In this episode of the Joe Rogan Experience, the boys talk about the new TriCaster, how they're going to fix the problem with the mic, and how much they love Netflix now that they don't have to pay for regular TV anymore. Also, we talk about how much better it is now that we can watch TV on the go and not have commercials interrupt the show. Joe also talks about how he's going to get rid of all the commercials on TV and why he doesn't like them. Also, he talks about why he thinks they suck and why they should be cut off at 15 minutes and 15 seconds. Joe is a standup comedian and podcaster and is one of the funniest people I've ever met. He's funny, smart, and smart as hell, and he's not afraid to say it. Thank you for listening and supporting the pod! -Joe Rogan and the Podcast Subscribe to the show on iTunes and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts and other podcasting platforms! Subscribe on iTunes Learn more about your ad choices. Rate/subscribe in Apple Podcast, review, and tell a friend about what you're listening to and what you think of the podCast and what's going on in your life! Rate/reviews/listen to the pod, rating/subscribing and review are some of the best podcasters are listening to this podcast! and what are you listening to on your favorite pod and what do you think about it? Thanks for listening to your thoughts on the podcast and review and review on iTunes, and share it with a friend or review on your podcast or review and what else is going to your friends are listening about it's the most awesome podcast or what's your life is listening to you're doing the most of it's most awesome podcast experience and what s going to be the most awesomeness and most amazing thing you're getting the most amazing podcasting experience? Enjoy & more! XOXO, and don't forget to subscribe to it's a great podcast, and we'll be listening to it and sharing it on your thoughts and more of your thoughts about it on the next episode of that's the best podcast you're having a good day with your favorite podcast or your favorite thing and all that's going out there's more of that and more! <3 - Thank you so much love,
00:04:27.000So I don't interrupt any podcast, and I don't, because I don't want that.
00:04:31.000When I'm listening to stuff, I like stuff to go all the way through to the end.
00:04:34.000And I'd be more inclined to support something that supported that than I would be to inclined to support something that's that same old system.
00:04:51.000Well, I usually just say, hey, go to, if you want to help out, just go to Shop Squad, and then that just takes care of everything in one little swoop.
00:08:26.000It's really well written, because they set up the first episodes.
00:08:29.000I don't want to give any spoilers, but a family moves into this house, and Jessica Lange is, like, the neighbor, or she comes by, and she comes by, like, unannounced.
00:08:37.000It's real creepy how she does it, and, you know, you know she's fucking nuts, and so the guy's there with his wife and his children, and you're like, oh, fuck.
00:09:28.000You get access to all of Amazon Prime's stuff also, and they have their own shows, and you can also rent movies through them, which is nice.
00:09:35.000Yeah, it's all the options that are available today.
00:09:57.000And I think CBS just announced that they have something for, like, $5, and you just get all of this CBS, which is silly because you can get it for free already, but I guess the convenience of downloading whatever you want.
00:10:08.000So if you just want to watch Game of Thrones, fuck them.
00:10:10.000Yeah, yeah, you just go HBO online, right?
00:10:13.000It's pretty much becoming of a cart, which is something that I've always wanted in a cable company, being able to pick and choose which channels you want.
00:10:21.000Yeah, and when you develop a show, like if you, when I was doing that sci-fi show, you film the show, you edit it, and once it's edited, then it has to wait for, you know, whatever night it's on, Tuesday night at 8 o'clock, whatever it is, and then You wait for it to go on, and then the show broadcasts live,
00:10:36.000Tuesday night at 8, and they sandwich in a bunch of shit that you don't want to see.
00:10:40.000So in between that, you're watching Prilosec commercials and fucking Toyota commercials and all this shit that you don't give a fuck.
00:11:27.000South Park is a good example of them doing it right, where they actually I think have sponsors, but they just trash the sponsor the whole time.
00:12:07.000But then a couple years ago on his radio show, he said something.
00:12:10.000I'm sitting there watching Diane Sawyer, and she pops up on the screen, and all of a sudden they pop up the sponsors that left them.
00:12:19.000Those sponsors were like, fuck Rush Limbaugh, we just hit the jackpot.
00:12:23.000That's what they don't really realize.
00:12:25.000If they sponsor Joey Diaz's radio show, and he says, fuck whoever, whatever genre group, and they get rid of him, Diane Sawyer's gonna come up and go, did you hear what happened to Joey Diaz today?
00:12:36.000And also they show American Airlines, Delta.
00:12:57.000But Adam had this chick, Alison Rosen, who was on her show, and he just decided he wanted to try something different, which is his prerogative.
00:19:27.000This is a term they use for video games, where, with CGI, they're really close to being able to completely replicate what a person normally looks like.
00:22:50.000All those women, those East Coast women, the fake tits, the fat taking off their body, the tightening the legs, the ass implants, you can put implants in your ass.
00:23:01.000By the way, dog, I've been torturing this hooker for about a month.
00:28:17.000She's young, because she came into the coffee shop once, and she started asking us questions about where this at, like, playing us, you know, like, just in case somebody said, you look good.
