The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #894 - #WhoIsFat Weigh-in

00:00:00.000 I don't know, you don't look very fat to me.

00:00:03.000 If I had to describe you to someone, I wouldn't say that's a fat guy.

00:00:08.000 It feels good.

00:00:09.000 You would definitely say stocky.

00:00:10.000 I wouldn't say you're fat either right now.

00:00:12.000 I wouldn't say you're a fat guy.

00:00:14.000 I know you're wearing layers right now.

00:00:15.000 I'm wearing a lot of layers.

00:00:17.000 Because you're weighing in, so you're trying to dehydrate.

00:00:19.000 Yeah.

00:00:19.000 Because you kind of came in late to the game.

00:00:22.000 He sandbagged me.

00:00:23.000 This motherfucker's been working out since August.

00:00:26.000 And in November, he says, hey, let's do a weight loss challenge.

00:00:30.000 I'm at 240. I'm 256 at the time.

00:00:33.000 I'm like, okay.

00:00:33.000 Wait, that's a little bit of a Burt-ism, though.

00:00:36.000 Yeah!

00:00:37.000 I don't know if you know this, Burt's prone to exaggerate slightly.

00:00:40.000 It's called hyperbole.

00:00:41.000 Okay.

00:00:42.000 He was 256 on Thanksgiving after a full binge.

00:00:47.000 That wasn't his walk around.

00:00:48.000 It was a New York binge where I drank every day on OP radio, drank every single night, and then came back.

00:00:54.000 And then he weighed himself.

00:00:55.000 I was a full binge.

00:00:57.000 Ari said to me, he's like, there's no way you're 244. I got on because that's what Buns was on November 11th.

00:01:01.000 That's when my special on Showtime came out.

00:01:03.000 And that's when we weighed in.

00:01:04.000 It was the day.

00:01:05.000 I saw you the next day at the End of the World podcast.

00:01:07.000 Right.

00:01:07.000 What did you think I was then?

00:01:08.000 That's November 8th, though.

00:01:09.000 I didn't check.

00:01:11.000 I was robust.

00:01:12.000 You were big.

00:01:13.000 I was big.

00:01:13.000 You had a gut.

00:01:14.000 Now, what made you guys start this?

00:01:17.000 Fucking Ari.

00:01:18.000 But actually, Ari made the challenge, but I was thinking about the origin of Bird is Fat.

00:01:23.000 It's you.

00:01:24.000 It's you and your wife when you get together are dicks.

00:01:29.000 Hashtag your mom's house.

00:01:31.000 Your mom's house.

00:01:32.000 The name of the podcast is the thing you said to other kids when you didn't like them.

00:01:36.000 Yeah, that's where I was.

00:01:37.000 Your mom's house.

00:01:39.000 You wonder where this hate-filled fucking podcast comes from.

00:01:43.000 So wait, though, but this is where it came from.

00:01:47.000 We were watching a movie!

00:01:49.000 And do you remember a few years ago, the head of the International Monetary Fund, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, was in the scandal?

00:01:57.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:01:58.000 In New York?

00:01:59.000 Yes.

00:01:59.000 Like a maid?

00:02:00.000 He raped a maid?

00:02:01.000 That's right.

00:02:01.000 He was accused of raping the maid.

00:02:03.000 It was eventually cleared.

00:02:04.000 And it inspired a movie that I think was on HBO or Showtime.

00:02:07.000 And we were watching it, and they did it loosely or mostly based on that story, but it wasn't a biopic.

00:02:13.000 And the guy that played DSK was Gerard Depardieu.

00:02:17.000 And there's a scene where they have him get arrested and do the perp walk, and then they do the strip search, like, at Rikers Island.

00:02:24.000 And he had this totally bloated, distended, like, big booze body.

00:02:30.000 And we were like, that looks like Bert, but bigger, like, way bigger.

00:02:34.000 So then we talked about it on our podcast, and then people started to Photoshop Bert onto Gerard Neff.

00:02:42.000 I was actually taking it as compliments because I know he's a very talented actor.

00:02:46.000 I was like, oh, that's cool.

00:02:48.000 By the way, this is all blindsiding me.

00:02:50.000 This is happening in their little fucking world.

00:02:53.000 And then at the same time, I started a vlog.

00:02:55.000 Remember when I did my vlog, Jamie?

00:02:56.000 And I knew that one of the things that was popular on vlogs was weight loss.

00:03:00.000 So I was watching my weight loss and I was losing weight, but I was always weighing in on a Speedo.

00:03:05.000 And it was very self-deprecating.

00:03:06.000 I was trying to make it funny.

00:03:08.000 These two are watching at the exact same time.

00:03:10.000 And making fun of how fat I am, I'm oblivious to this.

00:03:14.000 I'm oblivious to all of this.

00:03:15.000 And then one day, Doug Benson and I get into a fight.

00:03:19.000 I remember...

00:03:19.000 I think everyone knows what I'm talking about here.

00:03:21.000 Yeah, that was on his podcast, right?

00:03:24.000 It was a live podcast, and it was very uncomfortable.

00:03:26.000 And it was bad, and I think I spoke...

00:03:29.000 I called Tom.

00:03:30.000 I went right to the bar after it.

00:03:31.000 I was fucking worked up.

00:03:33.000 I was like, I think...

00:03:34.000 I called him, I was drunk, and he goes, hello?

00:03:38.000 I go, hey, we need to talk.

00:03:39.000 And he goes, I am so sorry.

00:03:42.000 I go, for what?

00:03:44.000 And he goes, wait, what are you calling about?

00:03:48.000 And I go, Doug and I had a blowout.

00:03:51.000 And he goes, oh, never mind then.

00:03:55.000 I go, wait, what are you sorry about?

00:03:56.000 And he's like, you haven't been online, have you?

00:03:58.000 And I said, no.

00:03:59.000 And he goes, alright, let's talk about what you're upset about.

00:04:02.000 And then after we're done, go online.

00:04:04.000 And I just want you to know, Christina and I are very sorry, and we'll make this stop.

00:04:08.000 And so I go online.

00:04:11.000 It is trending.

00:04:13.000 I mean, it is.

00:04:14.000 Bert is fat, and by the way, and this is at the very beginning of it, and I have to be very clear and honest about all of this emotions, because there are parts of this that are like, trigger warning, but like, it was funny as fucking shit, and you couldn't get mad at it, because it was all their best fans making hilarious fucking jokes.

00:04:33.000 One guy took the name Bert Kreisler And made his own fucking profile for it.

00:04:40.000 He made a website.

00:04:41.000 He registered a website.

00:04:43.000 And by the way, I saw him in Hartford.

00:04:47.000 He's obese.

00:04:48.000 Enormous.

00:04:48.000 And he just sat in the front row the whole time going, Bert's fat, Bert's fat.

00:04:52.000 Next day his mom shows up, hey buddy, your mom's morbidly obese.

00:04:55.000 And the first word she says to me is, why are you so fat, Bert?

00:04:58.000 She has five bills.

00:05:01.000 And she said, why are you so fat, Bert?

00:05:02.000 And I'm like, oh my god, this is getting out of fucking control.

00:05:05.000 So he heckled you?

00:05:07.000 Not heckle, he was being funny.

00:05:08.000 People say it as I hit the stage, too.

00:05:11.000 As I walk on stage, half the audience goes, why is Bert fat?

00:05:14.000 They yell it.

00:05:15.000 Ari and I were in Calgary doing Stampede, and when I got on stage, all they were yelling is, Bert's fat, Bert's fat, why are you so fat?

00:05:23.000 And Ari's like...

00:05:24.000 Ari said two things to me that night.

00:05:25.000 He's like, I've never seen that.

00:05:26.000 And then at the end, I was like, I'm not telling the machine, and they started booing.

00:05:29.000 And Ari's like, dude, you've got to tell the machine every fucking time.

00:05:32.000 I was like, yeah, no shit.

00:05:33.000 My career's gotten out of fucking control.

00:05:35.000 I have no control.

00:05:36.000 I'm fat, and I've got to tell the fucking machine.

00:05:38.000 And so then, here's the crux.

00:05:39.000 The machine story, if you don't know, is a crazy story.

00:05:42.000 Go to the one that's on Facebook that went viral over the weekend.

00:05:45.000 Yeah, 12 million views over the weekend.

00:05:47.000 What is it?

00:05:47.000 The machine story.

00:05:48.000 The one from the special.

00:05:49.000 It got 12 million views over the weekend?

00:05:52.000 On Facebook.

00:05:53.000 Holy shit.

00:05:54.000 I was telling Tom, marketing companies were calling going like, hey, what was your secret?

00:05:57.000 Yeah, how did you strategize this?

00:05:59.000 Oh, God.

00:06:00.000 I put up a good story.

00:06:02.000 Gross fucks.

00:06:03.000 And like 10 people that are popular online retweeted it.

00:06:06.000 Yeah.

00:06:06.000 So go to it.

00:06:06.000 What's really cool about it, a little sidebar from this, but what's really cool about this, which I think you'll get a kick out of Joe, You guys heard me tell that story four years ago on this podcast.

00:06:15.000 I think half the people, everyone liked it, half the people thought it was a lie.

00:06:18.000 Other people go, I don't give a fuck.

00:06:20.000 Some people are like, I bet it is true.

00:06:22.000 The reason it went viral, I think, is that people in my class tagged in the comment section, this story is 100% true, and posted pictures of the entire trip all through the comment section.

00:06:33.000 So you can see what Igor looks like.

00:06:35.000 You can see what Sasha looks like.

00:06:37.000 You see us that night on a train, drunk as fuck with the two gangsters.

00:06:40.000 Wow.

00:06:41.000 All those are in the comments section, and so everyone that's ever heard the story lost their shit.

00:06:45.000 Like, dude, I got messages like, one guy said he has cancer, and this is the best thing that's ever happened to him.

00:06:51.000 Terminal illness is so tough to deal with.

00:06:52.000 Thank you so much.

00:06:53.000 And I'm like, dude, but anyway, that's a sidebar to that story.

00:06:55.000 Go to the Facebook, my Facebook page.

00:06:57.000 Anyway.

00:06:59.000 One morning I wake up.

00:07:00.000 Now I'm dealing with what Bill Burr does reference as fat shaming and quote unquote taking on water.

00:07:06.000 And I am fat.

00:07:07.000 And I wake up with panic attack at four in the morning because I've been drinking.

00:07:10.000 And I go on my wife's friend's Instagram.

00:07:14.000 And her mom passed away.

00:07:15.000 She's mom hasn't been hospiced.

00:07:16.000 You know this one.

00:07:19.000 And I write, oh my god, so sorry for your loss.

00:07:24.000 We'll see you later today.

00:07:25.000 And then one of Tom's fans, and my fan I guess, writes in the next comment, so sorry for your loss, did Burt sit on your mom?

00:07:38.000 Next one is, hey, if you keep her cold, he'll eat her.

00:07:42.000 I mean, it's just brutal.

00:07:45.000 And then this woman comes over to our house.

00:07:47.000 She had lost her mom.

00:07:48.000 Lost her mom in the middle of the fucking night.

00:07:50.000 And her first words to me are, I'm sorry what's happening to you online.

00:07:55.000 Dude, how about...

00:07:56.000 Do you remember when you went to the zoo with the girls?

00:07:59.000 Holy...

00:07:59.000 You want to talk about fucking bizarre!

00:08:02.000 I actually FaceTime him.

00:08:04.000 And I just...

00:08:05.000 It's a random call in the middle of the day.

00:08:06.000 So he answers and he's in public.

00:08:08.000 And I see him holding...

00:08:09.000 He's like, hey man.

00:08:10.000 And I go, what are you doing?

00:08:11.000 So I'm here with the girls.

00:08:12.000 We're talking about the Bird is Fat, Thomas Fat shirts.

00:08:14.000 He's like, I'm gonna make these shirts.

00:08:15.000 Yeah.

00:08:15.000 I'll put them on my website.

00:08:16.000 We'll split the profits.

00:08:17.000 Yeah.

00:08:17.000 Just whatever.

00:08:18.000 Just...

00:08:19.000 I'll just...

00:08:19.000 I'll just tell them on the site so we can split the profits so we can track them.

00:08:21.000 And I'm like, cool, cool.

00:08:22.000 And I see like his daughter walk by.

00:08:24.000 So I'm like, oh, it's people that he's...

00:08:26.000 You know, maybe his sister's there with him.

00:08:27.000 And then someone behind him is like, Bert's fat!

00:08:31.000 Bert is fat.

00:08:32.000 And I'm like, uh-huh, yeah.

00:08:34.000 I figure it's like a friend's mother or something.

00:08:37.000 And then later he's like, yeah, that was a stranger.

00:08:39.000 Not later.

00:08:39.000 It was right then.

00:08:40.000 It was right then I turned the phone around and I go, I'm talking to Tom Segura right now.

00:08:44.000 And she goes, oh, shut up.

00:08:45.000 Hi, Mommy.

00:08:46.000 I'm a big fan, Jeans.

00:08:47.000 Or whatever the fuck they say.

00:08:51.000 But here's the other part that went crazy.

00:08:54.000 First of all, we had...

00:08:56.000 I did press in Syracuse, I think.

00:09:00.000 You know when you do morning TV? And they go, what do you want us to lead you with?

00:09:04.000 And it's always like, you know, comics will be like, ask me about birds.

00:09:07.000 I got a great thing.

00:09:08.000 And they want a bit.

00:09:10.000 So I was just like, ask me why bird cries for so fat.

00:09:16.000 Most of the times they go, I don't know about that.

00:09:19.000 They don't want to get racy.

00:09:20.000 And the lady just goes, okay.

00:09:23.000 So Christina Takamimi.

00:09:24.000 Yeah.

00:09:25.000 We're just in the middle.

00:09:26.000 She goes, oh, I gotta ask you something.

00:09:28.000 And I go, what's that?

00:09:29.000 She goes, why is Bert Kreisler so fat?

00:09:31.000 And she said it wrong.

00:09:33.000 And by the way, Tom doesn't make a joke out of it.

00:09:35.000 He goes, well, he's an alcoholic.

00:09:36.000 Yeah, he's got a lot of problems.

00:09:39.000 And so we play that on the podcast, and we go, ask...

00:09:43.000 The whole thing was, ask Bert why he's so fat.

00:09:46.000 So why are you so fat?

00:09:47.000 I thought that like 100 people would tweet it to him.

00:09:50.000 Dude.

00:09:50.000 I didn't know that they would destroy his Instagram, Facebook.

00:09:54.000 Like...

00:09:55.000 Destroy.

00:09:56.000 Destroy.

00:09:56.000 To the point where I had to tell my daughters, you can't read this.

00:09:59.000 Like, it's bad.

00:10:00.000 And I've never blocked anybody.

00:10:02.000 But then Joey says this, there are these people out there that are fucking broken.

00:10:06.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:10:07.000 And say really hateful things and you're like, hey man, I'm all about a good time.

00:10:10.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:10:10.000 You can make fun of me all, you fucking.

00:10:11.000 Well, I take it.

00:10:12.000 Like, I tweeted some guy today that, I forget what he said.

00:10:15.000 Oh, he goes, to be honest with you, I think both of you guys are winners in this challenge.

00:10:19.000 Congratulations.

00:10:19.000 By the way, Bert, you're still fat.

00:10:21.000 And I just, I was on the treadmill and I stumbled and I started laughing and I went, there's ones like that that are out there that are fucking great.

00:10:27.000 They're so funny ones.

00:10:28.000 And I also, I remember I called him when I thought it was too much.

00:10:30.000 I go, I'll do a thing now where I say, and he was like, absolutely, you're not my fucking mother.

00:10:35.000 Do that, do that.

00:10:36.000 Not coming out this front soup going, he has asthma, stop picking on him!

00:10:40.000 I was like, I'll take this on the fucking chin.

00:10:42.000 But that's when we started to go...

00:10:44.000 No, that's when Ari stepped in.

00:10:46.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:10:47.000 Because you know Ari has no fucking heart.

00:10:49.000 Ari, who's in Kuala Lumpur right now?

00:10:51.000 Yeah.

00:10:52.000 We don't know where he is, right?

00:10:53.000 We don't know where he is.

00:10:54.000 He's off the grid.

00:10:56.000 He had this podcast, an amazing podcast with Henry Rollins.

00:10:59.000 And Henry Rollins, once a year, gets on a plane, he talks to his travel agent, and he goes, where can we go?

00:11:04.000 And she's like, have you been to Burma?

00:11:06.000 He's like, nope.

00:11:07.000 So he flies to Burma and knows no one, brings a laptop and a notebook.

00:11:13.000 And like some underwear.

00:11:14.000 And just fucking wanders around.

00:11:16.000 He gets a hotel room and he just goes out in the street and just goes there during the day and at night he writes.

00:11:22.000 Yeah.

00:11:22.000 Oh, okay.

00:11:23.000 Yeah.

00:11:24.000 Not impressed?

00:11:25.000 I've traveled the fucking world.

00:11:26.000 Let me tell you something.

00:11:27.000 Everywhere is the same.

00:11:28.000 Beaches are beaches.

00:11:29.000 Fucking hotel rooms are hotel rooms.

00:11:30.000 Yeah, because you're hammered everywhere you go.

00:11:31.000 Yeah, but I also have an insightful...

00:11:32.000 Some blurry, fuzzy...

00:11:34.000 I have an insightful fucking eye.

00:11:35.000 And like, trust me, after a week you're like, okay, this is getting old.

00:11:39.000 Is there four seasons around here?

00:11:41.000 Like, I can't...

00:11:42.000 I think Ari gets a thrill out of that.

00:11:44.000 Yeah, but I mean, Henry Rollins legitimately enjoys it.

00:11:46.000 If you listen to that podcast that he did, it's an amazing podcast because he just talks about the people that he's met and all the experiences that he's had.

00:11:53.000 You're right.

00:11:54.000 Maybe Henry Rollins is a little deeper than I am.

00:11:55.000 I am a guy that, like, I want to go to a bar and meet a bunch of people and hang out and have a good time.

00:11:58.000 I'm not, like, sitting there going, oh, what is their spice here?

00:12:02.000 It seems very dominant.

00:12:03.000 Like, I'm not that guy.

00:12:04.000 That ice cube weighs something.

00:12:06.000 Put it back.

00:12:08.000 He's about to suck on that ice cube.

00:12:09.000 He's been sucking on it.

00:12:10.000 That's the only thing I've been doing.

00:12:11.000 Let's get these fucking weigh-ins over.

00:12:13.000 We'll get to that.

00:12:14.000 So what kind of timeline are we talking about that this all started?

00:12:20.000 So after the RE podcast, we challenged each other.

00:12:22.000 Which was November 7th, I'm guessing, because I saw you on the 8th.

00:12:24.000 So basically, that's this year, though.

00:12:27.000 Yeah.

00:12:27.000 Basically two months.

00:12:28.000 So this is...

00:12:29.000 Yeah.

00:12:30.000 So when did you start losing weight though?

00:12:32.000 You started losing weight way before that.

00:12:34.000 August.

00:12:35.000 And what made you decide?

00:12:37.000 I think part of it was that we had been doing all the fat talk.

00:12:41.000 When did the fat talk start?

00:12:43.000 Definitely in the summer.

00:12:44.000 I remember listening to one of your podcasts.

00:12:46.000 It had to be early then.

00:12:47.000 It had to be like May or June.

00:12:49.000 It was easily May.

00:12:50.000 May was Syracuse, yeah.

00:12:52.000 Because I remember in July I was in Alabama and I was jogging and I was listening to you and Push fucking destroy me.

00:12:58.000 And I could not stop laughing because it was, I think it was me talking on a podcast.

00:13:02.000 You guys taking everything I do.

00:13:04.000 By the way.

00:13:04.000 The funniest thing that I have seen from this so far is that a lot of English as a second language teachers around the country have sent in videos where they're like in India, Japan, China, and they...

00:13:19.000 A lot.

00:13:20.000 Like an alarming amount of English as a second language.

00:13:22.000 And they put a camera in the room, and as they're teaching the kids, they teach them to say, Burt Kreisler is fat.

00:13:28.000 So...

00:13:32.000 We have tons of these videos where the kids are like, and also one lady was like, draws just a fat guy on a chalkboard, and she's like, this is Bert.

00:13:42.000 And the kids go, this is Bert.

00:13:44.000 And then she's like, he eats too much.

00:13:47.000 And they're like, he eats too much.

00:13:49.000 And they go through the whole thing.

00:13:51.000 See, he's got a teammate.

00:13:52.000 I'm doing this fucking solo.

00:13:54.000 It's true.

00:13:55.000 It's true.

00:13:55.000 I would love if my wife got involved.

00:13:57.000 She fucking hates this weight loss thing.

00:13:59.000 Does she?

00:13:59.000 Oh, hates it.

00:14:00.000 Why?

00:14:00.000 Like, I would say that I'm going to be dead serious.

00:14:02.000 Me, Tom, and Push have to go to dinner and apologize to Leanne.

00:14:04.000 Why do you call her Push?

00:14:06.000 Because her last name's Puzinski.

00:14:08.000 And when we first met...

00:14:08.000 He's always done that.

00:14:09.000 I'm never good with Christina's and Tina's and Kristen's and all that.

00:14:11.000 So you just call her Push?

00:14:12.000 I just call her Push.

00:14:13.000 Calls her Push.

00:14:13.000 I love it.

00:14:14.000 That's a good name.

00:14:15.000 They're one of my favorite, literally my favorite couple.

00:14:17.000 If I was ever going to be like a side husband, I'd be in that couple.

00:14:23.000 Okay.

00:14:24.000 I don't know how to react to that.

00:14:25.000 I don't think I would have had as much fun doing this with anybody else.

00:14:28.000 A lot of people didn't understand is that we're best friends.

00:14:31.000 And so when I did the podcast with Bill and Tom, people started shitting on Tom and I was like, no, no, no, you're blocked now.

00:14:38.000 I can't...

00:14:38.000 If you don't like me, if you don't like Joey Diaz, if you don't like Ari, if you don't like Joe, if you don't like Tom, I don't like you at all, because you don't get me.

00:14:44.000 Because these guys are my friends, and they define my foundation of what I find funny and what I get.

00:14:49.000 So, like, that was one of the things that got shitty about this, is that you'd find people being like, fuck Tom Segura, and you're like, no!

00:14:54.000 You're always gonna get that, right?

00:14:55.000 Yeah, some people got, like, they got the spirit of it wrong, I think, you know?

00:15:00.000 And they were like, that guy's a fucking piece of shit, and you're like, whoa, dude, like, what?

00:15:04.000 We're like, crap!

00:15:05.000 We're doing a weight loss thing, man.

00:15:07.000 What the fuck?

00:15:08.000 What's your problem?

00:15:09.000 Some of your fucking videos have been amazing.

00:15:11.000 I love the video you're doing when you're playing Credence, Let the Midnight Special.

00:15:16.000 That is a fucking great video.

00:15:18.000 You're drinking a cup of coffee, and then you get on that treadmill.

00:15:21.000 And then the other one, when you're showing that you did five fucking hours and 20 minutes on the treadmill, you ran 22 fucking miles, burned off 3,000...

00:15:33.000 How many calories?

00:15:34.000 3,000...

00:15:34.000 2,300 calories.

00:15:36.000 That's the bet that I made, though.

00:15:38.000 I knew that Burt would do this.

00:15:41.000 He's crazy.

00:15:42.000 This is my take on it.

00:15:43.000 I knew that you were going to be steady.

00:15:46.000 I'm like, Tom's not going to slip up.

00:15:48.000 He's not going to say, fuck it, I need a cheeseburger in the middle of the night.

00:15:50.000 But Burt might not eat for a month.

00:15:53.000 You might go straight What the fuck's his name?

00:15:56.000 The Batman guy?

00:15:57.000 What's his name?

00:15:58.000 Christian Bale.

00:15:58.000 Christian Bale when he was in The Machinist?

00:16:00.000 Yeah, The Machinist.

00:16:01.000 Oh my god, that's the name of my tour.

00:16:03.000 The Machinist.

00:16:05.000 That's the name of my tour, everybody.

00:16:07.000 Bert Kreischer is The Machinist.

00:16:09.000 Dude, you said it to me one night.

00:16:11.000 Like, you know, you go, you go, stop drinking, stop drinking.

00:16:15.000 And you go, Tommy's looks good, trust me.

00:16:16.000 And then you're like, I don't know, man, you got that crazy thing.

00:16:19.000 I call it the Mickey Mantle gene.

00:16:20.000 It's that guy that can go out, party all fucking night long, get up at eight, get on the field, and hit a fucking walk-off home run.

00:16:26.000 It's that John Daly gene.

00:16:28.000 That Gene, that Babe Ruth Gene, who eats a hot dog in left field and then catches the fly ball.

00:16:33.000 That's what I've always...

00:16:33.000 I've always admired that in athletes and stars, is those people who can go off tilt.

00:16:37.000 Tiger Woods, when he's got the blown-out knee and the bad back, and he drains the 90-foot putt.

00:16:41.000 That's what I love.

00:16:42.000 I don't like the fucking Phil Mickelsons over here.

00:16:45.000 Tommy's Phil Mickelson.

00:16:46.000 Safe drive up the middle, 230 yards.

00:16:48.000 Looks like he'll hit a 5-iron.

00:16:49.000 I'm fucking going for the green every time.

00:16:52.000 There you go.

00:16:52.000 Wow.

00:16:53.000 And that's the way, like, but it's not healthy.

00:16:54.000 I've had, no joke, no joke, and anyone that's seen me on the road knows this, less than 1,000 calories every single day.

00:17:02.000 I've drank in only vodka sodas, and I've run at least five miles a day.

00:17:06.000 Wow.

00:17:07.000 Every day?

00:17:07.000 Every day, except for yesterday.

00:17:09.000 I had 1,000 calories for dinner.

00:17:11.000 Wait, the night before weigh-in.

00:17:13.000 What?

00:17:13.000 Right?

00:17:14.000 We know we're weighing in tomorrow.

00:17:15.000 Guess what he had for dinner?

00:17:17.000 What?

00:17:18.000 Pulled pork, collard greens, and what?

00:17:21.000 Black-eyed peas.

00:17:22.000 Black-eyed peas.

