Comedian Bill Burr joins Jemele to discuss his new album, "All I Really Need to Know I Learned from Comedy" and much, much more. Plus, we talk about his new comedy special, "The Realest Thing I Know I Don't Know," and what it's like to be a stand-up comedian in Los Angeles. And, of course, there's a special guest appearance from his good friend and long-time good friend Joe Pesci. Thanks to our sponsor, for sponsoring this episode of the podcast! Thank you, Joe, for being a part of this journey with us. We appreciate you, and we look forward to seeing you again in LA soon. Enjoy the episode and tweet us if you liked it! Timestamps: 3:00 - The realest thing I learned from comedy 4:30 - What it takes to be funny 6:00 - How much money does it take to make a comedy special? 7:20 - What are you looking for? 8:15 - What do you need to know from a comedian 9:30 10:00- What is your favorite bit from comedy? 11:40 - How do you feel about Bill Burr's new album? 12:30- What s your favorite part from comedy albums? 13:00 | What s a good idea? 14:30 | How much time should you take to write a comedy material? 15:20 | What is a good joke? 16:30 // 15:00 + 16: What s it takes? 17:20 18: Should you wait for a comedian to be prolific? 19:40 21: How long should you wait to do a new project? 22:15 | What's your favorite piece of music? 25:40 | Should you do a special for a new album ? 26:00+ 27:10 28: Is it possible to do more than one hour of comedy material 29: Should I do a 30 minutes of comedy in one hour or two? 30: What do I do more? 35:00 / 30:00 Is there a good piece of material I would you like to do better than that? 31:40 / 32:30 / 33:00/35:40 Can I have a 30-minute special?
00:01:09.000You're trying to figure out if you want to?
00:01:11.000Yeah, you know, it takes me, I'm not like some comics, you know, some comics can spit out an hour a year, and I don't, you know.
00:01:19.000It takes me three years to write a new record, you know, but it's good, you know, but it takes me forever to do it.
00:01:25.000I'm just not that prolific, I guess, anymore.
00:01:27.000That's the big debate with comedians like how much time should you wait and Tom Papa and I were just talking about it and I've talked about it with Burr and with Louis CK and a bunch of different guys and Louis is doing like one a year for a while but he stopped doing that and I think he kind of agrees now that when you do one a year it's almost like it's a special full of like adolescent premises.
00:01:50.000Yeah, and I've always found that my stuff ripens well, you know, on the vine, if I leave it there, if I pick it too early.
00:01:56.000You know, I used to do a bit that was on my last album, and the punchline's not even on the album.
00:02:02.000The punchline I wrote later, which was, it's about my wife buying me a bicycle thinking I might ride it for, you know, health reasons, and it's for sale.
00:02:10.000And if you're looking for a bicycle, it's a great deal.
00:04:59.000You know, I could have gotten away with 48 minutes.
00:05:03.000You know, because it was on television.
00:05:05.000And nobody saw it on TV because it was on CMT. Nobody watches fucking CMT. So nobody's even heard the last album and I don't do it.
00:05:12.000Isn't country music television, isn't that real popular?
00:05:16.000Do they call it country music television anymore or they just call it CMT? But it started out as...
00:05:21.000Yeah, I think it still stands for country music television.
00:05:23.000But they're trying to do a bunch of other shit now, too, right?
00:05:25.000They try to do, you know, they did a...
00:05:27.000I had a special with them once a year, and I would do...
00:05:31.000Then I would just have to come up with 15 minutes, which was doable, you know, that I could actually put on TV. Most of it I shouldn't even have put on TV, but that was great.
00:05:43.000It was the salute to the troops thing and raise money and awareness for good stuff, and then they quit doing it.
00:06:16.000And I just started watching stuff on Netflix the other day because I just wanted to watch some of the specials of some of the people I knew up there to see what they were doing, you know, what they were working on.
00:06:26.000And now why would you buy a fucking record?
00:06:28.000You can just flip it over to Netflix and watch it, you know?
00:06:31.000Well, I like listening to shit in my car.
00:06:33.000I like when people release things on iTunes.
00:06:35.000Yeah, my best comedy album story, and I don't mean this to be mean or anything else, but I was watching the record sales because my records were selling.
00:06:50.000And then Dane Cook comes in, and he just blows by me.
00:07:26.000And not to say anything bad about Dane, because plenty of bad things have been said, but...
00:07:33.000But I just, that was so unintuit that I'm like, if that's what they're doing out there, then they're getting away with murder because those aren't punchlines, I'm sorry to tell you.
