Ali Dawah - ARE ASIAN BRIDES FORCED TO LIVE WITH IN-LAWS？ EP 9 ｜

00:00:00.000 The Sunnah is the wife has the right to live separately from her husband's family and if the

00:00:04.820 husband is not willing to provide that then he needs to find someone that is willing to fit in

00:00:08.380 that bracket but for me personally. It's almost like you know you've got eyes on you every mistake

00:00:13.420 you know every cooking you know how many times a day you cook everything you've just got like a

00:00:18.320 spotlight on you. They find it hard to be away from their parents and sometimes I ask myself

00:00:23.820 do I have this negative like mummy's boy perception about this because of my own upbringing and

00:00:29.040 because of this lack of culture and how distant family are maybe it's khair that they have this

00:00:34.980 this love and attachment. You know you don't really know you know you don't know each other too well

00:00:39.120 so you're getting to know him he's getting to know you and I want the freedom to just walk around

00:00:43.780 without my hijab. Exactly. Because my brother-in-laws I have to you know be modest from them. Because

00:00:49.180 like for my culture Kurdish, Turkey we don't to what we expected you get married you get your own

00:00:55.800 place yeah. I find it a little bit strange the fact that newlyweds bro come on bruv you're you're

00:01:02.080 living with your in-laws. I want to be having private moments with my wife and worried about

00:01:06.480 whoever other in-laws anyone else present in the house. He's living with your family the same for

00:01:11.820 him. He has to walk on eggshells he has to cover his modesty around your sisters. They've lived with

00:01:18.440 their in-laws it has really caused a lot of problems from day one and they do not have that sense of

00:01:23.900 dean and taking on that daughter-in-law as their own daughter unfortunately. I feel like this was

00:01:28.440 kind of a history class instead of what the actual topic is. Should newlyweds live with their in-laws

00:01:33.260 that's what we're talking about. We're not talking about culture Pakistan India Bangladesh that is

00:01:37.680 so irrelevant but that's not the point of the topic.

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00:02:03.320 As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi barakatuh brothers and sisters and dear friends hope you guys are well

00:02:06.580 inshallah. Welcome to another episode of The Bitter Truth inshallah. It's been a mad day anyways.

00:02:12.700 Before I start I want to praise Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala the most merciful the most just or

00:02:17.160 praise his glory and gratitude belong to him and also I want to thank the people Abdul Kareem my brother

00:02:21.560 Anas and many other team members who have made this happen and I want to thank the co-producer which

00:02:28.380 is my wife who helps me decide these topics as we have heated debates at home. Anyways so moving

00:02:34.700 swiftly on uh butters butters buzzers so the buzzers if you disagree with someone so let's say the

00:02:49.700 sister's speaking and you disagree you press it you have one and a half minute no one can disturb you

00:02:53.140 yeah okay so you have a chance only once to press it um yeah and that's it let's get straight into it

00:02:58.180 this is a phenomena that happens in the Asian community um you are Pakistani yourself if I'm not

00:03:02.780 mistaken Zeeshan it's a big problem in your uh subcontinent anyways should new new new brides

00:03:09.740 live with in-laws now I hear these issues a lot sometimes this is message and say you know what

00:03:17.060 brother you know my mother-in-law father-in-law is treating me like this or treating me like that

00:03:20.860 I want to know myself please how many Asians here like one two Pakistani yeah anyways uh

00:03:28.940 sis away from Bengali Bengali Pakistani Pakistani oh Afghani okay interesting okay no problem so can

00:03:36.140 you please tell us yeah because I really want to know because like for my culture Kurdish Turkey

00:03:40.140 um we don't to us we're expected you get married move out you get your own place yeah I find it a

00:03:46.340 little bit strange the fact that newlyweds bro come on bruv you're you're living with your in-laws

00:03:51.960 so I'm gonna open the discussion inshallah do you think that is correct let's start with the

00:03:56.740 sisters and before you maybe introduce yourself we've got a new sister sister Nazin Nazin Nazin yeah

00:04:01.760 okay may Allah bless you my dear sister thanks for coming uh please tell us a bit about yourself

00:04:05.140 inshallah assalamualaikum my name is Nazin I am currently a student athlete and I just create

00:04:10.980 content part-time inshallah may Allah bless you my dear sister um sister Mahnur is becoming a regular

00:04:16.160 and she's with her husband uh may Allah bless them preserve their marriage inshallah and Mustafa

00:04:20.560 how long you guys be married so uh coming up to three and a half years now can you get a bit closer

00:04:24.860 yeah coming up to three and a half years now may Allah preserve you guys inshallah

00:04:27.980 inshallah children and alhamdulillah we've got uh two alhamdulillah two under two may Allah bless you

00:04:34.520 this is what we want to see more marriages stable marriages alhamdulillah may Allah preserve you

00:04:37.500 guys so that you're here with your dear wife yes uh sister Mahnur and maybe you can tell a bit

00:04:41.760 about yourself sister yeah assalamualaikum um so my name is Mahnur I'm currently studying a

00:04:47.560 bachelor's of science degree in psychology um as my husband mentioned we've got two kids

00:04:51.900 alhamdulillah I also teach part-time um the arabic language quran and islamic studies

00:04:57.640 to children ages um seven to 18 um and I also do a weekly class on zoom at albert institute where

00:05:07.560 I mentor and discuss various topics surrounding mental health from an islamic and secular perspective

