The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #515

00:00:02.000 That's right, bitches.

00:00:03.000 Round two.

00:00:05.000 We make choices like that.

00:00:06.000 If we were on a network, we would never just say, hey, can we do another hour?

00:00:10.000 Yeah, let's do another fucking hour.

00:00:11.000 Yeah.

00:00:11.000 How should we end this shit?

00:00:13.000 This episode, this episodeette, we'll call it an episodeette, is brought to you by Ting.

00:00:17.000 Ting, which is a mobile service.

00:00:20.000 When are they going to stop calling them?

00:00:21.000 They were trying to decide that recently.

00:00:23.000 Like, why do people still call them cell phones and mobile phones?

00:00:25.000 It's not cellular.

00:00:26.000 They're all smart, though.

00:00:28.000 But mobile means, like, we can move it with it, right?

00:00:30.000 Hmm.

00:00:31.000 Yes.

00:00:31.000 But it's so smart, it's not just mobile.

00:00:34.000 All phones are mobile now.

00:00:36.000 But if you have an iPhone, it's more than just...

00:00:38.000 Right.

00:00:38.000 It's not just mobile.

00:00:39.000 If you have an iPhone 5, that's not just a mobile phone.

00:00:41.000 That motherfucker has a computer in your pocket.

00:00:43.000 You can take pictures, make videos.

00:00:46.000 Yeah.

00:00:46.000 So what do you think we should call it?

00:00:48.000 Better name than a smartphone.

00:00:49.000 Some of the people in charge of names.

00:00:51.000 Come up with a better name, bitch.

00:00:52.000 Do your fucking job.

00:00:53.000 The point is, Ting has phones for sale, folks.

00:00:57.000 Okay?

00:00:57.000 They use the Sprint backbone and they rent time on it and then give you the same service that you would get if you had Sprint, but at a very reasonable rate.

00:01:06.000 How reasonable?

00:01:07.000 I'm glad you asked, Ari Shafir.

00:01:09.000 How reasonable are we talking about?

00:01:10.000 98% of people would save money with Ting.

00:01:12.000 That's a lot of goddamn people.

00:01:13.000 That's almost like saying everybody.

00:01:15.000 98%?

00:01:17.000 There's just two fucking weirdos that somehow or another have strange data usage and they wouldn't save money.

00:01:23.000 Ting has, the way Ting is set up is you only pay for what you use, which I think is what the whole world is going to have to do in the future.

00:01:32.000 Because just like you used to have to pay for long distance if you called your friend in New York, you remember that?

00:01:37.000 Yeah.

00:01:37.000 That shit's out the window now.

00:01:39.000 They had to abandon it.

00:01:40.000 Candidly, still got that.

00:01:41.000 Canada still has that.

00:01:42.000 Yeah.

00:01:43.000 I had a joke that didn't work.

00:01:45.000 Oh, really?

00:01:45.000 A homeless guy asking about his cell phone and saying it's not long distance.

00:01:48.000 I'm like, wait, it's never long distance.

00:01:49.000 And in Canada, I was like, what do you mean?

00:01:51.000 What do you mean?

00:01:52.000 They also have socialized medicine.

00:01:53.000 You gotta take the good with the bad.

00:01:54.000 Pros and cons, son.

00:01:56.000 Pros and cons.

00:01:57.000 Yeah.

00:01:58.000 But what they do is they only charge you for what you use.

00:02:00.000 So, because of that, like, you don't have, like, a lot of people, they'll have a plan, 100 minutes, or whatever the hell it is.

00:02:08.000 A lot of times you use way less than that, especially with phone calls.

00:02:11.000 Who the fuck makes phone calls anymore?

00:02:14.000 Or probably way less phone calls than you would just a few years ago because people text so much.

00:02:21.000 But you oftentimes don't use all your minutes, but you don't get credit for those.

00:02:25.000 And Ting used to do that.

00:02:26.000 They used to give you credit.

00:02:27.000 But now they said, you know what?

00:02:28.000 We've got a better way to do this.

00:02:29.000 Just pay for what you fucking use.

00:02:31.000 Oh, really?

00:02:31.000 No early termination fees.

00:02:33.000 No cancellation fees.

00:02:34.000 Pay for what you use.

00:02:35.000 Yeah, you didn't use it while you were paying for it.

00:02:36.000 That's what I'm saying!

00:02:37.000 Why don't you have to guess ahead of time?

00:02:38.000 It's in the game of spades.

00:02:39.000 Jesus fucking Christ!

00:02:40.000 Someone get it right!

00:02:42.000 They also have the best Android phones that you could buy.

00:02:44.000 All the cool ones.

00:02:45.000 All the fascinating new gadgets.

00:02:49.000 They have the Samsung Galaxy S3. They have that Moto Max that we were talking about.

00:02:56.000 They have that LG G Flex Samsung Galaxy S5. Galaxy Note 3 is what I meant to say.

00:03:03.000 And that HTC, the HTC One, the M8, which is pretty fucking slick.

00:03:08.000 A lot of really cool shit.

00:03:10.000 All the best and most groovy new cell phones.

00:03:13.000 And if you use rogan.ting.com, you can save yourself $25 off any new phone.

00:03:22.000 Rogan.ting.com.

00:03:24.000 Alright, Ari Shafir is here.

00:03:25.000 This is what we call a...

00:03:29.000 Podcastette.

00:03:30.000 So we will do an abbreviated version of the commercials.

00:03:32.000 This, by the way, is the size of most people's whole podcast.

00:03:35.000 Fuck them!

00:03:36.000 Fuck those people!

00:03:37.000 Cue the music on, Jamie!

00:03:41.000 The 209, bro.

00:03:43.000 This is what happens when Brian's not here.

00:03:44.000 The whole place goes to shit.

00:03:47.000 Look at you.

00:03:48.000 Train by day.

00:03:49.000 All night.

00:03:50.000 You don't know what the fuck you're doing now.

00:03:51.000 You train and then the night comes and you stop training.

00:03:54.000 Get it right.

00:03:54.000 Are you ready?

00:03:55.000 Did you get it right?

00:03:56.000 The sound is all fucked up.

00:03:57.000 Oh, you're a mess.

00:03:58.000 But can the folks hear us?

00:03:59.000 They can hear you.

00:04:00.000 Okay.

00:04:01.000 We don't need that music.

00:04:02.000 We already had the music once today.

00:04:04.000 Yeah.

00:04:05.000 We probably...

00:04:05.000 We got greedy.

00:04:06.000 Tried to double music it.

00:04:08.000 You can't do that.

00:04:08.000 It's not a two for Tuesday.

00:04:09.000 R. Shafir has so many stories about China.

00:04:11.000 We talked about so many other things besides the stories about China.

00:04:14.000 We decided we have to keep going.

00:04:16.000 So you were about to tell some crazy noodle story.

00:04:18.000 Oh, yeah.

00:04:18.000 So they had these street meat, which is great.

00:04:20.000 And this is Shanghai?

00:04:21.000 That's me.

00:04:22.000 What was that?

00:04:22.000 I knocked into this table.

00:04:23.000 That sounds like a fucking truck fell over outside.

00:04:27.000 Yeah, Shanghai.

00:04:29.000 But they were like, be careful.

00:04:30.000 The meat's great.

00:04:31.000 There's kebabs.

00:04:32.000 You pick it up, they roast it, give it back to you.

00:04:34.000 Say 0.32, whatever it is.

00:04:37.000 For how much money?

00:04:38.000 Yeah.

00:04:38.000 You can get by with gesturing.

00:04:40.000 I learned hello and thank you.

00:04:42.000 Those are the only words I really knew.

00:04:44.000 Ni hao and shashar.

00:04:46.000 You know how I know that?

00:04:47.000 What?

00:04:47.000 Ni hao kailan.

00:04:48.000 It's a show my kids watch.

00:04:50.000 Really?

00:04:50.000 Kailan.

00:04:51.000 Ni hao kailan.

00:04:52.000 Yeah.

00:04:53.000 That's cool.

00:04:54.000 Ni hao.

00:04:56.000 That's crazy.

00:04:57.000 I can learn stuff from TV. Sha-sha.

00:04:58.000 Yeah.

00:04:59.000 So that's what you say?

00:04:59.000 Sha-sha?

00:05:00.000 Sha-sha.

00:05:01.000 It's like thank you.

00:05:01.000 Ah, okay.

00:05:02.000 It's also used some other way, but I don't know.

00:05:04.000 So how do you...

00:05:05.000 Gesturing.

00:05:06.000 I got sick of gesturing.

00:05:08.000 Really?

00:05:08.000 Yeah.

00:05:09.000 Except a couple times I would be about to go into a noodle store or something, like a shop, and I'd have to call my friend.

00:05:15.000 They gave me burner phones, which was nice, that I could use.

00:05:17.000 And I was like, hey, how do you say noodles and how do you say beef?

00:05:20.000 And they would tell me both words and I would just go in.

00:05:21.000 I'd be like, what was it?

00:05:23.000 I forget now.

00:05:24.000 Mian is noodles and...

00:05:29.000 One of the guys from the Matrix movie is the word for beef.

00:05:33.000 Who's the black guy from the Matrix?

00:05:35.000 Morpheus?

00:05:35.000 No, okay.

00:05:36.000 What's the main guy from the, what was his name?

00:05:38.000 Neo?

00:05:39.000 Neo, yeah.

00:05:40.000 That's how you say beef?

00:05:41.000 Neo.

00:05:42.000 Neo.

00:05:44.000 And what's the other one?

00:05:44.000 What's the noodles?

00:05:45.000 Mian.

00:05:46.000 Meow, mien.

00:05:47.000 Did you say mien, meow, or meow, meow?

00:05:48.000 I don't know.

00:05:49.000 But I said that, and then they point to the fucking menu.

00:05:52.000 There's 18 things.

00:05:53.000 I'm like, lady, come on!

00:05:54.000 You can see me struggling with...

00:05:56.000 If I'm foreign, and I come in, I go, beef?

00:05:59.000 Noodle?

00:06:00.000 Just pick something for him.

00:06:01.000 Just pick something.

00:06:03.000 Listen to who's saying this.

00:06:03.000 The amazing racist is saying this.

00:06:06.000 Where if you would be like, learn the language!

00:06:09.000 You fucks!

00:06:13.000 Those are parody sketches.

00:06:14.000 It's so true.

00:06:15.000 Of course, it doesn't really feel that way, ladies and gentlemen.

00:06:21.000 The comments on those are the best parts of them.

00:06:23.000 So many people got so angry at you for those.

00:06:24.000 The comments are the best.

00:06:26.000 Yeah.

00:06:26.000 Fools.

00:06:27.000 Fools!

00:06:27.000 They just argue back and forth.

00:06:29.000 It still goes.

00:06:29.000 Angry.

00:06:30.000 Angry fuckheads.

00:06:31.000 So the noodles.

00:06:32.000 So they have these noodles, these street noodles you can get.

00:06:34.000 And I was advised the first day, like, you don't want those.

00:06:36.000 And why?

00:06:36.000 Show me this video that I can send you right now.

00:06:38.000 You can put up.

00:06:40.000 But they are...

00:06:41.000 Here, put your email here and then just send it to me.

00:06:46.000 You can just send it to yourself.

00:06:49.000 So to get the oil, what they would do is they would go to the sewer.

00:06:54.000 They would take raw sewage out of the sewer and then boil it down the way they'd make wax, hash wax.

00:07:01.000 They'd boil off the sewage and whatever was left, that's cooking oil that they would use.

00:07:09.000 It's super fucking harmful.

00:07:10.000 And then sell to like a lot of the street noodle guys.

00:07:13.000 What?

00:07:13.000 Yeah, that face is what I made.

00:07:15.000 That same face.

00:07:16.000 What?

00:07:16.000 They were cooking with sewer oil, bro.

00:07:19.000 It was going around.

00:07:21.000 So it's not common, but it was possible.

00:07:25.000 So it's not like that's the only way they do it.

00:07:27.000 No, but the street places were like, you run a risk here.

00:07:29.000 It's cheaper oil.

00:07:31.000 Oh my god.

00:07:31.000 And they're just getting it from that source.

00:07:33.000 Oh my god.

00:07:34.000 What is this?

00:07:35.000 China's food production up close.

00:07:37.000 Give me some gutter oil?

00:07:38.000 The making of gutter oil.

00:07:39.000 Give me some volume, Jamie.

00:07:41.000 Jesus Christ.

00:07:42.000 It's all in a day's work for this woman.

00:07:44.000 She opens up a manhole cover and scoops out as much slop as she can, delighted by what she finds.

00:07:52.000 What others might view as revolting, she sees as a bonanza.

00:07:56.000 She works in the streets of the southern Chinese city of Shenzhen, a foot soldier in China's so-called gutter oil industry.

00:08:08.000 I seriously almost threw the slops out.

00:08:11.000 I just gagged.

00:08:16.000 People are awful.

00:08:19.000 People are just awful.

00:08:20.000 She's scooping out That slop eventually winds up in a processing plant like this one, where it's combined with other animal fat refuse to create recycled cooking oil.

00:08:32.000 Workers put the oil in barrels for delivery to restaurants at hotels.

00:08:35.000 Somebody call Anthony Bourdain.

00:08:37.000 How can you eat this?

00:08:39.000 If you eat it, it can kill you.

00:08:42.000 Cooking oil has long been a cherished commodity in China, where stir frying in a wok is the mainstay of daily meal preparation.

00:08:50.000 The high profit margins from gutter oil production have proven irresistible.

00:09:04.000 A tenth.

00:09:06.000 Gee, you think?

00:09:08.000 Shit, water's bad for you.

00:09:10.000 Breaking news.

00:09:14.000 Illegal production sites are often discovered after people living nearby notice a nauseating stench and alert the authorities.

00:09:23.000 That's where they're cooking your food in.

00:09:28.000 That's pretty much all the good parts.

00:09:30.000 Look at these guys fake destroying it.

00:09:36.000 Chopping out a little bit.

00:09:37.000 We're barely swinging at it.

00:09:42.000 Wow.

00:10:00.000 Yeah, that's disgusting.

00:10:03.000 What?

00:10:04.000 That takes disgusting to a whole new level.

00:10:05.000 I have never almost grown up.

00:10:07.000 When you're pouring it from the bucket and you hear the...

00:10:09.000 Go get that sound bite.

00:10:11.000 No!

00:10:12.000 Dude, I almost threw up.

00:10:14.000 I had a look away.

00:10:16.000 That's the first time I've ever had a look away on a show.

00:10:19.000 Really?

00:10:19.000 Nice.

00:10:19.000 Yeah, that's amazing.

00:10:21.000 Because you knew where it's headed to someone's food.

00:10:23.000 Dude, I almost threw up watching that.

00:10:26.000 So I did not have any of the street noodles.

00:10:29.000 I did have a lot of noodles, though.

00:10:31.000 Oh, my God.

00:10:32.000 Street noodles.

00:10:34.000 Motherfucker, man.

00:10:35.000 But you might have had some gutter oil.

00:10:36.000 Absolutely.

00:10:37.000 I absolutely might have had some.

00:10:39.000 What the fuck, man?

00:10:40.000 I would like to know if you had gutter oil.

00:10:42.000 I've got to assume when I see that, when it said where it was, I'm like, I probably had some gutter oil.

00:10:47.000 I would like to know.

00:10:48.000 How do you think we could find out?

00:10:49.000 My friend who was there said, he was like, yeah, I mean, I ate it for a little while.

00:10:52.000 You know, I got a kick of eating it.

00:10:53.000 This was way before the expose came out.

00:10:55.000 He goes, I had a lot of diarrhea.

00:10:57.000 Ha!

00:10:58.000 I mean, it was a lot.

00:10:59.000 Because you're eating shit.

00:11:00.000 Because you're eating someone else's shit.

00:11:02.000 Jesus Christ!

00:11:04.000 We boil it.

00:11:05.000 We put a flame under it.

00:11:06.000 It's not good enough.

00:11:07.000 You know what China is to me?

00:11:08.000 What?

00:11:09.000 When you see the worst case scenarios about China.

00:11:12.000 Did you ever see that HBO documentary about them selling bait?

00:11:16.000 I think it was HBO. They were selling children.

00:11:19.000 Guys were selling their two-year-old children.

00:11:21.000 This one boy was screaming because his dad sold his brother away.

00:11:25.000 Whoa.

00:11:25.000 Yeah.

00:11:26.000 Deep, dark shit.

00:11:27.000 And they were interviewing the guy who sold his kid.

00:11:30.000 And he was like, look, I didn't have any money.

00:11:31.000 I had a kid.

00:11:32.000 I had to sell the kid.

00:11:33.000 Wow.

00:11:33.000 Yeah.

00:11:34.000 It's really fucked up.

00:11:35.000 I mean, really fucked up.

00:11:37.000 But to me, when I see stuff like that, when I see that guy that was saying that people swindle people, when you see the whole gutter oil thing, it's like humanity, if shit gets bad, if people are in a bad spot, people go real bad.

00:11:52.000 They go real bad.

00:11:52.000 They can part metalize.

00:11:53.000 They don't think, I'm not concerned with who gets this.

00:11:56.000 They just don't think about it.

00:11:57.000 I'm sure it's okay.

00:11:58.000 That lady was telling me, I bought a house.

00:12:00.000 You bought a house by feeding people shit.

00:12:03.000 How much shit did you have to shovel to get your house?

00:12:05.000 And you have to continue shoveling shit in order to pay for that house.

00:12:09.000 I assume they have mortgages over there.

00:12:11.000 Do they have mortgages?

00:12:12.000 I don't know what they do.

00:12:12.000 She's not buying a house with cash, like showing up.

00:12:14.000 No, I don't think so.

00:12:16.000 Big fucking stack of paper.

00:12:18.000 Dude, that's insane.

00:12:19.000 That was pretty gross.

