The Joe Rogan Experience - March 09, 2015


Joe Rogan Experience #623 - Ari Shaffir


Episode Stats

Length

2 hours and 17 minutes

Words per Minute

213.61948

Word Count

29,362

Sentence Count

3,445

Misogynist Sentences

98


Summary

Comedian and actor Pete Holmes joins Jemele to discuss his life growing up in the late 80s and early 90s in Los Angeles. He talks about how he got his start in comedy, how he became a stand-up comic, and how he ended up moving back to his hometown of Baltimore, Maryland. He also tells us about the time he was kidnapped by a crazed lunatic, and why he decided to move back to Los Angeles in the first place he ever lived in. Plus, he shares the story of how Pete became one of the most successful comedians of all time, and what it was like growing up on the mean streets of LA in the early days of the late 60s. And, of course, Pete talks about his new song, "No Need" by Young Jamie, which is a song he wrote and performed with his then-fianc girlfriend, Ariana Grande, in the original version of the song "Young Jamie" from the 1987 album "Young" and how it came to be a hit with the band Young Jamie and the rest of his band mates, The Eurythmics. Also, Pete and Pete talk about how they met and fell in love with each other in high school and how they became best friends, which led to Pete's comedy career and how Pete eventually left comedy and became a full-time comedian and moved back home in Baltimore. to pursue his dream of becoming a standup comic. in the midwest and why Pete is a better than most people in the whole town of Baltimore in this episode of of course! . is a must-listen to this episode, you won t want to miss this one. You won t wanna listen to this one? if you haven t listened to it? and don t miss it it s a good one, it s gonna be good, you re gonna love it. You ll be surprised how good it s good, don t you know what it s or you ll like it and you ll think you re going to like it, too good, right you ll be better than you think you ve heard it or don t know what else like it s going to be like that ? we ll be back next time we do it again next week, right here on the other side of the pond next week right here