00:17:22.000 It's a tradition, man.

00:17:23.000 Soul food.

00:17:24.000 Every New Year's Eve, we do it.

00:17:25.000 Sugar, sodium.

00:17:25.000 The peas are for luck.

00:17:27.000 The collard greens are for money.

00:17:29.000 I've done it every year, and I've made more money every single year that I've eaten it.

00:17:32.000 I'm not going to stop.

00:17:33.000 Here's the other thing, too, man.

00:17:35.000 Technically, I know going into this, I should lose this challenge.

00:17:40.000 Why?

00:17:40.000 Because I knew I was bigger and I knew that he could, if he wanted to be disciplined, I thought he would.

00:17:48.000 But I was betting on that he wouldn't be disciplined.

00:17:50.000 That's the bet.

00:17:51.000 You were bigger when it first started?

00:17:54.000 When it first started, I knew that physiologically, too, I think I was at a little bit more of a disadvantage.

00:18:01.000 What he's saying, Joe, is when he started fat shaming me, he was fatter than me.

00:18:07.000 Maybe.

00:18:07.000 Here's something about that term.

00:18:09.000 You've said that that term you think is a good term.

00:18:11.000 I mean, I just said that personally, for me, fat shaming...

00:18:18.000 Worked.

00:18:19.000 Well, I just feel like that when somebody...

00:18:21.000 It's more like just being honest.

00:18:22.000 It's like not in denial.

00:18:23.000 When somebody goes like, hey, man...

00:18:26.000 You need to lose some weight.

00:18:27.000 And someone's like, that's fat shaming.

00:18:28.000 I go, well, yeah, I think it's just someone being honest.

00:18:30.000 I think that's a bullshit term.

00:18:32.000 I really do.

00:18:33.000 That fat shaming.

00:18:34.000 I mean, it only works if you're fat.

00:18:36.000 And if you're fat, you should lose weight.

00:18:38.000 But that's what I'm saying.

00:18:39.000 I have a weird push and pull with it because there was a period where I didn't like it.

00:18:45.000 I empathized with, I'll just say Amy because she's the one that gets fat shamed the most.

00:18:48.000 Her and Kesha are the two most fat shamed people in the country.

00:18:51.000 Who's Kesha?

00:18:52.000 One of the best rock stars ever.

00:18:54.000 She's the best.

00:18:55.000 What the fuck did you say?

00:18:56.000 She's one of the best rock stars ever.

00:18:57.000 Shut up.

00:19:01.000 Dude, Kesha Dayoung is one of the best rock stars ever?

00:19:04.000 Well, she's more than a pop star.

00:19:06.000 Get out of here.

00:19:07.000 Who are you?

00:19:08.000 Anywho.

00:19:09.000 You've dehydrated your fucking brain to the point where it's misfiring.

00:19:13.000 Kesha is...

00:19:14.000 Eat an ice cube.

00:19:15.000 I'm waiting for fucking weigh-ins.

00:19:17.000 I'm going to hydrate.

00:19:18.000 It's going to happen soon.

00:19:22.000 So Kesha and Amy are getting fat shamed and I would read their comments because I was going through something similar.

00:19:26.000 Not similar because I think most of mine were in fun.

00:19:29.000 But man, they say some mean shit to Amy and Kesha where you're just like, why say that?

00:19:35.000 And then I get some of those and I go, hey yeah, there is a point where like one morning you wake up and you're not in the best mood and you check your Instagram comments and you're like, oh fuck.

00:19:43.000 This is not the way I want to start my day.

00:19:45.000 However, I will say, had it not been for the fat shaming, I wouldn't have lost...

00:19:51.000 I'm going to guess I've probably lost 30 pounds.

00:19:53.000 You do definitely look better and feel better, right?

00:19:55.000 Dude, wait till I take off these layers.

00:19:57.000 I feel so much better.

00:19:59.000 I feel...

00:20:01.000 Dude, I jogged eight miles today.

00:20:04.000 That wasn't happening when I was 250. Did you go outside?

00:20:08.000 No, I'm on my treadmill.

00:20:09.000 Everything's on my treadmill.

00:20:10.000 I get in, I watch one of those Rock's workout videos and get inspired.

00:20:14.000 The Rock?

00:20:15.000 Dude, his workout videos are fucking awesome.

00:20:18.000 Do you not follow him on Instagram?

00:20:19.000 Oh, he's the best.

00:20:19.000 Dude, when he hit me up, does anyone remember the most beautiful day of my life?

00:20:25.000 I work out in The Rock's shirt.

00:20:27.000 I always have The Rock's shirt on.

00:20:28.000 Which one?

00:20:28.000 The Bull?

00:20:29.000 No, it's the...

00:20:30.000 The Under Armour shirt?

00:20:30.000 No, they're not out yet.

00:20:31.000 They're coming out soon, and I'm getting all of them.

00:20:32.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:20:33.000 You have a...

00:20:34.000 I have a man crush on The Rock.

00:20:35.000 But also, a part of this thing is finding inspiration to work out.

00:20:39.000 That Creedence Clearwater thing, that's real.

00:20:41.000 That's what I do.

00:20:42.000 I play that, and then you get on the thing, and you're like, fuck it.

00:20:45.000 Let's just start running.

00:20:46.000 Let the midnight special shine a light on me.

00:20:51.000 The Rock.

00:20:52.000 Anyway, I would wear his shirt and I would do videos for The Rock to see.

00:20:56.000 And in the process, I'd work out.

00:20:58.000 I'd work out.

00:20:59.000 Because I'd want The Rock to see him.

00:21:00.000 Then he saw one.

00:21:01.000 And he was like, I made a video where I made a line.

00:21:04.000 I was like, you know, this is the best line.

00:21:06.000 I go, today I'm doing two-a-days.

00:21:09.000 For those of you who didn't play football in high school, two-a-days.

00:21:11.000 Or for those of you who didn't get pussy back in high school, two-a-days are what us badasses did to put hair on our balls.

00:21:16.000 And The Rock loved it.

00:21:17.000 And he goes, that two-a-days line had me rolling.

00:21:19.000 And then he goes, team Burt.

00:21:21.000 I lost my shit.

00:21:22.000 But then I called him.

00:21:23.000 I go, you never did two-a-days.

00:21:26.000 And he goes, I know.

00:21:27.000 I played baseball.

00:21:30.000 It's been the fucking funnest.

00:21:32.000 Have you guys seen Andrew Santino's bit about The Rock?

00:21:34.000 No, that's who it is.

00:21:35.000 I was trying to tell somebody that I heard about somebody who has an awesome bit.

00:21:39.000 It's fucking hilarious.

00:21:41.000 Really?

00:21:41.000 It's hilarious.

00:21:42.000 I want to see it now.

00:21:44.000 I don't want to say any of it.

00:21:45.000 Andrew Santino came up on my podcast last week, oddly enough.

00:21:48.000 He's got red hair?

00:21:48.000 Yes.

00:21:49.000 Yeah.

00:21:50.000 Funny dude.

00:21:50.000 I want to see that bit.

00:21:51.000 I got Joey on my podcast tonight.

00:21:53.000 Good luck staying sober.

00:21:54.000 Wayans are going to be tough tomorrow.

00:21:56.000 Eat a star, death son.

00:21:57.000 He was on the podcast yesterday.

00:21:59.000 We did a UFC fight recap with Joey.

00:22:01.000 He's the best.

00:22:02.000 He was at my house for fucking Christmas Eve.

00:22:04.000 Was he really?

00:22:05.000 Destroying my dad.

00:22:06.000 Did you see the video I put it on?

00:22:08.000 Did he give your dad an edible?

00:22:09.000 He says he did.

00:22:10.000 It's undisclosed because my dad passed out hard as fuck and Joey just walked out and goes, I dosed Mr. K and left.

00:22:19.000 Did he do it before, though?

00:22:20.000 Didn't he give him some popcorn before?

00:22:22.000 Yeah, he gave him popcorn one time.

00:22:23.000 Dude, the best, though, is that video, the video is so funny, of Christmas Day with Joey and Mr. Kreischer smoking and laughing and trying to stop laughing.

00:22:32.000 He's, like, turning to people like, I don't know what to do.

00:22:34.000 Like, he's just laughing so fucking hard.

00:22:36.000 I robbed this fucking Puerto Rican, and my dad's a lawyer.

00:22:39.000 My dad's going, Joey, Joey!

00:22:43.000 My dad loves Joey.

00:22:44.000 Literally, I called Joey the day before Christmas Eve.

00:22:46.000 I was like, you're coming over, right?

00:22:47.000 And he's like, this is what I love about Joey.

00:22:49.000 It's no fucking bullshit.

00:22:50.000 He goes, what time?

00:22:52.000 Five o'clock.

00:22:53.000 See you then, cocksucker.

00:22:54.000 Click.

00:22:55.000 And his daughter is like the perfect age for my daughters to feel like they're doing something good.

00:23:00.000 So they chase her around the whole time.

00:23:03.000 But you guys are like real close to each other, right?

00:23:05.000 When we started getting broken in by homeless people.

00:23:08.000 Let's play this.

00:23:11.000 We had a German Shepherd up there.

00:23:13.000 A real...

00:23:14.000 His name was Killer.

00:23:15.000 That was his fucking name, Killer.

00:23:17.000 Nice little fire pit, dude.

00:23:18.000 And one day, Killer was fucking around with ham and food.

00:23:22.000 And I'm a kid, I don't know what the fuck.

00:23:24.000 He's throwing ham up in the air.

00:23:26.000 I pick up the ham, and that motherfucker...

00:23:29.000 What are you gonna do with that?

00:23:30.000 Throw it up in the air.

00:23:32.000 What you were saying, you just saying homeless people broke in your house?

00:23:35.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:23:37.000 He took a chunk out of my face.

00:23:40.000 That was number one.

00:23:41.000 Then about a month or two later, I went to the 48th Street, in the wrong way, I got my godmother's house.

00:23:49.000 I would go there during the week when I had no school and play with the kids.

00:23:53.000 She had a nice neighborhood.

00:23:55.000 This is what Joey does every Christmas Eve.

00:23:58.000 Holds court.

00:23:59.000 He holds court.

00:24:00.000 Yeah.

00:24:01.000 Yeah, you told me that story that someone was walking down your driveway.

00:24:04.000 Yeah.

00:24:04.000 Yeah, some homeless person.

00:24:05.000 We had two experiences.

00:24:06.000 Because of the construction?

00:24:08.000 Because of the construction.

00:24:09.000 And Joey's the kind of guy, and this is just, the thing he doesn't say, the thing is just, dog, I drive by your house every night at home.

00:24:16.000 I drive by just to make sure everything's okay.

00:24:17.000 Every fucking night when he's coming home from the store, just drives by my house.

00:24:21.000 He's a great guy, man.

00:24:21.000 He's the fucking greatest, man.

00:24:22.000 He really is.

00:24:23.000 He's a great guy.

00:24:23.000 Should we weigh in?

00:24:24.000 Let's weigh in.

00:24:24.000 Let's do the steaks first.

00:24:25.000 Let's do the steaks.

00:24:25.000 Now, you started out at what weight?

00:24:28.000 What weight before you started?

00:24:30.000 You started in August, right?

00:24:31.000 Yeah.

00:24:31.000 What were you at your heaviest?

00:24:33.000 267. Holy shit, dude.

00:24:35.000 Yeah.

00:24:35.000 You were closing in on three.

00:24:37.000 Yeah.

00:24:37.000 Holy shit, you were 267?

00:24:39.000 Yeah.

00:24:39.000 Wow.

00:24:40.000 How'd you feel?

00:24:41.000 Not good, man.

00:24:42.000 I mean, I can't say that I woke up and I'm like, oh, I feel it.

00:24:46.000 But I was, you know, I was still, here's the thing, at my heaviest, I would still lift weights a couple times a week.

00:24:50.000 I still would.

00:24:51.000 I would still do squats.

00:24:53.000 I'd still do power cleans.

00:24:54.000 But I was just eating recklessly, like, whatever I wanted.

00:24:58.000 I went to dinner at his house.

00:25:00.000 I went to dinner at his house, me and Leanne.

00:25:02.000 This is at their old house.

00:25:03.000 Yeah.

00:25:03.000 And it was right after they had the baby.

00:25:06.000 And Tom cooked us each a steak, like a full ribeye, and then we each got like nine shrimps, and then we each got a slab of potatoes, and then we got a whole stack of greens.

00:25:15.000 And we didn't eat it all, and Tom ate it all, and he's like, you didn't like yours?

00:25:18.000 And we're like, no, it's a meal for like three people.

00:25:21.000 Yeah, I would eat that every day.

00:25:23.000 Wow.

00:25:23.000 I mean, that's how you get to 67%!

00:25:26.000 So, I just felt like, you know, and then, honestly, like, clothes, too.

00:25:30.000 It's so something you don't think about, but you'd be like, oh, I want to get this shirt.

00:25:34.000 And you put it on, and you're like, do you have a bigger shirt?

00:25:36.000 And they're like, we don't make bigger than that.

00:25:38.000 That's the biggest shirt.

00:25:38.000 And I was like, fuck, man.

00:25:39.000 You go to Gap, and you're like, do you guys have 40s?

00:25:42.000 And they're like, we don't make 40s.

00:25:43.000 And you're like, oh, so I got to shop at a different store now?

00:25:47.000 This is something I think that has been at the base of everything.

00:25:50.000 I also did a Showtime special shirtless during this entire fat shaming campaign, which did not help.

00:25:56.000 But you do every show shirtless.

00:25:58.000 Not to deflect or whatever, but part of the reason I started doing a shirtless is I didn't look good in collared shirts.

00:26:05.000 And I couldn't wear a t-shirt.

00:26:06.000 And so I just came on stage and ripped my shirt off and I was a little fat.

00:26:10.000 I was like 250, 260. And people just thought it was funny and I'd just leave it off.

00:26:13.000 I didn't give a fuck.

00:26:15.000 And then this weekend I took my shirt off and I'm not skinny by any stretch of the means, but I'm not 260 anymore, 250. And it just was flatlined.

00:26:23.000 And I was like, okay, looks like the shirt's going back on from now on.

00:26:26.000 Yeah.

00:26:27.000 The machinist is wearing shirts.

00:26:28.000 The machinist is going to wear a shirt.

00:26:30.000 The machinist is the new bird.

00:26:31.000 So wait, so 267, and then on our challenge day, I would say I was 245, right?

00:26:36.000 So, wow.

00:26:37.000 So you had already dropped.

00:26:38.000 Like 20 pounds.

00:26:39.000 And what did you start at?

00:26:40.000 On our challenge day, I just said I was 245, thinking that it wouldn't turn into a bat.

00:26:44.000 No, you said 240. I said 240. Look at this.

00:26:47.000 The machinist.

00:26:48.000 But when I got home, the day after, when I got home- You called me, you go, I was actually 250. I was 250 the day when I started, and then I was 256 when I started the diet.

00:26:59.000 The day I started the diet was Thanksgiving, 256. And that's probably the highest I weighed in ever that I saw myself on a scale is 256. And so the goal weight was around 225?

00:27:11.000 227. 227 meant, the deal was this.

00:27:15.000 Whoever is the lowest weight win, is technically the winner, but if we're both 227 or under, then the burden of paying for things is supposed to go to Ari.

00:27:27.000 Oh, I like that.

00:27:29.000 Yeah.

00:27:29.000 So does Ari pay for both trips?

00:27:31.000 Yes.

00:27:31.000 Well, no, no.

00:27:32.000 We pick one trip.

00:27:34.000 We pick one trip, but Ari pays for the tickets to the trip.

00:27:37.000 But how do you choose a trip?

00:27:38.000 Because if you win, you're going to Super Bowl.

00:27:40.000 Well, oddly enough, I'm in Europe when Tom's talking about that game, so I go to that game in a heartbeat.

00:27:47.000 Oh, really?

00:27:47.000 Let's explain that.

00:27:49.000 If I won, I wanted him to take me to Barcelona's playing Paris Saint Germain, round of 16, European Cup game.

00:27:57.000 So we would go to Paris.

00:28:00.000 And you told me initially that you wanted to go to the Super Bowl, so I thought it was the Super Bowl.

00:28:03.000 Yeah, I'd go to Paris, so I'm going to be in London.

00:28:06.000 What, filming?

00:28:06.000 No, no, just taking the girls.

00:28:08.000 Oh, awesome.

00:28:09.000 I make a lot of money, so...

00:28:10.000 I can't say that to either of you, too!

00:28:20.000 So Ari will pay for that?

00:28:22.000 He'll fly you guys to Paris?

00:28:23.000 I'm gonna already be there.

00:28:24.000 I just need the ticket.

00:28:25.000 Ticket to the game.

00:28:26.000 You shouldn't tell him that.

00:28:27.000 I need the flight.

00:28:28.000 Yeah, you need the flight.

00:28:29.000 Now, the thing is, will he meet us?

00:28:30.000 Meals, too.

00:28:31.000 I say meals.

00:28:31.000 Because he's off the grid.

00:28:32.000 Is he gonna come meet us?

00:28:33.000 Yeah, why not?

00:28:33.000 He won't even know.

00:28:34.000 How are you gonna get in touch with him?

00:28:35.000 I don't know.

00:28:36.000 He probably doesn't have a phone anymore.

00:28:37.000 It was based on our BMI. So when we gave him our original BMI versus our height, it was, we were obese.

00:28:42.000 And he said, I bet you can't get into just simply overweight.

00:28:45.000 And simply overweight, the threshold is 227. So if we got under 227, both of us, but if one of us today does not get under 227, then that person has to pay for the trip.

00:28:55.000 How does that work, that body mass index?

00:28:57.000 Because you were checking your body fat, or is this just a height term?

00:29:00.000 Yeah, it's height to weight, and it's super outdated, and they actually updated, there's a newer version called the Smart BMI, which took into account also the fact that more people are just even bigger.

00:29:11.000 Like, you're obese.

00:29:12.000 I guarantee you're obese.

00:29:13.000 I'm overweight.

00:29:14.000 Yeah, I'm overweight by the BMI. But that's because somewhere in my background someone fucked a monkey.

00:29:19.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:29:21.000 Someone.

00:29:21.000 Someone on my great-grandpa's day.

00:29:23.000 Someone fucked a gorilla.

00:29:24.000 Something happened.

00:29:25.000 Something was wrong.

00:29:26.000 And so that became the bet if we could get into just being overweight, which I think, personally, looking at him and feeling, knowing me, I did not weigh in today because I was scared.

00:29:35.000 But I think...

00:29:36.000 You feel like you're there.

00:29:37.000 I think I'm there.

00:29:38.000 I think I was there before...

00:29:39.000 I know I was there before yesterday morning, and then I worked out pretty hard last night and this morning, but I didn't want to get on the scale because I didn't want to come in let down if I wasn't.

00:29:47.000 Okay, so first of all, let's do rock, paper, scissors, see who goes first.

00:29:51.000 Okay.

00:29:52.000 So you two.

00:29:52.000 Okay, ready?

00:29:53.000 Yeah.

00:29:53.000 One, two, three.

00:29:55.000 What are you doing?

00:29:56.000 I didn't know what you were doing.

00:29:58.000 Let me do it.

00:29:58.000 I'll do the count.

00:29:59.000 I'll do the count.

00:30:00.000 You guys get your hands up.

00:30:01.000 Ready?

00:30:01.000 One, two, three.

00:30:03.000 Gotcha.

00:30:04.000 Okay, Bert won that one.

00:30:05.000 One, two, three.

00:30:07.000 Okay.

00:30:07.000 Even.

00:30:08.000 One, two, three.

00:30:09.000 Gotcha.

00:30:10.000 Okay.

00:30:10.000 Bert wins.

00:30:11.000 So would you like to go first or would you like Tom to go first?

00:30:14.000 I like to weigh in first.

00:30:15.000 I'm so fucking thirsty.

00:30:17.000 So, we're gonna move over to Tom's microphone over there.

00:30:22.000 Excuse me?

00:30:23.000 Do you have a wide shot?

00:30:24.000 Yeah, we can get the whole room.

00:30:26.000 We're gonna use that camera up there.

00:30:29.000 So we'll be using that camera up here.

00:30:33.000 Here we go.

00:30:35.000 Am I in the shot?

00:30:35.000 Are we doing this on carpet?

00:30:37.000 Take your clothes off, first of all.

00:30:38.000 You definitely want to take your clothes off.

00:30:40.000 Do you want to calibrate this?

00:30:41.000 Well, I know it works.

00:30:42.000 Hold on.

00:30:42.000 Like, I know, but let's make sure we know if it's exactly right, because it may not be like my scale at home.

00:30:47.000 I'm always around 200 pounds.

00:30:50.000 201. So I'm 201 with my clothes on, which is like 199. He's got a rubber suit on, the whole deal.

00:30:59.000 Oh, okay.

00:31:00.000 How many layers do you want?

00:31:01.000 Can you see it?

00:31:02.000 A lot of layers on, dude.

00:31:03.000 The light's up, though.

00:31:04.000 Okay, so for folks that are just listening here, we're in the studio here, and Jamie is setting up the camera for YouTube so that it will point directly down at the scale.

00:31:16.000 Bert is looking considerably slimmer.

00:31:20.000 Considerably slimmer.

00:31:21.000 He's got multiple layers on, and now he's down to underwear, which are probably wet.

00:31:28.000 He took the first layer of underwear off.

00:31:30.000 Socks.

00:31:32.000 Drum roll, ladies and gentlemen.

00:31:38.000 He's drying himself off like a wrestling tournament.

00:31:42.000 Jesus Christ.

00:31:43.000 Okay, here we go.

00:31:45.000 Below 227, everybody.

00:31:46.000 Here we go.

00:31:47.000 Bert Kreischer.

00:31:48.000 Call it out, Joe.

00:31:53.000 221!

00:31:54.000 Holy shit!

00:31:56.000 Holy shit!

00:32:00.000 Oh, no, but it's right.

00:32:01.000 I checked my own weight.

00:32:03.000 It's right.

00:32:03.000 This is what I use at home, too.

00:32:05.000 But we can.

00:32:05.000 We can check.

00:32:06.000 That was 221.6, right?

00:32:08.000 35?

00:32:09.000 Yeah, 34.6.

00:32:10.000 Yeah, that's it.

00:32:11.000 That's it.

00:32:12.000 221, Tommy.

00:32:14.000 221, ladies and gentlemen.

00:32:15.000 221, Tommy.

00:32:15.000 Holy shit!

00:32:17.000 Tommy, now my prediction...

00:32:17.000 Holy shit!

00:32:18.000 Now, Joe, my prediction was Tommy wasn't going to take his shirt off for weigh-ins.

00:32:21.000 Oh, I will.

00:32:22.000 He's got to now.

00:32:24.000 That shirt is precious ounces.

00:32:26.000 221. My man went hard.

00:32:28.000 Fuck yes.

00:32:30.000 I feel like fucking Chris Cyborg.

00:32:31.000 He's taking his watch off.

00:32:32.000 Oh, I have my watch on!

00:32:33.000 That's probably at least a few ounces.

00:32:36.000 That's a good watch.

00:32:37.000 That's a beautiful watch, by the way.

00:32:38.000 I'm going to make a drink.

00:32:40.000 Oh, he's going to drink while it's going on.

00:32:43.000 Oh my goodness.

00:32:44.000 This is chaos.

00:32:45.000 Here we go.

00:32:46.000 Tommy looking very slim, too.

00:32:48.000 Here we go, ladies and gentlemen.

00:32:50.000 2-fucking-19!

00:32:52.000 2-19!

00:32:54.000 Holy shit!

00:32:56.000 Holy shit!

00:32:58.000 Holy shit!

00:33:00.000 Holy shit!

00:33:02.000 Wow!

00:33:04.000 First of all, congratulations to the both of you.

00:33:08.000 That is gigantic.

00:33:11.000 I'm so thirsty, it's ridiculous.

00:33:14.000 We got some coconut water if you want to get some electrolytes in you.

00:33:18.000 Holy shit!

00:33:19.000 You guys want a coconut water?

00:33:20.000 No, no, I'm good.

00:33:21.000 God, do you want a coconut water?

00:33:22.000 Are there calories in this?

00:33:24.000 No, not at all.

00:33:24.000 It's Stevia.

00:33:26.000 It's called Zevia.

00:33:27.000 It's like a soda.

00:33:28.000 Are you 19, Tommy?

00:33:28.000 Holy shit!

00:33:30.000 Wow!

00:33:31.000 So those extra pounds, like whatever, you know, you didn't drink water, that all made up for it.

00:33:36.000 God damn.

00:33:37.000 Should we have to do this all again together tomorrow?

00:33:39.000 A fuckload of weight.

00:33:40.000 What happens tomorrow?

00:33:41.000 Let's say tomorrow.

00:33:42.000 That's a good question.

00:33:43.000 Well, first of all, we have one victory.

00:33:45.000 Well, here, mmm, man.

00:33:47.000 Let's sit down.

00:33:48.000 Let's sit down.

00:33:48.000 Okay, we got this out of the way.

00:33:54.000 Oh my god, I'm so thirsty.

00:33:55.000 Wow.

00:33:56.000 Very impressive.

00:33:58.000 Tommy, you went from 267?

00:34:02.000 Yeah.

00:34:03.000 267 down to 219. Holy shit, that's amazing.

00:34:08.000 You could see it in your face, too.

00:34:10.000 Jesus.

00:34:11.000 You know, that video that I took a still of it and I put it up on Instagram today?

00:34:15.000 Yeah.

00:34:16.000 But that one video, I was looking at your face, I'm like, Jesus, you look so fucking healthy.

00:34:20.000 Thanks, man.

00:34:20.000 He busted open his food when he got there.

00:34:22.000 Yeah, some chicken.

00:34:23.000 Little pieces of dried chicken and fucking broccoli and stuff.

00:34:26.000 Avocado, yeah.

00:34:28.000 I just can't eat today.

00:34:29.000 I just can't have fluids today and then fucking go to Burt Williams and sweat it out.

00:34:32.000 Are you thinking, Burt, about that pulled pork and black eyed peas and all that jazz you ate and you think that might have fucked you?

00:34:39.000 I don't know.

