The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #941

00:00:00.000 We're about as lucky as human beings ever get to be.

00:00:06.000 Are we live?

00:00:10.000 Audio-wise?

00:00:11.000 We're live podcast-wise?

00:00:13.000 Greg and I were just talking about...

00:00:14.000 Greg, for people who don't know, Greg Fitzsimmons and I have been friends for like 28 years.

00:00:19.000 28 years.

00:00:20.000 Dude, we're old as fuck.

00:00:21.000 God damn, we're old.

00:00:24.000 We started out as raw open micers almost exactly at the same time.

00:00:29.000 Yeah, but I was dreaming about it since I was a kid.

00:00:32.000 When did you think that it might be something you want to do?

00:00:35.000 Because I was grabbing microphones when I was fucking eight.

00:00:37.000 Wow.

00:00:38.000 Telling jokes into them.

00:00:39.000 No shit.

00:00:40.000 That's awesome.

00:00:41.000 What about you?

00:00:42.000 No, man.

00:00:42.000 It wasn't until I was like 21, like right before I did it, like maybe 20 or 21. And one of the reasons for it is a guy still a good friend of mine.

00:00:52.000 His name is Steve Graham.

00:00:53.000 He was an ophthalmologist.

00:00:54.000 And he was this guy who was just this...

00:00:56.000 He's such a fucking wild man.

00:01:00.000 Like, I've met some people that purport...

00:01:02.000 They sort of pretend to be wild men.

00:01:04.000 This guy is the wildest dude I've ever met in my life.

00:01:07.000 But a super smart, super nice guy.

00:01:09.000 Yeah.

00:01:09.000 And he was on the U.S. ski team, okay?

00:01:12.000 And when he described his ski run that he did to make the team, he said, like, at any moment in time, I would have crashed.

00:01:18.000 He's like, I barely hung on the whole way and had this ridiculous time that I could never do again.

00:01:23.000 And he was, like, laughing about it.

00:01:24.000 But dude had, like...

00:01:26.000 I know I'm going to fuck this up, Steve, if you hear this.

00:01:28.000 I think he had 25 knee surgeries on his knees.

00:01:31.000 No shit!

00:01:32.000 Yeah, his knees were insane.

00:01:34.000 Yeah, his knees got to the point where they had to resurface them.

00:01:39.000 So the top of his knees, he doesn't have any cartilage anymore.

00:01:43.000 So there's a steel cap that they put on the top of his knees.

00:01:46.000 And then there's like this artificial meniscus in there.

00:01:48.000 And it rolls up and down and he has like a very limited range of motion with his knees.

00:01:53.000 He's in his...

00:01:54.000 Man, I want to say he probably is 60. He still spars all the time.

00:02:00.000 He's almost legally blind.

00:02:02.000 He's been hit in the head so many times.

00:02:05.000 He has to have these things that go over his glasses so he can see better because he's had a bunch of eye surgeries.

00:02:12.000 Hit in the head from skiing?

00:02:13.000 From sparring.

00:02:15.000 He still spars all the time.

00:02:16.000 He's super fucking smart, but he doesn't care.

00:02:20.000 He's like, I'm just here.

00:02:21.000 He goes, I'm not here for a long time.

00:02:22.000 I'm just here for a good time.

00:02:23.000 He'll laugh at you.

00:02:24.000 He used to be a flight surgeon.

00:02:25.000 He's a fucking animal.

00:02:26.000 Where is he from?

00:02:28.000 I think he was originally from upstate New York.

00:02:30.000 He's one of the very few people that told me a UFO story.

00:02:34.000 And I had to go, whoa.

00:02:36.000 Hmm.

00:02:37.000 Because this dude just doesn't make shit up, and he's done everything.

00:02:40.000 He's a maniac.

00:02:41.000 When I met him, he was learning Taekwondo, immediately became obsessed, wanted to start fighting, immediately.

00:02:46.000 So while he was a resident, okay, he was going through his residency for ophthalmology.

00:02:51.000 He'd be sitting on the toilet.

00:02:52.000 He told me he was sitting on the toilet, eating lunch, and he fell asleep while he was taking a shit, and his pager went off.

00:02:57.000 Woke up, he's like...

00:03:02.000 That's the guy you want heading to the operating room when you're laying on the table.

00:03:05.000 He's a student at the time.

00:03:06.000 The guy's still got a fucking dookie in his cheeks.

00:03:09.000 He hasn't even had time to wipe it out.

00:03:11.000 You were always on call.

00:03:13.000 You were always working.

00:03:14.000 Oh, man.

00:03:14.000 I had two friends that went to their residency.

00:03:16.000 My other friend was a Korean friend.

00:03:18.000 His name was Jungshik.

00:03:19.000 And Jungshik, he actually won the nationals.

00:03:22.000 He won the U.S. national championship while he was in medical school.

00:03:25.000 For taekwondo?

00:03:26.000 Yeah.

00:03:27.000 Wow.

00:03:27.000 He was a beast.

00:03:28.000 And he was never like a really physically talented guy.

00:03:31.000 He was just unbelievably determined.

00:03:35.000 And super smart.

00:03:37.000 It's not that he was physically inept, but he didn't have any amazing attributes.

00:03:41.000 Like, some fighters just have amazing physical attributes.

00:03:44.000 Plus, he could already count to ten in Korean, so he was, like, ahead of the class.

00:03:49.000 He was also, like, super humble.

00:03:51.000 It was really weird.

00:03:52.000 I mean, you were talking about a dude who won the national championship.

00:03:56.000 And when you would ask him about it, he would always say, Oh my god, I suck.

00:03:59.000 I'm fucking terrible.

00:04:00.000 I can't even believe that I win these fights.

00:04:02.000 Like, he would just joke around about it.

00:04:04.000 How do people, I mean, I put you in this category, is I'm amazed by some people's energy.

00:04:10.000 Because I've always had, I think because I have depression, I have mild depression, medicated for it.

00:04:15.000 And my whole life I've struggled to manage my energy and to focus it and pick what it is I need to accomplish and put my energy on that and let go of the things that keep it simple.

00:04:26.000 Yeah.

00:04:26.000 Just keep it simple.

00:04:27.000 And I look at somebody like you are talking about this guy.

00:04:30.000 And I mean, you already did a three-hour fucking podcast today.

00:04:33.000 You're sitting down with me.

00:04:34.000 We're seven minutes into another three-hour podcast.

00:04:37.000 You probably already worked out today.

00:04:39.000 No, I didn't.

00:04:39.000 I think I had food poisoning.

00:04:42.000 Oh, right, right.

00:04:43.000 I was telling you before.

00:04:44.000 But it's just amazing to me how we're all built differently.

00:04:47.000 And when you gauge success, it's like...

00:04:51.000 You know, we all are dealing with a different tool belt.

00:04:54.000 Some of us have this unlimited energy and focus.

00:04:56.000 Some have ADHD. And somehow those things that fuck you up can make you stronger.

00:05:02.000 Like, I'm sure there's things about you that maybe you didn't do well in school because of that made you successful in life.

00:05:10.000 Yeah.

00:05:11.000 Yeah, 100%.

00:05:11.000 Yeah.

00:05:13.000 I've never been a very disciplined person, believe it or not.

00:05:16.000 But you've always had the energy?

00:05:17.000 But I've always been driven.

00:05:18.000 Like I find things that I obsess on and then it's not a discipline thing.

00:05:22.000 It's a matter of like almost like limiting my amount of time that I'm doing them.

00:05:26.000 Like when I was doing Taekwondo when I was competing, it was never an issue of I gotta be disciplined and show up to train.

00:05:32.000 It was the opposite.

00:05:33.000 It was like I was training all day.

00:05:35.000 I was constantly training.

00:05:36.000 I was obsessed.

00:05:38.000 You know, so, but the problem is, like, if you say, hey, you have to go do your taxes, I'm like, oh my god, I can't do it.

00:05:45.000 It's like if you told me that I had to be an accountant, I'd be like, oh my god, I'm too stupid.

00:05:49.000 I can't do it.

00:05:49.000 I just don't, I can't focus on anything I don't want to focus on.

00:05:53.000 So getting a business manager was like the greatest thing that ever happened to you.

00:05:56.000 That's huge, but it's also like picking something for a living that you actually enjoy doing.

00:06:01.000 I think there's a lot of people that are tortured out there that really are supposed to be like a bike maker.

00:06:06.000 They're supposed to make fucking motorcycles or something.

00:06:08.000 But instead, they got sucked into some insurance job, and they don't give a fuck about it, and they're just trying to sell policies, and it's just a grind on your soul every day.

00:06:17.000 You and I, that's what we were talking about before the podcast, how lucky we are.

00:06:20.000 Out of all these years that we've known each other, we're fucking comics.

00:06:26.000 This is what we always wanted, but we didn't even know we wanted this.

00:06:29.000 And when I go, people say to me, I'll be out to dinner.

00:06:32.000 It'll be like 10, 15 at night.

00:06:34.000 I'm in Venice Beach.

00:06:35.000 I'm with good friends.

00:06:36.000 And my wife, having a nice meal, finishing up some tiramisu, pay the bill.

00:06:41.000 They're like, ah, I'm tired.

00:06:42.000 All right, we're going to go to bed.

00:06:43.000 I'm like...

00:06:44.000 Yeah, I'm heading to Hollywood.

00:06:45.000 Gonna do a spot in about 45 minutes.

00:06:46.000 They look at me like I'm fucking crazy.

00:06:48.000 And they go, is it for the money?

00:06:50.000 I go, no, I think I'm getting $15.

00:06:52.000 Well, is it to get seen?

00:06:53.000 I'm like, there hasn't been industry at the fucking comedy store in about three decades.

00:06:57.000 Well, why are you doing it?

00:06:59.000 Why are you doing it?

00:07:00.000 And I go, I got no fucking idea.

00:07:02.000 I just need to do it.

00:07:04.000 Because I just, I fucking love it.

00:07:06.000 And it's not, and it's like, and I'm never too tired to go do a spot.

00:07:09.000 I'll be too tired to write a spec script I'm supposed to be working on or whatever.

00:07:16.000 But when it comes time to fucking, I look at my phone and I go, oh fuck, I got a 1030 at the Laugh Factory.

00:07:22.000 I'm like, I'm in the car.

00:07:24.000 I got fucking classic rock playing.

00:07:26.000 I'm ready to go.

00:07:27.000 Right.

00:07:28.000 Yeah.

00:07:30.000 It makes sense, man.

00:07:32.000 You know?

00:07:32.000 After 28 years, how lucky are we?

00:07:36.000 Stupid lucky.

00:07:37.000 But that energy that you get out of, like, laughter, people laughing at your ideas and orchestrating those ideas and getting them done and, you know, dismounting strong.

00:07:48.000 Thank you, goodnight, bring up the next guy.

00:07:50.000 Especially the way we do it at the store, where you're doing these 15-minute sets.

00:07:54.000 It's fun, man.

00:07:55.000 15 is such a perfect amount of time.

00:07:58.000 Working some new shit.

00:07:59.000 Yeah.

00:07:59.000 Do some shit you know is going to work.

00:08:00.000 Working some new shit.

00:08:02.000 Yeah.

00:08:02.000 Taking a little hand grenade you know you got.

00:08:05.000 Yeah.

00:08:06.000 A joke just bombed.

00:08:07.000 Here's a little thing I call Winter Jacket from 1987. Bam.

00:08:13.000 Back in the game.

00:08:15.000 And also, you get to see all these other people.

00:08:17.000 You know, I think it's super important in this, in this way.

00:08:21.000 Well, this is the climate right now.

00:08:23.000 I'm sure you've been aware of all the Amy Schumer controversy.

00:08:25.000 Oh, please.

00:08:26.000 Jesus Christ.

00:08:28.000 We are all influenced by each other.

00:08:30.000 Yeah.

00:08:30.000 All of us.

00:08:31.000 But it's a good thing.

00:08:32.000 What's important is just originality.

00:08:34.000 It's very important.

00:08:35.000 So, there's comics, like, I know Norton doesn't even like to watch people.

00:08:40.000 I can't watch people.

00:08:41.000 Yeah, but I do.

00:08:43.000 I do all the time.

00:08:43.000 You don't watch people?

00:08:44.000 Like, if Louis shows up, you don't watch them?

00:08:46.000 I'll watch a little bit and then I'll walk out.

00:08:48.000 I tell I can't be anywhere near.

00:08:50.000 Oh, he gets you with that cadence.

00:08:51.000 I start getting that cadence.

00:08:53.000 My balls smell like a foot!

00:08:55.000 So, yeah, and that's how she ended up.

00:08:59.000 Anyway, a couple McNuggets later...

00:09:03.000 You know, it's like, I don't say that.

00:09:05.000 What the fuck?

00:09:06.000 He's just too, yeah, it's too strong.

00:09:07.000 But if I'm working on the road, I'll watch both comics, the opener and the feature act.

00:09:14.000 I'll watch them, number one, so I don't do any of the same premises.

00:09:18.000 Right.

00:09:19.000 And number two, I feel like I owe it to them, because a lot of them will say, you know, I asked to work with you three months ago.

00:09:26.000 It's like it's a really big deal to them to work with headliners that they like.

00:09:30.000 You know, and I think part of that is I have responsibility to watch their act and say, hey, great job.

00:09:36.000 Or, you know, hey, there you go.

00:09:40.000 You know what I mean?

00:09:41.000 But like, give them some feedback and fuck, man, I take numbers all the time.

00:09:45.000 I'll get a guy's number if he's good.

00:09:47.000 And then when I'm in his neck of the woods, then I'll call him up and I'll have him featured for me in a club.

00:09:52.000 That's huge.

00:09:53.000 That's giant.

00:09:53.000 When you're a young guy and somebody gives you that nod like that.

00:09:57.000 Yeah.

00:09:58.000 First person I ever worked for was Warren McDonald.

00:10:01.000 Yeah.

00:10:02.000 Remember Bill McDonald's brother?

00:10:03.000 Yeah, he played guitar.

00:10:04.000 Great guy.

00:10:05.000 George McDonald's brother.

00:10:06.000 George McDonald's.

00:10:06.000 Bill McDonald's.

00:10:07.000 Didn't they have a brother, Bill, too?

00:10:08.000 No.

00:10:08.000 George and Warren.

00:10:09.000 I think they had a bunch of kids in the family, but those were the two comedians.

00:10:14.000 George was the one.

00:10:14.000 I'm sorry, George.

00:10:15.000 George was the one who used to host the open mic night.

00:10:19.000 First guy to ever bring me on stage at an open mic night.

00:10:22.000 Super great guy.

00:10:22.000 He was my roommate for a while.

00:10:24.000 Was he really?

00:10:25.000 In New York.

00:10:25.000 We lived on Mulberry Street together.

00:10:27.000 Oh.

00:10:27.000 Dude, I remember when you lived in Little Italy.

00:10:29.000 I went to visit you up there once.

00:10:31.000 You had this cool fucking apartment right over an Italian restaurant or something.

00:10:34.000 And it was above the Ravenite Social Club, which was John Gotti's social club.

00:10:39.000 Dude, you were in the hood.

00:10:41.000 I just remember when I went to visit you, when I went up to your apartment, I'm like, dude, you're in the hood.

00:10:45.000 Yeah.

00:10:45.000 Yeah, it was Mulberry between Prince and Spring.

00:10:47.000 And it was like, you know, Wednesdays was the night when the family would get together.

00:10:54.000 And Gotti's son was out front.

00:10:56.000 And all these limos would pull up and they'd double park.

00:10:59.000 And these guys in overcoats would go out and they'd go on to this little fucking club.

00:11:02.000 Oh my God.

00:11:03.000 And they'd walk up and down the street because the place was wiretapped.

00:11:07.000 The Ravenite Social Club was where all the deals went down.

00:11:13.000 It was the Gambinos, right, Gotti?

00:11:15.000 Yeah.

00:11:16.000 And so they started walking.

00:11:18.000 They knew the place was wiretapped, so they would walk down the street, down Mulberry Street, in groups, and they'd talk.

00:11:24.000 So the FBI started inserting—they would park cars on the street, and they'd put wiretaps in the hubcaps of the cars.

00:11:32.000 Whoa.

00:11:32.000 And they would pick up the conversation as they walked up and down the street.

00:11:35.000 Whoa.

00:11:36.000 Yeah.

00:11:37.000 And so we moved into this place, and it was Tony and Gladys.

00:11:42.000 It was a six-floor walk-up.

00:11:45.000 It's no fucking joke.

00:11:46.000 So if you're on the six-floor, you ought to carry your couch?

00:11:49.000 Well, we didn't have to because we moved in, and they gave us, with their apartment, this old Italian couple.

00:11:55.000 And we move in, and it was an illegal sublet.

00:12:00.000 So we move in, and they've got the fucking couches with the plastic on them and the little end tables.

00:12:04.000 There it is.

00:12:05.000 There's Craig's old apartment.

00:12:06.000 There it is!

00:12:07.000 That's my fucking apartment.

00:12:08.000 What floor were you on?

00:12:09.000 Sixth floor.

00:12:10.000 Holy shit.

00:12:12.000 Oh no, I guess it's five.

00:12:12.000 Five floors.

00:12:13.000 So you didn't have an elevator.

00:12:15.000 You had to walk all the way up there.

00:12:16.000 No, you had to walk all the way up.

00:12:17.000 That's fascinating.

00:12:18.000 And there was no buzzer, so you'd go out on the fire escape and throw the keys down below.

00:12:22.000 That's hilarious!

00:12:23.000 So someone would ring your doorbell, you go, hey man, here's the key.

00:12:26.000 You'd have to drop it on their head.

00:12:27.000 Right.

00:12:28.000 But how many times did the key hit the ground?

00:12:30.000 I think after a while it wouldn't be viable.

00:12:31.000 You put it in a sock.

00:12:33.000 Dude, you really did do this.

00:12:34.000 This is the move.

00:12:35.000 I love it.

00:12:36.000 Makes me want to live there for like a day.

00:12:39.000 Let me tell you, we moved in and so we got all this plastic furniture and it had the end table.

00:12:49.000 I open it up and there's shell casings from a gun.

00:12:54.000 And then there was a device to listen, to record your phone conversations they left behind.

00:13:01.000 They were all somewhat in the mafia.

00:13:03.000 They weren't necessarily getting paid, but everybody was running numbers with their friends and involved.

00:13:09.000 And he goes, anybody ever bothers you?

00:13:12.000 This guy's like 80 years old.

00:13:13.000 You let me know.

00:13:14.000 I'll take care of it.

00:13:15.000 I know people.

00:13:15.000 You know who I'm talking about.

00:13:17.000 I'm not going to say who I'm talking about, but you know who I'm talking about.

00:13:19.000 And so they got a condo around the corner because their son Gregory was in construction.

00:13:25.000 And he bought them a condo, cash, that was nice.

00:13:28.000 And then we paid $700 a month in rent, me and George, together.

00:13:34.000 First of the month, walk around the corner to Prince Street, sit down with them.

00:13:40.000 They'd make cappuccino, give us cannolis, and I'd give them $500 cash.

00:13:44.000 And then Tony would go in the other room and I'd give Gladys another $200 because that was her bingo money.

00:13:50.000 Because St. Anthony's on Sullivan Street had bingo on Tuesday nights.

00:13:55.000 And then St. Patrick's on Mulberry Street had bingo on Thursday nights.

00:13:59.000 Was that a deal that you all worked out together?

00:14:02.000 Gladys made the deal with us.

00:14:03.000 Gladys made the deal.

00:14:04.000 So did Gladys tell you to keep it on the DL that she's getting the two?

00:14:06.000 Tony had no idea.

00:14:07.000 Tony don't need to know about my bingo money.

00:14:11.000 I would so be happy to keep that secret.

00:14:14.000 Right, right.

00:14:14.000 Like, Gladys, I'll go to the grave with the secret.

00:14:16.000 Yeah.

00:14:17.000 I love it.

00:14:18.000 And they'd all play bingo, and then they'd bet the numbers.

00:14:20.000 There was a woman, Gina, and she had these two little schnauzer dogs, and she'd walk up and down Mulberry Street, and people would stop and say hi to her, like, every half a block, because she ran the numbers.

00:14:31.000 And you gave her ten bucks, and I don't know if you know how the numbers work, but they basically take...

00:14:37.000 The purse at Aqueduct every day.

00:14:39.000 You'd look in the New York Post, and there's a purse that's like, however much money was bet, say it's, you know, $300,551, and the last three digits of the purse is what the number is that won the day before.

00:14:54.000 So you play three numbers for $10, and it pays, what would the odds be?

00:15:00.000 $10 to $1?

00:15:01.000 $100 to $1?

00:15:03.000 I don't know what the odds are, but this fucking old lady was walking around.

00:15:07.000 She'd go to the shark bar.

00:15:08.000 People would make bets with her.

00:15:09.000 My grandmother went to jail for that.

00:15:11.000 No shit.

00:15:12.000 Yeah.

00:15:13.000 Really?

00:15:14.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:15:14.000 When we would go visit her.

00:15:16.000 In Jersey?

00:15:16.000 Yeah.

00:15:17.000 Yeah, Newark.

00:15:18.000 Wow.

00:15:19.000 We'd go visit her for six months.

00:15:21.000 We'd be like, where's grandma?

00:15:22.000 Oh, grandma's with your aunt.

00:15:25.000 Yeah.

00:15:27.000 Your aunt was in there, too?

00:15:28.000 No, no, no, no, no.

00:15:29.000 She wasn't.

00:15:30.000 You know, it was just they were telling me that she was visiting my aunt.

00:15:33.000 So, was she like on the street corner running numbers?

00:15:36.000 I don't know the full extent of the story.

00:15:39.000 Dude, you gotta find out.

00:15:40.000 She's dead.

00:15:41.000 And she wouldn't rat out the mob.

00:15:45.000 Right.

00:15:45.000 And that's why they put her in.

00:15:46.000 Yeah.

00:15:46.000 Like, they gave her the option to tell on whoever her boss was.

00:15:50.000 Yeah.

00:15:50.000 She's like, um, fuck you.

00:15:52.000 I'll do time.

00:15:53.000 So she was in the pokey for six months, I think.

00:15:56.000 And she was like knitting fucking sweaters for the guards and shit.

00:15:59.000 And she was my grandma.

00:16:01.000 I mean, she was a full on grandma at the time.

00:16:03.000 She would make spaghetti.

00:16:04.000 She'd make homemade pasta.

00:16:05.000 Oh my God.

00:16:06.000 It was incredible.

00:16:07.000 Dude, that's chapter one of your memoir right there.

00:16:09.000 Her homemade pasta was incredible.

00:16:10.000 Yeah?

00:16:10.000 It was incredible.

00:16:11.000 Oh, it was so good.

00:16:12.000 Like, you would never have anything like it because it was so, like, old country, hearty.

00:16:17.000 I mean, she always made her own pasta.

00:16:19.000 Was she first generation from Italy?

00:16:21.000 Yes, first generation.

00:16:21.000 What was her last name?

00:16:23.000 Di Gerlando.

00:16:23.000 Well, that was my grandfather's last name.

00:16:26.000 Her last name was Spamone, I believe it was.

00:16:29.000 Damn.

00:16:30.000 Spamone D'Angelo.

00:16:31.000 They were straight off the boat.

00:16:33.000 They both came here as children.

00:16:34.000 Hey, let me throw a little something in the gagouche.

00:16:36.000 I might have fucked that name up.

00:16:38.000 I can't remember that side of my family.

00:16:40.000 I don't really have that much contact with them.

00:16:42.000 But my grandmother, she had an aneurysm.

00:16:47.000 They gave her 72 hours to live, and she lived for 12 years.

00:16:52.000 My grandfather took care of her.

00:16:54.000 She was a mess, man.

00:16:55.000 Oh, she got dementia from it?

00:16:56.000 She was just gone.

00:16:57.000 She was paralyzed.

00:16:58.000 She couldn't move.

00:16:59.000 Really?

00:17:00.000 My grandfather had to totally take care of her.

00:17:01.000 For 12 years she was like that.

00:17:02.000 My grandfather had to take care of every single thing she did.

00:17:06.000 He had to wipe her.

00:17:07.000 He had to clean her.

00:17:08.000 He had to take care of her bed sores.

00:17:10.000 Could she talk?

00:17:11.000 Barely.

00:17:11.000 Make noises and stuff.

00:17:13.000 And sometimes she could get out of lucid sense.

00:17:15.000 Oh, that's brutal.

00:17:15.000 Oh, dude.

00:17:16.000 You don't know.

00:17:17.000 So I lived with them for a while.

00:17:19.000 When I moved from Boston to New York, when I got signed by Sussman, and I got a manager, I was like, oh my god, I gotta move to New York.

00:17:25.000 I couldn't afford anything.

00:17:27.000 I definitely couldn't afford to live anywhere, and so my grandfather said that I could stay with them for a while.

00:17:33.000 In Newark?

00:17:34.000 In Newark, on North 9th Street.

00:17:36.000 It's the fucking, like...

00:17:38.000 It's a bad neighborhood.

00:17:40.000 Like, my grandparents still live in a bad neighborhood.

00:17:42.000 It was a good neighborhood at one point in time.

00:17:44.000 It was an all-Italian neighborhood.

00:17:45.000 And then they did a thing called blockbusting, where they'd move in and say, hey, black people are moving into your neighborhood.

00:17:51.000 You have to sell now or you're going to lose all your money.

00:17:53.000 Right.

00:17:53.000 And so people would just sell their houses left and right, and everybody moved down.

00:17:56.000 Then it became a black neighborhood.

00:17:57.000 But my grandfather was like, I like black people.

00:17:59.000 Who gives a fuck?

00:17:59.000 Get off my lawn.

00:18:00.000 It was his house.

00:18:01.000 He was never getting rid of that house.

00:18:03.000 And my grandmother had this aneurysm and she lived in agony.

00:18:08.000 And so when I was staying with them, when I moved to New York and I didn't have an apartment for three months, I stayed with them.

00:18:13.000 And she would just moan, make these horrible moans and be like, God damn it.

00:18:19.000 You realize what it's like when your body fails you and you're still alive for years and years?

00:18:25.000 It was awful.

00:18:26.000 Dude, my threshold for pull the plug is really, really high.

00:18:30.000 Yeah.

00:18:30.000 No, low.

00:18:31.000 It's low.

00:18:32.000 Really low.

00:18:32.000 Yeah, if I get anywhere near that state, take me out.

00:18:35.000 You know who just died?

00:18:37.000 The angel of death.

00:18:38.000 Remember that guy?

00:18:39.000 He worked in a nursing home and he killed 37 people over like three decades.

00:18:43.000 I do.

00:18:44.000 And people like your grandmother that were suffering, he would just fucking take them out.

00:18:48.000 Fuck.

00:18:50.000 I wonder if people knew when they started bringing him into that place.

00:18:53.000 I would.

00:18:53.000 Well, the question is, like, did he do it to people that weren't going to die?

00:18:57.000 Oh, yeah, absolutely.

00:18:58.000 Just for a goof.

00:18:59.000 Yeah.

00:18:59.000 Well, I don't know if it was a goof.

00:19:00.000 I think in his mind, he was...

00:19:02.000 Doing it for a good reason.

00:19:04.000 The angel.

00:19:05.000 You know, he was an angel.

00:19:07.000 Which I could see.

00:19:09.000 I had my friend Johnny come visit me.

00:19:11.000 He came visit me in New Jersey, and we're hanging out with my grandfather, just sitting around talking to him.

00:19:16.000 Old linoleum floor, you know, those old school houses.

00:19:19.000 Smells like boiled potatoes.

00:19:21.000 Fucking salami hanging around all over the place, like the whole deal.

00:19:24.000 Always bought fresh bread every day.

00:19:26.000 Walked down to the bakery, got the bread, came back, was like, as Italian as it gets.

00:19:31.000 And while we're hanging out there, my grandma was just moaning in the other room.

00:19:35.000 And my friend Johnny was like, holy shit.

00:19:38.000 I was like, I told you.

00:19:39.000 He's like, dude, that's negative.

00:19:40.000 That's what he was saying to me.

00:19:41.000 He was like, dude, that's so negative.

00:19:47.000 It is.

00:19:47.000 It's like the opposite of a sound machine that cheers you up.

00:19:50.000 Well, that's what he was.

00:19:52.000 My friend Johnny was brilliant.

00:19:54.000 Brilliant guy.

00:19:55.000 Just in a weird, crazy way.

00:19:57.000 But he was like, dude, you don't want to be around that.

00:20:01.000 This is negative for you.

00:20:02.000 You can't fix it.

00:20:03.000 You can't fix it.

00:20:04.000 You got to get out of here.

00:20:05.000 And I was like, you're right.

00:20:06.000 Your grandfather must have been fucking psyched that you were staying there for a little while.

00:20:09.000 He was for a while.

00:20:11.000 He liked it.

00:20:12.000 He was a great guy.

00:20:14.000 He was just such a sweet guy.

00:20:16.000 What did he do?

00:20:16.000 The big thing around the family was always like there was pride that he worked in a machine shop that made a part for the nuclear bomb.

00:20:28.000 And everybody would say, you know what Grandpa does, right?

00:20:31.000 What Grandpa did?

00:20:32.000 He made something.

00:20:33.000 He was like a foreman after a while.

00:20:36.000 Worked in some sort of machine shop.

00:20:38.000 You know what he does?

00:20:39.000 He kills Japs.

00:20:40.000 That's what he does.

00:20:42.000 Fucking three times they used his part.

00:20:45.000 Boom, boom, boom!

00:20:46.000 Yeah, that was like the thing people would talk about.

00:20:48.000 Was it three times or two bombs?

00:20:49.000 Two.

00:20:50.000 Two bombs.

00:20:51.000 Two.

00:20:51.000 Yeah.

00:20:52.000 It was like a big source of pride, you know?

00:20:55.000 Yeah.

00:20:55.000 I remember when I was a kid, I was like, wow.

00:20:57.000 That's awesome.

00:20:58.000 Pretty cool.