00:29:07.000Well, it's, you know, you should be able to wear whatever the fuck you want to wear, but when I see, like, a Chinese chick with blonde hair, an Asian chick with blonde hair, or a black chick with blonde hair, I'm like, you look good with black hair.
00:31:21.000He gets a fucking weave and everything.
00:31:23.000Well, they also have these wigs that have what, it's like a lace front, so it looks like your skin, like they glue it to your head, and it looks like the hair is coming right out of your skin until you get right up in there, and you're like, What the fuck's going on there?
00:31:38.000Yeah, they don't have that downright either.
00:31:42.000I don't know if you ever see that, where they take a CEO of Boston Market, and then he gets thrown in as a regular employee at one of their stores.
00:31:51.000And it's cool because he catches all the things wrong with his store and people don't know.
00:31:55.000But they always give him, like, the dumbest, like, fake mustache.
00:32:11.000Like, so many of them are set up in advance, and especially ones that make people look bad, because you've got to think, like, how much are they going to pay this person to ruin their life?
00:32:29.000Yeah, well, they say how they do that is they say it's a different reality show.
00:32:33.000It's like, this is a reality show about a guy that's, he's a waiter at this table, and we're giving him the opportunity to own his own restaurant.
00:32:39.000So it's like another game show that's not Undercover Boss.
00:33:48.000We put him in the middle of Hollywood and gave him a suit and put some news cameras, like it was a news camera show, and had these people come over and you had to tell people that you were there to talk to someone who was a witness for a UFO. And they took off and you got to ask these other people,
00:34:13.000Would you pretend that you saw this UFO? And you gotta get them to admit that they were taken aboard the aircraft and that they were probed.
00:34:22.000That they did some medical examinations on them.
00:36:22.000Not only that, we assume that these aliens, that everybody keeps seeing these gray aliens with the big black eyes, we assume that they're living beings.
00:36:32.000If we're this close to To crossing that uncanny valley and making some sort of an artificial computer generated image.
00:36:39.000If the technology continues to accelerate to the point where you can actually get a ship to go through a fucking wormhole, the real impeding factor, I would think, would be biological life.
00:36:51.000Like, why send something living when you can make something artificial?
00:36:54.000They're so close to being able to make artificial life.
00:36:56.000And when I say so close, within 100 years?
00:36:59.000I mean, I don't think anybody disputes that.
00:37:01.000They'll have some form of artificial life within 100 years.
00:37:16.000Like, the universe is 14 billion years old, supposedly.
00:37:20.000So that means an extra 10 billion years for things to form and possibly grow.
00:37:25.000Even at one billion years, even a million years.
00:37:28.000Who the fuck knows what we could do in a million years?
00:37:30.000So if these UFOs show up and these little aliens are inside of it, they're probably robots.
00:37:34.000I would assume that unless they figure out some incredible way to bypass space and time and to fold space and create a wormhole and punch through like they did in Event Horizon and all these physics documentaries where they talk about the possibility of using wormholes, it's all crazy theoretical shit.
00:37:52.000But until they figure out how to do that and send, like, monkeys back and forth for a few years, they're not...
00:37:57.000I mean, why wouldn't they just send robots?
00:37:58.000Just like we're sending a robot to Mars.
00:38:00.000I mean, it looks like a toaster and it's got wheels and it's rolling around, but it's a robot.
00:38:04.000If we sent a robot that looked like Tracy Lords and it was walking around on Mars, I mean, that would be what it looked like.
00:38:10.000You know, it just so happens that we sent one that looks like a toaster.
00:40:27.000So you got to think, you know, there's the Cold War days and the Russians and there's all this, the technological races to try to get to the moon and all that other shit.
00:40:35.000I mean, we were racing with the Russians virtually everything.
00:40:38.000Nuclear power, nuclear weapons, space travel.
00:40:42.000And so this Bell Labs apparently played a very vital role in, you know, United States strategic technology advancement, like, for whatever it was.
00:40:51.000But this American computer company was convinced that all this shit came from UFOs, from the crash saucer in Roswell, and they back-engineered it.
00:41:01.000There's a lot of people that believe that.
00:41:02.000Northern New Jersey is like the capital, if you look at fucking sightings.
00:42:32.000The CIA came out with this report recently about how many of the UFO sightings that people saw was actually experimental aircraft that they were working on.
00:43:11.000They couldn't land them in, like, 1962. But they could launch them.
00:43:14.000So what they were gonna do is they were gonna have this plane take off, and they were gonna say all these people were in it, and they were gonna blow it up in the sky.
00:43:23.000And that was gonna be what led us to go to war with Cuba.
00:43:26.000Because that was when, like, the Russians were trying to put military bases there, and they were gonna have missiles pointed at the U.S. from right over there.
00:43:33.000That was the Bay of Pigs and all that shit.
00:43:37.000There was this, like, real showdown between the United States and Russia.