00:34:40.000 I think I'm fucking shocked I'm 221 to be dead on this week.

00:34:43.000 That's amazing.

00:34:44.000 That's amazing.

00:34:45.000 It's amazing.

00:34:46.000 You both look great.

00:34:47.000 You really do.

00:34:48.000 Your faces look like two different people.

00:34:51.000 I know.

00:34:51.000 It is weird.

00:34:52.000 When I saw him, we were at All Things Comedy the other day, and I walked up behind him, and I didn't recognize him.

00:34:58.000 I go, you went from the little cuddly, chubby friend I have where we giggle to this dude who looks like he videotapes himself fucking.

00:35:10.000 But you guys are like...

00:35:12.000 Bert, you're like real close to getting down to 200 pounds.

00:35:17.000 Dude, considering I did this in like 30 days, yeah.

00:35:20.000 You both could be 200 pounds.

00:35:24.000 Yeah, well the thing is, you know, I don't want to like, I haven't changed my lifestyle at all technically.

00:35:28.000 Like I've changed the way I eat.

00:35:29.000 I eat so fucking clean right now, like literally except for last night.

00:35:32.000 I've only had lean proteins and greens for every meal.

00:35:35.000 I do big fucking, your, the, uh, hulk cum shakes?

00:35:39.000 Yeah, hulk loads.

00:35:41.000 I call it hulk cum.

00:35:42.000 I do those shakes like once a day and I'm under a thousand calories.

00:35:47.000 My wife, what's upsetting her is she's like, how do we transition this into a healthy lifestyle?

00:35:52.000 Which is fine.

00:35:53.000 I think once you get...

00:35:54.000 She's right.

00:35:54.000 Yeah.

00:35:55.000 And it's like, I can't continue this.

00:35:57.000 No.

00:35:57.000 Like, I had to push back a cardiologist appointment.

00:35:59.000 I was like, I don't want him to see me like this.

00:36:01.000 Like, I'll wait until I get healthy again.

00:36:03.000 You know?

00:36:03.000 Yeah.

00:36:04.000 This is not entirely healthy to just drain yourself and dehydrate yourself.

00:36:10.000 You're drinking so much water.

00:36:11.000 You're like a dog that just got back from the park.

00:36:14.000 You know what's crazy?

00:36:16.000 I understand.

00:36:17.000 I watched Chris Cyborg's breaking weight loss thing.

00:36:20.000 Did you see that?

00:36:21.000 Mm-hmm.

00:36:22.000 Yeah, it's horrible.

00:36:23.000 And I watched it and I thought, if I can have half that intensity.

00:36:26.000 That whole time.

00:36:27.000 I watched it at the very beginning of the weight loss.

00:36:28.000 I said, if I can have half her intensity in that moment.

00:36:30.000 What did she do?

00:36:31.000 Oh, dude.

00:36:32.000 She's crying.

00:36:33.000 It's awful.

00:36:33.000 To make weight?

00:36:34.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:36:35.000 And her body's apparently really fucked up from it.

00:36:37.000 She just got...

00:36:38.000 She just pissed hot for some sort of...

00:36:42.000 Well, it's really difficult to say exactly what's going on because what she took was something called Spironolactane, which is illegal in USADA. You're not allowed to take it.

00:36:52.000 But her doctor, she says, told her she could take it out of competition.

00:36:56.000 She passed on a bunch of title fights, though.

00:36:59.000 And the UFC was concerned, so they tested her.

00:37:02.000 And apparently people take that.

00:37:03.000 It's a diuretic.

00:37:05.000 And what she was saying was that her body's all fucked up and hanging on to water now.

00:37:11.000 And then she's taking this just to try to level herself out because draining herself down to 140 was so bad for her that her whole system's all fucked up.

00:37:19.000 The controversy is, though, that that same drug is also taken by people who are women who do steroids to minimize the effects of testosterone.

00:37:29.000 Okay.

00:37:29.000 So we don't really know.

00:37:31.000 I mean, it's their word.

00:37:32.000 It's who knows?

00:37:33.000 Who knows?

00:37:34.000 It's amazing what you watch when you're focusing on getting in shape.

00:37:38.000 The other thing I watch is this guy, Rich Froning.

00:37:40.000 Do you know who that is?

00:37:40.000 Oh, yeah.

00:37:41.000 The CrossFit champ.

00:37:42.000 Yeah.

00:37:42.000 Dude, he is like...

00:37:44.000 He's a savage.

00:37:44.000 He's a borderline sociopath.

00:37:46.000 Like, the way he focuses on working out, it's just like he's almost dead inside.

00:37:50.000 There's no enjoyment to it.

00:37:51.000 It's almost like an obsession.

00:37:52.000 So I started looking at it like that.

00:37:54.000 Don't enjoy jogging.

00:37:56.000 Just make it an obsession.

00:37:57.000 My thing was I'd get on the treadmill and I'd go, just one more mile.

00:38:00.000 Just do one more mile.

00:38:01.000 Everyone would do one more mile.

00:38:02.000 This morning I was like, maybe if you're on this mile at a seven, maybe that'll make the difference today.

00:38:08.000 And I just would get obsessive about it.

00:38:11.000 Anybody want an alpha brain?

00:38:12.000 Want some alpha brain in your water?

00:38:13.000 If I have some little things in my body, if I touch that, I'd fucking explode.

00:38:18.000 I'm going to go ice skating tonight.

00:38:19.000 Oh yeah?

00:38:20.000 With my daughters.

00:38:21.000 For a little exercise?

00:38:22.000 I'm looking at it that way.

00:38:23.000 I'm gonna look at it as fun.

00:38:24.000 I look at it as burning calories.

00:38:25.000 Wow.

00:38:26.000 Now, how are we gonna do this in terms of tomorrow?

00:38:30.000 Because you guys are real close.

00:38:31.000 Yeah.

00:38:32.000 So you are 219, you're 221. We're only talking about a couple of pounds.

00:38:37.000 So those couple of pounds, what if one of you loses more than that tomorrow?

00:38:43.000 But like what if Bert gets down to like 206 tomorrow or something ridiculous?

00:38:49.000 I don't know.

00:38:49.000 What do we do?

00:38:50.000 That's a good question.

00:38:51.000 Do we average out the two weights?

00:38:52.000 Well, if we average out the two weights, it's whoever loses the most overall.

00:38:59.000 Because otherwise, we're just going to have a draw or a victory, right?

00:39:03.000 If you win again tomorrow, it's easy, right?

00:39:06.000 Because you won today.

00:39:07.000 But if Burt wins tomorrow, but what if he wins tomorrow by the exact same amount?

00:39:13.000 Are you talking about total weight loss or just whoever's lighter?

00:39:17.000 We're just saying, what if tomorrow we come in and you weigh two pounds less than me?

00:39:23.000 Tomorrow.

00:39:23.000 Right, but then we each won one day.

00:39:26.000 So you were 221, you were 219, correct?

00:39:28.000 Right.

00:39:28.000 So we're really only dealing with two pounds.

00:39:30.000 Yeah.

00:39:30.000 That's so negligible.

00:39:32.000 I mean, that's a few of these.

00:39:34.000 Yeah.

00:39:35.000 I mean, you can suck that out of your body.

00:39:37.000 Yeah.

00:39:37.000 That can be done.

00:39:38.000 So the question is...

00:39:41.000 What if tomorrow Burt wins, but he only wins by half a pound?

00:39:45.000 Right.

00:39:46.000 Do you win overall?

00:39:47.000 So I have to win by three pounds?

00:39:50.000 Well, that's what we're trying to figure out.

00:39:52.000 I might as well shave my beard right now.

00:39:55.000 So I can get the regrowth started already.

00:39:57.000 Wow, it gets kind of dangerous.

00:39:59.000 You guys are going to hit that freakish...

00:40:03.000 Are you guys taking anything?

00:40:05.000 Taking any diuretics or anything?

00:40:06.000 No, I haven't even started yet.

00:40:07.000 I'd recommend it.

00:40:11.000 That's what I would say.

00:40:12.000 I was your friend.

00:40:13.000 Diuretics?

00:40:14.000 I would say.

00:40:15.000 Do they have them at the CVS? Oh yeah.

00:40:17.000 Really?

00:40:17.000 What happens?

00:40:18.000 Shit your brains out.

00:40:19.000 Piss like a fucking racehorse.

00:40:21.000 I haven't shit in like three days because I'm not taking any calories in.

00:40:26.000 Um...

00:40:27.000 Man, this is where it gets squirrely because you guys are on the wire.

00:40:30.000 I mean, clearly Tom won, but he only won by two pounds.

00:40:34.000 That's the wire.

00:40:35.000 I can't believe that because I thought you'd win.

00:40:37.000 I thought I'd weigh 227 today.

00:40:40.000 Yeah, that's the thing.

00:40:40.000 He comes in and he's like, I think I'm 227. I was like, oh, Jesus.

00:40:43.000 Okay.

00:40:44.000 He's 221. That's marathons.

00:40:47.000 Run the marathons.

00:40:48.000 Wow, yeah, you've been literally doing marathons.

00:40:51.000 Yeah, I don't do them all at once.

00:40:52.000 I break it up during the day, so I get up at like 6, have a cup of coffee, walk at like a 3.5, walk a mile in like 17 minutes, and then sit down at the computer, see if I'm trending, and see how many views are on my Facebook video, and then get back on, and then I'll run.

00:41:07.000 I'll run like two miles, then go fuck around with the girls, come back, get on.

00:41:11.000 That's the way I do it.

00:41:12.000 I break it up.

00:41:12.000 So like right now I got eight miles on the treadmill.

00:41:15.000 I'll do a podcast with Joey tonight, get back on the treadmill, bang out another 8, and I'll have 16 miles today.

00:41:19.000 Wow.

00:41:20.000 Now, are you walking, running, combination?

00:41:22.000 A mix.

00:41:22.000 What I like to do, my favorite thing to do is I walk 100 yards on the treadmill, and then I run 300 yards.

00:41:29.000 So, like, I'll run at, like, 7.5 over 200, over half of the lap around the circle.

00:41:36.000 So the other day when you posted that video and it was five hours?

00:41:38.000 Yeah.

00:41:39.000 Was that broken up?

00:41:40.000 Through the day.

00:41:40.000 Starting at 6 a.m., ending at probably 9 at night.

00:41:45.000 Wow.

00:41:45.000 Yesterday I ran three miles first thing in the morning, then went to the Rams game, put on two pulled porks on the big green egg.

00:41:52.000 Went to the Rams game.

00:41:53.000 It cooked at 300 degrees perfectly for five hours.

00:41:57.000 Thank you, Eric Grusin.

00:41:58.000 When you put it on the big green egg, how do you keep the temperature stable for that long?

00:42:01.000 You regulate it with the pipe up top and the bottom, and you just fill it with charcoals, and once you get it to like 225, If you got it regulated, it's not going to go much higher because it's not getting much air in.

00:42:11.000 And then slowly the charcoals will burn, and then it just cooks.

00:42:14.000 You don't open it, it just cooks.

00:42:15.000 But if you open it all the way, it's going to get way high.

00:42:17.000 It gets way, like 700 degrees.

00:42:18.000 Yeah, I got one of those.

00:42:20.000 I have a Kamado, but it's basically the same thing.

00:42:22.000 Yeah.

00:42:22.000 Have you ever tried it with one of those pellet grills, though?

00:42:25.000 I got...

00:42:25.000 I wish I remember his name right now.

00:42:28.000 Green Mountain Grill?

00:42:28.000 What's his name?

00:42:29.000 Brett.

00:42:30.000 Brett.

00:42:30.000 Yeah.

00:42:31.000 I love my Green Mountain Grill.

00:42:32.000 I just got new pellets.

00:42:33.000 That thing's fucking better than anything.

00:42:35.000 You put it in there and you're like, 225, five hours, perfect.

00:42:39.000 Yeah, it stays at that temperature.

00:42:40.000 What kind of grill is it?

00:42:41.000 It's a pellet grill.

00:42:43.000 What they do is they take...

00:42:44.000 You know when you go...

00:42:45.000 God, what the fuck is wrong with my voice today?

00:42:47.000 You know, if you go to a lumber yard and they cut up hardwood?

00:42:51.000 The sawdust from the hardwood, they take that stuff and they compress it, and the natural sugars in the wood allows them to compress it down to what looks like cereal or kitty litter or something, like little tiny cylinders, little small cylinders.

00:43:06.000 And they take that and you pour it into this hopper, so it's this large bin, and then there's a worm drive at the bottom that slowly turns this stuff into a heating element.

00:43:17.000 And the heating element is inside the chamber of this big steel box.

00:43:21.000 And the heating element, there it is.

00:43:22.000 You see it there.

00:43:23.000 Those are the pellets.

00:43:24.000 So those are hardwood pellets.

00:43:25.000 There's no glue in them.

00:43:26.000 There's no nothing.

00:43:27.000 It's just the natural sugars from the wood.

00:43:30.000 And when you use the machine, when you close that lid, there you get to see it there.

00:43:36.000 You could regulate the temperature, and it keeps it exactly at that temperature.

00:43:43.000 And that hopper, that'll last for, you know, fucking 10, 12 hours.

00:43:47.000 Really?

00:43:48.000 It's amazing.

00:43:49.000 Yeah, they're incredible.

00:43:50.000 And how hot can it go?

00:43:51.000 Can it go full 600?

00:43:52.000 Well, I have one that's a Yoder.

00:43:55.000 It's a really good one.

00:43:58.000 It's made out of cast iron.

00:44:00.000 It's real fucking heavy.

00:44:01.000 Yoder makes these amazing smokers.

00:44:03.000 And mine has a direct heating option where you take out that big diffusion plate and you put in these grill grates and it has direct fire that goes right underneath the grill grates.

00:44:13.000 I sear steaks on it and I cook elk on it all the time.

00:44:17.000 It's the best.

00:44:17.000 It's amazing.

00:44:18.000 It really is.

00:44:19.000 And you get that, like, smoky flavor to it, too, because it's cooking with fire.

00:44:23.000 Yeah.

00:44:23.000 It's wood and fire, so it's got a beautiful flavor to the food.

00:44:27.000 And if you don't want to—what I do sometimes, my daughters don't like smoked food, is I'll wrap some ribs up in tinfoil and put them in there, and they still cook.

00:44:35.000 Like an oven.

00:44:35.000 Yeah, it's an oven.

00:44:36.000 It still cooks at 225, and then you smoke two other racks.

00:44:39.000 Dude, it's fucking amazing.

00:44:41.000 Yeah, it's like you're cooking with an oven, but it's all fire.

00:44:44.000 Yeah.

00:44:45.000 Instead of gas heat or whatever the hell, electric heat.

00:44:50.000 I love it, man.

00:44:51.000 So why'd you use the Green Mountain Grill instead of the...

00:44:53.000 Or why'd you use the Big Green Egg instead of the Green Mountain Grill?

00:44:57.000 I wanted to see if I could use it.

00:44:58.000 I just got it.

00:44:58.000 My dad got it for me for Christmas.

00:45:01.000 Because I like the ritual of cooking.

00:45:03.000 I like the ritual of starting up charcoal and then getting it into it.

00:45:08.000 So...

00:45:09.000 So yesterday I ran three miles, put on these two Boston butts, bone-in Boston butts, and then closed it.

00:45:16.000 It made things fun.

00:45:18.000 I'm sitting at the fucking Rams game going like, I wonder if the grill's too hot.

00:45:22.000 Like, shit, did I fuck it?

00:45:23.000 It's like betting on a game.

00:45:24.000 By the way, went to the Rams game yesterday, I told Tommy, with a jersey that had the machine written on the back of it.

00:45:31.000 Oh God.

00:45:31.000 I've never been recognized more in my fucking life.

00:45:36.000 I mean, dudes were coming down to my seat going, hey, can I get a picture of you?

00:45:41.000 Because it just says on the back of my shirt.

00:45:43.000 It was a gift from my management company, and it's a Rams jersey.

00:45:47.000 I was like, I'll fucking wear it.

00:45:49.000 As soon as I walked in the stadium, big dude goes, the machine!

00:45:52.000 And then I turn around, and he goes, oh shit, it's the machine!

00:45:54.000 And I was like, he just thought it was a dude with the machine on the back.

00:45:58.000 So he's like, the machine!

00:45:59.000 And I turn around, and he's like, my daughters are like, dad, fucking stop it.

00:46:03.000 Yeah, that must be embarrassing for the kids.

00:46:06.000 Yeah.

00:46:09.000 Have you ever thought about getting one of them offset smokers where you throw logs in there?

00:46:13.000 Like those old-school Texas-style ones?

00:46:15.000 Yeah.

00:46:15.000 Yeah, me too.

00:46:16.000 Put it in the back corner by the chickens and just have a big oil can and they just open up.

00:46:23.000 I love one of those.

00:46:24.000 Yeah, that's the real ritual, right?

00:46:27.000 Yeah.

00:46:28.000 I had a barrel grill where you have to take off the grates while you're cooking to keep adding coal and wood chips to it.

00:46:38.000 Oh, old school.

00:46:39.000 Old school, yeah.

00:46:41.000 Yeah, there's something about that.

00:46:42.000 Do women appreciate that?

00:46:44.000 Is that a male thing?

00:46:45.000 I like working with fire.

00:46:47.000 Yeah.

00:46:48.000 You don't see a whole lot of women grilling.

00:46:50.000 I don't see a lot, no.

00:46:51.000 Not a lot.

00:46:51.000 Sure, there definitely are.

00:46:53.000 Sure, but it's not like they can't do it.

00:46:55.000 Right, but I don't see a lot.

00:46:55.000 What the hell is that?

00:46:57.000 Women like to cook, but men want to cook outside over fire.

00:47:03.000 I think it's primal.

00:47:04.000 Yeah.

00:47:05.000 I cooked up, you gave me that elk last time.

00:47:08.000 Yeah, more if you want.

00:47:09.000 Yeah, I do.

00:47:10.000 Save it for tomorrow, though.

00:47:11.000 I'd cook it up and I'd, oh, I'm getting pizzas delivered here tomorrow.

00:47:15.000 Fuck yeah.

00:47:16.000 We're getting fucked up tomorrow.

00:47:17.000 After weigh-ins, if I don't have a beard, I will be drinking vodka and I'll be making him drink vodka.

00:47:21.000 Should we bring a razor?

00:47:22.000 We should.

00:47:23.000 Where the fuck is Dollar Shave Club when you need them?

00:47:25.000 They're one of my sponsors.

00:47:27.000 I'll bring a razor.

00:47:28.000 But you're going to need an electric one.

00:47:30.000 Why are you looking at me?

00:47:32.000 You lost today.

00:47:34.000 I'll bring...

00:47:36.000 I got clippers.

00:47:37.000 You can shave me, but we're using my clippers.

00:47:40.000 Okay.

00:47:40.000 Why am I already giving up?

00:47:42.000 By the way, I'll shave you.

00:47:44.000 We have to figure out how you can win.

00:47:47.000 I thought he's just a person that is the lowest.

00:47:50.000 Well, he won today.

00:47:51.000 It's a two-day weigh-in.

00:47:53.000 So he won today.

00:47:55.000 So if you get lower tomorrow, you would have to get lower than two pounds lower.

00:48:00.000 Because it has to be a victory overall, right?

00:48:05.000 I mean, don't you agree?

00:48:06.000 I don't know.

00:48:07.000 We should let people weigh in on Twitter.

00:48:09.000 Don't do that.

00:48:10.000 No, don't do that.

00:48:11.000 You can't.

00:48:11.000 You tell them the rules.

00:48:12.000 There's too many people on Prozac in the basement with their dick in their hand, typing with one hand.

00:48:17.000 They're not paying attention.

00:48:19.000 Call Ari.

00:48:19.000 Ari just texted me.

00:48:20.000 What is that?

00:48:21.000 Good luck on the weigh-ins.

00:48:22.000 I hope you're not fatter.

00:48:24.000 Too late.

00:48:26.000 Yeah, I was going to say, at this point, he's already paying for stuff.

00:48:29.000 Yeah.

00:48:30.000 Oh, yeah.

00:48:30.000 I'm not gaining eight pounds tomorrow.

00:48:33.000 Yeah.

00:48:35.000 Right now, he's trying to figure out how to unflip his phone.

00:48:38.000 Yeah.

00:48:41.000 He's still committed to that flip phone.

00:48:43.000 I can't believe it.

00:48:44.000 It's a flip phone and mumbling.

00:48:45.000 He sent me an eye.

00:48:47.000 I know he talks to me.

00:48:47.000 He's got a mouth full of fucking shoelaces.

00:48:51.000 Ari.

00:48:52.000 Ari.

00:48:57.000 Hey.

00:48:57.000 How high is he right now?

00:48:59.000 Ari.

00:48:59.000 That's his outgoing.

00:49:01.000 Where are you?

00:49:04.000 He's talking to someone else and he answers the phone.

00:49:06.000 Don't hang up.

00:49:07.000 No, no.

00:49:07.000 He'll get to you eventually.

00:49:09.000 You've got to understand Ari.

00:49:10.000 I can't believe this human we're friends with.

00:49:12.000 Hold on.

00:49:13.000 I'll do it there.

00:49:15.000 Ridiculous.

00:49:16.000 Silly.

00:49:16.000 He's the best though.

00:49:17.000 I just love what he's done like very few people get wealthy and like I've known Ari since he was a He was a doorman at the fucking store.

00:49:27.000 Yeah, and he was an open-miker when we became friends and When he became famous one of the first things that fucking guy did was Abandon all fucks.

00:49:38.000 Yeah, he doesn't have any none together.

00:49:40.000 He's got zero.

00:49:41.000 Yeah, I mean zero pretty awesome Can you hear me?

00:49:48.000 Is he an airplane?

00:49:49.000 Ari!

00:49:56.000 He'll get to this.

00:49:58.000 Hold on.

00:50:04.000 Is that his outgoing voicemail?

00:50:06.000 No.

00:50:07.000 No, no, no.

00:50:08.000 It sounded the same.

00:50:11.000 Not totally.

00:50:12.000 No?

00:50:17.000 Oh, he's in the middle of a podcast.

00:50:20.000 He's in the middle of, it sounds like Legion of Skanks.

00:50:22.000 Legion of Skanks podcast.

00:50:24.000 Hey Ari, can you hear me?

00:50:26.000 Ari, do you hear me?

00:50:33.000 Sorry.

00:50:34.000 Lewis is stealing.

00:50:36.000 But he's answering the phone, which is weird.

00:50:38.000 This might be...

00:50:40.000 An outgoing message?

00:50:41.000 Yeah.

00:50:42.000 Let's call him again.

00:50:43.000 Let's see if it's his outgoing message.

00:50:45.000 Which is hilarious.

00:50:46.000 He just texted me.

00:50:47.000 What'd he say?

00:50:48.000 Fuck yourself?

00:50:49.000 Good luck today.

00:50:50.000 I've been hoping you win since day one.

00:50:53.000 That's the same message you sent to Tom.

00:50:54.000 Yeah, it is.

00:50:56.000 What a dick.

00:50:58.000 What a dick.

00:51:02.000 It's hilarious.

00:51:03.000 What a dick!

00:51:04.000 Let's see if it's the same exact message.

00:51:07.000 Because if it is, then...

00:51:08.000 How funny would that be if that's his outgoing message?

00:51:11.000 It's terrible.

00:51:11.000 I came in the middle of a conversation just to confuse people.

00:51:15.000 People used to do that, remember?

00:51:17.000 Yeah.

00:51:17.000 What's that?

00:51:18.000 I still fall for those.

00:51:19.000 Hey man, give me one second.

00:51:21.000 Yeah.

00:51:21.000 Let me get the...

00:51:23.000 Please leave your message.

00:51:27.000 That's not his outgoing message.

00:51:29.000 Fuck him, let's keep calling him.

00:51:35.000 Fluids never tasted better in my entire fucking life.

00:51:37.000 I don't know how these professional fighters do it.

00:51:40.000 They get paid?

00:51:41.000 Oh, yeah.

00:51:42.000 And they're savages?

00:51:43.000 Yeah.

00:51:44.000 Yeah.

00:51:44.000 It's not easy, man.

00:51:48.000 Hey, you're alive.

00:51:51.000 So, Burt Kreischer, 221, Tom Segura, 219. Wow.

00:51:58.000 Yeah, we're on the air right now.

00:52:03.000 221. Like a fucking gangster, and then Tom gets on it.

00:52:08.000 219!

00:52:09.000 Wait, are they below obese?

00:52:11.000 They're both below obese, so you have to pay for their trip, you fuck.

00:52:16.000 How you feel about that?

00:52:17.000 Yeah, no way, yeah.

00:52:18.000 No, no, no, it's my scale.

00:52:23.000 It's my scale, and we put weights on it.

00:52:25.000 Their heights?

00:52:27.000 They're both 6'1".

00:52:28.000 They're both 6'1".

00:52:32.000 We're the same height.

00:52:33.000 No, he's not.

00:52:33.000 He's 6'1".

00:52:34.000 He's like you're wearing elevators.

00:52:40.000 The Jew in you is trying to save some money here.

00:52:47.000 Stand up, please, Tommy.

00:52:53.000 Tommy, stand up.

00:52:54.000 Okay, they're going to stand up.

00:52:56.000 They both have no pants on, by the way.

00:53:00.000 Burt looks a little taller.

00:53:02.000 Maybe a half an inch taller.

00:53:05.000 Well, I don't know.

00:53:05.000 Yeah.

00:53:06.000 I would say, but it's hard because your hair is a little flattened up and Tom's a little thinner on top.

00:53:10.000 Flatten that out.

00:53:11.000 Flatten the hair down.

00:53:12.000 One more time, please.

00:53:13.000 Stand up.

00:53:13.000 Go back to back.

00:53:15.000 Let's take a look at this here.

00:53:18.000 Yeah, listen, the difference in height is maybe a half an inch.

00:53:22.000 Maybe a half an inch.

00:53:24.000 Burt might be a half inch taller.

00:53:25.000 And Burt, how tall are you?

00:53:26.000 I'm 6'1".

00:53:27.000 He's 6'1", so Tom's probably 6'1".

00:53:29.000 Yeah, they're both under obese, bro.

00:53:32.000 You lose.

00:53:33.000 We know.

