Ali Dawah - DIVORCE PANDEMIC!! WHAT'S THE CAUSE？

00:00:00.000 I think the biggest thing is disrespect.

00:00:03.440 The build-up of that can get to a point

00:00:05.960 where someone just feels that they can't live with that person anymore.

00:00:09.900 OK, I did see that this brother or this sister wasn't good for me,

00:00:13.820 but ultimately I still went ahead with it.

00:00:15.760 The one who's willing to walk away from the negotiation

00:00:18.320 is the one who's more powerful in the negotiation.

00:00:20.980 The reason being because a lot of male suicide

00:00:23.440 is actually linked to the breakup of relationships

00:00:26.480 and a lot of female traumatic experiences are linked to marital issues.

00:00:32.180 Men, when they marry firstly, it's all about looks.

00:00:34.400 And when they marry and realise, I married a shayateen,

00:00:36.980 then they come to reality.

00:00:38.720 They're like, OK, this girl was 10 out of 10, whatever,

00:00:41.360 but she made my life living hell on earth.

00:00:44.220 So marriage is not a cure for a man or a woman

00:00:46.700 who are addicted to pornography or a toxic person or a mummy's boy.

00:00:50.920 They say a soulmate is somebody who you decide to make it work with.

00:00:55.120 There's no one that's meant to be.

00:00:57.640 It's someone that you decide that you're going to make it work with that person.

00:01:01.980 I think we need to start looking, like other brothers said, closer to home.

00:01:05.000 So rather than looking for role models online, look at home.

00:01:08.040 Look at how your dad treats your mum.

00:01:09.360 And if he doesn't treat her right, learn from that.

00:01:12.020 Understand that that's not how I'm going to treat my wife or my husband.

00:01:15.660 You don't pray salah.

00:01:16.860 You commit major sins.

00:01:17.920 You violate Allah's legislation.

00:01:18.960 And then you're surprised, why is my life, forget your wife.

00:01:22.180 Why is life not going right?

00:01:23.320 Why is this happening at home?

00:01:24.140 Well, it's direct consequences in sin.

00:01:26.720 Another thing about a counsellor is by definition,

00:01:29.000 a counsellor is not supposed to necessarily tell you what to do.

00:01:31.740 And they're not supposed to judge.

00:01:33.240 They're supposed to guide you.

00:01:34.500 They're supposed to help you reach your own conclusion.

00:01:37.220 When marriage disputes happen,

00:01:38.700 the husband or the wife goes to somebody else

00:01:40.620 and now they're giving advice based on their marriage and their standards.

00:01:44.440 And they're like, brother, yours is bespoke for you.

00:01:47.020 Lots of men are married to women who do not wear hijab, right?

00:01:49.960 And then later on down the line, it's like, put your hijab on.

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00:02:21.340 As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.

00:02:22.920 Brothers and sisters and dear friends, hope you guys are well inshallah.

00:02:25.000 Welcome to another episode of The Bitter Truth Show.

00:02:26.940 We'll be discussing a very, very important topic which is affecting everybody globally,

00:02:32.940 especially the Muslim community, which is the breakdown of the family unit.

00:02:36.500 Why is that happening?

00:02:38.620 But before we start, brothers and sisters, on the panel,

00:02:41.920 the bitter puzzles are there.

00:02:42.940 If you have a disagreement with somebody, just press it and they'll have...

00:02:47.080 That is invalid.

00:02:48.220 No, you don't...

00:02:48.940 With the champ, you can't do that.

00:02:50.840 Does it even work?

00:02:51.600 Why is it working?

00:02:53.120 Oh, press it properly.

00:02:54.140 You broke it.

00:02:54.860 Yeah.

00:02:55.000 I didn't touch it though.

00:03:00.060 Okay, so the topic at hand is basically the breakdown of the family unit.

00:03:03.380 Why are marriages breaking down?

00:03:04.960 So if you disagree with someone, you press it.

00:03:06.440 They have one and a half minute.

00:03:07.260 Please don't interrupt that person.

00:03:08.240 Let them speak.

00:03:08.820 And after one and a half minute, I will stop them.

00:03:11.380 And yeah, no backbiting, no slandering.

00:03:13.620 And inshallah, yes, according to Islamic etiquettes.

00:03:17.380 So the topic at hand is very simple.

00:03:19.900 We know, for example, divorce rates are affecting everybody.

00:03:23.020 I think there was a study done that in America.

00:03:25.000 Nearly 40% or 50% of women are single mothers.

00:03:28.540 Yeah.

00:03:28.760 And if we look at 30, 40 years ago, that was about 5%.

00:03:31.980 So we can see where the trajectory is going.

00:03:35.660 Before that, let's just, you know, introduce yourself to inshallah, sister, from sister Farzan and onwards this way.

00:03:41.400 So my name is Farzan and I'm a relationship coach and a therapist.

00:03:44.940 I work with Muslim women and couples, Muslim women and couples to help them, guide them through their relationship.

00:03:53.420 So it can go either way.

00:03:54.940 So it can be a marriage that has to end or a marriage that can be saved.

00:03:59.760 So I work with...

00:04:00.660 So, Masha, you're at the front lines, alhamdulillah, battling this.

00:04:02.560 Alhamdulillah.

00:04:03.080 So it'll be very insightful.

00:04:04.080 Sister Aira.

00:04:05.680 As-salamu alaykum.

00:04:06.420 My name is Sister Aira Deen.

00:04:07.640 I work in a school and I have first-hand experience being a single mum.

00:04:12.200 Second mum.

00:04:13.140 Yeah.

00:04:13.540 And sister, I've got your name.

00:04:17.640 This is Ghislaine.

00:04:19.000 This is Ghislaine.

00:04:19.640 So I'm Ghislaine.

00:04:20.900 I work in higher education.

00:04:23.220 I also volunteer supporting members of the Ummah navigate the legal system in the country with regards to family and divorce.

00:04:32.820 And I also have experience with being a single mum but also being divorced as well.

00:04:40.860 And sister, dopamine?

00:04:42.980 Well, I go by Dr. Dopamine, but on here you can call me Sister Dopamine.

00:04:46.580 And I'm a newly life coach that has specialised in relationships, but mainly with people who have had toxic relationships and trauma.

00:04:55.760 Yeah.

00:04:56.400 So.

00:04:56.960 And new on social media.

00:04:58.900 So.

00:04:59.580 I'm Zeeshan.

00:05:00.580 I'm a YouTuber, educator, journalist.

00:05:04.040 Mashallah.

00:05:04.860 Allah Mubarak.

00:05:06.580 Hi.

00:05:07.440 My name's Mubarak.

00:05:08.560 So I work in finance and I'm 21.

00:05:11.360 I don't really have experience with like relationship stuff.

00:05:13.800 But yeah.

00:05:13.940 Yes.

00:05:14.420 And we've got, alhamdulillah, Baba Hijab, inshallah, which needs no introduction.

00:05:20.400 I'm Rabbi, Rabbi Asim.

00:05:21.860 Yeah.

00:05:22.280 So in a nutshell, guys, let's get straight into the topic.

00:05:24.500 If you think about it, you know, I was talking about taking the aql over the naql, yeah?

00:05:27.480 And I always say this is basically taking our logical processes over what Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has prescribed.

00:05:33.220 Look, guys, you need to understand this.

00:05:35.300 Sins have consequences.

00:05:36.300 You can look at Yusuf, alayhi salam.

00:05:37.780 You look at the surah.

00:05:39.600 Yeah.

00:05:40.380 It is told that, for example, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is not with it.

00:05:45.560 I can't remember the verse.

00:05:46.540 But in a nutshell, meaning that consequences of your sins.

00:05:50.120 Bro, you've got a married couple.

00:05:53.140 This woman, she doesn't even pray salah.

00:05:55.000 This man doesn't even know his case.

00:05:57.040 Bro, you're in sin.

00:05:58.140 You're swimming in sin.

00:05:59.880 And then you're thinking, actually, the Salaf would say that they would go.

00:06:03.800 And if they knew they committed a sin, argument say.

00:06:06.720 They looked, argument say, to a woman.

00:06:09.260 They didn't know with their gaze.

00:06:10.660 When they come home, they will see their wife wilding out.

00:06:13.220 They would know which sin connects where.

00:06:15.940 They would know, you know what, bro?

00:06:17.500 It's that sin that I did that I'm seeing it coming out in my wife, in my riding beast.

00:06:23.680 Meaning what?

00:06:24.980 The point is what?

00:06:25.780 The sins that you commit have an impact.

00:06:28.560 Before these cultures and this, wallahi, have you ever explored yourself going to the command of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala?

00:06:37.580 Do you even pray salah?

00:06:38.940 You don't pray salah.

00:06:40.100 You commit major sins.

00:06:41.220 You violate Allah's legislation.

00:06:42.460 And then you're surprised.

00:06:43.660 Why is my life?

00:06:44.560 Forget your wife.

00:06:45.460 Why is life not going right?

00:06:46.600 Why is this happening at home?

00:06:47.800 It's direct consequences in sin.

00:06:50.240 And what we do is we say, oh, I need to go to a marriage course.

00:06:52.760 Brother, first fix your relationship with Allah.

00:06:55.780 If you've done that, if you're like, you know what?

00:06:57.880 We pray our salah together.

00:06:59.300 Yes?

00:06:59.740 We don't commit major sins.

00:07:00.780 We do all of this.

00:07:02.000 Then I will say, brother, go check the council out, man.

00:07:05.060 Just try it.

00:07:05.840 But you don't even do that.

00:07:07.440 How many Muslims are committing sins over sins?

00:07:10.720 What you earn, the Prophet ﷺ said.

00:07:12.340 He pointed at a man and said, what he drinks is haram.

00:07:14.840 What he wears is haram.

00:07:16.560 And you want good results.

00:07:17.880 Wallahi, it's mind-boggling, bro.

00:07:20.000 You don't even give the basic haq of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.

00:07:23.360 And then you come and complain.

00:07:24.760 I'm a speaker's corner.

00:07:26.000 Some sisters come and go, oh, I'm finding it hard to get married.

00:07:28.300 Bro, I ask a simple question.

00:07:29.420 My dear sister, how is your relationship with salah?

00:07:32.320 Do you know what's the reply?

00:07:34.540 I'm thinking, what the audacity, man?

00:07:37.580 You don't even give the basic haq of Allah.

00:07:40.000 And you're here, why can't I get married?

00:07:42.240 Why are things not going right?

00:07:44.080 How do you want it to go right?

00:07:45.960 So the first thing is, the crux of the matter is what?

00:07:49.140 Tawheed.

00:07:49.960 Your obedience to Allah.

00:07:51.740 Everything from the way you walk towards, what you hear, what you see.

00:07:55.780 Sins have a consequence.

00:07:57.580 And you commit the sins, indulge, indulge, indulge, indulge.

00:08:00.160 And then, oh, my wife is barking up.

00:08:02.100 This should actually be at the start of the video.

00:08:03.760 No, but I'm going to put this at the start of the video, bro.

00:08:06.480 This is very important.

00:08:07.020 I'm the power to edit, yeah?

00:08:08.440 Because we're cutting you a bit, definitely.

00:08:09.900 No, Jeff.

00:08:11.640 No, I'm joking, bro.

00:08:12.480 You know what's actually important?

00:08:13.880 You're, this bit, alhamdulillah, this is important.

00:08:16.500 And then, what you said is so profound.

00:08:18.800 Then you can say, me and my wife.

00:08:19.680 Can we cut out the marriage with the intent of giving?

00:08:24.800 Are you reading my heart?

00:08:27.340 So the point is this, yeah?

00:08:28.620 Is that what?

00:08:29.600 Wallahi, I swear.

00:08:30.980 What Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala sent is haqq.

00:08:33.320 If you guys do that, please, wallahi, the recipe is in the Quran.

00:08:37.060 It's unbelievable.

00:08:38.240 The one who created the heavens and the earth has given you a recipe.

00:08:40.380 If you went to your doctor and your doctor said, you need to do A, B, C,

00:08:43.060 you'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I need to do that.

00:08:44.260 He knows what he's talking about.

00:08:45.280 The one who created the heavens and the earth is giving you a recipe,

00:08:48.960 you turn your back on it, and then you cry.

00:08:51.280 All I'm saying is very simple.

00:08:52.600 Wallahi, billahi wa ta'ala.

00:08:54.480 If you just pray your salah on time,

00:08:56.780 giving zakah, sadaqah, fasting,

00:08:58.800 be good, alhamdulillah, stay away from major sins.

00:09:01.520 Then, if you say, you know what, there's some rift.

00:09:03.720 Then you can say, now this is human psychology.

00:09:06.240 Okay, some things, okay.

00:09:07.320 Go to a counsellor then.

00:09:09.140 But before that, you're dreaming,

00:09:11.240 if you think you're going to go to a counsellor,

00:09:12.580 and the counsellor's going to fix your problem.

00:09:13.840 The one that's going to fix your problem is the one who's created you.

00:09:16.320 This is the crux of the matter in everything we do, inshallah.

00:09:19.760 Yeah, so in a nutshell, guys, let's get straight into the topic,

00:09:22.620 which is, why are marriages breaking down?

00:09:26.080 Now, let's start with Sister Farzana,

00:09:27.160 because you are dealing with this head-on.

00:09:29.140 So, where do you think this is stemming from?

00:09:33.180 And is it most of your clients, are they sisters or brothers?

00:09:35.680 Sisters.

00:09:36.360 So you're dealing with sisters, okay, that's fine.

00:09:37.820 Sisters or couples.

00:09:38.820 Sisters or couples, okay, that's good.

00:09:40.400 When you see two individuals, married couple,

00:09:43.080 come in to get this, you know, handle this coaching,

00:09:47.840 what do you see the problem is?

00:09:49.840 Like, where do you, because there's so many,

00:09:51.040 like, people say it's because of this, or it's because of that.

00:09:53.380 I mean, everyone's putting their finger on something.

00:09:55.600 But from your point of view and your experience, Sister Farzana,

00:09:58.340 where is this stemming from, this divorce, divorce?

00:10:02.060 And it's become so rampant.

00:10:03.520 Like, please tell us.

00:10:04.880 Okay.

00:10:05.340 So, if we look on a surface level, you know, when people say,

00:10:08.760 okay, previously there was a topic on whether the husband gives flowers or not.

00:10:14.340 So that's the surface level we're looking at.

00:10:16.380 We have to go on to a deeper level in the sense that

00:10:18.500 why are these relationships breaking down?

00:10:20.840 So it's not just about lack of romance.

00:10:22.500 It's not just about lack of a physical relationship, all these factors.

00:10:26.420 But there could be factors such as a family dealing with disabilities,

00:10:31.300 where the wife may have a disability, the husband may have a disability.

00:10:35.600 Or there might be domestic violence.

00:10:38.240 There might be lack of community support, lack of family support,

00:10:41.120 toxic relationships.

00:10:42.460 So there are many, many, many factors to why a relationship breaks down.

00:10:46.220 I think the mistake that we make, the biggest mistake we make,

00:10:49.080 is believing that what it is on, you know, movies, Bollywood,

00:10:54.420 all these kind of things, this is not real life.

00:10:57.280 So we try to compare marriages on most of the time.

00:11:01.600 I'm not saying everyone does.

00:11:02.760 I'm not generalizing this topic at all.

00:11:05.220 But a lot of times it's kind of going that way.

00:11:09.000 This is what a relationship should be.

00:11:11.500 When we know as Muslim brothers and sisters, there's more to a marriage.

00:11:15.160 You know, it's not just, yeah, it completes half your deen.

00:11:18.840 But then there are other factors as well that play a part in what makes a good marriage

00:11:22.960 or what breaks a marriage.

00:11:24.620 So you would say, I think that's very interesting,

00:11:26.700 because you're basically saying there are these false expectations,

00:11:28.840 this false reality.

00:11:30.280 And I think that plays a big factor,

00:11:32.820 because people are consuming material,

00:11:35.860 which we had a discussion here on the Bitter Truth,

00:11:37.360 which was irresponsible social media couples,

00:11:39.540 who are portraying this lifestyle of,

00:11:42.180 and let me tell you something.

00:11:42.980 I know one specific scenario,

00:11:45.480 which this brother, I actually know him now,

00:11:47.940 kind of personally,

00:11:49.340 is that they are a social media couple,

00:11:52.140 not that big.

00:11:53.620 And they, after I talked about them,

00:11:55.860 before he gave me his permission,

00:11:57.580 if you go into their Instagram,

00:11:58.940 wallahi al-adeem, uqstum billah,

00:12:01.120 if I said to you, here's a case,

00:12:03.300 there's this brother, he's in the cell,

00:12:04.340 he's been accused of RAP.

00:12:06.400 He's been accused of that.

00:12:07.320 And violence, yeah?

00:12:08.960 RAP, sorry.

00:12:10.760 Thank you, Zeeshan.

00:12:11.680 Didn't I say that?

00:12:12.860 Anyways, thank you.

00:12:14.840 Anyways.

00:12:16.920 So he's been accused of something very severe,

00:12:19.100 and he's...

00:12:19.620 Not half as well.

00:12:20.620 Huh?

00:12:21.760 Yeah.

00:12:22.420 So the thing is, he's been accused of that,

00:12:23.800 and now he's in a cell.

00:12:25.760 Yeah?

00:12:25.980 And then,

00:12:26.860 the wife has run off with the child.

00:12:29.420 And if I showed you this,

00:12:30.320 the Instagram account,

00:12:31.600 and I said to you,

00:12:32.260 would you ever,

00:12:33.120 in the millionaires,

00:12:33.800 think that these are the two couples?

00:12:35.060 You see what you see here,

00:12:35.860 with flowers, roses,

00:12:37.080 everything looks romantic.

00:12:37.800 This is exactly the situation.

00:12:39.760 I went to the social media,

00:12:41.080 and I was like,

00:12:41.620 this is unbelievable.

00:12:42.740 I showed it to my wife,

00:12:43.360 I said,

00:12:43.500 what do you think about Aliza?

00:12:44.400 They're all such a cute couple,

00:12:45.260 look at them,

00:12:45.640 they're so happy.

00:12:46.320 I was like,

00:12:46.740 you know he's in the cell.

00:12:48.120 And by the way,

00:12:48.700 she's run off with the kid,

00:12:49.520 did you know that?

00:12:50.020 Social service is involved.

00:12:50.760 She's like, no way.

00:12:51.520 I said,

00:12:51.780 well,

00:12:51.900 why?

