This Past Weekend with Theo Von - E565 Bert Kreischer

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00:00:30.000 I have some new tour dates to tell you about.

00:00:31.540 I'll be in Chicago, Illinois on April 24th at the Wynn Trust Arena.

00:00:37.200 Fort Wayne, Indiana on April 26th at the Allen County War Memorial Coliseum.

00:00:43.280 And Miami, Florida on May 10th at the Kaseya Center.

00:00:48.400 All tickets at Theovahn.com slash T-O-U-R.

00:00:53.500 Today's guest is a stand-up comedian, a podcaster, an actor.

00:00:57.480 You know him from his shows, Burt Cast and Two Bears, One Cave with Tom Segura.

00:01:04.700 He's got a new special coming out on Netflix called Lucky, which premieres March 18th.

00:01:09.960 I'm grateful to have my friend, The Machine, here today, Mr. Burt Kreischer.

00:01:18.940 Shine on me.

00:01:23.160 And I will find a song.

00:01:26.440 I've been singing just before.

00:01:28.940 There's a woman out there teaching her kid how to ride a bike.

00:01:38.320 No.

00:01:38.820 I could do it in five minutes.

00:01:40.160 You want to do it?

00:01:40.920 My buddy, it's part of my, what I'm working on in therapy.

00:01:45.120 Really?

00:01:45.580 Let people have their own thing.

00:01:46.980 Oh.

00:01:47.700 Yeah.

00:01:48.140 And I get my fingers in everything.

00:01:50.300 And I just was like, hey, here's what we do.

00:01:52.200 We take off the pedals, okay?

00:01:53.860 And you teach him to just glide with his feet and lift his feet up.

00:01:57.040 That's how I did it with both my girls.

00:01:58.340 Then we go to a subtle decline.

00:02:00.220 And we do it that way with feet up the whole way.

00:02:02.400 Then we put the pedals back on and teach him how to pedal.

00:02:04.400 So easy.

00:02:05.480 Yeah.

00:02:06.740 Yeah.

00:02:07.180 Riding a bike, the toughest thing I remember.

00:02:08.960 Well, first, some guy who's teaching, you don't know him usually.

00:02:12.140 In my neighborhood, you didn't know him.

00:02:13.340 It was like some dude's dad would be out there drinking or something.

00:02:16.180 He's like, I'll teach this little guy.

00:02:17.700 Whatever, you know.

00:02:18.900 You're like, well, that's not.

00:02:20.860 That's a whole.

00:02:21.480 That's not how it works at all.

00:02:23.100 Well, yeah.

00:02:23.540 Usually you definitely know the guy.

00:02:25.220 Well, yeah.

00:02:25.600 But, yes.

00:02:26.180 But a lot of times you also don't know.

00:02:27.960 Some places you don't know the guy, right?

00:02:29.860 Or if your dad isn't there or whatever.

00:02:31.340 So there's some guy who sets his beard down.

00:02:33.820 He's like, I'll teach this little motherfucker.

00:02:35.760 I almost did that out front.

00:02:37.100 Yeah.

00:02:37.500 Yeah.

00:02:37.860 Okay.

00:02:38.160 That makes sense.

00:02:38.720 That tracks.

00:02:39.140 Yeah.

00:02:39.700 So then that guy.

00:02:41.360 So now suddenly there's some guy teaching you don't even know or whatever.

00:02:44.600 And then they get you going, right?

00:02:47.500 And that part's good.

00:02:48.420 But the scary part is then you realize you have to steer.

00:02:51.140 And that's where a lot of people just bank right into the fence.

00:02:54.460 You have to do two things twice.

00:02:55.320 You have to pedal and steer.

00:02:57.120 Yeah.

00:02:57.360 And it's counterintuitive.

00:02:59.420 My daughter, Isla, the first time I taught her how to ride a bike, I got her going.

00:03:04.720 Pedals off, gliding.

00:03:06.720 Pedals back on.

00:03:07.900 Here we go.

00:03:08.940 And boom, hit a BMW.

00:03:10.460 Hard as shit.

00:03:11.180 Over the handlebars.

00:03:12.540 Body mark on top of the hood.

00:03:14.200 And I was like, God.

00:03:15.540 So then she goes, I'm good, dad.

00:03:17.940 Second time we get her, she hits a trash can.

00:03:19.840 Right away.

00:03:20.360 I'm like, God dang.

00:03:21.560 And then third time she hit a fire hydrant and then we realized she needed glasses.

00:03:25.500 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:03:26.840 Yeah, we got her to get her glasses.

00:03:28.220 Yeah, at that point.

00:03:28.940 Okay, she's dyslexic too.

00:03:30.460 She hits so much shit.

00:03:31.740 We got a video of her.

00:03:33.620 That kid has been, are we rolling?

00:03:35.380 Are we good?

00:03:35.940 Huh?

00:03:36.340 I don't know.

00:03:36.680 Are we?

00:03:37.020 No, we're good.

00:03:37.460 Okay.

00:03:38.360 That kid rolled the dice on life so much.

00:03:41.140 So much.

00:03:42.260 Do you know the feeling of when you cut your bike front tire and it goes like this?

00:03:47.140 Yes.

00:03:47.580 She would do that.

00:03:48.700 That's how she rode a bike.

00:03:49.620 She liked her stomach to drop.

00:03:51.720 So she'd go, and Georgia had a GoPro on her helmet and Isla did it and then went over

00:03:57.380 the handlebars.

00:03:58.240 And this is the cutest video.

00:03:59.400 Georgia looked at me and goes, dad, I got it.

00:04:02.460 Capture the footage?

00:04:03.640 Yeah, it was great.

00:04:04.500 Wow, you guys are a footage family.

00:04:05.900 You've always been kind of a footage family then.

00:04:08.080 Yeah, but it was before content really.

00:04:11.320 Right.

00:04:11.560 I got an Instagram, not for professional reasons.

00:04:16.880 I got an Instagram to keep up with people I knew in high school and college.

00:04:20.860 And then you're like, oh, in comics, cool.

00:04:22.560 No one was posting videos of like promo videos.

00:04:25.240 No.

00:04:25.820 And then I shared everything about my family on everything.

00:04:29.400 I remember the first time I realized maybe I was oversharing is I posted our Christmas

00:04:34.260 card on Instagram.

00:04:36.320 And someone hit me up, a guy we both know that we respect hit me up.

00:04:39.120 And he was like, dude, what are you doing?

00:04:40.580 And it got like a million likes.

00:04:42.120 And I was like, you know, I don't know, you get addicted to the likes.

00:04:45.100 You're like, no, you fucking killed it.

00:04:47.180 And then you don't realize your kids, all their friends see that.

00:04:49.780 And then you're putting, you're taking toothpaste out of the tube that you never put back in.

00:04:53.860 But that was, we were creating content not knowing what we were doing.

00:04:57.580 Oh, I see what you were saying.

00:04:58.480 Like maybe you were putting things that might have been too personal out there, you mean?

00:05:01.100 Way too personal.

00:05:01.680 Yeah.

00:05:01.980 I mean, I talked about Isla's period on one of my specials.

00:05:04.500 Ooh.

00:05:05.120 Yeah.

00:05:05.300 And you weren't there for the first period or whatever, were you?

00:05:07.420 Yeah, I was.

00:05:07.840 Oh, my God.

00:05:08.980 Dude.

00:05:09.360 And you didn't like candles or whatever, huh?

00:05:11.460 Yeah, we did.

00:05:13.540 Hang on.

00:05:14.400 Yeah.

00:05:15.320 Dude, as a comic, okay, certain things happen to us where we go, that's too good.

00:05:20.900 That's got to go on stage.

00:05:21.960 Like something happens and you're like this.

00:05:23.640 Oh, yeah.

00:05:24.120 It's like, I just, it's a, I don't know if it's like a, I don't know, like if it's a

00:05:28.560 neediness or whatever it is, but she got her period.

00:05:32.040 And I mean, I talked about it on special, but she called me from school and she's like,

00:05:34.320 yo, it happened.

00:05:35.440 I was like, yeah.

00:05:36.280 She's like, I go, what do you need?

00:05:37.240 Like new socks or like just, she's like, you know, new panties, new pants, new, whatever.

00:05:41.740 She goes, no, go to the store and get a red velvet cake.

00:05:45.780 I was like, huh?

00:05:46.780 She goes, we're throwing a period party.

00:05:48.700 And I was like.

00:05:51.580 Wow.

00:05:51.960 I was like, okay.

00:05:52.880 Be positive.

00:05:53.940 Immediately as we were, as, as the night went through and by the way, I put it on all social

00:05:58.700 media.

00:05:59.040 Cause it's funny.

00:05:59.560 And no one, no one has a frame of reference for how big this is getting, you know, and

00:06:04.040 you're just filming and you're laughing and everyone's laughing.

00:06:06.280 And then I live the next morning was like, yo, maybe we want to take that off social media.

00:06:10.340 Maybe I don't want everyone I went to school with to know I got my period yesterday.

00:06:12.900 And I was like, good call a 10 year old or 12 year old, whatever you are.

00:06:16.360 God, I don't know if people got, I mean, I guess people kind of remember, I think if

00:06:22.580 somebody got their period in our neighborhood, people would just start calling them a whore

00:06:25.340 or whatever, you know?

00:06:26.380 Like, I think people were just, yeah, people were, were more vulgar in our area.

00:06:31.220 I think, you know, if anything happened, it was, everybody always made it.

00:06:34.380 You feel ashamed of no matter what happened to you, you know?

00:06:37.480 Oh, okay.

00:06:38.540 Yeah.

00:06:38.940 I've been talking about shame a lot in therapy.

00:06:40.720 Have you been?

00:06:41.220 Yeah.

00:06:41.340 You just said, well, you just said that you, you saw somebody who was trying to teach her

00:06:44.660 kid to ride a bike.

00:06:45.240 Cause I heard something going on out there.

00:06:46.720 I heard something that sounded kind of Mexican or whatever happened out.

00:06:49.500 It was very Mexican.

00:06:50.360 Yeah.

00:06:50.620 Yeah.

00:06:50.880 I heard like something kind of Mexican happened outside earlier and I was like, Oh, I wonder

00:06:54.620 what's going on, but I'm not going to get involved.

00:06:57.220 I got to work right now.

00:06:58.420 But you came in, you said you saw a mom teaching a kid to ride a bike and you were going to

00:07:01.860 get involved.

00:07:02.520 I wanted to get involved.

00:07:03.440 Yeah.

00:07:03.780 And I just was like, no, this is their life.

00:07:05.980 What am I doing?

00:07:06.720 Like what part, what need do I have to jump in, make it an event event?

00:07:11.580 Like, ah, and then I don't know.

00:07:13.600 So I was like, I'm working on that in therapy too.

00:07:15.260 Just like removing myself, slowing down, listening.

00:07:18.320 Yeah.

00:07:18.860 Well, Leanne and I are in couples therapy.

00:07:20.360 Oh, y'all are?

00:07:21.220 It's awesome.

00:07:22.500 No way.

00:07:23.320 Yeah.

00:07:23.660 I'm, I'm fucking killing her.

00:07:25.780 Like I've gone, I've won three.

00:07:27.080 She's only won two.

00:07:27.760 Yeah.

00:07:28.060 Two ties.

00:07:29.700 I'm smoking her, dude.

00:07:30.680 The very first therapy, the very first therapy, the therapist, like I was just, I just, I

00:07:35.720 didn't like, we went into couples therapy in a good place.

00:07:37.840 We're in a good place, but the girls both went to college.

00:07:40.360 We're spending a lot of time together and you know, and like I just, I, both of us were

00:07:45.000 like, yeah, this is just different than we've ever lived.

00:07:47.320 I've always been on the road home Tuesday, Wednesday, gone Thursday, back Monday.

00:07:52.760 And now all of a sudden, and I'm taking a break from standup right now.

00:07:55.820 So I'm taking like a year off and we're just around each other so much.

00:08:00.520 We're like, maybe we should like, just be in front of it in case something happens.

00:08:05.620 Right.

00:08:05.780 Like see what's going on.

00:08:06.840 Yeah.

00:08:07.260 Yeah.

00:08:07.720 And so, yeah, the first therapy, Leanne interrupted me and the therapist goes, now you know me,

00:08:13.260 right?

00:08:14.020 He goes, does he ever talk?

00:08:16.080 I was like, oh, this is awesome.

00:08:20.800 She's got, I've got, Leanne got crossed up.

00:08:22.800 She's like on her heels.

00:08:23.720 She's like, wait, what the fuck?

00:08:24.920 He won't shut the fuck.

00:08:25.840 He's just not talking now.

00:08:26.820 I never thought, like, it was like, oh yeah, this is badass.

00:08:31.280 Damn, dude.

00:08:32.020 Who, who picked the therapist?

00:08:33.300 That's the thing that happens a lot of times is with couples.

00:08:35.860 I think you get, if you pick the therapist and it's almost like that's your, you have like,

00:08:39.400 um, you know, like the insider trading on the referees or whatever, you know?

00:08:43.640 Yeah.

00:08:43.760 Yeah.

00:08:43.920 Yeah.

00:08:44.100 She picked the therapist.

00:08:44.980 She did.

00:08:45.180 Yeah.

00:08:45.460 I'm not, I'm never going to find a therapist.

00:08:47.100 Yeah.

00:08:48.000 And was it weird?

00:08:49.040 And one of the things you said in there was that you got to let people do their thing.

00:08:52.900 Yes.

00:08:53.980 I need to slow down.

00:08:55.080 I have FOMO.

00:08:55.780 I want to be involved in everything.

00:08:56.960 I want to like, I just, I get, I felt like I've done too much just looking at you.

00:09:01.080 Like if I look at you, I'm like, oh fuck, I got to sit down for a minute, dude.

00:09:04.320 I get, when I wake up, when I wake up, if I hear something happening downstairs, I got to

00:09:09.640 go downstairs.

00:09:10.240 I go, what are we doing?

00:09:11.500 Hang on.

00:09:11.800 We're playing with the dogs.

00:09:12.640 I want to be a part of that.

00:09:13.440 Yeah.

00:09:13.600 Like I, dude, I, and I had, my day starts early and it just, I, I slam it.

00:09:18.340 Cause if I have any downtime, I get my head, I get on my phone.

00:09:21.960 I don't, it's just not positive.

00:09:23.560 And so I pack my days.

00:09:25.600 I had a therapist tell me one time you have FOMO.

00:09:27.760 Wow.

00:09:28.160 I was like, that doesn't sound like a therapy.

00:09:30.180 Yeah.

00:09:30.580 That, well, I mean, it's just crazy.

00:09:32.820 You would, yeah, I guess you hear something you want to go see.

00:09:36.160 You want to be a part of it.

00:09:37.160 You want to know what's going on.

00:09:38.680 Um, yeah, like I do when, when you got sober, did that change?

00:09:43.720 Cause there has to be a part of you when you get sober, where you go, Hey man, they're

00:09:47.300 all going out, but I'm cool.

00:09:48.340 Staying home.

00:09:49.540 Oh no, I just didn't.

00:09:51.280 What the best thing that happened from that was at, at like 1130 or midnight, I was like,

00:09:55.480 I'm fucking heading home.

00:09:56.600 Um, so you just didn't end up like in the retardation hours, you know, you didn't end

00:10:01.320 up fucking, you know, sneaking into somebody's house through an air vent or some fucking shit

00:10:06.760 or some dude tricking, trying to trick you into being gay or whatever, you know, like

00:10:11.440 I'm so glad when I hear you talk like that, I go, I definitely don't have a problem.

00:10:15.400 I've never known anyone to climb through an air vent.

00:10:17.660 Oh dude, have you seen the, there's a great, um, meth tribute video where a guy shows up

00:10:26.000 through a floor air vent in somebody's trailer.

00:10:29.600 That shit was something else.

00:10:31.160 Dude, when I was a kid, my buddy Jeff, he had like a lot of violent tendencies or whatever.

00:10:35.300 I don't know what happened to him, but he would get so angry.

00:10:38.220 His parents would send him to his room and he would beat the drywall out of the walls of

00:10:42.500 his room.

00:10:43.060 And every year for Christmas, they would get the drywall redone in his room.

00:10:46.600 Oh, that's very sweet of him.

00:10:47.500 And he would listen to that song.

00:10:48.600 You got to keep them separated.

00:10:52.420 I just met those dudes.

00:10:58.860 Do you know that they got, they said, I was talking to the, uh, to Dexter and, uh, and

00:11:04.820 fucking Slinky.

00:11:06.020 It's not Slinky.

00:11:06.860 Dexter and what?

00:11:07.940 Noodles.

00:11:08.260 Dexter and Noodles.

00:11:09.040 And they said, you know, that, uh, a lot of white supremacists adopted that song.

00:11:13.420 Ooh.

00:11:14.080 Yeah.

00:11:14.880 You know another song white supremacists adopted?

00:11:16.580 Uh, uh, these boots are made for walking and that's just what they'll do.

00:11:21.780 But the, one of these days, these boots are gonna walk all over you.

00:11:26.980 Jews.

00:11:27.580 Oh.

00:11:28.220 Stomp.

00:11:28.840 Yeah.

00:11:29.720 Damn.

00:11:30.400 There's a, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:11:31.300 I heard that in, uh, the old school.

00:11:33.240 You ever watch the old school Ku Klux Klan videos?

00:11:36.900 They didn't do, they didn't do a music video, did they?

00:11:40.020 I don't think so.

00:11:41.120 I haven't seen that if they did.

00:11:42.500 There would be like the videos where it's like the one British guy infiltrates the Klan

00:11:46.120 and he's like, so I'd like to talk to your son.

00:11:49.320 And he's like, so do you have a problem with black people?

00:11:51.820 Oh, I was talking about dude.

00:11:53.880 Louis Thoreau.

00:11:54.380 Oh, Louis Thoreau.

00:11:55.220 Yeah.

00:11:55.420 And then he'd go to like their fucking, their big barn and they're burning his cross and

00:11:59.040 he's like, I feel a little uncomfortable.

00:12:01.660 This isn't really my cup of tea.

00:12:04.160 Oh, the cross, it's a little warm.

00:12:05.840 Can you turn down the heat on the cross?

00:12:07.420 I'm a little close to the cross.

00:12:08.620 Can we do smaller crosses?

00:12:10.660 Maybe spread them out evenly by the tables, kind of like a heat lamp.

00:12:15.420 He goes, actually, my wife's a bit cold.

00:12:17.520 Could you spark up a small cross near her?

00:12:20.060 You think that was the first cross burning?

00:12:21.860 They're like, well, we want to get us right here, but there's people on the side.

00:12:25.420 So like, let's get, spread it out.

00:12:28.040 Like the fire's too centralized.

00:12:30.400 Well, I think that's why you, that's probably why they burn a cross.

00:12:33.680 It's kind of the perfect fucking heat lamp.

00:12:36.060 I don't understand.

00:12:37.340 I mean, I'm sure it's ominous to see a cross burning in your front yard, but I'd be, if

00:12:42.200 I saw that and I'm like two in the morning, I'd be like fucking sweet.

00:12:45.220 Yeah.

00:12:45.680 I'm like, nice.

00:12:46.180 I believe in God.

00:12:47.000 Yeah.

00:12:48.120 Fuck.

00:12:48.540 Yeah.

00:12:49.540 I'd be like, oh damn, we got a mega death rally happening.

00:12:52.940 We are.

00:12:53.220 What is this?

00:12:54.040 Our organization is just advertising.

00:12:56.040 You interviewed that dude?

00:12:57.640 Yeah.

00:12:58.500 Fascinating guy.

00:12:59.320 He is advertising.

00:13:00.640 The literature we put out is advertising.

00:13:01.740 He did Kurt and Courtney too, I think.

00:13:04.640 He's done a lot of documentaries.

00:13:05.960 He's done a ton.

00:13:06.700 But he does like gossip documentaries.

00:13:08.500 You know?

00:13:09.340 Yeah.

00:13:09.540 It's always, and it's a little, it was almost a little.

00:13:11.660 Ballpoint pen.

00:13:12.400 Spy swaps.

00:13:13.180 Cups.

00:13:13.560 So are a megaphone.

00:13:15.820 Will the skin hurt in the crowd please leave immediately?

00:13:19.620 How about Elijah?

00:13:20.460 Could be handy for cross burnings.

00:13:22.040 No, I don't.

00:13:22.660 That's not, that's not cool.

00:13:24.640 You can't use a Bic lighter for a cross burning.

00:13:26.220 No?

00:13:26.820 No.

00:13:27.100 You have to use a torch or something.

00:13:28.660 How come?

00:13:30.140 Can't use a Bic lighter for a cross burning.

00:13:32.300 Hang on.

00:13:32.680 Hang on.

00:13:32.980 Let's hang on.

00:13:33.500 Pick that apart.

00:13:34.440 That is fucking hilarious.

00:13:36.120 If they've built the cross, it's covered in fucking kerosene.

00:13:39.160 And you'll see a guy at the bottom.

00:13:42.160 I can't get it.

00:13:43.140 Hang on.

00:13:43.780 It's too windy.

00:13:45.540 Like someone trying to light a cigarette behind the comedy store.

00:13:48.340 Hey, somebody comes staying like this.

00:13:50.100 And there's a bunch of guys going like this.

00:13:51.300 Yeah.

00:13:51.420 Dude, one time I was at this party out in Franklin, Tennessee, and they had like a huge bonfire, right?

00:13:57.860 And so they were, and they had one black guy that was at the party, right?

00:14:02.400 And they sent him to pour the gasoline on all of this huge, I mean, it was a huge pile of six.

00:14:08.380 You had to climb up.

00:14:09.280 I mean, it was humongous.

00:14:10.080 It was probably.

00:14:10.740 A little gas goes a long way.

00:14:12.820 I agree.

00:14:13.300 And it was 40 feet wide and probably 20 feet high this pile.

00:14:15.840 And I was like, and there was American flags everywhere.

00:14:18.580 I was like, you cannot send the one.

00:14:20.300 I was like, if anything happens right there, this looks absolutely.

00:14:25.220 It's like being with your Jewish friend and go, hey, there's something in the back of my oven.

00:14:27.780 Can you climb in and see if you can get it out?

00:14:30.120 You're like, no, fuck no.

00:14:31.320 Well, that's why Jews invented the self-cleaning oven, dude.

00:14:36.120 They're like, we're not doing that.

00:14:38.260 We're not falling for that again.

00:14:41.120 Oh, oh, fuck.

00:14:42.620 They're going to make us take that out probably.

00:14:44.960 They can't, huh?

00:14:45.940 Well, unless the Jews actually invented the self-cleaning oven, then it's just fucking.

00:14:49.700 And that's just factual information.

00:14:53.360 Dude, I can't, so I can't believe you're in therapy, so that's going on.

