On this episode of the podcast, the boys are joined by comedian and friend of the show, Brian Hynes. The boys talk about Ari's butthole, Asbestos, and the weirdest things Brian has ever done in his life. Also, Brian talks about how he got into comedy, and what it's like to be a professional gambler. Enjoy the episode, and don't forget to subscribe on your favorite streaming platform so you never miss an episode. You can also join the conversation by using the hashtag and on social media, and find Brian online here: Brian also has his own podcast, called which is a podcast where he talks about anything and everything. If you don't know who Brian is, then you're in for a treat. Brian is a comedian, writer, podcaster, and podcaster. He's been around for a long time and is a great friend of mine, and I think you're going to love him. We talk about a lot of random stuff. I hope you enjoy this episode, it's pretty light hearted and fun, and it's a good listen. Thank you Brian for being on the pod. XOXO, Brian - xoxo - Brian Hanes (Music: "Don't Say Don't Say That" - "A Little Late" (feat. Brian) (Jeff Perla) . (Produced by Brian H. ( ) Music: "Instrumental: "Hollywood" (Feat. (featuring Brian H.) ( ) (Solo: ) (Sonic) (Singer: "Ace ( ) and "Peechie) ( ) "Podcast: "I'm Not That" ( ) & "Fucking Good Enough ( )" ( & "PODCAST: "Breezy" (Cuz I'm Yours Truly ( )( ) ( ) - "I Don't Have a Good Idea" ( ), , "I'll Tell You What's Good" (?) (Fucking Don't Know It's Good ( ) , (Benni ( ) ) ( ( ) ( ), "I Can't Have It Better Than That ( ) . " ( ) is a song written and produced by Brian tells you what he's Working On It ( )
00:00:16.000Yeah, but Chaley does my website and uses Squarespace, so he can actually tell the shit that it does.
00:00:23.000Well, Red Band's made, like, no bullshit, like a dozen or more websites during the time in which it took to do a Squarespace commercial.
00:00:31.000He would just slap together a bunch of pictures, call it Ari's Butthole, and put it up online in, like, 30 seconds, and I'm not bullshitting.
00:01:15.000And I have no idea what it was, but I do buy nice sheets because I sleep a lot.
00:01:20.000So they go, they're going to send you a free set of these luxurious sheets, and I go, these are $300 sheets that are shittier than the $59 ones I bought from some AAA promotion on an email spam blast.
00:04:21.000It's a de facto open mic, where otherwise I'd just be watching fucking Netflix all the time, so I have to at least do something artistically, creatively.
00:08:48.000The saddest part is, it's men or women, but I notice the women who just, they had kids when they were 18, and they married some fucking dentist, and now they're pushing 40, and the kid's in college, and they get divorced,
00:09:03.000and they're gonna go out on the town, and we're gonna have fun tonight!
00:09:07.000And they just stand out like they're trying to dance when no one else is dancing on the dance floor.
00:10:07.000Well, he died in a drunk driving accident, and he wasn't even drunk.
00:10:10.000Yeah, he was sober, but where that was acceptable, and then it became unacceptable.
00:10:15.000So I can name me and Ron White as the two comics of any tenure that still actually drink heavily and smokes cigarettes, he smokes cigars, whatever.
00:14:15.000Sometimes you just meet a funny guy that, like, fucking works in the kitchen, and he has great lines, and you forget where you got him from, and then all of a sudden you're like, you're all going, hey now, or, you know, hey there, or, you know, whatever this one guy does.
00:16:00.000I just get the fucking robots now, and what I get now, I don't know if anyone else gets this, they mimic your own phone number, so it will have my same...
00:16:10.000Area code and prefix, and then just screw up the last four numbers a little bit.
00:16:17.000I assume the psychology is you recognize that phone number and then answer it, and then you go, oh fuck, that's my phone number, and now you're listening to a bot call.
00:17:45.000Like, the normal input's just not there.
00:17:47.000Like, usually it's you and the wife, you and the husband, you and the, you know, and then it's gone, and they're like, where's that thing that's part of my life?
00:21:04.000When someone dies, people say, and he was such a sweet man and a nice man, and my dad, even to this day when I was writing this book about my mother, Oh, your father was the sweetest person ever.
00:21:50.000And there's a lot of things in the book that sound like bullshit, and I just sound like I got laid for the first time when I was nine years old.
00:22:00.000Before you could cum and That sounds awesome.
00:22:03.000But that's on that episode, where the episode was me and you, and we had cards.
00:25:59.000Where I've taken Vicodin, it did nothing.
00:26:01.000Even when I had one surgery in my adult life, it was an umbilical hernia, and they gave it to me as a painkiller, and I didn't feel any pain, but I didn't feel any high.
00:26:12.000And I'm like, maybe this just doesn't hurt.
00:26:14.000Well, I had a buddy that got into Vicodin for writing.
00:26:43.000I'll write some shit down when I'm drunk ideas, and then sober me will have to go back and clean them up.
00:26:50.000At best, I can remember the premise, and now I have to make this good.
00:26:58.000There's drugs that are good for stage, cocaine, which I'm not a regular user of, but I've had shows where I'm just tired of saying this shit and do a bump before stage.
