Action4Canada - January 18, 2025


Reaching the Heart of Your Kids


Episode Stats


Length

55 minutes

Words per minute

173.64276

Word count

9,702

Sentence count

4

Harmful content

Misogyny

5

sentences flagged

Toxicity

1

sentences flagged

Hate speech

1

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

Why are we homeschooling our kids? Why do you homeschool? What are the reasons behind homeschool and why are we doing it? In this episode of the chat, we talk about what we are looking for in a homeschooler and how we are trying to reach our kids.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.000 we want to have a strong connection with our kids that's really really important so in the chat
00:00:07.760 i want you to think about this i want you to think about why are you homeschooling or why are you
00:00:14.700 thinking about homeschooling i'm assuming you're homeschooling or considering it so why why is this
00:00:20.200 important to you i would love i would love for you to type that into the chat i would love to
00:00:26.040 kind of see why are why are we here why are we homeschooling as a homeschooler a former homeschooler
00:00:32.900 i love homeschooling did i love it every day no but overall loved homeschooling i loved being with
00:00:43.560 my kids i miss sitting on the couch talking about current events discussing debating critiquing i
00:00:51.520 miss um watching videos together and discussing it i miss family prayer that was really important
00:00:59.960 that we did as a family together i i miss just the conversations i miss reading aloud when they
00:01:07.520 were younger i miss that so so i would love to know like what is it why are we homeschooling
00:01:15.380 our children today so type that into the chat if you can um a little bit about me i've been doing
00:01:22.100 this for over a decade and it started because i had three young boys one of which displayed symptoms of
00:01:30.560 of odd oppositional defiance extremely strong willed um some of my kids struggled with anger um some of my
00:01:39.340 kids struggle with anxiety and and difficulty regulating emotions i found it so much more
00:01:45.940 challenging than than the diaper commercials made it seem they made it seem like everything is fun
00:01:50.820 and cute right uh no it was really hard and so my my pattern what i would kind of do on the daily is i
00:01:58.780 would get my kids loaded into the minivan they were safe finally get going out of the house and then i
00:02:04.720 would sit on my step and cry and i felt like the worst mother in the world i felt like i had no idea
00:02:13.280 what i was doing i felt like i was yelling at my kids all day i was trying to make them obey i was
00:02:19.400 trying to get them to do things and i was missing their heart completely that was me i was sitting at
00:02:26.760 the end of on my step in my driveway and i was crying and and i felt like i felt honestly like
00:02:34.560 i felt the lord say to my heart one day you're going to use this to help some people you're
00:02:40.320 going to be able to help some other moms and i thought no way no there is no way i don't even
00:02:45.700 know how to do anything in my own family never mind right so if i can encourage you if you're here
00:02:53.220 with kids right now then this is a great place we're going to talk about how to reach their heart
00:02:58.460 and build connection if you feel like the worst parent in the world i need you to know
00:03:03.560 i've been there and there is absolutely hope that you were given your babies and you have what it
00:03:11.620 takes i need you to hear that you have what it takes to reach their hearts but it does require
00:03:17.880 some work so let's go to our chat why are we there if you're here and you're you don't have kids maybe
00:03:23.780 you're here because you work with kids you've got grandkids you coach kids you pastor kids beautiful
00:03:29.860 these strategies can also work so you are here for discipleship yes uh you're hoping to gain more
00:03:37.000 confidence and educate your kids well to instill good values and character i love it i love it i had
00:03:45.460 a negative experience in the school system and now i'm raising my five-year-old grandson beautiful
00:03:52.200 welcome absolutely um three grandchildren in a christian school yes okay okay but you suspect
00:04:01.900 things are changing i've with my three boys we did all the school we did public school we did private
00:04:07.820 school christian school and homeschool and and homeschool was my favorite it really was for me
00:04:15.340 absolutely it was uh wonderful interesting though notice getting an a in math wasn't on any of the chat
00:04:23.860 list like academics is probably not the number one reason you're homeschooling i'm guessing which is so
00:04:33.760 interesting because when we think about the stress of regular homeschool life a lot of it is around
00:04:39.000 academics and yet when we think about it the reason we homeschool is what strong family values family
00:04:47.540 connection character development discipleship uh instilling good values in our like all of
00:04:55.100 these beautiful reasons we homeschool academics is important don't don't get me wrong but is it the
00:05:03.180 very top of the list maybe not maybe not so i'm gonna challenge you a little bit there i'm gonna
00:05:10.020 challenge you i don't think that academics is the number one reason it's up there i want my kids to be
00:05:17.600 able to be successful in life wherever god leads them whether that's post-secondary running a business
00:05:23.960 whatever they're doing i want that for them and so that might mean high academics for sure but it is not
00:05:29.580 the number one reason uh concern about math and other stuff yes absolutely absolutely we're gonna
00:05:37.540 that's all important but what if we can raise kids who have character to be responsible to do hard
00:05:46.780 things to overcome they've got the grit and resilience to be able to keep trying when they fail
00:05:53.400 they know how to figure things out and solve their problems um they know how to learn they know how they
00:06:00.240 learn best they know what to do to learn they would be unstoppable right if there was some subject that
00:06:08.920 they needed for something down the road they would know what it takes to get that done and so i feel
00:06:15.740 like let's focus on the qualities of life that are going to help them be successful in whatever they're
00:06:20.220 doing and then let's add the academics to that deal so that's what i'm going to focus on today because
00:06:26.240 my session today is not on how to teach math my session is how to connect and reach the hearts of
00:06:33.980 your kids and i just want to say that looking back i think i spent a little more time than i needed to
00:06:41.020 fighting over the math and the reading and maybe i could have spent a little bit more time focusing on
