David Cho is a stand-up comic, actor, comedian, podcaster, and podcaster. He has been on the Tonight Show with Seth Meyers, The Office with Seth, and The Office Live with Conan O'Brien. He's also known as David Cho, David Cho 69, and David Cho 1, and he's a good friend of mine. We talk about how he got his start in comedy, and what it's like being a Korean-American in Los Angeles. He also talks about being a podcaster and how he came up with the name "David Cho" and why he thinks it's a pretty cool name. And we talk about a lot of other stuff, too, like how he thinks he should be on a TV show, and why it would be a good idea to do it on a reality TV show. We also talk about why he doesn't like the idea of having a "real" name, and how much money it takes to live up to his name, which is pretty cool in his opinion. Also, he's not a bad guy, and I think he's funny, so that's pretty cool too. Thank you to David Cho for coming on the pod and for being on The Tonight Show and being on the standup show, Standup Comedy, and we hope you enjoy this episode. We really appreciate it! XOXO, John Rocha -Jon Sorrentino . Jon Tom Jason Ben Jake David Cho John Smith Joe Rogan Chad Sarah Matt Tim Jack Mike Brian Justin Will Chris Ryan Andrew Alex Michael Matthew Sam Adam Evan Brad James Julian Mark Peter Shook Luke Dave Kevin Patrick Chelsie Jared Shane Josh Nick Thanks to: Zachary Jordan Austin Kiyos Jacob Paul Christian Kyle Daniel Corey Andrey Chans Brandon Travis Tyler Johnny Stephen Bryan Carl Thank You Robert Taylor
00:02:59.000If you were on a television show and you were one of the guest stars on the television show, that would be listed in Wikipedia, most likely.
00:03:45.000Anyway, this episode of the podcast is brought to you neither by The Jay Leno Show, nor by any of the other David Cho's, or any of the other Joe Rogans.
00:05:19.000Don't do it through stamps.com though.
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00:05:39.000And we have personal experience with this company because this is exactly how Brian sends out his t-shirts.
00:05:45.000So t-shirts from deskwad.tv, which are all Brian's original art.
00:05:50.000He sends those out through Stamps.com.
00:06:50.000Although they're these strange shapes, we had to make sure that we kept it balanced.
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00:07:13.000I injected myself and ran across the border from Tijuana to the US. It was amazing.
00:07:24.000The Tijuana police even stopped us and they looked at us and they're like, what are you idiots doing?
00:09:17.000And he used to come to my Taekwondo school and he would just like straight ask you how you would kill somebody if you were going to kill somebody.
00:09:26.000He had a crude martial arts background.
00:12:05.000Because you see it in prison movies, and you're like, we need to show, you know, it's the most embarrassing, humiliating thing you could do to a man.
00:12:12.000Hey, we're supposed to start some music, but let's not.
00:12:34.000Okay, so you're trying to ultimately beat me physically and then humiliate me, but then you still have to get your dick hard to get it into my butthole.
00:12:44.000Yeah, it's an odd thing to be proud of.
00:12:47.000I think if you're a man and you're doing that, there's a lot of those guys that have probably been molested.
00:15:10.000You got two people now taking their minds to separate places.
00:15:13.000You got the guy getting raped trying to think of anything but getting raped, and you got the rapist trying to think of something to get him hard to rape the guy.
00:16:15.000And when he came out, he came out years later.
00:16:18.000He didn't want to tell everybody he was in jail, so he had this crazy story about being away and helping somebody out or something like that.
00:16:25.000And then eventually he just confessed.
00:16:27.000But then getting to know him, he was a totally different person.
00:16:31.000All of a sudden I had to realize, oh, the last guy, he's not here anymore.
00:17:33.000You go in as a black guy, there's the blacks.
00:17:36.000You go in the Mexican, there's the Mexican gangs.
00:17:37.000You go in the whites, you join the Aryan whatever.
00:17:41.000I have a friend that's Japanese, a little Japanese guy that went to jail.
