The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #475

00:00:02.000 Hello, freaks!

00:00:03.000 This episode of the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by Ting.

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00:00:47.000 It works in Canada, but you can't live in Canada and buy it.

00:00:50.000 I don't know why.

00:00:51.000 I don't understand anything.

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00:02:55.000 Get the fuck out of here.

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00:03:40.000 Alright, that's it.

00:03:41.000 Let's keep it brief.

00:03:42.000 Adam Kroll's here.

00:03:43.000 We're running out of time.

00:03:44.000 Cue the music.

00:03:45.000 Cue it.

00:03:46.000 Cue it, Jamie.

00:03:47.000 Do it, Jamie.

00:03:48.000 Jesus Christ.

00:03:49.000 The Joe Rogan Podcast.

00:03:50.000 Check it out.

00:03:51.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:03:58.000 Adam Carolla.

00:03:59.000 I saw you looking.

00:04:00.000 You want some of this?

00:04:00.000 I was looking for some coffee.

00:04:01.000 This is coffee with grass-fed butter and MCT oil mixed into it.

00:04:06.000 Wow.

00:04:06.000 Do you know what that is?

00:04:07.000 No.

00:04:08.000 Well, the idea behind it, it was apparently invented by a guy named Rob Wolf and then made popular by another guy named Dave Asprey.

00:04:15.000 And what it is is the grass-fed butter and the MCT oil provide healthy fats mixed in with the coffee and it allows a slow burn of the caffeine.

00:04:26.000 So instead of that big crash that you get, you don't get the big crash because your body has to absorb the fats that are blended in with the caffeine.

00:04:32.000 Yeah.

00:04:33.000 It's very nice.

00:04:34.000 It's sweet.

00:04:34.000 Very nice.

00:04:35.000 Yeah.

00:04:36.000 No, what I do is I simply eat cows that have been fed coffee grounds.

00:04:41.000 That's a way to do it, a roundabout way.

00:04:44.000 So I have like a cappuccino porterhouse or whatever.

00:04:47.000 Like instead of the grass-fed beef...

00:04:49.000 I just feed them just straight Sumatra beans, straight from Whole Foods or Trader Joe's, and then I'll eat that cow.

00:04:57.000 I would go to that steak joint, by the way.

00:04:59.000 The coffee-fed cows.

00:05:00.000 Fuck Kobe, just coffee-fed cows.

00:05:02.000 A bunch of cows all jittery, sitting around, scratching at their udders and scraping themselves up against the fence.

00:05:10.000 But I would definitely eat that cow.

00:05:12.000 Sounds like a great idea, actually.

00:05:14.000 I wonder if it would have some sort of effect on the meat.

00:05:16.000 I don't know, but I'm in, man.

00:05:19.000 I'm in, too.

00:05:20.000 Let's open it.

00:05:20.000 Let's do it together.

00:05:21.000 Let's do it.

00:05:21.000 A joint podcast business.

00:05:23.000 Yeah.

00:05:24.000 I want to also...

00:05:25.000 Tell me if you're down with this.

00:05:28.000 Okay.

00:05:29.000 The best part of going out and eating Italian food is when the chick comes by with that little silver bucket that has the Parmesan cheese in it.

00:05:39.000 And she does say, would you like a little Parmesan on that pasta?

00:05:42.000 And you go, fuck yeah, I'd like a little Parmesan on that pasta.

00:05:45.000 And she takes the spoon out and she kind of flicks it around the top.

00:05:49.000 You never quite have the balls to go, sweetie, I need a second dip.

00:05:53.000 Is that good?

00:05:54.000 And you go, yeah, that's good.

00:05:55.000 I realize half the time when people say you're good, I'm not good, but I just say I'm good anyway.

00:06:00.000 And then she walks away.

00:06:02.000 And then you eat the spaghetti, but you eat the top.

00:06:05.000 You take the Parmesan off the top, and at some point you get down to the middle, and now you're Parmesan-less.

00:06:13.000 I would open a restaurant where that bitch came back a second time, and it's just called More Parmesan.

00:06:19.000 It's mediocre Italian food, but here's the rub.

00:06:22.000 The chick comes back a second time and goes, can I top off some of that shit that I didn't hit the first time around?

00:06:28.000 Isn't there a point of diminishing return with cheese?

00:06:30.000 Like, there gets to be a point where you don't want half cheese, half pasta.

00:06:33.000 That would be a wreck.

00:06:34.000 No, but the ratio is too great with the cheese at the beginning, and then you're cheeseless.

00:06:40.000 Hmm.

00:06:40.000 In the middle to the end.

00:06:42.000 I just want that last dusting.

00:06:44.000 Just that crop dust.

00:06:46.000 I always feel it's like life.

00:06:47.000 It's more exciting and fascinating in the beginning.

00:06:50.000 In the end, you're just sort of maintaining.

00:06:52.000 Yeah.

00:06:52.000 Are you in maintenance mode?

00:06:54.000 No, I'm fine.

00:06:55.000 Okay, good.

00:06:55.000 Everything seems good.

00:06:56.000 Good.

00:06:57.000 I like your digs.

00:06:59.000 Last time I came to your place, I was at your place, and now I'm at your new place.

00:07:03.000 Yeah, we got tired of bringing weirdos over to my house.

00:07:06.000 After a while, I realized.

00:07:07.000 No, I had Andy Dick come over to my house.

00:07:13.000 And devour all of my lunch meats and thinly sliced provolone cheese.

00:07:20.000 You know the stuff you get from the Italian deli that comes wrapped up in the paper, in the white paper?

00:07:26.000 The nice stuff.

00:07:27.000 Yeah.

00:07:27.000 And there's a weird thing, and I don't know how you feel about this, but...

00:07:32.000 I grew up poor and hungry.

00:07:35.000 Like, I was fucking hungry all the time.

00:07:38.000 And food was a big deal.

00:07:39.000 And I had to mooch a lot of food off of other people.

00:07:42.000 Go to other people's houses and mooch their food.

00:07:45.000 At lunch, it was always bumming.

00:07:47.000 You know, hey, you're going to finish that sandwich?

00:07:48.000 Got to eat that sandwich.

00:07:49.000 You know, it's like always mooching and bumming.

00:07:52.000 Henry's Tacos over here in North Hollywood, when I was a kid, I used to go there and get the broken taco shells.

00:07:58.000 I'd go, they make hard shell tacos, right?

00:08:00.000 Yeah.

00:08:00.000 You got any broken shells?

00:08:02.000 They'd go, yeah, some of them break.

00:08:04.000 I'd go, give me the broken shells.

00:08:05.000 They'd give me the broken shells.

00:08:07.000 I'd go, give me some hot sauce.

00:08:08.000 They'd go, here's some hot sauce.

00:08:09.000 It's free.

00:08:10.000 I'd go, can I have a cup of water?

00:08:11.000 A cup of water, and I'd just sit there eating my own fucking nachos for free.

00:08:16.000 It sucked at the time, though.

00:08:17.000 It was like, alright, I'm getting free food.

00:08:19.000 I was always crazy with food, and if somebody ever gets into my shit, I'm okay with it, but there was something about the lunch meat.

00:08:29.000 Andy Dick came over, and he's like, you got any cheese?

00:08:31.000 You got any lunch meat?

00:08:32.000 And he stood in my kitchen, and he was just taking big handfuls of it and just shoving it in his face.

00:08:38.000 And then later on, When we did the podcast, he lit up a cigar, smoked half of it in my office, and then kept the other half, but he never retrieved it, and it rolled behind my printer, and then my house smelled like smoked lunch meats and smoked cigars and Andy Dick for the next week,

00:08:55.000 and I was like, it's time to move it to the studio.

00:08:57.000 It's time to go to the warehouse.

00:08:59.000 How long ago was this?

00:09:02.000 I probably...

00:09:03.000 It's so weird, because at the time you don't think to write anything down, but I probably started from my den in my house, and I probably lasted about three or four months, and then I moved it to my warehouse.

00:09:16.000 And what year did you start podcasting?

00:09:18.000 You started right when the radio show was done?

00:09:20.000 Yeah, in February 2009. Isn't it funny that that was probably the best thing that could have ever happened to you, is the radio show being done?

00:09:28.000 Because that radio show being done let you just completely be you, not worry about nothing, say whatever the fuck you want, and your podcast became the biggest podcast in the world directly as a result of that.

00:09:40.000 You went right from one right into the other, and it became better.

00:09:44.000 Well, you know...

00:09:47.000 We like to get philosophical, which is what I always dig about doing your show.

00:09:52.000 And everyone spends their life fearful and trying to avoid change.

00:10:00.000 And they look at change as a negative all the time.

00:10:04.000 Like, I want to keep my job.

00:10:05.000 I want to keep my house.

00:10:06.000 I want to keep my car.

00:10:08.000 I want to keep my wife.

00:10:09.000 I want to keep, you know, unless you start making some real cash and then it's time for change.

00:10:13.000 But what I'm saying is, we spend our whole lives sort of hanging on to whatever we're hanging on to, our youth, our whatever.

00:10:24.000 It's don't change.

00:10:25.000 And then when somebody gets fired or somebody gets, you know, for me, I tried to be a groundling.

00:10:32.000 And after a certain point, the groundling said, you're not going to make it.

00:10:36.000 And you're gone.

00:10:38.000 And I was heartbroken and devastated.

00:10:41.000 And I've had girlfriends dump me.

00:10:43.000 And I was heartbroken.

00:10:44.000 I was dead.

00:10:44.000 And I've been fired from jobs.

00:10:46.000 Oh my God, I had a terrestrial radio gig and it paid tons of cash and I had a big contract.

00:10:51.000 And now you're done.

00:10:52.000 So you spend...

00:10:54.000 Your entire life, basically, fearful and trying to avoid change.

00:10:59.000 But my question to you is, when has change ever been bad?

00:11:04.000 When has it ever slowed you down?

00:11:07.000 Doesn't it just open up other opportunities?

00:11:09.000 And can't you look back on your life at a million times that things have changed and then almost immediately we're better after that change?

00:11:19.000 Sure, your girlfriend dumps you and you're bummed out, beaten off in a heap of tears for six weeks or months, and then you meet a hotter chick or a different chick or a smarter chick.

00:11:28.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:11:29.000 Same with the job.

00:11:30.000 Your entire journey of life.

00:11:32.000 What is no change?

00:11:34.000 No change is working at the same postal sorting place in Illinois for 41 years.

00:11:40.000 That's no change.

00:11:41.000 So even though we're always freaked out by change, it's usually a good thing and it's basically life.

00:11:48.000 For people with the right attitude who do the right things right after a change, definitely.

00:11:53.000 But some people allow change to beat the fuck out of them and they never recover.

00:11:57.000 There's people that got dumped in high school.

00:12:00.000 And we're never the same human being afterwards.

00:12:02.000 There's people that just never recovered from getting fired from the first good job they had, and they got a pill addiction or whatever the fuck.

00:12:09.000 There's people that got one divorce, and they lost all their money, and they just start drinking.

00:12:14.000 They just, fuck this.

00:12:15.000 I'll throw it all away now.

00:12:16.000 No, and I agree, and those people need to change.

00:12:20.000 And those people...

00:12:23.000 I mean, you ever talk to those dudes that are hanging on to some shit from...

00:12:27.000 20 years ago?

00:12:29.000 That's ridiculous.

00:12:29.000 I can't talk to someone who's hanging out with some shit from two weeks ago.

00:12:32.000 Like, cut it out.

00:12:33.000 You know, Dr. Drew, when he first started doing Loveline a million years ago, he worked with a dude called The Poor Man.

00:12:43.000 I remember that guy.

00:12:44.000 And...

00:12:45.000 Poor man got himself fired.

00:12:47.000 And I don't know all the ins and outs, but he sent a bunch of listeners over to Bean of Kevin and Bean's house, gave him his address, that came out to his lawn.

00:12:56.000 What a douchebag.

00:12:58.000 Well, he did a few things that, you know, the management wasn't happy about.

00:13:01.000 Were they enemies, him and Bean, or was it just for a goof?

00:13:04.000 I think Bean was screwing with poor man, and poor man was screwing with Bean, but it's like...

00:13:11.000 It's like I was tickling you and you were tickling me and then I walked away and you took a snow shovel and hit me over the head with it.

00:13:19.000 And whatever it is, he crossed the line.

00:13:23.000 And at some point, the management just went, well, we're making a change.

00:13:30.000 And poor man, you're out.

00:13:33.000 And Ricky Rackman, you're in.

00:13:37.000 And, okay, Ricky Rackman took over.

00:13:39.000 And it was Dr. Drew and Ricky Rackman.

00:13:42.000 And poor man always wanted Dr. Drew to hold out or quit with him or whatever he wanted him to do.

00:13:50.000 I don't even know all the details.

00:13:52.000 Now, three years later, I showed up.

00:13:55.000 And I took over for Ricky Rackman.

00:14:00.000 Six months ago, I was doing one of my, like, Mangria tasting events in Manhattan, and somebody who was affiliated with the poor man was dispatched to come to the event and sort of corner me and hold a microphone in front of me and say,

00:14:17.000 like, what do you think of the poor man, and what do you think of Dr. Drew, and all that.

00:14:21.000 And I started thinking to myself, Jesus fucking Christ, it's been 20 years.

00:14:29.000 And when I say 20 years, I mean 22 years.

00:14:33.000 I thought, let it go, man.

00:14:36.000 Move on to whatever you're moving on to.

00:14:39.000 I don't know if you got screwed or you didn't get screwed.

00:14:42.000 We all get screwed at some point or another.

00:14:45.000 Move it on.

00:14:46.000 And I think she said...

00:14:49.000 Is there anything you'd like to say to poor man?

00:14:52.000 And by the way, all I did was fill in, all I did was take over for the guy who took over for him.

00:14:58.000 I don't even have any association with him.

00:15:00.000 And I just said, may the next 20 years be as fruitful as the last.

00:15:08.000 Always a good thing to say to someone, but in context.

00:15:11.000 Yes, in context.

00:15:12.000 So I guess some people move on better than others, but people, if you're staring in your rearview mirror and you never stop looking at that thing and all you want is for that thing to make you whole again...

00:15:27.000 You just keep driving and getting further away.

00:15:30.000 The years just keep wearing on.

00:15:32.000 And that thing you're staring at, that thing's moved on.

00:15:36.000 Yeah, patterns of thoughts can be really good if you're just one of those guys that develops a really good pattern of thought.

00:15:43.000 Dust yourself off!

