The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #618

00:00:08.000 That was a struggle to put that tweet out, and I think I fucked it up.

00:00:12.000 As I was releasing it, I was like, bitch, you didn't even spellcheck that.

00:00:16.000 Artie Lang, ladies and gentlemen.

00:00:18.000 Artie Lang.

00:00:18.000 Yeah, I fucked it up.

00:00:20.000 Whatever.

00:00:21.000 I didn't do the right thing.

00:00:22.000 The colon was fucked up.

00:00:23.000 Damn.

00:00:24.000 Whatever.

00:00:25.000 Artie Lang, ladies and gentlemen.

00:00:25.000 People figured out.

00:00:26.000 Artie Lang can play some fucking pool.

00:00:28.000 Oh, yeah, man.

00:00:29.000 You got a pool table.

00:00:30.000 You got a pool table out there?

00:00:32.000 I didn't get this body running 10 miles a day.

00:00:36.000 But no, we played a couple games in the pool, but you kicked some ass too.

00:00:40.000 It was fun.

00:00:41.000 Did you play in a pool hall as a kid or something?

00:00:44.000 Yeah, well, I tore my ACL when I was 21, and I couldn't work out until I got it fixed.

00:00:49.000 My friend John Tobin, who was a stand-up comic from New York, he and I used to meet at this pool hall and just shit away our days, you know, just wear comics.

00:00:59.000 And I just started playing obsessively.

00:01:02.000 I got hooked on playing in tournaments.

00:01:04.000 Yeah.

00:01:05.000 I went through a nutty time where I couldn't stop playing pool.

00:01:07.000 I had all these delusions of grandeur that I was never going to have to work in.

00:01:11.000 Like Jackie Gleason in The Hustler with the chubby fingers going, Ace in the corner.

00:01:16.000 It's so classic, right?

00:01:18.000 When Paul Newman goes, look at that little chubby guy, walking around like a chubby ballerina.

00:01:23.000 Look at the way he moves, like a dancer.

00:01:27.000 It's like he's playing the violin.

00:01:28.000 The stick stuck between his chubby little fingers.

00:01:31.000 Yeah, that is an amazing movie.

00:01:32.000 Yeah, that's one of my all-time favorite movies.

00:01:35.000 Absolutely.

00:01:35.000 Jackie Gleason's a hell of an actor, man.

00:01:37.000 Yeah, and we were saying, Jackie Gleason might have been like the best celebrity pool player ever.

00:01:42.000 Like, Jackie Gleason could run a hundred balls.

00:01:43.000 It's hard to find somebody...

00:01:45.000 He almost beat Moscone once, I think, in straight pool.

00:01:48.000 Didn't, but almost did.

00:01:50.000 Didn't, but almost did?

00:01:50.000 I don't know about that.

00:01:51.000 That sounds like some bullshit that Italians say over the fire.

00:01:54.000 This one time, Jackie Gleason had him on the fucking ropes.

00:01:54.000 Well...

00:01:57.000 He had him on the ropes.

00:01:59.000 Fucking Moscone, he was shitting himself.

00:02:01.000 Couldn't believe it.

00:02:02.000 This guy's going to be better than me at everything.

00:02:04.000 Yeah, I also have an uncle who told me he struck out Dominic DiMaggio.

00:02:07.000 Oh, Dominic DiMaggio.

00:02:09.000 Joe DiMaggio's retarded brother.

00:02:10.000 No, he wasn't that retarded.

00:02:14.000 Was it a real Dominic?

00:02:15.000 It was a Vince, Dominic, and Joe.

00:02:15.000 There was.

00:02:18.000 I didn't know.

00:02:19.000 I was making that up.

00:02:20.000 They all died broke.

00:02:22.000 Really?

00:02:22.000 Pretty much.

00:02:23.000 After the 1989 San Francisco earthquake, that's where Joe DiMaggio lived, cops found him walking around the city in a daze with a suitcase full of $600,000 in cash.

00:02:36.000 So it was all from baseball card signings and shit.

00:02:39.000 Wow.

00:02:40.000 How weird.

00:02:42.000 Was he just getting crazy as he got older?

00:02:45.000 He was starting to lose it.

00:02:46.000 He was starting to lose it.

00:02:47.000 Marilyn Monroe pussy was that strong.

00:02:49.000 I bet it was.

00:02:50.000 Sounds like her and Rita Hayworth had magical fucking twats.

00:02:53.000 Broke a man!

00:02:56.000 Like apparently to his growth.

00:02:58.000 He used to leave flowers on her grave.

00:03:00.000 Yeah.

00:03:00.000 And Sinatraa and Ava Gardner.

00:03:02.000 Yeah.

00:03:03.000 Some chicks know how to slang it.

00:03:06.000 Richard Price is a...

00:03:08.000 I don't know why business is always complaining.

00:03:09.000 They got half the money and all the pussy.

00:03:15.000 What the fuck?

00:03:16.000 Could it be a more truer statement made about life?

00:03:19.000 Yeah, and there's some women that just have their currency, like their social currency, is worth just so much more than you can ever afford.

00:03:27.000 I know.

00:03:27.000 She's so happy to just be with them.

00:03:29.000 And I think Marilyn Monroe was just so powerful.

00:03:29.000 Absolutely.

00:03:31.000 She was.

00:03:32.000 Trying to hold on to a tornado or something.

00:03:34.000 Good luck keeping her wife.

00:03:36.000 Well, that's exactly what they were trying to do.

00:03:38.000 Yeah, because it drives you crazy.

00:03:40.000 Yeah, who's the other guy?

00:03:40.000 Was it Ginsberg?

00:03:41.000 Who did she live with as well?

00:03:43.000 Arthur Miller.

00:03:44.000 Arthur Miller.

00:03:45.000 And Artie Shaw.

00:03:47.000 Yeah.

00:03:48.000 Three, I guess.

00:03:50.000 Yeah, I'm a film historian.

00:03:52.000 Are you really?

00:03:53.000 I'm an historian in a lot of ways, especially in sports.

00:03:56.000 I'll tell you what, I don't know how I know this, I have no idea how I remember this, but you give me the year between 1949 and the year 2000, so what, 51 years.

00:04:06.000 I'll give you the two teams who were in the World Series and who won.

00:04:09.000 Holy shit.

00:04:10.000 I don't know why I know it.

00:04:11.000 If you want to do a couple, I'll do it and then we'll get out of there.

00:04:14.000 I wouldn't even know.

00:04:15.000 Does anyone know who won a World Series?

00:04:18.000 These two guys, they don't fucking pay attention to sports.

00:04:21.000 What am I, on The View?

00:04:22.000 You don't know any World Series title?

00:04:25.000 I literally have no idea who won this year.

00:04:28.000 I don't know who's the World Series champion this year.

00:04:30.000 Right.

00:04:30.000 I don't know who won last year.

00:04:32.000 Really?

00:04:32.000 I don't know.

00:04:33.000 I really don't know.

00:04:33.000 I know.

00:04:34.000 It sounds ridiculous.

00:04:35.000 No, it doesn't, I guess, if you don't like baseball.

00:04:37.000 You like football, right?

00:04:39.000 I don't even watch football.

00:04:41.000 You just watch that MMA shit.

00:04:43.000 I watch kickboxing.

00:04:44.000 What is that?

00:04:45.000 I watch jujitsu.

00:04:46.000 What's the difference?

00:04:47.000 I watch MMA. I watch those things.

00:04:49.000 It's all the same shit.

00:04:50.000 And I watch boxing.

00:04:51.000 And that's all I pay attention to.

00:04:52.000 Boxing, I love.

00:04:53.000 Mayweather and Pacquiao.

00:04:54.000 What do you think?

00:04:55.000 I think Mayweather is a very clever man.

00:04:58.000 Very clever man.

00:04:59.000 And setting the fight now is a good time.

00:05:03.000 It's a very good time.

00:05:04.000 I think so financially, too.

00:05:06.000 It's a good time financially, but it's also a good time for him as far as success-wise.

00:05:10.000 Manny Pacquiao was extremely dangerous just a few years ago, maybe even more so than he is now.

00:05:16.000 He lost some steps, though.

00:05:18.000 There's a thought, and it may not be correct, because his last fight against Brandon Rios, he looked really fucking good, and then Chris Algieri, he looked really fucking good.

00:05:26.000 I mean, he looks good, dude.

00:05:27.000 He's a beast.

00:05:28.000 Manny Pacquiao is a beast.

00:05:29.000 I know, I understand that.

00:05:31.000 I've seen him try it.

00:05:31.000 But the thought is, the Marquez knockout, when Manuel Marquez knocked him out, knocked him out dead, cold, one right hand, bam.

00:05:37.000 And the thought is, when a guy gets turned off like that, like maybe there's a little something that he lost.

00:05:42.000 Maybe there's a little step.

00:05:44.000 It's not always correct.

00:05:45.000 Sometimes guys bounce back from a knockout and they're fine.

00:05:47.000 It totally varies on the individual.

00:05:50.000 But not a lot of boxers.

00:05:51.000 Ollie always says after Frazier hit him with that first left in the first fight, he was more apprehensive than he ever was in his life.

00:05:57.000 He said it cost him the fight against Spinks and Foreman because all he saw was that fucking left hook.

00:06:03.000 He beat Foreman, yeah.

00:06:04.000 Boom, man.

00:06:05.000 It affected the rest of his life.

00:06:07.000 It was a launching left hook, too.

00:06:09.000 Joe Frazier would throw himself.

00:06:11.000 Feet were off the ground, man.

00:06:13.000 Did you ever watch the fight between George Foreman and Joe Frazier?

00:06:16.000 Yes, yes.

00:06:17.000 I like Frazier, too, but it's classic Howard Cosell.

00:06:17.000 That's insane.

00:06:21.000 Foreman was just something different back then, man.

00:06:23.000 He was just something different.

00:06:25.000 He was hitting guys like 20%, 30% harder than anybody ever seen.

00:06:28.000 Fight night back in the 70s was fun, man.

00:06:31.000 I can remember being a kid really getting like, wow, this is going to be fun.

00:06:35.000 Yeah, I remember watching those ABC Wide World of Sports.

00:06:38.000 Alexis Arguello would fight.

00:06:41.000 Arguello Pryor?

00:06:42.000 Remember the two Arguello Pryor fights?

00:06:44.000 Yeah, incredible.

00:06:45.000 The one they thought Pryor's fucking manager put schnapps in to get him going.

00:06:53.000 Well, they thought it was Coke.

00:06:54.000 Oh, okay.

00:06:54.000 That's what your thought was.

00:06:55.000 But then he said it was liquor, maybe.

00:06:57.000 That doesn't make any sense.

00:06:59.000 More likely it was Coke.

00:07:00.000 If someone gave me a bunch of peppermint schnapps, I would not want to fight, no.

00:07:03.000 Well, not only that, I don't think you could just drink.

00:07:05.000 Tell me if I'm wrong.

00:07:06.000 I don't think you could just drink Coke.

00:07:08.000 Like, if someone puts cocaine in a glass and mixes it with water.

00:07:11.000 There's the liquid Coke that you shoot in your nose.

00:07:13.000 Dude, can you just drink it?

00:07:15.000 Yeah, I'm sure you could.

00:07:16.000 Dude, pick up Stevie Ray Vaughan's book.

00:07:18.000 About drinking coke?

00:07:19.000 Yeah.

00:07:20.000 For about two years, he woke up every morning and dissolved cocaine into a glass of Jack Daniels and drank it like Rocky drank the eggs.

00:07:27.000 Oh, my God.

00:07:29.000 Really?

00:07:29.000 Yeah, because the nummies, when you're done with doing the line, you always put the nummy on your tongue or on your teeth.

00:07:35.000 It makes your whole mouth numb, so drinking it must make your whole body numb.

00:07:38.000 And especially in whiskey, so it's an upper and a downer, you know.

00:07:42.000 Wow.

00:07:43.000 It's basically a living hell.

00:07:46.000 Well, he was just apparently, I mean, Richard, or Aaron Pryor, rather, later in his career, he had a real problem with drugs and a real problem with cocaine.

00:07:54.000 And so it's very likely that he might have had that problem even while he was like an elite athlete.

00:07:59.000 And if you gave him just a little bit in the corner, like, there's no drug test.

00:08:02.000 But those fights, I'll give you another fight as a boxing fan.

00:08:06.000 I ran Barkley and Duran.

00:08:07.000 Fuck yeah.

00:08:08.000 Holy shit.

00:08:09.000 Roberto Duran showed that even though he was in his 30s at the time, I remember Barkley was bigger, stronger.

00:08:15.000 I remember Barkley had knocked out Tommy Hearns.

00:08:17.000 Did he knock out Hearns before that or after that?

00:08:20.000 Before.

00:08:21.000 Yeah, I remember Barkley was terrifying.

00:08:23.000 And Roberto Duran boxed his face off.

00:08:25.000 The same way he did to Davey Moore.

00:08:26.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:08:27.000 I just wish he would have done it to Leonard.

00:08:29.000 I guess maybe he couldn't find them, whatever.

00:08:31.000 Go grab him and just beat him up.

00:08:33.000 Who knows what happened, man, that second fight.

00:08:35.000 Frank Sinatra got paid.

00:08:36.000 That's what happened.

00:08:37.000 It could be that.

00:08:38.000 A lot of people thought that he was paid to take a dive, that Duran took a dive.

00:08:42.000 A lot of people thought that Duran just didn't train and just partied like a fucking wild animal after he beat Leonard the first time.

00:08:48.000 Duran, he was one of those guys who won $4 million in a fight, and then two months later, after a bunch of booze and cocaine and new shoes, he needs to fight again.

00:08:57.000 He gets these big white gold shoes, and he gets heavy, and then he needs to box again.

00:09:02.000 He's a classic story, man.

00:09:04.000 He's a classic story.

00:09:05.000 I love Roberto Duran.

00:09:06.000 He's one of my all-time favorites.

00:09:08.000 Joey Diaz got me his book many, many years ago, because we would always sit around and talk about Roberto Duran.

00:09:13.000 Right.

00:09:14.000 Joey's a huge Roberto Duran fan, so he gave me his book.

00:09:16.000 It's amazing.

00:09:17.000 The guy had an incredible life.

00:09:18.000 I'm sure he did.

00:09:19.000 A lot of boxers, if you think about it, probably have.

00:09:22.000 You know, they're brought up nuts, I think.

00:09:25.000 Yeah, it's hard to be at the highest level without being a little nuts.

00:09:29.000 Yeah, you've got to nurture the physicality and then the anger, and then before you know it, you've got a pit bull that attacks your neighbor.

00:09:35.000 Yeah.

00:09:35.000 That's what you want.

00:09:36.000 I was watching a video of Mike Tyson from 87, training with Kevin Rooney, and they were hitting mitts.

00:09:43.000 You see young Mike Tyson who was like, I don't think he was like 20 or something at the time.

00:09:48.000 I don't know how old he was, but he was just fucking these mitts up.

00:09:52.000 Just move so fast for a heavyweight and all that bomb it and weave and shit that he used to do.

00:09:56.000 Like he bombed and weaved after every combination.

00:09:58.000 Every combination he would throw in the pads.

00:10:00.000 He'd go down, he was short and they'd miss him, yeah.

00:10:04.000 Dude, but even in the pads, like that's how he did it when he was working the pads.

00:10:07.000 He just was constantly in motion.

00:10:09.000 Something else.

00:10:10.000 Yeah, mental.

00:10:11.000 A mental thing happened.

00:10:14.000 That's what I think.

00:10:15.000 Emotionally, you gotta stay tough a long time, man.

00:10:19.000 Even Ali went, but he lasted long enough.

00:10:22.000 But Tyson, you know, a couple years, and then he went crazy.

00:10:26.000 And I don't blame him for...

00:10:27.000 I'm not saying...

00:10:27.000 I don't blame the guy for going crazy.

00:10:29.000 I mean, look at the men who live in that Kardashian house.

00:10:33.000 They all eventually go nuts.

00:10:35.000 That's atmosphere.

00:10:36.000 Like, Lamar Odom starts smoking crack, and, you know, of course, Bruce Jenner has a pussy, you know.

00:10:43.000 Well, he's getting one.

00:10:45.000 Yeah, it's...

00:10:46.000 It's really difficult to believe.

00:10:48.000 Well, to be at the level that a Mike Tyson was at his point in life at a really young age, 20-year-old champion of the world, you know, he's out there doing whatever he wants to do, basically, buying Bentleys, crashing them, giving them to cops.