00:06:48.280 character development that's that's what i will offer you today as a homeschool veteran um what do you
00:06:56.480 think type it in the chat does god care more about our behavior or our heart
00:07:01.700 what do you think what does god care more about
00:07:08.000 it's kind of a trick question because we i hope you're going to say heart
00:07:14.560 right god cares about our hearts more than our outward behavior and yet if we're honest when we
00:07:23.800 think about the regular frustrations of day-to-day life with kids we get stuck on the behavior don't
00:07:30.280 we we get stuck on the annoying and the frustrating and the the things they do we get stuck on the
00:07:36.460 behavior but god cares more about our heart than about our behavior now is our behavior important
00:07:42.800 yes i would say yes but can we like consider that can we consider what should we be more focused on
00:07:52.360 should we be more focused on the heart in our kids or more more focused on the behavior and that's where
00:07:58.800 i would challenge and say i think the heart i think the heart comes first that's that would be that's
00:08:06.400 that's what i am professing is we are going to focus on the heart first over behavior behavior is
00:08:14.260 important but it's not more important than the heart proverbs 23 7 you know this the lord doesn't
00:08:20.580 look at things people look at i'm paraphrasing the lord looks at the heart we know this is the case
00:08:27.220 there's a joke about a seven-year-old i will tell you i get more emails and phone calls from parents
00:08:32.220 of seven-year-olds than any other age they are a fun bunch so if you've got a six to eight-year-old
00:08:39.460 in there just know i feel you it is a challenge that is like by far the number one most phone calls
00:08:46.020 i get is for parents of seven-year-olds it is a challenging phase uh there's a story of a seven-year-old
00:08:52.640 girl her parents are trying to get her to come to the table for dinner and she's not you know no i don't
00:08:58.380 want to come i want to play i don't want to be here so the parents are getting mad they're saying
00:09:03.340 no you come and sit down it's time to sit we're going to eat our dinner you have to stop playing
00:09:07.700 i don't want to it's a big battle finally finally little seven-year-old sarah she comes over to the
00:09:14.420 table she sits down she says i'm sitting on the outside but i'm standing on the inside
00:09:23.180 and that is our seven-year-old
00:09:27.160 so the behavior yes she did she did technically obey she did come and sit at the table but what
00:09:39.560 was her heart doing her heart was standing and that's what i want us to think about oftentimes
00:09:49.100 when i'm working with families parents will say things like you know i don't like his attitude
00:09:54.240 and he stomps across the room and he huffs at me and he's rude and sassy but he technically did do
00:10:01.700 what i asked so i feel like i can't have a consequence because technically like he did do it and i would i
00:10:09.660 would say no actually we care more about the heart so what that means is in fact if we ask our child
00:10:17.080 to come to the table and they are huffing and stomping and rolling their eyes and being miserable
00:10:23.700 well even if their behavior their outward behavior might look like it's obeying what's going on in
00:10:30.300 their heart yeah there is disobedience there is rebellion there is anger so we can actually we can
00:10:40.120 have a consequence for that we can discipline for that we can and and probably what i would suggest
00:10:47.800 just to have a little bit of grace as we're working on these things is you could call sarah aside you
00:10:52.760 could say sarah now you did come and sit sit at the table but that was not calm that was not respectful
00:11:00.400 we need to try that again so i love the redo i love a redo what that will do is it will tell you
00:11:07.520 what's going on right away because if i ask sarah sassy sarah to have a redo one of two things are 0.76
00:11:16.160 going to happen she's either going to say okay and she's going to do it and she's going to watch
00:11:23.200 herself this time and choose to obey in which case we can say that's great fantastic you chose to do the
00:11:29.760 right thing high five come on let's have some dinner or she's going to look you in the eye and 1.00
00:11:34.980 say no no i meant it like that and i would do it again so so then you know a hundred percent you know
00:11:43.700 exactly what's going on in the heart and we can move to a consequence so i think the redo is a powerful
00:11:49.400 tool it's a way that you can connect uh you can find out it will reveal really quickly what's going on
00:11:56.320 in the heart and it will kind of force your kids to make a choice okay what am i going to do here
00:12:00.400 i can't do both i can't kind of obey but do it with a bad attitude i have to choose and so i think
00:12:07.940 it's a great way to help your kids work through that in the chat what do you think about that maybe
00:12:13.200 you're already doing something something along those lines have you ever instead of yelling threatening
00:12:19.960 begging getting mad have you ever considered just pausing and having a redo how'd that go
00:12:26.900 in the chat it says the redo is so good good i'm glad you're already doing that it's it's a wonderful
00:12:33.580 way to encourage our kids to make a better choice without turning it into a big deal now sometimes our
00:12:39.760 kids turn it into a big deal which is okay that's typical kid behavior but in the chat what do we think
00:12:46.540 about the redo what do we think i would love to hear your thoughts on that um as you're typing
00:12:55.820 i feel like what's interesting is you could you could think of discipline and you can think of
00:13:02.280 punishment and we use the words interchangeably but punishment is really like i need to make you pay
00:13:10.780 it's punitive when you think about you know somebody exacting something on some i need to make
00:13:17.440 someone else hurt i need to make them suffer i need to make them have to pay a price when in fact
00:13:23.660 what we are called to as disciples is to discipline so to discipline is to make disciples so instead of
00:13:31.940 thinking about what they did wrong one thing that will really help is as you're working through some of
00:13:38.460 the harder harder things in parenting and homeschooling think what do i want them to do
00:13:44.020 not what am i mad at them for doing because that leads you down a path of punishment punitive instead
00:13:51.200 what do i want them to do what do i wish they did instead what do i want to teach them and let's come
00:13:58.660 up with a consequence that's more in line with that so notice even in the redo we're encouraging our kids
00:14:05.360 to make a better choice and to follow through doing it the way that we want it to be done so