00:15:44.000 Alright, you fucking keep moving by default.

00:15:46.000 And we're going to fucking use this.

00:15:47.000 It's going to be fuel.

00:15:48.000 And from here on out, things are going to be way better because there's no losses.

00:15:52.000 There's only lessons.

00:15:54.000 We learned our lesson, we're moving on.

00:15:56.000 And then there's the other person that by default fucking always happens to me, man.

00:15:59.000 Always happens to me.

00:16:01.000 I'm so tired of the world fucking me over.

00:16:04.000 She leaves me and right when my fucking boss fought.

00:16:07.000 You know, all the same nonsense.

00:16:09.000 No, I always love the...

00:16:11.000 I love the, why'd you get fired?

00:16:13.000 I got fired because I do the work of five dudes and the boss felt threatened.

00:16:17.000 It's like, yeah.

00:16:18.000 Has that ever happened?

00:16:19.000 No.

00:16:21.000 I've been the boss a lot of times.

00:16:22.000 I fire the guys who do the work of half a dude, not five dudes.

00:16:25.000 Yeah, but you're a nice guy.

00:16:26.000 You're a nice guy.

00:16:27.000 There are some people that don't like you doing better than them.

00:16:30.000 If they're in a position of power, they will fuck you over.

00:16:33.000 There are always, you know, I say...

00:16:38.000 There are always people who are out there to fuck you over.

00:16:44.000 Your chances, there's a chance that you can be hit by a drunk driver when you're just sitting in an intersection, you know, minding your own business.

00:16:56.000 Just this guy is, you know,.275, blows through a red light, is completely blottoed and just puts you in a wheelchair or a casket.

00:17:06.000 I mean, there is that opportunity.

00:17:08.000 It's out there for everyone.

00:17:10.000 And then there's the chance that you win the lottery.

00:17:15.000 Or your dad is Jerry Jones and owns a professional sports franchise.

00:17:19.000 And when he dies, he's going to give the Dallas Cowboys to you.

00:17:23.000 That's not going to be anybody we know.

00:17:26.000 They'll be the high, they'll be the low.

00:17:29.000 Almost everyone we know will live in the middle.

00:17:32.000 And the middle is, you get the dickhead boss that has it out for you.

00:17:37.000 You get the girlfriend that dumps you, cheated on you, and then you have the best friend who did you a solid, and the boss who was a really cool guy, and the landlord that was cool, and the landlord that is a dick.

00:17:51.000 You're just going to live in the middle.

00:17:53.000 So when you're in the middle, and once you've decided you're not blessed, you're not cursed, you're just in the middle, now you get to control your own destiny.

00:18:04.000 I firmly believe that without all those fuck-ups, the honey isn't as sweet.

00:18:09.000 You have to get dumped.

00:18:10.000 If you don't get dumped, if I was still with the same girl that I didn't want to get dumped by when I was 17, my life would be horrifying.

00:18:18.000 It would be a horrible disaster.

00:18:21.000 We were not compatible.

00:18:23.000 Right.

00:18:24.000 Who were you compatible with at 17?

00:18:27.000 Exactly!

00:18:27.000 Who is compatible with anybody at 17?

00:18:30.000 I wasn't at...

00:18:31.000 You think about it, like you hear about these people, you know, we're 23, we're going to get married.

00:18:36.000 Think about where your fucking head was at at 23. Oh, God.

00:18:40.000 Nowhere.

00:18:41.000 It was in the clouds.

00:18:42.000 I mean, I don't even know that guys should be allowed to get married before 30. Yeah, I don't think you can think straight.

00:18:52.000 First off, it's amazing that you're an adult and just how fucking stupid you are when you're 22 or 23 as a dude.

00:18:59.000 Also, in terms of your understanding of a woman or giving her what she needs or responsibility or responsibility yourself, family, that kind of stuff.

00:19:30.000 No fucking way.

00:19:32.000 Yeah.

00:19:32.000 Everybody's fucking way ahead of you, man.

00:19:35.000 They're way ahead of you.

00:19:36.000 We don't understand each other until deep into our 30s, as far as men and women kind of understanding that this other person, they have a completely different way of thinking.

00:19:48.000 There's a completely different wiring under the board.

00:19:51.000 And you press a button that you'd press on a guy and get a positive response.

00:19:54.000 And someone's mad at you.

00:19:56.000 And you have to kind of figure out what to say, what not to say, and what to tease about, and what you can't tease about ever.

00:20:03.000 I... When I... I didn't have a real close relationship with my family, but when I was about 19 or 20, I was...

00:20:20.000 Doing construction.

00:20:21.000 I was, you know, doing construction.

00:20:23.000 I mean, I was picking up garbage on a construction site and digging ditches and, you know, basically just a glorified goomper, you know, just like literally.

00:20:31.000 You think of it as, oh, you're a bunch of guys wearing hard hats and putting together I-beams and girders.

00:20:38.000 No, it's just me walking around picking up garbage, you know.

00:20:40.000 That's kind of sweeping shit and stacking drywall, you know.

00:20:45.000 I was probably making about $7 or $8 an hour.

00:20:48.000 And my dad said to me, you're going to have trouble with women.

00:20:53.000 And I was like, why?

00:20:56.000 And he's like, I was married to your mom and you were raised by your mom and there's going to be issues here.

00:21:04.000 And he said, I'm going to find you a shrink and I'll pay for half and you pay for half.

00:21:13.000 Now, it is insane when you make $8 an hour and you're sitting down with someone who gets $100 an hour for 50 minutes.

00:21:21.000 It's the most insane thing in the world.

00:21:24.000 It was literally like five hours of work for me to sit down with this woman in Beverly Hills and discuss my problems when I was 20. And what kind of problems did you have that were so unusual that you had to sit down and shrink?

00:21:40.000 My dad, who comes from that kind of world, basically said, you need to sit down with a woman and you need to establish a relationship with a woman.

00:21:53.000 That's a good relationship.

00:21:56.000 Basically saying, it's not so much the information that you're going to get from her, but it's the relationship that you're going to have with her.

00:22:05.000 So the fact that she's the position of authority and that she's intelligent and she's rational and then you have to see her and you sort of raise your bar on women because of that?

00:22:16.000 Yeah, not so much raising the bar, but just like you have never had...

00:22:24.000 A positive, consistent relationship with something that has a vagina.

00:22:31.000 And you need to have that.

00:22:35.000 So he basically saw trouble in your future.

00:22:38.000 He did.

00:22:39.000 And he knew that, well, I didn't have that with my mom, and I didn't really have that with my grandma, and I wasn't really having that with anybody around me, and that this needed to be established.

00:22:52.000 That's some deep insight by your dad.

00:22:55.000 Yeah.

00:22:56.000 It was kind of interesting.

00:22:57.000 I mean, it is kind of his bag.

00:22:59.000 You know, it's kind of his thing.

00:23:01.000 But it was...

00:23:02.000 And, you know, it's one of these things where it's like a multivitamin.

00:23:06.000 You know, I always tell people, like, therapy is like a multivitamin.

00:23:09.000 They're like, does it work?

00:23:10.000 Does it not work?

00:23:11.000 I go, do you feel different?

00:23:13.000 I go, I don't know.

00:23:14.000 When you take a multivitamin, do you feel different?

00:23:17.000 Or are you just being active in your health?

00:23:20.000 Right.

00:23:20.000 And you're participating in your health.

00:23:23.000 Do you know what I'm saying?

00:23:24.000 Yes.

00:23:25.000 Yeah.

00:23:25.000 And, you know, obviously when you take a Quaalude, you feel different.

00:23:29.000 But when you take a multivitamin, I don't know if you feel different.

00:23:32.000 It's part of...

00:23:35.000 But you should take that multivitamin.

00:23:38.000 That's what I'm saying.

00:23:39.000 Be active in it.

00:23:41.000 I always thought, you know, half of therapy is you physically getting up and going, right?

00:23:47.000 Right.

00:23:48.000 To therapy and participating in that aspect of your life.

00:23:52.000 So the therapy wasn't like, it's not something like, holy shit, dude, you need fucking therapy.

00:23:59.000 It was more like, you know, it's good to take a vitamin.

00:24:02.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:24:03.000 It's like if your dad was into holistic health and he said, here's some herbs.

00:24:10.000 Take these.

00:24:10.000 These motherfuckers drive me crazy.

00:24:12.000 The idea that some douchebag who's got an ancient book on leaves knows more than some fucking dude who spent his entire life studying diseases...

00:24:22.000 Yes.

00:24:22.000 And they have some really good modern cures.

00:24:25.000 But no, Shithead over here wants to give you some holistic cure that may or may not work.

00:24:30.000 Well, here's the whole thing about the holistic stuff for me, and it's sort of the wisdom of the Orient and all that kind of bullshit.

00:24:38.000 To me, it's like this.

00:24:39.000 If you don't have a real problem, then it'll cure...

00:24:44.000 Whatever your non-real problem is.

00:24:47.000 If your real problem is just some sort of fatigue that's based on depression or based on something that's going on emotionally in your life, basically it's living in your head, but you say, oh, my joints ache and I have trouble getting out of bed,

00:25:02.000 and I give you a magic pill that has a little bit of whisker of the cat in it, then that'll work on you.

00:25:10.000 Now, if you've got a real problem...

00:25:13.000 I do a podcast with a guy named Brian.

00:25:15.000 Brian has a tumor on his brain stem.

00:25:20.000 And he's got a real problem.

00:25:23.000 That's a different problem.

00:25:24.000 And he takes medication that stops the growth of that tumor.

00:25:31.000 It was experimental at the time.

00:25:33.000 But if that tumor grows, then he's dead within six months.

00:25:38.000 And he's 30 years old.

00:25:40.000 So when you have a tumor on the base of your spine or the top of your spine and the base of your brain that's inoperable, whisker of the cat and the fucking hair of the newt is not going to fucking heal that shit for you.

00:25:55.000 Rhino horn for boners.

00:25:57.000 Right.

00:25:58.000 No.

00:25:58.000 That doesn't work if you have a real problem.

00:26:01.000 That's the best combination.

00:26:03.000 The best comparison, rather, is rhino horn versus cialis.

00:26:08.000 One of them only works in your mind, and you're like, well, I feel more virile.

00:26:14.000 And the other one gives you a steel rod in your pants for a solid day.

00:26:19.000 Right.

00:26:20.000 You have a choice, whether you want to go with voodoo or that little blue thing.

00:26:24.000 Well, the rhino horn should be a strap-on rhino horn.

00:26:27.000 You should get the whole horn.

00:26:29.000 Forget about grinding it up into a fucking powder and putting it in your teeth.

00:26:32.000 Just give me the whole fucking horn.

00:26:34.000 I'll put a bicycle inner tube around it, wrap it once around the balls, and nail over the fucking horn.

00:26:42.000 Could you imagine how horrible it would be if men had hard-ons all the time, like a horn?

00:26:46.000 It wasn't a biological process that you had to engage in your head.

00:26:50.000 All factors have to be right, and anything that's wrong...

00:26:53.000 Fear, boner shuts down.

00:26:55.000 Drunk, the boner shuts down.

00:26:57.000 All these things happen, your boner shuts down.

00:26:59.000 The complex biological process that is the erection.

00:27:02.000 If we just had a rhino horn, and we could just fuck all the time, what a wreck it would be on Earth.

00:27:07.000 Everyone would have callous dicks.

00:27:09.000 We'd have caked calluses all around the outsides of our dicks.

00:27:13.000 There would be all these places, instead of mani-pedi places, there would be places that would remove the calluses so you could enjoy pleasure with your dick again.

00:27:19.000 I'm going to step up your apocalyptic...

00:27:23.000 Boner, future, nightmare scenario.

00:27:26.000 I'm going to fucking turn this one up to 11. Then...

00:27:30.000 Imagine if there were boner poachers.

00:27:34.000 And they're like, hey, some guy in Japan wants to make some soup out of Rogan's cock because he thinks it's going to make his cock harder.

00:27:43.000 Rogan's a virile guy.

00:27:45.000 He's into the MMA. So next thing you know, you're looking over your shoulder because there's some dude, and you don't know if he's a game warden or if he's on your side or their side.

00:27:55.000 But every time the sun goes down, you've got to worry about the cock poachers.

00:27:59.000 Could you imagine, there is no way to grow your dick, but could you imagine if the only way to grow your dick would be sucking dicks?

00:28:05.000 You'd have to run around and suck as many dicks as possible to get your dick bigger.

00:28:09.000 But it did work.

00:28:11.000 So a girl, when you pull your pants out, she'd look at your dick and she would know for a fact, wow, that's a great dick, but this guy most likely sucked a lot of cocks to get that dick so big.

00:28:21.000 Right.

00:28:22.000 Well, then you'd have to explain that that's just sort of born this way, God's gift.

00:28:29.000 Your dad and grandpa have huge cocks.

00:28:31.000 They never suck cocks.

00:28:32.000 Maybe you wouldn't want to protest that much.

00:28:34.000 Yeah.

00:28:35.000 You'd have to lie about it a little bit.

00:28:37.000 I don't know.

00:28:38.000 Like bodybuilders and steroids.

00:28:39.000 I don't know if the chick would assume that, but it would be an interesting thing to find out a survey of straight guys that Which is, if you could grow your cock by sucking cock, would you be in and down for that?

00:28:54.000 It would be like, how much does it grow, too?

00:28:56.000 Oh, yeah.

00:28:57.000 If every dick you sucked, it grew an inch.

00:28:59.000 Holy shit.

00:28:59.000 There'd be a long negotiation about swallowing, about length, about are we metric or standard here?

00:29:07.000 Are we going millimeters?

00:29:08.000 Are we going by the inch?

00:29:09.000 How do we do it?

00:29:10.000 I always say this.

00:29:12.000 Everyone talks about your dick, your dick size, you measure the dick.

00:29:15.000 How do you measure the dick?

00:29:17.000 I say this.

00:29:18.000 It should be standardized.

00:29:20.000 You measure your cock this way.

00:29:22.000 You heard it on Joe Rogan's show, once and for all.

00:29:25.000 The official way to do it, use a cloth measuring tape.

00:29:29.000 Center of the anus.

00:29:31.000 What?

00:29:32.000 Hear me out.

00:29:33.000 Center of the anus, once around the ball, to just past the tip.

00:29:38.000 Just past the tip.

00:29:39.000 Just past the tip.

00:29:40.000 That's the official way I measure my cock, and I think it should be a standard.

00:29:45.000 That's very generous of you.

00:29:49.000 That's the way you measure cock.

