Action4Canada - Reaching the Heart of Your Kids

00:00:00.000 we want to have a strong connection with our kids that's really really important so in the chat

00:00:07.760 i want you to think about this i want you to think about why are you homeschooling or why are you

00:00:14.700 thinking about homeschooling i'm assuming you're homeschooling or considering it so why why is this

00:00:20.200 important to you i would love i would love for you to type that into the chat i would love to

00:00:26.040 kind of see why are why are we here why are we homeschooling as a homeschooler a former homeschooler

00:00:32.900 i love homeschooling did i love it every day no but overall loved homeschooling i loved being with

00:00:43.560 my kids i miss sitting on the couch talking about current events discussing debating critiquing i

00:00:51.520 miss um watching videos together and discussing it i miss family prayer that was really important

00:00:59.960 that we did as a family together i i miss just the conversations i miss reading aloud when they

00:01:07.520 were younger i miss that so so i would love to know like what is it why are we homeschooling

00:01:15.380 our children today so type that into the chat if you can um a little bit about me i've been doing

00:01:22.100 this for over a decade and it started because i had three young boys one of which displayed symptoms of

00:01:30.560 of odd oppositional defiance extremely strong willed um some of my kids struggled with anger um some of my

00:01:39.340 kids struggle with anxiety and and difficulty regulating emotions i found it so much more

00:01:45.940 challenging than than the diaper commercials made it seem they made it seem like everything is fun

00:01:50.820 and cute right uh no it was really hard and so my my pattern what i would kind of do on the daily is i

00:01:58.780 would get my kids loaded into the minivan they were safe finally get going out of the house and then i

00:02:04.720 would sit on my step and cry and i felt like the worst mother in the world i felt like i had no idea

00:02:13.280 what i was doing i felt like i was yelling at my kids all day i was trying to make them obey i was

00:02:19.400 trying to get them to do things and i was missing their heart completely that was me i was sitting at

00:02:26.760 the end of on my step in my driveway and i was crying and and i felt like i felt honestly like

00:02:34.560 i felt the lord say to my heart one day you're going to use this to help some people you're

00:02:40.320 going to be able to help some other moms and i thought no way no there is no way i don't even

00:02:45.700 know how to do anything in my own family never mind right so if i can encourage you if you're here

00:02:53.220 with kids right now then this is a great place we're going to talk about how to reach their heart

00:02:58.460 and build connection if you feel like the worst parent in the world i need you to know

00:03:03.560 i've been there and there is absolutely hope that you were given your babies and you have what it

00:03:11.620 takes i need you to hear that you have what it takes to reach their hearts but it does require

00:03:17.880 some work so let's go to our chat why are we there if you're here and you're you don't have kids maybe

00:03:23.780 you're here because you work with kids you've got grandkids you coach kids you pastor kids beautiful

00:03:29.860 these strategies can also work so you are here for discipleship yes uh you're hoping to gain more

00:03:37.000 confidence and educate your kids well to instill good values and character i love it i love it i had

00:03:45.460 a negative experience in the school system and now i'm raising my five-year-old grandson beautiful

00:03:52.200 welcome absolutely um three grandchildren in a christian school yes okay okay but you suspect

00:04:01.900 things are changing i've with my three boys we did all the school we did public school we did private

00:04:07.820 school christian school and homeschool and and homeschool was my favorite it really was for me

00:04:15.340 absolutely it was uh wonderful interesting though notice getting an a in math wasn't on any of the chat

00:04:23.860 list like academics is probably not the number one reason you're homeschooling i'm guessing which is so

00:04:33.760 interesting because when we think about the stress of regular homeschool life a lot of it is around

00:04:39.000 academics and yet when we think about it the reason we homeschool is what strong family values family

00:04:47.540 connection character development discipleship uh instilling good values in our like all of

00:04:55.100 these beautiful reasons we homeschool academics is important don't don't get me wrong but is it the

00:05:03.180 very top of the list maybe not maybe not so i'm gonna challenge you a little bit there i'm gonna

00:05:10.020 challenge you i don't think that academics is the number one reason it's up there i want my kids to be

00:05:17.600 able to be successful in life wherever god leads them whether that's post-secondary running a business

00:05:23.960 whatever they're doing i want that for them and so that might mean high academics for sure but it is not

00:05:29.580 the number one reason uh concern about math and other stuff yes absolutely absolutely we're gonna

00:05:37.540 that's all important but what if we can raise kids who have character to be responsible to do hard

00:05:46.780 things to overcome they've got the grit and resilience to be able to keep trying when they fail

00:05:53.400 they know how to figure things out and solve their problems um they know how to learn they know how they

00:06:00.240 learn best they know what to do to learn they would be unstoppable right if there was some subject that

00:06:08.920 they needed for something down the road they would know what it takes to get that done and so i feel

00:06:15.740 like let's focus on the qualities of life that are going to help them be successful in whatever they're

00:06:20.220 doing and then let's add the academics to that deal so that's what i'm going to focus on today because

00:06:26.240 my session today is not on how to teach math my session is how to connect and reach the hearts of

00:06:33.980 your kids and i just want to say that looking back i think i spent a little more time than i needed to

00:06:41.020 fighting over the math and the reading and maybe i could have spent a little bit more time focusing on

00:06:48.280 character development that's that's what i will offer you today as a homeschool veteran um what do you

00:06:56.480 think type it in the chat does god care more about our behavior or our heart

00:07:01.700 what do you think what does god care more about

00:07:08.000 it's kind of a trick question because we i hope you're going to say heart

00:07:14.560 right god cares about our hearts more than our outward behavior and yet if we're honest when we

00:07:23.800 think about the regular frustrations of day-to-day life with kids we get stuck on the behavior don't