00:14:56.520 Yeah, I like it.

00:14:57.840 You do?

00:14:58.300 I didn't do therapy.

00:14:59.280 I quit therapy for a period of time because I was talking too much, meaning two bears,

00:15:04.880 BirdCast, something's burning, and tour.

00:15:07.500 So every day I'm talking like four hours a day.

00:15:09.800 And I was like, I just was losing my voice like crazy.

00:15:11.680 I was like, I can't talk.

00:15:12.960 I just don't physically want to talk anymore.

00:15:15.560 And then when I took time off, I was like, the second I took time off, my first week

00:15:19.560 I got really depressed.

00:15:21.400 So I was like, I don't know.

00:15:22.180 Really?

00:15:22.700 Yeah.

00:15:23.760 Yeah.

00:15:24.520 But are you able to figure out what that depression is?

00:15:27.060 Because otherwise-

00:15:27.600 It's not torrent.

00:15:28.740 Oh, it's just not?

00:15:29.180 Yeah.

00:15:29.540 Not being on the go?

00:15:30.540 Not being on the go.

00:15:31.920 Not having something going.

00:15:32.820 Not like, hey, we got to pack you up.

00:15:34.320 We got to get you to blah, blah, blah, blah.

00:15:35.640 We're going out to Boston.

00:15:36.640 You're doing the thing.

00:15:37.760 But you already have, you've done so much.

00:15:39.940 Like, don't you worry that burn, like continuing to burn it at that speed would burn you out?

00:15:44.040 Or maybe you just don't get burned out.

00:15:45.520 No, I don't get burned.

00:15:46.440 I don't get burned out.

00:15:48.720 What was happening to me was creative.

00:15:50.680 Like creatively, I just felt like I was just spinning my wheels and nothing good was coming

00:15:54.520 out.

00:15:54.760 Oh, yeah.

00:15:55.220 And so I was like, I got to, like I got done this last hour.

00:15:58.240 It was premiering on Netflix March 18th.

00:16:00.100 I think 18th.

00:16:00.940 So I'm going to check that.

00:16:02.600 Lucky.

00:16:02.960 And I, when I got done doing that hour, I feel like I, you know how like when we get,

00:16:08.200 you know how when you start a new hour, you scrap everything and then you go to your joke

00:16:11.820 book.

00:16:12.020 You go, I got like 20 minutes.

00:16:13.720 Right.

00:16:14.100 For this special, I dumped everything.

00:16:16.840 Fucking seven minute stories turned it into a three minute story.

00:16:19.760 I dumped everything.

00:16:20.860 I just piled this.

00:16:21.740 My first four minutes was initially like 10 minutes and I crammed it.

00:16:26.060 So I wanted it to be good.

00:16:27.020 Cause it's like, you know, it's like my sixth special.

00:16:28.940 So I don't want people to think I got lazy.

00:16:30.520 But then when I got done, I was like, yo, I, I need to, I need to write.

00:16:34.540 And I was like, my girls are in college.

00:16:36.040 I'm with Leanne all the time.

00:16:37.660 Like, what am I talking about?

00:16:39.040 Like, who am I?

00:16:39.700 What am I going to like?

00:16:41.080 And so I was like, I'm taking time off.

00:16:42.280 But my first week I'm sitting in my backyard and I'm just like depressed looking at people

00:16:46.360 touring, having fun, looking at like.

00:16:48.840 So severely just that fear of missing out.

00:16:51.860 Missing out, man.

00:16:52.520 Like I just, I love the energy.

00:16:54.780 And, and we pulled fully loaded from the summer to give me time off to do the, this thing.

00:16:59.000 This summer?

00:16:59.440 This summer.

00:17:00.120 It was, we do fully loaded every summer and it's so fucking fun.

00:17:02.960 Oh, those videos.

00:17:03.720 I would always get in me.

00:17:04.480 So those seen all the pictures of the gorges and stuff like that.

00:17:07.200 And you guys are just having a blast.

00:17:09.260 I would always feel like such a loser that I wasn't doing it or I wasn't some of those

00:17:12.820 places.

00:17:12.960 It was just like, can't afford you.

00:17:14.660 I don't know about that.

00:17:15.440 There wasn't, there was a second where I could have gotten you and Schultz were the two,

00:17:19.860 like two kind of like white whales.

00:17:21.840 So it was been, it would have been me, you, Schultz, Shane Gillis, Mark Norman, Mark Norman,

00:17:25.840 Santino.

00:17:26.920 Like it would have been, it's, it's, it's such a fun group.

00:17:29.140 Like Whitney, Nikki, it's such a fun, big J, Dan Soder.

00:17:33.060 It's so fun.

00:17:34.460 And Schultz called me directly and he was like, I got your offer and I respectfully declined.

00:17:39.280 But then his agent was like, you can't afford him.

00:17:41.740 And I was like, okay, I get it.

00:17:42.940 But you want your friends to blow up.

00:17:44.620 It would have been cool, but it's like, you don't ever want someone to take a pay cut

00:17:46.700 to come do something.

00:17:47.560 Yeah.

00:17:48.200 Or sometimes it's also just a time cut.

00:17:49.840 It's like, since we've been podcasting more, it just takes so much time.

00:17:53.440 And then I have to do it here and Nashville.

00:17:55.340 It's just like the back and forth.

00:17:56.740 That's why, that's why I said this when we were in, um, I apologize to interrupt.

00:18:00.160 And your own touring.

00:18:01.120 So it's like, you have your own tour.

00:18:02.560 It's like last year.

00:18:03.680 I don't know.

00:18:05.240 I maybe had two weekends where I did something for myself that I wanted to do.

00:18:09.060 That wasn't work, which is fine.

00:18:10.120 Cause I like working, but, um, I like working too.

00:18:12.780 They say, do you have a hobby?

00:18:13.780 And I go like podcasts.

00:18:16.040 No, like, do you have a hobby?

00:18:17.200 I go shoot content.

00:18:19.600 Like, no, like a hobby.

00:18:20.620 I go, I'm working on a movie.

00:18:21.680 Yeah.

00:18:22.060 And they're like, no, what do you do for fun?

00:18:23.340 I go like collect rocks.

00:18:24.320 I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

00:18:25.760 Like look at toads, take pictures of animals.

00:18:27.780 Well, I don't, who, who the fuck does that?

00:18:29.840 Yeah.

00:18:30.420 Yeah.

00:18:30.740 That's the thing.

00:18:31.320 Sometimes people will be like, you got to get a hobby.

00:18:32.960 And I'm like, well, some of my hobbies became work.

00:18:35.680 And so they're still my hobbies.

00:18:37.560 They're just more, it just like, you're just super involved with them.

00:18:41.540 I guess, I guess I could get a nice hobby.

00:18:44.080 Like what?

00:18:45.800 Like think about like walking with a friend.

00:18:48.180 Top 10 hobbies.

00:18:49.200 Yeah.

00:18:49.680 Walking with a friend is not a hobby.

00:18:51.260 It isn't.

00:18:51.640 Cause immediately I go, why don't we turn it into a podcast?

00:18:54.080 Here's the beautiful thing about podcasting.

00:18:55.900 Okay.

00:18:56.280 And so let's scrap the, ignore that podcasting is a business.

00:19:00.280 When are me and you going to get a chance to sit down for an hour and just hang out with

00:19:04.540 and go, you know, you can't answer your phone.

00:19:07.160 Can't look at your phone.

00:19:08.060 Let's just talk for the rest of our lives.

00:19:09.880 Probably never till we're older.

00:19:11.000 Or, or if I, if you have something you want to promote, maybe we can do it over at my house,

00:19:14.620 but it's like, it's kind of fucked up.

00:19:16.320 I'll never get a chance to sit down with Kevin Nealon for an hour.

00:19:19.300 I sat with him for an hour and 30 minutes.

00:19:20.800 Got to ask him all the questions I ever wanted to ask.

00:19:22.440 Danny Trejo, uh, Travis Parker, you know, jelly.

00:19:25.980 It's like, I see jelly.

00:19:27.180 Jelly is a little different cause I see him and I ended up spending a lot of time with

00:19:29.760 him.

00:19:30.100 Yeah.

00:19:30.480 He, he's somehow so excited.

00:19:31.980 He finds he's so accessible in a weird way.

00:19:34.700 Yeah.

00:19:34.880 But, but podcasting, I don't look at that as work.

00:19:37.240 I look at his opportunity to hang out with my friends, you know, and, and, and get to

00:19:40.720 know other people, other men.

00:19:42.640 Um, Oh, for sure.

00:19:43.980 Yeah.

00:19:44.600 And I think a lot of people maybe don't get as much time of that.

00:19:47.500 And so that's why they listen to podcasts too.

00:19:49.420 It's like, Ooh, you know, a lot of people don't like what you said.

00:19:53.320 Maybe they don't get as much time as that.

00:19:55.220 So that's why they listen.

00:19:56.480 They're listening to more to podcasts.

00:19:57.780 I think some of this, why I listen, it's like, Oh, I want to hear a conversation about

00:20:00.400 this thing.

00:20:01.280 Yeah.

00:20:01.560 And so that's what I'm listening to where I want to hear about a conversation that's

00:20:04.220 funny.

00:20:04.800 Or I don't get to hang out with Tim Dillon and Rogan together.

00:20:08.080 So you got to hear.

00:20:08.720 I never, I never do.

00:20:09.800 So it's fun when I listen to the two of them talks, they, they have smart brains in a different

00:20:13.840 way than me.

00:20:14.460 Like I'll never think the way they think.

00:20:16.200 No, they're the best dude.

00:20:17.860 Tim Dillon is so original.

00:20:20.560 It's unbelievable.

00:20:21.280 He is my favorite gossip in the world.

00:20:24.040 He had this bit about the other day on, um, on, uh, it was a social reel and it was like

00:20:29.920 about the fires and how somebody hired private security to protect their private firemen to

00:20:35.960 protect their ice cream shop or whatever.

00:20:37.780 It was like all these places are burning, but the fucking Maui peach sorbet was fucking

00:20:43.160 saved or whatever.

00:20:44.020 I loved you were doing your fingers the whole time as you were trying to make it fancy.

00:20:47.500 The Maui peach sorbet.

00:20:50.440 Yeah.

00:20:50.840 I think if you do this whole time, like you're selling fancy to me.

00:20:55.040 Well, I think I was trying to think of something fancy and this helped me.

00:20:58.100 Yeah, I know this, this little movement right here.

00:21:00.220 Just like, Hey, do you guys want to go to dinner?

00:21:02.320 It's really nice.

00:21:03.160 Hey, if I take my dick out, I think you're going to like it.

00:21:07.180 I put sprinkles on it.

00:21:09.660 That's like, who had that joke?

00:21:11.020 If you call something Mexican in front of it, it just makes it so much better, dude.

00:21:14.720 No.

00:21:15.160 Oh wait.

00:21:15.900 That's not what I thought.

00:21:17.260 Oh really?

00:21:17.980 Oh, you thought worse?

00:21:18.880 I was at a, I was at a, you know, the Mexican restaurant at the end of the Santa Monica

00:21:22.900 beer.

00:21:23.380 Yeah.

00:21:24.060 And the lady comes up to me, my buddy Eddie, and she goes, would you guys like Mexican hot

00:21:29.740 chocolates?

00:21:30.100 And we're like, Oh no, thank you.

00:21:32.060 What do you wrap us in a blanket, hold us down and shit in our mouths?

00:21:34.600 No, thanks.

00:21:35.180 I think we'll pass.

00:21:36.340 Mexican hot chocolate sounds like a fucking, like when you want a Mexican blow job and

00:21:40.360 you're like, hold on, what are we doing here?

00:21:42.660 Like, it's like the donkey show.

00:21:44.260 Did you ever see a donkey show?

00:21:45.060 I never saw it.

00:21:46.000 I don't want to get involved with that.

00:21:47.180 I have a good relationship with the outdoor, outdoor animals.

00:21:50.920 I don't want to get like that.

00:21:52.280 Yeah.

00:21:52.440 This is his clip right here.

00:21:53.800 Oh, I love that he's, you can play it from right there.

00:21:55.720 It's fun.

00:21:56.720 That little Palisades village.

00:21:58.760 I'm glad it's still there.

00:22:00.120 I am.

00:22:01.300 I'm glad that guy brought in his own water and fucking was like,

00:22:05.860 yeah, we're, we're not losing.

00:22:07.860 What's the fucking McConnell's?

00:22:10.040 We're not losing that ice cream place.

00:22:16.680 There's people burning alive in the street.

00:22:18.880 He's like, yeah, we're not losing McConnell's.

00:22:21.080 What are you nuts?

00:22:22.940 It's a good ice cream.

00:22:24.200 Santa Barbara's strawberry is a great flavor.

00:22:26.300 What are you nuts?

00:22:28.480 What's that other sushi place?

00:22:30.140 Is it Blue Ribbon?

00:22:31.300 It's good.

00:22:32.020 Yeah.

00:22:32.660 Fuck yeah.

00:22:33.260 The fucking, it's just hilarious to be a billionaire and to go, we're bringing in water and we're

00:22:43.560 bringing in our own firefighters.

00:22:45.140 And then the firefighters show up to like, all right, who do we save?

00:22:48.220 And you're like, what?

00:22:49.200 Get, get, get the fuck in front of Blue Ribbon sushi right now.

00:22:54.680 Are you out of your fucking mind, you piece of shit?

00:22:58.260 Who do we save?

00:22:59.500 The tiger roll.

00:23:00.660 That's a fucking, get in front of Blue Ribbon sushi.

00:23:03.200 The tiger roll.

00:23:04.000 That's good.

00:23:04.400 What impresses me about Tim is he can do his show by himself for fucking one hour.

00:23:12.540 Yeah.

00:23:12.920 Once a week.

00:23:13.880 Have you ever tried that?

00:23:15.400 For one hour every day?

00:23:17.620 No, have you ever, no, once a week he does his show once a week.

00:23:21.200 And, uh.

00:23:21.780 Yeah, I did that for years, I think, didn't I?

00:23:24.280 Yeah, he was solo for the first couple of years.

00:23:26.780 Just him talking.

00:23:27.600 And then my brain, I ran out of anything, I don't even know, now it's just like a fucking

00:23:32.120 thoroughfare for other people's bullshit.

00:23:34.780 It's like it used to be, I used to have some of my own ideas.

00:23:38.520 Now it's just fucking nothing.

00:23:39.960 You know, I think you used to have your own ideas.

00:23:42.240 I don't know, dude.

00:23:42.700 You know, I always say to people, I always say to people, um, hey, wait, were you, were

00:23:47.700 you using drugs when we did that fraternity pilot?

00:23:51.540 Let me think.

00:23:52.340 Oh, remember that thing, dude?

00:23:53.960 Yeah.

00:23:54.180 I tried to buy it.

00:23:55.560 That pilot?

00:23:56.280 Huh.

00:23:57.020 Yeah.

00:23:57.380 Because I think Bunda Murray's collapsed, right?

00:23:59.660 Yeah, I think, yeah, I don't know what happened yet, but because the pilot was what?

00:24:02.760 It was three guys were going back to college.

00:24:05.560 It was kind of based on.

00:24:06.840 Old school.

00:24:07.360 Old school.

00:24:07.880 I think it was called old school.

00:24:08.880 Three guys were going back to college?

00:24:10.540 Was that it?

00:24:10.840 No, no, no, no, no, no.

00:24:11.860 Me, you, and Brett Ernst were starting a fraternity.

00:24:14.020 Starting a fraternity.

00:24:14.540 For people out of college.

00:24:15.460 Yeah.

00:24:15.900 And man, we did not think that through.

00:24:17.520 No.

00:24:17.900 We just put it in fucking Craigslist, right?

00:24:20.680 Yeah, remember that one guy finally kissed that hook or whatever and his fucking glasses steamed up.

00:24:25.760 Remember, Ernie?

00:24:26.500 Remember that guy?

00:24:29.960 Dude, a couple of those guys.

00:24:30.960 Hold on.

00:24:31.300 You're underselling.

00:24:32.340 You're underselling what we did.

00:24:34.020 Have we talked about this?

00:24:36.300 Hold on.

00:24:37.500 So it was, I'm just going to set the scene because this was the funniest pilot I've ever been a part of.

00:24:42.840 Okay.

00:24:43.400 Me, you, and Brett Ernst.

00:24:44.880 Yeah.

00:24:45.080 We were the hosts and executive producers.

00:24:48.580 Oh, wow.

00:24:49.160 So if you don't remember that?

00:24:50.020 I don't think I got that good of a deal, but let's keep going.

00:24:52.180 Well, I think it might have, if I'm not mistaken, I think I was, I might have been the one that was like, because I had like headsets in and I was talking to producers and it was all our ideas.

00:25:02.400 So we were like, all right, we're going to get these out, put it in Craigslist.

00:25:04.780 We'll get a fucking party bus, put it in Craigslist.

00:25:07.260 If we get anyone that applies, we'll take them.

00:25:08.720 We had no fucking background checks.

00:25:10.640 None.

00:25:11.620 Do you remember that?

00:25:12.360 Yeah, I remember.

00:25:12.920 Remember that one guy showed up?

00:25:14.080 PTSD.

00:25:15.220 Oh, well, oh yeah.

00:25:16.500 He had PTSD and he'd wake up in the middle of the night and Marine crawled around the fucking house to check the perimeter.

00:25:21.140 All right.

00:25:21.360 Do you remember that guy?

00:25:22.080 The little guy that didn't speak English threw up in the fucking, in the garbage can and we couldn't get him out.

00:25:27.220 Well, that guy was a ninja, remember?

00:25:28.440 He was a full-time ninja, he said.

00:25:29.860 And we're like, where?

00:25:30.620 He was a full-time fucking ninja.

00:25:32.020 Yeah.

00:25:32.360 And then there was the guy you championed and you were trying to get a lady.

00:25:35.020 He made out with a chick.

00:25:36.360 Dude, one dude cheated on his wife and he was like, I think I just ruined my life.

00:25:40.780 And we're like, ah.

00:25:42.520 And so, hold on.

00:25:44.100 Hold on.

00:25:44.540 This is the best is we wanted to throw a party for them, but we didn't know how to get chicks.

00:25:48.720 So we just hired prostitutes.

00:25:50.140 Yes.

00:25:50.340 We hired real prostitutes, dude.

00:25:53.260 And that one guy.

00:25:54.320 Everyone was getting laid, but it was because we paid for them.

00:25:58.080 Everyone was like, this is great.

00:25:59.500 Do you remember our band?

00:26:00.620 Do you remember the band?

00:26:01.500 Uh-uh.

00:26:02.400 Dio.

00:26:02.900 Oh, was it that all-female band?

00:26:05.240 With tape over their nipples and their pussies.

00:26:07.360 Yeah.

00:26:07.960 Harlow.

00:26:08.500 Wasn't that their name?

00:26:09.160 You remember their name?

00:26:10.400 I think that was them.

00:26:11.560 Google them.

00:26:12.000 Harlow.

00:26:12.600 They had Jack Daniels and pillows.

00:26:16.280 And they created a pillow flight.

00:26:18.280 Feathers went everywhere.

00:26:19.160 And they'd spit Jack Daniels in our mouths.

00:26:21.400 Yeah.

00:26:21.680 That's how the pilot opened.

00:26:22.960 My name's Bert Kreischer.

00:26:24.040 Me and my two best friends are starting a fraternity.

00:26:25.920 It's going to get wild.

00:26:26.940 And the girl spit vodka in my mouth.

00:26:28.540 And I was like, I'm married with two kids.

00:26:30.720 Dude, that was-

00:26:31.660 Is that-

00:26:32.200 No, it's not.

00:26:32.660 I don't know if that was them.

00:26:35.540 Harlow was a girl band, I thought.

00:26:37.220 Oh, that's them.

00:26:37.820 That's them.

00:26:38.200 Yeah, dude.

00:26:40.340 They were cute.

00:26:40.660 Oh, they were fucking killer.

00:26:42.500 They were hot too, dude.

00:26:44.320 I remember the executive producer came out to the pool.

00:26:47.320 All the prostitutes are naked.

00:26:49.600 They're all in the pool.

00:26:50.740 I'm in the pool in pajamas.

00:26:53.940 And everyone's-

00:26:54.660 And the producer, one of the executive producers goes, I can't use any of this.

00:26:58.940 I remember the sound guy was like, hey, you want to hear something?

00:27:01.720 I was like, what's that?

00:27:02.320 And he grabs the headsets and he takes them off.

00:27:03.820 He goes, put them on.

00:27:05.040 I go, what is that?

00:27:05.880 And he goes, someone's getting their dick sucked in the bathroom.

00:27:08.000 Yeah.

00:27:10.080 Yeah, dude.

00:27:10.840 I hope it was me, dude.

00:27:11.860 I'm trying to remember what happened.

00:27:13.380 Were you using drugs at the time?

00:27:14.760 I don't know.

00:27:15.440 I hope I was.

00:27:16.180 It sounded like it was a fucking blast, dude.

00:27:18.660 I mean, that-

00:27:19.440 I don't know if I needed drugs at the time.

00:27:21.140 That sounds amazing.

00:27:21.800 The guy broke the champagne bottle over the goat's head?

00:27:24.220 Yeah, dude, yeah.

00:27:25.740 I mean, we fucking beat up those lesbians?

00:27:28.300 It was the fucking wildest show ever.

00:27:31.420 One of them fucking asked for it, dude.

00:27:33.240 One of the big ones asked for it, yes.

00:27:34.980 The little one, sure.

00:27:36.480 A victim.

00:27:37.380 I'll say that.

00:27:38.360 That was the greatest pilot I've ever been a part of.

00:27:41.840 I forgot about that.

00:27:43.700 That's one, I mean, like-

00:27:45.320 Remember when we showed up at a place, we stole that fucking goat, put him on that bus,

00:27:50.180 and he started shitting in the back of the bus, and the only person that would go back there

00:27:53.040 and care for him, he was some like, he was like a third generation veterinarian or something,

00:27:58.140 that one really white kid.

00:27:59.380 Yeah.

00:28:00.980 And people kept giving it beer and stuff.

00:28:02.800 And we stole the wrong goat.

00:28:04.400 We did?

00:28:05.140 Yeah, we had, we had an address that we were gonna pull over, and we had already arranged

00:28:09.300 to take their goat and give it back to them, like production-wise.

00:28:12.260 So we pulled over to piss, and the fucking Irish kid, do you remember the Irish kid?

00:28:16.340 Is his name Killian?

00:28:17.280 Oh, yeah.

00:28:18.640 I think he was a comic.

00:28:20.820 Killian?

00:28:21.760 No, Killian's just the name of a beer.

00:28:23.980 I thought that was his name.

00:28:27.300 Seamus.

00:28:28.120 Seamus?