00:07:58.000Well, he had that fascinating stage presence, too, and just really walk on stage and take command of anything.
00:08:05.000I don't know if he can still do it, but at one time I'd watch him, and I'm like, you'll like him or not, if you're a comic, you could probably learn something from watching him.
00:11:08.000I'm glad I really if I would have I'd have sat here and drank it with you and then I'd have been oh now I had to get that Range Rover back to back to LA. That's what Uber's for.
00:11:42.000In Mexico, they sell it for three times what I sell it for here.
00:11:45.000And they only sell it in the resort cities, people coming off those boats, and, you know, it's the best tequila that most liquor stores will ever touch.
00:11:55.000And so it's called the Gift of God over there.
00:13:52.000We had to go into the section of the video store that had the porn and you always felt so full of shame when you were wandering through there.
00:15:30.000I lost my virginity when I was 18 years old to a girl, a prostitute in Tijuana, Mexico, who was overweight and her teeth had no general direction or color, but she was well within my budget.
00:15:47.000But I got stationed at Pearl, and I found out after a while, once you've been on this one part of Oahu, Hotel Street, these really cute girls would jump in your car and blow you for $5.
00:15:57.000And it's like the best deal I've ever even fucking heard of.
00:15:59.000I mean, I was like there twice a day, you know?
00:16:03.000And I was there for eight months, and six months ago I was watching this documentary on transvestites, and they started talking about the transvestite scene on Hotel Street on Oahu.
00:20:38.000But, you know, pretty good dishwashers.
00:20:40.000Isn't it funny when you look back on your life, getting kicked out of high school, all the trouble you were in, getting kicked out of the Navy...
00:20:47.000Getting blown by a bunch of dudes accidentally.
00:20:48.000It's all the recipes of being a great comic, but nobody ever looks at it that way.
00:20:57.000It's almost like you have to come up to everybody who's a fuck-up and go, look, I know you're not fitting in here, but there's a place where you do.
00:24:30.000And one of the funniest things I ever saw was that there used to be this tape in the South County Funny Bone in St. Louis in the condo where they live, a shitty little apartment they put us in.
00:24:42.000And it was called Bovine Women from Somewhere.
00:25:10.000Yeah, and so somebody would be fucking her from behind, and then he'd turn the camera around and his Dan just worked out, this could be you, Marty, the manager of the club.
00:26:03.000But if it was still there, and this one was still there, so he just punched himself right into it.
00:26:08.000The first scene is this big old 500-pounder.
00:26:12.000She's opening a refrigerator door, so the reveal is the light of the refrigerator through her thighs, and they're gigantic, and it's a cutaway to him drinking a glass of milk going...
00:26:22.000Real slapsticky stuff, but if you didn't see it coming, it was a big laugh.
00:26:30.000I saw a video of him doing stand-up as Dan Whitney, and I was like, wow, this is so weird.
00:26:41.000Yeah, it was really smart, I mean, what he did, and, you know, at one time Larry was just a character that he did in the act, and then eventually Larry took over.
00:26:58.000He would go on stage as Andrew Silverstein, and he had a bunch of impressions that he would do.
00:27:02.000He would do an impression of Travolta, he would do an Al Pacino impression, and then at the end of his act, he would do the Dice Man.
00:27:10.000And the Dice Man was essentially a version, his take on Jerry Lewis and the Nutty Professor.
00:27:17.000Remember when Jerry Lewis and the Nutty Professor, he was like this nerdy guy, and he drinks some fucking potion, and all of a sudden becomes this really cool guy?
00:27:59.000Well, my fans, you know, they bitch at me because I won't do anything that's old, and they want to hear me do Tater Salad, and they want to hear me do some of that stuff, but there are long bits.
00:29:10.000And he only does five or six at the end of the show.
00:29:12.000I mean, that's been for years that he hasn't hardly done any of that, and that's what he was always known for, which was just a great idea for a bit that now has calendars.
00:30:49.000Perform for those people in the seats.
00:30:51.000And so, you know, and whatever it was is whatever it was, and he just got popular.
00:30:55.000And if it wouldn't have been for that huge popularity, nobody would have given a shit.
00:30:59.000Well, that's that thing that happens when something becomes really popular, is that people decide to shit on it, even though it doesn't make...
00:31:04.000Like, there's nothing wrong with Larry the Cable Guy's act.
00:31:09.000And he's a pace, rhythm, and timing comic, and he's really good at it.
00:31:12.000He's very good at it, but I remember when he was huge, and he still is, but I mean, when it was all happening, when it was first happening, and he was doing fucking football arenas, all these...
