You can get divorced at home while jerking off, and no one can stop you. Ari talks about it on this week's episode of Sweet Bitches Eating Naturebox. This episode is brought to you by LegalZoom, a way, a convenient way, to deal with a lot of your legal shit that you would normally have to go to a lawyer. You don t have to worry about pulling your cock out at the lawyer s office. You can deal with it online, naked, and do whatever the hell you want in the virtual world. And if you don t like paying your wife divorce money, but you wanted to jerk off as you signed the check, you can jerk off while you're at home, no one would be a fly on the wall about it. And you can get a will for $69, incorporate or form an LLC for $99, starting at $99. And 9 out of 10 customers once you re at an LLC you can do whatever you want to the environment. No one can sue you because you are a limited liability company. And if they can't see you, they can t do anything they want to do to you, you just call the lawyer and they'll just let you do it on their time. Use the code "Rogan" at checkout and you get a discount! Use code: Rogan at checkout for 20% off your first bill! and you ll get 20% all year long! We're also getting 10% off of your first month with code ROGAN at checkout, and you'll get $10 off your next bill! Use code "UNDERSTANDING" and get 15% off for the rest of the month, plus free shipping, free shipping and a free shipping. We'll send you a bunch of snacks from Naturebox, and free shipping all year, plus an extra $5 off of the first month! You get free shipping when you sign up for the deal, and a FREE shipping on your first purchase, plus you get an ad-free version of the entire month of the podcast, plus I'll get a $5 promo code, and an additional $10 discount when you enter the referral code, you get $5 and get $25 in the referral box at checkout. I'm eating Naturebox and get 10% OFF your first week of the deal! I'll be back next month, and I'll also be getting a discount on my next month.
00:00:41.000You have ultimate freedom because this all exists in the virtual world.
00:00:44.000You don't have to worry about pulling your cock out at the lawyer's office.
00:00:48.000Like, what if you were cool with paying your wife divorce money, but you wanted to jerk off as you signed the check?
00:00:53.000Yeah, just to remind yourself of what a pathetic fucking fool you are.
00:00:56.000You get trapped in these terrible relationships that you wind up being financially committed to these people that you really never got along with ever for the rest of your fucking life.
00:01:04.000And so as you're writing that down, you just jerk off all over his desk.
00:09:22.000Also for educating your body to work as one unit, carrying a heavy kettlebell and doing things like cleans and presses and things along those lines.
00:09:31.000But it's also, they're great for regular life.
00:09:34.000They're great for just being able to pick up a couch and help move it.
00:09:38.000It's better to have a body that works a little better, a body that can be strong, a body that doesn't break when you try to bring home groceries.
00:13:17.000And you see them taking whatever and you're like, oh, oh.
00:13:21.000It's also, I don't think we can imagine what it's like to be that famous.
00:13:25.000I think for some people, it's just, and then you get hooked up with the wrong people in your life and you're fucking around with the wrong friends and getting in trouble.
00:13:39.000Well, the nature of the business, like if you're a person who's in the limelight that heavily, like the nature of the business becomes very bizarre.
00:13:49.000You know, the nature of your reality, you're getting around.
00:13:52.000Yeah, everyone treats you like a commodity.
00:13:54.000We were talking about Justin Bieber, like how Justin Bieber, the kid's like, everywhere he goes, people fucking freak out just to see him.
00:14:06.000Sort of, in a way, I mean, it's not an ideal way to live.
00:14:09.000It seems awesome, like, don't feel bad, he's got all this money, but it's a crazy, like, burden to throw on somebody.
00:14:16.000Brent Tobler told me he got into an elevator with Jessica Simpson, and she turns to the woman she's with us and goes, he's not supposed to be in here.
00:14:54.000And a guy who knows that he could probably physically take advantage of her and can't believe that he's in her presence in a trapped environment like an elevator.
00:21:17.000You know, as you see more and more instances of people that get that super stratosphere of fame and more and more Michael Jackson's, you know.
