Christine and Joe talk about how they got their start in Hollywood, what it's like being an agent, and how they became friends with Tony Robbins. They also talk about what it was like growing up in the foster care system, how they met, and what it means to be a parent. Christine is a life coach and Joe is a standup comedian. They also discuss how to deal with depression and how to get over it. Christine talks about her experience with depression as a kid and how she overcame it to become a better version of herself. This episode is a must listen for anyone who has ever dealt with depression, anxiety, or is struggling to feel worth something in their life. Thank you so much to Christine and Joe for being honest with us and being vulnerable with us. We really appreciate it. Thank you for being vulnerable and open about your story. We hope you enjoy this episode and that it inspires you to go out there and do what you need to do to get your life on the right track. Love ya! xoxo, Joe and Christine xo Thanks for listening and supporting this podcast. Kristy and Joe XOXOXO Music: "The Man Show" by Jeff Perla and "The Boy Who Couldn't Do It" by The Girl Who Could Do It (featuring: "Goodbye" by Fountains of Wayne Parris & "The Girl Who Can Do It by The Man Who Can't Help It? by SONG (feat. by Mr. & The Girl With Atea (feat ) Thank You & "Thank You For This Song by: The Man Show by: "Ladies & The Boy Who Can Help Me" by: "By: Mr. & Mrs. "Puff and The Girl" by " by: Ms. & Mr. Cribbie ) and "I'll See You" by "Alyssa & The Lady" by Ms. (Mr. ( ) by "Mr. & Missed It ( ) and , " " by ( ) ( ) & . (Thank You, Mr. ( ? & " & Ms. ( ) ( and ( & ) & "I Can't Have It ( , " - Thank You)
00:02:40.000So somehow I got a desk like really early and started working for the head of TV packaging and quickly learned I did not want to be an agent.
00:04:12.000I was really young, got promoted really, really super young.
00:04:14.000And I was dating the head of a movie studio and I was living this amazing Hollywood life, like making a lot of money, going to the Oscars and Golden Globes, private jets, hanging out with celebrities.
00:05:52.000I got off the elevator and I just couldn't catch my breath and was looking at, there was a lot of weird painting and art in our office and I was looking at the weird photos and the one outside of my desk was this woman in a negligee who was nine months pregnant in this huge yard sale with a UFO light shining down on her about to take her up.
00:06:13.000And I'm looking at this painting and I'm like, I feel like that's me.
00:07:12.000I just felt confused and lost and like I didn't fit in and like chaos and it's all wrong and how did I get here and what is happening?
00:07:21.000Isn't it crazy that Hollywood has so many stories I mean not obviously not exactly like yours but so many stories of people who were rejected and who have decided they're gonna come here to prove something or to get the love that they need and what do they run into?
00:12:30.000Sneaky, like, passing around notes saying, I joined the I Hate Christine Club and, like, having everyone sign it.
00:12:36.000And just kind of quietly doing it behind my back and pulling all my friends away, where I think boys are just more aggressive.
00:12:44.000Like, they'll beat you up, they'll put you in lockers, they'll do that kind of thing.
00:12:48.000But I think it's just a power thing, and, you know, within every bully is a scared little boy or a little girl.
00:12:55.000So it's just, I think, how we're always...
00:12:58.000Not always, but so much of the time we're trying to compensate for something, you know, where we feel less than, where we feel insecure.
00:13:03.000We think if we can just have power over something or somebody else, that's going to make us feel better.
00:13:08.000There's also a thing that happens when, like, the I Hate Christine Club thing, where the other girls are probably like, I don't want to be on the end of that, so I'm going to join in.
00:13:17.000You get scared that they're gonna go after you next and you want to be on the mean team.
00:13:22.000I think that's what's going on with Donald Trump.
00:13:25.000I think that's a lot of the reason why people are with him and for him.
00:13:29.000He's so vindictive and mean and the way he goes after people.
00:13:34.000I think you see a lot of people support him and sort of like cower to him.
00:13:39.000Like, even that Megyn Kelly chick, who's a super brassy, badass ice princess, she did that interview with him after they had their little thing, when she sat down with him, and she was so, like, submissive.
00:15:09.000But I think that that, that is one of the reasons why people like are attracted to him because they don't want to be on his bad side.
00:15:16.000I think people are terrified of him, you know, super billionaire, very famous, big, powerful guy.
00:15:21.000I think there's a bunch of people that, like with this I Hate Christine club, if there was this one mean bitch that just wanted to go after you, there's probably a bunch of people that would want to side with her just because they're scared that she's going to turn on them and start going after them next.
00:16:15.000And it, I think, impacts our ability to really think clearly about something because we're just so scared and so threatened that we stop questioning.
00:18:34.000It doesn't represent what we think of the United States as.
00:18:36.000We think of the United States as being this unbelievable place of creativity and innovation and the greatest superpower the world's ever known and this This really progressive force for good in the world.
00:19:10.000I think we also needed to understand, because of the WikiLeaks revelations, how exactly politics is run, even with the people we think that are the good folks.
00:19:54.000It's just using your power and your influence and all the friends that you've made and all the years and all the favors and pulling it together.
00:20:00.000But now we're being exposed to it in a way that we haven't really since Watergate.
00:20:06.000Watergate gave us a little window, a tiny little window.
00:20:09.000But the access to information was so minuscule back then.
00:20:12.000We clung to those 15 minutes of whatever Watergate tapes, whatever it was, and we were like, look at this!
00:20:35.000I try to not engage too much in the grossness because it's just like, what's the point?
00:20:40.000I guess the point is to understand what the world really is about, what the structure of the government that looms over us is really all about.
00:21:17.000You're asking questions, and I think that's helpful.
00:21:20.000I think what so many people are doing are just getting mad and just trash-talking America and the candidates, and that doesn't do any good for anybody.
00:21:29.000If you want to ask questions and get involved and start to get curious, that's awesome.
00:21:36.000But I think too much of this has just been so emotionally driven that people are just getting upset and not really going, huh, what can I do?
00:21:47.000It's also people who are super psyched to get behind their candidate, their team.
00:21:53.000I gotta tell you, there's a lot of grossness on both sides, for sure.
00:21:58.000There's a lot of grossness on the Trump side.
00:22:00.000There's a lot of mean assholes that have finally found another mean asshole that's running for president, and they're pumped like he's one of them.