00:12:52.260 I'm on the phone,

00:12:53.380 to this brother.

00:12:54.840 So,

00:12:55.260 this is the reality

00:12:56.200 that we're dealing with.

00:12:57.420 False expectations,

00:12:59.360 and watching,

00:13:00.100 you know,

00:13:00.380 these things,

00:13:00.900 and expecting it to be

00:13:01.620 in the real world.

00:13:02.640 What about you guys?

00:13:03.360 Because,

00:13:04.200 some of the sisters

00:13:04.660 have been divorced as well.

00:13:06.760 What would you say

00:13:07.580 is the cause of this?

00:13:09.040 Because Sister Farzana

00:13:09.600 has pointed to a very specific issue.

00:13:13.260 I mean,

00:13:13.900 from my own personal experience,

00:13:16.100 and also the experiences

00:13:17.200 that I've lived through,

00:13:19.320 through supporting others,

00:13:20.460 within the Umar,

00:13:21.340 I think the biggest thing

00:13:23.680 is disrespect.

00:13:27.360 And when,

00:13:29.060 it can be a disrespect

00:13:30.440 that happens once

00:13:31.560 and ruins the relationship,

00:13:33.740 or it could be a disrespect

00:13:34.980 that's built over time.

00:13:37.780 Usually,

00:13:38.640 it's something that's over time,

00:13:39.980 from what I've seen.

00:13:41.820 And I think

00:13:43.120 we all have limits,

00:13:44.760 as humans,

00:13:46.140 to what we can take,

00:13:49.280 and how much disrespect

00:13:50.460 disrespect we can take.

00:13:51.980 And I think

00:13:52.480 that is probably

00:13:53.820 the biggest factor

00:13:55.220 in relationship

00:13:56.920 or marriages breaking down.

00:13:58.020 What do you define

00:13:58.480 as disrespect, Sister?

00:13:59.300 Sorry,

00:13:59.560 just because people

00:14:00.240 can use that broadly.

00:14:01.560 Sadly, people will take that

00:14:02.720 and they're like,

00:14:03.060 oh yeah,

00:14:03.460 I feel disrespectful.

00:14:04.480 No, it's not.

00:14:05.120 What do you define as disrespect?

00:14:05.920 So, anything that challenges

00:14:09.300 the integrity

00:14:10.160 of the other person.

00:14:12.140 That's actually

00:14:12.560 a very good definition.

00:14:14.460 Yeah?

00:14:14.760 It's a good short end,

00:14:15.940 like,

00:14:16.100 that you just thought

00:14:16.600 about that as well.

00:14:17.520 Yeah.

00:14:17.700 So, you know,

00:14:20.600 and integrity in itself

00:14:22.060 is defined.

00:14:23.360 I won't go too much

00:14:24.680 into that,

00:14:25.400 but anything that,

00:14:27.040 yeah,

00:14:27.260 so essentially that.

00:14:29.860 The build-up of that

00:14:31.220 can get to a point

00:14:32.980 where someone just feels

00:14:35.260 that it's just,

00:14:36.780 they can't live

00:14:37.360 with that person anymore.

00:14:38.680 And when it gets to that point,

00:14:40.680 it's almost a point

00:14:41.740 of no return.

00:14:42.660 And for a lot of the times,

00:14:44.000 it is a point of no return.

00:14:45.240 And it's not something

00:14:46.740 that humans can forget either.

00:14:48.680 You know,

00:14:49.140 it's very difficult

00:14:50.540 to come back

00:14:51.540 from that build-up

00:14:53.240 or even,

00:14:54.120 it could just be

00:14:54.660 one major thing

00:14:55.600 that just kind of ruins

00:14:57.080 that marriage

00:14:58.160 and that will be it.

00:15:00.320 But there are other

00:15:01.780 kind of second place,

00:15:04.200 third place reasons

00:15:05.300 from my experience.

00:15:07.040 I would say probably

00:15:07.820 second place

00:15:08.660 is too much interference

00:15:11.080 or just interference

00:15:12.740 of external parties.

00:15:15.240 normally in certain cultures

00:15:17.820 tends to be family members

00:15:19.220 and it's not necessarily

00:15:20.140 positive input,

00:15:21.100 obviously.

00:15:22.160 It's whether it's like

00:15:23.360 kind of a dictation

00:15:24.580 over how the relationship

00:15:26.320 should be

00:15:27.200 or questioning

00:15:27.960 why that dynamic

00:15:29.340 is that way.

00:15:31.800 So that can start

00:15:33.420 planting seeds

00:15:34.320 in either the wife

00:15:36.920 or the husband's mind.

00:15:38.240 And, you know,

00:15:38.740 when you start bringing up,

00:15:40.180 oh my, you know,

00:15:41.000 so-and-so said this

00:15:41.940 and so-and-so said that,

00:15:43.120 when there's a third party

00:15:45.020 even hypothetically

00:15:46.040 involved in your mind,

00:15:48.200 that kind of

00:15:49.180 makes you lose trust

00:15:50.420 in that relationship.

00:15:52.400 So, yeah.

00:15:52.800 Very key, very key.

00:15:54.020 I was going to say that.

00:15:55.740 I like that analysis.

00:15:56.900 I think that was a very,

00:15:58.300 it's a good analysis.

00:15:59.280 In fact,

00:15:59.660 most studies

00:16:01.860 that I've looked at

00:16:02.440 on this matter,

00:16:03.240 because obviously,

00:16:03.860 look,

00:16:04.020 you've got

00:16:04.560 Islamic-specific issues

00:16:06.040 and then you've got

00:16:06.500 like the broader population.

00:16:07.500 there's what is referred to

00:16:10.520 in the psychological literature

00:16:11.460 as the four horsemen

00:16:13.360 of marital breakdown

00:16:14.800 and marital failure.

00:16:15.640 I'm not sure

00:16:15.880 if you've come across this,

00:16:17.240 but this is probably

00:16:18.340 one of the most

00:16:18.820 off-repeated comments

00:16:19.940 if you look at these studies,

00:16:21.160 actual studies,

00:16:22.100 peer-reviewed

00:16:22.680 psychological studies

00:16:23.580 on marital breakdown.

00:16:25.180 And the four horsemen

00:16:26.640 are the following.

00:16:28.480 First one is criticism,

00:16:29.600 partner criticism.

00:16:30.580 So where the person

00:16:32.420 starts to criticize

00:16:33.300 another person.

00:16:34.040 Now, obviously,

00:16:34.880 every partnership

00:16:35.660 is going to,

00:16:36.340 like, you're going to

00:16:36.840 have criticism.

00:16:37.340 It's not happening, right?

00:16:38.660 But if it reaches

00:16:39.440 a certain threshold

00:16:40.180 where you're in the presence

00:16:41.660 of your husband

00:16:42.260 or your wife

00:16:42.820 and all that's happening

00:16:43.960 is that that person's

00:16:44.960 criticizing you

00:16:45.540 or you're criticizing them,

00:16:46.820 then you're creating

00:16:47.480 an atmosphere

00:16:48.140 where it's antagonistic.

00:16:51.300 It's not a proper atmosphere, right?

00:16:53.000 So you feel like

00:16:53.720 you're actually at work

00:16:54.560 in the relationship

00:16:55.420 more than you should be.

00:16:56.840 So that's the first thing.

00:16:57.400 The second thing is,

00:16:58.160 which is connected to it,

00:16:59.600 is defensiveness.

00:17:00.580 So what happens is

00:17:01.340 when you have a conversation

00:17:02.180 with your partner,

00:17:03.180 you always feel like

00:17:03.960 you need to be on edge.

00:17:04.800 You need to defend yourself.

00:17:05.720 You feel like a defendant

00:17:06.500 in a courtroom

00:17:07.760 or something like that.

00:17:08.700 So defensiveness is,

00:17:10.520 you shouldn't feel,

00:17:11.560 like, in a sense,

00:17:12.140 every human being

00:17:12.780 needs their safe space

00:17:14.340 to be vulnerable.

00:17:15.740 And if you feel like

00:17:16.520 with your partner

00:17:17.020 that you're always needing

00:17:17.860 to defend yourself

00:17:18.680 or justify

00:17:19.340 or excuse make

00:17:20.400 and this kind of stuff,

00:17:21.300 and that actually can lead

00:17:23.000 to marital breakdown.

00:17:24.960 The third thing is...

00:17:27.680 Contempt.

00:17:28.660 Yes, contempt.

00:17:29.580 So like resentment,

00:17:31.580 basically, right?

00:17:32.660 Now, some psychologists,

00:17:33.740 they do differentiate

00:17:34.840 between contemptuous nature,

00:17:37.680 but let's just say

00:17:38.580 for the sake of argument,

00:17:39.320 let's use them interchangeably.

00:17:40.800 When someone has

00:17:41.600 this feeling of negativity,

00:17:43.840 this embitterment,

00:17:46.180 and that...

00:17:46.680 So how they define it

00:17:48.220 in the studies

00:17:48.660 is usually like

00:17:49.260 a negative feeling

00:17:50.020 felt towards the partner

00:17:51.320 for a sustained period of time.

00:17:53.340 So you actually have

00:17:54.600 a negative opinion

00:17:55.560 of your partner,

00:17:56.620 effectively.

00:17:57.600 Like if you were to

00:17:58.580 objectively be asked

00:17:59.980 what is that person,

00:18:01.660 you will have

00:18:02.140 more negative things

00:18:03.200 to say about them

00:18:03.880 than positive.

00:18:05.340 That kind of state of affairs

00:18:06.660 cannot last for a long time.

00:18:08.820 And the fourth thing

00:18:09.600 is called stonewalling.

00:18:11.860 Stonewalling is when

00:18:12.520 you're actively ignored.

00:18:14.180 And it's a poor

00:18:15.060 communication technique

00:18:16.080 used by both men and women.

00:18:17.300 Like you can speak

00:18:18.160 to your husband or wife.

00:18:20.560 Let's say, for example,

00:18:21.300 you're speaking to your wife

00:18:22.140 and she starts

00:18:22.820 not answering you.

00:18:24.360 She's ignoring you now.

00:18:25.860 She's pretending

00:18:26.660 to play deaf.

00:18:27.900 She doesn't hear

00:18:28.480 anything that you're saying.

00:18:30.420 Now, if someone

00:18:31.320 feels ignored in the relationship,

00:18:32.300 it goes back to what

00:18:32.800 you were saying,

00:18:33.240 it's disrespect.

00:18:34.620 Now it goes back to,

00:18:35.640 okay, now,

00:18:36.200 I don't feel integrous anymore.

00:18:37.440 I feel like I'm being

00:18:38.160 disrespected.

00:18:39.520 These are the four reasons,

00:18:40.680 like, I don't think

00:18:41.360 they're non-applicable

00:18:42.760 to the Muslim community.

00:18:43.580 I think there's no reason

00:18:44.300 to believe that Muslims

00:18:45.700 are going to have

00:18:46.140 completely specific issues.

00:18:48.100 It could be that,

00:18:49.200 for example,

00:18:49.640 issues to do with

00:18:50.180 the dominant ideologies,

00:18:52.100 equality and something like that,

00:18:53.260 because a lot of them

00:18:53.900 do mention equality.

00:18:55.260 We don't have that kind

00:18:56.360 of managerial equality

00:18:57.500 is clearly a reason,

00:19:00.080 like, for example,

00:19:00.980 feminism.

00:19:01.800 I would say if you did

00:19:03.300 a study in the Muslim community,

00:19:04.480 it'd probably have

00:19:04.840 a disproportionate impact

00:19:05.760 as to how it actually

00:19:07.000 breaks down the family.

00:19:09.360 Abuse, I agree with that.

00:19:10.540 Physical, actual abuse

00:19:12.260 happening from the man

00:19:13.600 to the woman,

00:19:14.120 where he can't control

00:19:14.900 his emotions.

00:19:15.500 Now, anytime he gets angry,

00:19:16.400 he's using his hand.

00:19:17.560 He's getting physical

00:19:18.480 and she's had enough of it.

00:19:19.540 It makes her sick.

00:19:20.200 And abuse is not just physical.

00:19:21.960 It could be.

00:19:22.480 It's emotional, psychological.

00:19:23.540 It's true,

00:19:24.240 but then it can become

00:19:25.420 very ambiguous

00:19:26.460 if we use that.

00:19:27.560 Because stonewalling,

00:19:28.200 in a sense,

00:19:28.540 some can say it's abuse.

00:19:29.440 It's abusive behavior.

00:19:30.800 But really and truly,

00:19:31.700 I mean,

00:19:32.100 Islamically speaking,

00:19:33.920 there has to be something,

00:19:35.240 there has to be boundaries

00:19:36.140 and how are we going

00:19:37.420 to define this thing?

00:19:39.060 So, yeah,

00:19:39.640 I don't think that there's

00:19:40.760 much more analysis

00:19:41.860 to be made.

00:19:42.420 I just feel like

00:19:43.080 if ever rights

00:19:44.320 and responsibilities

00:19:44.900 are understood,

00:19:46.100 okay,

00:19:46.500 that's one thing.

00:19:47.500 But when these things happen,

00:19:49.560 frankly, guys,

00:19:50.340 I mean,

00:19:50.680 it could just happen

00:19:51.460 because these guys

00:19:52.100 are not compatible.

00:19:53.060 The Sahabis,

00:19:54.120 the companions,

00:19:55.200 they had divorce happening.

00:19:57.360 I mean,

00:19:57.740 it's just because

00:19:58.260 maybe he doesn't like this person

00:20:00.220 or she doesn't like him.

00:20:01.360 There's a very famous hadith

00:20:02.500 of Mughir and Mughis.

00:20:06.360 I'm not sure

00:20:06.880 if you've heard of it.

00:20:08.240 Very interesting.

00:20:09.480 And it kills,

00:20:10.420 I mean,

00:20:10.640 it's one of the worst hadiths

00:20:11.960 for Red Pill.

00:20:13.360 Yeah, yeah,

00:20:13.700 it's very bad.

00:20:14.560 Because basically,

00:20:15.440 this guy,

00:20:16.460 Mughis,

00:20:16.840 he's chasing after,

00:20:18.640 effectively chasing after

00:20:19.820 his wife.

00:20:23.220 Crying in public

00:20:24.460 in front of everyone

00:20:25.300 for her to take him back.

00:20:27.420 To the point where

00:20:28.200 the Prophet Muhammad

00:20:28.500 went and interceded for him.

00:20:30.360 And he said,

00:20:31.000 why don't you take him back?

00:20:32.320 She goes,

00:20:32.720 are you telling me

00:20:33.400 because this is a religious obligation

00:20:34.820 or are you telling me

00:20:36.140 this as a matter of advice?

00:20:37.140 He said,

00:20:37.360 no,

00:20:37.480 I'm only advising you.

00:20:38.140 It's not a religious obligation.

00:20:39.500 She said,

00:20:39.860 I'm not on it.

00:20:41.040 Effectively.

00:20:41.560 He said,

00:20:42.020 okay,

00:20:42.180 leave it be.

00:20:43.300 So he had to live

00:20:44.120 with that pain.

00:20:45.520 The point I'm making

00:20:46.280 is that,

00:20:47.100 I mean,

00:20:47.660 I'm not saying

00:20:48.180 that's a positive trait.

00:20:50.080 He shouldn't have done that.

00:20:51.380 That's a hobby.

00:20:52.100 It's wrong behavior

00:20:52.720 from the Sahabi.

00:20:53.580 Just like drinking alcohol

00:20:54.540 from someone's habits

00:20:55.100 is wrong behavior.

00:20:55.720 It's nothing to be following.

00:20:57.180 But I'm saying

00:20:57.960 that at the same time,

00:20:59.880 what you do have is

00:21:00.920 sometimes you just have

00:21:02.400 one party that's on it

00:21:03.820 and one party that's not on it.

00:21:05.300 You feel this person,

00:21:06.640 the other person doesn't feel you.

00:21:07.720 This person doesn't like you.

00:21:08.680 There's no chemistry.

00:21:09.220 It's not happening.

00:21:10.440 So then,

00:21:11.440 there's a partner breakdown.

00:21:12.280 And I don't think

00:21:13.000 that partner breakdown

00:21:13.700 is the worst thing

00:21:14.160 that can happen in the world

00:21:14.800 because then they can

00:21:15.600 find another person.

00:21:16.920 But do you think

00:21:17.940 that's the reason why,

00:21:18.860 for example,

00:21:19.900 this is happening?

00:21:21.440 Because I don't think

00:21:21.920 these issues,

00:21:22.700 of course,

00:21:23.000 if people are not compatible,

00:21:23.780 they don't like each other.

00:21:24.520 Yeah.

00:21:24.900 But I don't think

00:21:25.380 that's the reason.

00:21:26.440 Like one of the things

00:21:26.940 is false expectations

00:21:27.740 we spoke about.

00:21:28.980 Is this a dopamine?

00:21:30.180 And then maybe

00:21:31.120 Zishan?

00:21:32.440 Yeah.

00:21:32.940 I want to add

00:21:34.140 to the expectations,

00:21:35.700 but I also want to add

00:21:36.700 to compromising

00:21:37.860 on red flags.

00:21:39.340 Okay.

00:21:39.900 So a lot of the people

00:21:41.340 I deal with,

00:21:42.260 they have these issues

00:21:44.560 in the marriage,

00:21:45.920 but in the beginning,

00:21:47.300 they were always there.

00:21:48.560 So like you have a guy

00:21:49.900 or a girl

00:21:50.540 that might come and say,

00:21:51.580 oh, my wife

00:21:52.200 or my husband's doing this now,

00:21:54.000 whatever, whatever.

00:21:55.060 And it's like, okay,

00:21:55.900 but in the beginning,

00:21:56.660 when you go back

00:21:57.280 to the beginning,

00:21:57.720 when you met the person,

00:21:59.060 they were doing these toxic things

00:22:00.480 in the beginning, right?

00:22:01.340 So over a period of time,

00:22:03.320 whether it's the woman

00:22:03.940 or the man, okay?

00:22:05.340 I'm just going to use

00:22:05.780 myself as an example.

00:22:06.960 There's things I've seen

00:22:08.180 in the beginning

00:22:08.680 of my marriage

00:22:09.600 that I knew

00:22:10.540 that were going to be

00:22:11.240 problematic later on

00:22:12.500 down the line.

00:22:13.380 And I chose to compromise

00:22:14.680 on those things, right?

00:22:16.120 So those things

00:22:16.880 had consequences.

