Ali Dawah - BIGGEST MISTAKE NEWLY WEDS MAKE - EP 27 ｜｜ BITTER TRUTH SHOW

00:00:00.000 When you have a child, everything will change, your priorities will change, the urgency of situations will change, you'll have to take precedent for your child over other things.

00:00:06.120 I think a lot of people sort of fail to understand that. It comes with growth and maturity, so you need a few years to sort of adapt to marriage life.

00:00:11.600 When we're ready to have kids, you're never ready to have kids. You're never ready to have kids. When you have kids, Allah puts everything in place.

00:00:17.200 You know, there's a lot of things that men are very ignorant about when it comes to having a baby, and so they really do need to prepare for that because you shouldn't place all the responsibilities on the woman.

00:00:26.640 The man will become less attracted to his wife after she's given birth.

00:00:30.400 The effort you made if you knew one another before marriage, don't stop that even after having kids.

00:00:34.320 Like we mentioned, postnatal depression, postnatal psychosis. Now postnatal psychosis brings on symptoms that many people think that woman is now possessed. 0.72

00:00:42.240 Yeah, this is a big one in our community.

00:00:45.620 A lot of people need to listen to this.

00:00:46.380 Yeah, we're not, we're not.

00:00:47.320 Because a lot of men don't like when the woman puts the child before them. I don't know why they have a problem with that.

00:00:52.780 But a lot of men change.

00:00:54.720 We feel lonely. He's like, but she said this. And how could she say that, bro?

00:00:57.420 She's the closest person.

00:00:58.360 Guys, you look at this grown man who's like a tank. He will beat up four guys. And he's crumbled. 0.88

00:01:03.340 When your wife is telling you something about your child. 0.74

00:01:05.760 Oh yeah, 100%.

00:01:05.880 And she's going against the people who are giving you advice. I would say, listen to her.

00:01:10.760 100%.

00:01:11.000 I know a lot of people who, where the man continues to feel like a ghost in his own house. He's done everything he can to provide, to be there for his wife and the kids, right?

00:01:18.080 And he still feels neglected. It's been two, three years, maybe even more. And the wife's still not giving him attention.

00:01:21.940 Sometimes, even when she mentions, by the way, I'm pregnant. Please make sure your reaction is not, Alhamdulillah.

00:01:27.920 Not that there's nothing wrong with it, but you know it's like, oh, okay.

00:01:30.020 Are you sure?

00:01:30.700 Are you sure?

00:01:31.580 Okay, I need to go.

00:01:32.760 They go a bit weird on the wife. She's acting different. She's doing this. She's doing that. 0.99

00:01:36.900 The thing is, this is like, they don't even understand what she's going through.

00:01:39.560 There is a sense of freedom in not having a child.

00:01:41.520 If you want to enjoy freedom, then they shouldn't get married, shouldn't they?

00:01:43.300 No, no, you can have freedom in a marriage. 0.98

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00:02:12.280 As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh, brothers and sisters and dear friends.

00:02:15.220 Hope you guys are well, inshallah. Welcome to another episode of The Bitter Truth Show.

00:02:17.860 Before I start, I want to praise Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, the most merciful, the most just, or praise His glory and gratitude belong to Him.

00:02:22.800 If you guys want to be a part of the show, be a participant, a guest, you can.

00:02:26.580 Please apply on the, you'll probably see it on the screen, thebittertruthshow at gmail.com.

00:02:32.080 Wherever you are, inshallah, or whatever background, you can come and have your input.

00:02:35.920 So, today's topic is going to be something interesting, in the sense where, when do you believe,

00:02:43.560 so the question will be out there, is that, when do you guys believe that newlywed couples should have kids?

00:02:49.560 That's the topic at hand. I have my own take on it, but I'll come to that later.

00:02:53.900 But, yeah, so we have some new guests. We've got Brother Sartaj, who's a regular, may Allah bless him, inshallah.

00:02:59.180 He's been coming here with his wife, and now he's coming here today himself, may Allah bless him.

00:03:03.460 He's helping me, he's going to help me on a diet plan, but he's, I've sent him my weight, but I need to send him a few more details here.

00:03:08.720 I'm a bit late.

00:03:09.980 It's been a year.

00:03:10.640 It's been a year.

00:03:12.400 And we've got a new brother, inshallah.

00:03:14.260 Your name is, if we can have you.

00:03:15.220 Sorry, yeah, my name is Arman. I teach at recitewithus.com, and I also own a registered charity, acromaid.org.

00:03:25.140 So, yeah, that's on the side, to be honest.

00:03:28.480 Mashallah.

00:03:28.800 Yeah.

00:03:29.020 May Allah bless you, inshallah.

00:03:30.440 We've got Brother Mahdi, who's a regular, no introduction needed.

00:03:33.400 Alhamdulillah.

00:03:34.240 Mahdi, how old are you?

00:03:35.300 I'm 25.

00:03:36.200 25? Okay, mashallah, 25.

00:03:38.480 Good, alhamdulillah.

00:03:38.980 And we've got Sister Anamta, who is a regular.

00:03:42.380 We've got Sister Farzana, who is also a regular.

00:03:44.720 And we've got a new sister, Sister Anam.

00:03:46.960 Anam.

00:03:47.880 A-N-U? 1.00

00:03:48.880 A-M-U-N. 1.00

00:03:50.260 So, Anam. 0.61

00:03:50.980 Yes.

00:03:51.440 A-M-U-N. 1.00

00:03:52.560 Sister Anam, may Allah bless her, inshallah.

00:03:54.220 So, yeah, let's get straight into it, inshallah.

00:03:56.620 So, obviously, we've got people who are married here.

00:03:59.680 We've got people who are divorced here.

00:04:00.920 We've got single brothers.

00:04:01.900 Are you married?

00:04:02.540 I'm divorced.

00:04:03.700 Are you divorced?

00:04:04.260 Okay, no problem.

00:04:04.880 Alhamdulillah, yep. 0.65

00:04:05.440 People who have been divorced.

00:04:06.720 So, in a nutshell, let's open the topic at hand, inshallah.

00:04:09.820 When do you guys believe couples should have kids?

00:04:14.960 Like, when should they plan to have kids?

00:04:16.880 You know?

00:04:17.960 Sister, let's start with Sister Farzana, inshallah.

00:04:20.720 If it's, yeah, because I think you, tell us a bit about what you do.

00:04:24.720 Okay.

00:04:25.020 So, I'm a relationship coach and a therapist.

00:04:28.080 So, there's a few modalities I use when I work with sisters.

00:04:32.760 So, my take on that is it depends on the couple themselves.

00:04:38.900 Okay.

00:04:39.280 But at the same time, saying that, it's, because obviously the way,

00:04:44.380 it depends on the way the marriage came together and how it all happened.

00:04:48.820 But I would say about two years it takes to kind of get to know each other.

00:04:53.700 I was going to say that, yeah.

00:04:54.520 And get your footings and how it depends on the situation.

00:04:59.080 But ideally, I believe so, in my opinion, is two years.

00:05:02.740 Give it two years and then, you know, you'd have to learn on how to bring up a child

00:05:07.880 in the first place.

00:05:08.580 Because it's obvious most people would have gone into a marriage learning about

00:05:12.040 how to live with someone and be a married couple.

00:05:16.500 But, yeah, so, that's what I would say.

00:05:19.060 I've heard two years a lot of places, but I don't know.

00:05:21.060 Does anyone disagree?

00:05:22.260 Is there, yeah?

00:05:22.640 Let me say, I think, yeah, like, a first year should be knowing each other

00:05:27.980 when you get married, about knowing, getting that relationship strong.

00:05:32.520 So, a lot of people, what they do when they get married,

00:05:34.700 as soon as there's, like, a mission for them to have kids.

00:05:37.800 Because maybe they get married too late and they're thinking the first thing

00:05:41.380 they should do is have kids. 1.00

00:05:42.760 No, you need to have connection with your wife.

00:05:44.240 So, first year should start knowing each other, then plan having kids.

00:05:47.880 So, that'd be, like, another nine months having kids.

00:05:51.180 And the thing is, like, the connection with your wife is very, very important

00:05:54.640 because after pregnancy, when she has a baby, you need to know.

00:05:59.240 There's a lot of things comes with the pregnancy as well because you've got

00:06:01.980 postnatal depression, all sorts of things.

00:06:04.500 But because if you don't know your wife, you don't know she's having these problems. 0.53

00:06:08.140 So, I think, yeah, like, two years, like, first year, knowing each other,

00:06:12.600 then after that, plan to have a baby.

00:06:15.660 So, both of you are in a strong position to look after the baby

00:06:19.420 and connect with the baby and connect as a family.

00:06:23.120 So, yeah, alhamdulillah, I've got a four-year-old at the moment.

00:06:27.600 And basically, I got married.

00:06:30.080 And then my first three things was, do I have enough resources to start a family?

00:06:35.600 And then the other thing was, my parents, they're really old.

00:06:41.180 And I've seen, I never saw my grandparents.

00:06:44.760 So, I wanted my child to have that love of a grandparent.

00:06:48.500 And then the third thing was, I'm very sporty.

00:06:51.880 And I just wanted to be, when he's at the age of playing sports,

00:06:55.280 I wanted to be competitive with him.

00:06:56.540 So, those were the things that I looked at first.

00:06:58.860 But then now, looking back on it, I think that the connection between me

00:07:04.120 and my wife was much more important.

00:07:06.420 Because after giving birth, her negativity towards me, for example,

00:07:12.500 had an impact on how he perceived me as well.

00:07:16.000 And that, and how he perceived marriage as well.

00:07:19.340 And that's something that I didn't think about beforehand.

00:07:21.520 And that's definitely something I would reconsider next time I had a child,

00:07:26.480 to be honest.

00:07:26.900 So, I agree with Farzana's point as well, with, when you have a kid,

00:07:31.800 everything changes, right?

00:07:33.000 So, two years, I think, would be appropriate.

00:07:35.300 Depends on the circumstance.

00:07:36.980 But I think the biggest thing, along with having a connection with your wife,

00:07:39.920 is to sort of understand your priorities will change.

00:07:42.900 When you first get married, there's a honeymoon phase.

00:07:45.320 Go on a holiday, you're sort of spending on each other.

00:07:47.640 When you have a child, everything will change.

00:07:49.340 Your priorities will change.

00:07:50.760 The urgency of situations will change.

00:07:52.500 You'll have to take precedent for your child over other things.

00:07:55.080 I think a lot of people sort of fail to understand that.

00:07:57.760 It comes with growth and maturity.

00:07:59.720 So, you need a few years to sort of adapt to marriage life.

00:08:02.680 Understand that, you know, you're saving for a kid to eventually come along.

00:08:06.280 And then everything will sort of fall into place after that.

00:08:08.980 So, a few years is probably best appropriate, I think.

00:08:11.900 I think, I just want to say one thing.

00:08:13.840 And everyone goes, like, a lot of people, what they say is, do,

00:08:16.800 is, oh, when we're ready to have kids.

00:08:18.800 You're never ready to have kids.

00:08:20.820 You're never ready to have kids.

00:08:21.960 When you have kids, Allah puts everything in place. 0.90

00:08:25.060 Like, when I had my kids, alhamdulillah, everything just worked out perfectly.

00:08:29.360 And when I was holding my daughter the first time, I thought,

00:08:31.800 how am I going to look after her?

00:08:33.440 Just, everything just works out.

00:08:35.940 So, you're never, it happens.

00:08:37.720 When it happens, you're just ready for it.

00:08:40.020 You know what I mean?

00:08:40.460 You're ready to take that role as a father.

00:08:43.180 And the mother is already to take that role as a mother. 0.98

00:08:45.980 So, don't ever, like, plan things that are, you know,

00:08:49.440 we can have kids when we save a certain amount of money or buy this house or anything like that.

00:08:54.940 The thing is, is just having a family is a big, big blessing that we should focus on

00:08:59.240 and support and promote for other brothers and sisters to start that off and do it in the right way.

00:09:05.320 So, I'm a midwife and I think it just comes down to if you both know what your priorities are

00:09:15.160 and if you both are ready for it, especially in terms of the man,

00:09:19.460 if he is capable of doing, you know, his duties as a father and helping her out

00:09:26.140 because when she's done, she will be, she could be sick, she could, again, postnatal depression,

00:09:34.740 she could have some healing to do.

00:09:37.620 So, you know, you just both have to have that conversation beforehand.

00:09:41.480 It's almost like before you're getting married, you have to have serious talks before you get married.

00:09:46.640 In the same way as when you're having a baby,

00:09:49.100 you have to really think of all different situations you could be placed in

00:09:53.240 and prepare yourselves for that.

00:09:56.140 But again, I think it also comes down to when you're ready.

00:10:00.700 It doesn't have to be two years.

00:10:02.360 Some women really do want to be mothers and they really want to get that, you know, the ball rolling. 1.00

00:10:08.240 And I think it's up to, you know, to her and the man when they're ready and it shouldn't be time limited.

00:10:14.880 When is a woman ready then? 1.00

00:10:16.900 Well, again, I told you, like some women, they, you know, yearn to be mothers

00:10:21.880 and as soon as they get that opportunity, they want to get it started.

00:10:26.140 So, you know, she will know when she's ready and it's just, I would say it's more on the man to prepare himself

00:10:33.520 because, you know, there's a lot of things that men are very ignorant about when it comes to having a baby.

00:10:38.880 And so they really do need to prepare for that because you shouldn't place all the responsibilities on the woman.

00:10:47.200 I know from my culture, you know, the men always expect the women to do most of the mothering and most of the parenting.

00:10:55.040 But for your child to have the best of upbringing, I would say the man has to also prepare himself to, you know, do his bidding and do his part.

00:11:06.480 Sorry, sis, I want to ask you, you're a midwife. 1.00

00:11:08.580 So the thing is, do you think in most of the cultures, a lot of men don't know about postnatal depression?

00:11:16.620 Yeah, many things as well, not just postnatal depression.

00:11:19.820 There's a lot of complications that can happen.

00:11:22.580 Sorry, can you get the mic a bit closer so people can hear clearly?

00:11:25.260 Because Marjali, you've got some very vital points that brothers should hear.

00:11:27.500 You know, there's a lot of complications, not just postnatal depression.

00:11:32.540 There's psychosis, there's, you know, health issues.

00:11:36.340 Again, things could go seriously wrong during birth, even sometimes death.

00:11:41.820 And so the man really, really has to think about these things.

00:11:45.660 Has to be prepared for them things.

00:11:47.160 Absolutely. There's a lot of preparation that goes into it and you can't just go on again.

00:11:50.240 And this is my personal point that we don't talk about this situation a lot.

00:11:54.000 The thing is, we think that our baby is going to be born and that's it.

00:11:57.500 And we don't realise what the woman goes through, through all these things and that that she has to go through.

00:12:03.300 And I think in our community, we need to talk about these situations a lot.

00:12:08.220 Yeah.

00:12:08.520 Because I've known a lot of brothers that have babies and stuff and they go a bit weird on their wife. 0.99

00:12:17.360 She's acting different. She's doing this. She's doing that.

00:12:20.640 The thing is, this is like, they don't even understand what she's going through.

00:12:23.700 Yeah.

00:12:24.100 So this is a thing we need to talk about a lot.

00:12:27.320 I personally do.

00:12:28.120 It's psychosis. It's a spectrum.

00:12:31.160 You know, this is something that's very possible in happening.

00:12:33.800 And again, like the man could think it's on her and this is how she's acting out or how she's behaving.

00:12:43.760 But it's not.

00:12:44.760 There is a thing called psychosis, which you have to look out for and you have to help your wife with and also recognise it as well.

00:12:51.560 Also recognising postnatal depression, you know, that's also a spectrum.

00:12:57.020 It's not just, you know, seeing her being upset or crying.

00:13:01.740 It could really be a mental struggle and she won't talk to you about it.

00:13:05.320 But it's on you as a husband to realise and see the signs.

00:13:09.740 But this is why I say, like, the connection is very, very important.

00:13:13.340 If you don't know that you don't have that connection with your wife, you won't be able to read her.

00:13:17.900 But that's the whole thing.

00:13:20.620 And that's why I say that connection with your wife is very important because my wife had postnatal depression and I picked up on it straight away.

00:13:28.360 So I'm trying to get the right help for her.

00:13:30.480 And she used to, like, have bad thoughts and all sorts of things.

00:13:35.240 But it was my job being there for her at that time.

00:13:38.320 She didn't want anyone else.

00:13:39.920 I was there for her.

00:13:41.040 And this is like, that's why I say having kids need to have that connection with your wife first to have the understanding if she's going through something bad or you're going through something bad, you know, you can understand each other's body language.

00:13:55.740 Yeah.

00:13:55.980 It's very, very important because sometimes we don't talk about things.

00:13:59.440 Sometimes we're doing something wrong, but we don't even know that we're doing something wrong.

00:14:02.960 So it's your job for your partner to pick that up.

00:14:05.660 So that's why it's important for the man to mature and understand his sort of responsibilities as a husband and a father before he just sort of even wants to get married, to be honest with you.

00:14:16.240 The big problem I've been seeing quite a lot is the man will become less attracted to his wife after she's given birth.

00:14:23.060 It's a very common issue.

00:14:24.440 That's ignorance.

00:14:25.640 So obviously when a woman gives birth, like, things will change about her. 0.93

00:14:28.400 She might gain weight.