00:43:41.000Over Cuba and over them having missiles in Cuba.
00:43:44.000And one of the things that we're going to do, they're going to arm Cuban friendlies.
00:43:47.000They're going to give, like, people that they had good relationships with, they're going to give them arms and have them attack Guantanamo Bay, because we have a military base in Cuba.
00:43:55.000And this blowing up this airliner was a big part of their thing.
00:43:59.000Like, everyone's going to make up a bunch of fake people, and they're all missing, and have actors play their parents crying on TV, all that kind of shit.
00:44:06.000But they had the capability in 1962 to shoot a plane up.
00:44:11.000They couldn't land it, like I said, but they could definitely fly that fucking thing.
00:45:53.000But my point being that when those things flew by, we were out there in Palmdale, and those things flew by because it was a lot of military activity.
00:46:00.000It was right when the war was about to start.
00:46:02.000They looked like they were from another planet, man.
00:46:25.000It looks like a scene in Star Wars where you have some sort of a starport and then, you know, in the background all these planes are landing and taking off into space.
00:46:33.000That's what we all thought we would be seeing by now anyway, right?
00:47:01.000The flying cars they do have will fucking kill you.
00:47:05.000Actually, there's one that's supposed to be pretty good.
00:47:08.000There's a couple different guys who've made flying cars, but one of them has, like, these folding wings, and you drive around like this, and then when you take off, the thing goes clink, clink, and the wings come down, and you fly.
00:47:20.000Like, so you're driving around with the wings up, and you can drive around town like a normal, you know, as good as, like, a Prius or something, and then when you want to, you lower the wings down.
00:47:40.000Everyone's houses will have, like, a car in it at one point.
00:47:43.000I think once they figure out, like, Google Drive, you know, like Google's driving cars, and they figure out how to keep cars in their lanes and have them avoid each other, like, no matter what, they can't collide.
00:47:54.000Once that technology becomes, like, standard, then I think you might be able to have some sort of a flying vehicle.
00:48:00.000But until they do, you're gonna have people...
00:48:03.000Like, you ever watch people in, like, little private planes just fly around?
00:48:53.000I have that dashboard camera now, so everywhere I go, it records HD video, and every night during the rainstorm, just pull out, save it to computer.
00:49:01.000There's just tons of clips of people, like, running red lights, almost hitting other cars.
00:49:29.000Like, none of that rain did anything, right?
00:49:32.000I mean, it's better than no rain, but we need 11 trillion gallons.
00:49:36.000Up north, they're taking the water out of the ground.
00:49:40.000Recycling it and using it again on all the vegetation that's up north, you know, Bakersfield, all those little towns that have, that live off cherries or whatever the fuck they live off, strawberries and shit.
00:49:53.000Yeah, like the agricultural towns, right?
00:49:55.000I just watched it up 60 Minutes a couple weeks ago was on.
00:49:57.000New company, they're busy till fucking 2020. Are they making wells?
00:50:48.000And you pay for it, but it's a new machine, and it's tremendous.
00:50:52.000Do you think in the future we're gonna have our own water?
00:50:56.000Like, the water's gonna be so, you know, bad that we have our own, like, I don't know, 20 gallons supply of water that we can use to cook, wash ourselves, then we pee it out, Clean it, but it's our personal water.
00:51:57.000Like, somehow or another, it gets reused, it evaporates, it comes down again.
00:52:01.000It's all kind of contained in this crazy ball.
00:52:04.000And they say that a lot of the water that we drink, you know, it's very likely some of it passed through an animal's body.
00:52:11.000And was pissed out and was filtered down through, like, a stream.
00:52:15.000Like, have you ever, like, seen a creek where you have, like, crystal clear spring water that's coming down from a glacier?
00:52:22.000Like, that is a woolly mammoth dick pissed out some of this water, and that water, like, seeped into the earth or gets sucked up in moisture.
00:52:30.000It's very possible that a lot of this stuff actually came from animals' dicks.
00:52:35.000So if we get to a point where we're so good at recycling water that you know when you're getting water, even though it was poopy water or piss water or whatever, there's nothing in there but water.
00:53:51.000People like to be bohemian and use that city water.
00:53:54.000I was watching some news show the other day, I forget what town I'm in, but it was showing, I think it was San Francisco, they were showing all these different blocks where you couldn't drink the water right now.
00:54:04.000Like, there was this whole area where they're saying, don't drink the water if you live on these streets.
00:54:47.000But they say that that's one of the things that is bad for people when you have distilled water.
00:54:50.000As you drink distilled water, it doesn't have any minerals in it.
00:54:53.000Like, you can actually kind of fuck your body up if you only drink distilled water.
00:54:57.000Like, distilled water is something that wrestlers take a lot of times before they cut weight, because when you drink it, it flushes all your system out, it flushes all the minerals in your...
00:55:06.000But a lot of people are saying, like, I don't think Dolce fucks with that stuff.
00:55:09.000I think a lot of guys are saying, like, that is not good for you.