00:12:20.000 That's beyond gross.

00:12:21.000 I almost threw up on a podcast.

00:12:23.000 I've never done that before.

00:12:25.000 That plopping sound.

00:12:27.000 Dude, I hosted Fear Factor for six years.

00:12:30.000 I've seen some shit.

00:12:31.000 I'm not a regular person in that regard.

00:12:34.000 I've seen more disgusting shit than almost any other person who's a comedian.

00:12:39.000 Yeah, up close and personal.

00:12:41.000 Right there, and helped people get through eating things.

00:12:43.000 And you got nauseous from that.

00:12:44.000 And I got nauseous from that.

00:12:45.000 I could smell the shit as she was scooping it up.

00:12:49.000 That sound made it so descriptive.

00:12:52.000 Yeah, the...

00:12:53.000 Really, I got that weird tingle in my throat.

00:12:57.000 I know what you mean.

00:12:58.000 I didn't think I could control it.

00:13:00.000 Oh, that's horrible.

00:13:02.000 Yeah, that's pretty bad.

00:13:03.000 Brian Callen told me he was in China, and they were at a restaurant, and the restaurant had pigs underneath the restaurant.

00:13:09.000 Just running around?

00:13:10.000 Yeah, they were like in containers underneath the restaurant.

00:13:13.000 And then they realized, his mom asked, and realized that when you shit, the shit was going down to where the pigs were.

00:13:19.000 The pigs were eating your shit.

00:13:20.000 You're human shit.

00:13:23.000 Oh, gross.

00:13:24.000 And then you're being served that.

00:13:25.000 And then you're eating the pigs.

00:13:26.000 Motherfucker.

00:13:27.000 That's unfortunate.

00:13:29.000 You think?

00:13:30.000 I mean, and they're doing it old school style.

00:13:32.000 You're shitting in a hole.

00:13:33.000 You're squatting like you were talking about in the first podcast before this one.

00:13:37.000 An old podcast we did.

00:13:38.000 Yeah, we did another podcast a couple hours ago.

00:13:41.000 Ari was talking about how you go into these bathrooms and there's a hole in the ground.

00:13:45.000 That's your toilet.

00:13:46.000 So underneath that hole, pigs.

00:13:48.000 Just...

00:13:49.000 Just waiting to get a shit in their mouth.

00:13:50.000 Really good impression, dude.

00:13:57.000 So fucking gross.

00:13:58.000 But again, that's what happens when people just, when it goes bad.

00:14:01.000 Play that noise again, Jamie.

00:14:03.000 Don't do it.

00:14:03.000 Just play that noise alone.

00:14:04.000 Don't do it.

00:14:05.000 Just that part.

00:14:06.000 Just cue it up in case we need it.

00:14:07.000 Oh, hurl.

00:14:08.000 Just cue it up in case we need it.

00:14:09.000 It sounds like we do need it.

00:14:10.000 That plop, plop, plop, plop, plop.

00:14:12.000 They said the hashish in Hong Kong was cut with up to 25%.

00:14:17.000 Gutter oil?

00:14:17.000 Nope.

00:14:18.000 Shoe polish.

00:14:19.000 Whoa.

00:14:20.000 It's too high a percentage for me.

00:14:23.000 But there was some California weed there.

00:14:24.000 25% shoe polish.

00:14:26.000 Up to.

00:14:27.000 Up to.

00:14:27.000 God damn.

00:14:28.000 Just because they wanted to make it bigger.

00:14:30.000 Make more.

00:14:31.000 God damn.

00:14:32.000 That's so gross.

00:14:32.000 It kind of looks like shoe polish.

00:14:33.000 Yeah, it does, so you can't really tell.

00:14:35.000 Oh.

00:14:35.000 Yeah.

00:14:36.000 I'm like, man, it's fucking me up.

00:14:37.000 Like, yeah, it's not good weed.

00:14:39.000 Can you imagine?

00:14:40.000 It's just fucking you up.

00:14:41.000 What does hash cut with shoe polish smell like?

00:14:44.000 I don't know.

00:14:45.000 It's got to have a turpentine-y sort of a smell to it.

00:14:47.000 You know that smell?

00:14:48.000 You know those cans?

00:14:49.000 You'd open up your grandpa's shoe polish and you'd smell it.

00:14:53.000 Oh, yeah.

00:14:54.000 It was like those little circular cans.

00:14:58.000 Does turpentine keep it moist or something?

00:14:59.000 I don't know.

00:15:00.000 I'm saying turpentine.

00:15:01.000 Yeah, the circular ones.

00:15:02.000 I know.

00:15:02.000 We used to do that.

00:15:02.000 We used to shine our Shabbat shoes with those.

00:15:04.000 Yeah, spit.

00:15:05.000 Spit on a rug.

00:15:07.000 Yeah.

00:15:07.000 And just rub it on there.

00:15:08.000 We had those brushes, too.

00:15:10.000 Or you can use an old schmata.

00:15:13.000 You see those guys at the airport now?

00:15:15.000 Shoe shiners.

00:15:16.000 Shoe shine guys.

00:15:17.000 But you never see those anywhere else.

00:15:19.000 It's the airport and that's it.

00:15:21.000 They come around businesses sometimes.

00:15:23.000 In New York.

00:15:24.000 In D.C. too.

00:15:25.000 This guy used to come to our law firm.

00:15:27.000 He would go to each business once a week.

00:15:29.000 Have you ever seen one in L.A. at a business?

00:15:31.000 I mean, there must be some.

00:15:32.000 When am I in a business?

00:15:33.000 When are you in a business?

00:15:34.000 You know what I mean?

00:15:35.000 In an office building.

00:15:36.000 Whenever you're in your fucking apartment, you're in a business.

00:15:39.000 That's the beautiful thing about being a comic.

00:15:40.000 Yeah, I got some technically in my business right now.

00:15:43.000 You're in the business of writing fucked up things down that will eventually become jokes.

00:15:47.000 Yeah.

00:15:47.000 That's a business.

00:15:48.000 It might not be your business, but it's a fucking business.

00:15:51.000 Yeah, get into bed, turn the heat on.

00:15:53.000 It's business.

00:15:54.000 I'm going to beat off on myself and watch cartoons.

00:15:55.000 Bring my computer with me.

00:15:56.000 Research.

00:15:59.000 This is right off time.

00:16:01.000 I'm hoping that in watching all this porn, I can come up with a joke about me watching all this porn.

00:16:05.000 And if not, so be it.

00:16:07.000 Tough shit.

00:16:08.000 Yeah, that's the beautiful thing about being a comic.

00:16:10.000 Anything you're interested in, like anything you pursue online, could potentially be a bit.

00:16:14.000 All research.

00:16:15.000 Yeah, I mean, literally anything.

00:16:17.000 Any idea that you read online that you find fascinating, you can find, if it strikes you, you can find a comic angle to it.

00:16:25.000 Wow, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:16:26.000 Exactly, anything you care about, enough to look at.

00:16:28.000 And it's almost like today we're spoiled because every day there's some new ridiculous story that goes on that could be like an awesome bit and they just keep flying by.

00:16:38.000 They keep coming at you.

00:16:38.000 It's too many of them.

00:16:39.000 They keep coming at you.

00:16:40.000 And they're like, oh no, guys, don't forget about the story because I'm already doing a bit about it.

00:16:43.000 Well, even if people forget about it, you can reinvigorate the idea, but the idea is that you forget about them, because there's so many of them.

00:16:51.000 There's another one that comes by.

00:16:53.000 I'm constantly retweeting things where I'm like, what?

00:16:56.000 Like I'll retweet it and go, I gotta write a bit about that, but it just goes by the wayside.

00:17:01.000 Yeah.

00:17:01.000 Because it's just too much shit.

00:17:02.000 There's so much.

00:17:03.000 If you look online, like, if you have a bunch of good Twitter feeds that you follow, you'll find some of the most ridiculous articles and stories.

00:17:11.000 A guy got caught.

00:17:12.000 What?

00:17:12.000 A fucking American tourist got caught in a giant vagina statue in Germany.

00:17:17.000 Oh, yeah.

00:17:17.000 They had to rescue him.

00:17:18.000 I saw the billboard for that.

00:17:20.000 Another billboard.

00:17:20.000 Preview?

00:17:21.000 Nope.

00:17:21.000 Headline, just the one word, the top of the website.

00:17:27.000 U.S. student is rescued from a giant vagina sculpture in Germany.

00:17:31.000 You find it on my Twitter feed there.

00:17:33.000 Dude, they laugh at us at how stupid we are.

00:17:35.000 We're dumb as fuck.

00:17:36.000 They laugh at us.

00:17:37.000 Look at this fucking giant vagina.

00:17:38.000 Oh, he went in there?

00:17:39.000 Yeah, he's got his legs trapped in there.

00:17:41.000 Fucking idiot.

00:17:42.000 The fireman had to come and get him out.

00:17:44.000 Where did he step in and then couldn't?

00:17:45.000 They should have just hacked his legs off with an axe.

00:17:47.000 They should have came over.

00:17:48.000 Left the leg in there.

00:17:50.000 Just grabbed the axe and he would have figured out a way to get out of it.

00:17:53.000 No, no, [...

00:18:11.000 Yeah, the vagina sculpture.

00:18:12.000 First of all, why do you have a vagina sculpture in Germany, you fucking weirdos?

00:18:16.000 Like, what is that about?

00:18:16.000 Come on, Germany.

00:18:18.000 What an odd choice to have a fucking vagina sculpture.

00:18:22.000 Outside.

00:18:23.000 But meanwhile, vaginas are fucking super important.

00:18:27.000 And they're inviting.

00:18:29.000 Yeah, if it wasn't for vaginas, there'd really be no people.

00:18:31.000 Of course they're supposed to get inside it.

00:18:32.000 But isn't that funny that for whatever reason, like, it's a bad thing to have a vagina sculpture?

00:18:37.000 Taboo.

00:18:37.000 You can have a sculpture of a woman's face.

00:18:40.000 Yeah, that's okay.

00:18:41.000 No problem.

00:18:42.000 No problem.

00:18:42.000 No controversy.

00:18:43.000 No controversy.

00:18:44.000 Shoulders, shoulders, up to shoulders like this.

00:18:46.000 Showing the boob off.

00:18:47.000 Nah, boobs get tricky.

00:18:49.000 People like to cover those.

00:18:50.000 They like to cover the boobs.

00:18:51.000 But as long as the boobs are colored and you're an angel, that's okay.

00:18:53.000 Oh, if you're an angel, forget about it.

00:18:55.000 You need a thing like that in your town square.

00:18:57.000 But a vagina?

00:18:59.000 We're not like that.

00:19:01.000 It looks like a vagina, too.

00:19:02.000 Yeah, it does.

00:19:03.000 If you scroll down, Jamie, there's a picture of this fucking poor slob with his goofy glasses.

00:19:08.000 Yeah, the headline was that poor slob gets stuck in a statue.

00:19:11.000 Yeah, look at this.

00:19:12.000 Vagina statue.

00:19:13.000 What's that?

00:19:14.000 Did you find the image?

00:19:15.000 I found more photos of it.

00:19:17.000 Oh, nice.

00:19:18.000 This fucking crazy bitch got so far down and so stuffed into this thing that he couldn't move his legs.

00:19:24.000 Like, they had to figure out how to get him out of that thing.

00:19:28.000 Don't play that.

00:19:29.000 Just go to photos, because this is the kind of shit that gets us kicked off of YouTube.

00:19:33.000 There you go.

00:19:33.000 There he is.

00:19:34.000 Oh, wow.

00:19:34.000 Look at this fuck.

00:19:35.000 There's another one with his face.

00:19:36.000 We should shame him.

00:19:38.000 Oh, wow.

00:19:39.000 So he fell over or something, and then he climbed in like an idiot, and his legs got smushed.

00:19:44.000 He got stuck.

00:19:45.000 Or it's a gag.

00:19:47.000 It could be a stunt.

00:19:48.000 That looks pretty tight in his legs, though.

00:19:51.000 It does, but so does a hero.

00:19:52.000 You always gotta put everything up.

00:19:53.000 Like, it's possible as a stunt.

00:19:55.000 Yeah.

00:19:55.000 Always.

00:19:56.000 Looks like it.

00:19:57.000 If I had to guess...

00:19:59.000 Looks like a stunt.

00:19:59.000 Yeah.

00:20:00.000 22 firefighters had to pry him open.

00:20:03.000 Oh my god.

00:20:04.000 Wow.

00:20:04.000 22 firefighters.

00:20:05.000 They probably all jerked off on him to lube it up.

00:20:07.000 Maybe.

00:20:08.000 That'd be great.

00:20:09.000 That'd be great.

00:20:10.000 Imagine if there's only one way to do this.

00:20:12.000 We've got to jerk off on you.

00:20:13.000 The hard way.

00:20:13.000 Lube up your legs.

00:20:14.000 That's the only way.

00:20:15.000 Lube up his legs.

00:20:17.000 Americans, what does it feel like telling people in another country like China that you're American?

00:20:22.000 Do they just go, ugh?

00:20:24.000 Well, the other...

00:20:25.000 Chinese people, you didn't really talk to much.

00:20:28.000 You didn't talk to them much?

00:20:29.000 Barely.

00:20:29.000 Only the ones that spoke English.

00:20:31.000 Did you hang out with your Chinese ladies?

00:20:32.000 Yeah, I won.

00:20:35.000 She was at this bar that I performed at, or right next door in this area.

00:20:41.000 I thought she was in my show, but then later I wasn't positive.

00:20:49.000 Apparently, they have a thing, according to this guy who posted on the Rogan board.

00:20:53.000 What?

00:20:53.000 He lives in China.

00:20:54.000 What thing?

00:20:55.000 They have a thing for people with big noses.

00:20:57.000 Oh, really?

00:20:58.000 White men with big noses.

00:21:00.000 They go crazy for it.

00:21:00.000 Yeah, maybe some people are like that.

00:21:02.000 It looks so different to them.

00:21:03.000 Yeah, she didn't really talk English at all.

00:21:07.000 She knew a couple of words, but then you got a vibe.

00:21:11.000 Still a vibe there.

00:21:13.000 So you kind of knew.

00:21:14.000 Did you feel like you were some crazy foreigner?

00:21:17.000 Like some savage from another land?

00:21:20.000 A little bit.

00:21:21.000 Tell me more.

00:21:23.000 Well, that's the area.

00:21:24.000 There's a lot of foreigners there.

00:21:26.000 Right.

00:21:28.000 In that area.

00:21:30.000 This guy on the Rogan board was saying...

00:21:31.000 I should give the guy credit.

00:21:33.000 He was saying that these women...

00:21:37.000 You'd have to tell them that you love them.

00:21:39.000 Oh, really?

00:21:40.000 Yeah, but saying that you love...

00:21:42.000 Saying that is different.

00:21:44.000 Doesn't mean not committing to you forever.

00:21:46.000 It just means I love you.

00:21:47.000 It doesn't mean what you think it means here.

00:21:49.000 People say it all the time.

00:21:50.000 Yeah, there were differences like that.

00:21:51.000 Yeah, and then he was also saying that when you break up with them, they go fucking crazy.

00:21:58.000 He was saying that he had a real problem with that.

00:22:01.000 You break up and they go crazy?

00:22:02.000 Yeah, like suicidal or murderous.

00:22:04.000 Oh, really?

00:22:05.000 Yeah, his name is Ripple.

00:22:06.000 That's the guy.

00:22:07.000 It's a very long thread.

00:22:09.000 And it's on the Rogaboard.

00:22:10.000 It's actually from July 23rd of 2010. So it's a four-year-old thread.

00:22:16.000 And it just recently got bumped up, probably, I mean, maybe because of you being there.

00:22:23.000 Oh, really?

00:22:23.000 Huh, that's cool.

00:22:24.000 Maybe.

00:22:25.000 Maybe.

00:22:25.000 Maybe I'm wondering.

00:22:26.000 But it might just be coincidental.

00:22:28.000 But either way, pretty interesting shit.

00:22:30.000 This guy talking about his experiences being a white guy in China and just dating chicks.

00:22:37.000 He never was into Chinese chicks until he went to China.

00:22:40.000 And then he got like super into them.

00:22:43.000 Probably.

00:22:44.000 You're there all the time.

00:22:45.000 I mean, they're not fat.

00:22:47.000 They're all real thin.

00:22:48.000 Like, too thin, almost.

00:22:49.000 Too thin?

00:22:50.000 Yeah, a lot of times, like, you gotta have some, like, you know, meat on your bones.

00:22:54.000 No butt?

00:22:54.000 Is that what you're trying to say?

00:22:55.000 Oh, no.

00:22:55.000 Definitely no butt.

00:22:57.000 No, butts were scarce.

00:22:59.000 That would be a problem.

00:23:00.000 A lot of barbecued chicken claws.

00:23:02.000 You know what this guy was saying, though?

00:23:03.000 Not enough butts.

00:23:05.000 What he calls McTits.

00:23:06.000 He said that the Chinese people that lived there that ate McDonald's grew tits.

00:23:12.000 Wow.

00:23:12.000 Because of all the hormones they shot into it.

00:23:14.000 Fuck.

00:23:15.000 He said those were the ones.

00:23:17.000 It was like one of his things that they were saying.

00:23:20.000 The McTits theory.

00:23:21.000 They some have nice B-cups.

00:23:23.000 Ah, nice B-cup.

00:23:25.000 But, you know, nothing crazy.

00:23:26.000 McTits, that's funny.

00:23:27.000 Yeah.

00:23:28.000 Isn't that interesting?

00:23:29.000 Uh-huh.

00:23:29.000 That the ones who ate a lot of McDonald's food.

00:23:32.000 Yeah.

00:23:33.000 Yeah.

00:23:33.000 That's so hilarious.

00:23:35.000 It's his McTits theory that the foreigners have formulated over there.

