Ali Dawah - February 28, 2023SHOULD HUSBANDS COOK & CLEAN？ - EP 5 ｜｜ BITTER TRUTH SHOW
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
226.52818
Summary
In this episode, we discuss whether or not men should be involved in household chores. Should men be the sole breadwinner or should women take care of the house and children? Should women be the primary breadwinner, or should men contribute towards the household bills?
Transcript
00:00:00.000
Should men get involved in household chores, I'm going to start off with Brother Mahdi, inshallah.
00:00:07.480
Isn't it also her duty to listen to us as men? To be obedient to us?
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So do the damn dishes, man. Cook my dinner, man. What's this large thing? Do you know what I mean?
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Firstly, as a man, it is your duty, Islamically, to provide...
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It's like a woman coming to me and saying, like you said earlier, like, you know you've got to protect me if a man calls me a name on the street.
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I'll be offended without even saying that to me.
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If I'm the sole breadwinner, okay, and my wife's at home, brother, I ain't lifting a finger. I don't even want to know where the sole is.
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For example, if a woman has now had a baby, yeah, and you are working 40 hours a week, would you not help your wife around the house?
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She's like, can you please help me with the dishes?
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Yes, I would say to her, of course, I'll do the dishes. By the way, you got the rent this week.
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Okay, okay. Furthermore, if my 40 hours that I work per week covers everything in the household, okay, and you want to work, not only will I not be involved in the household chores,
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I will expect you to contribute towards the household bills, homeless, and foodless.
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Your duty is placed upon you from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
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My duty, no, no, no, because in Islam, as a woman, we have rights. And if you want your house clean, hire me a maid.
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I just can't see myself debating the woman that I've met, and I've now married her, and we're sitting down in the house after I've worked my arse off,
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and I'm debating this woman saying, can you clean, please?
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Like, this is why, look, let me be honest, this is the reason why I was double-minded about inviting you.
00:01:51.260
Let me be very honest here, we're men to men here, okay?
00:01:54.560
She said that you should marry, that you should hire a maid.
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If you want me to clean, I agree. I'll hire the maid, and I'll marry the maid.
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Ask us a question. You're going through something in your marriage, a marriage crisis, whatever it may be.
00:02:37.820
You're looking to get married, you want to ask a question, we can maybe touch up on it, give you some nasir to the limits that we have.
00:02:46.560
Today's topic is, should men help in household chores?
00:02:53.820
And we might even add another topic in there, which is, should it be 50-50?
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So when it comes to the contribution, be it the household chores or even providing.
00:03:03.420
So the bitter buzzers, as you guys know, which is that if you disagree with something a sister saying or brother to brother or sister to sister,
00:03:10.640
The person who's speaking, just finish their sentence, and you have one and a half minutes to say what you want to say.
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But make sure you press it because something bitter is coming out of your mouth, inshallah.
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But obviously, respectfully, not in that way, yeah?
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So let's open it up, inshallah, the discussion.
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I'm going to start off with brother Mahdi, inshallah.
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Just hearing you say, should men, my arm just went, can help it, bro.
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Alhamdulillah, even though it's coming from my brother, even if it was a question I was asking.
00:03:57.800
Look, we live in a time in the West where the average household requires two incomes, okay?
00:04:06.500
Although we would love for the man to be the sole breadwinner and for the woman to be at home and so on,
00:04:11.060
the reality is, especially in this hyperinflationary environment that we live in here in the West,
00:04:16.000
that most people need two incomes to run the house.
00:04:19.900
So at a minimum, the guy's going to be working full-time, maybe a bit extra,
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and his wife's going to be working part-time or doing something, figuring something out.
00:04:27.780
If she is contributing meaningfully towards the household expenditures,
00:04:33.540
then it's not unreasonable for her to expect her husband to involve himself in some type of chores.
00:04:41.100
I do think I would ever do this, but look, I've watched some of your videos.
00:04:51.360
That's one of the reasons I invited you to the show, because at the end of the day, I was double-minded.
00:04:54.000
Because I know there's a lot of controversy around yourself.
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There's things that you've taken back as well, which I admire.
00:05:01.220
When you discuss about certain individuals, you're very careful to not backbite them.
00:05:04.560
So there's certain characteristics that I've seen in you where I thought, you know what?
00:05:09.300
But there were certain qualities which I admired, and I thought, you know, I want to understand you better.
00:05:14.280
Now, you said some stuff which I haven't heard.
00:05:15.760
It's the first time I've heard, which I'm very, like, flabbergasted, yeah?
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There might be in a video where you've addressed it.
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So you're given some context, because usually you're raw.
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But now you're saying, basically, if you've acknowledged that both parties have to work.
00:05:38.580
that the husband should get involved in household chores,
00:05:44.200
hoovering, putting up the clothes, you know, the dry...
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So I'm going to finish my one and a half minute early,
00:06:01.900
If you have Average Abdullah, he's working 40 hours a week.
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Both of them are coming home after 40-hour work week, tired.
00:06:18.000
He's doing whatever he's doing, and she's doing whatever she is doing, okay?
00:06:28.460
Now, if she, mashaAllah, wants to take that all on her own shoulders, so be it.
00:06:33.860
But it's not unreasonable for her to expect him to pitch in
00:06:45.660
Have you always had this, or is it something that's...
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Like the o'lema said, I'm not an alim, astagfirullah.
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Whatever you ask me, I will answer accordingly.
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Allah has blessed me with wives that don't require me to lift a finger.
