Joe Rogan Experience #884 - Joey Diaz
Episode Stats
Length
2 hours and 45 minutes
Words per Minute
198.14642
Summary
In this episode, the brother and sister duo of the sit down and talk about life, love, sex, and everything else going on in their lives. We talk about how they grew up, how they met, and what it was like growing up in the same house as La Lupe s mom. We also talk about what it's like to grow up with a Latinx mom, and how it's not always easy growing up with someone from that background, but it's definitely not as bad as it looks like it is in the movies and tv shows. Also, we talk about the first time we met our first Latinx girlfriend and how we felt about her, and why we don't mess with Spanish women. We also get into how we first met and fell in love with our first Spanish girlfriend, and the experience we had with her and how she changed our lives forever! Don't miss this episode of . P.S. Don't forget to leave us a review on Apple Podcasts and tell us what you thought of this episode and what you think about it in the comments section below! If you liked it, please leave a review and tell a friend about it! and we'll be sure to give it a rating and review it to a friend who needs to hear it on their social media! Love ya'll a shoutout! ! Thanks for listening, bye! Cheers, Cheers! Cheers. -Jon & God bless! -Eugene & Jerrod -Sergio & Chelsie ~ and Chelsi ( ) , Jon & Jon & Jon - :) Thank you for listening and supporting this episode. -Jon and Jon talks about this episode! -Jon talks about his life and how he's so much love and respect and appreciation and respect & appreciation and appreciation & respect & respect and respect, and all the love and appreciation, and respect for his life & respect, love & appreciation & appreciation, for his words, etc. - Jon does it all the more! - Jon & all that kind of stuff! - Jon is so much more. - - Jon's words of love & respect! -JON & JUICY! -SOOO much love, Jon & JOYCELLO -JEAN
Transcript
00:00:00.000
She would take her shoes off, throw them to the audience.
00:00:04.000
And then she'd put the YouTube videos, black and white.
00:00:08.000
She'd take her gold chains, throw them, rip her shirt off.
00:00:24.000
We were young kids up in like Spanish Harlem, and I would go up there and visit them, and she was crazy.
00:01:11.000
What is it about Spanish people that makes them so passionate and crazy and hot-blooded?
00:01:21.000
When you get ten Cubans together or ten Italians together, Greek, the volume goes up.
00:01:38.000
And then you have the Spanish thing that is just fucking nuts.
00:01:42.000
Listen, man, right out in the open right now, I'll say it.
00:01:52.000
You talk to a lot of Jewish people, guys, they'll say, I love being a Jew, the whole thing.
00:02:02.000
You think about your mom and whoever put up with her shit.
00:02:15.000
If there's a problem, sweet, the saints get called.
00:02:38.000
You know, narrowed, zeroed in, and you get them where they're fucking savages.
00:02:43.000
If you control that into sex and all that, it's fucking probably savagery.
00:02:48.000
Like I said, I've been with one Spanish girl, and I moved on.
00:02:57.000
I stopped going to karate, I stopped going to church, and I was just dry-humping her.
00:03:03.000
Can you imagine if she gave me that monkey in the seventh grade?
00:03:07.000
Do you remember how overwhelming it was the first time you were with a girl?
00:03:13.000
You'd never had any sort of feeling like that in your life, and now it's just overwhelming.
00:03:21.000
You have the logical friends, and then you have animal friends when you're 13. So I had friends that would go, that's nice.
00:03:29.000
And then you have the fucking heavy-duty animal.
00:03:36.000
You're going to fucking grab her and make out with her right in the...
00:03:41.000
You're completely fucking lost when you're 13. But how great is it to fall in love and hold hands and go to the movies and go to get a slice of pizza?
00:03:50.000
When I was 13, I lived in this place called Jamaica Plain.
00:03:54.000
It's becoming more gentrified now, but at the time it was kind of sketchy.
00:03:57.000
We had some kind of crazy neighbors with this one kid.
00:04:04.000
We were both like 13. But he was like 30. He was like a 30-year-old 13. He knew a lot of shit.
00:04:10.000
And I remember one time he was talking about sex.
00:04:16.000
Like a little peck or something like that at 13. Paulie Hudson probably fucked 100 girls by then.
00:04:24.000
And we were talking and he goes, somehow or another it got on the subject of how a penis enters the vagina, how it gets in there.
00:04:40.000
And he goes, you ain't never fucked a girl, have you?
00:04:46.000
I did want to admit it, I'm sure, but it was fucking obvious.
00:04:54.000
I just found that out now, and I'm 53. I didn't know it went up.
00:04:59.000
I literally thought, I could never figure it out in my head, because I was like, well, I kind of know where the vagina is.
00:05:05.000
Like, how could it work going straight through?
00:05:14.000
The thoughts you have about sex on a young man or a young woman, you don't know.
00:05:24.000
Yeah, you're so confused, because you didn't have any of those thoughts two, three years ago.
00:05:28.000
Like, you're ten, and you're just thinking about comic books, and, you know, all the stuff you think about when you're ten.
00:05:35.000
You like to go fishing or something, you know, and you're just hanging out with your friends.
00:05:38.000
And then all of a sudden, you're thirteen, and your dick is hard all the time, and you're so confused.
00:05:44.000
And when you're around girls, they hug you, and you're like, whoa!
00:05:47.000
Your body's just overwhelmed, the smell of their hair, and just...
00:05:58.000
First time you sneak up behind a girl, you're behind and you smell her hair or something, you're a mower.
00:06:10.000
Did you have somebody who broke sex down for you?
00:06:13.000
Like, we had a dude in my neighbor that always wore a towel.
00:06:16.000
His name was Puerto Rican Nelson, and he lived in the back of a thing, and we'd go to him.
00:06:20.000
It started with him fixing our bicycles, and we evolved with him.
00:06:24.000
So we went from playing baseball on the street, and he would come out.
00:06:29.000
He would come out and throw balls with us and whiffle ball.
00:06:32.000
And that's the guy you go up to and you go, hey man, can we talk to you tonight?
00:06:50.000
And he would yell at us, you guys never fucked.
00:06:58.000
And then it got to the point where we'd have clinics at his house.
00:07:05.000
We come over and we go, Nelson, we have to take this girl out.
00:07:16.000
And he's like, all right, I'll teach you about sex.
00:07:18.000
Come around to my window tonight about 8 o'clock.
00:07:25.000
And we actually went over there and ate and listened.
00:07:34.000
He was like, in the 70s, there wasn't no sex education at schools, dog.
00:07:38.000
So you had to get it where the fuck you got it.
00:07:45.000
I didn't have any uncles like that or friends like that.
00:07:56.000
There was a couple kids like that that were too street for me.
00:07:58.000
I was like, oh, that's when I really realized that I needed to learn how to fight when I moved to Jamaica Plain because I was just super nervous.
00:08:06.000
These guys would pick on me, and I had no idea what to do.
00:08:13.000
Nobody ever explained to me how to even punch or hold your hands up correctly.
00:08:19.000
So that's when I started getting into karate, and I was into movies before that, and I'd taken, like, a kung fu class or something like that once when I was, like, Maybe eight years old when I lived in San Francisco, but there really no martial arts to speak of.
00:08:31.000
In this neighborhood, I was like, fuck, these kids are scaring the shit out of me.
00:08:45.000
At the time, it was at least just kind of a poor neighborhood.
00:08:49.000
But apparently now they have some nice bars and restaurants and, you know...
00:08:54.000
Someone takes a chance on the outskirts, and they start pushing those bad neighborhoods away.
00:08:58.000
They start building up in them, and they become gentrified.
00:09:00.000
You can get a nice house in a nice neighborhood for, you know, a good deal.
00:09:05.000
So a lot of people, you know, that's the giant problem with New York right now.
00:09:12.000
Really, it's so expensive to live in Manhattan.
00:09:14.000
Have you ever tried to look at, like, real estate?
00:09:16.000
Have you ever, like, fantasized, maybe I'll move to New York for a couple years, like Ari Shafir?
00:09:20.000
You ever thought about doing something like that?
00:09:24.000
I thought about it and I looked at, like, housing prices.
00:09:43.000
People, they were talking about their regular rent.
00:10:05.000
For me to afford to live in New York, I gotta live down the shore.
00:10:11.000
Do you think you'd go down the shore, or do you think you'd go to Long Island?
00:10:13.000
I would go down the shore, because I'm familiar with it.
00:10:16.000
I would go, like, Route 17, Marlboro, around there.
00:10:29.000
Yeah, I think he's got one there in Hoboken, yeah.
00:10:45.000
This is a little away from where everybody goes.
00:10:47.000
This is up from Tom's River and Seaside and Belmar and Manisquan.
00:10:52.000
It still takes you off the 34, 35. You still got to drive a little bit.
00:11:19.000
Frankie Edgar's gotta be the king of Tom's River.
00:11:26.000
He made me say Tom's River on a pay-per-view once.
00:11:39.000
Yeah, like close to Seaside, Lavalette, if I remember correctly.
00:11:43.000
Because every time I'd be in Seaside, I was in Tom's River.
00:11:48.000
What you do is you go down there and you put on some nets.
00:11:53.000
Like the kids I used to go down there, we stopped by Tom's River.
00:12:16.000
I would never fucking try because I wouldn't trust But they would just take the crabs and put them in a fucking hole.
00:12:26.000
And they're like, Mr. Shell Breaks, I don't fucking know how they get the flavor, the meat.
00:12:31.000
I'm trying to remember if they pulled the meat out or if they left the claws in sometimes.
00:12:35.000
It seems like sometimes they just left the claws and everything in, right?
00:12:48.000
You'll see it a little bit in a nice, fancy Italian restaurant.
00:12:55.000
There was a place that was a real good place that was in West L.A. It was real good, especially when it opened up.
00:13:08.000
And he made this squid ink pasta with a crab sauce, like a light tomato-y crab sauce, where it was...
00:13:24.000
It was like this black ink pasta that was cooked just perfect so you chew into it.
00:13:33.000
It's got a little pop to it as you bite into it.
00:13:51.000
Because whenever I go to, like, Texas, I get Dungeness crab with the salad.
00:13:55.000
And is Florida the place where they have those king crabs or Alaska?
00:14:17.000
You eat those things, and you drink a shitload of beers, and your uncle gets drunk and says, stupid shit, and you wind up getting out of there.
00:14:25.000
But it's crazy, because as a child, I could eat lobster.
00:14:40.000
That crab has something that will make you sick.
00:14:43.000
I didn't start eating crab until maybe 15 years ago.
00:15:02.000
I started eating crab again Tuesday nights at Miyagi when we used to do comedy there, and they used to lip-sync in there and shit.
00:15:10.000
One day I had one of those stone crab rolls, and I didn't get sick, so I started eating it again.
00:15:15.000
But for years, I'd get sick off crab every time.
00:15:22.000
I just went to Boston, and I went to Legal Seafoods, and I got those big fucking clams every day.
00:15:32.000
Oh, my God, those things are fucking delicious.
00:15:34.000
Because you got the steamers with the tails and shit.
00:15:40.000
You're making a face like you didn't like them.
00:15:42.000
The steamer's rough when you're eating that tail.
00:15:46.000
That was the first day, and then I said, I'm going to switch it up to those big fucking clams.
00:16:02.000
The clams have more snap when you're eating them raw.
00:16:06.000
It's interesting because we never thought about that as that being sashimi.
00:16:09.000
You know, you're just getting clams or you're getting oysters.
00:16:17.000
How is that any different than getting raw scallops at a sushi place?
00:16:27.000
We cook fish, but there's spots where you can go where they don't cook it.
00:16:39.000
I haven't done that where it's fresh and you get raw.
00:16:46.000
I would imagine if you got it like right off the fish, it would be amazing.
00:16:50.000
Yeah, it's weird that we have these sort of rules like as far as like food preparation and it just changed with sushi.
00:17:01.000
Like no one was serving raw fish anywhere until what?
00:17:08.000
I remember Japanese restaurants in New York City.
00:17:14.000
I didn't try sushi till Seattle, like 95. Really?
00:17:24.000
I remember it from when I was like 18, 19 years old.
00:17:34.000
If you think about it, culinarily speaking, if you could do that, that's a long-ass time.
00:17:42.000
No sushi a long-ass time in this country all those years with no sushi And then all of a sudden sushi now you've been to Japan yeah, and as a sushi different in Japan I don't really know I couldn't say that honestly because I went to a couple places I didn't go to a lot of places,
00:17:58.000
you know, we're only there for the UFC so it's pretty in and out but The sushi that we found there was like You know, you're in a Japanese restaurant.
00:18:13.000
The people can barely speak English if they speak English at all.
