over.

00:16:00.000 Well, look, as far as outfits go, Cowboy's a cool-ass outfit.

00:16:04.000 That's one thing I have to admit.

00:16:06.000 Like, if you're dressing up like a cowboy, if you're a dude and you got the balls to rock cowboy boots and a Stetson, and you're going out...

00:16:13.000 And tight-ass jeans.

00:16:14.000 Even if they're not, or not, you know?

00:16:15.000 That is a ballsy move.

00:16:17.000 Right.

00:16:17.000 That's a ballsy look to commit to in the year 2013. I see guys on the plane.

00:16:23.000 I'm not hating.

00:16:24.000 I just want to be clear about that.

00:16:26.000 I'm not hating.

00:16:26.000 If that's how you like to dress, why not?

00:16:28.000 Why not?

00:16:29.000 Look at me.

00:16:30.000 I'm almost 50. I dress like a 15-year-old.

00:16:32.000 Always have.

00:16:33.000 I dress like a junior varsity coach.

00:16:36.000 I wear fucking...

00:16:37.000 Junior varsity coach has sweatpants.

00:16:40.000 Yeah, you get to a certain point, you're like, that's what's comfortable.

00:16:42.000 That's the most comfortable thing.

00:16:44.000 And then I think about people that...

00:16:45.000 You think about the possibilities...

00:16:49.000 In your wardrobe.

00:16:50.000 They are limitless.

00:16:51.000 A woman could dress up as, you know, Queen Elizabeth every day.

00:16:56.000 As a guy.

00:16:57.000 Yeah, these goth guys, they go, fuck it.

00:16:59.000 I'm painting my nails, the whole thing.

00:17:01.000 I'm going to grow my pinky nail really long.

00:17:05.000 And you just fucking...

00:17:07.000 And it's like, you can blow people away with that shit, but I don't...

00:17:11.000 It's like the last thought in my head is to even make an impression with my clothing.

00:17:16.000 I want it to be a zero.

00:17:18.000 But you should wear a whistle.

00:17:19.000 That would be funny.

00:17:21.000 Why not?

00:17:22.000 Why not?

00:17:23.000 That would be hilarious.

00:17:24.000 Why not?

00:17:24.000 Just wear a whistle.

00:17:25.000 Are you the coach?

00:17:26.000 That would be fucking hilarious.

00:17:27.000 Not the coach.

00:17:28.000 You want to get somebody's attention.

00:17:31.000 That's great.

00:17:33.000 Brian, you're buying me a fucking whistle for my birthday.

00:17:35.000 Can you imagine if dudes just started wearing whistles?

00:17:38.000 It became the new cross.

00:17:40.000 Like a cool whistle.

00:17:41.000 Oh, he's got a cool whistle on.

00:17:42.000 Right.

00:17:43.000 Look, it easily could be.

00:17:44.000 Like, you have a whistle and you're like, hey, Bambi.

00:17:47.000 Like, that could be the thing in clubs.

00:17:49.000 Like, oh, you see how good he whistles?

00:17:50.000 Yeah.

00:17:51.000 It could be like a mating thing.

00:17:52.000 Yes!

00:17:53.000 We would be like birds chirping at each other.

00:17:55.000 It's the rape whistle.

00:17:56.000 With strange whistles.

00:17:56.000 Right.

00:17:57.000 That is a rape culture whistle.

00:17:58.000 Right.

00:17:59.000 It's the opposite.

00:18:00.000 It's the mating call ritual.

00:18:01.000 It's when she wants you to stop.

00:18:03.000 It's trying to lure people in with a dance of noise.

00:18:05.000 If we can make cool noises like a whistle with our mouths, I guess some people probably can.

00:18:08.000 There's dudes like Michael Woodslow type dudes that can make strange things.

00:18:13.000 I can do a water drop.

00:18:14.000 Isn't it funny though that it's such a valued skill?

00:18:22.000 That's pretty good.

00:18:28.000 You guys are fucking 12 years old.

00:18:30.000 Look at that.

00:18:31.000 That's what men do, ladies.

00:18:32.000 There you go.

00:18:32.000 That's what men do if you leave them alone.

00:18:34.000 Leave them alone long enough.

00:18:35.000 They fucking sit in front of each other making stupid noises.

00:18:38.000 And then they buy whistles.

00:18:43.000 Isn't it funny that making cool sounds with your mouth is a valued thing?

00:18:49.000 Hell yeah.

00:18:50.000 That's why singers are so valued.

00:18:52.000 When someone is a really good singer, you're like, whoa.

00:18:55.000 It makes you step back.

00:18:56.000 Like, holy shit.

00:18:57.000 Or Peter Frampton doing that weird wah-wah-wah-wah.

00:19:00.000 That was the biggest fucking thing.

00:19:03.000 We thought that was the coolest.

00:19:05.000 And now you look back and you're like, what was that, wax paper and a comb?

00:19:08.000 Well, that was when he had that thing that he put in his mouth.

00:19:10.000 Yeah.

00:19:11.000 You remember?

00:19:13.000 What's one of those things called?

00:19:14.000 What?

00:19:16.000 Talk box?

00:19:17.000 Yeah.

00:19:18.000 Yeah, whatever that thing is that rappers use all the time now.

00:19:21.000 The auto-tuner, yeah.

00:19:22.000 Like, Lil Wayne eats through that thing.

00:19:25.000 Right.

00:19:25.000 He eats all his food through that thing.

00:19:26.000 He uses it all the time.

00:19:29.000 But, like, Peter Frampton, when he was doing it, I guess it was like, was it the 80s or 70s?

00:19:35.000 It must be the 70s.

00:19:36.000 79, I'm guessing.

00:19:38.000 Google it up.

00:19:38.000 I wish we could play some of that.

00:19:39.000 That song, Do You Feel Like I Do?

00:19:42.000 Oh, my God.

00:19:43.000 Yeah.

00:19:44.000 It was one of the first times anybody had ever done that, and people were going nuts.

00:19:48.000 Yeah.

00:19:48.000 They were going nuts.

00:19:49.000 Right.

00:19:50.000 I just remember when I had a picture of a rock star, just that line he had, woke up this morning with a wine glass in my hand.

00:19:58.000 Whose wine?

00:19:59.000 What's wine?

00:20:00.000 Where the hell did I die?

00:20:02.000 That's all we wanted.

00:20:03.000 We wanted to become that guy who's in a penthouse suite with a wine glass in his hand.

00:20:08.000 Let's do it again.

00:20:09.000 Yeah.

00:20:10.000 Dude.

00:20:13.000 It's a great song.

00:20:13.000 Great fucking song.

00:20:15.000 That was one song that defined that guy.

00:20:18.000 If you think of Peter Frampton, that is the song you think of right away.

00:20:22.000 Cheap Trick, I Want You to Want Me, live at Budokan.

00:20:25.000 What's crazy about Peter Frampton is that Peter Frampton was a guy who got famous because of his live shows.

00:20:32.000 Is that right?

00:20:33.000 Yeah.

00:20:33.000 His live show was so fantastic.

00:20:36.000 He was such a showman that to really appreciate his brilliance, you had to see him rock a crowd.

00:20:42.000 Right.

00:20:42.000 And so when he does Do You Feel Like I Do in front of a crowd and he's got 20,000 people tuned in to him singing along with him.

00:20:51.000 Yeah.

00:20:51.000 It is some fucking magical shit.

00:20:53.000 And that's And he looks 17 while he's doing it.

00:20:56.000 He was beautiful.

00:20:56.000 He's a beautiful man.

00:20:58.000 And because he was one of the first guys to put out a live album like that, and that was one of his first, his big success, was the live album.

00:21:08.000 That was really rare.

00:21:09.000 Usually people got a studio album, and then maybe, I think Kiss was one of the first guys that said, fuck it, let's do a live one, Kiss Alive, because they knew how to rock a show.

00:21:17.000 Their shows were wild.

00:21:19.000 But Peter Frampton, that Do You Feel Like I Do, when he's got full control of that crowd and they're singing along with him, That is fucking magic.

00:21:27.000 That's a magic moment.

00:21:29.000 Can you play a little bit of that?

00:21:31.000 He had that Jim Morrison mystique where he was like, you wanted to follow him into this world.

00:21:38.000 Yeah.

00:21:39.000 He was a bad motherfucker.

00:21:40.000 And he was a rock star in the mysterious days.

00:21:44.000 It was a completely different world back then.

00:21:47.000 They didn't have Twitter where they said stupid shit and then had to delete it.

00:21:51.000 That didn't exist.

00:21:52.000 These were wild dudes and they had no accountability.

00:21:56.000 It was like, did you see Almost Famous?

00:21:57.000 Yes.

00:21:58.000 That was kind of like that.

00:21:59.000 I think in the movie, they're supposed to be following the Allman Brothers, but he said it was a mixture of a few different bands, but it was from that exact time.

00:22:10.000 That's the Leonard Skinner era.

00:22:12.000 Right.

00:22:13.000 I mean, those were wild motherfuckers, man.

00:22:16.000 Right.

00:22:17.000 In my opinion, the greatest guitar solo the world has ever known is Freebird.

00:22:23.000 Yes.

00:22:23.000 Freebird Live.

00:22:25.000 Have you ever seen the one?

00:22:25.000 It's Freebird Live, and they're jamming in front of—it's a football arena.

00:22:30.000 So I don't know, what is that, 100,000 people?

00:22:33.000 And they are dirty white guys from Florida.

00:22:36.000 And they're perfect.

00:22:39.000 They're perfect.

00:22:40.000 Every note is perfect.

00:22:42.000 Every fucking string is hit on the right time.

00:22:45.000 The fucking, just the magical impact of that music.

00:22:50.000 It's just confident.

00:22:51.000 It's guys that have played to you.

00:22:53.000 Like the Allman Brothers.

00:22:54.000 These are the post-death.

00:22:56.000 You gotta go and get the early shit.

00:22:58.000 Most underrated band by mainstream rock fans.

00:23:00.000 Skinnered.

00:23:01.000 Fuck band.

00:23:02.000 People have heard Sweet Home Alabama too many times.

00:23:04.000 That's the problem.

00:23:05.000 We've heard it so many times, you're like, oh, get this off the air.

00:23:09.000 No, no, no.

00:23:10.000 You need to step back and with fresh eyes, listen to Sweet Home Alabama because that is a fucking beautiful song.

00:23:16.000 For Simple Man.

00:23:17.000 Beautiful ballad.

00:23:18.000 Beautiful.

00:23:19.000 Beautiful.

00:23:20.000 Telling your son how to grow up.

00:23:22.000 And one of my favorite things about Skynyrd is that they were ugly as fuck.

00:23:26.000 And almost every song was about getting away from women.

00:23:30.000 I gotta go.

00:23:31.000 Every song is they call me the breeze.

00:23:34.000 I gotta go.

00:23:35.000 I see ya.

00:23:36.000 I need to be free.

00:23:37.000 I can't change.

00:23:39.000 Give me three steps to get the fuck out of here.

00:23:41.000 Every fucking song was like, I gotta get out of here.

00:23:45.000 See ya.

00:23:45.000 Take care.

00:23:47.000 Right.

00:23:47.000 They even made songs about their friends trying to get them to settle down.

00:23:52.000 Well, it was classic blues.

00:23:54.000 Ugly, getting away from women, being at the crossroads, and a lot of it is about the devil.

00:24:01.000 There's just so many knuckleheads that love Skynyrd.

00:24:04.000 That's the problem.

00:24:05.000 That's the problem.

00:24:06.000 The problem is they died young, okay?

00:24:10.000 And you have an issue when you have so many knuckleheads like a band.

00:24:14.000 You can get delusional, oh, that's for knuckleheads.

00:24:17.000 No, no, no, no, it's not.

00:24:18.000 Like The Grateful Dead.

00:24:18.000 I actually like The Grateful Dead.

00:24:20.000 The Grateful Dead don't do it for me.

00:24:22.000 Their fans, they're a buzzkill.

00:24:24.000 My cousin followed them around for years, was a deadhead.

00:24:28.000 She?

00:24:29.000 Yeah, her and her boyfriend would sell food.

00:24:32.000 I was just going to say, they always have a little business that keeps them going.

00:24:35.000 Yeah, and just go from show to show.

00:24:38.000 I guess they were just enjoying that community.

00:24:40.000 It must be very strange to be an outlaw like that, just a rebel from society, going from concert to concert with a little tiny mini ecosystem of selling scrambled eggs out of the back of your car.

00:24:50.000 Right.

00:24:51.000 Meeting with all these people and all fucking tripping together.

00:24:54.000 And always trying to get a ticket.

00:24:55.000 They would have signs up, I need a miracle.

00:24:58.000 Oh, wow.

00:24:59.000 That was the sign that you were a real deadhead, not just some douche.

00:25:02.000 I need a miracle.

00:25:03.000 And then they'd get them and, you know, it was just like living from vegan tofu patty, just making enough to get that fucking ticket.

00:25:13.000 It's so weird.

00:25:15.000 But I get it.

00:25:16.000 I get it.

00:25:17.000 Totally get it.

00:25:18.000 You know what I get?

00:25:18.000 I get there's a lot of people doing it and it looks like fun.

00:25:21.000 Mm-hmm.

00:25:21.000 I get that it's like, well, this is like an ecosystem.

00:25:24.000 This is like a little community that you can link up to.

00:25:27.000 And these guys actually like it.

00:25:28.000 Like, you know, it's like everybody's happy and they all meet together and they perform these four fucking hour shows and everyone's on acid.

00:25:36.000 The dancing.

00:25:37.000 I mean, I'm telling you, Springsteen is a fucking experience live.

00:25:42.000 I heard you two is, but a Grateful Dead concert.

00:25:46.000 I mean, first of all, you're tripping.

00:25:48.000 Every single person is dancing, not bouncing back and forth, fucking doing the backstroke and looking at the sky like that is really intense to be surrounded by that for four hours.

00:26:01.000 So is that what it's all about?

00:26:02.000 Yeah, it's this letting go into this energy.

00:26:05.000 Is it a show that requires drugs?

00:26:09.000 Yes.

00:26:10.000 Yeah.

00:26:10.000 Yes.

00:26:11.000 It does.

00:26:11.000 Yeah.

00:26:11.000 And is it a show that you don't understand until you do it with drugs?

00:26:14.000 And then you understand it 100%.

00:26:17.000 Like, you ever...

00:26:18.000 The worst feeling in the world...

00:26:19.000 Strong words.

00:26:20.000 You ever go to a concert...

00:26:21.000 Like, my wife made me go to fucking...

00:26:23.000 Those are always bad stories.

00:26:25.000 Dave Matthews' band.

00:26:26.000 Oh, God, son.

00:26:27.000 That's an ugly one.

00:26:28.000 And the worst thing...

00:26:29.000 My wife made me go to...

00:26:30.000 It's always bad.

00:26:32.000 I shouldn't say it like that.

00:26:33.000 The only thing worse than Dave Matthews is John Mayer.

00:26:36.000 If your wife made you go to a John Mayer concert.

00:26:38.000 John Mayer?

00:26:39.000 John Mayer.

00:26:40.000 And she was just enthralled by him.

00:26:44.000 I could do John Mayer.

00:26:46.000 No, I could do too.

00:26:46.000 I think he's great.

00:26:47.000 I think he's very talented.

00:26:48.000 But if your wife is really into going, she drags you there and just stares at him.

00:26:53.000 Right.

00:26:55.000 And you're like, I paid for this ticket?

00:26:57.000 You paid to have your wife close her eyes later and think about him.

00:27:01.000 You notice she's not clapping because one of her hands slipped down her jeans.

00:27:06.000 She's just knuckled deep.

00:27:08.000 Oh, Dave Matthews, he's so sensitive!

00:27:12.000 She's clapping with one hand.

00:27:14.000 It sounds like someone's stabbing a seal.

00:27:21.000 It sounds like one of those martial arts movies where they rip the guy's heart out after killing him.

00:27:28.000 She's just fisting herself.

00:27:30.000 She's all the way to her elbow, just gritting her teeth and pounding it in there.

00:27:33.000 She got the wedding ring off.

00:27:34.000 She's just fucking strafing the...

00:27:37.000 You can see her ribcage expand as her fist goes up there.

00:27:44.000 John Mayer, I fucking love you!

00:27:49.000 Okay, let's go.

00:27:51.000 Then you realize it's in her asshole.

00:27:55.000 You thought it was bad.

00:27:58.000 It's all fucking shit up to her elbow.

00:28:00.000 You're like, what is this?

00:28:03.000 What the fuck are you doing?

00:28:04.000 I thought we were going to see a concert.

00:28:06.000 She starts licking her arm.

00:28:10.000 Oh, John, man.

00:28:11.000 Oh, John.

00:28:12.000 Oh, you make me eat my shit.

00:28:14.000 Oh.

00:28:17.000 Meanwhile, that's not the craziest person that ever lived.

00:28:20.000 Nope.

00:28:20.000 That's not even close.

00:28:21.000 Nope.

00:28:22.000 It's not even close.

00:28:22.000 If you work in an insane asylum, that's all they do is clean shit up off the walls.

00:28:26.000 It's all about feces in the mental institutions.

00:28:29.000 Yeah, what is that?

00:28:30.000 They say that has something to do with abuse.

00:28:31.000 I think it's territorial.

00:28:32.000 Is it really?

00:28:33.000 Oh, I didn't hear that.

00:28:34.000 I've heard a lot.

00:28:36.000 There's a lot of connections between feces abuse and sexual abuse.

00:28:40.000 Right.

00:28:41.000 Read that, though, online.

00:28:42.000 Obviously, I'm not a doctor.

00:28:44.000 I know.

00:28:44.000 When I think about the 70s and I take a shit, I cry.

00:28:47.000 When you think about the 70s and you take a shit.

00:28:50.000 Yeah, because I was molested in the 70s.

00:28:52.000 Were you?

00:28:53.000 No, we were just making that joke before, remember?

00:28:56.000 Yeah, it wasn't that good.

00:28:57.000 I thought we were bending that.

00:28:59.000 You thought that would be edited out.

00:29:01.000 I thought we were figuring out a way to move past that.

00:29:04.000 Do you guys know a band named One Direction?

00:29:06.000 Oh.

00:29:07.000 No.

00:29:07.000 Yes.

00:29:08.000 It's a kid's band.

00:29:10.000 Like if Tiger Beat had a cover story.

00:29:12.000 Oh, look at these cute little bastards.

00:29:14.000 Yeah.

00:29:14.000 But I guess they're staying at the hotel across the street from the comedy store.

00:29:17.000 There's all these little kids that are just hanging out there late at night just like in groups like an Apple product's about to get released at midnight type shit.

00:29:25.000 Oh, wow.

00:29:25.000 And they're just mobbed.

00:29:27.000 Everywhere.

00:29:28.000 How fucked up is that?

00:29:29.000 Is these guys, you know, they're trying to make them look like they're 17, but they're probably 25, right?

00:29:35.000 I think.

00:29:36.000 Or whatever.

00:29:36.000 Let's find out.

00:29:37.000 Even if they're 21, the fans are 11 to 13, 14, and they want to fuck you, or they don't know what they want.

00:29:47.000 They want to let you do what you want with them.

00:29:49.000 Right.

00:29:50.000 So I always wonder if these guys are like looking for that one older sister who's into it longer than she should be and she's like 17, 18 and you want to pluck her out.

00:29:59.000 Because otherwise it's a nightmare.

00:30:01.000 All these people are screaming for you and you can't go near them.

00:30:04.000 Do you think the girls actually want them to do what they want to them?

00:30:08.000 I think they have no idea what the fuck they want.

00:30:11.000 I think they want to hug them or something.

00:30:13.000 You're talking about an 11 year old.

00:30:16.000 I think they don't even realize what a guy liking you means.

00:30:21.000 Yeah, but some of them are dressed like dirty whores.

00:30:23.000 They're like 13, but they...

00:30:25.000 Maybe 13. Then you start kind of figuring it out.

00:30:29.000 But at 11?

00:30:30.000 How many kids at 11 know what's going on?

00:30:33.000 What if your wife, though, like it was the opposite.

00:30:35.000 What if your wife was in love with Justin Bieber?

00:30:37.000 Like, just a huge Bieber fan.

00:30:40.000 Because there was parents that were hanging out with these kids, and they were all like...

00:30:44.000 With the t-shirts on, like, freaking out awesome.

00:30:46.000 It was just as creepy.

00:30:48.000 Yeah, well, it makes sense.

00:30:50.000 I mean, he's a handsome bastard, that Justin Bieber.

00:30:53.000 Justin Bieber?

00:30:53.000 He's cute.

00:30:54.000 Just adorable.

00:30:55.000 And he never breaks character.

00:30:56.000 He's always that fucking positive guy.

00:30:59.000 But now you hear he's starting to fuck up.

00:31:02.000 He pissed in a janitor's bucket behind a nightclub.

00:31:07.000 I think the pressure that dude must be under must be staggering.

00:31:12.000 Staggering.

00:31:12.000 Since he was, what, 12?

00:31:14.000 Six, yeah.

00:31:14.000 So he never had a chance to develop in any normal way.

00:31:18.000 Yeah.

00:31:18.000 For him, the struggle is going to be so strange.

00:31:22.000 And you know who gave me some insight into that is Ricky Schroeder.

00:31:26.000 Ricky Schroeder was famous when he was like six.

00:31:29.000 He was in that movie The Champ.

00:31:31.000 I think he was like six or seven or something like that.

00:31:33.000 I think he got nominated for an Oscar.

00:31:34.000 Dude, he fucking deserved it.

00:31:36.000 He was amazing in that.

00:31:38.000 But the way he describes it when he did the podcast, he talked about it.

00:31:41.000 He's like, that's my world.

00:31:42.000 I've never known another world.

00:31:44.000 I've never known a time where I wasn't famous.

00:31:46.000 So it's normal to me.

00:31:47.000 And I go, oh, all right.

00:31:49.000 What an interesting way to grow.

00:31:52.000 Is Justin Bieber about to kick some ass?

00:31:53.000 Is that what's going on here?

00:31:54.000 Excuse me.

00:31:56.000 Who's he going after?

00:31:58.000 A reporter.

00:31:59.000 A reporter?

00:32:00.000 Yeah.

00:32:01.000 Well, that seems like it could have been handled a little better.

00:32:06.000 But there's a lot of big actors to start as child actors, you know, like Tom Cruise and...

00:32:12.000 What's his name?

00:32:13.000 Leonardo DiCaprio.

00:32:15.000 You know, he was probably 11 when he started.

00:32:18.000 Yeah.

00:32:19.000 And I think in a way, maybe you can't stay at the level that a Tom Cruise does unless you just were indoctrinated into it early.

00:32:27.000 And it's all you know.

00:32:28.000 Maybe.

00:32:29.000 But there's some that seem to have gotten through it.

00:32:32.000 I don't know.

00:32:32.000 I've never had a conversation with Jodie Foster, but she always strikes me as someone who got through it fairly unscathed.

00:32:37.000 She's a lesbian.

00:32:38.000 Yeah.

00:32:39.000 Is that what it is?

00:32:39.000 That made it easier?

00:32:41.000 That's a better transition?

00:32:42.000 No.

00:32:43.000 I think that being a lesbian makes you...

00:32:46.000 From the lesbians I've known, and I've known some really well.

00:32:49.000 I worked for Ellen DeGeneres for two years.

00:32:52.000 And I think that it makes you an outlier.

00:32:55.000 You're born into being an outlier.

00:32:57.000 You're already thinking about things knowing you don't need people's approval because you're not going to get it categorically.

00:33:04.000 So you stop seeking it.

00:33:06.000 That's interesting.

00:33:08.000 You know, because...

00:33:10.000 One of the things that I always admire about talking to fun lesbians is how they're very much like guys.

00:33:17.000 Oh yeah!

00:33:18.000 The way they'll make jokes and the way they don't give a fuck.

00:33:21.000 Like Melissa Etheridge, she's like a dude.

00:33:24.000 And I say that in the nicest way possible, the broadest sense of the compliment.

00:33:28.000 She was talking about divorce and alimony and stuff like that.

00:33:32.000 And she goes, hey, look, the bottom line is women are fucking crazy.

00:33:35.000 Yeah.

00:33:38.000 She's just talking about getting divorced, and she's talking like a dude.

00:33:42.000 You know what I mean?

00:33:43.000 And I don't mean all women are crazy.

00:33:45.000 Some of them are great.

00:33:46.000 But the lesbians are less crazy.

00:33:48.000 But lesbians are more like dudes.

00:33:50.000 Right.

00:33:52.000 Anybody who doesn't believe that that is a natural part of the...

00:33:56.000 The broad spectrum of sexual attraction is a natural part of life.

00:34:01.000 It's never met like a badass lesbian.

00:34:04.000 You never met like a Melissa Etheridge.

00:34:06.000 If you met a Melissa Etheridge, you'd be like, oh yeah.

00:34:09.000 Oh yeah, that's a lesbian.

00:34:11.000 We have so many same-sex parents in my kids' school.

00:34:15.000 It's crazy.

00:34:17.000 They have absolutely no concept that two gay people shouldn't be together anymore than...

00:34:23.000 Like, when they heard about that the Supreme Court overruled that same-sex marriage act, they were, like, clapping in the back of the car.

00:34:31.000 Wow.

00:34:32.000 They're just like, why would two...

00:34:34.000 Like, Jeremy's parents...

00:34:36.000 You know, Evan's mother's...

00:34:38.000 Like, it's just fucking normal.

00:34:40.000 Yeah, it's...

00:34:41.000 You know, people have this idea, somehow or another, that there's...

00:34:46.000 There's different teams.

00:34:47.000 There's a conservative team against the liberal team.

00:34:52.000 Really what you should look at.

00:34:54.000 It's the simplest way.

00:34:55.000 Simplest way is, does it hurt you?

00:34:58.000 And if it doesn't, support it.

00:35:00.000 Do these people enjoy it?

00:35:03.000 Well, they'll support it.

00:35:04.000 The idea that you would restrict people's behavior that they enjoy because for some reason it's distasteful to you, that's just being an asshole.

00:35:13.000 That's all that is.

00:35:14.000 Do you think abortion falls under that category?

00:35:17.000 Abortion gets tricky because you're dealing with human life.

00:35:20.000 And it's also tricky because it's one of those clear pattern decision things.

00:35:25.000 Like if you're a right-wing person, you are pro-life.

00:35:28.000 If you're a left-wing person, you are pro-choice.

00:35:31.000 It's almost like cut and dry.

00:35:33.000 Like you have to adopt these opinions to be one side or another.

00:35:37.000 I think I have no business to tell anybody what they can and can't do with their body.

00:35:42.000 I have no business.

00:35:43.000 I'm not a doctor.

00:35:44.000 I don't know when life begins.

00:35:45.000 But you look at a couple cells together and then you look at a forming fetus, they become very different things as it becomes larger and older.

00:35:56.000 So then it starts to be, when has it become life?

00:36:00.000 And I think that's a real question.

00:36:01.000 And I don't think it's a left-wing question or a right-wing question.

00:36:05.000 It's a question people aren't asking in a real way.

00:36:07.000 Exactly.

00:36:08.000 It's an honesty question, and it's a question that we avoid in this discussion.

