In this episode of the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast, I talk about the new logo I made for the podcast, and how much better it is than the old one. I also talk about a new drug I'm taking, and why you should not be a chemist. And of course, I answer your burning questions. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace, the platform that allows a dummy like you or me to make their own professional website. They have beautiful designs for you to start with and all the style options you need to create a unique website for you or your business. They also offer 24-7 support 24/7 support where you can create a clean and simple logo design for yourself, for your business, for anything you're planning on doing, for $10 or more you want to start selling shit online. Onnit is a human optimization website that makes your body and your brain work better. The controversial supplements like Shroom Tech Sport, New Mood, and Onnit Brain are all on Onnit's website. Use the code JOE and you'll save 10% off any and all supplements like Onnit s Alpha's Alpha and get 20% off your first purchase! Use code: JOE and you ll get 10% of your entire purchase. You can find all the cool stuff I mentioned in the episode here: Onnit. I don't even have to pay shipping charges, I just go straight to my website and get free shipping on all my orders. I'm just paypal.me/JoeRoganPODCAST, and I'll send you $10 and get $10 off my first purchase. I'll give you $5 and you get 15% off my entire order, plus I'll throw in an additional $5 when you sign up for an ad discount when you use the promo code joe@joeganexperience.co/joeogan podcasting. Thank you for supporting the podcast! I'll be giving you a discount code: joeoganexperience and you receive $5 or $10, and you can get $25 off my next week for your first month of the podcast. Thank you, Joe Rogan Experience Podcast! JOE ROGAN PODCAST I'll get $5, and $20 off my shirt, $50 off your shirt, and a free shipping discount when I buy a shirt, I'll receive $25 or $50 or more in the next episode.
00:00:34.000They also have a new logo creator where you can create a clean and simple logo design for yourself, for your business, for anything you're planning on doing.
00:00:43.000They have a very simple and easy e-commerce setup.
00:00:46.000Very easy to start selling shit online with Squarespace.
00:00:50.000It's everything that everyone has always wanted in the ease of use in creating a website, but literally never existed before.
00:00:58.000I hate people that correct you when you use the term literally.
00:02:18.000We're also brought to you by Onnit.com.
00:02:20.000That's O-N-N-I-T. If you have never been to Onnit before, Onnit is a human optimization website.
00:02:26.000We basically sell shit that makes your body and your brain work better.
00:02:30.000Whether it's strength and conditioning equipment, like battle ropes and kettlebells, weight vests, ab wheels, medicine balls, things along those lines.
00:02:41.000Or whether it's foods like the new Warrior Bar that we just started selling.
00:02:46.000It's by the same folks that made the Tonka Bar, and what it is is an ancient Native American recipe for a buffalo jerky bar that is very healthy.
00:02:57.000Like, it has no antibiotics, no hormones, gluten-free, no nitrates, no artificial flavors, no artificial colors, and you get 14 grams of protein in every serving.
00:03:36.000Use the code word ROGAN and you'll save 10% off any and all supplements.
00:03:41.000The controversial supplements like Shroom Tech Sport, New Mood, what these are essentially, if you go to any of those various items, any of the various things that we sell, there's a lot of science behind all of the stuff.
00:03:57.000You can find all the research that's behind Onnit's supplements, whether it's AlphaBrain, which we've actually run our own clinical trial results, and those are also posted online.
00:04:08.000It was a double-blind placebo trial on the efficacy of AlphaBrain, and it got positive results.
00:04:14.000And we're in the middle of a second trial now, which is much larger and much more extensive.
00:04:19.000I should also point out that the trial, the positive results, We're exactly half of the dose that I take.
00:06:00.000That photo of Sinatra, that mug shot, he looks better there than I've ever looked in any photo in my life where professionals have taken it and they've taken a thousand photos and they still look like shit.
00:06:11.000Well, did you notice how little he was?
00:08:13.000I remember the first time I got caught speeding, I was 16, and I just didn't have the money, so I thought if I broke down in tears, the cop would...
00:08:23.000I thought, oh my god, I don't have the money.
00:08:47.000I was driving home at 17, which is still not the legal age to drink in Australia.
00:08:54.000And I'm driving home, and I had two beers.
00:08:56.000Now, I would have been under the limit, but still I'm not even allowed to have two beers in me because I'm 17, right?
00:09:01.000I get pulled up, I get breathalyzed, the guy goes, please breathe in the tube, and I said, my brother was a sergeant at that stage, and I was like, oh, you know Danny Nugent?
00:10:21.000And the thing is, for the longest time, my parents were so like, oh, your brother's the cop.
00:10:26.000It was like the most upstanding job you could have in our family.
00:10:30.000And so my brother became a weapons trainer before he was in the SWAT team, so he would learn different holds and restraints and stuff like that.
00:10:35.000There was many a Christmas where I'd stand there, and then my brother would go, yeah, we've been traveling over to America.