00:11:03.000 I mean, he was just off the chain, crazy.

00:11:05.000 He owned a lion.

00:11:06.000 I mean, he was as crazy as you can get.

00:11:08.000 You can't get any crazier, and you can't keep that up.

00:11:10.000 That's not a sustainable life.

00:11:13.000 No, listen, I don't live a sustainable life, so much less that.

00:11:18.000 I've decided that something's got to change.

00:11:21.000 I mean, I'm pushing 50. What's got to change?

00:11:24.000 I don't know.

00:11:24.000 Career on the U.S. pool circuit?

00:11:26.000 Certainly not the career.

00:11:27.000 That's the only thing that makes me money.

00:11:28.000 I'd love to shoot pool, but I'm not that good.

00:11:32.000 Let's make it happen.

00:11:32.000 You just train.

00:11:33.000 That's the show.

00:11:34.000 That's the reality show.

00:11:35.000 Marty Lang joins the pro tour.

00:11:37.000 Joe, we've known each other a long time.

00:11:39.000 I've got to stop.

00:11:41.000 I've got to stop.

00:11:42.000 I'll have a party or something.

00:11:43.000 You're going to have a party and stop what?

00:11:45.000 Working.

00:11:46.000 Just done.

00:11:47.000 Yeah.

00:11:47.000 I'm just going to buy a huge chair and eat myself until I fit into it.

00:11:55.000 I don't know.

00:11:56.000 I got road coming up.

00:11:58.000 You like doing the road still?

00:11:59.000 I like doing the road because I go with my friends.

00:12:01.000 I bring comics that I like to open for me and we have fun.

00:12:04.000 How many guys you bring?

00:12:06.000 Depends.

00:12:06.000 Sometimes two, sometimes one.

00:12:08.000 I like going on the road with a friend.

00:12:10.000 See, I've tried that.

00:12:11.000 I've tried bringing friends of mine to open for me and I'm still miserable.

00:12:15.000 Really?

00:12:15.000 Yeah, I don't know.

00:12:16.000 Mostly because I don't like them in my room.

00:12:18.000 Oh.

00:12:19.000 Or the dressing room.

00:12:21.000 I like a lot of them, but it doesn't get me over the...

00:12:26.000 Multiple shows in one night where you gotta reboot and then get back up.

00:12:30.000 The multiple shows are tricky if you freeball your material a lot because you get to that second show and you're like, I'm not exactly sure if I did this this show or last show.

00:12:38.000 I'm almost gonna tape it.

00:12:40.000 Oh no, that's happened a bunch of times when I repeat a joke.

00:12:44.000 Holy shit.

00:12:45.000 I was drunk once in Pittsburgh.

00:12:47.000 It's like midnight.

00:12:48.000 There's a 400 pound guy sitting in the corner and I start to tell the same joke I told about 20 minutes before.

00:12:54.000 The 400 pound guy's got like khaki shorts on.

00:12:57.000 He's got his hands closed like this.

00:12:58.000 And as I start the joke, he just goes, did it!

00:13:03.000 He just said, did it!

00:13:05.000 With a real, real mad look on his face.

00:13:08.000 And it stopped me and I said, oh, thank you.

00:13:11.000 I appreciate you coming to rehearsal.

00:13:14.000 They get hostile.

00:13:16.000 All right, man, I'm not trying to fuck with you.

00:13:18.000 I made a mistake.

00:13:20.000 Some people just demand perfection.

00:13:23.000 Yeah.

00:13:23.000 Well, this guy didn't look like one of them.

00:13:25.000 You get very angry if there's any mistakes going on.

00:13:28.000 Live performance by an intoxicated man who you love.

00:13:32.000 Well.

00:13:32.000 You know?

00:13:32.000 Guy comes all the way to see you.

00:13:34.000 He's got to fucking treat you like that.

00:13:35.000 How dare he?

00:13:36.000 He lived across the street.

00:13:37.000 He looked like David Beckham.

00:13:39.000 Was he beautiful?

00:13:41.000 Do you think it's gay that I feel Chad Ochocinco is David Beckham dipped in fudge?

00:13:48.000 First of all, I think it's a huge insult to Chad Ochocinco.

00:13:52.000 Really?

00:13:53.000 You like him?

00:13:54.000 You like him?

00:13:55.000 Well, he's just way more of an athlete.

00:13:58.000 Yeah, I mean, if you looked at both of them naked, you would definitely be able to tell if it was in black and white who's who.

00:14:04.000 They're both the same color.

00:14:06.000 Chad Ochocinco is a different kind of athlete.

00:14:08.000 I guess so.

00:14:09.000 That guy's a fucking freak athlete.

00:14:10.000 Yeah, but he's fucking up.

00:14:11.000 He's not around.

00:14:12.000 He's not doing his thing.

00:14:13.000 It's hard to keep that going.

00:14:15.000 Like we talked about earlier.

00:14:16.000 It's hard.

00:14:17.000 We're talking about him so we know who he is.

00:14:19.000 If we know who he is, a lot of people know who he is.

00:14:20.000 Which means he probably, at least for a short period of time, he got a fuckload of money.

00:14:24.000 And before that, probably didn't have any money.

00:14:26.000 See, I don't think you're giving his problems enough merit.

00:14:31.000 I mean, I agree with everything, but the man did change his name to Ocho Cinco.

00:14:35.000 It's 85 in Spanish.

00:14:37.000 If you're normal, you don't do that.

00:14:39.000 But we are talking about him.

00:14:42.000 Yeah, sure.

00:14:42.000 I mean, we can talk about Hitler, too.

00:14:44.000 What's the criteria?

00:14:46.000 What do you want to talk about?

00:14:47.000 No, but I think for those guys, is what I'm saying.

00:14:49.000 To those guys, it's important to get your name out there.

00:14:51.000 For football players, movie stars, whatever, you know.

00:14:53.000 I think that's a good move, to call yourself Ocho Cinco.

00:14:56.000 I mean, otherwise, I don't follow sports, so I really wouldn't know.

00:14:59.000 Well, I don't have a jersey number, so I'm going to change my last name to my cholesterol level in Spanish, which is, of course, Arti Cuatro Dos Ocho.

00:15:13.000 That's going to get on you a lot of pussy.

00:15:15.000 That's hilarious.

00:15:18.000 What else have you been up to?

00:15:19.000 You just do this on the road?

00:15:21.000 Basically, in the UFC. Oh, and what's your UFC schedule?

00:15:25.000 You're like so busy.

00:15:26.000 I'm pretty busy, but it's all stuff I like doing, so it doesn't bother me.

00:15:29.000 This weekend is at the Staples Center.

00:15:31.000 And you do every match?

00:15:33.000 No, I don't do every one.

00:15:34.000 There's a lot that I don't do.

00:15:36.000 There's a lot that are like...

00:15:38.000 The Fox Sports Night ones, most of those I don't do.

00:15:41.000 Some of them I do do, but what we're doing recently is we have a bunch of guys in here and we watch the fights and do a podcast, a live podcast while we're watching the fights.

00:15:50.000 That's really fun.

00:15:51.000 I did that with the Super Bowl because I had a $30,000 bet on it and it was kind of weird to see what happened.

00:15:56.000 I won five grand.

00:15:57.000 Jesus Christ, son.

00:15:58.000 I lost on the fucking coin toss, two grand.

00:16:01.000 Did you really?

00:16:02.000 Immediately.

00:16:03.000 You had a $2,000 coin toss?

00:16:05.000 I was down two grand before the game started.

00:16:09.000 Terrible.

00:16:09.000 But I ended up up five Gs.

00:16:11.000 I had the Patriots and had the Patriots and the over.

00:16:13.000 Dude, you like gambling.

00:16:14.000 That's one thing I can tell.

00:16:16.000 As soon as we moved to gambling tonight, it was Brian Regan wanted to hustle us.

00:16:21.000 We had to play a $20 game and nine ball play.

00:16:23.000 I ended up walking away with a double serve.

00:16:25.000 Two fives of mine.

00:16:27.000 And he got out like four or five balls in a row.

00:16:29.000 Not an easy out.

00:16:30.000 You got out.

00:16:31.000 We played one game and already cleaned it up.

00:16:34.000 No, we didn't.

00:16:36.000 You won the first.

00:16:37.000 You didn't bet on the first two.

00:16:38.000 You won.

00:16:38.000 Well, we were just playing, and then Regan wanted to hustle us.

00:16:41.000 I thought he was going to pull out the real game.

00:16:42.000 Yeah, Regan looks like maybe he grew up in one of those Irish neighbors.

00:16:45.000 You want to play, matey?

00:16:47.000 How's your better pool game, matey?

00:16:49.000 All of a sudden, he's a fucking pirate.

00:16:52.000 That's hilarious.

00:16:53.000 I was trying to do Charles Dickens.

00:16:55.000 Oh, I got confused.

00:16:56.000 I never know what that guy sounded like.

00:16:57.000 Me too.

00:16:59.000 Now, that was a fun time.

00:17:00.000 Are you enjoying doing podcasting now?

00:17:02.000 No.

00:17:04.000 Why don't you like it?

00:17:05.000 Listen, I'm not an ambitious guy.

00:17:07.000 My point is, like, you know, the Rob Lowe, like the Artie Lang?

00:17:10.000 I'm more like the stop caring Rob Lowe, you know?

00:17:13.000 I'm that guy, like, in the contract.

00:17:15.000 Oh, right, that commercial with the caveman Rob Lowe?

00:17:17.000 Yeah, I'm the other guy.

00:17:18.000 So, you know, the podcast, I mean, I do it in my kitchen.

00:17:23.000 I've been late eight times.

00:17:27.000 But what don't you like about it?

00:17:28.000 You're so good on the radio.

00:17:29.000 I like being on the radio.

00:17:31.000 I like talking like this and saying stuff on the radio.

00:17:34.000 You don't like organizing it and doing anything yourself?

00:17:36.000 No, I just let everybody else do it, but then eventually I need something done properly.

00:17:41.000 It's a mess, man.

00:17:42.000 That just seems like a logistics thing.

00:17:43.000 That seems like that could be handled.

00:17:45.000 Look, you're a really fucking funny guy.

00:17:47.000 For you to not have a podcast This would be ridiculous.

00:17:49.000 You know, you've been in a couple, there's a couple problems that you've had over the last few months about tweets and shit like that.

00:17:54.000 Right.

00:17:55.000 We read those tweets off and we were fucking howling.

00:17:57.000 Oh, thank you, man.

00:17:58.000 We didn't think there was anything wrong with it.

00:17:59.000 I got on Twitter, I said, look, this is hilarious.

00:18:02.000 Do you think he really means what he's saying?

00:18:04.000 Of course, that's why they're so stupid.

00:18:06.000 It's so stupid.

00:18:07.000 These are jokes.

00:18:08.000 You know, it really is gross.

00:18:11.000 And either one of those things you said was mean-spirited.

00:18:13.000 It was funny shit.

00:18:14.000 It was funny, self-deprecating.

00:18:17.000 And in the one where I'm Thomas Jefferson and the black girl Carrie Champion is the slave, where Carrie Champion is my slave and I'm her master, I point out that I do not ejaculate until she escapes.

00:18:35.000 You're saying that you would have her beat you and you'd come all over yourself?

00:18:38.000 What did you say?

00:18:39.000 I'll go one further.

00:18:40.000 I'm saying when I see an African-American woman get her freedom and break free from the chains, I just blow a load all over the planet.

00:18:49.000 Oh, so you have to see the freedom happen in order for you to come.

00:18:52.000 So you're a freedom justice warrior.

00:18:55.000 Let jism ring.

00:18:57.000 Oh, how dare you.

00:18:59.000 See, I don't think there's anything wrong with you being incredibly excited and sexually aroused at a woman achieving freedom.

00:19:04.000 I think that we should all be.

00:19:05.000 Nothing wrong with that.

00:19:06.000 Do you think you're capable of coming equally for a man achieving freedom?

00:19:10.000 Or maybe a gay man?

00:19:11.000 No, no, no.

00:19:11.000 Or a transgender man?

00:19:12.000 I don't think I could come for a man.

00:19:14.000 You've got to come across the board and everybody will be happy.

00:19:16.000 Just come when people get free.

00:19:17.000 I don't think I could come for a man.

00:19:19.000 I really don't.

00:19:20.000 I don't think it's possible.

00:19:21.000 Man getting free.

00:19:23.000 Man getting free.

00:19:25.000 Oh, a man getting free.

00:19:27.000 Yeah, a man getting free, like the same way of a slave male.

00:19:30.000 I'd be more happy about it.

00:19:31.000 I'd just be clapping.

00:19:33.000 But it's just, look, yeah, it's a controversy.

00:19:35.000 Of course, that's what comedy's about, you know, and I, look, I know you're trying to be funny.

00:19:40.000 It's funny.

00:19:40.000 It's what it is.

00:19:41.000 It's not like you're some fucking politician that says some nutty shit that nobody expected out of nowhere off camera, and you catch him like this is his real beliefs.

00:19:49.000 Like, whoa, we just found out that Artie loves slaves.

00:19:52.000 Like, no, you're a fucking comic.

00:19:54.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:19:55.000 I'd get a slave in my house.

00:19:59.000 It made me angry.

00:20:00.000 And it made me angry.

00:20:02.000 Very angry.

00:20:02.000 It was terrible.

00:20:03.000 It's just so silly.

00:20:04.000 It cost me something.

00:20:05.000 It cost me an appearance on a talk show, which I didn't care about.

00:20:07.000 But still, they took something from me.

00:20:09.000 And that's when they're happy.

00:20:11.000 We got it from you.

00:20:12.000 Boom.

00:20:12.000 Now go fuck off.

00:20:12.000 We win.

00:20:13.000 But they don't.

00:20:14.000 They don't.

00:20:15.000 I hope not.

00:20:15.000 We'll see what happens.

00:20:16.000 You've got a lot of people on your side with that.

00:20:19.000 You've got a lot of people who enjoy that kind of comedy.

00:20:21.000 I always talk about Brian Holtzman.

00:20:23.000 He says ridiculous, cruel shit.

00:20:26.000 But I think it's hilarious because I know him.

00:20:29.000 He's a sweetheart of a guy.

00:20:30.000 But he used to do this joke about Susan Smith.

00:20:33.000 Remember the chick who drowned her kids?

00:20:34.000 He goes...

00:20:36.000 I heard those kids were bad.

00:20:37.000 I heard they sat that close to the TV. They never put away their blocks.

00:20:40.000 Those kids will not be missed.

00:20:41.000 You've got to see him doing it to understand.

00:20:44.000 You can't take it out of context.

00:20:45.000 You've got to see his whole act.

00:20:46.000 It's ridiculous.

00:20:47.000 He says a bunch of really...

00:20:49.000 And then he laughs at himself.

00:20:50.000 He's being funny, and it's an art form.

00:20:53.000 Just like a violent movies in art form.

00:20:55.000 Right.

00:20:55.000 You're not really killing people.

00:20:57.000 Well, just to prove your point, I went to Match.com after I broke up.

00:21:01.000 They gave you a form thing you have to fill out.

00:21:03.000 And you have to be honest in the questions.

00:21:05.000 I can never be honest in those questions.

00:21:06.000 I got a girl who looks like she's an ISIS if I did that.

00:21:09.000 So I... I got to the part where I said, what's the worst thing you've ever done?

00:21:14.000 And I actually put that down to see what kind of reaction I got.

00:21:18.000 One time I had sex with a retarded girl, and to get rid of her, I put her on a bus.

00:21:25.000 How did that work?

00:21:26.000 Well, I don't know.

00:21:27.000 I haven't seen her since.

00:21:28.000 No, I mean, it's for Match.com.

00:21:30.000 Did you put that on?

00:21:31.000 I didn't get the date.

00:21:37.000 So, you know, I'm not even going to get into that either.

00:21:40.000 That's shocking.

00:21:40.000 I bet you people didn't think it was really you.

00:21:42.000 I bet they didn't want to get catfished.

00:21:44.000 Who would they think it is?

00:21:45.000 Someone pretending to be you, just writing retarded shit.

00:21:49.000 They probably didn't think it was you.

00:21:50.000 That's the only reason why it didn't work.

00:21:51.000 Now that people know it's you, check that page later.

00:21:54.000 I don't have time.