00:22:07.000But then there's a lot of men who are using hashtag I'm with her They're the grossest little fucking white knights.
00:22:14.000Oh my god, I've run across a few of them on Twitter.
00:22:54.000Yeah, it's like people who don't want you to think that they're a racist, so they go out of their way to discriminate against white people, other white people, when they're white.
00:23:03.000I read this thing where this woman was saying, if you are a white person, and you are up for a job, and you are up against a person of color, do, period, not, period, take that job.
00:24:06.000I think technology is going to enable, just like no one anticipated, you know, if you can go back to the first days of cameras, if you went back to the 1800s and they first had a camera, no one would have ever thought that in the lifespan of just,
00:24:22.000I mean, what was the first camera, Jamie?
00:24:25.000Like Civil War era was like the first cameras?
00:24:30.000No one would have ever thought that in two lifespans, which is essentially what it is from then to now, you would be able to send video to Australia instantaneously from something that slips into your pocket.
00:24:42.000It's pretty mind-blowing when you stop to think about how much we've seen in our lifetime.
00:24:47.000Yeah, I think we're just so used to it.
00:24:48.000We're so used to Google and the internet.
00:24:51.000When Hillary Clinton was telling, like, Donald Trump said something, and she's like, Google it.
00:24:58.000And I was like, how hilarious is that?
00:25:00.000Hillary Clinton is telling people to Google Donald Trump.
00:25:03.000Like, that's how beautiful access to information is today.
00:25:08.000I think we are a couple decades, maybe a little bit more, away from a completely new paradigm, a completely new way of accessing information.
00:25:19.000I think we're going to submit to something, whether it's a neural implant or some sort of augmented reality, and we're going to be able to read intention and thoughts.
00:25:30.000There's not going to be any lying in a hundred years.
00:25:48.000I mean, I just couldn't believe that in the first 20 minutes of the second debate, I had been out of the country for a month, which was so refreshing, and to come back and I watched it, and the first 20 minutes was just character slams.
00:26:04.000It was nothing about the issues or anything, and I was just like, what's happening?
00:26:09.000That doesn't make me happy like it doesn't make me feel like if he shits on her she shits on him and she she tears him down it doesn't make me feel like she's better I liked her in one of the debates because I didn't tune into it until the last like hour and he was saying a bunch of crazy shit and she would start laughing I was like that's how she should handle him yeah she should handle him like he's a child yeah like if she did that but she's fucking crazy too so another tangent Lots
00:27:45.000And then six months before my wedding, he dumped me cold turkey.
00:27:49.000So in that, you know, I know people listening have been through worse, but in that, like, span at 26 years old, losing my career and money and family and health and love, it was kind of like, this sucks.
00:28:05.000Honestly, a moment on my bathroom floor, which I don't know why I was on my bathroom floor, it was disgusting, but I was just laying there.
00:28:21.000Kind of insight, I guess you could say, of how much I was relating to everything as a total victim, as like everything was happening to me.
00:28:30.000And then it dawned on me, I'm the common denominator in like all of these situations.
00:28:36.000So either I have just really bad luck or I have some influence over this.
00:28:42.000And, again, like, it was just a teeny bit of an insight, but it was enough of a new perspective on my life that kind of got me off the bathroom floor and started to give me some kind of hope and started to make me realize I needed help and, like,
00:28:57.000the way I was doing my life wasn't going to work anymore.
00:29:00.000And so I found—I thought I was having a quarter-life crisis.
00:29:05.000And I found a book by that name and I read it and it was fine, but it wasn't going deep enough for me.
00:29:10.000So I decided to write a book about like my experience and everything I was learning and how I like was getting myself off my bathroom floor, I guess.
00:29:19.000And I was interviewing people for the book and they kept saying things to me like, can I set up a session with you?
00:30:13.000And it just sort of happened out of my own life and out of just Creating things that I thought would help people and people going, actually, this is really helping me and can I talk to you more?
00:30:23.000And that was, you know, a good 10, 11 years ago.
00:30:26.000If you push the mic forward a little bit more, it'll make the sound a little bit more consistent.
00:30:34.000Isn't that an interesting thing that it's oftentimes small choices that people make that dictate what happens to them in their life, but if you just decide that things are happening to you, you don't take any responsibility for any of the choices.
00:30:48.000That's, to me, the biggest difference from people who are able to change their life and people who don't.
00:30:55.000Is realizing that, yes, things happen, but we're not victims.
00:31:00.000And anything can happen, but the same exact thing can happen to you and I. And we can make different choices about what we make it mean and how we respond to it.
00:31:07.000And we're going to create different results based on that.
00:31:13.000It's truly, what are you going to choose to believe about it?
00:31:17.000And that's, to me, the key differentiator between Staying where you are and kind of regressing as you get older and just repeating your familiar patterns and more stubborn and all those things and you know just looking for those short-term bursts of happiness and like a trip or a bottle of wine or whatever versus like really getting clear about how you can change your life,
00:31:41.000what your purpose is, what brings you joy and like who you really are.
00:31:45.000There's a thing about life coaching, too, or any but—I mean, just forget that word—but the idea that you're dispensing advice or giving out inspiration or, you know, writing things down that have affected and helped and enhanced you, people want to dismiss that stuff.
00:32:05.000One of the best things about being a part of a community or being a part of a culture is that you get to look at all of the things that people have done that have benefited them and all of the positive choices that someone has made and you can learn and experience those without having to go through all their bullshit.
00:32:23.000You know, and there's a lot of things that I've learned from people, whether I've read things that they've said or listened to speeches that they've given about mistakes that they've made where I've come across a similar moment in my life.
00:32:38.000I think it's one of the best tools that we have.
00:32:43.000When it comes to improving and enhancing your own life, your own individual experience, is looking at all the different shit that other people have done.
00:32:52.000And it's a weird one because people dismiss it so easily.
00:32:56.000First of all, there's a certain amount of hubris and a certain amount of ego attached to it where they don't want to admit they have an issue.
00:33:05.000Or they don't want to admit they need help, or they don't want to admit that they need to be inspired, or they need some sort of motivation.
00:33:15.000Back to that whole, this life that I know is comfortable, I may not like it, but I'm so scared of uncertainty that I don't want to make the changes.
00:33:54.000Everything in this world has someone who's half-assing it.
00:33:57.000And the problem with that whole, the idea of being a life coach or being a motivational speaker is that there's not really like, you don't have to get a PhD to do it.