00:10:41.000We've learned some new holds from the American cops.
00:10:44.000And we learnt one where we can basically restrain the person until their whole shoulder goes numb and they can't, like this.
00:11:15.000Because my father wasn't much of a physical disciplinarian, my mother was very keen on using my eldest brother as the muscle when we got too big.
00:13:34.000But I've got a story that I don't want to tell in front of my girlfriend because it will upset her because it will make my life a bit harder.
00:13:40.000And I don't want to tell it on any Tonight shows or anything.
00:13:50.000My parents drive to Canberra, where we're at, on the weekend to spend a day with me.
00:13:55.000And it's fair enough, I haven't seen my parents in six months or something.
00:13:57.000So I'm spending time with my mum and dad.
00:13:59.000Now, back in the early 90s, my father was getting closer to retirement, and then he found a credit card bill, because my mother took care of the money, found out that she'd run up.
00:14:29.000So my parents live off that, and then...
00:14:30.000But my father takes care of all the money.
00:14:33.000He pays all the bills, and he balances the books, because my mum can't be trusted when it comes to shopping.
00:14:37.000And so I'm talking to my parents, and my mum goes, all I want is my half of the money, his half of the money, and then he can have his half of the money, we'll split the bills, and then I can do what I want with my money.
00:14:48.000But instead, I'm given an allowance because I'm not responsible enough for money.
00:14:51.000I said, mum, you can't take care of the money, mum.
00:18:09.000That's the brothel I went to when I took my friend with muscular dystrophy to the brothel, which is what my TV show Legit, which is on Wednesdays on FXX at 10pm.
00:22:12.000At one point in time, he was thought of, and it's tough to judge, because you've got to judge it based on the fact that this 1970 and everything from 1970 doesn't hold up.
00:23:04.000He's really a master wordsmith and a master storyteller.
00:23:07.000But it's also, he was dealing mostly at that stage at, oh, I've got a wife and young kids, and this is how it is, and that stuff always sticks around.
00:23:15.000If you're a political guy, it always dates very horrible.
00:23:20.000Or if you're talking about society and how this is fucked up and that is fucked up, that doesn't...
00:23:25.000It's interesting, culturally, to go back and listen to some shit where people were complaining about, you know, like Lenny Bruce has some stuff where he's complaining about politicians.
00:26:45.000Like, his attitude, like, his act was like, uh, he's just real old school in that respect.
00:26:50.000Like, those guys, they thought about, if they did an HBO special, they didn't think, oh, this is just going to get my comedy out to more people, they'll enjoy it, it'll get more people to come see me.
00:27:00.000No, it was like, oh, I'm going to give them my, I'm going to sell my act, and then I can't do my act, and if I can't do my act, I'm losing all that money that I can't do my act.
00:27:07.000I try to do a DVD every sort of 18 months or so, and then I retire the material as soon as I've done it.
00:27:17.000I mean, once the internet came along, I think that's mandatory.
00:27:20.000You know, George Carlin always did it, and then Louis C.K. started doing it and telling people that he did it, and then you start looking around, who are all the people that do it, like Burr does it, you do it, you know, Ari does it.
00:27:31.000It's one of those things now, I think, that kind of everybody does.
00:27:50.000If I can be a guest on a show, like I'm doing Kimmel next week or whatever, that's fine, but I don't want to burn four minutes that I could put onto an actual special.
00:27:58.000Well, not only that, it's not your act.
00:28:01.000Yeah, and I don't translate well over four minutes.
00:28:05.000I feel like the Tonight Show culture in America, the late night show culture in America, fucked up a lot of comedians for a very long time.
00:28:15.000Because they come over to Europe and they look at all the British acts and go, geez, all your stories are so long-winded and all that type of stuff.
00:28:20.000Where everyone over here seemed to, for a very long time, trying to make a snappy five minutes.
00:28:25.000And that's not where it's at in the long term.
00:29:40.000Take a journey back to a gritty world blown apart by excess, success, clashing egos, even death threats, all in the name of stand-up comedy.
00:29:52.000Comedy has become a thriving business as club owners fill their rooms to capacity weekend after weekend.
00:29:58.000It was a really good time to be doing stand-up.
00:30:01.000That was like the beginning of thinking there's a big future in this thing.
00:30:05.000Critics called when stand-up stood out, hugely entertaining and hilarious, and have voted it one of the greatest stand-up movies of all time.
00:31:33.000No one took a photo with me after that or bought any DVDs.
00:31:35.000I was in the middle of having a conversation with Robin Williams at the improv, and I didn't realize it was Robin Williams until halfway into the conversation.
00:31:45.000I thought he was just some dude who came to the show and wanted to talk to me after the show.
00:31:48.000And he's talking to me about the dolphin bit, eating mushrooms or eating pot brownie.
00:31:55.000I went on a boat and I had this life-changing experience in Hawaii playing with dolphins.