00:22:18.600 And when you have to deal

00:22:19.760 with the consequences

00:22:20.560 over a period of time,

00:22:22.760 a lot of people

00:22:23.280 don't want to accept

00:22:23.980 that this is why

00:22:25.140 you want to now

00:22:26.100 exit the marriage.

00:22:27.160 And it's on both sides,

00:22:28.700 male and female.

00:22:29.540 And I just genuinely think

00:22:30.780 it's expectations,

00:22:32.380 compromising on red flags,

00:22:34.460 and just seeing that

00:22:35.360 this person is clearly,

00:22:36.860 like you said,

00:22:37.460 not compatible with you.

00:22:39.740 And in the end,

00:22:40.720 automatically,

00:22:41.140 it's just going to end

00:22:41.880 in divorce.

00:22:42.700 Because like you said,

00:22:43.660 nobody's going to live

00:22:44.640 over a period of time

00:22:46.160 with somebody

00:22:47.020 they're not compatible with.

00:22:48.240 It's just like,

00:22:48.860 you know,

00:22:49.680 oil and water,

00:22:50.420 it doesn't mix.

00:22:51.500 You know,

00:22:51.720 and over a period of time,

00:22:52.640 people find,

00:22:53.240 oh, he's not doing this,

00:22:54.520 she's not doing that.

00:22:55.220 But it's like,

00:22:55.560 but you compromised

00:22:56.340 on that in the beginning.

00:22:57.460 And again,

00:22:58.260 it's again,

00:22:58.860 accountability saying,

00:23:00.260 okay,

00:23:00.500 I did see that

00:23:02.100 this brother

00:23:02.800 or this sister

00:23:03.500 wasn't good for me.

00:23:04.460 But ultimately,

00:23:05.060 I still went ahead with it

00:23:06.080 because a lot of people

00:23:07.420 are desperate.

00:23:08.120 A lot of people

00:23:08.540 are doing it for their family.

00:23:09.600 A lot of people

00:23:09.960 are getting married

00:23:11.020 for the wrong reasons.

00:23:12.740 I believe you should

00:23:13.620 get married for the akira,

00:23:14.560 not actually for the dunya.

00:23:16.040 Because if you're getting

00:23:16.660 married for dunya,

00:23:17.920 then there's all

00:23:18.720 the little things

00:23:19.240 that come in.

00:23:19.660 Oh, he's rich.

00:23:20.340 Oh, he's got money.

00:23:21.300 Oh, she's pretty.

00:23:22.260 And, you know,

00:23:23.420 later on down the line,

00:23:24.620 you see the sister

00:23:25.340 takes her hijab off

00:23:26.380 and she's not pretty.

00:23:27.620 Or the brother

00:23:28.240 ain't rich,

00:23:29.100 she's broke.

00:23:30.060 You know?

00:23:30.280 And a lot of the times

00:23:31.840 this is why people

00:23:32.580 are getting divorced

00:23:33.280 because of petty stuff.

00:23:34.760 But they compromised

00:23:35.620 on it in the beginning.

00:23:36.780 Well, you said something,

00:23:38.020 you said that

00:23:38.380 in the beginning

00:23:38.840 you compromised with...

00:23:40.280 Red flags.

00:23:41.260 Yeah, you said red flags

00:23:42.000 and you said

00:23:42.400 you had to compromise.

00:23:44.960 Sorry if it's personal,

00:23:46.060 but is that what

00:23:46.780 ended your marriage?

00:23:47.940 Yeah.

00:23:48.420 Okay, then can someone

00:23:49.980 not say then

00:23:50.540 why did you even compromise?

00:23:52.120 If you knew

00:23:52.700 they're red flags,

00:23:53.640 why did you even compromise

00:23:55.000 knowing that eventually

00:23:56.060 you're not going to...

00:23:56.720 Because you know

00:23:57.040 a lot of people say,

00:23:58.140 like for example,

00:23:58.700 with females,

00:23:59.080 for example,

00:23:59.660 the way you guys

00:24:00.140 are built as well

00:24:00.700 is you have this perception,

00:24:02.640 you know,

00:24:04.320 like, you know,

00:24:05.480 you have this perception

00:24:06.240 where I'll change him.

00:24:07.360 You know, it's this,

00:24:08.000 it's like a masterpiece.

00:24:09.140 I'm going to fix him.

00:24:10.940 You know how you have this

00:24:11.520 because you guys

00:24:11.960 like adventure

00:24:12.680 and stuff like that, yeah?

00:24:13.720 Is that...

00:24:14.400 No, no, no,

00:24:14.700 let's be honest

00:24:15.200 because it's in your,

00:24:16.520 like, your blood.

00:24:19.080 100.

00:24:19.920 Yeah, so she would agree

00:24:21.340 with Cesar Dope.

00:24:21.940 Yeah.

00:24:22.280 Okay, so then

00:24:23.120 would you not say then

00:24:23.960 in that instance

00:24:24.600 you're picking these men?

00:24:26.260 Yeah.

00:24:26.620 Do you get what I'm trying to say?

00:24:27.200 We are the ones.

00:24:28.060 We are doing it.

00:24:28.540 Then what do we do?

00:24:30.080 I also think that

00:24:31.140 if you really, like...

00:24:33.600 Well, I haven't even said

00:24:34.280 anything yet.

00:24:35.020 That's why I pressed it.

00:24:35.960 I thought it was just

00:24:36.500 going to go on for ages.

00:24:38.080 I was just thinking...

00:24:38.540 Okay.

00:24:40.500 Do you want to go first?

00:24:41.480 No, no, no.

00:24:42.160 Are you sure?

00:24:42.580 Oh, yeah.

00:24:42.900 I was going to say,

00:24:43.420 I also think that, like,

00:24:44.700 if a woman is really

00:24:46.000 interested in a man,

00:24:47.000 she will compromise

00:24:47.600 at a very high level.

00:24:49.220 100%.

00:24:49.540 And maybe vice versa.

00:24:51.760 It's a really pretty amount.

00:24:53.380 Yeah, yeah.

00:24:53.660 Yeah, but can I just add

00:24:55.620 to what you said?

00:24:57.140 Yeah.

00:24:57.380 Remember what I'm saying

00:24:58.360 is the consequences

00:24:59.780 of the red flags, okay?

00:25:02.340 So say,

00:25:02.900 let me just give an example.

00:25:04.760 Give me the answer.

00:25:05.120 Say a guy,

00:25:06.300 or say I'm a toxic female, right?

00:25:08.820 And I like to argue

00:25:11.260 with my husband

00:25:11.780 and be disrespectful.

00:25:13.100 Yeah, no problem.

00:25:13.700 And the guy notices

00:25:16.100 this about me, right,

00:25:17.480 in the beginning.

00:25:18.080 Yeah.

00:25:18.380 And, but,

00:25:19.160 oh, she's so pretty.

00:25:20.260 Oh, she cooks good.

00:25:21.380 Really?

00:25:21.960 But, you know,

00:25:22.940 he marries the sister

00:25:23.820 based on this

00:25:24.500 really shallow stuff.

00:25:26.740 And then later on

00:25:27.900 down the line,

00:25:28.360 oh, she's not doing this.

00:25:29.460 Oh, she's not being obedient.

00:25:31.260 Oh, she's not practicing.

00:25:32.280 Oh, she's not covering her hair.

00:25:34.020 And it's like,

00:25:34.620 but you compromised

00:25:35.460 in the beginning.

00:25:36.380 Now this is the consequence.

00:25:38.140 So it's either you deal with it

00:25:39.400 or you don't.

00:25:40.760 Okay, good point.

00:25:41.600 Please remember this point, yeah,

00:25:42.740 because I'm going to touch

00:25:43.380 on an interesting point.

00:25:44.120 This is a far example.

00:25:45.140 On a purely Islamic perspective.

00:25:46.960 Yes.

00:25:47.720 So, for example,

00:25:48.240 if I get married to a woman,

00:25:49.440 yeah, like,

00:25:50.120 and I say,

00:25:51.360 these are my conditions.

00:25:52.540 Yeah.

00:25:53.460 Now, she doesn't like

00:25:54.380 those conditions.

00:25:55.340 So what I'll do is I'll say,

00:25:56.820 fine,

00:25:57.420 you have an ultimatum.

00:25:58.800 You'll either continue

00:25:59.620 in this situation

00:26:00.360 or I'll divorce you.

00:26:02.040 She says,

00:26:02.580 I'm going to continue

00:26:03.480 in this situation.

00:26:03.860 I don't want to,

00:26:04.580 I don't want to,

00:26:05.500 I cannot continue.

00:26:06.680 I'll say,

00:26:06.900 you're divorced.

00:26:07.880 So in a sense,

00:26:08.760 I've got the trump card.

00:26:09.620 Like, in a way,

00:26:10.560 I don't need to compromise

00:26:11.220 with anyone.

00:26:11.840 Exactly.

00:26:12.300 Do you know what I mean?

00:26:12.760 Like, in a sense that

00:26:13.480 if I don't want something,

00:26:14.560 I'm not,

00:26:14.960 no one's going to force.

00:26:16.160 Even this,

00:26:16.700 this sahabiyah,

00:26:17.540 this woman,

00:26:18.360 she didn't compromise.

00:26:19.360 She didn't like the guy.

00:26:20.600 She went to the promos,

00:26:21.340 that's it.

00:26:22.660 You know what I mean?

00:26:23.260 There's some things

00:26:24.140 I'm never going to compromise.

00:26:25.060 In some cases,

00:26:25.740 the man is more severe,

00:26:26.700 obviously.

00:26:27.160 I've got divorce.

00:26:27.980 It's more instant.

00:26:29.060 Yeah.

00:26:29.480 But what I'm saying is,

00:26:31.020 compromise what?

00:26:33.180 I don't,

00:26:33.520 I refuse to compromise,

00:26:35.920 actually.

00:26:36.560 Do you know what I mean?

00:26:37.080 Like,

00:26:37.360 what happens if I refuse

00:26:38.120 to compromise?

00:26:39.100 Do you know what I mean?

00:26:39.860 Let's go to Sister Farzana.

00:26:40.720 Don't get married.

00:26:41.540 Sister Farzana,

00:26:42.140 come to this point.

00:26:42.900 It's fine,

00:26:43.160 you can get married and divorce.

00:26:43.980 Sister Farzana,

00:26:45.380 you've got one and a half minutes.

00:26:46.600 Okay,

00:26:47.040 touching on the subject

00:26:47.900 of compromise,

00:26:48.840 okay,

00:26:48.980 we have to look

00:26:49.540 on a deeper level.

00:26:50.360 Why are these people

00:26:51.060 compromising?

00:26:52.100 What are their vulnerabilities?

00:26:53.700 What are those hidden traumas

00:26:54.800 and everything

00:26:55.180 that they now think

00:26:56.100 that if I don't compromise,

00:26:57.740 I'm going to end up alone?

00:26:59.020 And this happens

00:26:59.840 on many occasions.

00:27:01.060 So,

00:27:02.600 not many people think

00:27:03.940 on a,

00:27:04.340 you know,

00:27:04.980 level of psychology

00:27:06.260 or neuroscience

00:27:06.840 and all these

00:27:07.600 modalities.

00:27:09.920 So,

00:27:10.160 we have to go back

00:27:11.280 and think,

00:27:11.720 okay,

00:27:11.880 who are these people?

00:27:13.100 Why are these decisions

00:27:13.940 being made?

00:27:15.060 And are people

00:27:16.060 who are on that level

00:27:17.580 making the right,

00:27:18.780 the same choices?

00:27:19.920 Are their marriages

00:27:20.560 ending on the same

00:27:22.180 basis

00:27:23.380 marriage would end

00:27:24.680 who,

00:27:25.180 someone who's not qualified

00:27:26.220 in psychology

00:27:26.980 or counselling

00:27:27.620 or all these subjects?

00:27:29.360 So,

00:27:29.560 not just looking at,

00:27:30.460 okay,

00:27:30.680 these people are compromising

00:27:31.840 because they know it all

00:27:32.960 and they've seen

00:27:34.000 the red flags

00:27:34.740 and that's the reason

00:27:35.900 they know the red flags

00:27:36.940 are there

00:27:37.200 and they can deal

00:27:37.780 with them later.

00:27:39.200 So,

00:27:39.500 we have to understand,

00:27:40.620 okay.

00:27:41.240 I think this goes back to...

00:27:42.320 You've got 20 seconds.

00:27:43.100 I'm so sorry,

00:27:43.460 just so we adjust it.

00:27:44.300 No,

00:27:44.480 that's fine,

00:27:44.840 that's fine.

00:27:45.280 Okay.

00:27:45.780 I was going to say,

00:27:46.200 this goes back to what

00:27:46.800 we were saying

00:27:47.120 in the previous episode

00:27:48.060 which is that

00:27:48.820 the hadith

00:27:49.800 of the Prophet

00:27:50.160 is that they're

00:27:52.220 self-sufficient

00:27:52.720 from the people.

00:27:54.260 If I know,

00:27:55.160 like for me,

00:27:55.620 the most important thing

00:27:56.380 is what I want.

00:27:57.860 I'm going to say,

00:27:58.440 I'm very narcissistic

00:27:59.260 right now.

00:28:00.020 These are my,

00:28:01.080 this is my objective

00:28:02.620 in life,

00:28:03.080 let's say,

00:28:03.320 that one,

00:28:03.720 yeah?

00:28:04.160 I've got a community

00:28:04.920 interest,

00:28:05.440 let's say,

00:28:05.700 I'm going to get married,

00:28:07.640 whatever.

00:28:08.620 Now,

00:28:09.000 these are my conditions.

00:28:10.400 She doesn't want,

00:28:11.260 she doesn't like them.

00:28:11.920 She gets involved

00:28:12.600 and then after two weeks

00:28:13.480 she says,

00:28:13.860 I'm not going to,

00:28:14.800 I want you to change

00:28:15.740 your conditions.

00:28:16.160 I say,

00:28:16.840 look,

00:28:17.740 I say,

00:28:18.280 I'm afraid to say

00:28:19.040 these are my conditions.

00:28:20.400 Now,

00:28:20.620 you have a,

00:28:20.980 you do have a choice,

00:28:21.880 you can have a,

00:28:22.660 continue with them,

00:28:23.500 just like a job.

00:28:24.680 You know,

00:28:24.880 like when you go

00:28:25.520 into a workplace

00:28:26.240 and you sign a contract.

00:28:28.100 If you don't like

00:28:28.960 what you're getting

00:28:29.420 yourself into,

00:28:30.300 then you're fired.

00:28:31.400 Effectively,

00:28:31.820 then I can go

00:28:32.380 and find someone

00:28:33.020 who can fulfill

00:28:33.660 that criterion.

00:28:35.060 The one who has,

00:28:36.060 this is what Robert Greene

00:28:36.900 says in his famous

00:28:38.380 Laws of Power,

00:28:39.040 he says,

00:28:39.240 the one who's willing

00:28:39.760 to commit suicide

00:28:40.400 has the initiative.

00:28:41.020 Meaning,

00:28:42.800 the one who's willing

00:28:43.480 to walk away

00:28:44.220 from the negotiation

00:28:46.280 is the one who's

00:28:47.380 more powerful

00:28:47.980 in the negotiation.

00:28:49.480 So,

00:28:49.800 compromise is nothing

00:28:50.980 to me.

00:28:52.100 Compromise doesn't exist

00:28:53.100 in my vocabulary.

00:28:54.460 It's only the compromise

00:28:55.320 that Islam allows

00:28:56.080 in the sense that

00:28:56.800 I can compromise

00:28:58.380 with a woman.

00:28:59.600 No,

00:28:59.900 I mean,

00:29:00.840 I'm not going to compromise

00:29:01.500 with a woman

00:29:01.840 on an equal basis.

00:29:03.220 Do you know what I mean?

00:29:03.880 There is no,

00:29:04.720 there is nothing like that.

00:29:06.300 I fail to compromise.

00:29:07.740 My compromise

00:29:08.200 is no compromise.

00:29:09.440 No,

00:29:09.560 but we're talking about,

00:29:11.000 no,

00:29:11.540 no,

00:29:11.700 no,

00:29:12.080 we're talking about

00:29:13.360 people who are vulnerable

00:29:14.520 and where their

00:29:15.640 compromise is coming from.

00:29:16.860 So,

00:29:17.020 just not the word compromise,

00:29:18.540 it's breaking it down

00:29:19.700 and looking at it

00:29:20.800 from a different angle

00:29:21.760 rather than,

00:29:22.780 oh,

00:29:22.920 such and such compromises

00:29:24.000 on this.

00:29:24.580 And so,

00:29:24.880 she and he,

00:29:25.840 they compromise.

00:29:26.560 So,

00:29:26.900 this show is about

00:29:27.640 educating people,

00:29:28.540 not just about

00:29:29.220 talking about

00:29:29.880 certain things.

00:29:31.180 It's about

00:29:31.520 putting that

00:29:32.540 level

00:29:33.640 of understanding

00:29:34.620 out there

00:29:35.300 where someone

00:29:35.820 can watch this show.

00:29:37.120 Compromise is very important.

00:29:37.940 What's that compromise?

00:29:38.920 Give me an example

00:29:40.040 of something I need to,

00:29:40.820 like,

00:29:41.100 not me,

00:29:41.500 but a Muslim man,

00:29:42.240 like,

00:29:42.380 what do I need to compromise

00:29:43.080 on what?

00:29:43.540 Like,

00:29:43.620 do what?

00:29:43.860 Okay,

00:29:44.140 like,

00:29:44.340 like,

00:29:44.520 like,

00:29:44.820 for example.

00:29:45.240 I want to hear it from that.

00:29:46.200 No,

00:29:46.600 no,

00:29:46.940 no,

00:29:47.360 hold on,

00:29:47.700 hold on,

00:29:47.920 hold on.

00:29:48.300 When I said compromise,

00:29:50.120 I said specifically

00:29:51.100 on red flags,

00:29:52.440 bad things,

00:29:53.220 bad traits,

00:29:53.900 bad behaviours.

00:29:54.700 No,

00:29:54.860 they're talking about

00:29:55.220 something else.

00:29:55.620 You're talking about

00:29:55.960 red flag,

00:29:56.440 like,

00:29:56.840 things that are going to cause

00:29:57.900 compromise is like...

00:29:59.300 Yeah,

00:29:59.740 yeah.

00:30:00.240 So,

00:30:00.660 in the beginning,

00:30:01.480 people,

00:30:02.080 yeah,

00:30:02.720 people in the beginning,

00:30:04.340 they see that people

00:30:05.800 have bad manners,

00:30:07.040 bad traits.