00:36:13.000 It's either if you're a left-wing person, you are pro-choice, and you want women to be able to do this safely, and you want it to be where they don't have to worry about being harassed in the parking lot.

00:36:24.000 And if you're a right-wing person, oftentimes the view is the polar opposite.

00:36:27.000 That you're taking a human life, it's against the Bible.

00:36:30.000 If you're, you know, a Christian especially, there's a lot of people that believe this is a terrible, terrible thing.

00:36:36.000 So terrible that there's the extremists, when you get on their spectrum, the extremists that shoot the fucking abortion doctors.

00:36:43.000 Which is totally logical to me, and I understand it.

00:36:46.000 If I believe that absolutely, that human lives are being taken...

00:36:52.000 Mm-hmm.

00:36:52.000 It would be the same to me as if I knew that there was a guy that was going to work every day and they were killing people.

00:36:59.000 I would kill that person.

00:37:01.000 I would be within my moral authority, not by the United States law, but I'd feel the same way if somebody hurt someone in my family, rape or murder, I would get a gun and I would go find that person or I would arrange to have them killed.

00:37:14.000 And I would feel like that wasn't wrong of me to do that if I was absolutely sure it was them.

00:37:20.000 Right.

00:37:20.000 But in terms of when a life begins, do you remember Jonathan Katz's joke?

00:37:24.000 He goes, I believe life begins after the second cup of coffee.

00:37:31.000 Jonathan Katz was awesome.

00:37:34.000 Well, yeah, it's a real question.

00:37:36.000 And if you bring it up like that, I had a discussion with this guy that I really kind of respected.

00:37:41.000 I don't want to say his name, but it was the most preposterous discussion on the idea that it's just a seed and that having an abortion is just a seed.

00:37:52.000 Like, it's not just a seed.

00:37:54.000 It's a growing thing.

00:37:55.000 Like, if you leave it alone, it's going to be a person.

00:37:57.000 We both know that.

00:37:58.000 Like, we can't play games with this.

00:37:59.000 And then he started accusing me of being right-wing, like, immediately.

00:38:02.000 And I was like, okay, I'm not right-wing at all.

00:38:05.000 But you're saying, you're equating it to a seed.

00:38:08.000 It's not a seed.

00:38:09.000 Like, a fetus, something growing inside your body, will be a human.

00:38:13.000 A seed does not necessarily become a tree.

00:38:16.000 Okay, you have to fucking plant it, you gotta water it, then it becomes a sapling, and then it's on its way.

00:38:20.000 And if it gets the moisture, then it becomes a tree.

00:38:24.000 But a seed can just sit around for a long time.

00:38:26.000 Once you have a baby that's started to grow, then the ethical process begins, the ethical question process.

00:38:33.000 When is it a person?

00:38:34.000 Is it a person a day in, when it's two cells, or three cells, or a hundred cells, whatever the fuck it is?

00:38:39.000 Is it really?

00:38:40.000 Are you sure?

00:38:41.000 Like, if I just pull that out of there real quick, aren't we good?

00:38:44.000 Yeah, the discussion seems to me off, it's off point, because it really is like, very logically, it is the second that becomes two cells.

00:38:56.000 And anything in between that and birth is life.

00:39:00.000 Yeah.

00:39:00.000 Then the question really is about when is it less of a bad thing?

00:39:06.000 Is it sooner?

00:39:08.000 You know, because to me it feels like to say, well, once it has eyes or to say once it starts to delineate limbs, then you start to go like, well, now you're splitting hairs.

00:39:18.000 I mean, either you are stopping, you know, an entity from fully forming or you're not.

00:39:25.000 And It doesn't matter how far down the line it is.

00:39:28.000 And this isn't to say I'm against abortion, but like I do a joke about it now where I say, you know, women are, like first I ask the women, how many women are pro-choice?

00:39:38.000 They all clap.

00:39:39.000 How many of you have had abortions?

00:39:41.000 Nobody claps.

00:39:42.000 I go, there's the problem with your fucking cause.

00:39:45.000 How are you going to really fight for a cause you won't admit that you actually do?

00:39:49.000 I said, you should be proud of it.

00:39:51.000 You should see those silhouettes of the family members on the back of your minivan with just an X through one of them and says, not a good time.

00:39:59.000 You did that in San Francisco.

00:40:01.000 To me, it feels like that might come off as anti-abortion, but it's not.

00:40:07.000 It's anti-put-your-head-in-the-sand.

00:40:09.000 It's like, own it.

00:40:10.000 If you're going to fucking do it, Own it the same way that I would own masturbation if you tried to make it illegal.

00:40:17.000 I'd be like, fuck you.

00:40:18.000 I may be ashamed of this, but I'm fighting for my right to have it.

00:40:21.000 I can see the cover of the article they're writing on Jezebel right now.

00:40:24.000 Emmy Award winning writer connects masturbation with abortion.

00:40:32.000 Look, we're all ashamed, ladies.

00:40:34.000 We're both cleaning up afterwards.

00:40:36.000 Oh, God.

00:40:37.000 How dare you.

00:40:39.000 This is where women who are really militant will get furious.

00:40:42.000 Like, you know, you can never fucking have a conversation about it because the option isn't available to you.

00:40:48.000 You're not going to have a fucking body growing inside of your body, and you're not going to be the person who gives birth.

00:40:53.000 And my answer would be, I've never dropped seed in a chick without protection, dummy.

00:40:58.000 How'd you get pregnant?

00:40:59.000 Oh, how dare you.

00:41:00.000 How dare you yell at someone so vulnerable and confused.

00:41:05.000 In the middle of a crisis.

00:41:07.000 You're exploding on a stranger.

00:41:09.000 I know, I have to be gentle.

00:41:10.000 You don't meet her with love?

00:41:11.000 I have to be gentle.

00:41:12.000 Meet her with love.

00:41:13.000 It's hard to do, but sometimes it's what we need to do to fix the world.

00:41:17.000 You can never say, why didn't you just about the past and have it sound good.

00:41:22.000 Why didn't you just get your shit together?

00:41:24.000 Oh, I'm sorry.

00:41:25.000 Why didn't you just call me?

00:41:27.000 Because I was fucking suicidal.

00:41:29.000 I don't want to talk to anybody.

00:41:31.000 You're not allowed to say that.

00:41:33.000 That was dark.

00:41:34.000 If you say suicidal around people, that's the best way to get the party stopped.

00:41:38.000 Right.

00:41:39.000 Everyone's having a good time.

00:41:40.000 Well, ever since I've been suicidal.

00:41:43.000 Cricket.

00:41:44.000 No, no, no.

00:41:47.000 Nobody wants to be around somebody who wants to end life on their own terms.

00:41:50.000 For some reason that's very disturbing to us.

00:41:53.000 Yeah.

00:41:54.000 Most likely, because if you're looking to kill yourself, what do you give a shit if I die too?

00:41:58.000 How do I know you're not going to suicide bomb yourself?

00:42:01.000 Right.

00:42:02.000 Did you watch that show?

00:42:05.000 Fuck, the Patriot show.

00:42:08.000 Patriot Steelers?

00:42:09.000 The one on, no, not Patriot.

00:42:11.000 The one, the fucking...

00:42:12.000 The one with Tom Clancy?

00:42:14.000 Homeland.

00:42:14.000 Yeah, I've seen every episode.

00:42:16.000 Fascinating fucking show.

00:42:18.000 Fuck yeah.

00:42:20.000 Spoiler alert, but the suicide vest scene?

00:42:23.000 Yeah.

00:42:24.000 Holy shit.

00:42:25.000 That's an Emmy Award winning performance right there.

00:42:27.000 Holy shit.

00:42:28.000 I don't want to say anything more than that.

00:42:30.000 You're about to watch one of the best actors out there.

00:42:34.000 Holy shit, what a scene.

00:42:36.000 I mean, the cast on that show, Mandy Patinkin, I'd always heard his name, but I thought he was like some theater guy.

00:42:41.000 He's not.

00:42:43.000 He's a fucking...

00:42:44.000 Well, he's that, too.

00:42:45.000 I know!

00:42:46.000 But that made me think that he was just like, for lack of a better word, a homosexual.

00:42:54.000 Oh, hey!

00:42:55.000 Easy over here!

00:42:56.000 Which isn't bad.

00:42:57.000 I just meant I dismissed him as a cabaret singer.

00:43:00.000 Oh, I see.

00:43:00.000 And I didn't realize he was a brilliant fucking actor.

00:43:05.000 Yeah, Manny Patinkin's a beast, man.

00:43:08.000 Damn!

00:43:08.000 He's a beast.

00:43:09.000 He was also in The Princess Bride.

00:43:12.000 He was in Ego Montoya.

00:43:13.000 Right, right.

00:43:13.000 You killed my father.

00:43:14.000 Prepare to die.

00:43:15.000 He was a bad motherfucker.

00:43:17.000 Manny Patinkin's been a bad motherfucker for a long time.

00:43:19.000 He's a brilliant actor.

00:43:21.000 And he plays that character just...

00:43:23.000 It's just a work of art.

00:43:25.000 It is.

00:43:25.000 It's a work of art.

00:43:26.000 I mean, the subtlety in his delivery and the real moments when he actually gets upset, the tangible feeling that you have when this really measured guy has to cut loose and get crazy.

00:43:39.000 Fuck, what a show.

00:43:40.000 And, you know, you talk about characters being layered.

00:43:43.000 It's like there's so many different things going on with him between his troubled marriage, his relationship with Claire Dane, which he knows is wrong, and yet he believes in her, and he's a company man in the end.

00:43:55.000 Yeah.

00:43:56.000 There's so many different things going on with him, and he plays all of them at the same time.

00:44:00.000 Yeah, it's so hard to believe that, I mean, and again, spoiler alert, I'm not going to say anything, but it's so hard to believe the plot lines they've pulled off.

00:44:08.000 Like, the idea that they put forth, that they're actually playing that out, and that I'm not running away from the TV going, get the fuck out of here.

00:44:16.000 Like, they haven't had me go get the fuck out of here once.

00:44:19.000 Well, I felt 24 was like that.

00:44:22.000 24, you had to suspend your disbelief a little bit more because it was a little bit more of action.

00:44:27.000 It was physical action more.

00:44:29.000 But it was the same kind of storylines.

00:44:31.000 Shit that you would really go like...

00:44:33.000 And that's why I love that genre.

00:44:36.000 I love Bourne supremacy.

00:44:37.000 I like it when you gotta go like, yeah, they're not riding a motorcycle across the roof.

00:44:41.000 But fuck, man.

00:44:42.000 This is great.

00:44:43.000 It's fun to watch.

00:44:44.000 Yeah.

00:44:45.000 I mean, even if it's preposterous.

00:44:46.000 The Bourne identity one.

00:44:48.000 What's the latest one?

00:44:49.000 I don't know.

00:44:50.000 The latest one is the one that's not Matt Damon.

00:44:53.000 It's the other guy.

00:44:54.000 Oh, I didn't see that one.

00:44:55.000 It's the new guy.

00:44:56.000 Jeremy Renner?

00:44:57.000 Jeremy Renner.

00:44:58.000 Yeah, that's his name.

00:44:59.000 And he's jumping off top of buildings and landing on people's necks, twisting them on the way down.

00:45:05.000 I mean, it's the most ridiculous shit of all time.

00:45:08.000 He's like the greatest Olympic athlete the world has ever known.

00:45:11.000 This new guy.

00:45:12.000 Yes, yes.

00:45:13.000 Is it like parkour kind of stuff?

00:45:15.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:45:16.000 Anything.

00:45:16.000 Everything.

00:45:17.000 He does whatever.

00:45:17.000 He flies through the air.

00:45:18.000 He's like Spider-Man.

00:45:19.000 I mean, it's preposterous.

00:45:20.000 Like, the way he can move his body.

00:45:22.000 More than Matt Damon.

00:45:22.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:45:23.000 He's the hyper-level version of it.

00:45:25.000 They kicked it up a couple times.

00:45:26.000 So it's more like Bond?

00:45:27.000 Yeah.

00:45:28.000 No, no.

00:45:28.000 He's more like a superhero.

00:45:30.000 What he can do with his body is ridiculous.

00:45:33.000 He literally could jump off buildings and land on people's heads, catch himself in buildings on the way down, drop on their head and snap them and fucking flip over.

00:45:40.000 Do a flip over a speeding Ferrari that's coming at him.

00:45:43.000 Duck under this arm.

00:45:44.000 Grab that gun.

00:45:45.000 Turn it towards him.

00:45:45.000 Don't kill everybody in front of him.

00:45:47.000 Flip over him when the car's coming at him.

00:45:49.000 I mean, it's just...

00:45:50.000 And always, like, you know, have your leg broken and in the next scene chase somebody down.

00:45:54.000 That's always my favorite.

00:45:55.000 I'm always keeping track of how injured.

00:45:57.000 Because at my age, like, I get injured just getting up, taking a shit.

00:46:01.000 I can get injured.

00:46:02.000 And I'm watching this guy.

00:46:04.000 Well, you know, finger must be broken from that.

00:46:06.000 I got gouged out from that.

00:46:07.000 And he's still at the top of his game in the last scene.

00:46:10.000 Yeah, they heal well in those shows.

00:46:12.000 They always get that streak of blood that comes off the eyebrow.

00:46:15.000 That's a big one.

00:46:16.000 You know what the key is, is the acting.

00:46:20.000 I mean, Matt Damon is just a guy.

00:46:22.000 He can do comedy, drama, romance.

00:46:24.000 He's fucking unbelievable.

00:46:26.000 He's a beast.

00:46:27.000 And so you put him into a role like that, and he raises the stakes of you believing in it.

00:46:32.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:46:33.000 Well, he was so good that he played Liberace's lover, and you believe that.

00:46:37.000 Oh, my God.

00:46:38.000 You know?

00:46:38.000 Yeah.

00:46:39.000 I mean, Matt Damon's a bad motherfucker.

00:46:40.000 Right.

00:46:41.000 And this, Elysius, is that what it's called?

00:46:42.000 The new futuristic movie?

00:46:44.000 Elysium?

00:46:45.000 Elysium.

00:46:46.000 Elysium.

00:46:47.000 That looks awesome.

00:46:48.000 Yeah.

00:46:48.000 I don't know what that is.

00:46:50.000 I don't know if it's good, but it looks amazing.

00:46:52.000 Well, he's one of those few actors where, you know, some of these guys get paid $20, $25 million a picture and you think that's not worth it.

00:46:57.000 There's very few people that I will go see.

00:47:00.000 Like, fucking don't need to read a review of the movie.

00:47:03.000 Don't care who the director is.

00:47:04.000 Matt Damon's in it.

00:47:05.000 I will go see it.

00:47:06.000 Yeah, he always makes a good choice.

00:47:08.000 Right.

00:47:08.000 The movies are always, there's always something really good about the movie.

00:47:11.000 Yeah.

00:47:11.000 What was the one movie where he played a complete, total liar?

00:47:15.000 Oh, about, he was flying around a lot, right?

00:47:21.000 The Curious Life of...

00:47:23.000 Oh, right.

00:47:23.000 What the fuck was that?

00:47:24.000 Oh, goddammit, now I gotta go to his IMDB, which I never liked to do.

00:47:29.000 That was badass.

00:47:30.000 I went to your IMDB, man.

00:47:32.000 Really not impressed.

00:47:34.000 Who's?

00:47:35.000 That's what people like to say.

00:47:36.000 Oh, right.

00:47:36.000 I know.

00:47:37.000 That's a Hollywood douche thing.

00:47:39.000 Yeah, I've been to your IMDB, bro.

00:47:40.000 Not only that, IMDB has a star ranking.

00:47:43.000 Here is the most grotesque Hollywood sign.

00:47:46.000 You can pay extra.

00:47:48.000 You pay an extra $10 a month for IMDB Pro.

00:47:51.000 And I can look up Joe Rogan, and you will be numbered from $1 to $10 million in Hollywood based on the amount of searches for your name...

00:48:03.000 You know, time spent on your website.

00:48:05.000 It's all factored in and you get around, like usually, you know, like Matt Damon might be number three and I might be like number 46,000 or something.

00:48:15.000 Right.

00:48:15.000 So I know there's 46,000 people higher up in the food chain in Hollywood than I am.

00:48:21.000 And you can look up any, you have a meeting with somebody, you can look up what their fucking ranking is in Hollywood.

00:48:26.000 That's so ridiculous.

00:48:27.000 That's just something that people would get caught up in and then it would wind up becoming really gross.

00:48:33.000 Right.

00:48:33.000 You'd just get caught up in it and lose your fucking marbles.

00:48:36.000 Hire a marketing team to search you so you go up in the rankings?

00:48:39.000 I need to get my public internet profile higher in the rankings.

00:48:45.000 It's very important.

00:48:47.000 I can't find the name of this fucking movie.

00:48:48.000 What's so crazy is like with...

00:48:52.000 With Twitter, there's times where I go through tweets, I stumble on something that makes me laugh, and I'll write out five, six, seven tweets in 20 minutes.

00:49:02.000 And then I won't tweet for five days.

00:49:04.000 And then I'll see the number of people that follows you will jump when you write tweets, and then it doesn't at all when you don't.

00:49:12.000 So you realize it's great that people really are reading that shit.

00:49:18.000 Oh yeah, man.

00:49:18.000 If you're interesting to follow, people send you interesting things as well.

00:49:24.000 One of the beautiful things about Twitter is that it's like an exchange.

00:49:27.000 I retweet a lot of shit, and I retweet things that people send me that are interesting.

00:49:32.000 Someone will send me some crazy story about some new scientific discovery, and then I'll immediately retweet that.

00:49:37.000 And so it encourages people to do that because they like being retweeted because they get more followers that way.

00:49:42.000 And if you have cool shit on your Twitter page, people who have no show business connections at all, they just have developed a following, have significant numbers of Twitter followers just based on their own input on things.

00:49:56.000 Yeah, someone finds out about it.

00:49:58.000 Or you tweet something to someone famous and they retweet it.

00:50:01.000 Someone finds out about it.

00:50:01.000 And then before you know it, you have this little community that you've developed.

00:50:04.000 Well, writers on TV are getting jobs from Twitter feeds more than Specscript.

00:50:11.000 That's amazing.

00:50:12.000 You hear about it all the time.

00:50:14.000 This dude, he went to Colorado State University and he just used to tweet a lot.

00:50:22.000 And then he just gets fucking...

00:50:24.000 They solicit him.

00:50:26.000 You know, a guy will have 200,000 followers and they'll say, do you want to write on How I Met Your Mother?

00:50:32.000 And the guy does it and then he kills himself.

00:50:34.000 That's amazing.

00:50:36.000 Can you imagine writing on How I Met Your Mother, one of those shows?

00:50:40.000 Sitting in a room with 12 other people, fighting to get one line into a horrible script.

00:50:46.000 But folks don't know that everyone's like, yeah, it must be really fucking hard working on TV. Must be terrible.

00:50:53.000 Excuse me while I go to the coal mine.

00:50:55.000 Right.

00:50:55.000 That's obviously worse.

00:50:56.000 Right.

00:50:57.000 But it doesn't take away from the fact that being on a show that sucks is torture.

00:51:02.000 Right.

00:51:02.000 Well, and I only say that because as comedians, we get to say whatever the fuck we want.

00:51:07.000 We can get immediate feedback.

00:51:09.000 Nobody's giving us notes or criticism.

00:51:12.000 And then you take that and you have an office, and then some PA will come by and go, okay, everybody in the writer's room, and you have to stand up and walk in and sit down and stay in there for the four hours until they go, okay, you guys can have lunch.

00:51:27.000 It's just your whole life turns upside down.

00:51:30.000 Yeah.

00:51:31.000 And again, this isn't to complain about it.

00:51:33.000 I'm just saying compared to stand-up.

00:51:35.000 Yeah.

00:51:35.000 Oh, yeah.

00:51:36.000 Stand-up is the greatest job the world has ever known.

00:51:38.000 An hour a night.

00:51:39.000 Yeah, and just writing during the day, and usually it's fun.

00:51:44.000 Even the stuff you're like, God, I gotta write.

00:51:46.000 When you start writing and it clicks, that's a fun feeling.

00:51:49.000 It's really fun.

00:51:50.000 And the excitement of then knowing, like you're driving to the club and you got like three pages of new shit.

00:51:56.000 Yeah, you got like a little bomb that you know you can drop.

00:51:58.000 That's a great feeling.

00:52:00.000 It's so fun.

00:52:01.000 And it's also, people love that feeling.

00:52:05.000 I love that feeling of laughing at someone.

00:52:08.000 Like, I'm still a huge fan of stand-up.

00:52:11.000 Like, one of my favorite things to do is to go watch stand-up.

00:52:13.000 That's one of the reasons why it was really fun, those dates that you and I did together.

00:52:16.000 I got to watch you and laugh, and I hadn't seen a lot of your stuff in a while.

00:52:19.000 It was really fun.

00:52:21.000 Yeah, yeah, that was great.

00:52:22.000 Stand-up is just a beautiful exchange.

00:52:26.000 I was just at the Montreal Comedy Festival.

00:52:27.000 I saw all these dudes that I'd heard about and hadn't seen for whatever reason.

00:52:32.000 Because we're on the road at the same time.

00:52:34.000 But you know Kyle Kinane?

00:52:36.000 I don't know him.

00:52:37.000 I know who he is.

00:52:38.000 Same thing.

00:52:39.000 I hadn't seen him.

00:52:39.000 And he was fucking great!

00:52:41.000 Like a Stanhope kind of guy.

00:52:44.000 You know, a boozer who talks really honestly about the darkness of his life, but has the chops of a real stand-up.

00:52:51.000 Yeah, I've seen him do one set, and it was at the Improv, and it was very funny.

00:52:55.000 But it was a long time ago.

00:52:57.000 It was several years ago.

00:52:59.000 That's hard for him to remember.

00:53:00.000 His Twitter avatar is my cat.

00:53:02.000 It's your cat?

00:53:03.000 What do you mean?

00:53:04.000 Oh, that's funny.

00:53:05.000 You mean the photo?

00:53:06.000 The drawing?

00:53:07.000 Or your actual cat?

00:53:07.000 It's him holding Techie.

00:53:08.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

00:53:10.000 Well, it's tough to beat a cute cat.

00:53:12.000 And then I went and I did a...

00:53:14.000 Something appealing to look at.

00:53:15.000 You know, they have that gala where you've got to go and perform for like 3,000 people and they show it around the world.

00:53:21.000 Oh, yeah.

00:53:22.000 I never did that.

00:53:23.000 And Dane Cook was like, they have a host for it, you know, a celebrity host.

00:53:27.000 And Dane Cook was the host when I was doing it, you know?

00:53:30.000 Right.

00:53:31.000 And usually you draw old people.

00:53:34.000 Because it's like a 7 o'clock show in Montreal.

00:53:36.000 It's like an old Jewish town.

00:53:38.000 And I have fucking choked on my own semen in front of these crowds.

00:53:43.000 And this time it was like Dane's fans and they were young and fucking excited.

00:53:47.000 He went out and killed first and it was all Boston guys.

00:53:50.000 It was Bobby Kelly, me, Gary Gullman, Dane, and Alonzo Bowden and Harlan Williams.

00:53:58.000 Everybody had a great time.

00:54:00.000 It was such a fucking relief.

00:54:02.000 Oh, that's cool.

00:54:03.000 Well, you know, I think that whole old people thing, that's from a different era.

00:54:07.000 I've been hearing that the comedy festivals have skewed younger and younger these days.

00:54:13.000 No, just this one particular show, the gala.

00:54:15.000 It was just because of Danny?

00:54:16.000 Because it's a TV taping.

00:54:17.000 No, I'm saying they do like seven galas during the week, and each night they do one.

00:54:22.000 So the one I was on had a much younger crowd than the other ones during the week.

00:54:26.000 Oh, so they did have ones with a lot of older folks.

00:54:28.000 Because it's a taped TV show, so they buy the tickets way in advance.

00:54:31.000 Oh.

00:54:31.000 Oh, see, because I always felt like the people that had been going to the comedy festival were sort of, there was a lot of like, when we started going, the first time I went I think was 93, and there was still that push to be TV clean.

00:54:48.000 Right.

00:54:48.000 And they were also, like, the gala was only TV clean.

00:54:52.000 So I never got to work it.

00:54:53.000 So I, but from what I would think now is that you see all these clips from the thing and then it's on the internet and then stand-up comedy becomes, like, more and more popular, which I think stand-up comedy is probably At one of its more popular times.

00:55:08.000 If you stop and think about how many really good comedians there are right now, it's unbelievable.

00:55:12.000 That's what blew me away in Montreal.

00:55:13.000 I was like, there's a hundred comics here and they're all fucking good.

00:55:17.000 Yeah, and I would think that it would be a lot of young people that would show up now to these things.

00:55:21.000 I think the other ones, like I did Moon Tower, which is in Austin, Texas, back in April or May, and that was very young.

00:55:28.000 And then you got South by Southwest.

00:55:30.000 I mean, Coachella does a comedy stage.

00:55:33.000 Bumbershoot in Seattle.

00:55:34.000 Chicago has a big one.

00:55:37.000 San Francisco has a sketch fest.

00:55:40.000 You know, there's a million of them.

00:55:42.000 It's hilarious that some of them don't pay the artists.

00:55:45.000 They literally...

00:55:46.000 Montreal pays, which is nice.

00:55:47.000 Yeah, Montreal pays.

00:55:48.000 They've always paid.

00:55:50.000 They paid back in 1993 when I first started doing it.

00:55:52.000 Right.

00:55:53.000 But, like, South by Southwest doesn't give you anything.

00:55:56.000 No, and the only reason I did Moon Tower is I was headlining Cap City in Austin that week.

00:56:00.000 So I was making my headliner money, and I was part of the festival at the same time.

00:56:04.000 Did you do shows before or after your shows at Cap City?

00:56:08.000 I know I would do, you know, 8 o'clock show Thursday to Friday to Saturday, but then after my shows I would go do like midnight shows.

00:56:16.000 But then also the people at the festival with the, you know, the customers, they would have a laminate and they'd go see my show maybe and then they'd see Posehn's show after that.

00:56:27.000 It was part of the whole thing.

00:56:29.000 Wow, that's awesome, man.

00:56:31.000 Sounds like a good time.

00:56:32.000 You should do it, because they do some theater shows, and it is a fucking cool vibe.

00:56:38.000 Stan Hope was there, hung out.

00:56:39.000 Was Stan?

00:56:40.000 No, I'm thinking Tom Rhodes was there.

00:56:42.000 Like, guys, I never fucking see.

00:56:44.000 Right.

00:56:45.000 And the crowds are, I mean, you work, Austin.

00:56:48.000 They're the greatest crowds.

00:56:50.000 Yeah, I was just there, I guess I was there like five or six months ago.

00:56:53.000 You gotta do Moon Tower.

00:56:54.000 I'll do it, if I can.

00:56:56.000 I don't know, I'm so fucking busy these days.

00:56:58.000 Yeah, but this is a rejuvenative week where you chill, you walk away, you've seen some good new comedy, reconnected with some friends, done some good shows.

00:57:08.000 So like a comedian meeting hub.

00:57:11.000 Right.