00:14:10.920 no slamming no stomping no eye rolling we're just going to do it so when i ask you to take out your
00:14:16.740 math or it's time to practice reading if you're going to stomp and throw a pillow off the couch well
00:14:22.180 come on let's try that again let's try it again let's try it and let's have a better attitude this
00:14:27.240 time you know what we're going to read and it's going to be great let's just do it let's practice
00:14:31.000 walking over calmly because i'll tell you this kids do not grow out of the phases we tell this
00:14:39.060 is something we oh they'll grow out of it oh the terrible twos which which i don't even i think two
00:14:44.960 year olds are so fun oh you know the difficult threes whatever it is oh they'll grow out of it i
00:14:50.520 promise you they will not the temper tantrums change how they look is different but the character
00:14:57.400 doesn't the behaviors at their root don't so a two-year-old throwing a tantrum if we don't work
00:15:03.620 on developing the character that will become a five-year-old that stomps that will become a nine-year-old
00:15:11.200 that yells they can still throw themselves on the floor and scream and kick and yell that could become
00:15:17.100 an 11-year-old that lies that could become a 15-year-old that argues that lies that slams doors
00:15:26.020 right it doesn't go away we still have to develop the character and a redo is a really effective way
00:15:33.140 to do it i'm grateful you know i'm grateful in the bible that god uses words with me i can read his
00:15:41.960 word i can get wisdom i can right oftentimes the holy spirit right there's just like god will use
00:15:48.960 words with me and if i'm wise i will obey them uh so let's not be afraid to utilize that let's not
00:15:57.980 be afraid to pull our kid aside and be like hey you know what i've noticed this is going on i see this
00:16:03.100 as a pattern i see that you have a really hard time sharing with your your brother or i notice when
00:16:09.680 you're playing a video game you have a hard time turning it off hmm okay i'm so i'm gonna talk to you
00:16:15.880 about it this time but if words don't work we are gonna move to actions and let's give them the
00:16:22.500 opportunity a redo is a great way so doris says the redo takes time but it is worth it in the long run
00:16:28.060 amy says it's better than what i thought yeah yeah which is great so let's utilize the redo let's not be
00:16:35.940 afraid to use words but can i say words one time where we fail often is we can use too many words
00:16:45.060 too often so so i know you're like jen just said to use words and now she's saying don't use words
00:16:51.560 what what is this what what i mean is i like to teach that we give an instruction and then we give
00:16:59.600 one reminder and that's it that's it we give one reminder and i want the reminder to not be
00:17:06.860 a threat a beg so i'll give you an example so the instruction might be sarah it's time to come sit at
00:17:13.960 the table now for dinner that might be right and then sarah's not coming so then i i like to offer
00:17:20.100 one reminder sarah i gave you an instruction remember it's time to come to the table to eat
00:17:26.000 notice i did not say i did not say sarah please please will you come and sit at the table this is
00:17:35.600 so hard i do everything for you i've cooked this dinner the least you can do right i'm not begging
00:17:41.500 i'm not saying sarah you better come to the table or else i'm gonna start counting or else you know
00:17:47.800 what um if you don't come to the table i'm gonna take tv away no that would be a threat i'm not doing
00:17:54.320 that i'm reminding her of the instruction i gave her and then if she chooses not to obey then we're
00:18:01.860 gonna move to a consequence and i i do have some ideas for you for consequences because that always
00:18:08.020 happens we get through the character piece and then parents are like but what do we do when they say
00:18:14.000 no what do we do when they disobey so we we are gonna get there what i want you to to leave this
00:18:20.940 portion of connecting with our kids i want you to leave with this everything stops for character
00:18:27.560 character is the most important piece and in my homeschool days my kids would try to push back
00:18:34.940 on that i would i would notice something so where i would use words is i might pull someone aside and
00:18:40.980 say hey you know what i think the way that you're talking to your family right now it's kind of mean
00:18:46.360 like can we talk about that so notice that's different than an instruction that is me trying
00:18:52.000 to offer some wisdom that's where i would use words and an instruction i'm going to give the
00:18:57.220 instruction and then i'm going to give one reminder and then we move to action but when we're offering
00:19:03.280 wisdom to pull a kid aside and say hey you know what that didn't come out very very well let's try
00:19:09.200 that again i think that's a great place to use words everything stops for character in our home
00:19:14.780 i can remember multiple times where we were doing some homeschool subject and something would go wrong
00:19:22.360 let's say math because that's a common one for lots of families right math isn't going well
00:19:27.820 kids are angry and so i just pause pause we're pausing math we're going to talk about you know
00:19:34.280 how we treat mom and how we can talk to mom and how we don't talk to mom we're going to talk about
00:19:38.880 you know words that we use and words we don't use we're going to do that and we're going to have a
00:19:43.060 consequence for that which i'm going to get to uh and my kids would push back no i don't have time
00:19:49.320 it's school time i can't i'll have to do it later you know i have to get my math done it's school
00:19:54.300 time and i would say nope everything stops for character everything stops for character oh but
00:20:00.480 i'm supposed to be going to soccer practice right now we have to leave nope everything stops for
00:20:07.120 character oh but my friend's over oh well everything stops for character everything everything
00:20:14.240 character is the most important thing the most important thing so if there is a character weakness
00:20:21.040 in your kids everything stops and we talk about that and maybe we have a consequence for that
00:20:26.940 and that is the most important thing everything stops so stomping redo rudeness out at a mall we can
00:20:37.620 have a redo in the mall you know i don't want to purposely be humiliating or shaming my kids so make
00:20:43.360 it age dependent but there's no reason you can't just politely walk over and say hey you know what let's try
00:20:48.760 that again let's just go over here and try that again or there's no reason you can't pull someone
