In this episode of the You Know Your Name podcast, the boys are joined by special guest Doug Stanhope to talk about the perils of starting a business with LegalZoom, a website that helps you become your own lawyer. Plus, a story about a guy who thinks he could be the next Willy Wonka, and a tale about a celebrity death pool. Also, a special thanks to our sponsor, Jane Talking to the listeners. You can get a free copy of Jane Talking's new book, The Secret Life of the Celebrity Death Pool, which is available for pre-order now! Want more You Know My Name? Check out Jane Talking at janetalking.co/youknowmyname and use the referral code ROGAN at checkout to save some money on your first purchase. Celebrate innovation by celebrating the end of June and get a special price on trademark, copyright, or patent applications by using the referral Code ROGANS at checkout. Do it, do it! Go to legalzoom.co.nz/YouKnowMyName and start your own business with $99 and save $99.99! This month's sponsor, JANE TALKING TO THE POOL, is celebrating innovation by helping you launch your dream by celebrating innovation with a discount on trademark and copyright applications! JANE TED, the podcasting company, also known as Jane Talking, is giving listeners the chance to get a FREE copy of the book they ve been asking for! Jane Talking! by Jane Talking about the Star Wars podcast, The Legend of the Death Pool! Get a copy of The Star Wars Death Pool and much more! Learn more about Chewbacca's death pool! You know who's in it? by checking out their Death Pool? by going to jane.co and learn more about Han Solo's Death Pool. JANET TAYLOR MCCARTEY, the death pool, JORDY BONUS CONTENT: JOE RODRICK, JOE, JOSH MILLER, JOSEPH, JAMES M. RYAN OCHTER, JAWNSON, and JOSH WELCOME, JAREDUCUM AND JOSH MAYO MATHEMAN, JAY AND KELLY OCHDSON, JAMIE OCHLEY, JODY LYNN AND MORE!
00:02:30.000And use the referral code ROGAN at checkout to save some money.
00:02:35.000Celebrate innovation with LegalZoom through the end of June and get a special price on trademark, copyright, or provincial patent applications by using the referral code ROGAN at checkout.
00:03:23.000Chewbacca is actually a seven-foot dude that's aging now, and I was going to take him in my death pool, and then Joby, the guy who runs it, He said, I already got him.
00:05:59.000It reads the flash from the phone, apparently lights up your thumb, and through that, the camera can see the actual blood pumping in your finger.
00:06:08.000And so that's how it reads your actual heartbeat from an application on a regular phone.
00:06:12.000I just want to stay alive to see what shit is like in 20 years.
00:06:38.000What Ting does is they rent time on the Sprint Backbone, but they do it in a way where you can cancel anytime you want, you own your phone, it's not any bullshit where you have to...
00:11:55.000Red Band said he was coughing up blood.
00:11:57.000They're a lot better now, like the newer ones are.
00:12:00.000No, they're terrible, because I quit a month ago, and I made it two weeks, and I tried like four different brands, and I was sucking on them constantly.
00:12:06.000And I was off the cigs for a couple of weeks, but my lungs were killing me at one point.
00:12:11.000Then it comes a point where you're like, well, fuck, give me a cigarette, because you're just getting like blasts and blasts of nicotine, like more nicotine than you would be getting from just having a cigarette.
00:12:21.000I had like six weeks off and I mean it was full weeks I didn't smoke and then sometimes someone would show up at my house that smokes and I'd steal a cigarette so I'd smoke a couple and then six weeks of 95% quit smoking went on the road and I'm like alright now I'm just gonna bum them from the fucking opening acts?
00:12:41.000Whoever I find outside smoking, I send Bingo out to go get me a couple cigarettes before the show, and this week it's just after the fucking first night of party we were talking about.
00:12:54.000Once you say fuck it, and that's the problem with being a comic, is you're inclined to say fuck it more often than not because it seems like the comic choice.
00:13:02.000You know, and you're in that situation, and you're like, come on, what's the fuck?