00:05:13.120 may Allah bless you inshallah sister Fahima needs no introduction she's a regular here

00:05:16.680 um so uh neither does the Chinese are regular as well um sister Suad may Allah bless her is quite

00:05:22.500 new so maybe tell a bit about yourself um so my name is Suad um I'm 35 divorced I have a daughter

00:05:32.900 who's four years old alhamdulillah um I work in the corporate world so I work in compliance and

00:05:39.520 alhamdulillah you know it's uh it's not easy juggling motherhood and full-time work but alhamdulillah

00:05:47.460 you know and I'm just here to share my views on what it's like both sides yes uh may Allah bless

00:05:55.300 sister Suad as well mashallah she speaks a lot of facts truths uh we actually invited her specifically

00:06:00.260 but she actually applied beforehand uh may Allah bless her um she was an ex-feminist well I mean

00:06:06.100 I was I dibbled and dabbled you know just just a tad but alhamdulillah you know I always had my

00:06:12.660 iman and my deen but um yes yes yes yes yes but no no they actually invited us but uh yeah but

00:06:22.120 the thing is it's interesting because may Allah bless you we need more sisters like you with your

00:06:25.820 mentality to exist which we're going to come out uh come to later but um the brother is new

00:06:30.580 inshallah just tell a little bit about yourself

00:06:31.920 um i'm a revert to islam is this close enough to the mic i'm a revert to islam um i've been a

00:06:42.920 muslim for a little over 12 years um i do counseling uh through a class counseling which i've been doing

00:06:49.500 for about five years now alhamdulillah um i also work in the construction industry i design clothes and

00:06:58.600 i'm newly ill with seamos

00:07:01.800 okay so let's start with the topic inshallah like i said um which is should do you guys agree that

00:07:11.100 brides should live new brides or right for the matter should live with in-laws when you mean um

00:07:16.980 live with in-laws do you mean like so i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i forgot to your husband

00:07:21.240 forgive me forgive me forgive me sorry remind me is this close enough to the mic yes so yeah i'm

00:07:29.340 mustapha as this i'm here with my wife uh we got married three and a half years ago uh we have two

00:07:34.480 daughters under two and currently i work as an auditor um in one of the big four firms um specializing in

00:07:41.120 financial services um and in my free time i help uh you know mentor uh graduates land their first role

00:07:48.360 um in professional services and i also help you know in my personal time with friends who are

00:07:53.420 looking to get married and also are going through issues um in their marriage as well

00:07:58.060 yes sister you're saying so now i was just gonna i want to clarify the question a bit when you mean

00:08:04.000 live with them do you mean like in the same house where you share all the common spaces or

00:08:08.380 like on two different floors within the same house tell me tell me your perspective on both so let's talk

00:08:12.940 about one where it's you're sharing everything and one you have your some sort of own space okay so i just

00:08:18.260 want to start by saying that obviously not this like this like there's no like one size fit all

00:08:23.680 situation for marriages like every marriage and every law is a threat and your understanding that

00:08:28.760 develops with them develops over time so it could be quite detrimental in the beginning especially when

00:08:33.640 you're new to that family you don't know their values you don't know how they function around the

00:08:37.240 house um so over time obviously if you develop that understanding with them then you could you and

00:08:43.740 your husband can come to terms that okay you know if need be we can live with them or take care of

00:08:47.860 them um but i think it's also a difference when they come live with you versus when you go live

00:08:54.360 with them because when they come and living with you they're living under your terms and you don't

00:08:59.000 lose your independence because they kind of fit in your lifestyle versus when you go live with them

00:09:04.280 it's like you're adjusting your life you know in certain dynamics um to cater to their lifestyle

00:09:10.780 and then i think um another thing is that there's always going to be that judgment from them

00:09:17.880 unfortunately whether it's direct or indirect um because then you people and once again you don't

00:09:23.880 really know about each other do you so um yeah so i think that these are some things to take in

00:09:29.420 consideration if you consider moving and obviously it depends as well as you said that yeah just just

00:09:35.080 something else i want to say i think it's really important to consider why you're actually living

00:09:38.140 with the in-laws so some people that have like a in the asian community they have a joint family

00:09:42.160 system so growing up it's just expected that once they get married their wife is going to come and live

00:09:46.740 in the same household as them but some people some of my friends what they do is they they live

00:09:51.320 within like that you know they their wife comes to live in their household um but only to the

00:09:56.400 extent where they're able to save up um in order to move out and you know either rent or buy their

00:10:01.120 own property so i think it's really important to be clear as as to why um you're living with in-laws

00:10:06.560 it might not be that it's for the you know for the foreseeable future uh it could be for the short

00:10:10.840 term instead of the long term um so yeah that's a but the thing is in the asian culture it's not

00:10:15.160 short term it's quite yeah so it's quite long term so this is something that's important to clarify

00:10:18.960 i mean sister nasnin would you i mean if you got newly married would you feel comfortable

00:10:25.100 living with your in-laws or would you want like your own space with your husband so firstly when

00:10:29.080 you get married to someone you're experiencing something new with them it's supposed to be

00:10:32.940 something blessed sacred and naturally speaking we want to have that private intimate moment with

00:10:37.380 your husband or your wife personally for me from the get-go i will tell my to-be husband i want to

00:10:42.980 live us two separate from your family is that what you want yes or no if he says no then

00:10:47.200 alhamdulillah have a good day you go find a wife that would be willing to live with your family but