00:18:17.000
The menus are all in both Japanese and English, which is pretty cool.
00:18:25.000
So there's a lot of places you can go where you can at least sort of get by.
00:18:46.000
When you go to Japan, their culture is so interesting.
00:18:49.000
The way they choose to behave collectively is so interesting.
00:18:54.000
They have giant crowds of people on the streets, and there's no issues.
00:18:58.000
Everybody walks by each other with no problems.
00:19:01.000
It seems like, even though it's an accelerated culture...
00:19:11.000
If you look at how tiny it is, how many people are stacked in there.
00:19:15.000
Really, I mean, it's amazing how little crime, how much order you have.
00:19:20.000
And then every now and then, you have these dudes who've come from other countries and decided, like, oh, this is an easy pickings place.
00:19:31.000
We were there, we ran into, we were walking to a restaurant, and we ran into these African dudes trying to get you to go into these massage places.
00:19:44.000
So you have all these polite Japanese guys, and then these really like slick, streetwise dudes have moved into spots.
00:19:52.000
And you could see them sort of work in these places, but they're in Tokyo.
00:19:57.000
Which is, you know, overall, just really, really polite.
00:20:03.000
Apparently, I didn't experience it, but apparently they have a really, especially the older folks, do not like white people.
00:20:09.000
They just are not really into Americans being around.
00:20:15.000
I mean, you think they're going to forgive us that quick?
00:20:21.000
That's why I don't eat Vietnam food for a long time.
00:20:26.000
You want to go down and eat Vietnamese fucking egg rolls?
00:20:34.000
It's funny how the menus, like, what we think Chinese...
00:20:38.000
That's why I asked you, because what we think Chinese food is here is completely different over there, because it gets Americanized, and the same thing goes for sushi.
00:20:45.000
Bob Sapp told me that when we were shooting along his yard.
00:20:48.000
He said the sushi was more a little primitive over there.
00:20:51.000
Like, they'll come up with a fucking octopus, you know, like shit like that.
00:21:02.000
When, you know, I was watching something on food, and they were talking about a place in Japan where you go get some type...
00:21:08.000
It's a place where they only serve food that has...
00:21:13.000
Like, it's bull's balls and something's eyeballs or something.
00:21:25.000
If you go towards the end of El Paso, Texas and get Mexican soup, like Yucatan fish soup, there's a couple heads in there with the eyeballs looking right at you.
00:21:37.000
But once you get more of those towards the country itself, they start showing their culture.
00:21:43.000
Like, we don't know nothing about bulls' balls.
00:21:45.000
It's something to do with bulls and how they put it in a soup or something that's a special of the day, and the women can eat it also.
00:21:57.000
Well, the one place that we went to, we went to at least two sushi places, but one place we went to was supposedly a great place.
00:22:05.000
I think Bourdain might have recommended it to me.
00:22:09.000
But when we went in there, it was just, you know, same stuff that you get here.
00:22:15.000
Really fresh, really, you know, it was right out of the ocean, I'm sure.
00:22:24.000
But the Japanese fish people, Japanese sushi places only buy from Japanese fishing guys.
00:22:32.000
Like, my buddy sold fish back east, and I used to say to him, you don't sell to the Japanese people?
00:22:37.000
It's well known at that market where the mafia ran.
00:22:40.000
When you go there in the mornings, you see the Italians, you see the white, the Irish, and the Japanese people because they have different types of fish and what they do with it, I think.
00:22:48.000
I'm sure they have that poison blowfish, right?
00:22:53.000
On Mondays and some other day because the fish is old.
00:22:57.000
So they always say the fish order comes Tuesday or something, and Thursday, that's when you get sushi.
00:23:04.000
How long can you keep sushi before it's, like, terrible?
00:23:09.000
If you buy a big piece of tuna, how long before you have to serve that?
00:23:18.000
I don't trust fish and I don't trust pork a lot of times.
00:23:22.000
Those two, just a little slight in the cooking and you're fucking on the hospital track.
00:23:26.000
Domestic pork isn't so much anymore, but it used to be for sure.
00:23:29.000
Freezing fish for 24 hours, allowing it to thaw in the refrigerator, reduce harmful bacteria, making the fish safer.
00:23:40.000
Fish for making homemade sushi should be purchased from a seamonger, not a local grocery store.
00:23:49.000
A seamonger is a dude who goes and buys it straight off of the boats.
00:23:56.000
There's a guy I used to train with in Revere who was a seamonger.
00:24:03.000
And this dude had a truck, and he would drive his truck to the boats and negotiate a price and buy fish and then deliver that fish to restaurants.
00:24:13.000
It's really interesting, man, because we talked about it, and he was telling me what a grind it was.
00:24:20.000
Like, how much work is involved and what he does.
00:24:28.000
You go to, like, 20 restaurants, and you go, listen, I have salmon, I got calamari, and I got yellowtail.
00:24:41.000
25 pounds a day of, you know, fry like my, where I grew up, Rudy's.
00:24:51.000
They probably got three different guys they go through.
00:24:57.000
You know, he was Italian, they were Italian, know how to cook it.
00:25:00.000
So he would go over to, he had a great job for years, man.
00:25:22.000
Let me get 25 pounds of calamari and 10 pounds of yellowtail.
00:25:29.000
So he would get your 10 pounds of squid, his 20 pounds, his 30, and say, I need 100 pounds of squid.
00:25:35.000
He would go down there and there's people that actually cut a deal for that.
00:25:48.000
So once he'd go to the boat, buy it, and then he'd deliver it all, and that was it.
00:25:51.000
No overhead, no real insurance, no freezers, no nothing.
00:25:56.000
Anything he had left over, that's what he went and took home to his family to cook.
00:26:01.000
What happened was he went partners with a guy, got a freezer, they stocked up on the fucking food, they stocked up on the fish, New York had a power outage.
00:26:09.000
He lost 60 grand, that was the end of everything.
00:26:13.000
He lost 60, the partner lost like 80, because they went out and got Gavones and spent all this money on wholesale.
00:26:23.000
You've been making a living for 10 years on a daily.
00:26:25.000
Now you want to think about the future and buy a bunch of fish?
00:26:28.000
And that's the night that, like, a week later, the power went out when he moved into his warehouse.
00:26:32.000
They had to go in the middle of the night and fish, ice things.
00:26:39.000
Yeah, they didn't have such good insulation back then either.
00:26:48.000
You know, they have coolers now that keep things like they keep ice for seven days outside.
00:26:58.000
There's a bunch of different really high-end coolers, and most of it was started, at least to my knowledge, by this company called Yeti.
00:27:06.000
And Yeti coolers, they make these outdoor coolers that people use when they go camping or something like that, and they're real thick.
00:27:15.000
You close the lid, open that lid in seven days, there's going to be ice in there.
00:27:21.000
The insulation properties of these things are nuts.
00:27:25.000
You pull down these rubber straps to seal it in.
00:27:35.000
You want your ice to fucking save for seven days.
00:27:40.000
They somehow or another figured out some insulation method that retains cold for a long time.
00:27:54.000
It used to be a place where they would deliver ice and you would go and get a chunk of that shit for your ice box.
00:28:00.000
You would have an ice box in your refrigerator and that's where you keep your milk and whatever you're going to eat that day.
00:28:17.000
Like a refrigerator you open up, pull out packages of meat, packages of chicken.
00:28:25.000
When there was no refrigeration, think about that.
00:28:30.000
For most of human history, there's been no refrigeration.
00:28:33.000
That's why people used to go to war for salt, Joey.
00:28:39.000
Because salt was how you could keep your food fresh.
00:28:42.000
You'd have to take a piece of meat and cover it with salt.
00:28:47.000
And that would keep bacteria from growing on it.
00:28:53.000
That's like they would salt their fish when they would go to sea.
00:29:06.000
Like, if you went all in on salt back then, you're like, dude, people are going to war for this shit.
00:29:10.000
And then today, you went to a fucking diner, and they have little packets.
00:29:15.000
Like, you could take them, go to In-N-Out Burger.
00:29:22.000
You'd call your Viking friends, they're giving salt away at the burger place!
00:29:27.000
You would just come in there and steal all the salt.
00:29:33.000
Because that's how people, like, it would allow you to keep food longer, which is insane.
00:29:39.000
Like, that was like, imagine going to war for refrigerators.
00:29:42.000
You know, if, like, Japan had the refrigerators and we didn't, and there was a war to try to get refrigerators because it's the only way you keep your food longer.
00:29:54.000
When you watch the honeymooners, they drain their refrigerator.
00:30:00.000
She would pick the thing up and drain it in the honeymooners, and that's why.
00:30:03.000
They probably put an ice cube in there, they close it.
00:30:07.000
Well, the honeymooners, though, was electrical, so they probably did have refrigerators, but a lot of those things would freeze up.
00:30:25.000
Yeah, like a Yeti's ice cave in a monster movie.
00:30:37.000
But we used to chip at them with a fucking screwdriver.
00:30:39.000
Yeah, you had to go in there and fucking hit with the hammer.
00:30:41.000
You know when I was a kid, I used to use my air conditioner year-round.
00:30:48.000
I'd put the air conditioner in my room year round and it would get a brick of ice on it.
00:30:56.000
That's what happens when you put it on the winter.
00:30:59.000
I'd have to fucking turn it off and let it come down a little bit.
00:31:05.000
Remember those old school heaters that would make noise when they were starting up, like clink, clink, clink, clink?
00:31:17.000
It was this hot fucking chunk of metal in your house.
00:31:21.000
And if you leaned on it, it would sear your skin like a George Foreman grill.
00:31:26.000
And that's how you kept your fucking house warm.
00:31:41.000
Hot water would go through them and they would heat up.
00:31:43.000
And that's what you use to keep your house warm.
00:31:49.000
And even if you sat on the box by mistake, you'd fucking burn.
00:31:53.000
Yeah, and the only thing warm in your fucking house at all would be like within 15 feet of that thing.
00:32:01.000
They would put the heater under the fucking window.
00:32:04.000
So you'd stand there and get burnt, but there was like a draft or some shit.
00:32:13.000
You know, you get like a house, like the last house I had in Studio City had no fucking heat.
00:32:21.000
Because they didn't think people in California needed heat?
00:32:23.000
Those Burbank houses, those old houses, they didn't have heat.
00:32:26.000
Or they put a little box, like you're only going to use it.
00:32:29.000
When you come out of the shower, you need heat, Jack.
00:32:33.000
When you come out of that shower and you turn that water off, you need heat.
00:32:39.000
There's a lot of houses in Topanga Canyon that don't have air conditioning.
00:33:08.000
Some people like to have like a thin sheen of perspiration on them all the time.
00:33:13.000
You gotta have a little bit of air, something to just...
00:33:22.000
Like, when I live in Colorado, you do leave your window open one inch, and your house will fucking freeze to death in the winter.
00:33:33.000
I'm always fucking warm here, and these people who say, well, the breeze dries you, don't fucking do nothing for me.
00:33:40.000
Well, it's nice sometimes, but if it's 98 degrees in Balibu...
00:33:48.000
I mean, it only happens a couple days a year, but it happens.
00:33:50.000
But it happens the day you invite me over to the house to watch the fights or something.
00:33:56.000
It just seems like, why would you have such a big, nice house and not have air conditioning?
00:34:00.000
Like, I've seen people's houses, they're like, this is a nice house, man.
00:34:10.000
No, they want to be different and break my balls.
00:34:18.000
Well, the something factor in there raises your character.
00:34:27.000
I've never heard air conditioning is bad for you.
00:34:29.000
Well, these people will find something bad for it.
00:34:32.000
There's certain people that find something bad for it.
00:34:35.000
I can't get a tattoo, Joe, because I can't see needles.
00:34:51.000
When I went to the doctor yesterday, she goes to me, all right, so I'm going to give you this steroid.
00:35:04.000
You're a fucking nightmare with needles and shit.
00:35:07.000
When it comes to all that, they couldn't find the vein, the surgery.
00:35:14.000
Listen, if you don't find the vein this time, we go home.
00:35:18.000
You poked me three fucking times every time I faint.
00:35:30.000
As soon as I walk into the doctor, he checks my blood pressure.
00:35:33.000
Before I walk into a doctor, I could be 130 over 80. I walk into a doctor's office, it shoots up to 190 over fucking 130. Yeah, we always look at people who do drugs intravenously like, that's next level.
00:35:51.000
You're opening your vein with a piece of metal?
00:36:00.000
Like you just threw all protocol out the window.
00:36:04.000
That's why if you ever hear about someone who's like, ah, he does coke.
00:36:08.000
When someone says, this guy does a lot of coke, I put him in this category.