00:20:59.000 Do you know that I was in St. Louis?

00:21:02.000 Now we're...

00:21:03.000 I forget where in Missouri Truman is buried, but they've got his library, like his museum, and there's a fucking monument to the bomb out front.

00:21:14.000 Jesus Christ.

00:21:16.000 Like, this fucking guy had the balls.

00:21:21.000 We played Oppenheimer in the last podcast with Sam Harris for Dan Harris from ABC News.

00:21:26.000 He had never heard that Oppenheimer quote when he quotes the Bhagavad Gita after the bomb went off.

00:21:31.000 Now, what did he say?

00:21:32.000 He says, Behold, I am become death, destroyer of worlds.

00:21:35.000 It's so creepy.

00:21:37.000 When you hear Oppenheimer say it, I'd play it, but we played it in the last podcast and people would be like, What the fuck, Rogan?

00:21:42.000 Yeah.

00:21:42.000 I'll play it for you after it's over, though.

00:21:43.000 It's creepy, because you see his face.

00:21:45.000 Like, this is the guy that made the fucking bomb.

00:21:47.000 Yeah.

00:21:47.000 And that's his reaction, to read some Sanskrit Bhagavad Gita quote about Vishnu.

00:21:55.000 Yeah, so where did that come from?

00:21:56.000 Because usually it's like the Christians that believe in the Second Coming are into that kind of shit.

00:22:02.000 But that, Eastern, I don't think of Eastern religion as being like that.

00:22:06.000 Well, he was...

00:22:07.000 Oppenheimer was a fucking phenomenally intelligent guy.

00:22:12.000 He was really...

00:22:12.000 Sam Harris was saying...

00:22:14.000 He created the nuclear bomb.

00:22:16.000 I don't know what he did before that, but he was one of the main people.

00:22:18.000 There's a team of people, obviously, in the Manhattan Project.

00:22:21.000 But he was just a super genius guy that Sam Harris was saying.

00:22:27.000 We need to double-check if that's true.

00:22:29.000 But Sam Harris was saying in the last podcast that he taught himself Sanskrit in three months.

00:22:33.000 Or was it Dan Harris that said that?

00:22:36.000 I don't remember who said that.

00:22:36.000 Jesus.

00:22:37.000 But that's how, like, what you were talking about earlier, about energy.

00:22:41.000 Focus on energy.

00:22:41.000 Think about how fucking stupid we are compared to that dude.

00:22:44.000 Yeah.

00:22:44.000 There's levels to this thing, you know?

00:22:46.000 Like, Karl Malone is always going to be better at basketball than you and me.

00:22:50.000 There's just no, no matter what we did, you gotta want it more, Fitzsimmons!

00:22:54.000 Uh-uh.

00:22:55.000 Yeah.

00:22:55.000 This is not fair.

00:22:57.000 It's not fair.

00:22:58.000 He's a seven-foot super athlete.

00:22:59.000 Right.

00:22:59.000 It's just, it's not fair.

00:23:01.000 I know, it's like when I'm around people that have perfect memories, I feel so less than, and I have to remind myself, that's just the fucking machine that this dude was given.

00:23:09.000 Yeah, an awesome hot rod.

00:23:11.000 Like Patton Oswalt or somebody, he'll be on stage riffing, goes from a fucking Tom Waits lyric into like a movie reference of Judy Garland quote from the 1940s, and you're just sitting there going like, I have to look at a list to remember my act every night.

00:23:25.000 Yeah, Patton's...

00:23:26.000 Motherfucker.

00:23:27.000 He's a fucking genius.

00:23:28.000 Very, very, very smart guy.

00:23:29.000 The thing about Patton that's amazing is not only does he have this photographic memory, but he distills thoughts in a very unique way.

00:23:37.000 Like when he puts up...

00:23:38.000 I don't read many people's Twitters, but I read his and it's like, it's always on point.

00:23:44.000 And it's always different than what anybody else is thinking.

00:23:47.000 Did you see the tweet that he made?

00:23:49.000 He made like the best tweet.

00:23:52.000 Um, fuck.

00:23:53.000 What was it about?

00:23:55.000 I gotta remember this.

00:23:57.000 And he's also got limitless energy.

00:24:00.000 Yeah.

00:24:01.000 It was about someone showing up at someone's doorstep.

00:24:05.000 Oh, it was about Jamie Kilstein.

00:24:07.000 It was about Jamie Kilstein showing up at Milo Yiannopoulos' house and cue the theme music to The Odd Couple.

00:24:13.000 Like he got kicked out of his podcast.

00:24:17.000 LAUGHTER It's just his sense of humor, man.

00:24:22.000 His premises, he'll take premises that I would have abandoned long ago and turn them into genius bits.

00:24:29.000 And stretch them out.

00:24:30.000 Yeah, like I hear some of his stuff and go, wow, I just need to focus on topics more sometimes.

00:24:35.000 Maybe instead of just looking for a strong topic, like any topic can be strong if you do it the right way.

00:24:41.000 And he figured, have you ever heard his fucking bit he does about taking his daughter to a Starbucks after she had seen The Lion King?

00:24:48.000 No.

00:24:48.000 And there's a black guy, an old, old black guy with white hair, and the daughter yells out, Daddy, it's a monkey!

00:24:57.000 And this is the way he describes the place.

00:25:00.000 It's a coffee shop in Silver Lake, and he said, you could barely hear the Nora Jones album over the sound of people's eyes rolling.

00:25:09.000 Ha ha [...

00:25:15.000 It's such a good bit.

00:25:16.000 It's so well written.

00:25:18.000 It's a really funny bit about him just running out of there with his daughter.

00:25:23.000 Hashtag racist.

00:25:24.000 It's really fucking funny.

00:25:28.000 Writing jokes, I've been in a little bit of a slump lately.

00:25:31.000 I think mostly because I'm putting another hour together.

00:25:34.000 So I've just been focused on taking the last two or three years' material, transitioning it, tightening it up.

00:25:40.000 So I haven't been writing new stuff.

00:25:42.000 And then when I go back to writing new stuff, I'm like...

00:25:45.000 How does comedy work again?

00:25:47.000 Yeah, I think it's a cop-out that we do when we're working on stuff that we don't do new stuff.

00:25:52.000 We don't write new stuff.

00:25:53.000 Yeah.

00:25:54.000 You lose that muscle, whatever the fuck that weird muscle is.

00:25:56.000 I just forget, like, when you really...

00:25:58.000 I mean, if you really want to get into joke writing, breaking it down, it's like what you said.

00:26:03.000 Do you take the low-hanging fruit?

00:26:05.000 You know, there's always that thing that happens.

00:26:07.000 You know, there's that moment where you go, oh, that's a fucking joke.

00:26:11.000 You know?

00:26:12.000 Like, I just spit about my...

00:26:14.000 I'm driving home.

00:26:14.000 My wife...

00:26:17.000 My wife texts me, what time are you going to be home?

00:26:19.000 So I write 6 o'clock.

00:26:20.000 And she says, will you bring home some eggs?

00:26:22.000 So I wrote, sure.

00:26:24.000 And then I wrote, what are you wearing?

00:26:26.000 And then I got a text back, my cleats and my soccer uniform.

00:26:29.000 And I realized my wife is driving.

00:26:32.000 Son has her phone.

00:26:34.000 And then I got a text right after that, why?

00:26:36.000 What are you wearing?

00:26:38.000 And I was just like, alright, I don't have to write anything there.

00:26:41.000 Right.

00:26:41.000 There's a fucking perfect bit.

00:26:43.000 There's a funny bit.

00:26:44.000 And then I realized, like, I didn't take that...

00:26:47.000 I've been doing that bit for a year, and I haven't pushed it.

00:26:51.000 And, like, Bill Burr saw me do a bit one night, and he's like, dude, what are you doing?

00:26:55.000 You got fucking...

00:26:56.000 You got a fucking unbelievable premise, eh?

00:26:58.000 You got a fucking...

00:26:59.000 And he, like, riffs, like, five other beats to the bit that I do now, and...

00:27:05.000 And you just realize, like, yeah, I'm not fucking pushing it as far as I can push it.

00:27:10.000 Do you think that's an energy thing, like what you were talking about before?

00:27:13.000 I think it's a confidence thing.

00:27:16.000 I think it's having the confidence to say, there's more to this, I'm capable of getting more out of this, instead of just going like, okay, now let me quick get something else that's going to get an immediate laugh and jump topics.

00:27:28.000 Right, right, right, which is a hallmark of someone who's inexperienced or working on completely new stuff, right?

00:27:34.000 Right.

00:27:35.000 Yeah, when someone's inexperienced, like when you watch open micers, it's like one of the biggest things that they do.

00:27:39.000 And also, conversely, is that the right way to use it?

00:27:43.000 Richard Jenny, who's one of my all-time favorites at stretching out stuff.

00:27:47.000 Dude, I've been telling people about this, I've been telling all these comics, go download A Big Steaming Pile of Me.

00:27:55.000 A Steaming Pile of Me or A Big Steaming Pile of Me?

00:27:57.000 Whatever the name of it is.

00:27:59.000 It's one of Richard Jenny's last specials before he unfortunately killed himself.

00:28:05.000 But, God damn, is it good!

00:28:07.000 Yeah.

00:28:08.000 So good, dude.

00:28:09.000 I was on the highway, coming home from the store, on the highway, howling, laughing at this special.

00:28:14.000 Yeah.

00:28:15.000 And the only reason why I listen to it is, you know that weird thing your phone does if you Bluetooth your phone to your car?

00:28:20.000 Sometimes, on my car, I'll just start playing random songs.

00:28:24.000 Oh, really?

00:28:24.000 Just randomly.

00:28:25.000 Yeah.

00:28:25.000 Like, completely randomly.

00:28:27.000 Like, it just starts playing.

00:28:28.000 Like, I don't even press play.

00:28:29.000 I get in the car.

00:28:30.000 I start the car.

00:28:31.000 And when I did it, there was a song.

00:28:33.000 The song went off.

00:28:34.000 And then the next thing was a Richard Jenny bit.

00:28:36.000 And I was fucking howling.

00:28:37.000 It was so funny.

00:28:39.000 Yeah.

00:28:39.000 It was so funny.

00:28:40.000 And not only that, you're losing a lot of it because seeing that guy live, he fucking glided around the stage.

00:28:47.000 Yeah.

00:28:48.000 Because he was a little guy.

00:28:49.000 And so he appeared.

00:28:51.000 You'd see him after a show and you'd be like, you're not the guy.

00:28:53.000 The guy on stage was six foot one.

00:28:56.000 You're five foot seven.

00:28:57.000 What happened to that other guy?

00:28:58.000 Yeah.

00:29:00.000 Well, he did that special with one of those MC Hammer earpieces.

00:29:04.000 Oh, did he?

00:29:05.000 One of those motivational speaker things.

00:29:07.000 Right.

00:29:07.000 He had one of those on, or something.

00:29:09.000 He had either that or a lav mic, but he didn't have a mic in his hand, which I'm always like, what are you transitioning away from being a stand-up and now you're...

00:29:18.000 Like, what is that?

00:29:18.000 Well, he really used his hands.

00:29:20.000 I mean, for most people, you don't need that.

00:29:21.000 But for him, it was like, you know, he explored physically space.

00:29:26.000 He accentuated punchlines with movement.

00:29:28.000 Yeah.

00:29:29.000 And I would watch him night after night sometimes.

00:29:32.000 And if he was saying the word jello, his weight would be on his left foot, his right finger would be in the air.

00:29:40.000 It'd be the same fucking way the next night.

00:29:42.000 It was like a ballet.

00:29:42.000 It was exact.

00:29:44.000 He was, in my opinion, the best at taking a premise and just wringing all the funny out of it.

00:29:51.000 And I remember watching him, and one of the first things that I realized when I was watching, because I went to see him, I paid to see him before I ever did stand-up.

00:30:03.000 And I remember thinking, I actually sat in the front row, it was pretty badass, a Catch Rising star in Cambridge.

00:30:09.000 And I remember, I also saw Meanie kill there.

00:30:11.000 I saw Kevin Meanie kill there.

00:30:12.000 I think we were together that night.

00:30:13.000 Oh my god.

00:30:14.000 I saw him crush there a couple times.

00:30:16.000 But I saw Meanie crush so hard, I went with my friend Diane from high school.

00:30:21.000 We were buddies.

00:30:22.000 And we went, and it was like one of the few girlfriends that I had back then.

00:30:26.000 We were just buddies.

00:30:27.000 And she was like a really funny chick.

00:30:29.000 And we went to see Kevin Meaney.

00:30:31.000 And he fucking killed so hard that I walked out of there in pain.

00:30:36.000 Like, my sides were hurt.

00:30:38.000 Like, people don't know how hard Kevin Meaney used to kill.

00:30:41.000 I would put him against...

00:30:43.000 In terms of being in the right room on the right night, nobody killed as hard as Kevin Meaney.

00:30:48.000 He would fucking...

00:30:49.000 You couldn't kill Harder.

00:30:50.000 You couldn't kill Harder because he went up in this character that was a complete departure.

00:30:55.000 It was a silly guy who was joyous and who didn't give a fuck what you thought.

00:31:01.000 If a joke started bombing, he'd start singing, I don't care, I don't care.

00:31:07.000 My jokes don't go over.

00:31:08.000 I don't care.

00:31:09.000 And then he'd start doing it like a dog.

00:31:11.000 Woof, woof, woof.

00:31:12.000 He'd be bombing.

00:31:13.000 The fucking crowd would not be laughing and he would string that out for like three minutes until all of a sudden they just started laughing at this insane man who was sweating and flopping around on stage.

00:31:24.000 Yeah, well, when I saw him, there was no bombing at all.

00:31:27.000 It was just destruction.

00:31:28.000 It was when he had just done HBO and he was in that groove.

00:31:32.000 He was on fire, dude.

00:31:35.000 It's hard to describe because so much is lost when you see a guy like that on a big stage or on television.

00:31:41.000 You lose being in the room with him.

00:31:44.000 Absolutely.

00:31:44.000 There was a hypnosis going on when he would crush.

00:31:47.000 Yeah.

00:31:47.000 So it was like him, I remember seeing him crush like that and going like, God, like, he was like so silly and it was so fun to get like caught up in his silly.

00:31:57.000 Yeah.

00:31:57.000 That was one thing that I'd saw.

00:31:59.000 Dude, and then closing with We Are The World, which took it to another level because...

00:32:03.000 Ridiculous.

00:32:03.000 ...they had some fucking music and a funny song and impressions within the song.

00:32:08.000 He kept that bit too long, though.

00:32:10.000 Way too long.

00:32:11.000 No, that was his downfall.

00:32:12.000 Yeah, that was a...

00:32:17.000 Four years?

00:32:18.000 Five years?

00:32:19.000 Yeah, maybe it was only five years, and then he just wouldn't let go of the material.

00:32:22.000 Well, he went national, and he had the ethic that the guys in Boston had.

00:32:28.000 That was the problem.

00:32:29.000 The Boston guys, they didn't go national, but they all came up together, and he was one of the top guys, and they all came up doing the same act.

00:32:37.000 They would tighten that fucking act.

00:32:38.000 They would hammer it down like a samurai sword.

00:32:40.000 And then they would go all around town with that same act.

00:32:43.000 And they just did that.

00:32:44.000 There was no social media.

00:32:45.000 There was no one to complain.

00:32:46.000 But I did have friends that would complain.

00:32:48.000 They're like, Jesus Christ, went to see fucking Sweeney.

00:32:50.000 He did the same goddamn act I saw last year.

00:32:53.000 That's going to end.

00:32:54.000 You're going to get a few of those.

00:32:55.000 And today.

00:32:55.000 Go see him this week.

00:32:55.000 Yeah, probably.

00:32:56.000 But Meany, he fucked up.

00:32:59.000 Stephen Wright didn't fuck up.

00:33:00.000 Stephen Wright left from that spot.

00:33:02.000 Jay Leno left from that spot.

00:33:03.000 And they did new stuff all the time.

00:33:04.000 They wrote.

00:33:05.000 Yeah.

00:33:06.000 Yeah.

00:33:07.000 He just got stuck.

00:33:08.000 It's crazy because I remember watching him not do well.

00:33:11.000 One time he had to go on in Miami after Joey Diaz.

00:33:15.000 And it was a disaster.

00:33:16.000 Because Joey was yelling out punchlines in Spanish.

00:33:19.000 And he was talking about sucking his dick and all that.

00:33:21.000 And he was sweating and people going crazy.

00:33:24.000 They were just going fucking crazy.

00:33:27.000 Because Joey Diaz in Miami, in the cocaine days, he would kill.

00:33:32.000 You've never seen nothing like it before.

00:33:34.000 There was no fucks left in his brain.

00:33:36.000 And he was saying shit that was so ridiculous.

00:33:38.000 He got all the fucks out.

00:33:39.000 They were gone.

00:33:40.000 He didn't give a fuck.

00:33:42.000 He had no fucks to give.

00:33:44.000 And he's on stage talking about slinging dick.

00:33:47.000 He was such a caricature.

00:33:52.000 And Kevin had a really hard time.

00:33:54.000 Yeah.

00:33:54.000 Kevin had to go on after him, and it was a disaster.

00:33:56.000 It was just a disaster.

00:33:57.000 Kevin wound up leaving.

00:33:59.000 Yeah.

00:34:00.000 Well, he had a lot of chapters to his life, and then he had a really hard time for a long time, and then he ended up on Broadway doing great with John Panette in Hairspray.

00:34:09.000 Yeah.

00:34:10.000 And then that ended, and he came out of the closet while he was on Broadway.

00:34:14.000 Yeah.

00:34:15.000 Changed his life, and he became a happier person.

00:34:18.000 Lost weight.

00:34:19.000 Isn't that crazy?

00:34:20.000 Yeah.

00:34:21.000 Yeah.

00:34:22.000 Fascinating, man.

00:34:23.000 Yeah.

00:34:24.000 Fascinating different chapters of people's lives.

00:34:26.000 But who he was when he went on after Joey Diaz in Miami should never be confused with who he was when I saw him in Boston.

00:34:35.000 Like, he had just...

00:34:36.000 He hit a stride, and he wasn't able to maintain it, but you can never forget how fucking good he was.

00:34:42.000 Well, just YouTube, his Tonight Show appearances, because Carson fucking loved him.

00:34:46.000 Carson, they would cut away to Carson.

00:34:48.000 He'd have his head on his desk, pounding it with his fist, wiping tears.

00:34:52.000 I mean, he and Niall...

00:34:53.000 And it was just...

00:34:54.000 It was so big, you couldn't follow it.

00:34:56.000 And so he got his break with that show, which was...

00:34:59.000 I blame his representation.

00:35:01.000 He should have never done Uncle Buck.

00:35:03.000 It was the wrong fucking show for him.

00:35:05.000 And it was so high profile, and he was so big, that when it failed, it really crushed him for a long time.

00:35:13.000 Comics should just do stand-up.

00:35:15.000 Yeah.

00:35:16.000 Whenever we do other shit, it just winds up getting in the way.

00:35:19.000 Right, right.

00:35:21.000 Louis C.K. had a great fucking statement the other night.

00:35:24.000 He and I were talking backstage.

00:35:26.000 He's about to go on.

00:35:27.000 He said he doesn't do anything but stand-up anymore.

00:35:29.000 He said, to be your best, you have to do just stand-up.

00:35:31.000 He goes, you can be really good and do other stuff.

00:35:35.000 But like, you know, he's doing his TV show and all that jazz.

00:35:38.000 He's like, to be your best, you have to just do stand-up.

00:35:40.000 So he's not gonna do TV for a while?

00:35:42.000 I don't know, man.

00:35:43.000 I mean, he could do whatever the fuck he wants.

00:35:46.000 But one of the things he said, he's like, I could be happy doing this forever.

00:35:49.000 I was like, God, it's inspiring.

00:35:51.000 You mean getting on a private jet and going to shows that are sold out because you sent out one tweet?

00:35:55.000 Yeah, I think I could be happy to do on that.

00:35:56.000 He doesn't even tweet anymore.

00:35:57.000 He deleted his Twitter.

00:35:59.000 I think all the theater just tweeted.

00:36:01.000 Like, you know, Ticketmaster sends out a tweet and it fucking sells out.

00:36:04.000 But how smart is that?

00:36:05.000 That he recognizes he's at that stage and just steps away from nonsense.

00:36:09.000 But it also takes, I mean, you have to have, like, I think...

00:36:15.000 Some people need to spin a lot of plates.

00:36:17.000 Like, I can't just do stand-up because I start to...

00:36:19.000 It's not so much bored, but I just feel like I gotta do other shit.

00:36:23.000 I get claustrophobic.

00:36:24.000 Yeah, and I just...

00:36:25.000 I need to go...

00:36:26.000 Like, right now I'm writing on a show.

00:36:28.000 And I'm fucking loving it.

00:36:29.000 And I'm taking...

00:36:30.000 Yeah, you're right on Pete's show.

00:36:31.000 Pete Holmes.

00:36:32.000 We were just talking about it before.

00:36:34.000 Pete Holmes is such a good guy.

00:36:36.000 He's a good dude.

00:36:36.000 He is.

00:36:38.000 Such a nice guy.

00:36:39.000 He's good in the room, too.

00:36:40.000 I mean, we're coming up with show ideas, and there's like seven or eight writers pitching shit, and they're all talented writers.

00:36:46.000 And then he'll just go like, he has the best way of saying no.

00:36:50.000 It's very hard to write a room, to run a room, and not...

00:36:56.000 Right.

00:36:58.000 Right.

00:36:59.000 Right.

00:37:29.000 That's awesome.

00:37:32.000 Yeah, there is that weird dynamic between showrunners and comics and actors.

00:37:38.000 It's just a struggle that everyone wants to get their greasy fingers on it.

00:37:42.000 Especially in the beginning.

00:37:43.000 At the beginning of a show's creation.

00:37:45.000 Once you get to some Simpsons level where it's just a smooth machine.

00:37:51.000 Factory.

00:37:52.000 They know what the fuck to do.

00:37:53.000 Leave them alone.

00:37:54.000 Stay away from the South Park guys.

00:37:55.000 Just get the fuck out of the way.

00:37:56.000 Don't get your greasy fingers in it.

00:37:58.000 But if it's a brand new show...

00:38:00.000 And also, being an HBO show, they just give you the keys.

00:38:03.000 They go, alright, do it.

00:38:05.000 Lock up when you're done.

00:38:06.000 There's no...

00:38:06.000 I mean, I wasn't there the first season, but I heard there was very little notes from HBO. That's what Netflix is kind of doing, too.

00:38:13.000 Yeah.

00:38:14.000 Netflix doesn't have any notes.

00:38:15.000 That's why the fucking shows are good.

00:38:16.000 Yeah.

00:38:17.000 I mean, look at these network multi-camera sitcoms.

00:38:20.000 It's like...

00:38:21.000 Do you ever see the clip where they take the laugh track out of Big Bang Theory?

00:38:25.000 I have seen that.

00:38:27.000 Terrific.

00:38:27.000 Dude.

00:38:28.000 But you know what that is?

00:38:29.000 That's pickups, a lot of it.

00:38:30.000 What do you mean?

00:38:31.000 You know what pickups are?

00:38:32.000 Like, you shoot a scene, and then they have to...

00:38:34.000 They change a line, or they want to do something different, and they do pickups when the audience is gone.

00:38:37.000 No, no, no.

00:38:38.000 This was an episode of Big Bang Theory that aired, and then they sucked out the laugh track.

00:38:43.000 Oh.

00:38:44.000 So you're seeing these negative...

00:38:46.000 Definitely?

00:38:46.000 Definitely.

00:38:47.000 Oh.

00:38:48.000 You're seeing...

00:38:50.000 Silence, where normally you would be laughing, in theory, if it was funny.

00:38:53.000 Right.

00:38:54.000 But they just insert laughs, and so I guess people at home laugh at the same time, because they're triggered to?

00:38:59.000 Well, it might be very, yeah, it's a soundtrack, probably.

00:39:02.000 A laugh track, rather.

00:39:03.000 The laugh track is, yeah, it's like some kind of a...

00:39:06.000 We did shows, I think, where we didn't even have an audience, and they just, they did a laugh track.

00:39:11.000 On news radio?

00:39:12.000 Yeah.

00:39:12.000 Oh yeah, you guys did it.

00:39:14.000 We did a couple shows that were like completely ridiculous.

00:39:16.000 I can't remember if they used a laugh track or if they showed it to people.

00:39:19.000 I think in some of them they showed it to people.

00:39:21.000 I feel like in at least one or two scenes we might have had a laugh track.

00:39:25.000 But we did a few episodes that were like super bizarre.

00:39:28.000 Like one of them was in space.

00:39:29.000 So the whole episode took place in space.

00:39:31.000 Like just news radio in space.

00:39:32.000 No explanation whatsoever.

00:39:34.000 Out of space suit on.

00:39:35.000 Like the whole thing was fucking ridiculous.

00:39:37.000 Was that deep into like season six?

00:39:40.000 I think?

00:39:40.000 I don't remember what season.

00:39:41.000 We only did five seasons.

00:39:42.000 But in another one, we did a Titanic episode.

00:39:44.000 We would do one ridiculous episode every now and again.

00:39:47.000 In the Titanic episode, we literally had to fill the setup with water.

00:39:51.000 So in the Titanic episode, I'm sloshing through water up to my waist.

00:39:55.000 It's freezing!

00:39:56.000 The water's fucking cold, man.

00:39:58.000 Because you think of water that you climb into.

00:40:00.000 Unless you're outside and this is a summer and it's 100 degrees out, the water's going to be fucking cold.

00:40:05.000 And you can only stand in it for so long before you start shivering.

00:40:08.000 So you're walking through the...

00:40:10.000 They turn the set into a fucking swimming pool.

00:40:13.000 So ridiculous.

00:40:14.000 That's hilarious.

00:40:16.000 Paul Simms is a genius.

00:40:17.000 Yeah.

00:40:18.000 He was just a madman.

00:40:19.000 You know what we should do one night, just as an experiment, is set up a couple speakers in the back of the room at the comedy store and do a laugh track during our set and see if it makes the audience just fucking go into a frenzy.

00:40:32.000 I bet it would.

00:40:33.000 You think they wouldn't know something's amiss?

00:40:35.000 That would really be funny.

00:40:37.000 You write a bunch of shit that's purposely not funny and have some ridiculous soundtrack.

00:40:43.000 See how people react to that.

00:40:44.000 That would be a fascinating experiment if you did something super offensive.

00:40:50.000 You talked about something super, super offensive.

00:40:54.000 And you did it all under hidden cameras.

00:40:56.000 And you just see if people laughed at something that's really fucked up.

00:41:01.000 And then interview them after the show.

00:41:02.000 Why were you laughing at that?

00:41:03.000 You know, like, isn't that like always supposed to be the knock on shit like when people talk about rape culture?

00:41:08.000 They're always supposed to say that, you know, some guy's on stage and he's talking about rape and everybody's cheering and laughing.

00:41:13.000 Like, that fucking never happens.

00:41:15.000 Yeah.

00:41:15.000 That never happens.

00:41:17.000 Like, if you go on stage and you have a joke about rape, goddamn that joke better be funny.

00:41:22.000 Yeah.

00:41:22.000 It better be so goddamn funny if you're gonna pull off a rape joke.

00:41:26.000 Yeah.

00:41:27.000 Are you saying people clapping on the wrong side of it?

00:41:29.000 What I'm saying is do a joke that is purposely offensive, like really bad, but do it on purpose.

00:41:35.000 Let everybody know.

00:41:36.000 Don't let the audience know.

00:41:37.000 Do it in front of the audience and have a ridiculous soundtrack in the back of the room that just roars laughter.

00:41:44.000 And have people around going, what the fuck?

00:41:47.000 This guy's just talking about raping kids.

00:41:49.000 And have cameras set up to capture the audience's reaction and then put it on YouTube.

00:41:53.000 And then interview them afterwards.

00:41:55.000 Yeah.

00:41:55.000 Ask them, like, if they sign a release.

00:41:57.000 They'd have to sign a fucking release.

00:41:58.000 What were you thinking?

00:41:59.000 How could you laugh at that?

00:42:00.000 But you go, like, were you freaking out that people were laughing?

00:42:02.000 Like, I don't know.

00:42:03.000 I just started laughing.

00:42:04.000 Yeah.

00:42:04.000 I was compelled.

00:42:06.000 Everyone else is laughing.

00:42:07.000 That's what happens, right?

00:42:08.000 People are laughing.

00:42:09.000 They're around you.

00:42:10.000 You start laughing more.

00:42:11.000 Oh, yeah.

00:42:11.000 I mean, that's part of the reason why a club is so good.

00:42:15.000 Because they're all jammed in together like that.

00:42:17.000 Yeah.

00:42:18.000 No, it's a weird...

00:42:19.000 It's a very weird phenomenon.

00:42:21.000 Because...

00:42:23.000 There's always the guy that goes, I should be a comedian because at my office everybody tells me I'm like the funniest guy.

00:42:28.000 And it's like, well then you know what?

00:42:30.000 You'd probably be a good comedian because it's easier on stage in a way.

00:42:34.000 If it's a good crowd and you go up there, you've got a hundred people facing you drinking.

00:42:40.000 Here's the drill.

00:42:42.000 You pay money and you laugh.

00:42:45.000 Yeah.

00:42:45.000 Not, you might cry, you might whatever.

00:42:48.000 No, there's an agenda.

00:42:49.000 You're going to laugh.

00:42:50.000 Right.

00:42:50.000 So if you get up there and you do things that are in the realm of funny, you're going to get the benefit of the doubt.

00:42:56.000 More so than if you walked onto a subway platform and started telling a bunch of rush hour commuters the same fucking material.

00:43:04.000 Yeah.

00:43:05.000 Or your friends that don't want to hear you talk over them.

00:43:12.000 The worst thing is watching one guy go on a rant that might be funny and the other guy starts talking over it and you're like, oh no.

