Action4Canada - The Hidden Epidemic of Male Sexual Abuse - Video Series

00:00:00.000 You

00:00:30.000 Hi, I'm Dr. Kelly Palfe. I'm a registered psychologist. I'm also a retired police lady, and I specialize in working with adult male survivors of sexual abuse.

00:00:41.840 I actually researched the subject and wrote a book about it.

00:00:45.160 And today I'm here to talk about male sexual abuse and the prevalence because I believe it's a very hidden epidemic.

00:00:51.120 So by means of getting started or by ways of getting started, I'd like everyone to think about a boy or man in your life that you think might possibly be a male survivor of sexual abuse.

00:01:02.660 Could be your cousin, maybe your nephew, maybe your best friend's brother or something like that.

00:01:08.580 That man that, you know, sort of took a different path in life, maybe went off the rails a little bit, maybe kind of turned to alcohol or drugs and maybe even a life of crime.

00:01:17.400 Which doesn't make any sense to you because you saw the way he was brought up. He was brought up in a good home.

00:01:23.980 Now he's probably never going to have said to you that he was a survivor of sexual abuse, but research does show that if he was abused, he's probably never told anybody that he was.

00:01:34.080 Although the research is now dated, anonymous research conducted shows that males are sexually assaulted at a rate of approximately one out of every six males.

00:01:42.780 We know that females are assaulted at a rate of about one of every three.

00:01:47.280 As a former police lady and as a researcher, I know that only about 8% of crimes account for male sexual abuse.

00:01:55.420 So we know that the prevalence of sexual abuse is about half as much as the woman, but the degree of reporting is only about 8%.

00:02:02.400 So we've got to ask ourselves, why is this if we know it's existing?

00:02:06.060 By now, I suspect you might be wondering why me as a woman am advocating for male survivors of sexual abuse, since I'm clearly not one.

00:02:15.060 Like I mentioned earlier, I became aware of this situation when I was a police lady.

00:02:19.320 I first became familiar with males as victims of sexual abuse when I was working in the Integrated Child Sexual Exploitation Unit in the RCMP.

00:02:28.600 So in the early 2000s, we started up this program in response to a problem that already existed.

00:02:34.000 Briefly, in the U.S., a postal service worker noticed that there was an unusually large number of suspicious packages all coming from the same location that were going out.

00:02:46.100 So they got curious about all these packages, and in collaboration with the Department of Homeland Security, they conducted a joint investigation.

00:02:54.460 They opened a few of these packages, and what they discovered was that they all contained child pornographic images.

00:03:00.560 These images were all purchased via credit card.

00:03:03.160 So they furthered their investigation and obtained all of the credit card numbers and names of all the offenders who had purchased these illicit images.

00:03:12.580 Then they told us about that.

00:03:15.060 So if memory serves me correctly, we had about 350 Canadians that were on that list, about 90 of which lived in British Columbia, which is where I was living at the time.

00:03:24.000 So we researched how to investigate these crimes.

00:03:27.640 Then we established a unit, and we started to teach other agencies within BC how to do the same thing, how to investigate these offenses, the ones that were occurring in their jurisdiction.

00:03:37.900 So during that time, the RCMP was training me to be a subject matter expert.

00:03:42.220 And on one of my many training courses, Sheldon Kennedy came and gave us a private lecture.

00:03:48.840 Now, for anybody who's not familiar with Sheldon Kennedy, he's a former pro hockey player, and he was one of the first males to ever come forward and speak publicly about male sexual abuse.

00:03:57.960 So he came and gave us seasoned sex crimes investigators a private lecture about his abuse.

00:04:03.680 He talked about how his abuse, how it got started, where it took place and how, and he also talked about why he didn't talk about his abuse sooner.

00:04:12.720 He said, you know, he had been raised in poverty, and his new career was literally lifting his family out of poverty.

00:04:20.860 He also knew that his parents were super proud of him.

00:04:24.000 His parents were proud of him.

00:04:25.200 The community was proud of him.

00:04:26.800 He just didn't want to disappoint people.

00:04:28.940 Plus, he believed in himself.

00:04:30.380 He knew he had the skill set to go pro, and he knew his coach, Graham James, had the means to get him to where he wanted to go.

00:04:38.620 So he knew also that if he reported his abuse, that his chances of making the NHL were minimized.

00:04:44.860 He also told us about how he believed, this was the one that really broke my heart.

00:04:50.140 He said he thought that other parents of his teammates knew, or at least should have known, that he was being sexually abused, but did nothing.

00:04:59.020 That broke my heart.

00:05:02.180 I could not believe that.

00:05:03.920 I could not believe that a parent would ignore childhood sexual abuse and put their own personal child's needs above another child.

00:05:11.940 I mean, it just blew my mind, and my heart really went out to Sheldon Kennedy, and I started to think about all the other men that might be in his situation.

00:05:19.620 Prior to being a police officer, I was a corrections officer, and at that time, I remember working in prisons and wondering, why are there so many men in prison, I mean, compared to women? 1.00

00:05:31.160 Why so many men? 0.79

00:05:32.780 And when Sheldon Kennedy started talking about how he'd turned to alcohol and drugs, I started to see that maybe there were other men that might be in this situation that would turn to alcohol and drugs, and I knew that was a slippery slope.

00:05:45.540 I wanted to do more to help him, but here I was working in the child sexual exploitation unit, and we were being bombed with files that were coming in.

00:05:54.000 I mean, we were overloaded.

00:05:55.360 Another thing that Sheldon Kennedy talked about was this, he said he was living a double life.

00:06:00.140 That's the piece that I really related to, because in some ways, I was living a double life, too.

00:06:05.440 I mean, here I was on the top of my game, career-wise, working in major crimes, but I was being bullied, and I mean, there were times when I would run out of the room and go to the exhibit locker and bawl my eyes out, and I was crying almost every day by the time I got home after work, and I was just shutting down physically.

00:06:23.140 I mean, I was just being tormented.

00:06:25.380 I could not handle the abuse, but yet I felt powerless to stop it.

00:06:29.020 And I mean, I was a police lady with a badge and a gun, and he was a kid.

00:06:32.520 He was 15 years old.

00:06:34.040 I had my career established.

00:06:35.540 He didn't have that yet, so my heart just really went out to him.

00:06:39.020 And, you know, there I was in school, and one day one of my professors mentioned that he worked at this place called the BC Society for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse.

00:06:46.020 And it was like this little light went on inside of me, and I just remembered Sheldon Kennedy's lecture.

00:06:51.780 I remembered how passionate I'd felt about wanting to do more, and I started to think, you know, with my background in policing and what I'd seen, maybe I could make a difference for boys and men.

00:07:00.620 I just decided to pursue it.

00:07:02.160 If you're still not convinced that male sexual abuse is as prevalent as I am trying to say that it is, you don't have to take just my word for it.