00:21:26.000Michael Jackson, to me, is the most fascinating character study ever.
00:21:31.000On human beings that I've ever witnessed because I think he is...
00:21:38.000Well, I guess sort of, but not really.
00:21:39.000Well, he kind of did and then didn't and, you know, he's sort of still in the mix because people didn't want to believe that he was a child molester.
00:23:23.000This is that guy that's saying that Michael Jackson molested him when he was a kid, and now he's trying to get money out of this state, and the state's saying, you waited too long, too bad.
00:28:33.000Yeah, there's sort of a genuine, grounded quality.
00:28:36.000A lot of hard-working people, a lot of people that have worked on farms, a lot of people that have families that worked on farms, people that came over here, their relatives came over here a long-ass time ago.
00:28:46.000You know what I saw there once, though?
00:28:47.000I saw, it was one of the early days I went there with you.
00:28:50.000And there was this, they put us into like a VIP area, those nightclubs.
00:28:55.000And some girl was flirting and then she came in and sat with us.
00:29:00.000I was like, yeah, sure, yes, come on in.
00:29:02.000And then as soon as she went in, some girl behind the rope bumped her and she just gave her this look like, excuse me, you need to keep out of here.
00:30:37.000If you see a guy texting, that's dangerous.
00:30:40.000If you see a guy and his van looks like Cheech and Chong, that guy's probably driving really fucking slow as the smoke leaves his cracked window.
00:30:50.000That guy's going to be, he's probably going to be really scared to merge, but other than that...
00:30:53.000In Maryland, I couldn't figure it out.
00:30:55.000Even with my friend, we wanted to smoke pot, but we couldn't do it at each other's parents' house.
00:35:03.000I did the same thing on a plate of spaghetti.
00:35:04.000I took like a whole teaspoon, ate one bite, fought on the ground for a while, dumped the whole thing back into the whole tub of spaghetti, and then all that was hot.
00:35:12.000I didn't think that it was just habanero.
00:38:41.000They like to sit around cigars and smoke with a bunch of guys.
00:38:43.000Now it's really weird because all the comics are using these things, so you just see circles of people using these fake electronic hookahs.
00:42:55.000We're so concerned with what kind of clothes we wear.
00:42:58.000People who are really into style, they're always annoying.
00:43:03.000They're almost always annoying when they start talking to you about, this is Gucci, this is Fendi, this is Ralph Lauren.
00:43:11.000My artist friend told me that there's all these older artists and they're getting a little successful and they have sleeves, but they're like, oh, I only wear these type of shoes.
00:43:17.000There's nothing wrong with being into clothes.
00:44:27.000You have to wear that weird stupid outfit that you wear with these stiff corners, these sharp edges and a tie around your neck and cufflinks that are so fucking stupid you have to stick some metal extraneous pieces in there and tighten up.
00:46:50.000So if you haven't personally experienced it, it's hard to try to put into context what they're saying, like how they're describing something.
00:47:00.000So one of these days I'll have to do it.
00:47:01.000But the DMT flash, everybody that I've talked to or I've tried to piece together what they say about their experiences, It all seems like we're all talking about a similar place.
00:47:14.000But it's hard to, it's so wanky that it's hard to put into, like, any context in the real world.
00:47:23.000So the words that you use are all the wrong words.
00:47:25.000That's what I'm talking about, talking about God and the voice of God.
00:47:31.000There's nothing that we can comprehend.
00:47:32.000If it isn't, you know, when you do that, if it isn't you actually communicating with something, if it's all happening inside your head and it's all imaginary, god damn, your brain has some untapped potential.
00:47:45.000Because if that's in there, if that really is just our collective minds or really is just the depth of the potential of human thought and your ability to hallucinate or imagine things or your imagination in itself, the We're good to go.
00:48:53.000Well, I'm sure we can make that happen.