00:57:11.000 Yeah, that's what Montreal always felt like, that bar.

00:57:15.000 The Delta.

00:57:15.000 The Delta, is that what it's called?

00:57:17.000 Yeah, that bar.

00:57:18.000 That's right.

00:57:18.000 Yeah, that bar has always been, you know...

00:57:21.000 It can be landmines, though, because you never know when you're going to run into that one shitty club owner who's going to be in your face.

00:57:26.000 Or a gay comedian who's drunk and ruthlessly aggressively pursuing you.

00:57:31.000 It's the only time I've ever had a tell.

00:57:32.000 Dom Herrera?

00:57:33.000 No, Dom can kiss me anytime he wants.

00:57:36.000 I don't let him penetrate, but if he wants to kiss me and jerk off, I love him.

00:57:41.000 I'm playing pool with Dom on Sunday.

00:57:43.000 Looking forward to it.

00:57:44.000 I love seeing him.

00:57:45.000 He's awesome.

00:57:46.000 He's somebody I always see at the clubs, too.

00:57:47.000 Like, I'll be at the improv at 1 in the morning, he walks in.

00:57:50.000 Yeah, Dom's legit.

00:57:51.000 To the end, he's a legit stand-up comedian.

00:57:54.000 Always working.

00:57:55.000 Always has a notebook with him.

00:57:56.000 Always got new shit.

00:57:57.000 You know, he's just awesome.

00:57:58.000 And he's got that energy before he goes on, just the way good comics do.

00:58:02.000 Still, not nervous, but jazzed up, hyper-focused.

00:58:06.000 He loves it.

00:58:07.000 And he's always loved it.

00:58:08.000 We've been friends.

00:58:09.000 Dom and I have been friends since 93. I met him in 93 when I did the festival in Montreal.

00:58:15.000 And then we became friends after we ran into each other at Amsterdam Billiards.

00:58:19.000 Oh, yeah?

00:58:20.000 Yeah, because I had just done that show with him, but that was the first time I'd ever met him.

00:58:24.000 And he's the host of it.

00:58:25.000 It was a Showtime thing.

00:58:26.000 And then when we went to play at Amsterdam, I found out he could play pool.

00:58:30.000 David Brenner's club.

00:58:32.000 Yeah, and the old one.

00:58:33.000 Remember the old one that was on the Upper West Side?

00:58:35.000 That one was awesome.

00:58:36.000 Beautiful.

00:58:37.000 So I've been friends with Dom since I guess it was like 93. He's always been that way.

00:58:41.000 He's always been like a real comic.

00:58:42.000 And he's like the Don Gavin of LA. He will talk to any young comic, be funny with them, bust their balls, and treats you with...

00:58:51.000 He says nice things to you.

00:58:52.000 You don't get enough of that.

00:58:53.000 He'll compliment you if you do a new bit that he likes.

00:58:55.000 He's a beautiful person.

00:58:56.000 I love Dom Herrera with all my heart.

00:58:59.000 He's beautiful.

00:58:59.000 I love being around him.

00:59:01.000 He's fucking hilarious.

00:59:02.000 He's a sweet, warm guy.

00:59:04.000 I saw him say the other night, he goes, I'm at the age where if I died of natural causes, people would go, hmm.

00:59:13.000 Another one he said, he said, I wish I was gay just so I could come out of the closet.

00:59:19.000 That's how little I give a fuck.

00:59:23.000 I'm bored.

00:59:24.000 I need something fun to do.

00:59:27.000 He really does not care what people think about him.

00:59:30.000 He's happy with who he is.

00:59:32.000 He's not struggling with that.

00:59:35.000 Plus, he's on Xanax.

00:59:36.000 So he's like, whatever.

00:59:37.000 I don't give a fuck.

00:59:38.000 Well, I know he quit drinking for a little while.

00:59:40.000 I don't know if it lasted.

00:59:41.000 Well, he got a little out of the...

00:59:42.000 He was a little out of control.

00:59:45.000 Yeah.

00:59:45.000 Slightly.

00:59:46.000 But he's smart enough to pull back on his own.

00:59:49.000 And then he resumed casual drinking.

00:59:52.000 Right.

00:59:52.000 But I think...

00:59:54.000 Look, it's easy.

00:59:55.000 You're a single guy.

00:59:56.000 You're in clubs every night.

00:59:58.000 And he's in clubs almost every night.

01:00:00.000 Right.

01:00:00.000 It's easy to start drinking a lot.

01:00:01.000 It's fun.

01:00:02.000 Fucking drinking's fun.

01:00:03.000 You're having a good time.

01:00:04.000 Then you have a couple of shots.

01:00:05.000 Now you're having a great time.

01:00:06.000 Woo-hoo!

01:00:07.000 Woo-hoo!

01:00:07.000 But, you know, the crushing effect that it has on your body over and over and over again, it's really bad for you, man.

01:00:14.000 Right.

01:00:14.000 I miss drinking, man.

01:00:15.000 Fuck.

01:00:16.000 I just had my family stay with me for a week.

01:00:18.000 My sister, her husband, who drinks...

01:00:22.000 And my niece and nephew and my mother all stay in my house with my wife until nine of us.

01:00:28.000 But you know what?

01:00:29.000 And I miss drinking because they would all drink a lot at night.

01:00:33.000 They'd go through bottles and bottles of wine.

01:00:35.000 And my brother-in-law would go through a couple six-pack Budweiser a day.

01:00:40.000 And so you start to really feel it.

01:00:42.000 Like even my wife, who doesn't drink a lot, was drinking every night.

01:00:46.000 So I'm all alone.

01:00:47.000 I'm drinking non-alcoholic beers and I'm playing fucking PlayStation with my kids because I can't relate to...

01:00:52.000 People get fucking dumb and boring when they drink.

01:00:56.000 I'm sorry.

01:00:57.000 It's nice at first, but if you're the sober one, everybody gets emphatic about their point of view and overly zealous about simple thoughts.

01:01:06.000 Uh-huh.

01:01:07.000 And you just start to feel yourself squeezed out.

01:01:10.000 You start to feel like people are looking at you like you're the uptight guy and you can't have a good time.

01:01:17.000 So I want to go counterpoint on what you just said.

01:01:20.000 Unless everyone drinks the Kool-Aid, it's not fun.

01:01:23.000 Well, it depends on who you're drinking with.

01:01:25.000 If you're drinking with idiots, you're going to have that problem.

01:01:27.000 You're talking about my family.

01:01:28.000 I'm talking about your family.

01:01:29.000 I'm calling them idiots.

01:01:30.000 I'm calling mine too.

01:01:31.000 You called my wife an idiot.

01:01:33.000 Everyone's an idiot.

01:01:34.000 I'm an idiot too.

01:01:35.000 You're an idiot as well.

01:01:37.000 It's all in the level of idiot.

01:01:38.000 Right.

01:01:39.000 And with a certain level of idiot, when they get drunk, it becomes really boring.

01:01:43.000 Yeah.

01:01:43.000 Because it becomes, oh, you're not really good at this.

01:01:45.000 Oh, I see what we're doing.

01:01:46.000 So what we're going to do here is we're going to play a game that you suck at.

01:01:49.000 It's like two fat guys playing basketball and neither one of them have any experience.

01:01:53.000 Right.

01:01:53.000 Bouncing around, looking stupid.

01:01:55.000 And for a person that can communicate well and is sober, it's a real problem.

01:02:01.000 It's a bummer.

01:02:01.000 You're dragging me into the fucking mud.

01:02:03.000 Because you want to say to them, look, at the top of your game, I struggle to find you interesting.

01:02:09.000 Now you're drunk, and it's torture.

01:02:11.000 But then, counterpoint is, some people are cool as fuck when they're drunk.

01:02:15.000 Some people are fun to talk to when they're drunk.

01:02:17.000 They tell you hilarious stories, and they flow good.

01:02:20.000 It just loosens them up enough so they can catch a wave.

01:02:23.000 Yeah, you don't judge yourself as much so the real you can come out.

01:02:26.000 Yeah, you can catch a wave.

01:02:27.000 And if you can catch one of those social waves, it can be really fun.

01:02:31.000 And then you've got to maintain that wave correctly.

01:02:33.000 Correctly.

01:02:34.000 You have to know, don't underfeed it, don't overfeed it.

01:02:37.000 Yeah, it's a tricky thing, man.

01:02:40.000 Drinking correctly is like something someone should teach you.

01:02:44.000 Yeah, I really envy you because you seem to really enjoy it when I see you do it, but yet you don't have to do it all the time.

01:02:50.000 That must be so nice.

01:02:51.000 Yeah, and I recognize that it's most likely a genetic thing.

01:02:57.000 Most of my friends...

01:02:58.000 My father died at 53. He was an alcoholic.

01:03:00.000 Three out of four of my grandparents, all my aunts and uncles...

01:03:03.000 And there's so much evidence as far as, like, American Indians who didn't have an exposure to alcohol.

01:03:10.000 Well, it's also their livers and Irish livers process alcohol better.

01:03:15.000 Yeah.

01:03:16.000 Well, because they have a long history of use.

01:03:18.000 Yeah.

01:03:18.000 I think what happened with the Native Americans is they weren't drinking as much alcohol, not nearly as much, as...

01:03:25.000 Westerners that came here.

01:03:26.000 So when they introduced it to them, this is like a drug they had no social experience with, which is always a big one.

01:03:32.000 Remember when you were a teenager, the first time you got drunk, how terrible you were at it?

01:03:36.000 Right.

01:03:36.000 It takes a long time to know where your tolerances are, how to do it, how not to be a sloppy bitch.

01:03:41.000 It takes a while.

01:03:43.000 The shots in general are not a good idea.

01:03:45.000 Yeah, and when you just go straight to hard liquor, and you're 30, and you've been eating fucking deer that you chased down and killed...

01:03:52.000 Right, having peyote.

01:03:54.000 Yeah, and then all of a sudden you're just drowning in whiskey.

01:03:57.000 Yeah.

01:03:57.000 And you have no experience, no cultural experience to fall back on.

01:04:00.000 Oh, Grandpa told me what this was about when you get drunk.

01:04:02.000 What you've got to do is start off slow, boy.

01:04:05.000 Make sure you've got food in your stomach.

01:04:06.000 That's going to fill...

01:04:07.000 There's none of that going on.

01:04:08.000 No one even knows what the fuck it is.

01:04:09.000 Yeah.

01:04:10.000 And then the white man forces it on them because they realize how pliant they become when they're drunk.

01:04:15.000 Yeah.

01:04:15.000 So it was like, we'll pay you in whiskey.

01:04:17.000 And then sign this fucking treaty.

01:04:19.000 Yeah, give me New York for a nickel.

01:04:21.000 Yeah, a lot of bad real estate deals were done drunk.

01:04:24.000 Whether it's at a high-class hotel, and Donald Trump just fucking sauced you up, or you're an Indian.

01:04:31.000 Well, how much did they pay for Alaska?

01:04:33.000 Was that a good deal?

01:04:34.000 Where'd they buy it from the Russians?

01:04:36.000 I believe they bought it from the Russians.

01:04:37.000 The Russians are like, listen, we got more than we can handle.

01:04:40.000 You want to take that spot?

01:04:41.000 Right.

01:04:42.000 Go ahead, take that spot.

01:04:43.000 When you look at a map, it's one of the most ridiculous ideas ever, that that somehow or another is a part of America.

01:04:48.000 No, second most ridiculous idea.

01:04:51.000 Hawaii.

01:04:52.000 Yeah, Hawaii's pretty ridiculous.

01:04:53.000 Somebody told me there's like 100 countries closer to Hawaii than the United States.

01:04:56.000 And we treat it like...

01:04:58.000 And somehow like...

01:05:00.000 I don't know the history.

01:05:01.000 I mean, it's almost like we saw it and we went, yeah, we're going to take that.

01:05:06.000 And you guys can be citizens.

01:05:09.000 You can vote.

01:05:10.000 You can come here.

01:05:11.000 Meanwhile, we got Mexico lined up against the border.

01:05:13.000 We're like, you can't fucking come here.

01:05:15.000 Yeah.

01:05:16.000 But Hawaiians, come on!

01:05:18.000 Well, Mexico is way bigger.

01:05:20.000 Hawaii is just a few little tiny islands, and people seem nice, and they know how to cook a pig in the ground.

01:05:26.000 Let's just fucking work this out.

01:05:27.000 Have you seen the feet on their women?

01:05:30.000 Their feet?

01:05:31.000 Beautiful little feet.

01:05:32.000 Yeah, and they do that hula dance.

01:05:35.000 Whoa.

01:05:35.000 Hula dance?

01:05:36.000 Is that what they call it?

01:05:37.000 Yeah, isn't it?

01:05:38.000 I was there.

01:05:39.000 The skirts?

01:05:40.000 The grass skirts?

01:05:41.000 My wife took me to luau when we were in Hawaii.

01:05:43.000 I hate anything commercial and touristy, especially when you're in Hawaii and you're hiking in the rainforest and fucking surfing.

01:05:50.000 She's like, we're going to a luau.

01:05:52.000 I was pissed, so I smoked a joint.

01:05:55.000 Not even a joint.

01:05:56.000 I smoked a couple hits.

01:05:57.000 You know me.

01:05:58.000 And then I just fucking sat in the front row of the luau and their feet, the women's feet were like three feet in front of me.

01:06:05.000 You know, they're kind of like rolling on the toes and moving around on them.

01:06:10.000 Did you get hard?

01:06:12.000 Did you get hard?

01:06:13.000 Yeah.

01:06:13.000 Wow.

01:06:14.000 Just by looking at the feet.

01:06:16.000 You don't like nice feet?

01:06:17.000 I do.

01:06:17.000 Yeah, absolutely.

01:06:18.000 I feel you.

01:06:19.000 I hear where you're coming from.

01:06:20.000 It's a weird thing that we value that.

01:06:23.000 What is that genetically?

01:06:26.000 I think to me it's that they're hidden.

01:06:29.000 People wear shoes.

01:06:30.000 So it's almost like nudity to me.

01:06:32.000 I'm not supposed to see your little toes.

01:06:34.000 And they move around like fingers, but they're weird because you hide them most of the time.

01:06:38.000 They're fingers that you hide inside leather.

01:06:40.000 They're creepy.

01:06:41.000 Right.

01:06:42.000 I got a massage yesterday and I had my head in the little donut thing and I was looking down and this Asian woman, she was barefoot and she had...

01:06:50.000 I'm sorry, but Asian feet are better.

01:06:52.000 White women's feet are all fucked up.

01:06:54.000 They're like the, you know, one toe is like an inch longer than the other one.

01:06:58.000 Would you jerk off to this?

01:06:59.000 Yes, right?

01:07:00.000 Yeah.

01:07:00.000 Oh, for sure.

01:07:01.000 Yeah.

01:07:02.000 You know, what's really sad to me is when women get that thing where their toes start pointing towards the big toe, starts pointing left or right towards the other toes.

01:07:11.000 A hammer toe?

01:07:11.000 Yeah.

01:07:12.000 From jamming their feet into shoes that just smush them.

01:07:16.000 Well, it's genetic also.

01:07:17.000 Is it really?

01:07:18.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:07:18.000 Oh, so you can get it without those shoes?

01:07:20.000 Right.

01:07:20.000 It's just a bone that grows out, and it's like a bone tissue.

01:07:24.000 So the same thing, or it can happen both ways?

01:07:28.000 So either you can get it naturally, or you can get it from shoes?

01:07:31.000 I know you can get it naturally, because I've seen it run in families.

01:07:35.000 Is it a myth that you get it from shoes?

01:07:37.000 I think it's all natural because I think some people have that ridiculous small toe, like the retarded toe.

01:07:43.000 Oh, on the pinky that goes over?

01:07:44.000 Like it barely has a nail?

01:07:45.000 Yeah, it barely has a nail and it's like taking the right turn.

01:07:48.000 Right.

01:07:49.000 Oh, and it's stacked on the one next to it?

01:07:51.000 Yeah, it's stacked.

01:07:51.000 It's spooning it.

01:07:51.000 I always see people like that and I'm like, why are you wearing flip-flops?

01:07:54.000 Your toe is all fucked up.

01:07:56.000 Put some shoes on.

01:07:57.000 I saw this one lady at the beach.

01:07:59.000 She was this old lady.

01:08:01.000 It was like a sketch in an In Living Color movie.

01:08:06.000 Her toes were so fucked up.

01:08:08.000 They were going over each other and crossing fingers.

01:08:11.000 I had never seen anything like it.

01:08:13.000 It was like a picket fence that got hit with a missile.

01:08:16.000 I mean, the whole thing was just...

01:08:18.000 It was all just collapsed over itself.

01:08:20.000 And I'm like, this is the most...

01:08:22.000 It was like she was throwing gang signs with her feet.

01:08:24.000 It was one of the most ridiculous things I had ever seen in my life.

01:08:29.000 She's got dreadlocks on the end of her feet.

01:08:31.000 I mean, they were tangles.

01:08:35.000 And it is true.

01:08:35.000 I think you've got to earn a pair of flip-flops.

01:08:38.000 You've got to really take a good look at your feet.

01:08:41.000 Like an Asian foot, there's a perfect arc.

01:08:44.000 It's like a 33 degree curvature from the big toe to the pinky.

01:08:48.000 The pinky is well laid out with a full nail.

01:08:51.000 There's no fucking discoloration in the nails themselves.

01:08:55.000 A thin ankle.

01:08:56.000 And then you get, on a good southeastern Asian, you get like a brownish, tannish on the top, and then on the sides, it becomes very light, almost like a vanilla wafer.

01:09:11.000 Is that from the lack of the will to live?

01:09:13.000 Hey, we're wrong.

01:09:16.000 It's from running in napalm.

01:09:17.000 It's a bunion.

01:09:18.000 Bunion is that.

01:09:19.000 Hammer toe is when girls, the very end of their digit, they protrude, they kind of bulge up.

01:09:27.000 And that is from shoes.

01:09:29.000 That's a hammer toe.

01:09:30.000 That's a different thing.

01:09:31.000 And a bunion is when the big toe has a curve on the side?

01:09:34.000 Yeah, the toe takes a turn towards the other toes.

01:09:38.000 The big toe hooks right or left.

01:09:40.000 And it gets worse with age.

01:09:42.000 There's actually disagreement among medical professionals about the cause of bunions.

01:09:46.000 Some see them as primarily caused by long-term use of shoes, particularly tight-fitting shoes with pointed toes, while others believe the problem stems from genetic factors that are exacerbated by shoe use.

01:09:59.000 Hmm.

01:09:59.000 Yeah.

01:10:00.000 You know, could be, very possibly.

01:10:02.000 I would tend to think that it might be shoes because it's way more on women than I see it on men.

01:10:09.000 I cannot believe women put on those stiletto-type shoes.

01:10:13.000 I mean, I like it, but I look at them and I go, man, what a price to pay.

01:10:18.000 When I'm out at a club all night, my feet are fucking tired.

01:10:21.000 I'm wearing sneakers.

01:10:23.000 And then to think that you're perched up on this thing that your toes are jammed into and you're at a 45-degree angle, it's really archaic to me.

01:10:33.000 It's crazy.

01:10:34.000 Brian, what was that last one?

01:10:35.000 That woman had, like, fingers for toes.

01:10:38.000 Pull that video back again.

01:10:39.000 That was ridiculous.

01:10:40.000 I already lost it.

01:10:41.000 That's how ADD is.

01:10:42.000 And then black women, black women grow their...

01:10:44.000 What he showed three seconds ago, he's like, can't find it, boss.

01:10:47.000 I'm looking at some other things.

01:10:49.000 Can't do it, man.

01:10:50.000 Black women tend to grow...

01:10:51.000 There we go.

01:10:52.000 Ew, what the fuck, man?

01:10:54.000 Listen, I don't want to see this shit.

01:10:55.000 Some guys are into, like...

01:10:56.000 I don't want to see some dudes...

01:10:57.000 She just came from the gym, or, like, they walk in dirt, and then the guys lick them.

01:11:02.000 Yeah, they like that.

01:11:04.000 Hey, come on, Brian, for real.

01:11:05.000 I don't want to see this.

01:11:06.000 But the black women tend to grow the big toenail longer, which bothers me.

01:11:12.000 It's sexy.

01:11:12.000 Do you like that?

01:11:13.000 In case they want to snort some coke off the big toe.

01:11:15.000 Yeah!

01:11:16.000 They want to let you know they're ready to party.

01:11:18.000 Yo, baby, you want a toe blast?

01:11:20.000 Have you ever seen the photo where a woman, an African-American woman, has gigantic toenails, all of them, and it says ghettos?

01:11:31.000 Have you ever seen that?

01:11:32.000 Look up ghettos, T-O-E-S. Wait, no, no, no, that's not what we're looking at.

01:11:37.000 Look, there's images.

01:11:38.000 Do a Google image search.

01:11:39.000 He's just trying to sneak in.

01:11:40.000 Dude's sucking on toenails.

01:11:41.000 He's such a creep.

01:11:42.000 Duncan Trussell said the funniest fucking thing the other day.

01:11:45.000 He was joking around about someone who was attractive but was mean and was saying something stupid on Fox News.

01:11:54.000 And he goes, stop talking and just put your feet in my mouth!

01:12:02.000 I'm telling you something.

01:12:03.000 And I started crying, laughing on the phone.

01:12:05.000 It was the creepiest thing to say.

01:12:07.000 Look at that.

01:12:08.000 Gettos.

01:12:09.000 That's ghettos.

01:12:11.000 Damn.

01:12:12.000 Okay.

01:12:12.000 Can you imagine her just walking on a wooden floor?

01:12:15.000 Just the sound of her nails hitting.

01:12:17.000 I could.

01:12:18.000 It'd be hot.

01:12:20.000 Foot fetish is going to take off, and I believe it started with me.

01:12:23.000 I've been talking about it for two years publicly.

01:12:26.000 Oh, I think he's been around for a long time.

01:12:27.000 It's been around.

01:12:28.000 I'm talking about it going mainstream.

01:12:30.000 You've been talking about it longer than two years, man.

01:12:32.000 Maybe five.

01:12:33.000 Have you ever had a foot in you, Greg?

01:12:35.000 No.

01:12:36.000 One of the times that we did your serious show, you were talking about having a foot fit, and it was a long time ago.

01:12:42.000 And the funny thing is, I don't act on it.

01:12:44.000 I've never sucked on someone's toes, and it's just I enjoy looking at them.

01:12:50.000 So do you enjoy looking at them in real life as much as on video, or on video more than real life?

01:12:55.000 Which one?

01:12:56.000 In real life, I'm on the lookout all the time.

01:12:58.000 All the time.

01:12:58.000 So you just store the memories.

01:12:59.000 I'm looking down a lot.

01:13:01.000 And here's what I also do.

01:13:03.000 If I see a woman, I predict in my head whether she has open-toed sandals and what the feet are going to look like.

01:13:09.000 And I'm pretty right on it.

01:13:11.000 If a woman has really pretty feet, will you store that and then jerk off to them later?

01:13:16.000 No.

01:13:17.000 Never.

01:13:17.000 I can't store shit for jerk-off.

01:13:19.000 I need immediate high sensory.

01:13:20.000 Right in front of you.

01:13:21.000 Right.

01:13:22.000 There's never been a time where you took a few days off and you really had to build up.

01:13:26.000 Nope.

01:13:27.000 No.

01:13:27.000 No, and I only watched foot porn because I'm friends with- Brian, stop with the gross shit, man.

01:13:31.000 Infected pus coming from you.

01:13:33.000 Yeah, I want to see that.

01:13:34.000 I only watched it because Belladonna is a friend of mine.

01:13:38.000 Oh!

01:13:39.000 Single.

01:13:40.000 Foot soldiers is her whole- She's single now?

01:13:44.000 I heard she just got single.

01:13:45.000 No shit.

01:13:46.000 Maybe that's not known, but- Wow.

01:13:49.000 That's good news.

01:13:50.000 Yeah, her husband's a good dude, but he managed her.

01:13:52.000 How dare you, Brian.

01:13:53.000 So that's always a bad thing.

01:13:54.000 He what?

01:13:55.000 He managed her, which is always a bad thing.

01:13:58.000 Oh yeah, that's a tough sell.

01:13:58.000 Right.

01:13:59.000 Yeah, that's a strange...

01:14:01.000 It's a hard relationship.

01:14:02.000 Remember, it happened with Tara Patrick and that dude...

01:14:06.000 That rocker dude?

01:14:07.000 Yeah.

01:14:08.000 He was in Oliver Porn.

01:14:09.000 He was bad news.

01:14:10.000 It's fascinating.

01:14:11.000 Well, and when guys like that marry a porn star, but she still works, but now he fucks her in all the films.

01:14:17.000 A couple mainstream.

01:14:18.000 You know who he's with now?

01:14:19.000 He's with that little Lupe girl.

01:14:21.000 The Filipino girl.

01:14:22.000 Yeah, he got nothing.

01:14:24.000 Like, within a month that he broke up with Tara Patrick, he was with another porn star managing her and fucking her.

01:14:29.000 He likes it.

01:14:30.000 It's fun.

01:14:31.000 Yeah.

01:14:32.000 Does he only bang her or does she bang other dudes?

01:14:34.000 I have no idea.

01:14:35.000 That's where it gets tricky.

01:14:36.000 He yelled at me on Twitter recently.

01:14:38.000 He yelled at me.

01:14:38.000 I co-hosted the Porn Awards with Tara Patrick, so I went to her house one time and he was there.

01:14:43.000 And I asked him, I go, so are you allowed to fuck around?

01:14:46.000 He's like, nah, I don't.

01:14:47.000 He goes, there's one massage place I go to right over here in the valley.

01:14:50.000 And, you know, I get jerked off at the end.

01:14:53.000 But that's it.

01:14:54.000 And he's like, and Tara goes there for massages too.

01:14:56.000 And I was like, you know, that ain't fucking true.

01:14:59.000 But that was their press release on the issue.

01:15:02.000 Who cares?

01:15:03.000 That could easily be true.

01:15:04.000 You don't think that could be true?

01:15:05.000 I did it with my ex.

01:15:07.000 We both went to the same, at the same time.

01:15:09.000 Why did that dude get mad at you?

01:15:11.000 Because I said to Lupe, because I noticed that she was back in town.

01:15:15.000 I was like, hey, I would really like to get you on that podcast.

01:15:18.000 That podcast I do with Dan D'Arm on Triple X Squad.

01:15:21.000 And he wrote back, Look, motherfucker, I told you!

01:15:25.000 She does not want to do your stupid shit!

01:15:27.000 Blah, blah, blah.

01:15:27.000 Like, just started going off on me like five tweets.

01:15:29.000 And then I wrote back something like, Dude, sorry, just asked her if she wanted to do a podcast.

01:15:34.000 I thought I would help her out.

01:15:35.000 And then all these people on Twitter just started going, what the fuck?

01:15:38.000 It was like six months ago.

01:15:39.000 And then he eventually apologized, sent me a direct message like, sorry, man, here's my email address and blah, blah, blah.

01:15:45.000 I thought you were somebody else or something.

01:15:47.000 Oh, okay.

01:15:48.000 I think she gets harassed a lot.

01:15:51.000 Of course she does, man.

01:15:53.000 Of course.

