FINDING MY EX GIRLFRIEND - S1-EP01 ｜｜ MARRIAGE DOCUMENTARY
Episode Stats
Summary
In this first episode of the Marriage Documentary, I talk about my personal life and how I came to realize that I was meant to be in a relationship with my wife. I also talk about the trials and tribulations that I went through in my five-year relationship and how it all led me to find my partner.
Transcript
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Welcome to the Marriage Documentary episode 1 guys.
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I want to thank our sponsors because without them this would have not happened.
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Allah created Adam knowing very well that he'll be incomplete without a partner. He willed that
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his very partner he seeks will come from no other than within himself. With it comes joy, happiness
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and prosperity. But shaitan is always lurking to destroy. For everyone who's busy trying to find
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a soulmate, sometimes you have to find yourself before you can find your other half. Allah says in
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the Quran, when the test of sihr was sent by Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala through the angels, they were told
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not to use it and become disbelievers. Allah says in the Quran in Surah Bakara verse 102,
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and yet they learn from them that by which they have caused separation between man and his wife.
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But they do not harm anyone through it except by the permission of Allah. What I'm about to share
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with you will change your whole outlook on seeking marriage and marriage in itself for the rest of
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your life. For the first time ever, I will be talking about my personal life. From my five-year
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haram relationship, to coming to Islam, to seeking marriage, and to all the nightmares I lived through
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and the very moment I met my wife. You're about to see a side of me that you never witnessed before.
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I love you, I love you the most. I just want, I just want you to know. You gave me the love I always need.
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My heart will always be your home. I'll be there forever and ever. Wrapped up in endless love.
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X-Max the spot, you're my treasure. Can't thank the Lord enough.
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You are my angel, my superhero. Forever I'm grateful. Always a part of me.
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You are my heartbeat, beating away every day. You could always be my queen.
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No one can take, take your place. You told me love took away pain. You are the sun behind the rain.
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You are my heartbeat, beating away every day. Every day.
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The sound is rolling and when you guys are ready you can start.
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I'm not too bad. So please tell me, what should I call you? What's your name?
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You can refer to me as Ali. That's not my real name.
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So tell me a little bit about yourself and what brings you here today to talk to me.
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Okay, so let me tell you a bit about myself. So I come from a Kurdish-Turkish family.
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I was born in Turkey. I came to England when I was one years old. My dad used to be in the army.
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My mum was a traditional housewife. My mum has about seven sisters and one brother.
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The plan was to move to England and they did that but I think for some reason I had to be left behind with my dad.
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But basically my mum had to leave me behind which was very traumatic for her. So she came with my granddad here with the promise that my granddad would obviously immediately be bringing us.
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That didn't go to plan and I think I was about a year and obviously my mum was distressed and told my granddad, you know, look, I want my child here.
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You know, it's traumatic. My dad and I as a baby travelled to Germany and then from Germany to the UK.
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So just for my sort of knowledge, I just want to know what brings you here today in the session.
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Okay. These are things I'm actually very uncomfortable talking about but I want to talk about because I don't want to feel the way I feel.
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But as a young child I was exposed to things. I saw things that I didn't want to see and I'm talking at a very young age.
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This was basically my cousins coming together and him coming across something and showing us. I believe it deeply destroyed my soul.
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Being exposed to that at a very young age, that had a traumatic experience on the way I viewed the opposite gender.
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It dehumanised them. Simply to me I did not see them as a human being.
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Now obviously at a young age you don't really understand what you're watching and what kind of impact it can have on you.
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As you grow up and I can remember going to school. So when I was young I used to get into a lot of trouble.
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I can remember there used to be popular kids in my school. My best friend, he was actually a very good looking guy.
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He used to attract a lot of female attention. When I would look around and I would try to get the same, I wouldn't get the same.
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So I also had a problem with the way I looked. Even like the shape of my nose I'd be like oh my gosh.
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You know like it's just I had insecurities. I can remember as a young kid actually it's quite funny and it might be embarrassing.
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But I can remember actually like this part of my nose I used to be like push it down like okay I want my nose to be straight.
