The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #527

00:00:02.000 Good lord, brothers and sisters of the universe.

00:00:04.000 We're back.

00:00:05.000 We're back once again.

00:00:07.000 This podcast is supported by many fine sponsors.

00:00:10.000 Let's get into them right quick.

00:00:12.000 Number one, first and foremost, we're brought to you by Onnit.

00:00:15.000 Onnit, O-N-N-I-T, is a human optimization website.

00:00:19.000 It is a website that has evolved and grown from the birth of this podcast.

00:00:25.000 It essentially caused the business to form.

00:00:28.000 What it's about is selling what we deem to be items that enhance human performance.

00:00:36.000 Enhance your physical performance, your mental performance, enhance your mood, give you healthy choices as far as things to put into your body, and strength and conditioning equipment.

00:00:46.000 We sell kettlebells and steel maces and ab wheels.

00:00:51.000 Medicine balls, all these different things like weight vests, things that really enhance functional strength.

00:00:56.000 If you've never done kettlebells before, there's a fantastic series of videos that are available at Onnit.com.

00:01:03.000 And if you've done it a few times and you understand the form, the best one is...

00:01:08.000 Keith Weber's Extreme Kettlebell Cardio Workouts.

00:01:11.000 They're fantastic.

00:01:12.000 There's a lot of kettlebell DVDs that'll show you how to do the individual exercises, but they don't do the workout with you and make you keep up with them.

00:01:19.000 I just actually have been going back and forth with Keith Weber, so he's going to be on the podcast in October.

00:01:25.000 I'm very excited about that.

00:01:27.000 I really want to talk to him because his workout DVDs are, like I said, my favorite.

00:01:31.000 If you're thinking about doing anything like this, please start slow.

00:01:34.000 If you've never worked out and you smoke cigarettes and you're always drunk, do me a favor.

00:01:38.000 Please start slow.

00:01:39.000 Don't be dropping a fucking big 72-pound gorilla kettlebell in your head because you're getting crazy and you're trying to do it all in one day.

00:01:45.000 It takes time.

00:01:46.000 Go to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T. Use the code WORDROGAN and save 10% off any and all supplements.

00:01:53.000 And this just in, we just got in, and we're drinking it now.

00:01:56.000 Onnit Caveman Coffee.

00:01:58.000 This is, our friend Keith Jardine and Tate have created this company called Caveman Coffee because they're both fucking cavemen.

00:02:05.000 And they have a relationship with a guy who grows coffee in Colombia.

00:02:10.000 His family grows coffee and they go direct to.

00:02:13.000 It's a single source farm.

00:02:16.000 So it's kind of interesting.

00:02:17.000 Just by happenstance, because Tate is a big coffee fanatic.

00:02:23.000 Always has been.

00:02:24.000 That dude, ever since we met him, he wouldn't go anywhere without a venti Starbucks in his hand.

00:02:30.000 Yeah, he quit alcohol and drugs and went right to coffee.

00:02:32.000 Well, that happens, man.

00:02:34.000 Those dudes that are on the program, they're in like a 12-step program, they love their coffee.

00:02:39.000 Because it gives you a little bit of a buzz, but nobody has to get crazy.

00:02:42.000 And so you satisfy a little bit of those demons and keep everything cool.

00:02:45.000 You're giving yourself a little something-something, but it's not fucking you up.

00:02:49.000 So those guys love coffee.

00:02:51.000 It's very rare you see like an Alcoholics Anonymous dude who, although you're not anonymous if you tell everybody you're sober, by the way.

00:02:57.000 Right.

00:02:57.000 I wonder, do these people also move on to other things, like sniffing markers?

00:03:02.000 No, you can't do anything like that.

00:03:04.000 You're not supposed to do anything that's, you know, what would be the word for it?

00:03:08.000 Twisted?

00:03:09.000 You know, anything where you're feeding some demons of addiction.

00:03:12.000 Isn't that what caffeine is, though, kind of?

00:03:14.000 No, because all those guys are addicted to Red Bulls and coffees.

00:03:15.000 Yeah, but that's not markers.

00:03:17.000 That's not like huffing paint.

00:03:18.000 Yeah, I guess.

00:03:19.000 Which one's more dangerous?

00:03:20.000 Oh, without a doubt.

00:03:22.000 Coffee is actually good for you.

00:03:26.000 What about sniffing Play-Doh?

00:03:27.000 And people who deny this, listen, you have to read some articles on this.

00:03:31.000 It appears that coffee has a lot of functions, a lot of benefits.

00:03:36.000 You know what it is?

00:03:37.000 It's like every fucking thing else.

00:03:40.000 You can overdo it.

00:03:41.000 You can overdo it.

00:03:42.000 You could drink coffee all fucking day, every day, and just torture your adrenals.

00:03:46.000 Just jack your system.

00:03:47.000 Or you can have a little bit of it every day.

00:03:50.000 It gives you a stimulant effect.

00:03:53.000 On top of that, it's rich in antioxidants.

00:03:56.000 There's a lot of good things about coffee, believe it or not.

00:03:58.000 It's actually not bad for you.

00:03:59.000 We used to think it was bad for you.

00:04:01.000 What's bad for you is dehydration.

00:04:03.000 But if you drink coffee and you still drink water and keep yourself in order, just don't.

00:04:07.000 Don't get crazy, bitches.

00:04:08.000 Anyway, go to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T. Use the code word ROGAN and save 10% off any and all supplements.

00:04:15.000 We are also brought to you by NatureBox.

00:04:18.000 Oh, and Miss Pat is eating some NatureBox right now, and she can attest to the yumminess of this product.

00:04:23.000 These nuts are good.

00:04:25.000 They're very good.

00:04:26.000 Everything's good.

00:04:27.000 The whole deal.

00:04:28.000 And they natural nuts, too, so...

00:04:31.000 Mango, almond, pistachios, kapow!

00:04:34.000 These are lemon pluckers, pistachios.

00:04:36.000 Yeah, they're mango almond bites.

00:04:39.000 That's what they are.

00:04:40.000 I'm eating these.

00:04:41.000 These are fucking delicious.

00:04:42.000 But the best is shiracha cashews.

00:04:44.000 Nothing can fuck with them.

00:04:45.000 They're all gone.

00:04:46.000 I need to just have them send me boxes of shiracha cashews.

00:04:48.000 If they're listening, can I have one request?

00:04:53.000 I just want to order four packs of the cashews, but it won't let you.

00:04:57.000 It won't let you order four?

00:04:58.000 Yeah, like, I want to be able to, and it gives you, like, a stopping point where you can only order, like, three extra snacks, and then, like, you can only order a total of, I think it's, like, ten snacks.

00:05:09.000 We'll have to move into that, but let's not focus on negatives.

00:05:12.000 No, no, no, I'm just saying, because I use my box so fast, I just want to order more.

00:05:16.000 Yeah, well, order more boxes?

00:05:18.000 I don't know what to say.

00:05:18.000 I don't know.

00:05:19.000 I haven't noticed that.

00:05:20.000 That's fucked up, though.

00:05:21.000 You should be able to order like 50 boxes of just sriracha cashews only.

00:05:25.000 Yeah, and I want it once a week.

00:05:26.000 Can I have it once a week?

00:05:27.000 It won't do it once a week?

00:05:28.000 Unless it's really confusing to do that, you think they would want to add it.

00:05:31.000 You gotta check this before you say it in an ad that you can't do it.

00:05:34.000 I've tried it a million times.

00:05:35.000 They won't let you order one a week.

00:05:37.000 Yeah.

00:05:37.000 Why do I have a feeling that we're going to find out it's really easy to order one a week?

00:05:41.000 It might be, but I've tried.

00:05:42.000 Okay.

00:05:43.000 Somebody trying to keep it from being fat.

00:05:45.000 Anyway, is very good.

00:05:47.000 Maybe they love you.

00:05:48.000 It's really good.

00:05:50.000 The problem is that you can't get enough.

00:05:52.000 Exactly.

00:05:53.000 Mine goes through in three days, and that's with the total addition.

00:05:55.000 You should go to a supermarket and get actual food, you fuckhead.

00:05:59.000 I've been actually living off of this.

00:06:01.000 You can't.

00:06:02.000 There's not enough calories.

00:06:04.000 You need more, otherwise you go retarded.

00:06:06.000 Big cheddar potato fries.

00:06:08.000 That might be what your problem is, man.

00:06:09.000 You're just not getting enough nutrients.

00:06:11.000 I just can't leave the house.

00:06:12.000 That too.

00:06:13.000 Anyway, they're delicious.

00:06:15.000 Zero trans fats.

00:06:16.000 Zero high fructose corn syrup.

00:06:18.000 And you can get snacks that are low in sugar, non-GMO, and without gluten.

00:06:23.000 And they ship for free.

00:06:24.000 It's good shit, man.

00:06:25.000 It's really good stuff.

00:06:26.000 Peanut butter and nom-noms are really good.

00:06:27.000 You ever have those?

00:06:28.000 Yeah.

00:06:29.000 Baked sweet potato fries.

00:06:30.000 A lot of healthy choices, too.

00:06:32.000 A lot of choices where you don't feel bad eating them at all.

00:06:34.000 And it's so much better than the shit that you're going to get from any vending machine, period.

00:06:39.000 So if you keep them at work, it's a fantastic option.

00:06:42.000 You know, you'll always have healthy snacks.

00:06:44.000 And they deliver them to you.

00:06:45.000 So if you're like Brian and you don't like leaving the house, they just bring them to you.

00:06:48.000 And if you go to naturebox.com right now, you're going to get 50% off your first box.

00:06:54.000 Just go to naturebox.com slash junk.

00:06:56.000 Rogan.

00:06:58.000 So naturebox.com slash Rogan.

00:07:00.000 And you'll get 50% off your month's first box.

00:07:04.000 Stay full, stay strong, my friends.

00:07:07.000 Go to naturebox.com slash Rogan.

00:07:10.000 Chili lime pistachios.

00:07:11.000 Oh, those are good, too.

00:07:12.000 That's so good.

00:07:13.000 But I tell you what, I have a grievance with them, too, then.

00:07:15.000 Because there's a supermarket near my house that sells pistachios out of the shelves.

00:07:20.000 And once you eat pistachios out of the shells, you're like, why are you giving me these stupid fucking shells and pretending this is a big bag of pistachios?

00:07:26.000 No, this is a big bag of shit I can't eat that you expect me to take out before I eat.

00:07:31.000 How about you just give me the fucking pistachios?

00:07:34.000 I have shells all over my bed.

00:07:35.000 The shells is because you're supposed to suck the nuts.

00:07:38.000 Suck it before you eat it?

00:07:39.000 It's overrated.

00:07:41.000 It's like a crawfish.

00:07:43.000 But it's really good.

00:07:44.000 I've been sucking on these.

00:07:45.000 Those are good.

00:07:46.000 Those are delicious.

00:07:47.000 Don't get me wrong.

00:07:48.000 I'll take them over nothing.

00:07:50.000 However, the best option is when they're already out of the shell.

00:07:54.000 Then you just eat the shit out of them.

00:07:55.000 You can't believe how many pistachios you get in your fucking face.

00:07:58.000 They cause more.

00:08:00.000 Yeah, they definitely cost more.

00:08:02.000 But it's just, it's one of those things that we've just become accustomed to.

00:08:06.000 It's stupid that you've got a shell on that.

00:08:07.000 The shell's not helping anybody.

00:08:08.000 Nature Bucks should have a nature bucket of just these roasted, like sriracha, roasted cashews.

00:08:14.000 I will pay $40 a month if I get a bucket of these.

00:08:17.000 Like a Kentucky Fried Chicken-sized bucket?

00:08:20.000 Nature bucket.

00:08:22.000 Anyway, NatureBox.com slash Rogan.

00:08:24.000 Go there.

00:08:25.000 Enjoy.

00:08:25.000 And last and finally, we're brought to you by Stamps.com.

00:08:29.000 Stamps.com is another awesome way to stay inside your house.

00:08:33.000 That's what we're promoting, ladies and gentlemen.

00:08:34.000 Essentially, we just want you to stay home.

00:08:37.000 And consume internet content and lose your fucking mind.

00:08:40.000 But if you go to stamps.com and click on the microphone and enter in the code word JRE, you will get a $110 bonus offer, which includes a digital scale and up to $55 worth of free postage.

00:08:57.000 What Stamps.com is is a way where you can print from your own computer U.S. postage.

00:09:05.000 The real deal.

00:09:07.000 You never have to go to a post office again.

00:09:09.000 If you have your own business like Brian does at deskwad.tv where he sells all those cool kitty cat t-shirts and now hats.

00:09:16.000 See those hats?

00:09:17.000 All kinds of groovy shit.

00:09:19.000 Hoodies, right?

00:09:20.000 You have hoodies now?

00:09:20.000 Yeah, I was up till 5am shipping these from Stamps.com.

00:09:23.000 Yeah, he really does have a legit job with Stamps.com.

00:09:28.000 And what they do is, you know, they have it so that you do everything on your computer, you print it up with your printer, you slap those babies on your boxes, and you send them out.

00:09:36.000 How much easier is it than going to the supermarket?

00:09:40.000 So easy.

00:09:41.000 I couldn't even fit it in my car, what I have to do.

00:09:44.000 I would have to take four trips to the post office now.

00:09:47.000 I could just do it on stamps.com, then have the mailman just pick it up.

00:09:51.000 If you were less, or if you were just slightly more organized, you could have an actual business with all these shirts.

00:09:57.000 Right.

00:09:57.000 You have to do it by yourself, and it's almost like I'm watching one of those old-time wagon wheels going down a hill, and I'm like, yeah, it's rolling right now, but how long does it get to be before that fucking thing hits a rock?

00:10:10.000 If you look at my house right now, because I moved all the merch to my house now, and I'm doing it all from my living room, it looks like I'm a psycho, and it looks like my bed is just fucking the pistachio shells, and in my living room it's just boxes, shirts, and like...

00:10:25.000 Yeah, it's time to hire employees, man.

00:10:27.000 It's time to hire employees.

00:10:28.000 Take this shit to the next level.

00:10:30.000 How dare you?

00:10:32.000 Without Stamps.com, he would be dead.

00:10:34.000 There would be no time for him to eat, breathe, or drink water, and he would have died long ago.

00:10:38.000 But with Stamps.com, Brian has been able to maintain a healthy business.

00:10:42.000 Anyway, go to Stamps.com.

00:10:44.000 Again, enter in the code word JRE, and you will get a free digital scale and up to $55 worth of free postage.

00:10:50.000 If you have an idea in your head and you're thinking about starting a business...

00:10:54.000 If you actually do it, it will make your life infinitely better.

00:10:58.000 If you could figure out a way to get off the tit of whatever giant company you work for that doesn't give a fuck about you and replace you with somebody else in a heartbeat and figure out something you like to do, man.

00:11:10.000 Like if you like to make fucking corncob pipes or something.

00:11:13.000 If you like to...

00:11:14.000 You know, whatever you like to do.

00:11:16.000 There's a way that someone can sell things online that just didn't exist before.

00:11:21.000 And maybe it's just something you never considered, but brainstorm.

00:11:25.000 Seriously, brainstorm.

00:11:26.000 Come up with a business you could start yourself.

00:11:28.000 You could do it with Squarespace and Stamps.com and you would be just set.

00:11:34.000 You could actually work for yourself.

00:11:36.000 And you'll get to a point where you'll feel comfortable enough to quit that janky-ass fucking job that's been weighing down your soul.

00:11:43.000 And it doesn't even have to be a job.

00:11:44.000 One of the weirdest things is that I never used the post office because it was such a pain in the ass to send my family shit back home or my friends and stuff.

00:11:53.000 You just have to put shit in a box and it costs like $8 for them to get it in two days and they come and pick it up at your front door.

00:12:01.000 So now I'm just sending shit all the time to friends and stuff just because it's seriously super cheap.

00:12:06.000 Like, oh hey, have some shit.

00:12:07.000 Hey, here's this.

00:12:09.000 Remember this?

00:12:09.000 Yeah, you get a lot of swag, right?

00:12:11.000 Aren't you always getting things?

00:12:12.000 I'm always getting t-shirts that I'm not going to wear and books that I'm not going to read.

00:12:16.000 Yeah, it's cool if you could share that shit.

00:12:16.000 Exactly.

00:12:18.000 To be able to do it through stamps.com.

00:12:19.000 Look, the idea of the post office or any company that sends you things is ridiculous.

00:12:26.000 You're going to give you someone, how much?

00:12:28.000 I've got to give you 80 bucks and you're going to take some shit that weighs 20 pounds across the country?

00:12:33.000 What the fuck is that?

00:12:33.000 Yeah.

00:12:34.000 That's ridiculous.

00:12:36.000 It's amazing.

00:12:37.000 Like, people used to complain about stamps when a stamp was like 35 cents.

00:12:41.000 You know, they went up to 35 cents.

00:12:43.000 Fucking 35 cents!

00:12:44.000 Someone's going to take your letter and they're going to bring it to another part of the world.

00:12:49.000 Like, that's amazing.

00:12:51.000 They're going to take it to the other side of the continent and it only costs 35 cents.

00:12:54.000 And you're whining?

00:12:55.000 You fucking lazy, spoiled bitch.

00:12:58.000 Yeah.

00:12:59.000 I love the future.

00:13:00.000 Shit like this is a great example of a website taking something that sucked and making it so much better and so much easier to where you can take advantage of the USPS for sending stuff to your parents for cheap and not having to deal with taking it to the post office,

00:13:16.000 waiting in line to where it becomes a chore.

00:13:19.000 Yeah, we have a bunch of our friends who use it.

00:13:20.000 Tom Segura and Christina Pazitsky use Stamps.com.

00:13:23.000 Burt uses it.

00:13:24.000 Kreischer uses it for Burt, Burt, Burt, all his shit.

00:13:27.000 Burtsquirt.com.

00:13:28.000 Yeah, does Joey use it for his stuff?

00:13:30.000 Probably.

00:13:31.000 Anyway, Stamps.com.

00:13:32.000 Go there.

00:13:33.000 Get your freak on.

00:13:34.000 Use the code word JRE. Save them some money and enjoy a nice product.

00:13:39.000 Alright, Miss Pat is here.

00:13:40.000 Why fuck around, Brian?

00:13:41.000 Cue the music.

00:13:42.000 Don't fuck with Nick Diaz's voice today.

00:13:44.000 Very big special answer.

00:13:46.000 Check it out!

00:13:47.000 The Joe Rogan experience.

00:13:49.000 Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.

00:13:53.000 Thank you.

00:13:54.000 Don't want to fuck with his voice.

00:13:55.000 He just signed to fight Anderson Silva.

00:13:58.000 Miss Pat.

00:13:59.000 Now, if I did not have you on this podcast, I would have never heard the end of it.

00:14:03.000 Jesus fucking Christ.

00:14:04.000 I don't know what you've done in those other podcasts, but all I keep hearing is, dude, you got to get Miss Pat.

00:14:09.000 You got to get Miss Pat.

00:14:10.000 Like more than any recent comedian I could think of in like the past two years.

00:14:14.000 People have been trying to get you.

00:14:16.000 What's going on?

00:14:17.000 I don't know.

00:14:17.000 They just love me.

00:14:19.000 What are you doing to these people?

00:14:20.000 Why don't you white guys like a big old black lady?

00:14:21.000 I guess they think I'm their nanny and shit.

00:14:23.000 Well, what I keep hearing is a comparison to you, my favorite person ever, Joey Diaz.

00:14:28.000 Everybody keeps saying that you're a female Joey Diaz, which is, there's no better description for a comedian that exists in my estimation.

00:14:35.000 Well, that's true.

00:14:36.000 I mean, we shaped alike.

00:14:39.000 Both our daddy left us, so we, he's similar, yeah.

00:14:43.000 And you both don't give a fuck.

00:14:44.000 I don't give a fuck about shit.

00:14:46.000 Life is too short to give a fuck.

00:14:47.000 It is too short.

00:14:49.000 I got four kids and two abortions.

00:14:50.000 I don't give a fuck.

00:14:51.000 Wow.

00:14:52.000 You can't keep them all.

00:14:54.000 Yeah, you can't keep them all.

00:14:55.000 There's times to do things and times not.

00:14:58.000 Exactly.

00:15:00.000 Abortions, it's a hot topic.

00:15:02.000 That's a fucking, it takes the air out of the room.

00:15:05.000 Did you feel that?

00:15:06.000 Did that scare you guys?

00:15:08.000 Not you guys.

00:15:08.000 Y'all spoken reefer early.

00:15:10.000 Hey, how dare you?

00:15:11.000 How dare you implicate us in illegal drug use?

00:15:14.000 Hey, I'm going to have all the soccer moms writing me.

00:15:17.000 How dare you, bitch?

00:15:18.000 That was 20 years ago.

00:15:19.000 Call Jesus.

00:15:20.000 Don't call me.

00:15:21.000 Leave me the fuck alone.

00:15:22.000 They wouldn't say how dare you.

00:15:23.000 If you were white, they might.

00:15:25.000 A lot of those Republican soccer moms are really anti-abortion.

00:15:29.000 Yeah.

00:15:30.000 You never see black people outside of abortion clinic.

00:15:32.000 They'd be like, girlfriend, I feel you.

00:15:35.000 I feel you.

00:15:36.000 My appointment next week, bitch.

00:15:38.000 There's a weird vacancy to their eyes if you ever go to, like, or watch a documentary on those people.

00:15:44.000 Like, I've seen those people.

00:15:46.000 There was a Planned Parenthood, I think it was, in Boston.

00:15:49.000 And I remember seeing these people outside of it.

00:15:51.000 And you would drive by and they would hold up pictures of, like, dead babies and stuff.

00:15:56.000 And they harass women as they're going in.

00:15:59.000 They, like, show them these pictures.

00:16:00.000 But when they come out, nobody is out there.

00:16:03.000 Have you noticed that?

00:16:04.000 Everybody's gone.

00:16:05.000 Yeah, why is that?

00:16:06.000 I don't fucking know.

00:16:08.000 They probably know when the time, when the arrivals are.

00:16:11.000 Nobody was out there when I went.

00:16:12.000 No?

00:16:13.000 They're not going to protest in the head.

00:16:15.000 They don't give a fuck about those babies.

00:16:17.000 So, you don't have that problem.

00:16:21.000 You just have the problem getting the daddy, they drop you off.

00:16:25.000 Because he don't want to be a part of it.

00:16:28.000 Abortion's a tricky subject, man.

00:16:30.000 You know?

00:16:30.000 Because it's like, at what point in time should it be okay?

00:16:33.000 Like, everybody kind of agrees.

00:16:34.000 I think it's your choice.

00:16:35.000 Absolutely.

00:16:36.000 I always say, this is my pussy.

00:16:38.000 I'll do what I want.

00:16:39.000 I say to her, too, but nobody listens.

00:16:42.000 They don't even believe me.

00:16:43.000 Yeah, I mean, you can do whatever you want.

00:16:45.000 Who is Congress to tell you what to do with yourself?

00:16:48.000 Yeah, no one can tell you.

00:16:50.000 Yeah, because once you have it, you can't take it.

00:16:51.000 I had two kids when I was 15. What the fuck was you doing, Congress?

00:16:55.000 You had two kids by the time you were 15?

00:16:57.000 Wow, that's crazy.

00:16:57.000 Yes.

00:16:59.000 Two kids.

00:17:00.000 Wow.

00:17:01.000 I didn't have a fucking childhood.

00:17:02.000 That is incredible.

00:17:04.000 That's incredible.

00:17:05.000 I don't know how I made it.

00:17:06.000 It was incredible.

00:17:07.000 Wow.

00:17:09.000 Well, you obviously made it.

00:17:11.000 You're okay.

00:17:12.000 You're funny.

00:17:14.000 Yeah, but I went through a lot of shit to get funny.

00:17:17.000 Jesus Christ.

00:17:18.000 It wasn't funny when I was having them.

00:17:20.000 Yeah, I can only imagine.

00:17:21.000 How old were you when you had your first kid?

00:17:23.000 I was 14 when I had my first kid by a married man.

00:17:26.000 Whoa, boy.

00:17:28.000 I met him when I was 12 and he was 22. Whoa.

00:17:32.000 So we started dating.

00:17:33.000 I was in elementary school.

00:17:35.000 Oh my God, 12. I had a really nice body.

00:17:38.000 I was fuckable.

00:17:42.000 I might not be fuckable today, Joe, but I was fuckable back then.

00:17:46.000 When did you start fucking?

00:17:47.000 Wow.

00:17:48.000 12. He was the first one.

00:17:49.000 He was the first one.

00:17:50.000 Wow.

00:17:51.000 He was the first one.

00:17:52.000 You got a baby with him.

00:17:53.000 And you had a baby when you were 14. Wow.

00:17:55.000 Two babies.

00:17:56.000 And then I got pregnant again and gave birth when I was 15. Oh my goodness.

00:18:00.000 Wow.

00:18:01.000 That is a crazy...

00:18:03.000 You never met a teenage mom?

00:18:05.000 Oh, I've met a teenage mom too.

00:18:06.000 Well, I'm an old teenage mom now.

00:18:09.000 I used to be a teenage mom.

00:18:13.000 It's hard for someone who has children, especially someone who has daughters.

00:18:17.000 I got two daughters too.

00:18:19.000 They didn't have any kids.

00:18:20.000 They didn't have the life.

00:18:22.000 I didn't play that shit.

00:18:23.000 What do they feel like when they hear your story?

00:18:25.000 That's got to be hard.

00:18:26.000 I mean, I guess you'd have to ask them, but that has to be crazy to hear that your mom went through that.

00:18:31.000 Well, my daughter was there.

00:18:33.000 You know, she was there because I got pregnant at 14 and I had a brother.

00:18:37.000 Then I couldn't get a job.

00:18:39.000 I started selling drugs.

00:18:40.000 So she was there through everything.

00:18:42.000 I mean, I think I'm her hero.

00:18:45.000 Wow.

00:18:45.000 So after I got married and I straightened everything out, you know, she had a better life.

00:18:53.000 You know, that's one of those situations where people that have that attitude, like, that everybody on welfare is just lazy, like, that people don't need help, that they need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.

00:19:05.000 Like, stories like that, man, you gotta shut the fuck up, right?

00:19:08.000 Well, it's statistics.

00:19:09.000 Let me tell you something.

00:19:10.000 When you're dealing, when you...

00:19:12.000 Like, I grew up in the ghetto.

00:19:13.000 My mom was on welfare.

00:19:14.000 Her mom was on welfare.

00:19:15.000 So, people...

00:19:16.000 I tell a story about welfare is like diabetes.

00:19:19.000 If the mama get it, there's a good chance the daughter might get it.

00:19:22.000 So you teach.

00:19:22.000 Wow.

00:19:23.000 I mean, she taught me how to do this shit.

00:19:25.000 And I just said, I don't want my daughter to go through this bullshit.

00:19:28.000 I don't want my daughter to be a teenage mom and, you know, drop out of high school.

00:19:33.000 My daughter's the first one to graduate high school in three generations and the first one to ever go to college in my family.

00:19:39.000 Wow.

00:19:40.000 So I was determined you are not going to end up like I ended up.

00:19:44.000 That's beautiful.

00:19:45.000 That's amazing.

00:19:46.000 That, to me, is the greatest form of success ever.

00:19:49.000 If you can learn from your own mistakes, impart your life's wisdom on your children, and then your children go on to take the ball and carry it and run it further and do what you just said.

00:20:00.000 Become the first person to go to college.

00:20:02.000 Become the first person to graduate high school in many generations.

00:20:04.000 That's beautiful.

00:20:06.000 That's an amazing thing.

00:20:07.000 Congratulations.

00:20:08.000 Well, thank you.

00:20:09.000 I mean, I worked hard for that shit because, I mean, I didn't graduate.

00:20:12.000 Nobody else.

00:20:13.000 I had nobody to look up to.

00:20:14.000 I just know.

00:20:15.000 I was like, my daughter would not go through this bullshit that I went through in life.

00:20:18.000 And I had a son, too.

00:20:20.000 So he graduated, too.

00:20:21.000 But nobody else.

00:20:23.000 I mean, I had a niece.

00:20:24.000 Because I had custody of my sister for a kid.

00:20:26.000 So her oldest daughter graduated because they're the same age right after my daughter did.

00:20:30.000 But nobody else.

00:20:31.000 Everybody just keep having babies and dropping out.

00:20:34.000 It's a fucking, what do you call it?

00:20:37.000 Epidemic.

00:20:38.000 Yeah, you know, it's just keep passing it down.

00:20:42.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:20:44.000 There's definitely kids, everybody learns from their atmosphere.

00:20:48.000 That's why I always tell people, if you can, surround yourself with people that are trying to get their shit together.

00:20:53.000 And it will help you get your shit together because you force yourself to the standard of the people that you're around.

00:20:58.000 We're good to go.

00:21:17.000 And, you know, I was raised in a bootleg house, so all I saw was drunk people, just bullshit all my life.

00:21:22.000 So I started to pick my girlfriends.

00:21:24.000 If you didn't have a college degree, a high school diploma, you couldn't be my fucking friend because I have a bunch of stupid ass relatives.

00:21:30.000 I needed somebody I could learn from, you know, just to put a correct sentence together, all that bullshit because I was dropped out of school in the eighth grade.

00:21:39.000 So I needed to surround myself around better people.

00:21:41.000 So all my girlfriends got college degrees and they married.

00:21:46.000 That's amazing though that you figured that out.

00:21:48.000 How old were you when you decided to have these really high standards?

00:21:54.000 Probably about 17 when things were winding down from being in a bad relationship with my kid's father.

00:22:02.000 I started dating him and I think what I was looking for was just somebody to love me because I didn't have a fucking father.

00:22:09.000 So I think I was just saying, I need somebody to love me.

00:22:12.000 So I get involved with this guy who become very abusive, who shoots me, who beats me.

00:22:17.000 And then I'm thinking, you know, because I was taught this.

00:22:19.000 My mama said, if a man don't hit you, he don't love you.

00:22:22.000 She said that?

00:22:23.000 Fuck yeah.

00:22:23.000 And he hit me with a roller skate one night.

00:22:26.000 Why is that funny, brother?

00:22:27.000 This is like the worst advice I've ever heard.

00:22:29.000 Well, my mama gave me a lot of fucked up advice that I realize now it was fucked up advice, but it was passed down to her.

