It's legalizing day one in Colorado and the boys are here to talk about it. They talk about their first day of legalization, how it's going to affect them, and what they're looking forward to in the future. They also discuss Bill Burr's hilarious stand-up set at the Comedy Cellar, and how they ended up doing a live show in front of a live audience. It was a night full of laughs and a lot of tears, which is what you get when you're in the middle of a comedy set and you get to be on stage with Bill Burr. It's a special kind of night that you don't want to miss. Also, the boys talk about how hard it was being on stage at the comedy Cellar and how much fun it was to do it, and why they're glad it's legal in Colorado now. And of course, there's a little bit of pot talk at the end of the episode. The boys also talk about what they've been up to since the legalization of pot in Colorado, and some of their favorite moments from last night's comedy set. Enjoy the episode, and stay tuned for Part 2 of the pot talk in the next episode! Stay tuned for part two of this episode next Tuesday! P.S. Don't forget to subscribe to stay up to date with what's going on in the world of comedy and standup comedy! . Cheers, EJ & the boys! -The EJ Crews -Jon & Matt Jon & the EJ Gang Mike & the Crew The EJG Crews -Jon and the Crews Crews Podcast Ben & the crew Jason and the crew at the Cannabis Pod & the rest of the Crew at the JUICY Crew - The Crew at The JOKER Podcast - Jon and the team at the Crenshaw Project and The Crews at the Bowery Project - John and the guys at the Coffee Roasters - Ben and the rest at the Pizzi's Coffee Roasting Company - and the Ewing's Place - and so much more! - and much more. - and we hope you enjoy it! and we'll see you next week! Jon and Matt at the Caf n Gynning House! And we'll be back next week with a new episode of The Good Life Podcast!
00:03:32.000We're just sort of sorting that out now.
00:03:34.000Like, there's microphones that were there, and, you know, there's people that we had asked to come that were kind of waiting to get on, and then other people just sort of walked in and got on.
00:04:55.000What Bill was doing, I think, I don't know, I was pretty fucked up at this time.
00:04:59.000But he was disassembling what is this elitist liberal movement, which is, if you don't agree with me, you're a racist, rape apologist, sexist.
00:05:35.000I think I might have accidentally started a little bit of it because I said, look, all you have to realize is there's just a disenfranchised part of America that feels like they're not being represented.
00:05:44.000And then immediately, I think Sarah jumped on me and she was like, oh, you're talking about the racists?
00:05:53.000And by the way, I voted for fucking Hillary.
00:05:55.000So I'm just saying what I'm noticing out of an election...
00:05:59.000But I thought it was good of her to stand her ground and to say her point and not try to backpedal, and I appreciate that.
00:06:08.000Well, you know, the problem is, the problem with that saying that anybody that voted for Trump is a racist, the real problem with that is because the only other alternative was Hillary, and Hillary was very flawed.
00:06:20.000It's not an anti-woman thing to think that someone who has all the ties to corruption that she apparently does.
00:06:28.000I mean, you can go into it all day long if you want to.
00:06:30.000If you want to, like, look at the Clinton Foundation or any of the other crazy shit that those people are involved with, it's kind of legal, you know?
00:06:37.000I mean, it's not really breaking any laws.
00:06:40.000It's like, you can get away with doing all that stuff.
00:06:42.000But all of it is like, oh, like, deleted emails and all that.
00:06:48.000Yeah, and I think there was a large portion of America who just didn't want to share their opinion because they didn't want to be called a name.
00:06:56.000There's real concerns, too, and people don't want to say this.
00:06:59.000There's real concerns about her health.
00:07:36.000And she was so much more eloquent and so much better economy of words.
00:07:42.000The problem is, it's just, it's so hard to trust that she's telling you the truth.
00:07:49.000You know, there's just too many things that she's been, like the difference between that Comey guy, what he said she had done with her email, and what she said she had done, and you play them back and forth.
00:07:57.000You ever seen the video where they do that?
00:08:00.000You know, what he says is very different than her descriptions of what he says.
00:08:04.000You know, what he says is like, she violated some laws.
00:08:07.000And what most people thought in the, apparently in the FBI, it's one of the things that people got upset at Comey, apparently, from this article I read at least.
00:08:15.000They were saying that the people in the FBI were very disappointed because they thought that he should have pressed charges.
00:08:21.000They thought that when they looked at all the evidence and all the stuff that he talked about, that he admitted that she had done that you can't do with classified data, she had violated all these laws.
00:08:30.000Like, if you were a regular person, if you were a regular enlisted person, and you violated those same amount of laws, dude, you'd be fucked.
00:08:52.000At least some of them after a subpoena.
00:08:54.000I didn't know it was after a subpoena.
00:08:56.000Find out how many emails she deleted after the subpoena.
00:09:01.000I don't know you know the absolute specifics of it, but it's just it's my point is it wasn't like she was this awesome alternative You know so people that wanted change And they felt like what Hillary represented is a part of that big system as well as she says her words and is Stately she is and she's a much better representative of America in some ways than he is yeah,
00:09:26.000but she's just too tied to corruption and All the stuff that she's done, all the experience she has in government, all that should be in her favor.
00:09:37.000But for a lot of people, it wasn't this time.
00:09:39.000For a lot of people, they're like, this government is just too intertwined with these businesses that support it and pay it money, and they're going to all these different foreign countries and getting paid exorbitant sums of money to talk.
00:09:53.000It's like Bill Clinton was getting like half a million dollars to fly to these countries that have all these serious civil rights violations on their people.
00:10:04.000Yeah, there was something that Clinton had done where he kept trying to push this one through.