00:21:58.000 So, you like doing this?

00:22:00.000 You just don't like the hassle that comes with, like, organizing it?

00:22:04.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:22:04.000 I'm not an organizer.

00:22:05.000 I'm not a preparer.

00:22:07.000 I'm not a preparer.

00:22:08.000 So you just want to show up and be Artie Lang?

00:22:10.000 Yeah, they're letting me do that, pretty much, but, you know, who cares about that?

00:22:15.000 People gotta start listening, otherwise they'll just do something else.

00:22:18.000 Thank God I got my stand-up, and, you know...

00:22:20.000 Well, you don't think people listen to your podcast?

00:22:22.000 Like, what do you mean?

00:22:23.000 Well, I mean, there's not a ton of people listening to it, no.

00:22:26.000 Well...

00:22:27.000 You're doing this subscription-based thing, right?

00:22:30.000 Yeah.

00:22:30.000 But I can't get sponsors.

00:22:32.000 I called people.

00:22:33.000 What do you mean you can't get sponsors?

00:22:34.000 Oh, because I said a couple of things.

00:22:36.000 Listen.

00:22:38.000 Just say you're sorry.

00:22:39.000 Say you're sorry, Uncle Hardy.

00:22:40.000 I refuse!

00:22:42.000 Whoa, Jesus.

00:22:44.000 I think you can get sponsors.

00:22:45.000 I don't think there's a fucking question in the world that you could get sponsors.

00:22:49.000 The only offer I had was sphincterine, the ass mental.

00:22:52.000 It's an ass mint?

00:22:53.000 Yeah, you put it in your ass before someone eats it out.

00:22:57.000 Yeah, that might kill people.

00:22:58.000 You gotta be careful about that.

00:22:59.000 That stuff, that's like give you toxic shock of the asshole or something.

00:23:02.000 Would you like them?

00:23:06.000 I don't know.

00:23:06.000 Listen, I appreciate it, buddy.

00:23:08.000 You're a good man.

00:23:09.000 You're a good friend.

00:23:11.000 I've just given up.

00:23:12.000 Don't give up.

00:23:13.000 I mean, I'm not giving up.

00:23:14.000 I just don't care.

00:23:15.000 Look at me.

00:23:15.000 This is what I look like.

00:23:16.000 I don't care.

00:23:17.000 Yeah, but you do care enough.

00:23:18.000 You care enough to be funny.

00:23:19.000 You care enough to make those funny tweets.

00:23:21.000 No, I gotta keep...

00:23:22.000 Don't make me, you son of a bitch.

00:23:23.000 No, I gotta make money for my mother!

00:23:26.000 Is that what you're doing?

00:23:28.000 Yeah!

00:23:28.000 My mother, she'll be on welfare if it wasn't for me.

00:23:31.000 This is crazy.

00:23:33.000 I gotta get out of this.

00:23:34.000 Wow.

00:23:35.000 Not this.

00:23:35.000 I'll stay here.

00:23:36.000 You mean comedy.

00:23:38.000 Something, man.

00:23:38.000 You mean doing comedy or podcasting?

00:23:41.000 I could do podcasting.

00:23:43.000 You know, I don't know.

00:23:43.000 You could do podcasting.

00:23:45.000 I do it.

00:23:46.000 But you keep going.

00:23:47.000 Yeah.

00:23:48.000 If someone sets it up for you and makes it nice.

00:23:50.000 I don't know.

00:23:51.000 I have it set up, but it's not in a studio.

00:23:54.000 I think what a lot of people are doing wrong is they're trying to get paid from podcasting right off the bat.

00:23:59.000 I think it's kind of hard to do that.

00:24:01.000 I know Anthony's been pretty successful, Anthony Cumia.

00:24:04.000 He's got a very, very devoted following already on his...

00:24:08.000 He had that video podcast set up.

00:24:10.000 Right.

00:24:10.000 Before we ever did it, that's one of the reasons why I wanted to do this.

00:24:13.000 Anthony has a fucking full studio in his basement with a green screen.

00:24:16.000 Wow!

00:24:17.000 He's had that since, like, 2006 or something fucking crazy like that.

00:24:21.000 He's always experimented online.

00:24:23.000 I mean, he's just kind of a tech genius.

00:24:24.000 Right, right, right.

00:24:26.000 See, I'm not, though.

00:24:26.000 So he built up this following, and then he started having people do subscriptions when he left Opie and Anthony.

00:24:33.000 But I think that if you start off, look, I've listened to some of your podcasts.

00:24:36.000 They're hilarious.

00:24:37.000 You're a funny fucking dude, man, always.

00:24:39.000 Thank you.

00:24:39.000 You're always funny.

00:24:40.000 I even enjoyed you on that Nick DiPaolo show where you couldn't swear.

00:24:44.000 No, that was fun.

00:24:45.000 It was fun working with Nick.

00:24:48.000 You know, we'll see what happens.

00:24:49.000 I'm tired.

00:24:50.000 I've been through a lot of shit.

00:24:52.000 We need to pump you up.

00:24:52.000 We need to get you in shape, my friend.

00:24:54.000 Orange juice, fresh squeezed, celery, kale.

00:24:57.000 Are you ticklish?

00:24:57.000 I tried a Nutribullet.

00:24:59.000 I put all that kale and onion rings and stuff in it.

00:25:02.000 Every time I took a dump, it sounded like James Caan getting shot in the Godfather.

00:25:11.000 And that includes the kick at the end.

00:25:13.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

00:25:15.000 I'll figure it out, man.

00:25:16.000 I'll let you know.

00:25:17.000 You'll be fine.

00:25:17.000 What do you want to do, Tom?

00:25:19.000 What are we going to do?

00:25:19.000 Go bike riding a mark?

00:25:21.000 No, you don't have to do that.

00:25:22.000 You don't have to go bike riding.

00:25:23.000 Well, what do you want to do?

00:25:24.000 It's just you need to take it slow.

00:25:26.000 I like talking to you and hanging, but I don't want to do like an elliptical machine with you.

00:25:30.000 Well, you know what you need to do?

00:25:31.000 You just need to get motivated.

00:25:33.000 If you're not in a relationship, that's what you need is a super hot personal trainer to motivate you.

00:25:39.000 You got some of those numbers?

00:25:40.000 Oh, they're all over Los Angeles.

00:25:41.000 Well, then give me a couple!

00:25:43.000 I don't know any.

00:25:44.000 I'll find some for you online.

00:25:45.000 We'll find some.

00:25:46.000 We're going to use the power of the internet to find Artie Lang, a beautiful fitness trainer, who's going to motivate him.

00:25:51.000 To get in shape, you're just going to see her just glistening in the sun telling you, come on, Artie, up the hill.

00:25:56.000 Can I pick what color?

00:25:57.000 Well, yeah.

00:25:58.000 You want a black check or a white check?

00:26:00.000 Chinese?

00:26:00.000 I'd like a nice...

00:26:02.000 Taiwan.

00:26:02.000 I'd like a nice mocha mulatto type.

00:26:05.000 I don't think you're allowed to say mulatto anymore.

00:26:06.000 I think they took that from us.

00:26:07.000 Well, I'm going to win the mulatto right now.

00:26:17.000 See, this is why you should do a podcast.

00:26:20.000 How could you not do a podcast?

00:26:22.000 It's a blast.

00:26:22.000 You know what?

00:26:23.000 I'm going to text you about this.

00:26:25.000 I need some advice.

00:26:27.000 In a couple minutes of your time, I need some advice.

00:26:29.000 I think we could get you a 10-time increase in how many people are listening to it right now.

00:26:34.000 Well, no, it's not even about that.

00:26:35.000 It's not about my health.

00:26:36.000 Oh, your health, too.

00:26:37.000 There are a lot of people listening.

00:26:38.000 Thank God I need more, but my health is what I'm talking about.

00:26:41.000 Well, it's, you know, it's real simple.

00:26:45.000 I mean, It's not simple psychologically, and it's not simple emotionally.

00:26:50.000 That's the hard part.

00:26:51.000 But it's real simple.

00:26:52.000 Eat really healthy foods, your body will get leaner, you'll lose weight.

00:26:56.000 It's really that simple.

00:26:57.000 That should be all you need.

00:26:58.000 So how the fuck am I gonna do that?

00:26:59.000 It's hard to do.

00:27:00.000 It's hard to do.

00:27:01.000 It's hard to avoid.

00:27:01.000 You came in with a cheeseburger.

00:27:03.000 I do.

00:27:04.000 Did I? Yeah.

00:27:06.000 You came in with a cheeseburger.

00:27:07.000 You were joking about it being gluten-free.

00:27:11.000 There's something wrong with that.

00:27:13.000 I eat them all the time, man.

00:27:14.000 I eat cheeseburgers all the time.

00:27:15.000 I eat two of them the other day.

00:27:17.000 I was at a fucking food truck in Portland, and it was so good.

00:27:20.000 I had a Thai bacon cheeseburger.

00:27:22.000 God damn, it was good.

00:27:23.000 That sounds unbelievable.

00:27:25.000 Oh, it was insane.

00:27:25.000 It had grilled jalapenos in it, and that peanut Thai sauce, like satay sauce, whatever it is.

00:27:31.000 That sounds fucking awesome.

00:27:32.000 Shit it was so good.

00:27:33.000 I had to go back and have another one is a place called the brunch box in Portland was a little food trucks Get it and they give it to us for free.

00:27:39.000 We wouldn't even take our money.

00:27:41.000 So Good for you my man.

00:27:43.000 There's nothing like good street food God damn.

00:27:45.000 It was good.

00:27:46.000 Yeah, there's nothing wrong with a little bit of that every now and then But what you need to do is just figure out a way to discipline yourself, but I don't see that happening Of course, it's a long shot, but I'd like your support.

00:27:58.000 It's a long shot, and I'll just accept you as putting one down, like, yeah, I think Artie's gonna do it.

00:28:03.000 You could definitely do it.

00:28:04.000 Well, before you were being sarcastic.

00:28:06.000 No, you could do it, but you keep saying, like, ah, what am I gonna do?

00:28:09.000 How's that gonna happen?

00:28:10.000 Like, you gotta, like, decide that you're gonna make some sort of a gigantic change, but that's fucking very difficult to do.

00:28:16.000 You know they say one day at a time?

00:28:18.000 That's really bullshit.

00:28:19.000 Because it's every 10 seconds at a time.

00:28:21.000 Well, you're right.

00:28:22.000 That's the reality.

00:28:22.000 The timing, too, of what I've had to stop in the last six months is literally, it's not a short list.

00:28:27.000 It's booze, it's heroin, it's coke, it's pills, it's sugar, it's gluten, it's shakes, don't have a cherry.

00:28:35.000 If you have an orange, peel it this way.

00:28:37.000 And if you drink water, only drink it cold.

00:28:39.000 All right.

00:28:40.000 How the fuck am I going to live?

00:28:42.000 Everything I know to do, I can't do anymore.

00:28:46.000 How much of the life pleasure that you get out of life revolves around food?

00:28:53.000 It's just below the heroin pleasure.

00:28:56.000 Wow!

00:28:58.000 Now food is a sensuous thing, man.

00:29:01.000 It's a sensuous thing.

00:29:02.000 It is.

00:29:03.000 And it's very difficult.

00:29:05.000 Very difficult to get off of that.

00:29:07.000 Especially really good food.

00:29:09.000 I love a nice meal.

00:29:12.000 Oh, who doesn't?

00:29:13.000 Who doesn't?

00:29:14.000 But what you can do, if you really want to restructure the way the whole thing works, is just earn those meals.

00:29:21.000 And it means even more when you get them.

00:29:23.000 I do.

00:29:23.000 I go to work, I make money, and I pay for them.

00:29:25.000 Yeah, of course you do.

00:29:25.000 But I mean, earn them psychologically by trying to take care of your body, those other meals.

00:29:29.000 Reward myself.

00:29:31.000 Yeah, like give yourself like five, six days of eating good.

00:29:34.000 One day you're allowed to go off like a rocket.

00:29:37.000 One day where it's just fucking linguine with white sauce and fucking lasagna and steaks and milkshakes and whatever the fuck you want.

00:29:46.000 One day.

00:29:47.000 But all the other days, really healthy, like real foods.

00:29:51.000 There's six days healthy, one not.

00:29:54.000 Yeah, six days, one healthy, one not.

00:29:56.000 If you just did that, you'd have a radical change.

00:29:58.000 And cut out soda.

00:29:59.000 If you're going to have to drink soda, if you really have to, it sounds gross because diet soda has aspartame, which probably gives you brain cancer.

00:30:06.000 But it will definitely be better.

00:30:08.000 This story gets better and better.

00:30:10.000 It will definitely be better and allegedly gives you brain cancer.

00:30:12.000 Well, I appreciate that joke.

00:30:13.000 I'm going to try.

00:30:14.000 Believe me, you think I'm bullshit.

00:30:15.000 I'm going to try to live like that.

00:30:16.000 I have to.

00:30:17.000 I have to, otherwise I'm not going to be around.

00:30:19.000 Yeah, listen, you're too talented to let slip away.

00:30:21.000 What we need is just someone to come along, some professional to come along and deal with that aspect of your life.

00:30:27.000 You know who did it?

00:30:28.000 Kevin James.

00:30:29.000 Kevin James hired a professional chef and some sort of Whole Foods.

00:30:35.000 This woman, she specialized in green vegetable shakes and this crazy diet.

00:30:41.000 I forget what the diet was.

00:30:42.000 But she was like, Kevin hired her.

00:30:44.000 And this woman would cook for him every day.

00:30:46.000 She would cook all these really lean, vegetable-based diets.

00:30:50.000 This fucking dude lost 70 pounds.

00:30:52.000 He's where I got the kale shakes idea from.

00:30:54.000 When he hired her, he was what, year six of King of Queens?

00:31:00.000 I think he had retired.

00:31:02.000 So someone loaning me this money to hire the queen of vegetables?

00:31:08.000 He's just rolling in cash like this year.

00:31:10.000 He's just got his arms open and just rolls around his bed.

00:31:12.000 That's right, man.

00:31:14.000 Yeah, he has like a shoot he pulls on the top of his bed and money comes out of the ceiling.

00:31:18.000 And he bathes in it.

00:31:20.000 Like that scene, Indecent Proposal with Demi Moore and the cash on the bed.

00:31:24.000 That's me.

00:31:24.000 My friend Chef Elise Lane from Kill Tony, Russell Peters just hired her because he gained a bunch of weight, and all she does is cook him healthy meals so he has it in his house.

00:31:35.000 So when he gets hungry, he's like, I'm going to go to McDonald's.

00:31:36.000 He goes, oh wait, here's a healthy meal that's already made.

00:31:39.000 Wow.

00:31:41.000 Yeah, if you could get someone to do that in Hoboken, I bet you would be able to get someone to do that just based on your podcast and based on the results they think they can get you, how much good that would do them in advertising.

00:31:53.000 Yeah.

00:31:54.000 I mean, could you imagine?

00:31:55.000 Well, we can't do anything.

00:31:56.000 I mean, if you just paid for the food and, you know, their services, like they donate their services so that you can promote them.

00:32:00.000 Yeah.

00:32:01.000 Well, Hoboken's closed this year because it's Sinatra's 100th birthday.

00:32:04.000 You can't do anything in town.

00:32:06.000 Really?

00:32:06.000 Yes, I got to go somewhere else.

00:32:08.000 Wow.

00:32:09.000 The whole place closed down.

00:32:10.000 That's incredible.

00:32:10.000 They just play Sinatra songs.

00:32:12.000 From how long?

00:32:12.000 Really?

00:32:13.000 Up until December, 2050. So the whole year they play Sinatra songs?

00:32:17.000 Pretty much every other night, but then the week he dies, it's going to be insane.

00:32:21.000 Oh my God.

00:32:22.000 I can't believe it's real.

00:32:23.000 Zapplers, you know, pepperoni, schooncheel, supersad, gabagool, fresh mozzarella, wet mozzarella, roasted peppers.

00:32:30.000 Fuck the singing.

00:32:31.000 You go right into the food.

00:32:32.000 Look at you.

00:32:35.000 I'll go to the gym first.

00:32:37.000 I love Frank Sinatra.

00:32:38.000 I had a dog named Frank Sinatra.

00:32:40.000 Did you really?

00:32:41.000 You gotta like Francis.

00:32:44.000 You gotta like the chairman of the board.

