This Past Weekend with Theo Von - #574

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00:00:30.000 I want to let you know, we have these new hoodies, the Onward hoodies, in the merch shop.

00:00:34.340 These are my favorite template of hoodie ever, that we've ever had.

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00:00:44.340 And thank you so much for your support.

00:00:46.980 Today's guest is a stand-up comedian.

00:00:50.120 He has two podcasts, Tuesdays with Stories, with Joe List, and We Might Be Drunk with Sam Murrell.

00:00:56.900 He's touring all over this year.

00:01:01.560 He's a one-of-one.

00:01:02.880 He's a new father.

00:01:04.200 And he has a new series out called Page to Stage, where comedians take something from their notebook and you see it build until it gets performed.

00:01:15.120 Today's guest is a one-of-one, my Louisiana brethren, Mr. Mark Norman.

00:01:20.880 Shine on me, and I will find a song I've been singing.

00:01:29.600 I'm up.

00:01:31.940 Are you flying out today?

00:01:40.660 Yeah.

00:01:41.200 My stepdad is sick, so I've got to go see him.

00:01:43.080 Oh, jeez.

00:01:43.420 Sorry.

00:01:43.500 I know I'm bummed.

00:01:44.080 I wanted to be there for Kill Tony.

00:01:45.720 Oh, yeah.

00:01:46.980 Are you doing it?

00:01:47.760 Doing it with Kid Rock, so that'll be...

00:01:49.320 I'm going to try to...

00:01:49.940 No!

00:01:49.960 I'm going to really zing him.

00:01:51.660 That's the only way I can get to him, because if I do it at his house, he'll, you know,

00:01:55.380 sick his security guards on me and call me the N-word.

00:01:57.520 Dude, I didn't know...

00:01:58.980 Oh, yeah.

00:01:59.880 Dude, he has a dog that can say the N-word I saw.

00:02:04.340 Was it a, what, Black Lab, I hope?

00:02:06.420 Oh, yeah, dude.

00:02:08.580 BLM, bro.

00:02:09.820 Black Labs Matter.

00:02:10.920 Of course it is, dude.

00:02:12.440 Hopefully it's not a German Shepherd.

00:02:13.720 He thought a Black Lab was a place where they tested barbecue sauce.

00:02:17.260 I was like, here, get on, Mike.

00:02:19.060 That's where they make sickle cell.

00:02:20.600 I was like, bro, that's not...

00:02:22.880 I was like, Bob, you got the wrong idea, man.

00:02:25.140 So you're doing Kill Tony coming up?

00:02:28.120 Tonight, yeah.

00:02:29.060 Tonight.

00:02:29.780 Oh, yeah, at the, what is it, the Bridgestone?

00:02:31.840 Oh, yeah.

00:02:32.700 Yeah, very exciting.

00:02:34.260 I feel like Nate Bargatze.

00:02:35.700 Yeah, I know, huh?

00:02:36.760 Have you done one on that big of a level?

00:02:38.640 Oh, that's big, man.

00:02:39.860 No, no.

00:02:40.360 I've done arena shows, but I've never done like a panel with jokes and zingers, and that's

00:02:44.880 going to be weird, just making fun of these poor open micers in front of 20,000 people.

00:02:49.300 Dude, and imagine them getting up there, that many people.

00:02:52.440 They're going to be shook.

00:02:54.140 Oh, yeah.

00:02:54.760 How could you have a good set?

00:02:57.840 That's insane.

00:02:58.520 I mean, it's like losing your virginity to Pamela Anderson.

00:03:02.820 Well, that's a bad, that's a dated...

00:03:04.420 Who's the new hot lady?

00:03:06.120 Um, who is it now?

00:03:07.900 Oprah?

00:03:08.660 No, it's...

00:03:09.480 Give me a Rihanna.

00:03:10.860 Who do the kids like?

00:03:11.860 Oh, aw.

00:03:12.980 Sydney Sweeney.

00:03:14.040 Sydney Sweeney.

00:03:14.300 That's a good one.

00:03:14.880 Look at the tits on dickless.

00:03:17.300 God.

00:03:18.240 Oh, wow.

00:03:19.440 Holy hachi machi.

00:03:20.980 She seems like a beautiful young lady, huh?

00:03:22.620 Very attractive.

00:03:23.720 She just got separated from her husband, I think.

00:03:25.640 Oh, hey, you're in.

00:03:27.440 That's slurp lord.

00:03:28.200 I thought about sending her a message, but I don't know what I would say.

00:03:30.820 Hey, say nice yams, bitch.

00:03:33.040 Oh, yeah, that's true, dude.

00:03:35.200 I think she wants that.

00:03:36.920 No one talks to her like that anymore, so it'll probably turn her on.

00:03:39.420 You think, oh, I'll definitely say something about that vegetation.

00:03:43.480 Yeah, she's got some crop circles.

00:03:45.980 Oh, yeah, brother gang, dude.

00:03:48.340 Is that the ex?

00:03:49.420 That guy looks like an ugly me.

00:03:51.940 Oh, man, I feel great.

00:03:54.040 Yeah, that guy definitely fumbled the breasts.

00:03:58.120 You know what I'm saying, dude?

00:03:59.820 Yeah, right?

00:04:00.500 Yeah, I mean, he looks like an Uber driver.

00:04:02.340 Yeah, dude, it would take you 70 minutes to get her bra on, I think.

00:04:06.900 Yeah, that's a lot to compact in there.

00:04:10.300 Oh, you would have to have a buddy.

00:04:11.540 It would almost have to be like two of those guys doing that slingshot thing or whatever.

00:04:14.440 Yeah, it's like trying to get leaves in a bag.

00:04:17.060 Oh, yeah, dude.

00:04:18.940 Wow.

00:04:19.320 Look, that is a lovely, lovely lady.

00:04:21.260 It's good to know a blonde with huge cans.

00:04:23.620 That's back.

00:04:24.560 Fuck yeah.

00:04:25.160 That's a great point, dude.

00:04:26.820 Yeah, she could be anything.

00:04:28.680 We need flight attendants like this now.

00:04:30.920 Oh, yeah, good.

00:04:32.300 They're all gay now.

00:04:33.300 Oh, they're all gay.

00:04:34.080 Even a woman like you're – I remember trying to hit on this lady, and she'll be like – she's

00:04:40.440 like, I'd love to go out with you, but I'm only going to be a woman for like another week.

00:04:43.540 And I was like, what the fuck, man?

00:04:46.000 Oh, damn.

00:04:47.080 That's what this flight attendant said.

00:04:48.140 I was like, oh, come on.

00:04:49.580 Good Lord.

00:04:50.220 Where's she connecting?

00:04:51.340 In Transville?

00:04:52.620 I know, dude.

00:04:53.580 Yeah.

00:04:53.880 That's crazy.

00:04:54.560 Transville's vain.

00:04:55.240 Yeah.

00:04:55.540 Yeah, dude.

00:04:57.440 Yeah, they're all gay now.

00:04:58.600 They used to be very attractive.

00:05:00.180 It's like these sky homos.

00:05:02.000 They've taken over the air.

00:05:03.800 Yeah, dude.

00:05:05.980 It is – dude, I feel like when you get on, you have to protect your straightness.

00:05:10.500 The second you get on there, I lock in, dude.

00:05:13.600 I tell my penis, I say, you know what we're here for.

00:05:16.100 We're just here to get from A to B.

00:05:17.700 Right, right.

00:05:18.140 Okay?

00:05:18.360 Do not look around.

00:05:19.840 Yes, yes.

00:05:20.980 They're going to tempt you.

00:05:22.540 It'll be like a kind of a guy, you know, like a guy possibly dressed as a woman walking

00:05:26.860 through with liquor or snacks.

00:05:29.920 Or those goldfish.

00:05:32.360 My penis loves goldfish, right?

00:05:33.700 Oh, love a goldfish.

00:05:34.840 So – but do not look over there.

00:05:36.780 You stay straight.

00:05:37.740 We're just – we're going to Cincinnati.

00:05:39.700 Exactly.

00:05:40.440 No place straighter than Cincinnati.

00:05:42.500 That is a straight town right there.

00:05:44.100 It is, dude.

00:05:44.800 They eat chili and watch football.

00:05:46.320 Oh.

00:05:47.180 But – wait, hold on.

00:05:48.280 You said something.

00:05:48.960 Oh, you ever get flattered by the gay love?

00:05:51.740 Yeah.

00:05:52.100 That is very nice when a gay guy's like, hey, cutie or whatever, and you're like, eh, this

00:05:55.600 is pretty good.

00:05:56.100 Yeah.

00:05:56.960 Well, because it's replacing the old thing.

00:05:59.360 It's like you still want the affection.

00:06:01.740 Right.

00:06:02.400 And now it's like a lot of us didn't even have dads, so it's like they're kind of coming

00:06:06.240 at you with that combo meal.

00:06:08.060 Oh.

00:06:08.460 Oh, you get the male attention and flirty.

00:06:12.580 And the female flirty.

00:06:13.760 Yeah, that's good.

00:06:14.700 You get it in one.

00:06:15.600 That's – God, I'd love to be gay.

00:06:17.160 That's a lot of gay guys' thing is don't you want that combo meal?

00:06:20.620 Right.

00:06:21.260 Good point.

00:06:21.900 And you can blow the fucking chrome off your trailer hitch.

00:06:26.000 Oh.

00:06:26.960 Dude, can you – this is insane to be talking about.

00:06:29.840 Sorry.

00:06:30.440 This is God's country.

00:06:31.480 I'm just going to Cincinnati, okay?

00:06:33.380 That's all.

00:06:34.140 You're right, you're right.

00:06:34.720 That's all I'm telling you, Mark.

00:06:35.840 All right, I'm already getting a layover.

00:06:38.400 I'm gay over.

00:06:40.640 But, dude, yeah, there's just something like they – yeah, you see them and they – but

00:06:45.960 yeah, God, could you even imagine some strong guy who was probably like on the neck team

00:06:53.360 in college or whatever, some sporting event like the –

00:06:56.380 Wrestling?

00:06:57.260 Yeah, wrestling or something like that.

00:06:59.400 Oh, yeah.

00:06:59.940 And he just pins your cock to the back of his throat with his tongue or whatever.

00:07:03.520 Woo, easy, big fella.

00:07:05.020 Sorry, that's – that it seems –

00:07:07.080 Anyone else hard?

00:07:08.520 That seems crazy, dude.

00:07:09.820 You're going to make Morgan Wallen uncomfortable.

00:07:11.740 That's true.

00:07:14.560 Oh, man, yeah.

00:07:15.640 It's got to be nice to be the gay.

00:07:16.820 What about Glory Hole?

00:07:17.820 Is that real?

00:07:18.780 There was one at –

00:07:20.000 What?

00:07:20.700 You know of one?

00:07:21.660 There was one at Louisiana State when I was at LSU.

00:07:23.800 Shut the fuck up.

00:07:24.820 Yeah.

00:07:24.980 How did I miss that?

00:07:25.740 I went there for a semester.

00:07:26.940 Yeah, bring up Glory Hole LSU.

00:07:29.120 What?

00:07:29.440 They had one, and you know where it was?

00:07:31.540 I think it was in – I want to say the library.

00:07:36.440 Whoa.

00:07:37.340 Damn, they plugged that hole.

00:07:38.540 Look at that.

00:07:39.520 Oh, there's one right there taking a dump in Tarot.

00:07:42.300 That's one of those – one of the holes there.

00:07:44.860 Oh, there it is right there.

00:07:46.020 Whoa.

00:07:46.740 Look at that.

00:07:47.940 Look at that.

00:07:48.880 Damn.

00:07:49.240 You could even look through there if you wanted to, which is nice.

00:07:51.460 But it's hard to look through there when there's a wiener coming through.

00:07:55.200 Take your eye out.

00:07:56.360 Yeah, dude.

00:07:57.140 Don't be that weirdo that's trying to sightsee at a Glory Hole.

00:08:01.840 Yeah, you just got to – you got to trust the hole.

00:08:04.080 You got to go with it.

00:08:04.760 Whatever comes through, you got to eat it.

00:08:06.880 That's the hole.

00:08:08.100 Dude, that's the original game show right there.

00:08:11.540 Oh, yes.

00:08:12.880 That's great.

00:08:13.820 Yeah, now it's like – I'm thinking of what it's called now.

00:08:16.320 It's like the floor is lava, dude.

00:08:19.580 Right.

00:08:19.920 But nothing – that has nothing on the Glory Hole is open.

00:08:26.260 That's a great point.

00:08:27.480 Yeah, and you never know who's on the other side.

00:08:29.220 It could be your teacher, your brother, your pastor.

00:08:31.940 I mean, that's a real gamble.

00:08:33.740 Oh, yeah.

00:08:34.460 It could be your pastor.

00:08:35.620 It could be your future, dude.

00:08:36.880 It could be some gay dude you're going to – or woman.

00:08:40.120 Nowadays, even lesbians will stop in there just to couture their jawline.

00:08:44.160 They'll pop into a male Glory Hole.

00:08:45.940 Yeah, but what about lesbians?

00:08:46.940 They don't have any way to glory.

00:08:48.180 You can't get a clit through that wood girth.

00:08:50.800 I don't know.

00:08:52.000 You put the softball team in there.

00:08:53.460 They'll fucking – they'll hit a single at least through that thing.

00:08:56.140 Yeah, Brittany Griner could get something through that hole.

00:08:58.380 Oh, damn.

00:08:59.740 That's what put her in jail in Russia, I heard.

00:09:02.300 Have you seen her lately?

00:09:03.240 She looks like Pete Davidson.

00:09:05.860 Yeah, I could see a crossover.

00:09:07.140 Why hasn't she been on SNL, I wonder?

00:09:09.500 Oh.

00:09:10.540 What about you?

00:09:11.280 Brittany, let me see something real quick.

00:09:13.880 Oh, this is awkward.

00:09:14.660 Brittany, thank you.

00:09:16.520 Get the fuck.

00:09:17.800 Get the fuck.

00:09:18.760 Whoa.

00:09:19.940 Look at those dogs walking on water.

00:09:21.260 What religion is this?

00:09:22.260 What the fuck is that?

00:09:23.820 Dude, I've never – bro, that's – dude, this is that new shit, man.

00:09:27.760 This is what's coming now.

00:09:29.200 Right.

00:09:29.660 This is the new Christianity.

00:09:30.880 This will be a story in the Bible one day.

00:09:33.580 Brittany Griner shoots a three-pointer.

00:09:35.520 Yeah, she looks like Deuteronomy.

00:09:38.500 Damn, that was good.

00:09:39.600 Ah, thanks.

00:09:40.640 God, bro.

00:09:41.760 That's a pretty decent start for an episode, I feel like.

00:09:44.840 Hell, yeah.

00:09:45.560 Well, I love Nashville.

00:09:46.640 I love this town.

00:09:47.520 We did the Ryman last night.

00:09:48.960 We did Zaney's after that.

00:09:50.320 Drop your mic down a little bit.

00:09:51.620 Oh, sorry.

00:09:52.340 Went to Kid Rock's house.

00:09:54.000 It was a wild night.

00:09:54.440 You did you went to Kid Rock's?

00:09:55.900 Yeah, we were just out with Tony, and Tony's like, I got a surprise for you.

00:09:59.460 We jump in a car, we drive a half hour, and then bam.

00:10:01.760 We did it.

00:10:02.380 Yeah, exactly.

00:10:05.180 And what a home.

00:10:07.800 Oh, you could.

00:10:08.460 There's definitely, was it just him there?

00:10:11.020 Was it other people?

00:10:12.440 It was just him and like a security guy.

00:10:14.060 Oh, yeah, dude.

00:10:15.140 And maybe a slave.

00:10:16.480 I mean, it felt like it.

00:10:17.560 Big, jacked, scary, like marine-looking guy.

00:10:20.400 Oh, yeah.

00:10:20.960 A lot of those guys love to cook when they're not fucking like sniping fucking Gazans on behalf of Israel.

00:10:26.040 So, but, yeah, dude, he-

00:10:29.760 Build that whaling wall.

00:10:32.220 Jesus.

00:10:33.880 Dude, I heard the whaling wall.

00:10:35.540 This is the most Israel thing ever.

00:10:36.580 The whaling wall has an ATM in it.

00:10:38.380 Is that crazy?

00:10:40.380 That's hilarious.

00:10:41.640 Is it?

00:10:42.020 I mean, I wouldn't be surprised.

00:10:43.920 You need some cash out there if you're going to buy a little dreidel, some knickknacks.

00:10:49.060 Oh, I'll fucking spend Gimel on that, bitch, son.

00:10:51.460 That's all I spend, dude.

00:10:53.120 They used to call me Big Gimel in a lot of back alleys.

00:10:56.240 Jimmy Gimel.

00:10:58.120 Jimmy Gimel Live.

00:10:59.360 In a lot of Yiddish back alleys, they used to call me fucking Jimmy Gimel, dog.

00:11:04.200 Oh, the whaling wall, it should have at least two ATMs at it.

00:11:08.060 I can't even believe this is an issue over there.

00:11:10.400 It's got to have one, or at least a glory hole.

00:11:12.620 Yeah, definitely, dude.

00:11:14.400 Get that no foreskin through there.

00:11:16.300 Yeah, only in the glory holes in Israel, it says FDIC insured.

00:11:21.540 F-D-I-C-K insured, dude.

00:11:24.940 Nice.

00:11:25.460 There it is.

00:11:26.060 Oh!

00:11:26.600 There it is.

00:11:27.880 Holy shit.

00:11:29.240 The only kosher ATM in the world.

00:11:31.560 That's hilarious.

00:11:32.260 It just takes money from Palestinians.

00:11:34.320 It's not even your account.

00:11:36.820 Yeah, dude.

00:11:37.980 That's crazy.

00:11:39.380 Holy moly.

00:11:40.460 That's hilarious.

00:11:41.640 Wow.

00:11:42.820 Speaking of going abroad, you have shows coming up abroad, man.

00:11:46.140 Yeah, I'm very excited.

00:11:47.160 Going to London, going to Australia.

00:11:48.800 I love those crowds.

00:11:50.240 You do?

00:11:50.800 Oh, yeah.

00:11:51.380 I mean, the flight's a bitch, and you get homesick, and the jet lag's a real cum guzzler,

00:11:55.800 but I love Australia.

00:11:57.860 I'm pumped.

00:11:59.100 Do you ever go?

00:11:59.860 Yes, man.

00:12:01.360 You have to, where are you going over there?

00:12:02.340 Let me see some of his dates here.

00:12:04.140 You're going to Reykjavik?

00:12:05.880 Yeah, I think that's Iceland, right?

00:12:08.200 Reykjavik?

00:12:09.120 Reykjavik.

00:12:09.720 Oh, Reykjavik.

00:12:10.460 That's how they say it?

00:12:11.280 Yeah, I think so.

00:12:12.220 Oh, Reykjavik.

00:12:13.360 Yeah.

00:12:13.820 It looks like somebody's texting with T9.

00:12:15.740 Look at those vowels and consonants.

00:12:18.340 Oh, yeah.

00:12:19.580 Jesus.

00:12:20.140 That's like a drunk text.

00:12:21.740 Salford, United Kingdom, Cardiff, United Kingdom, Bristol, United Kingdom, Birmingham, London,

00:12:27.160 Glasgow, you're going to fucking Glasgow, lad.

00:12:29.520 Oh, yeah.

00:12:29.800 Oh, yeah.

00:12:30.400 Fuck yeah.

00:12:31.320 Get a smash burger, lad.

00:12:33.260 Yeah, get a Glasgow smile.

00:12:34.960 That's where they cut you from here to here.

00:12:36.420 Get a Glasgow smile, lad.

00:12:38.240 Terrifying.

00:12:39.320 Those Scots are really scary.

00:12:41.680 That's going to be incredible, dude.

00:12:42.860 So you have those shows coming up.

00:12:43.840 That's everywhere over there.

00:12:44.960 Yeah, yeah.

00:12:45.820 Doing the whole gamut.

00:12:47.220 Just taking a train from top to bottom.

00:12:49.300 Yeah.

00:12:49.420 It's kind of shitty because you don't get to see anything.

00:12:51.500 You just do the show and then you leave.

00:12:53.180 Yeah.

00:12:53.360 But the crowds are great and it's a fun time.

00:12:55.920 You have a couple days off.

00:12:57.300 Couple days off.

00:12:58.160 Yeah, not much.

00:12:58.800 But I get so keyed up, I got to get back.

00:13:00.740 So I just do the shows and I go home.

00:13:02.340 Well, it's hard.

00:13:03.080 That's one of the things people don't realize.

00:13:04.260 You go to these places, people are like, stay, do this and that.

00:13:06.340 But then, like, you do five, six shows, you're on the road then for two weeks, kind

00:13:11.600 of, you know?

00:13:12.220 Right, right.

00:13:12.500 Or, you know, you try to get into, and it's like, well, how long are you going to be over?

00:13:16.100 Are you going to be over there for three weeks?

00:13:17.320 A month?

00:13:18.000 I know.

00:13:18.380 Oh, you start, I get that FOMO, like, what's going on in America?

00:13:21.340 You start looking at J.D. Vance memes, you're like, oh, I miss home.