00:14:29.120 She might lose weight. 0.77

00:14:29.960 And a lot of men, they'll sort of fall into that category where, oh, like, she's not attracted to me.

00:14:35.440 I don't feel attracted to her anymore.

00:14:37.000 Some men won't even sleep in the same room as her anymore and expect her to sort of deal with it. 0.99

00:14:41.060 Yeah.

00:14:41.300 I've seen a lot of cases personally.

00:14:42.960 I personally had a totally opposite reaction because she was more attracted to me because she was mother of my kids now.

00:14:50.080 So that kind of brought her even more close to me.

00:14:52.600 So the thing is, yeah, I don't know.

00:14:54.280 I've heard a few stories, but I think that's kind of backward mindset.

00:14:59.420 But personally, if a woman who carries your child, you have a child with, and what she goes through, giving birth to that child, you have more love for her.

00:15:11.500 Because what you see, what she goes through.

00:15:14.220 Yeah, it is.

00:15:15.120 I mean, like, I'll be honest with you.

00:15:16.440 I've had a discussion about this.

00:15:19.620 I don't know if you have the whole topic on it about being there when she's giving birth, etc.

00:15:22.480 Obviously, there were some brothers I don't want to mention who were like, you know, and I understand.

00:15:26.080 I understand for those who don't want to be there.

00:15:27.940 There is, I'm talking about those who are balanced in the sense where they're like, listen, it can affect my connections very intimately together.

00:15:35.420 And that's valid.

00:15:36.340 That is valid.

00:15:36.900 I have to be honest.

00:15:37.480 That is valid because you're seeing that it can be graphic for some people.

00:15:40.880 For some men, if they're like, you know what, I do, understandable.

00:15:43.460 But this doesn't necessarily, like, for example, I've been, like, my two daughters, like, three of them.

00:15:48.240 I've been there, all of them.

00:15:50.020 It doesn't necessarily mean you have to see everything that's happening.

00:15:52.580 Do you get what I'm trying to say?

00:15:53.340 You can be behind the bed, etc.

00:15:54.800 I personally, it was a moving moment for me because it was, I'll be honest with you.

00:15:58.540 Like, it's, to me, it might sound strange, but my last, when I had the new baby, when she was born, the first thing was weird.

00:16:05.740 The first thing that came to my mind was, and this might sound a little bit crazy, but it was like, I understand why people end up in hellfire.

00:16:11.580 And you might be like, what's that going to do with anything?

00:16:13.740 When I looked at the whole, the whole birth happening, etc.

00:16:19.640 I was like, how could anybody know this process?

00:16:22.920 It's a miracle.

00:16:23.600 It is.

00:16:24.180 I don't believe.

00:16:24.800 I was like, bro, you know what I said?

00:16:25.780 I said, I don't care who it is.

00:16:27.380 My close family members who do not believe persistently.

00:16:29.960 I just had this thing in my heart where I was like, you know what?

00:16:32.260 Whoever it is for that matter, you deserve hellfire.

00:16:35.080 Why?

00:16:35.660 Because for you to see this miraculous thing happen in front of your eyes, and this baby is born, yeah?

00:16:40.580 And you don't believe?

00:16:42.680 I don't know.

00:16:43.200 That was to me personally.

00:16:44.060 It was just, but before that, it was just a moment.

00:16:46.540 It just, it really makes you, it gets you emotional.

00:16:48.860 And as men, we need to accept that, you know?

00:16:51.220 For the brothers who are in the red pill, like, sorry, we don't follow your nonsense and your rhetoric.

00:16:55.460 You're actually, we're discussing rhetoric.

00:16:57.240 We follow the sunnah, alhamdulillah.

00:16:58.620 And again, I accept fully men who don't want to be there. 0.88

00:17:02.340 It's totally valid.

00:17:02.900 But for men who have this little boy syndrome of, I'm the man and I'm going to be there, 0.92

00:17:09.020 you've got a lot of growing up to do.

00:17:10.360 But let's come back to the topic.

00:17:11.500 Maybe we should have a whole topic on that issue because to educate men, we should have 0.95

00:17:15.160 a whole topic just on that topic because a lot of men are ignorant about it.

00:17:20.280 But there's a verse we want to talk about because we were talking about a prophet that

00:17:22.780 Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says in the Quran, so it's chapter 17, verse 28, Surah Isra.

00:17:28.840 But if you must turn them down because you lack the means of, lacks to give, while hoping

00:17:34.580 to receive your Lord's bounty, then at least give them a kind word.

00:17:37.880 So we're talking about the relatives.

00:17:39.360 And do not be so tight-fisted for you will be blameworthy.

00:17:42.320 So don't be stingy.

00:17:44.640 Nor so open.

00:17:45.840 So don't be extra charitable where you're left with nothing.

00:17:48.360 So Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is saying be balanced.

00:17:49.680 Now I'm going to be telling you why I'm mentioning this.

00:17:52.260 It says, surely your Lord gives abundant, your Lord gives abundant or limited provision

00:17:58.160 to whoever he wills.

00:17:59.480 He is certainly all aware, all seeing of his servants.

00:18:03.020 Do not kill your children for the fear of poverty.

00:18:06.080 We provide for them and for you. 0.99

00:18:08.000 Surely killing them is a heinous sin. 0.98

00:18:09.520 Sometimes people, obviously we know in the time before Islam came, the mushrikeen used 1.00

00:18:14.140 to kill their daughters. 0.78

00:18:15.740 There's a lot of things connected. 0.99

00:18:16.620 If you read the tafsir, sometimes it's the, you need to understand as men, we have

00:18:20.600 gheera over our women folk. 0.94

00:18:22.300 Even if you're giving your daughter in hand to get married, there's that little inside

00:18:26.200 you.

00:18:26.720 We are men.

00:18:27.340 That's how we're created.

00:18:28.240 Do you get what I'm trying to say? 0.98

00:18:28.860 The mushrikeen used to kill their daughters. 1.00

00:18:30.440 One of those reasons was that because if we go to war and they take our females and 0.69

00:18:33.880 they're going to do whatever, dishonor kind of attitude, even though it's not their fault.

00:18:38.080 So they used to do this kind of stuff.

00:18:39.140 But also people used to kill their children because of poverty.

00:18:41.620 Allah's telling you, and this issue here, if you think about it, it's a matter of

00:18:45.300 tawheed.

00:18:46.620 How could you think, okay, I'm not going to have kids because I can't provide for

00:18:49.240 them.

00:18:49.800 Who the hell said you provide for them?

00:18:51.280 Yeah.

00:18:51.700 Who said this attitude?

00:18:53.980 Look, I understand that we have to work as men, et cetera.

00:18:57.240 And then there are single mothers who have to be the father and the mother. 0.98

00:19:00.120 But who has given you this impression as if you are the sole provider?

00:19:03.780 You are not.

00:19:04.780 So meaning the following.

00:19:05.980 And I've seen many brothers, bro.

00:19:07.260 Wallahi.

00:19:07.820 There's a brother that I know.

00:19:08.640 He's got, I think, five kids.

00:19:09.780 He goes, bro, any time I would have a child, a blessing comes in my life, bro.

00:19:13.720 And he was specifically seeing his daughters.

00:19:15.140 I don't know why.

00:19:15.660 Yeah.

00:19:16.120 But he goes, bro, I will look out to my income and my outgoings.

00:19:19.680 He goes, it doesn't add up.

00:19:21.340 He goes, I'm looking at my income and my outgoing is more, but I'm just, it's just flowing.

00:19:26.600 So the point is Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is the one that blesses. 0.83

00:19:29.100 When it comes to this issue of, but I'm poor, but et cetera, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala will enrich. 0.89

00:19:35.060 Now coming to the issue of having kids at two years, like you guys were talking about it.

00:19:39.700 I think it's very important as well to understand that men are in check.

00:19:42.700 I think a lot of sisters need to maybe educate their husbands about this issue because, you 1.00

00:19:47.120 know, it's easy to be a father.

00:19:48.060 It's easy to be a mother.

00:19:49.060 And like my mom says, not every mother that gives birth becomes a mother for that matter.

00:19:53.000 And the same, the father in that sense.

00:19:54.900 So the reason I'm trying to blow up this topic is because we are living in different dynamics.

00:20:01.160 We, we can come across somebody who's got a full beard.

00:20:04.600 Every second word is alhamdulillah, subhanallah, la ilaha illallah.

00:20:07.620 And he's got a maswaq in his mouth every time. 0.90

00:20:09.680 And he's got Quran under his left arm and he's got a foe, but you don't know who you're marrying. 0.70

00:20:14.620 The reason I wanted to put the bar of two years, I don't know what you guys' reasons is,

00:20:18.000 is that the person you're marrying could be an absolute iblis.

00:20:21.220 Like that would, and, and, and now the issue is when you're married, you have a connection,

00:20:26.060 a beautiful connection to this iblis.

00:20:28.400 Yeah.

00:20:28.720 So the point is this, yeah.

00:20:30.420 So it's, it's, it's a blessing.

00:20:31.880 Like for example, I don't think you would, you, you was divorced.

00:20:34.520 I don't think you would ever regret having a child.

00:20:36.760 Never, ever.

00:20:37.400 Alhamdulillah.

00:20:37.760 I know many brothers never, they would say I would marry the same iblis just for this beautiful 1.00

00:20:41.400 daughter because they were a blessing.

00:20:43.080 But in today's time, we live in uncertainty.

00:20:45.600 And some people are, they've got so many issues going on, bro.

00:20:48.420 And I personally, I've been like being told, and many people have told me that the two

00:20:52.440 year mark is where you would know what somebody is about.

00:20:55.260 So that's the angle that I'm coming from.

00:20:57.300 Like, would you not agree that that two year mark is fundamental because to protect yourself

00:21:02.260 in that sense.

00:21:02.840 And because once it's, it's devastating, I know brothers who are in, sisters, I've heard

00:21:07.460 of stories as well, of course, with men who are careless, who don't even look after their

00:21:11.060 children, but I've heard of brothers in situations where they are married to very, very evil

00:21:16.320 women. 0.81

00:21:16.920 And now they can't even see their kids, by the way, because let's look at it from a man's 0.99

00:21:20.280 perspective, because from a man's perspective in the society that we're living in, women 1.00

00:21:24.300 have a lot of powers that's given to them.

00:21:25.960 Yeah.

00:21:26.200 And they're abusing those powers, by the way.

00:21:28.200 Now we have brothers that I know.

00:21:30.120 Some of them, like, I've heard stories of suicide, they cannot see their kids.

00:21:35.280 So I specifically say to men, because of that, because not seeing your child is devastating,

00:21:39.380 bro.

00:21:39.820 It can cripple a man.

00:21:41.980 So would you guys agree from that perspective that we should have a good two years?

00:21:46.300 That's where I was coming from.

00:21:47.640 But Sister Anamta? 0.97

00:21:48.460 I think having the two year mark is very vital.

00:21:51.180 Firstly, because communication is key in a relationship.

00:21:54.900 I feel like, especially with, you know, people that have arranged marriages, there's that

00:21:59.480 kind of distance in being comfortable talking to your partner.

00:22:03.840 And having that two year mark where, you know, you travel together, you spending time

00:22:08.360 together builds that kind of comfortable aspect in your marriage.

00:22:14.860 And then with that aspect, you're able to talk to your partner.

00:22:18.400 And within those two years, there can be a million things you can talk about, you know.

00:22:21.980 So that's whether that's having a baby.

00:22:24.480 And when you talk about, you know, when you have family planning, and you're talking about

00:22:28.840 having a baby, you can talk about arising issues that there are within society, and, you

00:22:33.680 know, just in relationships in general as well.

00:22:35.860 So with that, building that communication is very vital as well, because then I believe

00:22:41.280 within that two years, you know your partner.

00:22:43.920 And the family that you come into, it takes effort from both sides, not just the woman, not

00:22:48.800 just the man, I feel like it's an effort from both sides, because ideally, you're both,

00:22:53.660 you know, going into each other's families, you're meeting each other's parents, you're

00:22:58.080 meeting each other's siblings, etc.

00:22:59.800 So I think that two year mark is very vital in order to build your communication with another

00:23:04.020 so you can talk to one another comfortably.

00:23:06.080 I think we can all agree that sort of the question of when to have kids, it's all situational,

00:23:10.940 isn't it?

00:23:11.560 It's sort of, exactly, yeah.

00:23:13.580 The reason I said two years is because for me personally, I know I'll have that connection

00:23:17.080 with my wife by then, we'll have the honeymoon, we'll go on holidays and stuff.

00:23:21.320 I know I want to settle down by, you know, a certain age.

00:23:23.960 That's a target for me as well, because if I'm not ready in two years after marriage,

00:23:27.760 when will I be ready?

00:23:28.920 I'll keep pushing the age higher and higher. 0.99

00:23:30.960 So that's why I said two years, essentially.

00:23:32.780 I think it's a good mark to have.

00:23:34.180 Would you guys say, to say two years is something, we can generalise it, in the sense, I believe

00:23:39.220 it's a safe zone.

00:23:40.620 I think it's a safe, yeah.

00:23:41.560 Two years is a safe zone.

00:23:42.880 The only issue we would have, if I'm not mistaken, is that, okay, is there, two years is a,

00:23:49.280 yeah?

00:23:49.640 Yeah.

00:23:49.960 Yeah?

00:23:50.340 Okay.

00:23:51.040 Okay.

00:23:51.440 So I would say, the only issue we have is, you need to understand, the sisters, biologically,

00:23:57.340 their time is ticking when it comes to a certain age.

00:23:59.480 This is the reality.

00:24:00.340 Okay.

00:24:01.480 Which maybe we can, if there's a difference between this matter, but again, I understand

00:24:04.840 with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, all things are possible.

00:24:06.800 We're just talking about tying our camel.

00:24:08.780 The reason I'm saying that is because there might be a sister in her 30s or late 30s,

00:24:12.260 because there are statistics that show that her chances of conceiving do dramatically

00:24:15.600 fall.

00:24:16.020 Again, in Allah's hands, all things are possible.

00:24:18.080 You can be 40, 45, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala wills it, it will happen. 1.00

00:24:21.060 We have no, we can't say nothing about that.

00:24:23.920 But if that sister who's, let's say she's 34, 35 years old, she marries a brother who's

00:24:29.200 maybe, I don't know, in his 30, 35, 40, he can have kids till he's 70, 80.

00:24:34.640 Now she's like, okay, look, I don't want to wait two years.

00:24:37.120 I was coming from that angle, sister Farzana, before misunderstanding, but you can correct

00:24:41.000 me still if there's any, like, I didn't mean it in that way.

00:24:43.360 But again, it's a reality, which I have to stick to the reality, which is the biological

00:24:46.440 clock for a woman, it's more limited than a man's. 1.00

00:24:49.320 Scientifically.

00:24:50.200 Scientifically, but with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, all things are possible.

00:24:52.540 I actually disagree.

00:24:53.900 Please, sister.

00:24:54.280 I've had women who are 55 years old having babies, so the biological clock, it's a generalization

00:25:02.860 of women, and it is a thing, it definitely is a thing, you can't have a baby past 60. 1.00

00:25:08.140 I mean, if Allah has blessed you with that, then alhamdulillah.

00:25:11.160 But, you know, the biological clock, after 33 years old, you're just called geriatric.

00:25:17.900 What does that mean?

00:25:18.400 Can you educate us?

00:25:18.940 It just means you're, you know, you're mature, like your uterus, if you really want to get 0.85

00:25:28.020 into it, your female reproductive system is a lot more aged, so you're a lot more high 1.00

00:25:33.500 risk, that's all it means, but you are still in your childbearing years.

00:25:37.880 Okay, so we do agree that, look, if Allah wills it, like you said, you're a midwife, 50

00:25:42.200 years old, 100%, but exceptions do not make the, we're saying generally, what I mean by this,

00:25:47.260 by the way, I'm not getting into the whole biological, I'm seeing a sister who's in

00:25:50.420 her late 30s, or mid 30s, who marries a guy, and that guy says, listen, I want minimum two 1.00

00:25:56.660 free years, to her, that's free years, she's thinking, I'm 34, I'm going to be 37, I'm

00:26:01.000 talking from those dynamics, just to give clarity, I'm not trying to bring the whole

00:26:03.320 thing of the biological thing, I'm saying, what would you say to that sister, because

00:26:07.440 sister's going to be like, I don't want to wait, I've been waiting 30, like this many

00:26:09.900 years, and now you're telling me to wait another two free years, how would we find the

00:26:12.920 middle path, because to her, those two free years can be vital, for him, he's thinking,

00:26:16.600 look, I don't know you, I want to get to know you, I don't know who you are, do you

00:26:18.920 get what I'm saying, how would we balance that, that's where I'm coming from, because

00:26:22.000 we've agreed about the two year mark, but now we're dealing with a sister, who has a

00:26:26.540 right for a child, but now the guy's like, well no, I want to get to know you, I want

00:26:29.440 to go holiday, she's like, I don't want holidays, I want kids.