00:31:59.000And I'm telling the story on stage and Robin Williams comes up to me and he's talking to me about the bit and we're talking and I'm like, this is just this cool old dude.
00:32:44.000And all the reporters go around and talk to you.
00:32:47.000So there's famous people, and then there's Jennifer Lopez walked in, and then all the famous people were like, wow, there's a real famous person.
00:32:54.000But then I was standing next to Keith Sutherland who looked like he was five foot nothing to me.
00:35:58.000Maybe he was wearing some shit in his shoes, I don't know.
00:36:00.000But I'm 5'8", I don't wear any shit in my shoes, and I wear, I'm standing, like, right next to the guy and he's taller than me.
00:36:07.000I met Ben Kingsley, and he's like the opposite.
00:36:09.000They try to make him look smaller in film.
00:36:12.000He was a reasonable-sized guy, but whenever you see him in film, they try to make him look like a little tiny menacing bloke.
00:36:17.000Well, when Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise did that vampire movie together, Tom Cruise walked on a platform around him, so they were similar heights.
00:36:28.000Everywhere they walked when they were doing the thing, Brad Pitt is essentially walking in a ditch.
00:36:40.000It might be just total Richard Gere gerbil in the ass propaganda.
00:36:43.000Even on my TV show, I found it weird when this season I get to kiss two girls and one girl was like five foot tall and one girl was six foot tall.
00:36:50.000It definitely looks better when you're kissing a six foot tall girl.
00:37:54.000He had it like with a little Velcro strap around his neck.
00:37:56.000He just looked like a schlumpy sort of guy who had to get his flight and he didn't look like a movie star, I'll tell you that much.
00:38:02.000That's a good move in the neck pillow because if you don't want people talking to you, wear a neck pillow because there's that extra step that they have to take.
00:38:10.000Like, is that fucking guy wearing a neck pillow?
00:38:12.000And then they decide not to talk to you because it's kind of sorted out.
00:38:14.000And it looks like you're obviously ready for a sleep so you don't want to be bothered.
00:38:18.000Who bothers someone who wants to sleep?
00:38:40.000They're just trying to find a way to be not rude while they're being rude.
00:38:44.000Yeah, well, they're not even being rude.
00:38:45.000I understand that people want to say hello.
00:38:47.000Especially if they've just seen the show.
00:38:49.000If you're eating and you have a mouthful of food, that's where I draw the line.
00:38:53.000Like, when you're sitting down to eat and you're with your friends and people come over to the table, like, if everybody did that, it would be fucking chaos.
00:38:58.000Like, there's a certain amount of, you know, of privacy that a person should...
00:39:04.000Peace that a person should be able to get.
00:39:07.000And while a person's eating their meal, that's where I draw the line.
00:39:44.000But I'm not at the stage where I can ring a restaurant up and go, Jim Jefferies needs a table and they'll fucking find a table because most of the population doesn't know who I am.
00:39:53.000So I would like that because I'm lazy with my reservations.
00:42:15.000We just wish they could get him to turn over.
00:42:17.000This baby is the shit, and if you switch the sexes, if you had a bunch of dudes with Tarzan loincloth swinging cock, that's baby face height to vagina.
00:42:28.000That baby's dancing around, and the vaginas are right there.
00:42:30.000Also, that's just an ad that's making fun of something.
00:42:36.000But even in real life, I don't know about you, but whenever you hear there's a guy who's been molesting the fucking school, the volleyball team, you always go, that fucking creep.
00:42:48.000But then as soon as you hear there's a female teacher that had sex with a 13-year-old boy, you always go, alright, I'll have to see the photo of this woman first.
00:42:56.000And then if the woman's kind of hot, you're like, alright, I can see where he...
00:43:40.000They can't enjoy it at 13. There's something really creepy about a man fucking a 13-year-old, but if you found out your son got caught, you know, with a teacher, bent over the desk, and he's banging her, you'd fucking be really kind of proud of him.
00:43:57.000It's funny, like Paul Walker, when he died, they found out that he had a girlfriend for like eight years or something.
00:44:07.000And when he started dating her, she was 16 and he was 34. And then on the TV, but then it's like that weird thing that when they're a celebrity, even the Entertainment Tonight were like, but she was very mature and she...
00:45:21.000Look, I have daughters, so the first thing I'm going to say is that this is not something I'm really entertaining, but I hate the idea that if two people really do love each other, and for whatever reason they're perfect together, it can't happen because the guy is 30 and the girl is 16. Come on,
00:48:41.000Trent Phelps, to me, is, if you know, he's the West Borough Baptist Church guy who used to protest Gay people's funerals, soldiers' funerals because he believed the war started because we were too nice to gays.
00:49:00.000I'm an atheist and I'm also a very non-homophobic person in the sense that I wouldn't even care if my son was gay.