00:10:13.000Dictatorship that he wanted to go into he wanted to go and do speeches and they were like no You can't go there like that.
00:10:20.000We're not supposed to visit that place these people are doing Things we don't look we don't agree with and he's like yeah Yeah, I got to go over there and I'm gonna do a speech.
00:10:27.000So let's just try to get like he just wanted to do that speech He just wanted that cheddar That's, I think it's, what's interesting to me now is the population, on Twitter at least, of people, my friends, that voted for Hillary that are now just saying,
00:10:46.000fuck the rest of the country, fuck, I'm out, this sucks.
00:13:25.000By the way, do you know how difficult that would be?
00:13:27.000I have 33 unopened emails, 33,000 unopened emails on my thing, and sometimes I try, it's just like spam, and I try to clean it out, and it's a fucking nightmare.
00:18:35.000The whole thing, the thing that I'm stuck with in stand-up is like, especially doing my next hour, is like, we get caught up into these, and I was talking to Justin Enbrook about this, we get caught up in these mechanisms of this is what we have to do.
00:18:46.000There was a period where every comic had to have a sweatshirt, New Balance sneakers, a hoodie, you know, and everyone did the same thing, and then you see someone like Judah Freelander doing something totally different, and you're like, oh, fuck, that really separates itself from the pack.
00:18:59.000But you, I... My only problem is like, and I've talked to, I've thought about this, and I've talked to you about it, is I don't have to do stand-up every time with my fucking shirt off.
00:19:10.000Like, I don't need to have my shirt off to do stand-up.
00:21:56.000I like to just be on the fly and riffing, because I think the adrenaline of the stage makes me think quicker.
00:22:03.000And then a lot of times what I'll do is I'll write on stage, and I will go for the easier punchline, meaning the premise will be good, and sometimes I won't have the perfect punchline, but I go, oh, that could be so much fucking better.
00:23:15.000And then you have it, and you're like, and there was a date the other night, and I'm like, 53 minutes into my set, and someone's like, you're telling the story, right?
00:25:43.000When you said that to me, I was like, I remember thinking like, I go up all the time, but I was wrong.
00:25:49.000I was lying to myself, because I was going up once, twice, twice a month, doing two dates out of the month, but there was a whole portion of the month where I wasn't working, and I wasn't writing.
00:26:38.000And I'm only home, you know, three days a week, but if I'm going up twice a week or at least once a week, you really feel the difference in your act.
00:27:13.000You do a set in one place, and you get sort of a vibe of what comedy is.
00:27:16.000Then you're in a set of just completely different energy in the room, completely different vibe of the people, and then, all right, bye, folks.
00:27:22.000And then you run over and do a different set, and now it's a totally different vibe as well.
00:27:26.000And mostly, I was going up with the same material, so it was real strange.
00:27:31.000There's different feels to different places and different crowds.
00:27:35.000When Joey was getting ready for his hour, he was hitting it.
00:33:26.000I don't hate either of them, so I'm sure to the average viewer who maybe doesn't know Sarah but loves Bill, they're like, why would you disagree with him?
00:34:18.000Oh, I know how they found that unlisted video, because every one of us tweeted the link to the video on our Facebook live pages, or our Facebook pages.
00:35:08.000Doug was telling the story about Bingo having a seizure and hitting her head, and Brendan goes, I've had a few girlfriends have seizures when they don't cook the food right.
00:37:35.000It's good because he's gonna do some goofy shit.
00:37:37.000He's gonna say some ridiculous things.
00:37:39.000I mean, right now, if you said something, like, I like to go up and grab a woman by the pussies, everyone would be like, that has to be acceptable because half of America is not offended by that.
00:37:53.000I'm a believer in that the president, in a lot of ways, shapes the mindset of the country.
00:38:00.000Because it's just a natural thing that happens in tribes.
00:38:03.000You know, if you have one fierce tribal leader in a tribe, I guarantee you the warriors that are in that tribe will also be fierce.
00:38:10.000Because they'll be under the guidance of the one wild fucking guy.
00:38:14.000I mean, that's how fierce armies get put together.
00:38:18.000You have to have a badass fucking general.
00:38:21.000Well, when your president is this guy who rarely gets riled up about anything, he's not emotional at all, he's super articulate, and really well-spoken, and he's a great orator, that's Barack Obama, right?
00:38:32.000I mean, that's what you would think of when you think of a presidential person.
00:38:36.000He's probably the most presidential guy we've ever had as president.
00:41:15.000But he was on stage doing some speech and he started talking about how Wouldn't it be, if we were attacked by some sort of an alien invader for another planet, wouldn't it be easy for us to abandon all of our differences and join together as one race to face this alien threat?
00:41:38.000And everybody was like, what the fuck did he just say?
00:41:40.000Did the fucking president just say there's aliens?
00:41:54.000And it was one of those conspiracy theorist dreams where someone, you know, like me or like Eddie Bravo would fucking look at it and go, dude, you hear what he just said there?
00:46:41.000I love that your rabbit holes take you to a Ronald Reagan speech, and mine always take me to either stop being a douchebag videos or bully justice, like those instant karma.
00:46:55.000I like watching little kids fight, like when one kid actually knows how to fight in high school.
00:47:02.000There's this one girl, and she's in this fight with this...
00:47:05.000I don't know if she's in a fight with a dude?
00:47:06.000She might have been in a fight with a dude, but she's in some wrestling match with this kid, and she clearly knows Muay Thai, because she fucking knees him in the face.
00:47:15.000Like, full fucking power, really good technique, crushes this dude, crumples him.
00:51:16.000You do something stupid because you think you're a tough guy and you think you're going to intimidate him and he just leg kicks you and you realize like, oh, good lord.