00:32:46.000 Yeah, I loved his songs, especially when I was younger.

00:32:48.000 But I didn't know that they had that much of a following for him.

00:32:53.000 You didn't know Sinatra had a following?

00:32:55.000 No, no, no.

00:32:56.000 I mean, like, where they would have, like, a whole year of nothing but Frank Sinatra in the town.

00:33:00.000 Oh, no, especially in Hobo.

00:33:01.000 I mean, it's crazy.

00:33:02.000 That's amazing.

00:33:03.000 I mean, it makes sense.

00:33:04.000 That's where he came from.

00:33:05.000 You know, you'll appreciate this, Joe.

00:33:06.000 Somebody on 60 Minutes or some of the talk show was talking to him in the mid-70s, right?

00:33:10.000 And the interviewer said to Sinatra, Frank, how do you feel when you hear that criminals like Charles Manson say, if they ever break out of prison, they're going to kill people like you, Shirley MacLaine, Dean Martin.

00:33:23.000 And without missing a beat, Sinatra looked at the guy and said, let him out.

00:33:23.000 What do you say to that?

00:33:31.000 He just said, let him out and said nothing.

00:33:33.000 And the guy got scared.

00:33:34.000 He went, all right, let him out.

00:33:36.000 Basically, let him out.

00:33:38.000 I'll kill him.

00:33:40.000 He wasn't bullshitting either.

00:33:40.000 Wow.

00:33:42.000 I don't think so.

00:33:44.000 I mean, I wouldn't find that out.

00:33:47.000 You know how many people Sinatra must have known?

00:33:49.000 I mean, he was the god of the Italian world.

00:33:53.000 I live around a block from where he grew up.

00:33:55.000 It's nuts.

00:33:55.000 Really?

00:33:56.000 Who's got his house?

00:33:57.000 Who owns his house?

00:33:58.000 Well, it's an empty lot.

00:33:59.000 Of course, out of respect.

00:34:00.000 It's a social club right next to it that they play poker at.

00:34:04.000 I lost $38,000 every one night.

00:34:04.000 Wow.

00:34:07.000 Are you not allowed to talk about this on the air, like where they play?

00:34:10.000 That was years ago.

00:34:12.000 Oh, they're not there anymore?

00:34:13.000 No.

00:34:14.000 And there's no cop that's going to tell them to stop.

00:34:16.000 That's just that spot.

00:34:17.000 Not that spot, yeah.

00:34:19.000 Wow.

00:34:19.000 You like Hoboken?

00:34:20.000 Love it.

00:34:21.000 You got a beautiful view, right?

00:34:23.000 I got a view.

00:34:23.000 I look at the whole city, yeah.

00:34:25.000 The view of the city from outside the city is actually better than the view inside the city.

00:34:28.000 I agree.

00:34:29.000 It's good to look at the city but not be in it.

00:34:29.000 I agree.

00:34:31.000 I have a friend who lives in Brooklyn, and he's got a high floor, like he's on the 10th or 11th floor, and it's above the river, just looking out across, and you see the bridge to the right.

00:34:42.000 It looks framed.

00:34:43.000 It doesn't even look real.

00:34:44.000 Really?

00:34:45.000 You look out his window, you're like, dude, your view isn't even real.

00:34:47.000 That's the kind of view I have.

00:34:48.000 I got lucky.

00:34:49.000 I have the single best view of Manhattan from the Hudson River side.

00:34:52.000 It's like a painting.

00:34:54.000 To me, there's like three great views in the world.

00:34:56.000 There's a lot.

00:34:57.000 But there's three archetypes.

00:35:00.000 One of them is the nature view.

00:35:02.000 Like mountains to me are number one with that.

00:35:04.000 Like mountains and a lake.

00:35:05.000 You see those two of them together.

00:35:06.000 That to me is like the most spectacular thing to look at.

00:35:08.000 But the other two are two different types of city views.

00:35:11.000 There's the New York one from across the river.

00:35:13.000 When you're looking at it and you realize, like, wow, this is an amazing place.

00:35:17.000 Like, look at the size of this hub of life and humanity.

00:35:20.000 But the weirdest one is above Doheny.

00:35:23.000 A lot of people don't even know about this one.

00:35:25.000 You go into Hollywood, you go into the hills above Doheny, and you're looking down over the city.

00:35:29.000 And when you're looking down over the city, it looks like Blade Runner.

00:35:32.000 I know what you're talking about, yeah.

00:35:33.000 It doesn't look real.

00:35:34.000 I do, though, the Doheny one.

00:35:35.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:35:36.000 My friend Larry used to have a house up there, and it didn't look real.

00:35:36.000 It's nuts.

00:35:40.000 Like, you would look out of his yard, you'd go, oh, Larry.

00:35:42.000 You're such a baller.

00:35:44.000 Yeah, and it's scary.

00:35:45.000 Oh, my God.

00:35:46.000 Scary and, like, alien.

00:35:48.000 Like, you're looking down at a spaceship.

00:35:50.000 Like, it doesn't look like any other view I've ever seen.

00:35:52.000 I've taken photos of it when you're flying in.

00:35:54.000 You kind of sort of get it.

00:35:55.000 But you don't get it like you get it when you're looking out at someone's back porch.

00:35:58.000 Because he had, like, one of those infinity pools.

00:36:00.000 And, like, you would sit, like, by the pool and you'd look out off the balcony.

00:36:03.000 You're like, oh, my God.

00:36:04.000 Look at this fucking view.

00:36:06.000 This is insane.

00:36:07.000 He's, like, living in a science fiction movie.

00:36:09.000 Yeah, but that helps you get up in the morning.

00:36:11.000 It's like, wow, just go into nature.

00:36:13.000 You can't be in a bad mood.

00:36:15.000 It's like art, right?

00:36:15.000 Yeah.

00:36:16.000 It's like you're looking at natural art.

00:36:18.000 Yeah, like me, I look outside, I have Route 3 and Sea Caucus, which is...

00:36:22.000 There's usually snow trouble.

00:36:24.000 Snow trouble.

00:36:25.000 You look at that atmosphere, forget it.

00:36:27.000 You can't be in a bad mood.

00:36:28.000 Yeah.

00:36:29.000 Well, you can, but you're silly.

00:36:31.000 Yeah.

00:36:32.000 I avoid it.

00:36:33.000 And that's saying a lot.

00:36:34.000 You avoid nature?

00:36:35.000 No bad moods.

00:36:37.000 Oh.

00:36:38.000 Do you see yourself becoming a man in the woods someday?

00:36:40.000 No.

00:36:41.000 I would just lay down.

00:36:41.000 Just packing up?

00:36:42.000 Just lay down.

00:36:44.000 I would lay down.

00:36:45.000 I would go, listen, I'm just going to wait to erode.

00:36:47.000 I see a theme here.

00:36:48.000 There's nothing I offer.

00:36:49.000 You need to be motivated because you're obviously very, very funny.

00:36:52.000 I'm motivated.

00:36:53.000 I get up.

00:36:54.000 I go through comedy.

00:36:55.000 I travel.

00:36:56.000 I get a check.

00:36:56.000 I get up.

00:36:56.000 I come back.

00:36:57.000 I mean, what the fuck?

00:36:58.000 I'm not a bump on a log here.

00:37:00.000 No, you're in action.

00:37:02.000 Thank you.

00:37:03.000 You look like you're maybe not enjoying some of the action.

00:37:07.000 But you should be.

00:37:08.000 It's called withdrawals.

00:37:09.000 Is that what it is?

00:37:10.000 Maybe a little.

00:37:11.000 How long does that last for?

00:37:13.000 About 22 days.

00:37:15.000 Now when you go to a doctor, do you get like your blood work done?

00:37:19.000 They check out where your vitamin levels are and all that kind of stuff?

00:37:22.000 Sure, sure, sure.

00:37:23.000 Everything.

00:37:24.000 Because I'm diabetic too.

00:37:25.000 So what do you have to do for that?

00:37:26.000 You got to take a pen, boom.

00:37:28.000 How often do you do that?

00:37:30.000 Once a day.

00:37:30.000 Takes two seconds.

00:37:31.000 Is that a recent thing?

00:37:32.000 25 units.

00:37:33.000 Two years.

00:37:34.000 Last two years?

00:37:35.000 Last two years, I've had to take the insulin.

00:37:37.000 Before that, I just had to take the pills.

00:37:39.000 And is that related to, like, diet?

00:37:41.000 Is there a way to turn it around?

00:37:42.000 Very much so.

00:37:42.000 It's very much related.

00:37:43.000 It's almost hereditary and diet are the two things, yeah.

00:37:49.000 Damn, dude.

00:37:50.000 Well, I can see how that would weigh you down.

00:37:52.000 I can see how that would weigh you down.

00:37:54.000 That would fuck with you and make you feel like, you know...

00:37:56.000 The pen thing isn't bad.

00:37:57.000 But, I mean, just the fact that you've got diabetes.

00:38:00.000 I mean, that's a mindfuck.

00:38:01.000 I'd forgotten about it for a couple of days, but yeah, you're right.

00:38:08.000 Nah, I'll be alright, man.

00:38:09.000 I hope you'll be alright.

00:38:10.000 I'll be good.

00:38:11.000 I'm not going nowhere.

00:38:12.000 I don't want you to.

00:38:14.000 I know you don't.

00:38:16.000 I want you to like podcasting, too, because I got excited when you were doing it.

00:38:19.000 I like it a lot.

00:38:21.000 I like it about as much as I like anything else.

00:38:23.000 So everything's kind of...

00:38:26.000 Well, where is that coming from?

00:38:27.000 I didn't say that.

00:38:28.000 Well, you said you like it as much as anything else, but you said before that you didn't like it.

00:38:31.000 Maybe there's some things that go, hey!

00:38:33.000 You're just too good at it, man.

00:38:34.000 You're too funny.

00:38:35.000 You cannot do it.

00:38:37.000 Do you think it's like a defense mechanism?

00:38:39.000 I don't know, probably.

00:38:41.000 I'm pretty good at that.

00:38:42.000 I'm pretty good at spot-nosed.

00:38:43.000 Listen, if I've noticed nothing else in life, it's that.

00:38:47.000 Yeah.

00:38:47.000 That Joe Rogan is very perceptive when it comes to...

00:38:52.000 Getting a laser and getting right to the heart of a comedian.

00:38:55.000 And getting to your ability to play pool.

00:38:57.000 As soon as you start stroking the ball, I said, look at this motherfucker.

00:39:00.000 You too!

00:39:01.000 You're a great shooter too!

00:39:02.000 Yeah, but I have a table here.

00:39:04.000 I'll tell you one thing that is a little impressive about that.

00:39:07.000 I have not shot pool in eight months.

00:39:09.000 Easy.

00:39:10.000 I haven't picked up stick.

00:39:11.000 Well, it makes sense because it took you a couple shots to get loose.

00:39:14.000 Well, here comes the negativity.

00:39:17.000 No, it's not negative at all.

00:39:17.000 Well, you said it was great shooting and all of a sudden...

00:39:20.000 Listen, I suck at first, too.

00:39:21.000 When Regan and I first played...

00:39:22.000 You didn't, though.

00:39:23.000 You just kept playing.

00:39:24.000 You walked in after I'd already won it out.

00:39:26.000 Oh, okay.

00:39:27.000 Well, that's nice of you to admit.

00:39:28.000 No, I was knocking ball in the rail.

00:39:30.000 I'm sure.

00:39:31.000 It takes a while to loosen the arm up, you know?

00:39:31.000 I couldn't get online.

00:39:33.000 I'm sure.

00:39:34.000 Especially if you haven't played in eight months.

00:39:35.000 I haven't played in two days.

00:39:36.000 Yeah.

00:39:37.000 In one week I won 22 G's hustling nine ball.

00:39:37.000 So there you go.

00:39:40.000 Jesus.

00:39:41.000 Greatest week of my life.

00:39:42.000 Where was this?

00:39:43.000 It was a place.

00:39:45.000 A place.

00:39:48.000 But I was 19. Oh my God.

00:39:50.000 Me and my buddy Mike set this other kid up.

00:39:53.000 Beat him every time.

00:39:54.000 Oh, so you had a mark.

00:39:56.000 Here's what would happen.

00:39:57.000 Me and Deidre would pretend we didn't know each other.

00:39:59.000 We'd get in a game with a third guy.

00:40:01.000 We don't know each other.

00:40:01.000 Okay?

00:40:02.000 Let's play three-way, whatever.

00:40:02.000 We're not friends.

00:40:03.000 It's like a movie.

00:40:04.000 20 bucks on a 5, $50 on a 9, okay?

00:40:08.000 I made sure I went before Deej.

00:40:11.000 No, Deej made sure he went before me.

00:40:13.000 So every time Deej would go, he'd miss on purpose, but set me up for a perfect shot.

00:40:17.000 First on a 5, then on a 9. That's hilarious.

00:40:21.000 So you guys just kept robbing this one dude.

00:40:23.000 Yeah, we won about 11 games in a row.

00:40:25.000 Wow.

00:40:26.000 Poor bastard.

00:40:28.000 I'm not proud of it.

00:40:29.000 Man!

00:40:31.000 Now, the guy seemed like a bit of an asshole, but we thought, my God, we got the greatest fucking system of all time!

00:40:36.000 And then there was a couple times he would set me up and I'd miss, and he'd look at me like, what the fuck are you doing?

00:40:41.000 Then one guy, Tommy, I'll never forget this, we call him Red Hair Tommy, because he had, you know, red hair.

00:40:45.000 And he had like a big, big, curly red hair, and Red Hair Tommy found out what we were doing.

00:40:50.000 He's supposed to make a guy like, you know what, you motherfuckers know each other?

00:40:53.000 He got his brother.

00:40:54.000 His brother came back with a snowblower.

00:40:56.000 He tried to run us over with a fucking snowblower and pool cues.

00:41:00.000 He threw me over the table.

00:41:01.000 But my one buddy's friend was a cop.

00:41:04.000 And he just flashed the guy's best.

00:41:07.000 The guy got really scared.

00:41:09.000 Ah, those days were fun.

00:41:13.000 When I first started making money, I got a development deal with Disney, and part of the money I used to back my friend Johnny B. My friend Johnny B was like a professional level pool player.

00:41:23.000 Like a hair off of the pro speed.

00:41:26.000 No kidding.

00:41:26.000 Yeah, but he could win tournaments.

00:41:28.000 He would win tournaments.

00:41:29.000 He could beat a lot of guys.

00:41:30.000 Like the average person that would play him, he'd beat the average guy.

00:41:33.000 He couldn't beat like, it's very rare that he'd ever beat like a real top pro, but he'd beat some like lower level pros.

00:41:39.000 He was a really good pool player, but he was a slick motherfucker.

00:41:42.000 Right.

00:41:42.000 And I would take them on the road.

00:41:43.000 We would go all around, like, we would go to Jersey, we would go to West End Billiards, we were talking about that place.

00:41:48.000 I know West End, yeah.

00:41:49.000 I'd put them in the tournament, we'd see if we could get a game, and then we'd play at Executive Billiards in Chelsea.

00:41:54.000 Chelsea, which was downtown, which was 24 hours.

00:41:56.000 I know exactly what you're talking about.

00:41:57.000 You know, Chelsea Billiards?

00:41:58.000 Yeah, sure.

00:41:59.000 I do, yeah.

00:42:00.000 Yeah, so that was my addiction phase.

00:42:02.000 Like, I was badly, badly addicted.

00:42:04.000 I was playing eight hours a day for, like, a bunch of years.

00:42:05.000 I went through a good, long phase with Poole, too.

00:42:08.000 Absolutely.

00:42:09.000 It's so fun.

00:42:10.000 It's so fun.

00:42:11.000 It's a blast.

00:42:11.000 It's a real sort of hand-eye coordination, yet slow.

00:42:15.000 Like, the best thing about the Hustler is they can play for 18 hours, and Gleason misses a shot, and he just looks over at the shade and says, Would you cut out that light?!

00:42:25.000 It's kind of depressing, but you're like a dark, easy pang, and then you leave, you know?

00:42:30.000 Yeah, there are guys who do play those kind of long 24, 38-hour gambling sessions, and that shit does happen.

00:42:35.000 I don't know that I have that in me.

00:42:37.000 No.

00:42:37.000 I like a few hours of pool.

00:42:39.000 Those are brutal.

