Ali Dawah - BENGALI MARRIAGE, WEDDING & DIVORCE - EP 18 ｜

00:00:00.000 She would always say that, I'll pick someone for you.

00:00:02.460 And if you ever, I guess, find someone for yourself, I won't accept.

00:00:05.600 Especially if it's outside of the culture.

00:00:07.820 My mum will eventually agree.

00:00:10.240 I'm not going to leave someone who's really good, a good Muslim, to agree with my mum.

00:00:16.820 It's like when your mum gives you an ultimate mum or a girl.

00:00:20.960 A girl says to you, your mum or me.

00:00:24.180 What are we? Are we Bengalis? Are we Bengali Muslims?

00:00:26.800 Are we Muslims? Do you see?

00:00:27.840 I make them think critically and then realise, you know what, we're actually following a lot of Hindu culture.

00:00:31.960 So what my mum would say is, I gave birth to you and I raised you, so you have to marry.

00:00:37.100 I choose and if you don't, then I don't accept.

00:00:40.160 The moment of Eid when we're supposed to bow down and touch her feet, we said no actually, I'm not going to do it.

00:00:45.920 She got so offended.

00:00:46.860 She got so angry.

00:00:48.520 Who got offended?

00:00:49.240 My mum.

00:00:50.120 I'm looking to get married basically.

00:00:52.020 So I went and, you know what he said to me?

00:00:53.400 Because, I know, this is only for, I spoke to my mum, can I marry outside my ethnicity as long as they're Muslim.

00:00:59.520 Mum said she'd prefer a Bengali girl purely because she can't speak English.

00:01:03.560 Yeah, speaking about emotional blackmail, speak about pressurising, they will tell you, you get married again, you're going to be disowned.

00:01:09.860 You rejected it because you're too concerned about what others will think.

00:01:13.120 It's good to see Allah or the community.

00:01:15.360 Community.

00:01:15.680 I just don't believe that South Asian men have the ability to treat each wife.

00:01:21.120 It's really, 100%.

00:01:22.600 What we go for is the skin colour.

00:01:25.200 It's nothing to do with racism.

00:01:26.400 Whoever's the lightest, they get them like this.

00:01:28.660 That's racism.

00:01:29.500 That's racism.

00:01:29.800 I know, I know.

00:01:30.620 That's the definition of racism.

00:01:32.240 They think he's actually in the wrong.

00:01:34.480 She wouldn't understand that.

00:01:35.740 She'd be like, just tolerate it.

00:01:38.160 Don't ever come to a point of divorce because what are people going to say?

00:01:41.860 Brothers and sisters, just imagine for a second that you give £10 in donation

00:01:57.540 and that £10 is used to buy food or bricks or whatever to help the people in Gaza.

00:02:02.500 But then just imagine this amazing deed that you want to do, but we turn it into a money-making machine.

00:02:07.920 How?

00:02:08.660 The Waqf is exactly that.

00:02:10.140 They take your money and the money that we are going to put in this Waqf, this building.

00:02:15.020 And every single time, the money generated from that Waqf, that building,

00:02:19.680 is going to go to our Palestinian brothers and sisters for the next 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 100, 150 years.

00:02:27.520 And this will be a form of true Sadaqah Jariah.

00:02:30.620 I myself will be donating for that, inshaAllah.

00:02:33.660 Click the link below and donate.

00:02:35.320 May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala bless and preserve you guys.

00:02:37.100 Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh, brothers and sisters and dear friends.

00:02:40.440 Hope you guys are well, inshaAllah.

00:02:41.200 Welcome to another episode of the Bitter Truth Show.

00:02:43.560 As you guys know, we're doing a cultural episode.

00:02:45.860 We've had the Somalis.

00:02:48.200 May Allah bless them, inshaAllah.

00:02:49.220 We've got to know a lot about the Somali culture, from their weddings, to divorce, to marital disputes.

00:02:55.680 And we're doing the same thing, same format, same questions.

00:02:58.200 And today we have our Bengali brothers and sisters.

00:03:02.600 The only thing I know is a balan.

00:03:04.880 That's what I know.

00:03:05.540 Bala Asi.

00:03:06.800 Yeah, that's it.

00:03:07.400 That's what I know.

00:03:07.760 Bala Asi.

00:03:08.100 What is it?

00:03:09.000 Bala Asi.

00:03:09.760 What does that mean?

00:03:10.480 That means I'm good.

00:03:11.980 Oh, yeah.

00:03:13.320 So if someone says balani to me, I'll say...

00:03:14.840 If someone says balani to me, what do I say?

00:03:17.000 Bala Asi.

00:03:18.100 Bala Asi.

00:03:19.320 Bala Asi.

00:03:20.320 Yeah, that means I'm good.

00:03:21.860 What if I say bala bala?

00:03:23.380 What does that mean?

00:03:24.120 Good, good.

00:03:24.520 Good, good.

00:03:25.280 And that's exactly I am good, inshaAllah.

00:03:26.760 That doesn't make sense.

00:03:28.160 Me, I never make sense anyways.

00:03:29.920 So guys, inshaAllah, before I start, I want to praise Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala,

00:03:32.540 the most merciful, the most just, or praise His glory and gratitude belong to Him.

00:03:35.640 We've done this episode with the team, you know, we decided.

00:03:39.180 And, you know, with the co-producer, which is my wife.

00:03:41.800 She grills me sometimes, but I think I deserve it.

00:03:44.580 But yeah, before we do a culture episode, get to know different cultures.

00:03:47.260 And yeah, if you're watching this, we want you guys to come as well if you're Nigerian, Congolese,

00:03:51.300 Jamaican, English, Turkish, Kurdish, wherever, inshaAllah, please apply.

00:03:56.460 It's not a debate.

00:03:57.420 We're just here to just to get to know your culture in a nutshell.

00:03:59.600 Please tell us a bit about yourselves and then we'll get straight into the topic.

00:04:02.540 I will ask the first question.

00:04:04.040 And let's see what we're going to, inshaAllah, find out about the Bengali.

00:04:07.220 I'm Saeed.

00:04:07.900 I'm just a YouTuber.

00:04:10.160 I react to YouTube videos.

00:04:12.280 That's it, really.

00:04:13.640 Can you guys please speak to your mic loud?

00:04:15.940 And I'm a property, rent out properties.

00:04:18.280 That's it.

00:04:18.580 MashaAllah.

00:04:19.040 May Allah bless you, inshaAllah.

00:04:19.680 My name is Mahdi.

00:04:23.660 I work in finance and I do a few side projects as well.

00:04:29.040 All right, sisters.

00:04:30.720 As-salamu alaykum.

00:04:31.620 I'm Karl Laki.

00:04:32.200 I do YouTube on the side and talk about controversial topics.

00:04:38.600 As-salamu alaykum.

00:04:39.720 I'm Parveena.

00:04:40.760 If you didn't know, I'm her sister.

00:04:42.800 We're blood sisters.

00:04:43.640 We don't look alike.

00:04:44.520 We don't look alike.

00:04:45.540 We're sisters.

00:04:47.000 And yeah, that's it.

00:04:50.640 Do you study?

00:04:51.660 Do you work, sister?

00:04:52.800 So, currently, I'm unemployed, but I'm working on a vision.

00:04:57.760 That's it.

00:04:58.500 Inshallah.

00:05:00.200 As-salamu alaykum.

00:05:01.380 My name is Halima Yasmin.

00:05:02.920 I'm 26 and I'm architectural designer.

00:05:07.480 Inshallah.

00:05:07.980 May Allah bless our honourable sisters for being here and our honourable brothers.

00:05:10.680 We're going to get straight into the topic.

00:05:12.200 The first question you usually ask in these topics as well, inshaAllah, is that

00:05:16.400 I have some experience with a Bengali coach.

00:05:22.500 A little bit.

00:05:23.540 When I was looking to get married, there was a Bengali sister, actually, I was saying to

00:05:26.260 make a marriage.

00:05:27.280 That didn't work out.

00:05:28.080 We'll come to that a bit later on about when it comes to marrying outside, inshaAllah.

00:05:33.520 But the first topic is basically, as Bengalis, when it comes to seeking marriage.

00:05:39.960 So, for example, you want to get married.

00:05:42.020 Yeah.

00:05:42.700 How do you go about it?

00:05:44.220 So, what does the culture say?

00:05:45.540 Does it say that it's arranged marriage?

00:05:47.780 We find someone for you.

00:05:49.360 You can go find somebody.

00:05:51.080 Come and talk to us about it.

00:05:52.600 Please tell me in a nutshell, in your culture, if you want to get married, how do you guys

00:05:58.780 go about it?

00:06:00.700 In a nutshell.

00:06:01.300 Is that clear?

00:06:02.320 Yeah.

00:06:02.840 Yes?

00:06:03.260 Let's start off with the sisters.

00:06:05.000 If you...

00:06:05.900 Yeah.

00:06:06.100 So, I know culturally, like, we obviously, I guess, the groom comes over to the woman's

00:06:16.280 house and asks for her hand in marriage.

00:06:18.740 But, like, specifically speaking, in my house, my mum, she would always say that I'll pick

00:06:24.560 someone for you.

00:06:25.920 And if you ever, I guess, find someone for yourself, I won't accept, especially if it's

00:06:30.300 outside of the culture.

00:06:31.060 Okay, so, would you say that, for example, it's mainly a range marriage?

00:06:39.600 Yeah.

00:06:40.160 Yeah.

00:06:41.340 What I would add to that is, I feel like it's very different in every Bengali household.

00:06:49.000 And we're not the same, and we don't have the same parents.

00:06:53.400 So, it really depends on, like, their mindset and the mother, the family itself.

00:07:01.420 Yeah.

00:07:01.660 So, in a single parent household, we don't have a father as well.

00:07:04.980 So, yeah, we don't really have a mahram for someone to, like, come to.

00:07:09.300 So, it's a bit difficult.

00:07:11.460 So, in that way, yeah.

00:07:12.460 To speak in a subjective way is if we, let's say I found someone from the African culture

00:07:19.320 and I really like him.

00:07:21.380 He's Muslim and he's practicing and everything.

00:07:25.480 This is a bit controversial, but I would, no matter what, I'd still go with that marriage.

00:07:31.080 My mum will eventually agree.

00:07:34.500 Yeah, yeah.

00:07:36.020 I'm not going to leave someone who's really good, a good Muslim, to agree with my mum.

00:07:43.780 Yeah.

00:07:44.080 Because my mum, she, regardless, she wouldn't agree to any of them.

00:07:47.620 Okay, so, what we're going to do is, we're going to come to the marrying outside your culture.

00:07:51.540 Yeah.

00:07:51.640 We're going to come to that.

00:07:52.460 But when it comes to family, we can elaborate on that.

00:07:54.920 No, no, no, no, it is.

00:07:56.020 Just, for example, as a young Bengali person who's looking to get married,

00:08:00.160 does parents say, listen, don't be thinking that you're going to find somebody, et cetera.

00:08:04.500 No, we are going to find someone.

00:08:05.980 So, is it like to you, you're like, okay, you know what?

00:08:07.520 There's no point in me if I saw a brother that I like or whatever.

00:08:10.540 Is it like from the get-go, like, what my mum says?

00:08:13.160 Is that how it works?

00:08:13.840 I just want to know.

00:08:14.920 I'll say something.

00:08:16.020 So, I think generally with like Bengali marriages, there's two approaches.

00:08:19.440 There's the traditional approach and the modern approach.

00:08:22.180 So, the traditional approach is you tell your parents, I want to get married.

00:08:25.900 I'm old enough now, financially secure, et cetera.

00:08:28.460 So, at that point, your parents will most likely speak to their brothers, sisters,

00:08:32.400 friends to find someone who could match what you're looking for.

00:08:36.960 But I'd say more often than not, there's the modern approach where people go and find their spouses themselves.

00:08:43.260 So, through apps, meeting friends or friends.

00:08:45.800 So, there's two different approaches, basically.

00:08:48.220 Traditionally, they say that it's usually the moment you say, oh, I want to get married,

00:08:53.580 your family will tell you that we're going to look for you.

00:08:56.580 Like, do they ask you what you're looking for?

00:08:58.620 Do they come and say to you, like, what's your preference?

00:09:00.020 Or do they say, listen, shut up.

00:09:01.820 We're going to find someone for you.

00:09:02.720 How does it work?

00:09:03.020 I want to know how does it work.

00:09:04.120 It depends on the family.

00:09:05.960 Yeah, yeah.

00:09:06.380 Just every house is not the same.

00:09:07.860 100%.

00:09:08.220 Like, my family, it was, we'll find someone, you know.

00:09:13.720 And, like, UK girls are not good.

00:09:16.660 And my mum thought, like, need someone from back home because either she's going to leave you eventually.

00:09:24.480 It's like, they know the future.

00:09:26.880 Do you understand?

00:09:27.320 So, it has to be someone from back home.

00:09:30.380 And then, when your mum gives you an ultimatum.

00:09:33.220 Yeah.

00:09:33.600 Mum or a girl, a girl says to you, your mum or me.

00:09:38.620 Or, because I'm the oldest in my family.

00:09:40.900 So, my mum wants me to stay with her.

00:09:43.280 So, she's so worried that she's going to be alone.

00:09:45.340 Because my father recently died, about six, seven months ago.

00:09:48.080 My grandmother died.

00:09:49.260 And he knows this.

00:09:50.940 She's mum's bit of...

00:09:51.480 You know what it is, right?

00:09:55.760 I'm not making excuses for Bengali parents.

00:09:57.740 I don't know what they do.

00:09:58.860 But, the way they were brought up, it's so toxic.

00:10:01.560 They're more accepting of marriages.

00:10:03.100 Because, they don't have the benefit of choice like we do.

00:10:05.540 They understand.

00:10:06.340 They had marriages out of love.

00:10:08.540 There's no love for the other person, right?

00:10:10.140 They do it out of necessity to carry, you know, the family name.

00:10:12.520 Yeah.

00:10:13.100 Or, just to unite, et cetera.

00:10:14.700 There's so many...

00:10:15.240 And also, I was going to say, it's like, there's like an entitlement, like there's entitlement involved.

00:10:21.280 So, what my mum would say is, I gave birth to you.

00:10:23.920 Yeah, yeah.

00:10:24.600 So, and I raised you.

00:10:26.360 So, you have to marry.

00:10:27.780 I choose.

00:10:29.020 And if you don't, then I don't accept.

00:10:30.680 There's emotional blackmailing, 100%.

00:10:32.740 Yeah, there's a lot of it.

00:10:33.560 I would say...

00:10:34.960 And then, there's like a lot of victim mentality as well.

00:10:37.420 Yeah.

00:10:37.560 So, they victimize themselves and then you feel guilty.

00:10:40.080 It's case by case though.

00:10:41.160 But you want to also be...

00:10:42.560 Because at the end of the day, when you marry someone, you're going to be living with them,

00:10:45.460 not your mum.

00:10:46.200 Yeah.

00:10:46.680 And you have to see that person every day.

00:10:48.660 And if you're not happy with the choice, you're going to be miserable.

00:10:52.700 And they don't understand that.

00:10:54.000 They just want...

00:10:55.240 It's also like a status thing as well.

00:10:57.320 It's a status thing.

00:10:58.160 It's very much status driven.

00:10:59.260 What are people going to say?

00:11:01.240 But our, you know, the generation has to change that.

00:11:05.100 How do you guys go about changing that?

00:11:08.300 So, you guys are the new generation.

00:11:10.140 How do you guys go about...

00:11:11.000 You know what?

00:11:11.620 We need to put an end to this.

00:11:13.680 But putting an end to this doesn't mean we are disobedient to our parents.

00:11:16.440 Because it is a sin.

00:11:18.160 Do you get it?

00:11:18.640 So, we need to be very, very careful.

00:11:19.940 These are our parents that brought us up.

00:11:22.900 That doesn't mean they can do whatever they like with us.

00:11:25.060 However, it has to be done in a certain conduct.

00:11:27.800 Do you know what I'm trying to say?

00:11:28.720 I understand what you're saying.

00:11:30.380 But you know when you said being...

00:11:32.800 I get what you're saying about being disobedient to your parents is a sin.

00:11:36.940 But if it's disobedience against Allah, then, you know, it's just...

00:11:42.560 Yeah.

00:11:43.160 So, if Islamically, I can marry someone outside of my culture,

00:11:46.320 as long as they are a good Muslim, good character, good conduct,

00:11:52.180 then I don't see why I cannot marry this person just because they're not Bengali.

00:11:55.900 With parents, there's a balance of disobedience and, you know, respect.

00:12:00.260 Basically, she kind of forced you to marry someone you don't want to.

00:12:03.100 Islamically, that's wrong.

00:12:04.160 Yeah.

00:12:04.320 There's no such thing that you can't force someone into marriage, right?

00:12:06.800 So, I think with Bengali parents, you need to sort of put your foot down, right?

00:12:11.540 You need to sort of stick up for yourself.

00:12:13.280 Yeah.

00:12:13.700 And as a man, right, they can't force you to marry who you don't want to.

00:12:17.420 I think I'm learning that as well.

00:12:19.400 Like, I'm learning to be kind of stand my ground, but also, like,

00:12:22.720 with a balance of, like, respect where I'm not crossing that boundary of

00:12:26.080 where now I'm disrespecting my mom.

00:12:28.440 Because it's just learning that balance.

00:12:30.560 And I'm not going to lie, it was a struggle, but I found it eventually.

00:12:34.700 Interesting.

00:12:35.280 So, okay.

00:12:35.780 So, yes, Ima.

00:12:37.020 I was going to say, I agree with what Pratamati said.

00:12:40.320 Case by case, it differs.

00:12:42.380 And I think a lot of the discussion is going to be that culture clashes with our team,

00:12:46.140 basically.

00:12:47.000 And to answer your question, I grew up in a cultural family.

00:12:51.380 But alhamdulillah, as I became practicing, I had to, through wisdom,

00:12:55.600 to, you know, educate my parents.

00:12:58.000 It wasn't wisdom at first.

00:12:58.940 As you know, when you get a bit zealous in the beginning, a bit hardcore.

00:13:02.560 Then you realize that they've been conditioned in the way they grew up.

00:13:06.660 And it's about understanding from their perspective.

00:13:08.220 But at the same time, educating them and making them understand.

00:13:12.720 Look, Islam says this is wrong.

00:13:13.920 And also, explain to them, look, if this marriage goes ahead and you're forcing me,

00:13:18.960 if it doesn't work out, whose fault is it?

00:13:20.620 Do you understand?

00:13:21.580 And also, a lot of things the Bengalis do is they have to marry an order of siblings.

00:13:27.120 And again, that's changing now, alhamdulillah.

00:13:29.140 But, so, if the eldest isn't married yet, then the young person,

00:13:33.640 who probably have found a good prospect, that person has to wait.

00:13:37.200 It has to be in order.

00:13:39.100 Alhamdulillah, recently, one of my cousins broke that tradition.

00:13:41.600 So, I think, basically, the deen saves us all, ultimately.

00:13:46.740 When you bring the deen and you educate people.

00:13:48.980 And for me, time and time again, I used to ask my parents,

00:13:51.820 what are we?

00:13:52.440 Are we Bengalis?

00:13:53.980 Are we Bengali Muslims?

00:13:55.060 Are we Muslims?

00:13:55.680 Do you see?

00:13:56.140 I make them think critically.

00:13:57.560 And then they realize, you know what?

00:13:58.380 We're actually following a lot of Hindu culture.

00:13:59.900 Yeah.

00:14:00.100 Not just Hindu culture.

00:14:01.800 Things like touching the feet on the readies.

00:14:05.180 Basically, you know how, in the culture, you go down.

00:14:10.760 Sorry.

00:14:11.440 We used to go up to aunties, uncles, all the elders.

00:14:14.440 We used to bow down.

00:14:15.520 And touch their feet.

00:14:16.040 Say salam three times.

00:14:17.680 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:14:18.580 On their feet.

00:14:20.100 Yeah, yeah.

00:14:20.920 No, no, no, no, no.

00:14:21.520 It's not true.

00:14:22.620 Basically, you go down.

00:14:24.400 You go down on your knees, yeah.

00:14:27.420 And you have your hands like this.

00:14:28.580 And you touch their feet.

00:14:28.860 Touch their feet.

00:14:29.520 Salam three times.