Transcript

00:00:00.000 Is that the whole name of the song?
00:00:01.000 Yep, that's it.
00:00:02.000 That's the whole name of the song.
00:00:03.000 There's no need for the fucking music.
00:00:06.000 Young Jamie.
00:00:08.000 I like that.
00:00:09.000 That was the beginning of it.
00:00:11.000 That's it.
00:00:12.000 We are motherfucking live.
00:00:14.000 Are we doing it?
00:00:15.000 Yeah, we're doing it.
00:00:15.000 Oh, nice.
00:00:16.000 That's a great new theme song.
00:00:18.000 Yeah, I like it.
00:00:18.000 I'm happy with it.
00:00:20.000 Ari motherfucking Shafir has a billboard.
00:00:22.000 If there was a movie about your life, and then this happened the way it happened, I would go, ah, dude, I was too much.
00:00:30.000 Yeah, too trite.
00:00:31.000 No way.
00:00:32.000 Oh, he had a billboard above where he lived for 10 years as he struggled.
00:00:35.000 Yeah, as he was fucking destitute, living in this little shitty area of Hollywood.
00:00:41.000 Making 13 grand a year.
00:00:43.000 Yeah, right next to the comedy store.
00:00:44.000 Right down the street from the comedy store.
00:00:46.000 It's the cheapest housing near the comedy store.
00:00:48.000 Yeah.
00:00:48.000 I remember every time I'd visit you, I'd be like, we're safe here?
00:00:52.000 Can we walk through this?
00:00:53.000 Everything alright?
00:00:55.000 It wasn't dangerous, but it was bad.
00:00:57.000 And then eventually the homeless people started moving in.
00:00:59.000 Yeah.
00:01:00.000 You lived with some sketchy folk.
00:01:02.000 Yeah, sure.
00:01:02.000 There was a few people.
00:01:04.000 I didn't walk through your halls like I would walk through the Ritz-Carlton's house.
00:01:09.000 It was like, I was on, I wouldn't say I'm on, you know, code red, but I was on code yellow or whatever the fuck the terrorist code is.
00:01:17.000 I had a little bit of fear.
00:01:18.000 We had these horns, it was kind of like that, that Brady, that chain you have there.
00:01:23.000 This thing?
00:01:23.000 With the beads, yeah.
00:01:24.000 It was hanging up with this weird horn thing, like on the railing in a corner, and I asked my friend there, I was like, how long has this been there?
00:01:31.000 He goes, before I moved in.
00:01:33.000 And we're like, do you want to move it?
00:01:34.000 You fucking move it.
00:01:35.000 It just looked like voodoo-ish, and we're like, uh-uh.
00:01:38.000 Maybe it's keeping the place up.
00:01:39.000 And that thing was there for 10, 12 years.
00:01:41.000 And no one touched it.
00:01:43.000 And you had this great deal where this apartment, like, they wanted to turn it into something else.
00:01:48.000 It's prime real estate.
00:01:50.000 Oh, yeah.
00:01:50.000 Sunset in La Cienega.
00:01:52.000 Sunset in La Cienega, if they put a dope apartment building up in there, people would like a really good one.
00:01:56.000 That's what this guy wanted to do, but everyone above in the hill, the Richies got mad.
00:01:59.000 They're like, you're going to block our view!
00:02:01.000 Ah, the Richies.
00:02:02.000 And they blocked it forever.
00:02:03.000 Plus, even if it was like, alright, I'll have a new one.
00:02:05.000 There'll be no blockage of view.
00:02:06.000 I'm going to put a rooftop garden on there, so all you'll see is greenery and flowers.
00:02:11.000 What did they say about that?
00:02:12.000 Still not.
00:02:13.000 It's going to mess up traffic while you're building.
00:02:16.000 He goes, yeah, it is going to mess up traffic a little.
00:02:18.000 And then he got a deal with Pink Dot.
00:02:19.000 He goes, how about we only enter through the Pink Dot parking lot?
00:02:22.000 And they're like, still not.
00:02:25.000 Yeah, that takes years, right?
00:02:27.000 Yeah, so then he finally got the okay.
00:02:28.000 People were moving out one by one.
00:02:29.000 He was giving deals to people.
00:02:31.000 And he gave you a deal?
00:02:32.000 Gave me a deal.
00:02:32.000 I got the deal.
00:02:33.000 I think I might have been the last one to get the deal.
00:02:35.000 Ari's always been so smart.
00:02:37.000 I'm just talking like you're not here.
00:02:38.000 But you've always been so, like for a comic, you've always been so smart with money.
00:02:43.000 Well, I knew.
00:02:44.000 As soon as I was out of money, I was out of this dream.
00:02:46.000 My amount of money I had was time.
00:02:49.000 So if I had five grand in the bank, that's six months before I had to quit, move back to Maryland, go to paralegal school, whatever it was.
00:02:56.000 You were never moving back, dude.
00:02:58.000 I would have never let you move back.
00:02:59.000 Fuck that.
00:03:00.000 I don't know.
00:03:00.000 I would have never let you move back.
00:03:02.000 I would have fucking kidnapped you.
00:03:04.000 I would have hired Tate.
00:03:05.000 I would have hired Tate.
00:03:07.000 Well, I knew when we first met, there's certain comics Where you meet them when they're really young and you go, dude, all you have to do is just keep going.
00:03:15.000 Just keep going.
00:03:17.000 You can do this.
00:03:18.000 There's guys that you go, man, I don't know.
00:03:20.000 There's guys that became super successful, like Sebastian is a really good example.
00:03:24.000 I got to see Sebastian really early in his career.
00:03:27.000 And he's a really funny comic.
00:03:30.000 He's really, really, really funny.
00:03:32.000 But he wasn't back then.
00:03:33.000 He wasn't.
00:03:34.000 And he'll admit it.
00:03:35.000 We'll all admit it.
00:03:36.000 Look, I wasn't either.
00:03:36.000 When I was young, I wasn't that good.
00:03:37.000 It depends when you see somebody.
00:03:38.000 If they're really bad, you'll be like, you should maybe quit.
00:03:41.000 And like a year or two later, you're like, oh, okay, you're starting to get it.
00:03:43.000 If you saw me when I was one year in, I mean, fucking Christ, you probably would have told me to quit.
00:03:48.000 I was terrible.
00:03:49.000 I was 21. I was an idiot.
00:03:51.000 I didn't know anything about anything in life.
00:03:53.000 I was basically a child.
00:03:54.000 It's like if I told you what seven times four is.
00:03:55.000 You're showing me your math skills.
00:03:56.000 I told you, what's seven times four?
00:03:57.000 It's an easy one.
00:03:58.000 You're like, 11?
00:03:59.000 You're like, no.
00:03:59.000 No, you're awful.
00:04:01.000 But then you realize, okay, maybe you're starting to get this.
00:04:03.000 You at least know that you can add those things.
00:04:06.000 Yeah, well, you have to have life experience.
00:04:09.000 You have to have life experience.
00:04:10.000 I didn't have life experience.
00:04:12.000 I didn't even have regular people's life experience.
00:04:14.000 That's why all new comics do jokes about not being able to get laid.
00:04:17.000 Because there's young, fucking, uncomfortable people who can't get laid.
00:04:21.000 So that's most of their experience.
00:04:22.000 They're all like, no one wants to fuck me.
00:04:24.000 And it's like, yeah, that's how everybody thinks at 24. Yeah.
00:04:27.000 But when you're a comic and you've been a comic for a long time and you see someone who's doing it, they're starting out.
00:04:32.000 There was some kid on Kill Tony.
00:04:34.000 I had a conversation with him afterwards.
00:04:36.000 I go, dude, you're really funny.
00:04:37.000 You could really do this.
00:04:38.000 We had this long conversation.
00:04:39.000 I'm like, how long have you been doing this?
00:04:40.000 He's like, two years.
00:04:41.000 I go, dude, you're really good.
00:04:42.000 You could do this.
00:04:43.000 I could just keep going.
00:04:45.000 You gotta just keep going.
00:04:46.000 Just keep going.
00:04:46.000 Just gotta keep going.
00:04:47.000 And they want another secret.
00:04:48.000 There's no secrets, man.
00:04:49.000 Just keep going.
00:04:50.000 But that's what I knew with you.
00:04:53.000 You know what Argus gave me advice?
00:04:54.000 I may have told you this.
00:04:55.000 I went through my first rut, where everything was hitting a little worse.
00:04:59.000 If it was an A-plus room, my jokes that should get an A-plus were getting a B-plus, and in a B-room, they were getting a C. And I'm like, man, what's happening here?
00:05:06.000 These jokes do better.
00:05:07.000 And I asked a bunch of people for advice, and you were like, yeah, you've grown past your material, so you've just got to get new material.
00:05:13.000 Freddie was like, do it a thousand times, so you know it so well.
00:05:15.000 It's not a hundred times.
00:05:16.000 But then Argus gave me this advice that he goes, well, maybe comedy's not your thing.
00:05:23.000 And I was like so mad about it.
00:05:25.000 But the reality is he was talking to some young new guy who's like, I don't know man, it's not going well.
00:05:31.000 I can see what his point of view is.
00:05:32.000 If you don't want to do this, you should get out.
00:05:35.000 Well, Argus has been doing it way longer than me.
00:05:38.000 And he was at the store for like...
00:05:40.000 In like the 70s.
00:05:41.000 Late 70s.
00:05:42.000 So he's probably so tired of hearing that.
00:05:44.000 Yeah.
00:05:45.000 You know, like, dude, shut up.
00:05:46.000 Just shut up.
00:05:47.000 Do it if you want to do it or don't.
00:05:48.000 But you know what, man?
00:05:49.000 Those guys, I feel like they do the art form a disservice.
00:05:54.000 Because I think that people, not Argus in general, but like people who don't take time to talk to young comics, they think have talent.
00:06:01.000 Because comics are super fragile in the beginning.
00:06:04.000 Right.
00:06:04.000 It's one of the reasons why I was like always like really friendly to Marc Maron for like years after.
00:06:11.000 Even why we like had some weirdness with each other.
00:06:13.000 He gave me advice when I was like really young.
00:06:17.000 When I was like 21 and I was just doing open mic nights.
00:06:21.000 I did the Comedy Connection once.
00:06:23.000 And he gave me advice.
00:06:25.000 What was it?
00:06:25.000 He goes, dude, he goes, you're really good.
00:06:27.000 He goes, you could do this.
00:06:28.000 He said, he goes, just don't listen to all these other people.
00:06:31.000 He goes, you're really original.
00:06:32.000 You got your own thing you're doing.
00:06:34.000 He said, just keep writing.
00:06:35.000 Just keep writing.
00:06:36.000 And I remember, like, Maren was like a successful comic then.
00:06:40.000 You know, he was like, he would work.
00:06:42.000 You know, he would, like, you know, there'd be a show.
00:06:44.000 There'd be Jackie Flynn, Mark Maren.
00:06:46.000 Like, he was on the marquee or whatever.
00:06:49.000 He was on the lineup.
00:06:49.000 He was getting paid.
00:06:50.000 If you're a new guy looking up to someone, anyone like that, it's like, wow, you're doing this for a living.
00:06:55.000 That was so important to me.
00:06:56.000 And so I think that when I remember that, like back in those days, I mean, when someone can come along and just give you just a little nudge, just a little people, and then you have to realize that.
00:07:06.000 Positive reinforcement.
00:07:07.000 Yeah, we're all this.
00:07:07.000 Take your job, man.
00:07:08.000 We're all the same goddamn thing in this.
00:07:10.000 Just because you've been doing it longer, like a guy who's been doing it for like six months was a real comic.
00:07:16.000 He's still a comic.
00:07:17.000 He's a comic.
00:07:18.000 It doesn't matter that he's broke and poor or he's been doing it for six months.
00:07:22.000 He's you, dude.
00:07:22.000 We're the same thing.
00:07:23.000 We're all trying to write a good dick joke.
00:07:24.000 We're all going to pretend you're something different once you're successful?
00:07:27.000 That's ridiculous.
00:07:29.000 That sounds so crazy.
00:07:31.000 All you're trying to do is make people laugh.
00:07:33.000 That's all you're trying to do.
00:07:34.000 That's all they're trying to do.
00:07:35.000 Yeah, it is the same thing.
00:07:36.000 Even if more people want to see you or more people want to see another guy, that's not what matters.
00:07:42.000 What matters is, like, Russell Peters.
00:07:44.000 Perfect example.
00:07:46.000 Russell Peters treats everybody like they're a comic.
00:07:48.000 Yeah.
00:07:49.000 He treats everybody.
00:07:50.000 Young guys just coming up.
00:07:51.000 Yeah, he did it with Tony once.
00:07:51.000 He was talking to the front hallway when Tommy was working the cover booth, and he was also the tower coordinator.
00:07:56.000 And they were just talking in the front.
00:07:59.000 And, um...
00:08:02.000 Russell's like, did you get on yet?
00:08:03.000 And Tony was like, no.
00:08:04.000 He wasn't passed as a paid regular yet.
00:08:06.000 And he goes, no, I don't really.
00:08:08.000 You could tell he was already upset about it.
00:08:10.000 He's like, what do you mean?
00:08:10.000 You don't get up here?
00:08:11.000 He goes, eh, you know, in the belly room sometimes.
00:08:14.000 And then Russell just turns to Tommy.
00:08:16.000 He goes, hey, man, you should put him up.
00:08:17.000 He's really funny.
00:08:19.000 You kidding?
00:08:19.000 You gotta put him up.
00:08:21.000 Well, the guy like Tommy, you could do that.
00:08:23.000 Yeah, you could overpower.
00:08:24.000 And it's like, yeah, well, why not tell somebody?
00:08:25.000 They're like, okay, tell me.
00:08:26.000 I'll email the right.
00:08:27.000 Just right then.
00:08:28.000 It's like, hey, dude, this guy's funny.
00:08:29.000 Yeah.
00:08:30.000 What are you doing?
00:08:33.000 Well, remember when Chris McGuire passed at the store and I hosted the whole night?
00:08:38.000 Because you don't understand Peter Chen was going to host and he was the worst comic.
00:08:41.000 I still get emails from him sometimes, these new pilots he's made.
00:08:43.000 He was beyond terrible.
00:08:45.000 He was like a foreign Asian who had nothing.
00:08:49.000 He had nothing.
00:08:50.000 He was there to exist for Don Barris to fuck with.
00:08:53.000 He's gonna be very upset at you over this.
00:08:55.000 He's gonna be very upset at you over this podcast.
00:08:57.000 I gotta show you some of these pilots he's made.
00:08:59.000 I watch them every time.
00:09:00.000 He's just trying.
00:09:01.000 He's out there trying.
00:09:02.000 They're like either 38 minutes as a pilot or like 4 minutes as a pilot.
00:09:06.000 They make no sense.
00:09:09.000 Oh, they're so great.
00:09:10.000 Duncan thought he was just doing a character.
00:09:12.000 So you had to sit next to Mitzi.
00:09:14.000 Oh yeah.
00:09:14.000 That's where you got people passed.
00:09:15.000 Sit next to them and laugh.
00:09:16.000 So she'd actually watch.
00:09:17.000 That's how I got in.
00:09:18.000 I got in because of the Todd.
00:09:20.000 The Todd sat there?
00:09:21.000 The Todd hooked me up and he told me he was hooking me up.
00:09:23.000 And he told me you'd do it to other comics too.
00:09:26.000 I heard Louie call for this guy I worked with in San Francisco, and I needed an MC, and she was like, well, there's a who?
00:09:32.000 I'm like, get somebody good.
00:09:33.000 Please get somebody really good.
00:09:35.000 But anyway, Louie called the punchline for this guy.
00:09:39.000 Saw him somewhere, and he was like, hey, that guy's funny, so you should help him.
00:09:41.000 That's awesome.
00:09:42.000 Yeah.
00:09:43.000 Yeah, man, that's important for all of us.
00:09:45.000 You know, we're also fans of it, right?
00:09:48.000 Yeah.
00:09:48.000 I want to be in the audience.
00:09:51.000 I want to see funny shit.
00:09:52.000 Yeah.
00:09:53.000 I tip dudes now if they do really good.
00:09:55.000 So here's the Ari Secure story.
00:09:57.000 So Ari's living in this fucking apartment, okay?
00:10:00.000 This crazy apartment.
00:10:01.000 It did have a pool.
00:10:02.000 It was fucking sweet.
00:10:03.000 For the price, it was goddamn sweet.
00:10:05.000 Oh, yeah, dude.
00:10:06.000 You had a good hookup.
00:10:07.000 I mean, it wasn't totally dangerous.
00:10:09.000 But they wouldn't want to do the repair.
00:10:10.000 Once people started moving out, they didn't want to do any repairs.
00:10:13.000 So it was just like leaves were around.
00:10:14.000 It looked like the apocalypse had hit, like Walking Dead, but they found a place.
00:10:18.000 You had a literal slumlord.
00:10:20.000 Yeah, we had a slumlord.
00:10:22.000 A real one.
00:10:23.000 He would always accuse us of that, too.
00:10:25.000 We're like, dude, do the fucking repair, man!
00:10:27.000 And he's like, are you saying I'm a slumlord?
00:10:29.000 He's like, no, but yes, you are!
00:10:32.000 Fix the fucking, clean the fucking pool!
00:10:34.000 Look at him, he gets so angry.
00:10:35.000 Because he had to, and he just wouldn't want to do his fucking Armenian.
00:10:38.000 He may as well have been a Jew.
00:10:39.000 He's the worst.
00:10:41.000 How dare you.
00:10:41.000 Fucking dirt was coming out of my sink once, and I'm like, dude, dirt is coming out of this.
00:10:45.000 And he goes, that's what happens, you haven't used a sink in a while.
00:10:47.000 I'm like, let me come to your place and see if it happens at your place.
00:10:49.000 In Malibu.
00:10:51.000 Fuck you, Frank!
00:10:53.000 Whoa, whoa.
00:10:54.000 Ari Shaffir.
00:10:55.000 Okay, so Ari's living in this apartment.
00:10:57.000 And, you know, there was a point in time where things weren't going that good for you.
00:11:03.000 Yeah, a large point in time.
00:11:05.000 Like, ten, twelve years.
00:11:07.000 You were, you know, you were putting in your time and you were trying to figure it out.
00:11:11.000 Yeah.
00:11:12.000 But what was important during that time, was really, really, really important during that time, is even though you weren't achieving great financial success, you were doing well on stage.
00:11:23.000 Yeah.
00:11:24.000 People liked me.
00:11:25.000 At my level, I was always one of the better ones, I think.
00:11:28.000 You were always doing well.
00:11:29.000 And you were always working.
00:11:30.000 You were always working on new shit.
00:11:32.000 You were always trying to get better.
00:11:33.000 You were always tweaking things.
00:11:36.000 Kind of like we all do.
00:11:37.000 We all have a real similar style in that.
00:11:39.000 We don't have a monologue that's prepared and that we do the exact same way all the time.
00:11:44.000 No, store guys can't do that.
00:11:46.000 When it comes down for a showcase for Montreal or Conan or something, we have to just start to go up and go, so I was at the store.
00:11:53.000 You ever notice...
00:11:54.000 Comedy store guys fail at that.
00:11:56.000 When there's eight people in the audience, comedy store people fail.
00:11:59.000 You can't just go right into material.
00:12:01.000 Yeah.
00:12:01.000 They're like, this is not what I'm supposed to do here.
00:12:02.000 I should do crowd work for seven people.
00:12:04.000 Yeah.
00:12:04.000 So I'm not, yeah, we can't do it.
00:12:06.000 It just seems weird because that place you're so used to, the honesty of the place.
00:12:11.000 It fights contrivance, and then here you are needing to be contrived.
00:12:14.000 So yeah.
00:12:14.000 So go ahead.
00:12:15.000 Sorry to interrupt you.
00:12:15.000 So Ari is doing, you know, he's doing stand-up at the store.
00:12:18.000 Ah.
00:12:20.000 I started taking you on the road.
00:12:22.000 That's where you found me.
00:12:23.000 What'd you find me?
00:12:24.000 How'd you find me at the store?
00:12:25.000 Yeah, but we were friendly and stuff.
00:12:26.000 You were cool.
00:12:27.000 You hung out, you know.
00:12:29.000 But like, how'd you go from that to like, hey, come open for me once?
00:12:32.000 Because I saw that there was something going on, man.
00:12:35.000 Would you even come by for the open mic?
00:12:37.000 Yeah!
00:12:38.000 Dude, I was there all the time.
00:12:40.000 I lived at the store, basically.
00:12:41.000 You know, when I was doing stand-up in the early 90s, from 94 to, like, whatever it was that I stopped going there.
00:12:47.000 I was probably doing late spots.
00:12:48.000 I was probably already a paid regular.
00:12:49.000 I was doing late, late spots by then.
00:12:50.000 I saw you before you were a paid regular, dude.
00:12:52.000 I saw you way before you were a paid regular.
00:12:54.000 We became friends when you were first starting out there.
00:12:57.000 Really?
00:12:57.000 Yeah, man.
00:12:58.000 You were working there.
00:12:59.000 You were working there.
00:13:00.000 You were one of the kids working there.
00:13:01.000 We were always cool.
00:13:02.000 We were always talking in the parking lot.
00:13:04.000 Oh, yeah.
00:13:04.000 You used to get me high.
00:13:05.000 You had that marijuana soda once before anybody knew what it was.
00:13:10.000 It is the days when you couldn't get where you were still at the feet of Buddy Bolton learning how to fucking free pot game.
00:13:15.000 Yeah, I was...
00:13:16.000 Buddy Bolton?
00:13:16.000 Was that his name?
00:13:17.000 Which guy?
00:13:18.000 The guy who first had the medical marijuana license.
00:13:20.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:13:21.000 Was that his last name?
00:13:22.000 Bolton?
00:13:22.000 Buddy Bolton?
00:13:23.000 I think so.
00:13:24.000 Goddamn, that sounds right.
00:13:24.000 Yeah.
00:13:25.000 He was a cool dude.
00:13:25.000 Whatever happened to that guy?
00:13:26.000 Yeah, totally cool.
00:13:26.000 I don't know.
00:13:27.000 His picture's up in the cellar of those montage pictures.
00:13:31.000 But anyway.
00:13:31.000 Damn.
00:13:32.000 But yeah, it was like you couldn't go to a store and buy it.
00:13:34.000 It was just legal if you had this card, but it wasn't usable.
00:13:36.000 You had to be sneaky as fuck.
00:13:38.000 And I was getting mine from this place in the hood.
00:13:45.000 Really?
00:13:45.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:13:46.000 It was in the hood.
00:13:47.000 I was trying to remember.
00:13:48.000 I kept the card for like the longest time.
00:13:51.000 Inglewood.
00:13:51.000 It was in Inglewood.
00:13:52.000 The Inglewood Wellness Center.
00:13:53.000 That's what it's called.
00:13:55.000 Wellness or herbal.
00:13:56.000 There were the nicest folks that run that place.
00:13:59.000 They were so nice.
00:14:02.000 I hadn't been there for a while and I was thinking about, man, I should go down there and buy some from them just to give them some love because they're really nice guys.
00:14:09.000 But one of the guys got shot.
00:14:12.000 Really?
00:14:12.000 Yeah, one of the guys got robbed there at gunpoint and shot in the stomach.
00:14:16.000 Fuck.
00:14:17.000 Yeah, and he lived, but I'm like, whoa.
00:14:20.000 What am I doing?
00:14:20.000 They got robbed because they had a lot of money on hand, cash, because they were taking everything in cash.
00:14:27.000 And most of them didn't have credit cards until, like, fairly recently.
00:14:30.000 Right, right, right.
00:14:31.000 They were like, no, we don't do that.
00:14:33.000 So they were selling weed, and everybody knew they were selling weed, and so they got robbed, and he got shot.
00:14:38.000 It's hard to talk about that, man.
00:14:40.000 Damn, it sucks.
00:14:40.000 Because they were such gentle people.
00:14:43.000 If you knew these guys...
00:14:43.000 But people saw them, and they're like, we can take advantage of this.
00:14:46.000 If you knew the dude who got shot, he was such a gentle guy.
00:14:49.000 He was such a sweetheart, like what you think of as a classic older stoner.
00:14:55.000 Like, hey man, how you doing, man?
00:14:57.000 Good to see you, brother.
00:14:58.000 Good to see you.
00:14:59.000 Give me a hug, man.
00:15:00.000 How are you, man?
00:15:01.000 You're like, everything cool.
00:15:02.000 Always friendly.
00:15:03.000 Always positive.
00:15:06.000 And they would laugh and laugh and crack jokes and just talk about weed.
00:15:10.000 Talk about life and all kinds of shit.
00:15:12.000 And this guy got shot selling weed.
00:15:14.000 Damn.
00:15:16.000 So I stopped going there.
00:15:17.000 Yeah, but the weed you brought around was fucking tremendous.
00:15:20.000 Those guys hooked it up back in the day.
00:15:23.000 I mean, this is like 99 or something like that?
00:15:27.000 What year was that?
00:15:28.000 No, I started at 99, so this is 2000, 2001, 2002. Yeah, somewhere around there makes sense, because that's around when I started hanging out with Eddie Bravo.
00:15:36.000 He corrupted me.
00:15:38.000 He corrupted me and I corrupted you.
00:15:40.000 I referred to Rogan as El Diablo for about seven months.
00:15:45.000 Because I'd be in the front.
00:15:46.000 It'd be 1.45 in the morning.
00:15:48.000 I'd put away all the chairs.
00:15:49.000 I'm just sitting in the front chair looking out at sunset so high and just thinking, get out of me!
00:15:54.000 Get out of me!
00:15:57.000 And it wouldn't leave.
00:15:58.000 Dude, we had some fun.
00:16:00.000 We did shows where we were so high we should definitely not have been talking to people.
00:16:05.000 Anybody.
00:16:05.000 But they went great, man.
00:16:07.000 You just got to kind of trust in you.
00:16:08.000 I wouldn't get high in those days on stage.
00:16:09.000 I would just get high to be around.
00:16:11.000 You got hot and went on stage a bunch of times though back then.
00:16:14.000 Later, yeah.
00:16:15.000 The one in Boston?
00:16:17.000 There was that one in Boston.
00:16:18.000 That was the first time.
00:16:21.000 That was the first time.
00:16:22.000 Rogan refused to let me not get hot.
00:16:24.000 He goes, hey, let's get hot.
00:16:25.000 We were going, the hotel was like across the street.
00:16:27.000 Yeah.
00:16:28.000 And we were like, I was up there, I'm like, come on, man, we gotta go, we gotta go.
00:16:30.000 And he's like, all right, quick, get high first.
00:16:31.000 I was like, what?
00:16:32.000 I'm gonna be on stage in fucking 18 minutes.
00:16:36.000 And you were like, nah, who cares?
00:16:37.000 I'm like, no, I won't be able to be good.
00:16:39.000 He goes, who do you think you work for?
00:16:40.000 You work for this 480 seat room?
00:16:42.000 Or do you think you work for me?
00:16:44.000 And I was like, yeah, I guess you.
00:16:46.000 And he goes, I don't care if you fail, so fucking get high!
00:16:49.000 What was important to me to tell you is that you can't get fired.
00:16:52.000 Right, that's what it was.
00:16:53.000 You can't get fired.
00:16:53.000 Just go have fun.
00:16:54.000 Nothing bad will happen.
00:16:54.000 Yeah, you can't get fired.
00:16:56.000 You're learning how to do this.
00:16:58.000 You'd only been doing it a couple years.
00:16:59.000 You're writing jokes.
00:17:00.000 You're trying to shit out.
00:17:01.000 I'm like, just go out there and have some fun.
00:17:03.000 Be you.
00:17:04.000 But I was not at the tolerance that you were at.
00:17:07.000 I could only be me in the second show.
00:17:09.000 By the second show, I had come out.
00:17:11.000 The first show, I was gone.
00:17:12.000 Fire on the second show, though.
00:17:14.000 You were on fire.
00:17:16.000 Yeah.
00:17:16.000 I remember that because you had gotten into this crazy place where you're like, when you get high, there's this point in the beginning where you're like...
00:17:23.000 It's dangerous.
00:17:24.000 The danger zone.
00:17:25.000 I'm skiing.
00:17:26.000 That'll make you...
00:17:27.000 Yeah, exactly.
00:17:28.000 You're skiing.
00:17:29.000 You're going down a mountain.
00:17:30.000 You're fucking not sure you can stop.
00:17:31.000 Yeah, and that's what makes you leave parties early.
00:17:33.000 You gotta overcome the danger zone.
00:17:36.000 And then it takes you into what?
00:17:38.000 Then you get into this introspective, really articulate zone.
00:17:43.000 You get into an area where you're more articulate than you are when you're not smoking.
00:17:47.000 You're cool.
00:17:48.000 I think it's over the top of the mountain.
00:17:50.000 So then you're like, okay, I know that's as high as I was going to get.
00:17:52.000 Yeah, I'm not scared.
00:17:53.000 Now I'm coasting.
00:17:54.000 I'm not scared anymore.
00:17:55.000 Yeah.
00:17:56.000 Yeah, that's exactly what it is.
00:17:57.000 You get to this weird point where you're comfortable with the state, and then you can kind of relax.
00:18:04.000 And also, the effects of THC have diminished.
00:18:07.000 They'll diminish over an hour.
00:18:08.000 Yeah, but for you, that first part is 30 minutes.
00:18:10.000 For me, it was two and a half hours.
00:18:13.000 Sometimes it's longer than that, man.
00:18:15.000 Sometimes you're high the next day.
00:18:16.000 Oh, yeah.
00:18:16.000 If you eat a cookie or something like that, you could easily be high the next day.
00:18:19.000 My friend Aaron got me high in college on Kind Bud.
00:18:22.000 Did you have Kind Bud when you were...
00:18:24.000 That's just not real.
00:18:26.000 What does that mean?
00:18:26.000 Wait, hold on.