00:26:32.040 I think, I think she should wait, I think, again, it goes back to being prepared, both

00:26:38.540 sides should be prepared, she may want to rush it, and this is why I made the point

00:26:42.860 of this whole biological clock thing, it shouldn't really be on women's minds, I know it naturally 1.00

00:26:49.960 will be, but what I'm trying to say is that women should really have faith in themselves

00:26:55.280 and have faith in Allah, that, you know, that risk will happen for them, and they shouldn't

00:27:01.200 have this clock over their heads, really, because honestly, you've got, like, if you're 33 years

00:27:06.420 old, or if you're in your 30s, you've still got a good 10, 15 years of having a baby, so

00:27:11.680 if you're, you know, your partner's saying, let's wait two, three years, you shouldn't

00:27:16.680 fill this clock, like, at all, you should just, you know, think about things in life.

00:27:23.380 I'll let you finish the story.

00:27:24.320 No, no, it's all right.

00:27:25.520 So, just to interrupt this, statistically, scientifically as well, women do have a biological 1.00

00:27:29.700 clock, I understand what you're saying with women shouldn't think about it to the point 1.00

00:27:34.040 where, you know, they want to have kids ASAP, I understand that, but, for example, I've

00:27:38.100 got, I've got a friend who's had a kid at the age of, like, I think it was 40 or something,

00:27:43.660 I can't remember, and their baby came out with, like, a lot of issues, genetic problems.

00:27:48.100 High risk, yeah.

00:27:48.680 Exactly, so that's why women tend to want to have children at a younger age, because 1.00

00:27:52.920 they know they have that biological clock, so I think it's important to take both accounts,

00:27:57.720 sort of both cases, so you shouldn't rush into it, but you shouldn't delay it to the

00:28:02.200 point where your kid's going to be at risk.

00:28:03.760 Yeah, but the thing is, it's better to be safe than sorry, you know what I mean?

00:28:07.740 So, the thing is, if a woman is saying that, I haven't got that much time, I want to rush, 0.98

00:28:11.620 but that could cause more problems.

00:28:14.440 Especially in the long term as well, when you have it financially, emotionally.

00:28:18.760 Yeah, if you're going for two years, then surely you can make it more efficient, and then

00:28:23.040 work harder with each other to communicate better, and learn about each other in a quicker

00:28:27.540 span of time, if that's your goal at the end of the day.

00:28:31.180 I think I'm going to jump in there.

00:28:33.660 Please, stop.

00:28:34.240 I think the answer to your question is that this should have been a discussion that they

00:28:39.640 should have had prior to getting married, because you have to discuss these things, because

00:28:46.980 you can't just jump into a marriage and then say, okay, we'll discuss this later.

00:28:50.240 Because a lot of times, when a proposal comes, the individual might have been in a place

00:28:56.480 where they've been looking for someone for years and years, and all of a sudden, you

00:28:59.720 know, they found this person.

00:29:01.280 So, ideally, have these conversations prior to getting married rather than that.

00:29:05.860 You can, but let's put ourselves in the shoes of a sister who's 34 years old. 0.96

00:29:10.680 And obviously, we have the stigma as well with that, which they shouldn't.

00:29:14.320 Then we have the realities of our biology, again, with like, for example, when it was

00:29:18.660 Ibrahim, alayhi salam, was Ibrahim, alayhi salam's wife, where she was like, I'm barren. 0.93

00:29:23.120 Exactly.

00:29:23.580 For Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, all things are possible, 100%.

00:29:25.360 This is our deen.

00:29:25.880 This is our religion teaches us, yeah?

00:29:27.540 But it's just to obviously understand the reality as well.

00:29:29.920 So, keeping that in mind, now, they can have a discussion beforehand, but how is she going

00:29:33.700 to feel in a power dynamic where he's 40, he can have kids till he's 80?

00:29:38.040 She might be thinking, oh my gosh, this, that, et cetera, I'm already...

00:29:41.860 So, for him to say a couple of years, and she's thinking, it's been hard to find someone

00:29:46.060 who's a good man, now she's going to have to put up with that.

00:29:48.440 Because if he says, well, that's a no negotiable for me, she has no choice but to be like,

00:29:53.320 well, okay, but then, do you get what I'm trying to say?

00:29:55.260 I do get what you're trying to say, but if it was non-negotiable, then that should

00:29:59.660 have been discussed, right?

00:30:01.820 Because you can't go into a marriage and then all of a sudden change everything and say,

00:30:05.620 no, I thought about it, but it's not right for me, so I'm going to...

00:30:09.980 A lot of sisters change their mind, don't they? 1.00

00:30:10.200 A lot, not just sisters, sorry, a lot of...

00:30:12.440 You'll have the initial conversation of when you want to have a child, this and that,

00:30:15.480 during a marriage, right?

00:30:16.840 But people change their minds after they get married.

00:30:19.740 Do you know what I mean?

00:30:20.540 They do.

00:30:21.220 One thing I want to say, that people, like, when they're more older, like, in their 34,

00:30:24.960 when they're 40, they're more mature than younger people, so it might not even take

00:30:29.920 that long for them, because when they're younger, they make their mistakes, and when

00:30:34.500 you're younger, it takes you longer to know things, know about yourself.

00:30:37.560 When you're at that age, you're kind of more mature, so it might not even take that long

00:30:41.960 for them to kind of come up with a decision.

00:30:44.500 My friends had this exact situation you're talking about where he was planning to get

00:30:48.180 married to a girl, right?

00:30:49.120 Like, she wanted to have a child by a certain age.

00:30:52.580 They discussed it late on.

00:30:54.140 So after they discussed all the sort of marriage ceremonies, all of that, then they discussed,

00:30:58.160 oh, wait, when do you want to have a kid, by the way?

00:31:00.080 She said age of 26, but he said, I actually want to have it a bit later, because I want

00:31:03.480 to enjoy sort of freedom and stuff.

00:31:06.100 And they end up not getting married after that.

00:31:08.580 No, but no, I think it's valid, though.

00:31:10.160 If he thinks he's not ready for a marriage, why should he feel pressured into...

00:31:13.640 What freedom?

00:31:14.060 And there is a sense of freedom.

00:31:15.920 Hang on a minute, mate.

00:31:18.160 There is a sense of freedom in not having a child.

00:31:20.600 If he wants to enjoy freedom, then he shouldn't get married, shouldn't he?

00:31:22.840 No, no, you can have freedom in a marriage, but then some people are trapped when they're

00:31:26.840 having a child.

00:31:27.700 There needs to be sort of...

00:31:28.500 If not a trap is a blessing, that's what we need to look at.

00:31:30.560 Yeah, but the man can see it as a trap, in the sense where he'll feel his social life,

00:31:35.720 career will be limited to an extent.

00:31:37.480 The thing is, for me personally...

00:31:37.900 What I'm saying is, he needs to overcome that before he just decides to have a kid.

00:31:42.400 If a man thinks like that, he's not a real man, because the thing is, having a family

00:31:47.460 is, for us, is our...

00:31:50.300 For me personally, it's everything.

00:31:52.280 Looking after my kids is everything for me.

00:31:54.960 So if a man thinks he's trapped and he's going to lose his freedom, then he should stay 0.87

00:31:59.720 single.

00:31:59.940 The thing is, not every man is like you, that's the thing.

00:32:02.060 And Alhamdulillah, you've got a good mentality when it comes to having a family.

00:32:05.960 But a lot of men, they don't want to feel pressured into having a child.

00:32:09.080 They want to have a four, five years, three years, whatever it may be, then have a child

00:32:13.740 afterwards, maybe they're not doing well in their career.

00:32:15.720 Exactly.

00:32:16.140 Me as a 25 year old, I would not want to have a kid at this age, because mentally I wouldn't

00:32:20.760 be able to do it.

00:32:21.740 I've got social life, I've got so much stuff going on, two, three jobs.

00:32:25.260 I wouldn't be able to handle a kid, because mentally I just wouldn't be prepared.

00:32:28.440 So why would I rush into having a child?

00:32:30.220 But for figures, brother, what would I say?

00:32:31.560 When would you want to have a child? 0.81

00:32:32.280 But for figures, brother.

00:32:33.300 When would you want to have a kid?

00:32:34.120 Let's say roughly.

00:32:34.920 So let's say if I were to get married today, I'm 25, I'd give it...

00:32:38.080 Okay, well, I'd give it like...

00:32:40.460 Yeah, I'd give it...

00:32:41.140 Are you done?

00:32:42.060 Okay, cool.

00:32:42.780 So I'd give it a couple of years, so maybe 27, 28, around that.

00:32:45.820 The thing is, brother, look, what I want to say to you, that when you have kids, you think,

00:32:51.580 oh, you can't do anything, you've got so much going on.

00:32:54.640 Just everything works out.

00:32:55.700 With me personally, I was working so much.

00:32:57.420 I was doing three jobs, day and night, only two hours sleep.

00:33:00.020 But I still found time for my family.

00:33:02.320 So the thing is, don't like...

00:33:04.700 And this is the mentality that people think that, oh, you can't do this, you can't do

00:33:08.920 that, I can't look after my kids, I can't give time to my wife.

00:33:12.300 You find time.

00:33:13.160 Allah gives you that time.

00:33:14.240 Allah gives you that blessings, you know?

00:33:16.200 Do you want to add on something?

00:33:17.380 So what if you've got a situation where a husband's become a father and he's not fit

00:33:22.440 to look after the child?

00:33:23.960 Well, that's a different situation.

00:33:25.160 He shouldn't become a father then, should he?

00:33:26.560 But you're saying that he should just, with Allah's blessing, he should just do it.

00:33:30.280 The thing is, no one's ready to become a father.

00:33:32.780 But what about the people who, literally, when they get married, decide to have a kid

00:33:36.340 and they're horrible fathers?

00:33:38.820 What would you say is a horrible father?

00:33:41.540 Like, not there for the child, not there for the wife. 0.91

00:33:43.840 Would you not want that man to mature first and then eventually have a child?

00:33:46.620 The thing is, when do you mature?

00:33:47.820 When do you mature?

00:33:48.460 There's no age you're being mature.

00:33:49.560 When you know when you can prioritise your child over your social life.

00:33:52.360 Well, when you have a child, you find maturity...

00:33:54.280 Okay, not even social life.

00:33:55.380 Prioritise your child over anything else, because that is the most important thing.

00:33:58.400 Prioritise your wife and the child. 0.88

00:33:59.480 I think what Mehdi is saying, I think I kind of agree with both of you guys,

00:34:01.720 in the sense where, what Mehdi is saying, there are irresponsible men out there.

00:34:04.060 And let's be honest, there are a lot of irresponsible men out there, yeah?

00:34:07.320 For men, having a child is just, to them it's just an intimacy.

00:34:10.880 It's just like, okay, yeah.

00:34:12.060 So there is a lot of irresponsible men out there.

00:34:13.860 And like Surtar said, these kind of men, well, again,

00:34:17.320 we blame the sisters a bit here in the sense as well.

00:34:19.380 As long as there's irresponsible men, why do you even pick this kind of man?

00:34:23.300 Let's be honest in this aspect.

00:34:24.900 Sadly, the sisters make some choices that they shouldn't, you know.

00:34:27.320 Oh, he's a bad boy, yeah, okay, then deal with the bad, comes with it.

00:34:30.860 So the thing is, real men, like you said before,

00:34:32.780 in the sense where we'll give an exception to the rule with your friend.

00:34:34.760 For example, there might be specific reasons where he's delaying it.

00:34:36.980 But generally, a man who is getting married and does not want to have kids for a good,

00:34:41.160 two years, like we said, we said, it's good.

00:34:43.080 Two and a half years, it's very reasonable, yeah?

00:34:44.940 Especially if you guys are really young.

00:34:46.260 I would even say three years.

00:34:47.260 If you're young and you're like 20s, et cetera, but I have no problem.

00:34:49.840 Take your time.

00:34:50.660 Take your time.

00:34:51.740 However, we've got to say an amtabah.

00:34:53.300 However, if you are going to get married, and in your head you're like,

00:34:57.740 I don't want to have kids for five years, this man, I would say alarm bells.

00:35:01.480 Like, why do you not want to?

00:35:03.120 What priorities do you have?

00:35:04.480 And a lot of the times which I've noticed in married couples as well,

00:35:07.740 the problem is greater in the head than it actually is.

00:35:10.240 I've noticed so many times where couples have issues, problems,

00:35:14.920 of a specific matter.

00:35:16.860 But you know, it goes back to Tawheed.

00:35:18.540 Everything, by the way, all our problems in this dunya goes back to our lack of Tawheed.

00:35:21.980 You have an issue in your head, and the problem is bigger in your head.

00:35:25.200 The reality you have in your head is not even the reality that's happening.

00:35:28.380 And then, when Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says, look, this,

00:35:30.480 I'll give you an example to my whole marriage, okay?

00:35:33.700 A specific issue that we had with me and my wife, and it was like, look, you know,

00:35:37.060 and my wife was like, no, no, no, this, that. 1.00

00:35:38.860 I was like, look, just let's wait and see.

00:35:40.680 Yeah?

00:35:40.900 And you know how a woman can be emotional, and you need to understand that.

00:35:43.500 And I was like, look, it's not how you think it would be.

00:35:45.740 And then when it came to be, and it did happen,

00:35:48.400 and I gave her that look, she's there.

00:35:49.680 I just gave her that look, and I was like, yeah?

00:35:51.780 And why?

00:35:52.480 Because sometimes we make problems, and it happens with me sometimes,

00:35:55.560 I exaggerate something.

00:35:57.060 And then I'll be like, actually, you know, she had a point there.

00:35:59.400 Because our problems in our head is bigger.

00:36:01.980 But what the issue is, when I say it's a lack of Tawheed, 0.96

00:36:04.540 is Allah had other plans.

00:36:06.080 Like you said, when you got married,

00:36:07.400 Allah made a way for you to have time for your kids.

00:36:09.600 When you have trust in Allah,

00:36:11.300 what you have in your head is sometimes from shaitan.

00:36:13.580 Oh, no, this is going to happen.

00:36:14.440 How do you look after them?

00:36:15.300 You know when you're giving in charity, this happens a lot.

00:36:16.620 Oh, you're going to be poor.

00:36:17.960 Oh, but you're going to lose money.

00:36:19.340 You can use that money somewhere else.

00:36:21.000 But does sadaq ever make you poor? 0.95

00:36:23.320 Never.

00:36:23.980 So it is, we take the trust of what Allah and His Messenger said

00:36:27.060 over our limited understanding.

00:36:29.260 So that's why sometimes,

00:36:30.520 the problem is bigger in your head than this.

00:36:32.540 And a man, I believe, who is going to wait four or five years

00:36:35.380 to not have kids,

00:36:36.520 and he's got other priorities in place,

00:36:38.640 like, I don't know,

00:36:40.000 I want to go chill with friends or whatever.

00:36:42.360 This is a man, there should be alarm bells.

00:36:43.940 The thing is, I want to put one point through that.

00:36:47.220 This is a very important point on that.

00:36:49.020 If you've been married for a year,

00:36:51.500 and the sister can't see having kids with this, 1.00

00:36:55.220 the man,

00:36:56.640 or the man can't see having kids with this woman,

00:36:59.140 this is a big thing that we need to keep an eye on.

00:37:01.500 Because the thing is, like, with me personally,

00:37:04.640 when I met my wife, started knowing her,

00:37:06.960 that was the only woman that I could see having a family with. 1.00

00:37:10.540 Yeah?

00:37:10.820 So this is a big thing that she needs to be the right person to have kids with.

00:37:15.760 I mean, people change in that,

00:37:17.020 but still be safe about it.

00:37:19.360 You know, trying to be the best safe.

00:37:21.220 Don't just go in with a blind,

00:37:22.760 cover your eyes and just walk into it.

00:37:24.560 Because the thing is, anything could happen,

00:37:26.560 but trying to be safe when you walk into this situation.

00:37:29.060 Could they put a facade on for a year and a half?

00:37:31.740 That happens a lot, to be honest.

00:37:32.960 What do you mean?

00:37:33.840 As in, they're like somebody totally different for like the first year and a half,

00:37:38.580 two years, and then after giving birth,

00:37:41.900 Yeah, well, the thing is, like, with birth stuff,

00:37:44.920 now, when a woman has birth, they can change.

00:37:47.520 Because a lot of men don't like when the woman puts a child before them.

00:37:52.100 I don't know why they have a problem with that.

00:37:54.380 But a lot of men change.

00:37:56.940 We feel lonely.

00:37:57.440 The thing is, my kids come first.

00:38:02.360 If my wife put my kids first,

00:38:03.700 and she knows I'll put my kids first.

00:38:06.460 But what if you're being neglected?

00:38:07.340 I know men who've come to me and said,

00:38:08.620 bro, I feel like a ghost in the house.

00:38:10.100 Like, my existence is not there.

00:38:11.720 Like, kids, this, this, this.

00:38:13.020 And then after this, me and my wife is at shopping.

00:38:16.200 And she's like, I need to get this for my other daughter and this one.

00:38:19.380 And I'm looking at her.

00:38:20.000 I'm like, what about the other baby?

00:38:22.600 So, what about the other baby?

00:38:23.760 If I do that with my, I mean,

00:38:25.400 I'm like, showing more attention to the kids.

00:38:27.340 And they're like, yeah, yeah, whatever.

00:38:28.580 It's normal.

00:38:29.260 It's the mother nature.

00:38:29.960 It's the mother instinct, which you're a midwife. 1.00

00:38:31.020 You can educate us a bit more.

00:38:31.940 Yeah, I was going to say, like, some mothers, honestly,

00:38:35.000 it's a mental struggle for them.