00:10:52.360 for me personally i'm bangolian and i and i sit in that culture where most newlyweds live with their

00:10:58.900 in-laws i don't agree it's not about culture we're talking about islam we're talking about the hadith

00:11:02.340 we're talking about the sunnah the sunnah is the wife has the right to live separately from her

00:11:07.360 husband's family and if the husband is not willing to provide that or you know work with that then he

00:11:13.020 needs to find someone that is willing to fit in that bracket but for me personally you know why try

00:11:17.800 fix something that's not broken it's just black and white yes or no i feel like over complicating

00:11:22.360 the question is just unnecessary so that's just where i stand on that interesting straight to the

00:11:26.320 point may Allah bless you sister nazdin an interesting perspective she's straight to the point not messing

00:11:29.420 around but you know yes like i mean is there anything from the quran and sunnah to say that she has to

00:11:34.820 live with the the parents i don't think so from what i know um sister swad um you're from a somali

00:11:41.020 background um how is it in your culture for example if you was asked to stay with your

00:11:47.360 in-laws how is it with the somali culture um they can't get rid of you quick enough

00:11:51.980 they want you out asap rocky but um um so when i got married um it was under the so my ex and i we had

00:12:02.280 the conversation and i said i wanted to have my own space the option was there to move in with my

00:12:08.180 in-laws but i i wouldn't because look when you're new you're starting to get to know each other

00:12:13.960 and you don't want to do that in a room full of people exactly exactly his family who would and i'm

00:12:20.300 not saying this is what my you know ex family it did but well my ex's family what they did but

00:12:27.820 uh it it's almost like you know you've got eyes on you every mistake you know every cooking you know

00:12:34.040 if you know how many times a day you could everything you've just got like a spotlight on

00:12:38.940 you whereas if you've got your own space you can learn get to know each other and learn more about

00:12:44.840 each other and you can make your mistakes and have your private arguments because in the beginning

00:12:48.920 that's when you have a lot of the clashes you know you don't really know you know you don't know

00:12:53.240 each other too well so you're getting to know him he's getting to know you and i want the freedom

00:12:57.420 to just walk around without my hijab exactly because my brother-in-laws i have to you know

00:13:02.620 be modest from them and uh of course my father and i won't have to but you know using the toilet

00:13:09.800 when i'm showering i have to make sure there's nobody around so at least having that space of

00:13:14.140 mind for me and my husband to truly get to know each other and i think that would give you the best

00:13:19.280 foot forward in your marriage could i just also add to what the sister has said i totally view

00:13:24.060 everything you said and i also want to mention that just because i am opposed to living with my

00:13:29.340 husband's family that doesn't that doesn't mean i'm not also opposed to you know maybe staying a

00:13:33.340 night over spending time with his family building that connection of course i have no problem with

00:13:37.340 doing that and what you said about walking around without the hijab or you know being able to shower

00:13:41.180 without thinking did i lock the door is there anyone outside oh no i've got my towel i can't go get out

00:13:45.420 i can't like these little small small things will catch up to you in the long term and that's when those

00:13:49.860 clashes will come with you and your husband when the honeymoon phase is over your husband is going to be

00:13:53.920 like why are you acting like this this is not the woman i married yeah but where's my right where's

00:13:57.180 my privacy where's my when you're at his family exactly you're gonna kind of keep a lot in yeah

00:14:02.840 my guard is up my guard is up because i don't want to you're not going to be yourself yourself yeah i

00:14:07.100 don't want to give the wrong impression to his family at the end of the day i care about him and

00:14:10.280 his family yeah and i want to be mindful as well just just to say um on the other side if he's living

00:14:16.800 with your family the same for him he has to walk on eggshells he has to cover his modesty around your

00:14:23.840 sisters and he's not comfortable so again it's both you know in-laws from her side or his side

00:14:30.400 it's i feel and i think is detrimental to newlyweds yeah and we had a discussion we had a topic called

00:14:37.940 should um in-laws get involved in marital disputes in this very instance they are in it i mean you can't

00:14:44.240 get away with it you know and i always say that keep keep it away like arguments away from your

00:14:48.940 in-laws because at the end of the day it's going to be toxic we discussed this on one of the episodes

00:14:52.380 we released uh because if you have an argument and then you go and tell like i make it a principle

00:14:56.540 like me and my wife my mom i'll have like me and my wife will have arguments it's normal by the way

00:15:00.540 guys hello yes marriage is normal you have fights arguments normal worry if you didn't argue you should

00:15:07.380 be worried if you don't argue yeah okay that's agi that's weird yeah yeah so these arguments happen and my

00:15:12.180 mom will always come to me tell me what happened tell me i'll go mom no it's nothing look you don't

00:15:16.140 need to know why okay imagine i'll come and say to mom okay mom this happened she might have a

00:15:20.740 resentment towards my wife she will and the vice versa if my wife went and said he did this and this and

00:15:25.000 this yeah okay and we make up and when we make up you guys got the the the parents are going to be

00:15:30.160 the one that's going to be bad because don't get involved so it's better they're not involved but in

00:15:33.800 this very instance the shine maybe jibreel as well that i mean what would you guys say because at the end

00:15:39.740 of the day now they're involved bro do you not think it's detrimental to the marriage and i know

00:15:44.780 there are situations i know there are situations where there's exceptions so if the husband for

00:15:50.280 example his mom has nowhere to go yeah these are exceptions or vice versa she has a father and if