00:43:20.000 You know what that guy's going through right now.

00:43:22.000 The ranter, he's like in the groove and the other guy's like, I've got some funny shit to say too.

00:43:27.000 And he just shits on his rant.

00:43:30.000 When you see guys at a bar and one guy just starts talking over the other guy.

00:43:34.000 Yeah.

00:43:35.000 They lift on their toes and get louder and louder.

00:43:38.000 Yeah.

00:43:38.000 Because there's a chick there and they're trying to score.

00:43:41.000 That's the worst.

00:43:42.000 Did you ever have a friend that would insult you when girls were around?

00:43:44.000 Oh, yeah.

00:43:45.000 I had a friend fucking knock me down once.

00:43:48.000 With a punch?

00:43:49.000 Well, there was a lake near my house growing up, and we used to skate there.

00:43:53.000 It was fucking unbelievable.

00:43:54.000 I grew up in Tarrytown, New York, and we had this reservoir that actually feeds New York City.

00:43:58.000 It's like the main reservoir for the drinking water in New York City.

00:44:02.000 And so it would freeze in the winter, and then they had this shack, this big fucking wooden shack, twice the size of this room.

00:44:10.000 And it had benches, and it had a little snack bar, hot chocolate and hot dogs.

00:44:15.000 Oh, no.

00:44:15.000 Nice.

00:44:15.000 Then you go outside and there's like wooden steps going down into the lake with telephone poles.

00:44:21.000 This is a big fucking lake.

00:44:23.000 Telephone poles around half the perimeter of the lake with spotlights and radio speakers.

00:44:32.000 And they would crank fucking pop music.

00:44:35.000 And you'd go out there until 11 o'clock at night.

00:44:37.000 We'd hide six packs in the snow on the banks of the lake.

00:44:41.000 We'd go out there.

00:44:42.000 We're in seventh and eighth grade, drinking a couple beers, hitting on chicks.

00:44:46.000 And so I'm out there one night.

00:44:47.000 And then during the day, we'd play hockey all fucking day.

00:44:49.000 They had metal nets they would put out.

00:44:52.000 And they would use a plow to plow the snow to make rinks out of the fucking snow on the ice.

00:44:57.000 Whoa.

00:44:58.000 It was insane.

00:44:59.000 And this was before global warming.

00:45:01.000 That shit froze by Christmas, and we were skating in March every fucking year.

00:45:06.000 March?

00:45:07.000 Well, early March.

00:45:08.000 How do you know when to stop?

00:45:10.000 Well, it's three feet thick.

00:45:12.000 But how do you know when it's not three feet thick?

00:45:14.000 They tell you.

00:45:15.000 They test it?

00:45:15.000 The town tests it.

00:45:17.000 Wow.

00:45:17.000 There's another shack on top of the hill where they have spotters.

00:45:22.000 There's guys skating with jackets that are the rink guys.

00:45:28.000 So anyway...

00:45:30.000 I'm there and I'm talking to this chick from the next town over.

00:45:34.000 Celine was her name.

00:45:35.000 I remember this.

00:45:36.000 Deep voice, brown eyes, real fucking Italian girl.

00:45:39.000 That was my type.

00:45:40.000 Little plump Italian.

00:45:42.000 And I'm talking to her and all of a sudden I get fucking knocked down.

00:45:48.000 This kid, Chris Spencer, had skated towards me and just checked me.

00:45:53.000 Just fucking...

00:45:54.000 And I fell down, hit my head, couldn't get up for a little bit.

00:45:57.000 And I was like, what the...

00:45:58.000 And my friends were laughing.

00:46:00.000 I was like, what the fuck was that?

00:46:02.000 And Chris was like trying to break into our little circle of friends.

00:46:04.000 And he was this big dude and he lifted weights.

00:46:07.000 And that was his way of like getting into the group was to fucking knock me down while I was talking to Celine.

00:46:13.000 And I tried to fight him later after when I had my sneakers on.

00:46:17.000 And thankfully somebody broke it up.

00:46:19.000 He would have fucking killed me.

00:46:20.000 But cut to...

00:46:23.000 Oh, and Celine liked me at the time.

00:46:26.000 Cut to...

00:46:30.000 What was it?

00:46:32.000 Halloween.

00:46:33.000 The following year.

00:46:36.000 We're running around and somebody sprayed shaving cream in my eyes and so I chased him down and it was somebody dressed as a bum.

00:46:41.000 Knock him down, sitting on top of him, punching him in the face.

00:46:44.000 People start grabbing me screaming, Dude, it's a girl!

00:46:51.000 So I fucking run away.

00:46:52.000 Turns out it was Celine.

00:46:55.000 Oh no.

00:46:56.000 And guess what?

00:46:56.000 Guess who had a bigger crush on me now?

00:46:58.000 Her?

00:46:59.000 Yeah.

00:46:59.000 After you beat her ass?

00:47:00.000 Tell me about her fucking childhood.

00:47:02.000 Whoa.

00:47:03.000 Really?

00:47:04.000 Yep.

00:47:05.000 So what happened?

00:47:06.000 Did you have to apologize?

00:47:07.000 No.

00:47:08.000 She was in the next town, so I didn't really...

00:47:10.000 I just ducked out of seeing her.

00:47:13.000 How many times did you hit her?

00:47:15.000 I think a few times.

00:47:17.000 She's a girl.

00:47:17.000 Jesus Christ!

00:47:19.000 Why did she spray you in the face?

00:47:21.000 Did she know it was you?

00:47:22.000 No, we used to all run around with, we would take shaving cream, and we'd put aerosol tops on a barbasol can, and then we'd spray each other.

00:47:29.000 You know, when you came home, you were covered.

00:47:30.000 You were a snowman when you came home.

00:47:32.000 And we'd have eggs, and we'd slap each other in the forehead with an egg, and we'd run around.

00:47:36.000 There's always one asshole who had nair, and then you'd have to go home early, because he sprayed fucking nair on your head.

00:47:41.000 So she sprayed shaving cream in my eyes.

00:47:44.000 I couldn't see that well.

00:47:46.000 Wow.

00:47:47.000 And I knocked her around a little bit.

00:47:56.000 Wow.

00:47:56.000 Yeah.

00:47:57.000 My first domestic abuse charge.

00:47:59.000 I heard a girl punch me on the bus once.

00:48:01.000 Really?

00:48:01.000 Yeah, it was like a weird thing, man.

00:48:04.000 When I was 14, I got on the bus for the 13-year-olds, like the junior high school bus.

00:48:11.000 And there was this guy who actually became a buddy of mine later.

00:48:14.000 He was young back then.

00:48:16.000 Muggsy Malone.

00:48:17.000 Shut the fuck up.

00:48:19.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:48:19.000 He was a tiny little dude.

00:48:21.000 At the time, he was...

00:48:22.000 I think he's two years younger than me?

00:48:24.000 And anyway, some girl was mad at me for something.

00:48:27.000 I don't remember what happened.

00:48:28.000 But she started throwing punches at me.

00:48:30.000 And I'm like, what the fuck?

00:48:31.000 And I block her punches.

00:48:33.000 And then I looked down and the dude was like right behind her.

00:48:37.000 And he said something to...

00:48:39.000 Someone else said something to him.

00:48:40.000 And he looked at me and he goes, yeah, I ain't afraid of you either.

00:48:43.000 And I was like, alright.

00:48:45.000 I'm like, just what the fuck ever, man?

00:48:48.000 Can I fight this girl before I fight you, Muggsy?

00:48:51.000 Well, I just fucked up.

00:48:52.000 I was new to the town, and I don't know what happened, what she was mad at me for, but I remember blocking punches by some girls trying to beat my ass.

00:48:59.000 Like, what the fuck are you doing?

00:49:00.000 And this little dude mad at me, too.

00:49:02.000 But Muggsy, was he wearing a little newsy cap?

00:49:05.000 No.

00:49:05.000 Was he from the 1940s?

00:49:06.000 I'm super lucky I never hit that girl back.

00:49:09.000 Because it turned out she wound up dating my friend Mark, who was the captain of the wrestling team, like, afterwards.

00:49:15.000 Yeah.

00:49:15.000 Like, after this.

00:49:16.000 And he would have killed me.

00:49:18.000 He was an animal.

00:49:19.000 And he was a couple years older than us.

00:49:21.000 Like, I was 14. He was 17. He was a senior.

00:49:24.000 And he was like one of the best wrestlers in the state.

00:49:27.000 He was an animal.

00:49:28.000 He smoked cigarettes in between wrestling practice.

00:49:31.000 He'd be in wrestling practice and that girl that tried to beat my ass, she would open up the door and he would go outside in like winter time out and he would like take a couple of drags of a cigarette.

00:49:41.000 Really?

00:49:42.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:49:43.000 While he was wrestling, like at a really high level, he was smoking cigarettes.

00:49:47.000 He was like a thug slash athlete.

00:49:52.000 Interesting.

00:49:52.000 Like a legitimate bad motherfucker.

00:49:55.000 Like an animal.

00:49:56.000 He was an animal wrestler.

00:49:58.000 Made me realize, like real early on, like wrestling practice made me realize how hard some people work out.

00:50:04.000 I had no idea how hard some people work out.

00:50:06.000 Because I had taken karate classes before and I had played baseball, but I never did anything like wrestling.

00:50:12.000 In my first days of wrestling class, I remember thinking, what the fuck?

00:50:16.000 You guys work this hard?

00:50:17.000 We have to go upstairs?

00:50:18.000 We have to carry someone on our back and climb up stadium stairs?

00:50:22.000 What the fuck are you talking about?

00:50:24.000 Like, we're doing what?

00:50:26.000 We're doing endless drills.

00:50:27.000 We're firemen carrying each other back and forth across the fucking gym and racing each other.

00:50:32.000 Constant live drills with wrestling.

00:50:34.000 I would leave there.

00:50:35.000 I could barely walk.

00:50:37.000 I was so tired.

00:50:38.000 I didn't do any homework while I was wrestling.

00:50:40.000 Then I just wound up doing no homework ever.

00:50:42.000 That's true.

00:50:43.000 With wrestling, it really fucks up your grades.

00:50:45.000 You come home annihilated.

00:50:47.000 Annihilated.

00:50:48.000 I was so tired.

00:50:49.000 You're hungry as shit.

00:50:50.000 I just want to sleep.

00:50:51.000 And then did you have to try to lose weight for mates?

00:50:55.000 Yeah.

00:50:55.000 I did, but I wound up stopping doing it because my friend Steven was wrestling at 128 pounds and he was a better wrestler than me, so I went up to 134, which is basically what I weighed when I was 14 or 15, whatever I was.

00:51:07.000 So it was pretty easy.

00:51:08.000 I didn't have to cut any weight at all, but then I cut weight for Taekwondo.

00:51:12.000 When I stopped wrestling and I started fighting in Taekwondo, I caught a lot of weight up until I was 17. And then when I was 17, I was still trying to make 140 pounds, but I'd be walking around at like 150 something and I would just starve myself and dehydrate myself.

00:51:25.000 It was terrible.

00:51:26.000 Really fucked with my performance.

00:51:28.000 Yeah.

00:51:28.000 And then I stopped doing it and I went up to 154 and when I went up to 154 I became way better.

00:51:34.000 That was when I got better.

00:51:35.000 I was holding myself back by the dieting.

00:51:38.000 And I think that's a big factor with wrestlers.

00:51:40.000 But one thing with wrestlers is that their mental toughness, because of that weight cutting, it's almost worth it.

00:51:47.000 Because it's super bad for your health to cut a lot of weight, but those guys who can do it and still compete, they have the ability to push through discomfort and just have a drive to win.

00:51:57.000 Very few sports can match.

00:51:58.000 Because very few sports...

00:52:00.000 Where will the athlete compete in a state of like uncomfort as much as wrestlers do?

00:52:06.000 They're just dieting, starving themselves, dehydrating themselves, and still going out there like fucking savages.

00:52:14.000 So it's just a A different kind of sport, man.

00:52:18.000 Different kind of sport.

00:52:19.000 But anyway, that girl basically beat my ass.

00:52:21.000 I mean, she didn't really beat my ass, but part of me was thinking...

00:52:23.000 And she was younger than you, too.

00:52:24.000 I think she was my age.

00:52:25.000 She was on the bus, too.

00:52:26.000 She was, like, taking the bus back.

00:52:28.000 Fuck.

00:52:28.000 But I was thinking, I better not punch this girl.

00:52:31.000 Oh my god, so glad I didn't.

00:52:32.000 I got smacked by a gay kid in eighth grade.

00:52:34.000 Oh shit, you got pimp slapped?

00:52:36.000 I got pinched as this black kid, Keith.

00:52:38.000 He was really effeminate, and so we used to tease him.

00:52:41.000 Yeah, I'm not proud of it, but like at that age, you just kind of did.

00:52:45.000 It was like, you know...

00:52:48.000 I'm embarrassed by it.

00:52:49.000 Like, you know, I used to whatever, you know, cock your wrist and say shit.

00:52:53.000 And he turned around and fucking smacked me across the face.

00:52:57.000 And he stunned me.

00:52:58.000 I was like, holy shit.

00:53:00.000 And I didn't know what to do because he was part of a family.

00:53:05.000 There was projects in Tarrytown.

00:53:07.000 And there were cousins.

00:53:08.000 And there were families that had a lot of cousins.

00:53:11.000 And his cousins were some badass motherfuckers, the Davises.

00:53:15.000 Oh, no.

00:53:15.000 And so...

00:53:16.000 This isn't to say I necessarily would have hit him after that for a number of reasons, one of which I was not that tough.

00:53:23.000 I was pretty tough with girls on Halloween.

00:53:26.000 But I think I was just so shocked.

00:53:29.000 Did you know that you deserved it?

00:53:30.000 Did you have a feeling?

00:53:31.000 I got hit a lot as a kid and I deserved it most of the time.

00:53:35.000 I got punched in the face in Times Square when I was about 14. Drinking Southern Comfort.

00:53:40.000 I walked past some guy who was like some fucking homeless drug addict who was like coughing up a loogie.

00:53:45.000 And so I started coughing really hard too, making fun of him.

00:53:48.000 He came back and punched me right in the face.

00:53:50.000 Whoa.

00:53:50.000 You don't want to get beat up by a junkie when you're a teenager.

00:53:53.000 Not in the days of AIDS. Oh, that's right.

00:53:56.000 It could have been an AIDS-y punch.

00:53:58.000 No, I used to get smacked around.

00:53:59.000 I was such a fucking asshole.

00:54:02.000 I was such a wise-ass.

00:54:04.000 Because I was the smallest kid.

00:54:06.000 So that was how I fit in.

00:54:08.000 I was the funny guy who made fun of everybody.

00:54:10.000 I would pick fights because then my friends would fight the fights.

00:54:16.000 I was that guy.

00:54:18.000 Well, certain things that kids like when they're growing up, and one of the big ones is things happening.

00:54:24.000 We like action.

00:54:25.000 Yeah.

00:54:26.000 We like something happening.

00:54:27.000 If Fitzy's going to go fuck with that guy, they're going to kick his ass.

00:54:30.000 Like...

00:54:31.000 Because we're bored.

00:54:32.000 Yeah.

00:54:32.000 We had no fucking internet.

00:54:34.000 People love doing stuff like that.

00:54:34.000 We had no phones.

00:54:35.000 We stood on a street corner for five hours.

00:54:37.000 That was Saturday night.

00:54:38.000 My friend Kenny would just start fights with people.

00:54:40.000 He would just go find someone like at a bus stop and just start beating his ass.

00:54:43.000 No shit.

00:54:44.000 Really?

00:54:45.000 He would just go, come on, we're fighting.

00:54:45.000 Yeah, he was crazy.

00:54:47.000 Crazy.

00:54:48.000 Yeah, I watched him fight.

00:54:49.000 I watched him get his ass kicked.

00:54:50.000 He did it once with this guy and the guy knew how to fight.

00:54:53.000 The guy was beating his ass.

00:54:54.000 Good.

00:54:55.000 Yeah.

00:54:56.000 He's just crazy.

00:54:57.000 What's the kid's name?

00:54:57.000 Kenny.

00:54:59.000 What was his deal?

00:55:00.000 He was just nuts.

00:55:01.000 He was older than us.

00:55:02.000 He's like one or two years older than us.

00:55:04.000 Big guy?

00:55:05.000 Nope.

00:55:06.000 Nope.

00:55:06.000 Not particularly big.

00:55:07.000 Just fucking tough as nails.

00:55:09.000 He had a boxing tattoo on his arm.

00:55:10.000 I think he had a Tasmanian devil with boxing gloves on, but he didn't really box.

00:55:14.000 Yeah.

00:55:15.000 Just one of those things like never made it to an actual gym like maybe a couple of times Yeah, but we just start fights and wasn't really that good at it Yeah, it was he was just crazy He just he was crazy and he wanted to fight and he realized that with his limited Mentality and view of the world that the most fun that he had was when he was fighting So it's like well that means we fight and so he just would Want to fight all the time like one time my dog got hit by a car.

00:55:39.000 It was really sad man I lived on a busy street and my dog I opened the door and she got super excited to go for a walk.

00:55:46.000 And I didn't have her own a leash.

00:55:48.000 And she ran out into the street.

00:55:49.000 I just didn't anticipate her running.

00:55:50.000 She was usually pretty good about it.

00:55:51.000 And she ran out and she got nailed by a car.

00:55:54.000 Jesus.

00:55:54.000 It was so sad.

00:55:55.000 She died right in front of me.

00:55:56.000 I carried her back into the house.

00:55:58.000 And she shit herself.

00:56:00.000 Like, that's when I knew something.

00:56:01.000 I still didn't know something was wrong.

00:56:03.000 But looking back, I would have known.

00:56:04.000 She just shit all over the kitchen.

00:56:07.000 And I was like, I can't believe she shit herself.

00:56:09.000 Like, what?

00:56:10.000 She never shits in the house.

00:56:12.000 And then she just slowly slipped away, just lied down, and just stopped breathing, man.

00:56:20.000 She just bled from the inside, internal bleeding.

00:56:23.000 She got hit by a Volkswagen bug.

00:56:25.000 What kind of dog?

00:56:26.000 She was a mix.

00:56:28.000 She was boxer, and I think she had some German Shepherd in her, too.

00:56:33.000 Sweet dog.

00:56:34.000 Sad shit, man.

00:56:36.000 It was sad shit.

00:56:38.000 It was a real bummer, man.

00:56:39.000 It was a real bummer.

00:56:40.000 But anyway, I told Kenny, I'd never had it.

00:56:44.000 I mean, I'd had dogs die.

00:56:46.000 We had a dog that we adopted that had distemper.

00:56:49.000 We wound up having to put it to sleep, started going crazy.

00:56:51.000 It was an adult dog.

00:56:54.000 Not adult, but it was over a year old.

00:56:56.000 And it was a Doberman, and it just started barking at us and snarling its teeth, and it just started losing its mind, and we got it to calm down enough we could get a leash on it and brought it to a vet, and the vet said it had to stamp her.

00:57:08.000 We had to put it down.

00:57:09.000 So I'd had that happen before, but I'd never...

00:57:11.000 Never seen a dog die in front of me.

00:57:14.000 Sad shit.

00:57:15.000 Yeah.

00:57:16.000 So I tell Kenny.

00:57:17.000 He's like, we're fighting.

00:57:18.000 That's it.

00:57:19.000 Come on out.

00:57:20.000 We're fighting, Rogan.

00:57:21.000 You're fucking fighting.

00:57:22.000 No excuses tonight.

00:57:23.000 And we drove around and he wanted me to pick fights with people.

00:57:27.000 I'm like, dude, I'm not fucking fighting anybody.

00:57:28.000 Oh, because that's the way he would deal with his emotions.

00:57:30.000 Mm-hmm.

00:57:31.000 Yeah, pretty sure.

00:57:32.000 Sadness, fight.

00:57:34.000 Anger, fight.

00:57:35.000 Looking for excitement, fight.

00:57:36.000 And it's also, there's a thing about young guys where young guys always want to be the crazy one.

00:57:42.000 Like, oh, Mike's the fucking craziest.

00:57:44.000 Mike's fucking crazy.

00:57:45.000 Mike doesn't give a fuck.

00:57:46.000 And it becomes like a social status among young, especially, we were talking about this before the podcast.

00:57:52.000 Everybody our age was like a latchkey kid.

00:57:55.000 Everybody our age had a mom and a dad that worked, and they opened the fucking door in the morning, and you were off to the races.

00:58:01.000 You went to school, after school, they weren't home for hours, right?

00:58:04.000 You did a bunch of shit by yourself.

00:58:06.000 And most of the time, we're around other fucking savages our age.

00:58:10.000 So it's the abstract influence of the parents on the children that is really...

00:58:16.000 Like, giving you your experience for who you are as a young person.

00:58:20.000 Yeah.

00:58:20.000 You're experiencing how these people taught their kids and what the result was.

00:58:24.000 Because you're around the kids all the time.

00:58:26.000 You're not around your parents.

00:58:27.000 No, they say that you're raised by your peers after about the age of 12. You're basically, your parents are out.

00:58:33.000 Yeah.

00:58:33.000 You're raised by your peers.

00:58:34.000 Yeah, you're constantly with your friends in school.

00:58:36.000 You're constantly with your friends in any activities you have.

00:58:39.000 You're looking for their validation instead of your parents' validation.

00:58:42.000 Exactly.

00:58:43.000 And with my friends, it was always, who's the sickest fuck?

00:58:45.000 Oh, Mike's a sick fuck.

00:58:47.000 You know, Steve's the sickest fuck.

00:58:49.000 He doesn't give a fuck.

00:58:50.000 He's crazy.

00:58:50.000 And there was like a value in that because everybody was scared.

00:58:54.000 That was really at the bottom line of it.

00:58:55.000 We're all young men.

00:58:57.000 We're on our way to becoming adults and no one knows what the fuck they're going to do.

00:59:00.000 We have a few friends that have graduated high school and they're losers now and like, shit, that might be me.

00:59:05.000 Like, that was the big cloud that was always hanging over everybody's head.

00:59:08.000 What are you doing after high school?

00:59:09.000 What are you doing after high school?

00:59:11.000 And it was like this impending date of doom that was coming up.

00:59:15.000 So everybody was scared all the time.

00:59:16.000 Yeah.

00:59:16.000 And everybody wanted to be a man.

00:59:19.000 They wanted to prove themselves.

00:59:20.000 They wanted to be something special and no one felt special.

00:59:23.000 You know, everybody felt like a fucking loser.

00:59:25.000 You know, we're all like waiting, waiting to become an adult so you could get a job like all these other people you knew that were around you or escape or figure out a way to escape.

00:59:35.000 Yeah, and then there's always the community college.

00:59:38.000 Like, people go, well, you know, I'll probably end up...

00:59:39.000 When you hear, I'll probably end up at the community college, that's going to be one semester and out.

00:59:44.000 I did that.

00:59:45.000 I went to Mass Bay, Mass Bay Community College.

00:59:47.000 I did it after a whole year.

00:59:49.000 I took a whole year off.

00:59:50.000 And I just, I only went back to school because I didn't want people thinking I was a loser.

00:59:55.000 So I did like maybe one semester at Mass Bay.

00:59:58.000 I don't even think I finished the semester.

00:59:59.000 And then I left and went to UMass.

01:00:01.000 UMass Boston had this like adult education program where you didn't have to have a GED or a, not GAD, SAT because I never took my SATs.

01:00:08.000 So when I graduated from high school, I'm like, I am never going to school again.

01:00:11.000 Like, fuck this.

01:00:12.000 But I got so tired of feeling like a fucking loser.

01:00:15.000 Like when I tell people I was taking, I would always say I was taking a year off.

01:00:17.000 Taking a year off.

01:00:18.000 Mm-hmm.

01:00:19.000 But really, I just had no direction.

01:00:21.000 All I was doing was doing martial arts and competing.

01:00:23.000 And I just was so terrified of what the fuck the future lead.

01:00:27.000 And so I went to UMass for like three years, but not like three full years.

01:00:33.000 There was still a lot of credits to be acquired if I was going to graduate.

01:00:38.000 And I just was wasting my time.

01:00:40.000 I was barely paying attention.

01:00:42.000 I was completely half-assing whatever project we had.

01:00:45.000 And then I was realizing, like, why am I wasting my time?

01:00:47.000 And then I got some letter saying that I couldn't come back with the grades that I had unless I came up with some very compelling reason.

01:00:58.000 So they wanted me to make an argument for why they should include me back in the class.

01:01:02.000 And I wrote out in handwritten, because back then no one had a fucking typewriter, this total bullshit letter.

01:01:09.000 This ridiculous, persuasive, bullshitty letter about how important education is to me and how important it means.

01:01:20.000 And then I realized the amount of effort that I put writing this bullshit letter to keep these people from kicking me out of their school, which I wasn't paying attention to, Far exceeds any effort that I ever put on any project ever in class.

01:01:35.000 Yeah.

01:01:35.000 And then I realized, okay, whatever I'm going to do with my life, it's not going to involve doing this.

01:01:40.000 Yeah.

01:01:40.000 It's not going to involve someone else dictating my schedule.

01:01:43.000 Yeah.

01:01:43.000 Like, for whatever reason.

01:01:44.000 And you're like, clearly I can write.

01:01:46.000 Yeah.

01:01:46.000 Clearly I can bullshit.

01:01:47.000 Clearly I can think.

01:01:48.000 Maybe comedy.

01:01:48.000 Yeah.

01:01:49.000 Well, I had a conversation with a science teacher.

01:01:51.000 This science teacher, and it was the same kind of thing.

01:01:54.000 I mocked him in class.

01:01:57.000 Not necessarily mocked him, but I brought up something that was contrary to what he was teaching.

01:02:02.000 He was talking about Lake Erie being a dead lake.

01:02:05.000 And I said, listen, man, they had a documentary on PBS last night about Lake Erie making a resurgence.

01:02:10.000 And these scientists have figured out these new ways to minimize water pollution and all this shit.

01:02:15.000 And other kids were looking at me like, what the fuck?

01:02:17.000 And he got pissed at me.

01:02:18.000 He got really pissed at me.

01:02:20.000 And he said, you're undermining my class and this and that.

01:02:22.000 I go, hey, man, you're teaching old shit.

01:02:24.000 Yeah.

01:02:25.000 This is on TV, man.

01:02:26.000 This is on TV like yesterday.

01:02:28.000 And I had a conversation with him afterwards because I had to talk to him in order to get back in the class.

01:02:35.000 He kicked me out of the class.

01:02:37.000 And he said two things.

01:02:38.000 He said, one, he said, first of all, I don't know whether or not that was the case, whether or not it's true, and if I allow you to just interrupt my class and chime in something like that, and it's not true, I haven't fact checked it, you're telling the whole class,

01:02:54.000 and I don't know if you're right or you're wrong or you're making things up, but you're interrupting my class.

01:02:58.000 That's the point.

01:02:59.000 If you have something to tell me about it, maybe you can tell me about it after the class, and then I can go and look it up, and then maybe I can correct the class.

01:03:05.000 He goes, but two, in interrupting the class, You showed yourself to be more articulate and more intelligent than you ever showed, ever, in the entire semester.

01:03:15.000 So you're totally half-assing everything you do.

01:03:17.000 Like your writing, everything, the paper you turn in, every test you do, every time I call upon you for a question, totally half-assed that.

01:03:25.000 But when you wanted to correct me on something, all of a sudden you knew all the words, you knew how to form the sentence correctly, you knew how to say it with the right impact.

01:03:32.000 He's like, your focus is off.

01:03:35.000 I was like, god damn, that dude's on the money.

01:03:37.000 And I realized, I'm like, yeah.

01:03:39.000 So I'm not stupid.

01:03:40.000 I just can't listen.

01:03:42.000 I can't do it their way.

01:03:44.000 I gotta do it my way.

01:03:45.000 But I could.

01:03:46.000 I just didn't.

01:03:47.000 I grew up not having any direction.

01:03:49.000 So if someone doesn't tell you what to do all your life, essentially you're just out free.

01:03:53.000 I would go fishing.

01:03:54.000 I'd hang out with my friends in the fucking woods.

01:03:56.000 We'd just go find shit to do.

01:03:58.000 And then all of a sudden you're in school and they're telling you everything you have to do all day.

01:04:02.000 Like, I'm not ready for that.

01:04:03.000 I'm not equipped for that.

01:04:04.000 Not only that, like, you're sitting in...

01:04:06.000 I'm fucking shocked when my kid tells me about it.

01:04:08.000 I go, what was your schedule today?

01:04:10.000 Well, you know, at 8.15 we sat down for 15 minutes for homeroom.

01:04:14.000 Then at 8.30 I go to my first class, which is an hour and 15 minutes.

01:04:18.000 Then we get five minutes off and we go to another class that's two hours.

01:04:23.000 They got these long fucking glasses and it goes like that till 3 o'clock.

01:04:26.000 They get like 25 minutes for lunch and they're sitting boys with fucking chemicals racing through their bodies and girls at the next desk with fucking short shorts and cleavage and little brown titties sticking up.

01:04:40.000 You know when the breeze hits them and they get a little bit of goose bumps on the inside of the cleavage and that cross Jesus is just wedged right in between those two brown fucking heads.

01:04:49.000 Or the Italian horn.

01:04:50.000 The Italian horn.

01:04:52.000 And it's got glitter on it.

01:04:55.000 You remember the people who wore the Italian horn?

01:04:58.000 Yeah.

01:04:58.000 Oh my god.

01:04:59.000 How about charm bracelets?

01:05:00.000 Charm bracelets.

01:05:01.000 Yeah.

01:05:02.000 The fucking flip-flops.

01:05:04.000 Her little toes.

01:05:04.000 She just painted them.

01:05:06.000 Ooh, the toes.

01:05:07.000 Very important.

01:05:08.000 The girl doesn't take care of her toes.

01:05:09.000 No.

01:05:10.000 You can't trust her with her pussy.

01:05:11.000 Oh, fuck yeah.

01:05:13.000 Show me your feet.

