Comedian and weatherman Alonzo Bowden explains why it's not raining in Southern California right now and why you should put the top up on your car because it's going to rain tonight. He also explains why he thinks El Nino is actually a thing, and why he doesn't think it's a bad thing. And he also talks about how he got his start as a stand-up comedian and how he became a weatherman. And how he thinks we should be worried about the weather because we're not getting any rain right now. Thanks to our sponsor, the Ice House Comedy Club in Los Angeles, for sponsoring this episode. The Ice House is a comedy club located in the heart of downtown Los Angeles. They have a great outdoor space in the back where you can watch the city from your living room. Just pay the 2.95 postage and you get 20% off your first box of ice cream. If you like what you hear, please HIT SUBSCRIBE and leave us a rating and review on Apple Podcasts! or wherever else you get your stuff. Thank you so much for your support, it really means a lot to us and we really appreciate it. XOXO, Joe and the crew. Love ya! -The Weather Guy Joe & the Weather Guy. -Alonzo "The Weatherman" - The Weather Guy" - The Weatherman - and the Weatherman Thanks for listening and supporting us, Joe & The Weather Man by the weather guy thanks you're a rockstar! Thanks, Joe & the rest of the weatherman! - The weatherman, . - the weather man is a great guy! Love you, Mr. Bowden Cheers, Joe, Cheers! . . . Thank You, Joe is a big guy. , Joe, the Weather Man, Joe, and the weather expert , and the rest is a lot more! XO, The weather man, , the weather guru ( ) Love, - Joe, JOE, JOB, JOSCOYO, JUICY, JEANO AND THE PODCASTING, JACOB AND THE WATER MAN JOSEPH, JOSH, JORDY, AND THE WEATHER MAN
00:03:14.000Yeah, I did a thing with Fritz Coleman, and one of his funniest jokes, he said, you think it's easy doing weather in L.A.? He said, think of 300 different ways to say partly cloudy in the morning, sunny in the afternoon.
00:04:06.000Yeah, you always hear about the little small town weather guy that was in some weird thing, like got caught with a prostitute at a massage par.
00:04:46.000I guess violence would be the only thing Unforgivable for a comic.
00:04:51.000But when it comes to, like, sex scandals or, you know, cheating on your wife or drunk at the airport or whatever, like, for comics, they're like, yeah, well...
00:07:13.000My buddy said when his girl got pregnant, she was a little irritable because she was pregnant.
00:07:19.000But then after the baby came, once she realized that he was never going to leave because he loves the baby and he loves having a family, she started ordering him around, yelling at him.
00:08:02.000And just immediately, and he went from being the happiest guy, I'm psyched, she's perfect, we get along so well, we're gonna have a baby together that's gonna be amazing, to fuck, dude, I don't know what to do, fuck!
00:08:15.000He was just constantly stressed out, his eyes were darting around the room.
00:08:19.000That sounds like the old days when you had to stay married.
00:09:05.000When I was young, it was a big deal, man.
00:09:07.000Someone talked about getting divorced.
00:09:09.000I remember when I was a little kid, a lot of it was like they would start bringing up the church.
00:09:13.000But the church doesn't want you getting divorced.
00:09:15.000In the eyes of the Lord, you're married, you should work this out.
00:09:19.000Part of the problem is who you are when you meet, say if you meet, you're 25, you fall in love, you get married and you're 30, who you are at 30 is not who you are at 40. You are a different fucking human being.
00:09:32.000But you have a much better chance then than really young.
00:09:36.000I have a niece, she's 26, and she's engaged, and I'm still waiting to see how this plays out, because he's 23. And I'm just like, too young.
00:09:48.000Just think who you are at 23 to who you are at 30. Completely different.
00:12:00.000It wasn't, yeah, back then it wasn't yet the big crime it is now.
00:12:04.000Like back in around, this is 80, 81, 82, getting a DUI was like a really bad ticket.
00:12:11.000You went to jail for one night, but it wasn't like it is now.
00:12:17.000As a matter of fact, I taught comedy traffic school in the late 90s, and they said a DUI then cost you $10,000 by the time you paid for the fine and drunk driving school and a lawyer and all of that.
00:12:32.000It's got to be a lot more than that now.
00:12:57.000It's bad enough if you have an accident, but if you're drunk and you have an accident or you kill your friend in the car or some shit like that, having to live with that's got to be the worst.
00:13:06.000Yeah, and he was like, I don't think we were any older than 17 or 18 at the time.
00:13:10.000I think he was just learning how to drive, really.
00:13:14.000I heard about it, heard the whole story, and I knew that he had tried to commit suicide at the hospital.
00:13:33.000He just ran towards the window and they grabbed him.
00:13:38.000I was walking down the street in my neighborhood, and he was walking towards me, and I saw him, and he saw me, and we looked at each other, and I said, how you doing, man?
00:14:05.000No, but there was a guy, I think he was a publicist to Paris Hilton or something like that, like one of those, I think it was Paris Hilton's publicist, drove off the fucking mountain in Malibu, you know, those crazy winding roads,
00:14:22.000and he made a text about his dog, like, LOL, she's so cute, and the dog was in the car with him.
00:14:31.000I forget the specifics of the case, but they found the dude at the bottom of the canyon, and then they deduced, like, oh, this dumb fuck was texting.