00:31:22.000Like, David Cross wrote some fucking open letter to Larry the Cable Guy, and I'm like, what are you doing?
00:31:56.000I would go out of my way to see Jeff, and I probably wouldn't go out of my way to see him just to see him, but that, his style is not exactly my cup of tea, but that doesn't matter.
00:32:07.000I can still see how good he is at it, and saw what he did and the impact that he had.
00:32:12.000And then also, the addition, he wasn't one of the original guys.
00:32:16.000There was another guy, and then Jeff got rid of him.
00:32:36.000He's that lost Beatle, that one guy that gets kicked out of the Beatles and fucking, to this day, beats his head against the wall.
00:32:41.000I don't know what he does now, but he was a good comic, but he was on some kind of medication that made him just get in Jeff's face and talk to him nonstop, and Jeff doesn't like that.
00:32:52.000And Jeff's like, hey, I'm taking a piss, dude.
00:33:28.000Yeah, I saw him, we auditioned for the same part in the movie.
00:33:32.000Not too long ago, so I saw him at this audition, and it was for, I don't remember the name of the movie, but it was a huge cast, really big people in it, but the role sucked, and I mean, the role was just nothing, and then I got sideways with the people doing the interview,
00:33:48.000because they said it was a reading, so I didn't memorize the script, you know, and I came in, but I wear these tinted yellow glasses a lot of the time, and she said, can you take off the glasses?
00:33:59.000They're too modern for this I'm like, well, if you want me to read it, the glasses are not for show.
00:34:08.000So whoever's watching it, have them close their eyes and imagine me with shitty glasses on if that's okay, but I'm not going to take them off.
00:34:17.000And then she goes, well, I guess if you get this role, you'll cancel your live schedule.
00:35:01.000You know, they were really talking to me like I had not accomplished a single thing in my life, and maybe if this happened, you know, I'd be able to call myself a man or something.
00:35:15.000That's one of the reasons why actors are so fucking crazy, is because you walk into this room, and your life depends on whether or not this person puts a check next to your name, whether they give you the green light.
00:35:24.000And so you go in there, and you have to memorize some bullshit that you don't really care about, Most of the time, some nonsense sitcom or some fucking stupid role in a movie.
00:35:51.000You don't know how to figure out that this person is not for you.
00:35:55.000Well, you know, now I just turned 60 on Sunday, and now if I had to, if I signed up for a TV show, I'd be signed on until I was 66 or 67. And my dad died at 51, and so that seems like an awful long time.
00:36:15.000I mean, if it happened to be someone I really liked, you know, like if If Jay McGraw was producing it, I would probably do it just so I could hang out with him.
00:36:25.000But I would have to really, really like somebody that I was going to be hanging with that time because I couldn't just do it.
00:36:32.000Who would have ever guessed that Dr. Phil's kid is such a cool motherfucker?
00:39:38.000You know, the thing is, the smart guy was Zeno Davidoff of Davidoff Cigars, because he saw it all coming.
00:39:46.000And so before it all happened, he moved his rollers and his factory and everything over to the Dominican Republic.
00:39:54.000So, whenever they came in and took the land from those people that started these iconic brands, and they just kicked them out of the country with nothing.
00:40:04.000Well, they all had seed, so they could grow the same tobacco if they stayed in the same kind of region, the same parallel, like Dominican Republic or even over to Ecuador.
00:40:14.000It was still perfect conditions for growing these plants, but what they didn't have was rollers.
00:40:20.000And these hand-made cigars are rolled by experts.
00:40:24.000I mean, these people in Cuba, they spend their whole lives.
00:40:28.000They have these huge rolling rooms, and these people just roll these perfect cigars, and somebody sits in the front of the room and reads them books.
00:40:50.000I have a book at home that's all photographs of the Cuban cigar business and the Cuban people rolling the cigars, and it's fucking amazing.
00:40:58.000They're smoking a fat cigar while they're rolling cigars, you know, and the whole thing is just...
00:43:02.000I think it was Hal Sparks was telling us that he did a gig in Dubai and someone, after he got off stage, told him that he was going to be arrested for something that he said because he referred to one of the royal family as like,
00:43:44.000And they're super sensitive, and they're finally disconnected from their parents.
00:43:48.000They're looking to call bullshit on everybody.
00:43:50.000That's one thing about college kids, is they're looking to be right, and they're looking to establish what you can and can't say, and they're looking to control people, because they're just free for the first time ever themselves.
00:44:02.000I probably would have done the same thing.
