This Past Weekend with Theo Von - #580

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00:00:30.000 Right here, we've got some new, new tour dates to tell you about.

00:00:34.620 I'll be in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania on July the 9th.

00:00:38.420 Rochester, New York on July the 10th.

00:00:41.140 And Detroit, Michigan on July 11th and 12th at the Fox Theater.

00:00:48.320 As well, we have shows upcoming in Miami, Cedar Rapids, St. Paul, Fargo,

00:00:53.920 Rapid City, Winnipeg, and Calgary.

00:01:00.100 You can get all your tickets at theovon.com slash T-O-U-R.

00:01:04.840 Thank you so much for the support.

00:01:07.060 Today's guest is a legendary comedian and actor.

00:01:09.340 He's a friend of mine.

00:01:11.800 He's probably my closest friend in Hollywood.

00:01:13.660 I'll say that.

00:01:14.720 Or out of that area.

00:01:16.240 You know?

00:01:19.800 I just feel blessed to know him.

00:01:23.820 He's got a new special, Dandelion, streaming now on Prime Video.

00:01:28.520 You know his classic movies, Tommy Boy, Black Sheep, Joe Dirt.

00:01:34.000 This guy's got a big heart.

00:01:38.340 I'll tell you that.

00:01:39.640 And one of the biggest senses of humor that exists.

00:01:42.500 I'm happy to welcome back today's guest, Mr. David Spade.

00:01:47.160 All right, we ready?

00:02:06.120 We ready?

00:02:08.040 Waiting, waiting.

00:02:09.780 This is a fucking waiting game.

00:02:11.960 Waiting for Gal Gadot.

00:02:13.040 Have you seen that movie?

00:02:14.120 That play?

00:02:15.560 Waiting for Gal Gadot.

00:02:16.580 Yeah, I like Gal Gadot.

00:02:18.120 Waiting for Gal Gadot.

00:02:19.040 It's like a new...

00:02:20.240 It's a female take on...

00:02:22.520 No, it's not.

00:02:24.580 You haven't seen that?

00:02:25.860 Waiting on Gal Gadot.

00:02:27.940 Oh, I would wait on her.

00:02:29.460 No, it's a...

00:02:31.880 Waiting on Gal Gadot, that one?

00:02:33.840 It's a book that her assistant wrote.

00:02:36.960 There's one called Waiting on...

00:02:38.340 Is that true?

00:02:39.060 That's a good one, if it is.

00:02:41.180 You know what's a good one?

00:02:41.900 Waiting on...

00:02:43.340 Sorry, Waiting on who?

00:02:44.300 That's what...

00:02:44.840 Rachel Ziegler.

00:02:46.260 Oh, Rachel...

00:02:47.060 That's what the head of Disney wrote.

00:02:50.080 That book.

00:02:51.220 Waiting on Rachel Ziegler.

00:02:53.860 Dude, well, what happened?

00:02:54.900 They didn't put...

00:02:55.680 What happened with that whole thing?

00:02:57.680 They didn't put...

00:02:59.240 Little People in it, right?

00:03:00.840 First?

00:03:01.340 Is that what happened?

00:03:02.260 Oh, in Snow White?

00:03:03.340 Yeah.

00:03:03.720 Snow White, I think the problem was...

00:03:06.160 There was a...

00:03:07.840 I don't think there's any problem with casting her.

00:03:10.540 Gal Gadot is gorgeous.

00:03:12.120 She's a good Wicked Queen.

00:03:13.940 I think they started with the dwarves,

00:03:16.520 and they made them...

00:03:19.700 I don't know what happened.

00:03:21.080 Dwarves should...

00:03:22.200 I think the idea was they should work.

00:03:24.120 Like, if...

00:03:25.400 Right, Little People should have the ability...

00:03:27.520 There's seven jobs out of the ten a year.

00:03:30.340 So, let's give them these ten...

00:03:32.240 These seven, and then I don't think...

00:03:34.700 I would leave it up to them.

00:03:35.720 Do you guys want to work?

00:03:36.940 You know?

00:03:37.700 I sound like it's so horrible.

00:03:38.820 You guys...

00:03:39.720 I mean, listen.

00:03:41.040 There's a lot that work.

00:03:42.020 People say Peter Dinklage,

00:03:43.720 but they can't name ten more that are...

00:03:46.820 That work a lot.

00:03:47.800 So, hell.

00:03:48.440 Leave it up to them.

00:03:50.120 Well, yeah.

00:03:51.200 Well, I think they also...

00:03:52.320 I think it got pretty DEI here, too,

00:03:54.820 which is fine,

00:03:55.940 but it's like...

00:03:57.400 If they were white...

00:03:58.780 Like...

00:03:59.820 Is the first one...

00:04:00.760 Is that...

00:04:01.140 That's not...

00:04:01.860 These are the origins.

00:04:02.640 Dave Grohl.

00:04:03.380 Yeah.

00:04:04.180 Is it his first guy?

00:04:05.320 Yeah.

00:04:05.720 I mean, I think his wife lets him.

00:04:07.060 He hasn't been doing well.

00:04:08.700 He's standing in the hall.

00:04:09.640 Yeah.

00:04:10.060 His wife kicked him out.

00:04:11.540 It's rude.

00:04:12.000 And first of all,

00:04:12.560 that's Friar Tuck,

00:04:13.840 who they obviously just repurposed

00:04:15.180 from Robin Hood.

00:04:16.840 So, that's not cool.

00:04:17.820 Oh, right.

00:04:18.220 And so, they just...

00:04:20.040 This is their new version.

00:04:21.480 It's the exact...

00:04:22.220 And who is that?

00:04:22.760 That's like 49ers quarterback

00:04:24.060 that's...

00:04:24.600 Yeah.

00:04:25.540 Throws a park.

00:04:26.340 That guy, what's his name?

00:04:27.260 That...

00:04:27.660 JJ Walker is close to the back.

00:04:30.620 Yeah.

00:04:31.280 David, can you pull your mic up closer?

00:04:33.080 Closer than this?

00:04:34.520 Yes, please.

00:04:35.260 Jesus Christ.

00:04:35.880 That's what guys say

00:04:36.620 when they put their wiener in my face.

00:04:38.140 Yeah, I know.

00:04:38.720 Can you go a little closer?

00:04:39.520 I go, why?

00:04:40.400 What are we doing?

00:04:41.220 This isn't a blowjob.

00:04:42.020 They go, no, no, no.

00:04:42.740 Just try to touch the back of your throat with it.

00:04:44.560 I go, but that sounds like

00:04:46.100 it's heading towards a beach.

00:04:47.540 Yeah, yeah.

00:04:48.220 Oh, is he talking about Kaepernick?

00:04:50.560 Yeah, there's your boy right there.

00:04:51.860 And who's the last guy at the end of the line?

00:04:54.100 That is...

00:04:55.500 That guy?

00:04:56.700 No.

00:04:57.280 That's Grohl.

00:04:58.180 Yeah, that's Grohl.

00:04:58.960 Who's the guy in the back?

00:04:59.660 Yeah, the guy in the back.

00:05:00.940 That's a woman.

00:05:02.180 No, that isn't.

00:05:02.880 It could be.

00:05:04.480 That guy's just a homeless dude

00:05:05.660 that walked onto the set.

00:05:07.080 Yeah, he's just like...

00:05:08.900 Temporary late.

00:05:10.220 They really got effed on Snow White, though.

00:05:12.380 That is...

00:05:12.960 It did not work in any way, shape, or form.

00:05:15.520 It's not cool, and I guess people didn't like it.

00:05:16.940 And then Minecraft came along

00:05:18.620 and beat the fucking shit out of it.

00:05:20.640 Well, so Snow White,

00:05:21.800 it should be about the fentanyl problem, huh?

00:05:24.100 Mm-hmm.

00:05:24.860 I think China White was...

00:05:27.460 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:05:28.140 That's what it should be.

00:05:29.260 I was around for China White when I was a kid.

00:05:31.660 Like, that was the...

00:05:32.960 I was so lucky,

00:05:34.020 because you used to do a little sniffy-jiffy,

00:05:35.640 I heard, and it is fun.

00:05:40.000 There are negatives,

00:05:41.460 but we always start with the positives,

00:05:43.300 especially about that.

00:05:44.680 If I could afford more

00:05:46.400 when I was parking cars and being a busboy,

00:05:48.840 I would have definitely gone crazy.

00:05:51.440 I could not, thank God.

00:05:53.380 I could do a quarter gram in a weekend,

00:05:55.240 and then I just...

00:05:55.740 I could only afford 25 bucks.

00:05:57.160 That was it.

00:05:57.800 And even that wasn't money well spent,

00:06:00.060 but don't get all excited.

00:06:01.380 You're getting a boner.

00:06:02.600 It is exciting.

00:06:03.660 I mean, talking about it, doing it,

00:06:05.340 it was fun.

00:06:06.020 It was hard to just quit it,

00:06:08.220 but it's just...

00:06:08.860 I just watch, and you go,

00:06:10.440 no way to have a career.

00:06:12.000 There's no way to have anything good

00:06:13.140 with all this pressure and shit you got to do.

00:06:14.920 And people like to rat you out,

00:06:16.280 and people like to say,

00:06:17.320 this guy, you know,

00:06:18.460 he's a little fucking deesh-deesh,

00:06:20.860 a little power flower now and then.

00:06:22.900 So if they start getting that word out there...

00:06:25.380 I luckily never got that word.

00:06:26.920 I didn't do any of the whole SNL,

00:06:28.580 and that's the funniest part,

00:06:29.660 is that I did dabble a little bit before that

00:06:32.040 just because I was in fucking showbiz.

00:06:34.440 And you're from Arizona.

00:06:35.360 You're from Scottsdale.

00:06:36.240 Yeah.

00:06:37.380 Snotsdale.

00:06:37.880 Yeah.

00:06:38.340 Well, it doesn't mean...

00:06:39.540 It wasn't really the cocaine capital of the world,

00:06:41.400 but, you know,

00:06:42.300 I was in the comedy biz,

00:06:43.980 and a couple guys had it,

00:06:45.180 and I was like fucking...

00:06:46.120 I would partake just for fun,

00:06:48.400 obviously.

00:06:50.520 Oh, yeah, brother.

00:06:51.620 But one time I did a lot,

00:06:52.740 and I was like,

00:06:53.400 I feel like I should go to the hospital.

00:06:55.800 Yeah.

00:06:56.500 You know?

00:06:57.420 I keep saying.

00:06:58.920 And then you'll walk over there.

00:07:00.380 That's the craziest is...

00:07:01.520 No, I fucking sprinted.

00:07:04.300 No, because the funny thing is

00:07:05.680 you just turn into JonBenet.

00:07:06.940 One bump,

00:07:07.520 and I'm like,

00:07:07.940 I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy,

00:07:09.400 and I'm feeling great.

00:07:11.180 And then I made my friend drive me,

00:07:15.500 and I got there,

00:07:16.540 and he's like...

00:07:17.460 And it was freezing,

00:07:18.280 and I was shaking and tight,

00:07:19.760 and he goes,

00:07:21.100 you got to go in there.

00:07:22.280 And he goes,

00:07:22.800 but they're going to ask...

00:07:23.680 Because I did stand up for about a year.

00:07:25.340 Right.

00:07:25.720 And they go,

00:07:26.360 they're going to ask,

00:07:27.100 and they're going to...

00:07:27.540 Yeah.

00:07:28.240 They're going to have to call the police.

00:07:29.600 I go, no, no, no.

00:07:30.780 Extra scared.

00:07:31.620 And he cranks the heater on in the car,

00:07:33.420 and I'm starting to fucking sweat.

00:07:35.080 But this is a good friend,

00:07:36.840 because he was there with me for three hours.

00:07:38.260 He goes,

00:07:39.180 I'll let you...

00:07:39.680 You should go in there in a second,

00:07:40.680 but just tell me more.

00:07:41.920 And I was like...

00:07:42.320 I was calming down.

00:07:43.320 This was the trick.

00:07:44.060 I didn't know this.

00:07:44.920 And my heart was going from like 3,000 over 2,000

00:07:47.940 until I started to get back to normal,

00:07:50.760 and then it got light out.

00:07:53.980 And then I go,

00:07:55.220 let's go home.

00:07:56.400 Oh.

00:07:56.860 So gross.

00:07:57.940 And then I go,

00:07:58.620 I'll never do it again.

00:07:59.900 Four days later,

00:08:00.780 hey, dude.

00:08:01.680 Yeah?

00:08:02.480 I'm fucking jinking.

00:08:03.960 Me.

00:08:04.560 Me.

00:08:04.660 Me.

00:08:04.720 Me.

00:08:04.960 Me.

00:08:05.080 Me.

00:08:05.440 Me.

00:08:05.520 Me.

00:08:05.580 Me.

00:08:06.220 Me.

00:08:06.400 Me.

00:08:06.520 Me.

00:08:06.580 Me.

00:08:06.820 Me.

00:08:07.440 What a great guy.

00:08:09.060 There's me.

00:08:10.000 And they make me JonBenet.

00:08:11.680 Oh, yeah.

00:08:14.800 JonBenet, brother.

00:08:15.980 Dude, it's funny.

00:08:16.840 Beautiful.

00:08:17.260 In those days,

00:08:18.480 first of all,

00:08:18.880 it reminded me of my old car

00:08:21.000 because this place is out

00:08:22.300 in the middle of nowhere

00:08:23.140 next to some junkyard

00:08:24.160 where we're shooting.

00:08:25.920 This is a nice area.

00:08:26.620 I mean,

00:08:26.740 it's a nice area

00:08:27.280 if you have no money.

00:08:29.200 So I used to go to this junkyard

00:08:31.720 and go to pick a part.

00:08:32.700 You know what that is?

00:08:33.220 Where they have all the cars out there.

00:08:34.880 You can go looking for what you need.

00:08:35.940 And you get a part for your own car.

00:08:37.440 Yeah.

00:08:37.560 No one thinks this ultra pussy did that.

00:08:39.940 I'd go out there

00:08:40.840 when they got him a socket wrench

00:08:42.500 looking for a Subaru brat handle.

00:08:46.020 You know,

00:08:46.580 they go,

00:08:46.920 go out there.

00:08:47.560 And that's how all that

00:08:49.020 Joe Dirt stuff started

00:08:49.900 because I'm like,

00:08:50.660 I did that,

00:08:51.720 get an alternator,

00:08:53.380 put it in my Volvo,

00:08:54.460 put it in wrong

00:08:55.240 and just live that gross

00:08:58.380 and it's 110 degrees out there

00:09:00.480 and you're burning your hands.

00:09:01.820 I remember my old Volvo

00:09:02.880 was a 62

00:09:03.740 and I,

00:09:05.960 it looked like a planter.

00:09:07.620 I should have shaved the top off,

00:09:10.000 filled it with dirt

00:09:10.700 and I would take,

00:09:13.220 if I ever had a date,

00:09:14.440 which was rare,

00:09:14.960 it was leaking a quart of oil a day.

00:09:16.660 Yeah.