00:14:30.560 And only in the last 10 years, I'd say, Bengali society's question,

00:14:34.060 I'd say, what are we doing?

00:14:35.320 Yeah.

00:14:35.600 That's the truth.

00:14:36.860 It's a Hindu thing, yeah.

00:14:38.100 But just wanted to say a real thing, just on your point,

00:14:40.740 with getting married in order.

00:14:42.640 There is a reason for that.

00:14:43.620 I'm not saying I agree with it.

00:14:44.760 But women in Bengali culture, they have an expiration date.

00:14:48.140 They do.

00:14:48.480 That's what Bengali people teach.

00:14:50.920 Like, you know, when you get to 30, oh, but your kids,

00:14:53.080 you know, you need to have kids before 25, before 30.

00:14:56.020 That's when they try and marry them off, like, at a younger age.

00:14:58.700 There's, like, an order for them.

00:14:59.800 I'm not saying I agree at all.

00:15:00.940 I'm just saying that's what the...

00:15:02.380 Sorry, guys.

00:15:03.200 You can speak.

00:15:03.720 Just whisper.

00:15:04.600 Because it'll pick up.

00:15:05.220 Forgive me.

00:15:05.480 You can speak.

00:15:06.040 She wanted to add something to, you know,

00:15:07.700 the bowing of the feet thing.

00:15:09.820 Yes.

00:15:10.380 You know, interestingly, I think me and my sisters did that.

00:15:16.260 The moment of Eid, when we're supposed to bow down

00:15:19.320 and, like, touch her feet, we said, no, actually,

00:15:21.680 I'm not going to do it.

00:15:22.200 She got so offended.

00:15:23.140 She got so angry.

00:15:25.280 Who got offended?

00:15:26.160 My mom.

00:15:27.080 So we said no.

00:15:27.920 But you didn't do it to her?

00:15:28.820 Yeah, yeah.

00:15:29.480 We didn't do it, so we kind of broke out of it.

00:15:32.100 And her reaction, her reaction, kind of, obviously,

00:15:34.500 it makes sense, but she felt violated.

00:15:36.860 She felt like we were disrespecting her

00:15:38.560 by not touching her feet.

00:15:42.100 So, so, Islam...

00:15:43.200 Yeah, but it's like, you know, you're like that.

00:15:44.620 You know, you know what it is with, with, with that, though?

00:15:50.640 Like, we couldn't explain that to her, like, oh, like,

00:15:53.820 we don't want to do it.

00:15:54.780 Like, we didn't know that she was...

00:15:55.740 Did you explain Islamically that it's incorrect?

00:15:57.920 So what brother said...

00:15:58.940 Oh, okay.

00:15:59.480 I did say that to my mom.

00:16:02.440 I said, like, the Islamic perspective.

00:16:03.760 Yeah, yeah.

00:16:04.180 Why we shouldn't...

00:16:04.580 But that's what it is.

00:16:05.380 We need to start...

00:16:06.120 You know, our parents, because they're all-fashioned,

00:16:07.600 cultured, from Bangladesh,

00:16:08.680 we need to, like, engage them in an educational perspective.

00:16:11.900 Tell them why it's wrong.

00:16:12.840 Tell them why it's right.

00:16:13.560 I completely agree with you.

00:16:14.860 But, again, it's case by case.

00:16:16.160 But for me, I can tell my parents,

00:16:17.360 Alhamdulillah, I can tell them, like,

00:16:18.700 mom, this is wrong.

00:16:19.740 Like, you can't say this, or you can't do this.

00:16:21.600 She'll be like, okay, you know what?

00:16:22.760 Like, I'll show her verse of the Quran, her deeds,

00:16:25.320 reliable deeds.

00:16:26.360 She'll understand.

00:16:26.940 Well, I would say that it's kind of...

00:16:28.520 One thing, yeah.

00:16:29.260 Like, this probably crosses over different cultures.

00:16:33.660 But I'm talking about this mindset.

00:16:35.960 And I've seen it a lot,

00:16:36.940 where Bengalis have this mindset.

00:16:38.840 Let's say there's, you know,

00:16:41.360 a sister needs to get married, right?

00:16:43.140 She may not be ready for marriage,

00:16:44.960 like, mentally, emotionally,

00:16:46.700 all that kind of stuff.

00:16:48.460 And a lot of parents have this mindset,

00:16:50.600 marriage will fix her.

00:16:51.800 So they basically throw in the deep end.

00:16:53.680 And it's usually, like, sink or swim.

00:16:54.960 And that, again, comes from the other generation.

00:16:56.940 They had to sink or swim.

00:16:58.440 Some of them made it, alhamdulillah.

00:16:59.860 They basically empowered themselves.

00:17:01.540 They was a good daughter-in-law.

00:17:03.660 But what happens when they don't swim?

00:17:06.000 They sink.

00:17:06.640 The guy basically realizes,

00:17:08.020 I married someone who's basically had trauma,

00:17:10.920 hasn't healed,

00:17:12.240 doesn't know the kind of gender roles.

00:17:14.700 And then he ends up in divorce.

00:17:15.900 But this mindset needs to stop where marriage will fix her.

00:17:19.300 And, for example, my situation,

00:17:24.720 but the person I married was the first proposal.

00:17:28.600 So I understand sometimes,

00:17:30.040 okay, it's a good proposal,

00:17:30.900 you want to get to go ahead,

00:17:31.640 but then they don't think long-term that this person,

00:17:35.160 you can't just accept the first proposal.

00:17:36.800 So she didn't know she's going to get married

00:17:39.900 or no discussion took place.

00:17:41.680 And that is another issue

00:17:42.720 where there's no communication with some parents and children.

00:17:45.400 But you sit them down

00:17:46.260 and the whole thing about what you're looking for,

00:17:48.540 are you ready to get married?

00:17:50.140 It's almost like, you're ready to get married.

00:17:51.520 They assume.

00:17:52.940 But I think it's that mindset that needs to change

00:17:54.360 where, you know,

00:17:56.140 they're not ready for marriage,

00:17:57.440 but yeah, marriage will fix them kind of thing.

00:17:58.900 It's a very silly mindset.

00:17:59.740 It's interesting.

00:18:00.220 It's like they are thinking for you.

00:18:01.420 To break the cycle.

00:18:03.080 That's why we're here.

00:18:04.320 We're the children of these people.

00:18:06.020 Yeah.

00:18:06.320 They came to this.

00:18:07.220 So when I say,

00:18:08.020 when you're talking about specifically breaking the cycle,

00:18:10.860 we're talking specifically like,

00:18:12.820 you know,

00:18:13.440 each,

00:18:13.800 like before two people come together in marriage,

00:18:16.540 because we complete one another.

00:18:18.080 We don't,

00:18:18.700 like,

00:18:18.960 you're not my entire happiness

00:18:20.500 because then if you're relying,

00:18:23.180 relying on that one person for your entire happiness,

00:18:26.080 it's going to become very toxic.

00:18:27.960 Like we rely,

00:18:29.380 you know,

00:18:29.740 we're,

00:18:30.100 you know,

00:18:30.920 we're only supposed to rely on Allah.

00:18:32.940 Nothing should come above Allah,

00:18:34.300 but like,

00:18:35.120 you know.

00:18:35.700 But you know,

00:18:36.160 with my brother,

00:18:36.920 my oldest brother,

00:18:37.760 he broke the cycle in our family.

00:18:39.740 Yeah.

00:18:39.860 And Alhamdulillah,

00:18:40.760 I have it so good.

00:18:42.120 If I like someone out of my culture,

00:18:47.680 I can,

00:18:48.180 I can get married to them easily

00:18:49.660 because of my big brother.

00:18:51.460 Because he married someone that he,

00:18:53.200 he was fond of in university.

00:18:55.020 And Alhamdulillah,

00:18:56.080 he had to break that.

00:18:57.200 But I remember how,

00:18:59.920 you know,

00:19:00.400 during it,

00:19:00.920 many names,

00:19:01.780 but it was a toxic environment

00:19:02.920 and it was very hard for you.

00:19:04.700 Yeah.

00:19:05.260 Yeah,

00:19:05.460 yeah,

00:19:05.560 yeah.

00:19:05.980 So let's,

00:19:06.300 let's dive into that topic then.

00:19:09.080 Since we're talking about getting married,

00:19:10.220 let's dive into the topic of interracial marriages.

00:19:12.680 So,

00:19:13.780 like,

00:19:14.960 as far as I know,

00:19:15.780 from my experience,

00:19:17.040 because like when I was getting,

00:19:19.420 like trying to get married,

00:19:20.960 I can remember specifically,

00:19:22.380 it's actually,

00:19:23.400 my marriage documentary,

00:19:24.180 I took about my journey.

00:19:25.100 Yeah.

00:19:25.620 And I mentioned this stuff.

00:19:26.700 I just mentioned everything that I went through,

00:19:27.880 literally what I went through.

00:19:28.680 I just mentioned,

00:19:29.200 how I felt.

00:19:30.580 I can remember,

00:19:31.300 I went to East London Mosque

00:19:33.780 and I just,

00:19:34.140 I'm not trying to blast East London Mosque.

00:19:35.200 They do amazing.

00:19:35.740 Alhamdulillah.

00:19:36.080 I love them.

00:19:36.680 It's,

00:19:37.000 you know,

00:19:37.540 like the work they're doing for the community,

00:19:39.200 the masjid.

00:19:40.360 Amazing.

00:19:41.200 Someone told me,

00:19:42.100 there's a marriage,

00:19:43.980 on the,

00:19:44.440 you know,

00:19:44.720 we need to go up,

00:19:45.680 yeah,

00:19:45.860 section upstairs.

00:19:46.800 So I went,

00:19:47.280 I was a new Muslim.

00:19:47.980 I think it was 2013 or 2014.

00:19:51.080 So I went upstairs

00:19:51.860 and I went into this room

00:19:53.120 and then the brother was like,

00:19:54.520 yeah,

00:19:54.620 assalamualaikum,

00:19:55.060 he thought I was in the wrong place.

00:19:56.960 And I was,

00:19:57.200 I'm looking to get married basically.

00:19:58.400 And I just wanted to,

00:19:59.660 I think they had a list of people

00:20:01.640 or something like that.

00:20:02.840 So I went and,

00:20:03.420 you know what he said to me?

00:20:05.480 Because,

00:20:05.880 oh no,

00:20:06.080 this is only for Mongolis.

00:20:08.220 Yeah,

00:20:08.580 yeah,

00:20:08.740 well,

00:20:09.000 I'm not joking,

00:20:10.140 I went,

00:20:11.120 I was sat there,

00:20:11.600 he was looking at me.

00:20:12.080 That's so crazy.

00:20:12.720 Yeah,

00:20:12.960 yeah,

00:20:13.180 he was,

00:20:14.820 he seemed like a,

00:20:15.680 he didn't seem like he was a brother

00:20:16.640 who was like born here,

00:20:18.440 but he literally outright said to me,

00:20:20.060 oh,

00:20:20.240 we have here in Mongolis,

00:20:21.220 we want to marry Mongolis.

00:20:22.740 And in my head,

00:20:23.900 I was thinking,

00:20:24.580 I was like,

00:20:25.340 I don't know,

00:20:25.620 I didn't know what to make out of it,

00:20:26.940 but putting that aside,

00:20:28.780 this is,

00:20:29.000 this is,

00:20:29.160 this is what really happened.

00:20:30.400 And to me,

00:20:30.700 I don't really,

00:20:31.160 I'm not really,

00:20:32.080 I don't know all the hostilities.

00:20:33.300 I'm like,

00:20:33.680 okay,

00:20:33.900 look,

00:20:34.120 it's like that.

00:20:34.840 But I can remember like in certain instances,

00:20:36.800 I think it was one or two occasions,

00:20:37.940 I was getting to know a Bengali sister for marriage.

00:20:40.220 One of them,

00:20:40.800 it was very pleasant,

00:20:41.680 like straight away,

00:20:43.200 said,

00:20:43.340 you can speak to my dad.

00:20:44.700 You know,

00:20:44.860 it didn't work out,

00:20:45.860 but one of them,

00:20:46.660 there was,

00:20:46.920 there was this issue where like,

00:20:48.600 and it's like,

00:20:49.360 oh my gosh,

00:20:49.740 you're going to marry outside.

00:20:50.980 He's not one of us.

00:20:52.080 They were so immersed in what the community would think.

00:20:56.020 Yeah.

00:20:56.480 Are people going to say?

00:20:57.680 Now this me,

00:20:58.520 myself,

00:20:58.880 like I look a little bit Asian,

00:21:00.180 yeah?

00:21:00.540 Okay.

00:21:00.720 I think so.

00:21:01.160 I look a little bit Pakistani because of my nose,

00:21:02.760 yeah?

00:21:03.300 Probably.

00:21:03.980 So the,

00:21:04.360 the,

00:21:04.520 the issue here is by the,

00:21:05.800 and that's,

00:21:06.060 there's nothing wrong with the nose in my,

00:21:07.380 I can't do it.

00:21:07.840 Yeah.

00:21:08.340 Yes.

00:21:09.020 Anyway,

00:21:09.460 so the point is this year is that I realized with the Pakistanis,

00:21:13.580 it wasn't that bad.

00:21:14.220 When I was getting to know Pakistanis for marriage,

00:21:15.780 it wasn't that bad.

00:21:16.620 I was invited to the house.

00:21:18.280 I was,

00:21:18.700 I spoke,

00:21:19.140 I spoke like the father would be in another room,

00:21:21.160 you know,

00:21:21.520 we'll be like,

00:21:22.040 it was,

00:21:22.360 but I found in the Bengalis that there's extreme level of like,

00:21:27.220 bro deep.

00:21:28.020 And like,

00:21:28.400 that's my experience.

00:21:28.880 So how do you guys deal with this when it comes to interracial marriages?

00:21:30.780 That's interesting.

00:21:31.100 I was going to say,

00:21:31.700 you know,

00:21:31.880 I feel like the younger generation are like,

00:21:34.360 I see a lot,

00:21:35.820 a lot more interracial like marriages,

00:21:38.040 like with Bengalis and other like races,

00:21:40.280 but within the younger generation,

00:21:41.900 I see a lot,

00:21:43.060 especially on social media,

00:21:44.100 you see it.

00:21:44.760 I think,

00:21:45.140 you know what it is with.

00:21:45.760 Very normal.

00:21:46.400 So like,

00:21:47.020 it's interesting that he said that.

00:21:48.300 Let me just say something before I forget this.

00:21:49.680 Yeah,

00:21:49.880 go ahead.

00:21:50.080 Can you be a bit more closer?

00:21:51.260 Yeah.

00:21:51.820 It's,

00:21:52.080 it's,

00:21:52.440 you know,

00:21:52.900 when he said the,

00:21:53.480 Pakistanis,

00:21:54.620 the house,

00:21:55.300 it went,

00:21:55.720 when,

00:21:56.180 and it was,

00:21:58.880 families as well,

00:21:59.440 we'll accept you.

00:22:00.260 Of course,

00:22:00.660 do you understand?

00:22:01.300 It's just,

00:22:02.240 it's just that family.

00:22:03.300 What it is in our culture,

00:22:04.900 what they say is,

00:22:06.240 like just the other day,

00:22:07.020 my auntie goes,

00:22:07.660 I said,

00:22:07.920 look,

00:22:08.140 I'm going to look outside the culture as well,

00:22:10.860 outside of Bengali.

00:22:11.780 She goes,

00:22:12.100 no,

00:22:12.300 no,

00:22:12.460 no,

00:22:12.660 don't.

00:22:13.180 I heard a lot of cases,

00:22:15.500 Bengali people marrying outside our culture and it breaking up.

00:22:19.740 I said,

00:22:19.940 auntie,

00:22:20.700 I'm married into my culture.

00:22:22.120 Look what happened.

00:22:23.980 And she's saying,

00:22:25.380 oh,

00:22:25.540 I know this person got married through this Moroccan sister.

00:22:28.900 And they're divorced now.

00:22:30.720 So it will happen to me as well.

00:22:32.960 Do you understand?

00:22:33.940 We all have different paths.

00:22:35.140 But you know what it is?

00:22:36.260 It's somewhat true though.

00:22:37.420 It's somewhat true.

00:22:38.360 Like when,

00:22:38.860 no,

00:22:39.060 no,

00:22:39.180 in a sense where when you,

00:22:40.540 when you have two cultures.

00:22:42.400 Oh,

00:22:42.760 sorry.

00:22:42.980 Do you want to,

00:22:43.220 do you want to finish what you're saying first?

00:22:44.640 You go ahead.

00:22:45.340 Go ahead.

00:22:46.180 I'll let you finish first.

00:22:47.220 I don't want to use mine up yet.

00:22:48.560 Yeah.

00:22:49.460 Yeah.

00:22:50.160 Do you want to finish what you're saying?

00:22:50.880 No,

00:22:51.060 go ahead.

00:22:51.420 You do.

00:22:51.680 Okay.

00:22:52.200 I was going to say,

00:22:52.980 when you have two cultures merging,

00:22:54.760 it's really difficult to like maintain one,

00:22:56.940 you know,

00:22:57.160 both at the same level.

00:22:58.380 So I think parents often think,

00:23:00.260 oh,

00:23:00.420 like,

00:23:00.920 you know,

00:23:01.240 remember I told you earlier,

00:23:02.120 I was like,

00:23:02.520 I spoke to my mom,

00:23:03.260 can I marry outside my ethnicity?

00:23:05.240 As long as they're Muslim.

00:23:06.380 Mom said she'd prefer a Bengali girl purely because she can't speak English.

00:23:10.520 And it's easier to like relate to someone,

00:23:13.180 connect with them.

00:23:14.180 Do you know what I mean?

00:23:14.780 I don't think it comes from a racist point as much as it did before.

00:23:19.440 Yeah.

00:23:19.660 But there is,

00:23:20.480 as you said before,

00:23:21.260 there is coming.

00:23:21.700 If I can also say like,

00:23:22.520 sometimes there's two extremes.

00:23:25.240 So some people have the mindset,

00:23:26.880 they want to marry outside of a Bengali girl just to prove a point.

00:23:29.540 That's also wrong.

00:23:30.780 And I agree with what the Matthew said.

00:23:32.040 Basically,

00:23:32.520 like even scholars say,

00:23:34.180 if you can marry within your,

00:23:35.560 your tribe,

00:23:36.760 it's compatibility.

00:23:38.000 That's preference.

00:23:39.160 But to prove a point,

00:23:39.920 and I get it,

00:23:40.260 it's all nice,

00:23:40.860 you know,

00:23:41.060 interracial marriages,

00:23:42.200 but you've got to think about everything,

00:23:43.820 not just to prove a point.

00:23:45.420 And alhamdulillah,

00:23:45.840 I say within my family,

00:23:46.560 I've got,

00:23:46.840 you know,

00:23:47.100 people who aren't married,

00:23:47.900 Pakistanis,

00:23:48.700 reverts,

00:23:49.240 but like,

00:23:51.980 it will change slowly.

00:23:53.260 But at the same time,

00:23:54.380 it's nothing wrong with marrying from your own kind of culture.

00:23:56.660 Of course.

00:23:57.140 Like to me,

00:23:57.740 the preference.

00:23:58.480 Marrying is about two families,

00:23:59.640 don't forget.

00:24:00.320 Yeah,

00:24:00.480 that's true.

00:24:00.900 You're marrying into the two families.

00:24:02.440 The thing is,

00:24:02.900 preference is okay.

00:24:03.740 Yeah.

00:24:04.000 Like someone can say,

00:24:05.020 I prefer.

00:24:05.800 Yeah.

00:24:06.100 The issue here is though,

00:24:06.960 I didn't sense preference.

00:24:08.720 It was more like,

00:24:10.080 like this is from the deen.

00:24:11.160 Like,

00:24:11.580 no,

00:24:11.940 you cannot.

00:24:12.480 It's like,

00:24:12.720 it's haram.

00:24:13.280 Yeah.

00:24:13.600 And that is where the problem arises.

00:24:15.080 And this happened,

00:24:15.640 it wasn't just the Bengalis.

00:24:16.820 They have to be with the Somalis.

00:24:17.840 It has to be with the Eritrean.

00:24:19.640 So the thing is here is that it's,

00:24:21.580 it's a form of,

00:24:22.680 I don't know if you say racism,

00:24:23.880 but this is what's wrong.

