Tony Hinchcliffe is in the house and Brian Redman is in a house and we've been talking about turning your cum off with a light switch. How does that work and why does it make us want to have a baby? We also talk about the invention of dick switches and how they can turn your balls on and off and how to make a baby with them. Also, we talk about how the human male's testicles produce millions of sperm cells every day and why we should all get vasectomies. We also discuss the benefits and disadvantages of the pill and how it can be used in place of a birth control pill. Finally, we answer the question of how high would you like your IQ to be and if you can see better than a normal person's vision. We don't know, but we can tell you it's pretty good! Thank you for listening to this episode of Bathroom Break Podcast. Please don't forget to SUBSCRIBE, Rate/subscribe in Apple Podcasts, comment and tell us what you thought of the episode and what you think of it in the comments section below. We'll be looking out for new episodes in the next few weeks. Have a great rest of your favorite podcast episodes and we'll be back next week with more amazing guests. Love ya, bye. XOXO, EJ & Brian <3 - The EJ and Ben J & Ben J. <3 Music: "Mr. Oof" by The Oof - "The Oof Gang" by P.S. (featuring the Oof Banday (Music: "Goodbye" by BOBY (feat. ) and "Good Morning America" by Jeff Perla & "Thank You" by SONGS and "PODCASTING" by JAY & KAREN MCCARTELLY (c) by PODCAST ( ) (Music by Jeff and Brian R. ( ) and "The Boyz ( ) ( ) is out of the House of Goodfellows ( in the new album "Thank U, Thank You For Coming Back" by is out Now We'll See You Soon ( ) & "I'll Be Back" ( ) by SONG: "I Can't Wait To See You" by , "I Don't Know What's Better Than This" by Eddy ( )
00:02:38.000It seems like in America, these type of things are becoming more and more attractive to us, like an instant solution to anything that we got going wrong.
00:02:48.000Oh, we're going to come up with new retinas.
00:02:51.000And these retinas, they're artificial retinas.
00:02:52.000You put them in your eyes and you can see 2,200 or 20...
00:05:15.000You have to understand how you're orientating the sight on it.
00:05:19.000It's a little more tricky than like a hunting rifle where the sight is magnified.
00:05:24.000With a shotgun, for the most part, unless it has a scope on it, most of the times they don't, you're using the barrel of the gun to line up where the bullets are going to go.
00:05:32.000But any variation up or down by the slightest amount Results in a big deviation of the intended path of the weapon.
00:05:40.000So if you're trying to shoot straight and your thing is just kind of at him but not really, it'll go over his head.
00:05:47.000So you have to line up this little thing in the front, which is like a little tiny nub.
00:05:55.000Like a U. And then the thing in the back, the thing in the back is the U. And you're looking, you're trying to line the two of them up.
00:06:01.000So there's like this little V and you're trying to put this pin in between the little V and hold it there as you squeeze the trigger and don't flinch.
00:06:42.000But if he taught you how to bowl, if you watch him bowl, those guys, they throw that curveball where it comes spinning and it smashes into everything at an angle, and they can do it consistently over and over and over and over again to the point where they'll bowl pretty close to perfect games a lot,
00:07:02.000where they'll get real close to making eight, nine strikes in a row, and you're like, what the fuck?
00:07:08.000When a guy like you or I, I don't know how you bowl, I bowl like shit.
00:07:23.000So if that guy taught you how to bowl, like he could teach you the technique, then it would just be a matter of you wanting to keep working at it.
00:09:36.000We were in the back bar, and it was just me and him, and it was the back bar era.
00:09:43.000A lot of times, comedians gather there and talk, and he just goes, it's just so weird that I can be so good at making money in my online life and so bad at it in my real life.
00:09:54.000He goes, I'm so good at being successful in this artificial life, but I can't get it together in my real life.
00:11:01.000The concept that you can get The better at it, the more time you put in it because you get more stuff.
00:11:07.000That's a really weird concept because that's not how it is in any other game.
00:11:12.000In any other game, what's cool about playing Quake, right?
00:11:15.000I hate to harp on Quake all the time, but I used to love playing it.
00:11:19.000Was that you both start out like you guys were gonna have a death match you both start out with a hundred and fifty life points the same amount of Access to weapons.
00:11:29.000You know you have like a little pistol like you have a little blaster and then you run around the map to try to find where the other weapons are so you have to know the map you have to know where the weapons are and when they spawn because they spawn in increments like every 15 20 seconds or something like forget what it is maybe a minute for some weapons maybe some weapons spawn differently so these guys had programs in their code Where it would alert them when the rocket launcher was about to spawn.
00:11:54.000So they had it, like, timed into their code.
00:11:56.000So they would receive little messages up on their screen that would let them know that rocket launchers are about to spawn.
00:12:03.000So they'd run to get to the rocket launcher, because he who gets the rocket launcher first most likely wins the deathmatch.
00:12:08.000Because these guys know the maps, and they start blasting each other.
00:12:17.000If you got to a point where you could just fuck people up and turn their cities into dust and bring down fire and brimstone, that's too much.
00:15:20.000Bloodline is a Netflix original series that came out like six months ago and it's basically about like this rich family that takes a vacation.
00:15:28.000They like have this vacation in Hawaii and they all get together and shit just goes down.
00:16:36.000Sometimes I don't even realize I was watching a Tom Hardy movie until the end of the movie and his name comes up and I'm like, who was Tom?
