In this episode, Joe talks about the new cell phone company Ting and why he thinks they re going to kill the cell phone industry. Also, he talks about mushrooms and how they can make you smarter than you were before they existed. Joe Rogan Experience is brought to you by Ting, the mobile phone company that does everything their way, no contracts, no early termination fees, they sell you the phone. Instead of this bullshit, if you buy a phone from a regular provider, not a regular service provider, you re not really buying the phone for the most part. What you're paying for the phone up front, like the phone only costs $200 with a contract, but they trick you into getting in debt with them. And then when you want to leave, they go, oh, well, you can't leave unless you give them an early termination fee, they make you pay, they take your money, and then you get a phone that costs less than $200 a month, but you have to pay a lot more than $600 a month to keep your phone service up and running. Joe also talks about how long distance on your cell phone is gone, and how he thinks it s time to get out of the phone game and get a new one. And why he doesn t want to get a cell phone anymore, because he thinks that cell phone companies are going to go the way of the old days where you used to be able to call your friends and family when you weren t on the road. We're also bringing you the best Android phones you can get on the go. We also talk about how you can make money by using your phone, and why you don't need to pay for your phone through a credit card. and how you don t need a bill to get the most expensive phone in the world. Joe also gives you a discount code to use the service you get when you re on Ting to save money on your phone. This episode is sponsored by Onnit, which is a human optimization tool that helps you optimize your productivity and boost your productivity. Onnit is a whole bunch of stuff, so you can optimize your life, your brain, your day-to-day life, and your brain is better than you think it is, and you can be more productive, more productive and more efficient, and more productive. If you like drugs, you ll love it! Shroom Tech is a company that makes it.
00:00:43.000Instead of this bullshit, if you buy a phone from a regular provider, not a regular provider, but one of the big ones, what you're doing is you're not really buying the phone for the most part.
00:00:52.000What you're doing is you're paying for some of the phone up front, like the phone only costs $200 with a contract.
00:03:39.000What Onnit is, is a human optimization website.
00:03:42.000What we do is we sell you everything that we have found to be beneficial, whether it's for strength and conditioning, whether it's for cognitive enhancing performance, whether it's for athletic performance, like Shroom Tech Sport.
00:03:53.000If you're a person that works out I will guarantee you this.
00:04:34.000If you take new mood, and I'm not even fucking around, I think I can mark a difference when you get obsessive about something and you can't let it go.
00:06:43.000It's so funny that you guys are still as close as you are.
00:06:47.000And considering that you guys met via the online and him doing videos, because everyone's like, if you have a podcast, everyone's like, I want to be your Red Ben.
00:09:11.000I think what people know of Doug is different than what you know of Doug.
00:09:16.000Well, I think it's one of those things where whenever someone's a comedian, it's like this rabble-rousing, drinking, you know, abortion proponent.
00:09:44.000One of the things that's a real problem with that kind of edgy comedy, one of the reasons why edgy comedy a lot of times sucks, the distastefulness, a lot of it, what it comes from is a lot of these fucking guys that are faking it.
00:09:57.000What they're doing is they're trying to be edgy.
00:10:00.000They're trying to find the edgy point of view.
00:10:03.000I mean, how many times have you gone to like...
00:10:05.000Either an open mic night or a showcase night, and there's a comic that goes up that's saying a bunch of really mean shit that's not funny, but he thinks it's going to be funny if he's just edgy.
00:10:15.000If he just says something inflammatory or rude or mean.
00:11:15.000That becomes a real problem with comics, by the way.
00:11:18.000Shout out to the young comedians out there listening.
00:11:20.000Do not try to make the back of the room laugh.
00:11:24.000That becomes a real issue and it's ruined guys' careers.
00:11:28.000Where comics will say obscure shit just to make their comedian friends go, You are only making someone laugh who knows you're doing anti-comedy.
00:11:39.000There's guys that were talented funny guys that thought that telling an actual funny joke was beneath them.
00:11:47.000And what they wanted to do was only make the comics laugh because those are their peers.
00:12:44.000And I remember Patrice and I were on fucking stitches, and we were like, but he wasn't, he was really hoping everyone would get that, but no one got it except for the two of us.
00:12:55.000Like, the joke was, and it's very obscure, but there was a book written, and I only know this because I was working at Barnes& Noble at the time, there was a book written about a baseball team that raped a mentally challenged girl in Jersey, and they all got away with it.
00:13:25.000She's laughing like the special needs girl that just got raped by the baseball team.
00:13:28.000And said, okay, I'll see you guys tomorrow.
00:13:31.000Like, the special needs girl didn't understand that what had just happened was horrible to her, and Dave was making that analogy that she didn't understand that he wasn't being nice.
00:13:55.000I was just hanging out, and I was visiting my family, and I'd go in and do radio in the morning, and she came by, and she was like, he needs to leave.
00:14:06.000And Coward's like, oh, he's not promoting anything.