00:48:56.000If you were willing to sign a few pieces of paper for the government and participate in this study, you should get in on the Rick Strassman studies.
00:51:48.000But you know, like when you're older, you kind of have like in the back of your head like, oh, you know, what if I'm having a heart attack because I'm 40?
00:51:54.000Because I want to recommend it to somebody that's never done it the same way.
00:51:58.000Just tell them that's a ridiculous notion.
00:52:01.000She's never done anything like that before.
00:52:46.000Yeah, I think anything you do, whether it's mushrooms or smoke pot.
00:52:51.000I was having a conversation with a buddy of mine last night about a friend of ours, and we were talking about how this dude could benefit from weed.
00:52:59.000This is why he does this, because he doesn't smoke pot, so he doesn't have that paranoid, introspective thing that you get when you smoke weed.
00:53:08.000You start really examining yourself in uncomfortable lights.
00:53:12.000A lot of people who don't smoke weed who need to, that's like the quality that they're lacking.
00:54:04.000Um, he just knows how to make a movie that, like, it's different.
00:54:09.000Like, he'll do things like, like, there's a part when Leonardo DiCaprio, like, you know, everyone's moving and talking, and they just stop talking, but there, there's no sound coming out, but he's walking towards the camera looking at you.
00:54:21.000They've essentially completely cut out the sound of all the other people and he's talking to you.
00:54:24.000It's like these weird little things that he does.
00:54:27.000Like there's the chaos of the trading room floor.
00:54:29.000And as Leonardo DiCaprio walks through it, there's no sound, just him talking.
00:54:34.000He's explaining his life and the world that he lifted.
00:54:36.000That's directorial shit that the director does.
00:54:37.000He's saying something about something.
00:54:44.000He said he had this shot in Taxi Driver.
00:54:48.000Where it's when you see a guy walking towards the camera, a character walking towards the camera, and then you see another angle cut right from there to the camera moving towards something.
00:54:57.000That's the point of view of the guy we just saw.
00:57:08.000If I beat off seven times in a day, with the things that I need to think of in order to come after times five and six, the madness, the fucking crazy, Savage jeans that I have to tap into to get my last load off.
00:57:23.000You should start off slow to give yourself more room.
01:02:23.000Ray Romano was booked for the pilot, and he was working, but they decided somewhere in the middle of Ray's thing...
01:02:30.000They weren't happy with what's happening.
01:02:31.000I don't know if they weren't happy with him, or they decided to go a different way with the character, and he was right for their original idea.
01:02:38.000In the beginning, when they're coming up with ideas, and they're throwing the ideas around for a pilot, it's not uncommon for them to change a character.
01:02:48.000They decide they need a different dynamic.
01:02:50.000They have all these different dynamics, and Rey was more of a laid-back...
01:10:24.000I think we're uniquely fortunate in being stand-up comedians.
01:10:29.000We're forced to look at ourselves all the time.
01:10:32.000And I think if you want to think about someone who gets pushed into these weird boxes of power, you know, power that's sort of unnatural, you know, power that like...
01:10:44.000Really, it doesn't exist anywhere in the natural world where someone is more famous than other people, so everyone around them is terrified of them.
01:10:55.000And so what they do is they just have these situations where they have a show and throw soda at the fucking guy who's running the show.
01:11:05.000We were talking about one of those Grace Under Fire, Brent Butler, apparently.
01:11:12.000She only threw a coke in the face of the dude who was doing Grace Under Fire.
01:13:19.000It ruined my whole entire set because she was just fucking sitting there the whole time and I'm just like, alright, I couldn't take it anymore.
01:13:42.000Like, people would say, like, I would do, like, a show and someone would heckle, and it would go so well, people would say, was that planned?
01:13:50.000Like, no, where'd you come up with all that stuff?
01:13:52.000Like, when you start out at the comedy store, you go to war every week.
01:13:56.000Not only is it not police, even when you come off and there's been a horrible heckler the whole time, no one then goes to the door guy and goes, oh, you should throw somebody out.