00:38:36.960 They feel like they're not good enough.

00:38:38.540 They feel like they have to keep, like, you know,

00:38:40.680 they fed their kid three times a day.

00:38:42.600 But they still feel like the kid's not gaining weight.

00:38:44.980 They have all these problems on their head

00:38:47.340 that a man does not have. 0.66

00:38:49.600 And so, you know, have mercy when you see your wife

00:38:53.340 and you're thinking, she's leaving me alone.

00:38:55.580 You know, I'm a ghost in my own home.

00:38:57.660 You know, just have mercy with her 1.00

00:38:59.140 and just try and understand.

00:39:01.580 Try and have empathy.

00:39:02.840 Empathy means, like, you know,

00:39:05.040 not putting yourself in her shoes,

00:39:06.620 but trying to understand every action

00:39:09.080 and where she's coming from

00:39:10.160 and every emotion she could possibly be feeling.

00:39:12.420 That leads on to another topic, actually,

00:39:14.360 to be honest, because the man realizes

00:39:16.500 that he's a ghost

00:39:18.140 and she's doing it just for the kids.

00:39:20.280 But, so he doesn't want to be a burden on her.

00:39:23.660 He'll go to someone else.

00:39:25.500 That's what ends up happening, unfortunately.

00:39:27.200 Can I give you a case study?

00:39:30.040 So, you know, I knew a family

00:39:32.780 where the wife died.

00:39:35.700 May Allah, you know, grant her jannah.

00:39:39.240 And, you know, she had an autistic son

00:39:41.820 and three kids.

00:39:44.140 So that's four in total.

00:39:45.600 And so the husband, he was in case.

00:39:49.160 So, you know, she had the baby 0.92

00:39:50.640 and then she died.

00:39:51.460 So the baby was still a baby.

00:39:54.380 And, you know, as the baby was,

00:39:57.020 he went up all the way to four years old

00:39:59.380 and undiagnosed autism.

00:40:02.320 And that's because the father

00:40:03.420 had no idea what to do.

00:40:05.580 He had no idea who to go to.

00:40:07.740 And he just continuously watched that child

00:40:10.400 grow up with so many difficulties,

00:40:12.780 including non-verbal autism.

00:40:15.960 So that's, you know, pretty high on the spectrum

00:40:17.800 for you to be able to notice it.

00:40:20.780 And, you know, the child wasn't eaten right.

00:40:23.540 He had, you know, very incredibly bad diet.

00:40:27.020 And so, you know, these kind of situations

00:40:30.260 just makes you think like

00:40:31.580 a woman will have so many things on her mind. 0.99

00:40:35.280 She could not possibly watch that child,

00:40:38.240 you know, and not help the child

00:40:40.660 in making sure they get a diagnosis,

00:40:44.080 making sure they get the proper help

00:40:45.480 and making sure that, you know,

00:40:47.000 his feeding and his diet becomes better.

00:40:49.860 And that's because, you know,

00:40:51.940 I think we have a lot more things

00:40:53.960 going on in our minds

00:40:54.960 in terms of the child's care

00:40:56.680 than the father does.

00:40:58.680 And the father would, you know,

00:40:59.760 in this case, the father, you know,

00:41:01.640 just put his hands up

00:41:02.640 and started passing the child

00:41:05.000 around to different families

00:41:06.320 instead of actually taking the responsibility

00:41:08.660 and making those steps.

00:41:11.100 And that's, you know, you know...

00:41:12.820 But he's a sister, he's a father,

00:41:14.120 he's a provider.

00:41:14.740 Like, if you think about it,

00:41:15.380 maybe it might be in that sense

00:41:16.320 where he has to go out and provide.

00:41:17.400 And this is where we need...

00:41:18.480 That's why it's so important

00:41:19.220 we complete each other as men and women.

00:41:21.680 As a team.

00:41:22.420 It is, it is.

00:41:23.100 And I'll be honest, 0.98

00:41:24.020 like, some men are very ignorant to this stuff. 0.93

00:41:25.780 That's why it's so fundamental

00:41:27.540 to have the motherly instincts there.

00:41:29.940 And it is really...

00:41:30.940 You have to think about these things.

00:41:32.500 You have to think about infertility.

00:41:34.800 You have to think about your wife dying.

00:41:36.500 You have to really put yourself in these,

00:41:39.300 you know, in that thought of process,

00:41:41.120 you know, to think,

00:41:42.320 had anything bad happened,

00:41:44.660 can I step up?

00:41:46.380 And, you know,

00:41:47.100 you really have to question yourself.

00:41:48.960 And, you know...

00:41:50.060 So at what point does it become,

00:41:52.140 like, the patience of a man?

00:41:53.380 Like, how much patience does he need

00:41:54.980 until it becomes an issue?

00:41:57.080 Because I know a lot of people who,

00:42:00.200 where the man continues to feel

00:42:01.380 like a ghost in his own house,

00:42:02.880 he's done everything he can to provide,

00:42:04.540 to be there for his wife and the kids, right?

00:42:07.020 And he still feels neglected.

00:42:08.240 It's been two, three years,

00:42:09.260 maybe even more.

00:42:10.360 And the wife's still not giving him attention. 1.00

00:42:12.180 There's, like, a big disconnect

00:42:13.320 between the two now.

00:42:14.520 He's not sure why.

00:42:15.520 Yeah.

00:42:15.820 So what can we do in that situation?

00:42:17.460 Communicate.

00:42:18.160 Communication is very important.

00:42:19.440 Communicate from the beginning.

00:42:20.020 Yeah, like, just speak to each other.

00:42:22.500 You know, don't just look at the situation

00:42:24.020 and say, woe to me and do nothing. 0.76

00:42:26.020 You know, talk to each other.

00:42:27.480 Try and find out

00:42:28.520 what it is you could do.

00:42:30.120 Like, maybe get a babysitter for the kids

00:42:33.020 and go out and do something with yourselves.

00:42:35.400 Like, you're still in a marriage.

00:42:36.880 You're still in a team.

00:42:38.040 Like, you know, be romantic.

00:42:39.600 Do things.

00:42:40.380 And also, again,

00:42:41.920 don't just watch her

00:42:43.160 and say, woe to me. 0.73

00:42:44.500 You can think of things to do, you know?

00:42:47.140 You can try and help her out

00:42:49.400 with the parenting.

00:42:50.580 Try and have that bonding moment.

00:42:52.140 Whether it's just as simple

00:42:53.620 as changing a nappy

00:42:54.600 and, you know, making jokes with her.

00:42:56.820 But, you know, you can do so many things.

00:43:00.020 Sometimes take her, but give her a break

00:43:00.740 so she can just relax and, you know.

00:43:02.780 It's making that effort, I think.

00:43:04.760 The effort you made

00:43:06.100 before having children with one another,

00:43:08.320 the effort you made

00:43:09.140 if you knew one another before marriage,

00:43:11.080 don't stop that even after having kids.

00:43:13.180 I think that's very important.

00:43:14.440 And after having children,

00:43:15.460 obviously, all the care,

00:43:16.680 your attention goes to the kids.

00:43:18.220 But even then,

00:43:19.040 there should be a middle path

00:43:21.140 where you both meet.

00:43:21.880 And again, it all comes down to communication.

00:43:23.800 I think, yeah,

00:43:24.440 communication is a big, massive thing

00:43:26.260 that we feel like our partners

00:43:28.040 are mind readers.

00:43:30.220 A lot of women think that, by the way. 1.00

00:43:31.700 Let's be honest,

00:43:32.080 because we are very logical.

00:43:33.620 We direct to the point.

00:43:34.360 Me and you have a problem, yeah?

00:43:35.960 Either we solve it 1.00

00:43:36.780 or you kill me 1.00

00:43:37.540 and then come to my journals 1.00

00:43:38.940 and do Sadaqa Jari for me.

00:43:40.380 That's how it works with men. 0.99

00:43:41.440 It's very simple to the point.

00:43:42.160 We argue, we talk about it.

00:43:43.140 If it doesn't work,

00:43:43.600 it just gets physical.

00:43:44.760 With women, you need to understand 1.00

00:43:45.920 they are very,

00:43:47.400 they would like you to know.

00:43:49.220 Yes, they do indirect, et cetera.

00:43:50.860 That's how their nature is.

00:43:51.700 And it's not that they would be blamed

00:43:52.460 but that's how your nature is.

00:43:53.500 And a man needs to know.

00:43:55.080 It is.

00:43:56.040 I would love to hear that

00:43:58.100 but that's a different topic on its own.

00:43:59.860 No, I just want to,

00:44:00.940 you know,

00:44:01.280 the word the woman should know. 0.83

00:44:03.620 A couple of times,

00:44:04.560 Brother Ali's mentioned

00:44:05.480 the man's the leader

00:44:06.540 or the provider.

00:44:07.500 Yes.

00:44:07.900 But it's the man's responsibility 0.93

00:44:09.320 to provide a safe environment

00:44:11.100 for his wife and his children.

00:44:12.660 Exactly.

00:44:13.260 Now saying that,

00:44:14.660 like you said,

00:44:16.580 oh, so if she needs three years 1.00

00:44:18.180 or, you know,

00:44:18.820 what am I supposed to do?

00:44:19.860 But you're the man,

00:44:20.820 you're the leader,

00:44:21.640 you're supposed to be leading the home.

00:44:23.080 So this is something

00:44:24.400 that a lot of men

00:44:25.380 don't understand

00:44:26.120 what it means to be a leader.

00:44:27.820 Like there's a boss.

00:44:28.920 You're not the boss.

00:44:30.160 You're a leader.

00:44:30.840 You're someone who leads the family.

00:44:31.480 Sister, you're saying

00:44:31.820 it's a problem in the house.

00:44:33.480 What's the three years you're talking about?

00:44:34.460 The man should take the lead

00:44:35.100 and trying to sort it out.

00:44:36.340 So, yes,

00:44:36.860 when it comes to,

00:44:37.860 you know,

00:44:38.140 when it comes to,

00:44:38.840 okay, so.

00:44:39.540 You're not a leader financially only.

00:44:41.040 No.

00:44:41.460 Exactly.

00:44:41.920 100%.

00:44:42.200 I agree with you.

00:44:42.880 Yes, 100%.

00:44:43.400 Leader in the sense of emotional,

00:44:45.620 financial,

00:44:46.560 you know.

00:44:46.900 What happens if she doesn't want to change?

00:44:48.960 Help them at.

00:44:49.480 True, true.

00:44:50.040 Like, I'll be honest with you.

00:44:51.580 Like, even in my marriage,

00:44:52.380 I'll be honest.

00:44:52.800 I don't believe I'm still there.

00:44:54.720 Like with my wife,

00:44:55.180 sometimes I'm just like,

00:44:55.900 you know what?

00:44:56.400 I could have dealt with that better.

00:44:57.960 Like, I should know better.

00:44:59.000 And I've realized as,

00:45:00.280 like,

00:45:00.900 with my wife as well,

00:45:02.520 it's just sometimes I'm like,

00:45:03.380 you know what?

00:45:04.740 I can be a leader

00:45:05.520 when it comes to protecting,

00:45:06.340 providing,

00:45:06.740 all that kind of stuff.

00:45:07.460 But am I a leader

00:45:08.140 when it comes to emotional intelligence?

00:45:09.300 This is what I'm saying.

00:45:10.100 And I'm not.

00:45:10.800 And we as men have to,

00:45:11.700 yes, we need to be like,

00:45:12.420 you know what?

00:45:13.040 I should know better.

00:45:14.260 Yes, she said this.

00:45:15.120 So maybe she didn't mean it.

00:45:15.960 Like, we have to know better.

00:45:17.400 Okay.

00:45:17.840 So can I just finish?

00:45:18.960 Please, yes.

00:45:19.640 Sorry, I thought you finished speaking.

00:45:20.860 Okay, no, no, no.

00:45:21.500 So when we say a leader,

00:45:23.040 it's that leader's job

00:45:24.080 to go find out information.

00:45:25.440 Why is my wife behaving this way? 1.00

00:45:27.320 What is out there for me to learn?

00:45:29.440 Like we mentioned,

00:45:30.360 postnatal depression,

00:45:31.420 postnatal psychosis.

00:45:32.820 Now, postnatal psychosis

00:45:34.180 brings on symptoms

00:45:35.500 that many people think

00:45:36.740 that woman is now possessed. 0.98

00:45:38.700 Yeah, this is a big one

00:45:41.440 in our community.

00:45:43.980 A lot of people need to listen.

00:45:44.960 Yeah, we're not talking

00:45:47.260 about that subject.

00:45:48.240 We should do, you know,

00:45:50.040 a topic on this separate topic.

00:45:51.220 I'll have a whole topic, inshallah. 0.97

00:45:52.340 She's sick. 0.99

00:45:52.940 But yeah.

00:45:53.620 So a leader is someone

00:45:55.100 who leads the family.

00:45:56.800 What does that mean?

00:45:58.060 Go out and gain the knowledge.

00:45:59.760 She's a young,

00:46:00.900 especially if you're married

00:46:01.720 to a young woman,

00:46:02.740 even if you're married

00:46:03.960 to a woman who's in her 30s, 40s,

00:46:05.980 she might not have herself

00:46:07.540 looked into what happens

00:46:09.360 after having a baby.

00:46:10.580 Why not?

00:46:10.980 We think about baby,

00:46:12.620 after nine months,

00:46:13.440 you have a baby.

00:46:14.280 But what comes with that?

00:46:16.440 You know, sometimes

00:46:17.080 sisters themselves

00:46:18.080 don't know these things.

00:46:18.720 Yeah, so I don't want

00:46:19.380 to be constantly negative, right?

00:46:20.640 But I'm just offering

00:46:21.240 a different opinion.

00:46:22.060 I don't necessarily agree with this.

00:46:23.000 I understand that,

00:46:23.420 but I'm trying to also

00:46:24.280 educate people out there.

00:46:25.880 Yeah, exactly.

00:46:26.160 That we say leader,

00:46:27.560 we say provider.

00:46:28.540 We understand these things,

00:46:29.180 but I've got all this coming up.

00:46:31.420 Yeah, exactly.

00:46:31.920 We're throwing all these words around.

00:46:33.360 I agree with everything

00:46:34.080 you guys have said, right?

00:46:35.480 But again,

00:46:36.280 there's been situations

00:46:37.160 where even if a man's

00:46:38.680 trying to take charge, right?

00:46:40.760 What do you mean by charge?

00:46:42.040 Okay, like leadership.

00:46:42.980 All the things

00:46:43.340 you've just suggested.

00:46:44.520 Taking, sort of,

00:46:45.360 charging the household,

00:46:46.600 taking care of,

00:46:47.360 do you know what I mean?

00:46:47.780 Being there for his missus,

00:46:49.020 essentially.

00:46:50.020 And what if the woman 1.00

00:46:50.900 still doesn't sort of

00:46:52.060 agree with that?

00:46:53.060 Because nowadays,

00:46:53.900 it's very common for

00:46:54.860 the woman to be the leader,

00:46:56.560 the woman to be in charge.

00:46:57.460 Yeah, you need to

00:46:58.580 source somebody

00:47:00.000 who knows

00:47:00.560 what to do

00:47:01.800 in the sense of

00:47:02.380 counsellor,

00:47:03.280 therapist.

00:47:03.760 Men are very like, 0.99

00:47:05.020 it's very hard to do that

00:47:06.100 because there's a lot of pride

00:47:07.040 to go to a counsellor

00:47:08.200 or a therapist

00:47:09.140 and say,

00:47:10.120 I've got problems

00:47:10.860 in my marriage,

00:47:11.480 please help me.

00:47:12.640 Can we just,

00:47:13.460 all right,

00:47:13.620 let's do this here.

00:47:14.120 Let's start talking about

00:47:14.880 the solution

00:47:15.380 that these two individuals

00:47:16.680 should discuss

00:47:17.460 in those two years

00:47:18.180 before they get married.

00:47:20.240 Yeah, I think let's talk

00:47:21.040 about the solution

00:47:21.600 which we already are.

00:47:22.840 But one thing

00:47:23.460 that I will talk about

00:47:24.040 as well is that

00:47:24.940 our sisters need to understand, 0.99

00:47:26.540 the whole point of the show

00:47:27.520 is obviously to preserve

00:47:28.240 the marital union

00:47:28.820 because there's a direct

00:47:29.540 attack on that.

00:47:30.960 So as men,

00:47:32.560 you need to understand

00:47:33.200 we are also,

00:47:35.040 you guys are mentally 0.77

00:47:36.100 more stronger than us.

00:47:37.040 Please understand that.

00:47:37.760 We are physically stronger.

00:47:38.680 Yeah?

00:47:40.240 Brother Sartaj punched

00:47:41.460 in which I don't think

00:47:42.540 it would ever work.

00:47:43.460 But even if he gave

00:47:44.100 about 20% of a slab,

00:47:45.720 I think a woman would die. 1.00

00:47:47.000 Yeah? 0.99

00:47:47.640 Physically.

00:47:48.520 Don't say that.

00:47:49.120 No, no, it would.

00:47:49.760 It's true.

00:47:50.160 You're physically stronger.

00:47:51.040 But mentally,

00:47:51.500 I believe you guys

00:47:52.020 are more stronger than us.