00:28:28.800 Seamus?

00:28:29.040 It wasn't him.

00:28:31.840 It was a fella named Seamus.

00:28:33.220 I think he probably passed.

00:28:34.300 I don't know if he passed away.

00:28:35.020 A couple of them, a lot of those guys are dead.

00:28:37.040 Seamus O'Farrell.

00:28:38.040 Is that him?

00:28:38.460 A lot of guys that were in that pilot died.

00:28:40.400 Yeah.

00:28:40.680 Because I was in a Facebook group with him, and like the big guy, or like the big guy,

00:28:44.720 he passed.

00:28:45.040 Remember him?

00:28:45.580 He had two kids.

00:28:46.520 Oh, did he?

00:28:47.460 Yeah, he was a fucking-

00:28:48.420 He had two lunches, too.

00:28:49.420 I remember that.

00:28:49.960 He fucking, he did not make it that long.

00:28:53.520 I was like, dude, you can't have two lunches.

00:28:56.360 Because he would have lunch and then wait a little while and pretend like he hadn't

00:28:59.420 had lunch, I remember.

00:29:00.600 He's like, wait, were they serving?

00:29:01.860 Yeah.

00:29:02.240 We're like, yeah.

00:29:04.640 What are they serving?

00:29:05.520 Like, you just ate it.

00:29:06.440 Yeah, yeah, dude.

00:29:07.500 It was just that reverse, he would use reverse psychology with his own stomach or whatever.

00:29:11.080 I mean, that was the funnest.

00:29:12.620 Like, I always say-

00:29:13.600 I forgot about that.

00:29:14.540 That was, like, it's like, you know when you discover someone?

00:29:18.840 Like, I'm thinking of the best example.

00:29:23.900 It's like Cam Patterson, right?

00:29:25.720 Like, my wife's friends, their kids are in high school, and they came to one of my

00:29:31.440 shows, and they're like, have you seen Cam Patterson?

00:29:33.560 At the time, I hadn't.

00:29:34.860 And then I was like, no.

00:29:36.320 And then I watched some of his clips, and I discovered him, and I was like, oh, he's

00:29:39.040 funny.

00:29:39.380 Yeah.

00:29:39.720 That moment, we all have it for comics, and I've heard, I've heard for a very long time

00:29:43.920 watch people discover you when you, they go, dude, do you know Theo Vaughn?

00:29:47.600 But I had to discover you, too.

00:29:49.260 Like, right?

00:29:49.620 I got to find that you were funny, too.

00:29:51.760 Right.

00:29:52.020 And I always say, it was that fucking pilot where I just kept watching you just, like,

00:29:56.680 like, everything you were saying was, like, so fucking funny.

00:29:59.880 That and the, oh, no, that and fucking Reality Bites Back.

00:30:03.360 I've always said that, like, that finale, Theo, you were the single funniest human being I'd

00:30:09.460 ever been around in my life.

00:30:11.460 Really?

00:30:11.900 Oh, my God.

00:30:12.800 You were dropping dimes.

00:30:15.120 When we were all sitting in the bleachers, I was crying laughing.

00:30:18.440 I would have never laughed harder in my fucking life where I was like, this guy, everything

00:30:23.520 you said was fucking hysterical.

00:30:26.220 And you're in a room full of killers.

00:30:28.280 Killers in there.

00:30:28.860 Oh, killers.

00:30:29.900 It was so much fun.

00:30:30.900 Look at Schumer looking vibey right there.

00:30:33.200 Do you remember when Donnell, we were in the car, and Donnell said to Mo Mandel, because

00:30:37.380 Mo was like, I love Mo.

00:30:39.040 I love Mo.

00:30:39.700 I'm not shitting on Mo.

00:30:40.760 But Mo was younger than everyone, so he was, like, trying.

00:30:43.200 Oh, yeah.

00:30:43.800 He was trying the whole time.

00:30:45.080 It's that energy you would do when you're young, too.

00:30:46.740 You get put in a place, you try to, yeah, you try.

00:30:49.140 And he goes, Donnell's in front of the van.

00:30:51.560 He goes, Mo, has anyone ever told you you're funny?

00:30:55.660 And Mo goes, of course.

00:30:57.200 And he goes, name one person.

00:30:59.180 And Mo goes, my mom.

00:31:02.400 And we fell out of the fucking van.

00:31:05.660 Donnell goes, your mom doesn't count, Mo.

00:31:07.600 Your mom doesn't fucking count.

00:31:09.640 Oh, God.

00:31:11.140 Dude, oh, there's my boy right there.

00:31:12.820 He just had his second child, I think.

00:31:14.500 He's selling TV shows.

00:31:15.600 He's doing great.

00:31:16.960 Mo's a creative dude, man.

00:31:18.140 He's a very creative dude.

00:31:19.440 Look at Schumer.

00:31:20.140 Holy shit.

00:31:21.840 Hi, I'm Hurt.

00:31:22.720 And I have a goatee because if I don't, it looks like my real chin has balls.

00:31:26.040 Look at how loud my voice is.

00:31:27.720 Start laughing.

00:31:28.200 It looks like I'm teabagging my shirt.

00:31:29.860 My name's Theo Bond.

00:31:31.280 Whoa.

00:31:31.580 This $50,000 would mean that I could get out of debt.

00:31:33.940 Listen to our voices.

00:31:35.000 We put a down payment on a better apartment or an apartment in general.

00:31:39.340 Who looks the most like an 80-year-old black man in their picture?

00:31:44.320 Donnell, boy.

00:31:45.680 Wow.

00:31:47.000 Look at you, bird.

00:31:48.200 I worked so hard in my career.

00:31:49.160 Fuck.

00:31:49.640 Build a pita house.

00:31:51.960 The border patrol agents better watch out.

00:31:53.300 Look at this, bro.

00:31:55.000 We've been throwing some...

00:31:56.440 Oh, shit.

00:31:57.440 Do you remember this?

00:31:57.940 Pause it up.

00:31:58.340 That's when we threw those Mexican Cabbage Patch kids.

00:32:02.120 They died the Mexican because they weren't...

00:32:04.220 The Mexican ones have been discontinued or whatever.

00:32:06.320 Yeah.

00:32:06.940 Or...

00:32:07.380 How do you say cabbage in Spanish?

00:32:09.200 Cabbage.

00:32:09.960 Cabbage.

00:32:10.860 Cabbage niños.

00:32:12.300 So we had these fucking Cabbage niños, right?

00:32:14.520 And we're just...

00:32:15.100 They're like, you have to throw 50 of them over this fence.

00:32:17.460 Like, it was going to be hard for fucking adult men to do that, bro.

00:32:21.080 We were humming those bitches over there.

00:32:23.520 And remember, Chyna showed up.

00:32:25.120 She was the wrestling woman.

00:32:26.440 Oh, yeah.

00:32:27.140 And she was all geeked up on pills or something.

00:32:29.500 And she was supposed to...

00:32:30.500 As they went over the fence, somebody was supposed to shoot them down with like a...

00:32:33.540 Some sort of a paintball gun or something.

00:32:36.480 I was like, what are we doing?

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00:36:30.140 Dude, my favorite one, I wish they had a video of this.

00:36:36.780 I wish I could find this video, is we did So You Think You Could Dive.

00:36:41.480 Yeah.

00:36:42.100 Oh, yeah.

00:36:42.920 And you said, everyone practiced diving all week, and you're like, I'm good.

00:36:46.780 I already know what I'm doing.

00:36:48.580 And you got up to the, if I'm not mistaken, it was like the 10 meter or like the 5 meter.

00:36:53.140 It was high as shit.

00:36:54.380 I went up there.

00:36:54.960 In a wheelchair.

00:36:55.880 I would like to present my ode to Amelia Earhart.

00:36:59.420 And you sang to Amelia Earhart, and you got, and you just had them push you off in a wheelchair.

00:37:05.620 And you had not planned that once the front wheels went off, that you were going face first.

00:37:10.620 And you fucking landed on your stomach so hard, came up.

00:37:14.520 That was the fucking, please tell me you have it.

00:37:19.620 I don't know.

00:37:21.040 Oh, shut the fuck up.

00:37:22.120 Really?

00:37:22.900 Oh, my God.

00:37:24.360 Wow, look how young we were.

00:37:25.620 Bert, look at you.

00:37:26.440 Oh, my God, look at this.

00:37:27.820 This is what all I did was hit on, I hit on Greg.

00:37:30.460 Greg Louganis the whole time.

00:37:32.140 And then he got pissed because he found out I was married.

00:37:34.800 Really?

00:37:35.400 Yeah, you remember, that's why he voted me off.

00:37:37.220 He was like, you don't tease a man.

00:37:39.060 I do remember driving away, this was in Long Beach, I remember driving home that day.

00:37:43.140 I'm like, I can't believe Bert.

00:37:44.400 I drove you home.

00:37:45.300 I'm going to smash that, dude.

00:37:46.420 No, I drove you home.

00:37:47.200 Oh, that's right.

00:37:48.460 Dude, I picked up everyone in the car, and Schumer goes, I hope none of us get voted off.

00:37:53.380 It's going to be an awkward ride home.

00:37:54.940 And I got voted off, and I drove home, and I was like, it was quiet.

00:37:59.340 I was like, so what are you guys doing tomorrow, do you think?

00:38:02.720 And we're all going back to work.

00:38:04.260 God, I was not.

00:38:07.040 This.

00:38:09.440 Dear Emilio.

00:38:10.840 Oh, my God.

00:38:16.800 We will come and find you soon.

00:38:24.680 What the fuck?

00:38:25.960 What octave is that?

00:38:29.140 If I'm not mistaken, it was that kid Cameron pushing you off.

00:38:32.220 That's that kid Cameron.

00:38:33.500 Watch.

00:38:33.860 Tell us a little bit about the genesis of the idea.

00:38:43.000 Look how jacked you are, dude.

00:38:44.200 God, I was handsome.

00:38:45.660 Well, Frank, there's a lot of ladies out there that are missing, and I just wanted to kind

00:38:48.920 of put a tribute out to them.

00:38:50.500 Okay.

00:38:51.160 We got to find them bitches.

00:38:53.900 You had the ladies, and I think you just lost them.

00:38:55.820 Hang on.

00:38:56.200 Do you have that whole episode?

00:38:58.320 Yeah, I have the whole series.

00:38:59.440 Okay, do me a favor.

00:39:00.520 Wow.

00:39:00.960 Go to me getting kicked off.

00:39:02.400 Do you remember this?

00:39:03.300 With Greg Louganis?

00:39:04.340 Do you remember?

00:39:04.820 You did a nude dance for him.

00:39:06.120 Do you have that?

00:39:06.940 And Greg Louganis is a famous homosexual swimmer.

00:39:10.780 If I'm not mistaken, he's HIV positive.

00:39:13.360 Is he?

00:39:13.980 I think he was like the poster boy for HIV positiveness.

00:39:16.660 Oh, wow.

00:39:17.420 He's HIV positivity.

00:39:18.860 I saw that bathing suit.

00:39:20.700 I swear to God, I just got rid of that bathing suit yesterday.

00:39:22.900 I told you.

00:39:23.400 Oh.

00:39:23.700 All right, go to the end when I get voted off.

00:39:27.000 What are you talking about?

00:39:28.320 My wife never made a rule about that.

00:39:29.260 I just hit on him.

00:39:30.060 Okay.

00:39:30.400 Your butt is so white.

00:39:31.380 You say that it's time for you to pack your trunks.

00:39:36.780 Thanks so much.

00:39:37.440 Now, hit pause for a second.

00:39:39.720 This was the biggest regret of my life.

00:39:43.080 Yeah.

00:39:43.440 Like sometimes you ever do a podcast and you're like, hey, can you guys take that out?

00:39:46.060 I shouldn't have said.

00:39:47.000 Oh, yeah.

00:39:47.600 I know what you're talking about.

00:39:48.740 Bobby.

00:39:48.940 And so like, now I did this and no one laughed.

00:39:54.420 Yeah.

00:39:54.900 No one laughed.

00:39:55.680 Everyone saw it and it was wildly rolling the dice on it.

00:39:59.560 And I was like, I'm not certain.

00:40:01.340 And I went home and I got in bed with my wife that night and I didn't know how it was going

00:40:04.500 to be edited.

00:40:04.960 And I go, I might have just ruined my career.

00:40:06.460 I might have destroyed my career.

00:40:08.400 I might have made it because I was telling everyone I was on this fucking show at my

00:40:11.420 daughter's preschool.

00:40:12.240 I was like, they're going to watch this.

00:40:13.740 That's insane to do that.

00:40:15.340 Everyone was famous.

00:40:16.320 I was trying to like keep up with the Joneses.

00:40:17.780 Oh, yeah.

00:40:18.180 I'm on a new show.

00:40:19.040 I'm like, yeah, I'm on a TV show, whatever.

00:40:20.860 Hit play.

00:40:21.460 Have you seen this?

00:40:22.380 Oh, my God.

00:40:23.620 All right.

00:40:24.060 Biggest regret.

00:40:27.800 Wow, Bert.

00:40:30.640 Were you fully naked?

00:40:31.960 Yeah.

00:40:32.180 I had a great time, Michael.

00:40:34.300 I'll never forget this.

00:40:35.980 Fully naked.

00:40:36.900 Just close your rope.

00:40:38.200 Actually big.

00:40:41.820 And does Michael prefer men or he prefers women?

00:40:44.360 He's married.

00:40:47.160 Michael, I think, was being like honest.

00:40:49.100 Like, this is a bad idea.

00:40:50.040 Another set of bad decisions in my life, Michael.

00:40:52.800 Well, this one might be the worst of all.

00:40:54.820 They don't stop coming.

00:40:56.960 Oh, my.

00:40:58.240 Look at it.

00:40:58.800 It's not going away.

00:41:00.100 If I look at it, I will turn to stone.

00:41:01.940 No, you will.

00:41:02.540 Maybe part of you will, but not all of you.

00:41:05.720 All right.

00:41:06.280 Oh, my God.

00:41:07.960 That was incredible.

00:41:10.980 Oh.

00:41:13.120 Dude, I thought I ruined.

00:41:15.320 I thought I ruined my career.

00:41:17.840 Oh, really?

00:41:18.320 Ruined it.

00:41:18.620 And what kind of pecker you got on your hair?

00:41:20.400 You can't really.

00:41:20.940 They got it blurred out or whatever.

00:41:22.220 Just so we can.

00:41:23.780 Not big at all.

00:41:24.720 Okay.

00:41:25.140 I'm going to show you to you right now and it's probably the exact same size.

00:41:27.440 Do you remember we took a bath with Lunell?

00:41:30.240 Dude, yeah.

00:41:31.400 Oh, yeah.

00:41:31.940 Me, you, Red Grant.

00:41:33.000 Me, you, Red Grant.

00:41:34.080 Took a bath with Lunell.

00:41:34.880 He went for mayor of Baltimore.

00:41:36.060 You know that?

00:41:36.760 Oh.

00:41:37.340 Yeah.

00:41:37.600 We'll tell this story.

00:41:38.620 Yeah.

00:41:39.340 Do you remember Lunell had two bathing suits on?

00:41:41.740 Did she really?

00:41:42.600 And she took one off.

00:41:43.740 And she goes, boys, where are your bathing suits?

00:41:45.100 And then we took ours off and then she got out of the bath and we were all naked and she

00:41:49.580 took our bathing suits.

00:41:50.580 God.

00:41:51.640 I don't remember that.

00:41:52.880 I remember, I think Kyle's mom gave me, or somebody gave somebody, I don't remember

00:41:58.260 what happened.

00:41:58.880 Somebody came.

00:41:59.400 One of us came or something.

00:42:01.880 Kyle's mom.

00:42:04.540 I remember that.

00:42:06.280 Kyle's mom was a hired stripper.

00:42:08.960 Yeah.

00:42:09.220 Just so we're clear, Kyle's real mom's dead.

00:42:12.760 Kyle's real mom passed away?

00:42:13.840 Yeah.

00:42:14.040 That's why they got brought in the stripper.

00:42:15.940 Oh, damn.

00:42:17.060 Well.

00:42:18.840 Yeah.

00:42:19.240 I remember meeting your mom and I was like, oh, his mom looks like she could make dream

00:42:22.940 catchers in Northern, in New Mexico.

00:42:24.840 Yeah, dude.

00:42:25.420 My mom looks like she fucking tells on black people that walk out of the store with all

00:42:28.640 this shit from Rite Aid.

00:42:31.860 Dude, that show was so wild.

00:42:34.240 And it was like, bro, they paid us.

00:42:36.760 It was pretty.

00:42:37.640 It was fun.

00:42:38.340 You got to be around other comedians.

00:42:40.560 Tiffany Haddish was on there.

00:42:42.100 Donnell Rawlings.

00:42:43.180 Oh, yeah.

00:42:43.760 Remember Javier, George, that one comedian left.

00:42:48.360 He left the first day.

00:42:49.220 Remember George?

00:42:49.920 Yeah.

00:42:50.340 Jeff Garcia.

00:42:51.180 Jeff Garcia left.

00:42:52.200 Jeff Garcia.

00:42:52.340 Don't play that.

00:42:53.120 I do not need to see that.

00:42:54.220 No, hang on.

00:42:55.020 I actually, that makes, I have nightmares about that.

00:42:57.500 You know where you've, when you know you've done something and you're like, oh, why did

00:43:00.600 I do that?

00:43:00.920 Oh, yeah.

00:43:01.220 That fucking moment.

00:43:02.560 Oh, that fucking makes my skin crawl.

00:43:04.560 And this is when you made a promise to your mom in the dark or whatever.

00:43:07.220 They said, well, they said.

00:43:08.340 You're going to bring you in.

00:43:09.940 You're going to seduce somebody.

00:43:12.160 And the more you turn them on, the better you win.

00:43:16.260 And they brought it in.

00:43:17.360 And it was our mom's.

00:43:18.720 In the dark.

00:43:19.520 In the dark.

00:43:20.580 And I told her what I do to her, giving her oral sex.

00:43:23.060 I fucking.

00:43:23.880 I think about that.

00:43:27.600 Because I was honest.

00:43:28.980 I was fucking honest, Theo.

00:43:30.840 That's illegal, too, to do that to your mother.

00:43:33.000 I think so.

00:43:34.400 Theo did the Native American warbler.

00:43:36.680 I did?

00:43:40.700 Let's make this plan happen.

00:43:42.820 Whoa.

00:43:43.200 Mom.

00:43:46.500 Whoa.

00:43:46.940 I was scared, let me say.

00:43:49.460 I love that shit.

00:43:50.160 Seduction.

00:43:50.620 The first thing you have to know is the Native American warbler.

00:43:54.020 Serious panty dropper.

00:44:01.060 Let's make this plan happen.

00:44:03.040 Whoa.

00:44:03.540 Mom.

00:44:05.960 You were so good at this.

00:44:07.600 You were so good at this.

00:44:09.660 What was it?

00:44:10.720 You know, you were so good at the whole fucking game.

00:44:13.280 Like, it got in my head.

00:44:15.080 And I would get panicked.

00:44:16.480 And I needed the money.

00:44:17.580 And you were just fucking chill.

00:44:20.700 And.

00:44:20.840 I was probably on steroids, dude.

00:44:22.280 You might have been.

00:44:23.220 You look pretty jacked in this.

00:44:24.640 I might have been on performance enhancing drugs.

00:44:26.320 You ever taken steroids?

00:44:27.520 Yeah, dude.

00:44:28.380 You know.

00:44:28.660 Yeah, they just had a new.

00:44:29.720 Did you see that?

00:44:30.380 A new steroid Olympics was coming up.

00:44:32.600 I hope so.

00:44:33.400 That show was before it's time.

00:44:35.000 They should put the show back on the air if they didn't.

00:44:37.900 I don't understand.

00:44:38.860 They.

00:44:38.940 And after that, they fucked up, man.

00:44:41.340 I could not agree more.

00:44:43.100 They fucked up a lot.

00:44:43.840 And by the way, here's where they fucked up.

00:44:46.080 This is where they fucked up.

00:44:46.940 They should.

00:44:47.820 We should buy that.

00:44:49.060 Me, you, Donna.

00:44:51.000 Just people with little money.

00:44:52.000 We should buy that.

00:44:52.980 And then get all the raw.

00:44:54.760 And edit it the way we want to edit it.

00:44:56.560 Because that is.

00:44:57.860 We could do one season.

00:44:59.880 We could do five seasons out of just outtakes.

00:45:02.320 I mean, the shit we weren't allowed to say.

00:45:03.680 Do you remember me, you, and Red?

00:45:05.220 We're in a pool with Amy Schumer.

00:45:06.920 And she goes, what are we going to do now?

00:45:08.360 And I was like, why don't we play Leaky Submarine?

00:45:09.700 And she goes, what's that?

00:45:10.280 And I go, well, you're the Leaky Submarine.

00:45:11.660 And we've got to plug up all your holes.

00:45:13.120 And everyone's like, can't use that.

00:45:14.900 And I was like, why?

00:45:15.440 It's fucking funny.

00:45:16.600 Like, dude, the outtakes we did just there.

00:45:20.680 I'm telling you, that finale.

00:45:22.900 You had.

00:45:23.640 And it was me, Chris Fairbanks, I think Schumer, Red Grant, and Donnell were in a cluster.

00:45:29.400 And we were crying, laughing at you for one hour straight.

00:45:33.700 You were just, they would say something, and you just, honest Theo.

00:45:38.320 Like, the person you are today was there that day.

00:45:41.480 And you were stream of consciousness.

00:45:43.540 And we were, well, I've never laughed harder.

00:45:46.440 Damn.

00:45:47.760 That was so much fun.

00:45:48.740 Look at me and Amy right there.

00:45:50.320 God.

00:45:50.800 And she had a boyfriend.

00:45:51.860 I think she was in love with some guy.

00:45:53.800 Yeah.

00:45:54.080 I always thought you guys had sex.

00:45:55.600 You know, I always thought we did.

00:45:57.660 But, dude, speaking of, what else were we talking about a second ago?

00:46:10.880 I don't know.

00:46:11.660 The steroid games?

00:46:12.800 Oh, yeah.

00:46:13.500 Did you see that Donald Trump Jr. or some group is starting steroid?

00:46:18.060 The enhanced games.

00:46:19.400 Donald Jr.

00:46:21.640 President Donald Trump's eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., is the latest to invest in the enhanced games,

00:46:26.380 which critics call the steroid Olympics.

00:46:29.040 I'd invest.

00:46:30.180 I mean, listen, steroids are extremely popular in bodybuilding.

00:46:34.340 And bodybuilding's pretty, have you ever seen natural bodybuilding?

00:46:38.500 The answer is no.

00:46:40.060 That's a good point.

00:46:42.400 You're like, okay, it's pretty fucking boring.

