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00:03:40.000What if it was the first guy to have four legs, and everybody's like, whoa, and for no reason, doesn't make any sense, but girls are like, that's hot.
00:03:49.000That's just some fucking freak DNA thing that pops in a female's head when they see a man with four legs, and they just can't help themselves.
00:05:33.000Those things, dude, those things, the first time I got on one, I can do one now, but the first time I got on one, it was at the comedy store, and this dude who's a comic, what is his name?
00:07:11.000The thing that you get at the Air and Space Museum where you pull the string and it spins forever?
00:07:14.000The thing that's keeping balance of how steady something is and how upright it is.
00:07:19.000Can you pull up the definition of gyroscope, just so I don't feel like an idiot?
00:07:23.000I just want to know if that's what it is, because I've always been saying that, but now that I'm thinking while I'm saying it, am I right that that's a gyroscope?
00:08:41.000The idea of, like, running over a rock and hitting your electrical system, me, as someone with zero knowledge of even how electricity works, I'm just gonna comment on this, Ari.
00:12:57.000Like sometimes they have like wheels, like giant truck tires, but other times they put tank treads on them and they can go deep into the woods.
00:15:37.000You start getting older, you truly don't want to be alone.
00:15:40.000And if you're really old and you're wealthy, and you just find some girl who seems so nice, but every time she makes your tea, you just start...
00:15:58.000It's just, maybe I just, you know, I haven't been having sex since my wife died, and I'm 85 years old now, and I can't believe this girl even wants to be with me.
00:16:07.000I mean, it's just, what a treasure, and what a blessing from the Lord.
00:16:11.000But God, every time she makes me this tea, I'm just shitting myself.
00:21:31.000It's very difficult for people to not just look at some weird addiction that they might have, but to say, okay, even though there's all this amazing convenience of being able to buy movie tickets and being able to check websites and answer emails on your phone,
00:22:11.000It makes me go, oh my god, do I sound that stupid when I'm high?
00:22:16.000You know, because sometimes you'll say things when you're high, and as you're saying them, you would listen to me, and you would go, oh my god, he's an idiot.
00:22:23.000But believe me, I'm saying, oh my god, I'm an idiot.
00:22:28.000As I'm saying it, I'm thinking I'm an idiot.
00:22:31.000Yeah, sometimes I'm like, somebody should write this down and alert the media, because it's brilliant.
00:22:34.000And then you're here the next day, and you're like, what?
00:23:52.000You know, and he's in that interesting position, too, as a sports commentator who also gives, like, really well-thought-out opinions, agree with him or disagree with him, about gun violence, about a lot of other things,
00:29:14.000They were walking by the front row in the original room, and they walked in between the front row of chairs and the table chairs.
00:29:23.000There's one right against the stage, and there's one with the tables.
00:29:28.000So they were walking in between there, and he saw them, and he just leaned over and grabbed onto their shoulders and just left his body weight, this drop, and he just brought them to the ground.
00:29:37.000They were just going back to their seat.
00:30:32.000And a lot of times it's just people that don't know how to behave.
00:30:35.000Like Chappelle was at the store the other night and some guy kept yelling shit out at him and the crowd started yelling at the guy to shut the fuck up.
00:31:14.000I would say that it's way less necessary today than it's ever been before.
00:31:20.000But the crowds have been amazing at the store lately.
00:31:23.000They also sort of, okay, here's the thing, and this is why Canadian crowds are better too.
00:31:26.000Because if you go into it, and your listeners are good, with an understanding of, here's the etiquette of what it's like to be in a comedy show.
00:32:00.000You know, if you grow up, like, exclusively around morons, and you've been responding to morons your whole life, then all of a sudden you're drinking, Dave Chappelle's on stage, you're gonna act like a moron.
00:32:11.000You don't even know why you're doing it.
00:32:13.000Like, as it's coming out of your mouth, you're like, who is this asshole representing the great spirit that is inside me?
00:32:19.000He used to have more problems, like, right after Chappelle's show, they would yell all those catchphrases at him.
00:35:45.000What they're doing is trying to be mean.