00:47:53.500 That's why if you look

00:47:54.040 at suicide rates,

00:47:55.140 men are more prone 0.74

00:47:56.340 to kill their self. 0.96

00:47:59.040 We are weaker. 1.00

00:47:59.580 You need to understand

00:48:00.080 something, yeah?

00:48:00.760 That's why sometimes

00:48:01.600 your words cut us up.

00:48:03.420 Like you think,

00:48:03.880 oh, it's just,

00:48:04.320 no, I was just venting out.

00:48:05.120 I don't care what you're

00:48:05.580 venting out.

00:48:05.900 You said some mad stuff.

00:48:07.360 Like what you said 0.78

00:48:08.160 is like me punching.

00:48:09.400 That's how it feels to us.

00:48:11.240 And this is where,

00:48:12.360 because it's verbal,

00:48:13.520 women get away with it. 1.00

00:48:14.320 It's like,

00:48:14.780 no, but she's just 1.00

00:48:15.280 venting out.

00:48:16.400 Yeah, but it's good.

00:48:17.600 Like, do you get

00:48:18.220 what I'm trying to say?

00:48:18.660 We are weaker

00:48:19.300 in that element.

00:48:19.860 And sometimes you ask

00:48:20.840 the question,

00:48:22.200 what's worse?

00:48:22.780 Physical violence

00:48:23.300 or psychological?

00:48:24.700 Physical violence

00:48:25.480 is still,

00:48:26.320 it's wrong.

00:48:27.320 But a bruise can heal.

00:48:29.120 But when you psychologically

00:48:30.160 destroy and dismantle

00:48:31.620 an individual,

00:48:32.180 as men,

00:48:32.980 sometimes sisters,

00:48:33.800 yes, they vent out

00:48:34.400 and when they are pregnant,

00:48:35.680 now, like you said,

00:48:36.540 some say they're possessed

00:48:37.460 or they've got a gin

00:48:37.960 inside them, whatever.

00:48:38.600 No, they don't.

00:48:39.740 But that is a lot

00:48:40.960 to deal with.

00:48:41.880 That is something

00:48:42.560 where you already,

00:48:43.720 we've got the responsibility

00:48:44.380 of being a leader,

00:48:45.160 provider, protector.

00:48:45.980 And now we're coming home

00:48:46.860 to where we deem

00:48:47.620 it to be peace.

00:48:48.480 And our wife

00:48:49.020 is going through something.

00:48:49.740 She's okay.

00:48:50.540 She's not blameworthy

00:48:51.380 as well.

00:48:52.300 But at the same time,

00:48:53.380 like, I don't know

00:48:54.140 what example to give.

00:48:55.080 I don't want to get

00:48:55.480 into that details,

00:48:56.080 but it's like,

00:48:57.020 arguments take,

00:48:58.000 a man has a,

00:48:59.060 this cycle,

00:49:00.080 whatever he goes through

00:49:01.020 and he gets physical.

00:49:02.320 There'll be like

00:49:02.900 no tolerance.

00:49:04.440 So what we're seeing

00:49:05.120 is as men,

00:49:06.000 please understand us.

00:49:07.720 The words are very hurtful.

00:49:08.980 Have mercy.

00:49:09.720 Have mercy on us

00:49:10.640 because we might look tough.

00:49:12.100 Like, I mean,

00:49:12.360 if someone saw

00:49:12.840 Brother Sertaj,

00:49:13.860 they would do a U-turn

00:49:14.640 and be like,

00:49:15.060 you know,

00:49:15.320 I don't want to really

00:49:15.860 mess with this guy.

00:49:16.820 But wallah,

00:49:17.240 I'll be honest with you,

00:49:17.780 like you,

00:49:18.120 like Mohammed Hijab, 0.93

00:49:19.620 but wallah,

00:49:20.120 I know brothers

00:49:20.760 who are like a tank. 0.81

00:49:21.960 The guy is like a tank.

00:49:23.440 But they would come,

00:49:24.800 I've heard stories,

00:49:25.460 they would come

00:49:25.840 and they complain

00:49:26.400 about their wife, bro.

00:49:27.220 I'm thinking, 0.99

00:49:27.500 bro, you're a tank, bro. 0.98

00:49:28.780 What are you on about? 0.98

00:49:29.300 But I understand

00:49:29.880 because I'm like,

00:49:30.820 he's like,

00:49:31.180 but she said this

00:49:31.900 and how could she say that, bro?

00:49:33.280 She's the closest person to us.

00:49:34.400 The guy,

00:49:35.060 you look at this grown man

00:49:36.520 who's like a tank, 0.87

00:49:37.220 who will beat up four guys

00:49:38.760 and he's crumbled.

00:49:40.580 So please understand,

00:49:42.140 as men,

00:49:42.580 we look harsh

00:49:43.360 and we look mean

00:49:44.060 and somebody tries

00:49:45.000 to say something like,

00:49:46.080 but we are really deep down.

00:49:48.000 Weak.

00:49:48.660 So I would say

00:49:49.840 to sisters that are watching this,

00:49:51.160 please understand,

00:49:52.060 yes, we want to,

00:49:53.480 we can put up with it.

00:49:54.860 By the way,

00:49:55.240 as long as there's nothing physical

00:49:56.100 and you're saying

00:49:56.960 some mad stuff,

00:49:57.520 by the way,

00:49:57.800 we don't want to give you guys

00:49:58.780 like a buffet,

00:50:00.500 all you can eat, yeah?

00:50:02.120 There should be tolerance.

00:50:03.040 So where do we draw the line

00:50:04.180 where you understand,

00:50:05.860 as men,

00:50:06.300 we look strong,

00:50:06.940 but we are deep down weaker

00:50:08.580 in that sense.

00:50:09.980 So can we talk about

00:50:10.960 some solutions

00:50:11.600 from you guys maybe

00:50:12.960 and then we'll come

00:50:13.640 to the brothers.

00:50:15.260 Sorry,

00:50:15.600 is it us guys first?

00:50:16.660 Yes, please. 1.00

00:50:17.040 Fuck it. 1.00

00:50:18.080 So yeah. 1.00

00:50:18.620 Maybe it's even

00:50:19.040 for the citizens

00:50:19.460 and advising them as well, yeah?

00:50:20.500 Do you want to go first?

00:50:21.940 Okay, yeah.

00:50:22.840 So communication is the key.

00:50:24.880 So a lot of the times,

00:50:26.200 us women are told 1.00

00:50:27.760 that men don't care, 1.00

00:50:29.200 you know,

00:50:29.700 and culture's a big one.

00:50:31.200 Yeah, 100%.

00:50:31.820 Culture's a massive one.

00:50:32.420 Culture is a big,

00:50:33.160 big problem

00:50:33.640 in our situation.

00:50:34.820 Okay, now I'm the man,

00:50:36.040 you deal with having a child,

00:50:38.200 you deal with the house

00:50:39.160 because I'm the leader,

00:50:40.340 I'm out,

00:50:40.700 I'm going to go

00:50:41.360 financially provide.

00:50:42.240 And some men

00:50:43.820 stop at that.

00:50:45.540 I'm financially providing

00:50:47.020 and that's it.

00:50:48.680 So therefore,

00:50:49.320 how does a woman 1.00

00:50:50.140 then connect emotion

00:50:51.680 to you

00:50:52.220 because you're not

00:50:53.060 showing any emotion

00:50:54.040 towards her?

00:50:55.080 You're not understanding

00:50:56.140 that she's going

00:50:57.200 through something

00:50:57.940 or if you're just saying,

00:50:59.340 yeah, I'm the provider,

00:51:00.540 I financially provide

00:51:01.560 and I work.

00:51:02.740 So as a society,

00:51:04.700 what are we doing

00:51:06.340 to our men and women?

00:51:08.580 How are we programming them?

00:51:10.180 What is programming us?

00:51:11.960 If you look at it,

00:51:12.680 if you look at media,

00:51:14.120 media is a big one

00:51:15.020 where, you know,

00:51:15.780 women are, 1.00

00:51:16.580 okay, they cry all the time 0.97

00:51:17.820 but men are these,

00:51:18.640 you know,

00:51:18.840 strong individuals

00:51:19.780 no matter whether

00:51:20.860 they're built

00:51:21.320 or they're not built

00:51:22.080 but a man is strong,

00:51:23.700 physically strong,

00:51:24.920 mentally strong,

00:51:25.780 all of this,

00:51:26.320 the strength is given

00:51:27.180 to the man

00:51:27.860 that he's the strong one

00:51:29.720 and then women 0.99

00:51:30.820 are looked upon as weak.

00:51:31.980 Now what's happening

00:51:32.800 in our society?

00:51:34.020 Women are playing 0.99

00:51:34.640 the role of men.

00:51:35.520 We're not weak,

00:51:36.860 we're quite strong.

00:51:38.160 Yeah, mentally, yeah.

00:51:39.060 So what's happening,

00:51:40.480 women's belief,

00:51:41.320 yeah, so yes,

00:51:43.580 we're strong in the sense,

00:51:45.320 okay, in some cases,

00:51:46.840 mentally giving birth,

00:51:48.580 physically,

00:51:49.300 we are strong.

00:51:49.920 So now if we look at that

00:51:50.940 and, you know,

00:51:51.840 Allah has blessed us

00:51:53.120 with that,

00:51:53.880 not the man.

00:51:55.300 So now,

00:51:56.740 where do we go

00:51:58.880 down the road

00:52:00.080 in that sense

00:52:00.620 that man's physically strong,

00:52:02.060 woman's also strong 1.00

00:52:02.920 because she can give birth 1.00

00:52:03.960 to a baby.

00:52:05.620 So, you know.

00:52:06.380 I think men,

00:52:07.600 we're not physically strong.

00:52:08.560 So, like,

00:52:10.200 we're not.

00:52:10.780 So physically in the sense.

00:52:11.760 We are physically,

00:52:12.320 look, look, look,

00:52:12.540 I'll be honest,

00:52:12.980 physically,

00:52:13.840 there's village, man,

00:52:14.760 there's no thing.

00:52:15.580 But when it comes to

00:52:16.500 psychologically,

00:52:17.340 mentally,

00:52:17.700 we are not as strong.

00:52:18.940 This is what I'm saying.

00:52:20.300 We need to,

00:52:21.520 as a society,

00:52:22.340 we need to be educated.

00:52:23.320 So, okay,

00:52:23.740 what should couples

00:52:25.120 speak about before?

00:52:26.480 So they're going to be like,

00:52:27.120 okay,

00:52:27.260 we're going to have,

00:52:27.980 we want to have a child

00:52:28.600 in two years' time.

00:52:29.540 Let's prepare for that.

00:52:31.020 Let's have those talks,

00:52:31.880 et cetera.

00:52:32.340 What do you,

00:52:32.860 like as a midwife, 0.99

00:52:33.560 sister and then sister

00:52:34.540 Anamta as well?

00:52:35.940 What would you say a man?

00:52:37.440 So talk to a man 0.98

00:52:38.040 and say,

00:52:38.720 what should he prepare for

00:52:40.840 with his wife?

00:52:41.440 What discussion should he have

00:52:42.260 with his wife?

00:52:43.060 And also,

00:52:43.700 please,

00:52:43.980 can you educate the sisters

00:52:45.060 who are watching also

00:52:46.160 as well,

00:52:46.800 give them some nasir

00:52:47.480 and then we'll come

00:52:48.260 vice versa to the brothers

00:52:49.260 because you have some experience.

00:52:49.980 You've had a child,

00:52:50.380 I've had a child,

00:52:50.960 you've had a child.

00:52:52.120 And inshallah,

00:52:52.440 we can help brother Mahdi.

00:52:55.140 Why not?

00:52:56.460 Inshallah.

00:52:58.420 You've got some good experience,

00:52:59.400 yeah,

00:52:59.440 come on,

00:53:00.880 learning a lot,

00:53:01.620 yeah.

00:53:01.740 I would say,

00:53:03.160 first of all,

00:53:04.180 you know,

00:53:04.860 we can go by society norms

00:53:06.780 in terms of like

00:53:07.920 these discussions

00:53:09.080 and stuff like that,

00:53:10.060 but really and truly,

00:53:12.440 when you're with your husband

00:53:14.160 or vice versa,

00:53:15.560 your wife,

00:53:16.260 you're a team.

00:53:17.880 Forget the outside world,

00:53:19.220 forget society norms,

00:53:20.740 you guys know each other

00:53:22.320 more than anyone else

00:53:23.840 in the world.

00:53:24.760 You guys operate

00:53:25.740 in your own way,

00:53:27.120 in your own team,

00:53:27.980 in your own,

00:53:29.240 you know,

00:53:30.060 again,

00:53:32.400 like,

00:53:33.860 you guys both know

00:53:34.760 each other's strengths,

00:53:36.020 you know each other's weaknesses,

00:53:37.360 and it's not based

00:53:39.260 on society norms.

00:53:40.120 So,

00:53:40.320 you know,

00:53:40.480 when you say,

00:53:41.100 oh,

00:53:41.240 like,

00:53:41.460 the woman's a lot stronger mind 1.00

00:53:43.600 than the man,

00:53:45.540 and the man's a lot stronger

00:53:47.100 in physical,

00:53:48.860 you know,

00:53:49.160 that's just society norms.

00:53:50.780 Take yourselves out of that.

00:53:52.380 Don't be brainwashed

00:53:53.740 by what society is telling you

00:53:55.440 and just go off

00:53:56.740 what you two are vibing

00:53:58.080 off each other,

00:53:58.880 okay?

00:53:59.240 You guys both know each other

00:54:00.500 more than anyone else

00:54:02.240 in the world.

00:54:03.260 And in terms of advice,

00:54:04.960 in terms of these discussions

00:54:06.240 to have,

00:54:07.440 again,

00:54:08.760 having a baby

00:54:09.700 and getting pregnant

00:54:10.880 and the whole parenting

00:54:12.400 is,

00:54:13.860 you know,

00:54:14.320 there's a broad,

00:54:15.680 like,

00:54:16.400 subject.

00:54:16.980 There's so many things

00:54:18.100 you could discuss,

00:54:19.300 but the main things

00:54:20.640 to discuss is,

00:54:22.460 are we prepared

00:54:23.520 financially

00:54:24.180 for any sort of situation,

00:54:26.400 whether that child

00:54:27.100 becomes disabled 0.89

00:54:28.080 and you have to,

00:54:29.320 you know,

00:54:29.840 take out a lot of,

00:54:31.280 like,

00:54:32.060 you have to pay for

00:54:33.760 a lot of medical bills

00:54:35.060 or a lot of,

00:54:36.320 just in the care

00:54:38.460 of a disabled child

00:54:39.800 if your wife dies,

00:54:42.480 you know,

00:54:42.900 there's so many subjects

00:54:44.300 you could talk about

00:54:45.280 and just to sit down

00:54:46.660 and try and cover

00:54:48.100 as much as you can

00:54:48.960 and also the midwives, 0.85

00:54:50.260 when you go to

00:54:50.960 your antenatal,

00:54:51.940 you know,

00:54:53.000 appointments,

00:54:53.820 we do cover these things

00:54:55.300 with the women

00:54:56.060 and the father

00:54:57.500 and we do have chats

00:54:58.540 with the father as well

00:54:59.600 and so you will have

00:55:00.940 a push towards

00:55:01.860 what kind of things

00:55:02.660 to discuss

00:55:03.360 and it's upon you

00:55:05.160 to use your initiative

00:55:06.580 and just be ready,

00:55:08.900 be vigilant,

00:55:10.080 be ready

00:55:10.620 and,

00:55:11.400 you know,

00:55:12.060 just,

00:55:13.000 that's the only way

00:55:13.780 you can really prepare

00:55:14.680 and also,

00:55:16.260 the biggest thing

00:55:17.140 is Allah,

00:55:18.740 you know,

00:55:19.720 making dua,

00:55:22.300 you know,

00:55:22.880 a parent's dua

00:55:23.720 between that

00:55:24.760 and it being accepted

00:55:25.820 as a piece of cloth,

00:55:27.040 you know,

00:55:27.580 you guys could really

00:55:28.580 prepare yourselves

00:55:29.500 in that sense as well,

00:55:31.620 so there's many things

00:55:32.540 you could do

00:55:33.180 and just cover your backs

00:55:34.460 and be ready,

00:55:35.180 that's all I can say,

00:55:36.200 honestly,

00:55:36.540 and also enjoy the ride,

00:55:39.020 like,

00:55:39.360 don't be too scared of it

00:55:40.600 because it can be fun.

00:55:43.060 Can be is the key word.

00:55:44.480 Yeah,

00:55:45.240 I think there's

00:55:46.220 a lot of educating

00:55:47.200 to be done as well,

00:55:48.260 a lot of research

00:55:49.160 within that whole communication,

00:55:50.640 let's say,

00:55:51.400 you know,

00:55:51.580 the whole nine months,

00:55:52.460 you have a lot of time

00:55:53.400 to communicate

00:55:53.960 with your spouse,

00:55:54.940 getting to know,

00:55:55.500 because you're still

00:55:56.040 in the process

00:55:56.520 of getting to know her,

00:55:57.720 that will never stop,

00:55:58.900 you will always get,

00:55:59.860 find out something new

00:56:00.880 about your spouse

00:56:01.740 and within that process,

00:56:03.700 I think,

00:56:04.600 don't just leave it at,

00:56:05.800 oh, you know,

00:56:06.360 yeah,

00:56:06.540 we're ready to have a baby,

00:56:07.440 we're financially strong.