00:36:22.000
You know how much pain I had in my heart the first time I had to put something in my nose?
00:36:38.000
The first time I put something in my nose, it wasn't coke.
00:36:50.000
No, what you did in those days was there was a thing that you took a bunch of stems.
00:36:57.000
You got a pound of weed, you took those stems, you put them in a little bit of water, and you boil it.
00:37:02.000
The powder that goes to the end of the thing, they would scrape that up, mix it with some cutter, and then you could snort that.
00:37:19.000
But they got hip, and they started putting angel dust and gorilla tranquilizers, you know, fucking donkey fucking pills.
00:37:28.000
And next thing you know, I mean, I had a great time doing that shit.
00:37:50.000
You could either go down to like a place and buy.
00:38:08.000
Well, it's hard to tell now because your tolerance is so high.
00:38:11.000
But if you had to compare it to, like, an edible, it's like a 200 milligram?
00:38:21.000
It's like taking something that you actually go to a different fucking realm.
00:38:26.000
It's not like doing an edible, like I've done some edibles and I've gone to different realms, don't get me wrong.
00:38:31.000
But first couple times you do THC, like one time I went, I graduated high school.
00:38:41.000
Yeah, because I did crystal tea from, I was probably 15, maybe 14 and a half to up to the point my mother died.
00:38:55.000
Cocaine came in that heavy in 1980. So before 1980, you were doing the pills and you were doing the fucking THC crystals and all that shit.
00:39:13.000
And I went over one day, and they go, listen, we're not going to do the horses today.
00:39:17.000
My dad can't come if you want to hang out for the afternoon.
00:39:20.000
So I said, fuck it, I'll just take the day off.
00:39:25.000
And I was walking into one of those spots to get reefer.
00:39:30.000
My day was over, let me get weed, and I don't have to come back tonight from Jersey.
00:39:45.000
So you opened it up, and it was just a little line, and you took it and sprinkled it on your joint.
00:39:54.000
And you would roll it and smoke it, and I smoked that with her at 10. At 8 o'clock at night, I remember taking a bus over from being with her and going, I'm still fucked up.
00:40:07.000
But you know, at the end of the day, because we smoked it, and then we just sat there and talked all day.
00:40:12.000
And three hours in, she told me she was pregnant.
00:40:16.000
And that's when I go pregnant, and she opened up her jacket, and I could see her belly.
00:40:24.000
But I remember going over the fucking bridge and going to a bar and going, if I'm still fucked up at 9 o'clock at night, what are her and that baby like?
00:40:43.000
We just went to a park and sat there and talked and read the daily news and the fucked up weather.
00:41:10.000
Anybody that gets, like, loses their perspective, that's a real perspective enhancer right there.
00:41:24.000
Whatever happened to her led her to become that kind of person and takes angel dust while she's pregnant.
00:41:36.000
Like, we know things are bad for us, but the feeling it gives you feels so good, you won't want to do bad things to yourself.
00:41:46.000
It's like this bad thing to you that's piggybacked on a good time.
00:41:53.000
It's like, I'll give you a good time if you let me poison you.
00:41:57.000
Oh, you're going to remember a lot of fun times.
00:42:10.000
And it just latches ahold of you and poisons you when you let it.
00:42:14.000
But how many poisons are there, Joe, from McDonald's to steroids?
00:42:20.000
You want me to tell you what the worst poison I've ever done is?
00:42:26.000
When I shot that special, I was smoking reefer outside, and I didn't want to smell like reefer when I went in.
00:42:32.000
And I took a cigarette from somebody, like a light, and I just took two hits off it.
00:42:51.000
I'll have a Dewa's and ginger ale on a flight somewhere.
00:42:56.000
An alcohol drink doesn't fucking run with me for 12 hours, bro.
00:43:06.000
I like an Irish cream on the rocks, whatever the fuck it is.
00:43:10.000
You know, I came in before, I was early, and I was looking through your whiskey thing, that Jack Daniels of Sinatra.
00:43:20.000
A drink affects me completely different than it affects anybody.
00:43:31.000
I always fucked me up like they're watching me.
00:43:34.000
It's like it has a stronger effect on you, maybe.
00:43:36.000
No, I don't like booze because I grew up in a bar and saw the difference.
00:43:39.000
You know, you and I have a common knowledge that I talked about the other day.
00:43:43.000
I'm at a point in my life I can't take drunk people.
00:43:47.000
I couldn't take drunk people when I was 20. I was just drunk and doing drugs, so I understood them.
00:43:52.000
Now, when somebody comes up to me drunk, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
00:43:56.000
It's a hard time when you're sober and they're drunk and they're insistent on talking.
00:44:01.000
Because you're in two different frequencies and their frequency is very awkward to you.
00:44:05.000
And they don't realize that they're being awkward because they're drunk.
00:44:12.000
Some people, you know, they'll have a few drinks and you never notice a thing.
00:44:32.000
And there's certain people that they get drunk and you have to talk to them.
00:44:36.000
If you're sober and they're drunk, it's like, wow, this is getting nowhere.
00:44:45.000
That's the big problem with being drunk is you know you're drunk, but you don't really know how you sound to sober people.
00:44:54.000
There's just no way, no way you totally know how goofy you look.
00:45:02.000
But if like one person's sober, you're like, oh, this is so stupid.
00:45:06.000
Yeah, but I realized how fucking shitty I felt the next day.
00:45:10.000
Half a cigarette, like three pups, I threw it away.
00:45:14.000
Like the next day I could feel it in my body, I could still taste it.
00:45:18.000
But while you're doing it, you have no fucking idea.
00:45:21.000
While you're doing all that shit, how bad is coke for you?
00:45:38.000
When you talk to an addict and say to him, how come you can't get off?
00:45:42.000
They'll say to you, man, there's a pain, the withdrawal from heroin, even the Oxycontin and those pills, that's synthetic heroin.
00:45:54.000
I never went through that with any drug, but I've spoken to people off of heroin.
00:46:02.000
It's a fucking week-long horror show of puking and the other convulsions.
00:46:15.000
The first time I fucking put that powder in my nose, it fucked with me for a while.
00:46:24.000
And then doing coke was another complete horror show for me because I didn't mind doing drugs.
00:46:34.000
It's like the first time I missed a fucking credit, but the first time I could make a credit card payment when I got divorced, it ruined me because it was against my principal who I was.
00:46:47.000
So if you're doing coke, you feel in yourself like, wow, I'm letting myself down.
00:46:52.000
Yeah, once you put something up your fucking nose, you smacked yourself in the face at that point.
00:47:03.000
That's, you know, I had a friend for years that was hooked on it.
00:47:09.000
There'd be blood splatters on the walls from him missing the vein.
00:47:16.000
He would buy a hundred dollars worth of heroin and eight ball of coke.
00:47:25.000
That's like the coke and the heroin together and it creates some sort of a weird effect.
00:47:45.000
I think Thursday night he would break down and do a little, like, a little sniff just to keep them together during the week.
00:47:52.000
But once Friday came, you wouldn't see him till Monday morning.
00:47:56.000
And during the week, you would massage his veins.
00:48:01.000
I gotta get him going for the weekend and shit.
00:48:08.000
Like, how can you go from your arm to your toe?
00:48:13.000
Let me take my shoe off and fucking shoot my toe.
00:48:16.000
It's just the first guy I ever had friends with that did steroids.
00:48:21.000
That was one of the most interesting nights of my life.
00:48:25.000
In the middle of everything, he just took off his shirt and started doing push-ups.
00:48:39.000
Because he was going there every week and just shooting.
00:48:49.000
But he was addicted to the needle going in his ass, and then he would shoot it with vitamin B. And he would tell me he could taste the vitamin B in his mouth and shit.
00:48:58.000
When you shoot coke, you can taste it in your mouth.
00:49:05.000
Now, shooting coke, how much different is that supposed to be than snorting it?
00:49:18.000
Once they talked about needles, that's when I go home.
00:49:21.000
I don't sit in a room where there's a fucking needle because I can't sit still.
00:49:25.000
Once I see that syringe, you don't want me around.
00:49:30.000
I went to CVS a month ago, and they had syringes there.
00:49:33.000
They give you free syringes and I almost fucking died.
00:49:39.000
Those people that carry the fixes with them, they call them a fix.
00:49:45.000
And they have the spoon and the syringe and the fucking...
00:49:47.000
The lighter and the needle and their gear, right?
00:49:52.000
I would ask him, like, so when you go over there, how do you shoot it?
00:49:59.000
This is 82 when you could pass a needle from one guy to the other and shoot D-ball and fucking Decker and these guys would shoot.
00:50:12.000
Then filling it with vitamin B and shooting it.
00:50:15.000
They would go, why are we gonna, you know, because I guess, I don't know how the needle works.
00:50:21.000
So they would just take one needle and pass it with the nine guys.
00:50:26.000
The first thing you got was Hepatitis C. That's the first thing you got from that shit.
00:50:31.000
Now, you get Hepatitis C if you jam a needle into you that's been jammed into someone with Hepatitis C, right?
00:50:38.000
But you get it from sexual transmission also, correct?
00:50:54.000
Like, there had to be one person that developed this.
00:51:00.000
Like, how the fuck does something like a herpes develop?
00:51:06.000
And you blow a guy with, like, Spanish syphilis, and it becomes the herp.
00:51:15.000
You know, like right now, supposedly, all these diseases, they disappear for a while, then they make a comeback.
00:51:26.000
Something came back last year that was popular 10 years ago.
00:51:41.000
As soon as I lay down in bed, I get itchy as a motherfucker.
00:51:45.000
Imagine if you have a long-running colony of crabs that just camped out in your sack.
00:51:49.000
No, but when I took a blood test years ago, they were like, did you have something?
00:52:02.000
And they go, you must have had something because you got the tail end.
00:52:04.000
I had something like when I first moved to LA, I had something.
00:52:07.000
All those years in the road, you're gonna get something.
00:52:09.000
Now, if you don't take antibiotics, if you get something like syphilis is what killed Al Capone, right?
00:52:16.000
Like what happens if like other ones, like gonorrhea, does gonorrhea kill you?
00:52:23.000
I think eventually something's gotta happen to you.
00:52:26.000
Can gonorrhea be fatal and can you recover with no medication, Jamie?
00:52:49.000
I'm pretty sure syphilis kills everybody that gets it.
00:52:55.000
Well, it's weird because venereal doesn't sound like sex.
00:53:03.000
When you think about someone having VD. When I was about 17, my friend fucked his sister's best friend, and he got something.
00:53:09.000
He got VD. He got VD, and we went there the next day, and there was a chick with, like, fucking, like, a Phantom of the Opera mark on her face.
00:53:22.000
Like, she had, like, syphilis or something that started here.
00:53:33.000
It was really sad because I didn't know what she had.
00:53:36.000
My friend goes, you got to go in there with me, dog.
00:53:43.000
I wasn't sexually active at that age like he was.
00:53:46.000
And we went in there while I was waiting for him, dog.
00:53:48.000
This chick came in, did paperwork, and she turned around, and she had gotten something that started here.
00:53:54.000
Like, you know, she had like a cut, or what's that when you have chapped lips or something?
00:54:04.000
And after that, I was like, whew, I gotta be careful out there.
00:54:10.000
Like, someone has VD. Ah, she's got VD. Be careful, he's got VD. You know, someone having VD was like, whoa, you hear?
00:54:18.000
Betty got VD. Ooh, that fucking girl got VD. Then it became STDs.
00:54:25.000
There's a girl on Facebook that's friends with me from high school that her pussy wouldn't get wet.
00:54:29.000
So they used to call her the Dry Hump, Fairview, New Jersey.
00:54:32.000
They used to call her Fairview, New Jersey, the Dry Hump.
00:54:58.000
So you'd have to, like, bring Vaseline or something?
00:55:00.000
Yeah, she was from Wayne, New Jersey, and she was banging.
00:55:02.000
She moved to North Bergen, like, and she was a sophomore.
00:55:14.000
And one night in 84, I'm at a bar, and this bitch comes in, I mean, banging.
00:55:21.000
They also said she had some type of VD, so they called her Laurie Jack.
00:55:38.000
And she dated, like, a Rocky, like a rock guy that had, like, long hair and shit.
00:56:01.000
And I go, if she's his nanny, he's just fucking her.
00:56:07.000
She disappeared like 130. And finally at like 3 I'm sitting and I'm like, what am I going to do tonight?
00:56:38.000
I go, listen, I got like two eight balls in my pocket.
00:56:51.000
I don't give a fuck about the VD or the Jack or the dry hump.
00:57:01.000
She's like, I'll put Lou in bed and I'll run out.