00:24:25.040 Somebody can say,

00:24:25.680 I prefer that my daughter marries or my son marries.

00:24:29.400 Can't.

00:24:29.880 Preference is fine.

00:24:30.840 But the moment you start blackmailing,

00:24:32.380 the moment you start saying,

00:24:33.460 what's people going to say,

00:24:34.320 et cetera,

00:24:34.780 what was Allah,

00:24:35.380 have you ever thought,

00:24:36.760 what's Allah going to say?

00:24:37.820 Like,

00:24:38.160 I see with a lot of these issues,

00:24:39.280 people are more concerned about what people will say,

00:24:42.400 rather than what Allah would say.

00:24:43.740 And this means people,

00:24:44.800 people commit zina,

00:24:45.940 bro.

00:24:46.260 There's no excuse for it.

00:24:47.380 By the way,

00:24:47.940 there's no excuse.

00:24:48.660 Nobody can make an excuse that,

00:24:49.780 oh,

00:24:49.900 my parents,

00:24:50.300 there's zero excuses.

00:24:51.540 Because I've been in situations where it's gone peak.

00:24:54.240 As a young man living in this country,

00:24:55.720 bro,

00:24:56.080 but zina is never an option.

00:24:57.400 Do you know what I'm trying to say?

00:24:58.140 So people shouldn't make an excuse and be like,

00:24:59.380 oh yeah,

00:24:59.580 I went to my parents and they said no.

00:25:01.060 So I'm going to go.

00:25:02.080 No,

00:25:02.240 no,

00:25:02.320 no,

00:25:02.420 no.

00:25:02.620 There is no excuse.

00:25:03.700 But we need to understand that at the end of the day,

00:25:05.700 that preference is fine.

00:25:07.520 But go outright racism,

00:25:09.260 or outright,

00:25:09.820 they're going to think,

00:25:10.620 have you ever thought,

00:25:11.460 what are you going to question Allah

00:25:12.560 for stopping your daughter

00:25:14.300 to marry a black brother,

00:25:16.160 a white brother,

00:25:16.800 whatever brother it may be,

00:25:17.940 as long as he's practicing,

00:25:19.320 what are you going to say to Allah

00:25:20.420 on their judgment

00:25:21.000 when if she ends up fooling?

00:25:23.260 And all because of what?

00:25:24.940 What's my culture going to think?

00:25:26.780 And I have heard of a story,

00:25:28.380 I don't know exactly where it was from,

00:25:30.520 but there was a black brother

00:25:31.700 who proposed to him.

00:25:32.700 I don't know if it was Bengali

00:25:33.580 or Pakistani,

00:25:34.120 Asian,

00:25:34.560 I don't know.

00:25:35.340 And they rejected it.

00:25:36.400 They rejected him

00:25:37.100 because he is black.

00:25:38.860 And this is a story

00:25:40.520 that's been told to me.

00:25:41.540 Is that she ended up fooling.

00:25:43.700 It didn't happen with him.

00:25:45.160 She ended up committing sin

00:25:46.320 with a non-Muslim man

00:25:47.280 and became pregnant.

00:25:48.820 And to me,

00:25:49.320 it's like,

00:25:49.660 you know what?

00:25:50.380 I'm so sorry.

00:25:51.260 You deserve that.

00:25:52.140 It might sound harsh.

00:25:53.320 You have rejected

00:25:54.300 what Allah has stipulated.

00:25:55.520 Like the Prophet Muhammad

00:25:56.160 said,

00:25:56.940 if a righteous man comes

00:25:57.860 to ask for your daughter's hand,

00:25:58.840 and if you reject it,

00:25:59.720 there will be fitna in the land.

00:26:01.020 So the problem is what?

00:26:02.020 You rejected it

00:26:02.820 because you're too concerned

00:26:04.060 about what others will think.

00:26:05.320 It's good to say

00:26:05.900 Allah or the community?

00:26:07.620 Community.

00:26:08.420 I'm not...

00:26:09.980 Do you know what I'm trying to say?

00:26:11.640 One thing I would say,

00:26:12.480 I think everyone will hate

00:26:13.140 this word for passion,

00:26:14.400 is this term called

00:26:15.200 manchikita khuybo.

00:26:16.300 Yeah,

00:26:16.560 manchikita khuybo.

00:26:17.460 That's what Allah is going to say.

00:26:19.960 Same thing.

00:26:20.400 Basically,

00:26:20.980 it means,

00:26:21.520 what would the people say?

00:26:22.220 How do you change that

00:26:23.160 to what would Allah say?

00:26:25.300 Allah kita khuybo.

00:26:26.240 That's the one

00:26:26.680 we need to do now.

00:26:28.440 What's it,

00:26:28.980 Allah?

00:26:29.060 Do you say Allah?

00:26:30.020 Allah kita khuybo.

00:26:31.480 I need to say that.

00:26:32.400 Allah kita?

00:26:33.380 Kita.

00:26:34.060 Allah kita khuybo.

00:26:34.900 Allah kita khuybo.

00:26:36.160 Yeah.

00:26:36.620 Ali Dao said it.

00:26:38.040 Can I add to what you just said?

00:26:39.400 You don't have a long beard,

00:26:40.560 you don't have a robe,

00:26:41.400 you're not a scholar.

00:26:43.960 Brother,

00:26:44.440 I just wanted to add

00:26:45.700 to what you were saying.

00:26:47.640 What were you talking about?

00:26:49.400 Interracial marriages,

00:26:50.480 racism,

00:26:51.400 what people would say.

00:26:52.560 You know,

00:26:52.940 I was going to say,

00:26:53.720 you know,

00:26:53.900 that's largely to do

00:26:54.780 with the fact that

00:26:55.560 like our parents grew up

00:26:57.900 in a very,

00:26:58.340 obviously,

00:26:58.840 cultural,

00:26:59.540 like,

00:27:00.380 background,

00:27:01.100 but I feel like

00:27:01.880 they don't know

00:27:02.960 who God is.

00:27:03.820 They don't know

00:27:04.140 who Allah is.

00:27:05.140 Because,

00:27:05.440 for example,

00:27:05.980 my mom,

00:27:06.500 like,

00:27:06.700 she reads the Quran,

00:27:07.900 but she doesn't know

00:27:08.880 anything.

00:27:10.940 She doesn't know

00:27:11.620 the English,

00:27:12.220 she doesn't know

00:27:13.180 the translation

00:27:13.780 of what Allah is basically

00:27:15.620 trying to tell us

00:27:16.480 in the Quran.

00:27:16.880 so it's going to be

00:27:19.140 really hard for them

00:27:19.780 to like break out

00:27:21.460 that mindset

00:27:22.080 if they don't know

00:27:22.740 who Allah is

00:27:23.500 and they won't be

00:27:25.220 conscious of Allah

00:27:26.060 when they're making

00:27:26.600 these decisions

00:27:27.240 or when they're stopping

00:27:28.480 their kids

00:27:29.080 from making these decisions.

00:27:30.820 But you can break that.

00:27:32.620 You need to like...

00:27:34.000 100%,

00:27:34.600 but you know,

00:27:35.040 I feel like...

00:27:35.380 You need to educate her.

00:27:36.220 100%,

00:27:36.700 but you know,

00:27:37.100 with my mom,

00:27:38.380 it's a little bit different

00:27:39.200 because she's like...

00:27:40.880 Some people

00:27:41.960 will want to be educated.

00:27:43.440 That's the problem.

00:27:44.100 There's a lot of stubborn...

00:27:45.720 It's hard though.

00:27:46.700 I get what you're saying.

00:27:47.640 You know,

00:27:47.840 I've heard of...

00:27:48.940 I get what you're saying

00:27:50.300 but I do it with my mom.

00:27:52.020 I was going to say

00:27:52.480 with my mom,

00:27:53.060 it turns into

00:27:53.520 like a massive argument.

00:27:55.580 Mahdi has one and a half minute

00:27:56.800 to speak

00:27:57.200 without being interrupted, yeah?

00:27:58.300 Okay.

00:27:58.900 A whole minute and a half

00:27:59.980 starting now.

00:28:01.320 Now,

00:28:01.520 I was just going to say

00:28:02.240 with like,

00:28:02.920 with Bengali parents as well,

00:28:04.260 it can be really difficult

00:28:05.460 to educate them.

00:28:06.520 Imagine you're telling your dad,

00:28:07.540 a 56-year-old man,

00:28:08.960 now dad,

00:28:09.320 what you're doing is wrong.

00:28:10.520 He's going to think,

00:28:11.100 well,

00:28:11.220 you to tell me

00:28:11.880 what I'm doing,

00:28:12.700 I'll be doing it my whole life.

00:28:13.780 You're 20,

00:28:14.140 what you're talking about.

00:28:15.160 Do you know what I mean?

00:28:15.760 It's so hard to educate your parents.

00:28:17.520 Again,

00:28:17.900 case-by-case basis.

00:28:19.380 Alhamdulillah,

00:28:19.680 my parents are easy to talk to

00:28:20.900 but I know a lot

00:28:21.540 where the parents aren't, right?

00:28:22.840 So it's just,

00:28:23.320 it's really tricky

00:28:24.020 to get through to them.

00:28:25.100 Even if you show them evidence,

00:28:27.220 you know,

00:28:27.580 material from the Quran,

00:28:28.540 from the Hadiths,

00:28:29.300 it's very, very tricky.

00:28:31.100 They're so like stubborn in their head,

00:28:32.520 they don't want to like

00:28:33.200 understand that they're in the wrong.

00:28:34.740 But you're right,

00:28:35.540 once you've broken that,

00:28:37.000 then they'll start realizing,

00:28:38.140 oh,

00:28:38.260 maybe I've been doing it wrong.

00:28:40.200 Maybe I've not been,

00:28:41.140 you know,

00:28:42.560 faithful to the Quran,

00:28:43.440 for example,

00:28:44.080 or religion.

00:28:45.160 But it takes a lot of effort

00:28:46.560 to do that.

00:28:47.320 I've seen so many situations

00:28:48.580 where Bengali children

00:28:49.860 are kicked out of their houses,

00:28:51.580 where they've been threatened

00:28:52.360 physically and mentally.

00:28:53.860 Do you know what I mean?

00:28:54.640 So it's very,

00:28:55.500 you sort of have to balance it.

00:28:56.660 You don't know where you are

00:28:57.500 in terms of talking to parents.

00:28:58.560 I understand what you're saying.

00:28:59.940 I'm done going on it.

00:29:01.520 So I'm going to ask you a question.

00:29:03.340 Are you Muslim?

00:29:04.480 Yeah.

00:29:04.960 Yeah.

00:29:05.300 So you have to,

00:29:06.460 you have to educate your parents,

00:29:08.360 no matter if they don't want to hear it.

00:29:10.780 You have to be consistent with it.

00:29:12.640 So inshallah,

00:29:13.600 one day Allah,

00:29:15.240 Allah will open their heart

00:29:16.580 and they'll realize.

00:29:18.100 You have to be consistent.

00:29:20.000 At the point of,

00:29:21.320 what if there's physical abuse involved?

00:29:23.500 You're still supposed to tell them

00:29:24.640 after you get a physical abuse.

00:29:26.060 I agree with what you're saying,

00:29:27.080 100%.

00:29:27.660 Yeah.

00:29:28.560 The physical abuse.

00:29:29.800 What I would say is

00:29:31.280 at the end of the day,

00:29:33.000 mental health is a very important thing.

00:29:34.740 Yeah.

00:29:35.160 And we've got young kids in the house

00:29:37.260 and it's difficult for them

00:29:40.540 to watch you and the mom arguing.

00:29:43.560 That's going to be traumatic for them.

00:29:45.360 Yes.

00:29:45.620 But you don't know that.

00:29:49.560 You don't know it can heat up

00:29:50.860 with a parent of physical violence.

00:29:53.080 Then I would stop speaking.

00:29:55.840 I would be quite mindful of a child

00:29:57.440 of being in the room

00:29:58.240 of trying to educate my mom

00:29:59.640 that doesn't know anything.

00:30:00.400 You can be mindful,

00:30:01.360 but what if like...

00:30:02.040 Maybe it's not a child.

00:30:03.540 Maybe it's just your siblings.

00:30:05.340 The worst people to give dawah

00:30:06.560 is to your parents.

00:30:07.420 You're not going to try?

00:30:08.100 You might be the hardest.

00:30:08.680 The hardest people.

00:30:09.880 Not the worst, sorry.

00:30:10.440 It is.

00:30:11.040 It's the hardest.

00:30:11.800 It is.

00:30:12.340 It is hard,

00:30:12.880 but I think...

00:30:14.060 Is this life you're not going to try?

00:30:15.880 Yeah, it's Helene.

00:30:16.720 You know, I hear you.

00:30:18.540 You know what it is?

00:30:19.200 It is a fine line

00:30:20.180 because we don't want it to turn into

00:30:21.740 where we have kids watching this

00:30:24.140 and be like,

00:30:24.480 yeah, I can say this.

00:30:25.520 You cannot.

00:30:25.940 There has to be obedience

00:30:26.940 to your mom and father,

00:30:28.420 but obviously not at the cost

00:30:29.860 of them telling you to do something

00:30:30.820 against your religion.

00:30:31.780 I think you need to deal with it

00:30:32.780 in a certain way.

00:30:33.240 You need to understand

00:30:33.740 I come from a family

00:30:34.600 and my dad is hostile.

00:30:36.480 I talk about this

00:30:37.120 and I don't believe my dad is malicious.

00:30:38.840 I don't believe my dad hates me.

00:30:40.180 My dad just wants the best for me

00:30:41.760 and he fears that this religion

00:30:43.240 is whatever, whatever for that matter.

00:30:46.060 Even with my dad,

00:30:47.160 and you need to understand, yeah,

00:30:48.280 you guys are talking

00:30:48.800 about interracial marriages.

00:30:49.920 I get attacked for praying salah.

00:30:51.940 I have to tiptoe to do wudu.

00:30:53.880 So the thing is here is like,

00:30:55.760 I ask a question.

00:30:56.540 My mom even asked my dad

00:30:58.060 when he would like,

00:30:58.800 you know, have a go at me

00:30:59.880 and he'd be like,

00:31:00.280 what's this guy doing to you?

00:31:02.040 He just wants to pray.

00:31:03.320 But the point is this.

00:31:04.820 To me, I'll be like,

00:31:05.640 come on, like,

00:31:06.140 I'm absolutely like,

00:31:06.720 what am I doing so bad to you?

00:31:08.040 But the point is,

00:31:09.140 you need to understand

00:31:10.200 there's a way and conduct

00:31:11.760 of dealing with this kind of stuff.

00:31:14.020 And to me,

00:31:14.720 when I was in these situations

00:31:15.560 where, let's say,

00:31:16.440 I was getting to know a sister

00:31:17.080 for marriage and she said,

00:31:17.900 my family doesn't want it.

00:31:18.820 I would say, look, listen,

00:31:19.560 there's two options here

00:31:20.080 because at the end of the day,

00:31:20.760 the families are marrying.

00:31:21.820 Did you get it?

00:31:22.340 I don't want to be hostile

00:31:23.140 with my in-laws.

00:31:24.080 So I would say, listen,

00:31:25.140 try to be gentle.

00:31:26.500 Try to speak.

00:31:27.420 And let me be honest,

00:31:28.000 my dad would cuss me sometimes

00:31:29.140 over like Islam.

00:31:30.220 And sometimes I would go

00:31:31.160 and kiss him on the head, yeah?

00:31:32.460 Bro, I've never seen him

00:31:33.480 so disarmed in my life.

00:31:34.800 Kill him with kindness.

00:31:35.360 Exactly.

00:31:35.820 I've never seen my dad

00:31:36.580 throw this arm

00:31:37.360 when he would cuss me out,

00:31:39.080 you know,

00:31:39.580 he'd be watching Bin Laden

00:31:41.680 and he'd be like,

00:31:42.460 hey, come, come,

00:31:43.020 your friend's here, yeah?

00:31:44.240 That's what he'd say to me.

00:31:45.060 He's like, come, come, look,

00:31:45.860 he's like, your friend's on TV, yeah?

00:31:47.340 So, and to me,

00:31:48.580 like, I would show,

00:31:49.540 I went to him

00:31:50.560 and just kissed him on the head

00:31:51.360 and said, look,

00:31:51.760 I said, dad, you know,

00:31:53.300 I said, I love you regardless.

00:31:54.720 And I've never seen him

00:31:55.840 so disarmed in my life.

00:31:57.180 So there's a way

00:31:57.960 of going about it.

00:31:58.660 We don't want to be

00:31:59.260 rebellion,

00:32:00.400 because at the end of the day,

00:32:01.640 you need to understand

00:32:02.280 it is important

00:32:03.400 that they are our Jannah.

00:32:04.720 So it's a very thin line.

00:32:06.200 So I'm not trying to encourage

00:32:07.020 anyone here

00:32:07.640 to go on a mad one

00:32:08.780 with their parents

00:32:09.220 or like, yeah,

00:32:09.780 I wish I did that

00:32:10.360 with me to trip.

00:32:10.900 So please,

00:32:11.780 wallahi,

00:32:12.100 there has to be

00:32:12.480 utmost respect to parents.

00:32:14.060 There has to be a way

00:32:15.100 of dealing with it.

00:32:16.220 And number three,

00:32:16.980 for Allah,

00:32:17.380 all things are possible, yes?

00:32:19.060 Yes?

00:32:19.740 This is a test

00:32:20.580 and ask Allah to help you.

00:32:22.200 Allah can change their heart.

00:32:23.540 Yeah?

00:32:23.860 So I'm saying

00:32:24.500 there's a way of dealing with it

00:32:25.500 and I agree

00:32:26.020 that to a certain point,

00:32:27.620 but yes,

00:32:28.160 if it is

00:32:28.820 that you are now being blackmailed,

00:32:31.440 you are being threatened,

00:32:33.100 you're being kicked out,

00:32:33.860 this is zoom now.

00:32:35.220 And even then,

00:32:36.660 a certain manner,

00:32:37.860 but again,

00:32:38.480 it gives no right

00:32:39.500 to anybody

00:32:39.940 to raise their voice

00:32:40.680 to their parents.

00:32:41.520 It gives no right

00:32:42.280 for you to be disrespectful.

00:32:43.660 You can communicate

00:32:44.420 and say,

00:32:44.920 mom,

00:32:45.400 that is wrong

00:32:46.000 or dad,

00:32:46.720 that is wrong.

00:32:47.560 So I would say,

00:32:48.180 do that.

00:32:48.980 Any other points?

00:32:49.600 Because I'm going to go

00:32:50.000 to the point of marriage.

00:32:51.040 I want to know

00:32:51.320 how you guys do your weddings.

00:32:53.100 Just quickly,

00:32:54.300 there are also parents out there

00:32:55.460 where if you,

00:32:56.680 I know you're very passionate

00:32:57.180 about this topic,

00:32:57.940 if you want to take on

00:32:58.580 a second wife,

00:32:59.280 they'll disown you.

00:33:00.120 Don't worry,

00:33:01.800 I'm Mr. Polygamy, man.

00:33:03.760 I'm Mr. Polygamy.

00:33:05.140 We're going to come to polygamy

00:33:05.920 in the Bengali culture.

00:33:07.060 So speaking about,

00:33:08.060 yeah,

00:33:09.520 speaking about emotional blackmail,

00:33:11.300 speak about pressurizing,

00:33:12.680 they will tell you,

00:33:13.560 you get married again,

00:33:14.400 you're going to be disowned.

00:33:15.740 Don't care, bro.

00:33:16.260 As long as Allah owns me,

00:33:17.400 bro,

00:33:17.500 I will stand in front of Allah

00:33:19.320 and say,

00:33:19.540 oh Allah,

00:33:19.760 does that commit haram?

00:33:20.420 No.

00:33:20.920 I don't care if the entire globe

00:33:22.400 disowns me, bro.

00:33:23.100 I would say,

00:33:23.420 this is what one scholar

00:33:24.340 said as well,

00:33:24.820 is even like a topic like this

00:33:27.660 when you speak to your parents,

00:33:28.580 maybe best not engage with them

00:33:31.060 because of you as a means,

00:33:32.600 you might state a sum of kufr.