00:18:27.000 What did Kind Bud mean?
00:18:28.000 It just means good pot.
00:18:30.000 That's all it meant, which is good?
00:18:31.000 That's it.
00:18:31.000 It's just pot, man.
00:18:34.000 There was Kind Bud and there was swag.
00:18:37.000 I'm going to have...
00:18:38.000 I'm gonna have to have Todd McCormick come on and explain all of this.
00:18:43.000 He could be the guy.
00:18:44.000 The old terms?
00:18:44.000 He's coming on soon anyway.
00:18:46.000 He'll come on.
00:18:47.000 He's doing some giant weed expo in LA. Really?
00:18:50.000 He's gonna promote.
00:18:51.000 Yeah.
00:18:51.000 But he could tell you the actual history.
00:18:53.000 Like, he's an actual historian.
00:18:55.000 Got him, bud, bro.
00:18:56.000 We're just guessing.
00:18:57.000 He actually grows it.
00:18:57.000 I wonder if that meant sativa or indica.
00:18:59.000 Or if it doesn't mean good or bad.
00:19:01.000 I think it just means good weed.
00:19:02.000 I think there's wack weed.
00:19:03.000 There's Mexican dirt weed.
00:19:05.000 There's shitty weed.
00:19:06.000 It's high stick.
00:19:07.000 Yeah, but it's all weed.
00:19:09.000 But he gave me some, and I played golf with my aunt the next day.
00:19:14.000 And by hole five, I was just coming down.
00:19:17.000 I realized when we were hitting the guard, and she's a conservative person.
00:19:21.000 Her husband's like a lawyer, and it's conservative.
00:19:24.000 So once I realized I was high, I was like, keep your mouth shut.
00:19:28.000 Dude, but if you get that wave right, like the other night, Aubrey and I were playing pool.
00:19:34.000 And I don't really play that much anymore, man.
00:19:36.000 I don't get a chance.
00:19:37.000 I don't play in tournaments anymore.
00:19:38.000 I don't get a chance to play too many, like, sometimes Dom Arara and I will get together.
00:19:42.000 Or Greg Fitzsimmons plays pretty good.
00:19:44.000 We'll get together.
00:19:44.000 You play pretty good.
00:19:46.000 We'll get together and knock some balls around, but I'm not playing real players in tournaments anymore.
00:19:51.000 But every now and then, you get high and you remember what to do.
00:19:56.000 You remember how to do it.
00:19:57.000 The other day I got in the zone.
00:19:58.000 Let me just get high real quick.
00:19:59.000 I got in the zone for five, six shots in a row.
00:20:02.000 I started running out this table, getting out over and over and over again.
00:20:07.000 In a way that I really shouldn't be able to do because I'm really not practicing that much.
00:20:10.000 But I just got into this zone.
00:20:11.000 It was very temporary.
00:20:12.000 I couldn't hold it, but I knew it was all the weed.
00:20:14.000 I knew it.
00:20:15.000 I know how to play pool a little bit, but I'm in this crazy sensitive zone where I know how to control that ball better.
00:20:22.000 It's two ways it can hit you.
00:20:23.000 I do it on basketball, and sometimes in basketball, it's like someone will throw you a pass, and while it's in the air, you go, okay, what are my options here when this ball gets to me?
00:20:31.000 I got him cutting.
00:20:32.000 I could pass to him.
00:20:33.000 I could shoot.
00:20:34.000 I could pass it back.
00:20:36.000 And it's like, all right, I'm ready.
00:20:37.000 I think I'm ready.
00:20:37.000 And then the ball comes to you.
00:20:39.000 Other times, that ball just hits you in the face.
00:20:41.000 Ha ha ha!
00:20:43.000 Ha ha ha!
00:20:43.000 Ha ha ha!
00:20:46.000 It's so true!
00:20:47.000 Everyone's like, why are you playing high?
00:20:49.000 It's so true.
00:20:51.000 It's so true.
00:20:53.000 That's the same with jiu-jitsu as well.
00:20:54.000 Oh, yeah, absolutely.
00:20:56.000 People love smoking pot and doing jiu-jitsu too because I think it makes you focus on what you're doing rather than being uncomfortable with what you're doing.
00:21:07.000 It lets you really just be in the moment in some strange way.
00:21:11.000 That's counterintuitive for people who don't smoke pot.
00:21:14.000 It couldn't help you.
00:21:16.000 Yeah.
00:21:16.000 It's also like what we would do when we were doing that, when we'd get really high and go on stage.
00:21:21.000 What we were doing was, I was like, I know that when we get really high and we sit around and talk, we have some of the coolest conversations.
00:21:28.000 You come up with some funnier things.
00:21:29.000 Yeah.
00:21:30.000 It's funner to riff on that when you're high.
00:21:32.000 Yeah.
00:21:33.000 Don't matter sets at the Comedy Store are good when you're high.
00:21:36.000 You say a joke and then you just think of something ridiculous on top of it.
00:21:40.000 You talk about flying giraffe pussy people.
00:21:43.000 Those don't come out unless you're stoned.
00:21:46.000 So once in a while you need that.
00:21:47.000 But if you're doing a showcase, if you're like, here's the exact set I want to run, then it's not the greatest thing in the world to do.
00:21:53.000 Yeah.
00:21:53.000 Well, yeah, sometimes it's not.
00:21:55.000 Ren and ZZ asked me before he taped his special a couple years ago.
00:21:59.000 He was like, hey, what do you do for weed?
00:22:02.000 I was like, I smoke like two hours before, hour and a half before, you know?
00:22:06.000 Yeah, let it taper off.
00:22:08.000 Yeah, don't risk having it too high that time, but yeah.
00:22:11.000 It's dangerous.
00:22:13.000 Could be danger, but if you get past that and you get to that calm spot, then you really...
00:22:18.000 Yeah, man.
00:22:20.000 And that's where a lot of comedy comes from.
00:22:22.000 We just sold a really bad bill of goods in this country when it comes to marijuana.
00:22:27.000 And it's just automatically associated with people that are lazy, automatically associated with people that are dumb.
00:22:32.000 Yeah.
00:22:32.000 I smoke more than ever.
00:22:34.000 Yeah.
00:22:34.000 I have two specials and a show this year.
00:22:36.000 Yeah.
00:22:37.000 It's only the first quarter.
00:22:39.000 It's not bad.
00:22:41.000 It makes you more aware.
00:22:43.000 It makes you more sensitive.
00:22:44.000 And that also brings the paranora.
00:22:46.000 But I knew that, like, you know, if you just got used to doing it, you would love it.
00:22:51.000 Oh, yeah.
00:22:51.000 It's fucking around.
00:22:52.000 Yeah, especially when you're fucking around on stage.
00:22:54.000 Do you ever go back and apologize to the people you shit on for smoking pot?
00:22:57.000 I should.
00:22:58.000 I don't know who they were.
00:22:59.000 Yeah, I wonder.
00:23:01.000 Well, it was people that were already, like, failing.
00:23:03.000 That was the problem.
00:23:04.000 The people that I knew that were smoking pot all the time weren't doing anything with their lives.
00:23:09.000 I didn't know anybody that was like...
00:23:11.000 What'd you say to Joey Diaz?
00:23:12.000 Ralphie, people like that.
00:23:13.000 People that were smoking around the store.
00:23:15.000 Were there pot smokers back then?
00:23:17.000 Well, I definitely didn't smoke pot when I first met Joey, because when Joey used to hang around the...
00:23:22.000 There was no time he did not smoke pot.
00:23:23.000 No, he definitely smoked pot, but he ramped it up quite a bit.
00:23:28.000 I mean, he really ramped it up quite a bit when it became more and more available in the 90s, like the late 90s and the early 2000s, like right when I started smoking.
00:23:37.000 He had already ramped it up.
00:23:39.000 He was ramping it up.
00:23:40.000 He was getting fucking cookies from people back then.
00:23:43.000 And he quit the Coke.
00:23:46.000 Not then, I don't think so.
00:23:49.000 I think it was much later.
00:23:50.000 Oh, really?
00:23:50.000 We were good friends during the Coke days.
00:23:54.000 Joey and I were real good friends during the Coke days.
00:23:56.000 And it happened...
00:23:58.000 It happened consecutively with the death of my friend Johnny, who also had a coke thing.
00:24:07.000 So I knew the coke thing.
00:24:08.000 I knew what it was like to be around those guys.
00:24:11.000 So it wasn't the same time?
00:24:13.000 No, no.
00:24:15.000 Joey was high long before then.
00:24:17.000 And then the coke thing went back and forth into the time where I was already smoking weed.
00:24:23.000 I remember Joey in some city, Boston, Philly, something like that, we're all driving to a gig.
00:24:27.000 We saw these, like, 18-year-old kids, like, walking in front of our car to the show.
00:24:32.000 They're wearing, like, you know, Flying Monkey, whatever you call it.
00:24:36.000 What is it?
00:24:36.000 Talking about higher primate shirts.
00:24:38.000 Yeah, stuff like that.
00:24:39.000 And I'm like, oh, they're going to the show.
00:24:41.000 And then as they pass onto the driver's side, Dia's like, honk, honk.
00:24:44.000 And they honk, and they turn, and they see Dia's like, whoa, we're going to the show right now!
00:24:48.000 And he's like, they're like, we got these cookies!
00:24:50.000 And he just grabs one of you and throws it in his mouth.
00:24:52.000 And they're like, oh my god!
00:24:54.000 And then we just drove off.
00:24:56.000 For those kids, it's probably one of the coolest things ever.
00:25:00.000 Joey Diaz, man.
00:25:02.000 He was another one.
00:25:03.000 Like, when I first met him, and I started hanging out with him, you know, immediately, we started working together.
00:25:10.000 I think Joey and I did sets in the 90s, man.
00:25:13.000 Really?
00:25:13.000 For real?
00:25:14.000 Yeah, we did.
00:25:15.000 I think we did Rascals in New York, in New Jersey, rather.
00:25:18.000 I think we did that shit in the late 90s.
00:25:20.000 We started going on the road together.
00:25:22.000 Whenever he came to town, whenever it was, I was taking him on the road.
00:25:25.000 You liked him?
00:25:26.000 Loved him.
00:25:27.000 I loved him.
00:25:29.000 I just knew that this guy, I knew, like, if everybody could see this guy the way I see this guy, like, to me, he was just a joy.
00:25:38.000 That's cool.
00:25:39.000 He was just this guy who would come around and he would freak people out because he was really big back then.
00:25:43.000 He looked like a football player.
00:25:45.000 He was probably like 230. Oh, really?
00:25:48.000 240, maybe.
00:25:49.000 He's nowhere near that.
00:25:49.000 Well, he was, I don't even want to guess how, because Joey's a big guy.
00:25:53.000 Joey's about six feet tall.
00:25:56.000 And he's very wide.
00:25:57.000 You know, he's got that thick, like, Cuban build.
00:26:00.000 He's a thick fucker.
00:26:01.000 Before he was overweight.
00:26:02.000 It's crammed in like a Cuban sandwich.
00:26:04.000 Yeah, and he had a dangerous air about him.
00:26:06.000 He was like a dangerous dude.
00:26:08.000 Yeah, he had just left the life.
00:26:10.000 Yeah, I mean, he had been in prison just a few years prior.
00:26:13.000 And because I spent so much time hanging around pool halls when I lived in New Jersey, in New York, I liked those guys.
00:26:22.000 You got drawn to him from that.
00:26:23.000 Those guys are fun.
00:26:24.000 They're fun guys to hang around with.
00:26:26.000 Those guys were laughing at shit, and they were always the guys...
00:26:29.000 I mean, there was always trouble, like, you know, I've been around Joey, snapping at dudes, and where I was worried he might hit somebody with a bottle.
00:26:37.000 Joey gets fucking crazy.
00:26:38.000 I saw my friend Johnny, my friend Johnny who reminds me of Joey.
00:26:41.000 I saw him hit this guy in the head with a coffee mug.
00:26:44.000 Fuck his head up.
00:26:45.000 Really?
00:26:46.000 Yeah, he grabbed a coffee, but they got in some fight.
00:26:48.000 It was like, oh, to be around that kind of shit, man, you've got to know where the guy, like Joey was, like, he kept it together better than Johnny did.
00:26:55.000 Joey was, Joey's smarter in some ways, like socially.
00:26:59.000 Aware of you know how he's coming off Joey just you know, he's just a wild motherfucker that lived a wild life But he's I knew that he was like this great guy You know it's like this guy's like something.
00:27:10.000 He's so special Yeah, like he's like one of my favorite human beings of all time because he's just so genuinely him You know Joey's doesn't have any airs about him.
00:27:20.000 He's not he's not trying to pretend to be anybody No, you're right.
00:27:22.000 He totally is not trying to be anything else.
00:27:24.000 He figured out how to do it on stage and Yeah.
00:27:26.000 He was always the best at that, at being the exact same offstage and onstage.
00:27:29.000 Yeah.
00:27:30.000 He was the best at that, where there was really no difference between those two characters.
00:27:34.000 Yeah.
00:27:35.000 So we started going on the road together, like, right away.
00:27:37.000 I used to have a hard time following him, too, man.
00:27:40.000 There was a bunch of times in the beginning I realized, like, wow, this is...
00:27:43.000 I thought this is good, I gotta ramp it up.
00:27:47.000 But I'm like, man, I can't half-ass going on after this guy.
00:27:49.000 Yeah, because he's so strong.
00:27:51.000 He's so strong.
00:27:52.000 He would go on these...
00:27:53.000 The headliner killer.
00:27:54.000 Yeah, oh my god.
00:27:55.000 People would tell me, you know, like, what's wrong with you?
00:27:57.000 Like, why are you taking Joe Diaz on the road with you?
00:27:59.000 Like, do you want to follow that guy?
00:28:01.000 They would call him to teach people a lesson in towns.
00:28:03.000 They would, yeah.
00:28:04.000 Like, we're going to have Joey feature for you.
00:28:05.000 That's what they did to fucking Kevin Meaney in Miami.
00:28:08.000 Kevin Meaney at the Miami Improv, he's like, this prick, he's giving me a hard time, I'm gonna fucking book Diaz right in front of him.
00:28:12.000 The guy who ran the place was nuts, and he was Joey's friend.
00:28:15.000 And they were all doing the Colombian marching powder together.
00:28:20.000 And they set that weekend up.
00:28:22.000 So Joey Diaz goes on in a Cuban room, okay?
00:28:25.000 You're in Miami.
00:28:26.000 All Cubans.
00:28:27.000 Half of his act he does in Spanish.
00:28:30.000 Okay?
00:28:30.000 I'm not kidding.
00:28:31.000 I'm not fucking kidding.
00:28:32.000 And I mean...
00:28:33.000 Oh yeah, this was a one-man show in Spanish.
00:28:35.000 You could have lit everyone in that room on fire and kicked them in the balls and they would still be laughing.
00:28:42.000 He was crushing in a way that's like biblical.
00:28:46.000 You don't get to see that.
00:28:47.000 It's like these moments that happen.
00:28:49.000 They never get captured on film.
00:28:50.000 It's like a 10 o'clock show on a Friday night in Miami.
00:28:54.000 And he's crushing in a way.
00:28:57.000 You've got to step out of the room for a while just to catch your breath.
00:29:00.000 You've got to watch it with the door half open so you can wheeze and breathe.
00:29:05.000 And then they threw Kevin Meany on after him.
00:29:08.000 Just like, fuck you.
00:29:09.000 We're big pants people!
00:29:10.000 We have big pants!
00:29:12.000 He's used to killing.
00:29:13.000 Yeah.
00:29:13.000 And Meany's a funny guy.
00:29:15.000 He's a really funny guy.
00:29:16.000 That's funny.
00:29:17.000 So back to my billboard.
00:29:18.000 So anyway, I knew even way, way, way, way back then, you know, when you first started out, when I knew just talking to you, I'm like, this is a smart dude.
00:29:27.000 Smart dude, you're funny.
00:29:28.000 You're capable of making really good jokes sometimes.
00:29:32.000 Like, all you have to do is just keep going.
00:29:34.000 I just knew that.
00:29:35.000 And so to be your friend through this whole thing and to see you from, you know, your baby steps and stand up and trying to figure it out and all the years you try to get past the store, you know, that opening to your podcast when you talked about your Comedy Central special,
00:29:50.000 which is called Paid Regular.
00:29:53.000 Which is such a good special, but it's so strong, like what you did.
00:29:59.000 Because for the longest time, you weren't getting passive.
00:30:03.000 You were paid regular.
00:30:04.000 It was the biggest fucking hurdle I had to get over.
00:30:06.000 It took a long time.
00:30:07.000 It was way easier for me.
00:30:09.000 I got in pretty quick because of the Todd.
00:30:12.000 And because I was already headlined.
00:30:13.000 Yeah, and you came in as a developed guy.
00:30:15.000 I started there.
00:30:16.000 I was, you know, I was still, I sucked.
00:30:18.000 But I was, I had some shit.
00:30:21.000 I had some shit that would occasionally kill.
00:30:23.000 I just hadn't figured out how to put it all together yet.
00:30:25.000 But the store is where I learned how to put it all together.
00:30:28.000 Oh, really?
00:30:29.000 Yeah, man.
00:30:30.000 Fuck yeah.
00:30:31.000 Yeah, I learned, dude.
00:30:32.000 Going on after Martin Lawrence in the main room on a fucking Saturday night when he was, when he was doing those, when he was doing those concert movies.
00:30:39.000 In the movies, man.
00:30:40.000 With the giant X on his shirt?
00:30:41.000 Yes.
00:30:41.000 Remember that one?
00:30:42.000 Dude, I followed him.
00:30:43.000 The leather X? Yeah, the leather jumpsuit on.
00:30:45.000 I followed him.
00:30:47.000 You can't even say I ate it, because there was no reaction.
00:30:51.000 Really?
00:30:51.000 Oh, God.
00:30:52.000 It was just death.
00:30:53.000 That's the coolest thing.
00:30:54.000 It's like, headliner shows over, you're like, no, there's going to be four more young comics on who are just learning how to do comedy.
00:31:00.000 It's the worst environment.
00:31:01.000 Yeah, I mean, I guess I ate it, but ate it is just not a good enough word.
00:31:05.000 Ate it, like, when you eat it, you can eat it, and you can still kind of like half-ass a few laughs here and there.
00:31:11.000 It's way worse than ate it.
00:31:13.000 I ate...
00:31:15.000 There was no breathing.
00:31:17.000 If an F is a 55, 58, you know?
00:31:20.000 I got a 12. It's like it's beyond F. I just fucking rotted up there.
00:31:25.000 And I did that all the time.
00:31:27.000 I did that after Dice.
00:31:29.000 I used to do that after anyone that was any good.
00:31:31.000 I did it after Damon Wayans.
00:31:34.000 I did it after...
00:31:35.000 That's what Mitzi would do.
00:31:36.000 She would just shove you on.
00:31:37.000 And so I learned there.
00:31:40.000 And when you started coming up, I just saw, I just knew it.
00:31:46.000 I just knew it.
00:31:47.000 I'm like, you could do it.
00:31:48.000 Yeah, you would come hang out at the employee time, too.
00:31:50.000 You came to that time where all the employees would do each other's jokes.
00:31:53.000 You had to pick out of a hat, you get this guy's joke.
00:31:55.000 That was fun.
00:31:56.000 Yeah, and everyone did one.
00:31:57.000 You were making fun of certain people like, I've never seen this material that funny.
00:32:01.000 But you knew the other guys doing it.
00:32:03.000 You came from the employee time a lot.
00:32:06.000 Yeah.
00:32:06.000 Well, like I said, we all think this now.
00:32:10.000 We all sort of share this idea now that we're all just comics.
00:32:14.000 And that's the beautiful thing about the store is that there's this fraternity where there's guys that are part of it that are really just starting out, man.
00:32:21.000 And there's other guys that have been around it for like Russell Peters.
00:32:23.000 Well, that's the cool thing.
00:32:24.000 At the store, you have these door guys who are like a lot of people that are like major professionals now.
00:32:29.000 We're also door guys there.
00:32:31.000 Worked the booth, worked the phone.
00:32:33.000 So it's not like, excuse me, employee.
00:32:34.000 It's like, oh, excuse me, someone who was just like this friend of mine.
00:32:37.000 Caparulo was a door guy.
00:32:39.000 I was a door guy.
00:32:40.000 Renizzisi.
00:32:41.000 You know, from the league.
00:32:42.000 These are people that started fucking mopping up vomit.
00:32:45.000 So when you see the new guys mopping up vomit, and I see them now fucking around with Don Barris later night and really growing for the first time.
00:32:51.000 Dude, we passed this kid on the way back.
00:32:53.000 Who was with us?
00:32:54.000 Did you go?
00:32:55.000 No.
00:32:56.000 Oh, Red Band.
00:32:57.000 We were coming back from The Standard.
00:32:59.000 We Red Band and Pete.
00:33:00.000 And this guy just left the store.
00:33:02.000 And I was late and I goes, I saw boobs!
00:33:04.000 Like, what?
00:33:05.000 Like, the girl took her boobs out?
00:33:06.000 I felt them?
00:33:09.000 Like, where?
00:33:10.000 It's like, just now, Barris was in the back and he got this girl.
00:33:13.000 And then I remember, like, it's the degenerating of these.
00:33:16.000 And it's what it was.
00:33:17.000 You start with, like, as a beautiful, pure kid, you're met with this awful degeneracy.
00:33:22.000 Like, who are these people?
00:33:23.000 El Diablo.
00:33:24.000 What are they doing?
00:33:25.000 The drugs and the fucking and the different, like, depravity.
00:33:29.000 The dark side.
00:33:30.000 And then you just get changed.
00:33:32.000 I remember some waitress, May, some really beautiful, like Latino, real thin and like real pure look.
00:33:37.000 And I was seating the open micers and someone was yelling.
00:33:41.000 I was like, shut the fuck up or I'll kick you out.
00:33:43.000 No more warnings.
00:33:44.000 And she just goes, you've changed.
00:33:46.000 And it does.
00:33:47.000 It changes all of them.
00:33:47.000 This kid had never felt a boob before.
00:33:49.000 The idea that he could feel some girl's tits when people are watching and laughing.
00:33:54.000 So it just, the darkness of the room.
00:33:56.000 It makes you a comic.
00:33:57.000 The darkness of the room.
00:33:58.000 Yeah.
00:34:00.000 Dragged you into its fire.
00:34:02.000 Dragged you into hell.
00:34:02.000 It invites you in and then says, I'll give you the option.
00:34:05.000 Do you want to take the pill?
00:34:06.000 Do you want to leave?
00:34:06.000 Well, it also, like, I think there was echoes of the 80s, what Sam Kinison did to that place.
00:34:11.000 Back in the crazy Wild Coke days when he was the number one comic in the world.
00:34:15.000 And, you know, everybody would come to see his shows and he would do these midnight spots.
00:34:19.000 Yeah.
00:34:19.000 You know those days like that craziness of that time all those crazy fucked up people on their drugs The echoes were still like running through that building.
00:34:27.000 Yeah, you're right people are still like returning and then they would be get more people returning That's just an excuse to use the word beget Right time to throw it out there So you went through this long development period and you did it mostly at the store and then on the road,
00:34:57.000 you know, when we would do gigs together.
00:35:00.000 You saw the whole thing, I mean, from the beginning.
00:35:02.000 That road stuff was super instrumental, being able to spread my wings and be like, oh, okay, here's what it is, here's what I've been learning for.
00:35:09.000 It's not just sparring.
00:35:11.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:35:12.000 That's something I never got from anybody else.
00:35:14.000 Really?
00:35:15.000 No.
00:35:15.000 I never really had that opportunity to have someone take me with me.
00:35:19.000 And you can see what better comedy is on a night-to-night basis and see beyond just what your jokes are than how you're doing them and, you know, when you go after Heckler, when you don't.
00:35:27.000 And that was the best thing about learning at the store, too.
00:35:29.000 You see these great comics.
00:35:31.000 You see Paul Mooney command a stage and you're like, oh, how does he do that?
00:35:35.000 You don't get to just watch once.
00:35:36.000 You get to watch 45 times in three months.
00:35:39.000 And you start to understand it.
00:35:40.000 To work there like you did, it's an unbelievable education.
00:35:43.000 I mean, that's what happened with Eleanor.
00:35:46.000 Eleanor Kerrigan, our friend, who was a waitress there forever.
00:35:48.000 She wasn't a comic, but she was hilarious!
00:35:51.000 And she was also a great judge of talent.
00:35:54.000 Like, if some dude was in from out of town, I would go, how is he?
00:35:57.000 And she'd be like, oh, fuck.
00:35:58.000 Yeah, she saw it so much.
00:35:59.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:36:00.000 She would know.
00:36:02.000 Like, she would nail it.
00:36:03.000 Or she would go, he's fucking funny.
00:36:06.000 You gotta watch this guy.
00:36:07.000 He's fucking funny.
00:36:08.000 And if Eleanor told me that, I was sitting down.
00:36:11.000 Right.
00:36:11.000 I'm like, great.
00:36:12.000 This guy's gonna be really good.
00:36:13.000 Let's see what's up.
00:36:14.000 Yeah, she would call managers and agents and tell them, yeah, this person's for real.
00:36:17.000 She's awesome.
00:36:18.000 So nice to see her doing stand-up.
00:36:20.000 So you went through all this struggle, and then over the last few years, everything has fucking taken off.
00:36:26.000 You have a Comedy Central special.
00:36:29.000 You sold your last special of Comedy Central.
00:36:31.000 And it airs this Friday.
00:36:32.000 It airs this Friday at midnight on Comedy Central.
00:36:35.000 Midnight Eastern, I think 11 and 10, the other time zones.
00:36:38.000 And you can buy it right now.
00:36:39.000 There's a banner, it should be up really soon, right now at rethegreat.com.
00:36:43.000 You can get it for pay what you, I'm doing pay what you want.
00:36:46.000 Pay what you want.
00:36:47.000 I think they're saying you gotta do a dollar.
00:36:48.000 That's glorious.
00:36:49.000 Because it's their system, but fuck it.
00:36:51.000 I love it.
00:36:52.000 Yeah.
00:36:52.000 So, all this has happened over the last few years.
00:36:55.000 Yes.
00:36:55.000 And you get this Comedy Central show.
00:36:57.000 The show that you're on.
00:36:59.000 The show that I'm on.
00:37:00.000 On Thursday.
00:37:00.000 Thursday night.
00:37:01.000 It's called This Is Not Happening.
00:37:03.000 And there's a billboard.
00:37:06.000 This is not Ari's idea.
00:37:07.000 He didn't ask for this.
00:37:09.000 There's a billboard above his old fucking apartment.
00:37:13.000 And the billboard above your old fucking apartment is that this is not happening with you.
00:37:20.000 I mean, this is America, bro.
00:37:22.000 A giant picture of me.
00:37:23.000 Fuck an eagle.
00:37:25.000 Yeah.
00:37:26.000 This is America.
00:37:27.000 What you are in that picture.
00:37:30.000 Go to my Instagram.
00:37:30.000 Look at that picture.
00:37:31.000 Because you can see the window of my old apartment.
00:37:34.000 Look at that picture.
00:37:36.000 That's one of my favorite pictures of all time.
00:37:38.000 Look at that fucking picture, man.
00:37:40.000 You're so happy.
00:37:42.000 You did it.
00:37:43.000 That's officially you did it.
00:37:46.000 Was that last night, Jamie?
00:37:47.000 No.
00:37:47.000 Oh.
00:37:48.000 I mean, if you go off the wall crazy and jump off a fucking building...
00:37:54.000 Yeah, I had a billboard in my...
00:37:55.000 You did it.
00:37:55.000 Yeah.
00:37:56.000 It's pretty...
00:37:56.000 I don't know.
00:37:57.000 I've gotten so much...
00:37:57.000 People are so much more excited about this than the show or the special.
00:38:00.000 Well, the show's awesome.
00:38:02.000 You know, the show's awesome.
00:38:04.000 It's great.
00:38:04.000 But there's something so nutty about the visual of that billboard above your old apartment.
00:38:10.000 The fact that it's right there is so goddamn crazy.
00:38:14.000 That's your fucking apartment!
00:38:15.000 Yeah, look at that.
00:38:16.000 Where my head is sticking out.
00:38:17.000 That's my bedroom window.
00:38:19.000 This is insane.
00:38:20.000 This is like some real weird simulation shit thing.
00:38:25.000 That's so fucking weird.
00:38:26.000 It's amazing.
00:38:27.000 Yeah, in a movie you'd be like, no fucking way.
00:38:30.000 I've never been happier for someone else...
00:38:33.000 Thanks.
00:38:34.000 ...than watching this happen to you.
00:38:36.000 I've never been happier.
00:38:37.000 It's amazing to see, dude.
00:38:38.000 It's so cool.
00:38:40.000 It's so fucking cool.
00:38:42.000 It's wild.
00:38:44.000 That doesn't even seem like...
00:38:45.000 Again, if that was in a movie, he'd be like, come on.
00:38:48.000 They'd put a fucking billboard right next to his apartment.
00:38:51.000 He'd be like, no way, man.
00:38:52.000 Come on.
00:38:52.000 Make it down the street.
00:38:53.000 That would still be something.
00:38:54.000 Yeah, and there would be a conspiracy theory.
00:38:56.000 Oh, he fucking...
00:38:57.000 Of course he told them he wanted the billboard above his old apartment.
00:39:01.000 Nobody believed.
00:39:02.000 It's the Comedy Central billboard.
