The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #600

00:00:00.000 I'm ready, Jimmy.

00:00:14.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:00:22.000 Powerful Ari Shafir and his three-dimensional t-shirt.

00:00:29.000 It says Do Mushrooms on it.

00:00:33.000 And you can get this at AriTheGreat.com.

00:00:36.000 That's my tour this year.

00:00:37.000 It's the Do Mushrooms tour.

00:00:38.000 It's a good tour.

00:00:39.000 It's a good name.

00:00:40.000 It's a good message.

00:00:41.000 It's a good thing you're doing.

00:00:44.000 You're doing the Lord's work.

00:00:45.000 Yeah, I'm trying to get the word out for the Lord's product.

00:00:47.000 You're doing the Lord's work.

00:00:48.000 If there's anyone who's ever been doing the Lord's work, it's the man who invented Shroomfest.

00:00:54.000 How many people, by the way, worldwide participate in Shroomfest every year?

00:00:58.000 I heard it was over a billion.

00:01:01.000 Is that true, Mr. Shafir?

00:01:03.000 That's the last stats I saw, were over a billion.

00:01:05.000 Over a billion.

00:01:06.000 Really, we're doing fairly well in that regard.

00:01:09.000 God, it's like, how many billions are there?

00:01:10.000 Definitely, that's not most of them, but we're getting there.

00:01:12.000 There's 7 billion people, and out of the 7 billion people on Earth, 1 billion every year participate in Shroomfest.

00:01:19.000 You know, this year, it's August 29th, 30th, and 31st.

00:01:22.000 Is it really?

00:01:23.000 Yeah.

00:01:24.000 So you give it three days?

00:01:25.000 Yeah.

00:01:26.000 Saturday, Sunday, Monday.

00:01:27.000 What's ideally for the average shroomer?

00:01:29.000 How many trips do they do in those three days?

00:01:32.000 Oh, one.

00:01:33.000 Just one?

00:01:33.000 Yeah, find a time to do it.

00:01:34.000 Oh, just one?

00:01:35.000 Yeah.

00:01:35.000 Only one?

00:01:36.000 Yeah.

00:01:36.000 You don't like to do, like, multiple on a weekend?

00:01:39.000 I have done that.

00:01:40.000 This last Shroom Fest, we just kept taking them.

00:01:42.000 Just three days, just in the cabin, just fucking going.

00:01:45.000 Did you ever worry about, like, being that dude from Pink Floyd that never comes back?

00:01:49.000 No, I stopped worrying about that.

00:01:51.000 You stopped worrying?

00:01:52.000 There's only like barely any guys I've ever seen like that.

00:01:54.000 Barely any?

00:01:55.000 Yeah.

00:01:56.000 I don't know if it's from that or just mild schizophrenia.

00:01:58.000 There's always that, right?

00:01:59.000 Yeah.

00:02:00.000 The real problem is like, what if you have mental illness plus psychedelics?

00:02:04.000 If you're just a totally normal person, you have normal balance levels of whatever hormones in your head, but then you take psychedelics.

00:02:11.000 That's the only thing.

00:02:12.000 If you're prone to that, to schizophrenia, that's the only time I'd be like, then don't.

00:02:18.000 If you have it in your family, maybe don't.

00:02:19.000 Yeah, I would say if reality is at all slippery, just hold off on that.

00:02:25.000 If you barely hold on, it's like, I'm real.

00:02:27.000 Get yourself a good foundation.

00:02:29.000 But then there's the other problem.

00:02:31.000 If you take a lot of the drugs that people take, like even antidepressants, you're not supposed to ever take mushrooms when you're taking those.

00:02:38.000 Nope, not true.

00:02:39.000 There's different kinds of antidepressants.

00:02:40.000 Really?

00:02:40.000 Ask your doctor.

00:02:41.000 I asked mine.

00:02:42.000 Ah, yeah.

00:02:42.000 Ask your doctor.

00:02:43.000 I ask mine.

00:02:45.000 With Ari Shafir.

00:02:47.000 Doctors are here for you.

00:02:48.000 Just tell them what you're doing.

00:02:49.000 And then they'll help you medically through that.

00:02:52.000 So I asked them about, hey, I heard this thing about MOAI inhibitors.

00:02:56.000 And SSRI inhibitors.

00:02:58.000 So I'm like, I heard mushrooms counteract badly with those.

00:03:01.000 And he goes, and I don't know which one's which.

00:03:03.000 But he goes, no, that's that one.

00:03:04.000 You're taking this type of antidepressant medication.

00:03:07.000 Oh, okay.

00:03:08.000 So it wouldn't interfere at all.

00:03:09.000 Okay.

00:03:10.000 So you really should ask your doctor and find out whether or not it's an issue.

00:03:14.000 Yeah, absolutely.

00:03:14.000 So with you, it was zero issue at all?

00:03:16.000 Yeah, he goes, no.

00:03:17.000 Oh, that's great.

00:03:18.000 Sometimes they tell you not to take antibiotics and you have to say why.

00:03:22.000 And they go, because if the antibiotics won't work anymore, then I won't drink.

00:03:25.000 But if it's just that it's going to make drinking awesome, then I'm going to drink.

00:03:29.000 Well, I've heard people that are talking about taking MAOIs, monoamine oxidase inhibitors, and taking those with anything dimethyltryptamine-based, whether it's ayahuasca or DMT or anything along those lines,

00:03:46.000 and it becomes really potent to the point where it's dangerously potent.

00:03:51.000 Oh, really?

00:03:52.000 Yeah, I think chemical MAOR... I'm saying it fucked up.

00:03:57.000 MAOIs.

00:03:57.000 Yeah.

00:03:58.000 Monoamine oxidase inhibitors.

00:04:00.000 I didn't know that.

00:04:00.000 The pharmaceutical versions of it are extremely strong.

00:04:04.000 They're really strong.

00:04:06.000 And you're not supposed to take anything...

00:04:08.000 DMT-based with them.

00:04:10.000 Because that's the whole basis of ayahuasca is a natural MAOI inhibitor, which is called harmine, mixed in with the leaves that have the DMT. That's why you can take it in through drinking it.

00:04:23.000 Sometimes those things that flood your brains with...

00:04:26.000 It's almost like the inhibitor is shut off.

00:04:28.000 So it floods your brains.

00:04:29.000 You get super happy, like XLC or some things like that.

00:04:32.000 And then...

00:04:33.000 That all drops out, and then you're like, oh, I need...

00:04:36.000 Right.

00:04:37.000 Your body sort of stops producing it after a while.

00:04:38.000 Dopamine, depletion, and shit like that.

00:04:40.000 Yeah.

00:04:42.000 I mean, Tim Ferriss has this statement or this saying, which is a really good saying, is that there are no biological free lunches.

00:04:51.000 You know, and that everything has a price.

00:04:54.000 You drink coffee, then you crash.

00:04:57.000 You know, you take speed, then you come down.

00:05:00.000 You know, you drink alcohol, you feel great, then you're hungover.

00:05:03.000 It's like, in order to achieve these hyper-natural states, there's some sort of consequence.

00:05:09.000 It's vacuum.

00:05:09.000 Vacuums can't exist, right?

00:05:11.000 Yeah.

00:05:11.000 There's a pull and a push and there's something going on every time you do something that fucks with your consciousness.

00:05:17.000 It's just the idea of finding what does the least amount of damage and the most amount of benefit.

00:05:23.000 Yeah, it's fun.

00:05:25.000 Exactly.

00:05:27.000 I'm gonna get fucked up.

00:05:28.000 What's it gonna be on?

00:05:29.000 Yeah.

00:05:30.000 Should I go meth or should I pull it back?

00:05:31.000 Well, there's a lot of people that are like, I am not going through this fucking thing sober.

00:05:35.000 Oh, no.

00:05:36.000 Why would you?

00:05:36.000 Not doing it.

00:05:38.000 Not interested.

00:05:38.000 Live with all that at all times.

00:05:40.000 Not doing it.

00:05:40.000 Thank you, sir.

00:05:42.000 You have met my mother and father-in-law?

00:05:45.000 No, thank you.

00:05:46.000 I will be fucked up for this.

00:05:48.000 This is not a ride that you should take seriously.

00:05:51.000 This is a ride.

00:05:52.000 You should be sober only when necessary.

00:05:55.000 Only when, like...

00:05:56.000 Are you doing surgery?

00:05:58.000 Yeah, you should be sober.

00:05:59.000 Are you going to Disneyland?

00:06:01.000 Why are you sober?

00:06:02.000 Yeah, why sober for this?

00:06:03.000 What's wrong with you?

00:06:04.000 Are you going to somehow or another make a terrible decision when you're on the teapots?

00:06:08.000 I went...

00:06:08.000 Yeah, what are you doing?

00:06:10.000 You're spinning around the teacups, those things that you spin around.

00:06:13.000 So they don't serve alcohol at Disneyland, huh?

00:06:15.000 Well, they have alcohol at California Adventure.

00:06:19.000 Oh, and they have the outside place with all the bars.

00:06:22.000 Yeah, which is like downtown Disney.

00:06:25.000 They have alcohol there.

00:06:26.000 Like regular restaurants.

00:06:28.000 It's not like Mormon alcohol where it's like 2% beer.

00:06:32.000 Technically alcohol.

00:06:33.000 It's real alcohol.

00:06:34.000 They have real alcohol.

00:06:36.000 But inside Disneyland, there's apparently only one place where you can get alcohol.

00:06:40.000 And it's this place that's above Pirates of the Caribbean.

00:06:44.000 And you have to pay some insane amount of yearly money.

00:06:48.000 To be able to go there?

00:06:49.000 Yeah, you have to spend a shitload of money.

00:06:50.000 It costs like $25,000 to join or something.

00:06:53.000 What?

00:06:53.000 To be a member?

00:06:53.000 Yeah, what is that?

00:06:54.000 It's more than that.

00:06:55.000 What is that shit called?

00:06:56.000 Club 33 or something like that?

00:06:58.000 Yeah, something along those lines.

00:06:59.000 It's like CEOs of companies...

00:07:01.000 Yeah.

00:07:02.000 Didn't Dice have Club 43 in his basement or something?

00:07:06.000 And he wouldn't tell anybody why he called it that?

00:07:07.000 Maybe that's what it is.

00:07:09.000 Maybe I finally figured it out.

00:07:10.000 Hmm.

00:07:12.000 I don't remember.

00:07:12.000 You gotta know what it is.

00:07:13.000 It's 18 more!

00:07:14.000 Oh!

00:07:18.000 Like your big fat fucking ass!

00:07:22.000 Oh!

00:07:23.000 Dude, you know what I was talking about?

00:07:25.000 Your Diaz impression is one of the best around.

00:07:28.000 I forgot about it.

00:07:29.000 We used to have Diaz off, like the Brea Improv.

00:07:31.000 These fucking SoCal Mexican comics thought they had great Diaz.

00:07:35.000 And you're like, let's do it.

00:07:36.000 At the end of your headliner set.

00:07:37.000 Do you remember that?

00:07:37.000 Yes.

00:07:38.000 But that guy beat me.

00:07:40.000 He beat me.

00:07:40.000 His Diaz was better.

00:07:42.000 His mannerisms were awesome.

00:07:44.000 Silent Bob, he got me.

00:07:46.000 My voice might have been a little bit better, a little bit more exact.

00:07:50.000 He also did the hand thing where it was like this weird...

00:07:52.000 Well, he was also, yeah, he was just in the groove.

00:07:55.000 He nailed it.

00:07:56.000 The hand thing, the coke hand.

00:07:57.000 The coke hand.

00:07:58.000 When you bring people up to the open mic, he goes, next up.

00:08:00.000 And he's just like doing that open shut, open shut.

00:08:02.000 Yeah.

00:08:03.000 Next up what?

00:08:04.000 Well, he's also just having fun.

00:08:06.000 Oh, this guy.

00:08:07.000 Yeah.

00:08:08.000 That's the Joey Diaz mannerisms.

00:08:10.000 He had the mannerisms down.

00:08:11.000 I had a voice.

00:08:12.000 My voice was probably a little bit better than his, but he overwhelmed me with his mannerisms.

00:08:16.000 Yeah.

00:08:18.000 He took the title.

00:08:20.000 What am I going to say?

00:08:21.000 Yeah, I forgot who won.

00:08:22.000 I really forgot who won.

00:08:24.000 Yeah, he beat me.

00:08:25.000 I gave it to him.

00:08:26.000 I said he won.

00:08:26.000 I mean, I gave it up.

00:08:27.000 I said, that's better.

00:08:28.000 His is better.

00:08:29.000 Yeah.

00:08:30.000 You know stuff he says, though, that sounds like stuff he would say.

00:08:33.000 I guess that guy did, too.

00:08:34.000 Well, maybe.

00:08:36.000 He deserves to win.

00:08:41.000 I forgot about that.

00:08:43.000 Joey's the greatest guy that's ever walked the face of the planet.

00:08:45.000 Are these 3D glasses kind of tripping around a little?

00:08:48.000 A little.

00:08:49.000 You have a lot behind you, Joe, so it's...

00:08:51.000 A little.

00:08:51.000 Yeah, the lava lamp is fucking weird.

00:08:53.000 The reason why we're wearing these shirts, Ari Shaffir has these 3D... Why we're wearing these shirts.

00:08:59.000 Why we're wearing these goggles.

00:09:01.000 These glasses.

00:09:03.000 These fucking...

00:09:05.000 Ridiculous paper glasses we're wearing.

00:09:07.000 Ari has these new t-shirts, and if you wear these glasses, these t-shirts look three-dimensional.

00:09:13.000 It's weird that no one's ever figured out a way to make 3D work without glasses.

00:09:17.000 Oh, yeah.

00:09:18.000 They have.

00:09:19.000 But you go to the movies, you always have glasses.

00:09:21.000 Yeah, just make the fucking screen.

00:09:22.000 A 3D movie for all time.

00:09:24.000 3D movie screen.

00:09:25.000 Yeah, but even those 3D screens, you have to wear glasses.

00:09:27.000 Yeah, no, bullshit.

00:09:28.000 Shouldn't have to.

00:09:28.000 Like the Nintendo...

00:09:30.000 I'm sorry, we live in a horrible...

00:09:31.000 Bullshit!

00:09:32.000 Our lives are worth in Ethiopia.

00:09:33.000 The Nintendo 3DS is an example of a small screen that you don't need glasses, and they do have small monitors that...

00:09:39.000 How good is it?

00:09:39.000 Have you used it?

00:09:40.000 It's getting there.

00:09:41.000 Is it better than the Game Boy graphics?

00:09:44.000 It's just Game Boy by 3D. Okay, like when you go to see like top level 3D, like Avatar.

00:09:51.000 Avatar was the best.

00:09:52.000 Who do I see that with?

00:09:54.000 At the fucking, that one place in the valley.

00:09:57.000 Like that opening scene where the dude is floating around, where they're all in that 3D floating around space.

00:10:03.000 Remember when they're coming out of their pods?

00:10:05.000 Yeah.

00:10:06.000 And he's floating.

00:10:06.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:10:07.000 Oh, whoa.

00:10:09.000 It was like the greatest 3D of all time.

00:10:11.000 Yeah, you're like, wow.

00:10:13.000 And the islands, the floating islands were like, what the fuck?

00:10:17.000 The floating islands.

00:10:18.000 I forgot about that.

00:10:19.000 You can't do that without glasses, right?

00:10:22.000 Not to that point yet.

00:10:24.000 Not to that point.

00:10:24.000 I mean, it's still kind of small screens and not as good.

00:10:27.000 Last I checked.

00:10:28.000 Isn't it interesting that somebody even figured out how to do that?

00:10:31.000 How to do it.

00:10:32.000 Yeah, separate the red and the blue.

00:10:34.000 Fuck!

00:10:35.000 Yeah.

00:10:35.000 You figured out how to make people look like they're floating in front of you.

00:10:39.000 Give this extra dimensional aspect to what you're watching.

00:10:41.000 I remember the olden days when they had those spaceship movie 3Ds.

00:10:44.000 Like when I was like a young teenager, like 14, 12, something like that.

00:10:48.000 And the ships would come over you and you'd be like, what the fuck?

00:10:51.000 You'd have to lean back to avoid it.

00:10:53.000 I want that 3D. None of that bullshit they give you now.

00:10:57.000 Avatar was great.

00:10:58.000 Everything else is garbage.

00:10:59.000 Could you imagine if life was 3D? It is.

00:11:03.000 That's what it is.

00:11:05.000 What are you talking about?

00:11:07.000 It's not 3D like that.

00:11:09.000 No, not like that.

00:11:10.000 It's not 3D like that.

00:11:11.000 That's 3D in this really weird, freaky way where you see a car accident a mile away and all of a sudden it's in your face.

00:11:18.000 A couple of good 3D movies.

00:11:21.000 That slow motion movie was good in 3D? What movie was that?

00:11:25.000 It was like the new Judge Dredd or something.

00:11:27.000 Sin City?

00:11:28.000 No, it was like super slow motion.

00:11:29.000 They gave people the drug they were giving out was slow-mo.

00:11:32.000 So they give them slow-mo, then dump them off this fucking giant roof, and they die in like an hour and a half.

00:11:37.000 Oh, God.

00:11:38.000 Take them to fall.

00:11:39.000 Slow-mo.

00:11:40.000 And then Jackass 3D. That and Avatar, those are the only three movies that have ever like, fuck yeah, 3D here works.

00:11:46.000 Avatar was insane.

00:11:48.000 Avatar was insane.

00:11:48.000 When they were flying, when they were on those dragons flying around, and it was in 3D, you're like, wow.

00:11:54.000 It was like your mouth is open.

00:11:56.000 God, it's incredible.

00:11:58.000 Yeah.

00:11:59.000 It's glorious.

00:12:00.000 Was Godzilla good in 3D? I never saw Godzilla.

00:12:03.000 All these movies do five at the beginning and three at the end.

00:12:06.000 That's all they do.

00:12:07.000 And they give you garbage up front.

00:12:09.000 Recycle this when you're done with it.

00:12:11.000 Fuck you.

00:12:12.000 I'm breaking it right in front of them.

00:12:13.000 Do it.

00:12:13.000 So they know.

00:12:14.000 That's what I do now.

00:12:15.000 I'm like, let John Lowe's know.

00:12:17.000 This isn't acceptable anymore.

00:12:19.000 This movie's bad.

00:12:20.000 You can't tell us it's 3D as we're going in saying it's going to be at 450. And then fucking nothing.

00:12:24.000 Five at the beginning, three at the end.

00:12:26.000 That's all they give you.

00:12:28.000 Five at the beginning, three at the end.

00:12:29.000 Five minutes at the beginning of 3D and then the end, so you go on your way out.

00:12:32.000 They'll throw some garbage at you.

00:12:34.000 Like, oh, remember it's 3D? No 3D the whole way.

00:12:37.000 You forget it because you watched the movie.

00:12:38.000 Not even like atmosphere 3D? Just where it feels like depth?

00:12:41.000 Nothing.

00:12:42.000 It's stupid.

00:12:43.000 They're just robbing you.

00:12:44.000 It was a little...

00:12:45.000 They added it later.

00:12:46.000 There was a little thing with the canyons and the big bug and the electrical nuclear power supply.

00:12:52.000 There was a few moments with the 3D. The fucking falling of cranes.

00:12:57.000 Where?

00:12:57.000 In what?

00:12:57.000 Godzilla?

00:12:58.000 Godzilla.

00:12:58.000 Yeah.

00:12:59.000 You know what the problem with Godzilla was?

00:13:01.000 Spoiler alert!

00:13:04.000 Spoiler!

00:13:05.000 If you've never seen Godzilla, shut your car off on the highway.

00:13:11.000 Brian, what don't you know about Godzilla?

00:13:12.000 It's a fucking Godzilla.

00:13:14.000 Shut the power off on your stereo on your car.

00:13:19.000 Spoiler alert King Kong for somebody.

00:13:21.000 Here's the spoiler alert.

00:13:22.000 King Kong loses in every movie.

00:13:24.000 Every movie.

00:13:25.000 Every movie.

00:13:26.000 He never wins.

00:13:27.000 He never fucking wins.

00:13:28.000 They should do a Fight Club type King Kong where he just fucking starts dominating, gets right off the statue of whatever he's on, the Empire State Building, and just goes and fucking smashes him shit.

00:13:37.000 That's what's up.

00:13:37.000 Goes underground.

00:13:38.000 Do you really think our puny bullets can penetrate the fucking Great Kong?

00:13:42.000 Did Godzilla ever fight King Kong?

00:13:44.000 No.

00:13:44.000 Well, yeah, but it doesn't make any sense.

00:13:47.000 Well, they had to change the sizes.

00:13:49.000 Yeah, Godzilla was so much bigger.

00:13:51.000 Yeah, King Kong was only 50 feet tall.

00:13:53.000 Godzilla was 500 feet tall.

00:13:55.000 That's fucking retarded.

00:13:56.000 Yeah, but King Kong has black people's strength, so that overwhelms the bigger Asian.

00:14:03.000 How dare you?

00:14:05.000 Who would you think of fighting?

00:14:06.000 A big Asian or a little black guy?

00:14:06.000 He's not an Asian, and he's not a black person.

00:14:09.000 He's a gorilla, and that's a lizard.

00:14:12.000 Fuck you!

00:14:13.000 Oh my god.

00:14:15.000 I just became a social justice warrior.

00:14:18.000 I give in.

00:14:18.000 You fought for the right of freedom.

00:14:19.000 I'm on the wrong side.

00:14:21.000 I realize.

00:14:21.000 Being friends with you, Shafir, I'm on the wrong side.

00:14:24.000 Black people's strength, King Kong.

00:14:25.000 That's not a person.

00:14:27.000 It's a fucking gorilla.

00:14:28.000 How else do you justify that he fought even in that fight?

00:14:31.000 Well, because it was a fucking Japanese production, it didn't make any sense.

00:14:35.000 King Kong didn't even look like King Kong.

00:14:37.000 If you had that King Kong and the real King Kong in a lineup, people would really be able to distinguish between the two of them.

00:14:43.000 They'd be like, that is not the guy that fucked me.

00:14:45.000 It's the guy on the right, the little short dude, the 50-foot guy.

00:14:48.000 I don't know that 500-foot tall dude.

00:14:50.000 Who the fuck is he?

00:14:51.000 Where did he come from?

00:14:52.000 He's ten times bigger than that other dude I know.

00:14:55.000 Couldn't he just swim across the ocean?

00:14:57.000 That guy's way bigger than the guy I know.

00:14:59.000 Get the fuck out of here.

00:15:00.000 He was as big as Godzilla.

00:15:01.000 Did he get hit with radiation or anything?

00:15:03.000 No explanation whatsoever.

00:15:05.000 Just they want you to be stupid because it's 1962 or whatever the fuck it was when they made that movie.

00:15:09.000 There was no thinking about it.

00:15:12.000 I'm looking at a picture right now.

00:15:13.000 It's so hilarious of King Kong versus Godzilla.

00:15:16.000 Yeah, they're fighting over a giant.

00:15:18.000 Because King Kong looks just like...

00:15:20.000 It looks ridiculous.

00:15:24.000 Oh, I've watched them, dude.

00:15:25.000 When I was a kid, I fucking loved King Kong.

00:15:28.000 I loved King Kong, and my cousin Mike loved Godzilla.

00:15:31.000 We even got into fisticuffs at one juncture.

00:15:34.000 No way.

00:15:34.000 Over what?

00:15:35.000 What was better?

00:15:35.000 Over King Kong versus Godzilla.

00:15:36.000 Who would win?

00:15:37.000 Yeah.

00:15:38.000 That was before they had that movie?

00:15:39.000 Or you both agreed that movie wasn't proof?

00:15:40.000 Yeah, we were both retarded.

00:15:41.000 We were both six or whatever the fuck we were.

00:15:43.000 Five?

00:15:43.000 Probably five.

00:15:44.000 Yeah.

00:15:44.000 And we were arguing, going knuckles up over who would win.

00:15:48.000 Godzilla versus King Kong.

00:15:50.000 We were unsupervised children.

00:15:52.000 We fought them over it?

00:15:52.000 We totally fought.

00:15:53.000 God.

00:15:54.000 That's why.

00:15:55.000 I was always on Godzilla's side.

00:15:57.000 I was always on Godzilla's side.

00:15:58.000 That's interesting.

00:15:58.000 When I moved to New York, I finally realized any sort of racism, any fear-based racism, like I'm afraid of black people, just became, oh, I'm just afraid of the youth.

00:16:07.000 Anyone young, they're just rowdy and pushier.

00:16:10.000 They just shove...

00:16:11.000 They're more likely to shove and say something.

00:16:14.000 Like, settle down, young man.

00:16:16.000 Yeah, we were talking about that in the previous podcast.

00:16:18.000 We were talking about the scariest thing.

00:16:19.000 My friend Eric Crisp of Sugar Tree Cues.

00:16:23.000 I think you met him before.

00:16:24.000 Eric Crisp, maybe.

00:16:25.000 What city?

00:16:25.000 He's a cue maker.

00:16:26.000 What city?

00:16:26.000 He lives in New Mexico.

00:16:27.000 Okay.

00:16:28.000 He said that teenage boys are the scariest thing on earth.

00:16:31.000 Yeah.

00:16:31.000 They don't know limits.

00:16:33.000 And they're getting strong.

00:16:34.000 Yeah.

00:16:35.000 They're like real cocky.

00:16:36.000 They're just coming into their bodies overwhelmed with like testosterone.

00:16:40.000 Rage!

00:16:41.000 And a lot of their versions of the world are based on movies.

00:16:44.000 Yeah.

00:16:45.000 I'll fuck you up.

00:16:45.000 Come to me that way.

00:16:46.000 I'll die for that.

00:16:48.000 Really?

00:16:49.000 17-year-old?

00:16:50.000 I think you will.

00:16:51.000 They say shit that makes you realize like, oh, you're just a child.

00:16:56.000 You're just a little boy who's like six feet tall.

00:17:00.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:17:01.000 They don't know anything.

00:17:02.000 You're 16 years old and you're really strong, but you're out there running through the world like a big baby almost.

00:17:08.000 You know?

00:17:09.000 Unsupervised baby.

00:17:10.000 No, big, strong, unsupervised baby who's just learning.

00:17:14.000 America's the best.

00:17:15.000 That's why.

00:17:15.000 Fucking fight.

00:17:16.000 It's because America's the best, right?

00:17:19.000 America's the best.

00:17:19.000 This one guy said it wasn't.

00:17:20.000 I fucking beat the shit out of him.

00:17:22.000 That bitch swallowed his teeth.

00:17:24.000 He'll learn.

00:17:25.000 Like, no, well, actually he had a point that he was trying to make.

00:17:27.000 No, fuck him.

00:17:28.000 No.

00:17:29.000 You didn't even hear his point out.

00:17:31.000 America.

00:17:34.000 Yeah.

00:17:35.000 That's the world we live in, Ari Shafir.

00:17:38.000 Golly.

00:17:39.000 It's tough.

00:17:39.000 Tough to get it together.

00:17:41.000 It's a goddamn mad race.

00:17:42.000 We're all dealing with a big spreadsheet of genetics that was sort of formulated back when people were running.

00:17:50.000 You gotta just avoid them.

00:17:50.000 Avoid them like barking dogs.

00:17:51.000 It's hard.

00:17:52.000 It's in people's DNA, Ari.

00:17:54.000 Yeah.

00:17:54.000 We're trapped in some 10,000-year-old shit.

00:17:56.000 Fight, murder, and rape.

00:17:58.000 And drug ourselves.

00:18:02.000 Cold syrup.

00:18:04.000 Did you ever get a hold of the real NyQuil?

00:18:07.000 No.

00:18:07.000 You never got a hold of the real NyQuil?

00:18:09.000 You never took it?

00:18:10.000 No.

00:18:11.000 Oh, man.

00:18:12.000 Did it really fuck you up?

00:18:13.000 Oh, man.

00:18:14.000 I remember, look, when I was on news radio, like in the late 90s, I'd never done any drugs.

00:18:22.000 I didn't do anything.

00:18:23.000 I would occasionally have a beer.

00:18:24.000 Oh, yeah.

00:18:24.000 I don't know why he says that.

00:18:25.000 You're like, guys, pot.

00:18:26.000 It's not the way to the fucking top.

00:18:28.000 I thought it made you lazy.

00:18:30.000 For real.

00:18:30.000 No bullshit.

00:18:31.000 But this was totally...

00:18:33.000 So fun when you learn new things.

00:18:35.000 You're like, I was wrong.

00:18:36.000 Let's go the other way.

00:18:37.000 Because I was wrong.

00:18:37.000 I was so wrong.

00:18:39.000 That's what I said about when I was still a virgin in college.

00:18:41.000 I'm like, guys, it's the same as masturbating.

00:18:44.000 Sorry, it's not.

00:18:45.000 I'm like, it's the same.

00:18:46.000 You orgasm.

00:18:48.000 That's the same.

00:18:49.000 It feels the same.

00:18:49.000 And they're like, man, so wrong.

00:18:52.000 That's so funny.

00:18:53.000 It feels considerably better.

00:18:56.000 What was I saying?

00:18:57.000 I used to like the purple stuff.

00:18:59.000 No, no, no.

00:19:00.000 No, don't make sense.

00:19:02.000 Robitussin.

00:19:02.000 Oh, Robitussin.

00:19:03.000 Oh, yeah.

00:19:04.000 No, it wasn't even Robitussin.

00:19:06.000 It was that other stuff.

00:19:07.000 NyQuil.

00:19:08.000 The real NyQuil.

00:19:09.000 The real NyQuil with codeine.

00:19:10.000 So I wasn't doing anything.

00:19:12.000 Occasionally I would drink, but even then I would feel guilty.

00:19:15.000 Very, very, very rarely would try weed.

00:19:19.000 You hung out in pool all the time?

00:19:20.000 You never drank?

00:19:21.000 Not much.

00:19:22.000 Wow.

00:19:22.000 I didn't really drink.

00:19:23.000 I was trying to be healthy.

00:19:24.000 You know, that was like my thing.

00:19:25.000 You were a fighter, too.

00:19:26.000 You were all in shape.

00:19:26.000 I was just trying to be healthy.

00:19:28.000 Okay.

00:19:28.000 I was just trying to not be a loser.

00:19:30.000 Um...

00:19:31.000 I love how you don't even know what it is to be a loser, but you're like, don't we just not be that?

00:19:34.000 Yeah, well, it's enough to scare off the wolves.

00:19:38.000 So you've never done drugs or alcohol, pretty much.

00:19:40.000 Yeah, but I got sick.

00:19:40.000 And now somebody gave...

00:19:41.000 Okay.

00:19:42.000 I got sick, and I just felt like total shit, man.

00:19:46.000 I was just...

00:19:47.000 I got hit with the flu or whatever the fuck it was.

00:19:49.000 So I took some NyQuil, and I felt so good.

00:19:53.000 Yeah.

00:19:53.000 What was that relaxing?

00:19:55.000 I felt so good.

00:19:56.000 It was codeine, man.

00:19:57.000 Whatever it's said to take, I took more.

00:19:59.000 You know, if it's said to take, like, if you weigh, like, up to 170 pounds, I'm like, yeah, we're about 190 pounds.

00:20:05.000 And I probably weighed like 169. I was lean, son.

00:20:11.000 I didn't have much fatty tissue.

00:20:13.000 I took a full dose.

00:20:15.000 You took a ladle?

00:20:15.000 This NyQuil fucked me up.

00:20:18.000 And I was deep in this pillow, this down pillow.

00:20:22.000 And I felt so loved.