00:49:10.000I'm of that opinion when it comes to homosexuals.
00:49:15.000Fred Phelps was possibly the most way-out-there religious person we've had in a very long time, where he actually had decisions like, oh, the war started, must be because of the gays, and then he decided it was gospel, right?
00:55:14.000If someone was running for president and they did Star Search, or Dancing with the Stars, or American Idol, or whatever those fucking shows are, and where America got to vote and they did really well, they'd probably become president.
00:56:27.000They don't like cunty, so they're trying to get rid of bossy, which is a substitute for cunty.
00:56:32.000They're trying to remove themselves from criticism.
00:56:35.000Anybody who's coming up with that, they're either trying to silence free speech, or they're trying to remove what they think is criticism they've faced many times.
00:58:22.000There's just very different characteristics that men have and women have.
00:58:25.000There's very different personalities, almost inherent to having testosterone and a dick that you don't have when you have a vagina.
00:58:31.000Also, with a woman, and this is nothing against women...
00:58:35.000When they have a kid, I'm not saying because they take nine months out of the workplace, although that's probably a problem, but I don't give a fuck.
00:58:42.000When they have a kid, their mind does change a little bit.
00:58:45.000They become less career-driven, a lot of them, not all of them, but they do start going, I want to spend time with this, and then a man has to step up a little bit more and work a bit hard.
00:58:55.000I sometimes begrudge the amount I have to go on the road and be away from my kids so I can support the family.
00:59:04.000I feel like I miss out on something there.
00:59:07.000I'd rather be home all the time with him.
00:59:11.000I think everyone has a role and that everyone's role is different depending on the relationship, depending on where you are in life, depending on everything.
00:59:20.000But the idea that it should be even for men and women is ridiculous.
00:59:24.000The idea that anything should be even is ridiculous.
00:59:27.000The only thing you should ask is for no discrimination.
01:01:06.000They only had little villages and they didn't travel very far.
01:01:09.000It was easy to be a king when the population was 10. LAUGHTER And it was you in the other hut, and you're like, I'm Queen Muvusu or whatever, and fucking you go out with your spear, and you think, I'm the king of this little...
01:01:22.000Because still now, they've got guys that are driving taxis in the UK, who's like, I'm Prince Ado, right?
01:01:29.000And you're like, I'm fourth in line for the throne, because there's so many fucking kings over there.
01:01:34.000That's hilarious, and it's so true if you really stop and think about it.
01:01:37.000Like, The amount of people, that's probably directly in line with what we were talking about when we were talking about being famous.
01:01:44.000That you don't want to be the king of a place that's too big.
01:01:47.000You don't want to be the head of Rome.
01:03:51.000It's a lot of cutting back and forth and all this type of stuff.
01:03:54.000And I remember walking out of the cinema, being bored out of my skull at 15, but then still saying to my friends, like, that was a cool movie, man.
01:04:04.000And then when I heard someone didn't like the film, I was like, you obviously didn't get it.
01:04:09.000You obviously don't get what Jim Morrison has to say.
01:04:12.000And now I watched it as an adult and I enjoyed it more, but my conclusion was that Jim Morrison was a bit of a dick.
01:04:20.000He was definitely a bit of a dick, but he was also a guy, just like we were talking about when we were talking about Lenny Bruce, he was living in a totally different era.
01:04:28.000Breaking out in that era, doing what they were doing was completely radical.
01:04:32.000How many young comedians have you met that think they're like a gym?
01:04:35.000Like, oh yeah, the things I'm saying and the words I'm...
01:04:59.000And I've actually, I like Bill Hicks, but I've gone out of my way not to watch him because I got kind of sick of...
01:05:07.000Anytime you did edgy comedy, you got compared to him, and I thought, if I don't watch him, then you can't compare, because I'm not influenced, so I haven't, you know what I mean?
01:05:26.000That's like, if you have an argument with a woman, and someone says, oh, you hate women, you hate all women, like, You know that easy argument?
01:05:32.000And if you're edgy and they want to dismiss you, oh, you're just trying to be hicks.
01:05:38.000My girlfriend's favorite argument is when I'm telling her off about something, or when she's telling me, or whatever the argument is, is the problem with you is you always think you're right.
01:05:48.000And I always go, do you say things that you think are wrong?
01:10:36.000And it's just all about this guy, and he's in his rabbi place, and he's in a synagogue, and, you know...
01:10:42.000It is a weird thing, though, when someone else creates the foundation for what you're doing.
01:10:46.000You know, whenever you're doing a parody of something, someone else creates a foundation, and then you come along and build comedy on the foundation of whatever they're doing.
01:11:22.000I don't think he does it on stage, but he was just doing it for the other agents down at CAA. And then I think they thought that I'd be like, what the fuck is that cunt doing?
01:11:31.000I was like, fuck, all I want to know now is what it looks like.
