Ali Dawah - March 12, 2017


MARRYING BEHIND MY PARENTS BACK ｜｜ AskTheSheikh


Episode Stats


Length

17 minutes

Words per minute

154.23288

Word count

2,669

Sentence count

243

Harmful content

Misogyny

7

sentences flagged

Toxicity

2

sentences flagged

Hate speech

12

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, Sheikh Haytham al-Haddad talks about the issue of brothers and sisters getting married before they know whether their parents would allow them to get married. He also talks about when a brother and a sister develop a strong bond with each other and how to deal with this situation.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.000 Okay, let us give salam to this brother. He wants to give salam.
00:00:04.840 Yeah, he...
00:00:05.400 No, just let him.
00:00:08.180 Yeah, yeah. Let him give salam and record it.
00:00:11.500 Salamu alaykum.
00:00:12.440 Masha'Allah. How are you, brother?
00:00:13.760 Alhamdulillah.
00:00:14.140 Salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu, brothers and sisters in Islam.
00:00:31.560 Inshallah, all of you are in the best of health and iman and you're all doing fine.
00:00:34.840 You guys are tuning in to another episode of Ask the Sheikh.
00:00:37.960 We have our beloved Sheikh, Sheikh Haytham al-Haddad with us today once again.
00:00:41.760 And what we're going to be discussing today, inshallah, is Sheikh.
00:00:46.080 Let's get straight into it.
00:00:47.540 A lot of youngsters nowadays, of course, they want to get married.
00:00:50.420 You know, we were all at that stage at one point.
00:00:53.900 And a lot of sisters specifically, they want to get married. 1.00
00:00:57.480 They find a brother.
00:00:58.860 They like each other.
00:00:59.960 They want to take it the halal route.
00:01:01.480 The sister, she takes it to her parents.
00:01:03.820 And her parents say no, but for no Islamic reason. 1.00
00:01:08.280 So, they say no, maybe because of the brother's race.
00:01:11.480 Or maybe because of something very petty.
00:01:13.740 Because they don't want her to marry, for example, a brother from a different race.
00:01:18.080 You know.
00:01:18.720 So, what is the ruling and what is the advice in regards to this?
00:01:24.040 Yeah.
00:01:24.460 Bismillah ar-Rahman ar-Rahim.
00:01:25.360 Al-Humdulillah wa salatu wa salam ala rasulillah.
00:01:26.980 Well, to be honest with you, this is a big issue.
00:01:30.060 A huge issue.
00:01:31.580 And there are a number of angles that need to be tackled in order to understand the full picture.
00:01:37.180 It's not as simple as it is now.
00:01:39.720 Okay.
00:01:41.660 First of all, let us start all the way from the beginning.
00:01:46.400 Now, this sister, how did she find that brother?
00:01:50.080 This is the first question.
00:01:51.400 Yeah.
00:01:52.880 Where they lose in terms of their relationship when they were studying at college or at university or maybe at work or some even Islamic dawah activities.
00:02:05.600 Yeah.
00:02:05.920 Yeah.
00:02:06.240 They were lose with each other and they become attached to each other and they want to get married to each other.
00:02:11.000 This is very common.
00:02:12.460 So, that is the first thing that we need to address.
00:02:15.440 Yeah.
00:02:16.260 And see, this in of itself is a subject.
00:02:20.700 However, I don't want to get into it because it takes time and we need to address it maybe in another maybe sitting.
00:02:28.980 Inshallah.
00:02:29.460 But let us move forward.
00:02:32.420 Then the second issue is this brother and sister, they start developing their relationship together before knowing whether their families are going to accept that or not.
00:02:43.440 And this in of itself is a huge problem.
00:02:45.620 Yeah.
00:02:46.080 Yeah.
00:02:46.300 And my advice to all brothers and sisters, before developing any kind of attachment to the other side, maybe you would like to marry that sister or the sister, you would like to marry that brother.
00:02:58.800 But she would like, he would like, but they should not take it further because if they took it further, yes, and they become, be developed love between both of them.
00:03:10.700 It will be very difficult for both of them to separate from each other.
00:03:17.340 Yes.
00:03:17.920 Yeah.
00:03:18.500 And then the problem will be increased and will become really huge.
00:03:22.500 Wallahi.
00:03:23.100 I have seen brothers, you know, brothers, practicing brothers, they are, some of them, one case is, I think, an imam.
00:03:35.160 You know, he was crying in front of me because his sister, oh, sorry, the sister, he wanted to marry.
00:03:43.660 She left him and she got married to another brother, her cousin, etc.
