BIGGEST MISTAKE NEWLY WEDS MAKE - EP 27 ｜｜ BITTER TRUTH SHOW
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 19 minutes
Words per Minute
215.68045
Summary
In this episode, we have a special guest, Brother Sartaj, who shares his perspective on the topic of whether or not newlywed couples should have kids. He shares his experience with his wife and how she handled the situation and how he dealt with it.
Transcript
00:00:00.000
When you have a child, everything will change, your priorities will change, the urgency of situations will change, you'll have to take precedent for your child over other things.
00:00:06.120
I think a lot of people sort of fail to understand that. It comes with growth and maturity, so you need a few years to sort of adapt to marriage life.
00:00:11.600
When we're ready to have kids, you're never ready to have kids. You're never ready to have kids. When you have kids, Allah puts everything in place.
00:00:17.200
You know, there's a lot of things that men are very ignorant about when it comes to having a baby, and so they really do need to prepare for that because you shouldn't place all the responsibilities on the woman.
00:00:26.640
The man will become less attracted to his wife after she's given birth.
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The effort you made if you knew one another before marriage, don't stop that even after having kids.
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Like we mentioned, postnatal depression, postnatal psychosis. Now postnatal psychosis brings on symptoms that many people think that woman is now possessed.
00:00:47.320
Because a lot of men don't like when the woman puts the child before them. I don't know why they have a problem with that.
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We feel lonely. He's like, but she said this. And how could she say that, bro?
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Guys, you look at this grown man who's like a tank. He will beat up four guys. And he's crumbled.
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When your wife is telling you something about your child.
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And she's going against the people who are giving you advice. I would say, listen to her.
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I know a lot of people who, where the man continues to feel like a ghost in his own house. He's done everything he can to provide, to be there for his wife and the kids, right?
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And he still feels neglected. It's been two, three years, maybe even more. And the wife's still not giving him attention.
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Sometimes, even when she mentions, by the way, I'm pregnant. Please make sure your reaction is not, Alhamdulillah.
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Not that there's nothing wrong with it, but you know it's like, oh, okay.
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They go a bit weird on the wife. She's acting different. She's doing this. She's doing that.
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The thing is, this is like, they don't even understand what she's going through.
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There is a sense of freedom in not having a child.
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If you want to enjoy freedom, then they shouldn't get married, shouldn't they?
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As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh, brothers and sisters and dear friends.
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Hope you guys are well, inshallah. Welcome to another episode of The Bitter Truth Show.
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Before I start, I want to praise Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, the most merciful, the most just, or praise His glory and gratitude belong to Him.
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If you guys want to be a part of the show, be a participant, a guest, you can.
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Please apply on the, you'll probably see it on the screen, thebittertruthshow at gmail.com.
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Wherever you are, inshallah, or whatever background, you can come and have your input.
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So, today's topic is going to be something interesting, in the sense where, when do you believe,
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so the question will be out there, is that, when do you guys believe that newlywed couples should have kids?
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That's the topic at hand. I have my own take on it, but I'll come to that later.
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But, yeah, so we have some new guests. We've got Brother Sartaj, who's a regular, may Allah bless him, inshallah.
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He's been coming here with his wife, and now he's coming here today himself, may Allah bless him.
00:03:03.460
He's helping me, he's going to help me on a diet plan, but he's, I've sent him my weight, but I need to send him a few more details here.
00:03:15.220
Sorry, yeah, my name is Arman. I teach at recitewithus.com, and I also own a registered charity, acromaid.org.
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We've got Brother Mahdi, who's a regular, no introduction needed.
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We've got Sister Farzana, who is also a regular.
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So, yeah, let's get straight into it, inshallah.
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So, obviously, we've got people who are married here.
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So, in a nutshell, let's open the topic at hand, inshallah.
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When do you guys believe couples should have kids?
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Sister, let's start with Sister Farzana, inshallah.
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If it's, yeah, because I think you, tell us a bit about what you do.
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So, there's a few modalities I use when I work with sisters.
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So, my take on that is it depends on the couple themselves.
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But at the same time, saying that, it's, because obviously the way,
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it depends on the way the marriage came together and how it all happened.
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But I would say about two years it takes to kind of get to know each other.
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And get your footings and how it depends on the situation.
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But ideally, I believe so, in my opinion, is two years.