00:13:24.800 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:13:25.720 He's fat, putting Cheeto dust on a president.

00:13:28.500 Oh, yeah, bro.

00:13:29.120 They had one the other day that said he has up syndrome.

00:13:33.860 This is a picture of J.D. Vance has up syndrome.

00:13:35.960 Oh, that's fun.

00:13:37.180 Look at that guy.

00:13:37.940 I think he loves it, too, which is fun about him.

00:13:40.500 Oh, he has the best sense he remembers.

00:13:41.740 I bet he could, I honestly, I should send him one of these and see what he thinks about it.

00:13:46.320 Oh, I bet he's seen all of them.

00:13:47.580 I would just scroll through those at dinner if I was him.

00:13:50.160 Yeah.

00:13:50.860 And look, you can't do that with Obama.

00:13:52.420 You know, that's a different meme, if you know what I mean.

00:13:55.200 So it's good to have him be into it.

00:13:57.520 Yeah, I got to see which ones he's into.

00:13:59.040 I think I would like to try and get to interview him again because now he's in there.

00:14:02.880 Right.

00:14:03.180 And I bet it's weird in there.

00:14:05.340 In the White House?

00:14:06.160 Yeah.

00:14:06.540 Oh, yeah.

00:14:07.140 Well, did you see Kid Rock over there dressed like a fucking firecracker salesman?

00:14:11.600 Oh, he was dressed like a fireman at a glory hole.

00:14:16.600 Yes, yeah, fire crotch.

00:14:18.160 Dude, he was dressed like the Grand Wizard of Cracker Jack.

00:14:23.740 Yeah.

00:14:24.320 Bring him on, baby.

00:14:24.960 Look at that.

00:14:25.480 He looks like he's selling used cars in Bristol, Tennessee.

00:14:29.560 Oh, dude, definitely, dude.

00:14:31.680 This guy looks like he could fucking sign the Constitution with his cock, dude.

00:14:35.640 This guy's unbelievable.

00:14:38.160 He does.

00:14:38.700 John Hancock.

00:14:39.800 Yeah.

00:14:40.460 Yeah, look at this.

00:14:41.440 That is a wild.

00:14:42.200 He's like a, he's a gaytrian.

00:14:44.200 Oh, yeah, brother.

00:14:45.440 That's it.

00:14:45.940 Dude, if this photo alone doesn't get the Tiger King out of prison.

00:14:49.960 Ah, right.

00:14:52.240 What are we even doing?

00:14:53.540 And this has got to scare the foreigners.

00:14:55.940 If I was a Chinese motherfucker and I saw that, I'd go, we can't fuck with them.

00:14:59.300 Look at this guy.

00:14:59.920 He's like an Avenger.

00:15:01.280 Yeah, they're like, we made that shirt, but we didn't know he'd wear it like that.

00:15:05.200 You think Zelensky sees that and he's like, shit, I really didn't dress up.

00:15:09.240 Holy, I dressed like a ninja.

00:15:11.000 Yeah, dude, yeah.

00:15:12.560 He's like, oh, I should have really showed up.

00:15:14.960 He looks like the pilot for Malaysian Flight 370 or whatever.

00:15:19.320 The one that went down?

00:15:20.940 Yeah.

00:15:21.460 Where do you even get that made?

00:15:22.740 I mean, that's crazy.

00:15:23.600 Dude, the one that went down on Key West, bro.

00:15:25.640 That's a fucking, that thing landed on a cock, dude.

00:15:28.980 Yeah.

00:15:29.300 Well, the flights have been, I think they've picked it up a little bit, but we had some

00:15:33.180 crazy flights for a while, like Upside Down and Flights.

00:15:36.260 Inside Out.

00:15:36.940 Yeah.

00:15:37.300 Trying to show all these people what it's all about, dude.

00:15:39.240 They had Run DMC flying one of the planes, dude.

00:15:42.520 Well, they had Run DEI.

00:15:44.840 But yeah, look at that.

00:15:45.760 Upside Down.

00:15:46.340 It's almost like the movie Flight with Denzel.

00:15:48.440 We ride here.

00:15:50.220 Dude, and you have to listen to DMX when you get out of that plane, right?

00:15:53.480 Yeah, right.

00:15:54.360 There's no way.

00:15:55.860 The plane's upside down, and now we have to exit.

00:15:58.400 There's no way I don't put a fucking, I don't bounce a track on my phone right there.

00:16:02.680 Dude, I put on probably some DMX.

00:16:06.480 Oh, yeah.

00:16:07.080 As you walk out.

00:16:08.200 What you really want.

00:16:09.500 Yeah.

00:16:09.780 What you really want from a flight.

00:16:11.680 Yeah.

00:16:12.880 I want some peanuts and an upright plane.

00:16:16.240 Yeah, dude.

00:16:17.160 It's a wacky time.

00:16:17.980 There was something you had.

00:16:19.360 I want to talk to you about a bunch of stuff.

00:16:20.560 You have a new child.

00:16:21.480 Yes, yes.

00:16:22.820 Not mine.

00:16:23.640 I can't.

00:16:25.080 Matt Reif.

00:16:26.440 He got it there.

00:16:28.120 Dude, unreal.

00:16:29.120 And a lot of people thought Matt Reif is that guy who's trying to live forever, whatever.

00:16:33.740 Oh, yeah.

00:16:34.780 Well, he's got that beautiful face.

00:16:36.420 He's shiny.

00:16:37.320 He looks new.

00:16:38.960 He looks very.

00:16:40.800 Yeah, a lot of people thought that that's Matt Reif.

00:16:42.760 Brian Johnson.

00:16:43.900 This guy.

00:16:44.260 Why does the guy who lives forever have to be annoying?

00:16:46.880 You know, if the guy's going to live forever, you'd like him to be fun.

00:16:49.920 I know, dude.

00:16:50.620 Why couldn't the guy that lives forever be?

00:16:52.760 He went like John Daly to live forever, you know?

00:16:55.140 Yeah.

00:16:55.440 Although he'll die tomorrow.

00:16:56.840 Well, especially because Hooters just went bankrupt, which is crazy.

00:17:01.440 Damn.

00:17:02.020 He was keeping it in business, dude.

00:17:04.280 I bet.

00:17:04.880 I bet.

00:17:05.360 Yeah.

00:17:05.480 That guy could house some wings.

00:17:07.480 Bro, and he would walk in.

00:17:08.540 It would always be empty.

00:17:09.660 Restaurant chain Hooters goes bust and files for bankruptcy protection.

00:17:14.640 What is this?

00:17:15.080 The Asian version?

00:17:15.820 And there is a – and if you can't see on the YouTube, on the video right now, there

00:17:20.220 is a picture of all Asian women in Hooters' attire.

00:17:26.080 Where is that photo taken?

00:17:27.040 Can you give me some information?

00:17:27.880 Can you scroll up or down or something?

00:17:29.620 There you go.

00:17:30.440 Chinese waitresses dressed in orange shorts and T-shirts cheer while welcoming the arriving

00:17:34.700 guests at the Hooters' restaurant in Beijing.

00:17:37.520 Oh, shit.

00:17:39.440 Damn.

00:17:39.900 They're stealing everything from us.

00:17:41.360 They got it.

00:17:42.120 Hooters' is going bust.

00:17:42.860 It's the U.S. restaurant chain known for chicken wings and its skinny Hooters' girls

00:17:46.620 waitstaff outfits has filed for bankruptcy protection.

00:17:50.120 Whoa.

00:17:51.220 HOA restaurant group filed for the motion for Chapter 11.

00:17:54.800 It's the latest legacy restaurant chain to run into financial trouble amid high food

00:17:58.540 and labor prices.

00:18:00.100 Well, is that really why –

00:18:01.680 Yeah.

00:18:02.480 I saw a couple of porkers in there on the last few years.

00:18:06.000 Yeah.

00:18:06.180 Let's just say that they got probably so many articles saying that they couldn't hire

00:18:10.940 good tits in there anymore.

00:18:12.480 Right, right.

00:18:13.480 You got to be inclusive.

00:18:14.780 Yeah.

00:18:15.060 So you got to get the wheelchair Hooter.

00:18:16.820 You got to get the Downsy Hooter.

00:18:19.080 Yeah.

00:18:19.500 You got to get an actual owl in there.

00:18:23.620 It's like, what are we doing?

00:18:25.480 Yeah.

00:18:25.960 It's a tough time.

00:18:27.860 It's the end of an era, but we still got Twin Peaks.

00:18:30.420 Ooh.

00:18:31.020 Just a sleeper that they just kept low and didn't talk and now they're still around.

00:18:35.080 Yeah.

00:18:35.280 That's like the Utah tits.

00:18:36.800 Those tits are clean over there.

00:18:38.360 Clean.

00:18:38.620 They're like the Kieran Culkin.

00:18:39.980 Yeah.

00:18:40.400 McCauley's gone.

00:18:41.140 He was hot for a while, but now Kieran's taking over.

00:18:44.540 We got to go to Beijing.

00:18:46.300 God, dude.

00:18:47.040 I got to be honest.

00:18:47.540 I never felt comfortable to Hooters.

00:18:48.940 Like, I like tits.

00:18:49.960 I like wings.

00:18:50.680 But I felt weird.

00:18:51.760 It's just some girl named Stacy who's trying to make a few bucks.

00:18:55.980 And I'm like, can I look at her?

00:18:57.180 Can I not look at her?

00:18:57.980 Right.

00:18:58.120 What would I do here?

00:18:59.040 A lot of them are like, I'm a model.

00:19:00.660 And it's like, what are you?

00:19:02.720 You know, will you model those sodas over here for me?

00:19:05.360 Like, not in a bad way, but it's like, look, I want to support your modeling.

00:19:08.500 I will tip a little bit extra.

00:19:10.020 Sure.

00:19:10.460 But we want to eat, too.

00:19:11.660 I don't want to.

00:19:12.540 Yes.

00:19:12.860 Yes.

00:19:13.380 And then am I supposed to ogle you?

00:19:15.320 Am I a creeper?

00:19:16.280 I never know what to do.

00:19:17.400 Right.

00:19:17.640 Are you just a waitress?

00:19:18.820 Are you?

00:19:19.980 Yeah, what are you?

00:19:20.760 It was a gray area.

00:19:21.500 If I have you sign my 11-year-old son's back with a Sharpie.

00:19:24.920 Right.

00:19:25.660 Am I a fucking sick dad or whatever?

00:19:27.620 Exactly.

00:19:28.060 And then do I tip you by putting the money in your G-string?

00:19:30.880 You know, like a strip club, at least you know.

00:19:32.860 We're all here to see tits and ass.

00:19:34.420 Everybody's on board.

00:19:35.600 Right.

00:19:35.880 Hooters was this vague thing where like, hey, while you're a pervert, let's get some fucking protein in you.

00:19:43.280 And then if you go, sometimes you'd go with a girl.

00:19:45.280 Like, you'd be at a work lunch and the whole gang would go.

00:19:48.540 And you're like, I got this lady here.

00:19:50.200 She's in HR and she's fat.

00:19:52.320 Now we got the hot blonde.

00:19:53.840 And the whole thing is awkward.

00:19:55.440 Yeah.

00:19:55.780 And then you try to make it equal.

00:19:56.980 You're like, oh, well, they should have a place called Nuts that we could take you, Shelly.

00:20:01.220 Yeah.

00:20:01.640 And she's like, I'm good.

00:20:03.160 Yeah.

00:20:03.360 And she's been losing her hair because she has like iron deficiency or something.

00:20:06.860 Anemia.

00:20:07.540 Oh, that'll get you.

00:20:08.400 That was my black ex.

00:20:09.840 Yeah, dude.

00:20:10.300 Hooters are shutting down.

00:20:10.980 John Daly is going to have nowhere.

00:20:12.120 Cause you know, he, uh, he used to live in a Hooters.

00:20:16.260 He lived in a, I can see that.

00:20:19.340 Didn't John Daly live in a Hooters, bring that up?

00:20:21.180 No way.

00:20:22.280 I thought you were joking.

00:20:24.560 That's amazing.

00:20:25.900 John Gruden had an office apparently at Hooters headquarters and John Daly had a special sleeping

00:20:31.320 room in there.

00:20:32.180 Shut the fuck up.

00:20:34.000 Where'd they hear that?

00:20:34.680 Oh, on the most recent episode of Theo Vaughn's This Past Weekend Podcast.

00:20:37.100 So hold on.

00:20:39.540 You're your own reference.

00:20:41.120 Hey dude, this is where we are, dude.

00:20:44.260 Um, I saw John Daly overdose on Jim one night and had to get carried out of a restaurant,

00:20:48.360 not even a bar.

00:20:49.360 Hell yeah.

00:20:50.480 That's awesome.

00:20:51.460 Man, he's like a superhero, this guy.

00:20:53.180 Oh yeah.

00:20:53.600 He's dude.

00:20:54.100 He's definitely him.

00:20:55.560 Kid Rock.

00:20:56.140 Now we have a superhero.

00:20:57.240 Yep.

00:20:57.740 We have our Avengers, dude.

00:20:59.480 Ah, yes.

00:21:01.400 We need some more in there.

00:21:02.880 We need a good woman in there.

00:21:04.280 Oh yeah.

00:21:05.340 Yeah.

00:21:05.860 Who's a fun woman?

00:21:07.100 Ooh, I know who.

00:21:08.060 That lady that, uh, cooks and that said the N-word.

00:21:10.280 What's her name?

00:21:10.980 Oh, Paula Deen.

00:21:12.180 Yeah.

00:21:12.880 That's a good one.

00:21:14.140 Boy, there's gonna be a lot of N-word in that kitchen.

00:21:16.420 Her's, oh dude, look, dude.

00:21:18.500 Maybe we should throw a black guy in just to even it out a little bit.

00:21:21.020 Yes.

00:21:21.380 And to keep her on her toes.

00:21:22.840 Yeah.

00:21:23.720 Right.

00:21:24.180 Right.

00:21:24.820 Who do we get in there?

00:21:25.980 We need a good-

00:21:27.100 Who's a fun black?

00:21:27.840 Maybe, um, oh, uh, oh, hold on.

00:21:33.520 Uh, Kanye.

00:21:35.680 Ooh.

00:21:36.080 That'll really shake things up.

00:21:37.860 Yeah.

00:21:39.000 Now we're talking.

00:21:40.360 Oh yeah.

00:21:41.100 So he'll be, he'll be wearing the Klan hood, ironically.

00:21:44.000 But now it's their Klan hood.

00:21:45.400 So it's like, what do we, what do whites do now that there's, I don't want to say this

00:21:50.220 is cultural appropriation.

00:21:51.320 Eh, I mean, did FUBU make that?

00:21:54.980 I mean, that's, that's our thing.

00:21:56.960 Yeah.

00:21:57.360 I mean, I definitely, this is.

00:22:00.840 I mean, it's so weird because Elon's trying to tell him, hey, I'm not a Nazi.

00:22:04.780 And he's like, no, no, I am a Nazi.

00:22:06.500 Yeah.

00:22:06.740 Oh, it's so hard these days to figure out if you're a Nazi or not.

00:22:09.700 It is fucking impossible.

00:22:11.780 I mean, did you ever think you'd see this many swastikas in 2020?

00:22:14.540 The whole world's gone batshit.

00:22:16.480 No.

00:22:16.740 And you, they're not even pointed that you don't even know who they're playing.

00:22:19.320 Like, it's like there's liberal people using swastikas because they, uh, they're angry.

00:22:25.800 Yes.

00:22:26.200 At Tesla.

00:22:27.420 Yes.

00:22:27.980 But now you're drawing swastikas.

00:22:29.420 So these poor Jews are like, all right, well that's, that means fuck me.

00:22:32.880 I know you're mad at that guy, but what about me?

00:22:35.140 But then you also have people saying that, um, that American Israel are swastika.

00:22:41.140 They're using it, promoting them because they're killing the Palestinians.

00:22:45.640 Huh?

00:22:46.120 So you're saying that they're the fat, like, you know what I'm saying?

00:22:48.340 It's like, you guys are the new Germany.

00:22:50.540 They're saying that Israel is a new Germany.

00:22:52.160 Oh, geez.

00:22:52.840 This is too much.

00:22:53.920 That's what I'm saying.

00:22:54.540 There's, it's just.

00:22:55.280 It's so many layers.

00:22:56.400 Yeah.

00:22:57.160 It's like, what happened to a fucking, the business transaction of a glory hole, dude?

00:23:02.440 Exactly.

00:23:03.120 You know, I mean, uh, we're buying Greenland, Gulf of America, Canada's mad at us.

00:23:08.280 Beyonce's doing country.

00:23:09.700 Everything's topsy turvy.

00:23:11.600 Alec Baldwin shot a lady.

00:23:13.240 I mean, I can't keep up with all the shit.

00:23:15.540 It's all twisted.

00:23:16.900 Ah, but at the same time, is it the most exciting?

00:23:20.660 It's, it's exciting.

00:23:22.500 It is.

00:23:22.900 It is.

00:23:23.180 It's the best of time and the worst of time, but you could open X and you're just like,

00:23:26.520 holy fuck my ass.

00:23:28.700 This is crazy.

00:23:29.740 Yeah.

00:23:30.060 Yeah.

00:23:30.180 Yeah.

00:23:30.480 And that's, yeah.

00:23:31.600 X is like a portal to like crazy town.

00:23:34.060 Yeah.

00:23:34.660 You're just shitting like, oh, that's a bear attack.

00:23:37.180 A race, race riot.

00:23:39.180 Oh, race riot.

00:23:40.020 Black kids beat up another white kid at school.

00:23:42.780 Right.

00:23:43.260 Right.

00:23:43.280 Not a hate crime.

00:23:44.520 Right.

00:23:45.360 Just a tweet.

00:23:46.440 Just a tweet.

00:23:47.260 Yeah.

00:23:47.720 And then there's like crazy tit lady and it says, don't open this if you're alone.

00:23:51.800 And I always open it.

00:23:52.980 I even have to, I'm at the library.

00:23:54.200 I'm like, I got to do it.

00:23:55.180 But I can't resist that.

00:23:57.560 It's like 10 reasons why, uh, apples are killing your body right now.

00:24:02.000 Yes.

00:24:02.500 And you're like, fuck.

00:24:03.700 You got me clickbait.

00:24:05.120 Yeah.

00:24:05.480 Huh?

00:24:05.740 Did you see that Bill Burr thing where he yelled at the reporter?

00:24:09.360 Oh, pull this up if you can.

00:24:11.140 I mean, this was so cool.

00:24:12.680 This is why I love the love bill.

00:24:14.920 He's on a red carpet for some thing.

00:24:17.880 And a reporter's like trying to get him to say controversial shit.

00:24:21.640 And he calls him out.

00:24:22.900 I'm not going to just have some controversial moments so you can get clicks.

00:24:25.840 I'm not doing that.

00:24:26.760 I mean, I'm here for Conan.

00:24:28.540 I'm not, I'm not doing all of this.

00:24:30.440 What are you going to bring up next?

00:24:31.320 The Middle East?

00:24:32.220 I went to summer school.

00:24:34.100 Three out of four years in high school.

00:24:35.300 I'm not qualified to talk about this.

00:24:36.660 I was just going to bring it right down.

00:24:37.840 What do you think about global warming?

00:24:40.080 You said about Elon that he was ruining Earth, I saw, on The View.

00:24:44.020 You're critical of him.

00:24:45.500 What do you think of all the boycotts?

00:24:46.820 Like, even the violence that's going on in high school.

00:24:48.880 I don't watch the news.

00:24:49.700 I have no idea what's going on.

00:24:50.920 I watch Instagram.

00:24:52.440 I watch people wipe out on motorcycles.

00:24:54.380 I watch lions and hyenas fight each other.

00:24:56.900 This is the things that I do.

00:24:58.200 And I don't think you should be asking a comedian.

00:25:01.000 You're a journalist.

00:25:01.800 Well, comedians are on top of current events.

00:25:03.800 No, no.

00:25:04.900 That's, that's weak.

00:25:06.460 That's you guys passing the buck.

00:25:08.400 You guys need to have balls again, which you don't.

00:25:11.300 You guys always go, should we be thinking this?

00:25:15.240 You guys present stuff like that.

00:25:17.020 You guys just have balls.

00:25:18.180 You need to get your balls back.

00:25:19.780 And it's not my job.

00:25:20.740 I am a dancing clown.

00:25:22.340 But yeah, it's so cool because he's like, you're trying to get me to say shit so you

00:25:25.420 can get clicks.

00:25:26.080 You guys report.

00:25:27.340 Yeah.

00:25:27.520 Stop putting it all on me.

00:25:28.440 I can get in trouble now and go viral for some ignorant shit I said.

00:25:32.440 Yeah.

00:25:32.900 Get out of here.

00:25:33.900 Dude, that's a great point.

00:25:35.340 Yeah, it has, it's definitely become crazy now.

00:25:37.960 Yeah.

00:25:38.080 It's like, um, but it's because people are afraid to speak up because I think all those

00:25:42.100 people feel like they'll probably lose their jobs.

00:25:44.720 I think a lot of them are just caught in this old system with like, if I say anything that's

00:25:49.240 truthful, that's why I think why a lot of like, you even see like Candace Owens, you

00:25:53.140 see a lot of comedians, podcasters, like people are listening to them.