00:23:39.000 McTits theory of body type.

00:23:41.000 Wow.

00:23:41.000 Isn't that crazy?

00:23:42.000 But if they live off McDonald's, they have tits.

00:23:45.000 But he was saying that they mistake 40-year-olds for 30-year-olds or younger.

00:23:50.000 Yeah.

00:23:50.000 I think...

00:23:51.000 I've heard some of them are like...

00:23:52.000 They're looking...

00:23:52.000 Well, a lot of times they're also like...

00:23:55.000 Immigrant workers, when they get off, they're just looking to fuck.

00:23:57.000 They're just looking to have a good time.

00:23:59.000 I mean, I've never seen anybody party like that.

00:24:01.000 On Sundays, they get off, and they have very little rights, but Sundays, they don't work.

00:24:05.000 And they just fill up the markets, and they all dance.

00:24:08.000 They're all line dancing together by the Bay, drinking.

00:24:13.000 Yeah, but like the Chinese music, but absolutely.

00:24:15.000 They don't just know their things.

00:24:16.000 They party.

00:24:17.000 They are free.

00:24:18.000 For one day?

00:24:19.000 For one day.

00:24:20.000 Wow, that's interesting.

00:24:22.000 So do you think they're all bottled up and then they get that one day so they just enjoy the fuck out of it?

00:24:27.000 They're like, we're going to enjoy this.

00:24:27.000 We're going to enjoy our day off.

00:24:29.000 No one's taking a staycation.

00:24:30.000 Let's all get out there.

00:24:32.000 Some comics have days off all the time, and they get super lazy and forget to appreciate those days off.

00:24:38.000 You get used to it.

00:24:39.000 You know, Eddie Bravo always talks about that.

00:24:41.000 Eddie Bravo always talks about learning to appreciate life, that sometimes in the middle of it, it's really difficult to appreciate it, and that you've got to force yourself to really step back and appreciate how awesome this is.

00:24:53.000 Yeah, once in a while, I'll get a new comic that'll be like...

00:24:56.000 Like, genuinely, like, man, you got your name on the wall at the comedy store.

00:25:00.000 That's so cool.

00:25:01.000 And I'm like, oh, yeah, I mean, I guess so.

00:25:04.000 Did they take my name down?

00:25:06.000 No.

00:25:06.000 They don't take names down?

00:25:07.000 No, they don't take names down.

00:25:08.000 They should.

00:25:09.000 There's a lot of names they should take down.

00:25:11.000 Yeah.

00:25:12.000 That's true.

00:25:13.000 It's a bunch of fucking names where you go, come on, man.

00:25:16.000 That dude's got his name up there.

00:25:18.000 Get the fuck out of here.

00:25:19.000 If they would take those names down, I wouldn't be mad if they took mine down.

00:25:22.000 Right.

00:25:23.000 You gotta get off.

00:25:24.000 You can take mine down.

00:25:25.000 Well, you can take mine down.

00:25:27.000 Dom is up there twice.

00:25:28.000 Is he really?

00:25:28.000 Yeah, they thought he slipped through the cracks and they put him up another time and then he didn't slip through the cracks.

00:25:32.000 But that's how late they are about not taking names down.

00:25:34.000 Wow.

00:25:35.000 His name's up twice.

00:25:36.000 I'm like, oh, I guess it's up there.

00:25:37.000 That's hilarious.

00:25:38.000 Yeah.

00:25:39.000 So, what if someone did something terrible?

00:25:41.000 Like, what about that comic that was like a rapist?

00:25:43.000 Remember that comic that was a rapist?

00:25:44.000 He was going to colleges.

00:25:46.000 Yeah.

00:25:47.000 Name stays up.

00:25:48.000 Wow.

00:25:49.000 Is his name up there?

00:25:50.000 I don't know.

00:25:50.000 Maybe.

00:25:50.000 I don't know if he was a regular at the store.

00:25:51.000 I don't think he was a paid regular.

00:25:52.000 I would have heard that if he was.

00:25:54.000 Somebody would have run into him.

00:25:56.000 That's fucked.

00:25:56.000 Oh, fuck.

00:25:57.000 I had his name on the tips of my tongue.

00:25:59.000 Yeah, that guy's in jail forever, right?

00:26:00.000 He's in jail for a while.

00:26:02.000 A lot of rapes.

00:26:03.000 A lot of rapes.

00:26:04.000 He would say creepy religious shit to them, like, pray for me.

00:26:07.000 Oh, really?

00:26:09.000 Vince Champ?

00:26:10.000 That's it.

00:26:10.000 There it is.

00:26:11.000 Thanks, Tip of Tongue.

00:26:14.000 I remember not knowing who that guy was, but the people that did know who that guy was were like, oh, I could see that.

00:26:21.000 Adam Richman just got acquitted.

00:26:23.000 Adam Richman, the food guy?

00:26:25.000 No.

00:26:26.000 No.

00:26:27.000 It's a comic.

00:26:28.000 Oh my god.

00:26:29.000 Who's Adam Richman?

00:26:30.000 It's a comic.

00:26:32.000 Scare the shit out of me.

00:26:33.000 I don't know why I'm scared of the food guy getting raped.

00:26:35.000 Yeah.

00:26:36.000 Or raping.

00:26:37.000 What happened?

00:26:37.000 It was something in Minneapolis.

00:26:39.000 Ooh.

00:26:40.000 Yeah, with a waitress.

00:26:41.000 Someone accused him?

00:26:42.000 Waitress.

00:26:42.000 Who do you believe?

00:26:46.000 Well, a lot of people find Adam Richmond annoying, so a lot of the comedy community was like, I can see you, I can see you.

00:26:50.000 I'm like, that's not equal to sexual assault.

00:26:53.000 Annoying is not the same as sexual assault.

00:26:55.000 Right, but isn't annoying a sign of being a clueless fuck, and isn't a clueless fuck a sign of being selfish, and isn't being selfish the type of person?

00:27:03.000 Yeah, he's also drunk, and he said he was getting aggressive to the cops.

00:27:06.000 He said he was getting a little aggressive, and then they have some 911 audio of him, her going, put your fucking dick away.

00:27:13.000 Put your dick away.

00:27:14.000 Get out of here.

00:27:17.000 But acquitted.

00:27:19.000 Wow.

00:27:20.000 And what did he do?

00:27:21.000 Well, who cares?

00:27:22.000 What are we, fucking TMZ? Yeah.

00:27:24.000 But...

00:27:25.000 You know what, man?

00:27:26.000 There's a real problem when you have sexual urges, idiots, and alcohol.

00:27:31.000 Alcohol adds to it, yeah.

00:27:33.000 Adds to it!

00:27:35.000 But also being an idiot, you know, you're not a sexual assaulter.

00:27:38.000 Yeah.

00:27:38.000 You wouldn't hold someone down and do something creepy to them if you were drunk.

00:27:43.000 One time I was jumping out with Amy Kerfer in college, just a friend, just kissing and stuff.

00:27:48.000 And I was like, come on, trying to get in her pants.

00:27:49.000 And she goes, no, no.

00:27:51.000 Like, kissing was as far as it was going to go.

00:27:52.000 Right.

00:27:53.000 And I was like, come on.

00:27:53.000 She's like, no, no, come on, stop.

00:27:56.000 And then I got up as a joke to lock the door.

00:27:58.000 Like, hey, lock the door.

00:27:59.000 We're doing this.

00:28:00.000 And then as soon as I locked the door, I took one step back.

00:28:02.000 I'm like, oh, this seems...

00:28:03.000 Oh, yeah.

00:28:04.000 Unlock the door.

00:28:04.000 Open it up.

00:28:04.000 This seems weird.

00:28:06.000 Yeah, it's not even funny.

00:28:07.000 Yeah.

00:28:09.000 But we've all been in that situation where a girl's like, no.

00:28:12.000 And you're like, please.

00:28:14.000 Yeah, but what about please?

00:28:16.000 Yeah, but it doesn't work sometimes.

00:28:19.000 Some guys are assholes.

00:28:20.000 What do you mean it doesn't work sometimes?

00:28:21.000 It never works to beg for pussy.

00:28:23.000 Sometimes it does.

00:28:24.000 You never know.

00:28:25.000 Have you ever heard of the sympathy handjob?

00:28:27.000 That's the greatest thing of all time.

00:28:27.000 When a girl says, okay.

00:28:29.000 Oh yeah.

00:28:29.000 You're like, yes!

00:28:30.000 Finally, we can stop fighting.

00:28:32.000 Fuck yeah!

00:28:32.000 Woo!

00:28:34.000 Okay, but only put it in my ass.

00:28:35.000 What?

00:28:36.000 What?

00:28:36.000 I've been blessed by the gods!

00:28:41.000 Yeah, but you add, like, idiocy, sexual urges, and alcohol is a fucking terrible, terrible, terrible combination.

00:28:49.000 It's a bad combination.

00:28:50.000 But it's everywhere.

00:28:50.000 That's the weirdest thing about people.

00:28:52.000 It's like the worst combination of drugs to dating is what you get.

00:28:57.000 I mean, good in that it's a social lubricant.

00:29:00.000 People relax, have a couple drinks, it loosens up the vibe.

00:29:03.000 You might get a little loose and silly and have fun and be more likely to fool around.

00:29:09.000 But not...

00:29:11.000 You know, at a certain point, you gotta realize that that's not everybody.

00:29:14.000 It's like we were talking about earlier in the podcast, that I don't know what happens to some people when they drink.

00:29:19.000 But I've seen it.

00:29:20.000 Yeah, you see it.

00:29:21.000 Yeah, you've seen that switch that goes off and they're not there anymore.

00:29:24.000 It's not you.

00:29:25.000 You don't do that.

00:29:25.000 I don't do that.

00:29:26.000 But we all know guys who do do that.

00:29:28.000 Yeah, one of them's got a portrait in the bathroom.

00:29:30.000 Yeah, maybe it's one out of ten.

00:29:31.000 You know, whatever it is.

00:29:34.000 When you see that man, you know that that guy shouldn't be drinking booze around women if he has a sexual urge because it's just going to be a disaster.

00:29:43.000 But that's the drug of choice.

00:29:45.000 That's what you get.

00:29:46.000 You go to a bar, you don't get an option.

00:29:47.000 It sucks to be a woman.

00:29:49.000 You can take ecstasy.

00:29:50.000 Yeah, fuck yeah.

00:29:51.000 Can you imagine being a chick and dudes are trying to drug you?

00:29:54.000 How many girls have you talked to that have been roofied?

00:29:57.000 A lot, right?

00:29:58.000 Yeah, all the ones I hung out with.

00:30:00.000 I don't know.

00:30:01.000 A lot.

00:30:02.000 Well, the ones I roofied, but that doesn't count.

00:30:05.000 Those fucking bitches had a coming.

00:30:07.000 A lot of them wouldn't drink it.

00:30:09.000 So, you know, the stats are all skewed.

00:30:11.000 Wasn't Bill Cosby in trouble for some shit like that?

00:30:13.000 Really?

00:30:14.000 Yeah.

00:30:14.000 No way.

00:30:15.000 Dr. Cosby?

00:30:16.000 Yeah, Bill Cosby.

00:30:17.000 Second only to Martin Luther King, an important black man?

00:30:20.000 Not really.

00:30:21.000 Bill Cosby's sexual assault allegations.

00:30:25.000 Why doesn't anyone care about the sexual assault allegations against Bill Cosby?

00:30:31.000 Those allegations that people agree that when someone's famous enough, we're just not going to care.

00:30:35.000 Yeah.

00:30:36.000 I don't know, man.

00:30:38.000 Who the fuck knows it's true?

00:30:40.000 It also could be just...

00:30:42.000 Who knows?

00:30:43.000 There was a girl at the comedy store who claimed somebody raped her.

00:30:46.000 And one of the door guys.

00:30:47.000 And it got really weird for a while.

00:30:49.000 Because you don't really know who to believe.

00:30:50.000 But at the same time, it's like, this is bad.

00:30:51.000 You're not going to come out vehemently on the side of the door guy.

00:30:55.000 You might be like, I'm not going to get involved.

00:30:57.000 And then a few months later, she accused someone else of raping her.

00:31:03.000 And then eight months after that, she accused a third person of raping her.

00:31:06.000 I was like, why do you keep hanging out at the rape house?

00:31:08.000 I'm starting to believe that maybe none of this happened.

00:31:12.000 Yeah.

00:31:13.000 Well, that was the girl who claimed that Mike Tyson raped her.

00:31:18.000 Yeah.

00:31:18.000 She had made a false allegation when she was 18 about another guy.

00:31:23.000 I feel like, I think you did too.

00:31:24.000 Michael Tyson, that wasn't a good conviction.

00:31:30.000 He probably did a bunch of bad shit, but in that situation, it seemed like that girl went back up to his room wanting to fuck.

00:31:38.000 She took her panty liner off.

00:31:39.000 I don't know what happened.

00:31:41.000 I don't want to speculate because I wasn't there.

00:31:44.000 Who the fuck knows?

00:31:45.000 But there's a lot of shit going on when you have someone who's got a false allegation.

00:31:50.000 It's like, the problem is...

00:31:51.000 Those Duke players, they all lost their season.

00:31:53.000 It's way worse to rape someone than it is to falsely accuse someone of rape.

00:31:58.000 In my opinion, it's worse.

00:32:00.000 Because the rape is a violent crime.

00:32:03.000 Falsely accusing someone of rape, although horrific, in my idea, my hierarchy of crimes, is slightly lower.

00:32:09.000 What if the same amount of violence happened to you because of...

00:32:12.000 Then it's the same crime.

00:32:13.000 Like if you go to jail and then guys rape you because you didn't really rape a girl.

00:32:17.000 If the punishment for rape is a just punishment, if it's like, okay, that's about right, you know, like that eight months for purse snatching, like that's too much.

00:32:24.000 Whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

00:32:27.000 Thirteen women have accused Bill Cosby of drugging them.

00:32:33.000 With what?

00:32:35.000 Pudding pops?

00:32:37.000 Jello pudding!

00:32:39.000 Oh my god.

00:32:41.000 Thirteen.

00:32:41.000 That's a lot.

00:32:42.000 This is insane.

00:32:44.000 Where there's smoke, there's thirteen fires.

00:32:46.000 Wow.

00:32:48.000 That's amazing.

00:32:49.000 That's a lot.

00:32:50.000 Yeah.

00:32:51.000 I mean, who knows what the fuck happened, but, you know, and I don't want to be callous about it.

00:32:56.000 I'm just saying who knows because I don't know, but that don't look good.

00:33:00.000 Be Callin about it.

00:33:01.000 Brian?

00:33:02.000 Yeah, go.

00:33:03.000 Bill Cosby's cock glistened.

00:33:05.000 Understand.

00:33:06.000 Glistened in the sun.

00:33:07.000 Hawks would land on it.

00:33:08.000 That cock comes out.

00:33:09.000 You know, it just makes its own roofies.

00:33:12.000 You don't even understand.

00:33:14.000 They weren't drugged.

00:33:15.000 They were fucked to sleep.

00:33:17.000 It's a different thing.

00:33:19.000 You're being cowled about it.

00:33:21.000 I like that.

00:33:22.000 That's what he would say, right?

00:33:24.000 Yeah.

00:33:26.000 Joey Dees would probably say a similar thing.

00:33:29.000 Bill Cosby ain't drugging any of those bitches.

00:33:31.000 He just gives them that sweet, thick, that candy jello pudding covered pop.

00:33:36.000 That's not a good amount of, that's not a good number.

00:33:39.000 I almost saw him recently.

00:33:40.000 13's a lot.

00:33:41.000 Really?

00:33:41.000 Yeah, they were telling, everybody keeps telling me you gotta go see him live.

00:33:44.000 You gotta go see him live.

00:33:45.000 Yeah, to be there for experience of like, it was fun and like childhood-like.

00:33:48.000 Well, also they say he's really good.

00:33:50.000 People are shitting on his special and people are like, how can you show a special?

00:33:53.000 He's a legend.

00:33:53.000 Like, because we're not shitting on his legacy.

00:33:55.000 We're shitting on this one special.

00:33:57.000 Yeah.

00:33:58.000 That's how.

00:33:58.000 You can say everything he does is good now?

00:34:00.000 He's definitely a good...

00:34:03.000 He's definitely a great artist as far as the bulk of his stand-up comedy history.

00:34:09.000 He's a million right now.

00:34:11.000 He's a great, great comedian for the longest time.

00:34:17.000 I didn't watch his new one.

00:34:18.000 I watched a little bit of it on Comedy Central and I never got a chance to see it in Vegas.

00:34:21.000 I was with too many people.

00:34:22.000 I was too scared.

00:34:23.000 Scared to go see it live?

00:34:25.000 No, to watch the Comedy Central thing.

00:34:27.000 Because you'd hate it?

00:34:27.000 I've got enough respect for him.

00:34:28.000 I don't need to watch it.

00:34:29.000 Yeah, but do you have more or less respect for him if you drug 14 chicks?

00:34:34.000 That seems like if his special sucks, that's not nearly as disappointing.

00:34:39.000 It's like, you've got to be more honest on stage.

00:34:40.000 If that's what you're going to really do, you've got to deal with that from your act.

00:34:44.000 Could you imagine if he's like this squeaky clean guy, but he's really doing just dirty, drugging chicks and Like that Price is Right guy?

00:34:53.000 Not Price is Right.

00:34:54.000 What show was that?

00:34:55.000 Family Feud.

00:34:57.000 What did he do?

00:34:58.000 The Hi-8 cameras.

00:35:00.000 Wasn't that movie Hi-8?

00:35:01.000 Oh, no, no, no, no.

00:35:02.000 Hogan's Heroes.

00:35:03.000 Yeah, Hogan's Heroes.

00:35:04.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:35:05.000 The other guy who was on Hogan's Heroes was the host of Family Feud.