00:20:25.000 Really?

00:20:25.000 Oh my god.

00:20:27.000 I felt so loved.

00:20:28.000 I felt like the universe was just rubbing me with love.

00:20:31.000 Wow.

00:20:32.000 I felt soaked.

00:20:34.000 What was in it?

00:20:35.000 What's in that?

00:20:36.000 Codeine.

00:20:36.000 Codeine, man.

00:20:37.000 What's codeine?

00:20:37.000 What drug is codeine?

00:20:38.000 It's a good one.

00:20:39.000 That's its own drug?

00:20:40.000 That's the drug?

00:20:40.000 It's what you used to take when you were a kid growing up.

00:20:43.000 You would take one thing and you'd do it right before you go to bed.

00:20:47.000 Oh, right.

00:20:49.000 But where can I find that now?

00:20:50.000 You can still get it.

00:20:51.000 In what?

00:20:52.000 You gotta go to your doctor's office, coughing up a fake storm.

00:20:56.000 If you got bronchitis, you can get it.

00:20:59.000 You just need to start coughing, rough your throat up a little bit.

00:21:02.000 And how do they give it to you?

00:21:03.000 A pill form or something?

00:21:04.000 Like, if you're gonna turn your girlfriend into the cops...

00:21:05.000 Drink it.

00:21:06.000 If you're gonna turn your girlfriend into the cops for domestic abuse, you'd punch yourself in the face a few times and call the police.

00:21:12.000 That's what you gotta do.

00:21:14.000 To get the codeine, you gotta raspy up your throat, man.

00:21:16.000 You gotta fuck it up.

00:21:17.000 You gotta cough a lot.

00:21:18.000 And they go, this poor gentleman needs some codeine.

00:21:21.000 It's usually way worse than this.

00:21:23.000 I'm braved out because of this doctor appointment.

00:21:27.000 I'm barely breathing.

00:21:30.000 And they hook you up with that.

00:21:32.000 I got prescribed for wisdom teeth out.

00:21:35.000 And my doctor, both of them have done a really good job.

00:21:38.000 So I was not really worried about this one.

00:21:40.000 He's like, if you need these, there's Vicodins.

00:21:42.000 He goes, if you don't need them, I'm sure you can find maybe somebody.

00:21:45.000 I don't know.

00:21:45.000 I'm a comedian.

00:21:47.000 I have multiple people telling me to tough it out.

00:21:49.000 Let's not say he said that.

00:21:50.000 Let's say he allegedly said that.

00:21:52.000 Let's say that.

00:21:53.000 Someone could track your dental records.

00:21:55.000 Oh, God.

00:21:56.000 It's like my friends did love it, though.

00:22:00.000 They're like, you don't use those?

00:22:01.000 I'm like, never been into them.

00:22:02.000 I'm like, well, you might be.

00:22:03.000 That stuff you're talking about is what all the celebrity kids mix with Red Bull and shit like that, and they drink it as a drink.

00:22:10.000 It's called purple drink and stuff.

00:22:12.000 And that's all the beavers and stuff that get caught with the bottles of that.

00:22:17.000 What are they drinking?

00:22:18.000 What's the mixture?

00:22:19.000 Syrup.

00:22:20.000 Syrup.

00:22:21.000 So that's what they're drinking.

00:22:22.000 Codeine?

00:22:22.000 Codeine.

00:22:23.000 It's usually mixed with Mountain Dew or something like that.

00:22:26.000 Jolly Ranchers.

00:22:27.000 Jolly Ranchers.

00:22:28.000 This is a comedian.

00:22:29.000 I'm not gonna name names.

00:22:30.000 Don't you name names either, you fuck.

00:22:32.000 This is a comedian that used to have a real problem with NyQuil.

00:22:35.000 And club owners would have to buy him containers of NyQuil.

00:22:39.000 No way!

00:22:39.000 And bring them to him.

00:22:40.000 Yeah.

00:22:41.000 And he would drink them.

00:22:42.000 Like, more than one in a night.

00:22:43.000 I would have said Duncan until he said club owners had to bring them.

00:22:45.000 Duncan was our first thing.

00:22:46.000 I can see him having a problem with NyQuil.

00:22:48.000 It was a long time ago.

00:22:49.000 Wow.

00:22:49.000 It was a long time ago.

00:22:50.000 And that's why.

00:22:51.000 They had to bring it for him.

00:22:52.000 Fault in this guy.

00:22:53.000 Yeah.

00:22:53.000 That's pretty cool.

00:22:54.000 Yeah, well, you know, he's a good comic.

00:22:57.000 Did he perform well on it?

00:22:58.000 He's very good.

00:22:58.000 I don't know.

00:22:59.000 I don't think he was on it when I was on stage.

00:23:00.000 I think it's one of those things where, you know, you want to, like, fight the demons on into the night, you need some sort of chemical protection.

00:23:10.000 Take the codeine and rally against smog.

00:23:17.000 Did you see that yet?

00:23:18.000 Fuck yeah, I did.

00:23:19.000 The moment it came out, I was first in line.

00:23:21.000 Oh, nice.

00:23:22.000 What is that?

00:23:22.000 Hobbit?

00:23:23.000 Fucking Hobbit, man.

00:23:23.000 I love those movies, man.

00:23:25.000 The dragons in those Hobbits were such cool dragons.

00:23:28.000 Oh, they're the best.

00:23:29.000 I rooted for him.

00:23:30.000 Fucking elves.

00:23:30.000 You always root for your elves.

00:23:32.000 Elves are douchebags.

00:23:33.000 Quit singing songs all the time, idiot.

00:23:36.000 Yeah.

00:23:37.000 Fucking good fight.

00:23:37.000 You guys are way too happy with yourself.

00:23:40.000 Yeah.

00:23:41.000 Oh, you're really good with a bone arrow.

00:23:42.000 We're lovely.

00:23:43.000 We're all lovely.

00:23:48.000 That fucking dragon was so dope.

00:23:50.000 The CGI they can do together.

00:23:52.000 Really?

00:23:53.000 Oh my god.

00:23:54.000 I don't know how many people are working together on that thing, but the CGI that they were able to concoct, what they're able to do- Did it look really good?

00:24:02.000 Oh my god!

00:24:03.000 It's so good.

00:24:04.000 It looks like it's a real thing, and there's another real thing that it's interacting with.

00:24:09.000 The CGI is so good, especially with dragons, because dragons aren't real.

00:24:15.000 So you don't know what they really look like.

00:24:17.000 Oh, right.

00:24:17.000 You can't use video in the wild.

00:24:19.000 Yeah.

00:24:20.000 But if you look at, like, a dog, like, when they CGI dogs, it just looks slightly goofy.

00:24:25.000 There's just a slight goofiness to it.

00:24:27.000 Oh, yeah.

00:24:27.000 They haven't totally overcome yet.

00:24:29.000 But they've overcome it with dragons.

00:24:31.000 And also with dinosaurs.

00:24:33.000 Yeah, they don't move quite right.

00:24:34.000 It's like, what are you doing with your fucking...

00:24:36.000 Why are you walking like that, dogs?

00:24:37.000 We don't know.

00:24:38.000 I think hair is a big one.

00:24:40.000 I think hair is tough to reproduce.

00:24:42.000 I think they have a real hard time, like, making, like, accurate-looking ripples and stuff like that.

00:24:47.000 Because it's all done with programs and they have to use all these like various technologies to figure out how to fucking shade things correctly and use the proper textures and it's like it's really complex.

00:25:01.000 Hair moves too slowly?

00:25:02.000 Doesn't like jitter like it does in the wind like normal?

00:25:04.000 Well, you know, Clay Guida couldn't be in the early UFC games because he wouldn't cut his hair.

00:25:09.000 Couldn't get his hair down.

00:25:10.000 So Clay Guida, his hair was so important to him that he chose to not be in the early UFC games.

00:25:16.000 Instead of cut it.

00:25:17.000 Yeah, because he's like, I mean, I don't know if anybody ever...

00:25:20.000 Pull that hair and just yank it down during a fight?

00:25:22.000 You're not allowed to.

00:25:23.000 You're not allowed?

00:25:23.000 You used to be able to do that.

00:25:25.000 In fact, Hoyce Gracie used Kimo's hair like it was a really important part of him winning that fight.

00:25:32.000 He was beating the shit out of him from his back and then he set up an arm bar.

00:25:36.000 Wow.

00:25:36.000 But Hoist was holding on to his ponytail.

00:25:39.000 Like, he had a grip on the back of his head.

00:25:41.000 Like, it's ridiculous to give someone the ability to hold on to the back of your hair if that's, like, a part of fighting.

00:25:47.000 Eric Paulson, he's another guy who got in a bad situation because the guy was grabbing his hair and punched him in the head.

00:25:53.000 Like, in real life, like, oh, you can't have hair like this.

00:25:56.000 It's bad for a fight.

00:25:57.000 It's easier to grab onto.

00:25:58.000 You have a handle on your head, son.

00:26:00.000 It's like my bit about the duck hunting guys, the Duck Dynasty guys and their beard.

00:26:05.000 Yeah, it's easier to hold onto.

00:26:07.000 Yeah, if someone wants to fuck your face, that's a goddamn handle right there.

00:26:10.000 That's the best way to do it.

00:26:11.000 This is the best way.

00:26:12.000 You gave them a handle to hold onto your mouth.

00:26:17.000 What are you trying to do?

00:26:18.000 What are you trying to do?

00:26:20.000 You're leaving it open for me.

00:26:21.000 Yeah, but they can do it with dinosaurs and they can do it with dragons.

00:26:25.000 Jurassic Park got it great.

00:26:27.000 Jurassic Park had it great.

00:26:28.000 The first Jurassic Park.

00:26:29.000 Fuck.

00:26:30.000 You can't watch it on TV now.

00:26:31.000 You can't watch it on TV because it looks terrible.

00:26:32.000 On the screen, that was awesome.

00:26:33.000 Yeah, I saw the new trailer.

00:26:35.000 It looks amazing.

00:26:36.000 Why would they go back there ever?

00:26:38.000 Why would they keep going back?

00:26:39.000 Fucking ten years later, that's it?

00:26:41.000 Is that what it is though?

00:26:43.000 Or is it a total reboot?

00:26:44.000 I don't know.

00:26:45.000 I feel like it's a reboot, like Spider-Man.

00:26:47.000 Like they're rebooting it.

00:26:48.000 They're going back.

00:26:50.000 They're going back?

00:26:51.000 You can see it on the...

00:26:51.000 There's like a map.

00:26:52.000 You can see the quarantine zone.

00:26:54.000 Like you're not supposed to go here.

00:26:55.000 Oh, right.

00:26:56.000 They fixed the rest of the shit.

00:26:57.000 Okay.

00:26:58.000 I wish we could play that.

00:27:00.000 We could play it on this TV. The trailer?

00:27:02.000 Yeah, play it on this TV so we could watch it.

00:27:04.000 The trailer?

00:27:04.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:27:04.000 Oh, I hope it's in 3D because then we'll already be ready.

00:27:06.000 Oh, yeah.

00:27:07.000 I don't think it will.

00:27:08.000 It definitely will not be.

00:27:10.000 We're going to probably go blind by the end of the show.

00:27:12.000 Probably.

00:27:12.000 Keep these fucking glasses on.

00:27:14.000 Does anybody feel uncomfortable or is it just me?

00:27:15.000 It's a little bit uncomfortable.

00:27:17.000 Maybe we should go without the glasses.

00:27:19.000 So they're going back.

00:27:20.000 Can we get some volume?

00:27:23.000 So we'll listen to this?

00:27:24.000 Oh, Tweety Birds over my head.

00:27:25.000 Get out of here.

00:27:25.000 Oh, you have Tweety Birds.

00:27:28.000 Who put Tweety Birds over his head?

00:27:30.000 Birds?

00:27:31.000 That's rude.

00:27:31.000 If someone chases you, run.

00:27:34.000 If someone chases you or something...

00:27:35.000 Ten years ago, they were killing people.

00:27:38.000 Don't joke about it.

00:27:40.000 Well...

00:27:41.000 We joke about Hiroshima.

00:27:43.000 It's true.

00:27:47.000 So what we're watching, people that are listening at home, is a super dope yacht headed towards an island that is populated by...

00:27:56.000 And this little fucking kid pushes it up front so he can just see.

00:27:58.000 Not everyone else is watching?

00:28:00.000 Where's your dad, fuckface?

00:28:02.000 Push it up front?

00:28:02.000 Get out of here.

00:28:03.000 Learn some manners, you little cunt.

00:28:06.000 You white privileged little cis privilege.

00:28:10.000 White privilege!

00:28:11.000 White privilege!

00:28:12.000 Cisgendered.

00:28:13.000 Now they're in some balls.

00:28:15.000 Little suppressive asshole.

00:28:17.000 Now they're in these weird trains and pods.

00:28:21.000 And they're just casually strolling around dinosaurs.

00:28:23.000 And then it's zero.

00:28:25.000 Yeah, there's a shark suspended.

00:28:29.000 And an impossibly huge dinosaur comes out of the water, eats the shark.

00:28:33.000 Wow.

00:28:34.000 And ruins everyone's iPhones.

00:28:36.000 And you know what I realized when I look at that?

00:28:38.000 You gotta feed that fucker a lot of sharks.

00:28:41.000 How many sharks does that thing need to eat today?

00:28:43.000 A lot, probably.

00:28:44.000 It's way bigger than the shark.

00:28:46.000 I doubt they planned this out.

00:28:47.000 That's some science shit.

00:28:49.000 So many super hot scientists for no reason.

00:28:52.000 Unbelievable.

00:28:52.000 Super hot with bangs.

00:28:54.000 Who is that broad?

00:28:55.000 Probably not a good idea.

00:28:56.000 She's hot as fuck.

00:28:57.000 That guy's hot as fuck too.

00:28:59.000 I would just wish this would turn into Guardians of the Galaxy 2. I haven't seen the first one yet.

00:29:03.000 Because you're an idiot.

00:29:05.000 Oh, how dare you.

00:29:07.000 It's a good movie.

00:29:09.000 There's a handsome bastard right there.

00:29:11.000 Also, Deer Hunter.

00:29:15.000 Look how pretty that girl is.

00:29:16.000 Evacuate the island.

00:29:17.000 Would you be willing to give it all up, the whole Hollywood dream, just to be in her arms for the rest of your life in harmony?

00:29:27.000 Every day.

00:29:29.000 Oh, wow.

00:29:30.000 I don't like it.

00:29:31.000 What are you saying?

00:29:32.000 I don't like this background.

00:29:33.000 She said run!

00:29:36.000 Get that girl away from me.

00:29:37.000 Ooh, I love the sound.

00:29:42.000 Oh, good lord.

00:29:44.000 And the racin against Velociraptors.

00:29:46.000 Whoa.

00:29:46.000 And the Velociraptors are running away from what is chasing him.

00:29:49.000 Because they're all gonna get killed.

00:29:51.000 A super dinosaur.

00:29:53.000 It's a new super dinosaur.

00:29:54.000 Yeah, like regular dinosaurs weren't funky enough.

00:29:57.000 For sure, the giant one they fed the sharks to, that's coming back into play later.

00:30:01.000 That's not going to only be a plot point they're going to hit once.

00:30:04.000 I disagree.

00:30:06.000 Really?

00:30:06.000 That could be it.

00:30:07.000 Yeah, it's very possible that's it.

00:30:09.000 I don't think it is.

00:30:10.000 My bet said it's not.

00:30:10.000 I think it's probably really expensive to film underwater shit, and they're like, look, if we could stick to the jungles, we could save about $75 million from the budget.

00:30:18.000 No way!

00:30:19.000 They're gonna do it all!

00:30:19.000 This is a trick movie.

00:30:21.000 James Cameron has this underwater technology down pat.

00:30:24.000 He's the only guy right now because of Avatar 2. And he's deep sea diving in the rig, right?

00:30:28.000 Yeah, he is.

00:30:29.000 Yeah, that's crazy.

00:30:30.000 He goes down like the bottom of the fucking ocean.

00:30:32.000 He's setting records.

00:30:32.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:30:34.000 What?

00:30:34.000 Him.

00:30:35.000 Think about him.

00:30:36.000 The guy's nuts.

00:30:38.000 He goes to the bottom of the ocean, and he, like, innovates.

00:30:41.000 He's, like, one of those guys that's involved in the innovation as far as, like, deep-sea filming and exploration.

00:30:50.000 He's going down in little one-man submarines and shit.

00:30:53.000 Like...

00:30:54.000 Yeah.

00:30:55.000 That's where he's gonna die.

00:30:56.000 He's gonna die in one of those things.

00:30:57.000 Maybe not.

00:30:58.000 Maybe not, though.

00:30:59.000 Even more incredible if he gets through all this and he's fine.

00:31:01.000 Yeah, you can see the depths of the fucking...

00:31:03.000 where no one has ever been.

00:31:04.000 Look, he's got enough money to do it correctly.

00:31:07.000 God.

00:31:08.000 I mean, he's incredibly wealthy and incredibly smart.

00:31:10.000 Do you think he has a wife that's like, you should take me with you next time.

00:31:12.000 You don't think I want to see that stuff?

00:31:13.000 That's how annoying his wife is.

00:31:15.000 He goes to the bottom of the ocean to get away from her.

00:31:17.000 Could you imagine if that's what he said?

00:31:19.000 Can you imagine?

00:31:21.000 James Cameron, why did you go to the bottom of the ocean?

00:31:24.000 Because my wife won't shut the fuck up.

00:31:26.000 I just can't.

00:31:27.000 That was his post-game interview.

00:31:30.000 We're not saying it is, Mr. Cameron.

00:31:32.000 Please, please don't hack our station.

00:31:35.000 Please.

00:31:36.000 We're humble servants of the Lord.

00:31:37.000 The overlord Cameron.

00:31:38.000 We love you.

00:31:39.000 We love you.

00:31:39.000 I'm a huge James Cameron fan.

00:31:40.000 I love that fucking movie.

00:31:42.000 He does cool stuff.

00:31:42.000 Not just that one.

00:31:43.000 I love a million of his movies.

00:31:45.000 What else has he done?

00:31:46.000 God damn.

00:31:46.000 We want to pull up his IMDb.

00:31:47.000 They're making two sequels to Avatar, right?

00:31:50.000 No way.

00:31:51.000 Yeah.

00:31:51.000 Avatar 2 and Avatar 3. Is that what I... Really?

00:31:54.000 You're making two of them?

00:31:55.000 Yeah.

00:31:55.000 He's done so many movies, man.

00:31:58.000 Yeah, he did Aliens, right?

00:31:59.000 In the Terminator movies.

00:32:00.000 Yeah, he did the Terminator movies.

00:32:01.000 Terminator movies, that's right.

00:32:03.000 And then he married the girl.

00:32:04.000 Did he do the first one, too?

00:32:04.000 He married the girl from the Terminator movies, right?

00:32:06.000 Bam!

00:32:07.000 I'm gonna fuck my star.

00:32:09.000 Never found her that hot.

00:32:11.000 What?

00:32:11.000 How dare you?

00:32:12.000 I always thought she was just like there.

00:32:13.000 Take a lap.

00:32:16.000 Take a lap.

00:32:17.000 I'll stand by it.

00:32:18.000 She's a date in six.

00:32:19.000 Oh, she's so sexy.

00:32:21.000 She's a survivor, bro.

00:32:23.000 Three new Avatar movies.

00:32:24.000 Wow, three new?

00:32:25.000 So there's going to be four of them total?

00:32:27.000 Yep.

00:32:28.000 Damn, he did Titanic.

00:32:30.000 Motherfucker did Titanic.

00:32:32.000 Okay.

00:32:33.000 Oh yeah, Titanic.

00:32:34.000 And Aliens.

00:32:35.000 You know, I had a problem with Aliens and I still do.

00:32:38.000 The only reason I have a problem with it is because I saw Alien.

00:32:43.000 Aliens is all of a sudden they became dopey and easy to kill.

00:32:47.000 Because there were more of them.

00:32:48.000 Yeah!

00:32:49.000 Alien, the first one, He's incredibly smart and slick and avoiding people.

00:32:55.000 And he finds a way to ambush you when you're not looking.

00:32:59.000 You turn around and he's there.

00:33:00.000 That's what they always do in the movies.

00:33:02.000 They scale wrong.

00:33:04.000 So you can murder a thousand people trying to stop you, but then one guy, it's difficult.

00:33:09.000 Unless that one alien was that bad of an ass.

00:33:11.000 He was just born.

00:33:12.000 He was a newborn with no one to teach him.

00:33:14.000 The problem is...

00:33:15.000 He had no one to teach him, right?

00:33:16.000 He's the one who escaped out of the fucking belly and ran off?

00:33:17.000 Exactly.

00:33:18.000 That's a good point.

00:33:19.000 He's living on his own.

00:33:20.000 You're really being compassionate.

00:33:20.000 That's beautiful.

00:33:21.000 You're right.

00:33:22.000 No one talked to a little guy.

00:33:23.000 On his own, he figured that out.

00:33:24.000 Maybe what we would do to fix the alien population is get them together, like when they're really young, and feed them only vegetables.

00:33:31.000 Oh, you're right.

00:33:32.000 Turn them into vegans.

00:33:33.000 Little vegan aliens.

00:33:34.000 Change them.

00:33:35.000 Just give them beans.

00:33:36.000 Beans are fine.

00:33:37.000 There's a lot of protein.

00:33:39.000 The aliens.

00:33:39.000 Mr. Alien, we have a bowl of beans.

00:33:41.000 It fucking slams its head into the door trying to get at you.

00:33:44.000 Trying to kill you.

00:33:45.000 You keep it in some sort of a cell.

00:33:47.000 We have your beans.

00:33:48.000 Fucking get away from me!

00:33:50.000 You fuck!

00:33:51.000 God damn it!

00:33:52.000 When are they going to be vegan?

00:33:54.000 They should be vegan by now!

00:33:57.000 It's been wigs!

00:33:59.000 You go to try to retrieve your tray and there's fucking teeth mark in it, big shark bites taken out of it.

00:34:05.000 Why are you eating metal?

00:34:06.000 Don't!

00:34:08.000 Just eat vegetables!

00:34:10.000 Mr. Alien!

00:34:11.000 Okay, I'm not giving you anything but mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes and yams.

00:34:18.000 And vegan butter.

00:34:19.000 Cat escapes and goes in there.

00:34:21.000 And they're just clawing at the door.

00:34:24.000 Clawing every day for 16 hours clawing at the door.

00:34:30.000 Eventually they'll get calm instead of the stereo.

00:34:33.000 They have to bring in engineers to figure out when they're going to get tired.

00:34:35.000 They don't seem to be getting tired.

00:34:37.000 We should just give them some meat.

00:34:40.000 No!

00:34:41.000 It's all about the meat experience.

00:34:43.000 I can't do it.

00:34:51.000 That would be a good sequel to Alien.

00:34:54.000 Alien the vegan.

00:34:55.000 Can you imagine something like Alien?

00:34:58.000 Just take one right out of the chest.

00:35:01.000 It explodes into a tube.

00:35:03.000 We have the tube set up on the guy's chest when you know he's going to give birth to the alien.

00:35:07.000 Right when it breaks through, it breaks through into one of those vacuum things.

00:35:11.000 The old mail slots?

00:35:12.000 Yeah, the mail slots.

00:35:15.000 Yeah.

00:35:15.000 Those fucking things.

00:35:16.000 Those tubes.

00:35:17.000 That's the best way to get an abortion, is stick your vagina in that.

00:35:20.000 Jamie and I were looking at another warehouse space, and one of the spaces, like podcast studio space, one of the spaces had one of those things in it.

00:35:28.000 Still there?

00:35:29.000 He opened the cap, he sticks something in it, he closed it.

00:35:31.000 Well, we don't know.

00:35:32.000 Oh, yeah.

00:35:33.000 I mean, we don't know if it worked, but they had a thing there.

00:35:35.000 Wow.

00:35:35.000 They had one of those fucking launcher things.

00:35:38.000 Cool.

00:35:39.000 And then people just knew it just went to the right place, just shh.

00:35:42.000 I guess there was a destination on the other end.

00:35:44.000 The mailroom?

00:35:46.000 I don't know.

00:35:47.000 I think it might have been...

00:35:49.000 The place that we were looking at, they did all sorts of weird experiments.

00:35:52.000 So I don't know what the fuck kind of weird shit they were doing inside there.

00:35:55.000 They were doing missile technology.

00:35:57.000 Yeah, we looked at warehouses where they had previously done missile technology shit.

00:36:01.000 They probably weren't even supposed to tell us that, right?

00:36:04.000 Probably those motherfuckers.

00:36:05.000 They probably violated some sort of a constitutional amendment.

00:36:08.000 We all start getting, like, knee cancer from just being there.

00:36:11.000 Yeah.

00:36:13.000 Knee cancer.

00:36:14.000 Knee cancer.

00:36:14.000 Yeah, but they had a tube.

00:36:16.000 They had one of those...

00:36:17.000 Wow, that's fun.

00:36:18.000 Yeah.

00:36:19.000 God, I would stick my hand in all the time.

00:36:21.000 Hold it back.

00:36:22.000 Oh, yeah.

00:36:22.000 Of course.

00:36:23.000 Eventually, you'd have your dick in there, right?

00:36:25.000 With a fleshlight.

00:36:26.000 Someone would.

00:36:26.000 Just saw the bottom off a fleshlight or unscrew it and just...

00:36:30.000 Is this pure suction?

00:36:31.000 Yeah, I'll just...

00:36:33.000 Suction.

00:36:33.000 Someone's gonna do it.

00:36:34.000 Like, it's pulling you back in.

00:36:36.000 Someone would definitely do it.

00:36:37.000 It might be built perfectly for it.

00:36:39.000 It might be.

00:36:39.000 Imagine if no one knew, but then, like, you get, like, the standard, like, male slot vacuum thing, and you put a flashlight to it, and you're like, oh my god, look at this.

00:36:48.000 Shunk!

00:36:49.000 It just, like, locks in place, like, thunk!

00:36:51.000 This is like, it's like Indiana Jones, where you, like, put the right thing into the wall, and you turn the key.

00:36:58.000 To make it work.

00:36:59.000 Oh, but then the worst part about that is after you come, it would just shut up that fucking slot, and someone else would just shoot it into somebody's office.

00:37:05.000 No, we're going to test it, just catch a fucking facial.

00:37:07.000 No, it goes right into the ocean, and it feeds fish.

00:37:11.000 It's biodegradable.

00:37:12.000 Oh, this is all set up just for that?

00:37:13.000 Totally.

00:37:14.000 Oh, okay.

00:37:14.000 You're building infrastructure.

00:37:16.000 Yeah, it's in Malibu.

00:37:17.000 It's the same house that they use to film Iron Man.

00:37:22.000 We're just coming on dolphins.

00:37:25.000 Dolphins swimming in it and loving it.

00:37:27.000 The vacuum tubes leading out into the ocean.

00:37:32.000 Good lord.

00:37:34.000 Yeah, if somebody came up with something like that, have you seen the latest stuff they're doing with Oculus Rift?

00:37:40.000 They're doing Oculus Rift first-person porn.

00:37:43.000 They're doing three-dimensional, yeah, virtual reality.

00:37:45.000 And so you have stuff on you, it's going to, like, touch you and stuff?

00:37:48.000 Not yet.

00:37:49.000 Right now, it's just you're watching it.

00:37:50.000 And you're watching it, and it looks like you're actually doing it.

00:37:54.000 Yeah, but eventually they're gonna be able to sync that up with something that stimulates your senses.

00:37:59.000 You still haven't watched a South Park Oculus Rift episode, have you?

00:38:01.000 No, I have not.

00:38:03.000 Man, you gotta watch this whole season of South Park.

00:38:05.000 It's an amazing season.

00:38:07.000 Don't watch one episode.

00:38:08.000 This is the first season where the whole season holds together as one.

00:38:11.000 It's like a movie.

00:38:12.000 They have through lines.

00:38:13.000 Start at the beginning.

00:38:14.000 You have...

00:38:16.000 I'm guilty of not watching enough South Park.

00:38:18.000 I'm really guilty.

00:38:19.000 I need to get on it.

00:38:21.000 Is it on Netflix too?

00:38:22.000 I don't know.

00:38:23.000 It's on southparkstudios.com.

00:38:24.000 Is it on Apple TV? It's on Hulu Plus.

00:38:26.000 Hulu Plus?

00:38:27.000 It's probably on the Comedy Central.

00:38:30.000 It's southparkstudios.com.

00:38:32.000 Well, Comedy Central, you use an HDMI to get it to the Comedy Central Direct or ccdirect.com?

00:38:39.000 No, but not even.com.

00:38:40.000 Don't they have their own Apple TV and then...

00:38:43.000 They have their own app.

00:38:44.000 Oh, they have an app.

00:38:45.000 So if you have an iPad or an iPhone, you just use that app.

00:38:49.000 The UFC has an app now, too.

00:38:51.000 If you go on Apple TV, yeah, they have an app.

00:38:54.000 Like, you go on Apple TV, you can go to the UFC.tv.

00:38:57.000 You can go and watch Fight Pass.

00:38:59.000 Okay.

00:39:00.000 Yeah, Fight Pass is available on Apple TV. And you can watch fights like that?

00:39:03.000 Yeah, dude.

00:39:03.000 I was watching the other day.

00:39:04.000 I was bored, and I just said, let me just watch some old fights.

00:39:08.000 And I watched, like, two hours of old fights.

00:39:10.000 I just kept choosing different fights.

00:39:12.000 Yeah, we were Renazisis.

00:39:13.000 All those old, they each have their own symbol.

00:39:17.000 Whatever the fucking device is.

00:39:18.000 I haven't watched TV on a regular TV in forever.

00:39:20.000 What do they have those things up there where you can go to the Netflix one and the FX and...

00:39:23.000 Oh, like little icons you click on?

00:39:25.000 Yeah.

00:39:25.000 And because they all just have their own live HBO Go.

00:39:28.000 They all have their own live feed.

00:39:29.000 And you just Apple TV it into the TV. Apple TV is incredible.

00:39:33.000 The only thing that's incredible is live sports.

00:39:34.000 But now they've got that.

00:39:36.000 You can watch live Fox, live CBS. That's eventually going to happen.

00:39:39.000 I mean, why wouldn't they just...

00:39:41.000 Get what you want to get.

00:39:42.000 Have it all available to everyone.

00:39:42.000 Don't get what you don't want to get.

00:39:44.000 The regular television networks are going to be obsolete.

00:39:47.000 There's almost no way around it.

00:39:48.000 It's just too difficult to support that sort of model when someone can do something like Netflix where they can have the entire season up in advance.

00:39:56.000 In advance.

00:39:57.000 When you're ready, here it all is.

00:39:58.000 There's this Marco Polo show I'm watching.

00:40:00.000 Have you seen it?

00:40:01.000 It's on Netflix.

00:40:02.000 It's fucking good, dude.

00:40:03.000 And the entire season is in advance.

00:40:06.000 You just download the whole season.

00:40:07.000 You binge watch from the jump.

00:40:10.000 I mean, it's fucking great.

00:40:11.000 They've got a good model.

00:40:13.000 Ah, they're so, they're killing it.

00:40:14.000 But they have like some insane amount of people that have subscribed.

00:40:17.000 Yeah, because they keep putting out good products.

00:40:19.000 70 million worldwide and 70 million people paying seven bucks a month.

00:40:24.000 That's a lot of fucking people, man.

00:40:26.000 That's insane.

00:40:26.000 That's a lot.

00:40:27.000 The money's insane.

00:40:28.000 Yeah, they keep putting it back into like making new shows and stuff.