00:25:56.600 At least they, they're trying to figure shit out or they're talking about things as earnestly

00:26:01.820 as they think they can.

00:26:02.820 Yeah.

00:26:03.240 Well, we're so divided now that if you say this opinion, the other side attacks you.

00:26:07.260 If you say that opinion, that side attacks you.

00:26:09.120 So, uh, the, the, the newspapers want to sell clicks or whatever.

00:26:13.400 So they're just like, we'll go down the middle.

00:26:15.060 We got to keep everybody.

00:26:16.100 You say the fucked up shit and we'll report about it.

00:26:18.420 Yeah.

00:26:18.980 It's, it's, it's gross.

00:26:20.260 It's a great point.

00:26:20.900 He said it's passing the buck.

00:26:21.940 Where's the fucking, how was it that like, even during the first year of like the Gaza thing

00:26:26.160 that not one mainstream network guy was like, Hey, this seems kind of fucked up.

00:26:31.880 Is that right?

00:26:32.620 I thought people were talking, I guess it's mostly internet people.

00:26:35.620 Yeah.

00:26:35.720 I think it was more internet people, but it was kind of like, Hey, this, you know, or

00:26:40.660 even just any side, like let's get one interview from a Palestinian guy.

00:26:44.680 Oh yeah.

00:26:45.560 Yeah.

00:26:45.860 True.

00:26:46.540 That shit was just kind of crazy.

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00:29:51.740 Yeah.

00:29:52.100 I'm working on a, I'm like a web series.

00:29:54.800 I'm trying to sell it, but it's, it's called page to stage and page to stage.

00:29:59.100 Yeah.

00:29:59.460 Like you come up with a bit idea and then you go up at Zany's and work it out and it's

00:30:03.420 clunky and then you work it out again and again and again.

00:30:05.400 And then eventually you crack it and now you're doing it at an arena.

00:30:08.580 That's the show.

00:30:09.780 So you, it shows the comic thinking of a bit and then struggling with it and then eventually

00:30:14.220 figuring it out and killing with it.

00:30:16.700 And like in between, oh, that's an example of it right there.

00:30:19.440 Yeah, we've done a couple episodes already and this is episode one.

00:30:24.100 We just put out episode two.

00:30:26.320 Yeah, that's something.

00:30:27.560 Hey, is this stupid?

00:30:28.620 I'm bombing all day long.

00:30:30.080 God, I hope this wasn't an expensive ticket.

00:30:33.480 Oh, this is great, man.

00:30:34.960 Oh, thanks.

00:30:35.980 I can't believe this has never been done.

00:30:37.380 You've got a dumb idea.

00:30:38.380 That's how comedy starts.

00:30:39.760 You take it on stage, it bombs and you do it again.

00:30:43.300 Too far.

00:30:44.060 All right.

00:30:44.540 All right.

00:30:45.060 We'll work on that.

00:30:46.360 Oh God, we're supposed to be there.

00:30:47.540 What else do you do here?

00:30:49.600 You like break, you break down the bit with other friends, kind of work on it?

00:30:52.960 Exactly.

00:30:53.500 Like me and Sam Murillo, Chris DiStefano, we'll sit at the cellar and chop it up and try to

00:30:58.040 figure out where the funny is and what angle to go with.

00:31:00.820 You guys have so many just artisans up there.

00:31:04.020 Oh yeah.

00:31:04.820 It's like, it's comedy college over there.

00:31:06.480 It's chefs.

00:31:07.040 You guys have chefs.

00:31:08.080 Yes.

00:31:08.600 Yes, exactly.

00:31:09.820 We're down here selling hooters to fucking people.

00:31:12.740 Yeah, but this is fun.

00:31:13.760 This is Shane.

00:31:14.640 This is fun as hell though.

00:31:15.780 I love Nashville.

00:31:16.440 I mean, you got, the Zanies has opened another room.

00:31:18.820 I mean, you guys are cooking.

00:31:19.860 Yeah, I've been in there.

00:31:20.600 That lab over there, it's great.

00:31:21.820 Great room.

00:31:22.760 So yeah, this, and each episode will be a different comic.

00:31:25.020 I do the first one, then it'll be, you know, Ronnie Chang and Michelle Wolf and Shane.

00:31:30.560 So the show is going to be, it's just different examples of that?

00:31:34.420 Yeah, yeah.

00:31:35.020 With different, each one is a different comic.

00:31:36.940 Okay, got it.

00:31:37.300 Working on a bit.

00:31:37.720 So you could do one if you wanted or whoever.

00:31:40.440 Yeah, I want to start working on some new stuff, man.

00:31:42.220 I've been writing a lot of stuff.

00:31:43.380 I just have to get, start getting on stage.

00:31:45.240 I think I'll go down to Austin probably to work on it.

00:31:47.380 Oh, I like that.

00:31:48.420 I mean, that mothership, you can't beat that room.

00:31:50.420 Well, just to have this, and also there's other rooms right around there.

00:31:53.240 Brian Redman has a room right there.

00:31:55.100 Yeah, the Creek.

00:31:55.740 Yeah, they have one room there.

00:31:57.240 It's called like Skinny F*** or whatever you know what it's called.

00:31:59.580 But it's like, they have a-

00:32:00.880 Is that Tony's room?

00:32:01.900 Yeah.

00:32:02.680 Way dead at.

00:32:03.620 Yeah.

00:32:04.880 It's that Tony's room.

00:32:05.880 But they have a lot of like, yeah, it's like autistic cat or whatever.

00:32:11.580 Right, right, right.

00:32:12.940 N-word Jones.

00:32:13.820 Yeah, they have everything there.

00:32:15.640 Like, save the-

00:32:16.500 Like, dude, things there are so progressive, but also way-

00:32:20.020 It's like, I've seen like save the N-words there, and you're like, that does not seem-

00:32:26.480 No, no.

00:32:27.520 Like, it's like racist and progressive because it's like Austin.

00:32:31.180 Good intentions, but bad message.

00:32:33.340 Yeah.

00:32:33.560 Bad title.

00:32:34.840 Yeah, it's like-

00:32:35.820 Save the whales, but you're talking about fat people.

00:32:38.920 Yeah.

00:32:39.500 No, but they-

00:32:40.280 Yeah, I mean, Austin's fun because when you're working on new shit, you've got to be able

00:32:43.460 to bounce around.

00:32:44.360 You can't just do one set every now and then.

00:32:46.420 I agree.

00:32:46.900 And it's even a lot of times when you're working on new stuff, for me, it's like that third

00:32:50.120 time you do it in a night, even if you don't even want to do it.

00:32:52.720 Yeah.

00:32:52.880 And nothing comes out of it, but it's still just burning that like, every time you cook it,

00:32:57.520 you just cook it.

00:32:58.300 And it's like, so the next time will be good, right?

00:33:00.400 A hundred percent.

00:33:00.860 You know, they say when you lift weights, the one where you're like, ah, and you can't

00:33:04.600 get it up, that's the one that matters the most.

00:33:06.220 And it's the same with comedy, I think.

00:33:07.300 When you're working on that new one and you don't want to say it and it's not really working,

00:33:10.880 that's when you find it, when you just push it.

00:33:13.580 Yeah.

00:33:14.860 Yeah, dude.

00:33:15.320 I have a buddy that just started comedy last week.

00:33:18.320 No way.

00:33:19.100 A friend of mine from AA just started.

00:33:21.320 Aren't you glad those days?

00:33:22.440 I would hate to just start now.

00:33:24.340 I mean, we're 20 years in or whatever the fuck.

00:33:27.280 I used to watch you at open mics at fucking Lucy's Surfer Bar in New Orleans.

00:33:30.260 You too, dude.

00:33:31.180 Yeah, you were the guy.

00:33:32.880 You had a hot girlfriend, you had some money, you had a cool haircut.

00:33:36.040 I didn't have, well, I did have a very cute girlfriend.

00:33:38.680 Oh, I still remember her.

00:33:39.940 God, she was pretty, wasn't she?

00:33:41.340 Oh, I think about her all the time.

00:33:43.220 I'll be honest, I think about her a lot.

00:33:45.300 Yeah, yeah, that was really something.

00:33:47.220 No one had a hot girlfriend back then.

00:33:48.460 We were all losers in Louisiana.

00:33:50.500 Armour walking by like some of the Saints players and they're all said, we're going

00:33:53.380 to steal your girlfriend.

00:33:54.520 That sounds about right.

00:33:55.960 That's what they do.

00:33:56.840 And they did.

00:33:58.320 That's the crazy part.

00:33:59.780 No, I don't know.

00:34:00.740 But yeah, dude, God, bro, when we went to Lucy's, that was fun, dude.

00:34:04.360 That was not a care in the world.

00:34:05.500 There was no phones.

00:34:06.460 There was no, we got to get a clip.

00:34:08.000 There was no video shit.

00:34:09.140 It was just for the love of the game.

00:34:10.740 And they had all kind of like Dane Fauche.

00:34:13.500 Remember him?

00:34:14.100 Yeah, of course.

00:34:14.740 Funny guy.

00:34:15.480 And he was in that documentary.

00:34:17.720 Did you see that?

00:34:18.380 No.

00:34:19.200 What doc?

00:34:20.120 I don't know if he's okay with talking about this, but bring it up.

00:34:22.480 Dane Fauche.

00:34:23.860 I love those old Louisiana names.

00:34:25.740 Fauche, Thibodeau, Landry.

00:34:30.000 Yeah, it was like.

00:34:31.580 Remember Sean Patton was down there?

00:34:33.400 Oh yeah, there he is.

00:34:34.200 Good old Dane.

00:34:35.160 I looked up to him too when I started.

00:34:36.740 Oh dude, same bro.

00:34:37.900 And also one of the nicest guys.

00:34:39.860 Oh yeah, great guy.

00:34:41.260 And he was really like, he welcomed everybody.

00:34:43.560 Hey, we're doing comedy.

00:34:45.020 Good to have you.

00:34:45.700 And that was the first time I had like a group, like a clique.

00:34:47.960 Yeah.

00:34:48.340 Felt like a cult.

00:34:49.020 Dude, yeah.

00:34:50.040 Dane's an awesome guy.

00:34:51.400 And, but they had a docu, he was part of a very important docu.

00:34:54.980 No, it's called Our Friend.

00:34:57.580 What is it?

00:34:58.020 Our Friend.

00:34:58.980 It's a 2019 American biographical drama film directed by Gabriela Cal Perthwaite and written

00:35:04.660 by Brad Inglesby based on Matthew Teague's 2015 Esquire article.

00:35:08.320 The Friend.

00:35:09.160 Love is not a big enough word.

00:35:11.160 Jeez.

00:35:11.840 Jason Segel, Dakota Johns, Casey Affleck.

00:35:14.720 Oh, how did I not know about it?

00:35:15.920 This is huge.

00:35:16.520 And it's based on one of the, I think the main character is based on him.

00:35:22.440 Scroll some.

00:35:24.140 Oh God, are you going to tell me he's got some disease?

00:35:26.400 In a flashback to 2000, Matt, a journalist and Nicola theater performer live in New Orleans.

00:35:29.940 She introduces Matt to Dane, a friend from college working as a camera operator who dreams

00:35:34.340 of becoming a standup comic.

00:35:35.920 Oh, there you go.

00:35:36.640 Um, yeah.

00:35:38.400 Wow, dude.

00:35:39.200 Yeah, dude.

00:35:39.640 This is a very, this is a cool thing to watch.

00:35:42.640 Good for him.

00:35:43.440 Yeah.

00:35:44.140 Comedy's so big right now.

00:35:45.440 I mean, you're talking to presidents, vice president, Bernie Sanders.

00:35:48.700 It's, it's weird how intertwined it all is.

00:35:51.080 Well, I think everything is getting kind of bizarre now, you know?

00:35:54.360 A hundred percent.

00:35:55.200 Um, everything is getting like turning into the WWE.

00:35:58.480 Yes.

00:35:59.160 I've been saying this for years.

00:36:00.140 It's like, yeah, you can have like, you can literally next month, you could have Wolf Blitzer

00:36:05.060 fighting that, um, who was that like, uh, save the whales, like kind of like kid or

00:36:13.380 whatever that was like, uh, you are not representing us.

00:36:18.120 Oh, David Hogg.

00:36:19.540 No, you are not.

00:36:20.480 It was a woman, more woman than more woman.

00:36:23.760 Uh, you are not speaking for us.

00:36:26.080 Oh, Greta Thunberg.

00:36:27.500 Greta Thunberg.

00:36:28.140 What happened to her, by the way?

00:36:29.380 She jumped ship.

00:36:30.380 Well, she started, she started saying stuff that liberals didn't agree.

00:36:33.500 She started like, oh, she was speaking out for Palestine and now they're like, ah,

00:36:37.020 fuck her.

00:36:37.940 Oh, really?

00:36:38.720 Well, what about the environment?

00:36:39.660 I thought that was her, she would take a steamboat from Sweden to, to yell at somebody

00:36:43.980 on a, on a, on a soapbox.

00:36:46.640 Well, the second she wore that Palestinian garb, they're like, nah, she doesn't even

00:36:49.380 make any sense anymore.

00:36:50.500 Oh, damn.

00:36:51.620 Wow.

00:36:52.140 How old is she now?

00:36:53.220 Has she got an OnlyFans?

00:36:54.520 I don't.

00:36:57.720 Oh, 22.

00:36:58.680 All right.

00:36:59.040 She's of age.

00:36:59.940 Oh, we're going to hell.

00:37:01.380 I'm sorry.

00:37:01.820 But hey, we're going together.

00:37:03.020 Dude.

00:37:03.200 Oh, she's got a solar powered vibrator.

00:37:04.820 I remember.

00:37:06.820 Check out my carbon foot fetish.

00:37:09.660 This is fucking crazy, bro.

00:37:13.660 Are you always as funny?

00:37:14.900 This is the most, you've changed my life today, dude.

00:37:17.200 Oh, I'm hung over.

00:37:18.380 I'm on no sleep.

00:37:19.220 So I'm just, I'm riding off gay fumes here.

00:37:22.000 No sleep till Brooklyn.

00:37:26.280 Um, no, dude.

00:37:28.180 Remember the other comics they had?

00:37:29.940 Wild Bill.

00:37:30.660 Remember Wild Bill?

00:37:31.400 Oh, Wild Bill Dykes.

00:37:33.240 Wild Bill Dykes, dude.

00:37:35.100 He was on some TV show, like Bar Rescue, some bullshit like that.

00:37:39.380 And that was, I was like, he's been on TV and same with you.

00:37:42.100 I was like, you've been on TV.

00:37:43.060 I couldn't believe it.

00:37:44.120 Wild fucking Bill Dykes, dude.

00:37:45.940 A legend, dude.

00:37:47.360 But that's the thing.

00:37:48.020 You had to wait to get tapped to get on TV and you got six seconds on some weird show.

00:37:52.240 And now we got the internet so we can just put it all out there.

00:37:54.440 Yeah.

00:37:55.400 Now you can just be like, hey, I'm an alcoholic and just tell people straight up.

00:37:59.260 Exactly.

00:37:59.860 And a lot of comedians in the world were just alcoholics that were trying to stay away from

00:38:03.580 their families or wives at night.

00:38:05.880 100%.

00:38:06.240 Let's say that factually and no judgment.

00:38:08.520 I didn't have a wife or anything at that time, but you'd see guys coming in, you know,

00:38:12.100 have a couple in their car.

00:38:13.940 Yes, yes, exactly.

00:38:15.520 We were all, I was terrified.

00:38:17.060 I had stage fright like a motherfucker.

00:38:19.400 We all had stage fright and salt poisoning from living in Louisiana.

00:38:24.380 The gout capital.

00:38:25.900 Oh, yeah.

00:38:26.400 A lot of sodium.

00:38:27.420 Yeah.

00:38:27.580 They had that one comic, Black Gout or whatever his name was.

00:38:30.320 He was just like kind of an older black guy.

00:38:32.380 Yeah.

00:38:32.560 Well, the black comics all had like chicken fry, cornbread, red bean.

00:38:36.880 Red bean.

00:38:37.540 Yep.

00:38:37.960 Yep.

00:38:38.400 They all had cool names.

00:38:39.640 Salami, Rob.

00:38:41.620 Yeah.

00:38:42.060 They were fun.

00:38:42.940 Gumbo Jones.

00:38:44.100 Spicy Child Evasion.

00:38:46.520 Sickle Cell Johnson.

00:38:48.140 Sickle Cell Wilson.

00:38:50.980 Yeah.

00:38:51.420 Yeah.

00:38:51.480 Those were wild times.

00:38:52.900 We all got along.

00:38:53.700 Oh, it was so much fun.

00:38:55.080 So much fun.

00:38:56.240 T-Ray.

00:38:56.960 Remember him?

00:38:57.400 T-Ray.

00:38:58.420 Holy shit.

00:38:58.740 He was a pro when we started.

00:39:00.880 That dude was a legend in Louisiana.

00:39:03.080 He was a legend, dude.

00:39:04.540 First comic I ever saw.

00:39:05.780 Remember the Funny Bone in Baton Rouge?

00:39:08.060 Yes.

00:39:08.320 They had a Funny Bone.

00:39:09.040 I saw Chris Porter there in like 2002 or something.

00:39:12.620 Yeah.

00:39:13.040 And he was killing.

00:39:14.020 I still remember his act.

00:39:15.480 He had a bit about, he's like, smoking and drinking, they go together.

00:39:19.200 You can drink without smoking, but you can't smoke without drinking.

00:39:22.560 It's kind of like, you can take a piss without shitting, but you can't shit without pissing.

00:39:26.680 And I was like, blew my fucking mind.

00:39:29.920 Where are we?

00:39:31.200 Yeah.

00:39:32.420 God, dude.

00:39:33.200 Yeah.

00:39:33.480 Chris Porter.

00:39:34.380 And that's when he got onto Last Comic too.

00:39:36.580 Yes.

00:39:37.240 Yes.

00:39:37.600 I remember.

00:39:38.600 And that's when kind of the handicapped era started on Last Comic with Josh Blue, who

00:39:43.060 was hilarious, who made, Josh Blue was one of the best at having a disability, but also

00:39:46.540 being a comedian, right?

00:39:47.600 Yeah.

00:39:47.760 But I think it definitely launched a wave of, you know, and it kind of ended with that

00:39:51.820 guy who faked having cancer for Ellen or whatever.

00:39:54.540 Oh, yeah.

00:39:55.420 Yeah.

00:39:55.600 That was bad.

00:39:56.680 That was bad.

00:39:57.380 Chocolate Cancer.

00:39:58.260 What was that guy's name?

00:39:59.080 The comedian?

00:40:00.240 What was that guy's name?

00:40:01.500 I think it was Bob Melanoma.

00:40:02.700 Oh, I think it was Jarvis Malignant.

00:40:07.980 That's great.

00:40:09.480 Yeah.

00:40:09.800 He colon cancer Powell.

00:40:12.460 It was fucking benign Johnson.

00:40:16.340 You better get that lump checked out, Peter.

00:40:19.260 But yeah, he, oh, that shit.

00:40:20.620 I feel bad calling him out, but he got kind of called out and then he got an HBO special

00:40:25.920 and then it all just went to shit.

00:40:27.660 Yeah.

00:40:27.960 Let's just click on that right there.

00:40:29.580 Whatever Happened to the Comedian that, Quincy Jones was his name.

00:40:33.880 Jones graduated from, on August 25th, Jones was diagnosed with stage four mesothelioma

00:40:39.100 and given one year to live.

00:40:40.320 He began receiving treatment with chemo.

00:40:42.320 Friends set up a Kickstarter for him to produce a stand-up comedy special starring Jones.

00:40:46.060 His story went viral after he appeared on Ellen.

00:40:48.740 After he raised $50,000, wow, that's incredible.

00:40:51.140 Jones filmed a comedy special at the Terragram Ballroom in LA titled Burning the Light.

00:40:57.360 That's a great name for it too.

00:40:59.080 Yeah.

00:41:01.180 Whatever happened after that, anything?

00:41:02.840 Go to that Reddit page then.

00:41:04.140 Let's get some real info.

00:41:05.220 Well, it's a weird thing when you tell people you have cancer because then they get mad that

00:41:08.040 you're alive.

00:41:09.120 That's a weird place to be in life.

00:41:10.700 Oh, you're still alive?

00:41:11.660 Fuck you.

00:41:12.320 Yeah.

00:41:12.540 We had a guy like that who had done a couple of fundraisers or whatever and he was still

00:41:15.960 alive and people would get so fucking pissed at him.

00:41:18.100 Yeah.

00:41:18.480 We gave you money.

00:41:19.260 We did a GoFundMe and you're supposed to be dead.

00:41:21.460 Yeah.

00:41:22.100 Right.

00:41:22.180 Get in the coffin.

00:41:23.160 F*** it.

00:41:24.160 Exactly.

00:41:24.480 I was like, why is he gay?

00:41:26.100 Just because he lied about that.

00:41:27.480 That's true.

00:41:30.760 But I remember back then I was like, oh my God, I wish I got cancer because it was so

00:41:34.260 hard to get a special or on TV.

00:41:35.800 Oh, totally.

00:41:36.240 I was like, oh, every mole I had, I was like, check this bitch.

