Comedian Steve Hofstadter joins Jemele to talk about his stand-up routine, how to deal with hecklers, and why you should never drink at a comedy club. Plus, we talk about why you shouldn t drink at comedy clubs and why it's a good idea to have a glass of water in the middle of the night before a comedy show. And, of course, there's a little bit of comedy magic at the end of the episode. Thanks to Pale Fire and Mossy Creek for sponsoring this episode! If you like what you hear, please HIT SUBSCRIBE and leave us a rating and review on Apple Podcasts! Subscribe, Like, and Share to stay up to date with what's going on in the world of comedy and what's to come in the coming weeks! Thank you so much for being a part of this podcast, and we hope you enjoy it! -Jon Sorrentino and Jemele Check us out on Anchor.fm/TheJonShow and don't forget to subscribe to the podcast! Don't Tell a Friend about Jon's Podcast: if you like the show and/or don't mind if he doesn't mention it on his social media! if he mentions it on the pod! If he does not respond to your feed, please tell a friend about the show! or doesn't respond to it on Insta: . or if you don't like it, tell him about it, he's cool with it. or leave him a review and he can be reached via Insta comment on Instagrande or something like that's cool and he should do so on Instafood, he'll get a shout out on Instacademy or Instagram or whatever else he does it's cool, he can do it, and he'll be notified about it's awesome, and it'll be cool, right? thank you, Jon will also be notified of the show will be notified, and other things like that will be appreciated! , right? Thank you very much appreciate it, Jon is awesome, Jon loves you, he said so much, thank you? - Thank you, bye, Jon says hi, bye! XOXO, Jon -JONY! xoxo, JONYO, EJ & AJYO. -Sebastian
00:01:57.000The people that only want to do monologues, and if anything goes off the line, they ignore it, and they just keep going, and they hope that the...
00:02:25.000I can't concentrate on this, you know, bit I've done a thousand times if, in the back of my head, I was like, wait, what's happening right now in the back of the room?
00:03:25.000I mean, part of why I say it's ego is because if there's hundreds of people at this show, and they're all quiet, and then one person thinks they're all doing it wrong...
00:06:13.000The weirdest drunk to me is the crying drunk.
00:06:17.000Like, the drunk that gets super upset, because then it's like, why would you give yourself the ingredient that you need to cry in the corner?
00:07:56.000You just do the math on that, and you're like, I'm gonna die.
00:07:58.000And I started realizing, you know what?
00:08:00.000I don't have inhibition that alcohol changes.
00:08:03.000Like, that same year, I had done some show in Bloomington, Indiana, and we went to a bar afterward, and there were a bunch of hot girls dancing on the bar, and I went up and I danced on the bar with them, and I wasn't drunk.
00:08:13.000I just wanted to dance with the hot girls.
00:08:15.000And there were all these, like, there were all these drunk...
00:08:18.000People, you know, below the bar, like all these loser guys just kind of like nursing their beer and looking up, be like, I wish I could do that.
00:08:25.000And be like, well, then get the fuck up on the bar.
00:08:30.000Because that makes me reconsider all the times I've like touched the bar and then touched food and then put my phone up there and touched that and then touched food.
00:08:40.000The bottom of my shoes are not clean, Joe.
00:09:07.000You have the unique personality trait that allows you to get crazy and dance on bars.
00:09:12.000That is a strange thing, though, about the people that are in those 12-step programs, because they really do get super attached to the idea that that's the only way to be sober.
00:09:20.000Yeah, and it is a way, and if you need that, okay.
00:09:23.000More power to you, and I don't want to take that away from anybody, but we're all different.
00:09:30.000And everybody's, you know, nerve endings connect differently, whatever the hell the biology is of it.
00:09:35.000And I didn't need a program, especially because I would freak out if they were like, and this is about Jesus!
00:09:41.000And I would be like, go fuck yourself, give me a beer.
00:09:43.000So, you know, I wouldn't be able to be comfortable there.
00:10:05.000So, it's the first real time I'm on the road.