00:40:31.000 Yeah, it's amazing.

00:40:32.000 Game of cards.

00:40:33.000 House of cards.

00:40:34.000 And also stand-up specials.

00:40:36.000 They're great for stand-up specials.

00:40:38.000 Netflix, my first one, my first legit one, I did it for Netflix, then put it on Showtime.

00:40:45.000 That was 2005. That was old Netflix.

00:40:48.000 They were always doing things like that, though.

00:40:50.000 They've done a lot.

00:40:51.000 The Bill Burr one they did, the black and white one from Atlanta.

00:40:55.000 And my special can be seen this Friday.

00:40:57.000 Oh, shit!

00:40:58.000 On Comedy Central.

00:40:59.000 Yes!

00:40:59.000 It's Friday night at midnight.

00:41:01.000 11 p.m.

00:41:02.000 if you're in the middle zones.

00:41:04.000 But you can get it right now, right?

00:41:05.000 You can get it right now.

00:41:06.000 Go to arieshaphir.com, arieshaphir.com.

00:41:08.000 Wait, what are you saying?

00:41:10.000 It's right there.

00:41:10.000 It's available right now for download.

00:41:12.000 Hold on.

00:41:12.000 What don't you understand?

00:41:13.000 Hold on.

00:41:14.000 Okay, hold on.

00:41:15.000 Let's back up.

00:41:16.000 You're trying to tell me that you can get your special right now at arieshaphir.com.

00:41:22.000 It's not even been on Comedy Central yet.

00:41:25.000 That's right.

00:41:26.000 It's not even been on Comedy Central.

00:41:27.000 And you'll get the bigger version, the 30 extra minutes.

00:41:29.000 That is fucking outrageous.

00:41:32.000 And a Jew and A. Yes.

00:41:33.000 What?

00:41:34.000 Yeah.

00:41:35.000 The Jew and A is one of the funniest things.

00:41:37.000 That is outrageous.

00:41:38.000 Have you ever seen the Jew and A? No.

00:41:41.000 Yeah, of course I have, man.

00:41:42.000 I've been there.

00:41:43.000 A million times.

00:41:44.000 The back of the Comedy Store.

00:41:45.000 Yeah.

00:41:46.000 Ask a Jew a question.

00:41:47.000 That's just fun.

00:41:48.000 I was there before it was a Jew and A. Before somebody came up with, like, Jew and A. That's short in the Q&A Jew and A. Yeah.

00:41:56.000 It was weird watching you film that there.

00:41:58.000 That was one of the first days I ever came back.

00:42:00.000 Yeah.

00:42:00.000 I came back the day before that to watch the roast battle.

00:42:04.000 I like how you said, I don't make a big deal with your special.

00:42:06.000 Let me just get it out of the way now.

00:42:08.000 Yeah.

00:42:09.000 Yeah, I wanted it to be, I wanted it to be, I wanted just to see your special, take it in, not as someone like, I can't believe I'm at the store the very first time back in seven years, and I'm seeing Ari's special.

00:42:19.000 Being filmed, I wanted to get that out of the way, so I got that out of the way first.

00:42:23.000 And I just...

00:42:24.000 It was so weird seeing you up there doing your special.

00:42:27.000 Like, killing it.

00:42:28.000 Oh, thanks.

00:42:29.000 It was weird.

00:42:30.000 Why weird?

00:42:31.000 Well, not weird, like, unexpected.

00:42:33.000 Just surreal in so many different ways.

00:42:37.000 Knowing you as long as I've known you.

00:42:40.000 Knowing you when you really first started doing stand-up.

00:42:42.000 And you watched me on that stage fucking as a terrible new comic.

00:42:46.000 Well, as a smart, open-miker that had potential.

00:42:50.000 That's what I thought.

00:42:51.000 But super green, anyway.

00:42:53.000 Yeah, but I thought you'd be fine.

00:42:54.000 I remember the moment I first started talking to you, I was like, this guy can do it.

00:42:59.000 I'm like, all you have to do is just keep going.

00:43:02.000 I knew you were smart, and you were funny, and you were young, and we were all young and awkward, but you were...

00:43:11.000 You had an idea.

00:43:13.000 Like, if you had an idea, you could say, we could be all talking, and you would say something, and people would go, yeah, you know, and that's all you need.

00:43:19.000 That's all you need, and then you have to be able to draw from that.

00:43:21.000 Exactly.

00:43:22.000 But I knew you were smart, and I knew you were, you know, you were pretty driven to be a stand-up comic.

00:43:27.000 Like, you really wanted it.

00:43:28.000 I knew you were going to make it.

00:43:30.000 I knew you were going to make it.

00:43:31.000 It was just one of those things.

00:43:32.000 I didn't.

00:43:33.000 You couldn't.

00:43:35.000 No, no one can.

00:43:35.000 No, no.

00:43:36.000 I mean, that's just what it's all about.

00:43:38.000 I mean, that's also part of what drives you to put in the work.

00:43:41.000 That takes you to make it.

00:43:42.000 We all know guys that started out at the same time as you, that were really talented.

00:43:46.000 Like you were.

00:43:48.000 They had the same kind of potential that you had.

00:43:52.000 You know, there's a lot of them.

00:43:53.000 I don't even want to mention names because I don't want them to hear this podcast to be bummed out and how things went on.

00:43:59.000 They didn't go on to become professional comedians even.

00:44:02.000 They just kind of got a job somewhere and they never figured out how to follow through.

00:44:05.000 But there's a few guys that we could talk about off air.

00:44:07.000 They were like really goddamn good.

00:44:10.000 They were really good.

00:44:11.000 Yeah, running in to watch their sets.

00:44:13.000 But I think that's for the guys who do get through.

00:44:16.000 It's a stern warning.

00:44:17.000 Like, don't think you're special.

00:44:19.000 Like, don't think you can ever relax.

00:44:22.000 Don't think you can ever take time off of analyzing what you're doing and making sure that you're doing it right.

00:44:28.000 Don't take it for granted.

00:44:29.000 Don't take the audience for granted, ever.

00:44:31.000 Don't, you know, just...

00:44:32.000 Well, at every level of development, somebody's dropped off.

00:44:35.000 So even somebody's like, how to hit, you know, special.

00:44:37.000 And then it's like, then they drop off there.

00:44:38.000 Someone else has one good open mic joke and drop off there.

00:44:41.000 Like, at every level, you're going to have a...

00:44:42.000 Have however many people, ten people at that level, and it's going to drop off to three that make it to the next level.

00:44:47.000 We can all crash and burn.

00:44:48.000 You know, one of the things that's really excited me about being back at the Comedy Store and also deciding that I'm going to stay in L.A. for a while.

00:44:48.000 Yeah.

00:45:01.000 This area that we have now, the amount of cool places to work, the amount of cool comics, the amount of funny guys that are in this area that we're at right now, this is really rare.

00:45:14.000 This is a rare spot, man.

00:45:17.000 We've done some of these shows at the Ice House.

00:45:20.000 The last one we did I think it was you and Bill Burr and Joey Diaz and Brian Callen and Ian Edwards.

00:45:27.000 And we're sitting around and I was like, this is the fucking most murderous lineup I've ever seen in my life.

00:45:34.000 And we all live here, you know?

00:45:38.000 We all drive here on a Wednesday night to hug each other, smoke some joints.

00:45:42.000 You know, and Brian's doing the Ice House Chronicles.

00:45:45.000 He's getting millions of downloads out of the same spot.

00:45:48.000 Yeah.

00:45:49.000 You're going up there and you're killing it in front of this crazy Pasadena crowd too.

00:45:54.000 I know about comedy.

00:45:55.000 These are crazy shows, man.

00:45:58.000 I mean, these are shows that are just like...

00:46:00.000 Yeah, me and Metzger always get into a fight over, like, LA or New York who has better comics.

00:46:04.000 But then I always point to, like, guys like Byrds.

00:46:06.000 Like, you developed their best ones and then shipped them off to us.

00:46:08.000 So, like, we're the Yankees.

00:46:10.000 There's no...

00:46:10.000 Fucking, we have the best team.

00:46:12.000 There's no best.

00:46:13.000 Yeah, this doesn't matter.

00:46:14.000 It's all bullshit.

00:46:14.000 There's no...

00:46:15.000 Like, the idea of arguing about that...

00:46:17.000 There's two good environments for stand-up, and I think one of the advantages that you have, coming from the LA model, which is less clubs, less sets, to the New York model, which is more clubs, more sets, more travel, you're hopping back and forth from club to club, is that you're coming from two different perspectives.

00:46:35.000 Yeah, I like they're both.

00:46:36.000 I like they're both.

00:46:37.000 There's weaknesses that each one has, and they just can deal with it because they're used to that scene.

00:46:41.000 Yeah.

00:46:42.000 Yeah, I feel like your jokes, your laughs per joke, the tightness of your joke has become cleaner since you went to New York.

00:46:50.000 Yeah, in New York there's a lot of like, come on, come on, get to it, get to it.

00:46:53.000 Yeah, I think that's a good thing to have.

00:46:56.000 But then also center it with something else where it's not all about an ironic level of just, here's my writing joke.

00:47:02.000 They have a lot of that where it's not so much truthful, it's more like, here's a good joke about a thing.

00:47:06.000 Well, what I was going to say is I think that the combination of what you brought from your experience in LA and on the road and then going to New York, that's a good mixture.

00:47:16.000 And I think that ultimately that's all you could want as a comic.

00:47:20.000 I think one of the things that's really important for all of us that seems to be important when I watch other people do it, when I'm outside of it, is life experiences equal funny, equals perspective, equals funny.

00:47:30.000 The more experiences you have in your life, the more material you're going to have.

00:47:34.000 You know, and I mean, experience is like, go do something.

00:47:37.000 Like, go somewhere.

00:47:38.000 Go do something, yeah.

00:47:39.000 Go do something.

00:47:40.000 Go try something out.

00:47:40.000 Like, Bill Burr's bit about being a helicopter pilot.

00:47:44.000 Have you ever seen that bit?

00:47:45.000 Let's get this new bit of a special about learning how to fly a helicopter.

00:47:45.000 No.

00:47:49.000 I'm not saying anything more, because it's just that fucking...

00:47:52.000 It's that fucking good.

00:47:53.000 I don't want to ruin any of it.

00:47:55.000 I won't ruin it by saying the word helicopter, so I'll leave it at that.

00:47:58.000 But it's one of my all-time favorite bits.

00:48:00.000 And it's a bit that he developed by actually doing that.

00:48:03.000 By actually learning how to fly a helicopter.

00:48:05.000 He actually can fly.

00:48:07.000 So I think that doing stuff...

00:48:08.000 Yeah, he's got a dog.

00:48:09.000 He had that great pit bull joke.

00:48:11.000 I like to watch people cross the street while he's coming at them.

00:48:14.000 He's like, yeah, I like the power.

00:48:16.000 He's got a lot of great jokes.

00:48:19.000 Living a little.

00:48:19.000 Yeah, living.

00:48:21.000 Experiencing life.

00:48:22.000 It's a whole different scene in New York.

00:48:24.000 Not just like the comics, but I'm talking about the girls, the bars, and the way you walk instead of drive.

00:48:30.000 Yeah, just a new experience in general.

00:48:32.000 Like, get your fucking mind moving.

00:48:34.000 It gets everything fired up in a new way.

00:48:36.000 And, I mean, even if you don't want to move somewhere, I mean, try jujitsu.

00:48:40.000 Do something weird.

00:48:41.000 It's a different route to work every day.

00:48:43.000 Try surfing.

00:48:43.000 Learn how to surf.

00:48:44.000 Take a fucking lesson.

00:48:45.000 Get out there in the fucking shark-infested waters of Santa Monica.

00:48:49.000 Swim for your life, boy!

00:48:51.000 Swim for your life!

00:48:52.000 Your toes are in the water!

00:48:54.000 Dum-dum [...]-dum.

00:48:58.000 You know what I did for this special too?

00:48:59.000 I worked this out in 10 countries.

00:49:02.000 This material.

00:49:03.000 Oh, that's interesting, man.

00:49:05.000 I went to a bunch of different places and tried it as much as I could.

00:49:08.000 Well, you did a lot of comedy in China, and we talked about that the last time you were here with all that gutter oil stuff.

00:49:12.000 Was that the last time I was here in June?

00:49:14.000 July, when I got back?

00:49:15.000 It was right when I got back from China.

00:49:16.000 Was that the last time?

00:49:17.000 I think so.

00:49:18.000 Man.

00:49:18.000 You might have been here in between.

00:49:20.000 Oh, yeah, maybe.

00:49:20.000 It's hard to tell.

00:49:21.000 Oh, maybe I was here to tape the special.

00:49:23.000 Could be, yeah.

00:49:23.000 Yeah, I think you were.

00:49:25.000 But doing comedy there for like a specific type of people, it's like, oh, interesting.

00:49:28.000 All right, some stuff works, some stuff doesn't.

00:49:29.000 Do they just go to see anybody who comes there every week?

00:49:34.000 Yeah.

00:49:35.000 No, but a lot of them would.

00:49:37.000 They'll read, like, this comic's in town.

00:49:39.000 People seem to like him.

00:49:40.000 They'll be like, oh, maybe I'll go.

00:49:41.000 Well, it is pretty cool if you're in a spot, if someone figures out a way to get really good comics to fly out all the way to Singapore and perform in front of you.

00:49:49.000 Like, that's got to be pretty fun.

00:49:51.000 Yeah.

00:49:51.000 Brent Weinbach just got back.

00:49:52.000 They loved him.

00:49:53.000 Yeah.

00:49:54.000 He's a funny dude.

00:49:54.000 They loved him.

00:49:55.000 He's so weird and funny.

00:49:56.000 Yeah, he's very funny, though.

00:49:57.000 I really enjoy watching him.

00:49:58.000 Yeah.

00:49:59.000 He's so outside the box.

00:50:00.000 What we're saying is, like, this is a great time.

00:50:02.000 There's so many good comics right now.

00:50:05.000 This is, like, maybe the best time of all time.

00:50:07.000 There's a bunch of good people doing good stuff.

00:50:09.000 You're like, yeah, cool, man, cool.

00:50:10.000 Yeah, like, if you take yourself out of the mix.

00:50:12.000 Yeah, take yourself out and then judge the system.

00:50:14.000 And then look at the system.

00:50:15.000 Good shows.

00:50:16.000 There's so many shows and there's also like the ability to promote oneself through the internet has gotten to this point where you get to know people.

00:50:26.000 We've talked many times about Robin Harris who was a really funny black comic back in the 90s.

00:50:32.000 He died before anybody got to know who he was.

00:50:34.000 But he didn't really have the distribution.

00:50:36.000 He was in, like, a couple of movies.

00:50:38.000 He did, like, a little bit of...

00:50:39.000 He had a CD called Bay-Based Kids.

00:50:41.000 Bay-Based Kids, yeah.

00:50:42.000 Yeah, but he was just so goddamn good, man, at the time.

00:50:45.000 But for whatever reason, the distribution method just wasn't available for him at the time.

00:50:49.000 And it's available now.

00:50:51.000 It's way better than it's available now.

00:50:52.000 You can just find your...

00:50:53.000 That's why there's no big...

00:50:54.000 What's going on over there, Brian?

00:50:54.000 What are you doing?

00:50:55.000 I was just trying to get my sweatshirt.

00:50:57.000 That's why there's no giant bands anymore.

00:50:59.000 Looks like you're on fire.

00:51:00.000 Because you don't need a Beatles for everybody.

00:51:02.000 You just need very specific things for very specific audiences.

00:51:06.000 So they break it down further and further.

00:51:06.000 Dave Matthews band.

00:51:08.000 And it's like, you don't have to like Dave Matthews band.

00:51:09.000 You can like a little bit more of an upbeat Dave Matthews band.

00:51:11.000 Well, guess what?

00:51:12.000 There's nine bands that are playing that type of music right now.

00:51:14.000 And you can find all of them.

00:51:15.000 You don't have to wait for the radio to bring it to you.

00:51:17.000 That's a very good point.

00:51:18.000 So you can't get these massive stars anymore.

00:51:21.000 Do you think that's true, though?

00:51:22.000 I mean, how does Justin Bieber emerge?

00:51:25.000 Kids music.

00:51:26.000 Kids music is the only way it works.

00:51:28.000 Yeah, and he was still through those distribution methods.

00:51:30.000 Those kids don't download shit yet.

00:51:32.000 I think that's probably best for everybody.

00:51:34.000 What?

00:51:35.000 There's no giant stars.

00:51:37.000 I mean, there's a lot of people that essentially should be giant stars that for whatever reason don't get considered in the same breath as like Jim Morrison or Janis Joplin or dead people, right?

00:51:50.000 Like, okay, Chris Cornell.

00:51:52.000 Chris Cornell from Soundgarden, maybe one of the greatest vocalists of all time.

00:51:57.000 He's great.

00:51:57.000 Dude, he's a monster.

00:51:59.000 He's still around, right?

00:52:00.000 Dude, of course he is.

00:52:01.000 But, I mean, if you, like, if you looked at, like, people who people, like, worship as being, like, all-time greats, for whatever reason, that guy, like, slips through the cracks.

00:52:09.000 Yeah.

00:52:10.000 Yeah, you're right.

00:52:11.000 Right?

00:52:12.000 Some people just hold up and some people don't when you talk about him 20 years later.

00:52:15.000 That guy's amazing.

00:52:16.000 Listen to Spoonman, you know?

00:52:18.000 I mean, that guy had the most insane voice.

00:52:20.000 His voice is incredible.

00:52:22.000 Did you hear the guy who took over for him?

00:52:23.000 Was that that band or the other band?

00:52:25.000 Who's the black guy that took over for the white guy?

00:52:29.000 Give it to me, Brian.

00:52:29.000 Yeah, I know you don't.

00:52:30.000 The black guy that took over for the white bye?

00:52:32.000 White bye.

00:52:32.000 Yeah, they kind of...

00:52:33.000 White bye?

00:52:34.000 Down in a Hole.

00:52:35.000 Who sang Down in a Hole?

00:52:36.000 Oh, is that Allison James?

00:52:39.000 The black guy took over after...

00:52:39.000 Yeah.

00:52:40.000 Oh, they got a new lead singer and he's black.

00:52:42.000 Lane Stanley died.

00:52:42.000 And he sounds exactly like Lane Staley.

00:52:44.000 Exactly like Lane Staley.

00:52:45.000 And you forget the fact that it's not Lane Staley until he sings Down in a Hole.

00:52:48.000 All right.

00:52:49.000 We're going to play a little game of YouTube Roulette.

00:52:53.000 Yeah, can you tell?

00:52:53.000 Let's see if we get kicked off YouTube by playing this.

00:52:56.000 You get kicked off YouTube by playing it?

00:52:58.000 Why?

00:52:58.000 We get kicked off all the time.

00:52:59.000 Why?

00:53:00.000 So, I don't know.

00:53:01.000 It just happens.

00:53:02.000 So, let's see.

00:53:03.000 Let's play it.

00:53:04.000 Free information trade, everybody!

00:53:08.000 I have to find something with him and singing it.

00:53:08.000 What's it called?

00:53:11.000 Okay, what's homeboy's name?

00:53:13.000 William Duvall, I have it.

00:53:14.000 William Duvall?

00:53:15.000 Yeah.

00:53:16.000 Oh, let's just find out some of their new shit.

00:53:18.000 He sounds just like...

00:53:19.000 He sings the old stuff, too.

00:53:21.000 He doesn't seem black to me, man.

00:53:22.000 Boom, there he is.

00:53:23.000 That guy doesn't look that black.

00:53:24.000 He is black.

00:53:25.000 He looks, like, Sephardic.

00:53:27.000 Notice I used that really...

00:53:29.000 Safest way to say it.

00:53:30.000 Really articulate term.

00:53:32.000 Sephardic.

00:53:33.000 Makes you sound more cultured.

00:53:34.000 Yes, thank you.

00:53:35.000 He's a Semite.

00:53:37.000 Man in a box.

00:53:39.000 That's the guy?

00:53:40.000 No, that's a white guy.

00:53:41.000 That's Jerry Cantrell.

00:53:42.000 I think it's the guitar player.

00:53:43.000 That guy looks like he does meth.

00:53:44.000 Wow, Jerry Cantrell looks like he should be in a fucking Nickelback.

00:53:47.000 Where is the black one?

00:53:50.000 Bring him to me.

00:53:51.000 He's so happy with life and everything, though, so it's tough to believe that he can actually sing about heroin.

00:53:58.000 Oh, yeah.

00:53:59.000 That's the only song I don't buy from him.

00:54:01.000 Them Bones.

00:54:02.000 You know that song?

00:54:04.000 Them Bones.

00:54:04.000 He sings it all.

00:54:06.000 Big ol' pile of them bones.

00:54:08.000 Oh, that guy's buck.

00:54:09.000 Now, you realize.

00:54:10.000 Different angles.

00:54:10.000 I love that.

00:54:11.000 Oh, that guy's buck.

00:54:12.000 Black as fuck.

00:54:13.000 That is not the same dude.

00:54:14.000 At some point or another.

00:54:17.000 I gotta hear what this dude sounds like.

00:54:18.000 You gotta hear it.

00:54:19.000 Just fast forward a minute and a half.

00:54:20.000 Get Born Again, 1998. Well, this is Lane Staley then.

00:54:24.000 This isn't the black gentleman.

00:54:26.000 I don't know yet.

00:54:28.000 You think it's both?

00:54:29.000 After Lane Staley died.

00:54:31.000 Staley died in 2002. The band decided to reunite for a benefit concert.

00:54:38.000 That was the starting point for a new beginning of Alice in Chains.

00:54:44.000 14 years, they released a new album with lead singer William Duvall.

00:54:47.000 Well, what is this?

00:54:48.000 Why am I reading this, Jamie?

00:54:49.000 Can I hear this gentleman sing?

00:54:51.000 Where's...

00:54:52.000 Yeah, just fast forward a minute and a half.

00:54:53.000 Where's the black guy?

00:54:55.000 Yeah, you guys ready for this?

00:54:56.000 That's Gene Simmons.

00:54:57.000 What the fuck kind of fuckery?

00:55:02.000 That's the guy?

00:55:03.000 It looks like him.

00:55:04.000 So it's about their journey.

00:55:06.000 Whoa, that's that dude singing?

00:55:07.000 I don't know.

00:55:09.000 This is bullshit.

00:55:10.000 I want to hear about your journey.

00:55:11.000 Jamie, this is probably your biggest failure you've ever had here.

00:55:13.000 I just want to say, as an artist, as an artist, artist to artist, shut up about your fucking journey.

00:55:21.000 Ha ha.

00:55:22.000 Yeah.

00:55:22.000 You're not a hobbit, okay?

00:55:24.000 You're a goddamn singer in a rock and roll band.

00:55:27.000 I know what you're doing, bitch.

00:55:28.000 You're a journey.

00:55:29.000 How dare you?

00:55:30.000 They so overdo that.

00:55:30.000 You're right.

00:55:32.000 Fucking shut up.

00:55:33.000 How dare you?

00:55:33.000 Grab me a river.

00:55:34.000 How dare you?

00:55:35.000 Journey.

00:55:36.000 Journey.

00:55:37.000 I had to take my own guitar case up to my room.

00:55:40.000 Fur-topped boots, tied up with fucking sinew.

00:55:43.000 Did you hike over the hill?

00:55:45.000 We always see DSA guys with leather pants in Hollywood during the day when it's hot out.

00:55:49.000 He's like, that's the only pants they own.

00:55:51.000 They're their fucking show pants.

00:55:53.000 They're hot as shit, and now it's melting inside.

00:55:56.000 Your ball bag's simmering in there.

00:55:58.000 It's cooking.

00:55:59.000 It's like a fucking ceviche.

00:56:01.000 Jamie, this is the same video.

00:56:02.000 Come on, Jamie.

00:56:03.000 Come on, dude.

00:56:04.000 What's going on over there?

00:56:05.000 Oh, my God.

00:56:07.000 Jamie's been off.

00:56:08.000 Top five William Duvall songs.

00:56:09.000 Last couple.

00:56:10.000 Wow, that looks weird with the 3D glasses on.

00:56:12.000 I'm not happy with these.

00:56:14.000 William Duvall has made a generally positive number five.

00:56:17.000 Okay, let's...

00:56:19.000 Yeah.

00:56:20.000 Yeah.

00:56:21.000 We get it.

00:56:22.000 We get it.

00:56:23.000 Sounds like a white guy.

00:56:24.000 Yeah.

00:56:24.000 Sounds like Blaine Staley.

00:56:26.000 But yeah, we get it.

00:56:29.000 How's your balls been, Ari?

00:56:31.000 Everything downstairs?

00:56:32.000 Oh, great.

00:56:32.000 Because we never talked to you about your balls and your butts and stuff like that.

00:56:36.000 Thought I had herpes.

00:56:37.000 Oh, that's right.

00:56:38.000 Really positive I had herpes.

00:56:41.000 I mean, really positive.

00:56:42.000 Like, what was the symptoms?

00:56:43.000 Like, on a 1 to 10. You had 10?

00:56:45.000 I was a 9. I was like, fuck, well, I got herpes.

00:56:48.000 The symptoms were I saw a scab on my dick.

00:56:52.000 And I was like, well, that's...

00:56:53.000 And then I looked it up on Google, on images.

00:56:56.000 What else do you think it is?

00:56:57.000 Herpes scars or whatever.

00:56:59.000 Herpes outbreaks.

00:57:00.000 And it didn't look like most of them.

00:57:01.000 It looked about like one out of like ten of them.

00:57:03.000 A real light case.

00:57:05.000 Never had them before, but I was like, look, I'm not the most careful guy in the world.

00:57:10.000 I mean condoms.

00:57:12.000 I mean no condoms.

00:57:14.000 So I was like, well, look, it's caught up to me.

00:57:17.000 I guess this is fucking, you know, get it now.

00:57:19.000 It's better than I got it when I was 25. I wish right now we could play Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangster.

00:57:25.000 Because you were in 10 different countries at least.

00:57:27.000 I was in a bunch of countries and I was like, look, this could have happened at any point, but I narrowed it down to who I thought...

00:57:32.000 It probably was.

00:57:33.000 I called like three or four girls.

00:57:35.000 Four girls.

00:57:36.000 Hey, I think I have herpes.

00:57:39.000 You should go get tested and stop fucking.

00:57:42.000 I'm like, why?

00:57:43.000 I'm like, I have a herpes outbreak.

00:57:44.000 There's no way there's anything else.

00:57:46.000 I have a herpes outbreak.

00:57:47.000 Yeah, because what else could it be?

00:57:48.000 You just don't wake up and have a scab.

00:57:50.000 Exactly.

00:57:51.000 And so I scheduled the blood work.

00:57:55.000 Get everything taken care of.

00:57:56.000 And in the meantime, it's over Christmas weekend, so it's going to take longer.

00:58:01.000 And then while I was hanging out, I was hanging out at the stand, comedy club.

00:58:06.000 Maybe the best club in New York.

00:58:09.000 But I'm talking to the owner and Pete Lee, this comedian, and telling him my problem.

00:58:13.000 And Pete was like, you know, where is it?

00:58:15.000 Like right underneath the hood of your dick?

00:58:17.000 I'm like, yeah, right there.

00:58:19.000 He's like, I had something like this once.

00:58:21.000 It was like a penile tear.

00:58:23.000 Have you done anything like rough lately?

00:58:26.000 And I was like, yeah.

00:58:28.000 Actually, I noticed it right after unlubricated anal sex.

00:58:33.000 That's when I first noticed it.

00:58:35.000 You're lucky you're alive.

00:58:36.000 But it just didn't go away.

00:58:37.000 You're lucky you're alive.

00:58:38.000 I'm lucky I'm alive.

00:58:39.000 And then that's what it turned out to be.

00:58:41.000 How do you have unlubricated anal sex?

00:58:43.000 That's like...

00:58:44.000 Fucking hard, bro.

00:58:45.000 Hard.

00:58:45.000 I mean, no spit?

00:58:46.000 You didn't spit on the dude's ass first?

00:58:47.000 No, yeah, of course.

00:58:48.000 It was wet.

00:58:49.000 Of course.

00:58:50.000 Lame.

00:58:51.000 That joke is played.

00:58:51.000 Fucking...

00:58:53.000 Ha ha ha.

00:58:55.000 Yeah, you get it wet and then you fucking go for it.

00:58:57.000 I don't know.

00:58:59.000 Do what you gotta do.

00:58:59.000 But yeah.

00:59:00.000 So relieved.

00:59:01.000 But you didn't have anything commercial lubricant.

00:59:03.000 Yeah.

00:59:03.000 So relieved.

00:59:04.000 And I'm telling you, if you think your wife has been happy when you've called before, after fucking three days on the road of not being able to call, you've never heard you tell a girl, oh, I was wrong.

00:59:17.000 You don't have herpes.

00:59:20.000 They get elated.

00:59:22.000 Overcome with joy.

00:59:24.000 Now, do you think maybe you should have just waited until the results came back?

00:59:27.000 Yeah, sure.

00:59:28.000 Well, I didn't want them to fuck somebody else in the meantime.

00:59:30.000 And then while I'm waiting aside, some other guy's life is ruined.

00:59:33.000 Right.

00:59:34.000 Well, I heard this is...

00:59:35.000 I may as well suck it up and take my lumps.

00:59:37.000 Also, on the other level, I figured I could tell them I'm 90% sure it was like a cop-out.

00:59:41.000 So I'm not like fully saying, look, I have it.

00:59:43.000 We fucked.

00:59:44.000 I thought that, from what I understood when I got tested, was that you can only test herpes while the outbreaks happen and they actually spoon a little out of the outbreak.

00:59:53.000 Like you can't really, it's really hard to test for herpes.

00:59:56.000 So a lot of times you can get tested during like not an outbreak and be like, oh yeah.

01:00:00.000 And you want to test positive for herpes?

01:00:02.000 No.

01:00:02.000 I think that was an old test.

01:00:03.000 I think that was like 15 years ago test.

01:00:06.000 They need Olympic style herpes test.

01:00:08.000 For serious boy and girl sluts.

01:00:15.000 And I heard if you do pop it, you could actually taste it.

01:00:18.000 Taste herpes?

01:00:19.000 Yeah, it's like a sweetness.

01:00:20.000 What?

01:00:20.000 How many different fucking pus wounds do you have to taste before herpes is like, I got it.

01:00:25.000 Yeah, you can't just taste it once.

01:00:26.000 That might just be that pus.

01:00:27.000 This is Sauvignon Blanc, 94. This person's had it for a while and treated.

01:00:32.000 It's a Burgundy from the South Valley.

01:00:34.000 Burgundy!

01:00:36.000 Burgundy's around.

01:00:37.000 The smell, the culture.

01:00:40.000 Swiffer around like a penis in your hand.

01:00:43.000 Look at the legs on that herpes.

01:00:46.000 How many herpes did you have to be able to taste to be able to taste herpes?

01:00:50.000 Well, you know, they figured out a way to train dogs to smell cancer.

01:00:53.000 Yeah.

01:00:54.000 That's awesome.

01:00:57.000 That's pretty crazy.

01:00:58.000 That's awesome.

01:00:59.000 You're telling me they can't put a dog at the fucking TSA counter?

01:01:02.000 Smell for bombs?

01:01:03.000 Yeah, but they also were going to smell for weed.

01:01:06.000 No, only training to smell for bombs.

01:01:08.000 Oh.

01:01:08.000 What about the weed dog?

01:01:09.000 He needs a job.

01:01:10.000 Get him in fucking Miami Airport.