00:51:24.000Then he starts beating the shit out of you.
00:51:26.000Slowly, whenever he wants to, he hits you.
00:51:29.000You could find yourself in a terrible situation.
00:51:32.000I don't even understand those guys who just simply talk disrespectful to someone.
00:51:37.000Like, that'll happen when you're with, like, as a comic and you're on the road, you're at a bar, and someone's a fan of yours, and another guy's a fan of yours, you'll watch them almost, like, attack, like one guy, the drunkest, will be a dick, and be like, oh, I guess we're all just gonna sit up at the bar.
00:51:51.000And you're like, hey man, don't do that.
00:52:44.000I've heard people do that, and I tell them that it's a line, and then they just stand there, and I take the picture with the person who's at the front of the line, and they go, can we go now?
00:53:15.000She just fucking cut the line in front of that guy.
00:53:17.000Dude, we were getting on, I was on my buddy Cowhead's cruise, and we were getting back on the boat from St. Thomas, and there was a line to get back on the boat, but it wasn't a defined line.
00:53:29.000It was just people, like three wide, four wide, sometimes two wide, lining up down the side of the pier, and there were people just walking past the line.
00:53:37.000And I would be like, hey, there's a line, and he'd be like, oh, no, no, yeah, yeah, yeah, and just keep walking.
00:56:20.000Football's a combat sport, in my opinion.
00:56:22.000You know, it's not a combat sport where you're hitting each other all the time with punches and kicks, but you're running into each other full blast.
00:57:17.000But if you're next to the wrong person ever in life in a live setting, whether it's a comedy club or a concert, you could be next to the wrong fucking person and they could ruin the experience.
00:57:28.000We were behind, we were in front of the wrong person on one game.
00:57:31.000It was just this guy in all Raiders gear and he just kept saying to people, how long you been a Rams fan, huh?
00:58:48.000I just think football in general and combat sports in general, you get a bunch of men together and you give them booze, shit's gonna go wrong.
00:58:56.000And if you're only telling me there's only one way to get out of there, that's not in my book of safe places to be.
00:59:17.000Like, I remember a dude, a fight broke out, and the cops went into the stands from the field to get the guy, and the fans kicked the cops out of the stands.
00:59:32.000And they had the guy, and the fans pulled the guy back into the stadium and pushed the cops onto the grass, and the cops just were like, I guess that guy's going free.
01:00:05.000With these paper airplanes, but they were, I mean, out of cardboard.
01:00:08.000And people were turning them into paper airplanes, but they were flying, like, fucking...
01:00:12.000And it hit the guy in the eye, like, three rows in front of me, and he just doubled over and walked out, and I was like, that guy might have just lost a fucking eye for an XFL game.
01:00:22.000I was like, I got recognized a lot there too.
01:03:52.000When you're scrambling, if, you know, you move that way and that's where he was going to put his knee, ka-plonk, you just fucking collide with each other.
01:04:37.000You know, like if you're not worried about getting tapped or you're not worried about getting into a bad position, you'll relax and sort of go with the flow of things.
01:04:43.000And when you find like a certain level of efficiency, then you can operate and you can roll for like long times.
01:04:49.000I've had rolls with people that were like 10, 15 minutes long, even longer.
01:04:53.000Because if you get to a good place where you can kind of conserve your energy and you're both, you know, moving at a good pace but keeping it really technical, It's an amazing martial arts.
01:05:05.000To me, it's one of the only martial arts that does as advertised.
01:05:10.000When you look at martial arts, you always think of what I would like is some Bruce Lee type scenario where the small guy could beat up everybody around him.
01:05:20.000Well, striking, that really doesn't work like that.
01:05:38.000If Brock Lesnar rolled, like if he did jujitsu with a guy like Gary Tonin, who just won the EBI this past weekend, he won the heavyweight division.
01:05:48.000He's a 169-pound, I think it is, champion, and he went up and he won the heavyweight division.
01:05:53.000He went 205, I guess, is the weight class.
01:05:56.000But that guy would choke out Brock Lesnar, most likely.
01:05:59.000So Brock Lesnar, when he's fighting, he's not doing jiu-jitsu?
01:06:03.000He does jiu-jitsu, and he's fucking gigantic.
01:08:07.000It has to be someone of commensurate achievement in jiu-jitsu.
01:08:13.000You have to get it from one of the great masters.
01:08:16.000There's a bunch of great masters out there like Henzo Gracie, Hoist Gracie, you know, there's like the old guard too, like Hickson, of course.
01:08:26.000If Hickson gives you your coral belt, he gave John Jacques Machado his coral belt.
01:08:30.000That just doesn't get any more prestigious.
01:08:42.000He was also instrumental in making certain techniques work in MMA because John Jack was born with one hand is deformed and all he has is a thumb on his left hand.
01:10:15.000When it comes to jiu-jitsu, that guy has a crazy database of information in his head when it comes to jiu-jitsu moves.
01:10:24.000And a lot of it he learned because he learned John Jacques, at least the base of his style, which John Jacques developed because he couldn't grab onto things.
01:12:01.000When they connect with your jaw and your jaw, like, displaces...
01:12:05.000All that energy on that pivot of your jaw and the brain stem and your spine and whatever fuck is getting damaged in there when your jaw is rattling around against the side of your head.
01:12:40.000But I've, of course, seen every variety of that, and sometimes you'll see a guy get shut off with a punch, like someone will just hit someone with a perfect punch.
01:12:49.000Like, you remember when Manny Pacquiao fought Juan Manuel Marquez the last fight?