00:39:03.000 They bought it like five years ago.
00:39:04.000 Yeah.
00:39:05.000 And they've been putting stuff up there.
00:39:06.000 By the way, you lived there way before that.
00:39:09.000 Oh yeah, way before that.
00:39:10.000 Exactly.
00:39:11.000 But man, it sucked also walking under it going like, fuck, Crow Show Billboard.
00:39:16.000 I wish I could get one one day.
00:39:19.000 That's hard, man.
00:39:20.000 But listen, everyone's listening right now.
00:39:21.000 Set your DVRs.
00:39:22.000 There's two episodes left that is not happening.
00:39:25.000 1230 on Thursday nights.
00:39:26.000 Rogan's on this one, and you can see his clip on YouTube right now.
00:39:30.000 And set your DVR for...
00:39:32.000 Passive aggressive on Friday at midnight because if everybody watches it in DVRs the first time, they'll run it a bunch more.
00:39:38.000 So that first time is really important.
00:39:40.000 How much do they know about DVRs?
00:39:42.000 They get the info?
00:39:43.000 I don't know.
00:39:43.000 They get the info when people are recording it?
00:39:45.000 Wow, that's interesting.
00:39:47.000 So all you freaks out there with weird shit on your DVR. They're playing my other one a lot more now because everybody fucking watched it.
00:39:52.000 Thank you guys for fucking watching and DVRing it.
00:39:54.000 Once that first one comes in, then they're super happy with it.
00:39:58.000 So I wonder if you have something on your DVR and you play it more than once, if they know you're playing it more than once.
00:40:02.000 I don't know if it means if you want to watch it for them to register or just DVR it.
00:40:07.000 Yeah, right?
00:40:08.000 Everyone, right now, help me out.
00:40:09.000 Just DVR both those things right now.
00:40:11.000 What if we found out that if you just DVR and watch it, that that just runs up the number?
00:40:16.000 And then we get these Chinese people.
00:40:17.000 To sit and watch all day?
00:40:19.000 Yeah, you just have, you know, just gigantic rooms full of people with TVs and DVRs and just tell them to keep press repeats.
00:40:26.000 Press play.
00:40:27.000 And you just have this giant bank of people making like five cents an hour.
00:40:31.000 All these Chinese people.
00:40:32.000 And they're like, you know, we can program something for you.
00:40:34.000 Like, no!
00:40:35.000 Shut up!
00:40:35.000 Work!
00:40:35.000 He's mining DVR hits.
00:40:39.000 And it just shows, Ari Shafir, the number one television show in human history.
00:40:45.000 Everyone with a DVR watches it.
00:40:48.000 They're scientifically shown.
00:40:49.000 Like, what?
00:40:50.000 Yeah, just keep hitting, hitting, hitting.
00:40:52.000 Yeah, run his giant factory, Ari Shafir's sweatshop.
00:40:55.000 Wonder how it works.
00:40:56.000 Um, so I didn't know if they knew how to check if people record it.
00:40:59.000 They do get the numbers like a few days.
00:41:01.000 They get the first numbers and they get the second numbers.
00:41:02.000 What are the numbers like for like satellite TV? Can they tell how many people are watching what shows and when?
00:41:09.000 And people have an issue with that, right?
00:41:10.000 People don't want to get labeled.
00:41:11.000 They don't want, yeah, so I watch Fox News 23 hours a day.
00:41:14.000 It doesn't mean I want to kill the president.
00:41:16.000 Right, they don't want to get labeled.
00:41:17.000 But here's the problem.
00:41:18.000 So I fucking signed into my...
00:41:21.000 Something.
00:41:22.000 Through a server or something.
00:41:23.000 And my YouTube thinks I'm Mexican now.
00:41:25.000 What?
00:41:26.000 Yeah.
00:41:26.000 All the commercials are in Spanish.
00:41:28.000 It's always offering me fucking...
00:41:31.000 Tacos?
00:41:32.000 Pickup trucks, tacos, all that shit, bro.
00:41:34.000 It totally thinks I'm Spanish.
00:41:35.000 Not like, I'm joking, he thinks I'm Spanish.
00:41:37.000 It thinks I live in Mexico.
00:41:39.000 What?
00:41:40.000 Yeah, or Spain, or something.
00:41:41.000 It's only giving me fucking Spanish commercials.
00:41:44.000 There's probably a preference settings, isn't there?
00:41:46.000 Soboro Gigante?
00:41:47.000 Mira Saturday Night?
00:41:49.000 I'm getting ads for that all the time.
00:41:50.000 After this is over, young Jamie will sort that.
00:41:52.000 Yeah, maybe.
00:41:53.000 We gotta log in.
00:41:54.000 He'll find out what the fuck is up with it.
00:41:56.000 I'm sure there's something you just missed.
00:41:57.000 Yeah.
00:41:58.000 In your stone stupor.
00:41:59.000 It's been cool though, man.
00:42:00.000 People show up to my shows now and they're like, I saw the show or I saw your stand-up instead of like...
00:42:06.000 And it's nice that people know me from podcasts or The Amazing Race, but it's like, oh, that's what I do.
00:42:11.000 That's what I want you to see me from.
00:42:13.000 From my stand-up, from preparing and developing material.
00:42:17.000 Yeah.
00:42:18.000 And they like it.
00:42:19.000 Yeah.
00:42:19.000 They just had to know.
00:42:21.000 That's a big thing that's going on right now.
00:42:23.000 It's like you just have to know about someone.
00:42:26.000 Get the chance to watch.
00:42:27.000 Yeah.
00:42:28.000 These are really funny guys.
00:42:29.000 You just don't know about them.
00:42:30.000 But if people knew about them, it's not that the product's not there.
00:42:33.000 You don't know about it.
00:42:34.000 It's awkward to figure out the delivery device.
00:42:37.000 Do you remember the first time when you were a 14-year-old?
00:42:39.000 The first time you found out about Saturday Night Live?
00:42:42.000 And you were like...
00:42:44.000 Because it's made for 14 to 23-year-olds.
00:42:46.000 But at the time, it was really great.
00:42:48.000 And you're like, I didn't know TV could be this funny.
00:42:50.000 This out there.
00:42:51.000 This is amazing.
00:42:52.000 But it was just as good the week before you knew about it.
00:42:55.000 You just hadn't been made aware.
00:42:57.000 And it's this thing you would have loved if you just gave it a chance or just turned it on or just had your mom be out of town so you could stay up late.
00:43:04.000 Like you're finding about a new band or something.
00:43:06.000 And then you go back and listen to their old stuff.
00:43:08.000 Yeah.
00:43:08.000 There's always going to be something like that.
00:43:11.000 But with stand-up comedy, I think it's kind of important for everybody that's involved in it to keep helping and supporting young comics.
00:43:21.000 Keep encouraging young comics.
00:43:24.000 Because one of the reasons why stand-up is in a really good place right now is a lot of people that go to comedy clubs and shows are being real successful.
00:43:31.000 It's because there's so many funny guys.
00:43:32.000 Right.
00:43:33.000 That's what it is.
00:43:33.000 It's not that you don't want to be the only one person doing it.
00:43:37.000 No, you want to get a full good show.
00:43:38.000 Well, you also want a giant industry.
00:43:41.000 You want a giant...
00:43:42.000 More people go to see comedy.
00:43:44.000 They enjoy it.
00:43:44.000 It's fun for us.
00:43:46.000 Look, Carrot Top never hurt comedy.
00:43:48.000 No.
00:43:48.000 Carrot Top is not my taste.
00:43:49.000 Although, I'll be honest, Carrot Top is my taste.
00:43:52.000 It's so fucking silly and dumb.
00:43:53.000 It's funny.
00:43:54.000 It's funny, dude.
00:43:54.000 I don't mind Carrot Top at all.
00:43:55.000 But whenever we're shitting on Carrot Top, at least it means people are going out to see comedy.
00:43:59.000 Yes.
00:43:59.000 And they're like, oh, stand-up is funny.
00:44:00.000 And then maybe they'll discover the stuff they're really into.
00:44:03.000 Yeah.
00:44:03.000 It's way more specific to them.
00:44:04.000 Or maybe that's like their speed.
00:44:06.000 Exactly.
00:44:06.000 They like Carrot Top, which is funny too.
00:44:08.000 Yeah.
00:44:08.000 I think that it's super important that we encourage more people to do it as much as possible.
00:44:14.000 Yeah, there's way more regulars at clubs now on the road.
00:44:16.000 Yeah.
00:44:16.000 You see people that go like four, five, ten times a year to a comedy club.
00:44:20.000 It's a good date.
00:44:21.000 It's like a movie, and it's better and more real than a movie.
00:44:23.000 Yeah.
00:44:24.000 Go see Segura and Christina and Fulton and me and you.
00:44:28.000 If you know that someone that you really think is funny is going to be in town, that's going to be a great time.
00:44:33.000 I used to get my friend from DC, Avi Lerner, used to ask me, the DC Improv lineup.
00:44:39.000 He'd look at him like, is there anybody I should see?
00:44:42.000 I shouldn't see.
00:44:43.000 He's like, it's time to go out to a good date, you know?
00:44:46.000 And so you'd be like, oh, avoid that guy.
00:44:48.000 He's super hacky.
00:44:49.000 I don't know these two.
00:44:50.000 And that guy's actually pretty good.
00:44:51.000 He's like, cool.
00:44:52.000 Yeah.
00:44:53.000 You just want to know who the good ones are.
00:44:55.000 Yeah, that's the thing, because we all know ones that you're stuck listening to some crazy, contrived...
00:45:01.000 Yeah, and you're like...
00:45:01.000 Oh, I gotta get out of here.
00:45:03.000 Or, like, if you're not into those hypnotists, and you go to the Hypnotist Week, and you're like, fuck.
00:45:08.000 Why did I go to this?
00:45:10.000 Yeah.
00:45:10.000 I just think it's one of those art forms that needs help from the people that do it.
00:45:16.000 And I think the more the people that do it help, the more people do it.
00:45:20.000 I'm meeting dudes on the road all the time now that started doing open mic nights.
00:45:26.000 Weird, huh?
00:45:27.000 Yeah.
00:45:27.000 That's why it's so weird when Dane Cook says comics stole his essence.
00:45:31.000 And it's like, no, Dane, you were a super influential comic.
00:45:35.000 Stephen Wright was the same way.
00:45:37.000 You brought physical comedy into the mainstream, but people started doing it more.
00:45:42.000 Bob Nelson was the last big physical comic, and then all these guys were watching comedy when they were 14, 15 years old, and now it's been 10, 12 years, and they're doing comedy, and you're one of the guys they watch coming up.
00:45:55.000 So it's like, yeah, of course, they got into it because of you.
00:45:58.000 You can't say that.
00:45:59.000 And you watch Jim Carrey.
00:46:00.000 Yeah, you watch Jim Carrey.
00:46:01.000 So it's like...
00:46:03.000 Everyone, you know, there's that weird line when someone is influenced and when someone is imitating.
00:46:09.000 Yeah.
00:46:10.000 And that's the weird line.
00:46:12.000 Yeah.
00:46:12.000 It's like we're all influencing each other.
00:46:14.000 And we're all influenced by Pryor.
00:46:16.000 Everyone's influenced by Steve Martin.
00:46:17.000 But you know what?
00:46:18.000 Ozzy said he was influenced by the Beatles.
00:46:20.000 Yeah.
00:46:20.000 And when you look at that, you're like, no way.
00:46:22.000 But there's something in there that probably, you know, that you can't...
00:46:24.000 It's not a straight copy, so you wouldn't think that.
00:46:26.000 Yeah.
00:46:27.000 Yeah.
00:46:27.000 Yeah, I mean, it doesn't have to be a copy.
00:46:30.000 Influence means it moves you in a certain way.
00:46:32.000 I'm influenced by music.
00:46:33.000 A lot of songs influence me.
00:46:35.000 But they don't influence my words, they don't influence my comedy, but they influence my thinking, my mood.
00:46:41.000 Musicians, the way they handle it too, live music, the way the musicians...
00:46:44.000 That's why I do a different tour show every year, because of Iron Maiden.
00:46:47.000 Oh, shit.
00:46:48.000 Iron Maiden did that, and I was like, interesting.
00:46:50.000 I like the way they close strong.
00:46:52.000 Mm-hmm.
00:46:53.000 You know, you can see the fucking, I don't know, the way that, you know, certain great bands, you're like, oh, that was a good concert.
00:46:59.000 Yeah.
00:46:59.000 I want to mimic that.
00:47:00.000 Yeah.
00:47:01.000 Fuck yeah, man.
00:47:02.000 The few times that I've gone to see Honey Honey live.
00:47:06.000 Yeah.
00:47:06.000 Like, I love watching talent.
00:47:08.000 Like, Ben and Suzanne from Honey Honey, they're so goddamn talented.
00:47:12.000 Yeah.
00:47:12.000 And her voice is just ridiculously good.
00:47:15.000 I gotta see them.
00:47:15.000 I think they're gonna be at some festival I'm playing.
00:47:18.000 Yeah, they're in town right now.
00:47:20.000 We're bouncing phone calls back and forth with each other.
00:47:22.000 We gotta get together with those guys.
00:47:24.000 They're really nice.
00:47:25.000 And they're just stupid talented in a way that I don't understand.
00:47:28.000 Like, I don't understand, like, music talent.
00:47:29.000 I can't sing.
00:47:30.000 So when I hear someone sing, I'm like, whoa, that is crazy.
00:47:32.000 What are you doing with their voice?
00:47:34.000 Oh, yeah.
00:47:35.000 But also, what makes someone command a stage?
00:47:38.000 You could have, like, Muse has this giant light show and everything.
00:47:41.000 It's that I get, you know?
00:47:43.000 Flaming Lips has all this confetti and shit, and that I get.
00:47:46.000 But if it's just the people that are just playing the music, and some kill it and some don't, it's like, what's the difference?
00:47:52.000 There's been Nico Vega, and we saw her during the Sunset Ship Festival once, and it was like, oh my god!
00:47:57.000 They were playing one of the inside stages instead of one of the giant ones, and it's like, she's blowing it out of the water!
00:48:03.000 And it's like, how?
00:48:05.000 What are they doing?
00:48:06.000 Just jumping up around a lot.
00:48:08.000 Like half of it, all you gotta do is really love what you're doing.
00:48:10.000 That's half of it.
00:48:12.000 Definitely that's a big part of it.
00:48:13.000 Smashing Pumpkins are garbage now.
00:48:16.000 Billy Corgan's the only one left in the band.
00:48:18.000 He hires an Asian bassist to look like Jimmy Eha, whatever his name is.
00:48:22.000 A female guitarist to look like the old...
00:48:25.000 And then they just play all their old songs at double speed because he fucking hates them now.
00:48:29.000 Wow.
00:48:29.000 He plays only his new stuff at regular speed.
00:48:31.000 He changes the lyrics because he's all Jesused out now.
00:48:34.000 What?
00:48:35.000 God is empty, just like you.
00:48:39.000 Really?
00:48:39.000 Yeah.
00:48:40.000 What happened?
00:48:41.000 Dude, he cleared out the fuck in Columbus.
00:48:43.000 He cleared that place.
00:48:44.000 He was headlining a festival day.
00:48:46.000 Bush killed it during the day.
00:48:47.000 It ain't about being old.
00:48:49.000 And then people just, by the time I was like, alright, we can leave.
00:48:52.000 It was half empty, the place.
00:48:54.000 Courtney Love.
00:48:55.000 Courtney Love wrecked him.
00:48:56.000 Ruined him.
00:48:56.000 I don't know.
00:48:57.000 He just doesn't want to play his music.
00:48:58.000 Hit him with that super pussy.
00:49:00.000 Gotta love what you're doing.
00:49:01.000 Hit him with super pussy.
00:49:02.000 Yeah, she must have been good.
00:49:03.000 She stole his soul.
00:49:04.000 Courtney Love must have been.
00:49:05.000 Of course.
00:49:06.000 She probably still is.
00:49:08.000 People got sprung over her.
00:49:10.000 Dude, I'll tell you what, man.
00:49:11.000 I don't know what influence he had over those whole songs.
00:49:14.000 Yeah.
00:49:15.000 But some of those songs were fucking good.
00:49:17.000 Doll Parts was amazing.
00:49:18.000 Yes.
00:49:19.000 Doll Parts was a very good song.
00:49:21.000 And the next album after that, after the one on Doll Parts, which is piece of me, I forget.
00:49:24.000 But the next one after that about the stolen water of LA or whatever it was, that was a good album.
00:49:29.000 And I think that might have been the Billy Corgan album.
00:49:32.000 I don't know, man.
00:49:33.000 Whoever the fuck was involved, they had some really good fucking songs.
00:49:37.000 Yeah.
00:49:37.000 Right, it doesn't matter who she got it from.
00:49:39.000 She got it.
00:49:40.000 It doesn't matter.
00:49:40.000 Yeah, whoever, whatever the collaboration was.
00:49:43.000 But he was involved at some point in time.
00:49:46.000 It's sad to see that he's losing his fucking marbles.
00:49:49.000 I was trying to get her for my storyteller show.
00:49:51.000 Whoa.
00:49:51.000 We wanted to put a musician on.
00:49:52.000 I was like, that wouldn't be bad.
00:49:54.000 I bet she'd have a good story or two.
00:49:55.000 Yeah, for sure.
00:49:56.000 Going nuts.
00:49:57.000 Or 20. Or 20. There's people that accuse her.
00:50:00.000 They make documentaries accusing her of killing her husband.
00:50:04.000 Imagine that?
00:50:05.000 Imagine if your husband committed suicide and there's people making documentaries that accuse you of killing him when you know you didn't kill him.
00:50:12.000 Can you imagine going through life like that?
00:50:14.000 Yeah.
00:50:15.000 Some wacky conspiracy theory?
00:50:16.000 Shut up already!
00:50:17.000 I've said how I was somewhere else!
00:50:20.000 Or, could you imagine if you actually did kill him?
00:50:22.000 Yeah, that's what everybody thinks.
00:50:23.000 We're doing it, too.
00:50:25.000 That's so evil!
00:50:26.000 You know, but fuck, man.
00:50:28.000 To accuse someone of something like that is so evil.
00:50:30.000 It's such a horrible loss.
00:50:31.000 He dropped his baby, and that sent him...
00:50:34.000 Like, he was already depressed and heroin-ed out, and then dropping her baby on heroin was like, oh, I'm a piece of shit.
00:50:39.000 Oh, my God.
00:50:39.000 And then just, like, blew it off.
00:50:41.000 Oh, my God.
00:50:42.000 That sounds like a good story.
00:50:44.000 That's like one of those headless horsemen type stories.
00:50:46.000 I heard.
00:50:46.000 I heard.
00:50:47.000 Who'd you hear that from?
00:50:48.000 He was alone.
00:50:49.000 What do you mean?
00:50:49.000 If it's midnight in October, and you look up and it's a full moon, you'll see the headless horsemen.
00:50:54.000 It's true, bro.
00:50:55.000 Dude, my uncle saw it, bro.
00:50:58.000 When we were in Utah, we talked to these guys that told us that they saw a bulletproof wolf that appeared out of mist.
00:51:04.000 Really?
00:51:05.000 Mm-hmm.
00:51:05.000 Guys had shot at it, and that's how they knew it was bulletproof.
00:51:08.000 Because they always hit?
00:51:08.000 These motherfuckers are shooting at imaginary wolves in the middle of Utah.
00:51:12.000 How good is their meth?
00:51:13.000 Wow.
00:51:14.000 Wow.
00:51:15.000 That's some strong meth.
00:51:15.000 That was just snow.
00:51:17.000 That's some strong meth along with some loneliness.
00:51:20.000 You ever want to know what meth feels like?
00:51:22.000 Yeah.
00:51:22.000 What heroin feels like?
00:51:24.000 Yeah.
00:51:24.000 God.
00:51:25.000 And coke.
00:51:26.000 I want to know what all that shit feels like.
00:51:28.000 Yeah.
00:51:29.000 I just don't want to do it.
00:51:30.000 And have the ill effects of it.
00:51:32.000 Yeah.
00:51:32.000 I'm not interested in opiates for sure.
00:51:34.000 For sure.
00:51:35.000 I want to take opium in an opium den.
00:51:38.000 That's why they killed John Wayne.
00:51:40.000 No, it wasn't John Wayne.
00:51:41.000 Who?
00:51:42.000 One of those fucking outlaws like Wild Bill Hitchcock or something like that.
00:51:45.000 They killed him in an opium den?
00:51:46.000 Yeah, well, he just fucked him up.
00:51:48.000 He became an opium addict.
00:51:49.000 Was it him or was it...
00:51:50.000 Who was the guy?
00:51:53.000 Kevin...
00:51:54.000 Wyatt Earp.
00:51:54.000 I think it was Wyatt Earp.
00:51:55.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:51:57.000 I think I've heard that.
00:51:57.000 Yeah.
00:51:58.000 I think a lot of those...
00:51:59.000 And Doc Holliday was a dentist who gave him the opium.
00:52:01.000 Oh, my goodness.
00:52:03.000 A lot of those dudes would visit those...
00:52:07.000 Wyatt Earp.
00:52:07.000 They had the Chinese people who helped build the railroads or basically built the railroads.
00:52:12.000 Probably, man.
00:52:13.000 You steal a bunch of gold?
00:52:14.000 You got a bunch of gold?
00:52:14.000 Of course you can get into drugs.
00:52:16.000 Easy living.
00:52:16.000 They would sell these opium dens.
00:52:18.000 They probably weren't even illegal back then.
00:52:20.000 They probably were not illegal.
00:52:21.000 Yeah.
00:52:21.000 People didn't have the kind of laws they have now.
00:52:23.000 Yeah, Wild West?
00:52:25.000 Pop wasn't illegal until the 1930s, and psychedelics weren't illegal until 1970. And they used to give cocaine.
00:52:31.000 It used to be in Coca-Cola.
00:52:32.000 Yeah, can you imagine if you come across some Native Americans?
00:52:35.000 You're in the Wild West.
00:52:36.000 We're talking about 1810 or something.
00:52:38.000 Yeah.
00:52:39.000 And they're not violent.
00:52:41.000 They take you in.
00:52:42.000 They take you to their...
00:52:43.000 Their tent, and they want to show you their ways, and they feed you, and they give you this pipe, and you're like, oh, that's this crazy.
00:52:50.000 That's the peace pipe.
00:52:51.000 That's got the smoke shit in it.
00:52:53.000 Yeah.
00:52:54.000 Can you imagine?
00:52:55.000 Are there cops around?
00:52:57.000 Is there a sheriff here?
00:52:58.000 Because he's going to throw me in jail for this.
00:52:59.000 I don't think they smoked opium.
00:53:01.000 I think the peace pipe was tobacco.
00:53:04.000 Oh, really?
00:53:04.000 Just tobacco?
00:53:05.000 I thought that was marijuana.
00:53:07.000 I don't think so, man.
00:53:08.000 When did marijuana start?
00:53:09.000 I think marijuana...
00:53:11.000 I mean, they probably used it if they knew about it, if they had found it, but I think they used tobacco a lot as well.
00:53:18.000 Like, wild tobacco, I think.
00:53:19.000 And that would get you high?
00:53:20.000 Yeah, tobacco would get you high in a weird way.
00:53:23.000 I mean, that's why guys like smoking cigars.
00:53:24.000 Find out what the fuck is in the peace pipe there, Jamie.
00:53:27.000 There's gotta be some...
00:53:29.000 But I don't think it's opium.
00:53:30.000 Let me smoke them to peace pipe.
00:53:31.000 No, I don't think it was opium.
00:53:31.000 I thought it was marijuana.
00:53:32.000 Yeah, because opium's not grown in the United States.
00:53:35.000 I don't think you can.
00:53:36.000 I think it's got to be like South America.
00:53:38.000 Oh, really?
00:53:38.000 Yeah.
00:53:39.000 I don't think you can grow it here.
00:53:40.000 I think you can grow it in Afghanistan, and I think you can grow it in some climates in South America or something like that, I've heard.
00:53:46.000 I have no idea what it is.
00:53:49.000 How the fuck can they not grow cocaine in the United States?
00:53:52.000 They keep saying they import cocaine in the United States.
00:53:54.000 We have these hydroponic fucking gardens everywhere.
00:53:58.000 How can you not grow it here?
00:54:00.000 There's not really plants that don't grow in certain geographic locations, are there?
00:54:06.000 Yeah, but then you could grow them inside.
00:54:07.000 And you did, you could manipulate the environment to simulate, like, a South American rainforest.
00:54:12.000 Maybe it just wouldn't be as good.
00:54:13.000 Like, grapes need to have the sun hitting them most of the day, so they need to be on, like, an incline.
00:54:19.000 Oh, really?
00:54:19.000 What is that?
00:54:20.000 That's the plant.
00:54:21.000 This is the plant?
00:54:23.000 Native American smoking product typically made a mixture of various leaves or barks with other plant materials.
00:54:29.000 Whoa.
00:54:30.000 So they just smoke bark?
00:54:33.000 So it was just bark and shit?
00:54:36.000 Wow.
00:54:38.000 Hmm.
00:54:38.000 Okay.
00:54:39.000 Tobacco was originally used primarily by Eastern tribes, but Western tribes often mixed it with other herbs, barks, and plant matter.
00:54:46.000 In a preparation commonly known as...
00:54:49.000 It means...
00:54:56.000 It means whole of our fathers.
00:54:59.000 It means we smoke bark.
00:55:01.000 It's one of the only impressions I can do, and I'm sure all the Indians listening are like, that's terrible!
00:55:06.000 Well, it's just crazy.
00:55:07.000 We still call them Indians.
00:55:08.000 It's like the dumbest shit of all time.
00:55:10.000 Because they're not.
00:55:10.000 They thought they landed in India.
00:55:12.000 Once you know, they're still using the word.
00:55:15.000 That's why it's dumb.
00:55:16.000 You're right.
00:55:17.000 It's not offensive.
00:55:18.000 It's offensive to people using it.
00:55:19.000 It's offensive to all of us.
00:55:21.000 It's offensive to me.
00:55:22.000 I grew up playing cowboys and Indians.
00:55:24.000 I didn't know I was, you know, saying something really fucking stupid.
00:55:29.000 They're not Indian.
00:55:30.000 This is Native Americans.
00:55:32.000 It was just somebody thought it was somewhere else.
00:55:33.000 They're real Americans.
00:55:35.000 You don't even call them Native Americans.
00:55:37.000 I guess it was named...
00:55:38.000 Native.
00:55:39.000 I like Native.
00:55:40.000 Was it America?
00:55:41.000 There was a bunch of disputes about why America was named America.
00:55:45.000 But what I had heard...
00:55:46.000 Amerigo Vespucci.
00:55:47.000 Yeah, that's what I had heard growing up.
00:55:48.000 Wow.
00:55:48.000 Fuck yeah, high school.
00:55:49.000 He's left one in there.
00:55:51.000 Nailed it, son.
00:55:52.000 That's what I'd heard growing up, and I didn't even know who the fuck Amerigo Vespucci was until I, like, what?
00:55:57.000 This guy?
00:55:58.000 I thought Christopher Columbus discovered America.
00:56:00.000 Yeah, who was Amerigo Vespucci?
00:56:02.000 Yeah, this fucking jackass who snuck in and changed the whole fucking name.
00:56:06.000 Yeah, wait a minute.
00:56:07.000 Let's hear it.
00:56:08.000 America was named after Amerigo Vespucci.
00:56:11.000 15th century.
00:56:12.000 15th century.
00:56:13.000 Florentine merchant who owned a business in Seville, Spain, furnishing supplies for ships, preparing them for merchandise.
00:56:19.000 Oh, so he didn't even discover it.
00:56:20.000 He just, like, supplied Columbus with it.
00:56:23.000 So that is absolutely really what it was.
00:56:25.000 So the shit that we learned in high school was true.
00:56:27.000 But why not call it Amerigo?
00:56:29.000 Yeah, it's just weird.
00:56:30.000 How about you talk to someone who already lived here?
00:56:33.000 What do you guys call it?
00:56:34.000 But that's like if somebody names a country after me and calls it Aura.
00:56:37.000 Right.
00:56:38.000 It's like, well, fucking name it after me then, bro.
00:56:40.000 Yeah, why are you calling it Amerigoland?
00:56:42.000 Yeah, Amerigoland's good.
00:56:44.000 We're Amerigoland, fuck yeah.
00:56:47.000 Why America?
00:56:48.000 Because it sounds right.
00:56:50.000 Amerigo.
00:56:51.000 Amerigo sounds fine.
00:56:53.000 America.
00:56:53.000 You ever seen when people get really down on America?
00:56:55.000 They write the K with a K, like instead of CA. Because they've taken away our rights, shit like that?
00:57:01.000 No, because it's like KKK, Ku Klux Klan, America!
00:57:05.000 I thought it was a Soviet.
00:57:07.000 Nazi fucking feeling to it.
00:57:10.000 America!
00:57:12.000 Did you see Rick Ross run over that guy?
00:57:14.000 Not Rick Ross.
00:57:14.000 I heard.
00:57:15.000 What's his name?
00:57:16.000 Suge Knight.
00:57:17.000 Suge Knight, the video's out.
00:57:19.000 You watched it?
00:57:20.000 No, not yet.
00:57:21.000 He ran over the guy's head, right?
00:57:22.000 Oh, Jamie, please.
00:57:24.000 Oh, yeah.
00:57:24.000 Oh, my God.
00:57:25.000 Oh, play that.
00:57:25.000 I don't want to see this.
00:57:26.000 That's your right as a human, but we're going to watch it.
00:57:28.000 But it's not playing on TV, right?
00:57:30.000 All right, go ahead and play it.
00:57:32.000 Fuck, dude.
00:57:33.000 This is something I'm not really interested in.
00:57:36.000 So what did he do?
00:57:37.000 Is it over a fight?
00:57:38.000 Shook's truck.
00:57:40.000 DMZ, dude.
00:57:42.000 Bone.
00:57:43.000 Oh, my God.
00:57:44.000 I think he showed up at their film in the NWA movie.
00:57:48.000 Oh, the whole thing shook.
00:57:50.000 He wasn't invited.
00:57:51.000 The whole thing shook when Bowen got over there.
00:57:53.000 The whole car.
00:57:54.000 So he shook him?
00:57:55.000 Did he shoot?
00:57:56.000 Did he yell at each other?
00:57:57.000 I don't think any shots were fired.
00:57:59.000 No.
00:58:00.000 He just got run over.
00:58:01.000 Right here.
00:58:02.000 First guy gets hit.
00:58:03.000 Oh my god!
00:58:04.000 Wait.
00:58:05.000 There's more.
00:58:06.000 No way.
00:58:07.000 Terry.
00:58:08.000 That's the guy who died?
00:58:09.000 Oh!