01:12:54.000Like if I was a bit arrogant and all upset and I was on coke when I was watching the episode where he was doing that or the TV spot.
01:13:01.000I think for a guy like him, you know, I bet it's probably really a nice thing to do, to just be able to do theaters, just do his gig on the weekends and then go places and not have anybody telling him, you know, oh, our movie got funded, the production company wants to change something about your show.
01:13:18.000It's like my PR person wanted to come along to me with this because they didn't book it.
01:13:23.000They went, oh, we should come along to everything.
01:13:25.000I'm like, I've done Joe's podcast before, just fine, getting there by myself.
01:14:31.000Comics should do, most likely, the mistake that you think that they're going to make would be one of the best things they could do.
01:14:37.000Like you telling them not to say something, if they wind up saying it and it becomes hilarious, a big uproar, and the network gets pissed, it's probably the best thing they could ever do.
01:14:46.000I got in trouble a couple of weeks ago on Opie and Anthony just ringing in and I had to have my publicist check that I didn't fuck everything up in my life because Carrie Fisher's in this season are legit and so I chatted to Carrie Fisher for a while and Carrie Fisher told me a little bit about what she was doing in Star Wars And I didn't think it was a big secret.
01:15:07.000And I was talking to Opie and anything about it.
01:21:01.000And now Yoda, it's like with his flowing cloak that he comes in with, it just doesn't, that's what takes me out of it.
01:21:07.000Yeah, that's the argument that special effects guys have for using makeup and like Richard, you know, the type of special effects that they used in Star Wars, the original Star Wars, it's all like the same shit they use in American Werewolf in London, like rubber and,
01:21:23.000you know, hair and they, it's all special effects guys.
01:23:03.000I've seen all the Albert Castellanos, Mar and Park Kettle films, every Shirley Temple movie, because my mother liked these old black and white films, and they were on a Sunday, and we only had four channels, and we only had one TV, so I had to fucking sit and watch these films, right?
01:23:15.000Because I didn't go out of the house for whatever reason.
01:23:28.000Now you can DVR it, plus you've got a cartoon channel, and then when you get a bit older, you've got this channel that sort of caters to you being a fucking moron, the Nickelodeon one, where it's like, now, like, you're growing up a little bit, we're still going to keep you children.
01:23:41.000When the kids should be start watching more adult sort of, drama-y type things, now they're watching fucking Miley Cyrus or Hannah Montana or all that type of shit.
01:23:50.000Have you ever seen Nick at Night or Nick Moms?
01:24:38.000How do you keep yourself from repeating the same sort of theme?
01:24:42.000Well, I've done a lot of religious things, but there was a little bit of cheating going on in the sense that I'd go, I'd go, fucking, these Catholics don't like people wearing condoms, do they?
01:24:53.000Anyway, fuck the chick without a condom.
01:25:59.000I think at a certain point in time, when enough information gets distributed...
01:26:04.000Like, okay, like, for instance, this group, okay?
01:26:07.000The four people that are in this room.
01:26:08.000If you want to start preaching to the four people in this room that you shouldn't be homophobic or you shouldn't be racist, like, to us, with no point other than just espousing your beliefs, we'd be like, duh.
01:26:31.000Yeah, all the simple fundamental things that decide whether you can be friends with a person.
01:26:38.000Just the bit where these are deal breakers for me, if you're homophobic, you're racist, I think you're a cock, if you're any of these things.
01:26:44.000And then there's the other things like, I'm anti-gun, I have a lot of people who are pro-gun, you know what I mean?
01:26:49.000That's something that's just open to fucking argument or debate, but it's not a deal closer when it comes to being a friend, right?
01:27:24.000I probably should stay on them, but I'm of the opinion in life it's better to be taking nothing into your body, medicine-wise.
01:27:31.000You know, there's other things you should take, vitamins or whatever, but I feel like if you can get away with it and not take it, it's probably better in the long term.
01:27:39.000Have you ever fucked around with 5-HTP? What's that?
01:27:42.0005-HTP is the building blocks for serotonin.
01:27:46.000And you can take it in a supplement form.
01:27:49.000And 5-HTP actually helps your body produce more serotonin.
01:28:31.000But one time I got off stage in Nottingham, England, and no hint that the gig had gone badly or hecklers or anything like that, and a guy came up and grabbed me from the back of the head and smashed my head into a table, and I fractured my skull above the bridge of my nose.
01:29:12.000And this is what I'll say because this is one of the debates I get in.
01:29:15.000I'm all for public healthcare and I'm saying that as someone who's got money and would pay for my private healthcare on top of that anyway.
01:29:23.000In Britain, man, they put me in a hospital.
01:29:34.000I think that healthcare should be mandatory that society takes care of its citizens.
01:29:40.000I think there should be optional healthcare, like a really good doctor, you know, like to get your knee fixed or something like that.
01:29:46.000You want to go to the guy who does the Lakers.