00:57:04.000
About 15 minutes later, I see her running out with her purse with like a bank deposit bag.
00:57:29.000
They asked us if we wanted the jacuzzi in the room and shit.
00:57:32.000
It was one of those dirty hotels on Tunley as you're going to New York City.
00:57:36.000
We went in there, we walk in, and she goes, rule number one, you are not gonna fuck me.
00:57:40.000
It's five in the morning, there goes my fucking, there goes this night.
00:57:44.000
And all of a sudden she looks at me, she goes, well, if you could guess the color of my panties, I'll fuck you.
00:58:00.000
I woke up at 5 in the afternoon, and Doug Flutie was throwing that quarterback, that touchdown.
00:58:12.000
I'm waking up, and Doug Flutie's throwing the touchdown.
00:58:15.000
I got dressed and got the fuck out of it and never saw her again.
00:58:21.000
She pops up on Facebook about two years ago and I'm like, Laurie, how are you?
00:58:26.000
She's like, fuck you, you fat faggot and all this shit.
00:58:29.000
She's like, you left me there that night, but we had a good time.
00:58:34.000
And I hit her back and go, what color are your panties?
00:59:19.000
I went home and took my underwear off and got like a magnifying glass.
00:59:29.000
Like one of those fucking bug bombs and leave for 12 hours.
00:59:44.000
Lady next door knocked, do you have a bug problem?
00:59:49.000
Ever since you moved in here, there's been crabs and shit.
00:59:55.000
And you ever have a dog with fleas because the fleas get in the carpet?
00:59:59.000
They had like a flea collar that you'd put on your dog, but it barely worked.
01:00:04.000
And then they had these flea drops that you put on them.
01:00:09.000
He would squirt it on their fur, like at various spots, like right behind the neck, and then like in the middle of the back, and then the lower back.
01:00:15.000
And the dog would go fucking crazy and roll around the ground, try to get that shit off him.
01:00:20.000
But if you didn't do it, your dog's gonna get fleas, and we had carpet.
01:00:26.000
So when you're walking, in my bedroom, I'd be walking in my carpet and I'd see a flea jump onto my leg.
01:00:37.000
I mean, there was some carpet stuff that I used to have to shake down.
01:00:42.000
So I'd shake down all this poison shit all over my carpet and then you have to vacuum it up.
01:00:48.000
But there was always one or two that survived, one or two gangster fleas that figured out how to fucking stay away from the powder and then figure their way right back onto your leg.
01:00:56.000
And it was hard to get it off the dogs, too, because then they would just go hang out with other dogs.
01:01:02.000
Even if you cleaned them up and killed all the fleas, they got them again.
01:01:05.000
You could see the eggs, like you'd be cleaning them, like you'd wash your dog.
01:01:10.000
At the base of their hair, you'd find these little eggs.
01:01:17.000
They would just drop and shit all over your carpeting.
01:01:28.000
He was a puppy, and he would go into convulsions.
01:02:11.000
I was like, wow, that guy got killed by a drunk driver?
01:02:35.000
Guys who have been through hardcore divorces, Man, they have a fucking way.
01:02:40.000
They have a way of grabbing you and putting that urgency in you.
01:02:58.000
You know what the problem with a lot of fucking people is, especially a lot of dudes with money, is when you get married, Your wife has money too now.
01:03:09.000
Like, before you got married, you were the guy with money.
01:03:30.000
And she's like, God damn it, I'm going to take my share and get the fuck out of here.
01:03:38.000
There's a bunch of things that happen when people get married, right?
01:03:40.000
There's love, there's devotion, there's commitment, there's a beautiful bond that you guys share.
01:03:48.000
Under the exact same rules, with the exact same words, I do, I do, there's a lot of scamming going on.
01:04:03.000
There's a lot of really hot women who have no business fucking some old dude.
01:04:08.000
There's a lot of really hot women that are like fucking some guy who's 70 years old and they talk this dummy into marrying them with no prenuptial.
01:04:16.000
They suck his dick for a couple years and drop the kablooey on him.
01:04:21.000
And take a chunk, just take a giant chunk of millions and millions of dollars.
01:04:29.000
I'm not saying it shouldn't happen, and I'm not saying it's not an interesting deal, you know, that some people make, you know, like the guy who married Anna Nicole Smith.
01:04:37.000
Remember I used to have that bit about that guy?
01:04:49.000
So people that were upset about, like, gay marriage, there's gay people that legitimately love each other and they want to get married.
01:04:57.000
You should be upset that you could go to Vegas, high on coke, go through a drive-thru, and get married.
01:05:05.000
They take you to those drive-thru Elvis fucking wedding chapels in Vegas.
01:05:13.000
You mean maybe you can get it annulled tomorrow if you are?
01:05:24.000
Marriage is bad for somebody when they lose something.
01:05:30.000
If you marry somebody and all of a sudden you go, hey, I don't want to be married no more.
01:05:43.000
You know, or somebody cheated on you or whatever.
01:05:51.000
When I could do comedy now and the whole thing?
01:06:03.000
Sometimes we don't put enough into the marriage.
01:06:05.000
You know, I didn't know what marriage was when I first got married.
01:06:08.000
I'll tell you what, I know what marriage is now, motherfucker.
01:06:11.000
I know what marriage is now, and that's why it works.
01:06:16.000
When I first got married, you do the laundry, you cook, and I give you a check.
01:06:30.000
I didn't think you had to pay attention or go to a date night or fucking have to put time into them or, you know, I can't do a spot tonight because I'm going to the movies with my wife.
01:06:38.000
You know, you have to put that time in if you want it to fucking work.
01:06:46.000
It's hard, you know, it's hard to find someone that you enjoy talking to, you know, that you enjoy being with.
01:06:52.000
Not just doing stuff with, but just sitting alone and talking.
01:06:57.000
It's hard to find people that are on the same wavelength as you.
01:07:00.000
It's hard to find people that want to talk about the things you want to talk about or want to, you know, want to see things through your perspective and that you want to see things through their perspective.
01:07:09.000
That you want to have these open, kind of honest conversations.
01:07:15.000
These poor people that we all know that are on dating apps, especially smart women.
01:07:21.000
I know a lot of smart women that cannot find a fucking man to save their life.
01:07:25.000
And you look at it and you're like, I don't get it.
01:07:27.000
Smart, ambitious, powerful woman, hot, can't find a man.
01:07:36.000
To find somebody that you sync with, that you can talk to, I think it's way easier for a dude to find a cool chick than it is for a girl to find a guy who's got his shit together.
01:07:54.000
There's a lot of single women out there that are fucking good-looking, having jobs and shit.
01:08:03.000
We didn't get that close to them that we didn't see what their...
01:08:12.000
There's a bunch of women that look at you and go, oh, I'd love to be with them, and then they get with you, and they're like, this guy flies out of town every fucking weekend.
01:08:18.000
Like, little things that they don't understand.
01:08:21.000
Have you ever had guys that you're friends with who, like, back up off the comedy because they get a new girlfriend, and the new girlfriend's like, I don't want you going out.
01:08:36.000
Baseball player has to go to the field and practice.
01:08:41.000
You don't think about it that way because you don't do it, but you gotta understand it's the same thing.
01:08:45.000
Well, when I dated the stripper, the crazy bitch, she didn't understand that.
01:08:53.000
You and her together were one of my favorite couples of all time.
01:09:04.000
It was one of the reasons why I fell in love with you.
01:09:12.000
All right, first, when we broke up, she went to Florida, and she ended up marrying this old Hindu guy.
01:09:32.000
Bought one, bought two, bought three, bought four, became like a fucking...
01:09:37.000
And then sold them all when they were still hot.
01:09:47.000
Well, the whole idea was like, don't work out that hard.
01:10:01.000
You think of it as, you know, when you say embrace your curves, yeah, definitely.
01:10:10.000
Are you saying, you know, don't work out that hard?
01:10:31.000
Half of these fucking humps go to the gym to see girls anyway.
01:10:35.000
Most of them do, so that's why it would be empty.
01:10:37.000
There's a lot of guys who go to the gym and they don't even get motivated unless girls are working out there.
01:10:47.000
You know, you're like naked, but covered up with like cloth, like paint.
01:11:02.000
In Boston, we were working out at this gym, and there was this girl that was, you know those hardcore gym girls?
01:11:08.000
Those hardcore gym girls who just, I follow a couple of them on Instagram, and they do squats, and fucking, they're doing like, a perfect example is that guy, Kieran, who was here, Kieran Fitzgibbons, his wife's name is Jack Jessica.
01:11:23.000
She's like a CrossFit champion, and she's just ridiculously fit.
01:11:40.000
There's a girl at the Y that does deadlifts, the whole fucking thing.
01:11:46.000
Me and Cam Haynes were looking at her and Cam was like, I want to be built like her.
01:12:07.000
Now, if they were told they can't go to a gym because it's an all-male powerlifting gym, but the problem is, like, a girl goes to a gym and hits on guys is really not that big of a deal.
01:12:17.000
But if a guy goes to an all-girl gym and starts hitting on the girls, that becomes gross.
01:12:29.000
It's a different feeling for them to hit on us than it is for us to hit on them.
01:12:36.000
A guy hitting on a girl, there's a certain element of danger involved in that.
01:12:41.000
If some crazy girl comes to the gym and she's like, yeah, I'll fucking give you a deadlift.
01:12:55.000
But, like, if you go to Crunch, like, say you go to those Hollywood gyms with Vian and all those, you see that the girls get ready an hour before they go to the gym.
01:13:05.000
Makeup, the hat with the tail coming out, the fucking color coordinator.
01:13:10.000
I mean, they go to those gyms to get picked up.
01:13:12.000
And the guys that go there, They go for action, too.
01:13:15.000
When you go to the Y, it slows down a little bit.
01:13:18.000
There's still a couple women that go in there, they get a stab, and I see them all the time.
01:13:21.000
They go in there with the little towels and the yoga pants, and they're mingling with the trainers and shit.
01:13:27.000
But then you go to other gyms, and that's not even happening.
01:13:33.000
You also recognize what a person's got going on physically.
01:13:58.000
Especially when you're doing them kind of kicking maneuvers.
01:14:00.000
If there's any sort of opening there and some things get pushed to the side.
01:14:05.000
Come fucking flying out of the bottom of there.
01:14:19.000
And there's always like some dude helping them.
01:14:27.000
But she's not just doing that for him, she's doing that for other guys too.
01:14:31.000
She's like putting out that scent, accelerating the game.
01:14:36.000
The whole competition just ramps up a couple of notches while she's doing squats.
01:14:49.000
High fives the guys, walks around, makes eye contact with the audience.
01:14:57.000
There was a girl at the Y. When I first started going to one in Hollywood.
01:15:12.000
She would always wear gray sweatpants and she wouldn't wear underwear.
01:15:19.000
Come right through the fucking, so she'd be walking up to you and you'd see the fucking wet thing.
01:15:32.000
I wouldn't talk to her, but I'd see her in there talking to the different guys.
01:15:35.000
But she'd be benching and she'd open up her thighs and that little swamp would just be fucking drenched with sweat.
01:15:44.000
I would look at it and shake my fucking, this girl's, you know, Hollywood, man.
01:15:52.000
And I'm driving, I'm in a light, and I see a black dude that weighed, he was six feet, weighed 120 pounds.
01:16:00.000
With a Clint Eastwood hat on from Fistful of Dollars and the poncho from Clint Eastwood.
01:16:06.000
And he was standing next to a big fat white dude with a beard like Jesus with sandals in the Jesus tank.
01:16:18.000
You see that at the comedy store almost any night.
01:16:20.000
Almost any night, you see that one dude who dresses like Jesus?
01:16:23.000
One time he came by and he wasn't dressed like Jesus, I was disappointed.
01:16:27.000
I've seen that guy a hundred times, at least, dressed like Jesus.
01:16:31.000
And then one time I saw him, he wasn't dressed like Jesus.
01:16:33.000
I was like, what the fuck are you doing here, man?
01:16:38.000
Have you ever seen him without the Jesus outfit?
01:16:43.000
He said he walks in there like Jesus, too, with his head down, like, pulling it from the back, and he's fucking...
01:16:53.000
There used to be a dude, you remember the guy who used to walk up and down the street with a cross on his back?
01:17:00.000
Yeah, there was a dude who used to walk down the street with a cross, and sometimes people would carry the cross, and sometimes he would strap it on his back.
01:17:08.000
But he would walk down with a bunch of disciples, and they all had Bibles, and they would start yelling out, Different quotes from the Bible.
01:17:18.000
And they would tell them to people in the front patio.