00:14:38.000One single passenger, I mean, a dog, by himself, not an accident, didn't collide with anything, just went off the side.
00:15:43.000Meanwhile, I was going 55 miles an hour, staying in the lane, was very aware of everything, looking left, looking right, looking in the rearview mirror.
00:15:51.000But if I was drunk, I'd been like, I got this.
00:17:19.000Well, Joey Diaz would tell stories about giving girls chopped up aspirins and them acting like it's the greatest coke they've ever done in their life.
00:17:26.000Yeah, yeah, people, well, so much of it is, like, psychological.
00:17:30.000But with crack, I mean, when it hits you, you know it.
00:17:34.000But this one, I, listen, Joe, I got busted.
00:18:51.000So that was the moment you decided to quit?
00:18:53.000When I, yeah, that night in jail, it was one of those things where, like, it's one of those moments where you realize I'm not supposed to be here.
00:19:03.000Like with everything that had transpired in my life, like I was still in aerospace then, but you know, licensed airplane mechanic, good job, blah, blah, blah, everything else.
00:19:13.000It just hit me in that moment like this is not how it's supposed to end.
00:19:16.000Because I knew guys who had gone down that road, you know what I mean?
00:19:19.000Like I knew guys who were doing time and shit like that.
00:19:44.000We were going somewhere upstate New York, and we went to visit him.
00:19:49.000And when you go in and that gate closes behind you, like I don't know if you've ever been in a maximum security prison, but when that gate, it's...
00:20:00.000Never forgot that sound for the rest of my life.
00:20:53.000Well, actually, the first time I tried it, okay, it started out, you know, like just partying as a kid, smoking weed, drinking beer, whatever, and then getting into a little cocaine.
00:21:05.000Here and there, you know, snorting it.
00:21:09.000And then I had a friend, and this had to be 84 maybe, 83, whatever, when people were still, you know, just starting to get into freebasing and crack and stuff like that.
00:21:22.000And he hit it, and he gave me the pipe, and I hit it, and I was like, holy shit.
00:21:43.000It's an overpowering rush of energy and, I don't know, like a lightning bolt hitting you with no pain, but just like you're buzzing, like your whole body is just...
00:21:57.000You know, I guess cocaine works on whatever the receptors of good feelings in your body.
00:22:05.000I forget what it's called scientifically.
00:22:06.000It's dopamine, but they're also like nerve...
00:22:08.000There are nerve endings that make you feel good, and cocaine works on these.
00:24:46.000And the bad thing is, once you get to that point, you're not getting high anymore because your brain's so fried.
00:24:54.000That the drug's not working, like whatever the nerves and the brain cells and stuff are fried, so you're smoking it, but you're not getting that rush anymore.
00:25:04.000You're chasing it, you want it, but you can't find it.
00:25:07.000So the initial rush that you get the first time you do it is just overwhelming, and then everything else diminishes more and more?
00:25:14.000It's never, you know, like Sade's song, it's never as good as the first time.
00:25:19.000And that's the whole thing with drug addiction.
00:25:21.000With any drug, it's so good that first time that you're chasing it and you can't get that feeling again.
00:25:28.000I think that's the difference between addicts and regular people.
00:25:32.000Like regular people like you get high.
00:25:38.000I'm having a good time, but when you're an addict, it's like you want that ultimate feeling that you got that one time, and you will sacrifice everything to get it.
00:27:39.000And that was one of the reasons I think that I was able to hide it because I didn't look like a crackhead because I didn't lose weight because I got coked up and worked out.
00:30:29.000Like, in other words, once you got that first hit, then you didn't care about...
00:30:34.000And that's why you hear about those stories about people, you know, leaving...
00:30:38.000I mean, the tragic stuff, leaving their kid in the car while they were in the crack house or, you know, the guy who never comes home or whatever, because you were out of your mind.
00:31:33.000My last Thanksgiving, now I'm invited to at least two, three friends and families, you know, come over for Thanksgiving dinner, this or that.
00:33:00.000It's a real rock bottom, but when it comes to rehab, if I had walked out of the house on Last Comic Standing into celebrity rehab, how fucking famous would I be now, Joe?
00:33:15.000Well, that's the funny thing, and it's literally one of those cases where the worst thing in your life leads to the best thing in your life.
00:34:10.000So after she talks, I make my move, you know, because I'm sober like three fucking days, right?
00:34:16.000But she said, listen, I'm married, but there are a lot of women like me that go to a place called Studio 12. And Studio 12 was a rehab for the crew.
00:34:27.000But the crew, the electricians, the lighting guys, the makeup artists, the clothes, they all went to this place called Studio 12, and that's where she was from.
00:34:36.000So she took me over there, and I met these guys, and I started going to meetings there, and that's where I got sober.
00:34:43.000Those were the guys who helped me, who showed me, who sponsored me, everything else.
00:34:49.000But they were also they were in the entertainment business and and I always had a sense of humor I could make people laugh but I had never thought about it because if you're not like you know I grew up in blue-collar home and then you you grow up you go to school you get a job like entertainment show business nowhere on the radar that's something that other people do and you watch on TV but now I know guys who are in it I know people who are doing it and I was teaching aerospace and making people laugh and shit like that and I said I want to be a comic and And my AA sponsor
00:36:47.000It was just—I had this sense of humor.