00:55:37.000So it says, in the past five decades or so, evidence has been accumulating about an environmental factor which appears to be influencing mortality, in particular, cardiovascular mortality, and this is the hardness of the drink in water.
00:58:00.000Like, if you don't have minerals, that's where osteoporosis comes from, you lack of calcium, your body starts drawing calcium out of your bones.
00:58:06.000Like, one of the best ways to prevent it, you take calcium.
00:58:09.000But they also say that a lot of our farmlands, like the vegetables that we're getting and the plants that we eat, a lot of them are nutrient deficient because a lot of the farmlands, they've been growing shit on them for so long, they kind of sucked all the good stuff out of the ground.
01:02:10.000I do know that when I used to have it in my vials and, like, sell it, and I'd just be like, you got a sugar cube, and I'd just drop a little drop on the sugar cube.
01:02:18.000That never had the back Or the bone problems, you know, with the liquid acid.
01:02:22.000And the micro dots didn't either, because those were like those little black ones that pretty much just had a bubble of acid.
01:03:13.000For example, that strychnine is commonly sold as a cheaper substitute for LSD by unscrupulous drug dealers, that strychnine is a byproduct of LSD synthesis, that the body produces strychnine as a result of LSD metabolism, or that strychnine is used as a preservative Yeah.
01:03:56.000They used to always also say that the old, which always seemed fake, like, ooh, so much strychnine on that, that it collects in your back, and if you ever get in a car accident and hit that part in your back, you're going to trip forever.
01:04:29.000I'd love to have you involved to raise consciousness and expand consciousness sort of in an overall sense of consciousness.
01:04:37.000It's basically like the vibe I'm on right now is I don't even care about money.
01:04:42.000I'm just all about spreading peace and consciousness.
01:04:47.000It's so funny, those guys that you meet, that follow you, that are fans of you, but the other day, there was a few of them, and we would play this game where one would come up to us and start talking.
01:04:59.000No, but Christina Piszczycki was there, and he starts talking to me and Christina.
01:05:05.000Christina said something to him, and the next thing she knows, she looks over, and I'm gone, you know, because I'm just kind of like, Hot potato, you pass off the crazy person, too.
01:05:13.000It's one thing I'm not enjoying about being at the Comedy Store is how many people are pitching me ideas.
01:06:21.000He was really cool about it in comparison to how many other different people have come by with ridiculous ideas where they weren't cool about it.
01:06:29.000I had to tell a guy last night, I'm like, dude, you've got to stop pitching me.
01:06:47.000You need to move to Denver with Rogan and open up a weed store and when people come, you pick them up at the airport and do a tour of the city and donate half your money to the charity.
01:08:31.000I go to my room, I watch all this shit that I can't watch at home because there's a baby around and a wife asking you questions about the hemisphere when you're in the middle of writing fucking something, you know?
01:08:40.000But you can't say no to the kid because they don't get what the fuck.
01:09:58.000You have great conversations with some of those people.
01:10:01.000It's the people that, like, interrupt other conversations, just sandwich themselves in, and, gay, I've got to talk to you about this movie.
01:13:37.000I don't think people understand how creepy that actually sounds, because they're probably from a small town where it's like, you know, they're bringing apple pie over to strangers, like, I'm your neighbor, you know, and shit like that.
01:13:47.000In the middle of talking to someone last night, this guy comes over, interrupts, and the first words are in his mouth, hey man, can you do me a favor?
01:13:53.000And he's got his camera out, and he wants me to make a video for him.
01:15:33.000You know, if I wanna smoke, and there's times I smoke with people, but there's other times that I'm already baked, and I gotta get back on Laurel Canyon.
01:15:40.000What if I get pulled over and I got your shitty weed on my fucking breath?
01:17:50.000And what are you saying, I can't do it in public or I'm going to be interrupted every five seconds by somebody who wants to take a photograph?
01:20:19.000I've never come up to someone and said, hey man, if there's this project, if we had a name attached to it like you, I really think you could jump off.
01:21:06.000I've had people that told me they've never gone on stage before, but they know that they would be fucking awesome, and if they could just go up during my show, it would be the right kind of show to go up for, because we have the same sensibilities.
01:21:21.000You should just go directly to a bunch of people that paid to see me and I'll just let you on stage and you do whatever the fuck you want to do and I don't even know you.
01:21:29.000Who says, hey, man, I'm the best basically baseball player of all time, and just, like, Dodgers should just let me play one day and just get out there and show what I can do?
01:21:45.000And this town is like a magnet for them.
01:21:48.000Because some of them get on TV. Some of them get on a reality show and they're so retarded that they're compelling and that you listen to them.
01:22:07.000Don Barris, Jimmy Kimmel put together, took this guy who was out of his fucking mind, and they had this guy convinced that he was a movie star, and that he was something special, and he was a celebrity, and they hosed him the entire way.
01:22:20.000I mean, the guy wasn't in on it at all.
01:22:23.000And that fucking guy's still around, man.