00:27:11.000It's great for stage, but for writing, nothing other than fear and coffee.
00:27:16.000Joey Diaz says that coke was terrible for him for the stage.
00:27:20.000Joey said that coke would make him lock up.
00:27:22.000It would make him feel evil and make him feel greedy.
00:30:52.000If we were all hammered, if I knew we were fucked up, so she's leaving a bar, and she's fucked up, and her friends don't pay attention, she just curls up on the ground and dies?
00:31:00.000Well, there's more to her personal story, but I'm using that as an extreme example of when you see chicks waiting in line at a bar, like Chilcoo Charlie's in Alaska, and there's a line around the block at midnight in the winter,
00:31:16.000and it's freezing, but they're all dressed up horrishly in fishnets and whatever, because they'd rather be in agony than look bad.
00:31:27.000If you're a girl with a hot body, and you have fishnets on, and you walk into a bar and you have black leather shorts and fishnets and high heels, and you have a nice ass and great legs, you are a queen.
00:34:36.000Yeah, but if you have a huge dick to compensate for the ball sack, then it kind of looks all proportionate.
00:34:42.000I have a small dick with hanging balls where one hangs way lower than the other, and I would never do some kind of Annie Leibovitz fucking photo spread going, you know what?
00:37:08.000My opinion of what she's doing is what I hope you fell into that I fell into when we were at that same age where we both started getting compared to Bill Hicks and getting too much fucking...
00:37:26.000I think she's so big that she feels like she is the voice for all females, because they're telling her she is, and she's probably overcompensating on some level.
00:37:38.000Well, she's probably overwhelmed by the G-force of fame.
00:37:42.000I mean, the G-force of fame that she's experienced, and she experienced it really quickly.
00:38:57.000Parking issue so they're moving to a new location, but they took apart the old place and saved pieces of the stage and saved pieces of the green room and the green room had like shitty fake wood paneling and on that would actually actually be wood it might be real wood paneling but anyway on it it said so he doesn't get sued no no because I'm gonna have it here Yeah,
00:40:02.000Well, they've kind of branched out into their own, which is what happens, man.
00:40:06.000It's like, in the beginning, what's awkward is that we're watching it.
00:40:11.000But we all kind of went through, like, I had a bad Richard Jennings period, man, where I was on stage, and I realized I was, you know, it was like open mic level one year in, and I was on stage, and myself, I was like, oh my god, I'm definitely stealing the way Richard Jennings talks.
00:41:31.000His jokes, a lot of them were reality-based, even though that's probably why he hated the Stephen Wright comparison, where he was saying real shit.
00:41:43.000He really did give free bread to a duck at Subway.
00:41:48.000These things actually happened, and he wrote it in a way that was hilarious.
00:41:52.000You were with him, sorry, when he wrote the joke about the tennis game.
00:42:53.000I have this 30 minute VHS he made me from like 1993 that he shot while we were on the road doing like Montana run triple gigs and Vancouver and he just shot and edited back in VHS days.
00:46:48.000The place we play, Brian's never been there.
00:46:52.000That's why he keeps booking me back there.
00:46:55.000It's the rickshaw, and it's in the heroin district, which might as well be wherever all the fucking Syrian refugees go now.
00:47:05.000If you've ever seen a full street flea market...
00:47:11.000That's homeless people, like, every single inch of the entire street across the street from that gig is homeless tents, and you think, oh, is this an open-air market?
00:48:36.000That was 1994. But you thought it was $50.
00:48:37.000There has to be a girl out there that was working for $50.
00:48:41.000Did you ever drive through Utah and you go through a drive-through in St. George and there's this perfect platinum blonde 19-year-old working the drive-through and you go, what the fuck are you doing here?
00:48:53.000Well, because they all look that good.
00:51:00.000And they have a tour, just like the Vatican would, and you can tour the Tabernacle.
00:51:04.000And he just kept asking about the Mormon Meadows Massacre in, I think it was 1857. I know it was 9-11, where they murdered, the Mormons murdered all these people.
00:54:24.000Well, you can't even blame David Koresh.
00:54:26.000If David Koresh got into a situation where he had a bunch of people and he made them all have their wives sleep with them, like, that's fucking his con.
00:54:34.000If you stop calling it a cult and start calling it a fan base, all of a sudden you're living the free-market American dream.
00:56:43.000People don't want to fend for themselves.
00:56:46.000I think we're gonna have to come up with, in our lifetime, people are gonna realize that there's a lot of things that are just in place that we were born with, and the people that set them up, they just did not have access to the information that they needed to form those decisions.
00:57:02.000Like, the reason why they started off the Electoral College and all the bullshit that we have to contend with today is because it made sense in 1776. It made sense.
00:57:12.000They were just trying to piece together this thing, but to stick with that, To stick with that today.
00:57:16.000Every time someone says, you know what, in the Constitution it says, well, you know what, if you can make a better constitution, make it.
00:57:24.000If you can make, if that's, you gotta progress.
00:57:27.000I think there's a bunch of things we have to agree on if we want to call ourselves America.