00:44:05.000Yeah, if I hadn't gotten kicked out of high school and joined the Navy, I probably...
00:47:33.000Don't they have it at the Comedy Store now?
00:47:36.000I always have a bottle back there, but our distribution is just now getting fixed in California, so I'm sure that they'll pick it up as soon as these guys get all hooked up.
00:47:47.000They just got their tequila the other day.
00:48:57.000It's nice to see comedians branch out and do different shit.
00:49:01.000Well, I'd like to see some of the different stuff I do ever make money, but we have a lot of fun with the tequila, and somebody will come by and buy it one day.
00:50:18.000First time open mic and went straight to the bar and ordered a beer and a shot of tequila and he handed me the beer and the shot of tequila.
00:50:23.000So he was the bartender in the club I started at.
00:53:10.000Seven's recreational, but then a bunch of...
00:53:13.000You know, in Vegas, they're going to have recreational, but now that they have medical, if you have a card from anywhere, you can go in the Vegas dispensaries.
00:53:24.000Well, what's fucked up is there's so many people that are in jail for life in Vegas from the 70s.
00:53:43.000They got legalized prostitution, legalized gambling, open carry handguns, liquor available 24 hours a day on the street.
00:53:50.000You can actually walk out on the strip at 5 o'clock in the morning, crack open a beer, and bet on the camel toe races, but don't you dare lie to joint because there's children here.
00:56:18.000That's a good one not to have, you know, because you can really feel stupid the next day when you're going, I could have gotten, well, one of them, you know, at least a late-day Ford Escort, you know, or several Escorts.
00:56:36.000I'm like, I could have gotten something out of this.
00:56:38.000Instead, I got absolutely nothing except free booze.
00:56:42.000My friend Dana White has lost as much as a million dollars in a night.
00:56:55.000That's also one of the big things with people that have been punched a lot.
00:57:01.000He was a boxer for a long time, and a lot of MMA fighters, a lot of people that have experienced a lot of head trauma, they like to gamble.
00:57:38.000And it's genius because he's the only person, number one, he's the most famous golfer in the city at that time, is John Daly, more famous than anybody playing in that tournament.
00:57:50.000And so he'll go out there and sell $250,000, $300,000 worth of merch out of this huge You know, he's got this big Prevost tour thing and a big old trailer and set up.
00:58:59.000Yeah, so, well, he gets crazy, you know, he got sober for a few years, and then he called me the other day, and I was like, oh, that started again.
00:59:11.000And then the last time I was at, last year at Augusta, we got really trashed, and he was doing a podcast or some kind of radio show out of the Hooters, and besides that, he's got a radio show, or did for a while, and And he's just drunk as shit,
01:01:48.000And I don't, you know, when I met him, I'm really good friends with John Paul DeGioia, who owns Patron and Paul Mitchell, and he is just a biker.
01:02:06.000So he has these men's knights that are kind of a league of extraordinary rich dudes.
01:02:15.000But every once in a while an entertainer sneaks in there like me and Alan.
01:02:19.000So the first one I went there, I recognized Al, of course, because he was a hugely famous television star when I was watching television even.
01:02:28.000But what attracted me was just him as a man, you know, just his charisma.
01:02:34.000He's just one of those guys that can, you know, just a man's man, you know.
01:02:41.000Yeah, you just want to hang around him.
01:05:30.000And then it'd vibrate to where the waves came in from the center to the middle and then bounce up in the middle.
01:05:36.000And then you could get a hold of it, because you're obviously stronger than the ghost, you could settle it back down and let go of it, and he would do it again.
01:05:48.000And I know that, I mean, I happen to just know that, to be a fact, that I lived in a haunted house.
01:05:55.000How many people do you think have actually lived in a haunted house, and how many people are just fucking crazy?
01:06:02.000If you really did live in a haunted house, and I believe you did, You know that some people who have told similar stories are just fucking crazy, and that might be the problem.
01:06:10.000The problem is trying to differentiate between real, unusual experiences, which may or not be possible, that can happen to anybody.
01:06:17.000Just because it hasn't happened to you, or it hasn't happened to me, I'm walking through life assuming that it's bullshit.
01:06:22.000But if it did happen right in front of you, you'll go, holy shit, how am I going to describe what this is?
01:06:28.000How many people are pretending things like that are happening now?
01:06:31.000I don't know, you know, but it's just something that I've always been able to say after I've lived there, that I know for a fact that something happens afterwards.
01:07:28.000I said, I'm going to tell you something right now.
01:07:30.000You fuck with my little boy, I'm going to hit your daughter in the mouth.