00:22:35.000 So she was like, if a man don't hit you, he don't love you.

00:22:37.000 So my baby daddy hit me with a roller skate one night because it's food.

00:22:41.000 Love the roller skate.

00:22:42.000 And that fucking skate shook my skull.

00:22:45.000 And I said to myself, this love bitch I can do without it.

00:22:47.000 I bowed up my fist and I knocked that motherfucker in the back seat.

00:22:51.000 And I started to fight back from that day on.

00:22:54.000 He hit you with a roller skate?

00:22:55.000 He hit me.

00:22:55.000 He shot me in the back of the head.

00:22:57.000 He hit me with a bunch of shit.

00:22:58.000 What did he shoot you with?

00:22:59.000 A.38.

00:23:00.000 Jesus Christ.

00:23:02.000 Where did it hit you?

00:23:03.000 It cracked the back of my skull.

00:23:05.000 That's it?

00:23:06.000 It just grazed you?

00:23:07.000 No, I went in a good little bit, but it was fucked up.

00:23:10.000 They was like, I can't believe you're not dead.

00:23:12.000 So I was in the hospital.

00:23:14.000 I get better and I call him.

00:23:15.000 It's like, oh, you love me.

00:23:17.000 Come get me.

00:23:18.000 That's how fucking stupid I was.

00:23:19.000 He wasn't in jail?

00:23:20.000 You didn't call the cops on him?

00:23:21.000 No, I wouldn't tell.

00:23:22.000 I was in love.

00:23:23.000 Because my mama said, if my mama don't slap you a couple times, he don't love you.

00:23:27.000 So if he shoots you, oh my God, that's real fucking love.

00:23:27.000 Oh my God.

00:23:31.000 Jesus Christ.

00:23:32.000 He was trying to kill you.

00:23:33.000 Well, he say he wasn't.

00:23:35.000 Oh, he's just that good at aim.

00:23:37.000 You know how fucking good at aim you have to be to shoot someone in the head and not kill?

00:23:40.000 And I was 15. Oh, my God.

00:23:43.000 He shot you in the head when you were 15. Holy shit.

00:23:45.000 Then I turn around and get shot again in the titty.

00:23:48.000 What?

00:23:49.000 Who shot you in the breast?

00:23:51.000 A fucking fool in a drive-by.

00:23:53.000 I blew my nipple off.

00:23:54.000 Oh, my God.

00:23:57.000 Where were you sitting when this happened?

00:23:59.000 No, we was arguing.

00:24:00.000 We had an argument, so I put my piss in his face because I was a drug dealer.

00:24:05.000 I was like, get the fuck out of here before I shoot you.

00:24:07.000 But I'm just 15 with a gun.

00:24:09.000 I didn't know you wasn't supposed to pull a gun unless you're going to shoot a motherfucker.

00:24:12.000 So he come back with a.45 and started fucking popping.

00:24:16.000 So I started running and one of the.45s hit me up under the arm and blew my whole fucking titty apart.

00:24:22.000 Oh my goodness.

00:24:23.000 It was like stepping on a line.

00:24:25.000 And you were 15?

00:24:27.000 And you were 15 with two kids and you got shot in a titty.

00:24:27.000 Yeah.

00:24:29.000 My daughter was with me when he shot me.

00:24:32.000 She sure was.

00:24:33.000 She was with me.

00:24:34.000 And when they came to get me, she was like, the police like, well, what happened, Rabbit?

00:24:38.000 Because that was my drug dealer name.

00:24:40.000 And I didn't really want to tell because I was like, we're going to kill this motherfucker.

00:24:43.000 My daughter yelled out, well, Monk shot.

00:24:45.000 My mama put a pistol in Monk's face, so he came back and shot.

00:24:48.000 I'm like, shut the fuck up.

00:24:49.000 You're going to get me arrested?

00:24:51.000 Wow.

00:24:52.000 Oh my god.

00:24:54.000 And you were 15 and how old was your daughter then?

00:24:56.000 She was 2?

00:24:57.000 Yeah.

00:24:58.000 Wow.

00:24:59.000 She's 2. She doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about.

00:25:01.000 She's traumatized.

00:25:02.000 She knew everything.

00:25:03.000 She knew every fucking thing.

00:25:05.000 She still remembers to this day.

00:25:07.000 That is an insane environment to grow up in.

00:25:10.000 Mom's a 15-year-old drug dealer who got shot in the titty.

00:25:10.000 It was.

00:25:13.000 Yeah.

00:25:14.000 In a drive-by.

00:25:15.000 Yeah.

00:25:15.000 And you saw mom with dope and money like crazy every day.

00:25:20.000 Did you get arrested?

00:25:22.000 Fuck yeah.

00:25:23.000 You always get arrested.

00:25:24.000 Always?

00:25:24.000 Always.

00:25:25.000 There's no beating it.

00:25:26.000 They wait till you earn enough money so they can take it.

00:25:29.000 Is that what happened?

00:25:31.000 Yeah, I did a year in prison for it.

00:25:35.000 Right.

00:25:52.000 So a lot of times I would just show up on a fucking interview and they was like, where are your work from?

00:25:57.000 And I was like, meet Ashlyn Nikhil.

00:25:59.000 I need a fucking job.

00:26:00.000 I got two kids.

00:26:01.000 They were like, you're supposed to be in school.

00:26:03.000 That's here and there.

00:26:03.000 I got two fucking kids to fend for.

00:26:05.000 So at that time, crack had just hit the black community really hard.

00:26:10.000 So I started to sell crack because everybody was getting on it.

00:26:14.000 Did you take it?

00:26:14.000 Wow.

00:26:15.000 I never did drugs.

00:26:17.000 I grew up watching my mama as an alcoholic.

00:26:20.000 So everything my mama did, I said I wouldn't do.

00:26:23.000 She smoked cigarettes.

00:26:24.000 She drank.

00:26:25.000 She did whatever.

00:26:26.000 I was like, I'm not going to end up like you motherfuckers.

00:26:29.000 I think y'all stole me.

00:26:33.000 Well, you were the end of the line, you know?

00:26:36.000 I mean, that's what it looks like.

00:26:38.000 I mean, it looks like you're the one who figured it out and then you're imparting that onto your kids.

00:26:42.000 But the end of the line, like sometimes enough is enough.

00:26:45.000 Enough is enough.

00:26:46.000 Your own genetics were like, stop, cut the bullshit, let's reset this whole thing.

00:26:51.000 Yeah.

00:26:52.000 Good for you.

00:26:53.000 Especially when I had kids.

00:26:54.000 I was like, my kids can't grow around this bullshit.

00:26:56.000 How'd you start doing stand-up?

00:26:58.000 I went to the welfare office to get my food stamps and welfare recertified.

00:27:03.000 So you like get a white caseworker and I tell her, oh, I had such a hard life.

00:27:08.000 I've been this.

00:27:08.000 I've been shot.

00:27:09.000 I've been that.

00:27:10.000 And you know, white caseworker.

00:27:12.000 Once I tell these stories into detail, white women, they're so easy to make cry.

00:27:15.000 Ha ha ha!

00:27:17.000 So this bitch will give me a few extra bumps and tell me what was going on free.

00:27:21.000 So one day I go in and I got this black caseworker.

00:27:24.000 So I said, oh, this bitch is going to be hard because, you know, you think all black people is from the ghetto.

00:27:28.000 So I started telling her these stories and this bitch bust out laughing.

00:27:33.000 And I was like, what the fuck are you laughing at?

00:27:34.000 She was like, you should be a comedian.

00:27:36.000 This shit is hilarious.

00:27:37.000 You ever heard of Richard Pryor?

00:27:38.000 These are Richard Pryor stories.

00:27:39.000 I was like, I didn't come in for no fucking job.

00:27:41.000 I came for free shit.

00:27:44.000 That's hilarious.

00:27:45.000 You didn't want a job.

00:27:46.000 No, I was on welfare.

00:27:48.000 I mean, at the time, I was trying to get my life back together.

00:27:51.000 So, you know, I'm just home.

00:27:53.000 I had a free house because I had Section A. I had my sister, four kids.

00:27:57.000 So I had a total of six kids and a husband who was working.

00:28:00.000 And I was like, you know, this is how I grew up.

00:28:02.000 Motherfucker standing at home watching The Young and the Restless.

00:28:05.000 So you didn't even start to think about doing stand-up until this lady brought that up?

00:28:09.000 Well, she the first one to kind of put it in my ear, yeah.

00:28:13.000 I never thought this shit was funny.

00:28:15.000 It was pain.

00:28:17.000 See, I mean, you know, when I tell these stories, I had to get over them.

00:28:21.000 So you gotta forgive.

00:28:23.000 And then you gotta, you know, you gotta let everything go.

00:28:26.000 So it doesn't bother you to tell it on stage.

00:28:29.000 I can laugh about it now.

00:28:31.000 You know, people look at me having, you know, sleeping with a married man.

00:28:34.000 I'm 12 and he's 22. That's fucking child molestation.

00:28:39.000 But how do you deal with it?

00:28:41.000 So I deal with it.

00:28:42.000 I laugh about it.

00:28:43.000 I'm turning all that.

00:28:45.000 And I used to be pissed off at this dude because he took my fucking childhood.

00:28:49.000 I mean, think about it.

00:28:50.000 I was a mom at 14. That's crazy.

00:28:52.000 I got a 16-year-old daughter that all she do is fucking play with her iPad.

00:28:56.000 Just doing what a 16-year-old's supposed to do.

00:28:59.000 I never had that opportunity.

00:29:01.000 I never had an opportunity to be a little girl.

00:29:03.000 It's overrated, because if it was awesome, you'd be doing that shit right now.

00:29:07.000 I mean, think about it.

00:29:08.000 Everybody says, I wish I was seven again.

00:29:09.000 I was retarded when I was seven.

00:29:11.000 I'd be playing with mutant ninja turtles and pretending helicopters are real, little plastic helicopters.

00:29:17.000 That's stupid shit.

00:29:17.000 That's stupid.

00:29:18.000 I'm glad.

00:29:19.000 Well, but it's stuff that you need.

00:29:22.000 It's stuff you fucking need.

00:29:23.000 No, you're not, Joe.

00:29:24.000 You don't want nobody to steal your daughter's childhood.

00:29:27.000 I'm only kidding.

00:29:28.000 No, I'm only kidding.

00:29:29.000 Fucking be drop-kicking the shit out of that old nigga.

00:29:31.000 Get your old ass away from here.

00:29:32.000 You ain't getting no pussy.

00:29:34.000 You better fuck this cat.

00:29:35.000 What is it about a guy that would want to do that?

00:29:37.000 That's what's fucked up.

00:29:38.000 It is.

00:29:39.000 What you were talking about, like the whole patterns, you know, like your family falls into a pattern.

00:29:43.000 I bet they're in the same sort of patterns too.

00:29:45.000 I learned, because I'm writing a one-woman show for my life, and I learned that my daddy got my mama young like that.

00:29:54.000 My mama had six kids by the time she was 22. So it's just passing it down.

00:30:02.000 Yeah, it's so common that that happens.

00:30:05.000 On both sides, you know?

00:30:07.000 I mean, maybe your husband or the man who got you pregnant.

00:30:13.000 That is not my fucking husband.

00:30:15.000 I meant the dude.

00:30:16.000 Whatever he was at the time.

00:30:16.000 Baby dad.

00:30:18.000 He was never your husband at any point in time.

00:30:19.000 No, he was married.

00:30:21.000 Oh, that's right.

00:30:22.000 Well, whoever he is.

00:30:24.000 Hey, guys, Facebook friends?

00:30:25.000 Huh?

00:30:26.000 Never mind.

00:30:27.000 I bet, you know, in his life, I bet that was probably common, too.

00:30:31.000 You know, I bet that kind of fucked up behavior was normal.

00:30:35.000 Well, yeah.

00:30:37.000 Yeah, because, I mean, if you look at it, it's child molestation.

00:30:39.000 For sure.

00:30:40.000 To me, he's a fucking molester.

00:30:42.000 You know, we learned later on he did other shit.

00:30:45.000 But, I mean, to fuck a 12-year-old?

00:30:47.000 Yeah, it's crazy.

00:30:48.000 And to show up at the hospital and sign both kids' birth certificate, nobody question your old ass.

00:30:53.000 That's crazy, too.

00:30:54.000 That is the most gross shit out of all of this.

00:30:56.000 I cannot look at my kid's birth certificate.

00:30:59.000 Because on there, I'm 14 and he's 22. And my daughter went to get her birth certificate because she was going on a cruise.

00:31:06.000 And she was like, oh my God, look, this is nasty.

00:31:09.000 I was like, bitch, put that away.

00:31:11.000 I didn't say bitch, but I was like, put that shit away.

00:31:13.000 Put that shit away.

00:31:15.000 Wow.

00:31:16.000 Yeah, it's a sickness.

00:31:17.000 It has to be.

00:31:19.000 And it's a sickness of the mind.

00:31:21.000 And apparently, when it gets done to them, it's more likely that they're going to do it to somebody else.

00:31:27.000 Yeah.

00:31:27.000 And you know, he never thought he did anything wrong.

00:31:29.000 Because I asked him, I was like, you know, I'm in my 40s now.

00:31:33.000 You actually took my childhood, and he was like, your mind and body wasn't 12. What the fuck are you talking about, my mind and body?

00:31:40.000 Because I had a big booty that was round, and my titties set up like apples.

00:31:43.000 Oh, I had a come fuck me sign on my forehead?

00:31:47.000 Well, that's his way of excusing his behavior.

00:31:50.000 He got horny when he was around you, so he felt like your body and mind.

00:31:53.000 But, you know, when you describe it...

00:31:55.000 See, how is a man supposed to decipher that if he's a dumb dude at 22, you know?

00:32:00.000 He's not going to decipher that.

00:32:02.000 No, he just wants to fuck.

00:32:04.000 Yeah, that's the problem.

00:32:05.000 And it's such an overwhelming urge.

00:32:07.000 Unless you have someone around you constantly imparting morals and ethics and growing you the right way, we grow up like animals.

00:32:14.000 We have instincts, you know, these animal instincts, horny instincts.

00:32:18.000 They overcome any idea of guilt or remorse.

00:32:21.000 And so that's his way of rationalizing it.

00:32:24.000 I guess.

00:32:25.000 Your body and mind weren't 14. Well, my body truly wasn't 14. I was fine as fuck.

00:32:31.000 But see?

00:32:32.000 I'm not excusing him.

00:32:34.000 I'm not excusing him, but...

00:32:36.000 I'm assuming he's a dumb dude, right?

00:32:39.000 He's dumb as fuck.

00:32:40.000 He works at Jiffy Loops now.

00:32:43.000 Nothing wrong with people working at Jiffy Loops, but I hear you.

00:32:46.000 It's just...

00:32:48.000 It's hard to get your shit together, you know, but you getting your shit together in your situation, that's more impressive than anybody, any normal person in any other situation.

00:32:56.000 Because your situation sounds so fucking crazy that for you to go full circle from that to being a working professional comedian...

00:33:04.000 Paying taxes.

00:33:05.000 Yeah, the whole deal.

00:33:06.000 Voting.

00:33:07.000 And on top of that, the most important thing, seeing your kids grow up in a completely different way.

00:33:12.000 I tell my kids all the time, you don't know how fucking good you have it.

00:33:15.000 Especially my second, two by my husband.

00:33:18.000 You know, we live in the suburbs and they don't know shit.

00:33:21.000 They don't hear gunfire.

00:33:22.000 I never had to put drugs in their pampers and haul the dope and sell drugs in front of their schools.

00:33:28.000 I never had to do none of that shit to them.

00:33:30.000 So I was like, you don't know how fucking good you got it.

00:33:32.000 Yeah.

00:33:33.000 A lot of people don't.

00:33:53.000 How about Liberia?

00:33:54.000 You hear this shit, man?

00:33:55.000 They're fucking closing the borders of Liberia because Ebola's breaking out, and people who had it, they escaped from the hospital.

00:34:01.000 These fucking people escaped from quarantine.

00:34:04.000 Jesus Christ.

00:34:05.000 They don't know where they're going.

00:34:06.000 It's a city of a million people.

00:34:08.000 Wasn't there somebody here in Los Angeles that just escaped from the hospital also with some kind of really contagious disease, and they were like, he has a warrant for his arrest right now because he just left the hospital?

00:34:16.000 I don't know.

00:34:17.000 Google it.

00:34:18.000 Did he take the cure with him?

00:34:19.000 I'm not.

00:34:20.000 That was that movie, The Strain.

00:34:22.000 I think you were probably stoned and you were watching The Strain.

00:34:25.000 That TV show?

00:34:26.000 That FX show?

00:34:28.000 Have you seen The Strain?

00:34:29.000 No.

00:34:30.000 It's a good fucking show, man.

00:34:31.000 I read the book and I didn't like it.

00:34:33.000 I liked it for three quarters of the way, but the last quarter was kind of whack and I decided that that's not enough.

00:34:39.000 You know, three quarters is really good and then one quarter of the book sucks.

00:34:42.000 I can't recommend it, but as a show, it's awesome.

00:34:45.000 It's really cool.

00:34:47.000 I think that's what they meant to do when they made The Strain in the first place.

00:34:50.000 They meant to make it as a miniseries.

00:34:53.000 And they wrote it as a book.

00:34:54.000 But that's how it takes place.

00:34:57.000 It takes place a disease, there's a quarantine, and these people get out, and then everyone's fucked.

00:35:06.000 I don't know what you're talking about.

00:35:08.000 It sounds like the ghetto to me, but I'm just going to listen to you.

00:35:11.000 We're talking about the apocalypse.

00:35:13.000 We're talking about terrible situations.

00:35:15.000 If your life, like when you were getting shot in the tit and you were 15, you had your baby with you and you drug dealing and all that, if you forced some white woman in her 40s into that situation, she would be...

00:35:27.000 Lose our fucking mind.

00:35:28.000 That would be the apocalypse.

00:35:30.000 That would be the apocalypse for her.

00:35:31.000 I have to sell crack?

00:35:32.000 What?

00:35:33.000 Someone shot my tit off?

00:35:34.000 I can't do this!

00:35:34.000 What?

00:35:36.000 I mean, that would be just like the apocalypse.

00:35:36.000 You know?

00:35:39.000 There'd be no difference.

00:35:40.000 Yes, it would be.

00:35:40.000 I found it.

00:35:41.000 It was actually in North Hollywood.

00:35:43.000 It was a guy with tuberculosis.

00:35:47.000 Tuberculosis?

00:35:47.000 Is that super contagious?

00:35:49.000 If it get bad.

00:35:51.000 I think it's something that, like, if you start sneezing, it's airborne.

00:35:53.000 It's airborne.

00:35:54.000 Is it?

00:35:54.000 Yeah.

00:35:55.000 Yeah.

00:35:56.000 But I think they arrested him.

00:35:58.000 Oh, okay.

00:35:59.000 Yeah, but they could treat tuberculosis, right?

00:36:01.000 That's not scaring me like Ebola.

00:36:03.000 Ebola is a hemorrhagic virus, which means you bleed.

00:36:07.000 You bleed everywhere.

00:36:09.000 Like, your eyeballs bleed, your fucking skin falls apart.

00:36:13.000 Like, Ebola is rough business.

00:36:15.000 That's no joke.

00:36:16.000 Those hemorrhagic viruses...

00:36:18.000 When I did that sci-fi show, Questions Everything, the real issue that was scary on that show was talking about infectious diseases.

00:36:29.000 And they were talking about, you know, everybody's worried that there'll be some terrorists and they'll release some anthrax and everybody'll get fucked.

00:36:35.000 They're like, listen, what nature makes, the stuff that nature's making...

00:36:39.000 That is way scarier than any fucking shit that anybody's cooking up in a lab.

00:36:45.000 Because at any given point in time, nature can make some insane virus that no one can fix.

00:36:51.000 At any point in time, these two viruses can interact with each other and create some mutant, and they're constantly changing and growing.

00:36:59.000 And they're constantly avoiding the attack by antibiotics and antiviral drugs.

00:37:04.000 So they're strengthening and getting stronger and finding new trickier ways to get into people's bodies.

00:37:11.000 You scare me.

00:37:12.000 Can we just stick the gun around?

00:37:13.000 This guy scared the fuck out of me.

00:37:15.000 He scared the fuck out of me.

00:37:16.000 One of these dudes was a Russian cat who told me that when the Cold War was going on, they had trenches filled with anthrax.

00:37:25.000 Trenches.

00:37:26.000 And I go, well, how many people would that kill?

00:37:27.000 He said, every person on the planet.

00:37:30.000 Every single person.

00:37:31.000 I said, there's enough anthrax to kill every person.

00:37:34.000 He goes, absolutely.

00:37:35.000 No question about it.

00:37:37.000 There's enough anthrax that they had that could kill everybody.

00:37:41.000 Like, what are you talking about?

00:37:42.000 How much anthrax is there?

00:37:44.000 Like, it only takes like a little bit to kill you.

00:37:47.000 Like, anthrax is a motherfucker.

00:37:49.000 And this idea was that they were going to figure out some sort of an airborne dispersion method.

00:37:53.000 And even the government even tested, like, there was something, I think it was in Cleveland, I forget the city, but they sprayed some shit over the city, like phosphorescent, like something that they could track.

00:38:04.000 They're like, essentially what the chemtrail people think is going on, you know, like they actually did it.

00:38:09.000 And they did it from the top of a building.

00:38:10.000 They sprayed it or something like that.

00:38:11.000 Because they were trying to figure out how much of a containment period, how much of an area would they have to contain, you know, if a disease got out.

00:38:20.000 Okay.

00:38:21.000 That's how goofy people are.

00:38:22.000 They were thinking about, like, actually just so indiscriminately, just letting a disease go out.

00:38:29.000 Like, that was an option.

00:38:30.000 Like, a disease that would kill the entire population.

00:38:33.000 Not just the soldiers.

00:38:34.000 Not just the people that were, you know, the politicians who were causing the war in the first place.

00:38:38.000 No.

00:38:39.000 The entire population with a virus.

00:38:41.000 A virus that would make your fucking eyeballs bleed out.

00:38:45.000 I think you just scared the shit out of us.

00:38:47.000 We should be scared.

00:38:49.000 I think we should be scared.

00:38:50.000 You know why I think we should be scared?

00:38:51.000 Because, look, if the world was just us, we would work everything out, you know?

00:38:55.000 I couldn't imagine going to war with you, Miss Pat.

00:38:57.000 You seem like a very nice person.

00:38:59.000 I don't think I could whoop your ass, Joe.

00:39:01.000 But I don't mean it like that.

00:39:02.000 I mean, you know what I'm saying?

00:39:03.000 If you had a country that you owned and I had a country that I owned, I think we could come to some reasonable terms.

00:39:08.000 I don't think it would be an issue.

00:39:09.000 But when you see shit like what's going on in Israel today...

00:39:12.000 You see these, you know, Israel's got, they've got all their military troops there, and everyone's launching rockets, and it's just horrifying, man.

00:39:20.000 You're seeing babies that are dead on the beach, these photos.

00:39:23.000 Anthony Bourdain tweeted some photo the other day.

00:39:26.000 It was horrifying.

00:39:27.000 Like, if that can happen over there, that can happen right fucking here.

00:39:32.000 I mean, it's contained while it's over there, and our idea is that, well, if it's out of there, it's out of our mind.

00:39:39.000 But that shit's going on right now in 2014. And it could just as easily happen in New York or in Pittsburgh or anywhere.

00:39:47.000 Anywhere.

00:39:48.000 London.

00:39:48.000 Just pick a city.

00:39:49.000 That can happen in London.

00:39:50.000 Crazy shit can go down like that any part of the world if you've got enough people that disagree and they're highly armed and they have religious ideas attached to what they're doing.

00:40:00.000 You've got a terrifying situation.

00:40:02.000 That's how we're living right now in 2014. I saw the worst video over the weekend on Facebook.

00:40:09.000 For some reason Facebook has the worst videos now.

00:40:12.000 People are posting on their lines.

00:40:13.000 But one is this Israeli family that captured a child from Palestine.

00:40:18.000 And this kid was probably like five or six.

00:40:20.000 And they were teaching their daughter, who is Jewish, I guess, or whatever, Israelian, to beat the kid with a bat.

00:40:29.000 And so the kid's like crying, like, please stop!

00:40:31.000 You know, this little five-year-old.

00:40:32.000 And this little six-year-old's hitting it with a bat.

00:40:34.000 And she wouldn't, she didn't want to hit it hard.

00:40:37.000 You know, so she's just barely hitting it.

00:40:38.000 And this other kid that's a little older comes up, no, there's no, hit him!

00:40:41.000 And just like starts punching this little kid in the face.

00:40:43.000 Because the kid's Palestinian?

00:40:45.000 They, like, captured somebody, and they're just beating this kid up.

00:40:45.000 Yeah.

00:40:48.000 Like, the whole family.

00:40:49.000 Like, the kids and everyone.

00:40:50.000 It's awful.

00:40:51.000 Can we go back to the ghetto?

00:40:52.000 Yeah.

00:40:53.000 Yeah, the ghetto's way better.

00:40:55.000 Eddie Bravo and I, we watched that movie once.

00:40:59.000 What is that fucking movie?

00:41:01.000 It's a Brazilian movie about the ghetto.

00:41:03.000 Oh, Children of God.

00:41:05.000 City of God?

00:41:06.000 Yeah, City of God.

00:41:07.000 It's a fucking crime.

00:41:07.000 City of God.

00:41:08.000 Crazy movie.

00:41:09.000 You ever seen it?

00:41:09.000 No.

00:41:10.000 God damn, Miss Pat, you gotta see City of God.

00:41:12.000 It's incredible.

00:41:13.000 It's really, really, really fucking good.

00:41:16.000 But it's all about the favelas of Brazil and how the violence there is just on a completely different level.

00:41:24.000 First of all, these houses are essentially like, a lot of them are almost like they're camping out.

00:41:28.000 They don't have windows.

00:41:29.000 They don't have running water.

00:41:30.000 They have dirt floors in some of them.

00:41:32.000 Some of them, they can range in ghetto to incredibly poor.

00:41:38.000 Essentially, you live In the woods.

00:41:40.000 You just have a shelter around.

00:41:42.000 It's not much different than that.

00:41:44.000 And these young kid drug dealers, just unbelievably violent and ruthless.

00:41:49.000 The whole movie is just so crazy.

00:41:51.000 More people die in the first five minutes of that movie than the entire Boys in the Hood.

00:41:56.000 Yeah, like, quickly.

00:41:56.000 Damn.

00:41:58.000 Like, more people die, maybe in the first five minutes.

00:42:01.000 But it's a good fucking movie, too.

00:42:03.000 And it's based on a real scenario.

00:42:05.000 If you go to the ghettos of Brazil, like some of the worst poor neighborhoods where there's a lot of drug violence, that was what they were scared of when it came to the World Cup.

00:42:14.000 You know, there's really some horrifying shit can be going down there.

00:42:17.000 That's happening right now.

00:42:21.000 There's always somebody that's got it worse.

00:42:21.000 Wow.

00:42:23.000 That's how fucked up people are.

00:42:24.000 This is just a huge range of what we're capable of, you know?

00:42:29.000 So when people see fucked up shit that's going on in the news and they try to pretend it's not happening right now because it's on the other side of the world, it's like...

00:42:38.000 If it's possible right now somewhere, it's possible here.

00:42:38.000 Yeah.

00:42:41.000 You know, just a bunch of things would have to go wrong, and it could be just as possible here.

00:42:46.000 Well, let's hope it don't make it here.

00:42:48.000 We just got to figure out a way to get better people to lead the world.

00:42:52.000 It's that simple.

00:42:53.000 It's really that simple.

00:42:54.000 That is the 100% solution for all of it.

00:42:56.000 Yeah, there's a lot of problems financially.

00:42:58.000 There's a lot of problems in this world as far as politically, the different sides.

00:43:02.000 Like, the argument, like, You know, I'm not a Republican by any stretch of the imagination, but I believe in some things that they think make sense.

00:43:11.000 I'm a big Democrat, but I do believe in a lot of stuff that they say.

00:43:15.000 Yeah, well, I think the Democrats, I like socially the attitude of the Democrats better.

00:43:20.000 I think it's a more progressive attitude as far as caring for people and looking out for people.

00:43:25.000 And sometimes people point down at that, and they accuse people of facilitating the welfare state.

00:43:32.000 And they have all these goofy ideas about what it is that keeps someone in a bad situation like that.

00:43:38.000 That's the number one problem that I have with right-wing people.

00:43:41.000 This pull-em-up-by-their-bootstraps mentality.

00:43:43.000 Because I'll meet someone like you.

00:43:45.000 And I go, what fucking bootstraps?

00:43:46.000 She's fucking I'm 14 years old and she's got a baby.

00:43:49.000 Two babies.

00:43:51.000 Yeah, another one when you're 15. You're telling me that she should be pulling herself up by her bootstraps?

00:43:56.000 That's fucking crazy.

00:43:58.000 I don't know, other than what you did though, other than what you did personally, where you just realized that fucking enough is enough, you worked hard, you got yourself out of that situation.

00:44:07.000 How else?

00:44:09.000 You've been through it.

00:44:10.000 If you had to engineer the way our society fixes this problem that we have with extremely poor people.

00:44:18.000 Somebody had to make me realize that there was a problem, which when I got married, when I met my husband, he was like, people don't live like this.

00:44:27.000 And I was like, what do you mean people don't live like this?

00:44:29.000 He was like, people go out and get a job.

00:44:31.000 People don't take from other people.

00:44:32.000 People don't sell drugs.

00:44:34.000 So I had to be taught that from my husband.

00:44:37.000 That's crazy.

00:44:38.000 And here I am, 19 I think at the time, and I had to go get a job.

00:44:42.000 How do you go into society and get a fucking minimum wage job when you're used to making $10,000 a day when you're 16 and 17 years old?

00:44:53.000 $10,000 a day?

00:44:55.000 Yes, I had a fucking trap out of this world.

00:44:57.000 You had a trap?

00:44:59.000 Yeah, it's called a trap.

00:45:00.000 I don't know what they call it now because I've been going from the ghetto too long.

00:45:04.000 But back then it was called a trap.

00:45:06.000 So when you're selling drugs, like your neighborhood's a trap?

00:45:09.000 Yeah, you stand on the corner, that's your trap.

00:45:11.000 If that's where you start the crackheads or the junkies to come, then that's where they came.