00:57:31.000Because otherwise, we become some, like, you know, we become like a fucking...
00:57:38.000Become like the man show with you and I versus the man show with Adam and Jimmy.
00:57:42.000You become something different with the same name.
00:57:45.000It's like, what is this fucking thing?
00:58:40.000Sometimes better than you porn is looking up hookers you could actually get and then jerking off knowing, you know what, for 800 bucks I could get her, but I'd have to wait 35 minutes.
00:58:50.000If you really think the girl in that photo is actually going to come to your door, they should take your credit card and sell it to India.
00:58:59.000Whatever they do to your credit card, when you fucking call and leave that Visa card for the deposit, they got you.
00:59:06.000I love that people actually buy credit card protection without knowing that, you know what, if you didn't sign for it, it's the credit card that's eating it, not you.
00:59:15.000Where I went to the Bahamas once and came back and there was a charge for $7,000 plus for porcelain tile.
00:59:25.000Yeah, that's what I do when I'm on vacation.
01:00:13.000Well, the thing, what's happened with technology is technology is bringing people and ideas closer together quicker.
01:00:20.000Like, if you have an idea, you tweet it, a fucking hundred thousand people might get a hold of that idea within a couple of seconds, right?
01:01:57.000It's the negative people that are the problem.
01:01:59.000We're global warming, and yeah, shit's going to go underwater, and it's not going to be the Maldives anymore, but it's going to be warmer in Wisconsin and...
01:02:37.000Hey, drinkers out there, if you're going to bring your own booze and pour it into a Canada Dry Club soda bottle and you're mixing it with club soda, make sure you realize which club soda is vodka.
01:02:49.000I just poured a whole fuckload of vodka in this, thinking it was a This shit could get real.
01:06:09.000Isn't there like a conflict in the porn industry where the porn people aren't getting paid for those movies and they put them up for free and so like people shouldn't be supporting like those sites like there's like a there's like a dispute and a debate almost like the Napster days when what's his face from Metallica would get really mad.
01:06:49.000He was there, and I said, I always swore if that fucking Lars guy was here, and you're close enough, but I'm not gonna throw you out, and I just started giving him shit about...
01:06:56.000I was, like, the first comic on Napster, like, they had a homepage where...
01:07:03.000They'd feature an artist right before they shut him down.
01:07:08.000And that was the first comic feature when people first started finding my shit underground and then they shut it down because of that fucking Lars cunt.
01:07:17.000And they made their bones off of people bootlegging cassette tapes of them because they couldn't get radio play.
01:07:25.000You're shitting on what made you, you fucking little Weasley.
01:08:15.000No, but I'm saying you put out like 48 podcasts a week and then you wrestle guys and then you do MMA and then you do 85 hours of stand-up and then...
01:09:14.000So all my life I've wanted to get to a place where I could go to bed when I wanted to go to bed, within reason, and wake up whenever I want to wake up.
01:09:21.000So then if I decide to get up early, because I have to see my kids at school...
01:12:05.000If somebody put a baby on the side of a Toyota Tundra and just drove a few hundred miles on the road and just left that baby there for an hour and those peccaries, that's what they are.
01:13:50.000I hate Burger King, and I told the Uber driver, I go, listen, I tweeted, I go, I'm afraid to be early because this is a weird, empty, industrial lot.
01:14:02.000That I don't want to be sitting out in front of, cold, and waiting for you to show up.
01:14:06.000And I don't want to be late, because you don't want to be late.
01:14:09.000But I wanted to eat, so I told the Uber driver, we're going to be early, so we'll find some fast food, I'll tip you extra.
01:14:17.000There's a fucking In-N-Out burger on the way up here.
01:14:19.000Well, on the exit, there's nothing but this fucking industrial area.
01:14:24.000This is an In-N-Out burger a mile away.
01:15:26.000They have a limited breakfast menu, but today on Newser, McDonald's soaring because they brought breakfast all day.
01:15:35.000And if you know my body of work, one of my biggest beefs ever is no breakfast after 11. Because as comics, we're not usually up before 11. And I like breakfast.
01:17:18.000You always have this conversation with me where you're like, how many fucking surgeries do you have?
01:17:22.000Yeah, when you were just talking today about the fucking thing they did to your knee and putting plates and screws and drilling shit into your knee.
01:17:29.000Well, we're talking about morphine, right?
01:17:31.000Well, you had to go through that to get to morphine.
01:19:21.000I had a deviated septum, and I also had a bunch of blood that had pooled up inside the walls of my nose and become calcified, like a cauliflower ear.
01:20:47.000So if these guys get a surgery, like a, you know, Achilles tendon or some shit like that, the difference between recovery when you do steroids and recovery on the natch, fucking giant difference.
01:21:00.000They're not taking this stuff just for performance.
01:21:03.000They're also taking this stuff for recovery.
01:21:05.000It's in, in my opinion, I mean, done correctly, you should allow all athletes to do that, whether it's martial artists, whether it's anybody.
01:21:13.000The problem is, if you're talking about a knee surgery, The real problem is you can get gains from that that will be permanent.
01:21:21.000There's a certain percentage of those gains.