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So I can remember doing that to myself. I can remember very like clearly laying down in my bed and be like okay you know I need to look a certain way.
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You know be it facial features or beard or moustache, whatever it may be. I wanted to be like the cool kids.
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But what it did is it made me want to become something that I did not want to be.
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And that is where I got involved in gangs because I wanted to make a reputation for myself.
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I wanted to be someone which I believe maybe to this day I have the remnants of the trauma.
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Turkish gangs control 90% of London's heroin market. This brings them into conflict with other foreign gangs which has led to violence in the capital.
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There are also internal conflicts between Turkish gangs which stem from a 30 year civil war back in Turkey.
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The country has been split by conflict between its Turkish and Kurdish populations.
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And this violence has also spilled out onto the streets of London.
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I started getting into fights, getting kicked out of school and I just wanted to be popular with the girls.
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And from there I started to grow a bit of a hatred towards women because when I realised that they don't give me the attention that I want I started hating them.
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In your mind how would you identify the trauma that you experienced?
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It's hard for us to approach a female. To get the courage to do that and be rejected can be quite, I mean not many people understand that because as a young woman at that age you have attention given to left right centre.
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Men use the image of female perfection to motivate themselves.
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I think modern women don't really understand about men.
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They don't understand that at least to the degree that males are uncorrupted and not better because of being rejected.
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They're doing everything they can to kneel before the eternal image of the feminine.
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There was this specific girl that I found a liking to.
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I would open up to her to not to receive the same liking. It was quite devastating.
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So these thoughts that you had, do you feel that that was just your own or did you share
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it with your peers? Did you feel that you were influenced? Because what you're saying might
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sound general, but it is quite an individual thought because somebody else in a similar
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Well, another issue as men we face is opening up. I can't go to my friend and be like,
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oh, by the way, I feel rejected and weak. So that's another issue.
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No. Not there was no one. There was someone, but I would not open up to anyone.
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I did. I made my own mind. And I looked for ways of achieving that. I was driven by anger.
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I was driven by rage and revenge. Like, to me, it was like, I'm going to seek revenge.
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So how did things unfold from that point onwards?
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You need to understand, like I said to you before, the content that I was exposed to.
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Wanting to be like someone I'm not. I can remember when I used to get kicked out of school.
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My dad used to have a business outside of London. He realised that I'm not listening to my mum.
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I'm getting into a lot of trouble, gangs, fighting, all this kind of stuff. And once I was walking
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down the road, I got caught with a knuckle duster. So that was my dad was like, look, I'm taking you.
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You're coming with me. So I went up north. That's where things had a U-turn for me.
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I went from a lifestyle of gangs, fighting, you know, being a hard kid to more like clubbing,
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partying. And it just went from one lifestyle to another. And what I realised there is I can
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remember I was at my house once and I was trying to grow a beard. So I would keep using a razor.
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So I wanted the manly features. But I didn't have the moustache. So I can remember I got a pen
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once, literally a marker. And I drew a moustache on myself. And I got my one of my friends to take
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a picture of me. When you're influenced by that, your family and your cousins and others
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are also influenced by that. So you also want to be the cool kid around them. So we would
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sometimes associate ourselves to certain gangs that were very well known, just so they were
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like, oh, you know, it's just the hype. So I can remember sending a picture to them from
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my mum. And it didn't look like it was drawn on. It was quite real. And I can remember
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my cousin, he's like, oh, my gosh, you look so handsome. Like, you've changed. And that
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to me was like as if someone just gave me the key to the whole world. I felt like, OK,
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in order, like when somebody wants to take revenge, arguments, if somebody wants to kill
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somebody, OK, what tools do I need to do the job? So to me, it's like, OK, I got the tool
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I need now. Do you think it was also frustration or at the same time, you wanted to be loved
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and get that attention as well? Yes, I did. Yes, I did want that attention. I wanted to
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be loved. So I wanted that and I was seeking that. When you come from London to a predominantly
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white area, you stick out like a sore thumb. That worked for my advantage. There was a lot
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of ethnic groups there as well. But I can remember going there, the way I dress, you know, a typical
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London, bad boy kind of look. When I was there, I would start going to the gym. So I realised
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the female attention towards myself grew exponentially. To me, I was just like, OK, like, this is where
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I want to be. And I loved every second of it. I'll be honest with you, I loved every second
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of it. Like, to me, it was just like, I'm in control. Like, you're not in control. Like,
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I'm in control now. And you actually did have relationships or not?