01:01:13.000 The weed dog, he fucks up.

01:01:15.000 He thinks it's a bomb, but it's really just weed.

01:01:18.000 The poor guy, we try to train him.

01:01:20.000 Listen, man, we don't want to send him to the pound, Ari.

01:01:23.000 Let's just take a few, you know, one or two weed arrests a month.

01:01:27.000 It's not going to hurt anybody.

01:01:29.000 We're going to get more revenue in the system.

01:01:32.000 We're going to have...

01:01:33.000 No!

01:01:34.000 That's infringing on our rights just for your way to raise money.

01:01:38.000 And you know what?

01:01:38.000 Sometimes out of that struggle comes a dialogue.

01:01:41.000 No!

01:01:42.000 That's not a thing!

01:01:43.000 You're just robbing us and saying...

01:01:44.000 A few important people...

01:01:45.000 You're saying buzzwords, cops.

01:01:47.000 Don't stop!

01:01:48.000 Don't just rob our freedoms.

01:01:50.000 Say buzzwords.

01:01:51.000 No, don't just say the children.

01:01:53.000 They're gonna go to jail for a little while, 24 hours.

01:01:55.000 Maybe you'll snap them.

01:01:56.000 I'll tell you what, my friend's son, the kid was a ne'er-do-well.

01:01:59.000 He started going to jail, and he got out of jail, and he realized, I don't want to go to jail anymore.

01:02:03.000 No, that's not a reason to search every American.

01:02:06.000 He got back on the fucking right track.

01:02:08.000 No, no, no.

01:02:09.000 I'm sorry, Cops and Jerry Everman.

01:02:11.000 You're not giving me good reasons.

01:02:12.000 I punched him in the stomach, and I brought him to the Lord.

01:02:15.000 Did you know that?

01:02:16.000 Have you seen that video?

01:02:17.000 No.

01:02:18.000 You want to see something hilarious?

01:02:19.000 Yeah, sure.

01:02:20.000 Pull that video.

01:02:20.000 You want to see something great?

01:02:21.000 Pull that video.

01:02:22.000 And then get ready, Bonnie, uh, wait, Princess Bunny.

01:02:27.000 Princess Bunny?

01:02:27.000 Do you remember Princess Bunny?

01:02:29.000 What are you talking about?

01:02:30.000 You're about to see something that's going to disturb you.

01:02:32.000 You're about to see, before that, you're about to see a guy punch a guy in the stomach.

01:02:35.000 I want to see that.

01:02:36.000 Yeah, um, he says, uh, pastor...

01:02:39.000 I was on my...

01:02:41.000 Yeah, pastor punches kid in the chest.

01:02:43.000 Look, as soon as he starts writing pastor, that's what shows up.

01:02:46.000 It's one of the first, uh, that's it right there.

01:02:49.000 This is so ridiculous.

01:02:50.000 There was a young man in Calvary.

01:02:52.000 His name was Ben.

01:02:54.000 I mean, this is really ridiculous.

01:02:55.000 I was running a youth group.

01:02:56.000 I was there for a few years.

01:02:58.000 He was just, he was a nice kid, but he was one of those kids that was always just, he's a real smart aleck.

01:03:04.000 Was a bright kid, which didn't help things, right?

01:03:07.000 Made him more dangerous.

01:03:09.000 Made him more dangerous.

01:03:22.000 Damn!

01:03:22.000 I punched him in the chest as hard as I crumpled the kid.

01:03:26.000 Why'd you punch him in the chest?

01:03:26.000 I just crumpled him.

01:03:28.000 And I said, I leaned over and I said, Ben, when are you going to stop playing games with God?

01:03:35.000 I led that man to the Lord right there.

01:03:38.000 There's times that that might be needed.

01:03:41.000 What?

01:03:42.000 Ew.

01:03:44.000 What?

01:03:44.000 He didn't give a good example at all.

01:03:47.000 There's times that that might be needed.

01:03:49.000 What are you talking about?

01:03:50.000 The guy was just being a smart aleck?

01:03:52.000 Right.

01:03:53.000 He just punched a kid.

01:03:54.000 He was smart, but that's bad.

01:03:58.000 He was saying he was smart, and that was part of the problem.

01:04:02.000 Too much ammunition.

01:04:03.000 What a chump that guy is.

01:04:06.000 I love the word chump.

01:04:08.000 Wow.

01:04:09.000 Just a straight jerk.

01:04:10.000 Oh, my God.

01:04:11.000 Punched him as hard as he could in the chest.

01:04:13.000 You punched a little boy at youth camp?

01:04:15.000 And I said, Ben...

01:04:16.000 And crumpled him?

01:04:16.000 Oh, really?

01:04:17.000 When are you going to take the Lord serious?

01:04:22.000 Why was he making jokes?

01:04:22.000 That's ridiculous.

01:04:25.000 Ari, he wasn't taking the Lord seriously.

01:04:27.000 He's being smart, Alec.

01:04:30.000 I punched him.

01:04:31.000 That's a grown adult.

01:04:32.000 That's a grown man who's teaching people, who's leading people.

01:04:35.000 Yeah, he's got a microphone on.

01:04:37.000 Fucking Christianity should be illegal.

01:04:38.000 It all should be illegal.

01:04:40.000 Anybody telling you they know the answer should be arrested.

01:04:43.000 When you know they're not.

01:04:44.000 That's false advertising.

01:04:45.000 They should all be arrested, man.

01:04:47.000 You can't put on food, even this crooked FDA, you can't put on food tons of nutrients without any proof of nutrients.

01:04:55.000 You can't do that.

01:04:56.000 That's so true.

01:04:58.000 That's so true.

01:04:59.000 You can't just say, oh no, I know the answer.

01:05:01.000 It's like, could you show us that you do it all?

01:05:03.000 Are you just making it up and taking people's money?

01:05:04.000 Sir, would you like to show me your proof of this Adam and Eve concept you've been throwing in front of this congregation?

01:05:11.000 What do you have written down?

01:05:13.000 Do you have any studies?

01:05:15.000 Anything with some veracity?

01:05:20.000 Yeah, when you look about it, when you take a step back and look at any level of religion, you're like, oh, this might be garbage.

01:05:25.000 Or this is garbage.

01:05:26.000 This is garbage.

01:05:27.000 Yeah, this is garbage.

01:05:28.000 This is a bunch of people that were trying to figure out what the fuck the stars were.

01:05:31.000 Noah's Ark bit was great.

01:05:35.000 I have a joke about the Ten Commandments in my new special, Paid Regular.

01:05:39.000 Out this Friday night.

01:05:40.000 Set your DVRs.

01:05:41.000 It is funny.

01:05:44.000 You'll like it too.

01:05:46.000 DVRs coming from Central Midnight.

01:05:48.000 Ari Shaffir.

01:05:50.000 He's got a new special.

01:05:52.000 He's got a few songs in there.

01:05:54.000 And it's funny.

01:05:54.000 I like it.

01:05:55.000 Ari Hasford.

01:05:57.000 And it's funny.

01:05:59.000 This Friday night.

01:06:00.000 Is it censored or uncensored?

01:06:02.000 Censored online.

01:06:03.000 I mean on TV. Uncensored online.

01:06:04.000 Yeah.

01:06:05.000 So, if you have it on television, it comes on after midnight, they can do whatever they want.

01:06:11.000 Right?

01:06:11.000 They can have it.

01:06:12.000 Yeah, there's stuff I'm able to get where they were like, well, we don't know about that.

01:06:14.000 I was like, are you serious?

01:06:15.000 And they're like, oh, actually, it's after midnight.

01:06:16.000 We'll just fucking, it's fine.

01:06:18.000 After midnight is the right spot.

01:06:19.000 Yeah.

01:06:20.000 Except you want more people to see it.

01:06:20.000 I guess so.

01:06:21.000 But more people can at Ari Shaffir.

01:06:26.000 My comedy special aired again last Friday night.

01:06:29.000 Did it really?

01:06:29.000 Yes.

01:06:30.000 So you got a bunch of feedback?

01:06:30.000 That's great.

01:06:32.000 I wish I had more of a heads up so I could have promoted it.

01:06:35.000 But yeah, the feedback has all been good, man.

01:06:38.000 The ratio to people that didn't like it versus liked it was way higher than my last one.

01:06:44.000 So that means I'm on the right track.

01:06:48.000 I think that right now, it's such an exciting time for stand-up, and I'm so excited about doing new shit.

01:06:54.000 I don't think in all the years I've been doing comedy, I've had more fun doing it.

01:06:58.000 Doing new stuff.

01:06:59.000 Fuck, I'm loving it.

01:07:00.000 But it's not like you're not trying to do well.

01:07:03.000 You're trying to kill it, but just with newer...

01:07:05.000 It's like taking a smaller bat and still trying to hit a home run.

01:07:08.000 Well, you gotta throw water on that, bitch.

01:07:11.000 You gotta keep using fertilizer.

01:07:13.000 Start a mulch pit, son.

01:07:15.000 Get your fucking compost game.

01:07:18.000 Get your compost game up, kid.

01:07:22.000 It's an amazing time, man.

01:07:25.000 I'm having so much fucking fun.

01:07:26.000 Especially that show in Vegas.

01:07:28.000 God damn, that was fun.

01:07:29.000 That was cool.

01:07:30.000 The Phoenix show was really cool.

01:07:31.000 That was fun, too.

01:07:33.000 Terry Fader Theater is really good for it.

01:07:35.000 And they got that fucking...

01:07:41.000 When I tell you the word I was looking for, when I tell you the word I was looking for, clock.

01:07:46.000 The sword.

01:07:48.000 My brain wouldn't have...

01:07:48.000 I couldn't find it.

01:07:49.000 I gotta stop smoking weed and start reading.

01:07:52.000 Don't do it.

01:07:53.000 The combo.

01:07:53.000 One or the other.

01:07:54.000 I gotta do one or the other.

01:07:55.000 I can't let this keep going downhill like it is.

01:07:57.000 I can't remember my clock!

01:07:59.000 You gotta start working out, son.

01:08:01.000 This clock's all over!

01:08:02.000 Dude, what you need?

01:08:02.000 I gotta get you working out.

01:08:03.000 I can't remember what the word is.

01:08:03.000 There's one right here.

01:08:05.000 I gotta get you on it.

01:08:06.000 I need lumosity.

01:08:07.000 I need you to do some kettlebells.

01:08:09.000 Yeah.

01:08:09.000 When's the last time you took a break from smoking?

01:08:13.000 What?

01:08:13.000 In London for fucking three days.

01:08:18.000 Allegedly.

01:08:18.000 Three days in London.

01:08:19.000 That was it.

01:08:20.000 And then right back to it.

01:08:21.000 Did you not know anybody there or something?

01:08:23.000 I was working.

01:08:24.000 I had to do this thing where I was working so I was like quickly like doing...

01:08:27.000 I didn't have time to like go out and try to find weed.

01:08:29.000 And then I just didn't find it.

01:08:30.000 Too much danger in another land.

01:08:33.000 Yeah.

01:08:34.000 I got scared.

01:08:35.000 I didn't take anything with me.

01:08:36.000 Good.

01:08:37.000 That's smart.

01:08:38.000 Overseas, I'm always like, oh, how'd you know?

01:08:40.000 How'd you know?

01:08:41.000 Yeah.

01:08:43.000 Yeah.

01:08:43.000 Overseas is too much danger to take it with me.

01:08:46.000 But...

01:08:48.000 Yeah, I just didn't find that name.

01:08:49.000 It's like what you said, Celebrity Rehab.

01:08:51.000 It's the easiest fucking thing to come off.

01:08:53.000 If you don't have any, you're like, oh well.

01:08:54.000 I sure would want some, but I've been working, so I don't have time to do it.

01:08:58.000 Well, if you watch Celebrity Rehab, you see Eric Roberts on it.

01:09:01.000 That's it, Eric Roberts.

01:09:04.000 Eric Roberts.

01:09:05.000 You said everyone's having the shakes.

01:09:07.000 Everyone's coming off coke and meth.

01:09:10.000 Eric Roberts is drinking coffee reading the New York Times.

01:09:14.000 Coming down off weed.

01:09:16.000 He had his fucking feet in slippers.

01:09:18.000 He was in a reading robe.

01:09:20.000 Everybody else had fucking crusty mascara all over their face and tears and fucking sadness.

01:09:26.000 Band-Aids over their major arteries.

01:09:30.000 And Dr. fucking Drew still won't say it's different than those other things.

01:09:34.000 Come on, Drew.

01:09:36.000 But you do know people that can't stop.

01:09:40.000 Yeah, I know.

01:09:40.000 Yeah, but I know people who can't stop doing a lot of shit.

01:09:43.000 I know people who can't stop jerking off.

01:09:45.000 Yeah, I know people who can't stop gambling.

01:09:48.000 Right.

01:09:49.000 Yeah.

01:09:50.000 Wow, with the 3D glasses, the fire looks really kind of weird.

01:09:52.000 It looks magical.

01:09:54.000 I wonder if, like, if we keep this arm this long, when we take him off, it's going to fuck our regular.

01:09:58.000 It probably is already fucked.

01:09:59.000 When I go over the blue, it just goes off.

01:10:01.000 When I go over to my left side, the flame just goes off.

01:10:04.000 Gaze.

01:10:06.000 Gaze into the burning magic.

01:10:08.000 Joe, do you want to see this pool table projection?

01:10:11.000 No, I don't want to see that shit.

01:10:13.000 It's cool, man.

01:10:14.000 That's cheating.

01:10:15.000 I've never seen Joe react so horribly to any piece of technology.

01:10:18.000 No, you can't add new layers to games.

01:10:21.000 No, it doesn't.

01:10:24.000 A real pool table is played with fucking traditional lights and regular balls to keep everything clear.

01:10:33.000 This is Ames, mister.

01:10:35.000 No bar, no pinball machine, no bowling alley.

01:10:39.000 You can see the bottom.

01:10:41.000 Still felt, but see-through felt.

01:10:42.000 Oh, no fucking way.

01:10:43.000 And a fucking place in there the whole time.

01:10:46.000 Maybe you can play TV so you can watch the big game while you're lining up.

01:10:46.000 Yes!

01:10:49.000 If you hate money, go ahead.

01:10:52.000 If you want to win, you can't play like that.

01:10:54.000 A pool table is supposed to be a green landscape of opportunity, of collisions, of maneuvering, of English and spin and reaction to chalk and balls colliding and slide and follow and draw.

01:11:09.000 That's what it's supposed to be.

01:11:11.000 Not pussy and glass.

01:11:12.000 Not supposed to be looking down at a fucking glass table.

01:11:14.000 That's horse shit.

01:11:17.000 No!

01:11:18.000 No!

01:11:18.000 It's not what it's about.

01:11:18.000 No!

01:11:20.000 Make your own new game.

01:11:22.000 Okay?

01:11:22.000 How about you just...

01:11:23.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:11:24.000 ...be on a table.

01:11:26.000 Do you guys remember Chess 2?

01:11:27.000 They had Chess 2. Instead of having straight up and down, they would have the go like this, like lines.

01:11:32.000 Really?

01:11:32.000 So you couldn't really see where another opponent was.

01:11:35.000 You couldn't really visualize it.

01:11:35.000 Really?

01:11:37.000 So, like, you'd have the corner ones.

01:11:37.000 Yeah.

01:11:39.000 What'd you go diagonal?

01:11:40.000 Battle chess?

01:11:41.000 Oh, uh, rooks?

01:11:43.000 Maybe.

01:11:44.000 Bishops, yes.

01:11:44.000 Bishops.

01:11:45.000 And they'd be, like, almost right above you.

01:11:47.000 So, like, well, they can't get me.

01:11:48.000 But then you look at the way it's, like, curved.

01:11:50.000 And you're like, oh, it's right in a diagonal line.

01:11:51.000 The rook is the castle, right?

01:11:53.000 Rook is the horse, yeah.

01:11:54.000 No.

01:11:55.000 No, the castle is the rook, you're right.

01:11:56.000 Yeah, the knight.

01:11:57.000 What is it?

01:11:58.000 Knight is the horse.

01:11:59.000 Knight is the horse.

01:12:00.000 Wow.

01:12:00.000 For a game for intelligent people.

01:12:03.000 We couldn't even remember the pieces.

01:12:05.000 When was the last time you ever even tried to play a game of chess?

01:12:07.000 It's been a while.

01:12:07.000 I fucked around with it on my phone like maybe a decade ago.

01:12:11.000 That was it?

01:12:12.000 Do you guys like Chinese checkers?

01:12:14.000 I was always a Chinese checkers guy.

01:12:16.000 Chinese checkers?

01:12:16.000 No.

01:12:17.000 That was always my favorite.

01:12:18.000 You could play up to like, I think, five people or something.

01:12:20.000 Oh, yeah.

01:12:22.000 All sides.

01:12:23.000 Like a Jewish star.

01:12:24.000 In Washington Square Park.

01:12:25.000 You ever go there and watch those chess players?

01:12:27.000 Man, that's fun to watch.

01:12:28.000 The timing chess where they hit the clock and they slap the clock.

01:12:31.000 They only get so much time.

01:12:32.000 That's amazing stuff.

01:12:33.000 Because they're really thinking, like, about this grand plan on this board and where all these pieces have opportunities.

01:12:40.000 Yeah, they're sitting all at once.

01:12:42.000 And trying to be sneaky and creative and they're doing it on a clock.

01:12:44.000 God, I'm dumb.

01:12:45.000 I feel so stupid.

01:12:47.000 And they're like homeless people too that are playing there.

01:12:49.000 It's not like winners.

01:12:51.000 The thing about pool and the thing about chess and the thing about there's a lot of these games that are so engrossing.

01:12:57.000 You get so sucked into them that it takes over all your other ideas.

01:13:04.000 There's a lot of bachelors that just wind up being some bachelor in some shitty apartment and you just give up on having a girlfriend and you just gamble all the time.

01:13:14.000 And you get sucked into that lifestyle.

01:13:16.000 And you see that a lot of times with, like, pool.

01:13:19.000 With pool, you see that a lot.

01:13:21.000 So the pool hall groupie, like, describe her.

01:13:24.000 Would she get, like, passed around?

01:13:25.000 There's a groupie in every, if you can think of anything.

01:13:29.000 If you can think of, like, miniature golf, there's probably miniature golf.

01:13:32.000 Once Tommy DeLutz showed me who the bowling groupies was, right after I was saying the UFC groupies, that's when I realized everybody's got a groupie.

01:13:38.000 There are definitely pool hall groupies.

01:13:40.000 What's interesting, they will go for the best players.

01:13:44.000 They always want to date the best players.

01:13:45.000 It's not about looks or young.

01:13:47.000 No, no.

01:13:47.000 There's like dudes who aren't that good looking, but they're really good players and they'll get like pretty good looking pool groupies because the pool player girl like really wants to be associated with like a world class player.

01:13:59.000 Oh, yeah.

01:14:00.000 Are they pool players too?

01:14:03.000 Sometimes, yeah, most of the time.

01:14:05.000 Most of the time, yes.

01:14:06.000 Usually they smoke Marlboro.

01:14:08.000 The ones who are, like, pool players as well, then they really appreciate how good a guy is.

01:14:14.000 Oh, yeah.

01:14:15.000 Yeah, so there's like...

01:14:16.000 But I think that's the way with everything.

01:14:18.000 Cello players and fucking...

01:14:20.000 You know what I mean?

01:14:20.000 And male to female as well.

01:14:22.000 I think there's men that are just obsessed with the way a woman sings.

01:14:24.000 They become, you know...

01:14:26.000 Fan of that.

01:14:27.000 There's no getting around it, you know?

01:14:29.000 Yeah.

01:14:30.000 We're impressed by shit.

01:14:32.000 You just stay in that world, and that's all I care about.

01:14:32.000 Yeah.

01:14:35.000 Of course that's who you want to fuck.

01:14:36.000 If a guy's a badass pool player, and that's all you care about is pool, that guy's doing magic up there.

01:14:40.000 Someone's talking about David Letterman.

01:14:41.000 It's like, well, the problem is he uses power to get laid.

01:14:44.000 You're like, oh, you mean you can't build up a bunch of power and then use it?

01:14:47.000 What do you mean?

01:14:48.000 It's half the reason to build power to become the president so girls would want to fuck you.

01:14:52.000 You're not like saying, I won't give you this promotion without you fucking.

01:14:57.000 It's just saying, they just come in wanting to fuck because I'm President Bill Clinton.

01:15:01.000 And I'm supposed to suddenly go, no, that's wrong for me to accept.

01:15:05.000 And you're also supposed to deny a Fucking million generations of conquerors in their whoremongering ways, and you've usurped them to become the fucking king of the world.

01:15:17.000 I mean, the president of the United States is the king of the world, right?

01:15:20.000 No, I'm too good.

01:15:21.000 I don't get laid because of the system of Catholicism that started in our country fucking 200 years ago.

01:15:26.000 He's a noble man.

01:15:29.000 Nobody's that noble.

01:15:30.000 Even the fucking good one on Game of Thrones.

01:15:33.000 No.

01:15:34.000 Well, the Game of Thrones is like really...

01:15:35.000 Even the good guy.

01:15:36.000 He fucking cheated on his wife.

01:15:38.000 That's why he has that bastard son that they sent to the fucking castle.

01:15:42.000 Because he cheated on his wife.

01:15:43.000 That's right.

01:15:44.000 That's the best man that's ever been in that fucking world.

01:15:47.000 That's true.

01:15:49.000 Spoiler alert.

01:15:49.000 Let's not say anymore.

01:15:50.000 Cheating on the red.

01:15:52.000 Stop it right there.

01:15:53.000 Do you know this is episode 600?

01:15:55.000 Yes.

01:15:55.000 That's crazy.

01:15:56.000 This is episode 600. I just did episode 200 this week on Skeptic Tank.

01:15:59.000 Oh my.

01:16:00.000 My goodness, that's the same thing.

01:16:08.000 800 episodes between us.

01:16:10.000 Wow.

01:16:12.000 That's a lot of fucking talking.

01:16:14.000 Yeah.

01:16:15.000 Shocking amount.

01:16:16.000 Jesus.

01:16:18.000 Damn.

01:16:18.000 Have you done anything interesting on your podcast lately?

01:16:21.000 My favorite one was the one where you had a talk with a hooker back in the day.

01:16:26.000 Yeah, I've had a few good ones like that.

01:16:27.000 I had this guy who helps work at the Insight at that Vancouver place with a safe shoot-up place.

01:16:33.000 Safe shoot-up place?

01:16:34.000 Yeah, you know, Hastings Street's all fucking zombies and fucking heroin addicts.

01:16:37.000 And so they offer this safe shoot-up place where you can tell them what you're going to shoot up on.

01:16:41.000 And if something goes wrong, they can tell the paramedics how to revive you.

01:16:45.000 So it's just not as dangerous.

01:16:47.000 The cops don't bug it.

01:16:50.000 Wow.

01:16:51.000 Yeah, so they told me all about that.

01:16:52.000 What it's like, if there's fucking going on.

01:16:55.000 Just regular questions.

01:16:57.000 Turns out there's no fucking going on.

01:16:58.000 Because when you want heroin, sex drive goes way down.

01:17:02.000 That was a good one.

01:17:02.000 Yeah.

01:17:04.000 And then this week's about the open mic at the Comedy Store.

01:17:04.000 Wow.

01:17:06.000 That was a really good one.

01:17:08.000 Yeah, about potluck.

01:17:08.000 The open mic?

01:17:10.000 Did you talk about how it pretty much got it chopped in half and how it's not as...

01:17:10.000 Wow.

01:17:15.000 No, this was about the heyday when it was the freak show.

01:17:17.000 When you hosted it.

01:17:18.000 When it was just a freak show.

01:17:20.000 I'm giving up on these glasses.

01:17:21.000 Yeah.

01:17:22.000 I'm having a fucking aneurysm.

01:17:24.000 Wait.

01:17:25.000 Let's do them backwards for...

01:17:25.000 What?

01:17:27.000 Oh, to see what the alters are.

01:17:30.000 Oh, things are a different color a little bit.

01:17:32.000 Yeah, wow.

01:17:34.000 Wow, it's so much better.

01:17:36.000 Oh, it is better.

01:17:37.000 Yeah, definitely don't wear this for an hour or more.

01:17:39.000 Just kind of look at the shirt in them.

01:17:40.000 We did, like, almost two hours with those stupid fucking things on.

01:17:43.000 Just kind of look at the shirt, say, wow, cool, and then take them off.

01:17:47.000 So when I hosted it, it was like...

01:17:50.000 Yeah, I mean, you hosted the employees and the showcases, but before that part is the potluck part, where it's the fucking 20 pure open micers, which could be guys like me when I started, or could be fucking guys like Boon Shakalaka.

01:18:01.000 When did I host it?

01:18:02.000 Just that one time.

01:18:03.000 I host regular open mic night.

01:18:05.000 I hosted people going on for the very first time ever.

01:18:08.000 That's what Bob Oshack did for years.

01:18:08.000 Yeah, uh-huh.

01:18:10.000 That's what I did for years.

01:18:11.000 Bob Oshack is a funny fucking dude.

01:18:14.000 I was always amazed that Bob Oshack didn't become like some sort of a...

01:18:18.000 He became one of the head writers at Ferguson.

01:18:22.000 But I would have thought that he would be like...

01:18:24.000 A host.

01:18:25.000 Like a famous guy.

01:18:25.000 A letterman.

01:18:26.000 Yeah.

01:18:27.000 Like he's really funny and really nice.

01:18:30.000 Oh, super nice.

01:18:30.000 I think...

01:18:31.000 Really good.

01:18:31.000 Good human.

01:18:32.000 Only fucked his wife ever.

01:18:33.000 One of those guys.

01:18:34.000 Like, you know, polo shirt.

01:18:37.000 He's funny as shit too, man.

01:18:38.000 But I think he really loves being in a fucking writer's room and just churning out jokes.

01:18:42.000 I think he loves doing that.

01:18:44.000 Give me the topic.

01:18:45.000 I'll hit you with fucking eight hours worth right now.

01:18:49.000 I've always thought that guy was going to be some big household name.

01:18:52.000 I remember watching him.

01:18:53.000 I'm like, he's so composed.

01:18:55.000 He would have his bits.

01:18:56.000 He's like the opposite extreme of people who write on stage.

01:18:59.000 He was like 98% done with his bits when he brought them up for the first time.

01:19:02.000 Isn't that wild?

01:19:03.000 Yeah.

01:19:04.000 He was the open mic host.

01:19:05.000 He was the potluck host when I started.

01:19:06.000 So he was like the first professional comedian I saw over and over again.

01:19:11.000 Powerful Bob Oshack.

01:19:13.000 Powerful Bob Oshack.

01:19:13.000 He's out there, representing middle America.

01:19:16.000 Where's he from?

01:19:16.000 He's still in LA. Some weird cornfin.

01:19:19.000 Tennessee or Alabama.

01:19:20.000 One of those weird spots.

01:19:21.000 Oh, yeah.

01:19:22.000 Oh, yeah.

01:19:23.000 He wears it.

01:19:24.000 He wears it for sure.

01:19:25.000 He wears it like a shield, like one of those motorcycle jackets with pads all over the elbows.

01:19:30.000 It's one of his best jokes.

01:19:32.000 He's talking about, like, it's okay to look.

01:19:34.000 That's all right, but as long as you don't hop on her.

01:19:37.000 She's the last chopper out of Nam.

01:19:39.000 Ha, ha, ha.

01:19:42.000 He has such good, like, lines.

01:19:44.000 Ah, he's a good writer, man.

01:19:45.000 Yeah.

01:19:45.000 Funny dude.

01:19:46.000 And just a good dude.

01:19:48.000 He comes around once in a while.

01:19:49.000 He's cool.

01:19:50.000 Does he still do stand-up?

01:19:51.000 Yeah.

01:19:52.000 Yeah.

01:19:52.000 A little bit.

01:19:53.000 But Tommy kind of was like, mm, kind of pushed him to the side, so I think now he's back a little bit more.

01:19:57.000 That's really unfortunate.

01:19:58.000 Yeah.

01:19:59.000 That guy should get spots.

01:20:01.000 But that's, uh, you know, when you're primarily focused on one club and you have a Bad relationship.

01:20:08.000 With that one club.

01:20:10.000 Yeah.

01:20:10.000 But it was like that with Mitzi too.

01:20:11.000 Mitzi would give them like one spot a week.

01:20:13.000 It went out a month and it's like, why?

01:20:15.000 She just like didn't want any more.

01:20:17.000 I don't know.

01:20:17.000 But it's the same thing though.

01:20:18.000 It's one club.

01:20:19.000 You're talking about one guy letting you say yes or no.

01:20:22.000 Isn't there something when you see certain guys where you go, okay, I think if you don't really pay attention to this guy, you might see it one way.

01:20:29.000 But if you follow him long enough, you realize there's like all these layers underneath there.

01:20:35.000 Oh, right.

01:20:35.000 That you weren't even seeing.

01:20:36.000 Yeah, like you're looking at him, you might judge him.

01:20:38.000 Oh, look at this guy.

01:20:39.000 He's wearing a tie.

01:20:40.000 He's on stage.

01:20:41.000 His glasses on.

01:20:42.000 He's trying to be cutesy.

01:20:44.000 He's trying to be proper.

01:20:45.000 But then, like, you watch him a few times.

01:20:47.000 You go, oh, this guy's, like, really funny.

01:20:50.000 Yeah, he's just making a presentation.

01:20:51.000 Okay.

01:20:52.000 That's what Tom Papa is.

01:20:53.000 You're like, why are you wearing a suit, man?

01:20:54.000 And then you're like, oh, you're not a suit comic.

01:20:57.000 You're just wearing a suit.

01:20:58.000 Yeah, and it's like we're being prejudiced.

01:21:01.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:21:02.000 We love it because he wants to look good.

01:21:03.000 We're like, fuck you.

01:21:05.000 Yeah.

01:21:06.000 Whereas, like, if you, like, went on TV on some television show, like, The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, you had a hoodie on?

01:21:13.000 They'd be like, who the fuck do you get to fucking wear something nice?

01:21:13.000 Like, get the fuck out of here.

01:21:16.000 Yeah, you piece of shit.

01:21:17.000 You're not happy to be in front of us like it's your birthday?

01:21:19.000 There was some old jazz singer who got, like, one of those trombones, one of the greats, like, Dizzy Gillespie types, and he was like, the one thing I was told was, I know I was living out of my car, but they're like, find yourself a good suit.

01:21:28.000 When you're on stage, you gotta present.

01:21:30.000 You gotta present.

01:21:31.000 Well, most important, when you don't have money, that's why those nouveau riche nirvana type motherfuckers had millions of dollars and they're wearing tattered up Converse All-Stars.

01:21:40.000 Cardigans with one button missing.

01:21:41.000 Yeah, that was almost like a badge of courage that they kept their wardrobe as real as possible.

01:21:48.000 Yeah.

01:21:48.000 You know?

01:21:49.000 Again, if you could do that at the MTV Video Music Awards or...

01:21:53.000 You can do whatever the fuck you want when you're in nirvana.

01:21:56.000 You don't have to wear suits.

01:21:57.000 Nobody ever expected Kurt Cobain to wear a suit.

01:22:01.000 If Kurt Cobain went on stage with a suit on, that would be him fucking with you.

01:22:05.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:22:06.000 What are you trying to say here?

01:22:07.000 Yeah, but if you saw him the first time that night, you'd be like, I don't get it.

01:22:10.000 Why is he wearing a suit?

01:22:11.000 Because that's Kurt Cobain wearing the suit.

01:22:14.000 Yeah, you're right.