00:36:50.000And what Recovery did, it changed my sense of humor from, like, this— This anger, belittling, ripping on people thing to jokes like I'm in on a joke.
00:38:30.000But just the toll on his body, all those years and years of just fucking hitting it hard.
00:38:35.000I have friends who that's happened to, mainly guys who shot drugs, who gave them up, and then 20 years later, Hep C or something like that.
00:38:45.000Some latent result from shooting drugs in their 20s destroys their body in their 50s.
00:38:53.000Yeah, that hep C one's a real common one for guys who do heroin.
00:39:11.000Someone that loves hep C. You know, I don't know a tattoo like a I know tattoo artists like if you asked them do they be no like No, I'm wearing gloves for a reason, right?
00:39:25.000Yeah, this is this is a this is a real procedure You know, it's funny that you said that you you grew up in a blue-collar house and that you didn't know like entertainment was never on the radar because I think that's the case for a lot of people that once you're around someone like when you're around those people that were working in show business you're like,
00:42:08.000It's like she did all the Go Daddy, you know, the bikini stuff and this and that.
00:42:12.000And then she's like, well, why do you treat me like a girl?
00:42:15.000Because you're fucking selling bikini pictures like you, you know.
00:42:19.000I don't think there's anything, you know, people will say there's something that like it lessens a girl to sell herself in bikinis or something like that.
00:42:32.000A girl's body, when a girl has a hot body, for a guy, that is the most desirable thing to look at on the planet.
00:42:41.000When you see a girl that has Jennifer Lopez's ass, that little thin waist and big ass.
00:42:48.000There was a girl in line to take pictures with us after the show at the House of Blues in Houston, and me and Ian Edwards talked about her every 20 minutes for the rest of the weekend.
00:44:18.000When I first started doing comedy, especially, I always was like real nervous about people seeing the fact that I had muscles, seeing the fact that I worked out, because I always felt like that working out and comedy, they just didn't go together.
00:45:12.000Yeah, the idea that somehow or another, like, a person who's fit or you have a good body or something, that precludes you from being smart.
00:45:33.000Because we know that if you are built like that, the odds that you're doing the work, the odds that you're really studying shit and reading shit and paying attention and really analyzing your thoughts and being objective and correcting mistakes, eh, probably not.
00:45:47.000Because you got dick thrown at you like javelins all day long.
00:45:57.000To judge them on that, I mean, if you've met enough people in your life, you realize that there's some really hot chicks that are smart as fuck.
00:46:07.000It's like they say, and I found this to be true, the most amazing women are the ones who got hot after high school.
00:46:15.000Mmm, yeah, they did because they yeah because they had to they had a personality and they were smart or this or that and then they hit their 20s and They kind of figured out how all the parts come together and became like holy shit hot but they still have that they develop that personality or whatever whereas I If you're born hot and you just look great all your life,
00:46:36.000and I've met women like this that they have no clue, like, they really think life is that easy for everyone.
00:48:22.000I don't think there's anybody any funnier because I think If you look at comedy, you look at stand-up comedy, I really think that we're right now, we're in the golden age.
00:48:30.000I don't think there's ever been more funny comics.
00:48:32.000I think because of the internet, guys like Joey that probably would have never made it on television and they wouldn't have gotten a shot on a Tonight Show back in the day, now you get to find out how funny they really are from podcasts and you get to go see them do stand-up.
00:48:48.000I think if you look at all the greats, if you go back in time, comedy gets better over the years.
00:49:59.000I just think that as time goes on, things get better.
00:50:04.000But out of all the guys that I've ever seen, and I saw Kinnison live, I worked with Pryor at the end a bunch of times at the Comedy Store, but he wasn't really Pryor anymore.
00:50:14.000He was real sick, and he was in a wheelchair at the time.
00:50:30.000Anyway, they would carry her, they would carry him, they would carry her husband, would carry Richard Pryor through the audience and sit him down, and then they would crank the microphone, and I'm like, real loud, because he could barely talk.
00:51:07.000When that guy's on, when he's on and when his face is red and he's fucking screaming and going crazy, I just, I don't think there's anybody better.
00:51:15.000I think he's the funny, I think, like, overall, he's the funniest guy that's ever loved.
00:53:10.000I know you're going to let Hackett have it, right?
00:53:13.000Because you black comics, when it comes to being funny, I mean, the coloreds, you colored guys are just so hilarious.
00:53:18.000When you Negroes start, and he just keeps going, he just keeps going, saying the same thing with different words for black, and I am fucking cracking up because it's like, I don't even know you.
00:53:38.000They had a different time and they had a camaraderie and when they were When they weren't on TV or on screen or whatever, they had no filter.
00:58:02.000And then everybody like, yeah, what's that like?
00:58:05.000Because finally someone asked, finally someone asked, But the other dude was this younger guy, this young Puerto Rican kid that I used to work out with.
00:58:12.000And he wound up doing a lot of dancing for dudes.
00:58:15.000He wound up dancing for dudes, and I think he told me he let dudes suck his dick, too.
00:59:54.000The weirdest thing I heard, after we did last comic, we were touring this and that, and Tammy Pascatelli said she went to a gig And a guy had a life-size cutout of her that he brought to the gig and he wanted her to sign.
01:00:10.000How fucking weird would that moment be?