00:07:09.860 The RCMP website shows that there's over 700 sex offender registry sites in Canada alone.

00:07:17.460 That's 43,000 sex offenders that are living outside of custody in Canada at any given time.

00:07:24.440 That's approximately one offender for every 850 people in Canada.

00:07:28.580 We know from what offenders tell us that offenders have, on average, 150 victims each across their lifetime.

00:07:37.980 That's a lot of male victims living in Canada.

00:07:40.360 Another statistic that should be of concern to us is that in Canada, males are known to complete suicide at a rate of 3.5 times more frequently than females.

00:07:51.800 Could this be because there's a hidden epidemic?

00:07:53.520 Research out of Iceland titled Deep and Unbearable Consequences of Childhood Sexual Abuse supports this.

00:08:03.220 As the title implies, the researchers looked at the consequences of childhood sexual abuse.

00:08:08.900 They took a sample of 14 Icelandic men who had all been sexually abused and who had all lived with a profound sense of depression their entire lives.

00:08:16.980 Each of these men said nothing until they got to this place in their life where they were either going to report their abuse or kill themselves.

00:08:25.300 I personally believe that at least part of the reason why these statistics are so much higher than females, 0.89

00:08:31.000 males don't have the same resources as females do to help them navigate trauma and sexual abuse. 0.80

00:08:36.200 Part of the reason for this, of course, is because we know that males don't talk about sexual abuse.

00:08:40.800 Research shows that boys and men will not talk about things that they don't hear other boys and men talking about.

00:08:46.980 So the good news is you and I get to be part of the solution.

00:08:50.300 By being here, by having these conversations, we are creating awareness and we are making it safe for boys and men to come forward.

00:09:16.980 So today, what I'm going to talk about is why males are not reporting abuse.

00:09:23.280 In the time that we have together, I'm going to explain where and how abuse is occurring and why we are missing it in society.

00:09:31.420 Research shows that despite its prevalence, very few boys are ever coming forward and disclosing abuse.

00:09:37.240 We all know male survivors. We just don't know who they are.

00:09:40.940 So, get ready. Today, we're going to talk about some things that we don't normally talk about.

00:09:45.840 It's necessary to discuss these topics in order for us to understand some of the more common reasons why boys and men are not disclosing.

00:09:54.160 That being the confusion and shame that they often feel about the previous relationships that they had with their offenders.

00:10:00.940 These are not light or easy topics, but they are necessary.

00:10:04.000 We need to be more aware so that we can prevent childhood sexual abuse or be better supports to male victims who are not coming forward but might be coping with their abuse in different ways.

00:10:15.820 Before I get into the slightly heavier stuff, I want to explain a few psychological processes that are at play in all of us that kind of keep us from seeing this in society, that kind of keep the problem hidden.

00:10:27.560 Being more aware of these processes will help you to understand how and why we are missing this in society.

00:10:34.900 So, by way of getting started, I want to ask all parents watching to think about a time when they might have let their child go alone on an overnight school trip or to a family member's house for a sleepover or maybe even just to one of their friends' house for a sleepover.

00:10:51.560 I can imagine that, you know, because I've said this and because you know what we're here to discuss, you might be getting this little feeling of uneasiness sort of developing inside of you.

00:11:02.340 In this moment, I want you to just pause and take note of what that feeling is inside of you.

00:11:09.440 Maybe your jaw clenched or your stomach dropped or your chest tightened or you got the butterflies or your gut shaky or something like that.

00:11:17.680 Basically, what I'm saying is maybe you had a bit of a gut response.

00:11:20.760 Just take note of what's going on inside of you right now.

00:11:24.040 Physiologically, God made you so brilliantly that sometimes we're able to pick up on things like microaggressions or very quick facial expressions that we might just catch a quick glimpse of, but they don't really register consciously.

00:11:37.260 We know from research that we actually have neuroreceptors in our gut.

00:11:41.860 So, these neuroreceptors actually can receive and process a lot more information than the brain in our head can process.

00:11:48.260 An example of this might be, you know, when you're out hiking or something and all of a sudden you sense danger and you kind of look around to find out where the danger is.

00:11:56.040 Knowing this guttural response, I want you to think about a time in your life when you might have ignored that guttural response or maybe a time when you ignored the Holy Spirit telling you something.

00:12:05.540 We've all done it, but it's not a nice feeling, right?

00:12:09.240 You know, that time when maybe you should have not taken that job or you should have set a stronger boundary for yourself or you should have maybe not gone on that date or not agreed to meet somebody.

00:12:19.760 We've all done it.

00:12:20.700 It's not a good feeling, though.

00:12:21.860 Unfortunately, it can be dangerous, too, right?

00:12:24.920 In those occasions where maybe we shouldn't be ignoring our gut instinct.

00:12:28.800 As a police lady, I relied a lot on my gut instincts and were trained to ignore those ignoring instincts.

00:12:34.840 Unfortunately, the dangerous thing is that unless we're aware of the importance and how our gut instincts work, we can actually ignore them in times when we really shouldn't.

00:12:44.060 Every day, highly intelligent people choose to ignore gut instincts.

00:12:50.200 Sometimes it's conscious.

00:12:51.380 Sometimes it's not conscious.

00:12:53.120 For example, we might get ever so slight of a glimpse of a child that you think might be in danger or doesn't look very happy at all.

00:13:00.220 And we get this quick thought go through our mind, oh, that child's probably being abused.

00:13:04.420 And then we might choose to ignore that instinct or we'll do something like hope somebody else will deal with the situation.

00:13:11.340 There's a term for this ignoring process.

00:13:13.160 It's called willful blindness, and we all do it.

00:13:16.420 Aiding and abetting this process, we actually have neuroreceptors in our brain that are hardwired to help us reject, deny, trivialize, minimize information that might cause us to be in conflict with other people.

00:13:29.460 We are actually hardwired to avoid conflict.

00:13:33.260 Willful blindness also happens when we're challenged too aggressively.

00:13:37.020 There's an author named Dr. Margaret Heffernan who wrote a book called Willful Blindness.

00:13:41.360 And in the book, she gives the example of a woman who sees her husband coming out of her daughter's bedroom and she believes he has an erection.

00:13:49.900 She's distraught by this thought, but she puts her daughter first and decides to confront her husband. 0.95

00:13:54.900 Well, when she confronts him, he challenges her so aggressively saying that that is disgusting.

00:13:59.380 I can't believe you thought that about me.

00:14:01.980 And if you think that little about me, maybe we should just get a divorce right now.

00:14:06.060 And, you know, she starts to renege her decision because, you know, she did challenge her husband and he absolutely denied the accusation.

00:14:12.840 And he made her feel ashamed for having even thought that.

00:14:15.860 So she tells herself that she must not have seen what she saw and decides that, you know, I guess I was wrong.