00:07:30.280 we we get stuck on the annoying and the frustrating and the the things they do we get stuck on the

00:07:36.460 behavior but god cares more about our heart than about our behavior now is our behavior important

00:07:42.800 yes i would say yes but can we like consider that can we consider what should we be more focused on

00:07:52.360 should we be more focused on the heart in our kids or more more focused on the behavior and that's where

00:07:58.800 i would challenge and say i think the heart i think the heart comes first that's that would be that's

00:08:06.400 that's what i am professing is we are going to focus on the heart first over behavior behavior is

00:08:14.260 important but it's not more important than the heart proverbs 23 7 you know this the lord doesn't

00:08:20.580 look at things people look at i'm paraphrasing the lord looks at the heart we know this is the case

00:08:27.220 there's a joke about a seven-year-old i will tell you i get more emails and phone calls from parents

00:08:32.220 of seven-year-olds than any other age they are a fun bunch so if you've got a six to eight-year-old

00:08:39.460 in there just know i feel you it is a challenge that is like by far the number one most phone calls

00:08:46.020 i get is for parents of seven-year-olds it is a challenging phase uh there's a story of a seven-year-old

00:08:52.640 girl her parents are trying to get her to come to the table for dinner and she's not you know no i don't

00:08:58.380 want to come i want to play i don't want to be here so the parents are getting mad they're saying

00:09:03.340 no you come and sit down it's time to sit we're going to eat our dinner you have to stop playing

00:09:07.700 i don't want to it's a big battle finally finally little seven-year-old sarah she comes over to the

00:09:14.420 table she sits down she says i'm sitting on the outside but i'm standing on the inside

00:09:23.180 and that is our seven-year-old

00:09:27.160 so the behavior yes she did she did technically obey she did come and sit at the table but what

00:09:39.560 was her heart doing her heart was standing and that's what i want us to think about oftentimes

00:09:49.100 when i'm working with families parents will say things like you know i don't like his attitude

00:09:54.240 and he stomps across the room and he huffs at me and he's rude and sassy but he technically did do

00:10:01.700 what i asked so i feel like i can't have a consequence because technically like he did do it and i would i

00:10:09.660 would say no actually we care more about the heart so what that means is in fact if we ask our child

00:10:17.080 to come to the table and they are huffing and stomping and rolling their eyes and being miserable

00:10:23.700 well even if their behavior their outward behavior might look like it's obeying what's going on in

00:10:30.300 their heart yeah there is disobedience there is rebellion there is anger so we can actually we can

00:10:40.120 have a consequence for that we can discipline for that we can and and probably what i would suggest

00:10:47.800 just to have a little bit of grace as we're working on these things is you could call sarah aside you

00:10:52.760 could say sarah now you did come and sit sit at the table but that was not calm that was not respectful

00:11:00.400 we need to try that again so i love the redo i love a redo what that will do is it will tell you

00:11:07.520 what's going on right away because if i ask sarah sassy sarah to have a redo one of two things are 0.76

00:11:16.160 going to happen she's either going to say okay and she's going to do it and she's going to watch

00:11:23.200 herself this time and choose to obey in which case we can say that's great fantastic you chose to do the

00:11:29.760 right thing high five come on let's have some dinner or she's going to look you in the eye and 1.00

00:11:34.980 say no no i meant it like that and i would do it again so so then you know a hundred percent you know

00:11:43.700 exactly what's going on in the heart and we can move to a consequence so i think the redo is a powerful

00:11:49.400 tool it's a way that you can connect uh you can find out it will reveal really quickly what's going on

00:11:56.320 in the heart and it will kind of force your kids to make a choice okay what am i going to do here

00:12:00.400 i can't do both i can't kind of obey but do it with a bad attitude i have to choose and so i think

00:12:07.940 it's a great way to help your kids work through that in the chat what do you think about that maybe

00:12:13.200 you're already doing something something along those lines have you ever instead of yelling threatening

00:12:19.960 begging getting mad have you ever considered just pausing and having a redo how'd that go

00:12:26.900 in the chat it says the redo is so good good i'm glad you're already doing that it's it's a wonderful

00:12:33.580 way to encourage our kids to make a better choice without turning it into a big deal now sometimes our

00:12:39.760 kids turn it into a big deal which is okay that's typical kid behavior but in the chat what do we think

00:12:46.540 about the redo what do we think i would love to hear your thoughts on that um as you're typing

00:12:55.820 i feel like what's interesting is you could you could think of discipline and you can think of

00:13:02.280 punishment and we use the words interchangeably but punishment is really like i need to make you pay

00:13:10.780 it's punitive when you think about you know somebody exacting something on some i need to make

00:13:17.440 someone else hurt i need to make them suffer i need to make them have to pay a price when in fact

00:13:23.660 what we are called to as disciples is to discipline so to discipline is to make disciples so instead of

00:13:31.940 thinking about what they did wrong one thing that will really help is as you're working through some of

00:13:38.460 the harder harder things in parenting and homeschooling think what do i want them to do

00:13:44.020 not what am i mad at them for doing because that leads you down a path of punishment punitive instead

00:13:51.200 what do i want them to do what do i wish they did instead what do i want to teach them and let's come

00:13:58.660 up with a consequence that's more in line with that so notice even in the redo we're encouraging our kids

00:14:05.360 to make a better choice and to follow through doing it the way that we want it to be done so

00:14:10.920 no slamming no stomping no eye rolling we're just going to do it so when i ask you to take out your

00:14:16.740 math or it's time to practice reading if you're going to stomp and throw a pillow off the couch well

00:14:22.180 come on let's try that again let's try it again let's try it and let's have a better attitude this