00:09:17.220 So for those of you at home

00:09:18.400 that don't know,

00:09:19.000 that's a lot

00:09:19.560 and I had to buy a quart,

00:09:21.320 I mean like a,

00:09:22.040 like a box of Penn's oil

00:09:23.260 and then every day

00:09:24.540 at some point

00:09:25.080 I had to put a quart in

00:09:25.900 and if you ever had a date,

00:09:27.760 it was so embarrassing

00:09:28.720 because at some point

00:09:31.780 I had to have them

00:09:33.020 put a quart in,

00:09:33.820 you know,

00:09:35.040 and I had to explain

00:09:36.200 how to do it

00:09:36.900 and I had to sit

00:09:37.720 in the front seat

00:09:38.240 and go,

00:09:38.620 no,

00:09:39.120 you got to poke the hole

00:09:40.120 and then you got to

00:09:40.680 poke one on the other side.

00:09:41.900 Well,

00:09:42.260 that was like

00:09:42.660 the original Viagra

00:09:43.820 I think was like

00:09:44.600 you'd have to pull your car

00:09:45.900 and put a quart of oil

00:09:46.780 in it,

00:09:47.280 you know?

00:09:47.900 Yeah.

00:09:48.220 But the rev of the engine

00:09:49.440 would keep everybody

00:09:50.400 possible.

00:09:51.520 Yeah,

00:09:51.820 maybe.

00:09:52.300 It would keep you

00:09:52.420 sexually possible,

00:09:53.680 you know?

00:09:54.280 But then

00:09:55.140 now it's like,

00:09:56.420 dude,

00:09:56.620 just,

00:09:57.020 you have people

00:09:57.460 literally drinking oil

00:09:58.900 and blue chews

00:09:59.840 or whatever at the same,

00:10:00.620 it's like,

00:10:01.400 it's all on the responsibility

00:10:02.440 of the man.

00:10:03.000 I think there's,

00:10:03.960 there's a new problem

00:10:04.960 where it's like,

00:10:06.480 I don't want this guy

00:10:07.920 screaming at me again,

00:10:09.040 and the microphone's

00:10:09.660 too far away from my mug.

00:10:11.140 So,

00:10:11.560 there's a new problem

00:10:12.240 with,

00:10:12.500 with a lot of people

00:10:14.280 on medication

00:10:14.960 and I,

00:10:16.060 when I grew up,

00:10:16.880 I don't think anyone was.

00:10:17.900 Now,

00:10:18.800 did we have autism?

00:10:19.780 Did we have ADD?

00:10:21.580 It just,

00:10:22.380 people thought you're weird,

00:10:23.340 that's all,

00:10:23.780 you know?

00:10:24.320 So,

00:10:25.100 or just different

00:10:25.960 and then now

00:10:26.860 people are on uppers,

00:10:28.620 downers,

00:10:28.980 so there's,

00:10:30.580 and some boners go away,

00:10:32.020 that's what I'm hearing.

00:10:32.900 So,

00:10:33.660 that's why blue chew

00:10:34.800 and boner pills

00:10:35.600 are everywhere

00:10:36.920 and,

00:10:37.560 and they're,

00:10:39.040 for younger people,

00:10:39.780 not just people.

00:10:41.640 Oh,

00:10:41.820 you'll see,

00:10:42.220 you can't even get a kid's diaper off

00:10:43.780 because he's all winged up.

00:10:44.880 He's rotted up.

00:10:45.720 Yeah.

00:10:46.300 Fucking rock art.

00:10:47.640 I think.

00:10:48.560 Winged up,

00:10:49.220 is that one?

00:10:50.320 I mean,

00:10:51.060 I don't know what these.

00:10:52.200 Fucking sundial in there.

00:10:55.180 I like,

00:10:56.020 no picture,

00:10:57.580 no picture for that.

00:10:59.060 Sometimes like,

00:11:00.260 you'll go to the dad,

00:11:01.160 you'll be like that,

00:11:01.900 you know?

00:11:02.000 Yeah,

00:11:02.200 good job,

00:11:02.760 dude.

00:11:02.920 But nothing crazy

00:11:03.900 and they're not big,

00:11:05.040 it's nothing you can keep

00:11:05.700 a spare key on or anything.

00:11:07.080 You know?

00:11:09.100 You can hang your coat.

00:11:10.460 Yeah.

00:11:10.840 No,

00:11:11.200 no,

00:11:11.460 I know.

00:11:12.000 Baby boners are really,

00:11:13.400 I feel like when I go to the gas station

00:11:15.560 and,

00:11:15.980 and they always have like

00:11:17.020 those sort of fake ones

00:11:19.560 right there.

00:11:20.400 Oh,

00:11:20.720 yeah,

00:11:20.940 like rhinoceros.

00:11:22.320 Yeah.

00:11:22.800 Two billion,

00:11:23.560 huh?

00:11:24.080 Impulse buy

00:11:24.880 and I go,

00:11:25.920 I don't know.

00:11:26.620 And I'm getting my stuff,

00:11:27.760 here's my pretzels

00:11:28.880 and they're like,

00:11:29.420 hey,

00:11:29.740 rod for the road?

00:11:30.580 I'm like,

00:11:31.180 why not?

00:11:31.900 Let me,

00:11:32.380 I'm going to Irvine,

00:11:33.380 it's a long drive.

00:11:34.220 Who wants a boner to drive around?

00:11:36.160 Anyway,

00:11:36.780 I don't know if that's what they're for.

00:11:38.480 Yeah,

00:11:38.800 I don't get them.

00:11:39.500 I don't get a lot of like

00:11:40.760 man-made boners

00:11:41.820 or whatever they're called anymore.

00:11:43.100 Yeah.

00:11:43.320 I get mine.

00:11:44.280 Yeah,

00:11:44.460 there's some power zen,

00:11:46.580 vicious pussy serpent.

00:11:49.560 Extreme rod.

00:11:50.780 Yeah.

00:11:52.760 Actually,

00:11:53.160 this is kind of merged

00:11:54.220 with like,

00:11:54.860 the fireworks circuit.

00:11:56.980 I think these things

00:11:58.320 and fireworks

00:11:58.920 are so close

00:11:59.580 to being just compatible.

00:12:01.980 Dude,

00:12:02.240 I heard a story

00:12:03.260 that we had,

00:12:05.700 we just had a bus driver

00:12:06.720 when we were doing touring

00:12:07.720 for stand-up

00:12:08.420 and he,

00:12:11.300 either he or his brother

00:12:12.500 had driven you

00:12:13.420 and one time

00:12:14.740 you stopped

00:12:15.420 at a firework stand

00:12:16.860 and went in

00:12:17.920 and did your Joe Dirt bit.

00:12:19.640 Is that true?

00:12:20.360 Well,

00:12:21.000 I think we had the same driver

00:12:22.400 because I think he texted me

00:12:23.580 and said,

00:12:23.960 I got Theo now.

00:12:24.840 but I was,

00:12:27.200 I don't do a lot of bus tours

00:12:28.240 and we were,

00:12:29.400 I think in Kentucky,

00:12:30.340 it was perfecto for Joe Dirt

00:12:31.820 and so,

00:12:32.860 so many people were saying,

00:12:35.100 were knowing me from Joe Dirt

00:12:36.300 that I said,

00:12:37.400 fuck,

00:12:37.780 there are firework stands here.

00:12:39.040 Like,

00:12:39.180 there were in Arizona

00:12:39.780 when I grew up

00:12:41.540 and so,

00:12:42.960 I said,

00:12:43.540 let's find one

00:12:44.820 and pull over.

00:12:45.500 I just want to go in

00:12:46.460 and see what they have,

00:12:47.500 you know.

00:12:47.660 Yeah.

00:12:48.600 See the new stuff.

00:12:49.840 You got the good stuff?

00:12:50.600 I did ask him

00:12:51.220 if they got the good stuff

00:12:52.020 and then,

00:12:52.700 so,

00:12:53.220 the funny part was

00:12:54.480 we went in

00:12:54.920 and it was sort of

00:12:55.680 an older woman

00:12:56.360 and two young guys

00:12:58.100 and they knew me right away

00:12:59.520 but I did have a hat on

00:13:00.600 and shades

00:13:00.980 but they knew it right away

00:13:01.920 and then they took me around

00:13:03.300 and showed me all their ones.

00:13:05.260 The Godfather.

00:13:06.580 This one,

00:13:07.940 you know,

00:13:08.180 it's basically just,

00:13:09.180 basically,

00:13:09.760 you get to a point

00:13:10.440 where what,

00:13:11.080 North Korea has.

00:13:12.040 Yeah.

00:13:12.460 It's really,

00:13:13.200 it gets very extreme.

00:13:14.760 We,

00:13:15.260 when I grew up,

00:13:15.920 black hats,

00:13:16.780 the basics,

00:13:17.940 M80s,

00:13:19.320 Roman candles were a hit.

00:13:21.080 Yeah.

00:13:21.420 And then whistling

00:13:24.160 pussy chasers.

00:13:26.380 That's what we called them

00:13:27.380 in the movie

00:13:27.680 and then we had to switch it

00:13:28.480 to kitty chaser.

00:13:29.640 Oh,

00:13:30.080 really?

00:13:30.380 Is that true?

00:13:31.020 Oh,

00:13:31.220 yeah.

00:13:31.460 Whistling bungles.

00:13:32.200 Yeah.

00:13:32.520 And now,

00:13:33.820 spleen splitters.

00:13:34.740 Yeah,

00:13:34.880 me and Fred Wolfe

00:13:35.580 just made these up.

00:13:36.960 Some,

00:13:37.340 some sound real.

00:13:38.680 Them whisker biscuits.

00:13:39.720 Those honky lighters

00:13:40.640 are for sure.

00:13:41.520 Yeah.

00:13:41.760 Cherry bombs was real.

00:13:44.360 Kicking whistling bungles

00:13:45.760 is fake.

00:13:47.400 But we had quarter sticks,

00:13:49.400 M80s.

00:13:49.980 We'd go to Mexico

00:13:50.960 and get a quarter sticks

00:13:52.840 and half sticks of dynamite.

00:13:54.620 Really?

00:13:55.440 No supervision at all.

00:13:56.960 Yeah.

00:13:57.460 Yeah.

00:13:57.940 That's,

00:13:58.280 when they have real dynamite,

00:13:59.620 that's not fireworks anymore.

00:14:01.120 No,

00:14:01.340 it gets in a different area.

00:14:02.780 Yeah,

00:14:02.940 like you should join a labor union.

00:14:04.560 They're like,

00:14:05.120 oh,

00:14:05.400 they open your trunk.

00:14:06.300 They go,

00:14:07.120 I go,

00:14:07.500 I've got fireworks.

00:14:08.420 They're like,

00:14:08.640 this is an AR-15.

00:14:10.280 I go,

00:14:10.780 I know,

00:14:11.360 fire comes out the front.

00:14:12.680 It's,

00:14:12.960 it's,

00:14:13.360 it's very murky

00:14:14.340 what you can describe

00:14:15.680 as fireworks these days.

00:14:17.160 Yeah,

00:14:17.440 we had,

00:14:17.960 I'm trying to think,

00:14:18.900 the craziest where fire don't work.

00:14:20.760 It's like the ones

00:14:21.300 where you'd light them

00:14:21.980 and it would just come out

00:14:23.400 the other side

00:14:24.260 or you would light them

00:14:25.480 and then your stepdad

00:14:26.600 would call your mom a whore

00:14:27.740 and just drive off.

00:14:28.800 You're like,

00:14:29.000 how is this even connected?

00:14:30.120 Oh yeah,

00:14:30.140 yeah.

00:14:30.800 It was like,

00:14:31.300 oh,

00:14:31.900 is this a,

00:14:32.980 fireworks at Coachella

00:14:33.880 misfires and hits area

00:14:35.000 near a crowd of people

00:14:36.100 and sets tree on fire.

00:14:37.800 Oh,

00:14:38.000 I think this was part

00:14:38.660 of MGK's outfit.

00:14:41.020 This part of his outfit?

00:14:42.260 Look at that shit.

00:14:43.080 Dude,

00:14:43.460 how bad did you fucking miss?

00:14:44.800 You're just aiming for the air.

00:14:50.680 Oh,

00:14:51.100 they should make the fireworks

00:14:52.140 when you light them

00:14:52.800 and then they only hit a pedophile

00:14:54.460 when they take off.

00:14:55.260 Yeah,

00:14:55.560 pedophile chasers.

00:14:57.480 Yeah,

00:14:57.680 and just light them up in DC.

00:14:58.900 This looks like the inside

00:15:00.100 of the Minecraft movie

00:15:01.120 when they bring

00:15:01.760 the chicken jockey out.

00:15:03.140 Have you seen that?

00:15:03.680 People light fireworks

00:15:04.580 in there now.

00:15:05.340 There's a part of the movie

00:15:06.580 that something happens

00:15:08.360 and everyone used to

00:15:08.880 throw popcorn at the screen

00:15:09.980 and now they've gone,

00:15:11.040 now they get in fights

00:15:11.920 and they light off firecrackers

00:15:13.560 and it goes bananas

00:15:14.760 so they have to stop

00:15:15.880 the movie now.

00:15:17.000 Is it like,

00:15:18.080 kind of like

00:15:18.780 Rocky Horror Picture Show?

00:15:19.480 A little bit worse

00:15:20.520 because they were contained

00:15:22.840 and they,

00:15:23.540 okay,

00:15:23.940 something's going to go wrong.

00:15:25.120 Oh,

00:15:25.220 is this Terry?

00:15:26.020 This is like,

00:15:27.020 yeah.

00:15:27.040 Is this back it up,

00:15:27.760 Terry?

00:15:27.960 Let's see it.

00:15:29.360 Are we allowed to show this?

00:15:31.020 It's the darker side

00:15:32.100 of fireworks here.

00:15:32.900 Yeah,

00:15:33.160 yeah.

00:15:33.360 I don't know

00:15:36.760 if this is the guy

00:15:37.500 that should be

00:15:38.000 lighting him and running.

00:15:39.960 He should sort of be

00:15:40.900 kicking back

00:15:41.460 about 100 feet away.

00:15:42.980 Yeah,

00:15:43.400 yeah,

00:15:43.620 this is crazy,

00:15:44.760 dude.

00:15:45.280 These guys do not look

00:15:46.120 like professionals

00:15:46.800 for sure.

00:15:48.620 They don't even know

00:15:49.040 where to light it.

00:15:52.240 This is guys

00:15:53.000 Make-A-Wish Foundation

00:15:54.440 want to light fireworks.

00:15:58.600 Get out of there,

00:15:59.580 Terry.

00:15:59.840 Oh,

00:16:00.040 it's me.

00:16:01.240 Oh,

00:16:01.800 Lord.

00:16:02.920 Oh,

00:16:03.360 no one helps him.

00:16:04.700 Hang on,

00:16:05.220 Terry.

00:16:05.680 What you doing,

00:16:06.600 Terry?

00:16:06.680 Help him.

00:16:07.640 Tell you what to do.

00:16:08.900 I'm like,

00:16:09.500 what are you doing,

00:16:10.300 Terry?

00:16:10.560 Help fucking Terry.

00:16:12.360 He's blinded.

00:16:13.460 He can't see

00:16:13.980 the goddamn

00:16:14.360 control panel.

00:16:16.840 God.

00:16:21.240 It's so funny.

00:16:22.200 I cannot stand

00:16:22.880 to watch people

00:16:23.440 that just film things

00:16:24.860 and never get involved.