00:29:50.000 I've heard he's supposed to measure from the bottom, and I think that's ridiculous.

00:29:53.000 No, center of anus.

00:29:55.000 Don't cheat it back.

00:29:57.000 Go center.

00:29:58.000 Once around the balls, just past the tip.

00:30:00.000 Let me ask you another thing, Joe.

00:30:01.000 Cock-related.

00:30:03.000 Tell me if you'd be down with this.

00:30:05.000 I've given this a lot of thought, a lot more thought than I'm really comfortable admitting, but I had this idea where...

00:30:19.000 We do a water displacement test on every guy over 18. You're hard cock.

00:30:28.000 Into a graduated cylinder.

00:30:30.000 Filled to the top with water.

00:30:32.000 Through just a very thin sheet of stainless steel.

00:30:36.000 Lower you down.

00:30:37.000 And we literally see how much water is displaced by your tumescent cock.

00:30:42.000 Okay?

00:30:43.000 Now, this factors in girth and length and everything else.

00:30:47.000 Right.

00:30:47.000 So it would be a volume issue.

00:30:49.000 It would be a volume thing.

00:30:50.000 This is water displacement.

00:30:51.000 Okay.

00:30:52.000 Once we do that...

00:30:55.000 We do it for every male in America over the age of 18. You then are issued a windbreaker.

00:31:05.000 That windbreaker has your ranking on it.

00:31:08.000 Not how much water you displace, not how big your cock is, but out of, let's say, there's 100 million males that are over the age of 18 in the United States, what place you come in.

00:31:22.000 Number one, That'd be a pretty fucking good windbreaker to have.

00:31:27.000 You'd also...

00:31:28.000 Anybody who was in the top ten would be making the fucking rounds on the late night shows.

00:31:34.000 And each year, you know, there's two, three, five million guys turning 18. It all has to be recalibrated every year.

00:31:46.000 Do you think dicks are getting bigger?

00:31:47.000 If you saw a graph of how big dicks used to be in the 20s in 2014. Well, you know, if people are getting bigger, I'm sure proportionately we are.

00:31:56.000 So the point is this.

00:31:58.000 You may be number one, but there's always some guy turning 18. I mean, there's a thousand guys just turned 18 the time I said that.

00:32:05.000 And they're getting tested.

00:32:07.000 And there's a big reveal.

00:32:08.000 And for one month...

00:32:11.000 Everybody's got to wear that windbreaker wherever they are.

00:32:17.000 No one's going to wear that thing for a month.

00:32:19.000 That's the rule.

00:32:20.000 2,999,000.

00:32:25.000 It's starting at 100 million.

00:32:28.000 Somebody's going to be last.

00:32:30.000 Well, there's 300 million people in the country, so 150 million plus, minus.

00:32:36.000 Right, but then you've got to go 18-year-old.

00:32:39.000 But let's just call it 100 million people.

00:32:41.000 Okay.

00:32:42.000 And for my money...

00:32:44.000 The number one dude is going to do all the late night shows, and the last dude, he's going to make the rounds, too.

00:32:50.000 Did you ever see that one guy that has the biggest cock in the world, apparently?

00:32:53.000 He went to the TSA, like he was wearing sweatpants, and they accused him of trying to smuggle something.

00:32:58.000 The guy's got a giant hog, and apparently it was all over these news reports.

00:33:04.000 He's a white guy, too.

00:33:05.000 Pasty-looking white guy.

00:33:06.000 Yeah, I think his name is Jonah Falcon or something like that.

00:33:10.000 Oh, yeah?

00:33:10.000 That's what I heard.

00:33:12.000 I think I saw a documentary or something.

00:33:14.000 Do you remember in the porn days, and it's not saying that John Holmes doesn't have a big dick.

00:33:17.000 He definitely has a big dick.

00:33:19.000 But remember when we were kids and we would watch porn, if you saw John Holmes, you'd be like, holy shit, that's a big dick.

00:33:24.000 Jonah Falcon.

00:33:26.000 So sad.

00:33:27.000 Frisked by TSA. By the way, ask me who the vice president is.

00:33:30.000 I'm like, uh...

00:33:32.000 Nancy Reagan?

00:33:33.000 Oh, fuck, man.

00:33:35.000 I didn't know it was going to be a history quiz.

00:33:37.000 But Big Cox?

00:33:39.000 I'm fucking your man.

00:33:40.000 John Holmes used to have a giant dick, but now that's pretty standard.

00:33:45.000 There's a lot of those guys with big giant dicks, especially the black ones.

00:33:49.000 I don't...

00:33:50.000 Well, I got a theory about...

00:33:53.000 Big, giant, black dicks.

00:33:54.000 Thank God.

00:33:55.000 Tough tales nicely into my windbreaker theory.

00:33:59.000 I got a theory about that.

00:34:01.000 And it is the following.

00:34:03.000 First off...

00:34:06.000 How dare you besmirch a good name of Johnny Watt Holmes?

00:34:09.000 Because he did have a big dick.

00:34:11.000 And it's still big by today's big dick standard.

00:34:16.000 No doubt.

00:34:16.000 But as far as black guys having big dicks in porn, I think that's a form of porn racism.

00:34:28.000 And I'll tell you why.

00:34:30.000 I think if you show up onto a porn set as a black guy with a medium-sized cock, fair to middling, you know, I got six and a half inches here, they send you packing.

00:34:42.000 They're like, we don't need black guys with small cocks.

00:34:45.000 We only need black guys with big cocks.

00:34:47.000 We can take a white guy with a medium cock, but we can't take a black guy.

00:34:52.000 Why bother getting fucked by a black guy if the guy's got a medium cock?

00:34:56.000 You see what I'm saying?

00:34:57.000 I think they're discriminated against.

00:34:59.000 So I think we think the only huge cock we've seen is in porn.

00:35:03.000 It's on black guys.

00:35:05.000 They won't let average-sized cocked black men in.

00:35:08.000 And I dream of a future where my children can watch pornography and see black guys with medium-sized cocks, you know, balls deep, and junky coked-up blondes.

00:35:22.000 Hear, hear.

00:35:22.000 Yeah.

00:35:23.000 That's a future to wish for.

00:35:25.000 Yeah.

00:35:25.000 Do you remember, you were talking about Ricky Rackman earlier, do you remember the Conway and Steckler show?

00:35:30.000 Mm-hmm.

00:35:31.000 That was a great show, right?

00:35:32.000 Yeah, I love Conway and Steckler, yeah.

00:35:33.000 And didn't Ricky Rackman punch Steckler?

00:35:36.000 Steckler the old dude?

00:35:37.000 Oh, yeah, I think he did.

00:35:39.000 Because Steckler used to, like, mock his show.

00:35:41.000 They would make fun of his show.

00:35:43.000 I think I did, yes.

00:35:46.000 He had, like, the Triple R Ricky Rackman radio or something like that.

00:35:51.000 And there was a lot of that back in the day.

00:35:55.000 Like, way back in the day when Kimmel was...

00:35:58.000 When we were doing mornings, not me and him, but on Kevin and Bean, and he was making fun of somebody.

00:36:06.000 This guy...

00:36:07.000 This guy came into the studio and just started choking him.

00:36:11.000 Whoa.

00:36:12.000 Like, literally just...

00:36:14.000 Tried to throttle him.

00:36:16.000 For no reason?

00:36:17.000 Just he heard him on the air?

00:36:18.000 Like...

00:36:20.000 You know, the thing about radio is it was real-time, and it was back in the day, and I'd had situations where I'd, like, said, you know, David Arquette's nuts.

00:36:33.000 He's insane.

00:36:34.000 I think he should be institutionalized and shit like that.

00:36:37.000 And then, like, walked out of the studio during a commercial break, and David Arquette is standing there.

00:37:04.000 Was he mad or was he laughing?

00:37:08.000 Yeah.

00:37:08.000 He was both, which I've had a few times.

00:37:12.000 It's just an insane thing.

00:37:14.000 It's like you pick a random celebrity, talk about how nutty you think they are, and then 10 minutes later, open that door and they're standing there.

00:37:23.000 Yeah, I've always worried that I run into Steven Dorff and I have to explain that I was only joking about his fucking commercial.

00:37:29.000 Like, I don't really hate you, dude.

00:37:31.000 Yeah, those dorky commercials.

00:37:33.000 But you know they're dorky, man.

00:37:34.000 If they weren't your commercials, you'd be mocking them, too.

00:37:36.000 Cut the shit.

00:37:37.000 I... I liked him in Blade.

00:37:39.000 He was awesome in Blade.

00:37:40.000 I've had...

00:37:41.000 Listen, I... You know, the idea that...

00:37:47.000 First off, I don't know how you are, but...

00:37:50.000 People send me shit all the time.

00:37:52.000 They're like, oh, check out Andy Kindler talking all kinds of shit about you, calling you Hitler and this, that, and the other.

00:37:59.000 Here's a link.

00:38:01.000 Listen to it.

00:38:02.000 And I just go...

00:38:04.000 Why do I need to go to a link where someone is talking shit about me?

00:38:09.000 I'm not interested in that.

00:38:11.000 Most people have a morbid curiosity about it.

00:38:15.000 I'm sure that there are plenty of people that call me an asshole or who think I'm an asshole or both.

00:38:23.000 I'm not interested in stopping them from doing it or curing them of that problem.

00:38:30.000 I don't know how you feel.

00:38:32.000 I don't seek anything out about myself because I know with a ratio of 10 positive things to one shitty thing, and if the one shitty thing is going to fuck your day up, don't bother putting your name in the Google search and seeing what's coming up.

00:38:52.000 But I assume people...

00:38:55.000 Are saying shitty things about me all the time.

00:38:58.000 Well, some most certainly will.

00:39:01.000 Especially if you're out in the public eye.

00:39:02.000 And it's definitely a good idea.

00:39:04.000 I think I agree with you 100%.

00:39:05.000 Don't go searching negative shit about yourself.

00:39:08.000 It's not fun.

00:39:10.000 But David Arquette was in his car, right?

00:39:12.000 So he just heard you.

00:39:13.000 It's kind of funny what he did.

00:39:15.000 It was funny, yeah.

00:39:16.000 It was perfect because we were in Culver City.

00:39:21.000 You have to sort of know the lay of the land out here.

00:39:24.000 We were in Culver City.

00:39:26.000 He had gone to a Lakers game.

00:39:28.000 I guess it's a staple center.

00:39:30.000 He was driving back to where him and Courtney Cox live in Malibu.

00:39:36.000 He had a town car.

00:39:39.000 The Lakers game ended at, you know, 10 o'clock and Loveline started at 10 o'clock.

00:39:45.000 And he was in his town car at 10.20, driving past...

00:39:50.000 I mean, Culver City was...

00:39:52.000 I think?

00:40:14.000 Yes.

00:40:14.000 That's good.

00:40:15.000 Yes, it did not end in a violent...

00:40:17.000 He's got to know he comes off like a fucking nut.

00:40:19.000 That's part of his shtick, right?

00:40:20.000 Isn't it?

00:40:21.000 A guy who, you know, like, half of his thing is talking about how fucking crazy his life is, and he knows he comes off kind of crazy.

00:40:28.000 I don't get...

00:40:30.000 I mean, I've had this happen a few times where I've, like, said, well, this person's nuts, and then it's like, ooh, they're pissed off, you call them nuts, and it's like...

00:40:38.000 It's Marilyn Manson.

00:40:40.000 How do you think they're perceived?

00:40:42.000 You know what I mean?

00:40:43.000 Well, Andy Dick got mad at me for talking about how crazy he was on the set of news radio.

00:40:48.000 Andy, that's you.

00:40:50.000 That's the whole thing that you've put out there.

00:40:53.000 You put out that you're crazy.

00:40:55.000 Right.

00:40:55.000 He's a hilarious guy, but he's clearly nuts.

00:40:58.000 And not only that, but there's...

00:41:01.000 Files and files and files and whatever municipality police department there is of you doing things that were clearly behavior that would not be considered sane behavior.

00:41:14.000 We have a rich history of being nuts.

00:41:17.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:41:18.000 Why not just own it?

00:41:19.000 Own it.

00:41:20.000 But, you know, I think he's one of those guys that's like constantly in a rebirthing process.

00:41:24.000 Constantly like, this is it.

00:41:26.000 Every time I run into him, he's like, that's it, I'm sober.

00:41:29.000 I'm done.

00:41:29.000 Now I'm done.

00:41:30.000 I'm done.

00:41:31.000 Right, right.

00:41:31.000 The last time I ran into him, he was sober and he said he couldn't promise he would stay sober.

00:41:36.000 Right.

00:41:37.000 I'm like, wow, you should never be able to say that.

00:41:39.000 Because if you can't convince yourself, it's never going to happen.

00:41:44.000 It's...

00:41:45.000 It's too bad, too, because I always think of him as a very talented dude who just has so many inner whatever's going on that he's never fully able to realize that talent because of all the other extraneous,

00:42:03.000 external sort of things that were going on inside of him.

00:42:06.000 On the other hand, you kind of go, well...

00:42:10.000 That is who he is.

00:42:12.000 I mean, that is why we know of him.

00:42:14.000 But you wonder, and you think, you know, what does the future hold?

00:42:20.000 You know, all that stuff is, it's like a chick.

00:42:23.000 It's great being drunk and crazy and stupid and hot and 25, but at a certain point, you're going to turn 50. What is that like at that point?

00:42:34.000 Yeah.

00:42:35.000 Well, I think Andy was brilliant on news radio.

00:42:37.000 One of the reasons why is because he was more reined in.

00:42:40.000 It was his first big gig.

00:42:41.000 It was NBC. He couldn't get too nutty.

00:42:45.000 They were writing for him.

00:42:46.000 They were brilliant writers.

00:42:47.000 They knew how to craft something for him.

00:42:50.000 I agree.

00:42:51.000 He's a very talented guy.

00:42:52.000 But one of the reasons why he's so funny is most likely in response to those demons.

00:42:57.000 Sure.

00:42:59.000 There's a yin and a yang to everything.

00:43:02.000 There's something that makes him that way, and whatever it is, he doesn't always have a good grip on it.

00:43:08.000 No, but it'd be nice because he's a nice guy and he's a talented guy.

00:43:15.000 Yes, he's definitely a nice guy and a talented guy.

00:43:17.000 He's just fucking crazy.

00:43:18.000 Yeah, okay.

00:43:19.000 What are you going to do?

00:43:20.000 We live in a crazy place.

00:43:21.000 Last time I spoke to you, you were thinking about getting out of here.