01:05:13.000 Sorry, ladies.

01:05:14.000 I hate to do this on Equal Pay Day.

01:05:18.000 So rude.

01:05:19.000 Oh yeah, no, you're going into the salon.

01:05:20.000 You're going to get your fucking nails done after you get your cooch done.

01:05:25.000 Wow, very important for Greg Fitzsimmons.

01:05:27.000 Yeah.

01:05:28.000 Yeah, the idea of letting those kids...

01:05:32.000 Get trapped in that system.

01:05:33.000 Where all day, you're just doing that.

01:05:36.000 And then you get out.

01:05:37.000 Listening passively.

01:05:38.000 And then you get out and you have more work to do at home.

01:05:40.000 Yeah.

01:05:41.000 That just sort of eliminated any social life you might have.

01:05:43.000 Right.

01:05:44.000 You would think that that would be enough.

01:05:45.000 That going to school from 7 to 3. Every fucking day.

01:05:48.000 Or whatever it is.

01:05:49.000 It's a goddamn 8 hour job.

01:05:50.000 It's almost like an 8 hour job.

01:05:51.000 And then you have homework.

01:05:52.000 Where you're really working.

01:05:53.000 The average 8 hour job, you're checking your email half that time.

01:05:58.000 The average person that's working is at a cubicle.

01:06:01.000 I talk to people at shows.

01:06:02.000 I listen to your podcast all the time.

01:06:04.000 When?

01:06:05.000 At work?

01:06:06.000 What do you do?

01:06:07.000 You know, I work in an office.

01:06:08.000 Insurance.

01:06:09.000 Shouldn't you be selling insurance?

01:06:11.000 Ah!

01:06:11.000 You know, I listen to Rogan's podcast every day.

01:06:14.000 That's three hours!

01:06:16.000 Yeah, you know.

01:06:17.000 They're barely working.

01:06:18.000 Nobody fucking works.

01:06:20.000 Nobody's working.

01:06:21.000 Especially if you have any sort of gig with any flexibility.

01:06:24.000 Like, you could just be on your own.

01:06:26.000 Yeah.

01:06:27.000 Like, you're on your own?

01:06:29.000 You can get it done in a couple hours.

01:06:31.000 Most, you go to Europe, and a lot of business models are, it's a shorter work day, it's a longer lunch, more vacations.

01:06:38.000 They get the same shit done.

01:06:39.000 You shouldn't have five days a week either.

01:06:41.000 It should be four.

01:06:42.000 Yeah!

01:06:43.000 Four's good.

01:06:43.000 Three days off is good.

01:06:45.000 When Jamie and I do podcasts, we do more than four days, I'm like, what are we doing, working?

01:06:49.000 Like, we'll come in on the fifth day, I'm like, Jesus, Jamie, what are we working?

01:06:52.000 Yeah.

01:06:53.000 Even if it's like a fight companion, I'm like, look at us, we're here again.

01:06:56.000 Yeah.

01:06:56.000 Back in the fucking office, and this is the greatest job of all time.

01:06:59.000 Imagine if you're selling insurance, you know, or Hyundais.

01:07:02.000 We're really coming down on insurance salesmen.

01:07:04.000 I don't know why.

01:07:05.000 It's a hack premise.

01:07:06.000 It's easy to chip on.

01:07:08.000 Well...

01:07:10.000 Insurance is an interesting gig because if you're on the side where you're writing policies and you're coming up with the fucking numbers on like...

01:07:18.000 Because I remember when I was at Boston University, there was a guy in the administration that had figured out the insurance policies.

01:07:25.000 You can take out insurance policies on every student in the university.

01:07:30.000 Pay for them.

01:07:32.000 And then the policies would pay back to Boston University if you died.

01:07:36.000 They were life insurance policies.

01:07:38.000 Whoa.

01:07:38.000 Because this guy looked at the numbers and he crunched them and he goes, you know what?

01:07:41.000 This is a fucking great deal.

01:07:43.000 You know what?

01:07:44.000 These kids fucking die more often than the insurance company thinks.

01:07:47.000 So they literally took out insurance policies on 30,000 kids.

01:07:51.000 That's insane.

01:07:51.000 Payable back to the university.

01:07:53.000 And there was a big blow up in the newspaper about it.

01:07:55.000 I was making jokes, but I was like, yeah, I was wondering why they took all the traffic lights down on Commonwealth Avenue.

01:08:00.000 Yeah.

01:08:04.000 How crazy are they?

01:08:05.000 They think they can get money when you die.

01:08:08.000 What a bunch of fucking assholes.

01:08:10.000 That's what people used to do when there was no internet.

01:08:12.000 Get away with doing shit like that.

01:08:13.000 No one knew about it for years.

01:08:15.000 That's right.

01:08:16.000 Yeah, they probably didn't know about it forever.

01:08:17.000 Somebody had to probably blow the whistle.

01:08:19.000 Well, there was a good student newspaper in Boston at BU. BU had a great paper.

01:08:24.000 It was one of the best ones in the country.

01:08:26.000 And they cracked the case.

01:08:28.000 And they also led...

01:08:29.000 We were very political.

01:08:30.000 We protested against apartheid.

01:08:32.000 And then they wouldn't allow opposite sex students to sleep in somebody's room.

01:08:42.000 They had a no overnight policy at BU like in fucking 1989. Really?

01:08:49.000 So there was protests about that, which is also really fucking weird because what about gay people?

01:08:55.000 Ooh, right.

01:08:56.000 They can just bang it up.

01:08:57.000 They can bang it.

01:08:58.000 Guys can literally fuck each other in the ass.

01:09:02.000 No problem.

01:09:03.000 No problem.

01:09:03.000 Bang it up.

01:09:04.000 You know.

01:09:05.000 There's probably a few problems.

01:09:05.000 Probably a few problems.

01:09:06.000 Just hemorrhoids.

01:09:07.000 Remember when you used to, if you dated a girl that had a dorm, you used to find the time where her roommate agreed to be out of the room so you could fuck?

01:09:16.000 Right.

01:09:16.000 Or you would come back into the room after the roommate fucked, and it'd just smell like a fucking walrus's asshole.

01:09:23.000 Yeah.

01:09:24.000 Like, Jesus.

01:09:26.000 No ventilation, no window.

01:09:27.000 The fuck are you people done in this room?

01:09:35.000 Ass.

01:09:35.000 Through all the other smells, the ass smell would come first.

01:09:39.000 Well, yeah, because nobody...

01:09:40.000 Look, if you're not using a bidet, people are wiping their ass.

01:09:43.000 And back then, no one even shaved.

01:09:46.000 Girls had asshole hair standard.

01:09:48.000 It was standard.

01:09:48.000 You'd find dingleberries on girls all the time.

01:09:51.000 That's right.

01:09:51.000 People just smudge that shit.

01:09:53.000 After they poop, they smudge that shit.

01:09:56.000 Smudge it around.

01:09:57.000 Yeah, and then when you're fucking, you're sweating and pounding, and the grease from your sweat gets in her ass, cracking.

01:10:04.000 The jizz goes down through the taint into her asshole, swishes around with the shit stain.

01:10:10.000 And with each pump of your hips, you're wafting smells through the air, and it permeates the atmosphere, and it sticks to the curtains.

01:10:18.000 Right.

01:10:20.000 Think about it.

01:10:21.000 It's like a fireplace bellows for us.

01:10:32.000 It's a furnace.

01:10:33.000 Her asshole's a furnace and you're fucking pumping air onto it.

01:10:37.000 Shit and pussy and B.O. And there's no windows.

01:10:46.000 The room is like a jail cell.

01:10:47.000 It's like eight by ten.

01:10:48.000 And the dude probably smells like shit, too.

01:10:50.000 They probably both smell terrible.

01:10:52.000 Yeah.

01:10:52.000 So he's sweating, and his asshole's dirty, too.

01:10:55.000 His asshole's exposed.

01:10:55.000 He's probably even dirtier.

01:10:57.000 His asshole's probably more of a disaster area.

01:10:59.000 Right.

01:10:59.000 He's probably hairier, right?

01:11:01.000 So as he's sweating, his sweat's going down the crack of his ass, and that's all wafting in the room as well.

01:11:07.000 Right.

01:11:08.000 Fucking armpits.

01:11:10.000 Yeah, that was intense, man.

01:11:13.000 That was some intense smells back then.

01:11:15.000 And then you didn't clean your sheets.

01:11:16.000 Especially in January.

01:11:17.000 There was no maid.

01:11:18.000 There was no mother.

01:11:19.000 Here's my laundry cycle in college.

01:11:21.000 I had 30 pairs of underwear, 30 t-shirts, 30 pairs of socks, one pair of sheets.

01:11:26.000 And once a month, I went downstairs and I shoved all that shit into the fucking oversized washing machine and I was done.

01:11:33.000 And if those sheets got cum on them, which they did, Joe Rogan, on a regular basis...

01:11:39.000 They stayed that way.

01:11:40.000 They stayed caked.

01:11:41.000 That was like the sheet at a fucking Jack Shack at 7pm.

01:11:46.000 Full of DNA. Ari Shaffir didn't change his sheets for six months.

01:11:51.000 As an adult?

01:11:52.000 As an adult.

01:11:53.000 When he was working at the store.

01:11:55.000 Why?

01:11:55.000 Didn't want to.

01:11:56.000 Lazy.

01:11:57.000 Never cleaned his room.

01:11:58.000 His apartment was a disaster.

01:12:01.000 And then one day he smartened up and just cleaned the whole place out.

01:12:04.000 Wow.

01:12:05.000 Yeah.

01:12:06.000 Now he's a neat freak.

01:12:07.000 Yeah.

01:12:07.000 Well, he realized.

01:12:08.000 I stayed in his apartment in New York.

01:12:10.000 It was fucking nice.

01:12:11.000 Yeah, he realized.

01:12:11.000 Tight.

01:12:12.000 Look, Ari Shafir's a smart dude.

01:12:14.000 He's a smart dude.

01:12:15.000 He bounces back.

01:12:16.000 He figures shit out.

01:12:17.000 He figures shit out and he bounces back.

01:12:19.000 You know he's been off the grid for three months now?

01:12:21.000 Nobody knows where he is?

01:12:22.000 Are you serious?

01:12:23.000 Yeah, it was pictures of him in Vietnam.

01:12:25.000 Some people found him in Vietnam.

01:12:27.000 They took pictures of him and they put it online.

01:12:29.000 No shit.

01:12:30.000 Yep.

01:12:30.000 He shut off his phone.

01:12:31.000 Doesn't accept incoming calls.

01:12:33.000 He's not answering emails.

01:12:34.000 He told Comedy Central, fuck you, I'm disappearing for three months.

01:12:38.000 Told all his friends, told all of us, hey, see you guys in a few months.

01:12:40.000 I don't know how long.

01:12:41.000 I'm just gonna go have fun.

01:12:42.000 He goes, I just want to disconnect.

01:12:44.000 So he just completely disconnected.

01:12:46.000 He's been traveling.

01:12:47.000 How long ago was this?

01:12:48.000 Three months ago.

01:12:48.000 He did a podcast with Henry Rollins.

01:12:51.000 This is where he fucked up.

01:12:53.000 He did a podcast with Henry Rollins.

01:12:54.000 Henry Rollins is a fascinating guy.

01:12:57.000 Fascinating guy.

01:12:58.000 Angry motherfucker.

01:12:59.000 He's very angry.

01:13:00.000 Yeah.

01:13:01.000 But when you talk to him and you get to know his story, all the pieces sort of fall into place.

01:13:07.000 Yeah.

01:13:07.000 He was one of the earliest children that they put on Prozac.

01:13:12.000 Or Ritalin, excuse me.

01:13:14.000 Ritalin.

01:13:15.000 They put him on Ritalin, which is speed, when he was really young, like five.

01:13:19.000 And so he would talk about how he'd go to school just white-knuckling until the Ritalin wear off.

01:13:25.000 And the Ritalin would wear off like at the end of the day.

01:13:28.000 He would finally calm down.

01:13:29.000 So his whole life he was just like jacked up on speed.

01:13:34.000 Like his development cycle was kind of like impaired by being jacked up on speed.

01:13:38.000 In my opinion, the way he describes it, I don't understand how...

01:13:41.000 I don't know.

01:13:41.000 There's not a rational argument to me.

01:13:44.000 That it wouldn't have any significant impact on his life, being on speed all throughout his childhood years.

01:13:50.000 Until he discovered exercise.

01:13:51.000 Started exercising in high school and then he slowly got off the Ritalin and all that stuff.

01:13:55.000 But so he's developmentally, like, that was challenged in a lot of ways.

01:13:59.000 But he's a fascinating guy, man.

01:14:01.000 He just picks a spot on a map like Bali.

01:14:04.000 Okay, let's go see Bali.

01:14:05.000 Hedy Rollins.

01:14:06.000 Yep, by himself.

01:14:07.000 He just goes there, brings a laptop so he can write, brings cameras so he can take pictures, and just writes.

01:14:11.000 Yeah.

01:14:12.000 And just does that and travels all over the world.

01:14:14.000 Just goes to all these different places.

01:14:15.000 He goes and hangs out with Bedouins in the desert.

01:14:18.000 He goes and listens to weird, crazy music these people are making and it's weird cultures.

01:14:22.000 He just shows up in Africa, shows up in all these different places, just goes there, flies in.

01:14:27.000 So Ari has a podcast and I think Ari was so compelled by the idea of just completely just picking a spot and going.

01:14:34.000 That Ari decided for his own, because Ari's like super cognizant about after he does a special, like how he needs more material.

01:14:41.000 So what he does is he filmed a special, filmed it, edited it, and then disappeared.

01:14:45.000 Then just vanished for like three months.

01:14:48.000 As of right now, three months.

01:14:49.000 And what's your theory on where he is?

01:14:51.000 I don't have one.

01:14:53.000 I'm going to wait.

01:14:53.000 I'm going to wait until he comes back, and then I'm going to talk to him, see what's up.

01:14:56.000 And he might not even want to talk about it.

01:14:58.000 You know, I mean, Ari's such an interesting guy.

01:15:01.000 He might just decide, eh, had a good time.

01:15:04.000 Yeah, I don't want to talk about it.

01:15:05.000 And I'd be like, alright.

01:15:07.000 And maybe he'll decide that the great experiences would best be reserved for the stage.

01:15:12.000 He might have cultivated some really good experiences he wants to only get about on stage.

01:15:17.000 He's a weird guy, but in the best way.

01:15:20.000 In the best way.

01:15:21.000 I mean, there's a sense of fairness about him also.

01:15:24.000 I remember, because I did his show last season, and we did a rehearsal for it at the comedy store in the belly room.

01:15:29.000 And all of a sudden, I get this fucking nice check.

01:15:33.000 And it's like, oh no, Ari wanted all you guys to split this money.

01:15:37.000 And then I did another show from somewhere else, and it was like, I mean, it's like, you do the same thing, but he does it to a point where it's like, he's very aware of being as fair as possible all the time.

01:15:49.000 Like, when we did his TV show, he gave us all a gift.

01:15:53.000 I won't say what it was, but it was illegal.

01:15:57.000 Ha ha!

01:15:57.000 And every single person...

01:15:59.000 And it was expensive.

01:16:00.000 And every single person got this gift.

01:16:02.000 Like, he's very thoughtful about that kind of shit.

01:16:05.000 Yeah.

01:16:06.000 He's just an awesome guy.

01:16:08.000 When I met him, he was an open-miker.

01:16:10.000 Yeah.

01:16:10.000 Like, a raw open-miker.

01:16:11.000 Just started.

01:16:12.000 Right.

01:16:12.000 Young guy.

01:16:13.000 Just got to the store.

01:16:14.000 Working as a doorman.

01:16:16.000 And then, uh, one day, I was supposed to take Mike Young with me.

01:16:19.000 And, uh, Mike Young was doing a road with me a little bit.

01:16:22.000 And Mike Young couldn't make it.

01:16:24.000 So, uh...

01:16:26.000 I took Ari, and he had never really been paid before.

01:16:29.000 You know, never really done, like...

01:16:31.000 I think he'd gone out with Pauly, done some shows with Pauly, but I don't know.

01:16:35.000 Like, he never...

01:16:36.000 I think I brought him to the Comedy Works in Denver.

01:16:39.000 He crushed.

01:16:40.000 And while he was on stage crushing, I hold the phone up for Mike Young.

01:16:43.000 I go, you fucked up, Mike!

01:16:45.000 I go, listen!

01:16:46.000 And Ari was on stage killing.

01:16:48.000 He's like, no, no, no, and I hung up on him.

01:16:50.000 Ha!

01:16:51.000 Ha!

01:16:52.000 Ha!

01:16:53.000 You fucked up.

01:16:54.000 Ari's funny.

01:16:55.000 Ari's my new guy.

01:16:57.000 It was just cool knowing him, too, as an open-miker.

01:17:01.000 Knowing him as a guy who just started out and now seeing him as a guy with a television show, a successful podcast, but even more important, a truly independent thinker.

01:17:11.000 Yeah.

01:17:11.000 He really is independent.

01:17:12.000 He thinks his own way.

01:17:14.000 He doesn't let anybody influence...

01:17:18.000 I mean, he'll take suggestions.

01:17:20.000 He'll talk to people.

01:17:20.000 He's reasonable.

01:17:21.000 But he has an idea of what he wants to do with his life, and he's just doing it.

01:17:25.000 He's just a fucking super smart dude.

01:17:27.000 Yeah.

01:17:28.000 Oh, I thought he was in New York.

01:17:29.000 I was bummed because I'm going to be in New York for the summer.

01:17:31.000 He might be.

01:17:32.000 He might be by now.

01:17:33.000 Yeah.

01:17:34.000 I think when he re-emerges, he may end up in New York.

01:17:36.000 I get this feeling.

01:17:37.000 I'm sure one day I'll just get a, what's up, faggot?

01:17:39.000 Text out of nowhere.

01:17:41.000 And I'm like, oh, he's back.

01:17:42.000 Yeah.

01:17:43.000 God, that's weird.

01:17:44.000 I had no idea it was that long.

01:17:45.000 I heard he was away, but I don't know.

01:17:46.000 It was three months.

01:17:47.000 Yeah.

01:17:48.000 He's freaking everybody out.

01:17:49.000 Fuck.

01:17:49.000 Duncan's like, dude, what do I do?

01:17:51.000 I don't know where he is.

01:17:52.000 Like, Duncan's staying in his apartment in New York.

01:17:54.000 Oh, he is?

01:17:55.000 He's like, man, he was supposed to be back a month ago.

01:17:57.000 What do I do?

01:17:58.000 I don't know, man.

01:17:59.000 I just gotta accept it.

01:18:01.000 Hopefully he's not dead.

01:18:03.000 So is Duncan going to stay in New York when Ari gets back?

01:18:05.000 I believe so.

01:18:06.000 I believe Duncan likes it there.

01:18:07.000 Good.

01:18:08.000 He's been doing a lot of stand-up there.

01:18:09.000 He's been traveling, doing all the- I'm shooting this crashing show from May until August in New York.

01:18:16.000 In New York?

01:18:16.000 Yeah.

01:18:16.000 So I got to be in Brooklyn the first month because it's a writing month.

01:18:22.000 We got offices out there and then three months we'll be shooting all around the city and wherever.

01:18:27.000 So if anybody has an apartment for me in New York, June, July, and August, I'll fucking take it.

01:18:31.000 Can I announce a couple dates?

01:18:33.000 Yeah.

01:18:33.000 Dude, you're like an old school radio guy.

01:18:36.000 Coming up, folks!

01:18:38.000 We've got some plugs.

01:18:38.000 We're going to be at the Philadelphia Helium, April 27th.

01:18:45.000 That's a good club, right?

01:18:46.000 One of the best clubs ever.

01:18:47.000 27 through 29. And then here's one that I think you like just as much, if not more.

01:18:52.000 Denver Comedy Works, May 4th through the 6th.

01:18:55.000 That might be number one.

01:18:56.000 If it's not number one, it's right up there with the Ice House.

01:18:58.000 How fucking happy am I right now?

01:19:00.000 Oh, that's a good gig.

01:19:01.000 You got two good fucking bangers in a row there, fella.

01:19:03.000 And then Mohegan Sun in Connecticut, May 11th through the 13th.

01:19:06.000 Don't do that.

01:19:07.000 Don't turn your thumb down either.

01:19:09.000 Just don't do it.

01:19:11.000 People from Connecticut get so mad.

01:19:14.000 Brooklyn, The Bell House, June 3rd.

01:19:16.000 You ever play The Bell House in Brooklyn?

01:19:17.000 No.

01:19:17.000 Good spot?

01:19:18.000 Yeah, it's supposed to be great.

01:19:19.000 That's it.

01:19:20.000 I haven't played Brooklyn in forever.

01:19:22.000 You should get there, man.

01:19:24.000 I used to do...

01:19:25.000 There was a comedy club in Brooklyn back in the day.

01:19:28.000 There was a comedy club in Bensonhurst.

01:19:30.000 Oh, right!

01:19:31.000 Yeah!

01:19:32.000 What the fuck was that?

01:19:33.000 Wasn't it next to a gym?

01:19:35.000 Like a big meathead gym?

01:19:38.000 Probably.

01:19:38.000 I think it was.

01:19:39.000 Remember the one in, um, the one that Dice started out?

01:19:44.000 Pips.

01:19:44.000 Mr. Pips?

01:19:45.000 Yeah, Pips in Brooklyn.

01:19:46.000 I think it was just Pips.

01:19:47.000 Mr. Pip is the drink, right?

01:19:49.000 Right.

01:19:49.000 Yeah.

01:19:50.000 Pips in Brooklyn.

01:19:51.000 Yeah, that's Joey Cola told me he was on stage there, and a guy showed him his gun.

01:19:56.000 Said he's on stage.

01:19:57.000 The guy's heckling him.

01:19:58.000 And he's like a mob guy.

01:20:00.000 And the guy's just looking at him going, fuck you.

01:20:02.000 Fuck you.

01:20:04.000 And Joey's like, hey, what's your fucking problem?

01:20:05.000 And the guy pulls his jack aside and shows him a gun.

01:20:08.000 Yeah.

01:20:09.000 He's like, oh, Jesus.

01:20:10.000 Wow.

01:20:11.000 And the club wouldn't do nothing.

01:20:12.000 Just had to tell your jokes.

01:20:15.000 Good night, everybody.

01:20:20.000 Damn.

01:20:22.000 That's a...

01:20:23.000 That's a distracted second half of your set.

01:20:26.000 You're not thinking about much else except that gun.

01:20:28.000 You're getting through it.

01:20:29.000 That's all you're doing.

01:20:30.000 You ain't getting any laughs.

01:20:31.000 That guy just decided to fuck your life up, and he might kill you.

01:20:34.000 Yeah.

01:20:34.000 There's a lot of those guys.

01:20:35.000 Did you ever read Murder Machine?

01:20:37.000 No.

01:20:37.000 Murder Machine is about Roy DeMeo, who is a famous hitman, murderer, capo fucking character in the mob.

01:20:46.000 People who are like mob historians are probably mad at me right now.

01:20:48.000 But it's a book that Joey Diaz gave me.

01:20:51.000 And it's, you can't put it down.

01:20:53.000 Start reading it, you can't put it down.

01:20:54.000 It's all about how horrific this fucking guy was and how many people he killed.

01:20:58.000 It's like the Iceman Cometh?

01:21:00.000 Something like that, but he worked, he was a mob guy himself.

01:21:02.000 Oh, right.

01:21:03.000 And they had a bar that was downstairs and above the bar they had an apartment and they would kill people in the apartment and cut them up in the tub and they killed hundreds of people.

01:21:11.000 No shit.

01:21:12.000 He just killed people for fun.

01:21:14.000 Wow.

01:21:15.000 He was killing people left and right.

01:21:16.000 It started out, he was killing people, like, you know, mobbed things and, you know, someone owed money or something, and then he just was killing people.

01:21:22.000 Just on the weekends, unwind.

01:21:24.000 Didn't trust people, started killing them.

01:21:25.000 Yeah.

01:21:26.000 I don't like the way you're looking at me, dead.

01:21:28.000 Fuck.

01:21:28.000 Just killing people.

01:21:29.000 It's a crazy book, man.

01:21:30.000 It's a crazy book.

01:21:31.000 Did he go to jail?

01:21:34.000 I don't remember.

01:21:36.000 That's a good question.

01:21:37.000 See what happened with Roy DeMeo.

01:21:39.000 Murder Machine was the name of the book.

01:21:42.000 Joey Diaz is like, dog, you gotta fucking read this.

01:21:45.000 You gotta read this.

01:21:46.000 I couldn't put it down.

01:21:47.000 I couldn't put it down.

01:21:49.000 Un-fucking-believable.

01:21:51.000 And it's just some fucking complete psychopath and a group of other psychopaths.

01:21:56.000 Why is it we can't stop?

01:21:57.000 Like, you know, Karen Kilgariff has that podcast, My Favorite Murder.

01:22:02.000 Is that all about murders?

01:22:04.000 Every week they talk about a different...

01:22:06.000 The gruesome murder that took place.

01:22:09.000 It's really good.

01:22:10.000 But what is it about us that, like, I love the Iceman Cometh, and there was another one that was about a serial killer.

01:22:18.000 I mean, just earlier, talking about the Angel of Death guy.

01:22:20.000 Like, what is it about us that is so interested in people that take human life?

01:22:25.000 Do you think that it's like a part of us that it's an unexpressed thing?

01:22:29.000 Like, if we were cavemen, we would kill.

01:22:34.000 I think there's a lot of energy attached to it, meaning negative energy, but still energy.

01:22:39.000 You can't look away.

01:22:40.000 It's the same reason why you watch car accidents or you watch YouTube videos about someone doing a stunt that goes wrong and they accidentally drive off a bridge.

01:22:49.000 I don't know if you've ever seen the one.

01:22:51.000 The guy in the wingsuit tries to buzz a bridge and he calculates it wrong.

01:22:55.000 He slams into the bridge and it sounds like a fucking car accident.

01:22:58.000 He slams into the bridge going like, who knows, 150 miles an hour or something crazy like that.

01:23:03.000 It's horrific.

01:23:04.000 And then he just falls straight down in the water?

01:23:06.000 Yeah.

01:23:07.000 I mean, he hit the bridge so hard.

01:23:09.000 He might have just...

01:23:10.000 I mean, if he didn't have the suit on...

01:23:12.000 He might have just exploded into like a ball of jello or something, you know?

01:23:15.000 But because he had the suit on, it kind of kept all the blood and body parts in place.

01:23:20.000 Yeah.

01:23:20.000 He hit it so hard, dude.

01:23:22.000 I mean, it literally sounded like a car accident.

01:23:24.000 Because he's slamming into the metal of the bridge at a hundred fucking whatever miles an hour.

01:23:29.000 Yeah.

01:23:29.000 With nothing on but a helmet.

01:23:31.000 Do you regret having seen that?

01:23:32.000 Like, is that in your mind?

01:23:33.000 Well, no.

01:23:36.000 No, it's not pleasant.

01:23:38.000 But there's something about those things.

01:23:40.000 It's like there's an energy attached to it.

01:23:42.000 Oh, Jesus.

01:23:43.000 Oh, Jesus.

01:23:43.000 Boom!

01:23:44.000 Fuck!

01:23:45.000 Right.

01:23:46.000 There's a great Twitter page called Hold My Beer.

01:23:52.000 And it's all like, hold my beer while I light this firework off in my mouth.

01:23:57.000 Hold my beer while I go and pet this tiger.

01:24:02.000 One fucking horrific disaster after another.

01:24:06.000 We're just like, what the fuck, man?

01:24:09.000 Yeah, like this one.

01:24:13.000 Oh!

01:24:16.000 Yeah.

01:24:17.000 Watch this one.

01:24:18.000 Hold my beer while I become a rocket turret.

01:24:21.000 Watch this guy.

01:24:22.000 He's got a firebomb in his face.

01:24:24.000 Just fucking...

01:24:25.000 Oh, shit!

01:24:26.000 Just cooks his face.

01:24:29.000 This one is ridiculous.

01:24:30.000 Hold my beer while I grab that glass musical chair.

01:24:35.000 Look at this.

01:24:39.000 Ha ha [...

01:24:49.000 Of course, it was a girl.

01:24:49.000 A girl just took that dude out.

01:24:51.000 That's fucking great.

01:24:52.000 Watch this one.

01:24:53.000 Hold our beers while we go skateboarding down this hill.

01:24:55.000 This one's fucking horrific.

01:24:56.000 These guys come down the hill, and they just have no way to stop their skateboarding.

01:25:00.000 Yeah, it's a little thin lane.

01:25:02.000 You can't even cut back.

01:25:04.000 Watch this, dude.

01:25:07.000 Boom!

01:25:08.000 Son.

01:25:10.000 Not good.

01:25:11.000 Okay.

01:25:13.000 That's like America's Funniest Home Videos for grown-ups.

01:25:15.000 Exactly.

01:25:16.000 But I never got into watching the Faces of Death and shit like that.

01:25:19.000 Although a lot of those I think were fake.

01:25:21.000 But there are obviously beheadings.

01:25:23.000 Have you ever watched a beheading?

01:25:24.000 Yeah.

01:25:24.000 You have?

01:25:25.000 Not good.

01:25:25.000 Yeah.

01:25:26.000 You regret it?

01:25:27.000 Yeah.

01:25:28.000 But why do people watch them?

01:25:30.000 Again, it's because there's energy attached to it.

01:25:31.000 You know there's a consequence of what's happening.

01:25:33.000 You're watching something.

01:25:34.000 Even if the consequence doesn't really manifest itself, like watching people do bouncing acts on the top of skyscrapers, even if you know they survived, which is how you got the footage in the first place, it still freaks you the fuck out.

01:25:45.000 Yeah.

01:25:45.000 I can't stop.

01:25:47.000 You know Kelly Slater, the surfer?

01:25:50.000 Yeah.

01:25:50.000 He sends me those.