01:14:02.000They just moan about it in the back to themselves.
01:15:44.000Hey, we're thinking about going on a boat to a place that we can't really describe because, you know, we don't have any photos or anything because they haven't invented cameras yet.
01:16:09.000You don't want them to get eaten, otherwise you can't spread your seed across the country.
01:16:12.000Wait, so when did we make enemies with the Indians?
01:16:14.000Why did they attack and just steal the women and stuff?
01:16:17.000Listen, everybody that lands in a country and invades a country is an attacker.
01:16:22.000You know, you might not think of yourself as an attacker, you think of yourself as a colonist, but you're an attacker if you run into people that were already there.
01:16:36.000Yeah, and if you show any aggression to them, and you're taking food out of their children's mouths.
01:16:41.000We've got to get these things out of here.
01:16:42.000Yeah, and then there was also the fucking treaties that were broken and all the horrific crimes that they fucking...
01:16:49.000Here's some smallpox blankets for you.
01:16:51.000Yeah, all the horrific crimes that were perpetrated on the American Indy.
01:16:55.000I mean, God, you start and hear those stories and think about it, and you hear about the slaughters and the fucking mass genocide and just the numbers.
01:26:15.000I don't want to comment on it until we actually pull the video up because I would like you to hear it from him first before we even comment on it.
01:26:23.000Because it's an important subject for guys like Ari and I as comics...
01:26:29.000There's like some shit that they're trying to attach to this.
01:28:48.000They went off on that and said that, see, it shows that he's, like, racist.
01:28:52.000Well, I saw people, I saw a video, I don't even want to bring it up, I don't even want to pull the video up because I don't want to watch it again because it was so annoying, of people that were taking that and saying that that's a problem.
01:29:25.000I mean, if I watch a show with all Koreans in it, I don't get upset that there's no white people.
01:29:31.000People say that, well, you know what, that's just because you're white and you're privileged and white people have the advantage.
01:29:37.000There's an overall problem maybe of not using enough black people and not using enough people of color, but that's not each individual shoot's problem.
01:29:44.000Well, it's not the best thing about this world that there's racism.
01:29:53.000It's not the best thing about our culture that we aren't equally represented in the media.
01:29:58.000It's not the best thing when you have to factor in populations, you have to factor in...
01:30:04.000How long these people have been in the business?
01:30:07.000How long these people have been in the business?
01:30:08.000There's a lot of shit going on when you talk about putting a fucking show on television.
01:30:12.000A lot of people think that once someone gets into a position where they have a successful show, then on top of having to create that show, they also have an obligation to be diverse because they're representing America.
01:30:22.000And they're supposed to give Opportunities to an equal percentage of the population.
01:30:28.000They're trying to get me to do that for that storyteller show.
01:31:00.000Things that you think are interesting.
01:31:01.000But I know you, so I know if you find a woman who's a gay, black, There's also not that many black cameras at the clubs.
01:31:10.000Seven foot tall woman, and she's really funny, you'll fucking love her, and you'll start talking about how great she is.
01:31:15.000If she's a five foot nine white girl, you know, who's really cute, but she's really hilarious, you'll say she's really hilarious.
01:31:22.000I know you don't give a shit about anything not funny, so it's one of the reasons why I wanted to play this when you're here, because it's like, they're tricking him.
01:34:41.000I like the part where Michael Cera got stabbed by a thing, and he's like, somebody took my cell phone, and I start bringing his back pocket, and he's like, oh, that's really embarrassing.
01:35:44.000You know, the other argument would be that he just doesn't hang out in those cliques, so he doesn't know these funny women, and it would benefit everybody if he got to know them and had them on.
01:35:53.000I could see that argument maybe if there was like a pool of talent that you knew that was like really fucking crackling that you wanted to have on your show.
01:36:01.000But at the end of the day, it's who he wants to talk to.