00:16:42.000Oh my god, he was the main character the whole time.
00:16:45.000He's another one, one of the only other guys, it's funny to bring him up because he's another one where I literally will look up their name.
00:16:53.000Some of these guys, they actually read the scripts and pick the things that they want to do.
00:17:41.000The last time he did it, I think they had two actual twins in the last version of it.
00:17:47.000Which is probably, they had to settle for whatever actors they could get that were twins.
00:17:51.000Yeah, Tom Hardy's one of these guys that I didn't even know about until my girlfriend, who's like a huge movie buff, kept showing me movies, like, and she would always talk about how hot he is, and she's just like, this guy's fucking amazing.
00:18:05.000And I'm like, you're just making me watch these Tom Hardy movies, because you have a crush on him.
00:18:09.000And sure enough, this fucker won me over, like, big time.
00:18:12.000That's when you know he's good, right?
00:18:36.000Well, he's got to be getting a shitload of money for this, because that's half of the movie is seeing if they can pull that off, right?
00:18:42.000Because you're dealing with CGI. They're combining...
00:18:45.000Somehow or another, I don't know how they're doing it.
00:18:47.000I would imagine what they can do now, and this is just my guess, is that you can get a guy like you, and you and Brian could have like a tussle.
00:18:56.000And as long as you are the same size, you could superimpose his features on you.
00:19:03.000There's a way they could do that with CGI. Well, what's interesting is that if the camera was locked off, Then, up until, I'm sure this movie, it's not locked off on everything.
00:19:32.000But he's got to act both sides of it, right?
00:19:35.000So he's got to somehow or another act both sides of it.
00:19:39.000I'm only assuming if he's physically in contact with someone, they would have to somehow or another get him to act out those scenes and replace his face on the other person's body or something along those lines.
00:19:49.000If they're doing a tussle, they're just doing the thing where it's just the back of the head and then they just flip.
00:19:54.000You know, when they're rolling around where it's like a smaller, weird, creepy version of them.
00:19:58.000I did it with that Pepsi Spice commercial where I just pretty much recorded the same two things and then just split it right down the middle.
00:22:40.000Like sort of reasonable approach to addressing the subject instead of like cracking jokes about it when it was like She was shaving her head and there's like you're looking at a person that's having some some serious stress and mental problems Probably and all we're doing is just piling on to that and he made this like really reasonable Measured plea and I remember thinking like wow that was a genuine thing like that wasn't a That didn't seem like some fake,
00:23:08.000pumped-up PR move to try to get people to view him a different way.
00:25:29.000But anyways, he made a video with Josh Robert Thompson where Josh Robert Thompson played George Lucas on his ranch, and he looks just like George Lucas.
00:26:17.000And so when these guys come in with a premise or whatever, he'll just go, you know, if you go, and the crowd that already heard that premise and punchline, but it's all restructured, he just repeats it back because he has that math brain that's just like...
00:26:34.000He's notoriously one of the most respected comedy writers around town.
00:26:39.000Writing gigs that I've done, he's come up in every writer's room and everybody around a table that are working together always ends up talking about where and when they worked with Bob Oshak and how cool and nice he is.
00:28:01.000It's interesting all these years later.
00:28:03.000I have that same thing with a few guys, and it's amazing because there's definitely a special bond that happens when you know that you start around the same time.
00:28:12.000And you've known each other through the whole process of being fucking horrible, totally incompetent, but just starry-eyed for the idea of being a comic and chasing these dreams together.
00:28:25.000And there's nothing more fun than when you see one of those guys doing something cool.
00:29:18.000Whether it's stuff like that, which is internet-based, which is almost all of the fucking specials that you're hearing about now are these internet-based specials.
00:29:27.000And television shows that are internet-based.
00:29:29.000I mean, Netflix is just, they have so much fucking programming now.
00:29:32.000There's so many different things that you can watch that are internet-based that I think comics have, like most of us, have gotten to podcasts.
00:30:57.000It's always silly, but I'm really glad you're doing your own as well because I think that it's gonna be I think it's gonna be real successful It's gonna be and so it's it's all it's it's something that you can pursue and like you could say I want to talk to this Interesting person.
00:31:12.000I want to talk to this cool guy Like maybe I can get him on my podcast and then all of a sudden you get him and you're sitting there talking to this person and as a per as a human being If you're allowed to pursue your interests like that, it's very enriching.
00:31:25.000And I think what the audience gets out of it, and that's such a fucking pompous word, but that is what it's like.
00:31:31.000And what the audience gets out of it, it's like they get to go on this really cool adventure with you.
00:31:37.000And some of the best aspects of the adventure, like having conversations with these cool and funny and interesting people, they get to be in on them.
00:32:23.000It's really interesting to follow someone, follow their interests, follow, like, what's curious to them.
00:32:30.000Like, when you don't have any other agenda.
00:32:32.000Like, when your agenda isn't, man, we need to get good ratings, we need to get some people in here that are doing some things that people are aware of, which is how you think of, like, every other talk show, right?
00:32:43.000They all become almost generic in a way.
00:32:45.000Because even, like, Letterman, who is, like, fiercely independent and very smart and just overly critical of, like, shitty stuff, And a smart guy, like, didn't like his own stuff half the time.
00:32:55.000He would do his own show, and it would be brilliant, and he'd be like, fuck, I hate myself.