00:42:40.000 That's a young man's game, and it's fucking super unhealthy, like to stay up that late, trying to concentrate and drinking coffee.

00:42:46.000 Well, that depends.

00:42:47.000 See, the great thing about The Hustler is the whole premise was Gleason could shoot no matter how much booze he had.

00:42:52.000 He handled his booze.

00:42:53.000 Where's Paul Newman?

00:42:53.000 That was his skill.

00:42:57.000 That's George C. Scott.

00:42:59.000 I don't handle his booze.

00:43:01.000 Picture those three guys in a movie.

00:43:02.000 How could that be bad?

00:43:03.000 Could that be bad?

00:43:06.000 And Piper Laurie, too.

00:43:07.000 Yeah, she was cute back then.

00:43:09.000 George C. Scott.

00:43:09.000 Oh, yeah.

00:43:11.000 You owe me money, Terry!

00:43:13.000 That's a great fucking movie.

00:43:15.000 Those places just were so interesting.

00:43:17.000 That was what I got addicted to.

00:43:19.000 It's where all the people that didn't follow the rules went.

00:43:21.000 Well, that was Ames Billiards, you know.

00:43:23.000 That was a legendary place on 14th Street.

00:43:26.000 That shot closed in the mid-70s.

00:43:29.000 But Ames was where, you know, Namath played there.

00:43:31.000 Gleason.

00:43:32.000 I'd love to have seen that if it stuck around, but they knocked it down.

00:43:36.000 But Ames was where they shot it.

00:43:38.000 Do you know at the turn of the century in the 1900s, there was something like a thousand pool halls in New York City?

00:43:43.000 Wow.

00:43:44.000 Wow.

00:43:45.000 Yeah, it was a thing to do, man.

00:43:47.000 Before video and all that shit, you shot a game in the pool.

00:43:49.000 That's what they did.

00:43:50.000 I mean, people, it's lost favor.

00:43:52.000 People don't understand when video games came along and other games of leisure.

00:43:56.000 It's not the same thing, because it's really not, on a lot of levels, human contact.

00:44:01.000 It's not even indirectly.

00:44:03.000 At least pool is indirectly.

00:44:05.000 It's not even close to human contact.

00:44:07.000 As a matter of fact, it's light years away from it.

00:44:10.000 You know what the pool players blame it on a lot?

00:44:12.000 They blame it on casinos, like card casinos opening up.

00:44:16.000 Because then people who loved to gamble on things, they didn't have to execute.

00:44:21.000 They're like, if you're playing cards, you have to pick the right cards, you have to make the right choices, but you don't have to physically execute, like stroking the ball and missing a shot.

00:44:28.000 All that pressure and nerves fucks with some people, so they don't like it.

00:44:31.000 And they're like, that's what killed the pool game.

00:44:33.000 The pressure and nerves?

00:44:35.000 Pressure and nerves that people didn't want to face up to.

00:44:37.000 There are a lot of them, though.

00:44:38.000 There are a lot of them.

00:44:39.000 Yeah, so, like, attendance in pool halls dropped down, and attendance in these card places, these guys, they didn't have to gamble on pool anymore.

00:44:45.000 Now they can go play legal cards.

00:44:48.000 And then, of course, that cuts into the pool business.

00:44:50.000 Yeah.

00:44:53.000 It's something about watching a guy shoot a game at a pool.

00:44:55.000 Like, just dancing around a table, keeping the stick on there, looking around, looking at the angle, bam, bam, bam, you know.

00:45:02.000 One of my good friends is this guy, Max Eberle.

00:45:04.000 Max Eberle is one of the best players in the world.

00:45:06.000 And I play with him all the time.

00:45:08.000 It's always frustrating.

00:45:09.000 But just watching him, I can just pick up little slight things that he does.

00:45:12.000 Just watching him move.

00:45:13.000 Like, he always hits the ball at the right speed.

00:45:16.000 He's always dead on the next ball with the perfect angle.

00:45:19.000 It's artwork.

00:45:20.000 And what angles you put on it.

00:45:21.000 Yeah, it's artwork.

00:45:22.000 You watch a guy who's just so good at that game, then you appreciate it.

00:45:25.000 But I think it's one of those art forms that's only appreciated by people who practice it.

00:45:29.000 Right.

00:45:29.000 Well, it's like rap.

00:45:31.000 I didn't think rap music was a talent until I heard someone who couldn't rap.

00:45:36.000 I said, okay, the snoot must be good.

00:45:39.000 But it's not on the level of pool.

00:45:42.000 I mean, pool is a true sort of, you know, a less sophisticated version of chess.

00:45:47.000 You know, it's American chess in a lot of ways.

00:45:50.000 And it's perfect for a bar.

00:45:52.000 It's perfect for young guys to get together and bond on.

00:45:54.000 It's a setup perfectly game, and you get to use your hand-eye coordination.

00:45:58.000 It's my favorite in the world.

00:46:00.000 I love it.

00:46:01.000 I love it too.

00:46:02.000 I wish it would...

00:46:03.000 We need to make a comeback, Artie.

00:46:05.000 Come back and shoot.

00:46:05.000 And the next time we'll shoot some pool on TV or something.

00:46:07.000 I'm saying we need to...

00:46:08.000 Yeah, we need to make it and have a comeback.

00:46:10.000 Why don't we have a tournament?

00:46:11.000 Let's do it.

00:46:12.000 Joe, don't even fuck with me.

00:46:14.000 I love it.

00:46:14.000 I'm not fucking with you.

00:46:15.000 I know you will.

00:46:17.000 I would love it.

00:46:18.000 It'd be fun.

00:46:19.000 Look who I'm talking to.

00:46:20.000 Yeah, all right, well, I'm in!

00:46:22.000 You absolutely let me know when I will play in the pool.

00:46:24.000 Joe, you want to call it Rogan's pool tournament?

00:46:26.000 No, let's come and we'll figure out how to do it.

00:46:28.000 We'll figure out how to do it, and we can get some other comics to play, like Fitzsimmons plays, Dom Arreira plays.

00:46:33.000 Yeah, I know the pilot shoot's a pretty good game of pool.

00:46:36.000 Yeah, sure, yeah.

00:46:36.000 Does he?

00:46:37.000 He didn't tell me.

00:46:37.000 I didn't know.

00:46:38.000 He held it back when he was here.

00:46:40.000 Janine Garofalo is great.

00:46:40.000 He didn't talk about it.

00:46:42.000 I heard.

00:46:43.000 Really?

00:46:43.000 But I heard she...

00:46:44.000 Is it true how she gets rid of the ball?

00:46:46.000 What is she...

00:46:47.000 What the f- She shoots it like one of those Thai ladies.

00:46:52.000 Those things that Doug Stanhope talks about.

00:46:55.000 A Kong ball trick.

00:46:56.000 Can you imagine if that was the handicap?

00:46:58.000 You know, people are always making crazy bets.

00:46:59.000 Like, you know, you have to shoot every shot with the plastic bridge.

00:47:02.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:47:03.000 You know, what if it was like, you can play, but you have to shoot it with your pussy.

00:47:07.000 Stuff that ball out there and launch it.

00:47:09.000 That's called America.

00:47:11.000 There's a woman out there somewhere in the world that can knock, pull balls in with her pussy.

00:47:15.000 For sure.

00:47:16.000 Right?

00:47:17.000 Her name is Mrs. Lang.

00:47:19.000 I'd like that.

00:47:20.000 There must be.

00:47:21.000 Right?

00:47:22.000 Don't you think?

00:47:22.000 I mean, someone's figured that out.

00:47:24.000 This has to be a genre of porn.

00:47:26.000 I guess.

00:47:26.000 There's probably a thousand videos dedicated to, like, billiards coming out of a girl's vagina.

00:47:30.000 I hope so.

00:47:31.000 We can only hope that happens.

00:47:33.000 But by the time you think of something like that, for sure that's already been done.

00:47:36.000 I mean, they think of the most depraved shit in porn these days.

00:47:39.000 I would imagine they'd be playing pool with pool balls coming out of a girl's vagina.

00:47:42.000 I don't know.

00:47:43.000 That's kind of rough.

00:47:45.000 Maybe they're smaller balls, like maybe snooker.

00:47:48.000 Snooker, as my English friends would say.

00:47:49.000 That's an interesting one.

00:47:51.000 That might not be done yet.

00:47:52.000 Yeah, have you ever watched a game of snooker?

00:47:55.000 Yeah, sure, I've been in them.

00:47:57.000 You've played snooker?

00:47:58.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:47:59.000 Note how I'm saying it correctly.

00:48:00.000 Very difficult.

00:48:02.000 Very difficult.

00:48:04.000 Well, those guys become pool players, and they always do really well, almost right away.

00:48:08.000 But no pool players go over to snooker and start winning big-time tournaments.

00:48:13.000 They've had some snooker players from Europe come over and clean up, win the World Ten Ball Championships, Tony Drago.

00:48:21.000 Killer snooker player.

00:48:23.000 Yeah.

00:48:24.000 I'd like to watch a whole game, but it gets a little boring without the pockets.

00:48:28.000 I really am excited about Pacquiao and Mayweather, though.

00:48:32.000 It's the first big boxing match.

00:48:33.000 I just like boxing so much.

00:48:35.000 It's a fascinating fight.

00:48:36.000 Yeah, I can't wait.

00:48:37.000 I would wonder, you know, it's really interesting to see what strategy Pacquiao employs, like whether he just goes at Mayweather the way he goes at everybody else.

00:48:46.000 Just fast, a lot of movement, a lot of rapid combinations, a lot of angles.

00:48:50.000 Right, right.

00:48:51.000 You know him and Freddie Roach have been prepared.

00:48:52.000 I've been preparing for this guy forever.

00:48:54.000 They're both going to be prepared.

00:48:56.000 I like Mayweather's a little bigger, and I think he wants it more, and I think he's quicker.

00:48:59.000 I think Mayweather's quicker than Pacquiao.

00:49:01.000 Well, he's very clever.

00:49:03.000 It's very, very hard to get to.

00:49:04.000 Yeah, you know how to play head games, especially in this country.

00:49:06.000 What do you show me?

00:49:07.000 I found this woman shoots a pool ball out of her vagina and hits the eight ball into the corner pocket, so we can't show the people home.

00:49:14.000 Don't play it.

00:49:14.000 Oh, that's a chip from my movie.

00:49:15.000 Okay.

00:49:16.000 It's real quick.

00:49:16.000 You stream will get upset at us.

00:49:18.000 I knew it was gonna happen.

00:49:19.000 Yeah, here we go.

00:49:20.000 And it's coming out.

00:49:21.000 Oh, good lord.

00:49:22.000 Well, see?

00:49:23.000 There you go.

00:49:24.000 That's the pitching machine from my movie.

00:49:27.000 I love the fact that that's real.

00:49:29.000 You know, we were right.

00:49:29.000 Yeah.

00:49:30.000 Absolutely.

00:49:31.000 It's easy to figure out.

00:49:32.000 You alright?

00:49:33.000 I'm stretching.

00:49:34.000 You want this chair instead, by the way?

00:49:35.000 This chair's way more comfortable.

00:49:36.000 You don't like that chair?

00:49:37.000 Is that what it is?

00:49:38.000 It's ergonomic.

00:49:38.000 I'm fine.

00:49:39.000 I'm stretching.

00:49:41.000 Oh, that feels good.

00:49:43.000 Okay.

00:49:47.000 How do people sign up for your podcast?

00:49:50.000 Artiequitter.com.

00:49:51.000 One word.

00:49:51.000 A-R-T-I-E. Quitter.

00:49:53.000 And how many times...

00:49:54.000 This is you guys right here.

00:49:55.000 How many times do you guys do it a week?

00:49:57.000 Four.

00:49:58.000 Oh, really?

00:49:58.000 Monday through Thursday, yeah.

00:50:00.000 And there's a special code.

00:50:01.000 If you punch in the code, you get a month of the podcast for free.

00:50:05.000 Unless, of course, you know an eight-year-old who would get on YouTube and you can get it for nothing all the time.

00:50:10.000 Nothing all the time?

00:50:11.000 Here's the code to get the free month.

00:50:11.000 What is this?

00:50:13.000 It's...

00:50:16.000 Atlantic 14?

00:50:17.000 Is that it?

00:50:18.000 Atlantic 14?

00:50:19.000 Atlantic 14. Okay, for a free month of Artie's podcast, go to Atlantic 14. And how much does it cost a month?

00:50:27.000 $6.99.

00:50:28.000 $6.95.

00:50:29.000 Well, I guarantee you're going to get people to subscribe, but I guarantee you would also get a shitload of people to listen to you online, just if it was free, and then you just get an ad for it.

00:50:37.000 You just need to be connected with the right people.

00:50:40.000 Alright.

00:50:41.000 Why $6.95 and not $7?

00:50:43.000 Why not?

00:50:44.000 It sounds better.

00:50:45.000 It's like movies.

00:50:45.000 I don't know.

00:50:46.000 I didn't come up with any of this shit.

00:50:48.000 Yeah.

00:50:48.000 I know.

00:50:49.000 These uneven numbers for trickery to make you think it's not seven bucks.

00:50:49.000 That is a weird thing.

00:50:52.000 Because it doesn't sound like seven.

00:50:54.000 Like, oh, well, it's not seven.

00:50:54.000 You fool people.

00:50:56.000 It's crazy.

00:50:58.000 Who's in charge of picking your number?

00:51:00.000 Who picked that number?

00:51:01.000 I don't know.

00:51:01.000 Some guy.

00:51:02.000 I hired a couple of guys.

00:51:03.000 And he's like, I'm going to fool them all.

00:51:05.000 They never said this trick before.

00:51:07.000 He said to me, you want a $6.95?

00:51:08.000 I'm like, yeah, that's fine.

00:51:09.000 Whatever.

00:51:10.000 Oh, it's one of those situations.

00:51:11.000 Yeah.

00:51:12.000 I'd like to see some test studies where they actually got like 200 people and say, hey, it's either $7 or $6.95 and see how many people actually, that was like the deciding factor.

00:51:20.000 Like, you know what?

00:51:21.000 That sounds too high.

00:51:22.000 It is.

00:51:22.000 All right.

00:51:23.000 I'm telling you, people have said that.

00:51:25.000 Yeah, I'm sure like psychologically.

00:51:27.000 I mean, it's not a coincidence that they do it all the time.

00:51:30.000 We can either feed our hamster or sign up for me.

00:51:33.000 Well, a lot of being broke, especially when you're worried about how much this costs or that costs and really mining your pennies, a lot of it is psychological.

00:51:40.000 You're like, man, I want to get that fucking thing, but shit.

00:51:43.000 Can I afford it?

00:51:44.000 Fuck it, I'm just going to go for it.

00:51:45.000 It's only $6.95, you know?

00:51:47.000 That's why you should just do like $4.95 plus two, maybe.

00:51:50.000 Because at first you'd be like, four?

00:51:52.000 That sounds way better.

00:51:53.000 Plus two?

00:51:55.000 Confuse the fuck out of me.

00:51:56.000 Yeah, two small numbers equal the same number.

00:51:58.000 $4.95 plus two dollars.

00:52:00.000 Only at ArtieLang.com.

00:52:01.000 Many people do math.

00:52:03.000 I'm trying to find the thing.

00:52:04.000 What are you looking for?

00:52:05.000 Oh, did you get unplugged?

00:52:07.000 He's getting crazy here, ladies and gentlemen.

00:52:09.000 Artie Lang is just moving about like a wild man, knocking cords out, thinking about going on the road with his nine ball game.

00:52:19.000 There we go.

00:52:20.000 Beautiful.

00:52:21.000 We got it.

00:52:21.000 We're back?

00:52:22.000 Alright.

00:52:22.000 We're back.

00:52:23.000 Yeah.

00:52:24.000 I'm thinking you, me, Fitzsimmons, and Dom Herrera.

00:52:28.000 We do a goddamn pool tournament.

00:52:30.000 We do it live on the internet.

00:52:32.000 We get a sponsor.

00:52:33.000 We have some fun.

00:52:34.000 We talk some shit.

00:52:36.000 It's safe to say I would, without question, say yes to that.

00:52:39.000 That would be a lot of fun.

00:52:40.000 There's no doubt about it.

00:52:41.000 That's totally a good thing to do.

00:52:43.000 Now that I know you play really good, and Adam Ferrara, like I said, he plays really good, too.

00:52:47.000 Fitzsimmons plays really good, and Dom can play.