01:36:04.000Like when people say to me, like, why did you have a Bigfoot expert on?
01:36:07.000Because I want to fucking talk to a Bigfoot expert.
01:36:09.000You know, why do you have a bow hunting expert on?
01:36:12.000Because I want to talk to a bowhunting expert.
01:36:15.000You don't have to listen, you know, but if you want to, I will do my best to try to make it entertaining and I will try to ask the questions that I have.
01:36:23.000I will try to explore as objectively and thoroughly as possible my perspective and my point of view.
01:36:30.000So, I mean, somebody asked me the other day, like, how many gay people we had on.
01:36:33.000Well, I don't know, like three or four or something like that, like maybe.
01:39:36.000What I want to see is if it's not such an innocuous joke, if it actually is a borderline rape or murder or pedophile joke where it's not completely nothing and it's not a cute woman doing the non-apology.
01:39:47.000I want to see how people get that or if people like Chris Rock are going to puss out again like he did Tracy Morgan and just do a 180 and go from like, no, he can say whatever he wants to, well, alright, you go too far sometimes.
01:42:05.000I wonder what tricks he must have developed to get the crowd.
01:42:08.000He must have developed certain things in order to get them to gather around.
01:42:12.000I think he would just call them around, and he looks like a guy who'd be fun to listen to talk, so people slow down.
01:42:18.000Some folks are in a hurry and some folks aren't, and the ones that aren't, they circle them, and then he'll do a little five-minute comedy show and then pass a hat around.
01:42:31.000He was awesome at being hilarious to a bunch of people off the cuff.
01:42:35.000He had material that he would do, but he would also be off the cuff funny, and he would gather people around, and then he would hand out the hat, pass out the hat.
01:42:41.000And that's how he would make some money.
01:42:43.000And he became famous doing comedy, did a lot of stand-up, people loved him on stage, and then he got an audition for Saturday Night Live.
01:42:52.000And apparently the word was that he got the part, but he couldn't read.
01:42:56.000So since he couldn't read scripts, they couldn't hire him.
01:42:58.000It's tough to work in that environment without being able to read.
01:43:01.000Yeah, and apparently he had a problem with intravenous drugs.
01:45:25.000My uncle was an artist, and he worked for the advertising agency that created the album covers and the album art.
01:45:32.000It was back when they had, you know, they were artwork.
01:45:35.000I mean, the album would open up, especially two discs, like Kiss Alive 2, would have two records in it, and it would open up, and there's all these images, and advertising guys would put together these albums.
01:45:48.000They made the artwork, so they hired artists, graphic artists, to create these things.
01:50:28.000He had another older manager that wasn't giving him such great advice.
01:50:32.000And they're about to get him to make a terrible...
01:50:35.000Well, they had said a lot of shitty things to him.
01:50:36.000One of the things they said, no one would ever believe this if you never worked in Hollywood, but there was a guy that was working with him before that actually told him to not lose weight.
01:51:38.000But when a guy tells you shit like that, like you lose weight, you're losing rolls, you're like giving a guy a green light to just eat whatever the fuck he wants.
01:55:26.000I've had a chance to do some shows with him lately, too.
01:55:29.000And you could see him just really enjoying this.
01:55:32.000Having done all these movies and all these TV shows that he didn't really necessarily enjoy because he thought he was supposed to be an actor.
01:55:39.000And then seeing him just murdering with his own silly goose style of comedy because he's so silly, you know?
01:55:45.000It's really fucking great to see, man.
01:58:16.000Did you see that video of a comedian in Tennessee that there was like a group in the front row that were like wrestlers and stuff like that, like these big guys?
01:58:23.000They start heckling and then the guy gets on stage and racks him right in the balls.
02:00:06.000They don't want to deal with that shit at all.
02:00:10.000People who don't respect professional wrestling, you might not enjoy it as a form of entertainment, but you better respect how hard it is to do.