01:29:47.000But everyone should be able to get healthcare.
01:29:50.000You should, the poorer people in society should have free healthcare.
01:29:54.000And when I say the poorer people, people like students, even if you come from a rich family or whatever, but once you're on your own at 18 and you want to stand on your own two legs and you don't want to ring mum and dad up and go, you know what I mean?
01:30:25.000And then if they said, for instance, I had a cyst in my neck that had to be cut out.
01:30:29.000And the doctor goes, alright, you can be put on the waiting list for the public healthcare, you can get it done in four weeks, or I can do it for you tomorrow if you use your private cover.
01:30:38.000So you get moved up the ladder a bit quicker.
01:31:18.000If you have a little child that's born with AIDS or whatever, I know that's a very exact thing I've just said, but of course someone, they should have healthcare.
01:32:14.000But the whole idea that we have to stick only by things that were in the Constitution, the world is so fucking radically different than it was in the 1700s.
01:33:53.000After they hear all the stories, a child can get the Bible down to, this is the information I want.
01:33:59.000Were there kangaroos in the ark is the most asked question.
01:34:01.000And the answer is, although there is no mention of kangaroos in the Bible, you can be assured because there was two of each animal that there were kangaroos in the ark.
01:34:09.000They just decided to leave it out because not a lot of Australians read the Bible?
01:34:12.000No, they just left it out because they didn't fucking know about Australia!
01:34:17.000God made the entire earth and the universe and all that type of stuff and he did it in like a week, but he didn't know about Australia, at least not to mention in his book.
01:34:28.000The Australia thing is very interesting because it's such a huge continent and there's all these animals that are specific to Australia, like the kangaroo.
01:35:40.000Yeah, they have these giant, like, you know, sort of like net-looking shoes, and they walk around on those fucking things, and it keeps you from...
01:35:47.000It spreads out your weight over a large space.
01:38:35.000Okay, now if you do that job and you're doing, you fix a heel for $5, $10 and you do a key for $3 and you sit in your booth keying and shooing, Why do that in Manhattan?
01:38:47.000Why don't you become the guy who does that in, like, Kansas, where it's a lot cheaper to live?
01:39:33.000Well, but when I moved to Britain, I was flat broke.
01:39:36.000And then when I moved over here, I actually was getting sued by Paramount when I moved over here, and they basically cleaned out my bank account as well.
01:39:59.000I had this four DVD deal and I had made one that was never meant to have gone into the shops.
01:40:06.000I said, I'm just going to make one to sell after gigs.
01:40:08.000So it was done really on the cheap and it's called Contraband, which is sort of a cool name for it because it wasn't in shops and all that type of stuff, right?
01:40:16.000And What happened was, after I made that, I just started to get popular in the UK, and they released this into the shop, so I already wasn't happy with them, because it was a really shitty product.
01:41:55.000Best thing I ever did, because I've now had three more deals since then to do DVDs afterwards.
01:42:00.000It was the best thing ever, getting sued by those people.
01:42:02.000But at the time, I had that much money, minus 10 grand in my bank account, and was like...
01:42:08.000And I felt like I was the richest guy in the world.
01:42:10.000I had like a hundred thousand pounds in my bank and I felt like I'm sitting pretty and then I'm going to move to America and then I was fucking broke, man.
01:43:09.000I was the first British-based comic in, I can't even think of another one, but let's say in a very long time, to get a major break in America.
01:43:19.000To get an HBO special or a Showtime special in America.
01:43:23.000I'm sure Billy Connolly's probably done one.
01:43:25.000Eddie Izzard's always produced his own type of stuff.
01:43:27.000But I was the first British bass guy to have that sort of thing.
01:43:31.000And there was no way I wasn't going to fucking do it.
01:46:51.000This is an interview that Jimmy Carter did saying that he doesn't use email to talk or anything like that because he thinks the NSA is spying on him, so he only uses postal mail.
01:47:46.000But I was the worst for years and years and years.
01:47:48.000And then I always used to look at kids With computers and think, look at these fucking pretentious cunt parents giving their kid an iPad when I didn't have an iPad, you know what I mean?
01:47:57.000And now, I just gave my son, who's 16 months, I got a new iPad and I gave him my old one.
01:48:04.000They love them, but also it's like, you have to, the world is now computers, so the sooner he gets his hand on a computer and is fiddling with a computer, the better.
01:48:14.000Well, it's also, there's connections that are made.
01:48:16.000There's a bunch of games that kids can play on iPads that are actually good for your brain.
01:49:13.000As a comedian and someone who has been terrible at sports their entire life, I see a lot of people with dads when they're like, look, he just threw the ball.
01:50:14.000Well, I'm in the shower, as I do every morning, and he always comes up when he hears me in the shower, because he wakes up about an hour and a half before I do, because he wakes up early and his mom takes care of him in the morning.