00:13:07.000I quit a month ago, and I made it two weeks, and I wasn't working.
00:13:11.000And it was once I went back, and I did shows in Atlanta, and I was bumming them off the staff, and then I was in Minneapolis the next weekend after that, and snuck a pack, and then just said, fuck it.
00:13:22.000Because I was doing shows, and that's my rhythm, and having a cig, and getting ready.
00:13:26.000You have a cigar on stage while you're doing shows?
00:13:28.000No, I don't want to influence the kids.
00:13:33.000That was a thing where at the comedy store it was a big deal because guys would smoke on stage and the audience members couldn't smoke because there was a provision in the law as a part of the performance you're allowed to smoke.
00:13:53.000Immediately I was doing that when they passed it in California.
00:13:56.000Once I found out about that law, and I was doing it in Minneapolis, and then a bar started doing that as a night where smokers could be on stage, so the place is just all smoky, but you had to be on the stage.
00:16:11.000And the edibles, as someone who doesn't live in California, the edibles here are ridiculous.
00:16:16.000You got every candy, Jolly Rancher candy, weed, York peppermint patties, anything you can think of, they've duplicated exactly like candy or popsicles.
00:16:27.000Well, there's a little bit of an issue.
00:16:29.000There is a little bit of an issue with it.
00:17:22.000Could you take, say, one of these candies?
00:17:24.000Say you already have a pre-existing condition, a mental illness, say, and say you're at a rock star's house trying to get a podcast and you're doing incredible amounts of blow and you go home with a little bit of that blow and then...
00:17:38.000You do the rest of that blow while your boyfriend's sleeping, preparing for the Bill Burr podcast, and you also eat an edible while you have a pre-existing condition.
00:17:48.000Could you spiral into such a catatonic state that the landlord from the Airbnb that you're staying in comes in to talk to you and you won't respond to him, so your boyfriend and your tour manager have to put you in bed where you piss the bed in your first Airbnb and then it takes you 24 hours to come out of said catatonic state?
00:18:08.000If I had a guess, I could say that could happen.
00:23:48.000I used to always think that about when Chappelle would come to the store.
00:23:51.000I always wanted to run home and write.
00:23:53.000Anything that gives you that little juice, you want to create too.
00:23:57.000Because you know how good it made you feel.
00:24:00.000The last time I saw Chappelle at the store, it was like the height of his popularity.
00:24:05.000Before he had quit the Comedy Central show, he would just show up maybe the day before they would schedule this, and he would just be mobbed, and he was in the main room.
00:24:58.000Diaz has, I mean, I don't want to give up any of his material, but he's got this bit about this chick named Lucy Snorbush.
00:25:05.000He's told the story on the podcast, but now he's turned into a bit in his act, a true story about him sneaking into her house, climbing into her window and eating her pussy in the middle of the night and then escaping.
00:25:16.000I don't think I've ever laughed as hard in my life.
00:25:19.000We just did Santa Barbara together, and I was watching him on stage, and he's doing this Lucy Snorbusch thing, and I'm having a hard time catching my breath.
00:25:27.000Legitimately having a hard time catching my breath.
00:25:29.000I saw Diaz in San Francisco, and he was doing that bit where he punches a hooker, and the audience is dying.
00:25:38.000In San Francisco, they're usually really touchy about, like, who can get a laugh?
00:25:44.000The dude with the wig and a black eye.
00:25:46.000There's no support groups for these people.
00:26:26.000Diaz is so good that I started taking two guys on the road with me during the dark days when Diaz would just go vanish in the middle of the night.
00:26:34.000But he was so good that I said, okay, I need a backup opener.
00:26:37.000So I would bring two openers because there was too many times when Diaz just vanished.
00:26:45.000I got booked like that for Otto and George, where they wanted to book Otto and George, but they needed to co-headline him so if he didn't show up, there was another X-rated act that could fit the fucking marquee.
