The Joe Rogan Experience - December 28, 2016


Joe Rogan Experience #892 - Greg Fitzsimmons


Episode Stats

Length

3 hours and 9 minutes

Words per Minute

185.66646

Word Count

35,125

Sentence Count

3,525

Misogynist Sentences

155

Hate Speech Sentences

125


Summary

In this episode, we talk about the wage gap between men and women in the tech industry, and what it means to be a woman in tech and a man in tech. We also talk about why women are paying less than men for the same amount of work, and why men are more likely to get into tech. We also discuss the fact that women are getting paid less than their male co-workers, and how this might be a good thing, because men tend to be more ambitious and driven, and get paid more because of it, and women tend to get paid less because of the lack of work they do. Also, we discuss why women should be paid more than men, because they have to work more hours and are better at their jobs than men do, and the benefits that come with those jobs, like maternity leave and parental leave. We finish up with some listener mail, and then we're off to the races! Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Art by Skynet. Thank you to our sponsor, VaynerMedia. Please rate, review, and subscribe to our podcast, and spread the word to your friends about this podcast! If you like what you hear, share it on your socials, and tell us what you think about it! We'll be looking out for us in next week's next week! Timestamps: 5 stars! 6 stars 7 stars 8 stars 9 stars 10 stars 11 stars 12 stars 13 stars 14 stars 15 stars 16 stars 17 stars 18 stars 19 stars 16 thumbs up! 17 thumbs up? 18 thumbs down! 19 thumbs down? 21 stars 22 thumbs down 18 points 19 20 thumbs down?! 22 stars 21 points! 21 15 14 24 thumbs up 17 points 19 points 20 points 16 points 22 points 15 points 21 up 22 13 points 24 points 18 23 points 14 points 13 26 25 points 23 27 points 26 points 25 6 4 7 12 8 points 27 28 points 17 10 5