00:46:44.660 You look at real bodybuilding, and you're like, yeah, get, that's what I want to fucking look at.

00:46:48.920 Get on that fucking gas, dude.

00:46:50.620 Oh, I remember doing that fucking shit, boy.

00:46:52.800 Wait, what did you take?

00:46:53.420 Oh, I took, uh, um, Deca.

00:46:57.740 I took Deca, yeah, Deca.

00:46:59.880 Winstraw?

00:47:00.500 What, I think, uh, I don't know if I ever got some Winstraw.

00:47:02.980 I got whatever I could get a hold of.

00:47:04.800 Test 200.

00:47:06.020 Really?

00:47:06.560 Yeah, Test 200, Test 400.

00:47:09.180 Test, there was some, uh, I think, we, somebody, we would go on spring break, we'd go get it,

00:47:15.140 but somebody, people would always sneak it back in, like, shampoo bottles.

00:47:18.660 They would buy a bunch of steroids about pouring in shampoo bottles.

00:47:20.420 So it had, like, this fucking kind of, like, like, soapy, soapy after days.

00:47:27.060 Like, you'd be doing curls, but then you'd, like, belch a soap bubble or whatever.

00:47:31.180 Like, it was, it was really, like, every time you, like, like, if you lift it up your arms, it would, it was, it was, when you'd sweat, it would just be soapy?

00:47:40.960 It would smell like lavender or whatever, like, it was a real hybrid at the time, a hybrid type of chemical we were using.

00:47:48.240 And that was one thing that was tough about it, but it was fun using steroids because, and I shouldn't say that, I mean, it was definitely also had side effects that weren't good.

00:47:56.080 No, don't, don't buy it anyway.

00:47:57.500 Everyone makes their own fucking choices in life.

00:47:59.480 Look, I'm on testosterone out the fucking gills right now.

00:48:02.600 Are you, are you shitting me?

00:48:04.880 Dude, I fucking love it.

00:48:06.600 I jerk off every morning.

00:48:08.020 I jerk off every, if I don't have sex with my wife, my dick's hard and I'm, I'm turned on every fucking morning when I wake up.

00:48:14.960 I'm thinking about my wife, but I'm, if she's not there, like, today I jerked off, she was at, or at the gym working out, and I was, like, or at her trainer or whatever, and I was like, I'm gonna jerk off.

00:48:23.240 Yeah.

00:48:23.740 I, dude, it's awesome.

00:48:25.580 I feel alive.

00:48:26.700 I'm stronger than I've ever been in my entire life.

00:48:28.480 I'm healthier than I've ever been.

00:48:29.640 I do my liver numbers, that's all, every damage I've ever done to my liver is all repaired because testosterone's reparative to liver cells.

00:48:36.840 Yes.

00:48:37.260 It's fucking awesome.

00:48:38.980 Well, are you, I mean, are you still fat or whatever then?

00:48:42.100 Yeah.

00:48:42.720 Yeah.

00:48:43.260 Obese.

00:48:44.080 Morbid.

00:48:45.440 Okay.

00:48:46.000 I'm morbidly obese.

00:48:46.820 Okay, I just want to make sure you're still, you know, sticking with the stuff or whatever.

00:48:49.640 No, I only work out, I only work out so I can party.

00:48:52.760 Yeah.

00:48:52.900 That's it.

00:48:53.280 The only reason I work out is so tonight, if I want to, my wife says, yo, let's open a bottle of rosé.

00:48:58.860 I go, fuck yeah, because I know I was in the gym this morning, hard as shit.

00:49:01.620 I'm going to be in the gym tomorrow, hard as shit.

00:49:03.260 You look great.

00:49:04.140 I feel, I feel phenomenal.

00:49:07.820 I mean, I really feel phenomenal.

00:49:09.540 And I will tell you that I felt good when I wasn't on testosterone, but I'm just, testosterone's just giving me like a zest for life.

00:49:17.440 I think, I mean, the downfalls is like my face is redder sometimes, so like I have to get hair and makeup.

00:49:22.720 Like my face can get pretty red, but I think that's it.

00:49:24.400 From the testosterone?

00:49:25.280 I think so.

00:49:25.740 That's what someone told me.

00:49:26.640 Well, don't you, don't you lose hair though.

00:49:28.620 That'd be my concern.

00:49:29.580 No.

00:49:30.020 I mean, I don't know.

00:49:30.640 I was going to get hair transplants.

00:49:32.380 Leanne doesn't want me to.

00:49:33.180 Really?

00:49:33.420 I've gotten it before.

00:49:34.600 What?

00:49:35.380 Yeah.

00:49:35.660 A couple of years ago, I got, I had so much stress.

00:49:38.420 In the back?

00:49:38.960 That my hair started, got like thin.

00:49:41.140 Your hair looks fucking awesome.

00:49:43.100 Yeah.

00:49:43.320 It's good now.

00:49:43.960 It's clean.

00:49:44.400 Did you go to Turkey?

00:49:45.720 No, no.

00:49:46.260 I went to, I don't even remember what I did.

00:49:48.700 I did it right off of La Cienega, 50 La Cienega.

00:49:51.540 Really?

00:49:51.960 Yeah.

00:49:52.260 A good doctor though.

00:49:53.260 Yeah, pretty decent.

00:49:54.360 They take it out of the back and they just put it in the front.

00:49:57.240 It's like just reforestation or whatever.

00:49:58.760 You know, whenever they like take the plants.

00:50:00.800 That's not me, Jesus Christ.

00:50:02.480 Your hair, you've always had the thickest goddamn hair.

00:50:03.960 I mean, look at this picture.

00:50:06.360 That does kind of look like you a little bit.

00:50:08.280 Oh no, that's me, but that's not my head is the crazy part.

00:50:11.840 Oh wait, that is you.

00:50:13.040 Yeah, but it's not my head.

00:50:14.400 I never looked like this.

00:50:16.700 I thought it was, they shaved it or something.

00:50:20.780 It's my bad.

00:50:21.660 What?

00:50:23.100 That's so funny, dude.

00:50:25.280 That's crazy.

00:50:26.560 Dude, with AI now, it's like anything is possible.

00:50:29.360 What the fuck, dude?

00:50:30.620 That looks wild.

00:50:33.340 Well, this is not a before and after.

00:50:35.100 That's a thing.

00:50:36.860 Internet, make that a before and after.

00:50:38.980 Just the oats, buns, hairs, transplants.

00:50:41.160 Because, by the way, if it's not real, it doesn't bother you.

00:50:44.200 And it's fucking hysterical.

00:50:45.500 Like, if you type in Burt Kreischer fat, all the pictures have been doctored.

00:50:50.800 And they don't bother me because they're not real.

00:50:52.780 The real ones bother me.

00:50:53.980 Oh yeah.

00:50:54.420 The real ones?

00:50:56.980 Well, this is.

00:50:57.920 Is that really you?

00:50:59.280 This is really me.

00:51:00.780 This is after I got my hair transplant.

00:51:03.580 They put all this, they inject all this stuff in your head, but it starts to come down your face.

00:51:07.780 It's like pain reducers or whatever.

00:51:10.020 So at some point, you look like.

00:51:11.660 Oh my God, you look like the guy from Ghostbusters through too.

00:51:13.700 Holy shit.

00:51:16.540 Dude, I look like I fucking did a lot of cocaine.

00:51:20.500 Could you do pills, like pain pills?

00:51:24.900 Oh, I don't know if you could take ibuprofen.

00:51:26.840 I think there was something you couldn't take.

00:51:28.120 Could you take like.

00:51:29.700 Pain pills?

00:51:30.180 Yeah.

00:51:30.500 Yeah, they give you two pain pills right when you go in there.

00:51:32.760 And then they lay you down and you can watch different television shows.

00:51:35.840 My place, it was a lot of Indian entertainment that they had in there.

00:51:39.380 So it was like the shows were Bollywood.

00:51:43.300 Yeah.

00:51:45.460 I want to do that.

00:51:47.640 Dude, there's one.

00:51:48.580 Type in Bollywood motorcycle.

00:51:52.300 Motorcycle dance.

00:51:53.680 There's I was.

00:51:54.340 So for a promo, I wanted to recreate this and I was going to fly to Bollywood.

00:51:57.700 All right.

00:51:58.060 And do my promo in Bollywood.

00:52:00.840 Dude, money goes pretty far in Bollywood.

00:52:02.960 So I could pay like 10 grand and get a full fucking production.

00:52:07.040 Bollywood motorcycle dance.

00:52:08.940 That's it.

00:52:09.720 I bet that's it.

00:52:10.560 Bollywood music video.

00:52:11.880 Guy comes off a motorcycle.

00:52:13.380 These are awesome, dude.

00:52:14.620 And I was like, I'll learn the dance.

00:52:16.120 I'll get all the people.

00:52:17.700 I got to find the nevermind fucking internet.

00:52:21.920 Look at this.

00:52:22.640 This probably costs $40.

00:52:24.280 Just look at these dances.

00:52:25.500 They're so beautiful.

00:52:26.460 It's a whole movie.

00:52:27.360 Yeah.

00:52:27.540 I don't know why we don't have more of that.

00:52:29.220 I guess they tried it in Joker and it didn't work.

00:52:31.020 Well, they have a lot more joy of like.

00:52:35.860 I love this.

00:52:37.680 I bet I could do this dance pretty easy.

00:52:40.820 Well, they are.

00:52:41.460 This is a lot of people.

00:52:42.520 These people end up working at Disney World.

00:52:44.140 I think they have a Bali, Bali Disney, Bollywood Disney.

00:52:48.860 Yeah.

00:52:49.060 Do they have a Disney land in India?

00:52:50.220 They have to.

00:52:51.000 No.

00:52:51.780 I went out to dinner with a couple.

00:52:53.820 That's good.

00:52:54.500 And they go, did you, Leanne and I just went to Paris.

00:52:57.280 And they're like, oh, did you go to Disney Paris?

00:52:59.400 And I was like, no.

00:53:01.620 And they're like, why not?

00:53:02.360 And I was like, because I'm a fucking grown up.

00:53:04.200 And they're like, oh, we went.

00:53:05.460 It's so awesome.

00:53:06.160 And I went, I don't know if I could be friends with you.

00:53:09.500 Instead of going to the real Paris, you mean?

00:53:11.000 No, no, no, no, no, no.

00:53:12.480 They went to Paris and then went to Disney in Paris.

00:53:16.400 Oh.

00:53:17.060 As opposed to just being in Paris.

00:53:18.720 They went to Disney in Paris.

00:53:21.980 Like, why go all the way there?

00:53:23.980 It's the same fucking Disney.

00:53:25.440 Go to Orlando.

00:53:26.520 Save some fucking money.

00:53:27.720 Stay here.

00:53:28.380 Stay here and go to fucking Disney for the day.

00:53:30.640 They went to fucking Paris and then went to Disney World and saw Mickey Mouse.

00:53:35.720 Who, by the way, just is Mickey Mouse.

00:53:38.100 It's the same fucking Mickey Mouse.

00:53:40.340 They're like, it was amazing.

00:53:41.120 Can you imagine?

00:53:43.920 No, I can't imagine.

00:53:45.280 But then sometimes, actually, I went to China one time or somewhere and I had to get McDonald's.

00:53:49.980 Okay, that's fine.

00:53:50.880 That's totally fine.

00:53:51.940 That's like, hey, man, this is my culture.

00:53:53.380 I want to see how you represent my culture.

00:53:54.720 Yeah.

00:53:55.880 But going to see Mickey.

00:53:57.320 You go to fucking Australia and go to Outback Steakhouse.

00:54:00.380 Good day.

00:54:00.700 Come on, what the fuck are we talking about?

00:54:02.640 God damn it.

00:54:03.720 Yeah, I don't.

00:54:04.260 Listen, when I travel, I like to do.

00:54:06.660 I don't want to get up and crack it on and do a ton of shit.

00:54:10.660 I want to sleep in.

00:54:11.560 I want to wake up.

00:54:12.460 I want to go to the cafe, have a coffee, walk around, have some lunch, maybe some snails,

00:54:16.500 a couple beers, keep walking around.

00:54:18.240 And then at a certain hour, I go, let's start bar hopping around the city.

00:54:21.060 That's the fun way to do it.

00:54:22.180 And then a nice big dinner.

00:54:23.460 Close it out at like two in the morning.

00:54:24.760 Know you can sleep in the next day.

00:54:26.000 Wake up, go for a jog.

00:54:27.200 That's what I'm talking about.

00:54:27.980 You will not find me at fucking Paris Disney.

00:54:30.380 Damn.

00:54:31.160 You heard it right there, Disney.

00:54:33.020 You heard it.

00:54:34.360 Don't even come after him.

00:54:36.100 Do you, oh, I want to talk about that Stairway to the Olympics a little bit.

00:54:38.820 Go back to it because I'm just curious about this.

00:54:40.860 This is going to be fucking awesome, dude.

00:54:42.860 Well, I'm just intrigued.

00:54:44.360 I think we're going to start seeing more.

00:54:45.760 I've long wanted to do a game show of like stereotypes versus each other, right?

00:54:49.400 Like there's like Family Feud.

00:54:50.940 It's like the Ronsons versus the Hamiltons, right?

00:54:54.040 But I want to see like the gays versus the Yiddish or whatever, you know?

00:54:58.180 Like I want to see like dark blacks versus bakers.

00:55:03.240 Wait, can I, can I soft pitch you more ideas within the same context?

00:55:07.020 Yeah.

00:55:07.340 What if, right?

00:55:09.000 You don't know what the other team you're playing against is.

00:55:12.260 And in playing the game, you got to guess what they are.

00:55:14.980 So like they're, all their answers are one way.

00:55:17.500 So you're like, where's the best place to vacation?

00:55:21.280 And you hear a bunch of people go, you're the team you're playing against said Jamaica.

00:55:27.300 Yeah.

00:55:27.740 And then the other one's like.

00:55:28.580 Or Birmingham.

00:55:29.560 Yeah.

00:55:29.880 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:55:30.400 And so then, and then the whole goal is to play the game and try to answer your questions

00:55:34.900 as honest as possible, but try to guess who the other people are.

00:55:38.280 Okay.

00:55:38.620 Nevermind.

00:55:39.280 Bad pitch.

00:55:39.740 Cause you can just lie and, and misdirect people.

00:55:42.040 Keep going.

00:55:42.560 But maybe that's part of, there could be a strategy in there that that's how you do it.

00:55:45.940 But I would love to see the stereotype games.

00:55:47.700 I think that that's where we're definitely headed soon, like asshole kids, like ADHD

00:55:52.800 kids versus, uh, or whatever, you know, that's not, we got to take that one out, but

00:55:59.560 ADHD kids versus autistic kids.

00:56:01.660 Yes.

00:56:02.040 That'd be great, dude.

00:56:02.980 And autistic kids don't need to talk.

00:56:04.540 They do mental telepathy.

00:56:05.900 Yeah.

00:56:06.200 They don't talk anymore.

00:56:07.040 They just, just saw a documentary on that.

00:56:09.940 Google it.

00:56:10.580 And, and you put the two of them against each other.

00:56:13.020 It'd be fucking great.

00:56:13.700 Great.

00:56:13.900 But I think there's a lot of like kids suffering from smallpox versus.

00:56:17.700 Fat kids or whatever.

00:56:19.160 What about this game show?

00:56:20.320 All right.

00:56:21.160 It's, um, it's you fuck what you get.

00:56:26.020 Okay.

00:56:26.540 That's the name of the pitch.

00:56:27.580 So a guy goes up.

00:56:28.960 Okay.

00:56:29.400 Like we bring up Theo Vaughn and you have a room full of a hundred women and you guys,

00:56:34.120 guys, ladies, uh, on your, by your chair, you'll see a little panel, um, on a scale

00:56:39.860 of one to 10 rate Theo Vaughn.

00:56:41.520 You can present yourself.

00:56:42.300 My name's Theo.

00:56:42.720 I grew up in Louisiana.

00:56:43.620 I'm a standup comedian.

00:56:44.640 I have a podcast.

00:56:45.940 I'm, you know, I'm on tour.

00:56:47.780 I'm just in a morning, March, born in March.

00:56:50.120 Yeah.

00:56:50.400 Give him your sign.

00:56:51.080 My birthday comes out the day after your special does.

00:56:52.780 I liked it for March 19th.

00:56:54.320 For real.

00:56:54.720 He said March 18th.

00:56:55.500 Yeah.

00:56:55.720 Yeah.

00:56:56.020 March 18th.

00:56:56.660 Nice.

00:56:56.820 Um, and then, and then you go ladies rate, rate, rate, rate him on what you think.

00:57:02.520 And so they go, Theo Vaughn is an eight and you go, cool.

00:57:05.640 Now Theo has already pre-rated every single one of you.

00:57:08.740 So look back at your panel and see what number you are.

00:57:11.280 And they look and they're like, shit, I'm a six.

00:57:12.800 He goes, everyone below an eight, get the fuck out.

00:57:15.380 So it just thins out the herd.

00:57:16.900 And you're like, all right, you are what Theo is willing to fuck.

00:57:20.420 Now Theo, this is the group of eights that think they're your equal.

00:57:26.100 You can either fuck one of the eights or you can go for a 10.

00:57:30.520 And if you, if you pick the 10, you've got to go to Paris Disney.

00:57:34.620 That's your vacation.

00:57:35.560 You got to go to Paris Disney.

00:57:36.700 But if you pick the eight, we're going to send you to Bali and you're going to be on

00:57:39.920 the beach all week.

00:57:40.780 You can fuck a 10, the fucking hottest out of your league.

00:57:43.700 You can't get her by number standards.

00:57:45.400 You can't get her.

00:57:45.940 And then you take the two of them on the date and you pick who they are.

00:57:48.080 What do you think?

00:57:48.500 What do you think?

00:57:49.000 I just like the idea of rating people.

00:57:50.900 I go ball.

00:57:51.900 I go with an eight to Bali.

00:57:53.080 I go with an eight to Bali too.

00:57:54.320 I did with a six to Bali.

00:57:55.840 Did you really?

00:57:56.640 I would.

00:57:57.040 I like more my wife, but I don't know.

00:57:58.400 She's like more like a six and a half.

00:57:59.900 Is she?

00:58:00.340 I think so.

00:58:00.880 I think she's getting prettier the older she gets.

00:58:02.340 You know what?

00:58:03.560 I thought that the other day.

00:58:04.940 I didn't think like that.

00:58:05.860 I just thought, oh, Leanne looks so pretty.

00:58:07.400 That's my thought.

00:58:08.080 Can I do a secret time?

00:58:09.040 Yeah.

00:58:10.080 One of my favorite things in the world.

00:58:12.960 I don't know if you did it on purpose or I don't know how it came out, but I've said it

00:58:16.160 a number of times.

00:58:17.660 She did her live podcast at a Zany's and you came by to say hi and support her.

00:58:21.420 Oh yeah.

00:58:21.700 And she called me bawling crying.

00:58:25.060 She goes, you know, she goes that I was so nervous and I was so, you know, I feel like

00:58:30.080 I'm in a different space and I'm doing my podcast and it, you know, and, and she goes,

00:58:34.460 baby, I was, I just, I had to leave in the middle and go to do a show in Cincinnati or

00:58:39.520 something.

00:58:39.820 And she called crying.

00:58:40.980 She goes, Theo came.

00:58:42.520 And I went, what?

00:58:43.100 And she goes, Theo came.

00:58:44.160 She goes, that's why I love the people you've surrounded yourself because they're real people.

00:58:48.760 She goes, Theo Vaughn came out to show me love and give me support.

00:58:52.060 And I was, I got emotional telling it.

00:58:53.660 Cause I was like, I was like, that's what you want.

00:58:55.780 You want to surround yourself with people that care about you and it's just not about a business.

00:59:00.100 Yeah.

00:59:00.420 And I, but thank you for doing that.

00:59:02.240 That was the sweetest thing you could have ever done.

00:59:04.080 Yeah.

00:59:04.280 I forgot that I did that, but I did do that.

00:59:06.100 Yeah.

00:59:06.420 Of course you did.

00:59:07.200 That's who you are.

00:59:09.020 Sometimes you forget things.

00:59:10.240 That's it.

00:59:11.220 That's it.

00:59:11.680 You found it.

00:59:12.420 God, you're good.

00:59:13.660 Can I hire your team?

00:59:15.220 Sure.

00:59:15.600 It only took them 11 minutes.

00:59:18.240 Look at this.

00:59:18.880 Look at this.

00:59:19.200 I'm joking.

00:59:19.960 Promo video for my new tour coming.

00:59:22.040 Right.

00:59:22.760 Do this in Bollywood.

00:59:24.360 Watch this guy.

00:59:24.960 Watch this guy.

00:59:25.500 He's good, Theo.

00:59:26.120 Oh my God.

00:59:30.420 Look at this.

00:59:33.400 Turkish hairlines, huh?

00:59:34.880 Look at this.

00:59:35.100 Look at this, Theo.

00:59:39.140 How great is this?

00:59:41.500 So good.

00:59:48.680 God, I would have been the best Indian.

00:59:50.620 You would have.

00:59:51.000 Your hair?

00:59:51.680 That wind blowing in your hair?

00:59:53.180 And I think just my attitude.

00:59:54.720 I would have had a good time over there.

00:59:56.380 You think so?

00:59:57.040 Yeah.

00:59:57.660 Theo, you would have never left your castle.

01:00:01.380 Are you going to AI Theo's face in it?

01:00:03.860 I was going to do you, but.

01:00:05.100 Do me.

01:00:05.420 Do me.

01:00:05.720 Do me.

01:00:06.040 Do me.

01:00:06.260 Do me.

01:00:06.580 Yeah, do vert.

01:00:06.960 Yeah, please do it.

01:00:07.420 Hey, wait.

01:00:07.940 Think about it.

01:00:08.300 This looks like AI.

01:00:09.160 This isn't AI.

01:00:10.220 You would have never left your.

01:00:11.260 No, it's just Indians, dude.

01:00:12.140 I would have found a way out.

01:00:14.180 You can't.

01:00:15.520 That's India.

01:00:16.760 I would have found a way.

01:00:18.240 No.

01:00:18.460 That's our movie, dude.

01:00:19.400 Cast Travelers.

01:00:20.700 Or something.

01:00:21.120 Or cast.

01:00:22.480 Time Casters.

01:00:23.820 Time Casters.

01:00:26.940 You know, I like to save money.

01:00:29.020 I do.

01:00:29.560 I like to make money and I like to keep it and put it somewhere safe.

01:00:33.880 I don't like taking a ton of risks.

01:00:35.740 I don't like a, I don't like a lot of uncertainty.

01:00:40.720 And that's why I do like Acorns.

01:00:43.180 I've really come to admire this company.