00:30:08.220 They may see something

00:30:09.100 that the guy may show

00:30:11.220 traits of abuse

00:30:12.600 or psychological...

00:30:13.920 Okay,

00:30:14.120 okay,

00:30:14.320 very simple,

00:30:15.280 sharp tongue.

00:30:15.980 Look,

00:30:16.080 for example,

00:30:19.300 a lot of wives,

00:30:20.440 yeah,

00:30:20.600 like,

00:30:20.820 if they have a sharp tongue

00:30:21.820 argument,

00:30:22.320 she says things...

00:30:22.900 She's saying the man,

00:30:23.520 I don't know what the man

00:30:24.180 is compromise on.

00:30:24.940 No,

00:30:25.160 no,

00:30:25.260 no,

00:30:25.420 it's just not man,

00:30:26.140 it's both ways.

00:30:26.620 For example,

00:30:27.060 compromise,

00:30:27.420 for example,

00:30:28.120 if we know that

00:30:28.560 a wives...

00:30:29.060 I don't want to focus

00:30:30.660 on what the man

00:30:31.320 is compromise on first.

00:30:32.280 Give me an example

00:30:33.040 of a red flag

00:30:33.520 so I can do it,

00:30:34.140 like...

00:30:34.680 Like I said,

00:30:35.280 a sister may come to him

00:30:36.760 and she's not in hijab,

00:30:37.900 right?

00:30:38.400 Okay.

00:30:38.640 She's not wearing hijab

00:30:39.820 and then the brother's like,

00:30:41.460 okay,

00:30:41.800 she's not wearing hijab,

00:30:42.660 he's got a problem

00:30:43.480 with it Islamically.

00:30:44.640 So he can divorce with her?

00:30:45.840 No,

00:30:46.120 no,

00:30:46.480 before marriage.

00:30:47.840 Yeah.

00:30:48.220 Before marriage.

00:30:48.780 So he gets married

00:30:49.460 and then gives her

00:30:50.320 conditional divorce.

00:30:51.040 He's like,

00:30:51.140 if you don't wear this...

00:30:52.300 No,

00:30:52.580 no,

00:30:52.660 not inside the marriage,

00:30:53.820 before marriage,

00:30:54.480 he's sinful.

00:30:57.340 No,

00:30:57.480 he's not.

00:30:58.320 She doesn't wear the hijab.

00:30:59.440 No,

00:30:59.560 no,

00:30:59.640 I'm saying like,

00:31:00.580 if he says to her,

00:31:01.940 you have to...

00:31:02.760 There's two things,

00:31:03.220 he's not sinful at all.

00:31:04.160 If he says to her,

00:31:04.800 you wear the hijab

00:31:05.340 and she doesn't wear it.

00:31:06.020 No,

00:31:06.440 are you not sinful

00:31:07.060 if you marry her

00:31:08.120 and she doesn't wear the hijab

00:31:09.060 and you're responsible

00:31:10.040 from the...

00:31:10.480 No,

00:31:11.000 I'm not because,

00:31:11.980 what do you call it?

00:31:12.680 I told her to do it,

00:31:14.040 she's saying no.

00:31:14.700 No,

00:31:14.900 I know,

00:31:15.180 I know that,

00:31:15.620 but if you compromise,

00:31:16.760 are you not sinful?

00:31:17.520 Where you say,

00:31:17.820 I'm going to put up

00:31:18.860 with your not wearing the hijab.

00:31:19.980 Well,

00:31:20.140 it depends on the situation.

00:31:20.840 For example,

00:31:21.120 is she Christian?

00:31:22.180 No.

00:31:22.640 Okay,

00:31:22.980 so no doubt

00:31:23.660 in that situation,

00:31:24.700 there's okay.

00:31:25.380 What if she's a new Muslim

00:31:27.440 and she has a very specific situation?

00:31:29.000 Let's talk about...

00:31:29.660 Okay,

00:31:30.260 Muslim born,

00:31:31.040 I don't know.

00:31:31.920 That's a very,

00:31:32.520 very technical question.

00:31:33.300 If he says to her,

00:31:34.140 look,

00:31:34.320 I'm going to put like a timetable

00:31:36.540 in place for you

00:31:37.020 to put the hijab on.

00:31:38.200 No.

00:31:39.000 Do you get what I'm trying to say?

00:31:39.680 Is that...

00:31:40.680 I have to go and ask...

00:31:41.960 I don't know.

00:31:44.240 No,

00:31:44.640 that is a huge compromise.

00:31:45.860 A lot of brothers

00:31:46.560 compromise on that.

00:31:47.680 If you want to say

00:31:48.600 a compromise

00:31:49.080 from the brother's side,

00:31:50.260 lots of men

00:31:51.020 are married to women

00:31:51.760 who do not wear hijab,

00:31:52.880 right?

00:31:53.300 And then later on

00:31:54.280 down the line,

00:31:55.200 it's like,

00:31:55.940 put your hijab on.

00:31:57.240 Okay?

00:31:57.880 So,

00:31:58.480 the sister's like,

00:31:59.100 hold on,

00:31:59.580 you wasn't like this

00:32:00.220 in the beginning.

00:32:00.880 No,

00:32:01.160 no,

00:32:01.380 no,

00:32:01.540 no.

00:32:01.640 There are cases like this.

00:32:03.700 So what can he do?

00:32:04.320 No,

00:32:04.480 they have to.

00:32:04.880 If he's...

00:32:05.880 If he's...

00:32:06.280 If he's...

00:32:06.880 He can say,

00:32:08.000 look,

00:32:08.160 I'll give you six months.

00:32:09.420 There's only two things

00:32:10.020 I can see happening.

00:32:10.820 But we're talking about

00:32:11.540 reasons for the marriage

00:32:12.620 breaking down,

00:32:13.300 right?

00:32:13.580 So,

00:32:14.300 I'm saying that could

00:32:15.220 potentially be a reason

00:32:16.540 of a man leaving

00:32:18.000 a woman and saying,

00:32:18.860 look,

00:32:19.060 you're being disobedient.

00:32:20.220 You're not practicing

00:32:20.940 the way I want you to.

00:32:22.280 But I'm saying,

00:32:22.900 in the beginning,

00:32:23.620 right,

00:32:24.020 you compromised on that thing.

00:32:25.960 So...

00:32:26.360 So what?

00:32:26.960 I mean,

00:32:27.160 so I don't understand

00:32:28.120 the issue here.

00:32:28.660 So he wants this now.

00:32:30.240 She's not doing it.

00:32:30.980 But it leads to divorce,

00:32:32.060 ultimately.

00:32:32.720 Exactly.

00:32:33.540 No,

00:32:33.980 what I'm saying is...

00:32:35.180 Yeah,

00:32:35.320 that's a cause.

00:32:35.860 I get dopamine,

00:32:36.620 but what I'm saying to you is,

00:32:38.340 for me,

00:32:38.840 divorce is not as bad

00:32:40.000 as her not putting a hijab on anyway.

00:32:41.560 Like,

00:32:41.780 if I were to get married to her

00:32:42.560 and then get divorced,

00:32:44.200 it's better...

00:32:44.820 That whole situation,

00:32:46.260 Islamically speaking,

00:32:47.100 is better than her

00:32:48.320 not putting a hijab on.

00:32:49.240 Yeah,

00:32:49.280 what she's saying is that

00:32:50.440 basically why a marriage

00:32:51.180 is breaking down,

00:32:51.780 she's saying that's one of the reasons.

00:32:53.140 No,

00:32:53.360 because think about

00:32:54.420 the hokum of talaq is jahis.

00:32:57.080 If I want to divorce a woman

00:32:58.960 for no reason at all,

00:33:00.220 I wake up,

00:33:01.400 sorry,

00:33:01.760 very sorry to say this,

00:33:02.980 I marry a woman,

00:33:04.200 I spend two weeks with her

00:33:05.220 and I feel like

00:33:06.420 there's no compatibility,

00:33:07.900 physically,

00:33:09.280 everything,

00:33:10.000 nothing.

00:33:10.540 Sorry to say,

00:33:11.140 I cannot live with this person

00:33:12.300 and talaq,

00:33:13.480 sorry to say,

00:33:14.840 I'd rather do this

00:33:15.680 sooner rather than later

00:33:16.640 because it will hurt you

00:33:18.160 three months down the line.

00:33:20.460 Now,

00:33:21.000 Islamically speaking,

00:33:21.700 there's nothing wrong with this.

00:33:23.220 Do you know what I'm saying?

00:33:23.800 It's led to divorce.

00:33:25.460 She had done nothing wrong,

00:33:26.680 actually.

00:33:28.000 What I'm saying is that

00:33:28.820 divorce is always a bad thing.

00:33:30.740 No,

00:33:31.000 it's not.

00:33:31.600 What we're saying is that

00:33:32.260 what causes the breakdown,

00:33:33.260 so she's,

00:33:34.000 I'm just talking about

00:33:35.060 one of the reasons

00:33:35.980 why marriage may end

00:33:37.460 is because of people

00:33:38.640 compromising on

00:33:39.660 these specific things.

00:33:41.100 Yes, you're right.

00:33:41.920 You're right,

00:33:42.240 but Sister Doppin,

00:33:42.780 the thing is,

00:33:43.180 it all goes back to Tawheed,

00:33:44.180 it all goes back to

00:33:45.140 obeying Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.

00:33:46.120 You know why?

00:33:46.760 Because we hear this a lot as well,

00:33:48.400 like in the circles I'm in,

00:33:49.380 yeah?

00:33:49.740 Like, oh, for example,

00:33:50.940 the sister,

00:33:51.700 she loves her lipstick.

00:33:53.400 And he's at the beginning like,

00:33:54.880 okay, you know what,

00:33:55.820 because, you know,

00:33:56.560 he's really attractive

00:33:57.200 or whatever it may be,

00:33:57.900 et cetera, yeah?

00:33:58.580 And then he's like,

00:33:59.260 you know,

00:33:59.420 hold on a second, bro,

00:34:00.080 you're not going to have lipstick.

00:34:01.600 Yeah?

00:34:02.220 Yeah, no,

00:34:02.640 you're not going to have lipstick.

00:34:03.340 No, you're not.

00:34:04.980 So the thing is now,

00:34:05.760 then this issue comes

00:34:06.900 with the Western woman side,

00:34:09.120 yeah?

00:34:09.980 Controlling.

00:34:10.380 Yes, he's controlling me.

00:34:12.260 The hell is he been controlling?

00:34:13.240 What the hell are you talking about?

00:34:13.620 He's got boundaries.

00:34:14.660 What do you mean?

00:34:14.980 He doesn't want his wife

00:34:15.760 with the big red lipstick.

00:34:18.220 No, no, no,

00:34:19.100 but let's not call it.

00:34:19.680 The opposite of the show

00:34:20.420 is not doing divorce.

00:34:21.220 We don't want to,

00:34:21.800 you're right.

00:34:22.600 Okay, okay.

00:34:23.200 So, so.

00:34:24.020 No, no, no.

00:34:24.440 It can be sometimes,

00:34:25.340 but right now we're in a pandemic

00:34:26.360 of divorces,

00:34:26.840 we want to see the opposite, yeah?

00:34:28.060 So, so I agree what you're saying,

00:34:29.760 but the point is this,

00:34:30.620 that man has every damn right.

00:34:32.100 And if that woman

00:34:32.920 is going to leave him

00:34:33.680 because of that,

00:34:34.460 salaamu alaykum, bye-bye.

00:34:35.820 Because if my basic right of,

00:34:37.700 I don't want to go with red lipstick, yeah?

00:34:40.000 Not only that,

00:34:40.760 tight clothes, yeah?

00:34:42.160 These are things

00:34:43.220 where men have to become men.

00:34:45.120 And the point is that

00:34:46.060 this is not even a matter of compromise.

00:34:47.640 Forget this.

00:34:48.460 So, so, so,

00:34:49.880 so just,

00:34:51.240 so the point is,

00:34:51.980 I understand that could be,

00:34:53.180 but that is the reason

00:34:54.320 why marriages are breaking down

00:34:55.500 because of petty, ridiculous,

00:34:57.260 petty, ridiculous issues like this.

00:34:58.740 Sorry, can I just add?

00:35:00.240 Yes, can I,

00:35:00.820 and then we're going to go to,

00:35:01.320 but my point is basically,

00:35:03.960 in the beginning,

00:35:04.880 like you said,

00:35:05.560 you shouldn't compromise on anything.

00:35:07.840 You shouldn't compromise on boundaries.

00:35:09.780 Everyone should have boundaries

00:35:10.860 and everyone should stick to them.

00:35:12.220 And that's how you will end up

00:35:14.360 in a successful marriage,

00:35:15.540 in my opinion.

00:35:16.400 Because if you,

00:35:17.120 in the beginning,

00:35:17.520 say, listen,

00:35:18.700 as a woman or as a man,

00:35:20.380 as a Rajel,

00:35:21.040 I am not accepting this from you

00:35:22.720 and I'm not accepting that.

00:35:23.660 Like the brother here said,

00:35:25.220 you shouldn't compromise at all.

00:35:27.480 I feel like the problem

00:35:28.460 is people are compromising.

00:35:29.740 Zishan,

00:35:31.220 they are.

00:35:31.880 For example,

00:35:32.600 they are.

00:35:33.760 The marriage,

00:35:35.020 how it seemed now,

00:35:36.340 how it is now,

00:35:37.120 is different to how it was

00:35:38.240 at the time of the Prophet

00:35:39.140 sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

00:35:39.980 Marriage now

00:35:40.780 is seen as

00:35:43.380 the last hope

00:35:44.660 for a lot of people.

00:35:45.820 Like,

00:35:46.400 it's delayed significantly

00:35:47.880 to 25, 30.

00:35:49.420 You have to get a job.

00:35:50.800 You have to do this.

00:35:51.660 You have to do that.

00:35:52.440 You have to put your foot

00:35:53.160 on your desires.

00:35:53.920 So marriage itself,

00:35:55.600 because of the mountain

00:35:56.940 and the effort

00:35:58.100 that's required to climb it,

00:35:59.900 I don't think we should

00:36:01.420 really be entertaining

00:36:02.500 these sorts of things

00:36:04.440 where we're saying that,

00:36:05.400 look,

00:36:06.000 where we're using examples

00:36:07.440 which are anomalies

00:36:08.680 that are exceptions

00:36:09.480 to the rule.

00:36:10.660 And we're saying that,

00:36:11.640 look,

00:36:11.900 that can also happen

00:36:13.060 because we have to look

00:36:14.100 at how marriage

00:36:15.000 as an institution

00:36:16.600 is considered now,

00:36:18.960 it seems now,

00:36:19.820 and for a lot of people

00:36:21.220 it's the end-all,

00:36:26.000 was it the?

00:36:26.700 The be-all and end-all.

00:36:28.700 Yeah,

00:36:28.920 the reason being

00:36:29.620 because a lot of male suicide

00:36:30.960 is actually linked

00:36:32.060 to the breakup

00:36:33.280 of relationships

00:36:34.020 and a lot of female

00:36:35.880 traumatic experiences

00:36:37.220 are linked to

00:36:38.380 marital issues.

00:36:39.700 So,

00:36:40.940 I am strictly against

00:36:42.580 the fact that people

00:36:43.500 think that they can

00:36:44.620 enter a relationship

00:36:46.140 that a lot of people,

00:36:47.840 you know,

00:36:48.140 be it right or wrong,

00:36:49.160 but movies,

00:36:51.080 music,

00:36:51.620 all of these things

00:36:52.500 do play a part

00:36:53.360 and relationships

00:36:54.480 are held to a high esteem

00:36:56.560 and whether we like it

00:36:58.120 or not,

00:36:58.540 that's how we need

00:36:59.320 to regard it.

00:37:00.120 We can't change

00:37:00.920 the way society is now.

00:37:02.720 So,

00:37:03.220 there's a responsibility,

00:37:05.040 like,

00:37:05.340 there were a lot

00:37:06.100 of kind of assumptions

00:37:06.940 that,

00:37:07.400 okay,

00:37:07.960 and we were going

00:37:08.740 from the beginning stage

00:37:10.540 where we're selecting

00:37:11.220 a partner

00:37:11.780 to then compromising.

00:37:13.660 I say,

00:37:14.120 look,

00:37:14.460 let's just assume

00:37:15.360 from the beginning

00:37:16.200 you have followed

00:37:17.020 the religion,

00:37:17.620 you've spoken to

00:37:18.280 the people of knowledge

00:37:18.920 as you're supposed

00:37:19.860 to before seeking

00:37:21.260 a partner

00:37:21.800 and making sure

00:37:22.960 that the boxes

00:37:23.460 are ticked,

00:37:24.300 yeah?

00:37:24.540 Now that you've done

00:37:25.300 that,

00:37:25.620 now you're going

00:37:26.060 to commit

00:37:26.500 because there's

00:37:27.280 certain commitments

00:37:27.920 that are actually

00:37:28.420 required nowadays

00:37:29.320 that weren't required,

00:37:30.740 say,

00:37:30.900 1,300,

00:37:31.260 1,400 years ago,

00:37:32.300 which is now

00:37:33.220 if a man was to marry

00:37:34.360 and let's just say

00:37:35.700 things don't pan out well,

00:37:37.940 he's losing half

00:37:38.820 of his house,

00:37:39.520 he's losing his kids,

00:37:41.120 like,

00:37:41.440 life is pretty much

00:37:42.580 over for him.

00:37:43.560 It's going to be

00:37:44.160 very difficult

00:37:44.880 and for her as well,

00:37:46.580 I mean,

00:37:47.160 the potential

00:37:47.900 for a second marriage

00:37:49.800 and this and that,

00:37:50.760 it's just not the way

00:37:51.880 it is as it was

00:37:53.120 back in the day.

00:37:53.760 So let's just go back

00:37:55.120 and say,

00:37:55.660 okay,

00:37:56.460 when looking for a partner,

00:37:57.820 make sure the boxes

00:37:58.600 are ticked.

00:37:59.360 Okay,

00:37:59.800 now that you're

00:38:00.760 entering the marriage,

00:38:02.160 I'm sorry,

00:38:02.820 you're an adult.

00:38:04.140 You're dealing

00:38:04.880 with a person,

00:38:05.960 they have feelings,

00:38:07.440 they have a heart

00:38:08.440 and they have a brain,

00:38:10.400 they have a purpose

00:38:11.520 in life,

00:38:12.300 you cannot just play

00:38:13.360 about with that person.