Transcript

00:00:00.000 Where are you going?
00:00:00.000 No.
00:00:00.000 Seems like we were.
00:00:05.000 Now we are!
00:00:07.000 Hey!
00:00:08.000 You gonna go cans or no cans?
00:00:10.000 I'll go with you.
00:00:10.000 What are you gonna do?
00:00:11.000 I'm gonna go no cans.
00:00:13.000 You're a fucking animal.
00:00:14.000 Jesus, Fitzsimmons.
00:00:16.000 Let's just connect, man.
00:00:17.000 Let's mind meld.
00:00:18.000 I think you mind meld more with those things on.
00:00:20.000 Yeah, in some weird way.
00:00:20.000 Really?
00:00:22.000 Yeah.
00:00:22.000 Yeah, you're in each other's head.
00:00:24.000 I just hate my voice.
00:00:25.000 I sound like a woman.
00:00:26.000 You definitely don't sound like a woman.
00:00:28.000 Whenever I call for, like, tech support, they'll lead me through the first few steps, and then I'll be like, alright, and then I hit delete, and they'll be like, no, man, what you do is...
00:00:38.000 And then it's like, it's too far into it for me to correct them, because it feels too...
00:00:43.000 I'm too embarrassed to correct them at that point.
00:00:45.000 So then I just let them assume I'm a woman for the rest of the call.
00:00:50.000 And it's weird because then you see what it's like to be treated like a woman.
00:00:54.000 I find that they talk down to you more.
00:00:58.000 Especially about tech support, right?
00:01:00.000 Oh, fuck yeah!
00:01:02.000 A chick on a computer?
00:01:04.000 They treat you like you're a baby.
00:01:06.000 And now is the screen blue?
00:01:12.000 Take your little mouse.
00:01:15.000 Why is there a difference in, like, tech stuff?
00:01:19.000 Like, why are men more attracted to tech stuff?
00:01:22.000 Aren't we more mathematical than women?
00:01:27.000 Boy, that's a weird thing to say.
00:01:29.000 I mean, there's right on the left side of the brain, right?
00:01:32.000 I would say, yeah, men are much more mathematical than women, but I'm not mathematical even slightly.
00:01:36.000 So what am I, a woman?
00:01:37.000 Yeah.
00:01:38.000 Huh?
00:01:40.000 You just said that like you were going to kick my ass.
00:01:41.000 What am I, a broad?
00:01:42.000 What am I, a chick?
00:01:44.000 What do I read, fucking chick lit?
00:01:46.000 I'm a fucking skirt.
00:01:50.000 I wish I was, man.
00:01:52.000 They got it made right now.
00:01:53.000 Women got it made.
00:01:55.000 How so?
00:01:56.000 Well, because there's, you know, there's this sort of like postmodern feminism coming back where, you know, with the lean in and the like, you know, women really, they really are going to start getting, I think they're still making like 80 cents on a dollar.
00:02:09.000 Do you know that's all bullshit?
00:02:10.000 I've heard you say that before and I wanted to correct you.
00:02:12.000 You know that's not true?
00:02:12.000 Oh yeah?
00:02:13.000 It's not?
00:02:14.000 It's not true.
00:02:14.000 No.
00:02:15.000 You know what that means?
00:02:16.000 When they say women make 80 cents on the dollar?
00:02:18.000 It means overall women make 80 cents compared to the dollar that men make, but not for the same jobs.
00:02:24.000 When women and men are making the same, when they're doing the same job, The problem with that statistic is it leads you to believe that a man and a woman are working alongside each other, doing the exact same amount of work, the same amount of hours, but the woman makes less.
00:02:38.000 It's not the case.
00:02:39.000 Well, there's a lot of executives that have been found out to be—I know a couple that are executives that were doing the same job, leading the sales team and making less money.
00:02:48.000 Perhaps.
00:02:49.000 Perhaps there's a few exceptions.
00:02:50.000 Right.
00:02:51.000 But for the most part, when you talk about overall jobs, it's pretty statistically proven.
00:02:56.000 That lawyers, doctors, whatever the fuck the job is, when they're working side by side, there's very little disparity.
00:02:56.000 Right.
00:03:01.000 Yeah.
00:03:02.000 Very little.
00:03:04.000 Podcasting.
00:03:07.000 For work, time off of work for maternal leave, of course, if they have babies, but also they tend to work less hours.
00:03:14.000 Men tend to be more ambitious, more driven, work more hours, and they get paid more because of it.
00:03:19.000 That's what it is.
00:03:20.000 It's one of those weird ones where everybody says it.
00:03:23.000 Even fucking Obama said it.
00:03:24.000 The wage gap, the income gap.
00:03:26.000 What do you mean?
00:03:28.000 Why are you saying that?
00:03:29.000 Because you're talking about...
00:03:31.000 You're talking about it as if there's some sort of discrimination, when in fact there's a natural tendency that a lot of women have to choose different jobs.
00:03:39.000 As far as nursing, overwhelmingly, it's predominantly women.
00:03:45.000 So you're saying if you take the total amount women make versus the total amount men make- That's where the 80 cents of the dollar comes from.
00:03:51.000 There's a difference, but it's the job choices you're saying that are different.
00:03:54.000 Job choices.
00:03:54.000 Exactly.
00:03:55.000 Men are much more likely to die on the job.
00:03:57.000 Yeah.
00:03:57.000 Men are much more likely to take high-paying, high-risk jobs like mining, things along those lines.
00:04:03.000 Yeah.
00:04:03.000 So that's what that is.
00:04:04.000 Yeah.
00:04:04.000 It's one of those weird ones where you repeat it.
00:04:06.000 A lot of people repeat it, and they think it's right.
00:04:08.000 They think that men and women are working alongside each other making the same amount of money.
00:04:11.000 Yeah.
00:04:12.000 The other thing about executives is...
00:04:15.000 And this is something that no one wants to say because it sounds sexist, but it might be that the men are earning more money.
00:04:22.000 Like, it might not just be that they're making more money.
00:04:25.000 It might be their actual performance as an executive is better.
00:04:28.000 It's entirely possible.
00:04:30.000 It is possible, but I can also see...
00:04:33.000 Like, if I hired a man and a woman, I would pay the woman less.
00:04:40.000 Just because, you know, men are just...
00:04:45.000 They're just better looking.
00:04:46.000 You know, you want them around more.
00:04:49.000 Women are gross.
00:04:50.000 How dare you?
00:04:51.000 They have periods.
00:04:53.000 Like, literally, why would I pay somebody who's bleeding on the job as much as a man?
00:05:00.000 I don't think you're being serious.
00:05:05.000 I'm glad I never have to have a workforce.
00:05:07.000 I mean, what do you got?
00:05:08.000 What do you got, one guy?
00:05:09.000 You got a few people working for you.
00:05:11.000 Yeah, but they're guys.
00:05:13.000 All guys.
00:05:15.000 Sexy guys, too.
00:05:17.000 Now, you're a good-looking guy.
00:05:18.000 Yeah.
00:05:19.000 Jamie's not a bad-looking dude.
00:05:20.000 Did you play sports?
00:05:21.000 Yeah.
00:05:22.000 What'd you play?
00:05:23.000 In high school, I played basketball for four years, varsity for three.
00:05:27.000 Yeah, you got a lot of pussy, I bet.
00:05:29.000 How old were you when you lost your virginity?
00:05:34.000 17. That's a little slow on the uptick there.
00:05:38.000 Yeah, 17. You wanted to choose wisely.
00:05:40.000 How old were you?
00:05:42.000 15?
00:05:42.000 16?
00:05:43.000 Like, almost 16, maybe?
00:05:45.000 Older woman, I bet.
00:05:46.000 No, I got molested by a girl when I was 13 and she was 21. Yeah?
00:05:52.000 Yeah, but nothing really happened.
00:05:54.000 It was one of those weird ones.
00:05:56.000 Like, she was grabbing my dick and I was all confused and I made out with her, but I was like, what the hell are we doing here?
00:06:01.000 I was so confused.
00:06:01.000 No shit.
00:06:02.000 Had you hit puberty yet?
00:06:04.000 I mean, I guess so.
00:06:05.000 I was 13. When do you hit puberty?
00:06:07.000 I didn't hit it until I was like 15. I wasn't beating off at the time.
00:06:12.000 I actually had sex before I beat off.
00:06:14.000 No shit.
00:06:15.000 Yeah, that's bizarre.
00:06:17.000 Well, I was just...
00:06:17.000 That's an accomplishment.
00:06:19.000 I didn't...
00:06:19.000 Once I figured out beating off, though, I was like, oh, I'm a slave.
00:06:25.000 Yes.
00:06:26.000 Like, I'm a slave to getting rid of this cum.
00:06:28.000 Yep.
00:06:29.000 Like, oh, no.
00:06:30.000 And then I realized, like, once I beat off, I was like, oh, well, I can do this myself.
00:06:34.000 And then I'm not so fucking needy and weird.
00:06:37.000 I remember the first time I was dating this girl...
00:06:40.000 The first time I beat off, and then I was like, I don't even want to call her.
00:06:44.000 Yeah.
00:06:44.000 Like, I don't want to hang out with her.
00:06:46.000 Like, this is annoying.
00:06:47.000 Yeah.
00:06:48.000 And I realized, like, oh, it wasn't so much that I was attracted to her.
00:06:53.000 It wasn't so much that I enjoyed being around her.
00:06:58.000 I wanted to have sex with her.
00:07:00.000 And then once the sex was taken out, once I get rid of the load, I was like, oh, I don't really want to be around her.
00:07:07.000 This is just some biological trick.
00:07:09.000 Yeah.
00:07:10.000 Like, my body's tricking me into wanting to be near her and hang around with her.
00:07:13.000 Yeah.
00:07:14.000 It's weird.
00:07:15.000 Yeah, because teenage boys and girls have so little in common.
00:07:18.000 Nothing.
00:07:19.000 All you care about is sports, laughing, trying to get fucked up.
00:07:23.000 Well, you didn't really do that, but we did.
00:07:25.000 And girls at that age are just extremely social beings.
00:07:30.000 They're very much about their social circle and establishing who's in the group.
00:07:38.000 I'm just talking about my daughter is like this.
00:07:41.000 And I think that they're much more in line with...
00:07:44.000 What school is telling you to do.
00:07:46.000 They tend to do better in school because they're a little bit more linear and they're self-motivated more than boys.
00:07:54.000 We're just distracted too much.
00:07:57.000 I think boys also have a serious problem with authority.
00:08:00.000 When teachers are telling you what to do, you automatically don't want to do it.
00:08:04.000 That's just a natural inclination that people have.
00:08:06.000 Right.
00:08:06.000 Do you want some of those?
00:08:07.000 No, I'm good, thanks.
00:08:08.000 Yeah.
00:08:08.000 Scared?
00:08:10.000 It's legal now.
00:08:11.000 You can blow it in my face if I'm having a problem with that.
00:08:13.000 Yeah.
00:08:14.000 It's totally legal.
00:08:15.000 I got a total second-hand high in the green room at the comedy store the other night.
00:08:20.000 Holy shit.
00:08:21.000 That was like, there was a cigar going, five joints going.
00:08:27.000 Ron White doesn't play.
00:08:28.000 He pulled out a joint yesterday.
00:08:30.000 We killed a joint.
00:08:31.000 And after the joint, he pulled out one of those vape pens, those big, gigantic robot dick ones.
00:08:35.000 Yeah.
00:08:36.000 I'm like, Jesus, Ron.
00:08:37.000 He's like, oh, hell yeah, it's weed.
00:08:37.000 I go, is that weed?
00:08:39.000 Good lord.
00:08:39.000 Shh.
00:08:41.000 So he's got a cigar going.
00:08:42.000 He brings his own tequila because he has his own tequila company.
00:08:46.000 No, he doesn't.
00:08:47.000 So he has, it's number one tequila.
00:08:47.000 Yes, he does.
00:08:50.000 Tequila.
00:08:51.000 So he brings this bottle of tequila.
00:08:53.000 It's really good tequila.
00:08:54.000 And then he's smoking a cigar.
00:08:56.000 He's passing out shots.
00:08:57.000 He brings cups back there, handing out shots of his tequila.
00:09:01.000 Ron White is a goddamn walking party.
00:09:02.000 He is a walking party.
00:09:04.000 I drove him home the other night because he doesn't drink and drive.
00:09:07.000 Which I admire.
00:09:09.000 He goes to me, he goes, hey.
00:09:13.000 You want to just drive me home in my truck and then take an Uber back and then get your car and drive home?
00:09:18.000 I'm like, yeah, that's not happening.
00:09:19.000 I go, you want to ride home?
00:09:21.000 And he's like, yeah, I'll take a ride home.
00:09:24.000 I'll leave my truck here.
00:09:26.000 So he gets in my Prius, which immediately he gives me shit for the entire way.
00:09:31.000 He can barely fit in it.
00:09:32.000 And I'm going down Sunset.
00:09:36.000 Yeah, go down this way.
00:09:37.000 So I'm driving down.
00:09:38.000 All of a sudden we hit like Beverly Glen and I'm like, where's your fucking house?
00:09:41.000 He goes...
00:09:42.000 Where are we?
00:09:43.000 I go, we're in fucking, like, Bel Air or something.
00:09:46.000 And so he's like, no, no, no, go back.
00:09:48.000 So we go back all the way to the comedy store.
00:09:50.000 And start from scratch?
00:09:51.000 Start from scratch, take a right down there, and then I'm going down to fucking Cannon or something.
00:09:56.000 And he's like, nah, nah, you went too far.
00:09:59.000 I'm like, how the fuck did I know I was going too far?
00:10:03.000 What was far?
00:10:04.000 What was the spot?
00:10:05.000 And then I can't make a left.
00:10:07.000 So he goes, just make a left.
00:10:08.000 I'm late.
00:10:09.000 My wife is going to be...
00:10:10.000 I told her I was going to be home at 10.30.
00:10:11.000 I'm like, look, I'm not getting a fucking ticket.
00:10:13.000 The middle of Beverly Hills, where you get ticketed for fucking picking your nose.
00:10:17.000 I'm not making an illegal left.
00:10:19.000 He's like, no, make the left.
00:10:20.000 I'm not making the fucking left.
00:10:21.000 So I go past it and I double back.
00:10:23.000 And then I get to his place.
00:10:25.000 And you know, his place is a hotel.
00:10:28.000 Yeah.
00:10:28.000 Oh.
00:10:29.000 Did he talk about this on your show?
00:10:30.000 Yeah.
00:10:31.000 I don't want to like out his personal experience.
00:10:33.000 No, he definitely said the name of the hotel, but he had a water problem in his house.
00:10:39.000 Crazy!
00:10:40.000 He talked about that, right?
00:10:42.000 He spent, like, I think more than two years building this house.
00:10:46.000 He told me five years.
00:10:48.000 Yeah, but he bought it and then they had to get the plans approved and then the building.
00:10:52.000 So it was a total process of about five years.
00:10:52.000 Yeah.
00:10:55.000 Right.
00:10:56.000 But I think it was two solid years then building this house.
00:10:58.000 Right.
00:10:59.000 So he goes out of town and a water faucet broke.
00:11:03.000 And the whole house from the top floor flooded all the way down to the bottom floor.
00:11:06.000 And all the walls have fucking fungus and mold in them.
00:11:10.000 And it's a complete tear down.
00:11:12.000 Have you ever had that happen?
00:11:13.000 Do you ever have like a fungus or mold issue?
00:11:16.000 Yeah, we did.
00:11:18.000 And it wasn't lethal.
00:11:20.000 It was a mold.
00:11:20.000 We got it tested.
00:11:21.000 And my wife's very sensitive to it.
00:11:23.000 So she was getting all kinds of like allergies from it.
00:11:26.000 And they came in and the testing is fucking expensive.
00:11:29.000 And it was just, you know, it was just a leaky pipe under the house, and you know, it's in Venice, so it's kind of moist down there.
00:11:36.000 And they just, you know, they shaved it out, bagged it.
00:11:40.000 So it was no big deal?
00:11:41.000 No, but if it's the wrong kind of mold, I mean, it can cause fucking, like, your brain can go crazy.
00:11:47.000 Do you remember that Tom Lycus guy?
00:11:49.000 Remember Tom Lycus radio guy?
00:11:50.000 Very nice guy.
00:11:51.000 Great guy.
00:11:52.000 Tom Lycus.
00:11:53.000 Show us your tits Tuesday!
00:11:54.000 Yeah, he was crazy.
00:11:56.000 Yeah, what is it, Whip Em Out Wednesday?
00:11:58.000 Whip Em Out Wednesday is something you're supposed to do when you're driving on.
00:12:00.000 No, Opie and Anthony had one.
00:12:01.000 Opie and Anthony had Whip Em Out Wednesday, right?
00:12:05.000 And Tom had like Flash Friday.
00:12:07.000 Yeah.
00:12:08.000 Where you're driving down a highway or the road and you show your tits to guys and then they call in.
00:12:13.000 And then, you know, Opie and Anthony got mad because they thought that Tom like stole the idea from them.
00:12:19.000 And I'm like, listen, boys, it's just tits.
00:12:21.000 The more tits come out, the better.
00:12:22.000 Stop not encouraging people.
00:12:24.000 Exactly.
00:12:25.000 What are you doing?
00:12:26.000 Every radio show in the country should have a day where women show their tits.
00:12:29.000 I mean, it should be just a part of what people do.
00:12:32.000 I was doing, you know, Bubba the Love Sponge, right?
00:12:35.000 Down in Tampa.
00:12:36.000 That dude is fucking out there.
00:12:39.000 As we know, because his wife had sex with Hulk Hogan and there was a videotape of it going around.
00:12:43.000 Which he basically got a web...
00:12:47.000 What's the website that got shut down?
00:12:49.000 Gawker fucking folded because of that lawsuit from Bubba.
00:12:49.000 Gawker.
00:12:54.000 Or was it...
00:12:55.000 Wait, who did the lawsuit?
00:12:56.000 Bubba or Hulk?
00:12:57.000 Hulk did.
00:12:57.000 Oh, Hulk did it.
00:12:59.000 So I go down to Bubba's place, and it's so weird because Tampa is a fucking eerie, mystical place anyway.
00:13:08.000 And so they pick me up to go to radio, and we're going down these back roads through swamps and shit, and we pass a Girl Scout camp.
00:13:17.000 And then all of a sudden, there's this long driveway.
00:13:21.000 It's like a picture.
00:13:22.000 You picture the Allman Brothers must be making a new album at the end of this fucking shack.
00:13:27.000 And you go back there, and you go in, and they're like, all right, this is Bubba's place.
00:13:32.000 And there's a midget on a couch in the waiting room, and he had pissed the couch.
00:13:37.000 Like, they got him drunk on the show, so drunk that he pissed himself in the studio, so they put him out on the couch.
00:13:43.000 Oh, my God.
00:13:44.000 And he was angry.
00:13:45.000 Like, he was angry at me, and I'm like, dude, I have no idea your situation.
00:13:49.000 I'm next.
00:13:50.000 Yeah.
00:13:51.000 And so I walk in, and everybody's drinking Pabst Blue Ribbons.
00:13:54.000 This is like 7 o'clock in the morning.
00:13:56.000 Everybody's drinking Pabst Blue Ribbons, and they give me this joint to smoke, which I didn't expect it to be that strong, and I was ripped out of my mind.
00:14:06.000 So I go into the studio, and Bubba has a 12-gauge Israeli handgun, which is a fucking monster.
00:14:17.000 Like a shotgun handgun?
00:14:19.000 Something like that.
00:14:21.000 He pulls it, it's huge.
00:14:22.000 12 gauge is like a shotgun.
00:14:23.000 He said it was a 12 gauge.
00:14:25.000 Maybe I got it wrong.
00:14:27.000 But it's huge.
00:14:29.000 Okay, it's huge.
00:14:30.000 Pulls it out, and he's like, my phone just started Googling.
00:14:34.000 Did you say, hey Siri?
00:14:36.000 Now it's doing.
00:14:36.000 I didn't.
00:14:39.000 So he pulls it out, and he's like, no, no, no, it's cool.
00:14:41.000 And I'm like, well then why did your entire staff just fucking run out of the studio?
00:14:45.000 And I'm the only one in here, and I'm stoned, and it's 7 o'clock in the morning.
00:14:49.000 And so he's waving it around, and then he starts taking calls because he sends this van out.
00:14:57.000 We're good to go.
00:15:12.000 And that goes on.
00:15:14.000 And then a call comes in from a guy who's about to rob a bank in Michigan.
00:15:18.000 I guess the show syndicates to Michigan.
00:15:21.000 And so he's talking this guy out of robbing a bank.
00:15:24.000 The guy was for real.
00:15:25.000 Oh my God.
00:15:26.000 And this all goes on.
00:15:29.000 I mean, this went on for like two and a half hours.
00:15:31.000 And then all of a sudden it just ended and I walked out.
00:15:34.000 I felt like, what's his name, in training day.
00:15:39.000 Ethan Hawke, you know, after he'd just fucking tripped and been led through this gauntlet of...
00:15:45.000 And I go back every time.
00:15:48.000 Fucking love it.
00:15:49.000 Yeah, I did it once.
00:15:51.000 It was fun.
00:15:52.000 Yeah.
00:15:52.000 It was a good dude.
00:15:53.000 The morning radio thing, that can fucking get you.
00:15:58.000 Yeah.
00:15:59.000 I was just thinking, what was that guy who was an athlete that shot his driver?
00:16:06.000 Do you remember that story?
00:16:07.000 No.
00:16:07.000 He was a radio guy?
00:16:08.000 He was a professional athlete and he pulled out a gun.
00:16:11.000 Jason Williams?
00:16:12.000 Is that who it is?
00:16:13.000 Is that his name?
00:16:14.000 I'll double check.
00:16:15.000 Um, but he had like a limo driver, and apparently he pulled out a gun, he was like playing with a gun, and accidentally shot and killed his limo driver.
00:16:24.000 And it was like, whoa.
00:16:26.000 Wow.
00:16:27.000 I'm like, what the fuck?
00:16:28.000 So it was Jason Williams, he was a basketball player.
00:16:31.000 Like, Pulp Fiction.
00:16:33.000 Yeah, I mean, that kind of stuff happens.
00:16:35.000 Imagine if you got shot by Bubba the Lustbunch.
00:16:38.000 Like, that's how it ends?
00:16:40.000 I know.
00:16:40.000 That's how you go to the next stage of life?
00:16:42.000 You got accidentally shot by Bubba.
00:16:44.000 Yeah.
00:16:45.000 Dude.
00:16:47.000 Here it is.
00:16:48.000 Jason Williams.
00:16:49.000 I was a coward for covering up the shooting of the limo driver.
00:16:53.000 I mean, is he free now?
00:16:56.000 He spent 26 months in prison starting in 2010, so yeah, maybe.
00:17:01.000 Battle with alcoholism.
00:17:04.000 Well, here's the thing.
00:17:06.000 Oh, he shot him with a 12-gauge shotgun.
00:17:06.000 Incredible.
00:17:08.000 Yeah.
00:17:09.000 Fuck.
00:17:12.000 But here's the thing.
00:17:13.000 Say you kill a guy by accident with a gun.
00:17:18.000 You then have a choice to cover it up or come forward and say, I did this.
00:17:23.000 Holy shit.
00:17:24.000 Now, existentially, is it so wrong to cover it up?
00:17:29.000 I mean, you're going to feel bad for the rest of your life.
00:17:31.000 You don't really need to be punished.
00:17:34.000 It's not going to change how his family feels about it.
00:17:37.000 Just say somebody else shot him.
00:17:41.000 That's a deep argument.
00:17:42.000 A deep argument about ethics.
00:17:45.000 Because you're gonna, you know, you're gonna face a hailstorm of hate.
00:17:51.000 Right.
00:17:52.000 No one's gonna believe you.
00:17:55.000 If you say it was an accident, people are gonna absolutely assume that you murdered them.
00:18:01.000 You know, they're gonna pursue it that way.
00:18:03.000 But on the other hand, you did fucking kill a guy.
00:18:03.000 Yeah.
00:18:07.000 Alright, what if, here's a more innocuous situation, you're driving down an alley late at night, and a homeless person walks out in front of your car, and you hit him, and he dies.
00:18:20.000 You can either just drive away, wash your car, and know that a homeless guy is no more.
00:18:28.000 Or you can go get the police and say, I was speeding, and I killed a man.
00:18:36.000 It's like that Johnny Cash song.
00:18:38.000 Isn't it fascinating that when you say that story, when you give that scenario, that a homeless person in some way or another makes it less fucked up?
00:18:50.000 No, I just mean in terms of the family blaming you for it.
00:18:53.000 No, I understand.
00:18:54.000 Nobody's going to blame you for this.
00:18:56.000 But even so, it's not as bad a scenario as hitting a nice person who's got their shit together.
00:19:06.000 Well, it's like if you kill somebody and you get sued by the family, depending on it, like if you kill a child and you get sued, you don't have to pay a lot of money.
00:19:15.000 But if you kill a guy who's supporting his family, they'll take everything you got.
00:19:20.000 So that life in the eyes of the law is worth more.
00:19:25.000 How strange is it that we put a monetary value on actual life itself?
00:19:32.000 Mm-hmm.
00:19:34.000 Wow.
00:19:34.000 It's just such a strange, strange concept.
00:19:39.000 Yeah.
00:19:40.000 Did you see that guy accidentally hit that moose with his car?
00:19:43.000 No.
00:19:44.000 Holy shit.
00:19:45.000 Jamie, pull that video up.
00:19:46.000 I tweeted it.
00:19:50.000 This guy's driving down the road, like somewhere, probably near where they kicked you out of that club that one night and made you drive home, even though you're not supposed to drive home at night because of Moose.
00:20:00.000 Yeah, right.
00:20:00.000 They kicked you out.
00:20:01.000 Greg was doing a gig.
00:20:02.000 It was supposed to be a clean gig.
00:20:04.000 He gets up there, he starts swearing.
00:20:05.000 They kicked him off.
00:20:06.000 They kicked him out.
00:20:07.000 They had his bags packed by the time he gets off stage.
00:20:10.000 Yeah, you're supposed to spend the night at the hotel after you do the gig, and they fucking five-hour drive.
00:20:15.000 Look at this.
00:20:15.000 Watch this.
00:20:20.000 Yeah.
00:20:21.000 It's fucking crazy.
00:20:23.000 Damn!
00:20:24.000 Crazy.
00:20:26.000 Why was that guy videotaping?
00:20:26.000 Everybody else had slowed down.
00:20:27.000 All these other people had slowed down because these moose were out and these people had seen the moose and they were kind of checking it out.
00:20:34.000 But look, this guy fucking hits it full on and sends everything flying.
00:20:38.000 That was like an Olympic tumble.
00:20:41.000 You gotta wonder, like, is that moose dead now?
00:20:44.000 I'm surprised the car wasn't trashed more.
00:20:46.000 Do you think that moose is dead?
00:20:48.000 It got up and walked away a little bit.
00:20:49.000 Oh, Jesus.
00:20:49.000 Look at that.
00:20:50.000 That is insane.
00:20:51.000 Something flew off him.
00:20:52.000 He lost a hoof or something.
00:20:54.000 Fuck.
00:20:55.000 You ever hit an animal?
00:20:57.000 No, not like that.
00:20:57.000 No.
00:20:58.000 I've hit squirrels and rabbits.
00:21:00.000 I ran over a raccoon once.
00:21:02.000 A big raccoon.
00:21:03.000 Oh, Jesus.
00:21:03.000 It made a big thumping noise under the car.
00:21:06.000 I was...
00:21:07.000 Grossed out for hours.
00:21:09.000 Just disturbed.
00:21:10.000 Boom!
00:21:11.000 Look at that.
00:21:11.000 That thing goes flying.
00:21:14.000 That's a huge animal.
00:21:16.000 Yeah.
00:21:18.000 They're dangerous.
00:21:19.000 In that sense, yeah.
00:21:21.000 No, I think moose are dangerous in the wild.
00:21:23.000 They can be.
00:21:24.000 They're one of the few deer species that'll go after you.
00:21:27.000 Yeah.
00:21:28.000 Probably the only one.
00:21:29.000 I mean, maybe an elk would go after you, maybe, but it's pretty rare.
00:21:35.000 Like, you have to fuck up to get an elk to attack you.
00:21:38.000 Yeah.
00:21:39.000 But if you're too close to a mama moose, and she's got her babies near her, she'll just fuck you up.
00:21:45.000 There was this kid that got killed, I want to say it was on a campus somewhere in Alaska, and apparently someone had been throwing snowballs at the moose, and they had agitated the moose.
00:21:45.000 Yeah.
00:21:57.000 And this guy just walked in, wrong place, wrong time, and the moose just started stomping the shit out of him.
00:22:03.000 It's really hard to watch.
00:22:06.000 This guy just gets stomped and stomped and stomped by this huge animal.
00:22:11.000 I mean, it's enormous.
00:22:13.000 And she's rearing up and trying to kill him and keeps stomping on him.
00:22:17.000 It's just horrific.
00:22:19.000 He's just bang, bang, bang, just getting pummeled by these...
00:22:22.000 I mean, this thing is a thousand pounds.
00:22:25.000 And it was because they were throwing snowballs at him?
00:22:27.000 Because somebody else apparently had been agitating the moose before this guy got there.
00:22:32.000 Yeah.
00:22:35.000 Don't fuck with wildlife, man.
00:22:37.000 Not that kind.
00:22:38.000 That's a bad one to fuck with.
00:22:40.000 You know, you gotta think in their environment, they're fighting off bears and wolves and shit.
00:22:46.000 They're just constantly, like, kicking at things.
00:22:48.000 Yeah.
00:22:49.000 Yeah.
00:22:50.000 Have you ever been, not attacked, but have you had an animal, like, had you lined up in the crosshairs when you're hunting or anything?
00:22:58.000 Not that I know of.
00:23:00.000 You ever had a bear, like, come at you?
00:23:02.000 I've had a bear, like, encounters with bears.
00:23:04.000 It's weird.
00:23:05.000 You see them, but most of the time they just run away.
00:23:08.000 Like, I saw a grizzly bear once.
00:23:08.000 Yeah.
00:23:11.000 That was a weird one because they have a different way of looking at you as opposed to like a regular bear does like a brown bear is a more aggressive bear in terms of like it's more of a hunter whereas black bears they're kind of hunters but they're more I think they tend to eat more berries and things along those lines but those big ass brown bears they have to be like really aggressive because they're so big like you gotta feed a thousand pound body or whatever the fuck they wear Do they eat meat?
00:23:39.000 Oh yeah What
00:24:11.000 But they just have to eat a lot.
00:24:11.000 do they eat?
00:24:15.000 You usually kill something for the winter to eat, right?
00:24:18.000 Usually an elk.
00:24:20.000 That's what I've been trying to.
00:24:21.000 I did.
00:24:22.000 I got one.
00:24:23.000 Already this year?
00:24:24.000 Oh, you did.
00:24:24.000 Yeah, I got one this year.
00:24:25.000 Okay.
00:24:25.000 Is that the one you were carrying?
00:24:28.000 When?
00:24:29.000 When was that?
00:24:29.000 Didn't you show me a picture of you fucking carrying an animal on your back that you had killed?
00:24:33.000 I think that was a different one.
00:24:35.000 Yeah.
00:24:35.000 You can't carry an elk on your back.
00:24:37.000 It's way too big.
00:24:38.000 Yeah.
00:24:39.000 An elk is like a thousand pounds.
00:24:42.000 So you cut it up out in the wild?
00:24:44.000 Yeah.
00:24:44.000 And then you put it in coolers or something?
00:24:46.000 Yeah.
00:24:46.000 I did it at this ranch, and they have a bunch of guys that work at the ranch that just drag it into a pickup truck, and then you take it to this cold storage area, and in the cold storage area, they break it down.
00:24:59.000 Yeah.
00:25:00.000 But what you do is you just cut the quarters off.
00:25:03.000 You cut the legs off, and you break it down just like a butcher shop does.
00:25:06.000 It's really...
00:25:07.000 Very...
00:25:10.000 It's very weird to see, man, because it becomes meat.
00:25:14.000 It starts off an animal, and then it becomes meat, as opposed to just seeing meat.
00:25:20.000 Once it's down, and you start breaking it down, it's like a sober, sober reminder of what meat actually is.
00:25:33.000 One day they're going to have that...
00:25:37.000 Lab test tube meat that they're working on.
00:25:39.000 You know that stuff they're doing?
00:25:41.000 One day they're going to have that.
00:25:42.000 That's going to be fully available.
00:25:45.000 And there's going to be no more.
00:25:47.000 Last night I was talking to the chef at the Laugh Factory, or the comedy store.
00:25:52.000 You know, the cook back there?
00:25:54.000 The guy that just fucking smiles all the time.
00:25:56.000 If you want some good energy, man, just go back there and talk to that guy for a little while.
00:26:00.000 And I'm like, so what'd you eat for Christmas?
00:26:02.000 What'd you make?
00:26:03.000 And he goes, I think the turkey!
00:26:05.000 I cut it up, I put it in the blender with a little bit of oil, and I fucking chop it up.
00:26:11.000 Put it on sandwiches with some lettuce and some tomato.
00:26:15.000 I give it to my kids.
00:26:17.000 I'm like, you blend fucking turkey meat.
00:26:20.000 Oh yeah, man!
00:26:22.000 Wow.
00:26:24.000 I go, what else do you put in the blender?
00:26:26.000 He goes, just a little bit of oil.
00:26:28.000 Maybe it's good.
00:26:30.000 It sounds like a chicken salad type thing.
00:26:33.000 Right, right.
00:26:33.000 Chicken salad's good.
00:26:34.000 And that would keep, after that, I mean, we have so much goddamn turkey meat in our fridge.
00:26:38.000 We got turkey and ham meat, because we did a couple of different dinners.
00:26:41.000 Do you do the deep fried turkey?
00:26:44.000 No, I hear that's the way to go.
00:26:45.000 Dude, that's the way to go.
00:26:46.000 You have a fryer?
00:26:47.000 Yeah, you can buy them where you stick the turkey, like these prongs stick into it, and then you just sort of lower it into this vat.
00:26:58.000 For like 20 minutes, right?
00:27:00.000 It's like there's a certain time per pound of bird, like however big the bird is, but it's so good, dude, because you cook it in peanut oil, and it's just juicy and delicious and crispy on the outside.
00:27:12.000 It's my all-time favorite way to get a turkey.
00:27:14.000 Yeah.
00:27:15.000 But, man, turkeys, all that factory farm shit, as I get older, is freaking me out more and more.
00:27:23.000 It freaks me out.
00:27:24.000 Like, buying chickens in the store freaks me out.
00:27:26.000 Because of the way you know they were treated?
00:27:28.000 100%.
00:27:29.000 Yeah.
00:27:30.000 Chickens, that's the big one that freaks me out.
00:27:32.000 Because there's something like chickens and pigs.
00:27:35.000 Because there's something that we do with chickens where you can't really do with a cow.
00:27:39.000 We stack them on top of each other.
00:27:41.000 Just smush them all into these places where they can't even fucking move.
00:27:45.000 They're just stuck there.
00:27:47.000 And then they wait until they get to a certain size, and then they kill them.
00:27:51.000 And it's like, whew!
00:27:54.000 It's like they're a human, or not human, a living organism that's a battery.