00:52:49.000 Bring him on!

00:52:50.000 Bring him on, says Ady Meng!

00:52:52.000 Come on, I'm ready.

00:52:53.000 Alright, we're gonna do that.

00:52:54.000 We'll do a comedy slash, you know, pool podcast with the four of us.

00:52:59.000 You can do it right out here.

00:53:00.000 You can even do shows at pool halls.

00:53:02.000 Like, I've been to pool halls where there's stages.

00:53:03.000 It's too loud.

00:53:04.000 What do you mean, like comedy shows?

00:53:05.000 Yeah, like do a comedy show and then play pool.

00:53:07.000 No.

00:53:08.000 Because then you're doing a comedy show to a pool hall.

00:53:10.000 Like, don't you want to do a comedy show at a comedy club?

00:53:12.000 Like, that's why you want to do comedy.

00:53:14.000 You don't want to do comedy at a pool hall with a bunch of people watching various games at the bar and talking shit, mad that they missed the eight.

00:53:20.000 Like, fucking cunt!

00:53:23.000 In the middle of your set.

00:53:25.000 You don't have to deal with that.

00:53:26.000 I like that.

00:53:27.000 Yeah, I think this place, where it's nice and quiet and private, that's where you want to do it.

00:53:31.000 You don't want to do it at a pool.

00:53:32.000 Well, I'm in.

00:53:32.000 You let me know.

00:53:33.000 Yeah!

00:53:34.000 I can play better than you think.

00:53:37.000 So, you played good.

00:53:38.000 I could tell.

00:53:39.000 I could tell when...

00:53:40.000 Ping-pong.

00:53:41.000 Oh, ping-pong.

00:53:42.000 I don't know how to play that.

00:53:44.000 It's the same thing as pool.

00:53:45.000 It's just hand-eye coordination.

00:53:46.000 You'll be fine.

00:53:47.000 Yeah, but you have to practice it.

00:53:48.000 Yeah, you'll practice everything.

00:53:48.000 Oh, you'll be fine.

00:53:49.000 I can see how much you love gambling when we started playing for money.

00:53:52.000 I can tell the little fire inside your eyes.

00:53:54.000 No, no, that's when I bring it on.

00:53:56.000 That's life's instant excitement.

00:54:00.000 Double your net worth on a Virginia Tech game on a Tuesday, and you watch the fireworks fly.

00:54:05.000 Have you done that?

00:54:06.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:54:07.000 What's the biggest bet you've ever placed?

00:54:09.000 One time...

00:54:11.000 I won $140,000 on the Super Bowl 2007. Wow.

00:54:17.000 But after everything, the hooker, the commission, I got back on the plane, I did the math, I was down five grand.

00:54:27.000 What kind of hooker was that?

00:54:28.000 I knew that kind of hooker.

00:54:30.000 Uh...

00:54:31.000 Uh...

00:54:34.000 That's hilarious.

00:54:36.000 Motherfucker!

00:54:36.000 You pop it out again?

00:54:37.000 That must have been one fucking while.

00:54:40.000 How many days did that take?

00:54:42.000 Three.

00:54:42.000 Jesus Christ.

00:54:44.000 So you were burning through?

00:54:47.000 Going nuts.

00:54:48.000 Just whatever.

00:54:48.000 Forget it.

00:54:49.000 Just burning through?

00:54:50.000 Whatever badness came about.

00:54:52.000 I love that.

00:54:52.000 Wow.

00:54:55.000 You should write a book about just that weekend.

00:54:56.000 I wrote two of them.

00:54:59.000 They're both bestsellers.

00:55:00.000 What do I mean about that?

00:55:01.000 That one particular weekend.

00:55:02.000 Oh, that'll call you.

00:55:03.000 That should be a whole book by itself.

00:55:04.000 I should do a third one.

00:55:06.000 That's hilarious.

00:55:07.000 Yeah.

00:55:08.000 That is fucking hilarious.

00:55:09.000 Goddamn, dude.

00:55:10.000 So that's the most you've ever won.

00:55:12.000 That's the most I ever lost.

00:55:14.000 That's the most you've ever lost, too.

00:55:16.000 Around the same area?

00:55:18.000 Right, exactly.

00:55:19.000 Because the night I ended up down...

00:55:20.000 Well, if you're betting that high, man, if you go bad, if you have a weird week, shit can get real ugly.

00:55:26.000 Yeah.

00:55:27.000 The worst part is to win a couple of times, man.

00:55:29.000 It hooks you.

00:55:30.000 You get fired up again.

00:55:31.000 Yeah, it hooks you, and then boom, before you know it.

00:55:33.000 So what is it?

00:55:34.000 Is it just playing that chemical rush game of, like, knowing you could lose 100 grand?

00:55:39.000 Without question.

00:55:40.000 It's a physical rush, without question.

00:55:44.000 Does it pull you?

00:55:46.000 Do you feel like if you haven't bet in a while, do you feel like you need to place a bet?

00:55:50.000 Does it start pulling at you?

00:55:51.000 No, not for me.

00:55:52.000 I'm not like that.

00:55:53.000 But when I go somewhere and something reminds me of it, I can put one down, and then that could start a binge going.

00:55:59.000 I never sit at home craving I've got to bet on something.

00:56:05.000 To me, what I'm getting out of Artie Lang, because I love you, is that you're a talented guy that loves pleasure.

00:56:11.000 That's what it is.

00:56:13.000 Pleasure and excitement.

00:56:15.000 I like feeling something.

00:56:17.000 It doesn't have to be pleasure.

00:56:19.000 And this gambling thing, that's like cutting.

00:56:21.000 That goes deep down to the nerves.

00:56:23.000 It's the best thing in the world.

00:56:25.000 It's just like...

00:56:26.000 Me and Norm MacDonald used to do this thing called lightning bet, which is literally heroin for gamblers.

00:56:33.000 You know what the under-over is?

00:56:35.000 No.

00:56:36.000 You ever hear that?

00:56:36.000 What is lightning?

00:56:37.000 Yeah, I know what the under-over is.

00:56:38.000 Anybody here know what the under-over is?

00:56:39.000 Like I say, you're betting a basketball game, okay?

00:56:39.000 Yeah.

00:56:43.000 And the under-over for the basketball game is 180 points, which that means is...

00:56:49.000 The total amount of points that each team scores has to come total over 180. Then you win.

00:56:56.000 If the total number that they score is below 180, you lose.

00:57:01.000 Hence, over-under.

00:57:03.000 So, a lightning bet is you assign a number...

00:57:08.000 An amount of money to each point that the bet goes over or under.

00:57:13.000 Which means if you lightning bet $1,000 on an over at $180, once you hit the over, I get the chills saying this.

00:57:24.000 Once you hit the over, every single basket that gets hit in the game, you win $1,000.

00:57:31.000 Every?

00:57:32.000 From both teams?

00:57:32.000 Both teams.

00:57:34.000 A basket from the field is $2,000.

00:57:37.000 Oh my God.

00:57:37.000 A three-pointers, three grand.

00:57:40.000 Every single basket.

00:57:41.000 Three grand for everything.

00:57:42.000 It's a thousand grand.

00:57:43.000 Oh, my God.

00:57:44.000 So, like, the shakes you start to get while you're watching are literally, like, they're visible.

00:57:49.000 It's almost like, you know, you're having a conniption.

00:57:52.000 And you have drinks, maybe Coke, something that will calm you down.

00:57:55.000 And every time a shot goes up, it's like, $1,000!

00:57:58.000 $2,000!

00:57:59.000 $2,000!

00:58:00.000 And to me, it's the purest form of degenerate gambling I've ever seen.

00:58:04.000 I've ever seen.

00:58:06.000 I wasn't even aware that existed.

00:58:08.000 Norm and I was on the road once for six months.

00:58:10.000 I was opening for him.

00:58:11.000 It was during the basketball playoffs.

00:58:13.000 We had about 40 Gs on every game.

00:58:17.000 God!

00:58:17.000 Wasn't Norm the one we just talked about that had that famous story where he threw the money in the ocean because he knew he was going to lose it?

00:58:23.000 Was that Norm?

00:58:24.000 Yeah, he decided to throw it out because he thought it would just make him lose more.

00:58:27.000 But that might have very well been urban legend.

00:58:30.000 Do you know is that true?

00:58:31.000 A lot of this could be urban legend.

00:58:33.000 No, not from you.

00:58:34.000 I'm saying from...

00:58:35.000 I didn't hear it from Norm.

00:58:36.000 I agree that that could be...

00:58:38.000 And I agree that could be urban legend.

00:58:38.000 Did you?

00:58:38.000 No.

00:58:40.000 Absolutely.

00:58:41.000 Well, everyone knows he's just a wild maniac.

00:58:44.000 He's one of the funniest, smartest human beings I've ever met, but he's got a true edge and a true danger, and that's what happens.

00:58:51.000 I love him, though.

00:58:51.000 He's a rock star, man.

00:58:53.000 He's a rock star.

00:58:53.000 He's a bad motherfucker.

00:58:54.000 He's hilarious.

00:58:55.000 He's hilarious, and he's also like, that's really him.

00:59:00.000 Stop putting on an act.

00:59:02.000 You know, when he hosted the ESPYs in 2001, O.J. Simpson was just forced to give his Heisman Trophy back to Fred Goldman because O.J. lost the civil suit.

00:59:12.000 So he had to give money reparations back to Fred Goldman and Nicole.

00:59:16.000 So he didn't have any money.

00:59:17.000 So he said, take my Heisman Trophy, whatever that's worth.

00:59:19.000 So Fred Goldman takes it.

00:59:21.000 And now he owns it.

00:59:23.000 So, the next week, Norm hosts the ESPYs.

00:59:26.000 Charles Woodson, the guy who won the Heisman Trophy, the first defensive guy ever sitting in the front row.

00:59:31.000 First joke Norm tells, he looks in the front row and he says, Hey, Charles Woodson, man, you won the Heisman Trophy.

00:59:37.000 No one can ever take that away from you.

00:59:39.000 First defensive guy to win the Heisman Trophy.

00:59:42.000 No one can ever take that away from you.

00:59:43.000 And everybody applauds.

00:59:44.000 It's like a real nice thing.

00:59:46.000 And it settles down and goes, no one can ever take that Heisman Trophy away.

00:59:50.000 And then he pauses and said, unless, of course, you kill your wife and a waiter.

00:59:58.000 How's that galore?

00:59:59.000 It bombed.

01:00:00.000 Did it really?

01:00:01.000 Well, it was, yeah, it was a radio studio.

01:00:04.000 It was like Ken Griffey Jr. was on the phone.

01:00:07.000 Oh my god.

01:00:09.000 Oh my god.

01:00:10.000 What did they expect?

01:00:12.000 That's Norm fucking McDonald.

01:00:13.000 Well, maybe not that, but it makes me love him even more.

01:00:17.000 Norm and I talked.

01:00:18.000 We sat next to each other randomly on an airplane.

01:00:21.000 Talked the whole way back.

01:00:22.000 Just shot the shit.

01:00:23.000 Talked about all kinds of stuff.

01:00:24.000 I was like, yeah, I quit smoking a while ago.

01:00:26.000 Just done with it.

01:00:28.000 And for whatever reason, the plane lands and he goes, man, I just want a cigarette.

01:00:32.000 He just walks in this door.

01:00:33.000 He hadn't smoked in like X amount of months, but just decided from talking about it on the airplane, how he quit smoking, that he just wanted another cigarette.

01:00:42.000 Grabbed it, went outside, and he's just smoking.

01:00:44.000 I go, what happened?

01:00:46.000 I go, I thought you quit smoking.

01:00:47.000 He goes, I did.

01:00:48.000 I did until just now.

01:00:49.000 I just wanted a cigarette.

01:00:51.000 The movie, me and him, I did a buddy comedy with him, and it got bad reviews, right?

01:00:56.000 So the reviewer in my hometown paper said, Artie Lang has all the charm of a date rapist.

01:01:01.000 True line.

01:01:02.000 So Norm looks at it, and he calls me up, and he goes, hey, man, that's fucking great.

01:01:08.000 A date rapist has to have way more charm than a regular rapist.

01:01:21.000 That made me feel better.

01:01:23.000 Norm is the coolest motherfucker on the planet.

01:01:25.000 I love him, and he's funny, and I hope he doesn't die broke.

01:01:29.000 No, he's just a real special dude.

01:01:32.000 He's a very unusual guy.

01:01:33.000 I've got to get him on this podcast.

01:01:34.000 I just never see him.

01:01:35.000 You'd have a blast, of course.

01:01:37.000 When I was on the plane with him, he didn't even have a cell phone back then.

01:01:39.000 I got an answering machine.

01:01:41.000 They can get me there.

01:01:43.000 Call them back when I want to.

01:01:44.000 That's so true.

01:01:48.000 They can call me back if they want.

01:01:50.000 Yeah, I mean, it is how it should be, I guess.

01:01:52.000 Unless someone needs to get a hold of you right now.

01:01:54.000 Well, for doctors, lawyers, kids, I guess it's good.

01:01:57.000 Everything else, who cares?

01:01:58.000 What about Gamblinati?

01:02:00.000 The line is hot!

01:02:01.000 I know.

01:02:02.000 I'd rather not know for a while.

01:02:04.000 You had genuine disdain for me in your eyes when I told you that I didn't watch sports.

01:02:08.000 I really saw it in your eyes.

01:02:10.000 Well, no, because I thought you did watch sports.

01:02:11.000 I know, you were disappointed.

01:02:13.000 But you play sports, though.

01:02:14.000 I don't, just martial arts.

01:02:15.000 Okay, that's a sport, right?

01:02:17.000 Yeah, I guess so.

01:02:18.000 I mean, are you a box?

01:02:19.000 I played sport, yeah.

01:02:20.000 When me and you first met at MADtv a long time ago, I thought you told me that you played second baser, you played baseball.

01:02:27.000 Oh, I did before I started martial arts, but that was when I was like...

01:02:32.000 You and I had a conversation about boxing because you played my boxing manager on Mad TV. It's actually a very good sketch.

01:02:40.000 It was shot in black and white.

01:02:43.000 But we talked a lot of boxing.

01:02:46.000 No, because we bonded on it, sure.

01:02:48.000 I love boxing.

01:02:50.000 I became friends with you and Callan from that show.

01:02:53.000 Callan's one of my best friends this day.

01:02:55.000 Brian's a good man, man.

01:02:56.000 He's a great guy, and he loves you, too.

01:02:59.000 Brian and I have a very special friendship.

01:03:02.000 I love that motherfucker.

01:03:03.000 He's a good guy, and I hope he's doing well.

01:03:05.000 Tell him I said hello, you know.

01:03:07.000 I will, for sure.

01:03:08.000 But it was one of those things, it was like, you two guys were like, you were like, when I got on that show, it was like, I saw a lot of competition, a lot of competitive angst, but there was you two guys, they were like regular guys that were cool to hang with, and it was like real normal and comfortable,

01:03:24.000 no Hollywood bullshit.

01:03:25.000 No, thanks.

01:03:26.000 Well, it's a fun place to work, and it was good to have somebody like you come on so we could just really fuck around.

01:03:30.000 But that show lasted 14 years, God bless it.

01:03:34.000 That's amazing.

01:03:34.000 I still get checks.

01:03:35.000 That's amazing.

01:03:36.000 Yeah.

01:03:37.000 Well, you know, that Mad Magazine, I mean, that's about as iconic.

01:03:39.000 It's a juggernaut.

01:03:40.000 Yeah, it's a juggernaut, absolutely.

01:03:43.000 That shit was around in like the 60s or the 70s or something, right?

01:03:46.000 50s probably.

01:03:47.000 Yeah.

01:03:47.000 50s?

01:03:48.000 Yeah, I think it was Billy Corbin was saying that he used to have all the Mad magazines.

01:03:52.000 He went away to college, his mom threw them out.

01:03:54.000 He had like every episode.

01:03:55.000 I'm cleaning all the clutter!

01:03:57.000 Just tossed out these fucking icons of American history.

01:04:02.000 I mean, Mad magazine is like, I used to read that shit.

01:04:06.000 My parents used to buy that when I was a little kid.

01:04:08.000 That's been around forever.

01:04:08.000 Yeah.

01:04:09.000 I was big with puns, you know.

01:04:11.000 Yeah.

01:04:12.000 We'd always have to pitch puns, and I would pitch them as a joke, thinking they'd never do it.