01:22:24.000And he still thinks he gets people coming to his shows.
01:27:40.000I used to make it from San Diego in an hour 35. Yeah, that's nice when that happens.
01:27:45.000Not a lot of people could make my records 120. That's when the drug dealer was closing at 1. When that drug dealer was closing at 1, Doug, I used to get off the stage at the Comedy Store in La Jolla.
01:34:14.000She would book Miami, Buffalo, and Cleveland.
01:34:16.000What she used to do to comics was fucking rude, bro.
01:34:19.000The statements you hear are the opinions of Joey Diaz and Joey Diaz alone.
01:34:21.000That's my opinion in my fucking heart, my nutsack.
01:34:25.000You know, these people actually picked up this thing like they were important, and they were no more important than talent.
01:34:30.000Well, I got to tell you, though, the co-argument, the counter-argument to that is that Mark Babbitt, I think, as crazy as he was, was responsible for creating a scene, like a creative scene.
01:36:42.000So the first time he booked me, he asked, I called him, he goes, I don't have a feature spot for you, but I have an MC spot, I'm gonna pay you 300 bucks.
01:36:50.000Bitch, the plane ticket's 280. At that time it was 220 or something.
01:36:54.000So I took the week, but I was always looking for a better week.
01:36:58.000And I got a guy in Toronto to pay me like 800 for a feature week.
01:37:03.000Bollywood, whatever the fuck it was called up there.
01:38:15.000Uh, doing the Carlos Mencia concerts with the Laugh Stop's money, and then he would put the check back in on Monday morning, so nobody knew.
01:41:19.000At about a quarter of eight, I called this motherfucker.
01:41:21.000I said, don't you ever threaten me again.
01:41:22.000It looks like your mother's headlining that motherfucker.
01:41:25.000And I just hung up the fucking phone, dog.
01:41:28.000Don't you ever threaten me again, you dumb motherfucker.
01:41:31.000Your mother's head lying in the closet.
01:41:33.000So then, a couple years later, I go to Houston and tell them, oh, Doug, there's some guy, he's looking for somebody to go to Mississippi tomorrow night for like 300 bucks.
01:43:07.000He would, like, have these big, deep breaths in between the rants and just rant this thing out, like, with all these, like, stats and numbers, and he'd say all this shit, and it was because he had memorized it all that it was so impressive.
01:43:33.000It wasn't like a rant where he had a point, like a Bill Burr rant, where it's a rant, but there's all these jokes in it, pointing shit out, and you're laughing.
01:43:43.000No, there was nothing until the end, and in the end you would clap.
01:43:46.000He was one of the beginnings of alternative comedy.
01:43:49.000Like, people go see him, oh my God, that's such a brilliant, you know, because when Jesus Jones wrote that song, you're like, Jesus, what the fuck are you talking about?
01:43:57.000And look, he faded away and he cracked and became a bartender or something.
01:44:01.000And that's what, you know, a couple, my breakthrough in my life really came when I did analyze that and I met that director.
01:44:10.000When I met that dude that was that they told him to go fuck himself on Saturday Night Live.
01:48:31.000I was in one of those cocaine morning moves.
01:48:34.000He caught me at like 10, 15. A bad time to catch me in those cocaine days because I was probably broke and thinking of where am I gonna get my next fix from.
01:48:42.000And you're calling me, threatening me at 10 and 15 in the morning, telling me I can't work Houston when you don't do dick for me.
01:48:52.000I'm gonna go there, I'm gonna bang your head off your...
01:48:54.000No, I said, you're gonna say something, I'm gonna say something, you're gonna say something, I'm gonna say something, that I'm three blocks from your office, I'm gonna go there, I'm gonna bang your head off your fucking desk.
01:49:03.000And dog, I heard a hang-up, and I went home, and I didn't call nobody, I thought I was done at the improv.
01:49:08.000And do you know that two days later, I got a motherfucking call with three weeks from The Improv.
01:49:13.000It's a feature spot in Southern California.
01:49:15.000So sometimes you got to put your foot down with these creepy motherfuckers, dawg, because they get a pow up to...
01:49:21.000In L.A., nothing happens to you till they see you on television.
01:49:55.000When a company has too many rooms like that, and they want too big of a piece of the pie, and then they want you to stop doing the other rooms that are in town that you've had a relationship forever, whether it's Atlanta or Denver.
01:50:05.000Denver, they had a big issue in Denver, where, you know, When you go there, Wendy will tell you the whole fucking story about it.
01:50:11.000She had this meeting with people that were going to open up another club in town, and they wanted to tell her they were going to either go into business with her, allow her to buy in, or they're basically going to run her out of town.
01:50:23.000She's like, oh yeah, good luck with that.
01:50:24.000What are you guys going to do for open mic nights?
01:50:26.000It's one of the things she asked them.
01:50:27.000And they said, we're not going to have an open mic night.
01:50:28.000She goes, okay, so let me get this straight.
01:50:31.000It's like if you sold widgets, why wouldn't you make widgets?