00:53:34.000 You've got to go into a BMI calculator and figure that out.

00:53:36.000 Okay, we'll go into a BMI calculator.

00:53:39.000 Here's a question to you.

00:53:41.000 Since Tom Segura won today by two pounds, we're saying tomorrow Burt has to win by more than two pounds if Burt wants to win overall.

00:53:50.000 Does that sound correct to you?

00:53:54.000 Hmm.

00:53:55.000 If he wins by two pounds tomorrow, he should get the tiebreaker because that's the final non-cut tiebreaker.

00:54:01.000 No.

00:54:02.000 No, because Tom won by two pounds today, so Tom has one victory under his belt.

00:54:07.000 If Burt wins by two pounds tomorrow, it's just a draw.

00:54:11.000 So he would have to win by more than two pounds, because that's the amount of victory that Tom got today.

00:54:17.000 I think they both sweat a bunch, and this is why we did multiple days, because we want their actual race.

00:54:22.000 So tomorrow's day would be counting for a little more, but we could do a draw, but I would say, yeah, which is a tiebreaker.

00:54:29.000 Okay, so we added their weight up, 6'1 and 221 for Bert, and the overall body mass index is 29.2.

00:54:38.000 So he's overweight only.

00:54:39.000 She's overweight only.

00:54:40.000 That's not obese.

00:54:42.000 Okay, what about 6.5?

00:54:45.000 Okay, let's just go with 6 feet.

00:54:48.000 He's still going to be overweight.

00:54:49.000 I've already done this so many times.

00:54:51.000 It's overweight.

00:54:52.000 We just went with straight 6 feet without even the half inch.

00:54:57.000 Yeah, but put me in at 5'10".

00:55:02.000 Or at 5'8", rather.

00:55:04.000 Wait, who had the lower BMI? Tommy did.

00:55:10.000 No.

00:55:10.000 I'm obese.

00:55:11.000 Look at this.

00:55:12.000 I'm obese.

00:55:14.000 5'8".

00:55:14.000 It's ridiculous, but that's hilarious.

00:55:19.000 At 5'8", 200, I'm obese.

00:55:21.000 And they're not.

00:55:21.000 Who's got the lower BMI? I got a six-pack.

00:55:24.000 You're all masked.

00:55:25.000 Yeah.

00:55:26.000 So what do you think?

00:55:27.000 Do you think that that's how it should be?

00:55:28.000 That Bert has to win by more than two pounds tomorrow?

00:55:31.000 Does that seem fair?

00:55:32.000 Hang on.

00:55:32.000 Maybe let's see who's got the lower BMI. Tomorrow should be the final way because they couldn't have cut or fucking steamed or not drinking any water.

00:55:40.000 They couldn't do that today.

00:55:41.000 They couldn't do that two days in a row.

00:55:42.000 Yeah, they could.

00:55:44.000 No, they can't because they're going to rehydrate.

00:55:45.000 They definitely could do it two days in a row.

00:55:48.000 Who's got the lower BMI, Jamie?

00:55:50.000 You do by.1.

00:55:51.000 I think there was a blind weigh-in today.

00:55:55.000 And it wouldn't be fair if you base it on what Burt already knows.

00:55:59.000 Because Burt already has a goal now.

00:56:00.000 See, today was all about willpower.

00:56:02.000 And Tom won that.

00:56:04.000 It was all about willpower.

00:56:06.000 Who's losing the most weight?

00:56:07.000 Who comes in the lightest?

00:56:08.000 Alright, yeah.

00:56:12.000 All right, Ari has spoken.

00:56:13.000 But you're going to have to pay for the trip.

00:56:15.000 You understand that, right?

00:56:16.000 No, no, no.

00:56:17.000 You have to bring in a tape measure and have them against the wall and find out there exactly.

00:56:21.000 Wait, wait, wait.

00:56:21.000 Tape measures?

00:56:22.000 He's actually...

00:56:23.000 Yes.

00:56:24.000 No, this is...

00:56:24.000 How are you measuring the weight?

00:56:25.000 No, no, no.

00:56:28.000 Wait a minute.

00:56:29.000 He already...

00:56:30.000 But your dad shrunk.

00:56:31.000 Old people shrink.

00:56:33.000 He already conceded.

00:56:35.000 They're not that old.

00:56:36.000 They're not old to the point where they're shrinking.

00:56:39.000 He's like, my dad said he was six feet and he was really only 5'10".

00:56:42.000 It's because he used to be six feet.

00:56:44.000 He was, yeah.

00:56:44.000 People shrink.

00:56:48.000 Yeah, the goal weight was...

00:56:51.000 By the way, he can stop right there.

00:56:53.000 The goal weight was 227. The goal weight was 227, Ari, so you lost.

00:56:57.000 We're both well into just overweight.

00:57:00.000 Yeah, that was the goal weight.

00:57:02.000 Get the tape measure for tomorrow.

00:57:03.000 Get the tape measure?

00:57:04.000 What's the fucking tape measure?

00:57:07.000 Okay, listen, to make you happy, because you're the one who's going to have to pay, we will measure height, and then we'll measure weight, okay?

00:57:14.000 Okay.

00:57:17.000 Okay.

00:57:17.000 Alright, we gotta go.

00:57:22.000 Love you, faggot.

00:57:25.000 Wow.

00:57:26.000 What a cheap piece of shit.

00:57:27.000 What a cheap piece of shit Ari is.

00:57:31.000 He makes a bet and then Kit...

00:57:33.000 What a horrible person.

00:57:34.000 And all he's got is money and nothing.

00:57:36.000 We have children.

00:57:37.000 He doesn't spend money on shit.

00:57:39.000 I told Ari, and Ari is making fucking bank.

00:57:42.000 He's selling out everywhere.

00:57:43.000 His show's on its third season.

00:57:46.000 He's killing it everywhere.

00:57:47.000 And I go, get a nice car.

00:57:49.000 Get yourself a little BMW or an Infiniti or something.

00:57:52.000 Don't listen to his podcast with me and Ren Azizi.

00:57:54.000 He can't understand the concept of a fucking mortgage to save his life.

00:57:57.000 Oh yeah, you were saying that before the podcast even started.

00:57:59.000 That he was getting angry that you have a mortgage.

00:58:01.000 He's like, why would you do that?

00:58:03.000 Because the whole premise was, we borrowed money against our house to do a renovation.

00:58:07.000 Right.

00:58:08.000 Which makes sense.

00:58:09.000 You know, your house is worth more than you paid for it, so you borrow against that, take out $200,000, and you renovate it.

00:58:18.000 And then you make your house worth more, but your mortgage is still very small, considering that you've only borrowed a minimal amount of money.

00:58:25.000 Right.

00:58:25.000 Ari couldn't wrap his head around that.

00:58:27.000 No!

00:58:27.000 That's not your money!

00:58:29.000 That's not your money!

00:58:30.000 He yells, too.

00:58:31.000 He gets mad and yells.

00:58:32.000 Here's what else he's gonna do.

00:58:33.000 He's gonna end up trying to, like, if he does have to pay for this, pay for it in the cheapest way possible.

00:58:39.000 It'll be like last row seats.

00:58:41.000 But what I don't understand is he's known me forever, and I've never worried about money.

00:58:45.000 I've always just said, just spend it and live.

00:58:47.000 You're not here forever.

00:58:49.000 Just have a good time.

00:58:49.000 Don't go crazy.

00:58:50.000 Don't buy a bunch of shit you can't afford, but definitely don't think about it.

00:58:54.000 The best thing about money, the number one thing about money that's the best thing about it is when you make money, you don't have to think about it.

00:59:01.000 Meaning that your bills are paid.

00:59:03.000 I remember when I got my first development deal, when I was 25, somewhere around then.

00:59:11.000 And all of a sudden, I felt light.

00:59:12.000 I felt light.

00:59:13.000 Like I got a check, and it was like 100 grand or something like that.

00:59:16.000 And I was like, oh, I don't have to feel...

00:59:19.000 I'm not thinking about money anymore.

00:59:21.000 It was the craziest feeling.

00:59:23.000 It was like I felt lighter.

00:59:24.000 I felt like a weight literally had been lifted off my shoulders.

00:59:28.000 Like it actually physically felt like the stress of how am I... Oh, then there's the phone bill.

00:59:34.000 Oh, there's the gas bill.

00:59:36.000 Oh, there's the rent.

00:59:36.000 Oh, there's the car.

00:59:38.000 All that shit was gone.

00:59:40.000 Yeah, it's an amazing feeling.

00:59:41.000 That's the number one good thing about money.

00:59:43.000 It's not about, like, castles and Ferraris and all that bullshit.

00:59:47.000 It's about not worrying about it.

00:59:49.000 That's the number one thing.

00:59:51.000 You make great money.

00:59:52.000 You don't have to worry about a fucking mortgage.

00:59:54.000 You're fine.

00:59:55.000 It's stupid.

00:59:56.000 He's crazy.

00:59:57.000 He just couldn't wrap his head around it, and we tried to make it very simple.

01:00:00.000 Pretend you have a backpack.

01:00:02.000 Now, I want to say, I'd like to borrow against that backpack and put stuff in your backpack.

01:00:06.000 Now your backpack's more valuable.

01:00:07.000 He's like, I don't understand backpacks!

01:00:09.000 He doesn't even have a watch.

01:00:11.000 Yeah.

01:00:12.000 He has to look at his phone or ask somebody if he wants to know what time it is.

01:00:15.000 And his phone was made in the 20s.

01:00:17.000 Yeah, that's true.

01:00:18.000 It's a stupid fucking flip phone.

01:00:20.000 He barely knows what time it is!

01:00:24.000 Yeah, it's like he's eating shoes while he's talking to you.

01:00:28.000 He's got a mouth full of, like, undigestible things.

01:00:32.000 He makes a living talking.

01:00:35.000 He's a professional orator.

01:00:37.000 Yeah.

01:00:38.000 Ridiculous.

01:00:38.000 He's trying to get out of this.

01:00:39.000 You realize that?

01:00:40.000 No, I know he's getting out of this.

01:00:41.000 I want to see.

01:00:42.000 I want to be there when you measure their height.

01:00:45.000 They're lying.

01:00:47.000 They're lying.

01:00:47.000 I measured my dad.

01:00:49.000 He said he was 6'1".

01:00:51.000 How about the fact that we both lost a considerable amount of weight?

01:00:54.000 He doesn't care.

01:00:55.000 He's thinking about his money going away.

01:00:57.000 What?

01:00:58.000 What?

01:01:00.000 He's so crazy.

01:01:01.000 Way to fucking stereotype it up, Ari.

01:01:04.000 Right now he's making a suit and some shoes as a tailor.

01:01:10.000 He's such a silly boy.

01:01:12.000 He's such a silly boy.

01:01:13.000 We should make him wear horns to this game.

01:01:16.000 I just feel like, I mean, how much would it cost to fly you to Paris?

01:01:21.000 Well, that's actually pretty expensive, right?

01:01:23.000 Yeah, we're not going coach.

01:01:24.000 Yeah, how are you going to...

01:01:27.000 Then it's like $25,000.

01:01:29.000 Man, we're overweight.

01:01:30.000 We can't buy a coach.

01:01:31.000 Yeah, you're overweight.

01:01:33.000 $25,000.

01:01:34.000 I'm obese.

01:01:35.000 That's what's disturbing.

01:01:36.000 But that's why they...

01:01:37.000 The scale's wrong.

01:01:38.000 It's not a scale, but it's hilarious.

01:01:41.000 If you look up Smart BMI, have you seen that?

01:01:43.000 No.

01:01:43.000 That's the one that they developed a little bit later.

01:01:45.000 That's supposed to be a little more like, you know...

01:01:50.000 Progressive in terms of knowing that hitting 200 and more is more along the norm for a lot of...

01:01:57.000 I don't know if you would...

01:02:00.000 You won't register the same way you did on that BMI. Right.

01:02:03.000 It was developed later.

01:02:05.000 So the real way to do it is to check actual body fat.

01:02:08.000 Yeah, to get a real test.

01:02:09.000 That's a real body mass.

01:02:11.000 They got this thing at my CrossFit place where they were...

01:02:14.000 They bring in a tank of water, and you sit in a tank of water.

01:02:17.000 That's how you really are supposed to do it.

01:02:18.000 That's the real show.

01:02:19.000 And then it tells you how many calories you burn in a day, how many shoes you need to burn.

01:02:23.000 They do that with a combine.

01:02:24.000 They get people's body matches.

01:02:26.000 I'd love that.

01:02:27.000 If anyone's listening, Tom and I will totally go to a combine and do a combine.

01:02:30.000 That's the other thing.

01:02:31.000 We wanted to do a show, Bert vs.

01:02:33.000 Ari vs.

01:02:33.000 Tom, where the three of us make bets against each other, and just outrageous bets.

01:02:37.000 Because let's be fucking honest.

01:02:38.000 In one month, we've lost a considerable amount of weight.

01:02:41.000 Yeah.

01:02:42.000 Yeah.

01:02:42.000 Jesus Christ.

01:02:43.000 If you had a time lapse of that, if you had just a show shooting that, it would be fun.

01:02:48.000 And just the call-out videos we've been doing to each other, they've been fucking hilarious.

01:02:52.000 So you've lost at least, like, probably 35 pounds?

01:02:54.000 Does that make sense?

01:02:56.000 Yeah.

01:02:56.000 In a month?

01:02:56.000 In a month.

01:02:57.000 That's crazy.

01:02:58.000 And you've lost probably...

01:02:59.000 What did you think you were a month ago?

01:03:01.000 Because you've been more steady, right?

01:03:02.000 I've been more steady, yeah.

01:03:03.000 I mean...

01:03:04.000 He called up one day and he goes, this isn't fun, man.

01:03:07.000 He's like, this is...

01:03:08.000 He's like, this isn't a good idea.

01:03:09.000 Like, this isn't healthy.

01:03:10.000 And I was like, yeah, I know.

01:03:11.000 I go, you started it, asshole.

01:03:14.000 Don't you think I want to be fucking eating 500 calories getting on a treadmill every day?

01:03:18.000 I'm losing a fucking toenail!

01:03:19.000 If you start with the start weight, it's 48 pounds for me.

01:03:22.000 But then in the last, probably in the last month, it's probably like 20, 25. Dude, pick up that 35 pound kettlebell and realize that you lost 10 pounds more than that.

01:03:32.000 Just pick that up.

01:03:33.000 The smaller one, just feel that.

01:03:36.000 Feel that.

01:03:36.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:03:37.000 And feel that.

01:03:38.000 That's 35 pounds.

01:03:39.000 You've lost that in a fucking month, dude.

01:03:42.000 Yeah.

01:03:43.000 That's crazy.

01:03:44.000 I don't want to feel it.

01:03:45.000 Yeah, feel that.

01:03:46.000 Think about walking around with that all day.

01:03:49.000 What a burden that is.

01:03:50.000 No wonder I had plantar fasciitis.

01:03:51.000 Oh, for sure, man.

01:03:53.000 Your feet are carrying the whole weight.

01:03:55.000 Yeah.

01:03:56.000 Yeah.

01:03:56.000 It's really, it's amazing what you guys have done.

01:03:59.000 Just because it's fun, I mean, it's kind of fun, but it's obviously a lot of work.

01:04:03.000 But I mean, because you guys had this fun challenge and it became this big thing.

01:04:07.000 It's definitely, I mean, I feel like you definitely want to live more around this weight, right, going forward?

01:04:13.000 Oh, yeah.

01:04:14.000 This would be great.

01:04:14.000 This would be a great weight.

01:04:15.000 Do you think you'd like to get lower?

01:04:17.000 Ideally, I'd like to be 215. It would be cool.

01:04:19.000 But yeah, you're not that funny fat.

01:04:21.000 If you take your shirt off, it's not funny anymore.

01:04:23.000 I'd like to stop taking my shirt off.

01:04:25.000 Yeah.

01:04:26.000 I've told you this in the store.

01:04:28.000 I don't take my shirt off at the store.

01:04:29.000 I have taken it off, but normally, if I do a set in the OR, I don't take my shirt off.

01:04:32.000 Right, right.

01:04:33.000 I don't think about taking my shirt off.

01:04:35.000 It's just, you know, it's one of those things...

01:04:37.000 It became automatic with you, though, right?

01:04:38.000 It happened organically, and then it was one of the things that, when I did my special...

01:04:44.000 I talked to my buddy Cowhead, Mike Cauta, and he was just like, you're not going to do it with your shirt on, are you?

01:04:48.000 And I was like, I haven't really thought about it.

01:04:50.000 And he's like, the thing I like about watching you do stand-up is it doesn't seem like it's different.

01:04:55.000 He's like, your first special, you were dressed up.

01:04:57.000 And I get really fucked up in my head about what to wear on stage.

01:05:00.000 That really kind of gets in my head about, like, I don't want to put on a costume.

01:05:03.000 Yeah, right.

01:05:04.000 So for me, taking my shirt off was just being...

01:05:06.000 It was authentic to what you were doing, because you were doing that for the last couple of years.

01:05:11.000 I've been doing it for like five, seven years.

01:05:13.000 Is that how long you've been doing that?

01:05:14.000 Yeah.

01:05:14.000 The shirt off?

01:05:15.000 It started, yeah.

01:05:17.000 Seven years?

01:05:18.000 I've been porn with a shirt on on the road.

01:05:20.000 You can't find a picture of me a lot of times.

01:05:24.000 First show, after the show, I'll put my shirt on to take pictures with people, but I have so many pictures of me and my shirt off just because it felt real.

01:05:30.000 It felt organic.

01:05:30.000 Let me ask you this because when I'm sick and if I go on stage, I don't feel right.

01:05:35.000 I feel off.

01:05:36.000 I feel weak.

01:05:38.000 When you guys are doing this, you're draining your body, so it's almost like you're sick.

01:05:44.000 What have your sets been like?

01:05:48.000 I'll tell you, Tampa was the day I really started when I went to Tampa.

01:05:52.000 By the way, I've been on the road this whole fucking month doing this weight loss.

01:05:55.000 I've done every fucking week on the road.

01:05:57.000 And in Tampa, I was not good.

01:06:00.000 I was dizzy.

01:06:01.000 I couldn't get my hands warm.

01:06:05.000 You're in Florida!

01:06:06.000 You can't get your hands warm.

01:06:08.000 That's crazy.

01:06:08.000 I was dizzy, and I was like, I don't even think, I was drinking a little bit, but I wasn't drinking much, but I wasn't eating.

01:06:15.000 That was the other thing, I wasn't eating any calories.

01:06:17.000 And I think, and I'm sure I wish I had a doctor to tell me this, I think I was probably pre-diabetic.

01:06:22.000 And then when I stopped taking in all sugar altogether, my body just went fucking crazy.

01:06:28.000 There was a set where I was like, I was dizzy and they were sending up juice to the stage so I could get sugar in my body.

01:06:36.000 Whoa, like you asked them to do that?

01:06:37.000 Yeah, they sent up cranberry juice and then I drove in one day and I was like shivering and I pulled into McDonald's and got an orange juice and I was like...

01:06:45.000 Dude, something's fucking wrong.

01:06:46.000 My parents were worried.

01:06:47.000 But then right after that, I started feeling good.

01:06:49.000 And then I got to like Fort Lauderdale and I was like, bam, I'm on roll.

01:06:52.000 I was in Omaha.

01:06:53.000 Omaha was the best.

01:06:54.000 I started losing weight.

01:06:55.000 I started feeling good.

01:06:56.000 And then they were doing topless shots upstairs.

01:07:00.000 $3 topless shots.

01:07:01.000 What's a topless shot?

01:07:03.000 Everyone's fucking naked.

01:07:04.000 The people that were serving you shots or you?

01:07:08.000 Everyone in the audience.

01:07:09.000 The whole audience?

01:07:10.000 Yeah.

01:07:10.000 What in the fuck?

01:07:11.000 Yeah.

01:07:12.000 Yeah.

01:07:14.000 So it was just everyone upstairs, topless, and if you were topless, you got a $3 shot.

01:07:19.000 Tits.

01:07:20.000 Yeah.

01:07:20.000 It was fucking amazing.

01:07:21.000 It was the smartest thing.

01:07:22.000 This was an indie?

01:07:23.000 And Morty's Comedy Journal was the smartest thing they ever did.

01:07:25.000 How did they get away with that?

01:07:26.000 You know what I mean?

01:07:27.000 I don't know that they'd care.

01:07:29.000 Yeah.

01:07:29.000 It seems like they don't care in this picture.

01:07:31.000 Yeah.

01:07:33.000 I sent it to Tom.

01:07:34.000 Oh, yeah.

01:07:34.000 The best picture I sent to Tom?

01:07:36.000 Here, wait.

01:07:36.000 Let me show it.

01:07:38.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:07:39.000 Yeah, as long as you're in Indianapolis, you can pull that shit off.

01:07:41.000 Yeah, you can't get away with that.

01:07:42.000 Do that in New York to put you in jail.

01:07:44.000 Oh, for sure.

01:07:44.000 You have to have a license to show your tits.

01:07:46.000 I had day two of Cutting Sugar.

01:07:48.000 We did a live podcast, and I was in a bad fucking mood, man.

01:07:52.000 Yeah, I'm bad, right?

01:07:52.000 I showed up, and I said something to the manager, and then I heard Christina.

01:07:56.000 She was like, just stay out of his way.

01:07:59.000 Wow.

01:08:00.000 Because I didn't mean to apologize later, but I was real short.

01:08:04.000 Irritated.

01:08:04.000 I texted this picture to Tom, and I was like, weight loss is doing good.

01:08:09.000 Tell me what you think.

01:08:17.000 It's his hog.

01:08:18.000 Yeah.

01:08:20.000 Photoshopped.

01:08:21.000 Photoshopped.

01:08:21.000 Yeah.

01:08:22.000 To look fucking ridiculous.

01:08:24.000 But it was like, it was kind of on the line, right?

01:08:26.000 So I was like, Jesus, man.

01:08:28.000 He was like, and then he wrote like, oops, I didn't mean to send it from the waist down.

01:08:31.000 And I go, do you mind if I tweet this?

01:08:33.000 And then he called.

01:08:34.000 I have daughters.

01:08:35.000 I have daughters.

01:08:38.000 I actually have real naked pictures of you.

01:08:39.000 I showed that to Dan Marino.

01:08:40.000 You did?

01:08:41.000 Yeah!

01:08:42.000 I was showing it to Paul and Young Ron on their last day, and Dan Marino sat down, and I still had it on my phone.

01:08:47.000 I go, Dan, you've been in a lot of locker rooms.

01:08:48.000 What do you think about this?

01:08:49.000 And he goes, urgh!

01:08:51.000 Hey, you were with Captain Lee from Below Deck on that.

01:08:54.000 Who's that?

01:08:54.000 Oh, yeah.

01:08:55.000 Yeah, some reality show.

01:08:57.000 What reality show is Below Deck?

01:08:58.000 Below Deck is like, it's chart, yard, I can't say, yacht charters.

01:09:04.000 And they have, so you have like, it follows the crew, and then the guests, right?

01:09:08.000 So Below Deck is the crew, and the guests are upstairs.

01:09:12.000 So it's just like a nonsense reality show, but super entertaining.

01:09:15.000 They are running out of fucking topics.

01:09:17.000 It's super entertaining.

01:09:18.000 I get lost in it.

01:09:19.000 Really?

01:09:20.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:09:20.000 I mean, like, as a fluff show, like, as something to watch as you...

01:09:24.000 You like a lot of stupid shows, though, right?

01:09:25.000 Yeah, Tom likes a lot of stupid shit.

01:09:28.000 You ever fucking...

01:09:29.000 You ever see his promotions for his tour?

01:09:31.000 It's just some black lady putting on cream?

01:09:34.000 Happy getting real up in this, bitch!

01:09:36.000 Tom Segura, Indianapolis.

01:09:39.000 Do you ever have some of the people that are actually the people from that video contact you after you put their videos up as promos?

01:09:45.000 Not as...

01:09:46.000 I don't think on the promos yet.

01:09:48.000 I've had it from your mom's house, like videos.

01:09:52.000 Right, like Throatzilla.

01:09:53.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:09:54.000 She reached out.

01:09:55.000 She follows me.

01:09:56.000 She came to a show.

01:09:57.000 She follows me.

01:09:59.000 Yeah, that would have to be really weird, right?

01:10:01.000 I wasn't expecting, she was like, posting, you know, I'm gonna come to this show or that show, and I was just like, you know, I didn't respond, I didn't know if it was serious or not anyways, and then she just, she showed up and goes like, I don't want my picture taken, and then she was wearing a shirt that said,

01:10:16.000 throatzilla, throatzilla, google me.

01:10:20.000 So I was like, oh, okay.

01:10:22.000 But she was super nice, you know, very nice.

01:10:25.000 So, you really think that you were pre-diabetic?

01:10:29.000 I might have been.

01:10:30.000 Do you want to throw in the towel for tomorrow, or do you want to go for it?

01:10:34.000 Oh, I'm going for it.

01:10:35.000 Okay.

01:10:36.000 Ari's already paying, no matter what.

01:10:38.000 So the burden's off of you guys.

01:10:40.000 It's just a beard thing now.

01:10:41.000 Yeah, it's not a beard thing.

01:10:41.000 Ari's very upset.

01:10:43.000 Very upset.

01:10:44.000 I heard that.

01:10:45.000 He's trying to roll it back.

01:10:46.000 He doesn't believe your heights.

01:10:48.000 Yeah.

01:10:49.000 The line!

01:10:50.000 Find out how tall they would have to be to be obese.

01:10:54.000 Go to...

01:10:54.000 I've done this so much, I can already tell you.

01:10:56.000 Go to 5'10".

01:10:57.000 If I was just six foot, I'm still overweight.

01:11:00.000 Yeah, it was like 5'11", that would have been.

01:11:02.000 So six foot was real close.

01:11:04.000 Okay, well, so for sure, he's lost.

01:11:06.000 Yeah.

01:11:07.000 Yeah, he's definitely lost.

01:11:08.000 Hilarious.

01:11:09.000 Tom and I have already talked about this ad nauseum, and trust me, I've looked at that BMI scale a lot.

01:11:13.000 Check!