00:33:34.720 You might say something like,

00:33:35.320 oh,

00:33:35.420 I don't agree with it.

00:33:36.420 So don't even entertain

00:33:37.100 a conversation with your parents.

00:33:38.660 Because like Ali Radul Alam said,

00:33:39.860 don't tell the people

00:33:40.500 what they're not ready to hear.

00:33:41.400 You want them to disbelieve

00:33:42.200 in Allah and His Messenger.

00:33:43.140 So we have to be careful,

00:33:44.640 but this issue of like,

00:33:45.940 since you've opened

00:33:46.600 the issue of polygamy,

00:33:47.700 yeah,

00:33:47.980 guys,

00:33:48.640 I didn't open it here openly,

00:33:49.620 yeah,

00:33:49.760 I'm just here entertaining it.

00:33:51.920 How do you guys,

00:33:52.780 how do Bengali culture

00:33:53.420 do with polygamy?

00:33:54.080 So you're saying basically

00:33:54.700 for you guys,

00:33:55.180 it's outright,

00:33:55.840 yeah,

00:33:55.920 we're not for the sisters.

00:33:58.080 I don't know anybody

00:33:59.920 in my family

00:34:00.500 that's been in that situation.

00:34:02.380 I think it's frowned upon

00:34:03.660 because like,

00:34:04.640 like my,

00:34:06.440 I guess my dad,

00:34:07.240 he got like a second wife,

00:34:09.060 but the problem is he,

00:34:11.180 even though he got

00:34:11.680 a second wife back home,

00:34:13.520 he neglected his first wife

00:34:15.000 and his kids.

00:34:16.200 And that was the,

00:34:17.300 and I understand

00:34:18.200 why my mom would get

00:34:19.140 resentment out of that,

00:34:20.160 why she would view like,

00:34:21.980 like having multiple wives

00:34:24.120 as a,

00:34:24.680 like a negative thing

00:34:25.840 because you,

00:34:26.440 you got another wife,

00:34:27.560 but you neglected me

00:34:28.940 and my kids.

00:34:29.720 I think in our culture,

00:34:31.720 in this culture,

00:34:32.520 in this country,

00:34:33.400 sorry,

00:34:33.680 it's not,

00:34:34.320 I don't know anyone,

00:34:35.220 any uncles or anything

00:34:36.120 that have married

00:34:36.860 like multiple women,

00:34:38.000 but in Bangladesh,

00:34:39.020 I'd say you sit around

00:34:39.960 every now and then,

00:34:40.860 but it's not maybe like,

00:34:41.840 you know,

00:34:42.300 high,

00:34:42.700 but it's still more common

00:34:43.520 than it is here.

00:34:44.520 It's probably secret second wife.

00:34:46.040 Yeah,

00:34:46.580 secret third or fourth,

00:34:47.960 you know,

00:34:48.320 but I was going to say,

00:34:49.460 you know,

00:34:49.760 you know,

00:34:50.040 with like getting a second

00:34:50.880 or third wife,

00:34:52.020 I just don't believe

00:34:53.060 that South Asian men

00:34:54.040 have the ability

00:34:55.060 to treat each wife.

00:34:57.080 Equally,

00:34:57.520 100%.

00:34:58.400 Because,

00:34:59.460 I don't know why,

00:35:00.520 because I think men will,

00:35:02.600 we go a lot of looks,

00:35:03.680 right?

00:35:04.720 We go a lot of looks.

00:35:05.800 So if we have,

00:35:06.520 if we have two women

00:35:07.300 and we see one's

00:35:09.100 prettier than the other,

00:35:09.840 one's doing something

00:35:10.400 better than the other,

00:35:11.340 we're going to value

00:35:11.920 that woman over the other one.

00:35:13.440 I just think South Asian men,

00:35:15.100 they just don't have.

00:35:15.580 They don't have the mindset.

00:35:16.180 But Islam gives us

00:35:17.380 stipulation though,

00:35:17.920 because at the end of the day,

00:35:18.480 there's a hadith

00:35:18.860 of the Prophet Muhammad

00:35:19.640 he said that

00:35:20.600 if a man has two wives

00:35:21.560 and he inclines one

00:35:23.060 towards the other,

00:35:23.660 he will come under their judgment,

00:35:24.620 his body leaning on one side.

00:35:26.260 And to do dhulm on someone,

00:35:27.320 oppression,

00:35:27.900 it's a big,

00:35:28.820 it's going to be accounted for.

00:35:30.560 So men have to be very,

00:35:31.960 they need to understand,

00:35:32.760 jobs aside,

00:35:33.740 is that to oppress,

00:35:34.940 like,

00:35:36.240 just going to a different topic,

00:35:37.380 I don't want to go personal

00:35:37.940 out with your father,

00:35:39.060 is that if this was to happen,

00:35:40.920 there's going to be accountability

00:35:41.640 because at the end of the day,

00:35:42.980 you know,

00:35:43.240 you have to give the rights.

00:35:44.940 You know,

00:35:45.100 that's the reason why,

00:35:45.840 if you think about it,

00:35:46.600 I always say this,

00:35:47.260 polygamy was sent down

00:35:48.000 to protect your rights.

00:35:49.220 Because as men,

00:35:50.360 we are prone to polygamy

00:35:51.320 and men usually do it

00:35:52.560 by side chicks,

00:35:53.220 messages and girlfriends.

00:35:54.320 So Islam allowed polygamy,

00:35:55.920 so when it is going to be done,

00:35:57.400 it's not done at the cost

00:35:58.760 of the second and third wife

00:35:59.940 being used and abused.

00:36:01.060 So Islam sends these protocols

00:36:02.300 to say,

00:36:02.960 if you're going to do it,

00:36:03.980 you have to do it the right way.

00:36:04.960 You speak to the father,

00:36:05.880 you get married,

00:36:06.720 you do a wulema,

00:36:07.320 you look after her,

00:36:08.400 you provide for her.

00:36:09.400 So when a man looks at the,

00:36:11.360 he's looking at this

00:36:11.980 and thinking,

00:36:12.320 I have to do all of that,

00:36:13.400 I've changed my mind.

00:36:14.480 Do you see how it protects you?

00:36:16.640 And do you get what I'm trying to say?

00:36:17.600 So if you look at polygamy,

00:36:19.360 even though women hate it,

00:36:20.260 it's actually sent down

00:36:21.320 to protect you guys

00:36:22.480 because,

00:36:23.340 you know,

00:36:23.620 you guys are hypergamous by nature.

00:36:25.060 And I'll be honest with you,

00:36:25.840 I've seen this phenomenon

00:36:26.460 where a lot of women

00:36:27.580 will be like,

00:36:28.100 if they're the first wife,

00:36:29.680 over their dead body,

00:36:30.560 you get a second wife.

00:36:31.080 By the way,

00:36:31.460 I'm not against.

00:36:32.160 No, no, no,

00:36:32.480 not that I'm saying you are,

00:36:33.060 not that I'm saying you are.

00:36:33.860 But when they don't mind

00:36:35.320 being a second wife,

00:36:36.800 I've seen this,

00:36:37.500 but it's,

00:36:37.940 you see it like,

00:36:38.540 you know.

00:36:38.860 Can you clarify the hadith you mentioned?

00:36:40.500 If your heart is inclined towards one,

00:36:42.040 you won't be sinful.

00:36:42.660 It's a bit equality.

00:36:43.620 If you're not equal.

00:36:44.380 Yes, yes.

00:36:45.540 But if your heart is inclined

00:36:47.680 to one wife than the other,

00:36:48.760 then you won't be held accountable.

00:36:50.520 Of course,

00:36:51.020 you can never,

00:36:51.340 because Allah says in the Quran,

00:36:52.000 you can never be just.

00:36:52.760 Exactly.

00:36:52.940 If you talk about justice,

00:36:54.220 look,

00:36:54.500 it can,

00:36:54.980 like we're talking about looking,

00:36:56.660 it might be in his heart

00:36:57.740 that he has a specific liking

00:36:59.120 to the other one.

00:37:00.180 You don't need to tell

00:37:00.900 the other one about that.

00:37:01.760 It's between you and the other.

00:37:02.660 Forget it.

00:37:05.320 Favour and oh,

00:37:07.000 this is not Hikmah,

00:37:07.880 brother,

00:37:08.460 oh,

00:37:08.720 my first wife done this,

00:37:10.020 or this is ridiculous.

00:37:11.800 Like,

00:37:12.020 you need to understand

00:37:12.540 a woman's emotions,

00:37:13.540 have some emotional intelligence.

00:37:15.100 That's very key as well.

00:37:16.080 You know,

00:37:16.760 you know,

00:37:17.120 Brother Ali Dawah,

00:37:17.820 I've seen you speak a lot

00:37:19.180 about polygamy

00:37:19.760 and there's nothing wrong with it.

00:37:20.960 I see a lot of wisdom

00:37:21.660 and Hikmah behind it.

00:37:23.600 But the thing is,

00:37:24.460 the type of,

00:37:25.420 like,

00:37:25.620 there's a lot of men out there

00:37:26.740 who are not equipped.

00:37:28.260 No,

00:37:28.440 I'm not even talking financially.

00:37:29.860 I'm talking mentally.

00:37:30.620 Mentally, emotionally.

00:37:31.600 Like,

00:37:31.640 their emotion is,

00:37:32.600 especially emotional.

00:37:33.380 They don't understand

00:37:34.220 how,

00:37:35.320 how a woman's emotion works.

00:37:37.520 Like,

00:37:37.660 if a woman is getting emotional

00:37:38.720 and you're getting upset at her,

00:37:40.360 rather than trying to understand her,

00:37:41.740 trying to calm the situation.

00:37:43.020 You know the saying,

00:37:43.820 if one person is fired,

00:37:44.860 the other person needs to be water.

00:37:46.480 But you're,

00:37:46.960 you're,

00:37:47.440 you're like doubling up on the fire.

00:37:49.380 Yeah.

00:37:49.860 Then,

00:37:50.440 like,

00:37:50.760 I feel like most of them,

00:37:52.280 like,

00:37:52.940 don't understand that.

00:37:54.020 So if a woman is getting emotional,

00:37:55.460 they'll get,

00:37:56.380 you know,

00:37:56.660 they'll get emotional.

00:37:57.660 This is,

00:37:58.140 what you said here is haqs.

00:37:59.280 It's very,

00:37:59.900 it's so fundamental.

00:38:00.560 It reminds me when a woman came

00:38:02.360 and at the time of Umar Mkhattab

00:38:04.000 and Umar Mkhattab was saying,

00:38:05.320 you know,

00:38:05.480 why are the women asking for high maher?

00:38:06.980 And Umar Mkhattab,

00:38:07.380 and the woman came and said,

00:38:08.440 basically,

00:38:08.820 you know,

00:38:08.960 Allah has given us the haq.

00:38:10.260 And Umar Mkhattab said,

00:38:11.060 the woman is right and,

00:38:12.200 um,

00:38:12.680 I am wrong.

00:38:13.380 And I'm saying the same thing here,

00:38:14.320 sister,

00:38:14.600 you're right.

00:38:15.380 And if I've,

00:38:16.220 I don't think I've said that,

00:38:16.980 but in this matter,

00:38:18.040 I'll be wrong.

00:38:18.920 If I've,

00:38:19.360 if I've said that,

00:38:20.120 you're very tricked.

00:38:20.720 Because at the end of the day,

00:38:21.480 we as men,

00:38:22.000 we have,

00:38:22.240 if we're leaders,

00:38:23.260 we cannot be emotional like you.

00:38:24.620 We need to understand you.

00:38:25.740 And a lot of men are not equipped

00:38:26.620 with this knowledge.

00:38:27.400 Do you get it?

00:38:27.820 Oh,

00:38:27.960 why are you getting upset?

00:38:28.600 She's going to get,

00:38:29.120 she's going to get upset.

00:38:30.140 The best of the woman,

00:38:31.220 Aisha,

00:38:31.500 and has smashed the plate.

00:38:33.160 Just imagine,

00:38:33.980 bro,

00:38:34.040 you're chilling with your boys.

00:38:35.380 Yeah.

00:38:35.560 Your wife comes and smashes that plate

00:38:37.080 in front of everyone.

00:38:38.120 Bro,

00:38:38.200 your ego will be so hurt.

00:38:39.540 The prophet,

00:38:39.920 he didn't even get angry.

00:38:40.920 You know what he said?

00:38:41.720 He said,

00:38:41.920 your mother got upset and smiled.

00:38:44.040 Which man can do that,

00:38:45.040 bro?

00:38:45.320 So you need to be equipped with that.

00:38:47.240 But if you,

00:38:48.380 if there is a man like that,

00:38:49.700 like if he's married to a Bengali,

00:38:51.760 if there is a man like that,

00:38:52.640 are you willing to accept that?

00:38:54.160 Because a lot of sisters come and say,

00:38:55.300 oh,

00:38:55.400 if he's like this,

00:38:56.160 but believe me,

00:38:56.880 when that man comes along,

00:38:57.840 they're still not happy.

00:38:58.520 Like what,

00:38:59.100 sorry?

00:38:59.360 Like the way you said,

00:39:00.060 he's got emotional intelligence,

00:39:01.080 financially can provide.

00:39:01.940 I'll be okay with it.

00:39:03.040 Like if you.

00:39:03.440 Are you sure sister?

00:39:04.300 Because,

00:39:04.600 because we will not be,

00:39:05.400 we will not be.

00:39:05.920 Men like that right now.

00:39:07.300 Because you know,

00:39:07.680 some people contact me.

00:39:08.440 Let me,

00:39:08.820 let me say like,

00:39:09.800 you know,

00:39:10.440 it's something that I never really agreed with

00:39:12.300 because I never understood it.

00:39:13.820 Cause I,

00:39:14.220 like every time someone would mention it,

00:39:16.400 I have this feeling in me,

00:39:17.720 like I don't like that feeling.

00:39:21.240 But then I,

00:39:22.380 I guess one day,

00:39:23.480 Allah gave me the wisdom

00:39:24.480 and I deeply thought about it

00:39:26.440 and I thought about how Allah created the men

00:39:28.320 and how Allah created the women,

00:39:30.020 how men,

00:39:31.120 you know,

00:39:31.740 they're able to impregnate women,

00:39:33.420 like multiple times,

00:39:35.360 you know,

00:39:35.720 throughout the year.

00:39:36.100 Whereas a woman can only get pregnant once.

00:39:38.220 You know,

00:39:38.600 the biology and everything.

00:39:40.580 And I,

00:39:41.120 and then I understood like,

00:39:42.320 this is,

00:39:42.780 and then Allah saying like,

00:39:44.280 like women are actually a fitna,

00:39:46.140 like not a fitna,

00:39:46.920 like a struggle,

00:39:47.520 what do you call it?

00:39:48.420 Yeah,

00:39:48.600 a struggle for men.

00:39:49.720 The biggest weakness.

00:39:51.560 And Allah,

00:39:51.980 like Allah is saying that,

00:39:53.480 like your biggest weakness is women,

00:39:56.240 regardless of whether you're married or not.

00:39:57.520 So I really thought about that and I contemplated on it.

00:39:59.520 I was like,

00:40:00.020 so if Allah is telling me that,

00:40:01.400 then,

00:40:01.840 and I don't,

00:40:02.440 I don't know,

00:40:02.920 because I don't,

00:40:03.560 we think so differently.

00:40:04.740 Like as a man,

00:40:05.800 you think differently.

00:40:06.420 I think so differently.

00:40:07.560 So I understood that.

00:40:09.140 And I thought there's hikmah behind it.

00:40:11.840 And this,

00:40:12.540 this is probably most likely an actual need,

00:40:15.400 like for men to,

00:40:17.000 to be married to,

00:40:18.860 to more than one wife.

00:40:20.360 And you know,

00:40:20.600 there's a lot of men also who are okay with like having one wife,

00:40:23.940 but there's,

00:40:24.640 I would say.

00:40:27.360 Majority men.

00:40:28.640 I challenge,

00:40:29.200 I challenge any man to come here and tell me that they're not.

00:40:31.580 Majority men would choose.

00:40:32.540 Actually,

00:40:32.580 actually,

00:40:32.800 actually,

00:40:33.040 okay,

00:40:33.760 okay,

00:40:33.900 we've got to challenge you.

00:40:34.640 You know,

00:40:34.940 you know,

00:40:35.200 things like that.

00:40:36.300 I personally,

00:40:37.080 I can't deal,

00:40:37.540 I can't deal with more than one wife.

00:40:39.160 Do you know what I mean?

00:40:39.820 If I get married once,

00:40:40.720 I'll say.

00:40:41.260 Exceptions don't make the difference.

00:40:41.980 My brother,

00:40:42.220 my brother Mahdi.

00:40:43.080 Ali,

00:40:43.420 stop trying to convince him.

00:40:44.500 My brother Mahdi.

00:40:45.460 It is.

00:40:45.960 Stop it.

00:40:46.320 Okay,

00:40:46.480 okay,

00:40:47.020 okay,

00:40:47.320 okay.

00:40:47.660 Tell me,

00:40:48.880 tell me what you just said.

00:40:50.000 I said,

00:40:50.280 I couldn't deal with having more than one wife.

00:40:51.660 Okay.

00:40:51.760 You said,

00:40:52.160 you said you cannot deal.

00:40:54.020 Okay.

00:40:54.260 Why are you saying deal?

00:40:55.580 Because I just don't think I love the emotional capacity to deal with more than one wife.

00:40:58.280 My emotions,

00:40:59.200 I won't be ready for you.

00:41:00.120 Okay.

00:41:00.560 Mahdi,

00:41:00.820 I love you for the sake of Allah,

00:41:01.620 yeah?

00:41:01.740 I'm going to give you a scenario.

00:41:03.500 There are two sisters.

00:41:05.260 I don't know what your type is,

00:41:06.200 by the way,

00:41:06.480 yeah?

00:41:06.660 So keep it in your head.

00:41:07.480 Women.

00:41:08.280 Yeah,

00:41:08.540 we know,

00:41:09.060 but there's a different kind of women,

00:41:11.160 yeah?

00:41:11.540 So imagine in your head,

00:41:12.540 yeah,

00:41:12.900 you've got two beautiful women,

00:41:16.100 women of taqwa,

00:41:17.360 praise,

00:41:18.580 good women.

00:41:19.620 They both come to you and say,

00:41:21.180 we would like you to marry us.

00:41:22.940 Islamic,

00:41:23.360 et cetera.

00:41:24.980 And they are both very attractive.

00:41:27.800 A woman of taqwa,

00:41:28.760 practicing,

00:41:29.220 et cetera.

00:41:29.880 Can you tell me why you would reject one of them?

00:41:32.840 I just want to,

00:41:33.400 but genuinely ask me,

00:41:34.760 I don't want to make a point here.

00:41:35.400 I don't want to make an evil thing.

00:41:36.840 Genuinely,

00:41:38.000 I'm just asking you because what happens is when you come and say this,

00:41:42.620 sisters are watching this and go to their husbands.

00:41:44.220 See,

00:41:44.760 there is one guy out there.

00:41:46.800 Now,

00:41:47.440 if there are two beautiful women,

00:41:48.960 I'm a married man.

00:41:50.040 My wife is a co-producer of this.

00:41:51.560 I talk about polygamy all day.

00:41:52.980 Sometimes they're a nice man in the house after dodge,

00:41:54.820 yeah?

00:41:55.400 Okay,

00:41:55.620 my life might be at risk.

00:41:56.900 But the point is what?

00:41:57.980 That I have to be honest with myself.

00:41:59.620 So,

00:42:00.080 two beautiful women,

00:42:00.840 bro,

00:42:01.060 why would you see no two?

00:42:02.840 So,

00:42:03.420 when you say two beautiful women,

00:42:04.820 they're exactly the same,

00:42:05.740 everything,

00:42:06.120 right?

00:42:06.680 Okay.

00:42:07.160 But there's,

00:42:07.780 between,

00:42:08.180 if I see two beautiful women here now,

00:42:09.800 there's going to be some sort of difference.

00:42:11.420 Well,

00:42:11.680 I'll think the other one's better than the other.

00:42:13.560 I'll go with that one then.

00:42:14.300 No,

00:42:14.480 that's fine.

00:42:14.940 But I'm saying to you,

00:42:15.880 that if the other one doesn't have a great deficiency,

00:42:18.760 I'm not talking about someone,

00:42:20.160 you have a liking of.