00:34:06.000You don't have to, you know, you don't have to like prove yourself.
00:34:09.000Like Mike has opened up 15 different businesses, so he's going to show you how to do a business.
00:34:13.000Like this guy's a successful businessman.
00:34:21.000And maybe that's not the worst thing in the world to be a failure because you've learned from those failures and maybe your achievement or your contribution is expressing those failures and your revelations from those failures and that could help somebody else not make those same mistakes.
00:34:36.000Yeah, I mean I think I've had a lot of so-called failures and mistakes.
00:35:28.000And devastations, anything devastating that happens to you in your life, while it's happening, you feel like, I don't know if I can take this.
00:35:35.000But then you get through it and you have this sort of enhanced perspective.
00:35:39.000We live in an amazing time where you can see, not that you should revel in other people's failures, but most of your failure is nothing in comparison to what's going on in Syria or a million different parts of the world that are just filled with fucking chaos.
00:35:59.000Most people can't see that because you see your life and your life is all you know and your life is falling apart.
00:36:44.000Probably shouldn't be happy all the time.
00:36:46.000There was actually, I think it was Scientific America or something like that, that had an article recently saying you're not going to be happy all the time and you shouldn't be.
00:37:20.000So instead of painting yourself as a victim, you paint yourself as someone who's present in the moment and just, okay, I don't want to do this anymore.
00:37:28.000And we don't, a lot of times we don't have the tools.
00:37:29.000And that's where things like life coaching and personal development come in handy.
00:37:33.000So we can go and get those tools instead of using our old coping mechanisms by like being strong or overing, overworking, over drinking, over, you know, jumping into a relationship, like whatever it may be.
00:37:44.000We don't really learn how to deal with disappointment, failure, anger, shame, any of those things.
00:37:50.000And so we're kind of left to these quick fix devices that, and I think that's a big reason addiction is such a problem, is because we don't really learn how to How to manage emotion and how to manage disappointment.
00:38:02.000And so we go for that thing that makes us feel better in the moment.
00:38:06.000But the problem is we have to keep upping the ante.
00:38:09.000At first, that one glass of wine does the trick, but then you need two, then you need three, then you need vodka, then you need whatever it may be.
00:38:17.000And so, I mean, why I'm so passionate about what I do is, first of all, I never thought I could be happy.
00:38:26.000I thought that this, you know, I was going to be depressed and I just was going to constantly be looking for something to fix me.
00:38:35.000I never really truly thought this life that I'm living now was possible.
00:38:41.000Again, externally things look fine, but internally I'm talking about a totally different kind of experience.
00:38:46.000And it's only because of those really awful moments, I call them expectation hangovers, that I was kind of desperate enough to let go of my normal coping mechanisms and my trying to control everything.
00:39:00.000It was like the ultimate in surrender, truly, of going, okay, I don't know.
00:39:05.000I need to find a different way to deal with this.
00:39:08.000And that's really what has led me down the path that I am today.
00:39:12.000So, you know, I think that life coaching and the personal transformation industry and all that, like you said, there's a lot of, what do you call them?
00:41:43.000It took a lot of the emotional work that I was doing with my coach, Mona, because so much of depression is suppression.
00:41:50.000When all that stuff was happening, I think I was pretty angry about it, but I had no outlet for that, especially as a girl.
00:41:57.000Like, boys, again, can go out and get stuff out.
00:41:59.000But a lot of times, and this is why I think so many women get irritable and bitchy and all those kind of things, is because women, we don't have, like, that outlet for anger.
00:43:03.000Again, this all comes from my own life experience and working with, gosh, thousands of people at this point.
00:43:09.000I see over and over again people that are depressed, shut down, have a lot of anxiety, not happy with their life, have...
00:43:18.000Some unprocessed thing from their past that just needs to move.
00:43:23.000And when I create this space for people to start to move that energy, it's like underneath there is creativity and passion and peace and freedom from anxiety and all that kind of stuff.
00:43:42.000He's looking at me like, who is this girl?
00:43:44.000So when people have that space to unleash that and to let the energy move through them, because I think there's a difference between emotion and feeling.
00:43:54.000So feelings to me are physiological responses to thoughts.
00:44:00.000So if I sit here and think about the future that I'm scared about, I'm going to feel anxiety.
00:44:08.000If I have like, oh my gosh, what if someone breaks into my house tonight?
00:44:28.000Someone close to us dies or we have a heartbreak, it's natural to feel the emotion of sadness.
00:44:33.000And I think that there's a lot of kind of misleading information about like, oh, we create all our feelings with our thoughts and we can just like affirm our way out of things and think our way out of things.
00:44:48.000But with some core emotions like anger, shame, sadness, I think we've got to feel them.
00:44:53.000And I think that that's what people are really scared of is actually kind of opening that box, opening that can of worms and going back and actually feeling those feelings.
00:45:03.000And so if you don't get them up and out in a healthy way, then...
00:45:07.000I think that's what creates a lot of suppression, a lot of depression, perhaps maybe even disease, things like that, because they just get stored in our body somewhere.
00:47:33.000And there's something about doing like the deeper work and kind of going to those scary places that takes a layer off of us.
00:47:43.000I think, I mean, it's, it's similar to plant medicine in a lot of ways of like going to those places where, that are kind of like, where you come out the other side and you have a deeper understanding of, of yourself.
00:47:57.000Um, So by doing something completely ridiculous and crazy and just letting loose and all the madness involved with it, it's almost like a reset for you.
00:48:07.000Yeah, and it's not, again, like, it's facilitated.
00:48:10.000It's not this crazy, you know, people going, you know, screaming.
00:48:35.000I think what is crazy is What makes people crazy is suppressing it their whole life and trying to manage it through their mind or through doing things or through whatever else versus actually like being willing to look at those parts of ourself.
00:48:51.000Because we're, you know, we're humans.
00:49:30.000So I had, you know, my coach at the time, who was really helpful, who's more than, again, my coach is such like a, I don't even know what to call her, she was...
00:50:33.000But I had kind of like reached my limit with it.
00:50:36.000And so I go to this woman's house and she's like totally stuck in 1985. Like her decor, her fashion, everything.
00:50:43.000And I sit down and I sit across from her and she didn't even see me in her normal office.
00:50:48.000I think she knew she needed to like totally get me out of my comfort zone.