01:00:48.000Yeah, well, three was the kind of thrown together season where they took comics from season one and put them against the comics from season two.
01:03:10.000Jay's a sweetheart, but definitely a tortured soul.
01:03:13.000There are a lot of demons going on with him.
01:03:15.000It was fascinating watching him become famous, because knowing him as long as I knew him, and then for a small window of like a year or so, after Last Comic Standing, he was really well known.
01:06:24.000They all would steal each other's shit, and they would go from town to town, and they would do jokes, two Jews walking to a bar, and then they would have a little thing that they would piece together.
01:06:34.000Because no one did television back then.
01:07:52.000It was that weird controversy where all the people that got on the show, even though we didn't vote for them, they wound up getting in because Barry was managing them.
01:09:51.00004, 05. Yeah, so this was pre, because the Mencia thing was like 2007. Well, what happened with Brett and Drew Carey, and I always felt that they set them up You know, kind of set them up for this to happen.
01:10:03.000So we're doing the semifinals in Vegas, right?
01:10:06.000There's 20 of us there, and 10 of us are going to go forward into the house and do the show.
01:10:13.000So it came down to, I think it was Dan Natterman and somebody else.
01:10:49.000And I think all of that made a difference in them picking...
01:10:54.000But they had Brett and Drew under the impression that they were going to pick the ten.
01:10:59.000Because one of the other comics they picked wasn't going to get on because they did the same set at both auditions and they'd kill you for that.
01:11:06.000They were like, look, if you don't have two different three-minute sets, you're not ready for the show or whatever.
01:11:16.000Brett up, because I remember when Brett got pissed and got up out the chair and walked off, because I think we all knew that they weren't making the final decision.
01:11:32.000It was the producer's decision, which is why it was so frustrating for people when they found out that Barry was managing people.
01:11:38.000Yeah, and the one thing I can say when all that went down, I had no connection with anybody.
01:11:44.000Because Barry managed some, and then Ross, Bob and Ross from The Tonight Show, they had had a management company before they were scouts for The Tonight Show, and I think one or two of the comics had been with their management company.
01:13:05.000It was the most awkward silence, like her act.
01:13:09.000It was like this monologue and just the crowd was just, like, where it's not even bombing.
01:13:15.000Yeah, the look on your face right now, I don't know if there's a camera on you, but if people, if you saw the face Joe just made, that was the whole, yeah, a lot of that.
01:13:49.000Yeah, they didn't tell us anything, who they wanted and who they didn't, but it was real obvious when we all, like, we would talk about it, like, before Buddy got mad at me.
01:13:58.000You know, I'm like, did you guys pick them?
01:14:18.000There was the Brett Butler thing, and then we had read that the judges were really just sort of for show, and that really it was the producer's decision who to get on and not get on the show.
01:14:28.000Yeah, ultimately it was, because part of it, like I was talking with K.P. Anderson about it, because K.P. was working on the show.
01:15:44.000Like, you know, I've always said that, like, when people talk about discrimination in TV, there's definitely discrimination in TV, but a lot of it, but one of the colors they see is green.
01:15:56.000And some of the shit they do, like when they do stereotypes, like we were talking about it earlier, you know, like Friday night I was on Dr. Ken's show as a bouncer, alright?
01:18:04.000I don't even know if America votes or I don't even know how they do it now because, you know, when we did it, they didn't have Twitter and shit like that.
01:18:12.000I did it when we had MySpace and I had a girlfriend who would get mad at me Because of things chicks would post on MySpace after they saw me on TV. Oh, Alonzo!
01:24:57.000Yeah, all right, I'm on TV. But any moment while I was on stand-up, when I was on TV, I was thinking, this is going to end, and I'm going to go right back to being a stand-up.
01:25:06.000I always thought of myself as a stand-up.
01:27:05.000He said the reason he stopped doing it, because other clubs, they were giving it away free.
01:27:10.000So he's four-walling and trying to sell tickets when they're giving away, you know, free tickets to so-and-so's show because they're backed by the casino.
01:27:19.000And he said that's why he said you just got to where you couldn't, you can't compete with free.
01:27:25.000You got to go on the road and you haven't really established yourself on the road in decades because all this time he's been in Vegas doing this one place just trying to pack this one place with people out of town so he's got the billboards he's got the the things on top of the cabs and all that shit and he's got a good hustle at keeping it together in Vegas but that shit doesn't mean anything when you go to Philly you know the people that haven't gone to Vegas they're like George who?
01:30:17.000There's some show on country music television, like American Idol, but for country singers.
01:30:22.000Meanwhile, it probably gets 20 million people to watch it.
01:30:24.000Yeah, and they wanted all of us to do a show, and I had hoped it went, because I wanted to see what it would be like to just be on a Vegas show, to live in Vegas and work in Vegas for six months.
01:33:21.000Anyone I know who lives in Vegas, they're like, yeah, I'll go.
01:33:24.000Occasionally there's a show they'll go to or they'll take their friends there when their friends visit, but otherwise they just don't go to the strip.
01:33:32.000Have you ever been to that bar on the top of Vegas, the top of the, is it Mandalay Bay?
01:33:38.000I think it's Mandalay Bay, the bar on the top where it looks out over, it's like the most insane view.
01:33:44.000Like the 50th floor or something like that, yeah.