00:28:01.000 It's like a power supply to people.
00:28:03.000 Yeah, and as they're doing it, they're pumping them full of chemicals that make them get fatter and bigger.
00:28:07.000 Is that true?
00:28:08.000 I know they definitely have used chemicals on the birds, I'm sure.
00:28:12.000 But I don't know if they use them on them all the time.
00:28:15.000 I think the thing that's going on with those birds is genetic selection.
00:28:18.000 Yeah.
00:28:19.000 Where they've just genetically made certain birds breed with certain birds.
00:28:23.000 They've established this gene...
00:28:27.000 This genetic selection where they're just like super fucking plump and like ridiculously big breasts and then they get those to do that in a very short period of time and then they kill them.
00:28:39.000 And they can't walk because their chests are so big they fall over forwards.
00:28:43.000 Yeah.
00:28:43.000 Well, it's like what they did with bulldogs.
00:28:45.000 Like how the fuck did they make a bulldog out of a wolf?
00:28:48.000 How'd they do that?
00:28:48.000 Yeah.
00:28:49.000 That's why they can't fucking breathe.
00:28:51.000 Yeah.
00:28:52.000 Yeah.
00:28:52.000 Yeah, pugs.
00:28:54.000 That used to be a wolf.
00:28:55.000 That's so sad.
00:28:56.000 That was a wolf.
00:28:57.000 Somehow.
00:28:58.000 And they made the face smaller because they wanted it to be cuter.
00:29:01.000 Yeah.
00:29:01.000 A cute dog is having a fucking asthma attack his entire life.
00:29:06.000 Dude, how strange is that?
00:29:10.000 Yeah, but the chickens, and I think the only criteria for the chicken pen is that the chicken has to be able to turn around in it.
00:29:16.000 That's it.
00:29:17.000 That's how big it has to be.
00:29:19.000 That's so crazy.
00:29:20.000 And they're getting shit on by all the chickens above it their whole life.
00:29:25.000 Jesus Christ.
00:29:26.000 Yeah, I know.
00:29:27.000 Is that really how it works?
00:29:28.000 How many do they stack on top of each other?
00:29:31.000 Twelve.
00:29:32.000 No, I don't know, but a lot.
00:29:32.000 For real?
00:29:33.000 Say a hundred.
00:29:34.000 It should have went crazy.
00:29:35.000 A hundred.
00:29:35.000 Oh, Jesus.
00:29:36.000 Imagine a hundred floors of chickens.
00:29:38.000 Ah!
00:29:41.000 Shitting on each other, pecked into this place.
00:29:44.000 But that's like taking an organism and using it as cells in a battery.
00:29:48.000 It really is.
00:29:49.000 It's like you're taking these chickens and you're literally compartmentalizing them into a specific size, like a cell.
00:29:56.000 And the mitochondria of the cell is this chicken.
00:29:59.000 And you've got hundreds and hundreds of them stacked into this place.
00:30:03.000 They're like these living organisms that you've got locked into these clearly defined spaces, and you're extracting energy from those chickens.
00:30:13.000 You're extracting food from them.
00:30:16.000 Yeah, they're just protein bars.
00:30:19.000 Yeah, I mean, it is fucking bizarre.
00:30:21.000 It's a bizarre practice.
00:30:23.000 Wow.
00:30:25.000 Even when they're not in cages, they have them so...
00:30:29.000 Smushed together.
00:30:30.000 They can't even fucking move.
00:30:30.000 Yeah.
00:30:31.000 Yeah, it's not fun.
00:30:33.000 They're not having a good time.
00:30:35.000 But it's not the only way to raise chickens.
00:30:38.000 That's the problem.
00:30:39.000 I had this guy, Joel Salatin, on the podcast a while back.
00:30:41.000 Really, really interesting guy.
00:30:43.000 And he runs...
00:30:45.000 I think his farm's called Polyface Farm.
00:30:51.000 But he's into...
00:30:52.000 He's got...
00:30:54.000 These things that he does with these chickens, where he puts them in these giant chicken houses that are on wheels, and he'll roll them into an area, and then you just let them out.
00:31:03.000 And then they run around.
00:31:04.000 At the end of the day, they go right back in, because that's what they do.
00:31:07.000 They go into their nests again, and then you roll them down a hill to another place.
00:31:10.000 And then he has these pigs.
00:31:11.000 He takes pigs and he puts a fence around the pigs, a movable fence.
00:31:15.000 And the pigs just stay inside that fence and eat whatever the fuck they want.
00:31:18.000 And then the next day they move the fence.
00:31:20.000 And they keep doing it.
00:31:21.000 So he's got these animals like that.
00:31:22.000 Those chickens, they're living like fucking chickens.
00:31:25.000 Yeah, they're enjoying life.
00:31:26.000 They don't freak out when he comes near them.
00:31:29.000 And this guy is like the prime example of what you would think of as like an intelligent...
00:31:37.000 An intelligent take on ethical farming practices.
00:31:42.000 I think when Purdue and a lot of these houses buy from you, you have to use their cages and their feet.
00:31:49.000 It's a franchise like McDonald's.
00:31:51.000 When you raise livestock for a lot of these big aggro, it's specific.
00:32:02.000 They want it done a certain way.
00:32:03.000 And if you don't, they don't buy from you.
00:32:05.000 It's very hard to be independent like that.
00:32:08.000 Oh, that's interesting.
00:32:09.000 So, like, if you're a poultry grower, you, like, if you want to work for Purdue, you, like, grow chickens for them.
00:32:17.000 You don't think they grow their own chickens?
00:32:19.000 Like, how does that work?
00:32:20.000 No, I think you get a contract with them, and they come in and buy your stuff, but it's all got to be done, as I say, Tyson.
00:32:27.000 Contract poultry farming.
00:32:31.000 Read that out there, Gregory.
00:32:32.000 Tyson Foods is one of the leading supporters of American agriculture, paying more than $15 billion annually to independent farmers who supply us with cattle, hogs and chickens.
00:32:42.000 We depend on more than 11,000 independent farmers across the country.
00:32:45.000 This includes more than 4,000 poultry farmers who contact us to raise chickens.
00:32:51.000 No.
00:32:51.000 Wow.
00:32:52.000 That's their website.
00:32:54.000 It's all done with a lot of leverage, and you have to do things exactly the way they want you to.
00:33:00.000 I think it was Food Inc.
00:33:02.000 or something that did a documentary about it.
00:33:05.000 I was watching this documentary today that was on Digg.
00:33:10.000 I found it.
00:33:12.000 It was about this guy who was like this super badass sushi chef in Japan, like the best sushi chef in Tokyo right now, I guess they were saying.
00:33:20.000 And it's really interesting, like watching this guy acquire the fish and how he talks about how he ages the fish.
00:33:26.000 Like, I didn't know that.
00:33:27.000 Did you know that when they catch tuna, they'll often age them for five days?
00:33:31.000 No shit!
00:33:32.000 Yeah, and then they age them a lot of times at the fish market before he takes it, or he takes it back and he'll age it another five days more.
00:33:39.000 Huh.
00:33:40.000 So they might, you know, they might keep shit for like two weeks before you eat it to make it more tender.
00:33:44.000 Wow.
00:33:45.000 He's doing that with tuna.
00:33:47.000 Yeah, I was watching this and I was like, wow.
00:33:49.000 This is, when Jamie and I were talking about it, we were like, What are they going to do when they kill all the fish?
00:33:55.000 Like, how long does it take to grow a fucking tuna that big?
00:33:57.000 This guy has his tuna, right?
00:33:58.000 And they're sawing it with a giant Paul Bunyan saw.
00:34:01.000 I mean, it's a fucking huge tuna.
00:34:03.000 The video is really cool.
00:34:05.000 And the people who made the video were like obvious, like serious sushi dorks.
00:34:09.000 So they're like super amped up to be getting some sushi from this dude.
00:34:14.000 But all I could think of was, how many fish are there?
00:34:17.000 How many days can we do that?
00:34:18.000 Every day, they're just sucking them out of the ocean.
00:34:22.000 Every day.
00:34:24.000 Every day.
00:34:25.000 And there used to be areas where they restricted how much fishing went on, and now it's like, it's a free-for-all.
00:34:32.000 Well, under Donald Trump, we're going to fix all this.
00:34:35.000 Thank God.
00:34:39.000 I've been pulled for Trump since I was a little kid.
00:34:41.000 Just the concept of Trump, I've always been really into.
00:34:45.000 I remember studying the Constitution as a kid and thinking, this is fucking bullshit.
00:34:49.000 We need a guy who's got some balls, who's gonna come in and get around all this fucking liberal bullshit.
00:34:57.000 I'm just kidding.
00:34:58.000 I think of the apocalypse is upon us.
00:35:01.000 I really think it's over.
00:35:03.000 I mean, he hasn't even taken office yet, and he's already alienated China.
00:35:07.000 He thinks he's friends—the best part is he thinks he's friends with Russia.
00:35:11.000 That's like hanging out with a school bully and thinking you're safe until one day you say something the bully doesn't like, and he fucking cracks you in the face, and you realize he's just a broken child.
00:35:23.000 You know way more about this than I do, because I've spent the majority of my adult life ignoring almost everything about how the system works.
00:35:31.000 You win.
00:35:34.000 How much power does he really have?
00:35:37.000 The president?
00:35:38.000 How much power does he really have in terms of decisions to be made for things like any sort of a military action?
00:35:38.000 Yeah.
00:35:47.000 Well, what you've already seen is by taking a phone call from Taiwan, a simple act that he didn't think twice about, that opened up the floodgates to China saying that we are recognizing Taiwan as an independent state, which has been...
00:36:02.000 There's been a one-China policy going back to Nixon, which basically ensured that it clamped down on the Cold War.
00:36:10.000 And it said, we're not going to keep building up against each other.
00:36:14.000 And part of that is, we're going to live by certain doctrines, like the one-China policy.
00:36:20.000 And when he takes a call from Taiwan, something as simple as that, all of a sudden, China's talking about a nuclear buildup.
00:36:26.000 It's that simple.
00:36:27.000 It's not about what laws he enacts.
00:36:30.000 It's about him as a spokesman for our country and what messages he sends out.
00:36:35.000 I mean, it's like Obama did it with Israel.
00:36:37.000 I don't know why, but in his 11th hour, he has soured relations with Israel to the point where, you know, even though he's a lame duck president on his way out, it was a destructive thing he did.
00:36:52.000 I don't know if I disagree with it.
00:36:54.000 What did he do?
00:36:56.000 Well, the UN had a resolution that was saying that Israel has new developments in the West Bank, which are illegal according to previous UN resolutions.
00:37:08.000 And so, I don't know what they're calling it, but it's illegal what they've done.
00:37:13.000 And the U.S. signed on to it.
00:37:16.000 So, they set up these settlements in...
00:37:21.000 Palestinian territory?
00:37:22.000 Is that what it is?
00:37:23.000 Well, the disputed Palestinian territory.
00:37:25.000 And they just decided to start building there?
00:37:27.000 They've been building there for years.
00:37:30.000 And they put up like 600 homes, but they're planning on putting up 5,000.
00:37:35.000 In an area that, you know, there is no peace over there, but what's keeping it from being an all-out war is that area that is supposed to be kept neutral for now, and now they're building on it.
00:37:52.000 Why would someone want to build?
00:37:54.000 Are they running out of land?
00:37:55.000 They can't build other places?
00:37:57.000 No, they don't recognize the Palestinians.
00:38:02.000 And so they see that that's all their land still.
00:38:05.000 And so they won't stop.
00:38:07.000 They will continue building and pushing out.
00:38:10.000 I mean, the tide has turned on Israel, from what I can tell.
00:38:13.000 And I don't follow Israel very closely at all, except for when I hear people yelling about it at parties that I'm at.
00:38:18.000 Because I have friends that are hardcore Zionists, and I have friends that are hardcore anti-Zionists.
00:38:24.000 And they're totally rational people, and they can joke around about talking about fucking your mother and blah, blah, blah.
00:38:30.000 But as soon as Israel comes up, shit gets real.
00:38:34.000 And they talk about, you know, I think the tide has turned.
00:38:39.000 There's a lot more people that are seeing Israel as a terrorist state.
00:38:43.000 Whoa.
00:38:46.000 Wow.
00:38:48.000 They're very aggressive.
00:38:49.000 Netanyahu is just a fucking...
00:38:51.000 He's a bull.
00:38:54.000 What's the right resolution?
00:38:56.000 What's the right resolution?
00:38:57.000 Because how much is in dispute?
00:39:00.000 Like, how much territory?
00:39:01.000 Right.
00:39:02.000 I don't know.
00:39:03.000 This seems like a small place, doesn't it?
00:39:05.000 Seems very small.
00:39:06.000 Isn't Israel the size of Connecticut or some shit like that?
00:39:09.000 How big is it?
00:39:10.000 I don't think it's very big, but it's where it's located.
00:39:13.000 So let's find out.
00:39:15.000 How big is Israel?
00:39:17.000 It's just a hotly charged subject.
00:39:21.000 Yeah, it is.
00:39:22.000 It's one of the most charged subjects in all of any kind of commentary.
00:39:26.000 Because you're talking about the Holocaust survivors, basically.
00:39:30.000 Yeah.
00:39:31.000 And you're talking about people that are right next to each other with opposing ideologies and various There's no reasons for being righteous.
00:39:43.000 Well, and Iran, Iran, looking at Israel as...
00:39:47.000 I said it right, right?
00:39:47.000 I like how you corrected that.
00:39:48.000 Is it Iran?
00:39:49.000 I think it's Iran.
00:39:50.000 Yeah.
00:39:51.000 Saying that they don't have a right to exist and that they're going to throw a nuclear bomb over there.
00:39:56.000 Did you see that...
00:39:58.000 What is the guy from Pakistan?
00:39:59.000 Who was it, Jamie, that got duped by a fake news story?
00:40:03.000 Jamie Masada?
00:40:04.000 No, not that guy.
00:40:07.000 Oh yeah, I did see that.
00:40:09.000 And the guy got duped by a fake news story and said some inflammatory shit about causing a war.
00:40:16.000 And all of a sudden it's like, whoa, you guys got all up in arms about a fake story.
00:40:21.000 Yeah.
00:40:22.000 Like, what in the fuck is going on?
00:40:25.000 What do you think was the first fake news story?
00:40:27.000 Because you go back to, you know...
00:40:30.000 I was thinking about what was an old fake news story was...
00:40:40.000 Fake news stories.
00:40:41.000 I've probably been around for a long time.
00:40:44.000 Well, the Bible was a giant fake news story.
00:40:46.000 How dare you?
00:40:47.000 They did their best.
00:40:50.000 They did their best to remember the stories.
00:40:54.000 I'm trying to find a good map.
00:40:55.000 I think part of the problem, too, is the arguments over the maps.
00:40:58.000 Oh, I see.
00:40:59.000 Right, right, right.
00:41:01.000 This is just one I... Does it say, like, I just want to know, like, I'm too stupid to know what that is, so why don't you, like, ask Google compared to a state.
00:41:14.000 Because I think there's a simple comparison, I just don't remember what it is.
00:41:17.000 It's like Connecticut or something like that.
00:41:20.000 Or maybe Massachusetts.
00:41:25.000 Size, comparison, map, Israel, and USA. Anyway.
00:41:30.000 What were we just talking about?
00:41:31.000 Israel and USA size comparison.
00:41:33.000 Oh, fake news.
00:41:35.000 There you go, New Jersey.
00:41:37.000 Okay, yeah.
00:41:38.000 So it's basically the size of New Jersey.
00:41:40.000 And New Jersey is building a lot of homes.
00:41:43.000 It looks a little bigger than New Jersey.
00:41:46.000 But look at that.
00:41:48.000 It fits in Lake Michigan.
00:41:50.000 You can stick Israel in Lake Michigan.
00:41:52.000 What the fuck?
00:41:53.000 How big is Lake Michigan?
00:41:55.000 Holy shit.
00:41:56.000 Yeah.
00:41:57.000 Isn't that insane?
00:41:58.000 I know.
00:42:00.000 A giant ocean of water.
00:42:02.000 That you could surf on Lake Michigan.
00:42:04.000 What's the one that's near Chicago?
00:42:06.000 That's Lake Michigan.
00:42:06.000 Lake Michigan.
00:42:08.000 I used to date a girl, and when she was a kid, her...
00:42:12.000 You dated her when she was a kid?
00:42:13.000 No, dude.
00:42:14.000 A story she told when she was a kid.
00:42:17.000 How dare you?
00:42:18.000 When she was a kid, she was in a storm on Lake Michigan where they had to turn into the waves over and over and over again all night.
00:42:30.000 They were not safe.
00:42:31.000 They were in danger of being capsized by the waves on a fucking lake.
00:42:36.000 That's amazing.
00:42:37.000 And I think it was her stepdad, I forget who was steering the boat, but...
00:42:41.000 Was just wrecked by the end of the day.
00:42:44.000 Like, his arms were falling off.
00:42:45.000 Like, he barely could use his arms.
00:42:48.000 Because, like, he had to keep turning the boat all night long.
00:42:51.000 They had to strap everyone down to the boat.
00:42:53.000 On a fucking lake.
00:42:55.000 On a lake.
00:42:55.000 Yeah.
00:42:56.000 Not the ocean.
00:42:57.000 Yeah, I don't care where you put a boat in.
00:42:59.000 You got whatever's coming to you.
00:43:01.000 Is that Lake Michigan?
00:43:02.000 Yeah.
00:43:03.000 Look at the waves.
00:43:03.000 Oh, my God.
00:43:05.000 25-foot waves on Lake Michigan, it says.
00:43:07.000 25 foot waves on a lake.
00:43:10.000 That's so crazy.
00:43:12.000 Well, it's all that wind that comes in.
00:43:14.000 It's just an immense puddle.
00:43:18.000 Yeah.
00:43:19.000 That used to be a fucking glacier.
00:43:24.000 Glaciers that are in some places as high as two miles high.
00:43:28.000 And they became all that stuff.
00:43:30.000 It's nuts, man.
00:43:32.000 I have a buddy of mine who lives in Wisconsin in the Driftless area.
00:43:35.000 It's like the area where the glaciers didn't hit.
00:43:38.000 It's really kind of cool, because it's all these hills and crazy, beautiful topography.
00:43:44.000 The rest of the place, like an eraser came along, just flattened that motherfucker out.
00:43:49.000 Just from the weight of the glaciers pushing down on the land.
00:43:52.000 The glacier just pushing forward and crushing everything in its path.
00:43:55.000 Literally like God's eraser.
00:43:57.000 And that's when the wind whips up because there's nothing stopping that wind.
00:44:01.000 I mean, I remember driving through, I think it was North Dakota.
00:44:01.000 Nothing.
00:44:04.000 It was North Dakota.
00:44:05.000 And I was driving from, I think, Iowa or Nebraska into North Dakota.
00:44:12.000 I was doing a college gig, and the gig was that night, and it was like a good four-hour drive.
00:44:17.000 And they told me, look, this is a single-lane road.
00:44:20.000 It's the only way there, and it's flat as shit, and it's windy out.
00:44:24.000 So be careful.
00:44:25.000 So I'm in my rent-a-car, and snow starts as I'm driving.
00:44:31.000 And the snow is just going vertically across the road.
00:44:35.000 And it starts to build up.
00:44:37.000 It starts to build up.
00:44:38.000 There's snow on the road.
00:44:39.000 And all of a sudden, I'm like halfway there, and it's fucking white-out conditions.
00:44:44.000 All I can see is the light, the snow in my headlights ahead of me.
00:44:49.000 And for a long time, I was just looking at the line on the road and following that.
00:44:55.000 Line disappeared.
00:44:56.000 Oh, shit.
00:44:57.000 And I fucking freak out.
00:45:00.000 And so I just pull what I think is to the side of the road.
00:45:04.000 Because I don't know where I'm driving.
00:45:05.000 Right.
00:45:06.000 And I wait, and all of a sudden I see headlights coming from behind me.
00:45:10.000 Fucking 18-wheeler, barreling down, hoping he sees me.
00:45:14.000 He passes me, and I immediately get behind him, and I rode that motherfucker for two hours to get to the school.
00:45:24.000 Shaking.
00:45:25.000 Fucking shaking.
00:45:29.000 And I got to the gig and it was like these kids, it was like fucking Jesus Christ had shown up in their town.
00:45:36.000 They were like, you made it!
00:45:38.000 We have no life!
00:45:40.000 This is our only entertainment all year!
00:45:43.000 And so we did a show and so many people came that they added a second show.
00:45:48.000 But half the kids stayed for the second show.
00:45:51.000 So it was definitely one of those, your material got told that night, Joe Rogan.
00:45:55.000 I guarantee you that.
00:45:56.000 Yours, Don Gavin, Steve Sweeney's, Todd Parker's.
00:46:01.000 I'm fucking ripping every joke out of my ass I can think of on that second show.
00:46:05.000 They paid me double.
00:46:06.000 That's hilarious.
00:46:07.000 And I couldn't get out of there for two days afterwards.
00:46:09.000 Two days?
00:46:09.000 We were snowed in.
00:46:11.000 Oh my god.
00:46:11.000 Yeah.
00:46:14.000 There was so much uncertainty in the winters in Boston.
00:46:17.000 You weren't certain if you were going to get home.
00:46:20.000 Yeah.
00:46:21.000 That's right.
00:46:22.000 I think that's important for people to understand that don't live in a place like that.
00:46:27.000 If you got hit with a big January snowstorm and it hit while you were at work, if you got to work, first of all, there'd be warnings.
00:46:36.000 Everywhere there'd be warnings.
00:46:37.000 They'd cancel school before the first fucking drop of snow fell.
00:46:40.000 Right?
00:46:40.000 That's right.
00:46:41.000 They don't freak out about, like, big blizzards.
00:46:43.000 But if a big one hit, and you fucked up, and you weren't paying attention, you could get stuck wherever the fuck you are.
00:46:50.000 Yeah, highways just stopped.
00:46:51.000 For days.
00:46:52.000 Yep.
00:46:53.000 It takes forever for them to chew all that snow away.
00:46:55.000 And if it stays cold, in Boston, I mean, it will stay cold for a long fucking time.
00:47:01.000 Yeah.
00:47:02.000 Black piles of ice, ice that had just gotten road grime and exhaust on it, but it was too cold for it to melt.
00:47:09.000 So they would just push that shit to the side.
00:47:11.000 It would narrow the fucking highway.
00:47:13.000 Yeah, right.
00:47:14.000 Yeah, they'd get out there with those trucks, throwing the salt and the sand down.
00:47:19.000 I mean, they'd be out there before the snow even started.
00:47:21.000 They were laying down salts.
00:47:22.000 Yeah, that was why if you got an old car, you wanted to get a California car.
00:47:26.000 They didn't use salt on the roads.
00:47:29.000 If you got an old car in Boston, the fucking fenders were all rotted out.
00:47:33.000 Everything rotted out because of all that salt.
00:47:35.000 And they had to constantly re-up the highways.
00:47:38.000 Yeah.
00:47:38.000 Oh, yeah, that's right.
00:47:39.000 It's just chewing through it.
00:47:40.000 Yeah.
00:47:41.000 But isn't that kind of the only way to ensure that shit's going to melt?
00:47:44.000 You kind of have to salt it.
00:47:44.000 Yeah.
00:47:45.000 Yep.
00:47:46.000 Salt it.
00:47:47.000 I think they sand it more than they salt it now.
00:47:49.000 They probably...
00:47:50.000 You know where they get this?
00:47:51.000 They get the salt from, like, on these giant fucking barges from South America.
00:47:56.000 Salt wars, like the old days.
00:47:58.000 Is that right?
00:47:59.000 No.
00:48:00.000 But imagine...
00:48:02.000 They used to go to war for salt.
00:48:03.000 Oh, you mean like way, way back?
00:48:05.000 Salt, it's amazing that we give it away for free because if you really think of what it was worth like five, six hundred years ago, salt was incredibly valuable, right?
00:48:05.000 Yeah.
00:48:15.000 Why?
00:48:16.000 Because food was so bland?
00:48:17.000 No, to preserve food.
00:48:18.000 Oh, yeah.
00:48:19.000 They didn't have refrigeration.
00:48:21.000 Yeah.
00:48:21.000 So, like, their meat, if you cover the outside of it with salt, the bacteria can't eat the meat.
00:48:25.000 Uh-huh.
00:48:26.000 And it slows the decaying process.
00:48:28.000 You could dry things out and salt them, and there's a way to preserve food.
00:48:32.000 Like, an important way to preserve food.
00:48:34.000 I think...
00:48:36.000 I don't know how long you could have a piece of meat and just cover it with salt and leave it laying around at room temperature, but I think it's a lot more than it would if you didn't have the salt.
00:48:46.000 And I think it's one of the reasons why it was one of the most valuable things in the world at one point in time, which is crazy now when you think about it.
00:48:56.000 Yeah, and everything you ate must have been salty as shit.
00:49:00.000 People must have just gotten used to the taste of salt.
00:49:03.000 Do you remember when everybody was thinking that salt causes high blood pressure?
00:49:07.000 And then it doesn't?
00:49:08.000 Remember that one?
00:49:09.000 No.
00:49:10.000 No, it's a mineral.
00:49:11.000 Yeah.
00:49:12.000 I mean, it's like you're not supposed to have too much of it, but that's not what's wrong.
00:49:16.000 Like, what else is going on?
00:49:17.000 And then there was this study that came out recently.
00:49:21.000 A paper that came out recently that was pointing to the sugar industry accepting bribes or giving bribes to scientists in the 1950s and 60s.
00:49:30.000 Did you see that?
00:49:31.000 To push the blame away from sugar and onto saturated fat.
00:49:35.000 The amount of heart disease that it causes.
00:49:38.000 Sugar has become the new salt.
00:49:41.000 It's become the new cholesterol.
00:49:42.000 It's become the new everything.
00:49:43.000 It's everybody's fear.
00:49:46.000 Yeah, it's everybody's fear now.
00:49:52.000 Microbial spoilage.
00:49:53.000 It says that they use sugar and salt the same way to prevent...
00:49:58.000 Oh, sugar too?
00:49:59.000 Interesting.
00:49:59.000 Yeah.
00:50:00.000 Well, it would taste better that way, probably.
00:50:03.000 Okay, so it says protection of foods from microbial spoilage using salt, usually sodium chloride or sugar, usually sucrose, has ancient roots and is often referred to as salting, salt curing, corning or sugar curing.
00:50:18.000 Pieces of rock salt used for curing are sometimes called corns, hence the name corned beef.
00:50:24.000 Ah, I always wondered why they called it corned beef.
00:50:27.000 No shit.
00:50:28.000 Down here it shows what it does.
00:50:32.000 Okay, where is it, Chad?
00:50:32.000 Fascinating!
00:50:35.000 Sorry.
00:50:35.000 Where does it say where it goes?
00:50:36.000 Several ways here.
00:50:37.000 Oh, okay.
00:50:38.000 Several ways in which salt and sugar inhibit microbial growth.
00:50:42.000 Most notable is simple osmosis or dehydration.
00:50:46.000 Salt or sugar, whether in solid or aqueous form, attempts to reach equilibrium with the salt or sugar content of the food product with...
00:50:57.000 This has the effect of drawing available water from within the food to the outside and inserting salt or sugar molecules into the food interior.
00:51:06.000 The result is a reduction of the so-called water activity measure of unbound free water molecules in the food that is necessary for microbial survival and growth.
00:51:19.000 That is fucking fascinating.
00:51:21.000 I never thought about how, because I always think about when I put salt on my food, it seems like, especially with sea salt, where they're so big, the particles, that you don't just get like, that it doesn't spread.
00:51:21.000 That is.
00:51:33.000 But then when you eat the food, like say you put it in your mashed potatoes.
00:51:36.000 Right.
00:51:37.000 It spreads really evenly throughout the mashed potatoes.
00:51:40.000 I don't realize there's all that chemical reactions going on between all the cells in the potatoes and the salt.
00:51:46.000 It's flowing back and forth.
00:51:51.000 I mean, think about how difficult it must have been to get fresh food to a city in 1700. Throwing salt on everything and packing things in salt and taking them down the road on the back of wagons being pulled by horses.
00:52:09.000 With out-of-control mosquitoes and flies on everything.
00:52:14.000 Wow.
00:52:15.000 That was for so long how people lived.
00:52:18.000 For so long.
00:52:20.000 Open wagons.
00:52:21.000 There was no, like, airtight compartments.
00:52:24.000 Yeah.
00:52:25.000 I mean, I bet Kings had some pretty dope compartments.
00:52:28.000 Like in Game of Thrones.
00:52:28.000 Yeah.
00:52:30.000 They were, like, sitting there, like, just chilling.
00:52:32.000 How long is this ride?
00:52:34.000 The horses are pulling their wagon along.
00:52:36.000 They're fanning themselves and shit.
00:52:37.000 That had to happen, too.
00:52:39.000 That was, like, the real pimps.
00:52:39.000 Yeah.
00:52:40.000 Like, if you were a dude, you could pick a chick up and take her to the back of the carriage.
00:52:45.000 She'd be like, oh, my God, you have your own carriage.
00:52:47.000 Yeah.
00:52:48.000 Yeah, baby.
00:52:49.000 Come on, carriage.
00:52:50.000 And you have your own hepatitis.
00:52:52.000 Look at this.
00:52:53.000 Did they have hepatitis back then?
00:52:54.000 When do you think the first VD came into play?
00:52:58.000 Well, syphilis was probably the first one.
00:53:00.000 I mean, you read about it in the Bible.
00:53:02.000 Yeah, syphilis was all over the place.
00:53:02.000 Really?
00:53:04.000 I think, you know...
00:53:06.000 What'd they call it?
00:53:07.000 I think they called it syphilis.
00:53:09.000 Didn't they?
00:53:09.000 Really?
00:53:11.000 The clap?
00:53:13.000 I think syphilis is the clap.
00:53:15.000 Do you think that happens in animals?
00:53:18.000 Do you think animals give each other herpes?
00:53:20.000 I never thought about that.
00:53:21.000 My friend's got a herpes blister.
00:53:25.000 It busts out like every couple months.
00:53:27.000 She just showed me this morning.
00:53:29.000 She's like, come on, give me a kiss.
00:53:30.000 It's the size of a dime.
00:53:32.000 Was it on her lip?
00:53:33.000 I used to get those.
00:53:33.000 Yeah.
00:53:34.000 It's such a shame because she's beautiful.
00:53:36.000 She changed her diet.
00:53:38.000 Koalas have chlamydia, right?
00:53:40.000 Do they?
00:53:40.000 They're known for having chlamydia.
00:53:41.000 Why are you looking at me like, of course you know?
00:53:44.000 I thought you knew.
00:53:44.000 It doesn't count if it's a stuffed animal.
00:53:47.000 He's looking at me.
00:53:48.000 Koalas have chlamydia.
00:53:49.000 You know it, right?
00:53:50.000 They don't all have it, but it's a thing.
00:53:54.000 I thought I heard they spread STDs.
00:53:56.000 Well, it looks like it in this article.
00:53:57.000 It says koala, chlamydia, the STD threatening an Australian icon.
00:54:02.000 Wow.
00:54:03.000 Well, didn't AIDS come from a monkey, or is that a myth?
00:54:07.000 That, man, I wish I could remember exactly how to answer this because I listened to a radio lab podcast called Patient Zero, I think it was, that was all about this.
00:54:17.000 They were trying to figure out who was the first person that contracted the HIV virus.
00:54:21.000 And it did have something to do with someone who was tending to meet that he had killed of a chimpanzee and maybe perhaps had an open cut.
00:54:34.000 Yeah.
00:54:34.000 That was one of the speculations.
00:54:36.000 Which, of course, turned into somebody fucked a monkey.
00:54:39.000 That's just the American translation of facts.
00:54:44.000 It's the fucking natural one with people, huh?
00:54:47.000 Some dude fucked a monkey.
00:54:48.000 How else do you get an STD from a monkey?
00:54:50.000 You gotta fuck it.
00:54:51.000 Did you ever see that Chappelle bit?
00:54:53.000 Oh my gosh.
00:54:53.000 Yeah.
00:54:54.000 Chappelle had one of the funniest bits of all time.
00:54:57.000 He goes, do you know how hard it would be to fuck a monkey?
00:55:01.000 And it's like, once he said it, I was like, I never even thought of that.
00:55:05.000 Imagine the battle that you would have to go through to actually fuck a monkey.
00:55:10.000 Yeah.
00:55:11.000 And you just think it's a given.
00:55:13.000 Like, you know, hey, I'm gonna have some dry days.
00:55:15.000 I'll go fuck a monkey.
00:55:16.000 Not so easy.
00:55:18.000 Yeah.
00:55:19.000 I do a bit in my act that's true about my cat biting me in the hand and me getting pissed at him.
00:55:25.000 I'm like, what the fuck, dude?
00:55:26.000 And he's looking at me and his ears are pulled back.
00:55:31.000 A cat is a fucking powerful little animal, but it's nothing compared to a monkey.
00:55:38.000 Monkeys throw themselves through the air.
00:55:40.000 Little tiny body just swings itself through the air, catches itself, throws itself through the air.
00:55:46.000 They can do ridiculous shit with their bodies.
00:55:49.000 You gotta think, if they get a hold of you, if that thing bites your face, if it gets a hold of your neck, it might look little.
00:55:56.000 You know, especially if it's a chimp, like a little baby chimp we had on the set of news radio.
00:56:02.000 And it was like a two-year-old chimp.
00:56:03.000 And this thing slapped me in my back.
00:56:06.000 Like, dude!
00:56:07.000 It kind of like, you let him climb on you, he kind of does whatever he wants because he's a baby.
00:56:12.000 He wasn't trying to hurt me.
00:56:14.000 But first of all, he felt like he was made out of corded wood.
00:56:19.000 It was like a wooden animal.
00:56:21.000 He might have been like this big.
00:56:23.000 You could kind of pick him up and carry him.
00:56:25.000 But he felt like nothing like a person feels.
00:56:28.000 Like nothing.
00:56:29.000 He was just solid muscle.