00:43:23.000 We were talking about Seattle.

00:43:25.000 Yeah.

00:43:26.000 But you were saying it's just too rainy because you like cars.

00:43:29.000 Yeah.

00:43:29.000 Have you given any thought to escaping from L.A.? I've...

00:43:33.000 You know, it's funny.

00:43:36.000 I travel so much, I almost feel like I don't live here anyway.

00:43:42.000 It's tough because I'm so ensconced in this...

00:43:50.000 Podcasting world and production world and working on all these various projects, independent films, working on a Paul Newman racing documentary and all that kind of stuff.

00:44:01.000 I like to go out and race my cars and all that kind of stuff.

00:44:04.000 And it just seems almost impossible to do somewhere else.

00:44:08.000 But then you go to these other places and you see how people interact and you think, God, we don't have that in LA at all.

00:44:17.000 Well, we have a little bit of it in L.A., but L.A. inexorably is framed by show business.

00:44:24.000 That's what it is.

00:44:26.000 And there's so many people that even if they don't have a job in show business, at one point in time had show biz aspirations.

00:44:34.000 You and I are both in show biz, so I'm not knocking people that are doing what we do.

00:44:39.000 What I'm saying is that the majority of people who want to do it A lot of times they do it from a deficit.

00:44:46.000 They do it because they need attention, they need validation, they need something.

00:44:50.000 That's where I came from, for sure, but it manifested itself in a good way.

00:44:54.000 It manifested itself in a career and a life and an understanding of myself by working and creating things.

00:45:00.000 Did you feel you needed validation?

00:45:20.000 To be sitting in some sort of a fucking cubicle, having some sort of a job in an office, it was like I would literally feel like a rat in a cage.

00:45:26.000 I would go crazy.

00:45:27.000 I would never be able to pull it off.

00:45:29.000 So I knew it was going to have to be something alternative, something outside the norm.

00:45:33.000 I was just raised too nuts.

00:45:35.000 And I did martial arts.

00:45:36.000 All I did was from age 15 to 21 was compete in martial arts tournaments.

00:45:41.000 So my reality was so fucked and compared to a regular person.

00:45:46.000 Assimilation had never taken hold.

00:45:48.000 I was in big trouble if I didn't find something like stand-up comedy.

00:45:52.000 But I think a lot of the people that come here, they come here with something like that.

00:45:56.000 There's some reason why they've chosen this.

00:45:59.000 But a lot of them are trying to define themselves through their success and they're trying to be somebody.

00:46:06.000 They're trying to...

00:46:08.000 And to be around a lot of people like that is fucking exhausting.

00:46:11.000 Some of them are great.

00:46:12.000 All my friends live here.

00:46:13.000 That's the thing that keeps me here.

00:46:15.000 Guys like Joey Diaz and Eddie Bravo and all these pals that I've had for decades, they're all here.

00:46:20.000 So it would make it less enjoyable if I lived somewhere else.

00:46:24.000 Well, you know, what I was saying, when you go and you travel somewhere and you go into a restaurant, the waiter, the waitress, the bartender...

00:46:36.000 That's what they do for a living.

00:46:38.000 And they've made their peace with that.

00:46:41.000 And maybe they're even proud of it.

00:46:44.000 And maybe they've found some skill in it.

00:46:47.000 And that's what they do.

00:46:51.000 Here, the waiter, the waitress, the bartender, that's not what they want to do.

00:46:56.000 This is only what they're doing temporarily until they can get some gig on a reality show or whatever it is.

00:47:03.000 And obviously...

00:47:05.000 Their work suffers because you have a lot of people that are passing through.

00:47:10.000 I feel like L.A. is one of the trashiest towns in the world because people, certainly in the United States...

00:47:24.000 Hollywood, physically, is a very trashy town.

00:47:27.000 Trashy in what way?

00:47:28.000 Trash on the ground.

00:47:30.000 I mean it literally.

00:47:32.000 There's a lot of graffiti, a lot of weeds growing everywhere.

00:47:35.000 A lot of garbage.

00:47:37.000 When you go to Phoenix, it doesn't look like that.

00:47:39.000 That's a good point.

00:47:40.000 When you go to Seattle, it doesn't look like that.

00:47:43.000 Why is that?

00:47:45.000 Well, to me, LA is a bunch of people who are treating their city like you treat a rental car.

00:47:53.000 You know, you treat your car one way.

00:47:56.000 That's your car.

00:47:57.000 The rental car?

00:47:58.000 Eh, listen.

00:47:59.000 Do you want to light up a cigarette or eat some fast food or end up spilling a Slurpee or something?

00:48:04.000 It's like, so be it.

00:48:05.000 You know?

00:48:07.000 That's kind of how they feel.

00:48:08.000 And it's funny.

00:48:10.000 It's interesting.

00:48:11.000 L.A. is one of the only towns, like, if you go to Chicago and you go, hey, man, this town's a piece of shit.

00:48:21.000 Yeah.

00:48:21.000 People will go like, fuck you.

00:48:23.000 First off, get the fuck out of here.

00:48:25.000 And secondly, we're going to throw down.

00:48:27.000 And are you kidding?

00:48:28.000 The bars, the nightlife, the river, the skyline.

00:48:31.000 Fuck the bears, the cubs, Wrigley.

00:48:34.000 Fuck you.

00:48:35.000 You go to L.A. and go, L.A.'s a piece of shit.

00:48:38.000 You got a lot of people going, yeah, I know.

00:48:40.000 Sorry.

00:48:41.000 I know.

00:48:42.000 Sucks.

00:48:43.000 What are you going to do?

00:48:44.000 There's too many people here.

00:48:45.000 Yes.

00:48:45.000 That's another reason why it's too hectic.

00:48:48.000 It's just the numbers are too crazy.

00:48:49.000 New York is not that funny either in a lot of ways.

00:48:53.000 Last time I went through New York, I went through security, and the woman at TSA was so hostile.

00:48:58.000 I know.

00:48:58.000 In a way that you very rarely see in L.A. or anywhere else.

00:49:02.000 I'm like, this is just a person who deals with too many human beings.

00:49:05.000 Yes.

00:49:05.000 I didn't say anything to you that's rude.

00:49:07.000 Like, why?

00:49:08.000 No, I know.

00:49:10.000 I know.

00:49:10.000 Did you ever...

00:49:12.000 Think, Joe, as a kid, you know, as a kid, you thought about being an adult.

00:49:20.000 And you thought, well, once I'm an adult, I'm going to be a man.

00:49:26.000 And I'm going to be treated a certain way.

00:49:29.000 And, you know, kids will have to listen to me.

00:49:31.000 I'll be someone's dad.

00:49:33.000 I'll be the boss.

00:49:34.000 You know, I'll be...

00:49:35.000 I'm not saying I'm going to be Donald Trump.

00:49:37.000 What I'm saying is you'll be adult.

00:49:38.000 You'll be a man.

00:49:39.000 Did you ever think that people were going to do a super sing-songy, condescending thing to you as an adult male going, Sir, take all the change out of your pockets.

00:49:51.000 Completely empty the pockets.

00:49:53.000 That means chapstick.

00:49:54.000 That means change.

00:49:56.000 Keys, pocket knives, anything, combs, wallets.

00:50:00.000 Sir, is your belt on, sir?

00:50:02.000 Sir, take your belt off.

00:50:04.000 Did you ever think you were going to have semi-retarded 28-year-olds with fucking GEDs talk to you in a real condescending, sing-songy voice when you became a man and an adult?

00:50:16.000 I can't believe it.

00:50:17.000 I can't believe it every time it happens.

00:50:19.000 It's so annoying and so stupid.

00:50:21.000 And I understand that some people have never flown before and they need to be told all these things.

00:50:25.000 You should be able to wear like a green sticker with a star on it.

00:50:28.000 Right.

00:50:28.000 Hey, I've been here before.

00:50:29.000 Don't talk to me, dummy.

00:50:30.000 Right.

00:50:31.000 Oh, sir, you've flown before?

00:50:32.000 Here you go, Mr. Crowell.

00:50:33.000 Put this on your shirt.

00:50:34.000 They're not allowed to talk to you at TSA then.

00:50:35.000 I was on a fucking flight.

00:50:37.000 I was on a Southwest flight yesterday.

00:50:39.000 This is a non-smoking flight.

00:50:41.000 It is 100% non-smoking.

00:50:45.000 It's prohibited to smoke on this flight.

00:50:48.000 Smoking in the lavatory will not be tolerated.

00:50:51.000 Tampering with disabling or destroying the lavatory smoke detector...

00:50:55.000 Hey cunt, we get it.

00:50:57.000 No smoking.

00:50:59.000 It's not her fault though.

00:51:00.000 They have to say that.

00:51:00.000 You said it 28 fucking times.

00:51:03.000 I turned to the person next to me and I said, we have covered 14 versions of no smoking on this flight.

00:51:12.000 By the way, you can say no smoking on this flight and that to me doesn't mean, well, you didn't say I couldn't smoke in the bathroom.

00:51:22.000 That means no smoking.

00:51:23.000 We understand.

00:51:24.000 It's 2014. Or you would just say including in the bathroom and you're done.

00:51:29.000 Say no smoking on this airplane.

00:51:31.000 How about that?

00:51:32.000 But anyway, it's funny.

00:51:34.000 I turned to the guy next to me and I said, this bitch did five laps on smoking.

00:51:41.000 But when it came to the oxygen part on the mask, we only did one lap on that.

00:51:46.000 So it's like the no smoking, no shit Sherlock thing, I got fucking 10 minutes of sing-songy bullshit on that.

00:51:54.000 The part where there could be an actual emergency and I needed to breathe out of this thing, she blew right past that part.

00:52:00.000 And I thought, well, where's your priorities?

00:52:02.000 Well, those people, again, they meet too many fucking people.

00:52:05.000 Yes.

00:52:06.000 There's just too much going.

00:52:07.000 They don't value that interaction.

00:52:09.000 It's not a special interaction.

00:52:10.000 They're saying it for the 500,000th time.

00:52:14.000 The lady in New York, I was with my family, and I gave her my ID, my wife's ID, and we had our daughters with us.

00:52:21.000 We gave their tickets, so I gave her like four tickets, or five tickets and two licenses.

00:52:28.000 And so she looks at it and she goes, I don't know who's who.

00:52:31.000 I don't know what goes where.

00:52:32.000 And I said, whoa, whoa.

00:52:33.000 I go, why are you being hostile?

00:52:35.000 She goes, this isn't hostile.

00:52:36.000 If you want to see hostile, I'll show you hostile.

00:52:38.000 And I go, I would love to see hostile.

00:52:40.000 Show me hostile.

00:52:42.000 Your Jewish accent is horrible, by the way.

00:52:45.000 I'm just trying to be diplomatic.

00:52:47.000 Yeah, I know.

00:52:49.000 But the hostile thing.

00:52:51.000 I was like, wow, this is crazy talk.

00:52:55.000 What are you doing?

00:52:56.000 Is this because you're a badass?

00:52:58.000 Or is it because you're in a position of power?

00:53:00.000 Why the fuck do you think you can say, that's not hostile, if you want to see hostile?

00:53:05.000 What makes you think you're not going to get brained right now?

00:53:07.000 Are you fucking crazy?

00:53:09.000 You're talking shitty to a person for no reason, saying, I'll show you hostile.

00:53:14.000 Also, it needs to be...

00:53:16.000 These folks, whether it's TSA or LAPD or whoever, these folks need to be reminded who the fuck they work for.

00:53:28.000 They work for us.

00:53:31.000 Someone needs to tell them they work for us.

00:53:34.000 Yeah, but they don't.

00:53:35.000 We're not working for them.

00:53:36.000 They work for the TSA, and the TSA is the government, and the government thinks it's separate from us.

00:53:40.000 Right.

00:53:41.000 I should point out, too, that most of the time that never happens.

00:53:43.000 Most of the time I go there, how you doing?

00:53:45.000 Good morning, how you doing today?

00:53:46.000 Everything's good, how you doing?

00:53:47.000 And everything's fine.

00:53:49.000 99.99999%.

00:53:51.000 But New York is the place where I've found more hostility dealing with those people than anywhere.

00:53:56.000 Yeah, so LA is probably second.

00:53:59.000 But not that fast.

00:53:59.000 When you travel through Oklahoma, you go, how are you doing?

00:54:03.000 How are y'all doing?

00:54:04.000 Where are you heading?

00:54:05.000 Have a safe flight.

00:54:06.000 Yeah, it's a totally different vibe.

00:54:08.000 They just seem disinterested in LA, but they don't seem hostile.

00:54:11.000 I've never encountered hostility in LA. No, it's aloof and sort of distant, and it's this thing where you have an exchange with another human being, We're good to go.

00:54:47.000 And then they look down again, and then they hand it to you, and then you walk away.

00:54:51.000 But they don't say, enjoy your flight.

00:54:54.000 You go to Oklahoma, they say, enjoy your flight.

00:54:57.000 In LA, you don't even know what they wrote on your ticket.

00:54:59.000 Like, this might be bad.

00:55:01.000 Check his underwear.

00:55:03.000 I don't think they know what they wrote on the ticket.

00:55:05.000 They're writing their name down, right?

00:55:07.000 It's their sign.

00:55:07.000 I'm telling you, their fifth member Led Zeppelin.

00:55:09.000 And if the guy gets through and he's got a fake ID, maybe they get in trouble.

00:55:13.000 Like, look at this fucking ID. How did you not notice it was fake ID? It's got your signature on the ticket.

00:55:18.000 Well, it's your mark, Zozo, or whatever it is.

00:55:23.000 You know, they're very official with people.

00:55:24.000 Like, sir, here please, put your things in the bin, take your keys out of your wallet.

00:55:28.000 They stick with official, but sometimes they'll break.

00:55:31.000 And in LA, they broke pattern.

00:55:34.000 They were talking about a basketball game.

00:55:35.000 And these three guys, the guy who was working the x-ray machine, and then the two guards, one of them that's in front of the people thing, where the people x-ray go through, and then the other one was on the other side watching the rollers.

00:55:49.000 And they're all going back and forth about, oh, Kobe, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and this and that.

00:55:53.000 He ain't got no free throw shot.

00:55:54.000 He ain't got no free...

00:55:55.000 What are you going to do with this...

00:55:57.000 Right.

00:55:57.000 And then, back to, sir, take your key phones out of your...

00:56:00.000 Like, wait a minute.

00:56:01.000 What are you talking about?

00:56:01.000 Take my keys out of my pocket.

