Ali Dawah - November 25, 2025


IN ABUS!VE MARRIAGE？ - ALLAH SAYS STAY OR LEAVE？


Episode Stats

Length

14 minutes

Words per Minute

201.96564

Word Count

2,829

Sentence Count

238

Misogynist Sentences

16

Hate Speech Sentences

26


Summary

Jummah Kutbahaykah on how to deal with abuse in a relationship. The Quran does not say to have patience in dealing with abuse. It does say that you should have sabr ( patience) on both sides of a relationship with an abuser.


Transcript

00:00:00.000 This is a very interesting point that I've never heard before.
00:00:03.400 It says in the Quran, where Allah speaks of a relationship between a man and a woman,
00:00:10.300 He's never spoken about sabr.
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00:01:02.120 Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh, brothers and sisters and dear friends.
00:01:04.640 I think this video is one of the most important videos I can bring to you guys.
00:01:08.020 Anyone that is on the verge of divorcing their spouse.
00:01:11.420 Be it, obviously, the husband has a right to divorce.
00:01:13.720 But, or if it's his sister going to go down the route of asking a scholar.
00:01:17.960 Or getting a fist by going to a scholar.
00:01:19.620 Before you guys go anywhere near that, please watch this.
00:01:23.120 Because this is such an important video, subhanAllah, that I have ever done.
00:01:27.240 And like I said before, guys, you know how I feel about divorce.
00:01:29.560 You know how I feel about, subhanAllah, not encouraging divorce.
00:01:32.960 And unless it's the last resort.
00:01:34.620 And subhanAllah, brothers and sisters, the video that I'm going to show you blew my mind.
00:01:38.960 Like, when I saw it, I was like, that is so deep.
00:01:41.400 And I had to share it with you guys.
00:01:43.860 Look at what Sheikh Shatiri says.
00:01:46.760 Okay, and this is Brother Ibrahim Meng translating.
00:01:51.380 I never thought the Quran says this.
00:01:54.000 If you are married to an abuser, psychological abuse or physical abuse?
00:01:56.920 These are both abuse.
00:01:57.740 Some even say psychological abuse is worse than physical abuse.
00:01:59.940 Because it has longer term effects on an individual.
00:02:02.120 Like a bruise can recover, of course.
00:02:04.140 But psychological abuse that can be caused by the bruise or verbal abuse.
00:02:06.920 These are all things that are unacceptable.
00:02:09.480 And in Islam, it is unacceptable.
00:02:10.500 Alhamdulillah, the Prophet ﷺ, the best man to walk the surf, never laid a hand on his wife, subhanAllah.
00:02:15.820 So listen to this carefully, guys.
00:02:17.300 And I'm going to give you some evidences from the Quran.
00:02:18.860 Because when you go to the Quran, and I was like, wow, I looked at the verses.
00:02:22.680 Nowhere does it tell you to have sabr, patience with an abuser.
00:02:27.260 Isn't that profound?
00:02:28.000 Let's hear it for ourselves, inshallah.
00:02:29.080 You're going to be mind-blown.
00:02:33.760 Sometimes a man is tested with an evil woman.
00:02:37.540 I told you, I got you.
00:02:40.500 So he feels that I need to live with this woman, and this is the tfeder of Allah, and that's it until my life ends.
00:02:54.340 Are you tfeder Allah?
00:02:55.600 Yes.
00:02:56.060 So you can actually do an istighara regarding this.
00:02:59.980 So you can actually do an istighara regarding whether you should stay with this person or not.
00:03:19.260 So this is a very interesting point that I've never heard before.
00:03:37.880 He says, in the Quran, where Allah speaks of a relationship between a man and a woman, he's never spoken about sabr.
00:03:48.440 Amazing.
00:03:49.460 Doesn't tell you to have sabr.
00:03:50.720 There is a general command of patience.
00:03:57.680 You got that point, right?
00:04:04.080 There's a general command of patience, but there's no command of patience when it comes to being oppressed in a relationship.
00:04:11.280 Allah mentioned rulings when it comes to this.
00:04:19.360 Okay, do this, do that, do that.
00:04:20.720 Oh my gosh.
00:04:22.620 When I was watching, I was getting goosebumps.
00:04:23.900 That is so deep.
00:04:26.400 Allah does not say, if you are going through A or B with a spouse, be it a man to a woman or a woman to a man, okay, this abuses on both sides.
00:04:35.460 It doesn't, Allah doesn't say to you, have patience, have sabr.
00:04:37.340 There's general sabr that you should have.
00:04:38.520 Okay, there's general in life, you have sabr, etc.
00:04:40.340 But Allah gives you proactive measures.
00:04:42.800 Like, let's go through these verses one by one, guys, and tell me where you see the word sabr.
00:04:48.200 One of the main verses we know is Surah Nisaa, verse 34.