00:56:31.000 And he just slapped me on the back.
00:56:33.000 And all I could think of was like, a big one of these?
00:56:37.000 A real full-grown one of these things?
00:56:39.000 And they get aggressive around people.
00:56:41.000 When we were down in, we were in South Africa in Cape Town, and we were taking a walk down to the Cape of Good, Cape of whatever, at the tip, the very tip of South Africa.
00:56:41.000 Yeah.
00:56:52.000 And there's a field that you walk through with a path, and the rangers came up to us, and my son was about, maybe about three years old.
00:57:00.000 And he said to us, yeah, you're going to want to hold him the whole time.
00:57:04.000 And we're like, why?
00:57:05.000 They're like, chimps will take him.
00:57:07.000 They'll just come down and grab them.
00:57:09.000 Yeah, they'll steal your kid and eat it.
00:57:10.000 Yeah.
00:57:11.000 That's real.
00:57:12.000 Can you imagine that?
00:57:13.000 You go on a trip with your kid, you come back with no kid.
00:57:17.000 And you watch your kid get taken off by a chimp.
00:57:21.000 Fuck.
00:57:22.000 Where's your son?
00:57:22.000 Fuck.
00:57:24.000 Baboons, too.
00:57:25.000 They're another animal.
00:57:25.000 They'll do the same thing.
00:57:26.000 Yeah.
00:57:27.000 Oh, wait, you know what?
00:57:27.000 They'll go after babies.
00:57:28.000 I might be thinking of baboons.
00:57:29.000 Oh.
00:57:30.000 That makes more sense.
00:57:31.000 I think it was baboons.
00:57:32.000 It makes more sense, but there have been stories of chimps doing it, too.
00:57:35.000 Yeah.
00:57:36.000 Look, man.
00:57:37.000 Well, who's the woman who got her face bitten off by a chimp?
00:57:39.000 It was a bunch of people.
00:57:40.000 But the one woman who was, most recently, her friend had this pet chimp, and she was giving it Xanax and wine and maybe sucking its dick.
00:57:49.000 Maybe.
00:57:52.000 Why did he need Xanax?
00:57:53.000 If she's sucking his dick, what the hell does he need Xanax for?
00:57:55.000 Could you imagine being so fucking crazy that not only do you have a 200 pound chimp living with you, but you give it Xanax.
00:58:04.000 Do you think she gave it to Xanax so that he'd be more pliable?
00:58:07.000 I think she was just banging this monkey.
00:58:10.000 I think she lived with this monkey and she was banging it.
00:58:12.000 I really think that.
00:58:14.000 I shouldn't say monkey.
00:58:15.000 Whatever.
00:58:15.000 It's a chimp.
00:58:16.000 She was living with this chimp and banging it.
00:58:19.000 And so her friend came over.
00:58:21.000 There was a chimp.
00:58:22.000 The chimp used to dress up in human clothes.
00:58:24.000 He was fucking her.
00:58:25.000 Yep, that was the lady.
00:58:27.000 No way!
00:58:28.000 That was his girlfriend, man.
00:58:30.000 Who do you think initiated the first time?
00:58:32.000 Her.
00:58:33.000 You think so?
00:58:33.000 Yeah, she got a pet chimp.
00:58:35.000 It's a boy.
00:58:35.000 She raised it.
00:58:36.000 It's got a dick.
00:58:37.000 She's like, look, this is my new bodyguard.
00:58:40.000 And she's got this chimp, and she has a couple of glasses of red wine.
00:58:43.000 The chimp wants to fuck her.
00:58:44.000 She's like, who's going to know?
00:58:47.000 She lets that chimp fuck her a couple of times, and then he keeps slinging dick her way, and that's his girlfriend now.
00:58:52.000 And this lady came over, and she interrupted his fun time.
00:58:56.000 She was cock-blocking, and he didn't take too kindly to it, so he did chimp shit to her.
00:59:02.000 Just ripped her apart.
00:59:03.000 Tore her face off.
00:59:03.000 Yeah.
00:59:05.000 They bite your fingers off.
00:59:06.000 He's huge.
00:59:07.000 He was 200 pounds.
00:59:08.000 Shit!
00:59:10.000 Big, overfed, chimpanzee, super ridiculous, ungodly strong.
00:59:16.000 No foreplay.
00:59:18.000 When Bobo wanted to fuck, you got fucked.
00:59:21.000 You get fucked.
00:59:22.000 You get out of the shower naked, Bobo's gonna fuck you.
00:59:27.000 You have your period.
00:59:29.000 Try to keep that chip off you while you're menstruating.
00:59:29.000 Forget it.
00:59:32.000 Look at this.
00:59:32.000 A police officer who responded to the scene of the attack shot and killed Travis when he clawed open the cop's cruiser door and flashed his bloody teeth.
00:59:42.000 Oh my god, dude.
00:59:44.000 He opened the fucking door.
00:59:46.000 The cop was shooting it as it was pulling the door open, flashing its bloody teeth, looking to tear him apart too.
00:59:54.000 Holy fuck.
00:59:56.000 Holy fuck.
00:59:58.000 Imagine if that was you and you didn't have a gun and you weren't a cop, you just pulled up and you saw some chimp tearing apart a lady and you're like, what the fuck?
01:00:06.000 And the chimp just goes running towards you and decides he's going to open up your fucking door now and he's flashing his bloody teeth after he just ate some lady's face.
01:00:16.000 Fuck, man.
01:00:17.000 Where was this?
01:00:18.000 I love this part.
01:00:20.000 Investigators later speculated that a dose of Xanax caused the chimp to go berserk.
01:00:29.000 Oh, look at that face.
01:00:30.000 That's what her face looks like now.
01:00:31.000 Oh my god.
01:00:32.000 This article actually says that her face transplant was being rejected.
01:00:36.000 She's having more surgery.
01:00:36.000 Oh my god.
01:00:38.000 Does that mean like she's going out to meet guys and she's being rejected?
01:00:42.000 No, her body rejects it.
01:00:44.000 Face transplants, any kind of transplants are notoriously tricky apparently.
01:00:48.000 Poor lady.
01:00:50.000 God, poor lady.
01:00:51.000 So wait, where does it say that she was fucking him?
01:00:54.000 That's my part.
01:00:55.000 I added that.
01:00:56.000 Oh, I thought you were serious.
01:00:58.000 I don't know what they're doing.
01:01:02.000 I mean, it's totally plausible.
01:01:04.000 It's completely plausible, but I absolutely made it up for regarded as her son.
01:01:08.000 Okay, maybe she didn't fuck it.
01:01:10.000 Do you think a woman could get pregnant from a monkey?
01:01:15.000 Depends on the woman and depends on the monkey.
01:01:17.000 Yeah.
01:01:18.000 Some super smart monkey and really stupid person?
01:01:20.000 Who knows?
01:01:21.000 Yeah.
01:01:22.000 No, there's some hybrids, right, that wind up being viable.
01:01:27.000 That's how new species get developed sometimes, but most of the time it doesn't.
01:01:30.000 Like a liger, they can't make babies.
01:01:33.000 You can make a baby, a lion and a tiger can breed and make a baby, but that baby can't make babies.
01:01:39.000 So I wonder, man, what was it, if you believe in evolution, of course?
01:01:44.000 What was it in history?
01:01:47.000 Like, what was it like when there was a bunch of different species of humans?
01:01:50.000 Because they think there's a bunch now.
01:01:52.000 They've documented...
01:01:53.000 How many things they've documented now?
01:01:54.000 Because they keep finding new ones.
01:01:56.000 Like, they found some new one in Russia recently.
01:01:58.000 By the way, all the people that...
01:02:01.000 That tweeted at me and sent me messages that I fucked up and said Vasily Lomachenko is Russian.
01:02:08.000 He's actually from the Ukraine.
01:02:09.000 I apologize.
01:02:11.000 I am a retarded American.
01:02:13.000 Anybody who's over there in that spot who talks like that, I go, that Russian dude.
01:02:19.000 Well, didn't Russia take over the Ukraine though?
01:02:19.000 Yeah.
01:02:22.000 Doesn't that give you an out?
01:02:24.000 No, because I had a buddy of mine growing up who was Ukrainian.
01:02:26.000 He always regarded himself as Ukrainian.
01:02:28.000 He never thought of himself as Russian.
01:02:30.000 So I get it.
01:02:31.000 I get it.
01:02:31.000 It's like if we were America, like North America, Canada, and Mexico, we're all just one thing.
01:02:37.000 Oh, you're from that spot.
01:02:38.000 No, no, no.
01:02:39.000 I'm from America, motherfucker.
01:02:40.000 I'm from this spot, bitch.
01:02:42.000 Well, as far as the cavemen go, yeah, they didn't used to think that Neanderthal man and sapiens existed at the same time.
01:02:50.000 Like, when you look at a timeline of...
01:03:05.000 I think it was a lot more than that.
01:03:07.000 I think when they're talking about people living alongside Neanderthal...
01:03:13.000 I think they're talking about like 40 or 50 thousand years ago.
01:03:16.000 Yeah.
01:03:16.000 So there was, like you said, they coexisted and they say that the fights because Neanderthal man was a fucking beast.
01:03:24.000 Totally different kind of person.
01:03:26.000 Totally different.
01:03:26.000 And then Sapien came along and Sapien was much smarter and that's the only way he was the one that survived over Neanderthal.
01:03:35.000 Show me that again.
01:03:36.000 They were able to out hunt and out kill.
01:03:39.000 Or we fucked them all.
01:03:42.000 And then we interbreeded with them.
01:03:44.000 That probably might have happened too.
01:03:45.000 So what does it say, Jamie?
01:03:46.000 It says a guy is trying to make a hybrid between a chimp?
01:03:49.000 This was in 1924. Whoa.
01:03:52.000 Let me guess, Jeremy?
01:03:54.000 A wild group of 13 female chimpanzees to bring back to Primate Research Facility.
01:04:00.000 It's Sakumi.
01:04:01.000 The female chimpanzees were repeatedly injected with human male sperm, but none became pregnant.
01:04:06.000 It was rumored that Ivanov used his own sperm or that of his son, but few people believe it.
01:04:13.000 Son, can we come downstairs for a minute?
01:04:15.000 Well, where else is he going to get cum?
01:04:17.000 He tried to get female volunteers to get injected with male chimpanzee sperm.
01:04:24.000 And how many did it?
01:04:26.000 It rumored that it only happened once, but apparently he got arrested and sent away to work in a veterinary station in Kazakhstan and died two years later.
01:04:35.000 Kazakhstan!
01:04:36.000 Rumored no pregnancy actually happened, but maybe he actually did do it, who knows.
01:04:40.000 The rumor was the pregnancy actually did happen?
01:04:42.000 Did not, did not.
01:04:43.000 Oh, did not happen.
01:04:44.000 But rumor that he did actually inject a woman with sperm.
01:04:48.000 This story, the story of this is like the beginning of like some crazy superhero X-Men type reveal of some new, instead of Wolverine, some man-chimp, some hybrid.
01:05:01.000 Like Wolverine looked like he was kind of a man-chimp hybrid.
01:05:04.000 The real Wolverine, like from the comic books, he was...
01:05:07.000 Hairy-looking, half-human-looking person?
01:05:09.000 Well, the Nazis did all kinds of shit like that.
01:05:13.000 Taking heads off one animal and trying to put them on other animals.
01:05:13.000 Yeah.
01:05:19.000 But how many...
01:05:21.000 Find this out, Jamie.
01:05:22.000 Find out when did human beings and Neanderthals coexist?
01:05:27.000 How long ago was that?
01:05:28.000 Or how about this?
01:05:29.000 How long ago did Neanderthals go extinct?
01:05:33.000 Because that's what would tell us a lot.
01:05:36.000 If you had to guess, what are you going to guess, Greg?
01:05:39.000 I'd say, yeah, 20,000 sounds about right.
01:05:41.000 I'm going to say, oh, I was right.
01:05:42.000 Neanderthals went extinct in Europe about 40,000 years ago, giving them millennia to coexist with modern humans culturally and sexually.
01:05:52.000 New findings suggest.
01:05:54.000 The research also suggests that modern humans did not cause Neanderthals to rapidly go extinct, as some researchers have previously suggested.
01:06:03.000 Oh, I thought they killed them.
01:06:04.000 Yeah, there was a lot of people that did.
01:06:05.000 There was one guy that had a crazy fucking theory that's probably absolutely not true.
01:06:12.000 But his theory was that they didn't look like people.
01:06:15.000 His theory, we don't know what their soft tissue looked like.
01:06:18.000 So he had this idea of a really intelligent ape-like creature.
01:06:23.000 Because he compared...
01:06:25.000 Do you remember that whole guy, his whole thing?
01:06:27.000 He made like an animated...
01:06:30.000 Video of what it would look like, this terrifying, like, gorilla-looking thing that's, like, heavily muscled.
01:06:37.000 Because they were only, like, 5'2", or 5'3".
01:06:40.000 But they were, like, 205 pounds with giant, like, boulder-sized bones in their body.
01:06:40.000 Yeah.
01:06:46.000 They had way different bone structure than we do.
01:06:49.000 And they were supposed to be, like, freakishly strong.
01:06:51.000 But I think they were sort of, like, on all fours and standing upright, but then...
01:06:51.000 Yeah.
01:06:56.000 Really?
01:06:56.000 Sapiens stood upright.
01:06:57.000 Is that true?
01:06:59.000 I know there was a difference in the way they moved, that the Sapiens were faster, but they weren't as strong.
01:06:59.000 I think so.
01:07:04.000 So if they got into any kind of a battle, they were fucking dead.
01:07:08.000 Right.
01:07:09.000 Hmm, that's interesting.
01:07:10.000 I read a book called Sapiens.
01:07:14.000 Yeah, this is what they absolutely think that they looked like, the Neanderthals looked like.
01:07:19.000 But there was a guy who had some crazy alternative theory that was probably horseshit that I want to focus on.
01:07:28.000 Probably totally fake.
01:07:29.000 But it was like, his theory is like, what if Neanderthal didn't look anything like us?
01:07:36.000 What if Neanderthal had gorilla-like skin and was just hulking, scary-looking, fanged-up, jacked, humanoid kind of ape?
01:07:47.000 Yeah.
01:07:48.000 Who knows, man?
01:07:49.000 There's definitely a bunch of different kinds of people, though.
01:07:53.000 They keep finding more and more evidence of finding new teeth and shit.
01:07:57.000 Right, but the evolution was so slow.
01:08:00.000 We think about things...
01:08:01.000 The way evolution happens for us today is technological, so we see shit happen from decade to decade.
01:08:07.000 Oh, yeah.
01:08:07.000 Yeah, there it is.
01:08:09.000 Neanderthal profile was super pretty.
01:08:10.000 So in this video, when you're looking at Neanderthal, he's got black gorilla-looking skin with these big, crazy eyes, and...
01:08:19.000 It's a terrifying looking beast, as opposed to the way we always project him.
01:08:23.000 And he bases it on the shape of their head, and what a gorilla's head looks like.
01:08:29.000 A longer jaw.
01:08:30.000 Yeah.
01:08:31.000 I mean, it's crazy, because we don't know what their soft tissue looks like.
01:08:34.000 But if you give them a gorilla nose instead of a human nose, they look way fucking scarier.
01:08:40.000 And his argument was, like, we have no idea what their nose looks like.
01:08:43.000 Why are we giving them a human nose?
01:08:45.000 I wonder if that flies.
01:08:47.000 I wonder if anthropologists are getting angry right now.
01:08:50.000 They were some vicious motherfuckers, huh?
01:08:52.000 Look at the way that thing looked, if that's what it looked like.
01:08:54.000 Like, what the fuck?
01:08:55.000 Oh no, he looks upright.
01:08:57.000 No, I guess they were partly on all fours and upright.
01:09:00.000 I think they were upright.
01:09:01.000 I think, I'm pretty sure Neanderthals were completely upright.
01:09:04.000 Oh no, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:09:06.000 Because they were a type of human.
01:09:08.000 Yeah.
01:09:09.000 They just weren't hobo sapiens, right?
01:09:11.000 Yeah.
01:09:11.000 So, I'm so stupid to have these conversations.
01:09:14.000 I'm so stupid because I read an entire book about sapiens and this whole transformation, and I just, the problem is I read when I go to sleep, and I don't, I'm so fucking tired, it all goes through me.
01:09:25.000 The next night I can't even find out, I can't even find where I left off on the book.
01:09:29.000 Isn't reading at night like the best way to fucking fall asleep?
01:09:32.000 It makes you go to sleep so much easier.
01:09:34.000 Yeah.
01:09:34.000 Like something about reading, I'm just like, conk.
01:09:37.000 Dude, my wife opens up her book at night, every night, and she does not get to the second page, and she's sitting upright, and I can hear her breathing change, and she's asleep.
01:09:48.000 Wow.
01:09:49.000 I can't.
01:09:50.000 I take a sleeping pill.
01:09:51.000 Do you?
01:09:52.000 Every night.
01:09:53.000 Take a sleeping pill.
01:09:54.000 What are you taking?
01:09:56.000 Lunesta.
01:09:57.000 Any side effects?
01:09:59.000 I think a loss of memory.
01:10:01.000 I think that's what it is.
01:10:03.000 I'm taking the sleeping pill and then I'm reading and nothing sticks.
01:10:07.000 But otherwise I can't sleep.
01:10:09.000 My mother and brother are the same way.
01:10:10.000 We cannot sleep.
01:10:12.000 Our minds fucking race and I lay there for hours and nothing happens.
01:10:19.000 I'd rather be a little groggy in the morning than be exhausted and fucking cranky.
01:10:22.000 Have you tried any kind of meditation or anything to calm your mind before you go to bed?
01:10:26.000 I started meditating, but I only started meditating like two years ago, and I've been taking the sleeping pills for probably like four.
01:10:31.000 So I should try to get off of them.
01:10:33.000 It's stupid.
01:10:34.000 But I think if you get off those things, that's where it gets hairy.
01:10:37.000 Yeah.
01:10:37.000 Really?
01:10:38.000 So if you start going crazy, call me up so I know.
01:10:40.000 I'll know.
01:10:42.000 Joe, how many of you have to fill?
01:10:43.000 Just say, hey, I tried going off these fucking sleeping pills.
01:10:47.000 I'm like, okay, gotcha.
01:10:49.000 Know where you're at.
01:10:49.000 Feel ya.
01:10:50.000 Need you to do my 10-20 spot at the laugh factory tonight.
01:10:54.000 Dude, when you get off those things, like, sleeping pills, they have a real...
01:10:59.000 Bizarre reaction some people have to them.
01:11:01.000 Where they'll do things and wake up in the middle of doing them.
01:11:04.000 Like driving down the highway in a shootout with the cops, that kind of shit.
01:11:07.000 You wake up in the middle of an act going, what the fuck am I doing?
01:11:11.000 You're saying while you're on sleeping pills.
01:11:13.000 Yeah, while you're on certain sleeping pills.
01:11:14.000 Yeah, Ambien is crazy.
01:11:16.000 I ran out and I took a friend's Ambien recently and I had the most insane dreams.
01:11:21.000 Oh, I've heard.
01:11:22.000 I'm terrified of that stuff.
01:11:24.000 I know a lot of people who love that stuff.
01:11:27.000 I don't know why Ambien is prescribed.
01:11:28.000 It's the same thing with opioids.
01:11:30.000 It's like, why are they still prescribing this shit when it's so addictive and so dangerous?
01:11:34.000 Because people want to be able to make their own choices.
01:11:37.000 And if you could go to a doctor, if you're informed correctly, and you go to a doctor and you go, look, I don't give a fuck what they say.
01:11:44.000 I want a fucking Ambien.
01:11:46.000 I know it's not good for you.
01:11:48.000 I know it's bad for my sleep.
01:11:50.000 I don't give a fuck.
01:11:51.000 I need to go to sleep.
01:11:55.000 I feel you should be able to make that decision.
01:11:58.000 How come you can make that decision and drink a fucking bottle of Ron White's tequila in a night if you so choose to?
01:12:05.000 Why can't you decide to take an Ambien?
01:12:06.000 It's true.
01:12:07.000 Is it really worse than getting hammered?
01:12:09.000 And everybody gets hammered.
01:12:11.000 There's a lot of people getting hammered.
01:12:13.000 Well, it just seems like with all the options, like I know with Lunesta, I don't have these side effects.
01:12:18.000 Oh, really?
01:12:19.000 Yeah, I mean, there's no side effects with Lunesta.
01:12:23.000 I'm not a paid spokesman for Lunesta, by the way, but I just found that I did take Ambien and it was crazy.
01:12:29.000 It was like tripping.
01:12:30.000 So Lunesta does it for you?
01:12:32.000 Lunesta works.
01:12:33.000 Joe, Lunesta works for me.
01:12:36.000 Have you ever done anything like melatonin?
01:12:39.000 Yes.
01:12:40.000 Have you tried like a melatonin spray?
01:12:42.000 It's good.
01:12:42.000 Yeah, melatonin works.
01:12:43.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:12:43.000 Does it?
01:12:44.000 Why don't you just try that then since it's a natural alternative?
01:12:46.000 Because I'm Irish and we like to get addicted to things.
01:12:48.000 Ha!
01:12:49.000 You know, I quit the booze, so now I'm drinking.
01:12:51.000 What is this shit you gave me?
01:12:53.000 Caveman Coffee Nitro.
01:12:54.000 It's got a nice little kick.
01:12:54.000 It's good, man.
01:12:55.000 It's got a hell of a kick.
01:12:57.000 It's got a hell of a kick.
01:12:57.000 Mmm.
01:12:59.000 It's a weird taste to it.
01:13:00.000 It's kind of manly because it doesn't taste that good.
01:13:00.000 How sweet it is.
01:13:03.000 Right.
01:13:03.000 Right?
01:13:04.000 Well, it's like black coffee.
01:13:05.000 Yeah, exactly.
01:13:07.000 When I say it doesn't taste that good, it doesn't taste like a caramel macchiato.
01:13:12.000 That tastes good.
01:13:15.000 With every slurp, you're like, this is delicious, but it's full of sugar.
01:13:18.000 This tastes like, we were calling it like a Guinness, like the Guinness of coffee.
01:13:22.000 It's got this weird sort of acquired taste.
01:13:25.000 It's got a little fizziness to it, which is nice.
01:13:30.000 I don't know why.
01:13:30.000 Nitrogenated.
01:13:31.000 I don't know if it works more.
01:13:32.000 Gets you more fucked up.
01:13:33.000 I don't know.
01:13:34.000 But it's got 270 milligrams of caffeine.
01:13:37.000 Yeah, I'm a caffeine freak.
01:13:39.000 I drink a lot of caffeine.
01:13:41.000 Yeah, but that one's manageable.
01:13:43.000 Caffeine never really derails your judgment.
01:13:46.000 It's a manageable addiction.
01:13:47.000 If you've got a legit addiction, caffeine's not a bad one.
01:13:51.000 That's one you can skate by with that one.
01:13:55.000 Cigarettes is going to get you.
01:13:57.000 That's the one that's going to get you.
01:13:58.000 Cigarette's probably the worst thing you can be addicted to.
01:14:01.000 Then heroin.
01:14:02.000 It seems like pills might be worse than cigarettes.
01:14:05.000 Because you can make rational decisions when you're on cigarettes.
01:14:07.000 The problem is, though, the health consequences of cigarettes are almost inescapable.
01:14:12.000 Well, you've just made an irrational decision if you're lighting a cigarette.
01:14:16.000 Yeah.
01:14:17.000 So it's got you in a point of addiction where you are literally killing yourself slowly.
01:14:22.000 It's kind of amazing that it's still around.
01:14:24.000 It's amazing, really.
01:14:25.000 But again...
01:14:26.000 I'm 100% in favor of people doing whatever the fuck they want to do.
01:14:29.000 If you are informed and you go, I don't give a shit, I want a fucking cigarette, you should be able to do it.
01:14:34.000 So by that hand, if you could do that with booze, if you could do that with...
01:14:39.000 I think freedom is best.
01:14:42.000 It's best to have people figure it out on their own.
01:14:45.000 It's best to decide for people what they can and can't do.
01:14:49.000 That's never good.
01:14:50.000 I think it's the same with raising a kid.
01:14:52.000 I try to give my kids a lot of freedom.
01:14:55.000 I inform them.
01:14:56.000 I rein them in.
01:14:57.000 I try to shepherd them.
01:14:59.000 But I don't ride them.
01:15:01.000 And when they make mistakes, I don't overly punish.
01:15:05.000 I tell them I'm disappointed, and that means a lot to them.
01:15:09.000 But I think that...
01:15:11.000 Your kids need to internalize responsibility.
01:15:15.000 And the earlier they do it, the better.
01:15:17.000 Because the process of internalizing responsibility should start in whatever ways you can parcel it out from a young age.
01:15:25.000 That's how you've got to do it.
01:15:26.000 Because by the time they move out, it's like you're not going to be there to make these decisions for them.
01:15:36.000 Yeah, the task of raising a human is probably one of the most important things, one of the most impossible to correct once you've fucked it up, and it's put in the hands of everybody who is most likely raised incorrectly themselves.
01:15:54.000 Well, the hope is there's more therapy than there was today.
01:15:57.000 There's more studies.
01:15:57.000 There's more literature.
01:15:58.000 And I do think we're more informed about what we do.
01:16:01.000 I think we're more vigilant about it.
01:16:03.000 I think men, the fact that I just said that to another man, that wouldn't have happened 25 years ago.
01:16:09.000 No guy would talk about parenting in any deep way to another man.
01:16:13.000 No, it was kind of almost gay.
01:16:15.000 Well, yeah.
01:16:18.000 It was.
01:16:18.000 It was not your role to do that.
01:16:21.000 And now, parents, it's a partnership, the mother and the father.
01:16:24.000 Because the worst thing, and I know a couple that's like this, where they're never on the same page, and their kids are all fucked up, and neither one of them is a bad parent.
01:16:33.000 They're just doing it in opposite ways.
01:16:35.000 What's the ways?
01:16:36.000 What's the...
01:16:37.000 He's very, like, you know, checked out in some ways, but, like, in the way...
01:16:44.000 The healthy way I describe hands-off...
01:16:47.000 He's still caring and controlling and supporting.
01:16:50.000 His is a little bit more like, I can't handle this.
01:16:54.000 Hers is, she's super A-type personality, and she's trying to drive the kids to be their best potential, which is good.
01:17:02.000 A little bit of that is good, and a little bit of what he's doing is good, but they're both polar opposites and not really handling their strategies well either.
01:17:12.000 But I really think that the main thing is that your kids can't feel like they're getting two different messages at the same time from mommy and daddy.
01:17:19.000 It can't feel like they're being smothered either, right?
01:17:22.000 One of the things about kids that you find out real early is if you tell them not to do something, that's what they want to do.
01:17:29.000 They don't want you telling them what to do because they're little people.
01:17:32.000 And even though they might be five or six, they're still little people.
01:17:51.000 Mm-hmm.
01:17:54.000 This is just a thing that I have to do right now, and I'm so lucky in so many ways, and that's how I should look at life.
01:18:00.000 And don't just get annoyed at things.
01:18:04.000 I don't want to go to bed.
01:18:06.000 You've got to go to bed.
01:18:07.000 Listen, you've got to get sleep.
01:18:08.000 I know you don't want to go to bed.
01:18:10.000 I feel the same way all the time.
01:18:10.000 I get it.
01:18:12.000 But as a person who's in charge of your biology, I know that you're not quite wise enough to make these decisions.
01:18:17.000 You want to be healthy.
01:18:19.000 Your little kids need to get like 10 to 12 hours sleep.
01:18:22.000 And you got to tell them, give them the association that they're making choices and that their choices have ramifications.
01:18:29.000 You're going to wake up to, you know how sometimes it's hard for me to wake you up and it hurts in the morning?
01:18:33.000 Well, they won't be that way if you go to sleep now.
01:18:35.000 You'll wake up and you'll feel good.
01:18:37.000 Yeah.
01:18:39.000 That's, man, that is the fucking biggest difference.
01:18:42.000 When I had day jobs, and, you know, a lot of times I was, like, for years I had sleep deprivation.
01:18:50.000 Because I was getting up in the morning for delivering newspapers.
01:18:53.000 And I was trying to go back to sleep, but I always stayed up at night because I was doing stand-up.
01:18:56.000 And, like, for the longest time, like, I was, like, really screwed up.
01:19:00.000 And then once I quit doing that, once I just started doing just stand-up, and I started getting sleep.
01:19:06.000 I'd go to bed after the clubs, and I would get up at 11. I would wake up, and I felt so good.
01:19:13.000 I was like, oh my god, everything feels great.
01:19:16.000 I don't feel like I'm constantly at a lack.
01:19:19.000 That feeling that you have when you're tired all the time, when you work Too many hours, you don't get enough sleep.
01:19:24.000 It's that fucking feeling like you're always at a lack.
01:19:27.000 There's always like a hole in your biological game, as it were.
01:19:33.000 You're just trying to be left alone.
01:19:35.000 Yeah, just ugh.
01:19:37.000 But if you can get that solid eight to ten hour sleep, That goes away.
01:19:37.000 You just don't.
01:19:43.000 Yeah.
01:19:43.000 Especially if you can get 10. But if you can only get 8, it's worth so much.
01:19:48.000 Oh, yeah.
01:19:49.000 It's so fucking valuable.
01:19:50.000 And then you throw a 20-minute meditation on top of that the next day, around 2.30 in the afternoon when you're crashing out after lunch.
01:19:56.000 If you can do that, that's a good move.
01:19:59.000 Yeah.
01:19:59.000 If you can just sit down.
01:20:00.000 I mean, the meditation, just the word meditation is so loaded, you know, because it has the...
01:20:08.000 There's a sort of like a...
01:20:10.000 A lot of us, I think, have this idea about people who meditate as like, oh, you know, he's just trying to find some spiritual peace and this is like some masturbatory weirdness and you stand in front of some fucking incense and pretend you're from a different culture.
01:20:24.000 But I think that just being alone with your thoughts...
01:20:29.000 And just your thoughts.
01:20:31.000 And just concentrating on just thinking about as little as possible.
01:20:34.000 Just thinking maybe even just about breathing.
01:20:36.000 About breathing in and breathing out.
01:20:38.000 Just that alone is a form of meditation.
01:20:42.000 I mean, it's a guided sleep.
01:20:42.000 Yeah.
01:20:45.000 Think of it as taking a nap.
01:20:46.000 You know, Eckhart Tolle talks about, you know, with meditation, it's just really, it's reminding you to not think about the past or the future for a little while.
01:20:54.000 It's about just thinking about the breathing that's happening right now or the mantra that's happening right now.
01:21:00.000 And when you come out of it, you're not going to stay in that state all day, but you will have brought yourself back to that point, if only for 20 minutes.
01:21:08.000 And that will sort of, that will guide you for the rest of the day.
01:21:12.000 Yeah, I think the momentum of most people's lives is so strong, mine included, I'm sure yours included, that oftentimes you just get caught up in how you're thinking or how you're behaving or what you're doing.
01:21:28.000 You just get caught up in it.
01:21:29.000 It's just like, wow, it's like pushing you from behind.
01:21:32.000 And if you can just stop as often as possible and do nothing for an hour and breathe, just do nothing but think and breathe, you come out of it with a more balanced perspective.
01:21:45.000 You make better decisions.
01:21:46.000 You're not reacting to things.
01:21:48.000 You're not being pushed from behind by the momentum of everything you've experienced over the last, you know, X amount of months.
01:21:48.000 Exactly.
01:21:55.000 You get a fresh restart to contemplate your existence.
01:21:59.000 Well, you know, we can't do anything about the past, but here's where we are right now.
01:22:03.000 And this is what we, okay, now I've decided that, you know, instead of concentrating on that, I'm going to concentrate on this.
01:22:08.000 And give yourself, like, a chance to almost give yourself a little personal seminar.
01:22:14.000 Give yourself a little prayer.
01:22:15.000 Are you happy about this?
01:22:17.000 If you were giving yourself advice, it would probably be way different than what you actually do.
01:22:23.000 I've always thought that.
01:22:25.000 If I was giving myself advice, how brutal would I be with myself?
01:22:29.000 How honest would I be with myself?
01:22:30.000 Well, that's why you're supposed to set goals, because goals are you sitting down in a cold, calculating way and saying, where do I want to be in a year?
01:22:38.000 What are the steps that I need to get to that?
01:22:40.000 And then setting small goals to get you there, because day to day, you're reacting to people are codependent with their wives or their kids, and so they're reacting to that.
01:22:48.000 You're wondering if your phone's going to ring.
01:22:50.000 You're wondering what people are saying on social media.
01:22:52.000 There's so many dynamics that have you spinning around and not in your own space, so that I love the beginning of the year.
01:23:01.000 I love sitting down and setting up some new goals.
01:23:03.000 I mean, you and I just talked a couple nights ago about that.
01:23:06.000 Your goal is to sort of try to get off social media more, not answer your phone all day.
01:23:12.000 Yeah, stay off my phone for many, many hours at a time.
01:23:15.000 That's the big one.
01:23:16.000 And I'm just thinking about the amount of time that I spend just looking for something interesting.
01:23:21.000 Looking on Twitter feed, looking on Facebook or on Instagram, just looking for something interesting.
01:23:27.000 They're just flittering through fucking pictures of shit.
01:23:29.000 Oh, look, another car.
01:23:31.000 That's crazy.
01:23:31.000 Oh, look at that lion.
01:23:33.000 After a while, look at that chimpanzee attacking a car.
01:23:37.000 Well, that video that I showed you today, that's how I found it.
01:23:40.000 The fucking lady that hit that, or the guy that hit that moose.
01:23:43.000 I don't know if it was a guy or a girl, whoever fucking hit that moose.
