The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #613

00:00:07.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:00:16.000 Fresh off of Ari Shaffir's Comedy Central show, This Is Not Happening.

00:00:21.000 It's Miss Pat again.

00:00:23.000 Welcome back.

00:00:24.000 Thank you for having me back.

00:00:25.000 Thanks for coming back again.

00:00:27.000 And I'm sorry to hear that a bunch of people were fucking with you online the last time that you were on here.

00:00:32.000 A bunch of people have contacted you.

00:00:34.000 You made the crucial mistake of paying attention though.

00:00:37.000 Can't pay attention to those people.

00:00:39.000 Well, you know, I used to fight back in the day, so if you say something about me, I'm like, well, meet me at the gay coffee shop so I can whoop your ass.

00:00:45.000 The gay coffee shop?

00:00:47.000 What's the gay coffee shop?

00:00:47.000 Yeah.

00:00:49.000 Starbucks.

00:00:50.000 Why is Starbucks the gay coffee shop?

00:00:52.000 Because usually all the white dudes got on Dockers and shit.

00:00:55.000 Yeah.

00:00:55.000 Dockers are gay?

00:00:57.000 I don't date guys in Dockers, do you?

00:00:59.000 Well, I don't date guys.

00:01:01.000 But if I did, I probably wouldn't have a problem with Dockers.

00:01:04.000 Well, I'm used to jeans.

00:01:06.000 You know, bagging jeans.

00:01:07.000 I'm black, okay?

00:01:08.000 Okay.

00:01:09.000 What are Dockers exactly?

00:01:11.000 Like a type of pants?

00:01:12.000 Yeah.

00:01:12.000 I was thinking of them as shoes.

00:01:14.000 I think of them as like boat shoes.

00:01:17.000 Yeah, they keep the big wallet in their back pocket.

00:01:19.000 Okay.

00:01:20.000 And that's not good?

00:01:22.000 I don't know.

00:01:23.000 I mean, I'm just saying.

00:01:24.000 I don't date those types of guys.

00:01:26.000 Do you date types of dudes who have their pants sagging?

00:01:29.000 Nah, I've been married for 23 years.

00:01:31.000 No.

00:01:32.000 But I mean, if you did.

00:01:33.000 No, no, [...

00:01:35.000 You wouldn't do that?

00:01:36.000 Is that gay too?

00:01:38.000 Yeah, that's gay too.

00:01:40.000 And raggedy looking.

00:01:41.000 And very inappropriate.

00:01:42.000 I mean, if something break out, you can't run, right?

00:01:45.000 Exactly.

00:01:46.000 Yeah.

00:01:46.000 That's a confusing thing to me, that that pants sagging thing has lasted so long.

00:01:51.000 I'm so confused about that.

00:01:52.000 No, what's confusing to me is that the young girls think it's cute.

00:01:55.000 Do they think it's cute?

00:01:56.000 Yes.

00:01:56.000 You know, my niece lives with me, and she love them.

00:01:58.000 They gotta have their pants sagging.

00:02:00.000 Really?

00:02:01.000 The farther down, the cuter they look.

00:02:03.000 Really?

00:02:04.000 Yes.

00:02:05.000 They get excited by that.

00:02:06.000 My niece do.

00:02:07.000 To me, that represents you don't have a job, and you stupid, and you look crazy, and you's an asshole.

00:02:13.000 I got a son, and he's 28, and I was like, don't fucking let your pants sag, son.

00:02:20.000 You can barely get by now.

00:02:22.000 Pull your fucking pants up.

00:02:24.000 But he's not bad with it.

00:02:25.000 He's not bad with it.

00:02:26.000 He's like medium?

00:02:27.000 Yeah, well, he's kind of fat, so he ain't got no ass.

00:02:30.000 So his pants just kind of sag on their own.

00:02:32.000 He ain't trying to be cool.

00:02:33.000 That's how Joey Diaz is.

00:02:35.000 Joey Diaz's pants are always falling down.

00:02:37.000 So much so, at one point in time, he started wearing suspenders.

00:02:39.000 Yeah, so sometimes I think my son might need them.

00:02:43.000 Joey, I didn't say that shit.

00:02:45.000 He did.

00:02:46.000 He was wearing fucking suspenders.

00:02:47.000 Look what I got, dog.

00:02:48.000 I'm done with this fucking pants falling out bullshit.

00:02:51.000 So he started wearing, but he didn't last.

00:02:53.000 He didn't last with suspenders.

00:02:55.000 Exactly.

00:02:56.000 He didn't want to accept the fact that he was a dude that wore suspenders.

00:02:58.000 You know, that's a very particular type of dude that wears suspenders.

00:03:02.000 Yeah, old guys who golf.

00:03:04.000 Who golf?

00:03:04.000 Yeah.

00:03:05.000 You got a bunch of categories.

00:03:07.000 Gay coffee shop.

00:03:09.000 It's because there's white dudes in Dockers.

00:03:12.000 Old guys who golf, that's who wear suspenders.

00:03:15.000 Yes.

00:03:16.000 Unemployed black men make the best sex.

00:03:19.000 Yeah, you said they have the most delicious dick.

00:03:21.000 I didn't say delicious.

00:03:23.000 That's what you said.

00:03:24.000 Well, you're delicious.

00:03:24.000 That is what you said.

00:03:26.000 That's exactly what you said.

00:03:27.000 There's a difference between when a person is employed and unemployed, how good the sex is.

00:03:33.000 Really?

00:03:34.000 I think so.

00:03:35.000 I really do.

00:03:36.000 I think a person who has a 9 to 5 don't have time to really throw you against the wall at night because he got to go to work in the morning versus a dude who don't do shit during the day who can watch Jerry Springer with you and y'all can just practice on getting better and better and better.

00:03:52.000 So, dudes who work too much don't have the energy to fuck correctly?

00:03:56.000 I think so.

00:03:58.000 Don't you think so about a woman who fuck a lot?

00:04:01.000 Well, yeah, I would imagine that women that work all day are exhausted.

00:04:05.000 But I think anybody who works all day is fucking exhausted.

00:04:07.000 Exactly, that's why I say unemployed dick is the best dick.

00:04:11.000 You got a point, I guess.

00:04:12.000 I know what I'm talking about because I've had both.

00:04:14.000 I bet.

00:04:16.000 I've had both.

00:04:17.000 It does make sense.

00:04:18.000 Well, you can only put so much time into one thing, you know, like without, you know, if you want to have another side thing that you do.

00:04:25.000 I mean, that's what sex really is if you really stop and look at it.

00:04:28.000 I mean, it's something else.

00:04:29.000 It's an activity.

00:04:30.000 Right?

00:04:31.000 You can't really get good at that activity if you're working 12 hours a day.

00:04:36.000 Yes, exactly.

00:04:36.000 Anything, right?

00:04:37.000 Yeah, it's like being a comedian with a job.

00:04:40.000 You're never going to succeed until you quit your job.

00:04:42.000 It's true.

00:04:43.000 Yeah, like everything else.

00:04:45.000 Fighters have that same issue.

00:04:47.000 Athletes of all sports.

00:04:48.000 If you're trying to work a day job and then do something else at night, it's much more difficult to do.

00:04:53.000 It is.

00:04:54.000 You don't have all of the energy that you really need to put into it.

00:04:57.000 Into slinging that good dick.

00:05:00.000 You need to take a long nap and eat at a leisurely pace.

00:05:05.000 Yes.

00:05:06.000 Relax and then think about how you're going to sling it.

00:05:09.000 Yeah, I don't have the dick.

00:05:10.000 I'm just saying from experiences, I know.

00:05:12.000 I would imagine.

00:05:13.000 But if you have met an unemployed dude and you're like, oh, he's unemployed.

00:05:17.000 I bet he's slinging some good dick.

00:05:18.000 But he's wearing Dockers.

00:05:20.000 It's over.

00:05:20.000 That's it.

00:05:21.000 Yeah.

00:05:22.000 It's a deal breaker.

00:05:24.000 It might be a deal breaker, Joe.

00:05:26.000 It might be a deal breaker because I don't know too many brothers that walk around in dockers.

00:05:31.000 Dudes don't give a fuck what girls wear.

00:05:33.000 Girls can wear flip flops.

00:05:35.000 You can wear dockers.

00:05:36.000 If you're hot, you're hot.

00:05:37.000 A girl with big tits and dockers, you're like, yeah, all right, whatever.

00:05:40.000 Who cares?

00:05:41.000 And especially once you get married and been with somebody for a long time, they really don't care.

00:05:46.000 Then they really don't care.

00:05:47.000 I think as the...

00:05:48.000 I've been married for 20-something years and I don't care.

00:05:52.000 My underwear hasn't matched since middle school.

00:05:55.000 What do you mean your underwear hasn't matched your bra?

00:05:57.000 Match.

00:05:57.000 Yeah.

00:05:58.000 Bra.

00:05:58.000 Bottom.

00:05:59.000 Guys don't give a fuck about that.

00:06:00.000 I mean, do you really care if a woman would come to bed with matching underwear?

00:06:04.000 Some women really get into that.

00:06:06.000 I'm like, I don't give a fuck.

00:06:08.000 If the pendant's got a seat, I'm cool.

00:06:11.000 I keep my shit till the seat fall out.

00:06:13.000 If a dude cares about that, there's probably some other issues going on for guys like that specific.

00:06:18.000 He wants to wear them.

00:06:19.000 He wants to wear them?

00:06:19.000 You think so?

00:06:20.000 Yeah.

00:06:21.000 Oh, he's one of those guys.

00:06:22.000 I don't know.

00:06:23.000 I've never had a dude that would have on my panties.

00:06:25.000 Usually I'm bigger than my men, so they can't wear my panties any damn way.

00:06:31.000 If they put on my panties, it's going to be like a jumpsuit.

00:06:34.000 What would you do if you came home and a dude was trying on your panties?

00:06:37.000 If you came home early and a dude had your shoes on and your pants and he was putting your panties on and...

00:06:44.000 I will probably slap the shit out of him.

00:06:46.000 But what if he's like, Ms. Pat, like, you gotta understand, like, it's not that I'm not a man.

00:06:50.000 If he's my man, oh, I will beat the shit out of him.

00:06:53.000 But what if he's like, Ms. Pat, it's not that I'm not a man, it's just this excites me.

00:06:56.000 No, no.

00:06:57.000 I'm excited by you.

00:06:58.000 No, motherfucker, not with my panties.

00:07:01.000 Get your nasty dick out of my panties, I kill you.

00:07:05.000 What if he orders his own?

00:07:06.000 We say, okay, okay, okay, okay, but are you cool with me ordering my own?

00:07:09.000 I'm going to order a pair that fits me.

00:07:11.000 No, that's like dating a dude with long hair.

00:07:14.000 You ever seen a dude who hair is better than his girlfriend?

00:07:17.000 That's some bullshit.

00:07:17.000 Mm-hmm.

00:07:18.000 I'm not dating a guy with better hair than me.

00:07:21.000 I'm not doing that.

00:07:22.000 You're not putting no fucking ball dust in my panties.

00:07:25.000 But what if he gets his own panties?

00:07:27.000 He gets his own.

00:07:28.000 Don't you think a dude who wants women panties are gay?

00:07:32.000 I try to be open-minded.

00:07:34.000 I try to be open-minded too.

00:07:36.000 Shit, I am open-minded.

00:07:38.000 Get your ass out of here.

00:07:39.000 There's a lot of men who even go through sex changes that still like women.

00:07:45.000 They become lesbians.

00:07:47.000 I heard that.

00:07:48.000 You know my daughter is gay.

00:07:50.000 So a lot of her girlfriends are getting their, well not girlfriends, a lot of her gay colleagues, I don't know what she call them.

00:07:50.000 Right.

00:07:57.000 Colleagues?

00:07:58.000 I don't know.

00:08:00.000 I don't fucking know what she call them.

00:08:02.000 The ones they hang out with.

00:08:03.000 They're getting their breasts cut off, right?

00:08:05.000 And some of them getting their vagina, their clitoris or clitoris, you know the little shit down there, the man in the boat.

00:08:05.000 Whoa.

00:08:13.000 Stretch longer so it can be a penis.

00:08:13.000 Yes.

00:08:15.000 And my daughter just tell me this shit because I be nosy.

00:08:18.000 I was like, why is your friend getting their titties cut off?

00:08:21.000 So she tell me how they're trying to form them a penis.

00:08:23.000 But I'm like, isn't it little?

00:08:25.000 So what's the purpose of doing it to your vagina or making your thing longer when you still got to use a dildo?

00:08:34.000 I guess.

00:08:34.000 Because I don't give a fuck who you are.

00:08:36.000 You don't want no small penis.

00:08:37.000 I agree.

00:08:39.000 Yes.

00:08:39.000 Yeah.

00:08:40.000 Well, I know that your dick, or your clit rather, becomes larger if they take testosterone.

00:08:48.000 Like when you give a woman testosterone, that's always that thing that men freak out.

00:08:52.000 If they date a female bodybuilder, they have a clit like a thumb.

00:08:55.000 Thank you.

00:08:57.000 It's not like a dick, but it's like a thumb.

00:09:00.000 Is it hard?

00:09:00.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:09:02.000 I think it gets pretty hard.

00:09:04.000 I don't know.

00:09:05.000 I can't really say.

00:09:06.000 I've never really been down there.

00:09:08.000 But I've seen pictures online, and it looks like a tiny dick.

00:09:12.000 Like a thumb-sized dick.

00:09:13.000 What would you do if you were about to touch somebody down there, and they should feel like a tiny dick?

00:09:20.000 Would you choke the shit out of them and ask them to tell me about that?

00:09:23.000 I would ask them if you're going to tell me about that.

00:09:24.000 Like, what's going on down there?

00:09:26.000 So you'd be that calm?

00:09:28.000 You wouldn't jump up and say, hey, is that a penis or something I need to look out for?

00:09:31.000 I would be upset if it was a guy that was dressing up like a woman and didn't let me know.

00:09:37.000 I'd be upset.

00:09:38.000 That's rude.

00:09:39.000 That's rude?

00:09:40.000 That's rude.

00:09:41.000 That's beyond rude.

00:09:44.000 You go in there and eat the vagina and that thing slip in your mouth.

00:09:47.000 It's a dick.

00:09:48.000 But it depends.

00:09:50.000 Is it an oversized clit or is it a dick?

00:09:53.000 If it's a dick, if you've got a Y chromosome, if you're a dude and you're trying to pretend that you're a woman and you're not letting anybody know that you're actually a dude, that's rude.

00:10:01.000 That's rude.

00:10:03.000 He called it rude.

00:10:04.000 But if you're a woman and you just have a weird clit, like some people have weird fingers, you know?

00:10:09.000 Some people have long noses.

00:10:09.000 Yeah.

00:10:11.000 Some people have crazy long noses, right?

00:10:13.000 Somebody's got to have a long clit.

00:10:15.000 I don't know.

00:10:16.000 My clit is...

00:10:17.000 I don't know about my clit.

00:10:18.000 I haven't seen it yet.

00:10:20.000 Your clit.

00:10:21.000 Your clit.

00:10:25.000 Whatever's down there, I don't really fucking know.

00:10:28.000 I was on this TV show once, and I had this friend who I was working with, and her boyfriend...

00:10:49.000 She was telling me that her boyfriend went on a date with this lady.

00:10:56.000 They got home.

00:10:57.000 They started fooling around.

00:10:58.000 He took her pants off and she had a clit like a pinky.

00:11:01.000 And he freaked the fuck out.

00:11:05.000 That's pretty long.

00:11:06.000 He came up with some story.

00:11:08.000 He said, oh my god, I realize I have to pick my brother up at the airport.

00:11:11.000 Just ran out the door.

00:11:13.000 Can you imagine a click like a pinky?

00:11:17.000 A click.

00:11:18.000 That bitch, when she pulled off her pants, it just fell on the bed.

00:11:23.000 Like a soft penis.

00:11:25.000 I guess, allegedly.

00:11:27.000 I mean, you know, that's what he said, that it was like a pinky.

00:11:30.000 But like, who's pinky?

00:11:31.000 Like, everybody's pinky.

00:11:31.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:11:32.000 Like, is it like Shaquille O'Neal's pinky?

00:11:35.000 Oh, that's huge.

00:11:37.000 That's a dick.

00:11:38.000 Yeah.

00:11:39.000 That's not a pinky.

00:11:41.000 Or is it like Little Lester's pinky?

00:11:42.000 You know, it's like everybody's got a different size pinky, so...

00:11:45.000 The little guy from...

00:11:45.000 Oh, yeah.

00:11:46.000 What's the little movie name?

00:11:47.000 The little midget dude would be holding up his pinky?

00:11:50.000 Oh, yeah.

00:11:51.000 Mini-me.

00:11:52.000 Now, you can deal with that clique.

00:11:52.000 Mini-me.

00:11:56.000 That's pretty small.

00:11:56.000 Oh...

00:11:57.000 That's normal.

00:11:59.000 Maybe.

00:12:00.000 That's pretty small.

00:12:01.000 It depends.

00:12:02.000 Because who really knows the size they're supposed to be?

00:12:04.000 Like you said, they come in all shapes and sizes.

00:12:06.000 But what if you're sucking on it and it comes...

00:12:09.000 I don't suck them, but we can call my daughter on three-way and she tells me.

00:12:14.000 She seems to love them.

00:12:16.000 Oh, boy.

00:12:17.000 Do you guys talk about that?

00:12:18.000 You know, my daughter, you know, she don't look gay.

00:12:22.000 She's the girl in the relationship.

00:12:24.000 But sometimes she forget that everybody ain't gay around her.

00:12:28.000 So, like, I bought her a cell phone because she broke her phone.

00:12:31.000 So she called me.

00:12:32.000 And, you know, I'm very open-minded with my kids because I had them at 14 and 15. So, you know, I grew up.

00:12:37.000 They respect me.

00:12:38.000 I'm mama.

00:12:38.000 But, you know, we kind of open-minded.

00:12:41.000 She called me, like, oh, thank you for the phone, mama.

00:12:44.000 I could eat you.

00:12:44.000 I was like, bitch, I'm your mama, don't say that.

00:12:47.000 Oh my goodness, I can eat you.

00:12:49.000 But it was like in a joking form, you know.

00:12:52.000 Yeah, I guess.

00:12:52.000 Because I might call and say, hey, can you get the vagina out your mouth?

00:12:56.000 I need to talk to you.

00:13:00.000 Because we open-minded like that.

00:13:02.000 I mean, I don't want to see her do it.

00:13:04.000 I try to block it out, you know.

00:13:06.000 Because my daughter looks so much like me.

00:13:08.000 And I'd be like, oh, can you please stop kissing these chicks with my face?

00:13:14.000 I don't want to imagine what she's doing with my face, but I can guarantee you my face been on a lot of crunchy vaginas.

00:13:22.000 Crunchy?

00:13:23.000 Why crunchy?

00:13:23.000 Because black hair is crunchy down there.

00:13:25.000 Oh, I understand.

00:13:27.000 You never slept with a black woman?

00:13:28.000 Yes.

00:13:29.000 So you know it's crunchy.

00:13:30.000 You remember you did the joke about the lotion.

00:13:32.000 No, that wasn't you.

00:13:33.000 What lotion joke?

00:13:34.000 That wasn't you.

00:13:35.000 Okay.

00:13:35.000 I'm fucking up.

00:13:36.000 We're all white dudes.

00:13:37.000 We all look the same.

00:13:39.000 No, you don't.

00:13:40.000 That's Bill Burr joke.

00:13:42.000 Bill Burr had a joke about lotion?

00:13:44.000 Dating a black girl and she was putting no cocoa butter.

00:13:46.000 I damn near pissed myself.

00:13:49.000 Especially when we get ready to have sex because cocoa butter makes our skin so soft.

00:13:54.000 So you put the cocoa butter all over you and it makes you extra soft so when you're rubbing on you it just...

00:14:00.000 And it really works for fat girls because we've got dimples in our ass so it makes you kind of go over the humps in your ass.

00:14:08.000 That's a fat bitch secret.

00:14:09.000 You didn't know that?

00:14:10.000 You never got drunk and woke up next to a fat chick?

00:14:10.000 I didn't know that.

00:14:13.000 Not all the cocoa buttered up.

00:14:15.000 Oh, that's right.

00:14:16.000 She was the wrong color.

00:14:17.000 She gotta be black to be cocoa buttered up.

00:14:20.000 Only black girls use cocoa butter?

00:14:21.000 White girls don't use cocoa butter?

00:14:22.000 I don't have white girlfriends, so I don't know.

00:14:24.000 Do your girls use cocoa butter?

00:14:26.000 Black people love cocoa butter.

00:14:28.000 What about cocoa butter?

00:14:29.000 How did that get a foothold in the black market?

00:14:32.000 I have no idea.

00:14:34.000 We got to talk to my ancestors, but it's good for removing scars.

00:14:34.000 I don't know.

00:14:38.000 It is?

00:14:39.000 That's what they say.

00:14:40.000 They say when you get pregnant, you're supposed to rub it on your stomach, but I've had four kids and my stomach's still fucked up.

00:14:46.000 So I don't stand by that product.

00:14:48.000 Yeah, I've heard that before.

00:14:49.000 I did hear that before, that like cocoa butter for pregnant women reduces the risk of stretch marks, right?

00:14:56.000 Yes.

00:14:56.000 Yeah, this doesn't work?

00:14:58.000 No, it didn't work for me.

00:15:00.000 See, I talked to a doctor about that, and he said it's all bullshit.

00:15:03.000 He said it's completely genetic.

00:15:04.000 He said some people, they just stretch out and snap back like a rubber band and nothing happened.

00:15:09.000 And other people, they can gain like a girl.

00:15:12.000 I dated a girl who gained like 10 pounds, not much, and she had these bear claw marks on her ass.

00:15:18.000 It was crazy.

00:15:19.000 It was like she got attacked.

00:15:20.000 But it was insane.

00:15:21.000 It didn't even make any sense.

00:15:22.000 Like, how did your ass get so fucked up from 10 pounds?

00:15:25.000 My niece is probably 120 pounds, and she had two kids, so her stomach got really big, but it went completely flat after the baby.

00:15:35.000 But her stomach's so fucking wrinkled, and she can't afford no tummy tuck, so she went out and put this gigantic tattoo of a tiger, and where the scratch marks at?

00:15:44.000 She just got the tiger scratching herself.

00:15:47.000 LAUGHTER I said, bitch, that is a ghetto stomach lift right now.

00:15:54.000 Because you have to really get close to know that her stomach is wrinkled.

00:15:57.000 Because whoever did the tattoo hooked it up.

00:16:00.000 That's hilarious.

00:16:01.000 Yes.

00:16:02.000 Brian Redband shows up.

00:16:03.000 Hey, how's it going?

00:16:04.000 Hey, fella.

00:16:05.000 I brought you some nuts.

00:16:06.000 I don't want nuts.

00:16:08.000 Uh...

00:16:09.000 This guy, a comedian, makes these really good nuts.

00:16:12.000 It's kind of like nature box.

00:16:14.000 That's like the next sriracha cashews right there.

00:16:16.000 And I was like, dude, you need to sell these.

00:16:17.000 You can make a lot of money.

00:16:19.000 Ain't no drugs in the music.

00:16:20.000 No, there's no drugs, but they're good.

00:16:21.000 I might be on parole.

00:16:22.000 Never, no.

00:16:23.000 Don't eat them on the...

00:16:24.000 Come through the microphone.

00:16:26.000 Oh, that's right.

00:16:28.000 So do you have a picture of this tattoo?

00:16:30.000 No, I don't have a picture of that.

00:16:31.000 God, you gotta get a picture of that.

00:16:32.000 Yeah, but I was like, why would you do that?

00:16:34.000 Why would you put that gigantic...

00:16:35.000 Because she's only like a hundred and something pounds.

00:16:37.000 And she wear like tank top and is a big ass tiger.

00:16:40.000 But whoever did it really hooked it up.

00:16:42.000 Because everywhere the scratch malls are with your stomach is fucked up.

00:16:44.000 The tiger just scratching the shit out.

00:16:47.000 Do you know her still?

00:16:49.000 Yeah, I talk to my niece every day.

00:16:51.000 Text her.

00:16:52.000 Tell her to send a picture.

00:16:54.000 I need to see a picture of that.

00:16:55.000 Okay.

00:16:56.000 We need a picture of that.

00:16:57.000 Let me text her and send me a picture of her tattoo.

00:17:00.000 Yeah, that sounds hilarious.

00:17:01.000 She's 120 pounds.

00:17:02.000 She had kids, got all fucked up and stretched out.

00:17:06.000 Her stomach snapped back, but she had stretch marks.

00:17:08.000 So she got a tiger tattooed on her stomach.

00:17:10.000 Oh, that's perfect.

00:17:11.000 With claws, just ripping apart the stretch marks.

00:17:14.000 It's way cheaper than getting a stomach took.

00:17:14.000 Hey, think about it.

00:17:16.000 Those stomach tucks are brutal, too.

00:17:18.000 If you get your skin cut off like that, there's a strong chance of infection.

00:17:23.000 People don't think of your skin as an organ, but it's actually an organ.

00:17:27.000 Your skin isn't just tissue.

00:17:30.000 It's an organ.

00:17:31.000 I lose weight.

00:17:33.000 I'm going to get my titties lift and my stomach tucked and my neck pulled back.

00:17:39.000 I mean, I know people have done it.

00:17:39.000 You can do it.

00:17:41.000 It does work.

00:17:42.000 I'm not saying that.

00:17:43.000 I'm just saying it's a serious procedure.

00:17:46.000 I know.

00:17:47.000 You do know.

00:17:48.000 Are you going to lose weight?

00:17:49.000 I'm working on it.

00:17:50.000 What are you doing?

00:17:51.000 I'm walking.

00:17:52.000 Walking?

00:17:53.000 That's it?

00:17:55.000 What else you want me to do?

00:17:56.000 God damn it.

00:17:56.000 Watch what you eat.

00:17:57.000 You got to watch what you eat.

00:17:58.000 I do.

00:17:59.000 You just poured two fucking buckets of sugar into that fucking coffee.

00:18:03.000 Why are you fucking up when I'm trying to stop?

00:18:07.000 Well, how the fuck am I supposed to drink my coffee?

00:18:11.000 I've only been doing this shit a little while.

00:18:13.000 How long is a little while?

00:18:14.000 I started in late December.

00:18:17.000 What January?

00:18:18.000 Have you lost any weight yet?

00:18:19.000 Like 13 pounds.

00:18:20.000 You can't tell.

00:18:21.000 That's all right.

00:18:22.000 Listen, that's pretty good.

00:18:23.000 13 pounds, that's actually good to do it slowly like that.

00:18:27.000 13 pounds over a couple months.

00:18:28.000 Well, I had a personal trainer, but...

00:18:32.000 This dude was wearing me out.

00:18:34.000 That's what happens.

00:18:35.000 That's how you get in shape.

00:18:36.000 I know, but...

00:18:37.000 Too much?

00:18:37.000 When you leave there in your vagina muscles, and you pissing on yourself in the exercise...

00:18:42.000 You were pissing on yourself?

00:18:43.000 Yes!

00:18:44.000 I was like, you just can't lift my legs like that, sir.

00:18:47.000 And think you just gonna take my shit all the way open like that.