00:15:56.680 she gets married there's no one to look after him 100 of course we're not talking about these

00:16:00.640 instances where these things can happen but do you not believe zishan would reveal that this is

00:16:04.840 detrimental to the marriage that everything is going on in front of their very eyes

00:16:08.020 well first of all i think that whether the couple are living amongst in-laws or not i think it very

00:16:18.520 much if if it's in a man or a woman's character to expose the shortcomings of their spouse regardless

00:16:25.700 of if the in-laws are living with them or not they will come to know about it and sometimes

00:16:30.000 if the in-laws aren't present in the home to see the reality of what's taking place in the home

00:16:37.260 and one let it be whether it be the son or whether it be the daughter is going to her parents

00:16:44.460 to complain to those who are outside of the home so let's say for example a sister's moved in with her

00:16:49.020 husband and her parents are obviously at their home and she calls complaining about

00:16:55.180 my husband did this my husband did that if they're not present in the home and and seeing what's

00:17:01.580 taking place on a daily basis then they can have a very distorted understanding of the reality of

00:17:07.320 what's taking place so sometimes it can actually be good for the parents to be present in the home

00:17:12.160 because they see the character and the behavior of the wife and they also see the character and

00:17:17.980 behavior of the husband so there can be benefits when there are family disputes or dispute between

00:17:23.140 husband and wife and there are wise in-laws present in the home to actually deal with it in a good

00:17:28.040 manner i think the problem arises when you have biased in-laws unjust in-laws unwise in-laws who will

00:17:38.700 witness their own child oppressing their spouse but because it's their child they'll defend them

00:17:44.220 and i've i'm familiar with a situation where this was actually causing severe problems in the marriage

00:17:55.420 and when i say this i'm referring to one of the spouses behaving in in a not so good manner to

00:18:02.100 to the other spouse let me be a little bit clearer the son is not behaving well to the his wife but the

00:18:11.900 wife lives with her mother-in-law and her husband but the mother the mother-in-law is defending her son

00:18:19.280 even when he's clearly in the wrong and this causes friction because not only does it not hold the son

00:18:25.420 accountable but it also makes the daughter-in-law feel oppressed unloved she has to be around these people

00:18:33.960 every single day and it was to such an extent that i actually had a conversation with the brother and

00:18:39.980 he said that this is a genuine problem he actually acknowledged the fact that his mother's behavior

00:18:44.820 was a problem in their marriage it would have been better if she actually held him accountable

00:18:49.740 you know so it really depends on the circumstances there's so many nuances and so many different

00:18:55.680 avenues but when it comes to the nature of marriage there's so many you really need an in-depth

00:19:00.160 understanding of what's actually taking place but um of course if you're having issues and the in-laws

00:19:06.600 are in the home it's very hard to avoid of course they're going to hear shouting they're going to hear

00:19:11.060 screaming they're going to see people's faces that are happy or upset so it's difficult to avoid but

00:19:16.560 again it all depends on the in-laws are we talking in in regards to generally or with regards to

00:19:27.000 arguments like generally to live with the in-laws okay well obviously as a reaver it's not our custom

00:19:35.100 it's not our custom um my preference is to have privacy my preference is to be able to walk around

00:19:43.840 as freely as i want i don't want to i don't want to be having private moments with my wife and worried

00:19:50.060 about my my my whoever other indoors anyone else present in the house that's very uncomfortable

00:19:57.880 and just something i can never really wrap my head around sometimes if i pluck up the courage i might

00:20:02.560 ask some of my asian companions how they deal with that um because i really can't understand it

00:20:09.020 but at the same time as well i also think that there's a lot of barakah and khair in it

00:20:15.060 yeah i i know i know people who have very good relationships with their in-laws their in-laws

00:20:21.840 love them they love their in-laws and of course they will take time perhaps book a hotel perhaps go

00:20:30.520 away for a period of time and then come back so if they need moments of privacy if they have the means

00:20:36.280 they have the provision then they can always get time away from their in-laws of course practically

00:20:42.640 you're not every week going to book somewhere and go away this is this isn't this isn't real life

00:20:47.040 but um yeah i'm familiar with many instances where where being living with the in-laws is is an

00:20:55.140 enjoyable experience for both okay interesting perspective as you shine what do you have to say

00:21:01.080 uh first of all mashallah very very very very balanced very very balanced answer i'm sure it was

00:21:09.680 a view that's not discussed as much today and i like the way you kind of presented that because it

00:21:16.520 depends on the in-laws depends on the spouses themselves generally speaking however i think

00:21:22.440 with the ulama that i've kind of come across they actually recommend um you staying and living

00:21:29.700 separately to your in-laws um reason being because i mean if you look at the nature of the way your

00:21:36.280 marriage is it's it's two people i well generally they're they're young generally and they're

00:21:44.480 unfamiliar with a lot of things they're going to be making mistakes and unfortunately and sadly when

00:21:49.380 other people are involved now when the husband and the wife they reconcile now you have to reconcile

00:21:55.680 with the other people they're going to be angry then you have to deal with that aspect as well so in

00:22:00.480 one argument instead of two people there's like three four people and unfortunately some people

00:22:06.700 they remember certain things and over time things become poison starts building up and resentment starts

00:22:16.020 building up and generally speaking this this has happened and that's why the the imam the local imam

00:22:22.480 he he says as well if you want to have that loving relationship with your son uh send him away like