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Give it two years and then, you know, you'd have to learn on how to bring up a child
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Because it's obvious most people would have gone into a marriage learning about
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how to live with someone and be a married couple.
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I've heard two years a lot of places, but I don't know.
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Let me say, I think, yeah, like, a first year should be knowing each other
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when you get married, about knowing, getting that relationship strong.
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So, a lot of people, what they do when they get married,
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as soon as there's, like, a mission for them to have kids.
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Because maybe they get married too late and they're thinking the first thing
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No, you need to have connection with your wife.
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So, first year should start knowing each other, then plan having kids.
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So, that'd be, like, another nine months having kids.
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And the thing is, like, the connection with your wife is very, very important
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because after pregnancy, when she has a baby, you need to know.
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There's a lot of things comes with the pregnancy as well because you've got
00:06:04.500
But because if you don't know your wife, you don't know she's having these problems.
00:06:08.140
So, I think, yeah, like, two years, like, first year, knowing each other,
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So, both of you are in a strong position to look after the baby
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and connect with the baby and connect as a family.
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So, yeah, alhamdulillah, I've got a four-year-old at the moment.
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And then my first three things was, do I have enough resources to start a family?
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And then the other thing was, my parents, they're really old.
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So, I wanted my child to have that love of a grandparent.
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And I just wanted to be, when he's at the age of playing sports,
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So, those were the things that I looked at first.
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But then now, looking back on it, I think that the connection between me
00:07:06.420
Because after giving birth, her negativity towards me, for example,
00:07:16.000
And that, and how he perceived marriage as well.
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And that's something that I didn't think about beforehand.
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And that's definitely something I would reconsider next time I had a child,
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So, I agree with Farzana's point as well, with, when you have a kid,
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But I think the biggest thing, along with having a connection with your wife,
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is to sort of understand your priorities will change.
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When you first get married, there's a honeymoon phase.
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Go on a holiday, you're sort of spending on each other.
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You'll have to take precedent for your child over other things.
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I think a lot of people sort of fail to understand that.
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So, you need a few years to sort of adapt to marriage life.
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Understand that, you know, you're saving for a kid to eventually come along.
00:08:06.280
And then everything will sort of fall into place after that.
00:08:08.980
So, a few years is probably best appropriate, I think.
00:08:13.840
And everyone goes, like, a lot of people, what they say is, do,
00:08:21.960
When you have kids, Allah puts everything in place.
00:08:25.060
Like, when I had my kids, alhamdulillah, everything just worked out perfectly.
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And when I was holding my daughter the first time, I thought,
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And the mother is already to take that role as a mother.
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So, don't ever, like, plan things that are, you know,
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we can have kids when we save a certain amount of money or buy this house or anything like that.
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The thing is, is just having a family is a big, big blessing that we should focus on
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and support and promote for other brothers and sisters to start that off and do it in the right way.
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So, I'm a midwife and I think it just comes down to if you both know what your priorities are
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and if you both are ready for it, especially in terms of the man,
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if he is capable of doing, you know, his duties as a father and helping her out
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because when she's done, she will be, she could be sick, she could, again, postnatal depression,
00:09:37.620
So, you know, you just both have to have that conversation beforehand.
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It's almost like before you're getting married, you have to have serious talks before you get married.
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you have to really think of all different situations you could be placed in
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But again, I think it also comes down to when you're ready.
00:10:02.360
Some women really do want to be mothers and they really want to get that, you know, the ball rolling.
00:10:08.240
And I think it's up to, you know, to her and the man when they're ready and it shouldn't be time limited.
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Well, again, I told you, like some women, they, you know, yearn to be mothers
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and as soon as they get that opportunity, they want to get it started.
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So, you know, she will know when she's ready and it's just, I would say it's more on the man to prepare himself
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because, you know, there's a lot of things that men are very ignorant about when it comes to having a baby.
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And so they really do need to prepare for that because you shouldn't place all the responsibilities on the woman.
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I know from my culture, you know, the men always expect the women to do most of the mothering and most of the parenting.
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But for your child to have the best of upbringing, I would say the man has to also prepare himself to, you know, do his bidding and do his part.
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Sorry, sis, I want to ask you, you're a midwife.
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So the thing is, do you think in most of the cultures, a lot of men don't know about postnatal depression?
00:11:16.620
Yeah, many things as well, not just postnatal depression.
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There's a lot of complications that can happen.
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Sorry, can you get the mic a bit closer so people can hear clearly?