01:22:15.000 Sometimes people just don't see it right away.

01:22:17.000 Or comics sometimes choke under showcase situations.

01:22:20.000 That's definitely true.

01:22:22.000 I've done it.

01:22:23.000 Yeah, me too.

01:22:23.000 I've done it on auditions.

01:22:25.000 I've done it on important sets.

01:22:27.000 Even your average is better than that.

01:22:29.000 It's hard.

01:22:30.000 Damn, I did like 20th percentile instead of...

01:22:33.000 Yeah, you could, I mean, up till, you know, the time you record a special, like when you're trying to develop new material, there's always the possibility that it could go wrong.

01:22:43.000 Yeah.

01:22:43.000 There's always that possibility.

01:22:45.000 I saw Dave Smith, this comic in New York.

01:22:48.000 He's actually a really good political comic, but he's new, and he went up to the cellar, and he just fucking choked.

01:22:54.000 And then he had to wait around for her to come tell him no.

01:22:57.000 That's great.

01:22:59.000 You're like, but maybe, because you always hold off in the back of your head, but maybe, maybe she'll be like, well, that was good.

01:23:04.000 You didn't have a good set, but I like it.

01:23:06.000 Nobody just goes, yeah, obviously, I didn't do it right.

01:23:10.000 That's hilarious.

01:23:11.000 I was there so many times.

01:23:12.000 I felt so bad for her.

01:23:13.000 I was like, I've been there.

01:23:14.000 Waiting.

01:23:16.000 Maybe she'll just...

01:23:18.000 No!

01:23:19.000 They won't.

01:23:20.000 There's nothing crazier than watching someone perform in front of Mitzi and hear a girl, He's terrible!

01:23:26.000 Get him off the stage!

01:23:30.000 Gosh!

01:23:31.000 Brutal!

01:23:32.000 No.

01:23:33.000 Pass.

01:23:34.000 It's my dream.

01:23:35.000 Pass.

01:23:36.000 Give the backhand wave away.

01:23:39.000 Do you have dealings with her at all?

01:23:41.000 Yeah, a lot.

01:23:43.000 Yeah, in the 90s, she was lucid.

01:23:45.000 Yeah.

01:23:46.000 When I first met her, I had many conversations with her about comedy and what I was doing wrong.

01:23:52.000 She was going to point that out.

01:23:55.000 She goes, you don't do new stuff in the beginning.

01:23:57.000 Yeah.

01:23:58.000 Bury it in the meadow.

01:23:59.000 Yep.

01:24:00.000 No, she was right about that.

01:24:01.000 She was always really smart about challenging you.

01:24:04.000 She would give you these sets.

01:24:06.000 Yeah.

01:24:06.000 Where you would go on after whoever she thought was going to do the best.

01:24:11.000 She would shove you right afterwards to teach you.

01:24:14.000 This is what it feels like to be nobody.

01:24:16.000 Oh, you think you're good?

01:24:18.000 Then go after this guy.

01:24:19.000 You should be able to.

01:24:19.000 Go on after Martin Lawrence in 1995. In his prime.

01:24:22.000 Good fucking luck, soldier.

01:24:25.000 God, that would have been such a hard spot.

01:24:27.000 I took those spots.

01:24:29.000 God, after Martin Lawrence.

01:24:30.000 I had many of those spots in the main room bombing.

01:24:32.000 He was a killer, too.

01:24:34.000 He wasn't just famous.

01:24:35.000 He was a killer.

01:24:36.000 Plates of dry bum shit.

01:24:40.000 Waiting for the light to come on.

01:24:42.000 Please.

01:24:43.000 Dude, I bombed going on after that guy.

01:24:47.000 Here's when you know you're bombing in that room because it's so quiet.

01:24:49.000 When the neon light goes on, you hear...

01:24:52.000 And you're like, I don't even have to look over.

01:24:54.000 I know I'm done.

01:24:55.000 You feel like you can.

01:24:57.000 It warmed your skin.

01:24:59.000 You feel the temperature change in your forehead.

01:25:01.000 God.

01:25:04.000 That's what Sanchez said, because she made him follow dice every night.

01:25:06.000 He said he tried to be extra dirty, and that didn't work, and then he tried to be extra clean, that didn't work, and then he was like, well, let me just do what I do, I guess.

01:25:13.000 And that was what worked.

01:25:15.000 Just trying to be funny.

01:25:16.000 You just have to accept your fate.

01:25:18.000 Yeah, some of that too.

01:25:19.000 At the very least, you've got to prepare to dig your way out of the ditch that's in front of you.

01:25:24.000 Just keep hammering away at it.

01:25:26.000 Don't lose your composure.

01:25:28.000 And don't try to...

01:25:29.000 You've just got to submit to the fact that you'll never be better than Martin Lawrence in 1999. Right.

01:25:34.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:25:35.000 We're there.

01:25:36.000 We're good, right?

01:25:36.000 So now can we do okay?

01:25:37.000 Relax.

01:25:38.000 You're not going to kill.

01:25:39.000 Big Jay sees those as good opportunities because the crowd's in an awesome mood.

01:25:42.000 Yeah, that's true.

01:25:44.000 And then some of it's being a comic and having to be like, it's not just my material.

01:25:47.000 I got to fucking move and shift with the fucking new room.

01:25:50.000 Well, it's also Big J in 2015 is way better than I was.

01:25:54.000 Right, right, right.

01:25:55.000 In 1995. I saw Simone go up to Louis.

01:25:58.000 And he did this whole thing where he's like, you got, because it was just like, you know, those are big moments for a comedy crowd.

01:26:03.000 Right.

01:26:04.000 And he's like, you guys just got Louis C.K. You did it.

01:26:06.000 That wasn't that fun.

01:26:08.000 You couldn't even come in here thinking you were going to see him fucking 11.45 a night.

01:26:11.000 You saw that.

01:26:12.000 Everyone's like, yeah.

01:26:13.000 Now he's pulled him into his own wavelength.

01:26:15.000 Hmm.

01:26:15.000 With like 40 seconds of that.

01:26:17.000 And then he mouthfucks them all.

01:26:18.000 And then he mouthfucks all of them.

01:26:19.000 He grabs them by the ears and just roars.

01:26:21.000 Now you're going to listen to my stories of childhood!

01:26:24.000 And you're going to like me!

01:26:26.000 And he fucking killed.

01:26:27.000 But it's that technique of being able to like, let me pull them in here.

01:26:30.000 Like, being a legit comic.

01:26:32.000 Steve Simone is easily in the top 100 nicest people ever to enter show business.

01:26:36.000 Easily.

01:26:37.000 Of every people that have ever lived, he's easily in the top 100 nicest.

01:26:41.000 Oh, yeah.

01:26:41.000 That guy's so nice.

01:26:42.000 So nice.

01:26:43.000 He's such a friendly guy.

01:26:44.000 Like, who the fuck doesn't like Steve Simone?

01:26:47.000 You're like, if you tell me you don't, I've never really experienced it.

01:26:49.000 I've never experienced it either.

01:26:50.000 If you tell me you don't, though, then it's like, something's wrong with you.

01:26:53.000 Carmichael.

01:26:54.000 Gerard Carmichael said that about Steve Simone.

01:26:56.000 No, Gerard's the second nicest guy.

01:26:56.000 Shut up.

01:26:58.000 He's pretty goddamn nice.

01:27:00.000 He's gonna start a war between those two really nice guys.

01:27:04.000 Hey, Simone, I heard Gerard's talking shit about you.

01:27:06.000 Let's bring in the Pope.

01:27:08.000 This new Pope, yeah, you might think he's pretty cool, but here's what he said about Gerard Carmichael.

01:27:14.000 His hugs are fake.

01:27:16.000 That motherfucker, he's got...

01:27:17.000 He doesn't have strength behind them.

01:27:19.000 Sits in that regular chair, and as soon as the cameras goes off, bring me my throne!

01:27:25.000 He's my example, Simone, of a nice way to be.

01:27:28.000 He'll go out of your way to lock your door when he gets out of your car.

01:27:31.000 Well, he's one of those guys, you see him, you always want to hug him.

01:27:34.000 He's just a genuine sweetheart.

01:27:36.000 He has a podcast called Good Times with Steve Simone.

01:27:39.000 And a special CD just came out.

01:27:43.000 Oh, shit.

01:27:44.000 Remember this.

01:27:46.000 Funny guy.

01:27:47.000 Yeah.

01:27:48.000 And the guy, also homegrown.

01:27:49.000 Homegrown, comedy store veteran.

01:27:51.000 Yeah.

01:27:51.000 That's, yeah.

01:27:52.000 Steve Simone started there.

01:27:54.000 Started there.

01:27:54.000 He might have done a few sets outside of that before.

01:27:55.000 I think he did a few in Philly and then came, but like only a few.

01:27:58.000 Yeah, not much.

01:27:59.000 He grew up in front of us.

01:28:00.000 Yeah.

01:28:01.000 He was the manager.

01:28:01.000 He worked there a bunch, too.

01:28:03.000 Worked there.

01:28:04.000 Yeah.

01:28:05.000 Always a good dude.

01:28:05.000 Bump it up, vomit.

01:28:07.000 Always a good dude, no matter what was going on.

01:28:09.000 He was suicidally depressed.

01:28:11.000 He was just nice to everyone.

01:28:13.000 Well, you know, when things weren't going as well as they are right now, now he's doing great.

01:28:17.000 Steve Simone is starting to build momentum.

01:28:19.000 I hear a lot of people talk about him.

01:28:21.000 I hear tweets, like when he was releasing his album, we all retweeted his album, and all these people were talking about how funny he is.

01:28:28.000 He's a very loved guy now.

01:28:31.000 It's hard to, like, get that connection.

01:28:31.000 Yeah.

01:28:33.000 And he's like, the stories he tells on stage are so good.

01:28:37.000 Like, he's like one of those guys, those storyteller guys that are, like, the best around at it.

01:28:41.000 Like, fuck.

01:28:41.000 Yeah.

01:28:42.000 Well, he's just a lovable dude.

01:28:44.000 Mm-hmm.

01:28:44.000 Charismatic, lovable dude.

01:28:46.000 Yeah.

01:28:47.000 And he grew that style out of that battlefield of the comedy store.

01:28:52.000 Where he's like, I'm gonna be my thing.

01:28:54.000 I'm gonna tell stories of childhood and fun times and beautiful things.

01:28:58.000 And I'm gonna go after some guy who's talking about going down on a girl during her period, like Tripoli, and just fucking, you know, battling against some heckler.

01:29:06.000 And then he's going to be like, well, now we're going to reset and have a great time.

01:29:10.000 That's so funny.

01:29:11.000 Yeah, but that's, like, also Sebastian.

01:29:14.000 Sebastian's another one.

01:29:15.000 He's clean dice.

01:29:16.000 Yeah, I mean, Sebastian's like, but he's hilarious.

01:29:19.000 Straight killer in his own super clean way.

01:29:21.000 Yep, and just, like, tearing apart, like, you know, messy people.

01:29:25.000 We were just talking about that he was shitting on, that he was like, he's against that, too?

01:29:29.000 What was the topic?

01:29:29.000 What was it?

01:29:31.000 I forget what it was.

01:29:32.000 Oh, Uber.

01:29:33.000 He's against Uber.

01:29:34.000 Oh, yeah.

01:29:35.000 It's hitchhiking with Yelp.

01:29:38.000 That's what he said.

01:29:39.000 Or it's hitchhiking with your phone.

01:29:41.000 He shits on everything.

01:29:42.000 It's your best.

01:29:43.000 God, he's good.

01:29:44.000 Yeah, I think that's what he said.

01:29:45.000 It's hitchhiking with your phone.

01:29:47.000 Yeah, he's funny, dude.

01:29:48.000 I was alone in a hotel room.

01:29:50.000 You saw the Sebastian special?

01:29:51.000 I saw his special on Showtime.

01:29:53.000 I think I was in Texas.

01:29:54.000 I think I was doing stand-up in Texas and just flipped on Showtime and I watched the whole thing and I was laughing.

01:29:59.000 I really, really enjoyed it.

01:30:01.000 Like, it was really fun.

01:30:02.000 Yeah, he's great.

01:30:03.000 He's one of the best in the business.

01:30:06.000 Yeah, it was cool to see, though.

01:30:07.000 You know, like, because again, like you...

01:30:09.000 You saw a guy get passed.

01:30:10.000 Like Simone, yeah.

01:30:11.000 You guys saw a guy get that, gonna become a paid record, like a hole in the shell, then get better, then be like, okay, he can stand his own, then start getting better, and totally one of the best comics in the country.

01:30:21.000 Yeah.

01:30:21.000 Yep.

01:30:22.000 Who drew that, Ari?

01:30:23.000 That's just amazing.

01:30:24.000 I don't know.

01:30:25.000 Who drew that?

01:30:25.000 I got my wispy hair, too.

01:30:27.000 When it's long, that's how it gets.

01:30:28.000 All wispy like that.

01:30:29.000 Such a good photo.

01:30:30.000 With balls?

01:30:30.000 You don't know who drew it?

01:30:32.000 Who drew that?

01:30:32.000 No.

01:30:33.000 I don't remember that.

01:30:33.000 I don't know.

01:30:34.000 Somebody just posted it on the message board.

01:30:36.000 I got my long hair.

01:30:37.000 Well, why don't you ask whoever posted it where they got it.

01:30:40.000 Let's see if we can give that person credit.

01:30:42.000 The whole thing.

01:30:42.000 Yeah.

01:30:43.000 That's amazing.

01:30:44.000 This looks like you fucked Daniele Bolelli.

01:30:47.000 You guys fucked each other.

01:30:47.000 Really?

01:30:48.000 Was my balls?

01:30:49.000 Was my balls like ha-ha?

01:30:50.000 Yeah, balls right there, the ha-ha balls.

01:30:52.000 Half Jew, half Guinea kid.

01:30:55.000 That's pretty good.

01:30:56.000 I'm tired from doing morning radio.

01:31:00.000 That's how my hair looks like that.

01:31:01.000 Then just take a shower, let it air dry.

01:31:03.000 The morning radio thing when you're on the road, that shit does get tiresome, doesn't it?

01:31:06.000 It's just because you don't have a chance to sleep at full 4. Yeah.

01:31:09.000 You know?

01:31:10.000 It's like, all right, you go to sleep.

01:31:12.000 It's like, go to sleep.

01:31:12.000 I'm not tired at 10. I was going to sleep at 3.30 in the morning the last three straight weeks.

01:31:17.000 Was I going to sleep at 10 p.m.?

01:31:18.000 The guy from the message board actually drew it.

01:31:21.000 His name is Tom Silverby.

01:31:21.000 Who?

01:31:25.000 I don't know.

01:31:26.000 What is that?

01:31:28.000 Silverby?

01:31:30.000 Thomas Overby, probably.

01:31:30.000 Thomas?

01:31:32.000 Oh, there you go.

01:31:33.000 Tomas!

01:31:34.000 Tomas Overby?

01:31:35.000 Wow, that's his own art?

01:31:37.000 Wow.

01:31:37.000 Yeah.

01:31:37.000 He drew that while we're on the podcast?

01:31:39.000 He said that.

01:31:39.000 He started at the beginning of this podcast and he finished that right then?

01:31:43.000 He's probably been drawing you since he was a child.

01:31:45.000 Tomas!

01:31:47.000 He's been seeing visions of me.

01:31:48.000 A dedicated wall that's covered in yellow spackling.

01:31:52.000 The dried cum of his ejaculate.

01:31:54.000 The first Joe Rogan he saw, he was like, huh?

01:31:56.000 All over your drawing face.

01:31:58.000 He says, I drew this last year from Ari's seven minute shit sketch after failing horribly at a Joey drawing.

01:32:06.000 Oh, nice.

01:32:07.000 Yeah, it comes from a 30-frame comic called Ari Shafir's Shit Anal Lube.

01:32:13.000 What?

01:32:13.000 Where he, you shit yourself and he fucks you.

01:32:18.000 It's a longer piece.

01:32:19.000 It tells a lot about the world we live in.

01:32:22.000 It changes its meaning along the way, many times.

01:32:25.000 You gotta stay along for the ride to get the full heart.

01:32:29.000 To get the full heart.

01:32:29.000 Are you really analubing me up?

01:32:32.000 Really just bathing me in it?

01:32:34.000 The care he takes in that really shows how a mother and child can really love each other.

01:32:38.000 There must be a guy out there somewhere.

01:32:41.000 You were talking about how you tore your penis because of a lack of lubrication.

01:32:46.000 That's not a regular thing I've done, by the way.

01:32:48.000 Okay, it just happened.

01:32:49.000 It's no big deal, I understand.

01:32:50.000 I'm not judging you at all.

01:32:51.000 Okay.

01:32:52.000 But, with, like, someone with diarrhea, that'd probably be way more lubrication than normal.

01:32:57.000 Way more lubrication.

01:32:58.000 Plus, the whole area would be super relaxed, all blown out.

01:33:04.000 I mean, it's just...

01:33:05.000 You just empty out...

01:33:06.000 From the diarrhea.

01:33:07.000 Empty out a fucking big gulp of...

01:33:11.000 Splattery diarrhea.

01:33:12.000 Had that little butthole.

01:33:14.000 The unprocessed seeds that go on the sides.

01:33:19.000 The ends of hot dogs.

01:33:21.000 Twisty ends.

01:33:22.000 I ate three times in Chinatown in San Francisco and I was shitting out full noodles.

01:33:28.000 Legit full noodles.

01:33:30.000 Your body's like, nope, it's not food.

01:33:33.000 Leaves, leaves I get, and peppers, but full noodles.

01:33:36.000 They were like the flakes of my finger.

01:33:38.000 Long ones.

01:33:39.000 Oh my god.

01:33:41.000 Your body's like, uh, I'm not buying it, man.

01:33:43.000 I'm not fucking buying it.

01:33:45.000 You call this food, we do not call this food.

01:33:47.000 Where do they get it?

01:33:48.000 Like, look, I am running this through all my fucking natural computers, and it's coming up negative.

01:33:54.000 Did you, is this gutter oil?

01:33:57.000 Gutter oil.

01:33:57.000 Do they have that in Chinatown?

01:34:00.000 I don't know.

01:34:01.000 Has it made its way?

01:34:01.000 Dude, I want to hear you hear the sound of it plopping again.

01:34:03.000 I don't want to hear it, man.

01:34:05.000 The plopping sound is what almost got you to bar.

01:34:08.000 I blame Jamie.

01:34:09.000 It's the second biggest fuck-up.

01:34:10.000 We're not continuing to play that plopping sound.

01:34:13.000 Yeah.

01:34:14.000 It's a dark, dark world.

01:34:15.000 Yeah.

01:34:16.000 And that's happening right now.

01:34:18.000 Somewhere in the world, someone's digging into a sewer and pulling out a big shovel full of shit.

01:34:22.000 It's cheaper than buying it at the store.

01:34:24.000 Just doing this is cheaper than buying it at the store.

01:34:26.000 So we'd save money by doing this.

01:34:28.000 And look at the house that I bought.

01:34:30.000 If it wasn't for gutter oil, I couldn't have bought a house.

01:34:32.000 Yeah, that lady built an empire on gutter oil.

01:34:34.000 Yeah, gutter oil empire.

01:34:35.000 This lady's like digging deep into that well.

01:34:39.000 She owns a house in the People's Republic of China.

01:34:40.000 Is that right?

01:34:41.000 Oh my god.

01:34:43.000 Somewhere.

01:34:45.000 Who knows what the fuck she actually said.

01:34:47.000 We're just reading what somebody translated.

01:34:49.000 Oh, that's a great point.

01:34:50.000 She didn't talk any English at all.

01:34:52.000 Yeah, translations are terrible.

01:34:54.000 Oh, maybe they didn't say any of that.

01:34:56.000 She might have said I was about to lose my house and my children would have died and everyone would have starved to death and I had to take shit oil.

01:35:03.000 Ugh.

01:35:04.000 People are eating it, though.

01:35:06.000 People are eating.

01:35:07.000 Not just people, like a lot of people, man.

01:35:09.000 Regular people.

01:35:10.000 I eat street food.

01:35:11.000 I didn't eat street noodles, though.

01:35:13.000 But I eat street food.

01:35:15.000 But isn't it oil that they cook in?

01:35:17.000 Couldn't it be anything?

01:35:17.000 Shut up!

01:35:21.000 Jesus!

01:35:32.000 Yeah, probably.

01:35:34.000 How many times do you eat street food?

01:35:36.000 The meat was great.

01:35:37.000 You just pointed a thing, it would cost one yen, which is about 16 cents, and it was three or four pieces of a meat.

01:35:43.000 And I don't know how to pronounce any meat or how to say any of them, so I'm like, I guess that's this.

01:35:47.000 One of those, please.

01:35:48.000 Two of these.

01:35:48.000 And if you ate it and you didn't like it, you just threw the thing out, because it was 15, 16 cents.

01:35:53.000 And you eat the next one, and you're like, this one tastes good.

01:35:55.000 What do you think it was?

01:35:57.000 Lamb, chicken, dog, tail.

01:36:00.000 Maybe.

01:36:00.000 Probably dog, right?

01:36:02.000 Yeah.

01:36:02.000 Dog is more of a Korean thing, they said.

01:36:03.000 Is it?

01:36:03.000 They said you could find it in China, but it's not really around much.

01:36:06.000 What the fuck?

01:36:07.000 But you know what?

01:36:07.000 I maybe not want dog even more than I might have wanted it before, just for the experience.

01:36:12.000 Is, you know how venison, they gotta clean...

01:36:13.000 Well, you probably know this.

01:36:14.000 They gotta kill it clean because it dumps the adrenaline.

01:36:17.000 And it kind of ruins the meat.

01:36:18.000 It doesn't really.

01:36:19.000 Ever heard that?

01:36:19.000 Yeah, it's kind of...

01:36:20.000 You ever heard that as a theory?

01:36:21.000 Yeah, I've heard it as a theory, but I don't think it's correct.

01:36:23.000 With dog meat, it's the opposite.

01:36:24.000 They want the adrenaline.

01:36:25.000 So they beat on it for about two hours.

01:36:28.000 And smash the cage and stuff.

01:36:30.000 Oh, no.

01:36:30.000 Really?

01:36:31.000 Yeah, and then kill it.

01:36:32.000 For tastier meat.

01:36:33.000 I'm like, well, I'm out then.

01:36:35.000 Then I'm out.

01:36:36.000 There's no way.

01:36:37.000 I'm only gonna eat people meat.

01:36:38.000 I'm skipping over dog.

01:36:39.000 There's no fucking way.

01:36:41.000 Can I only eat racists?

01:36:43.000 Yeah, this is purebid racist.

01:36:45.000 This guy lied.

01:36:46.000 He said he was racist, but some of these people were not.

01:36:47.000 I want a homophobe T-bone.

01:36:51.000 Really revenge-worthy cut.

01:36:56.000 What the fuck, man?

01:36:58.000 What dog would you eat if you had to choose one?

01:37:00.000 I'd go Retriever.

01:37:01.000 Golden Retriever.

01:37:02.000 No, they're too sweet.

01:37:03.000 They're fluffy.

01:37:03.000 No, those fucking slobber dogs.

01:37:05.000 Get them out of the way.

01:37:06.000 I was at another restaurant, a fancy restaurant, and someone brought in a fucking emotional support dog.

01:37:13.000 A big fucking Labrador Retriever sat down next to them.

01:37:16.000 At a table while they're eating.

01:37:18.000 And everybody's like, you gotta be kidding me.

01:37:20.000 No, it's a clean dog.

01:37:21.000 In Europe, everybody brings in some sort of restaurants.

01:37:24.000 No, we're not.

01:37:24.000 Oh, we're not in Europe.

01:37:25.000 We're in motherfucking America.

01:37:27.000 How dare you.

01:37:27.000 America.

01:37:28.000 Yeah.

01:37:28.000 Tell them, Brian.

01:37:29.000 Where are we from?

01:37:29.000 Yeah.

01:37:30.000 We're from America.

01:37:31.000 Where are we from?

01:37:32.000 America.

01:37:33.000 You ass of America.

01:37:34.000 America.

01:37:34.000 We don't bring our dogs.

01:37:36.000 Sit down next to our brunch.

01:37:38.000 Yeah, they probably wasted that meat in fucking that oil.

01:37:42.000 Shit oil?

01:37:43.000 You're still on that, huh?

01:37:45.000 Dude, I want to tell you something worse.

01:37:48.000 How's that possible?

01:37:48.000 Whoa.

01:37:52.000 I was on Big Jay's podcast, Legion of Skanks.

01:37:54.000 It's a morning zoo type thing.

01:37:57.000 They have fun.

01:37:58.000 Anyway, they've been opening up fan mail because they're getting started as a podcast.

01:38:02.000 They're super excited about the fan mail.

01:38:04.000 They open it up on the air and they read it.

01:38:06.000 And they got sent stuff.

01:38:07.000 One of the things they got sent was cookies.

01:38:10.000 Sugar cookies.

01:38:11.000 We had all gotten high and I was like, fuck yeah, give me that sugar cookie.

01:38:16.000 And then Jay was like, oh, maybe you shouldn't eat...

01:38:19.000 I mean, that was just from a fan.

01:38:20.000 I wouldn't necessarily eat.

01:38:21.000 I'm like, what's it gonna be?

01:38:22.000 Fucking weed cookie?

01:38:23.000 All the better.

01:38:24.000 And he's like, no, Ari, we do, like, long segments about, like...

01:38:24.000 Let's do this.

01:38:29.000 We've done long segments about, like, coming on food.

01:38:32.000 Oh, God, dude.

01:38:34.000 Like, we had, like, a whole fight about it a few weeks ago.

01:38:37.000 Like, how you can come on food and...

01:38:39.000 And then, like, make people eat it.

01:38:41.000 And then as a podcast, we're like, oh, yeah, definitely.

01:38:44.000 Yeah, I for sure ate somebody's cum.

01:38:47.000 Oh, Jesus.

01:38:48.000 Just a cum cookie.

01:38:50.000 That's not nice.

01:38:51.000 No, it's not.

01:38:52.000 That's terrible.

01:38:53.000 I was getting more nauseous as it went, but I was like, yeah, whatever.

01:38:55.000 On the other podcast you do, you have like contests.

01:39:00.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:39:00.000 Punch drunk?

01:39:01.000 The bag of bets?

01:39:02.000 Now, recently Josh Martin lost and you guys all had to come on a towel and he had to wash his face with this towel.

01:39:08.000 Same guy?

01:39:08.000 Oh, that's cool.

01:39:10.000 You half monkey astronaut, half Joe Rogan behind the stars?

01:39:15.000 Same guy.

01:39:15.000 The same guy, yeah.

01:39:16.000 Tomas, overbay.

01:39:17.000 Yeah.

01:39:18.000 Overbay.

01:39:19.000 Dude, he's an amazing artist.

01:39:20.000 Yeah.

01:39:21.000 He's amazing.

01:39:22.000 Yeah, the bag of bets was if Sam Shipley came in the last two, it was a fantasy league.

01:39:26.000 And not only did he not come in the final two, he won the fantasy league.

01:39:29.000 So the loser has to take...

01:39:32.000 We all have to jizz onto a rag, and then they have to use that rag as their morning...

01:39:37.000 They have to reapply some moisture to reactivate the jizz.

01:39:41.000 Oh, my God!

01:39:42.000 And Sir Josh Martin had to do this.

01:39:43.000 And wipe their face with it.

01:39:45.000 So, were you allowed to wipe it off after you wipe your face with it?

01:39:48.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:39:48.000 But you gotta wipe it off.

01:39:50.000 So you gotta do a little bit of wiping, and then you can wipe it off afterwards.

01:39:53.000 How many days?

01:39:53.000 Yeah.

01:39:54.000 What do you mean, how many days?

01:39:55.000 How many days do you have to do this for?

01:39:56.000 Just once.

01:39:57.000 Just have to do it once.

01:39:58.000 But reapply the water.

01:39:58.000 Okay.

01:39:59.000 It's as if, you know, at the airport, on the plane's like...

01:40:01.000 Fresh towel?

01:40:02.000 You're like, oh, I'd love that.

01:40:03.000 I'd love that.

01:40:03.000 And then really get it in there.

01:40:05.000 Yeah, it's cum.

01:40:05.000 Three people's cum.

01:40:06.000 Three people's cum.

01:40:08.000 Bukkake on the rag.

01:40:09.000 It's bag of bets.

01:40:10.000 I'm more sad that three people can cum on a rag that easy.

01:40:13.000 It's that easy?

01:40:15.000 What is happening?

01:40:16.000 We're not going to stand around it.

01:40:16.000 We're going to separate it.

01:40:18.000 The third guy has an issue.

01:40:21.000 The third guy to come has a real issue.

01:40:24.000 The fact that he can still shoot a load on the dying loads of his two friends.

01:40:30.000 Who are you?

01:40:31.000 Who are you and what's getting you off?

01:40:34.000 How much is he knuckling his asshole?

01:40:39.000 Thumb deep in his ass.

01:40:40.000 I'm going to get there, vigorously moving it, just shaking it as fast as I can.

01:40:46.000 Has Josh already done this?

01:40:48.000 No, we're doing the awards ceremony at the Comedy Store patio.

01:40:51.000 He's got to do it there in front of everybody.

01:40:52.000 Oh, Friday?

01:40:53.000 We have all these bag of bets.

01:40:54.000 They're great.

01:40:55.000 Do they watch porn while they jerked off onto this thing, or do they just jerk off from memory?

01:40:58.000 We just jerk off.

01:40:59.000 Whatever we want to do.

01:41:00.000 It's up to us.

01:41:00.000 Here's the rag now.

01:41:02.000 You go.

01:41:03.000 We had this bet where me and Tebow bet on a round of golf.

01:41:06.000 He was positive he could beat me.

01:41:07.000 And we put in there, loser has to watch every episode of Whitney.

01:41:15.000 In a row.

01:41:17.000 Write a book report about it.

01:41:18.000 In a row.

01:41:19.000 Yeah, I have to do it as sitting.

01:41:21.000 Write a book report about it.

01:41:22.000 You have one day off in between seasons.

01:41:24.000 Tebow had to do it, right?

01:41:25.000 Yeah.

01:41:26.000 Dude, Whitney Cummings has this...

01:41:27.000 I don't want to tell you what the bit is about.

01:41:29.000 I don't want to give up any of it, but it is a murderous bit.

01:41:32.000 Really?

01:41:32.000 She's got this bit that I've watched grow over the last three or four weeks.

01:41:36.000 It's murderous, dude.

01:41:36.000 That's good.

01:41:39.000 She's been doing a lot of stand-up.

01:41:40.000 It's really interesting to see someone just really, like, catch momentum.

01:41:44.000 Really just, like, you see a bit.

01:41:46.000 If she keeps working, there's no reason why she can't become a really, really, like, great comic.

01:41:50.000 Yeah, no doubt.

01:41:51.000 I mean, you get the opportunity.

01:41:52.000 All these people that get the opportunity, like, will get you up, they usually just stop doing comedy.

01:41:56.000 Yeah, no, she does a lot.

01:41:58.000 She's always on stage at the store.

01:41:58.000 Yeah.

01:42:01.000 I've followed her at the store like three or four times in a row.

01:42:03.000 I see her at the improv all the time.

01:42:06.000 That chick puts in work.

01:42:07.000 I respect the shit out of her.

01:42:09.000 She is always doing stand-up.

01:42:09.000 Yeah.

01:42:11.000 And she's always, like, tweaking stuff and adding to stuff and changing stuff.

01:42:15.000 She takes chances.

01:42:16.000 She writes a lot.