00:03:47.620 And he was crying and he said, I can't sleep, I can't this and that.
00:03:52.420 I said to him, it is your problem because you developed that attachment to that sister before knowing whether she can marry you or her parents would allow you or would accept your proposal.
00:04:04.340 That's why I always say, if a brother meets a sister or a sister meets a brother before they take it further and before the shaytan, yeah, deceives them and they start communicating with each other and developing love, yeah, they should check whether they, their parents would allow them to get married or not. 0.92
00:04:29.220 Yes.
00:04:29.540 Yeah, this is the second important point.
00:04:34.300 Now, the third important point, aside from the core issue, but it is a very fundamental issue.
00:04:43.400 Now, many sisters, many sisters have very bad relationship with their parents, especially with their father.
00:04:49.420 And therefore, their fathers do not support them, do not have a trust in them.
00:04:56.060 Yeah.
00:04:56.500 So, imagine, as a father, my daughter is not listening to me, she's being rude to me, I don't have confidence that she's mature enough.
00:05:05.120 This is the key thing.
00:05:05.860 I don't have confidence that she's mature enough.
00:05:08.640 The way she behaves, she stays outside the home until very late.
00:05:15.960 She did not build that trust.
00:05:17.980 She did not behave in a way to tell me as a father that she is really a mature girl.
00:05:23.960 Then, all of a sudden, she wants to get married to a brother.
00:05:29.540 Obviously, the first thing I will think of is that she is not mature.
00:05:35.100 Yeah?
00:05:35.660 Especially if there is a cultural gap, if there is an age gap, if there are some other major differences or I, as a father, believe that there is no compatibility.
00:05:45.060 I will say just she's being emotional, she's not mature, okay, she's behaving in this immature way, so I will refuse.
00:05:53.620 And then the problem starts.
00:05:55.300 So, let us not always blame parents, okay?
00:06:00.680 Now, this is an issue that has to be addressed.
00:06:04.220 Yeah.
00:06:04.860 Then, if we took into consideration all the previous points that I have mentioned,
00:06:12.320 and there is a sister who is mature, and she really wants to marry to a suitable brother, okay?
00:06:20.600 And her relationship with her father is reasonable, okay?
00:06:25.000 Good relationship.
00:06:26.580 To be honest with you, I haven't seen, I deal with these marriage problems, okay?
00:06:30.960 And, and, and, Wally issue, I deal with these things on a daily basis.
00:06:36.860 I rarely, I have rarely seen, yeah, a genuine case, and the father is refusing to allow his daughter to marry a suitable person,
00:06:50.380 even if there is cultural difference.
00:06:52.320 In fact, now, most of the parents admit and acknowledge that their daughters are facing challenges in their being in terms,
00:07:01.840 in terms of fitrah, and therefore, they are being so lenient with them in, okay, in terms of marriage.
00:07:10.140 But, normally, when a sister, when a young sister comes to me,
00:07:15.140 telling me that all of these stories, that there is a brother, normally, you know, young sisters, when they come,
00:07:21.040 they give me stories, yeah?
00:07:22.600 I know the story.
00:07:23.600 That I met a brother, he's good for his deen, he's a mature brother,
00:07:27.020 and, mashallah, he's upon Qur'an, and so on, all of these emotional things.
00:07:30.920 When she starts saying this to me, I say, hang on, hang on, hang on, this sister is speaking in an emotional way.
00:07:39.000 And, if I dig deep, I see that her relationship with her parents are not, that, is not that good.
00:07:48.020 But then, Sheikh, sorry to interrupt.
00:07:49.980 But, let's say, for example, as you said, the situation is perfectly fine, but the parents, they're very cultural parents,
00:07:58.260 and they would like, for their daughter, let's say, for example, I'm Pakistani.
00:08:02.420 She's from a Pakistani background. 0.87
00:08:04.360 Yeah, well, yeah.
00:08:05.940 So, let's say there's a sister from Pakistani origin.
00:08:08.960 Yeah, you're a British, you're from a Pakistani origin.
00:08:10.680 Pakistani origin.
00:08:12.360 And, she wants to marry, let's say, for example, a Jamaican brother.
00:08:15.420 Yeah.
00:08:15.860 Let's say, for example.
00:08:16.720 Yeah.
00:08:16.920 And, he's a good brother, he's had a good upbringing, he's a good brother, mashallah.
00:08:21.260 But, her parents are saying no, on the basis that he is black.
00:08:24.520 Yeah. 0.92
00:08:24.940 Okay.
00:08:25.680 Does her dad's Waliya go? 1.00
00:08:28.100 No, it's not as simple as this.