00:58:10.000 Oh no.
00:58:12.000 Oh, he ran them over.
00:58:14.000 Wow.
00:58:15.000 Oh my god.
00:58:16.000 He pulled out, ran that...
00:58:17.000 Is that guy moving?
00:58:18.000 He is moving.
00:58:19.000 Oh my god.
00:58:19.000 Oh no, it's just the...
00:58:20.000 Oh my god.
00:58:23.000 Wow.
00:58:25.000 Wow.
00:58:26.000 They said they released it today so that people stopped, like third-party accounts stopped happening.
00:58:30.000 People said, maybe this is what happened, maybe this is what happened.
00:58:32.000 Like, this is...
00:58:33.000 Oh my god.
00:58:35.000 Oh.
00:58:36.000 Man, that's so hard to watch.
00:58:39.000 Wow.
00:58:41.000 Thanks for forcing me to watch that, you fuck.
00:58:44.000 Jesus Christ!
00:58:45.000 That's what happens when you don't get repercussions.
00:58:48.000 You start thinking you can do whatever the fuck you want.
00:58:50.000 Who was that?
00:58:51.000 Who ran him over?
00:58:51.000 Shirt Knight.
00:58:52.000 Wow.
00:58:53.000 Yeah.
00:58:55.000 I mean, that guy just got killed.
00:58:58.000 Killed.
00:58:58.000 Run over, like, by the head and then run over again.
00:59:01.000 He hit two of them.
00:59:02.000 He ran over two guys.
00:59:04.000 The second guy is the guy that died.
00:59:06.000 The first guy did not die?
00:59:08.000 He ran that guy over twice with a truck!
00:59:10.000 That's so insane, man.
00:59:12.000 That's so insane.
00:59:14.000 Jesus Christ.
00:59:15.000 If you could get away with murder, do you think you would do it ever?
00:59:20.000 The only time you would ever do it is if someone was trying to attack you or someone was trying to attack someone that you love.
00:59:27.000 Fits of rage?
00:59:29.000 No.
00:59:30.000 No.
00:59:31.000 Jealousy?
00:59:32.000 No.
00:59:32.000 Never.
00:59:33.000 Jealousy.
00:59:34.000 That's why in that movie, remember when they could tell the future and see who was going to kill?
00:59:38.000 What was that called?
00:59:38.000 Minority Report?
00:59:39.000 The only ones they couldn't catch were fits of rage because they weren't planned at all.
00:59:42.000 Right.
00:59:43.000 Right.
00:59:43.000 That makes sense.
00:59:44.000 You're not thinking clearly?
00:59:45.000 That makes sense.
00:59:46.000 This guy touched my red truck.
00:59:48.000 I've got to run him over!
00:59:49.000 When I was a little kid, I saw a lot of violence.
00:59:51.000 And it was very uncomfortable.
00:59:54.000 Yeah.
00:59:54.000 So, a lot of domestic abuse violence.
00:59:57.000 So...
00:59:58.000 I'm the last person that could ever get involved in that kind of shit.
01:00:02.000 I'm not interested in fighting.
01:00:05.000 Especially with somebody I care about, I'm not interested in it.
01:00:08.000 No, no, you're not hearing what I'm saying.
01:00:09.000 I'm saying you get away with it.
01:00:11.000 I wouldn't do it.
01:00:13.000 That's not an option.
01:00:14.000 The only reason why I would do it is if someone was trying to attack me.
01:00:17.000 I wouldn't be the person that attacked them.
01:00:20.000 The only way I would ever attack someone is if I thought that my life was in danger or my health was in danger or someone else's health or life was in danger.
01:00:28.000 Right.
01:00:28.000 I would never just hit somebody because I was mad at them.
01:00:31.000 Right.
01:00:32.000 I mean, murder them.
01:00:33.000 Erase them.
01:00:34.000 Any of those things.
01:00:35.000 If I had to do that, I would have already done it.
01:00:38.000 If that was my path, if I was on that path, even if it was free and legal and you'd get away with it, it changes who you are as a person.
01:00:45.000 It changes who you are as a person.
01:00:47.000 If you're eliminating people, if you're harming, you're going after people.
01:00:52.000 I like how some people say I would never be able to live with myself, and that I disagree with for everybody, because everyone who does it lives with themselves.
01:00:57.000 Okay, well, let's say this.
01:00:58.000 Ted Bundy.
01:00:59.000 What if you found Ted Bundy?
01:01:00.000 What if Ted Bundy did that to someone that you knew and killed Oh, yeah, no, I feel terrible.
01:01:05.000 And you had a chance to catch him in the act.
01:01:08.000 You had to catch him as he was trying to abduct a woman.
01:01:11.000 You knew it was Ted Bundy.
01:01:13.000 I could kill him.
01:01:14.000 I would end that motherfucker so easy.
01:01:16.000 You would do that.
01:01:17.000 Oh, yeah.
01:01:18.000 Yeah.
01:01:19.000 100%.
01:01:19.000 If I saw Ted Bundy, like, trying to drag a woman and I knew it was Ted Bundy...
01:01:25.000 Yeah.
01:01:26.000 100% I'd kill him.
01:01:27.000 He's in jail now, right?
01:01:28.000 100%.
01:01:28.000 He's dead.
01:01:29.000 They killed him.
01:01:30.000 But I would have killed him for sure.
01:01:32.000 That's a guy that I wouldn't even think twice.
01:01:34.000 If I had a gun, I would shoot him.
01:01:35.000 If I had a knife, I would stab him.
01:01:35.000 What if he wasn't about to do something, but you knew it was Ted Bundy?
01:01:38.000 I'd probably still kill him.
01:01:39.000 Yeah.
01:01:39.000 Yeah.
01:01:40.000 But he'd probably do something again, though.
01:01:42.000 I'd probably confront him, and then he would give me a reason to think that he was dangerous, and then I would try to kill him.
01:01:51.000 Confront him.
01:01:52.000 Yeah, if you knew that some guy was, if he got away from you, he's addicted to killing women.
01:01:59.000 He wouldn't kill that guy?
01:02:01.000 If you know for sure it's that guy?
01:02:02.000 What about Bill Cosby?
01:02:04.000 Would you have stopped him from doing that?
01:02:09.000 You need to stop doing this!
01:02:11.000 I can't, man, because that's the only time I can get hard is if someone's asleep.
01:02:15.000 So I can't stop.
01:02:15.000 So what are you gonna do now?
01:02:16.000 Could you imagine that conversation?
01:02:18.000 Please stop.
01:02:20.000 Don't even say it's Bill Cosby.
01:02:21.000 Let's just assume it was someone else.
01:02:23.000 Okay.
01:02:23.000 Forget it.
01:02:24.000 Let's not attach him to it.
01:02:25.000 Whether or not he did or didn't do it.
01:02:26.000 Some white guy.
01:02:28.000 Some random person.
01:02:29.000 If you walked in and some random person had drugged a woman and was busy fucking her body and she didn't even, you know, probably didn't, not only barely knew the guy.
01:02:39.000 Would you let him finish?
01:02:40.000 No.
01:02:41.000 Pfft.
01:02:42.000 I mean, it's already happening.
01:02:43.000 You have to answer your own question.
01:02:45.000 No.
01:02:46.000 You should stop now.
01:02:47.000 It would probably be so dangerous to confront the kind of person that's willing to do that.
01:02:52.000 This is where it gets dark.
01:02:54.000 Whether it's the guy we were talking about before, that comedian fellow or anybody else, some random person.
01:02:59.000 The type of person that has the mindset to want to put you in an intoxicated state, like a drug state so you don't know what happened.
01:03:08.000 You wake up and you're like, why am I naked?
01:03:10.000 Like, what's going on?
01:03:11.000 And he thinks that's funny or he thinks that's acceptable or he can live with that and he can do it again and again and again like he's done it many, many times before.
01:03:19.000 There's a dehumanizing effect to that that's terrifying.
01:03:22.000 It's not just sexual.
01:03:24.000 There's a dehumanizing thing of you deciding to shut someone's consciousness off and then do what you would with their body.
01:03:32.000 Wow, it's so crazy.
01:03:34.000 Dude, it is beyond creepy.
01:03:36.000 It is terrifying.
01:03:38.000 So how do you get that?
01:03:39.000 How do you get that as your affliction that you need to do that?
01:03:42.000 You would have to talk to someone far smarter than me.
01:03:44.000 And I could speculate all day and I'm sure I have.
01:03:47.000 I remember that one guy in that show, whatever that, what they call it, child molesters?
01:03:52.000 Yeah, catch a predator?
01:03:54.000 Yeah.
01:03:54.000 But one guy was so resigned, I could tell he was so resigned to him being this way, that he was like, once he came out, it's like, do you know where we're here?
01:04:01.000 He's like, oh.
01:04:02.000 He goes, just get the cops so they can lock me up and execute me already.
01:04:06.000 He was talking about that he couldn't change and he knew he couldn't change so he needed someone to catch him.
01:04:12.000 He needed to be stopped.
01:04:13.000 He knew it.
01:04:14.000 So terrifying.
01:04:16.000 It's terrifying and the fact that you'll talk to women and they'll tell you that they've been drugged.
01:04:21.000 I've talked to a bunch of different girls that have been drugged.
01:04:24.000 You'll hear them talking about it or you'll be talking about it and someone will come over.
01:04:27.000 That happened to me.
01:04:28.000 Did you hear constantly talking to Larry King?
01:04:31.000 No.
01:04:31.000 Jamie.
01:04:32.000 You talked to Larry King recently?
01:04:34.000 Larry King?
01:04:34.000 No.
01:04:35.000 A long time ago about Spanish fly.
01:04:36.000 Oh yes, I did hear that.
01:04:38.000 Yeah, that was disturbing.
01:04:40.000 Now looking back, it's so disturbing.
01:04:42.000 And Larry King's trying to giggle along like he's like, I don't want to fuck up the interview, but like, what?
01:04:46.000 He's talking about giving them drugs that make them horny.
01:04:48.000 Yeah.
01:04:49.000 It's a Spanish fly.
01:04:51.000 Yeah, listen, don't dose people.
01:04:53.000 Don't dose people.
01:04:54.000 That's just a standard rule.
01:04:56.000 But Joey Diaz is dose people, and I've always thought it was hilarious.
01:04:58.000 Let them take whatever they want.
01:04:59.000 Dude, Joey Diaz now, with these stars, that are 100 milligrams or 125. So I'm like, how much are they for real?
01:05:07.000 And he goes, yeah, it's like $50, $25 or $50.
01:05:10.000 And I was like, really?
01:05:11.000 So I get there, and I see it says $25.
01:05:13.000 I was like, okay, but something's fishy.
01:05:15.000 Just like these Bill Cosby people.
01:05:16.000 They knew something was up.
01:05:18.000 These girls were like, wait, what?
01:05:19.000 You have a cappuccino machine in your bedroom?
01:05:21.000 What?
01:05:22.000 Hold on.
01:05:22.000 And they knew something was up, but they couldn't stop it.
01:05:24.000 And Joey Diaz, something looked fishy on the label.
01:05:26.000 And I asked him later, I'm like, what's up with that label?
01:05:28.000 He just took other labels and put it over the fucking 125 milligram label.
01:05:33.000 And I ate two of those motherfuckers.
01:05:34.000 He dosed you.
01:05:35.000 He toasts everybody!
01:05:36.000 Why did he do that?
01:05:38.000 He thought it'd be funny, and he was right.
01:05:40.000 And he was right.
01:05:42.000 He knows that he knew I could handle it, whether or not I needed to or not.
01:05:44.000 Also, he wasn't intent on raping you.
01:05:46.000 No.
01:05:47.000 And he did let you know that you were going to be taking on marijuana.
01:05:50.000 He just didn't let you know that it was way stronger than it really is.
01:05:52.000 That's the best.
01:05:53.000 Alex Jones, when he's giving him a cookie at one of those UFCs, and Alex Jones is like, what's in this cookie?
01:05:57.000 He goes, you know what the fuck is in the cookie?
01:05:58.000 Eat the fucking cookie!
01:06:00.000 He's like mad.
01:06:01.000 Like, I'm holding this fucking cookie.
01:06:03.000 Come on.
01:06:03.000 Come on, man.
01:06:03.000 That was a fun weekend.
01:06:05.000 That was a great weekend.
01:06:05.000 We partied with Alex Jones all weekend at a UFC. He came to the comedy show.
01:06:09.000 He came and hung out.
01:06:11.000 Is that in Vegas?
01:06:12.000 Yeah.
01:06:13.000 He's been to a bunch of comedy shows.
01:06:14.000 He was at my most recent one in Austin.
01:06:15.000 Yeah, that was fucking cool as shit.
01:06:16.000 Steve Simone says thank you again for those hooking up.
01:06:19.000 They're right behind ringside.
01:06:20.000 I've seen him smile.
01:06:21.000 I have a big smile on his face.
01:06:23.000 Extra frosty.
01:06:23.000 Yeah, it's great, man.
01:06:24.000 Sitting back there.
01:06:25.000 It's amazing.
01:06:26.000 So fun.
01:06:27.000 That place is awesome.
01:06:28.000 Even if it is just girl fights.
01:06:30.000 It's just girl fights, he says.
01:06:33.000 I'm not interested.
01:06:35.000 You're not interested in girls fighting?
01:06:36.000 Until she loses a round, then it's just an exhibition.
01:06:40.000 I like it.
01:06:41.000 I like that exhibition.
01:06:43.000 Yeah.
01:06:43.000 It's cool.
01:06:44.000 It's fun.
01:06:45.000 You know what, man?
01:06:47.000 She's like in this Roy Jones Jr. in his prime state.
01:06:50.000 Roy Jones Jr. in his prime was just fucking everybody up.
01:06:54.000 He was putting his hands behind his back and knocking dudes out.
01:06:57.000 He was knocking guys like Virgil Hill out with a body shot.
01:07:00.000 Everybody was like, God damn Roy Jones.
01:07:03.000 Who's Virgil Hill?
01:07:04.000 Is he the guy who took care of Macho Man Randy Savage?
01:07:06.000 No.
01:07:06.000 He was, I forget, he might have been an Olympic gold medalist, but I believe he was an Olympic boxer, and he was also a light heavyweight champion.
01:07:18.000 And, yeah, this is...
01:07:24.000 Yeah.
01:07:24.000 Anyway, he, I believe it was Virgil Hill, he fought Roy Jones, and Roy Jones hit him with this fucking body shot that was just ridiculous.
01:07:34.000 Whap!
01:07:35.000 Really?
01:07:35.000 Just cracked him to the body.
01:07:37.000 You see him just crumple.
01:07:38.000 On a body shot.
01:07:39.000 Yeah, he was a bad motherfucker.
01:07:41.000 Yeah, he won a silver medal in the Olympic Games in 1984. Olympic box is always super thin, right?
01:07:46.000 Those heavyweights aren't heavyweights.
01:07:48.000 Are they?
01:07:49.000 I mean, look, was an Olympian.
01:07:52.000 Briddick Bowe was an Olympian.
01:07:54.000 They were big guys.
01:07:55.000 But didn't they get bigger later or no?
01:07:56.000 Here's Roy Jones Jr. Fighting Virgil.
01:07:58.000 And Virgil was like a real high-level fighter at the time, man.
01:08:01.000 World champion, Virgil's in the black pants.
01:08:04.000 Boom, look at this body shot.
01:08:05.000 Oh, he holds it.
01:08:07.000 Son, you know how hard it is to knock a guy out on the left side of his body?
01:08:12.000 He hit him with a right hand to the body.
01:08:14.000 Usually it's a left.
01:08:15.000 The reason being, it's not usually, but it's hard to knock a guy out with a right hand.
01:08:20.000 Because, look, he got him in the floating rib.
01:08:22.000 He got him in the floating rib.
01:08:23.000 He probably broke his rib.
01:08:24.000 It's usually on the left side because the left side is where the liver is.
01:08:28.000 It seems so weird for someone to go down.
01:08:30.000 Like, now that I've been watching UFC, someone going down like that and then no one jumping on him.
01:08:34.000 Yeah, exactly, right?
01:08:36.000 It just seems so strange.
01:08:37.000 He's holding his side, and you're like, why is this fight still going in the fight?
01:08:40.000 Well, you always see dudes throwing left hooks to the body, because from the left side, like if you're attacking, that side of the body that you're going to hit, which is his right side, is where the liver is.
01:08:50.000 So Roy Jones knocked him out with a body shot on the opposite side that you usually see.
01:08:53.000 You usually get either in the solar plexus or the liver, but he hits so goddamn hard and he was so fast.
01:08:58.000 But the point is, like, that's where Ronda is.
01:09:01.000 Oh, right.
01:09:02.000 She's just fucking everybody up.
01:09:03.000 She's just fucking everybody up.
01:09:05.000 I don't know.
01:09:06.000 It's like when I saw Anderson in his prime, and people call him the greatest of all time, but his prime, he was fucking up guys that were like, I could see winning a title if not for him.
01:09:15.000 Right.
01:09:15.000 Like Rich Franklin.
01:09:16.000 Yeah.
01:09:16.000 Rich Franklin was the world champion when he fucked him up.
01:09:19.000 So it's like, I don't know, when I see the 11th ranked fighter in the world at 5-5, it's like, what?
01:09:27.000 What are you talking about here?
01:09:28.000 Well, it's a growing sport.
01:09:30.000 Not to take away from the rest of the fucking weight class.
01:09:33.000 It's a growing sport.
01:09:35.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:09:35.000 Women's MMA is like men's MMA in 2000. Or maybe even before then.
01:09:40.000 Right.
01:09:40.000 You know, it's still growing.
01:09:41.000 I mean, the UFC was started in 94. It became mainstream in like 2005. Yeah, I think it'll be good for like girls training now.
01:09:49.000 Oh, yeah.
01:09:49.000 Like the 16-year-olds like, you know what?
01:09:51.000 I want to do MMA. And then in eight years, they'll be legitimate contenders for titles.
01:09:54.000 Yeah.
01:09:55.000 But like...
01:09:56.000 Setting it up for later fucking Star Wars episode one.
01:09:59.000 Yeah, but it's interesting man because she's not gonna keep going forever There's gonna someone's gonna come along like they always come along like someone catch up with her eventually If she keeps fighting into her 30s for sure right now, she's in her prime Yeah, but if she keeps fighting, you know if cyborg can figure out a way to get down to 135 that could be fucking interesting But she showed a photo of herself the other day on a scale and she said 175 Cyborg?
01:10:22.000 Yeah, like a couple days after her fight 175, that's what I should weigh.
01:10:28.000 What are you talking about?
01:10:29.000 I mean, I don't know if that's like to try to get people to be sympathetic about the fact that if you want to get that fight with Ron to go, make her fight at 45. But get the fuck out of here with that.
01:10:41.000 175?
01:10:42.000 Yeah.
01:10:42.000 How tall is she?
01:10:43.000 I bet she's probably about 5'8".
01:10:45.000 Jesus.
01:10:46.000 Yeah.
01:10:47.000 When I'm 175, I'm in the middle of my BMI. I'm like where I should be, not thin or big.
01:10:53.000 That's 6'3".
01:10:55.000 Yeah, she is a thick woman.
01:10:57.000 Let me see how tall she is.
01:10:59.000 5'8", yeah.
01:11:00.000 She's 5'8".
01:11:02.000 Yep, see?
01:11:03.000 There's her.
01:11:03.000 175. 175. God, her toes look tough.
01:11:07.000 Fucking bruised up.
01:11:11.000 Somebody's lips in Chicago in the winter.
01:11:13.000 Look at all the things you should see.
01:11:14.000 Look at the right foot with the scar.
01:11:15.000 That's probably from someone's fucking teeth.
01:11:17.000 Oh, yeah.
01:11:17.000 She should probably kick someone's teeth in with that foot.
01:11:20.000 She's badass, man.
01:11:22.000 Say what you will about her prior substance use.
01:11:25.000 I won't say anything.
01:11:26.000 I'm just talking about those fucking feet.
01:11:28.000 The finished product of Chris Cyborg.
01:11:30.000 She's got Jesus written on the side of him.
01:11:31.000 Is that what it says?
01:11:32.000 I don't know.
01:11:33.000 Something like that.
01:11:33.000 Yeah, it looks like Jesus.
01:11:36.000 Yeah, that's the one she wants to knock you out with.
01:11:39.000 She knocks you out with Jesus.
01:11:40.000 Oh, she's got hairy knuckles!
01:11:43.000 Maybe it's just...
01:11:44.000 No, I don't think so.
01:11:45.000 I don't see any hair.
01:11:46.000 It's just freckles.
01:11:46.000 Yeah.
01:11:47.000 Fuck!
01:11:49.000 She's a tough chick.
01:11:50.000 But that's the one out there.
01:11:51.000 Close up of a toast.
01:11:53.000 That's the one out there that's like, that's the big money.
01:11:55.000 Yeah, alright.
01:11:56.000 If she loses a round in that, then I'll start watching female MMA. Well, this is what I think.
01:12:00.000 I think the UFC should have a 145-pound women's division.
01:12:04.000 So, see, like, I know about Cyborg, and a lot of other people know about Cyborg, but most people have no idea.
01:12:10.000 Like, people that are just UFC fans.
01:12:12.000 Yeah, so they have 35 and 25, and that's it?
01:12:14.000 Yeah.
01:12:14.000 No, they have 35 and 115. And 115, okay.
01:12:18.000 And 115 is the one that is, uh, this weekend, uh, Johanna Jenjacek is, uh, fighting Carlo Esparza, Carlo Esparza.
01:12:26.000 And that's, um, that's for the strawweight title.
01:12:29.000 Okay.
01:12:30.000 Strawweight.
01:12:31.000 Yeah.
01:12:31.000 I love those fucking light guys fighting.
01:12:33.000 Yo, these girls are badass too.
01:12:34.000 They move quicker.
01:12:35.000 And the chick, Johanna Yenjecek, is a Muay Thai world champion, elite striking skills.
01:12:41.000 Carl is a real tough wrestler.
01:12:43.000 It's going to be a really interesting fight.
01:12:45.000 But my thing is, I think that 145, they have a 145 in Invicta, which is something that the UFC owns.
01:12:51.000 Invicta is...
01:12:52.000 So bring them up.
01:12:52.000 Maybe they own it or they're part of it.
01:12:54.000 I don't know if the UFC bought it.
01:12:56.000 Somehow or another, they're working together.
01:12:57.000 I believe the UFC bought it.
01:12:59.000 I don't pay attention to this shit.
01:13:00.000 I should probably.
01:13:01.000 It's part of my job.
01:13:02.000 Maybe.
01:13:02.000 But that's not neither here nor there.
01:13:04.000 What's important is they have all women fights.
01:13:06.000 They have a lot of fighters.
01:13:07.000 It's like, just bring them over to the UFC. Let's just bring them over, man.
01:13:11.000 Bring 145 over.
01:13:13.000 Let them fight in the UFC. And then if Ronda wants to move up, let her move up.
01:13:16.000 Well, then not only that, people will be calling for it.
01:13:18.000 Right.
01:13:18.000 Because right now they're not calling for it because they don't know.
01:13:21.000 Like, I would say, yeah, it's interesting.
01:13:23.000 Do I understand why Ronda would want a fighter at 135?
01:13:25.000 Of course.
01:13:26.000 Yeah, that's a smart thing to do.
01:13:27.000 You're gonna fight a fucking wrecking machine.
01:13:29.000 She's big, and she knocks bitches out.
01:13:32.000 She knocks chicks out in a way that very few fighters knock people out.
01:13:35.000 Really?
01:13:36.000 Oh, yeah.
01:13:37.000 Yeah, she puts it on, girls.
01:13:38.000 She puts it on, girls.
01:13:39.000 She's scary.
01:13:40.000 She's scary.
01:13:42.000 Everyone should be scared of her.
01:13:43.000 They all should be scared, especially if you're fighting with her.
01:13:45.000 Even Tiger Woods in his prime, when he went eight, ten tournaments a year, it's like he was losing 15 tournaments a year.
01:13:52.000 He was at some point challenged.
01:13:53.000 Well, yeah, obviously that's different, though.
01:13:55.000 Tyson, too.
01:13:56.000 It's like he was beating guys that were like, Tyson was those 20-second fights.
01:13:58.000 Mm-hmm.
01:13:59.000 In the beginning, for sure.
01:14:00.000 Yeah, but he was beating guys that had belts that were like legit.
01:14:03.000 Like, I've heard of this guy before.
01:14:04.000 I knew Leon Spinks.
01:14:06.000 I had heard of him for years.
01:14:08.000 Well, he fought his brother.
01:14:09.000 Oh.
01:14:10.000 Michael Spinks.
01:14:10.000 Michael Spinks, yeah.
01:14:11.000 But yeah, he knocked him out in like 90 seconds.
01:14:14.000 It was a destruction.
01:14:15.000 He just ran through him.
01:14:16.000 Michael Spinks was a legit world champ.
01:14:18.000 Beat Larry Holmes.
01:14:19.000 Yeah, and then it was like, you're beating those guys.
01:14:21.000 He knocked Larry Holmes out, man.
01:14:23.000 Larry was past his prime.
01:14:24.000 I want to say Larry's in his late 30s.
01:14:26.000 Could Tyson come back now and fight?
01:14:28.000 No, I think he's too old now.
01:14:30.000 He's older than me.
01:14:31.000 I'm 47. I think he's 48 or 49. Wow.
01:14:34.000 Yeah.
01:14:35.000 He was...
01:14:35.000 I mean, people...
01:14:36.000 I didn't have...
01:14:37.000 I mean, no, actually Jordan.
01:14:39.000 But the way people talked about when Mike Tyson was fighting, it was like everyone stopped what they were doing.
01:14:45.000 You know, it was like Mike Tyson's coming up.
01:14:46.000 What do you think?
01:14:47.000 People just talk about it.
01:14:48.000 You've seen that documentary, right?
01:14:49.000 Mm-mm.
01:14:50.000 You haven't seen the Tyson documentary?
01:14:51.000 No.
01:14:52.000 Holy shit, dude.
01:14:53.000 It's amazing.
01:14:54.000 Yeah, he tells his life story.
01:14:55.000 It's incredible.
01:14:56.000 And that's how they decided to do this one-man show.
01:14:59.000 Which I think Spike Lee produces it, right?
01:15:01.000 Yeah.
01:15:02.000 And they do this one-man show and Tyson, he's killing them all over the world with this show.
01:15:06.000 Oh, he's doing it, traveling and doing it?
01:15:08.000 Oh, yeah.
01:15:08.000 Yeah, he did it in...
01:15:09.000 Like Raging Bull?
01:15:10.000 Was it in LA or in Vegas?
01:15:12.000 Yeah, he did in LA. He did in LA for a while?
01:15:14.000 Or at least he did it once.
01:15:15.000 And it shows up places and you do a run in a theater.
01:15:18.000 And it's good.
01:15:19.000 Oh yeah, people love it, man.
01:15:21.000 People love it.
01:15:21.000 His story is incredible.
01:15:23.000 He's growing up in the streets like that?
01:15:25.000 Yeah.
01:15:25.000 Raising pigeons?
01:15:26.000 They talk about the pigeons?
01:15:27.000 I forgot about the pigeons.
01:15:28.000 I don't know how much they talked about the pigeons.
01:15:30.000 I love those pigeons.
01:15:32.000 It's been a few years.
01:15:32.000 It's on HBO right now, the Tyson documentary.
01:15:34.000 See if you can find Mike Tyson talking about what was going through his mind when he's walking to the ring.
01:15:42.000 Because there's this one thing where he was talking about what it was like when he was in his prime.
01:15:46.000 Walking to the ring?
01:15:47.000 And he was describing what was going through his mind.
01:15:50.000 Like all his nerves and apprehension and all these different things and how they would evaporate as he would slowly but surely get closer and closer to the ring.
01:15:57.000 Wow.
01:15:57.000 And then when he stepped in through it, he goes, once I step into that rope, I am a god.
01:16:02.000 Wow.
01:16:03.000 And I was like, oh my god.
01:16:04.000 Like, when he says that, like, I'm a god.
01:16:07.000 Like, that was what's going through his mind.
01:16:09.000 Like, he...
01:16:09.000 Get to that level from, like, start to finish?
01:16:12.000 Wow.
01:16:12.000 He would just ramp himself up, and then once he got in there and he looked at his opponent, he just knew he was just gonna smash them.
01:16:19.000 Like Ghostbusters.
01:16:19.000 Who are you?
01:16:21.000 Are you a god?
01:16:22.000 No?
01:16:23.000 Then die!
01:16:26.000 I just saw it.
01:16:27.000 There's no way I can remember that.
01:16:43.000 As soon as I come into the ring, I'm gloved.
01:16:46.000 No, stop it.
01:16:47.000 That's not true.
01:16:49.000 While I'm in the dressing room, five minutes before I come out, my gloves are laced up.
01:16:54.000 I'm breaking my gloves down.
01:16:56.000 I'm pushing the lever on the back of my gloves.
01:16:58.000 I'm breaking the middle of the gloves for my knuckle to pierce through the leg.
01:17:00.000 I feel my knuckle piercing against the tight leather gloves on the Everlast boxing gloves.
01:17:05.000 When I come out, I have supreme confidence.
01:17:07.000 I'm scared to death.
01:17:09.000 I'm totally afraid.
01:17:10.000 I'm afraid of everything.
01:17:11.000 I'm afraid of losing.
01:17:12.000 I'm afraid of being humiliated.
01:17:13.000 But I'm totally confident.
01:17:15.000 The closer I get to the ring, the more confidence I get.
01:17:17.000 The closer, the more confidence I get.
01:17:19.000 The closer, the more confidence I get.
01:17:21.000 All during my training, I've been afraid of this man.
01:17:23.000 I thought this man might be capable of beating me.
01:17:25.000 I've dreamed of him beating me.
01:17:27.000 But I always stayed afraid of him.
01:17:30.000 But the closer I get to the ring, I'm more confident.
01:17:33.000 Once I'm in the ring, I'm a god.
01:17:34.000 No one can beat me.
01:17:39.000 Oh my God!
01:17:40.000 I walk around the arena, but I never take my eyes off my opponent.
01:17:44.000 I keep my eyes on him, even if he's ready and pumping.
01:17:47.000 He can't wait to get his hands on me as well.
01:17:50.000 I keep my eyes on him.
01:17:51.000 I keep my eyes on him.
01:17:52.000 I keep my eyes on him.
01:17:53.000 Then once I see a chink in his arm, boom!
01:17:56.000 One of his eyes may move, and then I know I have him.
01:17:59.000 Then when he comes to the center of the ring, he still looks at me with his piercing look, as if he's not afraid.
01:18:04.000 But he already made that mistake when he looked down for that one-tenth of a second.
01:18:09.000 I know I had him.
01:18:10.000 He'll fight hard for the first two or three rounds.
01:18:12.000 I know I already broke his spirit.