01:13:44.000I never got hit and had that happen to me, but having that halfway thing happen where your legs just stop, but you're awake and you know exactly what happened, it's such a weird feeling of vulnerability.
01:13:53.000Like, I didn't even know that was there.
01:16:45.000I don't even know if my parents called me.
01:16:47.000Like, I look back at that and I go, I wonder if they, like, as a parent of a 12-year-old, I would lose my shit if my kid was in Philadelphia and she got a concussion.
01:19:33.000I went to camp with these kids that tied this kid up.
01:19:35.000They tied this kid up in his bed and they took his bunk, his little cot, he had a little cot, and they carried it out and he woke up as they were taking him outside.
01:22:48.000They're not doing it on purpose, but their brain's going...
01:22:51.000That's the the real debate when it comes to like when Neuroscientists try to analyze different types of behavior destructive behaviors What when you can look at any type of horrible destructive behavior You get to that one where you literally don't even want to help them.
01:23:58.000But I think human beings are just a combination of experiences and genetics and an environment and all the data that comes into them and The decisions that you make based on all those things they're not even like your your life experience is way different than my life experience and I don't know what happened to him when he was a baby and made him this monster this 45 year old guy who was Jared Yeah,
01:24:38.000What is it about that one thing in particular that we don't have any faith whatsoever that you can ever completely get it out of your system?
01:25:04.000That's just a crazy fucked up perversion.
01:25:07.000It's not like saying you can never be with a woman again.
01:25:09.000You can never feel a woman's touch again.
01:25:11.000It's more like saying you can't gamble again.
01:25:14.000Or more like saying, I'm not going to gamble.
01:25:17.000There's something like a crazy perverted sexual attraction connection that they're having with people that they shouldn't, like young people, right?
01:25:52.000Fuck with their sexuality if you think about it if you molest again if you molest kids and You if you look at all these guys that wind up being molesters a lot of them were molested as kids It's horrible man, so and obviously a lot of them don't do that and don't have the urge to do that but there's something that happens to some of them where it becomes this really fucked up thing that just keeps passing on from person to person from victim to victim and Which is a horrible stigmatization if you've been molested because you assume
01:26:22.000if you tell people, then everyone will think you're going to be molesting kids.
01:26:26.000What a weird thing it must be to have that impulse, too.
01:28:15.000Yeah, when I was backpacking through Europe, because we were all traveling together after Russia, I was keeping a journal, and I was just writing in Russian, because I could be on the train and I could write whatever I want, and no one could really...
01:28:42.000To go into the place where they write those things and learn how to write in that language and write your own little blog and speak with those people, that's a crazy life experience, man.
01:29:07.000Yeah, it's a great story because we had been drinking and smoking hash when I was riding the motorcycles, and you called, and I was listening to music, and it snapped me into reality.
01:29:20.000It was a very pivotal speech in the way I looked at that show, because you're like, these experiences, fuck the show, these experiences define you, and you need to talk about this on stage.
01:29:31.000You were like, literally, Think about, look around, remember your surroundings, and bring this up on stage.
01:29:40.000And the sun was setting, and it was fucking beautiful, and there's oxen in the rice paddies, and there's birds, and I'm listening to Spanish Caravan by the doors, and I'm fucking flying.
01:29:49.000And now, I just had this conversation with you, and I'm looking at my shadow in front of me, racing me.
01:29:53.000And that's my childhood, and that's my, and I'm like, oh, this is the greatest thing ever.
01:30:40.000When you told me to tell the machine story on stage, I learned so much about the art of storytelling and the art of stand-up meshed together.
01:30:47.000The hardest part is that I remember how long it took to get that story good, and every story starts with only one little funny part, and you've just got to do it all the fucking time.
01:30:58.000You've just got to figure it out and work it out and knead it out and tell it as many times as you can.
01:31:03.000Yeah, it's like you've got to figure out what to cut out to, maybe a better way to describe what was happening.
01:33:40.000It looks like it's under construction.
01:33:42.000And I'm sitting off to the side, smoking a cigar in the darkness.
01:33:46.000And this girl just starts walking in, walking up the driveway, starts to go into our backyard, and I see her and I'm like, wait, do I know?
01:33:53.000It's a weird thing when you get robbed, that you're like, it's like a, such a confrontation that you're like, like, have you ever been like, been in a confrontation and someone's like, hey man, and you're like, oh, I must know this person, hi!
01:34:03.000And then they attack you and you're like, oh, fuck!
01:36:22.000I mean, that was when he had gotten gangrene in, I think it was 2003, Stan Hope.
01:36:29.000Pulled me aside to tell me that he was in the hospital and Hedberg was like his leg was really fucked up and they were worried he was going to lose his leg because he had gangrene from shooting in the same spot.
01:38:06.000I wanted to do a series for Comedy Central where we had almost like a podcast, but where I would go to all the comics and I would have them tell me their best Attell story, their best Hedberg story, and then I'd compile it all into episodes about comics telling stories about Attell, comics telling stories about Mitch,
01:38:23.000comics telling stories about Stanhope.
01:38:25.000Imagine if you did one with Stanhope, and everyone I had on my podcast, I just took five minutes aside and was like, tell me your best Doug Stanhope story, and then I just compiled that into a three-hour podcast.
01:38:35.000And then let Doug listen to it, and then at the end of the story go, objection!
01:42:12.000I'm not, obviously, not a sommelier or anything like that, but I know what tastes good, and his shit tastes really good, and he knows so much about it.
01:42:20.000You talk to him about it, the way he describes it, and explains the process, and he's super, super into it.
01:44:06.000He went to Vegas for a weekend and partied with all those guys and just their lifestyle and how much money they make.