00:18:51.000 You got my vagina doing shit that I did since the 7th grade.

00:18:55.000 Put my goddamn legs down.

00:18:56.000 So I quit.

00:18:57.000 That does happen to women who've had a bunch of babies, though.

00:19:00.000 They have a hard time maintaining their urine.

00:19:03.000 If you fucking pulling muscles that you ain't used in a while, of course you gonna piss on yourself.

00:19:09.000 But that's the only way to get in shape.

00:19:10.000 You gotta push your body.

00:19:11.000 I know I'm pushing my body, but I'm like, dude.

00:19:14.000 Too much?

00:19:16.000 I don't know.

00:19:17.000 I just quit.

00:19:17.000 You just quit?

00:19:19.000 Yes.

00:19:19.000 How long did you do it for?

00:19:20.000 A month.

00:19:21.000 You did it for a whole month?

00:19:23.000 A whole month.

00:19:23.000 And then you just woke up one day and just give me those fucking Doritos.

00:19:26.000 I ain't ate no fucking Doritos.

00:19:28.000 You don't eat Doritos?

00:19:29.000 Yeah, I eat Doritos.

00:19:31.000 You do.

00:19:32.000 You're confusing me.

00:19:33.000 You're sending mixed messages.

00:19:35.000 I eat Doritos, but I haven't eaten any Doritos.

00:19:38.000 Oh, I see.

00:19:39.000 Because I'm trying to lose weight.

00:19:40.000 Right.

00:19:41.000 I quit from him because I kept...

00:19:43.000 Fucking peeing on myself.

00:19:45.000 Not peeing on myself.

00:19:47.000 Working, you know.

00:19:48.000 I wanted to take a break.

00:19:49.000 You were just leaking a little.

00:19:51.000 I understand what you're saying.

00:19:51.000 Fuck you, Joe.

00:19:53.000 Why don't you just get some, you know, pants that are designed to keep moisture in?

00:19:57.000 It's called a panty liner.

00:19:59.000 I keep them.

00:19:59.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:20:00.000 They like a credit card.

00:20:02.000 With no limit.

00:20:02.000 Credit cards?

00:20:04.000 What the fuck?

00:20:05.000 I don't think you buy anything with panty liners.

00:20:08.000 No, but...

00:20:11.000 You should probably talk to other people that are giving you financial advice.

00:20:15.000 It's not going to work out.

00:20:17.000 No, panty liners are like Visa cards for women over 40. You don't leave home without them.

00:20:22.000 Oh, I understand.

00:20:23.000 Yes.

00:20:23.000 They're very important.

00:20:25.000 You know how you grab your wallet before you walk out of the house?

00:20:27.000 Most women make sure they have on their panty liner.

00:20:27.000 Yes.

00:20:29.000 Really?

00:20:30.000 Yeah.

00:20:31.000 Most women?

00:20:32.000 I don't know, but I do.

00:20:34.000 I do.

00:20:37.000 I didn't know that most women, I mean, I know when they're having their period or they suspect.

00:20:41.000 No, we use panty liner, honestly, all jokes aside, to keep the seat of your panties from looking different colors, I think.

00:20:48.000 Oh, to keep it from staining.

00:20:50.000 Yes, but I don't give a fuck about the bottom of my panties.

00:20:53.000 You don't?

00:20:54.000 No!

00:20:55.000 That's what it's down for, the cat shit.

00:20:57.000 The cat shit.

00:20:59.000 It's like an awful net.

00:21:00.000 It's a click eyelash.

00:21:02.000 Click eyelash.

00:21:03.000 I like that.

00:21:06.000 You're so fun, Joe.

00:21:07.000 You know, I gotta tell you, I used to be scared of you, right?

00:21:10.000 Why?

00:21:10.000 I don't know.

00:21:11.000 You got that tough persona.

00:21:12.000 And see, I know you do that MFC shit.

00:21:16.000 MFC? My freak hands?

00:21:17.000 No, what a shit you be doing.

00:21:19.000 You know, the karate shit you be doing, knocking people the fuck out.

00:21:22.000 And so, I was kind of a little intimidating.

00:21:25.000 You walk around, your chest all big and shit, you know, nice chest, nice bodies.

00:21:29.000 You look tough.

00:21:31.000 I was like, oh, I'm scared of this dude.

00:21:33.000 Then I get in here the first time, I was like, he's cool as fuck.

00:21:36.000 I wanted to kiss you the first time I was still.

00:21:38.000 You can kiss me.

00:21:39.000 No, not today.

00:21:40.000 Not today?

00:21:41.000 Back then you wanted to kiss me with too many panty liner talk.

00:21:44.000 It's too fucked up.

00:21:45.000 Did she send you the picture of the tiger tattoo?

00:21:47.000 No, I'm trying to get her.

00:21:48.000 I just got to her phone number.

00:21:49.000 What is the deal with panty liners?

00:21:51.000 Because I've never seen them on a girl before, and then recently this young girl had them, and she's like, oh no, I wear them every day.

00:21:56.000 Everybody, keep you fresh down there.

00:21:58.000 They come with deodorized, you know.

00:22:03.000 Deodorizer?

00:22:04.000 Yes, deodorizer.

00:22:05.000 It's like a Febreze in your underwear.

00:22:07.000 Some girls' panties smell good, like their pussy smells good.

00:22:10.000 That's what you think.

00:22:10.000 That's what I think.

00:22:11.000 Yeah, you don't know the trick behind getting them panties to smell like that.

00:22:15.000 Getting their vagina smell good?

00:22:16.000 All vagina got an odor.

00:22:18.000 Do you agree?

00:22:20.000 All?

00:22:20.000 I don't...

00:22:21.000 There's a very limited study group.

00:22:23.000 What?

00:22:24.000 I mean, how many...

00:22:25.000 Look, there's fucking 7 billion people on the planet.

00:22:27.000 3.9 billion women.

00:22:29.000 Uh-uh, don't do that.

00:22:30.000 Don't do that with me.

00:22:31.000 I'm telling you about real pussy.

00:22:32.000 I'm not talking about what you read.

00:22:35.000 Yeah, real pussy.

00:22:35.000 Real pussy.

00:22:36.000 Real pussy.

00:22:38.000 Well, yeah, I'm sure it comes in an odor, but not a bad odor.

00:22:42.000 No, no, it's just a natural odor.

00:22:44.000 Natural odor.

00:22:44.000 You know how the ocean smells when you stick your nose to one of those seashells?

00:22:50.000 Fishy?

00:22:51.000 Fishy.

00:22:52.000 Fuck you.

00:22:53.000 I have a vagina got odor.

00:22:55.000 I mean, an odor.

00:22:56.000 No matter how much you watch it.

00:22:56.000 Right.

00:22:58.000 Wood smells.

00:23:00.000 Wood has a smell.

00:23:01.000 Yeah.

00:23:02.000 Coffee has a smell.

00:23:03.000 You're not talking about a stench.

00:23:05.000 No, if it's a stench, it's an indication that there's something wrong with it.

00:23:09.000 Right.

00:23:10.000 You know what's fucked up about yeast infections?

00:23:12.000 A lot of yeast infections, not all of them, obviously, they come from a girl having sex with more than one guy.

00:23:18.000 Which is crazy.

00:23:19.000 What a weird thing.

00:23:21.000 If you have sex with one guy, that guy's cum in your vagina is okay.

00:23:26.000 But if two different guys cum gets in your vagina, it becomes a yeast infection.

00:23:31.000 I don't know about that now, but they're dangerous.

00:23:34.000 They hurt.

00:23:35.000 They hurt.

00:23:35.000 I used to have a friend.

00:23:37.000 I still talk to him.

00:23:38.000 You mean yeast infections hurt?

00:23:39.000 Yeah, they itch like a motherfucker.

00:23:40.000 It's like crabs.

00:23:41.000 You ever had crabs?

00:23:42.000 Nope.

00:23:44.000 Oh, God.

00:23:45.000 You've had them?

00:23:46.000 Yes.

00:23:47.000 And they bite.

00:23:49.000 They bite, I'm sure.

00:23:50.000 But with a yeast infection, it's on the inside, so you got to try to rub it.

00:23:57.000 If it gets really bad, you could really probably scratch the skin off the inside if you don't go get it treated.

00:24:05.000 You know, that's the funny thing that people are not worried about saving.

00:24:09.000 There's an organism that no one worries about saving is crabs.

00:24:11.000 Because crabs are on the verge of extinction because people are shaving their pubic hairs.

00:24:15.000 That's a real issue today.

00:24:17.000 There's very few crabs left in the world, in the wild.

00:24:21.000 I agree.

00:24:22.000 No, but it used to be...

00:24:23.000 It used to be a big thing.

00:24:23.000 No, I'm serious.

00:24:25.000 Like back in the 70s, fucking everybody had crabs.

00:24:27.000 Why?

00:24:28.000 Because they all had goddamn shrubbery growing in their underwear.

00:24:30.000 They had huge bushes.

00:24:32.000 Nobody trimmed their pussy.

00:24:33.000 Nobody trimmed their dick.

00:24:34.000 It was just a chaos down there.

00:24:35.000 So two people would have sex, and it would be like two jungles mingling.

00:24:39.000 Well, somebody had to put the crabs there.

00:24:41.000 What do you mean?

00:24:42.000 Somebody had to go get the crabs and put them there for them to mingle in the jungle.

00:24:46.000 They just didn't go and say, hey, this is my dick today and jump on it.

00:24:49.000 Well, that's the case with every disease.

00:24:51.000 Every disease had to start with one person, right?

00:24:53.000 Allegedly.

00:24:54.000 And a lot of them start with wildlife.

00:24:57.000 And a lot of them start with, like today's diseases, big, big portion of today's disease started with agriculture.

00:25:05.000 Like a lot of chickens, diseases come from livestock, a lot of diseases come from pigs, swine flu, famous flu.

00:25:14.000 I'm talking about venereal disease.

00:25:16.000 Well, I mean any disease.

00:25:17.000 Any disease.

00:25:18.000 Diseases, I mean, it's all really the same thing if you think about it.

00:25:20.000 They all have to start with a person.

00:25:22.000 The difference between venereal disease is sexually transmitted.

00:25:26.000 But you could transmit venereal diseases through blood, too, if you figured out a way to get someone's blood inside of you.

00:25:32.000 It's just whatever the disease is, getting it from one person to one person, it had to have an original host.

00:25:38.000 Okay.

00:25:39.000 It's fucked up, right?

00:25:40.000 A lot of them come from, like, when you see factory farms, like livestock farms and bird farms, that's where a lot of diseases come from.

00:25:49.000 They morph because there's a giant population of animals living in their own shit.

00:25:53.000 So what make you think crabs is on the verge of extinction?

00:25:57.000 There's articles written about it.

00:25:58.000 The instances of genital crabs have drastically reduced since the implementation of pornographic visual vagina trimming and penis trimming.

00:26:09.000 Oh, wow.

00:26:10.000 Yeah, because people shave their pussies and dicks.

00:26:13.000 Not me.

00:26:13.000 Not you.

00:26:14.000 Let it wild.

00:26:14.000 Yeah.

00:26:15.000 100%.

00:26:15.000 Mine's got an Afro pic in it.

00:26:21.000 I like to see you laugh.

00:26:23.000 I mean, to me, shaving your vagina is for young girls.

00:26:27.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:26:28.000 At a certain point in time, it's over.

00:26:29.000 Well, I do, but I don't do it at my house because I don't want to clean it up.

00:26:33.000 So I wait till I'm at a hotel on the road.

00:26:35.000 Oh, no.

00:26:37.000 So when you're on the road, then you start burning down the house?

00:26:41.000 Yeah.

00:26:42.000 That shit is hard.

00:26:43.000 You know, I got black hair.

00:26:44.000 That shit curl up on your walls.

00:26:46.000 It's hard to get up on your walls.

00:26:48.000 I don't see the jerry curls stuck on a wall before.

00:26:51.000 I have not seen jerry curls stuck on a wall.

00:26:53.000 Well, I mean, you know, go out and, you know, I'm serious.

00:26:57.000 The shit sticks to the wall.

00:26:58.000 So I wait till I'm on the road and let somebody else clean it up.

00:27:01.000 So when you're on the road, though, you do trim it up?

00:27:03.000 Every now and then.

00:27:04.000 You got a text.

00:27:05.000 I'm trying to see.

00:27:05.000 Is that the picture?

00:27:06.000 Is that her?

00:27:07.000 Yeah.

00:27:08.000 Did she send it?

00:27:09.000 No?

00:27:09.000 No.

00:27:09.000 No, not yet.

00:27:10.000 She work at night.

00:27:11.000 Alright, put that phone down.

00:27:12.000 Okay.

00:27:12.000 Flip that shit over.

00:27:13.000 Flip it over, too?

00:27:14.000 She's got one of those things.

00:27:14.000 Okay.

00:27:15.000 She can't help it.

00:27:16.000 She's got Neil Brennan disease.

00:27:18.000 You start fucking with your phone every five seconds.

00:27:20.000 So do you shave your wiener?

00:27:22.000 Well, my dick doesn't get hairy, but the lid does.

00:27:26.000 I said wiener, he said dick.

00:27:28.000 The top does.

00:27:29.000 Oh, the top?

00:27:30.000 Yeah, I shave my balls above the dick, but the dick itself does not do anything.

00:27:34.000 Not around the trunk of it?

00:27:36.000 It doesn't get that at all.

00:27:37.000 Not really.

00:27:38.000 I get a couple raggedy hairs, but it's really the top area that you have to be concerned with.

00:27:43.000 Well, I'm over 40, so hair is good when you're over 40 because when the wind go between your legs, you warm.

00:27:50.000 The wind goes between your legs.

00:27:52.000 Well, wind don't go between my legs and my thighs is together, but I'm just saying.

00:27:55.000 It whistles.

00:27:57.000 So when you get to any sort of a windy intersection, you're more protected because of your vagina.

00:28:03.000 Well, I live in the Midwest, so you shouldn't shave it to keep it warm down there.

00:28:07.000 I see.

00:28:09.000 Well, girls would always say that they would put on their winter 20. Is that what it's called?

00:28:13.000 Girls would put on weight for the winter.

00:28:15.000 I'm like, you're just fucking lazy.

00:28:20.000 I don't even know what the fuck to say.

00:28:23.000 I never heard that before.

00:28:25.000 The winter 20?

00:28:26.000 You never heard that?

00:28:27.000 No, I never heard that.

00:28:28.000 Some gals like to get real thin in the summer so they look sexy and wear little cute outfits.

00:28:33.000 And then the winter comes along and they go, all right, it's time to fatten up for the fucking snow.

00:28:37.000 Oh, okay.

00:28:40.000 Yeah.

00:28:41.000 You've never heard that before?

00:28:42.000 I wish I could get thin for the summer.

00:28:43.000 I'm working on it.

00:28:45.000 So, when you say you're working on it, though, like...

00:28:47.000 I walk every day, Joe.

00:28:49.000 Right.

00:28:51.000 I do a little weights and a little bicycle.

00:28:54.000 I'm doing about an hour and a half a day, about five days a week when I'm home.

00:28:59.000 I went this morning.

00:29:00.000 Oh yeah?

00:29:01.000 Yes.

00:29:02.000 What'd you do this morning?

00:29:03.000 I walked for 45 minutes and rode the bike for 20 and I did 20 jumping jacks.

00:29:08.000 Oh, that's good.

00:29:09.000 Yes.

00:29:10.000 That's good stuff.

00:29:11.000 I think so.

00:29:12.000 Do you watch what you eat?

00:29:14.000 Yeah.

00:29:15.000 Watch it go right in your mouth.

00:29:17.000 I ate strawberries and an omelet this morning.

00:29:20.000 Oh, that's good.

00:29:21.000 So you're eating healthy.

00:29:22.000 I'm trying.

00:29:23.000 It's hard when you're on the road and you get lonely and you get a bucket of ice cream and call your husband and he don't answer.

00:29:23.000 I'm trying.

00:29:31.000 The ice cream.

00:29:32.000 I don't eat ice cream.

00:29:33.000 You don't?

00:29:34.000 So what are you saying?

00:29:34.000 I just like food.

00:29:36.000 I mean, you know...

00:29:37.000 Food's great.

00:29:37.000 Who doesn't?

00:29:38.000 I mean, when I'm by myself, and I can afford more, so I go out to fancy a restaurant because I don't have my fucking kids there in my ear.

00:29:46.000 You know, I don't have to say, hey, if I'm gonna buy this steak for me, I gotta buy you one, too.

00:29:50.000 I'm by my fucking self, so I go out and I splurge.

00:29:53.000 Right.

00:29:54.000 Yeah.

00:29:55.000 I see.

00:29:56.000 Sometimes.

00:29:57.000 I got a bad habit of spending.

00:30:00.000 A bad habit of spending?

00:30:01.000 Yeah, I like to do shit, you know, like...

00:30:04.000 Go eat and shopping.

00:30:06.000 I get bored.

00:30:08.000 You mean when you're on the road?

00:30:09.000 Yeah.

00:30:10.000 Home too.

00:30:11.000 How often are you home too?

00:30:13.000 I'm on the road about three times a month.

00:30:17.000 Three weekends a month.

00:30:17.000 Three weekends a month?

00:30:18.000 That's a lot.

00:30:19.000 Yeah, that's a lot.

00:30:21.000 You live in Indianapolis, right?

00:30:23.000 Indianapolis.

00:30:23.000 Do you work out in Indianapolis?

00:30:25.000 Yes.

00:30:25.000 Your material, that's where you do your stuff?

00:30:27.000 Yes.

00:30:29.000 A little bit?

00:30:29.000 A little bit.

00:30:30.000 I drive down to Kentucky, too, because the people who owns Morty's, they also own the club in Kentucky.

00:30:30.000 Yeah.

00:30:36.000 How far does that drive?

00:30:38.000 Hour and a half.

00:30:39.000 Oh, that's not bad.

00:30:40.000 I didn't know that Indianapolis was only an hour and a half from Kentucky.

00:30:43.000 Louisville.

00:30:44.000 Really?

00:30:45.000 Indianapolis and Louisville are only an hour and a half away.

00:30:47.000 Yeah, he just left there.

00:30:49.000 Who was you with?

00:30:50.000 Tiffany and who else?

00:30:51.000 Tiffany Idish and Tony Hinchcliffe, I think.

00:30:54.000 No, it was Delray.

00:30:56.000 Yeah, it was him.

00:30:57.000 Dean Delray.

00:30:58.000 Yeah.

00:30:59.000 But that's why I work on my material.

00:31:01.000 That's nice, though, that you're working three weekends a month.

00:31:03.000 That's nice.

00:31:04.000 It's getting better.

00:31:05.000 You know, the podcast world has really been supportive.

00:31:08.000 I went to Chicago after I did yours, and all of these fit fuckers from a gym came out.

00:31:13.000 I was like, holy fuck.

00:31:14.000 I can tell the different people from the different podcasts.

00:31:18.000 Your people are always in fucking shape.

00:31:20.000 Well, that's good.

00:31:21.000 Yeah.

00:31:22.000 And they're just so motivated.

00:31:23.000 They'd be like, oh, Miss Pat, you can do it.

00:31:24.000 I'm like, go fuck yourself and get off my page.

00:31:28.000 So they're trying to give you help?

00:31:30.000 I mean, the fans are pretty.

00:31:30.000 Yeah.

00:31:32.000 The ones who stay with me, you know, those are the ones that really like you.

00:31:35.000 Fuck everybody else.

00:31:36.000 You know.

00:31:36.000 Right.

00:31:37.000 Well, I guarantee you we can get you a trainer in Indianapolis that won't make you pee yourself.

00:31:41.000 Really?

00:31:41.000 Yeah.

00:31:42.000 For free?

00:31:43.000 We'll find somebody.

00:31:44.000 For free?

00:31:45.000 Why has everything got to be free?

00:31:46.000 Don't you make money?

00:31:47.000 I'm a Democrat.

00:31:48.000 For free?

00:31:49.000 For free?

00:31:50.000 You said it like three times.

00:31:51.000 For free?

00:31:52.000 Why for free?

00:31:53.000 You just said you work.

00:31:54.000 I do work.

00:31:55.000 You said you work three weekends a month.

00:31:56.000 Oh, how expensive can they be?

00:31:59.000 They cost money.

00:32:01.000 You're headlining.

00:32:02.000 You're doing well.

00:32:02.000 Yeah!

00:32:03.000 I know you're doing well.

00:32:04.000 I hear.

00:32:05.000 I hear things.

00:32:06.000 What the fuck you hear that I hear?

00:32:07.000 I hear you're doing well.

00:32:08.000 I hear you're selling tickets.

00:32:09.000 I hear people coming to see you.

00:32:10.000 They love you.

00:32:11.000 People are coming to see me.

00:32:12.000 Thank you so very much.

00:32:13.000 They love you.

00:32:15.000 Joe.

00:32:18.000 Can't you just say, hey, y'all sponsor me, it's Pat, and I'll give you a shout-out on my show.

00:32:22.000 Why my show?

00:32:23.000 What about you?

00:32:24.000 Give them a shout-out on Twitter.

00:32:25.000 That's all you have to do.

00:32:26.000 Oh, really?

00:32:26.000 I'll give you a shout-out if you want to train me, and I don't have to pee on myself.

00:32:29.000 Just two months.

00:32:30.000 You come to my house.

00:32:32.000 If someone can prove to you that they can get you in shape, will you start paying them then?

00:32:36.000 Yeah!

00:32:37.000 Then you'll pay them.

00:32:37.000 The last guy was getting me in shape.

00:32:39.000 And you were paying him?

00:32:40.000 Yeah, the thing is, you gotta knock on my door and make me come out.

00:32:44.000 You gotta knock on your door?

00:32:45.000 You gotta wake you up?

00:32:46.000 No.

00:32:47.000 Does he have to feed you?

00:32:48.000 Does he have to put your shoes on?

00:32:51.000 I'm working on it, okay, Joe?

00:32:53.000 Goddamn, you sound like a stepdaddy.

00:32:56.000 Well, I'm just trying to find out where your line is.

00:32:58.000 I'm trying to find out where your line is.

00:33:00.000 I'm a little lazy, but I'm working on it.

00:33:03.000 So someone just has to kind of get you to do it.

00:33:06.000 You know what?

00:33:06.000 I get started, and then I don't see no results.

00:33:09.000 Like, I have a problem where I would get on the scale every fucking day.

00:33:13.000 And he was like, stay the fuck off that scale.

00:33:15.000 Because, you know, you drink water, that's water weight.

00:33:18.000 And I was like, I spent all this fucking time at the gym, and I didn't lose shit.

00:33:22.000 Well, you can't just lose weight instantaneously.

00:33:25.000 I mean, I know, but I'm an ex-drug dealer, so everything was fast in my life.

00:33:29.000 Right.

00:33:30.000 And I like shit to be fast in my life.

00:33:32.000 Right, but it wasn't fast to get big.

00:33:35.000 You gotta get well the same way you got sick.

00:33:37.000 Really, I think I woke up like this.

00:33:40.000 I don't remember gaining no hundred and some pounds during my marriage.

00:33:45.000 We used to have a lot of sex and eat Taco Bell.

00:33:49.000 And 10 years later, we woke up fat.

00:33:52.000 I don't remember ever changing panty sizes.

00:33:56.000 One day, I just went from 16 to in my 20s.

00:33:59.000 I'm like, what the fuck?

00:34:00.000 What's a 16?

00:34:01.000 Is that large?

00:34:03.000 What's a size 16 panties?

00:34:05.000 I don't know what that means.

00:34:06.000 Enormous size.

00:34:07.000 But I don't know what that means.

00:34:08.000 Like, what size person would that be?

00:34:10.000 100 pounds?

00:34:11.000 120 pounds?

00:34:12.000 For me, a 16 is about 175. Well, you were weighing 175. When I met my husband.

00:34:19.000 And then somewhere along the line...

00:34:20.000 And he was straight out of the military, so he wasn't fat either.

00:34:23.000 You know, I told you my husband was a vegan, and he lost all that weight?

00:34:27.000 He gained it all back.

00:34:28.000 He gained it all back?

00:34:30.000 Oh no.

00:34:30.000 He don't eat meat, he just went on a cookie diet.

00:34:33.000 A cookie diet.

00:34:34.000 A cookie diet.

00:34:35.000 When did this happen?

00:34:37.000 He came about 60 pounds back.

00:34:39.000 And since the last time you were here?

00:34:41.000 Oh, yeah.

00:34:42.000 That's insane.

00:34:43.000 That's fucking unhealthy.

00:34:45.000 I keep telling him.

00:34:46.000 You can't keep having your titties go up and down like that.

00:34:50.000 You're going to have a heart attack.

00:34:51.000 Yeah, the heart attack is the real concern.

00:34:53.000 Not the titties.

00:34:53.000 Yes.

00:34:54.000 Yeah.

00:34:55.000 The titties are going to get wrecked, for sure.

00:34:57.000 You lose and gain that much weight.

00:34:59.000 Your body doesn't know what the fuck to do with your skin.

00:35:01.000 So now he's back in the gym.

00:35:02.000 Yeah, well, you can't gain...

00:35:04.000 That's a scary thing.

00:35:05.000 You know what happened?

00:35:06.000 I'll tell you what happened.

00:35:07.000 He went...

00:35:08.000 His gout flared up.

00:35:10.000 So when his gout flare up, he can't do shit.

00:35:12.000 You never had gout.

00:35:14.000 I have a friend who has that.

00:35:14.000 Oh, that is some painful shit.

00:35:16.000 My husband can't do shit.

00:35:18.000 His toe just be...

00:35:19.000 It looked like it fucking talking to you.

00:35:21.000 It just red.

00:35:22.000 Did you take medication for it?

00:35:24.000 Well, it's his diet.

00:35:26.000 It's his diet.

00:35:27.000 What about the diet?

00:35:28.000 You know, they say gout used to say it was like a king's disease.

00:35:32.000 It used to affect a lot of, like, royal people back in the day because they drank a lot of wine.

00:35:36.000 That man overseas, what's his name?

00:35:37.000 Kung Jun Woo?

00:35:39.000 Kim Jong Il?

00:35:40.000 Yeah, him.

00:35:41.000 He got gout.

00:35:42.000 The new one, Kim Jong Un.

00:35:43.000 Yeah, the son.

00:35:44.000 Yeah, he does gout.

00:35:45.000 Yeah, that's what they say.

00:35:47.000 It's associated with people that are overweight, but it's also associated with specific diets, like diets that are rich in certain foods.

00:35:53.000 I forget what it is, but I know wine has something to do with it.

00:35:56.000 You don't drink wine.

00:35:57.000 What's the symptoms?

00:35:59.000 I don't know.

00:35:59.000 You get like...

00:36:00.000 Joint pain?

00:36:00.000 My friend who has it, he gets really painful heels, like his feet swell up.

00:36:06.000 And it goes anywhere.

00:36:08.000 My husband has it only in his left toe.

00:36:11.000 In his left toe only?

00:36:12.000 Yep, that's the only place it's flare up.

00:36:14.000 Really?

00:36:15.000 Yep.

00:36:16.000 That's weird.

00:36:17.000 My father-in-law just passed in November and he had it all over his body.

00:36:21.000 He had it in his arms, his hands, like my mother-in-law got it in her arms.