00:26:56.000You gotta do that, man, unfortunately, with some guys, but they're worth it.
00:27:42.000Dude, he went on stage in Santa Barbara when we worked together, and I've taken some of his openings where I introduce him and then I film it, like watching him go on stage.
00:27:50.000I put him on YouTube because they're so ridiculous.
00:27:53.000He goes on stage and people standing up, like bowing to him, screaming.
00:27:57.000Like 2,000 people screaming and bowing to Joey Diaz.
00:31:26.000Jason Rouse, Canadian guy who lived in London, and J.J. Whitehead, Canadian guys at the other end, and then Sean, and he was plastered, man.
00:34:51.000I was just going to say he looked like the funniest guy at the barbecue, and you switched to a picture of barbecue.
00:34:56.000I hung out with Faberman, Joey Diaz, and Ralphie Mae the day 9-11 happened.
00:35:02.000The day they shut down all the flights, the day the shit hit the fan, we all got high, we went to Baja Fresh, we ate some burritos, and we stared at the sky.
00:35:49.000It was me and Diaz and Faberman and Ralphie Mae.
00:35:53.000And it was 2001. It was the day when we were just sitting around Smoking weed talking about how crazy is like this might be a we might be in the middle of a war We were thinking at that moment in time that this is just the beginning the planes flew into buildings But what if shit starts happening left and right?
00:36:09.000Like what if we start seeing missiles headed to LA? What if we see LA hit with a nuke like fuck?
00:36:14.000That's just as likely as two planes flying into buildings in the same day So we were freaking out and we're all getting high together.
00:36:21.000So let's have a special I was in Amsterdam at the zoo Three o'clock at the zoo in Amsterdam is feeding time.
00:36:31.000And I had been there before for it, and I knew I wanted to be in front of the lion cages at three o'clock when they're throwing the meat out.
00:36:39.000The lions start, they can smell the meat in the back, and they start pacing and growling, and there's these metal doors, and they're scratching on it and shit.
00:39:27.000No, no, I was trying to lean off the back of a bed, like most of my body, and I leaned down, and then my fucking, this hump comes out of my chest like alien, and Bingo looked down at it, and it audibly screamed, and I'm like, oh shit, that can't be good.
00:39:43.000Dude, dude, dude, seriously, imagine if you were really possessed.
00:42:35.000At some points, I met an insurance person, and I have catastrophic insurance, so if I get really fucked up in a car wreck, they'll cover that.
00:42:53.000So I don't have any idea how health insurance works.
00:42:57.000Yeah, no, if I need to get out of a social situation really badly, I'll go to a doctor because I know they're going to go, oh, you have to be admitted right away.
00:43:06.000And I'll go, sorry, honey, I can't go to bed and breakfast with your parents like I promised when I was drunk.
00:45:14.000And I moved to LA. I saw Christopher Lloyd at the bar at the Improv.
00:45:18.000And I went up and I go, hey, I don't know if you remember, I don't want to approach you, but Grant Forsberg is my cousin and you did a television pilot with him in the 80s.
00:45:27.000And he goes, I don't know, I do a lot of TV shows.
00:47:14.000We had people donate Bitcoin, and I would treat the Bitcoin like it was real money, and then I would take whatever anybody donated in Bitcoin and send it to my friend who's living in the Congo.
00:47:25.000And he's helping pygmies in the Congo, building the wells and shit.
00:47:28.000So he's going to send, you know, it's going to be real.
00:47:40.000Because the guy's living in the Congo, you know, he used to be a mixed martial arts fighter, and he just went down there for like a vacation just to see what it was like, and he fell in love with these people, like this idea that these people in the Congo, these pygmies, are these like really suppressed people that are forced to work in mines,
00:47:57.000and they don't have any, no one's taking care of them, there's no medicine, there's no water, they don't have clean water, so he's building them wells and shit, and it's really amazing.
00:50:28.000Like, Magic didn't have the right security, the whole thing is set up wrong, winds up losing 350 million plus dollars in bitcoins, like the direct equivalent of...