01:17:21.000
This was back before the front patio had a bar.
01:17:23.000
Remember, the front patio was basically wasted space until the new administration came along.
01:17:28.000
When did they open up the bar at the front patio?
01:17:48.000
You know, it was never really, they would break even every night.
01:18:07.000
Before we came back, they would have, like, on open mic night, they would have a spill-out show where they would have an open mic night out there on the patio.
01:18:15.000
But apparently, people were just yelling out, or something.
01:18:23.000
You know, I was watching Almost Famous the other day.
01:18:28.000
Almost Famous was on, whatever, and I was watching, and they got to the part when they were at the hotel next door.
01:18:34.000
And actually, you see them crossing the street in the store.
01:18:40.000
It's supposed to be 1969. What are you going to do at the store?
01:18:48.000
When the store went from Ciro's to the store, was it closed down for a while?
01:19:05.000
72. But Ciro's was in the Bugsy Siegel days, which was what?
01:19:23.000
It was, Ciro's was closed in 1957, and then it was a rock club, rock and roll club in the 1960s.
01:19:37.000
We were talking one day and you said that there must be like a beam that shoots down to put all those people together at the Comedy Store.
01:19:47.000
Well, if you look at that fucking Almost Famous, I mean, everybody stay at that hotel next door.
01:19:51.000
That was the spot where you just checked in when you weren't on tour.
01:19:55.000
Let's go to the Riot House and get fucked up for a week and a half, you know?
01:20:00.000
It's amazing how those two spots are next to each other.
01:20:02.000
Like, they're so legendary and they're next to each other.
01:20:05.000
I'd like to get some sort of fucking Native American medicine man to walk around that place and tell me what kind of spirits he senses.
01:20:17.000
200 years of comedy of murders, the Bugsy Siegel days, like how many people were whacked in that spot, the rock days, how many people probably OD'd at a rock club in the 1960s and 70s before it became the store,
01:20:34.000
Can you believe February 19th, on my birthday, I'll be at the store 20 fucking years.
01:20:44.000
Like, usually you hang out at a bar at your neighborhood, you go for, like, four years, then you graduate, you're done.
01:20:49.000
You know those bars that, oh, let's go down to Bugsy's or whatever the fuck.
01:20:56.000
Second time I got on stage, somebody came up to me and said, has Mitzi Shaw seen you yet?
01:21:06.000
And then the more I got into comedy over the years, people would say to me, has Mitzi seen you yet?
01:21:13.000
But it's so weird, I've been there for 20 fucking years.
01:21:17.000
We were talking the other day about how she used to call you Fat Baby.
01:21:27.000
And she would stick her finger in my stomach and go to let the air out.
01:21:44.000
I went home the other night and I had to scratch my head a few times.
01:21:49.000
I've been doing this comedy shit for 25 fucking years.
01:21:52.000
First time I got on stage, did I fucking think I'd be here 25 years later than I think of stardom?
01:21:59.000
I just thought that finally I'm going to be able to do something with my life.
01:22:02.000
That's all I wanted to do, just something with my life.
01:22:05.000
I was talking to my buddy, ever since I shot the special, I've been thinking about 1993 a lot.
01:22:13.000
Where I was in 1993. I was living in New York City.
01:22:21.000
I did comedy for two years the way I went to jujitsu for two years.
01:22:26.000
I would go twice one week, one week I wouldn't go, then I'd go three times one week, and then I wouldn't go for two weeks.
01:22:33.000
I didn't know how to really get my hands on it.
01:22:44.000
And I went home and lived with a friend of mine and just went around the city and did comedy.
01:22:48.000
And I had no comprehension on what I was doing.
01:22:52.000
And then one night I walked into the old Triple Inn.
01:22:55.000
It used to be like an open mic that started at 11 and went till 2 or something in the city at 3 o'clock.
01:23:06.000
And I dropped the guy off in Manhattan, and I go, let me go get a spot over there.
01:23:11.000
And I went over there, and they said, there's no spots tonight, because Leguizamo was on stage.
01:23:20.000
Like, every time I'd walk in there, I'd think about my comedy career.
01:23:22.000
Like, I got to figure something out, because I'm not going to keep doing this.
01:23:29.000
When you're first starting to do comedy, you're waiting for the lights.
01:23:40.000
And finally one night I went and I saw Leguizamo and then I go, I get it.
01:24:14.000
I had read a couple books by that fucking writer, that one that wrote for Lucia Ball.
01:24:26.000
Ladies and gentlemen, when he lived at the Chelsea Hotel and he fucking did heroin at night with jazz musicians.
01:24:34.000
But I thought stand-up was something that you became...
01:24:39.000
I thought that when people went up on stage to shoot a special, like Joe Rogan's here, tell them we got cameras.
01:24:47.000
I thought when you shot a special, you just went up and talked for 30 minutes.
01:24:56.000
I went in there and I understand the process now.
01:24:59.000
I think three months, not even, like a month later I was back in Colorado.
01:25:02.000
And I was determined to get on stage every night.
01:25:17.000
I would write whatever I could and just go on stage loosely.
01:25:25.000
So I keep thinking about 93. I lived in a fucking room with my buddy who did heroin.
01:25:32.000
I would sell cars on 11th Avenue down there, you know, New York City.
01:25:36.000
I had one white shirt, and I would wear the same shirt every day.
01:25:40.000
I would have to come home, jump in the shower, and I would wash my shirt in the shower.
01:25:44.000
And I would hang it up, and then I would iron it every fucking day.
01:25:54.000
Some days I would pass out packages for AT&T and get $400 a week.
01:26:11.000
I wasn't I just wanted to do something, you know, so this is why I keep thinking about how fucking 23 years later I shot a special and Just it just goes back to what you did You know I had one I would have to I wouldn't have to be at work till 10 some days,
01:26:33.000
Bus my friend with the steroids his father was a bus driver He'd let me ride to the city for free So I would take the 6 a.m.
01:26:45.000
And then to get home, I would fucking go into service.
01:26:48.000
When I would sell cars, I would go into the service at 9 o'clock and I would steal change from people's cars.
01:26:55.000
I would bring just enough money for lunch between rent, child support, clothes, reefer, cocaine, and the fucking...
01:27:05.000
If my buddies had it, I would have to do it because I was just trying to do comedy, you know?
01:27:09.000
And you think about in the beginning what you really went through, you know, how you delivered papers, right?
01:27:18.000
And to see you now, it's such a big difference, but I never saw this.
01:27:25.000
Yeah, when you see someone that's already doing comedy clubs and headlining places and you're just starting out, it doesn't seem that far away.
01:27:33.000
It's like, oh, all I need to do is just get an act together and I can do what he's doing.
01:27:41.000
Like somebody tried to tell me once that it took 10 years for you to become a real headliner.
01:27:51.000
Because something happens ten years in, you know, or maybe you're smarter than me.
01:28:00.000
I get a better understanding of what the fuck I'm doing.
01:28:05.000
But you still don't see it the way you would see it if it wasn't you.
01:28:08.000
If you know as much as you know about stand-up and you could watch yourself...
01:28:13.000
Not be you you would be able to fix a lot of things with your act But a lot of the things with your act like you kind of shield yourself Because you're just trying to get it to work.
01:28:23.000
You're just trying to put it together, you know and a lot of times you're not even aware of How the joke is coming off to other people because you're doing it yourself You're too caught up in the idea of delivering it to understand what it's like to receive it And it takes a long fucking time to figure out.
01:28:46.000
Because you've got to take these weird chances with new bits.
01:28:48.000
You've got to start premises maybe that you don't know where they're going and let it under pressure of stage sometimes come out.
01:28:57.000
Especially when you're working out at the store and trying to come up with new stuff.
01:29:01.000
Under the pressure of being on stage, you can sort of like every now and then pop an idea through.
01:29:06.000
Every now and then a new tagline comes through that makes you laugh and a new moment comes through.
01:29:11.000
And if you don't invest in those moments of doing those bits on stage, you never fucking know.
01:29:16.000
And if you don't take those chances, if you just keep doing the same shit over and over again, you don't take those chances.
01:29:21.000
You don't know whether or not you could go down those roads.
01:29:24.000
Dog, I didn't become a headliner until 18 years.
01:29:32.000
I love when guys look at you and go, well, I got an hour.
01:29:35.000
The big difference of being a fucking headliner, my friend, okay?
01:29:39.000
This weekend, there's a great fight on the card.
01:29:41.000
It's Pettis, whatever big Pettis against Anthony Pettis versus Max Holloway.
01:29:47.000
Right, so you look at Max Holloway, he's nine in a row, fucking hits hard, heart of a line, crazy.
01:29:58.000
He's been in there with some big fucking names.
01:30:00.000
He's been in championship fights when the lights matter and shit like that.
01:30:11.000
At the store, I am very proud to be a store comic because of all those years of doing those late spites.
01:30:23.000
When you're a plumber, when you're a roofer, okay?
01:30:29.000
Why you're paying me 25 instead of 15 is because I know how to get around the problems.
01:30:35.000
When you come to me and go, The fucking pipe there.
01:30:46.000
I knew I could do an hour, but I always felt like that Penzoil commercial.
01:30:51.000
You can either pay me now, or you can pay me later.
01:30:54.000
I love those motherfuckers that come out here and go, bitch, I was a headliner four years.
01:31:06.000
They're gonna have to follow somebody who they're not ready for, and because they've only been doing comedy six years, it's gonna hurt them a little more than it would hurt me and you.
01:31:19.000
Every day I write jokes, I prepare them, and I know I'm gonna go up there.
01:31:22.000
And do the best I can, but sometimes that don't pan out the way, you know?
01:31:26.000
And sometimes there's a girl in there before you that's having a great night.
01:31:35.000
And you gotta go up there and figure a way around it.
01:31:41.000
You could blow up that room, and I'll tell you what, I may not be able to follow you, but I would get a few laughs where 10 years ago I wasn't getting anything.
01:31:49.000
Because I was caught up in the lights, and let's keep it going for Joe one more time.
01:31:56.000
But if you go up there and just run with that energy, it's experience in my world.
01:32:01.000
You know, I didn't make any big decisions until I got fucking...
01:32:20.000
I just saw a guy, a Marcelo Garcia guy did a seminar.
01:32:26.000
And he goes, for years, I just put myself in the half guard.
01:32:30.000
He goes, I can feel anything you're going to do.
01:32:32.000
He goes, even when you're going to pop that leg over to get away, he goes, I'll just catch you with this leg and put you.
01:32:40.000
He goes, I put myself in half guard every fucking day for 10 years.
01:32:45.000
I know exactly what reaction you're going to do.
01:32:49.000
I never had the hard times I've had at the comedy store.
01:32:54.000
When you're dying at a club and it's a feature, headliner, MC club, you have momentum to pick yourself back up.
01:33:02.000
So if I go over there and die for 10 minutes, I could get onto something and gradually work them back.
01:33:12.000
And once you die at the store for seven minutes, it's like the fucking Roman Coliseum.
01:33:20.000
The store, I've never had a medium set at the store.
01:33:31.000
You don't have 20 minutes to work yourself out of this situation.
01:33:34.000
They also know there's a bunch of people coming next.
01:33:40.000
You know, sometimes you'll see someone that's just...
01:33:43.000
On a normal night, maybe their ideas would work, but tonight it's not going to work because there's just been too many different people on before them, and then it's just they've seen too much.
01:33:54.000
That's one of those things where those late-night spots are so important.
01:33:59.000
I wonder if in music it helps the performers if they get occasionally a real small crowd.
01:34:04.000
They have to sing for a crowd of 15, 20 people.
01:34:08.000
I wonder if that lets you get in your own head better.
01:34:12.000
But we're to the point in our lives, especially those first six years at the Comedy Store, 1245, you've got to assume there's going to be 17 people in the audience.
01:34:23.000
And you have to say something that they haven't heard if they sat there all fucking night.
01:34:31.000
And it would force you to go out of your realm.
01:34:34.000
You know, when we shot, we were talking about specials, shooting specials.
01:34:38.000
When I shot the first show, I died because I was too worried about my material.
01:34:45.000
Then I remembered what the fuck I am, the second show, and now you get it back.
01:34:53.000
25 years, you shoot a special, and you're still fucking up?
01:34:57.000
Hey, dawg, this is why I love this, because I learn something new every fucking day.
01:35:02.000
Well, as long as you have new subjects to talk about, you're going to have new ideas, so you're going to have new bits, so you're going to have work to do.
01:35:18.000
It's weird in that if you go to see the Rolling Stones, you want to hear brown sugar.
01:35:25.000
If I go to see you, I want to hear some new shit.