00:14:24.540 Until years later when her child's doctor tells her that there's actually evidence of sexual abuse.

00:14:30.400 Then she remembers what she saw.

00:14:32.460 But since no one ever warned her that this was a thing, that a father or husband or stepfather could sexually abuse their own child,

00:14:39.600 she had no idea she was ignoring a huge red flag.

00:14:43.360 This happens to young girls.

00:14:45.860 It also happens to young boys.

00:14:47.800 But unfortunately, since no one talks about it, most people don't know that male sexual abuse is a thing, that it exists.

00:14:54.420 It isn't talked about in professional circles and it certainly isn't talked about by the victims themselves.

00:15:00.640 This has to change because as we're becoming more and more aware from reports, from media reports and from investigations,

00:15:09.600 male sexual abuse is taking place.

00:15:11.760 The good news is that by the end of our time together, you will have a better understanding of where this is occurring,

00:15:19.560 why we're missing it, and how we can make a difference.

00:15:22.700 We already are, simply by being here.

00:15:25.020 As I discuss these things, you will become more aware of why so many boys and men are staying silent.

00:15:31.040 Part of the reason is it's a societal issue.

00:15:33.320 From their youth, traditionally, at least in Western culture, boys and men are raised to believe that real men are not victims.

00:15:42.000 Real men can always protect themselves. 0.97

00:15:44.540 And of course, real men never turn down sex.

00:15:47.320 I mean, at least not in the secular world.

00:15:49.340 These and many, many other similar type messages often put a lot of pressure on men and confuse men.

00:15:56.000 Men might think, well, even if they do recognize that they're victimized, they might say, well, if real men aren't victims and I'm a victim, what does that mean about me?

00:16:05.200 Am I not a real man?

00:16:07.000 So far, we've discussed two of the reasons why people in society are naive to this subject.

00:16:12.660 One being that boys and men are not reporting their abuse.

00:16:15.880 And two being that we engage in this process of willful blindness and actually ignore our gut instincts.

00:16:21.700 By the way, we all think that someone else will deal with these situations.

00:16:25.780 If we do see a situation where we think, oh, that child's being abused, we still engage in this process of willful blindness where we say,

00:16:32.720 someone else probably has better access or actual knowledge or more information, or surely someone who's closer to them will deal with this.

00:16:40.620 We call this the bystander effect.

00:16:45.880 Next, we're going to talk about the grooming process that most offenders engage in, a process which keeps the victims confused.

00:17:10.580 Research shows that around 94% of all childhood sexual abuse is perpetrated by someone the victim knows, trusts, maybe even loves.

00:17:21.380 I'm sure a lot of people might be wondering now, well, where is this happening? Come on.

00:17:25.580 Grooming is a term that is used to describe the very well-orchestrated, very deceptive, very manipulative process that most offenders engage in prior to engaging in acts of abuse.

00:17:37.980 These actions, these gestures, they are not harmful nor illegal in and of themselves, and they are all designed with the intent to manipulate the victim, the victim's family, society, everybody.

00:17:51.900 The grooming process is also why so many male victims are confused about whether or not they were abused.

00:17:58.200 Without awareness, grooming goes undetected.

00:18:00.380 So please, I urge you, pay attention.

00:18:04.060 Do not ignore this for three reasons.

00:18:07.020 First, we have to understand why boys and men are so confused.

00:18:10.820 Second, I want you to be able to recognize the warning signs of a child being groomed or an offender trying to maybe have access to children.

00:18:19.100 And third, that if you have a boy or man in your life, that you can be more supportive of them versus judgmental.

00:18:25.380 Now, you may be sitting there saying, I would never be judgmental, but sometimes it happens by accident.

00:18:31.380 I once worked with a male client who had been orally violated in his youth many times, and understandably, he developed an aversion to his own toothbrush.

00:18:41.180 So he stopped brushing his teeth for years, and also, unfortunately, since he had his adult teeth, it did a considerable amount of damage, damage, which he sought to rectify in his adulthood.

00:18:52.940 He saved up $30,000, went to the dentist, fully prepared to get his mouth fixed.

00:18:58.400 I was supporting him in this process.

00:19:00.040 We did EMDR to get him ready to sit in that dentist chair.

00:19:03.160 Once he got there, the hygienist shamed him so badly for not having taken care of his teeth that he never went back.

00:19:09.260 In trauma work, we would call this a secondary victimization.

00:19:13.680 If I remember correctly, he still had not told his parents.

00:19:17.200 And his reason for not telling is yet another common reason that boys and men do not report abuse.

00:19:22.500 His reason was that he did not want to burden his parents with information he thought would be too hard for them to handle.

00:19:29.340 This is another common reason why boys and men are not reporting sexual abuse.

00:19:33.620 They are doing what men are trained to do, which is become protectors.

00:19:37.160 Boys will often remain silent to protect their family's reputation, their parents' reputation,

00:19:43.180 or simply just to protect their parents from information they think will be too hard for them to handle.

00:19:48.440 But the sad reality is then they're left to navigate the after effects of their abuse alone.

00:19:53.060 As I make you more aware of the actual process, you will become more curious in your own world.

00:19:58.560 You will become more observant and hopefully maybe even prevent childhood sexual abuse someday.

00:20:03.660 When I was working in the Child Sexual Exploitation Unit, part of our mandate was to train other agencies.

00:20:10.240 And we would also provide support for them in larger investigations.

00:20:14.320 And on occasion, we were required to review large amounts of material.

00:20:18.240 So there was a point in time where I was required to sit in an exhibit room and review months worth of material.

00:20:23.480 And during that time, I observed firsthand, on tape, the grooming process taking place.

00:20:29.240 I also worked very closely with the RCMP psychologist who was a subject matter expert in this area.

00:20:34.840 And I also learned from the participants in my own research.

00:20:38.320 We knew offenders like to keep records of their crime.

00:20:41.560 They keep records because they reuse this material, much like any other adult would use pornography.

00:20:46.800 However, the difference would be that they have to hide this material because it is illegal to possess.

00:20:52.640 So they hide this material within other legal material, within other legal pornography.

00:20:58.740 And they do this because, you know, they know that it's illegal to possess.

00:21:03.240 Plus, it also wreaks havoc on the cover relationships that they're engaged in to hide the fact that they're a pedophile.

00:21:09.780 So if they were to get caught, they could be arrested or wind up divorced.

00:21:13.520 First, what we know is that offenders engage in three different layers of grooming.

00:21:18.340 First, they have to groom themselves to look the part and to fit the role.

00:21:23.020 Second, they have to groom the environment that their victims are in.

00:21:26.660 And third, they have to groom the victim themselves. 0.99

00:21:29.040 Not necessarily in that order.

00:21:31.180 The offender will groom himself first, though.

00:21:33.920 They will educate themselves and set themselves up in a target-rich environment.

00:21:38.880 So these offenders will move mountains.