00:17:44.000And then there's not enough Asians in jail where they just all have to, you know, you have to be friends with the Chinese, the Japanese, the Thai, the Filipino.
00:18:02.000So if everyone likes Asian chicks then male rapists want Asian dudes?
00:18:08.000Dude if you're in jail and you're fucking white dudes and hairy afro buttholes and Mexicans and then like a I guess I kinda see your point.
00:18:48.000I've been maybe five times, most of them like just a week or a day, and then the Japan thing where I was for three months, but never more than a few months, you know?
00:21:13.000I do it to give myself something that's very difficult to do.
00:21:17.000Because I think that as a person, oftentimes, We have a lot of intensely built up stress because of the nature of average everyday life in comparison to the nature of ancient...
00:23:19.000And so, to have, like, you, Kevin Smith, Anthony Bourdain, Howard Stern, like, all these guys, like, let me be on the shows and interview them, like, A, I get...
00:26:02.000It goes from retardedly nervous, like, I can't, like, I get filled with, and one of the main things that people say about me is, like, I interrupt people or I say like too much, but it's because I have so much, it's all in me, and, like,
00:27:03.000The Nerdist, they broadcast from Meltdown, and they had all these writers writing shit, and I think they do that for The Stern Show too, and I'm like, this is crazy!
00:27:13.000They like preparing, they, you know, and so for me, I don't do any of that shit.
00:27:18.000I just show up, I turn the mics on, and I start talking for like 10 hours straight, because I usually do four podcasts back to back, but it fills me with such nervous energy, and it takes me a second where that nervous, I puke it out first, then I calm down, And then in the same way where people are like,
00:27:34.000oh, when they see me paint, they're like, oh, I could do that because I make it look easy or whatever.
00:27:40.000I do the show with Joe and then I'm like, I think I could kick the shit out of Joe.
00:27:58.000I think there's two types of podcasts.
00:28:00.000There's like the Dan Carlin type podcast, which we were talking about last night with Wayne Fetterman, who's a buddy of mine, who's a hilarious comedian, who became a fan of that Hardcore History podcast.
00:28:11.000But it's not really a podcast the same way this is.
00:28:14.000It's more like an audio book, like a lecture, a brilliant, entertaining lecture on history.
00:28:23.000That's like a preparatory thing or a preparation thing, but what we do is essentially it's done best when it's like, who is David Cho today?
00:28:46.000A guy like you, you know, the only way, we were talking about this before we even started, but about people wanting to do something with you, oh, we get you, David Cho.
00:29:07.000You're telling me to do this, and I want to do that, and you're telling me I can't swear, and I can't say that, and I shouldn't say this, and that'll stop them from advertising, you know, hiccups.
00:29:16.000This to me is the most perfect media to express myself when I'm not painting or doing anything.
00:29:35.000I'm not that smart where I'm going to actually inform you about anything.
00:29:40.000I just know that I have a feeling When I isolate myself, when I'm a bit of a recluse and I don't go out, that the evil thoughts start coming in and I start feeling like a weird person.
00:29:53.000And I'm like, does anyone else feel like this or is it just me?
00:29:56.000And a lot of times it is just me, but I get all...
00:30:01.000And so then I go see a therapist and I'm like, I don't even know if this is for me.
00:30:04.000So for me, the podcast is me and my friends bullshitting.
00:30:07.000I talk about shit I know, fucking art...
00:30:10.000hanging out this and that and then I could just verbal diarrhea all my problems out and you could listen or you could not listen but by me doing that I'm exercising my demons and you could relate or not relate go this guy's a weirdo or or not and I can only I can only talk about what I what I know and I I'll give you an example I just,
00:30:31.000for the first time in four years, had my first art show.
00:31:28.000But immediately after the art show, and actually it's still up if anyone's in Mexico City and wants to see it, it's at the Museum del Chopo, and it's called Snowman Monkey Barbecue.
00:32:51.000You look like a giant eagle-looking thing.