00:56:03.000 Like, you guys aren't professional.

00:56:05.000 This isn't...

00:56:05.000 I just saw that.

00:56:07.000 The veil has been removed.

00:56:08.000 You guys are regular people.

00:56:09.000 I had the part where...

00:56:11.000 I had the guy, and it always drives me nuts.

00:56:13.000 I don't like when they say, for me.

00:56:16.000 Like, I don't mind when they go...

00:56:18.000 Could you fasten your seatbelt, sir?

00:56:21.000 Or could you take your keys out of your pocket and put it in the tray?

00:56:25.000 But I don't like when they go, for me?

00:56:27.000 Can you fasten your seatbelt for me?

00:56:28.000 I had a guy, when I was traveling through Burbank, he needed to take the wand to me.

00:56:34.000 So he said, could you go ahead and turn around for me, sir?

00:56:38.000 And I started to turn around, and he went, real quick?

00:56:42.000 And I was like...

00:56:43.000 First off, real quick, I'm halfway into turning around, so you have about another.7 seconds before I arrive at turned around, number one.

00:56:53.000 Number two, if I did it real quick, you'd probably pepper spray me.

00:56:57.000 He said, could you go ahead and turn around for me real quick, sir?

00:57:00.000 And I just fucking flew around like I was throwing a crescent kick or something.

00:57:04.000 He'd fucking tackle me.

00:57:05.000 So I don't want to do it real quick.

00:57:08.000 They don't mean that, though.

00:57:10.000 No, they're making extra talk.

00:57:11.000 Well, yeah, real quick always means, like, it ain't gonna be a big deal to you.

00:57:15.000 I always see it as, like, this one won't take much of your time, Mr. Carolla.

00:57:20.000 Can you turn around real quick?

00:57:21.000 No, you know what I've realized?

00:57:23.000 I realized a long time ago that cops and security guards do filler talk, and they do filler talk so that you won't talk to them.

00:57:39.000 So if a cop pulls you over and goes, license and ID, please.

00:57:49.000 License and registration, please.

00:57:51.000 And then just sits there.

00:57:53.000 You'll start going, hey man, what would I do?

00:57:57.000 Or I was just keeping up the flow of traffic.

00:58:00.000 But instead, they always come up and they go, sir, what I'm going to need you to do for me right now is go ahead and get your license and registration out for me.

00:58:07.000 Okay, right now.

00:58:08.000 And meanwhile, they're doing this kind of patter that doesn't mean anything.

00:58:12.000 What I'm going to need you to do for me right now is to go ahead and get your license.

00:58:17.000 Right.

00:58:34.000 They don't want to hear that bullshit.

00:58:35.000 So they just keep that low-grade talk going because it's only the cops that do the for me right now and a lot of preamble into what I'm going to have to ask you to do for me right now is to go ahead and get your license and okay right now.

00:58:52.000 Like...

00:58:53.000 Do you ever speak that way to anybody?

00:58:55.000 I mean, if I wanted you to pass me the salt, would I go, Joe, what I'm going to have to go ahead and do is ask you to pass me the salt okay right now?

00:59:04.000 Or when I just say, pass me the salt.

00:59:06.000 I feel like I can't hang out with Adam anymore.

00:59:08.000 It's just too many words.

00:59:10.000 Low-grade cop talk.

00:59:11.000 Yeah.

00:59:12.000 I'm convinced they talk so you don't go, what?

00:59:15.000 Why am I turning around?

00:59:16.000 What's this mean?

00:59:17.000 I didn't do anything.

00:59:18.000 Yeah, most likely.

00:59:20.000 I mean, people...

00:59:21.000 I'm very sympathetic to cops.

00:59:23.000 First of all, because I know a lot of good cops.

00:59:25.000 I know a lot of cops that I like.

00:59:26.000 Guys from martial arts and...

00:59:29.000 I also know that you've got to cut people a certain amount of slack when all day, every day, they're dealing with people that are lying to them.

00:59:38.000 Dealing with douchebags, dealing with violent people, dealing with people committing crimes.

00:59:43.000 Cops have one of the worst fucking focus groups ever to pick from.

00:59:47.000 If you ask a cop...

00:59:49.000 Like, what's a human being like?

00:59:51.000 Oh, let me tell you what I experience at my job.

00:59:54.000 You know, and ask someone who's a massage therapist, what's a human being like?

00:59:57.000 Oh, they seem pleasant, you know, sometimes they're tense.

01:00:00.000 I know, listen, my sister worked at a hair salon in Silver Lake in the 80s on Hyperion Boulevard.

01:00:11.000 It's like the gayest section of Los Angeles.

01:00:15.000 And I said to her many years ago, I said, what percentage of guys do you think are gay?

01:00:21.000 And she's like, 80%?

01:00:24.000 Of all guys everywhere gay.

01:00:26.000 She wasn't great at math, but in her world, it was 115% were gay.

01:00:31.000 So I think she knocked off like 35%, went rounded down to 80%.

01:00:36.000 Well, that's her world.

01:00:38.000 Yeah.

01:00:39.000 In her world, everyone is gay.

01:00:41.000 That's a great analogy.

01:00:42.000 And it's that with cops.

01:00:43.000 Like, what percentage of people are assholes?

01:00:46.000 90%?

01:00:47.000 Yeah.

01:00:47.000 You know, because that's who they're dealing with versus massage therapists.

01:00:51.000 But I always had this feeling...

01:00:55.000 I always said that cop suicides are always really...

01:01:00.000 Yeah, very high.

01:01:01.000 Very high?

01:01:01.000 Yeah.

01:01:03.000 Stress.

01:01:04.000 But no, here's my theory.

01:01:06.000 It's kind of my black cock and porn theory.

01:01:09.000 I have a feeling that if I walked around and had a gun on me at all times...

01:01:16.000 I would have killed myself 15 times by now.

01:01:19.000 Really?

01:01:20.000 Yeah.

01:01:20.000 I just feel like if you put a gun on a guy's hip, most guys, guys that have that feeling of your girlfriend dumped me, literally...

01:01:33.000 You walked into your apartment and saw your best buddy balls deep in your girlfriend, and then you walked out back to the car and just fucking sat there with that thousand-yard stare, and they realized there was a gun on your fucking hip.

01:01:47.000 A lot of guys would have just put it in their mouth.

01:01:49.000 A lot of guys would go back there and shoot the both of them first.

01:01:51.000 Or shoot the both of them, and then put the gun in your mouth.

01:01:54.000 I'm just saying...

01:01:55.000 The modality for killing yourself, being strapped onto your hip 24-7, is going to put the likelihood of you killing yourself.

01:02:05.000 I mean, what have you just said...

01:02:08.000 Here's what a guy does.

01:02:09.000 Oh, he stands next to the edge of really tall bridges.

01:02:13.000 Those guys would have a much higher likelihood of killing themselves too because every fucking time they heard a piece of bad news, a certain percentage of them would step off it, right?

01:02:23.000 A certain percentage.

01:02:24.000 I think...

01:02:26.000 A certain percentage of cops, suicide, you know, everyone talks, oh, it's a stressful job and all what they see in depression, blah, blah, blah.

01:02:34.000 A lot of it is having a suicide machine strapped to your hip all the fucking time.

01:02:40.000 I've never thought of it that way.

01:02:42.000 It's got to up the ante a little bit, right?

01:02:44.000 Most certainly.

01:02:45.000 It's the trigger out, literally.

01:02:47.000 It's right here on your hip.

01:02:49.000 By law, even when you're on your days off, that shit's got to be there.

01:02:54.000 Ooh.

01:02:56.000 Yeah, I guess, you know, I've never thought about killing myself, so I kind of, when I say I relate, I don't.

01:03:05.000 You know, I've always been of the idea that life will eventually get better, as we talked about before.

01:03:11.000 You know, I've never thought, but I've never had, like, a mental depression issue that I have friends who clearly have.

01:03:18.000 I have friends that had real deep, unquestionable chemical problems, and they cured it through antidepressants.

01:03:26.000 But I've never had that.

01:03:27.000 So I don't understand that thought process, the kill yourself thought process.

01:03:31.000 But I've seen it enough to know that I wouldn't want everybody to have a gun strapped to their hip.

01:03:37.000 I think you're right.

01:03:38.000 I think a lot of people would make that fatal mistake.

01:03:41.000 Especially, we were talking earlier about being a dude and being 24 and just making really bad snap decisions.

01:03:51.000 Murder would go up for sure, I think.

01:03:54.000 Or, you know, maybe eventually it would mellow out.

01:03:57.000 The old adage of a well-armed society is a polite society.

01:04:01.000 Right.

01:04:01.000 But there's that expression, I don't remember who made it, but it's that when you, all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

01:04:08.000 Yeah.

01:04:09.000 There's no diplomatic solution available because you're carrying a.44 Magnum in your pocket.

01:04:14.000 Well, that's my feeling with shit like, you know, I mean, when I was doing the man show, one of the riders got a hold of one of those tasers, those like electric tasers, not the serious cop ones.

01:04:31.000 A personal size one?

01:04:32.000 I have been hit by one of those serious cop ones, but the personal kind of mail order ones...

01:04:38.000 Right.

01:04:39.000 He tased every fucking person in the building, you know?

01:04:42.000 I mean...

01:04:43.000 How bad was it when he tased you?

01:04:45.000 It's uncomfortable, but it's, you know...

01:04:47.000 It's like, ow!

01:04:48.000 Yeah, that's what it is.

01:04:50.000 But the point is, if you're walking around with pepper spray on your belt, You are going to fucking use that pepper spray at some point.

01:05:00.000 Yeah.

01:05:00.000 I mean, most people would.

01:05:03.000 Yeah.

01:05:03.000 It's almost the having it that makes you use it.

01:05:08.000 Right.

01:05:08.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:05:09.000 Right, right, right.

01:05:09.000 And it's that kind of...

01:05:15.000 I like the idea of people being able to protect themselves.

01:05:20.000 I also feel like you walk around with a gun strapped to your hip long enough, it's coming out at some point.

01:05:28.000 Whereas you and I don't walk around with a gun, so we'd probably figure out a way other than that to resolve this issue.

01:05:36.000 Well, it certainly takes a deep responsibility.

01:05:40.000 You have to have a deep understanding of the responsibility that you carry.

01:05:44.000 And you carry it around all the time.

01:05:46.000 This ability to end life like that.

01:05:49.000 And you're carrying it everywhere you go.

01:05:51.000 And anybody who's been out shooting, and I've been out shooting...

01:05:56.000 To feel what a.44 feels like in your hand and then squeezing off and just the recoil and everything, it's powerful.

01:06:05.000 Unbelievable.

01:06:05.000 You couldn't imagine pointing that at somebody and squeezing the trigger.

01:06:10.000 The people that do that on either side of the badge, the people that do that sort of routinely or cavalierly, you know, the people that do the, I asked the guy for his wallet and he wouldn't give it to me, so I shot him.

01:06:25.000 It seems insane because if you've actually gone down to a range and just felt that power and that responsibility and just the recoil, the kickback, and the sort of visceral whatever firing off a few rounds from that.44,

01:06:45.000 You couldn't imagine pointing it at somebody and squeezing that trigger.

01:06:49.000 Well, it's kind of interesting.

01:06:50.000 I am 100% for people being allowed to possess firearms.

01:06:56.000 But I also am 100% shocked that more firearm deaths and accidents don't happen.

01:07:05.000 If you think of the idea that all these people around us Millions of people around us can legally have guns, and if they legally have guns, how come we're not hearing, pow, pow, pow, guns going off left and right?

01:07:17.000 People are retarded.

01:07:18.000 I'm shocked every time I get on the highway, and I'm amazed that people can go 70 miles an hour a couple of feet away from another thing going 70 miles an hour, and they don't just fucking slam into each other left and right, back and forth.

01:07:31.000 It's a constant maze of accidents.

01:07:33.000 Yeah, no, I think that same way every time I drive, and I think the same way when I hear that, you know, there's a gun, you know, however many guns are in circulation in the United States, there's basically one for every citizen that's out there,

01:07:50.000 and we all know about...

01:07:53.000 I think?

01:08:16.000 Yeah, it's kind of amazing when you think about it.

01:08:19.000 And it's also amazing how many fucking people there are out there that are going through problems that keep it together.

01:08:26.000 There's a lot of people out there, their life is shit and turmoil, and they still manage to get to work every day, do their fucking job, and pull out of the ashes.

01:08:36.000 We concentrate on the people that just go, fuck this, boom!

01:08:39.000 But how many people think about going fuck this and make it?

01:08:43.000 And figured out, and then 10 years later, hey, 10 years ago, my life was in a shambles.

01:08:49.000 I was ready to kill myself.

01:08:50.000 Now, look at me.

01:08:51.000 I'm happy.

01:08:52.000 I'm doing great.

01:08:53.000 I've got a family.

01:08:54.000 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

01:08:55.000 Thank God I was thrown out of the police academy.

01:08:57.000 I would have killed myself.

01:08:59.000 Yeah.

01:08:59.000 Yeah, so whatever it is.

01:09:02.000 Whatever it is that allows people to pull through.

01:09:04.000 I mean, I'm all for it because I think we're all people.

01:09:07.000 I know that you can handle driving a car, and I know that I can handle driving a car.

01:09:12.000 But I also know that some people are going to drive drunk, fucked up, go 120 miles an hour, slam into other people, and kill people.

01:09:21.000 So if that person exists, should we keep that right from everybody?

01:09:24.000 No.

01:09:24.000 I say no.

01:09:25.000 I say people should be allowed to drive cars until they show that they're a danger driving a car.

01:09:30.000 Unfortunately, there's only one way to do that.

01:09:32.000 You've got to fuck up somebody else's time.

01:09:34.000 Right.

01:09:35.000 You've got to fuck up.

01:09:35.000 And that's the real issue.

01:09:37.000 It's like...

01:09:39.000 The amount of actual cars driving in comparison to the amount of fatal accidents is fucking insanely high.

01:09:46.000 Insanely high.

01:09:47.000 I mean, the odds of you driving around and not having a fatal accident are pretty fucking sporty.

01:09:54.000 Right.

01:09:54.000 They're pretty sporty.

01:09:56.000 But...

01:09:58.000 When things do go wrong, people automatically look for the most drastic measure.

01:10:03.000 Like, we've got to take guns away from people.

01:10:05.000 We've got to pull the guns.

01:10:06.000 We've got to Google car everything.

01:10:08.000 No more driving your own car.

01:10:10.000 That's coming, Adam Carolla.