00:41:39.040 Yeah.

00:41:39.520 Put me in the sun and some radiation on my ass.

00:41:42.440 I'll start smoking.

00:41:43.180 I would put little fake moles on my arm when I went on stage.

00:41:45.980 But whatever happened though, this is curious.

00:41:47.640 He may have just gotten better, which probably made it also uncomfortable for him.

00:41:51.100 Is there any information?

00:41:52.000 Can you scroll up or down or something?

00:41:53.540 I hope he got better.

00:41:54.840 Six years old.

00:41:55.620 It just says that he's still active.

00:41:57.320 Oh.

00:41:58.740 That's tough.

00:41:59.720 That's tough, dude.

00:42:00.520 You got to get into remission.

00:42:02.060 He's like the Magic Johnson of cancer.

00:42:03.880 He won't die.

00:42:06.160 That AIDS.

00:42:07.000 What happened?

00:42:07.500 We used to be so scared of AIDS and Magic Johnson is kicking.

00:42:10.620 He beat AIDS so hard.

00:42:12.140 I will tell a story, though.

00:42:13.380 I've told this before, but I was at a restaurant where someone was choking to death, right?

00:42:18.360 And Magic Johnson was there.

00:42:20.580 So everybody, it was like a Chinese restaurant kind of place.

00:42:24.200 And so they brought out a wall.

00:42:27.640 They brought out a little, one of those Chinese walls they fold up.

00:42:30.880 Ah, a great wall.

00:42:32.320 Yeah, it's like a very great wall, but it's short.

00:42:34.060 I know those.

00:42:34.940 Yeah.

00:42:35.320 You could change behind them or whatever.

00:42:36.900 Yes, change behind them real quick.

00:42:38.780 They brought that out and started doing CPR on the guy behind the wall.

00:42:41.140 And we're all just sitting there.

00:42:43.680 And it's kind of like a nice place.

00:42:45.400 We're all eating.

00:42:45.940 But everybody stopped eating because it's like you can't eat while a guy is like choking

00:42:50.720 and death.

00:42:51.000 Of course, of course.

00:42:51.820 And they're doing CPR and shit on him.

00:42:54.200 So then everybody starts kind of looking at Magic Johnson like when do we eat, right?

00:42:58.180 He became somehow like the liaison of feasting or whatever they call it in the Greek mythology

00:43:07.580 or whatever.

00:43:08.760 And so everybody's like watching him.

00:43:11.600 And you can tell he starts to feel this pressure.

00:43:13.320 When do we eat?

00:43:14.520 And they get the guy back, right?

00:43:16.180 Oh, thank God.

00:43:17.160 So you can hear him.

00:43:18.380 He starts coughing.

00:43:19.360 Everybody claps, right?

00:43:20.440 So everybody takes one bite.

00:43:21.620 And then fucking something happened immediately.

00:43:23.480 And the guy coded.

00:43:24.800 The guy died right there.

00:43:26.360 Shut up.

00:43:27.260 Yeah.

00:43:28.060 Holy shit.

00:43:29.440 Guy died.

00:43:30.060 Now, what do you do with the food?

00:43:31.140 Do you finish it?

00:43:31.880 We waited like seven or eight minutes.

00:43:33.400 And then we ate as quiet as we've ever eaten.

00:43:37.600 Oh, man, that's awkward.

00:43:39.060 They got to wheel them out on the gurney.

00:43:40.420 And you got a mouthful of General Tso.

00:43:42.020 Oh, you chew so quietly, dude.

00:43:44.240 Oh, dude.

00:43:45.320 And if your wife doesn't salute you like that when you eat General Tso, you're not a fucking

00:43:49.940 true American Asian.

00:43:51.920 Yeah, she'll get a Kung Pao.

00:43:53.220 Yeah, that's what I'm saying, dude.

00:43:55.020 I'll fucking, yeah.

00:43:56.780 Speaking of, do you see these Yankee bats, by the way?

00:44:00.360 Oh, I've heard about this.

00:44:01.500 This is pretty well.

00:44:02.120 I want to get your take on these bats.

00:44:03.740 I don't know where the Yankees, their bats are fat as shit.

00:44:07.980 Oh, come on.

00:44:08.980 Nuh-uh.

00:44:09.440 That's what they're using now?

00:44:10.700 The torpedo bat.

00:44:11.780 Yeah.

00:44:12.680 Oh, yeah.

00:44:12.960 They plump them up a little.

00:44:15.060 Like in the middle?

00:44:16.040 Yeah.

00:44:16.700 Like a weird dick that girthy in the middle and then cones out.

00:44:20.020 Well, that seems weird because wouldn't the angle of the bat then affect which direction

00:44:24.520 you're hitting the ball even?

00:44:25.940 Yeah.

00:44:26.300 I think what they engineered it perfectly where it just sails it.

00:44:29.640 It works every time.

00:44:30.840 During spring training, someone in the organization for the Yankees had mentioned to Kay that the

00:44:34.400 team's analytics department had counseled players on where pitches tended to strike their

00:44:38.100 bats and with subsequent buy-in from some of the players' bats had been designed around

00:44:42.480 that information.

00:44:43.880 In the hours before the Yankees' home game against the Brewers that day, Kay, who is the

00:44:49.060 Yankees' play-by-play man, told the YES Network production staff about this, alerting them

00:44:53.740 so they could look for an opportunity to highlight the equipment.

00:44:56.900 After the Yankees clubbed four homers in the first inning, a camera zoomed in on Jay Chisholm's

00:45:02.200 bat in the second inning.

00:45:03.280 You see the shape of Chisholm's bat, Kay said on air.

00:45:06.360 It's got a big barrel on it.

00:45:08.560 Wow.

00:45:09.020 And it does, it has a look towards like the one part, like a snake digesting something

00:45:13.420 a bit.

00:45:14.040 Yes.

00:45:14.440 Yes, exactly.

00:45:16.620 Wow.

00:45:17.120 And how are the Yankees doing so far?

00:45:18.780 Was that just one good game to start off?

00:45:20.500 No, they're killing it.

00:45:21.300 I mean, you got four homers in the first inning.

00:45:22.960 I mean, they're like, they're on fire, which they were already a good team, but now they

00:45:27.260 got this secret weapon.

00:45:28.920 Oh, they're four and two right now.

00:45:30.100 Gang starting off big.

00:45:31.340 Okay.

00:45:32.780 Still no Otani.

00:45:34.700 That guy's incredible.

00:45:35.920 Oh, he's so good, man.

00:45:37.000 Yeah, that's interesting.

00:45:38.540 How, like, are they allowed to just change their bats like that?

00:45:41.840 Can you look at why they're allowed to do that?

00:45:44.560 I think it's one of those air bud things.

00:45:45.980 It's other than the rule books is you can't have a fat bat or whatever it is.

00:45:49.040 Yeah.

00:45:49.340 The idea of the torpedo bat is to take a size format, say, 34 inches and 32 ounces, and distribute

00:45:55.000 the wood in a different shape than the traditional form to ensure the fattest part of the bat is

00:46:00.980 located where the player makes the most contact.

00:46:04.100 Wow.

00:46:04.680 It's just a loophole.

00:46:05.500 They found a loophole that's still legal.

00:46:07.000 It's the same amount of wood, but they just put it in different spots of the bat.

00:46:11.060 The torpedo bat moves some of the mass on the end of the bat about six to seven inches

00:46:14.700 lower, giving it a bowling pin shape with a much thinner end.

00:46:19.640 The benefits for those who like swinging with it, and not everyone who has swung with it

00:46:22.880 likes it, are twofold.

00:46:23.920 Both are rooted in logic and physics.

00:46:25.760 The first is that distributing more mass to the area of most frequent contact aligns

00:46:29.160 with players' swing patterns and provides greater impact when the bat strikes ball.

00:46:34.320 The second benefit in theory is increased bat speed.

00:46:36.920 Imagine a sledgehammer and a broomstick that both weigh 32 ounces.

00:46:41.040 The sledgehammer's weight is almost all at the end, whereas the broomstick is distributed

00:46:44.920 evenly, which is easier to swing fast.

00:46:47.780 The broomstick, of course.

00:46:48.840 So they're saying that it's slower to swing than new one.

00:46:52.120 Yeah, but it's got more impact.

00:46:55.500 By shedding some of the weight off the end of the torpedo bat and moving it towards the

00:46:59.200 middle, hitters have found it swings very similarly to a traditional model, but with slightly

00:47:04.920 faster bat velocity.

00:47:06.920 Hmm.

00:47:07.780 Huh.

00:47:08.240 I haven't seen a bat like that since the wet market.

00:47:11.260 God, I know, huh?

00:47:12.920 Damn, that's interesting.

00:47:13.820 I wonder what other loopholes have I noticed.

00:47:16.400 What other things?

00:47:17.240 Well, there was a part where they allegedly deflated the balls some.

00:47:20.360 Yeah, yeah, with the Patriots.

00:47:22.160 What else has kind of happened over the years?

00:47:24.540 Hmm.

00:47:25.500 A lot of steroids.

00:47:27.080 Yeah, steroids was so big.

00:47:28.480 I don't know if that's a loophole, but yeah.

00:47:29.940 I'd love to talk to Barry Bonds.

00:47:31.260 It'd be crazy.

00:47:31.780 Oh, man.

00:47:32.920 What a run he had.

00:47:33.760 I know.

00:47:34.780 And he looked crazy, too.

00:47:36.020 He was like a superhuman.

00:47:37.480 Yeah.

00:47:37.940 Mark McGuire.

00:47:39.060 Yeah.

00:47:39.480 Him, too.

00:47:39.920 You could see it.

00:47:40.580 It's like he's pink.

00:47:41.600 He's like he's got like ball skin on his forearms.

00:47:45.580 Dude, can you believe that women like used to not even be able to talk that much?

00:47:49.340 Isn't that crazy?

00:47:50.480 Those were the days.

00:47:51.680 But can you even imagine like you're at dinner and a guy comes up to talk and you talk to

00:47:56.080 him and your wife tries to say something.

00:47:57.300 You're like, honey.

00:47:58.740 Exactly.

00:47:59.720 Let the guy let us do business here.

00:48:01.860 Well, women really got screwed because like they couldn't really make a lot of money back

00:48:05.160 then.

00:48:05.340 So they needed a guy who had a house and a car and a job.

00:48:08.440 So like they had to be nice and play ball.

00:48:11.720 That's got to suck.

00:48:12.900 You imagine the resentment built up in a lot of those women?

00:48:15.420 Oh, of course.

00:48:16.900 That's why a lot of third generation women are squirters, I think, because it's all that

00:48:20.540 resentment built up.

00:48:21.460 That's true.

00:48:22.180 Yeah.

00:48:22.460 It all comes out.

00:48:23.240 That's that's fucking.

00:48:24.400 What do you call that?

00:48:26.140 Oh, what's the word when they can't vote?

00:48:29.480 Oh, that's suppression.

00:48:31.080 No, there's a word when they can't vote.

00:48:34.360 We'll get it right.

00:48:35.140 Voter suppression.

00:48:36.440 Something like that.

00:48:39.480 Suffrage.

00:48:40.220 Suffrage.

00:48:40.820 Yeah.

00:48:41.120 Women's suffrage.

00:48:42.460 That's women's suffrage.

00:48:43.840 Yes.

00:48:44.040 Yeah.

00:48:44.240 It's a streamline, brother.

00:48:45.720 Yeah.

00:48:46.380 That is a damn damn, huh?

00:48:48.280 You ever got a squirt from a lady?

00:48:49.940 I mean, I oh, I knew a gal that could.

00:48:52.900 Oh, super soak.

00:48:54.080 She know, but she was just articulate.

00:48:56.420 Oh, damn.

00:48:57.620 Like she could.

00:48:58.500 Oh, she could fucking autograph a curtain.

00:49:00.680 I knew a girl definitely that could fucking wash your cat's eyes before you could blink

00:49:05.440 them.

00:49:07.020 It was like those the windshield wipe squirter, you know, you clean the window.

00:49:11.760 Oh, dude.

00:49:12.460 Yeah.

00:49:13.140 Yeah.

00:49:13.340 I had a lady.

00:49:13.900 It was like a like a fire hydrant in a black neighborhood.

00:49:16.700 I mean, she would just stand up and it would gush.

00:49:19.280 It was a great time.

00:49:20.240 I loved it.

00:49:20.780 I mean, my bed was ruined.

00:49:22.920 Oh, dude.

00:49:23.680 And there's a couple of young sisters double dutching in it.

00:49:27.600 That's the craziest part.

00:49:29.480 Oh, yeah.

00:49:30.060 Yeah.

00:49:30.180 Yeah.

00:49:30.380 I love a squirt because with a female orgasm, there's not really a lot of proof.

00:49:33.700 Right.

00:49:34.220 So it's nice to get some results.

00:49:36.220 Oh, yeah.

00:49:36.800 That's David's slopper field on me.

00:49:38.820 That thing is crazy, bro.

00:49:41.620 Those things get going.

00:49:43.140 Yeah.

00:49:43.460 Squirt and Ernie.

00:49:44.360 And sometimes you can't turn them off.

00:49:46.820 No, no.

00:49:47.660 Sometimes a lot of Asians, bro.

00:49:49.100 Sesame Street.

00:49:50.240 Yeah.

00:49:50.880 Yeah.

00:49:51.120 It really is.

00:49:52.120 Tickle me Elmo.

00:49:53.640 But sometimes you're like, enough.

00:49:55.000 You got to put a cork in there or an old rag.

00:49:57.480 Oh, yeah.

00:49:58.020 Dude, it's crazy.

00:49:59.460 Oh, bro.

00:49:59.880 You'd have to put siding on your bed.

00:50:01.380 You need a gutter on the side of your bed just to get some runoff.

00:50:04.320 You got to clean the leaves out every year, but still.

00:50:07.360 Oh, yeah.

00:50:07.980 Dude.

00:50:08.700 Bro.

00:50:08.980 Yeah, you get somebody that's a real galosh or you'd have to fucking somebody like, damn,

00:50:13.720 are you from Maine or something?

00:50:15.180 What's even going on here?

00:50:16.820 Yeah, you need rain boots.

00:50:18.200 It was crazy.

00:50:19.240 Oh, you'd have to use that stuff that you would use on your car.

00:50:21.780 It was like Rain-X.

00:50:23.740 Remember that?

00:50:24.140 Oh, yeah.

00:50:25.480 Dude, when Rain-X came out, we got high.

00:50:27.800 We're like, because we'd seen commercials that would like make the rain bead off the window.

00:50:32.360 Yes, exactly.

00:50:33.360 So we'd Rain-X our cars, get stoned, drive in the rain and watch it bead off.

00:50:37.440 We'd be like.

00:50:38.180 Oh.

00:50:38.980 It's a good time.

00:50:39.900 Those are the good times, dude.

00:50:41.320 Yeah.

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00:53:20.160 Yeah, what was I thinking about, dude?

00:53:22.680 Uh...

00:53:23.240 You want kids?

00:53:24.680 Yeah, I got to get a kid, man.

00:53:25.900 I mean, hey, no pressure.

00:53:26.780 I don't want to be one of those kid guys.

00:53:28.180 You're like, you got to do it.

00:53:29.240 Change your life.

00:53:30.360 Yeah.

00:53:30.580 Super meaningful.

00:53:31.320 I'm not doing that.

00:53:32.340 I'm just saying, you'd be a good dad.

00:53:34.580 Thanks, dude.

00:53:35.100 I appreciate it.

00:53:35.640 I think, yeah, I got to change some of my, a little bit of like some of my patterns, kind

00:53:39.340 of.

00:53:40.160 Well, we all have some fucked up tendencies and all that, but...

00:53:43.860 Did you have, like, how did you change your tendencies to meet a woman?

00:53:47.180 And I know you have a child now, but how did you change your tendencies?

00:53:49.740 Because you were kind of like a rost about man, huh?

00:53:51.760 Sure.

00:53:52.140 A man about town.

00:53:53.100 I like to paint it red, but, uh, I don't know.

00:53:55.560 I just, it was getting older and I knew I wanted kids.

00:53:57.940 And then you start doing the math.

00:53:59.260 You're like, all right, if I have a kid at 50, by the time he's 10, I'll be 60.

00:54:02.980 You had an old dad.

00:54:04.120 Yeah.

00:54:04.480 You know, it's tough on a kid.

00:54:06.780 It's tough.

00:54:07.760 So, and I heard Bill Burst say, not to bring him up again, but he was like, I should have

00:54:11.900 done this 10 years earlier.

00:54:13.040 And I heard that and I was like, oh shit, maybe I should do it now.

00:54:15.860 And he's the truth.

00:54:17.380 Oh yeah.

00:54:18.280 Oh yeah.

00:54:19.360 So.

00:54:19.860 The average age of new fathers in the United States has risen from 30.9, uh, risen to 30.9

00:54:25.640 years.

00:54:26.220 A significant increase from 27.4 years in 1972.

00:54:29.540 Wow.

00:54:30.140 Actually, I thought it'd be higher.

00:54:31.500 So it's going up.

00:54:32.800 So it's almost 31 years right now.

00:54:34.900 Um.

00:54:35.540 Yeah.

00:54:35.680 I live in New York.

00:54:36.260 People are having kids at fucking 45.

00:54:38.680 Like Schultz just had a kid.

00:54:39.920 He's 41.

00:54:41.000 Is he?

00:54:41.620 Yeah.

00:54:41.920 He looks great.

00:54:42.780 Oh, he's a, he's a sexy, sexy man.

00:54:45.240 Definitely.

00:54:46.100 He looks like an old bullfighter or something.

00:54:48.020 Oh, he definitely looks like the last matador.

00:54:50.500 Yeah.

00:54:51.520 Look at that stash and the hair.

00:54:53.600 He looks like definitely the guy that'll turn a triple play at a glory hole, you know?

00:54:57.240 Yeah.

00:54:57.760 Yeah.

00:54:58.160 He looks like a, like a French villain.

00:55:00.300 Oh yeah, he does, dude.

00:55:01.700 Oh, he's always definitely had that very like America's favorite spice trader guy.

00:55:06.880 Right.

00:55:07.480 Right.

00:55:08.020 Like he sells knives in Bangladesh.

00:55:10.040 Dish.

00:55:10.680 Yeah.

00:55:11.040 He definitely looks like a guy that'll sell you a secret.

00:55:14.540 Yes.

00:55:15.020 For sure.

00:55:15.680 Definitely.

00:55:16.240 He's a unique guy.

00:55:17.320 Oh yeah.

00:55:17.780 Oh yeah.

00:55:18.280 He's a very unique guy, dude.

00:55:19.600 His new special, I think is the best looking comedy special I've seen.

00:55:22.940 He, oh yeah.

00:55:23.540 It's, it's so beautiful.

00:55:25.020 Like the beacon theater is killer and the way he starts it with that montage.

00:55:28.300 Yeah.

00:55:28.660 Like you get choked up.

00:55:30.400 I thought it was really, really amazing.

00:55:32.320 Um, you have a child now, man.

00:55:34.180 Yeah.

00:55:34.440 It's crazy.

00:55:35.100 That's insane to see you right now and be talking to you for the past 40 minutes and

00:55:39.500 then realize this guy has a human child.

00:55:41.960 I mean, it'll get taken away at some point, but for now, let it ride.

00:55:46.320 God, probably from ice or whatever.

00:55:48.140 Yeah.

00:55:48.620 Yeah.

00:55:48.780 There it is.

00:55:49.360 Wow.

00:55:49.900 Wow.

00:55:50.240 What sad news source reported on that.

00:55:52.740 May Planner gives birth to her first child with Mark Norman.

00:55:55.760 Look at that fat little nugget there.

00:55:57.620 It's got a bad hairline already.

00:55:59.440 Wow.

00:55:59.700 Very much has that Kevin from the office look.

00:56:02.480 Yeah.

00:56:03.160 Yeah.

00:56:03.420 Um, wow.

00:56:04.760 Your wife looks great.

00:56:05.960 Even post birth right there.

00:56:07.680 She killed it.

00:56:08.460 Yeah.

00:56:08.640 She looked good the whole time and she did the old C-sect.

00:56:11.420 So the, the clam is intact.

00:56:13.260 Yeah.

00:56:14.340 Fresh seafood.

00:56:15.700 Yeah.

00:56:16.380 You know what I'm saying?

00:56:17.860 Yeah.

00:56:18.800 Still oyster shucking.

00:56:20.240 But yeah, you really, you really, you really get all mushy with the thing.

00:56:23.340 Being as cynical as comedians are, right?

00:56:25.640 What does cynical mean?

00:56:27.000 Uh, like negative and always looking at the bad, not the good.

00:56:30.380 I think something like that.

00:56:31.580 I think it, well, I noticed for myself, it's hard for me sometimes, or it used to be for

00:56:35.120 sure.

00:56:35.660 And when like something was really real, like a real moment, it was hard for me to like

00:56:39.320 experience it as a real moment.

00:56:40.960 Who are you talking to here?

00:56:42.320 Yeah.

00:56:42.820 Come on.

00:56:43.320 I thought that was you.

00:56:44.400 Yeah.

00:56:44.740 I'm autism.

00:56:45.880 Yeah.