00:14:46.000Because I wanted to pay her like the biggest fucking compliment because I'd known her when she would wear the gold chains on stage and the rings.
00:14:53.000She used to wear gold chains in the ring?
00:14:54.000Oh, she used to go on stage with a huge Mercedes emblem.
00:15:27.000Maybe she takes so much shit or took so much shit from comedians that she just didn't want to have anything to do with the possibility of being judged.
00:15:39.000Especially if she did a lot of, you know, she experimented with a lot of stuff and tried really hard.
00:15:45.000A lot of people gave her a hard time for her racial jokes, saying that she was trying too hard to be edgy and they would just be really mean to her.
00:16:22.000Maybe it's just fucking too many dudes were fucking with her, you know?
00:16:25.000Maybe it was just too much, so she just had this keep your eyes on the prize type thing in her head, and, you know, this guy's gonna fuck with my vibe.
00:16:52.000She was getting a lot of heat for being a hack back then by a lot of comics, because that was when she was just starting to become successful.
00:16:59.000And you know that thing when people just start to become successful?
00:17:02.000The wave of resentment from all the fucking...
00:17:05.000All the comedians that just shit on you.
00:19:39.000If you have a porn tape and it backfires, like if you do a porn tape and you get a little dick, Like you have no reference for how big a dick is?
00:19:54.000Didn't that guy who was the fucking shooter in Santa Barbara say that he didn't watch porn because he would get jealous of the men in the porn videos?
00:20:02.000I'm pretty sure that that was something that that crazy fucking said.
00:20:16.000I wasn't going to, but yesterday I found myself watching it.
00:20:19.000I was just clicking through and looking at other stuff online and this...
00:20:23.000One of the reasons why I watch it is because it's now become this really odd thing where it's these feminists and men's rights groups are using it as a platform to do battle.
00:20:42.000And I think what their campaign is, what they're trying to do with this hashtag is they're saying Guys are saying not every guy is like him.
00:20:52.000And what they're saying is, yeah, but yes, all women are subject to those assholes.
00:20:57.000And that yes, all women get fucked with.
00:21:05.000My problem with all this from both sides is that it's not going to fix mentally deranged people.
00:21:12.000And we're also not being completely objective with why he is the way he is.
00:21:17.000There's obviously something really fucking wrong with your brain if you can go out and shoot a bunch of people and then shoot yourself, okay?
00:21:28.000And obviously, he had some extreme issues with his personality.
00:21:33.000If you watch the video, and you don't have to, I mean, I just did yesterday, but if you watch that video, you can see, like, he's a psychopath.
00:21:42.000There's something really wrong with this guy.
00:26:14.000And they just look forward to Saturday and Sunday, and then Monday comes along, and they bite down on their mouthpiece, and they fucking just go out there swinging.
00:26:22.000And pick up those bags of cement and carry them up that fucking ramp.
00:27:54.000Because when someone is just telling you what to do all day and it's physically back-breaking and not rewarding, we're designed to want to play.
00:30:24.000I was doing something somewhere, and I walked by, and the girl that was working the front desk didn't have a bra on, but her blouse, definitely, you could see, they didn't look like nipples, they looked like mounds on her tits.
00:30:41.000And I just got caught off guard, and I was like, what is that?
00:32:03.000Let's get back to what we were talking about to begin with, which was this battle that's going on with the men's rights and the feminists.
00:32:10.000It's pretty fascinating because I read this blog today where this...
00:32:13.000Alright, here's the thing about all this stuff.
00:32:17.000It's certainly important to be nice to women.
00:32:20.000It's certainly important to be nice to men.
00:32:23.000It's certainly important that we all get along and be cool with each other.
00:32:26.000But there's things that happen when something goes down and these really extreme versions of these ideas emerge.
00:32:35.000And on the men's side, the men's rights, some of these fucking creepers, some of these people are so gross that one of the things that they're saying is that if women fucked this guy, that he wouldn't have gone on this rampage.
00:32:48.000And it's because all you stuck-up bitches wouldn't fuck this guy like this is what you created.
00:32:57.000There's people out there in this world that genuinely suck.
00:33:00.000And they genuinely hate women, and for whatever reason, whether it's the programming they got from their mother, whether it's the genetics that they got from their parents and their grandparents, I don't understand how personality is totally created.
00:33:18.000I think there are occasionally, though, horrible examples of people who have gone through life and just been shit on and fucked over and they've turned into monsters.
00:33:27.000And so you'll run into them at age whatever, 30, whatever the fuck old that guy is that wrote that thing, and you essentially have a woman-hating monster.
00:33:35.000That's the difference between feminism and the men's rights, guys.
00:33:40.000Because if feminism, if they don't like men, no one's going to rape me.
00:33:45.000You know, if women are upset with men, you know, if you run into a similarly unhinged woman, and she's bummed out about dudes, it's very rare that she's going to resort to violence.
00:35:23.000And the douchey, fucked up men victimize more women than the women victimize men.