00:14:27.240 time you know what we're going to read and it's going to be great let's just do it let's practice

00:14:31.000 walking over calmly because i'll tell you this kids do not grow out of the phases we tell this

00:14:39.060 is something we oh they'll grow out of it oh the terrible twos which which i don't even i think two

00:14:44.960 year olds are so fun oh you know the difficult threes whatever it is oh they'll grow out of it i

00:14:50.520 promise you they will not the temper tantrums change how they look is different but the character

00:14:57.400 doesn't the behaviors at their root don't so a two-year-old throwing a tantrum if we don't work

00:15:03.620 on developing the character that will become a five-year-old that stomps that will become a nine-year-old

00:15:11.200 that yells they can still throw themselves on the floor and scream and kick and yell that could become

00:15:17.100 an 11-year-old that lies that could become a 15-year-old that argues that lies that slams doors

00:15:26.020 right it doesn't go away we still have to develop the character and a redo is a really effective way

00:15:33.140 to do it i'm grateful you know i'm grateful in the bible that god uses words with me i can read his

00:15:41.960 word i can get wisdom i can right oftentimes the holy spirit right there's just like god will use

00:15:48.960 words with me and if i'm wise i will obey them uh so let's not be afraid to utilize that let's not

00:15:57.980 be afraid to pull our kid aside and be like hey you know what i've noticed this is going on i see this

00:16:03.100 as a pattern i see that you have a really hard time sharing with your your brother or i notice when

00:16:09.680 you're playing a video game you have a hard time turning it off hmm okay i'm so i'm gonna talk to you

00:16:15.880 about it this time but if words don't work we are gonna move to actions and let's give them the

00:16:22.500 opportunity a redo is a great way so doris says the redo takes time but it is worth it in the long run

00:16:28.060 amy says it's better than what i thought yeah yeah which is great so let's utilize the redo let's not be

00:16:35.940 afraid to use words but can i say words one time where we fail often is we can use too many words

00:16:45.060 too often so so i know you're like jen just said to use words and now she's saying don't use words

00:16:51.560 what what is this what what i mean is i like to teach that we give an instruction and then we give

00:16:59.600 one reminder and that's it that's it we give one reminder and i want the reminder to not be

00:17:06.860 a threat a beg so i'll give you an example so the instruction might be sarah it's time to come sit at

00:17:13.960 the table now for dinner that might be right and then sarah's not coming so then i i like to offer

00:17:20.100 one reminder sarah i gave you an instruction remember it's time to come to the table to eat

00:17:26.000 notice i did not say i did not say sarah please please will you come and sit at the table this is

00:17:35.600 so hard i do everything for you i've cooked this dinner the least you can do right i'm not begging

00:17:41.500 i'm not saying sarah you better come to the table or else i'm gonna start counting or else you know

00:17:47.800 what um if you don't come to the table i'm gonna take tv away no that would be a threat i'm not doing

00:17:54.320 that i'm reminding her of the instruction i gave her and then if she chooses not to obey then we're

00:18:01.860 gonna move to a consequence and i i do have some ideas for you for consequences because that always

00:18:08.020 happens we get through the character piece and then parents are like but what do we do when they say

00:18:14.000 no what do we do when they disobey so we we are gonna get there what i want you to to leave this

00:18:20.940 portion of connecting with our kids i want you to leave with this everything stops for character

00:18:27.560 character is the most important piece and in my homeschool days my kids would try to push back

00:18:34.940 on that i would i would notice something so where i would use words is i might pull someone aside and

00:18:40.980 say hey you know what i think the way that you're talking to your family right now it's kind of mean

00:18:46.360 like can we talk about that so notice that's different than an instruction that is me trying

00:18:52.000 to offer some wisdom that's where i would use words and an instruction i'm going to give the

00:18:57.220 instruction and then i'm going to give one reminder and then we move to action but when we're offering

00:19:03.280 wisdom to pull a kid aside and say hey you know what that didn't come out very very well let's try

00:19:09.200 that again i think that's a great place to use words everything stops for character in our home

00:19:14.780 i can remember multiple times where we were doing some homeschool subject and something would go wrong

00:19:22.360 let's say math because that's a common one for lots of families right math isn't going well

00:19:27.820 kids are angry and so i just pause pause we're pausing math we're going to talk about you know

00:19:34.280 how we treat mom and how we can talk to mom and how we don't talk to mom we're going to talk about

00:19:38.880 you know words that we use and words we don't use we're going to do that and we're going to have a

00:19:43.060 consequence for that which i'm going to get to uh and my kids would push back no i don't have time

00:19:49.320 it's school time i can't i'll have to do it later you know i have to get my math done it's school

00:19:54.300 time and i would say nope everything stops for character everything stops for character oh but

00:20:00.480 i'm supposed to be going to soccer practice right now we have to leave nope everything stops for

00:20:07.120 character oh but my friend's over oh well everything stops for character everything everything

00:20:14.240 character is the most important thing the most important thing so if there is a character weakness

00:20:21.040 in your kids everything stops and we talk about that and maybe we have a consequence for that

00:20:26.940 and that is the most important thing everything stops so stomping redo rudeness out at a mall we can

00:20:37.620 have a redo in the mall you know i don't want to purposely be humiliating or shaming my kids so make

00:20:43.360 it age dependent but there's no reason you can't just politely walk over and say hey you know what let's try

00:20:48.760 that again let's just go over here and try that again or there's no reason you can't pull someone

00:20:54.080 aside and offer wisdom say hey you know what i'm noticing this let's work on this yeah uh so what are

00:21:01.920 we gonna do before i move to consequences what is something in the chat that has stood out to you so