01:21:24.000Gains meaning you gain speed, explosiveness, just from taking these steroids while you're going through rehabilitation because of surgery.
01:22:06.000For me, personally, we talked about I do too many things or I do a lot of different things.
01:22:10.000One of the things that it seems like I have to do in order to stay...
01:22:14.000Even is that I have to do a lot of physical activity.
01:22:18.000If I don't do a lot of physical activity, whether it's like anything, I could go hiking, I could work out, I could do something, but if I don't push my body and drain some energy out, then I don't feel my best.
01:25:31.000So when you keep tweeting me, don't die on us, man.
01:25:35.000I know I live an unhealthy lifestyle as far as we know, but I'm enjoying it.
01:25:42.000So until you're a fucking doctor who's prescient better than the doctors who said J. Edgar Hoover's mother should be more robust from smoking cigarettes...
01:25:54.000If I was a scientist or a doctor who was trying to study people that are healthy and happy and why, I would study you because I would be like, well, here's this guy that's doing whatever the fuck he wants to do.
01:26:04.000He's smoking, he's drinking, but he appears relatively healthy in comparison to a lot of other people that are not doing those things but are working full-time...
01:26:14.000Solless, thankless jobs, and they're the same age.
01:26:18.000Like, if I followed your happiness meter, like if it was a scorecard, and it was like a fucking college basketball game, and I could look at the happiness meter, you would be a dominating victory.
01:26:29.000Over the 9 to 5. Over the normal 47-year-old guy.
01:26:33.000I'm not saying it doesn't have its downfalls.
01:26:35.000I wake up in sheer terror and I wake up...
01:26:38.000Even when I'm home, I go, I gotta get the fuck out of here.
01:26:41.000And I go right to Delta.com and see what the next flight...
01:26:44.000And then I chill out and then I... Ease back in.
01:27:20.000Could have happened in a car accident when you're five.
01:27:23.000Could have happened to a lot of people in car accidents when they're five.
01:27:25.000But it's guys like you that make me feel like shit about just sitting and watching Netflix for four straight days not getting up other than to piss or get a snack.
01:28:25.000If I shot a hundred arrows a day, I would be thinking, why am I not doing more with my life?
01:28:32.000Like no matter what you do, I think I should be doing something other people that I respect are doing, but you do what you do and I just I can't get comfortable with just doing what I do no matter what it is.
01:28:45.000I see someone else who does something I can't do and Well, I can't do that.
01:30:29.000But if you want to try to achieve something, like if you want to try...
01:30:34.000If you have a Netflix special that you're going to film in six months, and you decide, I am going to piece together a perspective, and I'm going to try to get this material, and I'm going to try to take it on the road, but I'm going to need to have some life experiences.
01:30:45.000So, I'm going to need to go to the Museum of Creationism that's in Kentucky.
01:30:50.000I'm going to go there, I'm going to fucking sit down, I'm going to talk to the people, I'm going to gather some information.
01:30:54.000If you have some shit that you want to do, then you have some shit that you need to do in order to accomplish the thing that you want to do.
01:31:05.000And that's the beautiful thing about what you're doing, what I've been able to do.
01:31:09.000Many people that are listening to this that are self-employed or they're artists or that are trying to do that, that's the ultimate goal, is to do what you're doing.
01:31:17.000It's deciphering between what you have to do for you versus what...
01:31:23.000You think you have to do for other people or to live up to the fans or to whatever.
01:31:29.000What do I actually have to do versus what I think I'm supposed to do?
01:32:25.000I guarantee you Tom Cruise answers his own fucking cell phone.
01:32:28.000There's a few people that just, they have someone who does everything for them.
01:32:31.000And essentially they become like mommy.
01:32:34.000And then it allows you to focus entirely on your task at hand, which is to feed this machine that you've created of employees and fucking hairdressers and all these different people that follow you that you have to carry around with you.
01:32:51.000As soon as you need another person to figure out fucking where you're going and what you're doing and show you what your calendar is, you fucked up.
01:33:30.000A lot of times people get famous, and they get successful, and they get wealthy, and then they start thinking, I just gotta fucking keep this going.
01:34:09.000But once you became a full multi-celled organism, when you became an actual guy who was trying to put together an act, what was the ultimate goal?
01:38:21.000I have three people when I'm trying to rush out and I'm like, I'm such a fucking dick.
01:38:26.000I try to run out the back door like Hedberg used to do.
01:38:30.000Hedberg was legendary on a one-nighter with a hundred people, not asking for autographs because he's not famous, but he couldn't even deal with people giving him feedback.
01:38:45.000It's definitely an issue if you really are worried about that, if you're thinking about feedback, or if you're just worried about interacting with these people.
01:42:34.000He'd have a fucking big bag of coke with some crazy girl and he'd be holed up and he'd never make it to a show.
01:42:39.000So I didn't want to not use Joey anymore.
01:42:41.000So I started bringing Ari on the road with me, other guys on the road with me as well.
01:42:46.000So if Joey didn't show up, at least I had like one opening act.
01:42:50.000I got booked at Uncle Funnies in Davie, Florida with Otto and George because he had such a reputation of not showing up for shows because he was a crack addict.