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But if I am pitching in, and she is pitching in as well, it's unreasonable for me to also expect her to do now another part-time shift at home whilst I'm chilling.
00:07:30.400
So, if your wife is working, and so are you, and she says to you, Mahdi, can you wash out the dishes?
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And contributing that salary towards the household.
00:07:43.280
The distinction here is, okay, I'm working 40 hours, you're working 40 hours.
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But my 40 hours is paying for everything in the house.
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And your 40 hours is going on your Mac Foundation.
00:07:56.360
Furthermore, if my 40 hours that I work per week covers everything in the household, okay, and you want to work, not only will I not be involved in the household chores, I will expect you to contribute towards the household bills.
00:08:16.420
If I'm working full time, and I'm covering everything expense-wise, A to Z, and my wife wants to work, which she wouldn't, but whatever.
00:08:33.600
Because I remember you've done a video about my video where I said that, for example, if my wife is a multimillionaire, she is not paying for anything.
00:08:40.080
And then you refer to, I understand where it's coming from.
00:08:42.340
I'm like, I don't know if you used the word simp, but you said basically that you disagreed with it.
00:08:48.980
If I'm working and it's enough for the house, now my wife is also going out to work, she is taking value away from me.
00:09:02.880
Firstly, as a man, it is your duty, Islamically, to provide for the woman as a man, you have taken her as a wife.
00:09:18.120
So it is your responsibility, regardless of whether she works or not, to take care of her.
00:09:25.400
You went to her father, you asked for her hand, and you have said, I'm going to look after your daughter.
00:09:31.520
Before she came to you, she was working, right?
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And her dad was taking care of her, her bills and everything.
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And now you have taken that responsibility, and she's working, and you expect her to pay half of the bills?
00:09:47.260
Then, for example, if a woman has now had a baby, yeah, and you are working 40 hours a week, would you not help your wife around the house?
00:10:01.600
Pick up things she cannot bend, you know, she just had a baby.
00:10:07.860
As a woman in Islam, from what I know, it isn't our duty.
00:10:14.440
You marry us for a company and to enjoy us as a woman.
00:10:20.040
But it's not you do the chores and I make the money, and if you want me to help with the chores, then you have to pay half the bills.
00:10:36.820
Isn't it also her duty to listen to us as men, to be obedient to us?
00:10:44.860
Listen, if I'm going to work, I'm waking up, yeah.
00:10:49.720
For nine, eight, ten hours, how many hours a day that I'm working, I come home, yeah.
00:10:54.540
And I'm providing, like Matthew said rightfully, there is context for this as well.
00:10:58.400
If I'm providing everything, if you don't need to lift a finger, yeah.
00:11:02.020
Like, what have you been doing the rest of your day for this time?
00:11:04.840
What have you been sitting in your hands, watching the paint dry?
00:11:07.180
I'm sure we can come up with some sort of circumstance where, yeah, I would probably help out and I would be compassionate enough to help out.
00:11:14.120
If you're giving birth to my babies, I'm going to be like, sorry, love, you haven't done the dishes.
00:11:18.840
I'm going to go do the dishes and help you out.
00:11:22.060
But you're picking at exceptions, yeah, to try and disprove the rule, which it's just like, nah.
00:11:29.060
And I know sisters, they love to bring up that hadith where the Prophet, peace be upon him, he helped with some of the chores.
00:11:34.980
How many wives did the Prophet, peace be upon him have?
00:11:38.380
Did he go to each of their house cleaning up their yards every single day?
00:11:47.340
You're nitpicking little hadiths and things like that to back your point, maybe not you personally, unless it's not a personal shot.
00:11:57.440
So your initial point was a two-pronged question.
00:12:01.640
The first point was with regards to the man's responsibility is to provide for the household.
00:12:08.280
And then the second part was what if she's given birth.
00:12:15.520
My wife expects me to work, provide, and so on and so forth.
00:12:21.340
If a man is in a privileged position, which unfortunately is a privilege today, to be able to sustain a household and a family on one salary, that's a privilege.
00:12:29.700
Because the reality is, most people need two incomes.
00:12:37.320
The privilege I am offering you is to stay at home where you want to be in the first place.
00:12:41.520
The privilege I expect back is a relaxed wife who hasn't been obeying her master in the workplace, taking orders from her master over there.
00:12:51.520
No, she's at home and she has the food ready for me and the house is tidy and everything's cool.
00:12:58.440
So if I am in this privileged position to be able to take care of a woman on her own, and she wants to work, in my case personally, it's not going to happen.
00:13:07.600
But if a man allows this, then it is within his right for him to expect her to contribute towards the household bills.
00:13:24.360
Because some sisters say, we discussed this like, yeah, we can be super sisters.
00:13:31.380
If they can do that, if they're not transgressing against your rights, would you, are you Islamically bound to ask for that?
00:13:38.880
Okay, I'm not saying Islamically you're bound to, but Islamically she don't need to work in the first place.
00:13:46.940
If the husband doesn't want her to work, you're right.
00:13:48.500
Islamically, in this perspective, Islamically, the husband has a right to say that you are not allowed to work.
00:13:54.840
But you're saying, for example, that if she is working, you will take a cut off that.
00:14:00.660
Like, I don't know if that's Islamically correct.
00:14:03.360
But number two, if, for example, you're saying, if she has a part-time job, argument taker, which is very rare, but devil's advocate, yeah?