01:50:24.000I'm having a shower and he comes up when he hears that I'm awake and he starts bashing on the glass door.
01:50:28.000And what I do is, because I'm an adorable guy, I always paint a little, like in the condensation, I draw a little tie on him or I give him a voice bubble and then say, I love dad or something.
01:51:44.000Like, sometimes you wake him up in the morning, you'll take his nappy off because he's got a shit in there, and it'll be a shit-covered erection.
01:52:34.000Those are like blood pools up in your dick boners.
01:52:37.000Sometimes you go to have sex and you gotta fucking work it a bit to get it going.
01:52:40.000And then like other times, you ever done that one where you masturbate in the car while you're driving because you've been stuck in traffic?
01:52:47.000And then, I was alright with it in Britain, but too many people in this town drive SUVs.
01:53:09.000I found out the best thing to do is to plug my phone into the iPod connection and then play porn on it because then I'll get with Subwoofer and everything surround sound porn in my car.
01:53:38.000This is like, I've just been somewhere, some girl's got me going, I'm in a bit of a frenzy, or I've just had a fight with my girlfriend, I'm in a bit of a bad mood, I need to cheer myself up.
01:54:49.000Don't make that a thing for me because then I'm fucked up and I've got to ask other people to do it and then we're in a real fucking predicament.
01:54:56.000When I was in Boston, I used to bang this really crazy Portuguese chick.
01:56:58.000I was with a girl that had an iron deficiency, and every time she would want me to choke her, the next day she would just have these horrible bruises around her neck, and she just would have to wear turtlenecks and stuff.
01:57:08.000But it looked like if I ever got in trouble, oh, I'm fucked.
01:57:52.000Yeah, I'm not hugely anemic, but I'm a little bit anemic.
01:57:59.000There's a PubMed study on it, the effects of cigarette smoking on hemoglobin levels and anemia screening.
01:58:08.000It seems to cause a generalized upward shift of the hemoglobin distribution curve, which reduces the utility of the hemoglobin level to detect anemia.
01:58:19.000So your body doesn't detect anemia, so it doesn't compensate as much.
01:58:23.000Also, I'm a super pale guy, and that's when you see super pale people, it's often they're anemic.
01:58:43.000One of the things I hate about being pale is it seems like one of the few things in society about a way a human being looks that people in society can just pass fucking judgment and not act like they're being cunts.
01:59:07.000But you go, I'll have people who are actors on my fucking show, who I'm employing, who want to be in more fucking episodes, go, fuck your pile, man!
01:59:29.000I even dislike, I did a photo shoot once for some headshots and the lady fucking put bronzer all over me and that whole photo shoot's ruined because I look too brown and it doesn't suit me.
01:59:37.000You can't let them fuck with you with the makeup.
01:59:53.000I tried my whole life to sunbake and to tan and to get darker all through high school when it did affect me when I did not like the way I looked.
02:00:03.000I wasn't at ease with the way I looked.
02:00:23.000Because all us white people are trying to get darker, and then the really black people now, it's very common for them to bleach their skin.
02:01:42.000But now they were talking about, like...
02:01:47.000It's liberating or how good it was to see an actual black woman portrayed like, you know, like she had afro-y type of hair, like shaved down.
02:01:55.000She wasn't trying to look like a white chick or something, you know what I mean?
02:02:25.000Yeah, when you see the chick who's like, I'm a member of the Black Panthers, and they've got the big fucking afro, you're like, fucking take me down!
02:05:08.000But this is like, you know, 1980, whatever the hell it was.
02:05:11.000I find it weird when there's always women that you know have a hairy bush when they're having a conversation with you and like, why would men want to have sex with like a shaved pussy?
02:05:20.000Like, it must be like having sex with like a child.
02:05:24.000And you're like, that is the weakest argument you could fucking, then why, then you should only kiss men with beards.
02:05:31.000If you kiss a man who shaved his face, what are you, kissing a young boy on the street, you fucking pedophile?
02:06:29.000It might be because it's in porn, but it's also because once a man's used one of those shaven ones, it's a lot more enjoyable than the coarseness of the...
02:06:37.000I remember fucking hairy pussies and having my cock all beaten up afterwards like it's been fucking ripped through a Brillo pad.
02:10:09.000But I remember when I went to university, like actually enjoying this whole, wow, we're all this fucking, yeah, and like girls liking me and shit.
02:10:15.000I'm like, ah, this is what it's like when your mother isn't within five feet of you all the time.
02:10:20.000Oh yeah, that's a big difference though.
02:10:24.000You got your mother who's telling your older brother to kick your fucking ass and then you get to school and she's the one who yells at everybody and then all your friends know that your mom is the cunty teacher that yells at everybody.
02:12:05.000I mean, what we were talking about, about you having a hard time shutting up in school and being a bit of a dick, all those things are perfect for being a comedian.