00:33:30.000But the way the system is set up, even though it's a fantastic system if it works out, and you get something like the Jimmy Fallon Tonight Show, which I think is excellent, I think Jimmy Fallon's the best Tonight Show guy ever.
00:35:03.000If you heard his interview with Tim Ferriss, you would look at him in a different light.
00:35:08.000I've always thought he was insanely talented.
00:35:11.000The fact that he could play Ray Charles, and then he played the guy with mental illness that was a homeless guy who was a musician in the Robert Downey Jr. movie.
00:36:42.000I just saw him- I remember- it was last night.
00:36:45.000It was my first spot in four nights and I'm just standing in the back of the room with just fucking like- I was like- I'm crazy, you know what I mean?
00:37:02.000This lady stood up during my set at one point, because I'm talking about this one part of one thing where I talk about how Trump's gonna win this shit, and here's why.
00:38:58.000I just don't think they realize that you're in the middle of this piece, and this piece has a lot of places that it has to go to.
00:39:07.000You have to go left, and you have to go right, and you have to trick them a little bit, and then you bring it home at the end.
00:39:11.000And this woman is in the middle of this thing, screaming out.
00:39:15.000And it's interesting because I've tried here and there with jokes over the eight years of doing this, but I'm never really a political guy.
00:39:26.000But with this new election thing that I'm doing right now, I feel really good about it.
00:39:31.000But it's amazing how the different reactions that you get around the country...
00:39:40.000It's a charged subject in a weird time.
00:39:43.000This is probably the weirdest election ever.
00:39:46.000Because this is the only election I can ever remember where there's only one candidate that his supporters are really fucking excited about him.
00:39:54.000And then there's a bunch of other people that you're like, man, I don't know.
00:40:55.000I think at one point in time we're going to realize that the idea that we keep clinging to of a single guy that's in charge of the whole country is stupid.
00:41:05.000Like, why would you have one person be in charge of anything?
00:41:08.000Why not have, like, a gigantic team of people and why not have the influence of the public on a daily basis be tuned in to this gigantic group of people with, of course, reasonable filters for hysterics when something crazy happens and all of a sudden people want to nuke,
00:41:27.000you know, some country or something like that.
00:41:28.000And for that system to change, what's amazing is, like, I think that we would have to have Well,
00:41:45.000there's some other things he says, like, I actually can...
00:41:49.000Like the other day, I don't know, I was just walking out of a hotel and the news was on the TV and it says, you know, Trump says that Germany terrorist attacks are because they let those people in.
00:42:16.000Which is in this insane move was telling women how they should behave around these men and that they should stay within arm's length It's fucking crazy.
00:42:30.000I mean, they're resorting to victim blaming to try to take focus away from the fact that what they've done is they've let in a bunch of people from another culture who behave differently.
00:44:24.000I don't think that's a question for one person.
00:44:25.000I mean, even one person in a cabinet and one person has, like, veto power and what...
00:44:30.000Man, I think there should be a fucking team of PhDs and super smart motherfuckers who get evaluated on a regular basis for ego problems, alcoholism, all of the above.
00:44:44.000If you're testing mixed martial arts fighters to see if they're on steroids, you should be testing congressmen and senators to see if they're fucking crazy.
00:45:42.000He's a fiscally conservative guy who's open-minded in the sense of socially open-minded, in terms of how he views gay people and even recreational drug use and things along those lines.
00:45:55.000He's very open-minded, almost like with a libertarian bent, but a Republican.
00:46:00.000So it actually, he wasn't a bad choice.
00:46:04.000You're dealing with a bunch of shit, a bunch of red tape and bullshit, and if you ever hear him describe his time in office, it's pretty interesting stuff.
00:46:11.000Like, you don't realize, I think, from the outside, like someone like you or I, Have zero political aspirations or motivations.
00:46:19.000Once you get in, man, you're dealing with this insane system of how things get done and how people will filibuster and people will block this because it'll anger their constituents because these people are paying for that and these people are paying you to make sure that this doesn't pass through because that'll get that through.
00:48:52.000When someone's gone, what they actually thought and what they actually were like.
00:48:57.000Because when you put it through the filter of what we know about how we describe other people and might be off about something or how people describe the past and they try to idealize certain aspects of it.
00:49:09.000Like if it was made by his daughter, she wasn't alive when he was doing that.
00:49:13.000So she's getting it from other people who were there, who, you know...
00:49:17.000He's getting it from his own music and journals.
00:49:21.000It has home movies and it has everything in it.
00:49:26.000I feel like Montage of Heck is like a documentary about Kurt Cobain and Soaked in Bleach is a documentary about the possibility of Courtney killing him.
00:49:36.000I'll tell you this, is that no matter what happened, it's unbelievable how bad the Seattle Police Department dropped the ball on that.
00:49:42.000To walk in on some guy that just killed himself that's worth God only knows what.
00:49:49.000I don't even know if they say during that, but...
00:49:51.000You know, his collection has to be worth, what, at least a hundred million dollars or something crazy.
00:49:56.000Well, it was just a bad police department.
00:50:09.000Because as long as you're a regular person that doesn't have the public's eye paying attention to the case with extreme scrutiny, and again, this is in 1994, right?
00:50:43.000It was just they had never done a high-profile case, so their terrible police work hadn't been revealed to anybody that wasn't, like, the victim of it.
00:50:51.000You know, someone who, I mean, I'm assuming that if they fucked up this case, they probably fucked up other ones as well.
00:50:56.000You're gonna shit yourself when you watch this show, man.