01:25:51.000 He knows they freak me out.

01:25:52.000 So we send each other back and forth fucked up videos about dudes doing balancing acts on the side of buildings.

01:25:58.000 I'm like, what the fuck?

01:25:59.000 I can't watch those, man.

01:26:01.000 My hands start sweating.

01:26:02.000 My asshole starts squeezing.

01:26:04.000 I just go, what the fuck are you doing?

01:26:07.000 Yeah, there's a lot of that shit in Russia.

01:26:08.000 Dudes hanging off the sides of buildings by their fingertips.

01:26:11.000 You ever see those?

01:26:12.000 Yes.

01:26:13.000 Dude, they're doing like hanging with one arm.

01:26:15.000 You know how hard it is to fucking hang from one arm?

01:26:17.000 Yeah.

01:26:17.000 And to hang from one arm when you're 700 feet in the air or something crazy?

01:26:21.000 It just makes you think how little human life means in Russia.

01:26:24.000 Those dudes will kill at the drop of a hat.

01:26:27.000 Is that Alex?

01:26:29.000 Yeah.

01:26:29.000 Oh, that's Alex Honnold.

01:26:30.000 He's been on the podcast before.

01:26:32.000 He's insane.

01:26:33.000 He is so crazy.

01:26:35.000 Wow.

01:26:35.000 He frees solos, which means...

01:26:37.000 Look, my hands are...

01:26:38.000 Feel my hands.

01:26:39.000 Yeah, so are mine.

01:26:40.000 Sweat.

01:26:40.000 Feel mine.

01:26:41.000 Oh, yeah.

01:26:42.000 Sweaty.

01:26:43.000 Go back to Alex though, because these guys are fucking crazy.

01:26:47.000 Alex is like the number one free solo guy in the world, or at least one of the number one guys.

01:26:52.000 And what that means is he doesn't use ropes.

01:26:55.000 Yeah.

01:26:55.000 So he'll map out a climb.

01:26:58.000 Sometimes he'll map it out.

01:27:00.000 Sometimes there's just a path that you can take.

01:27:02.000 And sometimes he'll map it out with ropes.

01:27:04.000 But he's like, you know, honestly, even while I'm doing it with the ropes, I don't really need the ropes.

01:27:08.000 I'm like, what the fuck?

01:27:09.000 And so he does this and he freaks people out.

01:27:13.000 And he freaks out even experienced climbers.

01:27:15.000 There was a documentary they did about him where this guy was like an experienced climber.

01:27:19.000 It was like, it's not if he's going to die.

01:27:21.000 It's a matter of when he's going to die.

01:27:23.000 Right, right.

01:27:24.000 And that's probably a helicopter taking his picture.

01:27:27.000 Or a drone.

01:27:28.000 Yeah.

01:27:28.000 Right, a drone.

01:27:29.000 Fucking A, man.

01:27:31.000 If it's a helicopter, it'd probably be too dangerous.

01:27:33.000 The breeze from the helicopter would be super dangerous.

01:27:36.000 I used to do shit like that.

01:27:37.000 I got a picture of me hanging off my friend's fourth floor balcony by my knees.

01:27:40.000 I used to do that shit all the time.

01:27:42.000 Yeah.

01:27:43.000 It's in my book.

01:27:44.000 I got the picture in my book.

01:27:45.000 Jesus Christ, dude.

01:27:47.000 Yeah, I used to like to freak people out.

01:27:49.000 Oh my God.

01:27:51.000 This Alex Honnold dude, sometimes he climbs things that aren't even straight up and down.

01:27:56.000 They bend backwards, like they're at a certain degree facing forward.

01:28:00.000 Who's this girl?

01:28:01.000 Oh, I've seen this.

01:28:03.000 She's hot as fuck.

01:28:04.000 This is the whole video where they went up to it.

01:28:06.000 This girl grabbed a guy's hand and he held her over the edge.

01:28:10.000 Yeah, that girl was so crazy to trust that guy.

01:28:14.000 He can fuck her forever, by the way.

01:28:16.000 Forever.

01:28:17.000 Forever.

01:28:17.000 He owns it.

01:28:22.000 That's so insane.

01:28:25.000 Freaks me the fuck out, but I don't stop.

01:28:28.000 I can't watch this.

01:28:29.000 Stop it.

01:28:29.000 Stop what you're doing.

01:28:30.000 Freaking me out.

01:28:31.000 I can't do this and still talk because I can't I can't talk and then do that I watch those things I might have a massive physical effect on me.

01:28:38.000 Yeah, but Alex anyway, he climbed stuff that's facing forward So he's literally hanging straight up and down Wedging his hands into these cracks and like moving along and he's got to like reach in for the powder and powder the thing he was on the podcast he told me the story about how he was climbing once and And he realized when he was halfway up this mountain that he forgot his powder.

01:28:58.000 Oh.

01:29:01.000 So he gets to these fucking people.

01:29:02.000 They're also climbing.

01:29:04.000 And they're on ropes.

01:29:04.000 And he goes, hey man, can I borrow your powder?

01:29:07.000 And the guy's like, okay.

01:29:08.000 And the guy gives him his powder bag.

01:29:10.000 And then when he got to the top, he left the powder bag for the dude.

01:29:13.000 Yeah.

01:29:16.000 It's insane.

01:29:17.000 He's insane.

01:29:18.000 He's climbing.

01:29:18.000 He's like, what did I forget?

01:29:20.000 I got my fingers.

01:29:21.000 That's all I need.

01:29:21.000 Oh, the powder.

01:29:23.000 Shit.

01:29:23.000 What do you call that thing that the guy died under the bridge?

01:29:26.000 A bat suit?

01:29:27.000 A wing suit.

01:29:28.000 A wing suit.

01:29:29.000 There was a whole thing on, I don't know if it was HBO Sports or 60 Minutes about the people that do that.

01:29:34.000 My friend Andy does it.

01:29:35.000 Oh, really?

01:29:35.000 My friend Andy's a world record holder.

01:29:37.000 But the mortality rate is extremely high.

01:29:40.000 It's like 10%.

01:29:41.000 He took two guys off the mountain last year that died doing it.

01:29:45.000 Yeah.

01:29:45.000 Yeah, he's a maniac, but he's got the longest distance ever that someone's ever done in one of those fucking wingsuits.

01:29:51.000 Yeah.

01:29:51.000 How far did he go?

01:29:52.000 Something saying, like 30 miles or something?

01:29:56.000 Yeah, and they like to glide along the sides of cliffs and shit.

01:30:00.000 18 miles.

01:30:01.000 18 miles?

01:30:02.000 18 miles.

01:30:03.000 Damn.

01:30:04.000 With no break.

01:30:05.000 All you can do is catch a gust of wind and you're fucking toast.

01:30:09.000 Oh, yeah.

01:30:09.000 Yeah.

01:30:10.000 Yeah.

01:30:11.000 Or you're toast.

01:30:12.000 Go full screen on this bitch.

01:30:13.000 This is so insane.

01:30:14.000 Look how fucking high he is.

01:30:15.000 Oh, he jumped out of a helicopter.

01:30:17.000 I don't think that's a helicopter.

01:30:19.000 I think that's a plane.

01:30:20.000 Oh.

01:30:21.000 Isn't it?

01:30:21.000 Yeah, that's a plane.

01:30:23.000 I think a helicopter would be a harder thing to jump out of, I'm just guessing, because the way the wind is pressing downward.

01:30:30.000 Yeah.

01:30:30.000 Does that make sense?

01:30:31.000 I don't know.

01:30:32.000 I don't know shit about what would happen.

01:30:33.000 Yeah, there it is, a plane.

01:30:35.000 Yeah.

01:30:35.000 So he gets up there.

01:30:37.000 And he does this all the fucking time.

01:30:39.000 He'll send me pictures because he knows it freaks me out.

01:30:41.000 He'll send me pictures of him jumping off some fucking mountain in Guatemala or something.

01:30:45.000 Like, look at that.

01:30:46.000 This is so insane.

01:30:49.000 He's going 163 miles an hour.

01:30:51.000 Like, what?

01:30:53.000 What?

01:30:54.000 Wow.

01:30:56.000 Dude, this is how we're going to be dropping our troops into the next battle.

01:31:00.000 No, not too many people would be willing to do it.

01:31:02.000 Well, not willing, rather.

01:31:04.000 Capable.

01:31:04.000 I think you would...

01:31:05.000 You've got to be a special person to be able to pull off a fucking flying squirrel suit.

01:31:10.000 Yeah.

01:31:11.000 I mean...

01:31:11.000 You ever jump out of a plane?

01:31:13.000 No!

01:31:14.000 You don't want to do it?

01:31:14.000 Fuck that!

01:31:15.000 I'd do it.

01:31:16.000 You should do it then.

01:31:18.000 Just don't tease me.

01:31:19.000 Jumping off the mountain is way crazier when they're just skimming it instead of jumping out of a plane where you're...

01:31:24.000 Yeah, no, this guy's parachuting.

01:31:26.000 That's cool, but that's not like these guys on 60 Minutes.

01:31:29.000 They were skimming the sides of cliffs.

01:31:31.000 He does it too.

01:31:32.000 He does that same shit too.

01:31:33.000 Oh, he does that too.

01:31:34.000 He does the whole thing.

01:31:35.000 This is just the world record.

01:31:36.000 This is the furthest distance ever.

01:31:38.000 Fuck all that, man.

01:31:40.000 18 miles.

01:31:43.000 He took my friend Cam up.

01:31:45.000 Cam went skydive the other day.

01:31:47.000 Yeah.

01:31:48.000 Yeah?

01:31:49.000 Yeah.

01:31:51.000 No.

01:31:52.000 I mean, I don't like free-falling.

01:31:54.000 I know I don't like that feeling like I've been on bungee cords, and it's pure fucking torture.

01:31:58.000 Yeah.

01:31:58.000 When your stomach drops out on you?

01:32:00.000 Yeah.

01:32:00.000 That doesn't feel good.

01:32:01.000 No, that's not good.

01:32:02.000 But I think it equalizes when you jump out of a plane, doesn't it?

01:32:04.000 I don't know.

01:32:05.000 But I know that Brian, Brian Redband, his dad used to work with this lady, and the girl was always like, hey, why don't you go skydiving with us?

01:32:14.000 Yeah.

01:32:14.000 He's like, yeah, I will.

01:32:15.000 One day, one day.

01:32:16.000 Then one day he gets there on Monday.

01:32:19.000 You know, where's so-and-so?

01:32:22.000 You didn't hear her?

01:32:23.000 She died skydiving.

01:32:26.000 Really?

01:32:26.000 Shhh!

01:32:27.000 Boom!

01:32:29.000 Shoot didn't open up.

01:32:30.000 Backup shoot didn't open up.

01:32:31.000 Here comes the ground.

01:32:32.000 160 miles an hour.

01:32:33.000 Boom!

01:32:37.000 We're good to go.

01:32:58.000 I don't even like roller coasters anymore.

01:33:00.000 I did a roller coaster two years ago in Florida, Busch Gardens.

01:33:04.000 If you're into roller coasters, Disney and Universal, they've got a couple that are good, but Busch Gardens is like the redneck paradise.

01:33:13.000 It's like the guys, the fucking carnies.

01:33:16.000 They run these ancient roller coasters that are insane, like the twisting corkscrews, but there's like 10 of them.

01:33:24.000 And you can ride every one of them three times in a day.

01:33:29.000 Fuck Orlando.

01:33:30.000 Drive down to Tampa.

01:33:31.000 Go to Busch Gardens.

01:33:32.000 But I went and it fucked up my neck.

01:33:35.000 To this day, I have a bad neck from spinning around on those fucking roller coasters.

01:33:40.000 Jesus Christ.

01:33:41.000 I already had a bad neck, but it tweaked it in a way that I've never come back from.

01:33:46.000 Yeah.

01:33:46.000 Well, the inertia when you're on those things, have you ever done the, what is the one, there's a crazy one at six flags, like the X something or another, where you go upside down and back and forth, you're in a harness, they strap you into this thing, and you flip up and down,

01:34:02.000 you spin around, and you're going on a roller coaster.

01:34:04.000 So you're on a roller coaster and you're spinning around in circles, and you get off that thing like, what the fuck is wrong with me?

01:34:11.000 Like, I'm getting nauseous just thinking about it.

01:34:13.000 I know.

01:34:14.000 My son and his friends are into that shit.

01:34:15.000 When you're 16, it's fucking perfect.

01:34:17.000 Yeah, they want to make something happen.

01:34:19.000 Yeah.

01:34:19.000 When you're 16, you want something to take place.

01:34:21.000 Yeah.

01:34:21.000 Come on.

01:34:23.000 Let's go.

01:34:24.000 I want something to happen here.

01:34:25.000 That's why I had sex so much when I was young is I just wanted something to do.

01:34:30.000 It was a goal that you could achieve and then you could go back and tell your friends about it.

01:34:36.000 You had a story.

01:34:37.000 Yeah.

01:34:38.000 I didn't care about the girls.

01:34:39.000 I hate to say that.

01:34:40.000 I really didn't care about the girls.

01:34:42.000 I didn't have a girlfriend until I was in college.

01:34:44.000 I didn't even think about having a girlfriend.

01:34:46.000 When you first started having sex, did you not want to do anything else?

01:34:50.000 All I wanted to do was masturbate and have sex.

01:34:53.000 I used to have a joke about it when my dad was like, what happened to baseball?

01:34:56.000 I'm like, oh, I found this new thing.

01:34:59.000 I like it.

01:35:00.000 I like it better.

01:35:02.000 The fuck out of here hitting that stupid ball with a stick.

01:35:05.000 Hitting a ball.

01:35:05.000 What are you...

01:35:06.000 There's no chicks out there?

01:35:07.000 There's no girls that come to baseball games?

01:35:09.000 When I got off school...

01:35:11.000 All of a sudden you're dressed in fucking Jordache jeans and you're flaring your hair back.

01:35:15.000 What happened to baseball?

01:35:16.000 I found pussy.

01:35:18.000 Yeah.

01:35:19.000 Yeah.

01:35:20.000 Like the first like steady, like all the time sex that I got, I think I was either 16 or 17. And I had a girlfriend who was a year younger than me.

01:35:30.000 And you know why I was nervous about it?

01:35:31.000 Because when I turned 18, people were telling me that I could get arrested.

01:35:35.000 That's right.

01:35:35.000 Because she was only 17. Like you get arrested for statutory rape.

01:35:39.000 And I was like, what?

01:35:41.000 But we dated before when it was okay.

01:35:44.000 But it doesn't matter.

01:35:45.000 You have to stop.

01:35:46.000 I was like, oh my god.

01:35:47.000 And I was terrified.

01:35:48.000 I thought I was going to go to jail.

01:35:49.000 Mm-hmm.

01:35:51.000 That's crazy.

01:35:51.000 That means when you're 18, you have to only bang someone your age or older.

01:35:55.000 Well, I'll take it a step further.

01:35:56.000 I've been talking about this in my act of, like, how I still jerk off to, like, I'll think about girls from high school that I went to high school with, and I'll jerk off to them.

01:36:04.000 Oh, no.

01:36:05.000 And then I got the yearbook, and I looked up this one girl, Jill, I won't say her last name, and I was jerking off to her picture, and then I was like, I think this is wrong.

01:36:13.000 But then I thought, no, because I used to jerk off to her before I was an adult, so maybe I'm grandfathered in.

01:36:20.000 I would say you are.

01:36:21.000 I'm grandfathered in, right?

01:36:22.000 Yeah.

01:36:22.000 If you start jerking off to one of your kids' 17-year-old friends, that's fucked up.

01:36:28.000 That's fucked up.

01:36:28.000 That's a felony.

01:36:30.000 No.

01:36:30.000 If you get pictures, if I look at a yearbook, like, say I find a 2016 yearbook.

01:36:37.000 Right.

01:36:38.000 From Hollywood High School.

01:36:39.000 Okay.

01:36:39.000 I find it at a flea market and I take it home and I'm jerking off to girls that are 14, 15, 16 years old.

01:36:45.000 Is that not kiddie porn?

01:36:46.000 No, because there's no pornography.

01:36:48.000 It's 100% up to your imagination.

01:36:51.000 It's like if you see a girl...

01:36:52.000 Have you seen those varsity field hockey skirts?

01:36:54.000 No, I'm not into that.

01:36:55.000 But if you see a girl walking down the street and you think she's on the edge, like 17 or 18, you don't know.

01:37:01.000 Like, I don't even know.

01:37:02.000 I'm just gonna say she's 19 and just, you know, I'm just guessing.

01:37:07.000 And then you go beat off.

01:37:08.000 Are you any worse than if you knew she was 17?

01:37:11.000 If you see her, she's got a big fat ass and big juicy young titties and she's walking down the street like, oh my god, I can't believe she's only 17. And then you go home and jerk off to her.

01:37:20.000 That's different, right?

01:37:22.000 Knowing.

01:37:23.000 Knowing makes it creepy.

01:37:25.000 Yes.

01:37:25.000 Yes, because you're jerking off to the age as well as the image.

01:37:29.000 If you're just jerking off to the image, you're fine.

01:37:31.000 Yeah, if you just see the girl walking down the street and she's like, God, I don't know.

01:37:35.000 What do you think?

01:37:35.000 Is it legal?

01:37:36.000 It's like, if you're going to shoot a moose, they have to be 52 inches in Alaska, which means...

01:37:42.000 Which means the antlers have to have either a certain amount of brow tines or they have to be a certain distance apart from each other.

01:37:49.000 Meaning they want the hunters only to hunt mature animals that have already bred.

01:37:54.000 That's the idea of the conservation aspect of it to keep the breeding population strong.

01:37:58.000 So when you're ready to shoot an animal, especially if you're using a rifle, you have to be really sure.

01:38:04.000 You have to like, boy, I don't know.

01:38:05.000 I don't know.

01:38:05.000 He's coming.

01:38:06.000 I don't know if he's legal.

01:38:08.000 Let's back out.

01:38:09.000 Let's back out.

01:38:10.000 And it happens all the time where guys are like, fuck!

01:38:12.000 And then, you know, it turns out it was legal.

01:38:14.000 Or if it wasn't legal, that's a good thing they didn't shoot it.

01:38:16.000 Because even though it's an arbitrary thing, or a weird thing, like trying to decipher whether or not something is 50 plus inches from 200 yards away.

01:38:25.000 Like you're just kind of guessing in a lot of ways.

01:38:28.000 It's really important because if you fuck up and you shoot one that's young, you're in deep shit.

01:38:32.000 Really?

01:38:33.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:38:33.000 So you could just make a mistake and shoot a bull that's 45 inches.

01:38:37.000 You're fucked.

01:38:38.000 You'll lose your license.

01:38:39.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:38:40.000 You're gonna have to pay a fine.

01:38:41.000 You lose the animal.

01:38:42.000 You won't be able to take the animal home.

01:38:44.000 And they check.

01:38:45.000 Yeah, they'll check.

01:38:45.000 Yeah.

01:38:46.000 And all the meat that you got from that animal, you're fucked.

01:38:48.000 Unless you poach it, unless you decide to not tell anybody, which people do do.

01:38:52.000 They especially do if they realize they fucked up.

01:38:54.000 Either they fuck up on purpose or they got delusional with themselves and they shoot something that's smaller than it should be.

01:38:59.000 You're in big trouble, though, when you do.

01:39:01.000 Depending on the state.

01:39:02.000 Every state has different regulations.

01:39:04.000 But that's kind of the same thing with this 18-year-old girl.

01:39:06.000 Because some girls are 19 and they look like they're 15. Some girls are in their 20s and they look like they're 15. Is that wrong?

01:39:11.000 Well, it is weird when you see girls in porn with pigtails.

01:39:14.000 Yeah.

01:39:14.000 And they pretend to be just coming home from school and some guy pulls their pants on and fucks them and comes in their mouth and it's like, what am I watching here?

01:39:22.000 And they act like children?

01:39:23.000 They act like kids.

01:39:24.000 They act like young girls.

01:39:25.000 Yeah.

01:39:26.000 Yeah.

01:39:28.000 But you know that's a woman playing a role.

01:39:31.000 She's over 18. She's a fully committed adult person.

01:39:36.000 But there's some girls that are like 14 and they look like they're 18. Yeah.

01:39:41.000 Especially when you're across the street.

01:39:43.000 You're not close to them.

01:39:44.000 You don't like catch subtle cues that you're dealing with a child.

01:39:47.000 Right.

01:39:48.000 You know, there's like weird, like a lot of girls in particular are full grown by the time they're like 15. Mm-hmm.

01:39:54.000 You know, like that's as tall as they're ever going to get.

01:39:56.000 Mm-hmm.

01:39:56.000 Whereas boys keep growing a little bit longer.

01:39:58.000 I grew in college.

01:39:59.000 Yeah, they say girls after they have their period stop growing.

01:40:02.000 That makes sense.

01:40:02.000 And stop being pleasant.

01:40:04.000 Bye!

01:40:05.000 You know.

01:40:05.000 Bye!

01:40:07.000 You know, if I'm at the beach and I see a girl and she's...

01:40:16.000 With a girl that I can tell is under 18, but she doesn't look under 18, I won't look at her just out of fear that she must be under 18. Because you don't want to put her in the spank bank?

01:40:28.000 She's got to stay out of the spank bank.

01:40:30.000 Yeah.

01:40:31.000 I put a yellow tag on her.

01:40:32.000 You're very ethical.

01:40:33.000 Well, it's hard because once you have kids that are teenagers, it's fucking scary.

01:40:38.000 It's like, you know, my fucking son is 16 years old.

01:40:41.000 Right.

01:40:42.000 But let's admit that that is a gray area.

01:40:45.000 Yeah, it is gray.

01:40:46.000 It's a gray area.

01:40:47.000 Who knows?

01:40:47.000 That could be the older sister.

01:40:49.000 You know?

01:40:49.000 That could be one girl and her older sister.

01:40:51.000 Like, she might be 19 and her friend might be 17. Who the fuck knows?

01:40:55.000 She could be a 51-point buck.

01:40:57.000 Bull.

01:40:57.000 Bull moose.

01:40:59.000 51-inch buck.

01:41:00.000 Jesus Christ.

01:41:01.000 You gotta kill that thing.

01:41:02.000 What's the youngest girl you ever had sex with when you were a teenager?

01:41:07.000 When I was...

01:41:11.000 I think I was 16. My girlfriend was 15. And she was the first girl I ever had sex with.

01:41:16.000 So that was the youngest girl.

01:41:17.000 She was 15 years old.

01:41:18.000 She was 15 and I was 16. Yeah.

01:41:21.000 I came instantly.

01:41:22.000 Yeah.

01:41:24.000 As soon as it touched it.

01:41:26.000 I was like, what?

01:41:28.000 What happened?

01:41:29.000 The first time I ever came was from a blowjob.

01:41:32.000 I never beat off.

01:41:33.000 I never beat off.

01:41:34.000 Are you serious?

01:41:34.000 Yeah.

01:41:34.000 No!

01:41:35.000 Yeah, for real.

01:41:36.000 That must have been the greatest blowjob of all time.

01:41:38.000 To this day, I've been chasing that dragon.

01:41:40.000 Yes!

01:41:40.000 My ears rang.

01:41:41.000 Oh!

01:41:42.000 I'll never forget.

01:41:42.000 It was on the porch.

01:41:44.000 The front porch of my girlfriend's house.

01:41:47.000 Her mom was upstairs.

01:41:48.000 So she blew me on the porch.

01:41:49.000 No shit!

01:41:50.000 Yeah.

01:41:50.000 Had she blown a guy before?

01:41:52.000 I'm sure.

01:41:53.000 Seems like it.

01:41:54.000 If she's on the front porch, her mouth's been around a couple cocks.

01:41:57.000 She actually had sex with one of my friends before she had sex with me.

01:42:01.000 And my friend was like a real weird, he was like a city guy, where I was like, we were living in the suburbs.

01:42:07.000 My friend was my friend actually before I knew her from back when I lived in Jamaica Plain.

01:42:12.000 And he was always a really weird guy.

01:42:14.000 He was like one of those guys that would wear those black Reeboks with the Velcro, like the aerobic shoes.

01:42:20.000 High tops.

01:42:20.000 And then he had Cavaricis.

01:42:22.000 He dressed well.

01:42:24.000 Back then, I was dressing well.

01:42:25.000 And I always felt super insecure.

01:42:28.000 I'm like, wow, she dated that guy.

01:42:29.000 That guy was street smart.

01:42:32.000 He was hip.

01:42:35.000 He smoked cigarettes.

01:42:36.000 He knew how to dance.

01:42:37.000 He could dance.

01:42:37.000 Music could play.

01:42:38.000 He sold speakers.

01:42:39.000 Car speakers.

01:42:40.000 He was just a weird guy.

01:42:41.000 He was a really weird guy.

01:42:43.000 Was he a Guido?

01:42:44.000 No.

01:42:45.000 No, I don't think he was Italian.

01:42:47.000 I don't remember what he was.

01:42:49.000 Some non-distinct European lineage.

01:42:52.000 Yeah.

01:42:52.000 But she banged him, and then that didn't work out.

01:42:55.000 She actually made out with him once at my house the first time.

01:42:58.000 Uh-huh.

01:42:59.000 But when you were kids, we'd play spin the bottle and make out with each other.

01:43:02.000 We didn't know what the fuck we were doing.

01:43:03.000 We couldn't even believe that we could make out with each other.

01:43:05.000 Like, what?

01:43:05.000 This is amazing.

01:43:06.000 Yeah.

01:43:06.000 You know?

01:43:08.000 So wait, so you get the blowjob.

01:43:09.000 You've never had a handjob.

01:43:10.000 You've never jerked off.

01:43:12.000 Nope.

01:43:12.000 Why did you never jerk off?

01:43:15.000 I didn't know that it would be that worth doing.

01:43:21.000 I didn't jerk off until after I was having sex, believe it or not.

01:43:24.000 And you were what, 15 at this point?

01:43:25.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:43:27.000 Wow.

01:43:27.000 Yeah, maybe 15 or 16 maybe.

01:43:30.000 Maybe 16. Because I had sex.

01:43:31.000 I'm pretty sure I had sex...

01:43:32.000 I think it was right when I was 16 and she was 15. That's when we actually had sex.

01:43:39.000 She might have blown me before I was 16. But anyway, my ears rang like BEEP! I couldn't believe it.

01:43:50.000 I was like, what the fuck?

01:43:52.000 Like, I came so hard.

01:43:54.000 It was this reward system that, like, the universe and biology had set up.

01:44:00.000 This crazy reward system to try to get you to breed.

01:44:02.000 It's really interesting because when you're at your least responsible, your least developed, your brain is mush.

01:44:09.000 My brain was useless.

01:44:10.000 When I was 15 years old, I had a monkey's brain.

01:44:13.000 And it was this just ridiculous...

01:44:16.000 Silly brain.

01:44:17.000 No way did I have any, like, sense of responsibility or how to take care of a kid.

01:44:24.000 Like, impossible.

01:44:24.000 I didn't even have my own shit even remotely together.

01:44:27.000 And my body wanted me to have a baby.

01:44:29.000 Like, it wanted to trick me.

01:44:31.000 I was horny all the time.

01:44:33.000 Like, ruthlessly horny.

01:44:35.000 You know, and...

01:44:36.000 After that girl gave me a blowjob, then we wound up being boyfriend and girlfriend, having sex all the time.

01:44:42.000 We just fucked constantly.

01:44:44.000 Condoms?

01:44:45.000 No.

01:44:46.000 Maybe twice.

01:44:48.000 That's crazy.

01:44:49.000 Yeah, definitely not smart.

01:44:51.000 Because back then, you're not dribbling out a load.

01:44:52.000 You are fucking projecting that thing.

01:44:55.000 Shooting rockets.

01:44:56.000 Deep, deep into the cervix and the urethra.

01:45:00.000 Well, I was trying to pull out, so I guess somehow or another I pulled it off.

01:45:03.000 Wow.

01:45:04.000 You got lucky.

01:45:05.000 Or she had a couple abortions she can tell you about.

01:45:08.000 It's possible.

01:45:08.000 I knew a lot of girls that had abortions.

01:45:10.000 Not even with me, which is like girls in town.

01:45:13.000 One girl had three of them.

01:45:14.000 And we were like, Jesus, honey, get on the fucking pill.

01:45:17.000 Yeah.

01:45:17.000 Get on the pill.

01:45:18.000 All right.

01:45:18.000 But my girlfriend in high school got on the pill.

01:45:22.000 And then it was just like, just rockets right in there.

01:45:25.000 Pow, pow.

01:45:27.000 It's ridiculous.

01:45:28.000 Because when you're a young kid, the pill is a strange thing, right?

01:45:33.000 You're circumventing biology.

01:45:36.000 Yeah, it's not good for teenagers.

01:45:37.000 Mother Nature, I know what your fucking plan was.

01:45:39.000 I know what you're trying to do.

01:45:40.000 But guess what?

01:45:41.000 No one's ready for this when you're 16. So we're going to give someone the pill.

01:45:45.000 But for girls, it's a terrible deal.

01:45:47.000 They've got to take these fucking wacky hormones.

01:45:49.000 They've got to take estrogen when you're 16. What does that do to them?

01:45:52.000 Yeah.

01:45:53.000 You know what they say it does, one of the big things?

01:45:55.000 It fucks up a woman's ability to differentiate whether or not she's compatible with a guy.

01:46:01.000 Oh, really?

01:46:02.000 Yeah, they've done these things where they take women and they'll have them smell a guy's clothes, clothes that a guy wore, and they can decide and they can just pick from the smell whether or not they would be compatible with that guy.

01:46:16.000 And it turns out they're really good at picking whether or not they're genetically compatible with that guy.

01:46:21.000 Wow.

01:46:21.000 But that gets totally monkey-wrenched into the gears as soon as they get on the pill.

01:46:26.000 When they get on the pill, their sense of smell doesn't work anymore.

01:46:29.000 That sort of weird primate instinct, the animal instinct of being able to smell whether or not the guy's compatible with you doesn't work anymore.