00:35:47.000Like they're yelling shit out, trying to interrupt.
00:35:49.000And a lot of them, the reason why they're doing it is because they just want attention.
00:35:54.000You know, it's not even what you're saying.
00:35:56.000They just, for whatever reason, they wanted to do an open mic night, they never did it, they got drunk, and here they are, and they feel like, I'm gonna fucking get this Ari Shafir.
00:36:05.000I don't, this guy, he can't handle what I'm coming with him.
00:36:14.000Dude, I had these two gay guys at the stand, and they were mad at me because it was one of those things where drunks will mishear one word, you know, and they'll just be like, I don't like that.
00:36:23.000No, no, I was saying I don't like people who hate black people.
00:39:00.000Yeah, she got an award of like $10,000 or something like that.
00:39:03.000Well, then it becomes a thing where it's like, you either have to make everyone sign a release before coming to a comedy club, or just saying you're going to kill the art form.
00:41:09.000If she's sitting there with her girlfriend, and she didn't do anything, and he starts saying a bunch of lesbian shit to her and being mean to her...
00:41:22.000We've all seen bad comics do things like that or take attempts, you know, try to be funny and it's just offensive.
00:41:30.000And if you paid money to see something like that, No matter what it is, whether it's a black joke, whether it's a joke about Asian people, and you feel abused, and you're just sitting there.
00:41:41.000What if it's just a joke about their height?
00:41:42.000Where's a line after that, in that way of thinking?
00:41:45.000It's really a matter of what is being said.
00:42:52.000In May of 2007, I don't need to read her name, and a girlfriend were at a club in Vancouver, a restaurant, Vancouver restaurant with a largely gay clientele, when an open mic night hosted by Mr. Earl kicked off.
00:43:05.000The two women decided to stay, according to the later findings of the Human Rights Tribunal.
00:43:10.000During the show, Mrs. Purdy's girlfriend had, Ms. Purdy's girlfriend had merely I pecked her on the cheek when Mr. Earl told the crowd, don't mind that inconsiderate dyke table over there.
00:43:23.000You know lesbians are always ruining it for everybody.
00:44:40.000Were they just two really pretty, interesting women, and one of them did kiss her friend on the cheek lightly, and the comic was eating dick on stage, and he started blaming these girls for the fact that he's eating dick on stage.
00:50:27.000So, in the judge's words, the comic was not giving a comedy performance when he launched into his tirade of ugly words directly from his party.
00:50:34.000But you can see that there are jokes there.
00:50:37.000Yeah, that's not true because that was funny.
00:50:39.000But even if he doesn't land them, it's like if you can see, if you can get an expert to say, oh yeah, here's where he was trying to get a joke, here's where he's trying to get a laugh.
00:50:46.000Well, let's scroll back up to the thing that he said to her because it's fucking clearly a joke.
00:51:27.000If somebody threw a glass of water at me and then threw another one and it was a girl so I couldn't hit her, I'd be like, well, you can't just fucking...
00:51:45.000Well, listen to his point of view, though.
00:51:46.000He says, the couple was passionately kissing in the front and repeatedly interrupting the set with obscenities.
00:51:55.000When Mr. Earl tried to shut up the table with the quip, you're not even lesbians, no guy will fuck you, that's why you're with each other, just thus kissing off the ugly escalation.
00:52:05.000Dude, that's the exact situation, that's happened a billion times that you've seen.
00:52:58.000I think it's a beautiful aspect of it.
00:53:00.000But this poor fucking guy, I mean, if this is the landscape he's operating in, the owner of the goddamn club is getting fucked over by an open-miker.
00:58:45.000Because he said, he goes, I was having sex with this really, I'm paraphrasing, I was having sex with this really hot black girl and I was on top of her and she goes, I can't breathe.
00:58:58.000And I'm like, let's not make this political, honey.
00:59:00.000Let's not bring politics into the bedroom.
01:01:57.000So it's like, alright, they're poor people, and you're saying, we have regulations where the government's gotta get paid so some guy's able to push you around.
01:02:14.000It's stupid for the cop to be put in that position where you're making them arrest people because you have a quota.