00:50:58.000You should just cut all the shows off right now and just watch the first episode, and you will...
00:51:20.000And just because you get through the fucking academy tests and get into the position doesn't mean you've got your shit together or you're worthy.
00:52:52.000You know, if you're going for a gun, if you have your hand in your pocket and they're like, take your hand out of your pocket, you have to take your hand out of your pocket.
00:53:00.000I don't have any sympathy for anyone who doesn't do that immediately.
00:53:17.000Everybody's on edge with them right now.
00:53:19.000Well, how can you see the media mess them up when there's all these videos of cops shooting people for no reason, doing terrible shit like planting evidence.
00:53:27.000That guy that throws the taser down when he shoots that guy who's running away from him.
00:53:31.000There's a lot of really hardcore video evidence of cops doing terrible things.
00:53:36.000I think they just have to look at it in a balanced perspective.
00:53:39.000The media's not doing anything wrong by reporting these things.
00:53:41.000They're making those cops accountable.
00:54:18.000If you go and watch some YouTube video of some cop doing some horrible shit in the Oakland subway, and then all of a sudden you're in downtown LA and some cop looks at you funny like a fucking pig.
00:54:28.000You know, like, you hate that guy because of something that someone else did that's in his organization that he most likely has never met in his life.
00:54:36.000Imagine if some person did something fucked up in New York, and you're down in Florida, and you're like, you fucking piece of shit, and this guy's like, what are you talking about?
00:55:21.000Not only is that terrible that they're being called a murder, but imagine the feeling of knowing that that's the next generation and that's the type of things that they're being taught about police officers right now.
00:55:35.000I think that there's two ways I look at it.
00:55:37.000I think in one way I look at it that the police are necessary and that we need police because we have too much crime and we have too much violence.
00:55:44.000The way it is now is like they're our shield that protects us from...
00:55:52.000But another part of me looks at it and says that The dynamic of a person in control with ultimate lethal power and then everyone else around them is a bad dynamic.
00:56:05.000The dynamic in and of itself can create conflict.
00:56:09.000Because there's always going to be resistance to this idea of someone who lives amongst you, who has ultimate power over you, and who, if the chips go down the wrong way, they might shoot you and kill you.
00:56:51.000But in the back of your head, you fucking know that if things got ugly, they could shoot you.
00:56:56.000Like, if somehow or another you got in an altercation with them, you go towards them and you're in somehow or another way threatening or physical, they'll gun you down.
00:57:42.000And all of a sudden I'll be like turning down the radio and they're like, take your hand out of the middle there, put your hand on the steering wheel.
00:57:57.000It's really, it just takes over everything.
00:57:59.000Yeah, and imagine, you know, you pull someone over, and there's some Brock Lesnar-looking motherfucker sitting in the driver's seat, and he doesn't want to make eye contact to you, and says, what did I do wrong, officer?
00:58:46.000Man, you pull somebody over, even a woman.
00:58:47.000She could be some crazy bitch who just got done killing her entire family.
00:58:51.000And she's driving to her mom's house to kill her, too.
00:58:53.000Did you see the video that was released like two days ago from Boston of a guy recording his ex-girlfriend just breaking his windows, scratching his car.
00:59:04.000Then he goes outside to be like, look what she did.
01:01:46.000She got him arrested earlier, like previously, because he was at his brother's house or something, and She just said he was beating her up and the cops came and arrested him.
01:01:54.000Yeah, so she's been tormenting him for a long time.
01:02:11.000And fun fact, if you Google her name, Jamie, or his name, I don't know if you can find this, but they actually were a rap duo and they have rap videos together.
01:04:18.000I just sent you the music video of the two people, Jamie.
01:04:22.000Throwing money in a guy's face is a real, like, I mean, that's like the ultimate, like, hitting a man with a glove or whatever, like, starting a duel.
01:04:29.000That's the energy that he's put out to the world.
01:05:38.000What a thinly veiled attempt at humor.
01:05:44.000Farnsworth Bentley attends the 2003 MTV Music Video Awards.
01:05:49.000I've gotten to work and hang out with Snoop Dogg quite a bit, and he has an Asian guy who his only job, and he's the best at it, is rolling blunts.
01:06:03.000And he just rolls blunts, and he's just the best blunt roller, and it just comes up, and it's like, hey, this is, you know, I don't remember his name exactly, but it's like, this is blah, blah, blah, he's the blunt roller guy.
01:06:14.000And he just, and when you hit it, it just is like, you, it's like a rate laser coming at you.
01:06:20.000You know how the end of anything cherries up?
01:07:08.000Which is, uh, what a blunt is, for folks who are not aware, is they take a cigarette, um, or rather a cigar, and, uh, take the tobacco out and then put weed in and roll it up together.
01:07:21.000And, uh, I never had one until I hung out with Charlie Murphy and his cousin Rich.
01:09:19.000How is it, though, that Twitter, you're allowed to see buttholes, but Instagram, you can't even see nipples.
01:09:24.000Well, I think Twitter, because of the fact that you can see all that stuff, there's maybe more of a limit in as far as what kind of ads they'll get.
01:09:35.000Whereas, maybe Instagram, because they've been proactive in censoring people's material, censoring the images and stuff that you're allowed to put up, maybe they can sell more of those sponsored Instagram ads that way.
01:09:49.000They have a lot of those sponsored ads.
01:09:51.000You see them all the time now in your feed.