01:50:35.000You gotta get your widgets from somewhere else?
01:50:36.000Like, why don't you make your own widgets?
01:50:38.000Like, you're not gonna develop any widgets?
01:50:41.000They're not thinking in terms of, like, long term.
01:50:45.000Especially, like, someone like Wendy's the best case example.
01:50:48.000Wendy, in my opinion, is the reason why there's a Denver comedy scene.
01:50:52.000Like, her supporting those two clubs, the Comedy Works, which are two of the best clubs in the country, she's the reason why there's a scene in Denver.
01:53:02.000It seems like it would be a huge fucking headache.
01:53:05.000It would be a huge headache depending on how you did it.
01:53:09.000I think that the clubs they're opening now are huge headaches because, A, there's a couple of weeks, a couple of years ago, I was in the mood for Dairy Queen.
01:53:19.000I go, Terry, there's no fucking Dairy Queen.
01:53:21.000We gotta go all the way to Northridge.
01:53:22.000What if the Northridge had the Dairy Queen tasted like dick?
01:53:25.000The reason why is because these had these fucking people that never grew up on Dairy Queen.
01:55:31.000And you're walking down the street, and everywhere you go, men are fucking cat-calling you and yelling shit at you and freaking you out, and you run into a guy in an elevator, you're automatically gonna be like, what?
01:55:41.000You know, you're automatically gonna be like, Jesus Christ, another guy?
01:55:45.000Like, I'm tired of getting hit on by guys.
01:55:47.000If you're a fucking owner of a comedy club, and you're dealing with wacko comedians all day long, constantly, think about all the people that we know that are fucking crazy.
01:56:51.000How about Jamie makes people wait in front of the Laugh Factory?
01:56:54.000He makes them sign up in the morning and wait all day in the sun.
01:56:59.000In LA. It's a hundred fucking degrees outside and there's a line around the side of the building of people waiting to go on stage for three minutes.
01:57:07.000And that's actually waiting in line to go next week.
01:57:10.000You have to wait in that whole entire line just to sign up for next week's show where you have to wait in line again.
01:59:27.000We started going on the road together, and I would bring him to clubs, and they would go, you know, I just don't think your friend is a good fit for this club.
01:59:33.000I mean, it's, you know, I'm like, what are you, do you not hear the people laughing?
02:01:02.000Like, you're not hearing the rest of the crowd, but until someone comes along and puts you on a television show or puts you in a movie, then they don't want to take that chance.
02:01:10.000They don't want to take the chance on this wild man.
02:02:40.000Embarrassing me to tell me I was dirty and I wasn't for your thing?
02:02:43.000I always found that you got picked on a little.
02:02:48.000As an example, as a comedy and magic club, I remember he thought you were too dirty, but then Ari was allowed to go on and Ari was a million times dirty.
02:02:56.000He was a gentleman because he told me to my face.
02:02:58.000That guy from the Comedy Magic Club, I give him the utmost respect because he told me on a Saturday night after I went there and bombed, he pulled me aside and he goes, Joey, I think this is the last time you came down here.
02:03:08.000You know what the fuck up with him is?
02:04:46.000Some amount of energy is, you know, it's good to recognize it and to see what it is.
02:04:50.000But, you know, some amount of energy, when you start talking about it too much, it becomes a waste of time.
02:04:54.000And now, the best line Eddie Griffin ever said was when he went to see Amistad, he saw white people walking out covering their faces.
02:05:03.000I love seeing people that didn't like me ten years ago.
02:05:07.000I smile at him, and I wave my fingers.
02:05:10.000Well, do you remember that one time, let's not mention any names, but there was this one agent that would tell me that you weren't talented.
02:05:16.000And then one day, you and I were in first class, and he walked past us, the coach.
02:06:11.000The biggie small stuff, and the thing about shit in China, guys, best material I've heard the last two years.
02:06:17.000And for you motherfuckers that had your complaints about it, I remember somebody coming out, a club owner telling me, remember one of his first big jokes is texting and shitting, playing video games?
02:06:27.000I'll never forget that owner saying that was the worst bit he ever heard in his life, and me going, another fucking moron that doesn't know anything about what we're doing.
02:06:37.000It was like, there was no TV credits, and I would bring you guys to open, and they would just decide that you weren't ready or you weren't good or that I was picking the wrong horse.
02:06:45.000And, you know, they would tell me that.
02:06:46.000They would tell me that, like, these guys, they're not that talented.
02:06:49.000I'm like, you're out of your fucking mind.
02:06:53.000I've been around funny for a long time.
02:06:54.000If I was a talent scout, I mean, my record for picking guys to open for me that are funny, that turn out to be big headliners, it's undisputed.
02:07:41.000In my experience, it happened for me really quickly.
02:07:44.000But the difference between how people reacted to me before I was on TV and how they reacted after I was on television, like the gigs that I could get, places that I could work, I had the same act.
02:07:56.000But all of a sudden, just one or two TV credits, and all of a sudden they let me in.