00:14:09.980
If she's not violating your rights, do you have a right to, would you still expect to take that?
00:14:15.960
First of all, I thought this was just me until I started talking about it with other men online.
00:14:26.420
Even when I'm at home, I like knowing my wife is there.
00:14:56.440
So if you're going to the workplace, that value is taken away from me now.
00:15:02.260
There's a situation I dealt with not too long ago.
00:15:06.800
This one sister, she decided 10 years before divorcing her husband,
00:15:17.560
He's a very high earning individual in a professional field.
00:15:21.220
And he was taking care of the household completely.
00:15:23.100
And he was of the mindset that I should take care of the household completely.
00:15:26.200
And my wife can work and her money is her money.
00:15:31.000
Oh, I think you mentioned that she saved money.
00:15:41.040
Islamically, please tell me or bring me an evidence why that is wrong.
00:15:43.540
Because what's happening here is the following.
00:15:49.540
If she's plotting behind me, look, I cannot violate those rights.
00:15:54.240
She's doing something that she's going to be sinful for.
00:15:59.800
What are you doing on the day of judgment there?
00:16:01.660
But I know when I stand in front of Allah, Allah is going to say,
00:16:07.620
So I would say, I know where you're coming from.
00:16:09.540
And men should be smart, but not at the cost of going against the Sharia.
00:16:14.000
This is why it's so beautiful that the Sharia is in such a way where your opinions,
00:16:18.460
I'm not talking about you, just anyone's opinions.
00:16:25.560
And the times we're living in where women have so much power, they are destroying men.
00:16:28.780
I'm not saying he should have forced her to take her money.
00:16:32.420
Because if I know she's plotting arguments sake here,
00:16:39.540
This is how much I can afford a week, 50 pounds, 60 pounds, whatever it may be.
00:16:50.300
In this instance here, the brother's regret was,
00:16:52.420
I wish that I made her contribute towards the house or that she didn't work at all.
00:16:57.840
Let me finish, because the brother now, he's nearly 60 years old.
00:17:01.940
He had to give up the house to her that he bought himself because the government gave it to her.
00:17:10.360
It's that either you're paying, this is the conversation you can have.
00:17:13.840
Either you're paying towards the bills or you're staying at home.
00:17:18.200
But if you're the gentleman you want to entertain this discussion and whatever,
00:17:24.540
But you're going to be paying, baby, because you're taking value away from me.
00:17:28.460
The one thing I just want to say is this, yeah?
00:17:30.000
100% you're right if the husband says that you should, I don't want you to work, 100%.
00:17:33.320
But there cannot be a violation of her rights, even though if she's plotting against you.
00:17:39.260
It's the specific rights that Sharia is given, even if she is,
00:17:43.620
Like, at the end of the day, I'll be honest with you, yeah?
00:17:45.080
Like, if somebody took, like, let's say, I don't know, 30 grand,
00:17:47.120
you gave someone 30 grand debt, and he's not paying, yeah?
00:17:49.540
And I'll be honest with you, bro, that was my family savings, etc.
00:17:52.840
But wallahi, somebody, and I'm not trying to sound like impious here,
00:17:56.100
but wallahi, on the day of judgment, bro, if you owe me 30 grand,
00:17:58.440
the Prophet ﷺ refused to bury, do the janaz of somebody who owed the debt to someone,
00:18:04.120
and the other guy said, you know what, I'll pay his debt.
00:18:06.260
And he came after a certain amount of time and said, I have finally paid his debt.
00:18:11.220
Now his skin is away from the fire or something along those lines.
00:18:22.400
But our tie and our camel should be according to the Sharia.
00:18:28.080
If you're that guy, if you're that guy, I'm with you.
00:18:31.220
But the reality is, and when we have these conversations,
00:18:33.440
we should make the conversation tailored to the masses.
00:18:36.060
The masses require at least one and a half income.
00:18:39.520
If you live in London, you need 10 incomes, bro, to run a house.
00:18:46.720
I 100% agree with you that the husband has a full right to tell her wife not to work.
00:18:51.120
But the topic at hand, again, is, which you didn't answer, Mehdi.
00:18:55.540
So, if it's a 50-50 situation, you would be okay with washing the dishes.
00:19:02.280
Because I'm just trying to understand the dynamics.
00:19:03.520
If I am working full-time, and my wife is working full-time,
00:19:11.680
Habibi, do you mind helping me out in the house?
00:19:18.760
No, no, even if she's working or if she's not working?
00:19:33.140
And she's like, can you please help me with the dishes?
00:19:41.740
Why do men go into marriages hating their wives?
00:19:49.820
No, but that's not treating your wife as a princess.
00:20:49.880
You're not flowing in life peacefully and freely.
00:21:28.740
Because the word used has a negative connotation.
00:22:16.460
very specifically because used ties into useful.
00:22:20.020
And useless on the other end of the spectrum as well.
00:22:58.920
And I think that is good akhlaq and good adab from his side.
00:23:12.780
And I would never have bad intentions on my best friend.
00:23:18.320
If, let's say that something needs to be done in the house.
00:23:22.900
The problem arises when it becomes an expectation.
00:23:31.460
But I don't think men should have that expectation on our seabah.
00:23:34.560
Okay, one second, one second, one second, one second.
00:23:45.840
And you should not have the expectation on me to pay the landlord at the end of the month.
00:23:54.220
Your duty is placed upon you from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
00:24:04.000
And if you want your house clean, hire me a maid.
