The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #440

00:00:03.000 Hello, freaks.

00:00:04.000 I'm fucking multitasking right now.

00:00:06.000 As I speak to you, I am actually tweeting that we're live.

00:00:12.000 And a lot of people are like, dude, you can't do that.

00:00:15.000 And I'm like, dude, I can.

00:00:17.000 I'm fucking badass.

00:00:19.000 Not only that, I also turn the volume off on my computer at the same time.

00:00:24.000 I give zero fucks.

00:00:28.000 I really do.

00:00:30.000 Boom.

00:00:30.000 Tweet.

00:00:31.000 Then.

00:00:31.000 Done.

00:00:32.000 Done.

00:00:33.000 This episode of the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by Squarespace.

00:00:37.000 Squarespace is having a contest.

00:00:39.000 That's why we're doing two of them this week.

00:00:41.000 And what Squarespace is, is the easiest, simplest way to get a really badass website.

00:00:48.000 And when I say a badass website, I mean they look fucking completely and totally professional.

00:00:53.000 It looks like you spent a shitload of dollars doing it, but in fact, you did it yourself.

00:00:58.000 It's super easy to do.

00:01:01.000 And Squarespace is having a contest right now to sort of accentuate that because the feedback of Squarespace has been so excellent.

00:01:10.000 And their contest is, we're going to pick up to this week, January 17th it ends, and we're going to pick four of the baddest, most sweetest websites.

00:01:21.000 And for the people that have created those four baddest, sweetest websites, we're going to give them a free year of Squarespace, and we're going to send those winners a swag bag with items like Squarespace, Apple keyboard, a t-shirt, moleskin, and more.

00:01:36.000 What do they have?

00:01:36.000 Sound on their website?

00:01:37.000 How dare they?

00:01:39.000 What fucking age are they living in, these freaks?

00:01:41.000 Oh, let me put sound on my website when it opens up so that it immediately starts annoying the shit out of you.

00:01:48.000 It's a video I was playing.

00:01:50.000 You know those old school websites?

00:01:52.000 You'd go to them and they'd immediately start.

00:01:53.000 Mine used to.

00:01:54.000 MySpace.

00:01:55.000 Remember there's like five different songs going at the same time?

00:01:57.000 And glitter tags.

00:01:58.000 Don't forget glitter tags.

00:02:00.000 Poor glitter tags.

00:02:01.000 What'd you just take?

00:02:03.000 A modafinil.

00:02:05.000 You know what that is?

00:02:06.000 No.

00:02:07.000 You sure you don't want a Xanax?

00:02:08.000 No, no, no.

00:02:09.000 This is actually like speed.

00:02:11.000 Really?

00:02:12.000 Yeah.

00:02:12.000 Oh, it's just the opposite.

00:02:13.000 It's not really speed.

00:02:15.000 It's actually called Nuvagil is what it is.

00:02:18.000 I can't take that.

00:02:19.000 If I'm tired and I want to fire my brain up, I can pop one of those in.

00:02:25.000 It's actually an experiment because I tried something called Sledgling this weekend, and Jamie and I were actually just talking about it.

00:02:30.000 This guy, Dr. Mark Gordon, was here, and he gave me these...

00:02:34.000 These smart drugs.

00:02:36.000 And we tried it.

00:02:38.000 We both tried a dose of it.

00:02:41.000 Interesting.

00:02:41.000 Interesting stuff.

00:02:42.000 So I'm comparing it to this.

00:02:43.000 Did you feel more lucid?

00:02:44.000 I don't know.

00:02:45.000 I'm not sure.

00:02:46.000 I'm not sure.

00:02:48.000 You know, it's hard.

00:02:49.000 It's hard to tell.

00:02:50.000 What was the fact that I got a good eight-hour sleep?

00:02:54.000 What was the fact that I ate good food?

00:02:56.000 I think they all play a part of the thing.

00:03:00.000 To really find out, you'd have to have a baseline where you ate the exact same foods, did the exact same activities, got the exact same amount of sleep.

00:03:08.000 You'd have to have that baseline.

00:03:10.000 And then add in something.

00:03:12.000 But I take so many different nutrients, vitamins and fucking nootropics and all these different things.

00:03:17.000 With that prescription?

00:03:18.000 And that's all legal stuff.

00:03:20.000 Most of it is nutrients.

00:03:21.000 Most of it is just vitamins.

00:03:23.000 Keeping the brain sharp, Dominic.

00:03:26.000 You gotta stay on the ball, lad.

00:03:27.000 Don't you think it's amazing, man, how lethargic you are when you go on stage, all of a sudden your mind clicks into a different gear?

00:03:32.000 Well, you know.

00:03:33.000 Well, first of all, you and I are both eating dick on stage before.

00:03:36.000 That's a fucking terrible feeling.

00:03:38.000 I can't have dick without balls.

00:03:40.000 It's a side dish.

00:03:42.000 Let me get through these commercials real quick so we can just start podcasts.

00:03:46.000 Anyway, go tweet, build a website, and tweet the website, the Squarespace contest.

00:03:51.000 What are we talking about?

00:03:52.000 Squarespace, you fucks.

00:03:53.000 Pay attention.

00:03:54.000 Tweet it to hashtag JRE Squarespace before January 17th.

00:03:59.000 So go to squarespace.com, enter in the code word Joe and the number 1, which stands for where we are right now, January.

00:04:10.000 And you can save some money as well.

00:04:12.000 The thing that's beautiful about Squarespace is that you can do anything online.

00:04:18.000 If you can just, normal shit, like drag and drop and click, and if you know how to select things, you could do this.

00:04:24.000 And the way that's, it's so easy and so intuitive that they have it set up so you don't even have to enter your credit card information.

00:04:31.000 Just go there and try it.

00:04:33.000 If you like it, and you say, this is pretty badass, boom, then, from there, then, you give them some money.

00:04:40.000 But until then, you're not obligated.

00:04:43.000 Just go and give it a shot.

00:04:44.000 Use the offer code JOE and the number one.

00:04:47.000 That's JOE and the number one.

00:04:48.000 That's for a free trial and 10% off your first purchase at Squarespace.com.

00:04:55.000 What is it?

00:04:57.000 Squarespace.com?

00:04:59.000 Squarespace.com.

00:05:01.000 Hashtag JRD Squarespace.

00:05:03.000 Do you think you could do this?

00:05:05.000 You are not a real computer wizard, I'll tell you that.

00:05:07.000 You're a genius comedian, but as far as computers, I would not put you in the wizard category.

00:05:13.000 I think you could build a website on Squarespace.

00:05:16.000 We should have a contest to see if Dom Herrera could build a web space on Squarespace.

00:05:19.000 Not without alcohol.

00:05:21.000 If we got you licking up, you can figure it out.

00:05:23.000 If you had like a hot assistant, you know, maybe a hot Japanese assistant.

00:05:29.000 No, Mr. Herrera.

00:05:30.000 No, no, no, no, no.

00:05:31.000 You must have said it like this.

00:05:33.000 When my computer comes on, I go, yes!

00:05:37.000 I did it again.

00:05:38.000 My man!

00:05:39.000 I'm a wizard!

00:05:41.000 I'm a wizard!

00:05:42.000 You're wrong, baby.

00:05:44.000 We're also brought to you by Ting.

00:05:46.000 Ting is...

00:05:49.000 Squarespace and Ting are two of my favorite podcast sponsors because they're both two podcast sponsors that I haven't had a single person tell me anything bad about.

00:05:58.000 And then, of course, someone listening to this right now is like, I'll be that guy!

00:06:03.000 I'll be first!

00:06:05.000 Fuck Ting can suck my dick and Squarespace is filled with cunts!

00:06:09.000 Fuck you, Joe Rogan!

00:06:12.000 Um...

00:06:12.000 Ting is a great way to save money and use a Sprint backbone.

00:06:16.000 You don't have to worry about being on some mom-and-pop cell phone network.

00:06:19.000 They use one of the biggest cell phone networks in the country.

00:06:22.000 You know what's weird?

00:06:23.000 They're from Canada and they don't operate in Canada.

00:06:26.000 They operate in the United States.

00:06:28.000 You could roam in Canada, but they're a Canadian company that works in the United States.

00:06:31.000 Yeah, it's weird.

00:06:32.000 From Toronto, I bet.

00:06:34.000 I think.

00:06:35.000 Yeah.

00:06:36.000 Anyway, great guys.

00:06:38.000 And their idea, great gals too.

00:06:40.000 I'm sure there's some awesome gals working there.

00:06:42.000 I don't want to be sexist.

00:06:43.000 But their idea is sell you awesome cell phone service and do so in an ethical way.

00:06:48.000 A no BS mobile service, if you will.

00:06:51.000 And they have no contracts, no early termination fees.

00:06:56.000 And they even have an early termination fee relief program.

00:06:59.000 If you're paying an early termination fee to come to Ting, they will give you up to $75 back.

00:07:05.000 They will credit you 25% of your early termination fee, which is up to $75 per device.

00:07:12.000 It's really a great company.

00:07:13.000 I really like the idea behind this.

00:07:15.000 Sell you something that's really excellent and do it in a way that doesn't make you feel like you're getting fucked.

00:07:20.000 Ninety-eight percent of all people who switch to Ting save money.

00:07:25.000 I mean, I've had three very good friends that have done it.

00:07:28.000 Brian's done it.

00:07:30.000 Dr. Chris Ryan did it.

00:07:32.000 They rave about it.

00:07:33.000 It's excellent.

00:07:33.000 And you really do save money.

00:07:35.000 Tons of money.

00:07:36.000 The other guys charge you if you go over your allocated minutes, texts, and data.

00:07:39.000 But if you have a heavier month on Ting, you just pay for what you used.

00:07:43.000 It's really simple.

00:07:45.000 So no mysterious items on your bill and unlimited devices on one plan.

00:07:49.000 You can have as many devices as you want on one plan, sharing pooled minutes, messages, megabytes, everything.

00:07:55.000 Each device on a plan costs a flat $6 per month.

00:08:00.000 It's really good deals.

00:08:02.000 And the phones they sell are all the highest-end Android phones.

00:08:06.000 All the really cool ones like the Galaxy Note 3, which is what I have and Brian has.

00:08:12.000 The Galaxy S4, which is another excellent phone.

00:08:16.000 The HTC One is an excellent phone.

00:08:18.000 It used to be at one point in time that iPhone was the king and everything else just sucked.

00:08:22.000 But it's very close now.

00:08:24.000 In fact, I give the edge to Androids just because their screens are bigger.

00:08:28.000 It's a way better experience.

00:08:29.000 If I'm reading my text messages or watching a video that someone sent me, it's just a better experience on that big screen.

00:08:37.000 Sorry Apple, I know you keep hearing this from me.

00:08:40.000 And I know we were together for so long.

00:08:43.000 You know what I want is that new flexible phone.

00:08:44.000 Have you seen that?

00:08:45.000 It flexes.

00:08:46.000 The whole phone flexes.

00:08:47.000 I believe that's just the screen, right?

00:08:49.000 Yeah.

00:08:49.000 The AMOLED screen.

00:08:50.000 Isn't that what that stuff's called?

00:08:51.000 Yeah.

00:08:51.000 It's like a type of plastic.

00:08:53.000 Right.

00:08:53.000 You could work out with the phone.

00:08:55.000 You could do a little in between the legs like Suzanne Somers and get your Thighmaster on.

00:09:00.000 I used to work with her.

00:09:01.000 Don't make fun of her.

00:09:02.000 Oh, she's a beautiful woman.

00:09:03.000 She was hot.

00:09:04.000 It's hot as fuck.

00:09:05.000 Ting.

00:09:05.000 Go to rogan.ting.com and...

00:09:09.000 You'll save $25 off your first Ting device when you sign up.

00:09:13.000 Rogan.Ting.com.

00:09:15.000 We love Ting.

00:09:17.000 They're an awesome company.

00:09:18.000 We're also brought to you by Onnit.com.

00:09:21.000 That's O-N-N-I-T. They have a Stay On It program now.

00:09:26.000 All the Onnit products you love automatically deliver to your door each month at the lowest price guaranteed.

00:09:33.000 Our idea is that people get annoyed with having to over and over again buy shit and order shit.

00:09:38.000 If you know what you like and if you've used it consistently, you can get it done and get it done this way and not have to think about it as much.

00:09:46.000 What Onnit is, is basically we call ourselves a human optimization website.

00:09:51.000 And what we try to sell you is all shit that we think...

00:09:56.000 Can benefit you, whether it's health, whether it's cognitive function, strength and conditioning.

00:10:02.000 We sell battle ropes and kettlebells and all things for making you the type of man that Dom Irera is.

00:10:10.000 I mean, you're not going to get there intellectually, but if you could just become a man through these...

00:10:16.000 Did I lose too much weight, Joe?

00:10:18.000 Look at it in my face.

00:10:19.000 Am I gaunt?

00:10:20.000 I want you to be brutally honest with me.

00:10:21.000 You're not gaunt.

00:10:22.000 You're delicious.

00:10:23.000 Thank you.

00:10:24.000 You look soft and lovable.

00:10:26.000 I just took a Calgon bath before I came over.

00:10:29.000 You have such smooth skin.

00:10:30.000 Yes, I do moisturize.

00:10:31.000 You're obviously not a man who has to work too hard outside in the cold, frigid temperatures.

00:10:35.000 I haven't done anything since I started doing stand-up.

00:10:38.000 I've never worked.

00:10:38.000 I don't have a tool.

00:10:39.000 I don't.

00:10:40.000 I don't have one tool.

00:10:41.000 That's good.

00:10:41.000 That's a real comic.

00:10:42.000 That's why you're still funny.

00:10:47.000 Where was I? Rogan, Onnit, whatever.

00:10:50.000 Go get a battle rope.

00:10:51.000 Wrap it around your dick.

00:10:52.000 Stretch that thing out, you weak fuck.

00:10:56.000 Just go there and check it out.

00:10:57.000 Onnit.com.

00:10:58.000 O-N-N-I-T. I can't even continue doing these type of super descriptive commercials because the people that have heard it a million times are freaking out.

00:11:07.000 But if you're interested, go to Onnit.

00:11:09.000 Use the code word ROGAN. And save 10% off any and all supplements.

00:11:12.000 Alright.

00:11:13.000 Dom Herrera is here.

00:11:16.000 I can't believe you got him.

00:11:17.000 And he's super awesome.

00:11:20.000 How'd you get him in the studio?

00:11:22.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:11:25.000 Train by day.

00:11:26.000 Joe Rogan Podcast by night.

00:11:27.000 All day.

00:11:29.000 Boom, dong, dong, dong, Dom Herrera.

00:11:35.000 My brother, what's up, baby?

00:11:36.000 Everything's good, Joe.

00:11:37.000 You're a real comedian, Dom Herrera.

00:11:39.000 You're just saying that for folks who didn't listen to the commercial part.

00:11:43.000 You don't have a tool, you've never done a thing, you've never turned a wrench.

00:11:47.000 There's two toolboxes in my house and they were the last two women that lived with me.

00:11:51.000 They brought toolboxes?

00:11:53.000 I can't even lift it.

00:11:55.000 There's one I can't lift.

00:11:57.000 I don't know how Sophie lifted it.

00:11:58.000 That's hilarious.

00:12:01.000 Every time somebody shakes my hand, they go, man, you have soft hands.

00:12:04.000 Oh, they're butter.

00:12:05.000 They're like butter smooth.

00:12:07.000 Yeah.

00:12:09.000 I really do believe that there's a real factor in that.

00:12:13.000 You remaining on top of your game all these years.

00:12:16.000 You truly completely, you know, you're a comedian.

00:12:21.000 That's it.

00:12:22.000 That's what you're capable of.

00:12:22.000 I love it.

00:12:24.000 I could do it in a hammock.

00:12:25.000 I followed Crystal Lear the other night at the...

00:12:28.000 He had a standing ovation at Lear Factory, right?

00:12:30.000 I walk in, and this was true, I had just woken up.

00:12:34.000 I took a nap, like, at 9 o'clock at night.

00:12:36.000 And the audience was standing.

00:12:37.000 I said, first of all, Chris just got a standing ovation.

00:12:41.000 I just woke up.

00:12:42.000 I said, I was just in the bathtub like a big fat fag.

00:12:47.000 So lazy.

00:12:48.000 The only reason I was taking a bath because I was too lazy to stand up and shave.

00:12:53.000 And I said to the crowd, now what would you do if you were me?

00:12:55.000 What the fuck am I supposed to do?

00:12:56.000 Fly around a room?

00:12:58.000 What do you mean after he had a standing ovation?

00:12:59.000 Yeah, after he had a standing ovation.

00:13:01.000 Am I supposed to fly around a room?

00:13:03.000 I said, tell me what to do.

00:13:04.000 And they were with me because it was honest.

00:13:06.000 You know, but the thing is, what you were saying about just, I give a fuck totally, but I don't give a fuck.

00:13:12.000 Like, I could do it in a hammock at this point.

00:13:14.000 Just put my head out doing stand-up.

00:13:17.000 That's actually not a bad idea.

00:13:19.000 It'd be pretty funny for 30. That'd be a good act.

00:13:21.000 Yeah, just laying there.

00:13:22.000 Yeah, especially if it was a part of a comedy festival, or maybe not even a regular set.

00:13:28.000 Just like, ladies and gentlemen, we present you Dom Irera in a hammock, and you just swinging back and forth with a wireless microphone in the air and talking shit.

00:13:37.000 Man, have things changed since I started doing the show.

00:13:40.000 Redman has now taken acts on the road with him.

00:13:43.000 Yeah.

00:13:43.000 He took Tiffany Haddish, which I said, you know Tiffany.

00:13:46.000 Yeah, sure.

00:13:47.000 I said, it's beautiful, right?

00:13:48.000 But I said, I would be afraid to fuck Tiffany, or even him, because I'm intimidated by her in a sense.

00:13:54.000 You call that a dick, white boy?

00:13:56.000 I'll snap that motherfucker off.

00:13:58.000 Have you ever seen her queef into a microphone?

00:14:00.000 She closed it in Dallas and it brought down the house.

00:14:04.000 People just couldn't understand it was happening.

00:14:07.000 It was like a good 10 second pause where everyone's face was like, wait.

00:14:10.000 That just happened.

00:14:12.000 And then it just destroyed.

00:14:13.000 So she just put the microphone in her box?

00:14:15.000 Yeah.

00:14:16.000 And she had been on stage for 30 minutes, so she had a wet pussy.

00:14:19.000 She's mostly a writer.

00:14:22.000 She had a wet pussy from being on stage?

00:14:24.000 That's what she said.

00:14:26.000 What's amazing, honestly, really, that she's the first one to think of sticking a microphone in her pussy and queefing.

00:14:32.000 I don't remember it being done before.

00:14:35.000 She's a pioneer.

00:14:36.000 Someone would have picked that up by now.

00:14:37.000 She's a cunt pioneer.

00:14:39.000 Yeah, but if you really think about it, isn't it incredible that it's 2014?

00:14:43.000 Yeah.

00:14:43.000 For her, what was it, like 2012?

00:14:45.000 When did she start queefing?

00:14:47.000 She was on the podcast on the Ice House Chronicles, like what?

00:14:50.000 Two years ago, maybe.

00:14:51.000 Maybe, it might have been either 2012 or 2013. Either one of them.

00:14:55.000 Either a year or a year and a half ago.

00:14:58.000 She was queefing, and I was thinking then, I was like, I don't think anybody does this.

00:15:04.000 It's kind of amazing, but you would have thought that somebody would have locked that down.

00:15:08.000 I mean, that's been around for a long time.

00:15:10.000 The fact that no one's stuck a microphone.

00:15:11.000 Has any guy just committed to just farting on stage all the time?

00:15:15.000 I mean, as one comedian, is this her doing it?

00:15:18.000 Yeah.

00:15:19.000 Okay, let's hear it.

00:15:34.000 I think that's part of a fart, too, man.

00:15:36.000 I gotta tell you, I'm not really impressed.

00:15:39.000 We'll pitch his fart on stage.

00:15:42.000 If you see it close up, she kind of tilts her back a little, and you can see her sucking air in.

00:15:47.000 So now you have to follow that?

00:15:49.000 No, Tony didn't.

00:15:50.000 He's sick right now.

00:15:51.000 He might have, from the microphone, I think.

00:15:52.000 Oh, jeez.

00:15:54.000 Oh, could you imagine if he really died because of the microphone?

00:15:58.000 Imagine if you actually caught AIDS from a microphone.

00:16:00.000 You're like, what the fuck, man?

00:16:02.000 Not saying that Tiffany Hanisch has AIDS at all.

00:16:05.000 Right.

00:16:06.000 But yeah, god damn, man.

00:16:09.000 She's a lot of fun, though, man.

00:16:10.000 I'm so proud of her.

00:16:11.000 She's on the Arsenio Hall now.

00:16:13.000 Trying to bail himself out after this queef episode.

00:16:16.000 Well, it is fascinating to me.

00:16:18.000 I mean, it's just, first of all, it's fascinating because it's, even though you, say a woman's on stage, she could refresh her vagina, she could point to it, she could show it to you, but when someone starts talking with it, you know that noise came from that vagina.

00:16:33.000 That is several levels more intimate.

00:16:38.000 Yeah.

00:16:39.000 Her pussy's talking to you.

00:16:40.000 You hear the pussy talking, boy?

00:16:43.000 Those Texas girls didn't know how to act either.

00:16:46.000 No one should know how to act.

00:16:48.000 Listen, no one on the planet.

00:16:49.000 The only reason why we know how to act is because we're deviants.

00:16:52.000 We're deviants and we've been around fucked up people our entire lives.

00:16:56.000 I mean, you've been around no one but fucked up people since we started working together.

00:17:01.000 And I've been around no one but fucked up people for a decade before that.

00:17:05.000 So...

00:17:06.000 Our perspective is a bit skewed.

00:17:08.000 Imagine the boyfriend driving to the thing telling his girlfriend the show may be a little...

00:17:12.000 Maybe a little queefy.

00:17:16.000 Yeah, imagine if a girl is like really seriously Christian and you know...

00:17:21.000 I'll go to the show because I think Brian Redband's cute, but I heard that this girl, Tiffany Haddish, makes satanic noise with her vagina.

00:17:31.000 Joe, do you remember the hooker that we interviewed a long time ago on the Joe show?

00:17:34.000 Yeah, yeah, in the parking lot of the comedy store.

00:17:37.000 She was telling us how she did the business and stuff.

00:17:39.000 I was really stunned.

00:17:40.000 I was like, I wonder if she's still a hooker.

00:17:42.000 And I found her online.

00:17:43.000 Still a hooker.

00:17:44.000 Oh my god.

00:17:45.000 And it's been, what, like 10 years?

00:17:46.000 She didn't get out of low school yet?

00:17:48.000 Nope.

00:17:49.000 Jeez.

00:17:51.000 It's so weird how easy it was to find her, too.

00:17:53.000 Yes, I'm torn.

00:17:55.000 I gotta be honest.

00:17:56.000 I'm torn on the whole idea of prostitution.

00:17:59.000 Because I feel like, I always feel like, you should be able to do whatever the fuck you want.

00:18:04.000 If you want to have sex with someone for free, you should be able to have sex with someone for free.

00:18:09.000 If a guy wants a thousand dollars If you jerk them off and you're like, alright.

00:18:15.000 Then you should be able to do that.

00:18:16.000 It should be legal.

00:18:17.000 It should be no more different than if you wanted to get a massage.

00:18:22.000 Like, no one wants to massage you, man.

00:18:24.000 You're paying them to massage you.

00:18:25.000 When you go to a spa and you get a rub down for an hour, that person does not want to do that.

00:18:31.000 You're giving them money and they're making you feel good with their fingers.

00:18:34.000 Like, you should be able to do whatever the fuck you want.

00:18:36.000 And it's all our societal standards.

00:18:39.000 That are fucked up and weird about sex.

00:18:42.000 That said, when I hear that someone's a hooker like that and has been a hooker for 10 years, that does not feel good.

00:18:48.000 It feels sad.

00:18:50.000 It feels like she's lost and she's in a bad place.

00:18:54.000 And I'm torn because I don't know if that's my own biased perceptions.

00:18:58.000 Maybe she's meeting a bunch of people that are really desperate for touch and maybe she picks good clientele and they have sex.

00:19:07.000 That's how she gets paid, and who gives a fuck?

00:19:09.000 Maybe it's that.

00:19:10.000 Maybe it's that.

00:19:11.000 I mean, but instantly you say that she's still a hooker, and I'm like, but I'm like, I'm questioning myself.

00:19:17.000 I'm like, why?

00:19:18.000 You know, why does it always have to be bad?

00:19:19.000 Is it because we've associated sex with something that you're, it's naughty, you're not supposed to do it, so someone doing it for a living is somehow or another a bad thing?

00:19:27.000 I used to get prostitutes after I fucked a regular girl.

00:19:31.000 Like on the road.

00:19:32.000 Why?

00:19:32.000 Just because it was wild, the curiosity of it.

00:19:35.000 Yeah.

00:19:36.000 If I had one ounce of jizz left, seriously, I would have a waitress or something on the road club, and she'd go, and I'd call a prostitute.

00:19:48.000 Total addict.

00:19:50.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

00:19:51.000 Thank God for blood pressure medication.

00:19:53.000 Do you think that's part of that, just being Italian?

00:19:56.000 Yeah.

00:19:56.000 I really do.

00:19:58.000 You know, there's always been that, like, ridiculous stereotype of Italians as, like, over-sex goons.

00:20:04.000 Definitely.

00:20:04.000 But there's a reason why that stereotype is not for Chinese guys.

00:20:08.000 Okay?

00:20:09.000 There's a reason why that stereotype is not for, you know, fill in the blank.

00:20:13.000 It's like for over-sex, apish goons for Italians.

00:20:17.000 It's because they are.

00:20:18.000 I fucked Sophie for five years every day.

00:20:21.000 Every day.

00:20:22.000 At least a couple times a day.

00:20:24.000 Even when she was reading.

00:20:25.000 I didn't need to know that, but now that I do, I feel better.

00:20:30.000 Yeah, it's all my ancestors, my fucking family back home, like all the Italians I knew that I grew up with, they were savages.

00:20:39.000 They would have gumaras, they'd call them.

00:20:41.000 Like they'd take the gumara out on a Friday night and then wipe out on a Saturday.

00:20:45.000 Did you see that new movie, American Hustle?

00:20:48.000 I fell asleep.

00:20:49.000 Did you see it?

00:20:50.000 I heard that movie sucks from so many people.

00:20:52.000 I don't know what they watched.

00:20:53.000 I fell asleep.

00:20:54.000 I don't know.

00:20:54.000 Really?

00:20:55.000 Do you like it?

00:20:55.000 Those people are idiots.

00:20:56.000 I've got to watch it again.

00:20:57.000 I enjoyed that movie.

00:20:58.000 I have it at home.

00:20:59.000 They sent it to me.

00:21:00.000 SAG sent it to me.

00:21:01.000 It sucked.

00:21:01.000 Oh, are you bragging about the SAG thing?

00:21:03.000 Yeah, they sent it to everybody.

00:21:05.000 What kind of a brag is that?

00:21:06.000 Well, if it gets bootlegged, we know where it came from.

00:21:08.000 Because Don Marrera really knows those.

00:21:10.000 No, I had to agree to...