01:18:15.000 Jesus fucking Christ.
01:18:17.000 Wow, he's on the ground, Arjun!
01:18:24.000 Jesus Christ.
01:18:35.000 Jesus Christ.
01:18:41.000 Wow, that was cool.
01:18:43.000 When he was at his best.
01:18:44.000 I like that, train in fear of this guy beating you so you train harder.
01:18:48.000 That's what comics need.
01:18:50.000 You need confidence when you're on stage, but lack of confidence every other moment.
01:18:55.000 Complete like you suck get better you suck get better You definitely can't have a distorted perception if you start being a conference you won't get better Well, it's the one thing that we all despise is a comic who's not Doing well, right?
01:19:09.000 Mm-hmm.
01:19:09.000 Yeah, everybody despises.
01:19:11.000 That was great.
01:19:11.000 Like really you're saying that out loud.
01:19:13.000 That was great We just saw you bomb you gotta admit you bombed otherwise we can't talk cuz when I bomb I'm gonna tell you I just ate fucking fat dick up there Like fuck like remember you called me you tell me you had a bad set in London we talked about it like that shit happens man such a bad set devastating that's fucking devastating so if someone pretends that it's not like we can't talk now now we can't talk because now you're not being real do you always win?
01:19:39.000 I'm trying to open up and be cool and you're like not Every time you win, you win everything, you're the best ever.
01:19:44.000 I was always the best.
01:19:45.000 I always had gold medal.
01:19:46.000 From the time I was a baby.
01:19:47.000 Gold medal.
01:19:48.000 Number one in class.
01:19:50.000 Number one with gym.
01:19:51.000 Number one football.
01:19:52.000 It's my pick of sports.
01:19:53.000 I'm number one.
01:19:55.000 Tyson was amazing.
01:19:56.000 Jesus, that was so cool.
01:19:57.000 It's a great moment in time.
01:19:58.000 What he's thinking of as he comes to the...
01:20:01.000 And that reminds me of what you were thinking of when you were walking through that hotel fire in San Francisco, which you can see right now.
01:20:06.000 This Thursday night, live, on Comedy Central!
01:20:10.000 If you want to see these old stories, they're on demand, but they're also on YouTube.
01:20:15.000 If you go to the This Is Not Happening playlist, you can see all of them.
01:20:18.000 This year and the last season, the one before that, Rogan has got another story, too, from last year.
01:20:24.000 That's a better one, quite honestly.
01:20:26.000 You think so?
01:20:26.000 Yeah.
01:20:26.000 All right, nice.
01:20:27.000 Well, look at that one, too.
01:20:28.000 The stripper's a better one.
01:20:29.000 The stripper ones, too.
01:20:30.000 It's a true story, too.
01:20:31.000 I like how you worked on this one and made it better, though.
01:20:33.000 I made it better, but it's just not as good.
01:20:35.000 The hotel fire one.
01:20:37.000 It's just the stripper story is just so good.
01:20:39.000 I remember that bitch.
01:20:41.000 I still, to this day, think about her.
01:20:43.000 She was so crazy.
01:20:44.000 To this day, I almost wish I could find a way to barely stay in touch with her, just We'll hear her talk.
01:20:51.000 That story, too.
01:20:51.000 You're like, I don't know.
01:20:52.000 I don't do stories, man.
01:20:53.000 I don't have any stories.
01:20:53.000 I'm like, you have one that's amazing.
01:20:55.000 What about that one?
01:20:56.000 I'm seeing you tell it.
01:20:57.000 Oh, yeah.
01:20:58.000 I forgot about it.
01:20:59.000 I forgot about that story.
01:21:01.000 Almost a million views now.
01:21:02.000 That's hilarious.
01:21:03.000 Yeah.
01:21:04.000 Yeah.
01:21:06.000 So...
01:21:06.000 Thanks.
01:21:06.000 To see you go from, you know, those early days where you're trying to become a paid regular to struggling to see you now where you're balling out of control.
01:21:16.000 Feels great.
01:21:17.000 Trying to talk you into buying a luxury automobile.
01:21:18.000 It's not gonna happen.
01:21:19.000 You fucking frugal bastard.
01:21:21.000 It's not I'm leaving LA. I'm not going to have a car for the next 10 months.
01:21:24.000 Even more baller.
01:21:26.000 Garage that shit.
01:21:30.000 And put a cardboard cutout of you with your cock hanging out and leave it there to guard it.
01:21:36.000 That's where I'll put a for sale sign in, which is a big dick.
01:21:39.000 That's the price.
01:21:40.000 For sale on your dick.
01:21:43.000 I don't need money anymore.
01:21:45.000 I was poor for too long, so now I'm content with very little.
01:21:48.000 That's nice, but you're gonna get used to, like, what do I do with this money?
01:21:52.000 I'm gonna have to start buying some shit, otherwise it's stupid to have money.
01:21:55.000 And then you're gonna, you know, I need a car.
01:21:56.000 And we're gonna go, get a car.
01:21:58.000 Come on, get a car.
01:22:00.000 I'm just gonna get something like a Prius or something that's good on gas, and someone will talk you into a BMW or something.
01:22:05.000 Yeah, exactly.
01:22:06.000 And you'll be corrupted like Duncan.
01:22:07.000 Duncan's corrupted.
01:22:07.000 He's got a nice black Mercedes-Benz.
01:22:10.000 Yeah, Duncan's corrupted.
01:22:12.000 I fucking love it, man!
01:22:14.000 Now I get it!
01:22:15.000 Yeah.
01:22:16.000 I always told them.
01:22:17.000 Duncan lives large.
01:22:18.000 He's got a tangerine tree in his backyard.
01:22:19.000 Ooh, tangerines.
01:22:20.000 That are delicious.
01:22:21.000 Homegrown fruit.
01:22:23.000 Hmm.
01:22:24.000 Yeah.
01:22:25.000 I wonder how pollution affects, like, plants that you eat.
01:22:28.000 Like, when you grow a garden and you're in Silver Lake, you're dealing with some fucking...
01:22:32.000 Isn't it the water, too?
01:22:33.000 Because someone's like, you gotta wash the outside.
01:22:35.000 But I'm like, but it's the inside.
01:22:36.000 It's drinking the polluted water and putting that into the fruit.
01:22:39.000 Yeah.
01:22:40.000 Yeah, it depends.
01:22:42.000 I mean, most people, I think in California, if you have a fruit tree, you probably have to have some sort of irrigation system going on to water it, too.
01:22:52.000 You're probably watering it from tap water.
01:22:54.000 Yeah, but if that picks up all the pollution, not pollution, all the fucking insecticides, Well, that's not...
01:23:03.000 The water that comes out of your faucet definitely doesn't have insecticides.
01:23:08.000 You think there's insecticides on his plants?
01:23:10.000 Like the fruit plants?
01:23:13.000 He's not putting any sprays on his plants.
01:23:14.000 Oh, no, not Duncan.
01:23:16.000 That's what I'm saying.
01:23:17.000 I'm saying someone who grows fruit or vegetables or anything in their house in Silver Lake.
01:23:21.000 If you're living in a place that...
01:23:22.000 L.A. is polluted.
01:23:26.000 There's nowhere around it.
01:23:27.000 It's definitely not being in the mountains.
01:23:29.000 So is that in the tangerines, too?
01:23:31.000 Yeah.
01:23:32.000 What happens there?
01:23:33.000 If the tangerines are breathing the air...
01:23:35.000 It feeds it.
01:23:36.000 The tree feeds it.
01:23:37.000 Yeah.
01:23:37.000 The trees scrub more pollution.
01:23:40.000 Yeah, we know that, right, because they eat carbon dioxide.
01:23:44.000 It turns it into something.
01:23:46.000 Mm-hmm.
01:23:48.000 Converts them to less harmful compounds.
01:23:50.000 Less harmful.
01:23:50.000 Yeah.
01:23:51.000 Not even not harmful.
01:23:52.000 Less harmful.
01:23:54.000 What is it saying?
01:23:55.000 It absorbs pollutants and turns those into less harmful.
01:24:00.000 So it absorbs that and also creates oxygen.
01:24:04.000 I'm not saying fuck trees.
01:24:06.000 You need trees.
01:24:07.000 But my point is, what happens to the fruit?
01:24:11.000 Does the fruit get pollution in it?
01:24:13.000 I feel like it would.
01:24:14.000 Yeah.
01:24:15.000 It's good to have trees if you live in a shithole.
01:24:18.000 Science with Joe and Ari!
01:24:20.000 We don't know shit.
01:24:22.000 I think.
01:24:23.000 I think we're high.
01:24:27.000 Yeah, it seems like it would be better to have something growing where there's not cars driving by every day.
01:24:33.000 Yeah.
01:24:33.000 If you're going to eat it, you know?
01:24:35.000 Yeah.
01:24:36.000 Yeah, probably not.
01:24:37.000 It's probably fucking terrible for you.
01:24:39.000 It's probably less good for you.
01:24:41.000 It was such a sweet.
01:24:43.000 Me and Simone ate one before we went to the UFC. It was so good.
01:24:47.000 If you could compare that to a tangerine grown...
01:24:51.000 Fresh off the tree, though, it was extra sweet.
01:24:54.000 It was still getting nutrients.
01:24:56.000 It was still being shaken while we were fucking peeling it, pretty much.
01:24:59.000 Yeah.
01:25:01.000 Damn.
01:25:02.000 It's nice to have.
01:25:02.000 I used to have a fucking plum tree and it died, man.
01:25:05.000 Really?
01:25:06.000 Yeah, it just got old.
01:25:07.000 I had it for a long time.
01:25:09.000 It bared a lot of fruit.
01:25:10.000 It bared, like, the most fruit, like, the last couple years before it petered out.
01:25:16.000 Like, it's almost like this is its last...
01:25:17.000 Was it good the last few years?
01:25:18.000 Oh, so good.
01:25:19.000 But it was its last 4th of July, you know, grand finale.
01:25:22.000 Boom, boom, [...
01:25:24.000 And then one year...
01:25:26.000 I think the fireworks over.
01:25:27.000 No, they're not over!
01:25:28.000 They're even better!
01:25:30.000 And then done.
01:25:30.000 One year, it just stopped growing fruit.
01:25:32.000 And I was like, man, is there something wrong with the irrigation?
01:25:35.000 We checked and it just got old.
01:25:37.000 Really?
01:25:38.000 Yeah, apparently some fruit trees just get old and they don't make fruit anymore.
01:25:41.000 Like people?
01:25:42.000 Just like people.
01:25:43.000 I don't know what the year was.
01:25:45.000 I wonder how long the fucking thing had been there.
01:25:47.000 I had assumed that whoever had made the house had put it there.
01:25:50.000 But I think that some people get them like planted as full trees.
01:25:53.000 Like my neighbor, he grew a fucking orchard.
01:25:56.000 Orchard?
01:25:57.000 Orchard?
01:25:57.000 Orchard?
01:25:58.000 Orchard?
01:25:59.000 Orchard?
01:25:59.000 Orchard?
01:26:00.000 Orchard?
01:26:01.000 He built one in his front yard.
01:26:04.000 That's cool.
01:26:05.000 Yeah.
01:26:05.000 Oh, it looks really cool.
01:26:06.000 He's got like 20 trees out there.
01:26:07.000 Oh, a bunch of trees.
01:26:08.000 Yeah, he's got like 20 of them and he installed them all like as full-grown trees.
01:26:12.000 So it blocks a view from the street?
01:26:15.000 No, no, no.
01:26:15.000 I mean, not really.
01:26:17.000 It's on the side of his house.
01:26:18.000 That's pretty cool, though.
01:26:19.000 But it's a pretty big lot, and he grows fruit.
01:26:21.000 I played Farmville.
01:26:21.000 I know what time it is.
01:26:22.000 You do play Farmville.
01:26:24.000 I did.
01:26:25.000 I do not anymore.
01:26:26.000 That's one of the things that is not up-to-date on the flip phone.
01:26:29.000 It's their Farmville game is weak.
01:26:32.000 Well, let's talk about this.
01:26:34.000 In trying this thing where you've abandoned society and everything's good.
01:26:39.000 Not abandoned society.
01:26:40.000 I've gotten off the train.
01:26:41.000 I'm not off the grid.
01:26:43.000 And leaving the iPhone slash Android wonderland of apps and videos and images.
01:26:50.000 It's been two and a half months now.
01:26:51.000 To go back to a fucking skanky little flip phone.
01:26:53.000 Yeah.
01:26:54.000 Ridiculous little thing that sucks at texting.
01:26:56.000 How much better is your texting got?
01:26:59.000 It's gotten better.
01:27:00.000 Absolutely.
01:27:01.000 I want to get one where it's like the sidekick where you flip it open, but too many of those have apps that come standard with it.
01:27:12.000 What happens when people send you links?
01:27:14.000 I see the link and I have to email it to myself, to my computer, so then I can look at it.
01:27:21.000 What do you mean?
01:27:22.000 How do you do it?
01:27:23.000 There's no other way.
01:27:24.000 That's hilarious.
01:27:25.000 Now, has this fucked with you business-wise at all?
01:27:28.000 AriShaffir.ComedyDirect.com Yeah.
01:27:32.000 Everyone go there for my special.
01:27:34.000 AriShaffir.ComedyDirect.com Has it fucked with business at all?
01:27:37.000 Okay.
01:27:38.000 If there was any time where I thought maybe I won't be able to handle this, it's while I had a premiere of my...
01:27:44.000 Paid regular special in January, the show, the entire run of the show, which has only two weeks left, and passive-aggressive, my other special, that would be the time when I wouldn't be able to handle it.
01:27:56.000 And I'm getting by.
01:27:58.000 So I gotta think, in a month or two, it's gonna be a breeze.
01:28:04.000 Pluses to minuses.
01:28:06.000 Okay, let's do minuses first.
01:28:07.000 Let's do minuses.
01:28:10.000 I have to text to Twitter.
01:28:12.000 Oh, good lord.
01:28:13.000 Yeah, and the text is T9, so is that the word, T9, for that?
01:28:16.000 Yeah, so it takes a while, so you've got to really have in your mind what you want to tweet.
01:28:20.000 And when I started tweeting, I went to the old, it was my contacts, it was Twitter, I was like, oh, I think it's 40404, I think that's what it is.
01:28:28.000 And I sent a tweet, like he used to, he used to send it by text.
01:28:32.000 And then they emailed me saying, I think you've been hacked.
01:28:34.000 Mm-hmm.
01:28:36.000 Unless you meant to text a tweet out.
01:28:38.000 Which, by the way, when you're at the UFC and there's no data because everyone's sharing data, that's a little trick.
01:28:43.000 Text a tweet.
01:28:44.000 Ooh.
01:28:45.000 Yeah, you can get shit out.
01:28:46.000 You can't check everything, but you can text something out.
01:28:48.000 Really?
01:28:48.000 Yeah.
01:28:49.000 Pictures are harder.
01:28:50.000 I think you've got to include a subject line or something.
01:28:52.000 But anyway, that's difficult, but I can get it done.
01:28:55.000 But the pro on the same side as that is that I cannot check any twit responses.
01:29:00.000 That's pro?
01:29:00.000 Total pro.
01:29:01.000 In terms of giving me my time back.
01:29:04.000 Yeah.
01:29:04.000 Total pro.
01:29:04.000 I can't check it, so why even get lost in doing it?
01:29:08.000 Was that the thing?
01:29:08.000 Tweet responses?
01:29:09.000 Absolutely.
01:29:09.000 That was one of the big ones.
01:29:10.000 When I was in an elevator and the doors closed.
01:29:13.000 Well...
01:29:14.000 Come on!
01:29:15.000 Here's a negative.
01:29:16.000 What is that?
01:29:16.000 There's an Amber Alert in San Pedro, California.
01:29:18.000 And you get it on your phone?
01:29:19.000 I guess so.
01:29:20.000 It's because all old ladies have those.
01:29:21.000 They love that shit.
01:29:22.000 I didn't know about that.
01:29:23.000 What the fuck is this?
01:29:25.000 Old people...
01:29:26.000 What if I'm in a meeting?
01:29:27.000 Old people love those fucking phones.
01:29:30.000 Well, I'll just fucking pass it along.
01:29:32.000 It's a great Nissan Altima 2006. California plates.
01:29:37.000 LIC... Oh, I don't know what LIC is.
01:29:39.000 Dash 5UCF010. If you see him...
01:29:44.000 Stop him.
01:29:45.000 Don't wait for the cops.
01:29:46.000 Yeah, treat him like you would Ted Bundy.
01:29:48.000 Call it in, but then proceed.
01:29:49.000 No, don't listen to us.
01:29:51.000 Listen, we're joking.
01:29:52.000 Call it in and follow that motherfucker.
01:29:54.000 You got a cell phone.
01:29:55.000 This is why.
01:29:55.000 Listen to his story first.
01:29:57.000 He might have a point.
01:29:58.000 No.
01:29:58.000 Listen to his story.
01:30:00.000 Sometimes when they go Amber Alert and they go, his father abducted him, I'm like, mm, the citizen is cutting dry then.
01:30:06.000 Oh.
01:30:06.000 There was a terrible story about a woman who is getting arrested.
01:30:09.000 She's taking her kid away, her four-year-old, like her and her husband are in some sort of a custody battle.
01:30:14.000 Yeah.
01:30:15.000 And she took the four-year-old away because he was getting circumcised.
01:30:19.000 They wanted to get him circumcised.
01:30:20.000 Oh, and she said, no fucking way.
01:30:21.000 And she was like, no fucking way.
01:30:22.000 And so they arrested her.
01:30:24.000 And it's this crazy story.
01:30:26.000 And I see people that are pro and con and people duking it out over the subject.
01:30:32.000 But that's not as cut and dry as an abduction.
01:30:34.000 No.
01:30:34.000 Like, you're still with a parent.
01:30:36.000 It's just not the weekend.
01:30:38.000 But they're still, like, they were threatening her with jail.
01:30:40.000 Right.
01:30:40.000 Like, you know, she was on the run.
01:30:41.000 She was like a fugitive.
01:30:42.000 I mean, you can't do that, but I would say let the cops handle that.
01:30:45.000 You can't cut a kid's fucking dick either.
01:30:47.000 Jesus Christ.
01:30:48.000 What is that nonsense?
01:30:50.000 What is that nonsense?
01:30:51.000 I don't want to hear any of this that prevents AIDS. Shut the fuck up.
01:30:55.000 That is not preventing any AIDS. No matter what propaganda they throw your way.
01:30:58.000 Dirty dicks.
01:30:58.000 So does girls shaving their vaginas.
01:31:00.000 Yeah, prevents AIDS. Prevents AIDS. Because it's less chafing.
01:31:05.000 Shave those buses.
01:31:06.000 Listen, that's not the way to prevent AIDS, you fucking geniuses.
01:31:09.000 What do you mean?
01:31:10.000 How else?
01:31:11.000 Wear a condom?
01:31:12.000 Come on, be realistic.
01:31:13.000 I'm talking to people out there that think they should cut their kid's dick to make them not get AIDS. That's not why people are doing it.
01:31:19.000 They're probably going to get AIDS anyway.
01:31:20.000 Most guys don't get AIDS from their dick.
01:31:32.000 Here's another negative.
01:31:33.000 Instagram is unusable.
01:31:35.000 I can do pictures only from my laptop.
01:31:39.000 I figured out a hack to do it.
01:31:40.000 I don't know that hack.
01:31:41.000 Tell me after this.
01:31:42.000 I think it's Growler or something like that.
01:31:44.000 It's a service.
01:31:45.000 Just Google it, but yeah.
01:31:47.000 Service.
01:31:49.000 So there's that, and you can't really check all your responses that much.
01:31:52.000 But that's good, right?
01:31:53.000 Yeah, it's good.
01:31:54.000 You could definitely get caught up in too much interaction.
01:31:57.000 You told me something when I was doing this, and you said something that I've quoted to people when you were like, well, I couldn't live without Instagram.
01:32:02.000 And my thought was, you did seven months ago.
01:32:05.000 You lived without Instagram.
01:32:06.000 As of the time you told me that.
01:32:08.000 So it's like, the ideas of what we can and can't live without is like, distorted.
01:32:12.000 I told you that I couldn't live without Instagram?
01:32:14.000 You were half joking, but the idea of that...
01:32:16.000 I was definitely joking.
01:32:17.000 I mean, of course you could live without it.
01:32:18.000 That would be the one thing that I would like...
01:32:20.000 No, you love Instagram.
01:32:21.000 You know what I love about it?
01:32:22.000 You could write as much as you want.
01:32:25.000 You could write several paragraphs.
01:32:26.000 Can't include a link.
01:32:28.000 No, you can't include a link.
01:32:29.000 But if you have a photograph that has kind of a silly story to it, and it's kind of funny, or if you have something that means something to you, you could actually...
01:32:36.000 Fill out as long as you want.
01:32:38.000 People can read it or not read it.
01:32:40.000 Sort of like the idea of editing a podcast.
01:32:42.000 Yeah, absolutely.
01:32:43.000 I'm not editing shit.
01:32:47.000 I do a three-hour podcast.
01:32:48.000 You listen to it.
01:32:49.000 You don't.
01:32:49.000 Whatever.
01:32:50.000 I love on Skeptic Tank, when I finish interviewing somebody, he's like, oh, so you're going to chop that down?
01:32:53.000 What parts are you getting on?
01:32:54.000 No, man.
01:32:55.000 Unless I have to.
01:32:56.000 Unless you said something incriminating, no.
01:32:58.000 Some guys love to do that, though.
01:32:59.000 They love to edit them and chop them down and get the right amount.
01:33:03.000 That was one of the things that Joey had a problem with, with the young lady that he was doing his last podcast with.
01:33:08.000 There was some editing going on.
01:33:09.000 He's like, why?
01:33:10.000 Just leave it all.
01:33:11.000 You can't edit Joey fucking Diaz.
01:33:13.000 Yeah, you have to figure out what to do.
01:33:14.000 Yeah, get the fuck out of here.
01:33:15.000 That was the hardest part of this not happening, was getting these stories down to time, but not lose.
01:33:21.000 Allow the comics to like, yeah, riff, and we'll take it out if it doesn't work.
01:33:23.000 But then at the same time, you've got to have it.
01:33:27.000 So like Joey Diaz's story, next week, or this week, he's going to be the last one, and that'll be two act breaks.
01:33:32.000 Because I was like, guys, you can lose 30 seconds here, a minute there.
01:33:36.000 It's just too big a story.
01:33:37.000 But yeah, you can't.
01:33:38.000 So there's a commercial in the middle of it.
01:33:42.000 How long is it totaled that way?
01:33:44.000 What?
01:33:45.000 How long is it totaled?
01:33:46.000 I think it's like 13 minutes long.
01:33:50.000 They're used to having stand-up on TV. It's like seven.
01:33:52.000 I'm like, well, this ain't that.
01:33:53.000 They're stories.
01:33:54.000 This ain't that.
01:33:55.000 They go as long as they go.
01:33:56.000 Joey's stories are epic.
01:33:57.000 For your story, I had to ask them, I was like, listen, I know the act breaks are seven and a half max.
01:34:03.000 His story's eight and a half.
01:34:05.000 Can you just take the time off another act break?
01:34:08.000 And they were like, let us check.
01:34:09.000 And they're like, yeah.
01:34:10.000 Like, great.
01:34:10.000 Thank you.
01:34:11.000 So you just have to have a certain amount of minutes.
01:34:13.000 That's what it is.
01:34:16.000 That's something that's really interesting, too, because I watched you develop that from doing it the annex room, the little small room with the improv.
01:34:22.000 You did it there, on the side stage?
01:34:23.000 Yeah, it was just like you were just trying to stretch, just fuck around and see what happens.
01:34:28.000 Exactly, see what happens.
01:34:30.000 My storytelling's gotten a lot better from doing it for five years.
01:34:33.000 I would imagine.
01:34:34.000 Well, guys like Joey Diaz or guys like Charlie Murphy, how do you think they got so good at telling stories?
01:34:38.000 They tell a lot of goddamn stories.
01:34:40.000 They've been telling stories forever.
01:34:41.000 Charlie Murphy can captivate you with those goddamn stories.
01:34:45.000 It's because he's been around dudes that are good at it.
01:34:47.000 He picked up how to do it by doing his own stories over and over again.
01:34:51.000 You realize the rush you get.
01:34:54.000 When Joey's telling a great story and we are howling, laughing, even if it's just the three of us at Five Guys Burger, we're having a great time.
01:35:01.000 It might as well be a packed room filled with a thousand people.
01:35:04.000 Yeah, that's the theory behind it.
01:35:05.000 You've entertained people like this, and you're a comedian, so you're a natural...
01:35:09.000 When people say, what do you do, you just talk?
01:35:11.000 It's like, yeah, but it's a comedian just talking.
01:35:12.000 That's what a podcast is.
01:35:13.000 So it's always way funnier.
01:35:14.000 A comic telling a story, especially if they're good at it like Joey Diaz?
01:35:18.000 Yeah.
01:35:18.000 Joey has some of the most epic stories of all time.
01:35:21.000 He has a couple on there if you haven't seen them.
01:35:23.000 This Is Not Happening playlist.
01:35:24.000 Go to YouTube.
01:35:25.000 Just look at all of them.
01:35:26.000 How many does he have on your thing?
01:35:27.000 He's got two.
01:35:28.000 Because I was like, yeah, we're going to have him back the second season.
01:35:30.000 And they were like, do you want to have people back that have already done the digital one for TV? And I was like, yeah, Diaz and Big J, of course.
01:35:36.000 And Rogan.
01:35:36.000 Like, what do you mean?
01:35:37.000 Yes.
01:35:38.000 Yes, we're just gonna do that.
01:35:39.000 Like, people have more than one story.
01:35:41.000 Isn't it funny, though, that, like, when you're dealing with, like, a giant company now, you're dealing with a bunch of people, you're used to just doing what you want and doing what you think is funny.
01:35:52.000 When you do a podcast, when you do anything.
01:35:55.000 But, like, When you actually have to cooperate with other people, and you have to have these conversations about the direction of the show, that's all a new thing for you.
01:36:02.000 It's very new.
01:36:03.000 Being a producer is new as fuck.
01:36:05.000 And I don't know how to do it, and I don't know the rules, and you can't tell this person that.
01:36:08.000 I'm like, why?
01:36:09.000 They have to help me through it.
01:36:10.000 But the thing is, as long as you explain to someone with logic what you want to do, then they'll go, oh, okay, sure, we'll do it that way.
01:36:17.000 Like when I was editing my special.
01:36:19.000 Paid regular.
01:36:20.000 Not the one that's coming out on Friday.
01:36:22.000 Passive-aggressive.
01:36:22.000 Such a DVR. Such a DVR. Friday night.
01:36:26.000 11.59.
01:36:30.000 And they were like, oh, we don't like this angle.
01:36:32.000 Can you change it?
01:36:33.000 And I was like, actually, we used the other shot of that and there's somebody picking their nose right by the stage.
01:36:37.000 Something like that.
01:36:38.000 And so that's why we can't use that shot.
01:36:39.000 They go, oh, okay.
01:36:40.000 Great.
01:36:41.000 So then use the one you want to use then.
01:36:43.000 If you just explain to them.
01:36:44.000 Right.
01:36:45.000 Like, there's no fight, then they're totally cool people.
01:36:47.000 Well, this group of people that are running Comedy Central now are awesome.
01:36:51.000 Art is friendly.
01:36:51.000 That shit about letting you get eight and a half minutes is like a sign of like, cool, you understand.
01:36:56.000 Let's update some stuff.
01:36:58.000 Let's come into the future a little.
01:36:59.000 And they're all cool about it.
01:37:00.000 They were great through your show.
01:37:02.000 They were great through when I was filming my special.
01:37:04.000 They were great when you were filming your special.
01:37:06.000 They're just nice people.
01:37:07.000 And they enjoy what's going on.
01:37:09.000 That's the thing, too.
01:37:10.000 They're comedy fans.
01:37:11.000 So what they really want is something awesome to come out.
01:37:14.000 Give them a plug, Ari.
01:37:15.000 Give them a plug.
01:37:16.000 Jonas and Ann.
01:37:18.000 They're great.
01:37:18.000 Nice people.
01:37:19.000 Give them a plug.
01:37:21.000 Yeah.
01:37:22.000 It's awesome.
01:37:23.000 They're cool people, too.
01:37:24.000 I hang out with them.
01:37:26.000 This is a really good time for comedy, man.
01:37:28.000 It's a really good time at the store.
01:37:29.000 It's a really good time on Comedy Central.
01:37:31.000 It's a really good time.
01:37:32.000 There's a lot of funny fucking comics.
01:37:34.000 We just put up a show tomorrow night.
01:37:35.000 What's today?
01:37:36.000 Monday?
01:37:37.000 Wednesday night.
01:37:37.000 It's already sold out.
01:37:38.000 Sorry.
01:37:39.000 Sorry, bitches!
01:37:41.000 Yeah, Diaz, Brian Callan, Tony Hinchcliffe, Ian Edwards.
01:37:47.000 People are calling for me to debate Brendan Shaw on American Sniper.
01:37:52.000 That's a good show, though.
01:37:53.000 Fuck.
01:37:54.000 You and him debating about American Sniper?
01:37:56.000 Yeah.
01:37:56.000 You debating anybody.
01:37:57.000 I need to get permission from you to release that video of you disparaging our heroes in front of the Ice House comic book.
01:38:05.000 I have no secrets.
01:38:06.000 There's no permissions for me.
01:38:07.000 I seem to remember that being a very controversial statement.
01:38:11.000 Oh, really?
01:38:12.000 On their behalf.
01:38:13.000 And I'm not sure you want that out in the public.
01:38:15.000 Oh, really?
01:38:15.000 You said it sucked.
01:38:16.000 You said it was a shitty fucking movie.
01:38:18.000 That's the thing.
01:38:18.000 Anybody who wants me to debate, it's like, you know, I'm going to debate the acting.
01:38:20.000 I'm not going to debate Chris Kyle in any way.
01:38:22.000 I'm going to debate the acting and the storytelling in that movie.
01:38:24.000 Hey, bro, bro, you got a fucking, the guy's a hero, bro.