01:07:34.000Because I saw her every month when I made the payment, so if he was going to jack with my little kid, I was going to fucking punch some teeth in.
01:07:50.000And he never, never, ever saw any activity in that room again.
01:07:54.000My grandparents had a house where a guy died in the house, and they always claimed that they saw him.
01:07:59.000He was like a guy who rented a room in their attic.
01:08:03.000And he died and my grandmother always would swear that she could like hear him walking around up there and he'd be there You know if there is we know that all this is like most people hear ghost stories They go get the fuck out of here.
01:08:16.000It's because so many ghost shows I mean how many times can you watch a person go into a basement with a one of those night vision Screens on and look at nothing and go.
01:08:45.000There's people that are born with birth defects that make them tiny, and other people are born with gigantism, and death is, and life itself is not like this perfect mathematical science.
01:08:55.000It's filled with all sorts of mistakes and errors and weird shit.
01:08:59.000If there's a transition between this stage of life and the next stage of life, would we assume that it would be perfect?
01:10:42.000You know, when I was young, I was real dismissive of religion because I was real religious at one point.
01:10:47.000When I was like real young, I went to Catholic school.
01:10:50.000And it was a good experience because it was a bad experience.
01:10:54.000So I realized these mean, flawed people that are teaching what they think is supposedly God's word.
01:11:00.000And I became a very anti-religious person for a long time.
01:11:05.000Where I thought of religion as being like an ideology that controls your brain.
01:11:09.000But as I've gotten older, one of the things that I've been thinking more and more is that although the Bible's definitely been altered by a bunch of different people, there's a difference between the Old Testament and the New Testament, and even the translations of the Old Testament, they were trying to say something.
01:11:25.000They wrote this fucking thing down and passed it down more than anything else.
01:11:30.000Like, the Bible's almost like the story of life.
01:11:33.000Because if you go that far back, There's no other stories.
01:11:37.000You go far back as the Old Testament, there's no other fucking stories.
01:15:58.000I got offered a radio job one time, and it was probably for twice what I was making as a stand-up comic, and it was with Eddie Fingers in Cincinnati.
01:19:04.000I'm like, there's no doubt you're the most famous person here.
01:19:07.000I was playing Denver, and he was working out stuff at the Comedy Works in Denver, which is one of the best comedy clubs in the country, too.
01:19:58.000And then he called me when I was in Denver and said, would you come out and do a set?
01:20:02.000Because I was coming in a day early in front of me.
01:20:07.000And I'm like, oh, fuck yeah, I'd love to.
01:20:10.000But anyway, after a set here one night, I hear it like we're at the comedy store.
01:20:17.000I was leaving, and I was walking up to my car, and he's got a bunch of people in a big old huge SUV. And he goes, Ron White, you're coming with us.
01:21:18.000I think I met Dave when he was like 18 or something.
01:21:21.000He was always like, just a super nice guy.
01:21:24.000Just always been very genuine, you know, and in the amazing pressure that you face and being, like in a lot of ways, the voice of a comedic generation.
01:21:35.000When he was doing Chappelle's show, it was sort of the defining show of that generation.
01:23:20.000I saw Chris D'Elia's Instagram the other day, and there was some couple that was leaving, and apparently they were just really rude to him during his show, and they were yelling out, you're a loser and all this shit.
01:27:49.000I'm just saying what a live show is really is some weird interaction, right?
01:27:55.000And I think people like to know that you're right there.
01:27:58.000Well, when I'd been doing stand-up for six years and I was headlining Comedy Club, I prayed to God somebody would heckle me because I couldn't get to 45 minutes without it.
01:28:07.000So, you know, I needed about four or five minutes of jabber and asking Hayseeds where they're from, which is pure third-grade comedy.
01:28:26.000How long is it before someone does a hologram show where you go to a theater and the holograms are so good that it looks like it's really Ron White?
01:32:14.000Well, lately, now that I live at the Montage in Beverly Hills, I fly it down Beverly Drive and just take footage of it and turn it around, snapshots.
01:32:30.000But the thing is, I used to live off a canyon, right?
01:33:46.000But did you see that one where there was a guy that was on the skiing slopes, and he was in some sort of Olympic competition or something, and the drone fell behind him?
01:36:15.000Way up a hill is the hotel where I'm at.
01:36:18.000So I'm going to take my drone and I want to go down that strip and shoot that street, you know, just from one end to the other.
01:36:27.000And I had a spare battery in my pocket, and so I took it out front and I took it off from there and I just kind of walked it over like I was flying a kite.