01:10:06.000Whereas an ad on TV is the most offensive.
01:10:08.000If you're watching The Walking Dead and they're about to get jacked by zombies and it fucking fades to black and it's, don't you want your car to shine like new?
01:10:37.000I remember when we were making the show The Burn a couple years ago on Comedy Central, a Jeff Ross show, and I wrote and produced it.
01:10:49.000It was the only show that I ever watched on TV because I was always doing stand-up and stuff, and I didn't even have a TV. This was like four or five years ago.
01:13:04.000But try getting people to pay for shit.
01:13:07.000Today, if they don't produce things like Game of Thrones, if they don't have specials like Whitney Cummings specials, if they don't have a lot of original content, Amy Schumer's last special, a lot of original content where people are going to seek it out specifically, big-time fights whenever they have big-time fights on HBO. If it's not that,
01:13:26.000it's hard getting people to pay today.
01:13:34.000I feel like it's hard for the middle of the country, I think, is making the transition now, but Netflix is up to over 75 million subscribers or something like that.
01:16:07.000I don't think he's asking for that, Brian.
01:16:11.000I just don't understand why you want to have a girl.
01:16:14.000Well, because he would probably start fucking her and she would interfere in his business and, you know, if she was hot especially and they're around each other all the time, at a certain point in time she'd start complaining about not getting any dick.
01:16:25.000Like, God, these guys, I don't know what's wrong.
01:16:27.000I mean, they just don't want to have sex with me.
01:16:43.000We're 20 years away from going over someone's house and they have a replicant.
01:16:47.000You're going to go over your buddy's house and he's going to have a Chinese lady with giant ridiculous tits and a waist that doesn't seem to be possible for the size of her tits and ass that's out of this world and she's going to be cleaning up and you're not going to be sure if she's real or not.
01:17:02.000You're going to be like, um, what's that?
01:17:07.000Is this a person or is that a replicant?
01:17:09.000And he'll pull you into the fucking kitchen, and he'll explain it to you.
01:17:12.000Do you think when we get close to that, that they're going to first just let them out into the world and try to fool everybody to see if they can do it?
01:19:23.000So she comes to the door, and yeah, oh, thank you, Mr. UPS driver.
01:19:27.000And the UPS driver takes a look down the hallway over her shoulder and sees all these guys just stroking it, staring out the window with glowing eyes.
01:20:34.000Well, think about all the negative aspects of people, right?
01:20:37.000Jealousy and anger and that lady fucking their homicidal rage smashing into that dude's car and then breaking all those windows.
01:20:44.000Think about all those negative aspects of being a person.
01:20:46.000Now think of all the positive aspects, all the great things that people can do when they're wonderful to you and they're nice and supportive and loving and friendly and caressing and affectionate.
01:21:25.000There's always been the manservant role in those television shows.
01:21:28.000I wonder if anybody's ever gone to P. Diddy's house and accidentally left the door open and Barnesworth was like, were you born in a Barnesworth?
01:22:12.000Getting a woman would have been better.
01:22:15.000Imagine also, like, switching of roles.
01:22:20.000What if, like, you were the really, really wealthy guy, and you had yourself a Barnesworth, and Barnesworth did a wonderful job, but Barnesworth had ambitions of his own, and Barnesworth left.
01:22:31.000And he left to start his own business, and that business was ultimately a gigantic success.
01:23:02.000So putting that shit on iTunes, now Barnesworth's worth hundreds of millions of dollars, and Barnesworth wants to hire you to be his butler.
01:23:44.000The few times that I've gotten to fly first class, I mean, just having somebody come up once in a while and be like, is there anything I can get for you?
01:26:07.000You know what's funny is last time I did a podcast with you we talked about puns and I defended puns and I said only people that can't make puns I've been getting,
01:26:24.000like, smashed in my Twitter mentions in a great way.
01:26:29.000Like, people send me, like, funny things that they thought of, and it's, like, my favorite thing.
01:26:34.000Now people are like, hey, this happened today, crazy pun, right?
01:26:37.000Like, blah, blah, blah, blah, and they send me the thing.
01:27:29.000You follow Tony from the outside where he's smoking in front of the headliner spot in the parking alley into the club and on stage and it never misses a beat.
01:29:13.000I fell in love with him the first time that I saw him.
01:29:16.000I was hosting that night and they were making some little promo video for the Comedy Store and it was the first time that I ever saw him on stage.
01:29:25.000And they asked me to interview, you know, just walk around and explain how potluck works because they wanted to make a little two-minute video for the comedy.
01:29:33.000So I think it's still on their website, actually.
01:29:36.000And I talked to him and I met him that night and I go, what do you do for work?
01:29:40.000He goes, I'm a manager at a McDonald's, like an hour outside of Los Angeles.
01:29:46.000I'm like, you have such an interesting look and you sound so funny.
01:35:41.000It was like Emperor Palpatine electricity out of nowhere and you're just like...
01:35:48.000Oh my god 31 years this guy's been my dad and I've never gotten a look of like he stopped and looked at me Confused and sort of like turned his head like a dog.
01:36:18.000No, he waited until he got back and then did it the day he got back.
01:36:21.000Well, nobody out of all the years, out of everything, it's been, you know, it was like five or six years of vegetarianism, veganism, but I eat fish, so it's like pescatarian, but I don't eat dairy, so it's weird.
01:36:32.000Anyway, nobody's busted my balls more about it than Brian Redband here and our very good friend Pete, because I hang out with them all the time.