00:35:08.000 Oh, went on to it.

00:35:09.000 Remember?

00:35:10.000 Survey says!

00:35:11.000 The British guy?

00:35:12.000 Brad Combs, yeah.

00:35:13.000 No, no, no.

00:35:13.000 Before him.

00:35:14.000 Oh, really?

00:35:14.000 The British guy.

00:35:15.000 Yeah.

00:35:16.000 I don't remember.

00:35:17.000 Oh, yeah, I remember that guy.

00:35:18.000 He was the original guy.

00:35:19.000 Yeah, he was the original guy.

00:35:21.000 Yeah, I don't know.

00:35:22.000 Yeah.

00:35:23.000 Who the fuck was that?

00:35:24.000 I don't know who his name is.

00:35:25.000 What was that dude's name, Jamie?

00:35:27.000 Richard Dawson.

00:35:28.000 Richard Dawson.

00:35:29.000 Richard Dawson.

00:35:30.000 He would always kiss the fucking ladies.

00:35:32.000 Yeah.

00:35:32.000 Remember?

00:35:33.000 He was in Hogan's Heroes.

00:35:34.000 That's why he kissed the ladies, because he was so fucking a horndog.

00:35:38.000 That's evidence from that movie.

00:35:40.000 That's him.

00:35:41.000 That's him.

00:35:42.000 Yeah.

00:35:42.000 Richard Dawson.

00:35:44.000 He's a British POW. Yeah.

00:35:47.000 That's right.

00:35:48.000 Look at him.

00:35:48.000 Slinging dick with that fucking beautiful vest on.

00:35:51.000 I got a suit made with a three-piece like that.

00:35:53.000 I saw.

00:35:53.000 I saw you.

00:35:54.000 I retweeted it.

00:35:55.000 Your pimp-ass photos from...

00:35:56.000 No, I retweeted you poking Bruce Lee in the dick.

00:35:58.000 Yeah, that one got the most, like, favorites I've ever gotten.

00:36:01.000 I retweeted that.

00:36:02.000 What were you doing to his dick?

00:36:03.000 Doing karate on him?

00:36:04.000 Yeah, and I just, like, angled it.

00:36:05.000 So I was, like, right in his dick.

00:36:07.000 That's in Hong Kong?

00:36:08.000 That was in Hong Kong.

00:36:09.000 Is he, like, the biggest star to ever come out of Hong Kong?

00:36:12.000 International?

00:36:12.000 I gotta believe so.

00:36:14.000 Imagine the other Chinese dudes like, what the fuck do I have to do?

00:36:17.000 This doesn't make any sense.

00:36:19.000 Two guys ever.

00:36:20.000 Jet Li and him.

00:36:21.000 That's it?

00:36:23.000 Oh, Jackie Chan.

00:36:24.000 Whatever.

00:36:24.000 Three guys.

00:36:25.000 I invented tables.

00:36:28.000 I can't get a fucking footnote.

00:36:30.000 Oh, look at you.

00:36:32.000 Ballin'.

00:36:33.000 Yeah, those guys made it.

00:36:34.000 How long did that take?

00:36:35.000 You go once, they measure you.

00:36:37.000 You pick out a fabric, they measure you.

00:36:39.000 Rhodes told me about it.

00:36:39.000 They love him.

00:36:40.000 His headshot's on the wall there.

00:36:41.000 That's hilarious!

00:36:42.000 That guy's been there for 30 years, Rocky, the guy on the left.

00:36:45.000 Wow.

00:36:46.000 Your left or his?

00:36:48.000 Yeah, that guy.

00:36:50.000 The guy in the blue shirt.

00:36:51.000 Yeah.

00:36:52.000 Rocky.

00:36:52.000 Yeah.

00:36:53.000 30 years.

00:36:54.000 Yeah.

00:36:54.000 How old is he?

00:36:55.000 Looks like he's 80. He's like 60-something.

00:36:57.000 So he's been there since he was 30. Yeah.

00:36:59.000 His son's there.

00:36:59.000 Wow.

00:37:00.000 And that other guy has been doing tailoring for like 45 years.

00:37:03.000 Yeah, they pick out a fabric, they measure you, and then you come back the next day to measure it on your body, see what they've got to take in and stuff, and then you come back a couple days later, pick up your suit.

00:37:12.000 That's what they did for me for the UFC. Oh, the UFC finally told you, like, we're going to do this for you?

00:37:16.000 Yeah, they gave up on me.

00:37:18.000 Handmade suit?

00:37:19.000 They just made it for you?

00:37:19.000 Yeah.

00:37:19.000 Great.

00:37:20.000 It won't fit better than that.

00:37:22.000 It's kind of tight.

00:37:23.000 It is?

00:37:24.000 Yeah.

00:37:25.000 I stopped wearing the jacket.

00:37:26.000 The jacket was too much.

00:37:28.000 They don't make them for chimpanzees.

00:37:30.000 They make them for regular people.

00:37:32.000 You can get it made for your fucking garbage can body type.

00:37:36.000 Garbage can?

00:37:37.000 It doesn't work.

00:37:39.000 The jacket doesn't work.

00:37:40.000 The clothes work fine, although they're a little tight.

00:37:42.000 It's weird.

00:37:43.000 It's like a stretchy fabric, so it doesn't feel bad that it's tight.

00:37:45.000 It moves real good.

00:37:47.000 But, you know...

00:37:50.000 There's like a slim look that people wear these days.

00:37:53.000 Slim, trimmed sort of clothes.

00:37:55.000 I pass those people in the lower east side.

00:37:58.000 I'm like, God damn it, you look good!

00:38:00.000 And there's suits like with the one button and like, fuck, black man and like fucking cool suits.

00:38:05.000 Like, Jesus.

00:38:06.000 Slick suits.

00:38:07.000 Chicks do that shit.

00:38:08.000 Walking around with those stupid shoes on.

00:38:09.000 They like it.

00:38:10.000 Oh yeah, those stupid shoes.

00:38:12.000 Uncomfortable, slippery shoes.

00:38:13.000 Oh, those are so ridiculous.

00:38:14.000 They try to get me to wear those.

00:38:15.000 Slippery shoes?

00:38:16.000 I'm like, bitch.

00:38:16.000 Like, why?

00:38:17.000 You're never going to film my feet.

00:38:18.000 I should wear sneakers.

00:38:19.000 You should wear ratty Chuck Taylors.

00:38:20.000 Good move.

00:38:21.000 Yeah.

00:38:21.000 I should, but occasionally they see my feet.

00:38:23.000 Wow.

00:38:23.000 I don't think I can show you from the bottom up.

00:38:25.000 It looks like I'm trying too hard.

00:38:26.000 Oh, yeah.

00:38:27.000 You know?

00:38:28.000 Like, if you're a comedian, you wear Chuck Taylors with a nice suit.

00:38:30.000 Jordan Rubin.

00:38:31.000 But it's like you're being a comedian.

00:38:33.000 Right.

00:38:33.000 You're trying too hard.

00:38:34.000 You're like, look, I'm wacky!

00:38:36.000 I'm a wacky guy!

00:38:38.000 I had a meeting with a dude once.

00:38:39.000 There was a time...

00:38:40.000 I don't know if I told you the story.

00:38:42.000 There was a time where they were giving out development deals like fucking crazy.

00:38:47.000 Left and right.

00:38:47.000 Mad money.

00:38:49.000 Mad money.

00:38:49.000 For comedians and, more importantly, for writers.

00:38:52.000 And this one guy was a writer.

00:38:54.000 He was a writer on, like, Friends.

00:38:57.000 And he got a crazy deal.

00:39:00.000 I think it was Michael Eisner's company.

00:39:02.000 Wow.

00:39:02.000 Remember when he had some company?

00:39:04.000 Huge amount of money and an office.

00:39:05.000 And they say, we got you for two years.

00:39:07.000 Give us some ideas.

00:39:08.000 Yeah.

00:39:08.000 And so I had a development deal with Fox at the time.

00:39:11.000 So they wanted me to meet with this cat.

00:39:13.000 So I met with this guy to work on a sitcom.

00:39:16.000 This was post-news radio.

00:39:17.000 Right after news radio ended, I got this development deal.

00:39:19.000 When you're done with this, you've got to tell another story.

00:39:21.000 So I go, tell another story?

00:39:22.000 Yeah.

00:39:23.000 Okay.

00:39:23.000 You're going to tell me what it is?

00:39:24.000 You're writing it down?

00:39:25.000 Yeah.

00:39:25.000 Okay.

00:39:25.000 So I go...

00:39:27.000 You freaked me out.

00:39:29.000 What was I talking about?

00:39:31.000 You got this development deal?

00:39:33.000 Oh, yeah.

00:39:33.000 Okay, so I go in this guy's office.

00:39:35.000 And they gave him this giant fucking development deal.

00:39:38.000 They're telling me how amazing he is.

00:39:39.000 One of the writers on Friends.

00:39:40.000 This guy's incredible.

00:39:40.000 Turns out he was actually a partner of a funny guy.

00:39:44.000 And he was the guy who would write shit down.

00:39:45.000 And there was like a two-guy team.

00:39:48.000 And this guy got a development deal.

00:39:49.000 But he was horrible.

00:39:52.000 So I go in to meet with him and he's wearing bowling shoes.

00:39:56.000 And I look down and I see those bowling shoes.

00:39:58.000 Why?

00:39:59.000 Does that work?

00:39:59.000 Oh, he's a wacky guy who wears bowling shoes because he's silly.

00:40:03.000 Don't you get it?

00:40:04.000 So this guy's talking to me about plots and this and that, and I'm looking at his bowling shoes.

00:40:09.000 You silly, silly motherfucker.

00:40:11.000 And I got out of there, and Sussman said the same thing to me.

00:40:13.000 He goes, you see his shoes?

00:40:15.000 He goes, he's wearing bowling shoes.

00:40:16.000 And I go, yeah, what's up with that?

00:40:17.000 He goes, he wants you to think he's wacky.

00:40:20.000 Like, who likes wacky?

00:40:22.000 Because I'm a wacky guy!

00:40:23.000 Because he was thinking that's how you become a funny guy.

00:40:26.000 You've got to walk around with bowling shoes on.

00:40:28.000 The script that he wrote was such a massive hunk of shit.

00:40:31.000 Oh my goodness.

00:40:33.000 It was about an immortal guy.

00:40:35.000 An immortal guy who banged chicks.

00:40:37.000 He got cursed in Egypt and banged chicks through the end of time to the future and had all these sexual dilemmas.

00:40:43.000 Weird.

00:40:44.000 It was so bad.

00:40:46.000 It was so, it didn't make any sense.

00:40:48.000 It was like you would read it and you would go, who could have thought this was funny?

00:40:51.000 I was in the office with the Fox people when they brought it to me and, you know, they have this, like, did you read it?

00:40:57.000 So we have this meeting.

00:40:57.000 I go, yeah.

00:40:58.000 Did you read it?

00:40:59.000 And they go, yeah.

00:41:00.000 I go, I fucking told you.

00:41:01.000 Like, I told you.

00:41:03.000 And they're like, well, I mean, it's important.

00:41:05.000 What he's really good at is story structure.

00:41:06.000 I go, what the fuck do you mean by that?

00:41:08.000 You just said nonsense.

00:41:10.000 What he's really good at is story structure.

00:41:11.000 On a sitcom?

00:41:12.000 The idea is that, like, maybe you comedians know how to make things laugh, make people laugh.

00:41:17.000 But what you don't know is how to structure a story.

00:41:20.000 Nobody really cares about the structure of the story.

00:41:22.000 But when they say stuff like that, like story structure, you know what?

00:41:25.000 They're just saying words that sound right.

00:41:27.000 You probably won't know what this means, so I'll just say it so you won't argue with me.

00:41:30.000 Well, there's guys who know how to write movies or books that are really good at story structure.

00:41:35.000 Yeah, the guys who write 24. Yeah.

00:41:37.000 That's hard as shit.

00:41:38.000 Hard as shit.

00:41:39.000 Really good at structuring stories.

00:41:41.000 They spend a ton of time on it.

00:41:42.000 But a sitcom is about being funny.

00:41:45.000 Stories are important, but funny stories are...

00:41:48.000 Like, Larry David was the master of that.

00:41:51.000 Because he knew how to make a funny, thorough through line.

00:41:55.000 Funny, funny.

00:41:55.000 It's funny, the idea itself is hilarious.

00:41:59.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:42:00.000 I went out for an audition for some part, I told you this, but I read it, you know, some best friend character, and the casting director was like, okay, that was good, my only note, you didn't do any of the lines.

00:42:19.000 You told me this.

00:42:20.000 I was like, oh yeah, those lines are terrible.

00:42:21.000 I cannot do those.

00:42:22.000 I was supposed to go out for that same role.

00:42:24.000 Yeah, that's hilarious.

00:42:25.000 I read it and I was like, get the fuck out of here.

00:42:27.000 They're making a big push through the comedian community.

00:42:30.000 Yeah.

00:42:30.000 It got to me and I was like, because I'm not completely out of the loop.

00:42:34.000 I don't audition for things.

00:42:36.000 I don't want to act.

00:42:37.000 I don't have any desire.

00:42:38.000 So when it comes to me, it's coming to me completely out of the blue.

00:42:41.000 I don't put myself out in that world.

00:42:43.000 The only person I've ever acted with is Kevin James because we're friends in the last decade plus.

00:42:49.000 So, I was like, well, maybe it's just really good.

00:42:52.000 And you read it, and it's like, it ain't good.

00:42:53.000 And then I heard what you did, and I was like, that's how to handle it.

00:42:56.000 I asked my manager, like, hey, I said yes before I read it.

00:42:59.000 So now, can I just fuck around and have fun, or should I just not go?

00:43:02.000 Like, how do you want me to handle it?

00:43:03.000 I don't want to get you in trouble with the casting director.

00:43:04.000 She goes, Ari, I'm never going to tell you not to do what you want to do.

00:43:07.000 Wow.

00:43:07.000 That's a good agent.

00:43:08.000 And I was like, yeah.

00:43:09.000 That's a good agent.

00:43:10.000 Yeah, but that's how they make a piece of shit sitcom.

00:43:13.000 You always wonder how you take a funny guy and make a fucking terrible sitcom with him.

00:43:16.000 Hook him up with some shitty writer who just whips it out in a week, who doesn't care about it at all.

00:43:20.000 Some dickhead wearing bowling shoes, thinking he's wacky.

00:43:24.000 Ugh.

00:43:26.000 Well, that's the beautiful thing about being a comic, about detaching yourself from that ridiculous system.

00:43:33.000 Like, for the longest time, we were all taught that we had to get a sitcom.

00:43:38.000 You have to get a sitcom.

00:43:40.000 Put together an act.

00:43:42.000 Get your seven minutes together.

00:43:44.000 Even if you just want to go on the road, that's the only way you're going to go on the road and have a draw.

00:43:47.000 Put a sitcom together.

00:43:49.000 Yeah.

00:43:49.000 That was the thing, man.

00:43:50.000 We always were taught that.

00:43:52.000 Yeah.

00:43:52.000 And then suddenly you're like, I just lost faith in television.

00:43:56.000 Yeah.

00:43:56.000 Like, I stopped even caring.

00:43:58.000 It was like a girl you're trying to fuck all the time.

00:44:00.000 She doesn't want to fuck you.

00:44:01.000 After a while, it's like, I'm not even mad at you.

00:44:03.000 You're irrelevant.

00:44:04.000 I just stopped thinking about you.

00:44:05.000 Well, one thing that I owe Dane Cook.

00:44:08.000 Yeah.

00:44:08.000 For sure.

00:44:09.000 Yeah.

00:44:10.000 Is that Dane Cook inspired me to use social media more.

00:44:13.000 You could do this without the TV, the approval of some guy.

00:44:17.000 Well, he inspired me to use social media in a promotion way.

00:44:22.000 I never used it before, but I saw the results that he got, which were insanely good.

00:44:26.000 Myspace, he crushed it.

00:44:27.000 I mean, he got results from performances, for sure.

00:44:29.000 But he also got results because of the fact that he had so many Myspace friends.

00:44:33.000 Yeah, he capitalized on those results of the shows.

00:44:36.000 He capitalized so hard on them.

00:44:37.000 Yeah, fascinating.

00:44:39.000 Completely fascinating.

00:44:40.000 So that got me really into MySpace, which got me really into Twitter, which got me...

00:44:44.000 I'd always had a message board, but that's also when Brian and I started working together and he started creating videos and that also.

00:44:50.000 Oh yeah, message board was nice, but it's not the same.

00:44:53.000 It's reaching out to everybody.

00:44:54.000 Yeah, it's not the same.

00:44:54.000 The message board is very exclusive.

00:44:57.000 Yeah, you're right.

00:44:57.000 It shouldn't say exclusive, but limited.

00:44:59.000 But once you see he showed the way a little bit where it's like, guys, we don't need them anymore.

00:45:02.000 We can do some of it on our own.

00:45:03.000 He was the first guy to break through.

00:45:05.000 And when I saw it, I was looking at what he created by breaking through like that.

00:45:10.000 And then I started seeing.

00:45:12.000 I was like, ooh, there's going to come a point in time.

00:45:14.000 Maybe it's now.

00:45:15.000 Maybe it's in the future.

00:45:16.000 All that's going to matter is how many people you can connect with online.

00:45:19.000 Like, whatever you can create that people, whether it's one of those videos that Brian used to do, or whether it's a blog entry, or whether it's a stand-up comedy clip, or whether it's a podcast, which didn't even exist back then.

00:45:32.000 Yeah.

00:45:33.000 By the way, I have a podcast called...

00:45:34.000 Oh!

00:45:35.000 The Skeptic Tank!

00:45:36.000 Man, suck it!

00:45:37.000 Everyone should check it out.