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I did. She was half Pakistani, half white. I came across her. And she was actually in
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a relationship already. But I noticed her liking. She showed signs. Certain signs females
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I didn't know she was in a relationship. I actually didn't know. And I found out later
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and I was a bit confused. The signs that I was reading was like, am I misreading it?
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I found out that she was in a relationship that she's not happy. I tried to pursue a relationship
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with her, which I did. And obviously, she was moving away from the person that she was
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with. I met her mum. I used to celebrate Christmas with them. I used to celebrate Easter with
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them. I was very close with them. Until this day, I have communication with them. I was in
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a relationship with her for about five years. She was older than me. I mean, she did everything
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for me. Everything. Like, pick me up, drop me to the gym, like, even if I just got clubbing,
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There wasn't any hate though, was it? There wasn't any revenge as you spoke about before?
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See, the thing is, not with her. It's like she was an exception. This is my girl. And
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That's another trauma that I kind of have. I hurt a lot of people. I didn't willingly do
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it. It's just like, to me, it's like I lived with that trauma. And when I look back, the
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way I treated her, I wasn't a bad person. I was never physical with her. But to me, it's
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a trauma in the context where I would psychologically do things. We could have even been classed as
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psychological abuse. I don't know why I did it. So to me, it's like I want to, I want
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redemption. I want forgiveness from the whole family because I made the whole family suffer.
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Yes, I have the accountability, but I don't just blame myself because, yes, I could have
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made wiser decisions, which I think was very, very difficult. But the thing is, I look at
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my society and the things I was exposed to, and sometimes I blame that because I'm like,
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There are stories in psychology as well about twin brothers being brought out by alcohol
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parents. And one will go on to be an alcoholic and the other one will choose not to. So again,
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is it really society? Is it really parents to blame? Or are we also, do we still have
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a type of control or will that we can drive ourselves regardless of society and environment?
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And that sort of thought gives you more power as an individual, knowing that there is that
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actual option out there. Otherwise, there's always going to be blame on something else and
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someone else. And you will always be, in a way, I wouldn't say weak, but influenced easily.
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Okay. So let's say I bear full responsibility. Okay. To an extent, I'll say. What do you or
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what would you suggest I do to get that redemption? I've contemplated finding her.
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When you talk about redemption, what exactly, because everyone needs to define what certain
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words mean? In your mind, what does it mean, redemption? Like having an inner peace, knowing.
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So it's to make you feel better about what happened in the past. Not just myself. Don't
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be selfish. Can you not just accept sometimes that we do wrong and this is how life is and we
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have to live with it. And it's like people want closure. What does that mean? Closure is just,
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it's gone. You don't need to go back to do certain things. And we can work in different ways
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to better ourselves and move forward. You understand? I want to make it better. I think
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that... But what if I told you, or anyone told you, you can't make it better. It's not about
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trying to make it better. It's about, again, acceptance and being better. Which I believe
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I've achieved. Yes, of course. I have achieved. But sometimes going back in the past, it might
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be okay for you, but for somebody else, it can even unravel the wounds that they want to
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forget and the hurt that they want to forget. If you want to go back again, you need to
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now not just be like how you were before and not just think about the impact that you're
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going to get, but the impact on the other person. True. But that's how I feel. So what
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should I do? Not many people understand redemption, but to me, to go there and find her and open
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up to her and tell her how sorry I am was the most important thing. But when I went there,
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I didn't find her. I met her mum. And this is how we went.
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Uncle, you've still got the... He's got the... Is that off lessons?
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Yeah. Same place, yeah? Yes, he's got that. Okay.
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He's only been on the phone a few minutes ago, actually. Really?