01:36:41.000And so something happened, and I just sort of like, after the few days of being back and being like, I wonder how good my dad's...
01:36:49.000I mean, the seafood pasta that he made for me was the most mind-bending seafood pasta I've ever had in my life, but there was something about the look that he gave me.
01:36:57.000In which it's like, do you have any idea what you're missing out on, you fucking idiot?
01:37:00.000I'll make you the seafood pasta shirt.
01:38:07.000And some people, when you take too much of it, it gives you kind of like a puffy look because you'll retain like a little bit more water, apparently.
01:38:15.000I don't want to talk out of school, but it's definitely been shown to be beneficial for gaining muscle.
01:40:51.000Those things, they have a similar effect to Viagra and Cialis.
01:40:56.000They have a similar effect in being like, somehow or another, it aids the blood flow or it stimulates the blood flow.
01:41:05.000A lot of those same drugs are banned in the Olympics, like Viagra and Cialis is banned in the Olympics because it's actually a performance-enhancing supplement.
01:41:15.000Not that they judge you when you're fucking, but that your muscles...
01:41:18.000The reason why your dick gets harder, everything gets bigger.
01:41:45.000Taking Salis and Viagra sucks when you're working out, though, because you can't control it when you're on the treadmill and stuff, so you just have crazy boners and all these guys.
01:42:23.000There's this stuff called synth oil that some crazy people shoot into their bodies to make it look like they have giant muscles.
01:42:30.000But they don't really have giant muscles.
01:42:32.000They have these oil-swollen limbs that don't look real.
01:42:36.000So it looks like they have fake boobs on their arms, fake boobs on their shoulders, fake boobs on their boobs.
01:42:41.000There's a weirdness to it, where you can tell that the guy's not really strong, but he has these crazy, fake, giant arms that don't look real at all, and giant traps.
01:42:51.000Like, there's this one, like, look at this guy.
01:44:10.000Oh yeah, body dysmorphia is 100% real.
01:44:12.000People's, their mind gets warped and they just decide, I'm not skinny enough, and they just keep starving themselves, so there's nothing left.
01:44:18.000That happens with people that get all kinds of crazy shit done to them.
01:44:38.000I'm like, I don't want to watch this kid having a great time, having all this talent, and then turn into a junkie and fall apart and an alcoholic.
01:45:28.000Like, I don't know, 10, 11 or 12. And they're all singing Happy Birthday, and then she keeps going on this solo, and you're like, oh my gosh, already totally a star.
01:45:38.000She has that Amy Winehouse fucking voice that just kills.
01:45:43.000No, I love it also, the documentary, because she was amazing.
01:45:47.000She just had pipes, and she has that cool old bluesy fucking big band feel that just gets me pumped up.
01:49:35.000Well, heroin has some sort of connection to like this deep moody pain that a lot of blues singers and a lot of jazz musicians and a lot of rock and roll stars figured out a way to tap into and find some I think?
01:51:17.000You also see that she had this amazing voice her whole growing up and she wanted to be a musician and she was doing good and she was doing good and good and good and good and then she started heroin.
01:51:30.000And then it's like, immediately, you know, even the documentary shows, and it's like, alright, and she started doing heroin, all of a sudden it goes from these tiny little jazz clubs to, like, amphitheaters to whole new songs, you know, Rehab, the album Back to Black or Back in Black, which is just all hits,
01:53:37.000And that's what's incredible is that that always blows my mind is that's how it ends up happening when we take our little, like, the holiday that Ari Shaffir started Shroomfest.
01:53:47.000So once a year we go out there in the middle of the beautiful desert.
01:53:50.000You wait until the moon's at its brightest of the year, the supermoon.
01:53:54.000And it's always incredible how quiet and beautiful it gets.
01:54:28.000And if you use the right intention, if you have the right ideas going into it, and if you can handle it, you can get some wild thoughts out of it.
01:55:16.000You get to see the past, you get to see the present, you get to see it all combined together in some strange light of this otherworldly intelligence, this weird, like, overwhelmingly powerful new thought process that's going on in your head, where you're just overwhelmed and you're seeing things and the visualizations when you close your eyes are spectacular.
01:56:00.000They did one on people that are dying.
01:56:02.000They gave them psilocybin and significantly alleviated their stress levels.
01:56:08.000And then they did another one on people.
01:56:11.000The John Hopkins one was they had these people do a psychedelic experiment, psychedelic experience, and then like over a decade later, they were still saying that the quality of their life significantly changed after that experience.
01:56:39.000But I think that law enforcement and a lot of people that control laws and have laws in place, they're very reluctant to give up a law or to admit that all the arrests that they made were unjust.
01:56:50.000Because it opens up this giant box of shit, you know, like looking at all these people that are in jail for nonviolent drug crimes.
01:57:21.000And the premise is that, like, you know, he was in prison for all those years, so maybe he did do this, and if he did do this, he did it because he learned these bad ways in prison.
01:57:33.000Which brings it back to the jug people, is it's like they might go in being a pot dealer and come out being a rapist murder because they jerked off for months to their bunkmate's fantasy that he told them, oh yeah, I tied this bitch up and it was the most fun.
01:57:48.000And they're like, wow, that sounds interesting.
01:57:50.000And they get out and just start doing crazy stuff like that.
01:58:25.000And then you hear about things like that guy in Pennsylvania, that judge, that was sending these kids to juvenile detention, sending these kids up the river for like nothing because he was getting paid for it.