00:32:53.000Yeah, I mean, it's everything I saw in Mexico, everything that I felt, and I just, you know, and I'm confident at this point in my life to paint, you know.
00:33:02.000When I was younger, I would see something in my head, And the hand-eye coordination of like...
00:33:07.000It wouldn't look exactly how I saw it.
00:33:09.000Now I can make exactly what I see in my head come out, so...
00:33:37.000A year earlier, with Anthony Bourdain and David Chang, and there's a food symposium in Copenhagen every year called Mad Symposium, and it's like a food conference, you know?
00:33:49.000And it's just all Michelin star chefs, like the guys that do with food, that kind of shit, you know?
00:36:45.000I wish, this is one of those days where like, you know, if you and I were not in the same room, and I'd say, well, show me what it looks like.
00:36:58.000One day, I hope that technology exists and I can actually see what you're seeing.
00:37:03.000Like, can you imagine if we found out that, like, your version of, like, various things that you're looking at is different than my version?
00:37:11.000Because you do it, and you're like, it's crazy, Dave!
00:37:14.000And I'm like, is your crazy the same thing that I'm seeing, you know?
00:37:18.000Well, it's like how much of what you impart as beauty to something is based on your own personal or cultural context.
00:37:26.000And if you could absorb another person's views.
00:37:30.000Maybe an actual visualization of something is not just the image itself, it's the emotions attached to the image automatically by the mind.
00:37:40.000And I think we all have different ones of those, which is why some dudes like girls that are really kind of overweight.
00:37:48.000You know, and some girls like really skinny guys or some, you know, it's like something triggers in you.
00:37:55.000Well, one thing when people do like dream analysis and shit, like what does it mean, this and that, one thing that I try to, that I do a lot is I overanalyze stuff.
00:38:04.000Like why did I just draw this guy's own dick going into his own butt?
00:39:38.000First of all, there's an unbelievable amount of pressure as an artist after not having a show in four years to, you know, every time I do a show, I want it to be the best show I've ever done.
00:39:47.000And this was, like, such a small amount of time to put that much art together that I was, you know, everyone's like, you fucking bitches in Mexico.
00:40:38.000When a girl shoots an ice cube up my butthole or, you know, like, or, like, when I'm laying down and then, like, five women are just giving me a massage just using their tongues, I'm like, it's not going to get better than this,
00:41:30.000So you're getting a massage, and I think it's only in Asia, and you're laying on your back, and then you go, you know, you get to the happy ending point where she gets your day card and everything, and you're like, I would like the red rope.
00:41:42.000At this point, she ties a rope, and here's the crazy part.
00:42:06.000And I've never done it before, but the guy says it feels like your dick's gonna, like you've never felt anything like that before in your life.
00:42:11.000And it feels like your dick is just gonna explode with, you know, like a neutron bomb and explosion.
00:42:18.000And then it's done, and it stops, and then it spins the other way around.
00:47:19.000If you're a dude and you're lucky enough to get a girlfriend, you're going to treat her amazing.
00:47:24.000You're going to treat her like a fucking princess.
00:47:27.000So, ladies, if you like Asian dudes, get a Chinese guy.
00:47:30.000Well, it seems like a recipe for fucking chaos because it doesn't seem like if you live like that and you only have one child and the majority of them are men, first of all, it doesn't feel like that's sustainable, but it feels like people are going to be so unhappy.
00:47:43.000People are going to be so crazy and unhappy.
00:47:45.000Well, one answer is to get this book called Akama Sutra and learn some tantric shit so you don't fucking come inside and have so many goddamn babies, you know?
00:47:53.000That's not going to help at this point.
00:47:54.000At this point, it seems like when you have that situation already in place where you're only allowed to have one kid, so you have this excess of males and this completely imbalanced setup, whenever you have imbalance like that, it creates unrest.
00:54:37.000And it's like, it's sort of like suicide to just keep openly talk about.
00:54:41.000But the freaky chicks that listen to me, they hear me say a story like this, and then they're like, oh, I'll fucking, I'll do some shit to him that he's never.