00:21:11.000 I had accepted the agreement.

00:21:13.000 Like, they're going to trace it.

00:21:14.000 Right, right, right.

00:21:15.000 Well, there's a new thing they have now.

00:21:17.000 Somebody told me about online.

00:21:19.000 We can get movies as they come out.

00:21:21.000 They cost 500 bucks.

00:21:22.000 Really?

00:21:23.000 And it's like you have a box in your house and that box stores a certain amount of movies.

00:21:27.000 Wow.

00:21:28.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:21:28.000 I'll send you the information.

00:21:30.000 I sent it to the guy who did the AV in this place, my buddy, and he said, yeah, it's legit.

00:21:36.000 He said, it's a new thing.

00:21:37.000 It sets up to your house.

00:21:39.000 You could store like X amount of movies.

00:21:41.000 You could have like 10 movies on it at any one time, and they're all in your name, and they don't go anywhere.

00:21:45.000 They just plug it in this box, and you can play them on your TV, and each movie costs like 500 bucks.

00:21:49.000 Wow.

00:21:50.000 Which is weird, man.

00:21:51.000 It's like, that is a lot of fucking money.

00:21:53.000 But I was at the movie theater, I went to see American Hustle, and this couple behind us just kept talking.

00:21:59.000 And it was not very many people in the theater, so they were talking pretty loud because there was no one next to them.

00:22:04.000 And people just don't realize, they probably don't even realize they're being rude because they thought they were far away, but you don't realize how far your voice carries when everybody else is trying to...

00:22:13.000 Yeah, I was just going to say that.

00:22:15.000 I was going to bring that up, and it was really frustrating.

00:22:17.000 But, you know, I just dealt with it and watched the movie.

00:22:19.000 I didn't say anything.

00:22:20.000 But a guy got shot in Florida.

00:22:22.000 Yeah, some retired cop had a gun on him.

00:22:25.000 He was texting.

00:22:26.000 He wasn't even talking.

00:22:27.000 He was texting.

00:22:27.000 Texting in the theater, and this cop wound up getting an altercation with him.

00:22:31.000 I mean, that's step one, and then step, you know, ultimate step ten or whatever it is, is he shot him.

00:22:36.000 Who knows what happened?

00:22:37.000 The cop could've asked him, and he could've gone, fuck you, bitch.

00:22:40.000 Of course.

00:22:41.000 Could've gotten crazy.

00:22:42.000 He was 72 years old or something, too.

00:22:44.000 Well, maybe he's just ready to die on his own, and he was like, I'm just gonna start killing kids until one of them gets me.

00:22:51.000 That's why I like Arclight, because not only you can pick your seats, but then if there's somebody that's talking or something, there's like a guy that just pretty much stands in that movie theater that they're on it like that.

00:22:59.000 Yeah, you're right.

00:23:00.000 There's another place called Cineopolis that's even more dope.

00:23:03.000 They have these giant lounge chairs.

00:23:05.000 They can fully recline.

00:23:07.000 They sell food.

00:23:08.000 The food's really delicious.

00:23:10.000 And it's a way better experience.

00:23:11.000 People don't fucking talk.

00:23:14.000 So, it might be worth the $500, is my point, to have new movies as they come out.

00:23:19.000 It might be worth it.

00:23:20.000 What you do is you get the box, and you set up a camera in a dark room, and you film it, and then we make a DVD of it, and then we sell it to our friends for $20 each, and get the $500 back.

00:23:28.000 Do you want to go to jail?

00:23:29.000 You're just retarded.

00:23:30.000 Which one is that?

00:23:31.000 That was my first line to him, the first time I did the show.

00:23:34.000 That's right.

00:23:34.000 That was the way we met.

00:23:36.000 What are you, retarded?

00:23:37.000 I loved how you handled it.

00:23:39.000 It was beautiful.

00:23:40.000 It is.

00:23:43.000 How do you handle it?

00:23:45.000 You.

00:23:45.000 Oh.

00:23:46.000 How you handled it when you met him.

00:23:47.000 Oh, yeah.

00:23:49.000 Called him what it is.

00:23:51.000 Well, I think I was right, but I love him.

00:23:52.000 I don't know if I would pay $500 for a movie, though.

00:23:55.000 That seems like a lot of goddamn money.

00:23:57.000 That seems like, at this point in time, it's like, come on, man.

00:24:01.000 Unless you're really annoyed by the public and have that much money, it doesn't matter.

00:24:05.000 Yeah, but the problem is the more you do shit like that, you could become a hermit, man.

00:24:09.000 You could become a hermit.

00:24:11.000 If you really paid attention to how goofy people are, you could really, at one point in time, force yourself into the mountain somewhere and just fucking be completely isolated.

00:24:18.000 Well, you handle it well.

00:24:19.000 You handle it really well.

00:24:20.000 You have a lot of patience.

00:24:22.000 It's not hard.

00:24:23.000 It's a bunch of people being nice to you.

00:24:24.000 But when we're shooting pool and somebody wants to take a picture, that's a little too much.

00:24:28.000 Well, it gets annoying.

00:24:29.000 That gets annoying when you're in the middle of some obvious activity or when you're eating.

00:24:33.000 Your eating is a dumb one.

00:24:35.000 That's like, come on.

00:24:36.000 Yeah.

00:24:36.000 With a mouthful of food.

00:24:37.000 They want to shake your hand, too.

00:24:38.000 They want to shake your hand.

00:24:39.000 They want you to come.

00:24:40.000 I've had a lady in Vegas ask me to come over to her.

00:24:43.000 I'm in the middle of eating.

00:24:44.000 I had a mouthful of food.

00:24:45.000 Hi, we're from Canada.

00:24:46.000 We would like it if you could come over to our table.

00:24:49.000 And I'm like, what?

00:24:50.000 Like, I'm eating.

00:24:52.000 Why would you ask someone?

00:24:55.000 I couldn't imagine going up to someone I didn't know and just ask them to come over to our table.

00:24:59.000 We're big fans of Fear Factor.

00:25:02.000 I'd like you to come over to our table.

00:25:05.000 It's ridiculous.

00:25:07.000 Remember when Bruce Willis first started getting famous back at the improv in the 80s?

00:25:11.000 And this guy comes up to him and he starts shaking his hand.

00:25:13.000 He wouldn't let it go.

00:25:14.000 He just keeps saying, Bruce is looking at me.

00:25:16.000 And the guy goes, Donna, get the camera.

00:25:19.000 Get the camera out of the car, Donna.

00:25:20.000 Like he was holding him hostage until he took a picture.

00:25:23.000 That's when I first saw it.

00:25:24.000 Any of my friends get that glimpse of fame and the annoying part of it.

00:25:28.000 Wow, he just held on to it, huh?

00:25:29.000 Don, I get the camera and he's shaking Bruce's hand.

00:25:31.000 Bruce is looking at me like, what am I supposed to do?

00:25:33.000 You can't win.

00:25:34.000 You pull it away.

00:25:34.000 You fucking punch him.

00:25:36.000 What do you do?

00:25:37.000 Some people are definitely crazy.

00:25:39.000 Some people are just too excited to meet someone like Bruce Willis, too.

00:25:42.000 It's like it's not natural.

00:25:43.000 I don't know what they think is going to happen.

00:25:44.000 It's kind of cool.

00:25:45.000 Like, if you see Bruce Willis, like, ooh, that's Bruce Willis.

00:25:48.000 That's, you know, that's the guy from Moonlighting.

00:25:50.000 That's the guy from Die Hard.

00:25:51.000 Yeah.

00:25:52.000 That's Bruce Willis.

00:25:53.000 He was in fucking Pulp Fiction.

00:25:54.000 Yeah.

00:25:54.000 I always tell people, just enjoy their work.

00:25:56.000 I say, enjoy their work, leave them alone, because if they met some people, they'd be such a fucking disappointment to them.

00:26:02.000 Yeah.

00:26:02.000 You know?

00:26:03.000 Well, I don't know, man.

00:26:05.000 Some people just aren't used to it.

00:26:07.000 In California, I think way more people are used to seeing famous people.

00:26:10.000 Yeah, here they don't bother you.

00:26:11.000 Here they don't say, thank you, I like your work, until after the check is done.

00:26:15.000 So they're not trying to bump up the tip, you know?

00:26:17.000 Yeah, there's a little bit of that, I'm sure.

00:26:21.000 But California doesn't give a fuck.

00:26:22.000 It's like, if you're famous or not famous, there's so many famous people here, it's not that big of a deal.

00:26:27.000 But if you're a famous person, like say, and you moved to Iowa or something like that, that would probably be really weird.

00:26:34.000 I know that just as a comedian because...

00:26:36.000 In Columbus, Ohio, I get recognized more than I get recognized out here, but I might get recognized, but they don't give a fuck.

00:26:42.000 Well, you have a big following, Columbus.

00:26:43.000 You know, it's kind of interesting how comics develop followings in one city or another, and I've never really quite understood that.

00:26:49.000 But you know how there is that issue?

00:26:51.000 Yeah.

00:26:52.000 Like, the best example is that guy, Bob Marley.

00:26:55.000 I love Bob Marley.

00:26:56.000 Great guy.

00:26:57.000 Yeah.

00:26:57.000 Great salt of the earth.

00:26:58.000 Such a goofball.

00:27:00.000 Sweetheart of a guy.

00:27:01.000 I've known him for 20-plus years.

00:27:03.000 I knew Bob when Bob was an open-miker in Maine.

00:27:07.000 We'd come down and do Nick's Comedy Stop, and he did a guest set at one of our shows on the road, because he was like the Bangor house comedian at this place.

00:27:17.000 But it's a real sweetheart of a guy, and a very funny guy, but my point is that he's a huge act in Maine.

00:27:24.000 Yeah.

00:27:24.000 He sells books and albums and cool arts.

00:27:29.000 You might have heard of him, like most of you, if you're a comedy fan, you might have heard him on Sirius Satellite Radio or seen him on Comedy Central or something like that, but...

00:27:39.000 You would have no idea.

00:27:40.000 Tell me a great story about Billy Crystal.

00:27:42.000 They get into an elevator.

00:27:45.000 Him and Chuck, Butch Bradley.

00:27:47.000 And Billy Crystal was there.

00:27:48.000 And Bob goes, and then Brooke's going, hey, Billy, you know, nice to meet you.

00:27:51.000 We're comedians.

00:27:52.000 And he just kind of went, mm-hmm.

00:27:53.000 You know, like kind of ditched him.

00:27:55.000 Oh, really?

00:27:55.000 Yeah, ignored him.

00:27:56.000 And Bob says to me, he goes, I don't know whether to fucking push the stop button and beat the fuck out of him.

00:28:01.000 Or just let it go.

00:28:03.000 You know, he said, so he let it go.

00:28:05.000 Wow, Billy Crystal probably stopped being a comedian somewhere along the line.

00:28:09.000 Wow.

00:28:09.000 You know what I mean?

00:28:10.000 About stop being a comedian?

00:28:11.000 Oh, yeah.

00:28:12.000 If you do that, you stop being a comedian.

00:28:14.000 He was always really nice to me, and then one time I interviewed him and De Niro for this Comedy Central thing, and he was real smug and shit.

00:28:21.000 Like, he turned against me.

00:28:23.000 Because De Niro, like, is kind of thick, you know?

00:28:26.000 And I said to him, because he sang...

00:28:28.000 De Niro's thick in what way?

00:28:29.000 Thick mentally.

00:28:30.000 Like, he's not there, you know, like, real quick.

00:28:33.000 I mean, he's a great actor.

00:28:35.000 But that's a whole different story.

00:28:37.000 But De Niro, I said to him, because he sang and analyzed that, and I said, I love your singing.

00:28:43.000 I always loved, more than anything, I loved your singing.

00:28:45.000 Obviously, I'm kidding.

00:28:46.000 I go, I says, you were the definitive Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof.

00:28:49.000 And De Niro goes, oh, thank you.

00:28:51.000 He didn't fucking get it.

00:28:53.000 He was barely paying attention to you.

00:28:55.000 That's exactly what it was.

00:28:56.000 And Billy was kind of snapping at me.

00:28:58.000 I'm thinking, man, Billy, you're turning on me?

00:29:00.000 I'm another comedian.

00:29:01.000 Go with it.

00:29:02.000 I think sometimes a guy like him will get tired of being the center of attention.

00:29:07.000 Because I think also to be that kind of an actor...

00:29:10.000 He's not...

00:29:11.000 Who, De Niro?

00:29:11.000 Yeah.

00:29:12.000 To be that kind of an actor...

00:29:13.000 Don't you think he's lost some of his legacy, though, by doing these stupid films?

00:29:17.000 He definitely has.

00:29:17.000 But I'll tell you what, he was in American Hustle, and he's a fucking gangster in it.

00:29:21.000 Yeah, good.

00:29:22.000 He's badass.

00:29:22.000 I love the guy.

00:29:24.000 He's a very small part, but it's vintage De Niro.

00:29:27.000 But that's my question.

00:29:29.000 When you work that much, and you have Taxi Driver...

00:29:32.000 And Raging Bull in your resume.

00:29:36.000 Where are you going to go from there?

00:29:37.000 I mean, he just wants to work, so he's doing the Fockers and all this stuff.

00:29:41.000 Well, maybe he enjoys it, though.

00:29:42.000 Yeah, I think he does.

00:29:43.000 That's the other thing.

00:29:43.000 I mean, it's like he obviously enjoys working.

00:29:46.000 That's a lot of pressure to be so big that you can't just do medium shit.

00:29:50.000 True.

00:29:50.000 Well, he put in some of the greatest performances of all time.

00:29:53.000 Cape Fear?

00:29:54.000 Oh, he was fucking menacing.

00:29:56.000 Jesus Christ, he was fucking terrifying.

00:29:58.000 That scene when he was in the empty theater with the girl, when she put his finger in her mouth, that was fucking wild.

00:30:06.000 It was wild.

00:30:07.000 It was a fucking crazy movie.

00:30:09.000 He was one of the scariest guys ever as a menacing guy.

00:30:13.000 And Taxi Driver as well.

00:30:14.000 Well, he always deteriorated.

00:30:16.000 Even in King of Comedy, he got crazier and crazier as the movie went on.

00:30:20.000 Yeah, that's right.

00:30:20.000 King of Comedy.

00:30:21.000 Oh my God, I forgot about that.

00:30:22.000 Rupert Pumpkin.

00:30:24.000 You know what I saw the other day?

00:30:26.000 I'm going to have to sit down and watch the whole thing, but I was flipping through the channels and it was on...

00:30:31.000 Was I flipping through the channels or was I... Whatever.

00:30:33.000 Somehow or another I was watching a small piece of it.

00:30:36.000 Deer Hunter.

00:30:37.000 Oh yeah.

00:30:38.000 I was having...

00:30:38.000 Fucking...

00:30:39.000 God damn, that's a good movie.

00:30:41.000 I had to stop it and I said, you know, I can't start it in the middle here and just watch it from here.

00:30:46.000 I'm going to come back to this and watch this as a full movie.

00:30:49.000 That movie deserves to be watched as a full movie.

00:30:52.000 Just flipping through the channels and you can catch that.

00:30:54.000 Not because this is Sons of Italy Day, but to switch to one other...

00:30:57.000 Is it really?

00:30:57.000 No, but to switch to one other Italian, Pacino in Dog Day Afternoon.

00:31:02.000 You ever see that?

00:31:04.000 Fantastic movie.

00:31:04.000 I saw it again last year.

00:31:05.000 Fucking incredible.

00:31:06.000 Fantastic movie.

00:31:08.000 Yeah, what a weird plot, too.

00:31:09.000 Oh, yeah, and it was true.

00:31:10.000 It was a sex change.

00:31:11.000 It was a true story.

00:31:11.000 Yeah, yeah, but De Niro, I mean...

00:31:17.000 John Casals?

00:31:18.000 No, who was the...

00:31:19.000 was that who was his name?

00:31:20.000 Pacino.

00:31:21.000 No, Pacino's buddy.

00:31:22.000 Who was Pacino's buddy?

00:31:22.000 John Casals.

00:31:23.000 Yeah, he was Fredo.

00:31:25.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:31:26.000 He played such a weird, freaky character, and Pacino was so off.

00:31:32.000 Oh, yeah.

00:31:33.000 It was such a different person.

00:31:35.000 Like this kind of guy who's robbing a bank to pay for a sex change.

00:31:40.000 Like, what?

00:31:41.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:31:42.000 He almost seemed a little too together to be that guy.

00:31:45.000 Almost a little too together.

00:31:46.000 When he went outside, that was where Attica came from.

00:31:49.000 Attica, Attica.

00:31:51.000 That was a big movie, man.

00:31:53.000 Yeah.

00:31:54.000 I was reading about him because they didn't want to cast him in The Godfather as Michael Corleone.

00:31:59.000 You know who they wanted for?

00:32:00.000 Who?

00:32:00.000 Redford.

00:32:02.000 Really?

00:32:02.000 Robert Redford, right.

00:32:03.000 That's interesting.

00:32:04.000 And they watched and somehow Coppola wanted him and he finally got him in.

00:32:09.000 And how great was he in that movie?

00:32:12.000 He was spectacular.

00:32:13.000 The transition between Michael and The Godfather?

00:32:15.000 I think those guys that do those movies, like Pacino and De Niro and Harvey Keitel and all these, like...

00:32:22.000 Historical actors, after a while, they're just fucking working, you know?

00:32:27.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:32:27.000 It's like until the next really big project comes up, until something that comes up...

00:32:33.000 Don't die on us, Tom.

00:32:34.000 Got a little bronchitis, Joe.

00:32:36.000 I know.

00:32:36.000 Not bragging.

00:32:37.000 I know.

00:32:38.000 But it's like, to keep up that level of work...

00:32:43.000 To keep up the level of work that they did, like Samuel Jackson, Pulp Fiction.

00:32:48.000 To keep up that level of work, that's a spectacular goddamn movie.

00:32:52.000 How do you follow yourself?

00:32:54.000 The part is so perfect.

00:32:57.000 That's one of the most menacing parts ever.

00:32:59.000 That's another menacing.

00:33:00.000 Like the menacing part of De Niro and Cape Fear.

00:33:04.000 Sam Jackson's menacing part as the hitman.

00:33:07.000 Oh yeah.

00:33:07.000 Who's talking shit to you before he shoots you about your cheeseburger.

00:33:11.000 That is indeed a tasty burger.

00:33:13.000 He was fucking horrifying, man.

00:33:15.000 How about the scene in True Romance?

00:33:17.000 He was talking about the...

00:33:19.000 Who was in that?

00:33:21.000 You're talking about when he's talking about Africa?

00:33:23.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:33:24.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:33:25.000 Gary Oldman?

00:33:26.000 No, it wasn't Gary Oldman.

00:33:28.000 Oh, Christopher Walken when he was talking about Sicilians.

00:33:31.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:33:32.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:33:33.000 The Dennis Hopper.

00:33:34.000 Christopher Walken and Dennis Hopper.

00:33:35.000 That was one of the heaviest fucking scenes and put some comedy in it.

00:33:40.000 Yeah, Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction was a motherfucker, dude.

00:33:44.000 When he would quote the Bible to you before he would shoot you.

00:33:47.000 His wallet said bad motherfucker on it.

00:33:49.000 He had jerry curls running around in a suit shooting people.

00:33:53.000 That was a wild part.

00:33:57.000 Yeah, he's a good menacing motherfucker.

00:34:00.000 He's got crazy eyes.

00:34:01.000 And thanks for doing my podcast.

00:34:03.000 Anytime, my brother.

00:34:04.000 Appreciate it.

00:34:05.000 Can I do a shameless plug?

00:34:06.000 Yeah, sure.

00:34:08.000 Do you mind?

00:34:08.000 Because these fucking clubs, this show's so big.

00:34:11.000 Everybody asks me if I can do it.

00:34:13.000 If I can run 30 seconds.

00:34:15.000 Is that okay?

00:34:16.000 What are you talking about?

00:34:17.000 I just wanted to mention where I'm going to be.

00:34:19.000 Do you have stuff written down?

00:34:20.000 Yeah, because they drive me fucking crazy.

00:34:22.000 Who's driving you crazy?

00:34:24.000 Any club that knows I'm going to do this show...

00:34:27.000 Alright, I'm doing Side Splitters in Tampa.

00:34:30.000 Can I do this?

00:34:31.000 Yeah, go ahead, just do it.

00:34:32.000 Side Splitters in Tampa, Knoxville, Side Splitters, Laugh Factory, Chicago, Long Beach, Vegas, Funny Bone, Columbus, Denver Comedy Works, Stress Factory, and Kilkenny Island.

00:34:43.000 This is all great, but this is not the way- Thank you, Joe.

00:34:45.000 Let me tell you the best way to do it in the future.

00:34:47.000 Just get a Twitter that you post on a regular basis and have all your dates up on Twitter.

00:34:52.000 And then send people to your Twitter.

00:34:54.000 Or send people to your calendar on your website.

00:34:55.000 Do you realize who you're talking to?

00:34:56.000 These people are not going to remember all these things.

00:34:58.000 That's the problem.

00:34:59.000 When you say a bunch of things in a row, it loses their meaning.

00:35:02.000 If you say, go to domirera.net or.com, boom.

00:35:07.000 Follow me on Twitter.

00:35:09.000 How much do you do on Twitter?

00:35:10.000 Do you get on Twitter all the time?

00:35:12.000 Not all the time, but I do it.

00:35:14.000 If I get drunk, you know...

00:35:17.000 There's some profound vulgar thing.

00:35:19.000 It's a great way to promote gigs, man.

00:35:20.000 Yeah, you're great at that shit.

00:35:21.000 But do you do it at all?

00:35:23.000 Yeah.

00:35:23.000 Do you do it before each week?

00:35:25.000 Yeah, Taj got me into it.

00:35:26.000 He did a retweet.

00:35:28.000 I went from like four followers to 10,000 because he retweeted me.

00:35:33.000 Really?

00:35:33.000 Whatever he did, yeah.

00:35:34.000 Yeah, Taj is gigantic right now.

00:35:37.000 You know what's weird about Twitter and just being around for a while?

00:35:41.000 Justin Bieber has like 44 million, something like that, and Paul McCartney has a million, right?

00:35:48.000 And I know it's different worlds, but isn't that incredible, though?

00:35:51.000 It is kind of incredible.

00:35:52.000 It seems like...

00:35:54.000 I mean, I don't think Paul McCartney's tweeting all the time.

00:35:57.000 Yeah, does he use it?

00:35:59.000 Because Justin Bieber actually uses it.

00:36:00.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:36:01.000 That's the big thing with one of those guys.

00:36:03.000 He's always in the laugh factor, you know?

00:36:04.000 He wants to do stand-up.

00:36:06.000 What are you putting on?

00:36:07.000 It's just a story of a Bieber getting his house raided this morning.

00:36:11.000 Oh, yeah.

00:36:12.000 They found cocaine so far in it.

00:36:13.000 Oh, God.

00:36:15.000 Yeah, they're looking for it because he recently egged his neighbor's house and caused over $15,000 to $20,000 worth of damage.

00:36:21.000 Allegedly, Brian.

00:36:22.000 Allegedly.

00:36:23.000 But supposedly there's video, allegedly.

00:36:25.000 And I guess over $400, it's a felony.

00:36:29.000 So they're raiding his home, looking for any connections to that.

00:36:33.000 And if they find any drugs on the way, they can just arrest him for any...

00:36:36.000 How crazy do they need 10 cop cars to arrest Justin Bieber?

00:36:41.000 Wow.

00:36:41.000 They took him in?

00:36:43.000 Yeah.

00:36:43.000 I think what the deal is, is recently in the news, he's been just terrorizing his neighborhood, he's been terrorizing the cops.

00:36:50.000 He's got a posse with him, you know, which is hilarious.

00:36:53.000 That would suck if you had some multi-million dollar house and you lived in this really nice place, and then you had this crazy fuck living next door to you.

00:37:00.000 Driving down the street like 50 miles per hour while your daughter's in the driveway, you know, that would suck.

00:37:05.000 You think he'll end up killing himself?

00:37:06.000 Well, if he's doing the coke, it's not a good sign, Irera.

00:37:09.000 No.

00:37:10.000 Doing the coke is not...

00:37:11.000 Nobody just, like, is really good at coke.

00:37:14.000 Like, there's some people that are good at surfing.

00:37:16.000 Yeah.

00:37:16.000 And surfing's hard.

00:37:17.000 If I tried surfing, I'd fall flat on my fucking face.

00:37:19.000 But if you get good at surfing, you do it for a while, you learn how to perfect it.

00:37:23.000 No one ever gets that way with cocaine.

00:37:24.000 No.

00:37:25.000 You know how I said to you a long time ago, Joe, that...

00:37:27.000 When you did pot, it changed you, and I think it really helped you.

00:37:30.000 I never said that about coke.

00:37:32.000 I never said, you know, Tony's doing a lot more coke lately.

00:37:34.000 He's really got his life together.

00:37:36.000 Yeah, a lot of people say that about meth.

00:37:38.000 Guys do meth, and all of a sudden, they really fucking straighten up.

00:37:41.000 Yeah.

00:37:42.000 Get their life in order.

00:37:44.000 Boy, your gums look good.

00:37:45.000 Well, that's the problem with labeling a drug as a drug, you know, like...

00:37:49.000 Saying it's a drug.

00:37:50.000 It seems like they're all the same thing.

00:37:52.000 No, they're not.

00:37:54.000 What a drug is is something that affects your brain.

00:37:56.000 But the vast majority of them are good.

00:38:01.000 Like, there's a lot of good drugs.

00:38:03.000 But nicotine's a drug.

00:38:04.000 I don't think it affects your brain.

00:38:05.000 Caffeine's a good drug.

00:38:06.000 It's a good drug.

00:38:07.000 I mean, you might not like it, but I like a fucking cup of coffee.

00:38:10.000 Well, yeah.

00:38:10.000 It's good.

00:38:12.000 I like the fact that there's drugs that can help people that are sick.

00:38:19.000 There's drugs that can help people that are in intense pain.

00:38:23.000 There's a lot of drugs that have some real beneficial effects.

00:38:26.000 And then there's drugs that'll ruin your life.

00:38:28.000 There's drugs that nobody survives.

00:38:30.000 There's the opiates, the heroin, the meth, the speeds, the ones where you hear about these terrible stories of people's lives completely falling apart.

00:38:39.000 I mean, you can kind of include pot in there.

00:38:42.000 I've heard people talk about other people that ruin their life on pot.

00:38:46.000 Yeah, but that's them inside.

00:38:48.000 They're looking for something to ruin their life.

00:38:49.000 I agree, and I see that the same way as gambling.

00:38:53.000 The gambling thing, people think that compulsive gambling is...

00:38:59.000 Very different than drug addiction.

00:39:00.000 I don't think it's different at all.

00:39:02.000 No.

00:39:02.000 I think it's all the same.

00:39:04.000 Somehow or another, you get hooked on a drug, except this time you're getting a drug from taking a risk.

00:39:09.000 I believe you can have that with sex.

00:39:11.000 Oh, sure.

00:39:12.000 With anything.

00:39:13.000 With masturbation.

00:39:14.000 There's guys that have masturbated their dick raw and then, like, tried to figure out other ways of jerking off.

00:39:19.000 I'm not looking at you in the eyes because it's you.

00:39:21.000 I'm just saying.

00:39:24.000 Yeah.