00:42:22.200 Yeah,

00:42:22.540 yeah.

00:42:22.660 As a man,

00:42:23.300 as a man,

00:42:24.060 what would your heart say?

00:42:25.340 They both agree with each other.

00:42:26.620 Yeah,

00:42:26.820 yeah,

00:42:27.040 and they're both fine.

00:42:27.820 There's no headache.

00:42:28.860 There's no headache.

00:42:29.740 If both of them are women of talk,

00:42:32.260 why would you say,

00:42:33.400 what would you,

00:42:34.300 as a human,

00:42:34.900 as a man,

00:42:35.920 what would go for your mind?

00:42:36.980 Would you not be that,

00:42:37.600 to have both of them in my life?

00:42:38.760 Hell yeah.

00:42:39.640 Why would you say hell no?

00:42:41.080 I've just told you about the emotional intelligence.

00:42:42.760 I couldn't handle it.

00:42:43.720 What this sister said,

00:42:44.460 what this sister said about having the emotional,

00:42:46.560 like,

00:42:47.040 ability to put up with,

00:42:48.460 like,

00:42:48.520 arguments and stuff,

00:42:49.260 being the calm one,

00:42:50.160 I wouldn't have that for two people.

00:42:52.400 I can't do it.

00:42:52.980 Okay,

00:42:53.180 it's going to be mentally great.

00:42:54.380 What if those sisters say,

00:42:55.980 we swear by Allah,

00:42:57.780 get a witness to you,

00:42:58.380 sign a contract,

00:42:59.000 we're not giving you an emotional headache,

00:43:00.680 we'll be chilled out.

00:43:01.640 That's not realistic.

00:43:02.800 If that was the case.

00:43:06.840 Speak the truth.

00:43:07.660 Speak the truth.

00:43:08.240 Speak the truth.

00:43:08.940 You know,

00:43:09.180 are you specifically talking about,

00:43:10.680 I can't imagine myself.

00:43:11.620 No,

00:43:11.940 okay.

00:43:12.880 One second,

00:43:13.560 one second.

00:43:13.960 This is very important,

00:43:15.040 bro.

00:43:15.400 Because anytime brothers mentions,

00:43:16.780 they mention headache,

00:43:17.940 the first wife would say,

00:43:18.880 put those,

00:43:19.380 all those factors to her side.

00:43:21.720 As a man,

00:43:22.720 you would want more than one woman.

00:43:24.280 Any man,

00:43:25.060 unless he's,

00:43:25.580 you know,

00:43:26.520 you know what I'm saying.

00:43:27.860 But,

00:43:28.200 but what I'm saying is,

00:43:29.160 like in a nutshell,

00:43:29.960 that you will have the innate desire,

00:43:31.460 we're born like that.

00:43:32.160 You get what I'm trying to say?

00:43:34.200 That innate desire,

00:43:35.420 right?

00:43:35.780 So,

00:43:36.860 I know you're for like,

00:43:37.800 I'm saying,

00:43:38.100 marrying people.

00:43:39.380 I know Islam says that as well.

00:43:41.040 What I'm saying is like,

00:43:42.380 I think,

00:43:43.100 I haven't done a lot of research on this,

00:43:44.360 but I think,

00:43:45.000 it's more appropriate at the time,

00:43:46.940 of when there was war,

00:43:48.200 when there was a harbor.

00:43:49.240 Right now,

00:43:49.880 I don't,

00:43:50.220 I don't think,

00:43:50.900 I don't think,

00:43:51.440 South Asian men.

00:43:53.020 No,

00:43:53.180 but that's what I'm saying.

00:43:54.020 South Asian men,

00:43:54.760 I'm talking to men.

00:43:55.420 It's a specific scenario.

00:43:56.280 No,

00:43:56.380 but I am a South Asian man.

00:43:57.480 Yeah,

00:43:57.560 yeah,

00:43:57.660 yeah.

00:43:57.900 No,

00:43:58.120 no,

00:43:58.160 I understand.

00:43:58.720 That's what I'm saying.

00:43:59.180 But I don't,

00:44:00.160 we can't generalize all of them.

00:44:01.480 What I'm saying is though,

00:44:02.540 no man would say no,

00:44:03.680 put the headache to the side.

00:44:05.380 No man in his right mind would say no

00:44:06.760 to two beautiful women.

00:44:08.460 I mean,

00:44:08.600 how would I say no

00:44:09.900 to two beautiful women

00:44:11.580 and I'm born

00:44:12.480 and I have the inkling,

00:44:13.680 the propensity

00:44:14.260 to be polygamous

00:44:15.260 and they have the propensity

00:44:16.580 where they're hypergamous,

00:44:17.520 you're a handsome brother,

00:44:18.980 yeah?

00:44:19.400 Mashallah.

00:44:19.820 So I'm saying bro,

00:44:20.560 no,

00:44:20.740 no,

00:44:20.820 let's be honest here.

00:44:21.940 And the woman,

00:44:23.240 they don't mind sharing.

00:44:24.680 I'll be honest with you.

00:44:25.460 And there's factors to it.

00:44:26.740 So why would you say no to two?

00:44:29.240 No headaches involved.

00:44:31.500 All right,

00:44:31.960 if there were no headaches involved.

00:44:34.160 Welcome to,

00:44:34.940 welcome to,

00:44:35.720 may Allah bless you inshallah.

00:44:37.560 Okay,

00:44:38.100 the point I'm just saying is this,

00:44:39.760 we are hardwired

00:44:40.960 and it's the headache factor

00:44:42.900 because a lot of brothers say,

00:44:43.660 oh,

00:44:43.800 if my first wife didn't give headache.

00:44:45.160 So you would,

00:44:46.300 but what puts you off

00:44:47.120 is the first wife.

00:44:48.540 That's the issue.

00:44:48.940 Listen to,

00:44:49.640 listen to what you just said,

00:44:51.280 yeah,

00:44:51.460 it's about the emotional intelligence.

00:44:53.680 That's what men are lacking.

00:44:55.140 I believe in polygamy.

00:44:56.520 I think it's a beautiful thing.

00:44:58.140 And I think if you can treat

00:44:59.380 each wife the same,

00:45:01.960 you can't.

00:45:02.520 Allah says in the Quran,

00:45:03.380 you can,

00:45:03.600 and you can never be just if you can.

00:45:04.860 Try to, right?

00:45:05.580 You have to try to.

00:45:06.720 So if you can try to,

00:45:09.040 Alhamdulillah,

00:45:09.840 we'll have a better generation,

00:45:11.740 a better society.

00:45:12.700 I'm just curious.

00:45:13.800 It's the lacking of emotional intelligence.

00:45:16.220 Yes,

00:45:16.360 quickly,

00:45:16.620 sister,

00:45:16.920 because I don't want to make it a whole polygamy.

00:45:17.900 Okay,

00:45:17.920 I was going to say,

00:45:18.680 I'm just curious,

00:45:19.280 you know,

00:45:19.560 you know,

00:45:20.380 the polygamy thing,

00:45:21.280 you're saying every man is driven

00:45:22.540 to want more than one woman.

00:45:24.480 Yeah,

00:45:24.500 propensity.

00:45:24.880 Okay,

00:45:25.080 I get that.

00:45:26.260 What are they driven by?

00:45:27.280 Are they driven by the idea of intimacy?

00:45:30.400 It can be intimacy.

00:45:31.780 What is it?

00:45:32.280 In Islam,

00:45:32.920 I'm just curious.

00:45:34.560 It's like this.

00:45:35.920 Look,

00:45:36.260 in Islam,

00:45:36.960 yeah,

00:45:37.140 look,

00:45:37.300 at the end of the day,

00:45:37.840 like you said,

00:45:38.140 there's many factors to this,

00:45:39.100 yeah?

00:45:39.320 There are more women than men,

00:45:40.800 yeah?

00:45:41.460 More men are in prison,

00:45:42.540 more men die.

00:45:43.420 So there's so many factors,

00:45:44.440 there's a kickback behind it as well.

00:45:45.480 And not only that though,

00:45:46.460 for a man,

00:45:47.040 he could be married.

00:45:48.460 And this is where we don't understand.

00:45:50.200 For you guys,

00:45:50.920 the moment you fall out of love with your husband,

00:45:53.900 you do not want to stay with him

00:45:54.880 and want to divorce and move on,

00:45:56.180 yeah?

00:45:56.640 We don't think like you.

00:45:59.120 Yeah.

00:45:59.640 For us,

00:45:59.980 it's like this.

00:46:00.980 I love my wife.

00:46:02.220 We love our wives.

00:46:03.260 We have no problem.

00:46:04.100 And I've said this before.

00:46:04.760 It's a good thing to take the test.

00:46:06.660 And they said to me,

00:46:07.120 do you love your wife?

00:46:07.900 I'll say,

00:46:08.340 yes.

00:46:08.840 They'll say,

00:46:09.280 pass.

00:46:10.100 Would you die for her?

00:46:10.980 Yes.

00:46:11.840 Pass.

00:46:12.540 Do you want a second wife?

00:46:13.600 Yes.

00:46:14.380 Pass.

00:46:15.280 This is where you guys don't understand us

00:46:16.900 because-

00:46:17.300 I disagree with that.

00:46:18.860 You guys think-

00:46:19.640 I get that.

00:46:20.240 No,

00:46:20.420 no,

00:46:20.460 okay.

00:46:20.560 I would stay with my husband

00:46:22.400 even if I fall out.

00:46:23.860 Okay,

00:46:24.220 but that's a sacrifice,

00:46:25.520 yeah?

00:46:25.600 Because that's what I've been taught

00:46:26.860 by my ancestors.

00:46:28.300 That's good, sister.

00:46:29.060 Saying about it.

00:46:29.600 That's good,

00:46:29.920 but what I'm saying is,

00:46:30.640 the reason I say this,

00:46:31.500 by the way,

00:46:32.100 is because I see so many brothers

00:46:33.440 who are going through oppression.

00:46:34.920 They don't see their kids.

00:46:35.960 They've been oppressed.

00:46:37.080 They've been accused of all sorts

00:46:38.080 because their honourable husband

00:46:40.940 has gone and do it the right way.

00:46:42.380 That's why I'm so obsessed about.

00:46:43.740 It's not because Ali's obsessed.

00:46:45.760 That's a private matter

00:46:46.480 between me and my wife.

00:46:47.240 Did you get it?

00:46:47.820 Nothing to do with anybody.

00:46:49.140 The reason why I'm so adamantly

00:46:50.820 speaking about this

00:46:51.600 over and over again,

00:46:52.640 because if you knew the stories

00:46:53.560 that I know

00:46:54.080 of good brothers,

00:46:55.600 who want to get married again,

00:46:57.140 all hell breaks loose.

00:46:59.440 The point I'm saying is this though,

00:47:00.760 it's not personal

00:47:01.540 and we don't do it

00:47:02.220 because we want to hurt our wives,

00:47:03.780 but we are programmed in a way

00:47:05.420 that we could love our wives

00:47:07.260 and want another woman.

00:47:08.500 It does not mean

00:47:09.020 we don't love them.

00:47:09.900 You guys don't think like that,

00:47:11.020 but we do.

00:47:11.800 Anyways,

00:47:12.100 we need to move on

00:47:12.980 because I don't want to make

00:47:13.500 a political discussion.

00:47:14.780 Can you guys tell me a bit

00:47:15.420 about the Bengali wedding?

00:47:16.820 So for example,

00:47:17.440 how does it work?

00:47:17.800 I know you guys are on this Ferrari,

00:47:18.800 Bentleys and all kind of stuff

00:47:19.940 going around.

00:47:20.600 Can you tell me,

00:47:21.340 is this a part of the Bengali culture?

00:47:23.020 But the thing is,

00:47:23.780 how do your weddings go?

00:47:24.580 How many weddings do you have?

00:47:25.460 Hennonite,

00:47:26.340 imagine.

00:47:26.900 So can you guys run me through

00:47:27.940 two people have met,

00:47:30.220 two people have met,

00:47:31.420 yeah,

00:47:31.640 and how does it initiate it?

00:47:33.800 Who comes to whose house?

00:47:35.640 Before we get to that,

00:47:37.120 you can start that off.

00:47:38.120 I want to take you

00:47:39.180 a little bit back.

00:47:40.580 I know Bengali culture,

00:47:41.560 there's one thing

00:47:42.220 we've missed out.

00:47:43.480 What it is,

00:47:44.560 what we go for,

00:47:46.220 is if the skin colour.

00:47:47.880 It's not,

00:47:48.200 it's nothing to do with racism,

00:47:50.020 whereas the lightest,

00:47:51.340 they get them like this.

00:47:52.360 That's racism.

00:47:52.860 That's racism.

00:47:53.500 I know, I know.

00:47:54.320 That's the definition of racism.

00:47:55.920 They think,

00:47:56.460 they think it's not racism.

00:47:58.440 So you know,

00:47:58.880 it's nothing to do with Africa

00:47:59.940 or anything like that.

00:48:00.820 If you're Bengali,

00:48:01.740 and you're dark-skinned,

00:48:03.120 they'll say,

00:48:03.440 oh, she's too dark.

00:48:04.460 She's no other.

00:48:05.240 Do you understand?

00:48:05.840 This is a big,

00:48:06.900 big issue in our culture.

00:48:09.640 If you're Bengali,

00:48:10.740 you're Muslim,

00:48:11.900 you're from the same village,

00:48:13.300 and you're dark,

00:48:14.260 she will have low chances

00:48:16.120 of getting married.

00:48:17.260 Oh, she's dark.

00:48:18.260 She's too dark.

00:48:19.180 It's basically the same

00:48:20.160 as saying like,

00:48:20.620 oh, she's a slave girl.

00:48:21.520 It's a big problem.

00:48:22.680 Black skin.

00:48:24.620 Forget African

00:48:25.520 and forget anything else.

00:48:26.640 You know,

00:48:26.840 everything you're saying

00:48:27.600 is exactly,

00:48:29.020 like,

00:48:29.900 obviously we're sisters,

00:48:30.660 but we're completely

00:48:31.500 different shades.

00:48:32.660 And I am darker-skinned

00:48:33.700 and my mom said that,

00:48:35.120 you know,

00:48:35.440 everything you just said,

00:48:36.680 everything she said to me,

00:48:38.300 like,

00:48:38.480 you're darker than your sisters

00:48:39.880 and you won't really

00:48:41.220 be able to get married.

00:48:42.480 Like,

00:48:42.640 no one's going to want you.

00:48:43.540 So you need to work

00:48:45.640 on your skills

00:48:46.200 of like cooking

00:48:46.940 and cleaning

00:48:48.020 and taking care

00:48:49.220 of the man.

00:48:50.280 And I grew up

00:48:51.040 genuinely thinking like,

00:48:52.420 she also told me like,

00:48:54.020 you know,

00:48:54.200 Allah cursed you

00:48:55.200 with this skin color.

00:48:57.000 So I genuinely grew up

00:48:58.180 thinking that,

00:48:58.880 but obviously I grew

00:49:00.040 out of it.

00:49:00.840 Okay, look,

00:49:01.700 may Allah preserve you,

00:49:02.600 may Allah bless you.

00:49:03.340 This can be not knowing.

00:49:05.120 Do you get what I'm trying to say?

00:49:06.440 But this is a lack of,

00:49:08.380 you see all of our issues

00:49:09.360 and problems

00:49:10.020 tie back to Tawheed.

00:49:11.120 This is a lack of tawakkil.

00:49:13.180 Yeah,

00:49:13.380 believe me sister,

00:49:13.940 I don't care what color you are.

00:49:15.380 If Allah rits

00:49:16.200 that someone's going to marry you,

00:49:17.980 you're going to get married.

00:49:19.280 Do you get it?

00:49:19.780 So anyone that's watching this,

00:49:21.000 what color you are,

00:49:21.700 how you look,

00:49:22.220 wallahi.

00:49:23.000 As long as you observe

00:49:24.180 Allah's laws and legislation,

00:49:25.520 Allah will send somebody

00:49:26.440 to your doorstep.

00:49:27.520 Just understand this.

00:49:28.940 And it seems to me,

00:49:29.780 this whole Bengali thing,

00:49:31.340 I think it's coming

00:49:32.200 from an older generation

00:49:33.100 where Hinduism is,

00:49:34.720 I think that's what...

00:49:35.620 It's the future

00:49:35.800 that like really makes...

00:49:37.260 Exactly, exactly.

00:49:38.100 So any sisters

00:49:39.300 that's watching this

00:49:40.100 who might have a,

00:49:41.040 inferiority complex

00:49:42.060 of their looks,

00:49:42.680 their color,

00:49:43.540 their ability, whatever.

00:49:45.140 All I'm going to say is,

00:49:45.920 wallahi,

00:49:46.320 Allah is the creator

00:49:47.060 of the heavens and the earth.

00:49:47.900 It is not difficult

00:49:48.540 for Allah to find someone for you.

00:49:50.140 Just look at a relationship

00:49:50.940 between you and Allah,

00:49:52.500 being obedient to Him

00:49:53.500 and given His right

00:49:55.400 and wallahi,

00:49:56.400 believe me,

00:49:56.820 Allah will send someone to you

00:49:58.100 and ignore anyone

00:49:59.080 that's making you feel insecure.

00:50:02.020 Yeah,

00:50:02.580 like don't,

00:50:03.160 don't answer it.

00:50:04.020 Yeah,

00:50:04.440 it's a necessary question.

00:50:05.100 So others elaborate on

00:50:06.600 things you spoke about,

00:50:07.600 the cars and everything,

00:50:08.420 but from my experience,

00:50:09.320 a few un-Islamic practices

00:50:11.500 is when the mahr is discussed,

00:50:14.140 the bride and the groom

00:50:14.920 aren't even in the discussion.

00:50:16.760 It's the elders that discuss it.

00:50:17.980 Yeah.

00:50:18.380 Oncles.

00:50:18.800 They're not even consulted.

00:50:20.440 So the bride and the groom,

00:50:21.580 they're not even consulted,

00:50:22.680 they're not even in the discussion

00:50:23.520 for the mahr.

00:50:24.480 The elders,

00:50:25.280 they discuss the mahr.

00:50:26.200 Normally the dad or the uncles,

00:50:27.520 they sit in the room.

00:50:27.780 And then the dad will inform you

00:50:29.840 and her dad will inform her,

00:50:30.800 yeah,

00:50:30.920 this is what we agreed.

00:50:32.740 Whereas the system might be okay

00:50:34.120 with,

00:50:34.420 I don't know,

00:50:34.980 Hajj or something like that,

00:50:35.820 but they're not even in the discussion.

00:50:37.600 Yeah.

00:50:38.740 And the other thing I would say is,

00:50:40.300 again,

00:50:40.920 it's so bad,

00:50:41.560 but,

00:50:41.680 that as well,

00:50:43.960 but after the mahr thing,

00:50:45.580 like if you have potential

00:50:46.660 sister-in-laws,

00:50:47.520 brother-in-laws,

00:50:48.140 you're meant to joke with them.

00:50:49.720 Oh my days.

00:50:50.600 It furiates me,

00:50:51.880 bro.

00:50:52.380 Yeah.

00:50:52.880 But again,

00:50:53.660 as in it's emphasized.

00:50:55.040 It's basically encouraged.

00:50:56.720 This is your,

00:50:57.360 sorry,

00:50:57.900 yeah.

00:50:58.460 Like this is your like sister-in-law,

00:51:00.080 like she'll banter with him,

00:51:01.480 blah,

00:51:01.560 blah.

00:51:02.040 Basically it's just outright flirting.

00:51:03.580 It's proper flirting.

00:51:04.720 So they take his like shoe,

00:51:06.040 this and that.

00:51:06.860 They're like,

00:51:07.120 I've seen,

00:51:07.540 I've seen stuff on their shoe

00:51:09.040 and run away with it.

00:51:09.800 They'll chase them down.

00:51:10.680 Brother,

00:51:10.900 I've seen stuff.

00:51:11.900 Who's taking his shoe?

00:51:13.040 Like the shoulders and stuff.

00:51:15.140 The groom's.

00:51:16.640 His potential sister-in-law,

00:51:17.900 so his potential wife's sister,

00:51:20.220 they'll have next level banter

00:51:21.460 and that kind of behavior.