01:15:54.000 Could you imagine being a porn star on the internet and having everyone just be able to tweet you?

01:15:59.000 Yeah.

01:15:59.000 Oh, the fucking shit those poor women must have to deal with.

01:16:03.000 She's awesome, man.

01:16:03.000 Yeah, but because of the sexual repression that we have, they take the brunt of it.

01:16:09.000 If anybody in this country, if you're allowed to call them a slut or a cunt, it's like a porn star.

01:16:14.000 It's like the things that guys say to porn stars.

01:16:17.000 I've seen some of the shit guys have said to porn stars.

01:16:20.000 Some girl be in your feed complaining.

01:16:22.000 Like, it's hard to believe some of the fucking creeps that tweet me.

01:16:26.000 And then, you know, and then you'll go to her Twitter page and see her responding.

01:16:30.000 Then you read the things that they're saying.

01:16:32.000 Mean, fucking, heartless, creepy shit.

01:16:35.000 Right.

01:16:35.000 Because they're objectified.

01:16:37.000 They're not humans.

01:16:38.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:16:38.000 You're only allowed to, in their mind, like, it's rare that I think a girl like, let's pick a name of a famous actress.

01:16:46.000 Sophia Loren.

01:16:47.000 Who's on Twitter, though?

01:16:49.000 Jenny McCarthy.

01:16:50.000 Yeah, Jenny McCarthy.

01:16:50.000 Okay, but Jenny McCarthy gets hate because of the virus thing, the vaccination thing.

01:16:56.000 She gets a lot of heat because of that.

01:16:58.000 Right.

01:16:58.000 I just read some whole article about this.

01:17:01.000 The doctor was actually writing an article about how unfair it is and how much heat she takes for having a controversial assessment on vaccinations.

01:17:10.000 Yeah, I think that it was irresponsible of her.

01:17:12.000 It's very irresponsible.

01:17:13.000 It's also what she really believed.

01:17:15.000 She really believed it at the time.

01:17:17.000 I don't know if she still does, but then I looked up all the things that have been caused by vaccinations, and that's where it's another one of those abortion-type things.

01:17:27.000 It's like...

01:17:29.000 Vaccinations, for sure, are not just beneficial.

01:17:32.000 They've probably extended the life of many people in this country.

01:17:35.000 They've stopped diseases like polio, nipped that shit basically in the bud.

01:17:41.000 You know, stopped measles and mumps in a lot of places because of it.

01:17:44.000 I'm a firm believer.

01:17:45.000 I'm a firm believer.

01:17:46.000 Don't get me wrong.

01:17:49.000 We're good to go.

01:18:10.000 You only safely can take this vaccine if you have a certain gene or if you're lacking a certain gene.

01:18:17.000 And they have to run this gene examination on you.

01:18:20.000 They have to find out what it is.

01:18:22.000 Sorry for butchering this, but my friend's dad got Lyme disease from the fucking vaccine.

01:18:28.000 They were going to be hiking.

01:18:30.000 They were going to live in Connecticut.

01:18:31.000 Oh, he took it preemptively.

01:18:33.000 He took it preemptively, and it gave him fucking Lyme disease.

01:18:35.000 Hmm.

01:18:36.000 All of a sudden the guy's like bones hurt.

01:18:38.000 Lyme disease is the most poorly prescribed disease you can get.

01:18:44.000 They can go after it with cycle after cycle of hardcore antibiotics and sometimes they're just chasing it and they can't get it and it fucks you up.

01:18:53.000 They need a lot of research on that because it's getting worse.

01:18:56.000 You know the first case of it was less than 20 years ago.

01:19:00.000 Is that right?

01:19:00.000 Yes.

01:19:01.000 In Lyme, Connecticut.

01:19:02.000 Yeah, Lyme disease is, reported Lyme disease, I believe, less than 21 years old.

01:19:08.000 Wow.

01:19:09.000 I think they had never had it before, or was undiagnosed before, or it mutated.

01:19:15.000 No one knows exactly, but it's also connected to this weird thing called Morgellons.

01:19:20.000 Have you ever heard of Morgellons?

01:19:21.000 No.

01:19:21.000 It's one of the things that we investigated on this sci-fi show, and what was interesting about it was doctors dismiss it right away.

01:19:30.000 Like, you tell someone about Morgellons.

01:19:31.000 I talked to, like, a really smart doctor.

01:19:33.000 Like, what do you think about Morgellons?

01:19:35.000 Like, oh, Morgellons, you know, those people are kind of crazy.

01:19:37.000 And I had been to a Morgellons conference, and I talked to doctors who have Morgellons.

01:19:42.000 And one of the weird things is that almost all of them also have Lyme disease.

01:19:48.000 So this Lyme disease, when ticks are such nasty cunts that they have a host of pathogens that they carry with them, Lyme disease being one of them, but there may be a bunch of undiagnosed tag-alongs, and Morgellons might be one of these.

01:20:03.000 These poor fucking people, man.

01:20:05.000 What are the effects of it?

01:20:06.000 First of all, it makes you crazy.

01:20:08.000 It fucks with your head.

01:20:09.000 Well, Lyme's disease does that, too.

01:20:11.000 It's neurological.

01:20:11.000 Yes.

01:20:12.000 It hurts their way they look at the world.

01:20:15.000 And one of the doctors that I talked to was talking to me about neurotoxicity, about how it has a certain amount of neurotoxicity.

01:20:21.000 We go pretty deep into it on this show.

01:20:24.000 It's incredibly fascinating.

01:20:26.000 And meanwhile, we don't fucking need deers.

01:20:29.000 Although they're being carried now in mice as much as deer.

01:20:32.000 Dogs, too.

01:20:33.000 You know, people who have never been around an area where this is a real issue would never understand it.

01:20:40.000 But, like, upstate New York, it's a real fucking problem.

01:20:43.000 It's too many deer.

01:20:44.000 A lot of deer, and they carry ticks, and those ticks get on people, and you get Lyme disease, and you're fucked.

01:20:48.000 Right.

01:20:49.000 And, you know, like, bright lights hurt, your joints hurt.

01:20:52.000 Like, it could fucking slow you down.

01:20:54.000 My aunt got it, and she had to go in once a week for antibiotics.

01:20:58.000 And, uh...

01:20:59.000 She got diabetes from it, a whole list of shit, plus extreme exhaustion.

01:21:04.000 Yeah, extreme.

01:21:05.000 She would be up six, seven hours a day.

01:21:07.000 And so you know what got rid of it?

01:21:09.000 What?

01:21:10.000 A hysterectomy.

01:21:11.000 Oh my god.

01:21:12.000 She needed a hysterectomy, and so she got it.

01:21:15.000 And then they found her Lyme disease was gone a few months ago, and the doctor went, oh yeah, yeah, that happens.

01:21:21.000 And she's like, so for 10, 15 years, I've been walking around exhausted, in pain, getting disease.

01:21:27.000 As a woman who was, you know, 50...

01:21:30.000 Obviously not having more kids, and the doctor didn't bring up that a hysterectomy would get rid of this disease.

01:21:37.000 How does a hysterectomy get rid of the disease?

01:21:39.000 I think it changes your estrogen levels or something.

01:21:42.000 Wow.

01:21:43.000 I don't know exactly.

01:21:45.000 And again, I always have to do a preamble when I do any sort of a recorded, spoken thing.

01:21:50.000 I don't know as much as I say I do.

01:21:54.000 So many times I will put out information that's wrong, but I will do it with full confidence.

01:21:59.000 Yeah.

01:22:00.000 That's the story of my life.

01:22:01.000 If you want to Google this entire interview, you will find no less than three major errors in what I've said.

01:22:08.000 And if you want to tweet me about it, it's at Greg Fitz Show.

01:22:11.000 Point them out, and I will acknowledge, like Sunday Gupta, who's the doctor?

01:22:17.000 Sanjay Gupta.

01:22:18.000 I will admit I was wrong.

01:22:20.000 That's beautiful, Greg.

01:22:21.000 Why not?

01:22:22.000 Why I Changed My Mind on Weed by Sanjay Gupta.

01:22:26.000 Oh, by the way, can I plug my dates?

01:22:28.000 Yeah, when are you somewhere?

01:22:29.000 I'm going to be coming up in Stand Up Live.

01:22:32.000 Do you know the club in Phoenix, Arizona?

01:22:34.000 Oh, I love that place.

01:22:34.000 That place is huge, man.

01:22:35.000 When are you there?

01:22:36.000 Well, I'm there next week.

01:22:38.000 It'll be August...

01:22:42.000 15 through 17. 15 to 17. And, yeah, I just booked the date a couple weeks ago, so I need the fucking, I need the squad people to come out.

01:22:51.000 Yeah, let me know.

01:22:52.000 I'll tweet it.

01:22:53.000 Let me know about it.

01:22:54.000 Send it to me, I'll tweet it.

01:22:55.000 I will.

01:22:56.000 And then I have a one-hour special on Comedy Central coming out on August 18th at midnight.

01:23:01.000 Where'd you film it?

01:23:02.000 Tarrytown, New York, where I grew up.

01:23:03.000 It was a theater from 1885 that was in disrepair when I was growing up, so it used to be a movie theater.

01:23:10.000 I went to see fucking Herbie the Love Bug there, and then they restored it, and it's got all the ornate shit and the balcony, and it's incredible.

01:23:20.000 So it was like my family was there, my friends, and...

01:23:24.000 Westchester just fucking turned out.

01:23:26.000 Kids I went to grammar school with in high school and college.

01:23:29.000 Wow.

01:23:29.000 It was an amazing night.

01:23:31.000 Really magic.

01:23:32.000 That's awesome.

01:23:33.000 Yeah.

01:23:33.000 You're really getting into doing stand-up again.

01:23:36.000 You're really loving it again.

01:23:37.000 Yeah.

01:23:37.000 Because for a long time you did a lot of writing, right?

01:23:39.000 Yeah.

01:23:39.000 Where you weren't doing nearly as much stand-up.

01:23:42.000 No.

01:23:42.000 And, you know, it's funny.

01:23:43.000 I talked to Dana Gould recently about it because, you know, he took time off entirely.

01:23:47.000 I mean, he stopped entirely when he did The Simpsons.

01:23:49.000 And now he's back in at the last five, six years.

01:23:52.000 And, you know, as everybody knows, just one of the most respected comics among comics, but does not have the acclaim around the country.

01:24:00.000 That he should because he was off the grid.

01:24:03.000 Well, it's because he stopped.

01:24:03.000 He stopped when he was really respected when we were coming up.

01:24:06.000 Right.

01:24:07.000 HBO specials.

01:24:09.000 Just a great comic.

01:24:10.000 Right.

01:24:10.000 And an interesting comic.

01:24:12.000 Right.

01:24:12.000 You know?

01:24:13.000 I mean, interesting points of view.

01:24:14.000 Yeah.

01:24:15.000 And a very unique guy.

01:24:16.000 Yeah.

01:24:17.000 Then he stopped.

01:24:17.000 Just was writing for The Simpsons, right?

01:24:19.000 Yeah, won Emmys, made a ton of fucking dope.

01:24:22.000 Yeah.

01:24:22.000 And also, like, you know, had kids, wanted to be around a bit.

01:24:24.000 So for me, I feel like I never stopped, but I was splitting my time.

01:24:30.000 Like, for 12 years, I've worked on TV shows every year.

01:24:34.000 But I've also done, on a slow year, still 12 weekends a year.

01:24:40.000 And on a good year, I'm still like, this year I'll do 26 weekends.

01:24:44.000 Weekends.

01:24:45.000 26 is nice.

01:24:46.000 That's every two weeks you're going on the road.

01:24:48.000 Yeah.

01:24:48.000 Yeah, that's how it should be.

01:24:50.000 That's good.

01:24:50.000 That keeps you from freaking out.

01:24:52.000 Right.

01:24:53.000 Because if you're one of those...

01:24:54.000 Maybe when you were 21, you could go on the road for like a month and a half or two months.

01:24:58.000 But I get offered those things.

01:24:59.000 Like, let's do a bus tour.

01:25:01.000 I'm like, fuck you.

01:25:03.000 Dude, we should do one bus tour.

01:25:05.000 For how many days, though?

01:25:06.000 Just a week.

01:25:06.000 Do a week.

01:25:07.000 We go to fucking Madison, Wisconsin, and Chicago.

01:25:10.000 Just root it so you got like two hours between each gig.

01:25:13.000 Bill Burr wanted to do something like that.

01:25:15.000 He wanted to go to like really shitty places.

01:25:17.000 Yeah.

01:25:18.000 He like found a bunch of really shitty places and sent it to me.

01:25:20.000 I was like, I looked at the text.

01:25:22.000 I'm like, bitch, I ain't going.

01:25:25.000 There's places that are not worth going to, man.

01:25:27.000 They're just not.

01:25:28.000 Well, you could mix it up.

01:25:29.000 You do a really good city, and then you do a small one.

01:25:31.000 I would do it just to do shows with him.

01:25:33.000 Yeah.

01:25:34.000 Or do them with you.

01:25:35.000 We could do them together.

01:25:36.000 Me, you, Burr.

01:25:37.000 Brian, you open?

01:25:38.000 Boston, one, two, three, punch.

01:25:39.000 I want to do a Dallas, Houston, Austin.

01:25:42.000 Just go up Texas.

01:25:44.000 I think Dallas and Austin are too much the same market.

01:25:47.000 They're only an hour away.

01:25:48.000 No, they're not the same market.

01:25:50.000 No?

01:25:50.000 A lot of fucking people.

01:25:52.000 People in Texas will come out if they know Greg Fitzsimmons is only going to be in Austin.

01:25:56.000 They'll drive from Dallas, but it's not the same market.

01:25:59.000 They're both big-ass cities.

01:26:00.000 There's plenty of people in Austin, plenty of people in Dallas.

01:26:03.000 That cap city in Austin is one of the greatest clubs in the history of the world.

01:26:06.000 It's such a great fucking club, and the people that run it are cool.

01:26:10.000 Yeah, well, it's real, like, they support the art form.

01:26:13.000 You know, it's like a legit support of the art form club.

01:26:16.000 And that's all a town needs.

01:26:18.000 You need a club like that, and then you need a community, and then, you know, you need an open mic night, and then boom, you've got a bunch of comics.

01:26:23.000 Well, you need a manager that is going to, you know, it's effort to make an open mic night, and they don't make money on it, so it's an investment in the local talent.

01:26:31.000 Basically, you're saying, you know, the way...

01:26:34.000 The way San Francisco does and Denver does, you're saying, we're going to have our farm team locally.

01:26:39.000 We're going to teach guys how to do it on an open mic night, support them and make them opening acts when they're good enough.

01:26:44.000 And then they start to create their own satellite rooms and coffee houses and whatever.

01:26:48.000 And then you've got a scene and a club owner knows that I know this comic, he knows me.

01:26:53.000 You see people that go back to the San Francisco punchline, myself included.

01:26:57.000 I go in for way less money than I work anywhere else because it's a small room.

01:27:01.000 But I fucking do it because I love it.

01:27:03.000 I love Mali.

01:27:04.000 And you're in a city you love in the middle of it.

01:27:07.000 And so I think that it's smart for club owners to establish these relationships and give this support to the community because it pays back.

01:27:15.000 Yeah, no, it does pay back.

01:27:17.000 It does.

01:27:17.000 And I think that it's the best way to support stand-up and to keep the art form alive because it's hard for a person to go from being just a guy who wants to go on stage for the very first time, say, in Indianapolis.

01:27:31.000 It's fucking hard.

01:27:32.000 It's not easy to develop a comedy career.

01:27:36.000 Yeah.

01:27:39.000 Yeah.

01:27:43.000 Yeah.

01:28:00.000 Club owners sometimes resent that and you don't get booked back as a feature.

01:28:04.000 You think that you're going to showcase for them as a feature for the headliner, but depending on the club, sometimes they would rather book their own features so they have a chip on their shoulder against that person.

01:28:16.000 Yeah, Tom Segura was telling me this story about this guy.

01:28:20.000 Someone couldn't make a show, so they had to call for a replacement.

01:28:27.000 The headliner?

01:28:28.000 Well, Tom was the headliner.

01:28:29.000 And the middle act couldn't make it.

01:28:31.000 And so Tom wanted to use his buddy who was in town.

01:28:33.000 And the manager's like, no, no, no.

01:28:35.000 I already got someone coming.

01:28:37.000 And she's like, you know, I prefer to use them.

01:28:40.000 And he's like, but I already, I'm in touch with this guy.

01:28:42.000 He's five minutes away.

01:28:43.000 He could be here.

01:28:44.000 Well, it turns out the other guy was someone that she was fucking.

01:28:46.000 Right.

01:28:47.000 So she wanted to get her boyfriend to work as a middle.

01:28:50.000 But he's like, well, this is, do you understand this is my show?

01:28:52.000 Like, I don't want this guy.

01:28:53.000 He's terrible.

01:28:54.000 Yep.

01:28:54.000 And so Tom was forced to work with this guy.

01:28:56.000 The last time he worked with him, he said he did 45 minutes and then was selling t-shirts at the end and had this big pitch for people to go buy his shirts.

01:29:03.000 It was like the grossest thing ever.

01:29:04.000 And so now he's got to fucking work with this guy again.

01:29:07.000 It's one of the big bummers about doing the road if you don't have full control of the show.

01:29:11.000 If you do the road like I do the road, we do the road, it's all our friends.

01:29:15.000 And then it becomes a party.

01:29:16.000 We might as well, if we're in Montreal...

01:29:20.000 Or if we're in Florida, it's the same party.

01:29:23.000 It's like we're moving all over the place, but it's the same party.

01:29:25.000 And it forces you to get out of your room and go to a decent restaurant for dinner.

01:29:29.000 Things become more of an event.

01:29:30.000 Whereas if I'm alone, I will eat at Starbucks breakfast and lunch.

01:29:36.000 That's how pathetic I am.

01:29:39.000 It's a very lonely thing to be working on the road alone for like three or four days in a row.

01:29:43.000 It's very lonely.

01:29:45.000 Yeah, I like it because, like you, I got kids in the house, and even though I have an office, it's different.

01:29:51.000 When I'm on the road, I get up late, but I'm awake when I'm up.

01:29:56.000 And then I work out, and then I listen to my show from the night before, and I take copious notes, and then I work on the set for that night, and then I weed all my fucking emails, and then I just go to the show with total focus.

01:30:12.000 Yeah.

01:30:13.000 That's a big one, man, that a lot of comics don't like to do.

01:30:15.000 Listening to the show and taking notes.

01:30:18.000 But I have gotten so much out of doing that.

01:30:21.000 That's one of the best warm-ups, too, for me.

01:30:24.000 If I'm going to do a show somewhere, I'll go over all of my notes.

01:30:30.000 I'll set aside two hours where I just go over notes.

01:30:33.000 Usually the plane ride for me is that.

01:30:35.000 It's perfect.

01:30:36.000 Plane ride's perfect.

01:30:37.000 You're focused.

01:30:37.000 You're sitting there.

01:30:38.000 You're not going anywhere.

01:30:38.000 You can get coffee anytime you want.

01:30:39.000 Right.

01:30:40.000 Boom.

01:30:40.000 But going over those notes, that's number one.

01:30:44.000 Then listening to a set and trying to figure out what order things should be in or what I forgot to do or what could be a good tag here.

01:30:55.000 Sometimes you'll have a little thing in a recording that becomes this blossom that takes off.

01:31:01.000 Right.

01:31:02.000 It's just one little...

01:31:03.000 And whatever the genesis of the joke was sometimes falls away entirely.

01:31:07.000 Yeah, it's so weird.

01:31:08.000 It's like the way you get to an idea sometimes, it's just like...

01:31:12.000 In that sense, it's almost a living thing.

01:31:15.000 It's kind of growing and finding its own form as you're working it out on stage.

01:31:20.000 And it's so subtle...

01:31:22.000 That you have to listen to the tape right away because then you can remember where your energy was at that moment and what thoughts you were having at that moment.

01:31:30.000 You can connect it all because the changes are so small.

01:31:34.000 Yes.

01:31:35.000 And sometimes you'll hear doors that opened up that you didn't follow through on.

01:31:40.000 Right.

01:31:40.000 You're like, oh, there's another whole bit there.

01:31:42.000 Oh, my God.

01:31:43.000 That happens all the time.

01:31:44.000 Yeah.

01:31:45.000 Or you'll go off on a little tangent and you just think after you went off, thank god I got that recorded.

01:31:49.000 I forget everything when I get off stage.

01:31:53.000 People would never know the weird sort of mindset, unless they've done it, unless they've tried to do Stana, but that weird mindset when you're locked in in the groove, it's almost like you're there and you're focused and you're in the moment,

01:32:09.000 but you're also completely blank.

01:32:12.000 And it's all just coming out of your mouth with no, you know, you're not clinging on to anything.

01:32:17.000 It's all just flying out of your mouth.

01:32:19.000 You're locked into it.

01:32:20.000 And it's almost like being a passenger in that sense.

01:32:23.000 Yeah, you're an active passenger.

01:32:25.000 It's almost like, I guess, like sports.

01:32:28.000 When you know the fundamentals well enough that you let go and you find, what do they call it?

01:32:34.000 The zone?

01:32:35.000 You're doing the zone.

01:32:37.000 And because you're so in the moment, Yeah.

01:32:54.000 Yeah.

01:33:08.000 Yeah.

01:33:08.000 And it's such a fine balance.

01:33:11.000 Like sometimes it's not a problem at all when people yell out something in the right time.

01:33:15.000 Right.

01:33:15.000 And sometimes it's like a huge problem because you get one idiot who won't stop doing it.

01:33:20.000 Right.

01:33:21.000 And he's annoying everyone around him.

01:33:23.000 It's almost like it's a very fine line you walk.

01:33:27.000 Because occasionally someone will yell something and it's hilarious.

01:33:30.000 Well especially if it's clearly when you're between bits.

01:33:33.000 Yes, clearly.

01:33:34.000 That's great.

01:33:35.000 Yell it out then.

01:33:35.000 I'm going to get a sip of water.

01:33:37.000 You yell out an idea.

01:33:38.000 But if I'm, like, that abortion bit, I'll fucking set that thing up, which is, that's a 9.8 difficulty level, doing an abortion joke that's pro-life somewhat.

01:33:51.000 And you build it up and it's fragile, man.

01:33:54.000 You're staying on a house of cards because you haven't gotten to the laugh yet.

01:33:57.000 And then someone yells something and you want to go out and punch them in the face.

01:34:01.000 Because now you've got to lose the joke.

01:34:03.000 Yeah, that becomes a real problem when people just can't keep quiet long enough to let someone do their thing.

01:34:09.000 Right.

01:34:09.000 But it's also like the combative nature of people when it comes to controversial ideas.

01:34:13.000 The ideas become very emotionally invested in the ideas.

01:34:18.000 Whether if it's abortion or war or being a vegan, a lot of times you get that same sort of reaction.

01:34:23.000 So it's not just a matter of being attached to the idea.

01:34:27.000 It's being emotionally connected to that idea succeeding.

01:34:31.000 Right.

01:34:31.000 You being against that idea, in your face and screaming and pointing fingers.

01:34:36.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:34:37.000 It becomes a weird human characteristic.

01:34:40.000 That's an unfortunate aspect to people when it comes to certain ideas.

01:34:46.000 I've felt it myself.

01:34:47.000 There's a natural inclination to be competitive.

01:34:52.000 Yeah, and it sort of feels like when you go to that place and you're trying to be honest, at the same time you want to say to the audience, hey listen, I'm not a professor at a university you're paying tuition at.

01:35:04.000 I'm not a speaker on NPR. I tell dick jokes in front of drunks, and if you have to challenge what I'm saying, you're really taking everything too seriously.

01:35:15.000 But there is a point, though, as an audience member, where we've all seen this one guy who goes on stage and is just essentially preaching.

01:35:24.000 Right.

01:35:24.000 I mean, we've all seen that.

01:35:26.000 And it gets to be this, you know, women should be the only ones who get to choose what they do and don't do to their body.

01:35:33.000 And they're, like, pacing the stage.

01:35:34.000 They wait for the applause break after.

01:35:36.000 Yeah, and the problem is, these points to me are, duh.

01:35:39.000 Right.

01:35:39.000 It's of course they should.

01:35:41.000 Of course murder's it bad.

01:35:42.000 Of course you shouldn't rob people.

01:35:44.000 Of course you shouldn't kick babies.

01:35:46.000 Of course.

01:35:46.000 Duh.

01:35:47.000 You don't have to say that.

01:35:48.000 I mean, in my world, you don't have to say those things.

01:35:50.000 In my world, those things are a given.

01:35:52.000 So let's start there.

01:35:54.000 You don't have to just preach some really obvious shit that everyone's going to fucking agree with.

01:35:59.000 And also, to me, it's like if you're doing a joke that is about an issue, that's about gun control, that you're about gun control, Do a joke about a detail that you have a point of view on.

01:36:11.000 Don't announce, we are now going to take on gun control and here's my take on it.

01:36:16.000 Right.

01:36:16.000 To me, it's like bury that.

01:36:18.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:36:19.000 And it's also, I want to hear about it from a guy like you who I know is doing the work.

01:36:27.000 I know that if you're going to go on stage, you have my full confidence that if you're going to present an idea on stage, especially a very controversial one, Like a pro-life, sort of a pro-fetus sort of an argument in a joke form.

01:36:42.000 Like, whoo, I know that you have put together a little dance.

01:36:46.000 Right.

01:36:46.000 And I have to watch this dance completely play out.

01:36:49.000 And it may have some turns in it.

01:36:50.000 Exactly.

01:36:51.000 But that knee-jerk thing where people attach themselves to ideas.

01:36:55.000 You're talking about abortion?

01:36:57.000 Are you talking about...

01:36:57.000 It's almost like they've got a green light to be a dick.

01:37:00.000 This guy's an asshole.

01:37:01.000 Green light, wrong, not true, propaganda, liberal, whatever they want to say to you.

01:37:08.000 I was in Lake Tahoe and I was talking about how we've been brainwashed to support billionaires in this country and in every other society when this few people had this much of the money, they were dragged in the street, had their heads chopped off and we split their shit and we should start killing billionaires.

01:37:23.000 Well, it's obviously a ridiculous bit, but it's based in a feeling that I have of resentment of these people, right?

01:37:30.000 Clearly a comedic extrapolation on an idea.

01:37:34.000 And this dude fucking stands up.

01:37:39.000 In a casino in Lake Tahoe, walks towards the stage screaming at me that I'm a socialist, which by the way, I am!

01:37:48.000 Okay?

01:37:49.000 I do believe we should share this shit more.

01:37:51.000 So he walks up and somebody grabs him from coming up on stage.

01:37:56.000 And I just keep baiting him.

01:37:58.000 Now I'm like, I want this motherfucker on stage so bad.

01:38:02.000 I am getting in his head.

01:38:04.000 I'm making him implode.

01:38:05.000 So then they have to drag him out.

01:38:07.000 As soon as he gets thrown out, another dude in the back row is up.

01:38:10.000 He's pacing back and forth.

01:38:12.000 And I do the same thing.

01:38:13.000 I just look at him and I go, that's right!