00:54:50.000Why would you say it's suicide to talk about things like this?
00:54:55.000There was a girl that I really liked a long time ago when I did a different podcast called Kareem's Gone Bad.
00:56:23.000And I get it because I know some famous people that do fuck a lot and they say this shit like you're getting dangerously close to start sucking dick.
00:58:58.000I look at married people, I go, I want that.
00:59:01.000I look at this and that, but I go, at the end of the day, when I do the math part, the Asian math part, I'm like, my life is so fucking awesome.
00:59:09.000Whatever that next 20% to fill up that, to make it a 100% whatever, has to be so fucking amazing that I'm going to fucking risk what I have right now, you know?
00:59:21.000So there's parts of my life that I'm like, oh shit, you know.
01:03:39.000And she did this weird move that we talk about on our show all the time, which is black people, when they have sex with Asa, they never take their shoes off or their socks off.
01:04:33.000All of a sudden, the show became a relationship advisor, David Cho.
01:04:36.000And one night, because she loves drinking, she's a hard-drinking Mexican, sloppy, we're having sloppy sex, and she goes, you like my little piece?
01:07:42.000Hey, Joe, I think that the girl that's like that, what it is, it's like right on the top of the penis, some girls have this little thing that comes out, and it looks like a little baby kid's finger.
01:09:33.000No, Greg Fitzsimmons has a very funny joke about if he was trapped on a deserted island and he'd get to pick his wife or one of his friends, he would go, I would take a guy.
01:10:19.000If you were at that point where you're rubbing buttholes and you're telling a chick, like, look, baby, we were on that island for ten years.
01:10:25.000The worst I did is rub buttholes with her.
01:10:27.000She'd be like, why don't you just suck each other off?
01:12:18.000When it comes to Thai massages, no, when they step on your back especially, that is pretty intense shit.
01:12:24.000I went to one once and this lady was standing on either side of my back and she had her hands clamped on my wrist and had my arms like stretched back and she was just walking up and down my back and I was like, wow!
01:13:41.000So this one dude who was a friend of a friend who had a problem with his shoulder is like, I'm telling you, man, this dude changed the way my body moved.
01:14:04.000I think it's called a pressure release or point release or something like that style of massage where you would just fucking trigger release.
01:14:12.000They would just pinch down on these muscles and pull it across.
01:14:54.000Well, it's like I had a problem of getting boners every time I got a massage, no matter what, just because I loved someone touching me like that.
01:15:05.000You remember the Seinfeld where George is like, I think it moved?
01:15:09.000So I'm like, I don't even want to mistakenly get a boner, but I was like, whatever.
01:15:13.000It was like an old Eastern European guy.
01:18:13.000And cut really short and just fat and old, like a grandma old.
01:18:18.000And she was dressed up, totally changed clothes.
01:18:21.000I heard somebody go to the bathroom, so that means she went into the bathroom and washed herself, you know, and stuff like that, because she smelled like this perfume.
01:19:35.000I'm really good now at like what you said like when uncomfortable like shit like that I would be bad at leaving because yeah but like now I walk out of movies I walk out of massages.
01:19:46.000I'm just like I'm not into this anymore and I just get up and I leave.
01:19:49.000I should have done that yeah it ended really bad and then when she flipped me over she just kept on like touching my dick and I'm like no like this and stuff like that and then she finally gave up.
01:19:58.000And then left, and then came in and watched me.
01:20:00.000Gave up like you didn't get hard for her?
01:21:05.000So this is a place I've been going to for 10 years.
01:21:09.000Not that much, but, you know, every time I know that I just want a regular massage, I know that some chick that looks like my mom or my aunt is going to give me a great massage, and then I'm done, you know?
01:21:20.000But I haven't been back for a few years.
01:26:18.000And I'm like, you know, does this lady, when she goes to the supermarket and she buys the saran wrap, does the lady know what she's going to use it for when she brings it home and the kids are like, Grandma, why do you buy so much saran wrap every week?