01:02:21.000We have to figure out a way where these people don't get paid that way.
01:02:25.000The idea that you have to have a certain amount of crime every day in order to keep your position as a cop, that's insane.
01:02:35.000What about a perfect world where we employ a lot of great cops, they become a member of the community, a respected member, because you don't have any fucking crime, so the cop doesn't be a problem anymore.
01:03:21.000We wouldn't have this fear that people constantly have of getting their home broken into or getting their ass kicked or getting in a fight or getting this or getting that.
01:04:00.000I'm making up an immigrant story, but there's so many people that do so many different things in this world because they're trying to get by.
01:04:08.000And the idea that someone would tackle you and choke you just because you're selling loose cigarettes.
01:05:26.000But what I'm saying is like, if you want to control a guy who's that big, once it's a physical altercation, don't wait until he starts punching you or biting you before you choke him.
01:05:36.000And I'm not condoning it in any way, shape, or form.
01:05:39.000I think it's a terrible, terrible miscarriage of what's ethically right.
01:05:44.000What's ethically right is not that the people with guns that are employed by the state come after you and drag you to the ground because they're not getting their tax money from you, which is all this loose cigarette thing is.
01:05:54.000But what if the store owner did the exact same thing?
01:05:57.000You were saying you, if you did it, you would have to have a reason to do it.
01:06:00.000I mean, it would have to be some sort of an altercation.
01:07:18.000It's a woman, so it's not the one that put him in a chokehold.
01:07:21.000I mean, we could- A sergeant, so she might be one of the ones that's in charge of the people that did it, so I'm looking right now.
01:07:26.000That's what happens when you're a leader, right?
01:07:29.000That's again, like the club owner and the open miker.
01:07:31.000Imagine if you're a sergeant and your rookie out there chokes some guy to death and you get in trouble and you get kicked off the force, you lose your cushy job.
01:07:39.000She's charged right now with failure to supervise, an internal charge.
01:07:43.000Damn, they got her with failure to supervise.
01:07:45.000How the fuck is she supposed to supervise like these guys choking this guy on the street?
01:10:43.000Luke Rockhold tapped out Michael Bisping with a one-arm guillotine.
01:10:46.000Okay, from the mount position, that's a powerful move.
01:10:49.000I mean, it's not exactly this move here, but it's very similar in regards to how much pressure you can put down with your shoulder and how much you can pull up with your arm.
01:12:46.000He'll have some motivational shit, maybe take him to the gym, everybody does some squats.
01:12:51.000Diaz had a guy, Brea, a show, I think we all did, I think it was Brea, where the guy was getting kicked out and they were like, he wouldn't leave, so they were calling the cops, and Diaz was like, you gotta get out of here, they're gonna arrest you, just leave!
01:13:01.000Oh yeah, that video, we made a video of it, remember?
01:13:40.000So, one's going on just web, one's going on TV, talked about when he was on MADtv doing a bunch of blow while he was supposed to be working.
01:13:51.000This is the only life where you can talk about things like that.
01:16:58.000The whole little dance, because people are like, what the fuck are they talking about?
01:17:02.000They have to do this, they introduce each person, and then as they're both in there, I think they do it together?
01:17:09.000Maybe one at a time, I'm not really sure.
01:17:11.000They just do this act-out dance, where they just sort of kick a knee up, and then do a fake clinch, maybe a spin, kick and stuff, but just by themselves, not at anybody.
01:20:33.000It's very different than I'd ever seen before, where he'd like launched arrows at him and shit and like had all this like choreographed, but it was like directed towards this guy.
01:20:42.000Then they fought and he fucked him up.
01:20:59.000Fighters who are maybe aggressive and athletic, and they hit really hard, and they overestimate their ability, and they just think they're a bad motherfucker.
01:31:19.000That would actually be really hot if you had, like, a girl who was like a super hot girl who would carry a message to you taped to her ankle.
01:31:33.000Yeah, you know how, like, maybe, like, you would hire someone to be a clown at a birthday party, or someone to show up at your dance, show up at your office, rather, and do a dance for you on your birthday?