00:45:16.000 And everybody knew Rabbit was on Fast Street.

00:45:19.000 Oh, Rabbit was on Fast Street, that's our trap.

00:45:21.000 Our thirst trap.

00:45:22.000 We need to start calling our shows traps.

00:45:24.000 When we do shows, let's call, yeah, we're going to do a trap this weekend at the Ice House.

00:45:30.000 I love that term.

00:45:33.000 They don't use that term anymore because I don't know what you do to sell drugs anymore.

00:45:36.000 If they didn't use it on the wire, people haven't heard it.

00:45:39.000 No, that's because I think the wire was after I started selling drugs.

00:45:44.000 Well, it was probably written by white people too.

00:45:45.000 But you know what?

00:45:46.000 That show, my fucking husband loved that show.

00:45:49.000 And he was like, you gotta see this show.

00:45:51.000 And when I saw it, I said, I don't want to see that fucking shit.

00:45:54.000 I don't want to relive that crap.

00:45:55.000 And I got into it, you know, watching the whole fucking, all of it.

00:45:59.000 And he was like, how real is it?

00:46:00.000 Because my husband comes from a background where mama go to church every day and daddy go to work every day.

00:46:05.000 And it was 16 of them, but they wasn't on welfare and daddy and mama provided for them.

00:46:10.000 Where I didn't have that life, you know?

00:46:12.000 Right.

00:46:13.000 You know, his mama didn't play that shit.

00:46:14.000 You weren't selling drugs.

00:46:15.000 You weren't running the street.

00:46:16.000 You was going to school.

00:46:17.000 Wow.

00:46:18.000 So, you know.

00:46:20.000 So did he, like, when he met you and you said nobody lives like this, did he offer suggestions or did he just take you by the hand?

00:46:26.000 Listen, bitch, we're going to straighten this shit out.

00:46:29.000 No.

00:46:30.000 No.

00:46:31.000 Pretty much.

00:46:32.000 He was just like, you know, I think he was attracted because I was a go-getter.

00:46:36.000 Because I was coming out of selling drugs because people had, you know, the crack epidemic had slowed down.

00:46:42.000 So now the new thing was forging checks.

00:46:45.000 So I was into it.

00:46:48.000 I was into that shit really heavy.

00:46:50.000 He was like, you hurting these people?

00:46:52.000 I don't fucking know these people.

00:46:53.000 All I know is Bank of America and the check number is high.

00:46:56.000 You know, he's like, you can't do this shit.

00:46:58.000 And he just talked to me and I would listen.

00:47:01.000 I remember I had a lot of drugs one day and he was like, I like you and I want to date you.

00:47:08.000 He said, but I can't take you home to my mama as a drug dealer and your name is Rabbit.

00:47:16.000 So, I'm thinking, this is an opportunity for my kids to have a daddy, and he got all his back teeth, and he can read, and his shoes clean, and he don't punch a bitch in the eye every Friday.

00:47:27.000 Ching, ching!

00:47:28.000 I had to have him.

00:47:29.000 That's hilarious.

00:47:31.000 Wow.

00:47:31.000 So, I went for it.

00:47:33.000 So, I gave my niece, who I taught how to sell drugs, all of my drugs.

00:47:37.000 And I said...

00:47:41.000 So, did she work for you, or did you just give her the business?

00:47:44.000 Well, she was young when I got her.

00:47:46.000 She was like maybe 10, and they would haul the drugs for me over the years.

00:47:50.000 So, you know, I taught her how to do it, and she became a drug dealer.

00:47:53.000 When did she start selling drugs for you?

00:47:55.000 Shit, it was probably 11. Oh my God!

00:47:59.000 I know people are going to say, oh you was horrible.

00:48:01.000 We was all fucking kids because their mom was on crack.

00:48:05.000 This is my baby daddy's sister.

00:48:07.000 Their mom was on crack.

00:48:08.000 So I took them in.

00:48:10.000 Here I am.

00:48:11.000 I think they're 11 and I'm fucking 15. They thinking I'm grown.

00:48:16.000 I ain't grown with shit.

00:48:17.000 Oh my God.

00:48:17.000 So now I got my two kids and her three kids and we living.

00:48:21.000 I'm taking everybody to school because I sold drugs in front of my daughter's school.

00:48:26.000 Jesus.

00:48:27.000 Fucking Christ.

00:48:28.000 This was before the no-drug school zone signs went up, so I was already grandfathered in when that shit got there.

00:48:35.000 That's a really serious federal offense, right?

00:48:38.000 If you sell drugs close to a school?

00:48:40.000 Yeah, but I was already...

00:48:41.000 Them signs wasn't up back in those days.

00:48:43.000 So I would drop everybody off at school, and everybody knew when they got off, they knew what to do with the drugs.

00:48:49.000 Right.

00:48:50.000 Wow, that is crazy.

00:48:51.000 So you just had a whole system going.

00:48:53.000 I had a whole little system going.

00:48:55.000 So when you decided, you meet your husband, you say, you know what, alright, this dude's great.

00:49:00.000 I'm going to listen to him.

00:49:01.000 I'm going to do whatever I have to do to keep this working.

00:49:03.000 I'll just have her take care of this.

00:49:05.000 Are you telling her what to do?

00:49:07.000 Is she an employee or do you give her the business?

00:49:08.000 I just give it to her.

00:49:09.000 I say, you can have the whole trap.

00:49:11.000 I'm going to give this dude a chance.

00:49:13.000 And it was weird because I had no more money.

00:49:13.000 Wow.

00:49:16.000 I couldn't ride around in my flashy Cadillac anymore.

00:49:19.000 You had a Cadillac?

00:49:19.000 Is that what you did?

00:49:20.000 Yeah, because I had a learner's license.

00:49:22.000 And with a learner's license, you need a licensed driver.

00:49:26.000 So I would hire a crackhead for a day.

00:49:29.000 Different crackheads.

00:49:30.000 Hey, you got a driver's license?

00:49:31.000 I'm going to supply you a crack every hour.

00:49:31.000 Get in the car.

00:49:34.000 I just need the police pull out your fucking license so I can drive with my learner's license.

00:49:39.000 Holy shit.

00:49:41.000 That's how I learned how to drive.

00:49:42.000 A crackhead taught me how to drive.

00:49:43.000 That is crazy.

00:49:46.000 So you're driving crackheads around just so that you could drive.

00:49:50.000 That enabled you to do your business?

00:49:52.000 Yes, to drop off dope, pick up dope.

00:49:54.000 You would think the crackheads would go, this chick is fucking 15 and she's got this crazy business.

00:49:58.000 They were scared of me.

00:49:58.000 Oh, I ran shit.

00:49:59.000 I need to get my shit together.

00:50:01.000 They were scared of me.

00:50:03.000 How did you have your shit together like that at 15?

00:50:05.000 Was it just necessity?

00:50:06.000 I had to fucking survive.

00:50:07.000 Just necessity.

00:50:08.000 You know what my husband told me?

00:50:09.000 He said, it has a lot to do with my granddaddy.

00:50:12.000 My granddaddy used to sell, he was a bootleg looker, bootleg house or whatever you call it.

00:50:19.000 So he said, I never saw anybody work in my family.

00:50:22.000 Everybody hustled.

00:50:23.000 So I guess I got those skills from him.

00:50:26.000 It makes sense.

00:50:27.000 If you grow up seeing something like that, you think that's how people are supposed to live.

00:50:30.000 And everybody thought I was grown, Joe.

00:50:32.000 Nobody knew I was fucking 15. I mean, I had two kids and other kids selling drugs for me.

00:50:38.000 And everybody was like, yes ma'am, no ma'am.

00:50:41.000 And one day they was like, how old are you?

00:50:43.000 And I said, 16. They were like, you fucking 16?

00:50:46.000 I had like eight cars, a learner's license.

00:50:50.000 A fleet of crackheads waiting.

00:50:53.000 Yes, they were like, hey, hey, Rabbi, you want me to drive for you today?

00:50:56.000 You want me to ride in the car?

00:50:57.000 And I was just supplying rocks and they smoked the rock while I'm riding around with Run DMC and whoever was out at the time, you know, Invo, pumping my music while they smoking crack because I needed a licensed driver in the car.

00:51:08.000 Wow.

00:51:10.000 That is so crazy.

00:51:12.000 Now, how old were you when you got popped?

00:51:15.000 You know what?

00:51:16.000 I had a police officer off some beard.

00:51:18.000 He said, I know you're selling crack, bitch.

00:51:21.000 He said, but I'm not going to lock you up until you're 17. Because when this crack first hit the black community, everybody went to jail at 18 and you went to juvenile at 17. But people just go down there.

00:51:31.000 Your kids get caught with a fucking half a key of cocaine and you can get them right out of juvenile.

00:51:36.000 Because they didn't really know how to handle the situation.

00:51:38.000 So they changed the age from 18 to 17. Your ass go to jail at 17 in Georgia.

00:51:44.000 So I had a birthday, April the 2nd.

00:51:46.000 That fucker had me in jail, April the 5th to 6th, some shit like that.

00:51:50.000 Wow.

00:51:51.000 I had a cousin that in the morning, everybody went to school except my cousin.

00:51:55.000 So my cousin, I would drop her off, say, hey, sell this, and I'd be right back, I'm going to park the car.

00:51:59.000 So a crackhead was like, rabbit, the police is up on the hill on the ground laying down.

00:52:05.000 Before I could make it back to pick up my cousin, she was like 15, he went down there and fucking arrested her and took her to where she hid the drugs at.

00:52:15.000 And so he issued a warrant for me.

00:52:17.000 So I couldn't say it.

00:52:18.000 No, he had been on the hill taking pictures all day.

00:52:20.000 I mean, all morning.

00:52:22.000 So that's how I got my first drug charge.

00:52:24.000 So how long did you go away for?

00:52:26.000 Oh, I didn't go away then.

00:52:27.000 I got probation.

00:52:28.000 And then I got popped again.

00:52:30.000 And then I was in jail a year.

00:52:32.000 So when you got probation, did you have any idea, like, okay, I can get caught for this real easy.

00:52:39.000 I got to get out of this business?

00:52:40.000 Yeah.

00:52:40.000 No, I was like, fucking, I thought I was fucking Al Capone.

00:52:44.000 I was untouchable.

00:52:45.000 I had money.

00:52:46.000 It's like, fuck you, I'll be out in no time.

00:52:49.000 And back then, when you first went to jail, like I told you, they used to give you bonds, but they stopped giving you bonds.

00:52:54.000 So I remember I needed, I had to have a bond here, so I had to pay for the judge in Atlanta to have fucking dancers, and he gave me a $2,500 bond.

00:53:03.000 And I was out that night.

00:53:04.000 They have dancers?

00:53:05.000 Paid for his hoes.

00:53:05.000 What do you mean?

00:53:07.000 What?

00:53:08.000 The judge.

00:53:08.000 Whose hoes?

00:53:09.000 You paid for the judge's prostitutes?

00:53:12.000 Hoes.

00:53:13.000 They was dancers.

00:53:14.000 They was having a party.

00:53:15.000 Okay.

00:53:16.000 So my lawyer was like, you got to put in a few extra money.

00:53:18.000 He's going to give you a bond, but you got to put in a few extra money.

00:53:21.000 So I put in extra money, paid for the hoes, and they gave me a $25,000 bond.

00:53:26.000 I called my friend Frog, who I was selling drugs with at the time because we was partners.

00:53:30.000 Like, come fucking get me.

00:53:32.000 So the judge went and took your money and got prostitutes.

00:53:36.000 That's hilarious.

00:53:38.000 I've never seen it, but that's what the lawyer, you know.

00:53:41.000 That's what the lawyer said?

00:53:42.000 Yeah, so.

00:53:43.000 Can't verify that.

00:53:44.000 Can't go forward with this information.

00:53:47.000 It was true.

00:53:48.000 I bet it was.

00:53:49.000 I mean, that's one of those things that people would know about.

00:53:51.000 Did you hear about that?

00:53:52.000 There's a judge that got caught.

00:53:53.000 Everybody was crooked back then.

00:53:54.000 Oh my God.

00:53:55.000 They're still crooked.

00:53:56.000 That's a bad position to put a person in.

00:53:58.000 Do you remember the judge's name?

00:53:59.000 Was it Judge Matthews?

00:54:01.000 No.

00:54:02.000 Who's Judge Matthews?

00:54:03.000 He's a great judge.

00:54:05.000 Who is that?

00:54:06.000 Is that one of those celebrity judges?

00:54:08.000 Oh, oh, oh.

00:54:09.000 Yeah, there's something about being a judge that I think is an unhealthy position.

00:54:12.000 I don't think anybody should have that kind of power over someone.

00:54:15.000 Like, to decide to send someone to jail, to not send someone to jail, send someone to jail for 30 days or 90 days.

00:54:22.000 I just think that kind of power...

00:54:26.000 I think there should be rules, most certainly, but I think that kind of power bestowed upon a person to make that sort of a decision at their own discretion is just, it's too much.

00:54:34.000 It's too much responsibility.

00:54:35.000 You can't trust someone to be totally ethical and not fucking crazy.

00:54:39.000 And people change too, they get more crazy as they get older, and they get more crazy with ego, you know?

00:54:44.000 People get nutty.

00:54:45.000 There's a lot of nutty people that get a little bit of attention and then they just fucking go off the deep end.

00:54:50.000 Go off the deep end, believe their own bullshit.

00:54:52.000 And if you're a judge, everyone's kissing your ass all day.

00:54:56.000 But you wear the robes, you come in the honorable, they fucking, everybody has to rise when you come into the room.

00:54:56.000 All day.

00:55:02.000 What kind of shit is that?

00:55:03.000 Everybody else has to stand up because you're here and they call you the honorable?

00:55:08.000 Get the fuck out of here.

00:55:09.000 There was a guy they busted recently and was using a penis pump.

00:55:12.000 While he was presiding over cases, he had a penis pump.

00:55:16.000 That's awesome.

00:55:17.000 High bitches walk in and he pump up his penis.

00:55:19.000 He's sitting there talking to people and underneath the table, he's jerking himself off with a giant tube and a pump.

00:55:28.000 And they're like, what are you doing, man?

00:55:31.000 And they catch homeboy.

00:55:32.000 My foot went flat.

00:55:40.000 It's just a guy.

00:55:42.000 No one deserves to be a judge.

00:55:45.000 No one.

00:55:45.000 You can't be a judge.

00:55:47.000 You can't be the king either, by the way.

00:55:48.000 You can't be a president.

00:55:50.000 That shit was for dumb people that didn't know any better.

00:55:53.000 In 2014, with the information that we have today, we should know.

00:55:57.000 All we need is Google.

00:55:59.000 All we need is let people vote on shit, okay?

00:56:02.000 Let the entire country vote on every goddamn thing that gets done, ever.

00:56:06.000 You can't have one person that has any oversight or power over everybody else, whether it's a judge or anything.

00:56:15.000 I mean, I don't know how you would do it as far as cases, as far as prosecuting people.

00:56:19.000 I don't know how you would do it without a judge, but there's got to be a better way.

00:56:22.000 You ever been in jail?

00:56:23.000 No.

00:56:25.000 It's a horrible thing.

00:56:26.000 The food is horrible.

00:56:27.000 I went to Alcatraz when I was a little kid, and they closed the cell, and they leave you in there for about five seconds.

00:56:33.000 I'm a friend in San Francisco, so every time I go, he's like, you want to visit Alcatraz?

00:56:36.000 I was like, look, you dumb fuck.

00:56:38.000 You don't ask a convicted felon do they want to just volunteer and visit a fucking old jail.

00:56:43.000 No, I don't want to visit Alcatraz.

00:56:45.000 I've been to jail before.

00:56:46.000 I know what it looked like.

00:56:47.000 There's something also about people that go to jail.

00:56:49.000 It's a lot like people that have been to war or people that have gotten over some very traumatic event is that they have a certain kind of strength.

00:56:57.000 There's a certain kind of strength that a person has when they're the people that decide, like, I am fucking never going back there.

00:57:03.000 Well, yeah, some people, like, I got some brothers that have been in and out of jail all their fucking life.

00:57:08.000 Some people like going back.

00:57:09.000 My brother-in-laws do.

00:57:10.000 For me, when I miss my daughter going to kindergarten, We're good to go.

00:57:21.000 We're good to go.

00:57:34.000 Probably hate you for the life that you chose, you know, to help her.

00:57:39.000 She didn't realize I was doing this shit so I could make better for you.

00:57:43.000 You know, me missing school and me missing her go to kindergarten and, you know, me selling drugs and hurting people.

00:57:50.000 Me and my daughter did not have a fucking bond for a long time.

00:57:54.000 So when I brought my husband into her life, she immediately bond with him.

00:57:58.000 But I was always the bad person.

00:58:01.000 Wow.

00:58:02.000 Well, she probably looked at him as like the savior.

00:58:04.000 He was the savior.

00:58:05.000 He was the savior.

00:58:06.000 She has a bond out of this world.

00:58:07.000 Now we talk every day.

00:58:09.000 And you know, another thing is when I went to prison, then I got out and I really fucking hate it.

00:58:15.000 And I hate to say this.

00:58:17.000 I see your podcast is so fucking big.

00:58:18.000 Hope people don't take it the wrong way.

00:58:19.000 I hated gay women.

00:58:21.000 Why?

00:58:22.000 I don't know.

00:58:23.000 I could deal with gay men, but I saw so much of that shit in jail.

00:58:26.000 No, I've never been with a woman.

00:58:27.000 Nobody fucked with me because I fought all the time.

00:58:29.000 But I just hated the shit.

00:58:31.000 And then when it came into my life, my daughter is gay, I was like, oh fuck, how stupid am I? You can't judge people on their sexuality.

00:58:40.000 So all during my, when I was raising my daughter...

00:58:44.000 She always ended up getting a gay fucking cheerleading coach.

00:58:47.000 And I hated this bitch.

00:58:48.000 And my daughter know I hated gay women.

00:58:51.000 But my daughter was gay.

00:58:53.000 So that's another thing that did not allow her to bond with me.

00:58:56.000 Because she knew my hatreds for gay women.

00:59:00.000 Wow, that's intense.

00:59:02.000 Holy shit.

00:59:03.000 So...

00:59:04.000 Answer me this if you can.

00:59:06.000 What do you think it is about the black community that shuns gay people or shuns like gay marriage?

00:59:11.000 Because that was like a big issue in California here.

00:59:13.000 They had Proposition 8. Proposition 8. Is that what it is?

00:59:17.000 The Bible?

00:59:17.000 It's religion.

00:59:18.000 Yeah?

00:59:18.000 Black people believe no matter what.

00:59:21.000 They believe it's a God.

00:59:23.000 We go into heaven or hell.

00:59:26.000 That's just how we talk.

00:59:27.000 And I think a lot of that shit comes from because our ancestors were slaves.

00:59:31.000 I think it just rolled on through the genius.

00:59:33.000 But we believe.

00:59:35.000 So that's what it is?

00:59:36.000 Yes.

00:59:36.000 But it seems it's so, in this style, 2014, you know, it seems so discriminatory when you see that people are born gay.

00:59:44.000 Well, you know what?

00:59:45.000 I have a gay daughter that I'm very supportive of, and I don't feel that way anymore.

00:59:49.000 It's almost like a white dude and his daughter bring home a white guy's daughter bring home a black dude.

00:59:55.000 I mean, you're either going to get over it or fucking jump off of a bridge and realize that you're the person that has the problem, not them.

01:00:01.000 And that's what I had to realize.

01:00:02.000 You know, because these bitches was eating pussy in jail and I didn't like them.

01:00:06.000 Well, these are not the gay people who my daughter's bringing over.

01:00:11.000 So now I'm very fucking supportive.

01:00:13.000 Whatever makes my daughter happy.

01:00:15.000 Plus, you got to remember, here I am, 15 years old, getting fucking dogged out by her daddy.

01:00:21.000 Beat on, shot on, fucking knocked around, cheated on.

01:00:24.000 You know, she just saw so fucking much that I think, you know, fucking like, fuck men, them niggas ain't right.

01:00:30.000 So I think that's part of the issue too.

01:00:33.000 She say she was born gay.

01:00:35.000 I say, in my fucking womb, bitch, the ultrasound, you was not licking anything.

01:00:42.000 So, I mean, do I know?

01:00:44.000 I don't know if she was born gay, but she's gay and I support her decision to be gay.

01:00:49.000 That's my firstborn and I love the hell out of her.

01:00:51.000 You know, like when she first came out, when she went to college and she left town because she knew how much I hated gay women.

01:00:57.000 And I ain't seen my own fucking child for three years.

01:01:00.000 I would try to contact her.

01:01:01.000 She was out in the world, been homeless.

01:01:03.000 And I was like, what is your fucking problem?

01:01:05.000 What is your problem?

01:01:06.000 I said, if you gay, just say you gay.

01:01:08.000 She said, I'm gay.

01:01:09.000 I said, well, can you come home, bitch?

01:01:10.000 Because I miss you.

01:01:11.000 It's been three fucking years.

01:01:14.000 And now we talk every day.

01:01:16.000 And I love the hell out of my daughter.

01:01:18.000 I got a wonderful daughter-in-law.

01:01:20.000 They look just like...

01:01:21.000 Who did I say she look like?

01:01:26.000 Paula Poundstone?

01:01:29.000 No, Paula Poundstone.

01:01:35.000 Robin Thicke.

01:01:36.000 My daughter-in-law looks like Robin Thicke.

01:01:39.000 Paula Poundstone, you wrong, Joe.

01:01:41.000 You remember her?

01:01:42.000 No, but I've seen her.

01:01:46.000 She's a stand-up.

01:01:47.000 I know who Paula Poundstone is.

01:01:51.000 So, you know, I'm a supportive mom now.

01:01:54.000 I mean, I love my daughter.

01:01:55.000 I love my kids to death.

01:01:57.000 I have four of them, you know.

01:01:58.000 And we talked about the shit that I've taken her through from putting the drugs in her underwear to, you know, me dropping out of school.

01:02:05.000 She was there.

01:02:06.000 But she must feel different about you now.

01:02:08.000 I'm her fucking hero now.

01:02:10.000 And she's mine.

01:02:11.000 I mean, because she did something that I never had an opportunity to do.

01:02:15.000 She didn't get pregnant in high school.

01:02:16.000 She went on and graduated.

01:02:20.000 When she graduated, Joe, I said, I fucking made it.

01:02:25.000 I thought it was nothing else.

01:02:26.000 You could have killed me that day.

01:02:27.000 Because you know why?

01:02:29.000 None of my cousin kids graduated.

01:02:31.000 Nobody else.

01:02:32.000 My fucking Ashley is walking down this aisle.

01:02:35.000 I made it.

01:02:36.000 I couldn't stop crying.

01:02:38.000 And she was like, what are you crying for?

01:02:39.000 I was like, if only you knew what I did to get you to this point.

01:02:43.000 You broke a fucking cycle that has been going on in my family for three generations.

01:02:48.000 I didn't even cry like that when I took her to college.

01:02:50.000 But boy, when she graduated high school, I pick up that diploma once a week and say, bitch, we made it.

01:02:58.000 And a high school diploma ain't worth shit.

01:03:01.000 It's about as equals to my GED that I got at the house.

01:03:06.000 Yeah, today, right?

01:03:07.000 Yeah.

01:03:07.000 Even a college diploma, it's so hard.

01:03:10.000 You hear stories about people getting out of college and looking for a job now.

01:03:13.000 It's like, it's so confusing.

01:03:14.000 It is.

01:03:15.000 I mean, it's hard.

01:03:16.000 I tell my kids all the time I made my money, you could probably ever do doing shit that you really want to do.

01:03:22.000 Because when you go to college, you're going for, you know, you don't really know what the fuck you want to do.

01:03:26.000 You want to go and get high and fuck the first year.

01:03:28.000 Yeah.

01:03:29.000 At least.

01:03:29.000 That's all my daughter.

01:03:30.000 My daughter went to college, and you know what?

01:03:32.000 I paid for her tuition the whole three years she was there.

01:03:35.000 That's because you would not struggle.

01:03:37.000 Do you know she went to college and ate pussy on my dime?

01:03:42.000 She ate pussy on my dime like crazy.

01:03:45.000 She was trying to find herself.

01:03:46.000 Yes, in somebody else's self.

01:03:51.000 Losing back teeth and shit?

01:03:53.000 I was like, you gotta stop eating Medicaid.

01:03:54.000 Losing back teeth?

01:03:55.000 Yeah, I was like, you gotta stop eating Medicaid pussy.

01:03:57.000 You gotta eat Blue Cross Blue Sheer pussy.

01:03:59.000 You lose your back teeth when you eat pussy?

01:04:01.000 When you eat bad pussy, Joe.

01:04:03.000 What defines bad pussy?

01:04:04.000 I don't know.

01:04:05.000 I can call my daughter and you can ask her.

01:04:07.000 It's thrush.

01:04:08.000 It's a bacterial infection and it rots your gums.

01:04:12.000 I don't know, but, you know.

01:04:15.000 That is crazy.

01:04:17.000 Wow.

01:04:17.000 That's a hilarious story.

01:04:19.000 It's gotta be a nice thing to be where you're at now, though.

01:04:23.000 Yes.

01:04:24.000 I'm happy.

01:04:25.000 How long have you been doing stand-up?

01:04:26.000 11 years.

01:04:27.000 I've been married 23. Wow.

01:04:29.000 So 11 years ago, this person at the welfare office tells you you should do stand-up.

01:04:35.000 So what do you do from there?

01:04:36.000 I go home and I told my husband, I was like, my caseworker say I'm funny.

01:04:40.000 He's like, can you sit down and be quiet?

01:04:42.000 So I said, I'm going to go to open mic.

01:04:44.000 He was like, go home, Pat.

01:04:46.000 My husband's not the type.

01:04:47.000 He's not going to say, don't do it either.

01:04:49.000 Whatever.

01:04:49.000 Because I was in the process.

01:04:50.000 My son's husband saw me go from a drug dealer to forging checks to fucking...

01:04:55.000 I got a little vending service at the Georgia Dome when Michael Vick first became our quarterback.

01:05:00.000 So I'm making a ton of money with inner city kids with a non-profit organization.

01:05:05.000 So he saw me go from that and then all of a sudden you want to be a stand-up.

01:05:08.000 He's like, how many times are you going to change your career?

01:05:10.000 I said, until I fucking find myself.

01:05:12.000 So I get my girlfriend, which is a long story short, my baby's daddy, baby mama, lived around the corner from me.

01:05:19.000 This is a chick he show up at the hospital after I give birth to his first child.

01:05:23.000 So we became best friends.

01:05:28.000 I swear we raised the kids as cousins.

01:05:31.000 Because she had a baby by him too.

01:05:33.000 So I get her and I was like, this caseworker said I'm funny.

01:05:35.000 Let's go to open mic.

01:05:37.000 And I go up there, Joe, and I fucking killed.

01:05:39.000 First time.

01:05:40.000 I told a story about my brother was a professional cat burglar, but he was fat.

01:05:45.000 So he kicked this lady door in one time.

01:05:47.000 He's like, freeze, bitch, I'm the FBI. Give me your TV and your VCR. So he stashed on TV and ran out the door.

01:05:54.000 Because he broken houses every day.

01:05:55.000 And that was my first joke.

01:05:57.000 That's hilarious.

01:05:59.000 And so when you did that, did you write any of this shit out?

01:06:01.000 I didn't know because I grew up and I started in an urban room.

01:06:05.000 So I started to follow the urban trail.

01:06:07.000 I suck dick.

01:06:08.000 I eat booty.

01:06:09.000 You know how the black people do the shit.

01:06:13.000 You seen Def Jam.

01:06:15.000 So I kind of...

01:06:18.000 I look up and I got that drug dealer mentality.

01:06:21.000 I was like, well, I'm not sticking out.

01:06:23.000 I'm doing everything these motherfuckers doing.

01:06:25.000 And I was like, it's got to be something better here.

01:06:27.000 I'm not growing.

01:06:28.000 I'm making $50 a week.

01:06:30.000 This ain't how the dope game work.

01:06:31.000 Because everything is like the dope game to me.

01:06:34.000 It must elevate.

01:06:35.000 And so, when my husband got a transfer to...

01:06:35.000 Right.

01:06:38.000 It was either Detroit, St. Louis, or Indianapolis.

01:06:41.000 And I was like, you're not going to kill my kids in those other cities.

01:06:44.000 And he chose...

01:06:45.000 I wanted to go to Texas, so he chose Indianapolis.

01:06:48.000 So, I walk into a mainstream club at the time, which was Morty's.

01:06:52.000 And I got this urban flair.

01:06:55.000 And they was like, not here, bitches.

01:06:56.000 We don't do roaches jokes.

01:06:59.000 Roaches jokes?

01:07:00.000 Yeah, roaches.

01:07:01.000 You know how you see a black...

01:07:02.000 Yeah, you ever had a roach?

01:07:03.000 Drink out your Kool-Aid.

01:07:05.000 Yeah.

01:07:05.000 Oh, I get it.

01:07:07.000 Yeah, you know, you know, roaches.

01:07:09.000 You know, and then you got the jokes about the government cheese and shit.

01:07:14.000 So when I moved to Indianapolis, they were like, you can't do that shit here.

01:07:18.000 You know, nobody have fucking roaches.

01:07:20.000 What the fuck are you talking about?

01:07:21.000 So it forced me to open up to my life that I had, which was way more interesting.

01:07:28.000 Wow, so you were trying to just do what everybody else was doing and then go into this white neighborhood...

01:07:33.000 Going to the white neighborhood when we moved, fuck me up.

01:07:37.000 It fucked me up.

01:07:40.000 That's a great club to go to.

01:07:41.000 Yeah, it is.

01:07:42.000 Morty's in Indianapolis?

01:07:43.000 It's a great club.

01:07:43.000 Yes.

01:07:44.000 I've worked there before.

01:07:45.000 And it was a little black owner at the time.

01:07:48.000 Well, he's in jail for bank robbery now.

01:07:50.000 Motherfucker.

01:07:51.000 Bank robbery?

01:07:52.000 He robbed a bank?

01:07:53.000 How long ago did he do this?

01:07:54.000 Last year with no guns.

01:07:55.000 Last year?

01:07:56.000 Just showed him all 32 of his cavities.

01:07:58.000 Get up!

01:07:59.000 And she gave me...