00:36:25.000 But everybody in my husband's family got it.

00:36:27.000 Hmm.

00:36:28.000 Okay, here's what it says.

00:36:29.000 There are a number of factors, risk factors for gout.

00:36:33.000 The more risk factors a person has, the greater risk of developing gout.

00:36:36.000 When examining a patient, take the following risk factors into consideration to ensure a proper diagnosis.

00:36:45.000 Hyperuricemia, classified as a uric acid.

00:36:48.000 Yeah, uric acid.

00:36:49.000 That's one of the things that has to do, that for some reason or another has to do with diet, right?

00:36:54.000 Yeah.

00:36:55.000 Family history, age, gender, gout affects men more than women, ethnicity, the instances of gouty arthritis and comorbid conditions varies by ethnicity.

00:37:08.000 In the U.S., Hispanics and African Americans who have features of metabolic syndrome are more likely to develop gout, obesity...

00:37:16.000 What's that?

00:37:17.000 What are you putting that up for?

00:37:19.000 I got a trainer!

00:37:22.000 What is that?

00:37:22.000 What?

00:37:23.000 The trainer from his back.

00:37:24.000 Okay.

00:37:27.000 Give some trainer.

00:37:28.000 I'll pay you.

00:37:28.000 You don't even know that guy sucks.

00:37:29.000 It could not even be a real trainer.

00:37:30.000 What if I get there and he...

00:37:31.000 I had one trainer.

00:37:33.000 He was fat.

00:37:35.000 That's not good.

00:37:36.000 I know!

00:37:36.000 And he wore a weight belt to like a girdle.

00:37:39.000 And I was like, I'm not going to keep paying your fat ass.

00:37:41.000 Crystals.

00:37:42.000 This is the other thing.

00:37:43.000 It forms crystals.

00:37:44.000 And that's why it hurts so bad.

00:37:46.000 That's why it hurts so bad.

00:37:47.000 My husband say it feels like somebody is just fucking got fire to your skin.

00:37:52.000 Alcohol consumption, especially beer.

00:37:56.000 Stop drinking beer.

00:37:57.000 It says purine.

00:37:59.000 That's not even the dog food.

00:38:01.000 Purina.

00:38:01.000 Purine rich foods, especially red meat and shellfish.

00:38:05.000 Yep.

00:38:05.000 High fructose laden foods, like high fructose corn syrup.

00:38:09.000 Crash diets.

00:38:10.000 Crash diets.

00:38:11.000 I'm going to tell him that.

00:38:12.000 Including high protein fat diets.

00:38:16.000 Starting uric acid lowering therapy without anti-inflammatory coverage.

00:38:22.000 Hmm.

00:38:23.000 Bed rest, often post-operative.

00:38:26.000 All those things trigger.

00:38:27.000 Nothing can stop the pain?

00:38:30.000 Nothing.

00:38:31.000 Like Tylenol?

00:38:33.000 No.

00:38:33.000 They can't give you anything.

00:38:34.000 They'll give you something to try to calm it down, but nothing.

00:38:37.000 Like, if my husband get it, what do he drink?

00:38:42.000 He drinks something to make his calm down.

00:38:46.000 Oh!

00:38:49.000 Organic...

00:38:49.000 What is it?

00:38:51.000 Organic cranberry juice.

00:38:53.000 Organic cranberry juice.

00:38:54.000 100% cranberry juice calms it down.

00:38:58.000 Yeah, most cranberry juice is like cranberry juice cocktail, which is like very sugar.

00:39:03.000 Not a cocktail, because the one he buys is like $9.

00:39:05.000 Like $7 or $8 at Kroger, down at Organica.

00:39:08.000 And that helps?

00:39:09.000 Yes, and he drinks it every day.

00:39:11.000 Probably tastes like shit, right?

00:39:12.000 Probably tastes like shit.

00:39:13.000 It's very tart.

00:39:14.000 It's tart.

00:39:15.000 It's tart cranberry juice.

00:39:15.000 I'm sorry.

00:39:17.000 That's what it is.

00:39:18.000 Well, cranberry juice cocktail.

00:39:19.000 Most people think they're drinking cranberry juice.

00:39:21.000 No, that's bullshit.

00:39:22.000 You're drinking a lot of sugar.

00:39:24.000 But my husband drank the tart.

00:39:24.000 Yes, you are.

00:39:26.000 And he drinks it at least once a week to keep the flare-ups.

00:39:30.000 He can tell now when they're about to flare up and he get on his cranberry juice and it'll go away.

00:39:35.000 Hmm.

00:39:36.000 That's interesting.

00:39:37.000 Doesn't that hurt with women who have urinary tract infections as well?

00:39:40.000 Yeah, that shit feel like gonorrhea.

00:39:42.000 Does it?

00:39:43.000 You know what gonorrhea feels like?

00:39:44.000 I know what a lot of shit feels like.

00:39:49.000 I ain't always had healthcare.

00:39:51.000 But urinary tract infections, that's one thing that women who take cranberry juice, they do that to fix that.

00:39:55.000 Yeah, yeah, to cleanse your vagina.

00:39:56.000 That's amazing.

00:39:56.000 You want to keep it down.

00:39:58.000 Because if you get, like, if it get really bad and you go to piss, you could run out the bathroom.

00:40:03.000 Whoa.

00:40:04.000 That shit hurt.

00:40:05.000 Damn.

00:40:06.000 Yeah.

00:40:07.000 Because it's inflamed?

00:40:07.000 Why is it hurt?

00:40:08.000 Because it's burning.

00:40:09.000 It's like if you took your wiener out, let me stick a lighter tube.

00:40:12.000 Hey, easy.

00:40:13.000 Oh, I was just trying to demonstrate the pain.

00:40:15.000 But why call a wiener?

00:40:16.000 With dick.

00:40:17.000 That's what hurt.

00:40:18.000 Thank you.

00:40:19.000 Oh, okay.

00:40:19.000 Wiener style, like a kid.

00:40:21.000 Wieners are sad.

00:40:22.000 Wiener is sexy to me.

00:40:23.000 Wiener is sexy to you?

00:40:25.000 What?

00:40:25.000 If your husband's like, listen, baby, I'm going to sling my wiener your way.

00:40:29.000 Well, my husband don't allow me to talk in the bedroom because my voice is deep.

00:40:33.000 He doesn't allow you to talk in the bedroom.

00:40:37.000 He's like, fucking clear your throat.

00:40:40.000 He tells you not to talk in the bedroom.

00:40:42.000 Listen, we're going to walk through the threshold of silence.

00:40:46.000 Where we do our fucking...

00:40:47.000 One time he said, Shut up!

00:40:49.000 You're fucking up my concentration with your voice!

00:40:52.000 Whoa.

00:40:52.000 What were you saying?

00:40:54.000 Oh, fuck me.

00:40:56.000 Fuck me.

00:40:57.000 Oh, come on.

00:40:59.000 Harder, motherfucker.

00:41:01.000 You know the shit that make you feel like you're young when you're having sex.

00:41:04.000 Wow.

00:41:05.000 All that deep talk.

00:41:05.000 Yeah.

00:41:06.000 Yeah.

00:41:07.000 Deep talk.

00:41:08.000 He don't like my...

00:41:09.000 He said when I lay down and my boobs go up out of my neck, I really sound like a man.

00:41:14.000 Like, I call...

00:41:16.000 Why are you looking at me like that, Joe?

00:41:18.000 Fascinating.

00:41:18.000 You know, I'm fat, so my titties are going to roll up onto my neck if I'm laying down.

00:41:22.000 Do they ever cover your eyes?

00:41:24.000 They probably could.

00:41:25.000 Like, one time I woke up and I thought my husband was choking me, but it was my titties up onto my neck.

00:41:30.000 Wow.

00:41:31.000 Your titties were under your neck so heavy that you thought your husband was choking you?

00:41:35.000 Yeah, I thought he kind of had his hand around my neck.

00:41:38.000 And then I woke up and I wasn't choking, but you know how you feel something on you when you sleep?

00:41:44.000 So that also affects the way you talk.

00:41:48.000 So you guys have deals?

00:41:49.000 Yeah, I don't talk in a bedroom.

00:41:51.000 Do you have any deals for him like he can't talk anywhere else?

00:41:54.000 Like you should have a room where he's gotta shut the fuck up.

00:41:57.000 You can't just have a room where only he gets to talk.

00:42:00.000 Well, he don't...

00:42:01.000 I don't know.

00:42:02.000 You should give him a room, but you gotta get a room too.

00:42:02.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:42:05.000 Well, I'm working on getting a bedroom so I don't have to watch the bullshit ass TV that he watch.

00:42:10.000 Oh, so you're working on getting a separate bedroom.

00:42:12.000 Yeah, I have one.

00:42:13.000 My niece is just sitting there.

00:42:14.000 I gotta wait till they leave.

00:42:15.000 That's the beginning of the end.

00:42:16.000 You get separate bedrooms.

00:42:17.000 Well, I'm going to go there and watch TV and relax.

00:42:20.000 That's it.

00:42:21.000 No, I have to sleep with my husband.

00:42:21.000 Yeah.

00:42:22.000 I love my husband, Joe.

00:42:24.000 I believe you.

00:42:25.000 He's my hero.

00:42:26.000 You know, most people wait on somebody riding on a white horse.

00:42:29.000 He came in on a Nissan and got me out of the ghetto.

00:42:31.000 I love my baby.

00:42:33.000 He gave a bitch health care.

00:42:35.000 He didn't punch a bitch in the eye every Friday.

00:42:37.000 No gunnery, no crabs, no baby mama.

00:42:39.000 None of that bullshit.

00:42:40.000 He sounds like a great guy.

00:42:42.000 He is a great guy.

00:42:43.000 Except for that old, you can't talk in the bedroom shit.

00:42:46.000 I got a deep voice.

00:42:50.000 Just make a deal.

00:42:51.000 Okay, so then you get this new bedroom, then he's got to shut the fuck up in the new bedroom.

00:42:55.000 Yes.

00:42:56.000 And in the new bedroom, you can just talk all kinds of crazy shit.

00:42:59.000 You're going to have, you know, Miss Pat's bedroom when she gets to talk?

00:43:05.000 Maybe I'm going to get me a vibrator and talk to the vibrator.

00:43:08.000 He won't tell me to shut the fuck up.

00:43:09.000 Well, you don't have to go that crazy.

00:43:11.000 Women love vibrators.

00:43:13.000 I believe you.

00:43:14.000 I've never used a vibrator.

00:43:15.000 Never?

00:43:16.000 Never.

00:43:17.000 I've been fucking since I was 12. I don't have no problem getting laid.

00:43:17.000 You've never tried one?

00:43:20.000 I believe that as well.

00:43:22.000 But did you ever get curious?

00:43:22.000 Yes.

00:43:23.000 Like, what's he with all the fuss is all about?

00:43:26.000 Well, no.

00:43:27.000 Because you know what they say.

00:43:27.000 Nothing?

00:43:29.000 They say, once you die, you're going to meet God and you're going to flash your life back in your face.

00:43:32.000 I don't want to see that vibrator scene when I have to get into heaven.

00:43:36.000 I wouldn't worry about it.

00:43:38.000 I mean, think about all the other shit you've got in your head.

00:43:40.000 Well, I got an excuse for that.

00:43:41.000 Choking yourself with your tits.

00:43:43.000 Yeah, but you don't want to look at God and say, oh, I needed a nut.

00:43:46.000 Why not?

00:43:47.000 No, I don't want to do that.

00:43:48.000 Well, listen, God's the one who gave you this desire to come.

00:43:51.000 Well, I know that.

00:43:52.000 I mean, that was just joking.

00:43:53.000 I know.

00:43:53.000 I don't like vibrators.

00:43:55.000 You don't like them.

00:43:56.000 No.

00:43:56.000 But you don't know because you haven't tried them, right?

00:43:58.000 I know.

00:43:59.000 That's what my girlfriends say, but I've always had sex with somebody.

00:44:02.000 I mean, who's going to suck my titty, Joe?

00:44:04.000 Me?

00:44:06.000 So you demand certain activities while you're having sex that the vibrator is not capable of fulfilling.

00:44:12.000 Who am I talking to?

00:44:12.000 Exactly.

00:44:13.000 I get it.

00:44:14.000 I see what you're saying.

00:44:15.000 Makes a lot of sense.

00:44:17.000 I mean, I think they're cute.

00:44:19.000 You think a vibrator's cute?

00:44:20.000 I've seen them in all sizes.

00:44:21.000 I hosted a vibrator party one time.

00:44:23.000 You hosted a vibrator party?

00:44:25.000 Yes.

00:44:25.000 And at the time, the new one was, it had a suction cup on it.

00:44:30.000 So you just stick it to the toilet and you fuck yourself.

00:44:33.000 Oh, God.

00:44:35.000 And anywhere in the house, it just stick to the wall.

00:44:37.000 And it was crazy.

00:44:40.000 And women was buying these shit of all sizes, Joe.

00:44:43.000 All like this, like this.

00:44:43.000 Yeah.

00:44:46.000 I had a friend who had a girlfriend who couldn't come without it.

00:44:49.000 She got addicted to it.

00:44:50.000 That means he wasn't shit.

00:44:52.000 He would fuck the shit out of her and then she would give me that thing.

00:44:58.000 Hitachis are known for that because they're so powerful that they pretty much make it so it's numb down there that they only have to have that feeling to come now.

00:45:06.000 Who is it?

00:45:07.000 Hitachis are like those really strong ones that you plug into the wall.

00:45:10.000 And those things just...

00:45:11.000 Hitachi?

00:45:12.000 Is it a massager that girls use as a vibrator?

00:45:14.000 Yeah, it's a famous...

00:45:15.000 It's one of the oldest massagers.

00:45:18.000 It looks kind of like a long ice cream cone or something.

00:45:22.000 I don't know what the fuck you talking about.

00:45:23.000 The one I saw, they was plastered and they just...

00:45:25.000 Yeah, those look like dicks.

00:45:27.000 Well, my daughter has a lot of them, too.

00:45:27.000 Well, the one he's talking about...

00:45:28.000 Oh.

00:45:30.000 Yeah.

00:45:30.000 The lesbian daughter.

00:45:31.000 Yeah.

00:45:32.000 Yeah.

00:45:33.000 My other daughter is 16. I hope she ain't got no vibrator.

00:45:36.000 So lesbians will use vibrators and strap-ons and all that shit.

00:45:36.000 That's weird.

00:45:41.000 Yes, but they don't want no dick.

00:45:42.000 They don't want no dick.

00:45:44.000 But they want something inside them.

00:45:44.000 No.

00:45:45.000 No, that's why I have a joke.

00:45:46.000 That's why I have a joke.

00:45:47.000 I was like, why are you gay?

00:45:49.000 I mean, if titties is your thing, go out and get a fat boy.

00:45:54.000 That's a Hitachi.

00:45:55.000 And it's super powerful.

00:45:57.000 Like, if you have an arm full blast...

00:45:59.000 Well, it's not supposed to...

00:46:00.000 You just put on a clit.

00:46:01.000 It's not supposed to be for that, though.

00:46:03.000 It's supposed to be for your back.

00:46:06.000 Oh, God.

00:46:07.000 I don't know nothing about that type of sex.

00:46:07.000 Yeah.

00:46:09.000 I'm just straight up and down and go to sleep.

00:46:11.000 Straight up and down and then go to sleep.

00:46:13.000 And go to sleep, yeah.

00:46:13.000 If someone buys one for you, will you at least try it and report back on it?

00:46:17.000 I'm not doing that bullshit.

00:46:17.000 No, I would not.

00:46:19.000 I'm a Christian.

00:46:19.000 You're not interested?

00:46:20.000 Oh, okay.

00:46:21.000 That makes sense.

00:46:21.000 Yeah.

00:46:22.000 Christians don't use vibrators.

00:46:24.000 They have Jesus ones.

00:46:26.000 What if one of them is blessed?

00:46:28.000 You want to fuck?

00:46:29.000 I'm not using them vibrators.

00:46:30.000 How does that work?

00:46:31.000 Are Christians allowed to masturbate?

00:46:32.000 I don't know.

00:46:33.000 I'm not a real Christian.

00:46:38.000 I am a Christian.

00:46:39.000 I'm a Christian.

00:46:40.000 You're not a real Christian, but you are a Christian.

00:46:42.000 I'm a Christian.

00:46:43.000 I believe in God and Jesus.

00:46:43.000 I am.

00:46:45.000 I am.

00:46:46.000 And I've been baptized 25 times, so of course I'm a Christian.

00:46:49.000 25 times?

00:46:50.000 Why were you baptized 25 times?

00:46:50.000 Yes.

00:46:52.000 Well, my mama had a scheme in the hood back in the day when all the churches cared about you.

00:46:57.000 So if you go to church and you was, like we was poor, so if you had problems with your financial problems, if you had financial problems and you joined the church, the church would write you a check for your finances that month.

00:47:09.000 Really?

00:47:10.000 Yeah, it was a black church.

00:47:11.000 That's amazing.

00:47:12.000 Well, that's why black churches don't give out money without interviews no more.

00:47:16.000 That's why no churches give up money without interviews.

00:47:20.000 But that is a beautiful function of a church, though, that they could actually help people with their financial problems.

00:47:25.000 Well, it was a lot of churches doing it.

00:47:25.000 So how did that work?

00:47:26.000 So my mama would take us, it was five of us, and she would take us to get, we would join the church, you know, like, we're really going to come, you know, and they would pay our light bill, our rent, or whatever.

00:47:35.000 And so the pastor always wanted to baptize you.

00:47:38.000 So my mama had a scheme where she would set these churches up to get us baptized and get help.

00:47:44.000 So, you bring the kid in, you say, I want my child to get baptized, I got a lot of financial difficulties.

00:47:49.000 Well, you schedule it.

00:47:49.000 No, you schedule it.

00:47:50.000 She'll go to the church, ask for help, and they always try to talk you into joining because you need members to keep going.

00:47:56.000 And my mom's like, yeah, I'll join, get baptized or whatever.

00:47:59.000 I don't know how the meeting went down.

00:48:01.000 I just showed up for the baptism.

00:48:03.000 So you'd show up, they would baptize you, they'd dunk you in the water, and then what happens?

00:48:07.000 They give you some money?

00:48:08.000 They give my momma the money, food.

00:48:09.000 How much money?

00:48:10.000 I don't know, I was a kid!

00:48:12.000 I didn't even realize this shit wasn't right, was abnormal until I was on my phone with my girlfriend, probably about eight years ago.

00:48:21.000 And I'm talking to her, probably about ten years ago, and we was talking about baptism, and I was like, I got baptized 25 times.

00:48:28.000 She's like, who the fuck baptized you 25 times?

00:48:30.000 I was like, how many times was you baptized?

00:48:32.000 She was like, once.

00:48:33.000 I was like, why?

00:48:34.000 And I was like, that was a fucking scheme.

00:48:38.000 Did you ever talk to your mom about that?

00:48:39.000 My mom is dead.

00:48:40.000 My mom died when she was 39. I was 16 with two kids.

00:48:43.000 She had diabetes.

00:48:45.000 Wow.

00:48:46.000 That's one more reason to try to get healthy, right?

00:48:48.000 She wasn't fat.

00:48:49.000 She was 98 pounds.

00:48:51.000 Damn.

00:48:52.000 98 pounds?

00:48:53.000 Never was fat.

00:48:54.000 She was an alcoholic.

00:48:54.000 Yes.

00:48:56.000 My mama, I think my mama, they say diabetes when you don't got no healthcare, no insurance.

00:49:01.000 They just put whatever pills you were taking that what the motherfucker died of.

00:49:04.000 But I think my mama just died of a broken heart.

00:49:08.000 She had a rough life.

00:49:10.000 She had five kids before she was 23. She was uneducated.

00:49:15.000 She was in a very abusive relationship with my daddy.

00:49:18.000 I mean, we never had ships.

00:49:20.000 We always lived in places where we got evicted because she lived off welfare.

00:49:25.000 I mean, she just...

00:49:27.000 I mean, I'm not gonna say she never had a chance.

00:49:29.000 She just had a bad life.

00:49:31.000 Whatever she was...

00:49:32.000 It's a cycle.

00:49:34.000 So whatever her parents...

00:49:35.000 Whatever she saw her parents do, she went on and did it.

00:49:38.000 And so did my sister.

00:49:39.000 And so did you.

00:49:40.000 Oh, I changed my life.

00:49:42.000 But you broke the cycle.

00:49:42.000 Right.

00:49:43.000 Yeah.

00:49:44.000 But did that occur to you while you were young and when you had kids?

00:49:48.000 Like, I'm doing the same thing my mom was doing?

00:49:50.000 Yes.

00:49:51.000 Like, my mama would have me at a really young age, like, lighting cigarettes at five or six.

00:49:56.000 Lighting her cigarettes?

00:49:57.000 Yes.

00:49:58.000 But I was told in school, probably about six or seven, but we was told in school not to smoke.

00:50:04.000 You remember that Joe Kool guy with the cigarettes?

00:50:06.000 The camel?

00:50:07.000 Camel, that's what I'm talking about.

00:50:09.000 Remember how cool he was?

00:50:10.000 But in school, you was taught not to smoke.

00:50:12.000 Cigarettes would kill you.

00:50:14.000 So that always stuck in my head.

00:50:15.000 But my mom would see me in the kitchen to light her cigarettes off the stove.

00:50:20.000 And she was like, make sure you pull it two times.

00:50:22.000 And I'm like, bitch, they just told me I'm going to die.

00:50:24.000 I didn't say that to her.

00:50:25.000 I said that in my head.

00:50:26.000 Make sure you pull it.

00:50:27.000 She was telling you to inhale?

00:50:28.000 Yeah, we had to inhale it to get it going.

00:50:30.000 I don't fucking know.

00:50:31.000 But my sister smoked everything in the book from that shit.

00:50:35.000 I ain't in hell.

00:50:35.000 You know what?

00:50:36.000 The reason why she stopped me from doing it, because I would go in there and fucking fry that fucking cigarette.

00:50:41.000 And she would slap the shit out of me.

00:50:43.000 She smoked Winston's.

00:50:45.000 So already that shit is super strong.

00:50:47.000 So we'd be like...

00:50:48.000 Oh, I'm going to spit on the mic.

00:50:50.000 We've been there coughing and shit.

00:50:52.000 My sister probably was smoking at eight years old.

00:50:55.000 How old were you when she was getting you lighter cigarettes?

00:50:58.000 Probably about, well, my sister probably was about eight, so she's two years older than me.

00:51:02.000 So you were six years old and she was telling you to take a hit off a cigarette?

00:51:06.000 Yes, we did it every day.

00:51:07.000 Fuck.

00:51:09.000 Fuck.

00:51:09.000 We knew how to pour her gin, and she drank gin and water.

00:51:13.000 So we would go back there and make her a drink all the time.

00:51:16.000 She would tell you to make her a drink?

00:51:18.000 Uh, yes.

00:51:19.000 And I used to always say, everything I see you motherfuckers do, I'm never gonna do it.

00:51:22.000 I don't smoke her drink.

00:51:24.000 And it's, you know, I always said my mama made me think, she did everything unsexy.

00:51:30.000 Just like, she wasn't like most moms.

00:51:32.000 And she smoked the cigarette, she didn't hold it like, you know how you saw most women hold it.

00:51:36.000 She held that bitch like a joint, because she smoked a lot of weed.

00:51:39.000 And I said, why you do everything like a man?

00:51:41.000 I didn't say that to her, but like, she never drank out of glass.

00:51:44.000 She always drunk out of a quart bottle.

00:51:47.000 So I was like, she do everything like a fucking man.

00:51:50.000 Like, she never told a purse.

00:51:51.000 She always told a wallet, a man's wallet in her back pocket.

00:51:55.000 Really?

00:51:55.000 Mm-hmm.

00:51:56.000 Wow.

00:51:57.000 So everything she did, I was like, I can't do this bullshit.

00:51:59.000 Well, she probably, from having so many kids at a young age, she probably wanted to have nothing to do with sexy.

00:52:05.000 You know?

00:52:05.000 Just stay the fuck away from me with all that dick.

00:52:08.000 That just gives me trouble.

00:52:09.000 I'll just do some repulsive shit.

00:52:11.000 Start farting on dudes.

00:52:13.000 Well, you know, she had five kids really young.

00:52:16.000 Because my daddy was nine years older than her, like eight years older than her, like my kid's father was.

00:52:22.000 And I didn't even realize that until one day I was out here putting some shit together.

00:52:26.000 And I had my birth certificate.

00:52:29.000 And I was like, this motherfucker got my mama young like my baby daddy got me young.

00:52:34.000 It's so crazy.

00:52:35.000 It's such a repeating cycle.

00:52:36.000 It is a repeating cycle to somebody open their eyes and say, holy shit, we all headed, I'm headed like these people.

00:52:44.000 What made you realize and what do you think was like the catalyst to get you to stop?

00:52:49.000 When I had my kids.

00:52:51.000 You know, I had the first baby at 14. And that's the first time I ever felt like I was loved.

00:52:59.000 That's one of the reasons why I kept the baby.

00:53:01.000 And I got a book deal, so I don't give away all the stories.

00:53:05.000 But that's one of the reasons when I gave birth to her, I kept her.

00:53:09.000 Because he was married.

00:53:10.000 This lady showed up at my door and was like, this is my fucking husband you're pregnant about.

00:53:13.000 But to me...

00:53:15.000 I was going to finally have somebody in my life that loved me, and I didn't have to worry about betraying me.

00:53:22.000 So that's why I kept that baby, because I knew that baby would love me unconditionally.

00:53:27.000 Because I never felt like I was loved until, I mean, when I had the baby, I was 14, and I'd given birth by myself.

00:53:32.000 He wasn't there.

00:53:33.000 He showed up the next day at the hospital with his girlfriend, his new girlfriend.

00:53:37.000 Jesus Christ.

00:53:39.000 Yeah.

00:53:40.000 So you, like, consciously felt like you could raise this baby from the time it was little and it would love you?

00:53:47.000 Yeah, but I didn't realize the finance attached with it, but yeah, you know, it was almost like a baby doll.

00:53:52.000 That's how you kind of looked at it.

00:53:54.000 It was a cabbage pad I never got.

00:53:55.000 But my cabbage pad, the cabbage pad kids don't eat.

00:53:58.000 This motherfucker really ate.

00:54:00.000 So I had to go out and get a job.

00:54:00.000 Yeah.

00:54:02.000 You got a book deal?

00:54:03.000 Yeah.

00:54:03.000 When did you get a book deal?

00:54:04.000 When did this happen?

00:54:06.000 After I left you.

00:54:08.000 That's awesome.

00:54:10.000 Well, the writer heard me on Ari Shafir, so she went to an agency and told him to listen to the Rogan podcast.

00:54:16.000 And so she listened to the Rogan podcast, and then I did Marin's, and then they listened to him, and then the agent picked me up.

00:54:23.000 So I got the agent from you and sealed a deal over with all the podcasters together after I did Marin's.

00:54:31.000 And I was shocked too.

00:54:32.000 I was like, y'all want to buy this shit?

00:54:34.000 So are you going to write it yourself?

00:54:36.000 Hell no!

00:54:39.000 Why do you say that?

00:54:40.000 I can't even say click.

00:54:42.000 Click.