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Because Marjali, you've got some very vital points that brothers should hear.
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You know, there's a lot of complications, not just postnatal depression.
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There's psychosis, there's, you know, health issues.
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Again, things could go seriously wrong during birth, even sometimes death.
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And so the man really, really has to think about these things.
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Absolutely. There's a lot of preparation that goes into it and you can't just go on again.
00:11:50.240
And this is my personal point that we don't talk about this situation a lot.
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The thing is, we think that our baby is going to be born and that's it.
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And we don't realise what the woman goes through, through all these things and that that she has to go through.
00:12:03.300
And I think in our community, we need to talk about these situations a lot.
00:12:08.520
Because I've known a lot of brothers that have babies and stuff and they go a bit weird on their wife.
00:12:17.360
She's acting different. She's doing this. She's doing that.
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The thing is, this is like, they don't even understand what she's going through.
00:12:24.100
So this is a thing we need to talk about a lot.
00:12:31.160
You know, this is something that's very possible in happening.
00:12:33.800
And again, like the man could think it's on her and this is how she's acting out or how she's behaving.
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There is a thing called psychosis, which you have to look out for and you have to help your wife with and also recognise it as well.
00:12:51.560
Also recognising postnatal depression, you know, that's also a spectrum.
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It's not just, you know, seeing her being upset or crying.
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It could really be a mental struggle and she won't talk to you about it.
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But it's on you as a husband to realise and see the signs.
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But this is why I say, like, the connection is very, very important.
00:13:13.340
If you don't know that you don't have that connection with your wife, you won't be able to read her.
00:13:20.620
And that's why I say that connection with your wife is very important because my wife had postnatal depression and I picked up on it straight away.
00:13:30.480
And she used to, like, have bad thoughts and all sorts of things.
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But it was my job being there for her at that time.
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And this is like, that's why I say having kids need to have that connection with your wife first to have the understanding if she's going through something bad or you're going through something bad, you know, you can understand each other's body language.
00:13:55.980
It's very, very important because sometimes we don't talk about things.
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Sometimes we're doing something wrong, but we don't even know that we're doing something wrong.
00:14:02.960
So it's your job for your partner to pick that up.
00:14:05.660
So that's why it's important for the man to mature and understand his sort of responsibilities as a husband and a father before he just sort of even wants to get married, to be honest with you.
00:14:16.240
The big problem I've been seeing quite a lot is the man will become less attracted to his wife after she's given birth.
00:14:25.640
So obviously when a woman gives birth, like, things will change about her.
00:14:29.960
And a lot of men, they'll sort of fall into that category where, oh, like, she's not attracted to me.
00:14:37.000
Some men won't even sleep in the same room as her anymore and expect her to sort of deal with it.
00:14:42.960
I personally had a totally opposite reaction because she was more attracted to me because she was mother of my kids now.
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So that kind of brought her even more close to me.
00:14:54.280
I've heard a few stories, but I think that's kind of backward mindset.
00:14:59.420
But personally, if a woman who carries your child, you have a child with, and what she goes through, giving birth to that child, you have more love for her.
00:15:19.620
I don't know if you have the whole topic on it about being there when she's giving birth, etc.
00:15:22.480
Obviously, there were some brothers I don't want to mention who were like, you know, and I understand.
00:15:26.080
I understand for those who don't want to be there.
00:15:27.940
There is, I'm talking about those who are balanced in the sense where they're like, listen, it can affect my connections very intimately together.
00:15:37.480
That is valid because you're seeing that it can be graphic for some people.
00:15:40.880
For some men, if they're like, you know what, I do, understandable.
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But this doesn't necessarily, like, for example, I've been, like, my two daughters, like, three of them.
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It doesn't necessarily mean you have to see everything that's happening.
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I personally, it was a moving moment for me because it was, I'll be honest with you.
00:15:58.540
Like, it's, to me, it might sound strange, but my last, when I had the new baby, when she was born, the first thing was weird.
00:16:05.740
The first thing that came to my mind was, and this might sound a little bit crazy, but it was like, I understand why people end up in hellfire.
00:16:11.580
And you might be like, what's that going to do with anything?
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When I looked at the whole, the whole birth happening, etc.
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I was like, how could anybody know this process?
00:16:27.380
My close family members who do not believe persistently.
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I just had this thing in my heart where I was like, you know what?