00:08:30.320 First of all, what I am saying is that, if the sister gains the trust of the father, if she is behaving in a mature way,
00:08:38.540 Yeah.
00:08:38.940 Yes.
00:08:39.440 If she has a good relationship with her father, it is very rare that her father would refuse something like this.
00:08:46.660 Okay.
00:08:46.940 Moreover, if there is a trust between her and her father, she will trust him as well.
00:08:53.460 She will trust his...
00:08:54.800 Judgment.
00:08:55.380 Judgment.
00:08:56.020 Yeah.
00:08:56.180 So, if he were to say to her, if he were to say to her, darling, you know, I don't think that there is a compatibility.
00:09:04.960 I think there are many major differences between you and him.
00:09:10.960 She will accept that in most cases.
00:09:15.720 Yeah.
00:09:15.840 Because, see, I want to say to my sisters, my own daughters, that, you know, wallahi, wallahi, I swear by Allah, that, you know, generally speaking,
00:09:30.980 I have a theory that says, a female or the female is the most influential individual in this world. 0.82
00:09:40.540 The most influential individual in this world.
00:09:45.140 You, okay, the most influential person in your life, you might say my sheikh.
00:09:49.960 Yes, your sheikh has some influence. 0.64
00:09:52.660 I think it's my mom.
00:09:53.860 Your mother.
00:09:54.640 Yeah, I think it's my mom.
00:09:55.840 See?
00:09:56.260 Yeah.
00:09:57.280 Your mother.
00:09:58.000 If not your mother, your wife. 0.98
00:09:59.960 If not your wife, later on, it will be your daughter.
00:10:03.280 You know, okay, you know, if my daughter comes to me, yeah, and she said, Daddy, yeah, can you get something for me?
00:10:13.580 Just my heart will melt down immediately, and I will just, you know, give up.
00:10:20.060 You know, give up.
00:10:20.920 That's it.
00:10:21.700 All what you, Daddy, can you just, yeah, game over for me.
00:10:25.760 And whatever she asks, I will try to get it even if it is in the moon.
00:10:33.080 Yeah?
00:10:33.860 So, I think what you're saying is it comes back to your relationship with your parents.
00:10:39.600 Exactly.
00:10:40.460 Exactly.
00:10:40.940 So, if there is that trust, yeah, then there will be mutual understanding.
00:10:47.180 But then, this is the thing, sheikh.
00:10:49.200 And the daughter will really have a trust in her father's decision.
00:10:56.420 Yeah.
00:10:56.740 Yeah?
00:10:57.180 She will not say, well, he's just being difficult to me.
00:11:00.280 No, no, no, no.
00:11:01.080 She will really consider his judgment.
00:11:04.520 Yeah.
00:11:04.700 Okay?
00:11:05.280 However, if we say that there is an exceptional case, yeah?
00:11:09.780 Yeah.
00:11:10.060 An exceptional case.
00:11:11.240 Yeah.
00:11:11.560 I want to advise my daughters, my sisters, my, yeah, okay?
00:11:16.440 The exceptional case, yeah.
00:11:17.500 I want to advise them, my dear sisters, be careful, don't go behind your parents' back, okay?
00:11:27.700 You go, don't go behind them and get married secretly.
00:11:32.200 This is the most dangerous thing that you can do.
00:11:35.400 Even if you think that you have a valid reason, you have to take it, what is the solution?
00:11:41.180 You have to take it to a proper Islamic body, not just anyone, not any individual, not to 0.60
00:11:47.560 your friend, not to an imam, not to a religious person.
00:11:50.380 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:11:51.860 Don't do that.
00:11:52.760 Don't fall into that mistake.
00:11:54.500 I had enough cases of sisters who were abused, okay?
00:11:59.040 Because they misjudged the situation.
00:12:01.780 What I advise there, what I advise them to go to a proper body to judge whether they can get married
00:12:07.780 without the permission of their father.
00:12:10.600 And for them to know whether that body is a proper body to judge, that body will interview the father.
00:12:18.940 If the body approved their marriage without discussion with the father, without consulting the father,
00:12:25.480 without knowing his viewpoint, it means that body is, what, is a dodgy body.
00:12:31.640 They don't know what they are doing.
00:12:34.260 Now, another point that I would like to mention is that those sisters who marry secretly without
00:12:42.600 the permission of their father or without the support of a brother body, normally those
00:12:48.520 girls, those daughters are abused by their husbands. 0.99
00:12:53.340 Wallahi, we have so many cases of sisters who were humiliated, you know, humiliated by their
00:13:01.420 husbands.
00:13:02.340 Why?
00:13:03.260 Subhanallah.
00:13:04.260 It happened in my family.
00:13:05.680 It happened in my family.
00:13:06.720 One of the girls, she ran away with this guy. 0.97