00:56:08.680 A lot of research

00:56:09.640 needs to go into it,

00:56:10.680 for example,

00:56:11.200 even after having a baby,

00:56:12.320 for example,

00:56:12.700 postnatal depression,

00:56:14.140 some women sometimes 1.00

00:56:15.480 don't even come out

00:56:16.380 of that whole situation.

00:56:18.720 Sometimes for them,

00:56:19.540 therapy,

00:56:20.020 counselling doesn't even work.

00:56:21.500 For them,

00:56:21.820 sometimes speaking to your spouse

00:56:23.060 might be the only thing

00:56:24.020 that works.

00:56:24.820 So I think not leaving

00:56:25.940 the conversation as,

00:56:27.500 oh, you know,

00:56:27.920 I have a good job,

00:56:29.060 I have this much,

00:56:29.920 I'm able to have the baby.

00:56:31.620 The research needs to go into,

00:56:33.560 you know,

00:56:33.880 the aftercare,

00:56:34.820 the looking after the child,

00:56:36.800 the pattern,

00:56:37.560 the family dynamic,

00:56:38.520 how that's going to change

00:56:39.560 your shifts

00:56:40.620 and, you know,

00:56:41.080 all of that stuff,

00:56:41.780 having those conversations

00:56:42.740 with your wife

00:56:43.540 and sometimes there might

00:56:44.940 also be things

00:56:45.740 that she doesn't know.

00:56:46.880 So you can educate her.

00:56:48.320 There's sometimes things

00:56:49.180 you won't know,

00:56:50.280 you know,

00:56:50.820 she can educate you.

00:56:51.880 So that way,

00:56:52.420 it's a balance.

00:56:53.340 It works both ways.

00:56:54.240 There's a lot of effort needed.

00:56:55.360 Should there be any conversations

00:56:56.340 with the wider family as well?

00:56:58.980 Absolutely not.

00:56:59.860 Yeah,

00:57:00.420 I think having a child

00:57:01.900 is something,

00:57:02.640 like for example,

00:57:03.240 like sister said.

00:57:04.200 After you finish your sentence?

00:57:05.240 Like sister said,

00:57:06.240 it's you as a couple

00:57:07.820 having a baby,

00:57:08.760 not anybody else.

00:57:09.840 At the end of the day,

00:57:10.620 the responsibility is for you,

00:57:12.020 the mother and the father

00:57:12.960 and opinions,

00:57:15.640 opinions and all of that,

00:57:17.060 that does in a certain way matter,

00:57:19.180 but ideally,

00:57:19.920 I think it's between

00:57:20.620 the mother and the father

00:57:21.900 and they should take responsibility

00:57:23.520 for what they want to,

00:57:24.500 you know,

00:57:24.700 how they want to look

00:57:25.240 after their child.

00:57:26.140 Okay, good.

00:57:26.660 You said absolutely not.

00:57:27.560 Why is this that?

00:57:28.200 I strongly disagree with that

00:57:29.940 because,

00:57:31.480 you know,

00:57:32.800 as a mother,

00:57:35.680 if you have other people's input,

00:57:37.680 especially mothers-in-law, 1.00

00:57:38.940 sometimes they are not

00:57:39.880 the nicest of people.

00:57:41.700 As much as,

00:57:42.620 you know,

00:57:43.100 we would all love

00:57:44.180 to have a mother-in-law

00:57:45.240 who's very welcoming

00:57:46.220 and loving

00:57:46.780 and even your own mother as well,

00:57:49.840 welcoming other opinions.

00:57:51.560 Again,

00:57:51.840 it's the same thing

00:57:52.720 as when you're having

00:57:53.540 a dispute in your marriage,

00:57:55.120 would you go and tell

00:57:56.700 your extended family?

00:57:59.060 Someone you trust, yeah.

00:58:00.540 Someone you trust,

00:58:01.300 but these things

00:58:01.920 are not actually advised

00:58:03.280 in Islam.

00:58:04.940 You know,

00:58:05.640 you should have your disputes

00:58:07.000 within each other

00:58:07.780 and trying to solve it out

00:58:08.840 within each other

00:58:09.720 before you go out

00:58:11.020 to the extended.

00:58:12.440 Not disputes.

00:58:14.000 So,

00:58:14.360 we're talking about,

00:58:15.540 for example,

00:58:16.660 preparing for having a child.

00:58:18.320 Yeah.

00:58:18.640 For example,

00:58:19.340 the dynamics like in my house,

00:58:20.940 my mother-in-law

00:58:21.940 and my mum

00:58:22.700 also plays a key role

00:58:24.100 in like helping with the kids.

00:58:25.480 If it's blessed,

00:58:26.540 then absolutely.

00:58:27.380 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:58:27.400 Like,

00:58:27.620 so if you're talking about

00:58:28.240 a toxic mother-in-law 1.00

00:58:29.120 who's trying to tell you 0.96

00:58:29.760 what to do,

00:58:30.140 it's going to make situations

00:58:30.980 worth 100% understand.

00:58:32.620 But I think they should have

00:58:34.000 that dialogue discussion.

00:58:35.880 My two-pence piece

00:58:36.700 from the experience

00:58:37.620 that I have

00:58:38.100 is I think those discussions

00:58:39.460 should be had

00:58:40.020 and also,

00:58:40.900 like for example,

00:58:41.480 sometimes the baby always,

00:58:42.560 let's say,

00:58:43.060 cries all the nights,

00:58:45.100 all the times of the night.

00:58:46.560 But sometimes,

00:58:47.360 if a man is working, 0.54

00:58:48.140 I think it's good

00:58:48.600 to communicate with your wife

00:58:49.380 and say,

00:58:49.620 listen,

00:58:50.580 I understand you need help

00:58:51.740 and I am here

00:58:52.640 to the best of my ability,

00:58:53.300 but if I'm working the shift

00:58:54.560 and I'm coming,

00:58:55.140 I have to,

00:58:55.680 I will,

00:58:56.120 that night,

00:58:57.180 I will not be there

00:58:58.180 unless it's something urgent

00:58:59.260 like,

00:58:59.820 okay,

00:59:00.240 but other than that,

00:59:01.400 I mean,

00:59:01.820 do you get what I'm trying to say?

00:59:02.220 Because sometimes

00:59:02.520 the wife doesn't really 1.00

00:59:04.200 understand and comprehend

00:59:05.020 what the man is doing

00:59:05.660 because she can't see.

00:59:06.680 You know,

00:59:06.860 he's out there working.

00:59:07.920 He comes and he's like,

00:59:08.620 but I'm,

00:59:09.120 yeah,

00:59:09.360 but I'm providing

00:59:10.240 for this house.

00:59:10.880 Hello,

00:59:11.080 you know what you feed

00:59:11.580 the baby with?

00:59:12.100 Yeah,

00:59:12.240 I pay for that.

00:59:13.220 So the point is this,

00:59:14.940 to be clear and be like,

00:59:15.740 listen,

00:59:16.260 look,

00:59:16.580 for example,

00:59:17.420 I am free,

00:59:17.980 I have a day off

00:59:18.520 on this day.

00:59:19.460 I'll be able to aid

00:59:20.240 if the baby's like

00:59:20.960 not settling,

00:59:21.600 et cetera,

00:59:21.920 but I work Monday,

00:59:23.060 Tuesday,

00:59:23.320 Wednesday,

00:59:23.620 Thursday,

00:59:23.920 Friday.

00:59:24.620 I will not be able

00:59:25.260 to aid you if you want.

00:59:26.620 If it means it's really

00:59:27.600 struggling for you,

00:59:28.340 either get your mom

00:59:29.120 to stay the night,

00:59:29.740 argument,

00:59:30.100 say,

00:59:30.540 those discussions

00:59:31.280 should be had

00:59:31.720 because sometimes

00:59:32.240 conflict happens

00:59:32.960 where she's like,

00:59:33.920 I've been looking,

00:59:34.640 I'm sleepless.

00:59:35.480 Yes,

00:59:35.660 I know,

00:59:35.900 I'm going to work.

00:59:36.760 Do you get it?

00:59:37.360 I think that dynamic

00:59:38.480 has to be settled

00:59:39.460 so she understands,

00:59:40.440 look,

00:59:40.620 I'm working,

00:59:41.280 it's not,

00:59:41.620 I'm a malicious place.

00:59:42.640 I'm not,

00:59:47.980 I'm a good place.

00:59:48.480 She's thinking,

00:59:49.080 look what I'm doing.

00:59:50.420 Sometimes please

00:59:51.020 sisters understand

00:59:51.760 that man who's snoring,

00:59:52.960 he's snoring for a reason

00:59:53.860 which he's tired,

00:59:54.600 he's come back from work.

00:59:55.720 Don't see that as,

00:59:56.460 oh,

00:59:56.560 he's chilling

00:59:57.000 and please,

00:59:57.920 because I've seen a lot

00:59:58.500 of marriage sometimes

01:00:00.040 break down

01:00:00.600 when kids have happened.

01:00:02.260 This is why

01:00:02.700 I think it's important

01:00:03.820 to have in-laws,

01:00:04.660 good in-laws involved

01:00:06.100 because the mother

01:00:06.880 would come,

01:00:07.800 her,

01:00:08.040 like my mother would come

01:00:09.380 and stay over

01:00:10.380 and I would have no problem

01:00:11.020 because as long as

01:00:11.700 she's aiding,

01:00:12.380 she's helping,

01:00:12.820 et cetera.

01:00:13.660 And then sometimes

01:00:14.440 my mom would help

01:00:15.360 wherever she can

01:00:16.080 because inshallah

01:00:17.420 dynamic

01:00:17.820 is good

01:00:18.240 but the dynamic

01:00:19.160 of the mother,

01:00:19.680 you know, 0.75

01:00:19.820 is bad and toxic.

01:00:21.380 As a man,

01:00:22.080 it's your responsibility

01:00:22.800 to sadly protect

01:00:24.520 your mom's fit now

01:00:25.440 from your wife

01:00:25.980 with all due respect

01:00:27.020 to her and,

01:00:27.640 you know,

01:00:27.780 do you know what I'm trying to say?

01:00:28.620 There's a way to go

01:00:29.160 and talk about this stuff.

01:00:30.540 If you don't talk about this,

01:00:31.500 it's going to be chaos.

01:00:32.260 I think communication,

01:00:33.420 like you said,

01:00:33.820 is fundamental, bro.

01:00:35.560 But yeah,

01:00:35.880 I would say that,

01:00:36.460 but like you said,

01:00:37.120 it's, yeah.

01:00:37.860 I don't think communication

01:00:39.100 is the main point

01:00:40.260 to be honest.

01:00:40.820 Understanding is also

01:00:41.680 a main aspect as well.

01:00:43.240 Like,

01:00:43.760 I could see people

01:00:44.380 communicating all the time

01:00:45.360 on the issues

01:00:45.820 but if you don't understand

01:00:46.520 what the issues are,

01:00:47.580 what good is communicating

01:00:48.440 going to do?

01:00:48.860 It's the aspect of it.

01:00:49.360 Exactly, yeah.

01:00:50.160 So it's like the first foundation.

01:00:52.080 Understanding,

01:00:53.020 finding a resolution

01:00:53.820 for it as well.

01:00:54.700 Yeah.

01:00:55.060 That's also just as important

01:00:56.460 as communicating.

01:00:57.700 Do you know what I mean?

01:00:58.160 I know everyone's mentioned that

01:00:59.280 but I thought I'd offer that.

01:01:00.280 Yeah.

01:01:00.380 Yeah.

01:01:01.920 What was the fact?

01:01:03.780 Well,

01:01:04.260 what I want to say is

01:01:04.880 the thing is

01:01:06.580 a marriage is a blessing

01:01:07.900 thing for us as well

01:01:09.700 as having a child.

01:01:12.120 And the thing is

01:01:12.920 the connection

01:01:13.580 with the husband and wife

01:01:15.420 is very,

01:01:16.040 very important

01:01:16.540 because

01:01:17.640 for them

01:01:19.340 to be together

01:01:20.180 to bring up a family,

01:01:21.900 they need to,

01:01:22.580 like I say,

01:01:23.340 communication,

01:01:24.240 understanding

01:01:24.660 is very important

01:01:25.400 and enjoy the pregnancy

01:01:26.980 as well.

01:01:27.420 Like, you know,

01:01:27.980 be there for your wife

01:01:28.960 if she's craving anything.

01:01:30.980 Get her, 0.94

01:01:31.460 you know what I mean?

01:01:31.840 All sorts of support

01:01:32.980 that she needs.

01:01:33.900 You're there for her

01:01:34.720 when she's pregnant. 0.80

01:01:35.740 You're there for her

01:01:36.520 when she has the baby.

01:01:38.560 And if there's a problem

01:01:40.200 because a lot of women 1.00

01:01:41.540 that forget,

01:01:42.440 like,

01:01:42.900 they're so focused

01:01:43.660 on the baby

01:01:44.220 because they have

01:01:44.780 a certain connection

01:01:46.080 because they've been

01:01:46.580 carrying it for nine months

01:01:47.580 and maybe breastfeeding 1.00

01:01:49.420 the baby as well.

01:01:51.280 Sometimes you kind of

01:01:52.420 stay at the back

01:01:53.200 but if it's affecting you,

01:01:55.380 talk about it.

01:01:56.400 Talk about,

01:01:56.800 talking,

01:01:57.760 I think,

01:01:58.260 in our relationships

01:02:00.820 and I think

01:02:01.560 a lot of Asian community,

01:02:03.240 we don't talk a lot.

01:02:05.160 We, like,

01:02:05.920 think that

01:02:06.520 when everything comes

01:02:07.460 to a bit

01:02:08.800 that it just

01:02:09.900 comes out as an argument

01:02:11.000 and then it gets worse.

01:02:12.200 So if you see a problem

01:02:13.220 starting off,

01:02:14.040 it's going to be

01:02:14.420 a bigger problem.

01:02:15.500 Talk about it

01:02:16.060 before it becomes

01:02:16.760 a bigger problem

01:02:17.400 and I think

01:02:18.640 that's a very important point.

01:02:20.200 Isn't that,

01:02:20.640 the defences

01:02:23.020 are going to be up though,

01:02:24.080 aren't they?

01:02:24.700 Isn't that a big problem?

01:02:26.460 What do you mean

01:02:26.820 defences are going to be up?

01:02:27.980 Whenever you mention anything,

01:02:29.900 whether you or your wife

01:02:31.540 mention something

01:02:32.280 to the spouse,

01:02:33.760 their defences go up.

01:02:34.880 They're in argument mode.

01:02:35.960 It depends how you

01:02:37.700 approach the situation.

01:02:39.340 I mean,

01:02:40.100 the defences are going to be up

01:02:41.160 if you argue about it

01:02:42.360 but if you talk about it,

01:02:43.160 if you've got that connection

01:02:43.820 with your wife,

01:02:45.020 of course she's going to understand

01:02:46.140 that you're a good husband,

01:02:48.400 you only look after you,

01:02:49.700 you've got your best interests,

01:02:50.920 they're not going to be defensive,

01:02:52.420 they're going to be,

01:02:53.160 maybe I am.

01:02:54.520 But they might be,

01:02:55.140 they're not in the right state

01:02:55.760 of mind as well.

01:02:56.780 Again,

01:02:57.140 this is where,

01:02:57.860 I guess,

01:02:58.620 look,

01:02:58.820 I have to be trusted,

01:02:59.640 is where we men have to,

01:03:01.280 we have to ride it through.

01:03:02.620 It is hard.

01:03:03.280 The thing is like,

01:03:03.900 Islamically,

01:03:04.760 we have to make excuses

01:03:05.860 you know what I mean?

01:03:06.840 If someone's in,

01:03:07.560 like,

01:03:08.160 even if someone says to me,

01:03:10.560 like a stranger says something

01:03:11.980 wrong to me,

01:03:13.060 I have to make excuses for him

01:03:14.720 because he might not be

01:03:16.000 having a good day.

01:03:16.980 So if you make excuses

01:03:17.960 for strangers,

01:03:18.680 why can't we make excuses

01:03:19.840 for our wives? 0.99

01:03:20.800 It's true.

01:03:21.440 You know what I mean?

01:03:22.160 It is,

01:03:22.400 it is.

01:03:22.600 Most of you should think.

01:03:24.380 Be merciful because like,

01:03:26.000 it's not an easy thing

01:03:27.000 because like,

01:03:28.440 like they think about the child,

01:03:30.580 the connection with the mother

01:03:31.660 and child,

01:03:32.180 they think about the child

01:03:32.900 24-7.

01:03:34.120 They're always on their mind,

01:03:35.220 like it is,

01:03:36.560 for us,

01:03:37.160 we go,

01:03:37.700 yeah,

01:03:37.960 like we have a connection

01:03:38.820 with the child

01:03:39.380 but we don't have it

01:03:40.600 as a mother has.

01:03:42.480 You know,

01:03:42.700 I'm being brought up

01:03:43.360 by a single mum

01:03:44.180 and I know how she was

01:03:46.080 with us

01:03:46.940 and I see it with my wife.

01:03:48.700 So the thing is,

01:03:49.840 the connection with the mother

01:03:51.000 is a totally different thing

01:03:53.040 that a man will never understand.