00:24:19.220
When a feet breaks in the house, best believe you're the one who's going to wake him up faster than waking up for Fajr.
00:24:24.440
You're going to tell him, listen, I'm hearing some mad noises downstairs.
00:24:30.200
He's going to be going to find wherever it may be, yeah?
00:24:32.720
Another example I gave is when you're walking down the road, next man comes and starts saying something to you.
00:24:36.920
Best believe, if that guy hears that and walks away, you're going to lose all respect for him.
00:24:41.640
But if he comes and sparks that guy in the face, yeah?
00:24:48.020
Sometimes when this is something between mother and father, you see the kids inclining to the mother a lot, yeah?
00:24:52.480
Because they can visually see what the mother's doing in the house.
00:24:57.040
Wallahi, if you guys had a CCTV camera and saw that dad sweating, picking up those bags of whatever it may be he's carrying, his back breaking,
00:25:04.660
Wallahi, then we would understand what our fathers do.
00:25:07.240
So the thing is now he's a protector, he's a provider, yeah?
00:25:09.560
And not only that, and another thing I want to say is, do you guys have sons?
00:25:13.860
Okay, you know what I find really interesting psychologically as well, yeah?
00:25:16.860
When you're talking about these kind of things, think about your son.
00:25:19.640
So when you're saying anytime, just think about your son and be like, ah.
00:25:51.180
The first, first, first they were like, especially sisters watching this, yeah.
00:26:20.920
But you didn't touch up on the point that we made as well, yeah?
00:26:28.240
All these people, even the ones that are trans, they're like, no, no, no.
00:26:35.660
So you see that when things go peak, the men are in the front lines.
00:26:39.180
And these feminist women, they're saying, you know what?
00:26:45.440
So you see, we live in a situation where things are so calm that you can have...
00:26:54.740
Wallahi, I didn't know if she was dancing or she was running, yeah?
00:26:57.280
Bro, wallahi, I was like, this is unbelievable.
00:27:05.540
There was one guy, he's a general American soldier.
00:27:07.620
He said, we had to take a woman off the battlefield.
00:27:12.940
So come and do the phone calls or whatever you want to do, yeah?
00:27:17.380
So what we're saying, sister, is that a man is doing...
00:27:24.660
And this is controversial, but wallahi, is tohaq.
00:27:27.200
If you had a job opportunity, and the job opportunity was the following.
00:27:31.000
There is somebody hiring, and he wants you to make coffee and tea,
00:27:34.420
or you have to cook him lunch at this time and do the paperwork and whatever it may be.
00:27:51.760
That when you're being paid, you're like, bruv, biryani.
00:28:23.740
This guy's paying for the rent, for the bill, etc.
00:28:30.320
But the moment if it's a boss, the sister's like, yeah, of course.
00:28:40.540
Let me talk about the maid you're talking about.
00:28:43.180
Let me talk about the maid you're talking about.
00:28:43.600
Let's let the sisters talk and then we're going to finish up here.
00:29:04.540
But honestly, for the rebuttal of Mehdi, yeah, I had to make those points.
00:29:10.420
Okay, but the point that I made, do you understand?
00:29:12.560
The point that you're making, of course, I completely agree.
00:29:16.500
I believe that the blessings that Allah is giving me is way more than any pay or any of that.
00:29:25.340
You're talking about your husband, by the way, yeah?
00:29:30.440
And as women, we should learn to do these things.
00:29:35.120
And I do see why marriages are failing when women cannot do these things.
00:29:42.860
And I think that parents should, if your daughter is lazy and you know she's lazy, that should be open discussion.
00:29:50.460
You have to tell the man that is going to marry her because it's a very big problem in marriages.
00:29:57.080
You know, some women don't even change the sheets of the bed after two weeks.
00:30:07.380
However, I do think you should have rahmah and mercy upon you.
00:30:22.560
There was a post that you did early on, which I like really disagreed with you.
00:30:28.420
That's one of the reasons I invite you because I want to understand you better.
00:30:31.720
I don't think you come from a malicious place, but I genuinely want to understand you better.
00:30:42.860
And that's one of the reasons I brought you here because at the end of the day, I don't believe you have evil intent.
00:30:53.880
And I said to Habibti, mashallah, you got this.
00:31:03.520
I put, you know, on the new iPhone on the 13 onwards, you can put their white noise.
00:31:09.920
So that I'm not disturbed because it was early in the morning.
00:31:14.840
Alhamdulillah, a couple hours later, we've got a baby.
00:31:18.140
Let's just go into it because you're just chatting.
00:31:24.260
But once I give you the context, you'll understand.
00:31:30.160
Because you can be blameworthy because you're putting shubahat in people's minds about yourself
00:31:37.560
Because you're thinking your wife is about to give birth and you're telling her to go
00:31:40.640
As soon as I give you context, all of you are going to be like, ah, okay.
00:31:49.660
First of all, as a principle, it's not the place for a man to be with a woman in the
00:32:04.280
Go and watch period pieces, period movie pieces.
00:32:06.740
Do you know what the men would do just from post-World War I, 1925 onwards?
00:32:11.420
You know what men would do when his wife goes into labor?
00:32:20.940
That's why, that's the point I'm agreeing with.
00:32:22.840
Women are better at helping other laboring women.
00:32:27.200
Hence why most midwives are women in the first place.
00:32:30.560
Point number two, you mentioned something which I agreed with, which is that you, that's
00:32:33.720
obviously, we're having a mature discussion here.