00:50:51.000So she put me in her son's bedroom with like these race car bunk beds.
00:50:55.000And I'm sitting there on this race car bunk bed going, where am I? Like, how did I get here?
00:50:59.000And she walks in, she sits in front of me, and it was the first time in my life, and I felt loved by my parents, but this was the first time in my life I felt really seen.
00:51:19.000And although it was scary a little bit because I felt very vulnerable, there was something so reassuring about it because she was the first practitioner I had seen that didn't see me as broken.
00:51:36.000And she was the one that in so many ways helped me over the years get off the medication by teaching me how to release my emotions, by helping me understand that bad feelings aren't necessarily bad.
00:52:51.000I'm not here to give medical advice, so consult a doctor.
00:52:55.000But for me, it was number one, the belief that I could, and number two, finding the people that could really support me, and number three, making the lifestyle changes that I needed to make to support it and being willing to go to that dark scary place that I was afraid to go to.
00:53:15.000What do you mean by when you say that she was the first person who didn't see you as broken?
00:53:20.000What do you mean by they all saw you as broken?
00:53:26.000Well, I think when, you know, for me, when I would go to one of these doctors or therapists, I mean, they'd see that I was on medication since I was 10. And they kind of relate to me in that way.
00:54:03.000And maybe it was because like at the time I didn't believe it yet either.
00:54:05.000Maybe I needed someone who believed in it more than I Do you think that also the people that deal with people every day, whether you're a psychologist or a psychiatrist or whatever, that you're so inundated with people and their fucking problems that after a while you just become overwhelmed and it's very difficult to see people and have a fresh reset every time you see someone like,
00:54:25.000this is a new person, her name's Christine, hey Christine, what's going on with you?
00:54:40.000Even when I first started as a life coach and I saw person after person after person, I really had to learn not to take that on and not to let it drain me.
00:54:50.000So again, I have a lot of respect for...
00:54:53.000My mom's a therapist, so I have a lot of respect for therapists and psychiatrists who are very helpful to me.
00:54:58.000I just think for me, in my life journey and what I wanted, I just...
00:55:06.000I didn't want to spend the rest of my life medicated.
00:55:35.000But I think I probably weaned for a good six months and then it was like a year and a half until I felt like it was like cleared out of my system.
00:56:16.000Different people, like it's not a standard thing.
00:56:19.000Like different psychiatrists will tell you different things.
00:56:21.000So it depends on what dosage you're on, how long you've been on it, which medication you're on, what the side effects for it are, those kind of things.
00:56:28.000What does it feel like when you're first day, no pills?
00:57:01.000I had deeper access to my creativity, my intuition, And all those things were present, but there was just sort of like some white noise there.
00:57:12.000And I also like, for me, depression manifested as being incredibly self-critical, like super self-critical, like this very, very, very loud inner critic.
00:57:35.000So it's a place called the University of Santa Monica, and I didn't know anything about this place, but I had been a life coach, and I thought, okay, if I'm helping people with their life, I've got to know how to help them deal with their past.
00:57:55.000I thought if I could get a master's degree in psychology that would help me and that would be good for my career and all those things to have like some credentials.
00:58:02.000So I researched and I find this school and I didn't really know anything about it.
00:58:05.000I'm like this is great and the spiritual part didn't have anything to do with any religion or anything like that.
00:58:10.000It was more of the premise of you know That traditional psychology is kind of a little bit more about like labels and spiritual psychology is more people have the inner resources they need to heal.
00:58:23.000And I didn't, again, didn't know much about it.
00:58:25.000Show up at this school with my laptop thinking I'm going to like take notes and there's going to be lectures.
00:58:58.000But there's some kind of inner wisdom that I think all of us have access to.
00:59:03.000And this program really helped me get more access to that part of me so that I could start listening to that more than my old conditioning, my old belief systems, my old fears.
00:59:14.000Because when we're born, we're kind of this blank slate.
00:59:18.000And then stuff happens and we form these stories about our lives and who we are and how we get love and how we get validation and how we get acceptance and How life works and who we are and our identity.
00:59:31.000And we can change that story, but it takes work going back and deconstructing that story and letting go of some old beliefs that maybe we've hung on to to create a different one.
00:59:43.000So that's what so much of my journey has been about is kind of looking at what's the story I've created about my life and how can I change it?
00:59:53.000Because the story that I had was I'm depressed.
01:00:46.000Anyway, she was at the Comedy Store one night, and she was talking to Kelly, and I was talking to her, and she started going on about her future, all the things that she was going to do.
01:00:59.000She was going to be married within a year.
01:01:02.000She was going to have the career that she wants.
01:01:04.000She was going to do this and that and that and this.
01:01:46.000What they're trying to achieve is they're trying to, like, you take a photo of your dream house, you pin it on your wall, you take a photo of a Ferrari, you pin that on your wall.
01:04:46.000It takes being willing to, like, do some work and take some responsibility rather than just thinking the universe is Santa Claus and just was going to pop something into your life.
01:04:56.000I equate it to people that are morbidly obese that want a six-pack.
01:08:23.000I've had lots of training as a life coach, but my own life experiences have been the thing that's really given me the most credentials, I guess you could say.
01:08:32.000Well, your credentials are that you're actually happy.
01:08:39.000I've been able to create a life and a career and friendships and connection that, you know, I thought I no longer live that story of I hate Christine Club, I have great friends, great women friends, like all of that, you know, and that's, I'm no like different or more special than anybody.
01:09:55.000The number one thing where I start with people is having them really look at their relationship with themselves.
01:10:03.000Because when they come, they're like, oh, I'm fucked up or I need help.
01:10:07.000They're relating to themselves as if something's wrong with them and they're being really hard on themselves and they've kind of lost hope and lost belief in themselves.
01:10:16.000So the first thing is just like acceptance.
01:10:20.000Because I haven't liked everything that's happened to me, but one of the main ways I've been able to move through it is because I stopped fighting it.
01:11:42.000Well, a lot of times it's going back to a time in your life where you did take a chance or you did do something that was a stretch in some way.
01:11:50.000Like, everybody has times in their life where they've done something they weren't completely sure they could do, even if it's just a little thing.
01:11:58.000And everybody has that reference point they can go back to.
01:12:01.000But a lot of this show, like, honestly, a lot of it is taking a leap of faith.
01:12:06.000And I... I've taken a lot of those and I've wanted to know the answer and I've wanted to know like 100% that this would be guaranteed.