01:36:49.000And then I fly it back down there again, and while it's flying, this really good-looking girl goes, oh, you're the one with the drone scaring everybody.
01:39:45.000And as technology gets closer and closer and closer and closer to whatever the fuck the singularity is, we're going to probably physically be able to do that.
01:39:55.000Right now, we can't physically fly around.
01:39:59.000Have some sort of a jetpack-type situation.
01:40:02.000Yeah, listen, those empty promises rang hollow years ago, the jetpacks.
01:40:09.000They did, but as technology improves, there's a possibility within our lifetime of some sort of propulsion system that works on some sort of a vest that you would wear.
01:40:20.000Next hundred years, all you got to do to see what's going to happen in the next hundred years is look at the last hundred years and that kind of momentum is going to continue straight on until this looks like antique.
01:41:07.000You know, I didn't vote for the president-elect, but I did get my tax estimates two days ago, and when I looked at it, I was like, go Trump!
01:41:19.000Now, I don't mean to say that I agree with anything he's ever said in his life, but...
01:41:23.000But, you know, I don't know how these really rich guys are getting away with paying 3%, and I'm paying 34% tax on this money.
01:41:34.000And, you know, well, he did get elected, so...
01:41:39.000I am going to get the benefits of those tax breaks.
01:41:42.000I wouldn't trade my country for it, but I'll take them.
01:41:45.000It's just fascinating because he's the first truly famous, like super famous guy who ran for president and won.
01:45:10.000About meeting somebody, but I was like the grand marshal at Talladega, and Margo sang the national anthem, so we were like the king and queen of the Talladega Speedway that weekend.
01:49:08.000I see nobody's point but Jerry's point.
01:49:12.000This guy's asking ridiculously stupid questions to one of the most famous comedians, certainly the best comedic actor, one of the best comedic actors that ever lived.
01:49:24.000And he's asking him, why aren't you more like your dead friends?
01:49:37.000I think with a guy like that, if you're going to have a conversation with him, it's going to have to be in a podcast form.
01:49:44.000It's going to have to be with someone who really respects him.
01:49:48.000Someone who's going to have a conversation at this point in his life, after all the movies and all the stuff that guy's done, he probably doesn't want to deal with any bullshit anymore.
01:49:59.000It seems like, to him, it was like, this is stupid.
01:51:20.000I mean, because we thought we were going to be really passive, you know, like, and that's where Jerry Lewis lived for 45 years, and right there is where there's George Carlin, the house, you know.
01:52:53.000And it was obviously, that's how Jerry Lewis felt, and you could tell the guy who was asking the question was kind of, you know, he was treading on water, trying to figure out how to get the fuck through this while he's talking to this living legend.
01:53:19.000The ability to ad-lib and ask questions to some living legend like Jerry Lewis and just not realize while you're doing it that your narrative that you set up in your head is probably disrespectful to him because you're comparing him to all these dead people and why he's still working.
01:53:33.000You're essentially saying why he's still alive.
01:54:43.000We had just signed Cosby and that stuff breaks.
01:54:46.000He would have been the perfect client for it because he's looking for trim anyway after the show, so he's going to want to hang and sell it.
01:55:47.000I mean, if you go back and watch like the Nutty Professor, like we were talking about how that influenced Dice, you know, if you go back and watch that and just realize there had been nothing before this, you know, like there was Charlie Chapman and there was a few movies.
01:58:04.000I tell you what, I tell people all the time, man, if you like stand-up comedy, go to the comedy store and make a vacation around it and go sit in there because people are going to come in and that room rattles.
01:58:46.000If you stop and think about how much camaraderie and friendship there is between the comedians, you would think if you get all these national comedians that tour all over the place, you put them together, oh, well, ego battles, it's going to be weird.
01:59:00.000Everybody's hugging everybody and high-fiving and having drinks.
01:59:04.000I go on, I do my time, but I try to hit them as hard as I can, right in the fucking mouth.
01:59:15.000Because that's what I like to do, is hit them right in the fucking mouth.
01:59:19.000And I guarantee you, somebody just got through hitting them in the mouth, so they're still wiping blood off their face when it's my turn to hit them in the mouth, but I'll hit them in the mouth anyway.
01:59:30.000But the crowds that you get a hold of are so alive.
02:00:08.000This is a rare, rare little jewel in the universe of all the different performing arts at this one place that just sort of fucking cranked down the focus.
02:00:58.000When I first started here, I really had a great little burst of material that I really like, and it's all the front end of my show now, and it's about 20 minutes long that I want from the front end of the show.