00:45:38.000 It's pretty fun.

00:45:39.000 But that was one of the things that led us to doing those Justin.tv, those Justin.tv things.

00:45:45.000 Oh yeah, those were the first kind of podcasts we did.

00:45:47.000 Turned on the green room.

00:45:48.000 We used to do these, I used to have a thing that connected to my laptop that would stream the internet from a cell phone.

00:45:56.000 It was a long time ago.

00:45:57.000 Oh really?

00:45:57.000 Oh yeah, we didn't have Wi-Fi in the Cobbs green room.

00:46:01.000 It was a long time ago.

00:46:02.000 It was when cell phone data was first starting to make its way to laptops with these little USB things.

00:46:09.000 And then they started making some ThinkPads and some certain laptops that had cellular connections built into them.

00:46:16.000 So they had a Wi-Fi cellular data.

00:46:18.000 Like I have an iPad that's a Verizon iPad.

00:46:21.000 It's synced up to Verizon.

00:46:22.000 So even if there's no No wifi, I can still get on.

00:46:25.000 I can still look at websites and shit like that.

00:46:29.000 I love it.

00:46:29.000 It's really cool.

00:46:30.000 It's really cool.

00:46:31.000 Yeah, that's nice.

00:46:31.000 Yeah, it's nice.

00:46:32.000 It's way better than trying to look at something on your phone.

00:46:35.000 You can look at it on your iPad.

00:46:37.000 It's like a real website.

00:46:39.000 But back then, when we were in that room and we were streaming it from that little clunky USB thing that would stick in there, that all started out because of Dane Cook.

00:46:49.000 He wasn't doing that at the time.

00:46:50.000 He wasn't doing that, but he did something online that I thought was extraordinary.

00:46:55.000 I tell comics too, when they're like, everyone's got a podcast, it's not going to be big.

00:46:59.000 It might not be big.

00:47:00.000 And it almost definitely won't.

00:47:01.000 But keep doing things to move forward.

00:47:04.000 You'll get a couple fans.

00:47:06.000 It's not going to make you massive.

00:47:07.000 It could easily be big if it's good.

00:47:09.000 The beautiful thing about podcasts is that it's about merit.

00:47:12.000 Like look at Joey Diaz.

00:47:13.000 Perfect example.

00:47:15.000 Joey Diaz is not famous for anything other than being awesome.

00:47:18.000 It all came from him being awesome.

00:47:20.000 It didn't come from movies.

00:47:21.000 It didn't come from TV shows.

00:47:22.000 It didn't come from anything else.

00:47:23.000 And he did a lot of those things.

00:47:24.000 He did all those things.

00:47:25.000 Joey Diaz got famous from doing podcasts, from people realizing what a funny fucking guy he is.

00:47:32.000 Just from being awesome.

00:47:33.000 And that wasn't available, man.

00:47:36.000 When Dane Cook popped out of the scene, that was when I first became aware, like, whoa, the internet isn't just for looking at stuff, it's for putting stuff out.

00:47:45.000 I love it.

00:47:46.000 You don't need anybody's approval anymore.

00:47:47.000 They don't need shit!

00:47:48.000 Give it to your fans, give it to whoever.

00:47:50.000 They can't take that back.

00:47:51.000 It's over.

00:47:52.000 And the way we use it is very unique, too.

00:47:54.000 Because we all support each other, and we tweet each other shit, and we pump each other up.

00:47:58.000 We do shows together, like you, me, Duncan Diaz, Red Band, Eddie Bravo.

00:48:03.000 Everybody's all connected in this little thing.

00:48:05.000 And because of that, because of that connection, it makes for an even bigger force, an even bigger impact.

00:48:13.000 You know?

00:48:13.000 Like, Tripoli's fucking CD was number two on iTunes, man.

00:48:16.000 That was great.

00:48:17.000 That was great.

00:48:17.000 He was so happy.

00:48:18.000 He was so happy.

00:48:19.000 Took the gun out of his mouth for like a week and a half.

00:48:21.000 Fuck yeah.

00:48:21.000 Like a whole week and a half.

00:48:23.000 Yeah.

00:48:24.000 We're happy for him.

00:48:24.000 He's super happy.

00:48:25.000 And also, he sees the light at the end of the tunnel.

00:48:27.000 You know, when something like that happens.

00:48:28.000 Okay, I can get a little bit of like...

00:48:31.000 Fucking headline all over the place on the road now.

00:48:33.000 He did Edmonton.

00:48:34.000 We did Edmonton the week before.

00:48:36.000 He did the River Creek Casino with me.

00:48:38.000 And then he went back and packed that comedy club the next week.

00:48:41.000 Yeah, I was wondering that the first couple times I did it with you where it wasn't like the next week, but it was like within some time.

00:48:46.000 And I'm like, well, let's call the club owner and make sure they're okay with it because we already had this thing booked, you know.

00:48:50.000 But then a couple of them are like, yeah, it's okay.

00:48:53.000 And then you realize you're telling way more people.

00:48:55.000 And so a lot of people will just come back.

00:48:57.000 And you're going to kill in front of those 2,000 people at the River Cree and they're going to tell them, oh, we went to see this guy, Ari Shafir.

00:49:04.000 Holy shit, was he funny.

00:49:05.000 Oh my God, he's at the comedy club next week.

00:49:07.000 At a club, if you get 30 people extra a show, they're like, thank you so much.

00:49:09.000 Here's some extra money.

00:49:10.000 Yeah, they're so happy.

00:49:12.000 Yeah.

00:49:12.000 And a club like that that consistently gets- Edmonton's a good room.

00:49:16.000 Good people.

00:49:16.000 Yeah.

00:49:17.000 Like Brian Callen was there.

00:49:18.000 We were on the plane and Adam Hunter was there.

00:49:21.000 Adam Hunter was there.

00:49:22.000 Yeah, I was going up to Edmonton a couple of weeks ago and I ran into Hunter on a plane.

00:49:25.000 Oh, that was for the hunting?

00:49:26.000 Yeah, the hunting thing.

00:49:26.000 Oh, nice.

00:49:27.000 Yeah, and Hunter was up there doing that comedy club.

00:49:30.000 Callen was there the week before.

00:49:30.000 The Hunter was up there?

00:49:31.000 No, Adam Hunter.

00:49:32.000 Oh, oh, oh.

00:49:33.000 I had him under the comedian.

00:49:34.000 I was like, you just got the hunter to do it.

00:49:35.000 I had him through five minutes.

00:49:37.000 Yeah, it's a good club.

00:49:38.000 I've heard it's a great club.

00:49:39.000 That's owned by the same people who talked me out of jail time at Mall of America.

00:49:42.000 Really?

00:49:43.000 Yeah.

00:49:43.000 They talked you out of it?

00:49:44.000 They got you...

00:49:45.000 Yeah, when I did the Hide the Edible there.

00:49:48.000 So they allegedly...

00:49:50.000 Wasn't really hide the edible, it was fake.

00:49:52.000 Yeah.

00:49:52.000 Right?

00:49:53.000 We're not on trial.

00:49:54.000 Dude, this is the internet.

00:49:55.000 The government, man.

00:49:57.000 I'm concerned.

00:49:58.000 I'm concerned about the future.

00:49:59.000 I had a conversation with someone about this today.

00:50:01.000 Yeah.

00:50:02.000 Someone who was talking about medical marijuana and marijuana being legal in Colorado and, you know, because I was just in Colorado.

00:50:09.000 Legal.

00:50:09.000 Someone popped around and it's in the Rockies game until the fourth inning.

00:50:12.000 Woo!

00:50:13.000 Amazing, right?

00:50:14.000 Yeah.

00:50:14.000 Isn't that incredible?

00:50:15.000 So what did he say?

00:50:17.000 Worried about 2016. Why?

00:50:20.000 Because of a couple things.

00:50:21.000 The conversation went like this.

00:50:22.000 We were talking about all this shit that's going down in Iraq.

00:50:26.000 And I said that if Iraq gets really ugly and things start happening, like really bad, and then someone blames Obama and they blame Democrats and they blame weakness.

00:50:37.000 Oh, I see it switching over this time.

00:50:39.000 People are dissatisfied with Obama so Hillary doesn't have a chance.

00:50:42.000 Then it could go Jeb Bush style.

00:50:44.000 And then it could go John Ashcroft style.

00:50:46.000 Real bad.

00:50:46.000 And then, that same type of thinking, it's like Chris Christie style, that tries to like, medical marijuana will never be legal in my state, marijuana will never be legal in my state, children are losing, they're dying out there, their fucking brains are rotting, their feet are exploding,

00:51:02.000 inside their shoes, their dicks are falling off.

00:51:05.000 These guys, they're all like in that sort of vein.

00:51:09.000 When a Chris Christie in 2014 is spreading disinformation, he's a guy who's...

00:51:13.000 What is he disinformation...

00:51:15.000 Crazy shit about cannabis and the effects on the human brain.

00:51:19.000 I heard Nancy Grace has been super into pot for the last six months.

00:51:22.000 Has she been?

00:51:22.000 Yeah, she likes doing pot.

00:51:24.000 She smokes it constantly.

00:51:26.000 Just making it up?

00:51:27.000 Yeah, but maybe.

00:51:28.000 She might.

00:51:29.000 She's probably lighting up.

00:51:30.000 She probably realizes she's got to get out of that business.

00:51:32.000 It's bad karma.

00:51:32.000 She's in the business today.

00:51:33.000 She keeps talking about the crime spree in Denver.

00:51:35.000 The crime spree is here.

00:51:36.000 What are you talking about?

00:51:37.000 The crime spree is here.

00:51:39.000 It's made its way to Florida.

00:51:41.000 What are you talking about?

00:51:42.000 Directly proportionally.

00:51:45.000 This guy that I had this conversation with, the conversation was worried about what happens in 2016. Because if 2016 snaps over and becomes super Republican, you know, things sort of go in and out.

00:51:58.000 You have pendulums.

00:51:59.000 Yeah.

00:52:00.000 I mean, look, they had the 60s.

00:52:01.000 He's worried what will happen if we go super Republican?

00:52:03.000 Yeah.

00:52:03.000 You had the 60s, and then you had the 70s, and then you had the 80s, which was Nancy Reagan, just say no.

00:52:08.000 I mean, that's all within two decades.

00:52:10.000 This is your brain on drugs.

00:52:11.000 Remember all that shit?

00:52:12.000 Seems like when it snaps back, too, it snaps back harder.

00:52:14.000 Hard.

00:52:14.000 They don't go moderates.

00:52:15.000 They go, like, hard.

00:52:16.000 And then people are like, that's what they want.

00:52:17.000 They go, super hard Democrat.

00:52:18.000 They go, super, and then eventually one of them will just win.

00:52:21.000 Or the aliens land.

00:52:22.000 We're going to power to outlaw the other one.

00:52:23.000 We'll burn the Reichstag.

00:52:25.000 It'll be over.

00:52:26.000 Or the aliens attack.

00:52:27.000 The aliens land.

00:52:28.000 And then we realize.

00:52:29.000 Remember when Ronald Reagan said that?

00:52:31.000 What?

00:52:31.000 You never remember that?

00:52:32.000 Uh-uh.

00:52:33.000 Ronald Reagan gave the speech that all the wacky UFO dudes always point to as evidence that the alien invasion is imminent.

00:52:41.000 It was Ronald Reagan talking about how quickly we would abandon our differences if we faced a threat from an alien world.

00:52:49.000 Yeah.

00:52:50.000 And when he said it, people were like, what the fuck did you just say?

00:52:54.000 Like, it is an interesting way.

00:52:55.000 There's no way he would say that other than if there was aliens.

00:52:58.000 Sort of.

00:52:59.000 He was putting things into perspective.

00:53:00.000 I mean, it is kind of, we would realize that we are citizens of the world if we were facing a threat from another world.

00:53:06.000 It would be us versus them.

00:53:07.000 The ultimate us versus them.

00:53:09.000 Oh, yeah.

00:53:10.000 Earthlings.

00:53:11.000 Pull that up, Jamie, because it's quite fascinating.

00:53:12.000 Gene Roddenberry's view of the world later was like, Earth comes together.

00:53:16.000 Yeah.

00:53:16.000 So it's a French region, but that's it.

00:53:18.000 Listen to this, though.

00:53:18.000 It'll freak you out.

00:53:19.000 Perhaps we need some outside universal threat.

00:53:22.000 I occasionally think how quickly our differences worldwide would vanish if we were facing an alien threat from outside this world.

00:53:34.000 And yet, I ask you, is not an alien force already among us?

00:53:40.000 What could be more alien to the universal aspirations of our peoples than war and the threat of war?

00:53:48.000 That's a great goddamn speech, by the way.

00:53:50.000 You know, Ronald Reagan was an old fuck, and he died confused and selling arms to Iran and allegedly forgetting about it.

00:53:57.000 He's one of the good Republicans, right?

00:54:00.000 I don't know.

00:54:01.000 Depends on who you ask.

00:54:02.000 Yeah, I guess so.

00:54:03.000 Back then he wasn't loved.

00:54:04.000 I remember when I was a kid, when Ronald Reagan was president, people fucking hated him.

00:54:08.000 Oh, really?

00:54:09.000 Oh, my God.

00:54:09.000 Oh, wow.

00:54:10.000 They hated him, especially towards the end.

00:54:12.000 They hate all the guys, all the presidents.

00:54:14.000 Jimmy Tingle?

00:54:15.000 Do you know who Jimmy Tingle is?

00:54:16.000 No.

00:54:17.000 Jimmy Tingle.

00:54:18.000 Oh, yeah, the political comic?

00:54:19.000 Political comic.

00:54:20.000 And back then in Boston, he was just starting to become political.

00:54:23.000 He was on a tape of like, expose at the comedy store.

00:54:26.000 Not expose, but just like new comics.

00:54:28.000 Here's a show, new comedy night.

00:54:30.000 And Doug Benson was on it.

00:54:32.000 Just eating it.

00:54:33.000 It was hilarious.

00:54:35.000 I mean, he was just starting.

00:54:36.000 He was just starting.

00:54:38.000 How many days have you been into comedy?

00:54:40.000 Had he been in?

00:54:41.000 Yeah.

00:54:41.000 He must have just moved.

00:54:43.000 Less than a year.

00:54:44.000 Less than a year.

00:54:44.000 Yeah.

00:54:44.000 And he was on tape?

00:54:45.000 Yeah, and then you've got Arsenio Hall because he's watching with Mitzi in the back.

00:54:48.000 He goes, sometimes you just, I forget what he said, Mike Long's like, you just don't got it.

00:54:53.000 Go home.

00:54:54.000 Go home.

00:54:55.000 He said that about Doug Benson?

00:54:57.000 Well, they cut it to make it seem like that.

00:54:58.000 I don't know.

00:54:59.000 Wow, that's dark.

00:55:01.000 It was pretty funny.

00:55:02.000 But Jimmy Tingle had the best job.

00:55:03.000 2020, that was 2020. It was on 2020?

00:55:05.000 Yeah.

00:55:06.000 What was it about?

00:55:07.000 The Comedy Store.

00:55:08.000 Oh, it was just on the Comedy Store.

00:55:09.000 And how Mitzi Pats's people.

00:55:10.000 And Doug Benson was up there bombing on 2020?

00:55:13.000 Yeah.

00:55:14.000 I mean, he recovered.

00:55:15.000 He recovered nicely.

00:55:16.000 He recovered very well.

00:55:17.000 He did very well.

00:55:18.000 But Jimmy Tingle was on there, too.

00:55:19.000 That's an example of someone who's a little bit more.

00:55:21.000 I would have eaten a plate of shit up there, too.

00:55:22.000 You would have jumped at the chance to be on 2020, though.

00:55:25.000 Sure.

00:55:25.000 Jumped at the chance and ate a fat pile of shit.

00:55:28.000 Fat pile.

00:55:29.000 Jimmy Tingle had this great joke about when...

00:55:34.000 Ronald Reagan got in trouble for that.

00:55:37.000 He was testifying in front of Congress.

00:55:41.000 Oh, yeah.

00:55:41.000 And they said, you know, did you sell arms to Iran?

00:55:45.000 And he was like, I do not recall.

00:55:47.000 That was the best way of not lying.

00:55:48.000 Yeah, and Tingle goes, Mr. President, when you sell arms to people who hate us, jot it down.

00:55:57.000 He goes, write a note.

00:56:00.000 Put it on your refrigerator.

00:56:02.000 Yeah.

00:56:03.000 It's like in that heavy Boston accent.

00:56:06.000 That's funny.

00:56:07.000 It's really funny.

00:56:07.000 There's Jimmy Tingle.

00:56:08.000 There he is.

00:56:09.000 He's got 1,536 tweets.

00:56:12.000 He's following 11,000 people.

00:56:14.000 More people should follow him.

00:56:15.000 He's a funny fucking guy.

00:56:16.000 He's got more followers than followers.

00:56:18.000 There you go.

00:56:19.000 Oh, here's what I could tell you to say.

00:56:21.000 Tell the story of how you got that first development deal.

00:56:24.000 What Sussman did.

00:56:26.000 Sussman's a wizard.

00:56:27.000 Yeah.

00:56:28.000 I had a development deal to do an offer to do a show on MTV. And how much was that offer, Joe?

00:56:34.000 I don't remember.

00:56:36.000 I don't really remember the money.

00:56:37.000 The story I heard, I think I remember it being like $500.

00:56:41.000 It wasn't much.

00:56:41.000 Or it's like a technical amount.

00:56:43.000 Yeah.

00:56:43.000 It wasn't much.

00:56:44.000 It was somewhere around that.

00:56:46.000 It wasn't much at all.

00:56:47.000 It was like they give you money for a week to do this pilot.

00:56:50.000 It was really cheap.

00:56:52.000 And then if you did that pilot, you were locked up for years.

00:56:55.000 You're locked up for some long-term contract.