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I told him he'd come in. He said, make sure you get a picture and send it to me.
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Yeah, he's got good manners, I feel. We have got good manners.
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Yeah, definitely, you know. Like I said to him, I would say this, but I can't, I'll never
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forget what he's done for me. I can remember. Yeah, never, ever.
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Well, he was always comfortable with me, and he would stay at my house, and even if I was
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out, he would stay on the computer and I'm out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can remember.
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You know, and just spend some good times. Yeah, I can remember. Yeah, you like that,
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I like that. You gave me that feeling, you know, I can remember.
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I used to worry about you. You got underneath the subway, and he used to say to me sometimes,
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you're going to be my mother-in-law now. And sometimes I think back to those days.
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I do think back to those days. Yeah, yeah. Because, um, no, I should have ****.
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Shall I make some tea now? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How are you comfortable?
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Do you want some, do you want coffee, Ortiz? If you want, I could, like all day, should
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I make you tea, coffee? I used to, I'd be like, I'll make the tea.
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Make it something, whatever, like, let's make it together. Yeah.
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But that wasn't really enough, so I left that place. It didn't really do anything for me.
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Um, but then I went back a year after. And this time, when I went, I took my mum.
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Because mum knew the family. So I thought it would just be like a general visit.
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I'll just call my mum. And, because my mum, the parents knew each other.
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So they were pleasant. They, they, you know, it was, it was just like, okay, you know.
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We went. Um, the dad was there. Um, mum was there. My mum was there.
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We went. And she, she was kind of there as well. She was there. I, I opened up and I apologised.
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Personally wanted to come here to, um, apologise, if in any way, shape or form, in the past,
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if I've hurt you guys. Because I do look back and I do really regret a lot of things.
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Yeah. Well, I'm being honest. I look, I look back and I do not know who that was, what that was.
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And, and I just wanted to apologise. Because at the end of the day, I believe in the hereafter.
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And I believe after, you know, we cross the Serat, there's going to be a part between paradise.
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And everyone you've wronged will be there asking for their right.
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So, you know, be it yourself. You've done a lot for me as, as, you know,
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and I don't think I've repaid you in any way, shape or form at all.
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Neither of yourself, you know, you've played that role in my life.
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And I personally wanted to come down and, you know, just to see you guys as well,
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But please forgive me if I've in any way, shape or form hurt you guys.
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Well, I, I deeply regret it. And I genuinely, I was in the wrong place.
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We went, we had food, and then after food, I just told them the reason I came there.
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And I said, look, I've done things hurt you guys, and I want to apologise.
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I'm like, I'm really sorry. Like, I was, I was young, I was stupid.
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The dad was there, which was very, very awkward for me, because I couldn't be myself in the,
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like, I, I really wanted to express myself, but I couldn't. So the dad listened, and he's
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like, look, it's okay, son, you know, you're young. But I didn't feel like, it might sound
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selfish, but I didn't feel like I got a white one. Because when the dad was there, it was
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very, very hard for me to express myself comfortably. The perfect scenario for me would have been
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with her, like, face to face, or at least her mum, because I'm close to her mum, to just
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open up and be like, look, I'm really sorry, like, for the stuff that I've done, and the
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pain that I've caused. And just lay it off my chest. Like, like, literally, I just wanted
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to express myself fully, and be like, if this is...
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So what exactly did you say that that was different to what you just described now?
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Because before her dad was there, I couldn't express nothing. She was a
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just there quiet. Nothing said. Literally nothing.
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No, I did, but I apologised. I'm speaking to the dad. Like, I didn't hear nothing. I
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But you know in certain scenarios that's enough.