01:31:48.000Instead of that, you have hot girls show up like ravens with a note.
01:31:53.000Attached to their ankle and they have to put their leg up on your desk and untie the note and give it to you in some weird sort of semi-stripper sort of situation.
01:32:02.000And you read this little scroll that someone had written out like old-timey.
01:41:21.000When I mentioned Lana Duret and you were like, who was that girl you were talking about before?
01:41:26.000Dude, I picked up Eddie Bravo once and this girl that he was dating way back in the day and I had Sheryl Crow playing in my truck and she's like, why are you playing this?
01:44:59.000And a lot of what he's doing is theater.
01:45:02.000Like, and if he gets you riled up, especially if he has a point, and I think he has a point with a lot of things he's picking on, he's not dumb.
01:45:48.000He's got this weird loophole and he knows what the fuck he's talking about.
01:45:52.000I mean, I don't agree with him on some things, but he's a very bright guy.
01:45:56.000So when he finds someone that he can pick on, especially like he's really into picking on feminists and calling them out on their hypocrisy and picking on people that...
01:46:06.000He'll go across the board with anybody if he thinks you're being ridiculous.
01:48:07.000But I think there's a difference between, like, I think...
01:48:13.000Tell yourself to make those decisions, not for them to make them for you.
01:48:18.000Getting back to that guy in Vancouver that had to pay 15 grand, what bothers me about Any interaction between two people, that one person said something rude or who knows what exactly went down, that money starts being a thing that's thrown around.
01:48:36.000Because then the government gets their piece too, by the way.
01:52:40.000How about tell the truth about Chris Kyle's life?
01:52:44.000Towards the end, where he was involved in that Jesse Ventura thing, which is really kind of crazy, where he's making up a story about a fight with Jesse Ventura that never happened.
01:52:54.000So Jesse Ventura sued him and won, and then after he won, Chris Kyle got killed, and Jesse Ventura got all these death threats because he wanted to continue with the case.
01:54:54.000Whether or not you think they should come back, whether or not you think they should ever have been there in the first place, he definitely helped.
01:55:02.000But if this movie is about a French sniper or about a sniper in a world that doesn't exist, you wouldn't like the movie.
01:56:04.000Is it also a factor of you're telling a real person's story with as little variation from the truth as possible over an acceptable period of time, a two-hour movie or whatever it is?
01:56:56.000I mean, even the beginning when he finds his girlfriend in the bed with another guy and throws her out and they're having that talk and he's drinking a beer.
01:57:48.000And there's this crazy guy named John DuPont and John DuPont had a lot of money It's like the DuPont name and he was a crazy man and he wanted to wrestle So he hired all these guys and built this incredible world-class training facility and paid them and these guys were struggling wrestlers They went down there and one of the guys Dave wound up getting murdered by DuPont and it was this crazy story and Steve Carell played him in the movie But the movie although it was a good movie The reality was way off.
01:58:18.000They changed the timeline of the UFC. They had the UFC existing way before it did.
01:58:26.000I'm less concerned with that than if it's a movie.
01:58:28.000Unless they say it's an actual biography.
01:58:32.000You know, I'm less concerned with that than if, like in Narcos, I'm like, yeah, some of this is based on truth, some of this is just like, they didn't know the relationship between this guy and this girl.
01:58:39.000Yeah, but they didn't have to fake the, that's like historic data.
01:58:45.000Somebody thinks they're smarter than everyone who's going to know the truth, which is the dumbest thing to think.
01:58:51.000You should never think, if you're going to talk about a subject like the UFC, which to a person like you, I know you're a fan, and definitely People know when it starts.
01:59:00.000It's offensive as fuck when you try to pretend it started at a different date.
01:59:03.000Then, when you watch him watch on television, watch Big Daddy Goodrich fight, but then when he fights in the movie, he fights some white Russian guy.
02:00:26.000Like when they have cursing in Deadwood, it's like, yeah, they didn't have that then, but you're not going to understand the cursing they actually had.