00:04:50.320 Men are caretakes and protectors of women because Allah has blessed some of them over another's and because of what they spend their wealth to support the woman.
00:04:58.040 So the righteous women are obedient and guard the rights and honor of their husbands in the secret by which Allah has ordered them to guard.
00:05:04.060 Okay, protecting your husband's flaws, dignity, honor, etc. to your family members and to the public.
00:05:09.540 That is the duty of a woman because Allah says we're like cloaked to one another.
00:05:12.160 So a cloaked as well covers your shame.
00:05:14.020 That's the reason why Allah says that that's an obedience of a woman.
00:05:17.360 And the same applies for a man.
00:05:18.720 And those women from whom you fear evil conduct or disloyalty, advise them and isolate them.
00:05:23.600 So advise them.
00:05:24.480 Tell them, listen, what you're doing here, look, I don't accept it.
00:05:26.840 Verbally, communicate, communicate.
00:05:28.060 And this doesn't mean you do it once and then move to the second one.
00:05:29.900 No, no, to the best of your ability.
00:05:31.480 Warn, advise, listen, I'm on the verge of divorce or this, that, etc.
00:05:34.420 You are violating my rights, etc.
00:05:36.620 Then it says depart from the bed and then isolate them in the bed.
00:05:41.160 Why?
00:05:41.320 Because women like emotional touch, they like these kind words, whatever it is for that matter.
00:05:45.320 If you see they are violating your rights as a man, yes, you have a right to what?
00:05:48.400 To move from the bed.
00:05:49.180 To make them understand and realize without intimacy, without kind of stuff, affection, love, that you are hurt and you are upset.
00:05:54.860 So they can understand that.
00:05:55.840 If that doesn't work, then Allah says if they, and then afterwards, obviously the words here is a strike, but it's not.
00:06:00.680 It's for example, talking about restraining.
00:06:02.480 Yes, everyone will agree categorically that if it's whoever it is, even police officers.
00:06:06.660 If a woman is violent, if a woman is in your face, if a woman is smashing stuff, you have every right to restrain them.
00:06:12.760 Restraining without what?
00:06:13.900 Causing pain.
00:06:15.080 Causing, for example, bruises or whatever it is for that matter.
00:06:19.300 To restrain them.
00:06:20.340 Hold them.
00:06:20.860 Okay?
00:06:21.240 To stop them.
00:06:21.820 Everyone will agree that categorically nobody can come and stay.
00:06:24.680 In no instance you can restrain somebody.
00:06:26.700 Okay?
00:06:27.140 Now, it's very interesting because in the same chapter, in chapter 128, which we're going to come to, Allah gives a prescription to a woman who's been violated by her husband, who's an evil doer, what to do there.
00:06:36.120 So, and then the verse says, do that.
00:06:38.000 But if they obey, you can now not seek ways of excuses against them.
00:06:42.440 Surely Allah is supreme the most high.
00:06:44.040 And if you, for any breach between both of the men and the wife, then appoint an arbitrator from his family and an arbitrator from her family, if they both desire reconciliation, Allah will make a united as one stands.
00:06:57.640 Surely he's all-knowing, all-wise.
00:06:59.420 Okay?
00:06:59.980 So, subhanAllah, you can see that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is telling you to take, and anyone that follows the Quran, you'll sign blessings.
00:07:05.480 You'd run away from this, you'll see no blessings, subhanAllah.
00:07:07.880 In those verses, did you see anywhere Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala saying, have sabr?
00:07:11.060 When that happens, have sabr.
00:07:12.040 Allah is giving you actions.
00:07:13.580 Do A.
00:07:14.700 If that doesn't work, do B.
00:07:15.740 If that doesn't work, do C.
00:07:16.960 If it doesn't work, get arbitrators.
00:07:18.600 Do this.
00:07:19.160 So, Allah is proactively telling you what to do.
00:07:21.380 Now, when we go to Surah Nisa, verse 128, brothers and sisters, it gets really profound.
00:07:25.440 You know why?
00:07:25.940 Because Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala advises according to the situation and the capabilities.
00:07:31.080 So, here is of a woman who is married to an oppressive person, yeah?
00:07:34.880 And if a woman fears her husband of ill treatment, of the surgeon, there is no sin on both of them if they make terms of peace, compromise between themselves,
00:07:42.820 reconciliation, or peace is better, even though the souls are always swayed at greediness.
00:07:49.040 But if you do and fear Allah and be pious, surely Allah is all aware of the things that you do.
00:07:53.760 Okay?
00:07:53.920 So, Allah doesn't prescribe to the woman to tell her, oh, if he does that, then restrain him or do this.