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01:01:50.840 Paid non-client endorsement.

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01:01:54.680 Investing involves risks.

01:01:55.440 Acorn Advisors, LLC, and SEC registered investment advisor.

01:01:57.640 View important disclosures at acorns.com slash Theo.

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01:03:10.540 What does the future hold for your business?

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01:04:29.620 That's right, netsuite.com slash Theo.

01:04:33.960 Are you going to do more movies?

01:04:35.740 Did you like it?

01:04:36.780 We're making our movie right now.

01:04:38.300 You just made it.

01:04:39.160 We've got still five days left.

01:04:40.700 Oh, for real?

01:04:41.240 Yeah.

01:04:41.480 I didn't know that.

01:04:42.320 I don't know.

01:04:42.800 We'll see.

01:04:43.260 I am happy that we did it.

01:04:46.460 Can I ask you an honest question?

01:04:47.920 Yeah, 100%, man.

01:04:48.980 This is why I don't do, I shouldn't say this out loud, but this is why I only do my projects.

01:04:54.400 Because I noticed that I have, for lack of a better word, bad interior thoughts when I'm not in control.

01:05:02.360 Yeah.

01:05:02.860 And I don't, I'm not good at it.

01:05:04.820 So like I did something for someone one time, and the whole time, in my head, I was like, I'm wasting my fucking life.

01:05:10.120 I'm wasting my life, I'm in fucking makeup, and no one's treating me with respect, and I'm fucking, and I was like, I'm just sitting in a goddamn trailer waiting for some 18-year-old to come and tell me it's time, and I can't walk around, and I was like, I'm wasting my fucking life.

01:05:22.940 And a friend of mine said, just give me your heads up, notice this in yourself, and don't allow yourself in that situation, so you'll get a bad rap.

01:05:30.720 It's what they're saying happened with that chick and that dude, is that they didn't, they just-

01:05:34.900 Blake Lively or whatever?

01:05:35.560 Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

01:05:36.540 But I'm team Blake Lively, I like her, I think.

01:05:38.500 Yeah, I don't even know what happened, it just seemed like rich people being fucking rich or whatever.

01:05:42.880 But like, but did you, in doing it, did you, because I know how internal you are, and I know how kind of pensive you are, did you, were there parts of it where you're like, okay, if I do this again, I'm not doing that?

01:05:53.520 Oh, for sure, I think there's some of that I'm still learning, yeah, like there's just like certain like ways to like do the script differently, to like certain, have less scripts, we'd have more time to shoot certain scenes, like that's one thing, it's like we just kind of run out of time, you know, so it's like we can't, you know, so you know, you can only get so much coverages or whatever.

01:06:20.440 What else? I don't know if I would ever do the acting again, I would like to do the producing or writing, but I do, I only like to, I'm gonna say, I just only want to do things that I am in control of, right?

01:06:35.780 Because for me, it's just, I don't want somebody else to have control of how I look or seem. I don't want somebody else to have a say, I don't want anybody to have any ownership over my voice.

01:06:47.300 That's, that's it for me. It's like, when I was a kid, I felt like I didn't have, I couldn't speak up for myself or something like that. I don't know what it is. But internally, somewhere in there, that's what it is for me. So it's like, I don't want to have to say anybody else's lines, I just want to do what I want to do. And if I live or die on that, then that's fine. But at least it's just me, you know?

01:07:07.460 Do you ever run into the situation where you get hired for something, they want you to come in and do something, and then they're like, try to like script it for you a little bit? Like my example is like, they'll be like, you're gonna take your shirt off, right? And I was like, I don't know. Maybe. I mean, I don't know. It's fucking 10 degrees out here. And they're like, okay, but it's coming off though, right? It's like, maybe you just come out and you rip your shirt off and be like, kill a beer. And I'm like, I also talk.

01:07:29.840 Yeah. But it's like, it's sometimes you get, especially if you get a little big, you get kind of typecast as, you know, as a producer, they go like, so you'll just like, they did it today. And we're like, he's just come in like a hurricane, like with his hands going up like this. And he'd be like, and, but there was no, did they, do you find that happening to you ever?

01:07:46.000 No, I don't do anything. I only do our own stuff. Like I don't ever do anything that I don't, I don't ever do anything else except for like our own things. So me and Spade wrote that movie. I knew that he's a great actor, one of the funniest guys I know. So he would be able to carry it. I'm like the second guy who like is kind of, we're just, it's like a dumb buddy movie.

01:08:10.480 And so I never put myself in a position where somebody has to be like, you have to do something like this, you know, because it goes back to your reason. I learned I don't do well in that situation. Like, you know, I tried to do a, um, Chris Pratt had asked me to be in a movie years ago and I had to leave once I got there because once I, they didn't give you the script till you got there. And so once I got the script and stuff, I realized, oh, this isn't, it just doesn't fit for me. It doesn't work with who I want to be there.

01:08:34.480 How hard is that to do?

01:08:35.980 To leave?

01:08:36.700 Yeah.

01:08:36.900 Oh, it definitely was hard. It was a hard, like, you know, text to send.

01:08:40.360 I sent it all in caps so they would know I was serious about it or whatever, but yeah, it was fucking, wait, what, how did it go?

01:08:46.660 Did the movie come out?

01:08:47.620 Huh?

01:08:47.960 What movie was it?

01:08:48.540 Yeah. Tomorrow War.

01:08:50.740 Was it a movie of Tomorrow War?

01:08:52.520 No.

01:08:53.760 And when I watched it back, I ended up realizing I made the best choice for myself.

01:08:56.980 It took 12 weeks.

01:08:58.260 Wait, with Tom Cruise?

01:09:00.340 Dude, that's damn Chris Pratt, brother.

01:09:02.440 That's Chris Pratt?

01:09:03.220 Yeah, it's a new, yeah.

01:09:06.320 The Tomorrow War.

01:09:07.600 What was that about?

01:09:09.200 It's about.

01:09:10.220 On Amazon?

01:09:11.340 People went in the past.

01:09:14.940 I can't even remember.

01:09:15.960 It was kind of confusing.

01:09:17.460 But it was great.

01:09:18.320 It was fun.

01:09:18.880 I'm glad that I got to do it.

01:09:21.120 Sorry, I'm glad I didn't get to do it.

01:09:22.680 Jesus.

01:09:23.460 But I saw Chris.

01:09:25.740 Who ended up playing you?

01:09:27.460 Just someone.

01:09:28.040 They just moved the lines over to some other guy.

01:09:29.880 Oh, they didn't like.

01:09:30.420 I tried to get Josh Wolfe in it, I remember, as a substitute.

01:09:33.040 But they just moved the lines over to a different character.

01:09:35.520 But when I watched it back, the guy had two lines.

01:09:38.060 And I would have been there for 12 weeks.

01:09:40.060 It just wasn't a good fit, right?

01:09:41.620 The first movie I ever heard, a friend did, Tom did a movie with Mark Wahlberg.

01:09:46.000 No, Mark Wahlberg.

01:09:47.760 Yeah.

01:09:48.320 And he was there for like five weeks.

01:09:51.160 And I was like, oh, cool.

01:09:53.120 So you're in a lot of scenes?

01:09:53.960 He's like, I'm in like two scenes.

01:09:55.440 I was like, you're there for five fucking weeks?

01:09:57.220 He's like, yeah.

01:09:57.900 That's part of making a movie.

01:09:58.740 I was like, well, I guess I'm not making a movie.

01:10:00.580 And then I was like, I'm not going to fucking sit in a hotel for five weeks?

01:10:05.640 You've got to be kidding me.

01:10:06.720 I like.

01:10:07.720 Yeah, that was the thing.

01:10:08.680 It was a long time.

01:10:09.720 And it was in Atlanta.

01:10:10.420 And also, I didn't know anybody on the set except for Marilyn Rice was there.

01:10:13.820 And I'd met only Chris Pratt just through Instagram messages.

01:10:17.580 So I'd never met him.

01:10:18.560 Yeah.

01:10:19.080 So that's an easy text to send then.

01:10:21.160 Yeah, it was chill.

01:10:21.920 And I actually did call the director, too.

01:10:23.740 And I called him and just shared what I thought.

01:10:27.100 And they were cool about it.

01:10:28.840 But then there was like a thing like in Hollywood, like this guy might back out of your movie.

01:10:32.120 So I was like, I don't fucking care, dude.

01:10:34.040 As long as I was cool with Chris and everything was fine, it was fine with me.

01:10:37.380 You know, but that's when I realized, oh, I can't do something if it's not my own thing.

01:10:43.320 And I'm not going to be able to say, oh, we're keeping that or we're not keeping that or I don't want to be seen like that or this sort of thing.

01:10:50.040 Then I just can't do that for me.

01:10:52.080 It's just how I work.

01:10:52.980 You know, when I got back from Serbia, someone had written a part in a TV show for me.

01:10:56.380 And they text me like, yo, I wrote a part for you.

01:10:58.260 And I was like, oh, I'm not going to do it.

01:11:00.480 He's like, we haven't even read it.

01:11:01.420 And I was like, I know that.

01:11:02.480 But it's not my show.

01:11:03.440 Yeah.

01:11:03.740 He was like, but hold on.

01:11:04.700 Hang on.

01:11:05.300 I wrote it for you.

01:11:06.320 And I went, OK, I don't know what to tell you.

01:11:08.360 But I can just tell you that if I go on to your show, I'm going to have feelings and I'm probably not going to be great.

01:11:14.540 And I'm going to be in a fucking different city for my family.

01:11:16.760 And I just got back from Serbia and I kind of want to go on tour and I kind of want to do my podcast.

01:11:20.780 And I kind of want to like, I don't want to go into another set and then play a, you know, fat guy that fucking want to eat Snort's Coke or whatever.

01:11:27.240 Yeah.

01:11:27.720 And so he was like, and I was like, and I'm friends with you.

01:11:30.720 And right now it seems we're friends.

01:11:32.480 Right.

01:11:32.660 Let's just keep the friendship.

01:11:33.560 And then we don't have to work together.

01:11:35.160 Yeah.

01:11:35.520 It's funny because it's like if I was younger, I would have been totally opposite.

01:11:40.340 I would have been like, yeah, yeah, you're my friend right apart for me.

01:11:42.580 And now I'm just like, no, please don't write apart for me.

01:11:44.620 Yeah, I think it's, I'm trying to think a little bit more about it.

01:11:48.720 I mean, this was like, I just remember thinking because we wrote it and then we, we, nobody wanted to direct it.

01:11:54.200 Nobody wanted to help us with it.

01:11:55.740 No agent, no producers.

01:11:58.200 Are you kidding?

01:11:59.280 Can we, for anyone listening, that's how tough Hollywood is right now.

01:12:04.280 Right now they are not making movies.

01:12:06.240 No, I think they just didn't.

01:12:07.340 And also like they don't want, I don't know if they don't want certain people to have voices.

01:12:10.300 It seemed easier for other people to make movies.

01:12:13.260 Right.

01:12:13.540 I'll say that.

01:12:14.240 But also.

01:12:15.100 Wait, wait, I know what you're saying.

01:12:16.840 Yeah.

01:12:17.180 Yeah.

01:12:17.460 It seemed easier for other people to make movies.

01:12:20.400 But.

01:12:21.320 You mean, you mean two cisgendered white privileged males had a hard time selling a movie in Hollywood.

01:12:28.860 But.

01:12:29.440 That's the funniest fucking thing that there's, because there is semi-true to that.

01:12:34.280 But, but also we have had opportunities our entire life.

01:12:36.420 But also it's like, you talk to any fucking writer, any writer in Hollywood, who's like

01:12:41.480 50, a dude who's white, they cannot get a job.

01:12:46.200 Like they cannot work.

01:12:47.480 And they're, and they lose.

01:12:49.140 And these are all liberals.

01:12:50.620 Yeah.

01:12:50.860 Like you gotta realize, a Hollywood liberal writer, man, he's fucking storming the Capitol

01:12:56.220 about those goddamn scripts.

01:12:57.740 That's crazy.

01:12:58.360 It's crazy.

01:12:58.960 I talked to any of them.

01:13:00.000 They're all like fucking, dude, whatever's happening in Hollywood.

01:13:03.640 I was like, you've had a good run.

01:13:05.540 Yeah.

01:13:05.880 I think, well, I just, then it was like, well, we have to do.

01:13:08.540 It was like, I don't like thinking that if you say I can't do it, there's a part of

01:13:14.220 me that wants to just show you that I can do it.

01:13:17.020 Right.

01:13:17.180 Like I don't, I'm not a great actor.

01:13:19.440 Right.

01:13:19.700 I know that.

01:13:20.320 And that's fine with me.

01:13:21.160 I wouldn't say that.

01:13:21.900 Well, I wouldn't say that.

01:13:22.800 I have some, it's not real.

01:13:23.920 I have some moments that are good in this thing, but it's not.

01:13:26.620 The fucking therapy movie are awesome.

01:13:27.940 That's sweet of you.

01:13:28.880 Yeah.

01:13:29.040 It was easier for me to play like a disgruntled person kind of than I think.

01:13:32.860 Um, like a dumb buddy kind of thing for some reason I've felt like that.

01:13:38.940 But then also I'm like going back and looking at the things and I'm like thinking of what

01:13:43.020 else needs to be in this scene.

01:13:44.080 My, like my mind's kind of like all over the place, but I do think that it's funny.

01:13:48.040 The script is super funny.

01:13:49.760 Um, I'm curious to see how it was shot, how that plays out and stuff.

01:13:53.420 So, and I'm just glad that I think when I look back on my life, you know, I'll be glad

01:13:58.600 that I got to do a movie with David Spade and, and it's like, yeah, we funded ourself.

01:14:06.380 We funded ourself.

01:14:07.240 We did like, we did it all.

01:14:08.160 It's like, it was crazy.

01:14:09.580 That's wild to me because you guys are, I mean, David is a legend.

01:14:12.640 David is a legend.

01:14:13.580 David Spade is like, I always think.

01:14:17.720 He's a legend.

01:14:18.440 When you look at like SNL, right?

01:14:20.020 Did you watch 50 years?

01:14:21.880 Yeah, I was there.

01:14:22.600 You were there?

01:14:22.960 No, I was there for the 50th, uh, I was there Friday and Saturday night.

01:14:27.100 Okay.

01:14:27.920 Um, but when you watch it, it's pretty epic.

01:14:30.180 You know, I will say SNL's 50th is a lot better if you're 50 because you watched a lot of it.

01:14:35.720 Yeah.

01:14:36.040 If you're, if you're 20 years old, you're like, I don't get why these racist.

01:14:39.680 Yeah.

01:14:39.800 Like where's Timothy Chalamet?

01:14:40.820 Yeah.

01:14:40.980 Where's Timothy Chalamet?

01:14:42.240 How come Pete Davidson is not in more sketches?

01:14:44.260 Where's, uh, where's fucking, you know, uh, Chapel Rhone.

01:14:47.420 Chapel Rhone.

01:14:48.380 And, uh, but, but when you watch it and you're older, you're like, oh, I remember Eddie Murphy.

01:14:53.080 Eddie Murphy and Will Ferrell and Kenan Thompson were fucking gold.

01:14:58.340 Eddie Murphy doing, uh, uh, uh, Tracy Morgan.

01:15:05.340 Did you see that?

01:15:06.300 I saw the skit with Eddie Murphy and Tracy, Black Jeopardy, you mean?

01:15:09.420 Yeah.

01:15:09.840 Yeah.

01:15:10.000 Where Eddie Murphy was playing Tracy Morgan next to Tracy Morgan.

01:15:13.520 It was so fucking.

01:15:14.500 Maybe I didn't pick up that that's what it was.

01:15:16.040 Oh.

01:15:17.480 Wait, did you see it?

01:15:18.420 Yeah.

01:15:19.540 Yeah.

01:15:19.900 I saw this right here.

01:15:20.720 Yeah.

01:15:20.940 Leslie Jones.

01:15:21.600 Did you see the name Tracy underneath it?

01:15:23.480 Oh, I saw.

01:15:24.420 Oh, now I get it.

01:15:26.140 Wait, what did you think he was doing?

01:15:27.980 I didn't know what he was doing.

01:15:29.280 I just thought he was doing Tracy Chapman or whatever.

01:15:31.780 No, it wasn't Tracy Chapman.

01:15:34.240 It was, this was my favorite sketch ever.

01:15:36.600 We can't play it because it'll get docked.

01:15:38.180 Yeah.

01:15:38.400 They will blame it.

01:15:39.580 Sorry.

01:15:39.800 But it, dude, it is, it, it was great.

01:15:42.960 What was I saying?

01:15:43.500 But David Spade is like, when you look at, so when you look at comedy history, right?

01:15:47.740 Yeah.

01:15:47.980 When they, when they talk about comedy history, now it's kind of, it's kind of interesting,

01:15:52.020 I think, because you look back at the last 50 years.

01:15:55.380 Yeah.

01:15:55.640 And there's only like a handful of names, but, but, but legends that'll like Belzer,

01:16:01.860 he'll be remembered.

01:16:02.760 Richard Belzer.

01:16:03.440 Yeah.

01:16:03.720 And, uh, uh, Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, these Eddie Murphy built Richard Pryor, Sam

01:16:09.240 Kinison, Carl LeBove will be remembered.

01:16:11.100 Like there, he was one of the outlaws of comedy.

01:16:13.380 And then when you look at our generation, we're so thick with comics, like so thick.

01:16:17.880 There's so many fucking comics right now that a lot of us are going to get forgotten and

01:16:22.400 lost in conversation.

01:16:23.620 David Spade will not be lost in conversation out of all the SNL people.

01:16:27.840 He, he has had one of the most probably fucking crystal clear, pristine, hysterical, his movies

01:16:39.300 will fucking forever be talked about.

01:16:41.880 Tommy boy, black sheep, uh, meet Joe dirt, uh, the fucking all he's a legend.

01:16:48.740 And to make a movie with him is like, that's the coolest thing you ever, like you're ever

01:16:52.760 going to get to do.

01:16:53.440 Yeah.

01:16:53.580 That's what I felt like.

01:16:54.400 I was like, I just, I have to do it.

01:16:56.340 And we made it ourselves.

01:16:57.560 It's like, we made it.

01:16:58.400 It's like, we don't have anybody telling us what to do.

01:17:01.260 And that's what I realized.

01:17:02.040 I was like, Oh, if I, if we say it went in the script and it went in the script and it

01:17:05.360 went on the screen, if I had to go through a beat on a set to go ask somebody,

01:17:09.300 for permission to do it that way, then I wouldn't be able to do it.

01:17:12.820 Right.

01:17:13.040 I just, I wouldn't, I, I, like you're saying, I just know it would not react well with me

01:17:17.700 viscerally.

01:17:18.460 And if someone's like, Theo, I don't get it.

01:17:20.060 You'd be like, hold on.

01:17:21.060 Hang on.

01:17:21.520 I hit dingers.

01:17:22.500 Like, like I, what I do is just tell jokes and I'm just funny.

01:17:25.600 So trust me that if I think it's funny, let me just try.

01:17:28.520 And a lot of people will be like, ah, I don't know.

01:17:31.360 Yeah.

01:17:31.680 I couldn't have, especially like when you see a lot of the funny, like, but also I got to see

01:17:36.020 how this thing is, how it looks when it's done.

01:17:37.720 Like, I have no fucking clue.

01:17:39.560 The script is super funny.

01:17:41.220 We put all our own jokes in it.

01:17:42.780 We wrote it for two years.

01:17:43.980 Like we definitely, so, but I have no clue how it goes from doing the scenes, which are

01:17:49.000 all done out of order to then it being an actual, you know, how it like that.

01:17:54.320 I cannot, my brain can't matric or like figure all that out.

01:17:58.360 But like, um, but we had some funny, but yeah, like Nate Diaz has a role in it.

01:18:02.300 I saw, I saw Nate posted about it today.

01:18:04.000 Oh, Tim Dillon has, it plays, uh, the manager.

01:18:07.640 Bobby Lee.

01:18:08.260 Bobby Lee came in and did a guest star.

01:18:10.000 Tim Patterson.

01:18:10.560 Yep.

01:18:10.960 We got, uh, William McCullough.

01:18:12.340 William, uh, Montgomery.

01:18:13.500 Montgomery.

01:18:13.960 Casey Rockett, some of the Kill Tony guys.

01:18:15.700 And there's some others, some other also like great actors and stuff.

01:18:18.180 But then we also didn't want to overdo it and have everybody you knew.

01:18:21.560 There's Spadey right there and, uh, and Nate Diaz, dude.

01:18:25.600 Fucking hilarious.

01:18:26.400 That's a picture I saw.

01:18:27.460 Oh yeah.

01:18:27.920 That was cool, dude.

01:18:29.900 That was so much fun.

01:18:31.080 And I think I'll look back and be like, man, this thing was cost you a ton of money and

01:18:35.280 it wasn't worth it.

01:18:36.140 But man, you had a fucking good time.

01:18:37.720 That's what I think.

01:18:38.440 When I, when I, when I did, uh, when I did the machine, the very first night I was like,

01:18:42.780 I'm not going to drink.

01:18:43.500 There's Chris Avila right there.

01:18:45.320 That's Nate's buddy.

01:18:47.100 Um, but it's, I mean, it's a real, like when you're there, you're like, damn, this is a real

01:18:50.840 movie.

01:18:51.440 Yeah.

01:18:51.880 And I have one thing I got on set was ice bath and sauna.

01:18:56.460 Really?

01:18:57.040 There's a portable company and they have ice bath and sauna and they bring it and they set

01:19:02.460 it up right there.

01:19:03.300 For real?

01:19:03.680 And that was like the one thing.

01:19:04.920 Cause I knew I wasn't gonna be able to go to a ton of AA meetings.

01:19:07.260 So I was like, I'm going to have to have something to like hijack my system to like help me.

01:19:12.860 So I don't, you know, you know, or shot a place up never.

01:19:19.700 But it's like, you don't want to get there in front of a bunch of people, you know, especially

01:19:23.360 around your friends.

01:19:23.920 When was the last, when was the last time you fell off the wagon?

01:19:26.580 Oh man.

01:19:27.860 Uh, what's, what's it like when you re like the morning after is it, is it like shameful

01:19:33.900 or do you go like, like, is it cause that's the only reason I never quit drinking is I don't

01:19:37.920 want to fucking, I don't want to relapse.

01:19:40.020 Like that, like honestly, my biggest problem with when I quit drinking is getting back

01:19:44.920 to drinking is so difficult cause you, you're doing so well and you're like, I'm feel good.

01:19:48.900 I'm losing weight.

01:19:49.480 I feel fucking happy.

01:19:50.360 Like, well, I don't want to drink.

01:19:51.700 And then you're like, yeah, but I'm on a cruise and a champagne.

01:19:54.100 And then the next morning it's just like, the fuck you, you let everyone down.