00:21:10.540 far what is something you're gonna leave here with i want to really like make sure we get to the

00:21:16.760 connection piece before we kind of move into the discipline the consequences the because it's

00:21:23.320 important but i think connecting with the kids and reaching their heart is the most important thing and

00:21:29.480 we're gonna do that by developing character i want you to praise every good bit of character you see

00:21:36.080 every good bit you know what that was really kind so kindness that was responsible hey you followed

00:21:42.740 through you finished that assignment without me having to ask you to wonderful you put your boots

00:21:48.880 away when you came in the house fantastic that's great you did that without me asking beautiful so

00:21:55.340 what is something type something in the chat praise good character yeah what's something that you're

00:22:00.460 gonna leave here with that's gonna encourage you as you're going back into your life with kids with

00:22:06.000 grandkids homeschooling teaching mentoring what can you apply from that i love i'm just gonna interrupt

00:22:16.040 here i love the whole like everything stops for character but how you are saying that there's no shame

00:22:23.260 attached to that there's no shame in the redo there's there's just like this is just a learning

00:22:28.200 experience we're gonna take this learning experience and we're not gonna we're not gonna shame we're not

00:22:33.440 gonna punish in that we're like i mean we're gonna get to the consequences but there's no like

00:22:38.060 you are a bad kid or you are a bad girl like it's it's just hey let's do that over again because this

00:22:45.400 matters right i love that practicing what we want our kids to do is like it's like this forgotten tool 0.70

00:22:53.420 we spend a lot of time telling our kids what not to do and i've been there i've spent a lot of time

00:22:59.660 getting upset with my kids for for doing the wrong thing but practicing doing the right thing

00:23:06.400 that is powerful and why not right if i was gonna let's say i was gonna try and run a marathon

00:23:12.340 and i hired a coach for example and that coach just watched me run and said no you're doing it wrong

00:23:18.800 you know your knees oh your ankle no that's not how you run no a coach i mean there might be a little

00:23:25.020 bit of that but i think the coach first would be like let's practice doing it the right way i would

00:23:31.080 say most of my training with my coach would be him teaching me the right way to do it and very little

00:23:37.480 of it would be no no no no no right so let's take that to heart and think everything that frustrates us

00:23:44.840 okay let's go back and say okay how could we practice doing it the right way what do i wish they

00:23:49.080 would do instead and how can i make that a part of our life what do we got to do do we practice it

00:23:54.240 every day do do i talk about it more does the redo help with that i love it so courtney says everyone

00:24:01.600 thrives on positive attention a hundred percent absolutely i mean you could apply that to our

00:24:08.100 marriages and i don't and i don't even mean that in a condescending way seriously if my husband told me

00:24:14.460 hey thanks thanks so much for doing this running this errand for me i really appreciate it guess

00:24:19.920 what i'm gonna think of more errands i can do for him we do more of what people notice what is

00:24:26.140 complimented what is praised so yeah point out every little thing that's good point it out point it out

00:24:33.660 and you will see more of it something that will help with that i want to talk about this this is

00:24:40.200 a gem jar and you can just go to any what dollar store you probably have craft stuff in your house

00:24:46.580 uh you can use beans dried beans dump them in a jar and this is the gem jar or the the bean jar if

00:24:55.400 you're going to use beans and the way that i utilize this is this is a cooperative activity so all of the

00:25:02.260 good character everything good that you see you know someone is kind to someone else someone shares

00:25:07.700 someone does a nice thing someone says good words someone gives a hug someone helps you without

00:25:12.780 being asked or when you ask them they do it with a good attitude and a smile like that's wonderful they

00:25:18.600 do a good job then you're gonna put some gems in the jar so you you dump it out you you put a bunch in

00:25:25.220 now with just no for like this many gems i'm not putting one in at a time i'm putting probably five or

00:25:31.280 ten in at a time because i want to fill this up and if you want to see a transformation in your home

00:25:39.300 do this because my only rules for this is you can put in as many gems as you want for whatever you

00:25:46.080 want there's no like chart there's no you know kindness gives you three and emptying the dishwasher

00:25:52.820 gives you ten there's not you decide you decide so let's say you're you know what you're you're

00:25:58.180 feeling good today everyone gets a whole pile of gems and maybe the next day maybe you would say

00:26:02.580 you know what we're having a hard day but we've only had three tantrums not six i'm putting i'm

00:26:07.600 putting gems in the jar you know what we're doing well we're trying our best you decide how to fill

00:26:12.420 this up the rule is though that the kids can't put gems in only you and they can't tell on themselves

00:26:20.900 they can't come up to you and say mom i just put sister's book away but what they can do is

00:26:27.760 they can tell on their siblings so sibling come up and say mom sister just put my book away for me

00:26:34.040 so this is the way to fill it up is to notice the good that's going on you could notice it you could

00:26:39.820 say hey you know what that was a kind way to say thank you or you came to the dinner table when i

00:26:45.640 asked you to come wonderful i'm throwing some gems in you can put gems in you just can't tell on

00:26:51.760 yourself so what that does is it fosters this cooperative kind of feeling in the home where

00:26:58.600 all of a sudden the kids are noticing the good things people around them are doing they might

00:27:03.900 they're going to come up to you and say you know what my sister just said a nice thing to me or my 1.00

00:27:08.900 brother made me a snack you're going to see the kids are all of a sudden going out of their way to

00:27:12.980 like make each other's beds and help them and to say you can go first i just share you know

00:27:18.900 she just shared her toy with me i want you to fill this up and i want it to take less than a week

00:27:24.660 so you have to start noticing the good and i promise you when you start to see little things

00:27:30.960 you will see more and more and more sometimes sometimes it can just feel like there's a black 0.98