00:20:54.080 aside and offer wisdom say hey you know what i'm noticing this let's work on this yeah uh so what are
00:21:01.920 we gonna do before i move to consequences what is something in the chat that has stood out to you so
00:21:10.540 far what is something you're gonna leave here with i want to really like make sure we get to the
00:21:16.760 connection piece before we kind of move into the discipline the consequences the because it's
00:21:23.320 important but i think connecting with the kids and reaching their heart is the most important thing and
00:21:29.480 we're gonna do that by developing character i want you to praise every good bit of character you see
00:21:36.080 every good bit you know what that was really kind so kindness that was responsible hey you followed
00:21:42.740 through you finished that assignment without me having to ask you to wonderful you put your boots
00:21:48.880 away when you came in the house fantastic that's great you did that without me asking beautiful so
00:21:55.340 what is something type something in the chat praise good character yeah what's something that you're
00:22:00.460 gonna leave here with that's gonna encourage you as you're going back into your life with kids with
00:22:06.000 grandkids homeschooling teaching mentoring what can you apply from that i love i'm just gonna interrupt
00:22:16.040 here i love the whole like everything stops for character but how you are saying that there's no shame
00:22:23.260 attached to that there's no shame in the redo there's there's just like this is just a learning
00:22:28.200 experience we're gonna take this learning experience and we're not gonna we're not gonna shame we're not
00:22:33.440 gonna punish in that we're like i mean we're gonna get to the consequences but there's no like
00:22:38.060 you are a bad kid or you are a bad girl like it's it's just hey let's do that over again because this
00:22:45.400 matters right i love that practicing what we want our kids to do is like it's like this forgotten tool 0.70
00:22:53.420 we spend a lot of time telling our kids what not to do and i've been there i've spent a lot of time
00:22:59.660 getting upset with my kids for for doing the wrong thing but practicing doing the right thing
00:23:06.400 that is powerful and why not right if i was gonna let's say i was gonna try and run a marathon
00:23:12.340 and i hired a coach for example and that coach just watched me run and said no you're doing it wrong
00:23:18.800 you know your knees oh your ankle no that's not how you run no a coach i mean there might be a little
00:23:25.020 bit of that but i think the coach first would be like let's practice doing it the right way i would
00:23:31.080 say most of my training with my coach would be him teaching me the right way to do it and very little
00:23:37.480 of it would be no no no no no right so let's take that to heart and think everything that frustrates us
00:23:44.840 okay let's go back and say okay how could we practice doing it the right way what do i wish they
00:23:49.080 would do instead and how can i make that a part of our life what do we got to do do we practice it
00:23:54.240 every day do do i talk about it more does the redo help with that i love it so courtney says everyone
00:24:01.600 thrives on positive attention a hundred percent absolutely i mean you could apply that to our
00:24:08.100 marriages and i don't and i don't even mean that in a condescending way seriously if my husband told me
00:24:14.460 hey thanks thanks so much for doing this running this errand for me i really appreciate it guess
00:24:19.920 what i'm gonna think of more errands i can do for him we do more of what people notice what is
00:24:26.140 complimented what is praised so yeah point out every little thing that's good point it out point it out
00:24:33.660 and you will see more of it something that will help with that i want to talk about this this is
00:24:40.200 a gem jar and you can just go to any what dollar store you probably have craft stuff in your house
00:24:46.580 uh you can use beans dried beans dump them in a jar and this is the gem jar or the the bean jar if
00:24:55.400 you're going to use beans and the way that i utilize this is this is a cooperative activity so all of the
00:25:02.260 good character everything good that you see you know someone is kind to someone else someone shares
00:25:07.700 someone does a nice thing someone says good words someone gives a hug someone helps you without
00:25:12.780 being asked or when you ask them they do it with a good attitude and a smile like that's wonderful they
00:25:18.600 do a good job then you're gonna put some gems in the jar so you you dump it out you you put a bunch in
00:25:25.220 now with just no for like this many gems i'm not putting one in at a time i'm putting probably five or
00:25:31.280 ten in at a time because i want to fill this up and if you want to see a transformation in your home
00:25:39.300 do this because my only rules for this is you can put in as many gems as you want for whatever you
00:25:46.080 want there's no like chart there's no you know kindness gives you three and emptying the dishwasher
00:25:52.820 gives you ten there's not you decide you decide so let's say you're you know what you're you're
00:25:58.180 feeling good today everyone gets a whole pile of gems and maybe the next day maybe you would say
00:26:02.580 you know what we're having a hard day but we've only had three tantrums not six i'm putting i'm
00:26:07.600 putting gems in the jar you know what we're doing well we're trying our best you decide how to fill
00:26:12.420 this up the rule is though that the kids can't put gems in only you and they can't tell on themselves
00:26:20.900 they can't come up to you and say mom i just put sister's book away but what they can do is
00:26:27.760 they can tell on their siblings so sibling come up and say mom sister just put my book away for me
00:26:34.040 so this is the way to fill it up is to notice the good that's going on you could notice it you could
00:26:39.820 say hey you know what that was a kind way to say thank you or you came to the dinner table when i
00:26:45.640 asked you to come wonderful i'm throwing some gems in you can put gems in you just can't tell on
00:26:51.760 yourself so what that does is it fosters this cooperative kind of feeling in the home where
00:26:58.600 all of a sudden the kids are noticing the good things people around them are doing they might
00:27:03.900 they're going to come up to you and say you know what my sister just said a nice thing to me or my 1.00
00:27:08.900 brother made me a snack you're going to see the kids are all of a sudden going out of their way to
00:27:12.980 like make each other's beds and help them and to say you can go first i just share you know
00:27:18.900 she just shared her toy with me i want you to fill this up and i want it to take less than a week