01:19:58.300 Although no one's let down cause I never quit drinking.

01:20:00.320 Right.

01:20:00.720 So like, but like, Oh, I see that pressure of letting everybody down.

01:20:03.480 That's why, that's my pressure is why I'm terrified to quit drinking.

01:20:06.480 So you're afraid to quit drinking because you don't want to, cause then if you relapse

01:20:09.740 and you'll have let everybody down.

01:20:11.380 Yeah.

01:20:12.000 That's crazy.

01:20:14.060 I thought you were going to say it was brilliant.

01:20:16.500 No, it's like the same way.

01:20:17.580 Like you ever see, you ever see someone that loses weight, right?

01:20:20.660 Yeah.

01:20:20.940 And they're like, I lost like 90 pounds.

01:20:22.720 You're like, cool.

01:20:23.380 And then they gain it back plus some.

01:20:25.480 And you're like, Oh, you should have never tried to lose weight.

01:20:27.480 You should have just stayed that fat.

01:20:28.660 That fat was good for you.

01:20:30.000 Well, you see people losing weight and suddenly it feels like the person that's been inside

01:20:33.680 them is finally coming out to play or whatever.

01:20:35.640 You start to see that coming to the surface, like a fish coming to the surface.

01:20:38.900 You know, sometimes sometimes you see that.

01:20:41.280 Sometimes people lose weight and they're like, and you're like, I like to have fat.

01:20:44.460 Oh yeah.

01:20:45.140 I knew a guy like that.

01:20:46.180 He used to clean the pool over at my friend's house.

01:20:48.240 And one time I was there catching some rays and he shows up and I hadn't seen him in forever

01:20:53.180 and he'd lost 170 pounds or something.

01:20:55.320 This dude comes in and, uh, and he, he's walking around the pool and I'm like, and he kind of

01:21:03.160 looking at me, but he didn't say anything because I knew the fat pool guy.

01:21:05.840 Yeah.

01:21:06.580 I knew him well.

01:21:07.340 So you're looking for the fat pool guy.

01:21:08.680 No, I could.

01:21:09.300 Yeah.

01:21:09.440 This is like, maybe it's his brother, his son, or maybe they got a new guy.

01:21:12.500 I didn't say anything to the dude.

01:21:14.340 So we're out there around each other for like 45 minutes and didn't say anything.

01:21:16.380 And then later that evening I was like, man, you guys got a new pool guy.

01:21:18.920 And they're like, no, that's the same guy.

01:21:21.540 He lost 190 pounds.

01:21:22.860 I was like, fuck.

01:21:23.880 Isn't that crazy?

01:21:24.680 You can change.

01:21:26.220 Cause when you lose weight, you kind of change your personality.

01:21:28.580 Oh yeah.

01:21:29.300 Like when you, cause there's a narcissism.

01:21:31.400 And by the way, I'm, I take what I'm with every grain of salt.

01:21:34.240 There's a narcissism about a person who decides weight loss is going to be their thing.

01:21:39.180 I'm going to get real skinny.

01:21:40.380 I want to get ripped.

01:21:41.140 Like it's okay to get healthy.

01:21:42.680 But like when you go like, and look, if you're 400 pounds, that's not narcissism.

01:21:46.200 That's just getting yourself to the next level.

01:21:47.920 But you can change your personality when you lose weight.

01:21:51.060 What if you could do something?

01:21:52.620 You could change your race.

01:21:53.600 Like what if you like, they're like, dude, if you start eating blueberries, you'll be black.

01:21:58.740 Wouldn't that be cool?

01:21:59.960 Yeah.

01:22:00.380 Just to be like, is it?

01:22:01.720 Oh, you're eating a lot of blueberries?

01:22:02.760 Like I'm going to be black.

01:22:03.480 Like, yeah, we got a game on Thursday.

01:22:07.100 Like I'm going to polish off a few before I go into practice.

01:22:11.800 That's what I would do.

01:22:13.820 If blackberries really made you black.

01:22:16.100 Yeah.

01:22:16.760 You're eating a lot of mozzarella.

01:22:18.160 You're like, taxes are due in April.

01:22:19.900 You know how it is.

01:22:21.220 Fuck.

01:22:21.520 Yeah.

01:22:21.960 Trying to say, yeah, I'm going to cut some corn.

01:22:23.600 What's up with the burritos?

01:22:24.860 You're like, oh, my yard's a fucking mess.

01:22:26.660 I got to fucking clean that shit up.

01:22:28.760 Jesus.

01:22:29.640 Yeah.

01:22:30.160 Somebody's got to do it.

01:22:31.200 What's up with the tuna fish sandwiches?

01:22:32.660 Just trying to improve my credit.

01:22:34.040 That's all.

01:22:34.860 Just want to get my good credit score.

01:22:36.160 God damn it.

01:22:36.780 Whoa.

01:22:37.020 What's up with eating pussy?

01:22:38.440 And you're like, I don't know.

01:22:39.600 It's just for fun.

01:22:40.400 What's up with all those hot dogs?

01:22:41.700 Yeah.

01:22:42.420 Yeah.

01:22:42.540 I don't know.

01:22:43.560 Same thing.

01:22:46.960 Dude.

01:22:47.500 What about being the first gay dude ever?

01:22:50.040 It must have been crazy.

01:22:51.480 Because imagine everybody's straight, right?

01:22:53.980 And you wake up or something happens.

01:22:55.920 You get hit by lightning or whatever.

01:22:57.160 And suddenly you're gay and you're like, oh, my God.

01:23:01.200 Like, you're just talking to your buddy who you've talked to every day for years.

01:23:05.500 And you're just, like, thinking, like, I'm going to stuff his fucking face with some wiener.

01:23:09.280 And you're like, what?

01:23:10.300 And then you, like, imagine that.

01:23:13.360 Because then you have to take some other guy aside or somebody aside and be like, hey, this is going to seem totally crazy to you guys.

01:23:20.840 But I keep thinking about coming on Jacob or whatever, you know?

01:23:26.160 And people are like, what?

01:23:27.400 Yeah, that does sound crazy.

01:23:28.560 Don't tell anyone that.

01:23:29.460 Don't tell anyone that.

01:23:30.420 You're the only one that thinks that.

01:23:31.860 Yeah.

01:23:32.040 And then imagine the moment where you meet the other gay guy.

01:23:35.300 You're like, were you like – I remember I had a buddy one time.

01:23:39.060 We were at a beach.

01:23:39.760 And he was like, hey, man, can I say something crazy to you that I've never really said to anyone?

01:23:42.620 But I want to run it by you and see if you think it.

01:23:44.480 Oh, I say no when people say that kind of shit.

01:23:46.300 I fucking –

01:23:46.800 Oh, I said yes.

01:23:47.720 I said, yeah, we were drinking.

01:23:49.080 We were smoking weed.

01:23:49.720 I was like, run it by me.

01:23:50.960 He goes, there's a thing that everyone says they don't do that I do.

01:23:57.900 And I was like, please be jerking off.

01:23:59.540 Please be jerking off.

01:24:00.360 Please be jerking off.

01:24:01.820 I go, okay.

01:24:02.940 And he's like, everyone says that if you do it, you're gay.

01:24:05.760 But I do it and I'm not gay.

01:24:07.500 And I just wanted to like run it by you and see if you do it.

01:24:11.080 And I said, okay.

01:24:12.580 What's the thing?

01:24:13.740 And he goes, I jerk off.

01:24:17.520 And I had the weight of the world come off my shoulders.

01:24:20.300 I went, I jerk off too.

01:24:21.200 I jerk off too.

01:24:21.960 Oh, my God.

01:24:22.340 I thought I was the only one that jerked off.

01:24:23.460 I thought I was gay because I jerked off because that's what they tell you at Catholic school.

01:24:26.160 You don't jerk off.

01:24:26.840 Don't touch yourself.

01:24:27.380 It means you're gay.

01:24:27.840 You want to play with dicks.

01:24:29.640 That was what must be being gay and meeting another gay for the first time feels like.

01:24:34.440 We were like, oh, my God.

01:24:35.880 I want to suck dick too.

01:24:37.440 Oh, God.

01:24:38.480 But how do you let them know?

01:24:39.780 Do you just be like, hey.

01:24:40.860 I would love to see that.

01:24:42.260 I would love.

01:24:43.220 I would love.

01:24:43.580 Do gays in the wild or whatever meeting each other?

01:24:45.560 Like a Richard Attenborough movie where they're like, okay, we have at that lunch table two gay men.

01:24:51.760 The Memphis homosexual.

01:24:53.800 Yeah.

01:24:54.320 And then you can watch them kind of feel each other out.

01:24:56.440 Yeah.

01:24:56.840 Perusing the whole foods produce section.

01:25:00.700 What I think is fascinating is the gay dudes who hook up with the gay football player who then is like, you can't tell him I'm gay.

01:25:08.120 I'm going to beat your fucking ass.

01:25:09.300 And you're like, okay.

01:25:10.860 You know?

01:25:11.440 Yeah.

01:25:11.820 Like, that's like.

01:25:14.600 Yeah.

01:25:14.920 Like, why do I get my ass beat just because you're being gay or whatever?

01:25:17.800 Yeah.

01:25:18.240 That doesn't make any sense.

01:25:19.440 I wish I could find out.

01:25:20.860 Wouldn't it be cool if like on Instagram.

01:25:23.040 I mean, I guess you could, but you could find out every gay dude you ever knew growing up growing up and apologize to him or whatever.

01:25:30.920 No, no, I don't need to apologize just to know who they are.

01:25:34.260 Oh, yeah.

01:25:34.640 To see who they are.

01:25:36.420 Yeah, dude.

01:25:37.040 I think in the future you'll be able to know immediately if somebody's gay.

01:25:40.340 My buddy's dad used to get, he'd get like the hiccups if people were gay.

01:25:46.300 Isn't that crazy?

01:25:47.480 Yeah.

01:25:47.680 Like, like allergic to gay people?

01:25:49.520 No, he would just have like a, he would just like, he'd be like, and he, he.

01:25:53.960 Like an allergy?

01:25:54.800 Yeah.

01:25:55.120 Like all of a sudden if a gay person got too close to him, he'd go.

01:25:57.380 And you're like, uh-oh.

01:25:59.200 You're like, I hope it's not me.

01:26:01.460 Someone get him a glass of water.

01:26:02.560 Quick.

01:26:03.120 Count to 10 while you're drinking.

01:26:04.100 10 sips.

01:26:05.460 Yeah, stand on your head.

01:26:06.700 Stand on your head.

01:26:07.360 Quick, quick, quick, quick.

01:26:08.340 Either that or you're getting the fuck out of here.

01:26:10.860 Stand on your head or somebody's gay, dude.

01:26:13.820 It's just so crazy that being gay was always like the funniest thing though, too, to people.

01:26:18.440 Like, you know.

01:26:19.020 Yeah.

01:26:19.300 It still is funny, I think.

01:26:20.360 Oh, yeah.

01:26:20.780 I mean, it's like.

01:26:21.700 Because it's so different.

01:26:22.880 I mean, I, I'm certain gay guys make fun of straight guys.

01:26:26.620 I'm sure, I'm sure they do about like the way we think.

01:26:29.900 And they're like, oh yeah, I want all that pussy.

01:26:32.460 Yeah.

01:26:32.760 Oh my God, who wants pussy?

01:26:34.540 Yeah.

01:26:34.920 They want that long pussy, that wiener.

01:26:37.300 I mean, everything, everything.

01:26:38.960 Like, you ever seen white people make fun of, or black people make fun of white people's

01:26:44.440 texts?

01:26:45.380 Uh-uh.

01:26:46.160 Is that good?

01:26:47.220 It's so good.

01:26:48.400 But like the idea that they can't understand the way we communicate.

01:26:52.100 Black people just can't wrap their head around the way we simply communicate on a text.

01:26:55.940 And they think it's crazy.

01:26:57.680 They're like, shut up.

01:27:00.460 There was a text.

01:27:03.540 It's H-O-S-B.

01:27:08.700 And they were like, what do you think?

01:27:09.900 It's a black dude reading it.

01:27:11.040 He speaks white.

01:27:12.220 And he goes, they go, and his white girlfriend's like, what is H-S-O-O-B?

01:27:17.200 What would that mean?

01:27:18.040 And he goes, oh, I know what it means.

01:27:19.060 It's hold on one damn second, buddy.

01:27:21.480 And everyone's, and they're like, what?

01:27:23.360 They put buddy on the end of it?

01:27:24.820 And he's like, oh yeah.

01:27:26.400 And, but like, they find that funny.

01:27:28.500 So like everything, everything you can find, everything funny.

01:27:30.600 Like I, like I still think like, like I put my dick and balls in a wine glass one time.

01:27:38.300 And I went up to, behind Tom and I went.

01:27:40.720 Actual glass, wine glass?

01:27:42.000 Yeah, wine glass.

01:27:42.280 Oh, that's very dangerous.

01:27:43.420 Yeah.

01:27:43.900 And I went up to him behind his shoulder.

01:27:46.220 Oh yeah.

01:27:46.660 And I went, cocktail?

01:27:47.960 And he turned around.

01:27:48.960 I find that to be the funniest thing you could ever do.

01:27:51.060 Yeah.

01:27:51.320 I love it.

01:27:51.960 I love it.

01:27:52.540 I love.

01:27:53.120 I used to do this thing where I would pull my nuts up over my wiener, right?

01:27:57.220 That's not where I thought you were going with that.

01:27:58.420 You're kind of laying on your back, nuts up over your wiener, kind of wrap your wiener up.

01:28:02.540 So it almost looks like a half, like a baby head coming out of your body, right?

01:28:07.300 And you'd be like, I'm having a baby or whatever, you know?

01:28:10.280 Yeah.

01:28:11.100 And, and then people would be like, what the fuck are you doing?

01:28:15.860 You know, to fucking kind of run off and hide or whatever.

01:28:19.280 And you'd be like, wait, what the fuck are you doing?

01:28:20.620 We're in a library.

01:28:21.580 What the fuck?

01:28:22.260 Oh, dude, there was nothing more crazy than being at the fucking library when you were

01:28:27.680 a kid.

01:28:27.980 It was basically just like, it was like a couple thousand square feet of you hiding from a

01:28:32.740 lady who's like obsessed with Voltaire or whatever.

01:28:35.660 And you and your friends were just in there being loud.

01:28:37.820 There was like one other person in a wheelchair in there.

01:28:40.460 It like never made any fucking sense.

01:28:43.000 They're just in there like in the, they're just like wandering the halls of the old internet

01:28:46.560 or whatever.

01:28:47.140 Like they wanted to teach us the Dewey decimal system so bad when we were kids, the library

01:28:51.660 was always ridiculous.

01:28:52.560 I felt like, what was I going to ask you about?

01:28:54.680 Oh, so yeah, the, yeah, I wonder if people would watch the steroid Olympics or if it would

01:28:59.800 be too much for people.

01:29:02.520 Why not?

01:29:03.340 Because you're going to get people that are going to be risky.

01:29:05.540 No, but why even have the regular Olympics?

01:29:07.940 Well, regular Olympics are regular, you know, everybody at the playing field is even playing

01:29:12.160 fields, even when you use drugs.

01:29:13.480 Yeah.

01:29:14.180 Right.

01:29:14.580 I mean, I mean, why, honestly, like if you're like, okay, uh, what are you going to watch?

01:29:21.460 I want to watch high jump.

01:29:22.640 A guy can high jump seven feet.

01:29:24.980 And you're like, that's cool.

01:29:25.880 And they're like, there's a dude who can do 10 feet.

01:29:27.240 You're like, what do you mean?

01:29:28.080 Like over a basketball hoop?

01:29:29.460 Like 10 feet.

01:29:30.300 It's like fucking crazy.

01:29:31.880 And they light it on fire.

01:29:33.280 And you're like, oh, what?

01:29:34.300 Put that one on.

01:29:35.360 It's like, I mean, it's just like, like supply and demand.

01:29:38.120 What do you want to watch?

01:29:39.120 You know, a guy sprint, like sprinting is pretty cool, right?

01:29:43.640 The sprinters are pretty cool.

01:29:44.920 Noah Lyle, Tyreek Hill.

01:29:46.580 I want to watch that head to head.

01:29:48.380 But what if they bring in a guy that's like, oh, he fucking smokes those guys.

01:29:52.620 And you get to see a real blur of a human, just like a cheetah.

01:29:56.240 And you're like, whoa.

01:29:58.260 I mean, physical capabilities.

01:29:59.760 When you see people, it's like the natural bodybuilding versus steroids.

01:30:03.540 Why would you ever put the two together?

01:30:05.120 I want to see the big ones.

01:30:06.860 But I just worry about their ramification.

01:30:09.400 Like if somebody's, but I guess if they want to do it, but you're going to blow your body out.

01:30:13.260 How great was baseball when Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa were?

01:30:16.020 How great was baseball?

01:30:17.260 To your point.

01:30:17.740 It was so fucking great.

01:30:19.600 And then they ruined it by taking steroids away.

01:30:22.080 And these guys weren't, I mean, look, I don't know what they were doing.

01:30:24.840 They were doing steroids.

01:30:25.780 Yeah, but I think it was all for recovery.

01:30:27.840 I mean, it wasn't like they were like, I don't think they were doing tech.

01:30:30.640 I think they were doing TRT, if I'm not mistaken.

01:30:32.580 I don't remember.

01:30:33.340 I don't really know.

01:30:33.940 But they were pretty jacked.

01:30:35.060 They weren't something their heads were growing.

01:30:36.560 That's the thing.

01:30:37.180 It's like, if you got.

01:30:37.820 My head's growing.

01:30:38.460 Your head is?

01:30:39.060 I have a size eight head.

01:30:39.980 And now my head, size eight hats.

01:30:42.260 Because of the TRT?

01:30:43.100 I guess.

01:30:43.620 I don't know.

01:30:44.340 Well, that's the thing, dude.

01:30:45.300 It's like, if you start getting on the drugs, then like, you're going to have a lot of forehead

01:30:49.080 monsters out there just wandering around, you know, just fucking.

01:30:54.220 I just wonder what type of intention is jumping into the stands and fucking punching their

01:30:58.420 wife or something.

01:30:59.480 Yes.

01:30:59.720 Like you're going to have shit like just, it's just going to get pretty intense.

01:31:02.480 Somebody throw the javelin out in the fucking parking lot or whatever.

01:31:05.720 They, you know.

01:31:06.660 And hit that guy that works in the booth.

01:31:08.800 HCH.

01:31:09.660 Okay.

01:31:10.140 That's a real one.

01:31:10.660 Oh, human growth hormone is a crazy one.

01:31:12.400 That's a crazy one.

01:31:12.700 You show up and their hands are bigger and shit and they're fucking, they can catch a

01:31:16.800 fish.

01:31:17.200 They can just easily catch a fish and shit.

01:31:19.500 They don't even.

01:31:20.080 Yeah.

01:31:20.200 Before and after pictures of Barry Bonds is fucking insane.

01:31:23.540 Oh yeah, brother.

01:31:24.960 Look at him.

01:31:26.100 Look at him.

01:31:27.100 Yeah.

01:31:27.380 It's like, you're not even, it's like, but your skeleton and stuff grows.

01:31:31.120 That's the thing, dude.

01:31:32.240 Or what if then they had, they had like the fasting games.

01:31:34.880 It's like people that haven't eaten in months or whatever and they have to play, they have

01:31:38.880 to do the Olympics and it's just like the, it's like going up two stairs or whatever.

01:31:43.500 I pitched it for UFC.

01:31:45.400 Or getting out of a blanket fully, but you haven't eaten in like months and you're just

01:31:49.520 so, you have no energy.

01:31:50.940 I like that.

01:31:52.100 I would, I want to, I challenged, ASMR type of game.

01:31:54.640 I challenged Israel Adesanya to, as a joke, but just, it was like, I would love to fight

01:32:00.120 him, but we both got to drink 12 beers first.

01:32:02.680 And Izzy was like, Izzy, I talked to Izzy about it and he was like, I'm not going to

01:32:06.380 lie.

01:32:06.900 It'll be an interesting fight because he's like, I'm not a big drinker.

01:32:09.220 So I'd be fucking wasted.

01:32:11.200 And I was like, I'm 12 beers doesn't do anything to me.

01:32:13.520 Like, what if you put Shane Gillis and, and like, and like, uh, and Izzy's a perfect

01:32:20.840 example because he doesn't drink, but Shane, Shane Gillis is going to drink 12 beers and

01:32:23.920 not feel a thing.

01:32:24.980 Yeah.

01:32:26.040 Like.

01:32:26.620 Oh, I think it'd be, I think Izzy would beat the ever living shit out of both of you

01:32:30.040 guys.

01:32:31.440 To be honest, first of all.

01:32:33.020 Yeah, I think so.

01:32:34.080 Yeah, but he's fucking great at it.

01:32:36.280 Cause it's really just taking both of you guys, the same, which your current levels giving

01:32:41.740 you each 12 years, just giving us 12 years.

01:32:44.380 We haven't increased our level at all.

01:32:46.880 Yeah.

01:32:47.700 We're trying to diminish his, but even after 12 beers, he still is a professional fucking

01:32:52.140 fighter.

01:32:53.580 Yeah.

01:32:53.960 So that's a part that would be risque.

01:32:55.720 He came to my New Zealand show and he, and I had said it a couple of times on two bears

01:32:59.980 that I wanted to do it.

01:33:01.440 And he came up and they're like, I get a text.

01:33:03.660 They're like, yo, Izzy wants to come to your show.

01:33:05.360 And I was like, okay, but I've said some joking, wild shit.

01:33:08.160 Like I said it about everyone.

01:33:09.240 I do it to everyone.

01:33:09.880 I did it to Connor.

01:33:10.380 I did it.

01:33:10.780 I just like guys I know have sense of humor, the cage fighters.

01:33:14.080 I love those guys.

01:33:14.820 Michael Chandler, uh, all those guys, Michael Bisping.

01:33:17.640 They're funny fucking.

01:33:18.560 Oh yeah.

01:33:18.720 Most of those guys are most of them.

01:33:20.240 There's a couple that aren't, but I just don't think they get comedy, but I don't that

01:33:23.320 I don't mention those guys.

01:33:25.160 Sugar Sean.

01:33:26.020 Fucking great, dude.

01:33:27.160 He is fucking awesome.

01:33:28.580 He has the best sense of humor, dude.

01:33:29.860 Connor hysterical.

01:33:31.560 Nate Diaz fucking love Nate, Nick, all of them.

01:33:35.460 But, uh, I was like, I don't know if Izzy's got a sense of humor.

01:33:38.720 Like I don't, and then everyone's like, he does.

01:33:40.340 He does.

01:33:40.600 He does.