01:10:11.000 I know you're a car nut.

01:10:13.000 That Google car shit, once they get that down, there's going to be no reason for you to be able to weave in and out of Google cars and make it to work.

01:10:21.000 Well, you know, we...

01:10:24.000 I always say we're a bizarre society, and we should always just work big to small, and we don't.

01:10:32.000 Like, you take Los Angeles.

01:10:35.000 We're, you know, basically last in education.

01:10:39.000 Our schools...

01:10:40.000 Isn't that nuts?

01:10:41.000 It is nuts.

01:10:42.000 And our schools are failing our kids, and then you turn on the news, and they say, new legislation out of Sacramento wanting to ban e-cigarettes.

01:10:54.000 And you're like...

01:10:56.000 Sorry, Ethan Hawke, but the point...

01:11:00.000 Oh, no, wait.

01:11:00.000 Oh, Stephen Dorff.

01:11:02.000 The point is this.

01:11:03.000 Get those guys confused.

01:11:05.000 E-cigarettes.

01:11:06.000 Who the fuck cares about e-cigarettes?

01:11:09.000 Now, look...

01:11:10.000 I don't hope that my kids grow up to smoke e-cigarettes, but I don't give a fuck if there's some 45-year-old guy who's trying to get off the butts and is standing outside of his job smoking an e-cigarette, and I walk by and get a little fucking water vapor on my scalp.

01:11:30.000 I'm fine with that.

01:11:32.000 I would...

01:11:35.000 I wouldn't give a shit if everyone smoked an e-cigarette if we could get from 50th in education up into the top 20. I don't know why we have the worst traffic congestion on the planet and the worst schools in America and yet every piece of legislation is surrounded about fast food workers need to start wearing gloves to handle the food back in a I don't give a fuck about

01:12:05.000 that.

01:12:05.000 I don't give a fuck about e-cigarettes.

01:12:07.000 I don't know who does.

01:12:08.000 I don't know an individual that has ever been harmed by an e-cigarette.

01:12:14.000 I don't know an individual that's ever been harmed by a guy who works at Taco Bell making his fucking burrito by hand.

01:12:20.000 Everything I've eaten in my entire life that's come from a restaurant, some guy made with his hands.

01:12:25.000 I'm fucking fine.

01:12:26.000 What I don't like is the schools being last.

01:12:30.000 Why that's not an issue, I don't know.

01:12:32.000 I don't like both.

01:12:33.000 I don't like dudes with dirty hands making my tacos, and I don't like shitty schools.

01:12:38.000 Right.

01:12:38.000 But to me, if you give me a choice, and I'm in Sacramento, I'm going to focus on the schools, and when I get that settled, then I'm going to focus on the guy who's picking his nose and making my taquito.

01:12:50.000 But obviously the people that are bringing up this e-cigarette thing, it's coming from someone in the health department looking for another thing to do.

01:12:56.000 I mean, it's the only thing that makes sense.

01:12:58.000 It's like some new project to take on.

01:13:00.000 When you look at the actual effects of the second-hand vapor, it's non-existent.

01:13:05.000 There's nothing there.

01:13:05.000 There's no data.

01:13:06.000 There's nothing that shows it's dangerous.

01:13:08.000 The other problem, though, is those big fucking cannons that these dudes are carrying around.

01:13:12.000 People are carrying around these big, giant electric...

01:13:15.000 Like, Brian Redman had one.

01:13:16.000 And he was blowing it in here.

01:13:18.000 And I'm like, I'm breathing in that stuff.

01:13:20.000 That's not the same as one of those blue e-cigs.

01:13:24.000 Right.

01:13:24.000 All those things are not created equal, I don't think.

01:13:27.000 But think about what you're breathing in when...

01:13:32.000 We're good to go.

01:14:09.000 I'll take a fucking e-cigarette any day.

01:14:11.000 Another thing to think about is brake dust.

01:14:13.000 People don't think about brake dust.

01:14:15.000 Oh, yeah.

01:14:15.000 Brake dust is real.

01:14:16.000 Everywhere around you, everywhere you go when you see traffic, you have brake dust that's in the air.

01:14:21.000 People are hitting their brakes.

01:14:22.000 The brakes are disintegrating.

01:14:23.000 It's all over the wheels.

01:14:24.000 Whenever you clean your car, you know this.

01:14:26.000 You clean your wheel and you see all that black powder.

01:14:28.000 Well, that shit's not just stuck to your wheel.

01:14:30.000 It's in the air.

01:14:31.000 And people who live near highways, they're breathing that stuff in all fucking day.

01:14:37.000 By the way, the biggest manufacturer of brake pads is called Raybestos.

01:14:43.000 Oh no, what a terrible name.

01:14:45.000 I think they were around before asbestos was as bad as it is, but Raybestos.

01:14:50.000 Were they really?

01:14:51.000 They were brake pad manufacturers around before asbestos?

01:14:54.000 Well, no, before asbestos was bad.

01:14:57.000 Oh, before it was bad.

01:14:58.000 And I think Raybestos, I mean, you've got to look it up on your computer, but I think it probably had asbestos in it.

01:15:05.000 I mean...

01:15:05.000 Because there's a ton of heat generated by the brakes.

01:15:09.000 Right, that makes sense.

01:15:10.000 And it needs to be something that is going to be heat resistant and, you know, not wear off.

01:15:16.000 It's not a chunk of rubber.

01:15:17.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:15:18.000 Huh, that's interesting.

01:15:20.000 It's interesting, too, that they haven't figured out anything better for a brake than a piston that slams a pad against a piece of steel that's next to your wheel.

01:15:29.000 It fucking gives you friction.

01:15:31.000 Yeah.

01:15:31.000 Incredible amounts of friction.

01:15:33.000 Slow that motherfucker down.

01:15:34.000 I mean, that's what they figured out for brakes.

01:15:36.000 I just got back from a vintage race last weekend, and I drove an old Datsun, and the brakes in the old Datsun, although they don't work nearly as good as the one in the new car, it's the exact same thing.

01:15:52.000 It's a piston, it's a pad.

01:15:54.000 Pushes down, hits a rotor, squeezes it, creates friction, and that's that.

01:16:01.000 Now, you know, but the steering wheel and the wheels and the internal combustion engine haven't changed.

01:16:07.000 Not much.

01:16:07.000 Either.

01:16:08.000 I mean, it's all the rear end and the transmission.

01:16:11.000 It's all a thousand times better in a new car.

01:16:15.000 Than it is in one of these old race cars, but it's still just same old, same old.

01:16:20.000 And the electronic suspensions, too.

01:16:21.000 The suspensions nowadays with stability management systems and traction control and all the different calculations the car is making as you're driving.

01:16:30.000 I was driving my wife's Audi and it applied the brake for me.

01:16:35.000 Why?

01:16:36.000 Because I was driving like a dick.

01:16:37.000 So it started slowing you down?

01:16:39.000 No, it said you're going to T-bone the car that's ahead of you.

01:16:43.000 Like, you're going to go up the ass of the car in front of you.

01:16:45.000 And I'm like, I know what I'm doing.

01:16:46.000 That's how I drive, you know?

01:16:48.000 And it's like, well, according to our data, you're going to hit this guy.

01:16:52.000 I just picked up my foot to put it on...

01:16:58.000 The brake pedal, and it popped out of my foot and depressed for me.

01:17:02.000 Wow.

01:17:03.000 So what the thing basically said was...

01:17:06.000 I was doing a show at the Irvine Improv, all the fucking traffic between here and there, and I had to be there at 8 o'clock or whatever, and I was trying to make some time just driving down the Hollywood Freeway, and so I was on it when there was a little opening,

01:17:23.000 and then brake lights, and this thing broke for me.

01:17:27.000 Wow.

01:17:28.000 And because I do a lot of driving, I'm used to just...

01:17:32.000 Doing it on my own, you know?

01:17:35.000 Did you see that controversy about that reporter?

01:17:40.000 What was the name?

01:17:41.000 Jeremy Cahill?

01:17:43.000 What the fuck was his name?

01:17:43.000 Who died.

01:17:45.000 He exposed a bunch of shit about General Petraeus and some other generals.

01:17:51.000 And he was just generally like a rabble-rouser type reporter.

01:17:55.000 And he was...

01:18:05.000 Oh, yeah.

01:18:22.000 Yeah, I do remember that story.

01:18:25.000 It kind of went away, didn't it?

01:18:28.000 Well, the thing is, everything just kind of goes away now because there's so much and everyone is broken off.

01:18:38.000 I don't know if we could have another Watergate because there's just too many people that are into their shit and there's...

01:18:52.000 You know, there used to be three news outlets, you know, the major three networks, whatever, the evening news, Walter Cronkite, whatever.

01:19:00.000 Now there's just so many outlets, so many stories, and so much that needs to feed that machine, you know, 24-hour news stations, outlets.

01:19:13.000 You've got to keep that shit You've got to keep those plates spinning.

01:19:17.000 And our attention span is just not long enough.

01:19:20.000 Yeah, there's always some new Malaysian airliner thing.

01:19:23.000 Right.

01:19:23.000 And we just don't care.

01:19:26.000 Yeah.

01:19:26.000 And I mean, ultimately, we're sort of narcissists.

01:19:29.000 But then secondly, there's just something new to replace something every day, all day.

01:19:35.000 And there's nothing that...

01:19:37.000 Nothing can hold our attention.

01:19:39.000 I mean, I was very young, but I remember Watergate, and I remember that was it.

01:19:46.000 That's all anybody talked about was Watergate, Watergate, and Watergate.

01:19:51.000 That's what happened.

01:19:54.000 That's what was happening.

01:19:55.000 Yeah, that's a good point.

01:19:56.000 I don't know if we're going to have that ability anymore.

01:19:59.000 September 11th is probably the closest thing.

01:20:01.000 Yeah, I mean, you're going to have to have something on that scale, and even then, there's going to be a certain and a fairly large segment of society that's still getting caught up on Honey Boo Boo and doesn't give a shit about the tower and may not even know about it.

01:20:18.000 And September 11th was also, you think about the time of 2001 as compared to the time now, the internet, the use of the internet, the spread of information.

01:20:28.000 It wasn't even close to being the same thing.

01:20:30.000 Absolutely not.

01:20:31.000 Just the sheer volume of fucking stories that you get every day that you have to sift through.

01:20:36.000 Interesting, non-interesting, ridiculous, baffling, animal attacks, explosions, poisonings, oil leaks, Jesus fucking Christ, another plane crash, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

01:20:46.000 It never ends.

01:20:47.000 And I don't know how much of this we're...

01:20:54.000 Geared to or supposed to ingest and digest.

01:21:02.000 Like, I don't know, as human beings, I know we haven't changed biologically that much in the past several hundred years, but yet things have changed a lot.

01:21:15.000 Thousands of years.

01:21:16.000 We're very, very, very similar to the people that live 50,000 years ago.

01:21:20.000 Right.

01:21:20.000 But yet...

01:21:22.000 You're holding a device in your hand that has more computing power than the first Gemini rocket launch.

01:21:30.000 So what are we supposed to do with that information?

01:21:36.000 And how are we supposed to process it?

01:21:38.000 And when does it become detrimental?

01:21:42.000 Are we supposed to be...

01:21:47.000 Somewhere processing information all the time.

01:21:51.000 I was just saying this, but I found it sort of interesting.

01:21:56.000 I was...

01:21:58.000 Doing this vintage car race.

01:22:00.000 So I was out to dinner after the race with a guy who owns an airline.

01:22:06.000 Not a big one, like a medium-sized one.

01:22:10.000 And I said, geez, man, what went on with that 777, a Malaysian plane, you know?

01:22:17.000 Like, you own an airline.

01:22:18.000 What do you think?

01:22:19.000 And he said, yeah, I don't know.

01:22:21.000 And I said, can you just...

01:22:24.000 Can you dismantle or make those cores transponders on those 777s dysfunctional?

01:22:31.000 Can you just flip a switch or have to pull a fuse or breaker or something like that?

01:22:35.000 And he said, it was about 7 o'clock.

01:22:39.000 We were just sitting there in some Mexican food joint outside of the track at Laguna Seca in Northern California.

01:22:48.000 And he said, hold on, let me hit my guy.

01:22:53.000 Now, his guy is, when you run an airline, you have to have, like, a chief engineer or something like that who basically tells you all the specs on the planes and the ins and outs and how many hours engines have on them and what tires to get.

01:23:05.000 You've got to have a couple of those guys, right?

01:23:08.000 So he said, let me hit my guy.

01:23:10.000 So he just picked up his phone.

01:23:12.000 You know, he didn't get up and leave or anything.

01:23:13.000 He just picked up his phone and he texted this dude, you know.

01:23:18.000 And now, I didn't think about it until later, but this was Saturday night.

01:23:23.000 It's 7.30 at night.

01:23:25.000 Well, his dude is probably eating dinner with his family.

01:23:29.000 Maybe he's fucking his girlfriend.

01:23:31.000 Or maybe he's out to dinner with his wife.

01:23:33.000 But now his little device starts buzzing.

01:23:36.000 And his little device, it's the boss man on his device.

01:23:42.000 He can't get back to him on Monday.

01:23:44.000 The boss man just asked him a question.

01:23:47.000 And now he's got to find out how you dismantle a beacon on a 777. Now, I don't know if he knows it or he's got to go look it up.

01:24:00.000 But either way, if this guy's sitting with his kids or sitting with his wife or fucking his mistress, he's got to go, oh shit, I got to figure this shit out and give this guy an answer now.

01:24:13.000 Because he's the boss and he just asked me.

01:24:16.000 Fuck that it's Saturday night.

01:24:18.000 Right.

01:24:19.000 Fuck that it's the weekend and I'm with my family.

01:24:22.000 Uh-uh.

01:24:23.000 I got to know.

01:24:23.000 And this guy probably had a little anxiety.

01:24:26.000 And this guy probably thought...

01:24:28.000 Eh, I'll get back to him Monday and then thought, oh fuck, I don't want to do that.

01:24:33.000 I better get back with him now.

01:24:34.000 He probably wants to know now.

01:24:36.000 And this guy probably had to get up and go somewhere, hop on a computer, do something, figure out the whatever, and then he had to go write this guy back on a Saturday night.

01:24:45.000 Well, that's how we're living now.

01:24:48.000 And I don't think it's good.

01:24:50.000 That aspect of it, I agree with you.

01:24:52.000 I think that's pretty rare.

01:24:53.000 I think also the amount of numbers that are coming in, I think we're eventually going to adapt.