00:32:36.260
I don't want to have my husband see me in that way.
00:32:40.500
So basically, number two is that obviously a man, he's intimate and if he sees certain stuff,
00:32:46.240
that might put him off, which I was like very valid.
00:32:48.820
However, if those things are fixed in the way where he doesn't need to see it, yeah,
00:32:56.540
Because my wife gave birth, I was right behind her.
00:32:59.420
And I'm not saying like, it's something that I wanted to do.
00:33:03.460
I'm not someone just like, hey, give me a brownie point.
00:33:10.680
But the point I'm saying is, and I understand, it was from a point of view where I didn't
00:33:17.580
So that's where I disagree with and the two points that you mentioned I agree with.
00:33:22.460
So some of them I've been there for, some of them I haven't been there for.
00:33:30.680
But so you're saying that you've learned a lesson to better not to be from experience.
00:33:34.700
Listen, the first time I walked into, have you seen Saw?
00:33:55.040
Anyway, anyway, what I've noticed in my experience with a laboring woman is that I'm like, what do I do?
00:34:04.940
I'm awkward and it's just, and then the midwife comes in and it's also natural.
00:34:09.940
And these women are just so much better, right?
00:34:13.180
You do learn a lesson in life from it though, right?
00:34:17.300
The respect that you have for your mother when you witness this is unmatched.
00:34:26.900
Like just watching your spouse, the woman that you love, who's risking her life, by the way.
00:34:31.340
To me, to me, it was like, look, when I look this, let me be honest.
00:34:33.400
When I first came to Islam, there was, I'm a human being.
00:34:37.380
There was two sins that I stopped just by going burying two people that I knew, yeah?
00:34:43.120
And another perspective is when you see your wife giving birth, yeah?
00:34:47.900
Like to me, when I looked, I was like, what an amazing creation Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has created in a woman, yeah?
00:34:53.060
That's why Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, like he talks about, we've given them two eyes, one mouth, two lips and one tongue, yeah?
00:34:59.720
And Abdullah ibn Masood actually says that this is, that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has enabled the child to, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has, and we've showed them the two ways.
00:35:09.020
Which two ways is, you know, the mother suckling.
00:35:13.360
Isn't it interesting, like when the baby's born, he knows exactly what to do.
00:35:16.500
So to me, it was a reflection point of, wow, man, this is a really amazing thing.
00:35:21.520
It just really makes you think, it makes you ponder.
00:35:25.240
So from that perspective, I totally understand.
00:35:27.320
And that's why I agree with you and disagree with you.
00:35:29.300
But now you've seen it though, would you watch it again?
00:35:36.360
No, no, no, because you know what, bro, when you're behind the bed, yeah?
00:35:38.200
When you're behind the bed, okay, there's a certain angle, bro, you don't see nothing.
00:35:41.360
And let me be honest, on purpose, I didn't want to see that.
00:35:48.920
Let's say your wife's pregnant, actually, it's birth.
00:35:52.100
Okay, because of the experience and the reflection that it gave me, I had nothing to lose.
00:35:57.800
If my wife came and said, you must be there, the question I ask is, why do you say must?
00:36:03.720
If it's a thing of, oh, feminist, I'm not coming.
00:36:07.880
Just because you brought the whole feminist, I'm not coming.
00:36:10.960
Because if you're going to measure our dynamics and our marriage success based on some feministic
00:36:20.320
If as a man, it doesn't impact me, I'll be there.
00:36:24.680
If I told her the reason, she'll tell me, don't come.
00:36:28.240
And that's the clarification, which was in the hospital, but not in the house.
00:36:33.180
We need it because we want people to assume the best.
00:36:35.800
Now, I just want to understand from brother to brother.
00:36:41.780
You, because I wasn't, you wiggled your way out of this one.
00:36:48.760
Would you go yourself because you want to go and experience that again?
00:37:02.260
Personally, I would say the first time I went, for example, it was an experience for me.
00:37:09.040
But why do I, can I say I'm going to go back again for the same experience?
00:37:13.540
So if I was to say, for example, that do you need me there?
00:37:18.640
So if she comes and says, no, but I need you because, you know, if you really care.
00:37:22.320
So me caring is because of this specific moment that I have to be there.
00:37:30.360
And of course, in that situation, for example, if we're at home and she's, I'm not going
00:37:33.560
to be like, like, for example, what you said, I wouldn't do.
00:37:41.200
And then I personally, I would say, nah, that's, that's, that's a bit merciless.
00:38:00.100
So viewers that are watching, yeah, the midwife came.
00:38:06.620
I think the impression people got is basically my wife went into labor, yeah?
00:38:17.220
Bro, he was like, yeah, my wife went into labor.
00:38:23.740
So firstly and foremostly, my wife is used to having quick births.
00:38:28.380
So quick, in fact, that one time when we went to the hospital, the baby was coming
00:38:34.640
out on her way there because I wasn't allowed to meet her.
00:38:38.060
And then when she got to the hospital, she gave birth in the hallway.
00:38:42.040
Baby said, like, she grabbed the hold of the midwife.
00:38:47.700
After that, she said, I'm never going to the hospital again.
00:39:00.140
When she went into labor, called the ambulance.
00:39:07.200
Told them, listen, girls, your mom's going into labor now.
00:39:09.160
You know, if she needs you or anything like this, she probably won't.
00:39:18.940
I actually went to bed when the paramedics arrived.
00:39:22.960
Because you have to arrange this stuff in advance.