00:27:24.660 so you have to start noticing the good and i promise you when you start to see little things
00:27:30.960 you will see more and more and more sometimes sometimes it can just feel like there's a black 0.98
00:27:37.580 cloud in our house and it just feels heavy but when you do this activity it starts to shift that and
00:27:45.540 all of a sudden wait a minute like i'm seeing there's lots of positive actually you know my
00:27:50.420 kids you know they're really good they're good kids and this isn't as hard as i thought it was you
00:27:56.020 know and and there's lots of great things going on and that was really kind what they did so it helps
00:28:01.680 us in our parenting it helps us in our homeschooling our teaching but it also helps the siblings
00:28:07.880 to remember that hey you know what there's lots of really good kind things about this family and we
00:28:13.900 can we can get along well we can cooperate so this has been a really powerful tool you use any jar so
00:28:20.700 what happens sometimes is a parent will be like oh i love this idea i'm gonna i'm gonna go and buy this
00:28:26.280 beautiful thing i'm gonna make this and it's gonna be great and guess what then it never happens
00:28:31.660 because you had this amazing idea and you were gonna make a poster and and it became like a thing on
00:28:38.520 your list no just get any jar any bowl any cup find anything you've got multiples of in the house
00:28:45.260 i i will say i will say uh marshmallows don't go well because they go missing i will say i had one
00:28:54.280 family use chocolate covered espresso beans not recommend it that was a wild homeschool day for
00:29:01.880 but something of course make sure it's safe if you've got littles you know all of that but
00:29:08.680 the gem jar the bean jar something you can start at any time there's very few rules you decide this
00:29:15.500 has been a really great tool to just change the atmosphere in your home and start having more
00:29:20.560 positivity start seeing the good and now but what about on the flip side when they say no or when they
00:29:29.400 don't do it or you ask them for a redo and they do it again but they're stomping and rolling their eyes
00:29:34.160 again that's when we have what i'm calling the job jar so this would be different than family work this
00:29:40.980 would be different than chores this is the job jar so this would be like oh sassy sarah you know this
00:29:47.960 would be sarah i gave you an instruction to come to the table and you chose not to so you need to go
00:29:54.640 get a job from the job jar so sarah has to go kind of sarah has to go she's got to pull one of these
00:30:01.400 out and she's got to do what it says this says wipe down all bathroom sinks so maybe someone is rude 1.00
00:30:09.520 and sassy wipe the table legs when's the last time you cleaned your kitchen table legs i'm guessing never 1.00
00:30:16.380 so just a damp cloth i will tell you uh i will tell you i've given my kids a spray bottle it was a bad
00:30:25.840 idea bad idea just a damp cloth is the best empty the kitchen garbage age appropriate of course there's
00:30:34.620 one in here too that i love i always throw one in called mercy because you know there's mercy for us
00:30:42.680 sometimes sometimes we don't get what we deserve right and so the cutest thing ever is when my kids
00:30:48.500 would be digging in the job jar and they'd be saying oh please mercy please please verse and then oh and
00:30:54.780 here it is i don't know if you can see that can you see it mercy hooray and so then we would talk about
00:31:01.800 that we would talk about our faith and our life and how good god is so these are some ideas now i have
00:31:08.100 here i'll share my screen i have here oh i'll just show it to you oh that's the wrong thing there we go
00:31:19.940 i'll show never mind i have i couldn't do it i have a list if you're thinking i don't know what to put
00:31:28.080 in the job jar i don't know what to do i have a list i was going to share it to you but it's got probably
00:31:34.100 a couple hundred different ideas based on ages so if you would like that as a free resource i'll type
00:31:40.980 the email into the chat and if you send me an email whether you're watching this live or you're
00:31:46.760 watching it later send me an email and i'll type it in now uh and i will send you that resource i will
00:31:55.700 absolutely it's just families matter most at gmail.com and you can say hey jen can i please
00:32:03.940 have the job jar list so all you're going to do is go through that list you're going to cut out the
00:32:09.800 ones that are meaningful to you that you think would work that are appropriate cut them out stick
00:32:14.960 them in a jar you're good to go so i feel like i'm trying to do everything i can to make sure that
00:32:20.600 you you're good there's nothing you don't need to go to a store you can start with whatever you have
00:32:25.600 and you can work on this this is a way to work on character development to work on discipleship
00:32:31.980 to reach our kids hearts because that's important and if i can help you to do that without yelling
00:32:37.820 without without overreacting without taking it personally without getting emotional something
00:32:46.820 that i will do is i'll say to myself sometimes i'll say to myself sometimes is this typical kid
00:32:52.320 behavior whatever it is is it typical kid behavior and if the answer is yes then i don't need to overreact
00:33:01.020 i don't need i don't need to be emotional it's not personal i promise you this your kids did not
00:33:10.380 wake up this morning with a plan to make you miserable i promise you they didn't like they
00:33:15.700 did not they didn't wake up and was like i'm gonna disobey mom today or what can i do to like make dad
00:33:23.260 angry they they don't they have their own thing they want to be connected with you they 100%
00:33:31.000 do they want to be connected you are the most important people in their lives they want that
00:33:38.100 connection they are not waking up it is not intentional they have their own stuff to work
00:33:43.100 on they really do and so we're gonna help them with that and if we can reduce our emotion that will
00:33:49.640 help us to reach their hearts because i'll tell you if we can stay calm and deal with the situation
00:33:56.680 let's say our kid has to take something out of the job jar they have to go and wipe a table leg and
00:34:02.060 then they come back they come back and say okay i did it i did it i wiped the table leg then you have
00:34:07.880 an opportunity to talk to them if you're calm and if they are calm too and i find the job jar is the
00:34:13.900 most effective way i have i've experimented with all the things with the going to bed early removing
00:34:20.460 privileges taking away screens um fining them allowance we've done it all but the job jar is
00:34:28.580 the most effective because it's immediate it happens right now they have to work it out and so maybe