01:08:02.000 So when I got to Indianapolis, I had to change who I was.

01:08:06.000 So I had to find myself.

01:08:08.000 And I just started talking about my life, which was kind of embarrassing.

01:08:13.000 Two kids at 15, dropped out in the 8th grade.

01:08:15.000 You know, you're thinking people are going to fucking...

01:08:16.000 I thought I was the only teenage mom on the road.

01:08:19.000 I thought I was the only bitch.

01:08:20.000 And I am the only one probably missing a nipple that's going to tell.

01:08:23.000 But all this stuff that happened to me, I thought it was just me.

01:08:26.000 Then I learned fucking teenage pregnancy happened in every race.

01:08:30.000 Yeah.

01:08:31.000 Well, there's a whole show on it.

01:08:32.000 Yeah.

01:08:33.000 Where the fuck was that show at when I had my baby?

01:08:35.000 You're better off without it.

01:08:37.000 You're better off becoming you and now getting famous.

01:08:41.000 You can handle it better.

01:08:42.000 Yes.

01:08:43.000 So when I got to Indianapolis, it changed.

01:08:45.000 I moved to a white neighborhood and I just started to work on my set.

01:08:50.000 So do you write material or do you always talk about your life?

01:08:55.000 I write stuff about being married, kids.

01:08:58.000 Most of my stuff is personal, where everybody gets it.

01:09:02.000 My life, being a drug dealer, I talk a lot about my mom, who was an alcoholic mom, who used to give me the worst advice.

01:09:10.000 She would say shit like, reach for the stars, and I hope you hit the sun and burn up.

01:09:15.000 So I thought that shit was true.

01:09:18.000 I told my husband the other day.

01:09:20.000 My mom was so fucking stupid.

01:09:22.000 I'm not going to say she was stupid.

01:09:24.000 She didn't know shit.

01:09:25.000 She couldn't read, so she would force me to read her horoscope.

01:09:28.000 But what she didn't know, I couldn't read either.

01:09:31.000 So I would just make up shit.

01:09:34.000 Every day I made up bullshit.

01:09:37.000 Bullshit and she went for it.

01:09:38.000 Like I would say, cause she would shoot at us.

01:09:40.000 Like she told a.22 pilster.

01:09:42.000 Cause she was, my mama was a very small lady.

01:09:45.000 So she walked around a.22 pilster.

01:09:46.000 She just carried it everywhere?

01:09:47.000 Oh yeah.

01:09:48.000 And we're like, we wouldn't wash the dishes.

01:09:49.000 Pop out!

01:09:49.000 Wash them goddamn dishes!

01:09:50.000 She would shoot it into the ceiling?

01:09:52.000 Yes.

01:09:53.000 And when it rained, it showed.

01:09:55.000 So when it rained, water would come dripping through the holes that she left by shooting the ceiling.

01:10:00.000 And she's like, why the fuck the ceiling, Lincoln?

01:10:01.000 Because, bitch, you don't put 22 of them holes in the ceiling.

01:10:04.000 What the fuck are you talking about?

01:10:06.000 Wow.

01:10:07.000 That's a way to motivate kids, though.

01:10:07.000 Yeah.

01:10:09.000 And we were scared of her.

01:10:11.000 We were scared of her.

01:10:11.000 I bet.

01:10:12.000 She had a gun.

01:10:13.000 She had a fucking gun.

01:10:15.000 She just never pointed at her.

01:10:17.000 She was like, pow, pow, just shoot a light out.

01:10:19.000 Wow.

01:10:20.000 So.

01:10:21.000 God damn.

01:10:22.000 But we got used to it.

01:10:23.000 Like, here's your mama with this bullshit.

01:10:26.000 Did she ever shoot at you?

01:10:27.000 Mm-mm.

01:10:28.000 She shot at me one time.

01:10:28.000 Anybody?

01:10:30.000 Ha ha ha!

01:10:54.000 I was on the phone.

01:10:56.000 Get off the phone with that motherfucker.

01:10:57.000 He's going to get you pregnant.

01:10:58.000 That's somebody else's husband.

01:10:59.000 So I tell my kid's father.

01:11:00.000 I was like, hold on while I go ahead and lay her down.

01:11:02.000 And she was only like 98 pounds.

01:11:04.000 So I picked up and I laid her in the bathroom on the floor.

01:11:07.000 And I was like, you stay right there until I get through talking to my baby daddy.

01:11:10.000 What I didn't know, Joe, is that bitch could crawl.

01:11:12.000 She crawled out that bathroom like military style with that shotgun and shot at my ass.

01:11:18.000 I flew out the door.

01:11:20.000 She shot at you with a shotgun?

01:11:22.000 She got it out the closet.

01:11:22.000 With a shotgun.

01:11:25.000 She shot at you with a shotgun because you were on the phone with a man and you put her on the floor.

01:11:30.000 Yeah, I put her on the floor and she couldn't get up.

01:11:32.000 So I was like, if you don't stop shooting, who the fuck gonna get you off the floor?

01:11:35.000 Oh my god.

01:11:36.000 So how did you guys resolve that?

01:11:38.000 She ran out of bullets.

01:11:41.000 What did she shoot?

01:11:42.000 Did she shoot just holes in your house?

01:11:43.000 Yeah, she would just shoot up anything.

01:11:45.000 We would get evicted.

01:11:46.000 She didn't give a fuck.

01:11:47.000 You were getting evicted?

01:11:48.000 You would be watching the TV and she would tell you to move.

01:11:51.000 She would blow the motherfucker out if you didn't move.

01:11:54.000 Really?

01:11:55.000 How many times did she shoot the TV? Just once.

01:11:55.000 Yeah.

01:11:58.000 Because we couldn't afford another one.

01:11:58.000 God.

01:12:00.000 There was only two.

01:12:01.000 One for the kids and one for her.

01:12:04.000 How much material do you think, like, I would say, if you're going to become a big-name stand-up comedian, you're going to have to put out a bunch of specials, right?

01:12:11.000 Yeah.

01:12:12.000 So if you put out, how many specials can you do on your life before you have to start talking about other shit?

01:12:18.000 Probably four or five.

01:12:19.000 Four or five specials just on your life.

01:12:21.000 Because you know what?

01:12:22.000 A lot of stuff that I remember, like it was so, at the time, like I can laugh at it now, but back then it was pain.

01:12:28.000 So I didn't get on drugs like my sister did.

01:12:31.000 My brother didn't get on drugs to deal with bullshit that we was going through.

01:12:35.000 I just stayed, you know, sober and thought these motherfuckers was crazy.

01:12:38.000 So to get rid of the pain, I just kept...

01:12:41.000 Putting it in the back of my head.

01:12:43.000 I didn't want to remember it.

01:12:44.000 So when I became a comic, all of this shit started rushing through my brain.

01:12:48.000 And I have to ask my sister, bitch, is this real?

01:12:51.000 I just asked my sister the other day.

01:12:52.000 My granddaddy ran a bootleg house.

01:12:54.000 So in this bootleg house, I had a retarded uncle named Uncle Cecil that was crippled.

01:12:59.000 But my granddaddy would buy him pussy on Friday.

01:13:02.000 But me and my sister would have to go in there with the prostitute and hold his legs back until he get his dick in before we could go outside and play.

01:13:10.000 So I called her up and I said, is this shit real?

01:13:13.000 You had to hold his legs back.

01:13:15.000 Because he's a cripple.

01:13:16.000 You know how when they knees knock him?

01:13:17.000 So he couldn't get it in until we moved his fucking legs back.

01:13:22.000 Wow.

01:13:23.000 I remember one time I was like, hurry up.

01:13:25.000 Probably eight.

01:13:27.000 I was like, Uncle C, put it in and stop fucking smiling because he was retarded.

01:13:31.000 He smiled all the time.

01:13:33.000 Oh, that's so awful.

01:13:37.000 I know, it's so fucking awful.

01:13:38.000 And I asked my brother, I was like, do y'all remember this shit?

01:13:41.000 And I'm going crazy.

01:13:42.000 And I called my brother last week and I said, my mama used to have this theory.

01:13:47.000 She said, when it rains and the sun is shining, the devil was beating his wife.

01:13:53.000 You ever heard that?

01:13:54.000 And then she said if it would rain and the lightning and the sun would shine, he caught the bitch cheating.

01:13:54.000 Yes.

01:14:00.000 My mom would say, you should beat the bitch because she don't believe in God.

01:14:06.000 What are you talking about?

01:14:08.000 You crazy bitch!

01:14:10.000 I used to think they stole me, Joe.

01:14:12.000 Nobody could be born into this fucking crazy family.

01:14:16.000 He should beat her.

01:14:17.000 She doesn't believe in God.

01:14:19.000 Holy shit.

01:14:20.000 And she's shooting at you.

01:14:22.000 She's shooting at us.

01:14:24.000 Just think of the irony in that.

01:14:27.000 Does God want you shooting your fucking kids?

01:14:30.000 Jesus Christ.

01:14:32.000 She's like, I can't hit you, but I can pull a trigger.

01:14:34.000 Oh my God.

01:14:36.000 And we would scatter her ass for years.

01:14:36.000 Wow.

01:14:39.000 Well, in her defense, probably very hard to raise a bunch of kids.

01:14:39.000 We would scatter her.

01:14:42.000 What happened to her back?

01:14:44.000 Someone slammed her on her back?

01:14:45.000 Okay, we lived in the projects.

01:14:46.000 She was the candy lady.

01:14:48.000 The candy lady.

01:14:49.000 Candy lady.

01:14:50.000 That's the lady in the hood that sell the freeze pop, the candy, the cookies to the kids.

01:14:55.000 And my mama did it because we was in the projects and that money helped her with her light bills or whatever the fuck.

01:15:00.000 And she used to talk shit to the security guard.

01:15:02.000 This was back before the projects were really dangerous.

01:15:05.000 So, the security guard was like, Mildred, you cannot sell candy because it's fucking earned income and you're not reporting.

01:15:12.000 But he was just fucking with her because my mama talked a lot of crap.

01:15:15.000 So, she's like, oh, fuck you, security guard, you ugly fake.

01:15:18.000 Whatever she said.

01:15:19.000 So, he came on.

01:15:20.000 He said, I'm going to come whoop your ass.

01:15:21.000 And I had to be about probably seven.

01:15:23.000 That dude came in and beat the dog shit.

01:15:26.000 I was into wrestling at the time.

01:15:27.000 He was in the DDT and the shit out of my mama.

01:15:31.000 And before he came in the house, she gave me and my sister the can.

01:15:34.000 She's like, go flush this shit.

01:15:35.000 He on the way.

01:15:36.000 So we're in the bathroom popping pixie sticks like cocaine, eating this shit.

01:15:40.000 He in there whooping her ass.

01:15:41.000 So he hit her up against the wall and fucked her spine up.

01:15:45.000 Whoa.

01:15:46.000 So she sued the housing authority, but she couldn't read and the fucking lawyer took all the money and we got put out of the projects.

01:15:51.000 Ugh.

01:15:52.000 So, oh, that's what, when it damaged her spine, like, she could no longer hold her neck up.

01:15:58.000 Like, if she be talking, that bitch fall over, so she had to keep us to keep her neck up while she was driving.

01:16:03.000 Oh, my God.

01:16:05.000 One incident with this guy did that.

01:16:08.000 She was, like, 90 pounds.

01:16:08.000 Yes.

01:16:10.000 What happened to him?

01:16:11.000 I don't know.

01:16:12.000 I was a kid.

01:16:14.000 I remember going to court and testifying, you know.

01:16:14.000 I don't really know.

01:16:18.000 That's so hard to hear.

01:16:19.000 That's so hard to hear.

01:16:20.000 I got great jokes about it, you know.

01:16:22.000 Great jokes?

01:16:25.000 Like, she would do shit, even though her neck was fucked up, she was determined to do normal neck people shit, like go across the track too fast.

01:16:33.000 Normal neck people shit?

01:16:34.000 Like go across the track too fast.

01:16:36.000 Right.

01:16:36.000 And one time, she had a 64 Chevy that used to bounce, and she loved, like, old music.

01:16:41.000 So we're in there just bouncing, listening to B.B. King, and she gonna beat the train.

01:16:44.000 That bitch hit that first track, and that neck went back.

01:16:47.000 She's like, pick my neck up, bitch, the train coming!

01:16:49.000 My sister slapped the shit out of her neck, and it went through the 64 steering wheel.

01:16:54.000 Oh, no.

01:16:55.000 So I had to jump over the seat and hold her neck up while she driving across the track.

01:16:58.000 She pull over.

01:16:59.000 You bitches hit me too hard.

01:17:01.000 My sister's like, bitch, the train was coming.

01:17:03.000 God, you bitches hit me too hard.

01:17:03.000 Oh, my God.

01:17:06.000 Holy shit.

01:17:08.000 So she could walk, and she could use her feet, but she just had a bunch of issues.

01:17:13.000 How do you know about that?

01:17:13.000 She couldn't suck dick.

01:17:14.000 She had a boyfriend, but I hope she couldn't suck dick, because she never calls in there to pick her neck up.

01:17:20.000 Is that where you would draw the line?

01:17:22.000 I would have went and picked her neck up.

01:17:23.000 I had my cripple uncle fuck.

01:17:25.000 It just seems different though.

01:17:27.000 It seems like one more level.

01:17:29.000 I mean, everything went.

01:17:31.000 I saw, it's nothing that I did not see as a kid.

01:17:35.000 Did you say murder?

01:17:36.000 Fuck yeah.

01:17:37.000 I tell you, before I tell you about him, I saw more murder when I was a drug dealer.

01:17:41.000 That's when I really saw murder.

01:17:42.000 But I had a guy that lived in our backyard.

01:17:45.000 Well, we lived in some apartments.

01:17:47.000 And this is when Hair Run and shit came out very popular.

01:17:52.000 In the black community.

01:17:53.000 So my next door neighbor used to shoot up, but my mama used to shoot up too, but it was diabetic medication.

01:17:58.000 So I would walk out there.

01:17:59.000 I walk outside one day on the back porch and I'm sitting there.

01:18:02.000 So he shoot up what I thought was diabetic medication.

01:18:04.000 He get butt ass naked.

01:18:06.000 Joe run over to me, bend over and was like, rabbit, get the rat out of my ass.

01:18:10.000 So I'm looking up this dude asked for a rat.

01:18:12.000 And I'm like, J-Baz, no rat in your ass.

01:18:15.000 Your diabetes is fucking up.

01:18:16.000 I was like, the rat is hanging in the front.

01:18:19.000 So he thought...

01:18:20.000 He got naked every weekend.

01:18:21.000 Nobody said shit.

01:18:23.000 And you were telling him it was his diabetes medicine?

01:18:25.000 Well, that's what I thought it was.

01:18:26.000 That is hilarious.

01:18:28.000 Diabetes medicine has you thinking it's a rat up your ass.

01:18:28.000 That's what I fucking...

01:18:32.000 But it was heroin.

01:18:33.000 I learned...

01:18:34.000 We learned later that he was shooting heroin.

01:18:36.000 So when he got naked on Friday, we were like, J-Bet just high.

01:18:38.000 He be alright.

01:18:39.000 It was only one day he got naked?

01:18:41.000 No.

01:18:41.000 He got naked every time he shot drugs.

01:18:43.000 How many days a week did he shoot drugs?

01:18:46.000 Shit.

01:18:47.000 Two, three?

01:18:48.000 So two or three days a week he was naked on heroin.

01:18:51.000 Some people care.

01:18:52.000 Some people care.

01:18:53.000 You know he was an engineer for a living.

01:18:57.000 An engineer like he designed things?

01:18:59.000 Yes, that's what he did for a living.

01:19:01.000 He got on hair run.

01:19:02.000 Not like an engineer running a train.

01:19:04.000 No, not like that.

01:19:05.000 He designed shit.

01:19:07.000 He was like fucking corporate America.

01:19:09.000 He was the shit.

01:19:10.000 That's amazing.

01:19:11.000 But he came to the ghetto and got high and take off.

01:19:15.000 He felt so embarrassed once his high came down.

01:19:18.000 Wow.

01:19:20.000 And people would just let J-Bo walk around naked.

01:19:22.000 I wonder if that's like his way of releasing all the stress of keeping it all wrapped up tight in corporate America as an engineer.

01:19:30.000 I think he'd think stuff was crawling on him.

01:19:37.000 So he was just getting naked and digging his ass and we'd be like, oh, J-Bell's just naked.

01:19:41.000 He just hides.

01:19:42.000 That's in his ass.

01:19:43.000 Before we moved in this set of apartments, I would go to the wrestling match every week.

01:19:48.000 When we moved in this set of apartments, I stopped going because it was nothing to see people fighting and, you know, motherfuckers out there acting on food.

01:19:56.000 It was more interesting to sit on my back porch and it was real.

01:19:59.000 Wow, that is crazy.

01:20:02.000 That has got to be so bizarre.

01:20:03.000 Be that young, you've got to pull one guy's legs apart to help him fuck.

01:20:10.000 That's the norm.

01:20:11.000 And then you've got another guy that's running around naked and he's on heroin.

01:20:14.000 That was the norm.

01:20:15.000 When you're in that situation, nothing else seems...

01:20:18.000 What you're doing, the right shit, is out of place.

01:20:21.000 What I'm doing, this is what I'm used to.

01:20:24.000 That's the weird thing about human beings.

01:20:26.000 They're very adaptable.

01:20:27.000 That's what they're saying about people that live in any country and watch tribal people.

01:20:32.000 And you go, why don't these people don't have any TVs?

01:20:34.000 They don't have any electricity?

01:20:36.000 They don't even know what that is.

01:20:37.000 This is normal to them.

01:20:39.000 You see people in those villages they find in the Amazon.

01:20:42.000 They don't have any contact with human beings.

01:20:44.000 We feel bad for them.

01:20:45.000 But what are they doing?

01:20:47.000 They're just being people.

01:20:48.000 Being people that figured out how to live there, you know?

01:20:51.000 And you were a person who figured out how to live in your wild world.

01:20:55.000 My wild world.

01:20:56.000 That was a wild world.

01:20:57.000 I mean, it might as well just have been the wild of the Amazon or the wild of the forest or the wild of the city.

01:21:03.000 It's just wild.

01:21:04.000 There's varying degrees, right?

01:21:06.000 There's places where shit is just wild.

01:21:06.000 Yeah.

01:21:09.000 And where you were living, craziness.

01:21:12.000 Someone should make a movie...

01:21:14.000 About your life.

01:21:15.000 That's what you should do.

01:21:16.000 You should write a movie.

01:21:18.000 All the best stories.

01:21:19.000 Completely, totally factual.

01:21:22.000 Completely, totally accurate.

01:21:24.000 Insane.

01:21:24.000 That would be a fucking chaotic movie.

01:21:27.000 Yeah, for a 15-year-old girl, wasn't it?

01:21:29.000 15-year-old girl to get her tit shot off while she's holding her baby and dealing drugs.

01:21:34.000 And this guy's running around naked.

01:21:35.000 He's got a rabbit up his ass.

01:21:39.000 You're thinking he's on diabetes medicine.

01:21:41.000 I was naive.

01:21:42.000 Fuck.

01:21:43.000 Oh, that's nothing.

01:21:44.000 Let me tell you more stories.

01:21:45.000 Please do.

01:21:46.000 Please do.

01:21:46.000 So, when I... I was about...

01:21:48.000 Probably about...

01:21:49.000 Like I said, I was about 10 or 11, so I had a really nice figure.

01:21:52.000 So, I learned...

01:21:53.000 You were 10?

01:21:53.000 You had a nice figure?

01:21:54.000 I was fuckable since it's third grade, honestly.

01:21:57.000 Wow.

01:21:58.000 Are you sure?

01:21:59.000 Yes.

01:22:00.000 Do you have pictures?

01:22:01.000 So how do you know?

01:22:01.000 No.

01:22:03.000 I remember everybody used to say I was fine and I didn't know what fine was.

01:22:07.000 Wow.

01:22:08.000 And I tell you this story.

01:22:09.000 So I'm about 10 or 11. So sometimes I could just walk away from home.

01:22:12.000 Nobody gave a fuck.

01:22:13.000 So I go downtown to the local Hilton Hotel because I said, I want to go see what white people are doing.

01:22:19.000 You know, rich white people because I thought everybody stayed at the Hilton was rich.

01:22:23.000 You know, and plus I went in there because we didn't have no fucking AC. So I was standing in front of the door when the doors open, the AC hit me in my fucking face.

01:22:29.000 So I'm standing at the phone booth one day and this white man say, hey, you want to come go to my room with me?

01:22:34.000 I'm like, huh?

01:22:35.000 And then he thought like he was jacking his dick.

01:22:38.000 And I was like, okay.

01:22:40.000 Honestly, I go to his room, Joe, and he had me jack his dick.

01:22:45.000 And I jacked this white man dick.

01:22:47.000 And he paid me $100.

01:22:49.000 I'm like, are you going to fucking be here tomorrow?

01:22:53.000 So I'm thinking this is my first job.

01:22:55.000 I go home and tell my mom I got a job downtown jacking white men dicks for $100.

01:23:00.000 You told her that?

01:23:01.000 Yeah, she wanted to go.

01:23:03.000 Oh my God.

01:23:07.000 Where the fuck you gonna get $100 in the ghetto for Jack and Dicks?

01:23:11.000 You might get some oatmeal cookies.

01:23:13.000 You ain't gonna get no damn $100.

01:23:14.000 Oh my god.

01:23:15.000 Oh my god.

01:23:16.000 Oh my god.

01:23:19.000 How old were you at the time?

01:23:20.000 I think I was 11. You were 11. You told your mother you got a job jacking off white men's dicks for $100 and she wants to go with you.

01:23:29.000 Yeah.

01:23:30.000 That might be the craziest fucking story you've told so far.

01:23:32.000 I said they're not hiring.

01:23:34.000 You're too fucking old.

01:23:35.000 You're not fucking this up.

01:23:36.000 Oh, no.

01:23:37.000 You're not fucking this up.

01:23:38.000 She only had four teeth and she wasn't really cute.

01:23:44.000 It's funny that you have to qualify that.

01:23:46.000 She had four teeth, but she was cute as fuck.

01:23:48.000 No, she wasn't cute at all.

01:23:50.000 I mean, once you only have four teeth, it's like, what is really cute?

01:23:57.000 Your tongue.

01:23:58.000 Something about being toothless is not that appealing to us.

01:24:01.000 Wow, that is so crazy.

01:24:03.000 Your mom wanted to go with you.

01:24:05.000 Yeah.

01:24:06.000 When I was...

01:24:08.000 Where was all this going?

01:24:10.000 What city is this again?

01:24:11.000 It really started in the bootleg house.

01:24:11.000 Atlanta.

01:24:14.000 This is when I knew she was fucked up.

01:24:16.000 Like, on Friday, my grandfather's customers would fall asleep.

01:24:19.000 And while they were asleep, my mama would make me rob them.

01:24:24.000 And for every person that I robbed, I got $5 per person.

01:24:28.000 And I probably was $7 or $8.

01:24:31.000 I remember that shit like yesterday.

01:24:33.000 And I told her, I said, you taking advantage of me, I should be making more money.

01:24:38.000 So I asked her for 10% because I've been watching Sesame Street, but neither one of us knew what the fuck 10% was.

01:24:46.000 You asked her for 10% of the robberies because you were watching Sesame Street?

01:24:51.000 Yeah.

01:24:52.000 Oh my God.

01:24:53.000 So she didn't know what it was, and so I was like, it's $10.

01:24:56.000 So she gave me $10 for every wallet that I stole.

01:25:00.000 And I fucking would get up on Saturday morning and play Pac-Man till the fucking sun go down.

01:25:07.000 I only did it because I wanted to play Pac-Man.

01:25:11.000 That is incredible.

01:25:13.000 Yeah.

01:25:14.000 What a crazy invite.

01:25:14.000 Now, growing up and then getting past that and looking back on it, like when you were asking, did this really happen or am I crazy?

01:25:24.000 How does that feel now when you tell these stories?

01:25:26.000 You being this normal person now, as normal as you can be, having children that are doing great, living in the suburbs, staying calm, this has got to feel like another life, right?

01:25:40.000 It is another life.

01:25:42.000 Yeah.

01:25:43.000 Wow.

01:25:44.000 It used to hurt me.

01:25:46.000 I would cry when this shit come up.

01:25:49.000 I have this whole thing in life and shit going to get me down.

01:25:53.000 I learned that from a fourth grade teacher.

01:25:55.000 I used to go to school.

01:25:56.000 I was a stinking kid.

01:25:57.000 I was a poor kid.

01:25:58.000 But I had a teacher named Miss Truth.

01:26:01.000 That would tell me, Patricia, get here earlier and I will bring you clean clothes and I will comb your hair.

01:26:06.000 So we were in the bathroom one day and she just was combing my hair and she said, I want you to remember that you can be anything in the world you want to be.

01:26:13.000 All you got to do is believe.

01:26:16.000 And that lady just died this year.

01:26:17.000 And when I did time in prison, anytime I got low or anytime I wanted to question something that I was trying to do in life, I went back to Miss Truth.

01:26:26.000 Because to me, she was the first person to ever believe in me.

01:26:31.000 And I'm 42 years old.

01:26:33.000 And I still fucking quote Ms. True.

01:26:36.000 That's crazy.

01:26:37.000 Isn't it amazing how one person like that can have an impact?

01:26:40.000 Think of those two people's impacts.

01:26:41.000 The one lady that told you you were funny and then that lady.

01:26:44.000 The caseworker is my godmama now.

01:26:46.000 I still talk to her every day.

01:26:48.000 Wow.

01:26:49.000 Yeah.

01:26:50.000 She must be blown away.

01:26:52.000 She must be blown away by that.

01:26:54.000 When I got more in depth with the stories, like, you know, after I tell you all the stories, it'll probably take a month.

01:27:02.000 You know, it's...

01:27:03.000 People call me, can you tell me this story one more time?

01:27:07.000 And a lot of times they remind me of shit.

01:27:09.000 How many, do you write these down?

01:27:11.000 Do you write them down?

01:27:12.000 You just confident you're going to remember them all?

01:27:14.000 I do remember them all.

01:27:16.000 I guess.

01:27:17.000 Well, it's like the sex that you're working on.

01:27:19.000 Like now I talk about my mom and my ex and I talk about being married.

01:27:23.000 So I really don't need the crippled uncle Jack and Dick.

01:27:26.000 You know, right now.

01:27:27.000 I tell that story later on in life on stage.

01:27:29.000 I talk about being a drug dealer.

01:27:31.000 You know, just the basic.

01:27:33.000 Just stretching the surface.

01:27:34.000 Right.

01:27:35.000 You know, because I'm not a star, so there's only so much you can put out there before you make your fucking audience cry.

01:27:40.000 Uh-huh.

01:27:41.000 So, you know, when you become Chris Rock, they'll take anything from you.

01:27:45.000 But I'm a mis-pack fucking nobody.

01:27:47.000 I gotta give it to them easy.

01:27:49.000 And you gotta remember, I'm a fucking black woman talking to a white audience.

01:27:53.000 Most of my fans are white.

01:27:55.000 Why is that?

01:27:56.000 I have no fucking idea.

01:27:58.000 But I appreciate y'all to the fullness.

01:28:00.000 Hey, I love the fucker.

01:28:01.000 I don't give a fuck if you had one eye.

01:28:03.000 Thank you for supporting me.

01:28:05.000 What do you think it is about the audience being all white?

01:28:08.000 Like, how'd that happen?

01:28:11.000 I don't know.

01:28:12.000 Honestly, I don't.

01:28:13.000 I did a radio show called Bob and Tom in Indianapolis.

01:28:16.000 That's where I got a lot of them from.

01:28:17.000 And they just started coming.

01:28:19.000 I mean, I would go into that mainstream club, you know, mostly white people, and I would tell these stories and people would be like, wow.

01:28:26.000 And I still have people be like, I want to cry.

01:28:29.000 I was like, get the fuck away from me.

01:28:30.000 I'm not fucking crying over this shit.

01:28:32.000 I'm over it.

01:28:33.000 Wow.

01:28:33.000 So it's just because they don't have anything like that in their life.

01:28:37.000 I think people like to know that you overcame.

01:28:41.000 You know, I could be on crack like my sister.

01:28:42.000 My sister been smoking crack from day one.

01:28:44.000 She been on drugs all her life.

01:28:46.000 And I think that's how she dealt with her pain of fucking molestation and all that bullshit that we went through as kids.

01:28:53.000 She'll never admit it because she haven't faced up to the problem yet.

01:28:57.000 But with me, I just packed the shit in the back of my head.

01:29:00.000 So I think when I tell my stories, people at home going through whatever they're going through, and they're like, fuck, I thought my problem was big.

01:29:08.000 But hell no, this bitch had to pull a cripple uncle's leg back and help him stick his dick in at eight.

01:29:13.000 So you realize your life ain't as bad as you.

01:29:16.000 I think after you hear my story, you're like, oh, fuck, I had good parents.

01:29:21.000 It's the feel-good story of the year.

01:29:24.000 God, I can't even imagine.

01:29:27.000 So, 11 years ago you started telling this on stage and when you first started doing it, were you doing open mic nights?

01:29:35.000 Well, I started talking about my life about six years ago when I moved to Indianapolis.

01:29:40.000 So six years ago.

01:29:41.000 Yeah.

01:29:42.000 So the five years before that you were doing all black clubs?

01:29:44.000 Yeah.

01:29:44.000 All in Atlanta?

01:29:45.000 Mm-hmm.

01:29:46.000 And so then you were more like everyone else around you just trying to like do whatever everybody else did, try to get laughs?

01:29:53.000 So moving to Indianapolis, is that when you started getting paid work or were you getting paid work before that?

01:29:53.000 Yeah.

01:29:59.000 I started getting paid work in Indianapolis.

01:30:02.000 I became a comedian.

01:30:04.000 I was bullshitting the whole first time.

01:30:06.000 And my husband used to always say, nobody want to hear that chicken shit on stage.

01:30:09.000 And I didn't know what he was talking about.

01:30:11.000 He was like, it's not funny.

01:30:12.000 I mean, he wouldn't say it to hurt my feelings, but he wouldn't support it.

01:30:16.000 He never would come see me.

01:30:18.000 He's like, that ain't funny.

01:30:20.000 You know, anybody can talk.

01:30:21.000 Why are you going to talk about Your bedroom on stage.