02:01:12.000That's what I'm doing now on the front end of my live show.
02:01:19.000But now, you know, it seems like I'm just playing around with the order of that stuff to see where it works the best and just how to just fucking really slap them in the face with it.
02:01:30.000Because eventually, over time, your act will get into a place where it does drift into the spot it needs to be in.
02:01:38.000But I don't have that kind of time, so I need to look at it.
02:01:41.000And do it different ways and see where it needs to be to just slap the fuck out of them.
02:01:48.000Which is my only goal is to slap the fuck out of them.
02:01:53.000And when I can't do that anymore, I'll keep doing it for a couple more years.
02:02:18.000Not exactly who you are, not as much as I do now.
02:02:22.000But I saw you do stand-up in Atlanta one time as a feature act a long time ago.
02:02:29.000And you just really fucking tore this crowd up.
02:02:31.000And I was like, ah, this guy's really good.
02:02:34.000And so then, you know, I don't, unlike you, I don't hang out there and watch comics, you know, but sometimes you're right in front of me or right after me, and I just got, you know, just huge respect.
02:06:54.000You know, after the show, we travel at night, and we'll do these broadcasts, and the Big Gay Dave and Ron show, which has no content or anything.
02:12:07.000Oh man, if you can just get used to drinking juice, just fresh squeezed vegetable juice, if you can just get used to doing that just a few times a day, it'll drastically improve your life.
02:12:17.000There's so much nutrients and plants that we need and we fucking escape them for days.
02:12:22.000We just eat mashed potatoes and meat and shit for days.
02:12:25.000I don't have any energy for a workout.
02:14:40.000But the problem is, and it does, I mean, if you watch tape of people putting these things on, people that are almost completely deaf, putting this system in their ears, every one of them starts crying.
02:19:20.000One of the singers, the one that wasn't as good, he was replaced by this Irish tenor that could just hit every single one of those notes, and it was great.
02:19:33.000So the only reason is it's kind of personal to me because he's a friend.
02:19:37.000And so I know what he was going through that year, and also the death of his best friend, and then the loss of his hearing, and then the loss of his band.
02:19:46.000And there were only a few dates left, but that's not the way he wanted to go out.
02:23:17.000So she, live, for the first time ever, improvising on the spot, sings her version, unprepared, of Midnight Rider, while Gary motherfucking Clark Jr. Plays all the Dickie Betts parts.
02:25:20.000I think it's, you know, Cameron always has a sweetness to his shows.
02:25:24.000I mean, his movies always have a sweet edge to them.
02:25:27.000You know, no matter what it is, whether it's, you know, Fast Times at Ridgemont High or, but the whole line of movies, Jerry Maguire, uh, uh, Almost Famous.
02:26:15.000Because they could, and they're cunts, and whoever that bitch is that reviews for Variety magazine, one day she's going to feel a turd in her throat.
02:26:38.000Okay, maybe I'll just flick some ink on her dress.
02:26:41.000I think it's going to be way easier if you...
02:26:45.000I think about the kind of grudges that someone can have with someone like him, like Cameron Crowe.
02:26:53.000It's going to be way easier to avoid that stuff if you're being reviewed by everybody.
02:26:58.000Instead of just being reviewed by a bunch of selected outlets like the Washington Post, the New York Times, the Hollywood Reporter, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
02:27:05.000Just the open-ended aspect of the internet is kind of changing that, don't you think?
02:32:42.000Trump's program for him to say Trump's gonna win for sure, and I'm the one that knows.
02:32:47.000And he also has the background that says he's the one that knows.
02:32:50.000So it wasn't, you know, it was one of the several blows that Hillary took, besides being a horrible candidate, that she took that knocked it out of her hands.
02:33:03.000You know, these two people were running against the only people that they could possibly fucking beat.
02:33:09.000You know, if she just wouldn't have said basket of deplorables.
02:33:14.000When she said that, I was like, Jesus titty fucking Christ, really?
02:33:23.000Just, you know, when people, even people that wanted to look at it as an alternative vote, like as an alternative to the potential chaos that Trump could cause, You know, and some people looked at it that way, and some people, honestly, I think, I don't know what percentage I would guess it would be,
02:33:40.000but there's a bunch of pragmatists that got in there, and when it came time to vote, looked at that fucking ballot and said, you know what?
02:34:24.000You know, and I think that there's this weird defining of things right now where everyone has to absolutely say in one way or another, either support or deny that.
02:34:33.000They either support him or don't support him.