01:12:16.000Like if I take this leap of faith everything will work out and they haven't always been 100% guarantees.
01:12:21.000But it was in taking that leap and taking that chance and having a little faith that things started showing up and things started shifting and that's what started to create the evidence.
01:12:32.000And it's a tricky thing because I think people want evidence before they make change, but you have to start making these little changes to start having the evidence show up.
01:12:42.000I don't know if I answered your question.
01:12:46.000I've often said that very difficult tasks...
01:12:50.000Like anything that's difficult that you do, it gives you the confidence that you can overcome adversity.
01:12:57.000Whether it's a martial art thing or something along those lines or marathon running or anything, when you do something like that, these incremental changes happen where you push yourself through things, especially if you can achieve a goal.
01:13:10.000If you could set out to do something, you achieve that goal, like, I'm going to run a marathon by the end of this year.
01:13:15.000I don't know why I keep saying marathon, but you know what I'm saying.
01:15:27.000Thermacell is a device that a lot of people take when they go camping, things along those lines.
01:15:34.000It looks almost like a radio, and it has these little pads, and you slide these pads into this heating element, and this very fine mist comes out of this heating element.
01:15:45.000You can put it on the ground near you, and the bugs won't come within an 18-foot circle.
01:15:51.000Use it when you're hunting and you're in the woods because if you're in the woods, especially in Alaska or Alberta, I don't know if you've ever been to Alaska in the summer.
01:16:47.000But bugs don't want to have anything to do with it.
01:16:49.000Mosquitoes don't want to have anything to do with it.
01:16:51.000Without thermocels, like, hanging out in the woods, like, sitting in a spot, it's almost unbearable, unless you have mosquito netting, and you don't want to wear, like, all that mosquito bug spray stuff.
01:18:29.000He was telling me that there's certain odors that human beings have, and those odors enable people to understand whether or not they're genetically compatible with each other.
01:18:41.000There used to be, when we were kids, I used to always hear about couples taking blood tests to make sure that they could have babies together.
01:19:12.000But not compatible, obviously, personality-wise and all the other things that come into play.
01:19:17.000But Chris Ryan was saying that women can smell a man's clothes.
01:19:25.000You could literally smell their clothes and they would know whether or not they would be attracted to that person based on the smell that a person's getting.
01:19:38.000But literally, your body knows what's repulsive and what's not repulsive in terms of genetics based on someone's odor that they give off on their clothes.
01:19:48.000But what it didn't work is when they put women on the pill.
01:19:53.000So when they put women on the pill, they were no longer able to differentiate whether or not someone was genetically compatible by smelling them.
01:20:09.000So you're not in the natural rhythm of biology.
01:20:13.000Yeah, I think there's a natural feeling that women have when they're around a guy that they would breed with or a guy they wouldn't breed with.
01:20:51.000I mean, have you ever met someone and you're like, for whatever reason, I just don't want to be around this person.
01:20:56.000And then you find out years later that that person's fucking crazy or this or that.
01:21:01.000I think people give off indetectable in terms of what we classify as smells, but maybe these pheromones have some sort of a weird reaction to you.
01:21:11.000Birth control pills affect women's taste in men.
01:22:09.000Yeah, I would think that getting a bunch of people that are trying to get their life together and then having them all together, male and female, you run into these weird issues where they're trying to hook up.
01:22:20.000You can get really distracted and you can get, like, if there's some kind of attraction, you can forget what you're there for and get obsessed with someone and it can kind of throw off a thing.
01:22:57.000And so when you get a group of women together, a lot of times there is that comparison and judgment, and I can't trust, and da-da-da-da.
01:23:04.000And so it's important for women, I think, to gather together and kind of do work separately from when there's men there because there's something that is very healing just in that.
01:23:15.000And then there's a level of vulnerability that's possible when there aren't men there.
01:23:21.000Not to say that you can't be vulnerable with men there, but it's just a different dynamic.
01:23:32.000And I think one of the problems I see a lot in intimate relationships is that in a heterosexual relationship is that you expect this one person to be your everything.
01:23:41.000And you're not, you don't have a tribe and you don't have a community.
01:23:45.000You don't have friends of the opposite sex and the same sex that are fulfilling kind of these needs.
01:23:50.000We just project like this, my one person has to be my everything, my soulmate.
01:23:55.000And so, you know, having your community, whatever it may be, and having different friends, I think is super, super important to having a healthy relationship.
01:24:03.000Having friends, period, is super important.
01:24:05.000There's something that I tweeted today that I was reading about.
01:24:08.000They were talking about the role that genetics and family have in creating a personality and how much of an impact your peers have.
01:24:18.000And they think that your peers and the friends you choose have a bigger impact than anything in your life.
01:24:27.000I tweeted this morning, but it's one of those articles where you read it and you go, oh, that completely makes sense.
01:24:35.000A researcher argues that peers are much more important than parents, that psychologists underestimate the power of genetics, and that we have a lot to learn from Asian classrooms.
01:24:58.000But peers in general, I think choosing like-minded folks and choosing people that are on a good path, it helps support you and it supports them and you feed off of each other.
01:25:11.000And when the tribe does well, you do well.
01:27:09.000Like he wasn't just a jerk who decided, you know, I'm going to break up with this girl.
01:27:13.000Like there were ways I was showing up that were that.
01:27:16.000Like made him make the decision that he makes.
01:27:19.000So I think in any of those situations, friendship or relationship, you know, you don't want to go too far the other extreme and be like, oh my gosh, I'm a loser and think it's all your fault.
01:27:27.000But it's important to look at, geez, what's my part in this?
01:27:53.000I think that's a really good question because, I mean, how many people do you know that are in bad relationships continue talking about it but aren't doing anything about it?
01:28:08.000But a lot of times it's because it's familiar.
01:28:14.000Somebody said, you know, you get the love you think you deserve.
01:28:19.000And it may be easy for us looking outside going, oh my gosh, it's so easy.
01:28:23.000You should just leave this relationship.
01:28:25.000But a lot of times the person doesn't think they can do better, or maybe this is playing out some dynamic they had with their parent, or you sort of need to understand why you're in it before you can actually make the choice to get out of it.
01:28:37.000By the way, there's a lot of delusional people out there that are like, I deserve a lot more than I'm getting!