00:54:42.000 Clit.

00:54:44.000 Clitorious.

00:54:45.000 Yeah.

00:54:45.000 Clitorious is a Greek Roman clit.

00:54:48.000 I don't know what the fuck it is.

00:54:50.000 Clitorious Maximus.

00:54:51.000 The lady who found me on our podcast, she's writing it.

00:54:55.000 So you just will tell her the stories?

00:54:55.000 Oh, okay.

00:54:55.000 Yes.

00:54:59.000 I just tell her.

00:54:59.000 We've been talking.

00:55:00.000 Well, I sold a book right around the last time I was here, after I was here.

00:55:04.000 So we're almost done with the first chapter so far.

00:55:08.000 So we talk about three, four times a week.

00:55:09.000 So does she talk to you on the phone?

00:55:11.000 On the phone.

00:55:12.000 And then does she record it and transcribe it?

00:55:14.000 I'm quite sure she do.

00:55:15.000 I mean, I just, I don't fucking know what going to book writing to.

00:55:19.000 I got a GED. I just tell her the stories.

00:55:21.000 And then she go from there.

00:55:21.000 Right.

00:55:23.000 Like, it's kind of funny because, you know, she opened doors in my life that I've had closed so long that there's a lot of pain.

00:55:34.000 You know, I only seen this lady a couple of times and I'm just opening these doors.

00:55:38.000 So a lot of times we're crying together.

00:55:40.000 Whoa.

00:55:41.000 Whoa.

00:55:43.000 But we also laugh.

00:55:44.000 And a lot of time I hang up from her and she'll call me back.

00:55:46.000 She's like, are you okay?

00:55:47.000 And I'm like, I'm a fucking case.

00:55:49.000 It's 30 years ago.

00:55:51.000 And I think the reason why emotion is there is because I hadn't had to deal with it all of these years.

00:55:57.000 Right.

00:55:58.000 You know, when you compress shit, it's okay until a motherfucker cracked that door open.

00:56:05.000 Right.

00:56:06.000 So I did a lot of crying with her.

00:56:10.000 Right.

00:56:10.000 Yeah, that's the case with a lot of people, and they recall ancient things that happened to them.

00:56:17.000 You don't even realize how much it affected you until you start talking about it, and then you start crying, and you realize, wow, that played a major part in fucking me up.

00:56:26.000 Yeah, you know, and I'm 42, I mean, I'm 42 years old, and I, you know, I still can remember my mama saying, white people is better than you.

00:56:35.000 So for years, Joe, I was scared of white people.

00:56:37.000 I never had to deal with, y'all didn't come to my fucking hood.

00:56:40.000 I didn't go out looking for y'all.

00:56:42.000 So I didn't really have to deal with white people until I moved to Indianapolis in my comedy career, because there was no urban scene.

00:56:48.000 Because when I first started comedy, I was on the urban scene.

00:56:51.000 So you don't see white people coming to too many urbans, a little small hole in the wall.

00:56:56.000 So when I got to...

00:56:57.000 Isn't it funny that urban is black?

00:56:59.000 Yeah.

00:57:00.000 How the fuck did that happen?

00:57:02.000 How did it become urban?

00:57:03.000 I have no idea.

00:57:04.000 Urban means city.

00:57:06.000 Everybody lives in the fucking city.

00:57:08.000 I mean, half the world lives in the city.

00:57:11.000 Like, how weird is it that urban...

00:57:14.000 My people, white people.

00:57:15.000 Do you think it's like a euphemism for black?

00:57:17.000 They wanted to have a nice way of saying black, so they came up with urban?

00:57:21.000 Yes.

00:57:21.000 Urban crime.

00:57:23.000 Urban crime, yeah.

00:57:24.000 Inner city.

00:57:25.000 So you started doing urban rooms?

00:57:28.000 Yeah, when I first started.

00:57:29.000 So when my husband's job transferred us to Indianapolis, it was no scene there.

00:57:33.000 So I had to go into the mainstream club, which was Morty's and crackers and stuff.

00:57:39.000 And I would just, you know, kind of fucking chucking...

00:57:42.000 Do what I was doing to one of the managers, Avery.

00:57:45.000 Hey, Avery, he love your podcast.

00:57:47.000 And I would tell him these stories.

00:57:48.000 He's like, you should really talk about your life.

00:57:50.000 And when I started to talk about my life, you know, people, they would just come to me.

00:57:53.000 Oh, you so funny.

00:57:54.000 Get your fucking hands on me.

00:57:55.000 I wouldn't say that to them.

00:57:57.000 But in my mind, my mind was fucked up because she said, don't white people are better than you.

00:58:02.000 Never look them in the eye.

00:58:03.000 Well, who fucking said that to you?

00:58:05.000 Your mom said white people are better than you.

00:58:05.000 My mother.

00:58:08.000 Never look them in the eye.

00:58:09.000 What did she mean by that?

00:58:11.000 I don't know.

00:58:12.000 But they're better than you.

00:58:14.000 They are.

00:58:14.000 That's what she said.

00:58:15.000 My mama was born in the 40s, so she was a part of that whole civil right movement.

00:58:20.000 And you had a lot of people that believed that bullshit, that we are different.

00:58:26.000 They were different back then.

00:58:28.000 So she taught me white people was better than me.

00:58:30.000 Never look you in the eye.

00:58:32.000 And until I moved to Indianapolis, I could never look them in the eye.

00:58:36.000 And I told my husband this story.

00:58:37.000 He was like, we all the fucking same.

00:58:39.000 Because, you know, white women are so friendly, so they would run up to me and kiss me.

00:58:42.000 Oh, you're so funny.

00:58:43.000 But in my mind, I'm like, bitch, you don't get your motherfucking hand out of me.

00:58:45.000 I'm going to choke the shit at you.

00:58:48.000 You know what's fucked up?

00:58:49.000 We don't think about it in perspective, but we are as close to 1940s as the 1940s were to slavery.

00:58:59.000 You don't think about it like that, but that's reality.

00:59:01.000 Slavery ended in 1875. Think about that.

00:59:04.000 Think about 1875 to 1940. You know, it's not that much time.

00:59:08.000 It's not that much time.

00:59:10.000 65 years, you know, whatever.

00:59:12.000 Plus or minus 10 years.

00:59:13.000 Not that much time.

00:59:14.000 And then you go from 1940, you know, you're dealing with 70 years to today, 74 years, 75 years from 1940, give or take a few here or there.

00:59:25.000 That's crazy.

00:59:26.000 That's weird when you really think about it.

00:59:26.000 Yeah.

00:59:28.000 Like, that's not that far away where people owned people in this fucking country.

00:59:34.000 Yeah.

00:59:35.000 And your mother grew up with the echoes, you know, the reverberations of that era and the Civil War.

00:59:42.000 I mean, people going to war over that.

00:59:44.000 Yeah.

00:59:45.000 That's fucked up if you really stop and think about it.

00:59:48.000 Your mom was as close to goddamn Lincoln being president As we are...

00:59:53.000 She was born in 40...

00:59:54.000 I think my dad was born in 42 and she was born in 49?

00:59:59.000 My dad was born in 30-something.

01:00:01.000 My dad was born in the 30s.

01:00:02.000 I don't fucking know.

01:00:04.000 He died when he was almost 70. But she died at 39. She was as close to Lincoln being president as we are to Eisenhower being president, which is fucking weird.

01:00:15.000 That is weird.

01:00:16.000 That's weird to think of.

01:00:18.000 We look at history, when you start thinking about slavery, we start thinking about Abraham Lincoln, that seems so long ago.

01:00:25.000 It does.

01:00:26.000 Impossibly long ago.

01:00:27.000 But then when you do the numbers, and you go, wait a minute, oh shit, whoa, 1865, that is not, 1875, that's not that long ago.

01:00:36.000 It's not.

01:00:37.000 It's not.

01:00:37.000 It's just not.

01:00:38.000 It's not that long ago.

01:00:40.000 It's weird.

01:00:41.000 It's weird that it's not, but it really isn't.

01:00:43.000 It's just the human...

01:00:47.000 Like, the toll that that sort of life paid or that had to be paid by people of having slavery and having just rampant racism throughout this country and having two completely different groups of people,

01:01:04.000 white people and black people, and that black people are literally your mother telling you that white people are better than you.

01:01:10.000 The toll of that, like, the impact of that.

01:01:13.000 Goddamn, that's gonna take a long time to settle the fuck down.

01:01:16.000 Well, I mean, I'm getting over it now.

01:01:18.000 I realize we're all the same.

01:01:19.000 You know better than me.

01:01:21.000 You are, but you think a lot, and you're a very smart person.

01:01:24.000 You're exposed to a lot of different things.

01:01:26.000 Yeah.

01:01:26.000 I mean, think about how many people just don't get that message.

01:01:29.000 You know what?

01:01:30.000 And I took my brother to a show in Lafayette, Indiana.

01:01:33.000 I did around Thanksgiving.

01:01:34.000 My family came up.

01:01:36.000 So I take my brother to them.

01:01:37.000 They just think I'm some open mic.

01:01:39.000 They don't really know what I do, you know, because I don't see my family a lot.

01:01:43.000 So I take my brother to Lafayette, Indiana, and 300-something white people come out.

01:01:43.000 Right.

01:01:47.000 All white people.

01:01:48.000 We're the only black people.

01:01:49.000 And so I said, I don't have that many black people that come out to see me.

01:01:52.000 So I told him, I said, I knew there wasn't going to be any black people, so I brought black people with me, my family.

01:01:57.000 And so I'm telling these jokes about my life, how we grew up.

01:02:00.000 My brother over there crying laughing.

01:02:01.000 And so when I finished him, we get in the car.

01:02:04.000 He said, rabbit.

01:02:05.000 How them crackers let you talk to them like that?

01:02:08.000 Rabbit, that's right.

01:02:09.000 You forget your street name.

01:02:11.000 They don't call me Patricia.

01:02:13.000 Your whole family calls you by your crack dealer name.

01:02:17.000 I thought it was hilarious.

01:02:18.000 That is so nuts.

01:02:19.000 I was like, Tony, nobody say crackers anymore, and they're white people, okay?

01:02:25.000 Isn't that a club, Crackers?

01:02:26.000 Yeah, it's a club, Crackers.

01:02:28.000 But that's also white people.

01:02:30.000 All filled with white people.

01:02:32.000 Crackers and it's filled with white people.

01:02:34.000 Goddamn.

01:02:35.000 Yeah.

01:02:35.000 That's got to be weird having your brother call you Cracker.

01:02:37.000 Or a rabbit, rather.

01:02:39.000 Well, you know, I try to stop him, but me and my cousins call me Rabbit.

01:02:43.000 Because I don't know.

01:02:45.000 Everybody calls me Cracker.

01:02:45.000 That's when we're going to name the book Rabbit.

01:02:47.000 Oh, really?

01:02:48.000 Yes, we're going to name the book Rabbit.

01:02:50.000 Miss Pat, a.k.a.

01:02:51.000 Rabbit?

01:02:52.000 I don't know how it's going to go, but I know they decided on Rabbit.

01:02:55.000 They think Rabbit got a pop to it.

01:02:57.000 Yeah, you should use your real name, the name you use on stage.

01:03:01.000 Don't let them use any other name.

01:03:02.000 Miss Pat.

01:03:03.000 Make sure Miss Pat is in the title somehow or another.

01:03:05.000 Otherwise, people won't find it.

01:03:07.000 Okay.

01:03:08.000 Thank you for telling me.

01:03:09.000 You hear that, HarperCollins?

01:03:10.000 Because they're listening to you.

01:03:11.000 Don't get stupid, HarperCollins.

01:03:12.000 Don't get creative, you weird white people.

01:03:14.000 Leave her alone.

01:03:15.000 They just think it's cool.

01:03:16.000 They just want to be able to call you rabbit.

01:03:18.000 Rabbit, the story of Miss Pat.

01:03:20.000 I don't fucking like the name Rabbit.

01:03:22.000 I don't like the name.

01:03:23.000 You know what?

01:03:24.000 If you call me Rabbit, then you know me.

01:03:27.000 You know, if you call me Miss Pat, then you a fan.

01:03:29.000 I go home, I'm Pat.

01:03:31.000 But if you call me Rabbit, you know my fucking path.

01:03:33.000 And it creeps me out.

01:03:36.000 I was like, don't fucking call me Rabbit.

01:03:38.000 So do you say that to your family?

01:03:39.000 Don't call me Rabbit?

01:03:40.000 I try to tell them, but I don't even think they know my real fucking name.

01:03:46.000 My brother called me, what you doing rap?

01:03:48.000 Motherfucker, I'm Pat now.

01:03:50.000 Okay?

01:03:51.000 I'm Pat now.

01:03:52.000 Because you know I got a brother named Anthony and Tony.

01:03:54.000 Right.

01:03:55.000 So I be like, do I call you and call you Anthony?

01:03:59.000 Don't I call you Ant, bitch?

01:04:00.000 I mean, I call him Anthony.

01:04:02.000 I don't call him Ant anymore.

01:04:04.000 Yeah, we used to call him Ant.

01:04:04.000 You used to call him Ant.

01:04:06.000 But that's short for Anthony.

01:04:07.000 That makes sense.

01:04:08.000 But I call him Anthony and I tell him to call me Pat.

01:04:11.000 But he won't.

01:04:12.000 He won't.

01:04:13.000 Motherfucker.

01:04:14.000 And my brother Tony, my brother Tony, he's real, real black.

01:04:17.000 So we used to call him Itchy.

01:04:21.000 I don't call you Itchy, bitch.

01:04:23.000 Don't call me Rabbit.

01:04:24.000 Why'd you call him Itchy?

01:04:24.000 Because he was real black.

01:04:25.000 I don't know.

01:04:26.000 Because he always looked like he needed lotion.

01:04:27.000 Brian, what are you doing over there?

01:04:28.000 Answering emails?

01:04:29.000 Looked like he needed to be stretched.

01:04:29.000 No.

01:04:31.000 He always looked dry.

01:04:32.000 And my sister's nickname was Maypop.

01:04:35.000 Maypop?

01:04:36.000 Yeah.

01:04:36.000 Why Maypop?

01:04:37.000 I don't fucking know, Joe, where we got these names from.

01:04:40.000 Maypop is very specific.

01:04:43.000 It's a state flower somewhere.

01:04:44.000 A Maypop is a...

01:04:46.000 Flower.

01:04:47.000 Google it.

01:04:48.000 That's how I learned it.

01:04:49.000 M-A-Y-P-O-P. Maypop flower.

01:04:49.000 Maypop.

01:04:53.000 Is that a flower in Minneapolis?

01:04:55.000 I've seen it somewhere.

01:04:55.000 I don't know.

01:04:57.000 Yeah, it's a flower.

01:04:58.000 It's beautiful.

01:04:59.000 It's purple.

01:05:00.000 Purple passion flower.

01:05:01.000 I have no idea why.

01:05:03.000 Maybe they thought she was a flower.

01:05:04.000 She was really pretty before crack.

01:05:07.000 Passiflora incarnata.

01:05:09.000 Hmm.

01:05:10.000 Yeah, it's beautiful.

01:05:11.000 I know my mama didn't read that shit.

01:05:12.000 Yeah, commonly known as Maypop, purple passionflower, the passionflower, wild apricot, and wild passion vine, a fast-growing perennial vine.

01:05:22.000 My sister don't look shit like that.

01:05:24.000 Well, it's a beautiful flower, though.

01:05:25.000 It is a beautiful flower.

01:05:26.000 If you want to call somebody something like that, I mean, that's a nice thing.

01:05:29.000 You know what's crazy?

01:05:30.000 Because it's wide open, so that replicates her legs.

01:05:34.000 Her legs are always wide open?

01:05:36.000 Yeah.

01:05:37.000 How dare she?

01:05:38.000 Yeah.

01:05:39.000 But her name was Maypop, and I have a brother that's named George.

01:05:42.000 We called him Bo.

01:05:44.000 Bo.

01:05:45.000 Yeah, he's biracial.

01:05:46.000 He's really biracial, but my mama said we all got the same daddy.

01:05:49.000 Ain't no fucking way when this man black is fucking cuda brown.

01:05:53.000 So how Bo is biracial.

01:05:56.000 He looks like he's white.

01:05:57.000 He looks like he's what?

01:05:59.000 Fuck yeah!

01:06:00.000 Yeah, he looks like he's white.

01:06:02.000 But your mother says it comes from the same guy.

01:06:04.000 Yes, and he's a junior.

01:06:05.000 So I was like, I know why daddy beat your ass.

01:06:11.000 Because when I gave a writer my brothers and sisters a picture so she can kind of visualize who I'm talking about, she was like, who is this little white girl?

01:06:20.000 I was like, that's my oldest brother.

01:06:23.000 Wow.

01:06:24.000 She thought he was a little white girl.

01:06:26.000 Jesus.

01:06:27.000 Yeah, but he's black.

01:06:28.000 I mean, but I don't know what he is.

01:06:30.000 We don't talk about it.

01:06:31.000 He's in jail right now.

01:06:33.000 What's he in jail for?

01:06:35.000 DUI. Poor Bo.

01:06:37.000 Yeah.

01:06:37.000 He's been in jail all his life.

01:06:38.000 All of us have.

01:06:39.000 Mm-hmm.

01:06:39.000 Oh, really?

01:06:40.000 May Pop just got out of jail.

01:06:40.000 Damn.

01:06:42.000 For what?

01:06:44.000 What did May Pop...

01:06:45.000 Oh, she ran over the crack here.

01:06:46.000 Remember I told you that they were smoking crack?

01:06:48.000 And she backed up over her too many times and they gave her two years or something.

01:06:48.000 Oh, that's right.

01:06:51.000 Too many times.

01:06:52.000 Too many times.

01:06:53.000 The transvestite, my cousin, transvestite girlfriend.

01:06:56.000 Right, right, right.

01:06:57.000 I forgot about that story.

01:06:58.000 So she's out now.

01:06:59.000 For those who haven't heard that story, refer to podcast number one.

01:07:02.000 Miss Pat.

01:07:02.000 Yeah.

01:07:03.000 So she's out now.

01:07:04.000 She's out now.

01:07:05.000 Yeah, she's in a drug program.

01:07:09.000 She's getting her tokens day by day, I guess.

01:07:11.000 I don't know.

01:07:12.000 Now, when they see you being successful and becoming famous and doing really well, and they go to see you at a comedy club with 300 white people laughing and having a great time, are they happy for you?

01:07:24.000 I, you know, I don't think they, I don't really think they, they got it yet.

01:07:30.000 You know, they still think, oh, Pat just out here, you know, open mic, and I don't think they know what I'm exactly doing, because I'm not on TV. So if you ain't on TV to black people, you ain't made it.

01:07:40.000 But you're on Ari Shaffir's show.

01:07:41.000 You're on this Comedy Central show that's going to be, I think it's this Thursday.

01:07:45.000 No, it's next week.

01:07:46.000 Next week.

01:07:47.000 They changed it.

01:07:47.000 No.

01:07:48.000 My sister ain't gonna watch no fucking Comedy Central.

01:07:51.000 They don't watch Comedy Central even though you're on it?

01:07:53.000 No.

01:07:54.000 Why not?

01:07:55.000 She probably ain't got cable for it, first of all.

01:07:58.000 She just asked me for $20 to pay her rent.

01:08:00.000 So she probably ain't got no goddamn cable.

01:08:02.000 I don't know.

01:08:04.000 I don't know.

01:08:05.000 I need to call and say, hey, you got Comedy Central, you should watch me.

01:08:09.000 You should have a viewing party with all your friends back in Indiana.

01:08:12.000 Family.

01:08:13.000 You don't have them over your house?

01:08:14.000 My family's not in Indianapolis.

01:08:16.000 No, they're in Atlanta.

01:08:17.000 So you don't want to have them fly out just to...

01:08:20.000 Who got that kind of money?

01:08:21.000 They ain't never been on no plane.

01:08:23.000 They've never been on a plane?

01:08:24.000 No.

01:08:25.000 They've been on a bus going to court.

01:08:30.000 Wow.

01:08:30.000 They ain't never been on no plane.

01:08:32.000 I didn't start flying until I became a comedian.

01:08:36.000 Really?

01:08:36.000 How old were you the first time you got on an airplane?

01:08:39.000 What?

01:08:39.000 I've been doing this, what, 11, 12 years?

01:08:43.000 Late 20s.

01:08:44.000 Wow!

01:08:45.000 So the first time you got on an airplane, were you shitting your pants?

01:08:47.000 I had somebody go with me.

01:08:48.000 I had a friend who worked at the airline.

01:08:50.000 And you know, my mom just...

01:08:51.000 Black people scared to fly.

01:08:53.000 That is so fucking true.

01:08:55.000 We'd rather drive 25 hours to get on a plane.

01:08:59.000 Honestly, you might think I'm lying.

01:09:00.000 My granddaddy married this lady who had some money.

01:09:03.000 And she said...

01:09:04.000 Wait a minute, your grand...

01:09:05.000 My grandfather...

01:09:06.000 He's dead now.

01:09:06.000 He married this lady who had some money.

01:09:09.000 She wanted to go on a honeymoon.

01:09:11.000 He was like, I don't want to go on a fucking plane.

01:09:13.000 Now this man, he's 60. So she talked to him on the plane.

01:09:17.000 He came back and divorced that bitch.

01:09:19.000 He said, I told that bitch I didn't want to fly.

01:09:22.000 He came back from the honeymoon and they never lived together.

01:09:22.000 Wow.

01:09:25.000 Just because she made him fly?

01:09:26.000 She made him fly.

01:09:27.000 Wow.

01:09:28.000 So I was always scared.

01:09:29.000 My mom was like, don't get on a fucking plane.

01:09:32.000 It ain't for us.

01:09:33.000 What was the gig?

01:09:34.000 It ain't for us.

01:09:35.000 White people are better than you.

01:09:37.000 She was saying only white people fly.

01:09:37.000 Don't get on planes.

01:09:39.000 Y'all like dying in the air.

01:09:41.000 When you light my cigarette, make sure you take two hits even though you're six.

01:09:45.000 This is how you make my drink.

01:09:46.000 This is how you keep a wallet in your back pocket.

01:09:49.000 Basically, everything your mother told you was wrong.

01:09:51.000 Did she ever give you any good advice?

01:09:54.000 No.

01:09:55.000 No.

01:09:55.000 No, she didn't.

01:09:56.000 She didn't know shit.

01:09:57.000 She didn't know.

01:09:58.000 How do you fault her?

01:09:59.000 You know what?

01:10:00.000 I said my mama did the best that she could because she could have been like these new bitches of the day and just dropped us off and kept going.

01:10:07.000 You know, these whole leaving these babies at the mall.

01:10:09.000 She struggled with her five kids.

01:10:11.000 I think, you know, she gave us what she was handed down.

01:10:16.000 And until somebody tap you on the shoulder and say, hey, it's different shit out here.

01:10:16.000 Right.

01:10:19.000 Let's try something different like my husband did with me.

01:10:22.000 Then you don't know.

01:10:23.000 I mean, I got cousins who live in just like my mama.

01:10:26.000 All these different...

01:10:27.000 I mean, all these kids and welfare and no job.

01:10:30.000 It just...

01:10:31.000 It just keep being handed down.

01:10:33.000 Criminal activity, going to jail.

01:10:36.000 You know, they...

01:10:37.000 Like, my brother got two kids and I follow him on Instagram, right?

01:10:41.000 And they always in the hood.

01:10:42.000 Got on my fresh joy.

01:10:44.000 I'm freshen this bitch.

01:10:45.000 And I said, look at these stupid motherfuckers.

01:10:47.000 Look at these stupid motherfuckers.

01:10:49.000 I'm about to go wait in line for tennis shoes.

01:10:51.000 Really, motherfucker?

01:10:53.000 But that's all they know.

01:10:53.000 Really?

01:10:55.000 They're imitating their atmosphere.

01:10:56.000 Yeah.

01:10:57.000 I mean, that's what you saw and you became the same.

01:11:00.000 But your children are seeing something different.

01:11:03.000 I mean, that's what's really fascinating.

01:11:04.000 Especially as you become successful, your children are seeing you that's learned and grown.

01:11:10.000 And we talked about this last time you were on here.

01:11:13.000 The conversations that you had with your daughter when you've let your daughter know, like, look, this is me.

01:11:18.000 I was very young when I had you, and I've learned some things.

01:11:21.000 And along the way, I've become a better person and a different person, and you're a different person, a better person than I was when I was your age.

01:11:28.000 And it's like this...

01:11:30.000 Information that you're picking up, you're spreading to your kids.

01:11:33.000 You broke the chain.

01:11:34.000 You've broken the cycle.

01:11:36.000 That's got to be very happy for you.

01:11:38.000 I'm very happy because, you know, one of the concerns I had was dropout.

01:11:41.000 Nobody graduated.

01:11:42.000 Like, I dropped out in eighth and my sister dropped out and mom and everybody going to jail and teenage pregnancy.

01:11:49.000 I said to myself, you motherfuckers would not be fucking my baby at 14. I don't know who motherfuckers I was talking about, but I'm just talking about in general.

01:11:58.000 Right.

01:11:59.000 Well, she ended up being gay, so she could have used a little dick along the way.

01:12:05.000 Do you think that she's gay by nature or by nurture?

01:12:09.000 I don't know.

01:12:11.000 Because she said she was born gay.

01:12:12.000 I said not according to the ultrasound.

01:12:14.000 The ultrasound?

01:12:16.000 Yeah.

01:12:16.000 Says whether you're gay or not?

01:12:17.000 She wasn't sucking on me when she was in my stomach, so I don't know where she'd get that habit from.

01:12:27.000 I don't know.

01:12:28.000 She said she was born that way, Joe.

01:12:30.000 Don't you trust her?

01:12:31.000 I mean, if she says that, if she's always been attracted to him.

01:12:34.000 Now, I think also that my daughter did not have a good example of what a man should have been.

01:12:41.000 Because she always saw her daddy beating me.

01:12:43.000 She was there when her daddy shot me.

01:12:45.000 She was there with all the abuse.

01:12:47.000 Half of the bitches I caught them cheating with, my daughter took me to the house.

01:12:51.000 Right.

01:12:51.000 So her vision of a man at that time was like, she was like, I don't like boys.

01:12:56.000 I can remember her as a little girl saying, I don't like boys because they hit you.

01:13:01.000 Well, there is that.

01:13:04.000 That is a factor for sure.

01:13:07.000 There's that.

01:13:08.000 Women that have been abused, that have turned to gay relationships, there's women that weren't gay when they were young or didn't think they were gay when they were young.

01:13:16.000 They were involved in Male-female relationships, but they encountered so many assholes that they just wanted love.

01:13:23.000 And it's more acceptable for a woman to become gay, too, than a man to become gay.

01:13:28.000 For a guy to become gay, it's very difficult for straight men.

01:13:31.000 Y'all can't go back.

01:13:32.000 No, they can't go back.

01:13:33.000 Yeah, your ass popped, that's it.

01:13:35.000 Yeah, no man cares if a woman has lesbian relationships.

01:13:38.000 It's nice.

01:13:38.000 It's like you took a break from dick.

01:13:40.000 It's like you're a virgin reborn.

01:13:42.000 You know?

01:13:43.000 Men don't mind.

01:13:43.000 They think it's hot.