00:10:07.000I was terrible with women in high school and college.
00:10:10.000And then suddenly I hit the road as a comic, and they're everywhere, and they're interested, and life is different.
00:10:16.000And so there was a show, I was doing a show for a sorority, and usually the sororities that sponsor comedy shows are like the philanthropy sorority, and they're all terrible.
00:10:38.000And then I go up to a standing room only crowd and crush.
00:10:41.000And so now, it's afterward, we're hanging out, there's like this after-party thing that they put together for just them and the two of us, one of which they hated because he bombed.
00:10:51.000And, like, there are just these eight hot girls surrounding me, one shouldered another one out of the way to sit next to me.
00:10:56.000I was like, this is, this is, like, nothing I've ever experienced.
00:10:59.000And then they took us to another party.
00:11:02.000And I'm pretty sure someone put something in my drink.
00:11:05.000Not in the way of, like, I want to fuck this guy.
00:11:07.000In the way of, like, this is a guy getting all the attention away from the other guys.
00:11:10.000And I think one of the other guys fucked with my drink.
00:11:21.000I was supposed to stay at the sorority house...
00:11:23.000Like, the plan was I was going to stay in the guest room, so I didn't even have to do the whole excuse of like, hey, can I use your bathroom?
00:11:28.000Can I come in for, like, I just, I was supposed to go back there with them, and I spent the entire night just vomiting.
00:11:45.000I was, we were driving, it was the middle of winter, but I was wearing like two pairs of pants, like two sweatshirts, and in a sleeping bag in the car with the heat on full blast, and I was shivering the whole way.
00:13:55.000I just listened to Radiolab the other day about addiction, and they said that 95, or sorry, I'm going to start that over.
00:14:02.000Of 100 people, if they started at AA on January 1st, as of December 31st of that year, only 5 would still be in the program.
00:14:12.000Basically saying it doesn't work, but there's a lot of factors that could mean that or why that could happen because some people could start a different program, they could go to the meeting next door, but they're saying only 5% of people will stay in the program through some certain statistics.
00:14:39.000Ibogaine is a drug that is from the aboga plant, and it's supposed to be fantastic for people that have heroin addiction, alcohol addiction, even addictive personality disorders, gambling problems, things along those lines.
00:14:52.000It's supposed to be this ruthlessly introspective psychedelic experience that brutally breaks down Your pathways, your thinking pathways, and shows you why you keep going into this self-sabotage mode.
00:15:07.000And it's apparently unbelievably uncomfortable to go through.
00:15:11.000Psychologically, physically, it doesn't feel good.
00:15:14.000But when it's over, the rate of retention, the retention of sobriety, the rate of sobriety that people retain afterwards is staggering.
00:15:33.000There's a treatment center on the 101. Because I passed by, and it looked like a college campus almost, and I was like, what the hell is that?
00:15:41.000And I looked it up, and it's like a treatment center, like an inpatient, and you cut out everyone in your life kind of thing.
00:15:48.000It's one of those, yeah, it's one of those, you're not allowed to talk to people for six months.
00:15:53.000But when I looked it up, I found it on Google, and there were reviews.
00:15:57.000And one of the reviews was of someone who was about to go into the treatment center, and he gave it one star.
00:16:45.000That's good, though, because then you get to know, should I listen to this moron?
00:16:49.000Let me see what they have to say about dating.
00:16:52.000Why is it that men these days don't want to open up a car door, don't want to open up a door for a lady, get upset when you're expected to pay and don't understand that you do want your own career?
00:17:02.000And as it turns out, the gnocchi was fantastic.
00:17:14.000It's also tough, like, using Yelp sometimes in the middle of nowhere, that's really tough, because then you're like, these motherfuckers don't know sushi.
00:17:38.000If I call you up and I go, hey, Steve, what do you think about this?
00:17:42.000Well, I know Steve's an intelligent guy.
00:17:43.000He's going to give me a really nuanced, thought-out opinion of whatever we're discussing.