00:56:58.000 So Sussman...

00:57:01.000 Yeah.

00:57:02.000 Decided to take my tape and then he was send it out to all these different development companies.

00:57:09.000 I love this.

00:57:09.000 Like, you know, NBC and CBS. Well, he's just a wizard when it comes to planning shit.

00:57:15.000 So he sent this thing out and said, hey, this guy's about to sign a development deal for MTV. If you want to do something with him, you got to act now.

00:57:22.000 So you create like this demand.

00:57:23.000 Hype.

00:57:24.000 Yeah.

00:57:24.000 And then all of a sudden my phone was ringing off the hook.

00:57:27.000 I had to leave my apartment.

00:57:28.000 I couldn't stay in my house because people were calling me.

00:57:30.000 They were saying they were going to send a flight out for me.

00:57:33.000 Wow.

00:57:33.000 You're going to fly out of LA tonight and meet us in LA. Wow.

00:57:36.000 Or fly out of New York tonight, meet us in LA in the morning.

00:57:39.000 And we have a 10 a.m.

00:57:42.000 morning meeting with this guy at this executive, this fucking network, this fucking thing.

00:57:47.000 It was craziness, right?

00:57:49.000 Wow.

00:57:49.000 I talked to Sussman.

00:57:50.000 Sussman goes, don't answer the phone.

00:57:51.000 Just go to the pool hall.

00:57:52.000 I'll call you there.

00:57:53.000 I didn't even have a cell phone back then.

00:57:54.000 No one had cell phones.

00:57:55.000 This is 1993, right?

00:57:57.000 Yeah.

00:57:57.000 So I take off.

00:58:01.000 I go to the pool hall.

00:58:02.000 Within two days, it had just gotten completely crazy.

00:58:05.000 And then I think a couple days after that, I had a development deal with Disney.

00:58:09.000 Disney won out.

00:58:10.000 And the next thing you know, I was fucking flying out there and talking to these guys.

00:58:15.000 Yeah.

00:58:15.000 Flying to L.A. and talking to these people, Gary Valentine stayed in my hotel room with me because Gary was out here huffing, and Kevin James had just won Last Comic Standing.

00:58:26.000 Kevin James had won Last Comic Standing.

00:58:28.000 Not Last Comic Standing, excuse me.

00:58:29.000 Star Search.

00:58:30.000 Oh, wow.

00:58:31.000 Kevin won Star Search, so it was like a big deal.

00:58:34.000 He definitely won a few rounds, whatever it was.

00:58:37.000 Maybe he won it.

00:58:38.000 I don't know.

00:58:39.000 He was really good.

00:58:41.000 Kevin James is a very underrated comic.

00:58:43.000 Very underrated stand-up.

00:58:44.000 At the time, he was killing it, man.

00:58:47.000 He was killing it.

00:58:48.000 He doesn't do it much anymore because he does a lot of movies.

00:58:50.000 He does a lot of movies.

00:58:51.000 But anyway, I got $150,000.

00:58:56.000 That's hilarious.

00:58:57.000 What?

00:58:57.000 $150,000?

00:58:58.000 $150,000?

00:58:59.000 Yeah.

00:59:00.000 Wow.

00:59:00.000 $150,000.

00:59:01.000 I went from being broke To $150,000.

00:59:04.000 It was the craziest thing ever.

00:59:06.000 And then from then...

00:59:07.000 He just used their ability to not be able to decide for themselves.

00:59:10.000 Like, oh, somebody else likes you?

00:59:11.000 Hold on.

00:59:12.000 Well, he was also pissed off because the executives at MTV, they had this idea.

00:59:19.000 And the idea was that they had created stars.

00:59:23.000 So they did it with Dennis Leary and Dennis Leary left.

00:59:25.000 And so they're like, we're not going to do that again.

00:59:27.000 We create stars.

00:59:28.000 If you come with us, it'll make you famous.

00:59:30.000 We don't have to pay you.

00:59:31.000 So they didn't want to pay much money.

00:59:33.000 They still do that.

00:59:33.000 Yeah.

00:59:34.000 It's still their thing.

00:59:34.000 It's like, no, no, we make stars.

00:59:35.000 It's like, sometimes.

00:59:36.000 Not anymore, you know.

00:59:36.000 The shows you remember.

00:59:38.000 Listen, that fucking boat has sailed.

00:59:40.000 That boat is gone.

00:59:41.000 It's not in the harbor.

00:59:42.000 You can't even see it on the horizon.

00:59:44.000 That's a joke.

00:59:44.000 There's a million fucking cable channels now.

00:59:47.000 The idea that your one network is valuable is preposterous.

00:59:51.000 Back then, it was valuable because there weren't that many fucking channels.

00:59:54.000 There was no history channel, discovery channel, sci-fi, Spike TV. All that shit didn't exist.

00:59:59.000 So MTV... Fucking Netflix now, where there's Xbox that's starting their own channel.

01:00:03.000 It's over.

01:00:04.000 It's over.

01:00:04.000 DirecTV has their own shows.

01:00:06.000 Back then, it was like MTV had remote control, and MTV created Jenny McCarthy.

01:00:10.000 Remote.

01:00:11.000 Yep.

01:00:11.000 And they created Chris Hardwick.

01:00:13.000 A lot of people forget that.

01:00:14.000 Oh, yeah.

01:00:15.000 With that Jenny McCarthy show.

01:00:16.000 He was the fucking guy.

01:00:17.000 He was on it with...

01:00:18.000 And for the longest time, Jenny McCarthy was a famous one, and Chris Hardwick was the one that nobody knew who the fuck he was, and he vanished.

01:00:23.000 Wow, now he's humongous.

01:00:25.000 Now Chris Hardwick is bawling because of the podcast world.

01:00:30.000 He took over the podcast world.

01:00:33.000 And the nerds.

01:00:33.000 That's Chris Hardwick.

01:00:35.000 Yeah.

01:00:36.000 With Jenny McCarthy and some chick who's got a nice ass.

01:00:39.000 Very nice.

01:00:39.000 Carmen Electra.

01:00:40.000 Carmen Electra.

01:00:40.000 Pow!

01:00:41.000 That's what I'm talking about.

01:00:42.000 That's a booty for the ages.

01:00:43.000 Carmen Electra was on that show?

01:00:44.000 Yep.

01:00:45.000 Oh, wow.

01:00:45.000 Look at Chris Hardwick there.

01:00:46.000 Yeah.

01:00:47.000 This is all when I was an open mic-er.

01:00:49.000 This shit was going on.

01:00:50.000 He had a good joke when we were in open mics together.

01:00:52.000 When he was still drinking.

01:00:53.000 This weekend I learned something.

01:00:56.000 At a wedding.

01:00:57.000 It's never okay to spill beer on a baby.

01:01:02.000 Ooh!

01:01:02.000 It's true.

01:01:03.000 Yeah.

01:01:03.000 It's true.

01:01:04.000 What was that other show?

01:01:05.000 MTV Remote Control.

01:01:06.000 Remember that?

01:01:07.000 Yeah, Remote Control.

01:01:08.000 That made Colin Quinn.

01:01:09.000 Yeah.

01:01:10.000 Adam Sandler.

01:01:11.000 It didn't really, though.

01:01:11.000 It made Adam Sandler.

01:01:12.000 Colin Quinn, people didn't know who he was.

01:01:14.000 It didn't even really make them.

01:01:15.000 It got them known to be on Silent Night Live.

01:01:17.000 It got them a little fame.

01:01:18.000 Where's Ken Ober?

01:01:20.000 Remember that guy?

01:01:21.000 Did he do remote control?

01:01:22.000 Oh, he died.

01:01:23.000 Oh, congratulations.

01:01:24.000 He died in 2009. Damn.

01:01:29.000 Fucking Verizon will not turn on my internet service.

01:01:32.000 Wow.

01:01:32.000 In New York.

01:01:33.000 He's 52. Complaining of headaches, chronic chest pain, flu-like symptoms.

01:01:38.000 Really?

01:01:39.000 Yeah.

01:01:39.000 Wow.

01:01:40.000 Heart attack?

01:01:41.000 I don't know, man.

01:01:42.000 That's fucked.

01:01:43.000 Look at Colin Quinn there.

01:01:44.000 Holy shit.

01:01:45.000 Where is he?

01:01:46.000 On the far right.

01:01:47.000 Who's the guy laying down?

01:01:48.000 Probably a contestant, maybe.

01:01:50.000 Wow.

01:01:51.000 I don't know.

01:01:51.000 That's crazy.

01:01:53.000 Remote Control.

01:01:55.000 That was another big MTV show.

01:01:57.000 And it was supposed to be taking place in Ken Ober's basement.

01:02:00.000 The idea was that his parents had a basement and he always wanted to have his own show, so he put his show together.

01:02:07.000 Oh, really?

01:02:07.000 Yeah, something like that.

01:02:09.000 Yeah.

01:02:10.000 They had a show with the chick from the Brady Bunch.

01:02:15.000 It was a talk show called Ober and Olsen.

01:02:18.000 Really?

01:02:19.000 Yeah.

01:02:20.000 Dennis Leary was on Remote Control, too.

01:02:23.000 That's what launched him.

01:02:24.000 Wow.

01:02:25.000 Yeah.

01:02:26.000 And then MTV started doing these things with him.

01:02:28.000 All these little promo clips.

01:02:30.000 Hilarious promo clips.

01:02:31.000 Yeah, a little rant.

01:02:32.000 Yeah.

01:02:33.000 And that's sort of what made him.

01:02:34.000 Yeah, I remember those.

01:02:35.000 Showtime special, whatever it was.

01:02:37.000 Showtime, HBO, whatever the fuck is special.

01:02:39.000 Look at that fucking now.

01:02:41.000 Adam Sandler.

01:02:42.000 Look at the girl's hair behind him.

01:02:43.000 Wow.

01:02:44.000 That's like from his show, that 80s show, The Wedding Singer.

01:02:46.000 God damn, the 80s were weird.

01:02:49.000 That is so weird.

01:02:51.000 Look at the 80s, man.

01:02:52.000 Yeah.

01:02:53.000 What year was this shit?

01:02:55.000 1989, I think.

01:02:56.000 1987. Don't guess, son.

01:02:58.000 You're in front of a fucking computer.

01:03:00.000 1989, I think.

01:03:00.000 How dare you.

01:03:01.000 I'm looking at a picture.

01:03:02.000 Don't guess.

01:03:03.000 Don't guess.

01:03:04.000 Always look.

01:03:05.000 It was in syndication, 89 to 90. Really?

01:03:09.000 Yeah.

01:03:10.000 It ran for five seasons from 87 to 1990. They had five seasons in three years?

01:03:15.000 I don't know how you do that.

01:03:17.000 MTV seasons?

01:03:18.000 Yeah.

01:03:19.000 MTV's first original non-musical program.

01:03:22.000 Wow.

01:03:23.000 Wow, really?

01:03:24.000 Mm-hmm.

01:03:24.000 New episodes were made for first-run syndication.

01:03:27.000 How do you convince an executive, like, hey, I want to do something on your network that you just don't do?

01:03:32.000 I don't know.

01:03:34.000 They don't do any music.

01:03:36.000 Break it up a little bit.

01:03:37.000 The people that I talked to that were over there, they wanted to break it up a bit.

01:03:40.000 Oh, you know who it also made?

01:03:42.000 Who?

01:03:42.000 Carrie Werrer.

01:03:44.000 You remember her?

01:03:45.000 Carrie Werrer.

01:03:48.000 She is still hot.

01:03:50.000 She's 47. Well, that picture hasn't aged.

01:03:52.000 Yeah.

01:03:53.000 Look at the picture.

01:03:55.000 That's her now?

01:03:56.000 No.

01:03:57.000 That's her from back then.

01:03:59.000 But if you see, there's a picture of her now on Wikipedia.

01:04:02.000 She's cute.

01:04:03.000 She's still hot.

01:04:04.000 She's got that sexy milf thing going on.

01:04:08.000 Kapow kapow!

01:04:09.000 Is that her now?

01:04:13.000 That's her today?

01:04:15.000 Damn, still in shape.

01:04:16.000 Still in shape.

01:04:17.000 Powerful character.

01:04:19.000 Were her?

01:04:21.000 I was on Politically Incorrect with her.

01:04:24.000 Oh really?

01:04:25.000 Way back in the day, like in 1990-something, I think.

01:04:30.000 I think it was like, I want to say it was the Fear Factor days, but it might have been before that.

01:04:39.000 It might have been the news radio days.

01:04:40.000 I'm not even sure.

01:04:42.000 I know I was on at least once.

01:04:45.000 Yeah, there's Carrie...

01:04:46.000 Oh, wow.

01:04:46.000 Carrie...

01:04:47.000 I don't even know who she is.

01:04:51.000 I don't remember her at all.

01:04:52.000 She's hot as fuck, dude.

01:04:54.000 Look at you back in the news radio days.

01:04:55.000 Sexy as fuck.

01:04:57.000 Full head of hair.

01:04:58.000 Almost.

01:04:59.000 Almost full.

01:05:00.000 Starting to go.

01:05:00.000 It was one of those kind of shirts, too.

01:05:02.000 I love those big...

01:05:03.000 Over the elbow.

01:05:04.000 Yeah.

01:05:04.000 A little bit of color.

01:05:05.000 That, I think, was the news radio days.

01:05:07.000 And then after that was the...

01:05:09.000 I did it again on Fear Factor.

01:05:11.000 Oh, that shirt?

01:05:12.000 No, no, no, no, that show.

01:05:13.000 Oh.

01:05:14.000 Politically Incorrect.

01:05:15.000 That was before he got in trouble.

01:05:17.000 Remember he got in trouble for saying that we're cowards for fucking launching this?

01:05:21.000 That's why I lost respect for him.

01:05:23.000 Why'd you lose respect for him?

01:05:25.000 Not for that.

01:05:25.000 Because he didn't stand up for it?

01:05:27.000 No, because when I saw him this first show on HBO afterwards, he like cursed and he goes, this is why we wanted to come here.

01:05:33.000 This is why we wanted to get off network and come here.

01:05:36.000 I was like, bitch, you got thrown off.

01:05:37.000 Ha!

01:05:38.000 Quit pretending like you were responsible for that.

01:05:40.000 You begged for your job back.

01:05:42.000 Dude, he's a rebel.

01:05:43.000 What the fuck are you talking about?

01:05:44.000 Do you not know he's a rebel?

01:05:46.000 He's a reverend.

01:05:46.000 That's what I like about him the most.

01:05:47.000 He's a reverend.

01:05:48.000 Dude, he's a rebel.

01:05:51.000 Fucking Verizon made me wait three times all day long for goddamn technicians who never showed up.

01:05:57.000 What does that have to do with Carrie Warwick?

01:05:58.000 Nothing.

01:05:59.000 I just keep thinking about it.

01:06:00.000 You're all angry, bro.

01:06:01.000 I'm supposed to come on Saturday.

01:06:02.000 Verizon?

01:06:03.000 Verizon Internet.

01:06:04.000 Are you fucking, you're really angry at them right now?

01:06:06.000 Yeah, it's the worst.

01:06:08.000 And you call them, you're like, I get so angry at the customer service.

01:06:12.000 I know they're not to blame, but it's like, fucking, what time are they going to be?

01:06:16.000 Stop saying you're sorry!

01:06:18.000 Stop it!

01:06:19.000 It's an insult!

01:06:20.000 Ugh!

01:06:21.000 Three days I've given up.

01:06:23.000 Just waiting there for people to don't show up.

01:06:24.000 I still really guarantee you to be on by 5pm today.

01:06:27.000 You're very upset.

01:06:29.000 Dude, you know how you go to someone's page and you know them on Twitter but they don't follow you and you get sad?

01:06:34.000 Yeah.

01:06:34.000 That's why I just went to Carrie Werwer's page.

01:06:37.000 Really?

01:06:37.000 But I'm not following her.

01:06:39.000 You just remembered her for the first time in 20 years.

01:06:41.000 Listen, easy.

01:06:43.000 I'm trying to be nice.

01:06:44.000 Are you looking at her recent pics?

01:06:46.000 No, I just followed her on Twitter.

01:06:48.000 Put up her recent pics.

01:06:50.000 Put them up?

01:06:51.000 This is pretty, man.

01:06:52.000 Yeah, let me see.

01:06:52.000 She's hanging in there.

01:06:54.000 You know what?

01:06:55.000 I saw a TV show the other day and Wonder Woman was on it.

01:06:58.000 Oh, you can't put them up?

01:06:59.000 Really?

01:06:59.000 Linda Carter.

01:06:59.000 How is she?

01:07:02.000 Time's a motherfucker.

01:07:03.000 Time is such a motherfucker.

01:07:05.000 Linda Picard?

01:07:07.000 Time, time, time.

01:07:07.000 See what's become of me.

01:07:09.000 Yeah.

01:07:10.000 Look what's become of her.

01:07:10.000 You ever see that chick?

01:07:12.000 Oh, the Bengals girl?

01:07:13.000 No.

01:07:13.000 Not so good.

01:07:14.000 Really?

01:07:14.000 Oh, no, no, no, no.

01:07:15.000 I'm confused.

01:07:16.000 She's actually still pretty.

01:07:18.000 For whatever reason.

01:07:19.000 Hoff?

01:07:19.000 I associated her with Grace Slick from Jefferson Starship.

01:07:25.000 The tall black lady?

01:07:26.000 No, that's Grace Jones.

01:07:28.000 That was the one who dated Dolph Lundgren.

01:07:31.000 No, no, no.

01:07:32.000 She didn't date Flavor Flav.

01:07:34.000 No, Flavor Flav was the girl who used to be married to Sylvester Stallone.

01:07:41.000 Who was that?

01:07:42.000 Brigitte Nielsen, yeah.

01:07:44.000 She was the one who dated Flavor Flav.