00:07:59.020 Okay?
00:07:59.620 Why?
00:08:00.180 Because he acknowledges that a man is stronger.
00:08:01.900 A woman cannot restrain him.
00:08:03.000 Do you get it?
00:08:03.180 If a man is becoming violent, etc., you should get your family members involved.
00:08:06.280 You can get the authority.
00:08:07.300 There's nothing wrong with this.
00:08:08.180 Getting the authority involved that this man is threatening me.
00:08:11.100 Okay?
00:08:11.440 If he's verbally being abusive, yes, which is also another form of abuse, then you can get your family members involved.
00:08:16.860 Like I said, the men in your house, because a man will keep a man in check.
00:08:19.120 Okay, subhanAllah, now when we go to subhanAllah, another verse, it says,
00:08:24.340 O Prophet, instruct the believers, when you intend to divorce women, then divorce them with concern for the waiting period,
00:08:30.460 and count it as accurately, and fear Allah, your Lord, do not force them out of their homes,
00:08:35.040 nor should they leave unless they commit a blatantly misconduct.
00:08:38.700 These are the limits set by Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
00:08:40.780 Now, what do we notice?
00:08:41.880 And I'm going to go to Surah Talaq as well, because in Surah Talaq it's also really interesting as well.
00:08:46.160 Are you hearing anywhere that it says patience, have sabr?
00:08:48.740 Yes?
00:08:49.240 No, it's giving you active measures to take into place, inshallah.
00:08:53.180 Nobody should put up with abuse.
00:08:55.000 Verbal, physical, manipulation, gaslighting, yes, nobody could.
00:08:59.500 And abuse comes in different ways.
00:09:00.780 We deal with situations of brothers and sisters, subhanAllah,
00:09:04.020 where we're being told that one party agitates the other party, arguments.
00:09:07.540 For example, a man psychologically abuses his wife, abuses his wife, abuses his wife,
00:09:11.500 till she explodes and has enough, shouts, screams, or breaks something.
00:09:15.980 Again, it's not the best thing to do, but still, does something,
00:09:18.520 and then what do they do?
00:09:20.800 Recording.
00:09:21.420 Ah, look what you're doing.
00:09:22.560 The manipulations and narcissism.
00:09:24.580 They trigger the wife to the point, she breaking point,
00:09:27.940 and then he takes the camera out or records and says,
00:09:30.940 ah, see, smashing things, insulting me, abusing me.
00:09:34.460 This kind of person is one of the most dangerous people that you could be married to.
00:09:39.260 Guys, and it works both ways.
00:09:40.880 Okay, now look at Surah Talaq, in the name of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala,
00:09:43.320 the most merciful, very merciful.
00:09:44.500 Okay, when you divorce women, then divorce them with their waiting period,
00:09:48.360 iddat, and keep count of their iddat period,
00:09:50.960 fearing Allah and your Rabb.
00:09:52.260 Do not expel them from their houses.
00:09:54.060 Let them go unless they commit an open immorality.
00:09:56.840 These are the limits set by Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
00:09:58.560 Okay, to himself.
00:10:00.260 You never know that after that, Allah may make some new situation to happen for the reunion.
00:10:07.680 Okay, subhanahu wa ta'ala.
00:10:09.080 You see how Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala tells you to take proactive precautions.
00:10:14.540 But Allah doesn't tell you to have sabr.
00:10:16.280 Allah doesn't say, if you're going through ddat, have sabr, have patience.
00:10:19.260 Allah's telling you to take actions, meaning what Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala knows best.
00:10:23.600 And if we live by that conduct, brothers and sisters,
00:10:26.580 so many marriages will be saved.
00:10:28.740 So before going to divorce, you have to exhaust all means.
00:10:31.840 For brothers and sisters, this happens both ways.
00:10:34.000 Both situations we know of men abusing women, women abusing men.
00:10:37.980 Okay, psychologically, physically, and in all different ways, subhanahu wa ta'ala.
00:10:41.480 But before you go down that route, you need to ask yourself a question.
00:10:45.200 Have I exhausted all necessary means?
00:10:48.860 Have I done everything in my capability?
00:10:51.820 You know why?
00:10:52.420 Because once you've done that, then you can say, you know what?
00:10:55.380 I've done everything I can.
00:10:57.160 And the arguments like the ingratitude, the insults, yes?
00:11:03.120 The verbal abuse, the physical abuse, this person going and cheating on you, committing zina, yes?
00:11:09.660 Okay, or flirting with other men, or a man going and cheating.