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Whoever it is for that matter, you deserve hellfire.
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Because for you to see this miraculous thing happen in front of your eyes, and this baby is born, yeah?
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It was just, but before that, it was just a moment.
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It just, it really makes you, it gets you emotional.
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For the brothers who are in the red pill, like, sorry, we don't follow your nonsense and your rhetoric.
00:16:58.620
And again, I accept fully men who don't want to be there.
00:17:02.900
But for men who have this little boy syndrome of, I'm the man and I'm going to be there,
00:17:11.500
Maybe we should have a whole topic on that issue because to educate men, we should have
00:17:15.160
a whole topic just on that topic because a lot of men are ignorant about it.
00:17:20.280
But there's a verse we want to talk about because we were talking about a prophet that
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Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says in the Quran, so it's chapter 17, verse 28, Surah Isra.
00:17:28.840
But if you must turn them down because you lack the means of, lacks to give, while hoping
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to receive your Lord's bounty, then at least give them a kind word.
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And do not be so tight-fisted for you will be blameworthy.
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So don't be extra charitable where you're left with nothing.
00:17:48.360
So Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is saying be balanced.
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Now I'm going to be telling you why I'm mentioning this.
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It says, surely your Lord gives abundant, your Lord gives abundant or limited provision
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He is certainly all aware, all seeing of his servants.
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Do not kill your children for the fear of poverty.
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Sometimes people, obviously we know in the time before Islam came, the mushrikeen used
00:18:16.620
If you read the tafsir, sometimes it's the, you need to understand as men, we have
00:18:22.300
Even if you're giving your daughter in hand to get married, there's that little inside
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One of those reasons was that because if we go to war and they take our females and
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they're going to do whatever, dishonor kind of attitude, even though it's not their fault.
00:18:39.140
But also people used to kill their children because of poverty.
00:18:41.620
Allah's telling you, and this issue here, if you think about it, it's a matter of
00:18:46.620
How could you think, okay, I'm not going to have kids because I can't provide for
00:18:53.980
Look, I understand that we have to work as men, et cetera.
00:18:57.240
And then there are single mothers who have to be the father and the mother.
00:19:00.120
But who has given you this impression as if you are the sole provider?
00:19:09.780
He goes, bro, any time I would have a child, a blessing comes in my life, bro.
00:19:16.120
But he goes, bro, I will look out to my income and my outgoings.
00:19:21.340
He goes, I'm looking at my income and my outgoing is more, but I'm just, it's just flowing.
00:19:26.600
So the point is Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is the one that blesses.
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When it comes to this issue of, but I'm poor, but et cetera, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala will enrich.
00:19:35.060
Now coming to the issue of having kids at two years, like you guys were talking about it.
00:19:39.700
I think it's very important as well to understand that men are in check.
00:19:42.700
I think a lot of sisters need to maybe educate their husbands about this issue because, you
00:19:49.060
And like my mom says, not every mother that gives birth becomes a mother for that matter.
00:19:54.900
So the reason I'm trying to blow up this topic is because we are living in different dynamics.
00:20:01.160
We, we can come across somebody who's got a full beard.
00:20:04.600
Every second word is alhamdulillah, subhanallah, la ilaha illallah.
00:20:09.680
And he's got Quran under his left arm and he's got a foe, but you don't know who you're marrying.
00:20:14.620
The reason I wanted to put the bar of two years, I don't know what you guys' reasons is,
00:20:18.000
is that the person you're marrying could be an absolute iblis.
00:20:21.220
Like that would, and, and, and now the issue is when you're married, you have a connection,
00:20:31.880
Like for example, I don't think you would, you, you was divorced.
00:20:34.520
I don't think you would ever regret having a child.
00:20:37.760
I know many brothers never, they would say I would marry the same iblis just for this beautiful
00:20:45.600
And some people are, they've got so many issues going on, bro.
00:20:48.420
And I personally, I've been like being told, and many people have told me that the two
00:20:52.440
year mark is where you would know what somebody is about.
00:20:57.300
Like, would you not agree that that two year mark is fundamental because to protect yourself
00:21:02.840
And because once it's, it's devastating, I know brothers who are in, sisters, I've heard
00:21:07.460
of stories as well, of course, with men who are careless, who don't even look after their
00:21:11.060
children, but I've heard of brothers in situations where they are married to very, very evil
00:21:16.920
And now they can't even see their kids, by the way, because let's look at it from a man's
00:21:20.280
perspective, because from a man's perspective in the society that we're living in, women
00:21:30.120
Some of them, like, I've heard stories of suicide, they cannot see their kids.