00:39:24.000 For everything.

00:39:25.000 It's weird, isn't it?

00:39:26.000 That people get addicted to stuff.

00:39:28.000 The physical addictive part is really weird.

00:39:30.000 That we, like, a chemical attaches itself to our system.

00:39:34.000 Yeah.

00:39:34.000 And then you need that chemical.

00:39:36.000 Like, that's what they say about Amy Winehouse.

00:39:38.000 They found no drugs in her system and they think that she just quit drinking.

00:39:42.000 And if you're a really serious alcoholic and you just cut it off entirely, you can actually die from that.

00:39:47.000 Yeah, you go into convulsions.

00:39:50.000 I didn't know that.

00:39:51.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:39:53.000 Yeah, Amy Winehouse, when she died, apparently, was just booze.

00:39:56.000 You know, and everybody looks at her and you think of her as this mess, you know, this awful drug addict, boozer, pill poppin', but really, you know...

00:40:06.000 It was alcohol.

00:40:07.000 Well, I love to drink.

00:40:08.000 I still drink a lot, but I would never wake up and drink.

00:40:14.000 I'm not condoning my type of drinking, but man, when you wake up and have a couple shots, that's hurting.

00:40:23.000 You're not going to last long doing that.

00:40:25.000 You're really putting your liver into overdrive.

00:40:28.000 Amy Winehouse was talented as fuck, though.

00:40:31.000 Goddamn, she could sing.

00:40:32.000 She had such a sultry voice.

00:40:34.000 But do you ever hear about people not talented?

00:40:36.000 Because nobody cares.

00:40:38.000 I mean, it's like, look at all the great people that died at 27. Like the people from the 60s.

00:40:43.000 Joplin, Hendrix, Morrison.

00:40:45.000 All three of them died at 27. Right.

00:40:47.000 Yeah.

00:40:47.000 27, man.

00:40:48.000 I was a baby at 27. I was so stupid.

00:40:52.000 All I did was play basketball.

00:40:54.000 I wasn't even a comedian yet.

00:40:55.000 Well, I think we missed that generation, that Hendrix and Janis Joplin generation.

00:41:01.000 If you talk to anybody that went through that, they say that the change from the time of their parents to them was so massive and it was so much different than anything this culture had ever seen before.

00:41:12.000 It was a revolutionary change.

00:41:15.000 And that was all fueled by drugs.

00:41:17.000 All of that.

00:41:18.000 That was marijuana and LSD, specifically.

00:41:21.000 That's what was changing all those people.

00:41:24.000 That's why they came up with that sweeping psychedelic act in 1970 that made everything illegal.

00:41:30.000 They didn't even have to have proof of bioavailability.

00:41:34.000 They made some stuff illegal that doesn't even affect you.

00:41:38.000 It doesn't even work.

00:41:39.000 Acid was legal before that, right?

00:41:42.000 Yeah, acid was legal.

00:41:44.000 Psychiatrists used to give people...

00:41:45.000 Cary Grant used to take acid in therapy.

00:41:49.000 Wow, that's heavy.

00:41:53.000 Supposedly, according to McKenna, the federal government originally came up when they found out about acid.

00:41:58.000 They thought it was going to be a truth serum.

00:42:00.000 They thought they were going to be able to give it to the enemy, grab him, hook him up with acid, and then they would tell him all the coordinates for the enemy bases.

00:42:09.000 And then they found out it was not a truth serum.

00:42:11.000 There's no fucking way this is a truth serum.

00:42:13.000 Did you ever take it?

00:42:14.000 No.

00:42:14.000 So then they decided that it was going to be something that they would give their soldiers in case they ever got caught.

00:42:21.000 So you wouldn't tell the truth.

00:42:24.000 But could you fucking imagine?

00:42:27.000 You're in war, okay?

00:42:30.000 You're some poor kid.

00:42:31.000 You've been shipped off to Germany.

00:42:32.000 You've got a machine gun in your hand.

00:42:34.000 People are shooting at you.

00:42:35.000 Bullets are whizzing overhead.

00:42:37.000 And you get captured.

00:42:39.000 Well, how fucking terrified are you?

00:42:41.000 You're shit in your pants.

00:42:42.000 You're going to die.

00:42:42.000 Oh my god, I'm getting captured by the Nazis.

00:42:44.000 And then you take acid.

00:42:48.000 Like, was there ever worse advice ever?

00:42:51.000 No.

00:42:52.000 I mean, proof positive that the government is not looking out for your best interests?

00:42:55.000 They give you fucking acid to take when you get it captured by enemy?

00:42:59.000 Holy fuck.

00:43:01.000 That's so ridiculous.

00:43:02.000 Well, that was always like a paranoia of mine, is getting somebody to put something in my drink.

00:43:07.000 Should be.

00:43:07.000 There's a lot of assholes out there.

00:43:08.000 I never leave but drink in a bar.

00:43:11.000 I never, you know, I always tell, especially women, don't trust anybody unless somebody loves you, you know?

00:43:17.000 I've talked to many people that believe that they were drugged.

00:43:20.000 Many people.

00:43:21.000 I think that there's a lot of guys out there that do that on a regular basis.

00:43:24.000 It's one of the most disgusting things about men.

00:43:29.000 It's this thing that you keep hearing about.

00:43:31.000 I'm sure it happens that women do it too.

00:43:33.000 Whether to other women or whether to men.

00:43:35.000 But I hear about it with men doing it to women a lot.

00:43:38.000 It's scary.

00:43:40.000 Someone would be willing to do that.

00:43:42.000 That they're such a fucking sociopath that they're willing to drug someone.

00:43:46.000 And who wants to be with somebody who's just asleep?

00:43:48.000 I mean, I guess it's a different kind of...

00:43:50.000 They just wanted...

00:43:51.000 I think part of it is they know they're doing something evil.

00:43:54.000 I think part of it is they know they're getting away with something.

00:43:56.000 And they just want to do it because it's a crazy rush.

00:44:00.000 I was thinking about that with rape.

00:44:02.000 There was a woman who was raped in the Lower East Side.

00:44:06.000 Not of her body.

00:44:07.000 I can't believe I went there.

00:44:11.000 That's not funny, Tom.

00:44:12.000 Stop laughing.

00:44:13.000 It is funny, Joe.

00:44:13.000 It's horrible.

00:44:14.000 It's quick.

00:44:15.000 But anyway, I was thinking about how the fuck do you stay hard?

00:44:19.000 I mean, it's got to be just anger and violence because it can't be sex or anything because...

00:44:24.000 How do you stay hard when you're hurting somebody?

00:44:27.000 You know what I mean?

00:44:27.000 For some people.

00:44:28.000 And how do you, you know, take their clothes off and fucking...

00:44:30.000 It's crazy.

00:44:31.000 Yeah.

00:44:31.000 I think some people just have a horrible view of humanity, of themselves, of other people, you know, that...

00:44:39.000 And it almost all comes down to if you're willing to do that to somebody else like that, you don't love yourself.

00:44:46.000 You don't love yourself.

00:44:47.000 You haven't been treated with love.

00:44:48.000 It's really that simple.

00:44:49.000 If you want to hurt someone, scare them and put terror in them, and that somehow or another gives you joy or gives you some sort of a rush, and you're willing to sacrifice this person's safety and health, you don't understand the connection between human beings.

00:45:02.000 You've been raised in a terrible way.

00:45:04.000 Whatever's happened to you along the way is a disaster.

00:45:07.000 You're a fucking terrifying aspect of society.

00:45:10.000 How different we can be programmed.

00:45:11.000 You could react like that.

00:45:13.000 Oh, yeah.

00:45:14.000 I mean, think about all the different...

00:45:15.000 Variables when it comes to creating a human being.

00:45:18.000 If you get abused, that's the big one.

00:45:20.000 People that have been abused and the recidivism rate for people that were raped themselves.

00:45:27.000 The way that they turn to violent and violent sexuality, it's really common.

00:45:35.000 And then the people that do it, the people that abuse kids or abuse anybody, the real issue is they don't seem to get better.

00:45:44.000 It's a weird thing.

00:45:46.000 They always have that desire.

00:45:47.000 They had this guy on a talk show once, and he was talking about it.

00:45:53.000 He was a reformed sex predator.

00:45:55.000 He did time and all that jazz, and he would just talk about how when the thoughts come up, he just fights them back.

00:46:01.000 Well, he was reformed, because a lot of them say that they can't be reformed.

00:46:04.000 Well, he says he can't...

00:46:06.000 I mean, he's controlling it.

00:46:07.000 Right.

00:46:08.000 But, I mean, the fact is he's also admitting that he has these feelings all the time.

00:46:12.000 Right.

00:46:13.000 It's a fucked up thing.

00:46:14.000 Like, what is that?

00:46:16.000 I mean, we want to hate and we want to judge and, you know, it is an awful, awful aspect of humanity.

00:46:23.000 But, just strictly scientifically, like, what is that?

00:46:27.000 He was molested, definitely.

00:46:28.000 Most likely, right?

00:46:29.000 100%, I would not say.

00:46:31.000 Yeah, most likely.

00:46:32.000 Unless there's something else wrong in the development of the mind, some blood got cut off to the wrong area.

00:46:38.000 I mean, I don't know.

00:46:39.000 I'm guessing.

00:46:40.000 But fuck, man.

00:46:41.000 That's a terrible combination.

00:46:43.000 We must figure out how to eliminate that.

00:46:47.000 If you eliminate it, if you look at all the...

00:46:51.000 Look at the 180 degrees of possibilities of people.

00:46:55.000 From really nice people to really fucking evil people.

00:46:58.000 The really evil is a small number.

00:47:01.000 If you could just eliminate all the really fucked up shit people do.

00:47:07.000 Like murder and rape.

00:47:08.000 If you could just take away murder and rape.

00:47:10.000 Just those two.

00:47:11.000 Murder, rape, and robbery.

00:47:13.000 I can understand murder more than rape.

00:47:15.000 Well, I can understand it, yeah.

00:47:17.000 Especially, you know, when you hear about how hot people get just in a row at a movie theater.

00:47:21.000 Oh, yeah.

00:47:22.000 You know, a guy shoots a guy for texting, you know, and whatever words were exchanged.

00:47:27.000 But yeah, but if you could eliminate just that small amount, boy would things be different, man.

00:47:32.000 If you could just figure out a way to not develop rapists, not grow up murderers, not like, you know, if we could just figure out how to do that.

00:47:40.000 Just those things that none of us have done.

00:47:42.000 Just those things that most of our friends haven't done.

00:47:44.000 Just take those, you know, just those rare occurrences and eliminate them or drastically reduce them.

00:47:51.000 The whole world would be different.

00:47:53.000 Remember that comedian Vince something, Vince Champ?

00:47:56.000 Yeah, the one who was the rapist?

00:47:57.000 Yeah, and he would go into...

00:47:59.000 Colleges.

00:48:00.000 Colleges, but also the pattern seemed to be he'd go into the music department where it was soundproof, the room, and the girl would be playing piano.

00:48:08.000 You know, some practicing piano, and that's what he would do.

00:48:11.000 You know, he had the whole thing down.

00:48:12.000 Oh, no.

00:48:13.000 Yeah.

00:48:14.000 Oh, that's terrible.

00:48:14.000 What was his name?

00:48:15.000 Vince Champ?

00:48:15.000 I think it was Vince Champ.

00:48:16.000 I don't know.

00:48:17.000 Yeah, I think that's his name.

00:48:18.000 Because on the wall, the Austin Club, Cap City, they used to have this Vince Champ joke.

00:48:25.000 I forget what the joke was.

00:48:26.000 Oh, really?

00:48:27.000 It was very distasteful about, like, when he got arrested for rape.

00:48:31.000 There's some joke about it.

00:48:32.000 Yeah.

00:48:33.000 That's a long way from a DUI. Yeah, well, it's also like a really creepy thing that this guy was doing.

00:48:41.000 He was doing it over and over again.

00:48:42.000 He was telling them to pray for him.

00:48:45.000 Oh, really?

00:48:46.000 Yeah.

00:48:47.000 Yeah, he would rape these girls and tell them to pray for him.

00:48:51.000 Was that the right name?

00:48:52.000 Right, man?

00:48:53.000 It looks like it, yeah.

00:48:55.000 Yeah, that's right.

00:48:55.000 White guy or black guy?

00:48:56.000 Black guy.

00:48:57.000 Yeah.

00:48:59.000 Like, there's all these reports saying, like, he was a nice guy, everyone said.

00:49:02.000 Yeah.

00:49:03.000 He was down to earth.

00:49:03.000 He's a fairly religious fellow.

00:49:06.000 Yeah.

00:49:08.000 He's still in jail.

00:49:09.000 Oh, yeah.

00:49:10.000 He'll be in jail for a while.

00:49:12.000 Yeah, they keep you in jail for a long time when you're a serial rapist.

00:49:16.000 I mean, how long is he in jail for?

00:49:18.000 Let me write that down along with my comedy club.

00:49:20.000 It's got to be more than 25 years, right?

00:49:21.000 Convicted of rape, kidnapping, and robbery.

00:49:26.000 He stole, too?

00:49:28.000 That wasn't enough?

00:49:29.000 And we're not just talking jokes, Dom.

00:49:32.000 He probably took like little pieces of things from them or something.

00:49:35.000 Oftentimes people supposedly do that.

00:49:38.000 They take little pieces of something from you that connects them like as a trophy.

00:49:43.000 Several rapes of the music, like playing the piano exactly.

00:49:48.000 So awful.

00:49:49.000 Nineteen year old.

00:49:52.000 He was convicted and given life sentences for two assaults in Iowa.

00:49:57.000 With time served for Goodby Harry, he could be released in 2025. He will be 64 years old.

00:50:02.000 How is life 2025?

00:50:05.000 How do they do that?

00:50:07.000 Yeah, life doesn't really mean life anymore.

00:50:10.000 It's like 30 years is life.

00:50:12.000 Well, they're too busy putting people in jail for pot, so there's no fucking room.

00:50:16.000 Do you hear what they're doing with the people in Denver?

00:50:17.000 They're not letting them use banks?

00:50:20.000 Weed is legal.

00:50:21.000 They're selling weed.

00:50:22.000 They made over a million dollars in the first day, and the government says you can't put your money in the bank.

00:50:27.000 What are you going to do?

00:50:29.000 Exactly.

00:50:29.000 Wait, the people that are selling the weed?

00:50:31.000 Exactly.

00:50:32.000 The people that are owning these pot shops.

00:50:34.000 So this isn't doctors or anything, like California?

00:50:37.000 No, no, no, no.

00:50:38.000 This is stores.

00:50:39.000 This is just like in Amsterdam, then?

00:50:41.000 Well, it's just like anything else that's in a store.

00:50:44.000 It's like selling tents or fucking microphone arms.

00:50:48.000 It's whatever.

00:50:48.000 You're selling a product.

00:50:50.000 But the fact that this is available for sale and they have licenses and they start selling it in retail outlets, but the government says you can't put your money in a bank.

00:50:58.000 So they run into some serious danger because you're talking about massive amounts of cash.

00:51:04.000 But they probably had a lot of cash before it was legal.

00:51:06.000 I don't think so.

00:51:07.000 Why would you think so?

00:51:08.000 I mean, some people are just people that took a chance and started a business.

00:51:11.000 Yeah, but they didn't pay with credit cards for when they sold pot on the streets.

00:51:15.000 Any dealers, you know.

00:51:16.000 Well, how do you know that they were dealers before this happened?

00:51:18.000 Oh, I don't.

00:51:18.000 See, now that it's legal in the state, this is like a protected business.

00:51:24.000 Right.

00:51:24.000 It's a business.

00:51:25.000 I mean, it's a real legal business.

00:51:26.000 They have a license to do it and everything.

00:51:28.000 So it becomes a weird thing when you don't let those people put the money in the bank.

00:51:33.000 Because you're creating a really dangerous situation.

00:51:35.000 That doesn't make sense.

00:51:36.000 Yeah, it's really dangerous.

00:51:37.000 I never thought the legality of a part made sense.

00:51:40.000 And I don't even smoke because I have no agenda.

00:51:42.000 It's just such a stupid thing.

00:51:44.000 I mean, compared to anything else.

00:51:46.000 Well, it shows you how the government is not looking out for your best interests.

00:51:49.000 If they're willing to take these people who are doing something that they voted on and they deem lawful and take these people and put them in a weird situation where they can't put their money in a bank, you're being a bully.

00:52:01.000 You're being a cunty, shitty bully and it doesn't make sense.

00:52:05.000 You're not protecting anybody with this.

00:52:07.000 This is actually putting people in danger.

00:52:10.000 So what do you do?

00:52:10.000 You're not going to arrest them.

00:52:12.000 You're going to agree that the state says it's legal and states' rights, as we all agreed on when they formed this silly country, states' rights are supposed to take precedent.

00:52:21.000 It's supposed to be the number one thing and then The federal government is only in charge in times of crisis and emergency and war.

00:52:28.000 But you're supposed to be able to vote on things in your states.

00:52:32.000 That's the whole premise.

00:52:33.000 It's like a little spite move.

00:52:34.000 It's a cunt move.

00:52:35.000 It's a total cunt move.

00:52:37.000 And it's not just a cunt move.

00:52:40.000 It's nerve-wracking.

00:52:41.000 It's like you're forcing these people to stockpile money.

00:52:45.000 If they want to be in business, they have to take bags of money out of there.

00:52:48.000 Anybody can just rob them at any point in time, and you know it, and they know it.

00:52:51.000 And so you put them in this situation where they become targets, and it's a really sneaky way of being a cunt.

00:52:58.000 But you would think that they would want the money to become part of the system, because everybody makes more money, you know?

00:53:02.000 Someone's resisting, and they think somehow or another, as they lose ground over and over and over again, they're going to do this one thing that's going to be good and get them back to the victory column.

00:53:12.000 But it's not.

00:53:13.000 There's too much information now.

00:53:14.000 It's not gonna work anymore.

00:53:16.000 You can't do it anymore.

00:53:16.000 You can't tell us that we can't do something that's normal and natural.

00:53:20.000 There's nothing wrong with pot.

00:53:21.000 If you tell us we can't put money in the bank because we sell pot, then we tell you, what fucking bank?

00:53:26.000 What are you talking about?

00:53:27.000 Who runs this bank?

00:53:28.000 How can you decide what the fuck happens in this bank?

00:53:31.000 Is the government and the bank connected?

00:53:33.000 Like, what's going on here?

00:53:34.000 How can you make this decision?

00:53:35.000 Who owns the money?

00:53:37.000 Right.

00:53:37.000 You know, why can't someone who's legally making it put it in a bank?

00:53:41.000 What are you trying to pull here?

00:53:42.000 Well, you're doing a business move is what you're doing.

00:53:44.000 You're blocking someone out of business.

00:53:46.000 That's what you're doing.

00:53:47.000 The government, though.

00:53:49.000 Suppose they sell pot and shrubbery, right?

00:53:51.000 So they're making the money.

00:53:52.000 What do you do?

00:53:53.000 Who dictates which money came from the pot?

00:53:56.000 Well, you'll have to have receipts.

00:53:57.000 Oh, okay.

00:53:58.000 Tom Herrera, Accountant 101. Smart as a whip, Joe.

00:54:02.000 Yeah, that's why, you know, you can't deduct everything.

00:54:04.000 If you deduct too much, the government goes after you.

00:54:06.000 Just in spite.

00:54:08.000 And then they go after your ass.

00:54:09.000 They'll peak up your ass every four years.

00:54:11.000 Like, I remember when, before they had to claim stuff, and I was a valet in Brooklyn.

00:54:17.000 We would make so much fucking money.

00:54:18.000 I had a suitcase full of ones.

00:54:20.000 It looked like I robbed the dollar store.

00:54:22.000 It was the greatest.

00:54:24.000 Now, waiters and waitresses have to claim everything.

00:54:26.000 Right.

00:54:27.000 Yeah.

00:54:27.000 But that was a great world in the 80s before it all changed.

00:54:31.000 They came down hard on them.

00:54:33.000 On tips?

00:54:34.000 Yeah.

00:54:35.000 Did you ever work for tips, Joe?

00:54:37.000 Sort of.

00:54:38.000 I worked at a car wash.

00:54:40.000 You got paid in tips there.

00:54:41.000 Oh, right.

00:54:42.000 A couple different places.

00:54:43.000 Limo driver, kind of.

00:54:44.000 Limo driver, yeah.

00:54:45.000 You got tips as a limo driver.

00:54:47.000 But, you know...

00:54:49.000 It's not the big part of it.

00:54:50.000 You never had a waiter though?

00:54:51.000 No, I never worked as a waiter.

00:54:52.000 I worked as a cook a couple places.

00:54:54.000 Really?

00:54:55.000 Yeah.

00:54:55.000 I worked as a cook at a Papa Gino's in Massachusetts and a place called Newport Creamery.

00:55:00.000 That's gotta be fucking hard.

00:55:02.000 Cheeseburgers and shit.

00:55:03.000 I was a kid in high school.

00:55:04.000 It was a good gig.

00:55:07.000 Everyone was fucking everybody.

00:55:09.000 Really?

00:55:09.000 Oh, my God.

00:55:10.000 There was these hot girls that worked at Newport Creamery and me and a couple other savages, these guys.

00:55:16.000 And we were all coming into puberty.

00:55:20.000 Everybody was like 16, 17. We were all coming into...

00:55:24.000 I shouldn't even say puberty.

00:55:25.000 We were becoming young adults and men.

00:55:29.000 And everybody was fucking.

00:55:31.000 Everybody.

00:55:31.000 It was like this constant hookup.

00:55:33.000 It was like all this gossip.

00:55:35.000 You don't think of people working flipping cheeseburgers getting laid.

00:55:38.000 Dude.

00:55:38.000 It was great.

00:55:39.000 It was all high school kids.

00:55:40.000 It was a complete, utter orgy.

00:55:44.000 It was the girl who worked at the counter would blow you, and this guy was trying to bang everybody, and this guy didn't give a fuck, and this girl fucked these three guys one night.

00:55:58.000 She got hammered.

00:55:59.000 It was craziness.

00:56:01.000 There's a girl at the left factory that really wants to fuck you.

00:56:04.000 Ew.

00:56:04.000 Yeah, and I told her.

00:56:06.000 Last night, she's asked me.

00:56:09.000 Let's not talk about this on the air.

00:56:11.000 No, no.

00:56:12.000 Everything's cool.

00:56:13.000 I told her you're married and happy and love your family, so I said leave them alone.

00:56:17.000 Thank you.

00:56:18.000 Appreciate it.

00:56:19.000 Well, you know.

00:56:19.000 Goddamn wolves.

00:56:22.000 They're out there.

00:56:23.000 I think it would be way creepier if you were a chick, though.

00:56:25.000 If you were a famous chick that a bunch of guys wanted to fuck, that would be very unnerving.

00:56:29.000 That shit would be unnerving.

00:56:30.000 Amy Schumer?

00:56:33.000 Is that her name, Amy Schumer?

00:56:34.000 Yeah, oh, the comedian?

00:56:35.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:56:36.000 Were you saying a lot of guys want to fuck her?

00:56:37.000 Oh, yeah.

00:56:38.000 Do you want to fuck her?

00:56:38.000 Is that what you're saying?

00:56:39.000 Yeah, I do.

00:56:39.000 Oh.

00:56:40.000 It's a weird time for a confession.

00:56:42.000 I feel better now.

00:56:43.000 I've got it off my mind.

00:56:46.000 Where did that come from?

00:56:47.000 All of a sudden, you're talking about Amy Schumer.

00:56:49.000 You ever whack one off to Amy Schumer?

00:56:50.000 What's that?

00:56:51.000 You ever whack one off to Amy Schumer?

00:56:52.000 No.

00:56:53.000 I don't, dude.

00:56:53.000 I don't whack off to individuals.

00:56:55.000 Groups.

00:56:58.000 You have like a wall and you have female comedians.

00:57:02.000 Sarah Silverman.

00:57:03.000 Blue singers.

00:57:05.000 Janine Garofalo.

00:57:06.000 No, I'm not Janine Garofalo.

00:57:07.000 I like women.

00:57:09.000 Oh, how dare you, Tom Herrera.

00:57:11.000 How dare you?

00:57:12.000 She's a woman.

00:57:13.000 She's the unfunniest.

00:57:14.000 Let me tell you something.

00:57:16.000 I worked in Montreal for fucking years, and one thing she has is balls and she's a good actress, but I have never seen anybody suck the energy out of a room.

00:57:26.000 You know how, remember the club soda?

00:57:28.000 Uh-huh.

00:57:28.000 And she is so fucking strong a woman, but she's so fucking, she was so bad that they didn't know what, I saw people like trying to think of something funny that happened to them that day, so maybe they could smile.

00:57:39.000 Ugh.

00:57:40.000 And she died so badly, and she turns to me, and it's like almost in slow motion, like a twilight zone.

00:57:45.000 She goes, Dom, did you give me the light?

00:57:47.000 I go, Janine, I don't give lights.

00:57:48.000 I'm just hosting the show.

00:57:49.000 Whatever you want.

00:57:50.000 You want to come off?

00:57:50.000 She goes, no, I'll stay.

00:57:52.000 I'll stay and fucking die for three more minutes.

00:57:55.000 It was brutal.

00:57:56.000 Anyway.

00:57:57.000 Well, she's a person that...

00:57:59.000 She's very smart, obviously.

00:58:01.000 She's very opinionated.

00:58:02.000 She was a good radio host.

00:58:04.000 She was on that Air America show.

00:58:06.000 She's a snotty fuck.

00:58:07.000 She's very smart.

00:58:08.000 Yeah, she's smart.

00:58:09.000 But I think in that intelligence, you can sometimes be really caught up in it and take yourself super seriously.

00:58:15.000 And then when you do, a lot of times you lose your sense of humor.

00:58:17.000 She was so rude to me.

00:58:19.000 I did Marc Maron's podcast in Austin, and she was on, and she said they were talking about some terrorist thing, and I just, I said, oh, that, you know, I named the wrong guy, right?

00:58:30.000 I was just, like, not paying attention.

00:58:32.000 Her and Norton and these people, she goes, is he serious?

00:58:34.000 Is he serious?

00:58:35.000 Like, I wasn't there.

00:58:36.000 Is he serious?

00:58:36.000 I just wanted to fucking throttle her, and I just was nice, and when I went on stage with her, I was fine.

00:58:42.000 That's a very Hollywood move of...

00:58:44.000 What?

00:58:45.000 Is he serious?

00:58:46.000 Well, you interrupted their really exciting talk about obscure shit.

00:58:51.000 Right.

00:58:52.000 Or political shit.

00:58:53.000 Or world leaders that they think need to be addressed.

00:58:57.000 Yeah.

00:58:59.000 People get angry if people are not on the same page, you know?

00:59:02.000 I think it's funny when I talk to someone and they don't even know what the fuck Twitter is.

00:59:05.000 I think it's funny.

00:59:06.000 I don't get angry at them.

00:59:07.000 I don't feel like, you don't know Twitter.

00:59:09.000 Like, really?

00:59:10.000 What you know is what you know.

00:59:11.000 I mean, look, I know a lot about sports.

00:59:13.000 You don't follow the NFL like I do.

00:59:15.000 But I would never be like, you know, come on, Joe, how could you not know that?

00:59:18.000 The only thing I could see that would be annoying is if you were interrupting.