01:03:54.520 That's why she's the mother

01:03:55.960 and you're the father.

01:03:57.360 Allah gave her that role.

01:03:58.280 Politely interrupt there.

01:04:00.680 In a medical sense,

01:04:02.360 there's this,

01:04:03.380 like,

01:04:04.060 phenomenon,

01:04:04.540 I can't say this one.

01:04:05.040 Phenomena.

01:04:05.680 That's the one.

01:04:06.700 Thank you.

01:04:07.680 It happens to me

01:04:08.300 so many times.

01:04:10.060 There's this thing

01:04:10.860 that we say,

01:04:12.200 mothers know best 0.97

01:04:13.120 and that goes deep

01:04:14.820 into even knowing

01:04:16.480 when there's a,

01:04:17.700 like,

01:04:18.420 an internal health issue

01:04:20.040 with your child.

01:04:21.200 It could be something

01:04:22.120 very small

01:04:23.060 as a slight temperature change

01:04:24.820 and the mother could feel it.

01:04:27.060 She will know

01:04:27.800 and it's something

01:04:29.220 that scientists

01:04:29.940 haven't been able

01:04:30.760 to put their finger on it

01:04:31.920 but as nurses,

01:04:33.680 as midwives,

01:04:34.660 as doctors,

01:04:36.260 everyone on the labour ward

01:04:38.280 knows,

01:04:39.300 mother knows best 0.57

01:04:40.520 when she says something

01:04:41.920 in terms of,

01:04:43.120 I'm not really sure

01:04:44.080 if we can go home.

01:04:45.160 I'm not sure my child

01:04:46.440 is ready to go.

01:04:48.180 She will know.

01:04:49.080 She will feel it.

01:04:49.900 Hence why,

01:04:50.380 again,

01:04:50.640 with that,

01:04:51.060 like,

01:04:51.300 you know,

01:04:51.480 the autistic child

01:04:52.480 that I was telling you about,

01:04:53.880 the mother will know

01:04:54.780 these things

01:04:55.300 from the newborn stage

01:04:59.220 and she'll be able

01:05:00.880 to pick it up

01:05:01.540 and so,

01:05:02.580 again,

01:05:02.920 it goes back to

01:05:03.600 bringing other people's

01:05:04.940 opinions into it.

01:05:06.580 When your wife

01:05:07.600 is telling you something

01:05:08.760 about your child

01:05:09.680 and she's going

01:05:11.840 against the people 0.98

01:05:12.760 who are giving you advice,

01:05:14.520 I would say

01:05:15.040 listen to her.

01:05:15.860 100%.

01:05:16.180 Three times first

01:05:17.600 and then listen

01:05:18.740 to other people.

01:05:19.400 100%,

01:05:19.800 when it comes to that,

01:05:20.580 yeah.

01:05:20.780 Because she is not,

01:05:21.860 she's not just,

01:05:23.000 you know,

01:05:23.480 saying it out of nowhere.

01:05:24.800 She is feeling this.

01:05:26.180 And another thing

01:05:26.780 I want to say,

01:05:27.200 don't be a lazy father.

01:05:28.300 Be a proper hands-on father 0.68

01:05:29.680 because I see loads

01:05:30.660 of lazy fathers.

01:05:31.880 Yeah. 0.96

01:05:32.060 You can't be a lazy father.

01:05:33.200 Spend time with your kids

01:05:34.340 is very,

01:05:35.180 very important

01:05:35.640 because the thing is

01:05:36.860 your kids will see that.

01:05:37.960 If your daughter sees that,

01:05:39.380 she'd be looking

01:05:39.880 for a husband like you.

01:05:41.240 If your son sees that,

01:05:42.380 she would want to be

01:05:43.000 a husband like you.

01:05:43.980 So this is a very important thing

01:05:45.480 because the cycle continues.

01:05:47.960 It's true.

01:05:48.760 You're talking about

01:05:49.380 a specific community

01:05:50.080 that might have that

01:05:50.880 but generally,

01:05:51.740 there are men

01:05:52.440 who work really damn hard

01:05:53.660 and I know you're not

01:05:55.680 talking about them

01:05:56.200 but yes,

01:05:56.920 if you don't see your dad

01:05:58.040 in the house a lot,

01:05:58.720 maybe it's because he's working

01:05:59.520 unless he's,

01:06:00.120 you know,

01:06:00.420 one of these fathers.

01:06:00.900 But the thing is,

01:06:01.440 brother,

01:06:01.640 what I've seen myself.

01:06:02.840 Yeah,

01:06:03.000 you're talking about

01:06:03.400 that's what I'm saying.

01:06:03.780 But the thing is,

01:06:04.520 what I've seen myself in that,

01:06:05.660 if I'm not there

01:06:07.160 or with my kids

01:06:08.280 when they were young,

01:06:09.040 if I wasn't not there,

01:06:10.320 like sometimes I used to go

01:06:11.220 like competitions and stuff,

01:06:12.320 I wasn't there

01:06:12.880 for like a few days,

01:06:14.200 my kids will act up.

01:06:15.580 Yes.

01:06:15.960 So the thing is,

01:06:16.580 the balance wasn't there.

01:06:17.740 Exactly.

01:06:18.220 There's a very,

01:06:18.820 very important in that

01:06:19.640 and I've seen it

01:06:20.240 with my own eyes.

01:06:21.320 Yeah,

01:06:21.500 it's vital.

01:06:22.100 They say,

01:06:22.440 studies show that

01:06:23.100 a man does a better job 0.98

01:06:25.020 bringing kids up

01:06:25.940 than a mother

01:06:26.640 in the sense,

01:06:27.180 let me give you some clarity

01:06:27.800 so it's a first time

01:06:28.420 before I get it.

01:06:29.720 The reason being is,

01:06:32.880 what the studies found

01:06:33.800 is the following.

01:06:34.700 The reason being is

01:06:35.320 because a mother

01:06:35.820 is coming with love,

01:06:36.800 nature,

01:06:37.180 mercy,

01:06:37.720 protection.

01:06:38.560 We men,

01:06:39.440 I would agree with you.

01:06:40.920 We men,

01:06:41.580 you know,

01:06:41.740 because with us

01:06:42.280 and this is why,

01:06:43.800 because if you think about it,

01:06:44.960 when a mother

01:06:45.600 becomes a single mother,

01:06:47.060 she has to have instincts,

01:06:49.380 she has to have

01:06:50.140 certain attributes

01:06:50.880 which are,

01:06:51.980 belongs to a man 0.97

01:06:52.660 because she needs

01:06:53.660 to be a mother and father.

01:06:54.800 In that sense,

01:06:55.480 why?

01:06:55.720 That shows that

01:06:56.300 for survival,

01:06:57.540 you need these traits

01:06:59.200 that a man has 0.89

01:06:59.920 that you can't give

01:07:00.500 and that's what I've seen

01:07:01.520 many,

01:07:02.020 by the way,

01:07:02.340 in my family.

01:07:03.500 I know individuals,

01:07:04.700 extend family,

01:07:05.560 where the son

01:07:06.320 is absolutely destroyed

01:07:07.340 and I've seen it.

01:07:09.040 I've literally seen

01:07:09.520 my own eyes.

01:07:10.120 Why?

01:07:10.560 Because the mother, 0.77

01:07:11.400 give him a job here.

01:07:12.340 No,

01:07:12.540 he can't do that.

01:07:13.520 No,

01:07:13.860 he can't do this.

01:07:14.360 Why?

01:07:14.580 Because she's coming

01:07:14.960 from an act of mercy.

01:07:16.760 But the father will say,

01:07:17.460 what?

01:07:17.820 Get out of here,

01:07:18.160 man.

01:07:18.280 Go,

01:07:18.540 get out of the house,

01:07:19.280 you've got two days,

01:07:20.700 we don't pay the bill,

01:07:21.440 bounce.

01:07:21.960 Yeah?

01:07:22.340 And he's thinking,

01:07:23.340 do you get it?

01:07:23.920 Yeah,

01:07:24.120 that is the missing component.

01:07:25.840 And I've seen many men

01:07:27.340 destroyed by,

01:07:28.980 again,

01:07:29.660 just understand,

01:07:30.800 we're not saying

01:07:31.240 it's the mother's fault 1.00

01:07:31.860 because sometimes

01:07:32.400 there'd be dad that leaves.

01:07:34.120 But what we're seeing is

01:07:34.800 the vital element

01:07:35.980 of the father being

01:07:36.820 in the life

01:07:37.660 is so key

01:07:38.440 and crucial.

01:07:39.700 We need to wrap up,

01:07:40.740 but any last words?

01:07:42.560 Yes,

01:07:42.900 I do have last words.

01:07:43.560 Please,

01:07:43.840 first of all,

01:07:45.440 welcome sister

01:07:46.100 for mentioning,

01:07:47.380 you know,

01:07:48.220 certain elements.

01:07:48.740 This is very vital,

01:07:49.620 yeah.

01:07:50.600 The other thing

01:07:51.360 was the brother mentioned

01:07:52.500 earlier on

01:07:54.300 in the discussion

01:07:55.500 about,

01:07:56.080 you know,

01:07:56.280 if the woman, 0.98

01:07:56.980 she doesn't,

01:07:57.740 I don't know what it was,

01:07:58.800 if she's not paying attention

01:08:00.200 or she's concentrating

01:08:01.520 on the baby

01:08:02.080 and she's ghosting

01:08:03.000 the husband,

01:08:04.260 then he might go out

01:08:05.260 and find,

01:08:05.860 you know,

01:08:06.120 something else

01:08:06.620 and it happens.

01:08:08.260 Now,

01:08:08.420 that's a very immature,

01:08:09.240 a man. 0.93

01:08:10.800 He's not a man, 0.98

01:08:11.960 I would say

01:08:12.380 he's still a boy.

01:08:14.240 He doesn't understand

01:08:15.840 that,

01:08:16.200 you know,

01:08:16.400 you can't just,

01:08:17.340 you've put that woman 0.74

01:08:18.760 in that situation,

01:08:19.760 you've decided

01:08:20.340 to have a child

01:08:21.120 with that woman,

01:08:22.480 then you can't

01:08:23.480 just jump off

01:08:24.400 the bandwagon

01:08:24.940 and say,

01:08:25.420 okay,

01:08:25.660 now I can't deal

01:08:26.700 with this,

01:08:27.200 so therefore

01:08:27.520 now I need to go.

01:08:29.360 Now,

01:08:30.040 tell me one thing,

01:08:31.140 when that man

01:08:31.820 goes off

01:08:32.380 with that other woman,

01:08:33.720 is he not going

01:08:34.320 to have a child

01:08:34.860 with her?

01:08:35.560 Isn't the same

01:08:36.580 cycle happening again?

01:08:38.500 How's he going

01:08:39.040 to handle that?

01:08:39.540 That's why

01:08:40.160 a lot of them

01:08:40.820 will go to escorts,

01:08:42.080 for example,

01:08:43.500 or even on the internet.

01:08:45.040 Okay,

01:08:45.840 that's non-museums.

01:08:47.180 We're talking about,

01:08:48.000 we're talking about...

01:08:48.080 Okay,

01:08:48.280 so let's just bring

01:08:48.800 some clarity.

01:08:49.760 I think what you're

01:08:50.340 trying to say

01:08:50.840 is that when they're

01:08:52.100 intimately being neglected.

01:08:53.300 Yeah.

01:08:53.460 Okay,

01:08:53.980 this is a reality.

01:08:56.060 Obviously,

01:08:56.420 there's a balance

01:08:56.960 that should be taken.

01:08:57.520 Just to pick the context

01:08:58.400 of what he's saying,

01:08:59.520 is obviously,

01:09:00.000 I'm sure you're not saying

01:09:00.920 that any man that,

01:09:02.040 you know,

01:09:02.260 his wife is,

01:09:03.000 and he's like,

01:09:03.360 no,

01:09:03.460 I'm going to get,

01:09:04.080 well,

01:09:04.160 you're going to go

01:09:04.420 to the same problem,

01:09:05.140 you know?

01:09:05.500 It's like I tell sisters,

01:09:06.300 you know,

01:09:06.420 if you think,

01:09:07.300 you know,

01:09:07.680 you're going to run away

01:09:08.440 from the issue of polygamy,

01:09:09.440 the next man is the same problem,

01:09:10.500 you're going to come

01:09:10.820 in a different form.

01:09:11.720 The problem is this,

01:09:13.160 men with us,

01:09:14.560 when it comes to intimacy,

01:09:15.900 the way,

01:09:16.360 there's many studies

01:09:17.100 that show this.

01:09:23.460 A man calls his wife to bed

01:09:24.620 and she says,

01:09:25.020 no,

01:09:25.160 the angels curse her.

01:09:26.240 The hadith does not say,

01:09:27.060 go and force yourself upon her. 0.91

01:09:28.040 He says,

01:09:28.320 rather,

01:09:28.740 okay,

01:09:29.040 no problem,

01:09:29.600 because she's actually

01:09:30.600 using that against him

01:09:33.240 in that sense,

01:09:34.020 because she's weaponizing. 1.00

01:09:35.160 If you think about it,

01:09:35.700 the hadith is actually

01:09:36.240 the wise person in that sense.

01:09:37.600 So for us,

01:09:38.120 it's such a great thing

01:09:39.460 and men are neglected

01:09:41.300 because if you think about it,

01:09:43.100 there's,

01:09:43.740 obviously,

01:09:44.680 we're adults here

01:09:45.280 and we're trying to have

01:09:45.860 a discussion that

01:09:46.480 it can benefit you guys at home,

01:09:47.620 but when a woman is pregnant,

01:09:48.640 it is hard,

01:09:49.320 it might be hard

01:09:49.780 to have intimacy

01:09:50.400 and then after that,

01:09:51.380 she gives birth,

01:09:51.920 then there's the postnatal bleeding

01:09:53.140 and then there's

01:09:53.900 the postnatal depression.

01:09:55.580 For us men,

01:09:56.140 you need to understand,

01:09:56.860 let's be real here,

01:09:57.400 one thing that I've actually

01:09:58.240 sunk in for me here

01:09:59.620 besides talking

01:10:01.100 is we men,

01:10:02.940 as long as much

01:10:03.540 as our sisters as well,

01:10:04.900 we go for a dam

01:10:05.860 of a hell lot as well

01:10:06.800 in this aspect

01:10:07.560 because it seems like

01:10:08.180 it's just the sisters

01:10:09.160 who were given birth,

01:10:10.040 yes,

01:10:10.280 100%,

01:10:10.680 but if you think about it,

01:10:12.500 we are being told

01:10:13.220 she's going to be unstable 0.99

01:10:15.280 emotionally,

01:10:15.900 that's not her fault,

01:10:16.600 we need to put up with it.

01:10:17.460 She's going to say

01:10:17.860 some hurt things

01:10:18.840 that's going to slice you up

01:10:20.000 like chicken,

01:10:21.080 you need to put up with it.

01:10:22.160 On top of that,

01:10:22.800 we're going to be neglected

01:10:23.540 intimately,

01:10:24.400 which is the,

01:10:25.120 for us it's like

01:10:26.100 the fitna that we live in 0.87

01:10:27.660 because imagine

01:10:28.400 you're not being intimate

01:10:29.300 with your wife

01:10:29.660 and now you're going out

01:10:30.540 like the Prophet 0.77

01:10:30.920 peace be upon him said,

01:10:31.800 if you see something outside

01:10:33.040 that triggers your desires,

01:10:35.240 come to your wife. 0.68

01:10:36.040 Now the wife is not available, 0.98

01:10:37.840 it's not her fault.

01:10:39.040 However,

01:10:39.400 if it is her fault,

01:10:41.660 then for a man

01:10:42.440 that's a whole different discussion

01:10:43.360 but I think here

01:10:44.620 we need to realise

01:10:45.240 we both are going

01:10:45.940 through some deep stuff

01:10:46.720 and we need to really

01:10:47.400 write this out.

01:10:48.260 Yes, Sister Farzana.

01:10:49.020 So first of all,

01:10:50.120 the word

01:10:50.540 put up with it,

01:10:51.640 nobody's telling anybody

01:10:52.840 to put up with anything.

01:10:53.780 Yes, we're not with it.

01:10:54.600 No, no, no, no.

01:10:55.260 No, we are.

01:10:55.700 What we're saying is

01:10:58.300 if you want to be a leader

01:11:00.480 of the family home,

01:11:02.060 then you need to lead.

01:11:03.020 You need to,

01:11:03.860 as women,

01:11:05.680 we need to be educated

01:11:07.700 on how emotional a man is,

01:11:09.940 what's making him sensitive.

01:11:11.500 For example,

01:11:12.560 I've come across sisters

01:11:14.160 where they've thought

01:11:16.140 they've not said much

01:11:17.240 but the husband's now

01:11:18.740 gone off on one,

01:11:19.860 you've hurt my feelings,

01:11:20.980 I didn't like what you say,

01:11:22.100 okay, tell me

01:11:22.720 what it was that I said.

01:11:24.620 Now he doesn't know

01:11:25.400 how to tell this wife

01:11:26.700 what she said

01:11:27.740 that hurt his feelings.