01:04:17.000 And sometimes they would do it, and I'm like, oh my, wait, I was kidding.

01:04:20.000 Like, I would pitch stuff like Andre Dawson's Creek.

01:04:25.000 He was a baseball player.

01:04:28.000 Rush Limbaugh sings Rush songs.

01:04:30.000 They wouldn't do that.

01:04:31.000 That's hilarious.

01:04:34.000 Tori Amos and Ami.

01:04:36.000 They wouldn't do that.

01:04:40.000 I mean, just make it easier.

01:04:41.000 Do you ever see yourself doing a sketch show again, or is it just too much work?

01:04:44.000 It's a young man's game.

01:04:45.000 It is.

01:04:46.000 I look back at those sketches at Man TV, and I'm like, oh my god, how did I do that?

01:04:50.000 Did you like doing that sports show?

01:04:52.000 It's like the show with you and Nick was mostly sports, but a lot of comedy as well.

01:04:57.000 Yeah, I loved it.

01:04:57.000 Nick and I had a lot of fun.

01:04:59.000 We got to talk about sports, be funny and everything, and of course the corporate people tried to make it something that wasn't.

01:05:04.000 They wanted a more conservative show.

01:05:07.000 And I can't blame them, but, you know, you didn't hire me to do SportsCenter, did you?

01:05:11.000 Why'd they hire you to do a conservative show?

01:05:13.000 That's ridiculous.

01:05:14.000 Because it was probably one in the long line of bad business decisions that they made.

01:05:17.000 Yeah, but you guys weren't that outrageous?

01:05:18.000 It wasn't so off the charts crazy?

01:05:21.000 No, we weren't.

01:05:22.000 I think they just, the certain little things we said, you know, Might not be considered proper English they got mad at.

01:05:31.000 See, that's the beauty.

01:05:32.000 That's where the beauty of podcasting comes in.

01:05:34.000 Like you said when you sat down.

01:05:36.000 This is fantastic.

01:05:37.000 And I love...

01:05:38.000 Look, everybody who signed up for me already is...

01:05:41.000 God bless you.

01:05:42.000 I appreciate it.

01:05:43.000 I hope people will more.

01:05:45.000 But this is the first time I am uncensored.

01:05:48.000 Completely and utter uncensored.

01:05:49.000 I got nobody telling me what to do.

01:05:51.000 Nobody.

01:05:52.000 So it'll be foam.

01:05:53.000 100%.

01:05:54.000 And you, like, because of your tweets...

01:05:57.000 You know, because of the funny shit that you've been saying, like, you're in a good place comedically right now.

01:06:01.000 You're hitting high notes.

01:06:03.000 I just did a special.

01:06:04.000 I did a...

01:06:05.000 Yeah, everything I've done in the last year I've liked.

01:06:08.000 So, you know.

01:06:09.000 So is that what's, like, bringing you the most joy, like, at this stage?

01:06:12.000 I guess, yeah.

01:06:12.000 Like, the stand-up?

01:06:14.000 Yeah.

01:06:15.000 It seems like it's, like, the most pure, right?

01:06:17.000 You get that burst of one hour, you know, you get it out.

01:06:20.000 Yeah, there's nothing like stand-up, man.

01:06:22.000 There's nothing like grabbing a mic and saying something in the mic and you get the immediate reaction.

01:06:27.000 You get a check and you get the hell out of there.

01:06:29.000 Everything else takes forever.

01:06:30.000 Have you ever thought about doing like a Vegas residency?

01:06:34.000 Not for a long time, no.

01:06:35.000 I've been there for two weeks.

01:06:37.000 Not longer than two weeks.

01:06:38.000 You wouldn't do it?

01:06:40.000 It depends on the cash, man.

01:06:41.000 I've seen you and your gambling in Vegas and someone putting you up in a casino.

01:06:47.000 Dude, I'm telling you.

01:06:48.000 Give me a price.

01:06:49.000 Wild fucking ride.

01:06:50.000 Give me a price, baby.

01:06:51.000 If you really want to go out like one of those July...

01:06:56.000 Those fireworks shows at Disney in July when they really go off right around the 4th?

01:07:01.000 Just give me a number.

01:07:04.000 Brian Regan, who was in here earlier, he lives in Vegas, but he doesn't work in Vegas.

01:07:08.000 He works on the road.

01:07:09.000 Oh, yeah.

01:07:10.000 He lives, but does technically live in Vegas?

01:07:14.000 Technically lives just outside of Vegas, in one of those suburban towns, but he doesn't perform in Vegas at all.

01:07:21.000 Wow!

01:07:21.000 Wait, really?

01:07:23.000 What?

01:07:24.000 That's nuts!

01:07:25.000 Well, his kids live there, so he doesn't want to perform near where his kids live.

01:07:28.000 Yeah, Brian Regan, one of the best comedians ever, was just in there.

01:07:31.000 It was a pleasure to meet Brian.

01:07:32.000 Thank you.

01:07:32.000 I couldn't believe you'd never met him before.

01:07:34.000 Never met Brian.

01:07:34.000 That's crazy.

01:07:35.000 He is one of my absolute fucking heroes.

01:07:38.000 Yeah, he's a great guy.

01:07:39.000 Unreal.

01:07:40.000 Clean and good and original, unreal.

01:07:43.000 Yeah, he reminds me of Gaffigan in that sense, where they're completely squeaky clean, but undeniably two of the best comics in the world.

01:07:52.000 Like, Gaffigan doesn't lose anything for being squeaky clean.

01:07:55.000 His comedy is just...

01:07:57.000 He just smashes it every time.

01:07:59.000 Like, he doesn't have to be dirty.

01:08:01.000 Yeah, they're the same types of guys.

01:08:03.000 Yeah, that's what they do.

01:08:04.000 You know, that's why the beauty of comedy...

01:08:07.000 With a lot of these guys, you have to find out who the fuck they are.

01:08:11.000 Mitch Hedberg, perfect example.

01:08:14.000 That's not a model.

01:08:15.000 You can't say, oh, a Hedberg type before he existed.

01:08:18.000 You couldn't nail that down.

01:08:20.000 The closest you would get is maybe Stephen Wright, kind of.

01:08:23.000 But not really.

01:08:24.000 Hedberg had his own thing.

01:08:25.000 I know.

01:08:26.000 I didn't want to stick around and see what happened.

01:08:29.000 Yeah, you know, I don't think he was, it was that much of an accident with him, unfortunately.

01:08:35.000 No, unfortunately.

01:08:36.000 Well, after he, you know, he'd had one health scare from the heroin, and then, like, he was getting gangrene or something crazy from shooting at the same spot.

01:08:47.000 You can smell it, too.

01:08:47.000 That's what happens.

01:08:48.000 You know, getting on a plane.

01:08:51.000 What's it smell like?

01:08:53.000 Oh, I'm not sure.

01:08:55.000 I've never smelled it.

01:08:57.000 I would imagine not good, like any sort of...

01:09:00.000 Well, you're dealing with rotting tissue.

01:09:01.000 Yeah, it's gotta be like a dead mouse under the couch or something.

01:09:03.000 Yeah, something like that, probably along those lines.

01:09:07.000 Dead tissue.

01:09:09.000 Yeah, too bad, man.

01:09:11.000 What a funny fucking guy he was.

01:09:13.000 Jesus Christ.

01:09:14.000 Uniquely funny.

01:09:15.000 A lot of funny people, yeah.

01:09:16.000 Yeah, that one guy that just overdosed last week.

01:09:19.000 I didn't know that kid.

01:09:21.000 Did you know that kid?

01:09:21.000 No, I never know.

01:09:22.000 I met him through Taylor Vixen back in the day.

01:09:26.000 He followed me, I followed him type thing.

01:09:28.000 We talked a few times.

01:09:29.000 Then I saw him at the clubs a few times.

01:09:31.000 What was his name again?

01:09:33.000 Little...

01:09:34.000 What was that?

01:09:37.000 Harris Whittles.

01:09:38.000 Harris Whittles.

01:09:39.000 Harris Wills.

01:09:40.000 Poor bastard.

01:09:41.000 He was a nice guy.

01:09:42.000 He seemed like a really nice guy.

01:09:44.000 I was actually going to have him on the podcast, but then he became an executive producer of that Parks and Rec show, and I was like, oh, this guy's never...

01:09:50.000 Yeah, I heard he was a really good comic, too.

01:09:53.000 I heard he was a very funny writer.

01:09:55.000 I heard that from everybody.

01:09:57.000 That's fucking...

01:09:58.000 Those goddamn pills, man.

01:10:00.000 Was it Pills?

01:10:01.000 Yeah.

01:10:02.000 How old was he?

01:10:02.000 I heard...

01:10:04.000 Was it Pills?

01:10:05.000 Because I was told that he was into heroin.

01:10:08.000 Yeah, but it's the same thing.

01:10:08.000 Oh, really?

01:10:09.000 One leads to the other.

01:10:11.000 Yeah, I mean, you might be right, but I had heard it was pills.

01:10:14.000 Well, it's, you know, that's what you're getting when you're taking opiates.

01:10:17.000 You're basically getting the same stuff.

01:10:19.000 I mean, it's hillbilly heroin.

01:10:21.000 That's why they call it that.

01:10:22.000 Yeah, the scary part of it is the ingredient they put in that fucks with your liver.

01:10:27.000 Not everything does that.

01:10:28.000 Tylenol has it.

01:10:29.000 Percocet has it.

01:10:31.000 But...

01:10:32.000 Stuff like Xanax and stuff don't happen for some reason.

01:10:34.000 I have no idea why.

01:10:36.000 But your liver goes way quicker if you take Percocet or something else.

01:10:40.000 When did you have your first experience with opiates?

01:10:42.000 Oh, man.

01:10:46.000 I was probably 14. Whoa.

01:10:50.000 Whoa.

01:10:51.000 What was that feeling like?

01:10:53.000 It was all right.

01:10:54.000 It felt good.

01:10:55.000 It threw up a little bit, you know.

01:10:57.000 Wow.

01:10:58.000 And then I was at an ACDC concert.

01:11:02.000 1981, back in black.

01:11:05.000 I took a little.

01:11:07.000 And it was great.

01:11:08.000 Sniff?

01:11:09.000 Concha never felt that good in my life.

01:11:12.000 No sniffing.

01:11:13.000 I wasn't sniffing anything.

01:11:14.000 How'd you take it?

01:11:15.000 I was like this.

01:11:17.000 I just took it on my tongue.

01:11:18.000 Really?

01:11:19.000 That's all you would do?

01:11:19.000 Yeah.

01:11:20.000 Just put it on your tongue?

01:11:20.000 When I was 14. Wow.

01:11:22.000 Yeah.

01:11:23.000 Wow.

01:11:24.000 It dissolved and was like, whoa.

01:11:27.000 That's what did it, my friend Johnny.

01:11:29.000 He started out with a lot of it was uppers, a lot of coke.

01:11:34.000 Started out with a lot of coke and crack and things along those lines.

01:11:37.000 And then somewhere along the line it shifted to heroin.

01:11:41.000 Well, that's what happens because heroin's cheaper and it's better for your liver.

01:11:41.000 Yeah.

01:11:45.000 You know, the natural thing and then bam, that fucks you too.

01:11:48.000 It's better for your liver than coke?

01:11:51.000 Yes.

01:11:52.000 No.

01:11:54.000 Pills are worse for your liver than any powder.

01:11:57.000 Powder doesn't have to go through your liver.

01:11:59.000 Wow.

01:12:01.000 14, man.

01:12:02.000 That's insane.

01:12:04.000 When did it become like a regular thing?

01:12:06.000 How old did you become when it was a regular thing?

01:12:08.000 18. Wow.

01:12:09.000 Something like that.

01:12:10.000 That's 17, 17, 17. So you have like periods where you stopped and then periods got back on.

01:12:17.000 But yeah, I could never have done in my career what I did early on if I was on heroin.

01:12:22.000 No way.

01:12:23.000 You can't function.

01:12:23.000 Didn't make sense.

01:12:24.000 Yeah.

01:12:25.000 You can't function.

01:12:26.000 Wow.

01:12:28.000 So when you see like this, how many people get prescribed it today, and you know how much of a pull it has on people.

01:12:35.000 When you see, I mean, they're prescribing it to people all the time.

01:12:38.000 People have injuries.

01:12:39.000 Right.

01:12:40.000 Well, it depends on the injury.

01:12:41.000 If you really broke your back, you know, and your loved ones there, they don't want you sitting there with a broken back.

01:12:47.000 If they really need it, they really need it.

01:12:49.000 The problem is you've got to go to a great doctor who knows how to wean you off it right.

01:12:53.000 Because if they don't do it, you'll be in withdrawals when you get out.

01:12:56.000 And then you're physically addicted to it.

01:12:58.000 That's the problem.

01:12:59.000 You're physically addicted.

01:13:00.000 Charlie Parker, the old saxophonist, said something.

01:13:02.000 He said, they can get it out of your blood, but they can't get it out of your brain.

01:13:06.000 You know, you keep remembering what it felt like.

01:13:09.000 I mean, that's the problem.

01:13:24.000 Yeah, it's a shame.

01:13:32.000 And he's not that, you know, he's not that guy.

01:13:34.000 And that destroys your liver.

01:13:35.000 You might as well get a fungo bat out and just hit your liver with it.

01:13:38.000 That many pills, bam, bam, bam.

01:13:38.000 Really?

01:13:41.000 And especially if you have some booze with them, fuck it.

01:13:43.000 Fuck it, fuck it.

01:13:44.000 Is that the only way to party, though?

01:13:45.000 The booze?

01:13:46.000 You gotta mix it?

01:13:47.000 With the pills.

01:13:51.000 Why is that more dangerous?

01:13:53.000 Why is it more dangerous to mix booze with them?

01:13:54.000 Because it's a combination.

01:13:55.000 It's like bam, bam.

01:13:56.000 It's like a one-two punch.

01:13:57.000 It's like an overdose type of thing.

01:13:58.000 It's a one-two punch, man.

01:13:59.000 A little water, a little, a little wine.

01:14:02.000 You marinate your liver.

01:14:04.000 Jesus Christ.

01:14:05.000 Done it plenty of times.

01:14:07.000 Did you ever do it, make bets that you forgot about, and then wake up in the morning with a stub in your pocket going, what the fuck did I bet on?

01:14:12.000 I used to do that with Monday Night Football.

01:14:17.000 I would bet at 5 o'clock, and then I'd go drinking, and I would be drunk, and I would call the bookie again at 7.30, so drunk, and all I would do is bet on the other team.

01:14:29.000 So all I could do was lose the VIG, the tax for losing.

01:14:32.000 So I lose the VIG the next day.

01:14:33.000 I call the book up and I go, dude, what the fuck did you let me do that for?

01:14:37.000 And he actually said this to me.

01:14:38.000 He said, you gotta learn a life lesson.

01:14:42.000 I said, thanks, Mr. Book.

01:14:44.000 Your bookie's giving you life lessons.

01:14:47.000 Thanks, Mr. Gambino.

01:14:48.000 That's hilarious.

01:14:49.000 That's fucking hilarious.

01:14:50.000 Unbelievable.

01:14:52.000 You've had a goddamn colorful life.

01:14:52.000 I'm already lying.

01:14:54.000 I don't know.

01:14:56.000 They don't make a dude like you the easy way.

01:14:58.000 Nah, I haven't been easy.

01:15:01.000 That's why you're you, man, you know?

01:15:03.000 That's the beautiful thing about life.

01:15:05.000 What I was saying earlier about hanging out in pool halls, like you meet so many crazy, interesting characters.

01:15:10.000 You do, you do.

01:15:11.000 And it's fun!

01:15:13.000 That's why it makes sense that you could play pool.

01:15:15.000 Well, look, prom is you need a balance.

01:15:17.000 Yeah.

01:15:18.000 And I could win a lot of money off those other people, too.

01:15:21.000 Although I'm still a dirtbag.

01:15:22.000 Well, that hustle that you guys had is pretty strong.

01:15:25.000 That never failed, except the one time I kept missing.

01:15:28.000 Never failed.

01:15:29.000 Your buddy sets it up, it's like, boom!

01:15:29.000 Think about it.

01:15:32.000 Ba-boom!

01:15:33.000 He just bobbles it, just hits the point of the pocket and leaves it there.