00:34:35.180 they're angry when they start going but it's something physical they have to wipe something
00:34:39.500 they have to do some kind of movement we're not sending them away to time out to sit by themselves
00:34:46.400 and think about it we're actually getting them to work what i like about it is they're not we're not
00:34:51.500 saying get out of my sight we're saying okay you know what you actually took away from the family
00:34:57.740 here like you took away some of the value of the family you need to add something back in so you're
00:35:02.460 gonna do that and then we're gonna talk about it and so i i like that i feel like it works well i think
00:35:08.640 the physicality of it is good for our kids to work out some of their frustration lots of times a kid
00:35:14.760 might stomp into it they get their job fine and they're wiping down the table and then they come
00:35:21.760 back and they're calmer and they're like okay i did it it's done and now we're able to talk the goal is
00:35:27.500 when you can see into their eyes and you've ever had that where you can look into their eyes
00:35:35.160 and you feel that connection you feel like there is something there where you're both listening
00:35:40.980 you're hearing what they're saying they're hearing what you're saying and in that moment
00:35:45.620 whatever you say to them is going to go right into their heart like when i say reaching their heart
00:35:51.860 in that moment anything you say is going to go directly into their heart so let's let's be careful
00:35:59.180 that we aren't angry we're not overreacting we're not bitter we're not
00:36:07.280 moving into that punitive i want you to pay now so i'm going to say something because i want you to
00:36:15.780 feel hurt now because i felt hurt or you hurt your sister like let's let's really be careful of that
00:36:23.160 and just recognize that we have an opportunity to speak life into them and yes the behavior might not
00:36:31.020 be okay it and we need to work on it absolutely uh but the heart is important and we don't want to
00:36:38.680 we don't want to risk that we don't want to lose our connection with our kid so in closing i wanted to
00:36:47.900 i want i'm going to try sharing my screen one more time because i wanted you to see
00:36:53.020 this let's see what did i do wrong i wanted you to see this uh i also will add this if you want if
00:37:02.860 you send me an email i will add this to what you get uh let's see you should be able to see this
00:37:14.320 yep i got it right this time okay so when you get a puppy do you know how to tell how big that dog is
00:37:24.880 going to end up being you probably do right you have to look at their paws they can be the tiniest
00:37:32.320 little puppy but if you look and they have massive paws you know what kind of dog you're dealing with
00:37:38.860 you know they're really cute and small right now but they are going to be massive you can tell by
00:37:44.360 looking into their paws and at first when you get this puppy they're they're sweet and they're
00:37:49.360 chewing on everything and they crash into the wall and they make a mess but they are growing into their
00:37:56.640 paws they are developing they are becoming who they were created to be and what if we think about
00:38:02.980 our kids that way how can we help our kids develop their strengths while they are learning to manage
00:38:08.500 their god-given personalities so if i were to say to you my child is so bossy my child is bossy
00:38:19.280 they are always arguing with me they think they're right all the time they want to be in charge of
00:38:25.380 their siblings they don't like you know they they want to go first they don't like when someone else
00:38:31.260 has the idea of the game they want it to be their game right then we would say oh is that leadership
00:38:38.440 actually maybe their paws right there's leadership there they're growing into their paws so wouldn't
00:38:47.220 it make sense if i were to say to you our kids are going to get it wrong before they get it right
00:38:53.220 right aren't we when we're learning something we're figuring something out we probably are going to get
00:38:59.860 it wrong before we get it right so a child that is learning developing leadership how would they get
00:39:07.680 it wrong at first yeah doesn't that make more sense well of course a child with leadership inside them
00:39:16.900 okay how does that go wrong well they're bossy they lead but it's not in a fun way it becomes harsh
00:39:24.020 they're impatient they're inflexible they always have to be first they want to lead but nobody wants
00:39:30.660 to follow right like that of course that could look that could look like a leader child growing into
00:39:39.820 their paws you know what if what if it's not on this piece of paper i think it's on the next page here
00:39:46.580 what if you've got someone super artistic oh great it's not here well we have creative what if you've
00:39:52.880 got someone super artistic and their god-given personality is going to be something along the
00:40:00.420 lines of storytelling creative um yeah imaginating like come imaginating imagining thank you like that
00:40:13.380 wasn't what if what if that was their gifting well if they're gonna get it wrong before they get it right
00:40:19.160 wouldn't it make sense then that okay they might have a hard time with storytelling so maybe lying
00:40:26.120 could be an issue or you know push stretching the truth a little bit to make it more enticing to make
00:40:36.220 it more interesting that could be something they struggle with if we've got someone that's super
00:40:41.140 creative yeah lying could be an issue um it could also be like that they have a harder time
00:40:48.220 deciphering deciphering between like daydreaming and what really happened so sometimes with younger
00:40:53.840 kids it's not really a lie it's just what i wish could happen or what i imagine could happen
00:40:58.900 what if you've got someone super creative but it's a little bit more artistic they love crafts they love
00:41:04.520 to draw they love art maybe their god-given destiny is going to be something down the road where
00:41:11.860 they're an artist they're crafting something how does that look for you raising them they're gonna
00:41:17.800 get it wrong before they get it right that's gonna look like a bunch of different craft projects half
00:41:24.500 done piles all over your house it's gonna be messy it's gonna look like you coming into the room and
00:41:30.880 your child was like i had this great idea i took apart the coffee table and i'm gonna paint this thing
00:41:36.300 on it it's right that's what you're gonna be dealing with of course of course it would what if you have
00:41:43.480 a child whose core is going to be justice motivated like this is this group this group of of adults of