01:43:01.000That they build it as a XXX show so they would co-headline us in case he went on a crack binge, I could cover the time because we're both of an ilk of XXX. Yeah, you'd fit right in there.
01:46:38.000He's asking a bunch of weird fucking questions.
01:46:40.000He's real speedy and fucked and he's smoking and When I went to pump gas someone had done some fucking sneaky trick where You know you press like what gauge do you want you press the button you pull the thing out they had left it already pulled back and And locked in place.
01:46:58.000So when I pulled it out, it started spraying gasoline.
01:48:36.000Like, there's one of two things that's gonna happen.
01:48:38.000Either I'm gonna jump out of the way, and he's gonna light this whole fucking place on fire, and I might get to the road, I might get to Laurel Canyon before the fucking gigantic explosion hits, and all these fucking houses go up in flames, and And that's how it happens.
01:48:53.000One stupid fucking asshole looking at me.
01:48:57.000I didn't finger you when you were six.
01:48:58.000I don't have any idea what happened to you that got you to this position.
01:49:01.000But here you are, fucked up on something, looking at me, and you're holding a cigarette over where the gasoline spilled on the ground because the guy in the fucking speaker booth has chosen to pick on you.
01:49:57.000I have irrational fears of things blowing up, including balloons.
01:50:02.000I left at Perkins once because there was a girl doing balloon animals on a Sunday morning for kids and just stuff popping and blowing up creeps me out.
01:50:26.000I didn't quite turn down yet, but I told Chaley, do research, because I've read five or six stories about people having e-cigarettes blow up and shatter their entire fucking teeth and jaw out.
01:50:42.000There's one that's, a guy got paralyzed and blew his fucking spine sideways.
01:52:22.000I drive, it's an hour and 45 minutes from Bisbee to the airport, and every car that comes past me the other way, I wait in case they're drunk.
01:52:40.000Well, you just don't want to die because an asshole is doing fucking trucker meth.
01:52:44.000And he decides to start beating off all over his fucking steering wheel, and he can't hold onto the thing when he hits a possum, and his thing's all slippery like lube, and he fucking goes flying into your lane and hits your 2013 Suburban and turns you into a hamburger.
01:52:58.000But I do that all the time until I'm drinking and then I don't give a fuck.
01:53:01.000Exactly, but that's why drinking's beautiful.
01:53:03.000Because what drinking does is it limits inhibitions.
01:53:12.000There's some fucking magic shit in that.
01:53:15.000The whole key to whether it's drinking, or smoking weed, or doing mushrooms, or doing nothing, or exercising, is like this harmonious balance.
01:55:26.000She might as well have been a peccary.
01:55:31.000The whole thing was there's no way I was gone like my my survival instincts were like slamming on the brakes I was like what the fuck dude you came that close this being your girlfriend She's breaking glasses and looking at you like a fucking zombie.
01:55:46.000I'm like Jesus Christ I went from one to the other one to one to like wow what a like a friendly nice person that'll make me Like feel really good when I'm around her we're gonna have some fun together Next time, shatter!
01:56:01.000I'm thinking of her stabbing valets in the neck with a beer bottle and falling face first, chipping her fucking teeth on the curb.
01:57:13.000I was trying to describe Chad Shank, the friend I'm staying with while I'm in town, and everything about him sounds, Chad Shank, well, he used to do this and that, bad things, and he can't leave the house because he's afraid he might hurt someone really bad or murder them.
01:57:31.000Yeah, you were telling me the other day.
01:57:33.000Yeah, he's the most beautiful human being in the world, but to try to explain him based on his own biography is fucking fantastic.
01:57:45.000There's a lot of people like that, my brother.
01:57:59.000There's flashes of awesomeness that come out of unconventional thinkers.
01:58:04.000Unconventional people, or people that, for whatever reason, you know, the pressure came from a different direction and created some fucking weird kind of, like, personality diamond.
01:59:25.000It's a girl that went to prison for two years because she had fucking a lot of weed in her car and got busted in a weird county in Illinois.
01:59:35.000You know those documentaries where they thrive on busting people?
02:01:57.000The problem with so many comics, and I'd say 90% of my friends, is they're great comics when they're there and they're on, but they're fuck-ups.
02:02:11.000We tried to do that tour, the Unbookables, like 10 years ago or something.
02:02:30.000You can't completely hold their hand and take them to the dance.
02:02:35.000But once they're at the dance, you can tell them where the good music is.
02:02:38.000Unless, after the dance, they start biting people.
02:02:42.000Yeah, see, there's all sorts of levels of fucked up, and you gotta find out, like, you and I both have a functional level of fucked up.
02:02:50.000Like, one of the things that you and I, I think we, like, very early on, I think we both realized we're fucked up in very different ways, but we're both functional.
02:03:31.000Because I think you and I both remember when we were scared and when we first started.
02:03:35.000And I know that you are really good with young, up-and-coming acts.
02:03:40.000You're the reason I found out about Brendan Walsh, who I think is hilarious, because I saw you with him in LA. And that's how I found out about him.