01:28:44.000What do you do when someone comes to you with unrealistic expectations or they don't want to see themselves like, you know, you tell them what they need to do or what they should consider and they argue with you about it.
01:28:56.000Well, I just really ask, like, is what you're doing working?
01:30:18.000And they haven't just given me advice.
01:30:21.000They haven't just given me motivation.
01:30:23.000They've really given me tools to heal and change.
01:30:27.000And that's what I try to do in my work with people is show them that A, it's possible and that you can do it and give them the tools to do it.
01:30:38.000Because that's going to last longer than any kind of like pep talk.
01:30:57.000And I mean part of it I think is a little delusional because I think a lot of men are way more vulnerable than they really think they are.
01:31:04.000But also there's just a different thing going through life I mean, there's that expression, the fair sex, but being a female, being a woman, means you're physically different.
01:31:42.000And it's something that, you know, I as a woman, like I'm always aware of it.
01:31:48.000Not always, but a lot of the time, you know, because I know that, like you said, I could get beaten up like it's between me and a man, he's probably gonna win.
01:31:59.000I mean, I'm pretty strong, but not that strong.
01:32:01.000And I think what's also beautiful about women and just the feminine in general is that vulnerability.
01:32:07.000But because like it sometimes doesn't feel safe, I think that's why a lot of women like kind of have a protective armor and are guarded and sometimes more in their like masculine energy in the world is because on some level we feel like we have to.
01:32:21.000And whereas that vulnerability really is the thing that makes us women in so many ways.
01:32:27.000And I think we confuse vulnerability with weakness.
01:32:31.000Because vulnerability to me is being open, being available, being soft, but not weak.
01:32:40.000Weakness to me is more about kind of going into the victim me and going into the poor pitiful me and the feeling sorry for and on all of those kinds of things.
01:32:50.000I think there's beautiful power in vulnerability.
01:32:51.000But when we're talking about just physical strength, yeah, I mean, for the most part, men have the advantage on that one.
01:33:07.000And I mean, especially in terms of, you know, the traditional way of looking at things, you know, masculine men are attracted to feminine women and feminine women are attracted to masculine men and we both need each other.
01:33:21.000But a lot of times, especially when you're dealing with damaged folks, Mm-hmm.
01:34:35.000You know, I see women emasculate men quite often, you know?
01:34:39.000Not maybe on like a huge scale to the degree you're talking about, but just like the little comments, like I'll be out with a couple and the woman will say something and it's kind of emasculating.
01:34:50.000But if the roles are reversed and the guy said something like that to the woman, I don't know if it would go over.
01:34:56.000You know, guys just kind of take it on sometimes.
01:35:02.000Well, a lot of men feel emasculated by society in general, just by the roles that they play in the office and just the physical act of going through life, this civilized world, and also constantly needing people's affirmation,
01:35:21.000And you sort of become what people want you to be, even if that's not what you want.
01:35:27.000You get in these relationships, and you see it all the time, where guys sort of accept a little bit, and then they accept more, and then they don't want to mess up.
01:35:36.000I have a bunch of friends that have really domineering, overbearing wives or girlfriends, and it's weird.
01:36:00.000It's very strange when you have someone in your life that's essentially like a parole officer.
01:36:05.000Someone in your life that gets to tell you what to do.
01:36:07.000And you're not allowed to do certain things.
01:36:09.000You're not allowed to watch certain things or like certain things.
01:36:12.000And they control you and they own you.
01:36:16.000I think a lot of these people that are doing that, much like the girl who bullied you or anybody who does that to someone, they do it out of fear, they do it out of insecurity, and they also do it out of this bizarre instinct because they can.
01:39:52.000I'd watch these almost sort of manic things.
01:39:55.000There would be these moments where she would be preparing for an audition, and she'd be hopeful, yet nervous.
01:40:02.000There was a lot of anxiety, and there was all this...
01:40:05.000Here's the thing, and the thing's going to go, and hopefully if this happens, this guy's connected to this, and that's going to happen with that.
01:40:40.000It's also, I think, for some people, choosing things that you do for a living that are healthy for you.
01:40:47.000I think there's a lot of people that get involved in careers that require too much of their time.
01:40:52.000You don't really want to do it, but you get caught up in it, whether it's being a lawyer or being a doctor or being something that has a prestigious title, where you feel like there's something great.
01:41:02.000But really, in the back of your mind, there's something else that you probably would be way happy doing.
01:41:41.000I love being there for that moment where someone has a major insight where they connect dots and it's like, whoa, a massive perspective shift and all of a sudden they start to kind of move a different direction.
01:42:11.000Now, how often is it when you talk to people, when you're trying to coach them and help them, and you realize, like, man, you've got to do something else?
01:42:21.000The thing about careers is not only is it eight hours of your time, but it also kind of defines you.
01:42:26.000So every day you're defined by whatever you do.
01:42:29.000And oftentimes, like we were talking about, like men in these workplace environments, they're sort of like they're boxed into this predetermined pattern of behavior that's expected from them.
01:42:39.000You know, they have shoes with tassels on them and ties.
01:42:42.000And they have to talk like, you know, business talk.
01:42:45.000It's like you fall into these weird patterns.
01:42:48.000And you lose a lot of your individuality inside those patterns because office life and, you know, human resources demand certain things of you.
01:42:57.000Like there's a certain, your personality, like when you're in an office environment, anytime you're in the corporate world, your personality is stuffed into this form.
01:43:34.000I go do a lot of corporate speaking and I have a lot of people come up to me afterwards and they're just like, oh my gosh.
01:43:41.000Because I talk about how we lose ourselves in these roles and how a lot of times our adult life becomes sort of just this...
01:43:51.000Checklist, follow Truman Show, one thing after the other, just follow this structure that was set out for us that we never checked in and said, do I want this?
01:44:01.000So to answer your question, yes, a lot of times when people come or I'm working with people, it is looking at, is this career right for you?
01:44:26.000I firmly really believe that the vast majority of people that are living the American dream, living that life, doing that 9 to 5, the vast majority of them are fucking horrifically miserable.
01:45:21.000Is it what is going to start making me feel like, you know, I'm creative and I matter and I'm more than just this role as husband, wife, mother, father, corporate, executive, whatever it is.
01:45:33.000So I think that's a good place to start is something small you can do to make you feel alive again because anybody has access to that.
01:45:39.000You don't have to leave your job To start creating some things in your life that can start to shift things.