01:38:15.000 I'll kill my bare fucking ass!

01:38:16.000 I'll pull him out of a Ferrari!

01:38:18.000 And they just keep going.

01:38:21.000 And it was like this instinct I had to create chaos because...

01:38:25.000 They are not going to take my show.

01:38:27.000 No matter what it takes, if I'm on a stage, that's my fucking stage.

01:38:31.000 And I will burn the place down before you take control of my show.

01:38:35.000 It becomes a real issue with folks who are not familiar with your material.

01:38:40.000 They're just going out to a quote-unquote comedy show.

01:38:42.000 Well, that's a casino, yeah.

01:38:43.000 Yeah, that's the problem.

01:38:45.000 There's going to be a big difference between that and who comes to see you at the Brea Improv, for example.

01:38:49.000 Most likely, there's going to be Greg Fitzsimmons fans.

01:38:52.000 They're going to come, and they're going to know what you do, and they're going to enjoy it.

01:38:54.000 But when someone's just going out to see comedy, and you're giving them some really heavy-duty, subversive shit wrapped up in sarcasm, and it's like, what?

01:39:04.000 It's like their little feeble brains can't handle it.

01:39:06.000 Right, right.

01:39:07.000 Kill billionaires.

01:39:08.000 What?

01:39:09.000 Right.

01:39:09.000 The fuck?

01:39:10.000 You know, billionaires made this fucking country.

01:39:12.000 Yeah.

01:39:13.000 What it is?

01:39:13.000 Ugh.

01:39:14.000 Because they believe they're going to be one.

01:39:15.000 Yeah, it's always broke people, too.

01:39:17.000 Right.

01:39:18.000 What is that about?

01:39:19.000 Boy, did they do a brainwashed job on them.

01:39:23.000 I applaud the Republican Party because, I should say, just the conservatives in general, the mind control that they have pulled off.

01:39:32.000 And now, the Koch brothers just purchased like 11 Tribune newspapers, like big ones.

01:39:39.000 That shouldn't be a problem.

01:39:41.000 Right.

01:39:43.000 It's not like Rupert Murdoch editorialized news at all.

01:39:46.000 They're brothers that own Coca-Cola, by the way, the Coke brothers.

01:39:49.000 They're into textiles.

01:39:50.000 I think what's fascinating, too, about the idea of someone getting upset, like a poor person getting upset about billionaires and calling you a socialist or calling you a communist, like You're the people that would benefit the most from this not being the case.

01:40:09.000 Like this idea, pull yourself up by your bootstraps.

01:40:12.000 Those guys almost never do.

01:40:13.000 Because the billionaires, if they're in a situation and you're saying something to disagree with, they don't stand up and scream.

01:40:20.000 They get the fuck out of there.

01:40:21.000 You know why?

01:40:22.000 Because they don't want anybody knowing they're a billionaire.

01:40:24.000 When you're a fucking billionaire and you're just walking around, you're like a bank on wheels.

01:40:30.000 You can't just go places.

01:40:33.000 Oprah Winfrey.

01:40:34.000 Do you think Oprah Winfrey can just go places?

01:40:36.000 Everywhere Oprah goes, she must have some sort of protection with her.

01:40:39.000 She must have some big men and cars that ricochet bullets off of.

01:40:43.000 Do you know how many lawsuits are filed?

01:40:45.000 I'm not going to say who, but a really, really rich, famous person.

01:40:49.000 Fucking 14 lawsuits at that time against them.

01:40:53.000 Wow.

01:40:54.000 Why wouldn't you?

01:40:55.000 You have any contact with this person that doesn't go well...

01:40:59.000 Fuck it.

01:41:00.000 They'll settle out of court.

01:41:01.000 I'll grab a couple hundred thousand dollars.

01:41:03.000 Did you see what happened with Oprah Winfrey recently?

01:41:05.000 She said that she was subjected to racism while shopping in Switzerland.

01:41:10.000 Former talk show host tells Entertainment Tonight she was in a Zunick store when she asked an employee if she could examine a large purse.

01:41:17.000 According to Winfrey, the employee repeatedly refused, saying that the purse was too expensive.

01:41:22.000 Really?

01:41:23.000 Yeah.

01:41:23.000 Wow.

01:41:24.000 The employer told her, no, you don't want to see that one.

01:41:27.000 You want to see this one because that one costs too much.

01:41:29.000 You won't be able to afford that, and I don't want to hurt your feelings.

01:41:33.000 Wow.

01:41:34.000 Well, those are the whitest people in the world.

01:41:36.000 But could you imagine what a colossal fuck-up it is to say that to Oprah Winfrey?

01:41:43.000 Bad for the country.

01:41:44.000 They fucked it up for their whole country.

01:41:47.000 But stop and think just for a moment of all the people that you didn't think was rich.

01:41:53.000 Right.

01:41:54.000 Oprah fucking Winfrey.

01:41:56.000 She's one of the richest humans that have ever walked the face of the planet.

01:42:01.000 With one of the biggest platforms to communicate what you just did on the planet.

01:42:06.000 How many women are richer than Oprah Winfrey, especially self-made?

01:42:10.000 There's a woman in Australia who I think is the richest person in Australia, and she's worth more than Oprah.

01:42:17.000 Wow.

01:42:18.000 She wanted to buy it for Tina Turner.

01:42:20.000 So it's a double whammy.

01:42:23.000 What's love got to do with it?

01:42:27.000 She was in Switzerland for Tina Turner's wedding.

01:42:29.000 She's trying to buy her a beautiful purse.

01:42:31.000 Wow.

01:42:32.000 That is fucking crazy.

01:42:33.000 That is crazy.

01:42:34.000 What a dummy.

01:42:36.000 That's a racist thing.

01:42:38.000 When I first heard about it, I was like, oh, come on.

01:42:40.000 That's probably not racist.

01:42:41.000 That is 100% racist.

01:42:43.000 When I first heard about it, this is how fucking gross I am.

01:42:47.000 I immediately dismissed it.

01:42:48.000 I was like, ah, racism.

01:42:50.000 She ain't fucking mad.

01:42:51.000 Stop complaining.

01:42:52.000 Europa Winfrey.

01:42:53.000 All right.

01:42:54.000 And then I went, oh.

01:42:55.000 Then you actually read the story and you go, oh yeah, that's racism.

01:42:57.000 That's it.

01:42:58.000 Isn't this a fucking store?

01:43:00.000 There's a store, right?

01:43:01.000 And you're selling shit and someone wants to see it because they want to buy it and you're like, nah, not you.

01:43:04.000 Yeah, but what if a white woman came two minutes later and they said, she's like, no, this is too expensive.

01:43:09.000 You can look at it.

01:43:10.000 Well, why do they have the purse and the shit?

01:43:11.000 It could be.

01:43:12.000 It's probably something you have to get a meeting with.

01:43:13.000 You have to...

01:43:15.000 Put down a credit card.

01:43:16.000 It's probably some kind of, you know, it might be that expensive where they're like, it's not even really for sale.

01:43:21.000 Oprah needs shit like this to happen.

01:43:24.000 It's a purse, man.

01:43:25.000 Oprah needs this shit to happen because her life is so insolent.

01:43:28.000 Like you said, there's always bodyguards around and you can't just walk out.

01:43:31.000 She doesn't get shit like that that she can then go on TV and talk about.

01:43:35.000 She loved it.

01:43:36.000 You think she's not looking for that?

01:43:38.000 Not to dismiss it.

01:43:39.000 I'm with you, Joe.

01:43:40.000 This is racism.

01:43:42.000 But her fucking twat wetted up when this happened.

01:43:45.000 Did you hear what Chong's daughter called Oprah the other day?

01:43:49.000 Yeah, she was very rude.

01:43:51.000 Tommy Chong?

01:43:51.000 Yeah, and then Chong defended her.

01:43:53.000 Did he really?

01:43:54.000 Yeah.

01:43:54.000 What did he say?

01:43:54.000 There's a video of him just saying, you know, she would be.

01:43:58.000 Well, what she said was about that Oprah would be the first person to run to the most powerful person in the room and kiss their ass and become their best friend.

01:44:08.000 Does he know her?

01:44:09.000 I think she called her.

01:44:11.000 She did a movie with her.

01:44:13.000 And I think she called her a house N-word.

01:44:16.000 A field N-word.

01:44:18.000 Oh, a field N-word.

01:44:19.000 Is that worse than a house N-word?

01:44:21.000 Yeah, because they have to be outside.

01:44:22.000 It's not even in the house.

01:44:24.000 It's a field one.

01:44:25.000 Well, no.

01:44:25.000 The house ones, I think, though, are seen as more compromised by the white man.

01:44:29.000 Oh, okay.

01:44:29.000 More docile.

01:44:30.000 That makes sense.

01:44:31.000 Well, yeah, then it's mean.

01:44:33.000 Then what she said is mean.

01:44:34.000 Saying that she's a sellout to white people.

01:44:35.000 How can you be upset about someone who's a slave?

01:44:38.000 That doesn't even make sense.

01:44:39.000 That's funny because you have white people that have black audiences and nobody calls them a sellout.

01:44:43.000 That's true, right?

01:44:44.000 Yeah.

01:44:45.000 Or what about white people with white audiences?

01:44:49.000 Right.

01:44:51.000 Just because she's black and she has a white audience, there's a lot of black women like her too.

01:44:57.000 She obviously taps into a vein.

01:44:59.000 It's not my vein.

01:45:00.000 It's not your vein, but it's a vein.

01:45:02.000 But guess what?

01:45:03.000 People are different than you and I. It's nothing wrong with that.

01:45:06.000 I like Oprah.

01:45:07.000 I think Oprah is a really positive person.

01:45:10.000 What she promotes to me, despite the fact that she's a super billionaire, is that you can think positive, you can make shit happen, you can do things, you can be nice to people, you can promote good causes.

01:45:20.000 Talk about healthy food.

01:45:22.000 She's a multinational corporation, and she chooses to spend a lot of that money on schools in Africa, learning programs here.

01:45:30.000 She's a role model for women and black people.

01:45:33.000 She had a lot of gossipy interviews, especially back in the day.

01:45:39.000 Bill Burr had a great joke about how she actually made her career.

01:45:44.000 She can't get all high and mighty now because we remember how you got there in the first place.

01:45:48.000 She had a crazy Maury Povich type show.

01:45:51.000 People forget that.

01:45:53.000 I was hanging out with Al Madrigal.

01:45:55.000 It was one of the first times I ever met him.

01:45:56.000 He was the host at the Old Cobbs.

01:46:00.000 Do you remember the Old Cobbs?

01:46:02.000 Did you ever do it?

01:46:03.000 I was there the night it burned down.

01:46:05.000 I was on stage when it burned down.

01:46:07.000 Really?

01:46:08.000 Oh my god.

01:46:09.000 How many seats was that?

01:46:11.000 150?

01:46:11.000 125. 125. What a great room.

01:46:14.000 You were there actually when the fire broke out.

01:46:16.000 Right.

01:46:17.000 Firemen ran in and told everybody to get out of the building.

01:46:20.000 Helmets on, axes, people ran out.

01:46:22.000 There was fucking shit falling off the buildings.

01:46:24.000 Holy shit.

01:46:25.000 And I stood in the street and I watched the thing burn to the ground.

01:46:27.000 It was crazy.

01:46:28.000 What started that fire?

01:46:30.000 Next door was a hotel they were renovating, and it was like an oily rag kind of thing, and then it crossed over because it was called the Cannery, and it's an old walkway with the buildings pretty close together, and you know those San Francisco buildings are from like the 1820s.

01:46:46.000 And it's always been the problem with San Francisco is that if there's a fire, all buildings are connected.

01:46:51.000 Like a lot of those buildings on those hills.

01:46:52.000 And it's windy, so it's blowing the flames.

01:46:54.000 And it's hills, so everything goes up.

01:46:56.000 It's like, I mean, they have terrible fires.

01:47:00.000 The earthquake and fire, what was it, like the 1800s?

01:47:03.000 Then they had that other one in 94, right?

01:47:05.000 There were some fires attached to that one, too, wasn't there?

01:47:07.000 No, not, 89, right?

01:47:08.000 Was it 89?

01:47:09.000 I think that was the earthquake in 89, wasn't it?

01:47:11.000 Where they got hit really hard, or was that 91?

01:47:14.000 They hit by earthquake and fire.

01:47:15.000 During the World Series.

01:47:17.000 World Series.

01:47:18.000 Fuck yeah, that's right.

01:47:19.000 I remember that.

01:47:20.000 That was nuts.

01:47:21.000 Yeah, that's a crazy place to live.

01:47:23.000 San Francisco is a badass city though.

01:47:26.000 So I was there with Al Madrigal and we had just worked together and we were smoking pot with him and his friends.

01:47:30.000 And we're sitting in his parents' house.

01:47:33.000 His parents had this dope house on the hill.

01:47:35.000 And we were watching Oprah Winfrey.

01:47:36.000 Old school Oprah Winfrey.

01:47:38.000 And I'll never forget.

01:47:40.000 We were sitting there.

01:47:41.000 It was one of the first times I ever met Al.

01:47:42.000 And we were watching the show.

01:47:43.000 And we were like, damn, look how crazy Oprah used to look.

01:47:46.000 She used to have this crazy hair.

01:47:48.000 And she was interviewing these racists, these real heavy-duty white supremacists.

01:47:54.000 And it wasn't like the chastising, holier-than-thou Oprah of today.

01:47:59.000 It was like the scared Oprah who was just starting.

01:48:02.000 She was almost like a newspaper reporter or a newscaster.

01:48:07.000 It wasn't like the confident, powerful, iconic figure Oprah.

01:48:11.000 It was weird.

01:48:12.000 It's like, wow, this woman, she worked her way up.

01:48:15.000 Yeah, she became like a lioness.

01:48:17.000 She became more graceful and powerful as she got older.

01:48:20.000 And don't forget, she won an Oscar for Color Purple.

01:48:23.000 Yeah, no shit.

01:48:25.000 She, I mean, if you stop and think about it, like how many other women have ever done like that and like risen to that level?

01:48:31.000 They get close and then they fucking, they Rosie O'Donnell it.

01:48:34.000 Right.

01:48:35.000 I mean, Ellen looked like she was going there and then the show kind of flatlined a little.

01:48:39.000 I mean, I think it's a successful show, but it didn't grow into the empire that Oprah has.

01:48:44.000 Rosie had a good show on the Oprah Winfrey Network, but for whatever reason...

01:48:49.000 TV show or radio show?

01:48:51.000 She was a TV show.

01:48:52.000 I did it.

01:48:52.000 Oh, yeah?

01:48:53.000 She was very nice.

01:48:53.000 I was in Chicago, right?

01:48:54.000 Yes.

01:48:55.000 Yeah, she was at Oprah's place.

01:48:57.000 Yeah, she was a brutal boss.

01:48:57.000 I know some people that worked on that show.

01:48:59.000 Oh, really?

01:48:59.000 Apparently, they just cleaned house one day, everybody.

01:49:03.000 Oh, really?

01:49:03.000 Yeah.

01:49:04.000 She's a tough boss.

01:49:06.000 Well, she's a lesbian.

01:49:08.000 She's like a dude.

01:49:08.000 Right.

01:49:09.000 You think she's a lesbian?

01:49:10.000 That's what I've heard.

01:49:12.000 Rosie O'Donnell?

01:49:13.000 Oh, fuck, I'm sorry.

01:49:14.000 Who are you talking about?

01:49:15.000 Oprah.

01:49:16.000 Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

01:49:18.000 No, I thought you were talking about Rosie.

01:49:19.000 No, Rosie is a, yes, I believe a lesbian.

01:49:21.000 She's a powerful lesbian.

01:49:24.000 She's a big conspiracy theorist.

01:49:26.000 Is she?

01:49:26.000 Oh, yeah.

01:49:27.000 Tower 7. A big Tower 7 person.

01:49:29.000 I just watched another Tower 7 video with Ed Asner.

01:49:32.000 I was like, if Ed Asner's now, they're getting involved with Tower 7 videos.

01:49:37.000 It was the most legit Tower 7 video I saw.

01:49:42.000 Ed Asner's on board?

01:49:44.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:49:45.000 Wow!

01:49:45.000 But still, it's like they never talk about...

01:49:48.000 The whole video is very believable, but they never talk about the humongous chunk of building that was missing on one side.

01:49:55.000 They always talk about, well, this is impossible because this happened and this happened.

01:49:59.000 They talk about what?

01:50:00.000 The way it melted?

01:50:01.000 Yeah, there's no office fire that's ever taken down.

01:50:16.000 Joe Rogan, your take on Tower 7. There's most certainly a giant hole and diesel fires through the whole building.

01:50:23.000 That said, I have never seen a building collapse into its foundation like that that wasn't.

01:50:29.000 A controlled demolition.

01:50:30.000 It doesn't mean that it can't happen, because obviously I'm not an architect, but I know that they have that architects and engineers for 9-11 Truth.

01:50:38.000 There's like 2,000 people involved in that, and they all have this belief that that would have never happened under natural circumstances.

01:50:45.000 But out of those 2,000, how many more thousands disagree?

01:50:50.000 I don't know that.

01:50:51.000 I don't have that information.

01:50:52.000 It might be 2,000 believe that, but it might be 150,000 think it's nonsense because of X or Y. Well, the government pointed to this, or might have commissioned Popular Mechanics, I believe, did the definitive report which said that everything was legit,

01:51:08.000 but that felt a little too neat.

01:51:10.000 Yeah, that's a Hearst publication, man.

01:51:12.000 William Randolph Hearst.

01:51:13.000 That's the same guy who made marijuana illegal.

01:51:14.000 That's the same guy who put stories.

01:51:16.000 I mean, Hearst Publications.

01:51:18.000 Is that like 1930?

01:51:18.000 Yeah, 30, whatever it was, 35 or something like that.

01:51:21.000 I mean, he put in stories about these blacks and Mexicans.

01:51:25.000 Oh, raping?

01:51:26.000 Raping white women because they got hooked on this marijuana.

01:51:29.000 Right.

01:51:29.000 That's where the term marijuana came from.

01:51:31.000 Before that, marijuana was a slang for a wild Mexican tobacco.

01:51:35.000 No shit!

01:51:36.000 Yeah.

01:51:37.000 Oh, he's a bad motherfucker.

01:51:38.000 Wow.

01:51:38.000 It was all because of hemp.

01:51:39.000 Hemp the commodity.

01:51:41.000 He was going to have to switch his paper over.

01:51:42.000 He had newspapers.

01:51:42.000 He was going to switch his paper over to hemp because hemp is a superior paper.

01:51:45.000 And he was going to have to switch.

01:51:47.000 He had forests that he would chop down and make trees out of because he had paper mills.

01:51:51.000 Because he not only had newspapers, he also had paper mills.

01:51:53.000 So in this battle over the commodity of hemp, he demonized it as being connected to this drug that That was making black and Mexicans rape white women.

01:52:03.000 Right, and then in 1970, they commissioned a big study, the government did, and then they, I think they made another law, or...

01:52:11.000 Well, 1970 was a sweeping psychedelic act that made everything illegal.

01:52:16.000 Okay.

01:52:16.000 That was when it was like category one drugs.

01:52:18.000 Yeah, actually, what's really fascinating is the category one drugs are less dangerous in a lot of ways than category two drugs.

01:52:26.000 Like category one is marijuana, but two, schedule two, is cocaine and heroin.

01:52:32.000 Because they're considered less addictive?

01:52:34.000 No.

01:52:34.000 They're way more addictive, way more dangerous, way more toxic, LD50 rates much higher or much lower, with lethal dose at 50%.

01:52:42.000 You can kill yourself pretty easy on either one of those, heroin or cocaine.

01:52:45.000 Nobody in the history of time has ever OD'd on marijuana.

01:52:49.000 Exactly.

01:52:49.000 Marijuana's not going to kill you.

01:52:50.000 So the idea that one of them is a Schedule 1, which is marijuana, which is the most illegal, And those two are scheduled too.

01:52:57.000 It's one of the kookiest fucking things.

01:52:58.000 It's so crazy.

01:52:59.000 It's the kookiest things ever.

01:53:00.000 And also in this weed movie, Gupta talks about how the level of addiction with marijuana was way overstated and every new study shows that it's like a 10% rate as opposed to like a 30 or 40% rate with heroin and cocaine.

01:53:15.000 Right.

01:53:15.000 And there's people that are addicted to everything.

01:53:17.000 You can get into that until the sun comes home.

01:53:19.000 There's people that are addicted to playing online poker.

01:53:20.000 Physically addictive.

01:53:21.000 I've been addicted to playing video games.

01:53:23.000 I know that feeling.

01:53:24.000 It is very much like an addiction.

01:53:25.000 It's a compulsive, gnawing away at your consciousness feeling.

01:53:29.000 And that could happen with almost anything.

01:53:31.000 It could certainly happen with marijuana.

01:53:32.000 Well, that's psychological versus physiological.

01:53:35.000 Yeah, psychological versus physiological.

01:53:36.000 And psychological is a real issue.

01:53:39.000 It's a real issue.

01:53:40.000 But it's an issue for almost everything that exists.

01:53:42.000 And when you're dealing with giant numbers, like how many people smoke marijuana, Jesus Christ, you're talking about millions and millions and millions of fucking people in this country.

01:53:51.000 Millions.

01:53:51.000 So out of those, you're going to get a couple of losers, okay?

01:53:55.000 You're going to get a few people that can't keep this shit together.

01:53:57.000 You're going to get a few people that would have Falling off the rails if it was sniffing glue or huffing pain.

01:54:02.000 Doritos.

01:54:02.000 Yeah.

01:54:03.000 So is it tricky for even intelligent people?

01:54:06.000 Certainly can be.

01:54:08.000 Conditions vary.

01:54:09.000 Biology varies.

01:54:10.000 But for the most part, we've been sold a pack of shit.

01:54:12.000 Yeah, and it feels...

01:54:15.000 Pack of shit?

01:54:15.000 Pack of shit.

01:54:15.000 Pile of shit.

01:54:16.000 And it feels like the tide is changing, right?

01:54:20.000 I mean, it's...

01:54:21.000 Yes.

01:54:21.000 This was a big one.

01:54:23.000 Yeah, this is huge.

01:54:25.000 That's Sanjay Gupta.

01:54:26.000 That's the guy who was also accused of being a shill because he was getting paid millions of dollars by, or thousands of dollars, excuse me, I might have exaggerated, thousands of dollars by the pharmaceutical companies.

01:54:37.000 Like blood pressure medication or something?

01:54:39.000 I don't know what it was, but Dr. Drew apparently got a little cash on his side too.

01:54:43.000 You know, dog, listen man, I ain't just running shit on TV for my own personal benefit.

01:54:49.000 I gots to wet my beak, motherfucker.

01:54:51.000 I love nice cars.

01:54:53.000 I like pretty shiny shit.

01:54:55.000 Give the doctor a taste now.

01:54:57.000 I don't think there's anything wrong with a good doctor getting consultations or giving consultations or making some money.

01:55:04.000 Nothing wrong with that.

01:55:06.000 I think it's against the Hippocratic Oath.

01:55:08.000 Is it?

01:55:09.000 I would think so.

01:55:10.000 I mean, they're supposed to be as neutral as possible.

01:55:14.000 They're scientists.

01:55:15.000 And I think if they're dispensing advice that can affect your life, your health...

01:55:21.000 But Greg, these people have taken an oath.

01:55:24.000 Surely they would only do good.

01:55:26.000 And just the fact that this company is making them hundreds of thousands of dollars, that doesn't mean that they'd be willing to say things they wouldn't ordinarily say.

01:55:35.000 It's true.

01:55:35.000 They would only sign on for the ones that they absolutely believed in.

01:55:39.000 That's it.

01:55:39.000 That's the only way they do it.

01:55:40.000 That's how doctors roll.

01:55:41.000 Doctors are different than all other people that have ever existed, in fact.

01:55:45.000 And judges.

01:55:46.000 Yes.

01:55:47.000 Judges are all completely unaffected by the political party that got them into office.

01:55:53.000 Oh, we're fucked.

01:55:54.000 It's a stupid system, isn't it?

01:55:55.000 It's a crazy system, but it seems to me that this pot thing...

01:56:01.000 I feel really excited about some of the trends that we're getting with legalized gay marriage, with legalized marijuana.

01:56:09.000 I think these are big fucking cracks in the wall.

01:56:13.000 I think so, too.

01:56:14.000 I think it's also, there's an understanding that people are finally getting that we've been sort of sold this bill of goods that it's conservative versus liberal.

01:56:22.000 Okay, look, folks.

01:56:23.000 Now we have a liberal president and everything's exactly the same.

01:56:28.000 Exactly.

01:56:28.000 Okay, it's got to stop.

01:56:29.000 Like, at this point in time, when a guy who is a fucking half-black son of a single parent, when that guy is doing the same shit and it's running exactly the same way...

01:56:40.000 Something's horribly wrong.

01:56:42.000 We've been sold a bill of goods.

01:56:44.000 Right.

01:56:44.000 And we're duking it out with each other over gay marriage and nonsense.

01:56:47.000 Let's just get married.

01:56:49.000 Who gives a fuck?

01:56:50.000 And then I think slowly but surely as people realize that this immediate connection with homosexual being like liberal...

01:57:01.000 Something wrong with the way they've been raised.

01:57:05.000 You know, delinquent, evil, anti-Christian.

01:57:09.000 AIDS. They got AIDS because they deserved it.

01:57:11.000 Like, these ideas, these are ridiculous.

01:57:14.000 And at a certain point in time, people are going, oh yeah, yeah, I don't know.

01:57:18.000 I just...

01:57:19.000 I thought gay people were trying to recruit people.

01:57:21.000 People are slowly starting to realize that it's a stupid idea.

01:57:26.000 If you could put three things on the table that should be dealt with and talked about and change should be made versus all these window dressing things, even abortion, those are all, they affect, people deal with it how they want to deal with it.

01:57:41.000 What are the things that you think should be in the public discourse right now?

01:57:45.000 The biggest one would be people being able to vote on everything.

01:57:51.000 Everything that gets done.

01:57:52.000 Every war act.

01:57:54.000 Unless it's immediate defense of life.

01:57:58.000 Those situations like Pearl Harbor.

01:58:00.000 They've been attacked.

01:58:01.000 Get the boats out of there.

01:58:02.000 Shoot back.

01:58:03.000 That type of a scenario.

01:58:05.000 Everything other than that, I think there should be an educated discourse.

01:58:09.000 And that's the only way that you have a government that acts in representation of the people itself.

01:58:22.000 What?

01:58:47.000 Once a week?

01:58:48.000 Yeah.

01:58:49.000 People will say that, oh, you can't fucking, someone's gonna hack into it.

01:58:52.000 Guess what else you can do online?

01:58:55.000 You can bank online.

01:58:58.000 That's way nuttier than check left for yes and right for no.

01:59:03.000 Putting your money, your fucking ones and zeros in some weird account somewhere and moving around.

01:59:10.000 It's on plastic and you run it through the machine at the gas station.

01:59:13.000 That's fucking way nuttier than voting.

01:59:16.000 Way nuttier.

01:59:17.000 You look at what they've hacked into with WikiLeaks online.

01:59:20.000 They've got national secret nuclear codes are online.