01:11:15.000 You gotta weigh him!

01:11:16.000 You gotta measure him!

01:11:17.000 Your scale's off!

01:11:18.000 I had a physical three, four months ago where they measured your height and everything.

01:11:23.000 Yeah, he doesn't believe the scale's right.

01:11:24.000 I know.

01:11:25.000 I'm going to my cardiologist next week.

01:11:28.000 Next week.

01:11:29.000 Yeah, I rescheduled it.

01:11:30.000 I was like, I'm in the middle of this weight loss challenge, and it's not super healthy, and I kind of don't want to see you now.

01:11:34.000 I was like, can I see you when I've rebounded?

01:11:35.000 I think you losing all this weight the way you're doing it, I don't think it's really going to fuck with your heart that much.

01:11:40.000 I don't think it's a bad thing.

01:11:42.000 You think it is?

01:11:43.000 I don't know.

01:11:43.000 Is your heart bad?

01:11:44.000 I don't know.

01:11:45.000 If you went in right now dehydrated, it would probably have some sort of an effect.

01:11:49.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:11:49.000 I was supposed to go in last week, and I was just like, I don't want to go in and him being like, hey, listen.

01:11:55.000 Something's going on with my thyroid that they've never really figured out.

01:11:58.000 So I don't want them to be like, you're fucking with your thyroid.

01:12:00.000 I was like, let's just get through this.

01:12:01.000 This is fun.

01:12:01.000 By the way, that's the other part of this is that none of this was like, it's all healthy.

01:12:05.000 I want to be healthy.

01:12:06.000 I want to live long.

01:12:07.000 I want to see my kids get married.

01:12:10.000 Fucking Ari posted a tweet about that.

01:12:12.000 What if Burt Gaines wait?

01:12:13.000 Then he'll be in heaven and some other man will be holding his daughter's hand, walking her down the aisle.

01:12:17.000 Fucking Ari sometimes.

01:12:18.000 He's ruthless.

01:12:19.000 Yeah, ruthless.

01:12:20.000 It's almost like he's got Asperger's or something.

01:12:25.000 When I walked in his room that day, the day the challenge started, I was like, what's up?

01:12:29.000 He's like, you're fat.

01:12:31.000 You're fat.

01:12:32.000 You're obese.

01:12:32.000 Oh my god, you're obese.

01:12:33.000 It's disgusting.

01:12:34.000 You're obese.

01:12:35.000 And then I'm like, okay, it's good seeing you, Ari.

01:12:37.000 How you doing?

01:12:38.000 Yeah.

01:12:39.000 He's like, I was going to talk to you about family, but you're just obese.

01:12:41.000 And you're like, I'm here for like an hour.

01:12:44.000 I've got to run back to OB radio.

01:12:45.000 Can we do a podcast?

01:12:47.000 Wow.

01:12:47.000 You're just so fat.

01:12:49.000 How fat do you think Tom is?

01:12:50.000 Oh, yeah.

01:12:51.000 That's how it started.

01:12:52.000 Is Ari's just fucking...

01:12:54.000 See, he probably wouldn't be so intense about it if he didn't have the possibility of him paying money.

01:12:59.000 Right.

01:13:00.000 Oh, yeah.

01:13:00.000 Looming over his head.

01:13:01.000 I bet you he's obsessing right now.

01:13:02.000 Oh, he's mad.

01:13:03.000 Yeah.

01:13:04.000 Right now he's mad.

01:13:05.000 Fuck.

01:13:05.000 He's like, their scale's broken.

01:13:07.000 There's no way.

01:13:08.000 Broken scale's no good.

01:13:09.000 Yeah.

01:13:09.000 He thinks things are heavier than they are.

01:13:12.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:13:14.000 That scale's bullshit.

01:13:17.000 They're lighter.

01:13:18.000 They're heavier.

01:13:19.000 Something's wrong.

01:13:21.000 Fucking Ari.

01:13:22.000 He's just thinking about a way to get out of it right now.

01:13:24.000 Absolutely.

01:13:24.000 Scrambling.

01:13:25.000 I mean, we put a 35-pound weight on that scale.

01:13:28.000 It was 35 pounds.

01:13:28.000 But not only that, though, he brought up the height thing to me, I don't know, a month or so ago.

01:13:34.000 Mm-hmm.

01:13:34.000 And I was like, look, man, we need to know what the goal weight just is.

01:13:39.000 And he agreed it was 227. It was 227. That was what it was at the very beginning.

01:13:44.000 You guys were both way under that.

01:13:46.000 When I got here today, I thought I would be 226 and something.

01:13:49.000 You're almost 10 pounds under that.

01:13:51.000 Yeah.

01:13:52.000 Yeah, you are.

01:13:52.000 Yeah.

01:13:53.000 Yeah.

01:13:54.000 So he lost.

01:13:56.000 Let's just talk about the beard now.

01:13:57.000 Are we shaving the whole thing off?

01:13:59.000 You should make you wear a Hitler.

01:14:02.000 Those are new stakes.

01:14:03.000 On a trip with Ari.

01:14:04.000 Hey, he's got to film a Comedy Central show, right?

01:14:08.000 What is it?

01:14:08.000 On the 8th?

01:14:09.000 I got to film Goddamn Comedy Jam on the 11th, January 11th.

01:14:13.000 Oh, wow.

01:14:13.000 And Ryan Sickler's been fucking texting me.

01:14:16.000 He's like, you got this, man.

01:14:17.000 Don't come on this show without a beard.

01:14:19.000 Oh, yeah, you're fucked.

01:14:21.000 You want to hear something crazy?

01:14:22.000 Yeah.

01:14:23.000 Yes.

01:14:26.000 I can't wait for it.

01:14:28.000 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Burt Kreischer, and everyone's like, which one?

01:14:31.000 Well, you've had beards and not beards since I've known you.

01:14:35.000 Like, when I first met you, you didn't have a beard.

01:14:36.000 I just had stubble.

01:14:37.000 Yeah.

01:14:38.000 When did you go full beard?

01:14:40.000 Probably when I got fatter.

01:14:42.000 But doesn't that make your face look even bigger?

01:14:44.000 It does, actually.

01:14:45.000 It does.

01:14:45.000 If it gets real bushy, you definitely, even if you're fat, it looks better.

01:14:49.000 And you trim it, and you're like, oh, it looks like I lost 20 pounds.

01:14:53.000 I went full beard when this guy Evan Tanner died.

01:14:55.000 Look at that guy.

01:14:56.000 That's the saddest part of this whole thing is Tom used to be hot.

01:15:00.000 He used to be...

01:15:00.000 Look at Push.

01:15:01.000 She looks great.

01:15:02.000 That's not Push.

01:15:03.000 That's a different gal.

01:15:04.000 That's a lady who got paid to take the picture.

01:15:06.000 Holy shit.

01:15:07.000 She got paid to take that picture.

01:15:09.000 Jesus Christ, you're closing in on that though, dude.

01:15:11.000 That's probably...

01:15:12.000 No, he'll never see that again.

01:15:13.000 Bullshit.

01:15:13.000 He'll never see that again.

01:15:14.000 That's 20 pounds away.

01:15:15.000 Yeah, it is.

01:15:16.000 Maybe 25. How big do you think you were there?

01:15:20.000 195, 200. But you know what?

01:15:21.000 Honestly, your shoulders are bigger now.

01:15:23.000 You've been lifting weights consistently.

01:15:24.000 You actually look stronger.

01:15:25.000 You look bigger.

01:15:28.000 Yeah, that's a young man right there.

01:15:30.000 Wow.

01:15:30.000 How old were you there?

01:15:32.000 21 or 22. Wow.

01:15:34.000 That's actually how I arrived.

01:15:35.000 That's me the same year I came to LA. That's how I came here.

01:15:39.000 With dreams in your eyes.

01:15:40.000 Oh my god, so many dreams.

01:15:41.000 Can you imagine if they had said, hey, get fat and you'll get famous?

01:15:45.000 Yeah.

01:15:46.000 Get fat as fuck, meet Mike Tyson, and you'll get famous.

01:15:48.000 Yeah, but you didn't have to be fat to be famous.

01:15:51.000 You know, I remember Kevin James had this manager, terrible manager at one point in time.

01:15:55.000 Kevin was trying to lose weight, and this manager was just a fucking idiot.

01:15:59.000 He said, Kevin, don't do it.

01:16:00.000 When you're losing weight, you're losing roles.

01:16:02.000 Yeah.

01:16:03.000 It was like telling him roles in movies and shit.

01:16:05.000 I've heard people tell me that.

01:16:06.000 Don't lose weight, you won't be funny anymore.

01:16:07.000 That's so dumb.

01:16:08.000 Oh, that's so dumb.

01:16:08.000 That's one of the dumbest things that you can say.

01:16:10.000 Well, people have this idea that you can't be fit and be funny.

01:16:13.000 It's so stupid.

01:16:15.000 Yeah, and then I heard someone say, Fat comics aren't funny.

01:16:19.000 I was like, what?

01:16:20.000 Oh, that's ridiculous.

01:16:21.000 Sam Kinison.

01:16:22.000 Yeah.

01:16:22.000 Funniest of all time.

01:16:23.000 Fat as fuck.

01:16:24.000 Find a picture when...

01:16:25.000 Jamie, see if you can go on my Instagram and see the picture of when I was skinny.

01:16:28.000 This is gonna...

01:16:29.000 You've ever seen this?

01:16:29.000 I have.

01:16:30.000 Oh, yeah?

01:16:31.000 I have.

01:16:31.000 Oh, I look fucking different as shit.

01:16:32.000 Yeah, you look real different.

01:16:34.000 You didn't have a beard either.

01:16:35.000 I haven't had...

01:16:35.000 I've had a beard.

01:16:36.000 My daughters have never seen me without a beard.

01:16:38.000 Whoa.

01:16:39.000 By the way, if I lose, my son is going to be terrified, you know, if I come home.

01:16:44.000 Dude, that happened to me.

01:16:45.000 When my daughter was really little, I had a full crazy beard because this guy, Evan Tanner, was a former UFC middleweight champion.

01:16:51.000 He died and he had this big beard.

01:16:52.000 So a bunch of us online, a bunch of fans decided to grow a beard for Evan.

01:16:57.000 And I grew a fucking werewolf beard.

01:16:59.000 Like a full-on...

01:17:00.000 Have you ever seen me with a full beard?

01:17:02.000 Evan Tanner was the guy that hiked out into the forest.

01:17:05.000 Oh, look at you two.

01:17:06.000 Beautiful.

01:17:07.000 You guys look great there.

01:17:08.000 Yeah.

01:17:09.000 What year is this?

01:17:10.000 You had a goatee, Bert.

01:17:11.000 That's probably like 06, right?

01:17:13.000 It's gotta be 04. 04?

01:17:16.000 No, that's not 04. We performed with the porn stars that night.

01:17:20.000 Where'd you guys at?

01:17:21.000 That's not O4. Me and Nick Thune performed with the porn stars at night.

01:17:23.000 You sure that's O4? I'm certain of it.

01:17:25.000 See if you can find one with me with my beard.

01:17:27.000 I miss it sometimes.

01:17:28.000 It was glorious.

01:17:29.000 This big, thick, fucking bushy, crazy beard.

01:17:34.000 My daughters will lose their shit.

01:17:36.000 So what happened was I shaved my beard off, and my daughter didn't see me shaving the beard off, and she started crying.

01:17:42.000 Wow.

01:17:42.000 Whoa, you look like me!

01:17:44.000 Yeah, I had a full-on beard, son.

01:17:46.000 That was when I was living in Colorado.

01:17:47.000 I trimmed it down, because if I don't trim it down, it goes all the way up to almost where my nostrils are.

01:17:53.000 Are you heavier there, too?

01:17:53.000 Are you thicker?

01:17:54.000 No, it's just a look.

01:17:55.000 It just looks like I'm thicker.

01:17:56.000 Because of the beard.

01:17:57.000 Yeah, see right there?

01:17:58.000 You can see it?

01:17:58.000 God dang.

01:18:00.000 Yeah.

01:18:00.000 Thinking about bread.

01:18:01.000 Thinking about bread?

01:18:02.000 I don't know why that says thinking about bread.

01:18:06.000 Yeah, it's...

01:18:09.000 It's a manly thing, right?

01:18:10.000 Having a beard is a fucking manly thing.

01:18:12.000 Yeah, then you just get used to it.

01:18:15.000 I would put lotion in it to smooth it out.

01:18:17.000 Can you do that?

01:18:19.000 No.

01:18:22.000 I have a rash inside my beard, so if I lose my beard, we're going to get to see what Vietnamese children's hands look like.

01:18:30.000 Look at that picture.

01:18:31.000 That's a ridiculous picture.

01:18:32.000 Look at you, you little baby.

01:18:34.000 You're a cute little blue-eyed baby.

01:18:36.000 When we were walking through the forest in Vietnam, we walked on this village, and these kids had never seen a dude with a beard before.

01:18:43.000 Because in Vietnam, they don't grow beards, and they've never been out of the jungle.

01:18:46.000 And so we walked in, and I came in with a beard, and they fucking lost their shit.

01:18:50.000 I thought I was a werewolf.

01:18:52.000 I mean, they're fucking around, yeah.

01:18:53.000 They lost their shit and they ran in hot, hid.

01:18:55.000 What?

01:18:55.000 And I've never had that reaction with kids.

01:18:57.000 I'm always really good with kids.

01:18:58.000 And so I was like, what's wrong?

01:18:59.000 And Titi was our fixer.

01:19:01.000 And he's like, your beard scares them.

01:19:03.000 They think you're a wolf.

01:19:05.000 And I said, oh, let me tell them I'm okay.

01:19:07.000 So we brought a guitar over and we sat with these kids and they wouldn't stop looking at my beard.

01:19:11.000 So I go into my bag and I had Skittles and M&Ms with me.

01:19:15.000 So I pulled out Skittles.

01:19:16.000 They'd never had fucking Skittles.

01:19:17.000 I give them Skittles and they light up.

01:19:19.000 And then one of the kids is like, it says in Vietnamese, can I play in your face?

01:19:23.000 So I said, sure.

01:19:24.000 So then all the kids started playing in my face.

01:19:26.000 One kid had this funky hand, and I was like, this isn't going to go good.

01:19:31.000 And he gets in my head, and as soon as he does it, I feel everything get hot on my side.

01:19:35.000 I'm like, oh!

01:19:36.000 But I couldn't say anything.

01:19:38.000 What was on his hand?

01:19:39.000 I don't know.

01:19:39.000 It just looked fucking disgusting.

01:19:41.000 Like he had never washed his hand.

01:19:44.000 And so I've had this thing that I've been putting cortisone on for the last month, trying to get it to go away in case I lose my beard.

01:19:50.000 Did you ever go to a dermatologist?

01:19:52.000 No, because I have a beard.

01:19:52.000 No one saw it, so I didn't give a fuck.

01:19:54.000 So it's still in there for a month?

01:19:57.000 For a month?

01:19:57.000 How long?

01:19:59.000 A year and a half.

01:20:00.000 Jesus Christ, Bert, go to a doctor!

01:20:02.000 But I had a beard.

01:20:03.000 It's like, if you get a pimple and a beard, you're like, ah, fuck it.

01:20:05.000 You forget about it.

01:20:06.000 You've got some crazy Ebola shit growing on your face.

01:20:08.000 Oh, we'll see you tomorrow.

01:20:10.000 Please.

01:20:15.000 Please let it be deadly.

01:20:17.000 My wife's been saying to me, she's like, you need to shave your beard and let it air out.

01:20:20.000 Because it's just that, you know, you sleep on your cheek and so it gets warm every night and it's like, so...

01:20:25.000 Yeah, man, whatever the fuck it is, it's supposed to go away by now.

01:20:28.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:20:28.000 You should go to a doctor.

01:20:30.000 I'm not the doctor type.

01:20:31.000 What time are we weighing in tomorrow?

01:20:32.000 That's one thing we didn't know.

01:20:33.000 What time would you want to do it tomorrow?

01:20:35.000 9am.

01:20:37.000 11 o'clock works really good for me.

01:20:39.000 Same time?

01:20:40.000 But we're getting fucked up tomorrow, too.

01:20:42.000 Okay.

01:20:43.000 So what kind of booze do you want?

01:20:45.000 We'll bring booze.

01:20:45.000 And we'll bring pizza.

01:20:47.000 Oh, my dick just got hard.

01:20:51.000 Tito's and soda.

01:20:53.000 What's a Tito?

01:20:54.000 Tito's.

01:20:54.000 What is that?

01:20:55.000 It's a vodka.

01:20:56.000 Vodka?

01:20:56.000 Yeah.

01:20:57.000 I don't know shit.

01:20:57.000 I think they're Austin-based, right?

01:20:58.000 They're Austin-based, and the guy's name is Bert, the owner of the company.

01:21:02.000 His name's Bertito.

01:21:02.000 All right, we'll get some of that, and we'll bring some pizzas.

01:21:04.000 So we'll take an order at the end of the day.

01:21:06.000 What kind of pizza do you want?

01:21:07.000 No, no.

01:21:08.000 They're Team Bert, so let's do Grey Goose and Soda's instead.

01:21:11.000 Oh, we'll do both.

01:21:12.000 Tito's is Team Bert.

01:21:13.000 We'll do Tito's and Grey Goose.

01:21:15.000 You're a Grey Goose guy?

01:21:16.000 Grey Goose and Soda?

01:21:17.000 I am since they went Team Bert, yep.

01:21:18.000 They went Team Bert?

01:21:19.000 Like, they contacted you?

01:21:20.000 Yeah, they hit me up.

01:21:21.000 They're like, love the way we lost Team Bert.

01:21:23.000 Yeah, I had a bottle, but I poured that shit down the drain.

01:21:25.000 Jack Daniels is Team Rogan if you want to hop on board.

01:21:27.000 What's that?

01:21:28.000 Want to go to Jack and Coke?

01:21:29.000 I haven't had that in forever.

01:21:31.000 Want to go to that?

01:21:32.000 I'll join you on there.

01:21:33.000 Okay.

01:21:33.000 All right, Jack and Coke's tomorrow.

01:21:35.000 We're going to get loopy.

01:21:36.000 Woo!

01:21:37.000 Really fucked up tomorrow.

01:21:38.000 Yeah.

01:21:39.000 Okay.

01:21:40.000 Pizza?

01:21:41.000 Do you want pizza or do you want Dan's super subs?

01:21:44.000 No, no, no, no, no.

01:21:45.000 I've been thinking about this for a fucking month.

01:21:47.000 Really?

01:21:47.000 Okay.

01:21:48.000 Can we get pizza and hot wings?

01:21:50.000 Oh, yeah, for sure.

01:21:51.000 Oh, hot wings.

01:21:52.000 The only problem is getting it here at 11 a.m.

01:21:55.000 How many pizza places are open at 10?

01:21:56.000 They're open, right?

01:21:57.000 They're open pretty early?

01:21:58.000 Just for slobs that like pizza?

01:22:00.000 I haven't had fucking pizza forever.

01:22:00.000 For breakfast?

01:22:01.000 Okay.

01:22:01.000 Can we get some thin crust pepperoni?

01:22:02.000 Whatever the fuck you want.

01:22:04.000 We'll take an order.

01:22:04.000 We'll take an order and we'll bring it in.

01:22:06.000 We should also do a post-binge weigh-in.

01:22:12.000 See what we get up to.

01:22:14.000 Yeah, we should.

01:22:14.000 We should go hard.

01:22:15.000 Yeah.

01:22:16.000 We should go hard and figure it out.

01:22:17.000 All right, I'll even eat pizza tomorrow.

01:22:19.000 So, um...

01:22:20.000 That's going to be hard.

01:22:20.000 The weird part about this weigh-in shit is it's kind of fucked with my head a little bit.

01:22:24.000 Like in that...

01:22:25.000 I can understand.

01:22:26.000 I'm not saying I understand, but I understand anorexics, the control part of it.

01:22:31.000 I get the control part where you go, I'm not eating anything.

01:22:36.000 And then you feel you're in control.

01:22:37.000 You're eating an apple, and you're like, oh, I shouldn't have had that.

01:22:39.000 That's a lot of sugar.

01:22:41.000 Maybe I should throw that up.

01:22:42.000 I understand that part, because I bet tomorrow that first piece of pizza is going to be very hard for me to eat.

01:22:48.000 Because I haven't had anything.

01:22:51.000 I've had a lot of anxiety over this.

01:22:53.000 Over what?

01:22:53.000 The weigh-in.

01:22:54.000 Oh.

01:22:55.000 I had dreams last night that Brendan Schaub was running me through fucking training camp.

01:22:59.000 Really?

01:22:59.000 Dude, yeah.

01:23:00.000 Like, I had a hundred dreams about Brendan Schaub last night.

01:23:02.000 I dreamt that I put Justin Bieber in the hospital.

01:23:05.000 Beat the shit out of him?

01:23:06.000 Yeah.

01:23:06.000 What'd you beat him with?

01:23:08.000 I beat him with my hands, but then I slammed his head against the floor.

01:23:13.000 Why?

01:23:14.000 What caused the anger?

01:23:16.000 He said something about, he's like, nice jacket at a diner.

01:23:19.000 And I go, thanks, I like your hair.

01:23:22.000 And he's like, what'd you say to me?

01:23:23.000 And as soon as he said that, I jumped over the thing and I, like, elbowed him in the face and took him and started slamming his head against the floor.

01:23:29.000 And then it just cut to, in my dream, it just cut to me walking out of jail.

01:23:36.000 And there was TMZ there.

01:23:37.000 And they're like, why did you attack him?

01:23:38.000 And I go, it was just a big misunderstanding.

01:23:42.000 Like people say after, like, street fights, you know?

01:23:44.000 It was just a big misunderstanding, man.

01:23:47.000 And then I dreamt I was going in a car and people were following me.

01:23:52.000 And they're like, you shouldn't have attacked that guy.

01:23:54.000 I don't know.

01:23:54.000 I woke up.

01:23:56.000 That's hilarious.

01:23:57.000 What's the biggest thing you've cheated on?

01:23:59.000 What's the one splurge where you're like, fuck it?

01:24:03.000 I can tell you mine right now.

01:24:04.000 He's had nothing but water.

01:24:06.000 No, food-wise.

01:24:08.000 Food-wise?

01:24:08.000 But for drinking, all he had was coffee and water.

01:24:12.000 Are you serious?

01:24:13.000 Have you really done about that with water?

01:24:14.000 Yeah, and then I cut coffee.

01:24:16.000 You cut coffee?

01:24:17.000 Yeah.

01:24:19.000 219. I had two cups of coffee today.

01:24:23.000 You did today?

01:24:25.000 Why'd you do that today?

01:24:26.000 I had to get on the treadmill.

01:24:27.000 Yeah, but you don't have to have the coffee to get on the treadmill.

01:24:30.000 This kid does.

01:24:31.000 I needed that and song number two by Blur to get the day started.

01:24:34.000 How big was the cup of coffee?

01:24:36.000 Like, the big ones.

01:24:37.000 Two big ones.

01:24:38.000 Wow, dude.

01:24:38.000 You know, that's probably like eight ounces.

01:24:40.000 You probably drank a pound of coffee.

01:24:42.000 Watch out.

01:24:43.000 That might have been the difference.

01:24:44.000 Tomorrow I'll just have a fucking...

01:24:45.000 I'll just do a little bump of coke.

01:24:48.000 It'll be fucking...

01:24:49.000 Dude, have you ever worked out on coke?

01:24:50.000 No.

01:24:53.000 Have you?

01:24:54.000 Yeah, and you fucking kill it.

01:24:56.000 Really?

01:24:56.000 I used to play basketball after smoking weed, like pickup games, in college and when I first got out here.

01:25:03.000 Some of the best pickup games I ever played were not too high.

01:25:08.000 Well, NBA players are famous.

01:25:09.000 They was in the contract, right?

01:25:12.000 Yeah, the whole NBA smokes weed.

01:25:15.000 It's amazing.

01:25:16.000 If you're dialed in, I imagine it might be like that with jiu-jitsu in a way.

01:25:19.000 It is 100% like that with jiu-jitsu.

01:25:21.000 If you're dialed in in basketball, you can lose yourself and see plays before, see somebody hitting the hole before it happens.

01:25:28.000 You get in a zone and you're just zoned in on it, man.

01:25:32.000 Not on coke, though.

01:25:34.000 I probably sparred on jujitsu thousands of times.

01:25:37.000 Really?

01:25:38.000 Thousands.

01:25:39.000 Like no bullshit.

01:25:40.000 Over the course of 20 years.

01:25:42.000 Smoking.

01:25:43.000 Yeah.

01:25:44.000 Many, many, many, many, many, many, many times.

01:25:47.000 Smoked and then done jujitsu.

01:25:49.000 Many times.

01:25:50.000 Because everybody does it.

01:25:51.000 It's like one of the things dudes would meet at Tenth Planet.

01:25:53.000 We'd meet in the parking lot and get lit up and then go in there and roll.

01:25:57.000 But how high?

01:25:58.000 High as fuck.

01:25:59.000 Oh, you get really low.

01:25:59.000 So high I forget what I'm talking about.

01:26:01.000 Really?

01:26:01.000 Yeah.

01:26:02.000 Wow.

01:26:03.000 Yeah.

01:26:03.000 But you can't learn anything on high when you're high like that.

01:26:06.000 You don't learn shit.

01:26:07.000 You just do what you know.

01:26:08.000 But you're super creative.

01:26:10.000 It's not good if someone's trying to teach you something.

01:26:13.000 But what it is good for is if you already know things.

01:26:15.000 You already know things and you just get loose and zoned out and then you feel the moves better.

01:26:20.000 You feel the attacks better.

01:26:22.000 I know you've probably already talked about this, but I haven't heard you talk about it real quick.

01:26:27.000 What about the Ronda Rousey thing?

01:26:30.000 Crazy fight.

01:26:31.000 Not good.

01:26:33.000 Not good.

01:26:34.000 You could see the panic.

01:26:36.000 You could see the anxiety.

01:26:38.000 You could see the difference in the skill level striking-wise.

01:26:43.000 I just think there was a lot wrong with her camp, a lot wrong with her preparation, a lot wrong with her mindset, and a lot wrong with her skill set.