02:03:48.000And that's like, to me, there's certain people, like if Joey says this guy's funny, he's funny.
02:03:53.000You know, if Ari says someone's funny, they're funny.
02:08:44.000I did ONA when they were ONA and Dice came in.
02:08:50.000We're scheduled at the same time, and Dice came in and immediately lit up a cigarette, and Opie goes, uh, shit, uh, Dice is gonna smoke in the studio.
02:12:39.000We were doing the man show, and we came over to my place to try to write and try to storm ideas and come up with some new sketches and then deal with the hand that we had been dealt.
02:12:48.000Because Stan Hope and I, we had this...
02:12:52.000I don't want to name any names, but there's a bunch of people that sold us an idea that we could go in and do something chaotic.
02:13:12.000But then once we were working, once we were actually on the set, they had very different ideas as to what it would be versus what we had.
02:13:22.000Our ideas were based on the conversations that we had that made us agree to do it in the first place, whereas their ideas are based on the old shows.
02:13:30.000So there was a little manipulation, but that's just part of what the fuck happened.
02:13:34.000So we went back to my place this one night, and I don't remember whether we decided before we got there.
02:13:41.000It was at the end of this show, and we had to write these monologues or whatever.
02:14:22.000So we were doing a spoof called Make Me Hard where someone tried to not get a boner during three acts and then we had a midget fellating a banana and then we had a lap dancer very hot.
02:19:32.000Either I keep doing the blogs and the bits are in the blogs and people don't mind, or people get annoying and they start complaining that the genesis of the bits occurred in the blogs.
02:19:49.000But you know better if you think it through.
02:19:51.000But initially, two guys, I won't do two shows in a night because I'm afraid someone will stick around for the second show and go, this is a magic act.
02:20:14.000I've heard it said that maybe it's not bad if someone goes to their first show and their second show.
02:20:20.000A few people in the audience actually makes you think...
02:20:24.000Because those people are there, you're aware of them, you have to do it fresh.
02:20:28.000You have to figure out a way to put a new spin on it.
02:20:30.000You have to figure out a way to present it in a way that maybe will be exciting for you, and that way will be exciting for them as well.
02:20:38.000So in a way where instead of just pressing play, you say, even though this is something that I've said multiple times over the course of the last X amount of months that I've been working on it, I'm going to say it in a new and inspired way because I know these two people from the first show are going to be here at the second show.
02:22:35.000It's just like, it's so weird to think that there's just a few hundred miles of this, like, fucking gas and, like, what is it, magnets or something?
02:23:55.000But if you watch it, a lot of the times when I'm talking, I'm not really there.
02:23:59.000I'm talking in a sound booth somewhere where I had to watch the replay and maybe some shit didn't come across right because the sound was all fucked up or sound cut out or something like that.
02:24:12.000If you ever watch Bar Rescue or any dumb shit reality show you're into, if they're not showing John Taffer saying, Well, get the hell out of my bar!
02:26:49.000Wait a minute, you've got the two most- He's funny!
02:26:51.000Peyton Manning can actually do funny, and that's what I love about him.
02:26:55.000Well, him and Tom Brady seem to be designed to make the perfect person.
02:27:00.000If they could just get together and fuck the same girl- Tom Brady can't do funny?
02:27:02.000And there's two sperm lassoed together, like one of those high school ropes we have to climb in the gym.
02:27:08.000If the two sperm intersect the egg at the exact same time and create a superpower, Any time an athlete can actually pull off even a little bit of funny where you didn't expect it, it's hilarious.
02:27:20.000George Foreman was hilarious when he was making his comeback.
02:27:24.000They say, I won't fight a man unless he's in bed on a respirator.
02:27:30.000I make sure they're off their respirator for at least eight days before I'll fight them.
02:28:02.000Yeah, I drink in a lot of unknown bars.
02:28:05.000And you just start like, well, here's one of my favorite Doug stories.
02:28:09.000One of my favorite Doug stories is with the fucking boxing match in Vegas, and you were heckling, and HOLD HIM DOWN AND FUCK HIS FACE! IT'LL DESTROY HIS CONFIDENCE! This is the prelims.
02:28:24.000This is the prelims of this boxing match.
02:28:26.000Listening audience, you have to understand when you go to whatever is boxing or UFC, the undercard, no one's there.
02:28:34.000They're all out getting drinks and waiting for the thing that they don't understand to happen that's at the end.
02:28:40.000So it's dead silent bingo hall church silence.
02:28:46.000So you can heckle from the back row, but Joe Rogan got a second row.
02:28:52.000So it's absolutely quiet, and we're in there heckling.
02:30:06.000Let me tell you something about how Doug Stanhope will heckle a boxing match.
02:30:10.000When he starts the right way, he doesn't just dive right into the hold him down and fuck his face.
02:30:16.000He starts with some light jams, and then he builds up, and then it gets more and more bizarre, and then it got to the hold him down and fuck his face.
02:30:25.000But when he said hold him down and fuck his face, I remember just hearing people go, oh shit.
02:30:31.000Well, Don King showed up at some point.