01:59:25.000 Think about the number of transactions that take place, banking-wise, every day, online.

01:59:30.000 And then add to those stock market transactions.

01:59:34.000 People are getting loans online.

01:59:38.000 The amount of transactions that are taking place are fucking staggering.

01:59:42.000 True.

01:59:42.000 Trillions probably every day.

01:59:44.000 Probably.

01:59:45.000 Yeah, so it seems like, yeah, if you could, the problem is like with the voting booths, it turns out there was a Republican, one of the main Republican fundraisers in Florida was the guy that designed the voting booths for Florida.

01:59:57.000 It's like, all right, we got to pick a fucking company to set up software to vote.

02:00:02.000 That is from Switzerland.

02:00:04.000 They don't like black people, but they're neutral to us voting.

02:00:08.000 Well, it's just one person.

02:00:09.000 This is not representing the entire country.

02:00:11.000 One person fucked up with Oprah.

02:00:13.000 Maybe Oprah tries to fuck with people and she goes and gets made up like a homeless lady, puts fake scabs.

02:00:18.000 She's just looking to talk shit.

02:00:20.000 Very obnoxious.

02:00:21.000 Sort of like a kung fu master might pretend to be a drunk and stumble into a bar to get people to push them around so they can fuck people up.

02:00:28.000 I've met people who have done that before.

02:00:30.000 Maybe that's what Oprah did.

02:00:31.000 She's leaving out part of this story.

02:00:33.000 Right.

02:00:33.000 She said, well, you think that I could get to that purse?

02:00:36.000 Let me check out that purse!

02:00:38.000 Oh, man, that purse is the shit!

02:00:41.000 Y'all give me a Toblerone bone and one of those purses.

02:00:45.000 Can you imagine if Oprah was a troll?

02:00:48.000 And she just goes around.

02:00:49.000 She's bored with being a billionaire.

02:00:50.000 So she goes around just trying to get people to talk shit.

02:00:53.000 Just entrapping people.

02:00:55.000 Bitch, I'm Oprah!

02:00:57.000 Smack!

02:00:57.000 That's her new show, Bitch I'm Oprah.

02:01:02.000 At a certain point in time, if she really wants to go out gangster, now's the time to really go for it.

02:01:07.000 Bitch I'm Oprah should be the name of her next show.

02:01:09.000 You should run it.

02:01:11.000 I would run that because I understand the black people.

02:01:15.000 I have written on about five black shows, and I don't know why, but my first writing job was on Cedric the Entertainer Presents.

02:01:22.000 Cedric, St. Louis black guy who fucking sings and dances.

02:01:26.000 I get hired to write his monologues.

02:01:28.000 Just me.

02:01:29.000 Wow.

02:01:30.000 Then I go on, I wrote on...

02:01:32.000 Let me ask you that before you stop.

02:01:34.000 How did you do that?

02:01:35.000 Like, what was the process?

02:01:37.000 Well, Louis C.K. was on the show, and I told him, look, I haven't seen my one-year-old son in a year because I've been on the road so much.

02:01:43.000 I need a writing job.

02:01:44.000 So he sets up a meeting with Cedric, and I came in and I pitched him a few ideas for monologues.

02:01:48.000 And I said, well, why are black people always the first ones kicked off reality shows?

02:01:52.000 If there's a vote, if it's Survivor, you could be like, Tyrone, I know you were a Green Beret.

02:01:57.000 You saved us from that Barracuda.

02:01:59.000 You set up the tent during the storm, but you're black, man.

02:02:03.000 Hit the pavement.

02:02:04.000 Yeah.

02:02:05.000 So I gave him like three ideas like that, and he was like sold.

02:02:09.000 And then we would sit, the shows were taped on Friday night.

02:02:12.000 So on Monday, I'd just hang out in his office with him for like an hour, and we would just shoot the shit.

02:02:17.000 You know, not topical ideas, just, you know, anything.

02:02:20.000 And we'd shoot the shit, and the writer's assistant would sit there, tap, tap, tap, tap, writing everything we said down.

02:02:25.000 And then I'd have a couple days to kind of compile it, tweak it, punch it up, show it to him.

02:02:31.000 And then he'd go, yeah, I like this, I like that.

02:02:33.000 And that was it.

02:02:35.000 Friday, getting makeup put on.

02:02:37.000 Meanwhile, you've got to remember, he would rehearse and choreograph an entire dance number.

02:02:41.000 He was incredible.

02:02:43.000 And so he would come out on stage, do a dance number with the sensation dancers, finish, hit his mark, and do the monologue.

02:02:54.000 No teleprompter, no cue cards.

02:02:56.000 All he had was me.

02:02:58.000 After Wednesday, I would sit in his makeup room while he was getting made up, and I would be like, give him like one sheet of paper.

02:03:06.000 You know, we're going to talk about the Amish.

02:03:08.000 And you hit this beat, this beat, this beat, this beat.

02:03:10.000 You go out on this joke.

02:03:12.000 Got it.

02:03:12.000 Okay.

02:03:13.000 Thanks, Greg.

02:03:14.000 Thanks, Fitzdog.

02:03:16.000 He'd nail it every time.

02:03:18.000 Wow.

02:03:19.000 So that must have been a fun gig to write in someone else's voice.

02:03:23.000 Yeah.

02:03:23.000 Yeah, it was.

02:03:24.000 And what was great is I was surrounded by...

02:03:27.000 It was Louis C.K. and Jay Johnson.

02:03:29.000 It was all black writers except for me and Louis.

02:03:32.000 Wow.

02:03:32.000 And so it was like on tape night, it was fucking crazy.

02:03:37.000 Every guy's office was a different vibe.

02:03:42.000 One guy had the fucking bong...

02:03:45.000 It was just pot.

02:03:46.000 And the next one, there were these girls called the Dangerous Dimes, because dimes with black people is she's a 10. And they were these girls.

02:03:54.000 And all of a sudden, on tape night, you'd see it looked like prostitutes had just gotten off a bus, walking through with fucking micro mini dresses and those thick black thighs and stiletto heels.

02:04:04.000 Did you ever close a door and whack one off?

02:04:06.000 Oh, fuck yeah.

02:04:07.000 Yeah, tell me.

02:04:08.000 No, I mean, not with one.

02:04:09.000 I mean, I used to...

02:04:10.000 No, no, I mean, like, close the door.

02:04:12.000 Right.

02:04:12.000 Into a sink.

02:04:14.000 Right on your feet.

02:04:15.000 On that show, I was jerking off in the men's room one time, and it was the first week of work.

02:04:21.000 LAUGHTER And the men's room had a urinal and one stall.

02:04:27.000 And I'm in there and I'm jerking off and I'm just climaxing.

02:04:31.000 And the door to the stall opens.

02:04:34.000 And it's my boss.

02:04:35.000 It's the showrunner.

02:04:37.000 Did he know you were jerking off?

02:04:38.000 And I doubled over and he went, oh, oh!

02:04:40.000 And he walked out.

02:04:42.000 And I waited like 15 minutes and I came back in the writer's room, just looked at my computer, fucking, and nothing said about it for like a week.

02:04:50.000 I'm like, am I going to get fired?

02:04:52.000 And then everybody's talking one day and somebody's talking about taking shit.

02:04:56.000 And he goes, Jesus, I walked in on Fitzsimmons the other day.

02:04:59.000 He was, he was really, he was like doubled over.

02:05:02.000 You know, I locked the door next time and I was like, thank you.

02:05:05.000 You thought I was taking a shit.

02:05:08.000 Oh, that's so funny.

02:05:09.000 So you were sitting down jerking off.

02:05:11.000 Right, on the toilet seat.

02:05:13.000 Wow.

02:05:13.000 Yep.

02:05:14.000 Well, he thought you were just struggling.

02:05:15.000 He thought I was struggling.

02:05:18.000 Meanwhile, you're shooting one onto the floor.

02:05:20.000 Where were you coming?

02:05:21.000 I would take toilet paper, and I'd put it over the crown, and I would just kind of slam.

02:05:26.000 Oh, yeah.

02:05:26.000 That would look like you're about to wipe.

02:05:28.000 Like you walked in, you're about to wipe.

02:05:29.000 Right.

02:05:30.000 Wow.

02:05:30.000 Wow, that's a very anal move to cover your load with toilet paper.

02:05:35.000 You'd catch it.

02:05:35.000 It never happened!

02:05:36.000 That's right.

02:05:37.000 You never see it.

02:05:38.000 It never happened.

02:05:38.000 Shame be gone.

02:05:40.000 It's a good idea.

02:05:41.000 They should do that at the end of a fleshlight.

02:05:42.000 It should be all tissues to catch it.

02:05:45.000 Doesn't it seem like there should be a condom in a fleshlight that you can just remove like a liner?

02:05:50.000 Yeah, but then you'd lose the feeling.

02:05:53.000 That patented rubber is patented for a reason.

02:05:55.000 Yeah, it's too mushy to be that thin.

02:05:59.000 If it was that thin, it probably wouldn't feel like it.

02:06:01.000 You're no longer a spokesperson for the fleshlight, correct?

02:06:06.000 I'm sorry.

02:06:08.000 That was one of the things where more people told me not to do it than almost anything I've ever done.

02:06:16.000 Do you regret it?

02:06:17.000 No!

02:06:18.000 Why?

02:06:19.000 It doesn't...

02:06:20.000 It's something you fuck.

02:06:22.000 Who cares?

02:06:23.000 Like, the idea that it's evil or seedy or...

02:06:26.000 What are you, pretending you don't like something touching your penis?

02:06:28.000 Are we really pretending that?

02:06:30.000 Or are we pretending it's only noble if you do it with your hands?

02:06:33.000 Right.

02:06:33.000 Are you allowed to use lube?

02:06:35.000 Are you allowed to...

02:06:36.000 No, no, no.

02:06:36.000 You can only jerk off out of necessity.

02:06:38.000 You have to dry dick it.

02:06:40.000 In the shower.

02:06:41.000 You have to just be upset with yourself the entire time.

02:06:43.000 Let's just get this over with really quickly.

02:06:44.000 No, people look forward to jerking off.

02:06:47.000 And that's why there's a billion porn tapes out there.

02:06:50.000 And that's why flashlights sound like hotcakes.

02:06:52.000 You know what's crazy is you think about all the sexual positions you'll have with your partner.

02:06:56.000 You're always trying to be creative.

02:06:57.000 Try something new.

02:06:58.000 It's exciting.

02:06:59.000 And most people jerk off.

02:07:01.000 Most people.

02:07:01.000 How the fuck do I know what people do?

02:07:03.000 Do I know?

02:07:05.000 I know that I don't try anything.

02:07:08.000 When I was a teenager, you know, I'd fuck everything.

02:07:11.000 You know, my pillow.

02:07:12.000 And now it's just like, same type of porn, usually the same spot.

02:07:17.000 Oh, man.

02:07:18.000 Yeah.

02:07:19.000 Did you get any of the webcam stuff?

02:07:21.000 Have you tried that?

02:07:22.000 Never liked the webcam.

02:07:23.000 I remember one time I had a date with this chick.

02:07:26.000 It was just after high school.

02:07:28.000 And I kind of had a thing for her in high school, but we never did anything.

02:07:30.000 And they were going to meet up.

02:07:31.000 And she was like, DTF. Like, completely down to fuck.

02:07:35.000 And I was working.

02:07:35.000 I was doing construction.

02:07:36.000 And I was so horny thinking about it all day, because it's been a while since I got some, that I jerked off twice at work.

02:07:43.000 Jesus Christ.

02:07:43.000 Not once.

02:07:44.000 Twice.

02:07:45.000 Twice.

02:07:45.000 I jerked off once in the bathroom, and one time I shot a load out of the door.

02:07:49.000 I was working in an unfinished basement, and it had like a basement door, and I just looked around, just...

02:07:56.000 But then, that night, when I hooked up with the girl, I could barely get it up.

02:07:59.000 I was tired from work, because I had a construction job.

02:08:02.000 At the end of the day, you were beat.

02:08:04.000 And I was beating off all day, so that made me tired.

02:08:08.000 My desire was gone.

02:08:09.000 I'd already come twice in a day, like an idiot.

02:08:13.000 Once is a good move.

02:08:15.000 But twice is ridiculous.

02:08:16.000 I can't even do that.

02:08:17.000 I'm one-time Charlie.

02:08:19.000 I was working this club early on.

02:08:21.000 I was like the opening act to Catch a Rising Star down in Princeton, New Jersey.

02:08:25.000 Oh, I remember that gig, yeah.

02:08:27.000 It was near the college.

02:08:28.000 Near the college, and you stayed in the hotel, and it was a beautiful Hyatt.

02:08:32.000 It was a gig that all the New York comics like.

02:08:34.000 You take the train an hour and 20 minutes down, and you stay in a nice hotel.

02:08:38.000 Good room.

02:08:38.000 Anyway, so there was this one chick and, you know, there's always the one girl that people know.

02:08:42.000 Oh yeah, when you're there, Jenny, she'll take care of you.

02:08:45.000 You know, she's the one that fucks.

02:08:48.000 So we go out to like a Red Robin restaurant after the show and she's flirting with me and she was like a physical therapist with short blonde hair and was really rock hard body.

02:08:58.000 I'm taking my pants off right now.

02:08:59.000 Good rack.

02:09:00.000 Good solid rack.

02:09:02.000 So we're talking and I go, well you want to go to my...

02:09:05.000 She goes, I can't really go in the hotel because I work there.

02:09:07.000 And she goes, you know what, just let me in the back door.

02:09:10.000 So I let her in the back door and she comes up to my room and she is, what do you call it, down to fuck?

02:09:15.000 She is DTF. DTF. So she goes down and she blows me, and I blast.

02:09:22.000 And then she wants to make love with me.

02:09:25.000 Too late.

02:09:26.000 And for the only time in my life, I couldn't keep it up.

02:09:29.000 And she got pissed and yelled at me and left.

02:09:32.000 Ooh, she yelled at you?

02:09:33.000 Yeah.

02:09:34.000 Not yelled, but she was frustrated and disappointed in me, and it came through.

02:09:42.000 Were you sober at the time?

02:09:43.000 Yeah.

02:09:44.000 So you just had nothing left?

02:09:46.000 I just can't do that.

02:09:48.000 I've never been able to do that.

02:09:52.000 It's funny that she got mad.

02:09:54.000 I would get mad too if I was a girl.

02:09:55.000 I get it.

02:09:56.000 Well, that's why I always say with oral sex, there's no upside for women.

02:10:00.000 Right.

02:10:01.000 For us, there's an upside because if we go down on her, she's ready to rock after that.

02:10:07.000 Everyone's getting laid after you go down on her.

02:10:09.000 If she goes down on you, you may just leave.

02:10:12.000 Oh, so sad.

02:10:14.000 Sad to be a woman.

02:10:15.000 I know.

02:10:15.000 It is.

02:10:16.000 But think of having babies grow inside you.

02:10:19.000 That's the benefit.

02:10:20.000 That's the upside.

02:10:22.000 Yeah, if you give a guy a blowjob, you can't get it up again.

02:10:25.000 But you can make people with your pussy.

02:10:28.000 Right.

02:10:28.000 Did you guys hear Virgin Airlines is doing comedy now on the actual airplane?

02:10:33.000 No, they're not.

02:10:34.000 They used to do that on the flights to London, right?

02:10:37.000 Please tell me how they're doing this.

02:10:38.000 Yeah, and you can go on their Twitter page to find out who's playing and stuff.

02:10:42.000 But can you imagine that was your job?

02:10:44.000 Like, I'm playing for the next week in the air.

02:10:47.000 You know what?

02:10:48.000 That would be hilarious.

02:10:49.000 Bring a friend and videotape it and just do fucking crazy shit.

02:10:55.000 Yeah.

02:10:56.000 That would be awesome.

02:10:57.000 Remember the time me and Joe got hired to just be funny at an aquarium in Boston for a corporation?

02:11:03.000 It was like their Christmas party.

02:11:05.000 And we got hired, and we're like, oh great, we're going to do stand-up at this Christmas party.

02:11:08.000 And then they tell us, no, no, no, just walk around and do funny stuff.

02:11:13.000 No one knew we were comedians, because it was a couple hundred people, so everybody didn't know each other.

02:11:18.000 And we're eating off people's plates, And making fun of their ties.

02:11:23.000 And we were just...

02:11:24.000 People fucking hated us.

02:11:25.000 It wasn't working.

02:11:27.000 Just to say for the record, I did not eat off anybody's plate.

02:11:30.000 But Greg did.

02:11:31.000 Greg did.

02:11:32.000 And a guy...

02:11:33.000 He was just being funny with a big smile on his face.

02:11:34.000 Took a guy's strawberry.

02:11:36.000 And this guy wanted to kill him.

02:11:38.000 And I was like, oh my god, this guy's gonna hit him.

02:11:40.000 Something's gonna go...

02:11:41.000 And the guy just goes, you're a fucking asshole.

02:11:43.000 Right.

02:11:44.000 And it was like, whoa, this just got real.

02:11:47.000 So I just went in the corner and started eating fucking hors d'oeuvres, and then all of a sudden I hear on the loudspeaker, I hear Joe, he found the microphone, and he's like, attention, any parent with a child with a blue sweater, he's now floating in the shark tank,

02:12:03.000 please report to security.

02:12:05.000 And people thought it was real.

02:12:07.000 It was fucking, I don't, did we get kicked out or we just left?

02:12:10.000 I think something like that happened.

02:12:13.000 I know I didn't get paid.

02:12:14.000 I didn't get paid.

02:12:15.000 It was like $200.

02:12:16.000 The whole thing was a mess.

02:12:18.000 It should have never happened.

02:12:19.000 No one should have ever got a bunch of 20-year-old comedians and said, go do whatever you want to do at this aquarium.

02:12:25.000 It was an ad agency trying to be creative, trying something new.

02:12:28.000 Oh, you dummies.

02:12:29.000 I think the plane thing would be fine as long as you didn't have to be a part of the show.

02:12:33.000 Like, what if you're trying to get some work done and the guy's like, where are you from, sir?

02:12:37.000 You're like, oh, no.

02:12:38.000 Like, I'm sorry, I have an hour.

02:12:40.000 Oh, somebody's an asshole.

02:12:41.000 Doesn't want to play along.

02:12:42.000 Like, oh, I've got an hour.

02:12:43.000 I've got to work.

02:12:45.000 Things I have to do.

02:12:46.000 I didn't know I was going to have to react to you.

02:12:48.000 It's almost like you should be in a soundproof...

02:13:05.000 Where do you think the comic would stand?

02:13:08.000 I guess...

02:13:09.000 The bulkhead.

02:13:10.000 The first class people would probably be pissed.

02:13:12.000 They'd be the most likely to say, this is bullshit.

02:13:14.000 I don't want to see a fucking comedian.

02:13:16.000 I got to do my spreadsheet.

02:13:17.000 So maybe it would be like in the middle.

02:13:19.000 Like when first class separates to coach, they'll stand right there.

02:13:22.000 Right.

02:13:23.000 And do their little act.

02:13:24.000 Meanwhile, first class, if they want to do it right, I don't know if this has been done.

02:13:27.000 I think Playboy or Hooters had a plane at one point.

02:13:30.000 Hooters had a plane?

02:13:31.000 Yeah.

02:13:32.000 Yep.

02:13:32.000 That was my dream to take it, but there was one flight, and it was like, Oklahoma to Florida.

02:13:37.000 It was totally booked all the time.

02:13:40.000 People would fly to Oklahoma just to fly to Florida.

02:13:44.000 Well, I'm going to transfer over to Hooters.

02:13:48.000 I've got a two-stop shop.

02:13:51.000 But imagine getting a lap dance in first class on a flight.

02:13:54.000 That would be so pretty great.

02:13:57.000 Red eyes.

02:13:58.000 Oh, that'd be amazing.

02:13:59.000 Because I could have, you know, five hours of really high-end strippers just walking around, gently giving lap dances.

02:14:06.000 No fucking Van Halen blasting.

02:14:09.000 Just cool, cool lap dances.

02:14:12.000 Just like really slow music.

02:14:15.000 Right.

02:14:15.000 Nice and sensual.

02:14:17.000 Dark lights.

02:14:18.000 Throwing their tits in your face and just gently knocking them back and forth while you sit there and go...

02:14:25.000 The lap dance is a very strange creation.

02:14:27.000 Eddie Bravo has a fucking hilarious story about the birth of the lap dance.

02:14:33.000 He was working in a comedy club and he saw the lap dance become a feature.

02:14:38.000 And then before that, it was just the women would dance on stage.

02:14:41.000 Yeah.

02:14:41.000 And then it was like, well, we got a new thing.

02:14:44.000 You're going to be able to do lap dances.

02:14:46.000 And most of the girls were like, fuck that.

02:14:48.000 I'm not sitting on anybody's fucking lap dance.

02:14:50.000 It's a big line to cross.

02:14:51.000 Yeah, but one girl did.

02:14:53.000 And the first day, this one girl made just fucking ass piles of money.

02:14:57.000 Yeah.

02:14:58.000 And so after that...

02:15:00.000 There was one extra girl the next day, and then two girls, and then four.

02:15:04.000 And before you know it, they were all doing it.

02:15:06.000 But it took a while.

02:15:07.000 They had to just start bringing in money.

02:15:10.000 People would be waiting in line to get lap dances from this one girl.

02:15:14.000 This one girl was just sitting on everybody's dick, bare pussy.

02:15:18.000 They're allowed to do that.

02:15:19.000 They sit on your dick, bare pussy.

02:15:20.000 Where?

02:15:22.000 Everywhere.

02:15:22.000 No shit.

02:15:23.000 Yeah, everywhere that doesn't serve alcohol.

02:15:25.000 Damn.

02:15:25.000 Yeah, it's crazy.

02:15:26.000 It's beautiful.

02:15:27.000 When I was in Montreal, and Montreal is pretty famous for the strip clubs, and I was there for six nights.

02:15:34.000 I didn't go to one, and I just had no fucking...

02:15:37.000 I figured I might go.

02:15:38.000 Who knows?

02:15:39.000 People go as a group.

02:15:40.000 Right.

02:15:40.000 I don't know.

02:15:40.000 I think that...

02:15:42.000 You were over it?

02:15:44.000 I think I'm over it.

02:15:44.000 I don't know why.

02:15:45.000 I don't know if it's because I have a daughter or it just...

02:15:49.000 I don't know.

02:15:51.000 The size parlors are so much cheaper.

02:15:54.000 It is if you think about the actual...

02:15:56.000 If you go to the right ones and get the actual result you're looking for.

02:15:59.000 Yeah.

02:15:59.000 How much does that cost?

02:16:01.000 It depends what you want.

02:16:02.000 What do you want?

02:16:03.000 He's going to jerk you off.

02:16:04.000 Oh, you mean there's some where you...

02:16:05.000 He's going to go, okay, come on back.

02:16:07.000 They're going to open up that curtain.

02:16:08.000 Brian's got a table set up back there.

02:16:11.000 You'd get a lot more guests on the podcast.

02:16:12.000 He's going to come back with a wig on.

02:16:14.000 There'd be like 10 guests in here every day.

02:16:16.000 Handjobs places are more common, but blowjob places are pretty easy, and full-on sex places are about 20 that I know of here in Los Angeles.

02:16:25.000 20?

02:16:25.000 Jesus!

02:16:26.000 And how much is it to go get a massage and a handjob?

02:16:28.000 A massage and a handjob, you'll be in and out with an hour massage for like 80 bucks.

02:16:33.000 Jesus Christ.

02:16:33.000 It would be nice if it also came with a magic wand.

02:16:36.000 You pressed it to the back of their head and they would forget everything that happened.

02:16:39.000 Yeah.

02:16:39.000 If they develop the ability to zap someone and you lose the last 30 minutes of memory.

02:16:45.000 Just complete, full erasure.

02:16:47.000 Oh, you don't want the masseuse remembering who you are?

02:16:50.000 Well, you could sneak out that way.

02:16:51.000 You don't have to feel ashamed.

02:16:53.000 Like, nothing ever happened.

02:16:53.000 Right, right, right.

02:16:54.000 You're the only one who knows.

02:16:55.000 Nothing ever happened.

02:16:56.000 Wait, so how does that work?

02:16:57.000 They usually say, I go to massage places that are like 39 bucks, 45 bucks.

02:17:03.000 Those are the places usually.

02:17:05.000 Do those places offer the happy ending?

02:17:07.000 Well, like I've said before, you can go to RubMaps.com to find out exactly which places to go to.

02:17:13.000 RubMaps.

02:17:14.000 Rub, like R-U-B. Rub your dick.

02:17:17.000 Don't go to RugMaps.

02:17:18.000 Yeah, RugMaps.

02:17:19.000 This is a confusing fucking website.

02:17:20.000 What is Brian Redband talking about?

02:17:22.000 Right.

02:17:22.000 But most places do.

02:17:23.000 The big thing is that when you usually go to these $40 places, you're usually keeping your underwear on.

02:17:29.000 You're usually putting a towel over you.

02:17:31.000 You're not doing anything to make them think that you want anything different.

02:17:35.000 Okay.

02:17:35.000 So what you do is, the easiest thing is just to take off all your clothes.

02:17:38.000 That's the big thing.

02:17:39.000 Like, just take it all off, throw all your towels on the floor, you know, just let her put a towel on you if she wants to.

02:17:45.000 And then she'll start rubbing, you know, and then just kind of like, you know, move around a little.

02:17:50.000 No, I'm not looking to do it.

02:17:52.000 I'm just wondering how it works.

02:17:53.000 Listen, Brian is giving a seminar on how to get jerked off at a really seedy massage parlor.

02:17:58.000 And just start rubbing her, you know.

02:17:58.000 And does she say it'll cost you this much?

02:18:01.000 Usually it's just given.

02:18:03.000 You just tip.

02:18:05.000 If she's going to give you a handjob, that's like 40 bucks.

02:18:08.000 It's kind of like a law.

02:18:11.000 But what if you only gave her 10?

02:18:12.000 Would she say something?

02:18:14.000 If you just gave her 10, would she say something?

02:18:18.000 Maybe.

02:18:18.000 Some places will.

02:18:19.000 She probably would if she's an older person.

02:18:21.000 A lot of the older ladies, they've been around so long.

02:18:24.000 Their hands are the softest.

02:18:26.000 Oh, God!

02:18:28.000 He's doing material now.

02:18:29.000 No, I'm not.

02:18:31.000 It's true.

02:18:31.000 They have the softest hands on the road.

02:18:33.000 It's like a little kid's hand.

02:18:34.000 They've been jerking guys off forever.

02:18:36.000 It's like climbing up a rope for a year of your life.

02:18:39.000 But opposite.

02:18:40.000 Yeah.

02:18:40.000 It's opposite?

02:18:41.000 Yeah, because it's just skin and oils.

02:18:44.000 That's right.

02:18:45.000 There's oil on her hand every day.

02:18:47.000 She's rubbing it back and forth.

02:18:48.000 But it doesn't matter.

02:18:49.000 I never thought of that.

02:18:50.000 Your skin gets more brittle as you get old.

02:18:52.000 There's no way of getting around it.

02:18:53.000 You can't get around it with soaking it in oil.