00:41:53.460 parents of grandparents of coaches of mentors of pastors freedom is very important to you
00:41:58.860 so if you had a child that was justice motivated what would that look like for them to grow into
00:42:07.060 their paws what would it look like for them to get it wrong before they got it right it would look like
00:42:13.420 no fair no fair if you've got a no fair kid and everything's about the fairness well actually it's
00:42:22.340 about justice it's about what they think is right and what they think is wrong and it's no fair as
00:42:29.940 they're developing this character as they're growing into their paws yeah they could be a little lawyer
00:42:36.840 looking for loopholes trying to get out of stuff badgering they could be argumentative maybe they
00:42:42.740 refuse to apologize they could be obsessed with the fairness of it yeah so i want you to think about
00:42:51.720 the most difficult frustrating aspects of your children or the kids in your life and let's think
00:42:59.360 about it this way instead of what i don't enjoy about them and i know you love them but instead of
00:43:06.680 that what if it's okay what what is inside them that we're going to develop and instead of being upset
00:43:14.360 with how they're created let's let's really think about what can we do to bring out the gold okay if i've
00:43:21.540 got a justice motivated kid let's talk about that let's talk about it and let's work on developing
00:43:27.140 that idea of the right way and the wrong way to go about it and how can i help them in that if you've
00:43:32.460 got a leader as a kid how can i help them to see okay yeah you want to lead but you also want people
00:43:38.560 to follow so we got we got to work on some of these skills you know if you've got even at the bottom
00:43:44.740 here if you've got a child that deep down there's kindness in them even that even though you're
00:43:50.280 thinking that could be a good thing and it is but where we can get it wrong is we can move too far
00:43:57.260 into people pleasing we can move too far into we're too lenient we're going to compromise we can't speak
00:44:04.100 up maybe maybe our child avoids conflict and they won't stand up they won't say no they won't
00:44:11.080 right we can get it wrong that way too so no matter what no matter what their god-given character
00:44:17.640 qualities are there's always those weaknesses that we get to help them we get to encourage them to
00:44:23.760 develop in it so let's not make it mean we're doing something wrong as parents let's not make it mean
00:44:29.880 that we have failed somehow no our kids are our kids and i'm going to stop sharing and instead of
00:44:38.400 overreacting taking it personal making it mean that we've failed somehow and we have to fix them
00:44:44.560 let's instead just think of it as like oh okay you know what i think we're gonna work on developing
00:44:51.100 kindness i think we're gonna work on you know justice and what that looks like i think we're
00:44:56.260 gonna i see that there's creativity there's artistic you know abilities and talents and giftings in you
00:45:02.300 but we need to work on following through and diligence and responsibility let's think of it
00:45:08.220 that way so i wanted to leave you with that i wanted to leave you with hopefully hopefully you
00:45:13.340 feel encouraged to make character the most important thing yes academics do matter of course but that's a
00:45:20.920 different webinar this webinar is about reaching the hearts of your kids you can do it you can do it and
00:45:29.900 still have obedience you can do it and still have consequences but these consequences are designed
00:45:36.240 to help you still connect reach the hearts of your kids not overreact and really work with them as they
00:45:42.420 are developing character so that's it that's what i have for you today i would love your questions if
00:45:49.000 you send me an email to the website that i've put in the chat thank you doris for adding that in i will
00:45:55.020 send you that quality list if that will be helpful and i can send you the job jar list also
00:46:01.180 that's fantastic and if you're listening to this after we're live right now just make sure you put in
00:46:08.540 the in the email what you were listening to and and what you would like to do jen actually has so many
00:46:16.260 resources on her web page there's courses there's uh newsletters and coaching and podcasts i just
00:46:23.080 encourage you to check it out there's more freebies on her website as well i was just checking them out
00:46:27.640 last night printing some off no you know even though um my kids are a little bit older i wish that i had
00:46:35.200 some of these tools when i was when they were young but uh but i love all the ideas and uh good ideas to
00:46:42.640 for even grandkids like we were uh just seeing in the chat several of us are our grandparents already
00:46:49.560 that's exciting um jen there's so many gems in there oh the gem jar great i love the developing
00:47:00.640 the strengths while learning to manage their god-given you know like just just how we can
00:47:05.860 actually take a look at at like okay who did god make my child to be and how can i help them to
00:47:12.380 develop that and and what's the redeemed version of that look like i love that that's so good
00:47:19.200 and for all of us that have um you know like each of our kids is so unique and different and
00:47:24.540 and being able to to kind of customize our our parenting i think is so important that's wonderful
00:47:30.760 um yeah does anybody if anybody has any questions uh feel free to put them in the chat um it's just so
00:47:39.660 good there's so many things here that are wonderful here um and i love that what you also said about
00:47:45.960 your kids are gonna get it wrong before they get it right you know like just you know in job in job
00:47:51.220 training it's just you know you know that you're gonna you know they need hands-on um experience and
00:47:58.600 and it's okay and i love just the no shame here you know and just taking the emotion out of it
00:48:04.580 just uh and realizing that just because your kids do something that you know is is uh is not
00:48:11.100 appropriate or whatever it doesn't mean that they're that they're you know bad kids or they
00:48:16.280 really want to to develop that um jenna i did have a question for you um i think i know some of the
00:48:22.480 answers to this but i'd love to ask you anyways um what are some resources like i know that you have
00:48:28.540 so many resources what are some other things that people can can you know if they're really interested
00:48:33.560 in going more into this is there anything that you recommend well i will tell you some of my
00:48:39.540 foundational training so please go to my website because i've got free resources there too and a