01:42:17.000 She moves forward.

01:42:18.000 It's the Whitney model I tell everybody about.

01:42:21.000 Move forward.

01:42:22.000 Do something.

01:42:22.000 Go.

01:42:23.000 Well, this podcast made it.

01:42:24.000 Just do it anyway.

01:42:25.000 Then it won't go anywhere.

01:42:26.000 Just do it.

01:42:26.000 What have you lost?

01:42:27.000 Nothing.

01:42:28.000 The time you're doing nothing.

01:42:29.000 Move forward.

01:42:30.000 Yeah.

01:42:31.000 Write a bit.

01:42:32.000 Make the short sketch.

01:42:33.000 Do something.

01:42:34.000 Just go.

01:42:35.000 She's a super likable person, too.

01:42:37.000 Like, in real life, when you talk to her, she's really friendly.

01:42:40.000 You know?

01:42:41.000 So it's like you want her to be really good, you know?

01:42:45.000 And now she's like...

01:42:46.000 I'll tell you off the air what this bit is, because I don't want to give up what the topic of the bit is.

01:42:52.000 God damn, it's hilarious.

01:42:53.000 She's funny, man.

01:42:55.000 This is a good time, dude.

01:42:57.000 I've been seeing so many funny guys that I didn't even know were around at the store recently.

01:43:01.000 I gotta start remembering people's names.

01:43:03.000 Santino, Theo Vaughn is really funny.

01:43:06.000 Michael Costa.

01:43:08.000 This is the hidden gem.

01:43:09.000 This is the hidden gem of the Comedy Store.

01:43:12.000 This is the hidden gem of the Comedy Store.

01:43:16.000 It's the late night sets with either Brian Holtzman or Brody Stevens.

01:43:23.000 I have seen them for the past couple weeks.

01:43:25.000 I've stuck around and the last guy on stage in the main room does as long as they want.

01:43:30.000 And a lot of times they go on stage somewhere before 1am and they have an hour if they want to.

01:43:35.000 They can go all the way to 2am.

01:43:36.000 There's anywhere between 60 and four people in the room.

01:43:39.000 So the show starts out, there's 300 plus people, the place is mobbed, everybody goes up, Chris D'Elia kills, ba-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da, and then it gets to the end, and then Brody Stevens goes up.

01:43:48.000 And Brody Stevens made...

01:43:50.000 I was fucking...

01:43:51.000 I was hyperventilating, crying, laughing, and slapping the table.

01:43:56.000 That angry has...

01:43:57.000 You don't...

01:43:57.000 I'm watching you not laugh!

01:44:00.000 I push.

01:44:02.000 I push.

01:44:03.000 You know who I am?

01:44:04.000 Yeah.

01:44:05.000 Yeah.

01:44:06.000 I push.

01:44:07.000 Dude, those late...

01:44:09.000 Yeah, he's like, where'd you go to school?

01:44:10.000 He'll tell you where he went to school.

01:44:11.000 If it's anywhere in Southern California, anywhere, he will tell you a Major League Baseball player who went there, and then he goes, I know him!

01:44:18.000 You're gonna treat me like that?

01:44:21.000 I'm friends with your highest honored person.

01:44:24.000 Arizona State.

01:44:26.000 Yeah.

01:44:26.000 Alumni.

01:44:27.000 Two and one.

01:44:30.000 He'll always, like, shit on himself a little bit at the end.

01:44:33.000 Yeah.

01:44:34.000 Choked under pressure.

01:44:36.000 Choked during the big game.

01:44:38.000 I'm on Lamictal.

01:44:41.000 It fucks with my body temperature.

01:44:44.000 Soloft didn't work for me.

01:44:45.000 I gotta move on.

01:44:48.000 I'd like to get off the meds.

01:44:51.000 He's fucking awesome.

01:44:52.000 His late night show the other night, it was not this past Friday night, but the one before.

01:44:58.000 My God, man.

01:44:58.000 Late night set?

01:45:00.000 I was in awe.

01:45:00.000 What'd he do?

01:45:01.000 Well, he's been doing so many warm-ups.

01:45:03.000 You know, he does warm-ups so much.

01:45:04.000 He's constantly used to just completely ad-libbing in front of, like, this group of people that's waiting for a television show to be filmed.

01:45:11.000 So there's, like, they'll film a segment.

01:45:13.000 They'll, all right, audience has to clap now.

01:45:15.000 And in between that, when they're setting things up.

01:45:18.000 Yeah, he does it for a lot of shows.

01:45:19.000 I go out there early and watch him.

01:45:20.000 I was like, I just want to see you, Bernie.

01:45:22.000 He's fantastic at it.

01:45:23.000 But when he's so fantastic at it, one of the things he does is he has this incredible ability to make comedy out of nothing.

01:45:30.000 Anything that's going on.

01:45:32.000 Like, he's completely free.

01:45:33.000 Like, his ability to ad-lib is like no one's.

01:45:37.000 Like, his ability to, like, move into the crowd and just start bringing everybody together and pulling, like, little things that he said to this person, to that person.

01:45:45.000 Like, he's so used to being free when he's doing those warm-up things.

01:45:49.000 Like, constantly on, just free-flowing back and forth.

01:45:52.000 Stay together, people.

01:45:54.000 We're working here.

01:45:55.000 We're pushing.

01:45:56.000 I push.

01:45:58.000 I'm from the valley.

01:46:00.000 818 till I die.

01:46:00.000 Okay?

01:46:02.000 You know, but he can do that in that rhythm with that sort of...

01:46:05.000 He's so good.

01:46:07.000 His intensity...

01:46:07.000 Usually two warm guys are either rah-rah-rah or they just can't do the warm-up.

01:46:11.000 Dude, he's a monster.

01:46:11.000 Yeah.

01:46:12.000 He was murdering the other night.

01:46:14.000 I mean, fucking murdering.

01:46:15.000 This is something Eddie found the other day, Eddie Ift.

01:46:18.000 This is what Brody used to send out to managers and comedy clubs and stuff like that.

01:46:23.000 And it's a VHS tape.

01:46:25.000 Personality, human, 27 years of experience.

01:46:27.000 Trust me, I understand comedy.

01:46:29.000 Yeah.

01:46:32.000 Man, you're a friend.

01:46:35.000 He's so awesome.

01:46:36.000 I'm such a huge Brody fan.

01:46:37.000 Yeah, he makes late nights fun, especially when you're stoned.

01:46:39.000 Yeah.

01:46:40.000 And then you just like go in there and just laugh.

01:46:41.000 And the crowd's like half full, so it's like, oh, this is great.

01:46:44.000 Holtzman almost had me barf once.

01:46:46.000 I was laughing so hard.

01:46:47.000 I was almost like, it was like only that and Jackats 2, where I was like, I just couldn't barely hold it.

01:46:55.000 Those two guys, if you ever see them on the lineup at the Comedy Store, please go for the late night aspect of them.

01:47:01.000 I mean, go for the whole show, but stick around to the end.

01:47:03.000 Here's when the story gets cool.

01:47:05.000 It's actually when you're out, you're done out, you're finished, you're drunk.

01:47:09.000 It's midnight.

01:47:10.000 Should we go home?

01:47:10.000 It's like, no, midnight's at 2. It's this kind of raw, jazzy environment at the store.

01:47:14.000 So just head into the store and sober up there.

01:47:16.000 They'll probably let you in for free.

01:47:18.000 Almost always.

01:47:20.000 Unless it's still packed on a weekend or something.

01:47:22.000 Last night there was a million dollar car there, right?

01:47:24.000 Yeah, parked up front.

01:47:25.000 Porsche fucking testers.

01:47:26.000 Yeah, Porsche 918. They were testing it?

01:47:30.000 It was all these Porsche guys with Porsche jackets.

01:47:33.000 And there was a car ahead of them too with a Porsche, a nice Porsche.

01:47:36.000 Oh, I wonder if they like...

01:47:38.000 I think it was a prototype.

01:47:39.000 Well, no, it's a car that's available.

01:47:41.000 It's called a 918. It's this incredible car.

01:47:44.000 $875,000 sticker value.

01:47:46.000 Yeah, and that's if you can get one.

01:47:48.000 They're all spoken for.

01:47:49.000 So you'd have to pay some sort of premium.

01:47:51.000 Yeah, you'd probably have to pay over a million dollars.

01:47:53.000 Wow.

01:47:54.000 And it'd be worth it too.

01:47:55.000 Parked at a meter on Sunset.

01:47:57.000 That's incredible.

01:47:57.000 That's a million dollars.

01:47:59.000 I touched it.

01:48:00.000 While people were texting.

01:48:01.000 With my dick.

01:48:02.000 Yeah.

01:48:02.000 What?

01:48:03.000 People are texting and barely paying attention.

01:48:06.000 You know?

01:48:06.000 I know.

01:48:07.000 And this car's parked on the side of the road.

01:48:09.000 It's a million dollars.

01:48:09.000 Parked right there.

01:48:10.000 Yeah, we were like then, and Simone's like, hey, look at that car.

01:48:12.000 We're like, what?

01:48:12.000 Oh, yeah.

01:48:13.000 Well, I saw a Veyron once in Hollywood, which is even more expensive.

01:48:16.000 A Bugatti.

01:48:17.000 Bugatti Veyron.

01:48:18.000 Really?

01:48:19.000 Which is one of the fastest cars in the world.

01:48:21.000 This big, giant spaceship-looking thing.

01:48:22.000 And that's more than a million.

01:48:24.000 Wow!

01:48:25.000 That's like a million and a half or something.

01:48:26.000 Yeah, there it is.

01:48:27.000 The only thing is, like, when they open the doors, I was really expecting, like, this really cool door thing that would, like, go back and then up or something.

01:48:35.000 But it was just, like, this little door.

01:48:36.000 Yeah.

01:48:36.000 Regular door.

01:48:37.000 Well, Porsche is, like, the best.

01:48:40.000 They're the best designers in terms of, like, the right compromise between, like, ridiculous speed and power and handling and also, like, efficiency.

01:48:52.000 It's a hybrid car.

01:48:52.000 Yeah.

01:48:53.000 Yeah.

01:48:54.000 But it's also like just the way they don't make things that are too extravagant.

01:48:58.000 They don't make like Lamborghini Countaches, you know, they're like this big ridiculous fire-breathing cars.

01:49:04.000 Like if they make a car, like the width, it's all about the engineering of the car.

01:49:08.000 It's like how fast can we get this car?

01:49:10.000 Like what is the best way to stick to the road?

01:49:12.000 Yeah, if they're making something like this.

01:49:13.000 But it's interesting because they're stuck with this 911, and that's the car that has the engine in the back.

01:49:19.000 It's really not the best way to do it.

01:49:21.000 You're not really supposed to have an engine in the back.

01:49:23.000 It becomes unbalanced.

01:49:25.000 It swings back and forth.

01:49:26.000 So why do they just put it in the front?

01:49:28.000 Because they started out doing it that way back when they didn't know any better.

01:49:30.000 Only for the 911?

01:49:31.000 Yeah, and then they've sort of stuck with it because it's become a characteristic of the 911. Wow.

01:49:39.000 Is this the kind of car that Paul Walker died in?

01:49:41.000 Like, this kind of, like, horsepower?

01:49:43.000 No.

01:49:44.000 Well, more horsepower.

01:49:45.000 But his was a Carrera GT. And the issue with Paul Walker's car, everybody's like, well, the car was, like, really dangerous.

01:49:51.000 Like, no.

01:49:52.000 It was not that dangerous.

01:49:54.000 According to everybody that I've talked to that's a car expert and it's not coming from me.

01:49:57.000 Chris Harris told me.

01:49:58.000 Matt Farah told me.

01:50:00.000 The real issue was that the car itself had been on the same tires for a long time.

01:50:05.000 Like seven, eight years.

01:50:07.000 They get hard and they have no grip.

01:50:10.000 And you have amazing horsepower and you're treating the car as if it's like a car with current tires on it.

01:50:17.000 Car tires actually harden and dry up.

01:50:21.000 You sound like the guys, when you're saying that though, you sound like the guys who were defending pit bulls in like the 80s.

01:50:27.000 It's not, but it's not, I know like high horsepower cars, like it's a really high horsepower car, but it's not so high horsepower that it would be dangerous.

01:50:35.000 Right.

01:50:36.000 You know, like, I drove a car...

01:50:37.000 I never heard it was dangerous.

01:50:38.000 I just heard it was going way too fast and crash.

01:50:39.000 I heard it's hard to drive.

01:50:40.000 People have crashed...

01:50:41.000 Well, it's a mid-engine car.

01:50:43.000 It's got a really good balance, but it's really powerful.

01:50:46.000 Yeah, I'm a race car driver.

01:50:47.000 You can't go so fast.

01:50:48.000 And it doesn't have the same sort of, like, traction-based technology that they have in 2015. We have these weird, like, traction control, like, computers built in.

01:50:48.000 Yes.

01:50:58.000 They know when one tire is, like, losing traction.

01:51:01.000 They compensate with the other side.

01:51:02.000 They brake on one side to keep things moving.

01:51:05.000 Look at his old phone.

01:51:06.000 I know.

01:51:07.000 It's amazing.

01:51:07.000 You don't even have Bluetooth in your car.

01:51:09.000 This has Bluetooth?

01:51:09.000 You son of a...

01:51:10.000 I don't have a car.

01:51:11.000 Ari Shafir, for folks who don't know what we're talking about, has gone completely back to the flip phone.

01:51:17.000 I like it.

01:51:18.000 Pros and cons.

01:51:19.000 Okay.

01:51:20.000 Pros.

01:51:20.000 Pros?

01:51:21.000 They're few and far between.

01:51:26.000 One pro is I have to charge it every three and a half days.

01:51:31.000 Obviously the reason why is because you can't do anything worth draining it for.

01:51:35.000 That's undeniable, Pro.

01:51:36.000 You don't have to charge it.

01:51:37.000 That's great.

01:51:39.000 Two, you can do ignore without saying no on somebody.

01:51:44.000 Remember that on the old phones?

01:51:45.000 We could just stop the ringer without saying off.

01:51:47.000 The iPhone never did.

01:51:48.000 Yeah, you can do that.

01:51:49.000 They finally got that?

01:51:51.000 Oh yeah, they've had it for a while.

01:51:52.000 You just hit the volume button down or up.

01:51:54.000 And then I'll just silence it and let it keep ringing.

01:51:55.000 But you can't stop ringing, but not...

01:51:57.000 You can't go back to what you're doing.

01:51:59.000 You have to wait for it to finish ringing, right?

01:52:01.000 Before you can go back to your text and shit?

01:52:03.000 Uh, yes.

01:52:04.000 Yeah.

01:52:04.000 Like, as far as declining it.

01:52:06.000 Yeah.

01:52:06.000 If you want to pretend that you're not ignoring that call, yeah.

01:52:11.000 Just stop pretending.

01:52:13.000 Like, I'm doing something.

01:52:13.000 Stop pretending.

01:52:15.000 I don't feel...

01:52:16.000 I do not get upset when people send me the voicemail.

01:52:19.000 Really?

01:52:19.000 You're like, oh, you were doing something.

01:52:20.000 So please do it.

01:52:21.000 Please send me the voicemail for a goof.

01:52:22.000 I can't wait to send you the voicemail now.

01:52:25.000 Let me tell you this right now.

01:52:26.000 For every time you send me the voicemail, send me another time to voicemail and avoid sending Joey Diaz to voicemail because he will burn your soul.

01:52:33.000 You've got to be like, Joey, I can't talk right now.

01:52:35.000 I'll talk to you later.

01:52:35.000 I'm getting married.

01:52:36.000 Yeah, you can't do that.

01:52:36.000 Okay, bye.

01:52:37.000 You've got to answer and you've got to talk to him.

01:52:38.000 Now the cons.

01:52:40.000 Hey, cocksucker.

01:52:41.000 I'm loving your fucking voicemail right now.

01:52:43.000 Where have you been all day?

01:52:44.000 It's been 30 minutes.

01:52:44.000 I don't know, man.

01:52:45.000 Relax.

01:52:46.000 It's 11 a.m.

01:52:46.000 How's that camera, though?

01:52:47.000 That camera has to be amazing.

01:52:49.000 It's over one megapixel.

01:52:49.000 It's great, man.

01:52:51.000 It's 1.3.

01:52:52.000 I don't even use the camera.

01:52:53.000 And when I get text messages that have picture messages, if it's any, like, look at this bet I made on a fight or something, I have to forward that to my email.

01:53:01.000 And look at it on computer because I just can't see it.

01:53:04.000 And then you have to do it forwarding on your computer from your phone to your computer.

01:53:09.000 You have to do that all by pressing like...

01:53:11.000 Individual buttons.

01:53:12.000 Absolutely.

01:53:13.000 I mean, to hit an S or to hit the number 7, you've got to go 10 times because you're going to overpass the first time.

01:53:19.000 You forgot about that.

01:53:20.000 I think it doesn't get messages also because I think I've sent you stuff before and you'd probably just never received.

01:53:26.000 Well, you probably have that.

01:53:28.000 Here, Sam Shibley just sent me a picture.

01:53:31.000 How do you enjoy that?

01:53:34.000 For the people listening, it's about 40 pixels.

01:53:36.000 I don't even know what it is.

01:53:38.000 It's like a...

01:53:38.000 I don't even know what it is.

01:53:41.000 That could be anything.

01:53:42.000 Oh, my God.

01:53:43.000 Is it like Times Square?

01:53:44.000 Is it a funeral?

01:53:46.000 Is it people?

01:53:47.000 Might be mushrooms.

01:53:48.000 It's war!

01:53:49.000 Aliens have landed!

01:53:50.000 Now, Ari, is it annoying, though?

01:53:51.000 Like, if you're driving, you're like, shit, I'm fucking lost.

01:53:54.000 Oh, he said Barnett after Ohio State won the game.

01:53:56.000 Josh Barnett after Ohio State won the game, maybe?

01:53:58.000 I don't know.

01:53:59.000 What?

01:53:59.000 But, like, if you're driving somewhere late at night, you're lost.

01:54:02.000 Gone.

01:54:03.000 Okay.

01:54:03.000 Also, so, yeah.

01:54:05.000 Can't.

01:54:05.000 No GPS. That's terrible.

01:54:07.000 But, I already have found two new train routes that I didn't really know would work perfectly.

01:54:12.000 In the six days I was off at New York, I was like, oh, the six train goes in here and here?

01:54:17.000 Oh, I could just take this.

01:54:18.000 You know they have the app that tells you that on Google Maps?

01:54:21.000 It tells you what it tells you, but it never tells me to take the six train, and it's right there.

01:54:24.000 It shows you off.

01:54:25.000 It didn't tell me that.

01:54:26.000 I'm telling you, I've been there for a while, and it would never show me that.

01:54:29.000 And I'm like, oh, I can take this.

01:54:30.000 Oh, this one connects.

01:54:30.000 I don't understand.

01:54:31.000 I understand the map better, because you have to look and see what connects to what.

01:54:35.000 So when you miss your train, if you stop and tie your shoes and miss the one train, and you can't get a signal underground, instead of being fucked, like, which train can I take?

01:54:41.000 Like, oh, any of these.

01:54:42.000 The R, the N, the Q, these all go there.

01:54:44.000 And you can figure it out by learning the maths, which you don't do when you have it on your phone at all times.

01:54:48.000 Sound recorder?

01:54:50.000 Non-existent.

01:54:51.000 I have to open it up.

01:54:51.000 No.

01:54:53.000 Keep it in my pocket.

01:54:54.000 Open.

01:54:55.000 Because if you close it, it's done.

01:54:57.000 So you're going to go back to an iPhone 6 tonight?

01:54:59.000 Gold one?

01:55:00.000 No, I'm not.

01:55:01.000 I'm way more present.

01:55:03.000 I'm more social.

01:55:05.000 Instantly.

01:55:06.000 I look at my surroundings more.

01:55:09.000 That part is all carry forward as is.

01:55:13.000 And trust me, right now is the worst time for me to do this.

01:55:15.000 Why is that?

01:55:16.000 Because I've got a special I'm trying to promote coming out Friday.

01:55:19.000 Comedy Central at midnight.

01:55:20.000 I've got my storytellers coming out a week from Thursday.

01:55:23.000 That's starting.

01:55:24.000 Why don't you make a statement out there to all the technophiles and perhaps techno junkies, shall we say?

01:55:30.000 I don't know.

01:55:31.000 People said they couldn't live without it, but it's like, this is what we lived at seven years ago.

01:55:35.000 You can't live without...

01:55:36.000 You can't possibly live without you...

01:55:38.000 What you lived with seven years ago?

01:55:40.000 Do you feel like your life has been enriched by abandoning the smartphone?

01:55:43.000 Yeah, a little bit.

01:55:44.000 Really?

01:55:44.000 Here's the deal.

01:55:45.000 We haven't tested it yet.

01:55:46.000 We haven't tested what the etiquette is.

01:55:47.000 The only reason people don't text while they drive anymore is because they had to make a law against it.

01:55:51.000 Otherwise, people just would.

01:55:53.000 So the idea that everyone will control it the right amount of time is sort of ridiculous.

01:55:57.000 They won't.

01:55:58.000 They've proven not to.

01:55:59.000 The battery on the iPhone 3 was minuscule compared to what the iPhone 6 is.

01:56:04.000 And it lasts the same amount of time because we're on the phone way more.

01:56:07.000 I was going to say that you should have like a phone, like a regular phone, and then an iPhone to do like social media type shit.

01:56:14.000 Yeah, like an iPod.

01:56:15.000 You have to do it.

01:56:16.000 Then the problem is two hours in bed every morning before you get out of bed.

01:56:18.000 I was going to say, that's your issue, right?

01:56:19.000 You get sucked into the web.

01:56:21.000 You get sucked in.

01:56:21.000 And people say, well, just don't use it.

01:56:23.000 Well, it's been five years.

01:56:24.000 Welcome back to us, honey.

01:56:26.000 We have apps.

01:56:27.000 Yeah, it's great.

01:56:27.000 I get it.

01:56:28.000 They're great.

01:56:29.000 They're great.

01:56:29.000 It's just too much.

01:56:30.000 I think for your job and everything, you need it.

01:56:32.000 No, people just say you need it.

01:56:34.000 I tweet from my phone.

01:56:35.000 I can Instagram from my computer.

01:56:37.000 You say you need it, but do you need things?

01:56:39.000 Wait a minute, you can Instagram from your computer?

01:56:41.000 Uh-huh.

01:56:41.000 I didn't know you could do that.

01:56:42.000 It's an app.

01:56:43.000 Oh, that's interesting.

01:56:45.000 I've only used, like, the web browser.

01:56:46.000 So then you can, like, change shit on computers, stuff you can't do, like, on your phone, and then, like, update it right there.

01:56:51.000 Put memes in yourself.

01:56:54.000 I'll have to check it out.

01:56:55.000 Yeah.

01:56:56.000 No, you would like that anyway.

01:56:58.000 But, but, like, uh...

01:57:00.000 I just don't...

01:57:01.000 You just don't trust yourself.

01:57:03.000 And also I see it on elevators.

01:57:05.000 Everyone gets out like that.

01:57:05.000 The doors close.

01:57:06.000 People don't even look at each other.

01:57:08.000 I walk down the street in New York.

01:57:09.000 I go 10 blocks in one of the most exciting cities in the world.

01:57:12.000 And I haven't looked at my surroundings at all.

01:57:15.000 I just haven't even had any new input.

01:57:18.000 And you get connected with everyone.

01:57:19.000 There is that, but you're connected really with the circle you're already in, friendship-wise, so then you don't make new connections.

01:57:27.000 You're like, yeah, I can connect with this friend.

01:57:28.000 I'll tell him how he is on Facebook or whatever, on text.

01:57:31.000 And then there's no reason.

01:57:32.000 Your body doesn't make you, like, say, oh, hey, you reading that book?

01:57:35.000 I read that.

01:57:36.000 It's a good book.

01:57:37.000 Everyone just shuts in.

01:57:38.000 They just go to their phone.

01:57:39.000 You can't bother somebody on the phone.

01:57:42.000 Somewhere Dana White's just going like a teardrop.

01:57:44.000 Yeah, I found out Dana White did it.

01:57:45.000 I mean, I knew Attel used a flip phone, and I was like, well, that makes sense.

01:57:49.000 But then Louie was like, yeah, I went to 102. I was like, no way, really?

01:57:52.000 I mean, you got a lot of shit going on.

01:57:54.000 And then when I found out Dana White...

01:57:55.000 Louie went to a flip phone?

01:57:56.000 I found out Dana White did it too, and I'm like, god damn.

01:57:59.000 Dana White has never moved from a flip phone.

01:58:01.000 Dana White is so good with his flip phone, he can send you a message while looking right in your eyes.

01:58:05.000 He knows exactly what button to press.

01:58:07.000 He said all sorts of people are doing it.

01:58:09.000 I asked him about it.

01:58:10.000 He said all sorts of people are doing it.

01:58:12.000 He's like more and more like people that are like winning in life, like doing shit.

01:58:16.000 This is how easily influenced I am.

01:58:18.000 I'm ready to switch.

01:58:19.000 I mean, here's the deal.

01:58:20.000 There's growing pains.

01:58:22.000 There's growing pains.

01:58:22.000 The first day you're like, I need it.

01:58:24.000 But that's what happens when you quit caffeine.

01:58:25.000 You're fucking, you got headaches.

01:58:27.000 Fascinating.

01:58:27.000 I think if you have an iPad mini, it's totally do that.

01:58:30.000 There's no reason to do it.

01:58:31.000 Brian's like, I think if you have a 42-inch screen that's on a wheel, it rolls in front of you everywhere you go, like handlebars.

01:58:37.000 Well, I think nowadays it's great safety.

01:58:39.000 Snapchat, half of them is just to get laid.

01:58:40.000 Half of those things are just like instruments of sex.

01:58:43.000 GPS. How dare you.

01:58:46.000 It's true.

01:58:47.000 I mean, the reason I have a Facebook fan page at all is because some woman wrote me that once, wrote me on there once, and pretty much laid it out there.

01:58:52.000 She wanted to hook up.

01:58:53.000 And I was like, damn it, I missed it.

01:58:55.000 It's already gone from the city.

01:58:56.000 Then I check it every two days.

01:58:57.000 Won't go without checking it again.

01:58:59.000 Because of that one time!

01:59:01.000 All right, it's going to be okay.

01:59:03.000 Anyway, it's been pretty cool.

01:59:05.000 I'm okay with it.

01:59:06.000 GPS sits weird.

01:59:08.000 You can only Uber away.

01:59:08.000 Uber's tough.

01:59:09.000 You can't Uber back.

01:59:10.000 So in a city like this where I don't have a car...

01:59:12.000 What?

01:59:13.000 What do you mean you can only Uber away?

01:59:14.000 I took the bus for the first time.

01:59:15.000 Uber from my computer.

01:59:15.000 What does that mean?

01:59:17.000 Oh, and then getting back home was difficult.

01:59:19.000 Because you can't get back home.

01:59:20.000 You took the what from the where?

01:59:21.000 I took the bus from the doctor's office.

01:59:24.000 What the fuck are you saying to me?

01:59:25.000 I was like, what bus goes here?

01:59:26.000 I just looked and I was like, oh, that goes right by the Beverly Hills.

01:59:28.000 Like a regular bus in Los Angeles, California?

01:59:31.000 Yeah, I take it twice.

01:59:32.000 First of all, the first time, everyone's like, it's all Mexican.

01:59:34.000 The first time there was two black people.

01:59:36.000 There was a couple from Australia, two white people, and maybe like six or seven Mexicans, but it was other people too.

01:59:44.000 And then the second time I took it, they were full-on homeless people on there.

01:59:46.000 It was pretty disgusting.

01:59:48.000 So Tinder's probably impossible.

01:59:50.000 Tinder is impossible.

01:59:52.000 But a Tinder I deleted from my phone nine times anyway.

01:59:55.000 Nine times.

01:59:56.000 Like Duncan was with World of Warcraft.

01:59:58.000 I'm like, I can't anymore.

01:59:59.000 I got nothing out of it.

02:00:00.000 I'll delete it.

02:00:01.000 And then like a month later, I'm like, oh, I just did Tinder.

02:00:05.000 They don't have any apps that really limit your app use.

02:00:07.000 Yeah, they do.

02:00:08.000 No, they have apps that tell you, you're at your two hours, and then you're like, ignore, keep going.

02:00:13.000 Well, you can always shut it off, Ari.

02:00:15.000 You can always go deep into your settings and say, fuck you.

02:00:15.000 No, you can't.

02:00:18.000 You can always double tap on that bottom button and delete those bitches.

02:00:21.000 But then you just read, get them immediately.

02:00:23.000 What do you mean?

02:00:23.000 Maybe.

02:00:24.000 That's so easy to do.

02:00:25.000 When you need to learn how to have a little discipline in your life.

02:00:25.000 Maybe.

02:00:28.000 Absolutely.

02:00:29.000 And not stop blaming it on iPhones.

02:00:30.000 I got rid of cable for the same reason 10 years ago.

02:00:33.000 Mm-hmm.

02:00:34.000 Again.

02:00:35.000 Nothing wrong with cable, boy.

02:00:37.000 You know what's better for cable?

02:00:39.000 You can't do that.

02:00:39.000 It's better to have cable than to not have cable.

02:00:42.000 Okay?

02:00:42.000 Why?

02:00:43.000 You don't have to watch cable if you have cable.

02:00:45.000 I do.

02:00:45.000 You have to constantly be glued to the fucking television.

02:00:48.000 God, it's a sickness.

02:00:49.000 It's always on.

02:00:50.000 You can get away from it.

02:00:51.000 Brian, come on.

02:00:53.000 You can't do that.

02:00:54.000 Now girls don't see it as a real match when you actually do match because you're fucking idiots.

02:00:54.000 That's ruining Tinder.

02:00:58.000 You're just like, like, liking all day.

02:00:59.000 It should be something special that once you do like each other, now they're like, wow, this guy's interested in me.

02:01:03.000 Now they don't even know that.

02:01:05.000 Because of you guys that are always liking everything.

02:01:08.000 You and Pete Davidson and all these guys.

02:01:11.000 Like, like, like, like.

02:01:12.000 Just have a little class with it.

02:01:15.000 Nope.

02:01:15.000 It's a fuck site.

02:01:16.000 Just have a little bit of class and we can all have a nice fuck site.

02:01:19.000 You're ruining it with your fucking lack of patience.

02:01:22.000 Is it ruining it talking about it right now?

02:01:24.000 No, it's a great site.

02:01:26.000 But is it possible?

02:01:27.000 It's ruining it talking about it?

02:01:27.000 It's not underground.

02:01:28.000 Is it ruining it talking about it?

02:01:29.000 You did way more damage than I did.

02:01:32.000 Stop swiping like.

02:01:34.000 The benefit of just accepting everybody is it's better odds.

02:01:38.000 What are you doing?

02:01:39.000 You're sticking it right in front of our faces.

02:01:40.000 What are you talking about?

02:01:42.000 You were interrupting the conversation.

02:01:43.000 Trying to blame it on me.

02:01:46.000 How dare you?

02:01:49.000 How dare you?

02:01:50.000 I love when you can only hear a laugh, and when someone knows, they've been like, oh yeah, good point.

02:01:54.000 That kind of laugh.

02:01:56.000 My point was just trying to show you that you can't do Tinder.

02:01:58.000 I mean, there has to be so many things that you are actually missing.

02:02:02.000 That I'm so addicted to.

02:02:03.000 Tinder is one of the best examples of why I should not have a phone.

02:02:06.000 It's garbage.