00:35:29.000If a woman victimizes a man, here's the big one you always hear.
00:35:31.000The big one you always hear is, this fucking bitch, she schemed him, she married him, she got pregnant, she took all his fucking money, it was a plan the whole time.
00:36:51.000There's a big difference between A guy who's willing to just get in his car and start shooting people because chicks won't fuck them.
00:36:58.000And some girl who's trying to con some rich dude into marrying her and getting her pregnant so she could get a lot of money and fuck him over in a divorce.
00:37:09.000That's the worst thing that can happen?
00:37:12.000Child care and child support are the two ones that are really creepy because some relationships they get so fucked up and again It's not a man versus woman thing.
00:37:20.000It's an evil person thing like Men will be accused of doing crazy shit to their kids that they've never done anything But the wife hates the man so much like maybe the guy fucked around on her with some woman at work or something like that and got her pregnant some craziness and they're getting divorced women will say Some evil shit.
00:37:39.000Just like men will say some evil shit.
00:37:41.000Men will make up things about their wife having affairs.
00:38:39.000But my point of view is that, I mean what I've already said, but also that I think there's a lot of people that jump up when these things happen.
00:38:48.000And they look to make a big grand statement.
00:38:51.000And I don't know if they're making a big grand statement because they really think they're going to change things or because they want like moral brownie points.
00:38:59.000Do you know those things where people do where you're like, ooh, I think you're kind of being gross here.
00:39:07.000Sometimes when people do, they'll talk about shit and you're like...
00:39:11.000I know that you believe this, but I also know you are loving all this, like, positive, progressive brownie points you're getting with this article.
00:39:20.000There's like a bit of ego behind it that's quite distasteful.
00:39:38.000I didn't read her article per se, but it was a feminist writing an article about Seth Rogen saying this is what you get when you get...
00:39:45.000When you make these male-oriented movies, like Neighbors, where the women are just kind of like goodie bags at the end of the movie, and the women don't have a voice.
00:39:54.000By the way, I never fucking listen to what I say.
00:40:00.000I started this off by saying I had genital warts.
00:41:17.000And then when there's finally—1968 was the original Planet of the Apes— And when there's finally a scene where there's a black eye in it, the black eye was like a maniac.
00:41:27.000I forget what the thing was, but the black eye was like a complete over-the-top, you know, like, this motherfucker crazy!
00:42:32.000But if you're, you know, it's normal, but if you go to the black theater and you're watching it surrounded by black people and you're like, oh my god, we're gross.
00:45:51.000Because, yeah, because you heard, I was telling it on Opie and Anthony, but the whole thing was that I dated a girl with cerebral palsy, didn't know she had cerebral palsy because I was drinking so much, and Patrice thought that was fucking hilarious.
00:48:38.000I would think it would be better if you just read it and if you fucked up, just comment on the fact that you fucked that word up and just keep going on.
00:48:47.000They'd get the book, the whole book, but they'd also get the experience of you reading the book, like you separating yourself from the book while you read it.
00:48:56.000I don't know what it's going to sound like, because I did acknowledge it when I did fuck up, because I'm a comic, so I would work the piece as I was on stage.
00:49:07.000Okay, so did they keep that in or did they edit that stuff?
00:49:10.000I think they kept some of it in, but they couldn't have kept all of it in.
00:49:13.000That's so weird, though, that they decide what gets left in and what comes out.
00:49:17.000Dude, this whole book writing process has been vulnerable as fuck because you really let go of it because it's an entirely different industry.
00:50:09.000It's why the Dragon Dictate didn't work for me because you'd talk it into this Dragon Dictate and it would put it right into the computer, like print it.
00:50:16.000But it didn't work for me because it sounded spoken.
00:50:20.000And one of the hard things for me was I did that same thing where they wanted all the stories I had told on stage or on podcasts.
00:52:07.000So he brings me up front, in front of all the kids, and he makes me stand up, and he puts a basketball behind my legs like this, and then one on my arms like this.
00:55:31.000I've never seen a movie by myself at that time, and I just sit down, and I keep looking for them, but I can't fucking find them.
00:55:37.000But then, the movie starts, and it's a great fucking movie.
00:55:39.000And it's a movie about a loner kid, like myself, that doesn't know anyone, and he's trying to break into the new group, just like I was doing at tennis camp, and I really get involved in it.
00:55:47.000I get so involved in the movie that when he does the fucking crane kick and kicks the guy, I start bawling fucking crying, thinking, I'm Danielson.
00:55:57.000In my head, I'm like, I feel like Danielson.
00:55:59.000The house lights come up, and the fucking kids that had wanted me to meet were sitting directly like two rows in front of me.
00:58:36.000Me and my buddy Eddie took over this town one time.
00:58:42.000Not took over, but we told him we were writing a book, like right out of college.
00:58:45.000We told him we were writing a book for MTV about partying.