00:51:22.980 Take his shoe.

00:51:24.380 Yeah.

00:51:24.480 And he has to give money

00:51:25.640 for the shoe.

00:51:26.180 I've seen stuff on TikTok,

00:51:27.360 yeah,

00:51:27.480 where they're physically like wrestling

00:51:28.940 and stuff.

00:51:30.080 Mental.

00:51:30.760 Is it like,

00:51:31.480 for example,

00:51:32.720 when you're going to the bride's house,

00:51:34.820 somebody locks the door

00:51:35.740 and you need to give money

00:51:36.460 to open the door.

00:51:37.000 Is it like that?

00:51:37.320 Yeah,

00:51:37.460 yeah,

00:51:37.680 yeah,

00:51:37.820 yeah.

00:51:38.160 This one is a shoe.

00:51:39.580 It's sometimes,

00:51:40.680 it's worse than it.

00:51:41.220 And I would say,

00:51:41.560 as I grew up,

00:51:42.480 I came across a hadith

00:51:43.340 that your in-laws are death.

00:51:45.200 Really?

00:51:45.520 You said your brother-in-law

00:51:46.840 is like death.

00:51:47.600 Exactly.

00:51:48.340 Yeah.

00:51:48.740 Well,

00:51:48.960 I've heard so many stories

00:51:49.980 of like Bengalis

00:51:50.700 like getting with their like

00:51:52.260 brother-in-law system

00:51:52.900 and all this and that.

00:51:53.460 It's mental.

00:51:54.580 It's actually crazy.

00:51:55.160 Exactly.

00:51:55.680 That's because of the free mixing.

00:51:57.100 You know how that starts as well?

00:51:58.380 I've got people that I know,

00:51:59.600 friends and stuff

00:52:00.260 that have done this.

00:52:00.960 They're falling in love

00:52:01.600 with like other,

00:52:02.720 the other side of the family

00:52:03.720 and stuff

00:52:04.000 because there's flirting stuff

00:52:04.900 going on,

00:52:05.720 messaging each other,

00:52:07.040 all this TikTok,

00:52:08.060 like social media and stuff

00:52:09.380 because what they want to do

00:52:10.340 is they want to record themselves

00:52:11.300 like flirting and stuff

00:52:12.400 and making jokes.

00:52:13.400 Put it on social media,

00:52:14.300 it bangs views,

00:52:14.920 that's it.

00:52:15.760 I'd say it's encouraged.

00:52:16.560 That is crazy, man.

00:52:17.400 It just shows us

00:52:18.040 how much Islam and culture

00:52:20.260 and I did see this strongly.

00:52:22.720 Like I'm like,

00:52:23.120 look,

00:52:23.560 look,

00:52:23.920 we're not seeing

00:52:24.940 every single Bengali here,

00:52:25.980 et cetera.

00:52:26.200 Do you get it?

00:52:27.020 But yeah,

00:52:28.020 like it's saddening

00:52:29.060 and inshallah,

00:52:29.840 you guys can change this.

00:52:30.800 That's all.

00:52:31.140 This generation slowly changes this.

00:52:32.740 Can you tell me about the wedding?

00:52:33.560 I want to know about the proposal,

00:52:35.760 the first time of proposal.

00:52:37.160 Can you guys please run me from,

00:52:38.160 I want to know from A to B

00:52:39.100 because we're running out of time.

00:52:40.300 I don't know fully about this

00:52:41.900 but all I know is

00:52:42.800 the fish ceremony.

00:52:45.220 Oh my God,

00:52:45.460 do you want to explain it?

00:52:46.200 So basically,

00:52:47.180 that one,

00:52:48.520 we can get to.

00:52:49.560 I'll go A to B real quick

00:52:50.500 if you want.

00:52:51.000 Yeah, go ahead.

00:52:51.520 So basically what it is,

00:52:52.760 is like,

00:52:53.040 let's say you've settled

00:52:53.980 on a spouse,

00:52:54.600 where you found someone

00:52:55.180 you want to marry,

00:52:56.060 you inform the parents,

00:52:56.920 they'll have like a phone call

00:52:57.800 and the last one

00:52:58.540 they call a dekhadeh,

00:52:59.460 which means a meet

00:53:00.460 sort of thing,

00:53:01.460 where they speak about

00:53:02.160 like everything,

00:53:03.780 like when the wedding is,

00:53:04.660 how much gold to give.

00:53:05.780 Then you go with like

00:53:06.680 something called

00:53:07.180 an engagement party

00:53:07.980 a few months down the line

00:53:09.300 next year.

00:53:11.700 Is it?

00:53:12.020 Yeah, Sinifan, sorry.

00:53:12.800 Yeah, Sinifan.

00:53:13.780 And then,

00:53:15.060 Sinifan is an engagement party.

00:53:16.740 That's what it is.

00:53:17.340 There's like four different

00:53:18.100 parties you've been in.

00:53:19.000 It's mad.

00:53:19.860 Then you do a niqar.

00:53:21.280 This is a few days

00:53:21.960 before the marriage.

00:53:22.640 You're leaving something out.

00:53:23.280 Islamic niqar.

00:53:24.020 You're leaving something out.

00:53:24.840 And then you do the,

00:53:25.820 you know.

00:53:26.280 You know what you're leaving out?

00:53:27.180 The negotiations.

00:53:29.040 That's not the difference.

00:53:29.920 You know the negotiations.

00:53:31.520 You literally negotiate

00:53:33.100 money,

00:53:34.740 land,

00:53:35.280 what you're going to give.

00:53:36.480 That's when they see each other.

00:53:38.020 The Merseys,

00:53:39.100 this,

00:53:39.480 that we're going to spend

00:53:40.340 this much minimum

00:53:41.020 in the wedding.

00:53:41.800 The hall has to be this big.

00:53:43.360 The food has to be

00:53:44.460 five quarters.

00:53:45.460 So that's when both families

00:53:46.420 meet basically.

00:53:47.340 They do the talks.

00:53:48.020 If you're not,

00:53:49.280 marriage can break.

00:53:50.460 You know,

00:53:50.980 and also one thing.

00:53:52.080 They'll bankrupt.

00:53:53.140 You can bankrupt yourself.

00:53:54.780 You know,

00:53:55.060 it's actually statistically true,

00:53:56.340 right?

00:53:56.740 The higher maha for a woman is.

00:53:58.900 That's,

00:53:59.220 I think you said this actually.

00:54:00.280 It's funny that show

00:54:00.600 that the more you spend

00:54:01.400 on a wedding.

00:54:02.320 This is why non-Muslims,

00:54:03.080 by the way.

00:54:03.660 When Allah and his messenger

00:54:04.480 say it,

00:54:05.140 nobody believes it.

00:54:06.120 When a kafir,

00:54:07.040 non-Muslim guy comes and says,

00:54:08.280 we've done a study,

00:54:08.800 they go,

00:54:09.040 you see,

00:54:10.360 it's unbelievable.

00:54:11.240 The insult that we give to Allah

00:54:12.500 is unbelievable.

00:54:13.000 Colonial mindset, brother.

00:54:14.100 Not the brain notion that we have.

00:54:15.540 So,

00:54:15.620 okay,

00:54:16.220 so then what do you guys do

00:54:17.400 in the wedding?

00:54:18.200 Like how many dresses

00:54:18.840 does a woman have to wear?

00:54:20.100 What does the guy have to wear?

00:54:21.060 Please tell me a bit more.

00:54:22.000 Subhanallah.

00:54:22.620 Amount of money you spend.

00:54:23.580 You guys can take this one.

00:54:24.760 So,

00:54:25.780 so,

00:54:26.840 there's like,

00:54:27.860 obviously the wedding,

00:54:28.820 the henna and

00:54:31.140 It's the Mendi first.

00:54:33.920 The Mendi first.

00:54:34.800 Mendi party.

00:54:36.420 I'm not going to lie to you.

00:54:37.900 I have no idea.

00:54:39.000 Basically,

00:54:39.500 Mendi is like,

00:54:40.140 when I got married,

00:54:41.260 I just got married in the mosque.

00:54:43.460 I'm not married anymore.

00:54:44.660 But when I got married,

00:54:45.820 I got married in the mosque.

00:54:47.700 And I just did a simple in the car.

00:54:49.420 So,

00:54:49.620 I don't,

00:54:50.180 I'm not familiar with like,

00:54:52.140 all the.

00:54:53.200 Okay,

00:54:53.640 so tell us.

00:54:54.520 Go ahead.

00:54:55.660 Well,

00:54:55.840 we first start off with negotiations,

00:54:57.740 how much is going to be spent.

00:54:59.040 And then it's Sinifan,

00:55:00.220 which is the engagement.

00:55:01.640 And then after that,

00:55:02.760 we have the Mendi,

00:55:03.840 which is like a hen party.

00:55:05.320 Hindu stuff.

00:55:06.360 It's like a,

00:55:06.900 it's like a tradition.

00:55:07.940 But you apply henna on the bride.

00:55:10.620 Do you guys from rice?

00:55:11.480 Is that from,

00:55:11.980 is that?

00:55:12.260 Yeah,

00:55:12.620 there is stuff like that.

00:55:13.520 There is stuff like that.

00:55:14.520 I think we did the fully,

00:55:15.340 what's it called?

00:55:15.920 Hollywood ringers?

00:55:16.820 The little dust and all that stuff.

00:55:18.280 Like a,

00:55:19.220 you know,

00:55:20.000 them platters of rice.

00:55:21.040 Yeah,

00:55:21.120 yeah,

00:55:21.260 just fry it up in it.

00:55:22.260 Yeah,

00:55:22.440 yeah,

00:55:22.600 that's pretty much.

00:55:23.920 That's a very hippie thing.

00:55:24.780 We love our wives team.

00:55:25.880 I've seen that in kind of parties before.

00:55:28.940 We didn't do that in our time,

00:55:30.580 but I haven't seen that.

00:55:31.700 But a lot of Hindu stuff goes on.

00:55:34.080 Yeah,

00:55:34.280 you will be shocked.

00:55:35.340 Just to,

00:55:35.660 my father stopped going to weddings.

00:55:37.680 My father literally upset so many family members because he didn't tolerate it no more.

00:55:45.300 He said,

00:55:45.620 I can't tolerate this.

00:55:46.800 There's no segregation.

00:55:49.040 There's no,

00:55:50.180 nothing to do with Islam.

00:55:52.180 So at weddings,

00:55:53.320 they'll do like musical instruments,

00:55:55.300 like Bollywood music,

00:55:56.580 stuff like that.

00:55:57.160 They do like dances and stuff.

00:55:58.700 The groom and bride will sometimes dance together as well.

00:56:00.840 I've seen that on TikTok.

00:56:01.880 It's crazy,

00:56:02.620 isn't it?

00:56:03.540 So it's proper like Indian,

00:56:04.740 but I have seen a lot of like Bengalis doing just a Nikana in a mosque.

00:56:09.500 You know,

00:56:09.660 it's just easier,

00:56:10.260 isn't it?

00:56:10.540 And financially affordable.

00:56:11.840 So there's like two ways of going about essentially.

00:56:14.000 But you know what?

00:56:14.760 Bengali weddings,

00:56:15.340 I looked at the average is 55,

00:56:17.420 60 K on average for Bengali.

00:56:19.240 That's not including mahar or gold prices,

00:56:20.980 by the way.

00:56:21.240 If I marry and I spend six to the ground there,

00:56:24.260 I'm never divorcing that woman in my life.

00:56:26.600 Yeah,

00:56:26.760 but she'll divorce you bro.

00:56:27.700 That's the statistic.

00:56:28.640 No,

00:56:28.760 no,

00:56:28.840 no,

00:56:28.900 but that's,

00:56:29.320 but that's interesting.

00:56:30.440 Cause the thing is,

00:56:30.920 if the mahar is that much here,

00:56:32.280 this is what Islam deals because Islam protects you.

00:56:34.400 Number one,

00:56:34.900 this is,

00:56:35.180 Allah,

00:56:35.420 Islam is so beautiful.

00:56:36.180 Allah,

00:56:36.360 alhamdulillah for Islam.

00:56:37.080 The best thing that ever happened in my life is Islam.

00:56:39.140 Just think about it here.

00:56:40.060 If a man has ill intentions,

00:56:41.260 the fact that he has to speak to the father and give mahar,

00:56:43.300 there's something that protects you guys.

00:56:44.920 Yeah,

00:56:45.060 because if he has ill intentions.

00:56:47.620 So,

00:56:48.120 and if the woman has ill intentions,

00:56:49.280 she's a gold digger,

00:56:50.280 it also protects me because if she initiates khullah,

00:56:52.200 she has to give me back the mahar or part of the mahar.

00:56:55.320 So you see how Islam protects both sides.

00:56:57.140 Yeah,

00:56:57.280 yeah,

00:56:57.360 yeah.

00:56:57.580 Alhamdulillah for Islam.

00:56:58.460 But okay.

00:56:59.360 I was going to mention one thing you guys forgot,

00:57:01.400 you know,

00:57:01.800 I've seen this a lot.

00:57:03.160 I've never done it.

00:57:03.840 My mom's always mentioned it.

00:57:05.380 Like she saved up a lot of money just in case for,

00:57:08.000 for that reason.

00:57:09.060 But it's the fact that the bride's side gives like mahar to the,

00:57:14.960 the man's side.

00:57:15.740 You mean the clothes?

00:57:16.520 They buy the furniture.

00:57:17.920 I never understood.

00:57:19.320 So basically that is purely obviously cultural.

00:57:21.700 It's Islamic.

00:57:22.900 Yeah.

00:57:24.000 Yeah.

00:57:24.440 So,

00:57:24.520 so this is,

00:57:25.200 it happens at my cousin's weddings everywhere.

00:57:26.740 So what they do is like the agreement and the negotiations are like,

00:57:30.300 this is how much you pay,

00:57:31.220 this is how much you pay for the bride's dress,

00:57:32.760 et cetera.

00:57:33.240 Right.

00:57:33.800 And then they'll give like gifts and then pay for the suit for the wedding,

00:57:36.980 et cetera,

00:57:37.360 small stuff like that,

00:57:38.400 which Islamically,

00:57:39.240 it's not incredibly,

00:57:39.800 it's not even said to do that,

00:57:40.800 is it?

00:57:41.020 Yeah.

00:57:41.860 This is in Hindu tradition.

00:57:43.420 Yeah.

00:57:43.540 Yeah.

00:57:43.740 Exactly.

00:57:44.280 Yeah.

00:57:44.400 But they're buying like furnitures and everything.

00:57:47.460 They'll buy like cars and stuff sometimes.

00:57:49.360 For the groom.

00:57:50.820 For the groom.

00:57:51.480 They exchange for the groom.

00:57:52.220 Yeah.

00:57:52.500 They bought a car for my sister's husband.

00:57:54.660 Oh,

00:57:54.900 that's mad.

00:57:55.480 Yeah.

00:57:55.740 You know,

00:57:56.400 you know.

00:57:56.760 Don't get any ideas.

00:57:58.080 That was married Bambali sisters.

00:58:01.320 Trust me,

00:58:01.880 you can't handle Bengali sisters,

00:58:03.060 man.

00:58:03.180 They're meant for some of them.

00:58:04.180 I'll tell you that much.

00:58:05.340 No,

00:58:05.540 I'm joking.

00:58:06.440 Cut that out.

00:58:07.100 Please cut that out.

00:58:08.360 Please keep that in.

00:58:09.600 But Alhamdulillah,

00:58:10.480 listen,

00:58:10.860 do you know why?

00:58:11.560 Don't get any ideas,

00:58:12.480 guys.

00:58:12.740 My brother-in-law is a Quran-i-hafiz.

00:58:15.480 Mashallah.

00:58:16.060 He's paying for his kids' private Islamic school.

00:58:19.320 So Alhamdulillah,

00:58:20.300 my dad saw his qualities

00:58:21.520 and that's why my dad did that.

00:58:22.840 That's what you call a man.

00:58:23.780 Do you understand?

00:58:24.240 That's what you call a man.

00:58:24.800 He is,

00:58:25.660 the way he's bringing up his kids,

00:58:27.300 Subhanallah,

00:58:28.660 he's a Quran,

00:58:29.180 my Bambali is a hafiz.

00:58:31.720 Quran-i-hafiz,

00:58:32.740 he's learning hadiths.

00:58:34.840 Bambali means nephew.

00:58:36.320 Oh,

00:58:36.580 okay.

00:58:36.900 Yeah.

00:58:37.400 My sister's daughter.

00:58:38.360 I thought he mentioned somebody's name.

00:58:39.440 I was like,

00:58:39.720 yeah.

00:58:40.140 Sister's son.

00:58:41.500 So basically,

00:58:42.660 that's why my father saw a quality in me.

00:58:45.940 Okay,

00:58:46.120 and that's what you need

00:58:46.800 because when you die,

00:58:47.800 your wedding,

00:58:48.500 your cars,

00:58:49.020 your this,

00:58:49.220 it's gone.

00:58:49.780 Imagine having a son-in-law

00:58:51.420 who's encouraging your kids to,

00:58:53.180 Aki,

00:58:53.720 we don't,

00:58:54.060 they don't care about it.

00:58:55.000 Brother,

00:58:55.260 you know my dad.

00:58:55.680 They don't care.

00:58:56.920 If somebody came and said,

00:58:57.740 yeah,

00:58:57.920 they don't even ask him,

00:58:58.900 do you pray?

00:58:59.840 What do you,

00:59:00.760 what job do you have?

00:59:02.040 How much do you earn?

00:59:03.440 But guys,

00:59:04.040 quickly,

00:59:04.360 we need to wrap up

00:59:04.820 because we need to speak about

00:59:05.700 number one,

00:59:06.660 marital disputes,

00:59:07.780 how you guys deal with marital disputes.

00:59:08.800 Yeah,

00:59:09.040 I just want to say before my,

00:59:10.240 because my brother-in-law will watch this.

00:59:11.860 I don't want to praise him in front of him.

00:59:14.120 No,

00:59:14.240 you should,

00:59:14.560 but you know what?

00:59:16.280 When my dad's deathbed,

00:59:17.940 my dad said to my brother-in-law,

00:59:21.600 you're the oldest,

00:59:22.500 you look after these a lot,

00:59:23.480 like an older brother.

00:59:24.560 So he's doing so much,

00:59:26.180 subhanAllah,

00:59:26.840 because without him,

00:59:27.520 bro,

00:59:27.680 I'm the oldest,

00:59:28.560 next oldest.

00:59:29.780 He's doing so much for us.

00:59:31.140 It's unbelievable.

00:59:32.500 You understand?

00:59:32.900 May Allah bless him

00:59:33.720 and his family.

00:59:34.880 You understand?

00:59:35.100 He did so much.

00:59:36.600 Because you know,

00:59:37.060 my situation gave me so much trauma.

00:59:40.480 I literally got off marriage and stuff.

00:59:42.340 You understand?

00:59:42.640 Because look,

00:59:43.460 without nothing,

00:59:44.160 I got a tag on me.

00:59:45.220 Because in Bengali culture,

00:59:46.500 if you're married and you're finished,

00:59:48.280 you got a tag on you.

00:59:49.360 It's like,

00:59:49.740 look frowned upon.

00:59:51.420 I didn't even want to.

00:59:52.940 Yeah,

00:59:53.200 this is the other issue.

00:59:53.780 Brother,

00:59:54.200 you know,

00:59:54.980 I built a separate house.

00:59:56.400 I didn't want to get into marriage.

00:59:57.660 I built a separate house

00:59:58.920 in my house,

01:00:00.240 in the garden.

01:00:01.580 I built a separate house

01:00:02.500 so I can have a separate,

01:00:03.660 private time.

01:00:05.580 The guest house.

01:00:06.540 Yeah.

01:00:06.760 Like a guest house.

01:00:07.880 So I don't want to get into mortgage

01:00:09.380 or anything like that.

01:00:10.960 I planned.

01:00:12.080 And then this happened.

01:00:13.700 This was,

01:00:14.100 this got dropped on me.

01:00:15.600 And my situation,

01:00:16.960 it happened so,

01:00:18.580 so quick.

01:00:19.720 Like I said,

01:00:20.540 it was done like

01:00:21.900 within six,

01:00:23.040 seven days.