02:00:19.000Piper came to the store the other day.
02:00:21.000Those guys fucking, they sacrificed every part of their body.
02:04:40.000Yeah, he was getting super angry and loud because the guy behind him was loud.
02:04:44.000Like, it was more about him than it was even about the show.
02:04:49.000Like, Even though there was like 300 people there for this show, I understand that this guy is being a dick, but his yelling made it way crazier for everybody else.
02:07:26.000I like when Bobby lies, and then when you both, when you say, no, you're wrong, and somebody else says you're wrong, he'll go, okay, all right.
02:07:32.000It was really cool, because I've heard that story so many times, but never actually seen, like, a Natasha around there.
02:09:22.000They were bugging whatever building he was working at, government building he was working at.
02:09:27.000What people don't realize is, the Soviet Union, like during the Cold War, like during the advancement of their rocket program along with our rocket program, they got the first fucking guy in orbit, man.
02:09:38.000I mean, they were incredibly advanced.
02:09:41.000And you think that's one of the reasons we made up the moon landing?
02:09:44.000Well, I don't think we made up the moon landing.
02:10:10.000But the odds of that being true, it's so small.
02:10:14.000It's like, I don't know what happened, but if I had to guess what happened, I would say they went to the moon.
02:10:19.000And I would say, when you look at some of the photos that look like they're staged, and the fact that all of them were centered, there very well could have been some counterfeit photos.
02:10:27.000They definitely did a little bit of that back then in NASA. There was a photo from Gemini.
02:10:32.000I believe it was Gemini 15. It was Michael Collins.
02:10:35.000And they took a photo of him in training with these wires and this harness on.
02:10:39.000And then they blacked out all the wires in the background and then used the same photo and said that he was in space.
02:11:11.000Yeah, for publicity and to make sure that they got a record of it.
02:11:14.000John Kerry showed those pictures of Syria of all the dead bodies and it was from like five years ago.
02:11:19.000Dude, my favorite quote though is Clinton's quote about it.
02:11:22.000Clinton talked about when he was a kid, he was working for a carpenter and the guy said that he didn't believe anything on television, that those television fellers can put things on TV and make you think it's real.
02:11:35.000And he said, back then I thought that guy was a quack, or a crank, but during my eight years in the White House, I saw things that made me think that maybe he was ahead of his time.
02:11:57.000Well, if it really was fake, which again, I don't necessarily think it was.
02:12:00.000I think it's more likely that there's some fuckery involved in some of the evidence because they were trying to create things that were used for publicity.
02:12:11.000There's some video that looks really fucking hokey.
02:12:14.000There's this video of them jumping around like they're on trampolines when they're on the moon.
02:12:19.000It's really weird stuff because there's no consistency in the way they move.
02:12:25.000If you watch the earliest video from Apollo 11, when they're walking on the moon, you watch their movement, and then watch the later stuff, it's like they move a little differently.
02:16:19.000But I don't want you being my boyfriend.
02:16:21.000I don't want you You can't sleep over, and don't ever fucking tell me what to do, okay?
02:16:25.000But, if you want no strings attached, come over and fuck me, I'll suck your dick, and we'll have a good time, and then when we're done, you leave.
02:16:32.000You'd be like, okay, I'll do it for you.
02:16:42.000You know, I was having this discussion with one of my wife's friends who happens to be gay.
02:16:49.000And they were talking about the difference between two gay guys hooking up, gay guys meeting and hooking up, and a guy and a girl meeting and hooking up.
02:16:59.000A guy and a girl trying to figure out how much yen are we going to have in this, how much yen.
02:17:03.000Yeah, they're all fighting for a position.
02:18:04.000Any of us that are involved in altercations, so much of it is both people's responsibility.
02:18:12.000There's a dance going on when two people are communicating with each other, and a lot of times we're shitty dance partners.
02:18:16.000Yeah, sometimes I feel like telling people, like, look, it's nobody's fault, but you guys are never going to work because you just entered into this too much.