00:58:48.000And then these girls threw a fucking insane party for us, and they were all like fucking, I mean, it was like just out of a movie, and then we all drank together, and then I'm trying to fuck this chick at like 3 in the morning, and she's like, she stops me, and she's like, buddy, I'm just doing enough to get in the book.
00:59:02.000And I'd forgotten about the book lie, so I'm like, what book?
01:02:40.000And Tony, and I've always said this, and I said this on your podcast the first time I told it, And it's one of those things, I wanted to put this story in the book because I wanted to clear up whatever rumor there was for good, and that is, when I smoked that with Tracy Morgan,
01:02:58.000I remember saying, what's in your weed?
01:03:00.000And then he said, you smoked Sherm or whatever.
01:03:03.000I went right over to Tony Woods, and Tony Woods was like, he's just fucking with you.
01:03:07.000So, like, I've always said that I thought he was fucking with me, that I didn't think I smoked PCP, that he was just fucking with me the whole night.
01:03:15.000So, like, or not, I don't fucking know, but I've never said, like, me and him, we're smoking PCP. What had happened was, the story he heard, the story everyone had heard, was...
01:03:36.000You know, so like in his thing, I think they were pretty much definitely smoking PCP all night long, and they were punching out car windows and having lightning bolt fights.
01:03:44.000It was a much better story his way, but my way was very attached to the truth of I didn't know.
01:04:35.000It's like an ABC after-school special on the former president.
01:04:39.000But while it's going on, I was like, I'm watching people pretend that these were the words that came out of all these people's mouths in this order.
01:05:22.000So when I wrote it in the book, I tried to be fair to Tracy because I don't want people saying he smokes PCP. I don't want him to have to defend that.
01:05:33.000So I had to write it very fucking accurate to exactly what happened so that when, if he does read it, he goes, oh yeah, there had to be more than one night like that.
01:08:25.000Like, you'd rather hear someone's process, write a book about their process, or the way they think, or the way they see things, as opposed to just, like, just the product of that.
01:08:33.000When I was 14, my mom moved in with my stepdad, who was a real piece of shit.
01:08:37.000You know, like, oh, man, I've heard too many stories like that before, you know?
01:09:47.000There's a problem that most of your time is going to be fine and everybody sits around waiting for the one moment when the fucking tsunami hits instead of enjoying all the moments up until that point.
01:10:22.000So you're always looking for the future and you're always worried about the past.
01:10:27.000Looking towards some moment where it's gonna all go bad and the fucking sky's gonna turn black and lightning bolts are gonna go sideways through the fucking town.
01:10:36.000Everybody's worried about that, but not enjoying I'm enjoying not things happening.
01:14:15.000Because here's the other thing is that I can totally not drink.
01:14:18.000But I couldn't, the thing is, I couldn't not drink on planes.
01:14:21.000I really genuinely could not not drink on planes.
01:14:24.000Like I got to a place that if I was on a plane or if I was getting on a plane, I had to drink and I would be physically ill having to put alcohol in my mouth at like for a six in the morning flight on a Sunday and you're just like, I'm fucking, like gagging going, this is disgusting, but I need to calm down because I'm freaking the fuck out.
01:14:41.000It's weird that that's the one public place where it's totally acceptable to get fucked up.
01:14:46.000I mean, the plane is the one public place where the people that work there who are also involved in making sure you're safe serve you booze.
01:19:00.000I have really good self-control, but if I start taking Adderall and getting a lot of shit done, I could see me justifying taking Adderall a lot and getting shit done.
01:19:10.000Well, time to get shit done and just fucking...
01:19:14.000Just fucking ramp up with some Adderall and start rebuilding a wing on my fucking house.
01:23:03.000The real pain was when I would lie there on the bed, like watching TV. And then when I would get up, when I put my foot on the ground, all the blood would rush to my knee.
01:23:12.000And it was like laser beams and razor blades and sand and hot lava.
01:28:22.000I get in the car and I start driving off.
01:28:24.000And as I'm driving, that's all I could think about.
01:28:26.000All I could think about is how crazy it would be to be a baby today.
01:28:30.000To be a baby today and, you know, you're going to have to grow up.
01:28:34.000By the time you're in high school, there's going to be mind-to-mind communication.
01:28:38.000You know, you're going to know, everyone's going to know everything about everybody.
01:28:42.000You're going to have some of the weirdest technology that's just, it's just on computers and drawing boards right now, but it's going to all exist.
01:28:52.000You know how crazy the world's going to be in 18 years?
01:28:54.000And these kids are growing up and experiencing it.
01:28:58.000I would want to be 10 years less, not all the way.
01:29:01.000I don't want, here's what, I'll be honest with you, I think Twitter and like email, I think it's the cause of depression with a lot of people.
01:29:11.000I look at Facebook and how much people share on there.
01:29:15.000I'm not going to say anyone's name, but I was following this girl who was talking about the breakup of her marriage and the fact that her husband was kind of having a hard time with it and that he was maybe, like, acting inappropriate or he came by and he asked to get some of his stuff.