00:16:26.340 They laugh

00:16:27.060 their fucking ass off

00:16:28.100 no matter what.

00:16:29.240 Did you see the guy

00:16:30.140 who fell in the water

00:16:31.260 the other day?

00:16:31.960 No.

00:16:32.260 Bring up that guy

00:16:33.940 who they paid,

00:16:34.920 they earned him

00:16:35.600 like three or four

00:16:36.160 hundred dollars

00:16:36.500 to get into the water

00:16:37.560 of like a flash flood

00:16:39.040 basically.

00:16:40.280 I'm sure he's dead.

00:16:41.380 It was a beautiful young man.

00:16:42.460 I don't know how he's doing.

00:16:45.480 See if you can find that.

00:16:46.960 Yeah,

00:16:47.180 while we're doing that.

00:16:48.180 The craziest was like

00:16:48.980 the saddest was

00:16:50.100 we had a guy by us,

00:16:51.300 a dad,

00:16:51.900 and he was like

00:16:52.600 just like barely a day.

00:16:55.460 He was like

00:16:56.020 kind of like

00:16:56.420 a whimsical kind of dad.

00:16:58.100 Like wish he'd never

00:16:59.220 probably been married

00:17:00.280 to a,

00:17:02.080 and I'm going to say this fast

00:17:03.240 so I don't sound like

00:17:04.060 sexist or anything,

00:17:05.340 woman,

00:17:06.080 you know?

00:17:06.960 And he would only get

00:17:08.200 his kids smoke bombs

00:17:09.300 so they would light

00:17:10.180 like a million smoke bombs.

00:17:11.620 I like smoke bombs.

00:17:12.540 But they were cool

00:17:13.240 but they would have nothing

00:17:14.440 and they would do so many.

00:17:16.140 It would look like

00:17:16.600 that Indian holiday

00:17:17.540 or whatever.

00:17:18.000 You know the one

00:17:18.360 where like suddenly

00:17:19.420 you see this bunch

00:17:19.940 of Indian people

00:17:20.880 crossing the street

00:17:21.800 who look like

00:17:22.520 they got attacked

00:17:23.180 by like an Easter,

00:17:24.680 like an Easter chalkboard

00:17:27.080 or something,

00:17:27.580 you know?

00:17:28.140 Like you don't talk about them.

00:17:28.980 Like they clap the,

00:17:30.180 Yes,

00:17:30.500 like somebody just emptied.

00:17:32.040 Or LeBron at the Laker game

00:17:33.460 goes like that.

00:17:34.280 Yeah,

00:17:34.500 like it was Easter Sunday

00:17:35.700 and LeBron was just

00:17:36.900 firing off right in front of him.

00:17:38.520 So yeah,

00:17:38.780 smoke bombs aren't as fun

00:17:39.860 as they sound.

00:17:40.460 And you need more shit going on.

00:17:44.000 Is this it?

00:17:45.320 Oh yeah,

00:17:45.600 there's firecrafts

00:17:46.260 in the Minecraft.

00:17:47.140 See?

00:17:47.620 In the movie theater?

00:17:48.700 Look at my fucking story checks out.

00:17:50.420 Wow.

00:17:52.420 Oh my God.

00:17:53.800 And who did this?

00:17:54.500 Israel?

00:17:55.440 Yeah,

00:17:55.800 this is Gaza.

00:17:57.440 This is crazy.

00:17:59.520 Like we say Gaza,

00:18:00.400 we laugh.

00:18:01.300 So fucking uncool.

00:18:03.120 It's so sad.

00:18:03.600 It's a comedy show.

00:18:05.860 Oh,

00:18:06.280 it's hard if sometimes you got,

00:18:07.500 hey,

00:18:08.020 you know what a police officer

00:18:08.900 told me one time?

00:18:09.700 He said that they'll have,

00:18:10.920 they'll show up in a place

00:18:11.620 with a bunch of murders

00:18:12.540 and you'll see police officers

00:18:13.840 stand outside laughing

00:18:14.760 because it's a thing

00:18:16.060 that happens to people

00:18:17.580 when stuff's painful.

00:18:18.760 Yeah,

00:18:18.920 it's so serious.

00:18:19.740 He says they do it.

00:18:20.560 Well,

00:18:20.760 that's what comedians do.

00:18:21.740 It's too heavy duty.

00:18:23.960 Dude,

00:18:24.140 well,

00:18:24.280 the reason we brought you here

00:18:25.140 is because you have a comedy special

00:18:26.400 coming out,

00:18:27.020 man.

00:18:27.420 Oh yeah,

00:18:27.800 that's right.

00:18:28.480 First of all,

00:18:28.900 thank you for coming,

00:18:29.560 dude.

00:18:29.940 No,

00:18:30.280 of course.

00:18:30.640 I appreciate it.

00:18:30.980 You look great,

00:18:31.740 dude.

00:18:31.800 I love seeing you.

00:18:32.740 Thank you,

00:18:33.160 dude.

00:18:33.360 You've been drinking tomato juice

00:18:34.340 or something?

00:18:35.520 Remember when V8

00:18:36.620 was the only healthy thing?

00:18:38.180 I don't think there's one tomato in V8.

00:18:40.360 I don't know what's in it.

00:18:41.540 They were like,

00:18:41.960 this is a fucking shit

00:18:43.360 when you were growing up.

00:18:44.560 Oh,

00:18:44.880 dude,

00:18:45.060 yeah.

00:18:45.400 And rich guys would pour it

00:18:46.760 in their engine or whatever

00:18:47.680 as well.

00:18:48.700 And some people

00:18:49.300 would pour it in their butt.

00:18:50.160 Yeah,

00:18:50.460 some like really rich guys

00:18:52.800 would pour it in their butt.

00:18:54.040 I had V8.

00:18:54.560 It was,

00:18:54.980 it was never,

00:18:55.960 I never liked it.

00:18:57.380 It was tomato juice

00:18:58.740 and I think vegetable juice.

00:19:01.220 But like who drank it?

00:19:03.060 I think like a mom would drink it

00:19:04.460 if they were healthy

00:19:05.220 or they were trying to make a baby

00:19:06.420 or whatever.

00:19:07.040 It didn't get around my squad

00:19:08.540 but I know that I heard about it

00:19:10.220 and I was grossed out by it.

00:19:12.560 You know what's funny is

00:19:13.740 I was just in Las Vegas.

00:19:16.080 Oh,

00:19:16.260 you know,

00:19:16.960 we went to a fight.

00:19:17.720 I was going to tell you this.

00:19:18.820 We went to a UFC fight,

00:19:20.060 right?

00:19:21.060 Theo and I went to a fight

00:19:22.340 about a year or so ago

00:19:23.960 and you know what I called you

00:19:25.760 to go to this fight?

00:19:26.500 I thought it was in Vegas

00:19:27.460 and it was in Florida.

00:19:29.600 Oh.

00:19:30.180 And I,

00:19:30.700 and then you had a gig

00:19:31.400 that night anyway.

00:19:32.320 But I was.

00:19:32.600 That would have been a great card.

00:19:33.320 You,

00:19:33.580 me,

00:19:33.820 and also your,

00:19:35.140 Jody.

00:19:36.420 Jody.

00:19:37.260 Yeah.

00:19:37.460 And also

00:19:38.300 the comedian,

00:19:41.240 famous comedian.

00:19:42.500 Oh,

00:19:42.780 Dennis.

00:19:43.240 And Dennis Miller

00:19:43.960 all the time.

00:19:44.280 Yeah,

00:19:44.360 yeah.

00:19:44.540 That was hilarious.

00:19:45.460 So,

00:19:45.660 so do you remember this story?

00:19:47.360 Did I already tell you this?

00:19:48.240 You,

00:19:48.580 you know it obviously.

00:19:49.280 So this time I just did a corporate

00:19:51.040 yesterday at Vegas.

00:19:52.740 So I'm staying at the area,

00:19:54.860 Aria short for,

00:19:56.160 named after Ariana Grande.

00:19:57.420 No,

00:19:57.680 I don't,

00:19:58.380 I don't know.

00:19:58.900 And,

00:19:59.220 um,

00:19:59.520 so I'm over there

00:20:01.060 and it's connected to the hotel

00:20:02.580 we were at.

00:20:03.280 Yeah.

00:20:03.720 And the day we went to the show,

00:20:05.020 the,

00:20:05.260 uh,

00:20:05.640 you like to go early to the fights

00:20:07.000 as you know,

00:20:07.740 because you go help set up the chairs

00:20:09.700 and armor,

00:20:10.660 all the ropes

00:20:11.120 and,

00:20:12.020 uh,

00:20:12.220 you go in.

00:20:13.540 Cause the fight started

00:20:14.420 like fucking one.

00:20:15.300 And I'm like,

00:20:15.900 we just landed.

00:20:17.080 And you're like,

00:20:17.380 you want to go there?

00:20:18.360 You want to go to the hotel first?

00:20:19.200 I'm like,

00:20:19.480 well,

00:20:19.760 I think it's at seven.

00:20:21.280 And you're like,

00:20:21.940 and you're being so nice going,

00:20:23.480 oh,

00:20:23.660 you want to go,

00:20:24.220 you want to wait till seven?

00:20:25.160 And I'm like,

00:20:26.060 yeah,

00:20:26.380 because that's the,

00:20:27.580 the good one start.

00:20:28.520 They're on TV

00:20:29.020 and it's still three hours.

00:20:30.720 And for spade to sit for three hours,

00:20:32.340 it's fucking rough

00:20:33.120 with these brittle fucking bones.

00:20:35.480 So you're like,

00:20:36.620 cool,

00:20:36.860 cool.

00:20:37.080 We'll go at seven.

00:20:37.560 And I didn't know

00:20:38.660 that you wanted to go

00:20:39.480 really bad earlier.

00:20:40.640 So we're eating

00:20:41.260 and I'm like,

00:20:41.580 this spaghetti is good.

00:20:42.800 You're like,

00:20:43.000 let's fucking go.

00:20:44.080 So I have a car taking us.

00:20:46.400 It's a,

00:20:46.740 it's like a black suburban,

00:20:48.300 right?

00:20:49.000 So AC in it,

00:20:50.480 we go out front.

00:20:51.320 He's not there.

00:20:52.660 It's so weird

00:20:53.260 because they always get there early

00:20:54.160 and you're like,

00:20:54.900 well,

00:20:54.980 we got to go.

00:20:55.480 It's quarter to seven

00:20:56.160 and we got to be there at seven

00:20:57.280 and we're next to the arena

00:20:59.380 and I'm like,

00:20:59.900 fuck,

00:21:00.120 where's this guy?

00:21:00.500 And then he hits me up

00:21:01.160 and goes,

00:21:01.780 hey dude,

00:21:02.780 you go,

00:21:03.080 let's get an Uber.

00:21:03.660 And I go,

00:21:03.980 well,

00:21:04.080 give him a second.

00:21:04.640 And then I go,

00:21:05.360 he goes,

00:21:05.960 oh,

00:21:06.260 I spaced.

00:21:07.840 I'm sending another car.

00:21:09.040 It'll be there in a second.

00:21:09.720 I go,

00:21:09.900 we're in a hurry.

00:21:10.340 He goes,

00:21:10.520 it's very close.

00:21:12.040 So this,

00:21:12.880 and I see your jank.

00:21:14.620 First,

00:21:15.000 I've seen you kind of get mad.

00:21:16.240 Yeah.

00:21:16.660 Cause I was getting mad too.

00:21:17.740 Cause I'm like,

00:21:18.240 fuck,

00:21:18.520 what is,

00:21:19.060 where's this guy?

00:21:19.960 And plus we're stressed.

00:21:21.240 So the suburban pulls up,

00:21:23.560 we jump in

00:21:24.360 and the guy goes,

00:21:25.720 okay,

00:21:26.220 where are you going to?

00:21:27.280 And he goes,

00:21:27.960 you deal?

00:21:28.740 And you're like,

00:21:29.240 yeah.

00:21:29.340 And I'm like,

00:21:30.000 hmm.

00:21:30.900 And then I go,

00:21:31.560 this is my driver.

00:21:32.600 And then I looked down

00:21:33.520 and we started.

00:21:33.880 It was international fight week.

00:21:35.220 Yeah,

00:21:35.420 this is good.

00:21:36.620 This is how he sounds.

00:21:37.140 This is actually sounds like him.

00:21:38.540 It's not nothing bad.

00:21:39.880 So then the driver texts me and goes,

00:21:42.580 Hey,

00:21:42.860 did you just pull out?

00:21:43.880 I just saw you.

00:21:44.380 And I go,

00:21:45.100 wait,

00:21:45.380 is this not the car?

00:21:46.420 And I go,

00:21:46.740 Theo,

00:21:46.920 what is this?

00:21:47.360 And he go,

00:21:47.700 I called an Uber,

00:21:48.560 dude.

00:21:48.680 It's taking too long.

00:21:49.520 I go,

00:21:50.020 okay.

00:21:50.460 So we go.

00:21:52.300 And now I go,

00:21:53.580 and the funny part was I go,

00:21:55.120 Hey dude.

00:21:55.580 All right.

00:21:56.420 If,

00:21:57.160 if you're going to this T-Mobile,

00:21:58.300 we got to go in the loading dock.

00:21:59.560 That's where we have to get our tickets and enter.

00:22:01.800 And he goes,

00:22:02.680 Oh no,

00:22:03.200 that's only for VIP special.

00:22:05.180 And I go,

00:22:06.020 right.

00:22:06.620 And then he goes,

00:22:07.140 you want VIP special?

00:22:08.480 Yeah.

00:22:08.720 And we go,

00:22:09.040 no.

00:22:09.240 And he goes,

00:22:09.860 Oh,

00:22:10.140 you have to be special.

00:22:11.380 And I go,

00:22:12.040 Oh,

00:22:12.360 we,

00:22:12.540 we're special.

00:22:13.900 And he goes,

00:22:14.600 no,

00:22:15.620 no,

00:22:15.760 that's for special people.

00:22:16.820 And I'm like,

00:22:17.180 I get it.

00:22:17.660 And then Theo goes,

00:22:18.580 no,

00:22:19.060 he's special.

00:22:20.140 He does movies and stuff.

00:22:22.540 And he looks back and he goes,

00:22:24.380 no,

00:22:24.780 he no special.

00:22:26.420 Why do you know I'm no special?

00:22:28.180 You fuck.

00:22:29.120 So,

00:22:29.580 uh,

00:22:30.320 he wouldn't take us.

00:22:31.520 So then you,

00:22:32.680 you just go,

00:22:33.340 let's just get out.

00:22:34.060 Yeah.

00:22:34.340 So we just got out in the street and we saw a door and then they go,

00:22:39.040 Oh,

00:22:40.740 you wrong door.

00:22:41.820 Yeah.

00:22:41.960 You got to go for animals and like lighting for all of Noah's arcs animals.

00:22:46.820 And so they go,

00:22:47.880 so we're trying to get ahold of everyone.

00:22:49.140 And they go,

00:22:50.020 you're,

00:22:50.320 you're not at the special door.

00:22:51.420 I know this fucking guy wouldn't believe it.

00:22:53.340 So we had to find a way to get either all the way to the other side or cut

00:22:58.340 through.

00:22:58.700 They finally sent someone to get us.

00:23:00.300 Yeah.