00:27:37.580 cloud in our house and it just feels heavy but when you do this activity it starts to shift that and

00:27:45.540 all of a sudden wait a minute like i'm seeing there's lots of positive actually you know my

00:27:50.420 kids you know they're really good they're good kids and this isn't as hard as i thought it was you

00:27:56.020 know and and there's lots of great things going on and that was really kind what they did so it helps

00:28:01.680 us in our parenting it helps us in our homeschooling our teaching but it also helps the siblings

00:28:07.880 to remember that hey you know what there's lots of really good kind things about this family and we

00:28:13.900 can we can get along well we can cooperate so this has been a really powerful tool you use any jar so

00:28:20.700 what happens sometimes is a parent will be like oh i love this idea i'm gonna i'm gonna go and buy this

00:28:26.280 beautiful thing i'm gonna make this and it's gonna be great and guess what then it never happens

00:28:31.660 because you had this amazing idea and you were gonna make a poster and and it became like a thing on

00:28:38.520 your list no just get any jar any bowl any cup find anything you've got multiples of in the house

00:28:45.260 i i will say i will say uh marshmallows don't go well because they go missing i will say i had one

00:28:54.280 family use chocolate covered espresso beans not recommend it that was a wild homeschool day for

00:29:01.880 but something of course make sure it's safe if you've got littles you know all of that but

00:29:08.680 the gem jar the bean jar something you can start at any time there's very few rules you decide this

00:29:15.500 has been a really great tool to just change the atmosphere in your home and start having more

00:29:20.560 positivity start seeing the good and now but what about on the flip side when they say no or when they

00:29:29.400 don't do it or you ask them for a redo and they do it again but they're stomping and rolling their eyes

00:29:34.160 again that's when we have what i'm calling the job jar so this would be different than family work this

00:29:40.980 would be different than chores this is the job jar so this would be like oh sassy sarah you know this

00:29:47.960 would be sarah i gave you an instruction to come to the table and you chose not to so you need to go

00:29:54.640 get a job from the job jar so sarah has to go kind of sarah has to go she's got to pull one of these

00:30:01.400 out and she's got to do what it says this says wipe down all bathroom sinks so maybe someone is rude 1.00

00:30:09.520 and sassy wipe the table legs when's the last time you cleaned your kitchen table legs i'm guessing never 1.00

00:30:16.380 so just a damp cloth i will tell you uh i will tell you i've given my kids a spray bottle it was a bad

00:30:25.840 idea bad idea just a damp cloth is the best empty the kitchen garbage age appropriate of course there's

00:30:34.620 one in here too that i love i always throw one in called mercy because you know there's mercy for us

00:30:42.680 sometimes sometimes we don't get what we deserve right and so the cutest thing ever is when my kids

00:30:48.500 would be digging in the job jar and they'd be saying oh please mercy please please verse and then oh and

00:30:54.780 here it is i don't know if you can see that can you see it mercy hooray and so then we would talk about

00:31:01.800 that we would talk about our faith and our life and how good god is so these are some ideas now i have

00:31:08.100 here i'll share my screen i have here oh i'll just show it to you oh that's the wrong thing there we go

00:31:19.940 i'll show never mind i have i couldn't do it i have a list if you're thinking i don't know what to put

00:31:28.080 in the job jar i don't know what to do i have a list i was going to share it to you but it's got probably

00:31:34.100 a couple hundred different ideas based on ages so if you would like that as a free resource i'll type

00:31:40.980 the email into the chat and if you send me an email whether you're watching this live or you're

00:31:46.760 watching it later send me an email and i'll type it in now uh and i will send you that resource i will

00:31:55.700 absolutely it's just families matter most at gmail.com and you can say hey jen can i please

00:32:03.940 have the job jar list so all you're going to do is go through that list you're going to cut out the

00:32:09.800 ones that are meaningful to you that you think would work that are appropriate cut them out stick

00:32:14.960 them in a jar you're good to go so i feel like i'm trying to do everything i can to make sure that

00:32:20.600 you you're good there's nothing you don't need to go to a store you can start with whatever you have

00:32:25.600 and you can work on this this is a way to work on character development to work on discipleship

00:32:31.980 to reach our kids hearts because that's important and if i can help you to do that without yelling

00:32:37.820 without without overreacting without taking it personally without getting emotional something

00:32:46.820 that i will do is i'll say to myself sometimes i'll say to myself sometimes is this typical kid

00:32:52.320 behavior whatever it is is it typical kid behavior and if the answer is yes then i don't need to overreact

00:33:01.020 i don't need i don't need to be emotional it's not personal i promise you this your kids did not

00:33:10.380 wake up this morning with a plan to make you miserable i promise you they didn't like they

00:33:15.700 did not they didn't wake up and was like i'm gonna disobey mom today or what can i do to like make dad

00:33:23.260 angry they they don't they have their own thing they want to be connected with you they 100%

00:33:31.000 do they want to be connected you are the most important people in their lives they want that

00:33:38.100 connection they are not waking up it is not intentional they have their own stuff to work

00:33:43.100 on they really do and so we're gonna help them with that and if we can reduce our emotion that will

00:33:49.640 help us to reach their hearts because i'll tell you if we can stay calm and deal with the situation

00:33:56.680 let's say our kid has to take something out of the job jar they have to go and wipe a table leg and

00:34:02.060 then they come back they come back and say okay i did it i did it i wiped the table leg then you have

00:34:07.880 an opportunity to talk to them if you're calm and if they are calm too and i find the job jar is the

00:34:13.900 most effective way i have i've experimented with all the things with the going to bed early removing

00:34:20.460 privileges taking away screens um fining them allowance we've done it all but the job jar is