01:13:44.000 Well, my daughter, she doesn't do that, you know, switching back and forth.

01:13:48.000 She's just strictly, always have been.

01:13:50.000 I mean, I can remember, we started noticing, like I said, around middle school.

01:13:55.000 We went over my super safe mother-in-law house.

01:13:59.000 Super safe?

01:14:00.000 She's super safe.

01:14:01.000 All she do is pray.

01:14:02.000 And this is what she told my husband.

01:14:03.000 She said, y'all need to pray for this girl.

01:14:05.000 She got a gay spirit.

01:14:11.000 Me and my mother-in-law at the time wasn't really tight, so I was like, fuck her and we need to pray for her wig because it's dried out.

01:14:19.000 She had a gay spirit.

01:14:21.000 That's what she told my husband.

01:14:23.000 She didn't tell me that because I probably would have cussed her ass out.

01:14:26.000 How old was your daughter when she was born?

01:14:27.000 My daughter was probably nine, ten.

01:14:30.000 Whoa, when she was nine or ten.

01:14:33.000 We was over at my mother-in-law's house, and when I got home, my mother said, Ashley has a gay spirit on her.

01:14:40.000 Oh my goodness.

01:14:41.000 But if you ask Ashley, she said she's been gay since elementary.

01:14:46.000 I mean, she said she knew when she really started liking girls in elementary.

01:14:50.000 Well, what's interesting is that you experienced the same sort of thing that she experienced, meaning that your mother was abused by your father and that you saw violence and you saw a young pregnancy and all that stuff, but her reaction was very different than your reaction.

01:15:06.000 You love men.

01:15:07.000 Yeah, I've never been with a woman.

01:15:09.000 So I tend to think she's probably, it's probably a little bit of both, you know?

01:15:13.000 She's probably born, I mean, obviously people are born gay, right?

01:15:16.000 Okay.

01:15:16.000 I gotta assume.

01:15:18.000 I got some gay neighbors, I can't imagine these dudes with a chick.

01:15:21.000 They're gay.

01:15:21.000 They're gay as fuck.

01:15:22.000 They've always been gay.

01:15:23.000 Well, I've seen little kids that act like they're, you know, real young, so I do believe that people can be born gay.

01:15:29.000 I mean, if you see a five-year-old hitting a split, I like, I got a nephew.

01:15:33.000 I got a nephew.

01:15:34.000 He hit a split?

01:15:35.000 Yeah, he hit a split.

01:15:36.000 So stretching means you're gay?

01:15:38.000 No, like he was a fucking girl.

01:15:40.000 And I was like, oh my god, that baby is gay.

01:15:42.000 Well, hold on.

01:15:43.000 Maybe just like Jean-Claude Van Damme movies.

01:15:46.000 Let's throw some kicks.

01:15:47.000 No.

01:15:48.000 No.

01:15:49.000 He was in a split, like a cheerleader.

01:15:51.000 They was cheering.

01:15:52.000 Yeah, he was about five.

01:15:55.000 But I have a nephew that I know that's gay.

01:15:59.000 And he called me when he was younger.

01:16:03.000 I think he's probably 12 now, but he called me one day.

01:16:06.000 He started looking gay real young to me.

01:16:08.000 He started looking gay real young.

01:16:12.000 How was that?

01:16:13.000 Probably about seven.

01:16:14.000 He just had those tendencies.

01:16:15.000 And his mama would say, your brother, because this is my brother's son, your brother need to be around my son because he like my shoes and he like my clothes and he like my wigs.

01:16:23.000 So you kind of ignore it as just a boy, you know, trying to find himself.

01:16:27.000 But my nephew called me a couple years back and he was like, because he think I'm famous.

01:16:31.000 And he was like, auntie, do you, I'm singing now, I'm in a singing group.

01:16:36.000 I said, oh, really?

01:16:37.000 So, you know, you think that's a black kid, he an R&B singer or a rapper?

01:16:40.000 So I said, well, what you singing, baby?

01:16:41.000 Oh, me and my group be singing All the Single Ladies.

01:16:49.000 So he sings Beyonce songs.

01:16:51.000 He sings Beyonce songs and Rihanna songs and he be sending me gay ass videos.

01:16:57.000 I be telling my brother.

01:16:59.000 How old is he now?

01:17:00.000 He's 14. And he fight a lot because my brother just told me he fight a lot at school because kids mess with him at school a lot.

01:17:08.000 So I think he's gay.

01:17:09.000 I just think, you know, I think he's gay, but he don't know he's gay.

01:17:12.000 So once he finds himself and not worry about what other people think of him, then he'll come out to be gay.

01:17:19.000 Like, I got a lot of gay people in my family.

01:17:21.000 Interesting.

01:17:22.000 It sounds like he's gay.

01:17:24.000 I mean, he probably knows he's gay.

01:17:26.000 He's singing all the single ladies.

01:17:27.000 And can dance.

01:17:29.000 He can twerk like a pussy between his legs.

01:17:34.000 I'm telling you, my nephew can cut a rug like a girl.

01:17:40.000 He cuts a rug.

01:17:41.000 Cut a rug.

01:17:42.000 That's an expression you don't hear anymore.

01:17:44.000 Cut a rug.

01:17:44.000 No.

01:17:46.000 Cut a rug.

01:17:47.000 I was like, Lord, have mercy.

01:17:48.000 This is hilarious.

01:17:50.000 That's me stretching.

01:17:52.000 That's you?

01:17:53.000 That's me, stretching.

01:17:55.000 Yeah.

01:17:56.000 See?

01:17:56.000 I could do a split.

01:17:58.000 Oh, shit.

01:17:58.000 Does it make me gay?

01:17:59.000 No, that don't make you gay.

01:18:00.000 That look manly.

01:18:01.000 I get confused.

01:18:02.000 That ain't what my nephew do.

01:18:03.000 My nephew sit on his balls.

01:18:03.000 It's manly.

01:18:05.000 He sits on his balls.

01:18:08.000 You know how a girl here is splitting her vagina right down the floor?

01:18:11.000 You got your shit just spread like this.

01:18:12.000 My nephew sit on his balls.

01:18:13.000 This is a little kid that used to live in my neighborhood.

01:18:15.000 He was gay as fuck.

01:18:16.000 And he was only like five years old.

01:18:17.000 And his mother was trying to get him into football.

01:18:19.000 It was hilarious.

01:18:20.000 Like they were trying to get him to do manly stuff.

01:18:23.000 And he just wanted to play with dolls.

01:18:25.000 He just wanted to play with girls.

01:18:26.000 And like his mother was talking to my wife.

01:18:30.000 You know, and trying to, like, figure out a way.

01:18:34.000 Like, you know, I just want to get him to get enough football.

01:18:37.000 I just think that if he's around more men, and I'm like, oh, no.

01:18:40.000 Like, she's in denial.

01:18:42.000 Like, she doesn't want a gay son.

01:18:44.000 You could tell she was resisting this.

01:18:47.000 It was upsetting her.

01:18:48.000 It was almost like she was reaching out to try to get someone to say, yeah, yeah.

01:18:52.000 If you just get him into football, that'll fix him.

01:18:56.000 Yeah, he'll just turn straight.

01:18:58.000 Meanwhile, he was like, I love your toys.

01:19:01.000 Can I play with your toys?

01:19:02.000 He was gay.

01:19:03.000 He was a little gay guy.

01:19:06.000 She didn't want to accept it.

01:19:08.000 Yeah, he was born like that.

01:19:09.000 Yeah, he's born like that.

01:19:11.000 Definitely.

01:19:12.000 I mean, there's a study they did in Rome, some Italian university, where they believe that with gay men that it's a variation of the X chromosome because they found that women who were promiscuous,

01:19:29.000 like ultra-promiscuous, had greater instances of homosexual male sons.

01:19:36.000 I'm glad I didn't give up a lot.

01:19:39.000 What they thought was that it's possible that some women, like, some people are just hypersexual.

01:19:47.000 Like, there's different levels, just like there's different levels of intelligence and different levels of, you know, some people have great singing voices.

01:19:55.000 Some people are just, sex feels better to them.

01:19:58.000 They're more attracted to it.

01:20:00.000 They want it all the time.

01:20:01.000 And some girls could not be with one man.

01:20:04.000 And when they found women who are just almost like chronically promiscuous, and not just promiscuous, but would cheat on their husbands, cheat on their boyfriends, and just fucked everybody they could, those women had a greater instance of having gay sons.

01:20:20.000 And they felt like this is probably, like there's a genetic factor.

01:20:24.000 So they like so much dick, it get passed down to the son liking dick.

01:20:27.000 Yep, yep.

01:20:28.000 Yeah, that it literally passed down to the son.

01:20:30.000 I need to call my nephew, mom, and ask her, do she like a loud dick?

01:20:34.000 Do you like a lot of variety in your day?

01:20:37.000 Hmm.

01:20:38.000 Because my nephew, honey, he be sending me videos.

01:20:40.000 I was like, Lord have mercy.

01:20:42.000 The videos of dancing.

01:20:43.000 I took him to Disney World with my kids.

01:20:45.000 And, you know, my son, I have a 14-year-old son.

01:20:47.000 So at the time, this has been about three, four years ago.

01:20:50.000 And so I got him there, you know, kind of get him the bun because they cousin, they don't get to see each other.

01:20:54.000 So my son comes back and says, Mama, what's wrong with him?

01:20:57.000 I said, what you mean what's wrong with him?

01:20:59.000 He just want to sit there and let the water hit his balls and stuff.

01:21:04.000 Water hit his balls?

01:21:05.000 What water?

01:21:06.000 You know, they would go down in that walk-down pool.

01:21:08.000 Oh, I see.

01:21:08.000 My nephew would just sit up there and let the water hit him between the legs.

01:21:12.000 Smart kid.

01:21:13.000 And my son was like, I think he gay.

01:21:16.000 I said, shut the fuck up, he ain't gay.

01:21:18.000 And now look, he was right.

01:21:20.000 I mean, he haven't came out yet.

01:21:22.000 You're not gay until you say...

01:21:23.000 I mean, my daughter was not gay until she told me over the phone.

01:21:28.000 We assumed she was gay.

01:21:30.000 Well, she was gay before that.

01:21:32.000 Yes, because she went to college just to eat pussy.

01:21:35.000 She went to college and lost her fucking mind.

01:21:38.000 Just to eat pussy?

01:21:39.000 I think her major was eating pussy.

01:21:46.000 She lost her mind in college.

01:21:48.000 Do you think you'd be more accepting of a girl, daughter, a daughter being gay, or a son being gay?

01:21:54.000 Like, if you think about your girl eating pussy, you know, I'm sure it's kind of, you know, it takes a while to get used to, but is that the same as your son taking it in the ass?

01:22:06.000 I mean, I would think that that would be...

01:22:10.000 I would think that would be on the hierarchy of sexual acceptance.

01:22:15.000 That would be a little bit more difficulty.

01:22:17.000 I don't know, Joe.

01:22:18.000 I'm glad my daughter's not the stud in the relationship.

01:22:22.000 Right, that she's the woman.

01:22:23.000 Yes, that she's the woman.

01:22:24.000 What is her girlfriend like?

01:22:27.000 Like fucking butch and shit.

01:22:29.000 Yeah, butch chicks.

01:22:31.000 She was dating a white chick.

01:22:33.000 She just dumped her.

01:22:34.000 I liked her.

01:22:35.000 Oh my God, I like this white girl.

01:22:37.000 My daughter a whore.

01:22:38.000 I told my daughter, I said, I'm so glad you gay because if you took as much dick as you eat much pussy, you would be wore out.

01:22:46.000 War out.

01:22:47.000 It wouldn't be nothing down there.

01:22:48.000 She likes a little variety.

01:22:49.000 No, she just, she just, she is a whore.

01:22:52.000 Whoa, how dare you.

01:22:53.000 Not a whore.

01:22:54.000 Not like that.

01:22:54.000 I mean, she like, she like, I think she just got, she's switching up too much.

01:22:59.000 Yeah, I'm tired of this hoe.

01:22:59.000 Switching up too much.

01:23:01.000 It's time to go on to the next one.

01:23:03.000 Hmm.

01:23:03.000 And she'd never say, they're my girlfriends.

01:23:06.000 She'd say, these are my friends.

01:23:07.000 So what do people say when they like a lot of sex?

01:23:11.000 Everybody's their friends.

01:23:12.000 That's what people say when they like a lot of sex?

01:23:14.000 I think so.

01:23:15.000 I've never heard that before.

01:23:17.000 I've never heard that before.

01:23:18.000 From girls or guys?

01:23:19.000 From girls.

01:23:20.000 When you see somebody with different people all the time, and then they have maybe a six month relationship, three months relationship, and then you look up and they're with somebody else.

01:23:31.000 To me, that's a person, that's a greedy-ass person.

01:23:35.000 I haven't noticed that.

01:23:37.000 You know, one thing that guys do notice is when girls don't have any girlfriends, is when they only have a bunch of men friends.

01:23:45.000 There are girls that just have girlfriends.

01:23:47.000 And to a gal...

01:23:49.000 Every one of those girls that I've ever met that just has male friends is just taking dick all over to the place.

01:23:58.000 Everybody done fucked them.

01:23:59.000 On the sneak tip.

01:24:01.000 On the sneak tip.

01:24:02.000 We go play tennis.

01:24:03.000 Yeah.

01:24:04.000 Fucking in the car everywhere.

01:24:07.000 Yeah.

01:24:09.000 I mean, I wouldn't know.

01:24:10.000 I don't do stuff like that.

01:24:11.000 I understand.

01:24:12.000 I wasn't going to treat my vagina like that.

01:24:15.000 I already started early.

01:24:17.000 That was a lot of stress there.

01:24:18.000 I shouldn't say to a girl, because I do know some girls.

01:24:21.000 I should take that back.

01:24:22.000 I do know some girls that are promiscuous.

01:24:23.000 But now it's so popular where they'll sleep with their girlfriends.

01:24:26.000 It isn't so popular?

01:24:27.000 Yeah, they don't give a fuck.

01:24:28.000 They have a relationship with our girlfriend and say, we just got high and tried something new.

01:24:32.000 And like, they hit each other on the ass.

01:24:34.000 Like, when my daughter was in high school, all the girls would hit each other on the ass.

01:24:37.000 And I'm like, where y'all get up?

01:24:39.000 Wait a minute.

01:24:40.000 You say hit each other on the ass?

01:24:41.000 Yeah, you know, spank their ass or hit their titties.

01:24:45.000 Hit their titties?

01:24:46.000 Yeah, or they bump titties.

01:24:47.000 Is that really going on?

01:24:48.000 Where you come from, Joe?

01:24:50.000 You don't have teenage kids?

01:24:51.000 I grew up in Boston.

01:24:53.000 It's too cold for titty bumping.

01:24:53.000 Oh.

01:24:56.000 Especially titty hitting.

01:24:58.000 Yeah, they do all kind of freaky stuff with each other.

01:25:01.000 Yeah, they kiss that girlfriend.

01:25:01.000 Really?

01:25:02.000 I never thought about doing shit like that.

01:25:05.000 It wasn't going on when I was a kid.

01:25:07.000 It's porn, man.

01:25:08.000 It's so popular now.

01:25:09.000 Yeah, they don't have respect for themselves.

01:25:11.000 Even when I'm a girl, I still won't get dressed in front of my girlfriend.

01:25:15.000 Well, bitch, I'm going in this bathroom and flip my panties over.

01:25:18.000 Flip my panties over?

01:25:21.000 What is it, a pancake or a panty?

01:25:22.000 What the heck is going on there?

01:25:23.000 Are you making a steak?

01:25:26.000 Are you cooking a burger?

01:25:27.000 Some shit was done on the other side.

01:25:30.000 Oh, Lord.

01:25:30.000 So you turn them over inside out?

01:25:33.000 You turn them over inside out?

01:25:34.000 That's your remedy?

01:25:36.000 That's hilarious.

01:25:37.000 I'm just giving you a visual.

01:25:39.000 That's not a good visual, though.

01:25:40.000 I don't feel good right now.

01:25:42.000 Girls don't give a fuck what they do these days.

01:25:44.000 They don't give a fuck.

01:25:45.000 I think Brian's right.

01:25:46.000 I think it's a porn thing because the shaving of the vaginas, when I was in high school, didn't exist.

01:25:51.000 Girls had jungles down there, and now every...

01:25:54.000 Not that I know high school girls' pussies these days.

01:25:56.000 Oh, you're probably right.

01:25:58.000 But I would think that women today, like, the reason why they trim them like that is directly related to porn.

01:26:04.000 And, like, they would have sex now.

01:26:06.000 Even when I started young, if you gave it up, you wanted a relationship.

01:26:10.000 They don't give a fuck.

01:26:11.000 You can have sex with me and they never got to speak to me again.

01:26:13.000 I just wanted to try it out.

01:26:15.000 Like, it's a fucking ice cream and if you didn't like it, just throw it away.

01:26:18.000 Wait a minute.

01:26:19.000 There was a lot of girls who used to fuck and didn't want relationships, though.

01:26:22.000 Not where I come from.

01:26:24.000 Indianapolis?

01:26:25.000 No, I'm from Atlanta.

01:26:26.000 So in Atlanta, when girls would have sex with a man, they wanted a relationship?

01:26:29.000 In my neighborhood, yeah.

01:26:30.000 That was their boyfriend.

01:26:32.000 It wasn't just no random dude.

01:26:34.000 You know, you would say that little lie, do you want to be my girlfriend?

01:26:37.000 Check yes or no.

01:26:38.000 Oh, that shit.

01:26:40.000 Yes.

01:26:40.000 So that's what I told my baby daddy, even though he was 22 married.

01:26:46.000 I wanted a relationship.

01:26:47.000 And you know, you give it up, you want it to be special.

01:26:49.000 Now they just have sex, and they don't give a fuck.

01:26:53.000 I grew up where we had girls that just wanted to fuck, and there was a sewer behind our apartment, and all the popular kids would go down there, and they'd go inside the sewer and fuck them in the sewer.

01:27:03.000 In the sewer?

01:27:04.000 And it would just line up pretty much.

01:27:06.000 Was it a drain pipe?

01:27:08.000 Drain ditch type thing.

01:27:10.000 So it's for water, it's not sewer.

01:27:12.000 Sewer is where your shit water goes.

01:27:14.000 It's just like rain water.

01:27:15.000 It was like one of these huge tubes, and it just emptied out into this big field, but it never had anything in there, so it would go way back in there, and somebody put a couch back there at one point.

01:27:25.000 So you never had sex outside, Joe?

01:27:28.000 Of course I did.

01:27:28.000 Okay.

01:27:29.000 But not in the sewer.

01:27:30.000 Well, my kid's father was married, and he didn't have no fucking money, so we did it all the time in the graveyard.

01:27:37.000 Graveyards, interesting.

01:27:38.000 Yeah, they're really nice.

01:27:39.000 Nobody there.

01:27:40.000 They're just looking.

01:27:41.000 Yeah, I used to run in graveyards.

01:27:43.000 I don't think about it.

01:27:44.000 I used to do my road work because it would remind me that I was going to be dead someday.

01:27:48.000 I was going to be under this ground and not have any regrets.

01:27:51.000 Well, that's not true.

01:27:53.000 You can tell them to cook you and you just be floating in the ocean.

01:27:56.000 That's not what I mean.

01:27:57.000 I mean, being around.

01:27:59.000 Oh, they cook you and you'll be floating in the ocean.

01:28:02.000 Just being around cemeteries, like remind you that this is a temporary thing.

01:28:06.000 That one day, you know, you'll either be dead in the ocean, floating around, or you'll be buried.

01:28:16.000 Either way, the idea was that it reminded me.

01:28:19.000 I want to be buried on top because I can't breathe down now.

01:28:21.000 I'm claustrophobic, so I want you to bury me on top of the ground.

01:28:24.000 Oh, like they do in New Orleans?

01:28:26.000 Yeah.

01:28:26.000 They have those...

01:28:27.000 Well, they do them in different places if you pay for them.

01:28:29.000 Well, they do it in a lot of places where they have problems with the ground being underwater.

01:28:34.000 Like, what are they called?

01:28:36.000 Crips?

01:28:37.000 I have no idea.

01:28:38.000 Yeah, they make those things out of cement and they build them up so everything's above ground.

01:28:45.000 When my mama passed away, I was 16, so I would go to a grave sometime.

01:28:49.000 So my boyfriend bought her a little tombstone and stuff.

01:28:52.000 And I go out there one day with my silly ass.

01:28:54.000 She got an ant pile on top of her tombstone.

01:28:59.000 I go to my car, get gas, and set it on fire.

01:29:03.000 You set the anthill on fire because it was on your mother's tombstone?

01:29:03.000 What?

01:29:07.000 Yes, and I was trying to get rid of the ants and I set it on fire.

01:29:11.000 So everybody's shit out there burning.

01:29:13.000 I'm about to get arrested.

01:29:15.000 So you were pouring gasoline?

01:29:18.000 I poured just a little bit to kill the ant pile because it was huge.

01:29:22.000 And I just couldn't.

01:29:23.000 I wasn't thinking.

01:29:24.000 I was young.

01:29:25.000 Why was it on the stone?

01:29:27.000 You know, hers was flat.

01:29:29.000 With the ground, like that.

01:29:31.000 And so they had built up this big-ass pile, like, where you on top.

01:29:35.000 Well, not on top, like, you know, it was on there, and I wanted to get it off.

01:29:39.000 I caught myself cleaning her grave, and I go to my car, get just a little gasoline, set that bitch off, and her boyfriend is buried next to him, so he burning, she burning, I'm up there trying to put this shit out.

01:29:50.000 Her boyfriend was buried right next to her?

01:29:52.000 Her boyfriend was, yeah.

01:29:54.000 He bought the plot next to her.

01:29:56.000 When did he go?

01:29:58.000 I don't know, because after she died, you know, she just went to sleep and never woke up.

01:30:02.000 She wasn't sick.

01:30:04.000 I remember talking to her the week that she died, because she said, come over here and pay.

01:30:08.000 I was selling drugs.

01:30:09.000 So she was like, Rabbit, I need you to come over here and pay my light bill.

01:30:12.000 Your mom called you Rabbit.

01:30:14.000 Yeah.

01:30:15.000 I remember going to the clinic with my mama one day, and my mama, you know, she was illiterate.

01:30:19.000 She couldn't read.

01:30:20.000 I love her, rest her soul.

01:30:21.000 But she couldn't spell all names.

01:30:23.000 So she said, rabbit, how to spell your real name?

01:30:26.000 And so this kid overheard her and said, your mama dumb.

01:30:30.000 She can't spell your name.

01:30:31.000 My mama said, shut up, bitch.

01:30:32.000 You don't know me.

01:30:33.000 I dropped out in the eighth grade, but I was on the ninth grade level.

01:30:36.000 So I'm standing there like, why the fuck did you say that?

01:30:38.000 That's stupid.

01:30:41.000 Because she was in the 8th grade and 9th grade level?

01:30:43.000 She probably dropped out in the...

01:30:45.000 I don't know when she dropped out, but she dropped out.

01:30:48.000 Wow.

01:30:49.000 Your mom calling you rabbits dark.

01:30:51.000 Why?

01:30:52.000 Because it's your crack selling name.

01:30:54.000 Well, it wasn't my crack selling name then.

01:30:56.000 That was my nickname.

01:30:57.000 Oh.

01:30:57.000 It grew into my crack dealing name.

01:31:00.000 Because you can't go on the street and name your real name.

01:31:00.000 Oh.

01:31:03.000 Everybody, you know, Pookie, Black, Maymay, Maymay.

01:31:05.000 Right.

01:31:06.000 You know the shit they call us in the hood.

01:31:07.000 Everybody got a nickname.

01:31:08.000 I've watched those films.

01:31:09.000 You watch those films?

01:31:11.000 Okay.

01:31:11.000 Yes.

01:31:12.000 Boys in the Hood, things along those lines.

01:31:13.000 Yes.

01:31:13.000 Everybody got a nickname.

01:31:15.000 So how did you get Rabbit then if it wasn't a crack dealing name?

01:31:18.000 Where did Rabbit come from?

01:31:19.000 They say I like carrots, raw carrots, when I was little.

01:31:19.000 I don't know.

01:31:22.000 But I've always been called Rabbit.

01:31:25.000 Wow.

01:31:25.000 So it was like, before you can remember, you were a rabbit?

01:31:28.000 Wow.

01:31:28.000 Yeah.

01:31:29.000 We had a kid in school, we called him Onion.

01:31:32.000 Did you have a nickname, Joe, growing up for anything?

01:31:32.000 Did you have a nickname?

01:31:34.000 No, never had a nickname.

01:31:35.000 Nobody?

01:31:36.000 Your mama didn't give anybody a nickname?

01:31:37.000 No.

01:31:38.000 Like, I got four kids and only one of them got a nickname.

01:31:41.000 Only because he's a junior.

01:31:42.000 You know what's the saddest shit?

01:31:44.000 When people give themselves a nickname.

01:31:45.000 Get the fuck out of here with that.

01:31:47.000 I want you guys to start calling me the Turbo.

01:31:52.000 That's like stripples.

01:31:53.000 They sell nicknames.

01:31:55.000 Yeah, but that's like a stage name.

01:31:58.000 That's just so dudes can't be creeping on you.

01:32:00.000 I had the worst name.

01:32:01.000 People called me Poof because my hair was so big.

01:32:04.000 What was popular in that show?

01:32:08.000 21 Jump Street?

01:32:09.000 No, the other one with Dylan McKay.

01:32:12.000 90210?

01:32:13.000 I used to have this kind of thing going on, so everyone was like, Hey, Poof!

01:32:13.000 Yeah.

01:32:18.000 It took me a while to get used to it.

01:32:19.000 How long did that nickname stick?

01:32:21.000 From, like, high school.

01:32:24.000 To when?

01:32:25.000 All throughout high school?

01:32:26.000 Yeah.

01:32:26.000 So five years you had Poof?

01:32:28.000 And then, like, once in a while somebody will run into me from my old days and be like, Poof!

01:32:28.000 Poof.

01:32:32.000 And I'm like, oh, gross.

01:32:33.000 Well, you know, white kids really don't have nicknames, so they're giving themselves a nickname to be super cool.

01:32:37.000 No, white kids have nicknames.

01:32:39.000 There's a lot of white kids with nicknames.

01:32:40.000 It's not as popular.

01:32:41.000 As blacks?

01:32:42.000 Yeah, there's a lot of white kids.

01:32:43.000 I mean, as black people.

01:32:44.000 Yeah, I know a lot of white kids who have nicknames.

01:32:46.000 I don't.

01:32:47.000 Yeah.

01:32:48.000 When I was a kid, when I lived in Newton, there was this part of Newton, it still exists, called the Lake, Newton North, where everybody calls everybody Mush.

01:32:57.000 And it stuck.

01:32:58.000 It's this one part of the country, this one part of the city, this one part of this one small suburb where everybody's like, Mush.

01:33:05.000 Mush, we gotta go down this fucking thing, Mush.

01:33:07.000 We gotta get this fucking guy, Mush.

01:33:09.000 We gotta go to this movie, Mush.

01:33:10.000 We gotta go get something to eat, Mush.

01:33:12.000 Is it based off Mushmouth?

01:33:13.000 Nope.