01:07:47.000 You're confusing everybody, man.

01:07:49.000 I barely know you actors.

01:07:51.000 I barely fucking know you.

01:07:53.000 That's your legacy.

01:07:56.000 Grace Slick was the lead singer of Jefferson's Starship.

01:08:00.000 I need to get a lot of those mixed up.

01:08:04.000 Gray Slick was hot at one point in time.

01:08:07.000 Time's a motherfucker, dude.

01:08:09.000 Time doesn't wait.

01:08:10.000 Time gives no fucks.

01:08:12.000 Time keeps swinging.

01:08:13.000 Even if you're down, time kicks you.

01:08:17.000 Let's wrap it up, but this is a comeback to the beginning.

01:08:21.000 It was cool being at that Forbidden City and the Great Wall of China and touching these walls.

01:08:24.000 You're like, this has been here for a long time.

01:08:27.000 Yeah, what did that feel like?

01:08:28.000 It just was this cool connection to the past.

01:08:31.000 I mean, it's not real, but just imagine this, like, emperors have been by here and touched this.

01:08:35.000 How about the Mongols?

01:08:36.000 They built it to fucking fight off the steppe people.

01:08:39.000 That's what they did.

01:08:40.000 They built it to separate.

01:08:41.000 Imagine walking through the forest, trudging and marching through the forest, up and down mountains, these mountainy forests, and then you're getting not even close to their land, and then all of a sudden you're like, what?

01:08:55.000 The giant wall?

01:08:57.000 That you can see from space.

01:08:58.000 How do we get the horses up there?

01:08:59.000 I'll go around.

01:09:00.000 You march three miles.

01:09:02.000 Guys, do we even know which way is the end of this?

01:09:05.000 There's no end.

01:09:06.000 How long is that wall?

01:09:08.000 Look at you, you sexy bitch with no shirt holding the fucking Chinese flag.

01:09:12.000 Respect!

01:09:13.000 I love taking my shirt off there.

01:09:14.000 They do this thing all Chinese bikini.

01:09:16.000 They just tuck this up.

01:09:17.000 The men walk around like that.

01:09:18.000 Why did you like taking your shirt off?

01:09:20.000 I love taking my shirt off.

01:09:21.000 Well, I know.

01:09:21.000 Got a little sun in me.

01:09:22.000 Okay.

01:09:23.000 Yeah.

01:09:23.000 Alright, keep your clothes on.

01:09:25.000 Don't get wear with me here.

01:09:27.000 Yeah, I walked out to the top pots where people like stop walking and then this one guy's like, you go another this many kilometers, that's like Tower 23, that's as far as you can go.

01:09:35.000 And I was like, I guess I'm doing it.

01:09:36.000 So you walked all the way to the end.

01:09:38.000 It was so hot and so humid and so many steps, irregular shaped steps.

01:09:42.000 It was so hard.

01:09:44.000 How long is the Great Wall?

01:09:45.000 What is the total distance?

01:09:46.000 Dude, we got up somewhere.

01:09:47.000 We got up somewhere near the toboggan to get down.

01:09:50.000 Okay, let's find out.

01:09:51.000 But yeah, it's the only man-made object viewable from space.

01:09:55.000 The Great Wall of China.

01:10:01.000 Jesus Christ.

01:10:02.000 5,500 miles.

01:10:04.000 That's insane.

01:10:06.000 Is that right?

01:10:07.000 5,000 what?

01:10:08.000 5,500 miles?

01:10:10.000 Is that right?

01:10:10.000 Longer than the United States of America.

01:10:12.000 It goes up and gets windy too.

01:10:13.000 It goes up and over things.

01:10:14.000 Is that really right?

01:10:18.000 Maybe.

01:10:19.000 Oh my god.

01:10:21.000 What kind of undertaking was that?

01:10:23.000 That's like some pyramid level shit, right?

01:10:25.000 How many deaths?

01:10:25.000 You really think about it.

01:10:27.000 It's 8,850 kilometers, which is 5,000.

01:10:30.000 And it's not just a straight up wall.

01:10:31.000 There's ways to stand it.

01:10:32.000 There's elements that you can stick your arrow through and fire down without getting shot.

01:10:36.000 It's all built well.

01:10:38.000 That's so crazy.

01:10:39.000 I didn't know it was that long.

01:10:41.000 It goes on forever.

01:10:42.000 I figured it was like 100 miles.

01:10:45.000 That's what I thought in my head.

01:10:46.000 I was like, eh, 100 miles.

01:10:49.000 That seems like long enough.

01:10:51.000 That's the not-so-great wall.

01:10:52.000 That's a wall.

01:10:53.000 Look how far it goes.

01:10:55.000 That's crazy.

01:10:57.000 Oh, my God.

01:10:58.000 We're looking at a map right now.

01:10:59.000 It's Greater Great Wall.

01:11:01.000 That's what it says?

01:11:02.000 Is that what it says?

01:11:03.000 Yeah.

01:11:03.000 A Greater Great Wall.

01:11:05.000 Extended sections.

01:11:06.000 They're making it bigger.

01:11:07.000 What?

01:11:07.000 Why would they keep building a wall?

01:11:09.000 They do this a lot, where they go, we're going to redo all this stuff.

01:11:13.000 We're going to upkeep it.

01:11:14.000 And they just replace the wood.

01:11:15.000 They replace the stuff.

01:11:16.000 They're just like, as if someone was still living here, we're just going to keep it going.

01:11:20.000 Wow.

01:11:20.000 That's weird.

01:11:21.000 And it shows date built, and then date renovated will be like 45 years ago.

01:11:26.000 Right, but why would they extend it?

01:11:28.000 I don't know.

01:11:28.000 Make it more of a...

01:11:29.000 I don't know.

01:11:30.000 Is it a tourist trap?

01:11:31.000 Is that what it is?

01:11:31.000 They're extending it for...

01:11:33.000 More tourist traps?

01:11:34.000 Yeah.

01:11:34.000 I went outside Beijing...

01:11:37.000 Wow.

01:11:38.000 Jesus.

01:11:39.000 Why else would they do that?

01:11:40.000 It doesn't make any sense.

01:11:42.000 Did you know that South Korea was smooshed up against China like that?

01:11:46.000 Where's...

01:11:46.000 Look at that.

01:11:47.000 Oh.

01:11:48.000 Right over there.

01:11:49.000 Jeez.

01:11:50.000 That's an insane...

01:11:52.000 Look, it's so much bigger than Korea.

01:11:53.000 It's fucking huge!

01:11:55.000 I can't believe the wall was that big.

01:11:57.000 Maybe they just hate Pink Floyd.

01:12:00.000 It's like, don't tell me.

01:12:02.000 No, I'll build it up.

01:12:03.000 I'll build it up.

01:12:04.000 Even years after this is relevant as a defense force.

01:12:07.000 Keep building, fuck you.

01:12:08.000 Did you ever see the renovations they're doing to the Sphinx?

01:12:12.000 No, what are they doing?

01:12:13.000 It's kind of sad.

01:12:14.000 Putting their nose back on?

01:12:15.000 No, they fix up the feet and shit.

01:12:18.000 And they're patching up the body.

01:12:20.000 But they're not really.

01:12:21.000 What they're doing is they're building their own version of it.

01:12:24.000 Oh, really?

01:12:25.000 Yeah, because they're covering over the Sphinx.

01:12:27.000 Like, they're making the feet all smooth.

01:12:30.000 Like, Jamie, pull up.

01:12:30.000 The actual stone has something to it.

01:12:32.000 Yeah, fuck yeah.

01:12:33.000 This is what's been here.

01:12:34.000 Not the design.

01:12:35.000 This is what's been here.

01:12:36.000 This object.

01:12:37.000 It's just a really soft stone, and it's all worn out and shit.

01:12:41.000 It's thousands of years old.

01:12:42.000 Oh, let it fall down.

01:12:43.000 Yeah, no shit, but they don't do that.

01:12:45.000 See how long it lasts on its own.

01:12:46.000 Look at these pictures, because it's kind of gross, because what they're doing is they're making the feet all smooth and shit, and where the paws are was totally irregular.

01:12:55.000 Jamie, let's go to the videotape!

01:12:56.000 I'm trying.

01:12:58.000 Survey says...

01:12:59.000 What do you...

01:13:01.000 I found a page that was an Egyptian...

01:13:02.000 Just look up images.

01:13:04.000 Do a Google search on images.

01:13:05.000 Jamie, instead of failing, why don't you not fail?

01:13:07.000 How about you don't fail, you fucker?

01:13:09.000 See the right-hand corner?

01:13:10.000 That shit is all just renovation.

01:13:13.000 That's not what the feet originally looked like.

01:13:16.000 What is it?

01:13:16.000 What do they go over it?

01:13:17.000 See all those little bricks?

01:13:19.000 Yeah?

01:13:19.000 It was originally carved out of one unique set of stone.

01:13:23.000 Oh, they're just putting new bricks on it.

01:13:24.000 Yes, they're smoothing it all out.

01:13:26.000 It was what's called a yardang.

01:13:28.000 What a yardang is, is something that comes up out of the desert and then they shape it.

01:13:32.000 It's like, it comes up out of the ground, like a rock structure would be a yardang.

01:13:36.000 This is just bricks?

01:13:37.000 Mm-hmm.

01:13:37.000 Exactly.

01:13:38.000 Oh.

01:13:39.000 It's so stupid.

01:13:40.000 See if you can get some other photos of it.

01:13:42.000 You can see the photo.

01:13:42.000 See what it was like before.

01:13:44.000 Yeah, see if there's that.

01:13:46.000 But there's a full image of the Sphinx where you could see it from a distance and you get a real sense of what a travesty that is.

01:13:55.000 What they're doing is really kind of fucked up.

01:14:00.000 It's just too bad.

01:14:01.000 They're making their own shit.

01:14:03.000 Like, those feet are not the original Sphinx feet.

01:14:06.000 They're all smooth and bricks all over them.

01:14:09.000 The rest of the Sphinx used to be, like, everything below the head, all jacked up and fucked up.

01:14:13.000 Sphinx?

01:14:13.000 Why did they make the Sphinx?

01:14:15.000 Ward off some, like, demon or something?

01:14:16.000 No, no, no.

01:14:18.000 Well, the thinking is, rather, that originally it was a lion.

01:14:24.000 And that one of the pharaohs was like, fuck that lion head.

01:14:27.000 Make that shit my head.

01:14:28.000 Ha ha ha ha ha.

01:14:36.000 Wow.

01:14:39.000 Wow.

01:14:49.000 Cleopatra was always depicted that way.

01:14:51.000 Arabic, a little bit.

01:14:53.000 Stacy Dash.

01:14:54.000 Well, they actually look kind of strange.

01:14:56.000 Have you ever seen what Tutankhamen really looked like?

01:14:58.000 A recreation of Tutankhamen?

01:15:00.000 No.

01:15:00.000 Ooh, it's weird.

01:15:02.000 What does it look like?

01:15:02.000 He had a weird head, man.

01:15:04.000 He had an elongated skull.

01:15:07.000 His whole family had elongated skulls.

01:15:10.000 And they had sculptures that were drawn of him.

01:15:13.000 That was a recreation of what he looked like.

01:15:16.000 But that doesn't look as weird as when you see a side profile.

01:15:19.000 He died super young, too.

01:15:21.000 I think he died like 17 or 18 or something.

01:15:25.000 But look at what his skull looks like.

01:15:28.000 Like, they were freaks, man.

01:15:30.000 Damn.

01:15:31.000 Yeah.

01:15:32.000 And I don't remember who his father was.

01:15:35.000 See if you can find out who his father was.

01:15:37.000 I think his father was, I want to say Tut Moses, but I might be wrong.

01:15:40.000 But whoever his father was.

01:15:42.000 Like a chicken from Kids in the Hole.

01:15:45.000 Yeah, Akhenaten.

01:15:46.000 Akhenaten, yeah, that was what it was.

01:15:48.000 And Akhenaten had this very strangely shaped head.

01:15:51.000 And they have these sculptures that were created of Akhenaten.

01:15:54.000 I mean, he looks like a goddamn alien.

01:15:56.000 Look at it.

01:15:57.000 Look at what he looked like.

01:15:59.000 Look at his fucking head.

01:16:00.000 And they don't know whether or not that was a result of headbinding.

01:16:05.000 Oh yeah, maybe it was that.

01:16:06.000 Could be, but it also could be some weird genetic issue that some of those guys had, and that's one of the reasons why they headbound in the first place, to try to recreate that.

01:16:19.000 That it might have been...

01:16:19.000 Oh, right.

01:16:20.000 You know, like, some people have, like, strange lips.

01:16:22.000 Some people have big jaws.

01:16:23.000 Some people have, you know...

01:16:24.000 They might have just naturally had weird-shaped heads, and they became bad motherfuckers, and then they all interbred.

01:16:31.000 There was a lot of that going on.

01:16:33.000 Royal blood, fucking other royal blood.

01:16:34.000 Some player at Florida State had a head like that.

01:16:36.000 Bob Soura, maybe.

01:16:37.000 That way?

01:16:38.000 Yeah, it was all weird in the back.

01:16:39.000 It looked like the alien from Enemy Mind.

01:16:42.000 See if you can pull up a picture.

01:16:42.000 Look at that head.

01:16:43.000 Hold on.

01:16:43.000 Was that...

01:16:43.000 That's the skull of...

01:16:44.000 That's his real head?

01:16:45.000 Cotton.

01:16:46.000 Cotton.

01:16:46.000 Wow.

01:16:47.000 It's good to come.

01:16:47.000 Cotton.

01:16:49.000 That's Tutankhamen.

01:16:50.000 Is that Tutankhamen or Akhenaten?

01:16:52.000 The JPEG says it's Akhenaten.

01:16:54.000 Hmm.

01:16:55.000 Was Tutankhamen Akhenaten?

01:16:57.000 Not the same guy.

01:16:58.000 No.

01:16:59.000 That's a crazy fucking head, though.

01:17:00.000 Look at his head.

01:17:01.000 It's like an extra three inches wide.

01:17:02.000 Or long, rather.

01:17:03.000 Stop right there.

01:17:04.000 So strange.

01:17:06.000 So who is the dude?

01:17:08.000 No, it wasn't Bob Sur.

01:17:09.000 It was a black one.

01:17:10.000 Black Bob Sur's head.

01:17:12.000 No, it wasn't.

01:17:13.000 It was this black player that he played with at Florida State that went to the pros afterwards and he shaved his head.

01:17:18.000 Fuck, I forgot where he played.

01:17:19.000 And he had a crazy shaped head?

01:17:20.000 Crazy shaped head.

01:17:21.000 What would you do if you had a crazy shaped head and you had your head shaved?

01:17:23.000 Not shave my head.

01:17:24.000 But what if you had to?

01:17:25.000 What if you're a black guy and you're going bald?

01:17:26.000 Black guys can't rock like the side, like, you know.

01:17:30.000 Yeah.

01:17:31.000 Doesn't, you know, you can't have side hair and bald on top.

01:17:33.000 It looks goofy.

01:17:35.000 It doesn't look good.

01:17:36.000 Yeah.

01:17:37.000 What do you do?

01:17:38.000 I don't know.

01:17:38.000 Do you think they do something about that?

01:17:40.000 They put, like, implants in there to shape the back of your head better?

01:17:43.000 No.

01:17:44.000 Well, think about all the shit that they do do.

01:17:46.000 Think about all the shit they do for, like, the...

01:17:48.000 Straighten their hair.

01:17:49.000 I read an article recently about South Korea.

01:17:51.000 Yeah.

01:17:52.000 And the thing about South Korea...

01:17:53.000 Eyeballs?

01:17:53.000 Oh, my God.

01:17:54.000 It's crazy.

01:17:55.000 It's so common.

01:17:57.000 Yeah, they do it in China too.

01:17:58.000 Girls are getting their eyeballs done.

01:18:00.000 It's like a rite of passage.

01:18:01.000 You gotta cut them so you can have an over lip on your eyebrows, on your eyelashes, whatever that's called.

01:18:07.000 An over lip?

01:18:08.000 It's like ours fold over.

01:18:10.000 Oh yeah.

01:18:11.000 Theirs don't fold over.

01:18:12.000 Oh shit.

01:18:13.000 So they want to get them to look like they fold over.

01:18:15.000 So they get the surgery.

01:18:16.000 What do they look like with their eyes closed?

01:18:19.000 I think normal with her eyes closed.

01:18:20.000 And then when it's up, there's no lip.

01:18:23.000 You know how it folds over on the top?

01:18:24.000 Yeah.

01:18:26.000 In South Korea...

01:18:27.000 I think Bobby's mom got that surgery.

01:18:29.000 Bobby Lee?

01:18:29.000 Yeah, she's Korean.

01:18:30.000 Boom.

01:18:31.000 Boom, that proves it.

01:18:32.000 Why doesn't Bobby get it done?

01:18:33.000 How weird would that be if all of a sudden Bobby Lee had these crazy...

01:18:36.000 Like what?

01:18:37.000 Weird eyes?

01:18:38.000 Your eyes don't belong on you.

01:18:40.000 Sam Cassell!

01:18:41.000 That's it!

01:18:42.000 Pull up Sam Cassell!

01:18:43.000 Sam Cassell's head?

01:18:44.000 Yeah!

01:18:46.000 See the one that won a Heisman and still played basketball?

01:18:48.000 That was Charlie Ward.

01:18:49.000 Put up Sam Cassell's head.

01:18:51.000 Yeah, side angle of Cassell.

01:18:52.000 Look at this shit.

01:18:56.000 Yeah, it gets rid of their things.

01:18:58.000 Before and after.

01:19:00.000 Let me see.

01:19:00.000 Pull up a picture of that dude's face.

01:19:02.000 Or a head, rather.

01:19:04.000 It's hard to tell in that picture.