00:22:28.400 let him have his own place that way that absence makes the heart grow fonder but if you're there in

00:22:33.660 each other's face all the time and you know there's conflict of understanding and stuff like that it's

00:22:39.400 actually unnecessarily messy now the thing is you said asian community yeah let me say that again

00:22:45.900 the asian community yeah it seems like you do so let's let's have a bit of a history lesson here

00:22:54.800 yeah yes you ready for the history lesson i'm ready yeah so the asian community comprises of india

00:23:01.160 pakistan and bangladesh yeah yeah that's what i was that's what i was talking about thank you yeah

00:23:05.120 so they used to live in one place called hindustan yeah it was it was actually one place

00:23:10.840 the india today uh yeah not the india today it's india pakistan and bangladesh yeah

00:23:17.360 are you following me so far ali very closely so so at that time the thing is we we have even in

00:23:26.100 terms of when we get married we have a lot of kind of indian customs that have seeped in

00:23:30.320 yeah and they have been kind of influential in certain things so that's that's one aspect

00:23:35.100 the other thing ali is that we were colonized by the british for about 200 years

00:23:41.280 yeah whilst we were very economically well off however during the british's reign we actually

00:23:49.440 were not it was incredibly difficult so let's just say you had a plot of land and in that plot of land

00:23:55.500 you would you know get all your relatives kind of in there it wouldn't be feasible it wouldn't be

00:24:02.040 feasible for you to buy loads of land and and kind of spread everything so back in the days when i would

00:24:10.380 go to pakistan i would actually see that yes in one house you have you know the people that got

00:24:15.680 married but now in the villages i'm seeing now that people are becoming more financially okay

00:24:23.360 they are now like the sister said they are now actually creating stories now so on the one

00:24:28.840 one level you've got the parents on the other level you've got the first family that's why that

00:24:33.360 question was actually a very good question because when you say that this is very prevalent amongst the

00:24:40.120 asians are you talking about now are you talking about in the past or are you talking about some

00:24:43.760 delusion that you've concocted in your head i like that it's still now you're talking about it's still

00:24:49.260 now can you speak simply yeah no absolutely i'm waiting for this because a lot of you guys have

00:24:53.820 been really really calm and very i want to talk about the reality because i deal with hundreds of

00:24:58.960 families across the globe and from different backgrounds and it does stem from the south asian

00:25:04.260 background where they are a lot of problems when they do live with their in-laws and they are very

00:25:09.400 unfairly unjust to the daughter-in-laws in particular and most most of the time it is the the women that

00:25:16.160 moves in with the in-laws so i've had what capacity do they come to you like counselor or yes okay as a

00:25:23.140 counselor yes so coaching yeah so it makes sense that people with issues will go to a counselor

00:25:29.420 and i also get recommendation from the scholars because they've had divorces and they've had issues

00:25:35.540 they go to the scholar they can't sort it out and then the scholar comes to me to sort of say go and

00:25:41.120 deal with you know see for him for the actual uh reconciliation or the issues that you know has

00:25:47.140 been dissolved in the marriage and how to go afterwards and most of it comes from the fact that

00:25:51.740 if they've lived with their in-laws it has really caused a lot of problems from day one and they do not

00:25:57.580 have that sense of deen and taking on that daughter-in-law as their own daughter unfortunately in

00:26:03.140 muslim homes because it is more cultural than it is in those sort of particular backgrounds yeah which

00:26:08.660 i have first-hand experience of listening to that it's more about the culture than it is the religion

00:26:14.360 yeah so so like i said i mean i already talked about that and it is in the uk and the western

00:26:19.500 world as well not just from the villages that you're talking about right it's happening currently

00:26:23.100 right so now the question arises that how is it happening in the uk uh so the people that have

00:26:28.780 actually come and have migrated the people that have migrated they've migrated because generally

00:26:36.140 speaking they have actually not been financially well off there so it's these same individuals

00:26:41.680 with the same practices that have now migrated that have come here just because you don't think

00:26:46.460 it's financial i think it's more no no no statistically speaking the people that have migrated to the uk

00:26:52.700 that are from india pakistan bangladesh are those that were actually not well off over there they've

00:26:57.560 come here for a better life and they've got a better life and they're still living the old life

00:27:01.760 yeah but that's besides the point that the point is that it's disadvantaged people that have come and

00:27:07.760 over there when they were disadvantaged this culture was prevalent so they've somehow imported that culture

00:27:13.920 here and they are doing that and slowly slowly they are now becoming aware that it's actually not

00:27:20.020 really needed yeah it's actually counterproductive but to deny or to say that oh it's it's there's no real

00:27:27.220 background there is a background and the background comes from people at that time that it was actually

00:27:32.620 not feasible for them to be buying loads of plots plots of land and separating and scattering the family

00:27:38.620 now the way things are happening over there and i've seen it myself it is the fact that they are now

00:27:44.600 doing that because they are able to it's more easier to buy land it's more easier to build and that's

00:27:50.660 why uh the the kind of perceptions and views are now changing i don't know where it's changing because

00:27:57.580 a lot of the time again it's not just about the finance they just expect their sons to be living

00:28:03.120 in the house with them and bring the daughter-in-law in there it's changing i mean i i go there and i'm i'm

00:28:09.060 i'm i'm kind of well acquainted with the people with the people that are there as well

00:28:13.160 no no you don't have to stop straight away yeah you just finish a sentence finish a sentence