02:33:41.000You know, one of the things that I enjoy about you, Doug Stanhope, is that you still seem to be, at least to me, when I listen to your podcast especially, you're still trying to have fun.
02:33:54.000You're still, no matter what weirdness comes your way, you try to break up.
02:34:45.000Well, you know As long as you don't have to keep doing it like one of the problems with counseling Is a lot of people that need counseling...
02:35:03.000Pot cookies or any sort of pot edible in an isolation tank is so much more intensely introspective than any other person that you don't really know.
02:35:18.000If you do like some real heavy dose of edible marijuana in an isolation tank, you get to look at yourself in like a really weirdly introspective way, you know?
02:35:32.000You know, I think that's one of the things that's so fun about alcohol, is it frees you from a lot of the nonsense that's involved in introspective thought with a finite lifespan.
02:39:07.000If you were a dentist and you were running for president, I would assume that you would still be able to work on people's teeth, right?
02:39:14.000But as a public performer, if you are going to be some sort of a political figure, like you're going to have a voice on a soapbox in front of all these people with a microphone, you can't do anything else on a microphone.
02:41:19.000Remember when Barack first got elected and you thought, oh, maybe things will really change and within minutes you go, nah, nah.
02:41:28.000Yeah, black people and white people are the same.
02:41:31.000It's just the amount of money they have.
02:41:35.000It was a moment where I think I kind of, for the first time in my life, understood that to be someone that gets into a position, like being the president or something like that, the idea that that one person makes all the calls for all the decisions that get made about all the functions of our government and education system and And first responders and cops and firefighters.
02:42:57.000If you have not watched The Staircase...
02:43:02.000Watch that, and then watch Making a Murderer, because Making a Murderer will make you very upset for about 24 hours, and then you, in hindsight, go, yeah, he probably did it.
02:43:14.000Watch The Staircase, which is like 15 years old.
02:43:18.000Where they give full access to the prosecution as well.
02:43:23.000Making a murderer is completely biased.
02:43:27.000They're trying to make you think that guy's innocent.
02:43:30.000Then you find out behind the scenes, oh, that girl from the auto trader, he had called several times, answered the door in a bathrobe once.
02:43:40.000She asked to not have to go there, the guy he murdered.
02:46:30.000But I don't care, because I can write other shit.
02:46:33.000Well, there was a time where they kicked writers out of the back of the comedy store, because they were writing for a sketch show.
02:46:40.000And they were going on stage, these comics were going on stage, and coming up with these funny premises that would wind up on these television sketch shows.
02:46:49.000It would wind up being acted out in a sketch.
02:46:51.000And the people that were the writers of this sketch show would go to the comedy store and sit in the back room.
02:47:17.000The point is, if she's already said it, then it should be done.
02:47:22.000If she said it publicly, if you're in the back of the comedy store when someone's working out some shit, I've had several people do shit that I already put out on DVD. One of them became famous because of one of Kevin Booth's word of mouth bit.
02:47:43.000He's admitted to me that he stole that bit.
02:47:47.000But I stopped doing that because I put it on a DVD. And he's a nice guy.
02:48:59.000But let me ask you this, because that's an intensely personal thing.
02:49:02.000If an open-miker, say, really did have an experience where his mother wanted him to help her commit suicide, and he went through with it, and she died, and he decided to...
02:49:16.000Do a bit about it, but acknowledging that he had seen your bit as well.
02:49:38.000Like, if a guy only has on stage an hour, right?
02:49:42.000You don't want anybody in a state of confusion going...
02:49:46.000Doug Stanhope does a joke about putting his mother to death.
02:49:49.000You have to address that, because it's a big joke that you have.
02:49:53.000It's a really well-respected and enjoyed joke.
02:49:58.000So if someone was a Doug Stanhope fan, and they came to see this new dude, and this new dude really did have to help his mom kill herself, right?
02:50:07.000And he said, well, I just have to say, before I talk about this, One of my favorite comedians, Doug Stanhope, or a guy I think is fairly mediocre, but extremely exciting.
02:50:19.000Like, whatever description he has for you.
02:50:21.000He should have to admit, I'm a Doug Stanhope fan, I've listened to his comedy, I think he's great, and I couldn't believe this was happening to me as well.
02:50:30.000Like, then he's talking about his own life experience.
02:50:33.000Like, you can't eliminate a person's life experience from their repertoire, right?
02:50:37.000But I think, like, to make it easier for everybody listening, they should probably acknowledge.
02:50:43.000Like, if someone did have to help their mom commit suicide, they should have to say, in some sort of a way...
02:50:50.000They shouldn't have to, but it would be smart to say...
02:50:55.000Like so-and-so said, but this happened to me.
02:50:59.000A question would be, going back to something Joe said earlier, which was, what if that person is Chris Rock, who's so much bigger, and nobody knows who the fuck you are?
02:51:14.000Well, then you ask Joe Rogan to step in and go, I'm sorry, Carlos, but Ari already did that.
02:51:23.000There's not a whole lot of guys that get to that spot.
02:51:26.000His career, and I don't know if it's because you deflated his ego so much, or his confidence, or the people spoke out, but after that incident, he disappeared.