00:21:35.280
So I specifically say to men, because of that, because not seeing your child is devastating,
00:21:41.980
So would you guys agree from that perspective that we should have a good two years?
00:21:48.460
I think having the two year mark is very vital.
00:21:51.180
Firstly, because communication is key in a relationship.
00:21:54.900
I feel like, especially with, you know, people that have arranged marriages, there's that
00:21:59.480
kind of distance in being comfortable talking to your partner.
00:22:03.840
And having that two year mark where, you know, you travel together, you spending time
00:22:08.360
together builds that kind of comfortable aspect in your marriage.
00:22:14.860
And then with that aspect, you're able to talk to your partner.
00:22:18.400
And within those two years, there can be a million things you can talk about, you know.
00:22:24.480
And when you talk about, you know, when you have family planning, and you're talking about
00:22:28.840
having a baby, you can talk about arising issues that there are within society, and, you
00:22:33.680
know, just in relationships in general as well.
00:22:35.860
So with that, building that communication is very vital as well, because then I believe
00:22:43.920
And the family that you come into, it takes effort from both sides, not just the woman, not
00:22:48.800
just the man, I feel like it's an effort from both sides, because ideally, you're both,
00:22:53.660
you know, going into each other's families, you're meeting each other's parents, you're
00:22:59.800
So I think that two year mark is very vital in order to build your communication with another
00:23:06.080
I think we can all agree that sort of the question of when to have kids, it's all situational,
00:23:13.580
The reason I said two years is because for me personally, I know I'll have that connection
00:23:17.080
with my wife by then, we'll have the honeymoon, we'll go on holidays and stuff.
00:23:21.320
I know I want to settle down by, you know, a certain age.
00:23:23.960
That's a target for me as well, because if I'm not ready in two years after marriage,
00:23:34.180
Would you guys say, to say two years is something, we can generalise it, in the sense, I believe
00:23:42.880
The only issue we would have, if I'm not mistaken, is that, okay, is there, two years is a,
00:23:51.440
So I would say, the only issue we have is, you need to understand, the sisters, biologically,
00:23:57.340
their time is ticking when it comes to a certain age.
00:24:01.480
Which maybe we can, if there's a difference between this matter, but again, I understand
00:24:04.840
with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, all things are possible.
00:24:08.780
The reason I'm saying that is because there might be a sister in her 30s or late 30s,
00:24:12.260
because there are statistics that show that her chances of conceiving do dramatically
00:24:16.020
Again, in Allah's hands, all things are possible.
00:24:18.080
You can be 40, 45, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala wills it, it will happen.
00:24:23.920
But if that sister who's, let's say she's 34, 35 years old, she marries a brother who's
00:24:29.200
maybe, I don't know, in his 30, 35, 40, he can have kids till he's 70, 80.
00:24:34.640
Now she's like, okay, look, I don't want to wait two years.
00:24:37.120
I was coming from that angle, sister Farzana, before misunderstanding, but you can correct
00:24:41.000
me still if there's any, like, I didn't mean it in that way.
00:24:43.360
But again, it's a reality, which I have to stick to the reality, which is the biological
00:24:46.440
clock for a woman, it's more limited than a man's.
00:24:50.200
Scientifically, but with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, all things are possible.
00:24:54.280
I've had women who are 55 years old having babies, so the biological clock, it's a generalization
00:25:02.860
of women, and it is a thing, it definitely is a thing, you can't have a baby past 60.
00:25:08.140
I mean, if Allah has blessed you with that, then alhamdulillah.
00:25:11.160
But, you know, the biological clock, after 33 years old, you're just called geriatric.
00:25:18.940
It just means you're, you know, you're mature, like your uterus, if you really want to get
00:25:28.020
into it, your female reproductive system is a lot more aged, so you're a lot more high
00:25:33.500
risk, that's all it means, but you are still in your childbearing years.