02:34:47.000Hey, I had a guy who wouldn't take a picture of me at a meet and greet because I was, somebody just brought up the subject, and I don't fucking bring it up at my meet and greets or my show.
02:34:55.000I used to do one bit about it that was barely Could be conceived as anti-Trump.
02:35:04.000Because half my fucking fans, I'm not going to lose half my fucking fan base over a goddamn presidential election.
02:35:52.000We're bringing Halliburton back into the son of a bitch.
02:35:58.000He's been on ice, it turns out, for eight years.
02:36:01.000The only Dick Cheney that we've ever seen in news reports has been this artificial Dick Cheney.
02:36:05.000Dick Cheney has cryogenically frozen himself for eight years to get through the Obama administration and then to pop back up in the Trump administration.
02:37:43.000And they sit behind him in the car, pacing with him, smoking cigarettes.
02:37:47.000And then one day, Dick Cheney has a fucking heart attack and they open that dude up like a fish and just scoop out his fucking fresh heart and do some roadside service.
02:38:00.000I can never figure out how to get to work.
02:38:01.000I think it's very funny, but I don't know how you're going to get it to work.
02:38:26.000Without a doubt, Dick Cheney did not have any influence whatsoever in anyone moving him to the front of the line to get a young, fresh 20-year-old basketball player's heart.
02:38:36.000There's definitely no, no, no, no chance about it.
02:39:11.000He suffered five heart attacks, undergone open heart surgery, multiple catheterizations and angioplasties, had a defibrillator implanted and a pump attached directly to his heart.
02:39:28.000All of that before his transplant at age 71. Or some young strongman winner.
02:39:37.000They got some fucking kid from Iceland that dropped one of those mallets on his head, and they just grabbed him and just threw him on ice, sent him over to Jack.
02:40:58.000So if they're fucking crazy when they're 30 and they want to take over the world, why do we automatically expect them to be on some path of self-regulation and improvement to the point where they become enlightened and they don't want to...
02:41:10.000Take over the world anymore now that they're 70 and they've had 15 open-heart surgeries.
02:44:50.000I smoke a lot of weed, and that's good, and I drink a lot of tequila, but I'd like to thank the Jack Daniels folks for sending this over, because this is fucking delicious.
02:45:58.000Now, are you a part of the Bilderberg group, or are you a supporter of any sort of the Illuminati, anything that's going on that's ruling the world, Ron White?
02:46:59.000Help support injured service members, war on the drugs that matter.
02:47:04.000I had this war on meth thing that I felt like, because I have the same, I have a comics perspective of the American people.
02:47:18.000Which means for the last 30 years of my life, I've done nothing but travel back and forth across this country, upside, downside, one left to right, right to left.
02:48:56.000Because I would put U.S. troops on the ground, and I would put a bounty of $20,000.
02:49:02.000If you can show me an operating meth lab, we'll go in there, boots on the ground, we'll give you eight seconds to give up your meth babies, and then we're going to kill everybody in the fucking place.
02:51:52.000I don't know if this is real, but I mean, there are people apparently that agree with him and there's a whole community discussion about this.
02:54:36.000I think right now those providers, all these different people, are trying to figure out how to get that straight so you can watch pretty much.
02:54:43.000I mean, how many years, you think, if you're realistic, how many years are we away from everything that everyone makes being able to be watched online real close?
02:54:52.000It's just got to be some universal currency thing, some universal one-click like Amazon, something along those lines where you can get things on the spot right after they come out.
02:55:02.000Because, you know, that's going to massively increase how many people watch a show or any show.
02:55:07.000Because some people just don't want to pay for that Showtime package.
02:55:42.000If there was just some one easy way that you could put that fucking thing online, just one simple way where everybody could just give you, like, a buck or whatever it is for an episode.
02:57:06.000Everybody else is like, 17 days a week.
02:57:08.000I'm like, I don't have 17 days a week to fucking do this shit.
02:57:11.000That's what I was going to tell you earlier.
02:57:13.000I would never encourage any changing of any of what you do.
02:57:18.000Because then you wouldn't be Ron White.
02:57:20.000But if Ron White decides at one point in time that he wants to change whatever behavior, if Ron White decides that he wants to start drinking carrot and ginger and garlic juice every morning and going to the fucking CrossFit gym...
02:58:25.000That's just sucking you into its grave.
02:58:28.000The undeniable constant pull that you could...
02:58:31.000It used to kick your ass when you were a baby.
02:58:35.000And you'd just fall over and kick your ass all the time, and then you got a little stronger, and then it got to where you could fucking run, and then it got to where you could jump, and you were like kicking gravity's ass for a few years.