01:00:23.840 And it came,

01:00:24.800 she was here.

01:00:25.340 I didn't even spend one minute

01:00:27.000 with her,

01:00:27.600 literally.

01:00:28.640 And I don't blame her.

01:00:29.940 She's a good girl.

01:00:30.860 Look,

01:00:31.160 I want to make this clear

01:00:32.320 because if they watch this,

01:00:33.880 I,

01:00:34.340 one thing I want to say,

01:00:35.060 she's very quiet.

01:00:36.120 She's a good girl.

01:00:36.840 I don't blame her at all.

01:00:38.180 She blames me

01:00:38.960 because she said it to me.

01:00:41.020 She blames me.

01:00:42.060 It's not your fault.

01:00:43.120 But I can't explain it to her

01:00:44.600 because my language

01:00:45.540 and her language,

01:00:46.400 we don't,

01:00:46.900 she can't,

01:00:47.380 she don't even understand me.

01:00:48.780 And she blames me,

01:00:50.060 but I just want to say,

01:00:51.000 I don't blame her.

01:00:52.200 And it's a qadr of Allah.

01:00:53.420 And I'm sorry what happened.

01:00:56.160 I wish I couldn't go back in time.

01:00:57.800 It's not your fault.

01:00:58.380 And I could erase this.

01:01:00.380 It's not your fault.

01:01:01.620 It's not your fault.

01:01:02.700 How do you guys deal with

01:01:03.780 marital disputes?

01:01:05.220 So in your culture,

01:01:06.540 if there's marital disputes,

01:01:08.080 does the family in-laws

01:01:08.800 get involved straight away?

01:01:10.540 Does,

01:01:10.860 like,

01:01:11.140 how does it work?

01:01:12.380 I want to know.

01:01:13.140 From my experience,

01:01:14.580 again,

01:01:16.580 from what the kids have seen

01:01:17.500 from their parents,

01:01:18.620 they could also be conditioned

01:01:19.480 to have this,

01:01:20.540 I call it,

01:01:21.340 bizarre mentality.

01:01:22.200 Like everything has to be

01:01:23.420 with families getting involved.

01:01:24.320 Every little thing,

01:01:25.260 you know,

01:01:25.480 family sit down.

01:01:27.780 And unfortunately,

01:01:28.700 I've yet to see

01:01:29.400 an amicable divorce take place

01:01:30.880 where people's true colours

01:01:32.440 come out,

01:01:33.140 one divorce take place.

01:01:33.840 So one family wants to

01:01:35.080 diss the other one

01:01:35.640 and spread rumours

01:01:37.000 that, yeah,

01:01:37.400 they were the problem.

01:01:38.980 So again,

01:01:40.000 it's a cultural thing

01:01:41.020 where don't follow the deen,

01:01:42.500 don't backbite,

01:01:43.020 don't slander.

01:01:44.120 Unfortunately,

01:01:44.580 it gets pretty messy.

01:01:46.040 So if you guys,

01:01:47.020 imagine like a couple,

01:01:48.160 you guys have a marital dispute.

01:01:49.500 Do you get your in-laws involved

01:01:51.320 and they get involved,

01:01:52.000 do they stay away?

01:01:53.120 Because at certain cultures,

01:01:53.980 like the Somali culture,

01:01:54.880 the in-laws usually say,

01:01:56.060 listen,

01:01:56.360 just you guys deal with it yourself,

01:01:58.660 et cetera.

01:01:59.240 So they discourage,

01:02:00.820 you know,

01:02:01.100 trying to get involved.

01:02:02.240 Is it the same with you guys?

01:02:03.300 No.

01:02:03.960 Tell us,

01:02:04.380 please,

01:02:04.560 can you tell us?

01:02:04.860 It gets involved.

01:02:06.120 Like the parents will get involved,

01:02:07.800 the siblings will get involved.

01:02:09.440 That's it.

01:02:10.240 Not the siblings,

01:02:11.720 outside families

01:02:12.540 are getting involved as well.

01:02:13.820 It depends on case by case basis.

01:02:15.680 Usually with Bengali,

01:02:16.920 Bengali culture,

01:02:18.160 depends how bad the dispute is.

01:02:20.040 Like if it's a divorce dispute,

01:02:22.120 it usually goes to the parents

01:02:23.140 or the elders of the community.

01:02:24.820 So like,

01:02:24.940 Religious get involved basically.

01:02:26.280 Yeah,

01:02:26.560 basically a lot of people get involved.

01:02:28.780 And the problem with that is like,

01:02:30.260 it's always one-sided.

01:02:31.860 If,

01:02:32.340 you know,

01:02:32.620 let's say I get married,

01:02:33.620 right?

01:02:33.820 And I want to divorce my wife.

01:02:35.540 If I tell my parents,

01:02:36.360 we have like a little intervention,

01:02:38.260 right?

01:02:38.560 It's going to be one-sided for me,

01:02:39.760 isn't it?

01:02:40.260 Do you know what I mean?

01:02:40.680 Saying,

01:02:40.980 oh,

01:02:41.120 she's in the wrong,

01:02:41.780 this and that.

01:02:42.420 It's never amicable.

01:02:43.620 This brother's right.

01:02:44.640 I've never seen a Bengali divorce

01:02:45.980 happen like in okay manners.

01:02:48.360 It's always been like,

01:02:50.340 I'd say the women.

01:02:51.140 She's going to say like,

01:02:52.240 so,

01:02:52.620 when,

01:02:54.700 when I was married,

01:02:55.900 my in-laws went in calm

01:02:58.500 because my ex-husband

01:02:59.640 was basically an orphan.

01:03:01.740 It was just my mom.

01:03:03.200 And if I,

01:03:03.680 but if I would ever come to her

01:03:05.220 and tell her like,

01:03:05.800 we're having this dispute,

01:03:07.340 she would always blame me.

01:03:08.520 She'd say like,

01:03:09.240 what are you doing?

01:03:09.980 Like,

01:03:10.200 are you cooking for him?

01:03:11.500 Are you cleaning?

01:03:12.160 Are you like,

01:03:13.040 making sure that he's okay?

01:03:14.060 I'm like,

01:03:14.500 no,

01:03:14.780 like he's actually in the wrong.

01:03:17.140 Like,

01:03:17.640 but she wouldn't understand that.

01:03:18.940 She,

01:03:19.140 she'd be like,

01:03:20.140 just bear it.

01:03:21.320 Just bear it.

01:03:21.960 Just tolerate it.

01:03:23.360 And don't ever like,

01:03:25.100 come to a point of like divorce

01:03:26.720 because what are people going to say?

01:03:28.340 And,

01:03:28.620 but then I'm telling her,

01:03:29.260 but I'm miserable.

01:03:29.800 I'm depressed in this marriage.

01:03:30.980 I don't,

01:03:31.120 I don't want to be in this marriage

01:03:32.500 because he's,

01:03:33.720 he's not giving me my rights.

01:03:35.840 She's like,

01:03:36.360 it doesn't matter.

01:03:37.160 It doesn't matter.

01:03:38.200 You've made your choice

01:03:39.260 because I kind of,

01:03:39.940 I married outside of my culture.

01:03:41.740 She,

01:03:41.960 it was like a,

01:03:43.060 it was really difficult.

01:03:44.480 But,

01:03:44.700 she was like,

01:03:46.060 you chose,

01:03:46.540 you basically chose to marry

01:03:48.120 outside of your culture.

01:03:49.440 You made that decision.

01:03:50.500 So you're going to have to

01:03:51.700 put up with it

01:03:52.540 because if you get a divorce,

01:03:54.980 people,

01:03:56.020 people are,

01:03:56.820 you know,

01:03:57.340 people,

01:03:57.740 what are people going to say?

01:03:58.500 Basically,

01:03:59.100 basically.

01:04:01.060 So it's really difficult.

01:04:02.620 But one would always,

01:04:03.460 always blame me.

01:04:04.400 Like you're not doing it.

01:04:05.060 There's this mindset

01:04:05.600 where once you're married,

01:04:06.640 sorry,

01:04:07.940 once you're married,

01:04:08.800 you're set for life basically.

01:04:10.280 And there's kids involved,

01:04:11.420 like you're almost like

01:04:12.360 forced to stay that marriage,

01:04:13.360 however toxic it is.

01:04:15.040 And sometimes the older generation

01:04:16.420 don't understand that.

01:04:16.980 It's actually more toxic

01:04:17.640 for the children

01:04:18.140 to witness a toxic relationship.

01:04:20.400 Yeah.

01:04:20.620 So once kids involved,

01:04:21.380 it's like,

01:04:21.720 no,

01:04:21.880 you've got to stay in this mind

01:04:22.580 for the sake of the kids.

01:04:24.200 There is like,

01:04:24.860 we had Robert Gabriel Romani

01:04:26.000 and we talked about this as well.

01:04:27.240 It is good to a certain extent

01:04:29.820 that divorce is not something

01:04:31.860 that is accepted that easily.

01:04:33.820 It is good

01:04:34.360 because in today's time,

01:04:35.660 divorce is happening

01:04:36.040 for the most ridiculous reasons.

01:04:37.360 It's crazy.

01:04:38.700 So it's good that you have it,

01:04:40.200 but I think it's toxic.

01:04:41.980 It becomes toxic

01:04:42.980 because yes,

01:04:43.920 it should be discouraged.

01:04:45.000 You're not getting divorced.

01:04:46.280 But it is an alchemist in Islam.

01:04:48.880 You know,

01:04:49.020 the other extreme where it's like,

01:04:50.100 yeah,

01:04:50.260 you have a little dispute,

01:04:51.860 yeah, divorce.

01:04:52.720 People,

01:04:53.140 so yeah.

01:04:54.160 People nowadays though,

01:04:55.200 like South Asians,

01:04:55.960 they'll get divorced

01:04:56.520 over the littlest thing.

01:04:57.400 You're right,

01:04:57.620 there's two extremes

01:04:58.260 where like,

01:04:59.020 you know,

01:04:59.220 there could be physical abuse involved,

01:05:00.940 but the other side like,

01:05:02.160 oh,

01:05:02.360 like he's not giving me what I want

01:05:03.500 or she's not giving me what I want,

01:05:04.720 oh, divorce,

01:05:05.240 that's,

01:05:05.480 I'm mixing it down.

01:05:06.340 The problem in this generation

01:05:07.320 is we have too much options.

01:05:09.140 There's so much options.

01:05:10.140 That's why divorce is so frequent.

01:05:11.940 Do you know what I mean?

01:05:12.580 If I can also say,

01:05:13.420 I've yet to see,

01:05:14.440 again,

01:05:15.140 when I say divorce,

01:05:15.820 take place properly,

01:05:17.020 like the proper procedure,

01:05:18.360 there's a reason why Allah's

01:05:18.920 given us three divorce,

01:05:19.640 right?

01:05:19.980 Yes.

01:05:20.400 So one talaq,

01:05:21.360 have separation,

01:05:22.300 time to think,

01:05:23.440 give it three,

01:05:23.840 four months,

01:05:24.460 and then more often than not,

01:05:26.620 they both realize that

01:05:27.340 they miss each other,

01:05:28.320 right?

01:05:29.180 You can get married again,

01:05:30.900 but go through the full process.

01:05:32.440 Say you've given your best shot.

01:05:33.880 Usually after the first divorce,

01:05:35.020 halas,

01:05:35.360 that's it,

01:05:35.640 it's over.

01:05:36.640 The guy moves on,

01:05:37.320 but then he realizes

01:05:37.780 he's got feelings for his ex,

01:05:38.980 so on and so forth.

01:05:39.940 Everything's rushed.

01:05:40.940 Nothing's like taking time.

01:05:42.100 I'll say one thing as well.

01:05:46.180 I don't think I've come across,

01:05:47.840 it's very rare for me to see

01:05:49.080 like the old generation

01:05:50.040 of Bengalis

01:05:50.760 being happily married.

01:05:52.800 That's how bad it is.

01:05:54.260 Like,

01:05:54.500 from my personal experience,

01:05:55.580 it might be different,

01:05:56.260 but like generally,

01:05:57.540 the mother and like father,

01:05:58.880 they're not actually in love

01:05:59.820 with each other.

01:06:00.440 Yeah.

01:06:00.560 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:06:01.080 Like it's actually,

01:06:01.820 when you think about it,

01:06:02.520 it's crazy, right?

01:06:04.160 This is trauma for us.

01:06:05.160 Yeah,

01:06:05.600 we see that,

01:06:06.240 we think,

01:06:06.600 okay,

01:06:07.240 is a marriage supposed to be like this?

01:06:08.360 We think this is an example,

01:06:09.140 is this the example of marriage

01:06:10.660 I'm not going to say who,

01:06:11.860 but my friends and stuff,

01:06:13.220 like I've seen,

01:06:13.720 like,

01:06:13.840 you know,

01:06:14.340 their parents just don't love each other.

01:06:15.640 They care for each other,

01:06:16.440 they do the necessities,

01:06:18.020 but,

01:06:18.200 yeah,

01:06:19.320 yeah,

01:06:19.460 no,

01:06:19.680 exactly.

01:06:20.760 But,

01:06:21.020 but what I'm saying is like

01:06:22.240 the older generation,

01:06:23.140 the divorce rates are lower.

01:06:24.360 It's because they tolerate each other.

01:06:26.260 Whereas the younger generation,

01:06:27.400 they know,

01:06:27.920 at the same time,

01:06:28.520 they might think they know their worth,

01:06:29.720 so they need to divorce.

01:06:30.980 Do you know what I mean?

01:06:31.700 It's,

01:06:31.940 it's tricky because there's a,

01:06:32.900 The thing is,

01:06:33.560 I do admire that,

01:06:35.300 like to an extent where it's like,

01:06:36.560 they are very,

01:06:37.200 like,

01:06:37.380 the thing is that we have this attitude there,

01:06:39.620 like,

01:06:39.980 yes,

01:06:40.280 love should be there,

01:06:41.180 like,

01:06:41.300 nobody should oppress Allah,

01:06:42.720 but,

01:06:43.920 it's not just about that,

01:06:45.640 there's also mercy,

01:06:46.580 Allah talks about rahmah,

01:06:47.340 rahmah,

01:06:48.160 you know,

01:06:48.460 to one another,

01:06:49.300 you know,

01:06:49.540 you need to understand if the puff diminishes,

01:06:51.360 where's the rahmah?

01:06:52.500 So the thing is,

01:06:53.240 there's an ayah in the Quran,

01:06:54.060 Allah talks about this,

01:06:55.020 so it's not,

01:06:55.580 we have this Disneyland Hollywood thing,

01:06:57.840 where like,

01:06:58.500 it has to be,

01:06:59.280 it doesn't,

01:06:59.860 that's not the reality,

01:07:00.540 and we teach this,

01:07:01.340 we think that,

01:07:02.720 this is a reality.

01:07:03.800 Now,

01:07:03.880 this doesn't mean you are harsh to your wife,

01:07:05.440 et cetera,

01:07:05.720 but it might be a point where you've married for 15,

01:07:08.000 20 years,

01:07:08.600 of course,

01:07:09.220 you're going to come and just,

01:07:10.260 you know,

01:07:10.420 every time,

01:07:10.800 yeah,

01:07:10.880 I love you,

01:07:11.480 et cetera,

01:07:12.180 it doesn't happen,

01:07:13.880 it should happen,

01:07:14.640 but that shouldn't be a reason of divorce,

01:07:16.120 and we live at a time,

01:07:17.540 I call it the Amazon Prime Flex,

01:07:19.440 which is,

01:07:20.000 I go to Amazon,

01:07:20.860 it comes,

01:07:21.340 I don't like it,

01:07:21.820 I'll send it back,

01:07:22.780 and we carry this attitude to our friends,

01:07:24.940 our family relationships,

01:07:26.520 even our spouses,

01:07:27.660 I don't like something,

01:07:28.600 I send you back.

01:07:30.260 But,

01:07:30.600 I was going to say,

01:07:31.640 generally,

01:07:33.060 I feel like,

01:07:34.280 I don't know,

01:07:35.240 maybe I'm speaking from like a biased point of view,

01:07:38.340 I do feel like women do,

01:07:39.820 but like,

01:07:40.320 they don't want to,

01:07:41.540 in our culture,

01:07:42.320 they don't want to get that divorce,

01:07:43.760 because I was like that as well,

01:07:44.820 I didn't want to get divorced,

01:07:46.180 even though I was super like depressed in that marriage,

01:07:48.180 I didn't want to get divorced,

01:07:48.980 because I was like,

01:07:50.400 oh my god,

01:07:50.700 I'm going to be a divorcee in society,

01:07:52.840 like,

01:07:53.080 what are people going to say,

01:07:54.620 I'm never going to be able to like,

01:07:55.940 find,

01:07:56.080 the stigma that's true.

01:07:56.740 Yeah,

01:07:57.080 so,

01:07:57.600 that's why a lot of women,

01:07:59.160 like,

01:07:59.600 in our culture specifically,

01:08:01.520 stay within the marriage.

01:08:03.700 I think generally,

01:08:05.400 in a marriage,

01:08:05.900 women are more trapped than men,

01:08:07.900 right?

01:08:08.300 I mean,

01:08:08.580 men's the,

01:08:09.100 they've got the financial sort of stability

01:08:11.120 to divorce the woman.

01:08:12.520 Specifically in our culture speaking.

01:08:13.740 In our culture,

01:08:14.460 yeah,

01:08:14.680 more so than.

01:08:15.520 If I can say,

01:08:15.920 I really agree with what you're saying,

01:08:17.040 I think there's two extremes,

01:08:18.300 where divorce is,

01:08:20.640 you know,

01:08:21.400 taken too easily,

01:08:23.080 and then,

01:08:23.980 at the same time,

01:08:24.580 a lot of tolerance.

01:08:25.080 It's about the middle ground.

01:08:26.840 There's a lot of qualities to be admired

01:08:27.880 from the other generation.

01:08:29.000 The whole thing about,

01:08:29.920 it takes a village to raise a child,

01:08:31.800 yeah?

01:08:32.200 That's forgotten.

01:08:33.960 Things like,

01:08:34.600 you know,

01:08:34.800 tolerance,

01:08:35.720 making an effort,

01:08:36.840 giving it time,

01:08:37.800 what has forgotten?

01:08:38.360 It's just like I said,

01:08:38.940 just Amazon thing.

01:08:41.580 There's good things and bad things,

01:08:43.080 you know?

01:08:43.300 I think that's a good quality.

01:08:44.440 There's bad points and negative points.

01:08:45.400 There is a good quality.

01:08:46.100 You can move on with the times.

01:08:47.260 Because the thing is,

01:08:48.120 yeah,

01:08:48.280 because statistics show that,

01:08:49.940 and we've known from our dean,

01:08:50.820 that women initiate divorce.

01:08:52.460 If it was up to you guys,

01:08:53.160 you guys would divorce us every day.

01:08:55.080 I mean,

01:08:56.440 it makes sense

01:08:57.040 because we are like,

01:08:58.240 I'm washed.

01:08:58.780 Exactly.

01:08:59.200 So that's the reason why

01:09:00.120 I think the dynamic kind of works.

01:09:02.260 I'm not talking about the toxic level,

01:09:03.680 but the dynamic of divorce being frowned works

01:09:05.520 in a sense where,

01:09:06.720 and this is what Gabriel Romani said,

01:09:07.560 which I agree to a certain point,

01:09:09.740 not that if you're in an abusive marriage

01:09:11.280 where the guy is hitting you,

01:09:12.340 not giving you a right.

01:09:12.840 That's the difference.

01:09:13.360 Islam has given you a right

01:09:14.160 to get divorced.

01:09:15.100 However,

01:09:16.080 we're living in a time

01:09:16.760 where people are initiating divorce

01:09:17.780 for the most ridiculous reasons.

01:09:19.840 So that stigma

01:09:20.640 is good

01:09:22.340 from that perspective,

01:09:24.020 that

01:09:24.200 the fact that

01:09:25.780 it's frowned upon

01:09:26.760 and that you guys need to

01:09:27.640 think about it.

01:09:28.780 Yes,

01:09:29.100 because if you guys are more prone

01:09:30.820 to initiate it,

01:09:32.720 it's good that you have

01:09:33.900 some sort of a

01:09:34.840 concern of

01:09:36.080 if I do,

01:09:37.240 but not to the level

01:09:38.240 where you're abused

01:09:39.280 and your rights are violated

01:09:40.700 that you're staying there.