01:23:45.000 But I'm inundated by that, and people keep sending me these fucking videos of these Russian crazy Like, acrobats doing flips on the top of buildings.
01:23:56.000 You've seen those guys?
01:23:57.000 Those daredevils?
01:23:57.000 Yeah.
01:23:58.000 These Russian daredevil characters, they go on the top of buildings and do like handstands and lean their feet off the edge.
01:24:04.000 You can't watch it, man.
01:24:05.000 It's too hard to watch.
01:24:07.000 It's too fucking scary.
01:24:09.000 I mean, it's fucking terrifying.
01:24:10.000 And some of them get up on top of them with those hoverboards, those little wheelie boards, and they go like to the edge on the hoverboard and back.
01:24:17.000 Yeah, why watch that?
01:24:17.000 That makes me uncomfortable, you just describing it.
01:24:20.000 And they spin around on the edge of the skyscraper.
01:24:24.000 Look at this.
01:24:26.000 This is in Russia?
01:24:27.000 I don't know where this one is, but they do these all over the place.
01:24:30.000 I think this is Dubai.
01:24:32.000 This guy is on the fucking edge of a crazy skyscraper.
01:24:38.000 Like, what is that, a hundred stories high?
01:24:40.000 Holy shit.
01:24:41.000 And he's doing a handstand.
01:24:43.000 Oh!
01:24:44.000 And he came down backwards.
01:24:47.000 Oh, shit.
01:24:48.000 Oh my god, that was terrifying.
01:24:50.000 I just hurt my elbow.
01:24:51.000 What do you do after that?
01:24:53.000 I just hurt my elbow reacting to that.
01:24:56.000 I whacked my phone.
01:24:59.000 That's hilarious.
01:25:00.000 Oh, fuck.
01:25:01.000 Look at this guy.
01:25:02.000 He's got a helmet on.
01:25:04.000 And his underwear.
01:25:06.000 And he's walking on a bar.
01:25:09.000 Oh my god, that is so crazy.
01:25:11.000 These kids are fucking nuts, man.
01:25:14.000 Yeah.
01:25:15.000 Oh, Jesus Christ!
01:25:17.000 This guy's doing a balance beam over a, it looks like a harbor.
01:25:22.000 I don't know how far down it is, but he's way the fuck up on some crane.
01:25:27.000 He's in an oil rig, it looks like.
01:25:28.000 Oh my god.
01:25:35.000 I used to do crazy shit.
01:25:38.000 My friend lives on the fifth floor of an apartment building and there's a picture of me when I was about 14 hanging off his balcony by my knees.
01:25:47.000 Oh my god.
01:25:47.000 Well, I was into gymnastics.
01:25:49.000 I did gymnastics pretty hard for like six years.
01:25:51.000 So I would hang off anything.
01:25:53.000 I would do flips off fucking anything anywhere.
01:25:56.000 Really?
01:25:57.000 Yeah.
01:25:58.000 Dude, I got sweaty hands just looking at that.
01:26:00.000 I do too.
01:26:01.000 Oh, don't show me this!
01:26:01.000 I really did get sweaty hands.
01:26:03.000 Jamie!
01:26:05.000 Goddammit!
01:26:06.000 That guy jumped off the roof into a pool.
01:26:09.000 I mean, how many stories is that?
01:26:11.000 Six stories?
01:26:13.000 Six to eight.
01:26:14.000 Shut this off.
01:26:14.000 I can't do this anymore.
01:26:16.000 My hands are fucking sweaty, man.
01:26:18.000 They're like soaking wet.
01:26:19.000 Feel them.
01:26:19.000 Feel them.
01:26:21.000 Jesus.
01:26:21.000 Mine are wet too.
01:26:23.000 Soaking wet.
01:26:25.000 Hey, can I plug some dates?
01:26:27.000 Fuck yeah, you can!
01:26:28.000 Come on, everybody!
01:26:29.000 I got my big winter comedy tour coming up.
01:26:32.000 I'm coming to your town, Tacoma, Washington, February 9th through the 11th.
01:26:36.000 Website first, so everybody knows where to get all the...
01:26:38.000 Fitsdog.com for tickets.
01:26:40.000 Portland, Oregon, February 16th through 18th.
01:26:43.000 Oklahoma City, one night, February 21st.
01:26:46.000 Austin, Texas, February 22nd through 25th.
01:26:50.000 Fort Lauderdale in March.
01:26:51.000 Burlington, Vermont in March.
01:26:53.000 Houston in March.
01:26:55.000 Check it all out at Greg Fitz Show and Fitz Dog.
01:27:01.000 Radio.
01:27:03.000 That Irvine Improv, the new Irvine Improv is fucking awesome.
01:27:03.000 That's it.
01:27:06.000 Have you done it?
01:27:07.000 Huge, right?
01:27:08.000 Giant.
01:27:08.000 I did it once and I just remember I didn't fill it, I'll tell you that.
01:27:13.000 By no means did I fill it.
01:27:15.000 It's a very big place.
01:27:16.000 Yeah, but I've got two St. Patrick's Day shows, which you've done, I think the last three years you've done my St. Patrick's Day show at the Hollywood Improv.
01:27:26.000 I have to support the one quarter Irish that I am.
01:27:28.000 That's right.
01:27:29.000 Get in there for that.
01:27:30.000 That's always a fun show though, isn't it?
01:27:31.000 Fuck yeah.
01:27:32.000 We pack it out.
01:27:33.000 We get all Irish comics on it.
01:27:35.000 Yeah.
01:27:35.000 Throw a black guy in there just to keep the fucking PC police off my back.
01:27:40.000 Get Ian Edwards on there.
01:27:43.000 Yeah, that's a fun show, man.
01:27:45.000 Yeah, it's good.
01:27:46.000 Joey Diaz, I did it one year and it was all the cool comics and then Joey Diaz.
01:27:52.000 It was like Zach Galifianakis and Sarah Silverman and Andy Kindler.
01:27:57.000 And they went up and they didn't know who Joey Diaz was.
01:28:00.000 And I had him go on like second just to raise the bar on everybody else.
01:28:06.000 And he went up there and he's doing this whole bit about...
01:28:11.000 Having some chick piss in his mouth in a bathtub.
01:28:15.000 And I'm drinking it like a soldier!
01:28:19.000 And the place, they don't know what to make of them at first.
01:28:22.000 It takes them like a good two minutes for them to just pick their jaws up off the table, put the jaw back in their head, and then start to laugh.
01:28:31.000 And then you just saw them convulsed, destroyed.
01:28:35.000 And in the back, Sarah and all of them, they're going like, who is this guy?
01:28:39.000 What is this?
01:28:41.000 I go, this is fucking Joey Diaz.
01:28:43.000 They didn't know?
01:28:45.000 They didn't know him.
01:28:46.000 How long ago was this?
01:28:48.000 Two years ago.
01:28:49.000 Wow.
01:28:50.000 How did they not know who Joey Diaz is?
01:28:53.000 Because he doesn't work.
01:28:54.000 I don't think he works the improv, does he?
01:28:55.000 Yeah, but every comic knows.
01:28:57.000 Like, you hear about, like, a guy.
01:28:59.000 Like, you always hear about...
01:29:00.000 Like, I heard about Big Jay Oakerson before I saw him.
01:29:02.000 People were like, you gotta see this guy.
01:29:03.000 He's very funny.
01:29:04.000 I think maybe there's, you know, a splintered comedy world.
01:29:08.000 Like, Zach doesn't do a ton of stand-up.
01:29:09.000 And I think, you know, Sarah...
01:29:11.000 Sarah works the comedy store sometimes, right?
01:29:13.000 Yeah, sometimes.
01:29:14.000 I've seen her there a few times.
01:29:15.000 Not as often as she should.
01:29:17.000 What are you, judging?
01:29:19.000 Well, she needs that, you know?
01:29:21.000 I think some comics, they work Largo a lot, and I think you can draw your own crowd.
01:29:28.000 But she's like a real comic.
01:29:30.000 She can play in a room like the store where they didn't all come to see her, and she can fucking prove something to people that maybe don't know what a good comic she is.
01:29:39.000 Yeah, well, I would agree with you that I think she's one of the best comics alive, for sure.
01:29:43.000 She killed at the fucking comedy store last time I saw her, which was, I want to say it was quite a while ago.
01:29:49.000 It might have been a year ago, as a matter of fact.
01:29:52.000 Sometime between now and a year.
01:29:53.000 But anyway, she destroyed, and I was laughing really hard.
01:29:57.000 There was some funny shit in there.
01:29:59.000 But, on the other hand...
01:30:01.000 She's obviously got money, and she's obviously comfortable, so she should do whatever the fuck she wants.
01:30:06.000 That's true.
01:30:06.000 Right.
01:30:07.000 I mean, there's guys like Paul F. Tompkins.
01:30:10.000 That dude, I haven't seen him in a comedy club in 10 years, but he does his show at Largo, I don't know how often, and he'll go to San Francisco and fucking sell out cobs.
01:30:21.000 The guy's got his circuit, he's got his crowd, I think he makes a very nice living.
01:30:26.000 And I think he does the style of comedy he does, which is a little bit more storytelling.
01:30:31.000 It's a little slower, a little more esoteric.
01:30:34.000 It may not work in the other kinds of clubs.
01:30:36.000 So yeah, maybe it fosters his ability to go deeper into what he's doing by playing select clubs.
01:30:42.000 Yeah, I mean, I guess it's all in whether or not what you enjoy doing, whether it fits in with clubs.
01:30:48.000 Yeah.
01:30:49.000 Because some people, it just doesn't.
01:30:50.000 Some people, they don't enjoy just always being, you know, always going for the laugh, always, you know, like our style, Boston style.
01:30:59.000 Like Boston style is like punchline, set up punchline, set up punchline, and to try to build punchlines.
01:31:04.000 Some people have like...
01:31:06.000 They want to tell you a story that happens to be humorous.
01:31:09.000 They don't want to be confined by this idea that it has to be set up, punchline, set up, punchline.
01:31:13.000 So it is sort of stand-up in a lot of ways, but in a lot of ways it's not.
01:31:18.000 It's like you're being an orator, a narrator.
01:31:22.000 You're telling stories, which is cool too.
01:31:26.000 There's a lot of people who, like Henry Rollins is a great example.
01:31:30.000 You wouldn't say that necessarily what he does is stand-up.
01:31:33.000 You would say it's a spoken word thing, right?
01:31:36.000 But what is he doing?
01:31:36.000 He's telling stories.
01:31:38.000 I mean, they have punchlines.
01:31:41.000 They have very clear set-up and punchlines in them.
01:31:43.000 It's obviously he knows where the funny parts are, so he's kind of doing stand-up, but he's doing it his fucking way.
01:31:51.000 A lot of people really like that, is what my point is.
01:31:54.000 And they don't want to go see him try to do a 15-minute set at the store.
01:31:59.000 It can change.
01:32:00.000 I find that if I go through a run of clubs that are bad, like, say, Florida...
01:32:08.000 It changes the way I'm doing stand-up, because in Florida, it's just a schizoid crowd.
01:32:14.000 You've got rednecks mixed in with old people, mixed in with Latinos, mixed in with fucking Spring Breakers or whatever.
01:32:21.000 It's never one crowd.
01:32:23.000 You have no fucking idea who you're playing to.
01:32:25.000 So you're up there for an hour and you're just...
01:32:27.000 It's a drunken knife fight in the alley.
01:32:29.000 You're just trying to fucking keep...
01:32:31.000 You're spinning plates.
01:32:32.000 You're trying to keep this guy happy.
01:32:34.000 This guy's heckling.
01:32:35.000 They're not paying attention.
01:32:36.000 And I find that, like, it makes my act worse because I'm not getting in the pocket and doing what I want to do.
01:32:43.000 I'm pleasing because I'm trying to survive.
01:32:46.000 Right, right, right.
01:32:47.000 And then you go to a club like fucking Austin.
01:32:50.000 Cap City in Austin, Texas.
01:32:52.000 And holy shit, man, you just kick back and they come to you.
01:32:57.000 Yeah.
01:32:57.000 I just did Madison, Wisconsin.
01:32:59.000 They came to me.
01:33:01.000 Oh.
01:33:02.000 Madison's a really cool town.
01:33:04.000 Yeah, it is.
01:33:04.000 Really interesting.
01:33:06.000 Like, super open-minded, liberal, Wisconsin town.
01:33:06.000 Yeah.
01:33:11.000 Yeah.
01:33:11.000 With a great theater.
01:33:13.000 There's a theater there, too.
01:33:14.000 What the hell's that theater there?
01:33:15.000 Is it Acme Theater?
01:33:16.000 No.
01:33:17.000 No, Acme is in Minneapolis.
01:33:17.000 Did I make that up?
01:33:19.000 Acme is the comedy club in Minneapolis, right?
01:33:21.000 What's the theater in Madison?
01:33:26.000 Orpheum?
01:33:27.000 I don't know.
01:33:28.000 I had a point, but it's fucking lost.
01:33:30.000 There is an Orpheum there.
01:33:31.000 There's an Orpheum there?
01:33:32.000 Maybe that's where I went.
01:33:34.000 Yeah, it's a great little city.
01:33:35.000 It's a college town.
01:33:36.000 See if that's where I went.
01:33:37.000 Good food.
01:33:38.000 It's really only one block, though.
01:33:40.000 Yeah, it's not a lot.
01:33:41.000 There's a block that goes from the statehouse to the university, and there's not much off it.
01:33:47.000 And again, it's one of those places where...
01:33:51.000 People that are living in a place where it gets really, really, really fucking cold.
01:33:56.000 Orphium theater.
01:33:57.000 It's the Orphium?
01:33:58.000 That's where I was?
01:33:59.000 Those people are hardier.
01:34:01.000 Like that thing that we're talking about.
01:34:02.000 This idea that you might not make it home tonight.
01:34:02.000 Oh, hell yeah.
01:34:05.000 Like, there's a goddamn blizzard.
01:34:06.000 You might get stuck on the side of the road.
01:34:07.000 If you see flashing, like, a light on the side of the road, like someone's hazard lights, they pulled over, like, a lot of times people help.
01:34:15.000 Because that person might die.
01:34:17.000 Like, there's a difference between...
01:34:18.000 If you see somebody on the 405 and they're pulled over, do you ever even think for a fucking second of pulling over and helping them?
01:34:24.000 No.
01:34:25.000 But if you were driving down a snowy road in New Hampshire and you saw someone pulled over to the side of the road and you start thinking, what if that's a mom with her kids?
01:34:25.000 No.
01:34:32.000 And that's great.
01:34:33.000 It totally fosters community.
01:34:35.000 When you live in harsher weather, you have a trust and there's a symbiotic relationship with your neighbors.
01:34:42.000 You think about people that live up in Alaska.
01:34:45.000 And how they share supplies and fucking, in the spring, help rebuild a barn.
01:34:51.000 That's community.
01:34:52.000 That's living.
01:34:53.000 I mean, in LA, our needs are so easily met.
01:34:56.000 We don't have any fucking...
01:34:58.000 Our roof doesn't go bad because it rains three days a year.
01:35:01.000 And you can take an Uber here and you can get a fucking Yelp review on the sushi plate.
01:35:06.000 It's all easy.
01:35:07.000 It all comes to you.
01:35:08.000 There's no sense of, I don't need to help you if I hang out with you.
01:35:11.000 It's because I want to hang out with you.
01:35:13.000 There, you hang out with your neighbor because you're fucking surviving together.
01:35:17.000 We were all hanging out in the back of the comedy store last night, and we were all stoned.
01:35:21.000 And we were all laughing and giggling and joking around.
01:35:24.000 And I was thinking, boy, what a great place this is to be at the Sunset Strip in Hollywood in 2016. And then all I could think of, because of the pot probably, was like, what if...
01:35:38.000 An asteroid, just not even a big one, but a pretty big one, just slammed into downtown LA right now.
01:35:45.000 Not enough to kill me, but enough for me to just feel the impact, see the thing flying through the sky, and hear the people scream and run for the fucking hills.
01:35:55.000 And realize, I realized at that moment, because I was so high, I was like, how fragile is this existence that we think is so concrete?
01:36:04.000 We think it's so locked in and permanent and secure.
01:36:07.000 And all we take is one fucking rock that comes hurling from the sky, boom, into downtown L.A., Kill a half a million people.
01:36:17.000 And then the rest of us would beat you shit in our pants in terror.
01:36:21.000 One highway goes out in L.A. We're fucked.
01:36:24.000 Because there's only two roads downtown.
01:36:24.000 We're fucked.
01:36:26.000 There's the 10 and the 405. And if those go, either one of those go, the city shuts down.
01:36:32.000 Dude, this is such a stupid place to live.
01:36:34.000 There was three earthquakes last night, too.
01:36:36.000 Yeah, three earthquakes.
01:36:36.000 Yeah?
01:36:37.000 A pretty big one on the Nevada border.
01:36:40.000 5.7.
01:36:41.000 It's a pretty big one.
01:36:43.000 It's not a, you know, one like the 1990 whatever the fuck it was one, which was a lot higher.
01:36:49.000 That was like more than seven.
01:36:51.000 But this was, that's a significant earthquake.
01:36:54.000 5.7 is a pretty good shock.
01:36:56.000 But that's what's so weird about, I mean, you talk about it being tenuous and all that, is that that shit can fuck things up bad.
01:37:03.000 And people go, oh, we're due.
01:37:04.000 But we just elected an earthquake.
01:37:08.000 We chose a fucking tragedy to happen.
01:37:13.000 And if you're a Trump supporter, go fuck yourself.
01:37:16.000 You fucked us.
01:37:18.000 Good night.
01:37:19.000 Thanks for coming.
01:37:20.000 These liberals in Hollywood that think they can talk down to you, the good people of Trumplandia.
01:37:26.000 You just watch.
01:37:27.000 I am not on his side.
01:37:29.000 I do not support any of his statements.
01:37:32.000 And I think it's about time we showed a little respect for the Office of Commander-in-Chief.
01:37:38.000 Maybe he will rise to the job.
01:37:41.000 Yes, he could!
01:37:42.000 Maybe.
01:37:43.000 Maybe we can get him some mushrooms.
01:37:44.000 Maybe he will have a revelation while he's in office that this has achieved the highest achievement that any human being can ever attain, that he has won the race.
01:37:55.000 And now?
01:37:55.000 And maybe he will change his entire cabinet appointments that he's made over the last month.
01:38:00.000 And like Bill Gates, dedicate the remaining years of his life to philanthropy work.
01:38:04.000 Yes.
01:38:05.000 You know, Joe, my attitude towards this year was supposed to be positive, and you just saw an example of negativity come out.
01:38:12.000 Yeah, you go a little negative.
01:38:13.000 I can't do it.
01:38:14.000 I can't go negative on it.
01:38:15.000 I can be vigilant.
01:38:17.000 I can keep an eye on what he does.
01:38:19.000 My wife has this app where every day she can call or write a congressman or a cause or a place you can donate money so that you feel like every day...
01:38:27.000 What's the app called?
01:38:28.000 No, I'll find out.
01:38:28.000 Do you know?
01:38:30.000 I'll find out.
01:38:30.000 Jamie can find it.
01:38:31.000 But it's a way of not feeling alienated and not feeling isolated and like you're doing something.
01:38:37.000 Whether or not it makes a difference, maybe it does.
01:38:40.000 Well, if everybody reacts that way, it makes a difference.
01:38:43.000 It's really sheer numbers.
01:38:45.000 I've used it as an example on the show before, but you remember when the United States had that...
01:38:50.000 The president had the press conference where Obama was saying that we're probably going to go to war with Syria, and America was like, fuck you.
01:38:57.000 It was a unanimous, cross the board, right and left.
01:39:00.000 So when he said they drew a line in the sand about if they used chemical weapons, we'd go to war?
01:39:04.000 Yeah, there was something along those lines, but there was a fucking...
01:39:09.000 Blatant rejection by the American people.
01:39:11.000 It was very obvious.
01:39:12.000 It was very vocal.
01:39:14.000 And no commentators, right or left, were saying this is a good idea.
01:39:18.000 Like, this is a terrible idea.
01:39:19.000 You want to go to another fucking unwinnable war?
01:39:22.000 This time in Syria?
01:39:23.000 And so it stopped.
01:39:24.000 All the talk stopped.
01:39:26.000 I mean, obviously it's a terrible fucking place.
01:39:29.000 And, you know, the videos that are coming out of there every day.
01:39:32.000 It's insane.
01:39:33.000 Civilians just being fucking wiped out.
01:39:35.000 It's insane.
01:39:36.000 It's insane.
01:39:37.000 I don't think...
01:39:38.000 I mean, it's hard for us to even imagine what it would be like to be living there.
01:39:43.000 Living over here in fucking Los Angeles where everything's perfect.
01:39:47.000 Imagine what it's like to be someone who just by a bad roll of the dice, you were born over there.
01:39:52.000 About parts of Africa, you know, South Sudan and the Congo and places where people are giving their lives in the street because there were voter discrepancies.
01:40:03.000 That, you know, ideologically are letting themselves be shot in public squares because they're demonstrating.
01:40:11.000 That's intense.
01:40:13.000 Yeah, it's incredible.
01:40:15.000 It's...
01:40:17.000 I mean, there's pockets of the world that are living a sophisticated version of the way people were living six, seven hundred years ago.
01:40:24.000 They're just living a more sophisticated version.
01:40:27.000 They're using cell phones and technology.
01:40:28.000 But they have almost the same mindset as people who lived hundreds and hundreds of years ago.
01:40:33.000 For good and for bad.
01:40:34.000 They found an uncontacted tribe in the Amazon.
01:40:37.000 Oh, I saw that.
01:40:38.000 I saw the pictures.
01:40:39.000 Holy shit.
01:40:40.000 We were trying to figure out, we're like, imagine if there was a way where you could infiltrate those people, but they wouldn't, you would have to, they would not, the only way to really know how they lived Yeah.
01:41:13.000 Well, also you might kill them because very often anthropologists try to go in there and study and they give them a disease.
01:41:21.000 There's been cases where they've wiped out entire tribes.
01:41:25.000 Yeah, there's a guy named Dan Flores who wrote a paper about the bisons.
01:41:32.000 And it's bison diplomacy, bison ecology, I think it's called.
01:41:36.000 And one of the things he was talking about was the amount of Native Americans that were wiped out just because of diseases by settlers.
01:41:44.000 And it was some insane number, like high 80%.
01:41:48.000 Oh, down in Mexico, that was.
01:41:51.000 I don't know where it was, but what percentage of Native Americans, Google this, what percentage of Native Americans were Killed by diseases from European settlers.
01:42:04.000 Because I know the Spanish, when they came into Central America, they fucking, so many people died from diseases.
01:42:11.000 Well, he was equating it to the boom in the buffalo herd sizes.
01:42:15.000 Oh, no shit.
01:42:16.000 He was saying that when the Native Americans contacted the Europeans, they got these horses from them.
01:42:21.000 Okay, what does it say here?
01:42:23.000 90%!
01:42:24.000 Holy shit!
01:42:26.000 Whoa!
01:42:26.000 No shit!
01:42:35.000 Shit!
01:42:46.000 Damn.
01:42:46.000 Holy shit.
01:42:49.000 Holy shit.
01:42:50.000 90%.
01:42:50.000 And then we went to war against the remaining 10%.
01:42:54.000 Holy shit.
01:42:55.000 Dislocated them and pushed them around.
01:42:58.000 Holy shit.
01:42:59.000 Goddamn.
01:43:00.000 And we wonder why they drink.
01:43:03.000 Well, I mean...
01:43:08.000 The same thing that I said about that tribe that lived in the jungle, I would love if there was a way where you could somehow or another be amongst them without them knowing it.
01:43:18.000 So you could really truly see how they behave and exist unaffected by a person like you or a person like me that obviously wasn't born there.
01:43:30.000 There was this documentary about this guy from Greenwich Village.
01:43:33.000 I think he was a gay guy.
01:43:34.000 And he went down to this village in, might have been Colombia, and he lived...
01:43:41.000 With them on the river for 20 years.
01:43:45.000 And they were gay.
01:43:46.000 The tribe wasn't gay, but they didn't delineate between gay sex and straight sex.
01:43:52.000 It was just all kind of fluidly would happen.
01:43:54.000 And so he had this boyfriend, basically.
01:43:57.000 But the boyfriend had a wife and kids, but he slept with the guy for 20 years.
01:44:01.000 And then he left and he was gone for like 15 years.
01:44:05.000 I forget why he didn't go back.
01:44:08.000 I think he didn't go back because they eventually attacked him and they were going to kill him.
01:44:12.000 Oh no, I know who it was.
01:44:14.000 One night he realized that they were cannibals.
01:44:16.000 They went and they attacked another tribe.
01:44:18.000 All of a sudden, one night, it had never happened before in all the years he was there.
01:44:21.000 Maybe it was only 10 years.
01:44:23.000 They all put on paint, and they went to the next village, and they killed, and then they ate flesh, and the guy just went, I'm fucking out of here.
01:44:32.000 Where's my return ticket?
01:44:33.000 And he left.
01:44:34.000 Holy shit.
01:44:35.000 And so he came back to the village, and he wrote about it, and he lectured about it, and then he went back like, yeah, like 15 years later, he goes back.
01:44:44.000 Finds the dude.
01:44:45.000 And this is like, I think the movie might have been called Keep the River on Your Right.
01:44:49.000 And he went back and he found the dude.
01:44:52.000 And they like rekindled their relationship.
01:44:54.000 Oh my god.
01:44:55.000 It was incredible.
01:44:57.000 Keep the River on Your Right?
01:44:59.000 I think so.
01:45:01.000 I'm writing that down.
01:45:02.000 I need to see that.
01:45:05.000 What the fuck, dude?
01:45:06.000 I didn't know that the incidences of cannibalism were so prevalent among Native Americans.
01:45:12.000 They would occasionally do that.
01:45:14.000 Like the Nez Perce, apparently, they would occasionally catch people and kill them and eat them.
01:45:18.000 Yeah.
01:45:19.000 I could see that.
01:45:19.000 Especially white people.
01:45:21.000 They'd catch you.
01:45:22.000 They'd eat your brain, right?
01:45:23.000 They'd eat your whole body.
01:45:24.000 Yeah.
01:45:25.000 But probably eat your brain, too.
01:45:26.000 But think about it.
01:45:27.000 I mean, it's very symbolic.
01:45:29.000 You conquer and you consume.
01:45:31.000 Yeah.
01:45:31.000 Yeah.
01:45:33.000 But it's the thing that freaks us out the most, the idea of being just reduced to meat.
01:45:38.000 Yeah.
01:45:40.000 Right.
01:45:41.000 Yeah.
01:45:41.000 And by someone just with a bigger tomahawk, you know, some meaner dude who got to you before you could get to him.
01:45:49.000 There's no, like, real serious weapons.
01:45:51.000 Yeah.
01:45:51.000 Other than bows and arrows and spears.
01:45:53.000 And it's really a fight to exhaustion.
01:45:55.000 It's who lasts the longest.
01:45:57.000 Fuck.
01:45:58.000 Fuck.
01:45:58.000 Or they capture you if you're trying to get away from them.
01:46:01.000 But in their case, I mean, do you imagine if you and your people had lived in this one patch of land for 10,000 years, then all of a sudden these fucking demons carrying death in their breath.
01:46:15.000 And their very touch, like just getting in contact with them makes all of your relatives wilt away.
01:46:21.000 Kills 90% of the people you know.
01:46:23.000 Just them being around.
01:46:25.000 Forget about all the shit they killed with guns.
01:46:27.000 All the people they probably shot and killed.
01:46:29.000 Just emanating evil and death.
01:46:31.000 And then they round you up like fucking cattle and they rape your women.
01:46:36.000 Jesus.
01:46:37.000 I mean...
01:46:39.000 Enough can't be said.
01:46:40.000 People go, oh, what a fucking liberal worrying about the Native Americans.
01:46:44.000 It's pretty bad.
01:46:45.000 Well, I didn't know how bad it was until I read a priest's account of Columbus's men interacting with Native Americans, and it is horrific.
01:46:56.000 This religious guy went with them on one of the voyages and wrote books about how they would hack off guys' arms, and they would tell them to bring them gold.
01:47:05.000 They had to bring their weight in gold, and if they didn't do it, they would hack off one of their arms, and they'd do it in front of everybody else.
01:47:10.000 We're good to go.
01:47:31.000 Damn!
01:47:32.000 His priest wrote about this.
01:47:33.000 So when we think of Christopher Columbus, we think of this noble Spanish gentleman who came over and landed in America and looked regal as he got off with fucking rosy cheeks and walked amongst the people and declared this American and all that bullshit and made friends with the Indians.
01:47:49.000 But they were...
01:47:50.000 A horrible band of monsters.
01:47:52.000 They also stopped in the Caribbean on the way here, and they literally committed genocide on an entire fucking island of people.
01:48:00.000 They worked them to death.
01:48:02.000 Same thing, a lot of these people, gold didn't mean anything to them.
01:48:05.000 It was something that they used to decorate or whatever, but there was no value the way there was in Europe.
01:48:11.000 So they gave it to them.
01:48:12.000 They were like, yeah, you want the gold?
01:48:13.000 Fucking right over there, grab the gold.
01:48:15.000 And once they took all that, then they made them start working for it.
01:48:19.000 And it seems like also these tribes that they encounter, they don't have any concept of large-scale slave labor like the Europeans did.
01:48:28.000 The Europeans were like, oh, we'll just get you to work for us or we'll kill you.
01:48:32.000 I don't think that was a thing that Native Americans were known for.
01:48:36.000 They're probably like, what are we doing here?
01:48:38.000 Why do we keep digging for gold?
01:48:40.000 What the fuck is going on here?
01:48:42.000 They had weird concepts in terms of what is possession.
01:48:42.000 Yeah.
01:48:47.000 They didn't have the same sort of concepts of this being yours.
01:48:50.000 If you left something there, someone would just take it.
01:48:54.000 Well, that's a thing that I want.
01:48:56.000 It's right there.
01:48:56.000 I'm just going to take that.
01:48:57.000 It's not anybody's.
01:48:58.000 Nobody owns it.
01:48:59.000 So it confused the shit out of them when they would get accused of stealing.
01:49:03.000 There was a whole different, in many of these encounters apparently, there was a whole different, not just a language barrier, but a culture barrier.
01:49:11.000 Like understanding what these fucking crazy white assholes were doing.
01:49:15.000 And the whole concept that you still see in a lot of Middle Eastern countries, which is the idea of giving.
01:49:22.000 As a host, when you come to somebody's home, you give them your bed, and you give them food, and you would never ask them to leave as long as they want to stay.
01:49:35.000 And it's all about generosity.
01:49:38.000 And the Western mentality is more about collecting and owning.
01:49:43.000 Yeah.
01:49:44.000 It's interesting, and isn't that also what we were talking about before, that a long time ago is a lot like living in a place that has unbelievably harsh winters.
01:49:55.000 A long time ago, you were faced with danger all the time, and you had to make bonds.
01:50:00.000 They had to be important.
01:50:01.000 So if you came over to my house, I'd have to think, hey, Greg, the shit might go down one day.
01:50:07.000 If the shit goes down, I'm here with you.
01:50:09.000 You're here with me.
01:50:11.000 We're gonna break bread.
01:50:12.000 You sleep in my bed.
01:50:13.000 I got you, bro.
01:50:14.000 You're here.
01:50:15.000 So there was this intense need to form these community bonds.
01:50:21.000 Today, nobody even knows who their fucking neighbor is.
01:50:23.000 Do you think they lived like that a thousand years ago?
01:50:25.000 You fucking for sure knew who that guy was.
01:50:28.000 You for sure knew who that guy was, and everybody would be on the lookout for some people that we didn't know that might be sneaking over the top of the hill.
01:50:34.000 There's none of that anymore.
01:50:36.000 It's gone.
01:50:37.000 Now when you talk about gossip, you know, small towns from a long time ago, people go, everybody was gossiping.
01:50:42.000 Yeah, you know what they were saying?
01:50:44.000 That guy's a rapist.
01:50:45.000 Yeah.
01:50:46.000 Watch out for him.
01:50:47.000 Or, hey, this guy I can vouch for.
01:50:47.000 Yeah.
01:50:49.000 He's a good guy.
01:50:50.000 That's what gossip was.
01:50:51.000 Yeah.
01:50:52.000 And you needed to know.
01:50:54.000 You needed to know who's a freak.
01:50:54.000 Mm-hmm.
01:50:56.000 Who's fucking crazy?
01:50:56.000 Yeah.
01:50:57.000 Right.
01:50:57.000 Who's doing weird shit?
01:50:58.000 Yeah.
01:50:58.000 Who's jerking off in all the girls' shoes in the middle of the night?
01:51:01.000 Who the fuck?
01:51:02.000 Which of the girls like it?
01:51:02.000 Did you find them?
01:51:03.000 Yeah.
01:51:03.000 Do you know who was doing it?
01:51:04.000 The girls who like it, you gotta separate them.
01:51:06.000 They need their own hut with a loose door.
01:51:09.000 Send them to Vegas.
01:51:13.000 Just people like what we've become right now as the people that are living here in 2016, it's a weird process that's been going on for hundreds and hundreds of years, and we're just at the end of it.
01:51:27.000 We're obviously not the end-to-end, but we're at the front of the line.
01:51:30.000 As far as all the history of it all pushing behind us, it's hard for us to appreciate how weird it must have been to be our parents or to be our parents' parents.
01:51:38.000 Or to come here from another country.
01:51:40.000 Or to be someone who existed back when you only lived 30 years old.
01:51:45.000 I mean, you'd die of old age.
01:51:47.000 You'd have a heart attack at 30. Or you'd get you a disease.
01:51:49.000 Or someone would shoot you an arrow.
01:51:50.000 That was like a giant percentage of us.
01:51:53.000 Half your brothers and sisters died from shit like smallpox or whooping cough.
01:51:57.000 And to have the balls to get in a boat.
01:52:00.000 And leave Spain.
01:52:02.000 And head across the fucking ocean.
01:52:04.000 And land in the Bahamas.
01:52:07.000 Those were marauders, those people.