00:17:48.000But if you don't know a person, you're just reading their type, their type could be, I mean, when they write things down, the printed word could be just as valid as some fucking psychopath's printed word.
00:18:03.000You gotta go deep, deep, deep into their paragraphs, and you gotta really try to...
00:18:10.000Decipher like how fucking nuts is this person?
00:18:12.000I have a theory I have a theory that the way we make online tolerable The way we make like you know online not be this you know just I guess Bastion for angry thought is everyone's not name, but everyone's job should bring parentheses So we know what people do for a living.
00:19:06.000Because I thought, I thought the idea, because there was, you know, the reviews of people and people getting upset, and I was like, the only people who would get upset at that are the people who know they're going to get two stars.
00:19:19.000Someone who's like a shitty co-worker, who has it against you, can write a bunch of mean shit about you, and then every time you pull up your name...
00:19:26.000You see this mean shit written against you.
00:19:28.000Yeah, you need to I think for the way that to work for the way for that to work is you can only review someone if you both agree to review each other.
00:19:34.000I was reading this thing about this guy who's getting stalked online by this other guy and they found the person and it was a 17 year old kid that was the son of one of his friends.
00:20:22.000Fucking high school kid that was the son of one of his friends and they all had a sit down and they printed up all the stuff this kid had written for like a fucking year and handed it to him.
00:20:32.000And the kids started crying and I don't know why I did it.
00:20:43.000You know, and if you're not there when the person is reacting, especially when you're 17 and your emotions, maybe they're not so complex or they're not so rather formed, they're not mature.
00:21:11.000I didn't either, but there was, I think it was an SNL sketch about it where they were, like, they explained the whole premise, or, like, you press this button and somewhere, someone in the world died, and the guy just hits the button.
00:21:22.000And they're like, you didn't let us finish.
00:21:24.000Like, we would give you a million dollars, and then he just hits it again.
00:21:27.000Because we're that, like, inhuman and impersonal.
00:21:30.000Like, if you just tell me that someone somewhere else in the world died, like, that doesn't really affect you.
00:21:53.000They say that drone pilots suffer through a lot of, like, severe anxiety when they're done, and, like, it's apparently incredibly psychologically stressful because you're doing this weird thing where you're sort of sending this robot,
00:22:10.000and they're doing it from Nevada, right?
00:22:12.000And so the robots are in Afghanistan or Pakistan or...
00:22:17.000Yemen or wherever the hell they are and they're launching missiles from these sky robots and It just feels so detached and creepy to the people that are doing it Well, it's the same I guess the same psychology of like why you're able to get into such credit card debt,
00:22:32.000but you wouldn't do that with cash Because like you were you you see it as just some mythical thing right and then afterward you realize oh this is real and Would you be able to kill someone if you knew that they were a bad guy?
00:23:13.000Because there are all these, like, there's this trope in movies and TV about, you know, like, a cop shot someone that they had to shoot in the line of duty.
00:23:20.000It wasn't, you know, like, just killing some kid.
00:23:22.000It was, you know, shooting a bad guy, and then they have to go to therapy over it.
00:23:37.000Like worried about being attacked, worried about being blown up, worried about driving over an IED. The soldiers that are proactive, like Rangers, Navy SEALs, guys who go in and hunt people down, they don't have that much PTSD. They're different types of people.
00:23:53.000I mean some of them have just been through crazy firefights, and they wake up with horrible nightmares, but a shocking amount of them realize they're doing the right thing, they have to do this, this needs to be done, and they're the man to do it.
00:24:31.000Well, you know, I mean, those movies, like, how many of these movies have, like, these, like, we're talking about the grooves that are carved in that some people have that get depressed very easily or behave really...
00:24:48.000Like, those grooves, those psychic grooves that they think that they're supposed to behave like that, those are carved into tropes and storylines and plots, and there's so many plots, there's so many movies you watch, like, you didn't even write this, okay?
00:25:02.000You knew what has already been written about these subjects, and you just sort of repeated it with different words.