01:38:28.000 Yeah, but so what?
01:38:29.000 That fucking scene where he met his wife was garbage!
01:38:31.000 Bro, bro, bro, bro.
01:38:32.000 Respect.
01:38:33.000 Okay, it's about Christopher Columbus and snipers.
01:38:35.000 Yeah, you should give respect and shoot that scene more than once, fucking Eastwood, you old man.
01:38:40.000 Why don't you and fucking...
01:38:41.000 What's his name?
01:38:43.000 Howard Stern go suck each other off in your old man camp.
01:38:46.000 Oh my goodness!
01:38:47.000 Oh my goodness!
01:38:48.000 Get your wrinkled cocks in each other's mouths and go fucking support shitty comedy again.
01:38:53.000 You guys are garbage.
01:38:54.000 How dare you.
01:38:55.000 They've lost it!
01:38:56.000 Unforgiven was amazing!
01:38:57.000 Let's not take that away from him.
01:38:59.000 How old was he when he made Unforgiven?
01:39:00.000 That was 15, 20 years ago.
01:39:03.000 It was great, and it was a culmination of all the stuff he had done to that point.
01:39:07.000 He made a real Western.
01:39:08.000 You're upset with Howard Stern because he said that shit about podcasting.
01:39:12.000 That's the new thing I'm upset with Howard Stern over.
01:39:14.000 It just shows how much he's lost touch.
01:39:16.000 Like, that's not the way you become a radio DJ! Stern!
01:39:19.000 No one wants to become a radio DJ who's doing podcasts.
01:39:22.000 That's not our end goal.
01:39:23.000 He might be doing that, though.
01:39:24.000 He's a very clever guy.
01:39:25.000 He might be doing that just to get people to talk shit.
01:39:29.000 I guess so.
01:39:29.000 He said it's for losers.
01:39:30.000 So that means anyone who listens to a podcast and listens to Howard Stern, just so you know, Howard Stern called you a loser for listening to podcasts as well.
01:39:36.000 You gotta know how to take it to an act break.
01:39:38.000 No, you don't.
01:39:39.000 You can just not go to an act break.
01:39:41.000 What the fuck are you talking about?
01:39:43.000 Take it back to the 30s.
01:39:46.000 I think he was trying to fuck with people.
01:39:47.000 I really do.
01:39:48.000 No, I think he doesn't like the, what, are you going to make your pennies?
01:39:51.000 And he goes, Corolla shouldn't be in podcasts.
01:39:53.000 He should be doing radio.
01:39:54.000 It's like, oh, you just don't even know what it is.
01:39:56.000 You're commenting on shit.
01:39:57.000 You don't even know what it is.
01:39:58.000 I don't know, man.
01:39:59.000 I hear that from a guy like that.
01:40:00.000 He's too clever.
01:40:01.000 He was too clever.
01:40:02.000 I think he's probably, I don't know.
01:40:04.000 I think he's probably fucking with people.
01:40:06.000 Dude, he fucking does Dancing with the Stars.
01:40:08.000 What, is that a prank?
01:40:09.000 I don't think it's Dancing with the Stars.
01:40:10.000 America's Got Talent?
01:40:11.000 Whatever.
01:40:12.000 He likes it.
01:40:12.000 Some garbage show.
01:40:13.000 He likes it.
01:40:15.000 When he talks about it, it genuinely seems like he's enjoying it.
01:40:18.000 Giving people the opportunity.
01:40:19.000 Some of those people that come out of that show are actually really talented.
01:40:22.000 Cool jugglers and stuff?
01:40:23.000 I don't know.
01:40:23.000 I've never watched it.
01:40:24.000 What do you do in that show for?
01:40:26.000 Tom Cotter!
01:40:26.000 Tom Cotter, stand-up comic.
01:40:28.000 He's the guy that I came up with in Boston, way back in the day.
01:40:31.000 Hold on a second.
01:40:32.000 And you should know, but I don't know Tom Cotter at all.
01:40:34.000 But there's no way you're going to defend that show by saying, Tom fucking Cotter.
01:40:38.000 He's been fucking shitty since 84!
01:40:40.000 How dare you?
01:40:41.000 There's no way you're going to say that as an example of something good coming out of that show.
01:40:45.000 The fucking cool dancers.
01:40:46.000 Yeah, I'll give you that.
01:40:47.000 That's cool.
01:40:47.000 How do you do that with your body?
01:40:48.000 I like Tom Cotter.
01:40:49.000 I can't say any bad words.
01:40:50.000 No, you can't because you know him and like him, but I can't because I've never met him.
01:40:53.000 He's a beautiful human being.
01:40:54.000 Even when I was a little kid watching live from the Laugh Factory on Saturday night, I was like, who's this fucking cheeseball host?
01:41:00.000 How dare you?
01:41:01.000 Get to the amazing Jonathan!
01:41:03.000 How dare you?
01:41:04.000 How dare you?
01:41:05.000 Ari Shafir, you give him a TV show, the motherfucker goes on a rampage.
01:41:09.000 Balls out.
01:41:10.000 He's attacking Howard Stern, attacking Tom Cotter.
01:41:14.000 When's the last time he broke a real musician anymore?
01:41:18.000 I don't think he ever did that.
01:41:19.000 He did.
01:41:19.000 Did he really?
01:41:20.000 Yeah.
01:41:20.000 Bands like Soul Coughing.
01:41:22.000 I remember discovering them through Howard Stern.
01:41:24.000 This is a good band.
01:41:25.000 You're right, Stern.
01:41:26.000 He was listening to rock music.
01:41:27.000 But now he's fucking 104. And 104-year-olds don't have their finger on the pulse.
01:41:32.000 I don't think he's that old.
01:41:33.000 That's why the guy from Saturday Live, he's just like, well, hire young black people.
01:41:38.000 Just hire somebody that is young.
01:41:40.000 Well, I think, honestly, this is my take on it.
01:41:43.000 I want to be completely objective.
01:41:44.000 I think what he's doing is what he enjoys.
01:41:47.000 This is who he is now.
01:41:49.000 This is who he is now.
01:41:50.000 We can't want a guy to be who we thought he was or who he used to be.
01:41:55.000 Dude, there's nothing.
01:41:56.000 Comedians, athletes, musicians, no one keeps up at the high level they perform at all the time.
01:42:02.000 They fade.
01:42:02.000 But this is where I think you're wrong, because Stern has really good interviews.
01:42:07.000 They're really good.
01:42:08.000 Still?
01:42:08.000 New ones?
01:42:08.000 Very good.
01:42:09.000 He just did one with Kid Rock.
01:42:11.000 He's very good.
01:42:12.000 I think he's one of the very best ever.
01:42:16.000 At interviewing?
01:42:17.000 Yeah, at getting people to talk about stuff.
01:42:18.000 And was there a new one that was a good interview?
01:42:20.000 Alright, well then he's a good interviewer still.
01:42:22.000 Dude, he's still very good, man.
01:42:23.000 He might have some ideas that I don't agree with, like the podcasters are losers, but he's still, like that guy is like, if you go back and look at all the radio influences, like that guy's the number one radio guy of all time.
01:42:37.000 Not just of all time.
01:42:38.000 He used to like Sam Kinison.
01:42:38.000 He used to like Sam Kinison and was like, this guy's legit funny.
01:42:41.000 And now he likes fucking one-liner comics.
01:42:44.000 Safe one-liner comics.
01:42:46.000 I don't know.
01:42:46.000 I bet he still likes really funny comics, too.
01:42:49.000 I don't buy it, man.
01:42:50.000 I mean, I don't talk to the dude on a regular basis.
01:42:53.000 I haven't seen him in a long time.
01:42:54.000 Didn't get the black keys.
01:42:55.000 I was like, nah, I don't get it.
01:42:56.000 Why do you want to have them on?
01:42:57.000 Really?
01:42:58.000 Irrelevant, man.
01:42:59.000 They had to force them into playing his birthday party because he was like, he wouldn't play them.
01:43:03.000 Are you sure about that?
01:43:05.000 That's who played his birthday party, right?
01:43:07.000 Yeah, but you're sure that he didn't want them there?
01:43:09.000 Yeah, I just wouldn't have them.
01:43:10.000 No, I'm not sure about anything, but that's what I heard.
01:43:12.000 Oh, that I heard shit.
01:43:13.000 Yeah, that's what I hear from people who listen to him.
01:43:16.000 I don't know, man.
01:43:18.000 If it wasn't for him, it wasn't for all the shit that he went through with the FCC and all the- Sure, absolutely.
01:43:23.000 And then he tries to say that ONA went too far having a homeless guy on.
01:43:28.000 And it's like, dude, fuck you.
01:43:29.000 You're a relevant piece of shit.
01:43:30.000 Well, you know, I think- On the side of freedom, only when it's your freedom of speech, no one else's?
01:43:35.000 They're just his enemy.
01:43:36.000 And that was his idea, was that his enemies he would go after with all of his weapons.
01:43:42.000 His weapon is mortgaging his fucking art and what he believes in, that people should be allowed to say whatever they want.
01:43:48.000 That is what it's all about, right?
01:43:50.000 I mean, it's gotta kind of be that, and it's gotta kind of stand up for itself.
01:43:54.000 You gotta say, like, fuck those guys, but of course they should be able to say what they want.
01:43:57.000 But please, everyone, do not listen to them, because they suck.
01:43:59.000 That's what you should say.
01:44:00.000 Hmm.
01:44:02.000 Or just...
01:44:02.000 You shouldn't say, that went too far, you can't say certain things.
01:44:05.000 Come on, man, you went too far a hundred times, and it was great, and now the line was moved.
01:44:09.000 Do you think that's because, like, in those days when they had time slots, that the time slot was the king?
01:44:16.000 And maybe that's why we're not like that at all.
01:44:18.000 Because, like, if you think about it, all of our friends...
01:44:20.000 The morning drive time was huge to get that.
01:44:22.000 All of our friends what?
01:44:22.000 All of our friends have podcasts, and we're always on all of our friends' podcasts.
01:44:26.000 I've been on yours, you've been on Diaz's, I've been on Diaz's.
01:44:29.000 We're all, like, on each other's podcasts all the time.
01:44:30.000 Yeah, she's at Duncan's last week.
01:44:31.000 Yeah, and this is never a competitive thing at all.
01:44:37.000 It doesn't even come into play.
01:44:38.000 It's like, hey, we all have a successful podcast.
01:44:40.000 This is fun.
01:44:41.000 And we just keep doing podcasts.
01:44:43.000 And no one's worried that somehow or another, if they download the Skeptic Tank, that they're not going to download Duncan Trussell's Family Hour.
01:44:49.000 There's tons of hours.
01:44:49.000 People catch up with all the old ones and they move on to the next podcast.
01:44:52.000 Exactly.
01:44:53.000 And there's enough people.
01:44:55.000 There's a lot of people.
01:44:56.000 And the key isn't controlling the people that are there.
01:44:58.000 The key is promoting as much good shit as possible so that more people show up.
01:45:03.000 And then everybody is happy.
01:45:05.000 Right.
01:45:05.000 Like this idea that you have to be...
01:45:06.000 But when there was one morning show, you know, one guy got the morning shift.
01:45:11.000 And you have rankings.
01:45:12.000 Yeah.
01:45:13.000 We're the number one in our market.
01:45:14.000 That got all the money.
01:45:15.000 Yeah.
01:45:15.000 Of course, the smart guy is going to want to get all the money.
01:45:18.000 We moved from fourth to second, so we're doing better.
01:45:19.000 It's like rankings.
01:45:20.000 Those iTunes rankings that came out when people started doing podcasts, everyone was interested at first, and then it became like, who cares?
01:45:25.000 I have this many downloads.
01:45:26.000 I want to get more.
01:45:27.000 I want to get more people to listen.
01:45:29.000 He was in a different world.
01:45:31.000 That's a different world of competition.
01:45:33.000 It's a different world.
01:45:34.000 You can't accept this new world.
01:45:36.000 People don't care.
01:45:37.000 It's definitely a new world.
01:45:39.000 There's a lot of people listening to podcasts.
01:45:42.000 Dude, that's going to happen to us, too.
01:45:44.000 We're going to become irrelevant.
01:45:45.000 Oh, I don't know about that.
01:45:46.000 I think you'll be relevant with people that are interested in what you have to say.
01:45:49.000 Right, maybe.
01:45:50.000 That's what it is.
01:45:51.000 You change.
01:45:52.000 Maybe it's just for comedians, where it's like, when you're 60 and you're relevant to 60-year-olds, 60-year-olds don't go out to comedy clubs.
01:45:58.000 Okay, but here's the...
01:45:59.000 But you're still relevant just so you have no audience.
01:46:01.000 Okay.
01:46:01.000 Here's the argument against that is Dom Herrera.
01:46:04.000 Dom Herrera is not just relevant.
01:46:06.000 He's as funny as ever.
01:46:07.000 Yeah, that's true.
01:46:08.000 Dom Herrera murders it.
01:46:09.000 That's a good point.
01:46:09.000 I saw him the other night.
01:46:11.000 We did Kill Tony together a few months ago.
01:46:14.000 And he was sharp as I've ever seen him.
01:46:17.000 Really?
01:46:17.000 Just crushing off the top of his head.
01:46:19.000 Hilarious.
01:46:21.000 Vicious, hilarious, self-deprecating.
01:46:23.000 It was just monstrous.
01:46:25.000 Wow.
01:46:25.000 Just smashed it.
01:46:26.000 Smashed it.
01:46:27.000 We were howling laughing.
01:46:28.000 He's so good at that off-the-cuff stuff.
01:46:30.000 Especially he's talking to young comedians.
01:46:32.000 Yeah.
01:46:32.000 It was excellent.
01:46:34.000 So there you go.
01:46:35.000 There's some guys that just stay funny.
01:46:37.000 Dom Herrera just stayed funny.
01:46:39.000 He never stopped being funny.
01:46:40.000 He just stayed funny.
01:46:41.000 Carlin's last few years was a downturn.
01:46:44.000 I think his health was a big issue.
01:46:46.000 I think when you're struggling with your health...
01:46:49.000 You can also leave society more.
01:46:50.000 How are you going to talk about being of the people when it's like you're not of the people?
01:46:54.000 You haven't flown coach in fucking 15 years, 20 years.
01:46:56.000 Don't fly a coach.
01:46:57.000 Right.
01:46:58.000 But whatever it is, but it's like you've never taken the subway.
01:46:59.000 How can you do a joke about the subway when you have no idea what it's like now?
01:47:02.000 That's true.
01:47:03.000 If it cleaned it up, you know?
01:47:04.000 I wonder how much...
01:47:05.000 I mean, he used to hang out at the comedy store.
01:47:07.000 I really regret not talking to him, or not attempting to talk to him.
01:47:12.000 I said hello.
01:47:12.000 He was very friendly.
01:47:13.000 He said hi.
01:47:15.000 Whenever I heard people call him Mr. Crowley, I was like, George, please just call me George.
01:47:18.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:47:19.000 It was kind of cool.
01:47:20.000 He was really like a comic.
01:47:22.000 He tipped me.
01:47:23.000 I'm sure he did, man.
01:47:25.000 I'm sure he did.
01:47:25.000 He seemed very friendly when I said hello to him.
01:47:27.000 I just said...
01:47:29.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:47:30.000 That's what he must deal with all the time.
01:47:31.000 People coming up to him and revering him.
01:47:33.000 Yeah, I just had to get away from him before I said something stupid.
01:47:36.000 But I was just, it was psyched.
01:47:37.000 I was psyched that he was there.
01:47:38.000 I was like, wow, that's George fucking Carlin.
01:47:40.000 Holy shit.
01:47:41.000 You know, there's like a Mount Rushmore of comedy.
01:47:44.000 He's on it.
01:47:45.000 There's the date rape guy.
01:47:47.000 The date rape guy.
01:47:48.000 Yeah.
01:47:48.000 Just start calling him that.
01:47:50.000 The date rep guy, Carlin.
01:47:51.000 It's fucked up, man, but you've got to kind of remove him from the Mount Rushmore of his craft.
01:47:56.000 No, no, no!
01:47:57.000 Because you do not have to do that!
01:47:59.000 You cannot deny someone the Hall of Fame because of off-the-field actions!
01:48:04.000 That's got nothing to do with it.
01:48:06.000 Unless fucking the dead girls made him funnier.
01:48:09.000 They weren't dead.
01:48:10.000 They were out cold.
01:48:10.000 They were close to death.
01:48:11.000 If fucking the out cold girls made him funnier, then that's a performance-enhancing drug.
01:48:15.000 But otherwise, that has nothing to do with his act.
01:48:18.000 But pot is a performance-enhancing drug when it comes to that.
01:48:21.000 So asterisk.
01:48:22.000 Asterisk prior and asterisk Carlin.
01:48:27.000 Don't asterisk Cosby, because he probably did smoke pot too.
01:48:30.000 What if he came out now and goes, I'd like to admit pot?
01:48:32.000 Oh, wow.
01:48:32.000 I would like to have a confession.
01:48:34.000 I smoke pot.
01:48:37.000 And when I do feel bad about some of the things I did, I want to talk about those things?
01:48:42.000 So this proves that I'm willing to admit bad things, and that's all I'm willing to admit, so that must be all there is.
01:48:49.000 That was the worst borderline black person slash Bill Cosby impression that we both did.
01:48:54.000 It was a horrible, horrible impression.
01:48:57.000 I can't do it at all.
01:48:58.000 That's about as much as I can do.
01:48:59.000 I can't do Cosby.
01:49:01.000 Remember Thomas Ward?
01:49:02.000 He could do a fucking Cosby.
01:49:03.000 He did Cosby in a porn.
01:49:04.000 That's right.
01:49:06.000 That's right.
01:49:06.000 He didn't fuck in it, but he played Cosby in a porn.
01:49:08.000 I saw it on the shelves.
01:49:09.000 Yeah.
01:49:10.000 At the old Hustler.
01:49:11.000 Well, he used to do it at the store.
01:49:12.000 He used to do Cosby at the store.
01:49:14.000 God.
01:49:15.000 Crazy.
01:49:16.000 Hey, we're doing, if you want to come, you can just pop in if you want, but we're doing Comedy Store Stories in the Belly Room.
01:49:21.000 When?
01:49:21.000 In a couple Tuesdays.
01:49:23.000 In a couple Tuesdays?
01:49:24.000 Yeah.
01:49:24.000 Yeah, let me know in advance if I can make it down.
01:49:26.000 Okay.
01:49:26.000 And it's just gonna be P.E.E.L.E.N.O.R. I'll ask Dom, I just got the idea when you said it.
01:49:29.000 It's a good idea.
01:49:30.000 But like, just telling fucking shit that's happening at the store.
01:49:32.000 Yeah, there's probably some really funny shit that you can talk about.
01:49:33.000 Short stories, just get a bunch of people, have it remind you of other stuff.
01:49:37.000 I wonder if anybody's gonna...
01:49:38.000 I would like to hear Carl LeBeau tell his ghost story.
01:49:40.000 You ever heard his ghost story?
01:49:41.000 Uh-uh.
01:49:41.000 I wonder how much of his bullshit.
01:49:43.000 I'd like to sit that dude down to a lie detector test.
01:49:44.000 I know the answer's all of it because it's no ghost.
01:49:47.000 So if you're telling me a ghost story, unless it ends with someone pulled off a sheet, then...
01:49:51.000 I have some theories.
01:49:52.000 I'm gonna share them with you.
01:49:54.000 Okay.
01:49:55.000 Carl LeBeau has this great story.
01:49:57.000 And I remember he told it one night at the Comedy Store.
01:49:59.000 There was some special night.
01:50:00.000 I forget what the night was all about.
01:50:01.000 But it wasn't just a comedy night.
01:50:03.000 There was like a movie they were playing or something like that.
01:50:05.000 And I was in the back of the room and Carl LeBeau had the audience captivated.
01:50:09.000 He was telling the story about how when he was broke and when he was down on his luck and his comedy career was going nowhere, you know, maybe his personal life, he had issues, like everything was all fucked up.
01:50:22.000 But he showed up at the comedy store because he had the keys because he worked there.
01:50:25.000 And he said, I'm just going to go sleep on the stage, man, because this is where I'm going to fucking make my dreams happen.
01:50:29.000 I'm going to sleep right here on this stage.
01:50:31.000 And so he said he went to sleep, and he's lying on the stage.
01:50:35.000 And I'm so sorry if he gets offended at me telling a story.
01:50:38.000 He tells it way better.
01:50:39.000 You want to hear it from him.
01:50:41.000 And he said that he was lying there on the stage and that he heard the door open.
01:50:47.000 Yeah.
01:50:47.000 And he waited, and he didn't hear anything.
01:50:49.000 And it's totally dark.
01:50:50.000 It shuts all the lights out so he can go to sleep.
01:50:52.000 Yeah.
01:50:52.000 And he says, hey, it's me, Carl.
01:50:55.000 I'm in here.
01:50:56.000 I let myself in.
01:50:56.000 I got kicked out of my apartment.
01:50:59.000 Right.
01:50:59.000 He doesn't hear anything.
01:51:00.000 It's total darkness out there.
01:51:02.000 And he hears like a little thump or click.
01:51:05.000 Like you can tell that someone's in the room.
01:51:07.000 He's like, hello?
01:51:08.000 It's Carl LeBeau's here.
01:51:11.000 And then he says he hears like chairs moving, like someone's coming towards him.
01:51:16.000 And he can't see because the room's totally dark.
01:51:19.000 So he opens his eyes and he lifts his head up and something grabs his ankle and pulls him off the stage and onto the ground.
01:51:27.000 And then he hears running, and then he hears a door slam, and that's it.
01:51:33.000 And he said he never saw anybody.
01:51:35.000 And he tells it to you, and it makes a fucking hair stand on your forearm.
01:51:40.000 I love those stories.
01:51:41.000 Wow.
01:51:41.000 But this is why I love it.
01:51:43.000 He was doing drugs with Sam Canison.
01:51:45.000 Right.
01:51:45.000 Yeah.
01:51:46.000 When you talk to Mark Maron, have you heard Mark Maron, Sam Kinison's story?
01:51:49.000 He was hearing voices in his head for a year.
01:51:51.000 Right.
01:51:52.000 That's how hard Kinison party.
01:51:53.000 And it's in the comedy store.
01:51:53.000 I saw things fall.
01:51:54.000 I'm like, well, I've seen comics hide back there waiting to scare other comics.
01:51:58.000 So what's more likely?
01:52:00.000 Especially if they knew that you were going back there because you were drunk.
01:52:03.000 Yeah, exactly.
01:52:04.000 Wow.
01:52:05.000 Or a comic fucking with somebody.
01:52:07.000 What's more likely?
01:52:08.000 It's 100% a comic fucking with you.
01:52:09.000 Yeah.
01:52:09.000 That's exactly what it is.
01:52:10.000 But it's a great story, because in his world, that's reality.
01:52:13.000 It was a great story.
01:52:14.000 I'm telling you, man.
01:52:15.000 When he told it to me, I'm a fucking...
01:52:16.000 Yeah, in his mind, that is what happened.
01:52:18.000 He's decided to look no further.
01:52:20.000 His story about seeing Sam die, too, was like tough.
01:52:23.000 Yeah.
01:52:25.000 Yeah, that's awful.
01:52:26.000 That's awful shit, man.
01:52:27.000 That's awful shit.
01:52:29.000 Have you seen the Ali Sadiq story yet?
01:52:32.000 Who?
01:52:32.000 Ali Sadiq?
01:52:33.000 No.
01:52:33.000 It's this Houston comic.
01:52:35.000 Talking about finding other comics and stuff.
01:52:37.000 Yeah.
01:52:37.000 And it's on your show?
01:52:39.000 Yeah.
01:52:40.000 Killed it.
01:52:41.000 There's some good comedy out there.
01:52:42.000 It's like when you see somebody doing a good story, him, Larson, Big J, Diaz, of course.
01:52:46.000 Big J is amazing.
01:52:47.000 Burt.
01:52:48.000 Big J's stories are really good.
01:52:49.000 He's such a natural storyteller.
01:52:51.000 I really enjoy watching that guy do your show.
01:52:54.000 I enjoy talking to him.
01:52:56.000 He's a natural storyteller type dude.
01:52:58.000 And he's great at riffing too.
01:53:00.000 But instead, he goes into a story and everyone's like the waitresses.
01:53:03.000 Everyone's looking and listening.
01:53:05.000 They're just fucking great.
01:53:06.000 That one he told about the dog was the one I wanted him to do, like, two years ago on the show.
01:53:10.000 Oh, really?
01:53:11.000 Yeah, but he was like, no, I think I'm going to use it for a special, but then no one gave him a special, and he's like, okay, I'll put it on something.
01:53:15.000 I was like, thank you, yes, awesome.
01:53:17.000 That's a good idea, man.
01:53:19.000 Yeah.
01:53:19.000 But he's one of those guys, like, there's certain guys that are really funny, and they're material, like the subject matter.
01:53:26.000 Becomes like just a scaffolding for funny for funny shit, and that's like with him like that guy She just keep putting things out as much as possible.
01:53:34.000 Just build up this yeah crowd work album It's got podcasts and stuff, but it's like yeah, he needs more clips.
01:53:40.000 Yeah, there's a good Crop of those guys out there now.
01:53:44.000 There's like a real good crop of like really funny guys Him and Metzger, which I don't know if it's just because I made friends with them from the Nasty shows in Montreal.
01:53:51.000 I did it one year, then two years later I did it again.
01:53:53.000 And those guys were like the at my level guys who I hung out the most, you know?
01:53:57.000 Just in the two one year.
01:53:58.000 But like, I just think they're amazing.
01:54:02.000 But I don't know if it's because I'm friends with them or not, but they're both like on such a high level.
01:54:06.000 Him and Metzger.
01:54:07.000 Well, it's like what I was saying about you when you first started.
01:54:10.000 It's just a matter of just putting in the time.
01:54:12.000 Getting people to see you, I guess.
01:54:14.000 They put in the time.
01:54:15.000 They do a lot of sets.
01:54:16.000 They keep working on their act.
01:54:17.000 Everything you do, whether it's playing the harmonica or fucking...
01:54:21.000 Yeah, if you put enough time.
01:54:21.000 Put enough time in, you just get better at it.
01:54:23.000 You get better.
01:54:24.000 Did you see the video I made for Big Jack?
01:54:26.000 Which one?
01:54:27.000 He broke down crying.
01:54:28.000 He had some deal fall through.
01:54:30.000 And so he's on a podcast and he cried about it.
01:54:32.000 So then on his podcast that he's been doing for Legion of Skanks, they had a bunch of comics record videos for him, making fun of him crying.
01:54:40.000 Can you find the one I made of him?
01:54:42.000 Play that for Joe.
01:54:43.000 That's hilarious.
01:54:44.000 So I just sat there for like 45 minutes trying to come up with something good to do for him.
01:54:49.000 Like a 60 second video.
01:54:51.000 Oh, here's my point.
01:54:52.000 Lewis put it up online.
01:54:53.000 That's why I don't care.
01:54:54.000 Put up that sniper shit.
01:54:55.000 Okay.
01:54:55.000 I gotta ask Segura if it's okay.
01:54:57.000 You're holding a chihuahua.
01:54:58.000 You're gonna win a championship.
01:54:59.000 You're out of your fucking mind.
01:55:01.000 Alright, listen, notable President Barack Obama.
01:55:04.000 I can't talk right now.
01:55:05.000 I gotta make a video for Big Jay Oakerson.
01:55:07.000 Yeah, the guy from the crying video.
01:55:10.000 No, dude, you can't use words like that anymore.
01:55:12.000 Big J is a homophobic word.
01:55:16.000 Whatever.
01:55:17.000 We all learn.
01:55:17.000 I'll talk to you later, Bucky.
01:55:19.000 Bucky?
01:55:20.000 What's up, Big J? I heard about the deal.
01:55:22.000 That fucking sucks, bro.
01:55:23.000 That fucking sucks.
01:55:25.000 This business.
01:55:26.000 Never stop shitting on your fucking grave.
01:55:29.000 I get it.
01:55:31.000 I get it.
01:55:32.000 I got a deal right now with my own billboard being up on Sunset Boulevard.
01:55:36.000 Giant 30-foot picture of my face staring down Sunset right in front of my old apartment building.
01:55:42.000 And I'm not going to comment.
01:55:46.000 Go cry to your mother, bitch.
01:55:50.000 Here's the business, and here's Big J. Oh, no.
01:55:55.000 Oh, no.
01:55:56.000 Oh, no.
01:55:58.000 What are you doing?
01:56:00.000 No, Ari.
01:56:01.000 This is wrong.
01:56:02.000 That's wrong.
01:56:03.000 And I think it's illegal.
01:56:04.000 We probably shouldn't have showed that.
01:56:06.000 You're going to get in trouble.
01:56:08.000 You made a dog touch your ass with its face?
01:56:10.000 I think it's sexual.
01:56:12.000 Just say it wasn't sexual to you.
01:56:13.000 It definitely wasn't sexual.
01:56:15.000 Okay.
01:56:15.000 It seemed like it was some sort of bestiality.
01:56:18.000 We should end the podcast and edit that out.
01:56:19.000 We're going to have to edit that out.
01:56:20.000 We'll be back.
01:56:21.000 We'll be right back.
01:56:22.000 We're going to have to edit it out.
01:56:25.000 You're going to jail for making a dog lick your butt.
01:56:27.000 I wonder if it's like totally legal.
01:56:31.000 No one could do anything about it.
01:56:32.000 But you were holding it.
01:56:34.000 It was very rapey.
01:56:35.000 He didn't want to go anywhere.
01:56:36.000 He didn't want to be there.
01:56:38.000 For sure it was like, ugh.
01:56:40.000 I'm not opening my mouth on this.
01:56:42.000 But here's what we say.
01:56:43.000 His personal freedom is not worth as much as how funny that was.
01:56:46.000 Yeah.
01:56:47.000 Yeah, and that's what a comic will say and a PETA person won't.
01:56:50.000 Exactly.
01:56:51.000 You're going to have PETA showing up at your shows before they show up at mine.
01:56:55.000 I'm just eating animals.
01:56:57.000 Who's the first to get PETA? I'm just shooting them and eating them.
01:56:58.000 You're making them lick your ass.