00:28:18.640 yeah yeah so i lost my train of thought

00:28:21.980 you said you went to pakistan and you've seen yeah yeah so so you're saying where i mean from

00:28:28.060 from the people that are there from observing it myself from going to villages and seeing people

00:28:33.360 kind of separating their families because it actually doesn't work like when there's an imperative

00:28:38.020 and you're realizing that it actually you know that you can't move out it's not actually financially

00:28:43.160 possible you've been colonized so you have to kind of make do then you do it's like in war and you're

00:28:49.840 you're given rationed food however after war finishes then it's not practical to carry that

00:28:55.460 rationing mentality on when when you can change that behavior so it's the same case now when people

00:29:00.840 are now coming and when people are seeing that like you said cases are coming to you and that's why

00:29:06.140 it's not working out why because that moment or that time that we were colonized that you know we

00:29:11.780 had an imperative to kind of survive in that time it's no longer needed now and that's why there

00:29:16.660 has become a shift the older generation still feels that way it does but the youngsters like their

00:29:20.940 sister has said as well they've made it clear in their expectations that they that they don't yeah

00:29:24.920 they they don't want to do that okay let's go to can i just say um you've got one and a half minutes

00:29:29.140 can i just say i feel like we're kind of going away from the actual topic of this conversation i feel like

00:29:33.140 this was kind of a history class instead of the what the actual topic is should newlyweds live with

00:29:37.740 their in-laws that's what we're talking about we're not talking about culture pakistan india

00:29:41.820 bangladesh that is so irrelevant but that's not the point of the topic that's not the point i do

00:29:48.000 we're in a room full of different cultures and different backgrounds but the point stands is that

00:29:52.140 should newlyweds live with their in-laws personally no you may think differently because of your culture and

00:29:57.600 the way you were raised and the history and so on and so forth but i feel like what sister over here said

00:30:02.540 about you know how mothers treat their sons and what their expectations have yes that's

00:30:06.420 very prevalent but the question is should newlyweds live with their in-laws that's it that that's why

00:30:11.440 i interrupted just so we can like mediate the conversation back to what the topic is

00:30:15.080 that's it yeah i'm done i'm done i'm done yes so so the reason i brought up the asian point was

00:30:21.600 because you categorically said asians and it was repeated like two three times it's not like

00:30:26.760 there does need to be a historical narrative because if you're asking it's present in the asian

00:30:31.260 community why then you have to give a reason and if the reason is historical then you need to

00:30:35.420 provide a historical thing and a historical narrative and before the historical narrative

00:30:40.060 i gave a categorical answer about what scholars recommend and what my opinion is regarding the

00:30:44.680 matter so both things were covered what what what's your name what nazlin nazlin what nazlin mentioned

00:30:52.260 at the beginning um was really and truly it probably one of the most important points

00:30:58.760 and it's about having a very transparent clear dialogue in the beginning there's there's a brother

00:31:05.980 that i train with at grappling and i see his lifestyle he travels a lot um and i and i assumed that he

00:31:15.180 wasn't married because of this and he said i'm married bro i've been married for two years

00:31:20.260 and i was like wow bro you're always you know here there going to manchester to watch this

00:31:25.220 calisthenics competition and this that and the other and he said bro before i got married i had a clear

00:31:30.360 conversation with my wife that this is how i want to live and this is how i want things to be

00:31:35.920 and if she agreed with it fine and if she didn't no problem if you have the communication early and you

00:31:42.340 let your spouse know i'm not interested in marrying you if you if you don't have a place for us by yourself

00:31:48.920 then this will save a lot of problems but i've had a number of sessions with clients

00:31:53.100 where they're having issues in in the home due to in-laws and i think that we would all probably agree

00:32:02.860 that in most cases living with in-laws is much more complicated and problematic than living with

00:32:09.960 just you and your spouse there's a lot more juggling a lot more plates to juggle or spin as they say

00:32:16.740 so you know that that's a reality that we can't escape but if you're transparent and you're clear

00:32:22.900 from the beginning and that can that can go in two different ways i'll explain if you say what sister

00:32:28.720 nazine says for it will say for example and made it clear from the beginning she will save herself

00:32:33.220 hassle because she'll be marrying someone who's already got a place she'll be making sure that that's

00:32:38.520 known however there are sisters who agree to living with their in-laws and then after some time

00:32:46.440 there are some trials some tests and now they're forcing their husband and they're putting conditions

00:32:53.300 on their husband which they islamically have but they're putting pressure on him to now be able to

00:32:58.520 provide a place now the brother was mentioning about back home and about means the cost of living in

00:33:06.460 this country and particularly in this city has gone through the roof so it's very difficult for

00:33:11.880 brothers i don't know if you guys have seen what the rent market's like but it's crazy so for some

00:33:17.560 brothers it's actually going to damage their finances greatly to go and rent somewhere and were they to

00:33:24.960 live with the in-laws the husband and wife can potentially have a much better quality of life

00:33:31.360 for this depending but yeah yeah of course depending on the circumstances around around

00:33:36.780 the home but they'll have more disposable income to be able to perhaps travel more or to be able to

00:33:42.180 go out more and enjoy things with each other so you know there's there's there's multiple you know

00:33:46.840 ways of um if the in-laws don't interfere i've heard of stories where the the the wife would be

00:33:53.960 like i would go work earn extra and let's get our own place exactly and i've seen this happen