00:48:46.440 podcast the podcast is great because i can do a deeper dive than let's say a little tiktok video you
00:48:52.440 know i can actually spend some time going into a deeper topic so i do really recommend that um i will
00:49:00.040 say i will say some okay so my original training my parent coaching was from an organization called
00:49:07.820 biblicalparenting.org i love their resources um i teach some similar things originally i when i started
00:49:17.380 finding the tools uh most of them came from that organization and eventually they hired me
00:49:23.680 and i was teaching parenting webinars from them the problem is the problem is over time i started
00:49:30.980 picking up my own things and kind of morphing and so as some of them so eventually i had to make i made
00:49:36.520 the decision that okay you know i use some and i found some other things that i think are a little
00:49:41.020 bit more effective but i would say as a whole their website is amazing they have a search bar you can
00:49:47.700 type in whatever it is you're looking for and they've got some some free resources and then they have
00:49:52.860 some options for some paid things that i think are really valuable i think it's worth it i would
00:49:57.600 recommend that um i really love gordon neufeld his book hold on to your kids i've taken parent training
00:50:04.040 from him uh a lot of my anxiety teaching oh you've got it right there i love it love it yep i love gabor
00:50:13.940 mate i love gordon neufeld um a lot yeah a lot of the anxiety and the anger teaching that i do i i specialize
00:50:22.600 i'll tell you my jam my specialties are strong-willed kids because i have one and i am one again and
00:50:31.060 and anxiety and anger like those would be like my specialties so i would recommend that um
00:50:38.500 those would be my two top for sure for sure i i do love that now i if i could offer a caution
00:50:47.240 a caution something that i know is really popular right now that i would i would say just be careful
00:50:53.440 is the whole gentle parenting trend right now there is a trend towards something called gentle
00:50:59.380 parenting and it's not all bad there are some really great things but i think what it's done
00:51:04.040 without without truly diving deep into what gentle parenting really is it ends up looking like
00:51:10.860 permissive parenting and then we lose it and we yell and then it becomes reactive parenting
00:51:16.260 so i would just my caution would be to avoid just getting gentle parenting tips off of social media
00:51:23.160 because you're only getting a minute or two at a time and all it will do is make you feel bad for
00:51:28.280 getting angry and not actually give you the tools to what to do we still need to have consequences
00:51:35.260 so that would be my like little red flag be careful of that yeah that's really good thank you and what
00:51:42.080 are some resources in relation to this if people want to dive deeper into this topic what do you have
00:51:47.460 that people can can maybe um yeah springboard yeah well on my podcast there is an episode i don't have
00:51:55.120 the numbers memorized but there's a what an episode called the alpha kid if you've got a strong-willed
00:52:00.460 kid i would recommend looking up the alpha kid because some kids are strong-willed some kids are
00:52:08.120 next level strong-willed and i call them alphas and for those kids it's not about choices for those kids
00:52:14.480 it's it's it's about power and if you've got one of those kids i would strongly recommend you find that
00:52:21.160 podcast episode on my website or wherever you get your podcast type in families matter most and you'll be
00:52:27.720 able to search through all of them there's over a hundred um there's another one called your seven
00:52:32.620 year old and i talk about as i mentioned why i get more phone calls from parents of seven year olds
00:52:39.200 than any other age now beyond that my podcast has more strategies and tools for specific things like
00:52:46.120 lying for example dealing with anger having trying to stay calm so i would say yeah absolutely use the
00:52:54.100 podcast as a free resource and please share it share it now my website and podcast aren't
00:53:00.360 specifically christian i try to keep it open for everyone and so in these settings i can i'll be more
00:53:06.240 open about my faith in the podcast i might say something like well for me my faith is important to me
00:53:12.840 and then for you you decide so i would encourage you if you don't mind to to please refer and and
00:53:19.580 share the podcast with people in your life believers non-believers anyone that you think uh it could be
00:53:26.280 a useful resource to i will say um referral is the number one word of mouth is the number one way
00:53:34.340 that my business has grown so i'm super grateful anytime someone has shared this business um to another
00:53:42.360 family a school a church an organization i really appreciate that that's great and if people
00:53:49.520 are interested in having you come in to speak how would they get a hold of you send me yeah why
00:53:54.840 don't you reach out through the email there um families matter most at gmail.com or of course they
00:54:01.940 can find you laurie and you can get me connected but i would love to if you have an organization if
00:54:08.140 you have a family or if you yourself are interested in private coaching yeah let's connect let's have a
00:54:13.020 free little zoom call and talk about what that might look like yeah that's awesome and just as a
00:54:19.400 testimonial i have done her private coaching as well i don't know if you still um have that but it was
00:54:26.000 wonderful it really helped us in a time of need so so i highly recommend jen dean and families matters
00:54:32.740 most it's been so good to have you doris did you have any uh comments that you wanted to add in here
00:54:39.320 before we close out today yeah i just wanted to um add to that even though this was directed to
00:54:46.960 homeschoolers this these parenting tips um apply to all parents and like you said whether they're
00:54:53.960 christian or even non-christian they apply so well to all parents it brought me back to the years when i
00:54:59.400 was a young mom and having a seven-year-old and uh and uh some of those tips it's such a great
00:55:08.040 refresher for me now as a grandparent yeah and uh how to uh just be that grandma in their life
00:55:15.340 and following up with the same principles because it helps the parents as well if i'm being as diligent
00:55:21.900 as a as a grandma because i do spend a lot of time with them and uh it's just yeah your work is
00:55:29.380 very very appreciated and uh we will close now and uh thank you for everybody for signing in and uh
00:55:37.940 jen dean especially your words today and may god be with you as you continue to influence so many
00:55:43.920 people thank you so much doris yeah
00:55:51.900 you