00:59:21.000 If it was like a really important conversation for them and they thought they were really getting at a good point.

00:59:27.000 And you were cracking some joke about the wrong guy.

00:59:29.000 No, I didn't do that.

00:59:31.000 I just was asking, was that the guy?

00:59:33.000 And that's what she said.

00:59:35.000 It was the guy who was the president of Iran they were talking about.

00:59:38.000 People take themselves really seriously.

00:59:40.000 But I've done that before.

00:59:42.000 I've taken myself too seriously before.

00:59:43.000 Or getting too caught up in an idea before.

00:59:46.000 The point where you think it's more important than just being a person.

00:59:50.000 Yeah, but part of that is what makes you such a fucking hilarious comedian.

00:59:53.000 Because your point of view...

00:59:55.000 It's unobstructed.

00:59:57.000 Once you believe in something, that's it.

00:59:59.000 And I like that just kind of commitment to it.

01:00:02.000 You know what I mean?

01:00:03.000 I mean, like the things about the universe and when you get into certain things, I don't know how much you really know, but it's almost like you're preaching, but not in a bad way, not in a pedantic way, but just in a way like, holy shit.

01:00:16.000 I think that's why you have so many fans, because you're so fucking strong in your beliefs.

01:00:20.000 Some more people waver than you.

01:00:23.000 Maybe.

01:00:24.000 I don't know, man.

01:00:24.000 When we talk about things like the universe or just the realities of this strange dimension that we exist in.

01:00:31.000 We have that same thought about the Earth's orbit and we have no control over it.

01:00:37.000 Because I told you that agoraphobic thing that I have where I will walk onto the beach and be afraid I'll be sucked into the atmosphere.

01:00:44.000 Yeah.

01:00:44.000 And that's fucking wacky.

01:00:45.000 That's pretty crazy.

01:00:46.000 Yeah.

01:00:47.000 And like I'd be the first one since the Blessed Mother that ascended into heaven.

01:00:51.000 You know, you're just laying on the beach and all of a sudden I'm fucking shooting up into the sky.

01:00:56.000 That's a weird fear.

01:00:58.000 I know.

01:00:59.000 But...

01:00:59.000 I always carry anchors with me to the beach.

01:01:03.000 We're so lucky that this is a time where you could go on to just, you know, space.com or any io9.com.

01:01:11.000 There's a million different websites that could show you these crazy videos of the universe and crazy new things they're discovering every day.

01:01:17.000 I think this would be a shame to not, like, take part in the wonder of that all.

01:01:23.000 Because it's all going on right now.

01:01:25.000 And the revelations that these guys are figuring out on a, you know, weekly, monthly, and yearly basis are fucking incredible.

01:01:32.000 They just took a photograph of a planet and a star.

01:01:35.000 I saw that.

01:01:36.000 60-something million light years away.

01:01:38.000 But it's already burned out, but we just got the light from it.

01:01:41.000 Yeah.

01:01:42.000 Is that true?

01:01:42.000 Yeah.

01:01:43.000 It's already gone in reality, but it took so long for the light to get here, we just got it.

01:01:47.000 That hurts my brain!

01:01:52.000 That hurts my brain.

01:01:53.000 When you're looking at a star, you're seeing a star that may be already gone.

01:01:58.000 Well, the thing that fucks me up is that there's no end to the universe.

01:02:01.000 Yeah.

01:02:02.000 Because I'm used to an end, like the end of the trail, the end of this, the end of a relationship, some kind of fucking end.

01:02:08.000 But there's no end to the enormity of space.

01:02:11.000 That blows me away.

01:02:12.000 Well, not only is there no end to it, this is what they're saying now.

01:02:16.000 It doesn't make any sense to me, but they believe that the universe may be broken down into individual sizes, but then these individual universes exist in parallel with a bunch of other,

01:02:31.000 like infinite number of individual universes.

01:02:34.000 So what they think is that this is impossible for me to even understand, so I shouldn't even be relaying it, but this is how it's been explained.

01:02:42.000 Inside every black hole, they think, is the portal to another universe.

01:02:46.000 Inside every galaxy is a black hole.

01:02:48.000 So when you look out, you see 100 million galaxies.

01:02:51.000 What you're seeing is 100 million universes.

01:02:53.000 And each side, each galaxy, if you go through the black hole...

01:02:57.000 Do they quaff?

01:02:58.000 I don't know.

01:02:58.000 They probably do.

01:02:59.000 And somewhere on those planets, imagine if Tiffany Haddish was the first person to queef into a microphone in the universe.

01:03:05.000 Queef.

01:03:05.000 In the whole universe.

01:03:07.000 Quaff.

01:03:08.000 Maybe that's what brings the aliens here.

01:03:10.000 We never thought of that.

01:03:11.000 We can do that.

01:03:12.000 We never thought of that.

01:03:12.000 Not into a mic, at least.

01:03:14.000 This is truly groundbreaking, this American art form of stand-up comedy.

01:03:18.000 So what they're saying is it's like a fractal.

01:03:22.000 You know what a fractal is?

01:03:23.000 You ever seen a fractal image?

01:03:25.000 No.

01:03:25.000 A fractal image is a geometric image that as you get closer and closer and smaller and smaller and closer in, you realize that the same image repeats itself over and over and over again infinitely.

01:03:37.000 One of the more fascinating ones is called the Mandelbrot set.

01:03:41.000 Google Mandelbrot set fractal.

01:03:45.000 Video, because there's a video where they show how it works.

01:03:50.000 First of all, it looks like a design.

01:03:52.000 You just look at it, it's like, okay, it's just some weird design.

01:03:55.000 It looks like a logo for a cartoon or something like that.

01:04:00.000 Just some weird design.

01:04:02.000 But then as you get closer and closer to this design, it branches out.

01:04:05.000 All along the edges are not smooth, and around the edges are in fact...

01:04:10.000 The exact same pattern of the Mandelbrot set, the way it looks on the outside, and then as you get closer in, you see it again, and closer in, you see it more.

01:04:18.000 It never ends.

01:04:20.000 It's infinite.

01:04:21.000 Like, what do you got there?

01:04:24.000 Mandelbrot set.

01:04:25.000 You see that thing to the right of it?

01:04:27.000 See that thing to the right?

01:04:28.000 The black one?

01:04:29.000 That's the Mandelbrot set.

01:04:30.000 No, no, no.

01:04:31.000 The one above it.

01:04:33.000 The one above that.

01:04:35.000 See that one?

01:04:36.000 The black one?

01:04:37.000 Yeah, that's it.

01:04:37.000 The black one.

01:04:38.000 That's the Mandelbrot set.

01:04:42.000 Fractals are fascinating, man, because they're able to create these things with computers that didn't exist 50 years ago.

01:04:50.000 Actually, I don't even know when they invented fractals.

01:04:53.000 I think it might have been even more recently than 50 years ago.

01:04:57.000 But the idea behind them all is that they're infinite.

01:05:02.000 That as you go deeper into the macro, you see that this pattern repeats itself over and over again.

01:05:09.000 This is the best way to describe it.

01:05:11.000 A fractal is a mathematical set that typically displays self-similar patterns, which means that they are the same from near as far.

01:05:18.000 Often they have an irregular or fractured appearance, but not always.

01:05:23.000 Fractals may be exactly the same at every scale Or, as illustrated in Figure 1, they may be nearly the same at different scales.

01:05:32.000 The definition of fractal goes beyond self-similarity.

01:05:35.000 Anyway, what they think is that the universe is like this.

01:05:40.000 I think that inside every black hole is a whole other universe.

01:05:44.000 Not only is it infinite, but it might even have its own laws.

01:05:48.000 It may have its own physical laws of movement and weight and gravity and light and all those things might be different.

01:05:54.000 It might be off.

01:05:54.000 It might be a completely different existence.

01:05:56.000 And then inside those universes are hundreds of billions of galaxies.

01:06:01.000 And inside them, hundreds of billions of infinite new universes.

01:06:05.000 I always think of that when they say, you know, we're searching for a place that has water so they can have life.

01:06:09.000 But how do we know that there can't be different kinds of lives that don't depend on water?

01:06:14.000 It all hurts my head.

01:06:16.000 It all hurts my head.

01:06:17.000 And that's why I'm a comedian, ladies and gentlemen.

01:06:21.000 Is this thing on?

01:06:22.000 It really does hurt my head when I start thinking about that each galaxy would actually be infinite.

01:06:27.000 Like they'll say that even though maybe the universe is 15 billion light years across, it's still infinite.

01:06:33.000 Because even though it's impossible to measure...

01:06:37.000 A billion light years.

01:06:38.000 Yeah, 15 billion light years.

01:06:40.000 Light travels at 186,000 miles per second.

01:06:43.000 A billion of that.

01:06:45.000 And 15 billion.

01:06:47.000 I mean, that's the idea, is that the Big Bang occurred 14-something billion years ago, and from then on, it's just been this expansion, this slow expansion to what we are today.

01:06:58.000 So what club are you working this week?

01:06:59.000 I'm not working.

01:07:00.000 I'm going pig hunting.

01:07:02.000 Are you really?

01:07:02.000 With Callan?

01:07:03.000 No, no, no.

01:07:05.000 Steve Rinella.

01:07:06.000 We're not filming this.

01:07:07.000 We're just going to go shoot some wild boars.

01:07:09.000 Are you serious?

01:07:10.000 I'm totally serious.

01:07:11.000 Wow.

01:07:12.000 You've got this whole alternate life, man.

01:07:14.000 Well, I'm very excited about this little hunting thing.

01:07:16.000 I've become obsessed.

01:07:18.000 You should get a GoPro, man.

01:07:19.000 I would really like to see, like, you know, you can get a GoPro that attaches to your chest or your helmet or whatever.

01:07:24.000 With a rifle.

01:07:25.000 Yeah.

01:07:26.000 The GoPro on the rifle would be the way to go, right?

01:07:28.000 Yeah.

01:07:28.000 You see the bullet come out.

01:07:30.000 I wonder if you can do that.

01:07:31.000 Where do you go pig hunting?

01:07:32.000 There's a ranch.

01:07:33.000 We're going to a ranch in Northern California.

01:07:35.000 And they put the pigs out there?

01:07:36.000 No, no, no.

01:07:37.000 They're wild.

01:07:37.000 Oh, they're wild?

01:07:38.000 They're wild boars.

01:07:39.000 Wow.

01:07:39.000 Yeah, they're these crazy-looking monster animals.

01:07:43.000 You ever seen a wild boar?

01:07:44.000 Yeah, I've seen them.

01:07:46.000 Well, wild boars are one of the few animals you can hunt all year round because they have to keep the population in check.

01:07:52.000 If they don't keep the population in check, the results are disastrous.

01:07:56.000 A perfect example is they opened up a highway in Texas.

01:07:58.000 The night they opened it up, there was some insane number, like 40 accidents, car accidents where people hit pigs.

01:08:04.000 Really?

01:08:05.000 Yeah, because they're fucking everywhere.

01:08:06.000 Texas has an insane amount of pigs.

01:08:09.000 Insane amount, and they're really out of control to the point where they eradicate them through helicopters.

01:08:15.000 They have helicopters that fly over herds and just gun them all down.

01:08:18.000 Wow.

01:08:18.000 Yeah, it's crazy.

01:08:19.000 Now, do you eat them?

01:08:20.000 Oh, yeah.

01:08:21.000 Oh, they're delicious.

01:08:22.000 They're really good.

01:08:23.000 They're really tasty, and they're, you know, of course, depending on what they're eating.

01:08:27.000 If you get pigs that are near people, you're going to get pigs that, you know, they might be eating some garbage.

01:08:32.000 They might get ahold of some people.

01:08:32.000 But if you're having pigs that are living out in the wild, They're sort of omnivores.

01:08:38.000 They'll eat some meat, they'll eat grasses, they'll eat plants, they'll eat vegetables.

01:08:41.000 They eat a lot of things, but they're super lean, and they're fucking mean looking.

01:08:46.000 What is that?

01:08:46.000 This is a guy named Caleb that I met in Austin, and this is his dogs attacking a wild boar that got on his farm, I believe it was.

01:08:55.000 Okay, I don't want to see this, man.

01:08:57.000 I don't want to see this.

01:08:58.000 This is gross.

01:08:59.000 It's crazy.

01:09:01.000 There's one way they hunt them, man.

01:09:02.000 They use dogs.

01:09:04.000 And they sick dogs on them, and the dogs hold them in place, and then they come along and cut the pig's throat.

01:09:09.000 When I say they, not this ranch.

01:09:11.000 They do that in Hawaii a lot, and they do that in Texas a lot.

01:09:16.000 They use dogs.

01:09:19.000 The dogs hold the pig down, and then they stab them.

01:09:21.000 It's really kind of fucking crazy.

01:09:23.000 I think that shooting an animal is probably the most ethical way.

01:09:27.000 I mean, period of ending an animal's life.

01:09:30.000 If you're going to eat meat, even if you're buying meat that's in a store, you're dealing with the fact that that animal was a fucking slave.

01:09:37.000 That animal was just sitting around waiting for its death from the moment it was alive.

01:09:41.000 But if you're getting an animal in the wild, you're dealing with something that is completely off the grid.

01:09:47.000 And then you're stepping into its world for a bit and taking something out of it.

01:09:52.000 And eating that.

01:09:53.000 And that's going to be your food.

01:09:55.000 Yeah, with him, the pigs were attacking his property and his dogs found him.

01:09:59.000 The dogs were just walking around and the pig attacked the dogs.

01:10:03.000 Yeah, they'll kill your dogs.

01:10:04.000 They'll kill your dogs.

01:10:05.000 Will they go after a person?

01:10:06.000 They'll kill people.

01:10:07.000 If you have them in a pen, that's a really common thing with pigs.

01:10:10.000 By the way, these wild pigs, according to Steve Rinella, even wild boars, it's essentially the same animal.

01:10:15.000 They can interbreed.

01:10:17.000 They breed back and forth with each other.

01:10:18.000 There's different strains, but they're essentially the same animal.

01:10:21.000 But if you keep domestic pigs and you fall in when you're feeding them, good luck.

01:10:26.000 Really?

01:10:26.000 Yeah, they might eat you.

01:10:27.000 They might just bite the fucking shit out of you.

01:10:29.000 And once they bite you and they find out that they can eat you, they don't care about you.

01:10:33.000 They're gonna keep eating you.

01:10:34.000 They're gonna hold you down and fucking eat you.

01:10:36.000 And no evidence.

01:10:37.000 Yeah, they'll eat everything.

01:10:38.000 They'll eat your goddamn teeth.

01:10:41.000 They'll eat everything.

01:10:42.000 They'll smash everything up.

01:10:43.000 They're fucking monsters, man.

01:10:45.000 And they taste delicious.

01:10:47.000 Nothing like bacon.

01:10:48.000 Well, in the South, they have a lot of the wild boars and the domestic hogs.

01:10:53.000 They're like sort of interbreeding.

01:10:56.000 And they're making these giant fucking wild pigs.

01:10:59.000 Have you ever seen or heard of Hogzilla?

01:11:02.000 No.

01:11:02.000 Okay, pull up the image of Hogzilla.

01:11:04.000 You won't even believe this is a real animal.

01:11:07.000 They're having these pigs that are like the size of cows.

01:11:10.000 Like a normal pig, you know, they get pretty big.

01:11:12.000 You know, domestic pigs, they get pretty huge.

01:11:14.000 I think they can get a thousand pounds.

01:11:17.000 Really?

01:11:17.000 Yeah.

01:11:18.000 But these fucking things are ridiculous.

01:11:21.000 Look at the size of that.

01:11:22.000 That's a perspective one.

01:11:23.000 There's one where it's hanging upside down.

01:11:25.000 That's not the Hogzilla one either.

01:11:26.000 That's a different large wild boar.

01:11:31.000 That's it.

01:11:31.000 Holy shit.

01:11:32.000 Yeah, look at that.

01:11:33.000 Okay, that guy's standing right behind that fucking thing.

01:11:36.000 He's not too far away.

01:11:37.000 See, because his foot is parallel to the paw of the pig.

01:11:40.000 So the argument that this is like a perspective shot I think fades away because that guy's touching that thing.

01:11:46.000 That's a big fucking animal.

01:11:48.000 Now, is there a chance you'd come across some of them?

01:11:50.000 No, no, no, no.

01:11:52.000 That's like a Deep South thing.

01:11:53.000 That's a Georgia thing.

01:11:55.000 They've had that in...

01:11:57.000 That is fucking freaky, man.

01:11:59.000 I think Georgia's where they've gotten the biggest ones.

01:12:02.000 So that's because of a certain kind of breeding.

01:12:04.000 They breed them, huh?

01:12:05.000 Well, the wild pigs and the domestic pigs are breeding.

01:12:08.000 And then sometimes if they get out, they can get really big.

01:12:12.000 I mean, who knows what it could be?

01:12:13.000 It could be that...

01:12:14.000 I'm just guessing.

01:12:15.000 But it could be that someone fucked around with genetics.

01:12:17.000 Look at the size of that thing.

01:12:19.000 Jesus fucking Christ, Damarera.

01:12:22.000 That is a huge animal.

01:12:23.000 Don't tell me it's fast, too.

01:12:25.000 Oh, they run.

01:12:26.000 Really?

01:12:26.000 Oh, they run fast.

01:12:27.000 And they're muscular as shit, man.

01:12:29.000 Holy shit.

01:12:29.000 They're notoriously tough.

01:12:31.000 But the flesh is really lean and really good for you.

01:12:34.000 Imagine the wake.

01:12:34.000 Imagine the olgy, the guy who got killed by a pig.

01:12:36.000 It's not the first.

01:12:37.000 People trying not to laugh.

01:12:39.000 I wouldn't think people would be laughing, Dom.

01:12:41.000 I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you.

01:12:42.000 Someone lost their life.

01:12:44.000 Look at that thing.

01:12:45.000 Yeah, but to a pig.

01:12:45.000 Look at that fucking pig.

01:12:47.000 Tell me you don't think that pig would take you out?

01:12:49.000 That pig was running after you?

01:12:51.000 Joe, I don't know if you know how nimble I am.

01:12:56.000 Well, your tongue is very...

01:12:57.000 I shouldn't have taken that Xanax.

01:13:01.000 Yeah, pigs are giant.

01:13:03.000 They can get really big.

01:13:04.000 Real aggressive.

01:13:05.000 And they have, um, what is this?

01:13:07.000 I don't know.

01:13:08.000 It's just mixing with the pig photos.

01:13:10.000 It makes no sense.

01:13:12.000 Um, anyway.

01:13:13.000 Yeah.

01:13:14.000 So, pig hunting.

01:13:16.000 That's what I'm doing this weekend.

01:13:18.000 Where are you working?

01:13:19.000 Tampa.

01:13:20.000 Side splitters.

01:13:21.000 Sorry about the shameless plug.

01:13:23.000 No worries, man.

01:13:24.000 It's ineffective.

01:13:25.000 I won't do it again.

01:13:26.000 Are you staying at a ranch?

01:13:27.000 Are you camping?

01:13:29.000 No, I'm doing...

01:13:29.000 I stay at a hotel.

01:13:32.000 Oh, are you talking to Joe?

01:13:34.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:13:35.000 I stay at a ranch.

01:13:37.000 Should be fascinating.

01:13:39.000 Who are you going with?

01:13:40.000 This guy, Steve Rinella.

01:13:42.000 He's going to be on the podcast Friday.

01:13:44.000 Oh, cool.

01:13:44.000 Is he an expert on this stuff?

01:13:46.000 Yeah, he's a hunter.

01:13:47.000 He has a TV show called Meat Eater.

01:13:50.000 Uh-huh.

01:13:50.000 I'll have to check it out.

01:13:51.000 Yeah.

01:13:52.000 Exciting stuff.

01:13:52.000 What's it on, Discovery?

01:13:54.000 No, Meat Eater is on the Sportsman's Network, I think.

01:13:56.000 They've got so many fucking networks.

01:13:58.000 You know they have a military network?

01:13:59.000 Mm-hmm.

01:14:00.000 Yeah.

01:14:01.000 It's all just people shooting shit.

01:14:03.000 Yeah.

01:14:04.000 What was that in the Hitler network?

01:14:06.000 Well, that's history.

01:14:07.000 That's what they called it.

01:14:08.000 Well, history is all like shitty reality shows.

01:14:10.000 They're like moonshiners.

01:14:12.000 Yeah, but I mean, on the History Channel, they show Hitler more than anything.

01:14:15.000 Do they really?

01:14:16.000 Well, every time I turn it on, yeah.

01:14:18.000 History seems to be more like reality shows now than anything.

01:14:21.000 They're all giving up.

01:14:22.000 Yeah.

01:14:22.000 It's almost like you have to have reality shows on.

01:14:24.000 Yeah.

01:14:24.000 If you try to put Nova on every night and fucking science documentaries, people just go click, next, whatever.

01:14:30.000 Yeah.

01:14:31.000 They want to watch some rednecks.

01:14:33.000 Yeah, what's that, Duck Dynasty?

01:14:34.000 Yeah.

01:14:35.000 Have you seen Moonshiners?

01:14:36.000 Is it good?

01:14:37.000 It's the dumbest one of all time.

01:14:38.000 Oh, yeah?

01:14:38.000 It's the most fake, dumbest one of all time.

01:14:41.000 Because cops are looking into the car.

01:14:43.000 Like, they're shooting this from the car.

01:14:45.000 The cop's looking into the fucking car.

01:14:47.000 There's a television camera, and the cop doesn't bring it up.

01:14:50.000 The cop's like, so where are you off to?

01:14:52.000 What's going on here?

01:14:53.000 He's looking into the car, at the fucking camera, and he's not going, what's the camera?

01:14:58.000 What's going on?

01:14:58.000 What are you doing?

01:14:59.000 And no one says, well, we're here shooting a TV show.

01:15:01.000 That never comes up.

01:15:02.000 No one ever says we're shooting a TV show.

01:15:05.000 So these cops are lying.

01:15:06.000 Everyone's lying.

01:15:07.000 They're all fakers.

01:15:08.000 They're just staring at the camera.

01:15:08.000 I wonder if they do another take...

01:15:10.000 They probably do.

01:15:11.000 They're fucking selling moonshine.

01:15:13.000 That's illegal.

01:15:14.000 If it was moonshine, they would all be arrested.

01:15:16.000 There would be no show.

01:15:17.000 I mean, what they're saying is that they have these backyard stills.

01:15:20.000 Right.

01:15:20.000 They make moonshine.

01:15:21.000 So I think now what they're trying to do is say that it's all fiction and that everything has been legal and nothing illegal.

01:15:29.000 It's only water in those stills and it's all just...

01:15:33.000 But why do they even have moonshine when alcohol is legal?

01:15:36.000 Because they want to make their own.

01:15:37.000 They don't want to have to put a tax stamp on it.

01:15:40.000 They want to be able to make it super potent.

01:15:42.000 You should be able to make moonshine just like you should be able to make beer.

01:15:45.000 You can get absinthe now, can't you?

01:15:47.000 I think you can get absinthe in certain dosages.

01:15:53.000 We're in Ireland, and Mitch Hedberg said to me, he goes, Dom, I've been sober all day.

01:15:58.000 I go, good for you, Mitch.

01:15:59.000 I love Mitch.

01:16:00.000 And he goes, yeah, because I want to do absinthe tonight, and I want to see what it's like from zero to 100. So the only reason he was staying sober was to see how fucked up he got on furniture polish, basically.

01:16:12.000 It's not furniture polish.

01:16:13.000 It's like alcohol.

01:16:15.000 Absinthe is like alcohol.

01:16:15.000 Have you ever had it?

01:16:16.000 Yeah, I've had it a couple times.

01:16:18.000 It's weird.

01:16:19.000 Is it too strong?

01:16:20.000 It's a weird feeling.

01:16:21.000 It's like a cousin of drunk.

01:16:24.000 It's like drunks next door neighbor.

01:16:26.000 You don't hallucinate.

01:16:27.000 You're all partying in the same party, but there's a fence between them.

01:16:30.000 No, there's no hallucination.

01:16:31.000 It's just like being drunk.

01:16:32.000 Yeah.

01:16:33.000 It's just a weird drunk.

01:16:35.000 Tastes weird.

01:16:36.000 It's like black licorice-ish.

01:16:38.000 Yeah, I'm not so sure I like it.

01:16:40.000 Did you drink a shot or like a real...

01:16:42.000 Oh, I had several.

01:16:43.000 Yeah.

01:16:43.000 No kidding.

01:16:44.000 Mm-hmm.

01:16:46.000 Yeah, I had it a long time ago in Canada.

01:16:49.000 That was the first time I ever did it.

01:16:51.000 I never see you drunk.

01:16:52.000 Yeah, I'm pretty smart about that.

01:16:54.000 It's not a good thing to do.

01:16:55.000 No, not really driving that beautiful car you have.

01:16:57.000 Well, that I don't do definitely, but getting drunk, period, in public?

01:17:02.000 Yeah.

01:17:05.000 We should get drunk at your house some night.

01:17:06.000 You want to get drunk?

01:17:07.000 Is that what you're saying?

01:17:08.000 I want to smoke pot.

01:17:09.000 I told you.

01:17:10.000 Well, let's do it.

01:17:11.000 What we should do is...

01:17:12.000 I want to smoke pot in a safe thing.

01:17:13.000 We should get drunk on the podcast and you should smoke pot as well.

01:17:16.000 That'll be our next podcast.

01:17:17.000 Sounds good.

01:17:18.000 Well, we got a plan.

01:17:19.000 We can do it right now.

01:17:20.000 You got two hours.

01:17:22.000 We don't even.

01:17:24.000 We don't even.

01:17:24.000 It's 1.30.

01:17:26.000 And Dom Herrera is not a man who likes to do things impulsively.

01:17:30.000 He likes to plan things.

01:17:32.000 He likes to schedule it in advance.

01:17:33.000 I was talking about you last night about what a fucking animal you are.

01:17:36.000 You can't just shoot pool with Joe for an hour.

01:17:41.000 It's got to be three hours.

01:17:43.000 Everything he does.

01:17:44.000 I said, I feel bad for his wife.

01:17:47.000 She's got to be tough.

01:17:49.000 I'm obsessive.

01:17:50.000 It's probably not healthy.

01:17:51.000 You've got a lot of energy, man.

01:17:53.000 I don't see where it hurts you.

01:17:55.000 You've got a great career.

01:17:56.000 What the fuck?

01:17:57.000 Great life.

01:17:58.000 Well, yeah.

01:17:58.000 I think being obsessive, though, can definitely hurt if it gets out of control.

01:18:02.000 Yeah.

01:18:03.000 It's just a matter of...

01:18:05.000 Channeling, like, obsessive thinking or the tendency to, like, follow things down to the ground, chase them down till they're dead.

01:18:14.000 But you've changed, Joe.

01:18:15.000 Like I told you, like, you know the thing about Michael Jordan, where they go, well, he didn't even beat his mother in ping pong, you know, whatever, he has to beat everybody and everything.

01:18:23.000 And I think, well, you know, there comes a point where he's an asshole.

01:18:28.000 Not that you were ever an asshole, because you never were, but you were so mad at yourself when we used to shoot pool and stuff.

01:18:34.000 Oh, I missed, yeah.

01:18:35.000 And you've lightened up considerably.