01:24:59.000 I think human beings have a thing called Dunbar's number.

01:25:01.000 Are you aware of that?

01:25:02.000 You can only keep about 150 relationships, 150 friendships, 150 people you know by name and face.

01:25:08.000 After that, shit starts getting weird.

01:25:10.000 And I'm sure you've encountered that.

01:25:11.000 You meet people and they go, Hey, it was great when I met you before.

01:25:15.000 We had a good time, remember?

01:25:16.000 And you're like...

01:25:17.000 What?

01:25:17.000 I don't remember you.

01:25:18.000 There's no room.

01:25:19.000 You have no room in your hard drive.

01:25:21.000 Because we're not really designed to meet a million people over the course of a life, which you very well have probably met a million people.

01:25:26.000 The average person doesn't get to do that in a tribal situation 50,000 years ago.

01:25:31.000 We carry those same genetics today.

01:25:33.000 And I think that also applies to dealing with danger and the idea of hearing about news.

01:25:40.000 Because news and danger usually affects you.

01:25:43.000 But when that news and danger is a plane halfway around the world, It becomes a sort of a weird, abstract thing.

01:25:49.000 And you're getting all these abstract negative things that are happening all the time.

01:25:53.000 Every fucking point of the globe sends you its worst news.

01:25:57.000 Oh, we found a new serial killer who only eats babies.

01:26:00.000 Well, we found a fucking guy who's been living in the woods and, you know, we found this, we found that.

01:26:04.000 Everything that's fucked up.

01:26:06.000 Everything terrible.

01:26:07.000 And it all comes into your head.

01:26:09.000 And you have to.

01:26:10.000 At this point in our lives, you have to filter it.

01:26:13.000 If you don't filter it, you will truly go insane.

01:26:16.000 Your biology can't manage it.

01:26:18.000 You're not designed for it.

01:26:19.000 It's not a normal thing.

01:26:20.000 It's not new, and we haven't adapted yet.

01:26:22.000 So you better manage it.

01:26:23.000 You better make a conscious decision to manage it, or it'll fucking move your life in the way it wants to.

01:26:30.000 It'll change your thought patterns, change your perceptions of the world.

01:26:34.000 Based on an insane number of 7 billion human beings' unusual events.

01:26:40.000 7 billion, which is 7,000 million human beings' problems.

01:26:45.000 Right.

01:26:45.000 That's too many!

01:26:46.000 You're supposed to deal with 150. That's why you have this number.

01:26:50.000 Right.

01:26:50.000 The Dunbar's number that's in your fucking head.

01:26:52.000 150. That's it.

01:26:54.000 Not 7 billion!

01:26:56.000 That's fucking crazy!

01:26:58.000 So that change has been so radical and so quick, there's no way our biology right now is caught up to it, but I bet future generations will have some sort of an alteration in their ability to either absorb massive amounts of information or some sort of a change in the way we process that information.

01:27:17.000 Right, right.

01:27:18.000 And we're just like the guinea pigs.

01:27:21.000 And we see how much medication and how much we can all freak out over what's going on.

01:27:28.000 And it's true.

01:27:29.000 And I feel the same way.

01:27:31.000 I just feel inundated and overwhelmed and like there's so much...

01:27:36.000 Coming at me at once, constantly.

01:27:38.000 Well, if you think about language, when language burst onto the picture, when people started communicating with each other in recognizable sounds, almost immediately, people started explaining their problems, and they started commiserating, they started figuring each other out, and from there,

01:27:54.000 from that point on, the world got way more complicated.

01:27:57.000 It wasn't just do what you feel, and following instincts, and Make grunts like where a tiger is.

01:28:05.000 You're actually communicating.

01:28:06.000 You're complaining.

01:28:07.000 You're whining.

01:28:08.000 You're expressing your fears for the future.

01:28:11.000 We have to create gods.

01:28:12.000 We have to create the reason why the lightning comes down.

01:28:14.000 Things exponentially changed.

01:28:17.000 It wasn't like all of a sudden human beings were different.

01:28:20.000 No, human beings were the same.

01:28:21.000 But now all this new information is coming in as they're developing this thing called language.

01:28:27.000 I think we're at a very similar place right now.

01:28:29.000 And the changes between us of today and what we will be a thousand years from now were probably just as radical as the changes of non-speaking hominids to speaking hominids.

01:28:39.000 Well, that's very interesting.

01:28:41.000 And I agree, and I've always just thought about what are the long-term effects of sort of having everything at your fingertips constantly.

01:28:54.000 You know, I always say...

01:28:57.000 When I grew up and I wanted to see The Grinch That Stole Christmas, that came on ABC at 8 o'clock on December 13th, and you had to wait.

01:29:08.000 You could not see it before then.

01:29:10.000 And by the way, you couldn't see it after then either.

01:29:12.000 If you were in the kitchen and the commercial break was over, you had to fucking sprint your little jammies with the feet built in and slide across the floor to see it.

01:29:22.000 And it was a kind of a foreplay.

01:29:25.000 And now, if my kids want to see The Grinch That Stole Christmas, they can see it in July on Blu-ray, but I don't think it means shit to them.

01:29:34.000 Even better, they can see it on iTunes instantly on the iPad sitting in the living room.

01:29:38.000 Bip, bip, bip, boom, it starts playing.

01:29:41.000 Or in the headrest of Mommy's SUV. Instantaneously.

01:29:44.000 Right.

01:29:45.000 Are they happier because of that?

01:29:48.000 I don't think they are.

01:29:50.000 If you were to ask me, would you like to see The Grinch That Stole Christmas whenever you wanted in the headrest of mommy's car?

01:29:56.000 I would have said yes, but I don't think I would have been happier.

01:30:00.000 Because all it does is speed you up, changes your expectation level, and then every once in a blue moon, when you don't get to see whatever it is you want to see exactly the same time...

01:30:13.000 Then you're pissed off.

01:30:15.000 Yeah.

01:30:16.000 And my kids are probably going to be walking around at age 25 going, hey man, I want to see Fast and Furious 129, and someone's going to go, well, it doesn't come out for four months.

01:30:27.000 Oh, that's such bullshit!

01:30:30.000 Fucking go get it, would you?

01:30:31.000 And put it in my box?

01:30:33.000 I want to watch it on my phone.

01:30:34.000 I want to watch it in my head.

01:30:35.000 I want to watch it in my head.

01:30:36.000 I just want to close my eyes.

01:30:37.000 And they go, it's not done.

01:30:39.000 Fuck that.

01:30:40.000 This is such bullshit.

01:30:42.000 Have you seen this new story that came out today, the picture that Jamie put up earlier, that by 2030, they're going to have mind-to-mind thought tossing, talking.

01:30:51.000 Wow.

01:30:51.000 And this is something that I've been bringing up for a while, that I think that human beings, like the interface of sounds, like using sounds and even using language, is a temporary thing.

01:31:02.000 I think there's going to come a point in time where you're going to be able to read intent.

01:31:06.000 I'm going to be able to understand what's going on in your head.

01:31:09.000 The same way when you have thoughts in your head, when you have ideas, you're not doing it with a language.

01:31:15.000 You're not expressing your thoughts to yourself with a language.

01:31:18.000 Very rarely do I say, It's about time to pull yourself by your bootstraps and get back to work.

01:31:24.000 I just have a feeling in my head that represents those words.

01:31:28.000 And I've had that exact same thing happen to me during heavy-duty psychedelic experiences.

01:31:33.000 I've had something relay information to me in the form of intent instead of in words.

01:31:39.000 I think that ultimately, and having experienced it in a psychedelic state, like on dimethyltryptamine or on mushrooms, I think that's probably...

01:31:49.000 What you would experience when they figure out this sort of technology.

01:31:52.000 I'll be able to read your intent and it will be free of language.

01:31:56.000 The signals that are going on inside your mind, you'll be able to distribute those to other people.

01:32:02.000 Do you know I have to piss really bad?

01:32:04.000 Go ahead and piss, man.

01:32:06.000 It's already incredibly interesting to me that You can take amputees that are cut off at the elbow, strap on robotic, prosthetic, whatever, and their brain is able to tell it to pick up a Mm

01:32:38.000 -hmm.

01:32:48.000 To me, the leap between making your brain communicate with animatronic digits that are moving around and unscrewing mayonnaise jars or picking up pencils or holding your child,

01:33:03.000 that's not a very big leap to get from moving that hand around using your thought versus communicating that way.

01:33:13.000 Yeah, no, I agree.

01:33:14.000 I think it's just a matter of time.

01:33:16.000 Like this thing says, 20, 30. That sounds totally normal to me.

01:33:19.000 I mean, especially when you consider the exponential pace that these things improve in.

01:33:23.000 I was at a company in San Francisco for the sci-fi show that I did where we put on this headgear and you control a remote-controlled helicopter.

01:33:32.000 With your mind, with your thoughts, like your intent moves this thing.

01:33:36.000 I was able to have it hover in the air for a little bit, but apparently once you get good at it, you can actually move it down the hallway and park it someplace.

01:33:44.000 I mean, it's fucking bananas.

01:33:46.000 You're piloting a really crude remote control vehicle with your thoughts.

01:33:51.000 Right.

01:33:52.000 And this is a matter of time before they figure out how...

01:33:54.000 You're going to have fucking robots flying around your house, fetching you coffee.

01:33:58.000 You're going to look at your robot, your little flying fucking helicopter robot coffee maker, and you're going to say, go make me some coffee, stupid.

01:34:05.000 And it's going to fly off and make you coffee and come back and give it to you.

01:34:09.000 You're going to be able to do all this with your mind.

01:34:10.000 You're not going to say it.

01:34:11.000 No, you're just going to think it.

01:34:13.000 No, I mean, the drones are already stepping up.

01:34:16.000 A lot of it is...

01:34:17.000 Computers versus batteries.

01:34:19.000 You know, it's batteries that were bricks just 10 years ago.

01:34:25.000 I mean, batteries were just huge bricks, and now they're the size of quarters, and they're producing the same power because all this stuff needs to be propelled by something.

01:34:36.000 You know, there needs to be a system that powers it up.

01:34:39.000 And I know, even though it sounds corny, I used to fly remote-control airplanes.

01:34:45.000 And they had electric ones, and the problem with the electric ones is the battery was literally a brick, and it's hard to fly a little styrofoam plane with a brick in the middle of it, and now most all of them are electric just because of the cell phone technology and the battery that has been shrunk and lightened to the point where it's nothing anymore.

01:35:07.000 Yeah, it's amazing what they can do, too, with the algorithms that they have in their operating system for power management.

01:35:14.000 Like, you could take an iPad and you can watch five fucking movies on a flight and it doesn't run out of juice.

01:35:20.000 Right.

01:35:20.000 You're watching a fairly big screen and all these images are being processed.

01:35:24.000 It's constantly moving around.

01:35:25.000 You watch a whole fucking movie and then you look at your battery and it's, like, barely budged.

01:35:30.000 Like, this is incredible.

01:35:31.000 Well, because nothing...

01:35:33.000 There are no more moving parts.

01:35:36.000 Yeah.

01:35:36.000 I mean, there used to be conveyor belts, and they're powered by rivers with wheels in them, and that took a lot of energy.

01:35:45.000 And now, everything is digital, and there's no parts.

01:35:49.000 There's no friction.

01:35:51.000 There's no, you know, you don't realize, well, you probably realize, but, you know, whenever you talk about a car, you talk about horsepower, you You go, how much is it making to the crank?

01:36:02.000 And the guy goes, 500 horsepower.

01:36:05.000 And you go, what's it making to the rear wheels?

01:36:08.000 And you go, oh, it's making about 430, 425, 430, right?

01:36:11.000 All right, that's not bad.

01:36:12.000 Good, maybe we can get some synthetic oil on that rear end and get it up to...

01:36:16.000 431 or whatever it is, but you're scrubbing off all of that inertia and all of that torque and power because it's having to pass through drive shafts and transmissions and differentials and it's scrubbing it off.

01:36:32.000 But if all that was digital Then you'd have 500 horsepower at the crank and 500 at the rear wheel.

01:36:39.000 And that's what we're getting now.

01:36:40.000 The digital.

01:36:41.000 Is that what they get with like Teslas?

01:36:43.000 Are they like...

01:36:44.000 Is their horsepower at the engine the same as at the wheel?

01:36:49.000 Well, what they're getting and what they're doing now is it's all about torque.

01:36:54.000 And it's instant torque with electric motors.

01:36:57.000 So they're getting that big...

01:36:58.000 That's why the Tesla 0-60 is not...

01:37:06.000 Yeah.

01:37:15.000 Yeah.

01:37:32.000 It's connected to the wheel.

01:37:34.000 There's no transmission that it's passing through, propeller shaft and differentials and things that are scrubbing off inertia.

01:37:42.000 Have you fucked with those at all, Teslas?

01:37:44.000 I just drove one around once, and they're quick.

01:37:49.000 Yeah.

01:37:49.000 I mean, they're super quick.

01:37:51.000 My friend Aubrey has one.

01:37:52.000 They have a laptop in the middle of it, essentially.

01:37:55.000 It's huge.

01:37:56.000 And he goes, we were going to this gym.

01:37:58.000 He said the name of the gym, navigate to...

01:38:01.000 And it just takes you there.

01:38:02.000 I'm like, this is fucking insane.

01:38:04.000 It finds it on Google Maps, gives you the option, you press a button, and this huge navigation screen.

01:38:09.000 When you wanted to listen to music, he's like, play The Doors.

01:38:14.000 So all of a sudden, Spotify pulls up all these options for the doors, break on through to the other side, plus that one, boom, and it starts playing.

01:38:22.000 And it gets it all through the actual computer itself on the car, not even connected to your phone.

01:38:27.000 It's completely independent.

01:38:29.000 All of it uses some sort of a, unfortunately, 3G, not 4G connection.

01:38:34.000 Yeah, it's unbelievable.

01:38:37.000 This is going to be a rough transition, but seeing as how I have to go do my podcast pretty quick...

01:38:44.000 On the topic of podcasts, you know, I'm being sued.

01:38:47.000 Yes.

01:38:49.000 Explain that to people, because it's one of the dumbest fucking lawsuits I've ever heard in my life, but there's people that make a living off of these types of lawsuits, right?

01:38:57.000 Yeah, called patent trolls.

01:39:00.000 They buy a...

01:39:03.000 I think it's this country at its worst.

01:39:06.000 I really do.

01:39:07.000 They buy patents and then they sue companies saying they're using, stealing or unlawfully using their technology.