00:56:46.160 And so was that kind of, did that come into play at all?

00:56:49.400 Do you notice that part of you come in and you almost have to stop it?

00:56:52.480 Like, yes, yes.

00:56:53.520 But with the baby, you can't help it.

00:56:55.320 Like you're, you're talking baby talk and you're just like gushing with love and you

00:56:59.720 pour it right on them and you feel it and you go, fuck it.

00:57:02.260 I'm doing it anyway.

00:57:03.140 I'm letting go.

00:57:04.380 I'm going to love this kid.

00:57:05.540 So it feels really real.

00:57:06.740 So it's like super real feeling.

00:57:08.140 Super real.

00:57:08.780 I mean, that came out of your ball bag and her stomach.

00:57:12.400 I mean, the whole thing is, it's surreal that you made this thing and it's going to

00:57:17.060 grow up and have a personality and, you know, weird addictions and, you know, thoughts on

00:57:22.420 races and that's all going to form right there in his little noggin.

00:57:26.380 God, it's fascinating.

00:57:28.540 Does it create a new relationship with your wife?

00:57:30.820 Like, is there now some like, cause I've heard Schultz say that like, you know, you

00:57:34.400 now like he would have times where he would call his wife to check on the baby and not

00:57:37.440 be checking on her kind of.

00:57:38.720 And so like he said, just there were little dynamics like that, that he started to notice

00:57:43.060 where, does it make like a new relationship with you and your wife?

00:57:46.960 Does things still seem the same?

00:57:48.360 Does it, or everything's just normal?

00:57:50.520 Like any thoughts on any of that?

00:57:52.140 It's super different.

00:57:53.120 Like the baby becomes the priority.

00:57:55.680 So you start to forget about each other.

00:57:57.500 You know, it just becomes like, all right, I'll take them for this moment.

00:58:00.500 You take them for that moment.

00:58:01.520 You feed them.

00:58:02.100 Did you, did you put them down?

00:58:03.260 How's that going?

00:58:03.860 And so it turns into scheduling and very, um, like calculated almost.

00:58:07.980 So you got to stay lovey.

00:58:09.400 You got to stay a couple.

00:58:11.300 And so it's kind of like the two of you versus the baby and you become a team, but you got

00:58:16.080 to make the team fun.

00:58:17.100 You can't just go all in on logistics.

00:58:19.340 You got to still be cuddly and sexy and all that shit and fun.

00:58:24.340 And is it hard?

00:58:25.460 How long do you have to wait before you can be sexually active with your spouse?

00:58:29.060 I think it was six weeks.

00:58:30.300 So we did like six weeks and a day before I went, and I jizzed in her on accident.

00:58:36.160 And I was like, what am I doing?

00:58:37.600 I'm an idiot.

00:58:38.860 This is how the Jackson 5 started, you know?

00:58:41.360 Why would you do that?

00:58:42.440 I was like, I was, I had been so long and I lasted like eight seconds and, uh, I couldn't

00:58:48.780 pull out.

00:58:49.240 It felt good at that warm meat pocket.

00:58:52.020 So I.

00:58:52.760 Dude, you knew what just happened there.

00:58:54.740 I know.

00:58:55.420 I know.

00:58:55.980 I'm an idiot.

00:58:56.420 But hopefully she's barren at this point.

00:58:58.740 But that's like, go.

00:58:59.800 It's like, like walking out of a burning building, right?

00:59:03.680 And going into another one.

00:59:05.040 And then, yeah, hold on.

00:59:06.180 And then.

00:59:06.720 It's like leaving tower one and going into tower two.

00:59:08.760 Yeah.

00:59:09.180 And it says gas above the door.

00:59:11.160 And you go in there and fucking blaze up a smoke.

00:59:13.520 I know.

00:59:14.100 I couldn't help it.

00:59:14.920 And she was like, what the fuck are you doing?

00:59:16.460 And I was like, you're right.

00:59:17.280 You're right.

00:59:18.060 So.

00:59:18.900 Do you think you did that?

00:59:20.000 Is it almost, was it territorial or were you just partying?

00:59:22.300 I think I was partying.

00:59:23.140 I let loose too much.

00:59:24.540 I, I, I'm an idiot, but I'm, I'm just lucky we had a kid.

00:59:28.180 The, the normal way, the old fashioned way.

00:59:30.380 Everyone else is doing the IVF and adopting and all that.

00:59:33.240 So.

00:59:33.620 Yeah.

00:59:34.260 That's nice.

00:59:34.800 These kids can swim.

00:59:36.740 Oh, that is nice, man.

00:59:38.040 I worry about that.

00:59:39.040 Someone had a baby out of their butt too.

00:59:40.500 Did you see that?

00:59:41.880 No, no.

00:59:42.860 Bring that up.

00:59:43.880 An ass baby.

00:59:44.720 That's tough.

00:59:45.960 Well.

00:59:47.080 It's a.

00:59:47.800 That's some good sperm.

00:59:48.700 These days, it's the only way to get into this country.

00:59:50.780 It feels like anal birth.

00:59:53.760 Let's look at them.

00:59:56.520 Oh, that's on Apple.

00:59:57.660 Whoa.

00:59:58.140 Whoa.

00:59:58.500 Buddy.

00:59:58.880 Hold on.

01:00:00.260 Anyone else hard?

01:00:01.740 God, bro.

01:00:02.840 Jesus.

01:00:03.480 Just the article.

01:00:04.700 That was wild.

01:00:05.800 There's no article.

01:00:06.820 There is.

01:00:07.340 There was something on there.

01:00:08.440 Those are bands.

01:00:10.280 Oh, there are.

01:00:11.140 Yeah.

01:00:11.640 They'll come around.

01:00:12.600 Somebody will write the article.

01:00:14.060 Yeah.

01:00:14.640 Is that real?

01:00:15.480 Huh?

01:00:15.860 Real ass baby?

01:00:16.600 It has to have had happened.

01:00:17.840 Wow.

01:00:18.680 I guess it just came out the wrong chute, you know?

01:00:21.460 Yeah.

01:00:21.620 The baby, a lot of them are working backwards.

01:00:23.220 It's like, yeah.

01:00:23.960 Have you ever seen those pictures of those guys that get stuck in those tunnels like in

01:00:27.220 fucking.

01:00:27.980 Jews?

01:00:28.720 Yeah, of course.

01:00:30.200 But the baby, it just got off on the wrong exit.

01:00:32.380 They don't have GPS, you know?

01:00:33.860 Still.

01:00:34.320 They should have.

01:00:35.160 Yeah.

01:00:35.580 But it's like head towards the light, brother.

01:00:38.340 I guess so.

01:00:39.100 Yeah.

01:00:39.600 Avoid the boom boom and go with the clam clam.

01:00:42.480 Come on.

01:00:43.140 God, dude.

01:00:43.780 That's crazy, man.

01:00:44.940 That is crazy.

01:00:46.000 It's weird how close they are.

01:00:47.360 Isn't that weird?

01:00:47.980 The butthole and the vagina, they're like an inch apart.

01:00:50.120 Put them further apart.

01:00:51.740 What are we doing here?

01:00:52.560 It's like Israel and Palestine.

01:00:54.620 I know.

01:00:54.840 It's two arch enemies living right next door to each other.

01:00:56.800 That's ridiculous, dude.

01:00:58.080 And the Gaza Strip right in the middle.

01:01:01.140 What has, speaking of that, has there been like a lot of turmoil in, do you see a lot

01:01:06.280 of turmoil in New York City?

01:01:07.800 Yeah.

01:01:08.220 Oh, yeah.

01:01:08.620 It's crazy.

01:01:09.260 Is it really?

01:01:09.860 It's real.

01:01:10.500 I mean, Columbia University is a hotbed of controversy, and they deported that guy, whatever

01:01:15.940 his name, Muhammad Falafel Face.

01:01:19.840 And yeah, it's rough.

01:01:20.960 Yeah.

01:01:21.080 And one of the food trucks went missing, too, ironically, the same day.

01:01:24.640 Bring that guy up.

01:01:25.340 Is that right?

01:01:26.400 I don't know.

01:01:27.260 Oh, I didn't hear about the old PETA.

01:01:29.980 I can't believe, after all the things that have been said, that's the one where you say

01:01:35.400 is that right?

01:01:36.260 I mean, I believe it.

01:01:37.580 That shawarma is missing.

01:01:39.140 Oh, dude.

01:01:40.240 Yeah, dude.

01:01:41.040 Shawarma's my heart.

01:01:41.960 Oh, shawarma's my heart.

01:01:43.560 How is that not a shirt?

01:01:44.420 Or I'm sure it's the name of a food truck.

01:01:45.800 It's got to be.

01:01:47.080 Yeah.

01:01:47.300 What do we know about foreign college students targeted for deportation?

01:01:50.660 Yeah.

01:01:50.760 Which one did they have?

01:01:52.600 The Trump administration has set off a legal and ethical firestorm by targeting international

01:01:56.920 students at U.S. colleges for deportation, including some whom the government alleges

01:02:01.520 participated in pro-Palestinian protests or activities on campus.

01:02:05.300 I will say, to be a Jewish guy around this has got to be awkward.

01:02:09.680 Like, I feel like there's a lot of anti-Semitism hurled at them, and no one seems to give a shit.

01:02:14.920 Like, if you make black comments, it's like, it's a bad, it's national news.

01:02:20.280 But I don't think anyone really gives a shit about the Jew feelings.

01:02:24.300 Yeah, well, I think you have to, I think you have to be able to separate that.

01:02:27.860 That's a good point.

01:02:29.000 They don't get the, they don't get the, uh, the oppression points that other groups get.

01:02:33.820 That's a good point.

01:02:35.440 Yeah, that's a good point, man.

01:02:36.700 Well, cause I think that they've, from what I've learned, they've been like, had a tough

01:02:40.600 time finding a territory to live in, right?

01:02:42.400 Yes.

01:02:42.720 Like, historically, that they've had a tough time finding a place to live in.

01:02:46.080 And I think what the, what just hasn't helped has been the shit in Gaza.

01:02:52.080 It's like, I think it's just made like, um, and then there's a lot of, I think people start

01:02:57.700 looking then at like ownership and oppressors.

01:03:00.060 Right.

01:03:00.300 And I think you have a lot of Jewish people that are super successful.

01:03:03.360 They're good at being successful.

01:03:05.220 Oh, the best thing on the weather, the best, right?

01:03:08.260 Got it all.

01:03:08.700 And so then I think it doesn't, that makes things like, I think that's where people take

01:03:15.460 one bridge, go from one thing and bridge to another.

01:03:18.400 Yes.

01:03:18.720 Yes, exactly.

01:03:19.800 And there's so much nuance here too, that people forget it's just good versus evil, but

01:03:23.360 there's, there's complex shit going on here.

01:03:26.400 It's a lot of layers.

01:03:27.440 We want to just put black and white, but it's.

01:03:30.200 It's true.

01:03:30.740 There's a lot of layers.

01:03:31.400 It's hard to figure a lot of it out.

01:03:32.800 Oh yeah.

01:03:33.680 Um, Mahmoud Khalil, I think that's what you're talking about.

01:03:36.420 A 30 year old Columbia university, international affairs, graduate student of Palestinian descent

01:03:41.260 was arrested on March 8th when ice agents appeared at his student apartment building.

01:03:45.660 Can you even imagine that?

01:03:46.900 I would think it was like one of those fraternity things they do in the morning or whatever.

01:03:49.920 Yeah.

01:03:50.200 Yeah.

01:03:50.520 Like a initiation where they spray a air horn on you or hit you with a fire extinguisher.

01:03:55.120 Yeah.

01:03:56.100 Yeah.

01:03:56.500 It was like a Sigma alpha genocide or whatever.

01:03:59.480 And they're fucking taking you outside to tickle you until you fucking, uh, piss gin or

01:04:04.760 whatever.

01:04:06.760 Khalil is married to an American citizen who's pregnant with their first child.

01:04:09.820 The Trump administration accused Khalil, a Palestinian activist of supporting Hamas and

01:04:13.860 distributing pro Hamas propaganda, though it has provided no evidence to support this

01:04:18.480 claim.

01:04:18.980 Wow.

01:04:19.600 Yikes.

01:04:20.200 It's a tough time.

01:04:22.700 Because then you also wonder like what, like if, if there's Israeli influence, cause that's

01:04:27.060 a big thing now, like how much Israeli influence is there in like American politics, you know?

01:04:30.940 Oh, it's a lot.

01:04:31.620 And it seems to be a ton.

01:04:32.780 I feel like America is just like, it feels like we're just owned by Israel, you know?

01:04:37.240 And we just never knew it.

01:04:38.640 I thought we owned them.

01:04:39.880 That's what I thought.

01:04:40.720 Uh oh.

01:04:41.380 But here's the thing.

01:04:42.100 If we're just a team, then just tell us we're a fucking team.

01:04:44.420 Right.

01:04:44.900 Tell us anything.

01:04:45.680 We're all in the dark here.

01:04:46.620 Everything's going over our yarmulke.

01:04:48.020 I don't know what's happening.

01:04:49.240 Yeah, dude.

01:04:50.100 Everything's fucking sliding right over that little hair wallet.

01:04:52.920 Yeah.

01:04:53.560 Right.

01:04:53.880 But dude, that's the thing I think that would help everybody if they would just say, hey, this

01:04:58.960 is what's fucking really going on.

01:05:00.740 Yes.

01:05:01.660 So, cause otherwise I think you're just, there's still this ruse of pretending that people aren't

01:05:08.160 going to maybe figure it out.

01:05:09.680 Or if you let people start to figure it out themselves, then a lot of times people go

01:05:13.640 to the worst place in their minds, right?

01:05:15.800 Yes.

01:05:16.280 And you pick a side and that's it.

01:05:18.300 It's just, fuck that side.

01:05:20.320 We're left in the dark.

01:05:21.640 Light a menorah.

01:05:22.560 Get some light in here.

01:05:23.480 Yeah.

01:05:23.720 Light one of the candles.

01:05:25.020 One of them.

01:05:25.620 Give us three out of eight.

01:05:26.700 Yeah.

01:05:27.460 That's not bad.

01:05:28.060 Is it nine?

01:05:28.760 I think it's eight.

01:05:29.460 Yeah.

01:05:30.140 Give that a check, but I think it's eight.

01:05:31.840 But I agree, dude.

01:05:33.380 And also like how to be supportive of your Jewish friendship that, you know, it's like.

01:05:37.980 Oh, it is nine.

01:05:38.860 Shit.

01:05:39.100 My bad.

01:05:40.220 Well done.

01:05:41.780 Labia menorah.

01:05:42.840 They snuck one in.

01:05:44.960 Yeah, they always do.

01:05:46.400 Yeah.

01:05:47.920 Look it.

01:05:48.460 That's the guy they caught?

01:05:49.700 He'll get laid off this though.

01:05:50.960 He's got some, he's got some deported pussy.

01:05:53.560 Oh, definitely, dude.

01:05:55.400 He's a bad boy.

01:05:56.560 He is, huh?

01:05:57.520 Yeah.

01:05:59.400 Mamou Khalil speaks to members of media about the revolt for Rafah encampment at Columbia University.

01:06:04.460 Dude, I think, but also, dude, the shit that's going on over there is so horrific.

01:06:09.480 Here's what I think has happened in Gaza recently, right?

01:06:11.940 I think they are testing a lot of like the technology and things that they've, weapons and stuff.

01:06:19.900 I think they're testing it on that place.

01:06:22.600 Who's they?

01:06:23.460 Israel?

01:06:23.900 Israel.

01:06:24.160 Oh, boy, you're obsessed with Gaza.

01:06:26.400 This is really taking over a lot of the old brain.

01:06:29.040 Well, I'm just.

01:06:29.880 I think I got, maybe I got caught in a fucking Twitter hole the other night.

01:06:32.400 Oh, yeah.

01:06:32.700 That'll get you, man.

01:06:33.440 You gotta be careful.

01:06:33.720 I had to call Sean Ryan and tell him, like, dude, everything's okay, right?

01:06:36.400 I fucking, I got scared.

01:06:38.660 Yeah, holy shit.

01:06:40.520 But don't, that shit'll make you sad.

01:06:42.940 Don't let it in.

01:06:43.660 No, I agree, dude.

01:06:43.840 Don't absorb it too much.

01:06:45.040 Yeah.

01:06:45.740 Yeah, let's get off, we'll get off of it.

01:06:48.320 I mean, I don't know enough about it.

01:06:50.280 But then sometimes it's heartbreaking.

01:06:51.040 Yeah, I don't either.

01:06:51.720 But sometimes it's just heartbreaking.

01:06:53.020 Of course.

01:06:53.740 When you're like, how is this fucking going on?

01:06:55.580 Yeah, yeah.

01:06:56.020 Or is there something that we don't know?

01:06:57.840 Then just tell us that shit.

01:06:59.320 I know, I know.

01:07:00.640 They won't tell us, they think we can't handle it, but this is way worse.

01:07:03.460 Now we're all killing each other and fighting in the streets.

01:07:05.840 I agree.

01:07:06.340 That's the thing.

01:07:07.020 It's like, just tell us what is fucking going on.

01:07:09.360 Yes.

01:07:10.260 You know?

01:07:10.760 Does that make sense to you too, or do I sound crazy saying that?

01:07:13.460 No, I'm with you, 100%.

01:07:14.800 We don't know what's going on.

01:07:16.260 It's like the drones.

01:07:17.200 We had all these drones in New York, and everybody's like, is it weapons?

01:07:20.500 Is it China?

01:07:21.440 Is it this?

01:07:22.080 And we're like, just tell us so we can go to fucking lunch and not freak out every day.

01:07:26.320 I had to tell my niece that was Santa.

01:07:27.920 Yeah.

01:07:28.160 Is it fucking Papa John delivering N-words to people?

01:07:30.880 Yeah.

01:07:31.860 That's a service.

01:07:33.000 Remember when he had that deal, dude?

01:07:34.640 Yeah, Black Olives Matter.

01:07:37.660 I don't know.

01:07:38.400 Do black people go Papa John?

01:07:40.280 What's the pizza of John?

01:07:41.180 I thought they were more of a Domino's group.

01:07:43.100 That's a good question.

01:07:44.220 First of all, why don't they have more black-specific businesses, dude?

01:07:49.200 Interesting.

01:07:50.560 You got boo-boo.

01:07:52.440 But where's the Black Pizza Company, right?

01:07:55.240 Right, right.

01:07:56.500 Yeah, that's a good question.

01:07:58.960 They like to play Domino's, or maybe that's Puerto Ricans.

01:08:01.540 No, but still, that's close enough, right?

01:08:03.380 Yeah.

01:08:04.600 It's like, why is there not more, what's the top black-owned pizza company?

01:08:09.000 And I believe this about a lot of things.

01:08:10.580 Like, where are the fucking black-owned businesses?

01:08:14.000 Yes.

01:08:14.940 They're out there.

01:08:16.020 We just got to blow them up.

01:08:17.240 Right.

01:08:17.540 There we go.

01:08:17.920 That's a good point.

01:08:19.140 So, um...

01:08:19.940 Okay.

01:08:20.100 Slim and Huskies.

01:08:20.940 Slim and Huskies.

01:08:21.480 That's in, uh...

01:08:23.320 I think that's here.

01:08:24.680 Yes, that's in Tennessee.

01:08:25.660 Oh, there we go!

01:08:27.360 Dude, I met the owner.

01:08:28.580 Bring the owner up.

01:08:31.000 I met him one time over at Fenwick's here in town.

01:08:34.140 Nice.

01:08:34.660 Dude, you saved my day today, man.

01:08:36.940 Hey, we're saving their day.

01:08:38.080 Go to Slim and Huskies.

01:08:39.200 Get a fucking pie from these guys.

01:08:41.660 Go to Slim and Huskies.

01:08:42.580 Get that fucking father figure omelet.

01:08:45.160 You know what I'm saying, dude?

01:08:46.780 No, but go to Slim and Huskies.

01:08:48.000 There they are.

01:08:48.500 They're the dogs right there.

01:08:49.380 Who are they?

01:08:50.860 Oh, there they are right there.

01:08:51.820 Clint Gray, Derek Moore, and Emmanuel Reed, baby.

01:08:55.300 Hell yeah.

01:08:56.360 Hell yeah, dude.

01:08:57.440 Get the fucking Big Dog Special over there.

01:09:00.440 The founding, the trio, who are also Tennessee State Alumni,

01:09:04.320 Tennessee State University.

01:09:06.020 Shout out TSU, where my buddy Zeta played kicker over there.

01:09:08.940 He was the only white kid over there.

01:09:10.600 Oh, yeah.

01:09:11.060 Kickers are how we slide in.

01:09:12.660 Oh, yeah, dude.

01:09:14.240 That's it.

01:09:15.000 Yeah, but my buddy, John Laster, he has a thing called Blap,

01:09:18.500 and it's a black app.

01:09:20.280 It's like an app for black-owned businesses.

01:09:22.580 Really?

01:09:22.980 So, yeah, that's something.

01:09:24.220 Get that shit.

01:09:24.780 Yeah, go to Blap.

01:09:26.160 Check it out.

01:09:27.120 Dude, this is one thing I think that a lot of cultures and ethnicities

01:09:30.700 can learn from Jewish culture is how to, like, support your culture, right?