02:18:55.000 They're going to have a leathery old softball mitt.

02:18:58.000 That's why you got to be a greasy leathery softball mitt jerking you off.

02:19:05.000 It's like Tom Koss soup.

02:19:07.000 That's why you should have them use their feet.

02:19:09.000 Why is it that someone's breath, like someone with stinky breath, is one of the worst turn-offs in the history of the world?

02:19:15.000 Without a doubt.

02:19:16.000 If someone's talking to you and their breath stinks, even for having a conversation with someone, even non-sexual, but if you're attracted to a girl...

02:19:25.000 And you start talking to her and her breath stinks.

02:19:27.000 You're like, oh, God.

02:19:29.000 Game over.

02:19:30.000 What do you do?

02:19:30.000 Do you tell her?

02:19:31.000 Do you try to be polite?

02:19:32.000 That's funny you say that because I had a really good friend for a lot of years and she was cute.

02:19:38.000 You know, she was like a solid seven and a half to eight.

02:19:41.000 But she had shit breath?

02:19:42.000 Shit breath.

02:19:43.000 Great personality.

02:19:47.000 Fucking single, no dates, and her breath stank.

02:19:50.000 And I didn't know...

02:19:51.000 I think I erred in not just anonymously sending her a note or an email.

02:19:56.000 You never told her?

02:19:57.000 I never said anything.

02:19:59.000 And, you know, a lot of times I think it's probably like tooth decay or something.

02:20:02.000 Yeah, it's gingivitis.

02:20:03.000 I mean, if it smells like an antique bookstore, that usually means that you have some kind of gingivitis.

02:20:08.000 Well, it's a bit of like a rotting smell.

02:20:12.000 Yeah.

02:20:13.000 It's really bad.

02:20:15.000 I had a root canal once.

02:20:18.000 I had an old filling.

02:20:19.000 I cracked my tooth, and then they filled it in.

02:20:22.000 But then somehow under the filling, it started to go bad.

02:20:24.000 So they had to drill in and give me a root canal.

02:20:26.000 And as he went through the tooth, It popped into the abscess and it made this horrible smell.

02:20:34.000 It was so nasty, man.

02:20:37.000 Like I could smell like rot.

02:20:39.000 I go, eww.

02:20:40.000 I go, is that like the rotten tooth that smells like that?

02:20:42.000 He goes, yeah, that's what they smell like when you open them up.

02:20:44.000 I go, that's nasty.

02:20:46.000 Whoa.

02:20:46.000 Yeah.

02:20:47.000 And that shit's just living in your gums.

02:20:49.000 Inside my tooth.

02:20:50.000 Like it had a drill through my tooth.

02:20:52.000 I had cracked underneath.

02:20:54.000 I have some cracks on my teeth from lifting weights.

02:20:57.000 From gritting your teeth?

02:20:58.000 Yeah.

02:20:58.000 I went to the doctor once, the dentist, and he was like, do you grind your teeth at night when you sleep?

02:21:06.000 Were you in a car accident?

02:21:08.000 Your teeth are all cracked.

02:21:09.000 And then I go, no.

02:21:11.000 He goes, do you lift weights?

02:21:12.000 And I go, yeah.

02:21:13.000 He goes, okay.

02:21:14.000 You've got to get a mouthpiece or something.

02:21:15.000 Look what you're doing to your teeth.

02:21:16.000 And he shows me this microscopic view of my teeth.

02:21:19.000 They're all cracked, all over the top of them.

02:21:22.000 And so apparently one of the filters had gotten loose or something, and some Dude,

02:21:42.000 this tooth right here got knocked out when I was about 15 years old?

02:21:46.000 And they did a root canal and put this cap on?

02:21:50.000 Fucking 31 years later, no problem.

02:21:53.000 Strong as it ever was.

02:21:54.000 Wow.

02:21:55.000 And it's a bottom tooth, so you don't really see it.

02:21:57.000 Mike Goldberg, the guy I do the UFC with, he's got his front teeth.

02:22:02.000 They had to actually drill posts.

02:22:04.000 I think he got them knocked out playing hockey.

02:22:06.000 Yeah, mine has a post.

02:22:07.000 That's right, yeah.

02:22:08.000 But his was like he had one that was clip-on with a magnet for a while when they were in the middle of doing it.

02:22:14.000 Have you seen those?

02:22:14.000 Really?

02:22:14.000 Really.

02:22:15.000 Yeah, man.

02:22:16.000 He'd slide it on.

02:22:16.000 That's cool.

02:22:17.000 It would clip on with a magnet.

02:22:19.000 You're like, what the hell?

02:22:20.000 He had a piece of metal in his fucking jaw just screwed in there, like the base for this.

02:22:26.000 And it has to sit there for a while, right?

02:22:28.000 Is that what the deal is?

02:22:28.000 It has to grow into your bone?

02:22:30.000 Yeah, it actually has to mend it with your bone.

02:22:33.000 It's a titanium rod.

02:22:34.000 No, I'm telling you.

02:22:34.000 They put a post on this.

02:22:37.000 It has no wiggle whatsoever after all these years.

02:22:40.000 They can make you some badass teeth.

02:22:42.000 That's nice.

02:22:43.000 It's the saddest thing in the world when people have no fucking teeth.

02:22:46.000 Yeah, and it's expensive, too.

02:22:47.000 And then if you get a bad job done, then you get coffee stains on it, or if you smoke, and it's a different color.

02:22:53.000 I had a friend who was a pool player.

02:22:56.000 His name was Mount Vernon Tommy.

02:22:58.000 He was one of the best pool players around White Plains, New York.

02:23:02.000 Would gamble, spend all of his money.

02:23:06.000 He worked as a dispatch guy for a taxi cab company, and he worked insane hours.

02:23:12.000 20 hours a day, 16 days in a row, and build up a pile of cash, and then come in and play pool.

02:23:17.000 Oh, shit.

02:23:18.000 Well, I'm trying to put together a bankroll so I can get some action.

02:23:20.000 He didn't have a tooth in his mouth.

02:23:22.000 And this poor guy, he used to, like, occasionally, got me a filet mignon.

02:23:28.000 I go, how do you eat your steak?

02:23:30.000 And he goes, well...

02:23:31.000 Yeah, it's kind of a problem.

02:23:32.000 I can't chew it up, so what I do is I just put it in a blender, blend it all up nice, and then I just eat it like that.

02:23:37.000 No shit!

02:23:38.000 He literally couldn't chew anything.

02:23:40.000 He had zero teeth.

02:23:42.000 He had no teeth.

02:23:43.000 What happened to his teeth?

02:23:44.000 Just disease?

02:23:45.000 Could be anything.

02:23:46.000 It could be fights, I'm sure.

02:23:48.000 Lost some in fights.

02:23:49.000 Bad dental hygiene.

02:23:51.000 You know, there was a time where people just weren't brushing their fucking teeth all the time.

02:23:55.000 Some people, you know.

02:23:57.000 And this guy was, you know, part of that.

02:24:00.000 He just had terrible teeth hygiene.

02:24:02.000 Lost all his teeth.

02:24:03.000 How often do you floss?

02:24:04.000 I never floss.

02:24:05.000 You never floss?

02:24:06.000 Never floss.

02:24:06.000 I brush the shit out of my teeth, but I don't floss.

02:24:09.000 I floss like once a week.

02:24:10.000 Do you?

02:24:11.000 Once a week?

02:24:11.000 It's good.

02:24:11.000 If I have a steak dinner, if I feel like I got a couple spaces between my molars, and every meat meal I got a nice fucking chunk.

02:24:20.000 And I'll try to suck it out, sometimes for 35 minutes.

02:24:23.000 You know, just going after it, sucking, sucking.

02:24:26.000 And then when it comes out, it's like so tender, you know, it's like been completely tenderized in your molars and then you chew it with your front teeth and it's delicious.

02:24:35.000 I was watching this special, or it was a television show on these bear hunters.

02:24:41.000 They were going hunting grizzly bears.

02:24:43.000 It's a very strange thing to watch because part of you is like, man, I don't know.

02:24:48.000 You're not even going to eat that.

02:24:49.000 You're shooting this animal for its pelt.

02:24:51.000 This is fucking crazy.

02:24:53.000 And then the other part, when you see the actual animal dead, and you look at its jaw, you open its mouth, and you see these...

02:25:02.000 Fucking massive teeth with this enormous head.

02:25:05.000 It just really puts into perspective how weird teeth are.

02:25:10.000 We have these flat, stupid, shitty ones that crack real easy.

02:25:14.000 This motherfucker is something that can eat trees.

02:25:17.000 These are giant swords embedded in his brain.

02:25:22.000 These huge fucking slicing swords that are attached to his face.

02:25:29.000 With a jaw that could crush a fucking anvil.

02:25:33.000 They're just incredibly powerful.

02:25:36.000 Meanwhile, I'm kind of on the bear side.

02:25:38.000 That's what's fucked up.

02:25:39.000 I'm watching this.

02:25:40.000 I'm like, I don't...

02:25:41.000 Man, unless you have to manage a population like you're having a problem...

02:25:45.000 With them, like, killing people's animals or going after people.

02:25:50.000 Like, you're going to a place where there's no people and you're fucking up these bears.

02:25:54.000 Right.

02:25:54.000 It's like a weird...

02:25:56.000 If you're eating it, I get it.

02:25:57.000 I get it.

02:25:58.000 If you want to eat, like, black bear, people eat black bear.

02:26:01.000 But I don't think people really eat grizzly bears.

02:26:03.000 I think they only shoot them for their pelts.

02:26:05.000 I think they probably taste like shit.

02:26:06.000 We should find out.

02:26:07.000 It's like a miracle, man.

02:26:09.000 A beast like that or a lion, when you see them, it's just like it's nature expressing itself in the coolest fucking way.

02:26:17.000 But still, terrifying.

02:26:21.000 There's a story.

02:26:23.000 About these Japanese soldiers that had entered these mangrove swamps.

02:26:28.000 And I'm not sure where it happened.

02:26:32.000 I put it on my Twitter two days ago.

02:26:35.000 It's a terrifying fucking story.

02:26:37.000 A thousand soldiers went to these swamps and 20 got out.

02:26:41.000 What?

02:26:42.000 They were all eaten by crocodiles.

02:26:44.000 And there had no...

02:26:46.000 There's nothing to do, but just keep going.

02:26:49.000 And so, all around them, they're hearing thrashing, where a crocodile will grab a guy, and then you hear screams that eventually go underwater, where the croc is flipping them and rolling them, and it's pitch black.

02:27:02.000 So it's pitch black, and these guys are walking through crocodile-infested swamps.

02:27:08.000 A thousand swamps?

02:27:09.000 A thousand men went in, 20 got out.

02:27:11.000 How long ago?

02:27:12.000 The 1940s.

02:27:14.000 Let me find it.

02:27:15.000 Yeah.

02:27:15.000 You're gonna shit your pants.

02:27:17.000 It is a crazy fucking story.

02:27:19.000 Yeah, somebody should compile the ten events in life that most resemble what hell would be.

02:27:25.000 Yeah, here it is.

02:27:26.000 I should give the guy props who sent it to me.

02:27:28.000 A dude named Van Dave.

02:27:30.000 Van Dave sent it to me.

02:27:31.000 Death in the Swamps of Ramry is the article.

02:27:35.000 It's on my Twitter feed from 15 hours ago.

02:27:39.000 It was in Burma, the rolling jungles of Burma.

02:27:43.000 In World War II, these Japanese soldiers went into southern Burma, and between 900 and 1,000 Imperial infantry They retreated approximately ten miles through the mangrove swamps in an effort to sync up with a larger defensive force.

02:28:02.000 And this is a fucking...

02:28:03.000 I don't want to read you too much of this.

02:28:04.000 This is a fucking crazy story.

02:28:07.000 It says...

02:28:30.000 Of about a thousand Japanese soldiers that had entered the swamps of Ramree, only 20 were found alive.

02:28:36.000 What a great way of describing that.

02:28:38.000 The scattered rifle shots.

02:28:39.000 Who wrote that?

02:28:41.000 Gary Mortenson.

02:28:43.000 Good writer.

02:28:45.000 Is it an excerpt from a book?

02:28:50.000 No, it's just a historical account.

02:28:53.000 World War II history.

02:28:54.000 World War II history blog.

02:28:57.000 It's WorldWarII blog.

02:29:01.000 WorldWarII.com forward slash blog.

02:29:04.000 I love shit about World War II. Just Google Death in the Swamps of Ramry.

02:29:09.000 It's actually by Steve Turgesson.

02:29:13.000 That's the gentleman who wrote it.

02:29:14.000 Steve Turgesson.

02:29:16.000 But in the bottom it says written by Gary Mortensen.

02:29:20.000 And then, okay, that last thing that I said, the scattered rifle shots, that's even written by a different guy.

02:29:26.000 British naturalist Bruce Wright, attached to a Royal Marine Division, made the following notes of what he witnessed.

02:29:33.000 Ooh, that was an eyewitness account.

02:29:35.000 Oh my god.

02:29:37.000 That's amazing.

02:29:38.000 What a great depression.

02:29:38.000 Imagine your life if you're one of the 20 that survived, the survivor guilt that you would have, the terror.

02:29:44.000 Yeah, terror.

02:29:45.000 I mean, the terror that your nervous system to be going to a heightened state of everything that was just described for probably an hour.

02:29:57.000 Oh, more than that, man.

02:29:58.000 Didn't they talk about 10?

02:30:00.000 How many miles did they say it was?

02:30:02.000 Two miles, I think.

02:30:04.000 Ten.

02:30:05.000 Ten miles.

02:30:06.000 Ten miles through the mangrove swamps.

02:30:08.000 So how fast do you walk?

02:30:09.000 Through mangroves?

02:30:11.000 Yeah.

02:30:12.000 Three miles an hour if you're lucky?

02:30:13.000 That's like...

02:30:14.000 So three hours?

02:30:16.000 Do you even walk three miles an hour through swamps?

02:30:19.000 Probably less.

02:30:21.000 Probably less.

02:30:22.000 Jesus Christ.

02:30:24.000 Fuck.

02:30:24.000 Dude, I'm shitting my pants right now.

02:30:26.000 Just thinking about that.

02:30:27.000 Not to mention Burma, Burmese pythons.

02:30:30.000 Oh, yeah.

02:30:30.000 Did you hear about that python that got loose in Montreal?

02:30:33.000 Yeah.

02:30:33.000 Was it Montreal?

02:30:34.000 Is that where it was?

02:30:35.000 Yeah.

02:30:36.000 Killed, like, three boys or something?

02:30:38.000 Yeah.

02:30:39.000 No, it wasn't in Montreal.

02:30:40.000 Somewhere in Canada.

02:30:42.000 Went through a ceiling and killed these boys.

02:30:46.000 Got out of, like, this reptile shop.

02:30:47.000 19-foot fucking python.

02:30:49.000 Damn.

02:30:50.000 Jesus.

02:30:51.000 I mean, they said it's big enough to swallow an antelope hole.

02:30:54.000 And you've got this thing just laying around?

02:30:57.000 Think about how big that is.

02:30:58.000 You can swallow an antelope hole.

02:31:00.000 It's like my waist.

02:31:01.000 It's my waist and a snake.

02:31:03.000 Yeah.

02:31:03.000 What the fuck, man?

02:31:05.000 That's incredible.

02:31:06.000 Yeah.

02:31:06.000 Those things, you should have to have really special precautionary...

02:31:12.000 Like, fail-safe sort of ways to keep something like that contained.

02:31:16.000 If you're gonna keep something like that alive...

02:31:17.000 You might have to put a fucking muzzle on it, unless they're feeding.

02:31:21.000 But even then, how do I know if that muzzle's gonna stick?

02:31:24.000 What if the thing figures out how to get the muzzle off?

02:31:26.000 Right.

02:31:26.000 You know, you got a donkey-eating monster on your hand.

02:31:30.000 Right.

02:31:30.000 Just wandering around.

02:31:32.000 Yeah.

02:31:32.000 And it needs to eat.

02:31:34.000 They have a real problem with those fucking things in Florida.

02:31:36.000 They're offering all sorts of rewards.

02:31:38.000 In the Everglades.

02:31:39.000 Yeah, they had a thing recently where they offered rewards on people bringing them back.

02:31:43.000 I'm like, fuck, nobody was catching them.

02:31:44.000 Nobody was catching them.

02:31:45.000 No, I read about that.

02:31:46.000 And they're like, this is a real problem.

02:31:48.000 We know they're there.

02:31:49.000 And those are...

02:31:52.000 What kind of snakes are those?

02:31:53.000 Oh, those are pythons.

02:31:54.000 Are they pythons?

02:31:55.000 Yeah.

02:31:55.000 Florida's so fucked up.

02:31:56.000 They found Nile crocodiles in Florida now.

02:31:59.000 And there's only one way for them to get there.

02:32:01.000 Someone had to let them go.

02:32:02.000 Yeah.

02:32:02.000 So they don't think there's a breeding population of them yet, but there's a shoot-to-kill order on Nile crocodiles.

02:32:07.000 Like, if you see them, you have to fucking kill them, like, right away.

02:32:10.000 Because they're aggressive and they get to be 28 fucking feet long.

02:32:14.000 Like, you gotta kill those things.

02:32:15.000 These are not, like, the American crocodiles that exist now.

02:32:18.000 Hmm.

02:32:18.000 American crocodiles are much smaller.

02:32:20.000 Very aggressive.

02:32:21.000 Much more aggressive than alligators, but much smaller.

02:32:24.000 But these Nile crocodiles?

02:32:25.000 Holy fuck.

02:32:27.000 They're wildebeest eaters.

02:32:29.000 And they're really aggressive.

02:32:31.000 Really aggressive.

02:32:32.000 Alligators, I mean, I've been around alligators a lot because we used to have a house down in Florida and it had a pond across the street that had alligators in it.

02:32:39.000 So we were very aware and we saw them a lot and we saw the way they moved.

02:32:43.000 And they'd check you out But they'd ultimately swim away or not move.

02:32:49.000 Crocodiles, they're going to come up and go after you.

02:32:52.000 Yeah, they see you and they'll lock on to you and come after you.

02:32:55.000 Right.

02:32:55.000 Fuck lizards, man.

02:32:57.000 I know.

02:32:57.000 Fuck all those creepy reptiles.

02:33:00.000 People that think they're cute, I see monsters.

02:33:03.000 That's all I see.

02:33:04.000 I see heartless monsters that don't give a fuck about you or anybody.

02:33:08.000 You can own that thing for 20 fucking years.

02:33:10.000 It's never going to give a shit.

02:33:12.000 It's a cold-blooded...

02:33:13.000 Yeah.

02:33:15.000 But they're beautiful.

02:33:15.000 I see that.

02:33:17.000 Yeah.

02:33:17.000 They're fascinating.

02:33:18.000 I see that.

02:33:18.000 They're absolutely fascinating.

02:33:20.000 Yeah.

02:33:20.000 All the reptiles.

02:33:22.000 To me, when I look at them, even chickens.

02:33:24.000 You know, I have chickens.

02:33:25.000 Even chickens.

02:33:26.000 I see my chickens.

02:33:27.000 I see something that existed just millions of years ago.

02:33:30.000 Some weird life form.

02:33:32.000 We just think it's normal because we get eggs from them and they go...

02:33:36.000 We've all seen chickens.

02:33:38.000 We've all seen it.

02:33:38.000 It seems normal.

02:33:39.000 That's not normal at all.

02:33:40.000 What the fuck is that thing?

02:33:42.000 Some weird bird that can barely fly.

02:33:44.000 It can only get three or four feet above the ground and then it falls down.

02:33:48.000 And it's all plump and weird with dinosaur feet.

02:33:51.000 They're monsters, man.

02:33:53.000 Creepy little monsters.

02:33:53.000 And they just live from fear.

02:33:54.000 They just run from shit and peck.

02:33:56.000 Yeah, pack at everything.

02:33:58.000 Just clean up.

02:33:59.000 They just clean up everything that's around them.

02:34:00.000 And we just see them as food on legs.

02:34:02.000 It's just pure food.

02:34:03.000 You eat almost the entire fucking thing.

02:34:06.000 Yeah.

02:34:06.000 It's the most efficient food source among animals.

02:34:09.000 Well, what's efficient about chickens is that they make eggs.

02:34:12.000 And you eat the eggs every morning.

02:34:14.000 Do you do that?

02:34:14.000 Yeah, every morning.

02:34:15.000 How fresh are they?

02:34:16.000 They're incredible.

02:34:17.000 They're delicious.

02:34:18.000 Because we feed them vegetables, too.

02:34:19.000 Like, leftover vegetables, we feed them to the chickens, too.

02:34:22.000 But they're omnivores.

02:34:23.000 They eat worms.

02:34:24.000 We feed them worms sometimes.

02:34:25.000 Right.

02:34:26.000 But what people, what I didn't know, I laugh at this because I've talked about this on the podcast, people think what a fucking idiot I am that I didn't know this.

02:34:33.000 But I really didn't know until like, I don't know, a little more than a year ago maybe, that a chicken doesn't make a baby with those eggs.

02:34:40.000 That I thought, I didn't know they made an egg every day, no matter what.

02:34:44.000 I thought they only made eggs if they fuck.

02:34:46.000 They make an egg every day.

02:34:47.000 And there's no rooster.

02:34:49.000 So none of these eggs are fertilized.

02:34:51.000 So they're just food.

02:34:51.000 So they're just food machines.

02:34:53.000 They make protein.

02:34:54.000 And it doesn't hurt them at all.

02:34:56.000 Nobody gets hurt.

02:34:57.000 It's a natural process.

02:34:58.000 They do it every day.

02:34:59.000 And it's one of the best ways to acquire...

02:35:03.000 It's completely karma-free.

02:35:07.000 No one's getting hurt.

02:35:08.000 These eggs are just a natural process.

02:35:10.000 As long as they don't stack them in fucking cages.

02:35:12.000 It's disgusting when you see these corporate chicken farms.

02:35:16.000 But you can do it in your yard, is what I'm saying, and it'll give you food every day.

02:35:21.000 I ran into a friend of mine when I was there, a dude, well I shouldn't say friend, a dude that I know from jujitsu, and we were talking about, he's got a rooster, and they have eggs too, but their eggs can actually- Roosters lay eggs?

02:35:35.000 No, no, no.

02:35:35.000 They have eggs.

02:35:36.000 He has a rooster and he has two chickens.

02:35:38.000 Right.

02:35:38.000 But his chickens, he's got a whole ecosystem going on.

02:35:41.000 His chickens can make chickens.

02:35:43.000 He's got the full setup.

02:35:45.000 So with his eggs, if the rooster fucks the hens, those eggs can become chicks.

02:35:50.000 So that gets real weird.

02:35:52.000 And it's like, wow.

02:35:54.000 And it's abortion.

02:35:55.000 Well, there's balut.

02:35:57.000 That's what the Philippines eat.

02:35:58.000 The Filipinos eat.

02:36:00.000 It's like a duck embryo.

02:36:02.000 And you boil a duck embryo.

02:36:04.000 We served it on Fear Factor.

02:36:06.000 They love it.

02:36:07.000 So they cook it in the egg?

02:36:08.000 Yes.

02:36:09.000 And then they open it and eat the embryo.

02:36:11.000 Yeah, it was funny.

02:36:12.000 We served it to people on Fear Factor.

02:36:14.000 I know a lot of Filipino dudes from pool.

02:36:17.000 A lot of high-end pool players, some of the best in the world, are Filipino.

02:36:21.000 And they love Balut.

02:36:22.000 They're like, oh, give it to me, man.

02:36:24.000 I'll eat that shit.

02:36:25.000 They love Balut.

02:36:26.000 Balut's a delicacy.

02:36:27.000 Did you try it?

02:36:29.000 I don't need to eat a baby.

02:36:30.000 My friend Ross Broccoli, who's this comedian.

02:36:33.000 That's a great name.

02:36:33.000 Yeah.

02:36:34.000 He's just really...

02:36:34.000 Look this up if you can.

02:36:35.000 He should get together with Carrot Top and make a salad show.

02:36:38.000 Is there another vegetable guy?

02:36:42.000 Uh...

02:36:44.000 Well, they accidentally, at the Faneuil Hall Comedy Connection, a black woman called the club, and she said, who on the show tonight?

02:36:52.000 She was from the 1800s.

02:36:55.000 And they said, well, it's Anthony Clark, Jackie Flynn, and Greg Fitzsimmons.

02:36:59.000 And the lady goes, is Grapefruit Simmons the headliner?

02:37:02.000 Yeah.

02:37:05.000 That's a great name!

02:37:06.000 And they call me Grapefruit Simmons to this day.

02:37:08.000 All the comics in Boston call me Grapefruit Simmons.

02:37:10.000 Dude, Grapefruit Simmons.

02:37:11.000 I should have changed my name, right?

02:37:13.000 Why not?

02:37:13.000 That's a great name.

02:37:15.000 Like Emo Phillips.

02:37:17.000 I know that's not his real name.

02:37:18.000 Doesn't offend me.

02:37:19.000 Right.

02:37:20.000 Carrot Top, that's not his real name either.

02:37:22.000 Grapefruit Simmons.

02:37:23.000 Right.

02:37:24.000 But look up Ross Broccoli and Chicken Truck.

02:37:28.000 Maybe you could go out from here on out as Grape Simmons, Grapefruit Simmons, the artist formerly known as Greg Fitzsimmons.

02:37:34.000 I need something for people to talk about.

02:37:36.000 That's the kind of shit that's brilliant marketing, if you're into that kind of thing.

02:37:40.000 Right.

02:37:40.000 Just change your name every 15 years.

02:37:42.000 Right.

02:37:43.000 And have people, you know, I have to get the Twitter account, change everything.

02:37:47.000 Grapefruit Simmons.

02:37:48.000 Well, that's one of the ways that Madonna sort of stayed relevant all these years, is constantly changing.

02:37:53.000 She changed what she looked like.

02:37:54.000 She changed her hairstyle.

02:37:56.000 She changed her singing style.

02:37:58.000 But always in intervals that allowed the public to adjust.

02:38:03.000 David Bowie did the same thing.

02:38:05.000 Yeah, you're right.

02:38:06.000 David Bowie did a lot of that.

02:38:08.000 He did some weird shit, man.

02:38:09.000 One time on the podcast, we played Dancing in the Street, him and Mick Jagger.

02:38:14.000 We had forgot how insane that video is.

02:38:17.000 It might be the weirdest rock and roll video of all time.

02:38:23.000 Because it's Mick Jagger and David Bowie, and they are dancing together in one of the most peculiar ways I've ever seen two men dance together.

02:38:35.000 Even rock stars that are singing songs together, and they're like, Lean in together and use one mic, you know, so they're like going face to face and singing each other's eyes.

02:38:45.000 That's not as gay as Mick Jagger and David Bowie dancing and looking at each other and like wiggling back and forth and like hopping up on like light-footed on one foot to one foot in like this weird display of maneuverability and light-footedness.

02:39:04.000 It's a very strange way of...

02:39:06.000 See, just play the video of them dancing.

02:39:08.000 Yeah.

02:39:09.000 It's one of the weirdest displays.

02:39:10.000 No, it was like Iggy Pop and Bowie and Jagger.