00:33:58.080 one room literally she was like i would contribute let's bounce yeah i've seen that so i don't know

00:34:06.080 is it i don't know if there's any more things the brother made an excellent point he said just quickly

00:34:11.060 finish one one one thing quickly because i need i need to make this point but i actually lost track

00:34:15.100 slightly if a sister does agree with her husband or doesn't make any issue with living with in-laws

00:34:21.900 then i really do feel that it's almost to an extent upon her to be patient with the situation

00:34:27.480 she should certainly express herself and say that listen look i thought i'd be able to handle this

00:34:32.480 but it's actually difficult like i think that we need to get our own place and then be patient

00:34:37.780 with that transition and be patient with because you have to remember the husband probably wants to

00:34:43.120 live by himself with his wife anyway do you understand but then he's i've noticed that in the

00:34:48.340 asian community there's a lot of mummy's ways to be honest with you really really really intrigued

00:34:54.520 i don't want to be offensive i'll try to slow it down but i just said let me just say it because

00:34:59.420 i'll take too long you know um they find it hard to be away from their parents and sometimes i ask

00:35:05.580 myself do i have this negative like mummy's boy perception about this because of my own upbringing

00:35:10.960 and because of this lack of culture and how distant family are maybe it's hard that they have this

00:35:17.080 this love and attachment or maybe it goes a little bit a little bit too far but the husband in most

00:35:22.160 instances he probably really wants to be alone with his wife but then he's also going to have pressure

00:35:26.880 from his parents about leaving them and then there's there's the islamic perspective on taking care of

00:35:34.680 your parents and being dutiful to your parents and things of that nature so there's a lot of pressure

00:35:39.120 on the husband's side that the wife needs to empathize with and have patience with when it

00:35:43.640 comes to this yeah i think that's interesting man you know it's a fine balance because at the end of

00:35:47.480 the day i think it's a beautiful thing but they have what you guys have in your culture which is

00:35:50.680 that you know bond with the family and i think everyone has it uh to that level and i suppose

00:35:54.860 there's extremes of mummy's boys etc but this thing about mummy's boys though i don't i don't think

00:36:00.220 it's no no no it's it's actually not it's actually not mummy's boys it's the way obedience is seen

00:36:06.700 in the asian culture and if a person is kind of moving out is that seen as being disrespectful or

00:36:12.680 this or that it's not oh the person can't survive without the mom or this or that no it's actually

00:36:17.180 that okay if i move will i be called a bad son how will it be seen yeah it's that stigma and stuff

00:36:22.760 like that and again it's it's stuff that we're shirking off because it is affecting uh marital

00:36:28.680 relationships and that's that's actually undeniable why because of the nature because of

00:36:32.700 the way things have become now back in the days you know a village was a village now the whole

00:36:37.220 world has become a global village even in the villages you're seeing programs and shows and

00:36:41.580 stuff like that so people are consuming the same content it's actually very difficult for you to

00:36:45.840 consume that content and still be okay with living a traditional life so we have to kind of understand

00:36:52.180 that the times that we're in now you know and the content that we're consuming it's actually very

00:36:56.400 difficult for us to kind of maintain that traditional old school form of living but the brother did

00:37:02.640 say something fantastic which is that if you are to kind of meet in the middle and be balanced

00:37:07.120 balanced you can say that okay i'm not financially strong but if we stay with the in-laws for a short

00:37:12.500 period of time that we can step you know stand on our feet and then we can do that there does need to

00:37:17.220 be some some understanding some people go too much on one extreme and say no totally not some people

00:37:22.360 say no no no we will and we'll you know it'll be right the rooms will be next to each other and this

00:37:26.800 and that there needs to be space and like the people were saying to to to kind of walk around freely

00:37:32.660 you know not worry about you know i have to cover myself i mean living with a brother-in-law is ridiculous

00:37:37.080 to be honest i think that's that's that's going too far i mean even barda and stuff like that i mean

00:37:43.080 you're supposed to you you should want to see your wife you know in in a certain way good not only that

00:37:49.600 but the process said the the brother the brother-in-law is like death and and most most kind

00:37:55.860 of haram relationships take place with the people that kind of frequent the home and stuff like that

00:38:00.600 well actually your wife your wife yeah sister you've got you've got one and a half minute we're

00:38:06.620 gonna wrap up inshallah move to our next topic inshallah very soon so yeah you've got one and a half

00:38:09.540 minute now yeah i was gonna say that i agree with brother zishan um about everything he said but um

00:38:14.340 because i have experienced myself first having with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law

00:38:18.140 once again i think it's all about communication and management and it's definitely different to

00:38:23.720 when you're living with the parent-in-laws because that they're elder than you they have you know that

00:38:27.560 that respect is like expected from you but if you're living with someone with your sister-in-law

00:38:32.720 you have that communication and you can make it work out for like a short term especially

00:38:37.800 i think it's not that much of an issue to be honest and also i was going to say just interlinking

00:38:42.800 with this topic about in-laws i think the sun has a very integral part in

00:38:47.020 you know that communication that that understanding that happens um when you marry a girl obviously she

00:38:52.840 has no idea about your family so you're the one who's responsible to teach her about your family

00:38:58.080 tell her what your mom likes tell her what your dad likes tell her what they expect of you

00:39:01.480 um as a couple or what the expectations are about you and yes i think that that becomes an issue also

00:39:07.660 i think another thing is that before sons are married they're really close to their parents