02:03:43.000Me and Red Band went to see Up, and we were so happy, and Rogan and Segura were like, you fucked up, should have seen Drag Me to Hell, and I finally saw it.
02:03:50.000I'm like, this movie couldn't even make up its mind, whether it's a comedy or horror.
02:08:14.000Okay, why don't you shoot your stupid fucking son?
02:08:16.000Late-term abortion son, ready to come up.
02:08:19.000Worst case scenario, you're one of the coolest guys of all time, loved by millions, and your son just turned out to be evil, went to the dark side.
02:11:49.000Yeah, I mean they lived through life and death out there with laser beams and shit, people shooting at them, they survived, they crash-landed together.
02:11:58.000They say that when people form relationships after traumatic events, like if you met someone during 9-11, And like you grabbed her, come with me!
02:12:06.000And you grabbed her hand and you ran and you guys both barely got out of the building and the building collapsed and you got in a car and got away together and then she's crying and she stays in your apartment and you end up falling in love.
02:12:16.000Your fucking relationship will be super intense because it's always going to be connected to this one really powerful event.
02:12:24.000Christy Brinkley apparently had a situation like that where she was in a helicopter crash with this dude and then wound up marrying the dude and then it fucking fell apart and got crazy.
02:12:42.000Like, you ever go somewhere where, like, you had a really bad time and you're around that area, and even if it's ten years later, you're like, ooh.
02:13:25.000But he had that girl that he kept trying to fall in love with, and he figured out, oh, if we get to this stage in yesterday, we will fall in love.
02:13:33.000And let's just stay here and stay in love as long as possible.
02:15:00.000With a girl, a naked woman at his feet, and he's standing on top of it.
02:15:03.000Jesus yes blood and bones and meat and he's got a hot girl doesn't give a fuck She's lying on the blood while he's got a sword and I just want to hold on to your He's covered in scars, too.
02:15:17.000He's got scars over his face all over his arms That was what got me into Conan these images by Frank Frazetta because they created this Superman this Sumerian Barbarian.
02:17:29.000And so he had imagined this Superman, this Ubermunch, who was destroying people back in this fictitious world that he created that supposedly was a long time ago, but who knows?
02:17:46.000Countries that never existed and they were doing battle and there's witchcraft and demons and monsters and then there was this barbarian usurper, this king, who became a king by killing everything in his path.
02:18:01.000And so Robert E. Howard sort of created this guy who's the antithesis of what he was.
02:18:05.000He was this frail guy who lived with his mom, he's a pussy, and he wrote with this longing about this guy who just This lust for adventure.
02:18:54.000It was more about cleaving heads and the gore, him being covered with gore and bits of sinew cover the glistening blade as he slices through the attacker's You know and then they realized like how they fucked up and tried to do battle with Conan and Everybody died everybody died by Conan,
02:19:14.000but it was just this For a 12 year old kid or whatever the fuck I was when I guess I was probably like that age when I got into it.
02:25:20.000I mean, she's not like crazy about it, but there's something about Jesus' teachings that's really starting to appeal to Arnold as he gets older in life.
02:25:27.000And then boom, connects with that Republican base.
02:25:29.000You'd have to get Jesus real popularly.
02:26:10.000There's a guy who was talking a lot of shit.
02:26:12.000It's like, okay, before the internet, you remember those videos of that sensei who's like, try to rush me and just with one finger who drives people back?
02:27:21.000His Canadian tribunals have too much power.
02:27:24.000Yeah, if you had a Canadian tribunal to discover whether or not Jesus ever came back to life, I just think if you came back to life, you should probably stick around and talk to people.
02:27:49.000From what you know of, let's say- That's a guy who got strung up for saying he was a messiah, which he wasn't the only one at the time saying he was a messiah.
02:27:58.000He got strung up for it, and he died, and then the followers had to keep hope alive.
02:28:54.000Who knows what the original message was and who the fuck it was that came up with it?
02:28:57.000It might have been just some really cool dude who wanted everybody to get along.
02:29:00.000And so they decided to kill this fucker because he's talking shit.
02:29:03.000Imagine if the Romans came to town, they got their swords, ready to kick some ass, and this fucking hippie is over here talking some stupid shit.