01:29:29.000And she was sharing all this on Facebook with all these people.
01:29:32.000And all these people know her and her husband.
01:29:34.000But, I mean, if you look, I mean, all people do is talk about...
01:30:43.000One of the things that people were talking about when they were talking about this kid in Santa Barbara that went on this fucking killing spree was him being rejected.
01:30:51.000And this guy on this message board that I go to was talking about how he knew this kid in high school that was like that.
01:32:09.000Like, if you're born fucked up, like, if you have something deformed, or if you just have a weird skull, your fucking face looks weird, like, your whole life, people are gonna like...
01:32:21.000The normal reaction that people have to you is like...
01:32:25.000It's like it takes them a while to come up with the warmth.
01:33:01.000There's an organization called Operation Smile that I've donated to in the past, but I would do anything for because exactly what you're saying is what they fix.
01:33:12.000For like a hundred bucks, you fix a cleft palate on a child.
01:33:29.000Dude, that's a fucking great place to send money.
01:33:31.000If you're going to send fucking money, you can fucking change a person's life forever by gifting them this surgery.
01:33:41.000I think we're just starting to realize as a race, the human race is, over the last X amount of hundred or thousand years, we're just starting to realize that we have to kind of take care of each other better.
01:33:54.000We're constantly dealing with competition as well, though.
01:33:57.000And when the competition comes up, that's when people get this fuck-em attitude.
01:34:01.000Like, this guy who was angry at all these women, you know, this one that my friend online had talked about.
01:34:08.000When you think about that guy, that's almost like a guy who was in competition and kept losing over and over and over again and hated the competition.
01:34:21.000Human beings have got to figure out a way to stop that.
01:34:24.000Once we figure out a way to work together and stop competing about shit like that, But the problem is, there's always going to be people that have just massive unfair advantages.
01:34:34.000And that's one of the things that this kid was talking about, like when he described men as brutes.
01:34:40.000He said, girls just wanted to have sex with big muscle-bound brutes, you know?
01:34:45.000Like, in his mind, it's like he could never be a brute.
01:34:56.000You add that to the fact that he was a fucking psycho, and then boom.
01:34:59.000Whereas most people that are, you know, unfortunately built, or unfortunate looking, or have unfortunate genetics, or whatever it is, they just deal.
01:35:33.000Yeah, but regular looking human being.
01:35:35.000I mean, that's why I believe it formed my personality.
01:35:39.000Whatever soft shoe I know how to do to get people to like me was because I didn't have the fucking The jawline that maybe one of my buddies had.
01:35:48.000I have a buddy, I wrote about him in a book, my buddy Jeff Hartley.
01:35:51.000He's like one of the fucking best looking guys.
01:37:33.000Yeah, and so when I was on the road, if I was ever on the road, and we were together, she'd be like, I was in Portland one time, she called, she's like, we're fucking partying tonight.
01:37:43.000I've been on a tour, we're partying, and my wife's totally like, four in the morning, I'm in a hotel room with Schumer, and a bunch of people we don't know, and my wife's like, and I have to tell my wife, and she's like, oh, cool, tell Amy I said hi, tell her to keep her head on her shoulders, this fucking big whirlwind, because Amy kind of blew up all at once real quickly,
01:38:30.000When you talk a lot and quickly, like, anybody that's entertaining like that, like, every now and then you're gonna run into, like, a sentence that doesn't have an end.
01:38:38.000You're like, and, uh, so, yeah, Amy's my friend.
01:38:42.000You know, like, people end it that way.
01:41:22.000Like, his whole story was like, it was just like, I just wanted to go, you need to edit it, you need to throw in a little bit more interesting peeks into it.
01:41:29.000Well, not only that, he just totally took over our conversation.
01:41:32.000And there was like seven people in the room.
01:41:33.000There were so many people in the room where they're like, all of us had to just, like, we had no other choice.
01:41:36.000We were supposed to stare at this person talking.
01:46:20.000When people start recording each other, private citizens start recording each other, and not just the owner of the Clippers, that's when it's going to go fuck.
01:48:19.000You're getting away with something in another country that you could never get away with in America.
01:48:24.000That, in a way, is kind of dehumanizing.
01:48:29.000Because Let's imagine if they were doing that in the United States in the ghetto.
01:48:33.000Like, let's imagine they went to Compton or Watts, and they were doing this, and they were getting these people that believed they were being vaccinated, but really they were just withdrawing DNA. Could you imagine the outrage?
01:49:18.000You're giving them fake vaccinations so you could...
01:49:21.000If that is true, and again, I don't know if it is, but if it is, it's a...
01:49:27.000It's a practice that's as old as time.
01:49:29.000People have found a way to demonize the others, whether it's the people that they're at war with, whether it's, you know, you look back at the horrific things that the Nazis did to the Jews, look at the horrific things that the Mongols did to all these different places where they conquered.