01:30:24.000 And I was like, oh, you just fucking hating.

01:30:26.000 But when I became Miss Pat, who I am today, with my life, he's more supportive.

01:30:31.000 Like, when I said I'm going to do Joe Rogan podcast, he was like, here's my credit card.

01:30:36.000 But before, I'm not giving you no money to go tell him fucking roast jokes.

01:30:41.000 So it makes a difference.

01:30:43.000 Like, he only seen me once.

01:30:45.000 What?

01:30:46.000 Yes, once.

01:30:47.000 Cat Williams, when I opened for Cat Williams, he invited him out.

01:30:51.000 That's the only time he's ever seen you?

01:30:53.000 Because you know what he said?

01:30:54.000 I was never funny to him.

01:30:56.000 I was always serious.

01:30:58.000 And he said people just laughed at what I said.

01:31:01.000 They thought I was trying to be funny, but I was just being mean.

01:31:06.000 So, for him, it wasn't funny?

01:31:08.000 No.

01:31:09.000 Because, you know what?

01:31:09.000 When I did Bob and Tom, and I talk about being my baby daddy shot me in the head, another dude shot me in the titty.

01:31:15.000 His co-workers listening, they're like, you shot your wife's titty off!

01:31:20.000 He's like, that wasn't fucking me!

01:31:21.000 That wasn't fucking me!

01:31:25.000 Oh my God!

01:31:26.000 He's constantly asking abuse questions about me!

01:31:29.000 Oh my God!

01:31:29.000 He's like, you snap your wife with a skin!

01:31:31.000 Like, dude, that was not fucking me!

01:31:33.000 That was the dude before me!

01:31:35.000 Oh, that is crazy.

01:31:36.000 I was so broken before I met this dude.

01:31:38.000 Wow.

01:31:40.000 Is your nipple, like, together still, or is it just, like, gone?

01:31:44.000 No, no, it's there.

01:31:45.000 It's a little damaged, but it's there.

01:31:48.000 And you have a piece in it still, right?

01:31:50.000 No, what I was saying, when I do my mammogram and they smash my boob, you can see the gun, what is it called?

01:31:58.000 The gun, the...

01:31:59.000 The fragment on my mammogram.

01:32:01.000 You see bullet fragments?

01:32:02.000 Wow.

01:32:02.000 Yes.

01:32:03.000 Little spots, and they look like breast cancer, but they know it's not breast cancer, so they have on my chart, and my mammogram office been shot in the right titty, missing nipple.

01:32:11.000 Did they say titty on your mammogram?

01:32:13.000 Or whatever, boo, breast.

01:32:16.000 Yeah, if your doctor's calling a titty, you might want to, where's your fucking certificate, man?

01:32:20.000 Can I see where your diploma is?

01:32:22.000 Well, I'm old school.

01:32:22.000 They always titties, Joe.

01:32:24.000 Always?

01:32:25.000 Yeah.

01:32:26.000 That's a good name for them.

01:32:28.000 I got no problem with that.

01:32:29.000 What do you call them?

01:32:30.000 Titties are great.

01:32:31.000 Okay.

01:32:32.000 I have a friend who says...

01:32:33.000 My friend Steve says titties for things that are good.

01:32:35.000 He's like, we're going on a titties camping trip.

01:32:38.000 I say tits.

01:32:39.000 That means it's good.

01:32:40.000 I say tits like, that's tits.

01:32:41.000 Or the tits.

01:32:42.000 Yeah.

01:32:43.000 Boobs?

01:32:44.000 I got a titty.

01:32:44.000 I don't have boobs.

01:32:45.000 My shit hangs like balls.

01:32:47.000 And I have to put grease up on them so they'll slide across my stomach easily so they don't fucking create fraction and make a sore.

01:32:53.000 Oh no, really?

01:32:55.000 I got real shit joked.

01:32:56.000 We were talking about your husband before the podcast started about he became a vegan.

01:33:00.000 Lost a ton of weight.

01:33:02.000 Lost over 100 and something pounds.

01:33:04.000 That's crazy.

01:33:04.000 Yeah.

01:33:05.000 His health was going down.

01:33:07.000 I mean, knees and shit hurt and everything.

01:33:09.000 And he just said, I'm not eating this shit anymore.

01:33:12.000 Well, if you're 100 pounds overweight, just imagine...

01:33:15.000 My husband was a big guy.

01:33:16.000 He was a big guy.

01:33:17.000 Carrying an extra 100 pounds.

01:33:19.000 Everywhere you go, you have to put 100 pounds on your shoulders.

01:33:22.000 Everything will start breaking after a while.

01:33:24.000 That's what most people are doing that are 100 pounds overweight.

01:33:26.000 They just don't think about it, right?

01:33:28.000 Yeah.

01:33:28.000 So he got his shit together, became a vegan, haven't eaten meat in two years.

01:33:33.000 Wow.

01:33:34.000 That's crazy.

01:33:35.000 Did you stick food in his face?

01:33:36.000 Like, smell this bitch?

01:33:38.000 My husband is so fucking strong-minded.

01:33:38.000 It don't bother me.

01:33:41.000 This motherfucker went on a 40-day water.

01:33:44.000 Just pure water.

01:33:45.000 I was like, are you fucking crazy?

01:33:47.000 Well, you can't live on just water food.

01:33:48.000 He dropped so much weight just on water and went to work every day.

01:33:53.000 That's crazy.

01:33:54.000 You're not supposed to do that.

01:33:55.000 That's what I told him.

01:33:56.000 I said, it's some stupid fucker on YouTube that told him he can live off water.

01:34:02.000 I was like, look at your fucking titties.

01:34:04.000 They're fucking just gone.

01:34:06.000 You need to eat something.

01:34:08.000 40 days of no eating?

01:34:10.000 He went 40 days of no eating.

01:34:12.000 Did you drink juice?

01:34:13.000 He didn't even brush his fucking teeth.

01:34:13.000 Nothing.

01:34:15.000 He brushed it with water.

01:34:17.000 There had to be supplements or some kind of...

01:34:20.000 No, he didn't.

01:34:20.000 I'm telling you, he lived on water.

01:34:23.000 Well, let's see.

01:34:24.000 How many days do you think it says online?

01:34:25.000 I'm not saying his story's not true, but if you Google...

01:34:28.000 I can call him and you can ask him.

01:34:29.000 No, I believe him, but I'm saying how many days do you think it says online that you could only drink water before you die?

01:34:36.000 I did a 10-day water lemon fast where I couldn't...

01:34:40.000 No, he didn't do no lemon.

01:34:41.000 Brian, how many days?

01:34:41.000 He did all the water.

01:34:42.000 I would say you could live to be 30 days with just water and maybe some stuff.

01:34:48.000 I think it's 21. You'd be dead like the last two weeks.

01:34:52.000 I think that's like, isn't that the story behind Drunken and Afraid?

01:34:56.000 Who's that?

01:34:57.000 Not Drunken and Afraid, Naked and Afraid.

01:34:59.000 Don't they say that?

01:35:01.000 Like it's 21 days is the day?

01:35:04.000 Okay, let's find out.

01:35:05.000 Can you live off only water?

01:35:07.000 We'll go to Yahoo Answers.

01:35:10.000 It says, depending upon your body fat, the average person can go from a week to one month or so without food.

01:35:19.000 So this guy went 40 days.

01:35:21.000 He probably hit the boundaries of what's possible.

01:35:25.000 He was shaking so bad.

01:35:27.000 And I was like, can you please fucking eat?

01:35:29.000 How are you just going to down me?

01:35:30.000 I don't even know where the policy is.

01:35:32.000 That is so crazy.

01:35:34.000 He had to do some kind of supplement.

01:35:36.000 Okay, there's a hunger strike Wikipedia page.

01:35:38.000 Apparently you could live as many as 74 days.

01:35:42.000 That's the longest a person's ever gone with just having water.

01:35:46.000 Oh my god.

01:35:48.000 Hunger striker is dying after 52 to 74 days.

01:35:51.000 So 74 is a big one.

01:35:56.000 That's ridiculous.

01:35:57.000 Yeah.

01:35:58.000 Gandhi apparently went through a bunch of hunger strikes.

01:36:03.000 I didn't know Gandhi was alive so long ago.

01:36:08.000 It was 1922. The only way I can go on a hunger strike is if they shut down all the Chick-fil-A's.

01:36:16.000 Do you get mad on Sunday?

01:36:18.000 Why does Chick-fil-A have to be so religious that can't be open on Sunday?

01:36:21.000 Well, by that time, I don't fucking soak all of that crap into my body so much.

01:36:24.000 I love Chick-fil-A so much, I made my son get his first job there so we can get a discount.

01:36:29.000 Wow.

01:36:31.000 It was, um, there's certain people that are famous hunger strikers, apparently.

01:36:37.000 A guy who fasted to death, his name is, uh, boy, try to pronounce his name, J-A-T-I-N Das, D-A-S. Jatin Das, maybe?

01:36:48.000 Um, it was 116th day of his fast, they gave up their hunger strike, surpassing the 97-day world record for hunger strikes, which was led by an Irish revolutionary.

01:37:01.000 So apparently you can fucking do that.

01:37:03.000 You can not eat for 40 days like your husband did.

01:37:06.000 He's crazy though.

01:37:07.000 Like he was probably on death's door.

01:37:09.000 I know.

01:37:10.000 He was so fucking weak.

01:37:11.000 And he went to work and worked.

01:37:12.000 My husband built the transmission for Allison Transmission.

01:37:16.000 That's a crazy way to decide to lose weight.

01:37:19.000 I mean, he just wanted to cleanse his body.

01:37:22.000 Of cells.

01:37:24.000 But you know, his skin turns so pretty.

01:37:27.000 I found him because he's about to die.

01:37:30.000 His skin's skin changed?

01:37:32.000 Yeah, it became super smooth.

01:37:35.000 How many days into his fat?

01:37:36.000 I didn't really, because I traveled.

01:37:38.000 At that time, I was traveling a lot.

01:37:41.000 So, you know, I come home and I was like, God damn, you're losing a lot of weight, dude.

01:37:44.000 Then I found him on a fucking water fast.

01:37:46.000 I was like, you need to fucking eat.

01:37:48.000 Yeah, did he ever get to a point where you were worried about him falling asleep driving?

01:37:52.000 No, not really falling asleep driving.

01:37:54.000 I was worried about him fucking.

01:37:55.000 He was always cold.

01:37:57.000 So I was like, you cold, you about to die.

01:37:59.000 What the fuck are you going to leave me here with these children for?

01:38:01.000 I got to do gigs.

01:38:05.000 Wow!

01:38:06.000 So then after 40 days he starts eating?

01:38:08.000 He starts eating.

01:38:09.000 And what did he eat?

01:38:11.000 He started to, like, fruit.

01:38:14.000 He went into fruit first.

01:38:15.000 He's real gentle?

01:38:16.000 Yeah.

01:38:17.000 That's gotta be a big shock to your system.

01:38:18.000 Yeah, that's what he said.

01:38:19.000 He didn't want to shock his system.

01:38:21.000 He does his shit all the time.

01:38:22.000 He don't go that long anymore.

01:38:23.000 He might go 20 days, 15 days.

01:38:26.000 Whoa, really?

01:38:27.000 I've heard of people doing like six days of juice.

01:38:30.000 That's it.

01:38:30.000 You want me to call him and ask him?

01:38:31.000 No.

01:38:32.000 Listen, I'm not questioning.

01:38:33.000 I'm just saying I don't know anybody who's ever done that.

01:38:35.000 That's a very extreme dude.

01:38:37.000 He's just like that.

01:38:39.000 I tell you, he used to smoke cigarettes and nobody knows this.

01:38:43.000 And he just stopped.

01:38:45.000 And he started back one time when I got arrested.

01:38:48.000 He went to court with me when I was getting my life together and I needed my driver's license.

01:38:52.000 And the judge said, you have $5,000 worth of traffic tickets.

01:38:57.000 How you want to pay this?

01:38:59.000 And so my husband was like, your honor, I can only get $500 out during the day.

01:39:04.000 That's it.

01:39:05.000 He said, well, you got to go get some money.

01:39:07.000 We're going to lock her ass up.

01:39:08.000 He started back smoking because he never been to jail.

01:39:11.000 Wow.

01:39:12.000 Wow.

01:39:15.000 That's the hardest one, probably quitting smoking.

01:39:16.000 No, he went cold turkey.

01:39:18.000 And after I got out of jail, he stopped.

01:39:21.000 He did it again about a week.

01:39:22.000 He always do every fucking thing cold turkey.

01:39:25.000 Joe, I've been trying to lose weight forever.

01:39:27.000 I've tried all the nice shit out there.

01:39:30.000 Nutrisystem did work, but I can't afford the shit.

01:39:32.000 So now I'm back at my X-Lax diet because that's really cheap.

01:39:36.000 X-Lax diet?

01:39:36.000 Yeah.

01:39:37.000 What's the X-Lax diet?

01:39:38.000 You take it and shit your brains out.

01:39:40.000 Oh, no.

01:39:42.000 And he gets mad at me because I do X-Lax and I get mad at him because he do water.

01:39:42.000 I said it.

01:39:48.000 Yeah, I think X-Lax is probably worse for you than water.

01:39:51.000 I know, I do the mild form.

01:39:53.000 The mild form of X-Lax?

01:39:55.000 But I mean, all that's due, it's a diuretic, right?

01:39:58.000 I mean, what does it do?

01:39:59.000 It makes me shit.

01:40:00.000 Yeah.

01:40:01.000 Off pounds.

01:40:02.000 Like if I can eat a cheeseburger and I really want to get rid of this cheeseburger.

01:40:05.000 It blows right through you?

01:40:06.000 It blows right through me.

01:40:09.000 It's the po' bitch diet, okay?

01:40:10.000 That is not a way to do it.

01:40:13.000 I know, Joe, but sometimes I can't resist Chick-fil-A. I like coffee, and I really can't drink coffee because I got sensitive nipples.

01:40:22.000 Coffee makes my nipples really sore.

01:40:25.000 What?

01:40:26.000 I'm serious.

01:40:27.000 Coffee makes your nipples sore?

01:40:28.000 Caffeine fucks my breasts up.

01:40:30.000 I got caffeine breasts.

01:40:31.000 I'm called caffeine breasts.

01:40:32.000 And women out there who's listening, they know I'm telling the truth.

01:40:35.000 So this is a common term?

01:40:36.000 Caffeine breasts?

01:40:37.000 Yes.

01:40:37.000 When you drink too much caffeine, it fucks with your titties.

01:40:40.000 So I just went and had a mammogram on just my left titty two weeks ago.

01:40:45.000 Wow.

01:40:46.000 Because I had too much caffeine.

01:40:47.000 So when I lay off the caffeine, my breast stopped being soaked.

01:40:50.000 But I like Chick-fil-A coffee.

01:40:53.000 Fibrocystic breast changes.

01:40:54.000 See, that's the medical term.

01:40:54.000 That's what it's called.

01:40:56.000 Yeah, fibrocystic breast changes.

01:40:58.000 God damn it, you Google everything.

01:40:59.000 I do.

01:41:00.000 I'm constantly curious.

01:41:03.000 Yeah, pain or discomfort in both breasts.

01:41:05.000 Pain goes with the period but can last through the entire month.

01:41:09.000 Breasts feel full, swollen, and heavy.

01:41:12.000 Yeah.

01:41:13.000 And caffeine does that to my breasts.

01:41:15.000 Well, my nipples are hard to set in the bra after wrapping in tissue paper.

01:41:21.000 Wow, that's crazy.

01:41:22.000 But coffee fucks me up, but I love it.

01:41:24.000 Some women get it from eating chocolate, drinking caffeine, or eating high-fat foods.

01:41:28.000 It causes their symptoms.

01:41:30.000 But according to this medical page, there's no clear proof of what's causing it.

01:41:36.000 When I come off of caffeine, my titties start being sore.

01:41:41.000 Honestly, I know my titties.

01:41:43.000 Well, it makes sense.

01:41:44.000 Fibrocystic breast changes.

01:41:46.000 Fibrocystic breast.

01:41:46.000 That's what it's called.

01:41:47.000 Painful, lumpy breasts.

01:41:49.000 Yes, lumpy.

01:41:50.000 And it almost makes you feel like you feel a lump.

01:41:53.000 So I went in two weeks ago and I was like, I'm very paranoid because breast cancer runs in my family.

01:41:57.000 On my daddy's side.

01:41:59.000 So I was like, just check my damn titties so my doctor knows that I'm a comedian.

01:42:03.000 You say it that way to your doctor?

01:42:04.000 Yes, I say any fucking thing to my doctor.

01:42:06.000 I fucking love my doctor.

01:42:06.000 Really?

01:42:08.000 Like when he's giving me a gynecology visit, I be like...

01:42:10.000 How do this Blue Cross Blue Shield pussy look, Doc?

01:42:17.000 So they gave me a mammogram on one breast.

01:42:19.000 It's like, you don't have any fucking lumps.

01:42:21.000 Lay off the damn coffee.

01:42:22.000 Oh, that's all it is.

01:42:23.000 That's fascinating.

01:42:25.000 Is there anything that does that to your dick?

01:42:25.000 That's amazing.

01:42:27.000 Do you have fibrocystic dick cells?

01:42:30.000 When you're a woman and you turn about 40, your body's like a 64 Chevy.

01:42:35.000 You must repair that bitch.

01:42:36.000 Like, honestly, since we're friends now, I tell you.

01:42:39.000 So when I turned 40, my cycle came on one day and wouldn't go off.

01:42:43.000 So I had to go in there.

01:42:44.000 I don't know the medical term, but I know you're going to Google it.

01:42:48.000 They have to burn the inside of your vagina.

01:42:50.000 Oh, good Lord.

01:42:52.000 And they burnt my vagina, Joe.

01:42:54.000 And they were beatboxing for like three weeks.

01:42:57.000 It didn't hurt.

01:42:59.000 So I called my doctor.

01:43:01.000 I was like, my pussy is singing.

01:43:03.000 Can you stop my pussy from singing?

01:43:05.000 So it was like air?

01:43:07.000 No, it was healing.

01:43:08.000 It was healing?

01:43:09.000 Yes.

01:43:10.000 So in the healing it was popping?

01:43:12.000 It sounded like it was making music.

01:43:15.000 What kind of healing was going on there?

01:43:16.000 I don't know, but it was like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

01:43:19.000 I could almost feel it in my stomach.

01:43:21.000 And my doctor knew I'm a comedian.

01:43:22.000 And I was like, I'm a serious doctor and my pussies beatboxing.

01:43:25.000 So I go up there and he said it was healing.

01:43:27.000 So essentially they had a cauterize?

01:43:29.000 Is that the term you use?

01:43:30.000 Yeah, something like that.

01:43:31.000 So you were bleeding so much that they had to go in there and...

01:43:33.000 They either do two things.

01:43:34.000 They either burn the inside of you or they give you a hit the rectum.

01:43:37.000 And I didn't want a hysterectomy.

01:43:39.000 So there was no other way to stop the bleeding?

01:43:41.000 No.

01:43:41.000 Good lord.

01:43:42.000 They just break down.

01:43:43.000 We use it so much.

01:43:46.000 That's a crazy feeling.

01:43:48.000 They burnt the inside of you to cool everything off.

01:43:51.000 Not to cool it off.

01:43:52.000 To stop the flow.

01:43:53.000 Yeah.

01:43:54.000 That's crazy.

01:43:55.000 Yeah.

01:43:56.000 God, there's extra things that women have to worry about.

01:44:00.000 Breast cancer is one.

01:44:02.000 Like, they say dudes get breast cancer, but, you know, I'm like, name one.

01:44:05.000 All y'all got to worry about is drop penises.

01:44:06.000 That's it.

01:44:07.000 And then they, yeah, soft wieners.

01:44:10.000 Yeah, but they fix that.

01:44:12.000 They have pills for that.

01:44:13.000 Yeah, but they don't have anything for broken titties and broken vaginas.

01:44:17.000 You know, dry assholes.

01:44:21.000 I know people get their vaginas tightened up.

01:44:25.000 I've heard that's unbelievably painful though.

01:44:27.000 Really?

01:44:28.000 Yeah, they go in there and fucking, you know, a woman's had a few kids and their vagina's all blown out.

01:44:33.000 It doesn't blow it out.

01:44:34.000 It's still got some grip.

01:44:35.000 You gotta use your stomach.

01:44:36.000 Depends.

01:44:36.000 Depends on the woman.

01:44:38.000 Depends on the woman.

01:44:39.000 I know what you're saying, but there's realities about the shape of the body, like stretch marks.

01:44:44.000 A lot of that's genetic.

01:44:46.000 Some people get stretch marks.

01:44:47.000 Some people do not.

01:44:48.000 Beyonce don't have any, does she?

01:44:50.000 No.

01:44:50.000 Probably got just crazy genes.

01:44:52.000 Some people, they stretch way the fuck out and have a kid and it all goes right back into place.

01:44:56.000 It's amazing.

01:44:57.000 And then some people, one kid and they're Dunsville.

01:45:00.000 The whole thing, the whole package is just done.

01:45:03.000 I know.

01:45:04.000 Like someone just drove a truck through a water balloon.

01:45:06.000 My daughter-in-law is like that.

01:45:07.000 I was like, don't have a baby because this baby is going to fuck up your figure.

01:45:12.000 I said, you young girls need to stop fucking trying to be mamas.

01:45:15.000 Take your body and abuse them.

01:45:17.000 Have fun.

01:45:18.000 Have a baby when you're fucking in your late 30s before it's about to dry out.

01:45:22.000 Don't give a man an opportunity to fuck up your flat stomach.

01:45:28.000 But what if she wants a baby more than she wants a flat stomach?

01:45:29.000 She had a fucking baby.

01:45:30.000 Now she's fat.

01:45:31.000 And she's fucking all out of shape.

01:45:33.000 And she's still trying to wear that sexy shit.

01:45:35.000 And I'm like, no, boo-boo.

01:45:37.000 Take them whole shorts off.

01:45:38.000 It's not gonna work.

01:45:39.000 You missed your opportunity.

01:45:41.000 I told you don't let my fucking son get you pregnant.

01:45:43.000 Oh, no, boo-boo.

01:45:45.000 Take that whole shit off.

01:45:48.000 Take that whole shit out.

01:45:49.000 I told you not to let my son get you pregnant.

01:45:52.000 Holy shit, that's funny.

01:45:53.000 There was a thing in the news the other day where ages 18 to 24 are twice as likely to get vaginal surgery than most women.

01:46:02.000 I guess it's really popular with the young kids now to get the Barbie cut where they chop off all the lips and everything so it's just the line.

01:46:10.000 Oh, labia surgery, man.

01:46:12.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:46:13.000 Who doing that?

01:46:15.000 Who want a lipless pussy?

01:46:17.000 It's the porn.

01:46:19.000 People are trying to get the porn look.

01:46:21.000 That must be exactly what it is.

01:46:23.000 These kids are crazy.

01:46:25.000 Everybody wanted their lips.

01:46:27.000 What is vagina lips called?

01:46:28.000 Labia.

01:46:29.000 Labia?

01:46:30.000 Labia?

01:46:30.000 Labia.

01:46:31.000 Everybody wanted their labia.

01:46:32.000 I only read it.

01:46:33.000 I never say it.

01:46:35.000 Who would cut their vaginally apart?

01:46:37.000 What's going to catch the stuff that's coming out of it?

01:46:39.000 I know.

01:46:40.000 It's going to catch the stuff that's coming out of it.

01:46:42.000 I mean, the panty line is there to catch it after it falls, but it's got to run down the sides.

01:46:47.000 Meat curtains.

01:46:48.000 Meat curtains.

01:46:49.000 Yeah.

01:46:50.000 I don't know.

01:46:51.000 I think it is pornography, though.

01:46:53.000 Because you think about pornography, it's so bright and visual.

01:46:58.000 If you've got a camera, if you're having sex with someone, there's a lot of stuff going on, right?

01:47:05.000 There are faces in your face, you're kissing, you're touching each other.

01:47:09.000 But if you're watching a porn, a lot of times they're just showing you the insertion.

01:47:14.000 They're showing you the dick and the vagina, they're showing you the body parts, they're showing you things moving, and you're concentrating on this one particular area.

01:47:22.000 And you can decide for whatever reason that that's what you got to focus on.

01:47:27.000 You need to trim up your fucking yard.

01:47:29.000 You can clean your hedges so it looks like these videos.

01:47:32.000 Well, you know what, Joe?

01:47:34.000 I got stomachs sitting on my vagina.

01:47:36.000 I ain't seen it since the 90s.

01:47:37.000 So maybe I don't know what's going on down there.

01:47:41.000 Maybe I need some, what is it called, Batman pussy too.

01:47:46.000 Good God Almighty.

01:47:47.000 Yeah, I don't think you need it.

01:47:49.000 No, I don't need it, Joe.

01:47:50.000 Nobody needs that.

01:47:52.000 Plus, some guys like it.

01:47:52.000 Don't do that.

01:47:54.000 Like Jim Norton, he's always talking about, he loves big pussy lips.

01:47:57.000 It drives him crazy that women get that fixed.

01:47:59.000 Some famous porn star, I think her name was Houston, she did something with her vagina lips, like she sold them or something like that.

01:48:07.000 Sold your vagina lips?

01:48:09.000 Google that.

01:48:09.000 Yeah, there was something crazy.

01:48:11.000 God, I'm trying to remember the story.

01:48:12.000 I think she got surgery and then she did something with it.

01:48:16.000 She was also one of the first people to ever do a gangbang.

01:48:19.000 Remember?

01:48:19.000 No, she wasn't.

01:48:21.000 We saw that shit in the hood all the time when Craig first came out.

01:48:24.000 Joe, come on.

01:48:26.000 I mean in a porn.

01:48:27.000 Oh, okay.

01:48:28.000 Getting paid.

01:48:29.000 One of those giant ones, like 500 people.

01:48:32.000 Yeah.

01:48:33.000 She let 500 people have sex?

01:48:34.000 See, this is the thing.

01:48:35.000 They say it's 500 people, but it's really like 60 people and they fuck her a bunch of times.

01:48:40.000 They go through the line and they keep going and they act like a new guy.

01:48:44.000 I think some of them have actually gone.

01:48:46.000 I think I've heard of that.

01:48:47.000 I'm not into porn.

01:48:49.000 I'm not into porn.

01:48:50.000 No.

01:48:51.000 She sold her labia for $50,000.

01:48:51.000 It was Houston.

01:48:53.000 Jesus Christ.

01:48:54.000 And what did somebody do?

01:48:55.000 Bomb and suck on them for skin?

01:48:56.000 Yeah, like a silky blanket.

01:48:59.000 How long will it last?

01:49:00.000 $50,000.

01:49:01.000 How long is it good for?

01:49:02.000 Is it in its freezer somewhere?

01:49:04.000 He's probably had it dried out.

01:49:06.000 It's like eating beef jerky.

01:49:10.000 Beef jerky vagina.

01:49:11.000 I need to call and tell my daughter that.

01:49:13.000 She might like that.

01:49:14.000 Is there a photo of said labia?

01:49:19.000 No, I don't want to see no sub labias.

01:49:24.000 I just don't understand.

01:49:26.000 Is there a before and after picture of a pussy?

01:49:28.000 If there's not, that's ridiculous.

01:49:29.000 And it's just reportedly.

01:49:30.000 Okay, so it could be bullshit.

01:49:32.000 Yeah.

01:49:32.000 It could be fake.

01:49:33.000 I'm more for the women who are trying to keep Dales, you know, just wearing a vagina jacket.

01:49:38.000 I don't understand.

01:49:40.000 It's got to be that.

01:49:41.000 It's got to be the porn.

01:49:42.000 It's got to be.

01:49:43.000 I mean, think about fake breasts.

01:49:45.000 Fake breasts are so common.

01:49:47.000 You know, the other thing, I did K-Rock the other day, and they brought up...

01:49:51.000 Korean women who win, like Miss Korea, you know?

01:49:56.000 Miss Korea, they look exactly the same.

01:49:59.000 Like, pull up.

01:50:00.000 Pull up, there's an image.

01:50:01.000 All those women look the same anyway, Joe.

01:50:03.000 Oh, no, no, no.

01:50:03.000 This is way crazy.

01:50:04.000 Because it's all about plastic surgery.

01:50:06.000 They get a very specific type of look by plastic surgery.

01:50:09.000 And it's super, super, super common amongst Korean women.

01:50:12.000 So who wins?

01:50:13.000 All of them?

01:50:14.000 But that's what's crazy.

01:50:14.000 It doesn't make any sense because they look exactly the same.

01:50:17.000 So over the years, like, so think of how many, look at this, plastic surgery blamed for making all Miss Korea contestants look alike.

01:50:25.000 Look at what these women look like.

01:50:26.000 They look exactly the same.

01:50:29.000 Like, you could have photos of any one of them doing something and then tell the police and the other one will be charged for the crime.

01:50:36.000 I mean, look at what they look like.

01:50:38.000 I mean, I don't like generalizations.

01:50:40.000 You say, oh, everybody looks the same.

01:50:41.000 Well, maybe to you, you racist fuck.

01:50:43.000 No, those girls look exactly the same.

01:50:46.000 And what they're doing is apparently...

01:50:49.000 They're going and getting a very specific type of surgery, and they shape their face to a very specific way.

01:50:56.000 And they do it with their chin, and they do it with their eyes, and they do it with their noses.

01:51:00.000 And when it's all said and done...

01:51:01.000 They look like the same fucking person with a different hair, dude.

01:51:03.000 Very close, at least.

01:51:04.000 Very close.

01:51:05.000 I mean, really close.

01:51:06.000 When it's all said and done, they're almost exactly the same.

01:51:09.000 No, no, no.

01:51:09.000 How do you know they wasn't born like that?

01:51:10.000 No, no, no.

01:51:10.000 There's a lot of before and afters.

01:51:12.000 This is a real common problem.

01:51:14.000 I wouldn't say common.

01:51:16.000 I wouldn't say a problem, rather.

01:51:17.000 It's a cultural issue in Korea.

01:51:20.000 Their plastic surgery has run rampant.

01:51:20.000 That's a good thing.

01:51:22.000 Because if you don't want to have sex with your wife, you send one of them over there.

01:51:26.000 And when, what does that mean?

01:51:27.000 Oh, so if you don't want to have sex with your husband.

01:51:29.000 Yeah, your husband.