02:21:45.000It's like, you didn't have to say that.
02:21:47.000Oh, the people at the comedy show, yeah.
02:21:49.000Yeah, well, you know, the only way to know that you shouldn't go too far is to see the results of going too far, either by yourself or other people.
02:21:57.000I told Fitzsimmons that when he gets into those articles, I'm like, Greg, you could have just walked away.
02:22:04.000When I did Doug Loves Movies in San Diego, it was me and Greg Fitzsimmons, and he took it as a game, and he thought I wasn't taking it serious enough.
02:22:12.000He could tell immediately, like, no, man, we're in a game right now.
02:23:25.000I mean, not Eddie Ift, but Chris Wilde.
02:23:27.000Tony was on the show also with this guy.
02:23:29.000Didn't know him, just thought he was a friend of his.
02:23:32.000I guess what happened is like the wild guy was like kind of mad that Tony didn't know who he was or kind of like upset or something and then they kind of went back and forth on the show But now, I guess he's just, Chris Wilde won't let it drop and has been tweeting things to Tony and stuff.
02:23:48.000I don't know if you know Chris Wilde or not.
02:26:34.000If I was in Boston and I knew I could fly up and just check out the desk where Stephen King wrote The Shining, oh fuck yeah, I would look at that thing.
02:26:59.000Wow, he just jumped up so many cool points.
02:27:01.000Stephen King would smoke cigarettes, do massive amounts of coke, and drink beer.
02:27:05.000And he would drink like 16, 17 beers a night, and just write until he blacked out, and then fall asleep, and then get up in the morning and coke it up, and just do it again.
02:27:21.000I mean, I'm sure there were some analogies in there somewhere between a lot of his demons and the actual demons he was experiencing by being an addict.
02:27:29.000But he was getting addicted to cocaine.
02:27:30.000I heard his on writing or whatever the book is.
02:29:59.000He just starts writing, almost like goes into this crazy trance and constructs this world, and then you get sucked into it, and then you read it after he's done with it, and you're like, holy shit.
02:30:10.000You know, he just brings it out of nowhere.
02:30:51.000Do you, like, say, I want to write a joke about driving a car?
02:30:55.000No, I'll toss things over my head, I'll write a note in my notebook, and then when I look to see what jokes I should do on stage tonight or whatever, I'll keep passing that note and I'll keep thinking about it.
02:31:04.000And then when I'm driving or when I'm on the subway, I'll keep thinking over it and then I'll just do it on stage.
02:31:09.000So you don't actually sit in front of the computer?
02:32:14.000Yeah, because I give myself more paths.
02:32:17.000Like, say if you're talking about lava lamps, whatever, and you're going on a lava lamp path.
02:32:23.000While you're on that path and you're writing it out, instead of just thinking about it in your head, when you're forced to actually mash those keys and form a sentence in the correct way, like you're gonna read it to somebody.
02:33:57.000It's one of the beautiful things about the internet and one of the annoying things about the internet is that even people that are not thoughtful, that are all fucked up and really hypercritical and annoying and not rational about it,
02:34:50.000I have real health problems, the stress of this.
02:34:54.000When you start looking for that shit and reading that shit and getting into that shit, it can fuck with your head, man.
02:35:00.000If you do something that people don't like and they all start attacking you for it, attacking you as a human being and trying to hurt your feelings, there's not just one, there's like 20 of them in a day.
02:35:52.000Well, because I was worried that someone would say, the only worry, it was like someone was going to say like, oh, this is just lazy because you didn't want to do another podcast episode this week.
02:37:11.000I'll write some good ideas that'll work the first time I get on stage, But they get better when you do them in front of an audience and you figure them out.
02:39:01.000It was almost like a dilapidated house.
02:39:03.000You're like, I've done some work on it now.