02:29:19.000There's a story in History on Fire that Daniele Bolelli talks about, where the Romans, they put miles and miles of crucified bodies on this road.
02:32:30.000I mean, it's not a bad weapon if you want to kill something.
02:32:32.000Like, if you want to use it, like, if you're in a deer blind and you're trying to kill a deer, and you want to show someone how to do it with a crossbow, it's a great weapon for that.
02:37:08.000And meanwhile, this woman that Mick Jagger supposedly had some sort of a contract with, where they're not supposed to have sex with other people, she got all upset, and she fucking puts them on blast all over the world.
02:37:20.000Probably put it in a book or something.
02:37:29.000That's not like Bob, you know, the guy who fixes bikes down at the bike shop, and Tim, who's the UPS driver, who has friendly conversations with Bob, and catching them fucking in the men's room.
02:39:22.000So in his Coke rage, whatever he was in, he goes, there's this famous thing.
02:39:26.000He goes, not only has you guys been a wonderful audience, and not only is this the last Ziggy Stardust show of the tour, But it is also, and the band has no idea what he's talking about, what he's gonna say, because this is also the last Ziggy Stardust show of all time.
02:39:42.000And then he plays his last song and gets off.
02:39:44.000And the band's like, wait, we're done?
02:42:10.000People are criticizing him in this really bizarre way.
02:42:13.000First of all, they said, one of these guys said, I read this tweet about it where he's saying, I wonder how Sean Penn feels about real journalists being killed.
02:42:23.000Because the narcos have killed journalists that report on them.
02:43:55.000It's just cattiness for anybody to shit on it.
02:43:58.000Like, to say that he shouldn't have done that.
02:44:00.000Like, he's not gonna keep people alive by not going there.
02:44:02.000And in fact, they believe that the paper trail, or the electronic trail, Of them setting this up is probably what led to them capturing El Chapo in the first place.
02:46:36.000I heard that it's obviously a conspiracy thing, but I heard that the Mexican government might have let El Chapo out to get the cartels and gangs under control because once they arrested him, there was a vacuum.
02:46:48.000Now that he was out, he got everything wrapped up.
02:46:51.000Now they've pulled him back in, which is why he's been arrested again.
02:46:55.000Jamie's with his conspiracies over here.
02:48:58.000Is definitely to be respected like there's a few guys like that that have that Daniel Day-Lewis you know him Russell Crowe there's like there's a few people that have this ability to like transform into like Mariel Hemingway oh yeah Russell Crowe puts out some stuff although he's always pretty good Faye Dunaway Faye Dunaway like from the beginning man you ever watch that's the original stoner that's the original rendition of a stoner the original like everyone else is doing an impression of that now I'm so wasted Remember when he beats the sneaker against his
02:50:54.000That's why it's hard to see whenever your friends book anything and you're watching a movie and you see Diaz or anybody you know or Maz Jobrani.
02:53:35.000So he started getting all these phone calls from pharmacies, and there were these people that barely spoke English, and they're trying to sell him prescription drugs.
02:53:42.000Because this was during the day where there was a kind of a Wild West period, where you'd buy all your drugs from Canada and overseas, and they would ship them.
02:53:50.000And so you could get things without a prescription, like really heavy stuff without a prescription.
02:53:54.000And so Eddie would keep these people on the phone forever.
02:54:00.000He would have these conversations with them and pretend that some noise is going on in the background and he would talk to them and say, what do you have that I can use?
02:54:43.000So he was dragging it on forever, and he would go to give them an address to send it to her, a credit card number, but then he would have some ridiculous excuse he had to put the phone down.
02:54:53.000He'd put the phone down for like 10 minutes, and then go back to it and pick it up again.
02:58:29.000AriTheMotherfuckingGreat.com And if you like sports, check out the sports podcast to do with Sam Tripoli and Jason Tebow called Punch Drunk Sports.
02:58:34.000Oh, that's right, ladies and gentlemen.
02:58:35.000We have Nate Diaz and Nick Diaz calling all the time.