01:51:30.000 Exactly.

01:51:31.000 Yeah, you look just like that.

01:51:32.000 Just send your husband.

01:51:33.000 Yeah, but you got...

01:51:34.000 Why you go out with your boyfriend?

01:51:35.000 He sticks it in there and he realizes, like, this one's tighter.

01:51:39.000 This one's got that extra work done down there.

01:51:41.000 No, men don't know.

01:51:42.000 This is not my wife.

01:51:44.000 Yeah.

01:51:44.000 What is going on here?

01:51:46.000 Unless he thinks that she had something done.

01:51:48.000 But it's just, it's very strange that they're all adopting this uniform look.

01:51:53.000 That's scary to me, you know?

01:51:54.000 That's a scary...

01:51:55.000 There's a before and after of one.

01:51:57.000 You can see...

01:51:57.000 Yeah, look at this.

01:51:58.000 You know, she looks very actually...

01:52:00.000 Fuck, she needed it.

01:52:01.000 Yeah, she needed it.

01:52:01.000 She like a little boy.

01:52:04.000 They should do that, Joe.

01:52:06.000 She looks like the karate kid.

01:52:09.000 If you could tell, the big thing that they're getting is what's been quoted as the anime eye.

01:52:14.000 If you look at the eyes, they're very big.

01:52:17.000 They're kind of stretched open.

01:52:18.000 How do they stretch their eyes out?

01:52:20.000 They cut the lids.

01:52:21.000 They change the lids.

01:52:22.000 They change the shape of the lid.

01:52:24.000 They go in there and they take a pie slice out, pull that bitch together, and their eyes are like this.

01:52:31.000 That's what they do to people when they get older, too.

01:52:34.000 I know a dude who did that, has eyes done, like to get your eyes done, and all of a sudden you're like this.

01:52:38.000 It's nothing like seeing a dude looking like an old-ass woman with plastic surgery, isn't there?

01:52:43.000 Kenny Rogers.

01:52:44.000 Have you seen him lately?

01:52:45.000 It is the creepiest thing ever.

01:52:46.000 He's like on a commercial right now.

01:52:48.000 I've never seen Kenny Rogers.

01:52:49.000 Terrifying.

01:52:50.000 You know who Kenny Rogers is?

01:52:51.000 I fucking like Countryman.

01:52:53.000 Yeah.

01:52:54.000 Well, do you ever see what he looks like now?

01:52:55.000 Yeah, let me see.

01:52:55.000 No.

01:52:56.000 I haven't seen him.

01:52:57.000 Really?

01:52:58.000 Yeah, poor guy.

01:52:59.000 He's pretty open about it, I think.

01:53:00.000 He's had conversations about it, talked about how he fucked up.

01:53:03.000 I mean, you kind of have to talk about how you fucked up when you look like this because it's so obvious.

01:53:08.000 Well, Joan Rivers had a lot of it.

01:53:10.000 That's not a bad picture, dude.

01:53:10.000 Yeah.

01:53:12.000 In that picture, he kind of looks normal.

01:53:14.000 That's a bad picture.

01:53:16.000 Get a good one.

01:53:16.000 That's a bad picture.

01:53:17.000 Because there's some good ones that are really shocking.

01:53:20.000 Just pull up Kenny Rogers' bad plastic surgery, and you'll get some good ones.

01:53:25.000 I was on the beach the other day, and this dude caught a manta ray.

01:53:29.000 You know what a manta ray is?

01:53:31.000 And he pulls it in from the water.

01:53:33.000 And it's in Malibu, and there's all these rich people that have houses there, and they think they can tell people what to do for whatever reason.

01:53:39.000 So the dude had already released the manta.

01:53:42.000 He caught it and released it.

01:53:43.000 You know, they were trying to catch fish, and they just caught this manta ray accidentally.

01:53:47.000 And so he's releasing it, and this lady comes running.

01:53:50.000 Because this other lady was like, you know, they're doing this.

01:53:53.000 They're torturing that animal.

01:53:54.000 They pulled it out of the ocean.

01:53:55.000 And this chick comes running to tell them what to do.

01:53:57.000 And when I tell you that she looked like a monster, like, I am not exaggerating.

01:54:01.000 She looked like a monster.

01:54:03.000 I mean, this poor lady, I felt bad.

01:54:06.000 Like, she had done so much to herself.

01:54:08.000 It was like her face had been so pulled back.

01:54:11.000 The guys who are listening are podcast fans.

01:54:13.000 The guys who caught the fish, so they're probably listening to it right now.

01:54:16.000 They were talking to me before, so I assume, if you know who you are, what's up?

01:54:22.000 Nice guys.

01:54:24.000 You know, regular-looking, young, tattooed-up dudes who are out there fishing, and they caught this big-ass manta ray.

01:54:29.000 But this lady came running, and when I saw her, as she approached him, I had a visual, I mean, like a visible, like I felt a tangible, like, quiver.

01:54:40.000 Like, I saw her.

01:54:41.000 I made the visual contact.

01:54:43.000 Like, my eyes hit her face.

01:54:45.000 Like, who fucked up your face?

01:54:47.000 What did you do?

01:54:48.000 And not only that, she's in this crazy-ass fucking multi-million dollar beach house.

01:54:54.000 You know, those beach houses in Malibu are ridiculous, man.

01:54:57.000 And he's off somewhere cheating with somebody whose eyes are not wide open while they sleep.

01:55:01.000 He's probably just Xanax the fuck out, just trying to deal with her.

01:55:05.000 And him.

01:55:06.000 And his own life.

01:55:07.000 He's probably a mess, too.

01:55:08.000 I don't know who he was or who she was, but it was the arrogance of this crazy lady running up to these guys.

01:55:13.000 She goes, guys, throw it back.

01:55:15.000 Throw it back.

01:55:16.000 Like, you could keep a manta ray and eat it if you wanted to.

01:55:19.000 Nobody could stop you.

01:55:20.000 And it's like, look out there.

01:55:22.000 That's the ocean.

01:55:23.000 Like, that's really fucking big.

01:55:24.000 Like, this idea that this guy on the side is going to do anything to the population of the manta rays.

01:55:31.000 Like, That's not how animals die.

01:55:32.000 They die because of giant nets that they pull amongst these huge boats, and they pull them out of it.

01:55:38.000 That's what's overfishing.

01:55:40.000 It's not a dude on the rocks pulling some...

01:55:42.000 But in her idea, in her mind, she was going to tell this dude.

01:55:46.000 Put Dementory up.

01:55:47.000 But I felt so bad.

01:55:49.000 Manta rays are cute, though.

01:55:50.000 They're kind of different.

01:55:51.000 They're a unique species.

01:55:52.000 Oh, yeah.

01:55:53.000 They're kind of cool.

01:55:54.000 But, you know, you ever had skate, like, at a restaurant?

01:55:57.000 It's delicious.

01:55:58.000 What is skate?

01:55:59.000 Skate is a manta ray.

01:56:01.000 Yeah, that thing there.

01:56:01.000 It's a type of ray.

01:56:02.000 I mean, it wasn't that one.

01:56:03.000 That was not the one that he caught.

01:56:04.000 It was like a stingray.

01:56:05.000 It had, like, one...

01:56:06.000 I don't know what kind of ray it was.

01:56:08.000 It was cool looking.

01:56:09.000 But he let it go immediately.

01:56:10.000 He had already let it go when this lady came running over.

01:56:13.000 But she just had such a monster face.

01:56:15.000 That pulled, tight monster face is so scary.

01:56:18.000 I'm going to take this manta ray and beat the hell out of you if you don't get off this beach.

01:56:22.000 Loose your face up.

01:56:24.000 They'd call the police so fast.

01:56:25.000 They probably have...

01:56:26.000 I don't know how they do it, but you know, there's Kenny Rogers.

01:56:30.000 That's a good, bad picture of him.

01:56:31.000 Why do you say it's bad?

01:56:33.000 Look at his eyes and his nose.

01:56:35.000 He looks like he's high as fuck.

01:56:38.000 He might be in California.

01:56:40.000 That's not a good one, though.

01:56:41.000 There's some other ones where it just looks really awful.

01:56:45.000 I've seen one comparison.

01:56:46.000 I think this one's a good one, too, maybe?

01:56:48.000 Yeah, that's it.

01:56:49.000 That's it.

01:56:50.000 Holy fuck!

01:56:51.000 He looking crazy!

01:56:54.000 That cannot be no Kenny Rogers.

01:56:56.000 It is.

01:56:57.000 No, it's him.

01:56:57.000 That's his daddy.

01:56:58.000 They changed the shape of his face.

01:57:00.000 Oh, my God!

01:57:01.000 And it doesn't make you look better, either.

01:57:03.000 It just makes you look different.

01:57:05.000 And not in a good difference.

01:57:07.000 His eyes is wide open.

01:57:09.000 You can't shoot that shit in your face either, man.

01:57:11.000 That thing that everyone's doing where they're putting filler in their face.

01:57:14.000 Not just Botox, but filler.

01:57:16.000 The black girls are putting it in their ass.

01:57:19.000 So many transgenders have died.

01:57:23.000 I'm serious.

01:57:24.000 Put them stuffing things in their ass?

01:57:26.000 No, you haven't heard about it?

01:57:27.000 Google it.

01:57:28.000 People was telling they was giving them butt shots, but they was putting fucking cork.

01:57:32.000 Corking oil.

01:57:32.000 Corking oil in their ass.

01:57:34.000 I know so many black girls with fake booties.

01:57:39.000 That's a meme right now.

01:57:41.000 That's a photo with some captions on it for sure.

01:57:43.000 Yeah, when that shit harden up, ain't nothing they can do with that crap.

01:57:46.000 They can't go in and cut it out.

01:57:47.000 No!

01:57:49.000 I don't know.

01:57:50.000 I wouldn't let nobody shoot no fucking Home Depot stuff in my booty.

01:57:53.000 Well, some women that had their lips done back in the day, they're scarred for life.

01:57:57.000 There was this poor lady that used to live down the street from me, and she had, like, she'd talk to you, and she had a line, like, right here, from here to here.

01:58:06.000 A straight line inside her lips from where she had these artificial lips put in.

01:58:13.000 And so when she would talk to you, you would see the scar, like the scar in her upper lip.

01:58:17.000 It was so distracting.

01:58:18.000 It was like, what did you do?

01:58:20.000 She probably got it for sexual pleasure.

01:58:22.000 She wanted lips like yours.

01:58:24.000 She wanted natural ones.

01:58:25.000 Couldn't get it.

01:58:26.000 I always get compliments on my lips.

01:58:28.000 They have beautiful lips.

01:58:29.000 Well, thank you.

01:58:30.000 Well, I got...

01:58:30.000 You hear that?

01:58:31.000 Wait a minute.

01:58:33.000 What?

01:58:33.000 Joe said I have beautiful lips.

01:58:35.000 They're beautiful.

01:58:36.000 That's what white women want.

01:58:37.000 They want those plump, juicy lips.

01:58:39.000 You know?

01:58:40.000 White women, sometimes they'll go drastic measures.

01:58:42.000 And they want big asses now.

01:58:44.000 Mm-hmm.

01:58:45.000 Yeah, they're getting them too.

01:58:47.000 Weird.

01:58:48.000 You see that show, was it Botched?

01:58:48.000 Yeah.

01:58:51.000 Botched?

01:58:51.000 Where it's all plastic.

01:58:52.000 I was watching one last night where the woman got the fake butt and it started to, it popped or something like that and started going into her leg and her, and her, and stuff.

01:59:01.000 And they couldn't get it out because it started growing with the muscles.

01:59:05.000 It started attaching the muscles so they couldn't take it out.

01:59:07.000 And so she just decided to get another one put in there and then that one didn't take because there was, it was just all fucked up.

01:59:13.000 What was she getting?

01:59:19.000 Oh, I saw that lady.

01:59:22.000 I saw that on Facebook.

01:59:23.000 I saw that lady.

01:59:24.000 She'd just flip her ass inside out and it was a bad job.

01:59:27.000 And I was like, as long as the ass is sticking the right way, it's not a bad job.

01:59:31.000 How low are your standards?

01:59:34.000 Yeah, no, it's a bad job.

01:59:36.000 If you could flip it around, what are you, a spokesperson for the surgeons?

01:59:40.000 I mean, I don't know.

01:59:41.000 I mean, but when it was turned the right way, the ass was nice and curvy.

01:59:45.000 When it flipped over, it looked like a plate that was upside down in our ass.

01:59:49.000 But could you imagine what it feels like if you grab that thing?

01:59:51.000 Like you're wrestling with something, like a fish is underneath the surface.

01:59:54.000 I mean, it can't be no different than sucking fake tits.

01:59:57.000 I got to grab a girl's butt at a strip club in Dayton, Ohio, and it felt just like boobs on your butt.

02:00:03.000 But hers, she got the really big ones, the ones that were the size of basketballs.

02:00:07.000 And so it was just like jelly.

02:00:08.000 She was white?

02:00:09.000 Very jelly.

02:00:10.000 She probably went too far.

02:00:12.000 That's what happens.

02:00:13.000 Everybody goes too far.

02:00:14.000 It's like some women can get breast jobs, and they just get a little bit of an enlargement, and it looks great.

02:00:21.000 And then other women get crazy, and they get those basketballs put in.

02:00:24.000 And you're like, oh.

02:00:25.000 And then they have back problems and they look stupid.

02:00:28.000 They look stupid.

02:00:29.000 And then the little cleavage sag.

02:00:31.000 I'm just going to keep it what I got.

02:00:33.000 I'm going to keep the same man, Joe.

02:00:35.000 I don't have time to be fucking cutting off my Libyus, my vagina lips, or your skin lips, whatever you want to call it.

02:00:42.000 Because that stuff is going to dry your vagina.

02:00:44.000 You're never going to have a wet vagina without having those lips, you dumb half man.

02:00:48.000 Is that how it works?

02:00:49.000 So the lips like help?

02:00:51.000 Well, it helps keep some moisture in there.

02:00:53.000 Moisture in there.

02:00:54.000 Keep the shit wet.

02:00:56.000 I'm learning a lot.

02:00:57.000 There's a lot of things I didn't know.

02:00:59.000 Yeah, so I can't do all that.

02:01:00.000 I don't want to pull my neck back, my eyes back.

02:01:03.000 I mean, you know you're going to get old.

02:01:05.000 Shit is going to stop working.

02:01:06.000 That's why God gave you hand.

02:01:08.000 When my husband ain't working no more, I just unstick his balls and we keep it moving.

02:01:12.000 We watch the news and go to bed.

02:01:14.000 You know what I think?

02:01:15.000 I think that also when people are doing their early adopters, you know what I'm saying?

02:01:20.000 Like the people that got the original boob jobs, like those they leaked and there's silicone and the poor people got sick.

02:01:27.000 Remember how many people got lupus and all these diseases?

02:01:30.000 I knew a girl got lupus from her breast job.

02:01:33.000 She had a leaky breast job and she got lupus.

02:01:35.000 She was all fucked up.

02:01:36.000 Her immune system was jacked.

02:01:38.000 But now, they have a down where it's very few reactions, it's a different feel to it.

02:01:44.000 Like you were talking about, it's like a...

02:01:46.000 Yeah.

02:01:46.000 Gummy bear boobs.

02:01:47.000 They feel like a real breast.

02:01:49.000 They feel like really firm, real breasts.

02:01:51.000 And I think that in the future, and not so far away either, they're going to be able to give you injections that make a woman's breast grow.

02:01:59.000 Like, they're going to be able to grow natural breasts.

02:02:01.000 Well, everybody, breasts ain't, you know, I think if you don't have breasts and shit, it's probably hereditary.

02:02:06.000 Go back down the line, you got a bunch of flat-breasted unts and shit.

02:02:10.000 You're not supposed to have titties.

02:02:12.000 I remember when I wanted breasts, and Mike, so Mike, I remember as a little girl, somebody was like, if you rub butter on your titties, they would grow.

02:02:20.000 In your ass, they would grow.

02:02:22.000 So we went in the refrigerator and took all my mama's butter.

02:02:24.000 And we just soaked our chest in butter.

02:02:27.000 And I think that's why I got titties today.

02:02:29.000 So ladies, don't spend your money at the plastic surgery.

02:02:31.000 Just buy some fucking, I can't believe it, not butter.

02:02:34.000 Put your two boobs in there and soak them overnight and see if they grow in two weeks.

02:02:38.000 I'm not sure if that works.

02:02:40.000 I don't know either, but look at me.

02:02:41.000 I'm rocking a 44 double D. With grease up under it.

02:02:46.000 Apparently, there's a lot of people who've been working at this.

02:02:49.000 They've been trying to do this for a long time, and there's a bunch of ways that can kind of help a little bit, but they're not really ready to grow tits yet.

02:03:01.000 But you know what someone brought up the other day that made a lot of sense?

02:03:03.000 They were saying that when a man becomes a woman, when he becomes transgender, becomes a woman, they start taking estrogen shots, and a lot of times they grow natural breasts.

02:03:11.000 They do!

02:03:12.000 I got a son who eat too much McDonald's and he got nice size 8 cups.

02:03:17.000 That's on the same note.

02:03:18.000 Yes it is!

02:03:19.000 He's overweight.

02:03:21.000 So they should gain weight and grow tits.

02:03:24.000 No.

02:03:24.000 It might not work.

02:03:25.000 It might work, but it might not work.

02:03:27.000 What they're saying is that they can give a man injections and he starts growing natural boobs.

02:03:33.000 Wouldn't they be able to give a woman estrogen and would that make her breasts grow?

02:03:37.000 Then it probably fuck us up because we already produced estrogen.

02:03:40.000 It makes it crazy.

02:03:41.000 Yeah, we probably go crazy.

02:03:43.000 Too much women in here.

02:03:44.000 Yeah, right?

02:03:46.000 It's an overflow moment.

02:03:47.000 You come home and this bitch is cooking the cat.

02:03:49.000 Yeah, right?

02:03:50.000 Yeah.

02:03:51.000 You don't want to do that.

02:03:53.000 There's a lot of fucking problems, apparently, with silicone and breast implants.

02:03:57.000 Particularly the silicone gel can cause connective tissue or autoimmune diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis and lupus, neurological disorders, cancer, even new silicone-related diseases that didn't exist before breast enhancement surgery.

02:04:13.000 So you got nice tits but can't open your hands.

02:04:15.000 This girl was all fucked up that had lupus.

02:04:18.000 She was a mess.

02:04:20.000 Those autoimmune diseases like that, like lupus, are no joke.

02:04:24.000 Is there any plastic surgery that you would get?

02:04:28.000 You know what I think, man?

02:04:29.000 I think we're so close to them being able to figure out how to do stuff without it.

02:04:34.000 Like, I don't need plastic surgery.

02:04:35.000 I'm beautiful, perfect as I am.

02:04:37.000 But I've had it.

02:04:38.000 I had hair transplants when I was younger, obviously.

02:04:41.000 What happened?

02:04:42.000 My hair was falling out, and I was trying to fight against it.

02:04:45.000 So you had hair transplant, but you don't got no hair now?

02:04:47.000 Now I shave it.

02:04:48.000 I should have shaved it from the beginning.

02:04:49.000 So now you're shaving your transplants?

02:04:50.000 Yeah.

02:04:52.000 You waste fucking money, Joe.

02:04:54.000 You waste money.

02:04:55.000 That's one way to look at it.

02:04:57.000 Yo, white people, stop getting hair transplant.

02:04:59.000 All you got to do is go to the hood and get something called a quick weave.

02:05:03.000 A quick weave?

02:05:04.000 Yes, it's a whole, what you watching on my head.

02:05:06.000 It's a whole head of hair for $50.

02:05:09.000 Listen, that's not going to work with me.

02:05:10.000 I do jujitsu.

02:05:12.000 Like, I'm getting choked and stuff.

02:05:13.000 No, they done got it.

02:05:14.000 Like, this shit is sold up.

02:05:16.000 Not anymore.

02:05:17.000 Not anymore.

02:05:18.000 Not anymore.

02:05:19.000 White dudes are not allowed to get weaves.

02:05:21.000 It's just too pathetic.

02:05:23.000 Well, they go around with the toupees that be shaking and shit, and we can tell it's fake.

02:05:27.000 They should get that off.

02:05:28.000 Yeah, they don't need those.

02:05:29.000 Shave their head.

02:05:30.000 I know a guy who works at the Lowe's in my area.

02:05:32.000 He got one, and it's fucking horrible.

02:05:34.000 It makes him look like a child molester.

02:05:36.000 I'd be like, you look like you killed babies, dude.

02:05:39.000 You take that ugly ass wig off your head.

02:05:40.000 Did you tell it to him?

02:05:41.000 No, but I don't like it.

02:05:42.000 He creeps me out.

02:05:43.000 Because, you know, it's nothing like seeing somebody with a bad weave when you wear weave.

02:05:47.000 Right.

02:05:48.000 So you have a good one, and him having a bad one is offensive to you?

02:05:51.000 Yeah.

02:05:51.000 It's bad for the whole weave community?

02:05:53.000 Yeah.

02:05:54.000 Like when John Travolta wears his beautiful one and he goes on the Academy Awards, are you like, that's a respectable weave?

02:06:00.000 Yes.

02:06:01.000 I mean, it's gotta look good.

02:06:03.000 The problem is it's glued to your head.

02:06:05.000 This is sewn in.

02:06:05.000 Not anymore.

02:06:07.000 Sewn in.

02:06:08.000 Sewn in.

02:06:09.000 Sewn in.

02:06:09.000 Yeah, but if a dude's bald, like if you're always bald, like I have stubble up here, but it was all just...

02:06:14.000 It was going.

02:06:15.000 It was gone.

02:06:16.000 The party was over.

02:06:17.000 What happens is they take hair from the back of your head where it's never going to fall out and they move it to the top.

02:06:22.000 The joke was that it's like taking a bunch of really healthy people and you move into a neighborhood where everybody's dying.

02:06:28.000 That's what it's like when you have hair.

02:06:29.000 You don't think about that.

02:06:30.000 Did your transplants die?

02:06:32.000 No, they stayed.

02:06:33.000 They stuck around.

02:06:34.000 They're the new residents.

02:06:35.000 So do they grow now?

02:06:36.000 Yeah, they grow.

02:06:37.000 But the old hair that used to be there along with the transplants, that shit all falls out eventually.

02:06:43.000 So when you grow hair, what do it look like?

02:06:46.000 I have enough hair to grow my hair out and not look like I have cancer, but it's pretty close.

02:06:54.000 It was going.

02:06:55.000 It was getting thinner.

02:06:55.000 It was on its way.

02:06:56.000 It was like cotton candy-er.

02:06:58.000 It was getting older.

02:07:00.000 It was falling out more and more.

02:07:00.000 My husband was like that.

02:07:02.000 And it was annoying.

02:07:04.000 Is that what they still do now?

02:07:05.000 It's easier to just shave it.

02:07:06.000 Well, they do it now.

02:07:06.000 Yeah.

02:07:07.000 They do what they call single follicle.

02:07:10.000 So they take like one hair at a time.

02:07:12.000 They'll take it from there and put it up there.

02:07:13.000 But the bottom line is you only have so much hair back here.

02:07:16.000 And especially if you go full Ronald McDonald.

02:07:18.000 Like if your hair goes bald like way back to the edge.

02:07:22.000 Imagine taking that little edge and trying to populate your entire head.

02:07:26.000 Good luck.

02:07:27.000 You don't have enough hair.

02:07:28.000 So then they figured out how to clone hair.

02:07:30.000 And that's what they're working on now.

02:07:31.000 They're working on cloning hair.

02:07:32.000 But at the same time, they're also working on some other shit that'll just genetically, they'll be able to inject it in your skin and it'll grow hair like crazy.

02:07:40.000 They're pretty close to being able to figure that out because it's some sort of a giant multi-multi-billion dollar industry.

02:07:45.000 Dudes losing their hair.

02:07:46.000 But if I could give anybody any advice from someone who's already shaved your head, shave your fucking head!

02:07:52.000 You're sexy!

02:07:53.000 Thank you!

02:07:54.000 My husband lost his hair, too.

02:07:56.000 He was trying to hold on to that shit.

02:07:57.000 It's so freeing, and I truly do not give a fuck.

02:08:01.000 It doesn't bother me at all anymore.

02:08:03.000 My hair used to fuck with me when it was falling out, because I was thinking about shaving it, but I wasn't sure if I needed to just jump in and do it.

02:08:09.000 But once I did it, I was like, oh, God, yeah.

02:08:12.000 Once I did it, I was like, oh, this is so much better.

02:08:15.000 My husband used to have the kid and play fade, but he had that hole in the middle.

02:08:19.000 That's a sad hole.

02:08:20.000 I was like, can you fucking get this goddamn teacup hole off the top of your head, let it go, and look like a bottle top opener.

02:08:29.000 What did you want him to do with it?

02:08:30.000 Cut the shit off!

02:08:31.000 He was losing his hair.

02:08:32.000 It was thinning.

02:08:33.000 And it was like, it would grow around to fade, but it had a hole in the top.

02:08:36.000 So he was good until he went, what the fuck?

02:08:39.000 You know, it looked like he was keeping a little safe on top of his head.

02:08:42.000 Yeah, we talked about poor Jason Alexander decided at like 50-something years old to wear a toupee out of nowhere.

02:08:48.000 I don't know Jason Alexander, but...

02:08:50.000 You don't know Seinfeld?

02:08:51.000 The show Seinfeld?

02:08:52.000 George from Seinfeld.

02:08:53.000 Do you ever watch Seinfeld?

02:08:54.000 No, you're too busy.

02:08:55.000 Shooting people and fucking getting arrested.

02:08:55.000 The little fat dude.

02:08:57.000 Oh no, my husband watched Seinfeld.

02:08:59.000 He turned me on to Seinfeld.

02:09:01.000 He's like, I don't want to watch this boring ass show.

02:09:02.000 And then I watched, I was like, this is a fucking great show.

02:09:05.000 It is a fucking great show.

02:09:06.000 Yeah, we spent many nights watching Seinfeld.

02:09:08.000 Do you know Richard Pryor's story?

02:09:10.000 Do you know his story of growing up in a brothel?

02:09:10.000 Yes, I do.

02:09:13.000 Yeah, but yeah.

02:09:15.000 Your story's like five times more crazy than Richard Pryor's story.

02:09:15.000 I know.

02:09:18.000 Yeah.

02:09:18.000 Really?

02:09:19.000 Yeah, I think so.

02:09:20.000 It's pretty close.

02:09:21.000 I mean, Richard Pryor...

02:09:22.000 I didn't turn gay for two weeks.

02:09:25.000 I read Richard's book.

02:09:26.000 He turned gay for two weeks.

02:09:27.000 I was like, holy fuck, Richard?

02:09:28.000 Probably more than two weeks.

02:09:29.000 Probably more than two weeks.

02:09:31.000 It's more likely he did some stuff.

02:09:33.000 I mean, there's a different time, too.

02:09:33.000 I don't know.

02:09:36.000 If you stop and think about what was going on in the 70s...

02:09:38.000 Think about all the people that are allegedly involved in gay shit.

02:09:42.000 Well, the brothel, right?

02:09:43.000 Yeah, the brothel.

02:09:44.000 It's a prostitute house.

02:09:46.000 But, you know, you look at, like, allegedly David Bowie and Mick Jagger went gay for a while.

02:09:53.000 You know, like, what's his name from The Who?

02:09:57.000 What the fuck's his name?

02:09:58.000 Not Roger Daltrey, the other guy.

02:10:00.000 Jamie.

02:10:03.000 Pete Townsend.

02:10:03.000 Townsend.

02:10:04.000 Pete Townsend was gay for a while.

02:10:06.000 I just think it's shit when you're in Hollywood.

02:10:09.000 You done head out of a vagina.

02:10:11.000 You done turned it inside out.

02:10:12.000 You done stuck your foot in it.

02:10:13.000 You done kicked it across the room.

02:10:15.000 You done baked the pussy.

02:10:16.000 You done beat the pussy.

02:10:17.000 You done banged the pussy.

02:10:18.000 You done set it on fire.

02:10:21.000 So you're like, well, you know what?

02:10:22.000 I'm going to go over and play with this dick and see if I can.

02:10:25.000 Not that they're gay.

02:10:26.000 They're just trying to do something else.

02:10:28.000 I think that's what they do out here just in Hollywood.

02:10:30.000 Because in the Midwest, they just keep the same old bitch with the beard who smokes cigarettes and tote babies on their hips.

02:10:37.000 Maybe.

02:10:38.000 You got a good point.

02:10:39.000 Yeah, I think for a lot of dudes, it probably is that.

02:10:42.000 They probably want to just expand their experiences.

02:10:44.000 Yeah, it's like getting fingers put in their ass.

02:10:46.000 I tell you, let me tell you.

02:10:49.000 So I went, I had to do hosting for a dildo party.

02:10:53.000 I'm not into dildos.

02:10:54.000 How did you get this job?

02:10:57.000 They thought I was funny.

02:10:58.000 They came to the show, so they're like, come host our dildo party.

02:11:00.000 They have a dildo party.

02:11:02.000 Yes, and women love this bitch.

02:11:04.000 Like stamp traders?

02:11:05.000 Hey, they got dicks that do...

02:11:07.000 In the comic books?

02:11:07.000 Do you know that they got the dick with the suctions on it?

02:11:11.000 So you stick it to the toilet and you just have sex with yourself?

02:11:15.000 When you finish, you rinse it off and put it in the dishwasher or whatever the fuck you do with it?

02:11:19.000 Right.

02:11:20.000 So I host this dildo party.

02:11:21.000 So they give me this little thing and I say, well, what is this?

02:11:23.000 She said, well, go home and spice up your relationship.

02:11:26.000 So I was like, oh, my fucking relationship could use some spices.

02:11:29.000 So...

02:11:30.000 I mean, you've been married for 23 years.

02:11:32.000 I mean, what else?

02:11:33.000 Right.

02:11:33.000 So, I was like, well, what do I do with this?

02:11:35.000 She was like, this is ball dust.

02:11:36.000 She said, you take this feather, you dust these balls, and you...

02:11:39.000 A what?

02:11:40.000 Ball dust.

02:11:41.000 But it came with a pink feather.

02:11:43.000 So, I go home with this ball dust, and I was like, open your leg.

02:11:46.000 I got some ball dust.

02:11:47.000 And I pulled out this feather, and I was like, if you don't get that gay-ass kid away from my balls...