00:38:14.560 I'm just going to air,

00:38:15.360 I'm just going to start,

00:38:16.300 I'm just going to do this.

00:38:17.400 Look,

00:38:17.980 there's a responsibility now,

00:38:19.840 yeah?

00:38:20.280 If you're not responsible,

00:38:21.760 with all due respect,

00:38:22.800 like,

00:38:23.020 go live in a cave,

00:38:23.820 isn't it?

00:38:24.220 Like,

00:38:24.580 go do your thing

00:38:25.320 somewhere else.

00:38:26.000 But if you're going to

00:38:26.600 involve another person,

00:38:28.140 you need to be responsible.

00:38:29.920 Now,

00:38:30.580 when you're going to be

00:38:31.300 responsible,

00:38:31.760 you have to understand

00:38:33.020 or we have to understand

00:38:34.080 that like the sister

00:38:34.920 was saying,

00:38:35.720 there is

00:38:36.280 a top-heavy

00:38:38.140 kind of

00:38:38.780 influx

00:38:39.840 of the way

00:38:40.800 the media tells us

00:38:41.960 about relationships.

00:38:43.140 That,

00:38:43.660 I think,

00:38:44.340 is a big weakness

00:38:45.580 that we have

00:38:46.220 because when we're

00:38:47.080 entering relationships

00:38:47.980 and I'm going to stick

00:38:48.740 with one theme

00:38:49.540 and one theme only

00:38:50.940 and that's fighting,

00:38:52.640 yeah?

00:38:53.080 Fighting.

00:38:53.640 How we deal

00:38:54.480 with fighting

00:38:55.080 because there's harmony,

00:38:57.440 then there's disharmony,

00:38:58.380 then there's repair,

00:38:59.520 then the cycle repeats.

00:39:00.740 This is constant

00:39:01.700 and this will never end.

00:39:03.420 Somebody who thinks

00:39:04.300 that there's no disharmony,

00:39:06.100 their relationship

00:39:07.340 is just not going

00:39:08.360 to function.

00:39:09.360 So,

00:39:09.900 sticking on this point,

00:39:11.280 fighting will occur.

00:39:13.300 Many people are deluded.

00:39:14.560 They think,

00:39:15.000 oh,

00:39:15.080 everything's going

00:39:15.640 to be fine.

00:39:16.520 A lot of times

00:39:17.660 in these movies,

00:39:18.920 there's always

00:39:19.900 a big event

00:39:21.180 that happens

00:39:21.860 that brings

00:39:22.560 the couple together.

00:39:23.740 They never show

00:39:24.660 what happens

00:39:25.300 when things are at rest.

00:39:27.040 Normally,

00:39:27.440 when things are at rest,

00:39:28.800 that's when you're

00:39:29.420 sitting with the person,

00:39:30.240 that's when you're

00:39:30.660 speaking to the person.

00:39:31.880 So,

00:39:32.380 what happens?

00:39:33.300 It's how you deal

00:39:34.760 with the fighting.

00:39:35.660 It's the repair

00:39:36.460 that's the most important thing.

00:39:38.300 A lot of people

00:39:38.940 are fighting,

00:39:40.040 but how are they fighting?

00:39:41.420 They're throwing things around.

00:39:42.940 Again,

00:39:43.240 we're bringing

00:39:43.640 your four horsemen

00:39:44.380 into it.

00:39:45.060 The criticism.

00:39:46.480 How are you

00:39:46.920 criticizing the person?

00:39:48.860 Are you

00:39:49.540 swearing at them?

00:39:52.360 Because contempt

00:39:53.420 is very serious.

00:39:54.960 You're name-calling,

00:39:56.520 you're doing

00:39:57.980 all of these sorts

00:39:58.860 of things.

00:39:59.180 I would definitely say

00:40:00.200 to kind of research

00:40:01.440 those four things.

00:40:02.620 Contempt,

00:40:03.180 stonewalling,

00:40:04.300 you know,

00:40:04.520 these things,

00:40:05.460 like,

00:40:06.120 you'd have two couples.

00:40:07.780 Both of them

00:40:08.400 are fighting,

00:40:09.340 but then one couple,

00:40:10.820 they will repair

00:40:11.600 because they have

00:40:12.260 certain principles,

00:40:13.220 certain usuls,

00:40:13.940 certain maturity levels

00:40:15.040 at place that,

00:40:15.660 look,

00:40:16.080 we're not going to go

00:40:16.860 to sleep angry.

00:40:18.600 We're going to make sure

00:40:19.540 we repair by this time.

00:40:21.420 And this is a sign

00:40:22.380 of emotional maturity.

00:40:24.020 How long does it take you

00:40:25.220 to reach back to baseline?

00:40:27.200 These are the sorts

00:40:28.080 of questions

00:40:28.600 you need to ask

00:40:29.560 before you're getting married.

00:40:30.780 When's the last time

00:40:31.780 you got angry?

00:40:32.880 When's,

00:40:33.260 and how do you recover

00:40:34.100 from your anger?

00:40:34.920 How long does it

00:40:35.720 take you to recover

00:40:37.060 and reach back to baseline?

00:40:38.620 Because a lot of people

00:40:39.640 nowadays,

00:40:40.160 they do not have the patience.

00:40:41.840 Everything is fast,

00:40:43.040 fast,

00:40:43.700 quick,

00:40:44.000 quick,

00:40:44.260 quick,

00:40:44.500 quick,

00:40:44.740 quick,

00:40:44.920 and then suddenly

00:40:45.700 when it comes to marriage,

00:40:46.900 and it's over,

00:40:47.440 over,

00:40:47.720 over.

00:40:48.140 No,

00:40:48.400 that's right.

00:40:48.860 No,

00:40:49.420 it's going to carry on.

00:40:50.560 It's going to spill over.

00:40:52.220 Yeah,

00:40:52.400 so how do you recover?

00:40:54.020 How are you recovering?

00:40:55.160 Stuff like this

00:40:55.760 that needs to be,

00:40:56.580 you need to go through,

00:40:57.640 you need to read books on this,

00:40:59.060 you need to look at tutorials on this,

00:41:01.040 and you need to make sure

00:41:02.180 you're asking your to-be partner

00:41:04.080 about this

00:41:04.800 before you're getting married.

00:41:06.840 And then when you're getting married,

00:41:08.420 it's not as simple as,

00:41:09.640 okay,

00:41:10.080 you know,

00:41:10.280 I'm not happy with this

00:41:11.100 or this,

00:41:11.440 okay,

00:41:11.820 you're committed to that person.

00:41:13.300 Now,

00:41:13.380 I'm sorry.

00:41:14.100 Now you need to take care of them.

00:41:16.240 If there is a weakness,

00:41:17.680 it's not,

00:41:18.200 I'm going to bail now

00:41:18.980 and I'm going to go.

00:41:19.880 I'm sorry,

00:41:20.400 this is not,

00:41:20.980 you're going to meet the person

00:41:21.900 at the finish line.

00:41:22.880 No,

00:41:23.080 you're going to help them now.

00:41:24.180 So some people just wait

00:41:25.420 at the finish line.

00:41:26.300 That's ridiculous.

00:41:27.120 Some people,

00:41:28.060 they're going through a rough patch

00:41:29.200 or something,

00:41:29.580 someone's passed away,

00:41:30.900 you know,

00:41:31.140 something,

00:41:31.580 oh no,

00:41:31.920 no,

00:41:32.020 he's mentally traumatizing me.

00:41:33.880 What nonsense?

00:41:35.260 I don't feel attracted to,

00:41:36.960 what's feeling?

00:41:38.160 What the hell is this?

00:41:39.240 I don't feel like this.

00:41:41.020 An abstract thing

00:41:42.180 that no one can quantify

00:41:43.420 and no one knows

00:41:44.740 when it's going to happen.

00:41:45.880 What ridiculous thing is this?

00:41:48.180 That you are suddenly

00:41:49.600 relying on this thing.

00:41:51.120 In fact,

00:41:51.640 when you get married to somebody,

00:41:53.260 how do you know

00:41:54.380 when the feeling is going to change?

00:41:55.660 How do you know?

00:41:56.420 How do you measure that?

00:41:57.540 So we need to be

00:41:58.600 a bit more pragmatic with this,

00:42:00.380 a bit more practical

00:42:01.300 and that is

00:42:01.900 when these things happen,

00:42:03.400 have things in place.

00:42:04.500 In fact,

00:42:05.220 the founder of the Four Horsemen,

00:42:07.580 Dr. John Gotsman,

00:42:08.420 he actually says

00:42:09.660 amongst other psychologists as well,

00:42:11.620 they said that

00:42:12.320 and he's got 85% success rate

00:42:14.480 when it comes to divorce.

00:42:15.560 Yeah, he can tell.

00:42:16.340 Predictions, yeah.

00:42:17.060 Predictions.

00:42:17.560 And he says that

00:42:18.220 I was interviewing people

00:42:19.440 and I noticed that

00:42:20.260 if they had a ratio of five to one,

00:42:22.380 that when they would say stuff

00:42:23.460 about their partner,

00:42:24.440 if there were five positive things

00:42:25.840 and one negative things,

00:42:27.660 that's the ratio,

00:42:28.840 then they would survive,

00:42:30.240 then it would continue.

00:42:31.000 Another psychologist, therapist said,

00:42:33.860 whoever used,

00:42:35.000 said something negative

00:42:35.840 and then used the word but.

00:42:37.760 Yeah?

00:42:37.940 Oh, he doesn't,

00:42:39.180 you know,

00:42:39.420 he doesn't come home on time,

00:42:41.100 but he makes me laugh.

00:42:42.540 He doesn't do this but.

00:42:43.900 And the thing is,

00:42:44.600 we're so negative.

00:42:45.900 Yeah?

00:42:46.440 We were so negative

00:42:47.460 and another therapist,

00:42:48.640 psychologist says that people,

00:42:50.980 I noticed that the people

00:42:52.580 that journaled

00:42:53.400 what they did in the day,

00:42:54.480 not just what they did,

00:42:55.640 but their feelings as well.

00:42:57.020 Because a lot of times,

00:42:57.920 a lot of things are in our head

00:42:59.260 and they're abstract.

00:43:00.540 We don't know what they are.

00:43:01.880 I feel like this.

00:43:03.400 I don't know what it is.

00:43:05.060 What nonsense is this?

00:43:06.080 You're dealing with another person here.

00:43:08.660 Yeah?

00:43:08.800 You need to find out.

00:43:10.060 You need to bloody find out

00:43:11.100 what those feelings are.

00:43:12.260 Go to a counsellor,

00:43:13.620 go to a person

00:43:14.700 and you need to find out.

00:43:16.520 You go to a couples counsellor,

00:43:17.960 you go to a therapist,

00:43:19.120 counsellor,

00:43:19.640 CBD,

00:43:20.360 BAC,

00:43:20.960 ABC,

00:43:21.660 just don't go to the LGBT.

00:43:23.060 Yeah, yeah, please.

00:43:23.640 So whoever,

00:43:25.320 just invest in your marriage

00:43:27.180 and do not think

00:43:28.480 that it's just going to be you two

00:43:29.740 because the thing is,

00:43:31.040 you're the enemy.

00:43:32.100 She's the enemy.

00:43:33.080 So you're trying to solve stuff

00:43:35.560 when both of you are fired.

00:43:36.880 No,

00:43:37.260 get a mediator,

00:43:38.520 go to a neutral place

00:43:39.820 and let them hear what's going on.

00:43:43.180 Get other people

00:43:44.060 who have knowledge,

00:43:45.040 who have a know-how

00:43:45.880 that are neutral,

00:43:47.060 involved,

00:43:47.620 and work on this thing

00:43:48.920 because you're dealing with people here.

00:43:51.020 Exactly.

00:43:51.400 Very profound.

00:43:52.520 May Allah bless you.

00:43:53.900 Amazing.

00:43:54.840 And the thing is,

00:43:55.780 what you touched upon,

00:43:56.540 Sister Dopamin as well,

00:43:57.220 I'm going to go to you guys as well

00:43:58.260 and Sister Ira.

00:44:00.300 No,

00:44:00.640 we're going to come to Mubarak.

00:44:01.860 Mubarak here,

00:44:02.320 mashallah,

00:44:02.580 he's young.

00:44:02.940 How old are you?

00:44:03.480 21.

00:44:04.100 21,

00:44:04.520 mashallah.

00:44:05.020 I think Mubarak is preparing

00:44:06.600 for the marriage,

00:44:07.920 alhamdulillah.

00:44:08.160 We're going to come to his marriage.

00:44:09.940 Yes,

00:44:10.320 yes,

00:44:10.520 alhamdulillah.

00:44:10.780 We're going to come.

00:44:11.240 If there's anything

00:44:11.580 you want to touch upon as well

00:44:12.780 is that,

00:44:14.020 you know,

00:44:14.300 you said,

00:44:14.600 for example,

00:44:15.220 red flags,

00:44:15.780 et cetera.

00:44:16.360 As men are too

00:44:17.000 from a male's perspective,

00:44:18.100 yeah?

00:44:18.300 Yeah.

00:44:18.600 With us,

00:44:19.140 and I've noticed a lot,

00:44:19.980 I've seen a lot of people

00:44:21.280 who their first marriages

00:44:22.880 always fail,

00:44:23.620 but their second marriages work.

00:44:24.760 Okay.

00:44:25.260 I've seen this trend

00:44:26.320 where it's,

00:44:26.780 and you know,

00:44:27.140 from a man's perspective,

00:44:28.680 where it comes from

00:44:29.220 is the following.

00:44:30.120 Men,

00:44:30.460 when they marry firstly,

00:44:31.380 it's all about looks.

00:44:32.600 Yes.

00:44:33.020 It's all about looks.

00:44:33.920 And when they marry

00:44:34.620 and realize,

00:44:35.180 I married a shayatine,

00:44:36.580 yeah?

00:44:36.960 This is,

00:44:37.260 yeah,

00:44:37.440 full out jinn.

00:44:38.340 Yeah,

00:44:38.640 like 50 jins inside there,

00:44:40.180 yeah?

00:44:40.540 So,

00:44:40.860 you know what I'm being honest,

00:44:42.040 absolute shayatine.

00:44:43.200 And then they're like,

00:44:43.740 you know what?

00:44:44.860 Next time I get married,

00:44:46.560 the looks thing,

00:44:47.900 let's work on that.

00:44:49.220 Then they come to reality.

00:44:50.980 They're like,

00:44:51.220 okay,

00:44:51.360 this girl was 10 out of 10,

00:44:53.060 whatever,

00:44:53.620 but she made my life

00:44:54.800 living hell on earth.

00:44:56.600 Now,

00:44:57.040 I'm not going to make the mistake.

00:44:57.940 What do women do?

00:44:58.700 Women do the same

00:44:59.380 in the sense where they're like,

00:45:00.200 I'm going to change this man,

00:45:01.600 this bad boy.

00:45:02.480 Yeah,

00:45:02.620 I'm going to,

00:45:03.040 you know,

00:45:03.260 I'm going to tame him down.

00:45:04.280 I'm going to be the one.

00:45:05.160 And then she realizes

00:45:05.740 he's fully out of control.

00:45:07.160 He's a tapped in the head guy.

00:45:08.700 Yeah?

00:45:08.960 And then they realize,

00:45:09.880 hmm,

00:45:10.740 I learned a lesson.

00:45:11.780 And that's why what you said

00:45:12.600 is very important

00:45:13.120 because divorce is something

00:45:14.820 that is,

00:45:15.860 you know,

00:45:16.200 it's not frowned upon.

00:45:17.420 Why?

00:45:17.900 Because learning from those mistakes

00:45:20.380 shapes your new marriage.

00:45:21.980 And then you will appreciate

00:45:23.360 your new marriage.

00:45:24.340 This is very,

00:45:25.020 very important.

00:45:25.840 So,

00:45:26.440 touch upon that

00:45:27.000 because these are the mistakes

00:45:27.760 you make.

00:45:28.600 First marriage is always

00:45:29.620 from a man's perspective.

00:45:30.900 He chooses for the wrong reasons.

00:45:32.020 The sister chooses

00:45:32.400 for the wrong reasons.

00:45:33.020 Learn lessons,

00:45:33.740 but they don't carry on

00:45:34.660 to the second marriage.

00:45:35.960 You can quickly,

00:45:36.540 and then we're going to

00:45:36.780 with Sister Farzana,

00:45:37.380 Sister Ira.

00:45:38.040 I was going to say,

00:45:38.840 with these kinds of discussions,

00:45:39.980 I always like to bring it back

00:45:40.880 as Muslims, right?

00:45:42.060 Yes, 100%.

00:45:42.500 To our own type

00:45:43.700 of hierarchization, right?

00:45:45.360 So,

00:45:45.680 the best reason

00:45:46.480 why we can give us,

00:45:47.600 like, for example,

00:45:48.500 Muslim,

00:45:49.160 even now,

00:45:49.720 like,

00:45:49.900 if I were to ask

00:45:50.460 why is divorce bad,

00:45:51.740 yeah?

00:45:52.760 It would be consequentialist

00:45:53.660 type argument.

00:45:54.200 So,

00:45:54.340 you'll say,

00:45:54.700 you're on single parent household

00:45:56.300 and all that kind of things,

00:45:57.020 right?

00:45:57.320 But that's a very specific

00:45:58.360 kind of marriage.

00:45:59.100 That's a marriage

00:45:59.580 where you have children

00:46:00.100 with a partner, right?

00:46:01.060 All right,

00:46:01.520 so,

00:46:02.000 already we can distinguish

00:46:02.920 between a marriage

00:46:04.120 where you have children

00:46:04.740 with a partner

00:46:05.260 and a marriage

00:46:05.680 where you don't have

00:46:06.240 children with a partner.

00:46:07.040 Where you have children

00:46:07.700 with a partner,

00:46:09.120 the consequences of divorce

00:46:10.600 are actually intensified.

00:46:12.500 And everyone can agree

00:46:13.620 that, okay,

00:46:14.140 if you have kids

00:46:14.740 with this person now,

00:46:15.580 if you divorce,

00:46:16.900 then you're putting

00:46:17.520 these kids in a bad position.

00:46:19.420 However,

00:46:19.880 now,

00:46:20.080 let's say,

00:46:20.540 for example,

00:46:20.760 you don't have kids

00:46:21.300 with this person

00:46:21.820 and you don't like them.