00:24:07.340
No, not for me. I couldn't get off my chest. I still, I felt like I came back with more
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burdens. I genuinely believe that if I go there, and I open up to her sincerely, and I
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express how sorry I am, that it would genuinely bring closure to her. That's how I feel. That's
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But do you not think revisiting constantly for your own satisfaction is more painful for
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her to revisit what was there as a constant reminder as well? What if she thinks that
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forgiveness, or asking for forgiveness, is not enough? I want to find out. How are you
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going to do that? By finding her. But you found her twice already. No, I didn't. I went there
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and she happened to be there. I want to speak to her. I want to directly find her on social
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media, and I want to message her at least. What is the whole purpose of this, by the way,
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Ali? I don't want people to make the same mistakes I did. I want to show them a glimpse of
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the lifestyle that I lived, be it the haram, all the way to Islam, and pursuing it in a
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halal way. To not go about things the wrong way. Because they don't leave you.
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What does your faith tell you about forgiveness, and how it should be done, and the aspects of
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it, and even going back into your past, and approaching someone like this? What is it that
00:25:23.340
you understand from that? I don't know. From what I understand is, if you've wronged
00:25:27.340
someone, you ask for forgiveness. To be honest, it's actually from principles of Islam
00:25:32.340
to understand that, if you know you're going to cause more harm, it's better that you don't.
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Because, like, backbiting, if I backbite someone, and I want to go and tell them
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I backbited you, that might cause more harm than good. So it's better that you go and,
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I don't know, speak good of him when he spoke bad of him. Give him sadaqah in his name.
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So in your scenario, what would be the best way forward according to your values and faith?
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I can't do that because she's a non-Muslim. So I can't even go down the route of,
00:26:00.340
okay, let me give sadaqah on our behalf, or let me make dua for her. I can't do that.
00:26:04.340
Because I can't do that, I'm looking for a channel of outlet.
00:26:07.340
Before I decide to do anything, and to pursue finding my ex, I had to speak to my mom.
00:26:13.340
So I headed to her house, and to have a heart-to-heart with her. If she would agree for me going ahead,
00:26:19.340
and finding her, and apologizing to her face-to-face, here is what she had to say.
00:26:25.340
Also to get with my bar. At the same time I was alone.
00:26:27.340
But anyway, after that I wanted to get to the group.
00:26:29.340
But once we went to a village, I couldn't believe we were there.
00:26:35.340
But I got the head of my daughter, like I was married myself...
00:26:48.340
You don't know what I'm doing from the abgeshte.
00:26:53.640
You haven't like doing that in Vek Jesse's way.
00:27:18.040
I have to get you that way, because if someone else has done you,
00:27:24.740
As my son, I'm going to forgive you and forgive me.
00:27:32.740
You can see how you see it, we can go together and go together.
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There is a replacement, which I will roughly cover, which I will easily cover.
00:32:10.740
But I realised she wrote it the other way around.
00:34:56.400
Okay, so firstly, we're going to go have a meeting with a young, I won't call them a couple, but two young individuals, Muslims, who want to marry each other.
00:35:14.440
And they're going for something similar that I went through, the documentary.
00:35:17.320
Later on the documentary, you'll realise the stuff that I went through when it comes to wanting to marry somebody, but the parents reject you based on your race.
00:35:28.200
So we're going to go and do an interview with them.
00:35:30.200
But before that, what I'm going to do is I'm going to call her.
00:35:33.300
So we're going to go and see what the issue is and see why the father is saying no.
00:36:08.460
When I don't talk about it with them, they keep thinking that I've forgotten about it.
00:36:13.940
So last night when I was talking to my mum, I was like, oh, everyone's doing nice to me.
00:36:18.360
Like, they're just being all of my auntie and stuff, they're being normal with me.
00:36:21.620
And my mum's like, yeah, because you're not doing it anymore.
00:36:24.980
So it's clear that they think it's a phase or it's like a jolt.
00:36:31.720
But, like, I'm still getting, like, kind of side eyes from people, especially my uncle.
00:36:38.780
But I spoke with my mum last night, and I was like, so, what's your issue with the guy?
00:36:47.860
And she was like, we don't care about anything else.
00:36:52.680
It's just the fact that you, how dare you bring a Hindu guy to us?
00:36:56.600
And how dare you bring a guy out of **** to us?
00:36:59.700
And I was like, even if we wait two years like you wanted us to wait, you're not going to...
00:37:05.340
Dad's never going to accept the guy who doesn't know.