01:52:09.000 I just think about landing, even later, like the beginning of the 19th century, when people were, or the 20th century, when people were coming over from Europe, you landed in Manhattan.
01:52:23.000 You got a burlap sack with some clothes on it and an address of a fucking second cousin out in Brooklyn.
01:52:29.000 You don't know how to get to Brooklyn.
01:52:31.000 You don't speak the native language.
01:52:34.000 You're speaking Italian.
01:52:35.000 Italians are fucking hated when you land.
01:52:38.000 You're shit.
01:52:39.000 Nobody wants to help you.
01:52:40.000 People don't realize that today, because that stigma's kind of gone away.
01:52:43.000 My grandfather used to talk about it all the time, because he came over from Italy and my grandmother came over from Italy on my mom's side.
01:52:49.000 And they would talk about it all the time, how horrible it was.
01:52:53.000 Kids would call them guinea wops.
01:52:55.000 You would be treated as a lower level person.
01:53:01.000 You know, because you're Italian.
01:53:02.000 But then suddenly it went away.
01:53:04.000 It's weird.
01:53:06.000 Jersey Shore brought it back a little bit.
01:53:10.000 Real Housewives, they're guinea wops.
01:53:13.000 Yeah, the Real Housewives of New Jersey, holy shit.
01:53:16.000 Yeah, it is funny because the Italians are, in some ways, you think about the Holy Roman Empire.
01:53:23.000 I mean, you and I were both in Rome this summer, and it's mind-blowing that irrigation started there.
01:53:30.000 Every major thing started there.
01:53:33.000 Well, I guess it was Greek or Roman?
01:53:36.000 Yeah, I think, right?
01:53:37.000 Didn't they have that first?
01:53:38.000 Who created democracy?
01:53:41.000 I think it was the Greeks.
01:53:43.000 I think that's a Greek word.
01:53:45.000 But you get blown away by what the Italians are capable of.
01:53:49.000 You see the craftsmanship of marble work in this country that the Italians brought over, and the opera, and then you see Jersey Shore.
01:53:59.000 It's such a fucking weird dichotomy of Italians can be so fucking dumb and materialistic, and yet they are the fucking high point of culture and civilization.
01:54:11.000 Well, in some ways, but they were also fucking kids.
01:54:15.000 Yeah.
01:54:16.000 Right?
01:54:16.000 Like, that's a big part of what they did, too.
01:54:19.000 Yeah.
01:54:20.000 They did that along with make incredible architecture, unbelievable art, incredible buildings filled with statues that are just beyond compare.
01:54:31.000 This incredible artistic expression, but rampant kid fucking.
01:54:36.000 Yeah.
01:54:40.000 Right?
01:54:40.000 We both grew up Catholic, right?
01:54:42.000 Yeah.
01:54:43.000 We knew Catholics.
01:54:44.000 Our families were all Catholic.
01:54:46.000 Everyone around us was Catholic.
01:54:47.000 Yeah.
01:54:48.000 We all knew a priest that tried to fuck a kid or fucked a kid.
01:54:52.000 Well, you heard about a priest who fucked a kid.
01:54:54.000 Yeah.
01:54:55.000 Or my friend was, he went away to some fucking camp and the priest climbed into bed with him and was trying to grab his hand and shove it down his pants and he was literally fighting the guy off and running away from him.
01:55:07.000 Mm-hmm.
01:55:09.000 It was a crazy story.
01:55:11.000 I was like, what?
01:55:12.000 Yeah, the Catholics, I think, there's a work ethic that comes with it and a service of God thing and a Christian soldier thing.
01:55:18.000 And then there's also all the repression and shame about sexuality that plays out.
01:55:22.000 The Irish are the same way.
01:55:24.000 The Irish have, you know, they saved...
01:55:27.000 The Bible.
01:55:28.000 There's this book called How the Irish Saved Civilization.
01:55:31.000 And when the Roman Empire was being destroyed, they were burning every single Bible in Europe.
01:55:36.000 Like, they literally destroyed all the Bibles.
01:55:38.000 And in Ireland, there were the monks that were like, you know, the...
01:55:42.000 What are those scrolls called in Dublin?
01:55:47.000 Whatever they're called.
01:55:48.000 But they were handwriting Bibles by the fucking thousands.
01:55:53.000 And that's what saved Christianity.
01:55:55.000 Wow.
01:55:56.000 And then you get into the poets, you know, Yates and Eugene O'Neill, and you think about what the Irish have offered to this place.
01:56:04.000 But the same thing, massive kid fuckers.
01:56:08.000 Yeah, it's the number of people throughout history that were kid fuckers.
01:56:12.000 That's what was really weird.
01:56:14.000 It's like if you go through history and, you know, what would you call it, pederasty?
01:56:18.000 Is that what you call it?
01:56:19.000 Is that the technical word for having sex with underage boys?
01:56:22.000 But it's really common.
01:56:25.000 Like throughout human history, throughout Rome and the Middle East, and there's so many fucking instances of great men Wasn't Socrates a kid fucker?
01:56:39.000 How many people quote Socrates and then have that caveat, but he also fucked kids?
01:56:46.000 You give them a pass on that.
01:56:48.000 They didn't know you weren't supposed to fuck kids back then.
01:56:50.000 A lot of people probably fucked them too.
01:56:52.000 It was probably sexual exchanges where we had a much less rigid idea of what sexual exchanges were acceptable.
01:57:01.000 But that's not that long ago.
01:57:02.000 It's weird that hundreds of years ago people were just fucking kids.
01:57:06.000 I'd fuck an animal before I'd fuck a kid.
01:57:08.000 There's a lot of animals I think that would probably be good to fuck.
01:57:13.000 I think a horse would probably fight back the least.
01:57:16.000 I don't know about that.
01:57:17.000 I wouldn't fuck a horse.
01:57:18.000 Because if they kick you, you're dead.
01:57:19.000 That's true.
01:57:20.000 They decide they're done.
01:57:21.000 Yeah.
01:57:22.000 They're not going to be cool about it.
01:57:24.000 They're not going to be like, all right, go ahead, finish.
01:57:25.000 No, they're going to kick you off them.
01:57:27.000 You want a fat, lazy animal.
01:57:29.000 Yeah.
01:57:30.000 You don't want death by female horse or male horse if you're into that kind of shit.
01:57:34.000 Probably a...
01:57:36.000 Sheep seems to be pretty popular out west.
01:57:39.000 Yeah, that would definitely be the one.
01:57:41.000 You know, it's weird that it's illegal to kill animals when you are going to do anything but eat them.
01:57:50.000 And it's illegal to fuck animals.
01:57:55.000 Like, you can't fuck them, but you can kill them.
01:57:57.000 Yeah.
01:57:58.000 You can eat them, but you can't fuck them.
01:57:59.000 Yeah.
01:58:00.000 So you can't do a dual purpose.
01:58:01.000 You can't kill them, fuck them, then eat them, because then you're fucking a dead animal, and that's gross.
01:58:06.000 But I think that might be legal.
01:58:08.000 I think it's more legal to fuck a dead animal than a live animal.
01:58:12.000 That makes sense.
01:58:13.000 Because what are you doing?
01:58:14.000 Then you're really just masturbating because there's not a living thing in your presence.
01:58:17.000 It can't be rape if it's dead.
01:58:19.000 But you notice how there's stages of how you feel about the dead animal.
01:58:23.000 Stage one is the live animal, right?
01:58:26.000 If you're fucking a live animal, you crazy asshole, what are you subjecting that animal to?
01:58:29.000 Stage two, you're fucking a dead animal.
01:58:31.000 What is wrong with you?
01:58:33.000 Why do you want to fuck this thing?
01:58:36.000 Forget about whether you should be able to do it, but if you kill it and then eat it, right?
01:58:41.000 Everybody's fine with that, because that's like what you're supposed to do.
01:58:44.000 But you can't fuck its body, but what if you just jerked off with a chicken cutlet?
01:58:49.000 What if you took a chicken cutlet, you wrapped it on your dick, and someone came in the room like, what the fuck are you doing, Greg?
01:58:53.000 Like, dude, I'm telling you, it sounds crazy, but it feels so good.
01:58:56.000 And I just clean it up, and then I eat it.
01:58:58.000 It's no big deal.
01:58:59.000 Somebody comes over for dinner, takes a bite.
01:58:59.000 I still eat the cutlet.
01:59:01.000 What's this nice cream sauce?
01:59:05.000 Now that you say fucking a chicken cutlet, it's all I can think about.
01:59:09.000 Because it's slippery.
01:59:11.000 It's soft.
01:59:12.000 One of those GMO chickens, it would wrap right around your hog.
01:59:15.000 Hell yeah!
01:59:16.000 And it's a breast!
01:59:17.000 You're thinking about it being a, you're tid-fucking it!
01:59:22.000 You know what you would do?
01:59:23.000 You would take a bag, like one of them Ziploc storage bags, put the chicken cutlet in the bag, and then heat up some water to about 99 degrees.
01:59:32.000 And then you'd dunk the chicken cutlet in the water so that it heats up.
01:59:37.000 It gets, you know, like a body skin temperature.
01:59:39.000 And then you just cover that bitch with KY. Just lather it in there, and then you put an oven mitt on.
01:59:48.000 You grab ahold of the cutlet.
01:59:49.000 You wrap that cutlet around your shaft.
01:59:52.000 Oh!
01:59:53.000 Crimes against humanity never felt so good.
02:00:00.000 And you can eat it!
02:00:01.000 You're gonna eat it.
02:00:02.000 You're gonna cook that shit because you've tenderized it.
02:00:05.000 Especially, like, you don't have to use inedible oil.
02:00:08.000 You could jerk off with a nice avocado oil or olive oil.
02:00:12.000 You know, avocado oil has a high flashpoint.
02:00:14.000 It's a good oil to jerk off with.
02:00:16.000 Because then after you're done, as long as you don't come on your chicken...
02:00:16.000 Yes.
02:00:20.000 Oh no, you pull out.
02:00:21.000 You don't want to cum on your food.
02:00:21.000 That's gross.
02:00:23.000 But that way it would be really green.
02:00:25.000 Multiple uses.
02:00:26.000 I love it.
02:00:27.000 But we can't accept the fact that we want pleasure.
02:00:31.000 That we want pleasure from a fleshlight is gross.
02:00:35.000 You want to fuck that thing?
02:00:36.000 Ew.
02:00:37.000 That's gross.
02:00:38.000 That we want pleasure from a chicken cutlet using an animal's flesh as a masturbation tool.
02:00:45.000 But we'll eat it.
02:00:46.000 We'll sink our teeth into it and swallow it.
02:00:49.000 As long as you intercourse with an animal...
02:00:50.000 We'll eat a cow's fucking milk.
02:00:53.000 There's rules.
02:00:54.000 Which is so weird.
02:00:54.000 Here's the rules.
02:00:55.000 According to Section 69 of the Sexual Offenses Act of 2003...
02:00:59.000 69. Ha ha!
02:01:01.000 Commits...
02:01:02.000 A person commits an offense of intercourse with an animal if...
02:01:06.000 A, he unintentionally performs an act of penetration, which is penis.
02:01:13.000 B, what is penetrated is the vagina or anus of a living animal.
02:01:18.000 So blowjobs are free.
02:01:20.000 So that's not intercourse with an animal, and blowjobs are free.
02:01:23.000 But notice how both of them are he.
02:01:27.000 Yes.
02:01:28.000 You know, they're referring to he doing it.
02:01:32.000 What the fuck is that?
02:01:33.000 They're not referring to a chick fucking a horse.
02:01:35.000 A chick fucking a horse seems totally legal.
02:01:37.000 Wouldn't it be a horse fucking a chick, though?
02:01:38.000 Not the chick fucking a chick?
02:01:39.000 No, that dirty bitch.
02:01:40.000 She shows that horse what's up.
02:01:42.000 She backs up to him.
02:01:43.000 Keeps him stuck in that stall.
02:01:44.000 He can't back up or go forward.
02:01:46.000 It's totally against his will.
02:01:47.000 This article has to do with David Cameron and the Prime Minister, I think, of the UK or Britain.
02:01:54.000 It's just talking about if he could have gotten in trouble.
02:01:56.000 Something happened.
02:01:57.000 There's some allegations of something in some memoirs about something.
02:02:00.000 I'm not reading all of the article.
02:02:02.000 I was just reading about the laws.
02:02:03.000 He put his penis in a dead pig head.
02:02:05.000 He did?
02:02:06.000 That's what it says.
02:02:07.000 Right here.
02:02:07.000 That's the allegation.
02:02:09.000 While he was in university.
02:02:11.000 Oh.
02:02:11.000 But it was breaking down if what he did was actually illegal or not, and it has to be a dead animal, or this was a dead animal in this case.
02:02:19.000 So if it's a live animal, it's sex with an animal.
02:02:22.000 Yes.
02:02:22.000 So if it's a dead animal, it's no big deal.
02:02:24.000 And then it broke it down that it would have mattered where it happened and if someone would have taken a picture of it.
02:02:32.000 Because if there's no picture, you're fine.
02:02:34.000 If it happened not in public, you're also maybe okay.
02:02:37.000 That is fucking hilarious.
02:02:39.000 How weird is it that we have rules on what we allow you to fuck?
02:02:39.000 Yeah.
02:02:43.000 But you can kill them and eat them.
02:02:44.000 But you can't just kill them.
02:02:46.000 You can only kill them if you're going to eat them.
02:02:48.000 You can't just shoot a cow in the head and leave it to rot.
02:02:50.000 Even though that's the natural process is an animal falls down, crows start eating it, rats eat it, the grass devours it, it decays and goes into the ground.
02:03:02.000 But you can't do that.
02:03:04.000 Only you can shoot him if you want to eat him.
02:03:05.000 Or unless you strap a bit in its mouth, sit on it, and whip it around a fucking oval track.
02:03:10.000 Oh, you can do that.
02:03:11.000 Then he breaks his leg, then you can kill him.
02:03:12.000 You can shoot him in the head, then.
02:03:13.000 Then it's fair.
02:03:14.000 Yeah, we got weird rules with how we interact with animals.
02:03:18.000 Definitely not saying you should go around fucking animals.
02:03:21.000 I'm not saying you should be able to.
02:03:22.000 I hope nobody interprets what we're saying as that.
02:03:22.000 I'm not saying you should.
02:03:25.000 I'm just saying it is weird that we make rules.
02:03:28.000 About things like that.
02:03:29.000 Like, who was fucking these animals to the point where, like, we gotta write this down.
02:03:33.000 I'm surprised there's not more animal fucking.
02:03:39.000 Because think about how horny people are, and you think about people that can't get laid.
02:03:44.000 Oh, yeah.
02:03:45.000 And I just, it seems incredible to me that you don't hear all that, maybe it just does, people don't find out.
02:03:52.000 Maybe there's more animal fucking going on than we really are aware of.
02:03:55.000 How many people right now?
02:03:56.000 I mean, if you see a guy who lives alone with a fucking giant dog.
02:04:00.000 Like one of those big fucking sheepdogs.
02:04:00.000 Yeah.
02:04:03.000 Mm-hmm.
02:04:04.000 That's weird that a guy would live with that.
02:04:06.000 Why is it weird?
02:04:07.000 Because he's fucking it.
02:04:08.000 Oh, Greg, that's so not true.
02:04:10.000 Sometimes they just have a nice pet dog and they love him, and they give him a kiss on the face, and they throw the ball for him, and he's a wonderful companion.
02:04:17.000 But at least a few guys are out there right now while I'm talking.
02:04:22.000 There's 300 million people in this country plus Mexicans.
02:04:25.000 What's that number?
02:04:27.000 Whatever it is?
02:04:27.000 350?
02:04:28.000 We don't even know what the number is, right?
02:04:30.000 And when I say plus Mexicans, I'm not trying to be racist.
02:04:33.000 You're welcome here.
02:04:34.000 I say you could stay.
02:04:35.000 That's what I said.
02:04:36.000 Fuck yeah.
02:04:36.000 Let him stay.
02:04:37.000 Just don't fuck the animals.
02:04:38.000 But what I'm saying is, out of 300 plus million people, there's at least one person right now who has his balls covered in whipped cream, his dog is sucking on his balls, and he's jerking off.
02:04:48.000 So many more than that, yeah.
02:04:50.000 At least one though.
02:04:51.000 Yeah.
02:04:51.000 Like, I'm super confident.
02:04:52.000 Like, if I had, if they said, Mr. Rogan, would you like to bet $10,000 on that being true?
02:04:52.000 Yeah.
02:04:57.000 Hmm.
02:04:59.000 Yes.
02:05:00.000 That's good money.
02:05:00.000 One person right now, out of 300 million, has whipped cream on his balls, and he's jerking off while his dog's licking his nuts.
02:05:06.000 And then the map, the spots on the map where it's happening, and it would be like those Trump states.
02:05:11.000 You know when you're like, I can't believe they're all red.
02:05:13.000 That's what it would be like.
02:05:15.000 Like the sky, like a constellation.
02:05:18.000 The entire country would light up.
02:05:20.000 It would be like 3,000 people at the same time.
02:05:23.000 That's too much, right?
02:05:24.000 That's probably not happening.
02:05:26.000 It says right here that bestiality is legal in Kentucky, Montana, New Jersey, Nevada, of course, Ohio, Texas.
02:05:37.000 No, Jersey does permit civil unions.
02:05:39.000 You can marry an animal.
02:05:41.000 You can have a civil union with your animal.
02:05:44.000 55% of the states wherein bestiality is legal, same-sex marriage is not.
02:05:53.000 Oh my god, that's hilarious.
02:05:55.000 That is insulting.
02:05:56.000 The states which do not criminalize bestiology yet ban same-sex marriages are Kentucky, Montana, New Jersey, Nevada, Ohio, Texas, Virginia, West Virginia, and Wyoming.
02:06:08.000 Holy shit!
02:06:09.000 They don't criminalize bestiology, but they have a ban on dudes marrying dudes.
02:06:15.000 It's just a misdemeanor in a lot of other states too.
02:06:17.000 What if you're gay for a male dog?
02:06:20.000 Right!
02:06:22.000 How's that work?
02:06:23.000 I think you can't do it.
02:06:25.000 So if you're allowed to marry a dog, you could fuck it for sure, right?
02:06:30.000 No.
02:06:32.000 They don't have problems with bestiality in those states.
02:06:35.000 Right.
02:06:36.000 Oh no, Jersey allows for a civil union amongst people who are gay.
02:06:41.000 They don't allow for a civil union amongst you and your animal.
02:06:45.000 Yeah.
02:06:46.000 How dare you interpret it that way.
02:06:49.000 But, you know, I mean, how can you say that it's okay to fuck animals but gay people can't get married?
02:06:56.000 The fact that we let that stay on the books, everybody needs to sit down and go, what are we doing?
02:07:02.000 Like, what's this?
02:07:03.000 You think it's okay?
02:07:03.000 What is this?
02:07:04.000 Is it okay to fuck your sheepdog but these two lesbians, they can't get married?
02:07:08.000 Get the fuck out of here, man.
02:07:09.000 Get out of the way.
02:07:10.000 Boy, is that insulting.
02:07:11.000 Just get out of the way.
02:07:12.000 But now it's national.
02:07:13.000 Now gay marriage is legal in all states, correct?
02:07:16.000 Is it?
02:07:18.000 I think so.
02:07:18.000 I mean, it'll be challenged once Trump comes in.
02:07:20.000 Is it legal in all states?
02:07:22.000 Federally?
02:07:22.000 I think it is, right?
02:07:24.000 I think that was a year ago.
02:07:25.000 I think it's federally legal, but it's the states that have issues with it.
02:07:28.000 That's interesting.
02:07:29.000 So it's like the opposite of the problem with marijuana.
02:07:32.000 Marijuana being legal in a lot of states, but federally illegal.
02:07:36.000 I'm a weird system.
02:07:37.000 I never get it.
02:07:38.000 I think that was the issue with that lady in Kentucky.
02:07:40.000 She personally wouldn't issue the marriage license.
02:07:43.000 Oh, that's right.
02:07:44.000 You're right.
02:07:44.000 You're right, Jamie.
02:07:45.000 Yeah, that was that crazy lady.
02:07:46.000 For Jesus!
02:07:48.000 Jesus don't want no queers sucking each other off under the power of my government!
02:07:55.000 And they brought her to the convention, the Republican convention.
02:07:57.000 She was a hero.
02:07:58.000 She was a goddamn hero.
02:07:59.000 I'll parade her around.
02:08:00.000 You know what I love is the Trump's inauguration.
02:08:03.000 You see what he's got lined up for the talent so far?
02:08:05.000 Mormon Tabernacle Choir and some of the Rockettes.
02:08:10.000 A bunch of them won't do it.
02:08:11.000 Yeah, I'm sure.
02:08:12.000 Meanwhile, the Democrats, I heard, I don't know, is this confirmed that the Democrats are putting on a concert that same night and they've got Springsteen, Lady Gaga, fucking Jay-Z and Beyonce, like literally like 15 of the biggest names in entertainment.
02:08:30.000 And Trump is such a star fucker.
02:08:32.000 This is killing them.
02:08:34.000 How weird.
02:08:35.000 The Democrats are doing something on the inauguration night like that.
02:08:38.000 Maybe it's not that night, but it's around then.
02:08:41.000 Maybe they're trying to fuck with them.
02:08:43.000 Oh, yeah.
02:08:44.000 Totally fucking with them.
02:08:46.000 I think it's raising awareness that we have to stay vigilant.
02:08:49.000 I don't think we should shut down government, but I think that we should make sure that the Constitution is being honored.
02:08:59.000 That's the big question right now.
02:09:00.000 How does a guy go from being a reality star to being the president?
02:09:05.000 I mean, it's almost beyond imagination.
02:09:09.000 Like, the fact that it's real, and I keep opening up CNN every day going, oh yeah, every day.
02:09:16.000 Every day I go to CNN.com, I go, oh yeah, he's the guy.
02:09:20.000 Oh yeah, oh yeah, he won.
02:09:23.000 No, that bit you did about it last night, about how we just wanted to fuck with stuff.
02:09:28.000 Don't give my bit away.
02:09:29.000 I'm still working on it.
02:09:30.000 Supposedly this was called the We the People concert, but I'm not seeing, there's no tickets for sale right now.
02:09:36.000 We the People for Trump?
02:09:37.000 No, the Democratic concert is supposed to be held in Miami.
02:09:41.000 Supposedly, there's rumors that a promoter was going to book it.
02:09:44.000 Is it called A Clock of Cucks?
02:09:48.000 This is according to Politico.
02:09:52.000 Cucks are anybody who supports Hillary.
02:09:54.000 A cuck is cuckold.
02:09:57.000 Like a guy who...
02:09:58.000 I mean, it's not just that.
02:09:59.000 It's like white knights.
02:10:00.000 You're a cuck.
02:10:01.000 If you're white knighting, you're a cuck.
02:10:04.000 It's new alt-right speak.
02:10:07.000 No shit.
02:10:08.000 It came originally from the porn...
02:10:11.000 Phrase cuckold and which is like a guy fucks your wife in front of you like some guys like like watching Oh, no cuckold goes back to Shakespeare.
02:10:19.000 Yeah, but they They changed it.
02:10:23.000 But how is it that they're maligning her for her husband cheating when Trump has had three wives But wait a minute and the first who's who's they the all right, but it's not a big generalization Well, they brought out all of Clinton's ex-mistresses at the Republican convention.
02:10:44.000 Well, wasn't that all people that he allegedly sexually assaulted?
02:10:47.000 That's a little stronger than just mistresses.
02:10:50.000 I think it's probably a combination.
02:10:51.000 It's the best of.
02:10:53.000 I think they were women that were accusing him of rape, weren't they?
02:10:57.000 Were they all?
02:10:58.000 I think so.
02:11:00.000 Or accusing him of sexual assault?
02:11:02.000 Wasn't that what the big deal was?
02:11:04.000 It wasn't just that he had affairs with these women.
02:11:05.000 Yeah.
02:11:06.000 It was that there was some allegations.
02:11:08.000 Right.
02:11:10.000 It's all...
02:11:11.000 Yeah, I think that's what it was.
02:11:13.000 But it is amazing how much that was used against her.
02:11:16.000 A list of sexual advances and things like that.
02:11:18.000 Yeah.
02:11:19.000 Well, sexual advances is, in my opinion, very different than sexual assault.
02:11:23.000 Well, alleged groping.
02:11:24.000 Oh, okay.
02:11:24.000 Groping.
02:11:25.000 Forcibly kissing.
02:11:26.000 So when you say sexual advances, it's always like, what does that mean?
02:11:28.000 Does he talk to her?
02:11:30.000 Probably like grabbing pussies.
02:11:31.000 How dare you?
02:11:34.000 How dare you?
02:11:37.000 What is weird is that without permission, and again, I'm not defending Trump on this one, but your first move, you can go hard or you can be Johnny Gentleman.
02:11:51.000 And not too many guys are saying, may I kiss you?
02:11:54.000 You usually just go in and try to kiss somebody, which is what he did.
02:11:58.000 Not only that...
02:12:00.000 Can you go in and grab a woman's vagina as your first move?
02:12:03.000 Can you cut to third?
02:12:05.000 Can you steal first and second and go right to third?
02:12:07.000 Who says you can't?
02:12:09.000 Well...
02:12:09.000 If it worked, it would be a fucking bold move.
02:12:13.000 Didn't he say they let you?
02:12:15.000 Wasn't that one of the things he had said?
02:12:16.000 Yes!
02:12:18.000 Who's talking about crazy groupies?
02:12:20.000 I don't want to defend it because there's a way to do it.
02:12:22.000 Like if you're sitting, like I remember when I was a teenager, there was a girl driving a car and I didn't know her that well.
02:12:27.000 But we were like 16 or 17. And while she was driving, I put my hand, there were like three kids in the back and everybody's getting high.
02:12:35.000 And I put my hand on her knee, and I kind of worked it down the thigh, slowly, slowly.
02:12:41.000 Is it okay?
02:12:42.000 Not saying it, but it's dark, it's quiet.
02:12:44.000 And I got to her vagina, and I massaged it while she drove.
02:12:50.000 And then we got to where we were going, and I got out of the car, and I never saw her again.
02:12:50.000 Whoa.
02:12:55.000 Whoa.
02:12:56.000 Was that, in fact, Joe Rogan immoral?
02:13:01.000 Not in my eyes.
02:13:04.000 Girls like boys and boys like girls.
02:13:06.000 And she might have called her friends over and gone, dude, check this out.
02:13:06.000 That's right.
02:13:09.000 This dude fingered me all the way home.
02:13:11.000 It was awesome.
02:13:12.000 And I went home and finished.
02:13:13.000 Woo!
02:13:14.000 You know she finished when she got home.
02:13:16.000 That's the grab-em-by-the-pussy quote.
02:13:18.000 What he said.
02:13:19.000 Your girl is hot as shit in the purple, says Bush, now co-host of NBC's Today Show.
02:13:25.000 I gotta use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her, Trump says.
02:13:29.000 And when you're a star, they let you do it.
02:13:32.000 Trump says, grab them by the pussy.
02:13:34.000 Trump says, you can do anything.
02:13:36.000 He's being funny.
02:13:37.000 You know, it's unfortunate that that...
02:13:40.000 That's, you know, people like making this thing about it being locker room talk is inexcusable.
02:13:48.000 You can't say it's locker room talk.
02:13:49.000 You can't expect someone's words when it's two guys talking shit to each other like that to be transferred literally onto like when you're reading it, you're reading it out.
02:14:02.000 And you're not taking into account there are two guys sitting next to each other on a bus talking shit, being funny.
02:14:07.000 And that one of them is a fucking renowned entertainer.
02:14:11.000 And his whole thing is about him being this braggadocious winner.
02:14:16.000 And he's obviously playing it up.
02:14:19.000 And he's playing it up to an audience of one.
02:14:21.000 Not to an audience of 80 million or however many people found out about it or more or whatever the hell it was that read that.
02:14:27.000 But can you see that as sort of an insight into his character in terms of seeing women from a power structure of him having the power and them not?
02:14:27.000 Yeah.
02:14:36.000 And will that affect how he leads the country?
02:14:39.000 For sure.
02:14:40.000 That is absolutely a way to look at it.
02:14:42.000 Another way to look at it is...
02:14:44.000 He was used to groupies that wanted to do it.
02:14:48.000 And a lot of them probably did.
02:14:50.000 I think when you're a fucking billionaire...
02:14:53.000 When you're powerful.
02:14:54.000 Forget the money.
02:14:55.000 But he's also a multi-billionaire.
02:14:55.000 Yeah.
02:14:58.000 He has many billions of dollars.
02:15:00.000 The type of gold-digging hoes that must launch themselves in his direction...
02:15:06.000 I mean, it must be like, they must have to fight them off.
02:15:09.000 Like the Horde in Lord of the Rings.
02:15:09.000 Yeah.
02:15:11.000 I mean, he's worth a lot of fucking money.
02:15:16.000 A gal could just sneak in and take a piece of that.
02:15:19.000 You think he's peeled off a million here and there for women?
02:15:21.000 I think it wouldn't hurt him.
02:15:23.000 I think it wouldn't hurt him.
02:15:25.000 Baby, get something nice.
02:15:27.000 Go down to the gift shop, get yourself a little something.
02:15:29.000 He's not a business marauder just because he likes money.
02:15:36.000 He likes the whole thing.
02:15:37.000 He likes all of the above.
02:15:40.000 That's part of all of the above, of the massive success.
02:15:43.000 He can do whatever he wants.
02:15:44.000 He flies in his jet.
02:15:45.000 He's got billions of dollars.
02:15:46.000 He's got this super hot wife.
02:15:49.000 He's the president of the fucking United States now.
02:15:51.000 I mean, that's standard for his operational procedure.
02:15:55.000 He does whatever the fuck he wants.
02:15:56.000 Well, it's kind of animalistic because if you think about it, procreating is the most important thing, and you get to do that as a male when you are the most powerful.
02:16:08.000 So in the animal kingdom, all that...
02:16:12.000 Everything translates into being able to fuck the female.
02:16:14.000 And so for a guy like that, to be the most powerful man in his own mind means the spoils.
02:16:21.000 So the winner goes the spoils.
02:16:23.000 Plus he's heterosexual.
02:16:26.000 That boils it down.
02:16:27.000 He's a heterosexual man with a massive amount of money and power.
02:16:31.000 And now he's the president.
02:16:34.000 What the fuck?
02:16:36.000 We'll see what happens.
02:16:37.000 It's going to be interesting.
02:16:38.000 The interesting thing to me is now there's a guy who has been literally paying off politicians for the longest time, giving massive campaign contributions.
02:16:47.000 Now he's the president himself.
02:16:50.000 What's he going to do when he gets in there?
02:16:51.000 I mean he's even talked himself about how the electoral college is stupid and he's like, yeah, well we probably should go to the popular vote.
02:16:58.000 He goes, that would be a different race, though.
02:17:00.000 I didn't try to win the race.
02:17:02.000 Like, saying that she won the electoral vote, or that she won the popular vote, but he won the electoral college vote, and she won the popular vote by many hundreds of thousands.
02:17:12.000 Three million.
02:17:13.000 Or four million.
02:17:14.000 Is that true?
02:17:15.000 Three or four million.
02:17:16.000 Like, he was saying, well, that's a different race.
02:17:16.000 So that's the case.
02:17:19.000 Like, you could do a popular vote, and he goes, it'd actually be an easier race.
02:17:23.000 But it's a different race.
02:17:24.000 If you want to win the Electoral College, you've got to win those states.
02:17:27.000 It's just how it goes.
02:17:28.000 And he figured it out, and he did it.
02:17:29.000 And she even avoided those states to build Clinton's fucking angst, apparently.
02:17:34.000 He was furious at that.
02:17:35.000 There's some story that he threw a cell phone down.
02:17:37.000 He was yelling at her, you've got to go to these places.
02:17:39.000 You got a campaign.
02:17:40.000 She was like, those aren't my people.
02:17:42.000 Like, too many liberals thought they had it in the bag.
02:17:44.000 Too many liberals thought, well, everybody thinks the way I think.
02:17:47.000 And everybody I know thinks Trump can't be president.
02:17:50.000 There's people just all throughout those cornfields, just so happy.
02:17:55.000 So happy when he got in office, man.
02:17:57.000 There's a lot of Instagram posts that I follow, Instagram pages.
02:18:00.000 You go to people's pages, and it's all hashtag MAGA. Hashtag Make America Great Again.
02:18:06.000 Yee-haw!
02:18:07.000 Here's my pickup truck.
02:18:08.000 I'm going to make America great again.
02:18:09.000 I want to talk to every one of those motherfuckers in two years.
02:18:12.000 I want to talk to all of you face to face and have you account for yourselves.
02:18:16.000 Don't say that because then they're going to blame the liberals and you're a part of the liberal conspiracy.
02:18:20.000 The reason why Trump wasn't successful is because the liberal-backed Congress tried to interrupt the power structure.
02:18:27.000 Liberals don't back Congress.
02:18:29.000 Listen, man, I know how it works.
02:18:31.000 I go on Infowars.com.
02:18:33.000 I'll fucking tell you right now the Republicans have the right idea.
02:18:39.000 If he is not successful, he's got the Senate and Congress...
02:18:44.000 And the Supreme Court and the gubernatorial control.
02:18:48.000 He's got it all.
02:18:49.000 That's crazy.
02:18:50.000 If his agenda doesn't go through, he cannot blame the liberals for it.
02:18:53.000 I am hoping with great sincerity that we slowly phase out the idea of having one individual president.
02:19:01.000 I think it's ridiculous and I think it goes back to the ancient fucking primates and their alpha male king.
02:19:07.000 Especially when you start seeing families occupy that one throne.
02:19:12.000 Yeah.
02:19:12.000 Too many people.
02:19:13.000 Too many Bushes, too many Clintons.
02:19:15.000 Just stop.
02:19:17.000 And what if Donald Trump wins and then, you know, a few years down the road his son gets in?
02:19:17.000 Stop.
02:19:22.000 What if they're the next empire?
02:19:23.000 That easily could happen.
02:19:24.000 You know?
02:19:25.000 You never know.