02:51:40.000He went down to my level, where if we're doing a Wednesday...
02:51:45.000At the Cleveland Improv, one show only, he's doing a Thursday, or vice versa.
02:51:51.000But honestly, that is not a bad thing.
02:53:14.000But that's exactly where you should not give a fuck because those are not the people you want to talk to.
02:53:21.000The whole idea that, well, oh, he only likes them.
02:53:25.000That's why I always hate the audience instead of the artist.
02:53:29.000If you can be a televangelist and make a lot of people clap, yeah, I'm going to hate you, but I can't hate you too much because you've got...
02:54:15.000It's the audience who is always the problem.
02:54:17.000No, people didn't feel like they could go on stage in front of him if they weren't famous, because he would do their stuff on Comedy Central.
02:54:26.000And their stuff would no longer be their stuff.
02:54:27.000Because if a guy's, you know, Lupe Fiasco, and he's going up fucking Thursday night at the Comedy Store...
02:54:35.000I've been out of the loop for a while, but there's a million channels between the internet and TV and everything, so I could actually steal people's material and they would never know because...
02:56:27.000One of the things we filmed for the BBC, I'm like, I have this, it's just a riffing, topical thing, and I called him up, I go, did you do that?
02:58:01.000Burr is like one of those guys, he'll like change subjects, like in the middle of talking, he'll turn another corner and take you down a road, another rant, and turn another corner, take you down another rant.
02:59:00.000Just have Burr and Joey Diaz every weekend.
02:59:03.000I would take Joey over Burr only because I like to see the chance of a flame-out.
02:59:12.000It's the difference between IndyCar driving and going to Tonopah Speedway where everyone has a fucking Vega with a Cessna engine jacked up into it and they hope it'll work.
02:59:26.000Did you ever see that video of that guy?
02:59:28.000Is this Tony Stewart, the guy that killed that guy on the racetrack?
03:01:37.000Can you totally 100% be responsible for head-on-head collisions if you didn't intend them to be a head-on-head collision and you're running full clip towards some guy who's trying to not have you tackle him?
03:02:20.000And one of the reasons why it's awesome is they let them fight.
03:02:22.000Oh no, it's awesome because of HD. Now when you have 60 inches of high definition, now you can watch this fucking sport and you can love it.
03:02:32.000Well, I love hockey too for the same reason I love music.
03:03:21.000And I love hearing about your antics down there in Bisbee.
03:03:24.000And I wish you would just run for mayor of Bisbee.
03:03:27.000And take over, and then we buy a comedy club, and we just fucking, you know, we get the bar, and free, because those people, they can't pay any money.
03:04:49.000The point is, the audience was great, and the audience are my friends, and they will laugh all the time, and I can film comics I like, rather than say, hey, go bananas, will you book my friend?
03:07:59.000I realized if I didn't drink, I'd have eight more hours in every day.
03:08:04.000We have sat in the funhouse in Bisbee and looked at Joe Rogan's activity on a spreadsheet and tried to work out when it is you're sleeping.
03:09:39.000And as long as people stay alive and you can feed them and there's no famine, there's no diseases, technology is going to continue to progress.
03:09:47.000I think that, like, the same thing happens with, like...
03:09:51.000Enforcing the law, or trying to make money, or whatever it is that people pursue.
03:09:58.000They try to improve upon whatever results they've had the previous trimester, semester, year, quarter, whatever the fuck it is.
03:10:07.000It's just an inherent part of being a person.
03:10:09.000So if it's about busting people, you want to bust more fucking people.
03:10:18.000And as soon as there's a win-loss, then you're getting people that are addicted to winning in football or baseball or fucking whatever else it is.
03:11:36.000They believe that it's possible that memes and even racism might be passed from, and I don't mean memes like internet memes, but like ideas.
03:11:44.000Like ideas might be able to be passed, like the reaction and contemplation and solution of an idea might be passed from parent to child, where the child almost immediately goes to the same resolution or solution that the parent did.
03:12:01.000Almost instinctively, like they have it programmed to their genome.
03:12:14.000They've done it with mice, where they've figured out a way to, they have a citrus smell, and they would spray the citrus smell, they would smell it, and they would shock their feet.
03:12:23.000And the mice offspring, who did not experience the same experiment, still, when they would blast the citrus smell, they would have some sort of a reaction, like a stress reaction, to like something coming at them.
03:12:36.000I jerked off to the same video last night.
03:13:51.000It's a republication of my first novel that was published in the UK a while ago, and it got great reviews, and it was never published in the US. Beautiful.
03:15:00.000Why don't you just try to be one of those intercontinental motherfuckers and get yourself a fat spread out here and use some of that stand-up comedy loot to make your life look more ludicrous?
03:15:10.000Well, we're waiting for someone to move out of our fucking rent-control apartment building.
03:15:20.000Oh my god, if I could have stood this whole time.
03:15:25.000Um, uh, altruism, you know, help for, like, the young comics.
03:15:29.000Maybe perhaps that rent-controlled apartment could be some sort of a, like, local dive, like, shack place where people can go and stay for the night.
03:15:37.000Young comics to us are guys who've only been doing it for 15 years.