00:25:20.000One of the most fascinating interviews I ever saw was, you know, they interviewed the guy who was, you know, all the gangster movies in the 40s, the same, huh, same, like all that.
00:26:55.000I got to meet, when I was 21, I think, I covered, I was in college during the Seinfeld send-off party, and the place where, like the Tom's Diner, where Monk's was based, the exterior shot, was like a block off my campus.
00:27:11.000So I made up a fake press pass, and I went and I covered the party.
00:27:15.000And I got to meet De La Soul was there, and it was like, it was so great.
00:28:10.000And, you know, I mean, he's like, I'm a dad now.
00:28:14.000But it's like, play the beginning of it, because the beginning of the show, see if you can find it, because the beginning of it is so fucking preposterous when he explains how we're going to keep it real.
00:28:59.000I would just watch people desperately need attention and do nothing of quality to get it.
00:29:06.000So there was this one woman, they put out the craft services, and this one woman goes up and she loads up like two plates and then is putting stuff in her purse also.
00:31:09.000The worst thing we can have to one of those people is one day they'll just catch that magic wave where, you know, there's this one crowd where almost anyone can do well.
00:31:20.000There's these weird crowds that are just so good and so hyped up that someone with like really shitty skills can get up there and just make it happen.
00:31:29.000And then they chase the ghosts of that performance forever.
00:31:32.000Here's a great story that I've told before, unfortunately people have heard it, but Joey Diaz was The early days of the comedy show, there was this one woman who was insane.
00:33:02.000Your actions, what you wear, how you stand, how you speak, those can all determine that.
00:33:07.000But your thoughts of how you want to be seen, the difference of how you see yourself and how everyone else sees you, that chasm is delusion.
00:33:15.000And so the shorter that chasm, the more self-aware you're going to be, the funnier you can be.
00:33:20.000The bigger that chasm, the more likely you're going to flip a table on a reality show.
00:33:29.000And it goes back to what we were talking about earlier, that stand-up in a lot of ways is almost like a vehicle for introspective observation.
00:33:37.000You're almost forced to examine yourself in a way that very few people do, because people like...
00:33:42.000To put up blinders, and that's why people like to drink.
00:33:45.000You just kind of push it all away and ignore all the faults and press on.
00:33:50.000And when you're doing stand-up, I mean, you really, you can't do that.
00:33:54.000Because bombing is so unbelievably, brutally painful that you go, okay, that can't happen again.
00:34:42.000Yeah, they just standing on this lady named Mary and so one by one they would all show up and they'd be like there were like 12 people there and it was a nightmare and Everyone is talking about how shitty it was and how everybody bombed and the night was terrible Then one comic gets there and doesn't know that everyone had already done that and the first thing he does he Yeah,
00:37:39.000I used to be a segment producer on a show, and we would always put in stuff we didn't want to use, so that they could come in the room and be like, no, no, no, you have to take that out, you have to take that out, and then leave in the thing that we thought they would take out.
00:37:52.000Well, I'm sure you've seen the scene in Team America World Police, where the sex scene between the two puppets, they made, like, ten minutes longer than they wanted it to be, where he shits on her chest, or she shits on his chest, they pee on each other.
00:39:48.000There's a way to do art, and it's definitely not by having a bunch of people that have money invested in it, looking around it, going, okay, how can we maximize this?
00:39:59.000How can we make this as sellable as possible?
00:40:02.000That's just the opposite of the kind of mentality that you need to make something good.
00:40:08.000And just like you were talking about with...
00:40:11.000Comedy where people don't see themselves if you don't see yourself how other people see you It's not gonna work and it won't be funny.
00:40:17.000Well, that's kind of the same thing with art if you produce a television show or whatever it is and People don't enjoy it.
00:40:26.000It'll fall off and then it's not good anymore But to have someone come in and say oh You got to do this and you got to do that because we know better because we're the ones with the money that never works But every time every time I think that I remember that According to Jim had over a hundred episodes.
00:41:24.000Like, I never put it on purpose, but if, like, someone, if I'm, like, in a hotel room or something, I flip it on or whatever it is, like, it takes me a little to just shake it off because I just want to be like, how is this made?