00:13:09.420 Literally, sheikh, a month or two months later, he's beating the crap out. 1.00
00:13:12.900 Exactly. 0.96
00:13:13.600 He's beating her up.
00:13:14.340 Yes.
00:13:14.760 Why?
00:13:15.380 You know why?
00:13:16.120 We are men.
00:13:17.040 Yeah.
00:13:17.160 Okay.
00:13:17.560 Yeah.
00:13:17.820 We know.
00:13:18.680 The man, when he deals with a man, he knows that, oh, he understands me.
00:13:24.340 Yeah.
00:13:24.540 I understand him.
00:13:25.480 Yeah.
00:13:25.560 We speak on the same level.
00:13:27.520 I can't take advantage of him.
00:13:28.920 He can't take advantage of me.
00:13:31.140 Yeah?
00:13:31.580 So I will respect him.
00:13:32.960 I will have some kind of ooh.
00:13:36.220 Yeah?
00:13:36.420 But if that is not there, when there's no consequences, when he knows there's no consequences.
00:13:40.540 Yes.
00:13:40.840 If that is not there, what will happen, he will take advantage of her and he will humiliate 0.96
00:13:47.020 her.
00:13:47.520 That's why it needs to be done properly.
00:13:51.480 So, sheikh, obviously, we know, generally, in Islam, the wali of the woman is her father.
00:13:56.800 Generally.
00:13:57.300 Yeah.
00:13:57.440 Let's say, let's say now, for example, there's a lot of situations where the dad can't be
00:14:01.540 the wali, maybe he's not a Muslim, maybe he's passed away, maybe there's a situation where
00:14:06.920 he can't be the wali, who should be next in line, how does that work?
00:14:10.320 Okay, see, first of all, first of all, it is true that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi
00:14:15.580 wa sallam said, there is no nikah without the permission of the wali.
00:14:19.120 Yes.
00:14:19.840 Yeah.
00:14:20.200 Okay.
00:14:20.600 And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, any lady that got married without the 0.54
00:14:28.000 permission of her wali means the original wali.
00:14:32.240 It is not just anyone.
00:14:33.420 And this is a common mistake because some sisters, yeah, they have problems with their parents, 1.00
00:14:39.820 with the father, and then she picks anyone from the street and he becomes her wali.
00:14:45.360 No, no, no, this is true.
00:14:46.580 Walahi, I know, I dealt with a case.
00:14:49.780 Random brothers, random brothers.
00:14:51.180 Yeah, yeah.
00:14:51.840 Look, look at this joke.
00:14:53.860 There are so many jokes.
00:14:55.420 Yeah.
00:14:56.380 One time, a practicing brother, yeah, he came to me after a lecture about marriage, and he
00:15:02.440 said to me, Sheikh, I wanted to get married to a sister. 0.56
00:15:05.960 I came to know her on a matrimonial, sorry, one of those websites.
00:15:12.300 Websites or something.
00:15:12.780 Yeah, yeah, and then he started to communicate with her.
00:15:17.880 He flew to that country in order to meet her father.
00:15:21.920 Her father refused.
00:15:23.480 Okay.
00:15:23.880 So he went back.
00:15:25.160 What did he do?
00:15:26.360 He flew again to that country.
00:15:28.480 He met with that sister in the airport.
00:15:31.120 And that sister brought a friend of her, a friend of her, a male friend, okay, to act as a wali.
00:15:40.080 And the brother, he brought two of his friends as witnesses.
00:15:44.120 And they done the nikah, yeah, in the airport, okay, and then she flew with him to his country. 1.00
00:15:52.720 And then that brother, yeah, he's crying now.
00:15:56.920 I dealt with his case.
00:15:58.240 He's crying because her father is not accepting that marriage.
00:16:02.580 I said to him, akhi, wallahi, wallahi, if that happened to your daughter, you will never accept that man who got married to your daughter because you feel that this is a deceit.
00:16:13.900 That he just kidnapped your daughter.
00:16:17.320 My key point is the sister, yeah, cannot decide that her father cannot be the wali.
00:16:23.680 Cannot be a wali. 0.51
00:16:24.340 It needs to be a body.
00:16:25.240 We've established that.
00:16:26.340 But now, so she, there has to be a body, a neutral body, yes, yeah, to judge properly whether the father cannot be the wali.
00:16:36.340 Okay.
00:16:36.740 And then that body will decide who will be the next wali. 0.99
00:16:40.660 Okay.
00:16:40.900 Okay.
00:16:40.940 Okay, so brothers and sisters, Jazakallah khair for watching.
00:16:44.380 I hope this has been very, very beneficial and insightful for anyone going through similar problems or knows anyone going through things like this.
00:16:51.020 Guys, if you would like a question of yours answered, inshaAllah, by Shaykh Khaytham al-Haddad, email us at the email that is below, inshaAllah, and inshaAllah, we will get back to you.
00:17:00.600 Jazakallah khair for watching.
00:17:01.780 Take care of yourselves.
00:17:03.060 Asalaamu alaykum.
00:17:03.500 Jazakallah khair