00:23:00.760 But,

00:23:01.120 uh,

00:23:01.280 it was quite humiliating.

00:23:02.380 The guy didn't believe for a second.

00:23:04.140 We were special.

00:23:04.680 Not at all.

00:23:05.100 I even showed him a video of yours from one of your movies and he laughed.

00:23:08.980 That's funny.

00:23:09.680 And he's like,

00:23:10.240 Oh,

00:23:10.520 it kind of looked like him,

00:23:12.040 but not him.

00:23:13.800 UFC three 15 will be on the TV.

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00:25:12.220 Yeah, recently I was paying for something butcher bargain or I don't know what it was something

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00:25:26.080 So somebody over there is just eating my bacon.

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00:27:53.680 You know what's funny is I wish we could show that little clip that you have of the movie.

00:27:59.840 We could if we want.

00:28:00.720 I don't think we can because – can we air it because of the music or not?

00:28:05.280 I don't know.

00:28:05.960 Oh, that's a good point, huh?

00:28:07.020 You know, I don't know.

00:28:08.360 Ask those fucking clowns in there.

00:28:11.760 Did they take off?

00:28:12.740 We could show it on silent if we want.

00:28:14.620 No, it's good with a song.

00:28:16.420 Anyway, that's all.

00:28:17.760 Because you show that clip in your show, right?

00:28:19.280 Yeah, we show it during the halftime or like towards the end of the show.

00:28:22.460 Yeah, my friend was in Tallahassee.

00:28:23.960 They hit me up.

00:28:24.660 They go, oh my God, this fucking clip just played.

00:28:26.420 It's great.

00:28:27.060 Did they really?

00:28:27.560 They were excited.

00:28:28.180 Oh, that's awesome.

00:28:28.700 They write your show.

00:28:29.600 Oh, that's cool.

00:28:30.460 It's been well received by people.

00:28:32.040 Yeah.

00:28:32.160 You know?

00:28:32.620 Just people getting to see the –

00:28:34.180 It's a good little window into it.

00:28:36.400 See the trailer for Busboys.

00:28:37.840 Yeah.

00:28:37.980 Yeah, I'm trying to think.

00:28:38.720 What do you think is the toughest part now having like kind of put a movie together from the beginning?

00:28:43.500 What do you think is kind of one of the toughest parts?

00:28:46.260 Fuck.

00:28:46.740 I mean it's all – it's tough all the way along the way because we're just doing it alone.

00:28:53.180 Usually we work for Boss, Paramount, Sony, Netflix.

00:28:56.860 You know, they tell us what to do and we kind of just – we're on our own.

00:28:59.960 But we also know there's someone else calling some shots the bigger shots, budgetary things, this and that, casting we have to agree on.

00:29:08.160 So I rarely – I've never gone into it like this where it's just me and you and that's good.

00:29:13.580 There's some tough part about it but it's overall the best because we put it up.

00:29:19.220 We're going in.

00:29:20.500 It's such a complicated process so it's almost too much because usually there's someone that cover this and you can kind of oversee it.

00:29:26.380 But to get into everything about pre-production and budget and casting and locations and all the union stuff, we got to know.

00:29:34.160 That's where it gets hard.

00:29:35.360 And now we've gotten through the hard part.

00:29:37.480 We got it.

00:29:38.340 We shot it through the fires, through all the stuff.

00:29:41.400 Very tough.

00:29:42.180 It's a good point.

00:29:42.600 Very tough to get through a movie and then –

00:29:45.320 There were so many things that were tough.

00:29:46.720 I always say after a movie, I'm not doing this again.

00:29:48.680 It's too hard and everyone thinks I'm a huge pussy.

00:29:50.800 But it's more – it's mentally tough.

00:29:52.740 It's hard.

00:29:53.160 You got to memorize stuff.

00:29:54.020 You're driving all day.

00:29:54.840 You're getting out there dark and it's such a luxury to do a movie that you can't complain to anyone.

00:30:02.020 I can complain to you.

00:30:03.180 But we're in it together so we get it but – and you can tell other people in movies.

00:30:09.140 But regular people go –

00:30:10.840 You know, they actually bust their ass.

00:30:14.780 Right.

00:30:15.140 So we're like pretending to be people that work hard.

00:30:18.380 That's us in a movie.

00:30:20.500 That's hilarious.

00:30:21.060 So we're bust boys.

00:30:21.680 So anyway –

00:30:22.760 Yeah, they give you just long enough to polish the gun that you have in your trailer and then before you can use it on yourself.

00:30:28.060 Yeah.

00:30:28.300 They're like, hey, we need you back on set.

00:30:29.660 Yeah, it's always like where are they?

00:30:31.300 I'm walking with number two.

00:30:32.740 Here's number one.

00:30:34.340 I'd go for a walk.

00:30:35.160 They'd just follow me.

00:30:35.980 Yeah.

00:30:36.100 You know, they walk out of your – you know, you walk around the trailer and you're like – and you're always miked and you're always – it's all – you know.

00:30:42.300 And it's fucking freezing.

00:30:43.660 I thought it would be too hot.

00:30:44.460 It's freezing.

00:30:45.160 So anyway, we finish it and now it's rough-cutted and now the hard part is just getting it to a point where we think it's good and you're not wasting jokes.

00:30:56.800 Yeah.

00:30:57.160 Like a lot of things we did had like – Theo is very good on the set of – we're actually good together because I think you're great.

00:31:03.960 And if we have a scene and we do it, then we just start goofing around like a couple before we leave, get a few extra jokes in.

00:31:10.620 So which one of those do we use?

00:31:12.420 It's very hard to – this is funny for one reason.

00:31:14.460 This is funny for another.

00:31:15.580 And the rest of your life, people will remember one joke and they'll never see the other three.

00:31:19.880 And you go, fuck, did we pick the right one for that?

00:31:22.560 That for someone who's indecisive like me and you are kind of too that it's hard to do.

00:31:28.180 And then you just got to pick one, lock it down.

00:31:30.620 And then we will probably – I think our next step will show it to like 20, 30 people because you really get a feel for where there's a dead spot, where there's something that works.

00:31:40.620 Yeah, you got to have honest friends look at it.

00:31:42.800 Yeah, and I have friends and friends are always going to start by saying they like it and then – but I haven't had fucking one person look at it yet.

00:31:49.360 Same.

00:31:49.880 I'm too scared.

00:31:51.780 The director of all these movies, Pete Siegel, who's a great guy, he came by the set one day and he did Anger Management and The Longest Yard and 50 for a while.

00:32:00.620 First Dates and Tommy Boy and all these movies.

00:32:03.560 So he – I said, I might have you take a look at it because I just want you as an observer objectively, where are we with this?

00:32:11.600 And that's the only guy.

00:32:12.760 But I do want to at some point when you get your fixes in and we get something we kind of like and then we show it.

00:32:20.380 Yeah.

00:32:20.880 And then that will tell us a lot.

00:32:21.920 We'll be like, oh my god, this is way funnier than we thought.

00:32:24.680 They're laughing at this stuff instead of that laugh.

00:32:27.040 Well, I didn't see that coming, like a cutaway.

00:32:29.280 And then they go, oh, this feels flat.

00:32:30.740 And some people might be confused.

00:32:32.660 Yeah.

00:32:32.800 At the end, we go, where – did you understand what this is?

00:32:36.700 People are like, were you guys playing fucking busboys?

00:32:39.520 We're like, oh boy, we're way off.

00:32:41.060 Okay.

00:32:41.620 And you didn't get that part?

00:32:43.660 Because, you know, people don't know.

00:32:45.040 They just watch it.

00:32:46.300 Yeah, I mean that's the scariest part, I feel like, is trying to just like see before you show it to somebody is like – is what I think makes sense here makes sense to other people.

00:32:55.560 Right, because we know it.

00:32:56.400 We're too close to it.

00:32:57.400 Yeah, I think it gets weird.

00:32:58.660 Even jokes where people go, I see one clip and they go, oh, that's great.

00:33:02.780 I go, oh, it is?

00:33:04.040 Because I've seen it 10 times.

00:33:05.460 I don't know what's funny anymore.

00:33:06.860 Yeah.

00:33:07.020 You know, so it does take objectively – but it's so fucking stressful.

00:33:13.200 What do you feel like was one of the funnest days that we had?

00:33:17.140 That's a good question.

00:33:18.460 It's funny because every day has an underlying stress level of knowing your lines, getting things done, losing the light.

00:33:25.980 We got to get this.

00:33:26.920 Is it right?

00:33:28.620 Do we know what we're doing?

00:33:30.000 Is it set up, blocking, all that shit?

00:33:31.940 But I'm good at giving long answers that are boring.

00:33:37.800 I thought it was fun when we were in the lair with the drugs.

00:33:43.060 Yeah.

00:33:43.260 That was kind of fun because there's a lot of people.

00:33:45.000 When there's a lot of people, it's fun.

00:33:46.380 Yeah.

00:33:46.640 When there's a lot of people, it's fun.

00:33:47.520 We kept having to go up and down that ladder like Ninja Turtles.

00:33:49.940 Remember that?

00:33:50.780 That was in like a condemned building that – I go, I guarantee you they should shut this down.

00:33:57.960 Yeah.

00:33:58.200 They had – there was like asbestos like art on the walls and everything.

00:34:01.860 We had to write asbestos into the script because there was so much.

00:34:04.540 It was like co-starring.

00:34:05.800 Yeah.

00:34:06.680 And yeah, there was – we were underneath like a Sears building in downtown and –

00:34:10.580 Remember the alarm went off or the old heater went off in there and it just like –

00:34:15.100 I think it was an old nuclear reactor or something or it was a Amber Alert.

00:34:20.120 It made McMuffins.

00:34:21.260 I know that.

00:34:21.520 Yeah.

00:34:21.980 We would all go – I go, oh, it's lunch.

00:34:24.160 Yeah.

00:34:24.360 They cleared us all out from the – we shouldn't even tell them this.

00:34:27.160 But anyway, I like that.

00:34:29.300 We were on the desert a lot.

00:34:31.080 It was kind of fun being out.

00:34:33.960 And then we were in there doing busboy shit with Tim Dillon I thought was funny.

00:34:37.080 Oh, yeah.

00:34:37.500 He's fun.

00:34:38.160 Yeah.

00:34:38.360 That was great.

00:34:39.040 Just getting to see him.

00:34:39.780 He has a new special that just came out too.

00:34:41.660 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:34:42.380 No, he's great.

00:34:43.500 You just have a – you have a comedy special.

00:34:45.160 Oh, yeah.

00:34:45.700 My – I'm sorry.

00:34:46.640 Coming out.

00:34:47.000 Amazon special.

00:34:47.300 Can you guys hear him okay?

00:34:48.140 Sorry.

00:34:49.380 Yeah, it's great.

00:34:50.040 Okay.

00:34:50.640 You have a –

00:34:51.440 David, can you put the mic behind you now?

00:34:54.300 Would that help?

00:34:55.700 You have a comedy special coming out.

00:34:56.920 I do.

00:34:57.440 I did a comedy special for Amazon and we did it in Denver.

00:35:03.620 And it's interesting putting together a comedy special.

00:35:06.680 You're on the road.

00:35:08.040 And sometimes you want new stuff in there that's a little undercooked because it's new and different and you just started doing it.

00:35:14.920 And then sometimes you want to – and then you want the – and then most of the stuff is polished and buff.

00:35:20.320 So you got to – I did it probably an hour, 20, and cut it down to just under an hour.

00:35:24.840 Dang, big gunner, huh?

00:35:25.860 Is this a clip or is that a photo?

00:35:27.540 A little overshot.

00:35:28.900 Play that clip a little.

00:35:29.720 Is there a clip?

00:35:30.720 Let's see if there's anything clippable here.

00:35:34.860 Oh, this is fucking funny.

00:35:36.280 I feel it already.

00:35:39.340 I was eight years old.

00:35:40.840 I almost got kidnapped.

00:35:42.100 I'll make it funny.

00:35:42.960 I came out weird.

00:35:45.440 Blonde hair.

00:35:46.520 Looked like exactly Macaulay Culkin.

00:35:48.180 And I was kind of tan.

00:35:49.680 I was like, shorts.

00:35:51.000 I mean, it was almost in Trap Man.

00:35:54.440 I'm a bit of a dandelion.

00:35:56.080 I don't know if you can tell.

00:35:56.840 I look tough on TV, but these quads are deceiving.

00:36:01.680 Yeah, you're some guy, you know.

00:36:04.520 Yeah, look at that action shot.

00:36:06.640 Dandelion.

00:36:06.960 Dandelion is because I'm such a fucking puss.

00:36:08.600 And I couldn't think of a good name.

00:36:11.020 That's – oh, no.

00:36:11.940 You're great, dude.

00:36:13.300 It looks great.

00:36:14.060 You look very healthy in that.

00:36:14.960 It reminds me of David Duchovny.

00:36:18.320 Yeah.

00:36:18.800 A little bit.

00:36:19.260 And the guy from –

00:36:22.800 Who?

00:36:22.980 The guy from –

00:36:26.020 That guy, his partner on the TV show.

00:36:30.840 What am I talking about?

00:36:31.700 Shrek?

00:36:32.980 No.

00:36:35.080 Go ahead.

00:36:35.600 Who am I talking to?

00:36:37.100 The guy who's got all the kids.

00:36:39.160 Tim.

00:36:39.500 Tim the Toolman Taylor.

00:36:40.720 That's him.

00:36:41.300 You were looking for Al Borland?

00:36:42.660 Al Borland.

00:36:43.520 That's who I look like with that fucking shirt on.

00:36:47.580 You look like Gal Borland, the dude that gets the gals on.

00:36:51.220 That's hysterical.

00:36:52.480 That was not exactly what I was going for.

00:36:54.380 And thank you for that insulting insult.

00:36:57.300 Yeah.

00:36:57.940 But, no, he seems like a good dude.

00:36:59.440 I just don't – actually, he looks better than me.

00:37:01.260 Fuck, what am I saying?

00:37:01.940 What the fuck, dude?

00:37:03.440 Yeah, screw him.

00:37:04.400 What's that in Playgirl magazine?

00:37:06.320 Look at him.

00:37:07.240 He's naked from the waist down with his dong out.

00:37:09.860 Yeah.

00:37:10.480 You don't get to see that anymore.

00:37:11.920 You know, like when they tell you what to wear.

00:37:14.140 I mean, they don't tell you, but they go, what are you going to wear?

00:37:15.940 And, of course, I'm not like a full girl going to the Oscars.

00:37:19.640 So, I go, I don't know.

00:37:20.640 So, it gets closer and they're like, show it so we can hold it up with the back.

00:37:24.260 I go, I don't give a shit, dude.

00:37:26.200 So, I get there and I have two outfits.

00:37:29.100 I have this – outfits is already bad enough.

00:37:31.220 Yeah.

00:37:31.440 I just said outfits.

00:37:32.180 So, I walk into the rack like Elton John, like –

00:37:35.560 A Nordstrom Rack?

00:37:36.920 No, just a rack of clothes.

00:37:38.220 Oh, yeah.

00:37:39.240 From Nordstrom Rack?

00:37:40.060 Yeah.

00:37:40.560 So, I go in there and I go, what about this?

00:37:42.260 Then I go out there.

00:37:42.820 That day and they're like, do you still not know?