01:49:44.000Look at throughout human history, every time a group has been able to identify another group as the enemy, they've been able to justify horrific things.
01:49:55.000And that's what happened with this fucking evil kid, this evil kid in Santa Barbara.
01:49:59.000And that's what's happening right now with these idiots, these male rights idiots that are battling it out with feminists online, going back and forth.
01:50:07.000These people that are actually saying that this guy, if girls fucked this guy, he wouldn't have gone on this killing spree.
01:50:28.000In Philadelphia, Joey Diaz was telling me a story about this guy that was there, and it was a football game, and he was, I don't know what team this guy was wearing a jersey of, but he got in a fight with these guys.
01:55:34.000And Vice, this guy, did a great job of breaking down the technical aspects of Hennenborough's style and how T.J. Dillashaw was able to exploit it.
01:55:44.000And in doing so, he used these animated GIFs as...
01:55:49.000Examples of different specific moments in the fight where things changed and what TJ did well and what Hennenborough did wrong.
01:55:56.000He's really good at breaking things down.
01:55:58.000But that's also, they're in cahoots with the UFC. That's why they're allowed to use those animated GIF files.
01:56:33.000Let's all stop the nonsense and realize that you're not going to get into a fucking fight with one of the greatest boxers that's ever walked the face of the world.
01:58:53.000How did they fuck up the Columbus Zoo?
01:58:55.000You know, Stephen Colbert did a really quick blurb about it, and he explains it perfectly, but pretty much what they did is they...
01:59:02.000They had this big ballot on the latest vote that said, hey, we need to make money or our zoo is going to close down.
01:59:10.000So we're going to raise property tax by just a teeny, teeny bit.
01:59:15.000And the Koch brothers were like, yeah, you're going to go up like 105% in your property taxes when in reality it was only going to be 20 bucks.
01:59:24.000But all the voters voted against it, and now the zoo's like, we're fucked.
01:59:47.000I think the only way you should really be able to have a zoo and be able to pretend that it's humane is do it the way they do it in Africa, but don't have people hunting there.
01:59:57.000You know, in Africa, the reason why they have so many goddamn animals now is because they have these huge preserves, thousands and thousands of acres, and they have these animals run free, but they do it so they can profit off it.
02:00:07.000They bring in hunters, and the hunters hunt these wild animals.
02:00:09.000So they think they're on a wild animal hunt, and they kind of technically...
02:00:13.000We're on a wild animal hunt, but really, it's a caged hunt.
02:00:16.000I mean, they are hunting lions, but those lions aren't going anywhere.
02:00:19.000It's a very sketchy area when it comes to people that believe in fair chase hunting, like the Africa thing is a fucker.
02:00:27.000Because the other problem is they do preserve those populations this way.
02:00:33.000Because other than that, no one else is trying to keep the eland alive.
02:00:36.000No one is working hard to make sure that all these different versions of antelope are in healthy populations.
02:00:42.000If it wasn't for these hunters, but...
02:00:45.000It gets real weird when you start thinking about zoos.
02:02:18.000We did the tour this time, and they had this whole thing that you could tell it's almost them getting ready for their version of blackfish that's coming up.
02:02:25.000Because they were already talking like, look, we hate animals in cages also.
02:03:14.000Now there's monkeys, like some monkeys.
02:03:16.000There's a billion of these monkeys, so they don't give a shit.
02:03:18.000But most of those animals in there are only in there for a reason, because they're injured or whatever, and then they're getting put back in the wild.
02:03:25.000And that's why these Koch brother things, where they're completely lying, all these animals are screwed.
02:03:32.000This is one of the best zoos in the nation, that they've taken care of so many, the white lion, or I think it was, it was an endangered white lion that they had there.
02:03:42.000It was like an albino lion or something?
02:04:20.000It was just the best childhood memory ever.
02:04:24.000Learning about animals, being at the zoo, you know, and it really sucks that zoos are getting kind of attached to this whole blackfish sea world bullshit because it's really...
02:04:35.000One's making profit and one's trying to make profit off of stolen animals from the water and one's just trying to help animals.
02:04:40.000Wait, are zoos more non-profit organizations?
02:04:45.000Well, the people that have an issue with zoos have an issue with the conditions.
02:04:50.000They have an issue like there was a zoo that I was driving limos once and I was coming home from a gig that I had.
02:04:56.000I had to drop somebody off in New Hampshire and I was driving down and There was a zoo, and just on a lark, I just said, well, let me see what this zoo looks like, and I went to this little tiny zoo, and there was a lion and a bear, and the lion,
02:05:12.000it was the saddest fucking thing ever.
02:05:14.000This lion was just pacing back and forth in this tiny little enclosure.
02:08:44.000It's a life completely outside of the adventure of being a lion.
02:08:50.000The adventure of being a lion is the adventure of being a predator.
02:08:53.000That's the whole thing about being a lion.
02:08:55.000That their whole existence is based on chasing down the weak.
02:08:59.000They're like the cleaning system and like...