00:46:23.700 What does the religion say

00:46:25.080 about a man leaving a woman

00:46:26.520 or a woman leaving a woman

00:46:27.140 if she feels him repugnant?

00:46:29.300 I mean,

00:46:29.740 the woman came to the Prophet

00:46:30.800 Muhammad Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam

00:46:31.120 and she said,

00:46:32.200 لَوْلَ مَخِفَتِ اللَّ

00:46:33.200 أَوَا سَقْتُ فِي وَجْهِ

00:46:34.060 It wasn't for the fear of God

00:46:35.640 that would have spat

00:46:36.140 in this man's face.

00:46:36.880 فَفَرَّقَ بَيْنَهُمَا وَكَانَ

00:46:39.140 هَذَا أَوْلَ خُلْوَاتِ الْإِسْلَمِ

00:46:41.000 The Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam

00:46:41.840 in Bukhari,

00:46:42.540 actually.

00:46:43.000 He divorced them immediately.

00:46:45.340 But why?

00:46:45.980 Because in Islam,

00:46:47.080 I'm sorry to say,

00:46:47.720 there isn't this idea

00:46:48.600 that you should be

00:46:49.640 with someone you do not like.

00:46:50.980 I've given two pieces of evidence.

00:46:52.060 That one,

00:46:52.960 they're both actually women.

00:46:55.020 And the other one

00:46:55.580 was Barir al-Mughiith,

00:46:57.520 which is a very famous

00:46:58.200 hadith as well.

00:46:59.360 The only arguments

00:47:00.260 we can really give

00:47:00.780 is consequentialist-type arguments.

00:47:02.940 What's worse than divorce?

00:47:05.380 Okay,

00:47:05.800 we already said

00:47:06.320 what kind of divorce is bad

00:47:07.360 from a consequentialist perspective

00:47:08.340 is divorce with a family.

00:47:10.280 The worst thing that can come

00:47:11.180 apart from that

00:47:12.180 from a divorce is pain.

00:47:13.360 Okay,

00:47:13.760 heartbreak from either

00:47:14.580 the man or the woman

00:47:15.200 or both.

00:47:16.060 I understand that,

00:47:17.180 but like,

00:47:17.940 what's worse?

00:47:18.880 Pain for two years,

00:47:20.900 because according to

00:47:21.720 the study that was done

00:47:22.980 in, I think it was

00:47:23.500 Bristol University,

00:47:24.320 post-traumatic grief,

00:47:25.780 by the way,

00:47:26.260 men spend longer time

00:47:27.620 to recover from heartbreak

00:47:29.320 than women,

00:47:29.760 apparently.

00:47:30.620 The upper limit

00:47:31.220 is 18 months,

00:47:32.440 effectively.

00:47:33.780 Like,

00:47:34.020 anything other

00:47:34.860 than 18 months,

00:47:36.440 heartbreak,

00:47:37.180 people would not really

00:47:38.220 report it,

00:47:38.700 like 5% or something like that.

00:47:40.160 After 18 months,

00:47:41.040 the majority of people,

00:47:42.140 the majority of their pain

00:47:42.940 is gone,

00:47:44.000 according to that study

00:47:44.860 on post-relationship grief.

00:47:47.440 So apart from

00:47:48.080 pain,

00:47:49.880 heartbreak,

00:47:50.420 you've got heartbreak,

00:47:51.140 then you've got the kids.

00:47:52.420 You don't have the kids

00:47:53.100 in the situation,

00:47:53.820 but you've got to deal

00:47:54.360 with heartbreak

00:47:54.720 if you love the person.

00:47:55.960 If you didn't love the person,

00:47:57.620 you don't even need

00:47:58.300 to deal with that.

00:47:59.900 So, okay,

00:48:00.340 so in that situation,

00:48:02.560 Yanni,

00:48:03.120 here we're still faced

00:48:04.420 with a certain situation.

00:48:05.760 Being married

00:48:06.440 and then getting divorced,

00:48:08.140 situation A,

00:48:08.760 you don't have kids

00:48:09.280 with this person,

00:48:09.840 the consequences

00:48:10.400 of the children

00:48:12.080 being not in the equation

00:48:12.800 is death.

00:48:14.040 Or,

00:48:14.540 let's say,

00:48:14.880 for example,

00:48:15.280 you're not married,

00:48:16.000 but you're addicted

00:48:16.540 to pornography.

00:48:17.580 You're not lowering

00:48:18.060 your gaze.

00:48:18.900 You're not doing nothing

00:48:19.640 that Islam is saying.

00:48:20.760 You're distracted.

00:48:22.240 You're,

00:48:22.800 you know,

00:48:23.660 you're actually still in pain

00:48:25.120 from your proof,

00:48:25.740 whatever it may be,

00:48:26.380 right?

00:48:27.160 Which of the two situations

00:48:28.060 is better?

00:48:28.380 For me,

00:48:29.460 even if,

00:48:30.300 I'm not going to say

00:48:30.840 like these scholars

00:48:32.260 who say marriage

00:48:33.840 with the intention

00:48:34.260 of divorce,

00:48:34.920 they actually mention

00:48:36.080 with the intention

00:48:36.780 of divorce,

00:48:37.280 right?

00:48:38.580 I'm not going to say

00:48:39.400 go into any marriage.

00:48:40.760 I agree with each other.

00:48:41.300 I mean,

00:48:41.720 with anyone,

00:48:42.300 right?

00:48:42.900 Do not go into any marriage

00:48:43.880 with the intention

00:48:44.320 of divorce.

00:48:44.720 But what if you go

00:48:45.200 into a marriage

00:48:45.600 and say the following,

00:48:46.880 with the following intention?

00:48:48.320 I'm going to go

00:48:48.900 into this marriage

00:48:49.480 and I'm going to test the waters.

00:48:51.100 I don't know

00:48:51.460 if I'm going to be

00:48:51.740 with this woman

00:48:52.080 for the rest of my life

00:48:52.660 or not.

00:48:53.960 How about that?

00:48:54.520 Because that intention

00:48:56.240 for me

00:48:56.720 is better than

00:48:58.580 going into

00:48:59.700 effectively pornography,

00:49:01.400 addiction,

00:49:01.700 which are the two

00:49:02.440 big ailments of the time.

00:49:03.720 Let me say something.

00:49:04.560 Do you know

00:49:04.800 when we say that

00:49:05.320 times have changed?

00:49:06.160 It's true.

00:49:07.780 But let's follow,

00:49:08.620 let's consider

00:49:09.740 the following.

00:49:10.360 Asmaq bin to Omais

00:49:11.060 as an individual,

00:49:11.740 yeah?

00:49:12.300 Look at the attitude.

00:49:13.360 This is a sahabiyah.

00:49:14.660 Look at the attitude

00:49:15.240 towards divorce

00:49:16.000 that people had

00:49:17.120 towards her.

00:49:18.300 She was a sahabiyah.

00:49:18.980 She had married

00:49:19.500 four of the sahabiyahs,

00:49:20.700 men.

00:49:21.440 She had married

00:49:22.100 Ali ibn Abi Talib.

00:49:23.900 Ja'far ibn Abi Talib.

00:49:27.280 She had married

00:49:27.720 Abu Bakr Siddiq

00:49:28.560 and one other person

00:49:29.340 who I forget who it is.

00:49:30.660 And even to the point

00:49:31.500 where she was asked

00:49:32.640 the question like,

00:49:33.360 who from your husband

00:49:34.620 did you like the most?

00:49:37.560 And then she said

00:49:38.100 from the older men

00:49:38.960 it was Abu Bakr

00:49:39.880 and from the younger men

00:49:40.620 it was Ali.

00:49:41.560 And then,

00:49:42.080 what do you call it?

00:49:43.400 Ali, sorry,

00:49:44.120 it was Ja'far.

00:49:44.880 And Ali said,

00:49:45.540 what about me?

00:49:45.980 You've left nothing for me.

00:49:46.680 So it was all laissez-faire

00:49:48.260 and comical.

00:49:49.340 Like you would not imagine

00:49:50.460 in today's age

00:49:51.380 that kind of attitude

00:49:52.840 towards divorce

00:49:53.600 being the case.

00:49:54.600 Like, okay,

00:49:55.260 this woman has married

00:49:56.040 this guy and his friend here.

00:49:57.520 Or his cousin.

00:49:58.820 Do you get what I'm saying?

00:49:59.540 It's out of,

00:50:00.260 imagine this one woman

00:50:01.820 has married this guy

00:50:02.520 and his friend over there.

00:50:03.760 Like, to be honest with you,

00:50:04.820 it's a bit off key.

00:50:05.860 Like, in today's age

00:50:07.040 we would accept it.

00:50:07.560 But what I'm saying is that

00:50:08.160 What are you saying is

00:50:08.680 Just to wrap up,

00:50:10.300 the point is that

00:50:11.040 if there's any age

00:50:12.820 in human history

00:50:13.480 where we need to have

00:50:14.500 more of a laissez-faire attitude

00:50:15.640 towards Nikash

00:50:17.020 in my opinion

00:50:18.180 it's today's age.

00:50:19.900 Why?

00:50:20.420 Because if you don't have

00:50:22.040 that laissez-faire attitude

00:50:24.900 then the repercussions

00:50:26.540 are quite bad.

00:50:27.980 Okay, I think

00:50:28.700 it's very important

00:50:29.280 to understand that

00:50:29.960 it's not a taboo thing.

00:50:30.760 We don't want to make it seem

00:50:31.500 like divorce is something

00:50:32.360 that you cannot do

00:50:33.740 and it's simple

00:50:34.320 etc.

00:50:34.660 but okay,

00:50:35.880 but can we

00:50:36.220 before we go to Dishan

00:50:37.300 because I think

00:50:37.800 this isn't worth it.

00:50:38.760 Yeah, I've been waiting

00:50:39.360 for a while now.

00:50:40.820 That's in the building, isn't it?

00:50:42.780 Yeah, sister,

00:50:43.400 you can speak here.

00:50:44.660 First, I want to touch upon

00:50:46.000 you mentioned pornography.

00:50:48.460 So marriage is not a cure

00:50:49.480 for a man or a woman

00:50:50.920 who are addicted to pornography

00:50:52.360 or a toxic person

00:50:53.860 or a mummy's boy.

00:50:55.440 You know where

00:50:55.800 sometimes the mothers

00:50:57.000 will say

00:50:57.440 oh, he'll be okay

00:50:58.320 once he gets married.

00:50:59.600 So marriage is not a cure

00:51:00.620 for these type of people.

00:51:01.660 The other thing is

00:51:02.880 I work with sisters

00:51:04.660 and couples

00:51:05.820 and at the moment

00:51:08.040 from the past

00:51:09.340 now people are starting

00:51:10.160 to get educated

00:51:10.880 on not trying

00:51:11.980 to change people

00:51:13.080 but that was one

00:51:15.060 of the common denominators

00:51:16.320 that I'm going

00:51:17.500 to change this person

00:51:18.580 or I'm going to change her

00:51:20.060 once they get married.

00:51:21.360 That's a big problem

00:51:22.260 and many, many, many

00:51:23.580 divorces have happened

00:51:24.440 because of that reason

00:51:25.400 and the other one

00:51:26.640 is where the parents

00:51:27.900 think marriage

00:51:28.440 is a cure

00:51:28.920 for their sons

00:51:30.360 that are, you know,

00:51:31.000 off-road

00:51:31.840 and, you know,

00:51:33.260 going the other way.

00:51:34.180 So, you know,

00:51:34.920 I don't want to mention

00:51:35.640 each thing

00:51:37.120 but, you know,

00:51:37.960 we can all agree on that

00:51:39.000 that marriage is not a cure

00:51:40.020 for these type of people.

00:51:40.820 Do you know about pornography

00:51:42.140 and zina?

00:51:42.560 That's a prophetic advice.

00:51:44.600 It is.

00:51:45.000 The Prophet ﷺ was asked

00:51:45.900 whoever can of you

00:51:50.940 let him get married.

00:51:51.680 Let him get married.

00:51:52.260 So in other words

00:51:52.740 the Prophet's advice

00:51:54.260 towards marriage

00:51:55.020 was pretty laissez-faire.

00:51:56.100 It's like whoever can do it

00:51:56.980 just do it.

00:51:57.600 Okay, let's talk about

00:51:58.380 the people that can't get married

00:51:59.720 that should not get married.

00:52:01.420 Okay, okay.

00:52:02.060 No, okay, okay.

00:52:03.140 You mentioned fasting

00:52:04.060 but then there are

00:52:05.400 okay, okay,

00:52:06.140 there are individuals

00:52:06.960 Guys, guys,

00:52:08.200 the topic has gone somewhere else.

00:52:09.680 I'm so sorry, forgive me.

00:52:10.260 Because we're talking about

00:52:11.860 why marriage is break.

00:52:13.260 So I'm trying to stay on that

00:52:16.020 why marriage is breaking.

00:52:16.780 So why is marriage is breaking?

00:52:18.000 So, okay, changing people

00:52:19.920 thinking marriage is a cure

00:52:21.520 for toxic people

00:52:22.520 marriage is a cure

00:52:23.340 for mummy's boys.

00:52:24.560 You know,

00:52:24.820 if you're going to get

00:52:25.320 a mummy's boy married off

00:52:26.680 he'll always be a mummy

00:52:28.780 but he'll see that woman

00:52:29.820 as his mother

00:52:30.500 and if she doesn't

00:52:31.800 you know,

00:52:32.920 behave like that

00:52:33.700 or deliver in that way

00:52:35.380 then he's going to think

00:52:36.480 that marriage has failed.

00:52:37.460 I think one of the biggest

00:52:38.380 So it's not just

00:52:39.120 I'm going to come to Zeeshan

00:52:40.140 and the sister Ira as well.

00:52:41.400 The thing is,

00:52:42.000 the biggest

00:52:42.320 what I've realised

00:52:43.340 from little

00:52:43.820 that I speak to around people

00:52:45.340 because I'm dealing

00:52:45.780 with that situation

00:52:46.380 like I'm looking at

00:52:46.960 what's going on

00:52:47.420 is this

00:52:48.400 third people getting involved

00:52:50.760 other people getting involved.