00:21:41.460 They will go to school.

00:21:43.520 They will volunteer.

00:21:44.720 They will practice.

00:21:45.840 They will do anything that they can do to put on this facade of becoming the least likely person you would ever suspect would harm a child.

00:21:54.800 It's also necessary for them to groom themselves right before they commit their crimes.

00:21:59.640 They will have to give themselves a pep talk, so to speak.

00:22:02.180 So they might say things to themselves like, that child needs to learn about sex anyways. 0.76

00:22:07.580 They might as well learn it from me.

00:22:09.320 Or, I'm not harming them.

00:22:11.240 I'm just loving them.

00:22:12.520 Or, better for them to learn it from me because I'm going to be nice or gentle versus one of those violent types offenders, which I'm not.

00:22:19.720 They also groom the environments that they're in.

00:22:21.980 And so they will have lots of children that they do not offend against, allies for themselves, who will swear vehemently that they never offended against them.

00:22:31.400 And then they will groom the parents of the potential victim as well, if necessary.

00:22:35.600 So they'll befriend the parent.

00:22:37.700 And, again, they will work really hard to fill any void or any need that either the child or the parent has.

00:22:44.400 So they just look like a nice, caring guy.

00:22:47.220 Finally, they have to groom the potential victims themselves.

00:22:50.040 Okay.

00:22:51.980 So using one of the participants from my own doctoral research, I'm going to walk you through step-by-step this grooming process.

00:23:18.060 My participant's fictitious name is Erin.

00:23:20.520 Although I've changed his name, I have not changed any of the details of his offense, nor have I embellished them at all.

00:23:27.680 They are true to the best of my knowledge.

00:23:30.020 I won't take you into his backstory, but I can tell you that Erin came from a good Christian home.

00:23:36.760 I know that's terrifying.

00:23:38.680 Prior to his abuse, Erin was very close with his mother.

00:23:43.200 He had a girlfriend.

00:23:44.540 He did very well academically, and he did very well athletically.

00:23:48.880 So he was an all-around good kid.

00:23:51.960 Scary, right?

00:23:54.040 When he was 15, he went to basketball camp, the very same camp his older brother had been to the year before.

00:24:00.520 The camp coach was a very close friend of the family.

00:24:05.500 He was also Erin's high school basketball coach.

00:24:08.500 He had a reputation for encouraging boys to become men, to work really hard, to have good work ethic.

00:24:14.780 And at camp, although he encouraged everybody to have a harder work ethic, he did single Erin out as the hardest working kid in camp.

00:24:23.320 So good so far, right?

00:24:24.700 Who doesn't want their kid to be singled out as the hardest working kid in camp?

00:24:28.660 Both Erin and his parents were being groomed.

00:24:31.500 So the process that I'm going to describe is the process that a preferential sex offender will typically use.

00:24:37.500 There are two types of offenders.

00:24:39.040 One type is called a situational sex offender, and as the name implies, they will offend against either gender, any age, any time an opportunity arises.

00:24:51.120 The second type is a preferential child molester.

00:24:54.040 Now these offenders have a specific gender and age preference, so they have to create their own environments.

00:25:01.800 Offenders are thought to have a radar for vulnerable children.

00:25:04.560 Vulnerable children could include those having problems with their peers, or having problems at home, or having problems in school, those isolating themselves, the odd kid, the kid that doesn't fit in.

00:25:17.260 So you might be thinking at this time, okay, thank goodness, my child is fitting in.

00:25:23.420 He's not going to be victimized.

00:25:25.220 Don't relax just yet.

00:25:27.240 Offenders will work really hard to figure out what a child's vulnerability is, and every child has them.

00:25:33.440 In Aaron's particular case, Aaron had noticed that he was a late bloomer compared to his peers, so he was a little self-conscious about this.

00:25:43.380 Stage two, he goes in search of a target.

00:25:47.260 This time he picked Aaron.

00:25:48.660 We don't know exactly why.

00:25:50.180 He might have noticed Aaron's vulnerability, or maybe Aaron just really liked him.

00:25:54.280 Either way, he would have done something to bond with Aaron.

00:25:57.000 He might have told Aaron, hey, no worries, I was a late bloomer too.

00:26:00.880 This would help Aaron have a special affection for him.

00:26:05.400 It would help Aaron to feel like he got him, you know?

00:26:08.580 On to stage three.

00:26:10.200 Become attentive to their needs and the needs of their parent.

00:26:13.780 Before he ever committed any acts of offending against Aaron, Aaron's offender actually befriended his family.

00:26:20.060 Offenders will move mountains to fill any voids, either in the child or in the parent.

00:26:24.500 So, for example, a parent's needs might be they're too busy to drive their son to basketball, so the offender would volunteer to come pick the child up and take them.

00:26:33.780 So, at camp, Aaron's offender identified him as the hardest working kid in camp and actually offered him a job of staying after camp to help him break down camp.

00:26:43.400 He may have offered to pay Aaron, I don't know.

00:26:45.420 But I do know that he did ask Aaron's parents' permission, and they said yes.

00:26:50.600 They said yes because they trusted him.

00:26:53.100 They trusted him enough to leave their son alone with him for three days in a bush camp with no cell phone, 60 miles from home.

00:27:02.520 Now on to stage four.

00:27:04.640 Increase the child's acceptance of physical touch.

00:27:07.560 As his coach, Aaron's offender would have had opportunity to touch him.

00:27:12.780 It might have just been a pat on the shoulder or a slap on the back or a touch on the knee or something like that.

00:27:20.440 Either way, the offender's first physical contact with their potential victim is generally non-sexual.

00:27:27.060 They may tickle younger children.

00:27:28.920 And by the way, this physical contact is often done in front of the parent.

00:27:33.160 This sends the message to the child that it's okay for the offender to be touching them, that they have the parent's consent.

00:27:40.140 Next, the offender might encourage them while they're roughhousing to take their shirts off.

00:27:45.640 Then they will progressively work to a situation where the child has to change their clothes, use the washroom, spend the night, or all of the above.

00:27:54.800 Now we're on to stage five where the offender will create the opportunity to be alone with their victim and introduce more masculine principles. 0.96

00:28:01.960 So as soon as everyone else had left camp, Aaron's offender offered to teach him how to drive a vehicle and allowed him to drive the camp truck.

00:28:10.960 So he started treating Aaron as if he was older than he was.

00:28:15.060 He might have also started using coarse language around him, roughhousing, that kind of thing.

00:28:20.060 And by the end of that day, after they'd worked hard together and they were manning around together, Aaron's offender offered him his first beer.

00:28:27.040 But he also probably told Aaron, now you can't tell your parents this because if you tell your parents that I let you drive and let you have a beer, we're both going to be in trouble.

00:28:37.200 Aaron probably agreed not to tell.

00:28:39.360 Offenders are smart.