01:33:46.000And you get up there and you look out at all that neon and all that craziness and it literally is like an image of the future from a science fiction movie.
01:33:55.000Like if you were in the 1920s or something like that and people imagine, what do you think it's going to be like in 2015?
01:34:03.000Well, this is what they would probably imagine.
01:34:05.000See, the thing I love about Vegas, and I've always said, if somebody came from another country, they're like, I want to see America.
01:37:33.000With all due respect to Alonzo staying in L.A. But you gotta think, like we were talking about with Tammy Pascatelli, as a touring comic, you really...
01:37:41.000You know, your home becomes just a base, and you travel out of it.
01:39:35.000And like we were saying before, that joke you did about wiggers, like, Joey and I were, like, howling on the phone laughing about that one joke.
01:39:59.000And now you have the next generation coming up.
01:40:03.000I like working some of those alternative rooms and some of those youngster rooms just to be around something different.
01:40:10.000Not the bullshit side, but the ones who are real comics, but they're coming up and they're just funny, but they're doing it in a different way.
01:40:42.000It's totally normal and a part of life.
01:40:43.000So we start talking about looking at encyclopedias, like, what?
01:40:47.000Did you break out the scrolls of the elders?
01:40:50.000Did you go to the sacred cabin in the woods where they kept the scrolls?
01:40:54.000And then the other side, when you see older comics who don't change their act, so they'll make like a videotape reference, and you're like, videotape?
01:41:10.000You've heard someone do a joke like that recently?
01:41:13.000In the past three years, I've heard set the clock on the VCR. There's nothing sadder than a lot of these guys that just don't write anymore.
01:41:22.000There's something about, like, musicians can pull that off.
01:41:25.000Like, musicians from the 1960s can do the same songs.
01:41:28.000If you went to see, you know, fill in the blank, you know, whatever band, and they were doing some shit from the 1960s, you'd be like, oh, shit, that's a great song.
01:41:36.000But if you went to see a comic and they were doing jokes from the 1960s, you'd be like, what kind of sadness am I looking at?
01:42:30.000And if I do a joke, we heard that one, and I could never be like, alright, it's from Eddie Murphy and Delirious 1983. I'd like to do Gunny Goo Hoo.
01:43:13.000I don't know who got mad at him, but that's what I had heard.
01:43:15.000So then he started doing impressions of these comics with material that he wrote.
01:43:19.000I heard some guy did an hour of Patrice and put it on YouTube as if it was his own.
01:43:25.000Well, he had done a bunch of other stuff that Patrice had done in the past and not acknowledged it, and he tried to pretend that it was obviously just an homage to Patrice, but it wasn't.
01:44:20.000You know it when you can bullshit the crowd and you can make millions of dollars, but then you're in the room or you're on the show with the real comics.
01:44:44.000You call yourself a diva, but Aretha Franklin's in the room.
01:44:49.000And you're like, oh shit, this isn't going to go wrong.
01:44:54.000They care because, like, what you were saying, like, that the respect of the old guard, like, the respect of respected comedians, like, coming up to you, like, you know, we've all had, like, I tell you that the Damon Wayans one, I'll never forget that, because it's in the parking lot,
01:45:09.000and I was like, whoa, he probably doesn't even remember, you know, but just becoming friends with Robert Schimmel, you know, I'm like, I'm really friends with Robert Schimmel, like, he's a real comic, and I'm friends with him, like, I guess I'm a comic now, like, I can be a comedian.
01:46:30.000But I watched him go up at the Comedy Store and my initial thought was like, oh shit, I didn't even know Michael Richards did stand up.
01:46:37.000And he would go on stage and the audience went nuts.
01:46:41.000But then three minutes in, they were like, When does this guy start telling jokes?
01:46:47.000What he'd do, I'd watch him, and then he would just do a Seinfeld move, like the head shake, something like that from Seinfeld, and the crowd would love it.
01:47:20.000This Cosby thing, man, we were talking about that, about, like, how this guy...
01:47:26.000For the longest time was thought of as like one of the all-time greats and now people look at him and they think well he's a guy that's just he's just a piece of shit yeah like that flip-flop between being like this respected adored idolized all-time great comedians like if you had to pick a Mount Rushmore stand-up comedy there's only four guys on there one of those fucking guys until the last year one of those guys is gonna be Bill Cosby Yeah.
01:47:54.000You know, I'm so torn because I love Cosby.
01:47:56.000I think Cosby's one of the greatest, if not the greatest of all time.
01:48:00.000Definitely would be on the Mount Rushmore.
01:48:01.000So now it's like, okay, still a great comic, but bad guy.
01:48:48.000In the early days, drunk driving was no big deal.
01:48:50.000I think they used to think the same way about dosing people.
01:48:53.000Because Bill Cosby used to have a whole bit about Spanish Fly, about giving a girl, slipping a girl a mickey, and she gets all horny and fucked up.
01:49:02.000I mean, you're drugging someone against their will.
01:50:53.000When Michael Jackson came out, I remember the DJ saying, look, I know what you're saying, that this is dance music, but listen, this is just a great song.
01:51:03.000And the guy played, I think it was, I'm trying to remember what song it was.
01:51:09.000I don't know what it was, but it was like that, like, Thriller, when Thriller came out, everybody just stepped back and just went, what the fuck?
01:51:17.000This is just genius on a level that no one had been able to reach before.