01:33:14.000 I was gonna say mush mouth too.

01:33:15.000 It's like dude.

01:33:16.000 It's like their version of dude.

01:33:17.000 It's not even insulting.

01:33:19.000 It still exists to this day.

01:33:19.000 Yeah.

01:33:21.000 My family say Bado.

01:33:22.000 Bado?

01:33:23.000 It's not a word.

01:33:24.000 I don't know what it is.

01:33:25.000 I didn't even realize it until my husband called it.

01:33:28.000 My husband catch a lot of shit listening to me.

01:33:30.000 Like, use it in what way?

01:33:31.000 Like, you know Bado, over there Bado.

01:33:33.000 Come on Bado, let's do this Bado.

01:33:35.000 Bado.

01:33:35.000 Bado?

01:33:36.000 My whole family say Bado.

01:33:38.000 So, they're talking about a person, like calling you Bado.

01:33:42.000 No, it's over there Bado.

01:33:44.000 But they're saying Bado like to you, like you're Bado.

01:33:47.000 Yeah.

01:33:48.000 We're finna do a podcast, Bado.

01:33:50.000 Yeah.

01:33:51.000 That's how we talk.

01:33:51.000 We all talk like that.

01:33:52.000 And I was like, why do y'all say Bado?

01:33:54.000 And I was like, we don't say Bado.

01:33:56.000 And he's like, yes, you do say Bado.

01:33:57.000 You didn't realize you were saying it?

01:33:59.000 You still say it?

01:34:01.000 I do say Bado.

01:34:02.000 Do you ever say it on stage?

01:34:03.000 Does it slip out?

01:34:04.000 No, I say it with my family a lot.

01:34:07.000 Wow.

01:34:08.000 You know, because you don't want to go back and your family think you're bougie.

01:34:11.000 Do you ever listen to someone say, you know, so many fucking times you want to strangle them?

01:34:15.000 I've been listening to podcasts lately and like and you know.

01:34:19.000 Like, there's some people that don't understand.

01:34:22.000 I mean, I've been guilty of it myself, but when you listen to it, you realize it because it's a way of saying, uh.

01:34:27.000 Some people say, fucking, this fucking guy with his fucking, and what they're really saying is this, um, guy with his, um, but they don't want to say, um, so they'll say, this fucking, or they'll say, like, you know, it's like, you know, it's like, you know, this like, you know,

01:34:43.000 and you're like, oh my fucking god, please stop saying that shit.

01:34:47.000 Yeah.

01:34:48.000 Comedians say that a lot.

01:34:50.000 They're thinking on stage.

01:34:52.000 Well, sometimes it works.

01:34:54.000 Sometimes there's actually a reason to do it.

01:34:57.000 You're setting something up, or you're allowing the audience to think along with you.

01:35:01.000 I'm talking almost after every joke.

01:35:04.000 Oh, yeah.

01:35:05.000 You're like, damn, motherfucker, didn't you rehearse today?

01:35:09.000 Oh, fuck.

01:35:10.000 Do you rehearse your material?

01:35:12.000 Yes.

01:35:12.000 You do?

01:35:13.000 Well, you know, I've been shot a couple times, so I need to get it going in my head.

01:35:19.000 Not like in the mirror, like, I'm gonna say this.

01:35:22.000 It's not that bullshit.

01:35:24.000 That's the most corniest, that's some bullshit there.

01:35:28.000 I hate that shit, because when I first started, I was like, you gotta talk to yourself in the mirror.

01:35:32.000 I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?

01:35:34.000 Who told you you have to talk to yourself in the mirror?

01:35:34.000 Fucking comedians, who don't know shit about comedy.

01:35:37.000 Yo, just rehearsing, you go on stage, you sound like a fucking, you giving a speech.

01:35:41.000 And I was like, I sound robotic.

01:35:43.000 I don't want to do this bullshit.

01:35:45.000 So I just started, you know, stop that rehearsing shit.

01:35:48.000 I go over my set, but I'm not going to go in the mirror and say, and then I said this, and then I was shot two times and ducked.

01:35:54.000 No, I ain't going to do that bullshit.

01:35:55.000 Do you write down all the different things you want to talk about?

01:35:57.000 Yes, because my mind is always going, and I'm always remembering shit from my past and so much going on in my person.

01:36:04.000 You know, you're a comic, so you damn near get a premise every day.

01:36:07.000 So, I mean, you know, most of us do.

01:36:10.000 Now, do you worry that you're going to eventually run out of stories about your life?

01:36:15.000 I'm going to run out of stories.

01:36:16.000 I can't fucking wait to stop telling these stories, to move on.

01:36:19.000 It's because it's going to be challenging.

01:36:21.000 Right now, I'm blessed with so much to talk about.

01:36:24.000 You know, a lot of comics don't have that opportunity.

01:36:27.000 I see white boys ain't did shit.

01:36:28.000 They mama fucking cat jokes and dog jokes, and they mama do their fucking laundry.

01:36:33.000 And I was like, shut the fuck up, white boy, and go rob a liquor store so you can talk about something.

01:36:39.000 Yeah.

01:36:39.000 You fucking blessed fucker.

01:36:41.000 Yeah, you blessed fucker.

01:36:42.000 Go rob a liquor store already.

01:36:45.000 But yeah, I mean, me prior.

01:36:47.000 I mean, prior started off with his whole life and eventually he moved on to shit in his current life.

01:36:52.000 Right.

01:36:52.000 You know, I have a current life.

01:36:54.000 A lot of the shit I talk about now is from my past, but I still have a current life.

01:36:57.000 I mean, that I haven't even really gotten to.

01:37:00.000 I could probably do what we're working on an hour now that's only going to show just a small portion of my current life.

01:37:07.000 Are you going to put together a comedy special soon?

01:37:10.000 I'm working on it.

01:37:11.000 I hope so.

01:37:12.000 Do you have a timeline where you're trying to do it?

01:37:18.000 I'm talking to my managers, so we're back and forth trying to get it together first.

01:37:22.000 Have you filmed anything?

01:37:24.000 No?

01:37:24.000 No.

01:37:25.000 Nothing yet.

01:37:26.000 Sometimes it's good to just do a set somewhere, film it, and then just go over and say, I can expand on this.

01:37:31.000 Do you watch yourself?

01:37:33.000 Yes.

01:37:34.000 Well, the manager that I have forces me to watch and listen to myself.

01:37:37.000 I never did it before.

01:37:39.000 But it helps because, you know, I'm from the South.

01:37:41.000 I can't talk with shit.

01:37:42.000 I fuck up some words.

01:37:43.000 And white people say, what did you say?

01:37:45.000 Yeah, but it's good.

01:37:46.000 Like, when you fuck up words, it's like, it's fun.

01:37:49.000 It's like it adds flavor to it.

01:37:51.000 Yeah, but I tell you, when I first moved from Georgia, and then I had this joke about it, my mom would say, set your hot cock ass down.

01:37:58.000 Cock, cock, hot cock.

01:38:01.000 Cock is a dick.

01:38:03.000 Right.

01:38:03.000 But all these years, my mom's been telling me to set my hot dick ass down.

01:38:07.000 So when I was doing a joke in the Midwest, and I said, hot cock, and everybody was like, what the fuck, you got a cock?

01:38:14.000 What the fuck?

01:38:16.000 Your mother used to say, set your hot cock ass down.

01:38:19.000 All black parents say that.

01:38:20.000 Set your hot cock ass down.

01:38:22.000 I guarantee you all black parents do not say that.

01:38:22.000 Wait a minute.

01:38:25.000 Down south they do.

01:38:26.000 Down south.

01:38:27.000 Set your hot cock ass down.

01:38:29.000 And I can call my brother right now.

01:38:30.000 I'm Googling that.

01:38:31.000 I'm going to Google set your hot cock ass down.

01:38:35.000 I guarantee you I'm not going to find shit.

01:38:37.000 Set your hot cock ass down.

01:38:40.000 Hot cock ass down.

01:38:44.000 Miss Pat.

01:38:45.000 First thing that comes up.

01:38:48.000 Nope.

01:38:49.000 It's darkness.

01:38:54.000 First thing you find is a Craigslist ad for Phoenix.

01:39:00.000 Cocksucker wants to deep rim your ripe...

01:39:03.000 and that's the first verse.

01:39:04.000 I'm gonna call my brother for you.

01:39:06.000 You didn't know you wanted cock.

01:39:08.000 Transsexuals.

01:39:09.000 Bareback City 8. This is the...

01:39:09.000 What?

01:39:13.000 Keep that noise down, your cock up.

01:39:16.000 Come down my throat, you jizz, free porn movies.

01:39:19.000 Okay, Joe.

01:39:20.000 Yeah, there's nothing.

01:39:21.000 My mama used to say, set your hot cock ass down.

01:39:24.000 Nope.

01:39:25.000 Type in southern hot cock.

01:39:27.000 No.

01:39:28.000 I'm calling my brother for you.

01:39:29.000 Okay, go ahead.

01:39:31.000 I believe you.

01:39:31.000 He might be fixing the car.

01:39:32.000 It's not that I don't believe you.

01:39:34.000 It's just that I think...

01:39:35.000 He's really funny.

01:39:35.000 You want to talk to him.

01:39:37.000 Southern.

01:39:39.000 Answer the phone.

01:39:40.000 He's probably somewhere fucking up somebody's transmission.

01:39:42.000 Why, is he a transmission specialist?

01:39:44.000 No, he's a fake-ass mechanic.

01:39:47.000 A fake mechanic?

01:39:48.000 Yeah.

01:39:48.000 What is a fake mechanic?

01:39:50.000 Who tell you he knows?

01:39:51.000 So he doesn't really know what he's doing?

01:39:53.000 Oh, he'll come back.

01:39:55.000 He'd say he fixed cars, but really don't.

01:39:57.000 I mean, he ain't went to school for it.

01:39:58.000 He'd just be trying some shit.

01:40:00.000 So he just fucks around?

01:40:01.000 He fixed my car one time.

01:40:03.000 I had a SUV. A Montero.

01:40:07.000 So I needed a head job.

01:40:09.000 So he told me...

01:40:11.000 Well, the spark plugs kept jumping out the engine.

01:40:13.000 They jumped out of the engine?

01:40:14.000 You know, they kept coming out, because he had stripped the heads on my car.

01:40:19.000 Okay.

01:40:20.000 So instead of saying, hey, I fucked up your heads, you know, you need to get a head job.

01:40:24.000 This boy went on my back porch, got my barbecue spatula, broke that bitch off, stuck it in the engine, and screwed that gasket back down.

01:40:31.000 So I was like, the car's still running raggedy.

01:40:33.000 So I was like, fuck you.

01:40:34.000 You took my $300.

01:40:36.000 I go to the dealership.

01:40:37.000 He took a barbecue spatula?

01:40:37.000 $300?

01:40:40.000 Jesus Christ.

01:40:41.000 You're lucky it didn't explode.

01:40:43.000 Look, he said, look, I pull up to the dealership.

01:40:47.000 I'm not lying.

01:40:48.000 And the man take the thing out.

01:40:49.000 He said, ma'am, who put a barbecue spatula in your engine?

01:40:52.000 I said, that motherfucker.

01:40:54.000 And he charged me.

01:40:56.000 He charged you $300 to put a barbecue spatula.

01:40:59.000 My good barbecue spatula that cost me $20.

01:41:02.000 You know them real long civil with the good hander?

01:41:04.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, the nice ones.

01:41:05.000 Get away from the fire.

01:41:06.000 Yes!

01:41:06.000 He broke that bitch and stuck it in my engine.

01:41:09.000 That is ridiculous.

01:41:10.000 And I was like, why did you do that, motherfucker?

01:41:12.000 He was like, I was trying to keep your spark plugs in your engine.

01:41:12.000 What did he say?

01:41:15.000 That ain't how you do it.

01:41:17.000 Did he learn anywhere?

01:41:18.000 Did he go to school for that shit?

01:41:19.000 He's getting better.

01:41:21.000 Jesus Christ.

01:41:24.000 He's getting better.

01:41:27.000 No more spatulas.

01:41:29.000 He's at the point where you can trust him with an oil change.

01:41:33.000 An oil change?

01:41:34.000 I would trust my daughter with an oil change.

01:41:37.000 No, just him.

01:41:38.000 That's not that hard.

01:41:40.000 Here's eight quarts.

01:41:42.000 This is where they go.

01:41:44.000 How fucking hard is that?

01:41:45.000 Yeah, but he is horrible.

01:41:47.000 Oh my god, that's hilarious.

01:41:50.000 I mean, it's hand-on training.

01:41:51.000 Where does he do it?

01:41:52.000 All in and around.

01:41:53.000 He got a mobile business.

01:41:55.000 A mobile business?

01:41:56.000 As soon as he fuck up your car, he changes his number.

01:41:59.000 No, he doesn't.

01:42:01.000 Does he really?

01:42:02.000 I got three Anthony's in here all over his phone number.

01:42:04.000 Oh, that is fucking hilarious.

01:42:07.000 So he just fucks up people's cars, changes his number, and just gets ghost.

01:42:11.000 Get ghost.

01:42:12.000 Do you hear me?

01:42:13.000 He told one lady.

01:42:15.000 One lady said, one lady told him, she said, Anthony, you lied to me.

01:42:20.000 You said you were going to redo my car.

01:42:21.000 My brother said, look here, bitch.

01:42:22.000 One thing I don't do is I don't lie.

01:42:25.000 What I did was not tell you the truth.

01:42:27.000 She said, bitch, that's still lying, right?

01:42:31.000 He is hilarious.

01:42:32.000 What I do is not tell you the truth.

01:42:35.000 Yes, but he said he don't lie.

01:42:37.000 What's the difference?

01:42:39.000 Nothing!

01:42:40.000 That's how stupid he is!

01:42:43.000 How did he start this mobile business of fixing people's cars?

01:42:46.000 Because he's a convicted felon.

01:42:47.000 We all got business.

01:42:49.000 We can't work nowhere.

01:42:50.000 So he just started working on people's cars and just started bullshitting and figured it out along the way?

01:42:55.000 Yes.

01:42:56.000 Well, my stepfather was a mechanic.

01:42:59.000 And so all my brothers, like him and my brother, my brother and my brother and Tony, they do mechanic work together.

01:43:04.000 Right.

01:43:05.000 And so they just go out and fuck up people's calls, but he...

01:43:07.000 He fired Tony.

01:43:10.000 Tony gets Social Security now, so he fired Tony.

01:43:13.000 So it's just him by himself.

01:43:15.000 He fired him because he gets Social Security?

01:43:17.000 Can't be a part of the team?

01:43:18.000 He said, Tony...

01:43:20.000 You know, Social Security will only let you put in 20 hours before they cut your check off.

01:43:29.000 I don't know why he fired Tony.

01:43:31.000 They fight all the fucking time.

01:43:33.000 So he's just had to be a lone wolf out there fixing cars.

01:43:36.000 Yes.

01:43:37.000 I wouldn't let him take shit for me.

01:43:40.000 After the spatula, you put a fucking spatula in your engine.

01:43:44.000 That is hilarious.

01:43:45.000 Yes.

01:43:46.000 And then he, well, I got it running.

01:43:48.000 Did you say you want it running?

01:43:49.000 Yeah, motherfucker, but not just make it to the stop sign.

01:43:52.000 Yeah, not with a broken spatula inside.

01:43:55.000 Put a broken spatula.

01:43:56.000 I took that shit to the dealership.

01:43:57.000 That white dude could not stop laughing.

01:44:00.000 And I'm like, you laughing, but that's my good $15, $20 spatula, and I'm out of $300 for a head job I thought I got.

01:44:09.000 Wow.

01:44:09.000 And so he never gave you the money back?

01:44:11.000 Hell no!

01:44:12.000 He got six kids.

01:44:14.000 He got six kids.

01:44:16.000 He got a set of triplets.

01:44:17.000 And then he has a few more outside kids from his wife.

01:44:22.000 Outside kids?

01:44:24.000 Yeah.

01:44:25.000 What are they, like, fucking feral cats?

01:44:28.000 Outside kids.

01:44:30.000 They was kids that don't live in his house.

01:44:32.000 Oh, they don't live with him.

01:44:33.000 Yes.

01:44:34.000 Oh, wow.

01:44:35.000 God damn, that is crazy.

01:44:36.000 My family is crazy.

01:44:38.000 You should go on a Miss Pat family tour.

01:44:40.000 Well, Miss Pat, I think what's going to happen next, okay, what's already happened is you got a book deal.

01:44:45.000 Yes.

01:44:45.000 What's going to happen next is you're going to have a fucking reality show.

01:44:48.000 I don't want a reality show.

01:44:49.000 Oh, why not?

01:44:50.000 I want a real show.

01:44:52.000 What does that mean?

01:44:53.000 You know, like...

01:44:55.000 I mean, I ain't gonna say I don't want a reality show, but...

01:44:58.000 You want a real show like you want an act.

01:45:00.000 Bernie Mac.

01:45:00.000 Yes, Roseanne.

01:45:02.000 Right.

01:45:02.000 I understand.

01:45:03.000 That makes sense.

01:45:04.000 And you would be great at that.

01:45:05.000 However, what's really hilarious is the true stories.

01:45:10.000 You want me to put them people on TV, Joe?

01:45:13.000 Who gonna tame that shit?

01:45:14.000 That's worse than Honey Boo Boo.

01:45:16.000 You don't have to tame it.

01:45:17.000 But what I'm saying is the difference between, like, if somebody gets a hold of your life and starts turning into a sitcom script...

01:45:23.000 They're not going to do it justice.

01:45:25.000 They're just not.

01:45:26.000 Especially if you get a bunch of white writers.

01:45:28.000 If it's cable.

01:45:28.000 Even if it's cable, are they really going to be able to capture it?

01:45:31.000 Yes, they captured the wire.

01:45:33.000 Yeah, but that's different.

01:45:35.000 The wire is all fiction.

01:45:37.000 No, it's not.

01:45:37.000 You know what I mean?

01:45:38.000 I live that bullshit.

01:45:40.000 I don't know what you're talking about.

01:45:42.000 No, I mean, it never happens.

01:45:44.000 I mean, someone wrote all those characters.

01:45:46.000 Yeah, because he was a guy that was a reporter in that neighborhood.

01:45:50.000 That's how that came about.

01:45:52.000 Go Google it.

01:45:53.000 What do you mean, who was a reporter?

01:45:54.000 The guy who wrote the book.

01:45:56.000 The guy who wrote the book.

01:45:56.000 Yeah.

01:45:57.000 He was like a reporter.

01:45:59.000 He would go out with the police and stuff when all of that stuff was happening.

01:46:03.000 This is what I've heard from my writer.

01:46:05.000 He just started to capture that stuff and ended up writing a book.

01:46:09.000 Well, I believe that.

01:46:10.000 A lot of that stuff really went on in D.C. I'm sure it did.

01:46:14.000 But the words that they put in their mouths was all created by writers and calculated and written out.

01:46:14.000 I'm sure it did.

01:46:20.000 If you write stuff about...

01:46:22.000 If you wrote a movie about my past...

01:46:24.000 I mean, of course you're going to have to kind of twerk everything, but a lot of it would be mispassed.

01:46:33.000 Right.

01:46:33.000 I believe you, but no better way to show the real people than to show the real people.

01:46:40.000 But I don't want to be on TV looking like that.

01:46:41.000 What do you mean looking like what?

01:46:43.000 Come on, a bunch of black people can't talk fighting over a car game.

01:46:48.000 That would be fucking hilarious.

01:46:50.000 Yeah, for a little while.

01:46:51.000 But it wouldn't be hilarious.

01:46:53.000 Then here come Al Sharpton and what is it?

01:46:56.000 Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson.

01:46:57.000 Jesse Jackson and all the other ones.

01:46:59.000 This is not how...

01:47:01.000 I don't want to hear all that shit from them.

01:47:02.000 You don't have to listen to them.

01:47:04.000 Let them talk.

01:47:05.000 They would only help you.

01:47:06.000 They would only help you.

01:47:07.000 You get to talk shit about them after they start talking.

01:47:09.000 I talk shit about them now.

01:47:11.000 But you could be talking shit even stronger if they gave you a hard time about your show.

01:47:15.000 Yeah, but I don't know.

01:47:17.000 Oh, believe me.

01:47:18.000 Well, I'm not telling you what to do.

01:47:19.000 You do whatever you want to do.

01:47:21.000 I'm not going to say I would take anything, because I can't see me being the silly fat chick.

01:47:27.000 That's not a role for me.

01:47:28.000 Well, see, the thing about a reality show is you don't need a role.

01:47:33.000 You could just miss Pat's world, and you could narrate it.

01:47:36.000 You know, you could stand in front of the camera and go, we're about to meet my fucking brother, Anthony, who pretends he's a fucking mechanic.

01:47:42.000 This stupid motherfucker put a fucking spatula inside my head.

01:47:45.000 You could tell that story.

01:47:47.000 You could do that.

01:47:49.000 Who's the crazy family that's on TV now?

01:47:51.000 I don't watch a lot of shows.

01:47:52.000 Who's the white family?

01:47:53.000 Duck Dynasty?

01:47:54.000 No, not them.

01:47:55.000 Kardashians?

01:47:55.000 No.

01:47:56.000 Oh, God.

01:47:57.000 It's a real sitcom.

01:47:59.000 Modern Family.

01:48:02.000 I never watched that show.

01:48:03.000 That's a funny show.

01:48:04.000 Have you seen Fresh Off the Boat?

01:48:06.000 No, but that's my friend Eddie Huang's story.

01:48:09.000 That fucking shit is...

01:48:10.000 Eddie Huang, dude, that shit is hilarious.

01:48:13.000 He's hilarious.

01:48:14.000 I had to go to the bathroom after watching that show.

01:48:17.000 You had to go to the bathroom?

01:48:18.000 And pee.

01:48:18.000 That shit had my stomach working.

01:48:20.000 I mean, muscles.

01:48:21.000 I was laughing.

01:48:22.000 Eddie Huang, if you ain't got nobody else supporting you, I watch that shit every week.

01:48:27.000 My husband record.

01:48:28.000 I love that show.

01:48:29.000 It's only two episodes in, but y'all need to watch Fresh Out the Boat.

01:48:32.000 Well, it's based on the story of his life that he wrote, and he is the narrator.

01:48:37.000 And there's a little boy who plays him.

01:48:39.000 Which one?

01:48:40.000 The rapper?

01:48:40.000 The rapper dude?

01:48:41.000 There was a little boy.

01:48:42.000 The young boy who plays him.

01:48:44.000 And then there's Randall Park, who's a comedian and actor.

01:48:46.000 He actually played Kim Jong-un in The Dictator.

01:48:49.000 Yeah, I'm talking about the funniest character is the little boy who thinks he's a rapper.

01:48:53.000 I haven't seen the show yet.

01:48:54.000 Well, that must be him.

01:48:56.000 Yeah, it's a little boy.

01:48:56.000 That's him.

01:48:57.000 He talks like a rapper.

01:48:58.000 Eddie talks like he's from Brooklyn.

01:49:00.000 He grew up in Orlando.

01:49:01.000 That shit is funny.

01:49:02.000 Your friend's show is funny.

01:49:03.000 He's hilarious.

01:49:04.000 He's got a great show on Vice, too.

01:49:04.000 You need to watch it.

01:49:06.000 His show on Vice is called Off the Boat or Fresh Off the Boat with Eddie Wong.

01:49:10.000 No, that's on ABC. No, no, no.

01:49:12.000 He's got a Vice show, but with the same title.

01:49:13.000 Oh, I don't know what a Vice show is.

01:49:15.000 Vice is this channel online, vice.com.

01:49:19.000 Oh, okay, okay.

01:49:20.000 And he has a show on Vice that's him.

01:49:23.000 He's a cook.

01:49:24.000 He's a very famous chef.

01:49:26.000 That's what I heard.

01:49:26.000 Okay.

01:49:27.000 He's a very accomplished chef, and that's what he does for a living.

01:49:31.000 But he's a hilarious fucking dude.

01:49:32.000 He's hilarious.

01:49:34.000 That show is so funny.

01:49:36.000 And Empire.

01:49:37.000 You seen Empire?

01:49:38.000 I haven't seen Empire.

01:49:39.000 It's really good, too.

01:49:39.000 Is it?

01:49:40.000 You just sit around watching TV shows?

01:49:42.000 Well, my husband watches a lot of TV when I'm home.

01:49:44.000 When you're home?

01:49:46.000 Yeah, when I'm home.

01:49:47.000 I try to catch up.

01:49:48.000 There's time with my husband.

01:49:49.000 You know, you have to do stuff that your partner likes, so he likes to watch a lot of TV, especially when his gout flared up.

01:49:56.000 How does he feel about you going on the road all the time now?

01:49:59.000 Because you guys have been together for a while, and now all of a sudden you're the successful touring comedian.

01:50:03.000 He, um, he's very, he's, in the beginning, Joe, he was not supportive.

01:50:08.000 He did not think I was funny.

01:50:08.000 Really?

01:50:10.000 No, he actually said.

01:50:10.000 Whoa.

01:50:11.000 How could he not think you were funny?

01:50:12.000 Because he said nobody, I think it's the way he protect me, because I was talking about my life, you know, oh, I got a baby by Mary Mann and this movie.

01:50:21.000 And a lot of times, a lot of those stories come out of me like, what did you shoot your wife in the chest for?

01:50:21.000 He shot me.

01:50:26.000 He was like, I didn't fucking shoot her.

01:50:27.000 Oh, right, right, right.

01:50:28.000 So, he was like, the stuff is too dark for him.

01:50:31.000 And he still don't laugh, but he's supportive.

01:50:34.000 Oh, okay.

01:50:35.000 You know, he tried to, every now and then, give me something to talk about.

01:50:38.000 And he helps me out every now and then.

01:50:40.000 So, when he hears you on podcasts and you're telling stories...

01:50:43.000 He don't listen to podcasts.

01:50:43.000 He doesn't listen.

01:50:44.000 Why not?

01:50:45.000 No.

01:50:46.000 I don't know.

01:50:47.000 He only seen me live one time.

01:50:49.000 What?

01:50:50.000 One time.

01:50:51.000 What?

01:50:51.000 That seems crazy.

01:50:53.000 He came to...

01:50:53.000 I used to open for Cat Williams, so...

01:50:57.000 We was in Kentucky, and Cat has over like 20-something thousand tickets.

01:51:01.000 And Cat was like, your husband should come out and see you.

01:51:03.000 And I was like, my husband's never going to come see me.

01:51:05.000 He said, call him up.

01:51:07.000 I called my husband.

01:51:08.000 Cat got on the phone and was like, I want you to come see your wife.

01:51:11.000 I fly you and the kids.

01:51:12.000 And he was like, well, we live in Kentucky.

01:51:14.000 He said, well, jump in the rental car and I'll pay for it.

01:51:16.000 And he was like, you ain't got to do that.

01:51:18.000 So he came down there, 20,000 people, and let me go out second.

01:51:18.000 I come.

01:51:24.000 And everybody was doing 15. He said, go do 25 for your husband.

01:51:28.000 And I fucking killed.

01:51:29.000 And my kids said the whole time my husband was ducking in his chair like that.

01:51:33.000 Like, I hope she be funny.

01:51:35.000 I hope she be funny.