00:28:40.500 They will do this in order to establish their risk of being reported on and to establish their expectation of secrecy.

00:28:48.080 So offenders will test their victims.

00:28:51.860 They will say, you know, in their own mind, they'll rationalize.

00:28:55.160 It's way better for me to get reported on for having given my victim a beer or sworn around him or allowed him to drive a truck or smoke than to be reported on for sexually offending.

00:29:06.460 Once the intended victim complies, the expectation of secrecy is now established.

00:29:12.260 So you can see the process.

00:29:13.980 He began treating Aaron more like he was a man than the prepubescent boy that he was.

00:29:19.940 Now we're on to stage six, which is the beginning of the sexual process.

00:29:24.600 Offenders will oftentimes begin their sexual process by asking their intended victim what they already know about sex.

00:29:32.460 So in Aaron's instance, Aaron's offender gave him a beer and asked him what he knew about sex. 0.64

00:29:37.380 He also started teasing him about masturbation and said things like, I know you're already doing that.

00:29:43.300 His offender then gave him a stack of pornographic magazines, likely under the guise of, you probably weren't expecting to be here for an extra three days. 0.73

00:29:51.160 So I know you didn't bring your own stash.

00:29:52.880 So I'll lend you some of mine while you're here.

00:29:54.920 I know you're already doing this.

00:29:56.660 He actually instructed Aaron to take the magazines into his cabin bathroom and do with them what he knew he was already doing.

00:30:04.480 Aaron complied.

00:30:05.340 Aaron's offender knew he complied because he had peepholes drilled into the washroom.

00:30:10.580 The next day, they went about their business as normal.

00:30:13.920 They broke down the camp, manned around a bit more, and that night they drank more beer together and he gave him more pornographic magazines. 0.80

00:30:21.280 The following day, he actually came into Aaron's room while he was masturbating. 0.64

00:30:26.380 Aaron was shocked.

00:30:27.400 He tried to get up and leave.

00:30:29.040 He was terrified.

00:30:30.220 He felt confused.

00:30:31.420 But Aaron's offender just sat down on the bed beside him and told him that he had nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to worry about.

00:30:38.480 He said this is what guys do when they're alone.

00:30:41.120 Before Aaron could get up and leave, his offender simply plopped down a whole other stack of magazines and tried to pique Aaron's interest.

00:30:48.660 These magazines were more graphic than the last ones, and they actually contained images of men with men.

00:30:53.760 Aaron asked him, he said, are you trying to make me gay?

00:30:56.980 And his offender got really angry and aggressive and said, don't use that word around me.

00:31:01.280 He said, this is what guys do. 0.99

00:31:03.260 Kind of shamed Aaron and made him feel stupid for not knowing that. 0.99

00:31:06.240 And he began to fondle himself. 0.99

00:31:08.440 He began to fondle Aaron. 1.00

00:31:09.700 And he performed oral sex on Aaron. 1.00

00:31:12.260 Aaron was very confused and ashamed. 1.00

00:31:15.220 His body responded to the touch of his coach.

00:31:18.420 Aaron didn't know what was happening.

00:31:19.700 He didn't know what a lot of men don't know, what a lot of boys and men don't know, is that their bodies can deceive them.

00:31:26.620 He didn't know about what we call involuntary arousal or arousal non-concordance.

00:31:33.680 You see, in normal sexual encounters, arousal and orgasm are very welcomed outcomes.

00:31:38.940 But in sexual abuse, they're not.

00:31:40.340 They're actually very shame-inducing.

00:31:42.020 Research shows that it's very common for both males and females to have a genital manifestation of arousal.

00:31:48.520 However, there are some very distinct differences about how arousal affects a man versus a woman.

00:31:55.280 A woman can very easily hide that she was aroused. 0.99

00:31:58.260 She can deny it.

00:31:59.120 She can minimize it.

00:32:00.000 She can just ignore it herself.

00:32:02.080 But a man can't. 0.84

00:32:03.080 It's very visible when a man is aroused.

00:32:05.540 And of course, the offenders will use this against them.

00:32:08.360 They'll say things like, oh, look, you're enjoying yourself.

00:32:11.340 And tell them, oh, look, you must have enjoyed it.

00:32:13.820 Even outside of abuse situations, it is not uncommon for boys and men to get aroused during anxiety-provoking situations, even during trauma.

00:32:23.120 Comedic movies make fun of this, right?

00:32:24.820 There's lots of movies that show a young boy getting an erection during math class and trying to hide it.

00:32:29.720 But after a boy or man's been abused, they forget these instances.

00:32:33.300 And they remember only what they learned about how real men are not victims.

00:32:36.700 And they tell themselves that they must not have been victims, but maybe willing participants.

00:32:42.140 Even though they remember that the abuse began as abuse and that they were not consenting, they think to themselves, well, maybe I changed my mind halfway through.

00:32:51.140 Maybe I became consenting.

00:32:52.940 Maybe I did ask for this.

00:32:54.800 Maybe I was a willing participant.

00:32:57.060 And they're very confused.

00:32:59.040 And a confused victim stays silent.

00:33:01.500 They also believe that because this happened, there must be something seriously wrong with themselves.

00:33:05.620 This is not the case.

00:33:07.640 But the confusion that they're creating amongst their male victims is actually part of the grooming process.

00:33:12.860 Stage 8, leave them confused.

00:33:15.100 Although Aaron had not been attracted to his offender, his body responded physiologically to the abuse.

00:33:21.360 He also recalled in his mind how he'd previously felt about his coach.

00:33:25.120 He liked him.

00:33:25.820 So adding to this confusion, Aaron's coach drove him home, walked him to the door, shook his father's hands, patted him on the shoulder, and said goodbye and left as if nothing bad had happened.

00:33:40.060 Aaron went into the house, went straight into the washroom, and tried to just shower off his abuse.

00:33:45.540 But he couldn't.

00:33:46.620 One of the many reasons boys and men do not discuss sexual abuse is the profound levels of confusion that they experience.

00:33:54.820 Aaron came from a good home.

00:33:56.800 His parents hadn't done anything wrong.

00:33:58.900 The only thing they did wrong was to send Aaron to camp with a pedophile.

00:34:02.760 But how would they know?

00:34:03.720 He seemed trustworthy.

00:34:05.460 Their older son had been to that same camp the year prior and hadn't said anything bad had happened.

00:34:10.940 Yes, vulnerable children are more susceptible, but the reality is any child from any ethnic background, from any socioeconomic background, from any race, can be victimized.

00:34:40.940 So now that you're aware of the grooming process, you can better watch for a child being groomed, or an offender trying to have access to a child that's not their own.

00:34:55.280 Also, watch for extreme behavior changes.

00:34:58.440 These were Aaron's.

00:34:59.700 So when Aaron got home, he immediately began distancing himself from his mother, both physically and emotionally.