01:35:28.000
You know, it's just the way it is for our business.
01:35:37.000
Well, there's two trains of thought to this that are really interesting.
01:35:42.000
Because I did something this year that I knew I couldn't pull off.
01:35:47.000
For me, I can only shoot a special every 18 months.
01:35:52.000
Once I looked at the product from the special, I knew that those jokes could have still had six more months of working on them.
01:36:02.000
There's a joke I close with that I've been doing now for two years just because people say, hey, I came to see you didn't do that fucking joke.
01:36:08.000
And I've noticed how good that joke has become.
01:36:11.000
And every two weeks, I had a tag for that joke, even though it's still fucking old when I do it.
01:36:22.000
You know, I put a CD out a couple years ago, and I liked the bit I did, but that bit was not finished.
01:36:32.000
Fuck no, I've added 10 minutes to that bit in the last fucking year.
01:36:35.000
Just because I liked it so much, there's something in there.
01:36:40.000
So there's a train of thought there, and I didn't know this.
01:36:43.000
Listen, when I come to see you every year, I want you to have 30 new minutes of material.
01:36:49.000
But what you're telling me is, you can make that joke better, run it by me.
01:36:57.000
And that's what I'm going to continue to do now.
01:36:59.000
Those jokes that I had from the special, guess what?
01:37:02.000
But I'll bring them back in a year, and I'll add different tags.
01:37:06.000
And even if every time you do a long set, just bring one bit back out of six and do it, they're going to strengthen.
01:37:13.000
And one day you're going to be able to do three hours.
01:37:21.000
That's a mistake I made on the first two albums.
01:37:26.000
Sometimes you get to them when you're like, I don't even want to do this anymore.
01:37:30.000
That's why I didn't call for spots this week, no.
01:37:43.000
Sometimes when you do too much comedy in a row, you go to stuff.
01:37:52.000
Before the special, I didn't want to keep saying I'm coming on the feet.
01:38:02.000
The only way to break that habit is to forget about it.
01:38:15.000
I gotta take it to the zoo at night for the fucking lights.
01:38:20.000
But I've learned a lot, man, from shooting this that no special's ever done.
01:38:26.000
If you go see the Stones, you might be disappointed sometimes.
01:38:30.000
Because sometimes the Stones will play a song It don't sound like what you were used to listening to it.
01:38:35.000
Because over the years, they added this fucking whole thing on the road to it, which you'll never hear because you didn't go.
01:38:48.000
Like that band Honey Honey, they do that all the time.
01:38:51.000
They'll do a song and it's like it's a different version of a song that I've heard on their CD. I think going to see live bands is good for us, too.
01:39:03.000
You know, when you're there, I was watching something.
01:39:12.000
I go, Joe Dears, as a comedian, you're gonna fucking tell me that a little bit of Johnny Cash isn't in me.
01:39:24.000
I want a little bit of the Allman Brothers, that dirty.
01:39:31.000
This could be zero to a hundred quick in this motherfucker.
01:39:34.000
I want a little Leonard Skinner than my comedy.
01:39:51.000
Any band, I like the fucking thunder of Led Zeppelin.
01:39:55.000
That thunder, have you watched Led Zeppelin from the garden?
01:39:58.000
There's no fucking lights or explosions or midgets running around.
01:40:03.000
It's just four dirty white motherfuckers laying it on you.
01:40:06.000
I like the fucking Led Zeppelin effect in my stand-up.
01:40:10.000
It all mixes in there, but Johnny Cash is definitely in my stand-up.
01:40:17.000
Everything you've ever seen that's made you feel good gets in there.
01:40:30.000
We're trying to figure out when, what, there's a bunch of different stories of the no respect, like when he changed it to no respect.
01:40:36.000
Someone was telling me it was from a fucking movie, that a movie came out, and then after that movie he started saying no respect.
01:40:56.000
He was hanging out with this 40 year old hot broad.
01:41:03.000
Bitch, I got a call to go to a fucking audition one day.
01:41:08.000
And they go, you're reading for the new Rodney movie.
01:41:12.000
I go down to the sunset right by the tequila hut there before we hit the comedy store.
01:41:17.000
There's that little tequila at that light there.
01:41:23.000
And who's in the room but Rodney Dangerfield, though?
01:41:25.000
This is the motherfucker I waited a year for to see Easy Money.
01:41:30.000
Because in my world, Easy Money is fucking tremendous.
01:41:38.000
I took an eight pack of Budweiser nips to see fucking easy money, okay?
01:41:50.000
I walk into this room and here's Rodney Dangerfield.
01:41:59.000
I didn't overly, oh, it's you the reason why I'm here.
01:42:22.000
She goes, to go to Hollywood Studios tomorrow at 8 in the morning.
01:42:30.000
My agent goes, nah, he's going to find something for you.
01:42:43.000
Only Comedy Central airs it once a year like at four in the morning.
01:43:19.000
And he'd sign, and he'd go, all right, see you tomorrow night.
01:43:22.000
And that was my job for seven fucking days, bro.
01:43:29.000
They had to read him the lines off camera, and then he would say the lines over again.
01:43:40.000
I mean, when you think about all-time influential figures, with his Rodney Dangerfield specials, he introduced the world to some of the greatest of all time.
01:43:51.000
And not a lot of people would ever do something like that.
01:43:56.000
Have you ever heard some of the backstories to that?
01:44:00.000
No, to the Rodney things, like how he got into it with...
01:44:13.000
Like, I hate working at clubs where it's a comedy, a comic-owned club, and they treat you like a, like, Dick, you ain't some fucking dude from Missouri.
01:44:26.000
And there was one story where Barry Sobel wanted to wear a leather jacket.
01:44:30.000
And he kept arguing with him, and he goes, Dog, you know Dice wears the leather.
01:44:39.000
That would suck, though, if you're Barry Sova and you wear a leather jacket all the time.
01:44:43.000
I think he ended up wearing the leather in the special.
01:44:47.000
Didn't he have, like, a members-only jacket made out of leather?
01:44:55.000
When I was around Rodney that week, it was just fucking great.
01:44:57.000
He told Paul Rodriguez, kept on doing impersonation of him.
01:45:03.000
I'm going to fire you and replace you with George Lopez.
01:45:21.000
Did you ever see when he was going on stage with a bathrobe on?
01:45:26.000
He did a lot of shows where he was naked with a bathrobe on.
01:45:30.000
When he'd go on stage with fucking slippers, he would slide up to the stage, just fucking walk up to the microphone and do his entire hour with a fucking bathrobe on with nothing underneath.
01:45:43.000
I was working as a security guard at Great Woods in Mansfield, Massachusetts.
01:45:49.000
There's an outside amphitheater and, you know, there's a covering of some...
01:45:54.000
Part of the area is covered and the back area is exposed.
01:46:13.000
I saw him there, he was there, I barely paid attention.
01:46:25.000
But Rodney was in the back, and one of the guys who works for us goes, dude, he goes, Rodney's back there, his dick and his balls are hanging out of his fucking back room, he doesn't give a shit.
01:46:39.000
And I saw him walking around with the bathrobe.
01:46:42.000
I remember looking down this hall towards the back area where the backstage is.
01:46:47.000
And I'm seeing Roddy Dangerfield's green room and he's walking around with his bathrobe.
01:47:05.000
Not to interrupt you, the other day I saw a thing on, somebody posted this.
01:47:09.000
It was Frank Sinatra on The Tonight Show and Don Rickles came on.
01:47:26.000
The dude, I watched those two things on HBO about him and I fell in love with him.
01:47:42.000
He just fucking didn't put up with this Gentile shit.
01:48:12.000
If you're watching this on YouTube, you'll have to listen to the audio version of it.
01:48:19.000
Frank Sinatra is surprised by Don Rickles at Johnny Carson's show.
01:48:29.000
Both of them gotta be 60. Watch this motherfucker, though.
01:48:47.000
He drops down on his knees like he's kissing the king's hand.
01:49:15.000
Yeah, but the people on YouTube that are watching and will watch in the future can't hear it, right?
01:49:23.000
But when they're at home, tell them to watch it.
01:49:33.000
He's down at the Canyon Club with, what's his face, Regis.
01:49:53.000
They have a billboard on the 101. If you're coming back from Thousand Oaks, you can see it on the 101 that shows all the different people there.
01:50:00.000
Ted Nugent's there once a year, every year around July.
01:50:08.000
It's not the best place to do stand-up, because they make people stand in the back.
01:50:12.000
People get seated in the front, and they stand in the back.
01:50:24.000
But there was a lot of people there, but I had a deal with them.
01:50:27.000
I said, I only want to sell tickets to the people that get to sit down.
01:50:31.000
I go, as soon as you run out of seated tickets, I go, stop selling tickets.
01:50:37.000
He goes, well, people are still buying tickets.
01:50:41.000
Like, the contract is you're not supposed to have people standing up.
01:50:44.000
Like, I was going to get less money so that people could have a seat, because it would be better.
01:50:50.000
And he's like, yeah, but we're still selling tickets.
01:50:56.000
Like, they just decided to smoosh everybody in there.
01:50:59.000
It's just not as fun to stand around and watch comedy.
01:51:03.000
Doug was doing a lot of those bar shows, standing room shows.
01:51:07.000
And I went there, and as much as I love Doug, and it was like concrete, some place in Hollywood, we were standing there, my fucking, your legs start hurting.
01:51:19.000
Like, you don't enjoy it as much if you're not sitting down.
01:51:24.000
And the conscience just goes away from the stand, and by the 40 minute mark, it's like a light talk.
01:51:31.000
You could be throwing heat, but it happened a couple weeks ago at this thing.
01:51:35.000
I got there and they had 200 people standing up.
01:51:44.000
And you can work through it a little bit, but you feel it.
01:51:47.000
Remember when we used to do the House of Blues in Vegas?
01:51:51.000
That whole back area was filled with people standing and talking.
01:51:54.000
And the two bars, a bar to the left and a bar to the right.
01:52:09.000
They'll put them in the bathroom if they want to listen to it.
01:52:13.000
And a lot of those music shows, too, you gotta stand.
01:52:15.000
I remember years later, I'm like, no wonder I got people throwing punches and shit at Aerosmith one time, because I've been fucking standing, man.
01:52:27.000
Now at music shows, you sit down, and then you stand up, too, or you're on your feet the whole fucking...
01:52:35.000
Those music shows are just an excuse for people to get fucking hammered, go see a bunch of bands, wander around the desert, or wherever the fuck they are.
01:52:45.000
Just dust bowls and picking fucking dust out of your teeth and eyes.
01:53:01.000
And then there's South by Southwest, which is in Austin.
01:53:04.000
There's a bunch of these little music festivals now.
01:53:16.000
But when people want to invite you to those stand-up ones, do you ever go to stand-up festivals?
01:53:36.000
Someone could figure out how to open up that old laugh stop in River Oaks.
01:53:47.000
That motherfucker would go down there and scoop it up.
01:54:06.000
Didn't John Wessling have something to do with it for a while?
01:54:16.000
Those young guys are there running that festival.
01:54:33.000
That's the Houston of 99. Want me to tell you where it is now?
01:54:40.000
Portland, Oregon is the new big, I mean, comedy is at a whole, it's huge right now.
01:54:48.000
You know, all these cities have one marquee room, two little underground rooms.
01:54:58.000
Brian Morton, every Saturday with Feature X. Comedy's at an all-time high.
01:55:08.000
This is the fourth year in a row I've been there.
01:55:21.000
She sold that somewhere on fucking 12,000 seats.
01:55:29.000
When you were in Columbus a few months ago, Hannibal Buress and Delia were in town.
01:55:33.000
I mean, this is every week, and all three shows were selling, you know, 2,000 seats.
01:55:38.000
Comedy is at an all-time high, but Portland is the Houston of 2,000.
01:55:45.000
You can see when people talk to you afterward, they come and they talk to you about comedy.
01:56:00.000
Portland's a smart place and they appreciate art.
01:56:10.000
Like when it comes to like, it's a smaller community.
01:56:27.000
Overall, it would be a great place if they developed a big scene.
01:56:30.000
I know they got the Comedy Underground there, and that other place is fantastic.
01:56:39.000
And they've got some other rooms, satellites around.
01:56:42.000
But I mean, that's everywhere now, from Indianapolis to everywhere.
01:57:03.000
You ever want to do it, just call the guy and go, I want a secret show.
01:57:18.000
We just know it's going to be one of the guys who's here during the week.
01:57:38.000
He has a secret show and it put 30 people on the poster.
01:58:01.000
That's when you're telling me that you're just a fan of comedy.
01:58:10.000
It's also a real good example of the reputation of the club.