00:37:44.440 And I go, I don't know.

00:37:45.200 And then I wear the shirt and then I go, I'm going to put – so, I just wore a shirt

00:37:51.500 and a coat that I wasn't supposed to wear.

00:37:52.780 Because, you know, and they go, you need a copy of that in case – I go, you think

00:37:59.140 I'm going to ruin this between shows?

00:38:01.320 And they're like, yeah.

00:38:02.300 So, I fell for that last time and then Nikki Glaser goes, oh, I have some dress from like

00:38:06.980 1930 and I go, well, don't you have to have a double?

00:38:09.960 She goes, fuck that.

00:38:10.940 I'm not going to – and I go, yeah, what am I doing?

00:38:12.800 Why am I taking fucking orders?

00:38:14.500 Wasting money on extra clothes too.

00:38:16.200 Yeah.

00:38:16.440 And all of mine are like one of a kind.

00:38:19.440 Oh, you can tell that's all that.

00:38:20.760 One of a kind flannel shirt.

00:38:23.340 That you can have in any Google search in two seconds.

00:38:26.600 But it was fun to do.

00:38:27.900 I'm glad it's out.

00:38:29.780 It's fun.

00:38:30.320 You know, some of the jokes I still do because they're longer now.

00:38:33.920 That's the funny thing is you do a joke and then it's a minute of your act and then

00:38:37.700 now it's a five-minute chunk.

00:38:39.800 I'm like, oh, but I did the beginning but now it's so much longer.

00:38:42.720 But I don't really care.

00:38:43.560 I like a couple of things I've done before because they really work and then I put in

00:38:47.700 new stuff and then it's just always in rotation of I'll pull something from the

00:38:52.740 old bag and then I'll have all this new shit.

00:38:55.520 So whatever.

00:38:56.560 Yeah.

00:38:57.000 That's kind of how I feel about it too.

00:38:58.300 Is that what you do?

00:38:58.480 What do you do?

00:38:58.940 Yeah.

00:38:59.100 It's like there's some bits I do because I know people want to hear them and there's

00:39:02.120 some people's favorites and it's like, well, I want to make sure I get that in for a

00:39:05.380 couple minutes.

00:39:06.120 A hundred percent.

00:39:06.420 If it's a big show.

00:39:07.700 I, cause you know, it's never like you do some bit that works and it doesn't work.

00:39:14.620 Like if it bombed and people are like, boo, like you did that before.

00:39:18.020 It's not like that.

00:39:19.200 They still work.

00:39:20.480 Yeah.

00:39:20.960 I just, yeah.

00:39:21.620 They want to see the new stuff too.

00:39:22.660 And sometimes when I go to people, if I saw you, I'd be like, I remember the first time

00:39:27.040 I saw you and stuff you were doing, I'd be like, oh, I hope he does this and this and

00:39:30.320 this because those are like my fun ones.

00:39:33.260 I want to tell someone and have them watch them.

00:39:35.220 Yeah.

00:39:35.840 And then, uh, sometimes I do that with comics and they don't do it.

00:39:38.760 And I go, I go, because sometimes, you know, by the fifth special, these people do, it's

00:39:44.600 just too watered down.

00:39:45.660 It's too hard to be that good in one year.

00:39:47.860 It's too hard.

00:39:48.600 You don't buff them out.

00:39:49.320 You need to really.

00:39:50.860 Dude, that's, I don't think you have to, I mean, it's like, I've known a special.

00:39:53.720 I'm thinking four years now.

00:39:55.020 Yeah.

00:39:55.260 You don't need it.

00:39:55.840 If we do it this year, it'd be four years, but also I've been on the same tour for years, but it's

00:39:59.060 like, there's so many places you can go.

00:40:00.700 It's like, I don't mind going to a town that has 30,000 people in it.

00:40:05.120 You know, it's like, you cannot do it and probably have a family and stuff like that.

00:40:09.300 And have pets you own or semi-owned God owns them.

00:40:12.020 As long as they have a 30,000 seat theater, then you can, but it's like, but if we can go

00:40:17.120 over there, I think I'd rather do it.

00:40:18.860 Yeah.

00:40:19.060 You're printing money.

00:40:20.360 Oh, David, that is not true.

00:40:21.840 If I had your money, I'd throw mine away.

00:40:23.360 Oh, dude, get out of here.

00:40:25.640 You just bought a new car, didn't you?

00:40:29.060 That's it.

00:40:31.100 You bought a car lot.

00:40:32.660 Yeah.

00:40:33.220 Yeah, dude.

00:40:33.920 I got a car.

00:40:34.780 Fuck yeah.

00:40:35.280 You see me buzzing around.

00:40:36.660 Did you just buy the original Joe Derrick car or no?

00:40:39.220 I did not.

00:40:40.240 It was 330 grand.

00:40:41.440 I didn't know it'd be that much.

00:40:42.560 Was it really?

00:40:43.280 Yeah.

00:40:43.560 I went at an auction.

00:40:44.420 Did you even look at, were you there on the auction?

00:40:46.020 Did you consider it?

00:40:46.320 No, but the guy DMed me and he said, hey, do you want to buy the old Joe Derrick?

00:40:52.020 I go, is it the fucking real one?

00:40:53.380 Because I do like cars and I don't have enough room for them, but I'm into it.

00:40:58.200 I'm like, I'm not going to drive the thing around.

00:40:59.660 I'd like to have it just to have it.

00:41:01.620 The director of Tommy Boy has a Tommy Boy car and I'm like, those are fun to have.

00:41:06.040 So I said, how much?

00:41:08.300 And he goes, I'm deciding between three and 500 grand.

00:41:11.760 I go, I'm sorry, what?

00:41:13.620 The fucking shitty one at the beginning of Joe Derrick?

00:41:15.480 It didn't even have a Hemi in it.

00:41:16.600 It was a fake pretend.

00:41:17.480 It was like an old, you know, Vega.

00:41:19.640 And we just put like, yeah, this thing.

00:41:23.080 Joe Derrick, 69 Charger Daytona.

00:41:25.020 It's fucking cool though.

00:41:26.500 Is he selling it for 450?

00:41:29.600 The 1969 Daytona presented here, starred in the $60 million grossing hit comedy,

00:41:34.240 The Adventures of Joe Dirt.

00:41:36.380 Fuck yeah.

00:41:37.060 What does that say up there?

00:41:37.800 450?

00:41:39.460 Can you read?

00:41:40.340 Yeah.

00:41:40.600 One of the funniest scenes depicts Joe Derrick at the impound lot,

00:41:42.600 financially unstable to retrieve his Mint 67 Plymouth Hemi GTX convertible.

00:41:45.900 Oh, he's buying the Charger Daytona instead.

00:41:48.000 You bought it for $450 in the movie, apparently.

00:41:51.880 Oh, $450?

00:41:53.100 In the movie, yeah.

00:41:53.700 Oh, I didn't see the movie.

00:41:54.900 Do we know the closing price on that?

00:41:56.880 Yeah.

00:41:57.280 He hit me up for three to 500 grand.

00:41:59.300 I go.

00:42:01.040 Can you live in it?

00:42:01.920 I was like, yeah.

00:42:03.240 Is this an RV?

00:42:04.040 How many square feet is it?

00:42:05.980 Is it in a good neighborhood?

00:42:08.000 No, I just said, I said, I think I said something to the effect of get fucked.

00:42:12.180 No, I was like, hey man, I didn't know it'd be like that.

00:42:15.260 I don't know if I have it.

00:42:15.960 Because, you know, in the real world, you got to make a million to clear $350.

00:42:21.080 So, I'm like, I don't know if I'm making a million this week.

00:42:24.200 So, I just said no.

00:42:25.560 Even though I said I'd really like it, I just, a little too rich for my blood right now.

00:42:30.200 Because I thought, what am I doing?

00:42:31.160 I just got to park it.

00:42:32.600 I can't really drive.

00:42:33.180 It's fun to have.

00:42:34.220 I'd really honestly have it in my fucking living room.

00:42:36.080 What a cool thing to have.

00:42:37.060 Just walk in.

00:42:37.860 Hey, this is the car from the movie.

00:42:39.540 And so, I didn't think he'd get close to that.

00:42:42.260 It sold for $330.

00:42:43.520 God.

00:42:43.980 Yeah.

00:42:44.620 To who?

00:42:44.940 Probably an Asian guy?

00:42:46.020 No, the guy had a Joder tattoo on his chest.

00:42:48.180 Oh.

00:42:48.700 And he was a full fucking fan.

00:42:50.720 So, he hit me up, the guy that bought it.

00:42:53.400 And so, now I've talked to him.

00:42:55.240 And what do you guys talk about?

00:42:56.240 I like these guys.

00:42:56.860 We just talk about pop music.

00:42:58.640 You're like, hey, go sit in and just turn it on for me.

00:43:00.760 I want to hear it.

00:43:01.080 No, I just go, I miss her, man.

00:43:02.700 I miss her.

00:43:03.520 Just put her on the phone.

00:43:04.940 He's like, mail me some semen.

00:43:06.320 And you're like, oh, I don't miss her that much.

00:43:08.280 No, I do that.

00:43:09.180 I'll do that.

00:43:09.620 I'll do that once.

00:43:10.960 Do you think, would you guys ever have done a Tommy Boy 2?

00:43:14.740 Do you think you and Farley ever would have done it?

00:43:16.280 I mean, Black Sheep was sort of the next summer and it was sort of the same type of movie.

00:43:25.600 We should have just kept it, Pete Siegel, and just done it again.

00:43:29.360 He couldn't, he wasn't available.

00:43:31.220 It just would have kept track of like kind of how it was.

00:43:34.020 But I did like Black Sheep.

00:43:36.060 We had another movie that we were talking about at the very end and it would have been great.

00:43:41.800 Yeah, I mean, would I have liked to have like a run and gun buddy to goof around?

00:43:45.860 He would have been all over the place.

00:43:48.460 He would have been working with everybody.

00:43:49.760 I mean, even at that point toward the end, because, you know, he's almost more famous now because everyone looks back.

00:43:54.940 But when you're in it and he's just getting famous, but still all the big hosts that would come in would like go right to him.

00:44:03.920 So he could have worked with anybody, big directors.

00:44:06.900 He could have done more drama.

00:44:09.160 He would have done a lot of stuff with Adam.

00:44:10.700 I mean, he loved Adam and always thought he was great.

00:44:14.100 So Sandler, you mean?

00:44:15.500 Yeah, yeah.

00:44:15.920 He was very tight with Adam.

00:44:17.140 And I was just lucky to be in a couple with him, but he would have been out there doing everything.

00:44:22.820 I remember when he was in Coneheads.

00:44:24.120 We all were in Coneheads.

00:44:24.820 Even Adam was in Coneheads.

00:44:26.640 And Lauren, it was sort of an assignment.

00:44:29.680 You know, we all, he was just like, you're going to play this.

00:44:32.300 And he just had plucked everyone.

00:44:34.820 There's probably 15 people messing out on it.

00:44:36.720 And somehow still didn't work that well, but I loved being in it.

00:44:41.600 And he was in it.

00:44:42.620 And he had a pretty big part.

00:44:43.580 And he was funny.

00:44:44.220 Look at him.

00:44:44.560 There he is.

00:44:44.980 Oh, he looks so handsome.

00:44:46.200 Did you get to keep the Cone from that?

00:44:48.620 No, but you know what?

00:44:50.140 It's, it, that will barely fit up your butt.

00:44:53.620 If you, she's really pretty, by the way.

00:44:57.100 That was Michelle Burke.

00:44:58.760 Is it?

00:44:59.560 This is after they took a photo of Farley and they take it so strong that he, it blows

00:45:03.620 his hair back or something.

00:45:04.920 Yeah, that's good.

00:45:05.600 Yeah, that's funny as shit.

00:45:06.760 But Akron, yeah, so that was a blast.

00:45:08.160 So I would say the answer is, would have loved to keep doing stuff.

00:45:13.000 And just have him around to hang out with.

00:45:15.080 Yeah, yeah.

00:45:15.700 Obviously to have him be alive.

00:45:17.320 But do you think that you would have been able to do a Tommy Boyce?

00:45:19.900 Yes, in these, all these scenarios, he's alive.

00:45:24.020 You're like, it'd be great.

00:45:24.840 No, if he's alive, you have to add that caveat.

00:45:27.340 If you had to do Tommy Boyce 2, what would the plot even have gone into, you think?

00:45:31.360 Tommy Boyce 2, Electric Boogaloo.

00:45:33.380 You know, there, I was pitched a Tommy Boyce 2, which was our kids are together and our kids

00:45:40.400 are, but this is, I was pitched it two years ago.

00:45:43.520 And I'm like, I just can't find a scenario with no Farley.

00:45:48.560 It's not, he was the whole movie.

00:45:50.700 Even if it has a good title, Tommy Boy's in the title, but it would be too much of a

00:45:55.440 sellout.

00:45:55.780 I can't imagine.

00:45:56.780 I mean, no one could do that.

00:45:58.960 Were they going to do it with C.J.

00:45:59.980 I used one of his brothers to do it, you think?

00:46:01.580 No, it was just like, it was his, it was our kids and it was about them.

00:46:05.920 And then I was going to come help them on the road or something.

00:46:08.000 But I go, if, listen, there's the magic in the bottle was, was Chris.

00:46:13.240 And so, uh, I had a good part.

00:46:16.120 I had a lot of fun in it, but it was about Christopher.

00:46:20.160 And so, uh, you know, yeah, if we did another one back then, it would have been a blast.

00:46:25.820 Yeah.

00:46:26.080 Yeah.

00:46:26.660 I wonder what it could have been about too.

00:46:28.060 Wow.

00:46:28.320 I don't know.

00:46:29.260 I don't, I never even thought that far.

00:46:31.220 Break pads are so funny.

00:46:33.120 There's endless jokes.

00:46:34.260 I mean, that movie, that's what I always say is that if we pitched the Tommy boy movie,

00:46:40.120 just like two guys selling break pads, it's just not enough to sell a movie.

00:46:45.480 People wouldn't listen now.

00:46:46.620 No, it's just not funny.

00:46:48.000 Maybe menstrual pads you could have gone to.

00:46:50.640 That's not a bad idea.

00:46:51.760 Yeah.

00:46:52.200 That we go sell them.

00:46:53.280 Stop the flow.

00:46:54.300 Yeah.

00:46:54.440 That's like things are getting out of hand.

00:46:55.620 Maybe women's lib was getting crazy.

00:46:57.220 Yeah.

00:46:57.400 And then he dresses like one in a parking lot.

00:46:59.860 He was like, okay, my mom the craziest.

00:47:01.760 And some big woman comes, he goes, let me try it out.

00:47:05.100 And then he's like, I've been having my period for 11 months straight.

00:47:08.360 These are, these are trailer moments.

00:47:11.260 That actually would have been hilarious.

00:47:14.260 More like, these are cut scenes from our possible movie.

00:47:18.820 Did you ever do a Farley impersonation or no?

00:47:21.060 Who are you?

00:47:23.180 He did this a lot, you know, which is funny.

00:47:26.020 You get nervous, David.

00:47:27.740 Then he goes like this, pulls on his hair when he's nervous.

00:47:31.060 Like in the meeting with the host,

00:47:32.800 he'd pull on the carpet.