01:45:45.000And then, like we were talking about, then it's like the gradual change, you know?
01:45:48.000Because I don't think it's possible for most people just to quit their job tomorrow.
01:46:51.000I'll do a podcast for three hours and I'll do a bunch of other stuff and I'm trying to fit in things in my day and I have a pretty loose schedule.
01:46:59.000I mean, I do a lot of things, but it's pretty loose, you know?
01:47:02.000Like, today I did UFC stuff for a couple hours this morning, and then I come here for a few hours, then I gotta work out, then I'll tell some jokes.
01:47:10.000But there's a lot of, like, movement in there.
01:47:13.000There's a lot of time where I can get shit done.
01:48:29.000And even when I was going to college, I was only going to college, I went to Boston University, or UMass, rather, in Boston.
01:48:35.000And the only reason why I went is because I didn't want anybody to think I was a loser.
01:48:40.000So I was taking classes at UMass, and I was teaching Taekwondo at Boston University, which was like a really good school.
01:48:49.000I was looking at all these people that were preparing for life, and to me it was like, you're gonna go get eaten by alligators or something.
01:49:01.000For whatever fucked up thing that was wrong in my head, I would way rather get up in the morning and deliver newspapers for three hours a day, or drive limos at night.
01:51:08.000Obviously, she's got a healthier environment than I grew up in, so it's not a matter of not ever wanting to be connected to anything permanent because nothing is permanent.
01:51:19.000That was part of, I think, the lessons from my childhood.
01:51:42.000I have this nomad shit in me that I'm constantly trying to manage.
01:51:52.000As much as people like to take credit for a certain amount of success, I can tell you all the different things that I did that led to me being successful at things, but almost it's like the function of a mental issue.
01:52:05.000A lot of it is a function of learning how to manage a brain that doesn't work like everybody else's brain.
01:52:35.000Survival skills, compensatory strategies, whatever they are, they have their positives, they have ways that they really help us, but then they have the ways that kind of torture us in a lot of ways.
01:52:45.000And I think growth is really about understanding what are the ways that this isn't doing me any good, and how can I be mindful of it?
01:52:52.000And also, like, you know, how do I know now that, like, that now is not then?
01:52:59.000Like, how do I, you know, stop being activated by old experiences in my past And just have peace for where I am now and take those gifts from the obsession that's made you successful but not have the parts that kind of torture you at the same time.
01:53:30.000And I have three jobs and a fucking ton of obsessions outside of those jobs.
01:53:36.000Martial arts, archery, reading and writing and all sorts of other stuff on top of podcasting, doing the commentary for the UFC, doing stand-up comedy.
01:55:16.000Like, that's, you know, I think that they're back to the acceptance thing.
01:55:21.000There's a lot of ways I think we're supposed to be.
01:55:23.000We look at other people and how they do their life or whatever, and we think that because we're acting this way, something must be wrong with us.
01:55:44.000I'd get anxiety if I had to talk, and I'd get anxiety if I had to talk to a bank teller.
01:55:50.000Like, if I had to wait in line to go to the bank teller, I'd start freaking out, like, on my way to the bank teller.
01:55:55.000And, like, if you talk to, like, people who knew me from high school, and they'll go, uh, did you ever think that Joe was going to be a comedian?
01:56:32.000I want to try to see what connections you've made, what definitions you've fallen on, how you've defined this world, how you've categorized things and how you're managing it, how you're maneuvering through it.
01:56:58.000And whether or not they're empowering or whether or not you're a woe is me type person, you know?
01:57:04.000And what are the puzzle pieces that have led to where you are?
01:57:07.000And I love that you're sharing this because I think a lot of people can see you and see your success and everything that you have and think you're always like this and that it's just been easy because this is, you know, you're always like this.
01:57:18.000But to know you had that background and you had the social anxiety and this is like such a stretch.
01:57:24.000I think it's really inspiring because it gives people—it's like, oh, you can't—you can no longer argue that, you know, you're just born a certain way and, like, that's just the way you are.
01:57:35.000Like, you're proof that you actually can change and you can get over things and you can create things that, you know, you probably didn't think were possible when you were 10 or however old you were when you were going through all that stuff.
01:57:49.000People have different starting points.
01:57:51.000It's like I was saying that if you want to climb Mount Everest, good luck if you're starting from Santa Monica.
01:57:55.000You've got to fucking walk all the way to Tibet.
01:58:09.000You know, it's still not easy, but it's easier.
01:58:12.000And I think there's a lot of people that start, you know, in the metaphoric Santa Monica with their life.
01:58:19.000They're really far away from their goal.
01:58:21.000It doesn't mean it's not possible, but it means there's a bunch of steps, whether they're conscious or unconscious, that you're going to have to make in order to get to a position.
01:58:30.000And I still remember fucking freaking out going to a bank teller.
01:59:31.000First of all, I was gifted physically and then also this crazy brain of mine if I could point it to something like I would work out at 3 o'clock in the morning because I knew nobody else would I knew they weren't there so I had keys to the gym so because I was teaching so I would go there I'd wake up and I would drive down to the gym and And I'd open it up in the middle of the night and put in a workout because I knew that no one else was doing that.
02:00:22.000I probably barely knew who was president.
02:00:24.000I didn't know a goddamn thing about the world.
02:00:27.000I wasn't reading shit unless it was like some samurai book on philosophy and combat.
02:00:33.000Like that was all I was obsessed with.
02:00:35.000And that's when I also got into Anthony Robbins, somewhere around that too.
02:00:39.000But I was interested in things that would give me an edge, personal development stuff that would give me an edge.
02:00:45.000And then through doing martial arts, and then also through teaching.
02:00:49.000I think that was a big one, was teaching classes And then teaching at BU was big, too, because when I was teaching at Boston University, I was teaching an actual class.
02:00:59.000At that time, I had won the US Open, I had won a bunch of different tournaments, and I was doing really well as a fighter, as a martial arts competitor.
02:01:12.000So they had a Taekwondo program at BU, and I was teaching it.
02:01:17.000And I'd have to address the whole class, but I would address the whole class as something that I was really good at.
02:01:22.000Like, I knew I could demonstrate to them some movements and stuff like that.
02:01:33.000Like, I was confident in what I was saying there.
02:01:37.000And it was like the only time in my life that I could remember being confident And telling people something.
02:01:43.000It's like, I would describe how you do it, this is how you do it, and I'll show you how to do it here.