01:18:37.000 Well, I realized somewhere along the way that that's a very faulty way of thinking, and that that's all it is.

01:18:44.000 It's like being upset because you did something wrong doesn't make the doing something wrong better.

01:18:50.000 And just like outwardly expressing it, in fact, is indulgent.

01:18:54.000 And the really intelligent thing to do is to accept the fact that there's this shift in the way you feel because you're upset that something went wrong or whatever.

01:19:04.000 Yeah.

01:19:04.000 But you've got to internalize that.

01:19:06.000 And that's part of being a man.

01:19:08.000 And being a spoiled little boy or a brash, young, cocky boy, people fucking get mad, throw things around when they're upset.

01:19:18.000 If they miss a shot, I mean, I've seen guys in pool tournaments miss a shot and snap their stick on the ground.

01:19:23.000 Well, yeah, I play with this guy, Harlan Jamison, he owns Bananas, and I don't know if you ever worked that club.

01:19:29.000 Poughkeepsie?

01:19:29.000 Yeah, Poughkeepsie.

01:19:30.000 Yeah, I've done that one.

01:19:31.000 Way back.

01:19:32.000 We'd be shooting pool, and he was a pretty good player, and he would bang the fucking stick on the table.

01:19:37.000 Bang the stick, and I'd go, Harlan, if you keep doing this, I'm out of here.

01:19:40.000 This is, like, fucking ridiculous.

01:19:41.000 And he did nothing against me, but it's just such ridiculous behavior.

01:19:45.000 It's not a man's behavior.

01:19:46.000 It's a child's behavior.

01:19:47.000 I mean, you never did that.

01:19:48.000 You would just get mad at yourself.

01:19:50.000 I would know it was always a lack of concentration.

01:19:55.000 There's shots that you miss where you know you just didn't hit it right, but there's also shots that you miss where you know it was a fairly makeable shot, but you took it for granted.

01:20:04.000 And you're like, fucking idiot!

01:20:06.000 Those are the angry ones.

01:20:08.000 It wasn't misses.

01:20:09.000 It was more of lapses of concentration than I was really upset at myself for.

01:20:14.000 But yeah, that shit doesn't do you any good.

01:20:15.000 No, it's wasteless energy.

01:20:17.000 Yeah, now I just internalize, or I try very hard to just internalize.

01:20:22.000 But that's just a factor of getting older and smarter.

01:20:26.000 Yeah, you hope.

01:20:27.000 It doesn't happen to everybody.

01:20:28.000 I know, that's the saddest thing, when you find dudes that you didn't talk to in a long time and they've regressed.

01:20:33.000 Yeah.

01:20:34.000 They become more delusional or more complainy.

01:20:38.000 A lot of guys are complaining.

01:20:39.000 You haven't talked to them in a long time.

01:20:41.000 You talk to them in this overwhelming complaining attitude.

01:20:44.000 Oh, I know.

01:20:44.000 I hear that all the time.

01:20:45.000 I got a friend who does cruise ships, and he doesn't like it.

01:20:48.000 He's got a family, and he does other stuff too, but he's always fucking whining.

01:20:52.000 I said, listen, man, you're making...

01:20:53.000 I said, look, you see this thing?

01:20:54.000 You see this car?

01:20:55.000 It was all bought through jokes.

01:20:58.000 You know how fucking hard some people work for nothing?

01:21:01.000 They can't get shit jobs.

01:21:03.000 I'm supposed to feel bad for you because you're going to Turkey?

01:21:06.000 You know?

01:21:07.000 That's a hard gig, though.

01:21:08.000 Oh, I wouldn't want to do it.

01:21:09.000 The cruise ship's a hard gig.

01:21:11.000 You're right, though.

01:21:11.000 It's definitely better than coal mining.

01:21:13.000 Oh, yeah.

01:21:13.000 A lot of people would be super happy to do it.

01:21:15.000 I love when people go, well, you do the hardest thing in the world.

01:21:17.000 No, I don't.

01:21:18.000 Yeah.

01:21:19.000 But the guy who discovered these, what you were just talking about, the mirror things?

01:21:24.000 Fractals?

01:21:24.000 Fractals.

01:21:25.000 Yeah.

01:21:26.000 Who the fuck does that?

01:21:27.000 What kind of mind?

01:21:28.000 Yeah, super smart science dudes that no one wants to fuck.

01:21:32.000 That's what's up.

01:21:33.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:21:34.000 They got more time on their hands.

01:21:36.000 Once they start getting pussy thrown at them, their fucking science deteriorates drastically, you know?

01:21:42.000 This is all, like, you have to have no chance at pussy to be sitting in front of a computer banging this out.

01:21:47.000 Because there's some girls out there that would just rob you of all ambition.

01:21:52.000 Whenever I think of No Chance of Pussy, I always think of that bit you had.

01:21:56.000 You know, the one, the New Rules bit.

01:21:58.000 I always think of the guy.

01:22:00.000 What was the guy's name who she married?

01:22:02.000 He was in his 90s.

01:22:02.000 J. Howard Marshall.

01:22:04.000 J. Howard Marshall.

01:22:04.000 Yeah.

01:22:05.000 No Chance of Pussy unless you're a trillionaire.

01:22:10.000 1904, actually.

01:22:12.000 It was when fractals were invented.

01:22:14.000 I was way off.

01:22:16.000 That's fascinating.

01:22:18.000 That's the earliest modifications.

01:22:21.000 Mm-hmm.

01:22:23.000 Yeah, who the fuck are those guys?

01:22:25.000 We need those, though.

01:22:27.000 Think about the things that we use on a daily basis, like computers.

01:22:30.000 All the things we need.

01:22:31.000 I have no idea how any of that works.

01:22:33.000 Not only do we not understand how it works, but even if we did, even if we knew exactly how the operating system works, exactly how the memory is stored, which you can never make that thing.

01:22:44.000 You can never build it.

01:22:45.000 You can never invent it on your own.

01:22:46.000 That's why I can't make anything.

01:22:47.000 Yeah, but I mean, not even you.

01:22:49.000 I mean, any of us.

01:22:50.000 It's fascinating how much of our society relies on things that almost no one understands.

01:22:55.000 I don't fucking understand plumbing.

01:22:56.000 I don't understand how you can get the same water pressure on the 10th floor as you have on the 2nd floor.

01:23:01.000 That's crazy.

01:23:02.000 Yeah.

01:23:02.000 It's madness.

01:23:03.000 This must be a river on the roof.

01:23:08.000 Yeah, water pressure is weird.

01:23:10.000 You ever have a root get into your pipes?

01:23:15.000 No.

01:23:16.000 Never had that happen?

01:23:17.000 Uh-uh.

01:23:18.000 I had a root get into my pipes and grew a fucking tree.

01:23:21.000 Holy shit.

01:23:22.000 I mean, when I tell you grew a tree- This house here right now?

01:23:24.000 Yes.

01:23:25.000 Oh my god.

01:23:26.000 When I went to Colorado and I was gone for a while, When you flush the water, apparently there was these little tiny cracks in the pipe from the toilet down to the street.

01:23:40.000 That's it.

01:23:41.000 See that thing right there?

01:23:42.000 That was inside my toilet growing.

01:23:44.000 It looks like a muskrat, right?

01:23:46.000 Yes.

01:23:47.000 That is a fucking root.

01:23:49.000 Oh my god.

01:23:50.000 That's the root of a tree.

01:23:51.000 So it got through, and then because there was all that water in there, it started growing like crazy.

01:23:56.000 And searching it, because that's what roots do.

01:23:58.000 They grow down towards where the water is and suck it out.

01:24:02.000 That's how they get moisture out of the ground.

01:24:04.000 So it cracked my pipe open and grew inside of it.

01:24:08.000 That's real.

01:24:09.000 That's not made up, that image.

01:24:11.000 I mean, if you're listening to this, it looks almost like an animal.

01:24:14.000 How do you find that?

01:24:15.000 Is it on Flickr?

01:24:17.000 Joe Rogan root pipe.

01:24:19.000 Put that in your Blendtec right there.

01:24:21.000 Just Google Joe Rogan root pipe.

01:24:23.000 Yeah, I wouldn't do that because it's filled with poop.

01:24:26.000 That was fed by poop.

01:24:27.000 Poop and peep and water.

01:24:30.000 That thing grew like a weed.

01:24:32.000 Like a veritable weed.

01:24:34.000 I don't understand it either.

01:24:36.000 I got a new thing recently.

01:24:38.000 It's instant hot water.

01:24:41.000 They're tankless water systems.

01:24:43.000 So your water goes through this thing.

01:24:45.000 And it instantly turns hot.

01:24:47.000 You don't have a tank of water just sitting around getting hot.

01:24:51.000 That would be good for my sitz baths.

01:24:54.000 What's amazing is that you never run out of hot water.

01:24:57.000 That's one thing.

01:24:58.000 That's cool.

01:24:58.000 You got it in the house now?

01:25:00.000 Yeah, I just got it.

01:25:01.000 So if someone's using the water and you have a friend that takes a long shower, well, you go in after that person and you're fucked.

01:25:09.000 You're going to have to take a mediocre-ass shower because there's no hot water left.

01:25:12.000 With these things now, they have it so the water can go through it and it's always hot.

01:25:16.000 People will be coming over to your house to take beds.

01:25:18.000 That's my plan, my friend.

01:25:20.000 That's how you get them naked.

01:25:22.000 So is it in one place in the house, or is it on every single faucet?

01:25:26.000 No, no, no.

01:25:26.000 It's in one place.

01:25:27.000 It's one area where the water comes in, and then it regulates it out from there.

01:25:32.000 Oh, it's ridiculous.

01:25:33.000 It's one of the weirdest things ever.

01:25:35.000 It's just like, wait, what happens?

01:25:37.000 Huh?

01:25:37.000 So the water...

01:25:38.000 I mean, it's hot as fuck, too.

01:25:39.000 It's not like it's kind of hot.

01:25:41.000 It's kind of hot.

01:25:42.000 No.

01:25:43.000 It's boiling hot all the time, right out of the gate.

01:25:45.000 So it's weird.

01:25:46.000 I don't know how the fuck they do it.

01:25:47.000 Regular plumbers put that in, or is that like a specialty?

01:25:50.000 Regular plumbers.

01:25:50.000 Yeah, it's something they put in now.

01:25:52.000 It's a normal thing.

01:25:53.000 And, you know, a lot of people, especially where we live, are going full solar.

01:25:57.000 Because you can go full solar where you don't even have to be attached to the grid.

01:26:01.000 There's enough sunshine in Southern California where you can just have these fucking...

01:26:05.000 That's pretty cool.

01:26:05.000 It's crazy.

01:26:06.000 I had a guy come over last week.

01:26:08.000 My garbage disposal was down.

01:26:10.000 And he recognized me, right?

01:26:12.000 And not only did he recognize me, he also gave me coupons.

01:26:16.000 I guess he recognized me because I think I'm doing too well.

01:26:19.000 And then he said, I gotta tell you, it's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. O'Hara.

01:26:22.000 O'Hara.

01:26:23.000 O'Hara.

01:26:24.000 How the fuck do you get it?

01:26:25.000 Roy O'Hara.

01:26:25.000 And my name's written on it, Irera.

01:26:27.000 He just didn't look to...

01:26:28.000 Well, he's just not good at pronouncing things.

01:26:30.000 Maybe Irish.

01:26:31.000 O'Hara, Irera.

01:26:32.000 Yeah, same shit.

01:26:33.000 He could be a little black Irish.

01:26:35.000 I had a woman call me Mr. Irene.

01:26:37.000 Talk about lazy.

01:26:39.000 I'll be up there in a second, Mr. Irene.

01:26:41.000 Room service.

01:26:42.000 She made a mistake.

01:26:43.000 Don't get upset.

01:26:45.000 Don't get upset.

01:26:46.000 I like it.

01:26:46.000 I just turned into bits, Joe.

01:26:48.000 I turned into comedy gems.

01:26:50.000 And do you ever.

01:26:51.000 Oh, come on.

01:26:52.000 What about you?

01:26:53.000 Don't start with me.

01:26:55.000 And do you ever.

01:26:56.000 I saw you at the ice house.

01:26:58.000 Yeah, fuck Billy Crystal.

01:26:59.000 That's right.

01:27:00.000 We just said it.

01:27:02.000 Fuck Billy Crystal.

01:27:03.000 Talk about throwing that in your memory bank and splurting it out an hour later.

01:27:07.000 Bob Marley's the nicest guy in the world.

01:27:10.000 Oh, man.

01:27:10.000 Billy Crystal giving him the cold shoulder.

01:27:12.000 How dare you, Billy?

01:27:13.000 I know.

01:27:14.000 Must have been on his period.

01:27:16.000 He's a little smug, I gotta say.

01:27:19.000 That's unfortunate.

01:27:20.000 Yeah, he's had a beautiful career, man.

01:27:22.000 He's fucking smug.

01:27:23.000 Yeah.

01:27:24.000 Yeah, well, you know, it's a lot of pressure.

01:27:27.000 A lot of pressure on those guys.

01:27:29.000 A lot of times they crack.

01:27:30.000 Fuck them.

01:27:31.000 They start buying into their own bullshit.

01:27:33.000 I think that's the guys who don't are the guys who keep doing stand-up.

01:27:37.000 Because no matter what, no matter how funny you are, or how famous you are rather, when you get on that stage, you have to be funny.

01:27:42.000 They give you a couple minutes, but you gotta be funny.

01:27:45.000 Joe, I haven't been on stage since Friday before last.

01:27:48.000 It's the longest in probably 20 years.

01:27:50.000 Because of being sick?

01:27:51.000 Yeah.

01:27:52.000 Wow.

01:27:53.000 But isn't that true?

01:27:53.000 That's how we do it.

01:27:54.000 A lot of folks don't know.

01:27:56.000 If you take a month off or two months off or something like that, it feels really weird when you come back.

01:28:01.000 You can't be a wise guy, wise-cracking Italian comedian with a hacking cough.

01:28:05.000 It doesn't work.

01:28:07.000 That's why I couldn't go on.

01:28:08.000 I mean, I could have made it.

01:28:09.000 I've been on stage with fevers and torn muscles and shit, but the cough fucking did me in.

01:28:14.000 I only had to cancel one gig ever.

01:28:16.000 Wow.

01:28:17.000 As far as a weekend, it was, I think, maybe when I was younger I did, but then I could remember as a gig that I was supposed to fly out to.

01:28:26.000 I think I was supposed to do the Stress Factory.

01:28:28.000 I'm pretty sure that was what it was.

01:28:29.000 Benny Brand.

01:28:30.000 I got the fever.

01:28:31.000 Oh, did you?

01:28:32.000 I had a flu.

01:28:32.000 Ooh, it was bad.

01:28:33.000 It was one of those ones where it was like, on Monday I canceled.

01:28:37.000 I was like, there is no way.

01:28:38.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:28:39.000 This is death.

01:28:39.000 Well, at least you gave him that.

01:28:40.000 Yeah, it was bad.

01:28:42.000 The fucking flu that's going around right now is a motherfucker, dude.

01:28:46.000 I've talked to some people that got it that were fine, and then two days later they're in the hospital on IVs.

01:28:52.000 Really?

01:28:53.000 Yeah.

01:28:53.000 Holy shit.

01:28:54.000 They were showing in Houston that people were like, I think they were up to like 50 people have died from the flu.

01:28:59.000 I'm sure it's old people and babies, but...

01:29:01.000 Well, you know, if you fuck up, man, that's the thing about, like, being sick or not having a healthy body or a healthy immune system.

01:29:11.000 Like, when you're not healthy all the time, like, you're pulling all-nighters, you're getting a couple hours sleep before you get to work, you're working all day and drinking coffee.

01:29:18.000 Your immune system is fucking getting chipped away.

01:29:21.000 If that is when it enters into your life, you can die.

01:29:25.000 You can die.

01:29:26.000 If you're hungover and drawn out and fucked up, and then boom, you get hit with the flu, holy shit, you can get jacked.

01:29:34.000 I had so many people bum me out.

01:29:36.000 First they'd act like they cared, and they'd go, you know, I said, I think I'm getting better.

01:29:41.000 He goes, yeah, a friend of mine had that, you know, last like three months.

01:29:45.000 I said, thanks, you know, thanks for cheering me up.

01:29:47.000 Did you tell him his friend's a pussy?

01:29:50.000 That's what I'd say.

01:29:51.000 Fucking friends of pussy.

01:29:51.000 You're friends of pussy.

01:29:52.000 I'm gonna be back in two days to smack them.

01:29:55.000 Three months.

01:29:56.000 Get the fuck out of here.

01:29:58.000 What kind of cold lasts three months?

01:30:00.000 Well, it's not a cold anymore.

01:30:01.000 Yeah, it's an epidemic.

01:30:02.000 It's bronchial asthma.

01:30:03.000 That's what you have now?

01:30:05.000 Do you have asthma?

01:30:05.000 I got something.

01:30:06.000 That's what this thing is.

01:30:07.000 It's discus.

01:30:08.000 I gotta inhale it.

01:30:09.000 You know what's good for asthma?

01:30:11.000 Pussy.

01:30:12.000 Stank up pussy.

01:30:13.000 That too.

01:30:14.000 What?

01:30:15.000 Weed.

01:30:16.000 See, I wish I could smoke right now, but I just don't know what would happen.

01:30:20.000 You'd freak out.

01:30:21.000 Panic.

01:30:22.000 Yeah.

01:30:22.000 Yeah, you'd go into a tailspin.

01:30:23.000 We'd have to pull you out of the corner.

01:30:26.000 Are you allowed to do that with Xanax, though?

01:30:28.000 How does that work, if you're taking Xanax?

01:30:29.000 I don't know, because I never...

01:30:30.000 I mean, Xanax is a tranquilizer.

01:30:33.000 Oh, you might stop breathing.

01:30:35.000 You know what Xanax feels like?

01:30:37.000 Xanax feels like what you would think normal people feel like.

01:30:40.000 It's not a high.

01:30:42.000 I mean, I never take it enough to get high, but it's just like a relaxant, you know?

01:30:45.000 Just do some indicas.

01:30:47.000 What's that?

01:30:48.000 Indica is the downer or the weed.

01:30:50.000 Oh, is it?

01:30:51.000 I'm sorry.

01:30:53.000 There was an article that said that that's bullshit.

01:30:55.000 I thought that was really interesting.

01:30:57.000 I didn't know that.

01:30:58.000 It's pretty established.

01:30:59.000 Oh, really?

01:30:59.000 There was some article that said that, I don't know whether they're saying that the people that are selling it are full of shit, but they were saying that the two different highs are indistinguishable, and I was like, man, I don't know about all that.

01:31:10.000 Sounds like a bullshit article.

01:31:11.000 Well, it seems like you're not getting high enough to really, you'd have to do it It's like a sommelier can tell the difference between merlots and cabernets right off the bat.

01:31:26.000 They can just tell.

01:31:27.000 I can't tell.

01:31:28.000 I don't know what the fuck the difference is.

01:31:29.000 I had no idea there was a pot that was a downer.

01:31:32.000 Well, that's what most people think of for pot.

01:31:35.000 They think of OG Kush.

01:31:37.000 They think of weed that just makes you chill, dog.

01:31:41.000 It really just makes you just really not give a fuck.

01:31:46.000 Just kick back and just your eyelids get heavy.

01:31:50.000 And then there's pot, for me at least, that makes me really think about shit and really get introspective and break down my life and life itself and the city and universes and shit like that.

01:32:01.000 That's...

01:32:02.000 That to me, whatever it is, whether it's the different cannabinoids or the different strain or whatever the fuck it is, there's a different response I have to two different kinds of weed.

01:32:12.000 Absolutely.

01:32:13.000 But I don't know.

01:32:14.000 Maybe I'm wrong about it.

01:32:16.000 Maybe I'm wrong about the way the mechanism is working.

01:32:19.000 I just know when I get good stuff.

01:32:21.000 Well, what fucked me up was I had no idea that it took a while to hit you.

01:32:26.000 Xanax?

01:32:26.000 No, pot.

01:32:27.000 So when I first smoked, this is why I had such a bad experience, I just kept smoking joint after joint.

01:32:33.000 Ha ha!

01:32:34.000 Like, you know, in a half an hour.

01:32:35.000 I smoked, like, I don't know, three or four joints.

01:32:38.000 It was just like, you know.

01:32:39.000 Oh, my God.

01:32:39.000 And these guys are going, holy shit, look at him.

01:32:41.000 And I'm thinking, and I did this with Southern Comfort once, and I almost died from alcohol poisoning.

01:32:46.000 Because I just, like, I just, like, you know, it's like getting the crowd behind.

01:32:49.000 Where were you?

01:32:51.000 The pot?

01:32:51.000 Yeah.

01:32:52.000 I was at the University of Pennsylvania.

01:32:54.000 We had an apartment down there in Philly.

01:32:56.000 And just with a bunch of guys fucking around.

01:32:59.000 Whose pot was it?

01:32:59.000 I don't know.

01:33:00.000 It wasn't mine.

01:33:02.000 So somebody else brought the pot, and then you just started smoking up a storm.

01:33:05.000 Well, I had never smoked, and then I just kept smoking.

01:33:08.000 And this was really a lot of smoke.

01:33:11.000 That's why I think I got so fucked up.

01:33:13.000 Of course it is.

01:33:15.000 This is when there were albums out, and I remember watching the record Revolve.

01:33:20.000 And just getting lost in that, you know?

01:33:22.000 What was the song that was playing?

01:33:23.000 It was Tomorrow Never Knows.

01:33:27.000 It was a Beatles song.

01:33:28.000 Turn off your mind, relax, and float downstream.

01:33:32.000 You know that song?

01:33:33.000 Yeah.

01:33:33.000 It is not dying, whatever.

01:33:36.000 And that was a real psychedelic kind of song.

01:33:39.000 Anyway, I was like, oh, fuck.

01:33:42.000 My head felt smaller.

01:33:44.000 You know, just everything was weird.

01:33:46.000 So that's why I had a bad experience.

01:33:48.000 That's why I want to try it again.

01:33:49.000 So did you get paranoid?

01:33:51.000 Yeah, very.

01:33:51.000 Very paranoid.

01:33:53.000 Do you remember specifically what you thought about?

01:33:57.000 Just the whole world looked different to me.

01:34:00.000 And see, the only time I was ever...

01:34:01.000 I had gotten fucked up on cough medicine in high school.

01:34:05.000 Did you ever do that?

01:34:06.000 I did cough medicine when I was an adult.

01:34:08.000 I took NyQuil once when I was sick, and it was one of the happiest days of my life.

01:34:11.000 Really?

01:34:11.000 No, this was like I drank a whole bottle of Romal-RCF. I swear to...

01:34:17.000 I mean, that was...

01:34:19.000 I think that's why any kind of upper drugs have negative effects on me, because of that.

01:34:25.000 And then I did the pot.

01:34:27.000 And so that's why I never did them.

01:34:29.000 I never was against drugs.

01:34:29.000 Well, that seems like a very likely scenario.

01:34:32.000 If you smoke that much pot the first time you did it, you're going to freak the fuck out.

01:34:38.000 Nobody told me.

01:34:39.000 Wait, wait, wait.

01:34:39.000 Nobody told me.

01:34:40.000 They were going, wow, look at him.

01:34:41.000 And I was like, oh, yeah.

01:34:43.000 Look, one hit.

01:34:45.000 That's all you need.

01:34:46.000 Just one.

01:34:47.000 Not even a big one.

01:34:49.000 Not even a big one.

01:34:50.000 Just a tiny one.

01:34:51.000 Just to really feel what pot does, you want a tiny amount of it.

01:34:56.000 That way you distinguish it from regular consciousness, you fuck around with it, get a feel for it, see the good and the bad about it, and occasionally you're going to push it.

01:35:07.000 Occasionally you're going to smoke two hits and three hits.

01:35:10.000 Then you're going to feel weird as fuck and you're going to go, you know, me better back this down.

01:35:14.000 So we back this down, take it down to one again, bring it down to one and just try one for a while.

01:35:19.000 But when people start smoking a whole joint or two joints, that's like you've never ridden a motorcycle before and you get on one of those ninjas.

01:35:27.000 Right, right.

01:35:27.000 You know, just go ahead, gun it.

01:35:29.000 You know, what?

01:35:30.000 Ah!

01:35:31.000 You can't do it, but those guys who do it every day can do it.

01:35:34.000 Yeah.

01:35:35.000 It's a similar thing, in a way, because the experience of being really, really high is manageable, say if you're a guy like Everlast.

01:35:42.000 You know, if you get high all the time and you're just a naturally cool dude that can deal with shit.

01:35:46.000 But if you're a guy who's never gotten high before, that can fucking be terrifying.

01:35:51.000 Yeah, it was terrible.

01:35:53.000 Terrifying.

01:35:54.000 It was.

01:35:54.000 It was terrifying.

01:35:55.000 What were you thinking about when you said the world just didn't look the same?

01:35:59.000 Just the proportions of things look different.

01:36:03.000 As if my eyes were different lenses.

01:36:07.000 They changed for a while.

01:36:10.000 I was just getting a thought in my head.

01:36:12.000 Even in the song, we keep playing in my head when it was over.

01:36:17.000 Wow.

01:36:18.000 It was pretty heavy.

01:36:19.000 I guess it was close to a trip.

01:36:21.000 Wow.

01:36:23.000 Yeah, that sounds like what I go through every night.

01:36:26.000 Sounds like a typical day.

01:36:28.000 I went through that in the tank last night.

01:36:30.000 You went to what?

01:36:31.000 I went through that in the tank last night.

01:36:32.000 Did you do the tank?

01:36:33.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:36:34.000 Joe, you're unbelievable.

01:36:36.000 You got so many fucking varied interests and all.

01:36:40.000 I watched SportsCenter last night.

01:36:42.000 That's what I did.

01:36:42.000 But that's you.

01:36:43.000 We're all different, Dom Herrera.

01:36:45.000 I'm just trying to maintain and not go off the rails into crazy town.

01:36:49.000 So what do I do?

01:36:50.000 I hunt boars and I lie in saltwater.

01:36:53.000 Typical.

01:36:54.000 I throw kettlebells around, just trying to keep it together.

01:36:56.000 You got a fight this week?

01:36:58.000 No, this weekend is new UFC. This weekend I already said I'm going boar hunting.

01:37:02.000 The next UFC is not until the week after that, Chicago on Fox.

01:37:06.000 I'll tell you, thanks again for the Montreal treat.

01:37:08.000 Did you enjoy it?

01:37:09.000 More than enjoyed it.

01:37:10.000 Tammy Pascatelli and I, what a fucking...

01:37:13.000 I mean, that guy, the excitement.

01:37:15.000 I can just imagine the gladiators in the Roman Empire.

01:37:20.000 The excitement in that room when that French-Canadian guy walked in.

01:37:23.000 Georges St-Pierre?

01:37:24.000 Yeah.

01:37:24.000 Oh, my God.

01:37:25.000 And then the fight itself.

01:37:26.000 It was great.

01:37:27.000 Yeah, those live events, there's something special.

01:37:30.000 Seeing the UFC live, there's very few things that have as much electricity in the air, as much potential drama.

01:37:38.000 While the fights are going on, they're so exciting.

01:37:40.000 It's so exciting.

01:37:42.000 You invited me to a couple of them, and I was so amazed at how classy the crowd is.

01:37:47.000 It ain't like a professional wrestling crowd.