01:46:41.000 Dude, I nose-raped this girl at the gym yesterday.

01:46:45.000 I was on the treadmill and she was next to me and she had long black hair and she tussled it up and put it into a bun and whatever conditioner she had was floating over.

01:46:55.000 Then she started running.

01:46:56.000 She was this Persian girl and the armpits were fucking emitting.

01:46:59.000 I was running with my head at a 45 degree angle, inhaling through my nose, exhaling through my mouth, just nose raping her.

01:47:07.000 Did you have a plan if she said, why are you leaning towards me?

01:47:11.000 You tell her about the roller coaster.

01:47:14.000 You can tell her about, listen, I gotta tell you, I'll tell you a story.

01:47:17.000 It's a crazy long story.

01:47:18.000 Do you have time?

01:47:19.000 I'll buy you a cup of coffee.

01:47:20.000 I'll buy you a cup of coffee.

01:47:21.000 Just stand a little closer.

01:47:22.000 It's a place called Bush Gardens in Tampa.

01:47:24.000 And I fucked my neck up on a rollercoaster.

01:47:25.000 It's the craziest rollercoaster.

01:47:27.000 She forgets her sweatshirt.

01:47:28.000 I'm down in the men's room.

01:47:29.000 Just fucking...

01:47:35.000 I mean, she had...

01:47:36.000 She was hot.

01:47:37.000 Like, she was running...

01:47:38.000 I usually run with the...

01:47:40.000 I run at 6.2 miles an hour, which is pretty slow, but it keeps my heart rate at 135, which I need to do for, like, 40 minutes straight.

01:47:50.000 She was running at fucking 8.5 miles an hour, which is pretty goddamn fast, because she was small.

01:47:57.000 Whoa.

01:47:57.000 And nice, nice tan little Persian legs, but the smell of fucking unibrow, she was a little gland...

01:48:05.000 She was a gland.

01:48:07.000 Yeah, it was coming out.

01:48:08.000 It was coming out from the undercarriage everywhere.

01:48:10.000 And I'm just running and I'm trying to...

01:48:12.000 It was like a powdery, flowery thing mixed with pit stink.

01:48:20.000 Those are the type of girls, like really sexy Persian girls, or I guess you would say Iranian, if you weren't being politically correct.

01:48:27.000 Isn't that hilarious?

01:48:27.000 They call themselves Persian.

01:48:28.000 Yeah.

01:48:29.000 There's been a Persia since like 1930. Right.

01:48:32.000 Right.

01:48:32.000 Let's all just call ourselves Africans.

01:48:34.000 Yeah.

01:48:35.000 Steve Sweeney used to go like, oh, you're Persian?

01:48:38.000 Oh, allow me to introduce my friend.

01:48:39.000 He's from the Ottoman Empire, and I'm a Hittite.

01:48:48.000 Ottoman.

01:48:50.000 That's hilarious.

01:48:51.000 Yeah, but I was sitting on a bench one day.

01:48:57.000 This couple walked past me.

01:48:59.000 Girl was pretty hot.

01:49:01.000 Little nose rape.

01:49:02.000 Take it in.

01:49:03.000 Nice.

01:49:03.000 And I got a small, I got a very strong, what do you call your nose?

01:49:10.000 Sense of smell?

01:49:11.000 Olfactory gland?

01:49:12.000 Olfactory.

01:49:12.000 I got a very strong olfactory sense.

01:49:15.000 And so I was like really enjoying it.

01:49:17.000 And then about 10 minutes later, the guy walks past me.

01:49:22.000 And he smells good, too?

01:49:23.000 That was the smell.

01:49:25.000 Oh, no.

01:49:26.000 Yeah.

01:49:26.000 Oh, no.

01:49:27.000 Yeah.

01:49:27.000 Was he wearing, like, patchouli or something?

01:49:29.000 It was spicy.

01:49:31.000 That's one of those things that a dude could pull off, that a girl could pull off, too.

01:49:34.000 Like, both hippie species, male and female, both genders, can wear patchouli.

01:49:38.000 Marin.

01:49:39.000 Mark Marin wears patchouli.

01:49:40.000 I don't believe you.

01:49:41.000 Yes, he does.

01:49:42.000 I might have to find that out.

01:49:44.000 Grateful Dead music and patchouli oil.

01:49:45.000 He really wears patchouli?

01:49:46.000 Yep.

01:49:47.000 How dare he?

01:49:48.000 Really?

01:49:49.000 You sure?

01:49:49.000 You just fucking with me?

01:49:50.000 I'll email him right now.

01:49:53.000 I'm almost 100% sure.

01:49:55.000 Not all the time, but he has in the past worn patchouli oil.

01:49:58.000 Do you think some girl fucked him at one point in his life because he was wearing patchouli and he's like, look, just roll the dice.

01:50:03.000 If it really cancels out, I don't want that kind of pressure.

01:50:06.000 Like, if a girl doesn't fuck me because I'm wearing patchouli, I don't want that kind of pressure.

01:50:09.000 That's true.

01:50:10.000 That's a lot of pressure.

01:50:10.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:50:11.000 That's my argument for the fanny pack.

01:50:14.000 The guy's like, oh, it's easy for you, you're married.

01:50:16.000 I'm like, listen to me.

01:50:17.000 If I wasn't married, I'd be more inclined to wear it.

01:50:19.000 Because if a girl won't fuck you because you wear a fanny pack, you don't want her to fuck you.

01:50:22.000 It's too much work.

01:50:23.000 Yeah.

01:50:24.000 I love seeing single guys who have that attitude.

01:50:26.000 That is the attitude.

01:50:28.000 You gotta have that attitude.

01:50:28.000 Otherwise, you get distracted.

01:50:29.000 And that's what I learned from beating off.

01:50:31.000 It's one of the things I learned from beating off.

01:50:33.000 When I first started beating off, which I told you after I had sex, I realized, oh, this is what's going on.

01:50:38.000 I'm a little addict.

01:50:39.000 I came and I was like, I don't really need to go out with her.

01:50:42.000 This is not necessary.

01:50:44.000 Before, I was like, I gotta see her.

01:50:45.000 When am I gonna see her?

01:50:46.000 When am I gonna see her?

01:50:47.000 But I would beat off and it would give me a few hours of relief.

01:50:50.000 Yeah.

01:50:50.000 Where I could think clearly.

01:50:52.000 Right.

01:50:52.000 Like I used to have a bit way back in the day about jerk off first, then think about it.

01:50:57.000 That should be like an ethic that men approach their entire life with.

01:50:59.000 Because some fucking terrible mistakes you make when you're under the influence of your own dick.

01:51:03.000 Yeah.

01:51:04.000 Because your own dick will talk you into all sorts of stupid situations.

01:51:06.000 But if you jerk off first...

01:51:08.000 You know, you're not gonna go into a barn at 4 o'clock in the morning with some crazy girls doing coke.

01:51:13.000 Like, I gotta go.

01:51:14.000 Yeah.

01:51:15.000 If you jerked off, and she's like, come on, you're fucking scared.

01:51:18.000 Like, yeah, I'm scared.

01:51:19.000 Yeah.

01:51:19.000 I am scared.

01:51:20.000 Gotta go.

01:51:20.000 See ya.

01:51:21.000 Yeah.

01:51:21.000 But if you're horny, you're like, alright, let's do this.

01:51:25.000 That's right.

01:51:25.000 You want me to suck your dick?

01:51:26.000 Yeah, you want me to suck your dick?

01:51:28.000 You gotta do some coke with me.

01:51:29.000 Yeah.

01:51:34.000 Until you're just doing coke.

01:51:36.000 You can't even get it up, you faggot.

01:51:38.000 How come you can't get it up, faggot?

01:51:40.000 You're doing fucking coke.

01:51:41.000 I'm supposed to suck your dick.

01:51:42.000 You're not even getting it up.

01:51:44.000 I'm sorry.

01:51:45.000 And it's 4.30 in the morning.

01:51:46.000 You should never be up at 4.30 still trying to get laid.

01:51:50.000 That's what happens.

01:51:51.000 You start doing the coke, and all of a sudden you went to a bar, that closed, you went to another bar, you're fucking throwing down cash.

01:51:57.000 You haven't even gotten laid yet, and you're still...

01:51:59.000 Then she wants to go to Denny's, and then you gotta go hang out at her house, and she wants to do more coke, and then all of a sudden...

01:52:05.000 At 4.30 in the morning, it's not...

01:52:08.000 You don't even give a fuck anymore.

01:52:10.000 It's like...

01:52:12.000 It's gotta happen in the first two hours.

01:52:14.000 And you know what was a horrible one for me?

01:52:16.000 In the summer, when this would happen, and I had jobs.

01:52:19.000 So it'd be like 4.30 in the morning, and I'd be still trying to get laid, and then I had to be up at 7 to go to my construction job.

01:52:25.000 Ugh.

01:52:28.000 So you'd be carrying wood all day, exhausted.

01:52:31.000 You didn't shower so you got that oily fucking stank in your undercarriage.

01:52:35.000 Your ball sack is sticking to your thigh.

01:52:38.000 I'd come home and fall asleep before I even got my clothes off.

01:52:40.000 I just hit the fucking bed.

01:52:43.000 Sideways.

01:52:44.000 Out cold.

01:52:45.000 Yeah.

01:52:45.000 Wake up in the morning and do it all over again.

01:52:47.000 Oh yeah.

01:52:48.000 I used to park cars at a country club.

01:52:50.000 And we would go out.

01:52:52.000 We would get paid in cash.

01:52:53.000 Tips.

01:52:54.000 We'd make a good $150 in cash.

01:52:56.000 I was 16, 17 years old.

01:52:58.000 We'd go out to the bars, do shots all night.

01:53:01.000 Get laid.

01:53:02.000 We'd go skinny dipping.

01:53:04.000 There was a pool that we'd break into, and it was a bunch of teenagers that would all skinny dip.

01:53:08.000 On any given night in the summer, if it was hot out, you'd go to that pool, there was naked teenagers swimming, and you could get laid pretty easily.

01:53:18.000 And then we would go, and then we'd have to be there at 6 o'clock in the morning to park cars, because the golfers came in.

01:53:24.000 And we'd get there and we had this little wooden shack.

01:53:26.000 And we'd run up and down the stairs, park in these cars because it was down a hill.

01:53:29.000 So you'd have to drive it down the hill, run up, drive it down the hill for hours.

01:53:34.000 And then finally they'd all be out on the golf course, kick back in that shack, and just fucking lay on the wooden floor and sleep for a couple hours.

01:53:44.000 Ugh.

01:53:44.000 Working while you're tired when you're a kid is so important.

01:53:46.000 Yeah.

01:53:47.000 It's so important to realize how to power through things.

01:53:50.000 Mm-hmm.

01:53:50.000 Because you don't power through shit when you're a little kid.

01:53:53.000 They make you take naps.

01:53:54.000 Yeah.

01:53:54.000 It's quite the opposite of powering through.

01:53:56.000 Yeah.

01:53:56.000 Like, are you tired?

01:53:57.000 Look, Greg, just take a nap.

01:53:59.000 You need to take a nap.

01:53:59.000 I don't want to take a nap.

01:54:00.000 Go take a nap.

01:54:01.000 You have to take a nap at school.

01:54:02.000 Remember that?

01:54:03.000 Mm-hmm.

01:54:03.000 You just have nap time at school?

01:54:04.000 Yeah.

01:54:05.000 Then you take a nap when you got home.

01:54:06.000 And then all of a sudden, no more naps.

01:54:07.000 All of a sudden, you have to work.

01:54:08.000 And it happens over the course of a couple of years.

01:54:11.000 Now you've got to get up at six.

01:54:13.000 Those summer jobs, those were the big eye-opener for me.

01:54:16.000 That's when I knew.

01:54:18.000 That's when I fucking really knew I could never work construction.

01:54:22.000 That's when I really knew.

01:54:23.000 Like, summer jobs when I was in high school and right out of high school.

01:54:27.000 It's like, fuck this.

01:54:29.000 Yeah.

01:54:29.000 No, it's true.

01:54:30.000 You should make your kid bust his ass in high school so he can realize he needs an education or he needs to pick something to do young.

01:54:37.000 You gotta pick something to do different.

01:54:38.000 Because I had other jobs that weren't as hard.

01:54:40.000 Like, I worked at Newport Creamery.

01:54:41.000 I was a dishwasher, and then I was a cook.

01:54:44.000 It wasn't that hard.

01:54:45.000 I mean, it sucked.

01:54:46.000 It wasn't fun.

01:54:47.000 But you cook burgers, make ice cream, like sundaes and shit, milkshakes.

01:54:51.000 And before that, it was the guy who washed the dishes.

01:54:54.000 I moved up.

01:54:55.000 Nice.

01:54:55.000 Moved on up, bro.

01:54:56.000 I didn't want to take the waitress job, though.

01:54:58.000 Too much responsibility to be a waiter or a waitress.

01:55:00.000 Waitress.

01:55:03.000 Lipstick.

01:55:04.000 Yeah.

01:55:04.000 Put on perfume.

01:55:05.000 I didn't look good in those tights.

01:55:07.000 But that was like my only job that I'd had until I started doing construction jobs.

01:55:12.000 Yeah.

01:55:13.000 My dad's an architect.

01:55:14.000 My stepdad got me gigs.

01:55:16.000 He's an architect.

01:55:17.000 And he got me gigs in the summer, like real jobs.

01:55:20.000 And I was like, holy shit.

01:55:23.000 When you're a laborer, you're a 16-year-old laborer on a construction site, fuck your life.

01:55:29.000 Fuck my life.

01:55:31.000 Every day, fuck your life.

01:55:33.000 And plus, I didn't know how to hydrate back then.

01:55:35.000 I never drank any water.

01:55:37.000 I drank like a Coke in the morning.

01:55:39.000 And then all day, no drinking water.

01:55:40.000 No awareness whatsoever.

01:55:41.000 Probably didn't wear any sunblock.

01:55:43.000 No.

01:55:43.000 It was bronze like copper.

01:55:45.000 And I would just fucking carry shit all day and be so tired.

01:55:50.000 But I remember thinking, okay, there's got to be a fucking plan.

01:55:54.000 We've got to make a plan to avoid this.

01:55:56.000 You can't be doing this.

01:55:57.000 Because I knew guys that would do this.

01:55:59.000 My friend Leroy got me a job once.

01:56:00.000 This was a really important turning point.

01:56:02.000 Him and his friend Hank, they would renovate buildings in Dorchester.

01:56:06.000 It's a real shit neighborhood.

01:56:07.000 Real bad.

01:56:07.000 And these buildings were basically completely wrecked.

01:56:10.000 And they would redo them.

01:56:11.000 And this one guy...

01:56:13.000 He was like semi-homeless.

01:56:16.000 He lived in this place while they were redoing it.

01:56:19.000 And he had a Mountain Dew jug, like a two-liter thing of Mountain Dew that he filled with malt liquor.

01:56:24.000 And he would just drink this Mountain Dew jug of malt liquor all day.

01:56:28.000 He'd be just blasted all day on the construction site.

01:56:31.000 And we're walking around.

01:56:32.000 There's like exposed beams.

01:56:34.000 There's, to the left and the right, there's fiberglass, you know, that's over lattice.

01:56:39.000 Yeah.

01:56:40.000 So you could step through and you just drop right through to the floor below.

01:56:42.000 Yeah.

01:56:42.000 And this fucking guy walked like a ballerina, drunk as fuck.

01:56:46.000 His name is Jeff.

01:56:47.000 I'll never forget Jeff.

01:56:48.000 Walked around this construction site, just barely not stepping on nails, just barely, and drunk.

01:56:56.000 Yeah.

01:56:56.000 Hammered.

01:56:57.000 And everybody knew it.

01:56:57.000 Shakes.

01:56:58.000 His hands would shake.

01:56:59.000 He would hold the mountain leader, the two-leader Mountain Dew thing, and he'd be fucking shaking while he was trying to drink.

01:57:05.000 Wow.

01:57:06.000 Full-on alky.

01:57:07.000 And you were like, that's my future.

01:57:09.000 Oh.

01:57:09.000 I didn't think it was my future, but I knew it could be a future if you did what that guy's doing.

01:57:13.000 Like, whoa.

01:57:14.000 Yep.

01:57:15.000 Yeah, you realize that, you know, I had a job.

01:57:19.000 I was actually in college, but one summer I went out to the Hamptons.

01:57:23.000 Me and my brother and this other guy from Northern Ireland, Sean, he was fucking drunk.

01:57:27.000 And we shared a studio apartment, flea-ridden.

01:57:31.000 First two guys in got the fold-out couch, third guy was on the floor.

01:57:34.000 So you try to fucking get home before the other guys.

01:57:37.000 With fleas.

01:57:38.000 Oh my god.

01:57:38.000 Covered in fleas all summer.

01:57:40.000 Did you guys have a dog?

01:57:41.000 Did someone have a dog?

01:57:42.000 No, somebody must have had a dog before.

01:57:44.000 The place was infested.

01:57:46.000 Oh no.

01:57:46.000 And I would go down.

01:57:47.000 My job was, I would ride my bike, and I remember it was six miles.

01:57:51.000 I would ride my bike to the beach, and I had to get there at like seven o'clock in the morning.

01:57:56.000 And it was an outdoor beach club.

01:58:00.000 It was a bar, basically.

01:58:01.000 Brooklyn would unload and show up at this place.

01:58:04.000 It was called Summer's.

01:58:06.000 On Dune Road in the Hamptons.

01:58:08.000 And they had two outdoor bars that each had six bartenders in it.

01:58:13.000 You know, power pouring, like fucking Tom Cruise and cocktail.

01:58:16.000 Chicks in bikinis, bartending.

01:58:18.000 And then inside, two more bars with six more bartenders.

01:58:22.000 Speakers the size of a fucking Volkswagen.

01:58:24.000 So I'd get there at 7 a.m.

01:58:26.000 My job was get the fucking dolly and get ten speakers outside that were all the size of Volkswagens.

01:58:32.000 Plug them in.

01:58:34.000 First thing was, do that, and then I put on 2001 Space Odyssey at 9 to clear off all the drunks that were sleeping on the sand from the night before, because you had to pay to get in, so they wanted to clear the fucking beach.

01:58:46.000 All these people get up, scream with their hands on it.

01:58:48.000 Dun, dun, dun!

01:58:53.000 If you're like, shut the fuck up!

01:58:58.000 And then I would carry up, me and the other guy would carry up racks, you know, booze racks with like fucking 15 bottles in them.

01:59:04.000 Carry them up, stock each bar for six bartenders.

01:59:08.000 Start bringing up fucking garbage cans full of ice.

01:59:11.000 Filling up the troughs with ice.

01:59:13.000 Bringing up cases of beer.

01:59:15.000 Stuffing the beers into the ice.

01:59:17.000 I mean, and then all of a sudden people started trickling in around 9, 30, 10. Crank the fucking bad disco music.

01:59:24.000 Power pouring in the bikinis.

01:59:27.000 Guidos showing up.

01:59:28.000 Chicks that would...

01:59:29.000 I would have to clean out the bathroom, the women's bathroom, at least three times a day.

01:59:33.000 It'd be clogged up with tampons.

01:59:35.000 These nasty fucking Guido chicks from Brooklyn would stick their bloody tampons in.

01:59:41.000 And then the men would throw fucking broken bottles into the urinals.

01:59:46.000 I'd have to clean those out all day long, up and down.

01:59:49.000 And the ice was down a flight of stairs.

01:59:51.000 With this broken down, shitty ice machine.

01:59:54.000 And all day long, I weighed 125 pounds.

01:59:57.000 Up and down the stairs with buckets of ice on my shoulder.

02:00:00.000 Cases of Coors Light.

02:00:02.000 And just fried.

02:00:03.000 And it was all outside, so I was getting fried from the sun.

02:00:06.000 And I'm thinking, this is great, I'm gonna get laid.

02:00:09.000 I didn't get a fucking conversation with one of those chicks all summer long.

02:00:15.000 All I did was drink Miller Lights.

02:00:17.000 And then a few times a day, I'd run down to the beach, dive in the ocean, and fucking cool off, come back.

02:00:23.000 But I made bank.

02:00:24.000 These bartenders, they knew I was taking care of them, and they were making $1,000 a day.

02:00:31.000 Really?

02:00:32.000 Yeah, they were making crazy money.

02:00:34.000 Wow.

02:00:35.000 And they would all tip me out.

02:00:36.000 Fucking, you know, 15 bartenders, all tipping me.

02:00:40.000 Wow.

02:00:40.000 It was three of us, me and two other guys.

02:00:42.000 Wow.

02:00:43.000 And then I'd get on my bike at around 6 o'clock.

02:00:46.000 And I'd pedal back to our little flea-infested studio apartment, and then take a shower, and then we'd go to this place, Tequila Murphy's, up the street.

02:00:53.000 And we'd dance.

02:00:55.000 We'd fucking dance.

02:00:58.000 To, like, you know, uh...

02:01:00.000 Rob Bass and DJ Easy Rock?

02:01:02.000 Yeah!

02:01:04.000 That's right!

02:01:05.000 The art of noise.

02:01:06.000 And I would breakdance.

02:01:08.000 And we'd stay there until fucking 2 in the morning.

02:01:11.000 And I'd come home.

02:01:12.000 Get some more flea bites.

02:01:13.000 Get up and do it all over again.

02:01:14.000 Every day.

02:01:16.000 I had fleas on my carpet when I was in high school.

02:01:18.000 Because that same dog got hit by a car.

02:01:20.000 And we didn't have fleas anymore after she died.

02:01:22.000 I put carpet shit down and vacuumed it.

02:01:25.000 But one time, I brought this chick home when I was still living with my parents.

02:01:29.000 And she's one of the first chicks that I ever brought on.

02:01:32.000 Like...

02:01:33.000 I think I was 18 at the time, I was still living at home, and she was 18 too, and she knew how to fuck.

02:01:40.000 Like, not just that.

02:01:41.000 She was the first girl I ever had sex with that put her foot on the wall.

02:01:44.000 Yeah.

02:01:45.000 It was like pushing off with her foot on the wall.

02:01:47.000 Like, I lived on the second floor.

02:01:49.000 And you know, some bedrooms have like an angled wall.

02:01:52.000 So like where my bed was, it was like propped up against the side of the wall.

02:01:56.000 So it was like a flat wall up to like, you know, three feet high.

02:01:59.000 And then above that, there was like this angle.

02:02:01.000 And this chick put her foot on the top of that.

02:02:04.000 And she was like, fucking up.

02:02:06.000 She pushed back.

02:02:07.000 Yeah, I remember thinking, Jesus.

02:02:09.000 Like, respect.

02:02:12.000 She wasn't just taking it.

02:02:13.000 She was giving it back from the bottom.

02:02:16.000 I was like, oof.

02:02:17.000 I never dated a girl who did that before.

02:02:19.000 Yeah.

02:02:19.000 Because, you know, when you're 16, you're dating 16-year-olds, 17-year-olds, by the time you're 18, these girls have been fucking for a while.

02:02:26.000 Yeah.

02:02:26.000 They know what they're doing, you know?

02:02:27.000 Yeah.

02:02:28.000 I remember...

02:02:29.000 Yeah, being around that age, I remember this girl, Linda, I won't say her last name, she reached down, I'm fucking her, and she reaches down and starts rubbing her clit, and I was like, whoa!

02:02:40.000 I was like, wow, this is about your orgasm, isn't it?

02:02:43.000 Yeah.

02:02:43.000 That's a girl who's ready to party.

02:02:45.000 Because when you...

02:02:46.000 There's a certain age where it goes from becoming about your orgasm to being about hers.

02:02:51.000 And that's a big primordial change.

02:02:55.000 There's also this thing where a girl's doing that in front of you.

02:02:58.000 There's something really hot about it.

02:03:00.000 She wants you to fuck her while she's masturbating and looking at you and letting you know that she's masturbating.

02:03:06.000 Whoa!

02:03:07.000 It's full surrender, yeah.

02:03:08.000 But this girl that pushed off against the wall, she got flea bites all over her leg.

02:03:11.000 My carpet had fucking fleas on it.

02:03:14.000 And she was like, what the fuck?

02:03:15.000 I was like, ah, I gotta do something about it.

02:03:19.000 She's so mad at me.

02:03:22.000 I used to have, like, little bites all over my fucking ankles all the time.

02:03:25.000 Yeah.

02:03:26.000 Just the thing you had, if you had a dog back then.

02:03:29.000 You know, like, we'd take some powder, I'd spray, sprinkle some fucking powder, and then vacuum.

02:03:35.000 It's supposed to kill the fleas.

02:03:36.000 Never did.

02:03:37.000 No.

02:03:37.000 Killed most of them.

02:03:38.000 Yeah.

02:03:38.000 There's a few gangster fleas that would survive.

02:03:41.000 And your dog would always get them.

02:03:42.000 They'd go outside, they'd just get fleas.

02:03:43.000 Dude, do you have those bugs right now because it was so rainy this winter?

02:03:47.000 We got these.

02:03:48.000 They look like giant mosquitoes, but they're like five times as big as mosquitoes.

02:03:53.000 You got those?

02:03:53.000 They call them mosquito eaters.

02:03:54.000 Yeah, they're all over the place.

02:03:55.000 Mosquito eaters, right.

02:03:56.000 Yeah.

02:03:56.000 They don't seem to sting you, though.

02:03:58.000 They don't seem to sting, but you open your front door, man.

02:04:00.000 They come right in.

02:04:02.000 Yeah, they're big.

02:04:02.000 Every night, I got to kill a couple of them in the house.

02:04:05.000 Do they really eat mosquitoes?

02:04:06.000 I don't know how you would get...

02:04:08.000 They're so slow.

02:04:09.000 Right.

02:04:10.000 I don't know how they would get to a mosquito.

02:04:12.000 Maybe the mosquito would be stupid.

02:04:13.000 It'd be like, Dad, like, yeah, come on, come here, come here, come here, I'll give you a hug.

02:04:16.000 Yeah.

02:04:17.000 I mean, I heard them called that, but I was thinking the same thing.

02:04:19.000 Like, how the fuck are they...

02:04:20.000 Yeah.

02:04:21.000 Adult crane flies are actually physically incapable of killing mosquitoes.

02:04:24.000 The main sustenance of crane flies is flower nectar.

02:04:28.000 The nickname mosquito eaters probably comes from the fact that some larval crane fleas feed on mosquito larvae.

02:04:34.000 But it also is only occasionally.

02:04:38.000 And those things, I mean, it's the size of your hand.

02:04:40.000 They're big.

02:04:41.000 Yeah.

02:04:42.000 It's a weird bug.

02:04:45.000 Yeah, there's a lot of...

02:04:47.000 And mosquitoes, too.

02:04:48.000 There's a ton of mosquitoes right now.

02:04:49.000 We got a wet winter.

02:04:51.000 It's fascinating.

02:04:52.000 You know what's funny though?

02:04:53.000 People are so glass half empty.

02:04:55.000 I've been hearing so many people go, well, there's going to be a real problem this summer when fire season starts.

02:05:00.000 Bitch, can't you just enjoy the green hills?

02:05:03.000 The hills are green.

02:05:04.000 Everything looks beautiful.

02:05:05.000 I hope this place becomes Seattle and people move.

02:05:09.000 I hope it rains constantly.

02:05:10.000 And they move LA to the desert.

02:05:12.000 Move it to where Area 51 is.

02:05:14.000 This is where we're going to film from now on, guys?

02:05:15.000 Just start filming out there because it never rains.

02:05:17.000 Yeah.

02:05:18.000 I just read this book about the making of the Panama Canal.

02:05:23.000 And they talk about, you know, when the French first tried to do it, they went in in the late 19th century.

02:05:30.000 And they, you know, you got to think technology in the late 19th century.

02:05:34.000 They didn't have fucking electricity.

02:05:37.000 They didn't have shit.

02:05:38.000 Right.

02:05:38.000 They had giant machines and they were trying to bulldoze...

02:05:42.000 A canal through the most dense tropical jungle that you could get through and they lost something like 20% of the people that went down there died of malaria and yellow fever.

02:06:17.000 Holy shit.

02:06:17.000 And then all of a sudden, they'd get a monster rain, and everything you'd excavated, there'd be a mudslide.

02:06:23.000 It would fill it right up again.

02:06:25.000 They'd start all over.

02:06:27.000 There were snakes.

02:06:28.000 There was fucking mountain lions.

02:06:31.000 And they just finally gave up.

02:06:33.000 Finally, France just went, fuck this.

02:06:35.000 They had bled hundreds of millions of dollars.

02:06:38.000 And so then the U.S. stepped in.

02:06:40.000 They go, we can do it.

02:06:42.000 So we came in, and some guy realized that mosquitoes were the problem.

02:06:49.000 Nobody knew that malaria and yellow fever were mosquito-borne.

02:06:53.000 For whatever reason, they just thought it was fucking popping out of the dirt.

02:06:57.000 They thought it was fumes coming out of the dirt.

02:06:59.000 And this guy's like, no, it's fucking mosquitoes.

02:07:02.000 So he came in with a team of like 10 people, and they just started educating people about how to get rid of mosquitoes, which is basically get rid of standing water.

02:07:12.000 And so instead of having mud roads, they poured concrete.

02:07:16.000 And instead of having open barrels that people would collect rainwater in, they would put sheets over them.

02:07:22.000 And...

02:07:24.000 Fucking gone.

02:07:25.000 That's it?

02:07:26.000 That's all they had to do to stop the mosquitoes?

02:07:28.000 All they had to do was no deaths from malaria and yellow fever after the first couple years they started construction.

02:07:34.000 That's incredible.

02:07:34.000 Yeah.

02:07:35.000 So they just figured out a way to stop the mosquitoes from breeding without poison?

02:07:39.000 Without poison.

02:07:40.000 That's incredible.

02:07:41.000 Yeah.

02:07:41.000 I would have thought they would just age in orange the fuck out of that place.

02:07:45.000 Nope.