01:51:22.000Yeah, I did this award thing, and they were giving an award to Quincy Jones, you know, and he produced Thriller.
01:52:12.000Like, you could say, you look at Elvis and you go, yeah, Elvis was a really good singer and a good performer, but Elvis kind of borrowed a little bit from the old rhythm and blues guys, and he borrowed a little bit from the way Chuck Berry used to dance, and there was a little bit of this and a little bit of that.
01:52:28.000When Michael Jackson came along, you gotta go, okay...
01:52:33.000And the other thing about Michael Jackson, and I always said that this is the part people don't talk about.
01:52:38.000Like, he was world famous at 10. Like, when you talk about he's fucked up, can you imagine everyone in the world knowing who you were when you're like 10 years old?
01:52:48.000Like, you know, by the time you're 15, adult women pass out.
01:52:53.000Like, can you imagine walking into a room and having people pass out?
01:52:56.000Just because you walked in a room, they're overcome...
01:53:52.000Remember when he was in the Jackson 5 and his fucking brothers, his brothers who were all grown ass men, had to sit back and watch their little brother just run shit.
01:54:02.000Because their dad gave birth to this one just super genius.
01:54:07.000Like they had all these kids and everybody was really talented.
01:54:10.000Latoya and Janet and Jermaine, everybody was talented.
01:54:13.000But then there was this little motherfucker, the last one out of the box.
01:54:53.000My friend Eddie has an interesting theory about Bill Cosby.
01:54:57.000He said, you know what, at the end of the day, Bill Cosby, even though he was super famous, he probably got turned down.
01:55:04.000He probably got turned down occasionally.
01:55:05.000It probably drove him crazy and didn't like it.
01:55:08.000And so, one of the stories that I was reading, where the girl was talking about her experiences with Bill Cosby, that it started out in this mentor-friendship sort of relationship, and then eventually he drugged her and then fucked her while she was passed out.
01:55:22.000And then, you know, she just felt violated and horrible.
01:55:25.000But it was this mentor thing that he would angle in first.
01:55:30.000And then when he couldn't get the pussy that way, he was like, oh, okay.
01:56:52.000Where Jared paid like $1.4 million so that 14 victims get $100,000 each and it was like, okay, so 14 kids who he solicited, he offered money for sex.
01:57:06.000The solution is to pay them each $100,000 out of the settlement.
01:58:53.000No, I first heard about it when his friend got arrested.
01:58:56.000And they were like, this guy runs Jared's charity organization and...
01:59:02.000I don't know if he had anything to do with kids, like if it was Little League or whatever, but there was something wrong with this guy being involved in charity and helping children.
01:59:13.000There's no worse, because they're both awful, but somehow it is worse.
01:59:19.000Somehow fucking kids is worse than drugging people and having sex with them.
01:59:51.000They might have been, but I think some, I don't know, well, they only, part of his plea was only one count.
01:59:58.000So he's only, like, in other words, they're only charging him with one, even though there were others involved.
02:00:06.000But even so, you know something, you know what's funny about that?
02:00:09.000Like, you talk about a 15-year-old, and like, we were talking about this the other night, you know, like when the 50-year-old guy, A 15, 16-year-old girl could be hot, but she's still 15 or 16 if you're an adult man.
02:00:26.000If you're over 20, 21, you're still like...
02:00:29.000Yeah, if you're 18 and a girl's 16, that makes sense.
02:00:56.000If you got a girl like that girl I was talking about in Houston that Ian and I met that had this tiny waist, this big juicy ass.
02:01:02.000She was a grown woman, but she was probably built like that when she was 14. I had a buddy, he's a principal now, but he taught high school when he was like 23, 24. So he's the guy that the 16 and 17-year-old girls,
02:02:34.000It's not pre-dad got a gun because that's some shit that they will not convict you.
02:02:39.000Well, ages of consent are very strange, man.
02:02:41.000And there's all sorts of weird gray areas that come along with ages of consent.
02:02:45.000Like, here's one of the issues that's happening right now with kids and technology is that young people are taking photographs of themselves naked and passing it out to their friends and then getting busted for child pornography.
02:03:45.000You know, I do not want any 15-year-old pussy pictures on my phone.
02:03:50.000I don't, you know, you hear me joke about it, like, they're young, no, I don't, too much trouble, too much drama, energy, whatever, nope, no thanks.
02:04:00.000I got a friend who's a dentist, and he's in his 50s, and he's divorced, and he's talking about dating.
02:04:06.000We were talking about it, and I go, how old are the girls that you date?
02:06:02.000But, you know, dating, like, I started seeing this woman, and she's in her late 40s, and it's fantastic, because she's got a son, but he's, you know, almost like he's in his late teens, so that's not a big hassle.
02:07:24.000You know, like they say, as a man, you could always have a kid, but do you want to?
02:07:31.000I think now it would be more likely, like, if I met a woman who had a young kid and I took him on as a stepchild or something like that, that would be more likely to happen.
02:07:40.000How crazy is it that you're 53 and Joey's 52?
02:08:11.000I think laughter is the best medicine, like that idea.
02:08:14.000I think there is something real about the fact that you're making people laugh all the time, you're having a good time, a lot of laughter and fun.
02:08:21.000I mean, we have more laughs on a regular basis than a great percentage of the people.