01:44:14.000I mean, they were making, you know, and then I didn't even know that DJ AM, do you remember that guy?
01:44:18.000He died of a heroin overdose, but he was in the plane crash.
01:44:23.000He was a great fucking DJ. Like, a legit great DJ. And I was like, oh, I just thought he was some reality star.
01:44:29.000I didn't know he could DJ. Like, he went on to Big Boy in the Morning, I think, and was the first person to do mashups of, like, Run DMC and Sweet Home Alabama.
01:44:41.000And he was playing Sweet Home Alabama on the fucking Breakfast Club, and everyone's like, oh, shit!
01:45:02.000Well, isn't it interesting what shows have come to in Vegas?
01:45:06.000Like what a thing used to be in Vegas is you would go to Vegas and you would see a band and you still do that a lot in Vegas, but More often than that, you have DJs, and these DJs, they have regular shows at these places.
01:47:04.000It was like one of the most fun things I've ever done in my life.
01:47:06.000It was so great because, like, when I did my 200th episode, I did it with Tom and Bill, and my man came and we smoked cigars, and halfway through I went, oh wait, I've had the ability to do something like this all the time, is have my friends come in together, and us just hang out and drink and bullshit.
01:49:16.000Like when a girl bend over to fix her shoe or something?
01:49:18.000You look down her blouse and see her tits?
01:49:20.000That's a genre of it, but the genre I got into, if you look on Pornhub, it's downblowsing, and it's just girls with loose-fitting shirts cleaning.
01:49:30.000Which is the real, like that is something that I walk into the kitchen and my wife will be like doing the dishes in her pajama top shirt and you'll see like a side tit and you'll be like How's that go?
01:57:12.000And so there's an episode where Jamie's doing a test.
01:57:16.000He's going to do a TV show, a movie with Tracy Morgan.
01:57:20.000And to do the screen test, he needs to get put in blackface.
01:57:24.000He needs to be dressed as a black man.
01:57:26.000So they dress him as a black man, and he gets all dressed up as a black guy.
01:57:30.000And Tracy Morgan convinces him that he's very convincing as a black guy.
01:57:34.000And that what he should do is him and Stu Stone should both get in face paint and look like black people, and then go down to the 3-6 Mafia show and freestyle for them, because as black men, the 3-6 Mafia will really appreciate it.
01:57:50.000And Joe, there is a moment where they're driving in a car to Long Beach and dresses two black guys, and they're talking to each other, and they're like, do you think this is a good idea?
01:58:41.000It was the greatest thing I've ever fucking seen!
01:58:45.000And I saw Jamie Kennedy one time at the Ontario Improv, and I was like, dude, I gotta take two seconds and tell you how hard that made me laugh.
01:58:52.000And he was like, yeah, you can't find it anywhere.
01:59:10.000Like, I get it that it was from minstrel shows where white men would put on blackface and do these offensive representations of black men, but that's a different look.
01:59:20.000When they were doing it, they were doing, like, this big thing where they were putting, like, white around their lips, and it was, like, really exaggerated.
01:59:27.000Do you ever see that, uh, what's this guy's name, Al?
02:01:25.000First of all, it's bizarre when you think that that was top of the food chain entertainment in 1927. So less than a hundred years ago.
02:01:34.000Can you imagine if somebody went to a concert and the dude was wearing black paint with white stuff around his lips and he was singing that song?
02:01:43.000You would think you were in some sort of a weird, abstract, modern performance art show.
02:01:49.000You know, some weird, like, alt-hipster.
02:03:49.000So that was a common one, and they would wear blackface, and they would put a bunch of gold chains on Mr. T. And you put, not shoe polish, but black paint all over your face?
02:04:01.000In college, we used to have a social called, we had a couple socials, we had a social called Pimbs Up, Hoes Down, where everyone would just dress like black people.
02:04:12.000I mean, it's so politically incorrect, but that's, you know, I don't think anyone had the insight.
02:04:16.000We had a social called Unga-Gunga-Bulunga, and I remember I was the one that organized it, and I handed out, like, makeup so people could put war paint on, and one girl, the guy just took a picture, just has, just put it on black stuff all over her face.
02:06:10.000I used to live with this girl from Peru, and one Halloween, when I moved to New York, this was probably 1998, 1999, and I went into her room at Halloween, and she was dressed like a Puerto Rican,
02:06:28.000And she was like, she's like, all the horrible stereotypes that you would say would be the things that lowest common denominator of Puerto Rican women would do, she had all over her.
02:06:38.000And I was like, Val, you can't do that.
02:10:52.000My friend Matt sent me something that's so hilarious.
02:10:55.000This is a real thing that was on Tumblr, where someone was talking about cultural appropriation in terms of learning languages, and that unless you're Chinese, you shouldn't learn Chinese because it's cultural appropriation.
02:11:59.000Obviously, I voted for Hillary, but I get angry.
02:12:02.000Like, the way the guys who voted for Trump must feel...
02:12:06.000I get angry when I see stuff that's just absurd.
02:12:09.000Like, there's a video that I doubt you've seen, but your name's in it, so I thought you were in it, so I clicked it, and basically it's a social justice warrior going to an open mic and doing stand-up.
02:12:20.000But instead of doing stand-up, he just keeps repeating, your jokes are not funny.
02:13:48.000That just because some people like a certain style, whether it's a style of music or style of art, anything.
02:13:54.000Comedy is just one thing that people make, right?
02:13:56.000If some people like that style and you don't and you get mad at it and then you start deciding that these jokes are harming people and these jokes are damaging people, Well, first of all, every art form,
02:14:13.000whether it's music or whether it's movies, every art form is allowed this sort of false...