02:02:07.000 It's awful.

02:02:08.000 It takes all your time.

02:02:10.000 Alright, what if something crazy happens, like, you know, like, terrorists?

02:02:14.000 Let's talk about it.

02:02:15.000 Let's hear it, yeah.

02:02:16.000 And you are, like, you know, walking in a park, and you hear all these explosions, people screaming, you go to your phone, and you're text-based, I don't know.

02:02:25.000 Everyone's gonna go to their phone!

02:02:26.000 Somebody's gonna be like, it's the fucking terrorists!

02:02:29.000 They say run that way!

02:02:30.000 Okay?

02:02:31.000 You probably checked your phone!

02:02:33.000 Run that way, you say?

02:02:35.000 Fine!

02:02:35.000 I'm not going to wait and fucking enter into my fucking search engine.

02:02:38.000 Well, you will be so easy to deceive.

02:02:39.000 That's what everybody does.

02:02:40.000 When they show up their apps, everyone's like, no, let me do it on my app.

02:02:42.000 Let me get the Google search.

02:02:44.000 So easy to deceive.

02:02:45.000 So easy.

02:02:46.000 I'll go down fast.

02:02:47.000 They're going to pull up the wrong website.

02:02:49.000 They're going to stick it in your face.

02:02:50.000 You didn't snopes it.

02:02:51.000 It's going to be one of those, like, Onion-type websites.

02:02:53.000 You didn't snopes it.

02:02:54.000 Yeah.

02:02:55.000 You just see Ari running.

02:02:56.000 You're running the wrong way.

02:02:59.000 Yeah.

02:02:59.000 There's no dragons.

02:03:01.000 You're freaking out.

02:03:02.000 They use your footage for their documentary of suckers.

02:03:07.000 These are dummies without Google.

02:03:11.000 Watch what happens to them.

02:03:12.000 Keep Google in your life.

02:03:14.000 You're on a road trip.

02:03:17.000 You're on the road doing a gig and you rent a car.

02:03:19.000 Give me a better example.

02:03:21.000 And you rent a car.

02:03:22.000 Yeah, with the GPS in it.

02:03:23.000 Yeah.

02:03:24.000 Say I didn't have GPS. They all have it now if I rent a car.

02:03:27.000 You get lost.

02:03:28.000 It's four in the morning.

02:03:29.000 You get completely lost.

02:03:30.000 Your car runs.

02:03:31.000 Then I'll do what I did in high school.

02:03:32.000 And I'll find my way home.

02:03:33.000 It'll be such a fun adventure.

02:03:35.000 It'll be such a fun adventure trying to find your way home.

02:03:38.000 We used to do it all the time.

02:03:40.000 I would just let myself get lost on purpose.

02:03:43.000 God, it was fun.

02:03:44.000 You learn your surroundings that way?

02:03:45.000 You really see a city?

02:03:46.000 That seems like a terrible suggestion.

02:03:48.000 Get lost on purpose.

02:03:49.000 I get it.

02:03:49.000 When I was in Shanghai and I had the fucking GPS telling me exactly which public transportation direction to get there.

02:03:54.000 That's amazing.

02:03:55.000 That's awesome.

02:03:55.000 And I'll miss that.

02:03:56.000 I might get a GPS. How about you just have a little discipline, boy, and let us have our fucking iPhone?

02:04:03.000 Your texting sucks.

02:04:05.000 Your voice quality sucks.

02:04:07.000 That's a shackle, son.

02:04:08.000 That's a technological shackle.

02:04:10.000 I'll tell you what I found really interesting.

02:04:12.000 And also, by the way, you can watch my special on your iPhones.

02:04:15.000 Yeah, you can't watch it on a flip phone.

02:04:17.000 No, you cannot watch it on my phone.

02:04:18.000 Please do not watch it on my flip phone.

02:04:22.000 The reaction people give me to me saying, I'm just doing this for a while, is really similar to the reaction smokers give when you say I'm quitting smoking, when pill poppers give when you say I'm done with pills or alcohol.

02:04:35.000 It's real similar.

02:04:36.000 People react sort of viscerally.

02:04:37.000 They get angry at you.

02:04:39.000 I'm feeling that right now.

02:04:41.000 You are.

02:04:42.000 You're getting mad.

02:04:43.000 Not so much you.

02:04:44.000 We're all talking.

02:04:45.000 What are you doing?

02:04:46.000 Stop that!

02:04:47.000 It's like, why do you care so much?

02:04:49.000 Well, people that have addictions, like if you're a coffee drinker and you go to have coffee with your friends every morning...

02:04:53.000 I don't do coffee, yeah.

02:04:54.000 But if you did.

02:04:55.000 Right, but when I say, no, I don't do that, then they go...

02:04:58.000 No, but I'm saying, what I'm saying is if a guy just quit on you, stopped drinking coffee, and you meet every day, like, you're not going to have coffee?

02:05:04.000 No, I don't want to.

02:05:05.000 I'm going to have a water.

02:05:06.000 Oh, boy, you're too good for coffee?

02:05:07.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:05:08.000 Come on, have a fucking coffee.

02:05:10.000 What are we doing having coffee?

02:05:11.000 But it's like, come on, you're getting rid of your iPhone?

02:05:13.000 Dude, we have iPhones.

02:05:14.000 We have iPhones.

02:05:15.000 That's what we do.

02:05:17.000 Don't fuck this up.

02:05:18.000 I want to be able to Google.

02:05:19.000 I want to be just like you.

02:05:20.000 I love it.

02:05:21.000 I love Googling.

02:05:21.000 I want an Uber.

02:05:22.000 Back and forth.

02:05:23.000 Back and forth.

02:05:24.000 It's like pros and cons.

02:05:26.000 They outweigh each other.

02:05:27.000 I'm gonna try this way for a little bit.

02:05:29.000 Why don't you just try this?

02:05:30.000 This is just.

02:05:31.000 This is just.

02:05:32.000 Why don't you just?

02:05:33.000 This is just.

02:05:34.000 Why don't you try this?

02:05:35.000 Why don't you try going back to an iPhone like a fucking human?

02:05:39.000 Yeah.

02:05:40.000 And then this is the move.

02:05:41.000 This is the move.

02:05:42.000 Just write a rule.

02:05:44.000 Write a rule where you can't look at your phone all day.

02:05:47.000 I had one where I was like, I won't even, I won't check it until I go, just let me go to a coffee shop, which is like a block away from me in New York.

02:05:53.000 Let me just go outside and then I can check it all from there.

02:05:56.000 And I was like, well, let me check once before I go out.

02:05:58.000 Give yourself three points in the day where you're allowed to text message.

02:06:03.000 Are you going to check text messages?

02:06:05.000 Can I translate that for you?

02:06:06.000 Are you going to tell him that about cigarettes?

02:06:08.000 I'm not telling him about it.

02:06:09.000 You only get three cigarettes, but then that's a good way to do it?

02:06:11.000 You know dogs that eat out of the litter box?

02:06:13.000 He's one of those.

02:06:14.000 And you yell at them a couple of times and you keep catching them fucking...

02:06:19.000 Torso deep into a litter box.

02:06:20.000 Chewing on cat shit.

02:06:22.000 Those dogs are always going to eat cat shit.

02:06:24.000 Why aren't they like it?

02:06:25.000 You've got to leave them alone.

02:06:28.000 But a smoker, are you going to tell them to smoke three a day?

02:06:31.000 I can't tell him that.

02:06:32.000 But I can tell you that.

02:06:34.000 But you wouldn't tell me to smoke three a day.

02:06:35.000 I would not tell you to smoke any cigarettes at all.

02:06:38.000 Because that's going to give you cancer.

02:06:39.000 But I don't think the cell phone is going to give you cancer if you check your text messages three times a day.

02:06:45.000 But it won't just be that.

02:06:46.000 You're right there.

02:06:47.000 Well, if you only give yourself three strikes.

02:06:48.000 Carry around a pack of cigarettes in your pocket and say don't smoke any.

02:06:51.000 Give yourself three strikes always.

02:06:52.000 Dude, they have these programs that you can say.

02:06:54.000 It lights up so you've gone over your hour.

02:06:56.000 I'm a man.

02:06:56.000 Internet use.

02:06:57.000 I'm a man.

02:06:58.000 I don't need no fucking program.

02:06:59.000 Just tell yourself.

02:07:00.000 I don't really think I need any of those things besides text and email.

02:07:04.000 Not text and email.

02:07:05.000 Do you still have a CompuServe email address?

02:07:05.000 Text and phone.

02:07:07.000 My agents, I tell them, like, if you need me to follow up with something right away, you're going to have to just call me or text me and say, hey, I sent you an email.

02:07:12.000 Check that.

02:07:13.000 Because business-wise, they always feel like that anyway.

02:07:15.000 Like, how can you ever check that email?

02:07:16.000 I'm like, I don't know.

02:07:17.000 It's been four hours.

02:07:18.000 They want you to be checking your email all day long.

02:07:18.000 Right.

02:07:20.000 You're in an office.

02:07:21.000 I'm not.

02:07:21.000 Yeah.

02:07:22.000 And it's weird that they don't want to talk to you on phone.

02:07:24.000 Just call you.

02:07:25.000 Just say, Ari, listen.

02:07:26.000 You've got to listen to this.

02:07:27.000 It's a new offer coming in.

02:07:29.000 They want you to shave your beard.

02:07:30.000 Porn.

02:07:31.000 I get it, man.

02:07:32.000 Yeah, porn.

02:07:32.000 I gotta drag my whole fucking laptop over my bed like a goddamn fucking...

02:07:36.000 Savage.

02:07:37.000 Cave person.

02:07:37.000 Like an asshole.

02:07:38.000 What do you do with it when you're done?

02:07:39.000 You can't just fucking...

02:07:40.000 God, it's awful.

02:07:42.000 The battery runs out so quick.

02:07:43.000 The battery runs out.

02:07:46.000 Poor Ari.

02:07:47.000 It's not like...

02:07:48.000 I think it's great for that.

02:07:50.000 Damn, it feels good to be a gangster.

02:07:52.000 Yeah.

02:07:52.000 Ari Shafir giving as little fucks as possible, slinging some 1996 technology.

02:07:57.000 So Adam Eby says, like, do you have a special and a show coming out?

02:07:59.000 Why do you have a flip phone?

02:08:01.000 It seems like that's not even the best one you can get.

02:08:04.000 Oh, no.

02:08:04.000 I researched it.

02:08:05.000 It's pretty good.

02:08:06.000 Damn, it feels good to be a gangster.

02:08:07.000 This one's one of the better ones.

02:08:08.000 Really?

02:08:09.000 300 contacts.

02:08:11.000 Yeah, I didn't realize that would be an issue until it was like, no fucking way, some of these are 100 contacts.

02:08:16.000 Wow.

02:08:17.000 Yeah, you gotta decide.

02:08:19.000 This one has 300, so that's good.

02:08:20.000 300 plus, I think.

02:08:22.000 You don't need 300. Dude, it's like for phone calls, for calling people, pretty fucking dope.

02:08:27.000 Yeah, you get right up to your ear.

02:08:29.000 Yeah.

02:08:30.000 Does it have Bluetooth?

02:08:31.000 Uh-huh.

02:08:32.000 So does it sync up with a car?

02:08:32.000 It does.

02:08:33.000 Have you done that yet?

02:08:34.000 No, but I could, but I don't drive.

02:08:35.000 But I Bluetooth it from the other phone.

02:08:38.000 Where do they fit it?

02:08:41.000 Between the battery and all the phone shit.

02:08:43.000 But when you think about it, man, like, there's something satisfying about, like, going, well, you know?

02:08:49.000 Oh, yeah, hanging up just like that.

02:08:50.000 It does feel good.

02:08:51.000 That part feels good.

02:08:52.000 That's a pro.

02:08:52.000 All right, take care, man.

02:08:53.000 Slight pro.

02:08:54.000 That's pretty dope.

02:08:55.000 I'm sure you get a case that would do that.

02:08:56.000 They should have that for iPhone cases.

02:08:57.000 It's a slap shot.

02:08:57.000 They did.

02:08:58.000 And there's no, like, pocket calls or stupid shit.

02:09:02.000 There's no pocket texting or you open up and your phone's on Spotify.

02:09:07.000 There's a lot of unexpected things.

02:09:08.000 Oh, yeah, exactly.

02:09:09.000 What is that?

02:09:09.000 How did it do that?

02:09:10.000 My dick's trying to make a call.

02:09:16.000 Thanks.

02:09:16.000 Yeah, this is pretty dumb, dude.

02:09:18.000 I would have to have a phone, too.

02:09:19.000 When I went and started doing way more sets in New York, doing three or four at night, my body reacted weird after a while.

02:09:24.000 I was like, oh, I think there's too many spots.

02:09:26.000 Because I was, like, not really getting the most out of them.

02:09:28.000 And then I just overcame that, like, learning curve.

02:09:31.000 And I was like, oh, actually, okay.

02:09:32.000 If I just gear up for it, this is fine.

02:09:34.000 But it just felt too many because it was twice or three times as many I was getting before.

02:09:37.000 You know?

02:09:38.000 But then it was like, had to get used to it, and now it's like, cool, I like that.

02:09:41.000 And now if I have one spot at night in New York, it's like, oh, come on, that's, are we wasting it?

02:09:46.000 Oh, that's interesting.

02:09:47.000 Yeah.

02:09:47.000 So a lot of these, with this phone, where it's like, oh, I gotta have that.

02:09:50.000 It's like, easy, get over it.

02:09:52.000 Just like cigarette urges, where it's like, if you wait 10 minutes before smoking, that's a good way to quit smoking.

02:09:57.000 If you wait 10 minutes every time you have an urge.

02:09:59.000 And then if you still have the urge, go for it.

02:10:01.000 Yeah, but to me, it's like promoting shows.

02:10:03.000 I'm like, oh, I need to promote shows while I'm on the road.

02:10:06.000 You know, I'm like going to get something to eat.

02:10:08.000 Yeah, I definitely got to be better about doing that for my computer.

02:10:10.000 But you can time tweets out from Hootsuite.

02:10:12.000 Real easy.

02:10:13.000 Yeah, but sometimes, you know.

02:10:14.000 Yeah, sometimes, sure.

02:10:15.000 And then there's sometimes you write a whole bit because you're meeting someone and you're not in your phone checking your fucking Instagram.

02:10:21.000 And you have a bit about that meeting.

02:10:25.000 I mean, you said it.

02:10:26.000 You've seen all the people on stage doing jokes about apps.

02:10:28.000 It's non-stop.

02:10:29.000 That's everybody's life.

02:10:30.000 I guess I use my phone for way more than just Twitter.

02:10:33.000 But you also use it for way more than just work.

02:10:36.000 Yeah.

02:10:37.000 But I mean, I'm using it as my voice recorder on stage.

02:10:39.000 I'm using it for my ways on the way home here to see which way I should drive home so I'm not wasting an extra hour in traffic.

02:10:46.000 Right, right, right.

02:10:47.000 You know, there's just so many, like, little things that...

02:10:51.000 Like, I mean, do we eat 24?

02:10:53.000 So when I get home, there's going to be food waiting for me.

02:10:56.000 You know, there's so many little things that, you know...

02:11:00.000 Yeah, but you don't have a problem with being addicted to your phone.

02:11:03.000 It doesn't freak you out.

02:11:05.000 I think what Ari's doing is...

02:11:07.000 I didn't like what life was becoming.

02:11:09.000 You're trying to optimize the way you think, and you're trying to optimize where you focus your attention on.

02:11:14.000 And you felt like you were spending too much time just staring at a little device, and it was taking away from the way you think, taking away from the way you interact with people.

02:11:22.000 Yeah, totally.

02:11:23.000 Totally taken away from the way I interact with people.

02:11:25.000 Absolutely, yeah.

02:11:26.000 Yeah, well, just saying that, you saying that, and, you know, taking it into consideration, it made me reconsider it.

02:11:32.000 There's this etiquette that's evolving with it now, where people are on it during dinner a lot, you know?

02:11:36.000 And then it's like, well, we don't know if you're supposed to or not, because it's such a fast-changing thing that we haven't built a fucking, a way of, a manner system around it.

02:11:44.000 So we're developing it now, you know?

02:11:46.000 It's becoming more and more like, put your phone away, it's dinner time.

02:11:49.000 right you know right right but it's like we have to develop we don't know it's just getting it's busier and busier and all the time and yeah it takes you away from who who you're around isn't that what hipsters say isn't that what the whole thing that a hipster is what it's like against the you know that's not hipster yeah it is what's the term of hipster right that's exactly the term of it against the norm what are you thinking about goths also and about like all those groups are against like the norm Yeah,

02:12:14.000 I mean, hipsters are just one of those groups that's sort of...

02:12:18.000 Hipsters are just uber fashionable.

02:12:19.000 Well, they're just fighting against what they think is like a staid and boring standard.

02:12:26.000 But yeah, fighting against the currently accepted dress codes and all that shit.

02:12:26.000 Yeah.

02:12:32.000 Wearing cardigans.

02:12:33.000 There's something to like, you know how when you're on stage and you can't think of a joke and you're just like doing it anyway but you need an ending and the panic in your mind will force you to create an ending right then?

02:12:41.000 Sometimes, yeah.

02:12:42.000 If you don't have your phone to go to when you're in an uncomfortable social situation, you'll feel that uncomfort level for a while and then your body will like, I don't like feeling this way.

02:12:51.000 So instead of going to my phone, that was a way out.

02:12:53.000 Now it's like, oh hey, you're a Raiders fan too?

02:12:56.000 Yeah, I fucking, man, whatever.

02:12:58.000 I had some good years there.

02:12:59.000 Whatever it is.

02:13:00.000 Just something to get out of this uncomfortable thing.

02:13:04.000 I just met somebody and hung out with them and tried to make a new friend.

02:13:08.000 And they're on Uber all day.

02:13:10.000 Yeah, or you're on Uber.

02:13:11.000 Instagram and I'm a storm.

02:13:13.000 Facebooking up the place.

02:13:15.000 Just following those cars.

02:13:16.000 Tweeting up a storm and Facebooking up the joint.

02:13:20.000 I can see it, girl.

02:13:21.000 Facebook offers nothing to your life anymore.

02:13:23.000 But it does, if you like Facebook.

02:13:25.000 God.

02:13:27.000 For some people, Facebook is their life.

02:13:29.000 It's like their community of friends of friends that you're like, I don't even know most of these people.

02:13:33.000 Most people don't know most of their Facebook friends.

02:13:36.000 Have no memory.

02:13:36.000 Right.

02:13:37.000 They have to really think hard.

02:13:39.000 And they're just an online community.

02:13:40.000 I don't know.

02:13:41.000 It's cool.

02:13:41.000 It's okay.

02:13:42.000 But then you're missing other parts.

02:13:42.000 That part's cool.

02:13:43.000 What do you think about the potential for virtual realities online?

02:13:47.000 Have you ever talked to Duncan about this?

02:13:50.000 Yeah, he may show me his Oculus game.

02:13:52.000 Have you seen the new version or the old version?

02:13:54.000 No, I saw one from like a few months ago.

02:13:56.000 Yeah, I haven't seen the new one either.

02:13:58.000 But he called me at the improv one night with fever depression.

02:14:01.000 Pitching his voice, man!

02:14:03.000 It's a fucking game changer, man!

02:14:06.000 Dude, this is fucking bigger than the internet!

02:14:09.000 This is bigger than space travel!

02:14:11.000 This is bigger than anything!

02:14:12.000 He told me about this Oculus Rift where this guy goes into this room and it's all in like 4K HD and he said you really feel like you're in this room and you walk up to a piano and you interact with this guy that's at the piano and he's like it is a mind fuck.

02:14:27.000 He said it's so stunning and so realistic that it just makes you realize oh my god this is like If technology, inevitably, we all agree, is going to continue to get better.

02:14:39.000 I mean, we've all experienced nothing but that in our life.

02:14:41.000 There's been some bottlenecks along the way, but people always figure out some new power source or some new battery supply.

02:14:47.000 People figure out how to get...

02:14:49.000 People, unlike any of us in this room, right?

02:14:50.000 They figure out how to get through that shit.

02:14:52.000 We assume that they're going to keep doing that.

02:14:54.000 And if they keep doing that, if they're at that now, in 2015, this insanely fucking rich, high-definition, Oculus Rift where you're looking around, it almost feels like you're in the room.

02:15:05.000 Apparently, the way they filmed it, they put cameras all over the guy.

02:15:08.000 So, like, everywhere you look, like, they have, like, an image for that.

02:15:08.000 Yeah.

02:15:12.000 Like, you can look down, you can look up, you can look at the sky, you can walk through the room and look behind you.

02:15:12.000 Wow.

02:15:16.000 Like, you're walking into it like it's a three-dimensional environment.

02:15:20.000 And they're going to be able to do that with these, they have these, like, circular treadmills.

02:15:25.000 They're 3D treadmills.

02:15:26.000 So it's like the holosuite from Star Wars, Star Trek.

02:15:29.000 Yes, yes.

02:15:30.000 You're just running around in these things.

02:15:31.000 You put the headgear on, and you run around on this multi-directional treadmill.

02:15:37.000 The treadmill goes left and right and back and forth, and as you're moving around on it, eventually you get a groove with what you're seeing in your headset and what you're feeling when you're running around, and you're running through this artificial world.

02:15:51.000 This is gonna get really intense, man.

02:15:51.000 Wow.

02:15:54.000 Yeah, then what are the long-term effects of that?

02:15:56.000 And short-term, it's like, oh, I don't know.

02:15:57.000 But long-term is something different, too.

02:15:59.000 How does it feel once you...

02:16:00.000 The kids today, like your kids...

02:16:02.000 A lot of people get sick from it, though.

02:16:03.000 Oh, yeah, it's nausea.

02:16:05.000 That's what they kept saying in South Park, too.

02:16:06.000 It's like, I'm kind of nauseous.

02:16:07.000 Yeah, some people have a really hard time with car sickness and shit.

02:16:10.000 It's not quite even with it.

02:16:11.000 You don't know which way it's going, or you look down, and it looks a little bit less down than you're looking.

02:16:15.000 Yeah, I have one and it kind of makes me, after like a good three minutes, I'm like, alright, I gotta take it off.

02:16:15.000 Yeah.

02:16:20.000 Because it didn't read your eyeballs.

02:16:21.000 So if you look down, then you look into there, but then you look further down with your eyeballs, you know?

02:16:25.000 But it just reads that your head is going down.

02:16:27.000 Maybe.

02:16:27.000 Hmm.

02:16:28.000 Because when I'm in a front seat on Laurel Canyon and not driving, I don't know when it's going to turn right or left.

02:16:33.000 That's when I get the most nauseous.

02:16:34.000 What they're going to do eventually, they're going to be able to 3D map your body, and you're going to be able to just show up, like kick in the door of an orgy, and chicks are just going to hop onto your dick, and you're going to feel it.

02:16:48.000 You're going to feel them touching your body, feel them touching, you're going to go into this thing with electrodes placed in various spots in your head.

02:16:55.000 I mean, if you make it perfectly real, perfectly real, where your body can't tell a difference, then...

02:17:00.000 I mean, you're not really going to have a reason to leave.

02:17:01.000 The only reason to leave and see the outside world is because, like, well, you can't replace reality.

02:17:05.000 But if you can replace reality, then it's like, really, there's no difference.

02:17:08.000 Stay there.

02:17:09.000 You would want to live in somewhere that really sucks.

02:17:11.000 Like Montana in the winter.

02:17:13.000 Just for like a day?

02:17:14.000 Yeah, just where it's really brutal.

02:17:16.000 You want just to appreciate the reality difference between what this artificial world is that you have in your little computer setup and what the real world is outside.

02:17:25.000 I wonder if you get happiness getting sun in the artificial world.

02:17:27.000 I'll bet you.

02:17:28.000 If I would fill you with vitamin D. Sun while you're getting blown on the beach.

02:17:32.000 Come on, sun.

02:17:33.000 You know, you're at the mast of a boat.

02:17:35.000 Dr. King's real dream.

02:17:36.000 Hanging on.

02:17:36.000 You've got it wrapped around your wrist several times.

02:17:38.000 You're holding onto the mast.

02:17:40.000 You're being pulled across the ocean.

02:17:43.000 You can do all those things like that?

02:17:45.000 While chicks are blowing you.

02:17:48.000 Wow.

02:17:49.000 Come on.

02:17:49.000 That'd be great.

02:17:50.000 That's living.

02:17:51.000 That'd be great.

02:17:53.000 I mean, if we really do come up with some sort of technology that replicates that, I mean, what incentive do people have to engage in regular life?

02:18:02.000 So let's just assume they're going to stop, because I don't see a reason why they would.

02:18:02.000 So they're not going to.

02:18:06.000 That's scary as fuck.

02:18:07.000 To think that you could create an artificial world that would be so intoxicating...

02:18:11.000 That people wouldn't want to participate in the regular world.

02:18:14.000 We're on that direction now.

02:18:15.000 As soon as this podcast ends, you both, all three of you, and I would have too, are going to bury yourself in your phone for the next 30 minutes.

02:18:21.000 Incorrect, sir.

02:18:22.000 Incorrect.

02:18:23.000 My willpower is outstanding.

02:18:26.000 You feel a nagging at you at all times too, right?

02:18:28.000 I certainly do.

02:18:29.000 That's like a pull.

02:18:30.000 I gotta check this.

02:18:31.000 I gotta check this.

02:18:31.000 I gotta stop.

02:18:32.000 I'm getting way better at it.

02:18:33.000 I'm getting way better at putting it down, just leaving it somewhere.

02:18:36.000 Developing a manner system about it.

02:18:38.000 But people get upset.

02:18:39.000 That's the other thing.

02:18:40.000 If someone texts you and they'll text you three hours later or not, Like, sorry, I just got back to my phone.

02:18:47.000 Like, I put it down for a while.

02:18:48.000 I don't want to be always available at all times.

02:18:51.000 You can't go see a movie?

02:18:52.000 People, like, don't even give you time for that.

02:18:54.000 I plug it in and just, like, drop it off, and I forget I even have it on.

02:18:57.000 You gotta do that.

02:18:58.000 I think you gotta disconnect.

02:18:59.000 And I know you promote shows, and you promote shows, and I promote shows, and, you know, like, you...

02:19:05.000 You can use that as an excuse, but I think there's something very admirable about what you're doing.

02:19:09.000 I think there's some wisdom in what you're doing, too.

02:19:12.000 Well, that's all I wanted.

02:19:13.000 Some goddamn respect.

02:19:14.000 Yeah, I'm respecting it.

02:19:15.000 I think it's the move.

02:19:16.000 I think to have both is the move, but to give that to your closest friends, I think that's the move.

02:19:23.000 So when you have to do some horseshit, you know, you got to do some fucking tax problems, you got to call on a...

02:19:29.000 You had that guy...

02:19:30.000 Sign this and fax it back to me.

02:19:31.000 That motherfucker.

02:19:32.000 Do all that shit on the phone.

02:19:33.000 Do that on the iPhone.

02:19:34.000 But all your friends, your actual real social interactions, if you put someone in your regular flip phone, you really care about them.

02:19:40.000 You just keep this in your car, just in case if you need to drive or go see a good restaurant's near.

02:19:45.000 I keep it in my car, so I couldn't even use it in my bed.

02:19:45.000 Yeah, that's what I do.

02:19:48.000 Yeah, and you keep that on you, so just to make...

02:19:50.000 Maybe I'll plug the battery into the thing and then superglue that.

02:19:55.000 So I literally cannot unplug it from the car charger ever again.

02:19:58.000 Yeah, why?

02:19:59.000 I'm not going to leave it in my car.

02:20:00.000 That's actually a good move.

02:20:02.000 Yeah.

02:20:03.000 I mean, you could always, like, break it loose and go, some fucking asshole superglued my charger to my phone.

02:20:09.000 Can you fix this?

02:20:11.000 They'd just get you a new one, I guess.

02:20:12.000 But that'd be too hard to get on right then to go on Twitter.

02:20:15.000 You need AppleCare.

02:20:15.000 They probably have a Kensington lock or a case that has a Kensington lock, which is just a case that you can just connect it to, like, a wire.

02:20:24.000 Kind of what they use as displays at Apple stores where you can't steal it.

02:20:28.000 Oh yeah, something like that.

02:20:29.000 Oh, like it glues to it and it clamps on the outside of it.

02:20:33.000 Yeah, I guess if they have them at Best Buy, they would have to be able to sell them to regular people.

02:20:38.000 It's not like it's government secrets or some shit.

02:20:40.000 You could probably buy one of those.

02:20:42.000 Yeah, you probably could.

02:20:43.000 You just keep that shit in your car.

02:20:45.000 Or maybe in your house.

02:20:47.000 Great, let's go to an Apple store after here and we'll get you an iPhone.

02:20:50.000 Why do you get that crazy?

02:20:52.000 The care, the care that I need to get in the game.

02:20:55.000 I'm off the train for a little bit.

02:20:56.000 He's that heroin junkie.

02:20:57.000 I'm not off the grid, I'm just off the train.

02:20:59.000 It's hard to track you with that phone.

02:21:01.000 Where you at?

02:21:02.000 That didn't catch on, the where you at thing.

02:21:04.000 Oh, there's the button where I can track my friends at all times.

02:21:07.000 That was one of the, there's several things that stand out as being ridiculous to call racist.

02:21:14.000 One of them was, do you know what happened with Margaret Cho at the Golden Globes?

02:21:17.000 Do you know about this thing?

02:21:18.000 Margaret Cho at the Golden Globes played Kim Jong-un's publicist from North Korea.

02:21:18.000 Mm-mm.

02:21:25.000 She put, like, white face on, like, put on, like, pale makeup, and, like, played the dictator, or a dictator, or someone who works for the dictator, right?

02:21:25.000 Oh, really?

02:21:34.000 And people were saying that it's racist.

02:21:36.000 I'm like, dude, she's fucking Korean.

02:21:39.000 That's the race she is.

02:21:40.000 She said it's not racist, it's racist.

02:21:43.000 Margaret Cho didn't give a fuck, huh?

02:21:46.000 She's great.

02:21:47.000 Well, she's fucking Korean.

02:21:49.000 Not only that, she's a mixed North Korean and South Korean.

02:21:52.000 Okay, so fuck off, man.

02:21:54.000 She can say whatever she wants.

02:21:55.000 Like, it's just people are just waiting.

02:21:57.000 They are just sweaty trigger fingers ready to be offended.

02:22:01.000 I'm offended.

02:22:01.000 Here's the problem.

02:22:02.000 Saying something's racist is not racist.

02:22:04.000 Just saying a racist thing is not racist.

02:22:06.000 Acts are racist.

02:22:08.000 Murdering people because they're black, that's racist.

02:22:10.000 Just saying, I hate black people, you haven't done anything to the world.

02:22:14.000 So fine, so it's racist.

02:22:15.000 You haven't done anything.

02:22:16.000 Go after people who are actually doing something.

02:22:18.000 Yeah, I guess.

02:22:19.000 Said, oh, this guy has that opinion.

02:22:21.000 Okay, so let him have that opinion.

02:22:23.000 Just ignore him.

02:22:24.000 That's him being his racist self.

02:22:26.000 Fine.

02:22:26.000 But you can't not hire black people at your company.

02:22:28.000 Or we're going to run you out of here.

02:22:30.000 That's the line.

02:22:31.000 Doing something.

02:22:32.000 Yeah, but you don't want a hostile work environment.

02:22:34.000 No, you don't want someone who's going up to people and saying, fuck you, chink.

02:22:37.000 You don't want that.

02:22:38.000 Obviously, I chose chink because the other one's going to be too divisive.

