In this episode, we talk about a situation where a mother cuts her children off from their father because he was accused of child molestation, and how this affected her relationship with her children. We also talk about the role of a father in raising his children, and the impact this has on their relationship with their father.
00:14:58.720And once we got divorced, I knew, regardless of how I felt, what my children needed, and that was him, regardless.
00:15:07.640And I knew, also from my faith, what was his right, and I could not take that away from him.
00:15:13.200And the only problem here is a lot of women that now I coach, they are very scorned and they're bitter.
00:15:18.620And they do want to take it out on the other person when I'm like, you know what, you're hurting your child, more importantly.
00:15:25.880So I feel that, you know, me, I'm very blessed and I'm very lucky because even now my ex and I co-parent extremely well.
00:15:32.540We have an amazing relationship, regardless of how we ended, because I make sure that he is involved with the kids, not because of me, but because of them.
00:15:41.060And I had to put myself aside no matter what I felt.
00:15:44.600And now we have such an amazing dynamic, probably better than most people that are even married, because I created that.
00:15:50.340Because firstly, I had to think about what was my responsibility as a mother for my two boys and what they needed.
00:15:57.520And even though the father at the time was also like not happy about, you know, the situation as to being separated and, you know, not being there emotionally, I pulled him towards them.
00:16:10.460I pulled him towards them and I pulled them towards him when they felt even uncomfortable, because I knew that that's what I had to build.
00:16:17.700And when I have clients now that go through this, I'm like, forget your feelings because the relationship is done.
00:16:24.140But what's important and you have to take responsibility is those children, Islamically and psychologically.
00:16:30.860They're the ones that's going to suffer because you can move on even to a second wife or a husband or whatever, but they have to come first.
00:16:38.160And that's generational what they're going to go through.
00:16:40.940So I really do come on really strong on women as well, because when a woman is scorned, they don't see nothing.
00:16:46.780And I'm the first one to call them out to say, you know what?
00:16:49.060You need to stand back and you need to realize that no matter what that person did to you, even if it was abuse, you have to do it in the proper way.
00:16:57.240But he still has some sort of access if it's through the courts, whether it's like through, you know, some sort of like access through, you know, what's it called?
00:17:07.520So basically, you know, you have to do something where it's like, you know, a sort of a medium that's there, but they still need that.
00:17:14.240So I really am passionate about this topic and I am successful with my coaching because I had to do it myself for my home.
00:17:21.820And if I wasn't on point with my ex, with my children and mashallah, you know, they are so good with their mindset, having both of us and having the best of both worlds, because even though it was difficult for me to deal with, it was something that I had to do.
00:17:36.600And yes, OK, he did not get married again.
00:17:56.740We want to be to get back and all of these things.
00:17:59.260And it really does not serve anyone, least of all your children.
00:18:02.300So I'm thinking that, you know, hopefully with this podcast and people always, you know, assume the way I speak as well is from my own experience, but they don't know my experience.
00:18:10.660My experience is actually quite unique.
00:18:12.300And the reason why I talk in certain ways, which is maybe controversial, is because I hear so many case studies every single day from so many different people.
00:18:19.820So I'm the voice of the voiceless, even if it's not my scenario, if it's not my situation.
00:18:38.740I mean, in this show, may Allah bless Sister Fahima.
00:18:42.000You know, sometimes people, I look at the comment section and they say, you know, sometimes, I want to say they don't like you.
00:18:46.760May Allah bless you, you know, like there's contributions you do.
00:18:49.820But I mean, I have to put, I mean, I have to salute you.
00:18:52.660And it's to me, it's something to be admired.
00:18:55.820Like what you just said there, I was like, wow.
00:18:58.880It's absolutely refreshing for us to hear that as well.
00:19:01.360You know, exactly what you've kind of pitched out, you actually nailed it.
00:19:07.200Because that's the person you're hurting the most, is the child.
00:19:11.220When a child's not having access to their, you know, there's studies that show that actually single parent homes, you know, children tend to go off the rails.
00:19:18.320You know, and when they grow up, they grow with sort of anxieties and issues, which is problematic.
00:19:24.660And that's, you know, that's what we've got to tackle here.
00:19:28.620Because what we're doing here through this, when we're going down this particular path, making father not see, there are some mothers that don't get to see their children as well.
00:20:02.020But even after, we've got so many cases where when brothers do get access, like, you've fought through court, you think, right, I've come to the end of it.
00:20:09.680Let the peace and just the happiness begin for the kids and that.
00:20:16.020And you're just like, as Brother Matthew was saying, you know, then she's not turning up, then you've got to do C79 application, you've got to go to court, this, that, you know, don't do it again, dear.
00:21:01.080And when you hold yourself back in that way, subhanAllah, so many opportunities and things come to you because of you, you know, lowering yourself.