01:33:40.880 And they're like, I get a text.

01:33:41.660 You want to come to my, can I come to your show?

01:33:43.100 I was like, yeah, of course.

01:33:44.580 DM or something.

01:33:45.740 So I get him tickets and he comes back and he's with like all his buddies and comes over

01:33:49.640 and he's like, Hey, the machine.

01:33:51.260 And he grabs me and he holds me by the neck real tight.

01:33:54.700 And he real quick brings his knee to my stomach.

01:33:56.860 He goes, you still want to fucking fight me?

01:33:58.300 And I went, no.

01:34:00.320 And he goes, ah, just kidding around.

01:34:01.520 I was like, oh my God, I would have been fucking destroyed.

01:34:03.860 This man is so fucking strong and so quick and just bigger.

01:34:09.920 Yeah, I think they'll just gift wrap you.

01:34:13.920 Like they work at the mall at that place where you get that nice wrapping or whatever.

01:34:18.340 He'll fucking tie you up with his feet.

01:34:20.860 It'd be crazy if he gift wrapped you with his own feet.

01:34:24.240 Do you, you guys have a 5K coming up I saw.

01:34:26.300 Oh yeah, two pairs of 5K.

01:34:27.360 You going to run?

01:34:27.880 Run, run.

01:34:28.440 I'm not going to run this year.

01:34:29.480 Why not?

01:34:30.020 I just can't do it.

01:34:31.240 Why?

01:34:31.680 I just don't think I could do it.

01:34:33.100 Yeah, you could.

01:34:33.680 I don't know.

01:34:34.580 Theo.

01:34:35.480 And Jelly Roll's on it though.

01:34:36.740 Dude, I saw Jelly Roll.

01:34:37.760 Is Tom on a Zempick, do you think?

01:34:39.220 Is Tom on a Zempick?

01:34:40.320 I don't know.

01:34:41.360 Huh?

01:34:44.040 No, he just works out really hard.

01:34:46.180 He looks so thin here.

01:34:47.500 No, that's not him.

01:34:48.840 Those are different bodies.

01:34:50.820 But he is very thin.

01:34:51.600 Right now he's like 186 pounds.

01:34:53.680 Oh my God.

01:34:55.040 Yeah, he's really thin.

01:34:57.400 He works out really hard and he watches everything he eats.

01:35:00.520 Wow, so he's really locked in on that.

01:35:02.480 He's really locked in.

01:35:03.080 I saw Jelly Roll two nights ago.

01:35:04.500 The healthiest I've seen him look.

01:35:06.380 Jelly is down 130 pounds and he looks fucking great.

01:35:10.680 And the thing about this is, you know, we just did this as a lark.

01:35:14.600 They look happy.

01:35:15.480 You look immensely fucking scared of getting some results back.

01:35:18.420 Yeah, I don't know why they picked that picture for me.

01:35:21.440 But anyway, we did this as a lark on two bears.

01:35:23.980 Me and Tom said, well, let's do a 5K.

01:35:26.080 Because I've always run.

01:35:26.940 I ran the LA Marathon.

01:35:27.820 I've run half marathons, Tough Mudders, Spartan races.

01:35:31.160 I've done all of them.

01:35:31.880 I enjoy the event.

01:35:33.340 The event for me is fun.

01:35:35.540 5K is so digestible.

01:35:36.920 I just ran Travis Barker's in New Orleans over the Super Bowl.

01:35:40.340 And I said, you know, Tom, let's do a 5K.

01:35:43.020 And I've always had stupid ideas.

01:35:44.960 Like big tentpole stupid ideas that never pan out.

01:35:48.320 And Tom's like, yeah, let's do it.

01:35:49.600 We called a bunch of celebrities on our, you know, comics.

01:35:51.920 Just friends on the show.

01:35:53.380 So everyone committed.

01:35:54.800 Barely any of them showed up.

01:35:55.960 But Jelly Roll heard it.

01:35:58.440 And he went on Nelk Boy's podcast.

01:35:59.800 And he was like, I think I need to get in shape.

01:36:02.900 And by the way, type in Jelly Roll on Boston with the Bears.

01:36:05.700 You forget how big he was.

01:36:07.580 And so he said, I'm going to commit to Bert and Tom's two bears 5K.

01:36:11.000 And I'm doing my first 5K.

01:36:12.300 And he started training.

01:36:13.360 And I get FaceTimes from him.

01:36:14.620 He's like, I hate this.

01:36:15.960 Does this get any better?

01:36:17.720 I was like, it doesn't.

01:36:18.520 It takes a while before it starts getting better.

01:36:21.460 And he did.

01:36:22.300 Came out.

01:36:23.080 Like, good to his word.

01:36:24.180 Came out to LA.

01:36:25.560 Did the 5K with me.

01:36:27.360 I wore a 50-pound weight vest.

01:36:29.120 Look at how big he was.

01:36:29.900 Wow, he's big right there.

01:36:30.800 You forget how big he was.

01:36:32.480 He looks so.

01:36:33.960 Man, I saw him the other night.

01:36:34.980 I literally grabbed his face.

01:36:37.020 And I was like, oh, my God.

01:36:37.980 He looks great.

01:36:39.140 Dude, look at it.

01:36:39.660 By the way, look at fucking Taylor.

01:36:41.540 Look how big Taylor looks.

01:36:43.040 Taylor's so lean now.

01:36:44.460 Somebody said he's modeling or something.

01:36:46.120 It's crazy that his wife married that.

01:36:48.160 And then now she gets that.

01:36:49.700 She gets like a really skinny, good-looking dude who looks like he listens to Blink-182.

01:36:55.740 All the small things.

01:36:58.280 Yeah, totally.

01:36:59.320 He said he got all the small things tattooed right above his cock, too.

01:37:02.100 That's what I heard.

01:37:04.420 So Jelly came out for the 2Bears 5K last year.

01:37:08.080 And we did it.

01:37:08.800 And I wore a 50-pound weight vest.

01:37:10.120 He did it last year?

01:37:10.900 He did it last year.

01:37:11.820 He did it last year.

01:37:12.660 He lost like 70 pounds.

01:37:14.300 People Magazine did a big write-up on him.

01:37:16.120 He really kind of eventized the event because I think Jelly was just starting to really,

01:37:22.060 really pop.

01:37:22.960 And everyone's like, good for him.

01:37:24.660 And then people were like, I can do that.

01:37:26.740 Like Kid Rock called him in the middle of the race.

01:37:28.300 Like, dude, I'm proud of you.

01:37:29.620 And we walked it.

01:37:30.980 Me, his wife, Bunny, and my wife, Leanne, and him.

01:37:34.060 We walked the whole thing.

01:37:35.560 And then as we crossed the line, he was crying.

01:37:40.360 Bunny was crying.

01:37:41.240 Leanne was crying.

01:37:42.180 You know I was crying.

01:37:43.240 And Jelly was like, Bunny said to me, you might have saved his life from whatever this

01:37:48.560 stupid idea was.

01:37:49.520 And so from that moment, he's like, yo, we're doing this again this year.

01:37:52.440 So we're doing it in Tampa, May 4th, at Raymond James Stadium.

01:37:55.840 And I mean, I'm telling you right now, it's going to be such a big fucking event.

01:38:00.880 Like, it is.

01:38:01.620 Y'all are doing it at Raymond James Stadium?

01:38:03.360 Doing it in the stadium, and then we're partying on the field after.

01:38:06.560 We've got fucking polar plunges, saunas.

01:38:09.300 We've got a rope climb.

01:38:10.640 We've got...

01:38:11.600 And people are coming out and doing it with y'all?

01:38:14.140 People are doing the 5K.

01:38:15.260 I'm going to do it, I think I'm doing it three times.

01:38:17.200 So I'm going to run the first heat, I'm going to run the second heat, and then I'm

01:38:19.760 going to run the third heat with Jelly and Bunny and Leanne.

01:38:21.700 And how far is it, seven miles?

01:38:22.900 No, it's three miles.

01:38:24.100 It's so doable.

01:38:24.920 Oh, it is?

01:38:25.320 You could do it.

01:38:25.760 Oh, I could do it.

01:38:26.560 Yeah, I know.

01:38:27.060 I could do it.

01:38:27.680 Well, here's what happened to me.

01:38:28.660 I broke my toe like probably three weeks ago.

01:38:30.620 So I'm dealing with that right now.

01:38:32.480 Which toe, big toe?

01:38:33.320 Second from the right, the one next to the little piggy or whatever.

01:38:37.960 And...

01:38:38.240 Wait, what foot?

01:38:39.340 Right foot.

01:38:40.360 Second from the right, next to the little piggy.

01:38:42.920 Yeah.

01:38:44.040 I broke it, dude.

01:38:45.140 And so it's been miserable.

01:38:46.060 So I haven't been able to...

01:38:46.820 There's so many things I've been able to do.

01:38:48.200 What do you do for working out?

01:38:49.300 I do a lot of yoga right now, and then I'll just do like circuit training, but like

01:38:53.460 find like four exercises, do four reps of them, you know, and do that four times,

01:38:58.020 and then I'll do like three blocks of those.

01:39:00.140 Yeah.

01:39:00.260 But this past three weeks has been miserable.

01:39:02.140 It's been like...

01:39:02.820 It sucks when you break a toe.

01:39:03.580 Dude, it's unbelievable.

01:39:04.720 I was like, you got to be kidding me.

01:39:05.860 You can't hardly do anything.

01:39:07.180 I can't even push off into a good hug with anybody.

01:39:10.060 People are like, you can't even fucking hug or whatever, you pussy or whatever, you hug

01:39:13.400 pussy.

01:39:14.380 I dropped a whiskey bottle on my three toe, my big toe, the toe next to it and the toe

01:39:19.460 next to that, and I shattered them.

01:39:21.500 And I was like, what do I do?

01:39:22.780 And they're like, nothing.

01:39:24.160 Yeah.

01:39:24.300 And I just had to wait and wait.

01:39:25.900 It was my big toe.

01:39:26.680 I was barefoot for three months.

01:39:28.540 It was so...

01:39:30.540 It happened December.

01:39:32.000 It happened January 1st.

01:39:34.820 January 1st.

01:39:35.860 So it's been a month, and now they're fine.

01:39:38.080 They're fine already?

01:39:38.920 Yeah.

01:39:39.600 Dude, mine was...

01:39:40.200 Testosterone.

01:39:41.060 Testosterone helps, huh?

01:39:41.900 Oh, so reparative.

01:39:43.260 What the fuck am I doing?

01:39:44.140 What are you doing?

01:39:44.880 I'm just afraid I'll lose my hair, man.

01:39:46.080 You're not going to lose your hair.

01:39:47.040 You can always give so much fucking hair.

01:39:48.900 Can I have some?

01:39:49.940 No.

01:39:50.320 I would love some of your hair.

01:39:51.320 But here's what happens.

01:39:52.160 People say you're not going to lose your hair, and then you fucking...

01:39:54.140 Well, I tried TRT one time a few years ago, and I lost some of my fucking hair.

01:39:58.120 No.

01:39:58.720 Yeah, motherfucker, I did.

01:40:00.060 God damn it.

01:40:00.780 Is that...

01:40:01.100 Wait, can I see the new hair?

01:40:02.460 Huh?

01:40:02.800 Is that new hair?

01:40:03.660 You can't really see it.

01:40:04.600 They just kind of put it in there.

01:40:06.220 And I think my hair that I lost because of stress actually grew back.

01:40:09.460 I think I just had so much stress.

01:40:10.840 You look like you have a ton of hair right now.

01:40:12.240 That I was shedding.

01:40:12.820 What's crazy is that your top hair goes gray before your side hairs, so then it'll be perfectly

01:40:18.300 peppered.

01:40:19.880 Somebody save me.

01:40:23.820 You had also my favorite musician right now, one of anyway, Stephen Wilson Jr. was on your

01:40:30.320 podcast.

01:40:30.860 How great is he?

01:40:32.680 Every bones and tether.

01:40:36.240 You want to change my name, got to drain my blood.

01:40:39.820 Everything I am, everything he wants.

01:40:45.600 He's the best, dude.

01:40:46.460 He is really great.

01:40:48.020 I'm a song.

01:40:48.900 I'm a song.

01:40:49.320 I know you love that one.

01:40:50.100 I've listened to that one a couple times.

01:40:51.480 It's not my favorite.

01:40:52.640 Are you serious?

01:40:53.340 I've listened to it because I know you like it.

01:40:55.060 Yeah.

01:40:55.420 I've listened to it.

01:40:56.740 It's just...

01:40:57.260 And I know how much you love it.

01:40:58.860 I love it, dude.

01:40:59.600 Because it's so beautiful that it...

01:41:01.860 I remember the song I lost my virginity to.

01:41:03.460 I remember the song I got my first car to.

01:41:05.180 I remember the song that Leanne and I fell in love to.

01:41:07.440 I remember the songs for me.

01:41:08.640 Like, I get very emotional to listen to music.

01:41:10.780 I mean, every one of these episodes, I'm like, yo, don't put the camera on me.

01:41:13.740 I'm crying.

01:41:14.660 And did you hear what happened when I did it with him?

01:41:17.280 He goes to start playing, and he starts playing I'm a Song, and I...

01:41:20.940 So he went...

01:41:21.780 And he goes...

01:41:22.720 And he had to stop.

01:41:23.300 He goes, Bert, can you please not cry like that?

01:41:24.720 Like, I cried out loud.

01:41:26.240 But man, music for me is so emotional.

01:41:28.660 Red Clay Strays came over to my house and played.

01:41:30.400 Oh, yeah.

01:41:30.600 So good.

01:41:31.040 And I was like...

01:41:32.220 I was like, shut the fuck up.

01:41:35.040 Dude, Goose is one of my favorite bands in the world.

01:41:37.320 You know Goose?

01:41:37.500 You gotta listen to them.

01:41:38.100 No, my best friend Scott loves them, but I haven't listened to him that much.

01:41:41.420 I've had very, very...

01:41:44.040 I've been very blessed with the opportunities of having these...

01:41:47.060 This band is so fucking great.

01:41:49.600 But I've been very blessed to have all these guys and girls come over and play music for me.

01:41:53.900 Because I just...

01:41:54.620 I love music.

01:41:55.920 And I think sometimes, like...

01:41:57.160 I'm good at a podcast, like, if I'm talking to you.

01:41:59.620 Because, I don't know.

01:42:01.380 But sometimes with, like, younger comics, I'm at the best.

01:42:03.740 Because I don't, like...

01:42:05.100 I don't know.

01:42:05.660 I don't know.

01:42:06.000 I'm not great, you know?

01:42:07.780 But with musicians, I'm so much...

01:42:09.660 I'm so fascinated by their process and who they are.

01:42:12.320 And I don't know anything about them.

01:42:13.620 And you get to kind of deep dive them.

01:42:15.140 And then...

01:42:16.260 And you've had some great fucking musicians on.

01:42:19.240 I mean, I saw Billy Strings live the other night.

01:42:21.320 Oh, yeah.

01:42:21.720 He's so great.

01:42:22.120 Dude, Billy Strings?

01:42:23.080 He took me fishing one day, too.

01:42:24.360 He's such a special guy.

01:42:25.040 For real?

01:42:25.800 Yeah.

01:42:26.240 He's just the most...

01:42:28.120 He's so normal.

01:42:30.520 He's...

01:42:31.040 He's so not a...

01:42:33.120 Or, you know...

01:42:33.900 He's just a normal guy.

01:42:35.080 Do you think you're not a celebrity?

01:42:36.980 I think I don't like the celebrity part of it.

01:42:39.280 I don't see a lot of value in it.

01:42:42.960 But, like, you get a lot of access to cool shit.

01:42:45.500 It's a mirage.

01:42:46.820 Yeah.

01:42:47.260 Like, that's the only thing I see that you like about celebrity is...

01:42:50.160 And I wouldn't say that you like it.

01:42:51.340 But I noticed that you travel and go see the events you want to see.

01:42:56.620 Like, you get to go do everything.

01:42:58.000 Like, I look at yours.

01:42:58.960 I'm like, you're at UFC.

01:43:00.780 You're at fucking Jelly Roll Show.

01:43:03.160 You're at Kid Rock Show.

01:43:05.040 You're, like, at the fucking Republican National Convention or whatever the thing.

01:43:09.860 The inauguration.

01:43:10.940 Like, I look at that and I go, that only comes with celebrity.

01:43:14.420 Yeah.

01:43:14.600 You don't get that if you're just talented.

01:43:16.780 You've got to be famous and talented.

01:43:18.380 And so I think I see you leveraging that in the best ways that you're filling your interests.

01:43:24.180 I think I saw you with Caitlin Clark.

01:43:27.340 Oh, yeah.

01:43:28.020 And I was like, that only comes with celebrity.

01:43:30.240 And so...

01:43:30.840 Well, I'm a fan of hers.

01:43:31.760 I'm friends with her boyfriend.

01:43:34.460 Really?

01:43:35.000 Connor, yeah.

01:43:35.800 Connor Clark?

01:43:36.660 No, Connor.

01:43:37.400 It would be crazy.

01:43:38.160 It would be illegal, it sounds like.

01:43:41.040 Connor McCaffrey.

01:43:41.920 Wait, hold on.

01:43:44.180 Is she dating Christian McCaffrey's brother?

01:43:46.020 No, I don't think they're related.

01:43:47.740 But we went up to watch Caitlin, Me, and Caleb, and then that's how we met Connor.

01:43:52.160 You interviewed Jesse Murphy?

01:43:54.140 Jesse Murph.

01:43:55.180 Jesse Murph?

01:43:55.940 Yeah, she's the best.

01:43:56.380 That's the little girl that sings Cigarette Cardinal with Jelly Roll.

01:44:02.640 Oh, Wild Ones.

01:44:04.960 Wild Ones.

01:44:06.560 I got a thing for the wild on a man with him about 102.

01:44:12.640 Always smoking something.

01:44:14.480 Got to be worried about nothing.

01:44:16.120 And he ain't got nothing to lose.

01:44:18.360 I got a thing for the wild on a man.

01:44:21.220 I texted, I DM'd her one time.

01:44:28.480 I was like, I should not love this song as much as I love it.

01:44:32.520 What did you think of the Super Bowl halftime show?

01:44:35.020 The Super Bowl halftime show, I tweeted about it that I thought it was boring, right?

01:44:40.260 And I only know, like, I'm not a big Kendrick listener, right?

01:44:45.560 Okay.

01:44:45.820 And then a couple days ago, I ended up taking down my tweet, actually.

01:44:48.840 I just felt like, well, I guess I felt like, why am I judging this?

01:44:53.100 I don't fucking know.

01:44:54.040 You know what I'm saying?

01:44:54.500 I think sometimes you forget that, like, people are going to make a big, could make a big deal out if you tweet something.

01:44:59.200 That you can't just say, like, fucking whatever you want without some people having, like, reactions to it, maybe.

01:45:03.720 Well, dude, I mean, I think it, I'm sure you've gotten negative feedback in your life, and you just go, well, that wasn't my intent.

01:45:10.600 And then if you ever talk to that person, they're like, oh, I didn't know you were going to see it.

01:45:13.960 And you're like, like, if Kendrick might be a big fan of yours, and he sees it, and then he's like, oh, fuck.

01:45:18.460 I know that sucks, right?

01:45:19.640 Yeah.

01:45:19.980 Right, I thought about that, but then I also, no, I just thought about, like, why am I, I think, like, two days later, I was like, why am I, why am I judging this guy?

01:45:29.380 And then people are going to judge me.

01:45:31.160 Like, what kind of energy am I really creating?

01:45:32.960 I don't think that's what I thought when I was tweeting, and I was just like, oh, this is fucking, you know, I just, it didn't feel like it was for me.

01:45:38.380 I don't know.

01:45:38.760 I didn't know enough of his songs.

01:45:40.760 I think that was the, I mean, there's, I think there was a bunch of issues.

01:45:43.540 I think number one is his catalog, his catalog's very big in the culture.

01:45:47.900 In white culture, I don't think there's enough crossover.

01:45:50.260 He's only have, like, two crossover songs.

01:45:51.720 I think he played both of them.

01:45:53.020 But, like, I'll tell you, being there, I was sitting next to Jameis Winston when it happened.

01:45:57.280 And, man, we loved it.

01:45:59.400 It was really fun in the stadium.

01:46:01.160 Maybe on TV it didn't translate, but it was really fun in the stadium.

01:46:03.700 The interesting person's take was Kid Rock's take.

01:46:07.120 Did you hear his?

01:46:07.760 He was like, because, you know, Kid Rock's, you know.

01:46:11.020 I remember he shot those Pepsis up when that fellow was drinking them gay Pepsis or whatever.

01:46:15.580 He's got.

01:46:17.000 You know what I'm talking about?

01:46:18.620 Yeah.

01:46:19.380 Yeah.

01:46:20.140 Bud Light.

01:46:21.200 Oh, Bud Light.

01:46:21.880 I'm sorry.

01:46:23.340 But his take was, he did this for the culture.

01:46:28.020 Like, Kid Rock's take was pretty insightful.

01:46:30.200 Because Kid Rock grew up loving in hip hop.

01:46:32.180 In hip hop.

01:46:33.240 And so his take was really kind of insightful.

01:46:36.200 He's like, yeah, he did this for the culture.

01:46:37.640 He did this as representation of, like, everyone on stage is black.

01:46:41.760 It was all about, like, inside what they listen to.

01:46:44.880 I mean, Kendrick's a fucking legend, dude.

01:46:46.980 Yeah.

01:46:47.120 Here's my take, okay?

01:46:50.540 It's fucking New Orleans.

01:46:52.840 Like, kind of.

01:46:53.720 Like, why not celebrate Boozy, Wayne, Master P?

01:47:00.180 Like, why not the way they did L.A.?

01:47:01.900 Right.

01:47:02.300 And it doesn't have to be black, you know?

01:47:04.180 I mean, I'm sure there's Harry Connick Jr. sang at the beginning.

01:47:07.400 There's a lot of talent that isn't.

01:47:09.780 But, I mean, New Orleans is like a black music town.

01:47:12.380 Jazz.

01:47:13.160 Hip hop.

01:47:14.320 I put Juvie.

01:47:16.440 Oh, it would have been sick.

01:47:17.500 But then somebody, I thought that, too.

01:47:19.020 Somebody brought to my attention.

01:47:19.940 But most of the people in New Orleans aren't at the game, probably.

01:47:23.540 It's a lot of people from out of town.

01:47:25.080 So, then it's like, yeah, it's interesting.

01:47:27.740 Do you celebrate the city?

01:47:29.500 What is the real goal of whoever they put out there?

01:47:32.400 Or why they put certain, like, stars?

01:47:37.100 But then also, then I thought, well, also, a lot of the athletes are black.

01:47:40.700 They may all, Kendrick might be one of their favorites.