01:27:43.000It's like, that experience was so important and so funny, and there's so few people that would express it with the same kind of honesty and glee that you do it with, that it's almost like a disservice to mankind if you decide to settle down.
01:28:00.000And anybody who wants to stop your podcast is a cultural criminal.
01:28:04.000Well, this is what I see after traveling a lot.
01:28:07.000This is what I see in Chinese and Italian culture.
01:28:10.000And it's like, in this society, there's a lot of crying, oh my god, my husband cheated on me!
01:28:15.000It's like, yeah, that's just sort of what guys do.
01:28:17.000There's sort of almost like an acceptance in China and Italy, where you got your guma and you got your wife, as long as you're...
01:28:25.000Handjobs and girlfriend shit doesn't fuck with your family.
01:28:28.000It's almost like an understanding of the wife knows you're gonna go get massage parlor handjobs or have a girlfriend, and it's like, just don't put it in my face.
01:29:00.000I mean, is it the sexual puritanism of America, where people would judge you on you being a nice person, you having fun, and just having these experiences which are readily out there for a lot of people, that somehow or another it's perhaps...
01:30:01.000You know, you're not supposed to judge other cultures, right?
01:30:04.000And I get there, and I'm staying with a guy who runs, like, all the networks in Afghanistan, Saad Mohseni, and he's letting us crash at his place, and everyone's like, oh man, it's so backwards out there, like, the girls, they wear the burkas,
01:30:53.000It's like, the reason why the Taliban has no problem getting female suicide bombers is because your life is miserable if you're a woman in fucking Afghanistan.
01:31:11.000We had two girls that are Westerners so they didn't have to wear the full burqa but they still had to cover their hair and wear jeans and long sleeve shirts or whatever.
01:32:49.000Well, whether it does or it doesn't, it's all about control, but when you see that control implemented on people, there's always a rebound from it.
01:32:58.000There's some crazy reaction to it, some fanatical, explosive reaction to it.
01:33:04.000Yeah, we have a very real, natural, built-in response to someone trying to control us.
01:33:10.000And we either go with it full-heartedly and make it like it's our idea, or we rebel against it and we hate it and we go the exact opposite direction, like Catholic schoolgirls who become sluts.
01:34:21.000When you're dealing with things like rubber vaginas or fake boxes that you stick your dick into and they gyrate, you know it's fake.
01:34:28.000Even though it's enjoyable, it's a pleasurable sexual experience, it's removed from the sexual experience of having sex with a real woman.
01:34:36.000That's not going to be the case 50 years from now.
01:34:39.00050 years from now, they're going to have robotics down to the point where they can have a real, bona fide, artificial woman who's warm and feels fucking amazing and is the hottest chick you've ever seen on the planet Earth.
01:34:51.000And you can have 10 of them in a warehouse charging by solar.
01:34:59.000But overpopulation is most certainly a bad thing.
01:35:03.000But one of the worst parts about it is that there's a depletion of resources and this sort of diminishing of the value of a human being when there's too many people.
01:35:12.000I think about L.A. and I think about a lot of places and it's one of the worries that I have about China is the volume.
01:35:22.000My personal experience is I've lived in small towns and I've lived in really big places.
01:35:28.000I've seen there's a different way that human beings treat each other when they don't see each other as often, there's less of them, they have more camaraderie.
01:35:35.000There's a number that becomes unmanageable.
01:36:07.000You're like, wow, because you're like a guy running through a city and it feels like virtual reality.
01:36:12.000But, like you said, the guy still looks a little pixelated and the facial features, you know, they do like the stubble, but it looks still like a computer.
01:36:23.000I don't know what this says about me, but when I would kill hookers in Grand Theft Auto, the bodies don't disappear as long as you keep shooting them.
01:36:30.000So I would just stand over the hookers and keep shooting their vaginas.
01:36:37.000Well, my little nephew walked in, because there was a time when I got out of prison and I didn't have a place to live, so I stayed with my cousin.