00:35:06.600 He did this because he was afraid that if he stayed close to her, he might accidentally disclose his abuse to her.

00:35:13.900 He didn't want to tell her because he was ashamed, and also because he was afraid of getting into trouble.

00:35:19.380 I mean, he'd driven a truck, he'd consumed alcohol, he'd engage in sexual acts with another man.

00:35:25.220 In his family, they didn't even talk about sex.

00:35:27.620 He also became very depressed, quit basketball, broke up with his girlfriend, and started isolating himself socially.

00:35:35.420 I'm curious how many people might miss this.

00:35:38.560 I mean, a teenage boy distancing himself from his mother doesn't seem so strange, right?

00:35:44.380 But cumulatively, those are very significant behavior changes.

00:35:48.780 He made a lot of sudden changes.

00:35:50.800 Aaron's mom noticed.

00:35:52.260 She challenged him.

00:35:53.300 She questioned him.

00:35:54.400 She asked him if something had happened.

00:35:56.040 She asked him if anything was wrong.

00:35:57.820 But Aaron stayed silent.

00:35:59.460 He was afraid of getting in trouble.

00:36:01.380 He knew he'd done things that he was not allowed to do.

00:36:03.960 He hoped he could just forget his abuse.

00:36:06.920 Aaron refused to talk to his mother.

00:36:09.480 But he did go to his high school counselor.

00:36:12.520 He didn't actually disclose to his counselor that he was sexually abused, but he very strongly hinted to him.

00:36:18.380 He said things like,

00:36:19.460 You can't send anybody else to that camp.

00:36:21.700 It's not safe.

00:36:23.200 And he knows that his counselor understood what he was talking about.

00:36:27.320 Unfortunately, the high school counselor's response was to absolve Aaron of his sins and tell him never to talk about it again.

00:36:35.720 Now, I wonder, are you starting to get that same yucky feeling that maybe you had before?

00:36:40.060 That same physiological response that you had in your gut when I asked you about your gut instincts?

00:36:45.300 Yes, your gut instincts are right.

00:36:48.220 Aaron's high school counselor was also a pedophile.

00:36:51.680 They often work together.

00:36:53.160 They will get themselves in situations where they can cover for each other or recruit potential victims for each other.

00:36:59.240 They're very organized.

00:37:00.440 The rest of Aaron's story is actually quite profound, and it's actually in my book.

00:37:04.380 If anyone wants to know all the details about how when he grew up, he decided to become a lawyer and actually then went on to become an undercover FBI agent and aided in his own offenders arrest, the full story is in my book.

00:37:18.360 Knowing what you know now about the profound level of confusion that boys and men often experience, how they're often very confused and ashamed,

00:37:26.000 I want to take you back to that research where I discussed how boys and men are often so ashamed, so depressed, that they are faced with this idea of I either talk about it or kill myself.

00:37:38.220 Doesn't it just make you wonder how many boys and men chose the alternative?

00:37:42.480 We need to make it safe for boys and men to come forward.

00:37:45.700 As was the case with Aaron, it is not uncommon for boys and men to stay silent.

00:37:50.500 To stay silent, to isolate, to deny, to minimize, or to even rewrite their own histories of abuse.

00:37:58.320 Sometimes they will try to convince themselves that it was something they enjoyed.

00:38:02.460 Other men will cope through staying excessively busy, becoming workaholics. 0.88

00:38:08.300 Some choose substance abuse.

00:38:10.340 They'll use alcohol or drugs to try and numb out their memories.

00:38:14.300 Others will engage in acts of hypersexuality or hypermasculinity.

00:38:19.000 They do those kinds of things because they're often really just trying to prove to themselves that they are in fact real men.

00:38:25.640 Some cope through isolation and unfortunately probably many cope through suicide.

00:38:31.620 Avoidance, by the way, can look like the husband or father who is refusing to bathe his own children or change his own children's diapers or help his own children get dressed.

00:38:40.400 Men often refuse to do this if they have histories of abuse because they're afraid that that myth, that if they were victimized, they are destined to become offenders, is true.

00:38:50.820 It's not true, by the way.

00:38:52.720 Sexual abuse does not destin anybody to become an offender.

00:38:56.020 Research shows that actually only around 9% of victims actually go on to become offenders.

00:39:01.020 At least in Western culture, there are some populations where this is not the case.

00:39:05.520 But this myth that men are destined to become offenders often keeps a lot of victims silent.

00:39:11.040 We know that this is a myth.

00:39:12.800 This myth is likely started by offenders themselves.

00:39:15.860 Offenders who are seeking leniency during prosecution time.

00:39:19.120 Dr. Salter quotes research where 70 or 80% of higher-sex offenders will say that they were victims of abuse themselves.

00:39:25.100 But when they're challenged with the idea of a polygraph, that number dropped from 70 or 80% down to 30%.

00:39:31.760 And that's just simply from being challenged with the idea of the polygraph, not even having one administered.

00:39:37.280 But this myth really works to keep men, boys and men, silent, right?

00:39:41.040 No one wants to be labeled an offender.

00:39:42.980 The good news is that you and I get to be the solution for the future generation.

00:39:46.620 And as a society, to be honest, we need to do better.

00:39:49.540 We need to do better as a society and we need to do better as a church.

00:39:53.520 The church in the past has done a horrible job of supporting victims.

00:39:58.280 And this is in part because churches have often been fooled by these nice guy offenders.

00:40:03.080 Nice guy offenders who have set up this facade that they're the least likely guy who would ever offend.

00:40:08.000 I mean, look at all the good things they're doing.

00:40:09.980 Maybe knowing what offenders actually say and think about us can help you with this thought process.

00:40:15.040 Dr. Anna Salter says that offenders think Christians are easy targets.

00:40:19.560 Here's a quote from her book.

00:40:20.760 One offender stated,

00:40:22.220 Offenders like to hide in churches.

00:40:44.540 It's a target-rich environment.

00:40:46.780 They also like to hide in police stations as well.

00:40:49.300 They like to hide in the Boy Scouts.

00:40:51.600 Remember, they will move mountains and do anything to gain access to victims.

00:40:55.540 Here's some more quotes from her book about what offenders say about their ability to deceive people.

00:41:01.500 I lived a double life.

00:41:03.220 I would do kind and generous things for people.

00:41:05.940 I would give families money that did not have any money.

00:41:08.920 Money that wasn't from the church registry.

00:41:10.720 It came from my own bank account.

00:41:12.840 I would support them in all the ways that I could.

00:41:15.880 Talk to them.

00:41:17.100 Encourage them.

00:41:18.140 I'd go to the nursing homes.

00:41:19.720 I'd pray with the elderly. 0.63

00:41:21.220 I would do community service projects.

00:41:23.500 I would pick up litter off the sides of the road.