01:58:15.000
They trust the club so much, the club has so many headliners connected to it, like real top-level headliners, that they know that you're in touch with these people all the time, and you'll put the right kind of person in there.
01:58:30.000
Yeah, Portland, Seattle, all those Pacific Northwest people.
01:58:38.000
That whole Pacific Northwest vibe is a different vibe.
01:58:42.000
I only seen the sun for two hours in three days.
01:58:49.000
See, in the summer, it's tough to sell a ticket up there because those motherfuckers got to go camping.
01:58:56.000
They've been living like fucking Jack Nicholson in The Shining for fucking six months.
01:59:03.000
I remember Joe saying to me, what did you think about Seattle?
01:59:07.000
Seattle was great, like Colorado's great, until you see rain for three weeks in a row.
01:59:16.000
In 83, fucking Paul Harvey was in the middle of November yelling, we don't know what's gonna happen in Colorado this year.
01:59:25.000
He was just talking about the Alps in Colorado, and all these mountains in Colorado are empty.
01:59:33.000
It started snowing on the 20th, and it went straight to December 20, like 3rd.
01:59:39.000
You know what 20 days in a row of snow is, bro?
01:59:43.000
Think of leaving for work on a bus, it's snowing.
02:00:08.000
You know how fast the snow comes down in Colorado, dog?
02:00:13.000
It's like you either pay me now or pay me later.
02:00:16.000
I don't know what the base is for the fucking bottom of the hill, but they got the snow they needed that year.
02:00:45.000
That means you could jump off a fucking helicopter.
02:00:48.000
And nothing's going to happen to you in that base.
02:00:50.000
200 inches, you're just going to land in powder.
02:00:55.000
Wyoming, getting a helicopter and just jumping off the helicopter with skis and just landing on that fucking thing without your knee blowing the fuck up.
02:01:20.000
When you're a man landing, that's a fuckin' ice shirt.
02:01:32.000
Yeah, no, I like bad weather, but not three weeks in a fucking...
02:01:38.000
I lived there in 95, 96. I think it's parts of November, dog.
02:01:43.000
Are you worried about global warming in L.A.? Oh, yeah.
02:01:58.000
You know, they talk a lot about global warming.
02:02:01.000
Let me get that half a joint, Doug, over there.
02:02:28.000
Yeah, I don't know where he's allowed to deliver it to.
02:02:30.000
I think he has to deliver it to somewhere that's nowhere near a church or a school or something like that.
02:02:37.000
The stars of death and the high times picking the number three fucking edible.
02:02:42.000
Dude, I never even need a full point of the star of death.
02:02:48.000
I take a bite, but I make sure I leave a little bit of the point.
02:02:52.000
Listen to me, there's these new things called cushies.
02:02:56.000
You open it up, it smells like transmission fluid.
02:03:00.000
It's like when you fucking finger somebody, but you smell deep in the monkey.
02:03:08.000
It smells like transmission fluid in this fucking motherfucker.
02:03:26.000
I don't know how many milligrams they had, but each one felt like somewhere around 20. You know, you eat a couple of those.
02:03:33.000
They give you a bag that's supposed to be 100 milligrams, you know, for how many is in there, 5 in there or 10 in there, whatever it is.
02:03:45.000
Because I had one, and I was like, yeah, this feels like about 10 milligrams.
02:03:53.000
Like, I don't buy that they're that consistent.
02:03:55.000
I don't think they're doing such a good job of stirring.
02:04:01.000
I called the guy and go, Anarchy, what the fuck, bro?
02:04:07.000
And he goes, well, sometimes you got a bat that's stronger than the other.
02:04:10.000
When I was a kid with quaaludes, because people make them in their basement.
02:04:14.000
So, like we talked about, sometimes the table is like this.
02:04:19.000
All this shit goes to the bottom and you're fucked.
02:04:21.000
Yeah, and if you get a bag of gummies, you're not necessarily getting them from the same plant.
02:04:28.000
You know, I mean, one gummy might be from one batch and another gummy might be from another batch.
02:04:33.000
Like, they might not, I mean, they're all getting piled up together and scooped and put into a bag.
02:04:51.000
I don't care how many root canals they give you.
02:05:14.000
I took one out with me in case I had tooth pain or nose pain and I never wore those pants again.
02:05:22.000
Right before I went on stage, I popped off that motherfucker.
02:05:32.000
One fucking pill ain't gonna do nothing to you.
02:05:36.000
Oh my god, I took a half on stage and I blacked out for like the first 30 minutes.
02:05:41.000
I couldn't wait to get back to the hotel room to eat the other half.
02:05:51.000
When you were on radio, did you start swearing?
02:05:59.000
When I was pulling pants out, I go, boy, these pants are darker than my usual jeans.
02:06:06.000
Last time I wore them was probably when I had the surgery, and that's why I found the pill in there.
02:06:12.000
I went in and the detergent had worn the numbers down.
02:06:17.000
I said, let me not be an asshole and eat the whole thing.
02:06:23.000
Maybe somebody gave it to me, and I washed over it.
02:06:25.000
I knew it was like a Vicodin or a cousin to the Vicodin.
02:06:36.000
And when I sat down on top of the thing, I was like, I'm fucked up.
02:06:42.000
I set the fire alarm off in Portland, hit the club on Friday night.
02:06:47.000
And the fucking fire department had to come because the whole club blacks out.
02:06:58.000
Felicia's like, do you want me to go up there and judge you out?
02:07:00.000
That's how much of a comedy store chick she is.
02:07:03.000
Like somebody else would have said, well, let's wait till they put the mic on.
02:07:08.000
She looked at me and said, do you want me to still go up there?
02:07:15.000
But that just goes to show you the confidence of the comedy store.
02:07:22.000
The MC was on stage, and all of a sudden you hear...
02:07:29.000
But when you went up there, you didn't say that was me smoking pot?
02:07:32.000
Once I got up there, I go, I only took two hits.
02:07:37.000
Wow, that's a pretty fucking sensitive fire alarm.
02:07:44.000
So the next night they put a little helmet on it.
02:08:01.000
The fire department came, looked at the manager, and he goes, somebody's smoking in the green room?
02:08:07.000
They didn't give me a ticket or nothing, thank God.
02:08:10.000
Yeah, a lot of people probably think they can, you know?
02:08:14.000
Like, especially if you're at any sort of a rock venue, like those rock theaters and stuff like that.
02:08:21.000
They've probably been smoking in those things forever.
02:08:31.000
People who live there say it's getting kind of weird, because then you're getting a bunch of people that want to live in Portland moving there instead of Portland people.
02:08:38.000
People are like, yeah, I think Portland's kind of my kind of city.
02:08:48.000
He lives in Eugene, which is like a smaller college town.
02:08:55.000
They have a good Chinese restaurant there, Kowloon's.
02:09:04.000
That's the one where they have a strip club, but the waitress is everything.
02:09:41.000
Is it like saying the Hollywood restaurant, the Hollywood grill, the Hollywood diner?
02:09:55.000
So maybe it's like a style of cooking or something.
02:10:10.000
Were there a couple of Calloons, and it was run by Lenny's brother?
02:10:16.000
Lenny's brother, Mike Clark, ran a place called Giggles.
02:10:25.000
Headlining gigs like when I was struggling than probably anybody.
02:10:30.000
Always had like a restaurant here or a dive there or a bar there and always got you good money.
02:10:38.000
It was fun too because you'd travel around all these weird spots and do comedy.
02:10:42.000
Sometimes people would hire comedians and it wouldn't work out.
02:10:45.000
They would try it for one show and you'd be on that one show and then they never had comedy again.
02:10:50.000
A bunch of dirty comedians from Boston come up and We're in some weird fish restaurant in New Hampshire and they just don't like it.
02:11:04.000
I used to do comedy in a place where there was a live parrot behind John's stage.
02:11:10.000
He would eat the seeds and fucking flick them up in the air.
02:11:14.000
There's so many things that you've done that you...
02:11:17.000
When we're talking about comedy, you have this grand delusion of comedy when you get into it.
02:11:21.000
And you get to this place, it's not a stage, there's no green room, you know.
02:11:31.000
I gotta go to work at 6. The beginning is so fucking tough, but it's not.
02:11:40.000
It also doesn't seem that hard when you look at it from the outside.
02:11:44.000
The first time you look at it, you're like, that's not that hard.
02:11:59.000
Like, now sometimes I get happy when I bomb because I get it out of the way.
02:12:07.000
Yeah, that's the best motivator to, like, tighten up your game.
02:12:19.000
You just want to get back and tighten things down.
02:12:23.000
It's interesting to people that go to the store on a regular basis, too, because they get to see all the development.
02:12:29.000
They'll see a bit one time, and then they'll come back and see maybe six months later.
02:12:33.000
And they'll see it again, but now it's got all these extra things going on.
02:12:45.000
The CISO thing you shot in Chicago, in Rosemont, Illinois, right?
02:13:09.000
I can't stand looking at myself, and I can't stand listening to myself.
02:13:15.000
I never said none to nobody, but I saw Johnny Depp on Letterman.
02:13:20.000
And Letterman was like, so how the dailies look?
02:13:23.000
And Letterman's like, what the fuck are you talking about?
02:13:41.000
29th, and like two weeks later was Super Bowl, and I got talked into going to one of these goofy actor parties.
02:13:48.000
I was at the store, and some goofy guy came up to me.
02:13:50.000
He goes, you want to go to the Super Bowl party?
02:13:52.000
And I went there, and I'll never forget this, as long as I fucking live, man.
02:13:59.000
Like, you know, when it ends the first quarter, then you have the show in the middle, and Michael Jackson would sing or whoever.
02:14:18.000
Like, some guy came in and go, is it halftime yet?
02:14:30.000
And fucking college films, and I think he had like one spot that was TV. And I'll never forget how embarrassing, like I felt embarrassed for the guy.
02:14:47.000
Comedians, stand-up comics, you know, so-called men.
02:14:55.000
This was the first time I actually went home and fucking taped sets.
02:15:01.000
Like, I didn't know how to do nothing on this fucking phone.
02:15:03.000
And I went home and taped fucking sets and had to listen to them and write notes.
02:15:13.000
Like, you come up to me and go, that's a good bit.
02:15:16.000
But you didn't tell me about the two things before that I said.
02:15:19.000
Sometimes after a set, it's really hard to remember what you said that was funny.
02:15:25.000
But you didn't remember those two fluctuations you said in your voice.
02:15:32.000
That line that you threw away, that was the setup to that joke, and you didn't even know you set it up with that.
02:15:46.000
It's funny how you prepare jokes and you think what's gonna work, and then when you listen, the shit that you thought was gonna work doesn't really work as well.
02:15:56.000
It's little things that you didn't think was gonna work that really worked.
02:15:59.000
It's so weird when you listen to your material at night.
02:16:02.000
It was a whole complete different education for me.
02:16:06.000
It was really tough for me to do because I didn't like listening to myself at night.
02:16:13.000
Yeah, when I'm trapped, I get really fucking high.
02:16:16.000
I pull one of these pads out and just go on a train, on a plane.
02:16:25.000
It was the worst thing I ever heard in my fucking life.
02:16:28.000
My third CD is probably the worst thing I've ever heard in all my life.
02:16:35.000
That there's a lot of jokes sometimes that even if you think, even because there's seven minutes, you're like, enough with this shit.
02:16:41.000
There's still three more, four more minutes in that thing.
02:16:45.000
You were the one that said you like to keep finding tags for stuff.
02:17:01.000
It was the first time I had really done this type of...
02:17:12.000
In fact, I'm calling radio tomorrow and Brian's on.
02:17:18.000
Did they buy his last one or are they doing a new one with him?
02:17:33.000
I mean, the more people doing something like that, the better.
02:17:37.000
Like I said, man, right now comedy used to be 8 to 12, 8 to 2. Now it's 9 to 5 because people are on their desks with earbuds on.
02:17:48.000
They could stream your fucking special at work.
02:17:50.000
There's so much going on with streaming and the whole fucking deal.
02:17:54.000
Well, most of the people that listen to this are working right now.
02:17:58.000
I would imagine if you're doing something that you don't have to be listening to somebody, you could listen to this while you're doing your work.
02:18:19.000
Working people only watch television from 8 to 11. That's changed now.
02:18:24.000
I go to work now at 9 and put earbuds on, and I can't get into Game of Thrones or Westward, but I can listen to a podcast.
02:18:33.000
How many people do you think get to listen to stuff while they work?
02:18:44.000
When I talk to my niece sometimes in Jersey, she tells me, I listen to you in the office, and she's in marketing, you know.