00:39:27.980
You know, you can be blameworthy of people having a negative assumption about you on purpose.
00:39:40.800
The thing is, because you know what you've done?
00:39:44.300
This is the reason why I was double-minded about inviting you.
00:39:53.260
I've watched some of the stuff, like, you know, you've said.
00:39:55.640
And there's certain things where I thought, you know what?
00:39:56.860
This guy is not as evil as people make him out to be.
00:39:59.240
So that's why I thought, look, I want to understand him better.
00:40:02.640
And look, the clarification you gave, that's how it was.
00:40:06.140
When I wrote the post, I think I have a bit of a, how can I say?
00:40:11.640
An extremist bent in my character in terms of my delivery.
00:40:15.400
Even the way I apply myself to work, to anything I apply myself to is in the extreme.
00:40:20.540
And the way that I talk and negotiate and everything is on the extreme.
00:40:24.680
So when I wrote that post, it came out naturally.
00:40:31.140
I wasn't expecting it to go viral in the way that it did.
00:40:43.040
Yeah, of course I could have given more context.
00:40:45.620
Like I said before, the reason I'm doing it, bros, I don't want people to think bad of you.
00:40:49.400
Like, I don't think, I know those things that you've done.
00:40:51.920
Because I can remember, I've done a podcast with Hijab, and I referenced you.
00:40:55.240
And I said, this is a violent, it's oppression.
00:40:56.780
Like, I believe, yeah, because, and I stuck by that.
00:40:59.780
Because, but now when you, I can remember you've done a podcast with Dili.
00:41:03.480
When you gave some context, and I was like, yeah, why did you not say that?
00:41:07.800
Because as a believer, I didn't want to think that of you.
00:41:10.540
And alhamdulillah, that's the reason I brought you here.
00:41:15.640
Sometimes I do word things in a particular way to be, for maximum effect.
00:41:23.700
Now, maybe you could say you want to experience it for the first time.
00:41:30.400
But being in the vicinity, being there, you know, your child's born first time.
00:41:40.580
Because I can remember when my wife was giving birth,
00:41:41.980
she was actually saying to her mom to tell me, tell him to go out.
00:41:46.400
Because she was like, I don't want him to see me like this.
00:41:50.420
And that's why I agree with the stuff that you said.
00:41:56.780
But going back to household chores, would you expect your partners to do the hoovering,
00:42:04.320
And put yourself in a perspective where, like Matthew said,
00:42:06.780
is that they are the provider, the sole provider.
00:42:12.320
I'm quite old school and traditional, but I do see most points.
00:42:15.020
I personally don't find it attractive to see a man doing certain things like that.
00:42:19.680
And I think one-to-one, we can, you know, negotiate.
00:42:25.200
He had a, you know, who I was with, who would automatically know if I was tired
00:42:28.900
and would help out with the children, with whatever.
00:42:31.920
But most Muslim families, you know, at the end of the day,
00:42:34.780
it's usually the women that would just automatically,
00:42:37.980
whether it's segregation in talking, or even when we're together,
00:42:41.100
or even helping out in the kitchen, all the women are together.
00:42:43.540
Not that it's our job, but this is how we brought up.
00:42:46.120
And I don't like it when women are like, well, they have to do this and they have to.
00:42:51.080
It just doesn't feel attractive and masculine to me.
00:42:54.620
And especially when I see a man in front of everyone,
00:42:58.920
especially, you know, trying to do all of this.
00:43:02.240
I want them to learn it as a skill, so that if they need to,
00:43:05.480
they should know how for themselves and to help their future wives.
00:43:14.700
A lot of sisters, that's why I say don't take advice from females
00:43:18.140
in the perspective of, they don't usually hide that.
00:43:24.860
And this is one of the reasons we started the show.
00:43:30.300
This doesn't mean the husband can't come here and there, et cetera.
00:43:33.980
Once my wife cooked roast, et cetera, invited my mom, my brother, et cetera,
00:43:45.640
She didn't come and say to me, well, I've done this.
00:43:49.900
And I can remember my mom was like, my mom was very specific.
00:43:57.740
But the point is about demanding, expecting, and coming from the individual.
00:44:09.800
And I think there's nothing wrong with helping, of course.
00:44:13.200
I think marriage, when you get married, that's, you're signing up for a full-time job.
00:44:18.640
You have your job where you go out and you earn your money, et cetera.
00:44:24.120
And it's wrong for you to come home and, I guess, have that expectation that everything will be served to you and you won't lift a finger.
00:44:36.500
There's days where, you know, the husband can have more energy and maybe the wife doesn't.
00:44:40.220
So, it's using your own initiative to step in and chip in when you can.
00:44:48.180
And I think the biggest problem that we face is the way that we are asking of our partners to help out.
00:44:58.940
And I think the way they're wording it is very incorrect.
00:45:01.860
They'll almost, like, blackmail you or emotionally blackmail you in a way.
00:45:08.040
Have you not seen how much work I've been doing?
00:45:12.140
And I think when you start to be little, a man, he will start to lose respect for you and vice versa.
00:45:21.480
And then, obviously, that causes our own problems later on in life.
00:45:25.020
But I think it's, as I said, a marriage is a job.
00:45:31.000
And you need to work together as a team, just as you would if you were in the office or, you know, doing your own business.
00:45:39.200
I also just quickly want to say, though, on the other hand, there are certain communities and cultures that do take advantage over women as well.