01:51:36.000 And that changed his whole outlook on me.

01:51:40.000 Yeah, I would imagine.

01:51:42.000 20,000 fucking people.

01:51:42.000 Shit.

01:51:44.000 The first time you ever see your wife on stage.

01:51:46.000 Wow.

01:51:47.000 Yeah.

01:51:47.000 Wow, that's crazy.

01:51:49.000 The first time he ever saw you on stage, 20,000 people.

01:51:52.000 That had to be so strange to him.

01:51:55.000 Knowing you for so long.

01:51:56.000 Yeah.

01:51:57.000 Never came.

01:51:58.000 Never.

01:51:58.000 And did you crush it?

01:52:00.000 I crushed it.

01:52:01.000 Yes, I did.

01:52:02.000 Goddamn, I bet you did.

01:52:03.000 I bet you did.

01:52:04.000 So he, like...

01:52:05.000 Like, he'll watch stuff.

01:52:06.000 Like, you know I'm about to be on Comedy Central with Art Shafir.

01:52:08.000 So he'll probably record it and watch it when I'm not home.

01:52:12.000 Watch it when you're not home.

01:52:13.000 He doesn't want you to be around when he's watching it?

01:52:16.000 I can't watch myself on TV. Because then, oh, you're fat.

01:52:19.000 You're sweating.

01:52:20.000 Oh, look at my neck.

01:52:21.000 You know.

01:52:24.000 You're fat.

01:52:25.000 You're sweaty.

01:52:26.000 Oh, look at my neck.

01:52:27.000 For some reason, it was hot in that damn place where we shot at, and I was sweating my ass off.

01:52:33.000 That place is a strip club.

01:52:34.000 Yeah, I know.

01:52:35.000 That's Cheetahs.

01:52:36.000 That's Cheetahs in Hollywood.

01:52:37.000 So I was fucking hot, and I was just looking at the preview, and I was like, holy fuck, I'm sweating.

01:52:42.000 That's hilarious.

01:52:42.000 Hilarious.

01:52:43.000 That is hilarious.

01:52:44.000 So, I won't watch it.

01:52:45.000 What is it like working with Cat Williams?

01:52:47.000 He was really nice.

01:52:48.000 You know, I kept...

01:52:49.000 It was 2012. 2012, I think.

01:52:52.000 And the week I got the gig with Cat, my father had passed that Monday, and they called me that Wednesday to tell me I was going on tour.

01:52:59.000 So, my dad had canceled, and for his insurance policy to kick him forward, he needed to be alive to August.

01:53:06.000 He died in 11. He needed to be alive to August 2012. Because he had that type of policy.

01:53:11.000 He had just moved, you know, with me.

01:53:13.000 He had to be alive for so long.

01:53:13.000 So he had that type of policy.

01:53:16.000 And he didn't make it.

01:53:17.000 And we didn't have no fucking money to bury him.

01:53:19.000 So my husband was like, well, I'll just go in my savings.

01:53:21.000 I was like, well, let me see what I can do on top of getting all of my brothers and sisters up here to come to the funeral because we didn't have enough money to ship him home.

01:53:28.000 And Cat William heard me on the phone telling my brother, I said, well, wait till I get paid from this gig and I'm going to get y'all up here, but I still got to pay $9,000 for daddy's funeral.

01:53:37.000 I don't know where the fuck it's coming from because they only gave me $4,000.

01:53:39.000 Cat overheard me say that, went to the fucking room, and brought me like five Gs back to bury my daddy.

01:53:46.000 I had not hit the stage that night, not one time.

01:53:49.000 And he was like, here's your money, you know, go bury your daddy and come back.

01:53:54.000 And I was like, you don't have to do this.

01:53:55.000 I was like, I can pay you back.

01:53:57.000 He was like, you don't owe me nothing.

01:53:59.000 Don't owe me from dick out of water.

01:54:01.000 And he helped me bury my daddy.

01:54:03.000 That's why when people say something like that, I was like, fuck you.

01:54:06.000 I mean, I was opening for somebody on the regular, and they didn't even offer a bitch flowers for my daddy.

01:54:12.000 I don't know Cat Williams, but my take on Cat Williams when he does all this crazy shit is he's so fucking funny that you have to be crazy to be that funny.

01:54:21.000 That's how I feel.

01:54:22.000 He's very funny and very intelligent.

01:54:25.000 You see that character that he does, but if you talk to him smart as hell...

01:54:29.000 I believe that.

01:54:30.000 I had an interview that I listened to that changed the way I prepare for shows.

01:54:36.000 And it was him.

01:54:37.000 He was talking about how he doesn't eat before shows.

01:54:39.000 And I thought about it.

01:54:40.000 I was like, you know what?

01:54:41.000 I've eaten before shows and not felt good.

01:54:43.000 Like I felt all weighed down by food.

01:54:45.000 I'm like, that's smart.

01:54:46.000 So I'm going to do that too.

01:54:47.000 So I give myself a two hour window.

01:54:48.000 I will not eat two hours before show.

01:54:51.000 The same window I give myself for like working out.

01:54:53.000 It's smart.

01:54:54.000 You know, it's a smart thing that he said.

01:54:56.000 And, you know, he's talking about preparing.

01:54:59.000 He has music that he listens to.

01:55:00.000 He do.

01:55:01.000 Special music right before shows.

01:55:03.000 He got holes rubbing his hands and his shoulders.

01:55:07.000 But he's so funny.

01:55:09.000 Like all this different shit that happens to him.

01:55:12.000 He did his last special when he goes, when you're standing next to Suge Knight and you're the one getting arrested.

01:55:21.000 That's when you know you fucked up.

01:55:24.000 Very funny.

01:55:25.000 You know, I don't like to hear people when they talk about, you know, people when they go through shit.

01:55:28.000 I was like, because you really don't know the situation.

01:55:32.000 You're just on the outside looking in.

01:55:34.000 You fucking internet thugs.

01:55:35.000 I hate that shit.

01:55:37.000 Well, there's always going to be people that love to cast rocks, to throw rocks at people that are fucking up.

01:55:43.000 That's what I'm learning in this business.

01:55:45.000 What we were talking about before the podcast, before Brian showed up, people that are fucking with you, that are saying a bunch of mean shit to you.

01:55:52.000 Somebody, like I said, Comedy Central released my internet version, and somebody called me a black cunt, and I'm like, you's an ignorant bitch, because cunt don't even ring bells in the hood.

01:56:02.000 You got to call me a bitch to get me riled up.

01:56:04.000 Cunt doesn't work in the hood?

01:56:05.000 No, we don't fucking cunt.

01:56:07.000 No.

01:56:08.000 No, bitch might get you slapped.

01:56:11.000 But cunt?

01:56:12.000 What the fuck is a cunt?

01:56:13.000 I don't...

01:56:13.000 Fuck you.

01:56:14.000 Yeah, but you know, I used to get...

01:56:14.000 Nothing, huh?

01:56:16.000 We're doing white chicks.

01:56:17.000 Yes, it does.

01:56:18.000 I heard a white boy call a white girl a cunt, and this bitch broke out.

01:56:23.000 I was like, what the fuck is a cunt?

01:56:25.000 What's wrong?

01:56:26.000 So I had to go ask my friend, why is she crying?

01:56:28.000 He was like, that's like calling you a B, a bitch, or the N-word.

01:56:32.000 I was like, holy fuck, keep crying, white girl.

01:56:34.000 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

01:56:38.000 You want me to help you whoop his ass?

01:56:40.000 I don't know why cunt has so much of a power over white women, but it just...

01:56:44.000 It does.

01:56:44.000 It doesn't affect black women.

01:56:45.000 Bitch do.

01:56:46.000 But you know what it doesn't work on?

01:56:47.000 White women in England.

01:56:49.000 Everybody's cunt over there.

01:56:50.000 England and Ireland, everybody calls everybody cunt.

01:56:53.000 He's a funny cunt.

01:56:54.000 He's a funny cunt, isn't he?

01:56:56.000 And they'll ask you a question.

01:56:57.000 Miss Patch is a funny cunt, isn't she?

01:56:59.000 Oh, wow.

01:57:00.000 They only really say it about women, though.

01:57:01.000 It's more like a man thing.

01:57:03.000 They call men cunts.

01:57:04.000 Oh, wow.

01:57:05.000 But it's like almost a term of endearment.

01:57:08.000 Not over here for white women.

01:57:09.000 Yeah, it's weird.

01:57:10.000 It's weird how that works.

01:57:11.000 White women don't like cunt and they don't like crow's feet.

01:57:15.000 They're the two things that pisses them off.

01:57:16.000 Crow's feet?

01:57:17.000 Yeah.

01:57:18.000 You mean like the lines near your eyes?

01:57:20.000 I see them in the makeup shop.

01:57:20.000 Yeah.

01:57:22.000 They are scared of crow's feet like a black man with a pistol.

01:57:27.000 I see them in the makeup shop just filling them bitches in.

01:57:30.000 I'm like, let it go, girl.

01:57:31.000 It's okay.

01:57:33.000 Let it go.

01:57:34.000 Well, a lot of blonde ladies especially, they have that weird skin that gets real brittle and thin.

01:57:42.000 Thin skin does not age well.

01:57:44.000 One thing about black people and about dark-skinned people, Latinos especially, they age better because they have thicker skin.

01:57:53.000 Italian women, they have thicker skin.

01:57:56.000 There's something about white, really white people.

01:57:59.000 They have that really thin skin.

01:58:01.000 I have a friend And he's my age, and this motherfucker looks like he's 80 years old.

01:58:05.000 Dang!

01:58:06.000 He's fucking blonde.

01:58:08.000 Too much sun.

01:58:09.000 A little bit of sun, but deep, deep cracks all over his face and his mouth.

01:58:14.000 I mean, he looks really, really old.

01:58:16.000 It's weird.

01:58:17.000 It's weird when you're around him.

01:58:19.000 It's like, wow, he's only 47 years old, and he looks like he's...

01:58:22.000 I dated this girl that had such thin skin that every time she would take a shower, you could see her whole entire circulatory system or circularity.

01:58:29.000 You know what I mean?

01:58:29.000 Like every single vein going to her boobs and stuff like that.

01:58:32.000 Well, that's newborn white babies.

01:58:32.000 I used to be a medical assistant.

01:58:33.000 That's newborn white babies.

01:58:37.000 I didn't make this shit up.

01:58:39.000 That is true though.

01:58:40.000 Some white girls with really thin white skin.

01:58:42.000 I didn't know that was thin skin.

01:58:43.000 You could see their veins and their tits.

01:58:45.000 And it was something about the shower.

01:58:46.000 When she would get out, you could actually see the blood just flowing around her body.

01:58:50.000 I remember it was really concerned with the boobs.

01:58:54.000 Yeah.

01:58:55.000 It was really concentrated around the boobs.

01:58:55.000 Really what?

01:58:58.000 A lot of We're good to go.

01:59:23.000 I mean, it was really good when you got ready to stick them because you knew not to hit the veins.

01:59:29.000 But it was really creepy.

01:59:31.000 Yeah.

01:59:32.000 Veins are creepy.

01:59:33.000 I have zero veins, so whenever I have to give blood, they have to stick it in there and grind around and try to find it.

01:59:39.000 It usually takes them like 10 minutes.

01:59:41.000 It's not that you have zero veins.

01:59:42.000 You just have high body fat content.

01:59:44.000 Yeah, that's all they hide.

01:59:46.000 You lose about 10 pounds, your fucking vein will swim back to the top.

01:59:51.000 And the girl who was with the see-through body, she was skinny, right?

01:59:55.000 Yeah, she's right.

01:59:57.000 You can't see through my body.

02:00:00.000 See-through body.

02:00:01.000 Yeah, there's something about that white skin.

02:00:03.000 Well, that's also this guy that I know that looks old.

02:00:06.000 He's already gotten skin cancer, too.

02:00:09.000 He probably tan a lot.

02:00:11.000 Well, not tan.

02:00:12.000 He just goes outdoors and doesn't put sunscreen on.

02:00:14.000 But he had a big chunk removed off of his head.

02:00:18.000 Jeremiah Watkins just had a big chunk removed from his back.

02:00:21.000 Who is that?

02:00:22.000 Another white guy.

02:00:24.000 He had this huge chunk taken out of his back because he just didn't do anything about it.

02:00:29.000 He had this skin cancer mole thing that started changing colors.

02:00:34.000 I know quite a few people that have had skin cancer removed from their body.

02:00:38.000 Malignant, non-malignant, benign, whatever it is.

02:00:41.000 Different kinds of cancerous moles.

02:00:44.000 Super common.

02:00:45.000 My mom every couple months.

02:00:46.000 And I have so many moles that I should get this checked out.

02:00:49.000 I probably have it somewhere.

02:00:51.000 Well, go get it checked out because that shit becomes systemic and you're fucked.

02:00:55.000 I'm glad I'm black.

02:00:57.000 Yeah, black people very rarely get...

02:00:59.000 Well, Bob Marley died of skin cancer.

02:01:02.000 Got it on his foot.

02:01:03.000 Yeah, Bob Marley got skin cancer, I believe it was between his toes.

02:01:03.000 What?

02:01:07.000 No.

02:01:08.000 Yeah.

02:01:09.000 Hey, Bob Marley, the manager, one of the managers supposedly killed him.

02:01:15.000 What?

02:01:16.000 I don't know.

02:01:17.000 Hendricks, you're thinking of Hendricks.

02:01:18.000 Hendricks, yes.

02:01:19.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:01:20.000 The cancer that's killed is genetically different.

02:01:23.000 This is interesting.

02:01:24.000 The skin cancer that killed Bob Marley is genetically different and is not caused by the sun.

02:01:31.000 Hmm.

02:01:32.000 They've sequenced the DNA of a rare type of melanoma that caused Bob Marley's death.

02:01:39.000 That's really interesting.

02:01:41.000 Bob Marley died of skin cancer.

02:01:43.000 Yep.

02:01:43.000 It's called acral melanomas, the rare type of skin cancer.

02:01:47.000 Yeah.

02:01:48.000 And you couldn't get the toe off to save the man.

02:01:49.000 I don't think he probably knew what was going on.

02:01:52.000 He probably thought it was diabetes.

02:01:54.000 Yeah.

02:01:55.000 On his toe?

02:01:56.000 Yeah, my mama had a sore on her foot for years, and she tried to treat it herself with fucking Vaseline and shit.

02:02:06.000 Yeah, the diabetes thing, it's like a circulatory thing.

02:02:09.000 It's like, doesn't it?

02:02:12.000 Well, it started, she fell, and it was a little sore, and she just wasn't treated, and it just kept getting bigger and bigger.

02:02:20.000 So when she finally went to the doctor, they cut her foot off.

02:02:23.000 Ooh, God.

02:02:24.000 They cut a leg off.

02:02:26.000 Ooh.

02:02:27.000 Damn, that happens to a lot of people with diabetes.

02:02:29.000 My mama and daddy had one leg.

02:02:29.000 That's so bad.

02:02:31.000 God damn.

02:02:33.000 Jesus Christ.

02:02:37.000 They probably having bumping nubs now.

02:02:42.000 You know, it's a weird thing, the diabetes.

02:02:45.000 It's a scary one.

02:02:46.000 It doesn't sound like a disease until you fucking get sick from it.

02:02:49.000 Yeah.

02:02:50.000 You know, oh, I got diabetes.

02:02:51.000 It's almost like, oh, I got crabs.

02:02:53.000 As long as I maintain them, they won't kill me.

02:02:55.000 Well, that's what killed Patrice.

02:02:57.000 I know.

02:03:00.000 Yeah, overweight people.

02:03:01.000 Very, very similar.

02:03:02.000 All right, Joe.

02:03:04.000 Sitting there with nice chested ass talking about me and Red Band about to die.

02:03:08.000 I didn't say Red Band's about to die.

02:03:10.000 Oh, really?

02:03:10.000 Just me?

02:03:13.000 Just me, Joe?

02:03:16.000 Well, that's why we're trying to get you a trainer.

02:03:18.000 Trying to make you not pour too much coffee, sugar in your coffee.

02:03:22.000 Well, what am I supposed to do with it?

02:03:23.000 With what?

02:03:24.000 Yes.

02:03:24.000 Your coffee?

02:03:25.000 Put the buttercream you trying to get me?

02:03:27.000 The stevia stuff is good.

02:03:29.000 Man, that stuff is poison.

02:03:30.000 All of it.

02:03:30.000 Stevia?

02:03:31.000 How do you say that?

02:03:32.000 No, that's fake.

02:03:34.000 It's plant extract.

02:03:36.000 Oh.

02:03:36.000 It's not fake.

02:03:38.000 It's a plant extract.

02:03:40.000 How do you know?

02:03:41.000 Well, you know everything.

02:03:42.000 You read.

02:03:46.000 There's people that are concerned about stevia because they think that anything that's artificial gives your body this glucose response because it's not actually sugar that your body gets confused, but it's still better than diabetes.

02:04:02.000 Whatever that fake...

02:04:03.000 My take is, if you get cancer from stevia, there's something fucking wrong with you.

02:04:09.000 What?

02:04:10.000 Somebody just said something about Splendor.

02:04:13.000 They think Splendor is giving people counsel.

02:04:15.000 Well, they do all those fucking crazy studies.

02:04:18.000 One time they say, oh, get a mammogram every year.

02:04:22.000 Now they're saying you can go three years without worrying about your titties.

02:04:25.000 Three years.

02:04:26.000 Two, three years without getting a mammogram now.

02:04:28.000 That doesn't seem right.

02:04:29.000 Yes, some insurance only pays like every two, three years.

02:04:32.000 I go every year.

02:04:33.000 So the insurance company just doesn't want to pay for it.

02:04:36.000 Yeah, of course, because your titties ain't sick, you know.

02:04:39.000 How do they know your titties ain't sick?

02:04:41.000 How do they know, Ms. Pat, that your titties ain't sick?

02:04:45.000 They ain't got no...

02:04:45.000 Some little white dude want to save some money.

02:04:47.000 Hey, cut out the extra money for titties.

02:04:49.000 But what happens when your titties get sick and you ain't got shit to suck?

02:04:52.000 That's what I'm saying.

02:04:53.000 Yeah, so I take my titties in every year.

02:04:56.000 Good idea.

02:04:57.000 Aspartame is supposed to be really bad for you.

02:04:59.000 That shit was connected to Donald Rumsfeld had something to do with that shit getting passed.

02:05:07.000 Aspartame is terrible.

02:05:08.000 What is it in?

02:05:10.000 A lot of sweeteners, a lot of diet sodas and shit.

02:05:13.000 I don't drink diet sodas.

02:05:14.000 I've just been drinking water.

02:05:17.000 I love Chick-fil-A lemonade.

02:05:23.000 Chick-fil-A is good.

02:05:24.000 Chick-fil-A is the shit.

02:05:26.000 Everywhere I go, they Christian people that know how to make some good chicken.

02:05:31.000 And have you noticed their employees are never ugly?

02:05:34.000 At Chick-fil-A? They don't have ugly employees.

02:05:37.000 They leave them to McDonald's and churches and shit like that.

02:05:39.000 I never noticed that.

02:05:40.000 Are you sure?

02:05:41.000 I've never seen an ugly person at Chick-fil-A. Hmm.

02:05:41.000 Yes!

02:05:44.000 They keep him in the back.

02:05:46.000 Hmm.

02:05:47.000 My son, look, I love Chick-fil-A so much my 14-year-old son got a job there so I can get a discount.

02:05:53.000 You told him to get a job there?

02:05:55.000 I took him up there, hire him.

02:05:55.000 Hell yeah!

02:05:56.000 That's hilarious.

02:05:58.000 That's hilarious.

02:05:59.000 He got a job.

02:06:00.000 How much of a discount?

02:06:00.000 Is it really worth your son working on Chick-fil-A? 20%?

02:06:02.000 Hell yeah!

02:06:05.000 When you go two, three times a day.

02:06:07.000 Well, what the fuck are you talking about this diet?

02:06:09.000 You're going to Chick-fil-A. They got grilled nuggets.

02:06:11.000 Oh, they got grilled nuggets.

02:06:14.000 So healthy.

02:06:16.000 This is definitely healthy.

02:06:18.000 Well, this is before I started exercising.

02:06:20.000 My son's been there almost a year now.

02:06:21.000 Oh, I see.

02:06:22.000 I see.

02:06:23.000 Teach him how to work.

02:06:24.000 Be a little for the discount, but more to let him know that to get anything in this world, you got to work for it.

02:06:31.000 Right.

02:06:31.000 Including grilled nuggets.

02:06:32.000 Yes.

02:06:33.000 Yes.

02:06:35.000 For mommy.

02:06:36.000 Get mommy a discount.

02:06:38.000 Yes, get mommy a discount.

02:06:39.000 Your first job is your mother's favorite restaurant.

02:06:41.000 Can you say that about yourself?

02:06:43.000 No, I cannot.

02:06:44.000 Okay, well, that's historical.

02:06:45.000 How do your kids feel about you being on TV and being a famous comedian now?

02:06:48.000 Oh, they love it in all the white neighborhoods.

02:06:52.000 They just love it.

02:06:53.000 Do they?

02:06:54.000 Yes.

02:06:54.000 They must, right?

02:06:55.000 Mm-hmm.

02:06:56.000 That's got to make them proud.

02:06:57.000 You know, I got two sets of kids, and I say this on stage.

02:07:02.000 I have a set of Medicaid kids and a set of Blue Cross Blue Shield kids.

02:07:08.000 And I have a great bit I'm working on about this.

02:07:10.000 But, you know, my Blue Cross Blue Shield kids live with me.

02:07:13.000 Like, my kids, like, my first kids grew up, they got free lunch, was on welfare.

02:07:19.000 You know, they was there with Mama with a struggle.

02:07:21.000 Well, Mama and Daddy, you know, now we're well off.

02:07:24.000 We're okay.

02:07:25.000 We ain't well off.

02:07:26.000 We're okay.

02:07:26.000 We ain't no real struggles like it used to be with my first son a kid.

02:07:30.000 So I call my Blue Cross Blue Shield kids, like, they won't eat free lunch.

02:07:34.000 They won't eat free lunch?

02:07:36.000 Why not?

02:07:36.000 Uh-uh.

02:07:37.000 They said that's for poor people.

02:07:38.000 Whoa.

02:07:39.000 Yeah, they would not eat fucking free lunch.

02:07:41.000 And my daughter, now, I don't know if you got any teenagers, but my motherfucking teenagers don't have lost their mind.

02:07:47.000 She told me last week.

02:07:48.000 And you know...

02:07:49.000 I don't want to cuss my kids out because we live in the suburbs.

02:07:54.000 My daughter going to tell me, Mama, everybody come to school with a Starbucks cup.

02:07:57.000 I'm going to need you to take me to Starbucks at 640 so I can walk in school with a Starbucks cup.

02:08:03.000 I said, Motherfucker, you better go get you a cup now and put you some hot chocolate in that bitch.

02:08:08.000 When you get on that bus, it looks like you've been to Starbucks.

02:08:11.000 I ain't getting out my goddamn bed to take you to no Starbucks.

02:08:13.000 What the fuck you think I am?

02:08:15.000 I ain't that type of mama to make you look cool.

02:08:17.000 So everybody in school wants to look cool by walking to school with a Starbucks cup?

02:08:23.000 All the white kids, parents, get up out of they fucking bed in Midwest in the snow and take they little white kids to Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts so they can be cool.

02:08:23.000 Yes!

02:08:33.000 Look what I got.

02:08:34.000 Well, fuck you.

02:08:35.000 You better get you a cup and reuse that bitch and act like you've been to Starbucks every day.

02:08:38.000 I got plenty of hot chocolate in the kitchen.

02:08:42.000 Is it hot chocolate that these kids are getting, or is it coffee?

02:08:44.000 They get the mocha woka, all that old fancy shit, you know, the strawberry.

02:08:48.000 All that old fancy shit.

02:08:49.000 Super sweet.

02:08:49.000 Mocha woka.

02:08:51.000 Frappuccino.

02:08:51.000 Frappuccino, that's what my daughter, I'm like, you already- Frappuccino, that's so much sugar.

02:08:55.000 Yes, and she already fat.

02:08:57.000 So I'm like, you really don't need this bullshit.

02:09:01.000 That shit is so bad for you.

02:09:03.000 When people drink that and they think they're drinking coffee, like you're drinking a fucking shake.

02:09:03.000 Yes.

02:09:07.000 It's a milkshake.

02:09:08.000 It's a shake.

02:09:09.000 If you go to my Starbucks in the morning or at 2.30 after the school's in, it's just a line up the door of kids.

02:09:15.000 Full of white kids.

02:09:16.000 I'm telling you, my daughter go up there to study.

02:09:19.000 What the fuck?

02:09:20.000 I ain't never studied inside no restaurant.

02:09:22.000 A lot of people study at Starbucks.

02:09:23.000 Every time I go there, it's filled with laptops.

02:09:25.000 It's ridiculous.

02:09:25.000 Yeah, and it's loud?

02:09:27.000 Well, they set up.

02:09:28.000 People wear headphones.

02:09:29.000 They set it up where they have these nice tables.

02:09:31.000 They have coffee right there, and it's free Wi-Fi.

02:09:33.000 And my daughter do study groups there.

02:09:35.000 And be like, pick me up from Starbucks.

02:09:38.000 I said, look, I'm not built like that.

02:09:39.000 Whoa, you're not built like a picker-upper from Starbucks?

02:09:42.000 No, I'm not a soccer mom.

02:09:43.000 I'm not hauling you any ugly-ass charging around.

02:09:45.000 You better walk your ass down the street, and I'll meet you.

02:09:47.000 Whoa.

02:09:48.000 Yeah, she want me to do extra shit.

02:09:50.000 I don't want to do extra shit with your friends, okay?

02:09:53.000 Wow.

02:09:53.000 I don't want to do extra shit.

02:09:55.000 What do you mean by extra shit?

02:09:56.000 Pick them up for study group.

02:09:58.000 Them motherfuckers ain't studying.

02:10:00.000 You don't want to pick them up for study group because it's extra shit?

02:10:03.000 Yeah, because I'm in the house, probably in my underwear, watching TV. So you don't want to get out of your underwear to take your daughter to study?

02:10:11.000 My daughter's about to be 17 this month.

02:10:14.000 I done taught her to learn how to drive.

02:10:16.000 She said, I don't want to learn how to drive because technically you're responsible for me until I'm 18. You guys are having those kind of arguments?

02:10:23.000 Yes.

02:10:24.000 Technically you're responsible?

02:10:26.000 She's telling you that you're...

02:10:27.000 That's a difference.

02:10:28.000 I'm becoming the Blue Cross Blue Shield kids.

02:10:30.000 This is the Blue Cross Blue shit.

02:10:31.000 My Medicaid kid would have walked fucking home.

02:10:34.000 Exactly.

02:10:34.000 That's what I'm saying.

02:10:35.000 So you're seeing the difference like a soft life.

02:10:38.000 A big difference.

02:10:40.000 That's why you don't want to do that extra shit.

02:10:40.000 Yes.

02:10:42.000 No, I don't want to do that extra shit.

02:10:46.000 Like, I'm telling you, Joe, my husband, before my niece moved in, we would have to sit at the table.

02:10:51.000 My husband would say, you should allow the kids to vent.