02:39:05.000Sometimes when I'm in a bit that's not really working, I try to think of myself, like when I'm writing especially, I try to think of myself as instead of making a bit, instead of trying to turn it and figure out a way to make a bit, just figure out a way to just express what's going on and what you're talking about.
02:40:29.000When he would, like, really do his dad getting exasperated, he would lift his hand all the way up over his head, like, why are you doing this?
02:40:58.000You know what I'm talking about when you're in the middle of a bit and you're really working it and you're like, oh my god, I can't even get out of this bit.
02:41:03.000Yeah, it's usually the dolphin one when people start talking like women get disgusted about it or something.
02:41:23.000Once you start when you realize the whole crowd is not that into it, you're like, oh, I really should have stopped.
02:41:27.000Well, I found a way out of it, though, lately.
02:41:29.000Yeah, that's sometimes an important part of, like, not doing well with a bit, too, is that it shows other paths.
02:41:35.000Yeah, well, also, I like doing it for crowds.
02:41:37.000I like doing bits for crowds, a mix between either putting on the best show or doing bits that I think this crowd won't like to see if I can make it work here.
02:41:45.000If it's a real dark joke and there's a real conservative crowd, I could do my more conservative jokes, but I'd sort of rather work on this in front of these people, work on this really harsh thing in front of these people.
02:41:54.000That's why I like going to Australia and Switzerland and Amsterdam doing shows in other countries.
02:41:58.000I want to know what parts of these really work in different environments.
02:42:02.000And Comedy on State has a Thursday night college night, so it's all college students.
02:42:12.000College kids are a different thing, man.
02:42:14.000Because when you do, like, colleges, one of the things that you realize, like, almost immediately, is how little experience a lot of them have in life.
02:42:20.000Like, a lot of them are coming from their parents' houses, from protected environments of their home, to a dorm, with a bunch of savage, hormonally-charged teenagers.
02:42:31.000Sticking things inside their bodies all day, whether it's needles or dicks or just fucking and doing drugs and getting crazy.
02:44:06.000Oh, right, because you're just comfortable.
02:44:07.000A girlfriend, when I was a teenager, we met when I was 25, and we went on a date in New York and had a good time and went back and got a little of that in there.
02:44:14.000And I was like, wow, maybe she's the one.
02:44:25.000When you're young and single and you try to hang out for a weekend with someone that you barely know, and a day in where you're like, will you shut the fuck up?
02:44:34.000What kind of craziness are you talking?
02:44:37.000And you realize what kind of nonsense people talk amongst their friends and you're stuck in the middle of it.
02:46:22.000When you find people, they get together and they get married real early.
02:46:25.000But when people get older, instead of playing musical chairs, just grabbing onto the first chair and hanging on, and you get something like a Tinder or one of those little dating websites.
02:46:34.000You can just meet a bunch of new people and then find who you actually like, and then you realize they're just meeting a bunch of people too, and everybody's just meeting, and it's easy to meet people.
02:50:35.000There's all this shit to be worried about in this world, you know?
02:50:38.000That weird thing where people get mad at other people for being successful, or get mad at other people for winning an award, or get mad at other people for producing something when you haven't produced something.
02:50:47.000Yeah, I said, if you want to piss a comic off oddly, tell him he's your second favorite comic.
02:52:33.000They had a vaccination for Lyme disease, but for a small percentage of the population that had a particular gene set up, they would get Lyme disease from the vaccination.
02:53:40.000I think, well, also, I think people until today, until this year, people have been, I mean, until, you know, this age, I should say, the age of the internet, people have been able to get away with shit and not get in trouble with it and not have the word spread across the country, like, instantaneous.
02:53:54.000Yeah, with Ronald Reagan, I have no recollection of that.
02:57:44.000Alright, so we will see you guys tomorrow with Campbell McLaren.
02:57:47.000Campbell McLaren is the man who hired me for the very first UFC that I did, which was UFC 12 in Dothan, Alabama in 1997. And he was there from the very beginning.