02:14:20.000We have this understanding that you've created some fiction.
02:14:24.000We have this understanding that this is not necessarily the person who's written this book's exact thoughts on things.
02:14:32.000Nor is it the person who made this movie, who made a fictional movie.
02:14:41.000But in comedy, for some reason, you can't say something ridiculously offensive, fully knowing that you know and the audience knows you don't believe it.
02:14:48.000But when you do do it, it's really funny.
02:15:31.000But there's many times where you say something that's completely ridiculous, you don't mean it all, and you only say it because it's a funny thing to say.
02:15:38.000And, you know, to take that and to extract it, and to say that that's like a hate crime, when, you know, you know that that person's just fucking around.
02:15:45.000Like, do you remember when Tracy Morgan got in trouble?
02:19:36.000And then, you know, if something weird happened or crazy happened sometimes, you're all jacked up on adrenaline, and your brain just creates some goofy-ass scenario, and then that becomes your memory.
02:19:52.000Do you ever think of like Manchurian candidate type shit?
02:19:56.000Like the idea that they could trick you by putting like a word in your head and if someone says that word, you fucking snap and you turn into an assassin.
02:20:31.000Like, I mean, immediately when you're like, this is going to sound silly, but when I said, I'm going to grab a beer, and you're like, grab me one.
02:20:51.000I went, oh, yeah, I would love to get high today.
02:20:54.000Like when Stanhope, when I see when my phone rings and it's Stanhope, I get excited because I go, it's one of the very few calls I don't send a voicemail.
02:21:03.000But even the voicemails are 10 million times fucking better.
02:21:08.000He gave me a fucking voicemail that I want to play.
02:22:17.000I just don't like, like, this is gonna, once again, this will sound bad, but I'm in my backyard, I'm doing a press tour this morning in, like, every market, you know, every of those radio satellite tours, and the guys that are building my house are all Mexican,
02:22:32.000and I saw them come to work, and I thought, man, that sucks that What he said about Mexicans, America stood behind a tad bit.
02:22:43.000Because these guys aren't rapists and murderers.
02:22:45.000They're the coolest guys in the world that are fucking killing themselves so that I can have a better life.
02:22:48.000And they're doing it at wages that, quite honestly, are affordable only because they're in fear of losing their stability in this country so they don't argue or stand up.
02:22:57.000And that's kind of how immigrant labor works, a tad bit, is they don't have a way out.
02:23:04.000And I thought, that really fucking sucks.
02:23:06.000And I saw it for the first time that way.
02:23:09.000And I was like, these are all really cool dudes.
02:23:11.000And it stinks that last night they saw that and they were like, we lost.
02:23:35.000Mmm, you know, so you're a winner Bert.
02:23:37.000I'm the luckiest guy in the fucking world.
02:23:40.000Mmm The whole Mexican thing is very strange because it's really this is why it's really racist It's not like you're dealing with an exorbitant percentage difference in the amount of people that are Mexican descent that commit crimes versus the amount of people that are of American-born That commit crimes,
02:24:04.000It's probably like not much difference at all.
02:24:06.000But when someone comes here from another country and commits a crime, we look at it far worse than if someone who was born in this patch of soil commits a crime.
02:24:16.000You know, we decide that that's a big deal.
02:24:19.000We decide that it's a bigger deal when someone from over there comes over here illegally and commits a crime, even if it's like the same percentage as just people.
02:24:27.000You know, if you get like 20% of the people who commit crimes, no matter what, they're immigrant or whatever, you'll look at the immigrant ones as being more significant, because they're not even fucking supposed to be here.
02:25:47.000But then people are scared because they're like, oh, this person's been living in the Congo, say.
02:25:51.000Okay, so what is xenophobia then based on the fact that they don't subscribe to the same cultural rules we subscribe to?
02:25:58.000Well, you can say that's xenophobic, or you can say that you're very conservative and nationalistic, and you could look at it as a proud trait.
02:26:07.000I mean, it's a real touch-and-go issue, especially right now, because what's going on in Germany and a lot of parts of Europe where these Syrian refugees are coming in, and they've opened their arms to them in Germany, and it's kind of like really out of control.
02:26:21.000Like, Germany's had some horrible assaults and rapes and...
02:26:24.000Groups of men that are actively targeting white blonde women for rape.
02:26:29.000Well, that's the truth, and I won't say any place, but there are places in this world where the social norm of rape is a social norm.
02:26:39.000Women just get raped, and they believe that's just what happens because they're women.
02:26:48.000The sheer numbers of humans that subscribe to that kind of thinking still in 2016 would shock you.
02:26:54.000If you could just look at it as numbers on a board, if you just looked at the worldwide population and how many people would accept something like that, you'd be like, whoa.
02:27:01.000Yeah, we're just getting rid of beating a child right now.
02:27:05.000Adrian Peterson did it, and everyone fucking attacked him, and I'm sure he was like, I just hit him with a switch.
02:27:11.000But there are places where, in this country, where you could totally hit a child and no one would say anything.
02:27:16.000And then there are places in the world where you could hit someone and no one would say anything.
02:27:19.000And that's part of, like, if you tried to dissect xenophobia...
02:27:25.000Maybe it's that is that you go their social norm is different than my social norm and I don't want people I mean is that that sounds like I'm defending xenophobia well I have a theory that I've said several times the podcast excuse me if you've heard it That's the cradle of civilization if you go to the Middle East That's where civilization begins the oldest written language the oldest form of mathematics like Sumer like that's they're responsible for all these different first first agriculture like they they were like a really Depending upon when you think that human civilization
02:27:55.000was established, whether it was re-established.