02:12:18.000You know what's weird now is I go back to Sydney and all the guys I went to school with who I, they probably didn't think they were bullying me, but who I felt bullied by for whatever reason, they all come as a group to my shows.
02:12:33.000And they're like, come and meet me backstage, and they say I'm happy.
02:13:19.000Well, that's why you got into comedy, right?
02:13:21.000Yeah, well, I got into comedy, but also, I actually did pretty good with girls in high school.
02:13:25.000I look back on it now, photos of me, 16, 17, I was a good-looking kid.
02:13:29.000I didn't think it at the time, but I look back on it like I wasn't bad-looking at that age.
02:13:33.000I did good in high school, but then after high school, I went through a fucking terrible drought that didn't go away until I became a comic.
02:14:01.000If you'd spent more than 10 minutes with me, you weren't fucking with me.
02:14:05.000But if I could meet you at a party where the music was too loud that I couldn't bore you with conversation, there was a good chance I'd have sex with you.
02:15:47.000Polyps on your vocal cords, basically calluses from smoking, coke, yelling.
02:15:53.000It's mostly from yelling, from them bashing together.
02:15:55.000They get calluses, so you can't actually get your vocal cords close enough together to make high sounds, because there's always a gap in them from these little things.
02:17:08.000My parents were happy with the musical theater because they saw my mother could brag and act like it was a bit more la-di-da than the whole thing.
02:17:14.000But I decided I was going to be a comedian in that two months where I couldn't talk.
02:19:16.000It was the first reality, big reality show ever where we were watching these people just living in a house and people couldn't fathom whether there's no actors.
02:20:15.000They're all really slagging her off and all that type of stuff.
02:20:17.000She was sort of our friend and she moved over to LA. And I remember looking at her MySpace page like, wow, she's made in LA. She was back up singing for Lionel Richie or something.
02:21:11.000The part had like one line and then she came on set and I think in that moment, this is how much of an arsehole I must be, she remembered who I was from school.
02:21:39.000And so she, I wasn't going by my original name, so she had no reasons for it.
02:21:44.000And then I sort of reminded her, I said, oh, we used to come over and your mum used to make this type of food and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
02:21:50.000I think she was so pissed off that I made it and she didn't, that I had my own TV show.
02:21:57.000That she went up to the producer and went, I've got food poisoning, I need to go home, and just walked off the set.
02:23:50.000I've been trying to get into that club forever.
02:23:52.000That's just the frustration of not having made it yet, and then once you have, and you've got some success, it goes away, and then you can actually enjoy it.
02:23:59.000But I think there's successful people who still fucking don't want any other cut to have anything.
02:24:14.000Tortures the audience for a half an hour with the worst fucking shit stand-up ever just so they can come in and clean up the show and look like a hero.
02:27:01.000Native American, I mean, unless you're talking about Native Americans that have their DNA combined, like Mexicans, is a lot of Native Americans that had sex with Spaniards.
02:27:11.000Like way, way, way, way back in the day.
02:27:13.000But when they do the DNA chart of Native Americans, one of the things they found when they were researching, there was a guy who was a Mormon, a hardcore Mormon, and he's a really rich guy, and he wanted to prove that Joseph Smith was correct, and everything that he said in the Bible was true, and that the Native Americans were the lost tribe of Israel.
02:27:31.000So he mapped out the genome of the Native Americans.
02:28:17.000It's because the most content people, maybe not the happiest, the most content people on earth are in Denmark, because it gets fucking dark at three, and there's...
02:28:27.000You don't even dream about being a famous movie star or a musician.
02:28:30.000There's no entertainment business that comes out of it.
02:28:33.000You have to keep your dreams at a nice low level in Denmark.
02:28:36.000So you never get crushed by the world.
02:28:39.000You never have a girlfriend going, when's it going to happen for me?
02:28:42.000All you have is people sitting around Denmark going, oh, well, you know, on Saturday we're going to have a drink, aren't we?
02:29:28.000You go work in an office, you're getting fucked over by people who are smiling at you.
02:29:33.000Well, you're also dealing with unbelievably unnatural behavior.
02:29:35.000Sitting in a box, the same box, every day, eight hours a day plus, and commuting, and all day you're sitting, and there's no physical movement at all.
02:29:46.000There's nothing explosive going on with your body, no use of your senses, no fight or flight.
02:29:51.000But it's also like the bullying thing that you see.
02:29:55.000You see these people who, when you first walk into CA, were assistants.
02:29:59.000And they sat in that front thing and they'd always have a jar of M&Ms and they'd be like, hey Jim, great to see you.
02:30:10.000And then they have that cunt that sat behind them that used to just call them a piece of shit because they got their coffee order wrong.
02:30:16.000And then they'd go home and cry even though they smiled to you because it was part of their job.
02:30:20.000And then the second that they get to move into that back little room and they get a person up there, they're fucking telling that person they're a cunt.
02:30:26.000They can't get coffee to save their life.