00:52:52.380 It's the crux

00:52:53.040 one of the crux of the matter

00:52:53.760 what it is

00:52:54.400 is that

00:52:54.780 people go to advice

00:52:56.480 you need to understand

00:52:57.220 I see marriage like this

00:52:59.020 this clothing that I'm wearing

00:53:02.000 and my wife wears

00:53:02.920 it's tailored to us

00:53:04.340 it's not

00:53:05.520 when I go and buy a clothing

00:53:07.300 I have a size

00:53:08.120 a waist size

00:53:09.140 you get what I'm trying to say

00:53:09.780 same with my wife

00:53:11.120 it's like a clothing

00:53:12.180 that we're wearing

00:53:12.680 it's like somebody

00:53:13.740 else coming to my marriage

00:53:14.380 and saying

00:53:14.640 hey,

00:53:15.000 why don't you try my clothes on

00:53:16.260 and I'm like

00:53:17.380 oh,

00:53:17.640 it might not fit

00:53:18.040 it might be too big for me

00:53:19.380 no, no, no

00:53:20.020 I think it'll be good

00:53:20.980 the reason I'm giving this example

00:53:22.580 is because

00:53:23.080 what happens is

00:53:23.860 when marriage disputes happen

00:53:25.140 the husband or the wife

00:53:26.700 goes to somebody else

00:53:27.540 and now they're giving advice

00:53:29.000 based on their marriage

00:53:30.100 and their standards

00:53:31.280 and they're like

00:53:31.620 brother,

00:53:31.980 yours is bespoke for you

00:53:33.680 and mine is bespoke for me

00:53:35.360 yes,

00:53:35.680 general nasir you can give

00:53:36.620 but what happens is

00:53:37.840 then these advisors are given

00:53:39.200 you should do this

00:53:40.320 or you should do that

00:53:41.200 my husband's not like that

00:53:42.440 your dynamics

00:53:43.700 with your husband

00:53:44.480 is totally different to mine

00:53:46.640 the nasir you're giving me

00:53:48.320 it doesn't fit me

00:53:49.680 it's the clothes you're giving me

00:53:50.440 I'm wearing it

00:53:51.040 it's extra, extra, extra large

00:53:52.340 or it's extra, extra, extra small

00:53:54.040 and I'm like

00:53:54.540 I'm a bit uncomfortable in this

00:53:55.400 it's like

00:53:55.540 no, no, no

00:53:55.780 it'll work, it'll work

00:53:56.340 it doesn't

00:53:57.360 so one of the reasons

00:53:58.520 I found out

00:53:59.160 is that

00:54:00.040 people going in

00:54:01.620 seeking advice

00:54:02.680 from people

00:54:03.920 who might be

00:54:04.940 look, mature people

00:54:06.480 but

00:54:06.900 don't give me advice

00:54:08.740 based on how your marriage works

00:54:10.140 so Zeeshan

00:54:11.220 you pressed the buzzer

00:54:12.800 yeah, five minutes ago

00:54:13.720 yeah, and you're not

00:54:14.360 I just wanted to let you know

00:54:15.240 it means nothing

00:54:15.720 shorter than my turn

00:54:16.840 I'm joking

00:54:18.000 so Zeeshan

00:54:19.060 it's the first time you've pressed

00:54:19.880 Alhamdulillah

00:54:20.300 it's really sad

00:54:22.620 that we have you here

00:54:23.240 but we have to

00:54:23.760 we have no choice

00:54:24.300 if you want to add some

00:54:25.620 two-perce feet

00:54:26.280 if you have anything

00:54:26.880 yeah, so

00:54:27.980 I'm going to say

00:54:28.760 what I need to say

00:54:29.400 and leave

00:54:30.420 everyone has one and a half minute

00:54:33.220 you have 30 seconds

00:54:34.000 yeah

00:54:34.760 I'm joking

00:54:35.140 you've got one and a half minute

00:54:35.600 go on

00:54:35.780 no, I've got one hour

00:54:37.200 so look

00:54:38.180 the thing is

00:54:39.360 today there's a

00:54:41.220 there's a

00:54:41.820 great lack of boundaries

00:54:43.480 there's an attack

00:54:44.760 and the thing is

00:54:46.080 the family life

00:54:47.140 the family unit

00:54:47.820 has become extremely significant

00:54:49.460 because of the rise of the LGBT

00:54:50.800 and we need to

00:54:52.400 bear these things

00:54:53.300 into consideration

00:54:54.120 the family unit

00:54:55.480 has become

00:54:56.320 really significant

00:54:57.580 and that's why

00:54:58.360 rather than

00:54:59.280 we keep missing

00:55:00.300 the first point

00:55:01.700 which is

00:55:02.160 finding your partner

00:55:03.400 we have to assume

00:55:04.620 that the partner

00:55:05.460 has been found

00:55:06.380 we've done

00:55:06.920 we've ticked the boxes

00:55:08.080 because I'm sure

00:55:08.780 the viewers

00:55:09.320 they know

00:55:09.980 that there's certain

00:55:10.760 considerations

00:55:11.480 certain things

00:55:12.620 that you need to look at first

00:55:13.860 now

00:55:14.600 after that's done

00:55:16.060 there's a saying

00:55:17.060 that somebody said

00:55:17.840 and I think it's very profound

00:55:18.940 and maybe people

00:55:20.660 that are a bit older

00:55:21.420 tend to understand this

00:55:22.640 because when you're younger

00:55:23.800 you tend to think

00:55:24.620 the grass is greener

00:55:25.580 on the other side

00:55:26.220 you have a lot of options

00:55:27.160 and maybe you're getting

00:55:28.060 pinged here in their messages

00:55:29.360 fair enough

00:55:30.460 they say

00:55:31.920 a soulmate

00:55:32.720 is somebody

00:55:33.260 who you decide

00:55:34.260 to make it work with

00:55:35.320 there's no one

00:55:36.860 that's meant to be

00:55:37.840 it's someone

00:55:38.800 that you decide

00:55:39.900 that you're gonna

00:55:40.920 make it work

00:55:41.640 with that person

00:55:42.300 and the thing is

00:55:43.620 somehow

00:55:44.040 people that are

00:55:45.240 over 30

00:55:46.000 they're like

00:55:46.480 33

00:55:46.940 35

00:55:47.380 they found

00:55:48.320 their soulmate

00:55:48.980 why is that the case

00:55:50.000 because they've decided

00:55:51.200 to make it work

00:55:52.240 they've decided

00:55:53.080 we've done enough

00:55:54.220 now we're gonna

00:55:54.980 make it work

00:55:55.520 so it comes back

00:55:56.340 to this exact thing

00:55:57.360 make sure you've

00:55:58.460 ticked your boxes

00:55:59.040 at the beginning

00:55:59.600 and then make sure

00:56:01.440 you have the tools

00:56:02.700 in your arsenal

00:56:03.820 and your tool chest

00:56:04.980 that will help

00:56:06.360 to deal

00:56:07.420 with those arguments

00:56:08.800 because it's those arguments

00:56:10.220 that people can't deal with

00:56:11.660 they can't handle

00:56:12.880 and it's them

00:56:14.280 that get spiraled

00:56:15.260 at that time

00:56:16.180 you'll insult

00:56:16.760 the mother-in-law

00:56:17.500 you'll say something

00:56:18.440 or you'll maybe

00:56:20.000 insult someone's religion

00:56:21.780 or something like that

00:56:22.760 and a person will remember

00:56:23.740 that for the rest

00:56:24.280 of their life

00:56:24.780 so certain things

00:56:26.920 get said

00:56:27.420 because those people

00:56:28.440 just don't know

00:56:29.580 or you don't know

00:56:30.520 how to handle that person

00:56:31.720 and people give up

00:56:32.640 too quickly I think

00:56:33.500 true

00:56:33.940 I wanna go to you

00:56:35.020 as a young man

00:56:36.120 you're not married

00:56:36.900 we've all been married

00:56:38.140 when you hear this

00:56:39.200 is it scary for you

00:56:40.040 is it like

00:56:40.520 you know what

00:56:40.940 this is some goodness

00:56:42.120 this year I can benefit from

00:56:43.300 no no no

00:56:44.600 he's a young man

00:56:46.180 he's young mashallah

00:56:47.180 he's gonna be learning

00:56:47.880 so like

00:56:48.460 what would you say Aki

00:56:49.300 like how do you feel

00:56:50.160 when it comes to divorce

00:56:50.840 when you hear it

00:56:51.520 you know

00:56:52.080 so what I'll say is like

00:56:53.820 definitely it's a lot harder

00:56:55.260 I would say in this generation

00:56:56.660 the new generation

00:56:57.360 of like

00:56:58.140 I'd say after 2000

00:57:00.040 it's gonna be very difficult

00:57:01.020 because a lot of people

00:57:02.340 nowadays like

00:57:02.920 they're very immature

00:57:03.540 and they've been raised

00:57:04.400 in a very immature way

00:57:06.280 and like

00:57:06.780 I just

00:57:09.120 personally I think

00:57:10.140 the best thing to do

00:57:10.920 is just like

00:57:11.640 not try and reinvent the wheel

00:57:12.740 just go

00:57:13.360 look at your parents

00:57:14.440 look at your grandparents

00:57:15.100 that's probably the best thing to do

00:57:17.020 and like

00:57:18.140 a lot of people nowadays

00:57:18.920 they think they can change things

00:57:20.060 and like

00:57:20.440 make things different

00:57:21.660 yeah and it worked with them

00:57:22.980 it worked with the older generation

00:57:24.340 yeah

00:57:24.880 I just

00:57:25.500 yeah

00:57:25.920 I think that's probably

00:57:27.040 the best approach

00:57:27.800 to try and

00:57:28.540 go for what works

00:57:29.760 and don't try and like

00:57:31.220 change it

00:57:32.020 and like

00:57:32.400 copying ideologies

00:57:33.820 like you know

00:57:34.520 we think we know it all

00:57:36.280 can I

00:57:36.920 yeah people act like

00:57:37.860 they know more

00:57:38.540 do you want to say something

00:57:39.600 anything going on

00:57:41.340 let's put sister Aira

00:57:42.020 because she hasn't spoken

00:57:42.760 and then sister opening

00:57:43.740 and then sister Aira

00:57:44.920 I think brother Zeeshan

00:57:45.980 sort of covered everything

00:57:47.000 I was going to say

00:57:47.680 but the only thing

00:57:48.240 I'd like to add

00:57:48.860 is that

00:57:49.440 a lot of us

00:57:51.000 need to get our head

00:57:51.940 out of the sky

00:57:52.520 and come back to earth

00:57:53.340 because we have

00:57:54.140 really high expectations

00:57:55.300 and we almost romanticise

00:57:56.640 what marriage is

00:57:57.340 we look at TikTok

00:57:59.040 for marriage couple goals

00:58:00.320 and none of that is real

00:58:01.720 I think the sooner we realise

00:58:02.820 that it's all fake

00:58:03.600 the better it will be

00:58:04.580 for our own selves

00:58:05.420 I think we need to start looking

00:58:07.320 like other brothers said

00:58:08.100 closer to home

00:58:08.900 so rather than looking for

00:58:10.140 role models online

00:58:11.240 look at home

00:58:11.980 look at how your dad

00:58:12.780 treats your mum

00:58:13.380 and if he doesn't treat her right

00:58:14.660 learn from that

00:58:15.700 understand that

00:58:16.780 that's not how I'm going to

00:58:17.960 treat my wife

00:58:18.680 or my husband

00:58:19.380 you know

00:58:20.560 not everybody has

00:58:21.600 great examples at home

00:58:22.760 but you can still put

00:58:24.100 two and two together

00:58:25.140 and make it work

00:58:26.060 regardless

00:58:26.440 and I think we have

00:58:27.840 a low tolerance level

00:58:29.000 and we have high expectations

00:58:30.140 how is that supposed to even work

00:58:32.240 and I think that's

00:58:33.840 another issue

00:58:34.620 we don't have patience

00:58:35.380 we lack communication skills

00:58:37.900 we lack listening skills

00:58:39.060 we communicate

00:58:39.760 to argue

00:58:40.420 and to be right

00:58:41.380 rather than solve the problem

00:58:42.280 we listen to reply

00:58:43.000 rather than listen to learn

00:58:43.780 exactly

00:58:44.640 so I think there's quite

00:58:46.020 a lot of few things

00:58:46.620 I think people that are

00:58:47.540 looking to get married

00:58:48.140 should always

00:58:48.720 always always

00:58:49.500 look within themselves

00:58:50.640 and ask themselves

00:58:51.640 like if I was to be faced

00:58:52.720 with this problem tomorrow

00:58:54.040 say my husband wants to go

00:58:55.360 and get a second wife

00:58:56.060 how would I deal with it

00:58:56.960 like ask yourself

00:58:58.640 you know

00:58:59.260 what strategies do I have

00:59:01.160 that I can implement

00:59:01.860 and that I can actually

00:59:02.540 put on the table

00:59:03.140 we don't look within ourselves

00:59:04.940 we just think right

00:59:05.780 I'm going to go with the flow

00:59:06.640 I'm going to just go with the wind

00:59:07.560 and when it's time to take it

00:59:08.400 I'm going to find somebody

00:59:09.120 and get married

00:59:09.540 but we don't do the inner work

00:59:11.520 and I think that's where

00:59:13.020 the issues happen

00:59:13.600 because if you've got trauma

00:59:14.540 that you've unhealed from

00:59:15.920 that's going to bleed out eventually

00:59:17.000 and then you almost

00:59:18.220 expect marriage to fix that

00:59:20.260 and it's like

00:59:21.240 oh the other person

00:59:21.980 your better half

00:59:22.680 as they call it

00:59:23.680 to fix that

00:59:24.560 and your better half

00:59:25.840 isn't going to fix that

00:59:26.580 you need to fix that

00:59:27.420 you don't take baggage with you

00:59:29.160 you know

00:59:29.400 whatever it is

00:59:30.120 so yeah

00:59:31.600 I think doing a lot of inner work

00:59:32.660 is going to help

00:59:33.440 have a successful marriage

00:59:34.820 having patience

00:59:35.640 definitely

00:59:36.260 we get worked up

00:59:38.140 and ticked off

00:59:38.640 so quickly these days

00:59:39.680 and it's like

00:59:40.280 people have become

00:59:40.820 overly sensitive

00:59:41.620 you can't even make a joke

00:59:42.920 without them crying about it

00:59:44.160 and I think we need to

00:59:45.780 toughen up a little bit

00:59:47.000 we've become very weak

00:59:48.220 over the years

00:59:48.900 and you know

00:59:49.580 what's interesting to Ira

00:59:50.300 like for example

00:59:50.940 if you look at the Quran

00:59:51.680 and the Sunnah

00:59:52.160 like there was a time

00:59:52.920 when the Prophet ﷺ

00:59:53.500 his wife gave him a hard time

00:59:55.800 this is the best man

00:59:56.880 to walk this earth

00:59:57.380 and the best woman

00:59:57.980 but he didn't divorce them

01:00:01.160 one of them

01:00:01.980 yes one of them

01:00:03.580 but if you look at generally

01:00:04.760 and what they were doing

01:00:05.580 and stuff

01:00:06.020 yeah there was so many situations

01:00:07.960 where he was in a peak situation

01:00:09.140 where you know

01:00:09.880 at one point he left them all

01:00:10.920 and they feared like

01:00:11.940 did he divorce them

01:00:12.580 but the point is this

01:00:13.940 they went through those struggles

01:00:15.720 ups and downs

01:00:16.600 but divorce

01:00:17.460 and again

01:00:17.960 when it's not that it's frowned upon

01:00:19.080 but the divorce

01:00:20.220 was not really mentioned

01:00:21.400 but today

01:00:22.400 anything small that happens

01:00:24.000 divorce

01:00:24.580 they say divorce

01:00:25.700 and you're looking at it

01:00:27.140 and the Prophet ﷺ

01:00:27.840 there was so many

01:00:28.840 imagine going through

01:00:29.720 all of that

01:00:30.700 and then coming home

01:00:31.900 and sometimes the wives

01:00:32.800 are causing issues

01:00:33.780 and but he never ever

01:00:35.620 like I would say never ever

01:00:36.660 but majority of the time

01:00:38.100 he didn't resort to it

01:00:38.780 and he was dealing with it

01:00:39.520 so this is the dopamine

01:00:40.760 and yeah

01:00:41.660 I was going to mention about

01:00:44.500 add to the brother

01:00:45.760 sorry I don't remember his name

01:00:47.540 yeah

01:00:47.920 sorry

01:00:49.140 he mentioned about

01:00:53.020 people giving up too quick

01:00:54.740 and stuff like that

01:00:55.400 and when it comes to the problems

01:00:56.600 in the marriage

01:00:57.080 people having arguments

01:00:58.620 and fighting

01:00:59.380 and a client of mine

01:01:01.340 and she doesn't mind me

01:01:02.040 mentioning this

01:01:02.700 it was the end of the marriage

01:01:04.420 right according to

01:01:05.380 what happened

01:01:06.040 and the scenario

01:01:06.720 and she asked her dad

01:01:08.700 what should I do

01:01:10.140 in this case

01:01:10.800 and her dad said to her

01:01:12.280 it all depends on

01:01:13.520 how much you can tolerate

01:01:14.520 so based on what her dad

01:01:16.880 said to her

01:01:17.440 it depends on how much

01:01:18.580 you can tolerate

01:01:19.100 she then went away

01:01:20.380 and said to the husband

01:01:21.800 shall we get counselling

01:01:23.580 that was refused

01:01:24.920 right

01:01:25.460 so based on his refusal

01:01:27.040 he ended and resulted

01:01:28.460 in divorce

01:01:29.080 so a lot of people

01:01:31.000 are not exercising

01:01:31.780 the things that are

01:01:32.460 actually available to them

01:01:33.640 which is counselling

01:01:34.460 it's shunned upon

01:01:35.540 and I think it actually

01:01:36.460 can save a lot more

01:01:37.340 marriages if people

01:01:38.500 actually looked into

01:01:39.420 from you guys' experience

01:01:40.980 does counselling

01:01:42.080 like marriage counselling

01:01:43.700 does it help save marriages

01:01:44.700 because in the Quran

01:01:46.380 we do have this

01:01:47.320 you know

01:01:47.800 if you fear

01:01:52.440 I mean this is one thing

01:01:53.620 that if you pay attention

01:01:54.800 to the tensions here

01:01:55.980 and the persons

01:01:57.280 in that ayah

01:01:58.120 if you fear that

01:01:59.060 they're going to divorce

01:01:59.720 each other

01:02:00.020 bring a judge

01:02:02.000 from their family

01:02:03.000 and her family

01:02:04.280 and a judge

01:02:04.640 from his family

01:02:05.160 right

01:02:05.420 so it's as if

01:02:07.420 it's the community initiative

01:02:08.600 the community should

01:02:09.260 take the initiative

01:02:09.780 to save the family

01:02:10.940 the marriage

01:02:12.140 the community is destroying

01:02:12.920 the community is destroying

01:02:14.120 yeah

01:02:14.880 so I was going to say

01:02:16.460 like in terms of

01:02:17.540 this marriage counselling

01:02:18.400 and stuff

01:02:18.820 like to what

01:02:20.280 do we have evidence

01:02:21.460 to show that it's effective

01:02:22.400 well a lot of people

01:02:23.960 don't opt for it