00:39:11.840 and then all of a sudden they get married and then they're distant and the parents think oh wait a

00:39:15.360 man especially in our you know asian community you know cultures it's because of her because she

00:39:18.960 polluted her you know she brainwashed her and that's not fair and that's assumption and assumption

00:39:24.020 is a mother of all illness and submission you know it's not a good trait so we should be very

00:39:29.520 aware of that okay seven seconds let me yeah go on let's hear your wife go on i agree with i was

00:39:35.020 gonna say let me clarify my position let me clarify seven seconds she's got seven seconds

00:39:38.340 let me clarify my position and the question is should newlyweds live with their in-laws my

00:39:47.540 personal answer is ideally no especially for the short term no did you say no okay yeah i think no

00:39:52.640 because it's really important especially in that newly married phase where you're literally just

00:39:57.260 getting to know each other um it's really important to be alone together in that time because

00:40:01.760 in my in my personal experience you know from talking to friends who've gone through the same thing

00:40:06.940 the main issue comes with expectations and judgments from the parents-in-laws who have

00:40:11.980 expectations of what they expect from the wife who's just coming to the family and that's where

00:40:16.760 the real issue comes in um you as a newlywed couple have you you're sort of still figuring

00:40:22.420 figuring out your expectations of what you want from your husband and your wife and then there's a

00:40:27.200 third party that comes along and says you know your wife should should be doing this or you should

00:40:31.000 be doing this as a husband or you shouldn't let your wife do this or do that and that was a huge issue

00:40:35.300 because now you're doubting yourself and thinking you know is my wife doing this wrong or you know

00:40:40.000 what's going on and when you have that influence from outside that that's where i've i've seen the

00:40:43.960 most issue i agree i agree guys i'm going to wrap you up inshallah and i think you know what's

00:40:47.680 important as well like we mentioned some key factors is that there is no evidence from the quran and sunnah

00:40:51.760 to stipulate on the wife that she has to live with in-laws let's make that very categorically clear

00:40:55.840 and in the show it's it's it's a i'm going to come to you i'm going to finish this and then come to

00:41:00.000 the bit the the bitter truth of the matter is that and we as men we will call that out we're not here

00:41:03.740 to you know favor it's a haq it's a haq it's as simple as that but i believe both should have mercy

00:41:08.500 and rahmah towards each other that maybe if the the the husband has got a father or a or a mother

00:41:15.700 or vice versa there should be some kind of mercy shouldn't be cutthroat light and this is one of the

00:41:20.000 things that we see and the prophet said may his face be rubbed in dirt may his face be rubbed in dirt and he

00:41:24.880 repeated said may his face be rubbed in dirt for the one whose parents reach old age and they

00:41:28.620 abandon them and then imagine the wife or the husband asking the other one to i don't care i

00:41:33.780 don't want to know i don't think anyone's that merciless i don't think anyone's saying that here

00:41:36.920 we're just saying in general it can be detrimental but we should understand each other have mercy

00:41:41.200 and imagine if that was your family imagine your husband saying to you no your dad i don't care

00:41:46.180 so imagine that as well inshallah we'll finish off with zishan last one yeah sometimes the arab

00:41:51.420 the arab and asian culture seems very synonymous with the religion but it's actually not necessarily

00:41:57.640 religion per se and this could be maybe because asians were the first kind of spread religion

00:42:05.520 here in the uk and they they get a bad rap but the thing is that regardless of whatever culture you're

00:42:11.760 from if you lack religion then that's going to be a problem and whatever culture you are whatever

00:42:17.800 background we need religion for grounding and you know you can be of a certain culture as long as

00:42:24.580 you've got religion there as well to tame that culture then you're going to be fine however you can

00:42:29.500 be of a certain culture but if the religion is less and you don't fear a lot then that's going to be

00:42:33.460 a problem and we do see cases in which and i hope we did get that across but in case we didn't

00:42:38.940 some people are living in oppressive relationships they're literally being oppressed and they are

00:42:44.080 i would even say in some regards you know borderline abusive relationships as well

00:42:49.120 because you know somebody is vulnerable they've gone there and maybe they might not be able to

00:42:54.760 communicate properly and they're being dominated by multiple family members so in that regard like

00:42:59.540 sister fahima said there's help if you are in that you know situation please do reach out and do kind

00:43:06.820 of consult your local imam you can get his number from you know just nowadays you can just google the

00:43:13.040 masjid and then the numbers will come up you can speak to somebody but speak to somebody that can

00:43:17.440 kind of help you and support you not somebody that's just going to tell you oh do this you'll

00:43:21.720 cut this or finish this or do that somebody that's going to give you practical solutions like

00:43:25.800 the imams um send certain clientele to sister as well insha'Allah may Allah bless you guys insha'Allah

00:43:32.020 our honorable sisters and brothers um don't forget our sponsor nature's blends insha'Allah

00:43:36.200 shilajit black seed oil capsule versions insha'Allah brothers and sisters makes the most out of it

00:43:41.000 insha'Allah may Allah bless them because they help this podcast happen takes a lot of effort time

00:43:46.040 even money so may Allah bless them for sponsoring this uh till next time from the bitter truth show

00:43:50.440 assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh

Ali Dawah - May 02, 2023

ARE ASIAN BRIDES FORCED TO LIVE WITH IN-LAWS？ EP 9 ｜｜ BITTER TRUTH SHOW

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