00:41:25.700 I would mow lawns for the elderly and the handicapped. 1.00

00:41:29.060 Grocery shop for them.

00:41:30.540 This male, in this particular instance, was in his 20s and he was the youngest deacon in his church.

00:41:36.260 One offender discussed how he acted if he was actually confronted.

00:41:39.460 Basically, if you stay calm and look whoever it is in the eye, especially if the mother of the victim or the victim is there, you can just look at him and make him nervous.

00:41:49.940 The more nervous you make him look, the more it looks like he's lying.

00:41:53.400 Oh, by the way, offenders will often target children who have histories of lying because nobody believes them already anyways.

00:41:59.820 In 2002, the authorities actually uncovered a pedophile ring alive and well within the Catholic Church.

00:42:05.880 They suspected that in the over 50 years that it existed, that over 4,000 pedophiles were hidden within the Catholic Church.

00:42:13.680 This story is profiled in the movie Spotlight, if you want to know more about it.

00:42:17.480 Sadly, in the past, many churches have been fooled by nice guy type offenders.

00:42:22.260 They worry more about their own reputations than supporting the victims.

00:42:25.400 Oftentimes, churches will think, oh, I'm sure he's changed or something like that.

00:42:30.200 This is a secondary traumatization for the victim.

00:42:33.480 It is also a reason that many victims walk away from their faith.

00:42:36.880 If they were abused by someone associated to the church or if the church failed to support them and, in fact, supported their abuser instead of them, they often walk away from their faith.

00:42:47.020 Many will question, is God even real?

00:42:49.160 Please, I'm not picking on pastors or priests or I'm not trying to anyways.

00:42:53.000 Offenders will go into any environment where they have access to children.

00:42:57.640 They become police officers too.

00:42:59.360 I actually investigated one in the RCMP.

00:43:01.360 If you're an abuse victim, know that your abuse was not God's will.

00:43:26.600 In fact, God is deeply grieved and he saw the suffering that you experienced.

00:43:32.220 He desires to heal you.

00:43:34.080 I know this might be a very difficult concept to grasp given, you know, we talk about the goodness of God but then we don't understand suffering.

00:43:42.260 Suffering can only be understood if we understand that evil doesn't come from God.

00:43:47.000 God does not create evil.

00:43:48.800 That is not his will.

00:43:50.000 He's love.

00:43:51.200 And God desires to heal you.

00:43:52.860 One of the many promises in his word is that if we choose to follow him, if we choose to walk in his ways, that he will use even the most horrendous things that ever happened to you to develop you in his relationship with him.

00:44:06.140 And if we are in a relationship with him, good things happen to us.

00:44:09.820 Things like healing and deliverance from suffering.

00:44:12.060 I know this may be a difficult concept to grasp and I know that you might be thinking no good could ever come out of having been sexually abused.

00:44:20.060 I get that.

00:44:20.920 Yes, God is not saying that it was good that you were abused.

00:44:24.120 God doesn't promise that bad things won't happen but he does promise that he'll be here with us.

00:44:28.620 He promises us beauty for our ashes.

00:44:31.400 He promises to erase the shame of our youth.

00:44:33.940 Plus, I mean, healed people help heal other people and that's a great feeling.

00:44:38.320 He will often use what once was your misery to become your ministry to other people who might be going through similar things.

00:44:44.900 Those who question why God allows abuse to happen also question why their abuser seems to have gotten away with it.

00:44:53.180 This, again, relies on an understanding of how God operates, how he deals with sin.

00:44:59.420 If you're a victim, know that God hates sin.

00:45:01.880 Although the Bible says that he is slow to anger and abounding in mercy, God sees the big picture.

00:45:09.560 The Bible says that one day we will all answer for our actions and that he will render to every man according to his works,

00:45:17.200 sending tribulation and anguish on every soul of a man who does evil.

00:45:21.920 And that they will go into everlasting punishment, but the righteous unto eternal life.

00:45:27.120 It also states that whoever causes one of these little ones to stumble,

00:45:31.620 it will be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were drowned in the sea.

00:45:36.400 So God does hate injustice.

00:45:38.620 But since we're taught to believe that the true nature of God is love,

00:45:42.920 perhaps one of the answers as to why God allows abusers to continue in in their acts

00:45:47.740 and why he doesn't just take them out in the moment is because he wants even them to repent.

00:45:53.060 He wants them to change their ways.

00:45:55.000 Jesus never turned away a truly repentant heart.

00:45:58.280 And he told people,

00:45:59.920 Go and sin no more.

00:46:01.660 Jesus was sent to heal those who are sick.

00:46:04.260 Those who are well do not need a physician.

00:46:06.920 As a victim, it might be helpful for you to think of your offender as someone who is sick and in need of healing.

00:46:12.680 I mean, realistically, healthy people don't commit sexual offenses.

00:46:16.720 What about forgiveness?

00:46:18.180 Many victims also either choose not to go into their faith or to walk away from their faith

00:46:23.100 because they think they're going to be placed in the position where they have to forgive and they know they can't do this.

00:46:29.040 Biblical forgiveness is not forgive and forget.

00:46:32.740 Biblical forgiveness does not minimize, deny, or ignore any of the hurt or suffering that you experienced.

00:46:39.100 It doesn't even ask you to reconcile with your offender.

00:46:41.640 In fact, it may be very dangerous for you to do that.

00:46:44.440 Biblical forgiveness does ask you to surrender your offender to the Lord.

00:46:49.540 Because, you see, the Lord knows that there are things that we aren't capable of doing on our own.

00:46:53.780 That's maybe what Jesus meant when he said,

00:46:55.900 With him all things are possible.

00:46:57.760 He knew that we aren't capable of doing something like forgiveness by ourselves.

00:47:02.280 We simply have to agree to the process.

00:47:04.460 And he makes it possible.

00:47:06.100 Outside of the Lord, it is impossible for us to do something like that.

00:47:09.400 And, I mean, you could spend the rest of your life trying to seek revenge and you would never get it anyways.

00:47:15.200 So, biblical forgiveness is meant to set you free.

00:47:18.540 When we surrender our offenders to the Lord, we are the ones that are set free.

00:47:23.220 Besides, the Bible says,

00:47:24.460 Beloved, do not avenge yourself.

00:47:26.300 Vengeance is mine, says the Lord.

00:47:28.160 I will repay.

00:47:29.680 We've covered a lot of ground today.

00:47:31.420 But this is good news.

00:47:32.680 We get to make a difference in society.

00:47:34.740 We get to make a difference in the lives of boys and men who are being victimized.

00:47:38.460 Wouldn't it be wonderful to know someday that you stopped or prevented childhood sexual abuse for someone?

00:47:44.960 Or that you got an offender off the streets?

00:47:47.520 Or that you supported an adult male who might have been contemplating suicide or was using substances to cope?

00:47:53.740 So, here's my call to action for everybody.