02:08:00.000All those early TV credits that I got, like Caroline's Comedy Hour and MTV Half Hour Comedy Hour, as soon as I got that, I was in.
02:09:02.000The underground has become mainstream because of the internet.
02:09:06.000So the shit that they were pushing at you 20 years ago, the shit they're pushing at you at these fucking comedy channels anymore, it's not the end-all be-all now.
02:09:14.000You motherfuckers are figuring it out for yourselves that they've been shoving shit down our fucking throats.
02:09:19.000Well, you know, what I know is there was this period of time for more than ten years where they were focusing on what they thought, what the agents and the managers thought was clever or inside comedy.
02:09:32.000Like comedy that the comedians thought was appropriate.
02:09:35.000Or that like certain groups thought was appropriate.
02:09:38.000Like you got that alternative movement and they were trying to push that hard.
02:09:42.000Like this was the hip guy to be attached to.
02:10:13.000And that's one of the things that freed us with podcasts, because you don't have to constantly, like, express yourself in a way where people have this, uh...
02:12:31.000And for the longest time, there was this idea that comedy had to adhere to, like, Certain rules in order for it to be highbrow or certain rules for it to be considered alternative or sophisticated or, you know,
02:14:01.000It's like, The internet has allowed people to see what you really are.
02:14:06.000You know, it allowed people to see the internet.
02:14:08.000And all they had to do was, like, see the numbers of the podcast that get downloaded, and then they go, well, I guess we gotta get on board here.
02:15:19.000So, like, you have the guy who's, you know, maybe not the store, because it's not like a headline club for the weekend, but any club that's like Zany's in Nashville, they should have an hour podcast.
02:15:29.000They release every week with the headliner.
02:17:08.000Hired them, like, to help them write their material?
02:17:10.000Hired them, so you would meet at six at the Comedy Works, she'd buy, she'd cater it, get, like, tacos, and you sat around, and you wrote material with the headliner, and then you went and did the open mic, and the headliner graded you.
02:17:22.000A lot of clubs, 1994, Matt Woods was the guy who gave me the talk, who told me, get your life together, don't come back here, you're funny, but you're wasting your time.
02:20:28.000There's, like, there was a shift somewhere, like, in the 2000s.
02:20:32.000Where, you know, I tell people, you know, Joey Diaz comes on the road with me, like, they're like, you have Joey Diaz open for you on purpose?
02:20:39.000But it's what you were talking about with this Denver thing, like, people don't want to follow people that are strong, like, funny acts, but doesn't that make it fun for everybody?
02:21:36.000I could hear everything, like crystal clear.
02:21:39.000When you were on stage, I was in the back of the room, not this time, but one of the other times we did it, you hear everything you say crystal clear.
02:21:46.000But just to emphasize that, you know, a lot of comics listen to these shows, these podcasts, and they walked around like I did, fucking scared, you know?
02:22:19.000You know, there's club owners that'll come up to you and go, hey, next time there's a club owner that I worked for years ago that'll come up to you and go, hey, man, you should put something on that joke.
02:22:27.000And then after you got off the second show, he's like, you didn't add my tag.
02:24:42.000If you're a comic and I go to your green room that's the size of a closet, you're not a fucking, you're a scumbag just trying to make money on fucking comics.
02:24:49.000If a comic opens up a room, I want that room to be that much better because you're a comic.
02:28:03.000You need 250, 200, two and a quarter for a great room, brick, a tremendous sound system, sell hot dogs next door or do something special, but after the show, so you don't have to fuck with the waitstaff, and let them go in there and sling drinks, bro.
02:29:23.000Half of these fucking punks today would fucking crawl under the tree.
02:29:27.000I'm looking at Margaret Cho last time going, I bet Margaret Cho's happy that she didn't fucking quit or bail out or got hooked on drugs.
02:29:33.000Margaret Cho said, fuck you motherfuckers.
02:29:36.000I'm just gonna get stronger as a comic.
02:29:38.000She built up a huge following on the road.
02:29:40.000Whether they're gay or not, they spend And she sells out.
02:29:45.000That bitch is tatted from her head to her fucking toe with fuck you in Korean letters to all these fucking Gentiles.
02:29:52.000And 20 years later, that chick was killing it last night on stage with Amy Poehler and Tina Fey, the two hottest comedy chicks in the fucking world.
02:30:23.000The shit they were saying to Margaret Cho that she came out and said later.
02:30:27.000Last night, if I was Margaret Cho, I would have took this Cuban disgusting dick out with that fucking foreskin on it and said, here you go, America.
02:34:37.000What they're saying is it's not a true addiction because a true addiction, what happens is like you get sick if you don't have it.
02:34:46.000True addiction is a compulsive physiological need for and use of a habit-forming substance known to be physically, psychologically, or socially harmful.
02:34:56.000What the nasal spray happens is you put that stuff in and after a few days of using it, your nose may become less responsive to the effects of the medication.