02:22:41.000 The other word?

02:22:43.000 Are you going to say that?

02:22:43.000 The end one.

02:22:44.000 I was thinking of it.

02:22:44.000 No.

02:22:45.000 I switched last minute and came up with junk.

02:22:47.000 You don't want that, but if someone wants to think that, then fucking fine.

02:22:51.000 Just don't do anything about it.

02:22:52.000 It's not fine, right?

02:22:52.000 You don't want them around you, right?

02:22:55.000 But that's not up to you.

02:22:57.000 I don't want fucking Raiders fans around me either.

02:22:59.000 But that's not up to me.

02:23:00.000 Okay, Ari, if you start a factory, you're producing Ari Shafir t-shirts, and you're in that office all day long, and you choose to answer the phone because you want to take care of this business correct, and you hire two guys, and one of them turns out to be racist, and every day he says a bunch of stupid racist shit, and he poisons the environment.

02:23:15.000 He's making the environment bad.

02:23:16.000 That's different.

02:23:17.000 Anybody that's racist or sexist...

02:23:17.000 Well, they all are.

02:23:20.000 No, if they say something at home and I find out they say something later outside of office hours at home, then no, that's not a problem for my office.

02:23:26.000 Not outside of...

02:23:27.000 Okay.

02:23:27.000 It's legal to join the Klan.

02:23:29.000 Wow.

02:23:30.000 It's legal to do this very outspokenly racist thing.

02:23:34.000 That's legal.

02:23:34.000 You know the Klan is trying to invite Puerto Ricans in?

02:23:37.000 Really?

02:23:38.000 Why?

02:23:38.000 They're inviting all these other people in.

02:23:40.000 Shoring up?

02:23:41.000 They're trying to expand their horizons.

02:23:42.000 Seems like a mistake.

02:23:43.000 No, they're not.

02:23:44.000 Yes, they are.

02:23:44.000 Oh, my God.

02:23:45.000 That's amazing.

02:23:46.000 Here, I'll pull up a story.

02:23:48.000 The KKK is trying to expand their horizons.

02:23:50.000 Doesn't seem like a good idea.

02:23:53.000 What?

02:23:53.000 Inviting minorities?

02:23:54.000 Nah, just Puerto Ricans.

02:23:56.000 Why bother?

02:23:57.000 Well, I think they're trying to say this is the new plan.

02:23:59.000 All it does to vilify people that say racist things is make it so that no one can speak.

02:24:03.000 The KKK is accepting black members.

02:24:06.000 Here is what is actually happening.

02:24:08.000 This is hilarious.

02:24:10.000 Yeah, just come into the clubhouse, guys.

02:24:12.000 Just go through the stories.

02:24:13.000 Insexual Jewish people?

02:24:14.000 Yes, you read correctly.

02:24:15.000 Expanding to accept African Americans.

02:24:17.000 Man, you would really have to hate other black people to join the KKK as a black guy.

02:24:21.000 Click on it instead of just...

02:24:23.000 Yeah, we're having a bit of an issue here.

02:24:28.000 Well, in this time, I guess I should tell you guys that starting a week from Thursday, my storyteller show, This Is Not Happening, is on every night after At Midnight.

02:24:35.000 Oh, good lord.

02:24:36.000 That's amazing.

02:24:37.000 People who do it include, from this podcast, Joe Rogan and me.

02:24:41.000 Incredible.

02:24:42.000 Kreischer's on.

02:24:43.000 Diaz is on.

02:24:44.000 A bunch of people.

02:24:45.000 D.L. Hughley, Rob Corddry.

02:24:47.000 Oh, my goodness.

02:24:49.000 Segura.

02:24:50.000 Powerful Tom Segura.

02:24:52.000 Fucking bunch of people.

02:24:53.000 Miss Pat.

02:24:55.000 I'm forgetting a lot.

02:24:56.000 But anyway, eight weeks.

02:24:57.000 Oh, there it is.

02:24:57.000 There it is.

02:24:58.000 I think you're going to see a full episode right now if you go to the Comedy Central app or Comedy Central stand-up app.

02:25:02.000 I got to tell you, I like the classic jacket you're wearing there.

02:25:05.000 You like that?

02:25:05.000 I got that in Hong Kong.

02:25:06.000 It looks good.

02:25:07.000 It looks very good.

02:25:09.000 They told me I had to break out one outfit the whole time.

02:25:12.000 And I was like, you know what?

02:25:13.000 That was the right time for this suit.

02:25:15.000 Yeah, how many suits do you have?

02:25:16.000 Two now.

02:25:17.000 I got them both made in Hong Kong.

02:25:18.000 Damn.

02:25:19.000 I had a third, but that was like, move out to LA, find a real job.

02:25:21.000 Did you decide, like, the style?

02:25:23.000 Did you just pick something off the wall?

02:25:24.000 He helped me decide, uh-uh, it was handmade.

02:25:26.000 That looks nice.

02:25:27.000 I mean, a style off the wall?

02:25:29.000 Do they have a style to choose from?

02:25:30.000 Yeah, there's like a few different cuts you can choose.

02:25:33.000 Rocky, he's the best.

02:25:34.000 That's amazing, dude.

02:25:35.000 You're wearing tailored suits.

02:25:37.000 That's dope as fuck.

02:25:38.000 300 bucks.

02:25:39.000 Son, you're a baller.

02:25:40.000 You're an international baller.

02:25:42.000 International baller.

02:25:43.000 Look at you, Shafir!

02:25:45.000 And it's not herpes.

02:25:46.000 I remember when you were a doorman at the Comedy Store, now you're an international motherfucking baller.

02:25:51.000 A true American success story, ladies and gentlemen.

02:25:54.000 True American.

02:25:55.000 Holla at your boy, Ari Shaffir.

02:25:57.000 Thanks.

02:25:58.000 Yeah.

02:25:59.000 Yeah, are you excited to have your special play?

02:26:01.000 I'm excited.

02:26:02.000 I've got to be honest, man.

02:26:03.000 The people who listen to this podcast are the reason I was able to do that.

02:26:07.000 Comedy Central would even come up to a guy like me.

02:26:09.000 It's because of the force behind this thing.

02:26:11.000 There's no way.

02:26:12.000 I can try to be as good as I want, but if I'm an outsider, which I was, that's it.

02:26:16.000 They ain't coming calling that way.

02:26:17.000 Yeah, you know, there's no outsiders anymore.

02:26:19.000 You know, this is the, like, these kind of shows, internet shows, where there's no network behind it.

02:26:19.000 Yeah.

02:26:24.000 That's the last bridge.

02:26:26.000 You know, the last bridge between just straight comics.

02:26:26.000 Yeah.

02:26:28.000 It's like, I'll just find my own people.

02:26:28.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:26:29.000 Yeah.

02:26:30.000 So people found me, and that's great, and they put the money behind it, do a cool special at the comedy store, make it look all cool.

02:26:35.000 Yeah, don't play any of it.

02:26:37.000 It looks great though.

02:26:38.000 The stage looks great.

02:26:41.000 I like the way that came out.

02:26:42.000 Yeah, it looks awesome.

02:26:43.000 I mean, it's so obviously the OR, but yet with like a little twist to it with those lights behind you.

02:26:49.000 That's really cool.

02:26:50.000 Just like ever so slightly.

02:26:51.000 I took it down so much.

02:26:52.000 Yeah.

02:26:53.000 No, no, no, no.

02:26:54.000 Why this light bulb?

02:26:55.000 Get it out.

02:26:56.000 Why this light bulb?

02:26:56.000 Get it out.

02:26:57.000 No, get it out.

02:26:58.000 Yeah, that fucking room is magical.

02:27:01.000 Oh, that looks great.

02:27:01.000 That room doesn't leave any...

02:27:03.000 There's no space for horseshit in that room.

02:27:06.000 There's no space for horseshit, yeah.

02:27:07.000 It's weird.

02:27:08.000 It's weird.

02:27:09.000 Try to riff and it's like, good luck.

02:27:10.000 Well, you can.

02:27:11.000 You can.

02:27:12.000 That's a bad example.

02:27:13.000 I mean, like, if it's not all there and you're like, oh, that should have worked.

02:27:15.000 Like, no, it wasn't good.

02:27:16.000 It made a bad riff.

02:27:17.000 It's okay.

02:27:18.000 They're not going to just laugh anyway.

02:27:19.000 Well, it just forces you into that position where you really got to try hard to find the right words.

02:27:24.000 And, like, that's one of the things that I was talking about earlier about this time that we're in right now.

02:27:28.000 One of the cool things about it is that there's so many other really funny guys around that we're all feeding off each other, and you get inspired by each other.

02:27:36.000 So, like, everything is sort of ramped up, and even in your mind, like, all your connections to comedy, your ideas are sort of ramped up because there's all these really good guys around you all the time.

02:27:47.000 You know?

02:27:48.000 I think that's huge for any sort of artistic...

02:27:50.000 Oh yeah, absolutely.

02:27:51.000 The bar.

02:27:52.000 You see the bar set higher.

02:27:53.000 Yeah.

02:27:54.000 Once you see the bar set all high, it's like, well, that's what I should be aiming for.

02:27:57.000 If you fall short of that, which you will in the beginning anyway, then it's like you're falling short at a 50th percentile.

02:28:01.000 But if the bar is set at 40, Yeah.

02:28:04.000 If you fall barely short, you're still 39. Well, I think also one of the things that we sort of exhibited after I left the Comedy Store and when we started doing a lot of shit on the internet and started doing this podcast is that we're all sort of like banding together.

02:28:21.000 As like a group.

02:28:23.000 Like there's a group of comedians that are all banding together.

02:28:27.000 And the more everybody else does good, the more everybody else does good.

02:28:30.000 They like more comedy.

02:28:31.000 I see people see Fultron.

02:28:33.000 Like I saw my Fultron.

02:28:34.000 Great, man.

02:28:34.000 Yeah, you should know about him.

02:28:35.000 He's in your town.

02:28:36.000 You should go.

02:28:37.000 The guy's like that.

02:28:37.000 It's like, go.

02:28:38.000 Everybody's feeding off everybody.

02:28:39.000 And it's getting to this really interesting pitch.

02:28:43.000 And if you look at great communities of musicians, great communities of comics, like the old Boston days that everybody always talks about, I think this day right now is the heyday.

02:28:56.000 We're in the heyday right now.

02:28:58.000 When I look around...

02:28:59.000 Golden era.

02:28:59.000 Absolutely.

02:29:00.000 I agree with you.

02:29:00.000 Golden era.

02:29:01.000 Without any of us in this room, when I look, just extract us from the equation, just look at all the...

02:29:05.000 If you were just a comedy fan that was an insurance salesman or whatever, this is maybe the best time ever.

02:29:11.000 Yeah.

02:29:12.000 There's so many guys I want to see right now.

02:29:14.000 And one of those guys has a special premiering Friday the 16th at midnight, 1159, and his storyteller show premiering January 22nd at...

02:29:23.000 But you should just buy it and get the extra footage of Ari Schaeffer the Great.

02:29:27.000 Yeah, but some people just don't open up the e-wallets that way.

02:29:29.000 If you're not a buyer, then you're not a buyer.

02:29:31.000 Still watch it.

02:29:31.000 Yeah, but just for the GNA, I think.

02:29:34.000 How do you feel about people pirating the GNA? Is that ultra insulting?

02:29:38.000 No.

02:29:38.000 What do you mean?

02:29:39.000 Why would it be insulting if someone said, Hey everybody, look at this awesome thing!

02:29:42.000 Hey everybody, come look at this thing!

02:29:44.000 Because they're pirating your Jew in A. Do you not understand what I'm saying?

02:29:47.000 It's a goddamn cheap joke.

02:29:49.000 Oh, I get it.

02:29:50.000 I get it.

02:29:51.000 I get it.

02:29:52.000 Sorry.

02:29:52.000 My fault.

02:29:53.000 You're a non-Jewish supporter of pirating.

02:29:57.000 Like, you never give a fuck.

02:29:58.000 Never give a fuck.

02:29:59.000 You don't have this attitude, like, trying to maximize your income.

02:30:02.000 That's how people get you.

02:30:03.000 Yeah.

02:30:05.000 Of course.

02:30:06.000 That's how they get you.

02:30:07.000 The GNA is only available for the download.

02:30:08.000 So if you don't get by the download, how else are you going to see it?

02:30:11.000 Other than somebody fucking doing something with it.

02:30:13.000 Somebody saying, hey, you should come see this.

02:30:15.000 Mm-hmm.

02:30:16.000 That's the way people, you know, the old wrestling tapes were like that.

02:30:18.000 Let me show you all this wrestling match you didn't know about.

02:30:21.000 That's how you fucking, that's why I just did a wrestling thing with wrestling.

02:30:24.000 Yeah.

02:30:24.000 Wrestling?

02:30:25.000 People used to trade tapes because the regional ones were on local TV. Oh, good lord.

02:30:29.000 So people would have old tapes and like, oh, look at this guy's moves.

02:30:32.000 It wasn't pirating.

02:30:34.000 It was like sharing information.

02:30:36.000 That's all this shit is.

02:30:38.000 I couldn't put up my own hotel set because Viacom would have kept taking it down.

02:30:42.000 Really?

02:30:42.000 I had to call Comedy Central.

02:30:43.000 I'm like, can you please put up my hotel set?

02:30:45.000 And they're like, yeah, okay.

02:30:46.000 Wow.

02:30:47.000 But it's like, let me disperse my information.

02:30:51.000 Yeah, I think people are under the impression that if something's online, they won't watch the television as much.

02:30:57.000 They're separate markets.

02:30:58.000 Separate markets.

02:30:59.000 You know, Bo Burnham released his special on Netflix and YouTube.

02:31:03.000 Yeah.

02:31:04.000 Well, he's a YouTube celebrity.

02:31:05.000 I know, but the people who watch shit like that on YouTube are not the kind of people who watch...

02:31:09.000 It's just like they're sort of separate.

02:31:10.000 There's a little overlap, but they're sort of separate.

02:31:13.000 I watch concerts online, and also overall for ticket sales.

02:31:17.000 It's great.

02:31:18.000 Well, there's also enough people that spend that seven bucks a month every month on Netflix, and it's just as easy to get it through Netflix.

02:31:23.000 Yeah.

02:31:24.000 Like, there's so many options of things that you can watch if you watch something like Netflix.

02:31:29.000 Yeah.

02:31:29.000 And no commercials.

02:31:31.000 Seven bucks.

02:31:31.000 No commercials.

02:31:33.000 Hulu has commercials, right?

02:31:34.000 Hulu has commercials, yeah.

02:31:36.000 The same ones.

02:31:36.000 Annoying ones.

02:31:37.000 Why are you showing the same commercial three times in an episode?

02:31:40.000 It is pretty fast, though.

02:31:42.000 They're trying to steal your soul.

02:31:43.000 They crank it extra loud, too.

02:31:44.000 They don't have those rules on them.

02:31:46.000 Come on, man.

02:31:47.000 My neighbors are fucking listening.

02:31:48.000 Yeah.

02:31:48.000 Like if you're watching The Walking Dead or something like that, that's really spooky and creepy and quiet.

02:31:53.000 Geico!

02:31:53.000 Yeah.

02:31:54.000 Look at the lizard!

02:31:55.000 Come on, get out of here.

02:31:58.000 You're invasive.

02:31:58.000 You know what's funny?

02:31:59.000 All these networks have this very specific, like, this is what we want our network to be, to be about.

02:32:04.000 And then they take these fucking...

02:32:07.000 We're good to go.

02:32:30.000 Is the time of the intrusive commercial gone?

02:32:34.000 Is it seems ridiculous?

02:32:34.000 Intrusive!

02:32:35.000 Yeah, it seems ridiculous now.

02:32:37.000 You're getting awesome entertainment.

02:32:38.000 That's why nobody plays commercials on podcasts.

02:32:40.000 And if you want to watch...

02:32:41.000 In the middle of it go a real commercial?

02:32:42.000 A lot of guys still do.

02:32:44.000 But if you want to watch like a television show...

02:32:46.000 You do?

02:32:46.000 The White Castle?

02:32:47.000 That's why you're a holy year.

02:32:47.000 No.

02:32:49.000 Sorry.

02:32:50.000 If you want to watch a television show on A&E that's also available on iTunes, you're going to have to watch with commercials.

02:32:57.000 It's crazy!

02:32:57.000 What are you talking about?

02:32:58.000 Isn't it crazy?

02:32:59.000 It's crazy!

02:33:00.000 I haven't watched TV like that in so long!

02:33:03.000 It's just so crazy.

02:33:05.000 What?

02:33:05.000 That will be in the future what we think of as Blockbuster video right now.

02:33:09.000 Like the idea of going to Blockbuster and getting a video is so alien right now.

02:33:13.000 Like unless you're like in Hawaii, you know, and you're staying in a room that has a DVD player.

02:33:18.000 When the fuck are you renting DVDs?

02:33:20.000 You're not.

02:33:21.000 Never.

02:33:22.000 That shit's ridiculous.

02:33:22.000 A lot of people do that red box, but that's like middle America.

02:33:26.000 Those people.

02:33:27.000 Those fucking miners and shit.

02:33:29.000 It's like older people.

02:33:31.000 I mean, they go to the grocery store, they can pick up a movie.

02:33:33.000 I have a sense of standards, too.

02:33:34.000 Some interviewer asked me, like, what do I think about the standards?

02:33:37.000 I'm like, they're not for the people who would like me.

02:33:39.000 The standards?

02:33:40.000 Yeah, like, you know how to say these words or something like that, you know?

02:33:43.000 Like, FCC rules.

02:33:44.000 But, like, anyone who would become a fan of mine wouldn't care about those rules.

02:33:48.000 Yeah.

02:33:49.000 So for me to say fuck or for me to say something gross, it's like, none of my fans will care.

02:33:53.000 Yeah, the idea that you're gonna, like, cut out...

02:33:55.000 That applies to Arkansas Housewives.

02:33:57.000 What are you doing?

02:33:58.000 That's not me and my fans.

02:34:00.000 They won't watch anyway.

02:34:01.000 There's plenty of dummies out there that don't want to hear you swearing.

02:34:04.000 That would be offended by certain subject matter.

02:34:07.000 Right.

02:34:08.000 There's nothing you're going to do about that.

02:34:09.000 Just don't watch.

02:34:10.000 But there's so many people.

02:34:11.000 That's the thing that people aren't considering.

02:34:13.000 That people never considered when they were giving advice to comics back in the day.

02:34:16.000 When they're telling them to be clean.

02:34:17.000 Yeah, there's so many people.

02:34:18.000 If you get your piece of the pie.

02:34:19.000 The pie's massive.

02:34:21.000 You can fill up.

02:34:22.000 On a piece of the pie.

02:34:23.000 Ridiculously big.

02:34:24.000 Yeah, one one millionth of a percentage.

02:34:25.000 The pie has 300 million possible people in this country.

02:34:30.000 And look at Starbucks.

02:34:31.000 There are companies like, oh, this is great.

02:34:32.000 We expand and expand and not just in Seattle.

02:34:34.000 And then all over the country.

02:34:35.000 It's like, oh, guess what?

02:34:35.000 It's like, great.

02:34:36.000 The pie is fucking 18 times that big.

02:34:39.000 Yeah.

02:34:40.000 Go to the whole world.

02:34:41.000 And they're like, what?

02:34:41.000 And then you make so much more money.

02:34:43.000 Exactly how I should feel.

02:34:45.000 And it's all about the money.

02:34:46.000 Boom, boom.

02:34:48.000 Five or ten dollars to get my special paid regular that's out right now at reshapir.com.

02:34:53.000 It's five or ten?

02:34:54.000 You can get ten and get the audio too.

02:34:56.000 Oh, you get like a double?

02:34:57.000 So it's out on iTunes on Tuesday.

02:34:59.000 Oh, that's cool.

02:34:59.000 So you get like a package deal.

02:35:01.000 Yeah, you get a package deal.

02:35:01.000 The video and the audio.

02:35:02.000 Yeah.

02:35:02.000 Damn, son, moving forward.

02:35:05.000 Yeah.

02:35:05.000 I'm trying to arrange with Comedy Central, too, so we're trying to get this, like, algorithm or just based on, like, because they're, like, starting a new system, and they're pretty cool.

02:35:12.000 They're like, all right, you've done this online before?

02:35:14.000 Tell us, like, what do you got?

02:35:15.000 Any thoughts?

02:35:16.000 And I was like, yeah, when someone buys a Joe Rogan special, after that, it said you might also like, and then you got to tell...

02:35:22.000 Find some names of guys, like Segura's Half Hour or My Hour.

02:35:25.000 Like, yeah, that should come up.

02:35:26.000 And then if you like me, then after you watch that, like, here's some other people you might like.

02:35:30.000 Not just random dudes.

02:35:31.000 Don't put a Bob Saget after me.

02:35:33.000 Right, people you actually do like.

02:35:34.000 But, like, have it, like, this is a similar...

02:35:36.000 No, not Ant.

02:35:38.000 Like, have it, don't say it three times, it'll show up.

02:35:40.000 Yeah.

02:35:42.000 Need somebody to say something homophonic?

02:35:45.000 DatFan.

02:35:47.000 DatFan.

02:35:47.000 Kick the door in.

02:35:50.000 Yeah, just half shit like that.

02:35:51.000 So they're trying to build something like that for their website.

02:35:53.000 The CC Direct stuff.

02:35:54.000 And it's like, yeah, keep building.

02:35:55.000 Yeah, that's a good idea.

02:35:56.000 That's a good idea.

02:35:57.000 All due respect to DatFan.

02:35:59.000 I voted for him.

02:36:01.000 Yeah, it was first year.

02:36:01.000 Did you?

02:36:02.000 You voted?

02:36:03.000 You actually called in and voted?

02:36:04.000 No, I was one of the judges.

02:36:06.000 Oh.

02:36:08.000 Yeah.

02:36:10.000 I voted on the show, they got him in.

02:36:12.000 I didn't see Joe at home opening his phone.

02:36:15.000 I'm going to contribute.

02:36:16.000 I'll be part of the solution.

02:36:18.000 That was when...

02:36:19.000 Him and Ralphie Mae head to head for one and two, right?

02:36:22.000 Yeah, Ralphie Mae was there.

02:36:23.000 Who was three that year?

02:36:24.000 I don't remember.

02:36:26.000 Me neither.

02:36:27.000 I was just in the beginning, like when they were trying out to be on the show.

02:36:30.000 Oh, right.

02:36:30.000 I was one of the judges on that.

02:36:31.000 They'd have comics go up and do sets.

02:36:33.000 Yusuf just tried out for a new season.

02:36:35.000 Really?

02:36:36.000 It was the best trial process ever seen.

02:36:38.000 They don't reject you or accept you right there.

02:36:38.000 Wow.

02:36:40.000 You go up, there's a full crowd at the improv.

02:36:42.000 Go up, do three minutes, get off, leave.

02:36:44.000 Who's the host now?

02:36:45.000 I don't know.

02:36:45.000 Maybe Wanda Sykes.

02:36:46.000 Oh, that's a good move.

02:36:47.000 No, they had her already.

02:36:49.000 Bill Bellamy did it for a while, right?

02:36:49.000 She's done.

02:36:51.000 Yeah, he was never here.

02:36:52.000 How dare you?

02:36:53.000 He was here.

02:36:55.000 I'm a fan.

02:36:59.000 Bill Bellamy till I die.

02:37:01.000 Till I die forever.

02:37:02.000 That was...

02:37:02.000 Who was Ingram's black character?

02:37:06.000 What's Ingram's black character?

02:37:08.000 Darnell.

02:37:09.000 Darnell.

02:37:10.000 His favorite comic was Bill Bellamy.

02:37:11.000 He goes, oh, you remember that one bit?

02:37:13.000 Where he's like, with the Rolodex.

02:37:16.000 To call bitches.

02:37:19.000 It's like...

02:37:20.000 Darnell.

02:37:22.000 Or maybe Darnell was his cousin.

02:37:23.000 Darnell was his cousin.

02:37:25.000 What the fuck?

02:37:26.000 Why can't I remember his name?

02:37:27.000 Marijuana.

02:37:27.000 Oh yeah.

02:37:28.000 Marijuana fucks with memory.

02:37:30.000 No, Darnell was Ingram's character's cousin.

02:37:33.000 Did you hear about Jeremiah, what happened?

02:37:35.000 Watkins?

02:37:35.000 Yeah.

02:37:36.000 He got skin cancer and he got a big chunk taken out of his back.

02:37:36.000 What?

02:37:41.000 Whoa.

02:37:41.000 Yeah.

02:37:42.000 I'm doing a show tonight.

02:37:43.000 Me too.

02:37:44.000 The Three Clubs show.

02:37:44.000 Are you?

02:37:45.000 Yeah.

02:37:46.000 Yeah, he's got his arm brace on.

02:37:48.000 I was like, what happened?

02:37:49.000 Why do you have an arm brace on?

02:37:50.000 Cancer.

02:37:51.000 Maybe, what if we found out that Satan fucked him in the ass and shot his demon load on his neck.

02:37:55.000 Oh, and that would make cancer.

02:37:57.000 That would make cancer.

02:37:58.000 If we found out that Jeremiah's just tired of being on the periphery.

02:38:01.000 It's a funny comic.

02:38:02.000 It's got a lot of talent.

02:38:03.000 It just needs to do what a lot of these other guys have done.

02:38:05.000 He made a deal with the devil.

02:38:07.000 Satan's like, I'm just going to put the tip in.

02:38:10.000 Just a tip.

02:38:11.000 People say I shouldn't trust you.

02:38:12.000 I don't need to do much because you're very talented already.

02:38:15.000 I'm just going to have to put the tip in.

02:38:15.000 Oh, really?

02:38:17.000 It's just a tip.

02:38:18.000 Oh, what's that noise?

02:38:21.000 Relax.

02:38:23.000 It's hard to relax when you're talking to me like that.

02:38:26.000 That can't just be the tip.

02:38:29.000 That was like, I got a six mile tip.

02:38:32.000 You hear the fluttering of his wings as he shoots his hot load on your back.

02:38:38.000 Hot olive oil.

02:38:41.000 As your skin fucking rides in agony.

02:38:45.000 Where his load ate through.

02:38:49.000 That's it, folks.

02:38:50.000 Good night.

02:38:51.000 That's the end of this podcast.

02:38:53.000 That's great.

02:38:54.000 Friday, January what?

02:38:57.000 On where?

02:38:57.000 16th.

02:38:58.000 11.59, Comedy Central.

02:39:00.000 11.59.

02:39:00.000 Set your DVRs right now.

02:39:02.000 Why even risk it?

02:39:03.000 Well, if it's 11.59, that means that it's uncensored, correct?

02:39:06.000 Yeah.

02:39:06.000 Yes.

02:39:07.000 Beautiful.

02:39:07.000 Glorious.

02:39:08.000 Uncensored.

02:39:09.000 On television.

02:39:10.000 He can say cunty.

02:39:11.000 I said cunty on Comedy Central.

02:39:12.000 Oh, so they don't put bleeps over the cuss words there?

02:39:13.000 That's right, baby.

02:39:14.000 Oh, that's good.

02:39:14.000 Oh, yeah.

02:39:15.000 Okay, yeah.

02:39:16.000 Watch that, then.

02:39:17.000 Oh, that's good.

02:39:17.000 Yeah.

02:39:19.000 Oh, fuck, yeah.

02:39:20.000 Bleeps are annoying.

02:39:20.000 They do whatever they want.

02:39:22.000 Yeah, and then the following week, January 22nd, Thursday, and every Thursday after that, This Is Not Happening premieres, the first one's with me, Bobby Lee, Keegan-Michael Key.

02:39:30.000 Chrysler's on the second one, and the intro to the second one is amazing.

02:39:33.000 Jim Tomczyk, that guy who did the intros, did eight different intros for eight episodes.

02:39:37.000 He's out of his mind.

02:39:38.000 That's awesome.

02:39:39.000 Good googly moogly, ladies and gentlemen.

02:39:41.000 Good googly moogly.

02:39:43.000 Joe Rogan's on week five or six, I think.

02:39:45.000 Four.

02:39:46.000 That was fun, man.

02:39:47.000 Awesome crowd.

02:39:48.000 I love the fact that you're doing it in that weird little strip joint place, too.

02:39:51.000 Weird environment.

02:39:52.000 It's got such a great vibe.

02:39:54.000 It's a little...

02:39:55.000 Unpretentious vibe.

02:39:56.000 Like, I think the vibe of that place, like, helps those shows.

02:39:59.000 Because it's not a comedy club where you demand, like...

02:40:01.000 It's a strip club.

02:40:02.000 Relax.

02:40:03.000 What are you upset about?

02:40:04.000 It's a weird...

02:40:05.000 The beast themselves here.

02:40:06.000 Yeah, and you're having a lot of people that come on that aren't even comics.

02:40:09.000 You're having McCordry, Shear.

02:40:10.000 Yeah.

02:40:11.000 Yeah.

02:40:11.000 It's great.

02:40:11.000 It's a great idea, man.

02:40:13.000 Keegan?

02:40:13.000 It's beautiful.

02:40:14.000 Beautiful to see it on Comedy Central.

02:40:17.000 Ari's ballin'.

02:40:19.000 Chaka chaka chaka.

02:40:20.000 We actually got this tomorrow.

02:40:21.000 Oh, that's right.

02:40:22.000 We're doing that too.

02:40:23.000 Yeah, January 14th, we will all be at the Comedy Store for Sam Trisley's Naughty Show.

02:40:30.000 I think it starts at 9 p.m.

02:40:32.000 Is that correct?

02:40:33.000 Yeah.

02:40:50.000 I've never seen twice in a month.

02:40:52.000 Damn, it feels good to be a gangster.

02:40:54.000 Yeah, I wish you were coming with me, man.

02:40:56.000 Yeah, that would be cool.

02:40:57.000 I got all this shit.

02:40:58.000 Fuck!

02:40:59.000 Yeah, that'd be cool.

02:41:00.000 Yeah, I'm going to Boston with Ian.

02:41:02.000 Was that a Joe Lozon fight?

02:41:03.000 Was he supposed to fight Benson?

02:41:04.000 Joe was supposed to fight.

02:41:05.000 I think he got hurt.

02:41:06.000 I don't know if he was supposed to fight Benson.

02:41:07.000 I don't remember the original.

02:41:08.000 He was supposed to fight somebody, though, right?

02:41:09.000 Yes, he was supposed to be, but I believe he got injured.

02:41:09.000 Yeah.

02:41:12.000 Wow.

02:41:13.000 Well, thanks, Joe Rogan.

02:41:13.000 Yeah.

02:41:14.000 This has been fun as always.

02:41:15.000 Thank you, Ari Shafir.

02:41:16.000 You're fucking awesome.

02:41:17.000 Only reason to come into the Valley is to do the Joe Rogan Experience podcast.

02:41:21.000 Shit on the Valley.

02:41:22.000 I was born here.

02:41:25.000 Till I die!

02:41:26.000 Alright, that's it, you awesome people.

02:41:29.000 Oh, January 30th, Mirage, Vegas.

02:41:31.000 Ian Edwards and Tony Hinchcliffe.

02:41:33.000 Chugga, chugga, chugga.

02:41:34.000 See you guys soon.

02:41:35.000 Much love.

02:41:36.000 Big kiss.

02:41:36.000 Bye-bye.

The Joe Rogan Experience - January 13, 2015

Joe Rogan Experience #600 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Stats

Length

Words per Minute

Word Count

Sentence Count

Misogynist Sentences

Hate Speech Sentences

Summary

Transcript