01:15:37.000 He's like Pete Carroll on the fuckin' Seahawks.

01:15:40.000 Man, that's hilarious that you were doing that for so long.

01:15:44.000 How many times do you guys think you played that?

01:15:46.000 Played what?

01:15:47.000 Did that hustle.

01:15:51.000 In seven years, probably 3,000 times.

01:15:59.000 You're just robbing people.

01:16:01.000 Oh, we're just gambling.

01:16:03.000 That's not gambling.

01:16:04.000 You're tricking them.

01:16:05.000 I used it for the right thing.

01:16:07.000 It's smart, though.

01:16:08.000 Look, it's a clever move.

01:16:10.000 It's America.

01:16:11.000 It's America!

01:16:12.000 Free enterprise.

01:16:13.000 Come on, sweetie.

01:16:15.000 Give me a break.

01:16:16.000 Have you ever gotten in trouble for gambling?

01:16:17.000 Is there a way, like, did they ever try to get you to tell who your bookie is?

01:16:20.000 Yes, I got arrested for gambling once, and my buddy did too, and we both kind of dummied up and they let us go.

01:16:27.000 You mean you didn't know?

01:16:27.000 You dummied up?

01:16:28.000 I don't know.

01:16:29.000 I don't know what to say.

01:16:31.000 They eventually have to let you go?

01:16:32.000 Monkey no see, monkey no do.

01:16:34.000 How long do they keep you for?

01:16:35.000 Three hours.

01:16:36.000 I mean, three days.

01:16:37.000 Three days for gambling?

01:16:39.000 Yeah.

01:16:39.000 That's hilarious.

01:16:41.000 Why'd you get caught?

01:16:42.000 Suspection of gambling.

01:16:43.000 Suspicion of gambling!

01:16:44.000 Three days!

01:16:46.000 What a country!

01:16:47.000 Like Yakov Smirnoff says.

01:16:49.000 They want to get somebody bigger.

01:16:51.000 And I'll be honest with you, I was much more afraid of the other person than the cops.

01:16:55.000 I just was.

01:16:55.000 So I said, they have nothing on me, the lawyer said.

01:16:59.000 They have nothing.

01:17:00.000 You might get three days.

01:17:02.000 Just sit here and shut up.

01:17:03.000 So every time somebody asks me, you go, you know, what's going on?

01:17:06.000 You're gambling with this guy?

01:17:07.000 I'm like, nah, I'm gambling.

01:17:08.000 I don't think you're gambling.

01:17:11.000 I mean, others are like, me can't.

01:17:14.000 I don't know.

01:17:15.000 So how did you get caught?

01:17:16.000 Like, what was the circumstance?

01:17:18.000 The place got raided.

01:17:19.000 The pool.

01:17:19.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

01:17:20.000 So you guys were playing cards?

01:17:22.000 No, pool.

01:17:23.000 Pool?

01:17:23.000 We were all shooting pool.

01:17:24.000 Suspicion of gambling pool?

01:17:26.000 All shooting pool.

01:17:27.000 Wow.

01:17:28.000 Three days?

01:17:29.000 It was a major ring.

01:17:30.000 This happened in the 40s?

01:17:31.000 And there was card tables on the back.

01:17:34.000 Oh, okay.

01:17:35.000 So it was a sweep.

01:17:36.000 They were trying to get all the connected folk in the neighborhood.

01:17:39.000 You can smoke that if you want.

01:17:40.000 Let's face it, Joe, it was a setup.

01:17:42.000 You think so?

01:17:43.000 Someone inside?

01:17:45.000 I still don't trust a couple of people.

01:17:47.000 Ooh, not me.

01:17:48.000 Tell me more.

01:17:49.000 Motherfucker.

01:17:50.000 Those motherfuckers.

01:17:52.000 Giants used to have a guy who announced all the games on the radio.

01:17:54.000 His name was Jim Gordon.

01:17:55.000 And so you'd have a bet on the game.

01:17:57.000 And if you made a mistake, if you had a ton of bet on the game and he was on the radio, if he made mistakes, you didn't know what the fuck was going on.

01:18:05.000 And, you know, it would get nerve-wracking.

01:18:09.000 So, you know, you'd have all this money on the game, and here's what Jim Gordon would say.

01:18:12.000 Sims drops back looking for a receiver.

01:18:15.000 He's going way deep, long, long, way down for Baker, baby!

01:18:17.000 Touchdown, Giants!

01:18:19.000 No, he dropped it!

01:18:23.000 And then you get, like, physical pain.

01:18:28.000 And then you get Mega takes the ball to zone 32. He crossed midfield 45-40, 35-30.

01:18:34.000 He's got one man to beat the kicker.

01:18:35.000 He's by the kicker.

01:18:36.000 He'll score!

01:18:38.000 No, he stepped out of the five!

01:18:43.000 One time, I had $500 to my name.

01:18:46.000 I put $1,000 on a giant game.

01:18:49.000 And here's what this cocksucker said on the fucking fuck radio.

01:18:54.000 Giants have the ball, fourth and goal from the one.

01:18:56.000 Till in the lone setback.

01:18:57.000 Hand off to me!

01:19:05.000 Maybe!

01:19:06.000 He!

01:19:06.000 He's in!

01:19:07.000 Wait!

01:19:08.000 No!

01:19:09.000 I can't see it!

01:19:10.000 Now word from Toyota!

01:19:20.000 That's what that motherfucker did.

01:19:23.000 Listening to sports on the radio while you're gambling has got to be one of the craziest fucking things ever.

01:19:29.000 Very difficult to do that.

01:19:32.000 Well, that's how people did it.

01:19:33.000 Back in the old days, they had the Joe Frazier fights on the radio.

01:19:36.000 Frazier with the right hand!

01:19:38.000 Down goes Frazier!

01:19:39.000 Yeah, that was on the radio.

01:19:41.000 Down goes Frazier!

01:19:42.000 Joe Lewis and Max Schmeling at the garden.

01:19:46.000 Exactly.

01:19:47.000 Yeah, they used to have those events where people would huddle over the radio and listen to sporting events.

01:19:52.000 Your grandfather used to do that with baseball.

01:19:54.000 They used to hover over the right field fence with their legs waiting to charge the field before the last hour was made.

01:19:59.000 Their leg was in play.

01:20:02.000 That's certainly not allowed.

01:20:02.000 Sure.

01:20:04.000 Yeah, certainly not allowed.

01:20:05.000 My grandfather used to do that, especially games that weren't on television.

01:20:09.000 He would listen to them on the radio, sit in front of his fucking couch, listen to the radio on a Yankee game.

01:20:14.000 Be very connected to what happened there.

01:20:14.000 Wow.

01:20:16.000 Very excited about it.

01:20:17.000 The Yankee fan?

01:20:19.000 There was some gambling in my family.

01:20:19.000 Yeah.

01:20:20.000 My grandmother was involved in running the numbers, and she got arrested, and she wouldn't rat them out, so they put her in jail for six months.

01:20:27.000 No kidding!

01:20:28.000 Yeah, she would make sweaters for the guards and shit.

01:20:30.000 Damn it!

01:20:31.000 That's a woman!

01:20:34.000 She was fresh off the boat.

01:20:36.000 You know, she came here when she was a young girl.

01:20:39.000 God bless her.

01:20:40.000 When you come here when you're a young girl and you grow up with that first-generation immigrant family, that's a different kind of animal.

01:20:48.000 God bless her.

01:20:49.000 You don't rat people out back then.

01:20:50.000 Of course you don't!

01:20:53.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:20:54.000 I'm not talking to you.

01:20:54.000 I'm sorry.

01:20:55.000 I think you have another show that you have to get to.

01:20:57.000 I don't want you to leave, though.

01:21:00.000 Everything's a big fucking arrangement.

01:21:03.000 Is that what it is?

01:21:04.000 You got a bunch of people telling you what to do.

01:21:05.000 You can smoke that.

01:21:06.000 Just smoke it.

01:21:07.000 You don't have to stuff it in there.

01:21:08.000 I'm not even smoking.

01:21:09.000 I got no fucking...

01:21:10.000 There's a lighter.

01:21:10.000 I threw you a lighter.

01:21:11.000 Joe, not now!

01:21:12.000 I'm sorry.

01:21:14.000 Here, here's one right there.

01:21:16.000 There's one beside you.

01:21:17.000 There's a little...

01:21:19.000 Thank you very much.

01:21:20.000 Do we have an air cleaner on right now?

01:21:23.000 Probably not that good.

01:21:24.000 I'm going to watch the smoke drift.

01:21:26.000 See if it goes towards the air cleaner at all.

01:21:28.000 Blow it towards me.

01:21:29.000 I'm good.

01:21:30.000 I'm sorry.

01:21:33.000 Where are you supposed to go after this?

01:21:34.000 Well, this has been something else.

01:21:36.000 I actually have a dinner with somebody.

01:21:40.000 Let's just say it's a very special person.

01:21:43.000 Let's just say I'm having dinner with someone who's named...

01:21:45.000 Well, his name rhymes with Shmiumneson.

01:21:51.000 I'm playing a vigilante.

01:21:52.000 Interesting.

01:21:53.000 Are you the mastermind of the organization that leads him to his daughter that's been kidnapped?

01:21:58.000 No, I play a cabbie he kills in the first three seconds.

01:22:01.000 He snaps my neck.

01:22:03.000 He's kicking people's asses at 80. A lot.

01:22:05.000 I mean, it's like he's really cashing them.

01:22:07.000 He's cashing them.

01:22:08.000 But what an unlikely scenario.

01:22:10.000 The guy becomes an action star deep into his 50s, I think, or his 60s.

01:22:15.000 Yeah, after his wife dies.

01:22:16.000 Yeah.

01:22:17.000 How weird.

01:22:18.000 All of a sudden, he's kicking everybody's ass.

01:22:20.000 Like all these Taken movies.

01:22:21.000 I have a very special set of skills.

01:22:24.000 Where was all that before?

01:22:26.000 Before he was like a reasonable man in movies.

01:22:29.000 Talk about obnoxious people.

01:22:31.000 Rob Schneider was going to do a movie with Steven Seagal.

01:22:36.000 He told this story on Stern.

01:22:38.000 And he goes into Seagal's dressing room.

01:22:41.000 Seagal comes out of the back and he says to Rob Schneider, I just read the greatest script ever written.

01:22:54.000 And Rob Schneider said, my God, that's great.

01:22:56.000 Who wrote it?

01:22:56.000 And he said, I did.

01:23:03.000 You never know who you're going to run into.

01:23:05.000 Those guys exist.

01:23:06.000 And they exist out here in abundance.

01:23:06.000 Yeah, they do.

01:23:08.000 More than anywhere.

01:23:09.000 More than anywhere.

01:23:10.000 Because 50% of this town works, the other 50% fucks the 50% town that works wives.

01:23:17.000 Whoa.

01:23:18.000 Strong words.

01:23:19.000 Thank you so much.

01:23:20.000 I think there's definitely a lot of people out here that are like that, though.

01:23:23.000 There's a lot of boars in the world.

01:23:24.000 They are.

01:23:25.000 How do you stop that?

01:23:26.000 How do we prevent that, Artie?

01:23:27.000 You try to hang out with the right click of people.

01:23:30.000 Right.

01:23:30.000 And if someone gives you shit, you repeat the mantra my therapist told me in the late 70s.

01:23:35.000 Which is, of course, your verbal bullets are nothing against my armor of self-confidence.

01:23:41.000 Strong words.

01:23:42.000 Remember that one.

01:23:43.000 That should be like on Instagram.

01:23:44.000 Next time you're feeling down, just remember that one.

01:23:46.000 There will be a photo of you, I predict, someone will put up on Instagram with those words, and you smiling, holding a cigarette.

01:23:53.000 I told my mother, if she ever died, I'm going to put three words on her tombstone.

01:23:59.000 She said, bitch could cook.

01:24:07.000 That's all you need.

01:24:10.000 Your Instagram had a photo of her with some of the food she cooked for your Super Bowl party.

01:24:14.000 It was a big aluminum tray.

01:24:17.000 Oh, no joke.

01:24:17.000 What was that?

01:24:18.000 If you're ever anywhere near my house, you have to come to the Super Bowl.

01:24:21.000 Sausage and peppers, meatballs with fried green peppers, galamad, and rigatoni with meat sauce, a little salad.

01:24:28.000 Dude, I'll fly in.

01:24:29.000 And, of course, some bread.

01:24:30.000 A little on salad.

01:24:32.000 I'm getting excited.

01:24:33.000 I got a quick fucking shoot.

01:24:35.000 I help you out with a lot of things, Hendry.

01:24:37.000 No.

01:24:37.000 Come on.

01:24:40.000 I'm worried about you!

01:24:40.000 Come on, Henry!

01:24:42.000 You may fold on the questioning!

01:24:47.000 Dude, I'll fly in for that.

01:24:48.000 What do you want?

01:24:49.000 I'll tell you what.

01:24:49.000 The leg or the wing?

01:24:50.000 You fly in for that, I'll fly in for the...

01:24:52.000 The pool tournament?

01:24:53.000 Okay.

01:24:54.000 The pool tournament.

01:24:55.000 The pool tournament I'm so in, you have no idea.

01:24:55.000 It's a deal.

01:24:58.000 I know you're in.

01:24:58.000 No idea.

01:24:59.000 I can see you.

01:25:00.000 You play good.

01:25:00.000 I'm watching you play today.

01:25:01.000 Me and you will be in a flash.

01:25:01.000 And you too.

01:25:02.000 We'll shoot some pool.

01:25:03.000 I'll say that to Dom.

01:25:05.000 And they might fucking...

01:25:06.000 Are they good?

01:25:06.000 They might back out.

01:25:07.000 Are they good?

01:25:07.000 Are you guys good?

01:25:08.000 They might back out.

01:25:08.000 No.

01:25:10.000 Dom is good, though.

01:25:11.000 Not these guys.

01:25:12.000 But Dom's good, and Adam Farrar is pretty good, and Greg Fitzsimmons is good.

01:25:17.000 But these guys, not so good.

01:25:18.000 I'm in.

01:25:19.000 But you're the front-runner.

01:25:21.000 And Farrar can get out pretty good, too.

01:25:23.000 But Greg can get out, too.

01:25:25.000 Greg can get out.

01:25:25.000 All right.

01:25:26.000 Pocket pool, I'm good.

01:25:27.000 I'm in, man.

01:25:28.000 You are.

01:25:28.000 You're like a world champion, right?

01:25:30.000 He's a pocket pool ace.

01:25:31.000 Ace in the hole.

01:25:33.000 In all honesty, I'm in and pleased.

01:25:35.000 I'd love to see you back east, but Joe, thanks for supporting me too, man.

01:25:39.000 I appreciate it, man.

01:25:41.000 Listen, you are a real comic, and I love you.

01:25:43.000 I love your personality.

01:25:44.000 I love you.

01:25:46.000 Let it all hang out.

01:25:46.000 We go back a long time, man.

01:25:48.000 Sketch at 95, right?

01:25:50.000 It was a long time, but you've always been cool.

01:25:52.000 I've always enjoyed your company.

01:25:54.000 Thanks, Joe.

01:25:54.000 Thanks, man.

01:25:55.000 I appreciate it.

01:25:56.000 What is Artie Quitter?

01:25:57.000 What is that?

01:25:58.000 It's just Artie Lang was taken and I noticed that this poet Charles Bukowski had on his epitaph, don't try.

01:26:05.000 His thing was...

01:26:06.000 And that's all it said.

01:26:07.000 It goes, the art of quitting is underrated.

01:26:10.000 And I said, for peace, I'll quit something before I die.

01:26:13.000 So that's what that means.

01:26:14.000 Beautiful.

01:26:15.000 Artie Quitter.

01:26:16.000 Artie Quitter, ladies and gentlemen.

01:26:16.000 Yeah.

01:26:18.000 And Artie, your podcast website, one more time?

01:26:21.000 ArtieQuitter.com is the same place.

01:26:22.000 Artie Quitter Twitter.

01:26:23.000 Artie Quitter, all one word,.com.

01:26:25.000 Artie Lang on the center.

01:26:26.000 Thank you, brother.

01:26:26.000 Thanks.

01:26:27.000 Crew, thanks, Joe.

01:26:31.000 That was fun, man.

01:26:32.000 That was fun.

The Joe Rogan Experience - February 25, 2015

Joe Rogan Experience #618 - Artie Lange

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