01:39:16.000 And sometimes when you're buying technology, there's a real good argument to that.

01:39:20.000 Like that technology is a part of this thing that you're selling.

01:39:24.000 And without that technology, which is patented, your technology, what you're selling, would not exist.

01:39:30.000 Right.

01:39:30.000 And I get that part.

01:39:32.000 And I support innovation and people should be paid for intellectual property and creative ideas.

01:39:37.000 But this is a weird one.

01:39:39.000 What is the exact term that they have a patent on?

01:39:44.000 The exact...

01:39:46.000 They have a patent on a playlist.

01:39:49.000 Yes.

01:39:49.000 Online.

01:39:50.000 Anything in a serial order, right?

01:39:52.000 Right.

01:39:52.000 Like, even blogs.

01:39:55.000 Evidently, anything that comes out on a Monday and then the next one comes out on a Tuesday, or this song is above that song and this song's number three and that song's number seven, that's what they claim to have dominion over.

01:40:09.000 So if you have a blog, and you enter into that blog, like, you know, blog entry number one, you know, Adam goes to do podcasts to talk about this lawsuit.

01:40:19.000 They could sue you for that.

01:40:21.000 Like, they own a piece of that, a serialized message that you're putting on a website.

01:40:25.000 Yes.

01:40:26.000 Numbered message.

01:40:27.000 That's correct.

01:40:28.000 That's insane.

01:40:29.000 Well, it is insane because if it's true, then really everything on the internet's got to go away.

01:40:36.000 Everything.

01:40:37.000 Could you imagine if they bought up everything on the internet with one sneaky move?

01:40:41.000 Like one sneaky move, one patent.

01:40:43.000 What if the judge says, look, the guy's got a point.

01:40:44.000 He owns everything in serialized form.

01:40:47.000 Well, the problem is I don't think the judge or the jury is going to think they have a point.

01:40:53.000 Unfortunately, in order to make our point that they don't have a point, it's going to cost $1.5 million.

01:41:00.000 Holy shit.

01:41:02.000 Yeah.

01:41:03.000 Holy shit.

01:41:05.000 That's what patent litigation costs.

01:41:08.000 That's what the legal fees are going to be?

01:41:10.000 That's what I've been quoted.

01:41:12.000 Oh my god.

01:41:13.000 I've been quoted $1.25 to $1.5 million.

01:41:19.000 Wow.

01:41:19.000 Yeah, I know.

01:41:20.000 That's stunning.

01:41:21.000 I never would have thought it would be that high.

01:41:23.000 Lawyers get paid a lot.

01:41:25.000 So is that what it is?

01:41:26.000 It's all the lawyers?

01:41:27.000 That's what it is.

01:41:28.000 It's all the lawyers.

01:41:30.000 How much work do they have to do here?

01:41:33.000 Joe, for me, it's like, first off, I've spent $50,000 trying to get a change of fucking venue.

01:41:41.000 These guys are in eastern Texas.

01:41:44.000 That's where they set up.

01:41:46.000 Because Eastern Texas is famous for...

01:41:49.000 Friendly to their types of folk.

01:41:52.000 Yeah, to this type of thing, patent troll lawsuits.

01:41:55.000 I don't live in Eastern Texas, and my business isn't in Eastern Texas, and they don't live in Eastern Texas either.

01:42:03.000 That's just where they hung their shingle.

01:42:05.000 And they hung their shingle specifically because this is a place that's advantageous to do things like this.

01:42:10.000 Well, it's what you would do if you were a company that bought up other people's technology and then tried to sue other businesses and make money off of them.

01:42:22.000 You're going to maximize the possibility of you getting an outcome that's in your favor and you'll do it on the moon if you have to.

01:42:30.000 Now, if these people come to you with some sort of a settlement, like if they said, hey, you know, you're using our technology, we would like five bucks a month, like anything along those lines?

01:42:39.000 Yes.

01:42:40.000 Three million dollars.

01:42:41.000 Whoa.

01:42:44.000 And this is because they've won these before, the same company.

01:42:47.000 They got eight million dollars from Apple, right?

01:42:50.000 Yeah.

01:42:50.000 It's unclear what I'm doing with them and what they're doing with me.

01:42:56.000 But it's a pretty simple equation, which is, I just said, look, all the guys in podcasting need to kind of band together, and we need to fight them, and then we need to beat them, and then once we beat them, then they're beat.

01:43:12.000 Because they can't go after you or Marc Maron or whoever once we beat them.

01:43:18.000 But if we allow this to just go away, it's not going to.

01:43:23.000 If we say, well, let's just put it aside and, you know, fucking ignore them, then they win.

01:43:27.000 I mean, it's a possibility that they could win.

01:43:29.000 There's no way...

01:43:30.000 Look, when you get sued, you get sued.

01:43:33.000 You've got to respond.

01:43:34.000 But, you know, let's just say we said, look...

01:43:39.000 You guys obviously haven't done the math on our company, but it's a business.

01:43:46.000 No one wants to spend the time and the $1 million plus to fight this thing.

01:43:53.000 Take $350,000 and please go away, or $500,000, or $100,000, whatever it is.

01:44:03.000 Well, how long before they go to iTunes and they go, let's see who else is doing okay over here on iTunes?

01:44:11.000 Well, look at Joe Rogan.

01:44:13.000 He's doing all right.

01:44:14.000 Now, last time we did this with Corolla, we got 500K out of him.

01:44:19.000 I wonder what Joe's good for.

01:44:21.000 And all we got to do is do the same thing we did with Corolla.

01:44:25.000 He knows.

01:44:26.000 I mean, we'll let Joe's attorneys coach him up, but they're going to tell you this is the most expensive kind of litigation that's going to happen.

01:44:33.000 It's going to cost over a million dollars.

01:44:35.000 I mean, he can go on the internet and look at them.

01:44:37.000 Do you know who these human beings are behind this?

01:44:39.000 Do you know the actual human beings?

01:44:41.000 Are you aware of names or faces?

01:44:43.000 Do you know what they look like?

01:44:44.000 No, I don't.

01:44:45.000 And I never think that way.

01:44:47.000 Like, I just think...

01:44:51.000 I understand that we live in a world that is generally decent and that these people probably think of themselves as generally decent.

01:45:02.000 You know, they probably have kids that love them and a wife that gives them a blowjob on occasion.

01:45:08.000 This is what they do for a living.

01:45:11.000 This is their business.

01:45:12.000 And I think when a guy works at a used RV lot and he's got an RV on that lot that's worth $4,000 and some elderly couple comes in there and he gets them for $20,000, he doesn't go home and stare in the mirror and go, wow, I'm a really bad human being.

01:45:28.000 He goes, I'm a fucking great salesman.

01:45:32.000 And I think that's what these guys do.

01:45:35.000 I don't...

01:45:36.000 Even fault them on a personal level.

01:45:41.000 They make money from doing this.

01:45:44.000 I understand it.

01:45:46.000 It's not even worth trying to make it a personal issue.

01:45:52.000 I don't feel it's a personal issue.

01:45:54.000 They saw my podcast.

01:45:56.000 I'm actually, in a bizarre way, flattered.

01:46:00.000 They saw my podcast and said, that guy's really doing well for himself.

01:46:04.000 Let's go get him.

01:46:05.000 I can't believe they wanted $3 million.

01:46:06.000 That's insane.

01:46:07.000 That was their first offering.

01:46:10.000 That's stunning.

01:46:11.000 What we're doing is we're getting everyone together, and we're going to show them that the podcast community is a lot stronger than they thought, that they fucked with the wrong people, and I don't mean me, I mean everybody, and that whether you're a Joe Rogan fan or Adam Carolla fan or an NPR fan,

01:46:29.000 it's all going away if we don't buck up and beat these guys.

01:46:34.000 So we just went to fund anything.

01:46:37.000 .com forward slash patentroll and you can give toward the Legal Defense Fund.

01:46:43.000 There's a video up there to watch where Adam explains the whole situation and what's going on and spread this.

01:46:51.000 Spread it on Twitter.

01:46:52.000 Spread it on Facebook.

01:46:54.000 Let everybody know.

01:46:55.000 If you can't donate, at least spread the word and let people know what the fuck is going on.

01:47:01.000 Because, yeah, this is a crazy thing.

01:47:04.000 This is a weird...

01:47:06.000 Byproduct of our society.

01:47:08.000 Right.

01:47:08.000 I don't like it, but there's nothing we can do about it at this point in time.

01:47:12.000 No, other than this.

01:47:14.000 Other than this, yeah.

01:47:14.000 But this is really cool because this could be a seminal moment for podcasting, which is you guys fucked with the wrong guys.

01:47:23.000 We're all grassroots, but we all band together.

01:47:25.000 We all got our little individual little armies, and we all got them united, and we all fought this common cause.

01:47:33.000 Yeah.

01:47:33.000 You know what I love about podcasting?

01:47:35.000 That I do think that that's something that fits with the ethic of podcasting.

01:47:39.000 But I also love that podcasting isn't...

01:47:42.000 It's not a competitive thing in that everybody supports everybody else in podcasting.

01:47:47.000 I've never heard of podcast feuds.

01:47:50.000 Like morning DJ guys always fucking hate the other morning DJ guy.

01:47:53.000 They always talk shit about him.

01:47:55.000 But podcasts...

01:47:56.000 I don't know anybody who says, like, you know, oh, we would be fucking doing great if it wasn't for that Adam Carolla show.

01:48:03.000 Everybody's watching that stupid...

01:48:04.000 That show sucks.

01:48:05.000 Our podcast is the future.

01:48:07.000 That show's for old people.

01:48:09.000 Fuck up.

01:48:10.000 You know, that doesn't...

01:48:11.000 It doesn't seem to be going on at all.

01:48:12.000 I think the internet...

01:48:14.000 The attitude of the internet is that you're dealing with the world.

01:48:17.000 You're dealing with an infinite amount of people.

01:48:19.000 It's so goddamn big that having that sort of famine mentality that a lot of people...

01:48:28.000 No, listen.

01:48:31.000 I feel like the last podcast I did yesterday, Jay Moore and Joe Coy were both guests on the show, and they both have podcasts.

01:48:45.000 Yeah.

01:48:46.000 80% of the guests on my show have their own podcast, and we promote their podcast on my podcast.

01:48:54.000 Yes.

01:48:54.000 So that's all you need to know, right?

01:48:56.000 We do the exact same thing, and I'm always telling people, you should do a podcast.

01:49:00.000 Like, people that are good guests, I'm like, why don't you do your own podcast?

01:49:03.000 You don't even need a place like this.

01:49:05.000 You need a fucking mp3 recorder and a microphone.

01:49:07.000 That's it.

01:49:08.000 Right.

01:49:08.000 Upload it online, it takes 10 seconds, and boom, you have a fucking podcast.

01:49:13.000 Well, the plan is podcasters, unite, rally your army, and let's beat these guys.

01:49:19.000 Let's do it.

01:49:19.000 We're in.

01:49:20.000 We're in 1,000%.

01:49:21.000 That's not even a real number.

01:49:23.000 It's only 100% is possible.

01:49:24.000 But we're in that.

01:49:25.000 But we'll say 1,000.

01:49:26.000 I like your hyperbole, Joe.

01:49:28.000 I like that you like it.

01:49:29.000 So funanything.com forward slash patent troll.

01:49:33.000 Please go there.

01:49:34.000 If you can't donate, please spread the word so that other people can find out about it that can donate.

01:49:41.000 I get it if you're broke.

01:49:42.000 I totally understand it.

01:49:43.000 But if you do appreciate podcasting and you do appreciate Adam's show and his network, I mean, he's got a whole network, and then on top of that, everybody else that you know that does podcasts, whether it's Joey Diaz or Ari Shafir or Duncan Trussell, Adam's right, that would all go away if it wasn't Absolutely.

01:50:04.000 Do it, ladies and gentlemen.

01:50:05.000 Adam, I just want to tell you that you are one of the reasons why I did this in the first place.

01:50:09.000 I loved watching you do it and go from regular radio.

01:50:13.000 I remember doing the first ones when it was on the couch and you had the clip-on microphones and the whole deal.

01:50:18.000 I was like, wow, he's got kind of a cool setup here.

01:50:21.000 That was part of what spun the wheels for me to get into this in the first place.

01:50:25.000 When you were podcasting, what year did you start?

01:50:28.000 Beginning of 09. Was it really?

01:50:31.000 Yeah.

01:50:32.000 Yeah, so I was around slightly after you.

01:50:35.000 Slightly after you, but you were...

01:50:37.000 Listen, I'm flattered, and you can come on out and see the new digs whenever you like.

01:50:42.000 Did you change anything?

01:50:44.000 Are you even bigger or better now?

01:50:46.000 Always working on the studio, always trying to improve, and always trying to kind of build the business, you know?

01:50:51.000 Well, it's very cool.

01:50:54.000 It's very cool that it's working.

01:50:55.000 It's very cool to be a part of all this.

01:50:57.000 The podcasting community is a great, supportive community.

01:51:01.000 And what you were talking about, having people on your show that have their own podcasts and promoting their podcasts, I think it's one of the coolest things about this business.

01:51:09.000 It really is.

01:51:10.000 Thanks, Joe.

01:51:11.000 I appreciate it.

01:51:11.000 Adam Carolla, ladies and gentlemen.

01:51:13.000 Follow him on Twitter.

01:51:14.000 And again, go to...

01:51:16.000 What's the website one more time?

01:51:17.000 You can go to adamcarolla.com and find out everything you need to know.

01:51:20.000 Go to adamcarolla.com and find out everything.

01:51:22.000 Go to rogan.ting.com to find out about Ting.

01:51:25.000 And find out about the iPhone 5 giveaway.

01:51:31.000 Go to rogan.ting.com, fill out the savings calculator, see how much you'd save using Ting, tweet how much you'd save to at JoeRogan with the hashtag Ting, and the winner will be announced on Friday, April 4th, U.S. residents only.

01:51:45.000 Thanks also to Onnit.com, that's O-N-N-I-T. Use the code word ROGAN and save 10% off any and all supplements.

01:51:52.000 We'll be back in about a half an hour with the great Honey Honey band.

01:51:57.000 Please, please donate to Adam's cause.

01:51:59.000 It's all of our cause.

01:52:01.000 Everybody, help out if you can.

01:52:02.000 If you can't help out, please promote it.

01:52:04.000 Thank you very much and see you soon.

The Joe Rogan Experience - March 26, 2014

Joe Rogan Experience #475 - Adam Carolla

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