00:50:40.000Like, the guy gets robbed, and everybody who has their money in this exchange just gets fucking robbed.
00:57:29.000If I watch that movie, I'll kind of get weirded out.
00:57:32.000How does that one shooting weird you out?
00:57:35.000I saw it in the theater after that happened, like a few weeks later, and then you're in the theater thing and you're looking at the fucking exit doors.
00:57:54.000I just chose not to see it because I thought about seeing it a few times and I just kept getting that thing in my head that a bunch of people fucking died while this movie was being made.
00:59:48.000You're watching nonsense for a couple hours laughing, you know, having a good time, watching spaceships getting shot up by missiles and whatever.
01:00:14.000I know it doesn't make sense that I don't watch the Batman movie, and I've come close to watching it a few times, but I always think, I don't want to fucking see it.
01:02:38.000Quickly, after Kreischer and I did our picks for the Ultimate Tour, we got down and sat down with his children and wife for dinner, and he mentioned Jeff Tate.
01:03:16.000Yeah, the original Death Squad podcast.
01:03:17.000Yeah, we used to do these videos, like, at shows.
01:03:20.000And then he started the Death Squad podcast network.
01:03:24.000The videos were all just us hanging around at shows, like you would do these little clips of stupid shit that was happening.
01:03:29.000It was actually, we did the Joe show, and there was all this extra footage that was just bullshit stuff, and so I just made quick one-minute videos.
01:03:35.000Every time I see a Death Squad t-shirt in my audience, which is often, I always say, hey, Death Squad, point them out on stage.
01:04:15.000That means you're getting somebody else involved.
01:04:16.000I know I love Bill Burr, and yeah, sure, I'll do that.
01:04:19.000All that means is that you are joining up with a bunch of other people, so in that sense, yes, but it's completely unofficial.
01:04:27.000My podcast is joined with Ari's podcast, is joined with Joey Diaz's podcast, is joined with Duncan's podcast, is joined with all the Death Squad podcasts that Red Band produces, is joined with Burt Kreischer's podcast, is joined with Tom Segura.
01:05:54.000I've done it in between, too, where a guy like you maybe need to take a leak, and you get up, and I'll just keep going, even for ten minutes.
01:06:33.000Like, if I... Like when I worked the UK, and I have to abandon two-thirds of my set because it doesn't translate, and I've been writing a bunch of new shit that I don't really know, and I have to say it out loud before I go on stage.
01:06:49.000I'll make Brian listen to me say, not the whole set, but the bullet points and what the segue is, because I couldn't say it to myself, which I really am, but I need someone standing there to say it out loud.
01:07:03.000And that's what a podcast by myself would feel like.
01:07:07.000Yeah, I see what your point is, but it's more of a freestyle thing if you choose to just go over what's going on in the news every day.
01:07:15.000There's always something in the news that's fascinating.
01:07:17.000The beautiful thing about the time we're in, if you wanted to do a solo podcast, is all you have to do is go to your Twitter feed.
01:07:23.000You know, I have a guy who works for me, Matt Staggs, he's my publicist for the podcast, and every day he sends me a news, an afternoon news, an evening news, and a morning news.
01:07:33.000It's all just the most fucked up shit that's going on in the world, fascinating things.
01:08:16.000You get this comfortable free-ball thing going on, and as long as you're not too conscious or aware of what you're doing, you kind of catch this wave of creativity.
01:08:25.000You know, I've only done it a few times but I've done it on stage a bunch of times and there's this thing that Brian does With Jeremiah Watson?
01:13:35.000I remember waking up and there was like, I was completely hungover and I wanted to make some coffee and there was, I thought it was a cup full of water and I put it in the coffee machine and it was vodka and coffee and I thought, hey, this might be the new Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.
01:13:51.000Remember, the commercial guy's walking with the chocolate and he bumps into the guy with the, so I took a couple sips of it and it was definitely not the new Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.