02:09:03.000They're like making sure that the genetics of the wild stay strong.
02:09:07.000They're like the genetics integrity experts.
02:09:10.000Anybody that's weak, anybody that's limping, anybody that's slipping, anybody that gets cocky and goes near the waterhole without paying attention to the grass moving, you're fucksville!
02:09:20.000And that's how nature has it set up to make sure there's not too many fucking antelopes.
02:09:40.000Imagine being a fucking lion and there's glass and all these little pink monkeys have the audacity to look you in the fucking eye and you're like, damn!
02:09:49.000All day, everybody avoids your eye contact in the jungle.
02:09:52.000All day, you walk and walk around like a fucking hall monitor.
02:09:56.000Everyone sees you and like, get the fuck away.
02:10:37.000What they should do is take those old zoos that are kind of like haggard, and they should fill it with like celebrities.
02:10:45.000Like celebrities like no, I'm not saying Tom Sizemore is a mess, but give him booze and alcohol and put him in a cage and let you stare at him and him just say whatever the fuck he wants.
02:10:52.000Because he's getting paid a million dollars for one year to be in a cage.
02:11:18.000Well, it's better than my other idea, which was we just put cages in the wild and you can go in the wild and have those animals around you.
02:11:51.000And so they go out, and you get in the cage, they pull the boat away, and you're just sitting in a cage, just the boat's like 30 yards away from you, 40 yards away from you, and the sharks, there's at least 20 fucking sharks, 30 sharks.
02:12:05.000I've done this one place like five times.
02:12:15.000They were scared at first, but what happened was I just told the guys who ran the boat, who I knew, because I'd done it for TV, I told them, I said, you just be in charge.
02:12:31.000And so there's no point where they can get out of it by talking to me because I knew they wanted to do it, but I knew they were going to be scared.
02:12:36.000And I would never let them do something they didn't feel safe doing.
02:13:04.000The first look, you can see she's scared.
02:13:06.000Isla puts her face in the water, and then pops up, and I just caught it on the GoPro, and she's so excited, she throws her face right back in the water to look again.
02:13:51.000And it was surreal, but what's crazy as you think, if those whales decided they could just fucking jump up and land on the boat, the cage, and we're all dead as fuck.
02:14:14.000We've done it twice, and I love it so much because it's one of those moments where you really have this surreal life experience where it's like going to church and getting it.
02:16:15.000And so we get a thing full of pit bulls and we go...
02:16:19.000Catch a pig, hold it down, my guy grabs a knife, stabs it in the heart, and then when they tie it up, they tie the feet and legs together, like the wrists and the ankles together.
02:16:31.000And I wear it like a backpack carrying it out of the woods.
02:18:06.000Part of me was like, I don't know if I can do this.
02:18:07.000But everyone on the crew was like, shut the fuck up!
02:18:10.000So then everyone on the crew tried to do it.
02:18:11.000They couldn't even pull the compound bow back.
02:18:14.000There's a picture I posted on Instagram a while of my buddy Eric trying to pull the bow back, and he couldn't even get it all the way back.
02:21:01.000I bought my bow at this place in Los Alamitos, and the guy who owns it has been shooting bows and arrows since he was a kid, and he's probably in his 60s.
02:21:12.000And he just picked up this bow, slapped an arrow on it, and went...
02:21:20.000From picking the bow up, putting the arrow on, he had let go and nailed the target, hit a bullseye at 20 yards.
02:21:33.000He's like, when you've shot as many arrows as I have, you just kind of know where the arrow's going to go just based on the numbers, like the input.
02:21:41.000Like if you throw 100 free throws, you kind of get an idea of how hard you have to throw that free throw.
02:21:46.000You shoot 100 arrows, you go, oh, that's over there, and you Your brain almost has like a calculator as far as like distance.
02:21:52.000Like if you're going to throw a rock, you kind of know how far, you know, if I give you a rock and the rock is like the size of a golf ball, you're like, I think I could throw it over there.
02:22:01.000I kind of have a good idea where this rock's going.
02:22:12.000And then you start calculating it up in your brain.
02:22:15.000And then your mind knows exactly how high you should raise that arrow, you know, so that it compensates for the distance that it has to travel and the drop that it's going to have over the course of time.
02:24:50.000Isn't there a truth to the fact that what the pig eats, you are then eating?
02:24:53.000So if it's living off, like, fucking shitty vegetation, it's going to taste shitty.
02:24:58.000Because they were telling us, the pig, normally when they, they'll catch the pig, and then they'll put it and keep it and feed it good food.
02:34:20.000There's websites that actually, you know, do like where you can start your own brand of like vodka or whiskey and stuff like that.
02:34:28.000There's so much more to this that I'm not even sharing with you.
02:34:31.000Apparently your label needs to be approved by the FDA. Like, so it's, you can't, it can't be as simple as just being on a website and I only say that because we got to the places where it got really difficult and I was just like, it's not worth our time.