00:34:28.580 the most effective because it's immediate it happens right now they have to work it out and so maybe

00:34:35.180 they're angry when they start going but it's something physical they have to wipe something

00:34:39.500 they have to do some kind of movement we're not sending them away to time out to sit by themselves

00:34:46.400 and think about it we're actually getting them to work what i like about it is they're not we're not

00:34:51.500 saying get out of my sight we're saying okay you know what you actually took away from the family

00:34:57.740 here like you took away some of the value of the family you need to add something back in so you're

00:35:02.460 gonna do that and then we're gonna talk about it and so i i like that i feel like it works well i think

00:35:08.640 the physicality of it is good for our kids to work out some of their frustration lots of times a kid

00:35:14.760 might stomp into it they get their job fine and they're wiping down the table and then they come

00:35:21.760 back and they're calmer and they're like okay i did it it's done and now we're able to talk the goal is

00:35:27.500 when you can see into their eyes and you've ever had that where you can look into their eyes

00:35:35.160 and you feel that connection you feel like there is something there where you're both listening

00:35:40.980 you're hearing what they're saying they're hearing what you're saying and in that moment

00:35:45.620 whatever you say to them is going to go right into their heart like when i say reaching their heart

00:35:51.860 in that moment anything you say is going to go directly into their heart so let's let's be careful

00:35:59.180 that we aren't angry we're not overreacting we're not bitter we're not

00:36:07.280 moving into that punitive i want you to pay now so i'm going to say something because i want you to

00:36:15.780 feel hurt now because i felt hurt or you hurt your sister like let's let's really be careful of that

00:36:23.160 and just recognize that we have an opportunity to speak life into them and yes the behavior might not

00:36:31.020 be okay it and we need to work on it absolutely uh but the heart is important and we don't want to

00:36:38.680 we don't want to risk that we don't want to lose our connection with our kid so in closing i wanted to

00:36:47.900 i want i'm going to try sharing my screen one more time because i wanted you to see

00:36:53.020 this let's see what did i do wrong i wanted you to see this uh i also will add this if you want if

00:37:02.860 you send me an email i will add this to what you get uh let's see you should be able to see this

00:37:14.320 yep i got it right this time okay so when you get a puppy do you know how to tell how big that dog is

00:37:24.880 going to end up being you probably do right you have to look at their paws they can be the tiniest

00:37:32.320 little puppy but if you look and they have massive paws you know what kind of dog you're dealing with

00:37:38.860 you know they're really cute and small right now but they are going to be massive you can tell by

00:37:44.360 looking into their paws and at first when you get this puppy they're they're sweet and they're

00:37:49.360 chewing on everything and they crash into the wall and they make a mess but they are growing into their

00:37:56.640 paws they are developing they are becoming who they were created to be and what if we think about

00:38:02.980 our kids that way how can we help our kids develop their strengths while they are learning to manage

00:38:08.500 their god-given personalities so if i were to say to you my child is so bossy my child is bossy

00:38:19.280 they are always arguing with me they think they're right all the time they want to be in charge of

00:38:25.380 their siblings they don't like you know they they want to go first they don't like when someone else

00:38:31.260 has the idea of the game they want it to be their game right then we would say oh is that leadership

00:38:38.440 actually maybe their paws right there's leadership there they're growing into their paws so wouldn't

00:38:47.220 it make sense if i were to say to you our kids are going to get it wrong before they get it right

00:38:53.220 right aren't we when we're learning something we're figuring something out we probably are going to get

00:38:59.860 it wrong before we get it right so a child that is learning developing leadership how would they get

00:39:07.680 it wrong at first yeah doesn't that make more sense well of course a child with leadership inside them

00:39:16.900 okay how does that go wrong well they're bossy they lead but it's not in a fun way it becomes harsh

00:39:24.020 they're impatient they're inflexible they always have to be first they want to lead but nobody wants

00:39:30.660 to follow right like that of course that could look that could look like a leader child growing into

00:39:39.820 their paws you know what if what if it's not on this piece of paper i think it's on the next page here

00:39:46.580 what if you've got someone super artistic oh great it's not here well we have creative what if you've

00:39:52.880 got someone super artistic and their god-given personality is going to be something along the

00:40:00.420 lines of storytelling creative um yeah imaginating like come imaginating imagining thank you like that

00:40:13.380 wasn't what if what if that was their gifting well if they're gonna get it wrong before they get it right

00:40:19.160 wouldn't it make sense then that okay they might have a hard time with storytelling so maybe lying

00:40:26.120 could be an issue or you know push stretching the truth a little bit to make it more enticing to make

00:40:36.220 it more interesting that could be something they struggle with if we've got someone that's super

00:40:41.140 creative yeah lying could be an issue um it could also be like that they have a harder time

00:40:48.220 deciphering deciphering between like daydreaming and what really happened so sometimes with younger

00:40:53.840 kids it's not really a lie it's just what i wish could happen or what i imagine could happen

00:40:58.900 what if you've got someone super creative but it's a little bit more artistic they love crafts they love

00:41:04.520 to draw they love art maybe their god-given destiny is going to be something down the road where

00:41:11.860 they're an artist they're crafting something how does that look for you raising them they're gonna

00:41:17.800 get it wrong before they get it right that's gonna look like a bunch of different craft projects half

00:41:24.500 done piles all over your house it's gonna be messy it's gonna look like you coming into the room and

00:41:30.880 your child was like i had this great idea i took apart the coffee table and i'm gonna paint this thing

00:41:36.300 on it it's right that's what you're gonna be dealing with of course of course it would what if you have

00:41:43.480 a child whose core is going to be justice motivated like this is this group this group of of adults of