02:07:45.000 Just standing water.

02:07:46.000 Wow.

02:07:47.000 Do you know malaria has killed half the people that have ever died ever?

02:07:50.000 No shit.

02:07:53.000 Wow.

02:07:55.000 Wow.

02:07:55.000 Half the people that have ever died, ever, in the history of the human race have died from malaria.

02:07:59.000 And still unabated, no fucking cure.

02:08:02.000 My friend Justin's got it three times.

02:08:04.000 Really?

02:08:04.000 Where does he live?

02:08:05.000 Well, he goes to the Congo.

02:08:06.000 He makes wells for the pygmies.

02:08:08.000 Wow.

02:08:09.000 Yeah.

02:08:09.000 Justin Wren.

02:08:11.000 But if you catch it and you take the pill right away, you're fine.

02:08:14.000 If you get the proper medication, you will be okay.

02:08:18.000 But there's a bunch of different strains of malaria, and some of them last a long time.

02:08:22.000 And he's had one strain where he got it, he recovered from it, and then he got sick.

02:08:27.000 And because he got sick, the malaria came back.

02:08:29.000 So he got an unrelated illness without being around the mosquitoes and his malaria came back and he had to figure it out that the malaria had made a relapse.

02:08:37.000 So he's had it three times.

02:08:38.000 Two times from being bitten, one time from a relapse.

02:08:41.000 So is malaria something that just stays with you for life?

02:08:44.000 I think with some cases.

02:08:45.000 And not necessarily for life, but it can recur over the course of a certain amount of years and then your body eventually gets over it.

02:08:52.000 But he was saying that one case of malaria, you can have it for as much as 30 years.

02:08:57.000 Wow.

02:08:58.000 And dying of it is about as painful as it gets.

02:09:02.000 Your brain starts to fucking fry.

02:09:04.000 You just go crazy.

02:09:05.000 Your entire body feels like it's made of acid.

02:09:08.000 It's brutal.

02:09:09.000 Oh, fuck, man.

02:09:10.000 Yeah.

02:09:11.000 Fuck.

02:09:12.000 You know, and you think about, you know, Third World.

02:09:15.000 You know, we're trying to...

02:09:17.000 We're trying to do good in the world.

02:09:18.000 Malaria is just number one, two, and three that we should be focusing on.

02:09:23.000 Yeah, there was some work that they were doing.

02:09:26.000 God, I want to say somewhere around California.

02:09:28.000 Someone was doing it where they were trying to figure out a way to engineer a mosquito that does not get malaria.

02:09:36.000 And they were going to release that mosquito into the population.

02:09:38.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:09:39.000 I heard about this.

02:09:39.000 Right.

02:09:40.000 Is that what it was?

02:09:40.000 Well, I think it happened with the Zika virus.

02:09:43.000 Here it goes.

02:09:43.000 How's that?

02:09:44.000 Did malaria really kill half the people that ever lived?

02:09:46.000 Get the facts.

02:09:47.000 Did it?

02:09:49.000 It's a myth.

02:09:50.000 Oh, it is a myth.

02:09:50.000 It's definitely probably one of the biggest throughout human history, but to actually know the actual fact, if it has killed that many people, it's probably not, because it would have had to have killed an average of 5.5 million per year, and for the last 30 or 40 years, it's only about 2 to 3 million, so that number...

02:10:06.000 But that's the last 30 or 40 years.

02:10:08.000 So it's at least 20%.

02:10:09.000 Yeah.

02:10:10.000 Hmm, but they don't know.

02:10:11.000 So where does it come from?

02:10:12.000 Does any site support that?

02:10:14.000 This site tries to debunk it.

02:10:15.000 We have to be sure that they're not right.

02:10:17.000 Because I feel like I read it from a science paper, which might not necessarily...

02:10:22.000 Look, we had Rob Wolf the other day, and he thought that a vomitorium was really some...

02:10:25.000 People make mistakes.

02:10:28.000 But it's, uh...

02:10:29.000 But it's killed fuckloads of people.

02:10:31.000 It's just, there's a lot of those goddamn diseases that scare the shit out of you.

02:10:34.000 Like, remember when the Ebola craze happened?

02:10:36.000 And everybody was panicking that Ebola had made its way to the United States?

02:10:39.000 Remember that one lady?

02:10:40.000 She was a nurse.

02:10:41.000 She was in quarantine.

02:10:43.000 And they tried to keep her in quarantine.

02:10:44.000 She's like, fuck you, I'm going shopping.

02:10:46.000 That's right.

02:10:47.000 Remember that?

02:10:47.000 Yeah.

02:10:48.000 She's like, bitch, you're quarantined.

02:10:49.000 She's like, I don't have it.

02:10:50.000 Well, the Zika thing is not under wraps.

02:10:52.000 They've got it here.

02:10:53.000 It's down in Florida.

02:10:54.000 And I think that they...

02:10:56.000 I know they were trying to genetically modify mosquitoes for Zika.

02:11:00.000 Yeah.

02:11:01.000 Yeah.

02:11:02.000 A friend of mine, his wife got pregnant.

02:11:04.000 He wouldn't let her go anywhere.

02:11:06.000 It's like they were supposed to go to...

02:11:08.000 Hawaii or maybe Mexico or something like that.

02:11:10.000 They were like, fuck that.

02:11:11.000 We're not taking any chances.

02:11:13.000 We're going to stay right here while this kid's born.

02:11:14.000 Fuck yeah.

02:11:15.000 Because it's incurable.

02:11:17.000 And your kid develops a tiny head.

02:11:19.000 It's a really creepy fucking disease.

02:11:21.000 And they don't even know what else happens because the kids that are born from it are only a few years old at this point.

02:11:26.000 What a fucking crazy disease, man.

02:11:28.000 So cruel.

02:11:29.000 So horrible.

02:11:30.000 There's a guy named Pito Hortes that I interviewed once, and he was talking to me about, it was from my sci-fi show that I did years back, and he was talking to me about jungle diseases, like people that have, you know, any sort of infestations, parasites,

02:11:46.000 and things like that in the jungle, and he said it is 100% of the people that live there.

02:11:51.000 They have them.

02:11:52.000 100% of the people that live there have something.

02:11:55.000 Yeah.

02:11:55.000 100%.

02:11:56.000 I went 100%.

02:11:57.000 Does that mean they're living with it or they're suffering from it?

02:11:59.000 They're living with it.

02:12:00.000 I mean, they might be suffering from it, but one of them was this cat parasite, Toxoplasma.

02:12:07.000 Mm-hmm.

02:12:07.000 Have you ever heard of that?

02:12:08.000 Oh yeah, pregnant women are...

02:12:10.000 Yeah, super dangerous for women to handle cat shit because of it.

02:12:13.000 You shouldn't touch a litter box.

02:12:14.000 Or eat any vegetables in France because they don't...

02:12:17.000 My wife went to France when she was pregnant and they said that she couldn't eat cheese because they don't pasteurize it out correctly in France.

02:12:25.000 Well, it makes sense.

02:12:26.000 They like that raw, stinky fucking cheese down there.

02:12:28.000 They love that stuff.

02:12:29.000 They love it.

02:12:30.000 But it's a weird one because it makes the rat, when a rat eats it, or a rat gets it in its body, a rat becomes sexually attracted to the smell of cat urine to the point where their dick gets hard and their balls swell up and they go to find the cat and the cat kills them.

02:12:47.000 And then the cat relays it to people.

02:12:49.000 And one of the things it does with people is it makes them reckless.

02:12:53.000 So there's a guy named Dr. Robert Sapolsky out of Stanford who's done extensive research on toxoplasma.

02:12:59.000 He's a fucking fascinating guy.

02:13:00.000 He's got some awesome speeches where he talks about it online.

02:13:03.000 But one of the things they found when he was working in the ER is a direct correlation between toxoplasma and motorcycle accidents.

02:13:11.000 Like a lot of these people.

02:13:12.000 Really?

02:13:13.000 Yep.

02:13:13.000 People that would come in and they would have motorcycle accidents.

02:13:16.000 They would test them and they would find out they tested positive for toxo.

02:13:20.000 50 million people in America tested positive for toxoplasma.

02:13:25.000 Really?

02:13:25.000 Yep.

02:13:25.000 And it affects the way you think.

02:13:28.000 It affects your judgment.

02:13:29.000 It makes you more impulsive.

02:13:30.000 It makes you more aggressive.

02:13:32.000 And it might even affect women.

02:13:34.000 It might make women more promiscuous or at least make them more sexually submissive.

02:13:39.000 They don't know.

02:13:40.000 I mean, this is just complete, total speculation.

02:13:42.000 But they think it might be one of the reasons why some South American countries are very macho.

02:13:46.000 And the women are, like, very sexy.

02:13:48.000 So why do women with cats always live alone?

02:13:50.000 I don't think it's the same.

02:13:52.000 Those cats never leave the house.

02:13:53.000 So if you don't have a cat, you can't catch this.

02:13:57.000 No, you can catch it.

02:13:57.000 You can catch it from the meat of a cow that eats the cat shit in its grass.

02:14:03.000 So you're saying that currently there's probably 50 million people in the country that have this?

02:14:08.000 Currently in America, there's 50 million people plus that are infected with this cat parasite called Toxoplasma.

02:14:15.000 Should you get tested for it?

02:14:17.000 No, I probably have it for sure.

02:14:18.000 I'm scared.

02:14:18.000 I don't want to get tested.

02:14:19.000 Because you have cats, right?

02:14:21.000 Yeah.

02:14:21.000 Yeah, I'm definitely...

02:14:22.000 Joey Diaz has 150,000 fucking cats.

02:14:26.000 Yeah.

02:14:26.000 He's for sure got it.

02:14:27.000 All those crazy cat ladies, I guarantee they have it.

02:14:29.000 Yeah.

02:14:30.000 Yeah.

02:14:30.000 It's a really common thing.

02:14:32.000 I think in France, at one point, there was something like 30% of the population had toxo.

02:14:37.000 Yeah.

02:14:39.000 Yeah, it's real.

02:14:40.000 Well, we're made of feral cats.

02:14:42.000 Is that a bacteria, then?

02:14:43.000 It's a parasite.

02:14:45.000 It's some sort of a parasite that actually gets its way into your brain.

02:14:48.000 Because that's the crazy thing, is what...

02:14:50.000 I forget what percentage of your body weight is bacteria, but it's...

02:14:54.000 Nuts.

02:14:54.000 ...staggering.

02:14:55.000 Nuts, off the chart.

02:14:56.000 It's like 15% of your body weight is bacteria.

02:14:58.000 Yeah, we're all ecosystems.

02:15:00.000 Can you look that up?

02:15:00.000 See how full of shit I am?

02:15:01.000 First of all, find out how many people in America have toxoplasma before we find out.

02:15:04.000 Approximately 30 million.

02:15:06.000 30 million.

02:15:06.000 Wow.

02:15:07.000 It says it's the number...

02:15:09.000 Write 50 million.

02:15:11.000 How do I remember that wrong?

02:15:14.000 Write 50 million people in America have toxoplasma.

02:15:16.000 20 of them died.

02:15:17.000 Oh my god.

02:15:18.000 I don't think it kills you.

02:15:19.000 On motorcycles.

02:15:20.000 Unless you wreck motorcycles.

02:15:21.000 But Sapolsky was studying its effects on people and trying to figure out, like, they don't really know what it does to people.

02:15:30.000 There's just this correlation between motorcycle accidents.

02:15:32.000 That's another thing that says that up to 60 million people could have it.

02:15:36.000 Okay.

02:15:37.000 Up to 60 million people.

02:15:38.000 Just in America.

02:15:39.000 Just in America.

02:15:40.000 In other countries, like in some South American countries, it's very high.

02:15:43.000 And, you know, it might have been just something that people have been living with forever.

02:15:47.000 There's some sort of a weird connection that we have to these organisms.

02:15:52.000 And in this one, it rewires the sexual reward system of rodents.

02:15:56.000 It changes their reward system.

02:15:58.000 It makes their dick hard for cat piss, so that they go near the cat so they get killed, so they can transmit it to people, because cats hang around with people.

02:16:05.000 I mean, assuming that that's the...

02:16:07.000 The chain of events.

02:16:08.000 Yeah.

02:16:08.000 Fucking A, man.

02:16:10.000 Jesus.

02:16:10.000 Look at that.

02:16:12.000 One to three percent of the body's mass in a 200-pound adult is two to six pounds of bacteria, but also play a vital role in human health.

02:16:19.000 Wow.

02:16:20.000 Human body contains trillions of microorganisms, outnumbering human cells by ten to one.

02:16:27.000 Damn!

02:16:30.000 What?

02:16:32.000 So 3% of the body's mass, not 15. But they outnumber human cells just because of the size.

02:16:38.000 Because they're small size, however, the microorganisms make up only 1 to 3% of the body's mass.

02:16:43.000 It doesn't make up as much of the mass, but you are outnumbered.

02:16:47.000 Human cells are outnumbered 10 to 1. That's like if there's one rat for every person on a ship, and there's, you know, 10 people.

02:16:57.000 Think of that.

02:16:58.000 I mean, that's a fucking infested, rat-filled ship.

02:17:01.000 Well, some of the bacteria is good.

02:17:03.000 Some of it is.

02:17:04.000 Yeah, but I'm just saying, you're mostly rats.

02:17:06.000 Yeah.

02:17:06.000 You're like, what is that, a ship of people?

02:17:08.000 Well, there's some people on it.

02:17:09.000 Yeah.

02:17:10.000 Right.

02:17:11.000 It's mostly rats.

02:17:12.000 I mean, it's mostly rats.

02:17:13.000 It's a fucking rat ship.

02:17:15.000 Yeah.

02:17:15.000 That's what we are.

02:17:16.000 I mean, if you had a hundred people and a thousand rats on a ship, would you say that's a ship full of people?

02:17:21.000 Yeah.

02:17:21.000 Or a ship full of rats?

02:17:23.000 It's a ship full of rats and a bunch of poor fuckers trying to get some sleep.

02:17:27.000 Yeah we're just bags of bacteria.

02:17:29.000 We're bags of bacteria.

02:17:31.000 And we don't understand a lot of it.

02:17:33.000 No.

02:17:34.000 Because it's so fucking small and it's mysterious.

02:17:37.000 Well, how about probiotics?

02:17:38.000 How recent is that where people have figured out that you have to take in healthy bacteria in your body?

02:17:43.000 I take it every day.

02:17:44.000 Two decades?

02:17:45.000 Three decades?

02:17:46.000 Yeah.

02:17:47.000 Figure that out.

02:17:47.000 When do people start taking probiotics?

02:17:49.000 You take them every day, right?

02:17:51.000 Yeah.

02:17:52.000 I take it in a live form.

02:17:53.000 I like mostly in...

02:17:55.000 I like to eat either kimchi or sauerkraut.

02:17:58.000 I do that.

02:17:59.000 And in kombucha.

02:18:00.000 I drink kombucha every day.

02:18:01.000 Oh, you do?

02:18:01.000 That stuff.

02:18:02.000 Oh, I love it.

02:18:02.000 Wow.

02:18:02.000 We always keep it here, too, if you want one.

02:18:04.000 Wow.

02:18:05.000 We always have it here.

02:18:06.000 I drink the real stuff that you have to have an ID to show.

02:18:08.000 Yeah.

02:18:09.000 GT's kombucha is a shit because it's over one half of one percent alcohol.

02:18:13.000 I mean, you can't get drunk.

02:18:14.000 But one half to one percent alcohol, you have to be 21 to buy it.

02:18:18.000 Oh, it's that strong?

02:18:19.000 Mm-hmm.

02:18:19.000 Over one half of 1%.

02:18:21.000 And it's made out of, like, dairy, right?

02:18:23.000 It's like raw dairy?

02:18:24.000 No.

02:18:24.000 No, no, no.

02:18:24.000 That's kefir.

02:18:25.000 That's a different thing.

02:18:26.000 You're thinking of...

02:18:27.000 And kefir's like a grain.

02:18:29.000 There's a grain involved, too, somehow.

02:18:30.000 I don't understand, really, how kefir's made.

02:18:32.000 Somebody's explained it to me, and I just blanked out.

02:18:34.000 But it's a fungus.

02:18:35.000 It's kind of like a fungus.

02:18:38.000 It's a growth.

02:18:39.000 It's some sort of a thing.

02:18:40.000 Kombucha.

02:18:41.000 Yeah.

02:18:41.000 How do they make it?

02:18:42.000 I used to make it.

02:18:43.000 Really?

02:18:43.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:18:44.000 When I first came to LA, I actually, this girl that I was dating got me a piece.

02:18:49.000 She got me like a live organism.

02:18:51.000 She told me how to do it.

02:18:52.000 And you get like a bowl, like a glass bowl, like one of them big punch bowls.

02:18:55.000 And you fill the bowl up with sugar and water and I forget what the other ingredients are.

02:19:01.000 But you stir it all in.

02:19:02.000 Make it dissolve, and then you put the fungus in there, and then you put it in the refrigerator, or you leave it on the counter.

02:19:07.000 I don't remember which.

02:19:07.000 How much fungus do you put in?

02:19:08.000 I think you leave it on the counter.

02:19:09.000 You just put, like, a chunk.

02:19:11.000 Yeah.

02:19:11.000 You know, you have, like, a piece of this stuff.

02:19:13.000 And the longer you let it ferment, the stronger the kombucha's gonna be.

02:19:17.000 And then I would take it, and I would pour it into, like, this big, like, bucket, and then drink it.

02:19:23.000 And I was like, it's too much of a pain in the ass.

02:19:25.000 Because you couldn't buy it anywhere back then.

02:19:27.000 Yeah.

02:19:27.000 The only way you can get it in 1994, unless you knew some super hippie health food store that sold it, most of the time you got it from other people.

02:19:34.000 And I was like, does this even work?

02:19:36.000 What am I even doing?

02:19:37.000 Is this even good for you?

02:19:38.000 But I was like, oh, she might be right.

02:19:41.000 Wow.

02:19:41.000 Yeah.

02:19:42.000 Kombucha.

02:19:43.000 Every day.

02:19:44.000 Or every day you have that or sauerkraut.

02:19:45.000 Yeah.

02:19:46.000 Well, kimchi.

02:19:47.000 Sauerkraut too.

02:19:47.000 I like sauerkraut.

02:19:48.000 Raw sauerkraut.

02:19:49.000 But kimchi is huge.

02:19:51.000 Super high in probiotics.

02:19:54.000 It's like fermented cabbage.

02:19:56.000 So it's all like organisms in it.

02:19:58.000 It's all this shit growing.

02:20:00.000 It keeps you healthy.

02:20:00.000 My stomach feels distended.

02:20:03.000 And somebody told me that the probiotics can help that.

02:20:05.000 There's probably a lot of bacteria in there.

02:20:08.000 Could be.

02:20:09.000 Do you take in a lot of sugar?

02:20:11.000 No, I don't.

02:20:11.000 Do you eat pasta?

02:20:13.000 Pasta.

02:20:13.000 Yeah, that's sugar, unfortunately.

02:20:15.000 Yeah, I know.

02:20:16.000 And I try to take...

02:20:17.000 I have a fucking bagel every morning, and then I try to never have pasta, but...

02:20:23.000 Unfortunately, all that fucking yummy, delicious shit, like every now and then I'll let myself have like a giant pastrami sub.

02:20:30.000 Yeah.

02:20:31.000 Oh, you know, Italian bread with mustard and Swiss cheese.

02:20:36.000 Love it.

02:20:37.000 But you feel like shit afterwards.

02:20:39.000 Because your body has to process all that sugar.

02:20:41.000 Right.

02:20:42.000 All that bread is terrible for you.

02:20:43.000 So you just eat vegetables and meat?

02:20:46.000 For the most part, yeah.

02:20:48.000 I mean, I fuck around.

02:20:49.000 I don't have a totally strict diet.

02:20:52.000 I have a mostly strict diet.

02:20:53.000 You eat rice?

02:20:54.000 Sometimes.

02:20:55.000 Most of the time, no.

02:20:56.000 But sometimes, like I'm having sushi, I'm like, fuck it, let's live.

02:21:00.000 But if I'm not feeling that, I'll either peel the sushi off of the rice and just eat it, like sashimi.

02:21:08.000 Yeah.

02:21:09.000 But I'll eat like one out of every three.

02:21:11.000 I'll eat the rice.

02:21:13.000 If you're on a diet where your body's fat adapted, if it's burning off fat, as soon as you tip the scales and you have too many carbohydrates, it's like, fuck it, we're going back to carbohydrates.

02:21:22.000 And then you get tired easy, you get hungry easy.

02:21:24.000 It's like, it fucks with the system.

02:21:26.000 Once you start getting that fat adapted state, It's hard when you're out, though, to eat a decent lunch that doesn't have carbs in it.

02:21:34.000 Everything's a fucking sandwich.

02:21:35.000 Salads.

02:21:36.000 Yeah, you gotta eat salads.

02:21:37.000 Yeah, salads with chicken.

02:21:38.000 Salads with salmon.

02:21:39.000 Salmon's really good.

02:21:40.000 It's got oils in it, healthy oils.

02:21:42.000 Yeah.

02:21:42.000 Ask them for olive oil.

02:21:43.000 Pour the olive oil on the salad.

02:21:45.000 Nothing wrong with balsamic vinaigrette either, but most salad dressings are bullshit.

02:21:50.000 Yeah.

02:21:50.000 Most salad dressings are just nonsense and sugar.

02:21:53.000 If you have a delicious French dressing, why do you think it's delicious?

02:21:58.000 Yeah.

02:21:58.000 It's fucking dessert.

02:22:00.000 Yeah.

02:22:00.000 You're eating dessert.

02:22:01.000 It's dessert ketchup that you pour all over your salad.

02:22:04.000 Or my kid eats fucking granola bars all day, and I'm like, dude, that's a candy bar.

02:22:08.000 Yep.

02:22:08.000 It's just sugar.

02:22:09.000 Doesn't seem like it.

02:22:10.000 It seems like you're eating oats.

02:22:12.000 Yeah.

02:22:12.000 Being all healthy and shit.

02:22:13.000 Right.

02:22:13.000 You're just as better off eating a Snickers bar.

02:22:16.000 Yeah.

02:22:16.000 Same shit.

02:22:18.000 Kinda.

02:22:18.000 What about fruit?

02:22:19.000 Somebody told me that not all fruit is good to eat because it's got too much sugar.

02:22:22.000 Well, fruit of today, we have to really realize, when everybody's using these terms GMO, and this is something I've looked into pretty heavily, and I had this guy Kevin Folta on my podcast, who's a food scientist, and he's kind of explaining why people have a lot of misguided misconceptions about GMO foods.

02:22:38.000 He's like, essentially, everything's GMO. Everything has been in some way or another modified that you're eating.

02:22:43.000 Whether it's tomatoes that have been modified to stay on the shelf longer.

02:22:47.000 Whether it's oranges that are modified to be far more juicy and delicious than they've ever been in the past.

02:22:51.000 Apples.

02:22:52.000 We're talking about apples.

02:22:54.000 Somebody else was just talking about this recently.

02:22:56.000 Who was that?

02:22:57.000 I don't remember if I looked it up.

02:22:58.000 There are thousands of different apples.

02:22:59.000 I didn't pull it up in that podcast, but there's only like five now.

02:23:03.000 Or maybe 12. It used to be thousands of different eyes.

02:23:05.000 Was it Rob?

02:23:06.000 Wasn't it Rob Wolf?

02:23:07.000 I think so, yeah.

02:23:07.000 I think it was Rob Wolf.

02:23:08.000 Rob Wolf is a biologist.

02:23:09.000 What the fuck is this?

02:23:11.000 Bio...

02:23:13.000 Bio-fucking something.

02:23:15.000 Some scientist character.

02:23:17.000 Really smart guy.

02:23:18.000 But he was explaining that they all used to be like crab apples.

02:23:21.000 They all used to be like kind of sour and you could eat them.

02:23:23.000 You remember crab apples when you were a kid?

02:23:24.000 Sure.

02:23:24.000 We'd throw them at each other.

02:23:26.000 Yeah.

02:23:26.000 Throw them at cars.

02:23:27.000 Mm-hmm.

02:23:27.000 They were little tiny things.

02:23:28.000 They were green and they were sour as shit.

02:23:30.000 You could eat them.

02:23:30.000 You'd eat them if you were really hungry, but most of the time you wouldn't eat them.

02:23:33.000 Yeah.

02:23:33.000 That's apparently what apples used to be.

02:23:35.000 Those were wild apples.

02:23:37.000 And then people went, hmm, if I just take this, I'm doing that.

02:23:40.000 And I don't know how they do it, but they figured out how to splice things and change things and selectively breed certain plants.

02:23:47.000 And they came up with different strains.

02:23:49.000 That's why corn looks the way it looks.

02:23:51.000 Old school corn was like the size of a hobo's dick.

02:23:55.000 And it was all knotty and fucked up looking.

02:23:58.000 It was like four inches long.

02:23:59.000 So it was a little tiny thing.

02:24:00.000 Did it taste the same?

02:24:02.000 No.

02:24:02.000 I mean, it's a hobo's dick?

02:24:04.000 No, hobo's dicks are weird, man.

02:24:05.000 They're so variable.

02:24:09.000 You never know what you're getting.

02:24:10.000 It could be a recent hobo.

02:24:11.000 It could be like that guy who punched you, just old school, snot-blowing veteran.

02:24:16.000 His dick tastes like battery acid.

02:24:19.000 It's a dick that's been through the Pacific Southwest.

02:24:22.000 If a guy's just doing meth all day and he comes in your mouth, what do you think that tastes like?

02:24:26.000 Because if they say that a guy drinks orange juice, his cum tastes better.

02:24:30.000 Have you heard that?

02:24:31.000 Yeah.

02:24:32.000 Whenever I heard that, I was like, how many dicks do you have to suck before you figure that out?

02:24:35.000 You get away from me.

02:24:41.000 What are you, a fucking scientist?

02:24:43.000 Are you a sucking dick with a lab coat on?

02:24:45.000 Taking notes?

02:24:46.000 Hmm, asparagus.

02:24:47.000 Not recommended.

02:24:50.000 Swishing it around in your mouth like you're a wine connoisseur.

02:24:53.000 That's something you always hear.

02:24:55.000 Right?

02:24:55.000 If a guy eats pineapples.

02:24:57.000 If a guy eats pineapples, his cum tastes better.

02:24:59.000 Right.

02:25:00.000 But conversely, if you just knew nothing but smoking meth, your loads have to taste like hot death.

02:25:05.000 Yeah.

02:25:06.000 And it's fucking lumpy.

02:25:09.000 Pesticide.

02:25:10.000 Your loads taste like Roundup.

02:25:16.000 It's not good when you have to chew it.

02:25:19.000 It's not much either.

02:25:21.000 It's like a fucking Hershey's kiss.

02:25:28.000 Swallow it!

02:25:28.000 I gotta chew it first!

02:25:29.000 I gotta chew it first!

02:25:32.000 Oh, motherfucker!

02:25:35.000 Fuck!

02:25:37.000 Then she's immediately tripping on meth.

02:25:39.000 She's out of her mind.

02:25:41.000 Do you remember when that actor, the fuck is his name?

02:25:43.000 Tom Sizemore.

02:25:44.000 Yeah.

02:25:44.000 Remember when Tom Sizemore went off the rails?

02:25:47.000 Yeah.

02:25:47.000 And did a porn?

02:25:48.000 Yeah.

02:25:49.000 And like, they would play his thing on Opie and Anthony all the time.

02:25:52.000 Because when he was coming, he was like, Oh!

02:25:56.000 Motherfucker!

02:26:00.000 Just a cracked out load.

02:26:02.000 There's nothing like the sound of a man orgasm where he knows he's just off the rails.

02:26:09.000 He's off the rails, on meth, making a porn.

02:26:12.000 He was in Saving Private Ryan.

02:26:13.000 Here he is.

02:26:16.000 That's as primal as it gets.

02:26:18.000 It's like the pure id being expressed.

02:26:20.000 Yeah, look at him.

02:26:21.000 Just fuck it.

02:26:22.000 Can you play it?

02:26:22.000 No, it's illegal.

02:26:24.000 Can't even show you this.

02:26:25.000 Oh, is it illegal for you to play the audio?

02:26:27.000 Can't show this.

02:26:28.000 He was a madman.

02:26:29.000 He was a madman.

02:26:30.000 Wait, how do you decide which clips you're allowed to play?

02:26:32.000 There's a tit on that, so I guess we can't play that.

02:26:35.000 Get it away!

02:26:35.000 Get it off!

02:26:36.000 Get it off!

02:26:37.000 Get it off the screen!

02:26:38.000 Get it off the screen!

02:26:39.000 I met him a long time ago.

02:26:41.000 I did a show on VH1 called The List.

02:26:45.000 Yeah, yeah, I remember that.

02:26:46.000 I was the host of it.

02:26:47.000 You were the host of The List?

02:26:49.000 I was one of the weeks that rotated people.

02:26:52.000 So I think I did two...

02:26:55.000 Maybe three episodes, but one of them was, I got to meet Rob Halford.

02:26:59.000 I got to meet Rick James.

02:27:01.000 Rick James was like, Michael didn't do nothing to them kids.

02:27:04.000 He was like, we were talking about it, and one of the gals from Baywatch was on the show as well, and she was a mom.

02:27:11.000 God, I can't remember her name.

02:27:13.000 Very, very pretty girl.

02:27:14.000 I forget her name.

02:27:15.000 Married to Nikki Sixx?

02:27:16.000 No, I don't think so.

02:27:18.000 I don't remember which one she was.

02:27:19.000 Anyway, very nice girl.

02:27:21.000 Gina something or another?

02:27:24.000 Anyway, it came up in some way, shape, or form.

02:27:28.000 And she was like, I don't buy it.

02:27:30.000 I don't buy it.

02:27:30.000 And he's like, Michael didn't do nothing to them kids.

02:27:33.000 Michael didn't do nothing to them kids.