01:36:46.000I would play like Mickey Mouse and the little kid video games.
01:36:49.000And then when they went to sleep, I'd play Grand Theft Auto.
01:37:20.000There'll be no glitches where it looks like a computer.
01:37:23.000And so if you're in the game raping, killing, pillaging...
01:37:27.000That's going to fuck with your head even more.
01:37:29.000When I played Grand Theft 2nd, 3rd one, after a day of just killing non-stop, I'd walk outside and just feel weird.
01:37:37.000But at least I knew it was still a video game.
01:37:40.000Brian, there were some images that somebody posted in the Duncan Trussell thread on the Rogan board about another new technology that was akin to the NVIDIA technology that looks absolutely insane.
01:40:59.000And there's more pressure for women because it's like you have a window to just do all this shit.
01:41:04.000You have a window to do all this shit in and there's a freak out of being this one person that all these people are focusing on that is so completely unnatural.
01:41:38.000So when I date a chick that she's like, you've got to quit the podcast, I'm like, that's sort of, like, fuck you, bitch, but then also, like, that's sort of a good instinct.
01:41:46.000But, you know, there's people that it works out, like Tom Segura and his wife, Christina Pazitsky.
01:46:02.000Another possibility is she decided to tell you that it was a joke because you were pressing the issue and you wanted to talk about it a lot and that was the best way for her.
01:53:00.000What's worse is when they have catfish whiskers, and in certain lights you can see it, and you're like, ugh.
01:53:05.000It's like, but see, what we're doing now is that episode of Seinfeld when he finds the one thing wrong, like the chick has the big hands or whatever, and it's like, you know, I had sex with this girl.
01:54:15.000Pornography became really prevalent and then along the way people started looking at the aesthetic of male balls covered in hair that creeps all the way up to your asshole and girls with giant crazy bushes that go to the inside of their thighs and they just decided to make alterations on porn and then people,
01:54:32.000whether they admit it or not, are massively affected by pornography.
01:54:36.000And then the shift happened where, I mean, there's a good percentage of the population of this country at least that trims their hair basically based on the aesthetic that porn established.
01:55:20.000You need to not let it get to that point.
01:55:22.000Well, Joe, because I've been naked around lots of different men in different countries because of prison or whatever, it's like, yes, when I was homeless here in America and I was showering at 24-Hour Fitness, then I'm like...
01:55:36.000In a giant shower with a bunch of men and like, yeah, for the most part, you look down for a second and you're like, well, people shave their shit.
01:58:37.000Ninja's one of probably the most creative people.
01:58:41.000He'll do a song and like he goes and then the part goes like this and he'll sing every part of the song and he goes and then the music video is going to go like this and then he'll act out everyone's part in the music video and what the lighting is going to look like and down to the costumes and there's going to be a lion and this and...
01:58:58.000Do you ask for this or does this just like happen in the middle of a conversation?
01:59:01.000He goes, he goes, can I tell you like a quick story?
02:03:04.000When we were in Belfast, you're driving around and they have these cop cars that have bulletproof windows and these giant metal plates and bombproof shielding all over the car.
02:03:17.000The cop cars are designed to absorb bombs.
02:07:18.000Here's my recommendation in this area.
02:07:21.000If you really think about doing it, if you want to do it and you want the same kind of thrill, you can get a very similar thrill from doing a jiu-jitsu match.
02:07:27.000Or just getting your butthole licked by old ladies?
02:08:14.000I've had a lot of head trauma, and it all, for the most part, still works.
02:08:17.000My memory's going to shit a little bit, but aside from that, I can fucking, for the most part, function.
02:08:23.000Listen, if you're willing to take this chance and possibly alter the way your mind works...
02:08:29.000If you're going to be intelligent about it, because you're an intelligent guy, what you would want to do is dedicate yourself to martial arts first.
02:08:34.000Before you ever actually do it, and it's going to take a long time, you're going to have to learn how, first of all, to defend yourself, and B, you're going to have to learn to be proficient in something.