00:42:03.000For people that are all just exhausted from eating carbs and sugar all day, and they're just sitting in the couch just melting.
00:42:13.000And then the dumbest fucking humor plays out in front of them, and it's just enough to keep them paying attention so they watch those Toyota commercials.
00:42:21.000I was, you know, very often I wonder about like, how does this get made?
00:43:14.000And her friend and her mom was over, and they were watching some Spider-Man movie, and Spider-Man got bit by a spider, and she just goes, he got bit by a spider.
00:45:08.000I grew up in New York City, and so, like, I remember...
00:45:11.000I was a kid when it happened, but I remember the Center Park Jogger when Trump took out four full-page ads in different newspapers calling for the death penalty for these black kids who didn't even do it.
00:45:22.000And he was just inciting a riot, basically.
00:45:25.000He was just trying to race bait and get attention.
00:48:04.000And I think that's entirely one of the things that is real comfortable for people to fall into when it comes to elections.
00:48:11.000And it's one of the reasons why I think we need way more parties.
00:48:15.000At least that way we'll have more teams.
00:48:18.000Because this two-team option is like, if every fucking year it was the Celtics versus the Lakers in the NBA Finals, wouldn't you be tired of that after a while?
00:48:28.000Well, that's, I think, how America feels about the election.
00:49:11.000Yeah, when Jesse Jackson was starting to get some heat, and I think it was 1980, suddenly, there was 80 or 84, I forget, but it was suddenly superdelegates came out.
00:49:49.000And like, you can actually, if you're, now obviously, people wouldn't do it for the most part because you'd think, oh well then they'll lose the ability to do it and that's all the little power they have in their life is to be a delegate at this convention.
00:49:58.000But the fact of the matter is that like, New York State can vote 100% for a Democrat and then the Electoral College can go and just vote for a Republican.
00:50:08.000It can just, they can do it if they want to.
00:50:36.000I mean, if we, this is a point that I always bring up.
00:50:40.000If we didn't have a system of government in place, we had all these people, we all just woke up today, who would say we need one person to run it?
00:52:28.000And I just don't think a gorilla is even aware of how fragile a three-year-old human being is.
00:52:35.000Have you ever had a three-year-old chimp or a three-year-old gorilla near you?
00:52:39.000I can't say I've ever had that experience.
00:52:41.000I was on a TV show, it was on news radio, and they brought in a chimp for a scene, and this two-year-old chimp with diaper on was like, I was holding it, and it was beating on me, it was like hitting me in the back, like playing around with me.
00:52:54.000They're unbelievably strong, and sinewy, like a little tiny bodybuilder.
00:53:35.000It's, it's, I mean, it's a bit I enjoy, but there was a, there, so there's a bit I used to do, there was a story in Chicago, like, 15 years ago, where a woman was holding her baby over a gorilla.
00:53:48.000Like holding it straight up and then drop the baby and on that one the gorilla saved the kid and picked it up and And kept until the zookeeper could give it back to the mother.
00:53:56.000Yeah, and the joke I used to do is be like I'm sorry give it back Like at that point a gorilla is a better parent than the person who once you voluntarily dangle your baby over a wild animal It's that's you giving of the baby away.
00:54:09.000Well, we've been made it way too easy for people to survive People survive with very little adversity.
00:55:06.000I just think human beings need a certain amount of adversity.
00:55:12.000We need a certain amount of difficulty to overcome, to learn those lessons, to filter that experience down into your behavior.
00:55:18.000And when you don't learn those lessons and you just live this muted, nerfed up world, then you're holding your fucking baby over the gorilla tank because you're getting a little thrill.
00:56:33.000Well, so Bowers has a great theory where, you know, the way to, I guess, prevent the stupid people in the overpopulation is if everyone is basically sterilized and you have to take something in order to be able to be pregnant...
00:56:48.000But the only way you get that pill is you have to take that pill every day.