02:19:27.000 The idea was great when we first started.
02:19:30.000 The idea was great to have one person who was really exceptional and have that one person lead.
02:19:35.000 But I think at this point in time, the collective strength of human beings has been demonstrated really clearly in this world.
02:19:42.000 The collective strength is far greater when everyone contributes, when it's a collective group of minds thinking and communicating about things.
02:19:50.000 And people go, oh, everybody's going to want their way.
02:19:53.000 We have to realize what's the right way.
02:19:56.000 There's too much debate back and forth about what's the left and what's the right.
02:20:00.000 What's the healthy way?
02:20:01.000 What's the correct way for the society to be even and smooth and your kids be able to walk to school in the morning without worrying about someone taking them and eating them?
02:20:11.000 You know like there was this fucking guy Jordan Peterson that I had on recently was talking about these posters that they put up in Russia in the 1930s saying don't eat your children Dude.
02:20:25.000 Yeah.
02:20:25.000 He was talking about Marxism and, you know, communism and where it can go awful and where a lot of these ridiculous posturing intellectuals that claim to be Marxists, they don't understand the consequences of Marxism.
02:20:35.000 And he does really, really well.
02:20:37.000 And so, you know, he talked about the Gulag Acapella and reading about all the different things that had happened to people that had become, you know, indoctrinated into these ideologies and then started carrying out these horrific crimes in the name of them and Fuck, it's terrifying.
02:20:52.000 You find out all the people who died because of communism.
02:20:55.000 Like, when you look at human history, it's just a bunch of people getting jacked.
02:20:59.000 Well, wait, so you're saying that there shouldn't be a strong leader or there should?
02:21:02.000 Because Marxism is without a strong leader then.
02:21:04.000 Well, I don't think there should be one person.
02:21:07.000 I think we should figure out who the top minds, as far as the people that want to contribute, who the top minds are and vet them out and have a whole goddamn panel of people.
02:21:20.000 What superhero movies would they go to?
02:21:24.000 Captain America?
02:21:25.000 A Council of Elders or some shit.
02:21:27.000 Oh, right.
02:21:27.000 They'd always have a bunch of wise men sitting around.
02:21:31.000 They would be glowing from behind.
02:21:32.000 Like some Thor type shit, right?
02:21:34.000 That's literally what we need.
02:21:36.000 But the elders is the problem because a lot of times these oligarchies become old people.
02:21:42.000 Like Congress, before Johnson came in, Congress was literally seniority.
02:21:49.000 Every committee in Congress was based on seniority.
02:21:52.000 The oldest motherfucker ran things.
02:21:55.000 That's so crazy.
02:21:56.000 And it was crazy.
02:21:57.000 And it totally backlogged any legislation.
02:22:00.000 And he came in and he broke that up.
02:22:02.000 He's alive the longest.
02:22:04.000 He knows the old ways.
02:22:05.000 He knows the old ways.
02:22:07.000 We will continue the old ways.
02:22:09.000 Put your powdered wig on.
02:22:11.000 How long were you away from that?
02:22:13.000 How long ago was the powdered wig?
02:22:15.000 200 years ago?
02:22:16.000 Not far enough.
02:22:16.000 What was the day where they were like, what the fuck are we doing?
02:22:20.000 I'm not wearing the wig, bro!
02:22:22.000 I'm not wearing the fucking wig.
02:22:23.000 Like, what day?
02:22:24.000 I should bring it back.
02:22:26.000 Fuck it, my hair fell out.
02:22:27.000 I'm going powdered wig.
02:22:28.000 I'll go with you.
02:22:29.000 At the comedy store.
02:22:30.000 You and me.
02:22:30.000 Me and you.
02:22:31.000 Fanny packs and powdered wigs.
02:22:32.000 Fuck yeah, the fanny pack's right here, dude.
02:22:34.000 Sitting right there on that.
02:22:35.000 That's right.
02:22:36.000 I wear mine all the time.
02:22:38.000 And my son gave me shit about it.
02:22:39.000 And then guess what?
02:22:40.000 What?
02:22:41.000 Six months later, he's like...
02:22:42.000 Dad, you still got that fanny pack?
02:22:43.000 Oh, he wants one.
02:22:44.000 Everybody's wearing those now.
02:22:45.000 I'll get him one.
02:22:46.000 Yeah?
02:22:46.000 Yeah, I've got some.
02:22:47.000 My Higher Primate ones.
02:22:48.000 The Roots ones.
02:22:49.000 I gave you one of those, didn't I? Yeah, I wear it all the time.
02:22:51.000 That's what I'm saying.
02:22:52.000 All praise be to Dice Clay.
02:22:54.000 He started it?
02:22:55.000 Dice Clay told me about it.
02:22:56.000 Yeah.
02:22:56.000 Well, I always wore fanny packs.
02:22:57.000 I've been wearing fanny packs forever, but they were crappy.
02:22:59.000 And then Dice Clay came in, and I went, what is this exceptional piece of hardware you have around your waist?
02:23:04.000 He's like, oh, you like this?
02:23:05.000 It's the best!
02:23:06.000 Oh!
02:23:07.000 It's from Roots.
02:23:07.000 Yes.
02:23:08.000 Roots makes this leather fanny pack.
02:23:11.000 It's fucking beautiful the way it clips together.
02:23:13.000 It's like it's perfect size.
02:23:15.000 I hate shit in my pockets.
02:23:16.000 It drives me crazy.
02:23:17.000 Look at me right now.
02:23:18.000 Phone is here.
02:23:19.000 I take everything out of my pockets wherever I go and I lose shit.
02:23:19.000 Glass there.
02:23:22.000 Bro, I'm wearing shorts.
02:23:23.000 Check that shit out.
02:23:24.000 There's nothing in my pockets.
02:23:26.000 That's it.
02:23:26.000 My little man bag.
02:23:27.000 I wore a fanny pack this morning.
02:23:29.000 I got a sports one because I ran.
02:23:31.000 Ooh, those are good.
02:23:32.000 And I put it around my waist.
02:23:34.000 The little sports ones.
02:23:36.000 Oh, yeah.
02:23:38.000 Oh, by the way, you shit my pants while running this morning.
02:23:40.000 No, did you?
02:23:41.000 Not hard.
02:23:42.000 It was a shart.
02:23:43.000 I was coming up a hill.
02:23:45.000 I was in mile four.
02:23:47.000 Had nothing left.
02:23:48.000 And I thought I had to fart and just bam, sharted my underwear.
02:23:53.000 I did that the other day in my house.
02:23:55.000 Yeah.
02:23:56.000 Just a little squirt.
02:23:57.000 I went, Jesus Christ.
02:23:58.000 Feels like such a failure.
02:23:59.000 But I had some good farts before that.
02:24:02.000 I got motivated because I had some rumblers.
02:24:02.000 That's the problem.
02:24:06.000 I had some rumblers.
02:24:06.000 You were on a roll.
02:24:08.000 Jesus!
02:24:09.000 And it was just me.
02:24:10.000 I didn't have to cover them from nobody.
02:24:12.000 So I was pausing and leaning into them.
02:24:14.000 Ugh.
02:24:16.000 And then it just, a little, I'm like, ah, fuck.
02:24:20.000 Fuck, that's a shower.
02:24:22.000 That's a shower.
02:24:23.000 But it was interesting because as soon as I got on the bowl, all of a sudden I had explosive diarrhea.
02:24:28.000 I'm like, where was this?
02:24:29.000 Yeah.
02:24:30.000 Like, I had no idea that some diarrhea was looming.
02:24:33.000 That's some holiday eating.
02:24:35.000 That's holiday eating.
02:24:36.000 Probably, yeah.
02:24:38.000 Creams and shit.
02:24:39.000 Well, also I go off the diet and I start eating, like, pumpkin pie and ice cream and shit.
02:24:44.000 Yeah, it's all the cream.
02:24:45.000 Yeah.
02:24:46.000 We had a lot of bread.
02:24:47.000 I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich last night.
02:24:50.000 But that is the ultimate failure because your job as a human is to provide for your family and not shit your pants.
02:24:56.000 You think about it all the time.
02:24:58.000 Every time you fart, there's a little moment where you weigh in on it.
02:25:03.000 You feel it out.
02:25:04.000 You feel your intestines, you feel your anus, you make a judgment call, and you let it rip.
02:25:09.000 What's interesting if you think about how tuned in you are to the sensations you get from your inner colon, because there's times you know, like, oh no, I'm about to shit my pants.
02:25:18.000 There's a certain alarm that goes off, like when you're like, oh, no, no, we're clenching a little too hard here.
02:25:25.000 Okay, we got a problem here, boys!
02:25:26.000 We got a runner!
02:25:27.000 We got a runner!
02:25:38.000 Clamping down and it's the same exact feeling that you get is when you're trying to hold cum in you know that shit yeah like I'm free super bad at clamping everything in like that I always say One day I'm going to try Tantra.
02:25:53.000 I'm going to learn how to completely...
02:25:54.000 Like guys say that you can have an internal orgasm where your contraction is so long that you cum but no cum comes out and your body just reabsorbs it and it makes you like super scion power.
02:26:05.000 I've choked one back.
02:26:07.000 Just gotta grab the base right before impact and squeeze really hard.
02:26:07.000 Wow.
02:26:11.000 It's gotta be long enough where it begins, but not so long that it comes out and I've pushed it back in again.
02:26:16.000 But what if you cause an injury?
02:26:18.000 Yeah, that's the problem.
02:26:19.000 What if you get crazy and you just really grab it?
02:26:21.000 That's why I've only done it a couple times.
02:26:23.000 Imagine if you broke your own dick because you grabbed it too hard?
02:26:28.000 Life would not be worth living.
02:26:28.000 Goddamn.
02:26:30.000 Can you imagine that?
02:26:31.000 Not having your dick cum anymore for the rest of your life and knowing that?
02:26:35.000 What percentage of your life revolves around getting rid of cum?
02:26:39.000 Once a day.
02:26:40.000 Okay, but once a day.
02:26:42.000 So if it's once a day, if it's even 45 minutes of your time, the other 23 hours and 15 minutes are bullshit.
02:26:49.000 You're thinking like, this is what I can't lose.
02:26:51.000 I can't lose...
02:26:52.000 All that other stuff.
02:26:56.000 Like if you said to a lot of guys, like if you had to choose between being blind or having your dick break, where your dick can never get it up again.
02:26:56.000 Embarrassing myself.
02:27:03.000 Oh, no question.
02:27:05.000 What would you say?
02:27:06.000 Give me the fucking stick and the dog.
02:27:15.000 Give me the Stevie Wonder glasses.
02:27:22.000 Very superstitious!
02:27:24.000 And he's getting laid after the show.
02:27:27.000 Man, I was driving last night and I was listening to that song.
02:27:31.000 You know, sometimes you go through your phone and you're looking at iTunes, like recently added, like, oh yeah, I forgot I bought this.
02:27:38.000 And I listened to some old school Stevie Wonder and I listened to that superstitious song.
02:27:42.000 I listened to it like three times in a row last night coming home from the comedy store.
02:27:47.000 I was like, God damn, that song was good.
02:27:48.000 Yeah.
02:27:50.000 He made some of the great...
02:27:52.000 I mean, just any time somebody can take soul and funk and bring it together, that to me is like...
02:27:57.000 We were talking about it last night.
02:27:58.000 I was talking to Dean Del Rey about soul and fucking earth, wind, and fire.
02:28:03.000 And who did I listen to yesterday?
02:28:06.000 Sly and the Family Stone.
02:28:07.000 When they're pounding that fucking bass and get a little fucking fast guitar going.
02:28:14.000 Yeah, man.
02:28:20.000 There was an amazing time of music in the 60s and 70s.
02:28:26.000 Sometimes I wonder if we have so much music that we're constantly cranking out.
02:28:33.000 How many people go back and check out some of the old stuff?
02:28:36.000 How much great shit just got kind of misplaced?
02:28:39.000 What's his name?
02:28:40.000 Bruno Mars is bringing back that sound a lot.
02:28:42.000 He does some cool shit that's got that sound.
02:28:44.000 He's got some great shit.
02:28:46.000 The Childish Gambino album.
02:28:47.000 I think I mentioned it to you.
02:28:48.000 It's almost like a funk album now.
02:28:50.000 Really?
02:28:51.000 People were expecting a hip-hop album from him because that's what he does usually, but it's a lot of, like, funkadelic, basically what you're describing.
02:28:58.000 You liked it?
02:28:59.000 Yeah, it's really good.
02:29:00.000 Were you sober?
02:29:01.000 That's the concert I did, the 1,200 milligrams of...
02:29:04.000 Edibles for, but I got the CD recently.
02:29:07.000 I bought it from my mom for Christmas.
02:29:08.000 Did you understand what he just said?
02:29:09.000 1,200 milligrams of edibles he did.
02:29:12.000 How much is a gummy bear?
02:29:14.000 I do like 20. I like 20. I like 30. Shut the fuck up.
02:29:17.000 That old brownie that was 1,000, because I knew it wasn't going to be a crazy concert.
02:29:20.000 They did this 3D... So I was going to go in.
02:29:24.000 Did you have to fight at any point or it was all mellow?
02:29:27.000 I was waiting for it to hit.
02:29:28.000 And it never hit.
02:29:29.000 See, here's the deal.
02:29:30.000 Jamie has some weird constitution where edible weed doesn't work on him.
02:29:35.000 Wow.
02:29:35.000 Yeah.
02:29:37.000 It never hit?
02:29:37.000 Legitimately.
02:29:38.000 I don't think so.
02:29:40.000 He's always a little high.
02:29:41.000 That's the problem.
02:29:42.000 His constitution is like a dude who's on a low dose of edibles all the time.
02:29:47.000 So I think when you give Jamie a high dose of edibles, his body goes, I know what to do with this.
02:29:52.000 And your body just clears it out of the way.
02:29:54.000 Interesting.
02:29:55.000 Just think it doesn't work on him.
02:29:56.000 He's an alien.
02:29:57.000 Huh.
02:29:58.000 I don't know what to do.
02:29:59.000 You'll be fine.
02:30:00.000 You take more than Joey Diaz?
02:30:01.000 He's given me plenty.
02:30:03.000 He gave me 800 during a show when he was on here, and I didn't...
02:30:07.000 I don't know, whatever.
02:30:08.000 Nothing happened.
02:30:09.000 Yeah, he never gets too high.
02:30:10.000 Goddamn.
02:30:11.000 But here's the thing.
02:30:11.000 He gets high when he smokes it.
02:30:13.000 Oh.
02:30:14.000 Yeah.
02:30:14.000 Super high.
02:30:15.000 Do you have to smoke a lot to get high?
02:30:16.000 No, not necessarily.
02:30:17.000 No, he's totally normal in that regard.
02:30:19.000 Yeah.
02:30:20.000 Like normal.
02:30:21.000 If we were all sitting around passing the joint, he would hit it the same amount as everybody else.
02:30:25.000 We'd all be looking at each other like, whoa.
02:30:27.000 There's been many a podcast we've done, including the beginning of this one, where as it starts out, you're like, whoa, I don't even know if I should be talking right now.
02:30:34.000 I'm barely holding on to the words as they're coming out of my mouth and forming them in the right way.
02:30:40.000 It's like they're little fucking clay kids that are running out of my mouth and I gotta like form them.
02:30:45.000 All right, put your hat on!
02:30:46.000 Sure, go!
02:30:50.000 Why are you upside down?
02:30:51.000 This new weed, it seems to be getting stronger.
02:30:55.000 This L.A. speed weed.
02:30:57.000 I want to know what's going on.
02:30:59.000 Since legalization hit, it feels like the weed went up a bump.
02:31:03.000 I recently asked for less than strong weed.
02:31:06.000 I wanted back in whatever I was getting back in Ohio, like middle, mid-weed.
02:31:11.000 What we used to call mids.
02:31:12.000 I just wanted to go back to the middle.
02:31:13.000 And he just gave me something that was like $5 cheaper.
02:31:15.000 I was like, no, that's not what I wanted.
02:31:17.000 I wanted your shittiest weed, basically.
02:31:19.000 Yeah, milder.
02:31:20.000 They don't even have it.
02:31:21.000 No, you just gotta take little baby hits.
02:31:23.000 But the problem is, everybody likes taking a couple hits.
02:31:26.000 Like, that's part of the fun.
02:31:27.000 You take a hit, take a couple hits.
02:31:30.000 But, like, last night at the comedy store, I went way too far.
02:31:33.000 Way too far.
02:31:34.000 How many hits is that?
02:31:35.000 I try not to get too high before the show.
02:31:38.000 I never get as high as I got before this show, before a stand-up show.
02:31:42.000 I like to be right where I am now, where I was high a couple hours ago, and then go on stage.
02:31:47.000 That's the best way to do it.
02:31:49.000 But afterwards, everybody was just passing joints around.
02:31:51.000 Since it's legal now, everybody just goes out and they're all just passing joints.
02:31:55.000 Hey man, you want some of this?
02:31:56.000 Fuck it.
02:31:57.000 And Ron White with his contraptions.
02:31:59.000 He's got the fucking pen.
02:32:00.000 He's got a joint.
02:32:02.000 He's got his own tequila and a cigar.
02:32:06.000 It's hilarious.
02:32:07.000 Who drove him home?
02:32:08.000 I don't know.
02:32:09.000 Somebody did.
02:32:10.000 I don't know what happened last night.
02:32:12.000 But he was talking about how he left.
02:32:14.000 Hey, I just left my truck back here.
02:32:16.000 Came back and got it.
02:32:19.000 It's an animal.
02:32:20.000 We need more people like him.
02:32:21.000 The last of the Mohicans, you know?
02:32:23.000 That's a real comic.
02:32:24.000 Yeah, that constitution.
02:32:24.000 My dad had that constitution, you know?
02:32:26.000 John Wayne, apparently, would be the last guy drinking.
02:32:29.000 And he drank whiskey.
02:32:31.000 And he'd be the first guy on set.
02:32:33.000 And he was on point for everything.
02:32:35.000 And if you were late, he was like, what the fuck?
02:32:37.000 I got a buddy of mine who's a firearms enthusiast in Vegas.
02:32:40.000 My buddy named Justin.
02:32:42.000 You know Justin.
02:32:43.000 Justin's a legit giant.
02:32:44.000 He's like seven feet tall, like 300 pounds, and a gun nut.
02:32:48.000 And he can put the booze away like nobody's business.
02:32:53.000 First of all, he's a legitimate 100 pounds bigger than me.
02:32:56.000 So I can't compete with him just liver-wise, just like volume-wise.
02:33:00.000 He's just way bigger.
02:33:01.000 His body just burns through it.
02:33:03.000 Come on, dude, we're drinking.
02:33:05.000 He's way too big and experienced.
02:33:08.000 He just puts it away.
02:33:09.000 What does he drink?
02:33:11.000 Makers and Coke, always.
02:33:13.000 Makers and Coke.
02:33:14.000 Always Makers and Coke.
02:33:15.000 You know what to get him.
02:33:16.000 You don't have to ask.
02:33:16.000 There he is right there.
02:33:18.000 And if he gets a meal, does he have to—wow, goddamn.
02:33:21.000 He's a legit giant.
02:33:23.000 He's the sweetest guy in the world, too.
02:33:24.000 Super, super good dude.
02:33:26.000 So he's in for two entrees and a meal.
02:33:28.000 Oh, dude, we feast in Vegas.
02:33:30.000 You go to that place—what's the place you told me, the Brazilian place you took me?
02:33:34.000 Oh, Fogo de Chow?
02:33:35.000 We've been to Texas, Brazil.
02:33:35.000 Did you guys go there?
02:33:37.000 All you can eat.
02:33:37.000 Yeah.
02:33:38.000 We go to, there's a bunch of good steakhouses, like Kraft Steak and Strip Steak.
02:33:44.000 One of them is the MGM, and one of them is at Mandalay.
02:33:46.000 I always forget which one's which.
02:33:48.000 Kraft Steak is MGM, right?
02:33:49.000 That one's the shit.
02:33:51.000 There's one at the Palm, I think, called Nine.
02:33:53.000 Oh, so good.
02:33:54.000 Yeah.
02:33:55.000 Yeah, that place is amazing.
02:33:57.000 That place is amazing.
02:33:58.000 Big UFC this weekend, dude.
02:34:00.000 I'm leaving tomorrow.
02:34:00.000 After what?
02:34:01.000 Oh, are you?
02:34:02.000 Yeah, UFC this weekend.
02:34:03.000 New Year's Eve?
02:34:04.000 No, it's the day before New Year's Eve to not compete with New Year's Eve.
02:34:08.000 It's the 30th.
02:34:09.000 So it's Friday night, which is super, super rare.
02:34:12.000 And it's the return of Ronda Rousey.
02:34:14.000 Wow.
02:34:15.000 Yeah.
02:34:16.000 She's fighting.
02:34:17.000 She's fighting the champion, Amanda Nunes.
02:34:19.000 Very intense matchup.
02:34:21.000 Ronda Rousey has been training like a fucking demon, man.
02:34:24.000 It's crazy.
02:34:25.000 It's kind of frightening.
02:34:26.000 So are you doing a show while you're out there?
02:34:28.000 No, not this time.
02:34:29.000 This time I'm hanging out.
02:34:31.000 Just going to hang out with some friends during town.
02:34:34.000 I don't want to always do shows.
02:34:36.000 Like tomorrow night I'm going to work out with Mark Della Grotte.
02:34:39.000 He's a kickboxing trainer that's a real good buddy of mine who works for the UFC. And he's going to be there.
02:34:43.000 So we'll do the weigh-ins, go get something to eat, and go to the gym.
02:34:47.000 Go whack some pads around.
02:34:48.000 It's fun.
02:34:49.000 Just relax.
02:34:51.000 Take the weekend off.
02:34:52.000 Because I come in to read the weigh-ins.
02:34:54.000 On the one day, which, this way, usually it's Friday, but it'll be Thursday now.
02:34:58.000 And then the fights are on Friday night.
02:35:00.000 And then, do you do much prep?
02:35:02.000 Do you have to, like, review stats and stuff?
02:35:04.000 Most of the prep I do, I just do naturally, believe it or not, because I'm just curious about the fights.
02:35:09.000 Because I know they're coming up, so, like, we did a breakdown show on, um...
02:35:13.000 Monday?
02:35:13.000 Yeah.
02:35:14.000 On Monday we did a breakdown show.
02:35:15.000 We went over the card.
02:35:16.000 And I'll do more of that on my own.
02:35:18.000 But it's not like anybody asked me to do it.
02:35:20.000 And it's not like...
02:35:21.000 I'm doing it because I want to do it.
02:35:23.000 I'm doing it because it enhances my appreciation of the fights.
02:35:27.000 Find out a little bit about each dude.
02:35:28.000 Watch a few of his old fights.
02:35:30.000 Go, ooh, I like how he does this.
02:35:31.000 Or look how she does that.
02:35:32.000 Or, oh, this guy's got one good position.
02:35:35.000 Like, if he gets you in this position, he finishes this guy.
02:35:37.000 It's like there's...
02:35:37.000 So it's fun to do it from that perspective.
02:35:40.000 So then when I'm watching the fight, I've got kind of an understanding of at least how they used to move six months ago or a year ago.
02:35:47.000 People get better quick, too.
02:35:49.000 That's the other weird thing about this world.
02:35:51.000 The MMA world is changing so fast, the level of athlete is moving in such a fast direction.
02:35:57.000 These guys keep getting better and better and better and better and better.
02:36:00.000 And they're all getting better, so it's hard to tell.
02:36:02.000 But when you compare a top-level athlete of today versus a top-level athlete of 20 years ago, that's when you see these stark, gigantic differences.
02:36:13.000 When the UFC started in 1993 in comparison to 2016, just stark, crazy differences.
02:36:19.000 But you're not going to see guys stay at the top as long, you think?
02:36:19.000 Yeah.
02:36:23.000 Well, some guys can, or some girls can, you know, depending on how good they are.
02:36:26.000 Some people just have massive advantages that are very difficult to overcome, like Anderson Silva when he was in his prime.
02:36:32.000 Anderson Silva had a massive advantage in timing and speed and creativity and striking, whereas he could defend himself on the ground, he was difficult to take down, and when he got him down, he's pretty good defensively with his guard.
02:36:43.000 But standing up, he's a goddamn genius.
02:36:46.000 He was a virtuoso.
02:36:47.000 And he would just move on you and do weird shit to you and then BLAM! Catch you with a front kick to the face or something.
02:36:54.000 He would time you, figure you out, find your distance, and then land some crazy shit on you and fuck you up.
02:36:59.000 And he did it to so many people.
02:37:01.000 So when a guy like that is at the top, he's so truly exceptional at one particular aspect of the game, a lot of times they can go on a good run.
02:37:10.000 So it's hard.
02:37:11.000 It's hard for people to go on a run.
02:37:12.000 Demetrius Mighty Mouse Johnson's probably on the longest run as a champion now, I think.
02:37:17.000 Is he on the longest run?
02:37:19.000 The most wins as a champion?
02:37:20.000 I think he might be right up there with Anderson in the most wins.
02:37:25.000 And then maybe Jon Jones is in there, too.
02:37:26.000 What weight is he?
02:37:27.000 He's the smallest guy.
02:37:29.000 He's 125. He's the flyweight champion.
02:37:31.000 But in my opinion, he's the best pound-for-pound guy.
02:37:35.000 Because if you look at, like...
02:37:37.000 He's definitely smaller than the other guys.
02:37:38.000 He can move differently because he's not so weighed down by gravity.
02:37:42.000 So it's very difficult to look at his movements and say, well, you could compare him to a guy like Fabricio Verdun who's 240 pounds.
02:37:50.000 Fabricio's just more hampered down by gravity.
02:37:52.000 His body just has to push around so much more.
02:37:55.000 There's no way he can move with the kind of fluidity that a guy like Mighty Mouse can.
02:38:00.000 And what's the biggest guy that Mighty Mouse will fight?
02:38:02.000 Anderson Silva, 10-fight win streak, and Demetrius Johnson is at 8, right below George St. Pierre, which is at 9. He's at 9 now, I think.
02:38:08.000 This is as of July.
02:38:09.000 Oh, okay.
02:38:10.000 So Demetrius defended his title again recently, so he's tied with George St. Pierre for second place.
02:38:15.000 So that's, you know, like a guy like Anderson, perfect example.
02:38:18.000 Super tough.
02:38:19.000 John Jones, another one, perfect example.
02:38:21.000 John Jones is a ridiculously talented athlete.
02:38:23.000 So like when you have these like really, really talented guys, like extreme outliers, they tend to be able to go on rolls.
02:38:29.000 Also because when you fight them, it's terrifying.
02:38:32.000 Because you know you're stepping in there with the alpha.
02:38:34.000 You're stepping in there with Anderson Silva in his prime and he bows to you and you're like, oh my god, what the fuck have I gotten myself into?
02:38:41.000 Yeah.
02:38:41.000 You know?
02:38:42.000 Yeah.
02:38:43.000 You can pump yourself up for it and get yourself thinking, like, I'm the fucking man now.
02:38:47.000 But, like, when you're actually across the street from the man, and you're looking at each other eye to eye, and you realize, like, that's Anderson motherfucking Silva.
02:38:55.000 I'm about to step into the ring, step into the octagon, rather, with the best ever.
02:39:00.000 You're doing Hanson on the edge of a tall building.
02:39:02.000 Yeah.
02:39:04.000 So it's hard for them to get over that.
02:39:05.000 It takes a super strong mind just to be able to fight at your best.
02:39:09.000 Whether or not your best is even good enough, that's another aspect of the fight.
02:39:14.000 Whether or not your best is good enough is really secondary because you're not going to be able to be at your best.
02:39:19.000 You're going to be so freaked out and so fucking nervous.
02:39:22.000 Your timing's going to be off.
02:39:23.000 Your adrenaline is going to be fucking pumping through your veins.
02:39:26.000 You might get an adrenaline dump, so you might tire out in the second round.
02:39:29.000 You gotta manage your resources, you gotta manage your anxiety, and you're facing a goddamn ninja.
02:39:35.000 Like a real live superhero character.
02:39:38.000 And he's seeing all of those weaknesses in you.
02:39:41.000 He sees everything.
02:39:42.000 He sees everything too when you start moving around.
02:39:45.000 When you would move around with him, he would move around with you and he would see how you move, whether or not you move slow.
02:39:50.000 Like he would take his time.
02:39:51.000 He would take his time and then just open up on guys.
02:39:54.000 Fascinating to watch him, man, because he would dissect guys.
02:39:57.000 You'd see him dissecting guys.
02:39:59.000 He'd be bouncing around and moving.
02:40:00.000 He would change his footwork.
02:40:01.000 He would throw a little fake your way and see how you react.
02:40:04.000 You go, I could have hit you right there.
02:40:06.000 Okay, I see what's going on here.
02:40:07.000 And then you do some stuff at him.
02:40:09.000 He's like, no, not today.
02:40:10.000 Not today with that.
02:40:11.000 And you would see him doing all these calculations in his mind and setting up traps.
02:40:16.000 And then somewhere in the second round, he would attack.
02:40:19.000 And when he was in his prime, it was just stunning to behold.
02:40:23.000 Here he is right now.
02:40:24.000 He's standing in front of this guy, hands down, and he just barely moves his head out of the way.
02:40:29.000 He's like, just timing him, just trying to figure out, and then plop!
02:40:32.000 Pops him with a jab and drops him.
02:40:35.000 I mean, you're watching all this in slow motion, too, unfortunately.
02:40:38.000 But this was when he fought Yushin Okami.
02:40:41.000 I mean, he was just an assassin back then.
02:40:43.000 He was so good.
02:40:44.000 That's when he was the middleweight champion.
02:40:46.000 And he was just lighting people up in there, man.
02:40:49.000 So he'll let a guy get up because he's better on his feet.
02:40:53.000 He didn't give a fuck, dude.
02:40:54.000 Go to Anderson Silva Highlight Reel.
02:40:55.000 See if you can find that.
02:40:56.000 He didn't give a fuck.
02:40:58.000 If you were on your feet, you were going to get knocked out against him in his prime.
02:41:01.000 That was his attitude.
02:41:02.000 He would stand with anybody.
02:41:04.000 I mean, his stand-up was so exceptional.
02:41:06.000 But he's still fighting.
02:41:07.000 Yeah, he's still fighting.
02:41:08.000 But he's 40 or 41 now.
02:41:11.000 And that's the only fucking thing in the world that's undefeated is father time, man.
02:41:15.000 Just check this shit out.
02:41:16.000 This is him when he was in his prime.
02:41:19.000 He just slides out of the way and drops that dude with a punch.
02:41:23.000 I mean, he just had a way of moving.
02:41:27.000 Just see if you have a highlight reel, not just this one fight.
02:41:32.000 Oh, this highlight tribute?
02:41:33.000 Oh, okay.
02:41:34.000 I see.
02:41:35.000 But it's just the same fight a couple times in a row.
02:41:38.000 This guy had a real good chance against him.
02:41:40.000 Travis Luter.
02:41:41.000 This is a bunch of people that he fought.
02:41:42.000 They're showing.
02:41:44.000 He was so goddamn good.
02:41:45.000 That's Travis Luter caught in a triangle getting elbowed in the head.
02:41:50.000 He just was at that time in particular, he was the next level of striking.
02:41:56.000 Because we had never seen anybody who had, like, real world-class striking skills in the middleweight division like Anderson did.
02:42:06.000 He just had, especially in particular, MMA striking skills.
02:42:08.000 Well, his feet are just grounded.
02:42:10.000 His balance is amazing.
02:42:11.000 Well, he was just exceptional.
02:42:14.000 Truly exceptional.
02:42:15.000 And physically strong, for sure.
02:42:17.000 But the big thing about Anderson wasn't, like, how big he was.
02:42:20.000 It was just how technical he was.
02:42:23.000 And how brilliant his ability to figure guys out was.
02:42:28.000 This was a guy he fought named Lee Murray.
02:42:30.000 Lee Murray is a guy who put on the biggest bank robbery in the history of Great Britain.
02:42:37.000 That guy stole hundreds of millions of dollars, allegedly, from a bank and is in jail.
02:42:41.000 I think in Morocco now because of it.
02:42:43.000 But he was an assassin too.
02:42:45.000 And they two met up and Anderson Silva lit him on fire.
02:42:48.000 Yeah.
02:42:49.000 Just fucked him up.
02:42:50.000 Just stood right in front of him.
02:42:51.000 Leg kicked the shit out of him.
02:42:52.000 Beat his ass.
02:42:53.000 Took his best shots.
02:42:54.000 He was so good.
02:42:55.000 So are you friends with Silva?
02:42:57.000 I see him.
02:42:57.000 I know him.
02:42:58.000 He doesn't speak English that good.
02:42:59.000 But I always give him a hug when I see him.
02:43:01.000 He's a very nice guy.
02:43:02.000 And...
02:43:02.000 Yeah.
02:43:03.000 Again, he's the greatest of all time, if you're a fan of the sport.
02:43:06.000 In my opinion, that guy, when he was in his...
02:43:07.000 There's a few-year period where someone can exist at the highest of RPMs.
02:43:13.000 And when he was in the highest of RPMs, the argument is really between him...
02:43:17.000 And maybe Fedor Emelianenko, who fought in Pride.
02:43:20.000 I think Fedor is a real possibility.
02:43:24.000 Like, I definitely could see the argument that he was number one instead of Anderson.
02:43:29.000 But it's really, like, who the fuck knows?
02:43:31.000 They fought in different organizations.
02:43:32.000 They fought different people.
02:43:33.000 You know, I think the talent level is probably a little bit better in the UFC. But it's arguable that it wasn't because, you know, he was fighting...
02:43:41.000 Krokop in his prime and Noguera in his prime and Fedor fought some of the all-time greats at their best and beat him.
02:43:48.000 So it's arguable that he fought a tougher range of opponents.
02:43:52.000 So maybe it's arguable that Fedor's accomplishments are more impressive because the opposition he fought was bigger, more dangerous.
02:43:59.000 He fought Krokop when Krokop was just an assassin, just smashing people, knocking everybody dead.
02:44:04.000 And he walked him down and out-kickboxed him.
02:44:07.000 Mostly.
02:44:08.000 That's mostly what the fight was about.
02:44:09.000 So when you get to know these guys, I'm sure you're more friendly with some than others.
02:44:14.000 Is that hard to affect the way you call the fights in terms of being critical?