02:08:27.000Yeah, because our friends are the funniest people in the world.
02:08:30.000Like you and I the other night, Tuesday night, hanging out at the Laugh Factory.
02:08:34.000We were just howling, laughing, just howling.
02:08:39.000And then you leave there, your whole body's like, ah, you're energized.
02:09:16.000Like, it may end up doing the old folks' home circuit in Florida, you know, but I'm still going to be doing my 20-minute spots at 7 o'clock.
02:15:54.000The ones you'd be happy to do it for, they're the ones who would never ask you For anything.
02:16:00.000Well, there's a lot of people that have that distorted misconception that this business is all about finding the right connections, and then those connections, like you have to work those connections, and that's how you get to the business.
02:16:22.000One thing that does happen, for sure, is that you find someone who's really funny, and then you go, well, who's that dude hanging out with?
02:16:28.000And then you find out, oh, he's got friends.
02:16:30.000I guarantee you their friends are funny, if they're funny.
02:16:33.000If you know Ari Shafir, and you go, well, Ari's funny as shit, who's Ari's friend?
02:16:38.000Ari has some friends from New York that I don't even know, and then he tells me about him, and I'm like, I want to meet that dude.
02:16:56.000Because if you're not, we all have those few friends that we were friends with back from, you know, 15-whatever years ago, and they're not really that good, but you're still kind of friends with them.
02:17:04.000They're like, hey, man, why don't you take me on the road with you?
02:17:06.000Hey, man, how come you never work on your fucking act?
02:21:02.000The more insightful stuff that I can't do in the comedy world, so I'll give my real opinion on it.
02:21:08.000Then other stuff is just me joking about some crazy shit in the news or making fun of some stuff in the news.
02:21:13.000But on occasion I have guests, like I did the LA Podcast Festival and I had guests and people like it, so I guess I need to take it to the next level.
02:21:55.000So the audience, I guess they buy a ticket and say they might listen to your podcast and then walk out of yours and go listen to Todd Glass for a while and come listen to me or whatever.
02:23:02.000I mean, this is great because you're one of the big ones and you got a huge following and this and that, but it's also because you and me, and we talk about it, we don't get to hang that often.
02:23:12.000We cross paths here and there, but it's just, this was, that's why this was always something I wanted to do and fun, just because I like you.
02:23:20.000I have a text on my phone, the last text that I had with you was a year ago, before the recent one, where we ran into each other at the Laugh Factory, and the last one, we were planning on doing a podcast, but we just never fucking pulled it off.
02:23:35.000And that's how it is, because we're both traveling, doing our thing, and this and that.
02:23:40.000I mean, that's the other thing about being friends with comics.
02:23:42.000When you reach the headliner level, you don't see each other anymore.
02:24:51.000And then you'd have to plug your ears while they were on stage because they were so terrible, you hated the audience by the time you got up there.
02:24:57.000I hate the places that have their local favorite And they put him on your show and either he's like some filthy guy or it's just not funny.
02:25:26.000And I've always thought that's why you have a road manager.
02:25:29.000Because you have somebody to say, alright...
02:25:32.000Everybody out you know that the worst is when they start Bullshit with you like you're about to go on stage Yeah, you're going over your notes and they want to fuck around and hang out Yeah, they're talking to the waitress and complaining they're drinking and you're like what what is this?
02:25:46.000Yeah, but you're not even working here I remember, like, this was back when I was opening for Tommy.
02:25:51.000We were somewhere and his security guy wouldn't let me in the green room.
02:26:43.000It's funny, like, I see more similarity in them now than when I first met Tony, but not intentional similarity, just in similarity in the sense that they're brothers.
02:27:22.000He never pushed that he's Chris Rock's brother, but you know he's Chris Rock's brother.
02:27:26.000Yeah, but I'm saying that he's so good that people almost don't take him seriously because he's the brother of one of the greatest comics of all time.
02:27:35.000He doesn't get the props that he deserves.
02:27:37.000Right, but he's not riding his brother in any way.
02:34:31.000You'd go more that way, I think, because you're naturally a high-energy, active person, so your high would probably be a slow down, whereas I'm naturally slow, laid back, so my high was more up.
02:34:48.000I think that's why I took the pot so well.
02:34:50.000This pot, like, gave me a chance to slow down and look at things.
02:37:01.000I don't remember what it was, Percocets or Vicodins.
02:37:03.000I don't remember which one it was, but I remember I sold them to this dude at the pool hall because I was like, these are fucking bullshit.
02:37:10.000I'd rather be in pain than be that stupid.
02:37:13.000But the morphine trip at the hospital was like having your balls cradled by angels.
02:37:21.000It was just like you were being hugged by God.
02:37:24.000It was like the world was just giving you this big warm hug.
02:37:30.000They constantly straightened my leg and bent it.
02:37:33.000It was like this constant motion machine because they're trying to keep your leg from going stiff after they, you know, fucking chisel into it and start putting screws in and all that.
02:41:19.000Honestly, it's not like Herman Cain, because obviously I make fun of all these guys, and the black Republican is always going to be hilarious because it's like everyone else knows.
02:41:47.000It wasn't like you were born into a silver spoon in your mouth or whatever.
02:41:52.000So, yeah, I don't understand Ben Carson at all.
02:41:56.000Well, it's hard when he starts talking about religion, when he starts talking about the Big Bang and evolution is a myth and the Big Bang is bullshit.