00:41:53.460 parents of grandparents of coaches of mentors of pastors freedom is very important to you

00:41:58.860 so if you had a child that was justice motivated what would that look like for them to grow into

00:42:07.060 their paws what would it look like for them to get it wrong before they got it right it would look like

00:42:13.420 no fair no fair if you've got a no fair kid and everything's about the fairness well actually it's

00:42:22.340 about justice it's about what they think is right and what they think is wrong and it's no fair as

00:42:29.940 they're developing this character as they're growing into their paws yeah they could be a little lawyer

00:42:36.840 looking for loopholes trying to get out of stuff badgering they could be argumentative maybe they

00:42:42.740 refuse to apologize they could be obsessed with the fairness of it yeah so i want you to think about

00:42:51.720 the most difficult frustrating aspects of your children or the kids in your life and let's think

00:42:59.360 about it this way instead of what i don't enjoy about them and i know you love them but instead of

00:43:06.680 that what if it's okay what what is inside them that we're going to develop and instead of being upset

00:43:14.360 with how they're created let's let's really think about what can we do to bring out the gold okay if i've

00:43:21.540 got a justice motivated kid let's talk about that let's talk about it and let's work on developing

00:43:27.140 that idea of the right way and the wrong way to go about it and how can i help them in that if you've

00:43:32.460 got a leader as a kid how can i help them to see okay yeah you want to lead but you also want people

00:43:38.560 to follow so we got we got to work on some of these skills you know if you've got even at the bottom

00:43:44.740 here if you've got a child that deep down there's kindness in them even that even though you're

00:43:50.280 thinking that could be a good thing and it is but where we can get it wrong is we can move too far

00:43:57.260 into people pleasing we can move too far into we're too lenient we're going to compromise we can't speak

00:44:04.100 up maybe maybe our child avoids conflict and they won't stand up they won't say no they won't

00:44:11.080 right we can get it wrong that way too so no matter what no matter what their god-given character

00:44:17.640 qualities are there's always those weaknesses that we get to help them we get to encourage them to

00:44:23.760 develop in it so let's not make it mean we're doing something wrong as parents let's not make it mean

00:44:29.880 that we have failed somehow no our kids are our kids and i'm going to stop sharing and instead of

00:44:38.400 overreacting taking it personal making it mean that we've failed somehow and we have to fix them

00:44:44.560 let's instead just think of it as like oh okay you know what i think we're gonna work on developing

00:44:51.100 kindness i think we're gonna work on you know justice and what that looks like i think we're

00:44:56.260 gonna i see that there's creativity there's artistic you know abilities and talents and giftings in you

00:45:02.300 but we need to work on following through and diligence and responsibility let's think of it

00:45:08.220 that way so i wanted to leave you with that i wanted to leave you with hopefully hopefully you

00:45:13.340 feel encouraged to make character the most important thing yes academics do matter of course but that's a

00:45:20.920 different webinar this webinar is about reaching the hearts of your kids you can do it you can do it and

00:45:29.900 still have obedience you can do it and still have consequences but these consequences are designed

00:45:36.240 to help you still connect reach the hearts of your kids not overreact and really work with them as they

00:45:42.420 are developing character so that's it that's what i have for you today i would love your questions if

00:45:49.000 you send me an email to the website that i've put in the chat thank you doris for adding that in i will

00:45:55.020 send you that quality list if that will be helpful and i can send you the job jar list also

00:46:01.180 that's fantastic and if you're listening to this after we're live right now just make sure you put in

00:46:08.540 the in the email what you were listening to and and what you would like to do jen actually has so many

00:46:16.260 resources on her web page there's courses there's uh newsletters and coaching and podcasts i just

00:46:23.080 encourage you to check it out there's more freebies on her website as well i was just checking them out

00:46:27.640 last night printing some off no you know even though um my kids are a little bit older i wish that i had

00:46:35.200 some of these tools when i was when they were young but uh but i love all the ideas and uh good ideas to

00:46:42.640 for even grandkids like we were uh just seeing in the chat several of us are our grandparents already

00:46:49.560 that's exciting um jen there's so many gems in there oh the gem jar great i love the developing

00:47:00.640 the strengths while learning to manage their god-given you know like just just how we can

00:47:05.860 actually take a look at at like okay who did god make my child to be and how can i help them to

00:47:12.380 develop that and and what's the redeemed version of that look like i love that that's so good

00:47:19.200 and for all of us that have um you know like each of our kids is so unique and different and

00:47:24.540 and being able to to kind of customize our our parenting i think is so important that's wonderful

00:47:30.760 um yeah does anybody if anybody has any questions uh feel free to put them in the chat um it's just so

00:47:39.660 good there's so many things here that are wonderful here um and i love that what you also said about

00:47:45.960 your kids are gonna get it wrong before they get it right you know like just you know in job in job

00:47:51.220 training it's just you know you know that you're gonna you know they need hands-on um experience and

00:47:58.600 and it's okay and i love just the no shame here you know and just taking the emotion out of it

00:48:04.580 just uh and realizing that just because your kids do something that you know is is uh is not

00:48:11.100 appropriate or whatever it doesn't mean that they're that they're you know bad kids or they

00:48:16.280 really want to to develop that um jenna i did have a question for you um i think i know some of the

00:48:22.480 answers to this but i'd love to ask you anyways um what are some resources like i know that you have

00:48:28.540 so many resources what are some other things that people can can you know if they're really interested

00:48:33.560 in going more into this is there anything that you recommend well i will tell you some of my

00:48:39.540 foundational training so please go to my website because i've got free resources there too and a

00:48:46.440 podcast the podcast is great because i can do a deeper dive than let's say a little tiktok video you