01:37:49.000 Skate on his face!

01:37:51.000 Twist his other eye.

01:37:52.000 I mean, they're like really nice people.

01:37:54.000 They look wild, but they're not.

01:37:56.000 Well, I always hoped that it would go closer and closer towards the ethics of martial arts.

01:38:04.000 Because I think that if you looked at the best guys ever, the best UFC fighters are martial artists.

01:38:11.000 From Hoist Gracie, the original, to look at Leota Machida, or Anderson Silva, or George St. Pierre.

01:38:18.000 Silva broke his leg.

01:38:20.000 Anderson broke his leg, yeah, in the last fight.

01:38:21.000 Right.

01:38:22.000 These guys are martial artists.

01:38:24.000 Like, Anderson bows before every match.

01:38:26.000 Lyoto Machida bows.

01:38:27.000 George bows.

01:38:28.000 Like, they're literally upholding the original codes of martial arts conduct.

01:38:33.000 I mean, they are martial artists.

01:38:35.000 And those are the best guys.

01:38:37.000 It's not these brawler, fuck you, spit in your face, kicking the balls guys.

01:38:41.000 Those guys are not the champions.

01:38:44.000 The champions...

01:38:46.000 We're good to go.

01:39:08.000 That they project a level of respect, a level of discipline and dignity that the audience, I think they take that in.

01:39:16.000 I think they appreciate it.

01:39:18.000 Whereas when you're watching the WWE, you know that it's scripted.

01:39:22.000 It's a wild, crazy event, and it's fun, and it's entertaining, and there's acrobatics, and you know, those guys, like, The Rock is a serious Oh yeah.

01:39:31.000 Brock Lesnar, he's a serious athlete.

01:39:33.000 Brock Lesnar was pretty successful in the UFC for a guy that didn't have any MMA fights to speak of other than one before he entered into the biggest stage on earth as a fighter.

01:39:41.000 Wow.

01:39:41.000 I mean, he's a ballsy motherfucker.

01:39:43.000 Yeah.

01:39:44.000 You know, so no disrespect to the wrestlers or anything like that, but one of the reasons why the audience will act like that is because they could feel that it's not real.

01:39:50.000 It's all horseshit.

01:39:51.000 Yeah.

01:39:52.000 They're like trying to suck excitement out of the air.

01:39:55.000 But don't you think there's certain people that believe it's real no matter what you tell them?

01:39:59.000 100%.

01:39:59.000 I talked to a guy from Abu Dhabi who was telling me that his friend absolutely believes that it's real and he cannot argue with him that it's not.

01:40:08.000 And he was so frustrated he didn't know what to say.

01:40:11.000 My doctor thinks all professional football is rigged.

01:40:15.000 Really?

01:40:15.000 I go, how the fuck can they get to all these guys?

01:40:18.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

01:40:18.000 He says, listen, you're going to tell me that Brady couldn't throw a pass?

01:40:22.000 I go, I don't know, but how do they get to the center?

01:40:26.000 It becomes a point where it's just paranoia.

01:40:29.000 Some people don't like the wool pulled over them, pulled over their eyes.

01:40:32.000 So they like to look for it in everything.

01:40:35.000 These motherfuckers are all in together.

01:40:37.000 Yeah, right.

01:40:37.000 After UFCs, all the time I'll get tweets like, yeah, it's a fucking fixed fight.

01:40:42.000 That was a bullshit fight.

01:40:44.000 That fight's fixed and you know it.

01:40:45.000 Well, fights can be fixed.

01:40:47.000 They certainly can.

01:40:48.000 Fights can be fixed.

01:40:49.000 Basketball games with refs or a guy who misses foul shots at the end.

01:40:53.000 But when you get to a whole fucking football team, that's 22 guys plus refs.

01:40:58.000 Come on.

01:40:59.000 Well, the thing about basketball is they have absolutely proven that referees have been involved.

01:41:06.000 Oh, yeah.

01:41:07.000 They've proven that they've shaved points.

01:41:10.000 They've proven that people have done some shady things.

01:41:12.000 There's a guy who just got out of jail for that.

01:41:14.000 Yeah, the referee, right?

01:41:15.000 Yeah, and I had a friend who was a ref.

01:41:18.000 They did this.

01:41:19.000 I thought it was so classless.

01:41:20.000 They would get first-class tickets and sell them back, cash them in.

01:41:24.000 And get coach tickets and pocket the money.

01:41:28.000 That's kind of fucking lowlife, you know?

01:41:30.000 That's kind of sleazy.

01:41:31.000 Yeah.

01:41:31.000 That's, you know, it's not living your life either.

01:41:34.000 What are you doing?

01:41:34.000 Yeah, sit in first class.

01:41:36.000 Fuck it.

01:41:36.000 You know, you didn't have the ticket before.

01:41:39.000 But I think you should be allowed to do it.

01:41:40.000 I don't see a problem with it.

01:41:41.000 I feel like if you're the one who wants to sit and coach and you would rather have the money, I feel like you should be allowed to do that.

01:41:49.000 I just think it's a lack of class, so...

01:41:51.000 It's a little sleazy.

01:41:52.000 But no, you know what?

01:41:53.000 I take that back.

01:41:54.000 I don't even think it's a little sleazy.

01:41:56.000 It's like some people like to be humble.

01:41:57.000 I take umbrage with you, Joe Rogan.

01:41:59.000 How dare you, Irira.

01:42:01.000 Some people don't mind coach.

01:42:02.000 What if he's a little tiny guy and gets a window seat and you just kind of curl up?

01:42:06.000 I mind coach.

01:42:07.000 You do?

01:42:08.000 You do.

01:42:08.000 Oh, I don't say coach.

01:42:09.000 See?

01:42:09.000 So for you, it drives you crazy.

01:42:11.000 My feet can't go back there anymore.

01:42:13.000 Can't do it.

01:42:14.000 It's the only thing about...

01:42:15.000 I just don't give a fuck.

01:42:16.000 I always fly first.

01:42:17.000 I paid more for my ticket to Australia than I made.

01:42:21.000 I did.

01:42:22.000 I worked two weeks.

01:42:23.000 I made less money.

01:42:24.000 I just didn't give a fuck.

01:42:26.000 I wanted to fly first class.

01:42:27.000 That's hilarious.

01:42:29.000 That's hilarious.

01:42:30.000 That is a total Dom Herrera move.

01:42:33.000 Oh, my agent gets such a kick out of it.

01:42:35.000 Oh, that's so funny.

01:42:37.000 Well, but again, I hate to say this, but that really is why you're so funny still.

01:42:43.000 We were just talking about it the other day, me and Tripoli.

01:42:46.000 We were talking about how a lot of comics that we liked back when we started, they kind of sort of drift away from it.

01:42:55.000 Even the greats.

01:42:56.000 Look at Steve Martin.

01:42:57.000 He doesn't do stand-up anymore.

01:42:58.000 He stopped a long time ago.

01:43:00.000 Robin Williams will occasionally do stand-up.

01:43:03.000 But you think about the people that you really admired back then.

01:43:07.000 It's not that many of them that are really active still.

01:43:11.000 But the ones that are, a lot of times they change radically.

01:43:15.000 Their acts change.

01:43:16.000 They kind of drift away from whatever it was that made them good.

01:43:20.000 They just sort of get this weird sense of complacency or something like that.

01:43:24.000 I don't know what happens.

01:43:25.000 And also, they run out of juice.

01:43:28.000 To me, I consider myself the oldest young comedian.

01:43:32.000 You know what I mean?

01:43:32.000 I really don't feel old.

01:43:33.000 I feel young, and I'm lucky that I hang out with guys a lot younger than me.

01:43:37.000 I absorb that energy, you know what I mean?

01:43:40.000 Right.

01:43:41.000 You included.

01:43:42.000 I mean, it's just that I love being around that.

01:43:45.000 Because I find that, not to put my generation down, but a lot of them are fucking bitter.

01:43:49.000 And bitterness goes nowhere.

01:43:51.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:43:52.000 It's just like the unnecessary anger, yelling out and smacking your stick on the ground.

01:43:56.000 Yes, exactly.

01:43:57.000 Internalize it.

01:43:58.000 Figure out what is it that makes you bitter.

01:44:00.000 You're unhappy with your success.

01:44:01.000 Well, do something about it.

01:44:03.000 Barring your physical health and unforeseen circumstances that can't be controlled, most people have a little leeway room for improvement.

01:44:11.000 And the bitterness is not fucking helping you.

01:44:14.000 This fucking guy.

01:44:15.000 You're telling me this guy deserves a sitcom?

01:44:17.000 I tell you, this guy, I middled for him in Cincinnati.

01:44:20.000 He could not follow me.

01:44:22.000 Yeah, remember Pat Cooper?

01:44:23.000 Yeah.

01:44:24.000 The comedian?

01:44:24.000 He was thinking...

01:44:26.000 I like the guy, but he's really angry.

01:44:28.000 He's thinking I'm too stupid to realize what he's doing.

01:44:31.000 He's going...

01:44:32.000 These fucking kids today, these cocksuckers, they got five minutes, they got a sitcom.

01:44:35.000 I've been around 40 years, but you're a good kid.

01:44:38.000 You know, he'd throw it like that, like that's supposed to pique my interest, and I don't have a fucking sitcom.

01:44:43.000 I go, well, maybe that should tell you something.

01:44:46.000 Maybe you're not right.

01:44:47.000 That guy was an interesting guy.

01:44:49.000 Is he still around?

01:44:50.000 Yeah.

01:44:51.000 I mean, he can't hear anymore, so it's kind of tough.

01:44:53.000 Oh, that sucks.

01:44:55.000 He used to go on Stern and rant and rave.

01:44:57.000 Oh, yeah.

01:44:57.000 Go fucking crazy and yell at people.

01:44:59.000 It's just like, oh, my God.

01:45:01.000 Like, listen to him.

01:45:02.000 Get wound up.

01:45:03.000 But there's an element of sadness in it, you know?

01:45:06.000 Yeah.

01:45:07.000 It's an element of...

01:45:08.000 He burns a lot of bridges.

01:45:09.000 Those guys, he got mad at the Sopranos.

01:45:13.000 What did he get mad at the Sopranos for?

01:45:15.000 I don't know.

01:45:15.000 They didn't give them big enough parts or some shit.

01:45:17.000 They didn't get, you know, whatever it was, it's like, you know, I mean, I love that rite of passage for Italians that we were all supposed to be in The Sopranos.

01:45:25.000 What the fuck?

01:45:25.000 They only got a cast of like 20 people.

01:45:28.000 There's a lot more Italians, you know.

01:45:30.000 Well, I think there was a lot of people in that show that also had not really done a lot of acting before, like Stevie Van Zandt, Little Steven from the Bruce Springsteen band.

01:45:38.000 Yeah.

01:45:39.000 Steve Schereppa?

01:45:39.000 Steve Schereppa, our friend.

01:45:41.000 Yeah, I mean, our buddy.

01:45:42.000 But what it was, Joe, was they had a core of real actors and they had types.

01:45:47.000 Right.

01:45:47.000 And some of the types, like Steve, developed into real good actors.

01:45:50.000 You know, but I mean, that's what the show was.

01:45:53.000 It was the core of Edie Falco and Candafini and...

01:45:56.000 Michael Imperioli.

01:45:58.000 Those guys.

01:46:00.000 That's the way they cast it.

01:46:01.000 Yeah, but I think what the appeal was, one of the appeals, was that these people that were in these peripheral roles that really shined and benefited from it greatly, like our friend Steve Sharippa.

01:46:12.000 Steve was not an experienced actor.

01:46:14.000 He was booking the Riviera when we met him.

01:46:16.000 He was a great guy.

01:46:18.000 I fucking loved that guy.

01:46:19.000 But he went from doing that to being a really successful actor.

01:46:24.000 Boom, like that.

01:46:25.000 But a hard worker, too.

01:46:26.000 Absolutely.

01:46:26.000 He capitalized on it.

01:46:27.000 Well, he's smart.

01:46:29.000 Steve's a very smart guy.

01:46:31.000 But my point is that other people saw that and go, look, this fucking guy, he was over here.

01:46:35.000 He wasn't even fucking doing this.

01:46:37.000 People jealous of him.

01:46:37.000 And he said, it could have been me.

01:46:39.000 Tommy, I could do such a much better detailed job with that role.

01:46:44.000 Forget about it.

01:46:45.000 There's so much in that role.

01:46:46.000 I sound like a little bit of Quincy.

01:46:48.000 The fuck out of here.

01:46:49.000 I was like half Italian and I was half Quincy.

01:46:52.000 You left your fingerprints!

01:46:54.000 Now you sound like Dice.

01:46:56.000 Oh!

01:46:57.000 I'm morphing.

01:46:58.000 I'm a bunch of fucking characters.

01:47:00.000 Over the top!

01:47:01.000 Oh!

01:47:02.000 Speaking of Dice, I saw Blue Jasmine.

01:47:05.000 Did you see Blue Jasmine?

01:47:06.000 No.

01:47:06.000 The new Woody Allen film?

01:47:07.000 Woody Allen fascinates me, man.

01:47:10.000 He's fucking fascinating.

01:47:11.000 He's the reason I got into stand-up.

01:47:12.000 Really?

01:47:13.000 Yeah, when I was a little kid.

01:47:15.000 He makes a new movie basically every year.

01:47:18.000 He's fucking unbelievable.

01:47:19.000 He writes them all himself, and they're fucking good.

01:47:21.000 This Blue Jasmine was a good movie.

01:47:24.000 He's one of the guys, I mean, I think he's a creeper, for sure.

01:47:28.000 I mean, that whole thing with his daughter was just...

01:47:30.000 I don't want to judge.

01:47:32.000 I'm trying to be a nice guy, but...

01:47:33.000 I don't think he looked at her as a daughter.

01:47:35.000 I don't know what happened.

01:47:36.000 Whatever.

01:47:37.000 Whatever.

01:47:38.000 I have no idea.

01:47:38.000 And you know what?

01:47:39.000 You've got to admire him for her.

01:47:41.000 She's not even hot.

01:47:42.000 So you can't say he left his wife for a hot young chick.

01:47:45.000 She's fucking homelier than his wife.

01:47:47.000 Oh, I guess.

01:47:49.000 But she's young.

01:47:50.000 It's different.

01:47:52.000 Anyway.

01:47:52.000 You're telling me.

01:47:54.000 Yeah, what was I saying?

01:47:55.000 So his movie.

01:47:57.000 So I saw...

01:47:58.000 This is how I got my Woody Allen resurgence.

01:48:00.000 I saw Midnight in Paris.

01:48:01.000 Did you see that one?

01:48:02.000 Yeah.

01:48:02.000 It's fucking good.

01:48:03.000 It's a good movie.

01:48:05.000 Interesting.

01:48:05.000 You know what you gotta see, though?

01:48:07.000 Some of the old...

01:48:08.000 Love and Death.

01:48:09.000 Check it out.

01:48:09.000 Because the fucking jokes are hilarious.

01:48:12.000 Well, I think I have seen it.

01:48:14.000 I think I saw it a long...

01:48:15.000 About the Russian-French War?

01:48:21.000 Oh, what a great line!

01:48:42.000 Line after line.

01:48:43.000 I think it's your best bet.

01:48:45.000 Your best bet is being a man.

01:48:47.000 She goes, you have beautiful skin.

01:48:49.000 She goes, yes, and it covers my entire body.

01:48:54.000 Well, Midnight in Paris was really good, and what's interesting about it is that Owen Wilson plays Woody Allen.

01:49:00.000 Oh, wow.

01:49:01.000 Woody Allen can't play Woody Allen anymore.

01:49:03.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:49:03.000 He used to get the...

01:49:04.000 So Owen Wilson is acting like Woody Allen.

01:49:07.000 Oh, he's doing that?

01:49:07.000 Great, great.

01:49:09.000 Well, he's not going New York-y.

01:49:11.000 He's not going all the way Brooklyn.

01:49:12.000 But he's basically that guy.

01:49:14.000 This sort of nebbishy.

01:49:16.000 Like his wife is fucking around on him.

01:49:18.000 It's always...

01:49:19.000 In Woody Allen's movies, someone always is having an affair right under somebody's nose.

01:49:24.000 And there's chaos.

01:49:25.000 And you find out, well, you were fucking this guy right in the other room.

01:49:28.000 I mean...

01:49:29.000 Get over it!

01:49:30.000 It's not that big a deal.

01:49:31.000 The way that people behave is almost like as if he wishes that that would be how people would behave at all sexual indiscretions.

01:49:39.000 It's almost like he's flavoring the world with this dialogue.

01:49:43.000 To get him off the hook.

01:49:44.000 Yeah, because it's a very unnatural, like, the anger and reaction these people have.

01:49:49.000 It's like, everything is real except when it comes to, like, real emotions dealing with loss or infidelity.

01:49:55.000 Like, then it becomes like, well, get over it!

01:49:57.000 I was right there!

01:49:58.000 You had to know!

01:50:00.000 I didn't know!

01:50:01.000 You know?

01:50:02.000 Okay, Harry, I was cheating.

01:50:03.000 You know, it's like one of those things, and the guy's like, I can't believe this.

01:50:05.000 And he leaves, but it's so unrealistic.

01:50:07.000 It's like everybody's like, whatever, get over it.

01:50:09.000 But in Blue Jasmine is another one, the Alec Baldwin character.

01:50:13.000 I don't want to give a spoiler alert, but the reason why I brought it up is Dice is really good in it.

01:50:18.000 He's really good.

01:50:19.000 He plays this...

01:50:20.000 I heard it was good, but I heard it was really short.

01:50:23.000 I like him short.

01:50:24.000 That's the reason why he didn't probably get any awards, because it was probably too short.

01:50:27.000 Oh, his thing was short.

01:50:28.000 The movie was too short?

01:50:29.000 No, no, no, his role.

01:50:31.000 Like, he should have had a bigger part in it.

01:50:32.000 No, no, I think it was perfect.

01:50:34.000 I mean, it was a complex sort of a role.

01:50:37.000 It was believable.

01:50:38.000 There was a lot of good acting in that goddamn movie.

01:50:42.000 Cate Blanchett, the woman who's the lead, is fucking sensational.

01:50:45.000 You know Sean Penn?

01:50:47.000 Yes.

01:50:47.000 He said to me one night, we're at the improv, and he's got a great memory for comedy.

01:50:52.000 He said, he remembered an old bit, and he starts telling me about it.

01:50:55.000 And I go, all right, if we're going to talk about comedy, you've got to tell me what it was like to work with Woody Allen.

01:50:59.000 He said, I'm glad you asked me that.

01:51:00.000 He gave me one note the whole film.

01:51:03.000 I said, what was it?

01:51:04.000 He goes, that last scene you did, nothing was right.

01:51:08.000 Wow.

01:51:09.000 That's the only fucking note he had.

01:51:11.000 Nothing was right.

01:51:12.000 Nothing in that scene was right.

01:51:14.000 Wow.

01:51:14.000 Yeah.

01:51:15.000 Well, he's a master filmmaker.

01:51:17.000 He's just a weird guy.

01:51:18.000 He's a genius.

01:51:19.000 Master filmmaker.

01:51:20.000 This Blue Jasmine movie is fucking really good.

01:51:22.000 I'd have to say he's the best writer and then Larry David for comedy, in my opinion.

01:51:30.000 You mean like joke writing or TV writing?

01:51:33.000 Just comedy writing.

01:51:34.000 Movie and film.

01:51:35.000 Larry obviously has not...

01:51:37.000 Made the graduation to film what he did.

01:51:40.000 He shouldn't.

01:51:41.000 His stuff is so good and curb your enthusiasm.

01:51:44.000 Just don't fuck with it.

01:51:45.000 Leave it right there.

01:51:46.000 Let him do whatever the fuck he's doing.

01:51:47.000 Let him make that exactly how he's making it.

01:51:50.000 Don't touch it.

01:51:50.000 Leave it alone.

01:51:51.000 I watched a Seinfeld episode last night with the man's ear.

01:51:55.000 The bra for men.

01:51:56.000 Remember that one?

01:51:57.000 The bro?

01:51:58.000 And I had a prostate exam, and when I was going to pee next, it was going to be blood, right?

01:52:06.000 Right.

01:52:06.000 It was really fucking horrible.

01:52:10.000 I was lightheaded and shit.

01:52:11.000 And Jerry was on the phone telling me about this episode before it happened, and we were fucking crying, laughing.

01:52:19.000 Just the idea of Jerry Stiller's tits made us laugh for fucking five minutes.

01:52:23.000 What is that?

01:52:24.000 I'm confused.

01:52:25.000 What has to do with you peeing blood?

01:52:26.000 Oh, because I didn't want to laugh.

01:52:29.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:52:30.000 I didn't explain it right.

01:52:31.000 I didn't want to laugh.

01:52:32.000 I come back from the hospital.

01:52:33.000 I'm in this bad mood.

01:52:34.000 I'm fucking lightheaded and all pale and shit.

01:52:37.000 And we start talking and he starts telling me about this fucking...

01:52:39.000 Anyway, it just reminded me of it because I saw the episode last night.

01:52:42.000 And it's so fucking brilliant.

01:52:45.000 Yeah.

01:52:45.000 Like, say Everybody Loves Raymond, which was a really standard, good quality sitcom.

01:52:51.000 They had an A-plot, basically.

01:52:52.000 Maybe a B-plot.

01:52:54.000 Seinfeld had A, B, C, D. You know what I mean?

01:52:56.000 Just ridiculous.

01:52:57.000 Like, Kramer hits a golf ball and it goes into the whales' blowhole.

01:53:02.000 You know what I mean?

01:53:04.000 Everything is connected.

01:53:05.000 And how he did it was fascinating.

01:53:06.000 And 22 minutes and clean.

01:53:08.000 Yeah.

01:53:09.000 No, Larry David's a genius.

01:53:10.000 Yeah.

01:53:11.000 But his best work is Kirby Enthusiasm, in my opinion.

01:53:14.000 Seinfeld's really good, but Kirby Enthusiasm takes it to the one where he had the water bottle in his pants.

01:53:19.000 I don't even want to tell the whole story.

01:53:21.000 The hooker and the carpool.

01:53:23.000 I can't even tell you the stories that...

01:53:24.000 Well, you know, that came out of Larry...

01:53:26.000 I don't want to spoil them.

01:53:27.000 That came out of Larry not getting enough credit for Seinfeld.

01:53:29.000 I really believe that.

01:53:30.000 Because everybody would get credit.

01:53:32.000 George got credit for playing him.

01:53:34.000 And, you know, Jason Alexander's a terrific actor.

01:53:37.000 But he was so much in the background, he thought, fuck this, I'm doing a show.

01:53:40.000 And he had the power to do it.

01:53:42.000 You know, he put up his own money for that.

01:53:43.000 Jason Alexander's a weird one, because nothing's really clicked for him since doing that show.

01:53:48.000 He was so fucking good, too.

01:53:49.000 He was so good on that show.

01:53:51.000 Yeah.

01:53:51.000 And now he's taken to wearing a hairpiece.

01:53:53.000 I know.

01:53:54.000 And, you know, I saw the one last night where he wore a hairpiece.

01:53:57.000 On the show, as a joke.

01:53:58.000 As a joke, yeah.

01:53:59.000 But now he's wearing one in real life.

01:54:00.000 That's sad.

01:54:01.000 It's like, I don't know.

01:54:03.000 Unless you're going to do it like Karl Reiner did, where you just take it off sometime and wear it like it's a hat, which I think is funny.

01:54:08.000 He's not trying to fool anybody.

01:54:10.000 Well, he's not trying to fool anybody.

01:54:11.000 He can't, because everybody knows that he was already bald, and I think he just likes the way it looks better, which...

01:54:17.000 Good for him.

01:54:18.000 But why are you worrying so much about what you look like?

01:54:20.000 It's a little weird.

01:54:21.000 I say just wear a hat or don't wear anything.

01:54:23.000 It's not like it affects his performance in some way.

01:54:25.000 Like if growing your hair made you smarter somehow, like imagine if like hair was like muscles.

01:54:31.000 Like the bigger your muscles get, the stronger you get.

01:54:33.000 The longer your hair gets, the smarter you get.

01:54:35.000 Well, I could get wanting to have more hair.

01:54:37.000 Yeah.

01:54:37.000 And if you could wear a toupee, that would make you smart.

01:54:39.000 Imagine if people were that simple, that you just had a fiber optic toupee and you put on, it would mimic the effects of having a full head of hair, as far as your intelligence goes, or grow it even further.

01:54:50.000 Well, you remember what goes on with the ego of these guys, you know?

01:54:53.000 Yeah.

01:54:53.000 And Jason was, I remember being on that set, and he was upset because he never won an Emmy.

01:54:59.000 Oh, God.

01:55:00.000 And he won Grammy Awards.

01:55:02.000 Dude, I was on a set of news radio once and everybody was complaining.

01:55:05.000 It was dark.

01:55:07.000 It was like everybody was bummed out because our ratings were down and it was like, God, we can't get on Thursday night, but this show goes on right before Friends or right after Friends and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

01:55:18.000 And I remember thinking, like...

01:55:20.000 We're on a sitcom.

01:55:22.000 Oh, yeah.

01:55:22.000 You know how lucky you are to be on a sitcom?

01:55:25.000 And it's a really funny one, and we're not appreciating it as it's happening.

01:55:29.000 Right as it's going on, we're wishing we were number one.

01:55:32.000 Right.

01:55:32.000 Instead of whatever the fuck we were.

01:55:34.000 We weren't doing well.

01:55:36.000 Newsradio never did well.

01:55:37.000 It didn't do really well until it was syndicated.

01:55:39.000 They didn't know how to use you at all.

01:55:41.000 Newsradio did?

01:55:42.000 Oh, I got some great parts on Newsradio.

01:55:44.000 I think they could have used you more.

01:55:46.000 Oh, that's very nice of you.

01:55:48.000 That's just because you love me.

01:55:49.000 I think they used me the perfect amount, and when you consider the fact that we had so many characters.

01:55:53.000 I mean, there's Andy Dick, Vicky Lewis, Steven Root, Candy Alexander, Phil Hartman, Dave Foley, Mora, Tierney.

01:56:00.000 I mean, holy fucking shit.

01:56:01.000 Yeah, that's a lot.

01:56:02.000 You're right.

01:56:02.000 There was an eight-person cast.

01:56:04.000 A lot of fucking people.

01:56:05.000 A 22-minute show, and you're bouncing everything back and forth.

01:56:08.000 And...

01:56:08.000 You got two, well, three monsters on the cast.

01:56:11.000 You got Phil Hartman, who's a monster, Dave Foley, a monster, and Andy Dick was a monster.

01:56:16.000 So those were like their go-to guys for like carrying scenes and big moments.

01:56:20.000 And, you know, I would come in with something wacky on occasion.

01:56:23.000 I would have some wacky thing that I would do.

01:56:25.000 I thought they were great about...

01:56:27.000 Divvying it up.

01:56:28.000 The one who got the slight, in my opinion, is Candy Alexander, the blackjack that was on the show.

01:56:33.000 She's a badass actress, man.

01:56:35.000 That girl is a powerful, strong actress.

01:56:38.000 And I just don't think they ever really totally got her.

01:56:41.000 I don't think she had enough roles where it was like...

01:56:45.000 But, you know, a bunch of white dudes from Harvard.

01:56:48.000 Yeah, right.