01:09:41.440 I'm not talking about that.

01:09:42.740 It makes you,

01:09:43.520 I think it keeps

01:09:44.200 females in check

01:09:46.020 in that aspect

01:09:47.020 because that is your weakness.

01:09:48.440 I get what you're saying.

01:09:50.300 I kind of,

01:09:51.140 yeah.

01:09:51.580 I get what you're saying,

01:09:52.280 but there's also,

01:09:53.340 it comes down to

01:09:54.120 emotional intelligence

01:09:55.120 on the woman's chart.

01:09:57.320 Like,

01:09:58.460 sorry,

01:09:58.820 I lost my train of thought.

01:09:59.740 You were going to say something.

01:10:00.540 No,

01:10:00.700 it's okay.

01:10:01.120 I have to say something.

01:10:01.780 I can remember

01:10:02.840 I went to a talk once

01:10:03.520 where I literally went blank

01:10:05.000 and I was looking at everyone

01:10:05.960 and I didn't know what I'm talking about.

01:10:09.080 I totally forgot everything.

01:10:10.280 So it happens.

01:10:10.800 But one thing,

01:10:11.500 one thing that I'll recommend

01:10:12.940 everybody here as well,

01:10:13.900 do your morning and evening.

01:10:16.160 I'm telling you,

01:10:16.720 because I never used to do it

01:10:17.680 and shaitan attacks

01:10:18.940 in different ways.

01:10:19.540 Yeah.

01:10:19.680 So if you remember,

01:10:20.460 let us know,

01:10:20.820 sister,

01:10:21.000 inshallah.

01:10:21.340 And it's totally normal.

01:10:22.300 Trust me,

01:10:22.640 it happened to Mike.

01:10:23.540 Remember Mike?

01:10:24.480 Yeah,

01:10:24.760 Michael's years ago,

01:10:25.280 it happened.

01:10:25.500 So it's totally normal.

01:10:28.320 Quickly say it.

01:10:30.060 Right now.

01:10:31.040 Because we're going to end

01:10:31.700 in about a couple of minutes.

01:10:33.260 Basically,

01:10:33.740 what I want to say is,

01:10:34.480 my mom,

01:10:35.160 I know what she did for me.

01:10:37.820 I know she had

01:10:38.600 all the good intentions

01:10:39.600 in the world.

01:10:40.100 She did not do this

01:10:41.680 to like hurt me

01:10:43.100 or anything like that.

01:10:44.500 I know that.

01:10:45.260 She did it for my benefit.

01:10:46.940 I don't blame her

01:10:48.060 like that at all.

01:10:50.180 I know she blames me

01:10:51.460 because for ending it.

01:10:53.020 But I know inside,

01:10:54.540 my mom did this for me.

01:10:56.200 She thought it would be,

01:10:57.060 she thought she knew

01:10:58.280 what is best for me.

01:10:59.800 Not,

01:11:00.120 not I,

01:11:00.820 what I know,

01:11:01.500 what is best for me.

01:11:02.300 She didn't,

01:11:02.960 I don't know why

01:11:03.980 she didn't let me choose.

01:11:05.540 Do you understand?

01:11:06.460 She,

01:11:07.160 she said,

01:11:07.840 you had enough time.

01:11:09.480 So that's it.

01:11:10.640 It's like,

01:11:11.200 I had an expiration date.

01:11:12.460 You're getting old.

01:11:13.880 No one's going to accept you.

01:11:15.140 You're the oldest in the family

01:11:16.200 and things like that.

01:11:17.420 So basically,

01:11:18.000 I know I'm going back

01:11:18.700 a little bit

01:11:19.120 because I,

01:11:19.800 because look,

01:11:20.200 if my mom sees this,

01:11:21.260 I want her to know clearly.

01:11:22.920 I know she did this

01:11:24.400 for my benefit

01:11:25.140 and I don't blame her.

01:11:26.780 I know,

01:11:27.040 I know.

01:11:27.400 I don't blame her.

01:11:28.580 And yeah,

01:11:29.480 you know the situation.

01:11:29.960 I know,

01:11:30.220 I know how much you love your mom.

01:11:31.160 Trust me,

01:11:31.520 auntie.

01:11:32.020 Yeah,

01:11:32.340 he's been in the house.

01:11:33.420 He knows my mom,

01:11:34.120 my dad,

01:11:34.520 he's been to my dad's janazah.

01:11:35.900 He knows everything.

01:11:36.600 So he knows anyway.

01:11:38.100 Yeah.

01:11:38.500 Okay,

01:11:38.760 guys,

01:11:38.960 we need to wrap up

01:11:39.640 because we was going to talk

01:11:40.820 about the divorce.

01:11:41.520 We talked about divorce,

01:11:42.200 how it's initiated.

01:11:43.740 And just in a nutshell,

01:11:45.920 when it comes to divorce,

01:11:47.460 you guys just want two families talk

01:11:48.680 and is there anything

01:11:51.680 that we're missing

01:11:52.120 in the culture?

01:11:52.960 That they implement

01:11:53.660 because they were talking about,

01:11:54.920 oh,

01:11:54.940 you have to give us this land

01:11:55.900 or that land.

01:11:57.000 Is that what happens

01:11:57.540 in divorces?

01:11:58.440 So you can't get divorced

01:11:59.400 until you give some kind

01:12:00.080 of money or land.

01:12:01.240 Why is this a bank,

01:12:01.960 bruv?

01:12:03.460 No,

01:12:03.780 no,

01:12:03.940 no.

01:12:04.640 I wouldn't say specifically

01:12:06.520 with divorces,

01:12:07.580 the land has to be split.

01:12:08.880 That's not common,

01:12:09.480 is it?

01:12:09.920 So let's say if I marry a wife,

01:12:11.420 marry someone,

01:12:11.980 right?

01:12:12.560 And let's say some land

01:12:14.200 has been passed down

01:12:14.800 from my dad to me.

01:12:15.960 When I'm divorcing that person,

01:12:18.220 I don't have to give her

01:12:18.820 a lot,

01:12:19.140 right?

01:12:19.740 What's the Bengali approach?

01:12:21.040 I don't think so.

01:12:21.900 I don't think you'd have to give it,

01:12:23.660 but she will ask for it.

01:12:25.080 Right,

01:12:25.380 I see.

01:12:25.960 Yeah.

01:12:26.380 Would you say that's a

01:12:27.300 combination?

01:12:28.920 Is that a combination?

01:12:29.980 Oh,

01:12:30.440 right,

01:12:30.680 okay.

01:12:31.060 I'm going to express it.

01:12:31.880 A family member of mine

01:12:33.180 has actually experienced that.

01:12:36.000 Okay,

01:12:36.420 I think any last words

01:12:37.760 we need to wrap up?

01:12:38.340 Just quickly,

01:12:39.020 like,

01:12:39.100 you know,

01:12:39.260 all these discussions

01:12:39.900 of relationships,

01:12:40.680 divorce and stuff,

01:12:41.340 no one speaks about

01:12:42.080 the ultimate goal,

01:12:42.740 Jannah.

01:12:43.680 So,

01:12:44.300 and this is like,

01:12:44.760 you know,

01:12:45.060 my rights,

01:12:45.680 his rights.

01:12:46.560 This life is short,

01:12:47.540 man.

01:12:47.880 Like,

01:12:48.120 you know,

01:12:48.600 have a bit of tolerance,

01:12:49.480 get through it.

01:12:50.400 Unless,

01:12:50.700 as you said,

01:12:50.980 it's a really bad,

01:12:51.860 abusive relationship,

01:12:52.680 fine,

01:12:53.020 you know,

01:12:53.240 get people involved

01:12:54.140 and go your separate ways.

01:12:55.300 But no one speaks

01:12:56.380 about the ultimate goal.

01:12:57.520 And because of the lack of that,

01:12:58.700 it's like,

01:12:59.000 get up and leave.

01:13:00.460 Yeah,

01:13:00.880 that's the thing,

01:13:01.580 bro,

01:13:01.660 that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam

01:13:02.180 said nations will come together.

01:13:03.620 And why?

01:13:04.160 Because Allah will take the fear

01:13:05.380 out of the enemies

01:13:06.100 from their heart

01:13:06.860 and put the love of the dunya.

01:13:08.560 And that's what it is,

01:13:09.160 bro.

01:13:09.380 How many people are driven

01:13:10.600 of Jannah?

01:13:11.600 We're going to,

01:13:12.000 we want to enter Jannah.

01:13:13.320 That's not even a factor.

01:13:14.720 And when that's not a factor,

01:13:15.740 bro,

01:13:16.060 if you don't have

01:13:16.700 as you go,

01:13:17.940 your goal is going to be what?

01:13:19.280 Dunya.

01:13:19.800 Your calculations and decisions

01:13:21.080 are going to be based on the dunya.

01:13:22.360 I just remembered what I was going to say.

01:13:24.040 Sorry?

01:13:24.500 I just remembered what I was going to say.

01:13:25.360 So I was talking,

01:13:27.400 you were talking,

01:13:28.340 because I've seen you mention it

01:13:29.500 on your podcast a lot

01:13:30.440 where you were saying statistics

01:13:32.460 say that women are more likely

01:13:34.040 to divorce the husband.

01:13:36.420 And I get where you're coming from

01:13:37.500 because from the point of the fact

01:13:39.700 that we are emotional being,

01:13:41.340 but I was also going to say

01:13:42.400 it comes down to like

01:13:44.380 emotional intelligence

01:13:45.460 on the woman's part.

01:13:47.160 Like,

01:13:47.400 let's say your husband

01:13:48.380 stole something to upset you.

01:13:50.240 You talk to yourself like,

01:13:51.580 what am I upset about?

01:13:52.840 Is this necessary?

01:13:53.860 Is it necessary for me to like,

01:13:55.900 you know,

01:13:56.340 blow it out of proportion?

01:13:58.060 So it's down to the woman.

01:13:59.640 And yeah,

01:14:01.060 I was going to say also,

01:14:02.120 marriage is,

01:14:03.260 it's not based on love.

01:14:05.240 It's based on a commitment,

01:14:06.320 just like salah.

01:14:07.380 Sometimes we don't feel our salah.

01:14:09.560 Sometimes we don't feel

01:14:10.560 that connection with Allah.

01:14:12.220 But we continue to praise

01:14:13.780 because we make that commitment

01:14:15.680 to Allah.

01:14:16.580 And it's like that in your marriage.

01:14:18.040 Like,

01:14:18.740 if I had to like compare it

01:14:20.320 to a relationship,

01:14:21.220 it's me and my sister.

01:14:22.240 Like,

01:14:22.780 we have arguments and disputes

01:14:24.580 here and there.

01:14:25.080 We always come together

01:14:26.440 and we,

01:14:27.760 you know,

01:14:28.080 we saw it out

01:14:28.680 and we make that commitment

01:14:29.600 to each other

01:14:30.160 that no matter what

01:14:31.640 the situation is,

01:14:32.920 whether we argue,

01:14:33.800 whether we've said something

01:14:35.060 to hurt somebody,

01:14:36.500 either of us,

01:14:37.960 we come together

01:14:38.600 and we solve it

01:14:39.300 because I'm committed

01:14:40.480 to you

01:14:41.380 regardless of,

01:14:43.140 regardless of whatever.

01:14:45.140 And it's the same

01:14:46.080 with any relationship

01:14:47.280 in your life,

01:14:48.140 whether that's marriage

01:14:48.780 or your relationship

01:14:49.420 with your family

01:14:50.020 or your sister.

01:14:51.320 Specifically,

01:14:52.000 also,

01:14:52.500 if there's a relationship

01:14:54.180 with Allah,

01:14:54.940 you're committed.

01:14:56.320 It doesn't matter

01:14:56.980 if you don't feel it,

01:14:58.000 you're committed.

01:14:58.380 Exactly.

01:14:58.840 And that's what it is.

01:14:59.900 It's,

01:15:00.200 you know,

01:15:00.660 do you want to say something?

01:15:01.600 Yeah.

01:15:02.240 Quickly, guys.

01:15:03.420 Yeah,

01:15:03.840 I was just going to say,

01:15:04.600 I think I've seen it

01:15:05.260 too many times

01:15:05.840 in this generation,

01:15:07.220 people think love is everything.

01:15:08.740 Love isn't everything.

01:15:09.820 Just because you love

01:15:10.660 a girl or a guy,

01:15:11.380 if they're not practicing,

01:15:13.140 what does it matter?

01:15:14.320 Love isn't anything.

01:15:15.320 We grew up watching

01:15:15.880 a lot of Bollywood movies.

01:15:17.280 Even now,

01:15:18.300 even now,

01:15:18.840 like the whole thing

01:15:19.400 we see in social media

01:15:20.240 is like,

01:15:20.900 oh, like,

01:15:21.420 you know,

01:15:21.640 love is the most important thing.

01:15:23.280 Emerson House can be worth it.

01:15:24.220 Most important thing

01:15:25.320 is finding someone

01:15:26.200 who's practicing

01:15:26.780 or at least wants to practice.

01:15:28.300 Love is a secondary thing

01:15:29.440 compared to everyone else.

01:15:30.700 Forget about how rich

01:15:31.580 that person is.

01:15:32.480 It's about what they have

01:15:33.520 in their heart for Islam.

01:15:35.120 You know,

01:15:35.260 that's what I go based off,

01:15:36.700 you know?

01:15:37.260 I feel like eventually

01:15:38.320 love grows anyway

01:15:39.440 throughout the marriage.

01:15:40.380 It's true.

01:15:40.860 It's true.

01:15:41.140 As long as there's not hatred,

01:15:42.400 yeah?

01:15:42.660 And what do you define as love?

01:15:43.920 What the hell is love?

01:15:44.760 I come home with bloody balloons

01:15:46.540 and flowers every day.

01:15:48.040 No, love is not always

01:15:49.020 just like branches.

01:15:50.580 See, that's what I'm saying.

01:15:51.340 What is it?

01:15:52.360 Nobody knows.

01:15:53.120 Nobody can even put...

01:15:53.840 They're chasing someone

01:15:54.620 and they don't know what it is.

01:15:55.500 There has to be sacrifices

01:15:56.360 like looking after,

01:15:57.420 you know,

01:15:57.740 like the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam

01:15:59.060 said,

01:15:59.560 the one who looks after

01:16:00.800 two daughters

01:16:01.500 and brings them up,

01:16:02.240 et cetera.

01:16:02.900 Where is the aim of doing that?

01:16:04.160 I don't love her.

01:16:06.240 Therefore,

01:16:06.600 I'm going to leave her.

01:16:07.800 Actually,

01:16:08.080 the whole dynamic of the marriage,

01:16:09.600 her,

01:16:10.220 your kids,

01:16:11.180 are you kidding me?

01:16:12.240 You're going to leave her

01:16:12.860 because of,

01:16:13.440 oh,

01:16:13.580 I don't love her anymore.

01:16:14.600 Social media as well.

01:16:15.600 It's crazy.

01:16:16.580 It's a lot of comparison.

01:16:17.420 Social media couples

01:16:18.300 showing their good parts

01:16:20.000 and the negative parts.

01:16:21.580 We talked about that.

01:16:22.820 Responsible social media couples.

01:16:24.260 We've done a video about this.

01:16:25.660 Can I add one last thing?

01:16:26.800 Quickly, sister, please.

01:16:27.420 I think the root cause

01:16:28.400 of majority divorce

01:16:29.920 is you're not educating

01:16:30.980 these young men

01:16:32.280 and women

01:16:33.060 about how a marriage works.

01:16:34.960 You're not educating

01:16:35.780 both genders

01:16:36.740 that you're both competing.

01:16:38.120 Don't worry, sister.

01:16:38.720 That's the reason why

01:16:39.440 I'm working on an app

01:16:40.920 because of this.

01:16:42.240 And Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala

01:16:42.940 is my witness.

01:16:43.480 Wallahi al-Azeem, you're like,

01:16:45.740 the reason,

01:16:46.500 because you know why?

01:16:47.560 Because people do not know

01:16:48.900 the dynamics.

01:16:49.680 The reason,

01:16:50.040 you know this show

01:16:50.600 has helped me so much

01:16:51.340 in my marriage

01:16:51.780 because I understand

01:16:52.800 from a female's perspective

01:16:53.780 and I'm like,

01:16:54.560 wow,

01:16:54.840 I've been doing something wrong

01:16:56.060 in my house

01:16:56.480 and I incorporate

01:16:57.500 and change that, bro.

01:16:58.520 It helps me

01:16:59.200 and inshallah,

01:17:00.020 you guys at home,

01:17:00.640 it helps you

01:17:01.080 and the aim is that

01:17:02.400 we want to help people

01:17:03.560 into the marriage seeking process

01:17:05.360 and marriage itself

01:17:06.320 because we don't understand

01:17:07.640 each other's dynamics.

01:17:08.520 They're a whole different being.

01:17:09.440 That's why we have

01:17:09.900 a whole different being.

01:17:11.460 Exactly, exactly.

01:17:12.460 So inshallah,

01:17:13.440 brothers and sisters,

01:17:14.060 our aim with this show

01:17:14.900 is exactly this.

01:17:16.420 We don't want marriages to end.

01:17:17.620 We want marriages to work,

01:17:18.460 inshallah.

01:17:19.520 Divorces, of course, halal,

01:17:21.000 but it comes with consequences.

01:17:22.760 So inshallah,

01:17:23.480 it helps you guys at home.

01:17:25.220 I learned so many things

01:17:26.420 about the Bengali culture

01:17:27.100 and like we said before,

01:17:29.400 we're not seeing

01:17:29.700 every single Bengali

01:17:30.460 like this,

01:17:30.840 the Bengali culture as a whole,

01:17:32.200 but there's a lot of things

01:17:33.000 to be working on

01:17:33.440 and it shows the lack of Tawheed,

01:17:35.280 us going back to Islam

01:17:36.620 and that's it,

01:17:38.160 brothers and sisters.

01:17:38.740 May Allah bless our Bengali,

01:17:39.560 brothers and sisters,

01:17:40.120 for coming here.

01:17:41.020 I've learned a lot

01:17:41.880 and may Allah bless you guys

01:17:43.180 at home inshallah.

01:17:44.020 Till next time,

01:17:44.660 Assalamualaikum

01:17:45.240 wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.

01:17:47.020 Brothers and sisters,

01:17:47.820 just imagine for a second

01:17:48.640 that you give £10 in donation

01:17:50.080 and that £10 is used

01:17:51.460 to buy food or bricks

01:17:53.160 or whatever

01:17:53.520 to help the people in Gaza.

01:17:55.060 But then just imagine

01:17:56.140 this amazing thing

01:17:57.080 that you want to do,

01:17:58.000 but we turn it into

01:17:58.920 a money-making machine.

01:18:00.480 How?

01:18:01.220 The waqf is exactly that.

01:18:02.940 They take your money

01:18:03.800 and the money that we

01:18:05.260 are going to put in

01:18:06.020 in this waqf,

01:18:06.620 this building

01:18:07.080 and every single time

01:18:09.080 the money generated

01:18:10.480 from that waqf,

01:18:11.520 that building

01:18:11.960 is going to go

01:18:13.260 to our Palestinian brothers

01:18:14.320 and sisters

01:18:14.720 for the next 20,

01:18:15.960 30,

01:18:16.640 40,

01:18:17.180 50,

01:18:17.780 60,

01:18:18.300 100,

01:18:18.800 150 years

01:18:19.820 and this will be

01:18:20.680 a form of true

01:18:21.820 Sadaqah Jariah.

01:18:23.160 I myself

01:18:23.860 will be donating

01:18:24.940 for that inshallah.

01:18:26.220 Click the link below

01:18:27.040 and donate.

01:18:27.860 May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala

01:18:28.580 bless and preserve you guys.

01:18:30.020 We will together

01:18:30.720 inshallah

01:18:31.160 see the day

01:18:32.240 when Palestine will be free.

01:18:34.200 Assalamualaikum

01:18:34.800 wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.

01:18:36.300 commission

01:18:50.020 Could be in Jesucr

Ali Dawah - November 29, 2023

BENGALI MARRIAGE, WEDDING & DIVORCE - EP 18 ｜｜ BITTER TRUTH SHOW

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