01:13:59.000You know where they fucked up with that commercial?
01:14:02.000They fucked up with that Reese's commercial because if you take some chocolate and you dip it into peanut butter, it tastes way fucking better than Reese's.
01:15:49.000It's a staff party, and someone had blow.
01:15:52.000Then I'm going, I'm supposed to go do a live remote for a car show, like a good morning San Francisco TV live from a car show on Saturday morning.
01:16:02.000I go, I'm not going to fucking make it.
01:16:30.000Small amount of authority to a local guy that I know will do it.
01:16:33.000He's like 10 years younger than me, 8 inches taller than me, but I still let him come by my room and get my overcoat and my fucking, you know, knit wool cap.
01:20:19.000Bingo has caught me so many times trying to go into the closet in a hotel room to take a piss that you go, well, that's the amount of times you've woken up and found me.
01:20:29.000How many times have I pissed all over my own shit and never knew about it?
01:21:39.000Right there, my manager, and Henry Phillips both have stories walking out, thinking they're going into the bathroom, walking out naked, and the door shuts behind them, and they're both naked in the fucking hallway.
01:21:51.000And then you instantly become John Ritter.
01:22:08.000How many dudes come down naked during your entire career holding their cock and balls just going, I know you're not going to stay at the hotel.
01:22:17.000He went into a locker, a housekeeping door that was open, grabbed a sheet or whatever, put it over his dick, and walked down to the hotel and they just gave him a key...
01:27:17.000When in England, a show's great from the start because usually he's getting paid the most and everyone else does 20 minute sets and this guy, he's presenting.
01:29:15.000So I figured if they could go on stage and break the crowd in, like you go out to a cold crowd every night, a packed crowd, Right, but those guys have personalities that people love from hearing them on your show.
01:32:27.000I'd make Brian Hennigan, my manager, or Chaley go up and just say anything if there was no opening act just so Junior didn't have to go up cold because he's got nothing other than his jokes.
01:33:00.000So even just my tour manager going up, going, hey, everyone doing great, okay, turn off your cell phone, just announcements, and then bring him up.
01:35:43.000Like, wow, you just gave me money for this?
01:35:45.000Yeah, no, I've come to grips with the fact that I have a scam for a living, and I've had no tough life, and there's no way I should get paid for this.
01:35:55.000But, like, when I did fraud telemarketing before this, you go, hey, if you don't fuck them over, someone else will.
01:36:03.000The first time I ever got paid, I worked for a guy named Warren McDonald.
01:36:06.000Warren McDonald had a brother that was, he would do the...
01:38:51.000That Little Stitches was the little dark room.
01:38:53.000It was amazing unless you were a young mullet-haired kid and your brother came to see you for the first time and you ate shit in front of everyone.
01:39:09.000We were talking about this, I don't know if it was Burr or Kreischer, but that would be a great set list show, kind of themed show, is break out your first notebooks.
01:45:45.000Because, yeah, people that are fucking decent at the border where I live, and they'll leave water out for people that have trekked across the desert and leave jugs of water.
01:46:30.000The idea that we're going to keep these people from coming over where there's jobs just because they were fucking shit out of luck.
01:46:37.000Here's how you attack the militiaman guy.
01:46:41.000Because they're all family people and Jesus.
01:46:45.000Hey, if your kids were fucking shitty, would you not try to make their life better by doing that?
01:46:52.000As a father, anytime you go after their kids and put it on their kids, they have to wait.
01:47:00.000Would you not try to make your child's life better by getting to a better place?
01:47:04.000If we really believe in humans, just the concept of human beings, you really believe that humans are just a born bundle of potential.
01:47:13.000If you're not a total, complete racist, where you think that your race is superior or you're superior because of Whatever shape you are or color you are, if you're not that, then the idea of borders and keeping people that are poor out of places where they don't have to be poor anymore because there's jobs,
01:47:33.000It's funny how people talk about all these immigrants flooding over the border.