02:39:13.000 I mean, that whole gay thing, it was probably what, in like the early 80s?

02:39:19.000 No, earlier than that.

02:39:20.000 Maybe 70s, I think.

02:39:21.000 I think there was a lot of guys that experimented.

02:39:24.000 Yeah.

02:39:24.000 It was really accepted.

02:39:26.000 Yeah.

02:39:27.000 I think those artists, too.

02:39:29.000 There was a lot of artists that wanted to open themselves up.

02:39:32.000 They wanted to find out, what are the boundaries?

02:39:34.000 What's holding me back creatively?

02:39:37.000 Everyone's partying.

02:39:38.000 It's almost like showing an open-mindedness by trying to have sex.

02:39:43.000 There's Jagger.

02:39:44.000 Oh, in those 80s clothes.

02:39:46.000 Yeah.

02:39:46.000 Those weird...

02:39:47.000 With the cuffs, a jacket with the cuffs pulled up the forearm halfway?

02:39:50.000 Play some more of that.

02:39:51.000 Play some more of that.

02:39:52.000 That's wild.

02:39:53.000 There was a weirdness to it.

02:39:56.000 The way they were dancing around.

02:39:59.000 Yeah.

02:40:01.000 Look at them.

02:40:02.000 Look at that.

02:40:03.000 I mean, look.

02:40:04.000 David Bowie's got this weird jacket on like he's a lab assistant.

02:40:07.000 Yeah.

02:40:08.000 And Mick Jagger's got, like, high-waisted pants.

02:40:11.000 A mullet.

02:40:12.000 And they're staring at each other's eyes, singing, and they're...

02:40:15.000 Oh, he's grabbing his...

02:40:16.000 Holy shit!

02:40:17.000 Yeah, it's incredibly gay.

02:40:19.000 Whoa!

02:40:20.000 Now they're butt-to-butt singing.

02:40:22.000 Every guy grab a girl.

02:40:25.000 Everywhere around the world.

02:40:27.000 I mean, nothing wrong with that.

02:40:29.000 But what my point is is that it's very unusual behavior.

02:40:33.000 Not even that it's gay.

02:40:35.000 Because if it was gay, like openly gay, it would almost be less weird.

02:40:39.000 If there was like two guys and they had their hands on each other's hips...

02:40:42.000 And they were singing and kissing each other.

02:40:44.000 I'd go, oh, oh, I see.

02:40:46.000 That's how gay guys are.

02:40:47.000 They're gay.

02:40:48.000 They're attracted to each other.

02:40:49.000 So they're making out.

02:40:50.000 That's gay guys making out.

02:40:51.000 That's normal.

02:40:52.000 That's not normal.

02:40:53.000 What is that thing?

02:40:53.000 That weird mating dance they're doing?

02:40:55.000 I think it's like they both got to the point where they had...

02:40:59.000 They've fucked so many models and done so many three ways that the sexual energy is just pouring out and they're just, like you said, it's like a mating dad.

02:41:08.000 They're strutting it out.

02:41:09.000 It's not really about fucking each other.

02:41:12.000 It's about both of them celebrating their raw sexuality.

02:41:16.000 Yeah, well, it's weird is what it is.

02:41:18.000 It's weird sort of movement.

02:41:20.000 It doesn't even seem sexual because it doesn't represent any...

02:41:24.000 Like, when you see a woman dancing and a woman who's real sexy, one of the things that you're seeing is when a woman's dancing, you're seeing how she would fuck.

02:41:33.000 Yeah.

02:41:33.000 Like you're seeing a sensual sort of an appeal.

02:41:36.000 When a woman is like gyrating, it's very attractive.

02:41:40.000 Right.

02:41:40.000 Because what you're seeing, you're thinking of movement, you're thinking of making love, and you're thinking of like bodies touching and how good it would feel if she moved like that while she was touching you and what a turn on it would be.

02:41:51.000 Just a blow-away turnout.

02:41:53.000 That's sexy, right?

02:41:54.000 But this is weird.

02:41:56.000 This is not sexual.

02:41:57.000 Like, it's not gay.

02:41:58.000 I mean, I'm calling it gay because it's just odd.

02:42:01.000 It's more queer than gay.

02:42:03.000 But it's not gay.

02:42:04.000 Because if it was gay, they'd be like thrusting and grabbing cocks and looking at each other and holding each other and pulling clothes.

02:42:10.000 But it's just weird.

02:42:12.000 It's like they're bouncing around.

02:42:13.000 It's almost like...

02:42:14.000 Boy George, who we knew was gay, so that added a sexuality to it, because in people's minds, gay and you're just thinking about sex.

02:42:22.000 And yet, he played it like a child entertainer.

02:42:26.000 He dressed like a clown, and there was nothing he did that was sexual in any way, but he danced like that.

02:42:31.000 Really fucking sensual.

02:42:34.000 Well, Boy George was actually a good dancer.

02:42:37.000 Fuck yeah, great singer.

02:42:38.000 He was a great singer.

02:42:39.000 That song, Do You Really Wanna Hurt Me?

02:42:42.000 That was a brilliant song.

02:42:43.000 I remember when that song came out, how many dudes I knew who were angry.

02:42:49.000 Watching that video.

02:42:51.000 Really?

02:42:51.000 They got angry.

02:42:52.000 Like, you see this fucking guy?

02:42:54.000 Yeah.

02:42:54.000 Jesus Christ!

02:42:56.000 They would get mad.

02:42:57.000 Yeah.

02:42:57.000 Because Boy George was in this, like, puffy, nondescript, sort of, like, non-body outlining sort of outfit.

02:43:05.000 This little puffy outfit.

02:43:06.000 And he's, like, gyrating and moving in slowly and singing.

02:43:10.000 Kind of has makeup on.

02:43:11.000 Yeah, he's got a lot of makeup on.

02:43:13.000 And he's singing, do you really want to hurt me?

02:43:15.000 Yeah.

02:43:15.000 Do you really want to make me cry?

02:43:17.000 Yeah.

02:43:18.000 I mean, it's like, wow.

02:43:20.000 It's heavy.

02:43:21.000 It's heavy.

02:43:23.000 Yeah.

02:43:23.000 And defining, you know?

02:43:25.000 Wake me up before you go-go.

02:43:27.000 I was just going to bring that up.

02:43:29.000 I remember I was working at Papageno's when this song became popular.

02:43:34.000 I was working at Papageno's in Newton, Massachusetts.

02:43:37.000 And I was a cook there.

02:43:39.000 I was making spaghetti and whatever the fuck they sold.

02:43:43.000 And there was a girl who worked there who was in love with this guy.

02:43:47.000 And she was describing this song, Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.

02:43:51.000 And she was like...

02:43:52.000 He's so beautiful.

02:43:53.000 I can't even look at him.

02:43:55.000 He's so beautiful.

02:43:57.000 And the song is amazing.

02:44:00.000 And so, I went home that night, and I saw it on television, and I was like, that might be the gayest human that ever walked the face of the planet, and this girl can't even see it.

02:44:09.000 Right.

02:44:09.000 And she couldn't see it.

02:44:11.000 I think that damaged girls are attracted to clearly gay guys like that, because they're non-threatening.

02:44:16.000 They're friends.

02:44:17.000 Yeah.

02:44:18.000 I think that, you know, something that's that gay, you think of Liberace, and how many, like, frustrated Midwestern women would go see him in Vegas.

02:44:27.000 Right.

02:44:28.000 And actually feel something.

02:44:29.000 Well, he's the bridge between what a woman really would like a man to be and what a man really is.

02:44:35.000 You know, Bill Cosby said something really funny once.

02:44:39.000 He said, women don't want to hear what a man thinks.

02:44:42.000 Women want to hear what a woman thinks but in a deeper voice.

02:44:48.000 How brilliant is Bill Cosby?

02:44:50.000 That is such a brilliant line.

02:44:52.000 That's good.

02:44:52.000 That is a goddamn brilliant line.

02:44:54.000 Right.

02:44:55.000 But every now and then, you have a bridge, and the bridge is like a George Michael sort of a guy.

02:45:01.000 He's a beautiful man, but he's dancing around, and he's got perfect hair and earrings, two hoop earrings, and a shirt that says, Choose Life.

02:45:12.000 Yeah, right.

02:45:13.000 And a fake tan and an earring.

02:45:16.000 Yeah, you left me sleeping in my bed.

02:45:19.000 Should have been with you instead.

02:45:21.000 Wake me up.

02:45:23.000 Well, you remember a certain comedian that we know who was gay, who I don't think is out of the closet.

02:45:28.000 No.

02:45:29.000 And he used to sing.

02:45:30.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

02:45:31.000 Wake me up.

02:45:32.000 No, don't, don't, don't.

02:45:33.000 You'll give him away.

02:45:34.000 I don't give a shit.

02:45:35.000 How dare you?

02:45:36.000 Wake me up before you go-go, cause I'm nothing but a fucking homo.

02:45:41.000 Yeah.

02:45:41.000 And this guy used to sing that closet.

02:45:43.000 And this is a guy who later on blasted other comics who did homophobic stuff.

02:45:47.000 Yeah.

02:45:47.000 Well, he was a little tortured.

02:45:49.000 Very tortured.

02:45:52.000 Yeah, meanwhile, that's another perfect example of someone who just came out of the closet.

02:45:55.000 Nobody would give a fuck.

02:45:57.000 People that like you would still like you.

02:45:58.000 Yeah, you're a comedian, man.

02:46:00.000 That's why you think about that guy, Jason Collins, the basketball player who came out, and people say, that's really brave.

02:46:05.000 And you've got to stop and go, why is it so brave?

02:46:08.000 Like, a comedian can come out, an actor can come out.

02:46:12.000 In any facet of life, if you're an accountant and somebody came out, people would adjust and deal with it.

02:46:17.000 But it's brave for a basketball player because athletes...

02:46:21.000 Tend to be jocks.

02:46:24.000 Ignorant, hateful.

02:46:25.000 Guys that don't like Gaga.

02:46:26.000 They say fags a lot.

02:46:28.000 You know, Kobe Bryant said that thing.

02:46:29.000 I think it's a bigger deal to come out in that environment than it is in others.

02:46:35.000 No doubt.

02:46:35.000 It's very courageous.

02:46:37.000 And there's also the locker room element.

02:46:39.000 There's the element of the fact that these guys get together in the locker room and they're naked together.

02:46:44.000 They're showering.

02:46:46.000 Would you...

02:46:48.000 Right.

02:46:59.000 Right.

02:47:05.000 Who is in a locker and seeing all these yummy dicks.

02:47:09.000 And seeing all these dudes soaping up their cocks.

02:47:12.000 For him, him being there would really change the dynamic of the locker room if he wasn't professional.

02:47:18.000 And of course he would be professional, I understand.

02:47:20.000 But most men would be professional too if they were hanging around a woman they want to fuck.

02:47:24.000 And I'm not playing devil's advocate here.

02:47:26.000 So the fear is, oh he's going to jerk off thinking about my dick.

02:47:30.000 The fear is that he's going to fuck you while you're taking a shower.

02:47:32.000 That's the real fear.

02:47:33.000 No one thinks it's real.

02:47:35.000 No one thinks it's going to happen.

02:47:36.000 There's press outside.

02:47:37.000 It's a billion dollar arena.

02:47:39.000 They've got their own stalls.

02:47:40.000 But somehow he's going to just see your ass.

02:47:42.000 Soaping your ass up.

02:47:44.000 Like prison.

02:47:45.000 He's going to fucking hold you.

02:47:46.000 It's so amazing that that's the fear.

02:47:48.000 Because my whole thing is, if he jerks off thinking about you, you'll never know.

02:47:52.000 Unless he tells you, and then he makes it super uncomfortable.

02:47:55.000 It's just you and him, and you go back because you forgot your sneakers.

02:47:58.000 And you're like, hey, man.

02:47:59.000 Hey, man.

02:47:59.000 I just want to tell you, you know, I jerked off to you last night.

02:48:03.000 It's fucking amazing.

02:48:04.000 Have a good game.

02:48:05.000 We were together.

02:48:05.000 We were shaving.

02:48:06.000 Shave our bodies.

02:48:08.000 What?

02:48:09.000 Hey, man.

02:48:10.000 I don't want you showering behind me anymore, you fucking creep.

02:48:15.000 Well, they say, I don't want him.

02:48:16.000 He's going to be looking at my dick.

02:48:17.000 Here's a newsflash.

02:48:19.000 If you're in a shower with a bunch of other guys, they're all looking at your dick.

02:48:21.000 Like, I look at the dicks.

02:48:22.000 But it's a different thing.

02:48:24.000 Why?

02:48:25.000 Because it's not yummy and delicious to you.

02:48:27.000 You look at a dick, and you're like, well, there's something I don't want to have anything to do with.

02:48:29.000 I just look at it because it's weird.

02:48:31.000 You never see them.

02:48:32.000 I don't need to see your dick, and I don't need to do anything with it.

02:48:34.000 Thanks, take care guys.

02:48:35.000 Yeah, I saw your dick, but no big deal.

02:48:37.000 Like, in jujitsu, there's the locker room, and in the locker room, everybody takes their clothes off and showers.

02:48:43.000 It's just normal.

02:48:44.000 But is it an open shower, or there's stalls?

02:48:46.000 There's a stall, but there's only one, so we all wait in line for it, and we hop out, you see someone's dick, they grab a towel, they wrap it up, whatever!

02:48:53.000 Nobody gives a shit.

02:48:54.000 You take your clothes off, put dry ones on, you gotta see your dick.

02:48:57.000 It's just a normal part of everyday life.

02:48:59.000 But if you were there and it was by, what's the word, co-ed, and there was women in there that was changing as well, and they were hot women, and they came out naked, that would be a weird dynamic if you're sexually attracted to them.

02:49:15.000 And I'm not saying that gay people would take advantage of you or they'd be weird to you, but what I do believe about gay men, unequivocally, without a doubt, is that they're men.

02:49:26.000 And men can be great, or they can be creepy as fuck.

02:49:31.000 Both options are on the table.

02:49:32.000 But don't you think he knows he's so under the microscope as the gay guy in the shower that he would be completely controlled?

02:49:38.000 What is this bit with Tommy Segura getting some guys grabbing his dick?

02:49:42.000 Patrick Melton.

02:49:43.000 What is it?

02:49:43.000 Is it a sketch they did?

02:49:44.000 Yeah, it's called Feeding the Rabbit.

02:49:46.000 What's it about?

02:49:47.000 How long does it last?

02:49:48.000 It's two minutes.

02:49:51.000 Play it.

02:49:51.000 Okay.

02:49:53.000 It's got, what's that reverb?

02:49:57.000 That's my play music on...

02:49:59.000 It's still rebirbing.

02:50:00.000 Yeah.

02:50:01.000 Okay.

02:50:02.000 There's one meerkat nearby who doesn't have the luxury of group protection.

02:50:08.000 Tosca's very much on her own.

02:50:10.000 It's two guys sitting on a couch watching a nature show.

02:50:13.000 She's been shunned by the rest for so long that it's likely she'll never be allowed to join her family again.

02:50:18.000 Time to feed the rabbit.

02:50:20.000 Her solitude is final.

02:50:22.000 Feeding the rabbit.

02:50:23.000 It's just time to feed the rabbit.

02:50:26.000 So he pops, puts the toes back in, and they both get up.

02:50:32.000 Tells Tom to take off his hat.

02:50:44.000 They're looking at each other in the eyes.

02:50:49.000 Toe to toe.

02:50:51.000 Tom looks like he's about to puke.

02:50:53.000 And this guy, this guy is like making, who's the other dude?

02:50:56.000 Patrick Melton of Nobody Likes Onions.

02:50:58.000 He's making like these horrible faces.

02:51:00.000 Carlos, this looks like an opportunity.

02:51:03.000 Like he's orgasmed.

02:51:05.000 Yeah.

02:51:06.000 Nodding his head menacingly.

02:51:09.000 Maniacal eye contact.

02:51:12.000 Deference.

02:51:15.000 Shame.

02:51:18.000 Understanding.

02:51:21.000 Regret.

02:51:23.000 Tom's closing his eyes.

02:51:25.000 He's shaking his head no.

02:51:26.000 He doesn't like it.

02:51:28.000 God, how long has this been?

02:51:31.000 Confusion.

02:51:32.000 Yeah, this is really a visual bit.

02:51:34.000 We're not doing this thing any justice.

02:51:36.000 But the descriptions are hilarious.

02:51:39.000 So he's making this crazy...

02:51:42.000 And they're both grabbing their dicks.

02:51:44.000 They're grabbing each other's dicks.

02:51:46.000 And they're smushing them.

02:51:47.000 I know.

02:51:48.000 Oh, they're grabbing the dicks with the underwear outside of the pants.

02:51:53.000 Toast re-pops.

02:51:55.000 And then when the toast pops up, they're done.

02:51:57.000 That's when they end it.

02:51:58.000 It isn't just beautiful.

02:52:00.000 It means that rain has fallen.

02:52:01.000 And they're sitting down, they're not going to talk about it.

02:52:04.000 They don't get the test.

02:52:07.000 Who the fuck thinks of that?

02:52:10.000 That is an unbelievably weird sketch.

02:52:12.000 That's like, you know how that sketch started?

02:52:14.000 I want to grab this guy's dick.

02:52:15.000 I'm going to write a sketch.

02:52:17.000 They went for it though, man.

02:52:20.000 They took it deep.

02:52:21.000 And they didn't just take it deep.

02:52:23.000 They hung in there.

02:52:25.000 For a long time.

02:52:26.000 You know what's weirder than grabbing the dick is the eye contact from four inches away the whole time.

02:52:32.000 Yeah.

02:52:33.000 I guess, though, if you were gay, that'd be hot.

02:52:35.000 Right.

02:52:36.000 Yeah, a gay guy would watch that and he goes, what's so funny?

02:52:38.000 This is hot as fuck.

02:52:39.000 Yeah.

02:52:40.000 These two bears jerking each other off when the toast pops up.

02:52:42.000 I love it.

02:52:43.000 Bears!

02:52:44.000 I know, bears.

02:52:46.000 That's my second favorite sexual Tom Segura video.

02:52:50.000 My other one's the one with him and Bert Kreischer where they're shaving each other with no shirts on.

02:52:54.000 Yeah.

02:52:55.000 You know, I met Bert Kreischer for the first time in Montreal.

02:52:59.000 Oh, really?

02:53:00.000 You didn't know Bert?

02:53:00.000 I don't know how.

02:53:01.000 We were both looking at each other like, how did we never fucking meet?

02:53:03.000 He's a great guy.

02:53:04.000 Yeah.

02:53:04.000 He's fun, man.

02:53:05.000 He's a fun dude.

02:53:06.000 He's a different kind of guy.

02:53:08.000 He's like a great party starter host type guy.

02:53:11.000 He's a different kind of guy.

02:53:12.000 He's got his own little thing going on, Bert Kreischer.

02:53:14.000 Should I have him on my podcast?

02:53:15.000 Fuck yeah.

02:53:16.000 Bert, if you're out there, email me.

02:53:18.000 He's awesome.

02:53:20.000 He's awesome.

02:53:20.000 He's got some hilarious stories, too.

02:53:23.000 Yeah.

02:53:23.000 Did you see the video of him and Ralphie Mae on stage recently?

02:53:26.000 Yeah, it made me sad.

02:53:27.000 It made me sad.

02:53:28.000 They both have their shirt off and they're singing songs.

02:53:30.000 It's like...

02:53:31.000 Okay, boys.

02:53:33.000 You guys need a hug?

02:53:34.000 What's going on here?

02:53:35.000 I just talked to Ralphie Mae the other day.

02:53:37.000 Still not smoking the weed or anything like that.

02:53:39.000 He's not?

02:53:40.000 He's not smoking weed?

02:53:41.000 I don't think so.

02:53:42.000 He was...

02:53:42.000 Are you sure?

02:53:43.000 You know who's back?

02:53:44.000 Brian Posehn, welcome back, bitch!

02:53:46.000 Yes.

02:53:46.000 Welcome back.

02:53:47.000 Oh, that's right.

02:53:48.000 I had him on the podcast, and we caught him right when he was done.

02:53:52.000 He wasn't smoking any weed.

02:53:56.000 He was taking a big break.

02:53:57.000 He was trying to get his shit together.

02:53:58.000 I think, though, he's one of those dudes that, much like your friend MC Chris, he just went off the pot deep end.

02:54:06.000 Right.

02:54:06.000 Gotta catch your breath, refocus, shake it off.

02:54:11.000 Right.

02:54:12.000 Live a sober life for a while, and then slowly get back in with a more defined sense of parameters.

02:54:18.000 Yeah, especially when you have a young kid.

02:54:20.000 I think he's really into his kid, and I think it was probably affecting that on some level.

02:54:24.000 Even if it wasn't, you feel like it is.

02:54:27.000 Well, especially if you're using it as an escape, which sometimes guys do, especially in stressful situations where it's like maybe having a kid or worrying about your career.

02:54:36.000 There's people that will use it to, instead of dealing with their situation, they'll sort of hide behind the pot.

02:54:42.000 They'll start smoking pot all the time and avoid dealing with things they need to deal with.

02:54:47.000 That is a possibility, too.

02:54:48.000 So you can use pot actively or passively.

02:54:51.000 You know, you could fuck up with anything, man.

02:54:53.000 That's what I think.

02:54:54.000 I think it's Grapefruit Simmons.

02:54:57.000 That's the cover.

02:54:58.000 I love it.

02:55:00.000 It's the cover of your next CD. That's fucking great.

02:55:03.000 Whoever made that, who made that?

02:55:04.000 Give them some prompts.

02:55:06.000 Falling Ardor, maybe?

02:55:07.000 Falling Ardor.

02:55:08.000 Yeah, I've told that story before, and yeah, I've had a couple fans send me artwork.

02:55:13.000 Oh, that's funny.

02:55:14.000 I got one up on the wall in my office.

02:55:16.000 That's the one that's on the wall in my office.

02:55:18.000 Yeah, that's hilarious.

02:55:21.000 Oh, that's so funny.

02:55:22.000 That's a good one, too, because that looks like your face.

02:55:25.000 That's got sort of a...

02:55:27.000 That's really similar.

02:55:28.000 Drawing at a fair.

02:55:29.000 That is really funny.

02:55:31.000 So, yeah, I need a new brand.

02:55:33.000 That's what I'm going to do.

02:55:34.000 I'm going to change it to Grapefruit Simmons.

02:55:36.000 How often are you doing your podcast?

02:55:37.000 You put it out every week?

02:55:39.000 Twice a week for four years now.

02:55:41.000 Wow.

02:55:41.000 How many episodes do you have?

02:55:43.000 400 or so.

02:55:45.000 But the back ones you have to get the premium membership for.

02:55:47.000 I think the first 20 are free, the most recent, and then the back ones are premium membership.

02:55:53.000 And you have your show on Sirius airs at what time?

02:55:56.000 At 7 o'clock on the West Coast on Howard 101 on Monday nights.

02:56:01.000 And that's been going on for a long fucking time.

02:56:03.000 Six years?

02:56:03.000 Six years.

02:56:04.000 I think I was first on like five years ago.

02:56:06.000 You were like my first or second guest.

02:56:08.000 Really?

02:56:09.000 Yeah, it was fucking great.

02:56:10.000 Oh wow, that's cool.

02:56:11.000 Yeah, and it was back when we hadn't hung out much.

02:56:15.000 We just hadn't been in each other's radar for a while and it was like this connection.

02:56:19.000 It was like, fuck man, that was like electric.

02:56:22.000 It was so good just focused talking for an hour.

02:56:25.000 Yeah, thank God for podcasts and radio shows and shit where people can just sit down and shoot the shit.

02:56:31.000 Like I was saying to someone on Twitter the other day, someone who was saying they liked the podcast, I was saying, I love doing it too because one of the benefits for me, besides knowing that people are enjoying it, is that I get to have these conversations.

02:56:44.000 Like, how often would we have the time to sit down for three hours and just shoot the shit?

02:56:48.000 No cell phone calls.

02:56:50.000 Nothing.

02:56:50.000 No checking.

02:56:51.000 Nobody here in this room has checked a fucking text since we started.

02:56:55.000 No, nothing.

02:56:56.000 And I think that makes for a good break, and it also makes for a deep, intense conversation that maybe you wouldn't have the time to do otherwise.

02:57:05.000 Fuck yeah.

02:57:06.000 I mean, how many of your opinions...

02:57:07.000 Like, my opinions to me are...

02:57:09.000 That's who I am.

02:57:11.000 And the only way you're going to get ones that are legitimate are to go deeply into it with somebody, a couple people that you respect.

02:57:19.000 Yeah.

02:57:19.000 And just...

02:57:20.000 And challenge each other.

02:57:21.000 Fuck around.

02:57:22.000 See what's up.

02:57:23.000 Greg Fitz Show on Twitter.

02:57:24.000 Follow him, you dirty fucks.

02:57:26.000 That was three hours, dude.

02:57:27.000 That was fast as shit.

02:57:29.000 Blast.

02:57:29.000 It's 3.23 already.

02:57:30.000 It's crazy.

02:57:30.000 Don't forget Phoenix coming out there on the 15th and the 17th.

02:57:34.000 Stand Up Live.

02:57:35.000 One of the best clubs in the country.

02:57:36.000 And when is your special coming out?

02:57:38.000 August 18th on Comedy Central at midnight.

02:57:40.000 It is Life on Stage, my one-hour special.

02:57:43.000 I can't wait to see it.

02:57:44.000 I know it's going to be hilarious.

02:57:45.000 I saw that material in Seattle and San Francisco.

02:57:48.000 It was fucking hilarious.

02:57:49.000 Thanks, man.

02:57:49.000 Really, really funny shit.

02:57:50.000 I appreciate it.

02:57:51.000 Our sponsor for today, LegalZoom.com.

02:57:54.000 Go there, use the code name ROGAN, save yourself some cash, and LegalZoom is not a law firm, you fucks.

02:58:00.000 They provide self-help service at your specific direction.

02:58:03.000 Holla at your boy.

02:58:04.000 Also, Onnit.com.

02:58:05.000 That's O-N-N-I-T. Use the code name ROGAN and save 10% off any and all supplements.

02:58:11.000 I got some other shit going on this week, folks.

02:58:13.000 I think we'll be back Friday late afternoon.

02:58:16.000 I will let you know soon.

02:58:18.000 And all those podcasts that you see on the TV show, people have been asking me, those are real podcasts.

02:58:24.000 They look like people that go to the fake podcast, hurt my soul.

02:58:26.000 They're actually real podcasts.

02:58:28.000 That's the only way we were willing to do it.

02:58:29.000 Duncan and I did real podcasts, and they will be released as podcasts eventually.

02:58:35.000 But until the show stops airing, it'll all just be recorded.

02:58:40.000 We got it, though.

02:58:41.000 Don't worry.

02:58:41.000 Alright, we'll see you guys soon.

02:58:42.000 Thanks for all the love.

02:58:43.000 Big kiss.

02:58:44.000 Big hug.

02:58:45.000 Big love.

02:58:46.000 See ya.

The Joe Rogan Experience - August 08, 2013

Joe Rogan Experience #382 - Greg Fitzsimmons

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