01:09:36.220 Yeah.

01:09:36.660 Like, we should do that.

01:09:39.620 I think other groups should do it.

01:09:41.100 I think other cultures may do it better than, like, Christians and Muslims.

01:09:47.160 Yeah.

01:09:47.460 But Jewish people do it well.

01:09:48.960 They support their friends.

01:09:49.940 They support their creations and the things that their friends make, you know?

01:09:54.840 Yeah.

01:09:55.180 I mean, they had to.

01:09:56.120 I think they got pushed around.

01:09:57.140 So, they're like, we got to start our own shit.

01:09:58.480 We got to start law firms and real estate and diamonds.

01:10:01.680 But they do a lot of stuff like invest in their children, their children, like, you know,

01:10:05.780 like learning, education.

01:10:07.780 I think a lot can be learned from that culture, man.

01:10:09.500 Is that crazy to say that?

01:10:10.460 I completely agree.

01:10:11.140 I mean, I'm circumcised.

01:10:12.120 So, there you go.

01:10:12.780 We took that from them.

01:10:13.840 Yeah.

01:10:14.260 Are you?

01:10:15.320 Huh?

01:10:15.660 Are you cut?

01:10:16.520 Dun, dun, dun.

01:10:17.720 Oh, baby.

01:10:18.940 Auction off, dude.

01:10:20.140 Call in if you fuck Theo.

01:10:21.640 The last inch, they call it.

01:10:25.260 Dude, yeah, let's talk about something else that's more fun, man.

01:10:28.480 Sorry.

01:10:29.120 No, no.

01:10:29.620 I mean, I'm interested.

01:10:30.560 I just.

01:10:30.940 But I think I was just curious what it's like in New York City because, you know.

01:10:33.620 You can feel it.

01:10:34.500 It's there.

01:10:35.120 You remember how, like, BLM, you could feel in 2020 or whatever that was.

01:10:38.160 You could just kind of feel it.

01:10:39.220 There was an energy.

01:10:40.280 It's that.

01:10:41.140 In New York with Jew Palestine.

01:10:43.200 Yeah.

01:10:43.700 And it's heavy.

01:10:45.080 Is it?

01:10:45.620 Oh, yeah.

01:10:46.460 Wow.

01:10:47.720 So.

01:10:48.000 Well, it's kind of crazy that two years ago you couldn't even say the word Israel.

01:10:51.000 It felt like on a podcast.

01:10:52.620 I mean, you could always say Jews are great or whatever you say.

01:10:54.880 Sure, sure.

01:10:55.740 Right.

01:10:56.440 It's an interesting group because they're cloaked in whiteness.

01:10:59.100 So, you can't really tell.

01:11:00.200 It's the only group.

01:11:00.920 You don't like Asians.

01:11:02.800 You can kind of eyeball it.

01:11:04.500 Yeah.

01:11:05.060 You know what I mean.

01:11:05.660 But Jews, it's just like a white guy.

01:11:09.320 Yeah.

01:11:10.040 You know?

01:11:10.380 It's just a honky.

01:11:11.320 It's like a very successful honky.

01:11:13.320 Yeah.

01:11:13.860 I mean, again, an Ari Shafir.

01:11:15.260 That's like Jewish propaganda.

01:11:17.280 I mean, that's a mug.

01:11:18.240 Yeah, that is.

01:11:19.240 He's working for someone.

01:11:20.860 Yeah.

01:11:21.920 Yeah.

01:11:23.160 His show's coming back.

01:11:24.440 That's right.

01:11:25.380 Are you going to be able to do an episode of it?

01:11:27.120 I am.

01:11:27.500 I'm working on a story now.

01:11:28.660 I got to work on one dude.

01:11:29.880 He asked me.

01:11:30.340 I just fucking, it's been hard.

01:11:31.660 It's a lot of work because you got to go out and run that.

01:11:34.260 It's 10 minutes of awkward, weird, hey, is this where the story should go?

01:11:38.160 And how do I end it?

01:11:39.100 But you got to do it.

01:11:40.320 I don't know if I can get it right now.

01:11:42.120 Yeah.

01:11:42.660 I just don't know if I can get it ready.

01:11:44.580 But I think I got to do this podcast coming up.

01:11:47.280 Well, your last one was killer with the cabbie and the coke.

01:11:49.860 Oh, that cocaine.

01:11:50.560 That was like my first story.

01:11:51.840 That was like when I started talking about like being sober and shit like that.

01:11:56.340 That blew up.

01:11:57.440 I mean, people really connected with that.

01:11:59.220 That story was crazy.

01:12:00.880 I remember one part of it, this girl like laying in my lap and like we were just like

01:12:04.560 both like, we both had been drinking or whatever and I'm trying to like lean down and kiss her

01:12:09.820 and I couldn't get to her face, you know?

01:12:12.480 Oh, yeah.

01:12:13.380 Oh, yeah.

01:12:14.320 And you get so close and you're right there and she's fucking, you know.

01:12:17.660 It's like trying to blow yourself.

01:12:18.860 You get so close.

01:12:19.740 It's right there.

01:12:21.100 God, that's a fucking Adam's apple stops you.

01:12:24.080 Isn't that crazy?

01:12:25.340 Yeah, I got a lick once, but I hurt myself.

01:12:27.780 I like pulled a muscle.

01:12:28.740 Oh, that's the worst when a guy's getting a Toradol shot because he's fucking tongue

01:12:34.220 washing his own keck.

01:12:35.580 Yeah, I got to do yoga or something.

01:12:37.380 Oh, dude, yeah.

01:12:38.880 Oh, that's the craziest though, dude.

01:12:41.960 You asked Trump about coke.

01:12:43.260 Was that?

01:12:43.840 Give it to me straight.

01:12:45.240 I've known you for a while.

01:12:46.260 How scary was it having him right next to you?

01:12:49.740 Well, I'd seen him at UFC fights.

01:12:51.720 I know, but this is like face to face podcasting.

01:12:56.220 I mean, conversation.

01:12:57.220 I think I've felt for a while that things are turning into the WWE, that nobody's like super

01:13:02.760 famous anymore.

01:13:03.900 Things are merging pretty quick.

01:13:05.900 It's like you have people who are coming up with like a crazy lyric on TikTok that are

01:13:10.140 now selling out big music venues that bands who have been performing for 15 years can't

01:13:15.600 sell out.

01:13:16.000 Right.

01:13:16.140 So it's like, I think everything's just getting weird.

01:13:18.840 It's like you could have like, you know, a year and a half ago sketch that what's up,

01:13:24.120 brother?

01:13:24.400 That guy was probably for two months was the most popular guy in the world.

01:13:29.600 Maybe totally like everything's just it's very strange now.

01:13:33.980 So, yeah, there's the lines are blurred.

01:13:35.720 It used to be like celebrity.

01:13:36.780 Not now.

01:13:37.340 It's just everybody's in there.

01:13:38.700 Right.

01:13:38.940 It used to be like you and I would never talk to Harrison Ford.

01:13:42.800 No.

01:13:43.460 Or get to or like Kendall Jenner, you know, it's like but now we have a chance to at

01:13:49.540 least look at them as they drive by.

01:13:51.560 Right.

01:13:52.040 Right.

01:13:52.280 Well, you talk to Shalamu.

01:13:54.240 I mean, he's like one of the biggest actors in the world.

01:13:56.180 You're just hanging out with him.

01:13:57.180 I didn't ask to edit the thing or anything.

01:13:58.860 Totally fucking normal.

01:14:00.100 Cool dude.

01:14:00.880 Regular guy.

01:14:01.920 Yeah.

01:14:02.080 And he's plowing Kendall, which has got to be or Kylie.

01:14:05.100 It's got to be a good time.

01:14:05.980 And it seems like they're honestly like kind of like in lovebirds.

01:14:09.420 Like when I saw them, it just seemed like they're like lovebirds, which made you give

01:14:13.840 you some hope for Hollywood because you just think like everything's so manufactured.

01:14:16.800 But but anyway, that's so that was part of it.

01:14:20.740 The second thing.

01:14:21.600 Oh, dude, I'd had an interview post Malone here the day before.

01:14:24.340 And so I was so like just burnt out.

01:14:26.380 Yeah.

01:14:26.940 And I was just tired.

01:14:28.200 You know, but I just went up there.

01:14:30.160 We flew directly there to his golf course.

01:14:33.800 It was crazy.

01:14:34.540 Like rich people were everywhere.

01:14:36.060 Like kids were driving to the bottom of the pool and bringing up mutual funds.

01:14:40.040 Like way different.

01:14:41.900 Damn.

01:14:42.440 Well, that was was that Mar-a-Lago.

01:14:43.840 It was something fancier than that.

01:14:45.640 It was like fancier.

01:14:47.100 It was New Jersey.

01:14:48.600 Oh, OK.

01:14:49.620 It was like Mar-a-Lago or something or whatever they have up there, you know?

01:14:52.600 Yeah.

01:14:53.020 Yeah.

01:14:53.740 Interesting.

01:14:54.140 It was like kind of like this year, like Italian.

01:14:56.680 There it is, dude.

01:14:58.220 Look at that.

01:14:59.140 Wow.

01:15:00.020 And bro, they had ducks out there in the pond that were fucking like organized as fuck.

01:15:06.260 None of these gay ass ducks you see at the park like that are just fucking doing dope

01:15:10.040 or whatever.

01:15:10.360 Right.

01:15:11.020 Eating fucking bread from strangers.

01:15:13.280 These motherfuckers.

01:15:14.320 I saw them polish off I think a sourdough line up in a straight line.

01:15:17.940 Classy.

01:15:18.540 And perform, motherfucker.

01:15:20.760 Damn.

01:15:21.420 Ducks in a row.

01:15:22.400 Oh, yeah.

01:15:22.900 And you could tell they were going to be lunch if they didn't land every fucking, if they

01:15:28.860 didn't land every move in sequence.

01:15:30.540 Right.

01:15:31.260 So that was crazy.

01:15:32.340 Then you had Secret Service everywhere, right?

01:15:35.520 Oh, yeah.

01:15:36.000 But there's still fans.

01:15:36.940 You pull in, they frisky and shit, and they're all like, hey, I fucking love the thing.

01:15:40.640 And then you're just taking selfies with them.

01:15:42.320 You're holding their gun, right?

01:15:43.800 You're pointing their gun at them.

01:15:45.340 And they're like, it'll shoot, you know?

01:15:47.120 That's the best.

01:15:48.000 I love getting the working man.

01:15:49.400 Like, when you get like a garbage man or a cop, and he's like, hey, comedy.

01:15:52.900 I'm like, yes.

01:15:54.160 I want you as a fan.

01:15:55.700 That's the best, dude.

01:15:56.620 The best.

01:15:57.440 Yeah, there's nothing better, dude.

01:15:58.820 Anytime if I'm walking down the street and I see a couple of guys digging in a hole or

01:16:02.640 whatever, hiding the bodies or whatever.

01:16:04.720 Jews again.

01:16:05.440 Yeah, or funneling monies for fucking Schwab through one of those fucking Yiddish mattress

01:16:11.120 sale tunnels or whatever.

01:16:12.840 I always stop and get photos with those guys.

01:16:15.540 Anybody that does something real.

01:16:17.200 Yes, yes.

01:16:17.940 And those are the most sane guys, by the way.

01:16:20.180 Yeah.

01:16:20.560 By the way, you see that Adam Carolla went on some rant where he's like, you know, we

01:16:24.960 hate dudes, but like, who do you think is fixing the L.A. fires?

01:16:28.400 It's just a bunch of dudes getting in there and getting their hands dirty and building

01:16:31.260 shit.

01:16:32.000 Yeah.

01:16:32.140 He's got a point.

01:16:32.900 And like, that's what's so annoying about politics.

01:16:34.760 That's why I can't pick a side or it's so like Gavin Newsom's got a pocket.

01:16:39.140 He's talking to Steve Bannon.

01:16:40.540 He's like, yeah, these trends are crazy.

01:16:42.600 And you're like, he's like, we've got too many regulations in California.

01:16:45.820 We're like, you're the guy.

01:16:47.080 Right.

01:16:47.480 You're the governor.

01:16:49.140 You make the rules, Dickless.

01:16:50.760 Change it.

01:16:51.400 Why are you telling us about it?

01:16:52.820 Well, it's the same thing with America, even in like America supporting like the Gaza stuff.

01:16:57.240 It's like, what are, then you're complicit.

01:16:59.260 It's like, all of a sudden we're complicit in it.

01:17:01.120 That's, that's what makes everything so tricky.

01:17:02.860 It's like, are we standing up for ourselves?

01:17:05.140 Are we not standing up for ourselves?

01:17:06.420 Who are we supposed to support?

01:17:07.940 It used to felt like we knew what was supposed to happen.

01:17:10.780 Yeah.

01:17:11.300 Yeah.

01:17:11.620 That's true.

01:17:12.160 It used to feel like we knew.

01:17:13.480 And whether we were right or wrong or, or, or just being fed like sheep, you still knew

01:17:18.620 where to go.

01:17:19.280 Even if you were wrong, you knew what America stood for or whatever the fuck.

01:17:22.520 But then it brings me back to like, I think the Vietnam times when you saw those protests.

01:17:26.040 Oh yeah.

01:17:26.400 Cause I used to hear about the protester in Vietnam and I'm like, what would they be protesting?

01:17:29.680 Like we're doing this war.

01:17:31.900 That's what's supposed to happen.

01:17:32.760 But then you realize that there was a group of people who ended up being a lot of times,

01:17:36.900 some of the coolest people who were like, this isn't right.

01:17:40.400 Right.

01:17:40.940 Right.

01:17:41.100 Who didn't believe like the propaganda machine.

01:17:43.980 Yes.

01:17:44.100 So it's crazy that if things could even get out then that the same kind of, it's just,

01:17:47.580 so I don't know.

01:17:48.460 It's just interesting, man.

01:17:49.520 It is.

01:17:49.900 It is.

01:17:50.260 And I think the, the, the cracks are opening up because of the internet and everybody's talking.

01:17:54.820 And sometimes there's too many people talking, but you can just kind of start to see the

01:17:59.500 bullshit a little more now.

01:18:00.740 There's more light on it.

01:18:01.940 Yeah.

01:18:02.080 It's just crazy.

01:18:02.700 Cause then it's like, what happens?

01:18:04.320 You just got to take care of yourself, take care of your loved ones.

01:18:07.960 That's got to be important.

01:18:09.140 That's one good thing about a kid.

01:18:10.220 It just, you focus, you're not thinking about Twitter.

01:18:12.820 You're not thinking about this.

01:18:13.480 You're just like, ah, this kid has got a shit diaper and I got to change it.

01:18:17.620 And that's it.

01:18:18.620 Really?

01:18:19.240 Oh yeah.

01:18:19.760 So it kind of just, it makes, you got one problem.

01:18:22.960 You don't have a million problems.

01:18:24.000 Yeah.

01:18:24.280 It's just get this kid to not have down syndrome.

01:18:29.200 And when do you find that out?

01:18:30.880 I think pretty early.

01:18:31.900 That's why you see less of them now.

01:18:33.240 I think people are nipping that in the bud.

01:18:36.120 I know it's sad.

01:18:37.740 Cause you, you like seeing one every now and then.

01:18:40.120 Oh yeah, man.

01:18:41.780 Especially, uh, well they started, I hate to say this.

01:18:46.020 Oh baby.

01:18:47.240 They got more talented over the past 20 years.

01:18:49.700 Oh yeah.

01:18:50.140 There's a lot of models, Downsy models.

01:18:52.080 They got more talented and I got proven wrong.

01:18:55.580 I had always, uh, known that down center and people couldn't walk backwards.

01:18:59.080 Right.

01:18:59.500 Is that right?

01:19:00.380 Whoa.

01:19:00.860 That had always been a big thing in our area.

01:19:03.540 But now a woman disproved me on that.

01:19:06.640 Oh, good for her.

01:19:07.900 This is like the Jackie Robinson of, uh, Downs.

01:19:10.960 Oh yeah, dude.

01:19:12.760 Good for her.

01:19:13.760 Um.

01:19:15.120 Oh yeah, that's it.

01:19:16.020 I mean, I don't know that the moment has passed, but yeah.

01:19:18.480 I'll play it.

01:19:19.100 He goes on a hell of a rant.

01:19:20.460 Does he?

01:19:21.060 Yeah.

01:19:22.080 They give a shit about young dudes now because they're losing their demo.

01:19:25.520 They were the enemy.

01:19:27.320 Young white dudes were always the enemy or heterosexual dudes or whatever.

01:19:31.120 And now they, they lost, they're losing their constituency.

01:19:35.060 So now they have to pretend to give a fuck.

01:19:36.620 Yeah, she signed an executive order aimed at increasing young men's enrollment and education

01:19:40.280 and skill training programs.

01:19:42.420 So yeah, they're doing some, uh, catch up right now.

01:19:45.980 Yeah.

01:19:46.600 Okay.

01:19:47.080 Perhaps you shouldn't have, uh, waged war on them for the last 15 years, you fucking retards.

01:19:52.840 That would have been nice.

01:19:54.260 We got a clip of Midlamont.

01:19:56.200 Stupid Gillette, toxic masculinity and all you assholes.

01:19:58.820 Shut up.

01:19:59.240 You're a Connecticut governor trying to.

01:20:00.980 By the way, can I, just let me say this.

01:20:02.760 Let me just say this.

01:20:03.980 Please listen to me, everyone.

01:20:06.140 I toured the sites of, of, of, of Altadena and the Palisades and Malibu.

01:20:14.740 Um, there's a whole bunch of people with dicks and balls who are fucking driving excavators

01:20:25.380 and trucks and operating all the heavy equipment, all the fucking people you hate, all the people

01:20:32.660 who didn't go to college, all the guys with the cocks in the balls, all the guys who don't

01:20:38.420 give you their pronouns, that place has been completely rebuilt by just them.

01:20:46.040 Nobody who looks like you, nobody uses pronouns, no he, she's, none of your fucking freak shows,

01:20:53.280 none of your Admiral Levine's, nobody looks like that.

01:20:56.920 It's just a bunch of fucking dudes who go by he and him.

01:21:01.440 Fuck yeah.

01:21:01.940 Yeah, that's good.

01:21:03.500 Yeah.

01:21:03.980 Yeah, you need Mike Rose children in there every now and then, dude.

01:21:06.620 That's who you need.

01:21:07.640 But it's a great point.

01:21:08.540 It's like, you're trying to build this, you're going to have places that are going to fall apart, you know?

01:21:12.820 At some point, guys are going to be like, we're not rebuilding for these motherfuckers anymore.

01:21:16.180 That's true.

01:21:16.540 At some point, you're going to have a military that's like, I'm not fighting this fucking war for you anymore.

01:21:19.880 You go fucking figure it out.

01:21:21.020 Right, right, exactly.

01:21:22.260 That's why they contract military guys in there, so they're fucked a lot of times.

01:21:25.680 People don't realize that.

01:21:26.540 That's a good point.

01:21:27.920 But also, the binary world we live in now, everything's got to be, like I said, black versus white.

01:21:33.440 So women hear that and they go, oh, you hate women?

01:21:35.700 You're like, no, no, we love women.

01:21:36.820 Women are awesome.

01:21:37.560 Martha Stewart rules.

01:21:38.900 But can't we both be awesome?

01:21:40.540 Why do we have to have one or the other?

01:21:42.080 Like, oh, these men talking about it, they're complaining.

01:21:44.900 Fuck men.

01:21:45.600 Women are great.

01:21:46.240 You're like, yeah, women are great, but why can't men be great too?

01:21:48.500 Let's just both be great.

01:21:49.600 Yeah, but it's like, I don't know.

01:21:51.780 Sorry, we went off on a road again.

01:21:53.380 No, no.

01:21:53.980 But it's just a weird time.

01:21:54.960 It's a heightened time.

01:21:55.740 It is.

01:21:56.480 It is.

01:21:56.940 And I think we used to go at each other racially.

01:22:00.700 And now that I feel like racial harmony, obviously, we're never going to be perfect.

01:22:05.120 But now we just go at each other opinion-y.

01:22:07.460 You don't agree with me.

01:22:08.600 You don't agree with me.

01:22:09.300 Fuck you.

01:22:09.780 I'll kill you.

01:22:10.880 We used to be divided up in different ways, mostly by race, you know, back in the 50s.

01:22:16.140 Whites only, blacks only.

01:22:17.420 But now it's like we're divided by opinion.

01:22:20.160 And if you don't agree with somebody, they just take it personally and then they lash out at you.

01:22:24.320 And you're like, but not agreeing on everything is, I like pussy.

01:22:29.020 Gay guys like dick.

01:22:30.000 You know, we don't have to fight about it.

01:22:31.700 Yeah, we're both going to Cincinnati.

01:22:33.200 Yeah, exactly.

01:22:35.600 But, dude, no, that's a great point.

01:22:37.240 Tell me a little bit more about that, man.

01:22:38.820 Because I think I fall victim to that, too, sometimes.

01:22:41.620 Like, kind of say that again for me.

01:22:43.420 Well, everything is opinion and what side you're on and what stance you take.

01:22:50.140 And if you don't agree with that opinion fully or one little thing, not even fully, one little thing about it, I don't buy that part.