01:47:37.000I've been down to visit you a couple times.
01:47:40.000And I was driving to El Paso from your place once, and there's that one small road that goes from Bisbee straight to El Paso, and it's right along the border.
01:47:48.000And there's, like, army troops out there with camouflage.
01:48:34.000But the real issue isn't right now that we don't have enough resources to deal with the people that are at hand.
01:48:39.000The real issue is there's people that have no access to resources.
01:48:42.000There's people that have their resources monopolized by gigantic corporations in the military-industrial complex.
01:48:48.000And there's people that live in poverty where the places where they live are some of the richest places in the fucking world.
01:48:53.000It's more of a greed issue and a money issue and a domination issue than it even is a resource issue.
01:48:59.000If you just took the amount of oil that's coming out of places where the people are incredibly poor and you just looked at that on the graph and said, how the fuck is this possible?
01:49:07.000How is it possible that the place where these people were just born is just incredibly rich in natural resources, but a company that doesn't have anything to do with this area has somehow or another acquired the rights to suck it out of the ground, and the people that work in the factories are incredibly poor?
01:49:35.000Yes, it is about resources because there's more people all the time and that's why we need more resources.
01:49:41.000It is, but it's about what do they do with that money?
01:49:43.000If they'd use that money to enrich these people, it's been proven that when you get people into an industrialized setting, you get people into a nice city, they have plumbing, their amount of children they have drops.
01:49:55.000That's one of the number one concerns about all the people that believe in overpopulation.
01:49:59.000There's another school of thought amongst real scholars.
01:50:03.000I'd say that overpopulation exists in rural areas, third world countries, a lot of different places, India, China, what have you.
01:50:10.000But when places become stabilized and people start having careers and lives, the number of children they have actually drops.
01:50:17.000It drops to like every couple will have like one and a half kids or something like that, you know, per statistic.
01:50:22.000So it's not that these people are, everyone's fucking too much.
01:50:26.000But the numbers of people keep going up.
01:51:08.000But it doesn't mean that it has to stay that way.
01:51:10.000Once industrialization, this is just science when it comes to population control.
01:51:15.000When you industrialize an area, the people have less children.
01:51:19.000Because when the people start getting careers, they have less children.
01:51:22.000So even though you might have an area that has a lot of people right now, if that area improves in the quality of their infrastructure, their economy, all these different variables, Obviously I don't have a dog in this fight.
01:51:35.000But once they start doing that, the number of babies they have actually drops.
01:52:42.000Because the people that I know are all people.
01:52:44.000The people that I love are all people.
01:52:46.000They started out being fucking babies, and then they became awesome.
01:52:49.000I mean, that's all the people that I know had to start out somewhere as people.
01:52:53.000If we want to believe that the human race can carry on and more Tom Rhodes and Doug Stanholms and more interesting people can exist that way, someone's got to make a fucking person.
01:53:02.000It doesn't mean that we should all, and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with not doing it.
01:53:06.000There ain't anything wrong with doing it.
01:53:07.000But that's not our number one fucking problem.
01:55:03.000We were doing a podcast, and this guy just starts walking towards us, and he starts walking on stage, and I was like, three seconds, I was about to go, hey, sir, you can't just...
01:55:10.000But then right when I did it, Tony Hinchcliffe goes, Roddy, Roddy Piper, everyone!
01:55:42.000I try to have my prostate timed with Tom Rhodes so I can start pissing when he talks about Zizek and get back right at the end of the beat.
01:58:00.000Rowdy Roddy Piper was just beating Ari with a belt in this video, and we were saying that they, that's for him, that's what the fuck they did.
01:58:06.000They used to hit each other with chairs and shit.
01:58:46.000He goes to these local North Carolina wrestling matches where these amateur guys, they're not making any money, and they're cutting themselves with razor blades to make themselves bleed.
01:58:55.000One guy puts barbed wire all over himself, and they charge into each other with barbed wire, beat each other with barbed wire sticks and shit.