01:58:45.000He was being paid off to continue to supply them with prisoners.
01:58:48.000So he was taking these kids and just...
01:58:51.000Ruining their lives like ruined countless people's lives took people for minor offenses.
01:58:56.000They should have never done time They're just kids and just locked them up and fucked them over and then kept them trapped and imagine how terrified you'd be your 15 16 year old kid and you do some normal kid shit and all sudden you get railroaded through this justice system and this guy who's corrupt Sends you to a detention to get you away from your parents and all sudden you're locked up in some fucking juvenile center somewhere with a bunch of real legit criminals Fuck man.
02:00:04.000I think you put them in a stormtrooper type of setup and just make them a soldier and ship them around the country and program them to only be able to do certain things.
02:01:38.000If someone came along, what if someone was in a motorcycle accident and they were essentially brain dead and some doctors came along and said that they have the ability to turn this guy into a soldier robot and he could go fight for his country?
02:01:52.000Like, your brother's dead, Tony, but we can keep him alive and have him go defend his country.
02:01:59.000We're gonna send him over to Afghanistan.
02:02:02.000I mean, hey, might as well better there than buried, right?
02:07:30.000Yeah, I just did the fighter and the kid and it actually came up that like, they're like, you know, are you doing all new stuff now?
02:07:36.000And I talked about how, you know, working with you being, you're one of the few guys in the whole game that also, you know, I mean like generates, not also, you're one of the few comedians that has like a new hour a year.
02:09:33.000I love like that feeling of like, you know, like being a quarterback and you feel like that linebacker coming, but you still have to get rid of the ball.
02:09:40.000You have to just stay calm and deliver.
02:09:42.000And I think part of the reason why I did it all in one shot is because I knew that if something, which it didn't at all, and I didn't end up doing any crowd work, and I sort of was half planning, like I was towing the line right before I went on, like, you know, you know,
02:10:00.000I knew that I only had one show, which is rare in itself when shooting a special, to only have one show and one audience and one camera.
02:10:09.000And I was ready to do crowd work, but I just sort of, you'll see in like the first 15 seconds, I just sort of like, you know, just saying hello.
02:10:24.000Yeah, I ended up just on material, and it sort of stayed on track.
02:10:27.000There was a part where, I don't know, 35-40 minutes in or something, my throat goes completely dry, which never happens, but I was sort of choked up a little bit, and I take a sip of my water that's sitting there, and I go, most comedians take a sip of their drink when they're getting a huge applause break.
02:11:20.000I mean, naturally, you know, after doing that, I mean, there's always like, you know, things that change or different.
02:11:28.000Like, for example, like I close with, you know, even in March, I had a different version of the Cosby thing that I do now, but a totally different joke entirely.
02:11:45.000It was, because my Cosby joke now has everything to do with how he admitted to giving girls quaaludes in order to rape them.
02:11:52.000And the Cosby joke that's on one shot just covers the fact that, like, basically it's all these little white girls that hooked up with a rich black man for the first time, and they just felt dizzy because his dick was so good.
02:12:51.000I mean, and then had to wear your pants for like a long period of time.
02:12:54.000I pissed in a car once in a Mountain Dew bottle or something like that, like whatever I had, like some sort of a soda bottle, and got pissed all over my fucking hands.
02:13:02.000Oh yeah, it's really hard to do because you don't realize that you need to have enough extra air.
02:13:08.000Like, around it, or else it just sprays back at you.
02:13:16.000But, like, other ones, you have to also use two hands, because you want to hold your dick over the hole, and you want to hold the bottle, and you can't do that while you're driving, so you're trying to, like...
02:13:25.000Get your dick in between your two fingers and then use like your ring finger and your thumb to kind of hold the bottle while you're squeezing your dick through.
02:14:01.000If you're just one of those fucking weirdos that picks up bottles on the floor of your car and just starts drinking warm liquid, then you can fuck up.
02:14:09.000I used to know this guy who would take a Mountain Dew bottle, Mountain Dew or ginger ale, one of those green plastic bottles, and he would fill it up with booze, and he would drink it all day long.
02:14:19.000He was like a serious, serious alcoholic that I worked with on this construction site when I was a kid.
02:14:28.000It scared me watching him, because this guy who would just drink this stuff all day, and it was only a day or two into the job that I realized that it was booze, talking to people.
02:14:59.000It was foggy, to remember, because I was a teenager.
02:15:01.000But I'm pretty sure the guy who was renovating the house also owned it and was fixing it up.
02:15:05.000And so this guy was living in it at the time, when it was like gutted out, just raw wood, no insulation, some windows are missing, and just some of the floor was missing.
02:15:14.000And this guy would just get wasted all day, just drink, and shake.
02:17:49.000Three months sober, which if you would have told me three months ago that he'd actually stopped drinking, you know, I would have said that's very hard to do.
02:17:57.000I wonder if mushrooms were legal and if they had real treatment centers, how many people would be cured of diseases like that?
02:18:03.000I want to say diseases, addictions like that.
02:18:05.000How many people would be cured of a lot of different things that they've been struggling with psychologically?
02:18:12.000We use Ibogaine here in America, which is super effective in Mexico and a lot of other countries where it's legal, where they use it for treatment for addictive diseases.
02:18:20.000It's supposed to be incredible for kicking people off of pills and opiates.
02:18:25.000It literally reprograms your addictive tendencies in your system somehow.