02:27:34.000 And that's all bullshit.

02:27:35.000 Let me tell you something, that's all bullshit.

02:27:37.000 And Rick James had been up partying all night.

02:27:39.000 So when he showed up, we were warned that he might not be able to do it.

02:27:43.000 He got there, and you could tell he'd just been up.

02:27:47.000 You know, he's like, I'm suffering from some sort of a cold, so if I can't do this, I can't do this.

02:27:52.000 And we're like, hey man, do what you can do.

02:27:53.000 Do what you can do.

02:27:54.000 But he went out there and plowed through like a trooper.

02:27:57.000 Wow.

02:27:58.000 Yeah, but he was defending Michael Jackson.

02:28:00.000 Michael didn't do nothing.

02:28:02.000 But Michael, what's his face?

02:28:03.000 Tom Sizemore came on, and he had fucking slippers on.

02:28:07.000 He had, like, slippers and a fucking bathrobe.

02:28:09.000 I don't remember what he wore when he sat down, but I remember he showed up with slippers and a bathrobe.

02:28:14.000 I'm like, this guy.

02:28:15.000 He was just...

02:28:16.000 Right when he was just going off the rails.

02:28:19.000 Yeah.

02:28:19.000 Like, right when he was going...

02:28:20.000 It was supposed to be him and Val Kilmer.

02:28:22.000 And Val Kilmer was out partying all night, and then he was with him, and he's just like...

02:28:26.000 Val Kilmer's like, fuck it, I'm not going.

02:28:28.000 Val Kilmer was gonna do the list?

02:28:30.000 Yes.

02:28:31.000 Val Kilmer was off the rails.

02:28:33.000 Don't you remember when Val Kilmer got huge fat and went crazy?

02:28:36.000 Oh, that's right.

02:28:36.000 He did a play.

02:28:37.000 Remember he did a play for a while and everybody was like, what the fuck is Val Kilmer doing?

02:28:41.000 Partying.

02:28:41.000 Yeah.

02:28:42.000 He was just going off.

02:28:43.000 He was just having fun.

02:28:44.000 And it was during that time that Sizemore showed up.

02:28:47.000 He was a very nice guy.

02:28:48.000 Yeah.

02:28:48.000 Super nice guy.

02:28:50.000 Meth, huh?

02:28:50.000 I don't know what he was doing.

02:28:52.000 He was doing a bunch of shit, but then he wound up on Celebrity Rehab, remember?

02:28:54.000 Oh, okay.

02:28:55.000 Oh, that's right.

02:28:56.000 Yeah.

02:28:57.000 Several seasons.

02:28:58.000 Was he?

02:28:58.000 Oh, yeah.

02:28:59.000 Oh, that's right.

02:29:00.000 He was on with Heidi Fleiss.

02:29:01.000 Like, Heidi Fleiss was like his girlfriend.

02:29:02.000 Yeah.

02:29:03.000 That fucking Celebrity Rehab show.

02:29:05.000 Could you imagine if you tried to do that today?

02:29:08.000 Oh, they don't do it anymore?

02:29:10.000 No!

02:29:11.000 You're exploiting people.

02:29:13.000 It's the worst time you could ever have someone in front of cameras when they're most vulnerable.

02:29:18.000 Yeah.

02:29:19.000 They're recovering from addiction.

02:29:20.000 You don't think that that's an impediment to recovery?

02:29:23.000 Putting them on camera?

02:29:25.000 Yeah.

02:29:25.000 Following cameras around them while they're trying to detox and figure their fucking life out?

02:29:29.000 And you're giving them massive amounts of attention.

02:29:31.000 You're putting them on shooting schedules.

02:29:32.000 You got lav mics on them and shit.

02:29:34.000 And they start having affairs.

02:29:35.000 You encourage it.

02:29:36.000 I mean, you're supposed to discourage it.

02:29:38.000 It is crazy.

02:29:38.000 It's everything that AA is not.

02:29:40.000 It's the opposite of anonymous.

02:29:42.000 Do you ever hear Doug Stanhope's bid on it?

02:29:44.000 No.

02:29:44.000 Doug Stanhope tortured Dr. Drew.

02:29:46.000 Oh, really?

02:29:47.000 Tortured him.

02:29:48.000 And he's 100% right.

02:29:49.000 Yeah.

02:29:50.000 Like, look, they allowed that show to happen.

02:29:53.000 Dr. Drew figured, like, look, I'm a competent doctor.

02:29:55.000 I'll take care of it.

02:29:56.000 I'll make sure everything's fine.

02:29:57.000 Yeah.

02:29:57.000 And at least it'll expose, like, you could rationalize it.

02:29:59.000 It'll expose to people what it's like.

02:30:02.000 To, you know, go through this, and you see celebrities and movie stars going through this, but a lot of it wasn't celebrities and movie stars.

02:30:09.000 It was like sort of celebrities, like Angie Dickinson, where there's some guy on the show, some young guy, wasn't even famous.

02:30:15.000 Sylvester Stallone's brother.

02:30:16.000 Oh, was he on?

02:30:17.000 I think so.

02:30:18.000 I shouldn't say that.

02:30:19.000 Julia Roberts' brother.

02:30:20.000 I don't know if that's true.

02:30:20.000 Eric Roberts was on.

02:30:21.000 Was he?

02:30:22.000 And he was on for Pot.

02:30:23.000 It was hilarious.

02:30:24.000 Oh, God, really?

02:30:25.000 Everybody else is all fucked up.

02:30:26.000 This dude's...

02:30:27.000 He's got a newspaper out.

02:30:29.000 He's drinking coffee.

02:30:29.000 Good morning!

02:30:30.000 They're all shakes.

02:30:31.000 They're all shitting themselves, sweating through the night.

02:30:34.000 He's, like, going through zero withdrawals.

02:30:37.000 He's literally reading the Times over a cup of coffee with his feet up on the beach.

02:30:42.000 They're in, like, Balibu somewhere in some serene environment.

02:30:46.000 Right.

02:30:47.000 Well, that's the thing, too, is, like...

02:30:49.000 When you go to these rehabs, that shit is expensive, and it's like a resort.

02:30:53.000 It is.

02:30:53.000 You're going to do yoga, then you do a meditation, maybe you get a fucking massage.

02:30:59.000 Beautiful.

02:30:59.000 You're drinking all green blended drinks.

02:31:02.000 And meanwhile, who's paying for it?

02:31:04.000 All the people that didn't have all the fun partying.

02:31:07.000 Um, I think you're paying for it.

02:31:09.000 No.

02:31:10.000 Who pays for it?

02:31:11.000 The state only pays for so much, right?

02:31:13.000 No, but I mean, say your brother gets all fucked up, you sent him to rehab, you're paying for it.

02:31:18.000 Oh, that's the worst.

02:31:20.000 If you have a brother that's a coke addict, and you have, like, say if you have a family and your wife's like, you're not fucking paying for it, Greg!

02:31:25.000 Greg, he's gotta get his shit together, okay?

02:31:28.000 The fucking, we need that money for Johnny's college!

02:31:31.000 Yeah.

02:31:33.000 This is the fourth time he's gotten fucked up in two years!

02:31:37.000 And then your wife's like, let's just kill him.

02:31:39.000 Let's just kill him.

02:31:40.000 You know your brother's a fucking loser.

02:31:42.000 Let's kill him.

02:31:43.000 Let's take out a Boston University life insurance.

02:31:46.000 Yeah.

02:31:47.000 Not only we get rid of him, we'll make a couple bucks on the back end.

02:31:50.000 Let's take him fishing.

02:31:52.000 Club him over the head, throw him in the ocean.

02:31:54.000 Godfather style.

02:31:55.000 Godfather style.

02:31:56.000 How many people have done that?

02:31:57.000 How many people have killed loved ones they thought were losers just for a life insurance policy?

02:32:01.000 Oh, all the time.

02:32:02.000 All the time.

02:32:02.000 Yeah.

02:32:03.000 If you could see the numbers of how many people have killed loved ones for money.

02:32:08.000 Like, oh, money.

02:32:12.000 Yeah, I mean, that's what that whole dark internet is about.

02:32:17.000 You know, getting a hitman to take out your husband.

02:32:22.000 That's why I got a one million dollar insurance policy for my wife.

02:32:26.000 Any more than that, she fucking wants me gone.

02:32:29.000 That's a good point.

02:32:30.000 One million lets her get her shit together.

02:32:32.000 You don't have to pay taxes on that anymore.

02:32:34.000 That's one good thing from Trump.

02:32:35.000 The key is you set up a shell, like we have a shell, that it would pay into.

02:32:41.000 What I'm thinking is actually inheritance tax.

02:32:43.000 Oh.

02:32:44.000 Inheritance tax.

02:32:45.000 Like if your kids inherited your money.

02:32:46.000 Right.

02:32:47.000 Like if you left your kids $500,000.

02:32:49.000 Yeah.

02:32:49.000 Your kids would have to pay off half of that to the government.

02:32:52.000 So they really would only get $250,000.

02:32:54.000 And the government, Uncle Sam, would be like, yeah, I like my cut.

02:32:56.000 That's right.

02:32:57.000 I like to take my cut.

02:32:58.000 I like to wet my beak.

02:32:59.000 Meanwhile, Trump's right.

02:33:01.000 He's like, well, this is fucked up because that money's already been taxed.

02:33:03.000 Like somebody earned that money.

02:33:04.000 It's given to you as a gift when they die.

02:33:05.000 Like you shouldn't have to pay.

02:33:06.000 It's not earned income.

02:33:08.000 It Well, first of all, it's only over $1.8 million for a couple.

02:33:12.000 And my feeling is...

02:33:14.000 $1.8 million?

02:33:15.000 What do you mean?

02:33:16.000 That's the...

02:33:16.000 You don't pay any inheritance tax on under $1.8 million.

02:33:20.000 Is that true?

02:33:20.000 Yeah.

02:33:21.000 So, to me, it feels like the framers of the Constitution had come from Europe, where money had been handed down through generations, aristocracies, useless, wasteful, dangerous motherfuckers.

02:33:33.000 And when they set up the Constitution, they said, we need to have...

02:33:36.000 An estate tax to try to keep the money from all ending up in the hands of a few families.

02:33:41.000 And so I'm all for it.

02:33:43.000 I think that, you know, if you end up with more than $1.8 million, your kids are set as well as their educations will be set.

02:33:51.000 That's a down payment on the house.

02:33:52.000 And then let them earn their fucking way.

02:33:54.000 That's a good point, actually.

02:33:55.000 I never thought about it that way.

02:33:57.000 You know what I didn't think, actually, honestly, is where does that, or I did think, rather, that I have the problem with is the money's going to go to the government.

02:34:04.000 That's the problem, is where does the money go?

02:34:05.000 Yeah.

02:34:06.000 It'd be one thing if you had an inheritance tax and it went towards a worthwhile charity, like a legitimate charity.

02:34:12.000 You should be able to pick your charity.

02:34:13.000 Right.

02:34:13.000 Absolutely.

02:34:14.000 That's the way to do it.

02:34:15.000 Instead of giving it to the government and they spend it as they wish, they don't even have to have a fucking receipt.

02:34:19.000 Yeah.

02:34:19.000 They don't have to have an audit of what they do.

02:34:22.000 Well, you look at what Warren Buffett is doing now.

02:34:24.000 He's giving it away before he dies.

02:34:26.000 That's what you got to do.

02:34:26.000 If you want to control where it goes, give it away, save a couple million, because that's what your kids will get, and fucking give the rest away the way you want to.

02:34:34.000 He's basically giving it all away.

02:34:36.000 99% of it.

02:34:37.000 That's so insane.

02:34:38.000 He's worth so much money.

02:34:39.000 There's a documentary about him that's really crazy.

02:34:40.000 I mean, this guy, like, he literally lives in the same house he bought when he first moved to Omaha, Nebraska.

02:34:47.000 Yeah.

02:34:48.000 How's that possible?

02:34:49.000 Who watches his house?

02:34:51.000 People must want to kidnap him all the time.

02:34:53.000 He's right there on the street.

02:34:55.000 They fucking show a picture of it.

02:34:57.000 Does he have guards?

02:34:58.000 No.

02:34:59.000 Come on.

02:34:59.000 He drives to the same McDonald's every morning.

02:35:02.000 Does he?

02:35:02.000 And he either gets an Egg McMuffin with sausage or the Egg McMuffin with bacon, depending on if the stock market is up or down.

02:35:08.000 Oh, Jesus.

02:35:09.000 And he knows the exact...

02:35:10.000 He goes, it's $1.68.

02:35:12.000 I have that exact amount of money.

02:35:14.000 He's fucking nuts.

02:35:16.000 He's like, really...

02:35:18.000 Just flies commercial.

02:35:20.000 Yeah, he takes coach seats, right?

02:35:21.000 I think so.

02:35:22.000 Jesus Christ.

02:35:24.000 Drives a fucking...

02:35:25.000 Old, shitty-ass car.

02:35:26.000 I don't know if it's old, but it's like nothing.

02:35:28.000 It's a nothing car.

02:35:31.000 Maybe people don't believe he's that rich.

02:35:32.000 Maybe that's why they don't rob him.

02:35:34.000 I think he's like the fifth richest person in the world or something.

02:35:38.000 Well, I think public person.

02:35:39.000 I think the real issue is like those Saudi Arab Arab prince dudes who don't have to report their income.

02:35:45.000 Yeah.

02:35:46.000 Make that oil cash, son.

02:35:48.000 Yeah.

02:35:48.000 Make that deep oil cash.

02:35:50.000 Send their kids to New York City.

02:35:52.000 They're living in fucking five floors of an apartment building.

02:35:55.000 What was that thing you were telling me before the podcast started about Eric Prince, who used to be the head of Blackwater?

02:36:02.000 There's some news story that just broke out about the United Arab Emirates.

02:36:05.000 Oh, right.

02:36:07.000 Arranging some sort of a meeting.

02:36:08.000 It was a thing where they were setting up some backwater communication between Trump and a major Russian official who's got close ties to Putin.

02:36:21.000 And the Blackwater guy was orchestrating the deal.

02:36:24.000 It's in the Washington Post right now.

02:36:27.000 Fake news!

02:36:28.000 You are fake news!

02:36:29.000 It happened the first week of January, right before he took office.

02:36:34.000 Whoa.

02:36:37.000 Back channel.

02:36:39.000 In some island.

02:36:41.000 The Seychelles Islands.

02:36:43.000 So they met there?

02:36:44.000 Yeah.

02:36:47.000 So who met?

02:36:50.000 Someone from the administration?

02:36:52.000 This guy, Eric Prince, who's the founder of Blackwater, does not get much more evil than that.

02:36:58.000 Well, they changed the name to something else, and then he moved to, I think, the United Arab Emirates.

02:37:05.000 Oh, is that right?

02:37:06.000 And he became the security guy for the United Arab Emirates.

02:37:09.000 Oh.

02:37:10.000 Yeah.

02:37:10.000 They essentially have their own army of high-level mercenaries.

02:37:16.000 They were meeting to explore whether Russia could be persuaded to curtail its relationship with Iran, including in Syria.

02:37:23.000 I think what happened with the Erik Prince guy is that once the Arab Spring shit started going down, some of those super rich guys were like, uh, yeah, let's fucking not have this happen over here.

02:37:34.000 Yeah.

02:37:35.000 Let's put together a serious strategy.

02:37:38.000 And so they went with that guy.

02:37:40.000 Wow.

02:37:41.000 They had so much money.

02:37:42.000 So much money!

02:37:43.000 Well, who knows how much money they have?

02:37:46.000 Someone told me they have trillions, but I don't know if that, is that documented?

02:37:50.000 I don't know.

02:37:51.000 What's the richest person in the world is not, like, the richest public person.

02:37:55.000 Like, the richest public person used to be Bill Gates, and then there was some Mexican telecom guy.

02:38:00.000 Oh, yeah.

02:38:00.000 Remember that dude?

02:38:01.000 Yeah.

02:38:02.000 But it's also, I think the money is spread out through these royal families, and none of the money goes to the Saudis, you know, the citizens.

02:38:11.000 No, they don't get any of it.

02:38:13.000 There's these royal families that have fucking hundreds of members, and the money all gets filtered throughout the family.

02:38:20.000 Crazy.

02:38:21.000 And they each have nine kids and...

02:38:23.000 What's crazy is that that didn't used to be the case until like, what, the 50s or 60s?

02:38:27.000 Like whenever they established these empires.

02:38:29.000 Is that right?

02:38:30.000 What kind of money?

02:38:31.000 They weren't getting oil out of there.

02:38:32.000 Once they started getting oil out of there, they just...

02:38:34.000 Like, you ever seen the growth of Dubai over the past 30 years?

02:38:38.000 Oh, yeah.

02:38:38.000 Like a time-lapse images of the growth of Dubai.

02:38:41.000 As islands pop up out of sandbars.

02:38:44.000 They make...

02:38:44.000 Islands.

02:38:45.000 Yeah.

02:38:45.000 They make their own islands.

02:38:47.000 And they have an ocean break to stop the islands from getting swamped.

02:38:50.000 But one of the major, there's a huge high rise on one of the islands.

02:38:54.000 It just sank like five feet.

02:38:57.000 Into the fucking sand.

02:39:00.000 Oh my god.

02:39:02.000 Oh my god.

02:39:03.000 They built a high rise on sand.

02:39:06.000 Oh my god.

02:39:07.000 Yeah.

02:39:08.000 It just keeps sinking.

02:39:09.000 It's gonna go Leaning Tower Pisa style.

02:39:11.000 That's right.

02:39:13.000 What do they do?

02:39:14.000 Demolish it?

02:39:15.000 You know, they bring girls from the U.S. over there.

02:39:18.000 Holla?

02:39:18.000 From Russia?

02:39:19.000 They say you want it from Russia, but I hear stories about U.S. girls, too.

02:39:23.000 Go over there to get that paper?

02:39:24.000 They think they're going to go get a little...

02:39:26.000 Get that paper.

02:39:27.000 Going to date one guy, you're going to date a whole family.

02:39:30.000 Well, you ever heard what the Sultan of Brunei, how he used to rock it?

02:39:33.000 No.

02:39:33.000 He used to have a disco in his house.

02:39:36.000 And he would pay these girls extraordinary amounts of money, stay there for months at a time.

02:39:40.000 He'd have like 50 of them there.

02:39:41.000 And he would just come down and go, you, let's do it.

02:39:45.000 And he would just come down the disco, just fucking slide down the railing in his gold underwear and just start dancing.

02:39:51.000 Wow.

02:39:52.000 And just pick one and throw the dick to her and then go, I'll see you in a week or so.

02:39:57.000 And then they would just stick around, do whatever they had to do.

02:39:59.000 They'd go to the gym, work out, get their toes done, and he'd pick a new one all the time.

02:40:03.000 Wow.

02:40:04.000 He just had so much money.

02:40:07.000 One prostitute was like, that's not good enough.

02:40:09.000 Yeah.

02:40:10.000 I want girls who are not prostitutes to become prostitutes.

02:40:13.000 Yeah.

02:40:14.000 So he just went, deep!

02:40:16.000 What about Melania Trump?

02:40:20.000 How dare you?

02:40:21.000 That's the first lady.

02:40:22.000 Son of a bitch.

02:40:23.000 It's equal pay day, bro.

02:40:26.000 She's going to have the equal pay when she divorces him.

02:40:29.000 She's waiting to divorce that motherfucker.

02:40:31.000 You know that!

02:40:32.000 Oh, she doesn't even want to live with him.

02:40:33.000 She doesn't want to live with him.

02:40:35.000 She's like, listen, our son, he's only 10, can't kick him out of the school.

02:40:39.000 He's got to stay in the school.

02:40:40.000 10-year-olds can't move.

02:40:41.000 No, they can't move.

02:40:42.000 They can't move to Washington to be near a dad who grabs women's pussies and admits it.

02:40:47.000 Or who's the president.

02:40:48.000 Someone said something really funny.

02:40:50.000 I forget who it was.

02:40:51.000 They said, is that the first lady or is that a flight attendant on the first flight to Mars?

02:40:59.000 Yeah, she's living with a lot of mixed feelings right now.

02:41:03.000 Jesus, look at her ring.

02:41:04.000 Yeah.

02:41:05.000 Look at that fucking ring.

02:41:06.000 Good lord.

02:41:07.000 Dude, she grew up in a fucking mud town in Eastern Europe.

02:41:10.000 Dude, that ring is insane.

02:41:13.000 That ring is like, how much is that ring worth?

02:41:16.000 Let's guess.

02:41:17.000 Let's take a guess, because I'm sure it's on the internet.

02:41:19.000 I would say her ring is worth five million dollars.

02:41:23.000 I'm going with 20. Really?

02:41:25.000 20 million dollars.

02:41:27.000 Find out.

02:41:27.000 Find out, young Jamie.

02:41:29.000 I got bold as fuck right there.

02:41:31.000 I hope you noticed that.

02:41:32.000 Alyssa Milano calls out.

02:41:34.000 What is she calling out?

02:41:35.000 Melania Trump's giant diamond rings in official portrait.

02:41:38.000 Why is he calling out the rings?

02:41:39.000 What?

02:41:40.000 Come on, Alyssa.

02:41:42.000 What's she getting mad at?

02:41:43.000 Some blood diamonds.

02:41:44.000 Is that what it is?

02:41:45.000 25 carat...

02:41:47.000 $3 million ring.

02:41:48.000 Damn, I'm so wrong.

02:41:50.000 What did you pick?

02:41:50.000 I said five.

02:41:52.000 It's 25 carats.

02:41:54.000 25 carat.

02:41:55.000 So what is Milana?

02:41:57.000 What's her problem?

02:41:59.000 It's too baller?

02:42:00.000 She can't handle it?

02:42:01.000 I heard Milania met Donald on Fuck Island, which is one of these islands.

02:42:08.000 It's real?

02:42:09.000 Yeah, they bring Eastern European women there, and then billionaires show up, and they all just fuck.

02:42:16.000 We gotta get richer, dude.

02:42:19.000 You wanna go to Fuck Island?

02:42:23.000 We gotta get an invite.

02:42:23.000 If it all goes sour, we're going to Fuck Island.

02:42:26.000 If it all goes wrong, your wife leaves you, mine leaves me.

02:42:30.000 We're like, look, dude, we're not getting any younger.

02:42:31.000 Yeah.

02:42:32.000 Listen, who cares what everybody says?

02:42:33.000 Let's go to Fuck Island!

02:42:34.000 Then we start going, and after a while, it's just like, dude, what are you doing Tuesday?

02:42:38.000 You wanna go to Fuck Island?

02:42:38.000 Alright.

02:42:39.000 He'll go to Fuck Island.

02:42:40.000 Dude, we'd be barbacks on Fuck Island.

02:42:42.000 Yes!

02:42:42.000 We'd be hoping that we'd be able to, look, all we have to do is we work there, we get a job there, I'll carry the ice, you carry the beer.

02:42:49.000 Come on!

02:42:50.000 Dude, we're definitely gonna...

02:42:51.000 Duh!

02:42:56.000 You and me on Fuck Island drinking Miller Lite on the beach going, we gotta get out of here.

02:42:59.000 They took our passports though.

02:43:04.000 But we'd be laying down the real dick, because these billionaires can't fuck, and these women would be getting horny after a while.

02:43:10.000 I think so?

02:43:11.000 These billionaires are on Viagra and meth, and they're just slamming it in.

02:43:15.000 They probably have helmets on, like exoskeletons, and make them fuck harder, like some sort of an artificial spine that connects at the shoulders like a football outfit.

02:43:24.000 And you hear the hydrog, while they're just slamming in.

02:43:30.000 This Viagra meth-fueled dick.

02:43:33.000 They get a doctor that's right there taking vitals at all times.

02:43:36.000 They just have enough Viagra so their veins pump up so fat and thick that they almost black out.

02:43:43.000 It's like a fine line.

02:43:44.000 You've got to get them right to the edge.

02:43:46.000 They're seeing those...

02:43:48.000 You ever get punched and you see stars?

02:43:49.000 They see those stars while they're fucking.

02:43:51.000 They're almost going out.

02:43:54.000 That's what they're doing.

02:43:56.000 And then when they come, they just throw an oxygen mask on them and rub their feet.

02:43:59.000 When they come, they throw the girl right off the yacht.

02:44:05.000 You're spent!

02:44:06.000 She's like a spent cartridge.

02:44:08.000 And they have floaties on.

02:44:09.000 The girls wear floaties.

02:44:11.000 Because they know it's coming.

02:44:17.000 They swim to shore.

02:44:17.000 They collect their check.

02:44:19.000 They get on a plane.

02:44:19.000 They don't say shit.

02:44:20.000 They don't say shit.

02:44:21.000 It's a room in the water.

02:44:22.000 It's just a bidet.

02:44:23.000 Clean out the undercarriage and send her home.

02:44:26.000 All of a sudden, homegirl's got a Jaguar convertible.

02:44:28.000 Where'd you get that Jaguar?

02:44:30.000 Whatever.

02:44:32.000 I think it's darker than that.

02:44:34.000 I don't think you leave Fuck Island.

02:44:36.000 You just stay?

02:44:37.000 I think as the guy is fucking blasting his last dribble inside of you, you feel a cold barrel of a handgun on the back of your head.

02:44:45.000 Jesus.

02:44:46.000 They just bury you on Fuck Island?

02:44:47.000 That's it.

02:44:48.000 I guess if there's certain countries, obviously...

02:44:51.000 North Korea, right?

02:44:52.000 That guy's killing people left and right.

02:44:54.000 You can get away with killing people in certain countries, like 100%.

02:44:57.000 Yeah.

02:44:57.000 Like, he killed his half-brother.

02:44:59.000 He killed...

02:45:00.000 Who did?

02:45:00.000 Kim Jong-un.

02:45:02.000 Hell yeah.

02:45:02.000 He hired someone to do that, and apparently they didn't know they were doing it.

02:45:05.000 Apparently they were doing a prank.

02:45:07.000 They thought they were doing a prank, and they squirted him with something.

02:45:09.000 It turned out to be some neurotoxin that fucking zapped him and killed him.

02:45:12.000 But he killed some guy who was a general, because he thought that it was like his uncle.

02:45:18.000 That he thought was trying to usurp him.

02:45:20.000 Yeah, I remember that, right.

02:45:21.000 He killed his kids, too.

02:45:22.000 Because he didn't want his sons taking revenge.

02:45:25.000 So he killed his sons.

02:45:26.000 Wow, that's hard.

02:45:28.000 So that's going on right now.

02:45:29.000 If that's going on, someone could shoot some crazy Croatian chick on Fuck Island.

02:45:33.000 Oh, yeah.

02:45:36.000 Someone should do a documentary on Fuck Island.

02:45:38.000 Now, that's allegedly, by the way, just in case the president is listening.

02:45:42.000 I bet he didn't.

02:45:43.000 He's an outstanding man.

02:45:44.000 How do you think he met her?

02:45:45.000 Perfect grooming.

02:45:46.000 He met her on a J-date.

02:45:52.000 She swiped right.

02:45:53.000 Is it right or left?

02:45:55.000 Right.

02:45:55.000 She swiped right.

02:45:56.000 He swiped right.

02:45:57.000 Party began.

02:45:58.000 They met up at a Starbucks for a coffee date first.

02:46:01.000 Keep it safe.

02:46:03.000 Oh, see, she's upset.

02:46:05.000 Kim Jong-un offered no trace of him left behind down to his hair, according to sources in Seoul, South Korea.

02:46:13.000 Whoa.

02:46:14.000 The vice minister of the army was executed with a mortar round.

02:46:19.000 For reportedly drinking and carousing during the official mourning period for Kim Jong Il's death.

02:46:25.000 Holy shit.

02:46:26.000 The vice minister of the army, they shot him with a mortar round.

02:46:31.000 This is a different guy.

02:46:33.000 Holy fuck, man.

02:46:35.000 Trinking and carousing during the mourning period.

02:46:38.000 Oh my god.

02:46:39.000 They use an anti-aircraft gun.

02:46:41.000 Following the mortar round method, it seems that Kim stepped up his bloodlust a bit with his use of an anti-aircraft gun.

02:46:49.000 Anti-aircraft guns to annihilate his perceived enemies.

02:46:53.000 He used anti-aircraft guns on people.

02:46:56.000 No shit.

02:46:58.000 And on that note, folks, it's been a wonderful podcast.

02:47:01.000 I hope you, wherever you are, I hope you're happy.

02:47:04.000 I hope you're happy you're not in North Korea.

02:47:06.000 And if you're in North Korea, just gotta learn how to swim.

02:47:09.000 Hang in there.

02:47:10.000 We'll be there soon.

02:47:11.000 Get to South Korea.

02:47:12.000 Gotta swim.

02:47:13.000 Gotta make the jump.

02:47:14.000 Greg Fitzsimmons coming up soon.

02:47:16.000 Helium in Philly.

02:47:17.000 Helium in Philly.

02:47:19.000 Denver Comedy Works.

02:47:20.000 Greg with Fitzdog Radio.

02:47:22.000 Fitzdog Radio is the podcast.

02:47:24.000 Joe Rogan's going to be on soon.

02:47:25.000 Holla.

02:47:26.000 This is probably our best podcast ever.

02:47:27.000 This was good.

02:47:28.000 I fucking howled.

02:47:28.000 Yeah.

02:47:29.000 All right, folks.

02:47:30.000 That's it.

02:47:30.000 We'll be back tomorrow.

02:47:33.000 Who do I have tomorrow?

02:47:34.000 Tomorrow.

02:47:34.000 Oh, Dan Flores.

02:47:35.000 I'm very excited.

02:47:36.000 The author, Dan Flores, Coyote Investigator, author of Coyote America, and American Serengeti.

02:47:42.000 So that should be great.

02:47:43.000 See you.

02:47:43.000 Bye.

02:47:47.000 Yeah, that was awesome.

The Joe Rogan Experience - April 04, 2017

Joe Rogan Experience #941 - Greg Fitzsimmons

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