01:26:54.000 In comparison to that woman.

01:26:55.000 Amanda Nunes is a fucking monster.

01:26:58.000 She's a monster.

01:26:59.000 I knew that like a long time ago.

01:27:01.000 I thought she was the biggest threat to Ronda before Ronda got knocked out by Holly.

01:27:05.000 I was like, I think Amanda Nunes is the biggest threat because every fight starts standing and Holly is a very good striker, but The real danger for Holly, I always thought, was her kicks.

01:27:16.000 And that's what she knocked Ronda out with, head kick.

01:27:18.000 But, like, kicks are harder to lay.

01:27:21.000 Like, a head kick's harder to lay than a punch.

01:27:23.000 In exchanges, Ronda would get punched.

01:27:25.000 You know, and I'd seen her get punched by Misha, and other people had punched her.

01:27:28.000 I'm like, if fucking Amanda Nunes punches her, she's gonna get fucked up.

01:27:32.000 And that's exactly what happened.

01:27:34.000 But it was way worse, because she was still...

01:27:38.000 Yeah.

01:27:55.000 Some people get a head injury and they're never okay.

01:27:58.000 The same person who you were goes away.

01:28:03.000 Any head injury can do that.

01:28:05.000 I know someone from an accident, nothing to do with fighting.

01:28:08.000 Head trauma, never the same.

01:28:10.000 Well, you know, that's the Sam Kinison story.

01:28:12.000 Sam Kinison was one person and then he got hit by a truck, I think, when he was a little kid and was never the same again.

01:28:19.000 And then also he was this reckless fucking wild man.

01:28:22.000 He was like this calm, collected kid, normal kid.

01:28:25.000 Kind of shy, gets hit by a fucking truck, and then all of a sudden he's this wild man who doesn't give a fuck.

01:28:31.000 He's taking crazy chances and risks.

01:28:33.000 Wow.

01:28:33.000 You know, I had a serious head injury.

01:28:35.000 There you go.

01:28:36.000 For pressure.

01:28:37.000 I got thrown on my head in college in a fight and knocked unconscious and then was out of it and wandering around the campus.

01:28:46.000 Lost.

01:28:46.000 Didn't know who I was.

01:28:47.000 Didn't know where I was.

01:28:47.000 Nobody took care of you?

01:28:48.000 Nobody brought you to a doctor?

01:28:49.000 No, this girl did.

01:28:50.000 This girl did.

01:28:51.000 Found me on campus and I was confused.

01:28:52.000 I didn't know where I was.

01:28:54.000 And then she...

01:28:55.000 The fight was in the middle of the day.

01:28:56.000 What happened?

01:28:57.000 I was in a...

01:28:58.000 In my fraternity, I had written a song about a guy that I had sung before and I guess he had been upset before and told me that.

01:29:04.000 I just didn't understand it.

01:29:05.000 That's a problem with me is sometimes I cast a big wake and I don't get that I'm upsetting people.

01:29:09.000 Everyone's having a good time and they feel like I'm making fun of them, but I'm not.

01:29:12.000 I'm just being fun.

01:29:15.000 He came up to me in the middle of the day and I saw him and we were really good friends.

01:29:20.000 He was big and he was like, stay the fuck away from me.

01:29:23.000 I thought he was kidding around and I went up to him and He was like, I'm fucking serious, and he got in my face, and I was like, are you really gonna fucking hit me?

01:29:31.000 We're friends.

01:29:32.000 And he fucking grabbed me and tried to, and then literally, like, suplexed me and flapped me on my head, and I went out.

01:29:41.000 And I woke up, and he was holding my tongue, because I had swallowed my tongue.

01:29:45.000 He was holding my tongue out of my mouth.

01:29:48.000 And he was crying and he was like, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

01:29:50.000 And I didn't know what happened and I just walked around, I started walking around campus.

01:29:53.000 This girl found me in the middle of like, and then drove me, she drove me to the hospital.

01:29:59.000 And I was in the hospital, I was so confused.

01:30:01.000 I didn't know anything.

01:30:01.000 I didn't know who the president was.

01:30:03.000 I kind of started like coming, figuring it out and then, and then my girlfriend and my best friend came out and got me and took me home.

01:30:11.000 But like for like a week I'd go, like I remember one time I went to go get the mail with my dog and I forgot where our apartment was.

01:30:16.000 And I was like, where the fuck is our apartment?

01:30:18.000 Wait, did you see the guy again?

01:30:20.000 Yeah.

01:30:21.000 And?

01:30:21.000 He graduated that year.

01:30:22.000 He was older than me.

01:30:23.000 He graduated that year and he came back.

01:30:24.000 Oddly enough, he came back and he tried to apologize.

01:30:27.000 And I was just like, I don't know.

01:30:29.000 I'll never see you again.

01:30:30.000 You can go fuck yourself.

01:30:31.000 I felt so guilty about beating up Justin Bieber in my dream that I downloaded two of his songs after I woke up.

01:30:38.000 Wait, which ones?

01:30:38.000 Because he's got two really good ones.

01:30:40.000 I think it was like the Sorry one and the other big hit from last year or whatever it was.

01:30:47.000 The one that Michael Che sang?

01:30:49.000 Or not Michael Che.

01:30:51.000 The other black guy from SNL. I don't know.

01:30:56.000 Fucking Jay Pharoah.

01:30:57.000 Oh.

01:30:58.000 That would sound racist.

01:30:59.000 I didn't mean it to you guys, but you were both black guys on SNL. I've seen a ton of people get hit in the head.

01:31:05.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:31:06.000 I've probably seen more people get knocked the fuck out than...

01:31:09.000 I would say...

01:31:12.000 Than 1% of all the living humans that have ever lived.

01:31:16.000 Probably, yeah.

01:31:17.000 Probably.

01:31:17.000 Yeah, you have!

01:31:18.000 Most likely, yeah.

01:31:19.000 It scares me.

01:31:21.000 Head injuries scare me more than anything because you don't know.

01:31:24.000 The scariest part to me when I watch boxing or MMA, even those recaps afterwards, is when...

01:31:32.000 Because you see it obviously different in slow-mo or afterwards, but when you see that that...

01:31:37.000 That knockout blow has been landed, and the fighter's so zoned in on what he's doing that he'll get in like two more, you know?

01:31:45.000 And it's already like no, like it's over, and then you'll see like another hit, and the lights are already off, and you see the whole head go, and then like a second one is bouncing off the canvas, and you're like, oh my god.

01:31:59.000 And then, you know, the ref, even if he's good, jumps in and stops it, but you're like, that's way too much that's happened already.

01:32:06.000 It was a bad one this past weekend.

01:32:07.000 Mike Pyle fought this guy, Alex Garcia, and he got hit with a right hand and dropped.

01:32:14.000 He got knocked out, and then as he went unconscious, his head bounced off the canvas.

01:32:19.000 And the head bounces are the scariest ones.

01:32:21.000 A guy goes out, and then as he's fallen, his head just ba-bang!

01:32:25.000 Yeah.

01:32:26.000 And when he got up, he was out for a bit, and then he woke up, he did not know what happened, and they tried to tell him he got knocked out.

01:32:33.000 He's like, no way.

01:32:34.000 And then he's like, no, fuck!

01:32:36.000 But then he kept saying, what happened?

01:32:37.000 And they're like, you got knocked out.

01:32:39.000 I was like, no!

01:32:40.000 What happened?

01:32:41.000 He kept doing it over.

01:32:41.000 Yeah, that's a real comment.

01:32:43.000 I've seen that many times when people get knocked out.

01:32:46.000 Can you believe Bingo's recovery?

01:32:47.000 How is she doing now?

01:32:48.000 She's doing great.

01:32:49.000 She is?

01:32:50.000 She's back at the fucking funhouse.

01:32:51.000 Is she?

01:32:52.000 Yeah.

01:32:52.000 When?

01:32:53.000 They released her.

01:32:54.000 I mean, it wasn't an easy path.

01:32:56.000 And I haven't talked to Doug about it totally, and I don't want to speak out of school.

01:32:58.000 Explain the story.

01:32:59.000 Bingo for her...

01:33:00.000 I'm not speaking out of school.

01:33:02.000 I think this is stuff all Doug has shared.

01:33:03.000 But Bingo was having her 40th birthday party, I think.

01:33:07.000 And so her sisters came out.

01:33:08.000 Her parents were coming out.

01:33:09.000 Everyone was coming out.

01:33:10.000 She started partying pretty hard.

01:33:11.000 I think she did too much coke.

01:33:12.000 She had a seizure, which has happened before, but she fell off a step.

01:33:16.000 And hit her head.

01:33:17.000 And apparently she was bleeding out of every orifice of her face.

01:33:22.000 And you know, Doug's, everything's a joke there.

01:33:27.000 But then it wasn't.

01:33:29.000 And I was in the car with Big Jay and Doug called.

01:33:32.000 And I was like, hey guys, it's Doug Stanhope.

01:33:33.000 And Jay's like, what?

01:33:34.000 What's up?

01:33:35.000 And Doug's like, I think Bingo's going to die.

01:33:37.000 I'm probably not going to make it to the End of the World podcast.

01:33:40.000 And then we were like, whoa.

01:33:42.000 And then I took off.

01:33:42.000 Yeah, you could tell he was kind of out of sorts at the podcast.

01:33:45.000 He was just off.

01:33:46.000 He just felt uncomfortable.

01:33:48.000 He kept leaving.

01:33:49.000 You know, and he just didn't know what to say.

01:33:51.000 He was really odded out by the whole thing.

01:33:54.000 Yeah, he was really worked up.

01:33:55.000 And then I would talk to him.

01:33:57.000 Every now and then I'll talk to Doug late night when we're both drinking.

01:34:01.000 And I think we talked for like an hour, 45 minutes.

01:34:05.000 And he was just like, you know, this isn't good.

01:34:08.000 This isn't how it's going to go.

01:34:09.000 And then all of a sudden one day they're like...

01:34:10.000 Hey, she started responding.

01:34:12.000 And then they're like, hey, she's talking.

01:34:14.000 Hey, she's playing the guitar.

01:34:16.000 Hey, she's doing good.

01:34:18.000 We're going to have a swallow test, and if we can get the...

01:34:20.000 We're going to try to get her a trach, because that was her problem, is her vocal cords were all fucked up.

01:34:23.000 And then they got her a trach, and then they're like, hey...

01:34:25.000 What's a trach?

01:34:26.000 A trach is where they...

01:34:27.000 Tracheotomy?

01:34:27.000 Tracheotomy, where they put a hole in your throat so that she doesn't have to use her throat to breathe.

01:34:33.000 You can just breathe right from your lungs to the air.

01:34:35.000 And so then, they were like, you know, it's going to be some rehabilitation.

01:34:39.000 It's going to take a while to get her back to, like, where she was the day of her birthday party, but everything seems to be tracking really nicely.

01:34:46.000 I mean, so much so, Doug is, Doug, the day, like, a week before Bingo had her accident, Doug called me, like, late night, and he was like, do you have $100,000 you can part with?

01:34:56.000 I was like, yeah, why?

01:34:57.000 And he goes, I got a line on a cave in Arizona I want to buy.

01:35:00.000 We'll get me, you, Norm MacDonald, Joe.

01:35:03.000 We'll get us all in.

01:35:04.000 We're going to do it, right?

01:35:05.000 A cave?

01:35:06.000 He hasn't texted you about this?

01:35:07.000 Well, I know there's a house that's for sale that's built into a cave.

01:35:10.000 Is that the one?

01:35:10.000 He wants to buy that house?

01:35:11.000 It's a million dollars.

01:35:12.000 It's like 10 of us, 100 grand.

01:35:13.000 We each put it in, and then we have our own cave.

01:35:16.000 I don't want to go to that cave.

01:35:17.000 Well, that's why maybe he hasn't texted you.

01:35:19.000 The house has been for sale for like a decade.

01:35:22.000 I thought he was going to ask for medical bills money.

01:35:25.000 That makes sense.

01:35:26.000 Yeah, that's what I thought.

01:35:27.000 And then last night, or the night before last, he started talking about the cave again.

01:35:31.000 So I go, things must be doing good in the funhouse if Doug wants to go back to buy in the cave.

01:35:35.000 And Norm MacDonald's in, Roseanne Barr's in.

01:35:37.000 What?

01:35:38.000 What are they going to do with this cave?

01:35:40.000 I don't know, but I'm pot committed.

01:35:43.000 My Leanne's like, we're not buying a fucking cave!

01:35:46.000 You're a hundred grand into a cave, and Ari doesn't want to part with a fucking plane ticket to Paris.

01:35:50.000 I know.

01:35:50.000 Because he thinks you're lying about your height.

01:35:52.000 My dad said he was 6'1".

01:35:54.000 He's 5'10".

01:35:55.000 He's gonna roll back every excuse tomorrow, too.

01:35:59.000 It's gonna be rough.

01:36:00.000 You could tell him we're 6'4", and he doesn't care.

01:36:02.000 I don't care.

01:36:03.000 Bullshit.

01:36:04.000 Not paying.

01:36:06.000 Yeah.

01:36:06.000 I'm going to lose my fucking beard, I think.

01:36:07.000 Well, he's very frugal.

01:36:09.000 Yeah, he is.

01:36:10.000 Oh.

01:36:11.000 Except- Remember when he was going to give away money?

01:36:12.000 You were hearing on that podcast?

01:36:13.000 He's like, I have all the money I need.

01:36:15.000 You just want, like, cool things.

01:36:17.000 So if you have an idea, I mean, maybe I'll fund it.

01:36:20.000 Really?

01:36:21.000 Yeah.

01:36:21.000 He's like, I have everything I need.

01:36:22.000 What ideas would you want to fund?

01:36:24.000 Like, how good would the idea have to be before...

01:36:27.000 That, like, I'm like, just take this?

01:36:28.000 Yeah.

01:36:29.000 It would be insanely good.

01:36:30.000 Yeah.

01:36:31.000 I don't know.

01:36:31.000 If it's, like, just a creative project...

01:36:33.000 People have come up to me with some really good ideas, and I'm like, good luck.

01:36:36.000 Yeah.

01:36:37.000 I'm not fun and shit.

01:36:38.000 Yeah.

01:36:39.000 I don't...

01:36:39.000 Does it ever excite you?

01:36:41.000 I mean, I guess...

01:36:41.000 No?

01:36:42.000 I don't want to think.

01:36:44.000 Here's the thing.

01:36:45.000 People go, it won't be a big deal.

01:36:46.000 You just give me money.

01:36:47.000 I'm going to handle it.

01:36:47.000 No, I'm going to think about it.

01:36:49.000 So it's going to cost me money.

01:36:50.000 I would rather have less money and not think about you doing that than to make money from you doing that because then I have to think.

01:36:58.000 As soon as you start relying, you complicate your life when you get involved in too many endeavors.

01:37:03.000 I'm already involved in too much shit as it is.

01:37:05.000 But when I say that to people, they go, you're not even going to happen.

01:37:08.000 I'm like, stop.

01:37:09.000 Do you still get a lot of pitches?

01:37:10.000 All the time.

01:37:10.000 I was with you for a pitch.

01:37:12.000 I won't get into it.

01:37:13.000 I remember a guy met us.

01:37:16.000 It was arranged.

01:37:18.000 We were in New York or something.

01:37:19.000 He was at the restaurant.

01:37:20.000 He was like, I've built this city.

01:37:24.000 Oh, yeah.

01:37:24.000 The mountain.

01:37:25.000 In the mountains, yeah.

01:37:26.000 And I was there like...

01:37:29.000 What?

01:37:30.000 I'm trying to smell what you're selling right now.

01:37:33.000 Community in the mountains?

01:37:34.000 Yeah, and then he was like, people like you, he goes, we'd like to just have you up there on the house, of course.

01:37:40.000 We'll take care of you.

01:37:41.000 Your whole family can go and enjoy it.

01:37:43.000 And I'm like, yeah, so that later he buys it.

01:37:47.000 You're giving him a week free, and then you're like, now do you want to buy it?

01:37:50.000 And he's trying to sell, like, no, no, no.

01:37:52.000 I just want you to enjoy it.

01:37:53.000 So he can buy it.

01:37:54.000 You're going to let them stay there.

01:37:56.000 Or you use me to try to rope other people into buying there.

01:38:00.000 Yeah.

01:38:01.000 Yeah.

01:38:01.000 I mean, it was fine.

01:38:02.000 I mean, you know, that's his pitch.

01:38:03.000 Constructed community.

01:38:04.000 That's his pitch.

01:38:04.000 But communities get constructed naturally.

01:38:08.000 Yeah.

01:38:08.000 I've never heard...

01:38:09.000 I mean, I guess you might be able to do...

01:38:10.000 It was a forced upscale community.

01:38:12.000 Do you remember when you wanted to make a compound up in Santa Barbara?

01:38:16.000 I still do.

01:38:18.000 How about yesterday?

01:38:19.000 Looking at land yesterday.

01:38:20.000 Santa Barbara?

01:38:21.000 Everywhere.

01:38:22.000 I love Santa Barbara.

01:38:23.000 Trying to get off the grid, son.

01:38:24.000 Leanne and I are looking at property in Colorado.

01:38:28.000 Yeah, where?

01:38:28.000 Because right now we're at a place where our payments are...

01:38:32.000 Leanne set it up so that we could be poor.

01:38:35.000 They pay off your house.

01:38:37.000 You're living above your means.

01:38:39.000 Stop with the mortgage.

01:38:40.000 We've been talking about Colorado.

01:38:42.000 You want to buy a house together?

01:38:43.000 Where in Colorado?

01:38:45.000 Personally, I would like to stay no more than 45 to an hour outside of Denver.

01:38:52.000 I got you.

01:38:53.000 Evergreen.

01:38:54.000 But up above the elevation, like 7,500 feet.

01:38:59.000 You've been looking at that too?

01:39:00.000 Yes.

01:39:01.000 Yes.

01:39:02.000 Evergreen's the spot.

01:39:03.000 I got a buddy who lives up there.

01:39:04.000 I got a buddy who lives there.

01:39:05.000 Fucking amazing.

01:39:06.000 You gotta put bear nails upside down so the bears don't come in your fucking house.

01:39:11.000 You do have to do that sometimes.

01:39:13.000 And they have certain kinds of doorknobs.

01:39:15.000 You know those doorknobs that are like pull-down doorknobs?

01:39:19.000 Yeah.

01:39:20.000 They don't recommend those.

01:39:21.000 Oh, really?

01:39:21.000 Bears figure those fuckers out.

01:39:23.000 Oh, really?

01:39:23.000 Yeah.

01:39:24.000 And they figure out how to get in your fucking house.

01:39:24.000 Dude, let's get a house together.

01:39:25.000 You want to do that?

01:39:26.000 Yeah.

01:39:26.000 You guys are going gay for each other.

01:39:27.000 Look at this.

01:39:28.000 Oh, this is my dream.

01:39:29.000 Two bears with bears?

01:39:31.000 They're just like, Tommy Burt, arg, arg, arg, arg.

01:39:35.000 Have you really been looking at that?

01:39:36.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:39:36.000 We talked about it yesterday.

01:39:37.000 Because you can get it fairly cheap up there, especially if you go halfsies.

01:39:41.000 All right.

01:39:42.000 It's hard to do halfsies on a mortgage.

01:39:44.000 Yeah.

01:39:44.000 Now you have a second house.

01:39:45.000 Now you're going way over your head.

01:39:47.000 We start a corporation.

01:39:48.000 Mmm.

01:39:49.000 Evergreen is fucking beautiful.

01:39:50.000 It's my favorite.

01:39:51.000 I think my favorite city to go like to visit.

01:39:53.000 Denver?

01:39:54.000 I love Denver.

01:39:54.000 It's the shit.

01:39:55.000 Yeah.

01:39:55.000 My sound guy lives up there.

01:39:56.000 Those people got it made, man.

01:39:58.000 I mean, they're staring at the Rocky Mountains every day.

01:40:00.000 It's fucking awesome.

01:40:01.000 Weed's legal.

01:40:02.000 Yeah.

01:40:02.000 Real estate prices are through the roof.

01:40:04.000 Everyone's cool there.

01:40:05.000 So cool.

01:40:05.000 Oh, we're getting so high tomorrow.

01:40:08.000 Yeah, tomorrow.

01:40:09.000 So, how are you guys going to deal with the rest of the day?

01:40:12.000 Do you just go out of here and just start running?

01:40:13.000 Like, what are you going to do?

01:40:14.000 Get on the treadmill.

01:40:15.000 I've got to go do a podcast.

01:40:17.000 I've got to do mine.

01:40:19.000 I've got to do one with Joey.

01:40:20.000 Now, is there any concern about the rest of the day?

01:40:23.000 Like, you know, this is like, it's a race that you're ahead, but you're only ahead by 32 ounces.

01:40:30.000 Oh, I've got to be real careful today.

01:40:31.000 Look, Tom is Derek Jeter on Mickey Mantle.

01:40:36.000 You keep saying this Mickey Mantle thing.

01:40:38.000 Yeah, because Mickey Mantle was a fucking savage.

01:40:40.000 He fucking partied his whole fucking life.

01:40:42.000 Never showed up to a game fucking half sober.

01:40:44.000 Who do you remember more, Tom?

01:40:46.000 Be honest.

01:40:46.000 Mickey Mantle or Derek Jeter?

01:40:47.000 To steal from Daniel Tosh, just like Trainwreck stole from Daniel Tosh.

01:40:53.000 Trainwreck stole from Daniel?

01:40:54.000 Yeah, they did.

01:40:55.000 The movie?

01:40:55.000 Yeah, they did.

01:40:56.000 Fuck yeah, they did.

01:40:56.000 They directly stole one of his lines.

01:40:59.000 Really?

01:40:59.000 Yeah, he had a bit about Babe Ruth.

01:41:01.000 He's like, yeah.

01:41:02.000 He goes, there should be an asterisk next to his name because he never had to play against black guys.

01:41:06.000 Oh, yeah.

01:41:07.000 They're talking about Babe Ruth never took steroids.

01:41:08.000 He also never played against black guys.

01:41:11.000 And Daniel Tosh had a great bit.

01:41:13.000 They stole it ver-fucking-bate him in that movie.

01:41:15.000 Did he tell you this?

01:41:16.000 He did it on his show.

01:41:18.000 He talked about it on his show.

01:41:19.000 And there's one of the compilations of plagiarism accusations against Schumer.

01:41:24.000 How's that in there?

01:41:25.000 There's a lot, by the way.

01:41:27.000 There's a lot.

01:41:27.000 There's a new video that's out.

01:41:29.000 There's a lot.

01:41:30.000 It gets hairy.

01:41:31.000 Where you gotta go, huh.

01:41:33.000 All righty.

01:41:35.000 Anyway, Mickey Mantle didn't play against black guys.

01:41:38.000 Or did he?

01:41:39.000 Maybe he did.

01:41:40.000 Yeah, Mickey Mantle played against black guys.

01:41:41.000 He did.

01:41:42.000 Jackie Robinson.

01:41:42.000 Yeah, he did.

01:41:43.000 It was well before him.

01:41:44.000 So you're saying that you're just the gunslinger here.

01:41:46.000 No, but what you're going to do, I can already predict tomorrow.

01:41:48.000 Okay.

01:41:49.000 Tommy's going to come in at 217. 215?

01:41:53.000 No.

01:41:54.000 It's going to be about 215. No.

01:41:57.000 Yeah, he is.

01:41:57.000 Tom has hit his threshold weight.

01:42:00.000 He's still eating chicken.

01:42:01.000 I'm not eating anything.

01:42:02.000 Although I probably drank seven pounds of water.

01:42:04.000 But you've got to understand that you'll hold on to more water.

01:42:07.000 Have either one of you guys fucked with distilled water?

01:42:10.000 That's all I've been drinking.

01:42:12.000 Shut up!

01:42:13.000 Shut up, you liar!

01:42:15.000 You can't drink too much of that because it'll deplete your body of minerals and electrolytes.

01:42:19.000 Look, all I know is that I can probably run 20 miles between now and then.

01:42:26.000 That's all I need.

01:42:28.000 Sort of.

01:42:29.000 The problem is...

01:42:32.000 Boy, when are you going to do it?

01:42:33.000 Like, when are you going to actually do it?

01:42:35.000 Because you're going to literally have to do it before the weigh-in.

01:42:39.000 You're not going to be able to drink anything.

01:42:41.000 Think about like 32 ounces.

01:42:43.000 This is what, 8 ounces?

01:42:45.000 Yeah.

01:42:46.000 16?

01:42:46.000 Is it 16?

01:42:47.000 These are 16?

01:42:48.000 These are 32s right here.

01:42:49.000 This is 16.9, yeah.

01:42:52.000 Two of these.

01:42:54.000 Two of these, he's ahead of you.

01:42:56.000 Just two of these.

01:42:57.000 So you can't fuck around.

01:42:59.000 I don't use math in this.

01:43:02.000 I use heart.

01:43:04.000 Long-strand DNA. Long-strand DNA. What is long-strand DNA? It's from some movie that I saw.

01:43:09.000 So you think if you just do the run, then you'll do it?

01:43:11.000 I'm not going to eat anything either.

01:43:13.000 Mmm.

01:43:14.000 You gotta feel like shit.

01:43:15.000 No.

01:43:16.000 No?

01:43:16.000 I'm different than you guys.

01:43:18.000 I've got that long strand DNA. You're different?

01:43:21.000 How are you different than me?

01:43:22.000 I focus on it.

01:43:23.000 I focus.

01:43:24.000 Like, I get hyper aware and I go, I have a goal.

01:43:28.000 Like, today, when I woke up, I wanted a glass of water so bad it was sick for him.

01:43:31.000 Those guys are hilarious.

01:43:33.000 Yeah, it's my mentality.

01:43:35.000 I understand.

01:43:36.000 It's my mentality.

01:43:37.000 You know how many fucking dummies I've met that tell me they could fight in the UFC? I know I could beat anybody.

01:43:41.000 It's because of my mentality.

01:43:42.000 I refuse to lose.

01:43:43.000 That's the next one.

01:43:43.000 That's the next one, Tommy.

01:43:44.000 I used to love head kicking those guys.