01:56:49.000 Right for this sexy blackjack.

01:56:50.000 What was the baseball show you did right before that?

01:56:52.000 Hardball, that piece of shit.

01:56:54.000 Yeah, that was cool.

01:56:55.000 You got it right away.

01:56:56.000 I got lucky.

01:56:57.000 That's for sure.

01:56:58.000 The two things that were the luckiest that I ever got was getting hardball and from getting hardball, getting news radio.

01:57:05.000 You know, the Fear Factory thing was more of a response to not wanting to be in the acting world anymore.

01:57:12.000 When I took Fear Factor for the money, A, but also B, because I knew I wouldn't have to deal with actors.

01:57:18.000 I wasn't going to have to deal with scripts and the creative aspect of bad comedy.

01:57:23.000 Because you go from a show like News Radio, which is a really good show, try finding another really good show.

01:57:28.000 Good luck.

01:57:29.000 Oh, I know.

01:57:30.000 I've been on them.

01:57:31.000 And I read from some.

01:57:32.000 It was painful.

01:57:34.000 They were bad.

01:57:35.000 Just clumsy and clunky.

01:57:36.000 Joe, I got fired from a show that was written for me.

01:57:40.000 I was so happy when it went down in flames because it was so bad.

01:57:46.000 They hired this real actor, Dan Hedaya, and he couldn't make it work.

01:57:50.000 Dan Hedaya, why do I know that name?

01:57:52.000 He was the father in Clueless.

01:57:54.000 He was Cher's father in Clueless.

01:57:56.000 Oh, wow.

01:57:58.000 Would you do another sitcom?

01:58:00.000 Yeah, definitely.

01:58:02.000 If Paul Sims was going to do another sitcom, the guy who made News Radio, I almost did another one of his.

01:58:07.000 I'd love to work with you, man.

01:58:08.000 I did a pilot of a show called Overseas.

01:58:12.000 It was a pilot.

01:58:13.000 I played some guy that was in some other country for some strange reason.

01:58:16.000 I got stuck over there.

01:58:18.000 But he's just a brilliant guy.

01:58:21.000 He's just such an out-of-the-box guy.

01:58:22.000 I know there's other out-of-the-box guys out there.

01:58:24.000 I think the guy who...

01:58:26.000 What's his name?

01:58:27.000 Dan Harmon?

01:58:28.000 The guy who makes community?

01:58:29.000 Like, everybody's saying the community is just like a hundred times better this season now that he's back.

01:58:32.000 That he's back and Chevy Chase is gone.

01:58:34.000 Yeah, Chevy Chase.

01:58:35.000 Yeah, that was the other thing.

01:58:37.000 He's a happy-go-lucky guy, huh?

01:58:38.000 Yeah, he doesn't seem so, huh?

01:58:40.000 What's the guy's name?

01:58:42.000 The Soup?

01:58:44.000 Joel McHale.

01:58:46.000 Sorry.

01:58:46.000 Great guy, too, by the way.

01:58:47.000 I feel like a dick.

01:58:49.000 I'm not remembering your name, but I blame the weed.

01:58:51.000 Joel McHale was on Opie and Anthony and he was talking about Chevy Chase that he just really didn't want to be there.

01:58:56.000 How do you get insulted at your own roast?

01:58:58.000 You get insulted.

01:58:59.000 It's a roast.

01:59:00.000 Yeah, they're going to say things that are supposed to hurt your feelings.

01:59:04.000 Exactly.

01:59:04.000 That's why you don't get a roast.

01:59:06.000 Don't organize your own.

01:59:08.000 Do I like them?

01:59:09.000 I liked them when I did them.

01:59:10.000 You know, I did them with those, like, the real old guys.

01:59:13.000 I was like the young kid, and it was Milton Berle and all those guys in the 80s.

01:59:17.000 And I liked them, because they were like the real originators of the roast.

01:59:20.000 Now, how much can you talk about how big Chloris Leachman's cunt is?

01:59:25.000 You know what I mean?

01:59:25.000 How often does that come out?

01:59:27.000 Is that like a big part of roasts?

01:59:28.000 Yeah.

01:59:29.000 And now for the mandatory, how big is Cloris Leachman's cunt?

01:59:32.000 Actually, it came up about fucking 20 times when I went to see Pamela Anderson roasted, I think it was.

01:59:41.000 Or no, maybe it was her or Saget, I forget.

01:59:44.000 I always get those two mixed up.

01:59:46.000 And they just relentlessly did the same fucking joke.

01:59:49.000 You could drive a car into Pamela Anderson's cunt and this and that.

01:59:52.000 You know, it's like, holy shit.

01:59:53.000 That's so not true.

01:59:54.000 I've seen that video.

01:59:55.000 The Tommy Lee video?

01:59:56.000 It's not, yeah.

01:59:57.000 It's a tiny little thing.

01:59:58.000 Yeah.

01:59:58.000 Not big at all.

01:59:59.000 What kind of cars are you driving?

02:00:01.000 I can't jerk off to a video like that.

02:00:03.000 No?

02:00:03.000 No, not like a...

02:00:04.000 Is this dick too big?

02:00:04.000 Well, no.

02:00:05.000 Just a married couple that I don't want to...

02:00:07.000 Oh, that's so sweet.

02:00:08.000 I want to see people that are, you know, like, out of this world.

02:00:11.000 Not real people.

02:00:13.000 Like our prostitute friend.

02:00:15.000 I haven't been a prostitute in a while.

02:00:17.000 How long?

02:00:17.000 A couple days?

02:00:19.000 What time is it?

02:00:21.000 No, I took blood pressure medication about two years ago and it made me, like we were saying, it made me less Italian and more Irish.

02:00:28.000 Do you think that you would ever be into doing something to radically change your health?

02:00:34.000 Like, if someone, if you took on, like, someone who told you what to eat, worked you out every day, put you through the paces, got your body into a better shape, better condition, and actually got you to the...

02:00:46.000 How the fuck could I get in better shape, Joe?

02:00:47.000 It's almost impossible.

02:00:48.000 I mean, you're at the top.

02:00:49.000 Like an Olympia.

02:00:50.000 But I feel like we're gonna, like, we could polish it up a little bit.

02:00:54.000 You could fine-tune it.

02:00:55.000 Fine-tune it a little bit.

02:00:57.000 A little bit.

02:00:58.000 No, where I am, I'm totally fucking pleased with you.

02:01:01.000 I love having a gut.

02:01:02.000 Yeah.

02:01:03.000 Because I got something to rest my hands on when I'm thinking.

02:01:06.000 You have my favorite line ever when it comes to being gay and being in the closet.

02:01:13.000 You go, I wish I was in the closet just so I could come out.

02:01:17.000 That's how little I give a fuck.

02:01:19.000 That was just a line for the show.

02:01:21.000 I never did that on stage.

02:01:22.000 He said, I wish I was gay just so I could come out of the closet.

02:01:26.000 Something exciting.

02:01:27.000 Look at Todd Glass.

02:01:28.000 He got more press on that.

02:01:29.000 Fucking Ellen, it made her career.

02:01:30.000 Well, I'll tell you what.

02:01:31.000 When Todd Glass came on the podcast, that was the first time I had talked to him in person since he came out, I guess you're supposed to say.

02:01:38.000 He seemed so relieved.

02:01:40.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:01:40.000 And he was so relieved that he could come on the show and be, God, barbecued.

02:01:43.000 He was so relieved that we could all do that together and be giggly and silly and he wouldn't have to worry about feeling like he's being attacked or that he was hiding something.

02:01:51.000 That's a big thing for those guys, man.

02:01:53.000 Or for those girls or anybody who's hiding something like that.

02:01:57.000 No one should care, man.

02:01:58.000 No one should care.

02:01:59.000 You should be able to tell people that you're into dressing like a girl.

02:02:02.000 You should be able to tell people that you like to fuck guys.

02:02:05.000 You should be able to tell people whatever the fuck it is.

02:02:06.000 Who would make an uglier fucking girl than you or I? Me?

02:02:10.000 I would be the ugly.

02:02:11.000 My fucking jaw.

02:02:13.000 You would be a little bit uglier than me.

02:02:14.000 Yeah, a little bit.

02:02:15.000 A little bit more confusing.

02:02:16.000 You would be a little bit hotter chick than me.

02:02:18.000 That's the way I like to think of each other.

02:02:19.000 But if I was going to go to a girl to get a handjob...

02:02:24.000 I might go to you.

02:02:26.000 Soft hands.

02:02:27.000 I would think, yeah, soft hands.

02:02:28.000 You got the lips too.

02:02:29.000 There's a lot of like, I'm not blowing anybody though.

02:02:32.000 That's where I draw the line, even if I was a gal.

02:02:34.000 Not even with condoms?

02:02:35.000 But if I think, blowing someone with a condom is just like fucking shaking their hand through a window.

02:02:40.000 You know?

02:02:40.000 Come on.

02:02:41.000 What's going on there?

02:02:42.000 You know, you put your hand on the glass?

02:02:44.000 You're not really shaking hands.

02:02:45.000 You know?

02:02:46.000 Someone's just going up and down on your dick when there's a condom on it.

02:02:49.000 I'm like, what is that?

02:02:50.000 That's a strange, weird barrier between you and pleasure.

02:02:55.000 And we need that because people have diseases in their mouths and their dicks.

02:03:00.000 We're gross.

02:03:01.000 People are gross or fucking gross diseases.

02:03:04.000 There was this hooker.

02:03:05.000 She's a porn...

02:03:06.000 I love the porn star fucking theory.

02:03:08.000 Like everybody...

02:03:09.000 They never say...

02:03:10.000 They say he's a working actor.

02:03:12.000 They don't say he's a star.

02:03:13.000 He's not a star.

02:03:15.000 Anyway, she came up to me at the comedy store, gave me a hug, she goes, and she Facebooked me, but my ex-wife does my Facebook.

02:03:22.000 Right.

02:03:22.000 And she wrote, did I tell you this?

02:03:24.000 Yeah, you did tell me.

02:03:24.000 Oh, okay.

02:03:27.000 She came after me, she said she wanted to exchange sexual favors for comedy wisdom.

02:03:33.000 And my wife said, she goes, who is this?

02:03:36.000 My ex-wife, she goes, who is this fucking nut?

02:03:38.000 I just ripped it up and threw it out.

02:03:39.000 No!

02:03:41.000 She goes, she sounded like a whore.

02:03:43.000 I go, but that's the good thing.

02:03:44.000 Right?

02:03:45.000 Your ex-wife doesn't know you very well.

02:03:47.000 No.

02:03:47.000 Anyway, she did get in touch with me.

02:03:49.000 Yeah.

02:03:50.000 But you know what?

02:03:51.000 She was so fucking annoying about comedy, it turned me off.

02:03:54.000 Really?

02:03:54.000 Yeah, because she wanted way more comedy than I wanted anything from her.

02:03:58.000 Well, when someone...

02:03:59.000 And then I saw it in a lesbian video.

02:04:01.000 When someone wants to learn how to do comedy, there's a few things you can tell them, but there's very few.

02:04:08.000 The real thing that they need to do is go on stage.

02:04:10.000 Go on stage a lot and chop it down yourself.

02:04:15.000 Minimize the amount of words you use.

02:04:17.000 Maximize the impact of those words.

02:04:20.000 Figure those things out.

02:04:20.000 Find out what it is that's funny and unique about you.

02:04:23.000 Listen to yourself.

02:04:24.000 There's a few things you can tell someone.

02:04:25.000 When they want to go over individual bits with you, they basically want you to write their act.

02:04:29.000 And that happens to a lot of boyfriends.

02:04:31.000 I mean, it's a joke that I've heard used on several different comedians that are female that wind up dating men that are also comedians, and then men start writing their acts.

02:04:40.000 I mean, we know guys who have done it.

02:04:42.000 It happens all the fucking time.

02:04:44.000 And, you know, that's not as fun.

02:04:47.000 That's weird.

02:04:48.000 That's a weird...

02:04:49.000 But then there's cases like Tom Segura and Christina Pazitsky, where I'm sure they go over bits with each other, but they go over bits as peers.

02:04:58.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:04:59.000 Tom's not rewriting her act.

02:05:01.000 She's not rewriting Tom's act.

02:05:02.000 They're both hilarious.

02:05:03.000 That's very rare, yeah.

02:05:04.000 Yes, but that's ideal.

02:05:06.000 That's why I love when something like that happens because people always like to use that thing, that standby cliche that two comedians can never be husband and wife and be happy.

02:05:17.000 Two people that are in the same position, the same sort of occupation, they would just wind up fighting each other.

02:05:24.000 Tom and Christina get along great, and they're both fucking great.

02:05:27.000 They're both really funny people.

02:05:29.000 You see them together, they're laughing together, and they're always laughing with each other, and they enjoy each other's company, and they're both really good.

02:05:38.000 It's so rare when you see something like that.

02:05:40.000 It's so awesome to see.

02:05:40.000 Yeah, I think that's the aberration.

02:05:41.000 I don't think it's normal.

02:05:42.000 But it's possible.

02:05:43.000 It's possible.

02:05:44.000 It's totally possible.

02:05:45.000 That's what I like.

02:05:46.000 I like that it's possible.

02:05:47.000 That ruined my marriage.

02:05:49.000 Yeah.

02:05:49.000 The competition, yeah.

02:05:51.000 Because, like, I was getting hired for Saturday Night Live, like, 1980, and I got, like, three episodes.

02:05:56.000 It's a long story.

02:05:57.000 It's not even worth it.

02:05:58.000 You sound like Brian Callen right now.

02:06:00.000 Oh, do I really?

02:06:00.000 No big deal.

02:06:01.000 It's just, like, the greatest comedian of all time.

02:06:03.000 No, no, I didn't mean it like that.

02:06:05.000 I just meant the story was actually too long.

02:06:08.000 But anyway, I'm not on the fucking show, and I come home, she goes, did you mention me to them?

02:06:14.000 I said, I didn't mention you.

02:06:15.000 I don't even have a fucking voice.

02:06:17.000 I don't even have an agent.

02:06:18.000 So that really kind of ruined a lot of things.

02:06:21.000 Yeah, that's rough.

02:06:22.000 Ooh, did you mention me?

02:06:23.000 I had a friend who got apart and his girlfriend started crying immediately.

02:06:27.000 And it's like, when is something going to happen for me?

02:06:30.000 Oh, no.

02:06:30.000 It was so...

02:06:31.000 It was so uncomfortable to be around.

02:06:33.000 Yeah, that's...

02:06:34.000 She was doing it, like, in front of me, and I was like, okay, uh...

02:06:38.000 She was crying in front of you?

02:06:39.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

02:06:40.000 He goes, guess what?

02:06:41.000 I got the part.

02:06:42.000 Holy shit.

02:06:43.000 And she starts crying, like, when is something going to happen to me?

02:06:46.000 I think for some people, they're just not cut out for the pressure of, like, trying to audition and go after things.

02:06:54.000 Like, one of the things that people point out is how crazy actresses are and actors are.

02:06:58.000 Yeah.

02:06:58.000 But I think one of the reasons why they're so crazy is not just that they came here crazy, but that the process itself is so terrifying and mind-numbing and obsessive.

02:07:07.000 Because it's so difficult to get cast in something.

02:07:10.000 So difficult when you're competing against thousands of other people on a daily basis for a limited amount of roles.

02:07:16.000 And you're barely getting by.

02:07:18.000 And then you finally do get something.

02:07:19.000 I think all those years and years and years of rejection.

02:07:22.000 I think you can really fuck with people's heads, man.

02:07:26.000 It's really bad, especially when they're already a little bit insecure, they're already a little bit nutty, they're maybe possibly a little bit depressed, maybe a little bit chemical, you know?

02:07:35.000 Yeah.

02:07:35.000 I just never felt like anybody else's success diminished me.

02:07:38.000 Like, I don't think because Eddie Murphy got 48 hours that if he didn't get it, I was going to get it.

02:07:42.000 Right.

02:07:43.000 You know, I just never thought like that.

02:07:44.000 No, you never did.

02:07:45.000 You never had...

02:07:46.000 And you've never had, like, this weird resentment that a lot of people have towards people that they have no relation to.

02:07:54.000 You know, look at fucking this guy, you know, Damon Wayans.

02:07:57.000 Damon Wayans thinks he's a motherfucker.

02:07:59.000 Damon Wayans ain't got shit.

02:08:00.000 That's all you did.

02:08:01.000 Damon Wayans.

02:08:01.000 You know, why?

02:08:03.000 What do you care about Damon Wayans?

02:08:04.000 Is he in any way affecting your path?

02:08:06.000 No.

02:08:07.000 I mean, look at your career.

02:08:08.000 You have such, I mean, such a unique is redundant.

02:08:12.000 But I mean, you're like, I could never fucking announce fights like you do.

02:08:18.000 You're an expert on that shit.

02:08:20.000 There's no competition.

02:08:21.000 Your stand-up and mine are so different.

02:08:24.000 Hopefully the only end result is they're both funny.

02:08:27.000 We're both very lucky.

02:08:29.000 We're both very lucky that we figured out our path in life.

02:08:33.000 I'm in a weird spot where I'm extremely lucky because I like to do a lot of things.

02:08:38.000 And I get lucky that there's a job for those things.

02:08:41.000 If the UFC didn't exist, I would watch exactly...

02:08:44.000 I mean, if the job, rather.

02:08:46.000 Me being the commentator didn't exist.

02:08:48.000 If we just watched fights live and no one ever talked about it, I would still be doing the same thing.

02:08:52.000 I'd be doing the exact same, almost.

02:08:54.000 I mean, I certainly wouldn't be breaking it down for a broadcast, but I'd be watching every single one of them.

02:09:00.000 I'd watch everything.

02:09:01.000 I'd watch them live if I could.

02:09:02.000 I did before I even worked there.

02:09:03.000 I just got super lucky.

02:09:04.000 You can hear how happy you are doing that.

02:09:07.000 You can hear it in your voice.

02:09:08.000 You'll love it.

02:09:09.000 Yeah, I do enjoy it.

02:09:10.000 It's fun.

02:09:10.000 But I'm just lucky.

02:09:11.000 I'm lucky there's a lot of cool shit to do in the world, you know?

02:09:14.000 Martial arts is just one of many cool things.

02:09:17.000 I mean, I could probably learn new things forever and ever and always be excited.

02:09:21.000 Like, skateboarding seems like it'd be fun.

02:09:23.000 I just started learning how to ski.

02:09:25.000 Skiing is fun.

02:09:26.000 It's exciting.

02:09:26.000 I mean, I bet it would be really fun to learn how to play an instrument.

02:09:29.000 You know, if I had more time, I'd probably pursue that.

02:09:31.000 I started doing archery recently.

02:09:33.000 I got these targets.

02:09:34.000 I set them up in my backyard.

02:09:35.000 I bought a Bowtech Experience 60 pound pull compound bow.

02:09:41.000 Oh dude, it shoots things like a laser beam.

02:09:43.000 It's amazing.

02:09:44.000 Come on over.

02:09:45.000 Come on over.

02:09:46.000 Let's have a bow party.

02:09:47.000 Please hide those from the kids.

02:09:48.000 They can't touch it and they can never pull it back in the first place.

02:09:50.000 The arrows are locked up and the bow is so incredibly difficult to pull back.

02:09:55.000 60 pounds, like a grown man like yourself.

02:09:58.000 Not like me, of course.

02:09:59.000 I could just pull that bitch back.

02:10:02.000 Is that for real?

02:10:02.000 The really strong guys actually use a 70 pound bow.

02:10:06.000 Guy in here yesterday was probably 20 pounds lighter than me.

02:10:08.000 He actually uses a 70 pound bow.

02:10:10.000 So he uses a bow that's 10 pounds stronger than mine.

02:10:13.000 But I'm just learning how to do it now.

02:10:14.000 I'm not really concerned with it being like the fastest bow in the world.

02:10:17.000 I just enjoy hitting targets.

02:10:19.000 I have these rubber squares like set up at different parts of my yard and I get up on this little platform in my yard.

02:10:27.000 I get the dogs out of the yard and I shoot arrows.

02:10:30.000 It's fun, man.

02:10:31.000 It's really exciting.

02:10:32.000 It's like when you hit a target that you want to hit, like whatever reason, you know, your body goes, ooh.

02:10:39.000 It's more exciting than shooting a basketball into a net.

02:10:43.000 Like basketball into a net has always been exciting, like playing a horse, like three points, whoa!

02:10:47.000 But a fucking 50-yard bullseye with an arrow, whatchunk!

02:10:52.000 There's something like, it goes to your DNA. It's some Robin Hood shit.

02:10:55.000 It's left over.

02:10:56.000 You could throw some watermelons in the backyard.

02:10:57.000 That sounds fun, too.

02:10:58.000 Yeah, but watermelons are food.

02:10:59.000 I don't want to waste food.

02:11:01.000 I feel guilty.

02:11:02.000 Can't be wasted food.

02:11:03.000 But I'll fuck up a squirrel that I catch slipping.

02:11:07.000 I'll eat a squirrel that I catch from my backyard.

02:11:09.000 What do you think about that rhino that's in the news right now?

02:11:12.000 Fucked up.

02:11:13.000 Fucked up.

02:11:13.000 Crazy.

02:11:14.000 Ridiculous.

02:11:15.000 Doesn't make any sense.

02:11:16.000 Makes me sick.

02:11:17.000 I don't like the idea.

02:11:19.000 If you don't know the story, there's a black rhino.

02:11:21.000 They auctioned off a right to hunt this black rhino, and the winning bidder paid $350,000 to kill this endangered animal.

02:11:32.000 Oh, that's fucked up.

02:11:33.000 And because of that, a million dollars is gonna go to the preservation of the black rhino.

02:11:37.000 I think that's ridiculous.

02:11:39.000 I think that guy's an asshole.

02:11:42.000 I don't care if that money goes to the preservation.

02:11:45.000 What this guy should do, if he's really concerned, this guy, this hunter, is go hunt with a camera, goddammit.

02:11:51.000 Go get a really good close-up photograph of this thing and know that you could have killed it.

02:11:56.000 Know you could have killed it.

02:11:57.000 You don't have to kill.

02:11:58.000 And then while you're there, go shoot some shit that you can kill.

02:12:01.000 You're in Africa.

02:12:01.000 Go shoot some wild buck.

02:12:03.000 Go shoot some warthogs.

02:12:05.000 Go shoot some things that the locals will eat.

02:12:08.000 It actually benefits the people there.

02:12:10.000 If you go to Africa...

02:12:11.000 I saw Matt Hughes, who's a former UFC champion.

02:12:14.000 One of the greatest mixed martial arts fighters ever.

02:12:17.000 He's also a big hunter.

02:12:18.000 He went to Africa with his son.

02:12:20.000 And he took all these photos of them shooting these animals and people just were all up his ass.

02:12:25.000 They were just shitting all over him and telling, you know, he's an asshole and he's not even eating that food.

02:12:31.000 These are trophy hunters.

02:12:32.000 He shot so many animals.

02:12:33.000 What they don't realize is when you go there and you do something like that, they take the money that you use to pay for your trip and that money goes to preserve these animals.

02:12:44.000 Then the meat from hunting that animal goes to feed these local villagers.

02:12:48.000 Like, they get very happy.

02:12:50.000 Like, they're excited.

02:12:51.000 They get all this lean—they don't have guns, and so they get all this lean protein free from these hunters, and they get it every day.

02:12:58.000 Because every day they're bringing in new hunters, and every day they're harvesting new animals.

02:13:02.000 Like, people don't like it because they feel like it should be a direct relationship.

02:13:06.000 You should shoot a deer, then you eat the deer or give some of the meat out to your friends or something like that, which I kind of agree with.

02:13:12.000 I don't want to be the guy that's going somewhere to kill animals for a bunch of different people.

02:13:16.000 But if you did, that's actually a very selfless thing to do.

02:13:20.000 He's enjoying the hunting aspect of it, but he's also donating all this meat to poor people.

02:13:26.000 But nobody wants to see it that way.

02:13:28.000 Everybody has this black or white thing when it comes to animals.

02:13:31.000 Either you love animals and respect them, And you don't shoot them, or you hate animals and you're a fucking evil person, even if you both have the same diet.

02:13:40.000 I mean, the idea that someone would want to kill that thing when we know there's only like a few thousand of them left, that's fucking crazy.

02:13:47.000 You know, I hope somebody steps in, and I hope...

02:13:50.000 I mean, really, that's something that the president should talk about.

02:13:53.000 The president should have a fucking joint conference where he talks about SeaWorld and killing black rhinos.

02:13:59.000 And just say, what would we do if someone came here from...

02:14:03.000 Look, they sawed off the horn.

02:14:05.000 Oh my god, that's fucked, man.

02:14:07.000 You know why, right?

02:14:08.000 Yeah, because Chinese dudes think that it makes your dick hard.

02:14:11.000 On your pills.

02:14:11.000 They haven't figured out Viagra yet, I guess.

02:14:14.000 No way rhino horn is as good as Viagra.

02:14:17.000 By the way, you know what rhino horn is?

02:14:18.000 It's hair.

02:14:19.000 You're eating hair.

02:14:20.000 Yeah, that horn is hair.

02:14:22.000 It's thickly knotted hair that grows into a point.

02:14:26.000 Yeah, it's not like an antler.

02:14:27.000 Like this deer antler here, this antler falls off every year.

02:14:30.000 And you find them on the ground.

02:14:32.000 They're called sheds.

02:14:33.000 And they grow every year.

02:14:35.000 And then, you know, they butt heads with those things on.

02:14:37.000 That's how they used to spar.

02:14:38.000 Yeah.

02:14:39.000 Well, that's not the case with a rhino.

02:14:41.000 With a rhino, it's actually hair.

02:14:42.000 It's like the same thing that fingernails are made out of.

02:14:44.000 It's like keratin.

02:14:46.000 Kind of crazy shit, man.

02:14:47.000 But the idea that anybody would pay to do that, like, don't do it, man.

02:14:51.000 Don't fucking kill rhinos.

02:14:55.000 There's been an argument against killing elephants, but there's certain areas of Africa where they have an overpopulation issue with elephants, and they've taken to assassinating elephants.

02:15:05.000 They've taken to hunting them.

02:15:06.000 It's really freaky because they're bringing in hunters, and there was a TV show on the other night where this guy went to Africa and just snuck up on an elephant and shot it in the fucking head, and it doesn't seem right.

02:15:16.000 It seems fucked up.

02:15:17.000 Did you ever play with ivory balls?

02:15:19.000 No, no, never played with ivory balls.

02:15:21.000 I did.

02:15:21.000 But they gave the food to the villagers, and they were saying it's a year's food for these people.

02:15:25.000 Oh, that's cool.

02:15:26.000 So, yeah, I guess, but there's something about elephants that freaks me out.

02:15:29.000 Yeah.

02:15:29.000 It freaks me out they kill elephants.

02:15:30.000 Yeah, it's like whales.

02:15:32.000 Yeah, to me elephants are smart as shit.

02:15:34.000 They recognize each other when they haven't seen each other in 20 years.

02:15:37.000 Did you know that?

02:15:38.000 Really?

02:15:39.000 Yep.

02:15:39.000 Well, that's the whole memory thing then, huh?

02:15:41.000 Yes.

02:15:42.000 Yes.

02:15:42.000 Well, they have really good minds.

02:15:43.000 Their minds are much more complex than we ever thought.