00:25:37.880
Okay, so we do agree that, look, if Allah wills it, like you said, you're a midwife, 50
00:25:42.200
years old, 100%, but exceptions do not make the, we're saying generally, what I mean by this,
00:25:47.260
by the way, I'm not getting into the whole biological, I'm seeing a sister who's in
00:25:50.420
her late 30s, or mid 30s, who marries a guy, and that guy says, listen, I want minimum two
00:25:56.660
free years, to her, that's free years, she's thinking, I'm 34, I'm going to be 37, I'm
00:26:01.000
talking from those dynamics, just to give clarity, I'm not trying to bring the whole
00:26:03.320
thing of the biological thing, I'm saying, what would you say to that sister, because
00:26:07.440
sister's going to be like, I don't want to wait, I've been waiting 30, like this many
00:26:09.900
years, and now you're telling me to wait another two free years, how would we find the
00:26:12.920
middle path, because to her, those two free years can be vital, for him, he's thinking,
00:26:16.600
look, I don't know you, I want to get to know you, I don't know who you are, do you
00:26:18.920
get what I'm saying, how would we balance that, that's where I'm coming from, because
00:26:22.000
we've agreed about the two year mark, but now we're dealing with a sister, who has a
00:26:26.540
right for a child, but now the guy's like, well no, I want to get to know you, I want
00:26:29.440
to go holiday, she's like, I don't want holidays, I want kids.
00:26:32.040
I think, I think she should wait, I think, again, it goes back to being prepared, both
00:26:38.540
sides should be prepared, she may want to rush it, and this is why I made the point
00:26:42.860
of this whole biological clock thing, it shouldn't really be on women's minds, I know it naturally
00:26:49.960
will be, but what I'm trying to say is that women should really have faith in themselves
00:26:55.280
and have faith in Allah, that, you know, that risk will happen for them, and they shouldn't
00:27:01.200
have this clock over their heads, really, because honestly, you've got, like, if you're 33 years
00:27:06.420
old, or if you're in your 30s, you've still got a good 10, 15 years of having a baby, so
00:27:11.680
if you're, you know, your partner's saying, let's wait two, three years, you shouldn't
00:27:16.680
fill this clock, like, at all, you should just, you know, think about things in life.
00:27:25.520
So, just to interrupt this, statistically, scientifically as well, women do have a biological
00:27:29.700
clock, I understand what you're saying with women shouldn't think about it to the point
00:27:34.040
where, you know, they want to have kids ASAP, I understand that, but, for example, I've
00:27:38.100
got, I've got a friend who's had a kid at the age of, like, I think it was 40 or something,
00:27:43.660
I can't remember, and their baby came out with, like, a lot of issues, genetic problems.
00:27:48.680
Exactly, so that's why women tend to want to have children at a younger age, because
00:27:52.920
they know they have that biological clock, so I think it's important to take both accounts,
00:27:57.720
sort of both cases, so you shouldn't rush into it, but you shouldn't delay it to the
00:28:03.760
Yeah, but the thing is, it's better to be safe than sorry, you know what I mean?
00:28:07.740
So, the thing is, if a woman is saying that, I haven't got that much time, I want to rush,
00:28:14.440
Especially in the long term as well, when you have it financially, emotionally.
00:28:18.760
Yeah, if you're going for two years, then surely you can make it more efficient, and then
00:28:23.040
work harder with each other to communicate better, and learn about each other in a quicker
00:28:27.540
span of time, if that's your goal at the end of the day.
00:28:34.240
I think the answer to your question is that this should have been a discussion that they
00:28:39.640
should have had prior to getting married, because you have to discuss these things, because
00:28:46.980
you can't just jump into a marriage and then say, okay, we'll discuss this later.
00:28:50.240
Because a lot of times, when a proposal comes, the individual might have been in a place
00:28:56.480
where they've been looking for someone for years and years, and all of a sudden, you
00:29:01.280
So, ideally, have these conversations prior to getting married rather than that.
00:29:05.860
You can, but let's put ourselves in the shoes of a sister who's 34 years old.
00:29:10.680
And obviously, we have the stigma as well with that, which they shouldn't.
00:29:14.320
Then we have the realities of our biology, again, with like, for example, when it was
00:29:18.660
Ibrahim, alayhi salam, was Ibrahim, alayhi salam's wife, where she was like, I'm barren.
00:29:23.580
For Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, all things are possible, 100%.
00:29:27.540
But it's just to obviously understand the reality as well.
00:29:29.920
So, keeping that in mind, now, they can have a discussion beforehand, but how is she going
00:29:33.700
to feel in a power dynamic where he's 40, he can have kids till he's 80?
00:29:38.040
She might be thinking, oh my gosh, this, that, et cetera, I'm already...