00:47:55.680 And this is going to sound crazy, but I actually don't want you to do anything right now.

00:47:59.280 All I want you to do is to think about that boy or man from the beginning that you thought about

00:48:04.600 and wonder, knowing everything that you know now, might he be a victim of sexual abuse?

00:48:09.880 The reason I tell you to not do anything just yet is because there's yet another psychological process at play

00:48:15.800 that kind of gets in the way.

00:48:17.780 So, this process might look something like you go home today and you call up your friend and you say,

00:48:22.900 Hey, I heard this lecture about male sexual abuse.

00:48:26.160 But then what happens is you get this thought process that says,

00:48:29.700 I did my part.

00:48:31.080 Good enough.

00:48:31.920 And then you put it on the shelf and you don't do anything with it when you really need to take action.

00:48:36.580 So, that's why I'm asking you, don't do anything right now.

00:48:39.620 Take action when you really need to take action.

00:48:42.220 Be supportive to that male when he really does need you.

00:48:44.940 Or that take action when you suspect a child is being abused.

00:48:48.620 And if you're too scared to do it alone, get help.

00:48:51.040 Get support.

00:48:51.720 Instead of calling your friend and saying,

00:48:53.200 Hey, I ignored this.

00:48:54.040 Do you think this is okay?

00:48:55.300 Call your friend and say,

00:48:56.260 Hey, I need help.

00:48:56.920 Get down here.

00:48:57.540 Let's do this together.

00:48:59.240 If and when the time comes where you do suspect that an adult male in your life has been sexually abused

00:49:05.200 and you need some ideas about how to broach the subject or how to better support someone,

00:49:09.760 There's a lot of ideas in my book.

00:49:12.120 There's more warning signs in my book.

00:49:14.360 But there's one more thing that you can do right now.

00:49:16.900 Continue to educate yourself.

00:49:19.160 Educate yourself and educate your children.

00:49:22.100 Children need to know that not everybody who starts out as safe will remain safe.

00:49:27.260 Children sadly need to know about the grooming process.

00:49:30.180 Aaron said that if he'd known that sexual abuse could happen to boys,

00:49:33.660 if he'd have known about the grooming process,

00:49:35.780 he could have prevented his own abuse.

00:49:37.700 He believes if he'd have stood up to his offender,

00:49:40.040 he wouldn't have offended against him.

00:49:41.800 94% of abuse is perpetrated by someone the victim knows and loves.

00:49:45.860 Remember, they will test their victims.

00:49:48.020 If the answer in their minds is that they will get reported on

00:49:50.900 because the victim set a healthy boundary for themselves,

00:49:53.840 they will not offend in that instance.

00:49:56.160 So knowing this kind of stuff can prevent childhood sexual abuse.

00:50:00.000 And by the way, I never learned about any of this stuff in school.

00:50:03.000 I never learned about this during my police training,

00:50:05.600 during my master's training, or in my PhD.

00:50:08.400 I only learned about it because of my time in the child sexual exploitation unit

00:50:12.280 and because I made this my topic of research.

00:50:14.820 If you're a parent and you're nervous about having these necessary conversations

00:50:18.660 and you don't exactly know how to educate your children,

00:50:21.540 myself and a colleague have created a three-part book series

00:50:24.240 to help make that a little bit easier for you.

00:50:26.560 It's called Creating Personal Safety Series,

00:50:29.300 and it's available on Amazon.

00:50:31.340 While I was writing my first book,

00:50:33.220 I asked two of my friends to proofread it for me.

00:50:35.960 What I hadn't really thought about with both of these friends

00:50:38.460 was that both of them had lost sons.

00:50:40.920 After both of them had read my book,

00:50:42.900 each of them told me that they felt that

00:50:44.740 what was taking place in my book had happened to their sons.

00:50:48.360 The first one said that her son had mentioned in his youth

00:50:51.760 that his grandmother had touched him.

00:50:53.900 Now, she wasn't sure whether this is accurate or not,

00:50:56.220 but at least she was smart enough to protect her child from grandma, 0.85

00:51:00.000 but they never talked about it ever again.

00:51:03.100 Her son went on to become a drug addict and overdosed.

00:51:06.880 My second friend's son had gone off to camp

00:51:09.880 and had previously loved his camp counselor.

00:51:13.540 Everything was great before he went off to camp.

00:51:15.660 When he came back from camp, he hated his camp counselor,

00:51:19.080 never wanted to see him again,

00:51:20.740 but he refused to talk about what had happened.

00:51:23.500 He completed suicide.

00:51:24.500 So I urge you, please have these difficult conversations.

00:51:28.780 Educate your children.

00:51:30.260 And there's one more thing you can do.

00:51:32.080 Right now, you need to stop believing the myths. 0.92

00:51:35.200 Stop expecting offenders to be creepy white guys 0.52

00:51:38.560 driving vans and, you know, carrying a bag of puppies around. 0.88

00:51:42.500 This is not the case.

00:51:44.120 Offenders will work to become the least likely person

00:51:47.060 you would ever suspect.

00:51:49.280 This is part of the excitement for them.

00:51:51.380 The deception process adds to their level of arousal.

00:51:55.340 I know that's awful to think, but it's true. 1.00

00:51:58.600 Also, you need to stop believing that offenders are monsters.

00:52:01.460 You're going to be able to recognize.

00:52:03.280 This is not the case.

00:52:04.940 Aaron's parents trusted him to go away for three days alone in the bush.

00:52:10.260 Offenders will shake your hand.

00:52:11.640 They will look you in the eye.

00:52:13.020 They will invite you over for dinner.

00:52:14.680 They will sit at your dinner table.

00:52:16.260 Please, I urge you, we can't let any more boys and men walk away from their faith

00:52:20.840 because they haven't been supported.

00:52:23.060 We are looking for a revival.

00:52:25.120 Should the church not be the place that boys and men come to for help and for healing?

00:52:30.220 As a society, we have to do better.

00:52:32.100 And as a church, we most certainly have to do better.

00:52:34.800 I want to thank you for being here.

00:52:36.860 Thank you for caring.

00:52:38.040 Thank you for taking the time to learn about the warning signs

00:52:41.880 and about the grooming process and about how we as a society are missing this.

00:52:47.040 I thank you for doing better in the future.

00:52:49.300 Thanks for being part of the solution.

00:52:51.120 But don't forget, we have to be the ones to take action.

00:52:54.220 If you need more support, if you want more information,

00:52:57.520 check out my book, Men Too, Unspoken Truths About Male Sexual Abuse.

00:53:01.900 Check out my website, kellypalfie.com.

00:53:04.400 I'm Dr. Kelly Palfie.

00:53:05.860 Thank you again.

00:53:06.820 God bless.

00:53:11.880 Thank you.

Action4Canada - January 14, 2024

The Hidden Epidemic of Male Sexual Abuse - Video Series

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