02:15:46.000 In fact, they can create art.

02:15:48.000 You can teach an elephant to use a paintbrush and they can draw themselves.

02:15:51.000 Really?

02:15:52.000 You've never seen that?

02:15:52.000 No.

02:15:53.000 Oh my God.

02:15:53.000 Wait till you see this.

02:15:54.000 I'm going to show you something you're not even going to believe it's real.

02:15:56.000 It's an elephant painting himself.

02:15:58.000 And when you see it and how good it is, it's like what my five-year-old would do.

02:16:03.000 It's like a five-year-old human.

02:16:04.000 I don't know if that represents the same intelligence as a small child, but goddammit, it seems like there's something really serious going on behind the scenes there.

02:16:16.000 They're able to draw themselves, Dom Herrera.

02:16:20.000 They're able to...

02:16:20.000 Self-portrait.

02:16:21.000 Pull ahead because this is a long-ass video.

02:16:23.000 But look at this.

02:16:24.000 He's using his...

02:16:25.000 And you would think, okay, this is bullshit.

02:16:26.000 This is fake.

02:16:27.000 No.

02:16:27.000 He really is.

02:16:28.000 He's using his own trunk and he's trying to draw what he sees.

02:16:34.000 Look at it.

02:16:35.000 He's drawing tusks, Dom Herrera.

02:16:36.000 He's drawing the legs.

02:16:38.000 It's like perfect, like how he got it perfect.

02:16:40.000 It's fucking incredible.

02:16:41.000 Incredible.

02:16:42.000 That's an intelligent animal.

02:16:44.000 And in my opinion, hunting that animal should be...

02:16:47.000 Look how good that is, goddammit.

02:16:50.000 That's insane.

02:16:51.000 That should be the last resort.

02:16:53.000 Is this for real?

02:16:53.000 Yes, it's for real.

02:16:54.000 Holy shit.

02:16:55.000 It should be the last resort when it comes to preserving these animals.

02:17:00.000 That's ridiculous.

02:17:01.000 What they should do is figure out a way to either...

02:17:04.000 Move them to areas where their populations have drastically decreased or find some way to give them some food that makes them less likely to get pregnant.

02:17:15.000 I mean, who knows what strategies they could come up with, but shooting them seems really sad to me.

02:17:22.000 That's super smart.

02:17:23.000 That's smarter than a wolf.

02:17:25.000 Okay?

02:17:25.000 That's unbelievable.

02:17:27.000 Yeah.

02:17:27.000 I mean, that's the argument against killing wolves, is that they're smart and they're very much like dogs and, you know, but that's way smarter than a fucking wolf.

02:17:35.000 That's smarter than a monkey, man.

02:17:36.000 That's smart as shit.

02:17:37.000 How smart are these goddamn things?

02:17:39.000 That's fucking cool.

02:17:40.000 Yeah.

02:17:40.000 It's interesting to me.

02:17:41.000 Look, watch him do it.

02:17:42.000 This is not bullshit.

02:17:43.000 Look him do it.

02:17:44.000 See, now you can see the actual full elephant.

02:17:48.000 Look at this.

02:17:49.000 I mean, this is utterly incredible.

02:17:54.000 Utterly incredible.

02:17:59.000 It's amazing.

02:18:01.000 Wow.

02:18:02.000 Yeah, I don't know, man.

02:18:04.000 The relationship between...

02:18:07.000 You gonna die?

02:18:08.000 No.

02:18:09.000 The relationship that we have between other animals is a very strained one.

02:18:13.000 It's very strange how we, because we have some animals that we use for food, and some animals that we decide to use as a resource, and, you know, it's all very cruel.

02:18:25.000 I don't understand the rationalization sometimes between what animals you pick to kill to eat.

02:18:30.000 In the sense that people are pescatarians.

02:18:33.000 What makes them think fish are happy to be on a hook?

02:18:36.000 Well, the idea is that fish don't take care of their young.

02:18:40.000 Oh, dolphins aren't fish.

02:18:41.000 Yeah, fish don't take care of their young, so they're like, fuck these fish.

02:18:44.000 Look how good that is, Domirera.

02:18:45.000 He drew fucking flowers in his trunk.

02:18:48.000 It's insane.

02:18:49.000 It's insane.

02:18:50.000 It's insane how talented this elephant is at drawing.

02:18:54.000 I mean, that's better than most people could probably draw now.

02:18:56.000 I think if you kill that, that's murder.

02:18:58.000 Look at this.

02:18:59.000 Look at this thing painting the sky, man.

02:19:02.000 Are you fucking shitting me?

02:19:03.000 It's painting a word.

02:19:06.000 Jesus Christ.

02:19:07.000 This is insane.

02:19:09.000 Where is this at?

02:19:10.000 I don't know.

02:19:10.000 On YouTube.

02:19:12.000 If you guys want to see it, it's under Elephants Painting Elephants.

02:19:15.000 Suda.

02:19:16.000 That's the name of him.

02:19:17.000 He's writing his name.

02:19:19.000 Yeah, he knows how to write his name.

02:19:20.000 I mean, this is insanity.

02:19:22.000 You kill that thing, that's murder.

02:19:24.000 Absolutely.

02:19:25.000 That's like a big giant person or something.

02:19:27.000 That doesn't make any sense to me.

02:19:29.000 Whatever that is, it doesn't make any sense to me.

02:19:31.000 Mind-blowing.

02:19:33.000 Unbelievably fascinating.

02:19:35.000 But to those villagers, one year's food.

02:19:38.000 We just eat.

02:19:39.000 I can't fucking believe that.

02:19:42.000 It's hard to believe.

02:19:44.000 Yeah.

02:19:45.000 If I walk out of here and I hear you guys laughing.

02:19:48.000 No.

02:19:48.000 It's legit.

02:19:50.000 Intelligent animals.

02:19:51.000 Intelligent animals are, in my opinion, we should treat them very differently than we treat everything else.

02:19:56.000 Well, I never believed that animals couldn't think.

02:19:58.000 I always believe, they always said, dogs don't think, it's just instinct.

02:20:01.000 I don't buy that.

02:20:02.000 No, animals fucking think, man.

02:20:04.000 Of course they think.

02:20:04.000 They just don't think as well as we do.

02:20:06.000 So we like to say they don't think.

02:20:07.000 Yeah.

02:20:08.000 They're just, they're limited.

02:20:09.000 I mean, their bodies are about survival and breeding.

02:20:12.000 Survival and breeding, and those are the only things.

02:20:14.000 They don't create culture.

02:20:15.000 We become ultra-complex because we create culture and because we have the ability to manipulate our environment.

02:20:20.000 So that's why we categorize dolphins in this weird gray area that allows us to enslave them.

02:20:25.000 Because they can't create culture and because they can't manipulate their environment, they don't have fingers, we don't see any evidence of their intelligence.

02:20:32.000 But meanwhile, there's tons of scientific evidence of the fact that they can communicate with each other, that they have a language, that they have dialects.

02:20:38.000 That they have family communities, that they recognize each other at long distances, that they pool together.

02:20:45.000 I mean, it's an intelligent thing that you're enslaving.

02:20:48.000 It's all that is.

02:20:49.000 There's no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

02:20:52.000 It's a bad argument.

02:20:53.000 Whether it's an orca, you know, orcas are fucking even smarter than dolphins.

02:20:57.000 They're super intelligent animals.

02:20:59.000 It's madness.

02:21:00.000 It's madness.

02:21:02.000 It's total madness.

02:21:02.000 And when you see an elephant that can paint a fucking picture better than most of us in this room...

02:21:09.000 What is that?

02:21:10.000 That elephant paints better than you.

02:21:12.000 That's the most phenomenal thing I've ever seen an animal do.

02:21:14.000 It's incredible.

02:21:15.000 It's incredible.

02:21:16.000 Have you ever seen chimps spell their name?

02:21:17.000 Chimps can spell their name for candy.

02:21:19.000 They teach them how to solve complex puzzles, and they give them candy, and then they can remember the order of things.

02:21:26.000 I think?

02:21:50.000 All this other stupid shit we're doing.

02:21:51.000 Or even if they make enough wild that it seems wild to them.

02:21:54.000 Yeah, maybe.

02:21:55.000 I mean, if you have a really large place.

02:21:57.000 But, like, that lady in Connecticut that was living with one, and it wound up biting her friend's face off?

02:22:02.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

02:22:03.000 That is criminal negligence.

02:22:06.000 I mean, that's no different than building bombs in your yard, and your friend comes over and you blow your friend's face off.

02:22:10.000 They're so fucking strong.

02:22:12.000 Not just strong, but violent as fuck.

02:22:14.000 And guess what she gave the chimp?

02:22:16.000 Xanax.

02:22:17.000 Really?

02:22:18.000 Yeah, she gave the chimp Xanax and wine.

02:22:21.000 Bitch was crazy.

02:22:22.000 She had this 200-pound murderous monster living in her house.

02:22:26.000 This yoked-up super monster.

02:22:28.000 He was in a cage, right?

02:22:30.000 He was wearing a diaper.

02:22:31.000 Yeah.

02:22:32.000 I don't think he was in a cage.

02:22:33.000 Oh, I thought he was in a cage when he reached out for her.

02:22:35.000 No, no, no.

02:22:36.000 No, no, no.

02:22:36.000 He lived in that...

02:22:38.000 He wandered around.

02:22:39.000 He did whatever he wanted to.

02:22:40.000 But the woman was babysitting him.

02:22:41.000 No.

02:22:42.000 What happened was the woman's friend came over.

02:22:45.000 When the woman's friend came over, the chimp did not like the woman's friend.

02:22:49.000 The woman's friend kept him from her maybe.

02:22:51.000 Maybe he thought of her as his girlfriend.

02:22:53.000 So he just attacked and just ripped her apart.

02:22:56.000 Holy shit.

02:22:56.000 Look at the muscles on those fucking things.

02:22:58.000 Are you kidding me, man?

02:22:59.000 That looks like Husamar Palhares.

02:23:03.000 But even more muscular.

02:23:04.000 He's definitely on it.

02:23:05.000 I could see him using kettlebells and battle ropes.

02:23:08.000 The zombie ones.

02:23:09.000 Chimps give zero fucks.

02:23:10.000 That's one of the scariest animals in the world if it's trying to get you.

02:23:13.000 Oh, yeah.

02:23:13.000 Because if they got a hold of you, like, you might be able to even fight off a bear to the point where the bear decides, like, you're too crazy, fuck it, I'll leave him alone.

02:23:21.000 If the bear wasn't hungry, if it's a nutty bear...

02:23:23.000 But a chimp is not going to let you win.

02:23:26.000 They're having a contest with you.

02:23:28.000 And they're going to bite your fingers off.

02:23:30.000 They're going to beat you senseless.

02:23:31.000 They're going to pull your genitals off.

02:23:32.000 They'll pull your pants off and bite your asshole.

02:23:35.000 They know how to hurt you.

02:23:37.000 They're smart.

02:23:38.000 I think it would be one of the most terrifying animals to have to face in an encounter.

02:23:43.000 Yeah, I'd probably take my chances with something like a shark before a chimpanzee.

02:23:47.000 People live in chimpanzee fights, too, but they get ripped apart.

02:23:52.000 Sometimes people get rescued.

02:23:53.000 It's usually in preserves that all this stuff happens, too, by the way.

02:23:57.000 In the wild, it's very rare that a chimpanzee attacks a person.

02:24:00.000 But did you see that picture that I had on Twitter the other day of a jaguar that got killed with his bare hands?

02:24:05.000 We don't make men like this anymore.

02:24:07.000 It's an old black and white photo.

02:24:09.000 Motherfucker killed a jaguar with his hands.

02:24:12.000 Bare hands, it says.

02:24:13.000 It's on my Twitter page.

02:24:15.000 It's just yesterday.

02:24:16.000 Yeah, look at this motherfucker.

02:24:18.000 Carl Akeley, I salute you, you fucking savage of a man.

02:24:22.000 You real man.

02:24:23.000 You make me feel weak as a bitch.

02:24:25.000 Look at that goddamn savage.

02:24:27.000 He killed a leopard with his hands.

02:24:30.000 That's how you know.

02:24:32.000 That's how you know you can hold up under pressure.

02:24:34.000 When you're duking it out with a cat.

02:24:36.000 That's a big cat too.

02:24:37.000 It's not a big leopard.

02:24:38.000 What do you think that weighs?

02:24:41.000 120?

02:24:43.000 No, it's not that heavy.

02:24:44.000 Does it say how he actually did it?

02:24:46.000 That's like 70 pounds, 60, 70 pounds.

02:24:48.000 Did he crack the neck?

02:24:49.000 Look at it compared to his body.

02:24:51.000 No, it doesn't say how he did it.

02:24:52.000 At least I didn't read it.

02:24:53.000 Look at it in relationship to his body.

02:24:55.000 It's a perspective thing.

02:24:57.000 If you brought the head all the way down to the ground, the head is suspended about where his knee is.

02:25:03.000 It's hanging by its back feet.

02:25:04.000 If you brought the head all the way to the ground, it really wouldn't even be as long as most of his upper body.

02:25:11.000 Why was he even engaged with the animal?

02:25:12.000 Almost of his lower body, rather.

02:25:13.000 Did he come after him?

02:25:15.000 Yeah, attacked him.

02:25:16.000 Jumped him, tried to eat him.

02:25:18.000 People have been selling, ever since I've been putting up pictures from trail cameras, people have been sending me trail camera photos of mountain lions that they catch in their yards, or mountain lions that they catch near their house.

02:25:30.000 A guy sent me one today, from Florida, of these two fucking muscular Florida panthers.

02:25:36.000 You know, I've never seen a panther.

02:25:38.000 Never seen a mountain lion?

02:25:39.000 No, I've seen mountain lions, but I've never seen a panther.

02:25:41.000 Same animal.

02:25:42.000 It's smaller though, isn't it?

02:25:44.000 Um, maybe.

02:25:45.000 Maybe it doesn't get enough food.

02:25:46.000 I mean, I was in the Keys a couple weeks ago when we were talking about that because they had the signs up to beware of them, you know.

02:25:51.000 Well, like most fucked up things in Florida, the population is growing.

02:25:55.000 The population of fucked up people in Florida is growing.

02:25:58.000 The population of fucked up cats is growing.

02:26:00.000 The population of alligators is growing.

02:26:02.000 The population of bass salts abusers is growing.

02:26:06.000 Florida is fucking crazy.

02:26:07.000 And Don Myrera is going to be there this weekend, ladies and gentlemen.

02:26:09.000 That can't be real.

02:26:11.000 Segway.

02:26:11.000 Now, that's a Segway.

02:26:12.000 I want to put that in my driveway just to scare the fuck out of people.

02:26:15.000 Hey, Brian, can we set up a GoPro on the werewolf, please?

02:26:18.000 Oh, yeah.

02:26:18.000 Can we do that?

02:26:19.000 Yeah.

02:26:19.000 Let's figure that out.

02:26:20.000 That's your next project.

02:26:20.000 That is fucking terrifying.

02:26:21.000 Set up a GoPro for the werewolf.

02:26:22.000 I've got that drop cam.

02:26:23.000 Every time I walk in here, it bothers me.

02:26:25.000 Did you see the picture of Eddie Bravo?

02:26:26.000 Eddie Bravo Radio used the podcast studio the other night.

02:26:29.000 Powerful Jamie stepped in, saved the day.

02:26:31.000 Eddie Bravo's computer crashed, and Eddie called me up last minute.

02:26:34.000 He's like, dude, I'm fucked.

02:26:36.000 The podcast was in a half an hour, and my computer's crashed.

02:26:40.000 So he came over and used this place.

02:26:42.000 But when he did, he took all his clothes off and took a photo of him fucking the werewolf.

02:26:48.000 Pulled that shit up.

02:26:49.000 Eddie Bravo will commit to things in a way that very few people can.

02:26:55.000 I love this fucking dude.

02:26:56.000 He's so crazy.

02:26:58.000 This is a total Eddie Bravo picture that he would send you.

02:27:01.000 This epitomizes why I love this dude.

02:27:05.000 This is one of the reasons why he got a job as a writer on The Man Show.

02:27:09.000 Eddie Bravo's crazy.

02:27:10.000 Look how he's committing to it.

02:27:12.000 He's screaming.

02:27:14.000 At the top of his lungs, all of his clothes are off, and he's banging the werewolf from behind.

02:27:19.000 It would have been a little bit better if he had a little bit more of an angle so we could actually see his ass cheeks, so we know he's really, really naked.

02:27:25.000 He's so crazy, though.

02:27:26.000 Look at him.

02:27:27.000 He's so silly.

02:27:31.000 I love that dude.

02:27:33.000 Powerful Eddie Bravo.

02:27:35.000 So, yeah, we're going to let other people do it, too.

02:27:38.000 So, you know, all of our friends who do podcasts, I know Tommy wanted to use it at one point in time, and Duncan's going to use it, like, whenever they need to do shit with cameras and what have you.

02:27:46.000 I think it makes this place more the merrier.

02:27:49.000 I feel like the more good conversations we have in this place, I feel like it soaks into the walls.

02:27:54.000 It's good energy, yeah.

02:27:55.000 I love this fucking place.

02:27:56.000 When I come here, I feel like I'm at home.

02:27:58.000 I feel like this is our weird little portal to the rest of the world.

02:28:03.000 No, it's very cool.

02:28:03.000 I mean, I like the Laugh Factory, you know, but just for the comfort of being on a stage I'm comfortable on.

02:28:09.000 Well, that's also a stage you performed at for like two and a half decades.

02:28:13.000 Right.

02:28:13.000 Right?

02:28:13.000 That's a great place.

02:28:14.000 Yeah, since the late 80s.

02:28:16.000 Yeah.

02:28:17.000 Jesus Christ.

02:28:17.000 That's even more, right?

02:28:18.000 What is that?

02:28:19.000 46?

02:28:20.000 40...

02:28:20.000 Yeah.

02:28:21.000 Jesus Christ.

02:28:22.000 No.

02:28:22.000 Yeah.

02:28:23.000 46?

02:28:23.000 2014. Oh.

02:28:26.000 26, rather.

02:28:27.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:28:28.000 I'm 46, is what I meant.

02:28:30.000 I graduated in 85. I was 21. I was probably at the left factor, 89 and 90. Doing half talking and half adding my age in there.

02:28:39.000 What year did we do?

02:28:41.000 In 86, I was not 21. I was 21 and 88. Joe, what year did we do full frontal comedy?

02:28:48.000 I can't do math while you're talking to me.

02:28:50.000 Oh, sorry.

02:28:51.000 It's pretty complicated.

02:28:52.000 Full frontal comedy?

02:28:53.000 93, I think.

02:28:54.000 Did we?

02:28:56.000 The one in Montreal?

02:28:57.000 No, no.

02:28:58.000 That was...

02:28:59.000 Oh, that was Danger Zone.

02:29:00.000 That was also Showtime, right?

02:29:02.000 Yeah, I think so.

02:29:03.000 I think it must have been 94 then.

02:29:06.000 That's when Don Herrera and I became pool playing partners.

02:29:09.000 Wow.

02:29:10.000 Oh, we met in Amsterdam Billiards.

02:29:12.000 We first found out that we each played pool.

02:29:14.000 That's right.

02:29:15.000 Total luck by chance.

02:29:16.000 I was in town doing a gig.

02:29:18.000 Don was doing a gig.

02:29:19.000 We wound up knocking some balls around together.

02:29:20.000 And I said, you got a good stroke there, Mr. Herrera.

02:29:23.000 You got a better stroke, Rogan.

02:29:24.000 You play pretty good, fella.

02:29:26.000 For a comedian.

02:29:27.000 The All Comedians Pool League is you, Ari Shafir, me, What's his name?

02:29:37.000 Adam Farrar.

02:29:37.000 Adam Farrar plays very good.

02:29:39.000 Adam Farrar plays very good.

02:29:40.000 Greg Fitzsimmons.

02:29:40.000 Greg Fitzsimmons plays very good.

02:29:42.000 There you go.

02:29:42.000 That's good.

02:29:43.000 And what I was trying to think of is Craig Anthony.

02:29:45.000 Craig Anthony from the movies?

02:29:48.000 Or Anthony...

02:29:49.000 Shit.

02:29:50.000 Craig Robinson.

02:29:51.000 Craig Robinson.

02:29:52.000 Who's Craig Anthony?

02:29:53.000 Uh, the guy from Breakfast Club?

02:29:56.000 Someone's Craig Anthony.

02:29:57.000 Why do I know that name?

02:29:57.000 Craig Robinson from, yeah.

02:29:59.000 Craig Anthony, a fighter?

02:30:00.000 I don't know.

02:30:00.000 Craig Robinson.

02:30:01.000 Craig Robinson from This Is The End.

02:30:03.000 Did you see him in This Is The End?

02:30:05.000 That's the latest move?

02:30:06.000 He's on The Office, right?

02:30:07.000 James Franco?

02:30:07.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:30:08.000 Good guy.

02:30:09.000 Oh, he's a poet, Craig Anthony.

02:30:10.000 You're thinking of a poet.

02:30:11.000 That's what it is.

02:30:12.000 Yeah, Craig Robinson.

02:30:13.000 Sorry, Craig.

02:30:14.000 Craig's hilarious.

02:30:15.000 And he's a really good pool player, too, apparently.

02:30:18.000 Vinny Favrito can play, too.

02:30:19.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:30:20.000 Allegedly.

02:30:20.000 I've never seen him, but I've heard he plays really good.

02:30:22.000 Tried to hustle me.

02:30:23.000 Oh!

02:30:25.000 Too slick.

02:30:26.000 No way.

02:30:26.000 I'm not going to hustle Domorrera.

02:30:28.000 It can't fucking happen.

02:30:29.000 You don't have a gambling issue, do you?

02:30:31.000 I love to gamble, but I don't gamble much money.

02:30:33.000 I love gambling on football.

02:30:35.000 Yeah.

02:30:35.000 It's fun.

02:30:36.000 The juice of it is a riot.

02:30:39.000 Just adding a little spark to the game.

02:30:40.000 Yeah, and I'm talking like 50 bucks.

02:30:42.000 Nothing that I'm...

02:30:44.000 Yeah, I think that should be legal, man.

02:30:45.000 Oh, it's so stupid.

02:30:46.000 It bums me out that that's not.

02:30:47.000 I feel like you should be able to bet at any corner.

02:30:50.000 You know, there should be some sort of a way that you could...

02:30:54.000 You know, like, fucking regulate how it gets taxed or, you know, where we can all meet and gamble on things.

02:31:01.000 We should be able to bet against each other.

02:31:03.000 We should be able to put our money jointly into something and it gets deposited into either one of our accounts if we win.

02:31:08.000 And the government takes a little piece off the top to make sure it gets taxed.

02:31:11.000 And that's it.

02:31:12.000 Let people gamble.

02:31:13.000 You go to any police station and they have football pools.

02:31:15.000 Yeah.

02:31:16.000 Why not?

02:31:17.000 What's wrong with that?

02:31:18.000 Nothing.

02:31:19.000 And they shouldn't get in trouble for that either.

02:31:20.000 It's fucking ridiculous.

02:31:25.000 I'm telling Brian Dunning that I'm doing a podcast.

02:31:28.000 Oh, is he here right now?

02:31:29.000 Yeah.

02:31:31.000 Anyway, that's it, Don Marrero.

02:31:33.000 That's it?

02:31:33.000 We've got to wrap this bitch up.

02:31:35.000 It was fun, man.

02:31:36.000 It's always fun.

02:31:36.000 You're my brother.

02:31:38.000 We've been friends a long fucking time, pal.

02:31:39.000 I know.

02:31:40.000 I love that.

02:31:40.000 It's a great history.

02:31:41.000 Yeah, it's been a lot of fun.

02:31:42.000 We've had some good times.

02:31:43.000 I still think I could beat you in a fight.

02:31:45.000 I know you do, but that's because you're on Xanax.

02:31:48.000 And I wouldn't even fight back because I'm on pot.

02:31:53.000 I love you, buddy.

02:31:54.000 Love you, Joe.

02:31:54.000 Thanks for having me on.

02:31:55.000 If you're around next Wednesday, we're doing an Ice House show.

02:31:58.000 I'm in Knoxville.

02:32:01.000 Knoxville, Tennessee.

02:32:02.000 Boom.

02:32:03.000 Anything you ever want me to tweet, brother, you know it.

02:32:04.000 I appreciate it.

02:32:05.000 My friends love you.

02:32:06.000 The comedy people love you, the people that get a hold of me on Twitter, they're huge fans of Dom Herrera.

02:32:12.000 And one of the things they love most about the podcast is being introduced to all these great comedians, whether it's Joey or Ari or you.

02:32:18.000 So it helps everybody.

02:32:20.000 So I'm more than happy to do it, my brother.

02:32:22.000 Thanks, Joe.

02:32:23.000 I'll talk to you.

02:32:23.000 Dom Irera on Twitter.

02:32:25.000 The two R's.

02:32:26.000 I-double-R-E-R-A. This is Dom Irera with one R. You fuck.

02:32:31.000 You fucking fraud.

02:32:33.000 There must be a guy who's...

02:32:34.000 Mr. Irene.

02:32:35.000 If there isn't a fake Dom Irera, they already put it together.

02:32:38.000 Thanks to Squarespace, go to squarespace.com, enter in the code JOE and the number 1, that's JOE and the number 1, to save yourself some money.

02:32:48.000 And if you want to enter into the podcast sponsorship slash...

02:32:55.000 Squarespace contest, we will pick four winners that have designed the most beautiful website, and Squarespace will give these winners a free year of Squarespace, and we'll send these winners a swag bag with items like an Apple keyboard, a t-shirt,

02:33:11.000 a moleskin, and more.

02:33:12.000 You know what, fucking, I'm going to throw in a Higher Prime 8 t-shirt.

02:33:15.000 How about that?

02:33:16.000 How about that?

02:33:16.000 You get a free Higher Primate t-shirt.

02:33:18.000 I saw a lot of those in Texas, man.

02:33:19.000 I'm just doing that because I'm nice.

02:33:21.000 Okay, I just made it up on the spot.

02:33:22.000 Tweet those ideas by this January the 17th to hashtag JRESquarespace.

02:33:29.000 And the Higher Primate t-shirt, you'll be able to choose whichever one you want.

02:33:32.000 I just made it up right there.

02:33:33.000 How do you like that?

02:33:33.000 That's how I roll, Dom Herrera.

02:33:34.000 When I'm with you, I get inspired.

02:33:37.000 I've never seen you roll.

02:33:38.000 I run with things.

02:33:40.000 Ting, thank you also to Ting for sponsoring our podcast.

02:33:44.000 Hugely happy with this as a sponsor.

02:33:46.000 And nothing but positive results.

02:33:47.000 Rogan.ting.com.

02:33:49.000 Go there and save $25 off your first Ting device when you sign up, you fucking freaks.

02:33:55.000 We're also brought to you by Onnit.

02:33:57.000 That's O-N-N-I-T. Use the code name Rogan and save 10% off any and all supplements.

02:34:03.000 Much love, you dirty fucks, and we will see you in about 15 minutes with Brian Dunning.

02:34:08.000 Big kiss.

02:34:08.000 Mwah!

02:34:18.000 Thank you.

The Joe Rogan Experience - January 14, 2014

Joe Rogan Experience #440 - Dom Irrera

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