01:43:46.000 Me and you fight someone in the MMA. And we see who wins.

01:43:51.000 Me versus Ari.

01:43:52.000 Me versus you versus Ari.

01:43:54.000 Ari will cheat.

01:43:55.000 He'll eye gouge you.

01:43:56.000 We fight CM Punk.

01:43:56.000 Kick you in the balls.

01:43:58.000 CM Punk would beat the fuck out of both of you guys.

01:44:00.000 At the same time.

01:44:01.000 Of course.

01:44:02.000 He might have got his ass kicked by Mickey Gall, but Mickey Gall is a real fighter.

01:44:06.000 Let's be clear here.

01:44:07.000 Burt said that.

01:44:09.000 You can leave me out of this.

01:44:11.000 You don't think CM Punk would beat your ass?

01:44:13.000 Dude, I don't know enough.

01:44:14.000 I'm just joking.

01:44:15.000 I don't fucking know anything about CM Punk.

01:44:16.000 I never knew him when he was a famous asser.

01:44:18.000 We should fight, right?

01:44:21.000 Yeah, yeah, let's fight.

01:44:22.000 No.

01:44:25.000 No, I don't want to fight you.

01:44:26.000 Let's see who can gain the most weight next.

01:44:28.000 No, no, no, no.

01:44:30.000 This has got to be like the new you.

01:44:33.000 Yeah.

01:44:34.000 Can you make this happen, though?

01:44:35.000 What are you thinking after this is over?

01:44:37.000 Are you going to binge?

01:44:37.000 What do you think about three, six months?

01:44:39.000 That's what I think.

01:44:40.000 What if we weighed in April 1st and July 1st?

01:44:45.000 So three months and then six months.

01:44:46.000 Well, here's the thing.

01:44:47.000 This is the right way to do it, and you and I talked about this.

01:44:50.000 The right way to do this is you have a weigh-in every 12 weeks or every month for 12 months, every four weeks.

01:45:00.000 And at the end of the year you tally up a score like a race to 12 like see who wins each month So the only way to really do it would be like you would have to actually lose body weight You couldn't just dehydrate yourself every month and go under because if one of you keeps going like say if you guys had to do it like if I was in on the challenge and you guys have to do it against me I'm 19 pounds lighter than the heaviest or than the lightest guy right now so I would already have an advantage and So if I just started losing more and more weight,

01:45:29.000 you would have to lose body weight in order to be in the race.

01:45:32.000 You can't just lose 19 pounds of body weight every month like that.

01:45:35.000 You wouldn't be able to do it.

01:45:36.000 So if you started today, and then every month you guys had a weigh-in challenge, the number would drop every month.

01:45:44.000 Like, it's 219 now, next month it'd probably be like 207, next month it would be like 210, you know, 201, and then you would keep going and going and going until you guys were skinny as fuck.

01:45:54.000 You guys would be like bodybuilders by the end of the year.

01:45:57.000 I don't think I... I mean, I'm not saying...

01:45:59.000 I'm sure I'd probably love being 186. Really?

01:46:02.000 I mean, I wasn't about to say that.

01:46:05.000 I was gonna say I'm sure I'd love it.

01:46:06.000 But personally, I think 215 is a really great weight for me.

01:46:10.000 I know it's still overweight.

01:46:12.000 But you don't want to be overweight, right?

01:46:14.000 I don't want to be overweight, but I also don't want to look...

01:46:17.000 I don't want to look like...

01:46:18.000 This?

01:46:20.000 I'd love to be fucking yoked, but I don't know if I have the fucking...

01:46:24.000 CrossFit.

01:46:26.000 I've been doing CrossFit.

01:46:27.000 I see it, yeah.

01:46:28.000 And I had to stop because I was afraid I was building up too much mass.

01:46:32.000 Because you're putting on too much weight?

01:46:33.000 I was like, this is a weight loss challenge.

01:46:35.000 Any weight that comes in a muscle, I don't want.

01:46:37.000 I'm just gonna run my fucking ass off.

01:46:39.000 Actually, I thought the same thing.

01:46:40.000 Like I said, I've always, you know, done weightlifting.

01:46:43.000 Like, I've been at my heaviest.

01:46:44.000 And, like, six, eight weeks ago, I was like, oh, I fucking...

01:46:48.000 I haven't touched...

01:46:48.000 It feels weird.

01:46:49.000 I actually feel somewhat, like, different that I haven't touched weights.

01:46:54.000 Yeah, I mean, it makes a big difference.

01:46:56.000 And the only way to keep the weight off while you're doing that, you'd have to do like lightweight, low reps, but you're still...

01:47:01.000 Lightweight, high reps, right?

01:47:02.000 Yeah, I'm sorry.

01:47:03.000 Lightweight, high reps.

01:47:05.000 Yeah.

01:47:05.000 And I thought about that, and I know some people are going to tell me like, that's what you should have done.

01:47:09.000 You would have lost more, but...

01:47:10.000 I kind of just picked it.

01:47:11.000 Fuck anyone with any insights on weight loss that's a pedestrian.

01:47:14.000 Like, I hate when they go, listen man, if you're not eating a lot of calories, your body's gonna backfire, start storing fat.

01:47:20.000 Fuck you.

01:47:21.000 Tell that to the kids in Ethiopia.

01:47:23.000 If you don't eat, you fucking lose fucking weight.

01:47:25.000 That's how that fucking works.

01:47:26.000 If you burn more calories than you take in, your body has a certain reaction, and that's how that fucking works.

01:47:33.000 Yes, yes.

01:47:33.000 He's gone a scientific route, though.

01:47:35.000 He's put his body into a state of ketosis.

01:47:37.000 Like, he's cut out all the sugar and the carbs, and now his body's burning fat.

01:47:41.000 I think I might have done that, too, except for the vodka sodas.

01:47:44.000 Yeah.

01:47:45.000 They'll stop you from really getting into ketosis, though.

01:47:48.000 The alcohol will.

01:47:49.000 Do you have one of those sticks?

01:47:50.000 You can piss on a stick and it'll tell you?

01:47:51.000 Yeah, the piss sticks, yeah.

01:47:52.000 This stuff, this is Kegenix.

01:47:54.000 Oh, that's what we talked about.

01:47:54.000 This is exogenous ketones.

01:47:56.000 You take the stuff, it puts you into...

01:47:58.000 You could drink a fucking Dr. Pepper, and then you take this stuff, and it'll put you into a state where your body's burning fat, not carbohydrates.

01:48:05.000 Hold on.

01:48:05.000 You're telling me if I put that in a vodka soda, it would just immediately burn that sugar?

01:48:09.000 I'm telling you, if you take a vodka soda and then take this afterwards, I wouldn't mix the two of them together.

01:48:12.000 I don't think that's smart.

01:48:13.000 But drink this afterwards.

01:48:16.000 You're back on track?

01:48:17.000 Oh, you do, yeah.

01:48:19.000 Really?

01:48:19.000 You can get right back on track.

01:48:20.000 Yeah, for sure.

01:48:21.000 Tell that company to hit me up.

01:48:22.000 No, they're not going to.

01:48:28.000 We're here for actual healthy people.

01:48:35.000 This is where it's crazy.

01:48:38.000 You're on the door to looking great.

01:48:41.000 You're right there and you're already ready to fucking go run back into the woods.

01:48:45.000 You're like at the door.

01:48:46.000 Yes you are.

01:48:48.000 But your mindset is like, this is temporary.

01:48:51.000 No, it's not temporary.

01:48:52.000 But you guys have totally different mindsets.

01:48:54.000 Your mindset is, starve yourself, go at it like a fucking savage.

01:49:01.000 I mean, look, you had gloves.

01:49:02.000 You came in here with gloves so your hands could sweat.

01:49:05.000 Look, you wore gloves here.

01:49:07.000 He's a maniac.

01:49:08.000 And then Tom is- I did two miles yesterday, man.

01:49:11.000 That's it.

01:49:11.000 You did two miles?

01:49:12.000 Two miles?

01:49:13.000 Yeah, that's it.

01:49:13.000 I did two miles in the Coliseum.

01:49:16.000 Yeah.

01:49:17.000 So there's a totally different mindset.

01:49:19.000 Yours is like extreme, short-term, but unsustainable.

01:49:23.000 Everything he's doing is totally sustainable.

01:49:26.000 I'm curious to see what it would be like if my body had 2,000 calories a day.

01:49:31.000 But you can do that.

01:49:32.000 But when you get down to a certain weight, you don't want that because then your body's going to start eating its muscle.

01:49:37.000 That's what happens when your body gets to a certain stage.

01:49:39.000 That's what you have to understand about losing weight.

01:49:41.000 If your body doesn't have the amount of protein that it needs, you start consuming your own muscle.

01:49:47.000 I've been eating proteins and greens.

01:49:49.000 That's it.

01:49:50.000 No carbs, no breads, no pastas.

01:49:52.000 Beans is the only carb I've had.

01:49:54.000 I've only had that twice in a month.

01:49:56.000 You can up that a little bit.

01:49:57.000 Yeah, but when you think about, like, I'm gonna be, you know, I'm only gonna take in 2,000 calories a day, I'm gonna do this, you will lose weight, but you also lose strength, you feel exhausted, your body starts eating itself.

01:50:08.000 I had that dinner last night, that big dinner last night, and when I got on the treadmill, I felt fucking phenomenal.

01:50:14.000 Like, I got on there and literally was, like, ten miles, or seven miles, not a problem.

01:50:18.000 Yeah, because you had a full rush of energy, sugar, everything from that, yeah.

01:50:21.000 But that might have fucked you.

01:50:22.000 You might have been two pounds lighter if you didn't do that.

01:50:24.000 No shit.

01:50:26.000 Do it tonight.

01:50:26.000 I'm a man of impulse.

01:50:27.000 Yeah, I noticed that.

01:50:29.000 That was my bet, though.

01:50:30.000 I was betting on that.

01:50:31.000 Yeah, that's the bet.

01:50:32.000 The bet was he was saying that you were just going to wait until the last minute and go crazy.

01:50:36.000 That's exactly what you did.

01:50:38.000 I crammed.

01:50:39.000 And I said that, by the way, a month ago.

01:50:41.000 I knew that you were going to do this.

01:50:42.000 But if your discipline wasn't on point, he still would have got you because you got down to two of these fucking things.

01:50:48.000 Two little bottles of water, which is pretty amazing.

01:50:51.000 Yeah.

01:50:51.000 So you have to win tomorrow.

01:50:54.000 If to win, you have to be two and a half pounds or more less than me.

01:50:59.000 Yeah.

01:51:00.000 So you might be able to lose even more.

01:51:02.000 Like if you go fucking crazy today and you go Bert Kreischer.

01:51:05.000 So the thing is, you guys have narrowed it down.

01:51:08.000 This victory is down to 24 hours.

01:51:09.000 Yeah.

01:51:10.000 So, or less now.

01:51:11.000 But if you go fucking crazy and go full Bert all day today...

01:51:17.000 He's almost like he can't catch you.

01:51:18.000 He doesn't.

01:51:19.000 He doesn't have that gene.

01:51:20.000 Oh, but what is that gene?

01:51:21.000 That long-strand DNA. A Mickey Mantle gene.

01:51:24.000 This nonsense gene.

01:51:27.000 This is just discipline.

01:51:29.000 I think it's the thing, like, I've thought about this a lot.

01:51:32.000 The thing that makes this contest interesting is also the reason we like each other.

01:51:37.000 Because he is very even-keeled, and I am fucking all over the map.

01:51:41.000 Yeah, I'm kind of a combination of the both of you guys, which is bizarre.

01:51:44.000 You have the same brain I have about the way you shoot bows and arrows.

01:51:49.000 And you're like, that's right, I'll just do that for three hours until I maybe need shoulder surgery.

01:51:54.000 Or the way you shoot pool.

01:51:57.000 You get obsessed with things.

01:51:58.000 You're like, that's why I can't fuck with drawing anymore, because I get obsessed with it.

01:52:01.000 I get like that.

01:52:02.000 Tom's so even-keeled.

01:52:04.000 The perfect example of our relationship is that first day we were in Hawaii, and I shaved your tits.

01:52:09.000 Yeah.

01:52:10.000 And it is the funniest, Joe, it is the funniest fucking thing I've ever been a part of in my life.

01:52:18.000 And he goes to Hawaii and he's like, and he's out there.

01:52:21.000 I go, oh man, you know, Tom's hair.

01:52:23.000 I go, hey, why don't I shave your back for you?

01:52:25.000 And he's like, you think?

01:52:26.000 Yeah.

01:52:27.000 And so I start saying, I start.

01:52:28.000 Put the volume on this.

01:52:30.000 This is just...

01:52:31.000 Oh, don't put the volume, you can hear music on it.

01:52:33.000 Good friends, Charlie and Laurel, stand by and support.

01:52:37.000 And you're shaving Tom's back.

01:52:39.000 I'm shaving his back.

01:52:41.000 And then at some point in this, and you can just skip ahead.

01:52:45.000 At some point in this, I realize that Tom's tit hair connects with his underarm hair.

01:52:49.000 And I go, hey buddy, why don't you...

01:52:50.000 Here's a pause right there.

01:52:54.000 I realize, I go, hey man, let me hollow that out for you.

01:52:56.000 I go, you know, what I'll do is I'll trim out...

01:52:59.000 Contour it.

01:53:00.000 Contour it.

01:53:00.000 And make it so your tit has defined hair and your underarm has defined hair, but they're not connected like a werewolf.

01:53:05.000 And then I'll caesar out your breasts.

01:53:07.000 Like, I'll do a caesar.

01:53:08.000 I'll comb it down and I'll line it up so it looks like you're defined.

01:53:10.000 And he sold it, like, real serious.

01:53:12.000 And I was like, okay.

01:53:14.000 And by the way, you gotta...

01:53:17.000 Tom's earnest face staring at me as I do this, and I'm close to it, and I'm looking at him, and I'm trimming it.

01:53:23.000 And then as I pull back, I still see Tom's earnest face going, does it look good?

01:53:29.000 And all I see, it looks like his tits are wearing sunglasses.

01:53:33.000 And I realize this is our first of like seven days in Hawaii, and he's got to look like this the whole fucking time.

01:53:39.000 I've never seen him laugh this hard.

01:53:41.000 I thought I was having a stroke.

01:53:48.000 You know what's interesting?

01:53:50.000 Bert, you have less body hair back then.

01:53:53.000 Yeah, I know.

01:53:53.000 You've gained body hair as you got older.

01:53:55.000 That's even weirder.

01:53:57.000 What year is this?

01:53:59.000 Oh, eight.

01:54:01.000 How have you gained so much body hair in eight years?

01:54:03.000 I don't know.

01:54:04.000 Yeah, it's weird.

01:54:11.000 Look at how serious Tom is.

01:54:14.000 Look at how serious Tom is.

01:54:19.000 It looks terrible.

01:54:23.000 It does.

01:54:24.000 Let me see.

01:54:25.000 It's why people shave their cocks, because it makes their cock look bigger.

01:54:28.000 You shaved my titty, so I don't know if I have bigger titties.

01:54:30.000 Make a difference.

01:54:34.000 Look, now I've got to walk around.

01:54:41.000 So what you did is you shaved under it, but you left the hair above it?

01:54:45.000 So it's like you have breastplates.

01:54:47.000 Yeah, it's like breastplates!

01:54:50.000 I've never laughed that hard.

01:54:53.000 That whole trip is probably...

01:54:54.000 That's when me, Tom, and Push, and Leanne became friends.

01:54:57.000 Well, that's when I knew we could be friends is because then our wives became good friends.

01:55:01.000 Buddies.

01:55:02.000 That is hilarious, what you did there.

01:55:04.000 Look at that.

01:55:09.000 That one looks normal.

01:55:10.000 So, Tom, what year did you come to LA? Oh, two.

01:55:14.000 So, in six years, you put on all that weight.

01:55:17.000 Yeah.

01:55:18.000 But I also...

01:55:19.000 That's how I graduated high school.

01:55:23.000 And went into college like that weight.

01:55:25.000 And then I lost all that weight.

01:55:26.000 How'd you do that?

01:55:27.000 Diet and exercise.

01:55:29.000 Really?

01:55:29.000 Yeah.

01:55:30.000 And then what made you abandon it?

01:55:31.000 It was slow.

01:55:32.000 It was a slow crawl.

01:55:33.000 Like I got here.

01:55:34.000 I remember when I was working the night shift at a post-production place.

01:55:39.000 It was like all of a sudden, I mean it wasn't all of a sudden, but like you know.

01:55:43.000 Late night food.

01:55:44.000 Late night food, really weird hours, like staying up till 4 or 5 a.m.

01:55:47.000 doing the graveyard shift, and then going to bed and all of a sudden you're like, I'm 225?

01:55:52.000 Oh shit, I thought I was 205. You know what I mean?

01:55:54.000 You put on 20 pounds over the course of like a couple shows in production, and then you're not even thinking about it.

01:56:02.000 And then at that point, 225 rolls into 230 real easy, you know?

01:56:08.000 It's a slow thing, but it took...

01:56:09.000 I would say...

01:56:11.000 I got here in 2002. By 2005, I was 225. Now, you don't seem to be looking at it the same way he's looking at it.

01:56:20.000 He's looking at it like, this is like a race, you hit the finish line, and then you gorge, and then the fucking party's over.

01:56:27.000 You seem to be, like, adjusting your life.

01:56:30.000 Well, I think, I mean, I definitely want to have a new, like, ceiling of what is, you know, an acceptable weight.

01:56:37.000 And I definitely feel like this is a very...

01:56:41.000 Livable way what I've been doing like for the last few months.

01:56:44.000 I mean this last week is a little crazier obviously, but the last month has been, it hasn't been that difficult.

01:56:52.000 How much weight have you been losing a month?

01:56:54.000 Have you been noticing?

01:56:55.000 Yeah, I mean this has been about 10 pounds to 12 pounds A month.

01:57:01.000 That's a lot, but it's doable.

01:57:03.000 It's doable, and I'm not killing myself suffering to do it.

01:57:07.000 I'm just on top of the eating, and I've been doing cardio about six days a week.

01:57:13.000 Now, if you get to a certain point, what do you do?

01:57:17.000 Are you going to eat more?

01:57:20.000 What's the weight where you go, okay, I don't want to lose any more weight?

01:57:22.000 I think it's less about the number, even though we get so obsessed with the numbers, than the way you feel about it.

01:57:28.000 Right, especially if you start lifting weights again, and you put on a little bit of weight, but your body fat's lower.

01:57:33.000 Yeah, so I'm trying not to be obsessed with the number, but I know I would want to lose, if we were talking about the number, Like 15 to 20 more pounds, which I think is...

01:57:43.000 Wow.

01:57:44.000 Really?

01:57:44.000 I think so.

01:57:45.000 I'd like to lose six pounds.

01:57:47.000 Six more.

01:57:47.000 I'd like to get to 215 and then maintain and eat healthy and eat clean.

01:57:51.000 Yeah.

01:57:51.000 But I also, you know, I mean, I can't lie about this and say, this is a lifestyle like the people on The Biggest Loser.

01:57:58.000 Legit, I love fucking hot wings.

01:58:00.000 I love hot wings.

01:58:01.000 I love buffalo wild wings.

01:58:02.000 And I love the feeling of like...

01:58:05.000 Remember I told you a long time ago that my weight loss program was to stop eating appetizers?

01:58:09.000 Like...

01:58:10.000 But like appetizers, I love when someone's like, make it rain appetizers.

01:58:14.000 I love that feeling.

01:58:15.000 And I miss Blimpies sandwiches.

01:58:18.000 I miss pizza.

01:58:19.000 My girls have been eating pizza and I've been eating cauliflower pizza, which I like, but...

01:58:22.000 What's cauliflower pizza?

01:58:24.000 Oh, it's good.

01:58:24.000 You take 12 ounces of cauliflower, you steam it in the microwave for like four minutes, you dry it out, you put one egg in there, a third cup of mozzarella, like a fourth cup of Parmesan, and you put it into a, that's your crust, and then you put it in the oven.

01:58:38.000 Every slice is very low calories because it's cauliflower.

01:58:40.000 All you're really eating is like a portion of an egg and some mozzarella.

01:58:43.000 It's really fucking good.

01:58:45.000 I'll make something if you want and bring it in tomorrow and we can try it.

01:58:48.000 Yeah, I'll try that.

01:58:49.000 I think after a while though, I mean, I don't miss that many things, you know, food-wise.

01:58:55.000 The really hard thing for people is a shift in the way you live.

01:58:58.000 The shift.

01:58:59.000 Yeah.

01:59:00.000 Shift what you think about it.

01:59:01.000 I have a waffle date tomorrow with my wife.

01:59:03.000 You guys are having waffles?

01:59:04.000 Where are you going to go?

01:59:05.000 I found a place that...

01:59:07.000 In the morning?

01:59:08.000 First thing in the morning?

01:59:08.000 Yeah, right before the weigh-in.

01:59:11.000 So wait, you really didn't eat those cookies at all?

01:59:14.000 Not even.

01:59:15.000 I didn't even open the box.

01:59:18.000 He sent me cookies.

01:59:19.000 Discipline.

01:59:19.000 I sent him cookies.

01:59:21.000 Discipline wins races.

01:59:22.000 Impulse doesn't win races.

01:59:24.000 Impulse does.

01:59:25.000 Impulse wins races.

01:59:27.000 But it didn't win today.

01:59:28.000 I know, but it definitely shocked the crowd.

01:59:32.000 Impulses get results, but they don't get the best results.

01:59:35.000 The best results are gone through discipline.

01:59:38.000 My managers got pissed about this whole weight loss thing.

01:59:41.000 Why?

01:59:42.000 Because I'm in the middle of a scripted deal, and I wasn't sending in scripts.

01:59:46.000 I was just fucking around with Tom.

01:59:47.000 And they're like...

01:59:48.000 They called Leanne.

01:59:50.000 They're like, hey, he needs to...

01:59:51.000 They call your wife?

01:59:52.000 Tell him to back the fuck off of that.

01:59:54.000 They're like, hey, Bert seems to be obsessed about this weight loss thing.

01:59:59.000 We've got a TV show we're trying to make.

02:00:01.000 And Leanne's like, oh, you don't understand Burt.

02:00:03.000 Like, he will never work on this TV show if you don't respect the fact that this is what he's focused on.

02:00:08.000 So what I was doing was I was setting up accounts.

02:00:10.000 It didn't work out right, but I was setting up accounts at different food places so that fans could send Tom food.

02:00:16.000 And I was like, I wasted a whole day, and then I sent him these cookies that were amazing.

02:00:20.000 I sent them to my daughters.

02:00:22.000 They loved them.

02:00:22.000 I sent them from The Rock to Tom, and Tom didn't even eat them.

02:00:25.000 He just gave them to the fucking people working on his brand new $3 million house.

02:00:28.000 Pfft.

02:00:30.000 But they're good cookies.

02:00:32.000 I want to try them when I get done.

02:00:34.000 You see, you're already thinking about wings and cookies and pizza and this and gorging and drinking.

02:00:40.000 But I'm also thinking about...

02:00:42.000 Longstrand DNA. Mickey Mantle Gene.

02:00:44.000 I could fight anybody.

02:00:48.000 I got that mentality, bro.

02:00:49.000 I just can't lose.

02:00:50.000 I'm different.

02:00:51.000 Everybody wants to think they're different.

02:00:53.000 But everybody does.

02:00:54.000 Everybody does.

02:00:55.000 Including the people that you think you're different from.

02:00:58.000 They think they're different.

02:00:59.000 Everybody thinks they're different.

02:01:01.000 That's what gets people knocked the fuck out.

02:01:03.000 That's hashtag fear the return.

02:01:05.000 That's what that is.

02:01:07.000 For real, that's like Ronda Rousey's idea was that she's different than everybody.

02:01:11.000 Everybody, I'm the best in the world.

02:01:12.000 The people love to have that.

02:01:14.000 And sometimes you win and you really do feel like you are that.

02:01:17.000 But the reality is you are a skeleton and some fucking cells and you're run by a central nervous system and your brain has a whole bunch of defense mechanisms that are designed to protect you from reality.

02:01:29.000 And one of those is that it decides I'm different than these motherfuckers.

02:01:33.000 Yeah, yeah, of course.

02:01:34.000 I'm different.

02:01:34.000 Don't you fucking agree with him just because you're sitting there?

02:01:36.000 But you know it's true.

02:01:37.000 I know.

02:01:38.000 I know that's how you think.

02:01:41.000 It's a problem.

02:01:42.000 I knew that he was like, I'm gonna run 28 miles.

02:01:46.000 How many people do you know, especially beautiful girls, how many beautiful girls just think they're fucking special because they're super?

02:01:53.000 We were talking about that today, about the horror and the danger of daddies that especially That kind of, you know, push the princess ideal on their girls and that make them think that they're so special and then that girl kind of seeks that out,

02:02:13.000 you know, and believes that and then The type of guy that does go for that usually, romantically, is basically a paternal figure to that girl.

02:02:23.000 If he's going to still see her as a princess.

02:02:27.000 Princesses are weird.

02:02:28.000 That is a weird thing that everybody wants to be a princess.

02:02:30.000 It's so weird.

02:02:31.000 You start to see that it's fucked up.

02:02:33.000 I remember being in high school and seeing girls who were like, I'm the most special.

02:02:38.000 And you go like...

02:02:40.000 Yeah, you better respect that I'm the most special.

02:02:41.000 Yeah.

02:02:42.000 If you don't, someone will.

02:02:43.000 And I'm going to find that guy.

02:02:44.000 Yeah.

02:02:45.000 And that'll be like a second daddy to you.

02:02:46.000 I am more important than anything in your life.

02:02:48.000 Yeah.

02:02:49.000 Period.

02:02:50.000 You have to carve out time for me.

02:02:52.000 You've had that speech, huh?

02:02:54.000 Oh, yeah, the carve-out time-for-me speech.

02:02:56.000 I ran into a chick one time that I think you'd had relations with.

02:03:00.000 How dare you?

02:03:01.000 Uh-oh.

02:03:02.000 Let's not even discuss it, then.

02:03:03.000 Off the air.

02:03:05.000 I've had too many bad situations in my life where someone thinks they're special.