01:02:24.700 that's the problem

01:02:25.380 you don't even know

01:02:26.300 we don't have enough results

01:02:27.580 because a lot of people

01:02:28.420 it's whatever try

01:02:28.900 kind of thing

01:02:29.400 yeah

01:02:29.700 100%

01:02:30.500 100%

01:02:31.520 because I feel like

01:02:32.380 if you've got that

01:02:33.460 to the end of the marriage

01:02:34.700 where you're both just

01:02:35.620 disagreeing on everything

01:02:37.260 and it's got physical

01:02:38.180 some people are fighting

01:02:39.120 physically

01:02:39.760 people are fighting

01:02:40.820 over the kids

01:02:41.500 kids are seeing this

01:02:42.840 and one of the spouses

01:02:44.640 say let's get counselling

01:02:45.900 let's get therapy

01:02:46.640 we can't communicate

01:02:47.880 we can't cooperate

01:02:48.880 let's get help

01:02:49.980 from the outside

01:02:50.520 whether it's imam

01:02:51.400 or professional

01:02:52.380 from the prophets

01:02:53.480 there was a famous hadith

01:02:55.700 where it's not counselling

01:02:57.500 but it's kind of like

01:02:58.340 arbitration

01:02:58.900 yeah

01:02:59.680 arbitration

01:03:00.180 well no

01:03:01.400 it's Aisha

01:03:01.980 the prophet

01:03:02.860 had an argument

01:03:03.720 and then afterwards

01:03:05.560 they said

01:03:06.500 let's bring a

01:03:07.160 third party

01:03:09.000 to sort it out

01:03:09.720 so they started

01:03:11.480 rattling off names

01:03:12.360 and like

01:03:13.740 the prophet

01:03:14.240 she was like

01:03:14.980 no no

01:03:15.280 he's going to take

01:03:15.780 your side too much

01:03:16.540 etc

01:03:16.880 so they came to

01:03:18.000 the conclusion

01:03:18.420 that it's going to be

01:03:19.060 like

01:03:19.380 Abu Bakr

01:03:19.880 is a dick

01:03:20.260 yeah

01:03:20.560 you know this

01:03:21.780 what

01:03:22.960 I'm

01:03:23.320 Mishadid

01:03:24.000 I'll let you

01:03:26.740 finish the

01:03:27.220 I'll let you

01:03:32.540 finish the

01:03:32.980 okay fine

01:03:33.540 anyway

01:03:34.360 what happened

01:03:34.980 was

01:03:35.400 yeah

01:03:35.740 so Abu Bakr

01:03:36.720 came to the

01:03:37.600 house

01:03:37.820 yeah

01:03:38.040 and then

01:03:39.060 when he came

01:03:39.580 in

01:03:39.840 as soon as

01:03:40.980 Aisha started

01:03:41.540 complaining about

01:03:42.180 the prophet

01:03:42.520 he went mad

01:03:43.740 he started like

01:03:44.700 lashing out

01:03:45.280 and stuff like

01:03:45.740 that

01:03:45.960 and so

01:03:47.160 obviously

01:03:48.300 the prophet

01:03:48.860 told him to

01:03:49.620 leave

01:03:49.820 because

01:03:50.840 he brought

01:03:51.620 he brought

01:03:52.980 over

01:03:53.160 to solve

01:03:55.040 the situation

01:03:55.560 not to make

01:03:55.920 it worse

01:03:56.180 so he was

01:03:57.640 making it worse

01:03:58.320 but when he

01:03:59.580 left

01:03:59.940 the prophet

01:04:01.060 said look

01:04:01.780 you see how

01:04:02.240 I got him

01:04:02.600 out of there

01:04:02.920 you know

01:04:03.340 I got him

01:04:03.700 out of there

01:04:04.020 you know

01:04:04.280 and then

01:04:04.980 Abu Bakr

01:04:05.200 came back

01:04:06.140 and said

01:04:06.480 that

01:04:06.700 so you

01:04:07.180 call me

01:04:07.540 over in

01:04:07.880 times of

01:04:08.200 peace

01:04:08.360 but you

01:04:08.580 don't

01:04:08.740 call me

01:04:09.040 you call

01:04:10.120 me over

01:04:10.420 in

01:04:10.540 times of

01:04:10.860 war

01:04:11.020 but you

01:04:11.200 don't

01:04:11.320 call me

01:04:11.580 over

01:04:11.680 in

01:04:11.780 times of

01:04:12.080 peace

01:04:12.340 the point

01:04:13.160 being

01:04:13.340 is

01:04:13.480 just

01:04:13.660 use

01:04:13.920 the

01:04:14.100 negative

01:04:14.700 outcome

01:04:15.480 no no

01:04:15.700 I'm

01:04:15.880 not saying

01:04:16.160 that's

01:04:16.280 negative

01:04:16.500 I'm

01:04:16.880 saying

01:04:17.060 that

01:04:17.240 proves

01:04:17.700 your

01:04:17.820 point

01:04:18.000 in a

01:04:18.200 sense

01:04:18.340 that

01:04:18.500 it's

01:04:18.640 good

01:04:18.820 to

01:04:18.960 bring

01:04:19.100 a third

01:04:19.360 party

01:04:21.620 into the

01:04:23.600 mix

01:04:23.820 what was

01:04:24.400 the end

01:04:24.620 result

01:04:24.920 of that

01:04:25.380 hadith

01:04:25.980 what

01:04:26.400 happened

01:04:26.720 he wasn't

01:04:29.180 effectual

01:04:30.020 it was

01:04:30.320 better for

01:04:30.680 them

01:04:30.860 in that

01:04:31.300 situation

01:04:31.780 to solve

01:04:32.540 it by

01:04:32.740 themselves

01:04:33.100 and then

01:04:33.820 he brought

01:04:34.160 them back

01:04:34.500 in

01:04:34.880 I'm just

01:04:35.140 saying

01:04:35.280 it can

01:04:35.740 work

01:04:36.060 for some

01:04:36.400 people

01:04:36.560 that's an

01:04:37.220 ideal scenario

01:04:38.020 because some

01:04:40.260 people actually

01:04:40.640 go to marriage

01:04:41.200 counselling

01:04:41.560 and then

01:04:42.520 just one

01:04:42.980 session

01:04:43.360 they start

01:04:44.220 to communicate

01:04:44.600 better

01:04:45.040 and then

01:04:45.580 they're like

01:04:45.800 you know

01:04:46.000 actually

01:04:46.340 we can

01:04:47.220 reason

01:04:47.500 with each

01:04:47.860 other

01:04:48.020 you know

01:04:48.440 what

01:04:48.640 it's like

01:04:51.060 antibiotics

01:04:51.740 you have to

01:04:52.260 take the

01:04:52.560 full course

01:04:53.060 some people

01:04:53.620 just go for

01:04:54.580 one session

01:04:55.240 think we've

01:04:55.980 learned

01:04:56.180 everything

01:04:56.560 now

01:04:56.820 it's true

01:04:57.700 but you know

01:04:58.680 what

01:04:58.820 Muslim

01:04:59.180 counsellor

01:04:59.660 definitely

01:05:00.060 helped

01:05:00.260 sorry

01:05:00.620 I have to

01:05:01.980 add

01:05:02.200 when we

01:05:03.520 talk about

01:05:03.940 counselling

01:05:04.380 as well

01:05:04.840 it's got

01:05:05.560 to come

01:05:05.860 from both

01:05:06.240 sides

01:05:06.580 it's got

01:05:07.660 to be

01:05:07.840 agreeable

01:05:08.420 like you

01:05:09.180 have

01:05:09.460 a lot

01:05:10.060 of times

01:05:10.420 women

01:05:10.760 going to

01:05:11.260 the

01:05:11.400 counsellor

01:05:11.820 okay

01:05:12.120 because

01:05:12.500 women are

01:05:13.160 women

01:05:13.400 and we're

01:05:13.760 always

01:05:14.080 crying

01:05:14.520 and moaning

01:05:14.920 okay

01:05:15.220 we try

01:05:16.440 it's actually

01:05:18.760 the study

01:05:19.060 that showed

01:05:19.360 that 60

01:05:19.740 to 75

01:05:20.160 and we

01:05:20.620 are the

01:05:20.900 compromisers

01:05:21.720 we are the

01:05:22.320 compromisers

01:05:22.860 right

01:05:23.060 true

01:05:23.400 you guys

01:05:24.180 are the

01:05:24.380 compromisers

01:05:24.840 we're the

01:05:25.260 compromisers

01:05:25.960 as we should

01:05:26.600 be

01:05:26.800 who were

01:05:27.120 created

01:05:27.300 to compromise

01:05:27.920 so it's

01:05:29.180 always the

01:05:29.520 woman going

01:05:29.920 and no

01:05:31.180 offence

01:05:31.980 to the

01:05:32.200 guys

01:05:32.500 but most

01:05:33.360 of the

01:05:33.540 time

01:05:33.840 the men

01:05:34.440 do not

01:05:35.220 want to

01:05:35.480 go to

01:05:35.840 this

01:05:36.140 because

01:05:37.440 I don't

01:05:37.940 know why

01:05:38.300 you have

01:05:38.680 to answer

01:05:38.940 that

01:05:39.180 counselling

01:05:40.060 that's

01:05:41.760 actually

01:05:41.960 very true

01:05:42.440 you know

01:05:42.700 we call

01:05:43.040 up the

01:05:43.260 brothers

01:05:43.480 my question

01:05:44.200 to the

01:05:44.540 brothers

01:05:44.780 why do

01:05:45.920 you not

01:05:46.240 want to

01:05:46.520 go if

01:05:46.820 you want

01:05:47.020 to save

01:05:47.240 your

01:05:47.380 marriage

01:05:47.720 why would

01:05:48.180 you not

01:05:48.400 it's to

01:05:50.520 save your

01:05:50.880 marriage

01:05:51.380 okay can

01:05:52.580 I answer

01:05:53.660 your question

01:05:54.460 yes please

01:05:55.060 sister

01:05:55.260 we're going

01:05:55.740 to end

01:05:56.000 we've got

01:05:56.220 five minutes

01:05:56.600 about does

01:05:58.200 counselling

01:05:58.600 really work

01:05:59.240 now if you

01:05:59.980 have an

01:06:00.260 understanding

01:06:00.700 of counselling

01:06:01.580 if you have

01:06:03.140 an understanding

01:06:03.820 of counselling

01:06:05.820 you won't be

01:06:06.840 saying that

01:06:07.540 why

01:06:07.920 because the

01:06:09.140 thing is

01:06:09.760 when you go

01:06:10.300 to a counsellor

01:06:10.960 the first thing

01:06:11.500 as a muslim

01:06:12.600 counsellor

01:06:13.060 the first thing

01:06:13.540 I ask is

01:06:14.040 do you pray

01:06:14.900 salah

01:06:15.160 what is your

01:06:15.860 relationship

01:06:16.360 yes

01:06:16.660 are you on

01:06:17.760 the

01:06:17.860 you do

01:06:18.100 that

01:06:18.240 sister

01:06:18.440 yes

01:06:18.800 are you on

01:06:19.500 me

01:06:19.600 because your

01:06:21.280 relationship

01:06:22.000 and you know

01:06:23.240 with Allah

01:06:23.720 swanahu wa ta'ala

01:06:24.400 that is

01:06:25.360 priority

01:06:25.940 that is

01:06:26.340 priority

01:06:26.740 because okay

01:06:28.020 between two

01:06:28.640 people who is

01:06:29.260 the third

01:06:29.660 shaitan

01:06:30.460 shaitan is

01:06:31.140 there to

01:06:31.860 break your

01:06:32.280 marriage

01:06:32.580 he will

01:06:33.120 whisper to

01:06:33.640 the you know

01:06:34.340 wasswasa to

01:06:34.980 the wife

01:06:35.460 and wasswasa to

01:06:36.220 the husband

01:06:36.640 she's not

01:06:38.160 worth it

01:06:38.500 you can do

01:06:38.880 better

01:06:39.180 especially now

01:06:39.740 with Facebook

01:06:40.460 and social

01:06:41.480 media

01:06:41.900 it's easy

01:06:42.880 you just

01:06:43.260 go click

01:06:43.900 off

01:06:44.140 and that's

01:06:44.520 okay

01:06:44.940 okay

01:06:46.180 but then

01:06:48.760 you know

01:06:49.440 same goes

01:06:50.120 with the

01:06:50.900 sisters

01:06:51.180 they're flicking

01:06:51.700 through Facebook

01:06:52.340 and Instagram

01:06:53.460 everything

01:06:53.980 you know

01:06:54.580 this brother

01:06:55.140 is practicing

01:06:55.800 my husband's

01:06:56.520 not

01:06:56.680 this brother

01:06:57.360 prays five

01:06:58.140 times a day

01:06:58.640 you know

01:06:58.980 all these

01:06:59.560 kind of

01:06:59.880 things

01:07:00.040 so that

01:07:00.760 is the

01:07:01.060 first thing

01:07:01.600 that you

01:07:02.960 know

01:07:03.160 is fixed

01:07:04.280 so start

01:07:05.500 praying your

01:07:05.920 salah

01:07:06.640 you know

01:07:07.100 make that

01:07:08.260 solid

01:07:08.820 and then

01:07:09.440 we go

01:07:09.860 on to

01:07:10.260 self-reflection

01:07:11.320 now

01:07:12.380 why do

01:07:13.060 marriages

01:07:13.400 fail

01:07:13.820 because

01:07:14.440 we're

01:07:14.820 attacking

01:07:15.260 each other

01:07:15.900 we're not

01:07:16.680 reflecting

01:07:17.180 on ourselves

01:07:17.860 so

01:07:18.360 a counsellor

01:07:20.120 or a therapist

01:07:20.800 will teach

01:07:22.060 you the

01:07:22.760 frameworks

01:07:23.420 for example

01:07:25.400 another thing

01:07:26.560 about a counsellor

01:07:28.520 is by

01:07:28.900 definition

01:07:29.520 a counsellor

01:07:30.140 is not

01:07:30.420 supposed to

01:07:30.820 necessarily

01:07:31.260 tell you

01:07:31.740 what to

01:07:32.040 do

01:07:32.220 and they're

01:07:32.960 not supposed

01:07:33.240 to judge

01:07:33.660 they're supposed

01:07:34.260 to guide

01:07:34.780 you

01:07:35.060 they're supposed

01:07:35.500 to help

01:07:35.960 you reach

01:07:36.740 your own

01:07:37.020 conclusion

01:07:37.440 and I've

01:07:38.120 seen this

01:07:38.440 a lot

01:07:38.660 with counsellors

01:07:39.300 unfortunately

01:07:39.720 they're not

01:07:40.100 following this

01:07:40.800 golden rule

01:07:41.400 and the thing

01:07:42.420 is and a lot

01:07:43.420 of brothers

01:07:43.740 have complained

01:07:44.420 saying you

01:07:45.040 know we go

01:07:45.460 to this

01:07:45.780 counsellor

01:07:46.300 they're siding

01:07:47.180 with the

01:07:47.520 missus

01:07:48.080 or you

01:07:48.780 know

01:07:48.980 like this

01:07:49.840 or like that

01:07:50.280 so the golden

01:07:51.880 rule here

01:07:52.480 yeah so that's

01:07:54.240 the thing

01:07:54.600 sometimes one

01:07:55.980 session is done

01:07:56.720 and then that

01:07:57.300 session is skewed

01:07:58.700 they're not

01:07:59.360 following the

01:08:00.060 golden rule

01:08:00.660 they're not

01:08:01.000 following ethics

01:08:02.000 and because

01:08:03.040 of that

01:08:03.360 people may

01:08:05.260 cancel that

01:08:06.220 but also

01:08:06.820 a man feels

01:08:08.360 that he's in

01:08:08.980 charge of his

01:08:09.480 relationship

01:08:09.980 and he feels

01:08:11.280 that it's a sign

01:08:11.940 of weakness

01:08:12.440 to give control

01:08:13.600 to somebody else

01:08:15.300 so again

01:08:16.580 this is something

01:08:18.320 that I think

01:08:19.080 it's a niche

01:08:20.520 it's something

01:08:21.540 that's missing

01:08:22.100 within our community

01:08:23.000 that we have

01:08:23.580 good counsel

01:08:24.040 I mean unfortunately

01:08:24.980 and sadly

01:08:25.400 that's why

01:08:25.820 you've got people

01:08:26.380 like Jordan Peterson

01:08:27.100 that have taken

01:08:27.640 advantage of this

01:08:28.480 and if we think

01:08:29.740 of a comparison

01:08:31.040 in the Muslim

01:08:31.580 community

01:08:32.000 I don't think

01:08:32.700 there's anybody

01:08:33.340 that's as charismatic

01:08:34.560 that speaks

01:08:35.760 well he's up and

01:08:36.720 coming you know

01:08:37.300 yeah yeah yeah

01:08:38.120 watch this face

01:08:38.940 watch this face

01:08:39.880 I'm making

01:08:40.480 calm over

01:08:42.540 okay can I just

01:08:43.800 touch on

01:08:44.300 can I just

01:08:44.840 touch on what

01:08:45.300 brother Zishan

01:08:47.000 said there

01:08:47.500 that brothers

01:08:48.800 are going to

01:08:49.300 counsellors

01:08:49.920 judging by what

01:08:51.440 brother Zishan

01:08:52.880 just said

01:08:53.780 they're not

01:08:54.980 counsellors

01:08:55.540 they can't be

01:08:56.820 counsellors if

01:08:57.380 they're putting

01:08:57.680 their own bias

01:08:58.340 thoughts and

01:08:58.960 belief system

01:08:59.680 into guiding

01:09:01.360 someone else

01:09:02.020 you can't do

01:09:02.700 that as a

01:09:03.160 counsellor

01:09:03.560 psychologist

01:09:04.140 or you can't

01:09:05.180 do that

01:09:05.460 okay all right

01:09:06.740 maybe I'm not

01:09:08.360 saying you know

01:09:08.900 I can't say

01:09:09.400 anything

01:09:09.740 one second

01:09:10.480 no no

01:09:11.080 okay guys

01:09:11.820 in a nutshell

01:09:12.200 we need to

01:09:12.480 wrap this up

01:09:12.820 because it

01:09:13.040 went for quite

01:09:13.440 a bit

01:09:13.700 I think it

01:09:14.380 was very

01:09:14.640 very interesting

01:09:15.140 alhamdulillah

01:09:15.600 may Allah bless

01:09:16.100 you guys

01:09:16.460 and like we

01:09:17.220 said before

01:09:17.520 guys the

01:09:17.940 solution is in

01:09:18.460 the Quran

01:09:18.700 and the sunnah

01:09:19.140 and of course

01:09:19.780 the psychiatrist

01:09:20.280 and the marriage

01:09:21.220 counsellors etc

01:09:21.760 then go to that

01:09:23.240 but please

01:09:23.680 please start

01:09:24.220 within

01:09:24.540 start with that

01:09:25.260 inshallah

01:09:25.580 and hope you

01:09:26.420 guys benefited

01:09:26.860 from this episode

01:09:27.640 inshallah

01:09:27.940 and work on

01:09:28.160 yourselves as

01:09:28.780 well

01:09:28.900 work on

01:09:29.200 yourselves as

01:09:29.600 well

01:09:29.760 till next time

01:09:32.620 from the

01:09:32.840 bitter truth

01:09:33.260 with amazing

01:09:34.080 guests

01:09:34.380 our honourable

01:09:35.060 sisters

01:09:35.300 may Allah bless

01:09:35.760 them inshallah

01:09:36.200 assalamualaikum

01:09:37.320 wa rahmatullahi

01:09:37.920 wa barakatuh

01:09:38.480 the prophet

01:09:39.360 said whoever

01:09:41.040 builds a

01:09:41.700 masjid for

01:09:42.100 the sake

01:09:42.400 of Allah

01:09:42.720 Allah

01:09:43.140 will build

01:09:44.580 for him

01:09:45.260 a similar

01:09:46.020 house in

01:09:46.740 Jannah

01:09:47.060 on that

01:09:47.920 day where

01:09:48.460 Allah

01:09:48.680 tells us

01:09:49.840 that our

01:09:50.340 books will

01:09:50.700 be given

01:09:51.080 and every

01:09:52.160 little

01:09:52.680 atom weight

01:09:53.400 of good

01:09:53.700 deed

01:09:53.860 you've done

01:09:54.240 will be

01:09:54.840 there

01:09:55.080 and imagine

01:09:56.020 you see

01:09:56.460 a mountain

01:09:57.080 and you're

01:09:57.800 like what

01:09:58.160 a lucky

01:09:58.540 person

01:09:58.960 which

01:09:59.560 righteous

01:09:59.980 person

01:10:00.500 and Allah

01:10:01.600 says this

01:10:02.020 is for

01:10:02.340 you

01:10:02.600 for me

01:10:03.280 yes

01:10:03.980 what did

01:10:04.620 I do

01:10:05.020 you

01:10:06.020 allow people

01:10:06.660 to pray

01:10:07.120 you built

01:10:07.700 a masjid

01:10:08.160 I never

01:10:08.660 had the

01:10:08.860 money

01:10:08.980 to build

01:10:09.220 a masjid

01:10:09.580 of Allah

01:10:09.880 you helped

01:10:11.240 you gave

01:10:11.960 towards it

01:10:12.440 and Allah

01:10:12.820 gives you

01:10:13.120 the reward

01:10:13.580 of as if

01:10:14.240 you've

01:10:14.480 built it

01:10:14.920 donate now

01:10:15.940 guys

01:10:16.240 and do

01:10:16.580 not delay

01:10:16.980 and share

01:10:17.800 the video

01:10:18.200 for extra

01:10:18.740 rewards

Ali Dawah - November 21, 2023

DIVORCE PANDEMIC!! WHAT'S THE CAUSE？ - EP 17 ｜｜ BITTER TRUTH SHOW

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