00:29:41.860
So, for him to say a couple of years, and she's thinking, it's been hard to find someone
00:29:46.060
who's a good man, now she's going to have to put up with that.
00:29:48.440
Because if he says, well, that's a no negotiable for me, she has no choice but to be like,
00:29:53.320
well, okay, but then, do you get what I'm trying to say?
00:29:55.260
I do get what you're trying to say, but if it was non-negotiable, then that should
00:30:01.820
Because you can't go into a marriage and then all of a sudden change everything and say,
00:30:05.620
no, I thought about it, but it's not right for me, so I'm going to...
00:30:09.980
A lot of sisters change their mind, don't they?
00:30:12.440
You'll have the initial conversation of when you want to have a child, this and that,
00:30:16.840
But people change their minds after they get married.
00:30:21.220
One thing I want to say, that people, like, when they're more older, like, in their 34,
00:30:24.960
when they're 40, they're more mature than younger people, so it might not even take
00:30:29.920
that long for them, because when they're younger, they make their mistakes, and when
00:30:34.500
you're younger, it takes you longer to know things, know about yourself.
00:30:37.560
When you're at that age, you're kind of more mature, so it might not even take that long
00:30:44.500
My friends had this exact situation you're talking about where he was planning to get
00:30:49.120
Like, she wanted to have a child by a certain age.
00:30:54.140
So after they discussed all the sort of marriage ceremonies, all of that, then they discussed,
00:30:58.160
oh, wait, when do you want to have a kid, by the way?
00:31:00.080
She said age of 26, but he said, I actually want to have it a bit later, because I want
00:31:06.100
And they end up not getting married after that.
00:31:10.160
If he thinks he's not ready for a marriage, why should he feel pressured into...
00:31:18.160
There is a sense of freedom in not having a child.
00:31:20.600
If he wants to enjoy freedom, then he shouldn't get married, shouldn't he?
00:31:22.840
No, no, you can have freedom in a marriage, but then some people are trapped when they're
00:31:28.500
If not a trap is a blessing, that's what we need to look at.
00:31:30.560
Yeah, but the man can see it as a trap, in the sense where he'll feel his social life,
00:31:37.900
What I'm saying is, he needs to overcome that before he just decides to have a kid.
00:31:42.400
If a man thinks like that, he's not a real man, because the thing is, having a family
00:31:54.960
So if a man thinks he's trapped and he's going to lose his freedom, then he should stay
00:31:59.940
The thing is, not every man is like you, that's the thing.
00:32:02.060
And Alhamdulillah, you've got a good mentality when it comes to having a family.
00:32:05.960
But a lot of men, they don't want to feel pressured into having a child.
00:32:09.080
They want to have a four, five years, three years, whatever it may be, then have a child
00:32:13.740
afterwards, maybe they're not doing well in their career.
00:32:16.140
Me as a 25 year old, I would not want to have a kid at this age, because mentally I wouldn't
00:32:21.740
I've got social life, I've got so much stuff going on, two, three jobs.
00:32:25.260
I wouldn't be able to handle a kid, because mentally I just wouldn't be prepared.
00:32:34.920
So let's say if I were to get married today, I'm 25, I'd give it...
00:32:42.780
So I'd give it a couple of years, so maybe 27, 28, around that.
00:32:45.820
The thing is, brother, look, what I want to say to you, that when you have kids, you think,
00:32:51.580
oh, you can't do anything, you've got so much going on.
00:32:57.420
I was doing three jobs, day and night, only two hours sleep.
00:33:04.700
And this is the mentality that people think that, oh, you can't do this, you can't do
00:33:08.920
that, I can't look after my kids, I can't give time to my wife.
00:33:17.380
So what if you've got a situation where a husband's become a father and he's not fit
00:33:26.560
But you're saying that he should just, with Allah's blessing, he should just do it.
00:33:30.280
The thing is, no one's ready to become a father.
00:33:32.780
But what about the people who, literally, when they get married, decide to have a kid
00:33:41.540
Like, not there for the child, not there for the wife.
00:33:43.840
Would you not want that man to mature first and then eventually have a child?
00:33:49.560
When you know when you can prioritise your child over your social life.
00:33:52.360
Well, when you have a child, you find maturity...
00:33:55.380
Prioritise your child over anything else, because that is the most important thing.