01:19:06.000 Did you pull up Sam Cassell's head?

01:19:10.000 Yeah, do a Google search, son.

01:19:12.000 Learn how to internet.

01:19:13.000 Isn't this ridiculous?

01:19:16.000 Yeah.

01:19:17.000 Did an amazing job.

01:19:18.000 With her whole face.

01:19:19.000 Yeah.

01:19:19.000 Everything about her face was different.

01:19:21.000 Well, yeah.

01:19:22.000 I mean, she became super hot.

01:19:24.000 Oh.

01:19:25.000 So I guess it's worth it.

01:19:26.000 It's like one of the rare instances where some of these...

01:19:29.000 She has George Muir's own head.

01:19:31.000 Like, it's super effective.

01:19:32.000 Some of these girls...

01:19:34.000 You gotta get a little more back, but that still looks at the start of it.

01:19:37.000 That's pretty Akhenaten.

01:19:38.000 Yeah.

01:19:39.000 That's pretty nuts.

01:19:40.000 Sam Cassell.

01:19:42.000 That's a weird fucking head, man.

01:19:44.000 That was a weird head, son.

01:19:46.000 Look at this one.

01:19:48.000 Want to see a crazy one?

01:19:49.000 Yeah.

01:19:49.000 Look at this South Korean transformation.

01:19:51.000 I mean, this is...

01:19:52.000 Look at this.

01:19:53.000 I thought you were showing me that.

01:19:55.000 Look at this.

01:19:55.000 Wow.

01:19:56.000 Wow.

01:19:57.000 She went to what?

01:19:58.000 To wow.

01:19:59.000 Yeah, look at that.

01:19:59.000 What?

01:20:01.000 That's crazy.

01:20:02.000 Pull up some...

01:20:03.000 She looks like an old lady.

01:20:04.000 I know.

01:20:04.000 And then she looks like an amazing 24-year-old.

01:20:06.000 Yep.

01:20:07.000 She looked disgusting and then hot.

01:20:10.000 And it's clearly, if you see the jawline, it's clearly the same woman.

01:20:13.000 They must have done a lot of shit on her.

01:20:15.000 Look up South Korea eye surgery and you can see that image.

01:20:19.000 There's a bunch of them, man.

01:20:21.000 It's super common.

01:20:23.000 What's it called?

01:20:23.000 There's a phrase for it.

01:20:26.000 Sakapult?

01:20:26.000 I don't know.

01:20:27.000 That's a good question.

01:20:29.000 Wow.

01:20:29.000 Whoa, that's nuts.

01:20:31.000 She got rid of her chin.

01:20:32.000 She's a dime.

01:20:34.000 Know how to use the word dime?

01:20:35.000 Like I'm a black man?

01:20:36.000 Yeah, like you talked to Ian Edwards.

01:20:37.000 Ian, I'm a dime, son!

01:20:39.000 She looks like she has Down syndrome in the first one.

01:20:41.000 And then she looks gorgeous.

01:20:42.000 Yeah.

01:20:43.000 She looks like Down syndrome.

01:20:45.000 Wow.

01:20:45.000 Yeah, there's a whole website dedicated.

01:20:47.000 It's called 30 Startling Before and After South Korean Plastic Surgery Pictures.

01:20:52.000 Wow.

01:20:53.000 It's like an advertisement for plastic surgery.

01:20:56.000 I guess that's why it's so common.

01:20:57.000 Look at that.

01:20:58.000 Look at that one.

01:20:59.000 Wow.

01:21:00.000 Because it works.

01:21:01.000 Changed your life.

01:21:02.000 Yeah, really.

01:21:03.000 I mean, all of a sudden.

01:21:04.000 Did you hear about that one guy who sued his wife because his kids were ugly?

01:21:09.000 It turned out that she had gotten plastic surgery.

01:21:12.000 Wow.

01:21:13.000 That's rude.

01:21:14.000 I think he won, too.

01:21:16.000 Yeah.

01:21:17.000 Hold on.

01:21:18.000 Man sues wife because kids were ugly.

01:21:20.000 Yeah.

01:21:25.000 Yeah, we're ugly.

01:21:26.000 Oh wow, the dudes look good too.

01:21:28.000 Whoa.

01:21:31.000 Yeah, he looks a lot better.

01:21:33.000 Holy shit.

01:21:34.000 That's incredible.

01:21:36.000 Man successfully sues wife over ugly children.

01:21:40.000 Successfully?

01:21:40.000 What country?

01:21:41.000 America?

01:21:41.000 Fuck no, son.

01:21:43.000 Okay.

01:21:43.000 Please.

01:21:44.000 Spain?

01:21:44.000 A Chinese man divorced his wife and sued her for giving birth to what he called extremely ugly baby girl.

01:21:52.000 At first, he thought his wife had cheated on him because there was no way a good-looking guy like him could have or even produce such an unattractive thing.

01:22:00.000 Is that a real article?

01:22:01.000 Yeah, it's the same lady.

01:22:02.000 That was the image, actually.

01:22:04.000 It was her.

01:22:06.000 That was her.

01:22:07.000 What's that from?

01:22:08.000 Arabia.msn.

01:22:10.000 It was MSN. And then they showed the image of the chick and then the image of the kids and the image of the woman.

01:22:15.000 She was stupid hot at the end.

01:22:17.000 Look at how hot she was.

01:22:19.000 She's there with him.

01:22:20.000 So he thought he had, like, the super hottie.

01:22:23.000 Golly.

01:22:23.000 Oh, look at those ugly kids.

01:22:24.000 Look at those fucking ugly kids.

01:22:25.000 Their mouths go down.

01:22:26.000 Oh, they're fucking kids.

01:22:28.000 Oh.

01:22:28.000 How rude.

01:22:29.000 Can't he take them in for a little chop and snip?

01:22:31.000 Hell yeah.

01:22:32.000 Can't do it to babies, though.

01:22:34.000 Oh, because they'll grow out of it.

01:22:35.000 They'll fuck them up.

01:22:36.000 Imagine a nightmare.

01:22:37.000 What an asshole you'd have to be to give plastic surgery to a baby.

01:22:40.000 Look at this fat little son.

01:22:42.000 Isn't that weird, man?

01:22:44.000 That's so weird that people are doing that.

01:22:46.000 They're doing it so much that it's changing the way they envision a woman should look.

01:22:54.000 So much so that it's super, super common.

01:22:58.000 Super common.

01:22:59.000 Weird, right?

01:23:02.000 Yeah.

01:23:03.000 It's just a strange thing.

01:23:05.000 And so oddly effective, too.

01:23:08.000 South Korea now has the highest number of surgeries performed per capita, overtaking Brazil as the plastic surgery capital of the world.

01:23:16.000 Brazil's all ass implants.

01:23:17.000 No, they don't need any of them.

01:23:19.000 Ass reductions?

01:23:20.000 Probably.

01:23:21.000 South Korean women have become so immersed in Western celebrity culture that double eyelid surgery, that's what it's called, which creates the Caucasian crease many Asians don't naturally have, has become as common as going to the dentist.

01:23:35.000 Wow.

01:23:36.000 Okay, I gotta go to sleep.

01:23:37.000 That's as common as going to the dentist.

01:23:40.000 Think about that.

01:23:40.000 I want you to jerk off and think about plastic surgery in South Korea.

01:23:45.000 Meanwhile, the doctor that does it...

01:23:47.000 Yeah.

01:23:48.000 Asian as fuck looking.

01:23:50.000 Yeah.

01:23:50.000 Can't do it to himself.

01:23:51.000 Nope.

01:23:52.000 He's not interested.

01:23:53.000 Doesn't trust anyone else with lesser talent than him.

01:23:54.000 He's like, this is stupid.

01:23:55.000 These people are crazy.

01:23:57.000 There's no reason for it.

01:23:58.000 I can do beautifully.

01:23:59.000 I'll take that money and blend in.

01:24:00.000 Debunked!

01:24:00.000 It's debunked?

01:24:01.000 Probably false.

01:24:03.000 It rang untrue to me.

01:24:04.000 I don't like it.

01:24:06.000 I don't like it.

01:24:07.000 It's probably false.

01:24:07.000 I feel like I just got ripped off.

01:24:09.000 What did you get that from?

01:24:11.000 What debunked it?

01:24:11.000 The way he was quoting too casually.

01:24:14.000 I'm in a way with a good looking man like me.

01:24:16.000 Eh, probably you're right.

01:24:17.000 Damn it.

01:24:19.000 Motherfuckers.

01:24:20.000 Ari Shafir, where can the ladies and gentlemen see you doing your stand-up?

01:24:24.000 Well, I'll be in Calgary in September, middle of September at Yuck Yucks, and I guess I'll be in Chicago.

01:24:31.000 Calgary, Yuck Yucks, I heard.

01:24:32.000 For one date on 26th.

01:24:34.000 Calgary's fun, dude.

01:24:35.000 Oh yeah, it's great.

01:24:36.000 Didn't you do Calgary with me?

01:24:38.000 A few times, a few times.

01:24:39.000 Fun times.

01:24:40.000 I saw your rye's there.

01:24:41.000 Those are fucking animals.

01:24:42.000 My rye's?

01:24:43.000 Yeah.

01:24:44.000 It's been like two years.

01:24:47.000 You sold out, but you had trouble selling out that place.

01:24:49.000 And next year, no press, sold out two shows.

01:24:52.000 Oh, that's right.

01:24:53.000 That's right.

01:24:53.000 Two years later.

01:24:53.000 Were there those people behind us?

01:24:55.000 Remember?

01:24:55.000 Jack Singer?

01:24:56.000 Jack Singer, yeah.

01:24:57.000 That was crazy.

01:24:58.000 There was people behind us, remember?

01:24:59.000 Like, they were up above.

01:25:01.000 Oh, yeah.

01:25:01.000 They turned around and waved to them.

01:25:03.000 Like, alright.

01:25:04.000 Was that there?

01:25:04.000 Was that that one?

01:25:05.000 Yeah.

01:25:05.000 That was also the place where they oversold it and they didn't know what to do.

01:25:08.000 So they put seats on the stage.

01:25:11.000 On the stage.

01:25:12.000 Yeah, that's what I mean.

01:25:12.000 You remember?

01:25:13.000 Yeah.

01:25:13.000 Like the giant stage.

01:25:15.000 We don't need all that room.

01:25:15.000 But they were going to not do it.

01:25:17.000 They were going to give those people their money back and send them home.

01:25:19.000 And so I said, well, you know, that's okay.

01:25:24.000 If you want to seat them on the stage, you can seat them on the stage.

01:25:27.000 And so there was like a powwow and a meeting.

01:25:29.000 And they go, okay, we're going to put seats on the stage.

01:25:31.000 They just ran out chairs out there.

01:25:32.000 And there was like 200 fucking people on the stage.

01:25:34.000 Good Canadian unions.

01:25:35.000 They fucking got that shit set up in no time.

01:25:36.000 How many people were on the stage?

01:25:37.000 There was a lot of goddamn people on the stage.

01:25:38.000 There was at least 150, maybe 200. There was madness.

01:25:41.000 On the stage.

01:25:42.000 That was fun, man.

01:25:43.000 Calgary's good.

01:25:44.000 Those towns like Edmonton, Calgary, there's a lot of oil money.

01:25:48.000 Those fucking folks have a lot of oil money.

01:25:49.000 They know how to party.

01:25:50.000 And they party.

01:25:51.000 They party hard.

01:25:52.000 They go hard.

01:25:53.000 Yeah.

01:25:54.000 We did Lloydminster.

01:25:57.000 Lloydminster's like a mining town.

01:25:58.000 Really?

01:25:59.000 Hours from Edmonton.

01:26:00.000 That's cool.

01:26:01.000 Yeah, it's like they look at Edmonton like, oh, look at him up in the city.

01:26:04.000 Yeah.

01:26:06.000 We did a show in a hockey rink.

01:26:09.000 Really?

01:26:10.000 Yeah.

01:26:10.000 Callan, Tony Hinchcliffe, and me.

01:26:12.000 In a hockey rink in Lloydminster.

01:26:13.000 Had a great fucking time.

01:26:15.000 Sound system was kind of dog shit.

01:26:16.000 It threw me off a little bit.

01:26:18.000 Yeah.

01:26:18.000 It was tough, because it was echoing a lot, and I was on the side when Callan was on stage.

01:26:23.000 So you could hear it not being clear.

01:26:24.000 I couldn't hear him.

01:26:24.000 Damn.

01:26:25.000 I was on the side, and I could barely understand what he was saying, and I knew his act.

01:26:28.000 Man, sound matters.

01:26:29.000 The people in front got it good.

01:26:30.000 Fuck yeah, it matters.

01:26:31.000 People want to be like, no, the crowd's here to have a good time.

01:26:33.000 I know, and you're not making them have as good a time.

01:26:35.000 As good a time as they could.

01:26:37.000 All they had to do was set it up a little bit better.

01:26:39.000 Put speakers in some different areas.

01:26:40.000 But now we know.

01:26:41.000 They don't do shows up there.

01:26:42.000 Yeah, it's a thing.

01:26:43.000 They're trying to figure it out.

01:26:44.000 Yeah.

01:26:45.000 You met Harvey, the promoter guy?

01:26:47.000 Yeah, I met Harvey.

01:26:47.000 He's a good dude.

01:26:48.000 So we did it up there with him.

01:26:50.000 All right.

01:26:50.000 This fucking show's over, Ari Shafir.

01:26:52.000 This is the second of two podcasts we did today.

01:26:55.000 It's nice seeing you again, man.

01:26:56.000 It's great to see you always, brother.

01:26:57.000 Hey, I sold that couch, so we gotta go to dinner sometime soon.

01:27:00.000 Ha ha ha!

01:27:01.000 The original couch from the original Joe Rogan Experience podcast, I gave it to Ari years ago.

01:27:07.000 He kept it in his apartment.

01:27:08.000 It was great.

01:27:08.000 It was the nicest thing in my apartment for five years easy.

01:27:12.000 Very nice couch.

01:27:14.000 Yeah.

01:27:14.000 And so then some dude bought it.

01:27:16.000 Yeah.

01:27:17.000 How much you got for that fucking thing?

01:27:19.000 540 bucks or something.

01:27:20.000 Holy shit.

01:27:20.000 We're going to a nice place.

01:27:21.000 Yeah, eBay.

01:27:22.000 Dude, let's go to like Morton's.

01:27:23.000 Yeah, something really nice.

01:27:24.000 Have a steak and a glass of wine like gentlemen.

01:27:26.000 Yeah.

01:27:27.000 All right, let's do it.

01:27:28.000 Follow Ari on Twitter, Ari Shafir, A-R-I-S-H-A-F-F-I-R. And you can also get his stand-up comedy.

01:27:37.000 You have two stand-up comedy CDs that are available, two comedy specials that are available.

01:27:42.000 No, I have one.

01:27:43.000 Now, Chill went down, so I guess Comedy Central is going to buy it and put it up.

01:27:46.000 What went down?

01:27:47.000 Chill, the website that did mine and Maria's and Proops's.

01:27:50.000 So you can't buy it anywhere now?

01:27:51.000 Can't buy it right now.

01:27:51.000 What?

01:27:52.000 Yeah.

01:27:53.000 So Revenge for the Holocaust is still out.

01:27:55.000 But there are illegal downloads that you can find.

01:27:57.000 Oh, good.

01:27:57.000 If you go to Views Player and put in Passive Aggressive, Ari Shaffir, you can probably find a seed for it.

01:28:03.000 But Revenge for the Holocaust is still out.

01:28:05.000 That's out, yes.

01:28:06.000 That's out.

01:28:07.000 And the other one is not out.

01:28:08.000 Not out.

01:28:09.000 God damn.

01:28:10.000 Yeah.

01:28:11.000 Passive Aggressive is just out there in the ether somewhere.

01:28:13.000 We're getting it up.

01:28:14.000 But right now, they got the green light.

01:28:16.000 Yeah.

01:28:16.000 To hit the torrents.

01:28:17.000 Yeah.

01:28:18.000 Oh, absolutely.

01:28:18.000 Beautiful green light.

01:28:19.000 Powerful green light.

01:28:20.000 Oh, and I have a storyteller show on Monday at Union Hall, but there's only like 40 seats.

01:28:24.000 New York?

01:28:25.000 Yeah, New York.

01:28:26.000 Oh, beautiful.

01:28:26.000 Miss Pat's doing it.

01:28:27.000 Oh, shit.

01:28:28.000 Miss Pat's going to be on the podcast.

01:28:29.000 Oh, you're going to love her.

01:28:30.000 Yeah.

01:28:31.000 You're going to love her.

01:28:31.000 I keep hearing that, man.

01:28:32.000 She's going to be on the podcast on, I think...

01:28:35.000 She's such a nice, warm...

01:28:36.000 29th.

01:28:37.000 Tuesday of 29th.

01:28:38.000 Really?

01:28:38.000 Yeah, July 29th.

01:28:40.000 Awesome.

01:28:40.000 Alright, you dirty fucks.

01:28:42.000 We love the shit out of you.

01:28:43.000 We appreciate you very much.

01:28:44.000 And I appreciate it even more after being gone for a week.

01:28:48.000 I enjoyed this.

01:28:49.000 This is an awesome day.

01:28:51.000 Alright, we'll be back tomorrow with the dude from Unbox Therapy and lots of podcasts coming up.

01:28:58.000 Fight Companion on Saturday.

01:28:59.000 Brendan Schaub and me.

01:29:01.000 Gonna watch the fights together.

01:29:02.000 Alright, much love.

01:29:03.000 Big kiss.

01:29:04.000 See you soon.

01:29:05.000 Oh, and my sponsors are awesome.

The Joe Rogan Experience - June 27, 2014

Joe Rogan Experience #515 - Ari Shaffir (Part 2)

Summary

Transcript