00:45:47.200
So there is that culture, that background, that sort of, you know, South Asian sort of side of things where whether she's working or not, whether she's at home or not, whatever.
00:45:55.400
They do tend to just think that the woman is just only there for the house and that's it.
00:46:00.540
And they do not contribute, even if the wife, like you mentioned, both are working and earning.
00:46:06.580
And I see this a lot, you know, amongst my clients, which I've recently seen, the South Asian background, where it's just her job solely.
00:46:13.280
And if she, you know, is tired or whatever, she's literally like the slave.
00:46:17.020
And I do want to also highlight that for some of those women who are going through it.
00:46:20.420
But generally, I want to basically serve and I want a man to be a man and I want them to actually, you know, be able to do what they do and me do what I do.
00:46:28.980
And at one point, I can do and manage all of it.
00:46:31.520
So I think more women should be raised to be able to do that.
00:46:36.360
The audience are saying a different side to you today.
00:46:39.060
I think that's a very refreshing take, actually.
00:46:41.960
And I would actually say that, unfortunately, I think that modern Western society and feminism would actually try to shame you for what you've just said just right there.
00:46:49.780
Well, people call me feminist just because I have a voice, but actually they don't understand my context either.
00:46:55.840
And I think what's happening a lot as well is that I think a lot of women are actually just like you.
00:47:00.740
I think they are inclined and they do want to serve.
00:47:03.000
They do want a big, strong man to put them in their place, say, all right, love, nah, go do the dishes, boom, boom, boom.
00:47:09.880
I don't think any husband that I know tells their wife, go do the dishes.
00:47:13.820
Yeah, I'm kind of just putting it plainly right now, to be very honest with you.
00:47:20.600
And I think a lot of girls do want a man to be in control, to put them in their place, to be that type of character that they can look up to like, oh, rah.
00:47:27.140
But they're being shamed for it by other ideologies that aren't our own ideologies.
00:47:33.620
And I think it all goes back to following the Quran and the Sun at the end of the day, man.
00:47:39.860
Is there anything you want to add on, Shaquille?
00:47:45.340
It might sound quite degraded and rude, yeah, but it's like.
00:47:50.240
How come whenever I talk, you feel like I'm going to say something, man?
00:47:53.320
Every time I say something, you feel like I'm going to say something, man.
00:47:58.140
I don't mean it in a, like, I mean to everybody, like, these are issues that I just don't respectfully
00:48:06.200
What do you mean you don't see yourself having?
00:48:11.240
I just can't see myself debating the woman that I've met and I've now married her and
00:48:17.600
we're sitting down in the house after I've worked my ass off to be maybe the man that
00:48:23.740
And she's, and I'm debating this woman saying, can you clean, please?
00:48:28.060
It's just, it's just something I wouldn't debate about.
00:48:31.360
I wouldn't even, it's just, it's just, it's like, it just goes without saying.
00:48:41.280
The majority of men, those days are indeed over.
00:48:44.700
Alhamdulillah, man ain't the majority then, bro.
00:48:49.500
You need to tell the man's not willing to be the majority, bro.
00:48:51.060
You need to tell the secret to the brothers who are watching because it's,
00:48:57.100
No, but yeah, honestly, I don't, I know it might come across arrogant and I promise you,
00:49:03.800
It's just like, I'm not going to start talking about something like and get really passionate
00:49:14.440
It's like, for me, it's like, it's like a woman coming to me and saying, like you said
00:49:18.600
earlier, like, you know, you've got to protect me if a man calls me a name on the street.
00:49:24.920
I'll be offended without even saying that to me.
00:49:27.780
Bro, but the thing is, bro, this is what we're discussing today, bro.
00:49:35.620
But there's no, people are left with no brains.
00:49:43.480
Like I said, I'm old school and I prefer it like that.
00:49:48.300
And like, um, the other thing I feel like people are doing, they're just like, everyone's
00:50:01.260
Because if I, if I sit here now and I start saying, but do you blame us for being scared?
00:50:06.200
Cause the moment we start like voicing our opinion, we get called really bad, uh, titles
00:50:16.000
So, um, that's why sometimes I just don't say anything, even though I know it might seem
00:50:21.340
Cause I can't be bothered to have a title that is going to block me from getting certain
00:50:28.620
But my thing is again, um, like I've grown up mostly with women, so I respect women highly.
00:50:35.700
Um, my mom's, well, my mom was like, she had me when she was 30.
00:50:40.000
Um, so I've always had like a, a lot of females around me and I respect them heavily.
00:50:44.680
So again, just sitting down and feeling like if I found a woman and I have to ask her, like,
00:50:51.800
you know, you've got to tidy up by the way, you know, you've got to hoover by the way.
00:50:54.020
And you've got, like, it just doesn't go for me, for me.
00:50:59.640
If you are a guy at home and you're going, you feel like you have to debate your woman.
00:51:08.440
I'm not saying that I have any form of arrogance whatsoever, but I genuinely feel sorry for
00:51:12.500
men that have to debate these things and catch up into an argument with your, with your wife
00:51:19.580
And just for the record, I would happily, I happily would clean and tidy and do this.
00:51:24.700
But it's not a thing where I'll do it because she, I feel like I'm forced to do it.
00:51:31.620
If you're in that position where you're a man, if the debate with your wife, oh, can you do
00:51:36.580
But unfortunately, and like, I laughed initially when I thought to myself, actually, do you know
00:51:42.080
And that's why I have to say, I'm not saying it out of arrogance.