00:37:08.780
But then, obviously, like, you know, I've got her to change her mind.
00:37:12.880
So I'm not going to sit here and think, my dad's never going to change his mind.
00:37:15.840
But it's just, it's so unlikely that he would change his mind every time to me.
00:37:27.220
I think what they're doing is, the first stage is usually that they try to see it as a phase.
00:37:34.500
It's just a matter of showing how committed you are and how badly you want this.
00:37:40.840
I mean, the worst case it will come to is, they will just say, you know what?
00:37:50.200
No, I think this is too early to make that absolute, like, they mean it.
00:38:06.880
That something that is permissible has become so hard.
00:38:11.240
And something that should be hard, which is, our own relationships and zina has been made so easy.
00:38:17.560
When parents are watching this, sometimes I understand your children are young.
00:38:25.840
When you put cultural, like, oh, her issue is...
00:38:28.940
The parents' issue is that he is a revert, number one.
00:38:32.880
Number two, he is from the same country, by the way.
00:38:40.180
Like, we're standing in front of Allah and saying, you facilitated haram.
00:38:45.440
And I'm not saying this, Sister Farid, I'm just saying, you facilitated the haram.
00:38:48.920
And you made the halal so hard for them that you are now questionable.
00:39:03.040
And number two, when it comes to the country, this is so, like, me...
00:39:11.700
So, the point is, though, with me, sometimes it will be country differences.
00:39:14.820
Okay, you're from a totally different cultural background.
00:40:53.020
She's definitely going to write to you then, bro.
00:41:10.160
And then, inshallah, we'll suit the bit after, inshallah.
00:41:36.660
The footage you're watching right now was never ever meant to be in the marriage documentary.
00:41:42.680
He went to get something to drink, and I had to pray salah.
00:41:45.960
I never thought once I finished salah, I was about to receive a message that was about to
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You guys will never imagine what she just messaged me.
00:42:58.240
This is why when people, people think when I'm doing this documentary that I'm doing it for
00:43:09.700
13 years, nearly 15 years ago, I message her that if she wants to be in the documentary
00:43:16.100
and after weeks, she finally messages back after she deleted the message, I cannot believe it.
00:43:46.100
And it just, the penny just dropped and I was like, oh my gosh.
00:43:55.020
And she just reminded me of something like that.
00:44:01.920
She is messaging this and the emotions in that text message is as if I did this thing yesterday.
00:44:27.820
Bro that is crazy. Bro that, did you think she messaged that?
00:44:42.820
Bro, 15 years. 15 years bro. 15 years and look at the first thing she messaged me.
00:44:51.820
Subhanallah. Bro I can't believe she messaged that to you you know.
00:45:01.820
Basically, about when I was like 2-3 years into our relationship, I used to live up there.
00:45:12.820
Have you shown it to the camera? No, no, no. Should I show it?
00:45:18.820
Read it if you want to the camera. Get the camera, get one of the cameras. Shall I hold it?
00:45:52.820
Because I want everyone that's watching who's in a relationship...
00:46:13.820
The thought of not having you in my life was the most frightening thing ever.
00:46:26.820
Brothers and sisters, I hope you guys are excited for episode 2 as much as I am and my team, SubhanAllah.
00:46:32.820
Once again, brothers and sisters, I want to thank every single sponsor and also specifically Islamnet.
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Right now, they are in the process of buying carpets for the masjid that they've bought.
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They need about £50,000 to have the whole place, brothers and sisters, carpeted.
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Brothers and sisters, you can be a part of this.
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Just imagine every single soul, every single person praying, reading the Qur'an, memorizing.
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And wallahi, even if they are sleeping, the reward that you will get by facilitating a carpet for a masjid,
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which will be there inshaAllah for the next 100, 200 years, and wallahi, you don't even know.
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Maybe the country of Norway one day will be under Islam.
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And SubhanAllah, you played a massive role in that happening there, brothers and sisters.
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As much as brothers and sisters, these sponsors are supporting our project to bring this amazing project to you guys and you benefiting at home inshaAllah.
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I'm going to put the links in the description box below, brothers and sisters.
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