01:47:43.040 Just because I don't, I haven't listened to a lot of Kendrick except for the mainstream stuff.

01:47:46.500 Doesn't mean I don't, you know, that I wouldn't like it.

01:47:49.580 I don't know.

01:47:50.060 I guess I probably wanted something more that a basic white guy would want.

01:47:53.840 Bruno Mars.

01:47:54.060 You know, Jelly Roll, Bruno Mars.

01:47:56.820 Bruno Mars is, there's no one, there's no performer better than Bruno Mars.

01:48:02.480 His shows, top to goddamn bottom, are the most entertaining shows with so many songs you recognize.

01:48:10.620 Yeah.

01:48:10.880 It is, that guy is so talented.

01:48:14.040 Justin Timberlake, worth my money.

01:48:16.500 New Kids on the Block, bring them back.

01:48:18.020 I would be a cool Super Bowl show.

01:48:19.860 Maybe if they'd have done, like, some music over the years.

01:48:22.060 But I think sometimes you've just, you don't, you forget that just because you do, like,

01:48:27.060 if, if it wasn't me tweeting, nobody would have probably shared it or given a fuck.

01:48:31.900 Yeah.

01:48:32.440 And I don't mean that in a way, like, an ego way, like, but sometimes you're just tweeting

01:48:35.820 shit just thinking, like, this is what I think.

01:48:38.040 Nobody's going to care.

01:48:38.980 I said, I said out loud, we should have been Lil Wayne and Juvie and everyone.

01:48:42.820 And then we were at, we were at doing, I did a show at the Super Bowl with Nikki, Tony

01:48:46.880 and Shane.

01:48:48.300 And, uh, and I didn't even, I didn't even see my critique come back at me, but someone

01:48:53.380 goes, why didn't you have Theo and Mark here?

01:48:55.440 And I was like, huh?

01:48:56.580 And they're like, this is their hometown.

01:48:57.980 They should have performed here.

01:48:58.780 And I went, oh, fuck.

01:49:00.900 I was like, I didn't even think, I didn't even.

01:49:02.280 But you guys asked me to come do it.

01:49:03.800 I think we did.

01:49:04.400 Yeah.

01:49:04.520 Oh yeah, actually we did.

01:49:04.980 I just couldn't.

01:49:05.580 Oh yeah, we did.

01:49:06.260 Yeah.

01:49:06.380 I couldn't go home for the Super Bowl because I was, had to do that movie.

01:49:09.080 God damn it.

01:49:09.540 That's right.

01:49:09.820 I wanted to ask Mormon too.

01:49:12.120 Fuck that guy.

01:49:13.200 Yeah.

01:49:13.380 Fuck that guy.

01:49:14.040 You know, I mean, there's always something that's going to make you feel some type of

01:49:16.580 way, I guess.

01:49:17.460 And then it's like, I don't know.

01:49:19.500 I mean, but then I was like, why do I fucking care?

01:49:21.900 Like, and who needs to hear my opinion?

01:49:24.280 So I don't get things like that.

01:49:25.040 I'm going to interrupt you because here's what I'd love to know.

01:49:28.000 Did you get any pushback when you went to the Republican national or the Republican

01:49:32.880 inauguration?

01:49:33.780 Yeah.

01:49:34.380 For real.

01:49:35.820 Yeah.

01:49:36.220 I did get pushback about it, which I didn't really understand.

01:49:39.840 Like, um, I would go, if anybody invited me to go to the inauguration, dude, like people

01:49:44.480 on the street where I grew up, they're not, nobody's ever going to the inauguration.

01:49:48.200 Nobody from my fucking street, my neighborhood is ever going to the inauguration.

01:49:52.920 Probably ever.

01:49:53.980 No, they're not.

01:49:55.260 Some of these people cannot legally vote anymore.

01:49:57.900 Um, so the simple fact that I got to go, right.

01:50:01.400 Bobby Kennedy is a friend of mine.

01:50:03.560 Bobby Kennedy is a sweet dude.

01:50:04.720 People are like, you're not, I'm going to support my fucking friend.

01:50:07.400 I don't care if they're, if I have a friend that went to jail for even something serious,

01:50:11.540 I would still go in, you know, maybe speak on their behalf sometimes or take them bread

01:50:16.680 or whatever, you know, like I'm going to be supportive.

01:50:19.300 So yeah, some of that shit, but I would never hold it against somebody if they went to an

01:50:24.920 inauguration.

01:50:25.600 So then I got to start thinking, well, that's just odd of that person.

01:50:29.040 Some of that's on them, you know, like I've even had friends that I've texted and they'll

01:50:32.460 be like, oh, it's, uh, didn't know you were so MAGA or whatever.

01:50:36.520 And it was like, I've never ever in my life thought of myself as MAGA, you know, I've never

01:50:41.220 thought of you as, I've never thought of you as political.

01:50:43.480 I've thought of you as just a person interested in living life.

01:50:46.560 Like that's, I mean, that's my perspective.

01:50:48.080 Like I didn't, I honestly, I, when you went to the inauguration, I was like, oh, that's

01:50:52.540 fucking dope.

01:50:53.500 That's fucking crazy.

01:50:54.520 Like I would go in a heart, I'd go in a fucking heartbeat.

01:50:56.820 I went to, I went to George Bush's when I was a kid, I went to George Bush's state of

01:51:00.820 the union.

01:51:01.220 I went to Bill Clinton state of the union and George Bush's state of the union.

01:51:04.060 No one ever called me on it.

01:51:05.880 Like I was, I was 18, 20, whatever, 16, 18, whatever the fuck it is.

01:51:09.820 Yeah.

01:51:10.220 I went to both.

01:51:10.860 I went to the state of the union, like every time we got a president, my uncle could get

01:51:15.140 me in and I, and I just think it's a crazy wild thing to see democracy working.

01:51:21.280 And, and like, I, I, if I got invited to an inauguration or, I mean, I got invited to

01:51:26.480 the Republican national convention, but it was as an influencer and I was like, I'm not

01:51:31.160 going to, yeah, I wouldn't, I think I got invited as that too.

01:51:33.200 I wouldn't go to, I wouldn't do something like that.

01:51:34.880 I'm not going to go like, go like, I'm going to get you fans.

01:51:37.280 Right.

01:51:37.520 But like, if you invite me and I don't have to do shit and I can hang out, I'd fucking

01:51:41.060 go.

01:51:41.780 I thought it was cool shit.

01:51:42.860 Yeah.

01:51:42.980 I wouldn't go to support like one party.

01:51:45.580 You know what I'm saying?

01:51:46.020 Like if somebody, like I got asked to do some Republican stuff like that, I wouldn't go do

01:51:50.620 that, you know?

01:51:52.000 Um, and we just got lucky with that.

01:51:54.060 That's who would come on our podcast was, uh, Vance and Trump.

01:51:57.800 Everybody got asked.

01:51:58.820 Everybody was in, everybody was emailing with us, but they didn't want to come.

01:52:01.600 I'm like, there's nothing I can do about that.

01:52:03.420 And then you expect that I'm not going to go kind of be supportive of the fact that

01:52:07.820 they even came and they came.

01:52:09.600 Yeah.

01:52:10.240 Fuck.

01:52:10.520 At least they fucking gave a fuck to come.

01:52:12.160 Do you, now I think Trump, like what they're doing with Gaza and him coming in and speaking

01:52:16.200 on that is one of the most fucked up things I've ever heard of in my life.

01:52:19.680 Kind of, you know, lost me.

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01:52:52.540 So it's like, yeah, I don't know.

01:52:53.820 That shit was kind of crazy to me, but then you got to realize like all you could, like,

01:52:58.920 I just have to just be myself, man.

01:53:00.600 And I don't even know who that is sometimes.

01:53:02.480 And so I'm still learning about who that is, you know?

01:53:05.060 Well, you should, I mean, this is why I'm saying this to hear it, right?

01:53:08.700 Yeah.

01:53:08.920 I'm saying this to hear it, but what you have to realize is the people that love you,

01:53:12.480 love you and then fuck everyone else.

01:53:14.700 That's the truth is I'm trying to get to that.

01:53:17.180 The people that love you, love you and fuck everyone else.

01:53:19.560 Cause you can't fucking help someone that doesn't like you.

01:53:22.200 That person that sends that text has been waiting to send that text in one manner or another.

01:53:28.880 They're bothered by everything good happening in your life.

01:53:31.540 It's a reflection of their shortcomings.

01:53:33.160 And they're like, didn't know you were so MAGA.

01:53:35.120 And you're like, go fuck yourself.

01:53:36.820 Go fuck yourself.

01:53:38.460 Yeah.

01:53:38.600 If you ever think you could, I would never let anybody even put a pin in me.

01:53:42.740 That's described me as one part of one group.

01:53:45.160 Anyway, I, I will never be part of one group.

01:53:48.620 I wouldn't even do that to myself.

01:53:51.040 This is who I am.

01:53:52.200 I'm vegan.

01:53:53.120 They don't even have the fucking group that I am, you know?

01:53:56.280 And buddy, they do not have the group you are.

01:53:58.180 And I think they don't have the group that a lot of us are.

01:54:00.720 They don't have my group.

01:54:01.340 We're more complex than just being like, you're this or that, you know?

01:54:03.760 Yeah, if they said we had a fucking 30K struggling alcoholic guy who's in therapy with his wife, you know what I'm saying, who loves a fucking good brisket and Johnson Brat, you know what I'm saying, and cares about his kids a ton.

01:54:19.280 Where's that group?

01:54:20.220 My group doesn't exist.

01:54:21.540 My group, I love when they want to put me in my group and go, hey, man, you have a problem with your drinking.

01:54:27.560 And I go, I'm doing pretty good.

01:54:28.780 That is a good point, dude.

01:54:32.040 Anybody that says you have a problem, you're doing pretty good.

01:54:34.460 There's always guys in the system or whatever it's called.

01:54:36.720 And they're like, hey, man, you know you have a drinking problem.

01:54:38.280 I go, okay.

01:54:39.080 I had a guy tell me, I won't say his name, but I'll tell you after.

01:54:41.120 He goes, just because you think you have to make a ton of money and you're on an arena tour and you have three successful podcasts and you're happily married and your kids are good, you think that that doesn't mean you have a problem?

01:54:50.520 I went, no, I think that's exactly what that means.

01:54:52.240 I think that means that I got fucking feelers around me and if something goes sideways, they tell me.

01:54:56.660 But like right now, we're doing pretty solid.

01:54:59.080 So like I go, I said it on a podcast a long time ago and I got a lot of heat from people in the system and they were like, I said, sometimes I think the problem is the person and it's not the booze or the alcohol.

01:55:10.340 It's going to show its head up in another place.

01:55:12.240 You get rid of the booze and it shows itself up in gambling or jerking off or sex addiction.

01:55:16.160 It's like you got to take care of the problem and if you don't have the problem, like if you don't have the problem, then maybe you should look at that.

01:55:24.000 Like go like, my wife was a big drinker in college and quit drinking thinking she was an alcoholic and then realized, oh no, my parents were split up.

01:55:34.040 I had a shitty childhood.

01:55:35.160 I need to get in therapy and fix all the things that when I drink, bring those to the top.

01:55:40.020 She did it.

01:55:40.980 My wife never drinks.

01:55:42.220 She will drink every now and then.

01:55:43.640 She doesn't even give a fuck and I was like, oh wow, I want to be like that.

01:55:46.980 I want to be like that where you go like, yeah, I can have a drink.

01:55:49.380 Sure.

01:55:49.680 Like last night, I had a couple drinks and then I was like, oh, I don't want to be too bloated when I see Theo tomorrow.

01:55:54.840 So I was like, I'm going to go to sleep, watch the documentary on.

01:55:57.220 Hey, do you think in Japanese Netflix, how do you think they title the World War II movies?

01:56:05.580 Do you think they're like World War II, we were also in it?

01:56:10.660 Because I was watching it.

01:56:13.300 They get left out of all of it.

01:56:14.180 It's like World War II, Road to Victory is the one we get.

01:56:16.720 What do you think the Japanese, because they have Japanese Netflix.

01:56:18.800 Right, huh?

01:56:19.480 Almost good.

01:56:20.600 Almost good.

01:56:21.500 So close.

01:56:22.240 Yeah.

01:56:22.840 World War II.

01:56:24.120 I watched Inglourious Bastards with a German guy.

01:56:29.960 Oh, yeah.

01:56:32.600 That's uncomfortable.

01:56:33.880 Oh, with a German.

01:56:34.820 Yeah, it's like watching Django Unchained with a bunch of black guys.

01:56:37.540 Yeah, yeah.

01:56:38.000 That's not really a post-game movie.

01:56:40.640 He's like, oh, those are really bad guys, man.

01:56:42.960 Yeah.

01:56:43.600 Damn, them guys was bad, homie.

01:56:45.960 None of them look like my grandfather.

01:56:47.460 I know, huh?

01:56:48.480 Damn, bro.

01:56:49.140 Shit got real.

01:56:51.480 What else do we want to talk about?

01:56:52.920 Okay.

01:56:54.380 Is there anything else?

01:56:55.160 You got your special coming out, Bert?

01:56:56.320 Special comes out March 18th.

01:56:57.540 March 18th.

01:56:58.320 Yes.

01:56:58.800 And I think it's my best one.

01:57:01.200 Lucky.

01:57:01.740 Because I'm the luckiest man alive.

01:57:02.700 You know, yeah, I might be right about you.

01:57:05.040 Buddy, I am.

01:57:06.080 Think about it.

01:57:06.740 If I pitched me to you.

01:57:08.880 I wouldn't believe it.

01:57:09.780 Right?

01:57:11.140 25 years old in college.

01:57:14.140 Been in college seven years, roughly.

01:57:15.900 Yeah.

01:57:16.920 Rolling Stone.

01:57:17.420 No degree.

01:57:18.560 No chances of graduating.

01:57:19.740 No hopes of graduating.

01:57:21.260 No real direction in life.

01:57:25.480 Rolling Stone magazine discovers me and calls me the number one party in the country.

01:57:28.480 And a Buccaneers fan at that time.

01:57:30.280 And a Bucs fan.

01:57:31.420 Back when the Bucs and the Saints sucked.

01:57:32.760 You had a test of Erty jersey.

01:57:34.000 Dude.

01:57:34.660 Back when you were just waiting for the 49ers to come in town and beat your ass.

01:57:37.300 From Florida.

01:57:38.340 From Florida.

01:57:39.020 Before anyone knew what a Florida man was.

01:57:40.680 Those were all my uncles and my fucking brothers.

01:57:43.440 All my people in my life.

01:57:45.220 All for around Florida, man.

01:57:46.460 Rolling Stone magazine discovered me called the number one party in the country.

01:57:49.680 Oliver Stone options are the rights of my life.

01:57:51.220 I moved to New York.

01:57:52.300 Within six months, I get a development deal from Will Smith.

01:57:54.680 That's weird now.

01:57:55.260 But I moved to LA.

01:57:56.520 I get my first TV show on the X show.

01:58:00.120 I then get another development deal at CBS.

01:58:02.440 I meet the love of my life.

01:58:04.080 I keep working on TV.

01:58:05.080 I get fired.

01:58:05.760 I get on travel.

01:58:06.760 I mean, all the things that have happened to me are so goddamn lucky that I look at it and I go,

01:58:12.700 I don't deserve to be where I am.

01:58:14.560 I have the greatest group of friends, meaning like my friends, and you included, are the funniest, most thoughtful people in the world.

01:58:25.580 The funniest people in the world.

01:58:28.720 But yet people who will take time out of their schedule to go see my wife's live podcast when they don't need to.

01:58:33.700 Like that's my friends, right?

01:58:35.080 Tommy, you, Joe, Ari.

01:58:37.060 Some of them drug me.

01:58:37.960 But like Joey Diaz, you know, it happens.

01:58:39.720 But like you look at your group of friends and you're, and there's more than that.

01:58:43.820 I got two great kids who are really fucking well-rounded for a dad who's leveraged their childhood to make money.

01:58:49.200 Yeah.

01:58:49.600 Yeah.

01:58:49.960 And they're, but they're still well-rounded and they're happy and we love each other and, and I'm healthy and I'm the strongest I've ever been.

01:58:56.260 And, uh, and I get to do what I love.

01:58:59.100 And for work today to promote my special, I get to sit with you and just chat about, I mean, that's like, I'm the luckiest motherfucker.

01:59:06.360 But I also think, I really believe this, you have to identify your luck.

01:59:10.040 I think I mentioned this in the special.

01:59:11.560 You just have to start looking at things as half full and don't like, even the bad things go, that needed to happen to me.

01:59:18.040 That had to happen to me to get me to the place where I could see the luck come from it.

01:59:23.280 You know?

01:59:23.660 I mean, it's like, look at all the shit you've been through.

01:59:25.540 So, and, and then I go, thank God.

01:59:29.880 Like, I think I was thinking of it today.

01:59:31.240 I was, I was like, I hate that Theo had to go through, you know, drugs and alcohol because that's so not him.

01:59:38.080 And that's never been who I know you knew you to be.

01:59:39.980 I never even knew you to party to be dead honest with you.

01:59:41.940 Yeah.

01:59:42.280 I never saw it.

01:59:43.360 Yeah.

01:59:43.560 And I go, but you know, I'm so glad he did because he's so fucking grounded now.

01:59:50.000 Like, he seems like in such a better place.

01:59:51.940 And he's got all these great stories about the time he got high on coke and locked himself out of his apartment while he was making a smoothie.

01:59:56.220 Like, those fucking wild stories where you're doing coke with Daryl Strawberry and fucking the Bronx.

02:00:01.160 I mean, you have all these crazy adventures now.

02:00:03.600 But you're so like, like, I go, you just got to look at it and go, that sucked then.

02:00:08.000 But that's, that's then.

02:00:09.140 This is now.

02:00:09.640 We're, now we're lucky.

02:00:11.600 Yeah.

02:00:12.040 Yeah.

02:00:12.380 No, you got to be here to tell them.

02:00:14.520 Dude.

02:00:14.980 I mean, I, I, I'm lucky.

02:00:17.360 I went to.

02:00:18.220 Yeah, for sure.

02:00:18.980 Lucky.

02:00:19.280 I'm lucky as fuck.

02:00:20.400 And I think if I can put luck out there, like I tell you, I bought like a hundred dollars worth of pennies.

02:00:26.380 It's a lot of pennies.

02:00:27.520 More than you'd think.

02:00:28.940 It's wild.

02:00:30.160 And I just started throwing them around LA, just flip them on the ground.

02:00:33.580 Because every time you see a penny, you're like, oh shit, good luck.

02:00:35.720 Yeah.

02:00:36.100 I was like, oh, why not just give that to people?

02:00:37.720 Like just a little.

02:00:38.560 And then if I have a project like that, I start getting really into it.

02:00:41.360 And I'm like fucking, I'm walking through parking lots, dropping them in front of everyone's car.

02:00:45.020 So everyone gets good luck when they get in their car.

02:00:46.840 Fucking copper Johnny Appleseed.

02:00:48.320 I'm a copper Johnny Appleseed.

02:00:50.580 That's him.

02:00:51.940 Spreading luck.

02:00:52.820 March 18th on Netflix.

02:00:55.020 The special is dropping.

02:00:56.920 You got the 5K in Tampa.

02:00:58.000 You have your double down show that's in Las Vegas.

02:01:00.760 Yes.

02:01:01.080 Oh, that weekend.

02:01:02.080 I'm in Vegas, March 21st and 22nd over at the Resorts World Theater.

02:01:06.520 Two shows.

02:01:07.240 Wow.

02:01:07.680 Yeah.

02:01:09.080 I'm proud of you, man.

02:01:10.460 I'm proud of you, man.

02:01:11.480 Thanks, man.

02:01:11.780 Like we've been friends for a long time, but it's so good to see.

02:01:15.140 It's so, man, you know, my girls and Leanne root for a couple comics.

02:01:22.740 And you're in that short list.

02:01:24.340 And so when good shit happens to you, same with Nicky, when Nicky did the Golden Globes,

02:01:29.520 they were in a text thread.

02:01:31.080 She crushed it.

02:01:32.700 But you're in that short list.

02:01:35.220 You, Shane, Nicky, Tony Hinchcliffe.

02:01:37.720 People in my family knows.

02:01:39.160 Yeah.

02:01:39.420 And it's, man, it's cool when you get a text from your kids.

02:01:43.800 You're like, oh, dad, did you see the fucking, what was the Theo?

02:01:47.340 I forget what it was.

02:01:48.340 They're like, have you seen the best of Theo?

02:01:50.220 And I was like, no.

02:01:51.200 And then George sent it to me.

02:01:52.440 She's like, dad, she's on a plane.

02:01:54.840 She's like, dad, this fucking, he is fucking hysterical.

02:01:58.860 I was like, dude, fuck yeah.

02:01:59.960 I remember watching George and watch Shane Gillis for the first time.

02:02:02.320 And was like, are we allowed to laugh at this?

02:02:04.280 Yeah.

02:02:04.680 And I love that.

02:02:05.480 I love that.

02:02:06.560 I'm the luckiest motherfucker out there.

02:02:08.280 Well, we're lucky to be in your presence, man.

02:02:10.000 I feel that.

02:02:10.600 And thanks for always being supportive.

02:02:12.080 And thanks for some of the nice things that you said today, dude.

02:02:14.240 And yeah, I feel lucky.

02:02:16.400 I was driving over here today.

02:02:17.180 I was like, man, my job today, I get to talk to a friend of mine.

02:02:21.120 Fuck.

02:02:23.360 Fuck.

02:02:24.120 That's a blessing.

02:02:25.960 It's a blessing.

02:02:27.640 Bert Kreischer, man.

02:02:29.540 Stay healthy.

02:02:30.840 And enjoy your year off of comedy, huh?

02:02:32.980 I think I'm going to go back on tour, maybe October.

02:02:37.240 We'll see.

02:02:37.780 We'll see.

02:02:38.700 He'll be back on tour in a month probably, but that's okay.

02:02:41.820 He keeps working hard.

02:02:43.140 Love you, bro.

02:02:43.660 Love you, bro.

02:02:44.520 Now I'm just floating on the breeze.

02:02:47.420 And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

02:02:50.380 I must be cornerstone.

02:02:55.780 Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind.

02:03:00.340 And I found I can feel it in my bones.

02:03:05.500 But it's going to tell you.

02:03:07.180 Amen.

02:03:07.760 Amen.

02:03:08.180 Amen.

02:03:08.200 Amen.

02:03:09.180 Amen.

02:03:10.580 Amen.

02:03:26.860 Amen.

02:03:27.860 Amen.

02:03:29.700 Amen.

This Past Weekend with Theo Von - February 25, 2025

E565 Bert Kreischer

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