02:18:51.000
They put these in and make notes and type up proposals and listen to podcasts.
02:19:06.000
You know, now I can go to work and listen from 9 to 12 and from 1 to 5 and I can watch from 12 to 1 at my desk.
02:19:18.000
Do you use Netflix and do you use Apple TV? Do you ever use that?
02:19:22.000
No, that's what we're getting because the speakers on my...
02:19:27.000
She does all the IT stuff at the It's just crazy that you can see, you know what I mean, 99 or whatever the hell it is, percentage of the movies, just by, they're right there.
02:19:53.000
Because the other day I noticed that they just recently added an American Werewolf in London.
02:20:08.000
This is Apple TV. And they recently added some other movies that were pretty old movies.
02:20:16.000
So I think they're still buying movies and putting them on...
02:20:24.000
But they got a lot of fucking movies, is my point.
02:20:30.000
Like, when we were kids, just the idea of going to the store...
02:20:33.000
Remember how Blockbuster would have those giant shelves filled with one kind of movie?
02:20:38.000
Like, one movie would come out, and that movie would just fill a shelf.
02:20:43.000
And, like, say if it was like Transformers or Alien or something like that, there would be, you know, three, four levels of them, and you would get there, and there'd only be a couple left, and you'd get lucky.
02:21:02.000
It was the night I was running from the cops after I kidnapped Vela.
02:21:06.000
I went to Blockbuster and I rented Above the Law.
02:21:08.000
All these people kept telling me, you gotta watch this guy Steven Seagal.
02:21:23.000
I watched the triangle scene at the end and I got mad.
02:21:37.000
Was it the Chinese guy that he does the triangle on?
02:21:40.000
He's hanging and the guy's hitting him with the sponges.
02:22:08.000
And this is like, when the cops were there, they kind of let them go after it, right?
02:22:12.000
Because this was like, these guys so crazy, the cops let them fight.
02:22:20.000
That's a motherfucking kaboodoo tonfa and shit.
02:22:26.000
Yeah, Mel Gibson, if people forget, was a fucking action star.
02:22:35.000
Like that this could ever happen where cops would let some bad guy duke it out with the cop because they knew the cop was such a badass that he's eventually going to kick this dude's ass.
02:22:55.000
He just said, you wouldn't do this shit without your tough friends.
02:23:10.000
When Phil Simms, a beat cop, fought one of my friends on the street.
02:23:26.000
Forget the arrest, and let's throw down right here.
02:23:32.000
They fucking shook hands, and they never fucked with each other again.
02:23:37.000
I mean, he didn't throw them around, but he punched them in the fucking mouth a few times in front of his buddies.
02:23:46.000
And one time, when I got out of fucking jail in Boulder, I got out of the halfway house, and I got into a fight with a guy that cut me off, and he ended up spitting at the car.
02:24:00.000
He was beating the fuck out of me, but then he slipped in the snow.
02:24:03.000
So when the cops got there, I was on top of them.
02:24:11.000
He told the cop what happened, but he was giving the cop a bad attitude.
02:24:17.000
He was telling the cop, what the fuck do you care?
02:24:20.000
All of a sudden they talked and they put us back.
02:24:28.000
And then they came back and they go, we're not going to press charges, but shake hands.
02:24:32.000
And the guy goes, I'm not going to shake his hand.
02:24:34.000
And the cop looks at me, he looks at him, he goes, you know what?
02:24:37.000
When we got here, you weren't doing too fucking good.
02:24:40.000
Don't make me put him on fucking top of you again.
02:24:55.000
Remember there was that thing that was going on in the California prisons where they're having these crazy fights, these underground fights, and the guards were setting things up, the gladiator fights.
02:25:11.000
Next time you see Mike Tyson, you should ask him if all that shit is true.
02:25:21.000
That somebody, they actually let the warden leave town for Christmas and one of the guys got in touch with a promoter and they brought somebody from boxing in to see Mike Tyson.
02:25:34.000
That's where they got the fucking idea for that movie.
02:26:03.000
Movie similarities to real life Tyson's saga undisputed.
02:26:12.000
If Mike Tyson had a fight in jail, they would have filmed that, huh?
02:26:21.000
Mike Tyson has that whole story, you know, or his whole live show where he talks about his entire life.
02:26:28.000
I mean, if Mike Tyson had that in his life, he would be telling people about it.
02:26:35.000
I mean, I can't imagine that he would ever have a fight in jail and not tell anybody about it.
02:26:45.000
Someone was asking the same question as a boxing forum.
02:26:55.000
If there was a video of Tyson fighting in jail...
02:26:59.000
For sure you're going to tape it, or are you just going to let it happen and trust your memory?
02:27:03.000
You're going to bring in Riddick Bowe or someone like that, and you're going to have Tyson fight him in jail?
02:27:27.000
I'm talking about the tape in Chicago, in Illinois.
02:27:29.000
I think it was the late 90s, because he was out and fighting Holyfield while I was living in Encino, which I think was 96. I think.
02:27:48.000
There's a article from 92 that says he got a six-year prison term.
02:27:58.000
He still maintains, out of all the shit he says, that that never happened.
02:28:06.000
Then you find out that that same woman had set somebody else up.
02:28:10.000
She had lied about another one, another alleged rape.
02:28:26.000
He was released March 95. Whoa, so he did three years.
02:28:34.000
He retired right after, well, he had a couple of fights, but I think it was the Kevin Ferguson fight.
02:28:45.000
2005. 2005, Tyson stunned the boxing world by quitting before the start of the seventh round against Kevin McBride.
02:28:57.000
And, you know, the Lennox Lewis fight was a bad beating, too.
02:29:02.000
That was one where you knew, like, ooh, he's just not the same guy anymore.
02:29:08.000
You go back and watch the guy that destroyed Larry Holmes.
02:29:13.000
Then, you know, he knew as much as anybody knew.
02:29:29.000
I barely have time for what I got on my fucking plate and I gotta open up boxing too.
02:29:51.000
Some young, tough, light heavyweight white dude with knockout power.
02:30:00.000
I don't think he'd be fighting if he wasn't still capable to.
02:30:25.000
When you're looking at him boxing here, you're not saying, oh, this is a 51-year-old Bernard Hopkins.
02:30:34.000
You know, Joe, 51, your reactions, your vision, there's a lot of other factors.
02:30:41.000
Oh, for sure there's a lot of other factors, but this is amazing.
02:30:46.000
It's amazing that you could even consider that this guy at 51 years old should be allowed to fight professionally.
02:31:00.000
He didn't get in any big, big, big, big brawls with people.
02:31:04.000
You know, I mean this guy always stayed pretty clean.
02:31:12.000
He would clinch a lot, frustrate a lot of guys, but he also could crack.
02:31:20.000
The big coming out party for him was Felix Trinidad.
02:31:24.000
When he fought Felix Trinidad and just boxed his face off, everybody just saw, like, wow.
02:31:29.000
We thought Felix Trinidad was this young, hungry lion.
02:31:32.000
He was taking on the older veteran who was probably on his way down...
02:32:03.000
He's working out with John David Jackson, who is a two-division world champ, I believe.
02:32:11.000
But John David Jackson, a lot of people forgot about, was a really high-level boxer in like the 90s.
02:32:30.000
He's like one of the most respected up-and-coming trainers, particularly because he achieved a world championship level when he was boxing.
02:33:01.000
He had cancer for a while, but I touched him yesterday.
02:33:09.000
I was thinking about last night when I drove around.
02:33:27.000
Like something, a thyroid or something like that.
02:33:31.000
But man, when I hugged him yesterday, I was like, this guy got cancer.
02:33:39.000
Well, you know, they're way better at taking care of cancer now than they've ever been before.
02:33:50.000
So yesterday I was driving and he's always training Pacquiao.
02:33:59.000
So when he's training Pacquiao, how do him and Freddie Roach work stuff out?
02:34:04.000
So what is the difference between what he does and what Freddie does?
02:34:10.000
Okay, and Freddie does the mitts and everything else.
02:34:13.000
Justin was one of the first guys where his gym, I ever saw, he had like an altitude box.
02:34:20.000
Like you go in the box and it simulates high altitude and you fucking go crazy and work out in there.
02:34:29.000
I mean, he had like a vacuum attached to it or something like that that was sucking air out of there.
02:34:40.000
But, man, when I hugged him yesterday, I was like, holy fuck, this guy's still solid.
02:34:48.000
I'm really interested in seeing Bernard Hopkins fight this weekend.
02:35:07.000
I ain't asking you creepy questions, cocksucker.
02:35:09.000
I just thought you were doing comedy somewhere.
02:35:13.000
My next gig, I'm booked past our gig on New Year's, December 31st.
02:36:00.000
And then I talked to Big J. Actually, maybe I talked to Big J first.
02:36:05.000
Yeah, I asked Big J first because he told me he was going to be in town for the fights.
02:36:25.000
Well, hey man, they did whatever the fuck they wanted.
02:36:42.000
When I heard this story, I was like, I don't want to hear this, and I'm not going to watch it.
02:36:49.000
You could call me a bunch of names and shit, and I probably won't say nothing to you.
02:36:53.000
Don't fuck with me when it comes to music, and don't argue with me about restaurants.
02:37:02.000
So when I hate a band, I don't like a fucking band.
02:37:05.000
When I was growing up in Jersey, I got a call in there to go see Twisted Sister.
02:37:14.000
I went with this Italian dude that had no fucking...
02:37:20.000
Me and him are perfect because we walked out of movies together.
02:37:26.000
A guy came out and goes, We're Twisted fucking Sister, man.
02:37:29.000
And we looked at each other and we ran out of it.
02:37:38.000
They were selling 9,000 tickets, no, 14,000 tickets a week and nobody would sign them as a band.
02:38:00.000
The fucking assistants would come up to the president of the label and go, dog, Twister's sister.
02:38:04.000
And he goes, the next person who talks to me about Twister's sister, I will fucking fire you.
02:38:15.000
Like, for you to understand this, you had to understand, like, they're gonna talk about all this shit you did when you did comedy.
02:38:26.000
And somebody picked a fight with him somewhere or something like that?
02:38:30.000
Either someone picked a fight with him or there was a guy who looked exactly like Dee Snider who beat the fuck out of some dude.
02:38:40.000
It's either I got fooled and they revealed that it was a guy who looked just like him that kicked some dude's ass, but there was...
02:38:50.000
See, this guy sucker punches him, and he beats the fuck out of this dude.
02:39:03.000
It doesn't say if it's him, but it comes up when you Google him.
02:39:14.000
That dude sucker punched him, he body slammed him, kicked the shit out of him.
02:39:18.000
The guy was still talking shit, so he walked up on him again.
02:39:31.000
But after I watched his documentary, Joe, I fucking...
02:39:49.000
They were doing like Long Island Wednesday, Jersey, 3,000 seats on Thursday, another 3,000 seats on Friday in the metropolitan area, and then 5,000 on Saturday.
02:40:07.000
And every time they were going to get signed, something else happened.
02:40:12.000
He got on the plane and died of a heart attack.
02:40:14.000
The other time, they were going to play The Garden or something.
02:40:25.000
Every A&R guy was going to come and the drummer got a fucking infection.
02:41:05.000
I'm talking to this guy, and after 10 minutes, I realize this is the guy that sang, Our Love's in Jeopardy.
02:41:33.000
But we can't play any of the music for the people at home.
02:41:44.000
New Year's Eve of 1982 or 3. Give me some volume, young Jamie.
02:41:57.000
That's one of the crazy things about really good video.
02:42:10.000
Maybe because they don't do these goofy things.
02:42:14.000
Well, it's because the only way to get music back then was you gotta buy it.
02:42:24.000
There's Aldo, motherfucking Nova with a leopard leisure suit on.
02:42:34.000
He didn't even say hi to anybody with his leopard.
02:42:36.000
He didn't even acknowledge the fact, yeah, I got a leopard skin leotard.
02:42:49.000
They're breaking down this door to get into this warehouse, and Aldo Nova takes his guitar out.
02:43:22.000
Because you spent too much time on black Twitter.
02:43:46.000
That's a legitimate reaction to hearing Aldo Nova in 2016 for the first time.
02:43:55.000
It's a leather scarf, like a snakeskin leather.
02:44:21.000
83. Yes, I was born in the beginning of 83. You were born in 83?
02:44:36.000
Hey Joe, and also tell them if they go to Cecil and they're pressing Joey, they get two months for free.
02:44:46.000
Tomorrow, Cecil, Joey, and you're done for free for two months.
02:44:59.000
Here, I'm going to get a picture of you right now.
02:45:01.000
And, uh, Joey motherfucking Diaz, ladies and gentlemen.