00:56:52.000You don't take a pill to stop yourself from being pregnant.
00:56:54.000You take a pill to get yourself pregnant.
00:57:12.000It should be like one of those crows have to get a crumb out of a tube, and they have to use one tool to get the other tool to get the third tool in order to get the food.
00:58:49.000I mean, I've only been flying about 20 years.
00:58:52.000But 20 years ago, and now that's part of because they do the spoke garbage now where they, you know, you have to fly through Cincinnati to go to Denver or whatever it is.
01:03:37.000Well, I know that Green Day isn't real punk-punk, but at the same time, that's the movement it came out of, and it's supposed to be anti-establishment, and the whole point of the show, I mean, the broadwaying of it, Basically made it like everybody's just jazz hands to fucking Green Day.
01:04:01.000I was so disappointed because afterward I was like, I can't believe they lent their name to this and then I looked it up and I go, oh no, they were in charge?
01:04:47.000Yeah, man, there's a lot of that stuff.
01:04:49.000You know, it's like what we're talking about.
01:04:51.000We're talking about suits coming in and telling you what you can and can't say.
01:04:55.000I mean, they're being their own suits.
01:04:57.000They're trying to formulate something that they think America's going to absorb, and then they're thinking about buying yachts.
01:05:02.000So Avenue Q is a great show, but the most fun part of watching it was watching the old Broadway people Thinking that they're super naughty for going to the show.
01:05:13.000Just like these, like, 60, 70-year-old women who, like, just couldn't believe, like, they said masturbation!
01:06:17.000Those people have to do everything they can to be cultured except actually talk to human beings.
01:06:22.000Well, they talk to a few human beings who are exactly like them.
01:06:25.000Yeah, but they don't talk to anyone who, you know, I mean, they might know their gardener's name.
01:06:30.000Well, there's a bunch of people that are like that, that are just completely locked up in consumption, and that's the only thing that they can discuss.
01:06:36.000I had this neighbor, I used to call him Bling Bling, because Bling Bling always had like, everything was shiny, he always had like expensive watches, and he always had like the nicest cars.
01:06:47.000I couldn't talk to the fucking guy about anything other than like cars and houses.
01:06:53.000You know, like I would say, hey man, how you doing?
01:07:39.000When people make this argument about, like, oh, well, you know, we have to allow the rich to be able to spend their money because it's for the economy, and that's why they shouldn't, you know, we shouldn't have higher taxes on the rich, I'm just like, do you see how they spend it?
01:08:05.000I mean, if one person works harder and they make more money, and one person is more innovative, they're more creative, they figure out a way to extract more money from the system, should they be penalized?
01:08:17.000I mean, aren't we all trying to do that?
01:08:18.000Are we all trying to acquire money in some way, shape, or form?
01:08:22.000And who is to say that one person, some Bill Gates-type guy, is better at it, so they should be penalized?
01:08:28.000It seems like you're trying to rig the game because someone is just way fucking better at it.
01:08:34.000Well, I think the problem is that it's not...
01:08:37.000I don't have a problem with the people who are better at it.
01:08:38.000I have a problem with the people who are the grandson of the person who is better at it.
01:09:16.000Yeah, well, that's one of the reasons why poor people vote for Republicans.
01:09:19.000They really think, well, you need business!
01:09:22.000Who is more anti-poor people than Republicans?
01:09:27.000But how many poor people wind up being conservative?
01:09:30.000What I want to say to those people is like, I get, you know, we all want to be millionaires, we all want to be successful, and that's wonderful, and we need a path to get there, and that's fantastic.
01:09:37.000But tell me this, when you were 55 and you were working at Applebee's, what the fuck is your path?
01:09:42.000Where from here to there, you tell me what app you're going to invent, you tell me what, you know, you're going to win on American Idol as the old lady.
01:09:51.000Like, you tell me how the fuck are you going to go from the lowest tax bracket to the highest one when you're already 55 and your dream has gone.
01:10:01.000See, to say that is kind of silly because there's been a million stories about someone who writes a book in their 50s and they become rich.