00:47:35.200 And everyone's just like, even like,

00:47:37.320 that was just like some Michael Keaton going,

00:47:39.560 is this fucking dude okay?

00:47:40.900 Because they didn't really know him yet.

00:47:42.620 And he was so nervous about shit.

00:47:45.080 And always funny.

00:47:47.940 But he would always try to make you laugh.

00:47:50.320 Always try to do anything.

00:47:52.100 Fall down at work.

00:47:53.620 Do anything.

00:47:54.260 Oh, fall on the piano.

00:47:55.380 Just anything to get everyone to laugh.

00:47:57.440 Because also he was taken care of.

00:47:58.980 He wasn't writing sketches.

00:48:00.080 So he just was tra-la-la around the office.

00:48:02.640 There's no stress.

00:48:03.400 Because he's going to be in 18 things.

00:48:05.560 Everyone's going to write him in.

00:48:06.540 Oh, that's a good point, huh?

00:48:07.300 And if you write him in, like, that's the big trick at SNL.

00:48:10.240 You've got to get someone to write for you.

00:48:12.200 And I would get mad.

00:48:13.040 I'd go, you don't write for me enough.

00:48:13.980 They're like, what do you do?

00:48:14.740 And I'm like, you're right.

00:48:16.560 You just think, I'm great.

00:48:18.360 And then they go, wow.

00:48:20.220 There's no proof.

00:48:21.380 And I'm like, yeah.

00:48:22.040 So you have to kind of do a joke around the office or sort of thirsty, but do an impression

00:48:27.100 or something.

00:48:27.740 And someone goes, you should do something with that.

00:48:29.360 And then where they go, oh, you can do that?

00:48:31.880 Oh, we might put you in this because we need someone like that.

00:48:34.680 But mostly I was like smart alecky, stupid shit, because that's the only thing they saw.

00:48:40.480 And I wrote that Hollywood Minute where it was, I was making fun of everybody.

00:48:44.020 And that kind of was a good hook for me.

00:48:46.780 But it wasn't enough to be like super characters.

00:48:50.100 That really wasn't my thing.

00:48:52.040 I went with his brother to SNL.

00:48:53.540 Remember that?

00:48:54.180 Oh, that's right.

00:48:54.720 You hit me.

00:48:55.220 I think you connected us.

00:48:56.160 I was like, yeah, John.

00:48:58.460 John, yeah.

00:48:59.020 Johnny Farley.

00:48:59.640 And I was like.

00:48:59.900 And he hadn't been back, dude, since he hadn't been back since Chris was there.

00:49:04.920 Did he hit you up to go there?

00:49:06.300 Or did I tell you guys to go?

00:49:07.540 Or were you just in New York?

00:49:08.620 He took advantage of us, I think.

00:49:10.560 But whatever.

00:49:11.460 Oh, no.

00:49:11.760 I think you said to me, hey, he's going to be there.

00:49:15.580 Oh, yeah, I did.

00:49:16.260 So tell him hello.

00:49:17.060 But he hit you up to get him in there.

00:49:19.180 Can you make a call, Davey?

00:49:22.800 Yeah.

00:49:24.640 Don't tell Jen.

00:49:26.400 Yeah.

00:49:26.920 He was in the wrong Missy.

00:49:28.020 We put him in that.

00:49:28.780 He was in Benchwarmers.

00:49:31.140 He's funny in that.

00:49:32.560 Was it fun there for you?

00:49:34.060 You'd never been there, right?

00:49:34.920 I'd never been.

00:49:36.100 Yeah.

00:49:36.460 What was it like?

00:49:37.140 It was interesting to just see what you, the place you guys had all been at and what

00:49:40.500 kind of like.

00:49:41.000 There's photos everywhere.

00:49:41.880 Yeah.

00:49:42.300 Just what it was like.

00:49:43.340 Like, I think I pictured it more of like an old school type of dormitory vibe.

00:49:48.760 But our offices were up higher.

00:49:51.560 Oh, maybe it was up there.

00:49:53.280 We'd be there all week and then we'd just come down to the show.

00:49:55.460 But you might have to host it one day.

00:49:57.600 It was pretty interesting there.

00:49:59.160 Would you be able to handle it?

00:50:00.640 I don't know.

00:50:02.280 Depends on who the musical guest is, I guess.

00:50:04.100 Is that the whole thing?

00:50:05.100 Yeah.

00:50:05.400 What if it's fucking Jelly Pop, your buddy or whatever?

00:50:09.280 Remember?

00:50:10.420 Oh, yeah.

00:50:10.960 Jelly Roll?

00:50:11.480 Yeah.

00:50:11.700 He came over to us at Koi one time and said hi.

00:50:14.060 Oh, yeah.

00:50:14.720 Do you remember that?

00:50:16.320 Yeah.

00:50:16.660 I'm trying to think of what.

00:50:17.320 I said, hey, the bouncer's coming over.

00:50:19.080 He wants to talk to you.

00:50:20.200 Yeah.

00:50:20.660 He walks over.

00:50:21.360 There we are.

00:50:21.980 Yeah.

00:50:23.220 Oh, yeah.

00:50:23.680 I was like, what motorcycle did this guy, bro?

00:50:25.880 This guy.

00:50:26.760 Oh, did we park in front of you?

00:50:28.460 Yeah.

00:50:29.380 He was nice, dude.

00:50:30.400 He knew you from home.

00:50:31.140 Yeah.

00:50:31.280 Him and Bunny came over.

00:50:32.360 I remember that.

00:50:33.260 That was cool.

00:50:34.900 Dude, that was awesome.

00:50:36.200 That was like, I think he'd come out here to do Jimmy Kimmel or something.

00:50:38.840 It was like one of his first times being out here.

00:50:40.320 Right, right, right.

00:50:41.140 And then we saw Luke Bryan at dinner.

00:50:42.960 We see all your little goat roper buddies.

00:50:45.500 Dude, that was fun.

00:50:46.600 Yeah.

00:50:46.740 He came over.

00:50:47.860 That's when we used to have a good time, man.

00:50:49.260 Yeah.

00:50:49.620 What happened?

00:50:50.880 Now we're just grinding on the movie every day going, ugh.

00:50:53.840 I know.

00:50:54.300 Now we're just like, how do we fucking-

00:50:55.560 Tra-la-la.

00:50:57.220 Yeah, dude.

00:50:57.720 That was fun, huh?

00:50:59.320 I remember that.

00:51:00.240 I was excited.

00:51:01.160 Luke frickin' Bryan, remember that?

00:51:02.360 We took a picture with him, huh?

00:51:03.200 He sat down with us.

00:51:04.280 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:51:04.840 It was fun.

00:51:05.280 We're like, dude, what's comes in with you?

00:51:07.100 Yeah.

00:51:07.700 He had two bites of somebody's potatoes out.

00:51:09.460 No, we have fun.

00:51:10.200 We go to UFC and everyone knows.

00:51:11.780 I remember before you even blew up, so many people knew you at UFC.

00:51:16.260 I was like, holy shit, man.

00:51:17.400 These people know this clown.

00:51:18.660 I don't know about that.

00:51:19.740 There we are right there.

00:51:21.180 Look, my hair is quite puffy that day.

00:51:22.940 God, look how good.

00:51:24.080 You look definitely like one of those rich people's dogs.

00:51:29.500 I do.

00:51:30.220 For sure, dude.

00:51:32.100 Now I see why your mom has you come home a lot.

00:51:34.320 She's like, I need this little cute puff right here in my lap.

00:51:37.360 Dude.

00:51:39.940 Look at that.

00:51:40.440 My fucking sweater pops.

00:51:41.960 Don't even try to argue that.

00:51:42.980 Oh, that was a solid choice.

00:51:44.840 And there's Luke.

00:51:45.720 Looks like you just.

00:51:47.040 Fucking Luke.

00:51:47.760 He's like, that does look like me.

00:51:50.560 I'm a bit of a lap dog.

00:51:52.320 Yeah, you look like you spent time at NYU a little bit.

00:51:54.400 I'll fucking gnaw on a snossage.

00:51:56.980 Har, har, har.

00:51:59.600 Shit.

00:51:59.960 Yeah, look at you, dirt.

00:52:01.960 Oh, you're dumb.

00:52:03.560 Just like, how did I even get here?

00:52:04.780 What are we eating?

00:52:05.300 Fucking oysters?

00:52:06.120 Oh, my God.

00:52:07.820 Jeez, what a bunch of idiots.

00:52:09.200 Somebody ordered that little, when they put those little, when the shrimp, they put them

00:52:12.220 upstairs like they're about to commit suicide or whatever.

00:52:15.340 That little, it's like a little shrimp rack or whatever.

00:52:19.440 Yeah.

00:52:19.800 Like the second story shrimp.

00:52:21.080 They hide them all on the edge of, like they're trying to hide from, it's like, bitch, we see

00:52:24.200 you.

00:52:24.360 They're all naked though.

00:52:25.140 Look at those fucking shrimps.

00:52:26.560 They charge you by the shrimps, you know?

00:52:28.420 It's unreal in some place, it's $6.

00:52:30.180 That is the, that is the most expensive place, because I won't say the name, but the steak

00:52:35.020 sauce was seven bucks each.

00:52:36.480 You get a little thing like this of A1, and it's like, dish, dish, dish, seven, seven,

00:52:40.620 seven.

00:52:40.980 And then the bread was 15.

00:52:43.800 God.

00:52:44.040 I had fillet, I had fillet of sole, right?

00:52:46.000 I go, oh.

00:52:46.500 You had fillet of what?

00:52:49.900 Dude, don't you watch fishing shows?

00:52:51.600 You had fillet of?

00:52:52.960 Sole?

00:52:53.860 Sole?

00:52:55.180 Oh, how rich.

00:52:55.880 Can we pull it up, see if it's real?

00:52:57.340 You're eating human spirit in there?

00:52:59.240 No, fillet of, yeah.

00:53:01.760 That's rich.

00:53:02.480 Oh, shocking.

00:53:03.280 It checks out as a fish.

00:53:05.440 Yeah, that's what it looks like.

00:53:06.600 Anyway, it's kind of like carp.

00:53:08.680 No, I don't know what it's like.

00:53:09.400 So I get this, and they go, do you want the catch of the day?

00:53:13.100 And I know it's a rich place.

00:53:14.180 I go, don't try to rat fuck me, dudes.

00:53:16.140 I'm going to take this dog shit off the menu.

00:53:19.220 It says market price, but I go, fine.

00:53:21.920 I get it.

00:53:22.740 It's like leather.

00:53:23.900 It's kind of gross, you know, but fine.

00:53:26.540 150 bucks.

00:53:27.300 I go, I have never heard about fish being 150.

00:53:30.340 $150?

00:53:31.860 Yeah.

00:53:32.060 And you get the head and the tail, or they just give you the middle part?

00:53:34.580 No, you should.

00:53:35.920 That's crazy.

00:53:36.360 Could you come to my house and fucking clean my car?

00:53:38.660 Yeah.

00:53:38.900 Dude, that's crazy.

00:53:40.140 150 bucks for one piece of fish?

00:53:43.520 Unreal.

00:53:44.300 Yeah.

00:53:44.600 That would never fly in the Bible, dude.

00:53:46.160 No.

00:53:47.860 No.

00:53:48.560 What you do is, they have the fish with their mouth, I guess.

00:53:50.860 Yeah.

00:53:51.440 And something like this.

00:53:52.540 Oh, you're going to go to work for that 150.

00:53:54.440 And the fish is like.

00:53:56.740 Fish is like, I got teeth.

00:53:57.940 No, you do not.

00:53:58.620 Nice try.

00:53:59.600 Yeah.

00:54:00.780 Somebody's getting a little bit of tartar sauce on the inside, brother.

00:54:03.660 Gobble that goo.

00:54:04.720 Yeah.

00:54:05.680 It's not in the Bible either.

00:54:06.900 God.

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00:55:44.620 This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.

00:55:49.720 Mental health is, it's our new Vietnam, guys, really.

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00:56:56.920 So, whenever you pass away.

00:57:01.080 How do you remember to ask questions?

00:57:02.980 I always watch this thing and I'm like, I can't remember shit to talk to people about.

00:57:06.640 Dude, first of all, I'm a BLM advocate.

00:57:08.700 So, I get a lot of my stuff.

00:57:10.400 Oh, there's you on us now.

00:57:11.540 Who is that?

00:57:12.720 They're like, ladies and gentlemen, BLM.

00:57:15.040 And they're like, oh, is that the musical group?

00:57:18.640 Is that you all happy?

00:57:20.200 When were you that happy?

00:57:21.280 Never.

00:57:21.960 Fucking shit.

00:57:22.540 Is that AI?

00:57:23.480 Is that Tom Brady's teeth?

00:57:24.820 Oh, my God.

00:57:26.260 How did I get that?

00:57:26.980 I'll rent out advertising space on those fucking chompers.

00:57:30.160 Are those your teeth?

00:57:31.240 No, AI.

00:57:32.460 Ah, ha, ha.

00:57:33.580 That's G-A-I, dude.

00:57:35.260 That's horrible, bro.

00:57:37.020 That's G-A-Y, yeah.

00:57:38.820 The forums are nice, though.

00:57:40.980 I was about to say, your forums look good and they shaved you a little bit.

00:57:44.300 God.

00:57:44.800 Your whole body's shaved.

00:57:46.420 Well, it's going to be as soon as I get your shape.

00:57:49.760 No, you look good there.

00:57:50.920 Well, thanks.

00:57:51.520 Why can't you look more like AI?

00:57:53.260 Well.

00:57:53.660 Well, do you think, whenever you die, where do you want your body, where do you want your

00:57:57.500 ashes spread, do you think?

00:57:58.860 Oh, I was just talking about this.

00:58:01.840 No, I wasn't.

00:58:02.720 What are you going to do with them?

00:58:03.640 No, what do I do?

00:58:04.700 You're kind of a trickster.

00:58:06.440 No, I'm not going to do any tricks.

00:58:07.980 Really?

00:58:08.280 I don't want any weird stuff, yeah.

00:58:10.320 Let me get a couple grams of it.

00:58:12.140 You want a little bit?

00:58:13.000 Oh, if anybody needs money, I would let them sell them, you know, for whatever.

00:58:17.280 Oh, that's cool.

00:58:17.940 You could sell them here, part of your merch, if you want.

00:58:21.600 I could have Harper.

00:58:23.520 She could take them.

00:58:24.200 But I don't know.

00:58:24.640 It's two more, but I can't even think about this stuff.

00:58:26.040 I get scared.

00:58:28.980 I want my, what if they had like spade shades and we put them into some beautiful, beautiful

00:58:33.780 sunglasses?

00:58:34.800 Okay.

00:58:35.880 You know?

00:58:36.400 I'm pretty agreeable to everything, yeah.

00:58:38.140 Or how, like spades.

00:58:39.740 Spades, shades.

00:58:40.780 Yeah.

00:58:41.000 Okay.

00:58:41.580 Or, and they're interior shades, too, actually.

00:58:43.380 Oh, my God.

00:58:44.080 Okay.

00:58:44.460 Well, now we're getting somewhere.

00:58:45.680 Yeah.

00:58:46.480 And what, was there a story about something?

00:58:49.620 Ash's dog.

00:58:50.300 Oh, I'm on shot into a fucking schoolyard full of children.