01:22:58.300 Then they just turn on you and they go, you're the enemy.

01:23:01.100 And you're like, well, how did we get here?

01:23:02.960 You know?

01:23:03.540 And we got to just start going, oh, you think that?

01:23:06.540 Why?

01:23:07.320 Oh, I never thought of it that way.

01:23:08.800 I mean, I still think this, but you think that?

01:23:11.280 And can't we all get along?

01:23:12.900 Yeah, why do we get so attached to our...

01:23:16.400 I think because we have no identity anymore.

01:23:18.160 People have no identity.

01:23:19.240 Everything's so easy.

01:23:19.900 We got modernity.

01:23:21.160 We got a phone.

01:23:21.840 We got Uber Eats up our ass.

01:23:23.320 We got anything.

01:23:24.600 You can just get shit delivered to your house and no one's living anymore.

01:23:27.840 No one's, like, connecting.

01:23:29.520 You know?

01:23:29.840 We used to have kind of a community.

01:23:31.300 And all this shit has been said before.

01:23:32.860 But I think before you actually had to, like, do shit and get your hands dirty.

01:23:37.400 And now everything's given to us.

01:23:39.700 And if something doesn't go our way, we don't know how to handle anymore.

01:23:43.700 Where shit used to not go your way at all back in the day.

01:23:47.160 Like, your fucking kids would die so you had another kid.

01:23:50.160 Or, you know.

01:23:51.060 Yeah, it used to be your kids would die.

01:23:52.020 You would have another kid, like, two days later.

01:23:53.980 Yeah.

01:23:54.480 And everybody just got along and dealt with it.

01:23:57.040 There wasn't, like, a guy going, ah, my kid died.

01:23:59.660 I'm bummed out.

01:24:00.320 I'm doing a GoFundMe.

01:24:01.480 And everybody goes, you're so brave.

01:24:02.960 Good for you.

01:24:03.880 Right.

01:24:04.520 And they would even name the new kid the same name as the other kid.

01:24:07.260 It would be, like, Matthew II or whatever.

01:24:10.120 Yes, yes.

01:24:10.500 Matthew II.

01:24:11.100 Like, it was, like, one of those Apollo returning things or whatever.

01:24:14.540 It was a sequel.

01:24:15.440 Yeah.

01:24:15.800 Yeah.

01:24:16.200 Avengers 9.

01:24:17.620 Or Fast and the Furious.

01:24:18.800 This is Fast and the Furious.

01:24:19.880 This is Avengers 8.

01:24:21.120 Yeah.

01:24:21.640 Bro, it's so, that's such a good point, man.

01:24:24.540 Wow.

01:24:25.020 It doesn't have to be like this.

01:24:26.720 But I think it gives you a, it gives you an identity and a personality to attack.

01:24:30.960 Oh, Theo thinks this?

01:24:32.280 I'm going to go against Theo because I'm this.

01:24:34.440 And I got to show everybody I'm this.

01:24:35.540 I got to plant my flag.

01:24:36.980 Right.

01:24:38.000 Yeah, and that's what they call identity politics, right?

01:24:39.860 I guess so, yeah.

01:24:41.360 It's bad news.

01:24:42.440 What is the term identity politics?

01:24:43.740 Bring it up.

01:24:44.300 I just want to see what it means so I know.

01:24:46.100 And everybody has to start us in.

01:24:47.200 As a white man, as a black woman, as a gay Jew, as a queefy bitch.

01:24:52.960 Identity politics is politics based on a particular identity such as ethnicity, race, nationality,

01:24:57.440 religion, denomination, gender, sexual orientation, social background, political affiliation, cast,

01:25:01.960 age, disability, intelligence, and social class.

01:25:04.240 Well, it's kind of interesting because you also have to represent, like, you have to speak

01:25:07.640 up sometimes for where you're from.

01:25:09.200 Like, you know, otherwise your group can get totally just trampled over.

01:25:13.780 I guess so.

01:25:14.800 But at the same time, it's like.

01:25:16.540 But there's a hierarchy.

01:25:17.620 That's part of the problem, too.

01:25:19.060 It's like black trans is more important than white lady.

01:25:23.780 Yeah, yeah.

01:25:24.220 Than Asian Sagittarius or whatever.

01:25:26.900 Yeah, yeah.

01:25:27.660 But three Asian Sagittarius's beat one black trans.

01:25:31.300 Exactly.

01:25:31.840 It's like poker now.

01:25:32.820 Yeah.

01:25:33.120 You got a royal flush.

01:25:34.240 Oh, left-handed gay dude from Minneapolis.

01:25:36.960 Forget about it.

01:25:38.440 Yeah, but that's the other thing is we have to have all these differences.

01:25:41.260 Full house.

01:25:41.960 Like black versus white, whatever.

01:25:44.400 But really, when you think about it, we can find a difference anywhere and hate somebody.

01:25:47.740 Like the Hutus and the Tutsis, they're all black, but they just hate each other for some

01:25:52.560 religious reason.

01:25:53.840 I'm too stupid to know.

01:25:55.560 Oh, I'm Hutu stupid, too, dude.

01:25:57.140 But what I'm saying is if they join together and just attack whoever owned the fucking

01:26:01.140 land right near them.

01:26:02.380 There you go.

01:26:03.080 Then they would make some progress.

01:26:04.240 That's a perfect example.

01:26:05.840 The Bloods and the Crips.

01:26:07.260 It just comes down to clothing at that point.

01:26:09.580 You know, it's blue versus red.

01:26:11.200 It's silly.

01:26:12.240 Yeah.

01:26:12.840 I was something you said a second ago.

01:26:15.020 It was really great.

01:26:15.800 Oh, the.

01:26:18.460 Oh, these tariffs are getting getting out of control.

01:26:21.360 Oh, yeah.

01:26:22.140 The tariffs are getting out of control.

01:26:23.340 All the everyday items that will cost Americans more following Donald Trump's global tariffs.

01:26:27.600 But here's the thing with tariffs is the goal of tariffs is that if they if it costs more

01:26:34.720 for people to bring their products in, then they'll build them here.

01:26:37.040 Yes.

01:26:37.520 That's part of it.

01:26:38.280 Yeah.

01:26:38.760 So it's kind of a long term play.

01:26:40.720 It's going to take a while.

01:26:41.880 It's going to be bumpy for a while.

01:26:43.280 Right.

01:26:43.380 But that's if it works.

01:26:44.900 Right.

01:26:45.300 So we'll see.

01:26:46.240 But it might take 10 years.

01:26:48.100 Right.

01:26:48.500 If we don't try this, though, then I think it's a wrap.

01:26:51.960 Oh, you think just go for it.

01:26:53.580 Bite bite the belt and go for it.

01:26:55.300 I do, because I think at this point, even from my own perception, we'd probably on this

01:26:59.380 tour, this comedy tour, we've been in probably the top 200 cities like size was in America,

01:27:03.300 maybe, maybe even more than that.

01:27:07.320 And a lot of them, there's nothing there.

01:27:10.960 Yes.

01:27:11.880 It's empty downtowns.

01:27:14.100 Oh, yeah.

01:27:14.660 It's set.

01:27:15.160 Boarded up.

01:27:15.780 We're in Amarillo.

01:27:16.540 It's empty downtown.

01:27:17.340 Shreveport, Louisiana.

01:27:18.440 It was empty downtown.

01:27:21.000 Toledo, Ohio.

01:27:22.100 Right.

01:27:22.280 It's getting a little bit better there.

01:27:24.880 But and that's just a few.

01:27:26.440 I mean, a lot of places.

01:27:28.120 Montgomery, just empty.

01:27:29.740 Yep.

01:27:30.120 And so you start to be like.

01:27:32.840 Nothing's going to.

01:27:33.900 There's nothing coming that's going to make that different.

01:27:36.700 Right.

01:27:37.220 Yeah.

01:27:37.620 And maybe it doesn't matter.

01:27:38.520 Maybe that's just how society changes and evolves.

01:27:40.800 And we just end up with like seven big cities in America.

01:27:43.940 And the rest of it is just like rural land where people live and have great lives.

01:27:48.060 But they're not in like a city.

01:27:49.480 Yeah.

01:27:50.060 And these things fall by the wayside.

01:27:51.800 And don't forget, we got automation coming.

01:27:54.040 We got AI coming.

01:27:55.180 So like jobs are going away quick and everything's digital now.

01:27:58.740 There's nothing manufactured here.

01:28:00.960 And why do we keep building?

01:28:02.120 Right.

01:28:02.320 And that's one of the that's one of the things that people say.

01:28:04.280 Well, even if you bring jobs back here, those jobs are going to disappear because of AI anyway.

01:28:08.180 Oh, yeah.

01:28:09.300 That's one of the side.

01:28:10.400 That's one of the other arguments against against doing the tariffs at all.

01:28:15.320 Damn.

01:28:16.000 Alan Iverson.

01:28:17.340 It's fucking it's weird, man.

01:28:19.140 And then the weirdest thing you start to realize, I feel like, is that you're just a member of your government, whatever the choices they're making.

01:28:27.120 Yeah.

01:28:27.520 That's that's something that's been big recently.

01:28:29.260 It's like, oh, whatever choice the government makes, I'm a member of this country.

01:28:33.640 But if you if you don't if they don't make you feel like you're a part of something like there's no benefits to be in a member at a certain point.

01:28:39.520 You're like, damn, it's a weird club to be in.

01:28:42.020 Yeah.

01:28:42.500 Yeah.

01:28:42.680 Maybe we got to overthrow the government.

01:28:44.080 Maybe that's what's what's next.

01:28:46.120 How do you do that?

01:28:47.400 Do you think?

01:28:48.420 I think we got we got them outnumbered.

01:28:49.760 I mean, we got a lot of people here.

01:28:51.200 Right.

01:28:51.540 And we can, you know, send out a couple of tweets and texts and get everybody on board.

01:28:55.460 We people have guns.

01:28:56.460 You probably got a gun.

01:28:58.040 So there you go.

01:28:58.980 Well, we'll get in there and shoot some people.

01:29:01.020 And where do you meet up?

01:29:02.020 You think a dollar general or something?

01:29:03.860 Yeah.

01:29:04.480 You know, some nice community place we all know about.

01:29:07.120 And we'll meet at the KFC slash Taco Bell.

01:29:10.580 Get a meal and revolt.

01:29:12.800 Yeah.

01:29:14.460 Dude, a belly full of fuck.

01:29:18.060 That's a gas chamber.

01:29:19.500 Oh, when those pizzas came out, they were so good.

01:29:21.240 Remember that in high school?

01:29:21.960 Oh, the Mexican pizza.

01:29:23.640 Amazing.

01:29:24.280 That'll make you want to open the border.

01:29:25.680 God, remember how fucking good they.

01:29:27.980 And when they first came out, I think they might have had even real meat in them, dude.

01:29:31.220 Woo.

01:29:32.020 Those were the days.

01:29:33.240 And someone pooped in the meat over in Mandeville.

01:29:35.880 Really?

01:29:36.680 Oh, the whole town didn't know what to do.

01:29:38.820 There were people crying over at the parking lot.

01:29:40.540 Could you tell the difference?

01:29:42.160 I don't know if you could or not.

01:29:43.260 Somebody, I don't know who had it.

01:29:44.500 Now, that's the thing.

01:29:45.740 We never found out who had it.

01:29:47.000 But they really busted it.

01:29:49.380 Run a research on that poop in the meat over there at Taco Bell.

01:29:52.120 Well, what do you think it is now?

01:29:54.160 Horse or a dog?

01:29:54.740 Mandeville, Louisiana.

01:29:56.500 I'm not sure.

01:29:58.160 It tastes damn good either way.

01:29:59.460 I love Taco Bell.

01:30:00.260 That's probably my favorite fast food.

01:30:03.800 Pseudalegist feces found in Taco Bell item.

01:30:05.880 There you go.

01:30:06.340 A new lawsuit has been filed against Taco Bell restaurant just months after the company settled a series of lawsuits out of court following a 1995 hepatitis outbreak.

01:30:15.740 In the suit file, Wednesday, 3rd District, an anonymous couple and their 10-year-old son alleged the boy found feces in a soft-shelled taco.

01:30:28.600 Damn.

01:30:29.380 Bought at a drive-up window at the Cottonwood Heights Taco Bell, Fort Union Boulevard.

01:30:35.900 Oh, this is in my town.

01:30:36.880 This is Salt Lake City, man.

01:30:38.200 Oh, imagine eating that, that chapupa.

01:30:41.120 I know, huh?

01:30:42.020 God damn.

01:30:43.020 You got to put a lot of fire sauce on that turd.

01:30:45.560 Yeah.

01:30:46.920 Just to get it down.

01:30:49.060 Just to get that motherfucker down.

01:30:51.880 Yeah.

01:30:52.280 You ever tasted shit?

01:30:53.440 Huh?

01:30:54.600 I don't think so.

01:30:55.700 Have you had any accidentally with the baby being around?

01:30:57.800 Oh, well, they say shit's on everything.

01:31:00.100 Your keyboard is apparently a fucking cesspool of Flint water.

01:31:03.980 But yeah, I mean, I've tasted piss.

01:31:05.940 Yeah.

01:31:06.260 That was not pleasant.

01:31:08.000 Oh, I've had a little even during a fast one time.

01:31:10.220 I was fasted for like three or four days.

01:31:11.500 I was in the shower and I fucking, you don't even realize what you're doing.

01:31:14.580 Wait, how did you get the piss in your mouth?

01:31:16.400 I pissed straight up.

01:31:17.800 Damn.

01:31:18.320 That's impressive.

01:31:19.660 Piss straight up.

01:31:20.600 Yeah.

01:31:20.720 I can piss face to the top of my head if I'm standing there.

01:31:22.780 No way.

01:31:23.320 Yeah.

01:31:23.900 That's damn.

01:31:24.660 That's not easy, especially at our age.

01:31:26.360 I can piss really good, man.

01:31:27.820 Wow.

01:31:28.700 I can piss pretty good.

01:31:29.460 I'm trying to think.

01:31:30.000 Yeah, I can piss pretty good.

01:31:32.920 And then you just get a fucking, yeah, I've been fasting and I took a side sip off that

01:31:36.700 bitch, cuz.

01:31:37.980 You know what I'm saying, dude?

01:31:39.220 You gotta try it once.

01:31:40.240 I'll show them.

01:31:41.200 Yeah, it's a weird flavor.

01:31:42.640 It's tangy as shit.

01:31:43.980 Yeah, it's very, um, it's kind of like hot coffee.

01:31:47.040 That's what my ex-girlfriend used to say.

01:31:49.280 Really?

01:31:49.720 She's a keeper.

01:31:50.500 I mean, I let her go, unfortunately.

01:31:52.640 Oh, damn.

01:31:53.340 God, dude.

01:31:54.060 What's she up to now?

01:31:54.980 Hanging out with R. Kelly, I guess.

01:31:56.380 I know.

01:31:58.260 Working in, I'm not even sure.

01:32:00.300 Probably working in, uh, at that Geyser Park in National Geographic, dude.

01:32:04.160 Hot Springs, baby.

01:32:06.240 Um, what else do we want to talk about, dude?

01:32:09.420 Well, I think the world is, uh, on fire, so buy, buy some whiskey.

01:32:13.420 I'm selling a whiskey out there.

01:32:14.580 Me and Sam started a whiskey.

01:32:15.620 Oh, Bodega Cat.

01:32:16.700 You got it.

01:32:17.400 Yep.

01:32:17.820 Yeah, it's not legal in Tennessee yet, but we're gonna get it here, goddammit.

01:32:20.840 Let me see if what we can do here.

01:32:22.640 Please.

01:32:23.500 The red tape is bananas.

01:32:25.260 It is?

01:32:25.840 Yeah, it's so hard to get at places.

01:32:27.520 Is it?

01:32:28.080 Oh, yeah.

01:32:28.880 You gotta, it's all mob run.

01:32:30.280 It's all super mobby, and you gotta, like, work your way in.

01:32:32.880 Yeah, there's all these old-fashioned rules and shit.

01:32:35.520 Damn.

01:32:36.240 Yeah, Sam's drinking it on Seth Meyers right there.

01:32:38.900 Oh, he took it on there?

01:32:40.280 Yeah.

01:32:40.980 So, Bodega Cat.

01:32:42.220 So, um, didn't they just have an issue, too, about Bodega Cats in New York?

01:32:46.580 Uh, probably.

01:32:48.180 They're always there.

01:32:49.080 That's where we got the idea.

01:32:50.980 Really?

01:32:51.600 Yeah, we just, you go into a bodega, there's always a cat sleeping on the bread, and you

01:32:55.060 always go, it warms your heart.

01:32:56.600 So we go, hey, how about a whiskey?

01:32:57.840 That'll warm your heart.

01:32:58.900 Yeah, I love that idea.

01:32:59.900 Bodega Cats make New Yorkers hearts purr, even if they violate state regulations.

01:33:03.840 Oh, yeah.

01:33:04.180 I'm sure it's a health code thing, but how cute.

01:33:05.740 But they had a rat issue there, so of course you can have cats.

01:33:07.960 You can't get fucking mad.

01:33:09.400 Exactly.

01:33:09.660 You need a Bodega Cat.

01:33:10.600 You need them.

01:33:11.620 New York City's Bodega Cats are beloved fixtures in the Big Apple, but they're on the wrong

01:33:14.820 side of the law.

01:33:16.480 Ooh.

01:33:16.880 The convenience store cats that live at many of the city's bodegas and delis look innocent

01:33:20.500 enough, spending their days lounging in sun-soaked storefronts or slinking between shelves of

01:33:24.320 snack foods as they collect friendly pets from customers.

01:33:28.400 State law bars most animals from stores that sell food with bodega owners potentially facing

01:33:33.020 fines.

01:33:33.620 You can't bill these fucking guys.

01:33:35.300 They're probably charging these cats to even be in the city after 4 p.m., I bet.

01:33:38.740 Yeah, right?

01:33:39.520 But you need it.

01:33:40.160 It's old school.

01:33:40.900 We get rid of the rat, you get a cat.

01:33:42.000 Yeah, that's like as old as time, but the rats hate the cat.

01:33:45.000 It's like an Indian with deodorant.

01:33:46.960 They don't get along.

01:33:48.160 Oh, yeah, bro.

01:33:49.560 Oh, it's that full-body shawarma, brother.

01:33:51.960 Oh, yeah.

01:33:52.740 It's palpable.

01:33:53.680 Oh, it's that scurry.

01:33:56.120 I'll fucking run from that shit if I smell it.

01:33:58.940 I gotta go.

01:33:59.700 Oh, yeah.

01:34:00.960 That's crazy.

01:34:01.800 So Bodega Cat is a new, it's a whiskey?

01:34:04.800 It's a rye whiskey, yeah.

01:34:06.080 It's been around for a while.

01:34:07.200 We're just, it's such a slow process.

01:34:09.080 We're getting it one bar at a time.

01:34:10.580 We got it in all the comedy clubs, a lot of theaters.

01:34:12.840 Do you?

01:34:13.320 Yeah.

01:34:13.760 Is it down at the Mothership?

01:34:16.440 It is, yes.

01:34:18.120 That's awesome.

01:34:18.940 So if you were at the Mothership, you can order Bodega Cat.

01:34:21.560 Yep.

01:34:22.040 Is it a good whiskey?

01:34:23.040 It's a great whiskey.

01:34:24.120 We taste tested a million of them.

01:34:26.340 We've had like experts try it and they like it.

01:34:29.260 We got it at the comedy store, the comedy cellar.

01:34:31.920 I mean, it's all over.

01:34:32.960 Really?

01:34:33.500 Oh, yeah.

01:34:34.000 Coast to coast.

01:34:35.200 And is it, it has alcohol in it?

01:34:37.600 It is a big bottle of whiskey, yeah.

01:34:40.180 Okay.

01:34:40.980 So you can't, so yeah, if you can't drink, you can't drink, but you could get one for

01:34:44.140 a friend?

01:34:45.100 Yeah.

01:34:45.660 You could watch your dad drink it, watch your mom drink it.

01:34:47.860 Do you mix it with something?

01:34:49.840 You can have it straight up.

01:34:50.980 It's got a nice spice to it or you can put soda water or Coke or whatever the hell.

01:34:54.900 Okay.

01:34:55.180 Bad decisions.

01:34:55.920 Mix it up.

01:34:56.820 Bodega Cat, dude.

01:34:57.620 I want to see you guys win with this.

01:34:59.240 We're trying.

01:34:59.800 We want to retire on this puppy and it's, people seem to like it when they try it.

01:35:04.320 So get a bottle.

01:35:06.160 I love that.

01:35:06.700 And this is you and?

01:35:08.240 Sam Murill.

01:35:08.880 Oh, that's hilarious, dude.

01:35:10.660 Yeah.

01:35:11.220 Just a couple of old pals.

01:35:12.440 So we feel like we're, you're sober now.

01:35:14.540 Everybody got sober on us.

01:35:16.040 So we're like the last men barely standing.

01:35:18.720 You know, we're, we're, we're, we're hunched over.

01:35:21.860 Yeah.

01:35:22.220 Shane, he's, but he's a beer guy.

01:35:24.000 Yeah.