00:51:46.320
I just want to say, why do you feel like they're in that position?
00:51:49.500
One thing I wanted to say is like, because they are scared.
00:51:57.800
Look at that topic we just covered, my brother.
00:51:59.600
I'll tell you what, I'll tell you, I was telling Mahadee this off camera and he laughed,
00:52:03.260
I said, listen, bruv, like, I'm not getting married in this country.
00:52:07.800
I'm the worst place, yeah, but I'm never getting married in this country again.
00:52:10.900
Luckily, I was broke then when I got a divorce, yeah.
00:52:13.200
I'm in a position where I've got something to lose, yeah.
00:52:15.360
And I realized how irrational sometimes things can be in those situations, yeah.
00:52:19.800
And I said, look, these are the two occasions on which I'm getting married, yeah.
00:52:22.400
I said, I'm moving to Dubai maybe in a year or so, yeah, or a Muslim country where the
00:52:30.720
Or alternatively, straight up, yeah, I'm moving to Morocco, yeah.
00:52:39.400
I'm going to get them nice houses, everything, do you know what I mean?
00:52:44.400
Make sure they can live on, make sure they know Quran.
00:52:48.640
I'm going to work remote from Morocco on a beach, you know, for a job in London.
00:52:53.020
Now, what's the downfall of that if I can afford that?
00:53:06.100
If they ask me to come, oh, can you bring us to London?
00:53:29.240
So I'm seeing this new phenomena of Pakistan, Asian men going to Morocco to get married,
00:53:39.460
I know a lot of brothers who have, alhamdulillah, married successfully.
00:53:44.700
Sometimes vintage girls, sometimes vintage girls, bro, when they come to the West, bro.
00:54:04.700
Because, you know, the fetishization, you don't go to Morocco and just think,
00:54:09.740
I'm going to go for Moroccan women just because they are these so-called good girls
00:54:15.620
and they're whatever, and they're going to be so submissive and whatever.
00:54:23.040
Because, obviously, I'm not fetishizing Moroccan girls.
00:54:26.120
Yeah, I'm not saying you, but a lot of people are.
00:54:26.860
When I first came up with this plan, yeah, this master plan in mind, yeah,
00:54:29.900
I was actually planning on going south of Thailand because I think the king lets
00:54:32.880
the Muslims that live there rule under, like, Sharia law and things like that.
00:54:36.400
I need to fact check that, but that's what I've heard.
00:54:38.600
There's a large community of Muslims in the south of Thailand,
00:54:41.080
and they're allowed to kind of, like, govern their own marriages and things like that.
00:54:44.680
As long as you're not murdering no one, then they might get involved.
00:54:47.100
So, my original plan was Thailand, and then somebody suggested,
00:54:51.120
why don't you go to Morocco, Algeria, because they know Arabic,
00:54:53.420
they can teach your kids Koran, and it's closer to London.
00:54:56.180
I was like, yeah, boom, that's patterns, you know what I mean?
00:55:00.360
Sorry, let me just get the mic for five minutes.
00:55:06.880
The plan you had is not a master, it's a master plan of many men right now.
00:55:12.240
The reason why I'm saying this is because I feel like I'm that in-betweener guy
00:55:18.520
of very, very naughty kind of people and very, very good people.
00:55:26.520
So, I hear the best and the worst in both worlds.
00:55:33.240
Majority of men, even the good, good brothers that I know,
00:55:36.140
and the bad, bad brothers I know, are tired, bro.
00:55:38.260
So, this plan of just getting away and finding this safe haven
00:55:45.380
So, then any man will think, right, I want to come closer to my deen
00:55:52.580
We all see the signs of, you know, okay, I'm going to come in to us now.
00:55:54.860
So, a lot of men, even the bad boys I know that are Muslim,
00:55:57.860
are like, you know what, I need to get closer to my deen.
00:56:02.980
The Muslim women in the West, I'm even absolutely mad, overall.
00:56:05.780
Not all, there's some very good gems still there, yeah?
00:56:08.840
So, I think, right, I need to go and find a Muslim girl.
00:56:12.060
They'll be like, do you know what, what's my type?
00:56:13.740
They'll be like, hmm, this might be my type, this might be my type.
00:56:16.720
And they do go to one place, it's Moroccan, Algeria, I had one,
00:56:23.900
No, someone was like Yemen, but we can't go to Yemen.
00:56:29.260
Yeah, because they just said, like, it's the same thing that the sister said,
00:56:31.660
because there's this stereotype, whether it's true or not,
00:56:35.520
is that it's like a, everything that we kind of want in a woman,
00:56:38.200
like, they're submissive, they're gentle, they beautify themselves,
00:56:41.380
they're loyal, good family, and the Arabic tongue,
00:56:44.260
because most of us men want our children to be, like,
00:56:48.800
And stay away from a life that we got very much tempted to,
00:56:53.000
So, right now, what I, again, what I'm seeing is,
00:57:02.840
my man needs to have this, he needs to buy me this,
00:57:06.460
I might not even sleep with him on the first night,
00:57:09.260
They don't understand that they're actually making things
00:57:17.100
the sister said that we should not fetishize over these things yet.
00:57:25.400
like, the seed to make us want to find this escape route somewhere.
00:57:37.300
or we had something, kind of, to look forward to here,
00:58:00.680
for what they're saying and things like that, yeah?
00:58:08.500
So I think a lot of them do go into these situations
00:58:14.100
we just watched the other bit of Truth podcast, yeah?