00:48:52.440 know i can actually spend some time going into a deeper topic so i do really recommend that um i will

00:49:00.040 say i will say some okay so my original training my parent coaching was from an organization called

00:49:07.820 biblicalparenting.org i love their resources um i teach some similar things originally i when i started

00:49:17.380 finding the tools uh most of them came from that organization and eventually they hired me

00:49:23.680 and i was teaching parenting webinars from them the problem is the problem is over time i started

00:49:30.980 picking up my own things and kind of morphing and so as some of them so eventually i had to make i made

00:49:36.520 the decision that okay you know i use some and i found some other things that i think are a little

00:49:41.020 bit more effective but i would say as a whole their website is amazing they have a search bar you can

00:49:47.700 type in whatever it is you're looking for and they've got some some free resources and then they have

00:49:52.860 some options for some paid things that i think are really valuable i think it's worth it i would

00:49:57.600 recommend that um i really love gordon neufeld his book hold on to your kids i've taken parent training

00:50:04.040 from him uh a lot of my anxiety teaching oh you've got it right there i love it love it yep i love gabor

00:50:13.940 mate i love gordon neufeld um a lot yeah a lot of the anxiety and the anger teaching that i do i i specialize

00:50:22.600 i'll tell you my jam my specialties are strong-willed kids because i have one and i am one again and

00:50:31.060 and anxiety and anger like those would be like my specialties so i would recommend that um

00:50:38.500 those would be my two top for sure for sure i i do love that now i if i could offer a caution

00:50:47.240 a caution something that i know is really popular right now that i would i would say just be careful

00:50:53.440 is the whole gentle parenting trend right now there is a trend towards something called gentle

00:50:59.380 parenting and it's not all bad there are some really great things but i think what it's done

00:51:04.040 without without truly diving deep into what gentle parenting really is it ends up looking like

00:51:10.860 permissive parenting and then we lose it and we yell and then it becomes reactive parenting

00:51:16.260 so i would just my caution would be to avoid just getting gentle parenting tips off of social media

00:51:23.160 because you're only getting a minute or two at a time and all it will do is make you feel bad for

00:51:28.280 getting angry and not actually give you the tools to what to do we still need to have consequences

00:51:35.260 so that would be my like little red flag be careful of that yeah that's really good thank you and what

00:51:42.080 are some resources in relation to this if people want to dive deeper into this topic what do you have

00:51:47.460 that people can can maybe um yeah springboard yeah well on my podcast there is an episode i don't have

00:51:55.120 the numbers memorized but there's a what an episode called the alpha kid if you've got a strong-willed

00:52:00.460 kid i would recommend looking up the alpha kid because some kids are strong-willed some kids are

00:52:08.120 next level strong-willed and i call them alphas and for those kids it's not about choices for those kids

00:52:14.480 it's it's it's about power and if you've got one of those kids i would strongly recommend you find that

00:52:21.160 podcast episode on my website or wherever you get your podcast type in families matter most and you'll be

00:52:27.720 able to search through all of them there's over a hundred um there's another one called your seven

00:52:32.620 year old and i talk about as i mentioned why i get more phone calls from parents of seven year olds

00:52:39.200 than any other age now beyond that my podcast has more strategies and tools for specific things like

00:52:46.120 lying for example dealing with anger having trying to stay calm so i would say yeah absolutely use the

00:52:54.100 podcast as a free resource and please share it share it now my website and podcast aren't

00:53:00.360 specifically christian i try to keep it open for everyone and so in these settings i can i'll be more

00:53:06.240 open about my faith in the podcast i might say something like well for me my faith is important to me

00:53:12.840 and then for you you decide so i would encourage you if you don't mind to to please refer and and

00:53:19.580 share the podcast with people in your life believers non-believers anyone that you think uh it could be

00:53:26.280 a useful resource to i will say um referral is the number one word of mouth is the number one way

00:53:34.340 that my business has grown so i'm super grateful anytime someone has shared this business um to another

00:53:42.360 family a school a church an organization i really appreciate that that's great and if people

00:53:49.520 are interested in having you come in to speak how would they get a hold of you send me yeah why

00:53:54.840 don't you reach out through the email there um families matter most at gmail.com or of course they

00:54:01.940 can find you laurie and you can get me connected but i would love to if you have an organization if

00:54:08.140 you have a family or if you yourself are interested in private coaching yeah let's connect let's have a

00:54:13.020 free little zoom call and talk about what that might look like yeah that's awesome and just as a

00:54:19.400 testimonial i have done her private coaching as well i don't know if you still um have that but it was

00:54:26.000 wonderful it really helped us in a time of need so so i highly recommend jen dean and families matters

00:54:32.740 most it's been so good to have you doris did you have any uh comments that you wanted to add in here

00:54:39.320 before we close out today yeah i just wanted to um add to that even though this was directed to

00:54:46.960 homeschoolers this these parenting tips um apply to all parents and like you said whether they're

00:54:53.960 christian or even non-christian they apply so well to all parents it brought me back to the years when i

00:54:59.400 was a young mom and having a seven-year-old and uh and uh some of those tips it's such a great

00:55:08.040 refresher for me now as a grandparent yeah and uh how to uh just be that grandma in their life

00:55:15.340 and following up with the same principles because it helps the parents as well if i'm being as diligent

00:55:21.900 as a as a grandma because i do spend a lot of time with them and uh it's just yeah your work is

00:55:29.380 very very appreciated and uh we will close now and uh thank you for everybody for signing in and uh

00:55:37.940 jen dean especially your words today and may god be with you as you continue to influence so many

00:55:43.920 people thank you so much doris yeah

00:55:51.900 you

Action4Canada - January 18, 2025

Reaching the Heart of Your Kids

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