02:18:32.000Well, they said that too about PTSD for soldiers, that Molly's giant for that.
02:18:37.000The government paid for tests on psilocybin at Carnegie or Harvard or Cornell or some stuff, and they kept finding that it cured chronic depression on people that they had given up and just said, it's for life.
02:18:50.000You're going to be depressed for life.
02:19:28.000Remember how I used to use that when I had my nose operation?
02:19:30.000When I had my nose chewed open, I had a really bad scar tissue inside my nose, and I had a deviated septum, and a lot of the scar tissue was like, it comes calcified, because if you've been hitting the nose a few times, if it bleeds inside your nose, it's like cauliflower ear, but inside your nose.
02:19:46.000So they cut away all this different tissue and opened up this passage, and then to clean it, I used to use a water pick.
02:19:52.000So I'd squirt the water pick up one nostril, and it would be pouring out the other nostril, and I would blow out these fucking titanic boogers.
02:20:00.000They looked like they were from another planet.
02:20:02.000They were giant, covered in blood, and they were like the size of a thumb.
02:20:06.000Like they would come out and I would treasure them.
02:20:08.000I'd be like, I want everybody to see this.
02:20:10.000It was like your dick pic back in the day.
02:20:29.000Open it up and it's like just it's like rubber cement glue So like as you pull the pages aside the booger was so big that it just didn't seem like it come out of a human didn't make any sense and he's Immediately if you have to get that done though folks if you find a good doctor I know some people have had bad experiences with a doctor that didn't really know what they're doing That was a life-changer for me to get my nose cleaned up so I could breathe A neti pot.
02:20:58.000I mean, you know, you gotta do it, right?
02:20:59.000You gotta make sure you put the packet in and use distilled water and warm it up.
02:21:03.000But, I mean, it's one of those things to where when I do it, I'm like, ooh, tonight's gonna be a good night.
02:21:08.000Yeah, but if you have a broken nose, that's still not gonna work.
02:22:18.000So that's one person deciding that in 500 people that I'm sure a giant percentage of them are laughing, because I know the bit's hilarious.
02:23:59.000When it came out, maybe a minute or two before that, it was a little larger.
02:24:04.000When you had that crazy shit the other day and you're like pushing your kids out of your way and everything, do you remember what you ate or what caused that?
02:27:36.000If you don't know what it is, there's Fogo de Chal, Texas de Brazil, those are the chains, but there's a bunch of independent chuhascarias.
02:27:43.000In a Brazilian-style barbecue, what it is is you have a chip, and one side is green and the other side is red.
02:27:48.000And when it's green, they come over with these trays of meats, like sausages and chicken wrapped in bacon and filet mignon and picanha, which is like top sirloin, which is like the best one.
02:28:47.000And it's unlike, like, a regular steak where they come over and they slice pieces on the outside and they put them on your plate, and then they go back to cooking it again.
02:29:25.000I go, no, I just think Brian was so unhealthy that literally, if he doesn't poison himself for a few hours, you start to turn into Tom Hardy or something.
02:33:30.000And a lot of cool guest appearances in it, like Joey Diaz brings me on stage, and Brian Redband, I high-five because he goes in and goes up after me while check drop happens and stuff, because it was a real show.
02:36:16.000He was always, like, ramping up, becoming more and more famous every year.
02:36:19.000But once his Netflix special came out, and it was probably his best special to date, he just smashed it and then became a guy who sold out Madison Square Garden.
02:37:39.000They have little games that they play.
02:37:41.000When Brian and I do the road, when we go to ones that we drive to, like if it's a San Diego or a Phoenix or a San Fran or a Sacramento, which is the majority of the places that we do go, it's the only podcast that we listen to.
02:38:43.000We're so lucky that something like Netflix exists.
02:38:45.000Because if you do a special on anything else, like say if you do an HBO special, they air it whenever they air it.
02:38:51.000You know, they might air it once, they might air it twice, they might air it a few other times, they might air it randomly at 3 o'clock in the morning on some special night.
02:39:13.000Screen when they turn theirs on based on what they watched and if they liked it and if they rated it and even if you don't rate things It still knows you that their algorithm is like world world world class.
02:39:25.000So the more that People would like you the closer you're gonna get to their front page.
02:39:31.000So yeah, you know though I didn't know this the ratings on Netflix movies like if it says like four stars or whatever That's not actually the rating or the movie.
02:39:40.000It's what they think you would say the rating is and What?
02:39:43.000Yeah, so there was one movie I watched the other day, and I was like, how is it half a star?
02:39:46.000That movie sucks so bad, but really, it has a half a star?
02:39:49.000And I was like, oh, wait, if you look at somebody else's, it would be like three stars.
02:40:02.000A star system should be kind of like what people think.
02:40:05.000Maybe they wanted to get that to avoid a disgruntled person giving it really bad reviews under a bunch of different fake names or the opposite.
02:41:03.000The algorithms that someone like iTunes has, they're easier to manipulate because they're based on downloads, they're based on comments, and they're based on new people.
02:41:12.000So if you just have a bunch of new people sign up and then they leave a comment and they download it, it'll jump you up in the rankings.
02:41:21.000But I guess you can only sign up for iTunes so many times though, right?
02:41:25.000So that's probably how they avoid it, right?
02:41:28.000And it has your public name on there, so it's like, even if you use your account, you don't want to be like, this sucks, and then have your real name on there.