02:44:21.000 It can be.
02:44:22.000 I try not to make it though.
02:44:23.000 I try really hard to be as objective as possible about what I'm saying.
02:44:29.000 And sometimes people get upset that I'm friends with because I'm talking about things that they're doing wrong or things that are going wrong for them.
02:44:37.000 And so they'll think that I'm rooting against them.
02:44:39.000 And I'm like, look, I'm not.
02:44:40.000 And they'll say something to you about it?
02:44:41.000 Yeah, I'll have conversations with them.
02:44:42.000 I'm like, dude, I am not rooting against you.
02:44:44.000 This is what I'm seeing.
02:44:45.000 I'm seeing this.
02:44:47.000 I know you're thinking that you're winning this part of the fight or you're thinking that I'm being hypercritical.
02:44:51.000 But I have to say it if I'm seeing it.
02:44:54.000 And I try really hard to have a point.
02:44:57.000 I'm not a critical person.
02:44:59.000 I'm mocking someone for no reason or...
02:45:04.000 Talking in a negative way about their technique for no reason.
02:45:07.000 It's only because it's not happening, and I want everybody to know what's going wrong.
02:45:10.000 You're pointing out the momentum of the fight.
02:45:11.000 Also, I want to know what's going on that's wrong.
02:45:15.000 Because your job as a commentator is not just to say what's happening and talk about what's happening, but in MMA, it's also to explain things.
02:45:25.000 I have to explain certain things that are critical in a fight.
02:45:30.000 Like, say if someone gets kicked in the leg really hard a few times, you see him start to limp on it.
02:45:34.000 I have to point out that I see him limping.
02:45:36.000 Now, this is going to be a huge issue if he tries to shoot in or if he wants to move away.
02:45:40.000 It's going to hinder his mobility.
02:45:41.000 It's very important.
02:45:42.000 So then the people at home, now they go, okay, well, that makes sense.
02:45:45.000 Oh, yeah, look, that guy is limping.
02:45:46.000 Oh, shit, he got hit in that same spot again.
02:45:48.000 Now he's on the ground again.
02:45:49.000 Oh, my God, he can't get up.
02:45:50.000 Like, I see it now.
02:45:51.000 So you know patterns.
02:45:53.000 You're a storyteller.
02:45:54.000 You're also...
02:45:54.000 Yes.
02:45:55.000 You're talking about a mathematical problem, essentially.
02:45:59.000 A problem that's being duked out.
02:46:01.000 There's literally a force problem.
02:46:03.000 It's like this versus this.
02:46:06.000 And you're trying to get there faster.
02:46:09.000 You're trying to hit harder in the better positions.
02:46:12.000 So like the geometry of the human body, you're trying to accelerate towards the vulnerable areas and do it better.
02:46:18.000 So what are the best ways to do that?
02:46:19.000 And then there's a science and art behind doing it in the best way.
02:46:23.000 And it's my job To explain that science and art to the best I can live, in motion, while it's all happening.
02:46:30.000 I can't be biased.
02:46:32.000 I try very hard to not be.
02:46:34.000 Because it's really important that I point out both sides.
02:46:37.000 And sometimes people accuse you of it, and I swear to God, if you do feel that I'm doing it, it is absolutely not intentional.
02:46:43.000 I try very hard to try to be as balanced and unbiased as I can while explaining exactly what I see playing out.
02:46:51.000 Even with my friends.
02:46:53.000 I'll see my friend getting fucked up.
02:46:55.000 And I'm like, he can't drop that right hand.
02:46:57.000 He's dropping that right hand, the guy's stepping to the right, and he's gonna catch him.
02:47:00.000 And then, boom, when they catch him, they're like, fuck!
02:47:02.000 Like, you see it happening sometimes before they can see it.
02:47:06.000 Does that ever affect how close you let yourself get to a fighter?
02:47:09.000 No.
02:47:10.000 No.
02:47:10.000 No, I respect them all very deeply, you know, and I'm really good friends with a lot of them.
02:47:15.000 And I want the best for all of them.
02:47:18.000 And that sounds contradictory.
02:47:19.000 It sounds like impossible.
02:47:20.000 Like, someone will think, like, if they fight that person, and they hate that person, and you like that person, but you like them, like, you're a traitor or something.
02:47:27.000 Or, like, how can you talk to that person?
02:47:29.000 How can you talk to him?
02:47:30.000 He's my mortal enemy.
02:47:32.000 But look, man.
02:47:33.000 I hate the fact that you guys are enemies.
02:47:35.000 I don't know how much of it's real, how much of it you're doing for press, but I'm not happy with it.
02:47:40.000 But I like the guy.
02:47:41.000 He's a good guy.
02:47:42.000 I can be friends with somebody that you're not friends with.
02:47:45.000 Like if you have some guy that you don't like, you would have to have a good reason.
02:47:49.000 You know, like somebody fucked you over.
02:47:50.000 It couldn't be like a competitive reason, like two guys who fought and they're bitter about it.
02:47:54.000 You know what I mean?
02:47:55.000 If you told me about some guy who fucked you over in a business deal or something like that, I'd be like, oh, well, fuck that guy.
02:48:01.000 That guy did something wrong.
02:48:03.000 But if it's just a competitor, like that fucking guy, I tried to follow him in Miami and I bombed.
02:48:07.000 Fuck him.
02:48:08.000 You're like, oh, that guy kicked your ass.
02:48:10.000 With a lot of fighters, they develop these very...
02:48:14.000 These deeply conflicting relationships with fellow fighters.
02:48:20.000 You can't get too close to them because then you're going to have to fight them.
02:48:24.000 Some guys don't give a fuck.
02:48:25.000 Some guys become friends with guys and then wind up fighting them.
02:48:28.000 Oh, yeah.
02:48:29.000 Is there any stories of that happening?
02:48:31.000 A lot of guys.
02:48:32.000 A lot of guys have done that.
02:48:33.000 A lot of guys, they started out friends, and then because they had to fight each other, like Jon Jones and Rashad Evans, that was a big story.
02:48:39.000 Like, Rashad Evans was like Jon Jones' bigger, older brother.
02:48:42.000 And they were real close.
02:48:43.000 And then when Jon fought for the title, he fought for the title because Rashad was injured, and Jon won the title.
02:48:49.000 Jon stepped in on short notice, won the title, and then it became a possibility of one day Rashad fighting Jon for the title.
02:48:56.000 And then they wound up getting super bitter about it and not liking each other anymore.
02:49:01.000 It's really interesting to watch.
02:49:02.000 But that's just one example.
02:49:04.000 There's a lot of guys who are close.
02:49:06.000 Close guys.
02:49:07.000 They're buddies with each other.
02:49:08.000 And they get in there and they beat the fuck out of each other.
02:49:10.000 It's crazy.
02:49:10.000 Yeah.
02:49:11.000 It's like with comedians.
02:49:11.000 How do you not get close?
02:49:13.000 You talk about hanging out at the store.
02:49:15.000 It's like, I can't talk.
02:49:18.000 Somebody was telling me about he hates being called a legend.
02:49:21.000 Who said that?
02:49:22.000 I'm not gonna say who.
02:49:23.000 Is he a legend?
02:49:24.000 Yeah.
02:49:25.000 Oh.
02:49:26.000 Don Gavin?
02:49:27.000 No, I mean, and the point was like...
02:49:30.000 You don't want to tell me?
02:49:31.000 Nobody else is going to know.
02:49:32.000 Just tell me.
02:49:33.000 It was Ron White.
02:49:34.000 Oh.
02:49:35.000 He's a legend.
02:49:35.000 He is.
02:49:36.000 He's a legend.
02:49:37.000 He's a legend.
02:49:37.000 But I think he got an intro of being a legend the other night.
02:49:40.000 He was saying to me, I fucking hate that because I'm in here scrapping like everybody else.
02:49:45.000 These lineups are kill.
02:49:47.000 The lineup the other night was like D'Elia and you and him and Jesselnik and Spade.
02:49:54.000 And it's like on any given night, you don't want to be called the legend because that just immediately puts you on a shelf instead of in the fight.
02:50:01.000 And so anyway, he said that to me and the reason I want to say it is...
02:50:06.000 I can see somebody taking that out of context and going like, oh, you hate being called a legend.
02:50:11.000 But it's like, I've been called that by young comics.
02:50:14.000 And it's like, don't call me a fucking legend because, first of all, I didn't earn it.
02:50:19.000 And second of all, I'm still playing the game.
02:50:21.000 I'm still on the roster here.
02:50:24.000 Yeah, you have to be.
02:50:25.000 But I was just thinking, you can't have that conversation with somebody who's not doing what we do.
02:50:30.000 Because it would almost sound like you're fully yourself.
02:50:34.000 And the same thing with fighters.
02:50:36.000 There's probably things that they can only talk to each other about that they could never talk to straight people about because they just haven't been there.
02:50:42.000 Oh, for sure.
02:50:43.000 So how do you not get close to other fighters that you might have to fight one day?
02:50:46.000 Especially when there's a lot of guys in the same weight in the same camp, which is very beneficial.
02:50:51.000 Because if you get a bunch of really good guys, like Team Alpha Male is a perfect example of that.
02:50:55.000 There's all these guys that are around the 135 to 155 pound weight class.
02:51:01.000 Bunch of really elite guys, and 125 even.
02:51:03.000 But a lot of elite guys in the lower weight classes.
02:51:05.000 And they all train together, but they never fight each other.
02:51:08.000 Then they had a big falling out because TJ Dillashaw won the title, and then he left Team Alpha Male and went to Denver, and now they don't like each other.
02:51:15.000 There's so much camaraderie and teams, and there's this weird sort of tribal bond that goes with teams.
02:51:23.000 You know, the teams that compete against other teams.
02:51:25.000 Oh, they're like gangs.
02:51:26.000 In a lot of ways.
02:51:26.000 Mm-hmm.
02:51:28.000 But, you know...
02:51:30.000 They're not criminals.
02:51:32.000 They're just a bunch of dudes that are bonded together and women too.
02:51:35.000 A lot of fucking serious, hardcore women in the sport now.
02:51:39.000 There's Amanda Nunes, the world champion.
02:51:41.000 She's the first openly gay MMA fighter.
02:51:44.000 She's a champion, rather.
02:51:46.000 First openly gay MMA champion.
02:51:47.000 And she's the women's 135-pound fighter.
02:51:50.000 She's the one who's going to fight Ronda Rousey.
02:51:52.000 Where's she from?
02:51:53.000 She's from Brazil.
02:51:54.000 She lives in Florida.
02:51:55.000 She trains an American Top Team.
02:51:57.000 It's like the big camp.
02:51:59.000 It's like there's a few big camps all throughout the world, but when it comes to elite level MMA fighters, who's got the biggest amount of them, it's between Jackson's in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and Miami, American Top Team.
02:52:13.000 They just have so many fucking elite fighters.
02:52:16.000 Must be tough for her to train with people if she's that good.
02:52:19.000 To find somebody who's a peer.
02:52:20.000 No, she fucking fights with dudes.
02:52:22.000 That's what she does.
02:52:24.000 Spars with dudes, I'm sure.
02:52:25.000 A lot of them do.
02:52:26.000 Almost all women spar with dudes, at least somewhat.
02:52:31.000 Most of the dudes, at least in high-level camps, are very respectful.
02:52:36.000 They're not going to try to hurt a woman.
02:52:38.000 The best people in the best camps now realize the damage that you take in sparring.
02:52:44.000 It's like a frequent conversation now.
02:52:46.000 It's like to not spar hard.
02:52:49.000 Sparring should almost be technical and playing and very light so you're not damaging your body.
02:52:54.000 You're not taking unnecessary shots to the head.
02:52:56.000 You're not kicking people to the leg.
02:52:57.000 Well, you kick them a little bit in the leg.
02:52:59.000 It's not bad.
02:53:00.000 But the problem is the head.
02:53:01.000 That's the real problem.
02:53:03.000 And even kicking them in the leg, there's no reason to kick someone full blast.
02:53:06.000 You kick the bag full blast.
02:53:08.000 You don't need to kick a person full blast.
02:53:10.000 And so these big teams, the more talent you get in one weight class, the more you get a bunch of sharks circling the same seal or whatever the fuck you would...
02:53:21.000 Whatever the analogy you would want.
02:53:22.000 You get better, more competition.
02:53:24.000 You get better interaction.
02:53:26.000 As long as there's a good camaraderie between all the fighters.
02:53:28.000 But it's so hard to maintain.
02:53:30.000 They almost always wind up getting mad at each other.
02:53:33.000 Somebody fucking hits somebody after practice.
02:53:36.000 There's always some thing where they're going to have to fight some days.
02:53:39.000 They talk shit to each other.
02:53:41.000 Yeah.
02:53:41.000 Well, also, I mean, I'm sure you know a lot more about this than I do, but the people that will be drawn to a sport like this might be contentious people.
02:53:50.000 They might be people that have pretty good-sized egos and are maybe confrontational, and so those people aren't going to necessarily always interact that well with others.
02:53:59.000 Quite a few of them, for sure.
02:54:01.000 It's one of the more fascinating things about MMA. You'd be amazed at how many college-educated, very reasonable, rational people just view it as the ultimate extreme challenge.
02:54:01.000 But you'd be amazed.
02:54:10.000 Whether it be riding a fucking snowboard off the top of a mountain, you get dropped off in a helicopter and you go down the side of a cliff...
02:54:18.000 Those kind of people.
02:54:19.000 Those kind of extreme athlete people that might have gotten into BMX riding or might have gotten into a lot of things that we don't think of as being violent and aggressive, but they're ultra risk-taking sports.
02:54:31.000 And the reward that comes from doing a flip when you're BMX jumping and you flip through the air and land on your feet, that's a I'm cheating death thing.
02:54:41.000 And those same people, I think, a lot of elite ones, they're getting interested in possibly competing in MMA and taking that risk and challenging themselves in that way.
02:54:51.000 So you're seeing a lot of very smart people, man.
02:54:56.000 At the highest level, you have to be smart.
02:54:59.000 If you talk to a guy like Jon Jones, he might make some poor decisions with his life because he parties a lot and he's kind of crazy, but he's very smart.
02:55:05.000 When you talk to him and you look in his eyes, whether or not he has access to the same vocabulary as Christopher Hitchens did, no, maybe not, but he's a fucking genius in fighting.
02:55:16.000 He knows how to figure people out.
02:55:17.000 He knows how to fight under pressure as good as anybody alive.
02:55:20.000 And when you talk to him, he's very engaging.
02:55:23.000 He's not in any way stupid.
02:55:26.000 He's a very smart guy.
02:55:27.000 He has his interests and his focus.
02:55:29.000 And if his focus and his interests were in intellectual pursuits, if that was really what stimulated him and made him want to follow through on something like that, I'm sure he'd be really good in that too.
02:55:40.000 I would say it's really easy for people to sort of discredit someone and someone's intellectual capacity just because they're a fighter.
02:55:47.000 I wasn't talking about intellect.
02:55:47.000 I was just talking about in terms of alpha status, that it is hard to put a bunch of alpha people near each other without a little bit of, you know, banging elbows.
02:55:56.000 Yes, but my point is that less than you would think it would be.
02:56:00.000 Much more camaraderie and much more social, like very reasonable interaction, gentleman interaction than you would imagine.
02:56:08.000 There's much more of that.
02:56:09.000 But the problem is a guy like Conor McGregor comes along, and he talks mad shit, and he lights the world on fire.
02:56:15.000 And everybody wants to talk shit now.
02:56:17.000 And I get it.
02:56:18.000 I get it.
02:56:18.000 I mean, it sells pay-per-view.
02:56:21.000 It's good for the sport.
02:56:21.000 It's fun to watch.
02:56:22.000 They make more money if they talk shit, right?
02:56:24.000 Dude, they just released this thing.
02:56:26.000 Someone did it on how much Conor McGregor.
02:56:28.000 He sold more pay-per-views in a year than the entire roster combined.
02:56:37.000 You compare all the other fights of like, I forget how it was done, but Brendan Schaub sent it to me.
02:56:43.000 Did he send it to you, Jamie?
02:56:44.000 No, but I saw it.
02:56:45.000 I'll try to find it out.
02:56:47.000 And what kind of money are we talking about?
02:56:48.000 I don't know what he gets paid.
02:56:50.000 I don't know how much he gets per pay-per-view, but look at this.
02:56:54.000 The entire roster drew 3.3 to 3.2 million in 2014. Conor McGregor drew double that on his own in 12 months.
02:57:06.000 While GSP holds the record for the most pay-per-view buys in total, because he had a lot of pay-per-views more than Conor, Conor holds basically every other pay-per-view record.
02:57:15.000 McGregor has drawn an insane 6.85 million buys in just 15 months.
02:57:22.000 Holy shit.
02:57:25.000 Wow.
02:57:25.000 He drew twice as many buys in one year than the entire UFC roster in 2014. Just his fights.
02:57:33.000 So what's he making?
02:57:36.000 Well, that's a good question.
02:57:38.000 Like, he was saying recently that he wouldn't fight unless it's, well, actually, Nate Diaz was saying that he wouldn't fight, rather, who was his opponent in the last, not his last fight, which was Eddie Alvarez,
02:57:53.000 but the fight before that.
02:57:54.000 There was a rematch with Nate.
02:57:55.000 Nate beat him in the first fight, and then it was a real close fight in the second fight, and Conor won a decision.
02:58:00.000 And Nate's saying that he won't fight unless he gets $20 million.
02:58:03.000 And a lot of people say, well, that's too much.
02:58:05.000 He's not going to get paid that.
02:58:06.000 I don't know how much money is there.
02:58:10.000 Let's look at it this way.
02:58:11.000 What do you mean, $20 million in purse or in endorsements?
02:58:15.000 Well, it's all going to be purse.
02:58:17.000 And pay-per-view is separate than purse.
02:58:19.000 Right.
02:58:20.000 Well, no, no, no.
02:58:21.000 Pay-per-view is based on purse, or purse is based on pay-per-view.
02:58:24.000 You get points, or you get a piece of the action, or you can get a guarantee.
02:58:28.000 So if it's going to be a guarantee, say if that's what he said, and obviously I'm not a mathematician, we know this, right?
02:58:33.000 So if he said $20 million, that's what he wants to fight for.
02:58:36.000 If pay-per-view is what, $60?
02:58:38.000 How much does it cost?
02:58:39.000 Let's say it's $60.
02:58:40.000 And let's say they sell a million pay-per-views, which is an excellent number.
02:58:43.000 That's $60 million.
02:58:46.000 Yep.
02:58:46.000 Okay.
02:58:47.000 So $60 million, he wants a third of that right off the top.
02:58:50.000 And then you would got to think, well, if he's going to fight Conor, Conor's going to take a third of that too, right?
02:58:54.000 At least.
02:58:55.000 He's not going to take less than Nate.
02:58:57.000 What's that?
02:58:58.000 Nate.
02:58:58.000 Nate, and he's going to fight Conor.
02:59:00.000 Yep, yep, yep.
02:59:00.000 So if he's going to fight Conor, Conor's going to take probably even more than that, right?
02:59:04.000 So it's 20 and what, 25?
02:59:06.000 So there's less...
02:59:08.000 For the UFC, then those two guys?
02:59:10.000 Well, that's how it is in boxing.
02:59:12.000 That's how it is in, like, if you look at, like, the purses for, like, a lot of boxing matches, the way they have it described is, like, the big guys, like Floyd Mayweather, get a lion's share of the purse, and then everybody else gets less, including the promoters.
02:59:24.000 And then you've got ticket sales, which is probably just a couple million.
02:59:27.000 The ticket sales are probably pretty substantial, depending on where it is.
02:59:30.000 205, it was 17.7 million.
02:59:32.000 So there you go.
02:59:33.000 $17.7 million in Madison Square Garden, right?
02:59:35.000 And then what about that giant Vegas place?
02:59:39.000 The T-Mobile Arena in Vegas?
02:59:41.000 That's a lot more people.
02:59:42.000 When that sells out, what is that?
02:59:43.000 Wait, you're saying $17 million for one fight?
02:59:45.000 For one night.
02:59:46.000 In ticket sales?
02:59:47.000 Madison Square Garden.
02:59:47.000 Holy shit.
02:59:49.000 Yeah.
02:59:49.000 So...
02:59:50.000 Then you got merchandise.
02:59:52.000 Right, but that's theirs, right?
02:59:53.000 Because it's about the UFC, it's not about the fighter.
02:59:55.000 Yeah.
02:59:55.000 Like, I don't think, I mean, maybe if the fighter's selling, if they're selling Conor McGregor merchandise, that's a different story.
03:00:01.000 Yeah, then they should definitely get a giant chunk of that.
03:00:03.000 I don't know how much they get.
03:00:04.000 And then this isn't including sponsorships.
03:00:06.000 Well, there's no sponsors, right?
03:00:08.000 The UFC has some sponsors in the octagon.
03:00:11.000 I mean, they have some movie sponsors and stuff, but as for the fighters, there's really no sponsors that they carry into the octagon with them.
03:00:17.000 The only sponsor is Reebok.
03:00:18.000 And some people have a deal with Monster Energy Drink, again.
03:00:21.000 Yeah, I see guys putting hats on after they win.
03:00:24.000 Not always in the UFC. Most likely in Bellator.
03:00:26.000 Or unless they have a Monster Energy drink deal, which the UFC also has a deal with.
03:00:30.000 But it's real weird.
03:00:32.000 For the longest time, they did.
03:00:33.000 They had it all over their shorts.
03:00:34.000 They would wear whatever they want.
03:00:36.000 They would wear T-shirts coming into the Octagon.
03:00:38.000 But then they signed this deal with Reebok, and a lot of people are upset about it.
03:00:42.000 They have to wear Reebok stuff now.
03:00:44.000 Okay.
03:00:45.000 It's a hot point.
03:00:46.000 I'm sure.
03:00:47.000 That's a lot of money.
03:00:48.000 Yeah, it is for a lot of fighters.
03:00:49.000 For a lot of fighters, it was hundreds of thousands of dollars.
03:00:54.000 So in terms of how much money is left then, how much does it cost to run a global organization like that?
03:00:59.000 How much does it cost to keep the infrastructure alive?
03:01:02.000 How much does it cost to upload everything to pay-per-view?
03:01:05.000 How much does it cost to hire all these people?
03:01:07.000 How much does it cost to put that production together?
03:01:10.000 Advertise.
03:01:11.000 Right, so if it's only 60 million bucks and then 15 million bucks from obviously I don't know and there's got to be international shit too because they sell it internationally all over the world I mean the UFC is everywhere so a big fight like Nate Diaz and Conor McGregor doesn't just sell in the United States it sells everywhere I don't know if that's all included I don't know how they work that shit out but my point is when someone says he wants 20 million dollars that might make sense Or that might not make sense.
03:01:37.000 Like, I don't know what the numbers are.
03:01:38.000 And also, you gotta pay taxes.
03:01:40.000 Like, if you're making all that money, if you're bringing in all that money, you gotta pay taxes on that money.
03:01:43.000 Who pays the taxes?
03:01:44.000 Does the UFC pay the taxes first, and then pay the fighters out of what's left?
03:01:48.000 Do they all act as private contractors?
03:01:50.000 That's a good question, but I don't know.
03:01:52.000 But, as far as, like, how much money they're making.
03:01:55.000 I think for a guy like Conor McGregor, the correct answer would be a fuckload.
03:01:58.000 Yeah.
03:01:59.000 He's making fuckloads of money.
03:02:00.000 And what's that, five fights a year?
03:02:02.000 He's not fighting that often, but he's probably fought in the last 24 months.
03:02:09.000 How many times has he fought in the last 24 months?
03:02:13.000 He went on a crazy run, beat Aldo.
03:02:16.000 He beat Dennis Seaver, Aldo, and then the Nate Diaz fight, Eddie Alvarez.
03:02:26.000 2015, so one, two, three times in 2015, three times in 2016. Yeah, so that's about right.
03:02:31.000 That's a lot of fighting, by the way.
03:02:32.000 So $50 million a year.
03:02:33.000 Every four months like that, it's very hard on your body.
03:02:36.000 Very hard on your body.
03:02:37.000 Jesus.
03:02:37.000 Hard to do.
03:02:38.000 But some guys, like Cowboy Cerrone, he lives off that.
03:02:42.000 That's what he loves.
03:02:43.000 Think about it if you break down the numbers, though, and granted...
03:02:46.000 NFL or NBA has a lot more revenue coming in, but you're also paying, you know, NFL, you got, what, 44 guys on the team?
03:02:55.000 It's interesting that you say that.
03:02:56.000 Trainers, all that fucking shit.
03:02:57.000 You should look at the number, put up the number of revenue, the amount of revenue that they bring in versus the UFC. It's hilarious.
03:03:04.000 Yeah.
03:03:05.000 Like, the NFL's like $375 billion.
03:03:07.000 The UFC's like two.
03:03:09.000 Yeah.
03:03:10.000 I mean, the difference is fucking preposterous.
03:03:12.000 Yeah.
03:03:13.000 Like find out there's a chart, like a graph that they can show you that somebody put together that shows you the NBA, the NFL, Major League Baseball, and MMA is like below hockey.
03:03:26.000 And you know that porn used to beat all of them put together, NBA, NFL, all of it, and...
03:03:33.000 CBS, NBC, and ABC as well.
03:03:34.000 And all the major movies.
03:03:36.000 All together!
03:03:39.000 Dwarfed by porn.
03:03:40.000 And now it's gone.
03:03:41.000 Now it's all gone.
03:03:42.000 I mean, the AVN Awards, at its height, I hosted it when there was 7,000 people in the audience on Showtime.
03:03:48.000 Now it's like 200 losers in a room with an open mic are hosting it.
03:03:53.000 Wow.
03:03:54.000 Yeah.
03:03:55.000 It's over.
03:03:56.000 Whoa.
03:03:57.000 I shouldn't say that.
03:03:58.000 I don't want to disparage them.
03:03:59.000 Let's just say it's smaller than it used to be.
03:04:01.000 I just think they're doing awesome craft work now.
03:04:03.000 Now they're doing it for the love of the art.
03:04:05.000 I think so.
03:04:06.000 And it's different.
03:04:07.000 I mean, for me it's all about Japanese hidden camera massage porn.
03:04:11.000 That's your shit?
03:04:12.000 Yeah, because it's real.
03:04:14.000 I gotta see shit that's real.
03:04:15.000 Casting couch?
03:04:16.000 Guarantee that a lot of that is real.
03:04:18.000 That's what you like?
03:04:20.000 You wanna see real nerves?
03:04:21.000 I wanna see the girl a little bit nervous, a little confused.
03:04:26.000 I wanna see the transition in her eyes from I'm auditioning for a pajama commercial to I'm taking it, taking it hard on camera.
03:04:34.000 Yeah.
03:04:36.000 I don't want to see two people that are, you know, too into it.
03:04:40.000 I want to see somebody get taken for a ride.
03:04:43.000 Somebody just get hoodwinked?
03:04:45.000 Yeah, like the massage thing.
03:04:47.000 They're getting a regular massage from a woman, and it's a good massage.
03:04:51.000 You can tell that these are like practice masseuses.
03:04:53.000 And then all of a sudden, they're on their stomach, and they get up in that ass crack a little bit, and they get down in the valley, and they've got a camera on the woman's face, and above, and below, and usually somewhere else.
03:05:06.000 And they keep it on the face so you can see the eyes open and kind of look around.
03:05:10.000 And I'm telling you, fucking Mia Farrow.
03:05:15.000 Who's a great actress?
03:05:16.000 Jane Fonda couldn't portray...
03:05:19.000 How about Faye Dunaway?
03:05:20.000 Faye Dunaway could not portray the subtle nuances of coming around to being suddenly fingered by a masseuse.
03:05:30.000 So you think it's real?
03:05:33.000 I defy anybody.
03:05:34.000 I will send you clips that are undeniable.
03:05:38.000 I think you should take that and run with it.
03:05:41.000 Just don't look to anything that points to the contrary.
03:05:45.000 Right.
03:05:45.000 Why would I? Why would you?
03:05:47.000 What is life?
03:05:47.000 It's unempowering.
03:05:47.000 Life is perception.
03:05:49.000 It's not reality.
03:05:50.000 It's not empowering to think that that's staged and you're just being tricked by some unenthusiastic people that need the money.
03:05:57.000 No, you want to think that this is a real massage.
03:05:59.000 Absolutely real.
03:05:59.000 The guy's fingering her and she just grabs his dick.
03:06:03.000 No, I don't watch those.
03:06:04.000 You don't watch those?
03:06:04.000 Because that seems rapey.
03:06:07.000 What if the guy's laying down and the girl just starts sucking his dick?
03:06:09.000 Nah, that's rapey.
03:06:09.000 What if he gets a massage from a girl?
03:06:11.000 If the guy gets a massage from a girl and she just starts blowing him?
03:06:14.000 Well, you know, a woman is pleasuring another woman.
03:06:18.000 Okay, I see what you're saying.
03:06:19.000 So you like it.
03:06:19.000 Yeah.
03:06:20.000 I enjoy it.
03:06:21.000 I like to see everyone had a good day.
03:06:23.000 Everybody had a good day.
03:06:24.000 You know, the masseuse is getting paid handsomely.
03:06:26.000 She knows she's on camera.
03:06:27.000 Plus they're lesbians.
03:06:29.000 I think most women are.
03:06:30.000 They don't get a chance to explore it as much.
03:06:32.000 Wow.
03:06:33.000 Strong words.
03:06:33.000 Throw some hidden cameras in there.
03:06:34.000 We see what really happens.
03:06:35.000 I can't believe you're saying that.
03:06:38.000 I believe that all women have the propensity for lesbianism because it's soft.
03:06:44.000 They're being touched in a gentle way.
03:06:48.000 Not the way I do it.
03:06:50.000 I do my lesbian stuff.
03:06:52.000 Lesbian biker style.
03:06:54.000 Yeah.
03:06:54.000 That's my style.
03:06:55.000 A lot of hardware.
03:06:56.000 What style of fucking do you employ?
03:06:58.000 I'm like a lesbian biker.
03:07:00.000 That's my shit.
03:07:01.000 I'm like, how a lesbian would fuck you if she was mad with a strap on?
03:07:05.000 Yeah.
03:07:05.000 She's mad.
03:07:08.000 Angry, boots on.
03:07:09.000 You were flirting with a guy at the pizza font.
03:07:12.000 So just fucking out of you, bitch.
03:07:14.000 You were talking to the enemy.
03:07:15.000 Yeah.
03:07:16.000 She's got like a strap on with like a little, like a dog collar with those little buttons, those little silver snaps.
03:07:22.000 It pops in place.
03:07:24.000 Pop, pop.
03:07:24.000 Yeah.
03:07:25.000 Big green dick.
03:07:27.000 That's what I think.
03:07:28.000 Yeah.
03:07:29.000 She probably heats it up in the water just like that chicken cutlet trick I told you earlier.
03:07:33.000 I can't wait to get home.
03:07:34.000 Honey, what do we have for dinner tonight?
03:07:36.000 Greg Fitzsimmons, let's play some pool.
03:07:38.000 Let's do it.
03:07:39.000 Tell these people where to get your tickets one more time.
03:07:43.000 Fitsdog.com.
03:07:44.000 Also check out the podcast, Fitsdog Radio.
03:07:47.000 Numbers have been shooting up the last six months.
03:07:49.000 I've doubled my downloads.
03:07:51.000 That's beautiful.
03:07:51.000 I don't know what the fuck happened.
03:07:53.000 Podcasting is super popular right now.
03:07:54.000 It's getting big, man.
03:07:55.000 It's giant.
03:07:55.000 You're due to come back.
03:07:57.000 Yeah, it's going to make a comeback.
03:07:57.000 Last time you came on was New Year's Day 2016. Yeah, let's do it soon.
03:08:02.000 Yeah.
03:08:03.000 I'm around for a while.
03:08:04.000 All right, I love it.
03:08:04.000 Let's do it soon.
03:08:05.000 Yeah, your podcast is awesome.
03:08:06.000 Thanks, man.
03:08:07.000 And is it still on Sirius as well?
03:08:08.000 I'm doing the show on Sirius Monday nights at 5 o'clock PST. And are those shows ever available online?
03:08:16.000 Yes, they're on the app.
03:08:17.000 They're on the Sirius app.
03:08:18.000 And then also they're letting me release the old Sirius episodes now on the podcast.
03:08:23.000 Oh, good for them.
03:08:24.000 I got Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys coming up, Norm MacDonald, a bunch of great ones.
03:08:29.000 Oh, that's so cool.
03:08:29.000 I'm glad they do.
03:08:30.000 That's a very powerful move by Sirius.
03:08:32.000 Good for them.
03:08:33.000 Congratulations, Sirius.
03:08:34.000 Good company.
03:08:35.000 That's a great company, man.
03:08:36.000 That's how it should be done.
03:08:37.000 That's a very cool thing that they did.
03:08:38.000 I've been there for eight years.
03:08:39.000 I've never gotten one note about do this differently.
03:08:43.000 I'm writing a fucking note right now.
03:08:45.000 Stop talking about chicken cutlets.
03:08:50.000 Greg Fitzsimmons!
03:08:51.000 Are you at the store tonight?
03:08:52.000 I'm not.
03:08:53.000 New Year's Eve at Cobbs.
03:08:54.000 That's my next gig.
03:08:55.000 Oh, beautiful.
03:08:55.000 San Francisco.
03:08:56.000 Fuck yeah.
03:08:57.000 God damn, that's one of the great clubs.
03:08:59.000 Yeah.
03:08:59.000 That's one of the best.
03:09:00.000 That's a fun one.
03:09:01.000 Alright.
03:09:01.000 Thanks, brother.
03:09:02.000 Love you, man.
03:09:02.000 Thanks, man.
03:09:03.000 Bye, everybody.
03:09:04.000 See you next week.
03:09:04.000 No ads today.
03:09:05.000 Fuck it.
03:09:06.000 No ads before or after.
03:09:09.000 Onnit.com.
03:09:10.000 Use the code word ROGAN. Bye!