02:11:54.000 He wouldn't participate.

02:11:55.000 What if it was black?

02:11:57.000 It was a fucking feather.

02:11:59.000 It was that feather.

02:12:00.000 He's like, what the fuck did you get bald dust?

02:12:02.000 You're not putting that shit on my balls.

02:12:04.000 Is it because it was pink?

02:12:05.000 It turned him off?

02:12:06.000 No, I think it was bald dust, period.

02:12:08.000 My husband's not going to do all that extra shit.

02:12:10.000 Why is pink universally a girl's color?

02:12:13.000 I love pink.

02:12:14.000 I don't know.

02:12:14.000 Well, it's nothing wrong with the color, but I mean, like, yeah, this lighter, this is a pink lighter.

02:12:18.000 It's a Hello Kitty lighter, so it's definitely a girl's lighter.

02:12:20.000 That's my lighter.

02:12:21.000 Exactly.

02:12:23.000 You call them Red Band a girl?

02:12:23.000 So...

02:12:26.000 No, we're just being silly.

02:12:27.000 But this is pink.

02:12:28.000 Like, why is that color, like, a girl color?

02:12:31.000 It's because when you grew up, your mom...

02:12:31.000 Why is white universal?

02:12:34.000 We put you girls in a pink bedroom and bought pink stuff.

02:12:38.000 Society told them that.

02:12:39.000 It was boys were blue colors, like their bedroom colors were blue.

02:12:42.000 It's to determine the sex.

02:12:43.000 So when you walk around with an ugly ass baby that was a girl but looked like a boy, you put in pink.

02:12:48.000 So people's like, oh, your little boy is cute.

02:12:50.000 No, she got on pink as a fucking girl, even though she looked like a boy.

02:12:54.000 But how did we figure that out, though?

02:12:56.000 How did we figure out pink for a girl?

02:12:58.000 Joe, you got to ask the people who started before us.

02:13:01.000 Okay.

02:13:02.000 You're asking Jesus Christ questions.

02:13:04.000 I don't know.

02:13:05.000 But I'm wondering.

02:13:06.000 You're asking Rosa Parks questions.

02:13:07.000 Not Rosa Parks.

02:13:08.000 Maybe Harriet Tubman questions.

02:13:10.000 I don't fucking know how they came up with this shit.

02:13:12.000 I got a GD. Let's Google it.

02:13:14.000 Let's Google it.

02:13:15.000 Why does the color pink be associated with women?

02:13:19.000 Probably because it's a soft color.

02:13:21.000 Yeah, it is.

02:13:22.000 But isn't white as well?

02:13:24.000 White is my favorite color.

02:13:26.000 Yeah, a lot of people like white.

02:13:27.000 I have a white car.

02:13:28.000 It's very pretty.

02:13:29.000 It's good for cars.

02:13:30.000 When I was little, I wanted to be white because I watched the Leave it to Beaver.

02:13:33.000 And Beaver Mama was so fucking supportive.

02:13:37.000 I wanted that lady for my mama.

02:13:39.000 She cooked every day.

02:13:41.000 You wasn't called bitches.

02:13:42.000 You wasn't shot at.

02:13:43.000 I was like, I want this bitch for my mama.

02:13:46.000 So I wanted to be white.

02:13:48.000 Yeah, pink, they don't know.

02:13:51.000 They have no idea.

02:13:52.000 They have no idea.

02:13:53.000 It's most commonly associated with femininity.

02:13:55.000 They don't have any idea why.

02:13:57.000 There's a bunch of speculation, all different.

02:14:00.000 Pink was likely associated with boy babies, as with girl babies at a certain point in time.

02:14:06.000 It was just associated with babies.

02:14:08.000 We had that picture, remember?

02:14:10.000 Of, was it a...

02:14:13.000 Which original...

02:14:14.000 Was it Theodore Roosevelt dressed as a girl when he was young?

02:14:17.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:14:18.000 They used to dress little boys.

02:14:19.000 Yeah, pull that picture up because it's so bizarre.

02:14:22.000 All of those dudes dressed with wigs on back in the day.

02:14:25.000 Yeah, but this is when they were babies.

02:14:26.000 They dressed him as a baby, as a girl when he was a baby.

02:14:30.000 Why?

02:14:30.000 They just did it back then.

02:14:31.000 They used to do that.

02:14:32.000 Back in the day.

02:14:33.000 It was normal.

02:14:33.000 High heels were actually made for men and stuff like that.

02:14:36.000 They used to dress...

02:14:37.000 That's why they love them now.

02:14:39.000 Really?

02:14:40.000 That's why they love him?

02:14:41.000 Now!

02:14:42.000 Think about it.

02:14:43.000 You can take a gay man, he'd do makeup and hair and dress way better than normal, like a regular female.

02:14:49.000 Has that been Snopes?

02:14:50.000 Did we ever run that through Snopes?

02:14:52.000 Theodore Roosevelt, supposedly.

02:14:53.000 That's a boy?

02:14:54.000 Yeah.

02:14:54.000 Okay, okay.

02:14:56.000 No, that's a lie.

02:14:57.000 Yeah, it says so.

02:14:58.000 Okay, let's see.

02:14:59.000 Roosevelt dressed as a girl debunked.

02:15:03.000 Theodore Roosevelt...

02:15:06.000 Let's see.

02:15:07.000 It wasn't always...

02:15:08.000 Wow, it's true.

02:15:10.000 Yeah.

02:15:10.000 That's true.

02:15:11.000 What?

02:15:12.000 That is in an actual...

02:15:14.000 It's in the Atlantic.

02:15:15.000 The photographs about girls, or boys, rather, dressing up as girls.

02:15:22.000 Yeah.

02:15:23.000 That's totally true.

02:15:27.000 Wow, that is interesting,

02:15:44.000 man.

02:15:44.000 It was 1884. He was two and a half years old, and boys wore dresses until age six or seven, which was also the time of their first haircut.

02:15:57.000 Wow, that's so weird.

02:16:00.000 Franklin's outfit was considered gender neutral.

02:16:04.000 So that outfit, pull that outfit up again.

02:16:06.000 That outfit was considered gender neutral at the time.

02:16:09.000 What outfit?

02:16:10.000 The outfit that he was wearing, where we think it looks like a girl.

02:16:13.000 Yeah.

02:16:14.000 Look at that.

02:16:15.000 That was gender neutral.

02:16:17.000 That was a girl.

02:16:19.000 Yeah, look at his little booty shoe and his hair.

02:16:22.000 They didn't cut your hair except like Moe style across your face so that you can see where you're going.

02:16:26.000 White babies still look like that.

02:16:28.000 That's on the smithsodian.com where they talk about all the pink and blue stuff.

02:16:34.000 You really detail.

02:16:37.000 Is that detailed?

02:16:39.000 I mean, for the Google, between pink and blue, I personally don't give a fuck.

02:16:44.000 But I'm learning a lot here.

02:16:46.000 I mean, that's fascinating to me.

02:16:48.000 It's absolutely fascinating to me.

02:16:49.000 I was watching Fox News.

02:16:51.000 We talked about this before, about those women that are on Fox News.

02:16:54.000 No, not because I believe in them, just because it's fascinating.

02:16:57.000 I watch it too.

02:16:58.000 I love people that are convinced of anything.

02:17:00.000 I want to be convinced of God.

02:17:02.000 I watch religious shows.

02:17:04.000 I like people convinced there's no God.

02:17:06.000 I watch atheist shows.

02:17:07.000 I like watching people convinced just to study their patterns.

02:17:10.000 But watching Fox News is always fascinating to me because it's like this weird look into another world that I don't ever hang out in.

02:17:17.000 I don't know these people.

02:17:18.000 But these women are so hot, and they're so leggy.

02:17:22.000 There's so much naked legs going on.

02:17:23.000 And I was thinking, if a man dressed like that on TV, it would be a fucking...

02:17:27.000 It would be a sin.

02:17:29.000 Like, you would...

02:17:30.000 If a guy dressed even remotely like one of those women on television, it would be front-page news.

02:17:36.000 It'd be like, what the fuck has society fallen to?

02:17:39.000 So if a man came in with, like, male UPS shorts on, I mean, really tight...

02:17:46.000 Yeah, but that's not...

02:17:46.000 See, shorts are one thing.

02:17:48.000 These women, there's no short.

02:17:50.000 There's no pants that you have to pull down.

02:17:52.000 You just lift their skirt up and start fucking.

02:17:54.000 It's right there.

02:17:55.000 Their vagina is...

02:17:56.000 There's a tiny little piece of, like, see-through cloth.

02:18:01.000 They're on Fox!

02:18:02.000 They have tiny little dresses on.

02:18:04.000 Well, that's what makes people tune in.

02:18:06.000 You flipping through the channel and you see a single, holy fuck.

02:18:09.000 Exactly.

02:18:09.000 You know, you're going to stop and you don't care what they're saying.

02:18:12.000 I mean, look at Sarah Palin.

02:18:14.000 They think she's fucking hot.

02:18:16.000 Well, she was hotter back in the day.

02:18:19.000 She was prettier.

02:18:20.000 She's starting to hit the wall, and now it's getting weird.

02:18:22.000 I mean, but people think she's hot.

02:18:24.000 Yeah, but if you thought she was hot when she was running for president like six years ago, whatever it was, that would be kind of, she was kind of hot back then.

02:18:30.000 That's more of a power thing also, I think.

02:18:32.000 Well, it was a fucking God bless America sort of a thing, son.

02:18:32.000 Maybe.

02:18:36.000 First of all, she's a rugged outdoorsman, lives in Alaska, okay?

02:18:40.000 Woman's been a hunter her whole life, and she's kind of pretty.

02:18:44.000 Bitch can't kill fish.

02:18:46.000 Well, you know what she would do, allegedly?

02:18:48.000 They would shoot a caribou, and then they would call her for a photo op, and she would get out of her car, they'd hand her the gun, she'd stand down there over the body, they'd take a photo, and she'd hop back in the car and drive off.

02:19:00.000 They would shoot an animal just specifically to make her look like a hunter.

02:19:05.000 I know what a caribou is.

02:19:06.000 You know what a caribou is?

02:19:07.000 A deer?

02:19:08.000 Yeah, it's a rainbow.

02:19:09.000 A reindeer, rather.

02:19:10.000 I guessed that, but oh, fuck.

02:19:11.000 Yeah, that's what a caribou is.

02:19:13.000 You know, when Santa has those reindeer, those are caribou.

02:19:16.000 It's in the deer family.

02:19:18.000 Caribou didn't come to the ghetto.

02:19:20.000 No, no.

02:19:21.000 They barely come to Alaska.

02:19:22.000 You gotta go find them.

02:19:25.000 We didn't believe reindeers laying on your house.

02:19:28.000 If you was getting gifts and somebody showed up, it was a fucking Santa Claus with a pet bull.

02:19:32.000 Did you ever teach your kids about Santa Claus?

02:19:35.000 I told him.

02:19:37.000 It's all bullshit.

02:19:38.000 It's all bullshit.

02:19:41.000 I tell you, when I moved in my white neighborhood, I'm in Walmart one day and my son was talking about getting something for Christmas.

02:19:49.000 He was talking about Santa.

02:19:50.000 I was like, it ain't no fucking Santa, okay?

02:19:52.000 Just tell me what you want and I'll buy it.

02:19:54.000 How old was he at the time?

02:19:56.000 He probably was like 10. So a white lady in line was like, how dare you not say it to Santa?

02:20:01.000 I was like, bitch, he ain't brought me no money.

02:20:04.000 Mind your own business, white woman.

02:20:06.000 What the fuck are you talking about?

02:20:07.000 You want my son to grow up and believe some nice, fat, chubby, white dude just gonna show up and leave to her?

02:20:13.000 I don't even got a fucking chimney.

02:20:15.000 I got an electric fly place.

02:20:16.000 How the fuck are you gonna get in my house?

02:20:18.000 Exactly.

02:20:18.000 How the fuck is he gonna get in your house?

02:20:19.000 He's not gonna get in my house.

02:20:20.000 So she's like, don't not tell kids it's not Santa.

02:20:23.000 I put up a tree because it's cute.

02:20:27.000 Isn't that funny that you have to, like, that has to be told.

02:20:30.000 That's a lie that we all agree you have to tell children.

02:20:33.000 It's fun.

02:20:34.000 It's exciting.

02:20:34.000 I would catch my stepdaddy now taking my fucking tooth and putting $5 up on there.

02:20:40.000 And when I wake up, my mama want to borrow the $5 so she can get high.

02:20:44.000 Wow.

02:20:45.000 So I'm like, all these teeth you lost and did no fucking tooth fairy come out and leave you no money?

02:20:51.000 Yeah, the Tooth Fairy is the weirdest one.

02:20:53.000 What is it?

02:20:53.000 Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus.

02:20:56.000 What's the other one?

02:20:58.000 Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus.

02:21:01.000 Secretary's Day.

02:21:04.000 Secretary's Day?

02:21:05.000 What the fuck do I got to do with a holiday?

02:21:07.000 That's a failed attempt at a joke.

02:21:08.000 My mother-in-law won't celebrate Halloween because she's super Christian and that's the devil's birthday.

02:21:16.000 Whoa.

02:21:17.000 Your mother-in-law says that?

02:21:18.000 Yeah, so she's like, don't buy masks.

02:21:20.000 It's demons and masks.

02:21:21.000 I'm like, shut the fuck up.

02:21:23.000 You can't buy masks?

02:21:24.000 Masks, yeah.

02:21:24.000 There's demons and masks?

02:21:25.000 Well, what if it's a mask of, like, you know, Pokeo or something?

02:21:28.000 It's a demon.

02:21:29.000 You shouldn't have, you shouldn't, like, my mother-in-law, like, you shouldn't have, like, you know how people have those fat elephants and shit on their floor?

02:21:35.000 You can't have that because they care as demons.

02:21:38.000 Hold up.

02:21:41.000 Fat elephants on their floor carry demons?

02:21:43.000 What?

02:21:44.000 You know how you go in people's house and they have those glass elephants and shit?

02:21:49.000 And tigers laying on the floor?

02:21:50.000 You've been in black houses with the black leather couch.

02:21:53.000 Sculpture, like a sculpture.

02:21:54.000 Yeah, that shit.

02:21:55.000 You can't have those.

02:21:56.000 No, not around my mother-in-law.

02:21:57.000 She said that stuff carries demons.

02:21:59.000 She's super safe.

02:22:01.000 Sculptures carry demons?

02:22:02.000 Well, I don't know where she gets this shit from.

02:22:05.000 Really read that one.

02:22:06.000 That's a tough one.

02:22:08.000 Like, you know, someone makes a sculpture, like the Eagle sculpture in San Francisco.

02:22:12.000 I mean, that's just like, I grew up, I grew up in, like, my mama had a Jesus picture.

02:22:16.000 Every black household had a Jesus Christ and a Model of the King picture.

02:22:19.000 You wasn't black if you didn't have those fucking two pictures in your house.

02:22:22.000 How come nobody knows who Rosa Parks is?

02:22:24.000 Nobody knows what she looks like.

02:22:25.000 I got this photo of Rosa Parks mugshot up on the wall, and everybody thinks that it's an Asian lady.

02:22:32.000 That's who I thought she was.

02:22:34.000 I just don't understand.

02:22:36.000 I don't know how that's not a famous person.

02:22:39.000 How's that not a famous person?

02:22:40.000 It's a famous person.

02:22:41.000 She's a famous person when she told me who she was.

02:22:43.000 But how's it not, like, recognizable?

02:22:46.000 Like, Martin Luther King, recognizable.

02:22:49.000 Malcolm X, recognizable.

02:22:50.000 If you saw his photograph...

02:22:52.000 Is that what it is?

02:22:53.000 She's probably biracial.

02:22:55.000 Oh, for sure.

02:22:56.000 Yeah, she's definitely biracial.

02:22:57.000 Yeah.

02:22:57.000 Just by her coloration.

02:23:00.000 I don't know.

02:23:03.000 Probably better instead of doing that.

02:23:05.000 Well, you can do that.

02:23:06.000 But it's hard to zoom in on that.

02:23:08.000 Yeah, there you go.

02:23:10.000 That's what Rosa Parks looked like.

02:23:11.000 Nobody knows.

02:23:12.000 So she was...

02:23:14.000 She the lady that said no.

02:23:16.000 She said, fuck this.

02:23:17.000 I'm sitting right here.

02:23:19.000 Bitch.

02:23:20.000 Nobody asked her to move.

02:23:22.000 She looked white.

02:23:23.000 Nobody asked her to move, but they said they asked her to move.

02:23:26.000 I think at that time, she was the tipping point.

02:23:30.000 I'm glad I was in those days.

02:23:31.000 Can you imagine?

02:23:32.000 Imagine when they had whites only fountains and shit.

02:23:36.000 My daddy always talked about that shit.

02:23:38.000 He passed about three years ago when I brought him to Indianapolis to live with me.

02:23:42.000 And my daddy really never lived around white people.

02:23:44.000 So when my son, all his friends was white.

02:23:46.000 So my daddy would say like, Pat, you got to get Gary.

02:23:49.000 He out there pulling them little cracker kids on his motorcycle.

02:23:52.000 And I'm like, daddy, nobody say that shit anymore.

02:23:55.000 He had a slave mentality.

02:23:58.000 Well, if you stop and thought about it for a second, like how recent slavery was, it really kind of freaks you out.

02:24:04.000 Because that was 1865 they made slavery illegal.

02:24:07.000 That is not that long ago.

02:24:09.000 No.

02:24:10.000 That is not that long ago.

02:24:11.000 That is weird.

02:24:13.000 That's less than 200 years.

02:24:15.000 Stop and think about that.

02:24:17.000 1865, that's not that long ago.

02:24:20.000 If you lived to be 100 years, if you're 100 years old today, that means that in 1914 you were born.

02:24:29.000 If you were born in 1914, 100 years before that?

02:24:34.000 1814. Slavery is legal as fuck.

02:24:38.000 So that's like two generations, grandfather to father to son.

02:24:42.000 If you go back two more generations before that, that's not that many people.

02:24:46.000 That's like a woman gives birth to a child, the child gets raised, has children of his own.

02:24:55.000 Maybe five generations?

02:24:56.000 Maybe.

02:24:57.000 Maybe five generations.

02:24:58.000 But the people that are alive?

02:25:00.000 Like the patterns of people that are alive, birth to death, birth to death, there's only three.

02:25:04.000 Three generations of birth to death.

02:25:07.000 And you got, I mean, not a guy giving birth, you know, a woman giving birth to her own child and him giving birth to his own child, but a person living from birth to death, the next person being born birth to death, there's only three.

02:25:20.000 That's not that law.

02:25:21.000 And that was buying people.

02:25:23.000 You could just buy them.

02:25:24.000 You could take them.

02:25:25.000 You could fuck them.

02:25:26.000 You could kill them.

02:25:27.000 You could do whatever you wanted.

02:25:28.000 There wasn't any laws.

02:25:29.000 They were yours.

02:25:29.000 They were your property.

02:25:31.000 They would just tell you if you beat them, they'd tell you not to beat them as much.

02:25:31.000 Yeah.

02:25:34.000 I don't fucking know I wasn't around.

02:25:36.000 I couldn't imagine.

02:25:37.000 Yeah.

02:25:38.000 Could you even imagine?

02:25:39.000 Can you imagine owning a person in your backyard?

02:25:42.000 What's fucked is when you hear there's just as much slavery today as there was during 1865. If you like looked at the world, the whole world as far as the numbers.

02:25:42.000 Yeah.

02:25:51.000 What about all this sex slave shit going on with the younger kids?

02:25:54.000 I heard a lot of those kids.

02:25:55.000 They like it.

02:25:58.000 That's what I heard.

02:25:59.000 Well, I will say I liked it, but I don't think those kids liked it.

02:26:03.000 He wouldn't let me go home, Joe.

02:26:05.000 Of course they don't like it.

02:26:06.000 Of course they don't like it.

02:26:08.000 Imagine that someone would justify sex slavery.

02:26:11.000 Like, look, look, look, there's other problems in the world.

02:26:14.000 We have an energy problem, there's global warming.

02:26:17.000 Yeah.

02:26:18.000 That's probably how they look at it.

02:26:19.000 Look, you had it bad.

02:26:20.000 Your mama didn't have shit.

02:26:21.000 Come on over here, suck a few dicks, let me feed you.

02:26:24.000 Well, you made it work.

02:26:25.000 You were like a person who was...

02:26:28.000 I mean, you were sexually molested.

02:26:31.000 If you were having sex with a man in his 20s and you were 14 or you were 12 at the time when it first started, you're being sexually molested.

02:26:37.000 You made it work.

02:26:38.000 But it was good sexually molested.

02:26:41.000 It was horrible.

02:26:42.000 Yeah.

02:26:44.000 I shouldn't give him credit for that, but...

02:26:46.000 It was good?

02:26:47.000 Unemployed.

02:26:49.000 Unemployed black men can fuck.

02:26:52.000 I'm sorry.

02:26:55.000 Lord, I hope my husband don't listen to this.

02:26:55.000 That's awful.

02:26:57.000 That's awful.

02:26:58.000 I hope he's not listening, too.

02:26:59.000 I really want to see photos of this.

02:27:01.000 Don't you want to see?

02:27:02.000 Because I really want to see what a 12...

02:27:03.000 You want to see me getting fucking?

02:27:04.000 A 12-year-old.

02:27:04.000 No, no, no.

02:27:05.000 That's just a meal, bro.

02:27:07.000 They're coming to your house.

02:27:09.000 You better go to jail, you nasty ass.

02:27:13.000 What he means is a 12-year-old that looks like a grown woman.

02:27:16.000 Yeah, I want to see, do you have boobs?

02:27:19.000 Are you holding a teddy bear and looking back at it?

02:27:21.000 Can I show you me at 16?

02:27:23.000 Yeah, well, yeah, that'll work.

02:27:25.000 Let me see if I can get this fucking phone.

02:27:26.000 I can show you me at 16. You know what was crazy?

02:27:29.000 I was a drug dealer on this picture, so my daughter was like, uh, you don't look like I expected you to look.

02:27:35.000 And I was like, well, what do you expect?

02:27:36.000 You know, gold teeth.

02:27:37.000 And I was like, I wasn't fucking up my teeth.

02:27:39.000 Is you fucking crazy?

02:27:40.000 You know, that was the most, that was the biggest scam in the ghetto.

02:27:44.000 Those dentists were putting teeth, gold teeth on those crooked ass black people teeth.

02:27:49.000 When they should say, hey dude, take this dope money and get some braces first before you fucking cram these golds on these ragged ass teeth.

02:27:58.000 So you be at the club and this motherfucker got teeth in his mouth looking like a piranha, but he gripped out.

02:28:03.000 You're like, what the fuck?

02:28:05.000 Okay, explain that to me because I'm white.

02:28:07.000 What is it about gold teeth?

02:28:09.000 It's not about gold teeth.

02:28:11.000 Black people are flashy.

02:28:12.000 We like gold.

02:28:13.000 We like shit that shines.

02:28:15.000 Why is that?

02:28:16.000 Because we want to stand out.

02:28:17.000 And I tell you, with black people, we want you to know we got it.

02:28:23.000 Because you really, you come from not having it.

02:28:26.000 So when you get it, you tell the fucking world.

02:28:28.000 Because I was just telling my friends, I said, what is it with black people that'll run out and buy $1,000 jeans and you fucking got a food stamp card but your pocketbook costs $800?

02:28:39.000 You know, you gotta get a name brand purse.

02:28:41.000 Or you get a knockoff name brand purse for $200 and it ain't even fucking real leather and it don't have no value.

02:28:47.000 Just so people can say, I'm toting the Michael Cole, I'm toting the Louis Vuitton.

02:28:51.000 Well, we know it's not Louis Vuitton because your fucking car is raggedy and your teeth is crooked and you got a bad weave, bitch, and you got a lot of kids behind you.

02:28:59.000 You don't buy a Louis Vuitton if you got four or five kids.

02:29:03.000 It don't work like that.

02:29:04.000 Them best start at two grand.

02:29:05.000 But a Louis Vuitton is not like a Ferrari.

02:29:08.000 If you get a fake Louis Vuitton, what happens?

02:29:10.000 It doesn't hold shit?

02:29:11.000 It holds shit for them and they act like it's real.

02:29:14.000 If you have a fake Ferrari, you're not driving very fast.

02:29:14.000 You know what I mean?

02:29:17.000 Who the fuck got a fake Ferrari?

02:29:18.000 Oh, they have fake Ferraris.

02:29:19.000 They fall apart.

02:29:20.000 The purses fall apart very fast.

02:29:21.000 I bet in China they're making fake Ferraris right now in a goddamn assembly line.

02:29:25.000 I bet there's dudes out there that have fake Ferraris that don't even know they have fake Ferraris.

02:29:29.000 It's probably totally possible.

02:29:30.000 I never heard of a fake Ferrari, but I know buy some fake bags and want to be flashy.

02:29:36.000 I was going to get a gold grill when I was a drug dealer, but I had a friend who was like, you're not always going to do this shit, and you have really nice teeth, so why would you fuck them up?

02:29:45.000 So if you did get gold teeth, they have to chip out the outside of it and cover it with gold.

02:29:50.000 No, what they do is they...

02:29:51.000 What they do is they...

02:29:52.000 My brother had beautiful teeth.

02:29:54.000 I mean, he could have did a fucking Colgate commercial.

02:29:56.000 And he went and got a gold.

02:29:58.000 And they fucking moved his front teeth and put a gap there so they could push the gold up.

02:30:03.000 And he decided, I don't like this shit.

02:30:05.000 This country-ass brother of mine put a pin in his mouth and ripped the gold off his teeth.

02:30:10.000 Ow!

02:30:11.000 Ow!

02:30:13.000 Did he bleed?

02:30:14.000 No, I didn't bleed.

02:30:15.000 My brother was a hillbilly.

02:30:17.000 I got two brothers with the same name, and they're not twins.

02:30:21.000 Their name is Anthony and Tony, and that's their real fucking name.

02:30:25.000 And you know what, Joe, I didn't even know that.

02:30:28.000 I didn't even recognize that until my husband was like, Pat, why do your brothers have the same name?

02:30:33.000 I was like, my fucking brothers don't have the same name.

02:30:35.000 Their name is Anthony and Tony.

02:30:37.000 He was like, Pat, that's the same name.

02:30:38.000 I was like, what the fuck?

02:30:39.000 That is the same name!

02:30:41.000 You know what else is the same name?

02:30:42.000 What?

02:30:43.000 John and Jack.

02:30:45.000 Well, they're not John and Jack.

02:30:46.000 Yeah.

02:30:46.000 Is it?

02:30:47.000 John F. Kennedy was Jack Kennedy.

02:30:50.000 Yeah.

02:30:51.000 John F. Kennedy was Jack.

02:30:53.000 They called him Jack Kennedy.

02:30:55.000 That makes no sense.

02:30:56.000 Yeah, it's one of the weirdest ones.

02:30:58.000 That's a weird one.

02:30:59.000 It's a weird abbreviation.

02:31:00.000 But that abbreviation is not always used.

02:31:03.000 Like, I know a Jack that was born Jack.

02:31:06.000 Like, on his birth certificate it says Jack.

02:31:08.000 But John is the, you know, the nickname of John is Jack.

02:31:12.000 Is it J-O-H-N? So here I am, young.

02:31:15.000 I don't know.

02:31:15.000 It's a good question.

02:31:16.000 You're at 16 in this photograph?

02:31:18.000 I'm probably 15. Here's him.

02:31:20.000 It's one of a kind.

02:31:21.000 Let me see that.

02:31:23.000 That's you at 16?

02:31:24.000 With him.

02:31:25.000 And that's the dude?

02:31:25.000 That's the grown-ass man I had the baby by.

02:31:28.000 Wow.

02:31:29.000 That's crazy.

02:31:30.000 That's the dude that shot you?

02:31:32.000 That's the dude that shot me.

02:31:33.000 Well, this is hard to see because it's kind of an old picture.

02:31:37.000 Yeah.

02:31:40.000 But what did you do to this phone?

02:31:42.000 Did you shoot this phone?

02:31:43.000 I broke the shit in Lowe's.

02:31:45.000 At the hardware store?

02:31:46.000 Yeah.

02:31:47.000 Is that a note?

02:31:48.000 Yeah, that's a note.

02:31:49.000 Those are great, aren't they?

02:31:50.000 Yeah, for old people like me who wants to see.

02:31:53.000 Those are great for going online, though.

02:31:54.000 Looking at webpages, can't beat it.

02:31:57.000 Can't beat it for that.

02:31:58.000 So here's me as a drug dealer.

02:32:00.000 Oh, I'll show you my kids.

02:32:03.000 Unfortunately, this is a podcast that people listen to.

02:32:06.000 I'm showing it to you, I know.

02:32:07.000 I know, but I'm saying that I wish that everybody who listens could get a photograph of this.

02:32:12.000 That's your kids right here?

02:32:13.000 Uh-huh.

02:32:14.000 That's me like 16. Wow.

02:32:19.000 That's crazy.

02:32:20.000 You at 16 with two kids, and one of them looks like it's six.

02:32:27.000 I'm not even fucking around.

02:32:29.000 That's crazy.

02:32:30.000 That's a child with children.

02:32:32.000 That's a child with children.

02:32:33.000 Wow, you have a crazy life, Miss Pat.

02:32:35.000 Yes, I do.

02:32:36.000 How did you choose the name Miss Pat?

02:32:38.000 How did you go with Miss Pat?

02:32:39.000 Because I was going to name myself Rabbit, but that was too close to my drug dealing life.

02:32:44.000 And so I didn't want to come to the stage Rabbit.

02:32:47.000 That's just too fucking black.

02:32:54.000 So I was like, well, what can I call myself?

02:32:56.000 And at that time, when I started being a comedian, I still had the little vending business at the dormant, and all my daughter's school classmate works for me, so everybody called me Miss Pat.

02:33:06.000 So I was like, well, that'll make people respect me, Miss Pat.

02:33:09.000 So I was like, okay, the kids named me.

02:33:12.000 That's a good one.

02:33:12.000 I like Miss Pat.

02:33:13.000 My name is Patricia.

02:33:14.000 Well, it's very easy to remember, too.

02:33:16.000 And it's unique to you.

02:33:17.000 And you automatically know I'm black.

02:33:20.000 It could be like an Asian.