02:09:24.000Because your body develops as a young man, understanding how to pin someone, understanding how to grapple and get gable grips and how to use your hips to sprawl.
02:11:19.000When you look back on what turned you into who you are today, this sort of wild dude, do you have any one thing that stands out as being the I don't give a fuck anymore moment?
02:11:50.000Going to some place where every girl rejects you, and then within your own family, having this insane sex drive where just everyone just catches me jerking off all the time.
02:12:02.000Well, don't you think, though, that when you're really young and your life is really fucked up?
02:12:05.000I mean, the humiliation, like, oh my god, my mom just saw the tip of my dick hard.
02:12:10.000But don't you think that when you're, like, really young and really stressed out and really fucked up that that's almost like a natural way to blow off the steam?
02:12:17.000Like, dudes who are troubled almost always jerk off a lot.
02:14:36.000I mean, it's just part of MMA. I appreciate your concern, and this is something I'm probably not going to do, but just wanted to throw it out to see.
02:14:55.000I've seen it happen not just from MMA, but I have a friend who got hit in the head with a golf ball and he wasn't the same for almost a year.
02:15:01.000He said for like six months he was fucked.
02:16:13.000You were so right when it came to not doing MMA. I'm not saying that anybody should not do MMA. I think that if you're going to take risks...
02:16:21.000It's ridiculous to take risks that have within them the possibility of massive trauma and not do it correctly.
02:16:30.000Like, you could get knocked out, obviously.
02:16:32.000Look, Anderson Silva, who's the greatest mixed martial arts fighter of all time.
02:17:16.000They asked me to be, for season two, one of the hosts.
02:17:19.000And I just got the assignment list of things, you know, of places to go, and it's every single place I could die, you know?
02:17:26.000And it's like, there's nothing about that, and I don't know what this says about me, but there's nothing about that where I'm like, oh, I'm scared of my life, or, you know, I'll go anywhere.
02:17:55.000But being in a wheelchair, you're traumatized.
02:17:58.000I would never want someone like me doing something to me that I could do to me.
02:18:03.000I would never want someone planting a fucking shin on my head the way I know I can do to somebody.
02:18:09.000I would never want someone kicking me in the body, punching me in the face the way I know I can do to somebody.
02:18:13.000I would never want someone who knows how to strangle me strangle me the way I could do to me if I didn't know what the fuck I was doing.
02:18:19.000So what I'm saying is if you are going to engage in mixed martial arts, you've got to get proficient at a martial art in order to be able to intelligently defend yourself.
02:18:28.000Because if you can intelligently defend yourself, someone who's good is going to really fucking hurt you.
02:18:32.000And there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it.
02:18:41.000No, unfortunately, I'm better at defending myself than being offensive.
02:18:45.000That's all nice and good, but if you get a guy who actually knows how to fight, you're fucked.
02:18:48.000If you're not careful and you go in there against some Division I All-American who fucking puts you on your back in three seconds and starts smashing your face with elbows from an impossibly strong body that's been throwing other bodies around its entire life, and you just thought you're being cute because you're an artist who likes to fuck chicks and you never work out,
02:19:05.000and you're like, oh, I'm just going to go in there and take an adventure.
02:19:08.000I'm like, fucking, I'm a modern-day...
02:19:23.000You're involved with someone who, you know, you have to be careful and make sure that what you should do is take another, if you really want to do this, take another person who's like you and say, hey, let's fight in a year.
02:21:33.000I've never tried to discourage anybody who wants to do something dangerous, but I just always say, if you're going to do it, remove as many variables as possible.
02:21:43.000There's always variables in a live fight.
02:21:46.000You could get hit by the first punch and your lights go out, or weird injuries.
02:21:51.000Weird things can happen, but you've got to be as prepared as possible in order to be smart about it.
02:26:56.000My mom is also like, she came to Mexico for the show, and she's just letting me know, you know, my mom had three children, me, both my brothers, I'm in the middle.
02:28:01.000And we naturally follow successful patterns of behavior because those have been...