02:44:10.000On that level, even Barack Obama, who went in...
02:44:15.000Knowing it, I think his first two years in office was in education.
02:44:20.000Because I think when you really find out how hard it is to make this work and to get these people to work together and to get anything done, you know what I mean?
02:44:35.000Like, how to try to make politics work, how to get anything done.
02:44:40.000And Trump is more like Schwarzenegger.
02:44:44.000When Schwarzenegger thought he was gonna go in and call the legislature girly men and be the Terminator, and they were like, get the fuck out of here.
02:45:01.000I think the difference being that Trump would probably make a big deal out of explaining where all these bottlenecks are.
02:45:07.000He would probably make a big deal about explaining it to the public, doing press conferences and not playing ball because he's so fucking rich.
02:47:23.000He wants to tax the fucking shit out of rich people.
02:47:26.000He wants to do what some other countries do, where the government provides a lot more services, but it's paid for by a lot more taxes.
02:47:35.000So now you're going to have to somehow get that rich 1% that ain't paying to suddenly be willing to pay.
02:47:43.000And to make college-free Sounds good, but now you're talking about change.
02:47:51.000See, when you start talking about changing an entire system, when you talk about cutting money out of defense to pay for things, yeah, it sounds great, but the problem is this has been this military, industrial, defense complex business.
02:48:08.000How many military bases do we have where it's just welfare for the town?
02:48:14.000They don't need the base, but the base is there because the base employs everyone in the town.
02:48:18.000And if you shut down the base, the town goes broke.
02:48:20.000I mean, that's true all across America.
02:48:23.000And the congressmen from that town will fight to the death.
02:48:28.000Like, there's a naval base in West Virginia.
02:48:49.000So when you get a Bernie Sanders, when you get someone who's talking about, I'm going to change the whole system.
02:48:55.000And I think this was the thing with Barack.
02:48:57.000When Barack Obama ran initially, And it was about hope and change and a bunch of young people, college age, got on board and they wanted everything to change.
02:49:08.000And then he got there and it was like, oh, this ain't gonna get done.
02:49:12.000Because when he got there and he had the Democratic Congress, like if there was any chance of him doing it, it was when he had the president and the Congress from the same party.
02:49:22.000And even then Congress was like, well, no, we ain't changing that shit.
02:49:26.000You know, we're not gonna mess with that.
02:49:28.000It's like they say, moving the United States is like turning an aircraft carrier.
02:49:37.000That's the one thing I really love about Bernie Sanders, the idea of free college.
02:49:41.000I think the idea that these kids come out of college and they owe hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loans and they're fucked, it drives me crazy.
02:49:50.000It makes so much sense that you're almost baffled why we don't do it.
02:49:56.000There's one state, and I want to say it was Iowa, I want to say it was Iowa, and I only know about this because a friend of mine, her kid was in school at the time, and she was divorced, and her husband lived there.
02:51:21.000Well, I don't think it is their best interest because they make money off of the fact that college education in this country is subsidized.
02:51:27.000One of the reasons why it's so expensive is because the government is involved.
02:51:30.000The government is involved in all these loans and there's money in that.
02:51:34.000Whenever you have a tremendous amount of money that's being generated by anything, whether it's college or law enforcement or the drug war, it becomes an industry.
02:52:17.000I had this guy, Michael Wood, on this podcast that was a former cop in Baltimore, and when they were there, when he was working there, they found some papers from the 1970s that showed all the crime areas and all the tactics they were using, and he's like, we're fucking doing the same shit they were doing in the 1970s.
02:52:37.000If you want to fix that area, concentrating resources on that area and figuring out a way to solve this poverty cycle that just keeps going on and crime cycle that just keeps going on, you will have less losers.
02:52:52.000You will have less people that you have to prosecute.
02:52:57.000Because education and opportunity don't exist.
02:53:01.000I mean, that is the one thing about the cycle of poverty that I think a lot of people can't understand.
02:53:07.000It's like, you know, well, just get a job.
02:53:10.000Like, well, no, you don't have that, you know.
02:53:13.000And when you go to school and your books are eight years old, you know, like when you say, like, this generation grew up with the Internet...
02:54:42.000Because all these complications that we have right now, all the problems that we have right now, they're going to be accelerated.
02:54:48.000They're going to be accelerated when the growth of the population, when more and more people around There's going to be more and more problems, and then there's going to be all these technological issues.
02:55:06.000You're going to have people escaping reality in all sorts of ways that they're not really doing yet, and that's going to be just as addictive as crack.
02:55:14.000There's going to be people that are just dropping out of society and living in the headset.
02:55:18.000You're going to put on those virtual reality goggles.
02:55:20.000You know, or people are going to figure out how to use it and how to make society work, you know, better or educate people more or allow for communication.
02:55:31.000You know, I mean, when you talk about these kids who grew up with the Internet, another thing they're growing up is they're growing up globally.
02:55:38.000So they have friends in Europe and shit like that.
02:55:42.000They communicate with people from other countries all the time.
02:56:11.000And, you know, and that's where you have like when you have Trump.
02:56:16.000Honestly, when you have this viable presidential candidate saying, well, we're going to build a wall between here and Mexico because Mexico is full of rapists, and then put my name on it, you're like, okay, no.