01:10:16.000If you're actually just taking all your time and you're staying at Applebee's and then you're drinking and then you watch the TV and then you're falling asleep.
01:10:24.000If that person said to me, well, I've been working on this novel for a very long time, and I have a lot of faith in it, and I've sent it to a lot of publishers, and you know what?
01:10:29.000I've been rejected a lot of times, but I'm not going to take no for an answer.
01:10:32.000I'm going to pound the pavement, and I'm going to find it.
01:10:33.000Maybe I'll self-publish it, and I'll walk around, and I'll go to libraries, and I'll get my book in libraries.
01:10:39.000And if they said all that, I would be like, you know what?
01:11:30.000The problem with those goddamn mortgages, man, that was the craziest Ponzi scheme ever.
01:11:35.000That you would have someone with an adjustable rate mortgage and all of a sudden the rate gets jacked up through the roof and you're paying three times as much.
01:13:27.000And that's a pattern that just keeps getting repeated and repeated, and we're not feeling the feedback of the negative actions.
01:13:34.000I was flying, and it was during that crazy winter with the polar vortex stuff, Where it was, like, negative two degrees in a lot of places, and it got down to, like, negative 20 in the Midwest.
01:14:01.000So I'm flying somewhere, and there's this guy, you know, going through in front of me at TSA, and, you know, he's taking off his coat and all that stuff, and...
01:14:48.000A global warming denier is really close to being the President of the United States.
01:14:53.000He is not only a global warming denier, but the good news is, if he felt he would make money off of it, he would believe in global warming.
01:15:15.000I think it's, I think it's a, yeah, it's what you were saying, the idea of like plowing ahead and not knowing, like, I have this thing where it bothers me when someone's unhappy.
01:15:26.000Like, when I can see unhappiness, whether, like, someone's mad at me about something I did, or just someone's sad, like, immediately I'm like, I have to fix this!
01:15:33.000You know, like, and I don't know what that's from.
01:15:35.000I don't know how I got that way, and I try to get over it to a degree.
01:15:40.000I like being compassionate, but I also don't want it to, like, totally ruin me.
01:15:44.000And I think that there are people who are wired in completely the other direction, who they can walk by someone bleeding to death and just be like, ugh, the sidewalk used to be so much nicer.
01:17:22.000The third one was one who was, I don't think she's ever been owned.
01:17:27.000It was just on the streets of Louisville and just walking around near the airport.
01:17:30.000And then the fourth one was actually one where this was the one that made me the most upset because leash and collar right outside of a dog grooming place.
01:20:05.000And he, like, what's crazy is, so that breed, if you were to buy one, they're $2,500.
01:20:14.000And that's one without training, without anything, like, and he was just sitting in a shelter.
01:20:18.000And so anytime someone's like, oh, well, you know, I gotta go to a shelter because I need a really specific, or, sorry, I gotta go to a breeder because I need a really specific dog.
01:21:26.000So she followed me on Twitter, and I just write back and I go, hey, I'm so honored for the follow.
01:21:31.000Since you're the PETA spokesperson, could you let me know why PETA has a 90% kill rate?
01:21:37.000And so she starts doing, you know, the standard PR thing of like, well, you know, people bring dogs to us that, you know, don't really have much of a chance elsewhere.
01:21:45.000And so, you know, we're kind of a last resort.
01:21:47.000And I go, oh, well, that's actually not true, because I know of shelters that are like that, and their kill rate is one-tenth of yours.
01:23:12.000Animal Liberation Organization, at the very head of a lot of these really radical animal rights movements, and by the way, I love animals, so I get it.
01:24:25.000You couldn't take them to the dog park, couldn't take them, it didn't matter how much I trained him, how much I was with him all the time, when dogs would bow up around him, he would get aggressive and he'd want to fight.
01:24:35.000Well, I agree with you on a lot of things, but this is one where I have a completely different line, because I have a dog who is Chihuahua Basset Hound, and I can't bring her near other dogs.