02:33:23.000 No, you automatically know I'm black.

02:33:24.000 Miss Pat, that could be an Asian.

02:33:26.000 A crazy Asian chick who wears tight leather clothes.

02:33:28.000 Or gay Asian, dude.

02:33:29.000 No, I've walked up on people in mainstream rooms.

02:33:32.000 They were like, who performed tonight?

02:33:33.000 They were like, Ms. Pat.

02:33:35.000 Ms. Pat got to be black.

02:33:36.000 It's got to be some Def Jam.

02:33:37.000 And I'm standing there.

02:33:38.000 I'm like, no, bitch.

02:33:40.000 The fuck is you talking about white boy with your cat jokes?

02:33:43.000 With your cat jokes?

02:33:45.000 I fucking hate cat jokes.

02:33:48.000 Why do you hear cat jokes?

02:33:49.000 Because if you go to a mainstream club, all you fucking hear is cat jokes.

02:33:53.000 I'm like, can one of you fucking white boys rob a bank so you can be more fucking interested?

02:33:57.000 You gifted bastards.

02:33:59.000 Gifted bastards?

02:34:00.000 Yeah, you have it.

02:34:01.000 Gifted like privileged.

02:34:02.000 Privileged bastards.

02:34:03.000 I don't want to hear your cat.

02:34:04.000 You don't want to fucking change your litter box.

02:34:06.000 Hey, come on.

02:34:07.000 Let's rob a grocery store, bitch, so we can eat.

02:34:09.000 Let's do some real life shit.

02:34:12.000 What kind of cat jokes are you hearing?

02:34:13.000 Is this Indianapolis cat jokes?

02:34:14.000 No!

02:34:15.000 Everywhere I go, they got cat jokes!

02:34:17.000 And I don't fucking tell a cat joke in front of me.

02:34:20.000 It fucking dries my vagina out.

02:34:22.000 You need to go on stage at the UCB. What the fuck is that?

02:34:25.000 That's the hipster club.

02:34:26.000 That's the dudes who wear cardigans and they all have cats.

02:34:29.000 Everyone has cats.

02:34:30.000 They put cats in their hipster hips.

02:34:31.000 I know!

02:34:31.000 My fucking cat!

02:34:32.000 I have two cats.

02:34:34.000 You do?

02:34:35.000 I have two cats, two dogs, and 24 chickens.

02:34:38.000 Where the fuck do you live in California with chickens?

02:34:41.000 I live pretty far away from you.

02:34:42.000 I gotta tell you my chicken joke.

02:34:44.000 You got a chicken story?

02:34:45.000 My mama had one chicken in the backyard.

02:34:45.000 Yeah.

02:34:47.000 She had a lot of them, but she eventually killed them all.

02:34:49.000 So, I'm telling you the truth.

02:34:52.000 So, my life was so bad, I would go outside every day and just tell this chicken everything.

02:34:58.000 You know, cuckoo, my mama ain't shit.

02:35:00.000 This bitch is shooting at us.

02:35:02.000 I hate this bitch.

02:35:03.000 The chickens that was cuckoo.

02:35:05.000 His name was Cuckoo.

02:35:06.000 I fucking hated my mama, so I would talk to this chicken, and you know, a chicken walking around eating shit off the ground.

02:35:11.000 I really thought he was concerned and was listening to me.

02:35:14.000 So, honestly, I come home from school, and this bitch got my chicken.

02:35:19.000 My only friend that was listening to my pain by the neck and getting ready to kill him.

02:35:23.000 And the chicken's eyes is big, and I'm looking at the chicken, and he looking at me, and I'm like, nigga, did you snitch on me?

02:35:28.000 And she gonna fucking kill me next!

02:35:31.000 And she killed that chicken and she made me eat it.

02:35:34.000 Wow.

02:35:35.000 Well, you know, that's what a lot of people have chickens for.

02:35:38.000 They kill them and eat them.

02:35:40.000 I didn't know I made friends with it.

02:35:42.000 So that's why I don't have a chicken for a pet.

02:35:44.000 I don't have a dog because I had a dog named Pup Pup.

02:35:48.000 Pup Pup.

02:35:49.000 Cuckoo and Pup Pup.

02:35:50.000 Cuckoo and Pup Pup.

02:35:51.000 I used to love the fuck out of them.

02:35:52.000 So when Ronald Reagan got re-elected, Pup Pup got upset about the election, I assumed, and jumped out the back porch with a change on the neck and fucking hung itself.

02:36:01.000 That's why I won't vote Republican, because to this day, I say Ronald Reagan killed my fucking dog.

02:36:01.000 Wow.

02:36:06.000 Yeah.

02:36:07.000 Talk committed suicide because of Reagan.

02:36:09.000 Hey, I almost moved to Canada because of George Bush.

02:36:12.000 Really?

02:36:13.000 I thought about that shit.

02:36:14.000 When he re-won, when he won in 2004, I was like, this is a crazy place to live.

02:36:18.000 I gotta get out of here.

02:36:20.000 When he re-won, I was seriously thinking about going to Vancouver.

02:36:22.000 And that was on TV at the time.

02:36:24.000 I was like...

02:36:26.000 I would have been hard for me to move to Canada and still come back and do Fear Factor, but I was like, this is an insane place to live.

02:36:33.000 We've got to get out of here.

02:36:34.000 I was totally convinced we had to get out of here.

02:36:36.000 I was just going to try to get all my friends to move to Vancouver, too.

02:36:39.000 I mean, they all say they're going to do shit for us, but in the end, we are going to get fucked about them.

02:36:44.000 They don't give a fuck about us.

02:36:45.000 They just want to buy nice meals, nice suits, and do the fuck they want to do.

02:36:49.000 I wonder.

02:36:50.000 People don't care about people anymore.

02:36:52.000 When I was little, Joe, you could go to the black church and eat on Sunday for free for years until Ronald Reagan got re-elected.

02:37:01.000 I'm telling you, he fucked us up because after that, they started charging $5 for the meal.

02:37:06.000 And I haven't been made to the church since.

02:37:09.000 Five bucks seems reasonable.

02:37:10.000 But not when you live where I fucking live.

02:37:12.000 In the 80s?

02:37:14.000 On food stamps?

02:37:15.000 I got fruit once a month.

02:37:17.000 That was like $10, right?

02:37:19.000 Probably $20 in my neighborhood.

02:37:21.000 We didn't even eat fucking fruit.

02:37:23.000 We ate beans every fucking day.

02:37:25.000 But don't you think that times are tough and prices for things are expensive?

02:37:30.000 Do you really think that people don't care about people anymore?

02:37:32.000 No.

02:37:33.000 Really?

02:37:34.000 But don't you?

02:37:35.000 Yeah, I care about people.

02:37:36.000 Okay, aren't you a person?

02:37:37.000 If you my friend, you my fucking friend.

02:37:39.000 Alright, are we fucking friends or what?

02:37:41.000 We're not fucking friends, but we're friends.

02:37:43.000 No, I mean, you said my fucking friend.

02:37:44.000 You said that.

02:37:45.000 Oh, okay, okay.

02:37:46.000 You scared me there.

02:37:47.000 I'm not bad in words.

02:37:48.000 I am.

02:37:49.000 Yeah.

02:37:50.000 If you my friend, you my friend.

02:37:50.000 I don't mean to scare you.

02:37:52.000 And I'll do anything for you.

02:37:52.000 Okay.

02:37:53.000 I'm not a two-faced type bitch.

02:37:55.000 I'm down with you.

02:37:57.000 Okay, so...

02:37:57.000 But people say they down with you to get what you got.

02:38:02.000 Some.

02:38:03.000 Some.

02:38:04.000 You could say that about people.

02:38:04.000 Yeah.

02:38:07.000 And it is business.

02:38:08.000 This is a cutthroat.

02:38:10.000 This is almost like getting a drive-by in the hood.

02:38:13.000 I disagree.

02:38:14.000 You know why?

02:38:15.000 Why are you here then?

02:38:16.000 You're here because we want to help you.

02:38:19.000 I'm not talking about you.

02:38:21.000 But this is the business.

02:38:23.000 Some people do help.

02:38:24.000 I'm not saying everybody's like that.

02:38:26.000 This business is going on right now.

02:38:28.000 In this room is this business.

02:38:30.000 And in this business, we're just trying to help you.

02:38:33.000 So that's bullshit.

02:38:35.000 Whatever.

02:38:35.000 This is disarounding.

02:38:36.000 No, no, no.

02:38:37.000 You can find those people.

02:38:39.000 This is my thoughts on this business.

02:38:42.000 Yeah, you can find those people in this business.

02:38:44.000 But you can find those people everywhere.

02:38:46.000 You can also find people that are nice.

02:38:49.000 Yes.

02:38:49.000 I really believe there's more nice people than people give credit for.

02:38:53.000 Because the negative instances stand out.

02:38:56.000 It's like when people talk about online commenters on YouTube and shit like that.

02:39:02.000 Think about what percentage of people that is.

02:39:04.000 Everyone's like, there's a perfect example that society's doomed.

02:39:07.000 Go read.

02:39:08.000 I was reading something about Floyd Mayweather the other day.

02:39:10.000 Floyd Mayweather took a picture with his new girlfriend, and the fucking comments were so bad.

02:39:16.000 I think that is evil.

02:39:18.000 When you get on YouTube and you talk about Beyonce baby hair, I was like, these people are human.

02:39:24.000 People would say shit to me.

02:39:26.000 I did a podcast and I talked about putting drugs in my baby panties.

02:39:30.000 And everybody at the time was tweeting you to get me on.

02:39:33.000 So this dude was like...

02:39:34.000 Why would you want her on Joe Rogan when she put drugs in her baby pants?

02:39:37.000 I said, hold on, bitch.

02:39:38.000 I was 15 years old at the time.

02:39:40.000 Have you thought about where I was in my life at that time?

02:39:43.000 I said, plus, don't judge me, bitch.

02:39:45.000 You probably like fucking frozen cucumbers up your ass, but nobody's coming over your house trying to pull frozen cucumbers out your ass.

02:39:51.000 I'm not judging you because you like...

02:39:53.000 That's very specific.

02:39:54.000 Frozen cucumbers.

02:39:56.000 How do you know?

02:39:57.000 How do you make that call?

02:39:58.000 Why frozen?

02:39:59.000 Because if he doesn't have frozen cucumbers in his house, he's unclear.

02:40:02.000 They'll break.

02:40:02.000 Your entire argument is invalid.

02:40:04.000 I mean, when people do, they write ugly stuff.

02:40:08.000 Right.

02:40:08.000 But it's because they don't have to deal with you face-to-face.

02:40:12.000 Yeah.

02:40:12.000 See, that's not a normal way to communicate with people.

02:40:15.000 People get a free shot at you.

02:40:17.000 Like, you're Miss Pat.

02:40:18.000 You know, you're on the internet.

02:40:19.000 You're on a video.

02:40:20.000 They see it, and they can just start talking shit for free.

02:40:24.000 And more than one.

02:40:25.000 It's not one-on-one.

02:40:26.000 Like, if you were doing that in a room.

02:40:28.000 I would knock.

02:40:28.000 They fucking ass out.

02:40:30.000 No, it wouldn't happen.

02:40:30.000 But it wouldn't happen.

02:40:32.000 If you're in a room, like say if you were in a room and you're talking to me and then someone who's a YouTube commenter was sitting right there and listening to you talk, someone who would say something awful about you on YouTube, if they were sitting right next to you, they wouldn't say shit.

02:40:44.000 They wouldn't say it.

02:40:45.000 They wouldn't say shit.

02:40:47.000 And if they did say shit, if they did say something rude, you'd be like, where the fuck are you coming from?

02:40:52.000 First of all, I'm not talking about you.

02:40:52.000 Why are you coming at me?

02:40:54.000 I'm not talking to you.

02:40:56.000 This doesn't concern you.

02:40:57.000 So why are you making some sort of...

02:40:59.000 And then you'd have a conversation with that person, and they would be shown to be retarded, and then it would be done.

02:41:04.000 But they could just leave it on YouTube.

02:41:06.000 That comment is permanent.

02:41:08.000 This moron statement.

02:41:10.000 That's not supposed to happen in nature.

02:41:12.000 It's just not.

02:41:13.000 When you think about how many people that is though, that's a small...

02:41:16.000 What percentage of the people comments on YouTube videos?

02:41:19.000 Is it even one-tenth of one percent?

02:41:22.000 Yeah, but what is the number?

02:41:24.000 I mean, is it one-tenth of one percent?

02:41:26.000 Is it even that?

02:41:27.000 You can just look at the likes and dislikes of every video, and that pretty much sums it up.

02:41:31.000 Yeah, likes and dislikes is pretty easy, but comments sometimes are interesting.

02:41:35.000 We talked about that with Lewis from Unbox Therapy, that sometimes he gets people that are really knowledgeable, and they're interesting, and they have discussions in the comments.

02:41:35.000 Sometimes they're engaging.

02:41:42.000 But it's the shit like on Floyd May where they're talking about his girlfriend.

02:41:46.000 I was like, whoa.

02:41:47.000 They're jealous.

02:41:48.000 Not just jealous.

02:41:49.000 Hateful.

02:41:50.000 And they're also...

02:41:51.000 They're giving in to their situation.

02:41:55.000 They're giving in to that this guy is rich and famous and a superstar and successful.

02:42:01.000 And I am less...

02:42:03.000 I will never be in his position.

02:42:05.000 So I'm going to take free shots at him.

02:42:07.000 I'm going to throw rocks at him.

02:42:08.000 Because they would never say that in his face.

02:42:09.000 That's like when they was going around saying, comb Beyonce baby hair.

02:42:12.000 Who the fuck are you to tell the Beyonce...

02:42:14.000 That baby is more richer than all you motherfuckers I know.

02:42:17.000 If that baby want to have nappy hair and her parents want her to have nappy hair, that baby hair was nappy or whatever you want to call it.

02:42:22.000 She still look better than your fucking baby who was born on Medicaid, bitch.

02:42:27.000 Well, again, if the baby wasn't born on Medicaid, your argument is invalid.

02:42:31.000 And then you go, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

02:42:33.000 I'm just saying, period.

02:42:34.000 I know exactly what you're saying.

02:42:34.000 I mean, people pick at people and they don't realize that when you say stuff like that, they can hear it.

02:42:39.000 Well, it's just stupid.

02:42:40.000 It's just a stupid...

02:42:41.000 It's a situation that's never supposed to happen.

02:42:45.000 Human beings are supposed to communicate with each other.

02:42:48.000 They're not supposed to just communicate.

02:42:49.000 And when you just communicate, no one's there.

02:42:51.000 And you can just say whatever you want.

02:42:52.000 There's no repercussions.

02:42:53.000 You're in an echo chamber.

02:42:54.000 You don't even have the fucking name that you have.

02:42:57.000 Like, you're 69EatMe.

02:42:59.000 That's your YouTube name, you know?

02:43:01.000 So 69EatMe has all these things that they say, and they can say fucked up shit on every video they find online.

02:43:07.000 They're not even a real person.

02:43:08.000 And they could have 20 of those names.

02:43:10.000 They could do whatever they want.

02:43:11.000 That situation doesn't exist in nature.

02:43:14.000 But it doesn't mean that people are fucked up.

02:43:16.000 It means that there's an avenue for fucked up people to express themselves that didn't exist before and there's evidence of that.

02:43:22.000 I had a fat girl one time.

02:43:24.000 I was on Bob and Tom and I said some stuff like, Oh, my husband don't think I'm funny.

02:43:28.000 You know, I don't like being fat because fat girls like to eat all the time.

02:43:31.000 So this lady sent me like a long-ass email.

02:43:33.000 How dare you talk about the fat girl?

02:43:35.000 And why is you on that Klansman show with them white dudes?

02:43:38.000 And you this.

02:43:39.000 And fat girls are sexy.

02:43:41.000 And she sent me all these fucking coupons.

02:43:43.000 Then she sent me all these fucking little things for clothes for fat girls.

02:43:47.000 All of them was fucking leopard.

02:43:48.000 And I don't put on no leopard anyway.

02:43:50.000 Leopard?

02:43:51.000 Yeah, leopard and tiger.

02:43:51.000 Everything was leopard?

02:43:52.000 That's what fat girls wear, leopards and tigers.

02:43:54.000 They want them to look like animals so you can shoot the shit out of them.

02:43:57.000 And so, I was...

02:44:00.000 Why do they always wear leopard?

02:44:03.000 Look at Lane Bryant and Ashley Stewart.

02:44:05.000 They always fucking...

02:44:06.000 Everything is animal print.

02:44:08.000 I think they're trying to kill us.

02:44:11.000 I don't wear that shit.

02:44:12.000 I wear black.

02:44:13.000 Okay, big, okay.

02:44:15.000 So look at big girls clothes.

02:44:17.000 I'm telling you, so she sent me this jumper and she was like, big girls are sexy.

02:44:21.000 And so I was going to tear her ass up and my husband talked me out of it.

02:44:24.000 What you need to do is you need to write a bit about big girls wearing animal prints.

02:44:28.000 I do have a bit.

02:44:29.000 Do you have a bit about that?

02:44:30.000 Yeah.

02:44:30.000 I need to hear that bit.

02:44:33.000 Yeah.

02:44:34.000 It's so true.

02:44:35.000 It is.

02:44:36.000 I told you.

02:44:36.000 Look at it.

02:44:37.000 Giant girl with leopard titties.

02:44:39.000 Titties.

02:44:40.000 Look.

02:44:41.000 Everything tiger and animals and zebra.

02:44:44.000 Zebra pants.

02:44:45.000 Why is that?

02:44:46.000 Why they think we want to look like a bear or some shit?

02:44:46.000 I don't know.

02:44:51.000 I said leopard and I said bear.

02:44:53.000 Leopard, bear.

02:44:55.000 I don't know.

02:44:57.000 That is a weird thing.

02:44:59.000 Maybe it's like an attempt, an appeal, the animalistic side to make you more attractive.

02:45:04.000 I don't know, but I hate it.

02:45:04.000 I don't buy leopard panties.

02:45:06.000 I just think, I'm serious.

02:45:08.000 My husband don't want to see my big old ass walk around on leopard panties and on leopard bra.

02:45:12.000 And then I got stomach hanging over the front of that.

02:45:14.000 He don't want to see that shit.

02:45:15.000 No.

02:45:16.000 No, I don't buy like Valentine's Day.

02:45:19.000 Look Valentine's Day.

02:45:20.000 It's always a pink and red leopard lingerie for fat girls.

02:45:25.000 I'm not putting myself in that shit.

02:45:27.000 I'm not doing it.

02:45:28.000 No lingerie?

02:45:29.000 No, I still put a t-shirt.

02:45:31.000 Okay.

02:45:32.000 With my panties on.

02:45:33.000 Don't be angry at me.

02:45:34.000 No.

02:45:35.000 I'm past the lingerie part, baby.

02:45:36.000 When I lost my virginity in the graveyard, I'm done.

02:45:39.000 Lingerie is over.

02:45:40.000 Now, seeing your husband lose all his weight and go vegan, does that make you want to do anything?

02:45:45.000 Yeah, but I'm lazy.

02:45:47.000 You gotta know your boundaries.

02:45:50.000 I need a sponsor.

02:45:51.000 Y'all send me some free Nutrisystem food.

02:45:53.000 But you're not lazy because you hustle.

02:45:55.000 I hustle my ass off.

02:45:57.000 So how does that work?

02:45:58.000 Everybody got that one thing that they can't accomplish right off.

02:46:01.000 And that for me is losing weight.

02:46:03.000 I just lost 30 pounds on Nutrisystem.

02:46:06.000 And so you know what?

02:46:07.000 I don't have $300 this month.

02:46:09.000 I quit.

02:46:12.000 Nutrisystem food is still at the house.

02:46:13.000 I went straight to Chick-fil-A. What is Nutrisystem?

02:46:16.000 How does that work?

02:46:17.000 They send you healthy foods and meals.

02:46:19.000 And it works if you can afford it.

02:46:22.000 But I missed one gig and I couldn't afford it no more.

02:46:26.000 One gig?

02:46:27.000 I think Weight Watchers is the best.

02:46:28.000 Have you ever tried Weight Watchers?

02:46:29.000 I used to do Weight Watchers.

02:46:30.000 I can't count no fucking points.

02:46:31.000 I'm busy.

02:46:33.000 I got a GD. I can't keep up with that kind of shit.

02:46:36.000 I just moved my niece and her four kids and I ain't got time to be counting shit.

02:46:42.000 I can't do that.

02:46:43.000 I need something you can pop in the microwave, eat it, and then go about your business.

02:46:47.000 Yeah, but if you had, like, this is what I believe.

02:46:51.000 I believe that you're going to be very successful.

02:46:53.000 That's what I believe.

02:46:53.000 Absolutely.

02:46:54.000 Thank you.

02:46:54.000 You're going to have crazy, crazy money.

02:46:56.000 And when you do, are you going to get, like, a private chef?

02:46:59.000 A personal trainer and a chef to cook you, like, healthy meals?

02:47:03.000 I'm going to ring a bell.

02:47:04.000 Ding, ding, ding!

02:47:05.000 Bring me my thousand calories!

02:47:07.000 Are we going to see Miss Pat shrivel up?

02:47:08.000 Or are we going to see Miss Pat say, thank you very much for the healthy meal, and you shut your door and bolt it, and then...

02:47:13.000 Pull a drawer out from underneath your bed and you start stacking cakes and Twinkies and Snickers bars.

02:47:22.000 If I can get half of my sixth grade figure back.

02:47:26.000 Half of it.

02:47:27.000 Just half of it.

02:47:28.000 I used to be 140 pounds.

02:47:30.000 Wow.

02:47:30.000 Oh, God.

02:47:31.000 And nice round titties and both nipples.

02:47:34.000 That was a good old thing.

02:47:35.000 Slowly work your way back to that.

02:47:38.000 We can make this happen.

02:47:39.000 Healthy.

02:47:40.000 Shoot at me?

02:47:40.000 What you gonna do?

02:47:41.000 Make me run?

02:47:43.000 It costs to eat healthy.

02:47:45.000 It does.

02:47:45.000 Well, you know what?

02:47:46.000 I was eating healthy.

02:47:47.000 Then I moved my niece in.

02:47:48.000 My niece was homeless with four kids.

02:47:50.000 She's 23 years old.

02:47:51.000 So I said, okay.

02:47:52.000 I raised her for 10 years.

02:47:53.000 My mama came back and fucked up her life.

02:47:55.000 So I went home for Christmas and I fucking got my niece four kids.

02:47:59.000 And I just started back eating.

02:48:01.000 I was so stressed out.

02:48:02.000 I mean, how do you bring five people into your house?

02:48:04.000 Kids literally had no shoes, no nothing.

02:48:08.000 And I took everything I had to get these kids back together.

02:48:12.000 I mean, these kids were so behind on their shots forever.

02:48:15.000 Her four-year-old was getting newborn shots.

02:48:17.000 Oh my god.

02:48:19.000 So I had, I mean, I think that brought on a lot of stress and I was like, fuck it, I'm just gonna start back here.

02:48:24.000 I'm sure, I'm sure.

02:48:25.000 Yeah.

02:48:26.000 Stress is a fucker.

02:48:27.000 And when you hit stress, the first thing you do when you hit like a real bad patch is to go back to whatever comforts you.

02:48:33.000 Yeah.

02:48:33.000 For some people it's food, for some people it's cigarettes, for some people it's booze, you know.

02:48:38.000 And I need to lose weight.

02:48:39.000 Oh my god.

02:48:40.000 100 pounds would do me justice.

02:48:42.000 You're too funny.

02:48:43.000 We gotta keep you healthy.

02:48:44.000 Yeah, you're right.

02:48:45.000 We gotta keep you healthy.

02:48:46.000 I won't drop dead.

02:48:47.000 When are you back here again?

02:48:48.000 We gotta do this again.

02:48:49.000 We ran out of time.

02:48:49.000 We just did three hours.

02:48:50.000 Oh, we did?

02:48:51.000 Yep.

02:48:52.000 Fuck, I feel like I've been here for 30 minutes.

02:48:54.000 It's crazy.

02:48:54.000 I know.

02:48:55.000 It just flew by.

02:48:56.000 Three hours is over.

02:48:57.000 I don't know.

02:48:57.000 Whenever you call for me, I'll be here.

02:48:59.000 You got an open invitation anytime you want to come on.

02:49:02.000 Anytime.

02:49:02.000 Well, thank you.

02:49:03.000 Can I promote my website and stuff?

02:49:05.000 Fuck yeah, please do.

02:49:06.000 Y'all know my Twitter, Comedienne Miss Pat.

02:49:06.000 Y'all, please.

02:49:08.000 Comedienne Miss Pat, Facebook, Instagram.

02:49:10.000 Comedienne, like as in girl comedian.

02:49:12.000 Yeah, as in girl comedian.

02:49:12.000 That's a very controversial thing.

02:49:14.000 Like a lot of female comedians that just say, I'm a fucking comedian.

02:49:17.000 I'm not a comedian.

02:49:18.000 Well, I asked my friend who had the college degree.

02:49:20.000 I was like, I need you to spell comedian the girl right.

02:49:23.000 So she Googled it.

02:49:24.000 Well, the good thing is if you just type in M-S-P-A-T, it comes up.

02:49:29.000 M-S-P-A-T. And I have an Instagram, Facebook, and my website is MissPatComedy.

02:49:36.000 MissPatComedy.com.

02:49:36.000 Yeah, MissPatComedy.com.

02:49:38.000 I want to do a couple of dates.

02:49:40.000 Please join me at Toledo, Ohio, August 8th through 9th at last.

02:49:45.000 I'll be at the Funny Bone one night only.

02:49:47.000 So it's very important that you come out to the Funny Bone.

02:49:50.000 I want to show them that I have some fans.

02:49:52.000 Which Funny Bone?

02:49:54.000 Atlanta?

02:49:55.000 Hell no.

02:49:56.000 It's Dayton.

02:49:57.000 Dayton.

02:49:57.000 Dayton Funny Bone.

02:49:58.000 Dayton Funny Bone, yeah.

02:49:59.000 Funny Bone Atlanta is a good spot.

02:50:01.000 We ain't got no Funny Bone in Atlanta.

02:50:03.000 Don't they?

02:50:03.000 No, we got an improv.

02:50:04.000 Punchline.

02:50:05.000 Punchline, yeah.

02:50:06.000 They don't book me yet.

02:50:07.000 Funny Bone is Columbus.

02:50:08.000 Columbus, Funny Bone.

02:50:09.000 Yeah, and Dayton.

02:50:10.000 I'm in Dayton.

02:50:11.000 Dayton.

02:50:11.000 And Zaney's August 28th through the 31st, Chicago.

02:50:15.000 Chicago.

02:50:15.000 Good room.

02:50:16.000 Yes, great room.

02:50:17.000 And Oklahoma City...

02:50:20.000 Oklahoma City, I'll be there September the 10th through the 13th at the Loony Benz.

02:50:25.000 Is all this on your website?

02:50:27.000 All of this is on my website.

02:50:29.000 MissPatComedy.com MissPatComedy.com Thank you so much.

02:50:32.000 This has been a lot of fun.

02:50:33.000 I really, really enjoyed it.

02:50:34.000 And thank you to the fans who got me here.

02:50:37.000 And I want to thank my friend Avery at Morty's Comedy Joint.

02:50:41.000 Because he told me three years ago, he said, if you get on Joe Rogan, some shit might happen.

02:50:47.000 And I said, who the fuck is Joe Rogan?

02:50:50.000 And look, I'm here.

02:50:52.000 Beautiful.

02:50:52.000 Avery made it real.

02:50:54.000 Avery, diligent at Morty's Company.

02:50:56.000 And give a big shout out to Randy, who's helping me with a project in Indy.

02:51:01.000 That was a beautiful podcast.

02:51:02.000 That was a lot of fun.

02:51:03.000 Thank you.

02:51:04.000 Thank y'all for having me.

02:51:06.000 Am I the first black woman?

02:51:08.000 No.

02:51:09.000 Tiffany wasn't on this, though.

02:51:11.000 She was on the other one, Ice House Chronicles.

02:51:15.000 Maybe.

02:51:16.000 Oh shit, I broke history.

02:51:17.000 I'm the Rosa Parks.

02:51:19.000 You might be the Rosa Parks of this podcast.

02:51:21.000 Hell yeah.

02:51:22.000 I think she is.

02:51:22.000 I feel like we're...

02:51:23.000 Maybe.

02:51:24.000 Shut the fuck up, Red Bean.

02:51:25.000 I'm the first one.

02:51:27.000 I thought his name was Red Bean.

02:51:29.000 I met him last night.

02:51:31.000 It is now.

02:51:32.000 Guess what?

02:51:32.000 It is Red Bean now.

02:51:34.000 Now it is.

02:51:35.000 That shit's gonna stick.

02:51:37.000 Alright, thanks to our sponsor.

02:51:38.000 Thanks to honor.com.

02:51:39.000 Go to O-N-N-I-T, use the code word ROGAN, and save 10% off any and all supplements.

02:51:44.000 Also, thanks to NatureBox.

02:51:46.000 Go get your yum-yums on, folks.

02:51:47.000 Rich and delicious and healthy and nutritious.

02:51:51.000 NatureBox.com slash ROGAN. Go there and enjoy it.

02:51:54.000 If you don't get the sriracha cashews, you're a sucker.

02:51:57.000 MC. MC. Naturebox.com slash Rogan.

02:51:59.000 Get 50% off your month's first box.

02:52:02.000 And thanks also to Stamps.com.

02:52:05.000 Go to Stamps.com.

02:52:06.000 Use the code word J-R-E and save yourself some money.

02:52:10.000 Much love, my friends.

02:52:11.000 We'll be back soon.

02:52:13.000 Take care.

02:52:14.000 Drive safe.

02:52:15.000 Eat your vegetables.

02:52:16.000 Big kiss.

02:52:18.000 Oh, August 1st, Ace Hotel and Theater, Downtown L.A., Joey Diaz, Duncan Trussell, and moi.

02:52:25.000 Come laugh with us.

02:52:27.000 See you soon.

02:52:30.000 Can I just tape you saying happy birthday, Ace?

02:52:35.000 Yeah, sure.

02:52:36.000 Yeah, definitely.

The Joe Rogan Experience - July 29, 2014

Joe Rogan Experience #527 - Ms. Pat

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