02:40:59.000It was like on Facebook, the people that now, obviously the book's been out, the people that were involved in the Russian train story have all heard about it.
02:41:06.000And so they're all replying like, yeah, I was there, 100% true.
02:41:09.000Even when you hear it, you're like, I fucking knew it!
02:41:11.000And you know you're telling the truth, but it's just, as a comic, like you said, your imagination takes over and you try to get the laugh and you never know.
02:41:21.000Yeah, it's weird when you go back and you think about those dudes.
02:45:05.000Well, you know, there's some dudes that will feel like you're fucking up their vibe if you're just constantly hitting on the yuck yucks and they're trying to get some Barry White music playing.
02:48:19.000There's a lot of shit that's kind of, I don't want to say obvious, but it's available.
02:48:24.000If you do the math, and the real problem is when guys find out that there's a bit that already exists and they don't drop their own, you're too thirsty then.
02:48:37.000You're also not confident enough in your own abilities.
02:48:41.000Because your own abilities, you should have enough confidence in the fact that you put in the hours, you work on your writing, you work on your craft, you work on your idea of being an artist, a stand-up comedian.
02:49:18.000Say, oh, there's a bit that, like, here's an example of one where I fucked up on, and I didn't even know I fucked up until years and years later.
02:49:26.000I did a bit about penguins, and it was about that March of the Penguins bit.
02:49:32.000Remember that movie, March of the Penguins, Morgan Freeman was hosting it?
02:49:36.000And I did a bit about, it's so obvious, about, you know, penguins are monogamous.
02:49:41.000But it's not that impressive because they look exactly the same.
02:49:44.000It's not like one is Rosie O'Donnell and one looks like Jenna Jameson.
02:50:22.000I think the year of her bit precedes the year of mine.
02:50:26.000Because I think she didn't even mention the March of the Penguins.
02:50:29.000I think it was before March of the Penguins even came out.
02:50:32.000That's one of the biggest fears of a young comic is if you're afraid to listen to people's albums because you're afraid they're going to do bits like you, you need to fucking start writing more.
02:50:41.000Well, you know, Jim Norton doesn't listen to other comedians for that very reason.
02:50:59.000And so Ari was extremely critical of it, but I've said that's why I want to do this.
02:51:02.000I want to look at me when I was young and fucking really bad and hungry and dirty and not clean about what I wanted or my dreams or my hopes because I don't want people to hear me just, me and him just glad hand me on a fucking, on a CD. And we did, and that was a lot of my fear as a young was just,
02:51:29.000I'm taking a big sabbatical after I wrap this, and I'm going to fucking write and work and start hanging out at clubs, but you gotta watch Young Comics and find out what they're doing.
02:52:16.000Because of the fact that there was so many...
02:52:17.000You would go on stage at the comedy store, and if you had a 10 o'clock spot, the show starts at 8, there might be three guys before you that did a fucking crocodile hunter joke.
02:53:53.000I'm grateful for my friendship with you too, pal.
02:53:55.000This has been a cool family to be involved in.
02:53:58.000And it is, it's one of the things I say, I said to Stan Hope, is one of my favorite things is the fact that I've earned the right to call myself a stand-up comedian and then have real conversations with real people like you guys because it's, you can't get this at a country club.
02:54:14.000Well, I think, you know, as we, Moshe Kasher yesterday, we were talking about, like, comics are, like, the only people that truly understand comics.
02:54:26.000That kind of a fuck-up and outsider that comes up with these ideas that other people are just...
02:54:31.000I mean, some people are going to be funny upon occasion.
02:54:33.000There's going to be a stress build-up and someone's going to be the guy that busts the bubble and releases and everyone's going to go, Oh, John, so funny!
02:54:39.000But there's a real difference between that and an Ari Shafir.
02:54:43.000There's a real difference between that and a craftsman who's out there.
02:56:34.000No, we all feed off of each other and it's what you make out of these relationships that is like, that's sort of your responsibility when you're around as many talented people as you can.
02:56:48.000If you just sort of lay back and become the guy where everybody goes, fucking, you know, Timmy doesn't write new jokes.
02:56:54.000This motherfucker is bombing all the time.
02:57:09.000Look, I've benefited from being friends with all of the people in this room, but I've also benefited from being friends with Duncan, from being inspired by him, by being inspired by Joey or Ari or Doug, or just, you know, fill in the blank, keep going.
02:57:25.000Whoa, almost got my computer again with my fucking Italian hand gesture.
02:59:43.000Go to O-N-N-I-T. Use the code word ROGAN and save 10% off of any and all supplements.
02:59:49.000For limited edition kitty cat t-shirts and all of the information about podcasts and any of Brian's comedy dates, go to deathsquad.tv and get your freak on.
03:00:01.000Including this Friday night, we'll be at the Ice House.
03:00:03.000In Pasadena, in the Little Room, doing an episode of Thunder Pussy, which is a completely improvisational podcast.