01:56:59.000 Have they contacted you saying fucking cool it?
01:57:02.000 They kill a lot of animals themselves.
01:57:04.000 Oh, yeah.
01:57:05.000 They put, you know, cats and dogs down.
01:57:07.000 I'm sure they don't want to, but...
01:57:09.000 Duncan and I one time, when he was probably dating some vegan, this was like 10, 12 years ago, he knew PETA. I think his brother might have worked for PETA. We went down to some store, some high-priced store in Beverly Hills.
01:57:21.000 And a Prada store.
01:57:22.000 And they were selling like seal skin coats or something, baby seal skin.
01:57:27.000 So somebody dressed up like a seal and we beat the fuck out of them with rubber bats.
01:57:31.000 Oh, how rude.
01:57:32.000 And sprayed blood on them.
01:57:33.000 It was great.
01:57:34.000 It was so much fun.
01:57:35.000 Right in front of the Prada store.
01:57:36.000 And they're like, we didn't do it.
01:57:38.000 They give us whatever they give us.
01:57:39.000 I'm just the manager here.
01:57:41.000 That's so rude.
01:57:42.000 It was great.
01:57:42.000 It was so much fun.
01:57:45.000 Press came.
01:57:47.000 So you're committed to never compromising and becoming a different person, like maybe perhaps someone who could host a talent show on television.
01:57:57.000 Yeah, I'm committed to that.
01:57:58.000 But here's the deal.
01:58:00.000 I'll eventually get swayed.
01:58:01.000 I'll become older and I'll lose my touch.
01:58:03.000 I see everybody do it.
01:58:06.000 Eventually they just start coasting.
01:58:08.000 And they do shit that's like, it's good enough.
01:58:11.000 I don't think so, dude.
01:58:12.000 I'll do this one for the money.
01:58:13.000 You don't have to.
01:58:13.000 No, you don't have to, but a lot of people do it.
01:58:16.000 Bukowski never did it.
01:58:19.000 He was poor in the end.
01:58:20.000 Well, maybe not in the end.
01:58:21.000 He probably had all those books, but...
01:58:22.000 I don't know, man.
01:58:23.000 I definitely sold out a lot when I did Fear Factor.
01:58:27.000 I did a lot of selling out.
01:58:28.000 Because I was doing something that I didn't want to do for money.
01:58:31.000 So that is essentially you're selling your time.
01:58:33.000 But here's the difference there.
01:58:35.000 You were doing something which I assume, correct me if I'm wrong, but I assume you thought what you were doing was funny.
01:58:40.000 And I agree that it was.
01:58:41.000 My stand-up or Fear Factor?
01:58:42.000 No, not Fear Factor.
01:58:43.000 Oh, I was talking about News Radio.
01:58:44.000 Oh, Fear Factor.
01:58:45.000 Oh, no, no.
01:58:45.000 News Radio, I'm very proud of.
01:58:46.000 Fear Factor was just a day job.
01:58:48.000 It was just a lot of money.
01:58:49.000 There was no way to pass on it.
01:58:50.000 But what I made sure that I never did...
01:58:52.000 But you weren't doing corny jokes for that.
01:58:54.000 No.
01:58:54.000 They weren't making you do corny shit.
01:58:56.000 No, they weren't making me do corny shit, but I didn't change my stand-up.
01:58:59.000 Right.
01:58:59.000 My stand-up, I did exactly the same way I would have done it, whether I had a TV show or not.
01:59:03.000 Yeah, that's true.
01:59:04.000 I mean, when you have a show that's like, a lot of kids watch that show.
01:59:08.000 There was like a lot of...
01:59:09.000 Yeah, I bet you could have gotten a wider audience if you just started doing super safer shit then.
01:59:15.000 Because you were on an NBC show, I bet you could have tracked all those people to come see you in a theater when you weren't doing theaters.
01:59:21.000 But if you mortgaged who you were.
01:59:23.000 Yeah, I would have to really change my act entirely.
01:59:25.000 I know a lot of those family comics who want to talk about dark shit, but they're like, I got this audience where I can't.
01:59:30.000 That's the fucking death of you, man.
01:59:31.000 As an artist, that's the death of you.
01:59:33.000 That's the death.
01:59:34.000 Knowing who your audience is is the worst.
01:59:36.000 If you get fired, it's a good story.
01:59:37.000 It's, you know, look, you only did it in the first place to make money, but just pretend you never got the job in the first place.
01:59:43.000 You get a nice little boost in your publicity because you get fired for doing what you love to do.
01:59:48.000 Yeah, so then it's fine.
01:59:50.000 Then it's fine.
01:59:51.000 Yeah.
01:59:52.000 I don't know.
01:59:52.000 I just feel like...
01:59:53.000 I think people change, dude.
01:59:54.000 This is what I think.
01:59:54.000 That's what it is, too.
01:59:55.000 People change and they're not quite as, like, big time.
01:59:58.000 Well, it's not even quite as big time.
02:00:00.000 What they think is different than what they thought when they were 20 or 30 or 40. Like the Howard Stern thing.
02:00:06.000 That's true, too.
02:00:07.000 He's just a different dude.
02:00:08.000 But I think that's part of losing relevancy.
02:00:11.000 Is that relevant?
02:00:12.000 I mean, how many old people?
02:00:13.000 It's you that is not relevant to.
02:00:16.000 Maybe that's what it means.
02:00:17.000 Maybe not being relevant means you're not relevant to a spending...
02:00:21.000 You know they have a demographic and the 18 to 35 year old boys is like big because they're doing their spending.
02:00:26.000 Because they're nuts.
02:00:27.000 They don't have wives and kids.
02:00:28.000 But like so you're relevant to like a Matlock type crowd when it's like they don't...
02:00:31.000 Matlock?
02:00:32.000 You know, people who watch Matlock.
02:00:35.000 Matt Locke isn't on TV? You're using references that were out of date when I was coming out.
02:00:41.000 When I was 15, that's what that was.
02:00:43.000 I don't know what the new shows for old people are.
02:00:45.000 I know what it is.
02:00:46.000 It's America's Got Talent.
02:00:47.000 Oh, how dare you.
02:00:48.000 So you're doing stuff for old people and they're not spenders.
02:00:51.000 They're not going to go see movies.
02:00:52.000 Do you agree that he's the most important radio guy of all time?
02:00:55.000 I would probably say that, yeah.
02:00:57.000 Other than the guy who invented the radio.
02:00:59.000 He's the most important.
02:01:01.000 He changed the way everybody talks.
02:01:03.000 I don't want to take away his legacy.
02:01:04.000 I want to stop talking about him.
02:01:07.000 That's what it is.
02:01:08.000 I want to talk about it in the past.
02:01:09.000 I mean, not right now.
02:01:10.000 I mean, as he was one of the best.
02:01:12.000 If he had died 15 years ago, there would be nothing new bad coming in.
02:01:16.000 Wow.
02:01:17.000 So you wouldn't have to disparage him.
02:01:19.000 Same thing with Dane, with all these people that have had their peak and now they're on the downturn.
02:01:23.000 And they're like, don't shit on me.
02:01:24.000 But it's like, we're not shitting on you.
02:01:25.000 We're just really revering where you were at your height.
02:01:27.000 It was amazing.
02:01:28.000 A baseball player is not quite as good.
02:01:31.000 Doesn't mean he wasn't the best for four years in a row.
02:01:34.000 You know, seven years ago.
02:01:36.000 Right.
02:01:36.000 And now you're just a contributing player.
02:01:38.000 It's not like, fuck you, contributing player.
02:01:39.000 It's like, you were amazing for a while.
02:01:41.000 That's awesome.
02:01:41.000 That's going to happen no matter what, though.
02:01:43.000 Yeah.
02:01:43.000 Especially with athletes.
02:01:45.000 Athletes is the real big one.
02:01:47.000 I mean, it's just like...
02:01:48.000 It's going to happen.
02:01:48.000 And then you're just the greatest of all time, whoever reveres you, and then you get caught taking steroids at two different occasions during a training camp.
02:01:54.000 I can tell you about that.
02:01:55.000 I'll tell you a story when we get off air.
02:01:57.000 I can't tell you on air.
02:01:58.000 You're going to go, oh.
02:02:00.000 All right.
02:02:04.000 Could be more to the story.
02:02:05.000 I'm not under one day.
02:02:07.000 Okay, but let me ask you a question, and you don't have to answer this at all.
02:02:10.000 But why, who I love, Jon Jones, but why does he not get suspended for coke and Nick Diaz gets suspended every time for weed in a legal state?
02:02:17.000 I can try to illuminate this.
02:02:19.000 Tell me the rule for that.
02:02:20.000 There is out-of-contest testing, and then there's in-contest testing.
02:02:25.000 Oh, so if you're on it while you're...
02:02:26.000 Yes.
02:02:27.000 If he was under the influence of cocaine...
02:02:30.000 And by the way, I think cocaine should be not something that UFC should worry about either.
02:02:34.000 Yeah.
02:02:34.000 I think that's like a law thing that they should not test for.
02:02:36.000 Well, maybe, but if you give somebody cocaine and they're in a fight and they're getting their ass kicked, or it's a really brutal fight and they're worn out, and you gave them cocaine like they believe happened with Aaron Pryor when he fought Alexis Arguello.
02:02:51.000 Really?
02:02:51.000 Yeah.
02:02:52.000 They gave him coke in the middle of a fight?
02:02:53.000 Mm-hmm.
02:02:53.000 This is what the thought is.
02:02:54.000 The thought is this.
02:02:55.000 That's different then, but go ahead.
02:02:57.000 Alexis Arguello and Aaron Pryor had this fucking amazing fight.
02:03:02.000 Aaron Pryor went on to become...
02:03:04.000 I mean, he was a world champion at the time, but he went on to become a junkie.
02:03:08.000 He was a coke head.
02:03:09.000 He had a real big, big problem with coke.
02:03:12.000 His life fell apart.
02:03:14.000 But when he was on, he was an amazing fighter.
02:03:16.000 This guy Panama Lewis is in his corner, and he asked for the bottle.
02:03:20.000 It was not that one, the other one that I mixed.
02:03:22.000 Oh, really?
02:03:23.000 They give him this bottle.
02:03:24.000 I think it was a black bottle.
02:03:25.000 He drinks from this bottle, and he comes out and fucking destroys our quail.
02:03:28.000 Puts him away in the next round.
02:03:30.000 And the question was, was there an illegal substance in that bottle, or was it just total coincidence that Aaron Pryor came out and destroyed him as a bottle that he mixed?
02:03:42.000 I mean, it could have been coconut water.
02:03:43.000 We don't know.
02:03:43.000 If he didn't destroy him, no one would have thought twice about the second bottle.
02:03:45.000 But here's the problem.
02:03:46.000 That same guy was involved in a fight where these two guys, one of them, I believe his name was Billy Resto, and another one was...
02:03:54.000 I forget his name.
02:03:56.000 But he was a young Irish kid, and he was a really good fighter.
02:03:59.000 And he was an up-and-coming prospect, and he fought this guy, Louis Resto?
02:04:03.000 Yeah, Louis Resto and Billy Collins Jr., I think it was.
02:04:06.000 Yeah, my memory is like a fucking steel trap, son!
02:04:10.000 And Louis Resto just fucked this kid up.
02:04:13.000 He was a guy that was supposed to be like a journeyman.
02:04:17.000 A guy who was supposed to be...
02:04:18.000 He fucked him up.
02:04:18.000 He fucked him up and he was hurting him with every punch he threw.
02:04:21.000 And he was telling his corner, you know, like, this guy's hurting me with every punch he throws.
02:04:25.000 And they were like, this guy's not a big puncher.
02:04:26.000 Like, this is kind of crazy.
02:04:28.000 After the fight, the father goes up to this resto guy and grabs his glove, and there's no padding in his gloves.
02:04:35.000 They pulled the padding out of the gloves.
02:04:37.000 The same trainer, Panama Lewis, was the guy, and he was banned for life from boxing.
02:04:43.000 He wound up working with Mike Tyson later on in his career, and when he worked with Mike Tyson, he couldn't do the corner.
02:04:50.000 He wasn't allowed?
02:04:52.000 No, he wasn't allowed.
02:04:53.000 So I don't know how much work he did with him, or it might not have been any.
02:04:56.000 He might have been trying to get relevant again.
02:04:58.000 So it kind of lends at least a little bit of suspicion to the Aaron Pryor incident and the fact that Pryor became a cocaine addict.
02:05:07.000 But it's always been a subject of extreme controversy.
02:05:09.000 So maybe that, yeah, they shouldn't have it in competition because I could see that helping you actually.
02:05:13.000 Yeah, if you're a guy who does a lot of coke, you gotta pee?
02:05:15.000 Jesus Christ, you okay?
02:05:16.000 He panicked.
02:05:17.000 He panicked.
02:05:18.000 You would think a man with a billboard would be a little more cool.
02:05:21.000 Motherfucker's got a billboard.
02:05:23.000 We should probably find that clip for the folks while they're listening here.
02:05:27.000 Find the clip of Aaron Pryor, The Secret Bottle with Panama Lewis, because there's like a video of it.
02:05:35.000 If you're a boxing historian, you might already know about this, because it's...
02:05:38.000 Probably one of the most important like Controversies in the history another one is when Ali when Muhammad Ali was young He fought Henry Cooper who is this British gentleman who was an excellent fighter as well and Henry Cooper hit Ali with a fucking left hook that was on the button Sat him on his ass and really had him fucked up.
02:06:02.000 I mean he was really hurt And in their corner, Angelo Dundee cut Ali's gloves.
02:06:09.000 Cut them?
02:06:10.000 Cut his gloves.
02:06:11.000 So they had to change his gloves.
02:06:13.000 Like, his gloves are cut.
02:06:14.000 We've got to change the gloves.
02:06:15.000 He cut his fucking glove in the corner because Henry Cooper blasted Ali into fucking La La Land.
02:06:20.000 Oh, so they got him extra time?
02:06:22.000 Yeah, pull that.
02:06:23.000 That's actually more interesting.
02:06:24.000 Watch Henry Cooper K.O.'s Muhammad Ali.
02:06:27.000 Pull this video up, because this is pretty interesting.
02:06:30.000 Another thing that's interesting is that I'll be at the Bray Impal this weekend in Sacramento at the end of the month.
02:06:34.000 Go to iathegreat.com for tickets.
02:06:35.000 Snuck that shit in!
02:06:37.000 That's how you do a plug!
02:06:40.000 This is when Ali was Cassius Clay.
02:06:42.000 It's before he became Muhammad Ali.
02:06:43.000 Oh really?
02:06:43.000 Yeah.
02:06:43.000 They cut it to save time to help, like...
02:06:45.000 Oh yeah, yeah.
02:06:46.000 Well, he got hit by this guy.
02:06:48.000 Henry Cooper was famous for his left hook.
02:06:50.000 Cracks Ali when he was Cassius Clay.
02:06:53.000 On the button.
02:06:54.000 Drops him.
02:06:55.000 And then Muhammad Ali sits down in between rounds.
02:06:57.000 Here, go.
02:06:58.000 We'll play it.
02:06:58.000 You'll hear it.
02:07:01.000 Watch this.
02:07:02.000 Oh, Jesus.
02:07:03.000 Knocked him through the ropes.
02:07:05.000 Dude.
02:07:11.000 It's right at the bell.
02:07:12.000 So he got up.
02:07:13.000 It's literally at the buzzer.
02:07:20.000 See, they're not playing now.
02:07:22.000 They didn't show the controversy.
02:07:26.000 It was right after that.
02:07:27.000 Yeah, they didn't go right to the next round, like there.
02:07:30.000 They edited out all that shit.
02:07:32.000 This is trying to, I don't know if somebody did this to try to protect his legacy or if they wanted to, you know, they were Muhammad Ali fans.
02:07:40.000 They want to highlight the good stuff.
02:07:41.000 But in between rounds, after Henry Cooper dropped him, his corner, they cut the gloves.
02:07:49.000 Angelo Dundee.
02:07:49.000 They just took a razor and cut him so they're like, hey, we can't fight.
02:07:52.000 Cut it.
02:07:53.000 Got to change the gloves.
02:07:54.000 And I think he might have even had to run to the back to change the gloves.
02:07:58.000 Let me see if it's...
02:08:00.000 But that was like probably the most famous of all the controversies.
02:08:07.000 Next to the...
02:08:07.000 And what, he beat him at the next round?
02:08:09.000 Yeah, well, he cut him.
02:08:12.000 And when he cut him, they wound up stopping the fight because Ali was just boxing him up with punches.
02:08:22.000 I don't know, man.
02:08:23.000 I think he eventually cut him, but it was the punch that dropped him, which was the crazy thing.
02:08:28.000 So that's why they would ban because Nick Diaz was on weed while he was fighting.
02:08:34.000 Yeah, the difference between fighting when you're on weed.
02:08:36.000 And by the way, they changed the amount that you could have.
02:08:40.000 Like, it used to be much lower threshold.
02:08:43.000 Like, you'd have trace elements of marijuana in your system.
02:08:45.000 And they'd say, fuck you, you're out.
02:08:46.000 And they would say, you tested positive for marijuana.
02:08:48.000 But they raised the threshold, and Nick Diaz was...
02:08:51.000 Still three times over the limit.
02:08:53.000 Bam!
02:08:53.000 He's not like he's a guy who's even saying, I don't take it.
02:08:55.000 He's fully admitting all the time.
02:08:57.000 Like, yeah, I smoke weed all the time.
02:08:59.000 Let's see if they play it here.
02:09:00.000 This is in between rounds.
02:09:07.000 Let's see.
02:09:07.000 Gloves controversy.
02:09:10.000 Still half out.
02:09:15.000 Boom!
02:09:16.000 Look at that punch.
02:09:17.000 Look at that punch.
02:09:18.000 I mean, he literally sat him down on his ass.
02:09:23.000 Two seconds from the end of the fourth round.
02:09:26.000 See, they're putting smelling salts on him.
02:09:31.000 He doesn't know where he is.
02:09:32.000 He couldn't fight like that.
02:09:35.000 Listen.
02:09:44.000 Tommy Little has gone to Clay's corner now to talk to them.
02:09:51.000 And I think Clay has got a call.
02:10:01.000 So they bought him all that time.
02:10:05.000 So instead of it being a minute between rounds, I mean, I don't know how long it was.
02:10:09.000 I think he was going over the timekeeper to ask him something.
02:10:12.000 He probably took something out of that.
02:10:13.000 Yeah, it looked like it.
02:10:15.000 They probably edited a little bit of something out of that.
02:10:17.000 I wonder how long it took.
02:10:18.000 Interesting.
02:10:19.000 Yeah, it is interesting, man.
02:10:20.000 I mean, we think of, especially boxing.
02:10:24.000 Stuff of lore.
02:10:24.000 Yeah, you don't want to think that he got knocked out.
02:10:26.000 He had to get to the top by being the best ever.
02:10:29.000 He had to win all the fights.
02:10:31.000 He had to be undefeated.
02:10:32.000 That's what everybody wanted.
02:10:33.000 They wanted that guy who's never been touched.
02:10:35.000 Yeah, you don't want a guy that has a knockout loss.
02:10:39.000 To me, it's so much more interesting when the champions, when they go back and forth, like it seemed like the Raging Bull days and stuff, where it's like, yeah, you have three, four, five losses, so does somebody else, but you guys are the best two in the world.
02:10:50.000 You know, you've avenged all your losses.
02:10:53.000 Avenged?
02:10:53.000 I don't know, something like that, where you can be touched.
02:10:58.000 Yeah.
02:10:58.000 Angelo Dundee, smelling salts under Clay's nose, which was illegal.
02:11:03.000 Oh.
02:11:04.000 Yeah.
02:11:05.000 Oh.
02:11:06.000 A spare set of gloves.
02:11:07.000 So they did definitely change his gloves.
02:11:09.000 It was three to five minutes.
02:11:10.000 That probably took some out of that.
02:11:11.000 Yeah.
02:11:12.000 They took it out of it.
02:11:13.000 Delaying the start of the fifth round, Cooper has always insisted the delay lasted anywhere between three to five minutes and denied him the chance to try to knock out Klay.
02:11:21.000 If he didn't even know what time it was, that's when they showed the replay in that clip.
02:11:25.000 If he didn't know where he was, he would have been gone that next round.
02:11:29.000 As soon as it started, he would have been out.
02:11:30.000 Maybe one haymaker try and that's it.
02:11:32.000 It's interesting, man.
02:11:33.000 It's interesting.
02:11:35.000 It's crazy that that changed the course of history.
02:11:37.000 And for the other guy, too.
02:11:38.000 For that British guy.
02:11:39.000 Oh, fuck yeah.
02:11:40.000 Fuck.
02:11:41.000 He's like, I could have beaten Ali, and I did, but no one fucking ever knows it.
02:11:45.000 Yeah.
02:11:45.000 I mean, basically, he was like one punch away from a KO victory.
02:11:48.000 Yeah.
02:11:48.000 But who knows if he would have landed that punch at the beginning of the round, legit.
02:11:52.000 I mean, who knows if Ali wouldn't have been able to tie him out.
02:11:53.000 They brought him three to five minutes.
02:11:54.000 He didn't know where he was.
02:11:56.000 He didn't know where he was.
02:11:57.000 And they used smelling salts.
02:11:57.000 They were about to bring him out.
02:11:59.000 You get one minute, right?
02:12:00.000 Yeah.
02:12:00.000 Yeah.
02:12:00.000 They were about to bring him out?
02:12:02.000 Come on.
02:12:02.000 Definitely illegal.
02:12:02.000 He was gone.
02:12:03.000 It's definitely illegal.
02:12:04.000 You can't do that shit.
02:12:08.000 Dude, I was at your place once, your old place, and we were watching some Pride.
02:12:14.000 And then it ended early.
02:12:16.000 The recording ended early.
02:12:17.000 The DVR fucked it up.
02:12:18.000 Right.
02:12:19.000 DVRs do fuck stuff up, so...
02:12:21.000 Especially if you don't tell them to record longer.
02:12:24.000 It didn't used to be an option.
02:12:26.000 You used to have to record the next show in order to get it all.
02:12:29.000 Oh, okay.
02:12:31.000 So we got some Pride event and it didn't finish the championship fight.
02:12:34.000 It didn't record that.
02:12:35.000 Everything else went longer.
02:12:38.000 So you're like, fuck, we're all disappointed.
02:12:40.000 I forgot who the fight was.
02:12:41.000 But you're like, oh, there's some heavyweight title fight for one belt or something.
02:12:46.000 We can watch that.
02:12:46.000 I have that recorded.
02:12:47.000 We watched that and after watching a bunch of mixed martial arts, It was so boring.
02:12:53.000 And it was a decent fight, but it was so boring.
02:12:57.000 Yeah, there can be a lot of boredom watching fights, man.
02:13:00.000 Only hands?
02:13:02.000 Well, if a guy's not a destroyer like Tyson was in that video, you watch Tyson in that video smashing all those guys, he was just a different dude.
02:13:10.000 Featherweights are good, though, because they fucking sprawl, but the heavyweights just hug.
02:13:16.000 Well, Mayweather and Pacquiao will be exciting just because of the sheer magnitude of the historical event.
02:13:22.000 I mean, that's a giant historical event, those two guys getting down finally.
02:13:26.000 It'll be something that you watch just for that.
02:13:28.000 But when it all is said and done, are you going to watch it a second time?
02:13:32.000 I've watched a lot of MMA fights a second time and a third time.
02:13:35.000 There's only a few boxing fights that I'll do that with.
02:13:38.000 But this weekend they made a big play on NBC. They had NBC live fights.
02:13:41.000 They're having live fights.
02:13:43.000 What?
02:13:43.000 Boxing?
02:13:44.000 Yeah, they're having live, world-class boxing.
02:13:46.000 Oh, that's cool.
02:13:47.000 Yeah, so they had...
02:13:48.000 They used to have that.
02:13:49.000 I remember you used to watch it.
02:13:50.000 It was just like...
02:13:51.000 So they're doing it again.
02:13:52.000 Showtime or something.
02:13:52.000 Well, I think NBC is recognized.
02:13:54.000 I mean, didn't they have The Contender?
02:13:55.000 Was that NBC? The boxing show?
02:13:58.000 Possibly.
02:13:59.000 Possibly.
02:13:59.000 Might be ABC. I don't know.
02:14:00.000 Oxygen Network?
02:14:01.000 Anyway.
02:14:03.000 They have that.
02:14:04.000 I think they see the UFC does really good numbers on Fox and like, hey, you know, there's some big name fights out there to be made.
02:14:10.000 So they put together some, you know, pretty deep.
02:14:13.000 Adrian Broner versus John Molina.
02:14:15.000 Went to a decision.
02:14:16.000 Boring fight.
02:14:16.000 And then they put this guy, Keith Thurman, who's this knockout artist, versus Robert Guerrero.
02:14:23.000 That went to decision.
02:14:24.000 Good fight, but still went to a decision.
02:14:26.000 Oh, nice.
02:14:27.000 But the Adrian Broner fight was like, he was just kind of poking at him, poking at him, poking at him.
02:14:31.000 Like, it never really had any danger.
02:14:34.000 He was like, just played it safe.
02:14:36.000 Played it safe.
02:14:37.000 Yeah, lame.
02:14:38.000 Yeah, it wasn't fun to watch.
02:14:39.000 It wasn't...
02:14:40.000 I mean, there's some UFC fights like that too, but...
02:14:42.000 There's an art to it, certainly.
02:14:44.000 There's a method to his martial art, you know, watching him using his boxing.
02:14:48.000 But, you know, I want to watch a guy like Pacquiao that goes and fucks people up.
02:14:52.000 That's what I like.
02:14:52.000 One of the things you like watching about Pacquiao, he puts combinations on motherfuckers.
02:14:56.000 Yeah, it's hard, too.
02:14:57.000 I'm going to Thailand.
02:14:58.000 I want to go watch a fucking kickboxing fight in Thailand.
02:15:01.000 Dude, you gotta bet.
02:15:01.000 You gotta make videos of you betting.
02:15:02.000 Betting?
02:15:03.000 Yeah, betting.
02:15:04.000 Bet it all!
02:15:05.000 And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, here.
02:15:09.000 Did I win or lose?
02:15:10.000 I don't know what I bet on.
02:15:12.000 Yeah, just bring some Thai ladyboys with you to decipher everything for you.
02:15:16.000 Oh, right.
02:15:17.000 Yeah, hire them.
02:15:18.000 Yeah.
02:15:18.000 And film it with Vice.
02:15:19.000 Have Vice go there.
02:15:20.000 That's my ladyboy chaperone.
02:15:22.000 You, in a three-piece suit, because you have money now, and decide to go to Thailand and live up your dreams, which is to go to see an MMA fight or a Muay Thai fight with some Thai ladyboys.
02:15:34.000 Yeah.
02:15:35.000 And they teach you how to back.
02:15:36.000 Fuck yeah, I'll make a video of that.
02:15:37.000 Fuck yeah.
02:15:39.000 And with that note, ladies and gentlemen...
02:15:41.000 This week, this is not happening.
02:15:44.000 It's 12.30 a.m.
02:15:46.000 on Thursday evenings.
02:15:48.000 You are special.
02:15:49.000 Right after that midnight.
02:15:50.000 One of them is available right now.
02:15:52.000 Yeah, it's also available for pre-sale right now.
02:15:54.000 But this special is the one I did.
02:15:56.000 This is the first special after I did my CD where I was like, let me try to write a new hour.
02:16:00.000 Starting now, let me see if I can do this in a year.
02:16:03.000 Really concentrate.
02:16:04.000 And that's my first year on the road.
02:16:06.000 So I was able to really, like, get a lot more time, and that's when I did The Knitting Factory.
02:16:11.000 And it was, like, limited release where nobody saw it.
02:16:13.000 So I'm doing it for however much you want to pay.
02:16:15.000 If you already paid for it, it's a minimum of a dollar, then pay a dollar if you can't find it anymore.
02:16:20.000 And if you really love it, then give me 50 bucks.
02:16:22.000 Whatever the fuck you want.
02:16:23.000 They were like, I don't know about this.
02:16:24.000 I was like, let's just try it as a method.
02:16:25.000 Let's try it and see if people will pay or not.
02:16:27.000 They'll pay.
02:16:28.000 It's good stuff, man.
02:16:29.000 And for you, as a comic, it's like it represents what you really just sort of launched yourself.
02:16:37.000 With hard work and focus, you just became a much better comic, and you started killing, and you started headlining on the road, and you started developing an audience, and through podcasts and all this shit, it's all just sort of come together, man.
02:16:50.000 I have one or two bits in there that I'm like, fuck yeah, I'm really proud of those.
02:16:53.000 Just chicken bit, you'll see.
02:16:55.000 The comics, again, they did, I was like, it's eight and a half minutes, can you please put the whole bit in there?
02:16:58.000 And they were like, yes.
02:17:00.000 Thank you.
02:17:01.000 That's awesome.
02:17:01.000 Yeah, so watch it at midnight this Friday night.
02:17:05.000 Or wherever you are.
02:17:06.000 And go to AriTheGreat.com for tour dates and all that shit.
02:17:09.000 He's traveling all over the place.
02:17:10.000 Brea, Sacramento, Australia.
02:17:12.000 He's going to Australia.
02:17:13.000 He gives zero fucks.
02:17:14.000 Washington, D.C. Tons of places.
02:17:16.000 Ari motherfucking Shaffir.
02:17:19.000 All right, ladies and gentlemen.
02:17:21.000 Thanks.
02:17:21.000 Thanks, everybody.
02:17:22.000 Take care.
02:17:23.000 We'll see you soon.
02:17:23.000 Much love.
02:17:24.000 Thanks for doing the show, too, Joe.
02:17:25.000 I love it.
02:17:25.000 Yeah.
02:17:26.000 Big kiss, everybody.
02:17:27.000 Big kiss.