00:11:12.360 He doesn't give you your rights.
00:11:13.360 He doesn't give you financial rights.
00:11:14.660 He's always abusing.
00:11:15.520 He's not a family man.
00:11:16.420 He doesn't spend time with his kids.
00:11:17.760 He's always out with shisha, with his friends.
00:11:19.540 Or she's somebody who always goes and backbites you, slanders you to her family.
00:11:22.980 Does all this kind of stuff.
00:11:23.720 Whatever it is for that matter.
00:11:24.600 You're going to say, you know what?
00:11:26.420 Allah doesn't tell you to have sabr.
00:11:28.040 You can.
00:11:28.800 You're rewarded for that.
00:11:29.820 But Allah doesn't tell you to have sabr.
00:11:32.240 Which is so profound, brothers and sisters.
00:11:34.780 So subhanAllah, guys, when you are going through this, do istikhara.
00:11:38.120 And once you've made your decision and you say, okay, I've done everything in my ability to avert and divert divorce.
00:11:45.160 Now I'm going to do istikhara.
00:11:47.480 Now you leave it to your Lord.
00:11:48.300 And you say, I'm making a firm decision.
00:11:49.820 Istikhara has to be done with a firm decision.
00:11:51.060 You can't be like, I'm doing istikhara.
00:11:52.640 But no, no, firm decision.
00:11:54.200 I have no choice but to leave this marriage.
00:11:55.880 Yes, and sometimes that is better for the kids.
00:11:58.320 It is genuinely, guys.
00:11:59.420 You know how I feel about divorce.
00:12:00.620 And you know the whole fiasco I went through with the whole individuals promoting divorce.
00:12:03.840 But no one should be in a marriage where they're being physically or sometimes worse, psychologically being abused day in, day out.
00:12:13.300 If someone doesn't know your value, doesn't know your worth, always putting you down, always making you feel like rubbish,
00:12:19.200 going, he goes and backbites his wife to his family members, makes, backbites, backbites.
00:12:23.620 And when he should be defending his wife's honor or she goes to her family and dishonors you and tells lies and stuff, etc.
00:12:29.720 And dishonors you and talks about it, love you.
00:12:32.160 Habibi, like Sheikh Azmail Hakeem said, look, if you are dealing with a man like that or a woman like that,
00:12:39.540 Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala will enrich you.
00:12:41.040 Somebody out there will know your true value.
00:12:44.440 And I'm saying this to you, whoever you are.
00:12:46.520 Don't fall for the sabr.
00:12:48.540 Yes, you'll be rewarded, no problem.
00:12:50.580 But you don't have to.
00:12:51.540 Allah has given you the precautions.
00:12:52.720 You've done that, that, that, that meeting of a meeting, this, that, that therapy that is not working.
00:12:57.680 There is nothing wrong with divorce.
00:12:59.740 And maybe that's the first time you've seen me promoting divorce, brothers and sisters, in a rational, logical sense, insha'Allah.
00:13:04.620 And for the brothers, I want to give an advice.
00:13:06.000 If you're married to a woman who is, keep telling you, give me talaq, give me talaq, give me talaq.
00:13:08.900 With all due respect, brother, talaq is yours.
00:13:11.380 You ask her, you're not happy in the marriage?
00:13:12.820 I don't have a problem.
00:13:13.740 You're not happy in the marriage?
00:13:14.620 You can go get your khala.
00:13:16.020 Okay?
00:13:16.680 The talaq is yours, guys.
00:13:17.480 Do not use or waste your talaq.
00:13:19.180 It is yours.
00:13:19.820 If you're happy in the marriage and she's not, tell her to go get her khala and she can follow the proceedings, insha'Allah.
00:13:24.200 May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala bless us.
00:13:24.840 If you guys are having issues, you can go to the marriage council, insha'Allah, with the Sheikh Haithim and Subhanallah brothers.
00:13:30.240 And insha'Allah, may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala resolve the matters of the ummah, insha'Allah, and keep us united.
00:13:33.740 Because divorce affects kids.
00:13:35.120 It has a ripple effect.
00:13:36.080 I'm not condoning.
00:13:36.980 But for abusive, physical, verbal, whatever it is for that matter, you have every right to divorce.
00:13:41.360 And like the Sheikh said, sabr Allah doesn't mention.
00:13:44.540 Take proactive actions, insha'Allah.
00:13:45.740 If that doesn't work, go to your peace with good way.
00:13:48.200 Like Allah says in the Quran, repel evil with that which is good.
00:13:50.700 And you'll see the one you have enmity, there will be peace.
00:13:52.920 Go about it with honor and dignity and respect, insha'Allah.
00:13:56.060 May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala bless and preserve you guys.
00:13:57.400 Till next time, assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.