00:33:59.480
I think what Mehdi is saying, I think I kind of agree with both of you guys,
00:34:01.720
in the sense where, what Mehdi is saying, there are irresponsible men out there.
00:34:04.060
And let's be honest, there are a lot of irresponsible men out there, yeah?
00:34:07.320
For men, having a child is just, to them it's just an intimacy.
00:34:12.060
So there is a lot of irresponsible men out there.
00:34:13.860
And like Surtar said, these kind of men, well, again,
00:34:17.320
we blame the sisters a bit here in the sense as well.
00:34:19.380
As long as there's irresponsible men, why do you even pick this kind of man?
00:34:24.900
Sadly, the sisters make some choices that they shouldn't, you know.
00:34:27.320
Oh, he's a bad boy, yeah, okay, then deal with the bad, comes with it.
00:34:30.860
So the thing is, real men, like you said before,
00:34:32.780
in the sense where we'll give an exception to the rule with your friend.
00:34:34.760
For example, there might be specific reasons where he's delaying it.
00:34:36.980
But generally, a man who is getting married and does not want to have kids for a good,
00:34:43.080
Two and a half years, it's very reasonable, yeah?
00:34:47.260
If you're young and you're like 20s, et cetera, but I have no problem.
00:34:53.300
However, if you are going to get married, and in your head you're like,
00:34:57.740
I don't want to have kids for five years, this man, I would say alarm bells.
00:35:04.480
And a lot of the times which I've noticed in married couples as well,
00:35:07.740
the problem is greater in the head than it actually is.
00:35:10.240
I've noticed so many times where couples have issues, problems,
00:35:18.540
Everything, by the way, all our problems in this dunya goes back to our lack of Tawheed.
00:35:21.980
You have an issue in your head, and the problem is bigger in your head.
00:35:25.200
The reality you have in your head is not even the reality that's happening.
00:35:28.380
And then, when Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says, look, this,
00:35:30.480
I'll give you an example to my whole marriage, okay?
00:35:33.700
A specific issue that we had with me and my wife, and it was like, look, you know,
00:35:40.900
And you know how a woman can be emotional, and you need to understand that.
00:35:43.500
And I was like, look, it's not how you think it would be.
00:35:45.740
And then when it came to be, and it did happen,
00:35:49.680
I just gave her that look, and I was like, yeah?
00:35:52.480
Because sometimes we make problems, and it happens with me sometimes,
00:35:57.060
And then I'll be like, actually, you know, she had a point there.
00:36:01.980
But what the issue is, when I say it's a lack of Tawheed,
00:36:07.400
Allah made a way for you to have time for your kids.
00:36:11.300
what you have in your head is sometimes from shaitan.
00:36:15.300
You know when you're giving in charity, this happens a lot.
00:36:23.980
So it is, we take the trust of what Allah and His Messenger said
00:36:32.540
And a man, I believe, who is going to wait four or five years
00:36:43.940
The thing is, I want to put one point through that.
00:36:51.500
and the sister can't see having kids with this,
00:36:56.640
or the man can't see having kids with this woman,
00:36:59.140
this is a big thing that we need to keep an eye on.
00:37:01.500
Because the thing is, like, with me personally,
00:37:06.960
that was the only woman that I could see having a family with.
00:37:10.820
So this is a big thing that she needs to be the right person to have kids with.
00:37:26.560
but trying to be safe when you walk into this situation.
00:37:29.060
Could they put a facade on for a year and a half?
00:37:33.840
As in, they're like somebody totally different for like the first year and a half,
00:37:41.900
Yeah, well, the thing is, like, with birth stuff,
00:37:47.520
Because a lot of men don't like when the woman puts a child before them.
00:37:52.100
I don't know why they have a problem with that.
00:38:13.020
And then after this, me and my wife is at shopping.
00:38:16.200
And she's like, I need to get this for my other daughter and this one.
00:38:29.960
It's the mother instinct, which you're a midwife.
00:38:31.940
Yeah, I was going to say, like, some mothers, honestly,
00:38:38.540
They feel like they have to keep, like, you know,
00:38:42.600
But they still feel like the kid's not gaining weight.
00:38:49.600
And so, you know, have mercy when you see your wife
00:39:10.160
and every emotion she could possibly be feeling.
00:40:15.960
So that's, you know, pretty high on the spectrum
00:41:24.020
like, some men are very ignorant to this stuff.
01:18:58.340
As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.