01:35:24.360 So we, we like the liquor.

01:35:25.640 So like Dan Soder, Joe List, all these guys, they got, uh, they got sober.

01:35:30.660 Bert's out there.

01:35:32.100 Yeah.

01:35:32.560 Bert is definitely, he's a Neil Armstrong of, uh, alcohol.

01:35:37.080 Yeah.

01:35:38.000 Yeah.

01:35:38.140 Or whatever that guy is.

01:35:38.960 He's just out on the moon.

01:35:40.300 Yes.

01:35:40.800 One, one small step for, for alcoholism.

01:35:44.660 Yeah.

01:35:44.980 I'm just trying to think if there's something else we should talk about.

01:35:46.740 Go through the news really quick story that there's a couple.

01:35:49.540 Trump had that gold card thing for wealthy immigrants to expedite citizenship.

01:35:53.600 Yeah.

01:35:53.860 Oh, that's doing well.

01:35:55.320 Oh, that gold card.

01:35:56.300 Yeah.

01:35:56.500 Yeah.

01:35:56.700 Trump had that gold card.

01:35:57.500 Is it doing well?

01:35:58.280 I heard they sold a thousand of them already.

01:36:00.500 Nuh-uh.

01:36:01.160 Which is what?

01:36:01.760 What's that?

01:36:02.780 Five million?

01:36:05.040 I'm an idiot.

01:36:05.920 Times 1,000.

01:36:07.600 That is, uh, 500 million.

01:36:11.400 Thank you.

01:36:12.340 That's a lot of, a lot of scratch.

01:36:13.980 No, it's more than that.

01:36:15.180 It's 5 billion.

01:36:16.440 Is it?

01:36:17.560 Jesus.

01:36:18.800 Do 5 million times 1,000.

01:36:20.560 God.

01:36:21.040 We should know this.

01:36:21.880 5 billion.

01:36:24.200 You had it.

01:36:24.720 You had it.

01:36:26.040 The second time.

01:36:26.900 Second time.

01:36:28.080 Asian.

01:36:28.680 St. Tammany Parish.

01:36:29.820 Yeah, that AI is going to take over.

01:36:31.500 He pulled out the Trump card.

01:36:32.560 President Trump proudly showed off the design of his administration's new $5 million gold card to reporters aboard Air Force One on Thursday.

01:36:37.960 Let me just see what it looks like, dude.

01:36:40.040 Yeah.

01:36:41.120 Are they selling commemorative ones?

01:36:42.400 They have to be.

01:36:43.020 That's a smart move.

01:36:43.820 But does it look like a Walmart card or like a Costco?

01:36:46.680 It's got to look cool.

01:36:48.940 Ah, damn.

01:36:49.940 It looks Chinese.

01:36:50.960 That's like Mao.

01:36:52.020 Bro.

01:36:53.220 Fucking so Mao, dude.

01:36:55.000 Bro, and yeah, but that's wild that they're selling those.

01:36:57.620 What do you think about that?

01:36:58.440 Because now it's like this.

01:37:00.760 You can just be a citizen of 5 million bucks.

01:37:02.820 Well, I feel like if you got 5 mil to throw away to get into America, you want to get here.

01:37:06.900 And you're not like a poor guy.

01:37:09.540 Right.

01:37:09.840 So you probably have, you're probably doing all right.

01:37:12.060 So yeah, bring them in.

01:37:13.280 So it's become like a home for the elites.

01:37:15.040 This has become a, it's become the, um, Saint Tropez or whatever.

01:37:19.600 There you go.

01:37:20.120 Of humanity.

01:37:20.980 But do they still have to pass, um, immigration tests?

01:37:24.740 What is the rules with that?

01:37:25.560 Oh, good question.

01:37:27.220 You hope so.

01:37:27.960 You still, you can't just buy your way in.

01:37:29.320 You got to still do the homework.

01:37:31.080 Dude, I'm going to do that.

01:37:32.140 If I get to meet him again, I'm going to ask him if I can have one of those as a gift.

01:37:36.280 Oh my God.

01:37:37.260 But you're already in.

01:37:38.040 You don't need one.

01:37:39.040 But I'll stay in.

01:37:40.140 Yeah.

01:37:40.580 And you can frame that bitch.

01:37:42.040 I'm staying in, mom.

01:37:43.220 You could use that at every bar.

01:37:44.640 Hey, you want my ID?

01:37:46.060 Goldie.

01:37:46.580 Yeah.

01:37:46.820 Suck it.

01:37:47.600 Well, what does it say?

01:37:48.440 Does he have any other information on it?

01:37:50.000 Sydney Sweeney could sell a few of those to her box.

01:37:52.300 I'll tell you that.

01:37:53.300 God, dude.

01:37:54.800 I can't believe you came and your wife again.

01:37:57.160 I know.

01:37:57.800 I got to get my shit together.

01:38:00.180 Mark.

01:38:00.760 Yeah, I'm an idiot.

01:38:02.360 We'll see what happens.

01:38:03.900 She's very, she's very fertile.

01:38:05.280 Is she?

01:38:06.080 Oh yeah.

01:38:06.800 Fertile Myrtle over here.

01:38:09.060 God.

01:38:09.480 You could throw a...

01:38:10.620 I've never done that.

01:38:12.360 You've never gotten a lady pregnant?

01:38:13.720 I've never ejaculated in a woman.

01:38:15.620 What?

01:38:16.420 Yeah.

01:38:16.940 Wow.

01:38:17.440 Talked about this before.

01:38:18.260 Yeah, my whole life I haven't.

01:38:19.520 Boy, you got good willpower.

01:38:21.420 Even when you were drinking?

01:38:22.760 Yeah.

01:38:23.480 Man, I'm impressed.

01:38:24.680 Good will spunking.

01:38:25.660 That's my movie coming out.

01:38:28.840 The proposal aims to supplement or replace the existing EB-5 immigrant investors visa program,

01:38:37.520 which required foreign investors to create or preserve 10 permanent full-time jobs for U.S. workers.

01:38:42.900 The gold card simplifies this process by allowing the wealthy foreigners to pay $5 million for a visa,

01:38:48.200 granting them green card privileges and a route to citizenship.

01:38:51.720 Do they still have to pass immigration?

01:38:56.300 Let me see.

01:38:56.820 At the White House press conference on February 26th,

01:38:58.820 Trump and U.S. Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick introduced the concept of a gold card as a new pathway to U.S. citizenship.

01:39:08.240 It's not a bad idea that there's this golden ticket, kind of,

01:39:11.400 because at least they're making money off it.

01:39:13.060 I'm just curious to see.

01:39:14.300 They've talked about getting rid of the Fed, getting rid of the IRS, if that shit can happen.

01:39:18.720 Mm, yeah, that's some big moves.

01:39:20.460 Very radical.

01:39:21.240 It'd be crazy.

01:39:22.040 And we wouldn't have to pay taxes anymore, like just...

01:39:24.620 Well, we used to not have income tax in America back in the day.

01:39:27.380 I know.

01:39:27.840 That came up later.

01:39:29.020 It'd be nice to get back to that.

01:39:30.300 Oh, and we could use it.

01:39:31.480 I mean, eggs are $9 million now.

01:39:33.160 Are they?

01:39:33.740 Eggs are way through the roof.

01:39:35.480 Yeah.

01:39:35.740 They busted more people bringing eggs in than they busted fentanyl dealers, which is kind of insane.

01:39:39.540 Is that a joke?

01:39:40.240 No.

01:39:40.960 Whoa!

01:39:41.520 How do you carry that in?

01:39:42.560 I mean, fentanyl, at least you can throw it in a car tire or something, but eggs, you got to really...

01:39:47.560 You got to hide that.

01:39:48.900 Shipping and handling.

01:39:49.920 I know.

01:39:50.280 That's a good point, huh?

01:39:51.180 You have to walk real slow with them balancing your head.

01:39:54.220 U.S. sees a large rise in border seizures of eggs while fentanyl rates fall.

01:39:58.200 Damn.

01:39:58.740 Well, at least fentanyl's going down.

01:40:00.880 With egg prices soaring due to the bird flu outbreak, border officials say they're catching more people attempting to bring eggs in the United States illegally.

01:40:07.220 Wow.

01:40:07.340 U.S. Customs and Border Protection said this week that seizure of raw eggs has risen by 48% at entry points.

01:40:14.000 Um, damn.

01:40:15.840 In fact, sharp increases in egg seizures are outpacing Borders' official interceptions of deadly fentanyl.

01:40:22.340 It's so much easier to catch an egg, though.

01:40:24.600 Of course, of course.

01:40:25.800 You can just shake a guy and then watch it run down his leg.

01:40:28.320 Yeah.

01:40:29.060 But we got to get a chicken.

01:40:30.720 What are we doing?

01:40:31.380 Just get your own chicken.

01:40:32.400 You'll be like, uh, it's like growing your own weed now.

01:40:34.600 Yeah, it really is, dude.

01:40:37.280 Dude, make a fucking fentanyl omelet.

01:40:39.440 That's what I would do about that.

01:40:40.840 He's got to go, man.

01:40:42.200 And then you wonder, do the chickens know about the egg prices?

01:40:44.580 They'd probably feel pretty good about themselves.

01:40:46.120 Like, damn, I'm shitting out gold here.

01:40:47.960 Yeah, imagine the pride they would walk around with, huh?

01:40:50.320 Exactly.

01:40:51.480 And now Hooters is gone, so they're not getting chopped up for the wings.

01:40:54.760 Chickens are living the dream.

01:40:56.060 Dude, I quit.

01:40:56.700 The last Hooters I went to was that one around the fucking West Bank over there.

01:40:59.700 Oh, yeah.

01:41:00.600 The one where Anthony Davis...

01:41:01.720 Nuh-uh!

01:41:02.440 Look at that!

01:41:03.260 Oh, shit, I even realized that.

01:41:04.660 That's crazy.

01:41:05.780 Dude, I did not realize that.

01:41:07.220 That's the one where Anthony Davis allegedly knocked up the waitress.

01:41:09.880 Remember that?

01:41:10.260 Yes!

01:41:11.680 Hoot-at on the back, baby!

01:41:13.860 Yeah, that was a great Hooters.

01:41:15.940 God, it was pretty good over there.

01:41:17.620 Oh, yeah, but if RFK saw us eating that, he'd shit the bed.

01:41:20.900 I don't know.

01:41:22.240 I don't know.

01:41:22.680 Yeah, it'd be crazy to see what would happen, man.

01:41:24.620 If they stop Hooters, we're all gonna be mad off.

01:41:26.980 We do need better food.

01:41:28.200 I think, like, a lot of people get mad about RFK, but I'm like,

01:41:30.620 we are sick, we are fat, we are obese, and we are...

01:41:33.880 We pay the most in healthcare, and we're the least healthy.

01:41:37.000 And racism, too.

01:41:38.120 Sure, I can't really fix that, can you?

01:41:41.340 But you don't see somebody fasting that's used into fucking racial slurs.

01:41:44.900 That's true.

01:41:45.720 You don't see somebody fasting, yelling shit out of their fucking window

01:41:48.500 with their last, like, living, available energy.

01:41:51.400 Right, but if you yell the N-word, you better run fast.

01:41:54.320 You gotta get the hell out of there.

01:41:55.720 Yeah, you gotta be fast.

01:41:56.900 Yeah.

01:41:57.160 That's a different kind of fasting.

01:42:01.220 One more thing.

01:42:02.120 Anything else you want to talk about again before we leave, Mark?

01:42:04.140 Anything you want to think of?

01:42:04.820 Oh, boy, I feel like we covered a lot.

01:42:06.460 We did.

01:42:07.140 We totally did.

01:42:07.940 You gotta ask out Sydney Sweeney.

01:42:09.220 That could be your next kid.

01:42:10.720 It could be a Sweeney.

01:42:11.700 She's gonna be upset, though, that we talked about her breasts,

01:42:13.600 I bet, in the beginning.

01:42:14.580 Yeah, but I think she's heard it all.

01:42:16.120 I mean, imagine the fucking creepos DMing her.

01:42:20.160 That's a good point.

01:42:20.840 Yeah, and you're telling me to DM her now.

01:42:22.600 Wow, but you're a nice guy.

01:42:23.980 You're successful.

01:42:24.760 You're funny.

01:42:25.900 She's gonna be upset, though.

01:42:27.100 But we were just joking.

01:42:28.640 Yeah, of course.

01:42:29.160 We're joking, you know?

01:42:30.300 We were just joking, dude.

01:42:31.640 I just watched White Lotus Season 1.

01:42:32.960 That was great.

01:42:34.000 Oh, nice.

01:42:34.840 Yeah, 2 is good, and 3 is bananas.

01:42:37.560 It is?

01:42:37.980 I mean, they upped it.

01:42:40.420 I can't even imagine.

01:42:41.780 It's naughty.

01:42:42.820 It's dark, and don't watch it with your parents.

01:42:44.920 I'll just say that.

01:42:46.620 Tuesdays with Stories, that's it?

01:42:47.860 Tuesdays with Stories, and we might be drunk.

01:42:49.260 Those are the pods.

01:42:49.920 Yeah, I still gotta fucking come up there, man.

01:42:54.100 We'd love to have you.

01:42:54.960 It's an open invite any time.

01:42:56.480 I owe you, man.

01:42:57.880 I know you're a busy queef.

01:43:01.680 What about Luigi?

01:43:02.740 I heard he's going to the death chair.

01:43:05.100 Mangione?

01:43:05.620 Yeah.

01:43:06.300 Nuh-uh.

01:43:07.020 Oh, yeah.

01:43:08.340 Did he really?

01:43:09.340 I heard he's getting the death penalty.

01:43:11.000 Maybe I'm wrong.

01:43:12.440 But, yeah, look at that guy.

01:43:13.940 Kind of pisses me off, man.

01:43:16.340 The irony.

01:43:17.240 Well, it sucks that he did this.

01:43:18.600 You know, you shouldn't go around killing people.

01:43:20.500 But it didn't change anything.

01:43:22.580 That's the worst part.

01:43:24.380 Well, it just shows you, man.

01:43:26.840 I mean, I saw Luigi Mangione facing a slew of federal and state charges in the sling of

01:43:31.980 healthcare CEO Brian Thompson could be sentenced to death if he's convicted of federal murder

01:43:35.460 charges in what criminal justice experts say was a rare but unsurprising move to pursue

01:43:40.140 the death penalty by the Justice Department this week.

01:43:42.880 Wow.

01:43:43.640 Damn.

01:43:43.980 Dude, remember Attorney General Pam Bondi announced Tuesday that she's instructed federal prosecutors

01:43:48.020 to seek the death penalty for Mangione 26?

01:43:50.280 Dude, remember what happened with those Epstein binders?

01:43:52.780 Remember that shit?

01:43:53.440 Oh, yeah.

01:43:54.500 That and the JFK.

01:43:55.740 That just kind of went away.

01:43:57.140 Well, I think there was nothing new in the JFK, right?

01:43:59.400 Right.

01:43:59.480 I think everybody just kind of like, it feels like there's nothing new there.

01:44:03.120 But remember the binders?

01:44:04.080 They gave them all to these like six, like kind of bizarre influencers.

01:44:10.300 Yeah.

01:44:10.900 And look how, I mean, bro, how staged, this is the most staged thing ever, right?

01:44:15.480 Yeah.

01:44:15.780 And they can't be like, today's the day it's coming out.

01:44:18.000 And you're like, well, what are you doing to me?

01:44:19.380 And then nothing has happened since then.

01:44:21.080 No, they're edging us with this list.

01:44:22.800 Yeah.

01:44:23.220 How could it take this many years?

01:44:25.380 How fake or procured?

01:44:27.240 It's almost like you're just, I bet in the background, they are threatening everybody.

01:44:32.460 You're going to be on this list if you don't fucking file suit right now.

01:44:36.540 That's got to be it.

01:44:37.340 It's leverage.

01:44:38.560 And then look at this binders.

01:44:40.340 I mean, how fake is that?

01:44:41.680 Well, we got Ghislaine.

01:44:42.820 She's just sitting in a jail cell.

01:44:44.160 Let's talk to that broad.

01:44:45.720 Who is it?

01:44:46.440 Ghislaine Maxwell.

01:44:47.340 She did all the recruiting.

01:44:49.660 Oh, yeah.

01:44:49.940 She was like the, she did the college recruiting or whatever.

01:44:52.700 Yeah.

01:44:53.540 Yeah.

01:44:53.820 She ran the portal.

01:44:55.040 Yes, exactly.

01:44:56.100 The portal.

01:44:57.860 Yeah, she's around.

01:44:58.940 We can talk to her, but no.

01:45:00.860 That's a good point.

01:45:01.840 Where is she?

01:45:02.940 What is she up to?

01:45:03.940 I think she's sitting in a jail cell, like, living it up.

01:45:06.420 It's getting fucking interesting in the world, guys.

01:45:08.380 If you want to live in an interesting time, fucking, this is it.

01:45:14.320 This is it.

01:45:14.940 You like playing the game Clue, this is it, man.

01:45:17.200 That's it.

01:45:17.720 Every day is Clue.

01:45:18.720 You know, it's a school shooter in the homeroom with the AK.

01:45:22.020 Yeah.

01:45:22.700 Every day, dude.

01:45:23.580 The Pelicans suck still.

01:45:27.980 Yeah, yeah.

01:45:28.840 They fucking suck.

01:45:29.840 What else is new?

01:45:30.880 Yeah, that's it.

01:45:32.180 Saints, you hopeful for them next season?

01:45:33.780 Always, always.

01:45:34.840 I feel like we got one Super Bowl win in 2010, and it's all downhill.

01:45:39.280 But we had the Super Bowl in New Orleans looked fucking amazing.

01:45:42.520 Did you go?

01:45:43.240 No.

01:45:43.760 It killed me.

01:45:44.560 I was texting Gillis.

01:45:45.480 I was texting Bert.

01:45:46.120 I had so much FOMO, because, you know, we're from there, and it was just—

01:45:49.540 We should have been there.

01:45:50.240 The city was alive.

01:45:51.200 We should have been there.

01:45:52.020 I just had a kid, so I couldn't leave.

01:45:53.840 Oh, that kid's only a couple months old?

01:45:55.180 Yeah, two months.

01:45:56.320 Wow.

01:45:56.900 Crazy.

01:45:57.580 Do you really miss it when you're gone from it?

01:45:59.740 I do.

01:46:00.200 He's in the car right now.

01:46:01.640 You're lying.

01:46:02.260 No, no.

01:46:03.200 But, yeah, he's—

01:46:06.640 Oh, my God.

01:46:07.300 Order him a coffee or something.

01:46:10.840 That's a lot, man.

01:46:11.960 Congratulations, dude.

01:46:12.680 I feel like I didn't ask you enough about your kid.

01:46:14.740 No, no.

01:46:15.360 No, everybody's got a kid.

01:46:16.840 Retards and crackheads have kids.

01:46:18.440 You know, it's not that big of a deal.

01:46:20.920 Is it fun having a kid in the city, or does it make you start to think about moving out?

01:46:24.200 Well, I got lucky.

01:46:25.400 Me and the lady, we had the kid on the way, so we moved to Brooklyn.

01:46:28.360 We got a backyard.

01:46:29.540 We got some space.

01:46:30.740 So that helps.

01:46:31.700 Okay.

01:46:32.060 But I like New York.

01:46:33.700 Yeah.

01:46:34.240 So we're staying.

01:46:35.080 Well, you're an energy.

01:46:36.000 You're that guy.

01:46:37.500 Yeah.

01:46:38.820 Comedy.

01:46:40.140 Mark Norman, thanks so much, dude.

01:46:41.700 You have your new series that's on YouTube.

01:46:43.760 It's on Punch Up Live, which is like a paywall kind of thing.

01:46:48.180 So go to punchuplive.com, page to stage.

01:46:50.620 Okay.

01:46:51.140 Page to stage.

01:46:52.300 You got it.

01:46:53.040 And you have your two podcast Tuesdays with stories.

01:46:57.920 Yep.

01:46:58.820 We might be drunk.

01:47:00.140 We might be drunk.

01:47:01.500 Mark Norman, thanks so much, dude.

01:47:03.180 Have a blast at Kill Tony, man.

01:47:05.000 Thank you.

01:47:05.140 If we can even say you're doing it.

01:47:06.920 Yeah.

01:47:07.640 Who dat, dude?

01:47:08.600 Who dat for life?

01:47:10.120 Good to see you, buddy.

01:47:11.020 You too, man.

01:47:11.440 Thank you, bro.

01:47:11.900 Now I'm just floating on the breeze

01:47:15.100 And I feel I'm falling like these leaves

01:47:18.060 I must be cornerstone

01:47:21.380 Oh, but when I reach that ground

01:47:25.940 I'll share this peace of mind

01:47:28.100 I found I can feel it

01:47:30.140 In my bones

01:47:32.280 But it's gonna take

01:47:34.720 But it's gonna take

01:47:34.960 And I'm here

01:47:35.940 Amen

01:47:36.880 Thank you

01:47:38.060 I know

01:47:39.420 God

01:47:40.660 I know

01:47:41.240 God

01:47:41.440 I know

01:47:42.120 I know

01:47:44.360 of oh God

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - April 08, 2025

#574 - Mark Normand

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