02:10:53.000 Personally, I say, fuck you.

02:10:55.000 Allow them to vent?

02:10:56.000 Yes.

02:10:56.000 We get at the table and hear what they did at school today.

02:10:59.000 I dropped out of school.

02:11:00.000 I don't give a fuck what you did at school.

02:11:02.000 You don't care what they did at school?

02:11:05.000 No!

02:11:09.000 They're not kindergarten.

02:11:10.000 They high schoolers.

02:11:12.000 They're not smoking weed.

02:11:13.000 Don't you want to talk to them?

02:11:14.000 You don't want to talk to them?

02:11:14.000 No.

02:11:15.000 I talk to her every day.

02:11:17.000 Hey, bye.

02:11:18.000 I'm going to my room to get in the bed.

02:11:20.000 That's it?

02:11:21.000 You don't communicate?

02:11:22.000 Joe, my daughter go on and on and on about bullshit.

02:11:26.000 That's what kids do.

02:11:28.000 That's part of being a child.

02:11:30.000 I know.

02:11:30.000 And then such and such got arrested for smoking weed.

02:11:33.000 And then such and such is on pill.

02:11:35.000 I don't know them motherfuckers.

02:11:36.000 I personally don't care.

02:11:37.000 I got real shit.

02:11:38.000 Like I need to hit pay on my fucking computer to pay the bills.

02:11:42.000 I don't want to hear this bullshit you going through.

02:11:44.000 You know?

02:11:45.000 Oh, such as such is having sex.

02:11:47.000 My daughter's still a virgin.

02:11:48.000 Thank God.

02:11:49.000 But I'm like, if you would start fucking, you would have something to talk about.

02:11:52.000 Oh my God.

02:11:53.000 I don't say that to her.

02:11:54.000 So if she starts fucking, then you'll talk to her about some shit?

02:11:54.000 I don't say that to her.

02:11:57.000 No, I don't want her to start fucking.

02:11:58.000 What are you saying?

02:12:00.000 What the fuck are you saying?

02:12:01.000 I don't want to talk to her, okay?

02:12:02.000 You don't want to talk to your kids.

02:12:03.000 That's so crazy.

02:12:05.000 But my husband listened to that shit.

02:12:06.000 And yeah, papi, such and such got arrested.

02:12:08.000 They on pills.

02:12:09.000 They getting high.

02:12:10.000 So I asked, I said, are you getting high?

02:12:11.000 No matter what I'm saying, well, shut the fuck up.

02:12:13.000 Well, you're talking to kids.

02:12:15.000 That's part of raising kids.

02:12:17.000 You got to talk to them.

02:12:18.000 You just want to push them out the door.

02:12:20.000 Yes.

02:12:20.000 Get the fuck out of my house.

02:12:22.000 My husband listened.

02:12:23.000 He's very patient.

02:12:24.000 We have to set up.

02:12:26.000 Because your husband, this is his first set of kids and your second set of kids.

02:12:31.000 So we get at the dinner table, and my daughter wanna just go on and on and on.

02:12:31.000 Yes.

02:12:31.000 Wow.

02:12:36.000 That's what kids do, though.

02:12:36.000 They're developing human beings.

02:12:38.000 I was told, shut the fuck up.

02:12:40.000 You were told shut the fuck up, but you were also...

02:12:43.000 But I don't say shut the fuck up.

02:12:44.000 But you know all the different cycles that we talked about that you broke?

02:12:48.000 I know, but come on, Joe.

02:12:49.000 Be honest.

02:12:50.000 You really don't want to hear the bullshit, but you do it because you're faking the parenthood.

02:12:55.000 I mean, I listen, but I don't respond.

02:12:55.000 No, no, no.

02:12:58.000 In my head, I'm like, you can't shut the fuck up.

02:13:01.000 Nobody want to hear this fucking high school shit.

02:13:03.000 Oh, God.

02:13:04.000 You're talking to their human beings.

02:13:06.000 That's what they're going through.

02:13:08.000 Of course, it's not high school shit to them.

02:13:08.000 I don't say this to her.

02:13:10.000 It's their little wives.

02:13:12.000 It ain't no fucking life.

02:13:13.000 Your mom and daddy pay for your food.

02:13:17.000 We pay for everything.

02:13:18.000 I mean, all you're doing is living and making decent grades.

02:13:22.000 No, they're alive.

02:13:23.000 They're experiencing life.

02:13:25.000 Yeah, okay.

02:13:26.000 What do you mean, yeah, okay?

02:13:29.000 Everybody wasn't raised like you.

02:13:31.000 You're reacting to the way you were raised, and you're expecting your kids to realize you were raised in a harsh environment, and your other kids lived a harsher life than they're living, and they should just shut the fuck up.

02:13:42.000 That's what you're saying.

02:13:43.000 I don't say that to them.

02:13:45.000 But that is what you're saying.

02:13:46.000 Yes!

02:13:46.000 I don't want to hear that bullshit.

02:13:47.000 I don't want to hear no high school shit, Joe.

02:13:49.000 But that's part of life.

02:13:50.000 I know.

02:13:51.000 I'm just saying.

02:13:52.000 She ain't going to listen to this podcast.

02:13:53.000 I don't want to hear that bullshit.

02:13:56.000 I mean, I can't even relate to your friend getting high.

02:14:01.000 I don't know your fucking friend.

02:14:02.000 Well, don't you...

02:14:03.000 I mean, look.

02:14:04.000 If you were talking to her and she was five years old and she was telling me these stories, would you have the same reaction?

02:14:10.000 I would be concerned.

02:14:10.000 Right, you'd be concerned.

02:14:11.000 Yeah.

02:14:11.000 But at 16, you're like, you're on your own.

02:14:13.000 Thank you.

02:14:14.000 I mean, I listen, but I don't want to hear it.

02:14:16.000 I'm saying, I don't want to hear the bullshit about who's getting high, who's having sex, and who this.

02:14:21.000 All she's doing is telling other people business.

02:14:23.000 But don't you want to talk to her about life?

02:14:26.000 I do talk to her about life.

02:14:28.000 So you do talk to her about different shit?

02:14:29.000 Well, you know, I'll tell you this.

02:14:30.000 With my second set of kids, my daughter is attached to her daddy.

02:14:34.000 I mean, he's the world to her.

02:14:36.000 So she don't really come to me.

02:14:38.000 We got that bond where we deal with each other, but we really don't get along.

02:14:44.000 We're the same people.

02:14:45.000 She's very fucking funny.

02:14:48.000 She's very snappy.

02:14:51.000 My daughter thinks she's smarter than me.

02:14:54.000 And to her, she is smarter than me because I didn't have no kids at 15. I didn't drop out of school.

02:15:00.000 I didn't sell drugs.

02:15:01.000 You know, she got a better life.

02:15:02.000 So in her head, she know more shit than I do.

02:15:06.000 Let her tell it.

02:15:07.000 She's smarter than me.

02:15:08.000 So I don't fuck with her.

02:15:09.000 You know, I don't talk to her that much.

02:15:11.000 So she judges you by all your past failures?

02:15:15.000 I think she judges me.

02:15:16.000 Somewhere.

02:15:17.000 I shouldn't even say failures.

02:15:18.000 Like if she's talking about something, like she was talking one day about history.

02:15:22.000 And if I don't know something, I'm not ashamed.

02:15:24.000 I say I don't fucking know it.

02:15:25.000 That's what Miss Troop taught me.

02:15:27.000 You know, if you don't know, then tell a person you don't know.

02:15:29.000 The dumbest question is the question I ask is what I was taught.

02:15:32.000 So she was talking something about history, and I was like, what are you talking about?

02:15:35.000 She was like, how dare you not know this?

02:15:37.000 I'm like, uh, bitch.

02:15:38.000 This is what I say to myself.

02:15:40.000 You know, I got mad because I'm like, if I knew it, I wouldn't ask you.

02:15:44.000 She said, how dare you not know?

02:15:46.000 Yeah, how dare you not know this?

02:15:48.000 What was it that you were talking about?

02:15:49.000 She was talking about history, something about Hitler.

02:15:54.000 I mean, Ari is the first Jew friend that I really knew.

02:15:58.000 I mean, Jews, the black people, it's just Jesus Christ.

02:16:01.000 We thought he was the only Jew in the whole world.

02:16:04.000 So when you talk to her about Hitler and you don't understand...

02:16:07.000 Well, she was talking to her father about history that day.

02:16:10.000 And then she said something and she looked at me and said, what you know about history?

02:16:14.000 And I said, I know three motherfuckers got killed in Chicago last night.

02:16:18.000 And she's like, that's not history?

02:16:19.000 I said, where I'm from?

02:16:22.000 And she didn't like it.

02:16:23.000 She got mad at you?

02:16:25.000 Well, she kind of got mad, so she thinks she's smarter.

02:16:27.000 So I asked her.

02:16:28.000 She was like, I'm so much smarter than you.

02:16:30.000 She said that to you?

02:16:31.000 Yeah.

02:16:32.000 And I said, no, you're not.

02:16:33.000 You can't turn cocaine into crack.

02:16:35.000 Oh, shit.

02:16:36.000 You told her that?

02:16:37.000 That's what you said to her?

02:16:39.000 And my husband was like, don't say that to the babies.

02:16:41.000 I'm like, this motherfucker 250 pounds.

02:16:43.000 This ain't no baby.

02:16:44.000 Oh, my God.

02:16:45.000 This motherfucker 250 pounds.

02:16:48.000 This ain't no baby.

02:16:51.000 That's the openness is in my house.

02:16:53.000 Oh my god, that's hilarious.

02:16:55.000 You should bring her next time.

02:16:56.000 Oh, Joe, you would love her.

02:16:58.000 You would love her because she's...

02:16:59.000 I'm telling you, Joe.

02:17:01.000 There will be no 15-year-olders on this podcast.

02:17:02.000 No, she's 16. She's 17. I don't give a fuck if she's 20. There'll be no under 21 on this podcast ever.

02:17:09.000 No, you would love her because she know everything you know.

02:17:12.000 I do not want to hear you.

02:17:13.000 She go on and on and on.

02:17:14.000 You know what?

02:17:16.000 I tell you, she's so fucking funny.

02:17:18.000 You think she'll be a comic?

02:17:19.000 I want her to be.

02:17:20.000 Do you?

02:17:21.000 Let me tell you.

02:17:22.000 She told me the other day, actually, she can write jokes.

02:17:26.000 She'd give me, if I'm working on something, she'd say, what do you think about this?

02:17:29.000 So I'm in the car the other day, and she said, Mama, you remember the time I wanted you to go to the Children's Museum with me in Indianapolis?

02:17:35.000 And I was like, yes, I couldn't go because I had a gig.

02:17:37.000 And she said, at that museum, it was crazy.

02:17:40.000 I said, what?

02:17:41.000 Each hallway represented a time in history.

02:17:46.000 Like, they started like at the 50s, 60s.

02:17:48.000 So, you know, the whole segregation shit, you know, white people skiing black people down the street.

02:17:52.000 And then she said they had this little black man hanging.

02:17:55.000 And then she said, did you know the KKK had albums?

02:17:58.000 And I was like, what do you mean?

02:17:59.000 They're like, yeah, they made music.

02:18:00.000 And they're like, keep the race, keep black people, you know, all this bullshit.

02:18:04.000 Whatever she was telling me.

02:18:05.000 Then she said she got to the 70th Hall.

02:18:07.000 It was an LSD. She said she got to the 80th.

02:18:09.000 It was a term of rap music and crack epidemic and, you know, teenage pregnancy.

02:18:16.000 And then she said she got to the last hall when they got on the way out the door.

02:18:19.000 It was Obama.

02:18:20.000 And she said all her white friends was like, oh, this is the worst hallway.

02:18:24.000 And she was like, oh, did you not see that black man back there?

02:18:29.000 This is the worst hallway because Obama's in it?

02:18:32.000 Yeah, it's because a lot of Republicans where we live at.

02:18:34.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

02:18:35.000 So they're upset that Obama's the president?

02:18:38.000 Yeah, and the kids are like, that's the worst hallway out of all of them.

02:18:40.000 And my daughter's like, did you not see that black man back there hanging and listening to that music?

02:18:44.000 She is so fucking funny, Joe.

02:18:47.000 And I said, you sure you was at a church and museum?

02:18:50.000 She said, when she saw the KKK hanging a black person, she's like, what kind of church and museum is this?

02:18:56.000 Ha ha ha ha!

02:18:57.000 Wow.

02:18:58.000 So she's just fucking funny.

02:19:01.000 Some of her white friends are like, I'm so sorry.

02:19:05.000 I'm so sorry.

02:19:06.000 She's like, don't be sorry for me.

02:19:07.000 That's your history.

02:19:10.000 That's hilarious.

02:19:11.000 Yes, that's how funny she is.

02:19:13.000 There's a lot of white people in the Midwest that are mad at Obama, huh?

02:19:16.000 They blame the country's woes on the president.

02:19:16.000 Yeah.

02:19:19.000 Yes.

02:19:20.000 You know, I think with the whole Obama thing, I think some of them are just racist.

02:19:26.000 They don't want to have a black leader.

02:19:28.000 Oh, for sure.

02:19:29.000 100%.

02:19:30.000 And I don't like using the race card, because I say everybody ain't racist.

02:19:30.000 Yeah.

02:19:34.000 I say some people are just assholes.

02:19:36.000 That's true, too.

02:19:37.000 I truly believe that.

02:19:39.000 But there's a lot of people that actually are enjoying the fact that Obama is the president, so any problem the world has, they can blame on this black guy.

02:19:48.000 Listen to this.

02:19:49.000 I have a dentist.

02:19:50.000 I had a dentist in Indianapolis, right?

02:19:52.000 So, oh, Ms. Pat, I'm so Christian.

02:19:55.000 I believe in God.

02:19:56.000 Every time, I was probably his only...

02:19:57.000 White dude?

02:19:58.000 White dude.

02:19:58.000 Probably his only black patient.

02:20:01.000 I know I was.

02:20:01.000 Maybe.

02:20:03.000 So I go in there because he coached my son basketball.

02:20:05.000 He coached my son football team.

02:20:07.000 Joe, I go in there.

02:20:08.000 All he want to do is talk about Obama.

02:20:10.000 I hate him and I hate him.

02:20:12.000 So I'm saying to myself, why am I going to keep letting you shoot me in my mouth and you get excited about Obama and give me too much pain medicine and kill me?

02:20:19.000 So I stopped going.

02:20:21.000 I said, because if you're a Christian, you don't supposed to hate, right?

02:20:25.000 But every time I come in there because I'm the only black patient, you always want to talk about Obama.

02:20:29.000 I said, I don't give a fuck about what Obama doing.

02:20:32.000 I said, he's doing like everybody else, fucking up.

02:20:34.000 They all fuckers in the end.

02:20:36.000 If you want to be technically, they all fuckers in the end.

02:20:39.000 No matter which way you vote, you're never going to be happy.

02:20:42.000 No one has ever been a president where everybody thought they did a good job.

02:20:45.000 There's never been one.

02:20:45.000 Thank you.

02:20:46.000 Bill Clinton got his dick sucked.

02:20:48.000 Everybody had a problem with that.

02:20:49.000 Why?

02:20:50.000 You know Hillary was through sucking dick at the time.

02:20:50.000 Why?

02:20:53.000 Why are you going to knock a man for sucking dick?

02:20:55.000 Getting his dick sucked.

02:20:56.000 If somebody come out of my house and help me suck dick, I'm going to agree.

02:20:59.000 You can help me suck dick, just don't fuck him.

02:21:01.000 Just don't fuck him?

02:21:02.000 Yeah.

02:21:03.000 How come?

02:21:05.000 You suck his dick, but you don't fuck him.

02:21:07.000 What is the rule there?

02:21:07.000 You're a good girl.

02:21:09.000 How does that work?

02:21:10.000 Please explain.

02:21:12.000 You just can't fuck him.

02:21:13.000 You can't fuck him.

02:21:14.000 Then you cross the line.

02:21:15.000 That's rude.

02:21:16.000 You sucking his dick, you doing stuff I really get tired of doing.

02:21:19.000 I don't want to do it.

02:21:22.000 That's why Hillary didn't get upset.

02:21:23.000 Okay, bitch, you got a cigarette stuck up your ass.

02:21:25.000 I'm cool with that.

02:21:25.000 Imagine if that was the case, like, you know how you can go and get a massage and no one gets upset?

02:21:29.000 What'd you do after work today, honey?

02:21:30.000 Oh, I wouldn't go to massage.

02:21:31.000 Nobody gets mad at you.

02:21:32.000 But if you're like, I gotta get my dick sucked, like, whew.

02:21:36.000 Yeah.

02:21:36.000 That would be beautiful.

02:21:37.000 What a beautiful world we would live in.

02:21:39.000 Yeah, and that's what I tell them, I say, nobody's, they're never gonna please us.

02:21:43.000 I watched a documentary, not a documentary, but a speech the other day that Monica Lewinsky gave about, you know, like being today, about, you know, all the people that judged her and she's still talking about time.

02:21:54.000 But I'm like, you're still talking about it today.

02:21:56.000 Like, that's like, like, Jesus Christ.

02:21:59.000 Like, I understand it was a big moment for the country.

02:22:02.000 Beyonce put her in a song.

02:22:03.000 She did?

02:22:04.000 A bunch of people put her in a song.

02:22:04.000 Yeah.

02:22:05.000 She was talking about that in the speech.

02:22:07.000 But it was just, something seemed like ridiculous that she's still talking about it.

02:22:11.000 Do you think being her that she...

02:22:13.000 I got extra practice trying to be the best dick sucker because she knows in the future every time she sucks a dick that's going to be a thing.

02:22:20.000 Oh, it has to be.

02:22:22.000 So now she's gagging and...

02:22:24.000 I mean, any guy that dates her, if she doesn't blow them, they're going to be so upset.

02:22:29.000 You blew the fucking president.

02:22:31.000 Everybody knows you suck dick.

02:22:31.000 You won't blow me.

02:22:32.000 It's a different.

02:22:33.000 That's the type of dick you suck.

02:22:35.000 Presidential dick.

02:22:36.000 Yeah, but then you know that the guy knows that he's like below the president.

02:22:38.000 But if she wouldn't have ran her mouth, she would have had so many perks.

02:22:42.000 If she didn't run her mouth?

02:22:42.000 Huh?

02:22:44.000 I don't know what the fuck she'd tell for.

02:22:44.000 Yes.

02:22:45.000 What did you tell for?

02:22:47.000 Everybody be fucking a president or fucking in that White House.

02:22:50.000 Everybody cheat.

02:22:51.000 That's what they do when they go on them fucking meetings.

02:22:53.000 They all go out and buy pussy.

02:22:55.000 Tap their feet in the bathroom or do what they do.

02:22:57.000 Tap their feet in the bathroom.

02:22:58.000 Whatever the fuck they do.

02:22:59.000 That was that Larry Craig guy.

02:23:00.000 That was gay sex though.

02:23:02.000 I don't give a fuck.

02:23:03.000 They go out and get what they like.

02:23:04.000 Gay sex in the bathroom.

02:23:04.000 Right.

02:23:05.000 So, I mean, why you running your mouth?

02:23:06.000 Why did you run your mouth?

02:23:08.000 Did we really have to know that Bill Clinton fucked you, Monica Lewinsky?

02:23:11.000 I wouldn't have never fucking told.

02:23:13.000 Do you know she probably still could have been getting a chick on the side to this day?

02:23:19.000 Probably.

02:23:19.000 You don't tell on them type of people.

02:23:21.000 You tell if you fuck Ray-Ban, you know.

02:23:24.000 Ray-Ban?

02:23:25.000 Ray-Ban.

02:23:28.000 You tell them some shit.

02:23:29.000 Sunglass boy.

02:23:30.000 But you don't tell on a president.

02:23:32.000 That's the secret.

02:23:33.000 Well, I think she was telling her friend and her friend recorded the conversation.

02:23:37.000 Her friend threw her under the bus.

02:23:38.000 The ugly girl with the long nose.

02:23:39.000 Older lady who is angry.

02:23:41.000 Yeah, who wasn't getting no dick.

02:23:43.000 See, that's why I say if you are a single woman, you don't have bitches that don't have a man.

02:23:50.000 Because those are the ones that's always trying to tell you about your relationship.

02:23:53.000 Oh, you shouldn't take this.

02:23:55.000 Bitch, you ain't got no man.

02:23:56.000 Shut your lonely ass up.

02:23:57.000 That is true.

02:23:58.000 Yes.

02:23:59.000 That is true.

02:23:59.000 It's always the girls that have no men and have terrible relationships when they do have men.

02:24:05.000 They want to give their girlfriends some sort of...

02:24:07.000 Oh, Debbie says.

02:24:08.000 Oh, fucking Debbie says.

02:24:10.000 I have a friend like that always want to tell me, oh, you shouldn't take this.

02:24:13.000 Bitch, I've had health care for over 20 years.

02:24:16.000 You don't shut your Medicaid breath ass up.

02:24:20.000 You ain't got no man.

02:24:21.000 I tell people, I don't fuck with single people because they'll have you thinking their way.

02:24:25.000 Then you'll be up here a lonely old motherfucker.

02:24:28.000 Well, there's definitely some people that want people to break up because they're single.

02:24:32.000 That is a fact.

02:24:34.000 There's definitely people.

02:24:34.000 Or they want what you got.

02:24:36.000 There's that too.

02:24:37.000 Yeah.

02:24:37.000 As soon as you leave them, then you look up and she blowing them.

02:24:40.000 Well, you told me not to accept it.

02:24:42.000 You told me not to give him head.

02:24:43.000 No, because this bitch was waiting in line to give him head.

02:24:46.000 I can't believe you're saying this.

02:24:48.000 What?

02:24:49.000 But you're right.

02:24:52.000 No, I know.

02:24:53.000 You don't tell nobody how good your man put it down.

02:24:56.000 You tell your girlfriend that, then her wheels get to spinning.

02:24:59.000 I might need to go try that.

02:25:01.000 Really?

02:25:02.000 Yeah.

02:25:03.000 How common is that?

02:25:05.000 Very calm.

02:25:06.000 Amongst women, do you think women covet their friends' men?

02:25:09.000 Well, huh?

02:25:11.000 Do you think women covet their friends' men?

02:25:14.000 Like, you know, a girl that's hanging around with you, you're talking about your husband, she's like, hmm, I should get this one.

02:25:19.000 Yeah, if you say it's good, he can eat, yeah.

02:25:21.000 Eat pussy.

02:25:22.000 Yeah.

02:25:22.000 Stealing from Miss Pat.

02:25:24.000 You can't steal shit from me.

02:25:26.000 My husband ain't doing shit with me, so he ain't gonna do shit with you.

02:25:30.000 Have your ass watching Empire.

02:25:32.000 Uh-huh.

02:25:35.000 He got a job.

02:25:36.000 That's hilarious.

02:25:38.000 It's the ones who are broke that you gotta keep an eye on, right?

02:25:40.000 The ones who sling that delicious broke dick.

02:25:43.000 Delicious broke black dick.

02:25:47.000 Ms. Pat, I gotta get the fuck out of here.

02:25:49.000 Me too.

02:25:49.000 This has been beautiful, though.

02:25:50.000 Thank you, thank you.

02:25:51.000 And your episode of This Is Not Happening happens next week.

02:25:51.000 Thank you very much.

02:25:56.000 Next Thursday.

02:25:56.000 Next week.

02:25:57.000 The 26th.

02:25:58.000 Next Thursday, the 26th.

02:25:59.000 Is it on at 1230?

02:26:01.000 Yeah, at night.

02:26:01.000 Is that what it's on?

02:26:02.000 And I'm taking Marin's show this week.

02:26:04.000 Oh, IFC TV show?

02:26:06.000 Beautiful, beautiful.

02:26:07.000 People can get you a comedian, Ms. Pat, on Twitter.

02:26:10.000 We need to fucking get that other Ms. Pat.

02:26:12.000 I'm tired of spelling comedian wrong.

02:26:15.000 Okay.

02:26:15.000 I don't believe in that word, by the way.

02:26:17.000 I don't believe in it.

02:26:18.000 It's like, comedian.

02:26:19.000 No, you're a fucking comic.

02:26:21.000 You're a goddamn stand-up comic, right?

02:26:23.000 Okay, Dana Jo.

02:26:24.000 You don't need to be a female comedian.

02:26:25.000 Like, what is that?

02:26:27.000 That, like, categorizes you.

02:26:29.000 You know?

02:26:29.000 Yeah.

02:26:30.000 And I don't do no females copies, really.

02:26:32.000 Yeah, well, you're a fucking comic.

02:26:33.000 I'm a comic.

02:26:34.000 That's what I'm saying, right?

02:26:36.000 You need to just miss Pat.

02:26:38.000 M-S-P-A-T. There's some person that has it, and there's fucking, like, one tweet.

02:26:42.000 It's bullshit.

02:26:43.000 They have no followers.

02:26:45.000 Their tweets are blocked, too.

02:26:46.000 You can't even read their tweets.

02:26:48.000 Probably because people are bombing on them.

02:26:49.000 Give Miss Pat her fucking name!

02:26:51.000 That's probably what's happening.

02:26:52.000 I'm going to look into that.

02:26:53.000 I didn't know you could do that.

02:26:54.000 I will.

02:26:57.000 Wednesday night sold out at the Ice House.

02:27:00.000 Very few tickets left for Thursday night at the Ice House.

02:27:04.000 That's it.

02:27:04.000 This weekend, Portland, long sold out.

02:27:07.000 Tough shit.

02:27:08.000 No chance.

02:27:09.000 That's it.

02:27:10.000 There's some other dates that I put up on the books really recently.

02:27:14.000 Dallas, the Majestic Theater in Dallas.

02:27:16.000 That's coming up.

02:27:17.000 That is March 13th.

02:27:21.000 And then there's a New York City one that's in April.

02:27:25.000 Just figure that shit out on your own.

02:27:28.000 JoeRogan.net.

02:27:28.000 Brian, you got anything going on?

02:27:30.000 Vancouver 420. Vancouver 420. A good place to be on 420. Yeah.

02:27:35.000 I'm at Morty's Comedy Joint, March 26th through the 28th in Indianapolis.

02:27:39.000 Kapow!

02:27:40.000 And also I'm at the casino here.

02:27:43.000 God damn it, I don't forget the name.

02:27:44.000 Out here?

02:27:44.000 Yeah.

02:27:44.000 Out here?

02:27:45.000 Chumash?

02:27:46.000 No, Congo or some shit.

02:27:48.000 Congo?

02:27:49.000 Morongo?

02:27:49.000 Morongo!

02:27:50.000 When's that?

02:27:51.000 Friday.

02:27:52.000 This Friday?

02:27:53.000 This week?

02:27:54.000 What is your website?

02:27:57.000 MsPatComedy.com.

02:27:59.000 MsPatComedy.com.

02:28:00.000 There you go.

02:28:01.000 And I'm coming to see you Wednesday.

02:28:02.000 All right.

02:28:03.000 Thank you, my friend.

02:28:03.000 Beautiful.

02:28:04.000 Thank you, baby.

02:28:05.000 MsPat, ladies and gentlemen.

02:28:06.000 Good night, everybody.

The Joe Rogan Experience - February 16, 2015

Joe Rogan Experience #613 - Ms. Pat

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