01:59:35.000They had the new guys starting out, and then intermediaries, and then Jake the Snake Roberts, who's now playing in Armory in Kearney, Nebraska.
02:00:22.000It made me want to do a documentary about all the 80s comedians who thought they had it made because all of a sudden it's like the oil boom now in North Dakota where everyone's making $5,000 a week with book jokes.
02:02:34.000Lynn Shawcroft, you know, Hedberg's wife, and bingo, they've been drinking a lot.
02:02:40.000So I go to the downstairs bar after the show to meet them and some producer friend Hollywood types.
02:02:47.000And I'm all like, hey, I'm nervous because I'm fucking starstruck by Justine Bateman at way too late of an age to be starstruck by Justine Bateman.
02:03:03.000Bingo and Shawcroft are so fucked up and they're, like, spilling the tables and everyone's trying to be polite and ignore the fucking elephants in the room.
02:03:12.000They have a pizza on one of those trays that's being heated from the bottom and Shawcroft knocks the pizza.
02:03:19.000Shawcroft, her excuse is that she's on a, uh, what's the diet where you can't have carbs?
02:07:01.000It's like naked people and people getting beaten by belts and all this chaos, and this woman was beating this guy with a belt, and I was thinking, oh my god, I can't believe she's got to follow this.
02:07:13.000Like, how is she going to fucking follow this?
02:09:14.000If they were both gay, and they went into comedy...
02:09:18.000I back gay marriage, but you're talking interracial, and I'm out.
02:09:23.000My favorite thing you've ever done outside of your comedy is that fucking Bisbee town hall thing that you did, where you went up there and...
02:09:30.000Oh, you didn't see the one where I ate shit the next time.
02:10:01.000And the next time I went, when they were actually voting on the referendum for civil unions, and I sat in the back listening to all these Christians speak, and I just...
02:10:13.000Like, you watch the opening acts, and you go, I can riff off of this.
02:10:16.000And I developed this bit in my head that was not ready, and I went up to speak, and instead of hearing the, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your headliner, and applause, I realize there's dead silence.
02:10:29.000And I'm walking through water, and I went up to speak, and I lost my breath.
02:10:36.000I started to talk, and I see the mayor looking at me like, why are you up here?
02:11:20.000I fell apart where I... I'm talking to a cop with a dead hooker in my trunk, and then all the eyes are getting worse, and then I start flop sweating, and I'm going,
02:11:36.000this is why I'm going to default lines.
02:11:38.000This is why I normally drink when I... And Rosa Parks!
02:11:44.000And I had to leave in shame knowing that the fucking mayor and one of the councilmen and the rest of my friends have seen this and they're coming to my house.
02:12:27.000It was the dream that you have where you don't know what the fuck you're doing on stage, and you wake up going, oh, fucking thank God that was just a dream.
02:12:36.000But it was real, and it was really, to this day, I see people that were at that city council meeting, and I go, I should kill myself.
02:19:12.000Because I was a real boxing fan, purist, and I absolutely fell in love with it.
02:19:16.000But the seats were, like, way up in the top of the arena, and some guy was sitting in my seat, and I mentioned a guy was in my seat.
02:19:24.000I showed him the ticket, and I started talking to the guy.
02:19:26.000He was in, like, the next seat over, and I was so high up, and I had mentioned that Joe Rogan had gotten me the tickets, and the guy turned to me and goes, I thought you were better friends.
02:25:56.000I have a black girlfriend, and I said, it's okay if you fuck another black guy, just don't put pictures on the internet so people fuck with me.
02:26:07.000That is a racist, a guy with a black girlfriend that he's cheating on his wife with, saying, you can fuck other black guys, just don't put it on the internet.
02:28:13.000I mean, obviously in perspective, but the idea is, of course, we're paying attention to this guy because he's a billionaire.
02:28:19.000Because he owns a gigantic sports franchise.