02:27:58.000But those people back then, that was a really complicated civilization, and it was like 6,000 years ago.
02:28:10.000I mean, when we try to think about how long human beings have been on this planet, and how long we've been living our lives and what we've been doing, This is a really, really recent thing.
02:28:41.000Like, you know, one of the things, I watched Roots, and one of the things that blew me away was that, what's it called when black people talk like black people?
02:29:19.000There's a giant ripple effect from being brought over here as slaves.
02:29:22.000That, to me, says that, like, what we should have done, and what we probably still should do, Is figure out a way, and not just that ripple, but the poor immigration ripple that's in white neighborhoods, Russian neighborhoods.
02:29:34.000You gotta figure out a way to get neighborhoods that are really fucking poor.
02:29:39.000Those are traps, especially if they're crime-ridden neighborhoods that are really poor.
02:30:00.000But if presidents did that, instead of fucking flying over to Afghanistan and dealing with some nonsense that has almost nothing to do with you and me...
02:30:08.000I mean, you can make an argument that we can intervene in Mexico right now.
02:30:11.000You know, if you really wanted to protect peace and love, I mean, every time you go to Juarez and you see a bunch of dudes' heads cut off, and they're hanging them from a fucking overpass with some sign, they put some cops and chop them up in garbage bags.
02:30:25.000You know, there's a good argument that all the drugs are coming from these people, too.
02:30:29.000There's a good argument that you go to the war with them.
02:30:43.000One of the things that I was watching, like I was laying in bed yesterday, and I was just kind of listening to the thing, and they were saying statements like, well, Florida's definitely going to vote Democratic because of the Hispanic population.
02:31:24.000Mexicans don't speak Spanish in front of you.
02:31:26.000When you hang out with, like, two Mexicans, you're standing in, like, say you're, like, in line or something, Mexicans usually just try to assimilate so they don't raise the red flag.
02:31:35.000It's all based on the fact that as a Cuban, if you come over to this country, if you step foot on the land, you're automatically a citizen.
02:31:40.000As a Mexican, they don't want you here.
02:31:49.000And that is the bone of contention between Cubans and Mexicans is that, and that's why Cubans, when you go to Miami, two Cuban guys will speak Spanish right in front of you, right in front of your face.
02:31:58.000And you're just like, are you guys talking about me?
02:32:02.000Well, Cuba also, Cubans rather, they tend to be more conservative.
02:33:41.000I have a friend who lives in England and their neighbor, their friend actually, that lives also in England, had a bunch of Pikeys move in next door to him.
02:34:58.000I mean, I'm sure they have, like, boundaries where you're not supposed to go, but next to this guy's fucking house, they were allowed to live.
02:35:04.000Apparently, this guy's, like, this really wealthy guy that bought this insane house out in the London countryside, and they just, the travelers moved in right next door, and they party all night.
02:41:07.000Like, friends of mine who I go, who I know are funny, were just like, like, just saying, just like, really, not even like trying to be funny about it.
02:42:12.000I'm 44. So you think anyone over 44, any woman over 44, probably dealt with date rape, and a lot of times there was a stigma, do not talk about it.
02:43:01.000You throw them somewhere nice and soft and like you don't you decelerate when you let go You know just like a light judo demonstration If you dated a judo chick we dated Ronda Rousey and she just got mad at you and start fucking hip tossing you around the house right to the coffee table Right to the glass coffee table like one of those Lethal Weapon movies She just grabs you and hip tosses you.
02:45:28.000He grabs ahold of his shin, but what he's supposed to do for real is grab ahold of his right foot, pull his right foot down until it locks underneath his left leg.
02:45:36.000See how it's all fucking loose and sloppy?
02:45:39.000Bitch, nobody's getting stuck in that triangle.
02:45:41.000They gotta pop right out of that posture up and beat your fucking ass.
02:47:04.000So if you ever rolled with that guy, you needed to stay the fuck away from his guard, because he's just all legs and power, like the amount of strength that you have in your legs, like people don't even recognize it.
02:47:16.000You don't, you don't, unless you have rolled with someone who has developed their leg muscles and the dexterity to pull off jujitsu moves with their legs, like there's certain guys that get to a point where they get really, really good at that, When you roll with them, you realize you take your legs and you run up stairs.
02:49:32.000Like, Marcelo Garcia was one of the greatest jiu-jitsu players of all time.
02:49:36.000Did not have a big upper body, but he had these giant ass fucking legs, and he would squeeze a shit out of dudes and control them with his legs.
02:49:43.000That was a big part of his jiu-jitsu game, was controlling your body with your legs.
02:51:29.000We'd go into New Smyrna and you'd get out from surfing and you'd shoot the hose water up your ass and give yourself an enema and then just shit on each other.
02:52:21.000That's a song people don't even talk about.
02:52:23.000And you know what's even bigger is if you grew up in Florida, you remember that.
02:52:28.000I'm sure they did this all over the place, but I distinctly remember bringing, you could get glass bottles that were worth 10 cents each, and I'd bring them back down to the Circle K by my house, and you walk down with like 10, Glass bottles on your fingers and walk down to Circle K,
02:52:45.000get them in, and you buy candy that way.
02:52:48.000That's a line he has about collecting old bottles and bringing them down and selling it.
02:52:52.000And I was like, fuck man, I did that shit.
02:52:57.000I got into that song once like three years ago.
02:53:00.000You know how sometimes you go on a trip, and for whatever reason, you're sitting on the beach or something like that, relaxing, listening to your iPhone, listening to music or something, and you have this one song that just resonates with the moment?
02:53:12.000For me, it was that Ballad of Curtis Lowe.