00:58:53.960 No, you should put it in a t-shirt gun.

00:58:56.360 Yeah.

00:58:56.600 And take it to some bayou, horseshit, you know, Louisiana rodeo.

00:59:01.420 Snake rodeo.

00:59:02.420 Yeah.

00:59:03.740 Snake rodeo.

00:59:04.300 Is that like an orgy?

00:59:06.860 You call it an orgy?

00:59:08.260 No, wasn't there a story about some dog that ate someone's ashes or something?

00:59:11.760 Was there anything else?

00:59:12.760 There was some of the news that's happening about it, someone eating ashes.

00:59:15.160 We got that?

00:59:15.760 Did you hear that bullshit?

00:59:18.080 Look at this.

00:59:19.520 Shit.

00:59:20.400 Wait.

00:59:20.980 Oh, my God.

00:59:21.720 It's a Rolex.

00:59:22.740 Anyway.

00:59:23.480 Is that real?

00:59:25.320 No, the joke is like, I act like it's late.

00:59:27.940 I go, oh, shit.

00:59:28.740 It's a Rolex.

00:59:30.140 And I go like this.

00:59:31.000 What time is it?

00:59:34.160 Oh, wealth.

00:59:35.140 Yeah.

00:59:35.900 No, this is a real one, but it's the only one good thing I have.

00:59:38.780 I did get robbed at my house.

00:59:40.060 You shouldn't be flashing around.

00:59:41.920 Me toddler ate me ashes.

00:59:44.100 UK mom walked into an unthinkable situation where she found her one-year-old consuming her father's cremated remains.

00:59:49.580 And she even has video of the mortifying situation.

00:59:53.380 Aren't they?

00:59:55.960 They're not good.

00:59:56.960 They cannot taste good.

00:59:58.860 I don't know.

00:59:59.820 I guess if you mix them with something.

01:00:01.300 Volume.

01:00:01.840 Oh, my God.

01:00:02.640 When your son eats your dad.

01:00:04.280 Of course she films everything.

01:00:05.580 As ashes.

01:00:06.800 My son has eaten my dad's ashes.

01:00:10.440 He didn't have a lot.

01:00:11.820 That's the whole fucking story.

01:00:13.720 Dude, he only had a little bit.

01:00:15.780 He only had like the forearm and...

01:00:17.960 Yeah, dude.

01:00:20.460 That's nothing.

01:00:21.500 That's so grody.

01:00:22.720 That lady's complaining.

01:00:24.100 Yeah.

01:00:24.200 Also, the kid is a ginger, too.

01:00:26.900 Trouble.

01:00:27.700 Yeah.

01:00:28.560 So, something that you got to see coming.

01:00:29.840 Something that's on you.

01:00:31.420 Also, the lady immediately sold it to TMZ.

01:00:34.820 That's a great point, huh?

01:00:36.020 Yeah.

01:00:36.780 She probably served them up.

01:00:37.920 Everything's for sale nowadays, it seems like.

01:00:40.020 What other news stories we got, guys?

01:00:41.780 Anything popping off?

01:00:42.200 Yeah, give us some shit before Spade fucking has to boogie.

01:00:45.040 Spade looks pretty cool today.

01:00:46.540 Spade looks healthy today.

01:00:49.040 Let me get one of these hairs off of you.

01:00:50.480 Is there a hair?

01:00:51.140 Yeah, it's okay.

01:00:51.720 Here, you go with me.

01:00:52.900 Save it.

01:00:53.720 No, you know what I do?

01:00:54.760 Because if you weren't here, I fucking light it on fire in front of the other ones.

01:00:59.540 Yeah.

01:00:59.900 And I say, this is what happens when you try to fucking make a break for it.

01:01:03.000 Jump ship on me, motherfucker.

01:01:04.460 And then it burns and it floats down.

01:01:05.800 They all go, what the fuck?

01:01:07.080 And I go, yeah.

01:01:07.740 Yeah.

01:01:08.220 Might want to stick around.

01:01:09.720 Yeah.

01:01:10.180 You might want to see the final act.

01:01:11.600 Yeah, because they've...

01:01:13.220 It's hard to keep hair.

01:01:14.220 No, no, it's ridiculous and it's fucked up.

01:01:17.260 And our bodies can only hold so much hair.

01:01:19.980 Tiffany, you have raging boners.

01:01:21.880 What?

01:01:22.200 I'm sorry.

01:01:22.880 The guy, Brian Johnson, who's trying to live forever, he says that women also get their

01:01:28.160 version of Morning Wood.

01:01:29.360 Okay, let's see.

01:01:29.880 Who's Brian Johnson?

01:01:31.280 Let's take a look at him first.

01:01:32.020 Is he the guy that tries to live forever?

01:01:34.040 He's trying to be really old.

01:01:35.540 Is that him?

01:01:36.160 I'm not sure.

01:01:37.320 He also sings for ACDC.

01:01:38.800 That's Brian Johnson too.

01:01:39.760 Really?

01:01:39.880 That's a different one.

01:01:40.900 Lying in bed.

01:01:42.280 Just like Brian Johnson dead.

01:01:45.560 There he is.

01:01:47.800 Oh, there he is, huh?

01:01:49.540 First of all, I thought this was Matt Reif.

01:01:51.700 Is that his new special?

01:01:53.460 It's his new cologne.

01:01:55.200 Called fucking pig blood.

01:01:57.680 What is this guy injecting in his wiener this week?

01:02:00.760 I know.

01:02:01.200 I know.

01:02:01.540 That's the only thing.

01:02:02.520 This guy takes a lot of pills straight up the wee-wee.

01:02:05.340 Listen, I'm all for doing minimum $2 million worth of surgery on my face.

01:02:11.200 But just to do a light dusting and cleanup, this guy's like every day.

01:02:15.780 It's too much.

01:02:16.660 And girls find that out.

01:02:18.440 They don't want a dude that's spending their whole life to look six years younger.

01:02:21.900 It's crazy.

01:02:22.740 Yeah.

01:02:23.060 You don't want somebody who's in there sandblasting their fucking clavicles in the morning.

01:02:27.240 You can't even get any extra sleep.

01:02:29.060 Fucking sanding their nuts.

01:02:30.660 There's no wrinkles in them.

01:02:31.700 Just fucking mew, mew.

01:02:33.560 You got your wiener out in a belt sander.

01:02:38.460 Mew, mew.

01:02:40.920 Yeah, this guy's-

01:02:41.840 No rinks.

01:02:43.000 Yeah, see you wrinkle free.

01:02:44.700 I mean, I get it.

01:02:45.620 He wants to look.

01:02:46.240 We all do.

01:02:47.000 I'm falling apart.

01:02:47.980 Someone put on my comments the other day.

01:02:49.820 You got old fast, dude.

01:02:51.500 Oh, thanks, you fuck.

01:02:53.360 Oh, thanks.

01:02:54.560 Fly to your house and beat you with a fucking rock dick.

01:02:57.140 Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

01:02:58.120 I get really offended by the comments.

01:02:59.700 I'm like this.

01:03:01.660 It's just comments.

01:03:02.700 These people are losers.

01:03:04.660 So I tell myself, the guy goes, no way.

01:03:06.640 I'm a winner.

01:03:07.240 And I go, fuck, he's a winner and he's doing this?

01:03:11.240 Look at Spade.

01:03:12.300 That's a tough part.

01:03:13.460 Whoa.

01:03:13.880 That's me when I get all the surgery and you go, Spade, is that you?

01:03:17.320 JonBenet Pico-Gramsey, huh?

01:03:19.320 Fucking, look at those pecs though, dude.

01:03:22.260 Dude, what the fuck?

01:03:23.500 You better spend that money, David.

01:03:25.420 Yeah.

01:03:26.480 Why has he got Band-Aids on his finger?

01:03:28.140 What's wrong with this, dude?

01:03:29.360 And why has he got a half ounce of raspberry kum on him?

01:03:33.020 Splirt.

01:03:33.860 Oh, God.

01:03:34.540 How many times has he got to jerk off to get that?

01:03:36.680 Yeah, and can you wear the cheapest chain you got, fucking dude?

01:03:39.680 What the fuck?

01:03:39.860 Spending your money on the wrong shit.

01:03:42.440 Wow.

01:03:42.840 Is that a Neuralink necklace around his face?

01:03:45.360 Shave your chest, you fruitcake.

01:03:47.320 God, that guy's been eating his own nipples off, I bet.

01:03:50.080 Hey, you want some cherry fucking pie melted down?

01:03:53.640 Hey, nips.

01:03:54.900 Why would you push in on that?

01:03:56.600 God, those bitches are hard-boiled.

01:04:00.100 Those fucking window cutters.

01:04:03.560 Tic-tac-toe.

01:04:07.060 Dude, that's crazy.

01:04:09.240 I don't know.

01:04:09.540 How long would you want to be alive, you think?

01:04:12.400 I don't.

01:04:12.720 Be honest.

01:04:14.760 I mean, I like it now.

01:04:17.380 I'm a little beat up around the edges.

01:04:19.020 I had a rough, I had a rough upbringing.

01:04:21.460 But you got, if you get in a sauna for two days, you'll be bouncing right back.

01:04:24.600 You think so?

01:04:25.220 100%.

01:04:25.580 A sauna?

01:04:26.900 Yeah.

01:04:27.840 You would not let me in your sauna.

01:04:29.800 Oh, it is a good point, huh?

01:04:32.020 You didn't want to get into it.

01:04:33.280 They had the ice bath, too.

01:04:34.400 I know.

01:04:35.480 Okay, now here's this guy fighting gun.

01:04:36.800 That thing kept me going, though.

01:04:38.140 Oh, yeah, on the movie?

01:04:39.300 Yeah.

01:04:39.780 No, honestly, whatever it takes.

01:04:42.020 I was telling you beforehand, you're tougher than me, but movies are fucking tough.

01:04:46.680 They're tough mentally, they're tough physically, and it's just a

01:04:49.000 fucking grind.

01:04:50.020 You have no life.

01:04:51.120 You get up at dark, you go in, every day is a problem.

01:04:54.600 Like, we don't have this, this car doesn't work.

01:04:56.540 Remember the cars weren't starting?

01:04:57.980 We're like-

01:04:58.140 Dude, the cars, we had to push the cars into every shop.

01:05:00.900 Every car we had, we're like, did you want it to start?

01:05:03.560 I go, yeah, you have to drive into the scene.

01:05:06.260 Okay, you got to tell us this up front, guys.

01:05:08.340 I go, I have to tell you a car should start.

01:05:10.900 Well, it was low budget, but it's still, I mean, we make everything look as good as

01:05:16.240 we can.

01:05:16.920 Listen, Napoleon Dynamite was low budget, it's hilarious.

01:05:19.360 So, it's just about where you use the money, it's really just about me and you, and it's

01:05:23.840 just about being funny, so you don't need too much in the background.

01:05:27.340 But it was like, we got two brothers right here that'll push it for like 80 bucks, and

01:05:30.400 we're like, what?

01:05:31.560 We're like, 60, okay.

01:05:33.480 Yeah, I was like, I don't care if they're related or not.

01:05:35.400 I'm like, just, we're like, well, we have two guys that aren't related that'll do it

01:05:39.360 for 120, and I'm like, what?

01:05:40.320 No, no, bring the brothers back.

01:05:41.880 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:05:42.680 That's how it was, like pushing cars into scenes, and then, but I thought overall, super

01:05:49.440 fun, glad to do it, and excited for the final product.

01:05:53.940 Yeah, thanks for doing it, man.

01:05:55.080 For sure.

01:05:55.620 It was definitely really interesting to get to do.

01:05:58.080 I can't even, it just, yeah, you learn so much stuff, you're like, Jesus.

01:06:01.780 Well, I haven't really done a comedy team movie since, I think, Black Sheep and

01:06:04.840 that, because it's like, growing up, there's five of us, Wrong Missy was me and

01:06:10.580 Lauren, and she was great.

01:06:12.700 It wasn't really a comedy, she was like, all the jokes, I was just reacting, which

01:06:15.980 is important, but it was sort of her thing, so it was fun to go back and forth, and

01:06:21.500 on the set, when thinking of jokes and stuff, that's the fun part.

01:06:24.780 Those are the fun parts of movies, like, once we're in it, and we're doing the

01:06:27.640 scenes, and laughing, then it's fun, you know?

01:06:30.280 The rest of it's tough.

01:06:31.580 Yeah.

01:06:32.400 God, could we cry?

01:06:33.340 Could I cry?

01:06:34.000 I'm not crying about the movie.

01:06:35.380 It's fun.

01:06:36.560 No, dude, we're just talking.

01:06:37.520 I cry about everything.

01:06:38.180 I cry about the driving, I'm like, ugh.

01:06:40.840 Yeah.

01:06:41.340 We have to give a soft spot in your heart for everything.

01:06:45.380 Yeah.

01:06:46.440 For having to do stuff, yeah.

01:06:48.160 It's just definitely, man.

01:06:49.380 It's life.

01:06:50.260 We're being alive.

01:06:51.040 No, dude, we're just talking about it.

01:06:52.260 It's fucking life.

01:06:53.120 Yeah, life.

01:06:53.620 Everything isn't like, I think people don't think that everything is just complete magic

01:06:57.940 or whatever, you know?

01:06:59.340 Right.

01:06:59.560 I mean, the bottom line is, it's funny when you watch a movie, any movie you see, you go,

01:07:04.320 you don't think about how long, how much shit it took.

01:07:06.640 You just go, funny or not, that's all.

01:07:08.600 Especially when you start watching a movie, and you're like, this movie fucking sucks, and

01:07:10.960 then they're like, and then you don't even think, you're like, these fucking idiots got

01:07:16.280 together every day and made it.

01:07:18.080 That even closed your fucking mind.

01:07:18.940 They worked hard.

01:07:19.800 This is some rewrite they loved, and fucking bomb.

01:07:22.980 Yeah.

01:07:23.160 Yeah, when I go to movies, I used to sit through everything, because I love comedy, I love movies,

01:07:27.040 and then about five years ago, I started to walk out of movies, and it's very hard.

01:07:31.340 I think attention span and everything, where I'm like, or I kind of know where it's going,

01:07:35.300 and I'm like, if there's not enough tricks here, I gotta go.

01:07:39.800 Yeah, if there's not a good bit of fucking in them, I'm out.

01:07:43.820 If nothing else, someone start fucking someone.

01:07:46.860 Yeah.

01:07:47.140 Or I'm fucking out.

01:07:47.920 At least, dude, yeah.

01:07:49.400 Minimum.

01:07:50.680 Even if it's animals, I'll watch that.

01:07:52.620 Listen, how am I watching that when I know I have stepbrother porn on my phone, if I need it?

01:07:58.440 Hey, yeah, dude.

01:07:59.480 I don't need a DNA test to watch that.

01:08:01.680 You know what I'm saying?

01:08:02.560 You know, in stepbrother porn, I'll tell you, and then I gotta get out of here.

01:08:04.520 Yeah, tell me about one of your favorite things about it.

01:08:06.020 I have one more.

01:08:07.040 Oh, is this a thing?

01:08:07.740 Oh, sperm racing.

01:08:09.040 That's not, is that true?

01:08:10.400 Sperm racing, a new sport.