02:01:47.000But this is how it needs to be done, and this is why, and this is what happens when you do it, and this is what's involved in the mechanisms of your body.
02:02:45.000And there's also an expression that I love to use that martial arts are a vehicle for developing your human potential because it's so difficult and it's so terrifying.
02:02:53.000And then the idea of competing and the physical consequences are so devastating if you get hit that you can't half-ass it.
02:03:05.000You have to really pursue this thing with An insanity, like an incredible intensity.
02:03:12.000And then through that, you realize, oh, I could do that.
02:03:14.000And then from doing that, you kind of realize, well, what if I apply that to writing a book or doing that or learning how to do something else?
02:04:22.000But one of the things he and I were talking about, he gave me this number about, what did he say, like 7% of people or something like that do things that are creative with their life?
02:05:08.000You all put things together with your mind.
02:05:10.000But somewhere along the line, We're stuffed into this structure that doesn't serve us.
02:05:16.000And we feel like we have to do it because we've been shuffled through school and into college, and then we're in debt, and then we have to take opportunities, and these opportunities is a good opportunity.
02:05:32.000And to go back to what you were saying earlier, these systems that we've built are so antiquated and so outdated from politics to the school system.
02:05:46.000We're seeing it start to, I think, the way we educate kids, the way we relate to ADD and all these things.
02:05:52.000I think so much of ADD is the current system and the way kids are confined in this classroom and have to follow these rules and sit still all day.
02:06:35.000And like, will I be able to make money this way?
02:06:37.000And we just get so disconnected from that childlike creativity and wonderment and curiosity and kind of no fear and faith in ourselves that we just get stuck in this kind of checklist.
02:06:56.000I think there's another thing that we need to consider, and this is really important to people that are like, well, this is bullshit dreamer talk.
02:07:04.000That corporate world's only been around for less than 100 years.
02:07:08.000This is a new thing in modern life, and modern life is new in terms of the length of time human beings have been alive.
02:07:18.000This is a new thing and it doesn't serve us.
02:07:21.000And maybe with technological innovation and robots and automation and all the different shit that's coming down the line, maybe there'll be less and less opportunities for you to work a slave job and you'll have to do something creative.
02:08:21.000I don't understand, like, why do I have to be there from 9 to 5 if I can, like, get this done at home, you know, at a certain amount of time?
02:08:26.000And a lot more of them are starting their own businesses and doing the more traditional path.
02:08:31.000So I think we're already starting to see it change because we have a generation that's huge.
02:08:37.000I mean, the millennial generation is ginormous.
02:08:39.000And they're demanding different things from work and making different choices already.
02:08:46.000Yeah, I also think another thing that's bullshit is the amount of time that's required to make a living just to survive.
02:08:52.000I mean, how many people are barely being able to feed themselves and house themselves and they're giving up their entire day and their entire week?
02:09:02.000And you get, if you're lucky, you get that Saturday, Sunday off.
02:09:06.000But most of the time on Saturday and Sunday, if you have an office job, you have some shit that you brought home with you that you have to sort through.
02:09:13.000Yeah, that, it's, the whole payment system's crazy.
02:09:49.000I had this conversation with this woman who's like this staunch Republican who was telling me that the minimum wage- That must have been fun.
02:10:50.000And I wonder what's going to happen with automation and with, you know, they're talking about A tremendous amount of jobs that are being done right now by people that are going to be done by robots.
02:11:05.000Yeah, so it's even more important to nurture your creativity and know what you can do besides rely on the man or the corporation or whatever it is.
02:11:13.000Because I think a lot of people think that safety and economic security is in that, is in working for someone else.
02:12:43.000But, I keep doing it, and every time I do it, it gets better.
02:12:47.000If I keep doing it, and I keep focusing on it, and all that terror and fear of taking that chance, It makes makes me get better at it and that's a pretty minor thing because it's not like that much financial concern and I'll be okay But for someone to take a chance Financially and take a chance their future and they don't really know what what the future holds It's not like they have all these things to fall back on That's when you fucking dig in exactly that's when you make things happen.
02:13:14.000Yeah, like and if you don't you just you just you You just stay soft and lazy.
02:14:07.000It's like, I want to get to the second floor, I'm at the bottom of a staircase, and I think I just have to jump to get there.
02:14:13.000No, you go step by step by step, just like you'd walk up a staircase.
02:14:17.000So you don't have to know it all at once.
02:14:19.000It's just taking that first step, and then that leads to another, and that leads to another.
02:14:22.000And like you said, it's those scary moments where you find your grit, and you find your potential, and you find out how you respond to adversity, and you find your true gifts, and you can only do that in uncertainty and when you're uncomfortable.
02:14:33.000Maybe you should be a clarity advisor.
02:14:55.000You know, one thing that I tell people that I think is really important and it's helped me a lot is write the things down that you need to do.
02:15:51.000But that is one that has been incredibly beneficial to me is writing things down and making a list and forcing myself to check all the shit off that's on that list.
02:16:00.000Yeah, and doing the things you don't always feel like doing.
02:16:12.000Making these kind of changes, you have to build momentum.
02:16:15.000And if you have that checklist and you're doing that one thing every day, and maybe the first thing you're going to do is commit to making a list every day.
02:17:06.000And also, there's a thing that people have to be aware of, and that is the trap of falling back into old patterns because they offer you comfort.
02:17:15.000That happens to a lot of people that want to lose weight.
02:17:19.000They start off good, they start losing weight, they start looking great, and then somewhere along the line, that old pattern calls to them.
02:17:28.000They say, listen, I'm a fucking donut, man.
02:17:38.000And it's really common for people, whether it's cigarette smoking or fill in the blank, whatever it is, old patterns are really hard.
02:17:47.000They're really hard to avoid because they offer some sort of bizarre comfort.
02:17:52.000Yeah, they're like coping strategies in so many ways.
02:17:55.000I mean, so many people eat or smoke or whatever for comfort or to self-soothe themselves.
02:18:01.000And so they can make a New Year's resolution and lose the weight.
02:18:05.000And then if they haven't found another way to cope with life when things get hard or...
02:18:12.000Someone upsets them or whatever, they're going to turn to that old coping device because they haven't dealt with the issue underneath what made them overeat or drink or smoke in the first place.
02:18:24.000And it's also when you're filled with angst and all these things are fucked up in your life, there's something about those old patterns that give you a big hug.