02:35:04.000As a result, you need to use more and more of the medication to control congestion or your congestion may worsen if you stop using the medication.
02:35:13.000Apparently that happens to people with Xanax too.
02:35:15.000They say there's some sort of a rubber band effect of Xanax.
02:35:19.000Xanax calms your anxiety, but when you start getting off of it, your anxiety heightens and worsens to a place where it probably wouldn't even be if you weren't on it in the first place.
02:35:30.000I think that's what happens with these sprays, too.
02:35:33.000They get you coming and going, Joey Diaz.
02:35:35.000They get you coming and going, these fucks.
02:37:04.000He goes, I guarantee you'll lose weight because more air goes in there.
02:37:07.000Well, that's what Vandele Silva, when Vandele Silva had his nose fixed, he had all that facial surgery, they took a piece out of his rib and reconstructed his nose and made his nose bigger.
02:37:15.000Like, if you look at Vandele's nose, it's way bigger than it was before, because he had a big chunk in there to open up his nose.
02:37:22.000Like, Vandele ain't trying to look better.
02:37:35.000And if you look at what his face looked like when he started fighting in the late 90s, as opposed to what he looked like in the early 2000s, his nose was just a pancake.
02:37:45.000And so he had it fixed And stuck way the fuck out.
02:40:14.000He was so aggressive and psychotic and...
02:40:16.000You would watch a Vanderlei fight, you always knew you were going to see some fucking crazy shit.
02:40:22.000That's when they had stomps and soccer kicks, and he's stomping dudes in the head, holding onto the rope, stomping Tamora in the face when he's down.
02:40:35.000But you, you know, that hard, hard career and then comes over to the UFC and now he's got, like, really strict drug testing and all this other shit.
02:40:43.000And so when he took off from that drug test, man, I mean, that was just a colossal fuck-up.
02:41:07.000I personally think that's too much, but the fear of it and the fact that he's going to be out for who knows how many years while he fights it, and if he wins, a lot of people think he will win in court.
02:41:17.000The Nevada State Athletic Commission doesn't have the jurisdiction to test him against his will in between contests because he wasn't licensed for them.
02:42:21.000That Chael Sonnen fight would have made him a fuckload of money.
02:42:24.000That Chael Sonnen fight, I don't know what they were gonna pay him for that, but how much that fight would be worth, especially if he could beat Chael Sonnen and do it in Brazil.
02:44:34.000I told my wife, me and my buddies were going to Aspen, so she left that afternoon to her parents or something with the baby, and I fucking stayed at the house.
02:45:25.000You know what's the most fucked up is drug tests for companies where they test you for weed and you're not even like, it's not even like while you're on the job.
02:45:33.000Like UPS, something along those lines.
02:45:36.000Like they'll test you to make sure you're not doing drugs while you work for them.
02:45:40.000As if someone can tell you what to do with your time.
02:46:22.000Sunday night, crash, wake up, head pounding, driving to work, hungover as fuck, drinking Pedialyte and Gatorade and water, and you're fine.
02:47:53.000We're almost out of time, so I've got to ask you about this because this just came out.
02:47:56.000The whole Jon Jones thing, you know, knowing your past and your past experiences with coke, what did you think about that when it all went down?
02:49:19.000What I went through that year in the halfway house drinking vinegar and putting pool cleaner on my dick and, you know, cranberry juice and vinegar and Gatorade and just letting it go.
02:49:29.000When you're addicted like that, nothing means anything.
02:49:56.000But don't you get scared with alcohol, too?
02:49:58.000Like, if you get really drunk and fucked up, I've been really drunk and fucked up before, but I was like, wow, you could die from this, you know?
02:51:06.000But do you think he could be fine with it?
02:51:07.000I mean, Brian, do you think he could be fine with it?
02:51:09.000Do you think that if you're a disciplined guy, you know, because you haven't had the problem that maybe Joey's had, you know, you've never been, like, full-on addicted, like, for long periods of time.
02:51:19.000So do you think that a guy like him, who's an athlete, who's a strong-minded dude, is very disciplined?
02:51:24.000I mean, Jon Jones, when he's training, like, when he trained for this fight, for Daniel Cormier, he was fucking disciplined.
02:51:29.000The word on the street, the word from Albuquerque was, this fucking guy is training hard, twice a day, doing everything he can to beat this motherfucker.
02:51:36.000Well, he got popped December 4th, so obviously he wasn't training that hard.
02:51:39.000He got popped four weeks before the fight.
02:52:36.000None of us know until he tells the truth.
02:52:38.000And it's also a thing of John is so fucking good that maybe while he's doing it and he's still winning, he's still beating guys, he's so good he can do coke four weeks out.
02:52:49.000He could have done coke three days before, dawg.
02:52:52.000Lawrence Taylor was fucking, you know, Friday night in New Jersey, you're playing Sunday?
02:55:51.000Listen, you're with a girl, she got a tremendous piece of pussy, a fucking diamond thing studded in her belly button, her ass don't smell like flowers.