02:28:05.000Proven to be effective, so all of our concerns and issues and insecurities sort of get ironed out in advance by other people that are successful.
02:28:12.000So when we follow the society pattern that's set up right now, the society pattern is, you know, get married, get divorced, lose all your money, get married, stay together, have a family, get married, grow apart, get married, be super happy.
02:28:27.000There's a few different possibilities that can happen to you.
02:29:18.000For people who don't know what the Facebook thing is, just in a nutshell, just spell it out real quick.
02:29:22.000That was something that I learned from gambling that I brought over.
02:29:25.000I had just gotten out of prison, and a guy named Sean Parker, who started Napster, he was 23 or 24 at the time, maybe he was 26, but he was in his young 20s, and he'd already started a couple of multi-million dollar companies, none that really made any money.
02:31:26.000And so I'm like, what am I going to do?
02:31:28.000And I just started thinking I want to start doing stand-up.
02:31:31.000So Dave Chang was like, Dave, why don't you come?
02:31:33.000I'm like, you'll be the first non-chef that's been asked to speak at a fucking chef conference of 600 of like, The top Michelin star chefs.
02:38:24.000So, yeah, I cut down a little bit on the dairy, but the stress part, a lot of it came from the gambling, from taking all these insane chances.
02:38:31.000Like, I'll tell you, like, oh, I'm going to fight some crazy killer and I might get my shit kicked in, whatever.
02:38:37.000Like, I'm cool, like, out here, but inside I'm like, oh my god, you know?
02:38:42.000Or we're going to send you to interview some Somali pirates and they might chop your head off, you know?
02:39:04.000And, you know, one of my friends, Harris Whittles, who writes for Eastbound and Down, he does stand-up too, and I said, Dude, what the fuck do I talk about?
02:39:26.000I ended up talking about how I'm in a different practice than them.
02:39:31.000You know, if you want to be successful, if you're not focused in life is to be like a family person, but if you want to be the absolute best of whatever your field is, then you have to take chances.
02:42:44.000Yeah, if you have a shit ton of money, if you have a bankroll and you know how to gamble, you could fucking knock one of those casinos out and, you know, they'll fucking...
02:43:10.000You bet with your life savings and win-win until you get to the point where you're like, oh, now I'm like those guys betting $25,000 a hand.
02:43:17.000Well, you're a smart guy, and you also know that there's some ways as a gambler, in quotes, you can sort of minimize the risks, and it's by being very intelligent about what you're doing.
02:43:27.000That's exactly what I'm telling you about MMA fighting, but with much more everlasting repercussions.
02:43:33.000Because if you get broke, you're a smart guy, you'll figure out how to get money again.
02:43:47.000Yeah, Tiago Alves in one fight could change your fucking life.
02:43:50.000That motherfucker would change the whole rest of your life with a couple of knees.
02:43:53.000It's just, you gotta make sure that if you're fighting someone that they're like you.
02:43:57.000A guy who's not necessarily a lifelong expert, maybe has a little bit of martial arts, and you gotta get good at protecting yourself against strikes.
02:45:33.000You know, there's always going to be someone better than me, but as far as I'm concerned, I'm going to do the best I can, and there's nothing...
02:45:40.000Besides painting, that's going to obsess.
02:45:42.000We had a cool conversation about work last time I was at your place.
02:45:46.000You go through these spurts sometimes.
02:45:48.000You just decide to attack and start working.
02:45:51.000I do that, but also the same way when people are like, I'm an artist.
02:45:58.000Even though I haven't painted for four years, I do something creative every day.
02:46:02.000If I had to paint for a career like living, Then I don't do the gay, like, oh, I only paint when I'm emotionally, like, moved to do it or when I feel like it.
02:46:11.000Like, whether I feel like shit, like it's a real job, I show up every day, every day, repetition, paint a horse, paint it a thousand times, it'll get better.
02:47:51.000But it's like, for success and shit like that, like especially with music or art or something creative, it's like, it's easy to be like, I only feel inspired.