01:11:29.140 So now you have to,

01:11:30.820 as men open up,

01:11:31.860 so nobody's saying to you,

01:11:32.920 put up with me being this way,

01:11:34.880 put up with the fact

01:11:35.600 that I've just had a child,

01:11:36.680 put up with the fact

01:11:37.320 that I'm feeding that child

01:11:38.480 or looking after that child,

01:11:40.140 but it's down to communication again,

01:11:42.860 understanding that.

01:11:43.340 Communication and accountability.

01:11:45.000 Men aren't always good

01:11:45.900 at communicating,

01:11:46.720 that's the problem,

01:11:47.380 they bottle their emotions

01:11:48.240 up quite a bit,

01:11:48.940 don't they?

01:11:49.260 So in that situation

01:11:50.040 you were given,

01:11:50.880 he went on the mad one

01:11:51.800 because he didn't know

01:11:52.300 how to talk about his emotions.

01:11:53.840 He's probably not used

01:11:54.720 to doing that.

01:11:55.460 Yeah, but you're a team.

01:11:56.700 Yeah, and I was not mad.

01:11:57.220 You're a team,

01:11:57.860 but then you need to

01:11:58.540 know each other's,

01:11:59.800 you know,

01:12:00.340 strengths and weaknesses.

01:12:00.860 Yeah, exactly, yeah.

01:12:01.860 Like, if he's sad for a day

01:12:03.840 or his emotions drop

01:12:05.800 in like a,

01:12:07.500 in the day,

01:12:08.940 you will be able

01:12:09.660 to notice these things.

01:12:11.000 If you're that closely connected

01:12:12.860 and inshallah,

01:12:13.880 I hope every marriage

01:12:14.700 is like this,

01:12:15.480 but you should be able

01:12:16.920 to be so connected

01:12:17.940 that you can recognise

01:12:19.260 each other's emotions,

01:12:20.540 you can recognise

01:12:21.340 when one is feeling,

01:12:23.060 you know, down

01:12:23.920 or when one is

01:12:25.000 not in a good situation

01:12:26.600 or if they're,

01:12:27.760 you know,

01:12:28.040 feeling some type of way

01:12:29.260 and you should be able

01:12:30.480 to nurture each other

01:12:31.720 and care for each other

01:12:32.740 and fix these issues

01:12:34.000 and communicate them.

01:12:36.040 A lot of communication

01:12:36.980 is non-verbal,

01:12:38.400 you know.

01:12:39.200 He could be huffing

01:12:40.120 and puffing around

01:12:40.880 and you could realise.

01:12:42.260 Yeah, yeah.

01:12:42.580 What I want to say is like,

01:12:44.640 Mehdi, I want to ask you like,

01:12:45.920 you know,

01:12:46.140 if you had a best friend

01:12:46.940 that you're close to

01:12:47.700 all the time

01:12:48.820 and one morning you see him,

01:12:50.600 he's feeling down,

01:12:51.480 he's not being himself,

01:12:52.680 you ask him what's going on

01:12:53.800 because you picked up

01:12:54.480 on his body language.

01:12:55.560 He's not being himself.

01:12:56.820 So you and your wife

01:12:57.840 need to be like that.

01:12:59.120 You need to be best friends

01:13:00.200 and like,

01:13:01.640 understand each other,

01:13:02.680 understand each other's

01:13:03.640 body language.

01:13:04.620 Like, the thing is,

01:13:06.220 like my wife picks up 0.80

01:13:07.220 on my moods and that

01:13:08.560 if I'm feeling down

01:13:10.000 or maybe hungry

01:13:10.940 or, you know what I mean?

01:13:12.140 Or angry.

01:13:12.860 Hungry or angry.

01:13:13.860 Yeah, so the thing is,

01:13:15.000 she picks up on my mood

01:13:15.940 straight away

01:13:16.480 and the thing is like,

01:13:18.420 she knows that

01:13:19.060 if you have an argument,

01:13:19.940 she don't answer me back

01:13:21.280 because it makes

01:13:22.340 the situation even worse.

01:13:23.940 Till I calm down,

01:13:25.240 she will come talk to me

01:13:26.280 and like,

01:13:27.820 one thing she told me

01:13:29.460 about don't sleep

01:13:30.240 on an argument.

01:13:31.200 Yeah, yeah.

01:13:31.820 And the thing is,

01:13:32.500 she taught me that.

01:13:33.880 So the thing is,

01:13:34.580 she said,

01:13:34.840 when you have an argument,

01:13:35.680 don't sleep on it.

01:13:36.800 Sort it out before.

01:13:37.900 So these things

01:13:38.780 that you work together on it,

01:13:40.780 that is very,

01:13:41.880 very important

01:13:42.380 that we should always

01:13:43.980 do this before the kids.

01:13:45.740 When you have the kids,

01:13:47.160 your relationship

01:13:47.880 is going to be strong.

01:13:48.980 Okay, so I need to wrap up guys,

01:13:50.360 inshallah.

01:13:50.580 Just a few notes for myself

01:13:51.600 with the little experience

01:13:52.620 that I have.

01:13:53.300 Is number one,

01:13:54.080 like I said before,

01:13:54.640 have a two-year gap.

01:13:55.480 So say,

01:13:55.900 okay, this two-year gap

01:13:56.640 is just so we get to know each other

01:13:57.780 because you're going to be bonding.

01:13:59.240 Yeah?

01:13:59.560 Okay, make sure you're going,

01:14:00.500 traveling,

01:14:00.920 whatever you're doing,

01:14:01.480 inshallah.

01:14:02.020 Get to know each other

01:14:03.060 more, please,

01:14:04.160 rather than just

01:14:04.720 this aesthetic material.

01:14:06.760 Yeah, we're going to go holiday,

01:14:07.560 et cetera.

01:14:08.140 Just for the,

01:14:08.500 no, get to know each other.

01:14:09.580 Go to holiday with each other.

01:14:11.040 When I'm in each other,

01:14:11.500 I'm not saying to another place,

01:14:12.620 in the house,

01:14:13.360 on a holiday,

01:14:13.860 visiting each other.

01:14:14.720 Yes, okay.

01:14:15.520 Talking to each other

01:14:16.140 is very key.

01:14:17.080 When you decide to have a child,

01:14:18.480 I would say to our dear husbands,

01:14:21.620 our brothers, inshallah,

01:14:22.440 please make sure you're involved

01:14:23.480 when it comes to picking the clothes,

01:14:25.260 the baggy, et cetera,

01:14:26.220 whatever it is for that matter.

01:14:26.940 Because when you're involved,

01:14:28.780 it really is like,

01:14:29.600 okay, he's engaged.

01:14:30.720 He's excited about this

01:14:31.780 as much as I am.

01:14:32.840 Sometimes,

01:14:33.420 even when she mentions,

01:14:34.600 by the way, I'm pregnant,

01:14:35.860 please make sure your reaction

01:14:36.940 is not, alhamdulillah.

01:14:39.860 Not that there's nothing wrong with it,

01:14:40.860 but you know, it's like,

01:14:41.760 oh, okay.

01:14:42.460 Are you sure?

01:14:43.300 Oh, are you sure?

01:14:44.440 Okay, I need to go toilet.

01:14:46.780 I'll be back.

01:14:47.460 Yeah.

01:14:47.660 So that's number two,

01:14:48.920 just to touch upon this.

01:14:49.900 Make sure that you are excited.

01:14:51.620 Make sure she feels like that

01:14:52.720 because she's going to go through the,

01:14:54.000 you know,

01:14:54.320 I'm going to give birth.

01:14:55.500 Is he going to love me anymore?

01:14:56.780 Am I going to be the same?

01:14:57.600 Is my body going to change?

01:14:58.680 That's number one.

01:14:59.940 Number two,

01:15:01.020 to the sisters,

01:15:02.300 please do not compare your husband to,

01:15:04.900 yeah, but you know,

01:15:06.440 whether her name is Alicia's husband,

01:15:09.240 please don't.

01:15:10.660 If you can afford a buggy

01:15:11.600 that is 120 pounds,

01:15:13.420 say alhamdulillah,

01:15:14.400 don't compare your husband

01:15:15.640 to other people

01:15:16.500 and be like,

01:15:17.080 oh, but he doesn't hate it.

01:15:17.820 Well, it is catastrophic

01:15:19.000 because to us,

01:15:20.020 that is disrespect.

01:15:21.120 If I'm working,

01:15:21.900 providing,

01:15:22.420 doing all that kind of stuff

01:15:23.700 and the only thing I can afford

01:15:24.840 is a 150 pound buggy,

01:15:26.140 I know you're telling me,

01:15:27.080 but my friend's got a 800 pound buggy.

01:15:29.180 I don't give a damn about your friend

01:15:30.220 and a buggy, yeah?

01:15:31.600 Okay, I don't know

01:15:32.320 what kind of relationship they have.

01:15:33.520 So that's number two.

01:15:35.660 Number three,

01:15:36.480 speak to your in-laws.

01:15:37.540 So get the dynamics.

01:15:38.460 For example,

01:15:39.020 me and my wife,

01:15:39.580 she said usually in our culture,

01:15:41.020 it's, you know,

01:15:41.600 you stay in the mother-in-law's house

01:15:42.700 and I said, you know,

01:15:43.600 obviously like I would want you next to me,

01:15:45.080 but if that meant to be,

01:15:46.820 you know, that's fine.

01:15:47.780 You know, I can visit

01:15:48.260 or your mom can come over,

01:15:49.660 get those dynamics in place

01:15:50.960 so you know

01:15:51.640 because otherwise,

01:15:52.600 if you don't do that,

01:15:53.900 when you're going to work,

01:15:55.060 she's in her head expecting

01:15:56.060 you should help,

01:15:56.960 make sure communication is clear.

01:15:58.800 This is what's going to happen.

01:15:59.880 Just so you know,

01:16:00.420 I work these days,

01:16:01.100 I might not be able to help you.

01:16:02.040 Maybe your mom can come and stay over.

01:16:03.560 Get those dynamics in place

01:16:05.000 and in a nutshell,

01:16:06.200 main thing,

01:16:07.340 please make dua

01:16:08.320 that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala 1.00

01:16:09.580 blesses the marriage,

01:16:11.220 blesses your new child

01:16:12.140 because without Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala,

01:16:13.920 all these dynamics I gave you

01:16:15.040 is zero.

01:16:15.980 When you have Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, 1.00

01:16:17.620 dua, tawakul

01:16:18.460 and then implement

01:16:19.920 tying the camel

01:16:20.720 and then have your tawakul in Allah.

01:16:22.400 That's what I would say.

01:16:23.240 Did you want to say something last day?

01:16:24.360 I want to finish, inshallah.

01:16:25.060 Yeah, just the brother's question

01:16:27.100 wasn't answered about

01:16:28.200 how do I communicate

01:16:29.580 that across to my wife?

01:16:31.680 So self-reflection

01:16:33.080 is one of those things

01:16:34.180 because we all have triggers.

01:16:36.280 We all, you know,

01:16:37.480 there's something in us

01:16:38.460 that we believe

01:16:39.540 that that person caused that pain.

01:16:41.340 So first of all,

01:16:42.060 understand that pain.

01:16:43.160 Is it really something

01:16:44.180 that your wife said

01:16:45.060 or is it something that's

01:16:46.680 kind of,

01:16:47.340 you've been through in the past?

01:16:49.440 Yeah.

01:16:49.760 And that's come up for you.

01:16:51.340 Yeah.

01:16:51.460 If you're struggling

01:16:52.900 to communicate

01:16:53.600 with your wife,

01:16:54.920 most likely

01:16:55.680 there's something

01:16:56.220 that's come up for you

01:16:57.180 from the past

01:16:58.240 and now you can't

01:16:59.820 connect the two.

01:17:01.020 Okay.

01:17:01.180 So self-reflecting

01:17:02.560 and reflecting

01:17:03.160 on where that's coming from

01:17:04.680 will help you

01:17:05.320 then communicate

01:17:06.180 that, okay,

01:17:07.100 this is what you said

01:17:08.380 but it's not

01:17:09.100 about how you said it

01:17:11.000 but those words

01:17:12.440 that impacted me

01:17:13.660 in a negative way

01:17:14.440 because I've been

01:17:15.180 there in the past

01:17:16.340 or something's

01:17:17.300 happened in the past

01:17:18.260 and you made me feel like

01:17:19.460 that small

01:17:20.720 at that point.

01:17:22.020 She doesn't know

01:17:22.660 what you've been through

01:17:23.380 in life.

01:17:24.240 There's only so much

01:17:25.100 you know about it.

01:17:25.240 When did you say

01:17:25.800 you wanted to get,

01:17:26.880 you have your first child?

01:17:28.060 About 27, 28.

01:17:28.880 27, 28, yeah.

01:17:29.820 Oh, 27.

01:17:30.600 Okay.

01:17:31.240 And how are you old now?

01:17:32.380 25.

01:17:32.980 I'm 25.

01:17:33.400 Two years.

01:17:34.200 Two years.

01:17:34.500 Better find her quickly then. 0.99

01:17:36.960 He's got two free years

01:17:37.860 even if he gets 27

01:17:38.600 he'll be 30.

01:17:39.260 If he's 30,

01:17:39.780 he'll be 33.

01:17:40.640 By age or marriage.

01:17:41.800 Plus two years on that.

01:17:42.980 Plus two.

01:17:43.540 Can I end on

01:17:46.800 one more thing?

01:17:47.680 It's very vital, yes.

01:17:48.660 Please attend

01:17:49.560 all the appointments.

01:17:51.080 Antenatal,

01:17:51.860 postnatal,

01:17:52.880 labour.

01:17:54.320 Just know what's going on.

01:17:55.980 Read the books.

01:17:57.040 Read, you know,

01:17:57.860 yeah.

01:17:58.400 She has a book

01:17:59.560 that tells her everything.

01:18:01.080 Her birth plan,

01:18:02.440 what's, you know,

01:18:03.300 the baby's birth percentile.

01:18:05.960 Oh, yeah, yeah.

01:18:06.500 And all these things,

01:18:07.700 please get clued up on it

01:18:09.120 and know your baby

01:18:10.220 before it's born.

01:18:11.560 Yeah, yeah.

01:18:11.900 I think that's,

01:18:12.580 that's,

01:18:12.820 that's very,

01:18:13.220 and also know

01:18:15.140 your wife's health issues

01:18:16.900 and the things

01:18:18.400 that she's going through

01:18:19.460 as well

01:18:19.900 because these antenatal appointments

01:18:21.380 will have these things

01:18:22.620 written down

01:18:23.160 and it will be spoken about

01:18:25.600 in the appointments.

01:18:26.320 So please don't attend.

01:18:27.820 Don't,

01:18:27.980 don't be deadbeat about it.

01:18:29.300 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:18:29.660 No, they should,

01:18:30.240 pertaining to when I said

01:18:31.260 clothes shopping,

01:18:32.300 et cetera,

01:18:32.580 that should be a part of it.

01:18:33.380 Be involved.

01:18:33.880 And again, brothers,

01:18:34.540 if you have a job

01:18:35.220 which is try your best

01:18:36.600 to be there as much as possible

01:18:38.160 and sometimes should be

01:18:38.920 understand,

01:18:39.200 look, this one I can't come to.

01:18:40.280 As long as you've come

01:18:41.100 to a couple of years,

01:18:41.560 just show that you care.

01:18:43.300 Brothers and sisters,

01:18:43.680 hope you guys benefited from this.

01:18:44.740 I really did,

01:18:45.280 alhamdulillah.

01:18:46.000 And may Allah bless you guys,

01:18:47.120 inshaAllah.

01:18:47.720 Hope you guys enjoyed this episode.

01:18:49.360 Like I said before,

01:18:49.940 if you want to be a part of it,

01:18:51.280 the email is there,

01:18:51.980 you can apply.

01:18:53.480 And yeah,

01:18:53.820 that's it from the Bitty Truth Show

01:18:54.940 with our honourable sisters

01:18:56.060 and our amazing brothers.

01:18:57.720 Till next time.

01:18:58.340 As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.

01:19:00.160 The Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said,

01:19:02.920 whoever builds a masjid 0.85

01:19:04.080 for the sake of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala,

01:19:05.840 Allah will build for him 1.00

01:19:07.380 a similar house in Jannah.

01:19:09.620 On that day

01:19:10.340 where Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala tells us

01:19:11.980 that our books will be given

01:19:13.180 and every little atom weight

01:19:15.520 of good deed you've done

01:19:16.360 will be there.

01:19:17.420 And imagine you see a mountain

01:19:19.180 and you're like,

01:19:20.120 what a lucky person.

01:19:21.380 Which righteous person?

01:19:23.440 And Allah says,

01:19:24.000 this is for you.

01:19:24.700 For me?

01:19:25.720 Yes.

01:19:26.380 What did I do?

01:19:27.760 You allowed people to pray.

01:19:29.480 You built a masjid.

01:19:30.540 I never had the money

01:19:31.100 to build a masjid, oh Allah. 0.88

01:19:32.520 You helped.

01:19:33.640 You gave towards it

01:19:34.540 and Allah gives you the reward

01:19:35.700 of as if you've built it.

01:19:37.560 Donate now guys

01:19:38.360 and do not delay.

01:19:39.500 And share the video

01:19:40.320 for extra rewards.

Ali Dawah - May 31, 2024

BIGGEST MISTAKE NEWLY WEDS MAKE - EP 27 ｜｜ BITTER TRUTH SHOW

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