02:56:41.000I'm going to try this new Google Pixel phone for a few months, and I'm going to try a Windows 10. Because I look at people at the airport, and they have Windows laptops.
02:56:48.000I'm like, what do you do on that thing?
02:59:21.000I can imagine using a regular alarm clock.
02:59:23.000When I go to a hotel and I see that stupid thing next to the bed that's flashing 12, I go, what is this dumb thing that I have to figure out?
02:59:58.000Isn't it goofy, though, that we have to fucking change what time it is because of when it's dark and when it's light?
03:00:03.000So that's one of the reasons why those people in Alaska are superior.
03:00:06.000They reach these stretches where it's never dark.
03:00:10.000They have these weird moments in July, like when Ari and I were there, we went outside, it was 2 o'clock in the morning, and it was like 6.30pm out here.
03:00:20.000That's also arguably why there's so much drinking in Russia.
03:00:52.000But it's a week or maybe two weeks, but then for three months going in, I'd say maybe a month going in and a month coming out, it is well, like I remember walking around the streets at like 11 o'clock at night and it was bright like 5 o'clock in the afternoon.
03:02:26.000I should have texted him or something, but I'm watching Westworld, and I see the guy in the fucking cave who's going, and I go, God damn it, man, that looks like fucking Tate.
03:02:34.000And all of a sudden he gets out of the cave, and I'm like, shut the fuck up, that's Tate!
03:05:49.000I performed the jokes you're about to see in the year 1923. I've performed them in 2006. Judge for yourself, but I certainly see similarities.
03:05:58.000I work very hard on this material, specifically the line, if you don't chill, you're gonna get it.
03:06:33.000Next time we do it, we can't just have people just walking in and sitting down and grabbing microphones.
03:06:37.000It was just too many people as it is, and like, Burr got interrupted a bunch of times, then fights broke out between people that weren't even supposed to be there and people that we wanted to be there, so we'll fix that next time.
03:06:47.000We get Stan Hope to come in once a month.
03:07:08.000And when Stanhope read that note at the beginning, where, you know, he was panicking about it, and he was really super worried, and then I was like, come on, man.
03:07:58.000Diaz was supposed to come by last night, but I think he had a spot somewhere at 10 and then was going to shoot over there afterwards, but it probably went long.
03:08:07.000But you know, it's hard to get him to go out when he doesn't want to.
03:08:09.000We'll do it the way it was supposed to go last night, which is like...
03:08:17.000We get the core of, like, four guys, or three guys, four guys, and then throw out some invites to guys that we know that will be fun on there.
03:08:25.000Like, Jim Jeffrey showing up was great, minus the child.
03:08:45.000I think we were way over the top yesterday, you know, and at times it was so difficult for people not...
03:08:50.000I think we did a great job, considering, of not talking over each other, but it was really hard.
03:08:56.000Like, there was a lot of times when people start a rant and someone would just shit-can it and dive right into the rant, and then they would have to try to restart the rant, and then someone else would...
03:09:05.000Recognize there's a weakness, and they try to step into, and it's like, oh, this is bad.
03:09:13.000I definitely have flaws, but like, I will promise you when I got on that stage, I was like, I was not there to interrupt Joe, Bill, Greg, or Doug.
03:09:24.000It's just like you might have something really funny to say, and you feel like you've got to get it out now, but someone else is still talking, and you're like, fuck, when is this guy going to talk?
03:09:31.000And then three other people are waiting to talk, like, fuck, I'm not going to be able to get this out, and I'm going to forget it.
03:09:35.000And noticing when you go, oh, there's a punchline right there, but in my head I go, Bert, if you recognize that, wouldn't you also enjoy to hear what Greg Fitzsimmons take on that very recognizable punchline will be?
03:09:46.000Because it'll be better than yours, maybe.
03:10:06.000And when you're in mid-stride, it's hard.
03:10:09.000And the person around you has to kind of recognize that.
03:10:11.000And one of the big differences is the difference between someone who's talking to you With you like some people just talking to you and they're waiting for their chance Like when you're done talking then I'm gonna talk and some people are talking with you like you're talking and then they go oh Okay,
03:10:26.000and then they start asking a question They're talking with you and they might have a rant and they might not they might have something funny to say and they might not But they're having a conversation with you and that's way easier to listen to see when people just start talking at each other and They're not listening to the other person.
03:14:46.000I don't remember anything about calculus.
03:14:48.000You put a division problem in front of me or a percentage.
03:14:53.000Imagine if your brain kept growing and you had an issue and you had to kill brain cells by drinking in order to keep your head from pressing up.
03:15:01.000The brain from pressing up against the side of your head.
03:15:04.000The only way you can get past that is to just fucking get hammered every night.
03:15:08.000If you don't, you have massive headaches.
03:18:00.000I was eating like shit, but I stopped drinking just because we were going under renovation, and I was getting allergies, and I got sick, and I was like, eh, I'm not going to drink.
03:19:32.000Yeah, I don't know what to tell you, because if you want to drink all the time, it's going to be super hard to lose weight, for real.
03:19:38.000But if you could go back to that, go back to not drinking, if you think you could perform and have a good time and be you, and you definitely could.
03:19:45.000I don't have a problem performing without alcohol at all.
03:24:10.000Ari and I have been talking numbers a lot.
03:24:12.000And so for those of you who don't know, Ari and I are texting our first day numbers to each other just because we are full fucking disclosure.
03:24:19.000That's a beautiful thing about the friendships I've had based on meeting you a lot of is my friends, we tell each other how much we make.
03:24:26.000We tell each other what our numbers are so that we don't get fucked or they can get better things.
03:24:32.000Yeah, and you've got to be honest, too.