01:08:11.580 That's KTLA 5, yeah.

01:08:13.520 Sperm racing, a new sport has come to Los Angeles.

01:08:15.200 You read that right.

01:08:15.780 A startup recently announced the launch of the world's first live sperm race.

01:08:19.800 You'll be able to watch its inaugural edition.

01:08:21.940 Wait, does everyone get a microscope?

01:08:23.600 Right here in Los Angeles.

01:08:24.780 I don't know.

01:08:25.860 Let me see.

01:08:26.260 The startup known simply as sperm racing raised a million dollars in support of their efforts

01:08:30.780 to put on the world's first sperm race.

01:08:32.900 I like that you read it so fast.

01:08:33.820 I'm not even understanding.

01:08:34.800 No, fertility is declining.

01:08:38.220 So what happens?

01:08:39.960 Just let's say I'm in fifth grade.

01:08:41.680 Okay.

01:08:42.300 You get a boner.

01:08:43.960 I'm trying to explain to a fifth grader.

01:08:45.640 Why would I?

01:08:47.420 Well, son.

01:08:48.360 Oh, look at the chart.

01:08:49.660 That really helps me.

01:08:50.500 So now if you're jerking off, you just tell your dad, I'm staying competitive out here.

01:08:54.560 Now you might be wondering how exactly a sperm race works.

01:08:57.380 Well, the founders laid it out.

01:08:58.800 First, a microscopic racetrack for the two sperm samples to compete on will be constructed.

01:09:03.880 The course mimics reproductive system and includes chemical signals, fluid dynamics, and synchronized starts.

01:09:09.380 Is this for the next Olympics?

01:09:10.800 What are we doing?

01:09:11.320 Thank God, dude.

01:09:12.020 I don't know because I'm tired of just jerking off and nobody wins.

01:09:15.420 How about this?

01:09:15.940 I'll get the fucking high jump and that's about it.

01:09:18.100 Yeah.

01:09:18.340 Good dish.

01:09:19.880 Okay.

01:09:21.720 Flop it over.

01:09:23.080 Yeah.

01:09:23.360 No, I don't even whack off.

01:09:24.260 Mine's more like – it looks like a couple guys just rolling out of a sleeping bag these days.

01:09:29.860 I like the last scene of some dude in this scene.

01:09:34.060 He goes, yeah, and then it's like – one cc like this.

01:09:38.960 The guy's like, oh, yeah, he missed a good batch.

01:09:41.260 Oh, I'm freaking – dude, I'm working with an eyedropper these days.

01:09:44.480 That's for sure.

01:09:46.540 The girl's like this.

01:09:47.580 And they're like, oh, there it is.

01:09:51.060 Got it.

01:09:52.600 No, sperm races.

01:09:53.700 Yeah, let's look forward to that in 2028.

01:09:55.760 Gavin Newsom, Olympics.

01:09:57.080 First sperm to cross the finish line wins.

01:09:59.420 That's pretty much it.

01:10:00.940 One more news topic before you go, David.

01:10:02.680 Yeah, the two guys that play lose.

01:10:05.780 Yeah, dude, that's true.

01:10:06.740 The two guys that play it.

01:10:08.460 I like on the side.

01:10:09.220 What do you think?

01:10:10.020 Last one, no opinion.

01:10:12.640 Okay, GA, Georgia?

01:10:13.920 Yeah, Georgia 9-11 caller here is dispatcher ordering McGriddle during emergency call.

01:10:18.620 Oh, I hate this kind of stuff.

01:10:22.280 I'd say when the lines get crossed or whatever.

01:10:24.100 You ever do that?

01:10:25.520 What do you mean?

01:10:26.080 Oh, like a party line?

01:10:27.040 Oh, when I was a kid.

01:10:27.840 Yeah, like when I was a kid or whatever.

01:10:29.400 Party lines, yeah.

01:10:29.740 You'd be talking to your friend, and then it would cross over, and you'd just have some

01:10:33.520 big guy's voice.

01:10:34.440 It's like, these f***s are going to die.

01:10:36.500 You're like, who was that?

01:10:37.800 Talking to him?

01:10:38.360 Yeah, yeah.

01:10:38.780 And you go.

01:10:39.000 That's a line you've never even heard the voice before, like the line would get crossed.

01:10:42.000 And it's your stepdad.

01:10:43.100 Yeah.

01:10:44.180 Yeah.

01:10:46.880 No, I want to hear more about the McGriddle.

01:10:48.740 What about on Instagram when they show cars doing donuts, and they always hit somebody?

01:10:52.700 Oh, yeah.

01:10:53.240 They go, street takeover, and everyone's like, yeah.

01:10:56.180 I'm like, everyone gets hit.

01:10:58.300 You guys get at this point?

01:10:59.520 These aren't professionals.

01:11:00.420 Get out the way.

01:11:01.440 Yeah, get out the way.

01:11:02.580 A 9-1-1 caller in Chatham County, Georgia, had a very hard time getting through to dispatchers

01:11:07.260 when he thought someone was breaking in his home.

01:11:08.740 Chatham County problem.

01:11:10.320 Just some good old breakfast.

01:11:12.420 When he finally did get through, he said the dispatcher was ordering breakfast.

01:11:17.560 My wife called me.

01:11:18.760 Oh, we got a live report.

01:11:20.140 Go ahead.

01:11:20.400 Let's see it.

01:11:22.640 A 9-1-1 call from earlier this year after the dispatcher was ordering breakfast.

01:11:27.860 Look at that statement.

01:11:29.160 Uh-huh.

01:11:29.180 Hey, Grittle.

01:11:30.580 Uh-huh.

01:11:32.660 Wait.

01:11:34.040 The dispatcher.

01:11:34.900 So the person getting the call.

01:11:36.880 It was in February.

01:11:37.780 Dylan.

01:11:38.380 Here we go.

01:11:38.940 Let's hear more from this course.

01:11:40.060 Boston was concerned about someone snooping around his home in the Savannah area.

01:11:43.520 He called the non-emergency line first and then called 9-1-1 three times.

01:11:48.400 After finally getting an answer, he was shocked by what he heard during the call.

01:11:52.580 If it didn't happen to me, I wouldn't believe that it happened to someone else.

01:11:56.120 That's how unbelievable it really is.

01:11:57.700 It says about Theo Vaughn fan.

01:11:59.340 The report on that call is complete.

01:12:00.820 The findings will then be given.

01:12:02.720 That lady looks like her mom a little spade.

01:12:05.220 She looks like a reptilian.

01:12:06.560 Yeah, never mind.

01:12:07.300 Your mom looks like a baby.

01:12:07.980 No, my mom's hot.

01:12:09.680 My mom got her knee replaced.

01:12:11.720 Did she?

01:12:12.280 Yeah.

01:12:12.560 You haven't said shit about it.

01:12:14.480 She might want you to call her.

01:12:16.300 Oh, definitely, dude.

01:12:17.680 She's so excited.

01:12:18.520 Oh, where's the movie?

01:12:20.480 That's what she said?

01:12:21.100 Yeah.

01:12:21.520 Oh, is it fun?

01:12:22.900 It's going to be funny.

01:12:23.680 I can tell.

01:12:24.900 It just sounds fun.

01:12:26.740 She's very positive.

01:12:27.560 Yeah, she's very positive.

01:12:28.580 She is?

01:12:29.140 Busboy sounds fun, yeah.

01:12:30.800 Oh, yeah.

01:12:31.420 Dude, I was a busboy for fucking how long were you a busboy for?

01:12:34.020 Probably two years.

01:12:35.480 I was the worst.

01:12:36.680 That's it?

01:12:38.120 Theo.

01:12:38.640 Dude, you told me you were a busboy for a long time.

01:12:40.020 I was a dishwasher for a year.

01:12:42.020 Then busboy, then busboy, then valet parker.

01:12:44.340 No, I would be longer except I got fired over and over.

01:12:48.220 Dude, she does that.

01:12:49.120 It does look like the lady.

01:12:49.940 Your mom, dude, your mom likes jade.

01:12:51.380 So does my mom.

01:12:52.840 Oh, jade?

01:12:53.520 Oh, that's turquoise.

01:12:54.280 But she wears a lot of jade and she wears a lot of turquoise.

01:12:56.020 Oh, yeah.

01:12:56.680 Turquoise, dude.

01:12:57.280 Desert jade.

01:12:58.160 Yeah.

01:12:58.740 No, she loves it.

01:12:59.520 That sand jade, they call it, you know, in some circles.

01:13:02.140 Look at me with makeup on.

01:13:04.320 God.

01:13:06.040 Does your mom have a good sense of humor?

01:13:07.360 She's the best.

01:13:08.200 Yeah, she's hysterical.

01:13:09.580 My mom looks like Willie Nelson.

01:13:10.680 Bring up a picture of her.

01:13:12.880 Bring up real Willie.

01:13:13.540 But she's awesome, too.

01:13:14.880 Absolutely.

01:13:15.700 Does your mom like me?

01:13:16.900 She loves you.

01:13:17.620 Does she really?

01:13:18.500 She would way rather have you.

01:13:20.740 Look at cute.

01:13:21.640 Is that you in a bandana?

01:13:22.960 There's my mom right there.

01:13:23.980 Oh, where were you guys?

01:13:25.000 Maybe I would have loved you.

01:13:26.340 Maybe I didn't love you.

01:13:30.240 What if she took off a mask and it was Bobby Lee the whole time?

01:13:33.980 You were always.

01:13:35.560 You're always on my mom.

01:13:37.360 I love Elvis and Willie is great.

01:13:40.060 My mom's favorite person is Willie, favorite performer.

01:13:42.380 You're lying.

01:13:43.220 I swear to God.

01:13:43.680 That's my mom's favorite, dude.

01:13:45.000 Look at him.

01:13:45.980 Look at him.

01:13:46.420 She goes, oh, he's sexy.

01:13:47.840 I don't care about the wrinkles.

01:13:48.800 He is sexy.

01:13:49.640 He's so good.

01:13:50.360 Yeah.

01:13:50.940 Talent.

01:13:51.680 Oh, my mom says I'd like to climb up those braids and get into them.

01:13:54.480 Your mom's got a side pony going.

01:13:56.360 Yeah, she rocks it.

01:13:57.260 Where are you guys?

01:13:58.000 Which Waffle House is that?

01:14:00.480 That's one of the, actually, that was ranked one of the top 600 Waffle Houses.

01:14:03.740 She's like, you're so rich.

01:14:05.260 Where are you taking me?

01:14:05.920 You're like, oh, pulling a Waffle House.

01:14:07.800 Oh, you want to go somewhere else?

01:14:08.980 Beep, beep.

01:14:10.800 She's like, no, we can have the buck 99 special.

01:14:13.560 You're like, mom, I just feel like it's your most comfortable here.

01:14:17.120 Dude, she likes it.

01:14:18.120 Ever since RFK Jr. cleaned up some of their feeding patterns over there.

01:14:22.160 Do you have syrup?

01:14:24.940 That was overheard.

01:14:26.480 We're going to start using owl piss.

01:14:29.840 Yeah.

01:14:31.120 Did you hear about the guy that tried to piss in his pool or something?

01:14:34.200 No, some guy was leaving piss somewhere and they hit him with a hammer.

01:14:36.680 What was that article I saw with that hammer, dude?

01:14:38.840 I don't know if that's the whole story.

01:14:39.860 What was that article I saw with the hammer, dude?

01:14:41.700 Oh, my God.

01:14:42.440 This is the last one.

01:14:43.280 Ready?

01:14:44.020 Lot of pee.

01:14:45.860 Man has no idea who's putting gallons of urine in his recycling bin.

01:14:49.540 We should have started with this and I like this one.

01:14:51.340 Or why?

01:14:51.760 It's a lot of pee.

01:14:52.420 A man has no idea who's putting gallons of urine in his recycling bin or why?

01:14:55.920 Oy, big-ass, big-ass, big-ass, big-ass, big-ass.

01:14:57.820 Dude, it's Kappa Sig.

01:14:59.200 That's who's doing it.

01:14:59.780 Dude, I'll tell you.

01:15:01.500 This guy also is on Instagram trying to fill his pool with piss.

01:15:06.680 Himself, and it's been a year and it's not that much, and I can tell you it's going

01:15:11.380 to take him longer.

01:15:12.400 I figured out, Dane and I, on our podcast, figured out if you try to piss to fill up

01:15:17.580 the Grand Canyon, if every person did it once a day, it would take 800 years.

01:15:22.720 Isn't that crazy?

01:15:23.820 It's not that long.

01:15:24.920 That sounds like a lie, but it isn't that long.

01:15:27.380 But the Grand Canyon is bigger than you think.

01:15:29.420 Dude, remember when your parents left you at the Grand Canyon?

01:15:31.460 Oh, no, I don't even bring that up.

01:15:32.820 It's such a sore sub.

01:15:35.960 Just glad to see when your mom is happy again.

01:15:39.480 You don't know, maybe, Joder's parents, they were maybe doing it as a favor for some reason.

01:15:46.360 We haven't thought of that.

01:15:48.120 TBD, dude.

01:15:48.500 It's a little late to be thinking about the plot.

01:15:52.180 Dude, the best thing was that we got to sing The Beatles, though.

01:15:55.080 That was the best thing, I think.

01:15:56.060 Where was that?

01:15:56.540 Probably on Busboys, on the movie.

01:16:00.040 We did?

01:16:01.180 Yeah.

01:16:01.640 What did we sing?

01:16:02.360 Anytime.

01:16:02.760 We got to sing it, remember?

01:16:03.680 Oh, we'd sing...

01:16:05.540 Abbey Road.

01:16:06.660 Off camera.

01:16:07.360 Yeah.

01:16:07.720 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:16:08.740 I fucking love The Beatles.

01:16:10.200 Oh, I love The Beatles.

01:16:12.380 McCartney, The Beatle, I love it all, man, dude.

01:16:14.260 Yeah.

01:16:14.860 Yeah.

01:16:15.600 All right.

01:16:16.200 Well, I got to let you go.

01:16:17.520 All right.

01:16:18.660 I'm going to stick around for a little bit, but I'm going to let you take off.

01:16:22.120 No, but thanks for having me.

01:16:23.960 Miss you.

01:16:24.660 Dandelion out now or coming out in the next day or two.

01:16:29.400 Check it out.

01:16:30.180 Yep.

01:16:30.560 May 6th, Amazon.

01:16:33.140 And check it out.

01:16:34.740 Smash that button.

01:16:35.900 Whatever you're supposed to do.

01:16:36.960 I don't know.

01:16:37.080 Hit that like and subscribe button.

01:16:38.280 Yeah, whatever it is.

01:16:39.140 You guys, one of the greats.

01:16:42.260 Yeah.

01:16:42.400 One of the funniest people I've ever met, man.

01:16:44.080 I feel lucky to be able to know you, and I really feel lucky that you came over today,

01:16:47.460 man.

01:16:47.740 Just thanks for making us laugh, dude.

01:16:49.540 I love it, dude.

01:16:50.120 You always crack me up.

01:16:51.040 All right, guys.

01:16:52.800 See you out there.

01:16:53.660 Now, I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

01:16:59.640 I must be cornerstone.

01:17:04.960 Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.

01:17:10.260 I can feel it in my bones, but it's gonna take a little bit.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - May 06, 2025

#580 - David Spade

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