02:03:10.000 Yeah.

02:03:10.000 It gets to...

02:03:13.000 At a certain point in time, you have to...

02:03:15.000 Blame yourself for getting involved with those people, though.

02:03:18.000 Let's work this backwards.

02:03:19.000 I think Cameron Haynes, the ability that he can run those ultramarathons, that's special.

02:03:25.000 Yeah, but if you meet that guy, let me tell you something.

02:03:28.000 He would be the last person to call himself special.

02:03:31.000 He's all disciplined.

02:03:32.000 We could agree that him, a guy like him, or like Conor McGregor.

02:03:36.000 Let me give you a Cameron Haynes speech.

02:03:38.000 Cameron Haynes was about 180 plus, okay?

02:03:41.000 Like lifting weights, all that jazz.

02:03:42.000 And he wanted to run the 200 miles.

02:03:44.000 So what he did was, he got down to 165 And the way he did it was burning 3,000 calories, eating 2,000 calories.

02:03:55.000 So he never stopped working out.

02:03:57.000 He was running like a fucking maniac and he let his body eat itself.

02:04:00.000 So he just shrunk.

02:04:02.000 I watched it happen.

02:04:04.000 He looks different.

02:04:06.000 Like, he looks very, very skinny, but still yoked a little.

02:04:08.000 Well, he's getting more, and he's a little thicker now, put on a little bit more weight.

02:04:12.000 But when he was running the 205 miles, when he ran that Bigfoot 78 fucking hours, ran 205 miles.

02:04:20.000 I couldn't do that.

02:04:21.000 Exactly.

02:04:22.000 That's a discipline thing.

02:04:23.000 That's the difference between that long strand DNA. Stop!

02:04:28.000 Oh, Mickey Mantle over here!

02:04:31.000 The people that think they're special and a guy like him, he doesn't think he's special at all.

02:04:34.000 He thinks the only thing about him that separates him from everybody else is that he works harder.

02:04:38.000 That's it.

02:04:39.000 But how does one do a hundred mile?

02:04:42.000 He's a maniac.

02:04:44.000 Doesn't your body break the fuck down?

02:04:46.000 He's talked about it, how he started off doing 10Ks, and then you feel like, well, maybe I should do a marathon.

02:04:52.000 And then you start doing a marathon, and then you do a marathon, and then, well, I want to win a marathon.

02:04:56.000 And then he beat Lance Armstrong in the Boston Marathon.

02:04:59.000 Oh, my God.

02:05:00.000 Yeah, he's a fucking animal, dude.

02:05:01.000 You know that I did a 10K on accident?

02:05:05.000 How did you do it?

02:05:06.000 Dude, I went to Cincinnati for...

02:05:11.000 The visual of you with all your bags off the plane and everyone's running and you start running with them and you drop your bag and go, where are we going?

02:05:17.000 Where are we going?

02:05:18.000 Why am I doing this?

02:05:19.000 I went to Cincinnati for Thanksgiving.

02:05:23.000 Not this year.

02:05:24.000 It was a couple years back.

02:05:25.000 And I got there and most of my cousins and stuff are pretty fit.

02:05:30.000 Yeah.

02:05:31.000 And they're like, hey, we're doing the 10k tomorrow and then we'll regroup and then we'll come over here and then we'll go over to this aunt's house.

02:05:42.000 And I was like, oh yeah, do you want to do it?

02:05:44.000 And I didn't have the, like, just admit that I didn't know what a 10k was.

02:05:50.000 So I just said, yeah.

02:05:54.000 I didn't realize what I was doing, and I was like, yeah, I'll do that.

02:05:57.000 And then I showed up with 0.0 training, like nothing.

02:06:04.000 And I just go, and I was like, how far is this?

02:06:06.000 And they're like, it's about 3.1 miles.

02:06:08.000 And I was like, oh shit, because I'm 250 pounds at the time?

02:06:12.000 And I was like, this is going to be bad, right?

02:06:15.000 And I just...

02:06:15.000 The thing is, like, the crowd helps, you know, because there's so many people.

02:06:19.000 But there's stretches where there's nobody.

02:06:21.000 Yeah, there's stretches where there's nobody.

02:06:22.000 And the thing, like, I finished it, and...

02:06:26.000 I was like, wow, you know, I thought, I felt like I ran two marathons, you know, like it was so much further than I had run since fucking middle school.

02:06:35.000 It's like six miles.

02:06:36.000 I think it was...

02:06:37.000 It's six miles.

02:06:38.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:06:39.000 Okay, oh, a 5K is 3-1, a 10K is 6. Yeah, so I did fucking six miles.

02:06:43.000 And...

02:06:44.000 And then it was that the next couple days were pains I've never, like in the hips, you know, like hip pains.

02:06:52.000 And we tried to go to a movie, like as a family group, and I couldn't sit.

02:06:57.000 I was like, I gotta get out of here.

02:06:58.000 Oh my God.

02:07:00.000 Because the pain was just like, I couldn't move, man.

02:07:02.000 You gotta build up to stuff.

02:07:04.000 Me and Fultron were in...

02:07:05.000 It was a shock 10K. Me and Fultron were in Omaha, and...

02:07:10.000 I get, I go on, I'm trying to be healthy and I go on radio and I said, I'm looking for a 5k.

02:07:14.000 If anyone's got a 5k, hit me up.

02:07:16.000 I'm going to run it this weekend.

02:07:18.000 And so this guy reaches out to me and he's like, hey, I got a brewery 5k.

02:07:21.000 I was like, right up my alley.

02:07:22.000 So I hit up Fultron Friday night and it goes, tomorrow morning we're running a brewery 5k.

02:07:27.000 And Fultron's like, what, we run from brewery to brewery?

02:07:29.000 I go, yeah, you run brewery to brewery.

02:07:30.000 It's like a bar crawl, but you kill beers the whole time.

02:07:34.000 It's perfect.

02:07:34.000 Have like five beers, run a 5K, go home, take a nap, do two shows.

02:07:38.000 This will be great.

02:07:38.000 My favorite part is that he goes, perfect.

02:07:40.000 That sounds ideal to anybody.

02:07:43.000 So horrible.

02:07:44.000 So Fultron...

02:07:46.000 So Fultron and I get there, and everyone's at the brewery, and everyone's drinking, and we're like, fuck it.

02:07:51.000 Let's start killing beers now.

02:07:52.000 It's like 10 in the morning, races at noon.

02:07:55.000 So we start killing beers.

02:07:57.000 We have like five beers, and then we're like, all right, everyone line up.

02:08:00.000 And we line up, and we notice that everyone's dressed in hardcore sports gear, and we're not.

02:08:04.000 And we're like, goddammit, man, they're really taking this serious.

02:08:06.000 And we're like, what's the first bar we stop at?

02:08:08.000 And they're like, no bar.

02:08:09.000 It's a fucking 5K. And so Fultron and I did a 5K drunk beer.

02:08:14.000 At like a noon.

02:08:16.000 And by the way, we beat half of the fucking field.

02:08:19.000 Drunk.

02:08:20.000 Drunk.

02:08:20.000 So the brewery was just...

02:08:21.000 That's where it started, at the brewery, and it ended at the brewery.

02:08:24.000 It was a big circle to the brewery.

02:08:25.000 Did everybody else drink too?

02:08:26.000 No one drank except for us.

02:08:28.000 Everyone's like, man, you're really putting them back.

02:08:29.000 We're like, well, I want to be a part of the team.

02:08:31.000 Well, you were probably fueled up.

02:08:33.000 I mean, there's a lot of calories in beer, and there's also carbohydrates, you know, all the wheat and barley and all that jazz.

02:08:38.000 The very beginning when they shoot the gun.

02:08:40.000 Perfect fuel for a race.

02:08:41.000 But don't people do that?

02:08:43.000 You're a runner.

02:08:44.000 Don't people, after running, don't they like to drink beer for recovery?

02:08:48.000 I absolutely don't think so.

02:08:50.000 They used to do it.

02:08:51.000 Google it.

02:08:52.000 Google it.

02:08:52.000 Drinking beer for recovery post-workout.

02:08:55.000 They used to do it in the Tour de France.

02:08:58.000 Really?

02:08:58.000 In the Tour de France, they would stop and drink big, heavy beers.

02:09:02.000 Yeah, I would imagine there's a lot of calories in that.

02:09:04.000 A lot of calories, I think it thins your blood.

02:09:07.000 Would make you crash a little bit though, like drain you.

02:09:10.000 I definitely don't feel like working out when I'm drunk.

02:09:12.000 No.

02:09:13.000 Are you serious?

02:09:14.000 I've done it.

02:09:14.000 Wait, tell us about coke working out.

02:09:16.000 I forgot about that.

02:09:17.000 Is that good?

02:09:17.000 Yeah, it's really amazing.

02:09:18.000 Here we go.

02:09:19.000 The health benefits.

02:09:20.000 Here are a few reasons to justify a pint or two after your run.

02:09:24.000 The health benefits of beer.

02:09:25.000 Make that a little larger, please, so I can get that.

02:09:27.000 Although most runners agree that beer is not exactly a health food, there's good news for those of us who like to imbibe.

02:09:34.000 Downing a few cold ones as you're heading out the door for a run is obviously not the best choice, but beer in moderation can be a perfectly acceptable option for after a run or on non-training days.

02:09:46.000 Hmm, there you go.

02:09:48.000 Yeah, one of my favorite things doing is on the road, especially when I was working on Travel Channel, is going right back to the hotel after dinner and after drinking and getting into the gym and working out.

02:09:57.000 Really?

02:09:58.000 Drunk?

02:09:58.000 I loved getting on the treadmill with a glass.

02:10:00.000 I've talked to you about this.

02:10:01.000 I would like to know what drunk feels like to you.

02:10:04.000 I feel like...

02:10:05.000 Very different than what it feels like to everyone else.

02:10:06.000 Yeah?

02:10:07.000 Yeah, and I had a conversation, oddly enough, with a 10-year-old yesterday about being hungover.

02:10:12.000 So I guess he's...

02:10:14.000 Let me tell you how it's done.

02:10:15.000 He was like, don't you feel sick?

02:10:17.000 That's the other problem I have is I don't really feel sick after I drink.

02:10:21.000 I don't get hungover.

02:10:21.000 You're a good drunk, by the way.

02:10:24.000 That's the other problem is no one can ever tell I'm drunk.

02:10:26.000 I remember one time when we were in Hawaii, actually, I remember specifically that he had been drinking for like 15 hours.

02:10:36.000 It was like so many beers and and and then liquor and then beers and he's in our room and I was like dude like how are you not you're okay?

02:10:46.000 He's like I'm fucking hammered.

02:10:47.000 I was like but you look fine.

02:10:49.000 He's like oh definitely not not even close to fine right now, but If him if he didn't tell me that I would not know as my wife always says I can't I cannot tell when you've been drinking Because it's every day.

02:11:02.000 No.

02:11:03.000 That's the other thing.

02:11:04.000 I think there's a lot of, you know, the pomp of what I am.

02:11:08.000 I think people think I'm one thing.

02:11:10.000 I'm not.

02:11:11.000 How often do you drink booze?

02:11:12.000 How many days a week?

02:11:14.000 Not right now.

02:11:14.000 Not at all.

02:11:15.000 But you say vodka sodas.

02:11:17.000 Yeah, but people, even if I go on stage, I went on stage one time in Philly, I didn't feel well, and I just brought a soda water on stage.

02:11:23.000 Right.

02:11:24.000 And everyone's like, kill it!

02:11:25.000 And I was like, there's nothing in it.

02:11:26.000 And then they're like, oh, really?

02:11:28.000 And you're like, yeah.

02:11:28.000 They're like, oh, we thought you were hammered.

02:11:29.000 And you're like, no, I'm just a regular person.

02:11:31.000 I don't like going on stage drunk, personally.

02:11:33.000 I don't like being drunk on stage.

02:11:34.000 I like stand-up comedy.

02:11:36.000 That's what I got into.

02:11:37.000 But it's also part of my personality is, everything is a joke.

02:11:40.000 I want people to be entertained.

02:11:41.000 Like, this whole weight loss thing is supposed to be fun.

02:11:43.000 I want people to get a kick out of it.

02:11:45.000 I... I could definitely have stopped drinking and been a bore and just been like, I think I could definitely take him.

02:11:52.000 But I like the fun of just going, fuck it, I'm going balls to the wall.

02:11:54.000 I'm sure it's fun, but how many days a week do you think you drink?

02:11:58.000 Definitely three.

02:11:59.000 That just it?

02:12:00.000 No.

02:12:01.000 No, but I'm saying definitely three.

02:12:03.000 So you drink less than you don't drink.

02:12:05.000 No, I probably drink more than I don't drink.

02:12:07.000 So that's not three.

02:12:08.000 Yeah, this stuff feels like an intervention.

02:12:11.000 No, just curious.

02:12:13.000 Burt, I remember when we were the closest of friends.

02:12:17.000 I remember the times that...

02:12:17.000 He's reading like a poem.

02:12:19.000 Shit.

02:12:20.000 You were a good father, and I loved seeing you playing with your children.

02:12:25.000 Let's take a look at this week.

02:12:29.000 I drank New Year's Eve, but I wanted to.

02:12:32.000 I only had two drinks, and I spent the night in a hotel.

02:12:34.000 I didn't want to drive home, because I thought the roads would be crazy.

02:12:37.000 So I drank New Year's Eve, didn't drink yesterday at the Rams game, didn't drink today.

02:12:40.000 I'll drink tomorrow.

02:12:42.000 And then I get on a plane to New Jersey on the Stress Factory, I'll drink there.

02:12:46.000 So maybe I'll drink five of the seven nights, or four of the seven nights, five of...

02:12:54.000 But that's an unusual day because you're cutting back in order to lose weight.

02:12:58.000 Yeah, but if I'm home with the girls, there's no reason for me to drink.

02:13:01.000 Right.

02:13:02.000 Like, if I'm home, I like a good night's sleep.

02:13:04.000 I like waking up and being active.

02:13:06.000 I like going ice skating with them.

02:13:07.000 I want to do a podcast.

02:13:09.000 You know, a lot of times people come on my podcast and be like, I want to do a shot with a machine.

02:13:13.000 And you're like, I never not let them have that, so of course.

02:13:17.000 And I count that as a drinking day.

02:13:18.000 But I'll have one shot.

02:13:20.000 But that wouldn't affect me.

02:13:21.000 I don't know.

02:13:22.000 And I'm different.

02:13:24.000 It's like, how often do you smoke pot?

02:13:25.000 You like to think that, though.

02:13:26.000 No, I'm different.

02:13:27.000 That different thing.

02:13:28.000 I'm different than everybody.

02:13:29.000 Doesn't everyone think they're fucking different?

02:13:31.000 I definitely don't.

02:13:32.000 You don't?

02:13:33.000 No.

02:13:33.000 That's one of the keys.

02:13:35.000 By the way, I hate to be the one to tell you this.

02:13:37.000 You're the most different human being that any of us fucking know.

02:13:40.000 And there you go.

02:13:41.000 And I'm not even different.

02:13:42.000 So there you go.

02:13:43.000 Are you going to sit here and let Joe tell...

02:13:45.000 How many podcasts do you do a week?

02:13:46.000 How much jujitsu?

02:13:47.000 How much working out?

02:13:48.000 How much stand-up?

02:13:49.000 Your productivity rate is off the charts.

02:13:50.000 You're amazing, dude.

02:13:51.000 Everyone says, how does Rogan do it?

02:13:52.000 And I just go, he's different.

02:13:54.000 You are different than me.

02:13:55.000 I do it to keep from going crazy.

02:13:56.000 But it's my mental problem is that if I don't have things to do, I'm not happy.

02:14:01.000 I just figured out a long time ago, for me to be happy, I have to be exhausted and busy.

02:14:08.000 Yeah, right.

02:14:10.000 I have to be burnt out from working out.

02:14:13.000 Like, not burnt out, but I have to even myself out.

02:14:15.000 And I have to have puzzles.

02:14:17.000 I have to have things to solve.

02:14:19.000 That's a good thing.

02:14:19.000 I think being busy makes definitely me feel better.

02:14:22.000 Yeah, you feel like you're getting...

02:14:24.000 The worst feeling is, I'm feeling like a lazy bitch just not doing shit.

02:14:28.000 But your level, honestly, though, and he's right, it does seem off the charts.

02:14:35.000 Like, to do, like...

02:14:37.000 Three, three hour podcasts.

02:14:41.000 Do jujitsu.

02:14:42.000 Do your bow hunting.

02:14:43.000 Do fucking pool.

02:14:45.000 Be with your family.

02:14:47.000 Be at the store every night.

02:14:47.000 Be having new material at the store.

02:14:49.000 I don't think I've seen you repeat anything at the store in the fucking past month I've been there.

02:14:54.000 It's off the charts.

02:14:55.000 Well, that's just because I just did a special.

02:14:57.000 You know, once I released a special...

02:14:59.000 Yeah, me too.

02:14:59.000 I'm still doing the same shit.

02:15:01.000 Yeah, you gotta chip away at new stuff or people get mad at you.

02:15:03.000 Yeah, but I'm still doing the new stuff.

02:15:05.000 I'm working on new stuff.

02:15:06.000 I see you with brand new stuff every fucking time.

02:15:12.000 I don't write like that.

02:15:13.000 Discipline.

02:15:14.000 I do too.

02:15:15.000 I write the other way too.

02:15:16.000 I feel like you have to write like that.

02:15:18.000 I think a lot of people, I mean, I don't tell people what to do because a lot of people don't like to write this way, but I feel like this sitting out in front of a fucking computer with nothing but writing on my mind, it enhances my ability to write on stage and it gives me tools that I can use to ad-lib and do it the other way as well.

02:15:37.000 I think that's true.

02:15:38.000 There's a thing that people say, oh, I write on stage.

02:15:40.000 Well, I do too.

02:15:41.000 I do too.

02:15:42.000 Everybody does.

02:15:42.000 A lot of people write on stage, but I think you should write in front of a fucking notebook too.

02:15:48.000 I have a hard time with that.

02:15:49.000 Everybody does.

02:15:49.000 I do too.

02:15:50.000 No, but I mean, it doesn't inspire me creatively.

02:15:53.000 Of course you don't.

02:15:54.000 Because you've got to do it.

02:15:56.000 It's like a discipline.

02:15:57.000 No, I've done it.

02:15:58.000 I've definitely done it.

02:15:59.000 For me, I'm being dead serious.

02:16:02.000 If I take a walk, my brain will start working.

02:16:04.000 That's fine too, as long as you dedicate specific time to writing.

02:16:08.000 I mean, if it's just like a walking thing and then you talk into a microphone, that to me is, you know, you can call it writing.

02:16:13.000 Like if I'm sitting in front of a computer, I'm writing, you know, in air quotes.

02:16:17.000 But if you're walking and you talk to your phone, you have an idea and you record it, that's writing too.

02:16:22.000 It's just creativity.

02:16:23.000 Yeah, I do that.

02:16:24.000 But you have to, my thinking is, the more time you spend forcing yourself, like right now is the desperate times.

02:16:31.000 Because my special was just released, and I'm doing, you know, I did New Year's, and I'm doing these big shows, and I'm doing an hour.

02:16:39.000 And I gotta have new fucking shit.

02:16:41.000 And some of it is, unlike cult legs, some of my new material is like...

02:16:47.000 Some of it's alive.

02:16:48.000 Some of it's killing.

02:16:49.000 Some of it's new stuff that's doing really well.

02:16:52.000 And other stuff is like, every time I do it, it's like, is it going to work tonight?

02:16:55.000 Am I going to find a new way to do it?

02:16:57.000 And then sometimes, out of nowhere, I'm just taking a chance and I'm going the wrong way.

02:17:01.000 I take a chance and I start talking.

02:17:03.000 I'll do the punchline first.

02:17:05.000 Or I'll do this part, the strongest part of it, leading into the weakest part of it.

02:17:10.000 For no reason.

02:17:11.000 I just take this crazy chance to try.

02:17:14.000 And while I'm doing it, I'm like, fuck.

02:17:16.000 How are you going to dig yourself out of this hole?

02:17:18.000 But that's what gets you through it.

02:17:19.000 Well, the only way that gets you through it is a lot of sets.

02:17:22.000 You just got to keep hammering sets.

02:17:24.000 And then every mistake you make from that, you apply to the next set.

02:17:28.000 And then six months down the line, you have a real hour that you can put in a special.

02:17:33.000 No, wait.

02:17:33.000 Let's talk about that then real quickly.

02:17:35.000 Because I agree with you.

02:17:37.000 I think you got to be on stage and be doing it.

02:17:39.000 That's why I love weekends at clubs.

02:17:41.000 Because you get six sets in.

02:17:42.000 They're the best.

02:17:43.000 And you're like, I got it.

02:17:44.000 I've said that to my manager recently.

02:17:46.000 I'm like, what I want to do, they want to book me, because I can sell out these big-ass places now.

02:17:51.000 I'm like, I want to do clubs.

02:17:52.000 I want to do more clubs.

02:17:53.000 Especially right now, I want to do four shows on a weekend.

02:17:56.000 That's fucking great.

02:17:58.000 That's the way to do it, man.

02:17:59.000 Those four shows in a 200-seat room.

02:18:02.000 That's where it's at.

02:18:03.000 But let's talk timeline with both of you guys, because I think you've done, what, three hours now?

02:18:09.000 I've recorded four, so I'm working on my fifth.

02:18:13.000 But do you think six months is too quick to turn around an hour?

02:18:16.000 For production, yes.

02:18:17.000 No, no, I meant meaning for you writing-wise, because like right now I have a new hour, but I go, I don't know, I feel like I want it to breathe.

02:18:25.000 I want it to, you know, I want to give it another eight months and see how good it is.

02:18:28.000 That's what I would do.

02:18:29.000 Let it grow.

02:18:30.000 Because I don't know about- What are you guys doing Wednesday?

02:18:31.000 You guys around on Wednesday?

02:18:32.000 I fly to New Jersey.

02:18:33.000 What are you doing?

02:18:35.000 Wanna do the Ice House?

02:18:36.000 If you're around?

02:18:37.000 Yeah.

02:18:37.000 What is it?

02:18:38.000 10?

02:18:38.000 Wednesday.

02:18:39.000 You, me, and Ron White.

02:18:40.000 Holla.

02:18:40.000 Holla at your boy.

02:18:41.000 Oh shit, bitches.

02:18:43.000 Fuck.

02:18:43.000 I'll see you guys at Stress Factory.

02:18:45.000 Stress Factory's awesome.

02:18:46.000 I'm in Kansas City this weekend.

02:18:48.000 Oh!

02:18:48.000 When do you leave?

02:18:49.000 Thursday.

02:18:50.000 Are you doing helium?

02:18:51.000 No.

02:18:52.000 Kansas City?

02:18:52.000 Yeah.

02:18:52.000 That's in St. Louis.

02:18:53.000 I thought they have a Helium in Kansas City.

02:18:55.000 No, I'm doing the Improv.

02:18:56.000 Oh, Improv Kansas City.

02:18:58.000 I'm doing the Wilbur January 21st, so if you'd like to come see me in a theater, which is very seldom.

02:19:04.000 I'm not a big theater guy because I don't think my act translates.

02:19:06.000 Oh, it's a way to sell tickets, Bert.

02:19:07.000 Well, the Wilbur's the best theater ever.

02:19:09.000 That's what everyone says.

02:19:10.000 It's super shallow.

02:19:11.000 Oh, really?

02:19:11.000 It's just three stacks.

02:19:12.000 It's like having three comedy clubs stacked on top of each other.

02:19:15.000 It's amazing.

02:19:16.000 The Wilbur in Boston is fucking amazing.

02:19:19.000 Well, go get tickets, guys.

02:19:19.000 January 21st.

02:19:20.000 I'll be there.

02:19:21.000 That's a good spot.

02:19:22.000 Alright, let's wrap this bitch up.

02:19:24.000 So tomorrow, 11 o'clock in the morning, we're going to find out, is it going to be the water champ, or is it going to be the machine?

02:19:30.000 The machinist.

02:19:31.000 The machinist.

02:19:33.000 So, tune in tomorrow.

02:19:35.000 Hashtag whoisfatweek.

02:19:36.000 Do we shave the beard right away?

02:19:38.000 Oh, fuck yeah.

02:19:39.000 Start it off.

02:19:39.000 And then we party.

02:19:40.000 Well, I'm going to bring in...

02:19:41.000 Oh, if I'm fucking beardless.

02:19:42.000 I actually purchased an electric shaver.

02:19:44.000 So I'm bringing in a brand new electric shaver.

02:19:47.000 We'll pop it out so nobody has to worry about AIDS. Like trimmers?

02:19:49.000 Yeah.

02:19:50.000 Yeah.

02:19:50.000 Put the clipper thing on.

02:19:53.000 I ordered a barber's cape.

02:19:55.000 Oh, beautiful.

02:19:56.000 Hey, do you have a sponsorship for Dollar Shave Club tomorrow?

02:19:58.000 Yes, I do.

02:19:58.000 Well, Dollar Shave Club is my sponsor.

02:20:01.000 It sponsors the podcast, but we'll give them a free one tomorrow.

02:20:03.000 I've always wanted to use their razors.

02:20:04.000 I've had them on my podcast.

02:20:06.000 Oh, you're going to.

02:20:06.000 They're fucking great.

02:20:06.000 You're fucking going to.

02:20:08.000 Do you like what I've already submitted?

02:20:10.000 They've got this stuff called Dr. Carver's Easy Shave Butter.

02:20:13.000 Have you ever used that?

02:20:14.000 I've been shaving in 12 years.

02:20:15.000 Oh, that's right.

02:20:16.000 You haven't.

02:20:17.000 What about your balls?

02:20:17.000 No?

02:20:18.000 You know what?

02:20:19.000 I got so fat, it was a lot of guesswork, so I stopped.

02:20:23.000 And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow, 11 a.m.

02:20:26.000 Pacific, we will see you.

02:20:28.000 Bye.

02:20:28.000 Love you.

The Joe Rogan Experience - January 02, 2017

Joe Rogan Experience #894 - #WhoIsFat Weigh-in - Day 1

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