01:24:50.000The problem with pit bulls is, it's a very dangerous dog.
01:24:54.000They're super powerful, they're really aggressive, and they don't...
01:24:58.000Respond to pain the way a lot of other dogs do because it's been bred out of them Like if you follow the way they breed dogs for fighting when dogs fight if they back away if they cower they were killed That was the whole Michael Vick thing.
01:25:13.000Is that they had killed all these dogs that quit in fights so when you have all of that Reinforcement genetically and you're dealing with a breed that's been Raised like this for hundreds and hundreds of generations, you're dealing with an incredibly aggressive dog with a really high kill drive.
01:25:34.000And when these dogs with high prey drives are given to irresponsible people, that's when you're getting all babies getting killed, little kids getting killed, dogs getting killed.
01:25:47.000But, I mean, that's also the same train of thought that people, you know, if you can put on a powdered wig and say that about, quote-unquote, the Negro.
01:27:55.000You should probably seek help with a professional, a behavioral specialist with dogs.
01:28:01.000But even then, if some dog threatens your dog or growls around your dog, it's likely that your dog's going to clamp a hold of its neck, and that dog's going to get fucked up.
01:28:09.000But that's also why I'm a huge proponent of leash laws.
01:28:12.000I think, by the way, if LA... Fuck these parking tickets.
01:28:52.000One of mine is a fucking terror when it comes to other dogs.
01:28:55.000And so immediately we pick them up, and this lady starts lecturing us about how you're not socializing your dogs correctly, and they'll never learn.
01:29:01.000And I was like, well, if you want my dog to bite your dog, I can put her back down if you'd like.
01:30:22.000So if I know that there are going to be non-leash dogs there, I'm fine, because I know and I'm prepared and I'm ready, and the dog is prepared, and etc.
01:30:29.000But if all of a sudden a dog just comes out of the woods...
01:30:51.000And I know that even when I stop for them on the road, I know that's dangerous to do because you have no idea if that dog is going to try to bite you.
01:32:14.000Like, it's something where I give my dogs the medicine for it, but, like, California has such a fucking flea problem that there's nothing you can do.
01:32:21.000Like, after a certain amount, like, every, every dog here has fleas.
01:33:16.000But that's just the case with everything, right?
01:33:18.000I mean, you have your reasonable people and then you have your people that take that to the utmost and take it to the furthest point of rational thinking.
01:33:27.000To the point where you're like, you're killing all the dogs you capture?
01:33:31.000One of my favorite things that I've seen was Jon Stewart showed a video of people merging to the, I think it was like the Holland Tunnel or the Lincoln Tunnel or something.
01:33:41.000And it was like one car, one car, one car, one car.
01:33:44.000Like you're supposed to do with merge.
01:33:46.000And every now and then, someone would drive up on the shoulder and go around all of them.
01:34:26.000You know, there's so many people that every day they barely make it to work on time, and it's like this adrenaline rush they're addicted to.
01:34:49.000Another thing that, another Chris Bauer story, another comic was asking him about, because he drives around to gigs all the time, and someone asked him about, because he said, oh yeah, I never speed.
01:35:00.000And he's like, what do you mean you never speed?
01:35:13.000Like, at the same time, it's hard not to speed, because when you're like, when you have these straightaways, when there are no cars near you, and it's like, why the fuck is the speed limit 60 here?
01:36:06.000Like, I would drive, like, give me a purple Fender.
01:36:09.000You know, give me something ridiculous that the cops can easily see then and go, okay, that's a 75 mile an hour guy.
01:36:14.000And if you text in your car, if you text while you're driving, while you're actually moving, I mean, how many times have I looked over and I saw this car acting weird and they're texting?
01:36:22.000You should just, you should lose your license for a week.
01:37:18.000But it came back like five minutes later was jumping at me and barking and I was like, get the f- I kinda got pissed, you know what I mean?
01:37:25.000It was like she was taking her dog and picking up and getting mad at me because I got mad at the dog.
01:37:29.000Well, people get mad that you don't know their dog is cool.