02:28:21.000And he also made a shit-fucked ton of money off of black people.
02:28:26.000And apparently he's not happy about black people banging his side piece.
02:28:29.000The whole thing is hilarious that it's so mild, the things that he said, whether it's racist or not, so mild in the context that he said it in the comfort of his own home.
02:29:27.000How many people out there have that grandfather-slash-uncle-slash-guy that you listen to him at Thanksgiving dinner say way worse shit with, like...
02:29:40.000The epithets, saying nigger and spick and everything, and you all just go, do you want some more butternut squash, Uncle Harry?
02:29:49.000Yeah, but the thing is, everything's going to be recorded.
02:29:52.000There's just recording devices everywhere.
02:29:54.000Well, it's an example of what we're learning.
02:34:03.000Because it slowly happens with a TMZ tape that the fucking mistress of Donald Sterling releases or Mel Gibson's crazy rants, his racist rants at a cop or, you know, whatever.
02:34:17.000But when you're sitting in a cubicle and you went on a date with another guy in the office and you're typing on Facebook going, he's fucking...
02:34:27.000He was kind of nice, but he's filthy and he has bad breath and he chews with his mouth open.
02:34:33.000All of a sudden, yeah, now you're reading that on Facebook about you.
02:34:37.000It's no longer TMZ about some celebrity.
02:34:40.000Now you're finding out the truth about how someone feels about you on the internet.
02:34:46.000And you go, oh my god, that's how people feel about me?
02:34:52.000Yeah, people find out shit about you without being famous.
02:34:57.000You're not famous, but you read, oh, this is my cousin just said this about me in social networking, and now I know, yeah, no one has any secrets.
02:35:21.000They're coming up with technology on a day-to-day basis that is establishing the very steps to take to not just be able to send each other pictures or emails on a phone, but to be able to do it mind to mind.
02:36:00.000Well not only that, what if they come up with something that fucking regenerates you?
02:36:03.000What if they come up with something like this mouse thing where they're injecting young mice blood into these mice and making the mice regenerate And they're actually regenerating brain tissue and reversing the signs of aging.
02:36:14.000This is like legitimate scientific experiments they're doing on mice where they're showing that this is a potential thing that might work on all mammals.
02:39:34.000I mean, the reason why we have these ideas about, like, skull and crossbones, the nepotism that, you know, these family fucking groups that get handed down.
02:39:45.000My son will be in skull and crossbones as well.
02:39:48.000They all get together and they put on diapers and paddle each other and suck each other's dicks and take Polaroids of it, put it in a vault in the middle of fucking Yale, somewhere deep in a dungeon.
02:39:56.000I mean, that's because these guys have been in control of some ridiculous thing that they should have never had the power to wrap their fucking greedy little fingers around.
02:40:05.000Billions and billions and billions of dollars with no work at all.
02:42:18.000You can't take that pussy with you, said Tom Rhodes.
02:42:20.000I was talking to somebody a couple weeks ago, and every time I mentioned someone's name, the entertainer, the guy was on the internet, and I think it's like networth.com.
02:42:28.000You can punch in anybody's name, and it says what their net worth is.
02:44:07.000He's an old wrinkly coin sack filled with flesh and some shitty hollow chicken bones that barely carry his old wounded hips around his fucking million dollar mansion.
02:45:51.000She had one fucking line she was supposed to say for the news fucking soundbite, and she fucked it up.
02:45:58.000Are you saying you did not look at that chick for a fraction of a second and summer up completely knowing what a horrible fucking L.A. gold digger, whatever label...
02:46:15.000But it's like my old bit about Anna Nicole Smith and her fucking husband, J. Howard Marshall, that billionaire guy, that everybody was like, no, but the idea is that, well, of course.
02:50:15.000I'm at a place now where I've met so many comics over the years and I've been kind of away from them for 10 years that I met Steve Byrne and I assumed I knew him.
02:50:25.000And he's like, oh, it's so nice to meet you.