00:21:08.280Of course, when there's abuse and things like that, you go through the specific ways of, you know, dealing with that.
00:22:43.960And when you have that amanah, you have to know how to deal with it.
00:22:47.700And you have to understand that it's a huge responsibility.
00:22:51.200And if you take your children, especially in your case and your situation, my father, Allah Rahmah, used to say one lie can cause two countries to go to war.
00:23:04.780So if a woman can lie and say you did this or you did that, you have to understand what you're doing.
00:23:12.680And our kids, it has to start from young.
00:23:15.380We have to stop our children from lying, understanding that lies can really affect, even with girls, and stop putting such fragilities on women.
00:23:26.800Because they can be, you know, very much, they can do these things.
00:26:28.180It was about how I felt towards him that I was inflicting onto my child.
00:26:33.240And we don't realize that because a mother's love for her child is irreplaceable.
00:26:39.860And she will go beyond all measures to protect and love that child.
00:26:42.920But often when we come out of a toxic relationship, whatever the reason may be, we label that man as he is now unfit to not only be part of my life, but also the child who is basically my life.
00:26:58.120And we then will do whatever it takes, hence the accusations, the lies, the fighting, not realizing that this protection that we're giving the child is actually toxic.
00:27:10.940And even though it comes from a place of goodness, because a mother's love isn't bad, it's still a negative.
00:27:18.880And it takes a lot for a woman to recognize that this is no longer about my child, or maybe it never has been about my child, but rather is about me and how I feel towards my ex-husband.
00:27:29.780And when a woman gets divorced, she's unfortunately shamed.
00:27:34.640And a lot of the time she is blamed that it's her fault the marriage broke down.
00:27:38.920So we often think, he gave me the divorce, or even if I initiate the divorce and we went ahead with it, it's still his fault.
00:27:47.320Because nobody wants to take accountability, especially women, we struggle.
00:28:19.580But again, that comes back to having that toxic mentality.
00:28:21.940And I think when a woman starts to become aware of her emotions and is able to differentiate what is her experience, what is her emotions, and what is the child's experience and emotions.
00:28:32.540She's been able to create that boundary and that line to safeguard the child, but allow the child to have that relationship with the father.
00:28:41.200And it's taken me, I don't know, four years to figure this out.
00:29:01.100So what first made you, because you said, there was a moment where you said you don't want your child to be involved in your ex-partner's life.
00:29:11.720It was fear that my son was going to grow up to become like him.
00:29:14.860The man who hurt me, the man who ruined my life, the man who abused me, the one who disrespected me, the one who took advantage of my kindness, of my love.
00:29:23.280It was fear that my son was going to become like him.
00:29:26.000And because as, you know, fathers, we want, you know, our sons to become like us, and they should, because that masculinity that comes from a man can only come from a father.
00:29:36.860A woman can never give that, no matter how much we try.
00:29:38.920We can never fulfil the role of a father.
00:29:42.060But when there is fear that he's going to become like the man who I absolutely despise, because now we've labelled it as he's the one that ruined my life, but I would then actually know it takes two hands to clap.
00:31:04.720At least tomorrow, it won't be because of me.
00:31:06.460Or, you know, I look around, and some of my friends or just people that I know, their son will be, like, approaching teenage years, and she will say something like, I wish I had not stopped them from seeing each other.
00:31:36.720They're humans with emotions and with rights.
00:31:41.580Sorry to cut, but although this, you know, like, I appreciate your situation, and I think that it's good that you've come to that conclusion to allow your son to see your child.
00:31:53.640But men are not angels as well in this situation.
00:31:57.760And, of course, I'm very much on the side of women should allow their children to see their fathers.
00:32:03.880But there are situations where the men use the children as ammunition against the mother as well.
00:32:13.560Like, for example, if we're talking about a father who is dangerous to his children, and you've been falsely accused of these things, you know, but if a father is a danger, nobody's saying, you know, the Sharia would not even allow that to happen.
00:32:55.360Okay, the Sharia, I understand that, but the thing is, I was speaking, I can remember about a year and a half ago, some sister, I think she's a student of knowledge, she contacted me.
00:33:04.440I think she wanted to invite me to some talk or something.
00:34:45.820And also, NSPCC, if we look at statistics, I'm not blaming sister here, women tend to, women are the ones that usually actually end up not like hitting their kids.
00:35:56.840So, basically, what that means is that it can be that they die, or it can be that they go into a specific path, yeah.
00:36:02.260So, once again, I'm not asking anyone, like, when we're talking about beat, yeah, I hope you get the gist, yeah.
00:36:05.820Yeah, that's interesting, because the sharia came to, like, protect five things, which is the lineage, the religion, the aql, the wealth, and the health.
00:36:13.460And if you look at any of these five categories, there's a capital punishment in all of them, yeah.